#hey Fyodor i actually need all these guys alive | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shadyteacup · 4 years ago

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Hi I’m back (I’m the person who asked about Ranpo and Poe),, so what about both of them with a s/o who has a habit of flattery and/or complementing people too much!! Hewdcannons if you don’t mind! Thank you so much, have a nice day!!!

Hey there!

I'm still working on Poe's half of the request, but I was done with Ranpo's part, and I couldn't help but posting it... I'm impatient af 😛

Here they are! I really hope you like em... this is my first time writing hcs, so I might have been too sloppy.. also I kinda wrote a lil too much...😖

The Sweetest Candy

Ranpo x s/o that has a habit of complementing others

• If you compliment and flatter the people you love a lot, then you two are probably made for each other.

• All that ranpo wants is someone to praise him. Or atleast thats what everyone thinks.

• In reality, ranpo considers it to be his mission to make you feel loved, and often flatters you.

• Ranpo has a constant need to be reminded that he is worth it, and that he is better than everyone else. It is his way of boosting his confidence. So when u flatter him, his confidence and ego skyrocket.

• He loves having an audience, and you, being the appreciative person you are, always prove to be an amazing audience

• He really loves having you around.

• Inspite of all this, ranpo isn't looking for a fangirl or a fanboy. He wants a partner that is capable of keeping him grounded, yet makes him feel valued. And you do just that.

• Although, you might sometimes overdo the encouragement, he doesn't mind as he makes it up to you by praising you equally.

• Ranpo never, and I mean NEVER, speaks highly of anyone.

• The closest he had gotten to that was when he had said,"This is like going against Dazai." While plotting against fyodor.

• But this man will PRAISE you.

• You make him feel so loved, so he will return it equally, if not more.

• You get special treatment. You are the sole human being on this planet that gets to have his candy.

• You are also the only person who, according to him, tastes better than candy ;)

• He treats you with utmost respect.

• Whenever you praise him, his brain short-circuits.

• "And that, is how you solve this murder!" Ranpo grins as he solves the mystery.

• "Thats so cool, ranpo! I'm so proud of u!"

• You say as you hug him.

• Ranpo blushes and hides his face in your hair.

• He is soft boy

• Protect soft boy at all costs.

• "Y/N, you are the most amazing person that I have ever met. You are so amazing, that only I deserve to have you!", he says when you two are at the ada, or somewhere public.

• He loves boasting about being the guy you chose, saying things along the line of you being an angel that chose him because he is the best man alive.

• In private, he would have deep meaningful conversations with you, where you both would appreciate and value each other.

• Cue appreciation battles

• "You have no idea how much I love you."

• "Everyday I see your smile, it makes my day ranpo. You work so hard, I adore your determination "

• "You are the most beautiful person ever "

• "Your emerald eyes drown me into an eternal abyss of love. "

• "Your hair is so silky, I want to eat it."

• You blush and laugh it off.

• "No, really. It reminds me of my favourite candy."

• Ranlo says as he brushes your hair with his fingers.

• "A-are you being serious right now..?", you ask.

• He humms.

• You couldn't be more grateful to have him.

• While he seems like a childish guy, he actually is quite mature, but in a fun way.

• He just needs someone who can understand him. And you do. You are the only one who understands him.

• He loves you more than his candy.

• And thats really something.

• Ranpo needs candy and sugary foods to keep his mind working. His high intelligence requires quite a lot of energy, and sugary foods provide it to him.

• Not many understand this, but you do. So you try your best to constantly provide him with small amounts of candy at regular intervals of time.

• You write tiny notes for him too.

• "Hey handsome, got this donut for you. Hope u like it! ;)"

• Ranpo is a smart guy. He notices all of your little actions of affection. You voice your affections, but you also do small things that make his heart flutter.

• Like when you peck his lips randomly, or link your hands with his when he gets confused and doesn't know which route to take. You gently intertwine your fingers with his and guide him through the city, effectively getting him to the destination.

• You are also overly clingy. He loves that. When you randomly come up from behind to hug him, he goes crazy. When you two are lazing around on the couch, and you place his head on your lap, stroking his hair and humming sweet melodies to him, he realizes just how much he loves you.

• You mean the world to him, and he means the world and some more to you.

• You two are honestly made for each other.

• The story completely flips 180 degrees when you complement other people, though.

• Ranpo turns into angry ranpo.

