#here's one for luke being an agent of chaos as a dm

[blacksurvivalnostalgichanges]

Leon:(roleplaying in an RPG session) I’d like to walk around here to check the perimeter, see the next path the party can take after this enemy’s defeated.

Luke:Alright, there’s a corridor south. You see that you can definitely walk through there, but this (points to where his character’s placed, a fairly short distance from where he started) is the maximum amount you can walk since the sewer walk shaves off your movement.

Leon:What? We still have that disadvantage?

Luke:For the rest of the dungeon, since the mud went into your clothes. You’re heavier. And feeling slightly uncomfortable.

Leon:Can I take off my clothes? (Luke laughs.) I’m not joking. I want to take off my pants.

JP:Yeah, take it off, Leon!

Luke:(still laughing) A... alright, I’ll allow it. Celine, when you got shot, you looked to your side and saw Leon taking his pants off. Leon, you have the two movements back.

Chloe:That’s your fault now, Luke! Everyone’s gonna do the final boss in their underwear!

Silvia:If I saw it, everyone get mentally ready!

Luke:I can’t stop you guys! You fully have the choice to take your clothes off if they give you a disadvantage!

[recurring-polynya]

Please tell me about Obidala UwU

Ha ha ha, you asked for it.

Okay, for starters, I am bisexual and all my OTPs consist of (1) dude who has basically the same personality as me but I would like to bone and (1) lady who is the sort of person I wish I was, whom I would also like to bone. The dude in a Polynya OTP is generally a member of some sort of strict order (cop, Jedi, shinigami) that he is deeply devoted to. He is super good at his job and works his ass off, but he is always the loyal lieutenant, never the main character and accepts this as his lot in life. He is neurotic. He drinks a lot of coffee, or whatever the appropriate fantasy equivalent is. The lady Goes Hard. She is tough as balls. She usually has a lot of political power and is very smart and will cut a bitch. Her aesthetic is off the chain; enormous, bizarre dresses a plus. I think you can see where I am going with this. Also, Ewan MacGregor and Natalie Portman are two incredibly good-looking people and amazing actors and they absolutely carried the Phantom Menace, which I saw, like, eight times in theaters.

Here is what would have happened if someone had hired me to write Episodes 2 and 3, which no one did, for some reason. So first off, in Episode 1, Amidala is 14, I think, Anakin is 10, and Obi-Wan is.. Jeez, I dunno. 17 maybe? 30? Who knows? Anyway, watch that movie and try to tell me that there is ~ any chance ~ that Amidala would fall for Anakin, especially when there is this hot apprentice Jedi hanging around having this tragic shit go down, and being stoic and oh, no, I’m getting misty. None of this matters. Amidala is the queen, she has shit to do, no time for dumb boys. Anakin is obviously immediately smitten with her, why wouldn’t he be? Okay, now I need, like, an interim episode 1.5, where Obi-Wan is trying to train Anakin, but he’s bad at it because he’s barely graduated himself and he’s really broken up over Qui-Gon’s death and also he’s an order muppet and Anakin is a chaos muppet, but they manage to work shit out and bond and become Force Bros. In fact, they are much more like brothers than having a traditional Master - Padawan relationship, but they are also absolute monsters at fighting together and even though Obi-Wan is still a wet-sock-rules-follower, Anakin is still very “fuck the police”. Cue episode 2, where they meet up with Amidala again. She’s retired from Queening (the rulership system on Naboo is bananas, srsly wtf) and they all go on an adventure. She is beauty, she is grace, she stabs a dude right in the face. The three of them are an absolute wrecking crew. Anakin is smitten all over again, except that Amidala and Obi-Wan have… all this… chemistry. But Obi-Wan is a rules follower, he knows he’s not supposed to fall in love and also, she’s a Galactic Senator, she’s way above his pay grade, and also, his best friend is in love with her, Obi-Wan Would Never. Amidala would definitely like to hit that, but she respects Obi-Wan’s weird morals and also, she cares a lot about both boys and does not want to mess things up between them. Episode ends with my three kids as Nakama with A Lot of Sexual Tension Floating Around. 

