#here.... i havent been able to do much else today than to write and plan this

[evelyne-am]

22nd March 2023

Day 9

I’m still slacking and to my horror others are struggling too here and there. Most of the cast is finding it tough to remember the new cues and lines and line distributions. We spent two hours on the first five lines today barely getting through the act one. Director is understandably furious. We got a proper yelling because we are just stumbling at every line. He reminds us we haven't even done the first two pages and we have 58 left. The song we open with is the one I made and I havent locked it, so we keep making mistakes on that first opening scene for over an hour.

I feel very angry with myself, even though my lackings are in a different place than others, M is correct when she says that we still haven’t jumped in fully. I wonder if I should stop writing the blog, it makes me feel like I’m still an outsider because I’m writing about it. But I also don’t want to stop because our director is really something and I would like to remember how I have been learning, how he is directing, and also these heightened emotions that I feel that may inspire me later. I already feel myself changing, my tolerance for inefficiency in my own teams is lowering. Even though I’m doing the same thing. Get to 100 percent AM!

We are on the 3rd version now. Originally we had thought it would be each person reads one part and is M1/M2/M3 turn by turn. 2nd version we played her at the same time, line by line like we are one person. Today's version seems final. There is only one M1/M2- though everyone else has dialogue its in 3rd person now. Sir seems to have picked M1/M2 as Sharm and Srab. They've played it the second day in a row. Sharm is doing super it I have to say. She’s the most experienced of the lot except M. shes able to stay in the zone and concentrate. We are working on act one which is basically pre 71, happisg times. I realise that we haven’t cried in a few sags. The first 6 to 7 days I was crying in rehearsal every day as we were learning the script. But as we are only figuring out the intros and beginning sequences none of it has been of the war of the crimes south so it’s very sort of mild. Md says that now we are forgetting the person who is actually telling the story. She is so right after rehearsal we are all feeling a bit down because I didn’t go well, I don’t blame the director for saying that he is going to see this for one more week before deciding if we will go through or not. Even though I know there’s a lot of preparation, the actual booking of the theatre, budgets, everything else is being done, so if you want to cancel you still can. After the rehearsal M calls me aside and says we need to fix that opening sequence, I’m very shame at least say yes let’s do it. She says come to our meeting tonight. I had plans to join the gym today because at this point I realise that we are no longer doing our morning exercise as we come in and go straight into the rehearsing of the play and I gained weight in the first nine days of rehearsals I’ve gained about 2 lb in any case postcode with my hunger is through the roof, stress from recent projects and personal stuff my hunger is through the roof, and though I still try to walk a little bit it’s not every day anymore like it used to be still only a few days week. also I missed the gym I haven’t been for over six months I used to love it so much. My plans though are now canceled. I go home and take a 20 minute nap and then I rush off to the meeting. Traffic is absolutely insane and I abandon my car and get a bike and thanks to a really nice bike I reach exactly at 7:29 when I am supposed to start the music work at 7:30. The meeting is in someone’s house, one of the core members of the group. I the first time see everyone in a more relaxed situation. The entire living room is split up the keyboard is kept open for me on one side on the other side people are making dinner on the other side the entire floor plan is being made with things draw been drawn to scale. The director seems to be in a better mood and everyone is figuring out logistics and planning things et cetera et cetera. everyone looks really nice they’re all dressed up in their normal clothes.

Did I ever mention that we have a sort of outfit that we wear ?. It’s T-shirts and pants that are not too loose or too tight; this is why you see me in a different T-shirt every day that is the actual uniform for rehearsal as it’s the one that is most flexible for all of our physical work. I’m the only one who still wearing my T-shirt and sweat pants. M is dressed in a sari and she keeps covering her head and I asked her why and she says that ever since the start of the play she dresses as a birangona at home. I have been considering doing a few things to keep the essence of the play with me when I go home, and I wonder if I can do the same or not I don’t know yet. I’ve considered giving up some of my favourite things to eat to do, just to channel a bit of the story is a bit more but A part of me realises that I might be best used to do the musical aspects then being a novice actor on stage, and the fact that I am in a Inner Circle meeting doing the structures for the music means that that’s also what everyone else is thinking. this is the first time that it is acknowledged at all in these circumstances that I have a sort of following all my own identity as a media person. Reference being we are trying to calculate how many shares to do how many tickets need to be sold how many tickets can be sold at certain prices and The host jokes that oh don’t worry Armeen will bring her own crowd. I have no idea if that’s true I know my friends would come. Overall it’s very light and jolly situation however once we wrap up our introductory song so I remind Sir that there is a second one to do and I actually feel like giving him ideas. I try to do a rap like spoken word piece and Azhar sort of points out doesn’t go. So I sort of give up for the day, I don’t know why I give up so easily these days. I don’t have a push sometimes when I don’t get my first brilliant idea naturally I give up very easily. The first song that I made for the intro it was literally the first thing that came out of my mind and it was based on a bunch of chords that I know that are good. The second song is different it’s not a soft song so not in my genre and obviously I am struggling with it and I just give up. but I admit it was nice to see The director a bit more relaxed; they all joke about each other and their romantic partners even Sir teases M, I’m a bit embarrassed so I just smile and sit in the corner. Our host is really sweet though she is evidently someone who has seen a lot of my work already and both the host chat with me a little bit. It feels weird to have references to my non-theatre life in theatre mode.

I’m struggling to fix my sleep schedule, when I go home it’s already pretty late, but I have my own things to do thoughts to have that I cannot ignore, I wish we were there were more days in the air, or more hours on the day that I could use to spend a little bit of time just thinking and also bloody apartment I don’t even have an AC right now and it’s getting really hot and I haven’t had the time to actually buy an AC and get it installed. Also I am dying to just organise my bookshelf it’s the first thing you see you when you enter my flat but despite the fact that I’ve had all the books nicely done I still do not have even 10 minutes to put the books in the order that I want to. I’m up till 2 am again with my own stuff. I haven’t memorised M2 either, I won’t say that I’m not enjoying being part of the music but I do realise it might lower my chances of getting any proper lines.

Oh God after disastrous rehearsal day I am a bit more relieved to see that the play is still being planned, they have decided to lower the number of shows from 25 to 19. M says it’s only physically durable to do the maximum 19 shows in a row. I have performed many many days in a row but never 19 shows I’m actually deeply looking forward to those 19 inches. Your girl hasn’t been on stage in awhile and it’s coming through.

[i-am-not-anon]

Under the eye of an institution

part 2

Summary: Logan and Patton (both 16), the older students, are expected to look after two groups of freshmen in Watersouth boarding school for boys. Both of them despise the tradition of bullying that is subjected to the newcomers by older students. The two respectively get a student in their groups who is a little different from the ordinary crowd: Roman and Virgil (both 15).

Author’s note: I’m so into this, but please don’t expect updates at this rate. I am simply hyperfocused. (also Roman has undiagnosed ADHD if you haven’t noticed yet, and Virgil has stuttering.) Message me for getting into the taglist, please.

Triggers: Bullying, abuse, violence, violent punishments, panic attacks, name calling, i n s t i t u t i o n

Other parts here

....

”Now Roman, what you just did was reckless and in fact dangeous.” Logan folded his arms behind his back. ”If you had been assigned any other tutor, you would be in deep trouble for the rest of the year.”

”I’m used to sitting after school-” Roman tried to explain, only to be cut off. ”Did I ask you something, Roman Pears?”

”No, sir.”

Logan sighed, talking now to the whole class. ”All of you are under my authority here. Everything you do, or leave undone, will affect my reputation. I tolerate absolutely no foolery here, and so will no teacher or other older student.” … ”Your most important job for these first weeks of school is to learn how our system works. The quicker, the better, as any violation of code will quickly give you the name of an unruly student. Roman, you may sit down.” Logan walked back to the front of the class. ”Now as I will call your name, you stand up and show you’re present. After that your first lesson starts with Mr. Higgins.”

Patton was done with checking everybody was present, and as there was a little time left before the teacher would arrive, he wanted to actually get to know these boys a little.

”Would you like to tell a bit more about yourselves? Let’s take a quick round, and everybody tells what they enjoy doing on their free time.”

Patton smiled, commenting positively as the students answered. ”So you write fiction? Oh, that’s cool.” ”Oh I wish you brought your dog here, I would love to pet her!”

Virgil gripped the sleeves of his school uniform.

You will be fine. just say you like reading and music. Patton is chill.

”How about you, Virgil?”

”I-I listen to mu-music and books… Ime-an-an I read-read books!” Virgil corrected, hearing a muffled giggle from a row behind him.

Great. Absolutely amazing, he was officially the stutter of the class now.

”That’s nice,” Patton encouraged. ”What genre is your favorite?”

”I like fantasy,” Virgil mumbled.

”Fantasy is always interesting,” Patton nodded, before moving on to the next student.

…

Logan had to deny Roman from tapping the desk with his hands before Mr. Higgins came in. He also noticed Roman whispering something to another student, who muffled a giggle right after. For the love of Archimedes, he had gotten a class clown. Logan left after reporting to Mr. Higgins that all the students were present.

The new but determined tutor thought about Roman’s case as he walked to his own lesson. Logan knew only two ways a class clown would turn out in this school. If they were just a harmless jokester who compensated their bad grades with humor and socializing, they were doomed to be quieted down and turned into an ordinary student. In some cases they were able to hold onto their cheerful personality traits, but too often the institution pushed them into a too small box and they had no other option to fit there.

The other option was available, if the student had a hint of real deviance and was a bit cunning. That way he might stand his ground by quickly turning against the authority. There were always a few boys in each generation that pulled horrible tricks to teachers despite the cost. They held the endless admiration of classmates higher than getting the worst punishments in the whole school. Finally as they had survived the first year, they often turned to be the worst tutors for their own groups. Again, giving a lot of punishments earned the admiration from their own class, and they had gotten more used to the abuse so it was easier for them to continue doing it.

….

After the first lesson Logan and Patton sat at the older students benches. A few new students came by, confessing their first mistakes in class for their tutors. Teachers had assigned them to do so, and the older boys decided punishments for them. Patton was happy to see a few of his group members further away in the hall. Apparently they had behaved themselves.

Logan didn’t like the way he was surprised as Roman had no reason to talk to him on the first break. He gave credit for that to Mr. Higgins, who was a hint more laid-back than the other teachers.

…

The next break, however, both of the boys had a student to deal with. Roman and Virgil walked to their tutors, the former fidgeting with his pockets and the latter looking at his feet.

”I spoke unprompted and made ’unnecessary noise’,” Roman confessed to Logan. He glanced at his tutor, unsure what was going to happen.

Logan sighed. ”Go sharpen this pen for me so I have a moment to think.” he handed Roman his pen, and the boy hurried around the corner. Logan sat for a moment longer before following the student.

…

”I p-pro-pronounced mr. Brass wrong, sir,” Virgil muttered, not daring to look Patton in the eye. It was only the second lesson of the whole year and he had already messed up. Patton had seemed nice at first, but even he must be disappointed.

”How’s that so offending thing?” Patton asked.

Virgil slouched even more. ”I-I acc-accidentally sa-said Br-bra- ass and he-he acc-acc-accused me of moc-king him, sir” he admitted.

Patton frowned and stood up, leading Virgil further away from the other students.

”Hey, Virgil, try to breathe, okay?” Patton noticed that the poor guy was almost shaking. ”You will be fine. I won’t punish you.”

”I-I-I-I didn’t me-mean to be-be-be rude, sir,” Virgil claimed, glancing at Patton. Would the older boy believe him?

”That’s what I thought,” Patton hummed. ”You sometimes have a bit of trouble in speaking, am I right?”

”Yes, sir.” Virgil looked ashamed of himself.

”It’s not your fault,” Patton hurried to reassure. ”I’m sure you are trying your best, Virgil.”

Virgil was quiet for a moment before continuing.

”I always get it wh-when I’m nervous. I-I’m sorry, yo-you-you get troub-trouble because of me, sir.”

”Hey, remember what I told you this morning,” Patton reminded. ”I’m here to help you, not to be the most admired tutor.”

Virgil didn’t know what to say. ”Thank you, sir.”

Patton beamed. ”No problem, Virgil. Now let’s go back and look like I have just scolded you, alright?”

A small smile spread on Virgil’s lips. ”Yes, sir.”

….

Logan stood next to Roman, waiting for him to finish the task before leading him to outside so they could talk in peace. A few of Logan’s classmates cheered after them, assuming Roman was gonna get whipped behind the school.

As they got outside, Logan pulled them to a quiet corner.

”Now, Roman Pears. Why don’t you just stay quiet in class and focus?”

”I don’t know, sir.”

”Don’t know? Give me one reason at a time.”

Roman kicked the grass at his foot.

”I forget.”

”Sir.”

”I forget, sir.”

”So how do we make you remember?”

”I don’t know, sir.”

”Well, let’s say, hypothetically, you were Patrick Stewart’s student. He would take a good grip of that golden hair and flip you around couple of times. Since I’m not about those barbaric behaviors, you will be writing me an essay of your behavior after classes.” Roman was about to complain, but Logan’s dismissive gesture was enough to keep him quiet this time.

”That is, if I have to hear about you again today. Understood?”

Roman really wanted to complain, but it was slowly getting into his head that it would do no good. ”Yes, sir.”

”Good. Let’s go back inside.”

As the two walked back through the crowd of boys, one of them shouted to Roman. ”How’d that feel, little rat?”

Roman immediately held his head, grimacing as if Logan had just pulled his hair. He was a good actor, as the crowd of older boys immediately erupted to laughter.

...

Taglist: @daring-elm @creativity-killed-thekitten @heck-im-lost @uwillbeefoundtonight @gabe-killed-me-with-ace-cream @just-another-rainbowblog @buddypallady

[fluffi]

SNOW-COVERED KISS :: FELIX

pairing: felix x gn!reader

genre: 70% fluff, 30% angst, barista!felix, angst subplot

word count: 2k

author’s note: hi @constellynx! you knew already, but im your secret santa! you mightve deactivated by now (which im pissed at myself for not uploading sooner) but if you havent i hope you enjoy this! have a great new year :)

warnings: mentions of getting stood up

Maybe it was the fact that it was a Friday morning and you had no classes, or that you had walked past the cute little coffee shop on the corner of Avenue street twenty times this week, and you still hadn’t bothered to check it out. Nonetheless, you had the afternoon free today, and you were planning to spend it at Little Leaf Café.

“Welcome to Little Leaf! We hope you have a wonderful time here!” Chorused voices from employees at the café echoed as you opened the door to cold air and overlapping conversations.

It was a gorgeous café, you could tell why it was so popular. Plants of various colors were placed around the area -- hung from grids on the ceiling, on tables, growing on the sides of the walls. Not to mention the festive decorations — an assortment of green and red items meticulously placed around the café.

However, there was something...rather, someone, that was way more gorgeous than the entire café.

“Hello! How can I help you today?”

You were met with an ethereal face after lining up for what felt like ages. As soon as the last heart-struck girl left, an angel entered your line of view.

The sunny boy stood across the counter with a googly smile on his face. You noticed the way his eyes crinkled upwards, and how the apples of his cheeks turned a shade of baby pink when he saw you. He had a silver mullet that looked perfectly trimmed and maintained...you were tempted to run your hands through it. However, his contrasting baritone voice caught you off guard.

In shock and nervousness of talking to new (handsome) people, you completely messed up.

“Hi...I, um, anything? I’ll get anything?” You stuttered and internally facepalmed.

You just embarrassed yourself in front of a very cute boy, but he didn’t seem to notice. Rather, he didn’t seem to mind.

“Sure, I can give you some recommendations. Right now our xmas-special Peppermint Mocha is popular, but if I’m going to be honest, it’s not one of my favorites. I would recommend the Gingerbread Spiced Coffee, but it's your call.” He leaned over the counter and whispered, looking around to make sure his boss didn’t hear him.

As he leaned over to talk to you, you were able to see him clearer. He had glowing skin and his eyes sparkled in excitement, but it made you feel calm. You felt serene and happy looking into his dazzling brown orbs. 

Just then, said eyes blinked and squinted at you. That brought you down to Earth.

“Right, right! I’ll get whatever you said! The Singerbread Giced Coffee?” You nodded your head in panic before you realized what you just said.

“Uh, it's called the Gingerbread Spiced Coffee, but sure. Anything else?” He looked back at you after inputting your order with a teasing gleam in his eye.

“Nothing else. I’m sorry, I’m such a mess today!” You bowed in embarrassment and looked at your fidgeting fingers.

He chuckled. “Nothing to worry about. What’s your name?”

“Y/N. What’s yours?” You answered, before realizing that he only needed it to write your name on the plastic cup.

“Oh! I’ve never had anyone ask me my name before. It’s Felix.” He flashed another dazzling smile at you before handing you a table number.

