#her vocals cut through the noise really nicely

[konpeitonom]

Pookie I'm BEGGING YOU for a curly x fem reader smut but like he has a rough day and reader asks her to take it out on her so he's like rougher with her than usual 🤭🤭 then there's some nice fluffy aftercare afterwards. As usual take ur time and take breaks!

-🌺 anon

a long day of work, captain grant curly.

nsfw — lowercase intended ^_^

fem reader — content warnings for light choking, degrading.. he’s a bit mean. some creative liberty was taken..

requests are open and heavily encouraged, i write for every mw character ^.^

notes; i don’t like to write full length one shots n such and don’t plan too.. just not my style. so i’ll write this in sort of a headcanon-ny / drabble formatting. just a quick heads up for anyone who requests me! i also.. forgot the fluffy aftercare part.. perhaps another time, or a little pt2 if i feel so inclined..

but this might have been my favorite to write for today. this is my 6th piece for the day (posting in the morning..) thank you for ur request anon..

nsfw under the cut! minors do not read

— curly after a long, tiring day of work, all he wanted was to see your pretty face. it always made him feel better. everytime he opens that door, he’ll hear, “welcome home!!”, “you were working for so long, can’t you cut back your hours?”, “i missed you so much. quit that stupid job, please?” .. you get the point.

— he seems extra tired today. even after dinner, a nice bath, some tv, he still looks so stressed! you have to do something. isn’t there anything you can do?

— eventually he ends up venting about work, how stressed he is. he doesn’t like to but he knows you don’t mind. one thing led to another and he was on top of you.

- ♡

“curly.. you know, you don’t have to hold back as much as you do..” you say, your hands on his arms. your fingertips trace his muscles just slightly, as a way to ease him into the idea.

he groans at that thought. god, he really needs to let it all go. but he can’t do that. he really can’t, “what are you talking about?” he said, playing dumb. but you were able to see through him, of course you were.

“curly..”

“no, i can’t.”

“please.. you can take it all out on me. please? i want it. i really do. don’t you want it too?” you respond so desperately.

- ♡

— you knew your husband well. he’d only do it to make you happy. and if that was it? then he can’t say no.

— he’s a bit soft at first. he’s still holding back. just be patient with him, it’ll take awhile for him to get a bit rough the way he does.

— one of his hands holds tightly onto the bed frame, the other on your shoulder keeping you down. his pace is regular but his thrusts are much rougher, you can feel his dick bruising your insides.

— please be vocal.. it tells him you’re enjoying it too. even all pent up and stressed, he’s prioritizing you’re pleasure. even like this, he’ll make sure you cum first.

- ♡

your mouth is wide open, the prettiest noises coming out of it. he looks down at you, his eyes a bit squinted as he places a hand on your neck. you nod gently as to reassure him it was okay, and that’s when he pressed down.

he lets out a low groan, “fuck, do you like that? seriously?” he teased, his tone mean. you didn’t expect that from him, but it was more than welcome.

“god, should’ve told me sooner.” he said, as he pushed down just a bit- pushing the boundaries of what was you’re regular, “look at you. you’re such a mess. i wish you could see your face right now, it’s fucking pathetic.”

- ♡

— you can tell he feels bad, but small reassurances fuel him. so just nod and smile and he’ll continue.

— at this point his pace quickens and he’s rough with it. his hand that isn’t wrapped around your neck like a vice, is on your hips- digging deep into your skin.

— he’d then turn you over to your tummy, making you go on all fours as he pulls your hair back. kind of like a leash. his dick balls deep into your pussy still.

— god, he was so rough. it hurt, you can’t lie. but it felt so good, so good to know that the sensitive man you married has a side to him that only you have the pleasure of feeling.

— “fuck. seems like you enjoy being used like this. yeah? like a fucking toy? why didn’t you say so before then?” he’d whisper into your ear.

— he cums at the sight of your eyes rolled back to make eye contact with him, your tongue a bit out as you moan uncontrollably. maybe it was also the teardrops that stained your face. you looked pitiful, really.

— “are you okay?” he’d whisper in your ear. he felt bad for cumming first. but he couldn’t help it. he could only hope you wouldn’t be too upset.

— that’s when he’d turn you over to your back to see your face much more clearly. if you tell him now that you need a break, he’s happy to do so- then please you. no harsh words, just love.

— but if you nod, tell him it’s okay- and that you want to continue. you’re in for a long night, because at that slight nod he’s already shoved his dick back in you. he’s desperate, and you’re willing to give it to him.

[dancegender]

Heyyy, I wrote a one-shot for N x Thad that I'm posting. Prompt was 'playing video games' by @astronic-fr but there's honestly more setup than actual video games. Not a great writer, but I hope you guys like it anyway.

Storming Outside, But We're Safe In Here

Thad sighed, pausing his video game and standing up. After maybe an hour of walking and fruitless search, he finally managed to locate the dungeon he was looking for. Deciding to take a break before he went in, he propped himself against his wall to listen to the howling of the blizzard outside. He didn't really care for storms so much, but the wind was a pretty good source of background noise.

Right as he caught himself zoning out, Thad was startled back into sentience by a rather loud knock on the front door. He heard his mom call out, followed by a bit of shuffling and some footsteps. It wasn't until the door opened that he heard screaming and jumped to his feet, bolting towards the living room.

"Mom! What's going-" Thad started to speak but cut himself off, taking in the sight in front of him. His mother, still screaming, stood in the front doorway. Shoe in hand, she was swinging at a poor drone who was desperately trying to get a sentence out.

"Ma'am, please, I'm- ow! Not trying to- ouch! Hurt anyone- ow!"

Moving closer, Thad could see that is wasn't just a random drone at the door. It was N, Thad's newest friend, his body almost completely crusted over with ice. With some effort, Thad managed to position himself in front of N.

"Mom, mom, calm down! N's cool, he's not hurting anything."

Thad's mom paused mid-strike, staring blankly at her son. "THAT'S the N you were talking about?" She turned to face N. "I am so sorry! I've heard plenty of good things about you, but I never heard you were a disassembly drone."

"Oh, it's no big deal, don't worry about it," N's voice was a little hoarse when he spoke, like he was still waiting for his vocal cords to thaw out. He looked a mess, too, with his hair stuck up frozen in places and the small chunks of ice that hung from his visor; he was lucky drones couldn't get frostbite. This didn't seem like the charming, sweet, happy-go-lucky N that Thad was accustomed to.