• 'How dare they steal my candy?!' Is all he can think of when someone is getting your attention.

• He would constantly poke your cheek, or call your name to get your attention.

• "Y/NNNNNNN"

• "Yes, love?"

• He would simply smile innocently and act childish.

• "Hug me please."

• "Ok, honey, just give me a minute. I was just about to tell 'random person' how amazingly they handled the situation today."

• "Hug me. Now. They can wait. Can't they." He says while glaring at the concerned individual.

• Kinda gives me dazai vibes ngl

• You would be all confused, though. But would apologize to them and give ranpo a well deserved hug. I mean, he had to suffer so much. He had to see you saying good things about someone other than him. How heartbreaking!

• I think if I continue any longer, I'd end up writing a novel... so now I'll stop..

• Ok just one thing..

• When you both get ready for work, you suddenly nuzzle his neck and mumble a soft," You smell so good, love."

• Then you pull back and check him out.

• "Ravishing."

• And you leave.

• Just like that.

• Things like this make Ranpo fall for you over and over again.

• He loves every bit of your affection.

• Ok I'm going.

• For real now...

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mysaldate · 5 years ago

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On the topic of BSD mental issues..

Because a lot of people in this fandom just LOVE to bestow their own mental problems on characters and even go so far as to claim not a single BSD character is mentally alright, I went on a little rant to debunk this bulshit of a claim. If you’re one of those who support the “everyone is mentally ill because I said so” theory, don’t even bother reading this, please, and save us both the time.

If you do read, however, please keep in mind those are just my opinions and analysis and why I personally find the claim that everyone is mentally ill bulshit. You’re free to believe what you want but I’ve had multiple people come spurting out insults at me simply for not believing every single character is mentally diasbled.

First, our beloved ADA Atsushi - He's actually doing really well. Sure, he's not 100% ok but we were given no serious childhood trauma impacts (except for flashbacks that don't really... do anything to him mentally except for motivating him to do better which is, you know, not a sign of mental illness), he doesn't have self-destructive tendencies, he doesn't feel like he owes the society anything but he doesn't slip to nihilism either. His motivations are humane and sane and relatable. I mean, if anyone told you your friends would be in mortal danger if you stay with them, wouldn't you try to get away from them too? Dazai - Ok, Dazai is far from stable. He still handles his issues surprisingly well though and his constant suicide attempts are really played off as a joke, which is not the best way to handle them but it takes a lot of seriousness from it and kind of makes it hard to believe it's what he actually wants to do with his life. Especially since there are times where he goes out of his way to make sure he stays alive (Dead Apple being just one example). Kunikida - Arguably one of the most stable characters in the show. Some people claim he has OCD but have you ever seen an actual OCD patient? His love for schedules and hard time when they can't be kept is something that runs in my family and nobody has ever been diagnosed with OCD. People need to realize that having your life planned out is not a mental illness. Yosano - I'm a little more benevolent about Yosano, especially since she has a more psychotic side to her and she seems actually damaged by her childhood but I stiil stand my point that she is doing extremely well for someone who supposedly has a mental illness. It's almost as if the "insane" side of her was purposedly overblown for comedic purposes. Ranpo - I know a lot of people say he's autistic but I don't agree with that hc. Why? Well, I have a classmate who's not autistic and she's exactly like him. She's smart, almost genius, has great deduce skills and brilliant crime-solving abilities (tested multiple times with Black Stories or whatever that game is called in english) but she is unable to live on her own. She knows close to nothing about real life, skills used for everyday functioning and as for public transport, she only learnt how to use it recently and she's almost 19 years old. I also have an autistic friend who specifically said he'd find it insulting to hear that Ranpo is supposedly autistic. Tanizaki - I'm not sure what to say here, Tanizaki is a normal guy. Nothing special about him. He's willing to go great lengths for his little sister but I think anyone with younger siblings can relate to that. At least anyone who cares for their younger siblings. Kenji - Go on and tell me how Kenji of all people has a mental illness, I dare you. And if you pull out his cheeriness, you're obviously just too depressed to fathom that some people might actually enjoy life. Fukuzawa - Again, one of the most stable characters in the series. Say what you will but he's not unstable and his ability to stay calm at almost any situation except for when his kids are in danger is just further proof of this. Kyouka - I'd say she might have issues. My afforementioned autistic classmate pointed out that she feels autistic to him so there's that. Also her childhood visibly screwed her over. However, she's still surprisingly stable and normal despite all of that so while she might have some issues, they are greatly balanced by her strong will and natural personality. Naomi - I wouldn't say Naomi is 100% ok in the head but not to a point where I'd claim an actual mental illness. Sure, I'm not a doctor but nor is anyone who diagnoses her with whatever it is they diagnose her with. Haruno - And exactly what is wrong about Haruno? She's cute, positive, cheery, hard-working and supportive. And she gets scared in situations that invoke this. Literally NOTHING weird.