Felix put your order on the pick up table and left to man the counter. Through your peripheral vision, however, you could catch him nervously glancing at you. Ignoring the rising butterflies in your stomach, you walked over to your reserved seat and placed your tray down.

Felix put your order on the pick up table and left to man the counter. Through your peripheral vision, however, you could catch him nervously glancing at you. Ignoring the rising butterflies in your stomach, you walked over to your reserved seat and placed your tray down.

Felix put your order on the pick up table and left to man the counter. Through your peripheral vision, however, you could catch him nervously glancing at you. Ignoring the rising butterflies in your stomach, you walked over to your reserved seat and placed your tray down.

However, as you were about to take a sip of your specially recommended drink, you glanced down and saw your receipt, with a specially written note on it.

Hi, Y/N. If you see this. Read my continued message on the serviette under your drink ;)

-felix

Your heart shuddered as you began to overthink pretty much every possibility that could happen between you and Felix. Maybe he wrote you a note to tell you that you were annoying? Maybe kind of weird? A little cuckoo? A bunch of mind-boggling thoughts started circulating your brain as you slowly flipped your serviette over.

Hi Y/N.

I know this seems like a really unconventional method, but I honestly don’t have the courage to ask someone out on a date in person hehe. Oops! I just said it...uh, would you want to go out with me on a date? I think you’re really cute and I love your personality! Also, um, you’re really pretty.

I was thinking that we can maybe meet at the 31st Bus Stop at 4pm? I have a shift till 3.30 so I could go there and meet you. We can plan everything else out later :3

If you’re already taken, that's alright! You can ignore this message. But do what you will with the information I gave you.

-felix the little leaf barista dude

Your face was in a dark shade of beet red as you looked up timidly and immediately locked eyes with Felix. You tried not to smile as you looked away and giggled shyly.

On Felix’s side, he had been staring at you ever since you took your order. When the two of you met eyes, his entire body froze, and he stopped what he was doing, dropping his half-washed cup into the sink.

“Dude, what are you doing, I- “ Bang Chan, his senior colleague and friend, followed Felix’s line of sight to you and chuckled slyly.

“In my opinion, the color of their face probably means that they’ll go out with you. Get back to work Lix, or you might not be able to see her later.” He nudged Felix’s side, prompting him to continue working. Felix looked up at Bang Chan in confusion and continued his work, still glancing at you occasionally.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry. How can I help yo-oh. Oh.” Felix looked up at you smiling, still blessed with a tinge of pink across your cheeks.

“I should’ve given more context. Yes, I’ll go out with you tonight!” You didn’t know where you received this newfound confidence, but you were going to use all of it.

“Oh, really? That’s great! I’ll meet you there then. Be careful, okay? Can’t have you getting hurt before we have our first date.”

Once again you had melted into a puddle of nervousness. Unable to voice out anything, you nodded your head multiple times and ran out the café. Your hands were cold from the chilly season, but your heart was warm from the cute barista.

It was ten past four. You were sitting under the shade of 31st Bus Stop, fidgeting with the hem of your waistband and looking around, by yourself.

You weren’t losing hope, you were sure Felix was on his way right now. He would never stand you up, right? 

Right?

Regardless, you sat on the uncomfortable metal bench in freezing weather, and you were about to text him, when…

You realized you didn’t have his phone number. 

You weren’t going to go home, however. Determined Y/N was planning to wait for as long as it would take. You trusted Felix.

Forty minutes now. You had been playing some mobile games, looking out at the bustling street in front of you. During the winter season, the sun set earlier, so it was already dark and it definitely wasn’t safe for you to be alone. However, you were determined that Felix would arrive soon.

Five more minutes was what you told yourself as you stared out into the empty road, now barren of cars as the rush hour was over.

“Lee Yongbok, where do you think you’re going?”

Felix cursed under his breath and turned to Mr. Park with a small smile. “I’m done with my shift boss, I’ll get going now.”

“Felix, it's peak season right now. If you don’t remember what I told you guys during the brief meeting, I’ll say it again. From the 12th of December to the 25th of December, all of you have your shifts extended for two hours due to the influx of customers during the Christmas season. Is that so hard to understand?” Mr. Park crossed his arms and squinted at Felix.

“Mr. Park, I’ve understood that rule. I did my two-hour extension, now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be going now. I have somewhere to be.” Felix tried opening the door and walking out but was pulled back by a stronger arm grabbing his.

“Nuh-uh, young man. I’m sure that whatever event you have today isn’t going to be as important as the wellbeing of Little Leaf. Now if you’ll excuse me, do get your apron and hat back on and go back to manning the counter.” Mr. Park mocked.

Felix sighed and tried one last time at changing the mind of his horrible boss. “But Mr. Park, I swear, I did my two-hour extension, you can check the roster if you-”

“Get back to work, boy. Unless you want to start a new job in 2021.”

Felix sighed and threw his bag down, walking to the staff room to retie his apron.

Later, when Mr. Park checked the roster, he would find out that Felix did do his two-hour extension, and that he never lied.

An hour and a half, that was how long you waited. No one would ever wait for that long. No one would ever stay alone at late hours of the day, waiting for someone who probably wouldn’t even show up.

Tears stung your eyes as you sighed and stood up, huffing and smoothening your outfit out. You thought that Felix had probably stood you up. It was probably a dare, maybe he had been dared to write a generic love serviette to some desperate person who fell for his charming looks. Even then you couldn’t help but think of Felix, and tears streamed down your face as you trudged back home.

“Y/N! Y/N, wait up! Y/N, don’t leave, hear me out.” The voice you had been waiting for finally could be heard.

You stopped in your tracks and turned around to face a panting Felix. His hair was disheveled, apron still on, and his jacket was worn the wrong way round. What an entrance to a first date.

“Y/N, I’m sorry. Mr. Park honestly...he kept me for an hour more, before I convinced him to let me leave. I don’t know why, I’m so sorry. I honestly didn’t think you would be here, no one would stay that long. Please, give me another chance?” Felix took a few steps closer to you but maintained his distance. His eyes scanned yours for any response.

“I’m- I mean, it's not your fault...but you made me wait for so long. I just, I don’t know what to say. I thought you stood me up.” Your eyes watered once again.

Felix immediately waved his hands in denial and took one more step closer to you. “No, no, Y/N. I would never. I’m sorry if you thought I would ever stand you up. I should have made my way here over faster, if only I gave you my phone number. I’m so sorry-”

Your eyes suddenly widened, and you looked up. White, shimmering, pieces of ice fell upon the both of you. You stared at him in awe, mouth open wide.

It hadn’t snowed in Seoul for a long, long time. Maybe this moment was special. 

Felix smiled back at you. Amidst the white rain, he took a few steps closer to you until the both of you were so close that you could...kiss.

“Y/N. I apologize. I’m sorry for being a horrible first date. Will you forgive me?” His dark chocolate orbs glanced into yours, dragging you into a new universe.

“Yes. I’ll forgive you.” You whispered, looking at the ground.

His eyes scanned yours for any sort of consolation. He didn’t even need to ask anymore. “Y/N, can I kiss you?” He quietly asked, using his pointer finger to tilt your chin upwards.

As you nodded, he leaned in and placed his lips on yours, as the both of you stood amidst the snow. You wrapped your arms around his neck and he put his around your waist and the both of you deepened the kiss.

Two lone beings, coming together as one, in the midst of a snow-struck city.

2021 © fluffi

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hiiii it's me again😂❤️ Can I have a ff where Artie Is at Arkham and it's his last day in. and x Reader comes to pick him up from the hospital🥺 and they go home together, and as always if you want to add some cuddles or She helps Artie to take a warm bath🥺 It would be nice

Oh my dear friend, thank you so much for the request. It was a very emotional ride and very intimate to write. I hope with all my heart that you will like it. Love you so much!

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

The moment the door opened you felt your heart crumble. That heavy, white door with the tiney window. He must have stared at this window for so many nights.

The bed was empty. For a second you feared that he broke out of the hospital. If that was the case they would find him and lock him up again. Way longer than last time. The thought of being seperated from him for another few weeks or months seemed unbearable. Looking back at the last weeks without him made you wonder how you managed to stay sane yourself. The empty bed, the stillness of his  empty apartment...it felt like the walls were closing in on you. Night for night was spent on his couch, alone, trying to remember his skin on yours, pressing his pillow close to your face to smell the remains of his sweat and shampoo that got caught up in the soft fabric.

He was missing from you like a part of your very own body. And now you`re gonna get your missing part back. Taking it home with you. Filling his apartment with love again.

Your eyes searched for him. That room. Standig between these four walls made you feel snowblind. All the white. Even Arthur was dressed in white.  The only contrast was his dark hair .

Arthur was sitting in the corner of the room. Crumbled up on the floor, like a piece of paper. Like a love letter that wasn`t well written enough to send it, so the writer just formed it into a ball and threw it across the room.

But you wanted to read it. Every sentence. Every letter. You wanted to take that page and uncrumble it. Make it readable again, to realize how beautifully written it actually was. Poetry. The purest form there ever was.

Arthur was the poem who remained unnoticed. Unseen by so many. Even by the ones who wrote him.

The doctor kept looking at you, talked about last night and how Arthur kept whimpering your name. But all you could do was focusing on that one curls that fell to Arthurs forehead. His head was hanging heavy on his shoulders. He looked downwards.

"Artie, darling? I`m here. " you got up to him to knee on the ground.

Arthur finally lifted his head. The circles under his eyes darkened  since you saw him two days ago. He looked exhausted as you gently stroke his hair. A tired smile crossed his sad eyed face. His curls felt greasy like he didnt washed it for at least a week.

"You look tired, darling"

Arthur tried to get up but he seemed so much weaker than he was when he got here.

"Im so tired, Y/N. I`m so very tired." He sat down on the floor again "You`re really here aren`t you?"

"I am.  Its your last day. I will take you home with me now".

Arhur started to cry "Can you please hug me. I need to feel that this is real. I want to hug you but....I can`t"

It was now that you realized that he was still in his handcuffs.

You wrapped your arms around him so tight you felt his ribcage poking you. Silent tears fell from his eyes onto your shoulders.  "I missed you so much, Arthur. I was so incompleate without your breath on my neck at night. "

He nodded, unable to answer. He just cried.

"Cry, sweetheart.its okay let it all out. It`s over now. You can go home with me. No more lonely night in this cold room. We`re gonna go home now and I`m gonna make you a nice, hot bath before we disappear under the sheets.

The doctor looked at you with disguise "A hot bath sounds like a plan. Mr Fleck refused to take a shower for 9 days straight. "

You didnt liked the tone in her voice.

"Why is he still wearing his handcuffs anyway?" you asked.

"Because you can never know with him." The doctor replied, giving him a dirty look.

You wanted to tell her how damn rude she was but you kept silent to not risk anything.

"And he refused to eat,too. We actually thought he wated to starve himself to death in here. Which is illegal."

The anger inside of you grew with every word she said, but you concentrated on Arthur and supported him to get up. "C`mon, darling. We`re gonna leave this place now."

Arthur once again fell into your arms, desperately trying to touch you with his cuffed hands. You held his fingers  inside your fist "You`ll feel better soon, I promise."

The doctor took a step closer and got the keys to unlock the handcuffs. "Goodbye, Mr. Fleck. " her voice sounded cold and heartless. You noticed her taking a step back as Arthur looked up to starte into her eyes. Almost like she was afraid of him. How could anyone be afraid of him?

Arthur didnt answer. The second his hands were free he hugged you with his whole body. So tight it felt like you shared the same jumpsuit. He held your face between his hands. They were as gentle as always. The most gently hands in the world. He seemed different. But still the same. His fingertips stroke your face, your cheekbones and nose, your chin. "I missed touching you, Y/N. Oh, I need to touch you so bad. "  The intensivity of his eyes never left, even when he looked as tired as  he did now. He was so touch starved. Just as you.

"Not in here, Mr Fleck. You know the rules." The doctors voice really got on your nerves. Did she had any idea how hard it was not being able to share your love ? Did she even knew how it felt to be in love? To be forced to leave your other half behind? At a mental hospital?

You both ignored her, touching each others faces "I missed the taste of you" he breathed upon your mouth, right before your lips met. Arthur kissed you with all that was within him. His mouth was dry from all the medication. His lips cracked.  But his kiss was full of love and admiration for you. Full of longing and pain.

Your fingers ran through his messy hair. It was getting even longer than usual. Almost reaching his shoulders.

"Please!" The doctor started to sound angry. "This is not allowed! You`ve got enough time in your hands when you`re out of this building".

Your lips parted again.

"Thats right Dr. Finn. Goodbye." you grabbed Arthurs hand and lead him out of the room.

Before you left Arkham Arthur was lead into the changing room, where he got rid of his white clothing. He looked so much more like himself when he got back. His brown cardigan made him look softer than ever before. He touched the soft, worn out fabric of it, convincing himself that this was all real. Grounding.

It felt good to leave this bulding which became his second home after so many years of being in and out. A home that felt more like a prison since there was someone waiting for him outside these walls.

The whole way home  on the tram Arthur rested his head on your shoulder, closing his eyes. He needed sleep.

"I havent slept for days" he whispered while you sqeezed his hand. "I couldnt close an eye without you by my side. Even the sleeping pills couldnt help."

"We`re gonna make you rest as soon as we get home, Artie."

Artur almost drifted off into sleep on the ride home. Leaning on your shoulder was enough to make him feel save enough to get sleepy.

When you arrived home you took off his sweater and pants "You`re freezing, baby."

"I know."

"Do you still want to take a bath before going to bed?"

"Yeah...please! I feel kinda... dirty".

You kissed his forehead and handed him a bathrobe "Put this on while the water is still running. It will keep you warm. I will make you some soup, okay? You gotta eat something,too."

Arthur nodded "Okay. But...I`m afaraid my stomach cant hold it. They gave me some new meds and it was getting worse again. "He looked ahamed as you walked into the kitchen to boil some water. "Dont worry, Artie. We`ll go slowly. But we have to try. I wont let you go to bed with an empty stomach today. It must have been days since you had eaten something. "

Arthur followed you into the kitchen. He needed to be near you every second. He looked so lost in his bathrobe. So helpless.

"Alright, the soup will be  done when you finished bathing. " you smiled. Arthur mirrored your smile and followed you  back into the bathroom. He stil walked like he had his handcuffs on, which was a sad thing to wittness.

Arthur froze when you helped him out of his bathrobe and into the bathtub. He was even skinnier than usual. His body looked like he was close to a break down. His shoulderbone seemed like it was about to burst through his fragile skin. He`s got some small bruises on his wrists and his tummy was sucked in.

The warm water felt like an embrace as he let himself sink into it. He immediately closed his eyes and awaited your touch.

"I`m so gald to be home" he mumbled as you started to shampoo his sweaty hair. Washing his beautiful curls always felt very intimate to you. You had a thing for his hair. Every strain of it was holy to you. Every curl a poem.

You noticed a small wound on his forehead as you tried not to let the shampoo run into his eyes. "You`re hurt"

"I know. It was my fault. I did it to myself. I`m sorry if I disappoint you"

"Artie, you could never disappoint me. Do you hear me?"

He nodded.

"I love you more than anything, Arthur"

"My whole life I never loved anything else" he replied.

You stopped washing his hair for a second to lean in to kiss him. The warm water dripped down his forehead. You tasted his shampoo upon your lips.

He was home with you.

Life was sweet.

You took the sponge and washed away the pain and loneliness. Every bad memory, every sleepless night at Arkham. You washed it all way. Watching the pain dissappear in his eyes.

Arthurs musicles started to relax under your  tender touch. Even his tense tummy.

He was thankful for all the attention, the love. A smile crossed his face after he got out of the bathtub. You hugged him while he was still naked.

"You feel better now, sweetheart?"

" A lot, Y/N. Thank you. I`m trying to eat some soup now. Just for you!"

"Thats great, Artie. lets do it" you handed him oneof his sweaters. "Um....can I have....would you let me wear one of yours? " he asked with his little voice.

"Of course, Arthur. Oh god, sure. Wait I will get you one!"

A minute later you came back with your fave sweater. Arthur slipped into it like it was his.

"Thank you so much. Its so comortig to wear your clothes".

"Anytime, baby" you got the bowl of soup.

Arthur sat down on the couch. He didnt even asked for a cigarette.

You noticed his eyes watering.

"Whats wrong, Artie?"

"I`m afraid I might throw up. I`ll be so embarassing."

You took the spoon and put it to his lips "There is no reason to be ashamed. The important thing is to try. If you have to throw up its okay. "

"I threw up at Arkham and they yelled at me"

"I´m not gonna yell at you."

"I know....I know that." he whispered.