"Come inside, N, you look like you could use some warming up." Thad was brought back to the present by his mom's voice. N simply shook his head.

"Oh no, It's fine. I just wanted to drop off this," N dug around in his pocket before pulling out a puzzle cube, holding it out to Thad. "You forgot it last time you stopped by the spire. Thought I'd return it and pop back home."

Thad accepted the cube, narrowing his eyes. "You flew all the way out here, through a blizzard, to return my puzzle cube. And now you want to leave, flying back through the blizzard again."

"Yes...?" N fidgeted, suddenly appearing to notice that the workers were staring at him like he'd lost his mind.

"Yeah, no, Uzi'd kill me if I let you do that," Thad grabbed N's hand, wincing at how cold it was, and dragged him through the door. "You're staying here, at least until the storm lets up."

It took maybe 10 minutes of negotiation, a few fuzzy blankets, and one very intense mom stare to convince N to wait out the blizzard. After warming up, N thankfully started to resemble himself again. Thad led him down the hall to his bedroom, picking up his controller and flopping down on the bed.

"Your mom's nice," N remarked, sitting down gently on the bed next to him. "Kinda thought you'd have your own place, though."

"Eh, not really," Thad sat up, gesturing vaguely over his shoulder. "There's only so much living space in an underground bunker, and it's a long process to add more. It's pretty normal to not move out for a while, just 'cause there's not a whole lot of places to move to."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense..." N noticed the screen mounted on the wall. "Ooh, whatcha playing?"

"Skyrim," Thad unpaused his game, walking up the grand dungeon's steps. "I was just about to raid this dungeon. You wanna try?" He held the controller out to N, who took it carefully.

"Sure!" N opened the dungeon door, barging right into the bandits gathered at the entrance. They began attacking, which prompted N to run in circles helplessly. "Thad, they're stabbing me."

Thad wasn't much help, though. He was laughing rather loudly, resting on N's shoulder to keep himself upright. "Yeah, they tend to do that," he managed in between breaths. "You've gotta hit 'em back. Press X and use the triggers."

N obeyed, watching Thad's weapons come into view. In the right hand, he held a shimmering, pale green dagger. In the left, a swirling mass of deep red. N pressed the right trigger, affectively slashing the bandit in front of him, who promptly burst into flames.

"Woah!" N laughed, whirling around to strike another bandit. Thad closed his eyes briefly, taking in the sound of N's laughter. They'd really only ever met under serious circumstances, so the casual cheer in his friend's voice was a welcome change of pace. N turned around, activating the reddish aura sitting in his left hand.

"That's a spell attack," Thad explained. He pushed himself off of N, remaining close enough for their shoulders to still be touching. "Don't use it too much, though, it drains your Magicka."

They managed to get through the dungeon rather quickly, easily killing the bandit chief. Now, all that was left to do was to collect the bounty money.

"Hey Thad, how do I-" N turned towards his friend, starting to ask a question, but cut himself off abruptly. Thad hadn't noticed himself leaning into N during their quest. He only realized just how close they were when N's cheek came into contact with his own, a thin stream of electricity sparking between their faces.

They stayed frozen like that for a while, neither entirely sure of what to do. A steady blush fizzled to life in the corners of both their visors to accompany their wide eyes. Their weird trance was finally broken by the sounds of snarling coming from the game.

"Shit, we're dying!" Thad shook N slightly, motioning to the wolves of the screen. Snapping back to reality, N strengthened his grip on the controller.

"Biscuits!" N readied his weapons, swiftly taking out the wolf pack. Turning back to Thad, his usually animated expression was nearly unreadable.

"You good?" Thad asked quietly, hesitantly raising a hand to rest on N's back. N grabbed his wrist, quickly moving Thad's hand to his face instead. He kept his own hand on the back of Thad's, relaxing slightly into the touch.

"Yeah, I... I think I'm good," N's voice was uncharacteristically quiet. Thad offered a small smile, using his free hand to brush some of the hair out of N's eyes.

"Well, that's good," Thad brought his hand briefly to the other side of N's face before grasping his jacket and yanking him forwards, causing them to both fall back on the bed. N yelped, dropping the controller.

"Really, dude?" He said, propping himself up on his elbows. Thad barked out a laugh in place of a real response, and N laughed too, loud and bright and wonderful. Thad sat back up, grabbing the discarded controller and accessing the world map. N followed suit, snaking his arms around Thad's torso and resting his chin on Thad's shoulder.

In all his life, Thad never thought that he would be grateful for a blizzard. Now, though, he wondered if he'd ever be this grateful for a blizzard again.

[byjillianmaria]

As I dive into the umpteenth draft of A Colder Home, I decided to do a meta dump similar to the one I did for Behind You! Very similar, actually... you'll notice that all of the photos are more or less in the same place. And that is because I am lazy. But not too lazy to ramble about inspirations under the cut!

SONGS

Once again, my eight track playlist for this WIP goes extremely hard, and once again, I could easy ramble about all eight of those tracks. I will stick to the three I selected for this graphic.

This Unrest by Siouxsie and the Banshees - In general, I associate this WIP with a lot of post-punk and goth rock, so of course I had to lead with an iconic goth rock band. The lyrics are haunting and capture a feeling of deep unease, which is the sort of feeling that pervades this book. Also, there are a lot of weird vocalizations in this... gasping noises that sound like someone being strangled, along with echoing, ghostly shouts. Both become very relevant.

Blue by The Birthday Massacre - I started associating this song with A Colder Home immediately upon hearing it. It absolutely calls to mind a house haunted by ghosts that are slowly being twisted by their anger the longer they stick around, the singing switching back and forth between calm and violent. The lyrics even reference a car crash! And the notion of "casting shadows in a pale shade of blue" does remind me of limited light making its way through snow-caked windows...

Double Dare by Bauhaus - Okay, I'm going to be real with you. I don't associate the lyrics of this song so much with this WIP. I mean, if you want to stretch it, you can say that Cleo's whole arc deals with her learning to "dare" to hope and to not live her life ruled by fear, but that's about it. What really gets this song for me is the heavy, oppressive instrumental. It absolutely sounds like a house that's weighted down with decades of pain and anger and guilt... a house that is now reflecting those emotions in destructive, violent ways.