Next up is our dear Port Mafia Akutagawa - No denying it, Aku has serious issues. Again though, he's doing far better than most people with similar problems but that could just be due to him letting his frustrations out via murder. Chuuya - No issue found here. Sure, he's a little short-tempered but that's about it. A lot of people are short-tempered without being mentally ill. And he could be portrayed with some serious issues due to his origin and past. Gin - Do we even know enough about her to diagnoze her? All we know is that she's silent, a little shy and that she's always on odds with Tachihara. Make me a diagnosis from that. Higuchi - Aside from her massive crush on Aku, there's nothing weird about her. She probably picked the wrong job but she's willing to work hard anyway to earn her place there,, which is not exactly typical for people with mental illnesses. Hirotsu - STABLE PERSON. Just... what else is there to him? He is literally the voice of reason who commands the black lizard solely because he can actually keep them under control. Geez, there is literally nothing linking him to any mental problem! Kajii - This guy's got issues, no denying it. And I won't even say he could do worse because obviously he could but he's fairly close to being the insanest (is that a word?) he can get. Kouyou - Oh look, ANOTHER completely stable person. I mean, come on, she's been an executive since Dazai and Chuuya were 15, that's seven years. Clearly she couldn't hold her position if she weren't stable. Not to mention, we saw her being stable in stressing situations so. many. times. Elise - She's an ability. No comment. Mori - Yes, he has his issues. But he's the hypercompetent Mafia boss who stayed in charge for a very long time already and there's no sign of anyone overthrowing him any time soon, nor planning to because he's just a great leader, something he couldn't be if he was mentally ill. Oda - Do I even need to elaborate on this? Oda is very probably the sanest person we got, one who sees the wrongs of his past and does his best to overcome them and repent, all of which goes without him being depressed or self-loathing in the slightest. Randou - This has been talked about a lot. Randou is sensitive and impulsive and sometimes acts on emotions rather than rationallity. None of that makes him a mentally ill person. It just makes him a person, a human being we can all relate to. Ace - Ace is a selfish human being who thinks too highly of himself and is manipulative and abusive. Is that a problem? Yes, obviously. Is that a mental illness? Not necessarily and more likely no than yes. He does things for his personal gain and everything went his way for far too long for him to expect it to go any other way. And as we all know, power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutelly. Q - Does anyone really think Q is sane?

Now for the group that so many people dislike it’s honestly sad, the Guild Francis - Francis is, first and foremost, a very loving husband and father. He goes on this insane mission to Japan to obtain a mystical object he believes is real but never got any deffinite proof of. Is he naive? Perhaps so. And after he loses, he gets depressed and broken because he finds out his wedding ring disappeared, probably because his wife did something. That breaks him. And honestly? He has every right to break down. It's understandable and human and it does not make him mentally ill. Louisa - While yes, she is very shy and some argue she has some sort of anxiety disorder, all of this can be explained by the fact that she's practically a child. She's 18 dammit. Who could leave their home country at 18 only with an organization of older people, who also all seem very sure of themselves, while having no combat ability and nothing to really bring to the table? If she were mentally weak, there's no way she'd go looking for Francis after his fall, it's actually more likely she'd hurry back home, probably with tears and fear of being arrested if she were to stay in Japan for longer. Margaret - Name me one thing that makes you think Margaret of all people would have a mental issue. One thing. Most of her screentime is her being a vegetable. And while that is certainly a health problem, not a mental health one. Nathaniel - Hey, he was completely ok before meeting Fyodor. Being religious is not a mental health problem and f you if you say otherwise. John - Again, nothing unstable about John. He's not even that selfish, doing what he can to support his family and even picking up the remainings of the Guild to keep the people together and give them new hope because, y'know, hope is very important to people. Lovecraft - He's not even human. You can't apply human mental health logic to him. Herman - We've seen him for how much... 2 minutes total? And even from just that, he seemed like a calm and composed guy. No sign of mental problems whatsoever. Mark - He's hyper, that's what people say at least. But is he really? Kind of hard to believe when all we've seen of him is two scenes of adrenalin rush, one scene where he tries to lift the spirits of his coworkers and one scene where he just decides to go back home because this adventure is obviously over. No sign of mental illness here either. Lucy - A little more visible traumatic impact than with Atsushi and some abandonment issues, which are completely understandable and relatable. Not necessarily a mental illness. Poe - Ok so Poe doesn't feel well in company of others and he is a little psychotic when he gets too into his self-assigned role but 1) introverts are not mentally ill and 2) it's completely natural to get carried away when we witness the person we believe wronged us getting some karma back.