Arthur swallowed after you fed him the first spoon.

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah."

"Another?"

"Yeah"

You fed him three spoons of soup until he was close to spit it out again.

"Its okay, baby. Take your time. We`ve got all the time in the world to make you eat."

"Thank you so much, Y/N. I dont know what I would do without you."

Arthur waited five minutes until he was ready for another four spoons.

"I´m proud of you, Arthur. Really. You`re doing great.

"Thank you Y/N. For helping me with that. I think thats all I can eat for today. But maybe....tomorrow. Or later when I wake up. Maybe you can leave the bowl of soup next to my bed"

"Sure, darling." You kissed the corner of his mouth and placed the bowl on the table.

"Try to get some sleep now. I`ll be right here with you".

Arthur layed down on the couch as you joined him.

His huge blanket covered both of your bodies.

"Finally" he muttered, pulling you close to his heart, burying his face in the crook of your neck, kissing it gently as he breathed you in.

The familiar smell of his own sheets helped him relax.

"Y/N?"

"Yes Arthur?"

"Would you....like...sing me to sleep or something?"

"Of course,my love"

Arthur closed his tired eyes as your voice quietly echoed through apartment 8J.

"The moon is a silver dollar shining up in the sky

There is a dream we can buy.

Sweetheart you and I

The moon is a silver dollar

Made for lovers to share

And with you in my arms

I`m a millionaire

Our care in troubles

Will all be small change

Someday they all change

Into a dream come true

The moon is a silver dollar

What a glorious sight

Lets invest at him love

Tonight"

---

@impulsiveclown @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss @sadjesterautumn @therealjokerking10 @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie @jokerflecker  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @nicoleverse @mdme-rosary @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella   @cherrymoon75 @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos

[abrakophile]

I was looking through a bunch of junk and found some letters from my dad when he was in the army. I’m afraid I'll accidently toss them, so maybe I’ll put them here?

OPs Name JUNE 02 03

I LOVE YOU

THIS IS MY NAME IN KURDISH

*my dad wrote his first and last name, and under it, in Kurdish*

ILL TRY AND FIND OUT HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME AND MOMS TOO.

ITS STILL HOT. I WORK AND READ BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD I HOPE. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? DO YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? TELL THEM I SAID “WASSUP?” NAH, DONT TELL THEM. TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING. I’M TRYING TO SEND YOU SOME MORE OF MY DRAWINGS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU? DID YOU LIKE THE DRAWING I SENT YOU OF YOU NAME? ITS ALRIGHT IF YOU DIDNY. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT ME TO DRAW YOU.

(Flip Page)

THIS IS WEIRD! (The page does not have lines on the left side of it) i WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PIECE OF PAPER. HaHa

I MISS YOU ALOT. PLEASE SOND ME SOME MORE OF YOUR DRAWINGS, YOU CAN DRAW ME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO.

ARE YOU BEING GOOD FOR YOUR MOM? ITS NICE IF YOU HELP HER OUT WHILE I’M AWAY.

HAVE YOU BEEN ANYPLACE NEW? HOW IS SCHOOL GOING FOR YOU? IS MOMMY GOING TO SCHOOL? I KNOW I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WHEN I GET BACK. HOPEFULLY I GET THE CHANCE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO KNOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

ALSO, ID LIKE TO DO SOME FISHING? HOW ABOUT YOU? I GUESS ILL END HERE. BE GOOD AND STAY IN SCHOOL. AND JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

THEYRE BAD.

I LIVE YOU OP

*hearts and x’s* DADDY

---

(I don’t know if all these pages are in order or if it’s missing any, but this was the letter in the same stack as the last but this one was for my mom. In some places his indents indicate passage of time.)

I HAVENT HAD ANY TIME TO WRITE SINCE WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, NOT TO MENTION THAT WE CAN’T SEND MAIL WHEN WE’RE MOVING ALL THE TIME.

WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR ABOUT FIVE OR SIX DAYS, I HAVENT REALLY BEEN COUNTING. I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT WE’D BE IN KUWAIT FOR A WHILE, BUT THAT WAS SO YOU WOULDNT BE WORRIED. I’M GOING TO KEEP THIS LETTER THOUGH, TILL I GET HOME.

ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO, WE DROVE THROUGH BAGDHAD, SOMEBODY SAID THAT THERE WERE PILED BODIES, I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE.

AND I GUESS YESTERDAY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SAID THEY SAW A MISSILE OR SOEMTHING SHOT AT US. I WAS TRYING TO FIX A TRUCK SO I DIDNT SEE IT.

ITS NOT AS DUSTY HERE IN IRAQ. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CONVOYS IN KOREA.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WILL WAVE “HI”. SOME OTHERS DONT.

I SAW A KID OPEN HIS HAND ONCE WHILE MOVING, AND IT SAID “BUSH” THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.

OH YEAH. HERES A STORY. WHILE OUT DOING A MISSION, ONE OF OUR “BRADLEY” TANKS FIRED ON AN ENEMY AMMO TRUCK AND CLIPPED A KID. THE ROUNDS BLEW ONE OF HIS LEGS OFF AND SOME OF THE OTHER, FROM THE KNEE DOWN. SO THE MEDICS PICKED HIM UP AND BROUGHT HIM TO OUR RECONCOLIDATING POINT FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. I GUESS HE EVENTUALLY DIED FROM LOSS OF BLOOD THE NEXT NIGHT AND YESTERDAY THEY TOOK HIM OUT AND BURIED HIM.

ALSO WE PICKED UP ABOUT 25-30 P.O.W.s AND SENT THEM SOUTH.

IT GETS PRETTY COLD AT NIGHT. AND THE DAY’S ARE VERY HOT.

SINCE WE LEFT KUWAIT ITS BEEN ME AND MENDOZA IN THE FIVE TON WRECKER AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT ITS BEEN EXCITING. WE KEPT GETTING SEPERATED FROM THE CONVOY AND BREAKING DOWN. BUT I THINK THAT WERE BETTER NOW. HOPEFULLY.

IM STILL WAITING TO BE AMBUSHED TO MAKE ALL THIS SEEM REAL TO ME. A PART OF ME WANTS IT AND ANOTHER DOESNT.

AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY OUR UNIT HAS TO STAY IN UNIFORM, EVERYONE ELSE WEARS T-SHIRTS AND BANDENA’S AND RAGS ON THEIR HEAD

WERE STILL GOING NORTH. NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG WE’LL STAY. ITS NOT THAT BAD HERE. MEANING, IT COULD BE WORSE. 

I USED A “SHIT-CHAIR”. ITS JUST A METAL CHAIR WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND THE SEAT FROM A TOILET BOLTED TO IT, GROSS.

HELICOPTERS CAN BE HEARD ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I GOT TO SEE THEM DROP BOMBS ALL DAY ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, FROM A DISTANCE OF COURSE.

ILL BE DRIVING AGAIN, IN A MINUTE. PROBABLY RE-FUEL AND BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN. IM ENJOYING IT.

I HAVE 8 MAGAZINES FULL OF ROUNDS. NO GRENADES, BUT I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.

I GUESS ILL END IT HERE FOR NOW

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TWO TWICE IF NOT THRICE AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT MISS ME TOO.

HELLO AGAIN. WERE SOMEWHERE NEAR TIKRI + MOSUL. YESTERDAY, ME + MENDOZA WENT LOOKING FOR MOMENTO’S. WE BROKE A LOCK TO A NEAR BY BUNKER AND FOUND 6 A.K.47s! BUT ON OUR WAY BACK TO TURN THEM IN, MAJOR TATU GOT THEM FROM US. I WAS SO PISSED. BUT I GOT A GAS MASK w/ FILTER, A FULL MAGAZINE CLIP FROM ONE OF THE A.K.s AND A BERET WITH IRAQ 1 RANK ON IT.

I MADE A STENCIL FOR THE TRUCK WERE RIDING IN. ITS CALLED THE “GAMBLER.” YESTERDAY MENDOZA DROVE, SO TODAY ILL BE DRIVING.

IM NOT POSITIVE, BUT, I THINK WERE GOING TO TURKEY. NIETO SAYS THAT HE OVERHEARD SOMEBODY FROM S1 (or SI, I’m not sure) SAYING WE MIGHT GET PAID EXTRA FOR GOING THROUGH BAGHDAD.

I THINK NIETO’S MAD AT ME. CANT EXPLAIN WHY. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM RIDING WITH MENDOZA AND HE DOESNT LIKE MENDOZA TOO MUCH. OH WELL, WHATEVER REASON, HOPE THINGS GET NORMAL AGAIN. HAVE TO GO,

*hearts and xs*

TODAY IS THE 25th OF APRIL, I RECEIVED FIVE OR SIX (OR SEVEN) LETTERS YESTERDAY. THE LATEST WAS DATED 07 OF APRIL. THAT TELLS ME THAT ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COMMUNICATE.

WE HAVENT RECEIVED MAIL BECAUSE WEVE BEEN MOVING NEVER STAYING IN ONE PLACE MORE THAN A DAY, OR TWO, UNTIL NOW. WE’VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT GOING ON FOUR DAYS TOMORROW?!

GIVE ME A MINUTE...

FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS IVE BEEN HELPING MENDOZA PULL THE ENGINE OUT OF A 5 TON TRUCK AND SWITCH IT w/ ANOTHER ONE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY BUT THE FLY WHEEL SEIZED UP INSIDE THE BELL HOUSING. ITS FINISHED NOW AND THE RUMOR IS WE’RE LEAVING  (OR MOVING) AGAIN TOMORROW.

ITS 10:33 THURSDAY MORNING. YOUR TIME IS 12:32 JUST TURNING THURSDAY.

I ALMOST CRYED WHEN I SAW ELIS PICTURE. I REALLY MISS BOTH OF YOU. LET ME BACK TO BEFORE I GOT DISTRACTED. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEND MAIL BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN MOVING. BUT I GUESS THAT WHATEVER THREAT THERE WAS (IF ANY), ISNT SO THREATFUL ANYMORE, WE CAN START RECEIVING AND SENDING MAIL. NO PHONE TO CALL FROM, AND NO INTERNET TO E-MAIL FROM.

THE WHOLE UNIT IS SCATTERED, SO EVEN IF I GET WHAT YOU NEED IT’LL TAKE FOREVER TO GET IT TO YOU. LET ME PULL THOSE LETTERS BACK OUT. OH WAIT. I DID LAUNDRY AND SOME UNDERWEAR THATS DRY, FELT HARD, OH WELL, WAIT A SECOND, K

I HAD TO FOLD SOME T-SHIRTS. ALL MY SOCKS ARE STILL DAMP. 

YOU CAN USE MY CONTRACT TO SHOW THAT I ENLISTED IN TEXAS AND HOWS THIS

*On a separate sheet my dad wrote a detailed note for my mom to give to someone to confirm that he did want to buy a house. He writes “I AM ALIVE AND WELL.” and “PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PAPER”, then he signed it with his scribble signature, and underneath it wrote his name in print and added “1st SQUADRON 10th CAVALRY HEADQUARTERS TROOP (I have no clue what this means)*

HOW’S THAT? HOPE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY. IM ALMOST READY WITH A DESIGN TO COVER THE OTHER TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM.

I JUST FINISHED LOOKING OVER ALL THOSE LETTERS YOU SENT FOR ME

IM BACK! I GOT SLEEPY SO I TRYED TO LAY DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT. NO SLEEP. I DONT THINK. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WATER TO WASH MY DCV’S AND A PAIR OF BDV’S. BESIDES FOR DRINKING WATER, BUT WE HAVE TO CONSERVE IT.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RUMORS. TOMORROW WE’LL BE LEAVING FOR THE IRAN/IRAQ BORDER TO DO “PEACE KEEPING” FOR 3 TO 6 mths. OTHERS SAY THAT THE 4ID (i think is what this says) GENERAL WANTS TO KEEP US HERE TILL NOV., THATS WHEN 1 CAV WILL COME TO REPLACE US. WHILE OTHERS SAY WE MIGHT LEAVE BY JUNE. NOTHINGS FOR SURE.

SMALLER RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THE SITE ARE; RAMSEY AND SFC BACON ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER. SGT SIREK HAS PLANS TO TAKE NIETO AS HIS APPRENTICE AND PADIWAN LEARNER OF THE DARK SIDE. LITTLE BLACK ARNOLD IS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR SPECIAL FORCES OPERATING UNDER COVER A SURVEILLENCE AS PART OF

*the rest of the page is blank*

IM BACK. TODAY IS THE 27th. I GOT BACK TO THE LITTLE CAMP AREA ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. I LEFT YESTERDAY MORNING TO, WELL, AS PART OF DE-CON (DE-CONTAMINATION) MISSION. HERES THE INFORMATION THAT I GATHERED.

A SITE HAD BEEN FOUND THAT WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND 1-10 WAS APPOINTED TO GO TO THE SITE AND DE-CON THE CIVILIANS THAT WERE GOING TO OPEN THEM. AS IT TURNS OUT THE CIVILIANS HAVE BEEN DE-LAYED AND WOULD BE SET BACK 1 DAY.

THE NBC TEAM THAT I WAS WITH WERENT PREPARED TO STAY OVER NIGHT AND AS FORCASTED BY SSG MINOR WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO STAY 3 TO 4 DAYS. EVERYBODY WAS PISSED.

LATELY ITS BEEN GETTING REALLY COLD AT NIGHT AND WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE NEAR A RUNNING RIVER. SO THE, ITS ABOUT 9 O’CLOCK AND IM BEAT, NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING TO COVER UP WITH AND I DECIDE TO TRY AND SLEEP. I GET AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE AND I GET ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOS. NOW IM PISSED SO I DECIDED TO JUST TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT. ABOUT 10PM ONE OF THE HEMTT (this might just say “hemi”, I don’t know) FUELERS SHOWS UP AND SGT TORRES SAYS HE HAS EVERYBODYS SLEEPING BAG! THE SITES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY AND THEY LEFT SOMETIME MID AFTERNOON TO GET OUR SHIT, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

RIGHT NOW ITS 9:01 PM AND ITS 11:02 AM YOUR TIME. I MISS YOU.

RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO ADDRESS AN ENVELOPE AND HAVE IT READY TO SEND TOMMOROW THE 28th. IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS THAT IM NOT WRITING VERY OFTEN. FOR A WHILE WE COULDN’T. AND NOW THAT IT SEEMS WE MIGHT BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE, THEYVE KEPT ME REALLY BUSY. LET ME ADDRESS THE ENVELOPES (he drew a star here)

ALL DONE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THE HOUSE A LOT TODAY AND YESTERDAY. IM SURE BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, YOU’LL HAVE EITHER GOTTEN IT OR GAVE IT UP. IM O.K. WITH EITHER DECISION YOUVE MADE.

YOUVE KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER, AND THAT MAKES ME PROUD. YOUR SMART, ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY. AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY. I LOVE YOU.

I HOPE THAT OUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE YOU.

I GUESS ILL MAIL THIS TOMORROW, FIRST THING, SO

EVER YOURS

EVER MINE

*my dad signed it with his scribble, and wrote his name under it. under that are hearts and x’s with my mom’s name and then my name under hers.*

[watchmegetobsessed]

Crush // Shawn Mendes mini-series part 2

part 2 wohoooo!! this is honestly such a cute story i love writing it, im currently finishing the last part so i’ll probably update very soon!

part 1

masterlist

The awkwardness soon vanishes. This clear new chapter we just opened with Shawn allows me to loosen up and just enjoy a nice evening. Aaliyah and Eric seems satisfied with the outcome, the parents seem to hit it off quite easily and when we leave they already start making plans for another meetup.

“It was so nice meeting you!” Karen sighs happily as she hugs goodbye to all of us.

“You too, email me that recipe you told me about!” Mom points at her and she nods her head laughing.

I’m just about to step out of the house when Aaliyah grabs my wrist and pulls me back. I look at her with furrowed eyebrows.

“I need your help with a little something. Can you come over sometime tomorrow?” she whispers confidentially.

“Um, yeah. Around what time?” I ask.

“Three pm?”

“Sure,” I smile at her and she lets go of me.

On the way back home I’m thinking about what Aaliyah could need help with and the only thing I have in mind is Eric’s birthday that is on the 29th. She must be planning something special for him.

I call Maddi around midnight when I’m already in my pj’s, but I know she must be still up, maybe even drunk. For my surprise, she answers the phone quite modestly.

“How was the family union?” she asks chewing on something. I throw the cushions off of my bed and crawl under the blanket.

“Um, very interesting,” I chuckle closing my eyes and just shaking my head at the thought of the evening.

“Uh, spill the tea!” She cheers clearly very thirsty for some drama, though this story is not as juicy as she would want it.

