#here i am. once again. feeling lost | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

y-eontan · 6 months ago

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how do. how do people not strip their screws

#liiiisten listen. i tried so hard not to strip them and yet.#here i am. once again. feeling lost

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everkait · 6 months ago

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i’ve recently come to the conclusion that, unfortunately, i’m panlix trash. and like, what am i supposed to do with that information? what am i supposed to do? this ship is dead. i’m literally 11 years late to the party. 5 days ago i didn’t even know felix fucking existed, let alone that someone shipped him with pan. the only reason why i was even thinking about getting back into ouat after an 8-year absence was peter pan and then suddenly felix is there and i’m like whattt? what- this wasn’t planned- this wasn’t supposed to happen. let me obsess over my little maniac child-kidnapping devil in peace felix, go away, we don’t want you here. but apparently we DO! goddamn it. now i don’t know which one i like more. is it the mischievous demon-kid or his most loyal and favourite lost boy? arrgh. the horror.

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grvntld · 7 months ago

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26 may 2024—got my much wanted (((and needed))) pamper sesh (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ im so happeh like yay!

𖡼⊱✿⊰𖡼 hand spa x foot spa × hot stone massage × microdermabration and perfectio x face therapy

𖡼⊱✿⊰𖡼 miss v, the one who attended to me, told me my hands are like a baby's bc theyre actually already soft prior to the hand spa lol

𖡼⊱✿⊰𖡼 i supah dupah mega ovah missed doing this!

𖡼⊱✿⊰𖡼 gosh tell me why did i stop doing this again???¿?? right, life happened—

𖡼⊱✿⊰𖡼 felt like a princess—nawp, wait, scratch that hMpf i felt like a dyosa fairy queen thank you very much

#grabe im so doing this again gRrRRRrRRRrrrrrr #ang saya ko kasi im doing things for mahself again #which no one has stopped me naman like even moosey kept telling me that i could do everything i want naman #and he will support me naman like kahit saang dagat ko pa gustuhing pumunta lol #namention niya yun kasi lately na-open up ko na plan ko magfreedive #and he was like oo nga diba matagal mo na yan gusto gawin #and then i was like oo nga noh why am i stopping mahself ba from doing things like?¿¿?¿?¿¿?#eniwey ive been doing a lot of things talaga that i love lately hehe pati nga yung mga matagal ko na gusto itry #nagpainting lessons me!!!!! sa church namin!!!!! IM SO HAPPEH HUHUHUHU #been a while since i held a paint brush like last time was high school pa ko #would u believe me if i tell u i was our batch's associate head artist for our school mag and paper #yEp once upon a time i was THAT kind of artist #and then 🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋 happened so i rlly lost touch doon sa creative aspect slash side ko na yun #like me being a writer is still with me pero yung one with the colors grabe nawala talaga kasi nagkaroom me ekis experience #so ayOrn we r going to hv another painting sesh soon!!!!! flowers naman ata hehehehehehehe #im so happeh kasi may mga ganitong activities sa church and i feel like im going back to my roots ganOrn #tapos nagstart na rin me practical driving classes ko sa car hehehe next is motorcycle maybe after this week #drivers license here i come!!!!!!!!!#tapos maybe freediving or ewan ko pa how abt sewing hehehehehhehe #gosh ang saya ko #may moments of lungkot pero dama ko rin yung gaan ykwim #naiiyak ako anUe bAaaaaaaaAAAaa #donut #cottoncandy #icecream #cookie #i did not check this for errors so excuse me if you ever see anything #skl ; 🦇 ba

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pjsk-headcanons · 4 months ago

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forrr the song bingo, netsu ijou/heat abnormal🧡or literally any iyowa song I love iyow

as far as i know there are 3 iyowa songs in prsk so i did all of them 🔥🔥🔥

netsu ijou (heat abnormal)

kyu kurarin

living millenium

(can you tell i like iyowa)

(blank under cut)

(game by @/ssruis)

#not a headcanon #sorry for not answering these for a while lol but here i am once again feeling lostt but now and then #i breath it in to let it go #and you dont know where you are now or what it would come to #if only somebody would hear. and you figure out how lost in the moment you disappearrr #you dont have to be afraid to put your dream in action #youre never gonna fade you'll be the main attraction #ah shit i started singing the victorious theme song