Episode 3! Episode 3 is the absolute keystone of the Star Wars nonology (is that a word?) and it has to be stunning and the Episode 3 we got is a pile of cat vomit. Anakin needs to be a character that you love and care for and it absolutely breaks your heart when he goes to the dark side. And Palpatine would achieve this by tapping into Anakin’s tendency to hate the rules which is the one major philosophical difference he has with Obi-Wan, and also planting the seeds of the idea that Obi-Wan and Amidala are in love behind his back. Now, Obi-Wan is getting worried about Anakin, and he turns to Amidala, because he feels like she’s the only one who can get through to him. Sheev (Christ, I cannot get over that his name is Sheev) machinates things so that Anakin catches them “sneaking around behind his back” and the thing is, they haven’t been doing anything aside from trying to help him, except the fact is, they are actually in love and Anakin has basically already known this, and he has also always known that in some ways, he is the one who has stood in the way of his best friends being together and also he has a lot of Trauma and our boy loses his shit and takes a one-way trip to the Dark Side. I honestly never worked out what happened after that, but ngl, I feel like “hey, Luke, Vader wasn’t actually your dad after all” would have been a pretty amazing plot twist for Ep 5.

Is this the fanfiction I wrote? No. It is not. My sis and I had a series of stories where Anakin was having trouble fitting in at the Temple, and Obi-Wan gets special permission to take him off to some backwater planet to train him by themselves. It was basically a bunch of Obi-Wan is A Shitty Single Dad stories, featuring such gems as Anakin Joins a Boy Scout Troop and They Go Camping (Obi-Wan throws one of the other dads’ cell phones in a lake?) and Anakin Tries to Surreptitiously Pod-Race Without Obi-Wan Finding Out and oh God, there was one where they had to go back to the Temple for some sort of Padawan Talent Show featuring all of Obi-Wan’s friends who are now grown up and have their own apprentices? Eventually, we get to my masterpiece, where Amidala sends some letters to Obi-Wan and Anakin, and Anakin misinterprets something she says and thinks she’s gotten roped into an Arranged Marriage and feeling that Obi-Wan would not take this seriously enough, runs away to go save her. Obi-Wan, who is so, so tired, has to chase after him, and shortly after he gets to Naboo, Amidala actually does get roped into a political marriage with this absolute buffoon who was vaguely based on Kuno Tatewaki from Ranma ½. Hilarity, as one might expect, ensues. But, wait! There’s more! Close to the end of the story, Anakin has to run off and get the dude’s parents who have not at all approved this marriage and he tells Obi-Wan he has to stall the wedding. Obi-Wan blows this super hard by declaring, in a long, rambling fashion, that Amidala can’t marry this other guy, because he, Obi-Wan is in love with her. I then wrote a sequel, where this awful prince tries to get married to someone else. All these rich, royal people think that Amidala and Obi-Wan are together (and that they are super cute) so they decide they have to have a loud public break-up, except that someone straight-up gets murdered and then they have to solve the murder mystery and the whole time Anakin is wandering around going “can you guys please break up already?” Anyway, the bride turned out to be involved in the murder, so, once again, this bonehead prince has failed to get married, although somewhere along the line, he fell in love with one of Amidala’s handmaidens (I should note, the handmaidens in these stories are major characters and utter agents of chaos). Anyway, I got halfway through the third story in this series as well, where the prince and Amidala’s handmaiden get married, and Obi-Wan and Amidala try once again to break up and then are like “What if we… didn’t?” and I never finished it. I still have it around her somewhere. I am pretty sure all this nonsense is still floating around the internet… somewhere, but it was 19-friggin-99, so it’s got my real (maiden) name on it ::face palm:: so I’m not posting a link. If you deeply feel the need to read any of this nonsense (and I tell you, you do not), DM me.

The moral of this story is that I am still writing the same gonzo comedy-of-errors stories I wrote when I was eighteen, when I get around to re-writing WDKALY, you jerks are in for it.