BOOKS

Writing that influenced A Colder Home! Like the books I referenced for Behind You, I wouldn't consider these comp titles, just inspirational.

My Heart is a Chainsaw by Stephen Graham Jones - SGJ is such an influential horror writer for me, with The Only Good Indians probably being one of my favorite books of all time, and is also a heavy influence for A Colder Home as far as pacing and tone. I haven't actually finished MHIAC yet — I have to read it slowly, because Jade's specific flavor of paranoia does not play very nicely with mine — but I included it as the reference title here because, like A Colder Home, its main character is a teenaged horror movie nerd.

The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson - I mean, Hill House is THE haunted house novel. Of course I'm going to include it as a reference! The opening paragraphs of this novel are burned into my mind, and its characterization of a haunted house definitely influences how I write the house on Brewer Street. I'd also be pretty remiss not to bring up the Mike Flanagan adaption here... while it's decidedly its own thing separate from the novel, his specific brand of emotionally-fueled horror writing has definitely left its mark on me.

The Shining by Stephen King - I mean. A Colder Home is a book about people trapped by snow in a haunted location. Need I say more? Interestingly, both of these books also deal with themes of alcoholism and addiction, although they come from very different emotional places. Cleo also references the Stanley Kubrick movie at one point, which is, again, very different from the book. But as a film nerd, I think it makes sense that she'd think of that over the book... I do also wonder if the film's less sympathetic portrayal of Jack Torrence might have stuck with her more. She probably wouldn't like me pointing that out, though.

The Fall of the House of Usher by Edgar Allan Poe - Another work that gets directly referenced in the book! It's not a direct comparison or anything, but it gets referenced early, and over time more parallels can be drawn... Overall, thematically, this borrows a lot when it comes to complicated family dynamics, skepticism vs. rationality, and that sort of overall inevitability/hopelessness thing that goes on.

VIDEO GAMES

I'm not much of a gamer myself, but the way that the medium is able to tell horror stories is fascinating! I've enjoyed watching Let's Plays of both of these titles.

P.T. by Kojima Productions - P.T. was a playable teaser for a (tragically) scrapped Silent Hill game, and it remains one of the absolute creepiest things I have ever seen in my life. The sound design haunts me... every time I hear something that sounds like that creaky light, I break out in goosebumps. I cannot replicate the feeling of this thing in ink and paper, but goddamn it if I'm not going to at least try. Also, you can definitely feel Lisa's design in Virginia, one of the main ghosts of A Colder Home, haha.

Devotion by Red Candle Games - I'm really fascinated by the way the story unfolds in this, how the player is given these little vignettes and has to piece the story together from that. I think you can sort of see that in the way I approach some of the ghost scenes in A Colder Home... but, also, I'm very inspired by just how personal this game feels. The little details in the set design just really add to the sense that you know these characters, and makes the scares hit all the harder.

POETRY

Poetry can express in just a few lines the same emotion that it takes me thousands of words to dig into! One is not better than the other, but I'd lie if I said I wasn't inspired by it.

In The Pines by Alice Notley - Technically, I think the version of it in this graphic is from the song #6 by AroarA, but they pulled their lyrics directly from Alice Notley's book of poetry, so I feel like that's where the attribution lies. This poem absolutely gutted me the first time I read it... It makes me think of loving someone who is unwilling or unable to stop their self-destructive tendencies, and how hopeless that can feel. Which is, really, what's at the core of this book.

Selfishness by Margaret E. Bruner - This book deals a lot with complex feelings of grief, and some of the less savory feelings that comes from that. Anger, guilt, blame... these are all really human and understandable reactions to a loss, especially if that loss is sudden. The horror in A Colder Home comes from watching what happens when those emotions are all that's left... I think that poem really captures that energy.

[rabbitechoes]

2023 has really started to pick up the pace in the last two months. finally, some big releases and teases for big upcoming projects. there’s a lot of stuff i’m excited for. also since new music friday was on the last day of june, some of the tracks released that day will show up on here lol. also also please go listen to George Clanton’s new album!!! i talked about two of the singles in this series before and the whole album is wonderful. feel free to follow me on rate your music and twitter (i’m not calling it X)

“Tied Up!” - Genesis Owusu

◇ featured on STRUGGLER - Genesis Owusu (not yet released) ◇ genres: funk, neo-soul

I loved Genesis Owusu’s last album and had no idea he had already been dropping singles for the follow-up. “Tied Up!” sees him going down a heavier funk direction and I love it. This track is so much fun and the background vocals have been stuck in my head constantly. Can’t wait for the album!

‧₊˚✧ BEST SONG OF THE MONTH ✧˚₊‧ “dazies” - yeule

◇ featured on softscars - yeule (not yet released) ◇ genres: shoegaze, noise pop

These latest singles from yeule are my favorite stuff I’ve heard from them so far. “dazies” is another noisy, dreamy cut from their upcoming album. The shifts in sound always hit hard and the song never feels unbalanced at all. If you loved their last single “sulky baby”, I’m sure you will find something to love with this track as well. If the upcoming album sounds like this then I’m very excited. Could be an album of the year contender.

“Under the Sun” - SPELLLING

◇ featured on SPELLLING & the Mystery School - SPELLLING (not yet released) ◇ genres: darkwave, art rock

I’m a little unsure what this new SPELLLING album is. It seems as though she’s following up her incredible 2021 album, The Turning Wheel, with an album reworking tracks from her previous albums. She dropped new versions of “Under the Sun” (from 2019′s Mazy Fly) and “Cherry” (previously known as “Choke Cherry Horse from her 2017 album Pantheon of Me). I think both tracks are worthwhile, but “Under the Sun” is my favorite of the two. This new version has a bit more force behind it. Everything just feels like a step-up from the original. Like most, I would prefer an album of new material from SPELLLING, but I’m still interested to see how this new album plays out.

“Winter Has Arrived” - This Is The Glasshouse

◇ featured on As Small As Ants - This Is The Glasshouse ◇ genres: chamber pop, indie rock

As Small As Ants is one of my new favorite albums of the year and it deserves so much more attention. A nice blend of chamber pop and indie rock with a ton of cool instrumentation. “Winter Has Arrived” is probably my favorite track on the album. It features a somber vocal performance backed by a soft bass and (i think) some cello picking before ramping up into a beautiful blend of various woodwind instruments. For a project on this small scale, the musicianship is incredibly impressive. Please give this album a listen!