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suffercerebral · 7 months ago

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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar #no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new #but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term #so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now #so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but #it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out #that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance #so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial #but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal #although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive #i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary #ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness #which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days #and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself #im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles #but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy #and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me #i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this #i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself #im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body #im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up #and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please #and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching #between numbness and overwhelming agony #what the fuck am i talking about

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kozidraws · 9 months ago

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#gonna ramble about irl here so people don't have to read it unless they want to #so because I got covid and couldn’t leave my bed I've essentially lost my job #I've told my manager I'm okay to go back to work #even if my body is still sore #but she's only given me a 3 hour shift a week #and you guessed it!#it's the late shift #the one where it takes me almost 2 hours to get home from #she's being so petty with me #and I am so behind in rent #I've applied for government assistance and I have a meeting with them tomorrow #I really hope they can help because I feel awful #I'm also annoyed at myself because I can't find my knee brace ANYWHERE #I thought I could find one for around $10 but nope!#the closest stores selling them are like $25+ so that's fun #I don't know when I'll be able to draw again #I'm so stressed again about money and secueing work #hopefully once I can get govt assistance at least I can enjoy life again #also I tried to ask the zine that still owes me money if they could finally send payment but they still keep delaying it with excuses #I'm so desperate it's shameful

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emopulco · 1 month ago

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more of my rook thoughts

(with maybe some light spoilers on emmrich romance)

#once again read at your own risk of the mild spoilers #veilguard spoilers #so ever since I found one of my rook’s caretakers(?) in the necropolis I have been trying to come up with more lore #and the caretaker’s bones are clearly not qunari bc lack of horns but if I squint enough it still works #so I have removed the blight from my rook in the sense he’s not blighted but he was at risk of dying v young (at like 3/4) bc of necrosis #caretaker might have been someone close to rook’s parents who knew some mourn watcher who could help with mort’s necrosis injury #but also someone not that experienced with the necropolis itself & ended up getting lost and attacked by undead #they ultimately managed to save mort but died themselves due to undead or a fall #cue watchers finding mort all alone in a tomb and taking him in #crypt baby mort who gets easily cured of the necrosis but also ends up somehow really reckless regarding death #insert here emmrich who’s deathly afraid of dying #plus think of all the angst like I personally would feel horrible taking emmrich on missions knowing he’s scared of dying #but also emmrich is the only one he’s been able to connect to in the veilguard so far and mort loves being around him #I am yapping so much sorry I love the necromancer gays

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fadewalking · 1 month ago

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Ok I have beef with Harding now, too.

#spoilers in the tags #my only friends here are emmerich; taash; darvin: and ironically Solas.#no fucking way am i saving her from her blind hatred of ALL ELVES right now #when will this infuriating bs end #how dare she blames the elves for this #oh we built our world on the end of yours did we?#YOU MEAN THE WORLD WHERE WE'RE ALMOST EXTINCT AS A RACE AND WHATS LEFT OF US ARE NOMADIC/ENSLAVED/POOR?#THAT WORLD? THE WORLD FOR THE ELVES?#you people are OUTTA YER GOTTDAMN MINDS.#ik this is like Dark! Corrupted! Harding but it doesnt draw from anything that she doesnt genuinely feel on some level.#this is like finding out your cishet ally friend has a secret reddit that theyre homophobic on #This is like if a gay man killed your father so you hate all gay people on principle #im relating this to lgbt+ bc its the most salient marginalized group i identify with #like i get some people ruined your entire race and society forever #but the same people youre blaming for it NOW also lost their entire race/culture from those people #i will NEVER shut up about this.#i already apologized to harding once #twice actually. after it was first revealed what evanuris did. and now i regret both apologies. i take them back.#i do not apologize. and if im given the option to again after this quest i absolutely refuse #@modern elves they could never make me blame you for anything.#is anyone gonna speak up for the elves here or do i have to just do everything myself?#Bellara is on this guilt train and Darvin seems like he couldnt really care less about his Elven identity anyway.#and naturally not like any other race is gonna jump to the Elves' defense #im assuming anyway. that'd be a shockingly nice surprise. but when have they ever?#i am bitter lol

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tennessoui · 2 years ago

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About to go reread all your mob aus ✌️💙

!!

