#here is me pushing the stone butch blues agenda
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hadtochangemyurlquick · 3 years ago
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did it ever feel weird at first when you started going by Gus? im starting to come out but am v v anxious about asking my loved ones to call me by a different name
it still feels weird and i'm still starting. honestly, w my fam they all know i go by gus but they don't call me gus. my little nephew does but he's also too small to talk. so. i'm actually waiting for them to just. call me gus? god idk it's so fucked it's not a good system.
so i work at this grocery store and everyone there calls me gus and they're all very nice and good to me and on the application it was just like: "preferred name?" so i put gus and everyone was fine w that my manager goes by tavo when his name is george so there's already the precedent. nobody knows i'm trans they think i just go by my middle name which, the truth? i guess?
once my sister came by and called me by my first name and then they called me by my first name for a bit until i told them not to bc i go by my middle name and then they stopped? but that wasn't a fun day.
my sister today called me gus without prompting for the first time ever today so i hope everyone just gets the message and does it without asking. i don't wanna have to ask for it which i know is dumb. i just want them to do it. but they've asked me a lot if i want them to and i've told them it's fine which isn't an answer so i can't fault them for not reading my mind.
my gf has always called me gus, and my friends all called me gus. that one took quite a bit of bravery and a little bit of weed, but i eventually told them what i needed or what i really did was let them know i was now going by gus w new people and that i would let them know when i was ready. and then i texted our gc being like "gus time <3" when i was high and they got the message.
whenever i run into a friend who doesn't know i'll usually just be like "it's gus now" and they'll be like, "okay, pronouns?" and i'll be like ":(" and they'll be like "???" and i'll be like ":////" and then i start talking about my girlfriend or this new pancake recipe i'm messing with. the first couple times it was really really hard. like. impossibly hard. i'm hanging out with a straight friend of mine soon who doesn't know. i've known her since kindergarten and i'm terrified of telling her. but i'm gonna, bc i've known her since kindergarten. i'm hanging out w a very christian friend of mine soon too and we haven't seen each other in three years bc she's been in germany and then texas for school and i'm really nervous about that too. but i will bc ride or die, yk?
listen, sometimes i'm really nervous about the name gus. but my old name wasn't working. and it's okay if it doesn't feel right bc nothing feels right and that's okay.
my cis friend the other day was like: "when are you gonna change your email, it still uses your old name and it's really confusing in my head to email you things."
and i was like: "more confusing in my head babey. when are you gonna take the harry potter stickers off your laptop case"
and like, that's cis priviledge right there. they aren't confused about their names or pronouns so if they're confused about mine it's just something they have to deal with. on the other end of that, however, is me giving them grace for not knowing the answers to questions i have barely begun to ask myself.
Anon, the reality is there is no answer. i hate to say it but that's the brutal truth. to quote stone butch blues, pg. 275:
"'I do need words, Frankie. Sometimes I feel like I'm choking to death on what I'm feeling. I need to talk and I don't even known how. Femmes tried to teach me to talk about my feelings, but it was their words they used for their feelings. I needed my own words—butch words to talk about butch feelings.'
Frankie pulled me tighter. Tears welled up in my eyes. 'I feel like I'm clogged up with all this toxic goo, Frankie. But I can't hear my own voice say the words out loud. I got no language.'
Frankie opened her arms wider, took more of me in. I leaned my face against her arm. She offered me refuge, the way I held Butch Al years ago in a jail cell. 'Frankie, I've got no words for feelings that are tearing me apart. What would our words sound like?' I looked up at the sky. 'Like thunder, maybe.'
Frankie pressed her lips against my hair. 'Yeah, like thunder. And yearning.'
I smiled and kissed the hard muscle of her biceps. 'Yearning,' I repeated softly. 'What a beautiful word to hear a butch say out loud.'
i think another piece of it is that our genders aren't stagnant, you know? like i can have a name in college and shed my skin and grow into a new person with a new name whenever i want. it's my name.
I lost someone close to me and they had so much in common with me and i so badly wanted to sit with them and talk to them on a street curb and figure it out with them and they put a bullet in their head so maybe i didn't know them that well how did they even get a gun.
i wish i could just say my name is gus and not worry about so many things but i am filled with anxiety it rattles around in my fingertips and types out this missive to you and the answer you're looking for is yes. i am nervous. i feel weird.
tomorrow i will also feel nervous and weird.
one day i will be very old and regret i wasn't even braver than i feel i am trying to be.
today i regret not doing this all in highschool when i first started wanting to. Tomorrow morning i will buy myself a binder. you have my word.
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arabnico · 4 years ago
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Alright take 2 lets go bois: nonbinary nico hcs!
tired of cis “people” so non-binary nico thoughts here we go!!!!
- honestly i think xe never “officially” comes out as non-binary. the only two people they told directly were reyna and hazel and both of them just started using they/xe/he pronouns to refer to nico in front of everyone else
- i just think that because self-acceptance seems way more important to nico than societal validation so xe just doesn’t feel like making a big deal out of coming out
- and people pick up on it just like that
- yes xe uses xe/xem pronouns because neopronouns are sexy and because xe’s autistic and therefore unique relationship with and grasp on gender that kid just does Not want to be perceived
- you know that meme that’s like “autistic people 🤝 people with trauma 🤝 non-binary people : wishing they didn’t have a body” well that’s exactly nico
- let nico free of xyr flesh prison fools
- i doubt they’d transition because it’s relatively hard and sometimes impossible for disabled people to transition but xe just does whatever makes him comfortable and ride on those Good Gender Feels
- gender expression isn’t a big deal to them he doesn’t have a specific goal when it comes to what they want to look like and pass as xe just wears whatever thinks feels cool and has a good texture™️ and gives good gender vibes
- but what xe doesn’t know is that he gives gender envy to EVERY non-binary person that crosses their path
- not because of their clothes or looks or whatever i mean it could be but usually it’s the way they carry xemself and how he just OWNS it (autism authenticity babyyyyyy)
- also they do not look cis/gender conforming or whatever At All if defying the gender binary was incarnated into a person that’d be nico
- not a non-binary hc but nico is chubby so you better picture xem like that at the moment that’s all <3
- i think they would prefer skirts because 1) they’re rad and cool and he can style them whatever way xe wants and 2) it’s just easier to move in them and it’s less restricting and the texture just feel better than pants. also xe likes the way they look in skirts it gives xem gender euphoria
- he’s arab therefore they had their ears pierced approximately 3 seconds after birth and they’re constantly wearing earrings. most of the times it’s like skeletons and bats and he has one earring that’s like a snake that goes through the piercing on the lobe and wraps around xyr entire ear
- they always have their nails painted either black or dark green but they’re NEVER chipped you hear me never he cannot stand chipped nail polish
- xyr hair is long and very curly and just frames around his face in a Really cool way. the tips are dyed turquoise and he rocks that look like nobody’s business.
- i always circle back to my nico is a learning nerd agenda so i just think xe reads a lot of trans theory like stone butch blues and transgender warriors and the gender accelerationist manifesto yes theory reading legend
- rainbow capitalism bad BUT they have a non-binary flag sticker on xyr wheelchair. you’ll take that away from my cold dead hands.
- that’s very self indulgent but in arabic they don’t like masculine/singular “he” pronouns and like there’s no gender neutral alternative so xe goes by "هم" (masculine plural pronouns)
in conclusion they are non-binary xe does not belong to cis “people” he is nothing like y’all !!! stop pushing your agenda on someone normal !!!
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