The one group that appeared for such a short time, yet everyone seems to love them, the Rats Fyodor - The most obvious god complex, clearly. He's not sane but he's stable so there's that. Nobody says he's ok, he's clearly not. But he's composed and smart enough to not let his issues control him. Ivan - Part of his brain is literally gone. He's not ok. he can't be. And unless part of your brain is missing too, you physically can't relate to him. Pushkin - Actually a stable, understandable character. Weak men are known through all of history to be the causes of major drama simply because their complexes over being weak lead to them finding joy in torturing the strong. It's not a mental illness, it's just bad character. Oguri - Clearly, Ogugu has issues. Call it survivor's guilt or PTSD or whatever you want, he has issues. Nobody is denying that. Still, he's doing fairly well when not desperatelly trying to seem evil.

I do not feel like doing the Hunting Dogs for the sole reason of me not liking them enough to focus on their mental states but they are pretty much lab rats, artificially enhanced humans and that alone should be enough to explain why I don’t believe in applying normal psychology to them. As for the Decay of Angels, there’s still much more to learn about them so I won’t get into that just yet. And when it comes to the governmental agents, I haven’t read the novels so I only know a bit about Ango and I honestly don’t see how anyone could think Ango has a mental illness.

I repeat again, these are my opinions, based on my experiences and what I’ve studied about mental illnesses (because believe it or not, I study about these things quite a lot). It doesn’t fit except for Tumblr romanticised versions of them and even those are iffy. You’re free to agree and disagree with all of this or with just certain parts but please don’t feel required to share your thoughts, I frankly don’t much care.

With that I bid you goodbye, at least until another thing prompts me to make a long-ass analysis almost nobody will read, nor care for.

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pursuingideals-moved · 5 years ago

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Hiya everyone! I want to say thank you for everything. It had been one year when I have this blog. So yay, pursuingideals had turn one year old! This make me very happy and not only that, right now I have 88 followers. ^^ So thank you everyone, thank you for following me, rping with me, interacting with me. You guys are one of the main reasons that this blog is still here. There are many times I am worry that my Kunikida is not good enough but I hope you enjoy rping with me and my portrayal of Kunikida. I know there are other more amazing and popular Kunikida blogs than me but I am still thankful for the people who follow and rp with my Kunikida. You guys all help this blog turn one year old. So thank you everyone for following me! Thank you for all the fun times you gave me! Thank you for helping this blog be alive! Thank you for rping with me! Thank you for being patient with me since I am a slow partner. Also I just find it funny that today is also my father’s birthday (August 26) so lol this blog and my father both turn a year older and Kunikida is kinda like a dad (well more like a mom but still) haha. I was feeling lazy and would just want to only tag people like I did when my Regulus blog became three years old but nah since my Kunikida just became one year old, I will do more than that.