“Guess who Aaliyah’s brother is!” I say, but I don’t expect an answer so I just continue. “Shawn Effing Mendes.”

“What?! Are you kidding me?” She gasps. “How did Eric forget to tell you this small detail?”

“Apparently, he thought it doesn’t matter to me, which is kind of true, but there is more.”

“What more? Did he hit on you? Because I’m not talking to you again if he did. He is hot!”

“No, he didn’t, but what you don’t know is that we have history.”

“Okay, now I’m confused!? How do I not know about this?”

“Well, remember my ex, Dylan? I told you about him.”

“Yeah, the asshole who cheated on you,” she hums.

“Well, Dylan and Shawn used to be best buds when we started dating, but the guy hated my guts, or so I thought. He was always mean to me, talking against me and just… avoiding me like the plague.”

“I thought he is the nicest person on earth.”

“He might be now, but when I knew him, he treated me like shit. So it was pretty awkward to see him again after all these years.”

“And how did it go? Was he an ass again?”

“No. He was… nice. Well, we both acted awkward in the beginning, I didn’t know if he would continue his act with me, but he turned out to be nice. And then at one point he told me he is sorry for everything in the past and he was just acting like that because he wanted to amuse Dylan.”

I turn to my side and stare out the window.

“That’s good, right? I mean, he grew out that mean phase and he is all good now.”

“Yeah, it’s just still weird to be around someone I knew from my Dylan phase.”

“But it’s Eric who is dating Aaliyah, why would you be constantly around him?”

“Aaliyah asked me to go over tomorrow, I think she is trying to put a surprise together for Eric’s birthday, so I’m spending the afternoon at the Mendes house.”

“Oh, then keep me updated about the details and sneak me a shirtless photo of Shawn please.”

“Maddi!” I scoff laughing. “Why would I even see him shirtless?”

“Maybe he likes wandering around in his home without clothes on, how would I know?!”

“Unbelievable. I’m going to sleep.”

“Bye bitch,” she sighs making me roll my eyes at her smiling.

“Bye.”

  I sleep late the next day, it’s past noon when I actually make it downstairs looking like a real human being. Eric and Dad are watching a documentary on WW II. while Mom is reading the newspaper at the dining table. I join her with a bowl of cereal.

“Do you have any plans for today?” She smiles at me over her narrow glasses as she turns a page. I lean closer hitting a confidential tone.

“I’m helping Aaliyah today, she asked me to go over around three.”

“Oh, birthday surprise for Eric?” she asks clearly excited.

“I think yeah.”

“Great. And you will probably see Shawn again.” Winking at me she puts the papers down.

“Why does that matter?” I ask with my mouth full. She caresses my cheek before standing up and walking over to the sink for some water.

“Isn’t he a nice young man? I think the two of you would look cute together.”

“Mom, you are literally talking about the biggest pop sensation, he is not really the kind of guy who just casually dates,” I say.

In my mind all these celebrities are living their wildest life. Even if I were interested in Shawn in any way, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even get in the game, he must have thousands of girls waiting for him in line. We are not really on the same page.

“Oh, come on. You guys knew each other in high school, you have a past, that connection must mean something!”

“He was an ass to me!” I blurt it out making her eyebrows raise.

“He was? What did he do?”

“It’s nothing,” I roll my eyes, but Mom gives me a demanding look. “He just didn’t seem to like me no matter what I did, he was avoiding me most of the time when I was with Dylan and also made some pretty rude comments sometimes.”

“Maybe he was into you,” Mom shrugs and I almost choke on the milk.

I start coughing like I’m about to die and my eyes start watering when I’m finally able to breathe evenly again.

“No fucking way!”

“Charlie! Language!” She hisses at me, but there is a smile hiding in her eyes. “You know, young boys tend to do it. They are mean to the girls they like.”

“Mom, it wasn’t in kindergarten, it was ninth grade or something. I think he just really didn’t like me back then and I don’t blame him.” I was annoying, thinking back at it. But hey, all teens are annoying!

“You can never know,” she sighs.

 I totally ignore the theory Mom tried to make me believe, there is absolutely no chance of the nonsense she told me, and this is what I keep telling myself as I’m on my way to the Mendes house.

“Hey!” Aaliyah greets me with a wide smile. She is now wearing some more comfortable clothes than the last two times I saw her, the grey sweats and lose white shirt must be her home wear. “Come in! My parents are out at a friend’s place, and Shawn…” she starts, but just when she is about to finish he appears on the top of the stairs.

“Is here,” he chimes in. I look up and there he is, in a pair of checked pj pants and a black shirt. Looking at it, I think Aaliyah has his shirt on, it seems like the same size.

“Hi,” I smile at him.

“Come, let’s sit.” I follow Aaliyah into the living room and we sit down to the couch next to their Christmas tree. From the corner of my eyes I see Shawn going into the kitchen and for a moment I’m actually disappointed he is not coming with us.

“So. I want to surprise Eric with cooking for him, but I have no idea what. I tried to find out what’s his favorite, but he says it’s his favorite to everything!” she growls frustrated. I shake my head laughing.

“That’s typical.”

“Yeah. So do you have anything in mind?”

“Well, he really like tiramisu. He can eat tons of it, all the time. That’s good for dessert,” I offer. Aaliyah has her phone in her hands and she is typing everything I say down.

“Okay, got it.”

“Um, he likes gazpacho. He thinks it sounds fancy and you know, he likes everything with ketchup, so a soup that tastes like tomato was made for him.”

“Oh yeah, he pours so much ketchup into his sandwiches, it’s crazy,” she rolls her eyes jokingly. “Okay, so gazpacho. Anything else?”

“Um…” I try to think about the times we went to restaurants and Eric got really excited over the food. “Oh, we were once at a place and he ordered grilled mushrooms and he couldn’t stop moaning, it was very embarrassing, but I guess this meant he really liked it.”

“Grilled mushrooms, perfect,” she nods to herself noting everything down. “Do you mind helping me pick out his gift too? I have a few ideas, I want to go into the city and buy it tomorrow, I already looked up some jumpers online, but I can’t really decide.”

“Sure, show me!”

We spend the next thirty minutes scrolling through everything she had saved as a possible gift. She found some really nice ones, her taste is fantastic. As the time is passing I’m starting to feel like I’m with a friend and not with my brother’s girlfriend and I’m just hoping Eric will keep her around for a long time.

She asks me to stay a little bit longer so she can show me the awkward photos she has taken of Erik since they’ve been dating, but she gets a call and excuses herself quickly. I stay there in the living room, looking around a bit, I haven’t really had the chance yesterday, I was too occupied with the situation.

Shawn walks in, this time he has a headband on, keeping his locks back from his face.

Damn, Maddi is right. He is hot.

I shake my head at the thoughts and try to look as casual as possible.

“How is the birthday planning going?” he asks plopping down on the couch next to me.

“Good, Aaliyah basically had everything right, I just had to choose the best options.”

“How crazy is that our younger siblings are dating? I mean, I was thinking about it yesterday, the last time I saw Eric, he was about twelve or something. No wonder why I didn’t recognize him when I met him,” he chuckles and I nod agreeing. Aaliyah changed a lot in the past years too.

“Yeah. Strange that they are not babies anymore. I mean, I’m still mad that Eric is taller than me.”

“Oh I remember how you always wanted to get taller!”

“You remember?” I ask surprised. I used to never stop talking about my height, later I accepted my fate.

“Yeah, I remember once you told Dylan how you want to wear the highest heels to the dance so you two can be the same height.”

I laugh at the memory. I remember it too, it was quite early in our relationship and Dylan asked me out for the Halloween dance. I wanted to look taller and told Dylan I would wear heels. Of course, I ditched the plan as I found out how uncomfortable they are and ended up wearing my Converse.

“And at the end I looked like a punk princess with my Converse and mini skirt,” I scoff at the thought of my outfit for that night.

“I think you looked pretty,” Shawn says and I look at him. I catch his small smile before he shakes his head clearing his throat. What the Hell? “High school feels so far away, right?” he quickly says.

“Um, well for you I guess, for me… not really,” I chuckle shaking my head. “Your life got turned upside down, but not much has happened to me since then.”

“What? I don’t believe you. I’m sure you’ve been having plenty of fun. Parties, dates and everything.”

I can’t help, a sad smile plasters across my face. He can’t be more wrong.

“Not really… I had some rough years after Dylan and I split.”

“Can I ask what happened? I mean, after the split,” he shyly asks.

“Well, since I was a dumb naïve little girl, I needed an entire year before I could even think about getting to know other guys. Now it all just seems like the biggest bullshit. I shouldn’t have cared that much. And I’m not a fan of partying, I only go out on birthdays and maybe New Year’s Eve,” I shrug. Maddi has been trying to boost me up a bit, she attempts to drag me out every month or so, but I’m really not that kind of type. I thought I was, when I was with Dylan, he was a popular guy, I kept going to these lame parties with him in the last year of our relationship, but I never really enjoyed them. Shawn was long gone by then.

“I’m sorry Dylan played you so bad.”

“It’s fine, I mean, not your fault,” I chuckle. “But what happened to you and him?”

He sighs scratching the back of his neck.

“Not sure, I guess we grew apart and I realized that he is an ass. When I became a private student we kept in touch, but I met new people and I saw how different a friendship can be, so… I cut him off, I guess.”

“Did you guys fight?”

“Not really,” he shakes his head. “Well, we had one last very awkward phone call when I was in Atlanta, if I remember right. It was forced and… just awkward, really,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“And your life has been better since Dylan is out of it, right?” I grin at him.

“Yeah, you must know about it.”

I laugh nodding. I know everything about it!

Before I could even think about what I’m saying, my mouth just opens and the words roll down.

“The only good thing I got from my relationship with Dylan is that I know you now.”

My eyes widen and I wish I could take it back.

“I- uh I mean…”

I don’t even know why I’m so nervous suddenly, I didn’t even tell much. But for some reason, I can feel myself blushing.

“I meant that he basically ruined my senior year and I needed so much time to get myself over him, but at least now we can talk like, normal people,” I quickly add somehow saving the situation.

“What do you mean he ruined your senior year?” he asks with furrowed eyebrows and I’m happy he didn’t get caught up on what I said before that.

“Well, he successfully made me push all my friends away, leaving me totally alone when we broke up.”

“Wait, what? How about that friend of yours, um… I don’t remember her name, you always sat together at lunch.”

“Rochelle. Oh Dylan played us dirty. He told me Rochelle keeps hitting on him and being my dumb naïve self I believed him and not her. We had this huge fight and I called her a bitch. No wonder why she didn’t care about me when I was alone in the last couple of months of senior year.”

“Ouch, that sounds horrible. I’m sorry he did that.”

“Why did we even like Dylan in the first place?” I ask laughing to myself. It still bothers me how blind I was, I wish I could just shake myself.

“I have no idea!” He sighs rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry your senior year got fucked up, I wish I could be there to have lunch with you.”

I turn to him and swear to God he is blushing! And it is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I feel the urge to touch him, anywhere, to take his hand in mine, but I stop myself.

“That’s… nice. Thank you,” I whisper touched.

As I’m staring at him I realize this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to him. I wonder how many girls want to be in my position, they see the popstar, the heartthrob from the stage, while all I see is the guy who used to be mean to me in high school but now we are friendlier than ever. I could never see him as a celebrity.

“Okay, so I found some- Oh am I bothering?” Aaliyah walks into the room with her phone in her hands and she is giving me a knowing look. I quickly clear my throat turning away from Shawn.

“No, you girls just… do your thing. I have to make a few calls.”

Shawn jumps up from the couch patting his sister’s shoulder before walking out of the room. Aaliyah takes his place, still grinning.

“What?” I ask her playing dumb.

“You guys… I felt the sparkle,” she says wiggling her eyebrows.

“What sparkle? Aaliyah, you see everything in pink because of my brother.”

“Oh stop, don’t tell me you don’t like him.”

“I don’t know him,” I say truthfully. “The last time I saw him I was dating a douche and he was also being a douche to me. I can’t tell if I like him, because I don’t know his new self.”

“But you seem to get along with him pretty well and I’m sure you are attracted to him.”

“I’m not talking about this with you, you are his sister!” I gasp feeling myself blushing again.

“Whatever. But I think you two would look cute together.”

I refuse to carry on with the conversation about me and Shawn and Aaliyah fortunately doesn’t force it on me. I leave the Mendes house around five, Aaliyah thanks me the help and I can’t help but feel disappointed I don’t see Shawn anywhere when I’m leaving. Aaliyah’s speech about me and Shawn is slowly getting to me.

By dinner, all my thoughts are racing around him and soon I find myself stalking his social media profiles. I knew he is very famous, but seeing the numbers on his pages makes me gasp. Millions of people are following him, waiting for him to post anything. The last photo he uploaded to his Instagram is with his family, Karen and Manny are smiling proudly into the camera while Shawn and Aaliyah are messing around next to them. Before I could realize what I’m doing I double tap the picture liking it.

“Oh shit,” I suck my breath in. I hesitate, but then I realize how dumb this is. He must be getting millions of notes every minute, he won’t see this.

Gaining some confidence from this, I decide to follow him and continue my stalking session. I’m a few months deep into his profile when I get a notification. Opening the tab my eyes widen.

shawnmendes followed charlieprkr

I guess I was wrong about the notification getting lost. A moment later I see that he has liked two of my photos.

One was taken on a family vacation. Eric and I are posing at the beach, I have a red swimsuit on and the wind is blowing my wavy blonde hair that was so much lighter back than from all the sunshine. The other one is a picture Maddie took of me last month. I’m sitting in our armchair with a mug of tea in my hands, smiling shyly at the camera. We had Christmas lights in the window and the lights made me look colorful in the photo.

I’m just about to put the phone down and go to bed when I get a dm. I’m not surprised to see Shawn’s username, but I definitely get excited.

shawnmendes I’m happy I’m not the first one to accidentally like your photo, though I was minutes away from that haha

I smile at the message rolling my eyes.

charlieprkr Ha. Ha. I was hoping I can easily hide in the millions of your followers.

shawnmendes You could have, if only I weren’t stalking your profile as well. Fate?

charlieprkr I guess.

My fingers linger across the keyboard, trying to think of something else to write and keep the conversation up, but nothing comes to my mind. I almost give up when I get another message from him.

shawnmendes I’m in a nostalgic mood, I want to have a walk in the neighborhood, around our school tomorrow. Would you like to join me?

My smile grows wider than ever reading his lines.

charlieprkr Totally.

shawnmendes Great! Sometime around 4 pm?

charlieprkr Perfect. Where?

shawnmendes I’ll meet you at your house and we’ll go from there.

charlieprkr Then see you tomorrow!

shawnmendes Yeah, good night Charlie.