“Rest” - ANOHNI and the Johnsons

◇ featured on My Back Was a Bridge for You to Cross - ANOHNI and the Johnsons ◇ genre: soul

My Back Was a Bridge for You to Cross was my introduction to ANOHNI’s work and after hearing it, I definitely need to go through her previous work. “Rest”, and really the whole album, are driven by her soulful voice. The backing band are very good, but the vocals are easily what stand out the most. The subtle dips in her voice add so much life to these already passionate songs. This track features a lot of bluesy elements as well which are a nice touch. “Rest” perfectly showcases what makes this album great.

“Making The Band (Danity Kane)” - Earl Sweatshirt

◇ genre: cloud rap

This new Earl Sweatshirt single is maybe the most energetic he’s sounded in years. His last few projects have leaned towards a more deadpan, lethargic vibe which honestly worked really well, but this change of pace is very much welcome. The beat has so much energy to it and, while Earl will never be the most bombastic rapper, he really shines on it. I’m not sure if this single is a one-off or if this is leading up to a new project, but either way this song is worth checking out!

“Super Shy” - NewJeans

◇ featured on Get Up - NewJeans ◇ genre: k-pop

I’m not gonna pretend to be well-versed in K-Pop, but I have really enjoyed everything I’ve heard from NewJeans. Especially “Super Shy.” This track is a short and sweet banger that doesn’t waste any time at all. The chorus has been stuck in my head ever since I heard it for the first time. Definitely give this a listen.

“Vampire Empire” - Big Thief

◇ genres: folk rock, indie rock

Big Thief have released the long-awaited studio version of “Vampire Empire” which had previously been premiered on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. This version polarized a lot of fans who had fallen in love with that version, but I think this a great track regardless. The studio version has a bit more of a bite to it. The verses and the chorus all feel so cathartic. Adrianne Lenker’s songwriting also, as per usual, adds to it. Ever since their previous album, I think Big Thief have really come into their own.

“TELEKENISIS” - Travis Scott

◇ featured on UTOPIA - Travis Scott ◇ genres: experimental hip hop, alternative r&b

The long awaited fourth studio album from Travis Scott is finally here! I’m not gonna pretend to be an expert on his work, before this past week I had only listened to Rodeo, but I thoroughly enjoyed UTOPIA. “TELEKENISIS” is my favorite track on the album currently. It is one of the darker sounding cuts on the album and I think it works very well. It also has standout features from SZA and Future. Some ideas on UTOPIA don’t feel fully realized, but I think this song is not an example of that at all.

“What Was I Made For?” - Billie Eilish

◇ featured on Barbie The Album ◇ genre: singer-songwriter

Billie Eilish’s contribution to Greta Gerwig’s great new Barbie movie is probably the strongest on the entire soundtrack. Eilish always shines on somber cuts like these. Her shift into more acoustic instrumentation on some tracks on her last album and especially the Guitar Songs EP has been really interesting. I don’t think this track is as good as the material on that EP, but its still very nice and the way its used in the film secured its spot here.

“Rush” - Troye Sivan

◇ featured on Something To Give Each Other - Troye Sivan (not yet released) ◇ genre: dance-pop, house

I went into this track with low expectations because I haven’t really loved the stuff I’ve heard from Troye Sivan, but I’ll be damned this is a really fun dance track. Probably also helps that its very nice to hear upbeat queer dance music in the face of the shit going on in the world right now. Not much else to say about this song really. I hope the rest of his upcoming album is as good as this.

“vampire” - Olivia Rodrigo

◇ featured on GUTS - Olivia Rodrigo (not yet released) ◇ genres: singer-songwriter, alt-pop

The first single leading up Olivia Rodrigo’s sophomore album is one of her strongest tracks to date. The best songs on SOUR had a bite to them and “vampire” has the most bite (ha ha) out of any of her material thus far. Despite occasionally feeling over-produced, her lyrics feel very earnest. This breakup ballad has fire to it.

“Flex” - Courting

◇ genres: indie rock, post-punk revival

Courting are another interesting band apart of the UK post-punk revival scene. Their debut album last year had a lot of similarities with their contemporaries, but they have a knack for big choruses. “Flex” is no different. If you enjoy this sound, there is plenty to love here.

[angie-j-kay]

Okay, here are my takes from Barbenheimer, and the messages the movies seem to be pushing:

Spoilers under the cut.

Oppenheimer:

If you're autistic, have anxiety, or are generally sensitive to loud scary noises, be warned that this might set you off. This was very much a horror movie, disguised as a historical thing. Also, Christopher Nolan music is Christopher Nolany. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

The great horror wasn't that the people involved were monsters, it was that they were just people. ANYONE handed enough fear and desperation risks becoming this. Yes, even you.

If the monster feels really, really bad about it after, is he still a monster? (Answer: YES, but you still paid to see this movie so now you're culpable too.)

A discussion of how responsible scientists are for what the powerful and cruel do with their inventions.

Ian Malcolm in the first Jurassic Park movie was right. "You were so preoccupied with whether or not you could, you didn't stop and think if you should!"

Hey, it's that actor I had such a crush on when I was 14 and wow, he got old, and OH SHIT I'M OLD TOO... It doesn't matter which actor I'm talking about, MOST of them were that actor to someone or other.

Florence Pugh has nice tits, and Robert Downey Jr. should play more villains. Also, David Krumholz is slowly turning into Alfred Molina.

Spoiler alert: BOOM.

Men suck.

Barbie: This one's gonna get me SO MUCH HATE, because y'all love Barbie, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

They told me it was an empowering movie for women and girls to watch. I went through the whole thing, and was rather insulted by this claim. Yeah, the idea of "women can be whatever we want" was repeated over and over, but the actual movie showed very little of that. Only the DOLLS got to be what they wanted, not the "Real Women."

Barbie not having a vagina is played for laughs, and the first thing that happens when she becomes a Real Woman (Yes, this is a plot point.) is... going to the gynecologist, with her new vagina and uterus. The Mattel board meeting actually had a man ask "I'm a man with no power, does that make me a woman?" How Tumblr hasn't caught the transphobia there is beyond me.