@aiolia-leo / @luminos-red / @minerva-the-witch / @altered-aegis / @durkhankes

Afelle, hey you and Zaria are like my best friends on tumblr haha. XD Well, Zaria isn’t rping on tumblr anymore so it is just you but you know how much I love rpng with you whether it is with Regulus or Kunikida. Minerva and Kunikda are such good friends…more than just good friends lol, it will take a while for Kunikida to notice while Minerva is aware of her feelings already. But one day Kunikida will notice his feelings and he and Minerva are going to be one badass and cute couple. Kunikida and Lumina’s interactions are so cute, he is like the father Lumina wants. Ahhh and when Minerva and Kunikida get together, Lumina can call him daddy! Aiolia and Kunikida are good friends too. It is funny how Aiolia is like the older brother/mentor to Regulus and now he is the younger one in this relationship since Kunikida is so responsible and Aiolia looks up to him despite being higher status and Kunikdia sees him as a more responsible Leo saint than Regulus haha. Kohaku, oh so much things to say. While Kohaku is originally an evil character, he is completely different in the Bungou Stray Dogs verse, he is trying to learn how to be good again with Kunikida’s help. Kunikida is like that father and teacher that Kohaku need. I just love their relationship so much. Luke, Dei and Kunikida, while Kunikida doesn’t know a lot about them yet, he does respect them and lol I bet the more they know of him, the more Luke wants to hire him because he is so responsible and hardworking haha. But anyway, so many muses and threads and fun times between us. ^^ It is unfortunate that the Bungou Stray Dogs fandom is not interest in rping with you but hey as long as we have fun with each other. (Hopefully this will help get you some followers, jk I highly doubt that unfortuantely but ah well) Thank you, Afelle!

@thesoaringaquila

Hey Jemi! Our threads between Kunikida and Kallistrate is so much fun. It is always fun to see Kallistrate constantly teasing Kunikida and at least with her teasing, she seem to genuinely wants Kunikida to lighten up and not be so serius and uptight while Dazai’s teasing seem to poke more fun to annoy Kunikida more haha. It would be interesting to see their friendship grow more and see how they interact with each other more. Lol, now wait and see when Kallistrate ever see Kunikida’s list of ideal requirements for a romantic partner, she would be horrified. XD (cross out that requirements) So thank you for rping with me!

@muses-galore

Hi! First of all, Tetsu is such a cute oc. I know there isn’t a lot of interaction between Tetsu and Kunikida yet and Kunikida seems to scare Tetsu but lol he isn’t scary just too serious for his own good. XD But I am sure they will get more interaction and later when Tetsu get to know him better, he would see that Kunikida isn’t as scary and nice just like Regulus said he is. But thank you for rping with me!

@pxrtalmxster

Hey Kayla! Your oc, Kayla is very interesting, I can see that you put a lot of thought and development into her. I had fun rping with her. Our threads are so interesting, I mean I think our threads are the only ones that actually goes into depth and explores more of both characters, Kunikida and Kayla and I love that. I wish I would have more threads that explore the character but for some reason, it is strange cause our thread is the only that does that. (Lol, while for Regulus, I have more threads like that with him even if he is a more simple guy and Kunikida is more complex….) Not only that, Kayla and Kunikida’s relationship is interesting and complicated. They are not fully friends but at the same time, kind of are, as I said complicated. Kunikida is just confuse by Kayla and want to understand her more and Kayla is still keeping secrets and can see Kunikida is a good guy but not someone who could understand her. It is unfortunate that many people in the Bungou Stray Dogs is not interest in rping with your oc but I do hope you have fun rping with other people including me. ^^

@somegremlin / @setsunanoai

Hey Stella! I love your Yumeno so much. He had suffer so much and deserve happiness and a normal life as a child not as a prisoner of the mafia (I mean he lives in a prison instead of a room) And you know he can finally get the life he want in our au! I just love Kunikida fatherly relationship towards Yumeno so much! He just wants to give Yumeno a better life and help guide him to be a better person too. Yumeno is finally happy with the agency. As for Atsushi and Kunikida, I would have never expect us to have the crack thread haha but this would be fun. Lets have fun watching Atsushi and Kunikida in silly hats catch the criminal! Ahh overall,I love our threads and thank you for rping with my Kunikida.

@a-hell-of-a-lot-of-muses

Hey Saki! I know I mostly rp with Nathaniel and Margaret and I enjoy the threads with you and them so much. The threads between Margaret and Kunikida are more light heart but still fun especially with them getting along and Kunikida being pleased that at least someone understands that one must have ideal requirements for a romantic partner (and then watch as Margaret becomes horrified if she ever saw Kunikida’s ideal requirements, hadn’t happen yet but lol you never know) And Nathaniel and Kunikida, our threads are more heavier and enjoyable as we explore their interactions. It is interesting to see Nathaniel being free from Fyodor’s brainwashing and deal with the aftermath of it and how he is slowly trying to regain his memory and along the way Kunikida is going to help him. :) It would so much fun to explore and I am excited for the potential relationship between the two.