[queerbloodyangel]

Hi! I haven’t seen the magicians and probably won’t but I’m interested in the drama/what’s going on?

oof sorry this has taken me so long anon, i havent been home much today and am just now getting time to sit down! i hope you don’t mind that i’m writing out a long thing, because quite a few people have asked me about it and tbh i just want to get it all down :)

so, little bit of backstory here: quentin coldwater is the main character of the magicians. the first episode of the show has him being released from a mental facility after he had checked himself in because he was “getting bad again”. after the doctor expressed concern for his well-being and said she wasnt sure he should be checking himself out so soon. he told her the only way she could stop him was if he said he had any plans of hurting others or himself, which, he didnt.

throughout the course of the show, the writers did an amazing job of showing quentin actually dealing with and talking about his depression. we saw him at his highs, and we saw him at his lows, and for a lot of people who have never seen depression depicted in such a real and non-romanticized way onscreen, it was revolutionary. i mean, it still is, some of the discussions he had with his friends about it were so fucking real that they had me in tears because yeah thats it.

anyway, along with that, quentin also was proven to be sexually fluid first in season 1 by having a threesome with two of his best friends margo and eliot. he also dated a woman (alice) for a while, though that relationship went up in spectacular flames lmao

in season 3, quentin and eliot get stuck in an alternate timeline together for 50 years. during that time quentin met a woman and had a child with her, but shortly after she died, and quentin and eliot raised the kid together, and stayed together until eliot died. time got reversed then, but because Magic, they both remembered what happened shortly after, in a quiet scene with just the two of them, because the taste of ‘peaches and plums’ reminded them, because they had lived near a peach and plum orchard in the alternate timeline. nothing more was said about it after that, though quentin and eliot remained extremely affectionate with each other.

at the end of season 3, and going into season 4, eliot gets possessed by a monster thats more powerful than any of the gods on the show, and completely unkillable. the monster also has an incredibly childlike mentality, so at one point quentin asks it if eliot’s still alive, and the monster says no. since up until that point the monster has been truthful to a fault, quentin believes it. 

episode 5 happens, and quentin and his ex, alice, are figuring out a way to kill the monster. during this period of time, quentin makes it very clear to alice that he has absolutely no desire to get back together with her, and with all of the shit going on with the monster/eliot, he doesnt even have the space to even think about them. meanwhile, eliots trapped inside his own mind, going through all of his worst memories trying to figure out a way to get out long enough to tell his friends that he is alive, and needs help. he goes through a ton of bad memories, including ones about his childhood growing up in a homophobic small town in indiana, ones involving betraying his friends, and basically anything else he can come up with. 

he realizes eventually what his worst memory is, and we go back to the scene from season 3 where he and quentin remember the alternate timeline. quentin asks eliot if they can give them a shot, because ‘we work. 50 years, who gets proof of concept like that?’ and memory!eliot turns him down. the real eliot apologizes to memory!quentin, kisses him, and he’s able to take control of his body long enough to tell quentin (eliot: 50 years, who gets proof of concept like that?

quentin: what?

eliot: peaches and plums, motherfucker, i’m alive in here)

quentin then jumps in front of eliot so alice’s attempt to kill his body misses, and the monster comes back. 

from that point on, quentin’s sole focus is getting eliot back. he sleeps once on screen, for a total of 15 minutes. he’s jumpy, on edge, exhausted, and clearly spiraling as it becomes more and more apparent there might not be a way for him to save eliot. up until episode 10, not a scene goes by without quentin reiterating that they have to save eliot, no matter what.

episodes 11 & 12 happen, and (if memory serves me correctly) quentin says eliots name once, maybe twice. he gets back with alice, and suddenly, is no longer spiraling (????) its as if eliot doesnt even exist.

episode 13 happens, they manage to get the monster out of eliot, and quentin doesn’t even spare a glance towards eliot, who’s lying on the ground bleeding out and need to be rushed to the hospital. quentin and alice have found a way to trap the monster in a rip in the universe, and take off to do that. things happen that make 0 sense, and winds up jumping into this rip in the universe along with the monster, and dies.

after his death, he winds up in the underworld, talking to someone, where he asks, “did i do that to save my friends, or did i finally find a way to kill myself?”

the person takes him back to earth, so quentin can watch his friends mourn him. instead of letting his friends actually talk about him, the writers had them sing a song as they threw their mementos of quentin into a fire, and that?? somehow shows quentin that his death was okay.

the writers (sera gamble and john mcnamara) are acting like they deserve an award or something because they killed off the ‘white male lead’, which, apparently is progressive or something. as if tv show writers haven’t been killing off mentally ill, queer characters for decades already. 

the writers didn’t tell the rest of the cast what was happening, until two days before the finale aired. the actor who played quentin (jason ralph) was under a gag order for a year, and they filmed a dummy scene at the end that had the gang realizing there was a way for quentin to be saved.

the actor who played eliot (hale appleman), an openly queer man, spent the last several weeks reassuring fans over and over that quentin and eliot’s story wasn’t over, to have faith, only to find out that he’d unwillingly been a part in this whole fiasco.

they killed off the character that honestly, probably 90% of the fanbase saw themselves in, and had latched onto with their whole hearts because of that. for a lot of us, it felt like watching a bit of ourselves die, and along with it, a love story that deserved to be told, that a lot of us believed would be told. i, personally have watched so many shows where the writers absolutely refused to make the ‘popular gay ship’ canon, and have even been part of fanbases that have been mocked for it. but this just. this shit is on a different level and i dont know what to even call it except for some bizarre take on queerbaiting that’s somehow 10000000x worse than that word can even describe.

again, i’m sorry this is so godawful long but i’m truly devastated over losing quentin coldwater. queer people deserve better, mentally ill people deserve better, and god fucking damn it so do i.

[beyainica-blog]

Weight on 2/3/19

I am 105.2kg or 231.9lbs

So much to say. Honestly it’s therapeutic to write these posts and having accountability its also nerve wracking and time consuming. I feel pressured too. I know not that many or anyone at all is really paying attention to me but it just feels overwhelming. But I will be able to look back at this and hopefully be proud

Weight

Honestly I’m just as shocked as anyone who might stumble on this weight loss journey. I don’t know why I’m losing 2-4lbs a day on this liquid diet. At first I was like oh, I have pneumonia, I’m taking phentermine and its a liquid diet I expect to lose alot of weight. Especially the first week thats typical. But I have been doing the liquid diet for over a week. I’m not “sick” anymore I might still be fighting off the infection (probably why I sweat so much I’ll get into that later) so I don’t get it. I feel like my scale is wrong, but we’ll see at the doctors office. My scale was 1lb off so it was pretty accurate. I just feel like my eyes are decieving me. On my water fast. I lost weight much slower. Granted I didn’t move around at all. Didn’t drink that much water. But now I don’t drink that much liquid. In fact I was less than sedentary so I wouldn’t faint I was pretty weak. On the liquid diet I’m still weak but not as much because of the sugars in powerade or whatever I’m drinking. I move around ALOT in comparison. I didn’t have a job during my water fast and I wasn’t very active except for school. And I only had ONE class. I have a job that I move around alot AND I workout every morning even though I don’t eat anything. I know being at such a high weight I will lose quickly but I didn’t think it would be THIS quick. If this is true of course I’m fucking happy this is exactly what I wanted. But its just too good to be true and I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t want to jinx it. If this is true I want this to continue until I get to 170. I’ll be the happiest girl in the fucking world. I think its true though. Even if the scale is wrong its still super motivating to see the scale move and thats whats keeping me going

Body.

Honestly I can kind of see the weight loss. My pants are looser. My boobs are reducing. My stomach is SLOWLY but surely reducing. My legs look leaner. My arms are kind of reducing too. I feel like I really am losing this weight. But again we shall see at the doctors office coming soon. In about 19-20 days

Phentermine

I stopped taking phentermine. Why? Well because I have anxiety already. My heart rate is already elevated. I also am fat with high cholesteral so my heart is even more elevated. At rest my pulse is 80 thats a bit high for someone my age. The amount of caffiene in there is just too much for me right now. I was fearful of what could happen to me if I kept taking it. I’m all about doing ANYTHING to lose weight but I don’t want to die. Does phentermine work? Um YES. It doesn’t inherently cause weight loss I have been losing the same if not more being off it. It helps you not feel hunger pains or hunger. Off it I have to deal with hunger which is way better than potentially getting a stroke. Maybe I will get the pill cutters and just take half. I’m waiting to get to 200lbs or 199lbs to try it again. Yes I intend to still take it and on my next visit I am getting more. Why? Because it had helped me so far. It does work. Its my own fault I cannot take them. I intend to get the 3 month supply and store it for anytime I binge in the future. My heart rate has a direct correlelation to my weight if my weight reduces so will my heart rate and obviously everything else. 230 I remember having issues with bp thats what I weighed at the end of the semester in college. I know that because I donated plasma and sometimes turned away because of how high my heart rate was. So if I lose another 30lbs I should be fine. Though I still will start with half. See how it goes. Yeah phentermine was making my workouts difficult. I felt like my heart was going to pop out my chest. Anxiety, caffiene and exercise is not a good combination. Now I don’t struggle with my workouts since I stopped taking it.

Weight Reality

I havent properly gushed about my weight loss so far. I can’t believe I got here. I use to stay at the same 252 or shoot back up to 268 and stay there. Now I’m ALMOST IN THE FUCKING 220’s. Literally 2lbs away. And Valentines day is 10 days away. I will hit my first goal weight in a week. Which technically was my valentines weight goal intially but I feel like I will be less by then. 220’s then the 210’s before you know it I will be 200 and THEN I WILL TASTE THE 100’s I cannot weight to be out the 200’s I never want to see it again. EVER. Ugh can it come quicker. (I mean its already coming pretty quick lmao) I’m just impatient. My goal since its monday 2/4/19 is to lose 5kg in the next 5 days. I want to be 100kg by the time I get to work. 100kg exactly is 220lbs omg. Thats 11lbs in 5 days. With the way my weight loss has been going I really feel like I can do it fly by the 230’s quickly. If I dont binge. Speaking of that

Cravings/Binge

I am fighting a potential binge

EVERY FUCKING TIME I GET ON THE VERGE OF A NEW WEIGHT (232,242,252) EVERY FUCKING TIME I AM ABOUT TO GET INTO A NEW WEIGHT RANGE I WANT TO BINGE. I have said this before and I will REPEAT it until I get to my goal weight.

I want CHICKEN. Omg I fucking love fried chicken so much its not fucking fair. Ugh TENDERS AND WHITE GRAVY. I want a family pack and fries. I want to dip and eat all day. SUCH A DISGUSTING FAT FANTASY but I can’t help it. I really want RAMEN. Chicken flavored obviously but spicy too. Ugh. I want to try the new flaming hot doritos. I WANT CARAMEL CHOCOLATES. I fucking want subway lol why. I want egg and sausage burritos. I want PAPA JOHNS EXTRA LARGE PIZZA with extra cheese bacon, ham, pepperoni.

I want ALL of this in one day. Now you see why I had continous binge cycles. Because I wanted all my cravings satisfied. Thats alot of food even for a fat ass like me. It could take me days to eat all of that. And thats just today as feburary passes I will just get more cravings with new foods.

Here is why I’m not going to give in. Because I know it won’t be just one day binge. I know I will gain weight. I am so close to my first goal weight. I am treated better the more weight I lose. I will deter my cam girl job, I wont move out as quick.

I lost my train of thought. Anyway I’m waiting for my calculated and planned binge. Knowing I will have these foods again is comforting it just feels like forever you know. I only get my binge if I reach 194-193 or lower. 199-195 isn’t enough. The goal is to GET OUT the 200’s and stay there. If I binge at 199 I will go back to 200. If I binge at 193 the most I will gain is 4lbs at most send me back to 197 which is very close to 200, but not 200!

Weightloss Goals & Plans

I want to be 220lbs or 100kg before I get back to work this friday. The 8th thats 4-5 days away. The mini goal is 5kg in 5 days but also. Lets go ahead and do 7kg in 7 days. I want to be 97-98kg by Sunday-Monday.

If I’m 220 by this friday. I should be 210 by valentines day. Which is next thursday.

Honestly I just really want to get to size 9 so I can go ahead buy these good fashion nova jeans and fit into size 9 pants my work jeans are getting to big. Like I’m not even saying it proudly its fucking annoying. I’m not buying anything thats not a size 9 I will keep wearing big ass pants and think nothing of it period.

What else?

So much but let me seperate it

I think thats it. I got alot more to get off my chest this is just the weightloss portion.

The liquid diet is meh. I miss eating. I DONT MISS exercising everything off only to lose half a pound. I do enjoy the fast weightloss. I like powerade so its whatever. I dont have a choice being this fat you do what you can. I might switch it up once I hit the 180’s which is 40lbs away.

[subdivisi0ns]

tagged by the lovely @britneyshakespeare to answer these 10 questions & come up with 10 of my own. thank you !! 💗

psa i wrote way too much please don’t read this. just skip to the questions at the end if i tagged you

1. What are 3 songs that mean something to you, and what do they mean?

that’s hard because i don’t usually find personal meanings in songs. i’m a lot more interested in what the song means to the artist who wrote it. but let’s see if i can think of some

-um. after all by david bowie was always Highly Relatable. like. prattling on & on waxing philosophical only to suddenly realize everything i said is wrong and don’t hate me and also now i’m having an existential crisis and i shouldn’t have started talking in the first place? M e

-when i was first getting into rush i was a big fan of Self Isolating To Cope and also i had no friends and was proud of it (bc if i couldn’t find a way to take pride in my [perceivedly] unchangeable flaws my entire self image would come crashing to the ground and that just wasn’t a good time . anyway). so the lines “nothing can survive in a vacuum / no one can exist all alone” from turn the page pissed me off. but now! now i have loads of friends and i feel legitimately cared about and i feel like i can comfortably reciprocate that and now when i hear that song i think you know what neil? you’re goddamn right.

-uh i s’pose i relate to another brick in the wall pt 3 which is not a good thing but. i dunno i really love being angrily in denial of needing any help whatsoever along to this song. it’s my flaw-pride anthem (don’t worry i don’t take it literally. it’s just fun in the moment)

-shit i know this said three but the one person who i relate to EVERY FUCKING SONG he’s ever put out is bill wurtz. never have i felt so understood than when i listen to bill wurtz’s music. god it’s the most uncanny feeling, i really really understand it a lot

ok i have to stop thinking of more . turns out a lot have meaning to me ive spent like an hour on this question alone Moving On

2. What’s your ideal self like?

. this was The Worst question to ask me because i can and will ramble on for hours given the opportunity

well i’d be able to execute my ideas, for one. instead of just having a half-baked - quarter-baked - fleeting concept with no real idea of how to achieve it. more specifically i want to be able to write songs. more more specifically i want to be able to write the music aspect of songs. i can’t do it. i dont fuckin know why i just can’t. but if i could i think i just might be content with life.

but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still things to improve. i wish i was funnier. i like my weird brand of humor/abstractity online but that’s hard to replicate in real life. i wish i was better at thinking on the spot. i wish my memory didn’t only retain stuff when it feels like it. i wish i was better at putting my thoughts into words, more concisely and accurately and effectively.

um i wish i didnt have executive function issues. like i wanna just do stuff and not have it take all the energy out of me. wish i had the energy to do it to begin with. wish i could keep up with socializing and not ignore people for hours/days because i can’t get myself to maintain conversation.

ok clearly this is leading down an endless tunnel of what i’d change so . i’ll just say my ideal self is a successful musician with a good social life but also an element of mystery and intrigue. my ideal self is just david bowie

3. Who, of all your family members (immediate or extended), do you think has had the most influence on you, for better or for worse?

my mom for a lot (a looooooot) of reasons but if i go into it this is gonna push it over the line from a tag game into a therapy session (if i havent crossed that line already)

4. What’s your main outlet of expression?

writing. journalling. fuckin , social media. actually yeah that more than anything. my Self is on display here if you look at my tumblr(s) my twitter(s) and my instagram(s) you’ve got a pretty goddamn decent picture of who i am

5. What was the first album you ever bought for yourself?

uh i mean i listen to most stuff off of youtube if i don’t already have it so like,,? i dunno. does itunes count? the first vinyl i ever got was wish you were here (for forty fuckin bucks god) but i paid with my aunt’s money so does that even count. i don’t know.

6. Do you like to go shopping?

depends on a lot of things. lately i’ve been in the mood to just get out of the damn house whenever possible (love being a high school dropout !) so the answer is pretty much yes anytime. but it really depends.

7. Kind of cliche but, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would you pick?

i wanna be the fourth person at the dinner with rush table. just to observe. i’d be terrified to actually have a conversation with any of my idols. okay but if i had to get over that fear i guess i’d pick..... bowie? todd? i don’t know this is hard. alex lifeson circa 197something so he can take me back to his place afterwards you pickin up what im puttin down

8. What TV show do you watch when you’re feeling stressed or low and you need a quick feel-better fix?

i don’t watch tv like ever not even in this case but i guess full house

9. What was the last intriguing conversation you had about?

everything my girlfriend said to me today (edit: yesterday but i did this last night) was great everything my girlfriend’s ever said to me was great

oh that didn’t answer the question at all i just realized. uh they were telling me about the star wars prequels (which i have not seen) and earlier we were having a very analytical conversation about a particularly interesting rush photo

also me & @swanky-trash were discussing our plans to take down trump and all the rest of those bastards while wearing jareth from labyrinth costumes and eating mushrooms. because it’s our destiny as clones separated at birth. yknow just life stuff

10. What’s something about yourself that you don’t think comes across as painfully obvious online, but is, in fact, in person?

shit are we at the end already? damn. i was enjoying this (can you tell).

okay here’s another one i could go on for 12 years about. but uh. i probably come across as way more perky irl? like my voice is all high pitched and i talk really fast and smile and laugh at everything and i have a whatever the opposite of monotone is voice. i don’t like that. i try to combat it online with the all-lowercase typing and shortening of words and omission of punctuation and that sort of thing. i think it’s worked. also i may be terrible at typing but i am WAY worse at speaking. i’m scatterbrained as hell and if i seem at all interesting or witty online that all goes to shit irl. also i can’t fucking talk to people who i only know in person? it just doesn’t work. thank god i have you guys

haaaa okay sorry for the rambling here are the questions

1. what’s the best day/one of the best days you’ve ever had?

2. how important is your social media presence to you?

3. what achievement are you proudest of?

4. describe your sense of humor.

5. is there anything you’re good at or like to do that people who don’t know you well probably wouldn’t expect?

6. what’s your most interesting family story?

7. favorite color palette?

8. what’s something that would be very “out of character” for you to do?

9. yknow that thing on twitter that’s like “pick 1 & rt for good luck” and the options are good grades, meet your idol, money, or crush texts you? which one would/did you pick and why?