Ha ha, pregnant Midge! Loved that!

Feminism is important, because the patriarchy hurts... Ken. And the other Kens. Look, I get that this plot point was aimed SOLELY at the men who were watching this movie, trying to force them to imagine the role reversal and see how awful it is, but it doesn't change the fact that the main plot point of a supposedly feminist movie was clearly targeted at men. Like... come on.

Why is Will Ferrel here? You could have replaced him with a broken lamp in the corner and the movie would have been just fine.

I can't think of a single time that Barbie invited Ken's company. He pursued her, and she tolerated him because that was just sort of her role and she felt she had to. He respected none of her boundaries, just constantly tried to push past them. Then when he went full incel to the point of violence (Yes, I count brainwashing and enslavement as violence and you should too.) and she defeated him, he threw a screaming, public, self-hatred tantrum until SHE was apologising to HIM and consoling HIM, just a few minutes of screen time after a rant about how unfair it is that women are held responsible for men's bad behavior.

Ruth - "I can't let you become a real woman without you understanding what that means." Ruth - shows a montage of babies and motherhood, with some random crap tacked on the end in hopes that we won't notice that.

Being vocally angry about the patriarchy, racism, and enforced femininity is for dumb, angry teenagers with daddy issues who don't know anything about anything, and growing up into REAL feminism involves pink dresses.

The Velveteen Rabbit walked so that Weird Barbie could somersault while doing the splits.

I did cry when Barbie saw the old woman for the first time and called her beautiful. That was nice.

The boy bands of the early 2000s are finally explained.

The only way out of the patriarchy is by women talking to each other and working together, then... men saying they're sorry and totally promising never to do that again. Because that always works.

I mean, the movie wasn't terrible. It just wasn't made for feminists. It was made to get men angry enough to go see the movie so they'd have something to make angry podcasts about, in hopes that a few of them would start to think about what garbage they're spewing. Also, to sell toys, Hummers and Birkenstocks.

Also, I'm not sure this was Greta Gerwig's fault. This whole thing reeks of studio meddling.

OH, and men suck.

[hey-have-you-heard]

Hey, have you heard these 50 songs from 2024

Here it is: 50 of my favourite songs released in 2024. As always, limited to one song per artist and songs are listed in alphabetical order.

Listen to the playlist here

and check full list of songs below the fold!

Hello Mary - 0%Hello Mary are a new band to me, but this track caught my attention immediately. It’s a frantic, urgent and unexpected blast of noise and creativity. HEALTH ft. Lauren Mayberry - ASHAMEDWhen it comes to choosing collaborators HEALTH never miss. CHVRCHES vocalist Lauren Mayberry sounds like she was made for this, the darker witch housey tone the perfect compliment to her ethereal vocals. Orla Gartland - Backseat DriverThe flourishes of percussion and guitar counter melodies are so delightfully playful on this track, I defy anybody to put this on their headphones whilst out for a walk and not instantly find a little extra dance in their step. 

Gaffa Tape Sandy - Body In The Water This ones for the fun lovers. Stand By Me in song form, with sing song melodies, beautiful harmonies and a full raucous sound expressing nostalgia with every beat.

Destroy Boys - Boyfeel

O’ gender, you ever vexing foe. 

Linkin Park - Casualty

I don’t know what it says that my favourite track on the new Linkin Park album is by far the least they sound like Linkin Park, but this absolutely fucks, Emily’s voice sounds so good on the screams and every time the drums come back in for the chorus is euphoric.

underscores - CCTV

Here it is folks, my SONG OF THE YEAR. I’ve listened to underscores Wall Socket (Directors Cut) possibly in the hundreds of times at this point* and I still get chills everytime I get to CCTV. It’s a beautifully unsettled and haunting song, cryptic and amorphous in its sound. I don’t have the words to fully describe my feelings for this song, they exist outside of language. *Please listen to this album in its entirety, it’s honestly one of the best things I’ve ever heard and I’m not being hyperbolic.

Fat Dog - Closer To God

Ever since BC,NR dropped Opus I’ve been wanting more Klezmer infused chaos. Well Fat Dog are here to deliver in a big way, Closer To God goes hard on both the klezmer AND the chaos. It’s bouncing, it’s thumping, it’s klezmering, it’s Fat Dog BABY!

Glass beach - coelacanth

Coelacanth is prog-rock perfection, building upon a central theme with various perspectives and extrapolations of ideas. Building those ideas into a thesis that pulls together growing to an immensity far beyond the sum of its parts. Nothing is wasted here every beat, every frequency, vital to the cohesion of the whole. An absolute monster of a track.

Architects - Curse

Architects are a band who I always appreciate them trying something different. it, doesn’t always work for me, but always feels like they do it with sincerity and put everything into it. Curse is one of those occasions where it REALLY works for me. There’s elements that sound like All  Our Gods Have Abandoned Us era Architects and then Sam come through with those really nice clean high vocals in the chorus. The juxtaposition is great and really makes the track stand out for me. Great breakdown as well.

Projector - Don’t Give Anything Up For Love

Chorus of the year. Huge chorus. Love it.

Jane Remover - Dream Sequence

Dream Sequence is beautiful slab of gooey shoe gazey goodness wiith a slight hyperpop tint. Definitely one to listen to with headphones, feel all of its gorgeous layers wash over you and ask yourself “if you could go anywhere, would you want to stay here?”

The Cure - Endsong

THEY’RE FUCKING BACK! Endsong fits amongst some of The Cure’s greatest work, it’s a perfect culmination of everything The Cure are and everything they mean to me, and those lyrics... FUCK, those lyrics! You just know when Robert Smith has you holding out over 6 minutes for his first syllable, you’re going to get some absolute gold. Excuse me whilst I sit here and have a little listen and a big cry.

FKA twigs - Eusexua

FKA twigs describes Eusexua as a "sensation of being so euphoric" that one could "transcend human form". When the beat dropped, I fully understand what she meant by this. The suspense built through the first half of the track is released in waves by a pulsing bassline that pushes the track higher and higher. Extra points to FKA Twigs for also creating the music video of the year with Eusexua/The Drums of Death.