🤔🤔🤔🤔

new mob au obi-wan is the mob boss and anakin is actually just like. a normal civilian this time. no thoughts of murder, no bloody past, no bloodlust. just some dude, but he ends up seeing something he shouldn't and then taking out one of obi-wan's men when they go to make sure he stays quiet and obi-wan...likes that a bit too much

so instead of killing anakin, he threatens him into working for him occasionally.....after all, he has a wife and kids so he's pretty easy to threaten into compliance, either by threatening the kids directly or threatening to use his influence to charge anakin with the murder of his man

fast forward a bit and there's nothing obi-wan starts to like more than seeing the mayor's husband standing in his office with red hands giving him a report on what his wife and the police are gonna try to do next to clean up crime and corruption in the city.

and then eventually there's a shift down the line where anakin starts to think obi-wan is doing more for this city than anyone else and he's really actually helping people, giving them food and shelter and controlling the violence.......so anakin becomes a turncoat voluntarily, spying on his wife and her political friends and going to obi-wan to tell him things like what the police commissioner talks about after four glasses of win

and then the threats become rewards when they fall into bed together and there was no way obi-wan saw all this coming but he's always known skywalker would be a wise investment

#asks #obikin #longterm investment au #mob aus are something that can be so varied and personal tbh #in this one i can see anakin being someone who grew up very poor/on the streets #lost his mom younger #idk maybe he even worked for obi-wan's mob when he was a kid as a runner or something #and obi-wan digs those records up and blackmails him to work for him again #so many interesting options #once again i am sorry padme #lol at me saying this is normal civilian anakin #and then breaking him and pushing him off the civilian cliff #tbh i find civilian anakin in a mob au ooc it just doesnt feel right #here he starts as a civilian but it doesnt take long #but we can still make this one squeamish about killing people #even though its also ooc lol #dark

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longagoitwastuesday · 3 months ago

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Going through the Utahim.e tag had me checking several times if at some point I had clicked on the G.ojo/Utahim.e one instead

#It's mainly the ship and mainly ship art. Very pretty btw. There's people with gorgeous styles there #There isn't even a lot of x reader fics haha I guess people don't want to bang Utahime?#Anyway... lowkey wished this happened with Ijichi lol #I so wanted Ijichi to mention or even hint at a mention of Gojo one last time like they did with Nanami #If nothing else for the weight of it all. The weight of feeling your youth dying piece by piece alongside the people who made it out #And everything it implies #Art of Shoko dealing with Gojo's death even in a cold way always strikes hard for that motive but I always love it #with pretty much everyone of those years. There was one piece I saw once that was not explicitly or necessarily romantic about Utahime #being hit by Gojo's death and I don't recall exactly how it was (I think I may have queued it?)#but it moved me more than any piece more clearly emotional that I had seen before #I don't know. I thought it held the potential of that. That weird uncomfortable heartbreaking feeling #of hearing bad news about old friends or classmates and how it makes you realise the weight of time #They suffered and accident. They tried to kill themselves. They are very sick. Their sibling or parent died. And you knew these people #You saw them daily for years. Maybe you weren't close but you knew these people. They cut my bangs when I was eight and I punched them #I tripped over them playing hide and seek and we both lost at the same time. We both hated each other's favourite teacher #They borrowed my pen once and then never gave it back. I once drenched them at the fountain after PE and it was winter but they laughed #Their mother got mad though. Now she's dead. We were made to sit together in French class in middle school. They loved to keep their hair l #Now they're sick and have lost their hair #Their little sibling was so annoying always trying to make us play with them during recess too. It was kinda cute. Now they're dead #I don't know. That kind of stuff #Utahime boosts Gojo and then he dies. Shoko opens him up to make a tool of his body #Ijichi accompanies another kid to clean after him in the meanwhile. And then the realisation hits. He is dead #He was annoying. He was my friend. He was so rude #He had such a sweet tooth. He laughed so loudly. He used to lean over people when talking with them #We were kids once. We are here now. He isn't here anymore. Some of us haven't been here anymore for a long while. It's been so long #He was still young. I am still young. We felt so old. At times it feels as if the time back then didn't happen at all.#And now he's dead and oh it's true he was so annoying but he also had such a sweet tooth. I forgot. What do I do with this memory now?#At times it felt as if the time back then didn't happen at all but then at times it shone through. He brought it back #He asked me a favour knowing I wouldn't betray his secret. He still teased the same way. He still leaned on people. But now he's dead #I don't know if I'm explaining myself well xD I think it's a pretty common emotion when it happens.Oh I forgot to censore words again sorry