10. what’s a song you either wish you’d written or feel like you could’ve written?

i tag @thetemplesofrush @thumbnailoak3 @swanky-trash @lavender-layne @realalexlifeson @davies-jones @goallines-and-musicrhymes @fruitthemed @graveyarding @cosmikdebris99 and anyone else who wants to do it and dont feel pressured to do it etc etc god i hope none of you actually read this whole thing i am so sorry

[unproduciblesmackdown]

there was an ask list but instead of reblogging it im just doing the thing where i answer it all and put it here under a readmore

what mythical creature do you wish actually existed? idk i like griffins but i feel like thats boring b/c they dont like have any Powers...

soundcloud or vinyls? i dont rly use either lol

what book does everyone right now need to read? whatever they want i have no huge recs. i like the ashbury high / brookfield series & thats kinda unknown but thats it

do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets? its not much of a thrill...i guess im neutral but it has to fit me for starters

what was the best thing that happened to you this month? i donno. watched some stuff, had ppl compliment me

what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? i periodically tell myself to care less about various shit

would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests? i guess the sky....clouds are nice. the ocean is full of heinous shit and the abyss. the forest can be kinda iffy too and also cut down

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? i havent kissed anybody romantically* so its not really an issue for me

do you plan your outfits? rarely

how do you feel right now? eh theres the usual undercurrents of misery and frustration but that’s just bg noise most of the time. im alright i suppose

what’s the last dream you remember having? well i was having trouble driving, which is a frequent dream, because it was a bus, which is an unusual detail. i think we were trying to take a roadtrip to a beach in another country, which is a thing that happens in my dreams lately. but then i suddenly found out i was in a play that was in like rehearsal/performance stages already, which is also common. my role was to act like i was real gay for some other guy character. i was like lol no prob

what are you craving right now? im usually a bit hungry i guess

turn ons/offs? i like people who can go along with a joke i suppose and who seem interested in other people and what they have to say. too many things repel me from other ppl to list

when was the last time you cried? why? i’ll cry super easily if im just imagining some sad concept

did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? there’s some contenders there smh...but no

do you bite or lick your ice cream? lick....

favorite movie ever? i dont have one

do you like yourself? yeah im alright enough

have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity? not like an a-lister no

how many countries have you visited? just the one ive always been in

have you ever been in a castle? no

what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done? i dont think anything too special. got in front of a car w someone but it was moving slow. proceeded w my stage entrance anyways even when a curtain cue got effed up & led the Improvisation of working around it, but that was dance so nobody had any lines to change

what’s on your mind right now? hoping it tstorms really dramatically later

what’s your zodiac sign? gay

name 5 facts about yourself. my eyes are blue, my pupils dont dilate evenly coz one is a bit less dilatable, im horribly nearsighted, i can cross one eye, i have sort of a unibrow

do you believe in karma? i dont believe in not karma

ever been in love? not romantically*

whom do you admire and why? a lot of activists, im interested in activism and volunteering but have rarely been able to actually be involved in things

what was your favorite bedtime story as a child? man i dont remember having bedtime stories, i dont think i did that much after learning to read myself. i read “pat the bunny” a lot for my little brother, that one was his fave

did you make someone laugh today? i dont think so

do you believe in ghosts? ive always liked hearing about ghost shit, i am not inclined to think that everyone who says theyve had Ghost Encounters is lying, i know ppl personally who have stories who i dont think are lying and it would be presumptuous to say like “well but they probably didnt REALLY x y or z,” and yet still i am always skeptical abt the whole thing. i am agnostic abt everything ever re afterlife stuff, but again—if we’re in a horror movie haunted house situation and shits going down, im going to assume ghosts and everything ive heard about them is true and act accordingly until we’re out of there, Greg The Adamant Disbeliever can have fun dying. and catch me not messing around w ouija boards or any of that shit either...im good.

if you could go back in time which time period would you visit? visit....damn i dunno.

would you want to live forever? why/why not? i mean if other ppl are doing it to then it might be fine. but like me specifically as things are now living forever, im not much interested. someone else can have my immortality

what makes you sad? shit like, life man

was today typical? why/why not? yeah i didnt do anything interesting

who do you trust the most? i dont particularly distrust anyone but i dont really have anything i’d need to trust anyone over

what did you have for breakfast today? i didnt

do you have any regrets looking back in your life? not really

what’s your favorite fictional universe? i dont have one

favorite tv show? i dont have one

share a favorite quote. i have some but i’ll never be able to think of one on the spot

what does your ideal day look like? ahh idk. doing something fun while being around other people

do you have any hobbies? i guess drawing / writing count. theres other things but i dont do them regularly / recently

share a small random book passage that means something to you. dont have one

what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared? theres not really anything like that

do you usually date people your age or older/younger? neither

who means the world to you? why? any cat ive ever met b/c theyre angels

best books you’ve ever read? i guess i can plug the ashbury/brookfield books again

who is your favorite cartoon character? i gotta say lars dont i

coffee or tea? tea

would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved? loved but like by multiple ppl right? gimme that magnitude in Widely rather than Intensely

are you a dog or a cat person? i feel like only dog ppl consider this to be a real Binary

what is your biggest addiction? biting my lip endlessly lol

do you ever think about the galaxy? sure

what’s your favorite color? blue

do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not? nah...my sibs and i are like friendly acquaintances i guess. thatll be an abusive household i guess

are you a morning or a night person? night

have you ever dealt with a mental illness? I Guess

how would your friends describe you? uhhhh people say im funny sometimes

do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert? bit of both

what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do? i dont think i have any secrets there

describe yourself in 3 words. extremes, thoughtful, Gay

best memory as a child? idk i always liked swimming and going to pools / waterparks

what is your eye and hair color? blue / brown, respectively.

do you like crystals? theyre cool

if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? imperialism banned

what’s your hogwarts house? idk slytherin hufflepuff or smthing

biggest pet peeve? theres many..

would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet? well first i need the mythical best friend group but also can we be doing something more fun than a cocktail party

share a secret. I’ve Pooped Outside

would you rather live longer or happier? this might only be a difficult choice if it was live shorter or happier

who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why? nobody coz idk

do you wear glasses? yes

forest or river? forest

do you like exercise? its alright i dont like just straightup running though

do you like poetry? it depends on who the poet is. cishet white dudes shouldnt be allowed, for starters

any special talent that you have? i’m good at telling if lines are parallel lol

[evenaworm-moved]

literally a summary of my entire campaign (or all i can be bothered to write right now)

@ghostofghostspast so you wanted to hear about my campaign

warning for a bunch of rambling, plot holes, and in general a big unstructured mess as this story is still very early in development and i havent quite figured out how everything goes together yet (and multiple people dont even have names) s o

also theres like. a lot there. i typed a lot. its basically the entire plot of the whole campaign which is: a lot. like i keep going back to update this part as i get further in writing it and im at 2k words right now- yeah okay back here after finishing (for today) and we got 3k+ words down here.

also, warning for gory and gruesome stuffs!

here we go!

the story and first arc, in a very original decision, starts out in a bar with the party members. the bar has a stage with a microphone at one side, and after a little while, a halfling women wearing a long black dress and an intricate heart locket steps up. also, killer heels. 

rather than singing, she pulls out a violin and begins to play. its.. gorgeous music, shes incredibly talented, and with every string her bow crosses over it just feels like you're getting pulled into a universe this song is creating. its almost... enchanting.

surprise you fuckers shes a bard and shes casting (a modified for plot purposes and kind of op version of) sleep. the players will get to make a constitution saving throw, to see if they get to stay awake or not. regardless of what happens to them, the entire rest of the bar falls asleep.

if they manage to stay awake, they can interact with her- enter initiative or talk or whatever, i dont know who these players will be and they could very well do something bizarre and unexpected. she’s going to attempt to rob the bar while the people sleep- if all three members of the party fail their saving throws then they’ll just sleep and awake to find the entire bar groggily rising and most of the money in the room  gone, along with the mysterious violinist.

throughout all of this the woman hadn’t said a word. if they stay awake and say catch her, and get into some sort of conversation, she will talk- but only telepathically.

no matter what happens, she will escape before the rest of the bar wakes up (unless the party pulls some really wild shit). depending on what happens the party may even end up leaving with her- if they don’t, the bar owner will ask them to track her down, as she just stole basically all the valuables in this bar she could get her hands on in the few minutes everyone was asleep.

one way or another they’ll find her- playing violin at a sort of.. community of thieves, having a get together. like a big potluck almost with a bunch of theives from different guilds and groups hanging out. getting there will involve fun side quests and fights, with more or less two slightly different routes: they’ll either be travelling alongside the bard (who’s name is Lealynn, for the record), or travelling alone, attempting to track her down to take her back to the bar and probably get paid.

once they’re at the gathering, they’ll meet a few different npcs- zaaki, a young dwarf boy looking for his dads. plural- there are seven of them and none of them are actually his dad he was just kind of adopted by all of them at once when he joined their guild of sorts at a very young age. or, more he was just taken in, as they all found him abandoned when he was like, 2. with some weird mishaps, they discovered zaaki to be a very powerful sorcerer that just needed some training. however, after several years bad things(tm) happened and zaaki has found himself seperated from all of them. zaaki and lealynn are the only ones here that have prominent roles, but they can talk to/possibly fight depending on what happens other minor people.

preferably they will not just attempt to fight everyone but also they might. if they have gotten here with lealynn, there most likely wont be any fighting at all, unless they just fuck shit up. lealynn will introduce them to the people around, and then probably leave them with zaaki to go play her violin for the rest of the people gathered here (normal music this time, no more disguised spells). if they came here on their own, lealynn will already be playing and they’ll have to figure out how to get in by theirselves. stuff’ll happen! i really cant tell what these currently nonexistent players will end up doing, but i will be making sure they dont fuckin kill off zaaki and lealynn, because we need those two for the plot gosh darn it. another possible way of them meeting zaaki would be, once they’re in, him just going up to them with a poster with seven dudes on it and going “hello have you seen my dads?”

eventually things will happen (wow!) and they'll discover that lealynn doesnt usually steal, as shes actually a very successful violinist and typically makes plenty enough money to keep herself living fine. however, one day she had met zaaki (whos like 8 at present time) and discovered his situation. his current next step in trying to find his dads was to go to a very popular arena, a place some of his dads used to like and go see fights at. the issue was zaaki only knows simple pit pocketing, and tickets are very expensive. lealynn agreed to help him get the money he needs so the two of them could go search for his dads there. lealynn explains all of this to the party members, with zaaki helping at some parts. Lea then asks if they’d be willing to help- they could definitely use the assistance in finding this poor boys dads, and she now does have enough money to get all of them in.

if my players dont say yes then well there goes the plot I GUESS. but with this the first arc ends. yay.

on to arc two! if youre still reading this then holy fucking shit you just read like 1k words of me messily explaining the start of the story and basically everything else is going to be the same sort of mess except possibly even messier

the party (now with lea and zaaki included) goes on more fun adventuring to get to the arena, which is in a somewhat discreet location as it might be slightly illegal? getting there is a little tough, but also on the way they’ll have some cool puzzles and battles as they check a few different places for zaaki’s dads. once they do get there they're actually sold out :^) also, amidst the time it takes to get there, they may get to find out some of lea’s story- if not, it will come up at other times, but to explain it in a simplified way: 4 or 5 years ago (shes currently 21) she had a girlfriend that she dated for like, 2 years. but stuff just stopped working out, as they do, and eventually she broke up with this girl. this totally wrecked the girl emotionally wise, and she threw quite a.. fit. she was a very powerful witch: and, placing a curse on the locket that she had previously given to lea as a gift, she took away lea’s ability to speak. Lea actually used to be a rather successful singer before this incident, and her salty ex was hoping to ruin her career by stealing her voice. it.. backfired on her, as lea adapted and became even more successful as an instrumental violinist. however, she still has no voice. the curse placed on her appears to reside inside the locket, but as much as shes tried, she cant remove the necklace or destroy it. after the fiasco that the breakup was, her now ex girlfriend vanished, and she hasn’t seen her since. lea still wants her voice back, and has spent her free time attempting to track down this ex of hers.

back to the present situation of sold out tickets:

there are several solutions to this puzzle! there are various ways for them to sneak in, or a mini quest where they can buy tickets from a secondhand source, or whatever creative stuff the party comes up with. eventually, they'll end up in the arena!

this arena is a place where gladiators fight each other to the death.  its obviously brutal and not for the faint of heart (zaaki’s poor little baby heart does not take well to this show). fighting tonight is a weirdly young elf girl, who’s only 12 years old. but she’s a fucking champion, and the crowd loves her. apparently she’s been fighting two or three years, as the party may be able to figure out by asking around (the party will also be asking around to see if they can find any clues on the location of zaaki’s parents, which may or may not be succesful depending on who they ask). this kid is named Flip, (im sorry i cant take any of my own characters seriously,) and currently she has a +6 in dex but this is just her at level 1 and she’s gonna be a few more levels up. shes extremely talented at what she does, her entire aesthetic is flowers but also: violently killing people with her big ol’ daisy covered mace. she does wild acrobatics and makes a bunch of one liner puns, all related to flowers. 

after a little bit while the show finishes, with flip beating two different opponents this night, and claiming a prize as usual. i plan on throwing in a spot in here where the players can actually choose to interrupt the fight, if say, their characters find this little girl fighting big, buff grizzly dudes too immoral. they can get theirselves wrapped up in a fight in the arena if they do this- but they can also just sit back and watch and flip will win because shes more than capable of it, the players just may not know this. it’ll definitely be fun to see what happens!

if they interrupt the fight there will probably be a few annoyed members of security, as well as an annoyed Flip. ur actions have consequences! i cant say for certain what all will happen here, but my intention is for them to be able to have a one on one conversation with flip later on in the evening (if they dont end up talking to her in whatever bizarre path they make, they can meet her at an autograph session after the show). they can talk to flip about whatever they want, maybe ask if she knows anything about the whereabouts for zaaki’s parents, or figure out why she’s 12 and a gladiator.

one thing they’ll also discover once getting near her is a necklace she’s wearing, that appears to be half of a metal flower. on a successful investigation roll,  there are more details they can discover: the flat side of the flower half has little notches in it, as though it has a matching half on another necklace that would fit into place with it. the words “little sis” are very carefully etched into the metal.

after talking for a bit, something... weird, happens.