@diverse-hearts

Hey Mira! I know you have so many muses haha but I rp with your Chuuya, Odasaku and Strelitzia and I enjoy our threads. I know you keep saying you are slow but I am so much slower than you. I mean you have so many muses and threads compare to me but seem to be faster than me haha. I know I am not as interactive as your other muns but I just want to let you know I still find our threads enjoyable. I am excited to see how Odasaku, Strelitzia and Chuuya interaction with Kunikida grow since all of our threads are still just establishing things between them. Thank you for rping with me!

@yokohamaweretiger / @mishmashofmuses / @thestraydcgs

Hey Hunter! It has been fun rping with your Atsushi, Karma, Ranpo, Dazai and Jelle. I know I am a usually quiet person but I enjoy our coversations as well as all the quotes and posts you send me on discord. ^^ I know we have a lot of threads as of right now and of course take your time with them but I am always excited when you reply whether it is for Atsushi with so many verses (vampire, royal, main), Ranpo with the carrot cake, Dazai and his teasing and Jelle with his crush on Kunikda and Kunikida’s confusing feelings haha. Cause we both know Jelle and Kunikida will end up together haha. But yeah thank you for rping with me. ^^

@nullcfied / @invcin / @distorticnist / @nythz

Your Dazai is amazing and I have enjoy rping with you. I had always want to explore more deeply the relationship between Dazai and Kunikida and it has been hard to do when most of my other threads are just fun threads where Dazai bothers Kunikida as always but I am glad I can explore that with you. I enjoy our threads even if none were finish haha and I am super slow but it is the development between the two in our threads is interesting. Maybe those two would develop into somthing more, we will see. And even if I never rp with Kunikid with your multimuse blog, I still enjoy our threads between Regulus with N and Alcor. Our threads between Kunikida and Mishima are also enjoyable and even though we hadn’t gone far yet with Nyth, I am sure it would be an enjoyable thread. So thank you for rping with me.

@odigcs / @tryferotis

Hey Juh! I know Kunikida and Eleni doesn’t have a lot of interactions yet but I am still happy that we rp together. I can’t wait until Kunikida finds out about Eleni’s powers, he is going to be so freak out haha. XD But thank you for rping with both of my muses and I always enjoy our coversations between us especially our current on where we talk about Eleni and Regulus’ views on heroes, evil, good and death and I think that is all it was one long conversation hahaha.

There are so many others too that I rped, seen on dashboard, haven’t rp yet (and would love to rp with you) or rarely interact. I still want to say thank you. Again, I am only going to include people had been active and not others who had been inactive since they had left already. Thank you for being amazing and following and rping with me and the fun times together:

@metuereofnoctis, @deviantsbliss, @art-of-playing-god, @madame-sand / @pxtrified-forest, @thekindchefofhoritsuba, @onceuponalosttime, @abyssalreded / @flutheld, @cybersnw, @merrywandering / @carnageblossomed / @vivificamortem / @prodigiousvisions, @runwith-thewind / @hopeful-hugz, @tigerscorn, @fiercegravity, @deinox, @fllawllessness, @bandagedbastard, @nylliver, @mockingfeathers, @blxnkbooks, @oxidizedream, @hexfaul, @bxstxrd-king @errantscriptor, @killmoral, @thehouseofthedead, @bornfromhcpe, @theholylight, @godshunned, @stray-doqs, @empyrrrean, @arcadiianliives, @acricaleo, @diivinidad, @bldscrm / @rshmn / @dcdbtc / @frthtntdsrrw / @lghtsnw, @foolslcve, @schxchterndschlau / @kunstneugiier / @mafiasbesten / @mafiaelltern / @mondlichtannulliert / @eiingebiildet / @kopiertrxumend / @diiegruppe, @nolongerbeneaththemoonlight, @memoriiascriipta / @quxtcthcrxvcn, @straylcved, @strongestofhorns, @carmellian

I hope that is everyone. I am sorry if I miss some people. I want to thank everyone who support me.

#THANK YOU EVERYONE!#mun speaking

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stargleeksil-blog · 7 years ago

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Criminal Minds s03e05 Seven Seconds review - or more aptly named, the episode where I realize that my poodle knows his video games and that Nemo can actually grow up, and I’m so not okay with that.

Episode 05 – Seven Seconds

Hey y’all! So it’s Friday morning here for me, I’m super stoked because I’m fucking going to buy my first single-serve Nespresso espresso machine. Well, it’s not literally my first, but it’s the first one I’m going to purchase, for myself, so I’m stoked.