Soft Play - Everything and Nothing

I had a real time of it choosing which Soft Play track would make it on this list. On a different day it could have very easily been Worms on Tarmac, but the heart won out on this one. The line “I see your smile in other peoples faces” destroys me every time I hear it. A beautiful, touching song.

Speed - The First TestThe First Test sounds like a solid hardcore track, then the flute hits. Yes, we have flute hardcore.

Better Lovers - Future Myopia

It’s no secret Greg Puciato is one of my favourite vocalists in heavy music and he is on top form here, also the chorus of Future Myopia may be the first song where Better Lovers didn’t sound like somebody mashing together TDEP and ETID* but instead became their own thing entirely, and what that thing is, is GOOD. 

*(don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved God Made Me An Animal)

Lambrini Girls - God’s Country

You can always rely on Lambrini Girls to put things bluntly and succinctly. “Sorry bestie, but it’s giving austerity”. Another banger from some of Brighton’s best.

Heriot - Harm Sequence

I went to a festival a couple of years back where I spent a morning doing about an hour of yoga in a forest and then found myself in a circle pit at 10.30 in the morning while Heriot were playing. I’ve never felt the spiritual peace of yoga leave my body so quickly. This track is pummeling, Vocalist Debbie Gough sounds straight up demonic, and oh when that guitar solo rips in. This is what metalcore should be striving for more.

IDLES - Idea 01

I will stand by Brutalism being Idles greatest album, but Crawler is a close second and Idea 01 carries across many of it’s greatest strengths. Joe Talbot’s contemplative croons, the tape loops and ambient soundscaping, and the way it builds, oh the way it builds.

Lip Critic - In The Wawa (Convinced I’m A God)

I think I’ve called Show Me The Body “If Death Grips were a hardcore band” in the past. Well Lip Critic are like “If a hardcore band were Death Grips” (it makes sense, honest). In The Wawa also feels like it pays just as much to the playfulness of the B-52s or their zoomer counterparts 100 Gecs. It’s an oppressive high energy anxiety inducing noise that you can’t help but smile through. A perfectly executed contradiction.

Charli xcx - I think about it all the time

Confession time - I thought BRAT was kinda mid. I really didn’t get the hype on this one, How I’m Feeling Now was a far superior album. I don’t even think this track is that good, it’s pretty shit from a songwriting perspective, but its inability to make its point with any finesse is kinda why it’s on this list. I have at this point been asked hundreds of times if I am ever going to have, or would ever want, children. My answer is and always has been resolute, I never want to be a parent. That shit ain’t for me. But hearing someone else grapple with these ideas in such a matter of fact, open and honest way it hit me like a gut punch and by god did I have one hell of an existential crisis after listening to this song on loop a few times. So yeah, kinda shit song but it made me feel something, so good art? (Sympathy is a knife is actually the best song on BRAT)

Girl Scout - I Just Needed You To Know

Oh man I just love the drums in this one, the way they skitter around in the verse and the push into the chorus, it’s good stuff. Also you hearing those funky little guitar sounds and that wacky solo? Pure joy.

Kesha - JOYRIDEGet in the clown car motherfuckers, it’s time for a joyride BEEP BEEP. She is finally free and this is a victory lap, she’s earned the right to be like this.

Slotface - Ladies Of The Fight

What would it sound like if Fight Club was a feminist pop punk song? Maybe not a question you’ve ever asked but one you’ve now got an answer to. It sounds like this, it’s fun, it’s tongue in cheek and it’s a bop.

The Armed - Martyr Song

The Armed continue to surprise at every turn, Martyr song starts lives on the more accessible side of The Armed’s repertoire, it’s a nice change of pace almost sounding like a slightly fucked Queens of the Stoneage track, or maybe even The Killers. Then the trumpets come out and things get a bit zany, a bit screamy, and a bit loud, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

High Vis- Mob DLA

High Vis rally their hardcore spirit to let out a vital scream about the state of a government and country that neglects the people most in need and deserving of it’s support. Marginalised communities left to fight for their own survival, simultaneously victimised and villainised whilst the rich keep getting richer and more powerful.

Geordie Greep - Motorbike

Motorbike is a fascinating study of maximalist lyrical and music storytelling. As our narrator falls into a midlife crisis the soundtrack clatters around him, it’s pace increasing with his panicked state growing and building breaking into something new as he envisions his freedom upon a motorbike, free from his life, from his responsibility. The reality crashes back in along with his panic as the guilt of his escapist ideas catch up to him. Cue a swans-esque cacophony.

Oneohtrix Point Never - My Dream Dungeon Makeover

Daniel Lopatin knows how to make sounds that scratch my brain in exactly the write way those beautiful harpsichords, the scratchy scrabbly electronics, those soft pads and that weird feedback guitar noise… it all folds together so beautifully like a delicious noise soup that I just want to dip myself into like a freshly baked roll and soak it all up.

Doechii - Nissan Altima

If you haven’t watched Doechii’s Tiny Desk COncert, go add it to your watchlist. This track is just a sample of the high energy fun she delivers on that performance. It’s cheeky, it’s playful and it is insanely talented.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor - RAINDROPS CAST IN LEAD

I am constantly in awe how GY!BE manage to be one of the most politically loud bands around without any vocals. They are able to paint such vivid pictures with their music, of emotions and feelings but also of fully realised scenes that burst to life in the listeners mind. Raindrops  cast in lead starts dismal and apocalyptic beforepulling together to promises of a better future if we all work towards it. The field recording at the center of Raindrops pulls everything together and gives the composition a beautiful sense of place.

Bob Vylan - Reign

Reign is such a genius switch up for Bob Vylan, just when I felt their sound was starting to wear thin for me, Humble As The Sun changed everything. Some great lyrics here as well and ooh that beat change at the end, it goes so hard.

The Marias - Run Your Mouth

Some gorgeous chilled out pop music, that bassline is delicious, could listen to it all day. Really catchy guitar hook. This song is exactly what I want from a pop song.

Knives - Sadness

Knives manage to blend elements of a post punk and hardcore in a way I’ve never quite hard before, it’s an exciting and intriguing listen. Off kilter and engaging punk full of emotion.

GEL - Shame

There’s a lot of hardcore and hardcore adjacent music on this list, but that’s because it’s one of the most exciting spaces in music right now. Bands like Gel continue to push it in new and interesting ways whilst keeping the spirit alive, Shame sounds so vibrant, as separate elements pop out in the production to bring extra body to the track. 