Flip’s necklace begins to float, and suddenly the lightbulbs shatter and candles go out- its pitch black, and all you can see is this necklace floating in the air as it begins to glow. a disembodied, somewhat distorted, young womans voice rings out:

“Whats up motherfuckers.”

 the lights suddenly turn back on, the necklace goes back to normal, and the party will find Flip on her knees, gasping for air. a fresh cut is across her nose, one that will most likely leave a scar. security comes in, hearing the ruckus, but flip ushers them to leave. its safe to assume my players are going to be like “hey what the fuck just happened”

flip is going to explain, but only somewhat. she’ll talk about how, recently, she’s had issues with a sort of “haunting” as she describes it. she says that truthfully, she’s killed so many people, it could easily be any one of them, and that she has no idea which one it was or how to stop them.  This is a lie; Flip has a very good idea of who it might be, but she doesn’t plan on admitting it any time soon (or maybe she will idk what shit my players will get up to in these conversations)

(god ive been typing for like three hours i may have to go to bed before i can finish. whoevers still reading high five)

Lea will bring up that it seems she might need help; Flip will initially turn this down, and i cant really say where the conversation will sprout from there due to the fact it depends on my nonexistent players. the end goal will be for Flip to agree to group up with the rest of them; they all have something they’re looking for, and maybe if they all help each other eventually they’ll all fix their problems together. Flip should agree to meet back up with them tomorrow morning, and the rest of the party will go to an inn and sleep.

the next morning is probably where i insert a chance for the players to level up and go shopping for some items. its also the part where i give up at separating this story into arcs! i’ll figure that shit out Later

fuckin umm.. its late so my storytelling will probably begin gradually devolving. 

the next day our heroes will meet back up and discuss. Flip mentions that they may have most luck figuring things out with her haunting if they go to the arenas base of operations. the arena is somewhat part of a chain, all run by one person. he doesnt have a name yet but i’ve been calling him “mr. bitch business boy”. for now i’ll just call him mr. b. the party will travel to this place. However, Zaaki stays behind; he’s a little boy and doesn’t want to get super involved with all of this killing stuff! The other NPCs (and hopefully the players) agree to keep an eye out for information on his dads. its a large, sleek collection of buildings surrounded by a high tech gate and a bunch of people guarding it. 

for something kind of illegal, they’ve got a lot of big stuff going on.

there are three main areas they can check out: one, on the left, the smallest building. it has no windows and only two heavy metal doors. in the middle, you have the largest building,several stories, which does have some windows and looks kind of like.. a combination between a big fancy hotel and a business building, but also super like ~modern~ and stuff. it has a fountain in front. And lastly, on the right, is the second biggest building out of the three, but still considerably smaller than the middle one. while it is large, its still only one story. Flip can inform the party that the middle one is where the boss, mr. b, resides.

its the players choices where they check out first. but first, before any of that is seen actually, they have to get past security at the gate- this can either be done via initiative or via something else, up to them!

in the building on the right, they find a long, wide hall filled with seats and benches, and.. people. a lot of people, some holding papers, others holding weapons, and all looking like they’re both ready for a fight and a job interview. at the end of the hallway is another room, with a door and a big glass window  looking out at the rest of the hall. every once in awhile, a dragonborn man at the desk will call out “next” and someone will rise from the seats. Flip seems confused by this area, and Lea just seems weirded out by the entire business in general.

upon entrance, a few people will gasp at seeing Flip, and she’ll wave a bit to them. But one half-orc woman (un-named currently but also i love her) will run right up, going “oh my gosh, you’re flip, right?! i love all of your performances!” and the party will engage in a conversation with her. assuming that people ask questions, they can get a few answers. She’ll explain that this is where people apply to become a fighter for the arena, and it’s always been a dream of hers (what a weird dream man) to become a fighter in this organization. Flip is a little confused, as she didn’t go through any of this when she joined; but the half-orc says that sometimes there are definitely special cases where people are just found. if anyone mentions zaaki’s dads, she actually will know some things about them. she’ll explain that she was good friends with them, and when zaaki was really little and the dads were just getting the hang of raising a kid, she would sometimes babysit. however, she then gets a little sad, mentioning that she actually hasnt heard anything from them in a year. she doesn’t know where they are, but they’re probably not here. eventually she gets called up to go talk to the dragonborn behind the desk, and she bids you all farewell cheerfully and goes off for a.. sort of job interview, i guess.

there are a few other things people can check out here, but nothing i’ll bother mentioning here.

if they try to go to the tiniest room on the left, they’ll have to fight more security (no talking your way out of this one). inside they find a small hallway, some closets, and an elevator at the end that they just cant gosh hecking get open! meaning its puzzle time but i havent come up with a puzzle yet but THERS A PUZZLE and they solve it cool. once inside the elevator, they just see rows upon rows of buttons, starting at ground level (1) and then going down, down, down.

at any level they choose, they will just find large collections of rotting corpses, getting newer the deeper down they go. this horrifies flip, and if the players choose to view multiple floors, flip will stay in the small hall outside. Lea remains with the players, but extremely solemn. there are two special floors in this collection. there are 31 floors. at the 31st floor, they will find the most recent dumped bodies; and one of them is actually still just a little alive (but in a horrible, horrible state). It’s a tiefling man, and with a hoarse voice he will usher the players over. he does not ask for help, merely asks them to not forget about him. he tells them his name and his story in hopes that someone won’t forget he existed. if it occurs to the players, they can actually heal and help him escape this terrible mass graveyard. this will result in an advantage for them later on, and also just make them like fucking feel better about themselves y’know.

the other thing that they can find is on an undecided as of now floor, but will probably be a random number, as to make it less likely for them to end up at it. because what they will find is, well a bunch more dead bodies, but with a successful perception check they will notice one young woman's corpse that is wearing a necklace. this necklace has half a flower on it- and matches Flips. most of it is a bit rusted and dirty, making it hard to read, but you can more or less make out “Big sis” etched out into the metal. its the players choice whether they bring this up to flip once back outside with her.

Once grouped back up, Flip suggests they go and talk to Mr. B (if they havent gone in that building already). for once, security lets them in the building. inside is a rather extravagant sort of lobby, with two staircases on either side, and a semi-circle desk in the area between them. a dark elf woman with glasses sits their, seeming to be checking off things in a book. the players can go approach the woman, and ask to see mr. b

and i am not at all done (still have like, half a story and half the main npcs to introduce) but this is over 3k words and it is 12 am so i will stop for now, and continue in a new post tomorrow! 

if anybody has name suggestions for the bar owner at the beginning, the half orc lady, or the dark elf-- just lemme know i have so many npcs to name and not enough creativity. also, if you read all of this, just.. holy shit. gimme ur thoughts! 

also i am open for suggestions to name the campaign

[hangonimevolving]

The Iron String.

“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.”

--Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self Reliance

Here we are. It's August. Five months plus since the start of the U.S. pandemic, lockdowns, and general disruption to society. Over 5.26 million confirmed cases in the United States alone to date, and 167,000 deaths. Our world around us has changed.

Much of the last two months of summer for me were spent in an agonizing holding pattern concerning the almighty School Question. What would happen in the fall? Would schools be reopening? If so, how would that look - would we just act like life is normal, or would there be modifications to help prevent transmission of the virus? If so, what on earth modifications are even possible for young children that are reasonable, and to which little kids can even feasibly adhere given their ages and needs? If it proves too difficult to reopen schools, what would be the plan? Would there be some sort of virtual learning program, and how would it differ from the shifts that happened this past spring, with teachers scrambling to educate themselves on distance-learning technologies and teleconferencing utilities in order to teach a room full of kindergartners on Zoom? Surely, with several months to ponder the possibilities and plan for vairous contingencies, schools would be more prepared with better, more structured and thought-out plans for fall, than what they had in the spring... right?

Er, wrong. WRONG. The short version of how this situation ended, at least in our geographic area, is that the public school system (and my own kids' small, family-owned private school) made the decision to reopen to face-to-face teaching by the middle of July. Late in the game, both also hastily threw together a virtual option for students - but the virtual option was tantamount to a continuation of the fly-by-night Zoom teaching that had been put into effect at the very start of the lockdown.

I for one was entirely disappointed and disgusted with this. With SO much time to plan, this is really the best that could be done?! Bruh, NAW. I wasn't having it.

So blah blah blah, hem, haw, blah. Research, research, research. Reading, millions of review websites, forums, blogs, legal defense funds, Department of Education website, nonprofits, clubs and associations and collectives.... a phone call with an old friend from high school with over 10+ years experience, and a series of long and informative text message exchanges with two other friends, one a veteran with over 15+ years with three now-adult children, another a mom about my age of children about my kids' ages, facing this situation just like me and working through options just like me...... and, after all this, I knew exactly what I would be doing. What WE would be doing, in our family.

By June 13, it was official, and it was all systems go.

Ladies and gentlemen.... I am officially a homeschooling mom. Like, a LEGIT homeschooling mom. As in, I am doing a 100% parent-led homeschooling curriculum plan, FULL-time, with my two children.

I won't lie. In a million, bajillion, baskillion years, I don't think I ever intended to find myself in this place. I'll also say with honesty, that I have admired from afar the rare few homeschooling families that I somewhat know, and the flexibility and creativity with which they approach academics and learning in general.

I have also been increasingly dissatisfied and frustrated with the academic progress of my own children... Dr. Spouse and I have had long discussions where we've tried to speculate on the things that we haven't been satisfied about in our kids' schooling. The list has been long. But even as we were able to identify specific shortcomings in our children's particular educational environment, I've felt a rising sensation of control-freakism and bootstrapism in my chest, that has whispered to my conscience: "if you feel something is wrong here, don't sit around waiting for someone else to fix it. And, when you articulate your concerns in a constructive, non-threatening, but clear way, and people have smiled and nodded and claimed they'd follow up on those items, but in the end, they havent taken those concerns seriously - then it is time to man the f&* up and TAKE CARE OF THAT SHIT yourself. Because YOU are the only one you can trust. YOU are the only one who can do it right, in your own view. So either do it, or stop feeling dissatisfied about it."

So here it is. Our original plan, prior to the pandemic, was to switch the kids to the local (A-rated) public elementary school for this coming year. We had hoped that a change in environment, teachers, and the accountability of being a reputed school in the public school system, would mean more organization and oversight, and that hopefully this would translate into better academic progress in our kids.... but the pandemic changed all our plans, and besides, I don't know if more "in theory..." type things ever really translate to palpable, effective change at the individual level (at least not for me anyway, I never have such luck).

Rather than seeing this weird, surreal circumstance has having forced me into the homeschooling decision (which, maybe it sort of did) - - for reasons I can't explain, I dove headlong into it, with great excitement and hope. I can't really figure out how I have been as enthusiastic or jazzed about it as I have been - - but lookie, I'm jazzed! Seriously. From the moment we made the decision to do it, I felt like a 1,000-lb. weight was lifted from my chest. No more feeling anxious or on the edge of my seat about decisions that are being made outside of my control. In this matter - I stopped waiting for other poeple, and I TOOK CONTROL. For my own kids, anyway.

I'll write a detailed post at a later time about some of the particulars of the homeschooling plan that I am using, the research I did, the materials I ended up purchasing, the knowledge and insight I required while in the preparations phase, and other stuff. But, for now - I've droned on long enough. I'm gonna share some pictures now.

To bring it back to the start of this post - - with this homeschooling plan, I have found my iron string. I literally felt this resounding, reverberating sense of CONFIDENCE the moment that I decided to do this, and effectively brought Dr. Spouse on board. NEVER, in my life, have I felt so right about a decision. I feel a tremendous inner harmony about it - like I've come home to myself, if that's not too weird to say.

Sooo.... here are pictures of Week 1 of our great homeschooling adventure.

Obligatory "First Day of School" picture....

Our newly-tweaked home office - - now serving as our homeschooling classroom!

Particularly proud of our new training clock, our large-format calendar, and the "today's date/weather" board that I made with vinyl die-cuts from my Cricut, some chalkboard-surface Contact paper, and some rainbow sparkly duct tape :)

Spanish class: kids use a fun new app for two class sessions a week

Dey working on simple addition/subtraction with Teddy Bear Counters

Dey slaying his worksheets in Handwriting class - we're doing both print letters and cursive

Vev learning to tell time, and to recognize and convey the time in both analog and digital notation

After reading several history textbook chapters on the origins, diets, nomadic lifestyles, housing practices, and modes of dress among prehistoric humankind - we did a "History in action" lesson where the kids were given 10 minutes to construct a shelter out of a "mammoth skin" (blanket), "two tree branches" (pool noodles), and several large "rocks" (throw pillows). They didn't need the full 10 minutes :)

Vev enjoying one of his first chapter books - an "I Can Read" reader during a Language Arts learning block

After a week reading science textbook chapters about the earth's atmosphere, we conducted science experiments to better understand the properties of air! The boys had a "paper race" using construction paper and pieces of cardboard as fans, to race two paper structures across a finish line. They discussed their expectations and each articulated a hypothesis about which paper would travel faster, prior to conducting the experiment; afterwards, we determined whether our "guesses" (hypothesis) were accepted or rejected :)

This is just a smattering. There's been so much, and in only four days. I can't believe how much we are able to learn and cover in our homeschooling time. And the crazy thing is, we are able to do Phonics and Grammar, Reading, History, Read-aloud time, Math, Spanish, Handwriting, and Science in only about 3 hours per day. We integrate things like art, movement, current events, and practical life skills into pretty much everything we do, but on occasion we are even able to do a discrete, planned-out period of time for these topics too.

The iron string is taut, and secured in its proper place. We are ready for it to guide us through this school year.

[survivormagictreehouse]

Episode #11 “Revenge? is a dish best served cold” -Ali

-all i have to say. all i have to say. is revenge? is a dish best served cold. that whole vote was a nightmare. but i've promised to be nicer in my confessionals/host chat so i'm gonna keep it nice. chips is completely a liar, like he just played into the bodhi plan for no reason and its so annoying! he thinks he is playing the middle with tact, but he is just playing it really like... wobbly. jess? never dissed. was honest with me, tried to keep me calm. I STAN JESS. i think she will probably win the season and i'm? here for it. i also love gavin and i feel so bad that he burned his idol for no reason. i feel like none of me/cindi/ruthie is making it to the end, so i hope to be able to vote for gavin or jess. collin is a sweetheart, definitely the best player on his side. i also love rachael now that is also a sweetheart. timmy i do not vibe with, am never hear for men calling women bitches. as men we can and should do better than gross crap like that. birch is lovely, they never seem to know whats up in this game JKFDAS but they are a sweetheart never the less!. anyway so i gave ruthie the idol? because i stick with my allies. and if people are calling us a trio, why not keep cindi as the big threat and ruthie as the disconnected 'easier vote', keeps me cushioned comfortably in the middle mhmm. it was definitely risky but also having two idols was making me feel literally SICK. so agenda moving forwards? work down from that. i also have a jury of men who are likely to dislike me so what can you do about THAT, i'm here to have fun and pull off some cracked shenanigans and i sure did just do that. would LOVE to continue voting off men next round, chips or timmy suits me fine idc which one. my agenda this season is to make sure one of gavin/jess/ruthie/cindi wins the season JNKFDAS screw the rest. they can all GO. but once again bodhi... this is what happens when you tussle with me. in the words of that one game of thrones character (i havent seen the show)... tell bodhi.. i want him to know it was me.

-two final thoughts: - trent has pointed out that this is the third vote out in a row where i said twenty-four hours before tribal 'i want it to be' and then said who left. that streak will DEFINITELY end tho JNKDAFS - i feel like idoling bodhi while unambitious, was good for my game. he has the capacity to come after me lategame, he was connected to people i wasnt, breaks up that voting block of 4 while keeping in collin/rachael who trust me more. im... at peace.

-https://youtu.be/Yy5THF05qjg (from the day after Bodhi left)

-hello okay so today has been... so illuminating? main points are that i do not trust jess, and do trust collin and rachael again? also chips is full of LIES. and as i took a 10min break from writing this i started second guessing myself again, maybe collin is lying. honestly everyone on this tribe is confusing. i've been defending this trio narrative all day but people maybe dont even care. also i feel bad for bodhi that is a king even tho he is so shady all the time as a player NJDFKLAS. cant wait to join him in jury.

-okay so i am once again frustrated. ruthie, gavin and cindi never dissed. rachael and collin are also all good, but the rest whewie. first up jess. jess is my friend and this is by no means a reflection of her as a person, but as a player oh my GOD she is so frustrating. she just has no like... conviction as a player? like jess what do you stand for in this game, what are you as a player. i said in my host chat but talking to her is like trying to staple jelly to a wall, as a player she just... is so. so hollow? idk i just wanna see her have conviction and to see her fight for something . chips is also frustrating as a player he just sits and has an agenda of 'splitting up groups', but all that happens is he gets picked up by a group to target another group, what has he... actually done? he is #2 on my angry list, and top spot is taken by... timmy. timmy i am talking to for the first time in a few days today and its incredibly frustrating. he is sending me this wall of excuses and i? do not want to hear it. i should not have to explain to a grown man that calling a woman a bitch, and he can say he 'snapped and crossed the line' and that it was out of character all he wants but i- do not want to hear it. timmy can be mad all he wants after he gets blindsided and say the entire tribe talks down to him, but then when he leaks cindi's ENTIRE PLAN, cindi isnt allowed to be mad at him? and cindi also kept it as GAME. this is what is so frustrating to me, i've had videos made about how annoying i am in games, i've had people say all sorts of gross personal stuff about me and so i dont wanna hear it. i've had people call my game the worst they have EVER see and i just sat there and took. i. do. not. want. to. hear. it. this game has reminded me of three things, how much i love ruthie (my undisputed closest ally at this point), how much i love olivia and lukas and how much i hate men.

WELL, WELL, WELL... another round of complete and utter RADIO SILENCE. with allegiances to almost everyone left in the game aside from chips, bodhi, and collin, this round was destined to be extremely hard to navigate. there was a lot of talk about breaking up the "trio" of ali, cindi, and ruthie. while i can recognize the danger of keeping a trio in, it is also an enormous target ahead of myself and my duo with jess. an alliance was formed between myself, jess, timmy, and rachael, and we essentially wanted to vote with timmy and rachael to avoid them feeling discluded from the vote and having no trust with us. despite the silence, ruthie's name began to rise above, which as much as i love ruthie, i wanted to be able to appease to timmy and rachael while still being in a "middle position" where i could play both sides that are starting to form. however, during the final fifteen minutes of the vote, CHAOS broke free. bodhi's name started get pushed by ruthie and ali, and as much as i loved that idea, the numbers were not there. so, i encouraged ruthie to play an idol on herself if she had one because otherwise she was leaving, so either way, i would not be at fault for her getting votes. however, bodhi began to try to push a back-up plan to get votes on me instead of him... and when ruthie played her idol, i couldn't risk it knowing how few votes it would take to control the outcome of the vote. so, i wasted my idol. HOWEVER, this seemed to work out well for me, because people seem to trust me a lot more and were very sympathetic towards me wasting it... so i am going to ride on that sympathy for the next few rounds.