Alright, so this episode’s name is seriously cryptic. And I don’t like it. I really don’t. Seven seconds? Are they confused and meant ‘seven minutes’ like ‘seven minutes in heaven’? Meaning we finally get to see Derek and Penelope make out? No? DAMN. Well, you can’t blame a girl for hoping.

All right, let’s see what happens.

Yay!!!!! Kid birthday party! Oh shit, wait, this is Criminal Minds, why?

Oh god. Is a kid lost in the mall? Fuck. the poor lady.

Oh god. This is just awful. A girl was fucking abducted in the mall. Oh lord.

Wait. A girl was missing last week from the mall? Fuck. Oh god, now the mother is thinking about that girl and how that one was murdered. Oh boy.

Yay. Superhero team!

117 stores in one mall? Fuck, that’s a lot! Wait, it’s America. Never mind.

“You want every inch of surveillance footage?” “Yes. Because I need to examine it frame-by-frame to see if there’s anything in the background you guys missed. I also need a joystick controller, video transmitters, a coax cable, and a programmable park. And I don’t mean that hypothetically.”

My goddess is on the job.

“Yeah, what do you got?”

“Well, can’t you get a better angle?” “Sugar, I’m not London here.”

“Believe me when I tell you the 1980’s just called. They want their security system back.” Ooh, tech burn!

“Aw, you are breaking my heart, baby girl.” HEY! Hey! I am rooting for you like crazy here, Derek, but Baby Girl is doing her best. Don’t go blaming this on her.

NO! Bad puppy.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky: “Nothing is easier than denouncing the evildoer. Nothing more difficult than understanding him.” Well, I guess that is true. Damn. Russian genius right there.

Fuck. the kid has asthma. Oh my goodness gracious.

Hold up. Is that Nemo? Cuz I saw the name Alexander Gould. Oh man! That’s Nemo! Yay!!!! Wait. But he’s not lost. His cousin is. Oh this is messing up my head.

I really don’t like Nemo’s dad. He’s seriously being a bitch. Why blame your son? He’s a kid! He gets immersed in videogames. That’s natural.

Aww, Spencer and Derek trying to talk to Nemo is the cutest! I love those two so much.

Oh shit. Did Nemo just have a panic attack? Damn.

Oh god. They need to give up the only thing of Katie’s so the dogs can find her. Then they have to talk over the PA system about Katie. The poor mother.

Oh god. This is heartbreaking.

Oh my Penelope is amazing, she just said the word ‘Criminy’. I love her so much.

“I once followed Todd Cortel the entire length of Silver Beach because he had a kite.” Oh, honey. I love you so much.

And yeah, Katie was probably lured out of the arcade. Damn.

Oh my god, poodle just corrected Derek on a name of a videogame. I can’t get over it.

Aww, those two cuties trying to make Nemo comfortable enough to talk to them about the entire thing. Oh lord. I love them.

And now they’re trying to retrace his steps from the moment he stepped into the arcade. My two genius boys.

“What are they doing to my son?” Seriously? They’re trying to find your niece. You look remarkably calm for that.

Aww, Nemo wasn’t focused on his cousin because he experienced his first crush on a hot girl who was literally, and so obviously, making fun of him for being a jerk to Katie and beign a boy. Lol. Little punk.

Oh honey, a girl walks up to you and you offer her to play a Dead or Alive game? Where you shoot peoples’ faces off? So not hot.

Oh snap. Katie had a necklace. 24-karat gold and with real rhinestones? Yeah right, she found it in the schoolyard. Someone sick gave it to her.

Someone ripped the necklace off Katie’s neck? The kidnapping was personal. Someone who knew Katie. Shit.

So Derek and my poodle are going to search the house to see what’s up there. Awesome.

“Norman Rockwell couldn’t have painted it any cozier.” Um – someone please tell me who Norman Rockwell is, cuz for the first time I don’t get Reid’s reference and it’s bugging the shit out of me. Because it worries my chocolate god and I don’t like it.

The dad is hiding something. Or … oh my goodness fucking gracious.

NO! Don’t tell me that he …

“I taught my daughter well” – why wouldn’t he include his wife in his daughter’s education? Oh god, my mind is reeling over here.

I’m with Derek, Katie is six, it’s fine that she’s wetting the bed. Don’t read into it, Reid.

That is one messed up doll. What is Katie hiding?