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spark1edog · 8 months ago

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kinda wild how growing up i was an older sister with a younger brother, then from 14-21 i was an older brother to a younger brother, and now im an older brother to a younger sister!

#my mom and dad wanted a girl and a boy in that order when they were having me #someone once put his hand on my moms stomach and said ‘it’s gonna be a boy!’ and she was like haha silly. i just got the ultrasound sooo #and then here i am 13 years later coming out #and one of my dads major grievances with me being trans is that he feels like his d a uGht er. DIED 😢#but not so #he’ll just maybe never know that he has a daughter again :/#he lost his chance #punktalk #transgender

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veloriium · 1 year ago

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i always feel weird posting even a little hint of my personal life anywhere but i guess i need to remind others and myself that i am a real person

#- lorii rambles #i lost someone very very close to me 8 months ago and the grief is hitting me strangely hard tonight im not sure why #i guess the combination of music im listening to and those tiktok web weaving things about living and grieving what once was #i guess the combination of those made me think things over #she is in the ground and yet here i am #it feels so selfish of myself #she will never know my accomplishments in life and she will never attend my graduation #i go on for her but i feel like she should still be here #cancer sucks. especially getting it so late in life #anyways . please don’t dm me about anything or talk to me about this lol again i feel weird posting about. y personal life #but i have nowhere else to go which sounds really depressing but i never did get a grief councilor or therapist or something like that #and my family is not a big emotion talker family aside from the few weeks after it happened #and i don’t feel like making another side venting account #anyways ^_^

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qucintly · 1 year ago

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Once again I have been very busy with writing projects and other irl things. I really want to get things restarted down here, so how about this impromptu starter/plotting call?

Like or Reblog to be added to the list of starters to be written, and feel free to DM me either through the Tumblr IM or Discord(if you have me added here) if you want a specific plot!

#♢ W E GROW IN N U M B E R S ♢ ---> 🔍 STARTER CALL 🔎#♢ S O MANY SHADES OF G R E Y ♢ ---> 🔍 PLOTTING CALL 🔎#HERE I AM #ONCE AGAIN #FEELING LOST AND NOW IM--#here..#im here for real this time

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graviconscientia · 1 year ago

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I have been left alone with my thoughts too frequently as of late. I do not know what to do with myself right now. There are not enough distractions to keep me afloat. I can only hope all this shall pass soon enough.

#ic #I do not want to be 8 sweeps old again.#I cannot bear to feel as lost and lonely as I once was.#But in choosing to be here and in fighting to stay too much has been dredged up.#I see flashes of people I will never see again in new faces that do not know who I once was.#It is not their fault that I am wounded.#I am sorry for what I am.#Know that this is no one's fault or burden to bear.#I will figure this out eventually.

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noxtivagus · 2 years ago

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i'll read more from now on again