Vower - Shroud

I’ve never seen so many men crying in one space as at Palm Reader’s farewell performance at 2000 Trees this year. It was beautiful and poignant, and I was crying alongside them. Josh McKeown has my favourite voice in metalcore and Palm Reader were a top 10 band for me. The sadness of Palm Reader’s breakup was tempered by the announcement of a new band Vower featuring McKeown alongside ex-members of Toska and Black Peaks and yeah, it’s pretty damn good. Maybe a future without Palm Reader aint so bad when we still get music like this.

Karen Dio - Sick Ride

This one just got stuck in my head for about 3 months. There’s nothing new or particularly special about this imo, but sometimes a good hook is just a good hook and that’s all you need.

Du Blonde & Laura Jane Grace - Solitary Individual

I am a solitary individual and Laura Jane Grace is something of a personal hero of mine, so when she’s singing words that could’ve come straight from my own head over a really damn catchy chorus it makes me very happy. 

Fontaines DC - Starburst

Yeah this one is very very good, there’s so much character so much depth, the way the metaphors and allusions pile up on top of each other with Grian Chatten’s deft lyricism, that tonal shift in the bridge, those visceral gasps in the chorus… it’s perfection.

WILLOW - Symptom Of Life

I’m a sucker for a 7/4 time signature on a pop song. There’s so much interesting stuff going on musically on this track, some gorgeous chords and achromatic notes and a lot for me to love as a bass player.

Magdalena Bay - That’s My Floor

This track has one of those crunchy guitar tones that kinda makes it sound like your speaker’s broken. I love that. Every single choice on this song is wild and unexpected I had no idea what I was listening to from one moment to the next, great stuff.

Amyl and the Sniffers - U Should Not Be Doing That

More saxophones in punk please, it sounds so good. We promise we won’t just compare you to X-Ray Spex…

Shelf Lives - Uncle Fred

Shelf Lives are insane in the best way. 2 minutes of fun frenetic nonsense. Also nice Shaun of the Dead reference.

Calva Louise - Under The Skin

Calva Louise’s evolution since Rhinoceros has been fascinating. At one point it looked like they were going down the muse symphonice space rock route, then they pulled out the harsh vocals and now they are something entirely of their own. Under The Skin is PACKED with fresh ideas. Classical piano, djenty guitars and a scifi narrative all get blended together.

CLT DRP - Until You Showed Me

It wouldn’t be a end of year list of mine if Clt Drp didn’t show up somewhere… Until You Showed Me is a lover letter to gender non-conformity and to being seen through others eyes, to feel that pure love and validation. It’s beautiful.

Xiu Xiu - Veneficium

Jamie Stewart’s vocalisations are wonderfully melodramatic, that buzzing bass tone roots itself at the base of the skull, the unsettled call and response guitars… everything here pulls together to create a piece of goth noise excellence

Blood Command - We Could Be Heaven

I never know what Blood Command will release next. We Could Be Heaven is a pop punk banger with more than a touch of Andrew W.K. to it and it is SO MUCH FUN. 

Dreamcar - We Rats

Davey Havok’s vocals may be my favourite sound in the world and he is having a ball on this track alongside members of No Doubt. A brooding intro bursts into a great poppy chorus about everyones favourite furry little rodent.

Bring Me The Horizon - Youtopia

This track is mainly on my list because it scratches a very weird nostalgia itch. The melody is almost identical to Hikaru Utadu’s Sanctuary (the opening song to one of the best video games of all time, Kingdom Hearts 2) mixed with some deftones. It’s so close I feel it must be a deliberate musical reference, both songs are absolute bangers.

Black Dresses - ZERO FANTASY

This very well might be Black Dresses final release (actually for real this time). If it is, LAUGHINGFISH feels like a fitting send off including some of the bands most accessible and heart-rending material to date. ZERO FANTASY straddles the space between pop song and the weird noise sphere black dresses normally sit in reelng in their more esoteric tendencies to deliver something that is still notably Black Dresses but could also pass for a radio ready alt-pop tune. There’s a great synth melody that comes in at the climax of the track over these tumbling snares and thrumming bass that encapsulates the sound perfectly.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2009 Today ended up being a bit hectic for me, but not with work. Work was slow, but I was tied up with other things that I didn’t even get a chance to work out. For one, Jesse came down to inform us he’s to be laying down fake grass that they gave him at work in some areas to keep weeds from growing. So who knows how many days I’ll have to deal with the noise and distractions that’ll bring? Plus, he and his brothers and dad are going to cut and drag up some dead trees from down in the ditch in back of our place. No one lives down there or walks through there, but CA is picky about removing dead trees and keeping up on stuff like that.

Jesse says he’ll be at the bar partying, he says, and will be brought home in a taxi. I’d say by the way he was acting he’s already gotten a head start, too! The guy ain’t usually so jovial, LOL!

So it was a busy day, but it sure smelled good because my incense arrived.

I also got a nice card and a letter from Rosa. She says my letters always put a smile on her face and she’s hanging in there, doing the best one can do with so much prison time still ahead of her.

Got another nice surprise on Facebook from Maria, another girl from VH who asked if I were the one who used to sing and play guitar. I said yes, and she said we wrote a song together, but I thought she left before I did, even though the name did sound familiar, and told her that the song I wrote with the girl was called Carry Me Away. She sent another message saying she didn’t leave till a few months after I got there and that she was sure that was the song we wrote together. Although I no longer have the tape we made of us singing together, I still have the lyrics and I sent her a copy.

She confirmed that that was indeed the song she had me sing for her December graduation (they did graduations in December, June and August). I forgot about that, too! I remember writing the song (well, she did the lyrics and I did the music) but forgot that I did it for her graduation. I wish to hell I still had the tape! Our harmonizing came out beautifully. With her being a soprano and my being a contralto, we really complimented each other’s vocals nicely.

She said it really put a smile on her face and was glad to be in touch. Me too, and it was nice to finally be able to give half the credit to her, so to speak since I didn’t create the piece myself. I just never remembered her name!