So class, today we're going to talk about the difference between a villain and a bitch. I think the class is confused about the distinction. A villain plays the game for themselves. They do not take their alliances seriously or they use them to steam roll. I have been guilty of both of these within this game. I am a villain in this game. You can call me that and I will give you game-related sass back because that is what villains do. Call out my game. It has been chaotic and has a lot of flaws. It's ugly. It hurts people who thought they were close to me (almost everyone thought they were close to me at merge so someone's gettin hurt). A bitch is a personal insult. To call someone that implies that they have explicitly hurt you personally within this game. I would consider a bitch to be someone who, I don't know, attacks someone's personality because they didn't align with them in-game. I'm done with Timmy. He can continue pulling his "No one talks to me" card all he wants, it's a game move that I will never respect, especially when people did talk to you about the Keegan vote. And to be clear, people did talk to both Timmy and Rachael about the Keegan vote. They can claim no one talked to them but the idea was floated by them and they shut it down and Keegan found out about it shortly after. So someone leaked it to him. So when we're looking to get him out last minute I'm sorry that you are not on my list of who to call to vote him out. I've been a shit ally to both Rachael and Timmy and I legitimately was going to try to make that better. Now I think I'm just gonna keep voting Timmy till he's gone and if Rachael stays I'll switch to her. I probably won't actually do that, but I'm over it. I will not vote with Timmy, if I learn he's in on a plan I'm throwing my damn vote somewhere else. 

-SO... ALI SENT ME HIS IDOL and I used it and I didn't go home!  It sucks that I got so many votes and it looked like the one that blabbed was Chips which is disappointing but oh well. I can't believe at one time I trusted him more than Cindi and Ali.  I'm so glad I told her about the counting to get an advantage and not Chips because I really thought about it but Cindi was the last person I had PM'd and had kept  me in the loop so I told her.   Also we made another alliance with the three of us annnnd Gavin and Jess who were both down but as soon as I made it, neither one of them talked? Like...  I know everyone has a life but I expect people to be around when I make an alliance chat!! :k So... we will see what happens with that, the three of us may be screwed after all, lol. 

-I really hope that Cindi is going to stay... time will tell what will happen and who people can kind of trust. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcNPArwK8PM&feature=youtu.be

hello I am drinking at a wedding and hope I don’t get voted out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

This vote and this round are sad and ugly because it became personal. I still really don't know what to do but am sticking with the first person who talked to me today. Hoping that once either of the two is out of the game that this can turn back into being a game.

After the confrontation with Cindi last round, I knew this round was going to be tricky. In the challenge, we all had two secret books we had to figure out who's books belonged to who. I was able to somehow get everyones except for Ruthie and Cindi. Cindi lied about her books to someone else and they told me the lie (not knowing it was a lie) so the 4 points I missed were both of their books. After the vote, Cindi posted in the main chat that it had to be her or I who went home this round, which tore a lot of people up because they are friends with both of us and do not want to choose sides. I do not believe that Cindi posted that for people to choose sides, but more for her mental health. Sadly, to find that closure it does involve people choosing sides. So far, everyone besides Ali and Ruthie have told me in a way they are saving me, but this is survivor anything can happen. I am on my guard, but we will see when the vote comes down today. If I survive, this could become a large turning point for my game.

an exhausted gavin has made an appearance to his confessional... my main goal was to win immunity after misplaying my idol last round. can we talk about how embarrassing that is? luckily, i think i am positioned well enough where i am no one's first target, and if i am, not enough people would turn against me. i have been trying to play the middle, and this vote between cindi and timmy has definitely put that position into jeopardy. i just need to do my best to remain close to ali and ruthie, and then from there i can focus on taking out people like collin who is in a similar position as i am trying to play the middle. unfortunately, this vote is breaking my heart, but i don't want a trio to dominate the game as much as i love cindi. so, at this point, i am voting for her... but i am not opposed to her staying.

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Click HERE to watch the Round 11 Cast Assessment 

[for-the-brokenhearted]

6/17/19 Life update

happy & sad- kacey musgraves

today was a weird day. a lot has happened, the last time i logged into this account i thought was earlier this year but in reality it was last year....which is weird. just goes to show how much has happened.

I havent had enough time to process or really understand what has happened but here is my attempt at deconstructing it all.

In january i got the okay to pursue the licensing program this year which was supposed to happen in march but got pushed back to april.

well i got fired. on april 25 and watched everything i had worked for get ripped out from under me. all the shit i put up with working under stephen and the mistreatment and all that bullshit just disappeared. i remember driving home looking at businesses thinking i need to find a job and looking for ideas so i can at least have income. it was bullshit, all of it. i am still working through some of these feelings today. even though it was almost 2 months ago. i got fired for some bs reason and the dispute case is still open. 

what is a miracle is that i found a job less than two weeks later and accepted the offer before the two week anniversary of the end of my wells fargo career. and i am writing to you on my work computer. i work in a super healthy work culture with wicked smart people and have a healthy work life balance. yes i work downtown now and commute is 40 minutes but i truly am happier day to day. however i am still sad.

i don’t want God to think my sadness is me not being grateful for the amazing things that have happened to me. but i have been spending all my time brushing over it and moving on that i havent really taken the time i needed to close that chapter. that was my family, i gave my heart and soul to that company and them letting me go like that was a slap in the face, not to mention i have a finra case open b/c of what they wrote about me after i left which was false.

I am three weeks into my new job. I have made great relationships thus far and have learned a whole lot. I am excited about the possibilities ahead but its hard for me to not acknowledge what has just happened. i was forced into a new life stage and i was not ready for it. God knows i wasnt and this was all part of his plan which is why i found it so easy to bury it because this was something completely out of my control like everything else.

today i feel defeated. I think i need to start taking my antidepressants regularly because i cant deal with the saddness i feel sometimes. i get triggered out of nowhere.

today i was doing some record keeping with my prescriptions and for whatever reason on the label i read the word “promised” and then the date i was supposed to pick it up on. this made me so sad. i dont know why.

i know that this is how things are supposed to be going and i have had shit timing with everything but sometimes i feel like im a failure. like im a disappointment. i feel like when i got fired i let everyone down, myself, my mom and my dad. 

I feel like because i am so emotional i feel like i have to prove my strength which is not fair. i am what i am and i am built this way. 

I am so grateful and have everything i could ever ask for. but i am still struggling.

last week i started to drive to cedar park to work instead of getting on mopac to go downtown. this is one of the hardest things ive ever had to deal with. i just hope i can make everyone proud bc i feel like ive failed to do a lot of the things i said i was going to do. i am very sad but i know i will be alright.

i should write here more. I cant believe its been 7 years since i started this damn thing. how much has time changed things.

i feel like between shit going down between craig and i two days before christmas and now i have not been able to catch a break and just when everything is going well something fucking shitty happens.

maybe thats why im so emotional now (also my period) but i think i am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[womanintheword]

hi i feel like the devil is really trying to pull me down. ive been quite a few of ur anons recently (im the anon whos friend has leukemia, the demisexual anon, and quite a few others) and most recently my church has been going through a lot of struggles. we havent been getting enough tithes to pay basic funds and our youth group had to let go of our youth leader today because some marriage issues he was having and now we dont have a head to our youth group and its going to affect a lot (1/?)

“of our decisions especially w the youth retreat/evangelical ministry event we have this weekend as well as our mission trip in july bc we now have to get acquainted w a new leader and everything and we already had bad youth funds on top of our bad overall church funds that we’re barely able to go on the mission trip we’re planning, and thats w paying $150 and my parents most likely paying for gas and/or rental vans. and my friend (her names Bailee in case u wanted to know) who has leukemia (2/?)is the first friend ive ever had w a possibility of not living until old age bc her cancer and even tho shes probably gonna survive its still scary for me bc i know if i dont act now she could be gone forever and i cant handle that on top of already being put down by friends for attending church and agreeing w some of the “anti-feminist, pro-patriarchy” things in the bible and most of them dont take me seriously when i try and explain how theyre NOT what they mean and my one friend seems (3/?)to be offended by everything that happens at our church even though she still comes and is lgbt and it feels like i cant do anything right anywhere if i try and combine jesus and lgbt for her and basically i have so much going worldly wrong for me right now and its making this rly hard to focus on christ when i have to deal w so much else and im trying not to let it affect me negatively and pull my relationship from him but its so hard and it keeps getting harder and harder and i need a lot (4/?of prayers rn to get through this in one piece and i feel like i cant do it on my own but im not very comfortable going to anyone at my church abt this so i came to u and im sorry for the long ask(s) but idk what else to do (5/5)”Hi friend,I’ve read your messages over several times and have just been sitting here staring at my computer screen trying to come up with what to say and have been talking to God about it. I love you. I love you so, so much, and God loves you so, so much. I really do believe that when we are faced with tons of worldly opposition, as you are now, it’s because the enemy sees how important we are to God, and sees how hard we’re working at growing closer to Him. This being said… doesn’t make it any easier, though. And I know that. So I just want to say this: keep going. Keep going, and keep loving and trusting God will all your heart and all your soul and all your mind, and keep talking to Him about everything that’s going on, and keep asking Him for strength and guidance, and keep sharing His Word and His love with your friends and family and church and just everyone around you, and keep in His Word. You are dealing with so much right now. It’s completely understandable that you’re having a hard time focusing on Him. Just keep taking it one day at a time, and focus on little bits and pieces. If you look at and think about everything at once, you’re going to get so overwhelmed. (I think you already know this.) If you break it down though–and maybe try writing everything down?–it won’t seem so big. Make sure that, especially now more than ever as you’re having a difficult time focusing on Him, you’re allotting quiet time with Him every day. I worry that you’re doing what I tend to do–giving and giving and giving, without taking time to fill up yourself. When we do that, we end up running around on E(mpty) trying to fill others up when we have nothing left to give. So please, try to focus on yourself and fill yourself up (if only a little) every day, so that you can better serve others. Your relationship with Him is top priority. I am sending so many prayers your way, love. Please feel free to keep me updated on everything. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. - Philippians 4:13All my love,S. 

[gaysin-space]

The curious thing

you’re so cute, sending me asks to do omg

1. What are the things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Myself and my mental shit tbh

2. What will people say at your funeral?

Idk summat about me being gay and savage tbh

3. Standing at the gates of heaven, and God asks you “Why should I let you in?” What do you reply?

“I don’t know man it’s up to you like i don’t mind either way”

4. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you run into to make everything ok?

My girlfriends tbh i’ve done it before so yeah she helps me alot

5. Does this person know how much they mean to you? When was the last time you told them?

I like to think you do, I mean i tell you nearly everyday

6. If you could send a message to the entire world, what would you say in 30 seconds?

Explain how war doesn’t solve anything and just makes everything worse and how we need to stop

7. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

I’d travel the world and give enough to my parents to support them for the rest of their lives

8. If today was the last day of your life, what would you want to do?

See the great wonders of the world or go to space tbh

9.What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

I’d spend more time with my loved ones than i already do

10. If your entire life was a movie, what title would best fit?

The unadventurous life of the depressed emo

11. How would you describe yourself in 5 words?

honest, sarcastic, funny, loving, trusting 

12. What are the chances you’ve passed up on that you regret?

none really? Like i’m happy with most of the decisions that i’ve made that effect my life 

13. How do you apply the learning from this regret to your actions today?

I don’t tend to hang onto negative emotions like that like I just forget and move on

14. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

Everything like literally

15. If you could watch everything that happened in your life until now, would you enjoy it?

certain things yeah but i wouldn’t want to like the past is the past for a reason

16. If you could ask a single person one question, and they had to answer truthfully, who and what would you ask?

idk tbh maybe Harry and if he’s happy 

17. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

A lot of things tbh all my mistakes would be erased 

18. When you’re 90 years old, what will matter most to you in the world?

My family definitely 

19. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of? What’s stopping you?

Yeah but im working on it and my brain needs to get with the program

20. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Yes.

21. Do you ask enough questions, or are you happily settling for what you know already?

I think i do? Like im a really curious person so ill always wanna find out more if people let me

22. How do you celebrate the things you do have in your life?

I make do with the little things i have and make everything go a long way

23. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done?

I will have said a lot but i always go through with what ive promised to do

24. When was the last time you tried something new?

The other day i think? I always make sure to say yes to trying new things

25. What were you doing when you last lost track of the time?

probs watching videos on youtube 

26. What is the difference between living and existing?

Living is enjoying life to the fullest and doing the things you love everyday, existing is just getting by doing the bare minimum to survive

27. If you had a friend that you spoke to the same way you speak to yourself, how long do you think that person would allow you to be your friend?

Not very long, they’d probs get annoyed with me very soon and leave me alone

28. If you had to teach someone one thing, what would you teach?

How to be nice to people

29. What makes you smile?

The people who care about me and i care about

30. What drives you to do better at something?

My parents and the fear of disappointing them

31.What do you really love to do? Do you do it often? If you answer no, why not?

I love to read and write and i don’t do it that often but i want to start doing it more as soon as i’m finished with whats causing me stress at the moment

32. What can you do today that you couldn’t do a year ago? What will you be able to do at this time next year?

Talk about my feelings better and actually let people in, and hopefully next year ill be even better at it than i am now

33. What is the last thing that you’ve done that’s really worth remembering?

When I spent a whole day with my mum

34. What gets you excited and driven to achieve?

The future i could potentially have 

35. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

when i went to Birmingham to visit my girlfriend 

36. What do you want most out of life?

Just to be happy and have a family

37. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you?

Hopefully it would help me but knowing my luck it would probs hurt me 

38. If you could go back in time, once, and change a single thing – what would it be?

When a certain person hurt me and fucked up my life

39. If you had a year left to live, what would you achieve over the next 12 months?

Visit every place on my bucket list and tell all my family i love them

40. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?

To be happy

41. What do you “owe” yourself?

Nothing tbh

42. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

My gf tbh cheesy i know but still

43. How do you spend the majority of your free time? Why?

Watching youtube or spending time with people i care about

44. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

A power ranger or a spy omg 

45. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

Went to uni tbh 

46. What terrifies you the most?

People leaving me and being on my own

47. What are you looking forward to?

My future tbh where im married with kids 

48. Describe the greatest adventure of your life

Havent been on it yet

49. Where would you like to live? Why haven’t you moved?

Paris and money tbh

50. What have you done that you’re most proud to have achieved?

Gone to uni tbh didnt think i would but im here 

51. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

I wouldnt be able to live or get a job tbh

52. What is your greatest strength?

Listening to others and giving advice 

53. What is your greatest weakness?

My paranoia and insecurities 

54. What did your life teach you yesterday?

That people will always talk about you behind your back no matter if you thought they cared about you or not 

55. What have you done today to make someone’s life better?

Sorted out some money issues so my parents don’t have to stress about it 

56. Whose life have you had the greatest impact on?

My parents most likely

57. What makes you special?

No idea, I don’t think i am tbh

58. How many people do you truly love? What are you doing for them?

A few and I’ll always make sure im there for them whenever they need me

59. What bad habits do you want to break?

Biting my skin and nails and the major bad one i do

60. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

many times especially concerning my sister and dad 

61. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

Building my life with my gf and our future together tbh

62. If you spend a day watching movies when you should be working a day wasted or well spent?

Wasted omg i feel so guilty whenever i do

63. Would your life be better or worse, if you knew the time and place where you would die?

worse id always be thinking about it 

64. What is honor, and does it even matter anymore?

to me its being true to yourself and i would like to think it does 

65. Would you be a martyr and risk your reputation by standing up for what is right in front of your peers? Or is it better to be pragmatic and do nothing?

always stand up for what is right and be true to yourself and not lose yourself in fitting in with everyone else 

66. Could you be persuaded to kill someone? If you answer no, how much money would it take to change your mind?”

Depends what they did tbh and why it matters to me 

67. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

I’d be where i’m supposed to be but idk its never going to happen

68. Would you rather have 10 years of excellent health, or 30 years of average health?

30 years tbh the longer the better 

69. Is being open-minded a virtue, if it’s causing destructive ideas to spread throughout society?

Everyone should be open minded but not if its causing destructive ideas to blossom and spread 

70. Do you consider yourself the hero or the villain in your story?

Villain definitely i sabotage my own happiness too much 

71. How much control do you really have over yourself?

Not much tbh my head gets in the way 

72. When did you last push the boundaries of your comfort zone?

Yesterday tbh to hang out with my new mate 

73. What have you given up on?

Too many things tbh you’d probs cry 

74. Who are you really? Describe yourself without using your name, or any attributes given to you by society and really think.

Im the best person to have fighting for you in your corner and ill do everything in my being to help those who need it 

75. Deep down, who are you?

No idea, if you ever meet her lemme know yeah?