#🌙.rambles #so much to just think about n i'm lost in my own lil world #tmrrw gna have to face reality again bcs of school :c but. yk lately this year i think i've already developed lots #this past week has been especially formative.#i crave n yearn.. intimacy so much. i want to just be free like that. bcs i'm safe in my own self n. too much to say but #i think it's lonely. being out a lot today made me realize that. all these barriers in communication is so.. lonely #i want to read so much more for so many reasons but here with what i've already laid out the first reason i'll say is #i want to understand others better i want to even further expand my own thinking n just learn so much more #n then.. goddamn i want to write too. write so much so i could #it hurts. it hurts so much i feel like i know n think n feel more than i should n the wisdom is breaking me apart i don't know how to put it #into words. maybe that's why i've been afraid to start new things despite my insatiable curiosity n passion.#afraid of how it'll fill me with even more & i'm not sure how i'd manage. i feel as though i understand life differently than most..#most people around me at least. i see myself in musicians. artists. writers.#people who create once they've taken in much as well. people like me but.. it's been rather disturbing when i realize how most of them end #up like. n i wonder. i just wonder so much. n wish n dream that maybe i could end up differently.#i want so desperately to break out of the chains of reality of society of.. all those. idead that are taught to us n internalized ever since #we were born? i don't know how to write it and i don't think words could ever do it justice. but i want to truly be who i am at heart.#and yet being self-aware i suppose is confusing in such a bittersweet way. there's so much more that i do not know and cannot grasp #& then sometimes at the end of the day i just wonder n dream about if ever i would be more connected with reality. with this world.#regardless of how much one may put out to the world.. it'll never be understood or known in the same way as the one it originates from.#it's lonely. sad. but it makes what we can convey and relate with much more meaningful. n i'm so grateful for those things #n there's also just so much that relates to it n. yeah. is part of it like #the unconscious subconscious n conscious mind #for fuck's sake i want to learn so much it's overwhelming. psychoanalysis n neuroscience n #i want to learn more of others too. i want deep conversations. i want to read more books n listen to more music n just consume more n more #to learn more of the people who created them. everything around us is just so full of life n. it's so beautiful n so overwhelmingly painful.#my helplessness in doing more. i'm aware of why. n it just hurts. it hurts so much but i'm #glad at least that lately i've been more free. more myself. more self-aware n aware of the universe in general. n i look forward to #so much more. but.. yeah i still crave to be 'real' n part of this world in a more 'normal' way at times #i. have so much to write. but for now i'll return to reality with the this.. odd feeling in my chest. not enough too little too much. life

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malachitezmeyka · 10 months ago

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Just cried for two hours straight. It seems that no good mood of mine can last for too long.

#what has it been. a day?#one good day was enough to convince me that maybe not all hope is lost. maybe I can still feel happy #and what a day it was. I’m not surprised I let myself believe that I will be okay. who wouldn’t #I’d give anything to feel like that again. to feel like that all the time #it feels like a glimpse of a parallel universe #one where I’m happy. where I find joy in what I create. but it’s not real. none of it is #it’s a passing feeling. it envelopes me whole until I feel all warm and fuzzy and then douses me in freezing water #it never lasts more than a day or two. then I’m right back to who I really am #a miserable wreck who’d rather die than face what the future might bring #because the future feels both unbearable and nonexistent #I tend to say that the happy and creative girl who finishes art pieces in a matter of hours and types up thousands of word of fic #who rambles on and on without stopping. spurred on by nothing but her imagination #is my real self. that I feel like I’m becoming myself again when I get like that #but that’s just not true. that’s not who I am. not someone I ever was #I never had a pre traumatised self. maybe that is who I would have grown up to be if the circumstances were different #but this is the way things are. the way I am. that girl doesn’t truly exist #if she did she’d be here more often than once in a blue moon #may I should have let go of those stupid dreams of one day being okay long ago #I can’t even say ‘okay again’ because I never have been. it’s almost like I was born broken #maybe then I wouldn’t cry my eyes out every time I’m so harshly reminded of it #no matter how many times this happens I fall for it over and over again. time to accept that none of it is real #nothing makes me happy. not really. it just distract me from my mind long enough for me to catch a tiny break from all the misery #then it call comes rushing back. I don’t even like astraphobia anymore. and I was so so excited when I wrote it and didn’t hate myself #everything fades. everything disappears. all that’s left are the ruins of the girl I never got to be #I keep sobbing my heart out all alone. practically begging for someone to notice and care and tell #me all the pretty lies I’m so desperate to hear and will believe without a doubt. I keep getting excited about something only to #lose my spark within days if not hours. I can barely even look at myself. I make myself sick #I hate myself and everything I’ve ever created #I don’t even know if I’ll make it to my 18th birthday. I can’t promise that I will. I can’t find a single reason to #there’s nothing to look forward to. no future ahead of me. no beautiful afar like in that old song. there’s no point

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