Hotchner needs Morgan on this. I need Morgan on this. Fuck. I think it’s the uncle. Shit.

Aw, my poodle is the one interrogating Nemo. Awesome.

“So you’re becoming a man.” Aw, my poodle is talking about growing up. But you’re still so young, pretty boy. You’re so cute.

“Why are you asking me all these questions?” “Why are you avoiding them?’ DAMN, poodle. You’re good.

Wait. Hold up. He has a son and he can’t name his son’s friends? What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

Nemo stole earrings for a girl he liked? That doesn’t sound like Nemo.

Wait. He doesn’t even know his son’s crush’s name? What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking bastard?

God of Chocolate Thunder, I am so in love with you and your pretty brain right now. Yup. The wife was like, oh so you’re questioning my son and my husband? Okay. Just let us know what’s up.

SERIOUSLY?

You are one sick bitch if you think that. Because if I had a husband and a son, I would be worried sick about them being pulled in for interrogation, that is, if I were innocent and thought the FBI profiled them as guilty.

So, bitch, either you’re guilty, or you’re fucked up in the head.

Oh my poodle is so intuitive, I love you, poodle.

Ha! The fucker just confessed. Sick asshole molested his fucking niece. You asshat. Why would you do that to a six-year-old? I mean, fine, you molested your niece, but she’s six! You are one sick asshole.

Fine, you didn’t abduct her, but you’re going down.

Wait. Hold up. So he quit over a month ago, and yet his wife was ‘waiting to have a lighter engraved for him for his birthday’? Oh crap. It was the aunt.

SHIT!

You sick lady. I knew it! Emily, you smart cookie.

Wait. So they’ve been separated for over a month? Oh god. Oh god, that woman is one sick bitch.

Please find Katie.

Oh Emily, I like it when you get feisty. Rawr. I just fell in love with Paget, fuck. Why is this show making me question my sexuality all over again? What the fuck is wrong with you that you’re doing this to human beings??? I mean, I love you guys, but I’m definitely getting aroused by the women in this ensemble.

Fuck.

Can I just say? I just realized that Shemar is seriously a method actor. Before this, when they ran into the storage whatnot, he was literally running like in an army drill, like he had background in drilling and stuff. Amazing.

Oh thank god, they got Katie.

Wait. Hold up. She’s asthmatic, and they ductaped her mouth? Fuck, that lady is nuts.

Oh god, Derek holding the baggie of fluids, and Hotchner trying to revive Katie, shit. This is too much for me.

Oh thank god, she’s okay. Fuck. thank goodness.

I love you Hotch, I love you for not giving up on her.

Go to hell, aunt and uncle, you two are sick assholes.

Oh god, so he did remember Katie calling out his mom’s name, but he didn’t want to say anything because it’s his damn mother. I love you Derek, for being so understanding. You’re amazing.

Aw, Hotch has to come over to his wife’s sister’s to see his son? Hayley, you’re a bitch. He basically did half the active work in creating Jack. He should deserve some rights.

And Hotch’s head poking inside the door to his son’s room is the cutest ever.

G.K. Chesterton: “Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed.” Oh god, that Chesterton was fucked in the head.

So to sum up this episode, I can’t believe the aunt fucking abducted her niece because her husband was molesting the kid and she felt jealous. Oh my fucking god, people are so messed up in the head. Oh my god, Nemo as a teenager!!!!!!! I can’t quite get over the fact that actors actually grow up even though they are forever immortalized on screens as characters in a specific movie or TV show. Though with TV series it’s easier for me, since you see them evolve. But it’s still uber weird for me to see Nemo talking about girls. Hahahaha.

Really loved the Reid/Morgan dynamic in this episode, was seriously depressed there wasn’t really any funny moments, though I guess it was overshadowed by the seriousness of the case, and I guess I can pardon them for it.

Overall, amazing! I loved every minute, and was so glad that Katie wasn’t dead.

This one is kinda short, cuz I didn’t really know what to do with this episode, review-wise. But I’ll still see you guys for episode 6, sipping my Linizio Lungo coffee and munching on blueberries that I still cannot believe I’ve purchased in fucking Israel. (Berries are a rarity here, in this country all fruit are seasonal, unlike the US where you get whatever you want at all times, fuck I want to live there if only to enjoy whatever fruit I want all year-round. That’s why the vegans are so well-adjusted there)

I bid you adieu till we meet again, my fair followers, לן

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