The only thing I missed out on today was Duewi, but I know we’re not going to be able to catch each other every day. We can at least do emails every day, though. She said she wished I was just a hop, skip and jump away, but her dreams would have to be enough for her. As I told her, not being able to see her isn’t enough for me, but it is because it has to be. It may be a waste of time to do so, but I’ll always hope she’ll one day be able to visit if only for a day or two, but if that’s just a dream, then so be it.

I can totally see how easy it’d be for one to fall in love with a wonderful person such as she is. So no, it isn’t just a lust thing for me, but there’s definitely a lot of that in the picture, LOL! We let each other know what we plan to do in Never Never Land which she says she doesn’t like to wake up from. Tonight we are having a moonlight swim. One kiss leads to another, and then another… I’ll keep the rest a secret!

So 2009 wasn’t such a bad year after all. Yeah, there was some financial stress, and yeah my crazy sister and her kids drove me almost as crazy for a few months in cyberspace, and yeah Tom’s still jobless and collecting unemployment, but it sure was fun otherwise! I learned 3 new languages, even if I have a ways to go to achieve fluency. I found Rosa, then I found Eileen, and then came the icing on the cake – Duewi!

But what does this New Year hold for my hubby and me? Good things, I hope! And I hope this is the decade we once again own our own home and this time it’s forever.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2009 FedEx failed to deliver my package today. They do this every time I get incense.

Today hasn’t been as hectic as yesterday because there wasn’t much work today and I haven’t chatted with Duewi. She just emailed me on her lunch break at work to say hi and let me know she’s hitting the books and averaging A’s and B’s in criminal justice. And I let her know I’m proud of her! I don’t care for her taste in music, but I too, love forensics and stuff like that. It’s very fascinating. The Manson case still intrigues me even to this day.

Duewi.

I can’t get that girl off my mind!

Maybe I can credit most of it to PMS, but I’m kind of bummed out right now knowing we can never see each other, not that I’m not excited about keeping in touch even if it can only be online.

Getting in touch with Duewi has brought a slew of “what if” questions racing through my mind. You know, those “what ifs” we all hate, but can’t help pondering at times. We all experience them – what if I had been rich? What if I had had kids? What if I hadn’t? What if I were still single? What if I married younger? What if I’d had a different career? What if I’d been straight/gay? What if I’d lived in a different state or never moved? What if, what if, what if???

I think we also go through a lot of phases where at the same time we wouldn’t give up what we do have in life, we also wish we could have other things as well, even if we never will.

Like sweet, sexy Duewi.

I love my husband and wouldn’t trade him for the world. I always swore I’d kill myself if he died before I did, and I would. Like most guys, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing in bed even if they like to think they do, but he’s incredibly smart and has always loved me just as I am. Not many people let other people be themselves to the degree that he does.

But no matter how content we may be, we sometimes wonder what might have been. What if I’d known of Duewi’s crush years ago? She believes I wouldn’t have broken her heart. Is she right? I’d like to think so, LOL! As unstable as I was, I wasn’t ready for a relationship until I was older, and I always did say that I was glad I didn’t meet Tom any younger (I was 27), even if I wish I’d always known him. I was also more attracted to other fems until my early 30s or so, then I started swinging more towards the more masculine type. Not super masculine that you have to ask yourself, is that a guy or a girl? But the ones where you can pretty much tell they’re gay, but not have to second guess what body parts they’re sporting. Us short fems like the idea of a taller, tougher woman they can feel safe with, same as straight women tend to want that in a man.

And so I will be left to forever do two things – wonder what might have been if Duewi and I could’ve been together at some point in our lives, and also be frustrated, and a little sad, that we’ll never see each other again. sniffles Oh, how I wish I could hug her! But it will only be in my mind that I picture us in various scenarios – hanging out, talking, taking a leisurely country stroll, listening to music, and yes, even the fun stuff.

I can’t think of anything I’ve learned about her so far that I don’t like except that she smokes. But as was the case with myself and many others, she’ll quit when she’s ready to.

I’m friends with some VH girls I never met, but a Valleyheader is a Valleyheader, and there is a degree of sisterhood between us either way. To me, they are all my sisters considering the hell most of us went through at VH, and even though some of them weren’t very nice. I didn’t experience some of the horrors others have come forth to say they’ve experienced, but even when nothing bad was actually happening, VH was a very sad, depressing and stressful place to be. The atmosphere was truly suffocating and totally dismal.

But with Duewi I feel as if I’ve known her forever. She’s surprised me, too. A lot of people who have a rough childhood tend not to be very smart when they get older, but Duewi’s actually pretty intelligent.

I don’t know if I’m just another chick she’s attracted to in her mind, or if I’m special and unique in any way, but she sure makes me feel like I’m special and unique. :) I like that she doesn’t seem to be into me just because of how I look, but because of me as a person. I used to hate that when some guy or chick just couldn’t see past my skin and would only go on and on about how hot I was, how I was the stuff fantasies were made of, etc. Don’t get me wrong, we like to hear this stuff. But some of us don’t want that to be the only thing we hear.

It flatters me to know that Duewi would defend me if someone tried to hurt me. Even she said she’d hunt them down, LOL, and I believe she would, too! So you better not try it cuz I’ve got major protection on my side!

I also wonder things like whether or not the crush lived on after VH or if I was put on the back burner of her mind until I jumped out at her in cyberspace. Guess I’ll have to ask her sometime.

I’m still kind of surprised a class action suit was never filed against VH. Shutting them down was great, but suing them would be even better.

Now that we’re doing better financially, even if I’m starting to think Tom will be on unemployment for the rest of his life, we’re probably going to go ahead and purchase a dental plan after all, though not for another month or two. He found a plan for $270 a year that includes exams and X-rays. And dad was right, too. Dentures would be $500 with this plan, though there are other plans that are cheaper but with dentures that cost twice as much. I forgot what fillings and extractions are, but it wasn’t much. Either way, I don’t think all my teeth can be saved forever. The enamel is just way too soft.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2009 I’m too tired to make much of an entry, so I’ll just quickly say that Paul wished me a happy new year, and as always, it was nice to hear from him. He’s sort of down on his luck right now, so I’m trying to encourage him to keep his chin up and not hesitate to do what he’s got to do to get by.

As for my tall, dark, Italian hottie, we chatted and flirted again on Facebook, LOL! Oh, what we do in our x-rated imaginations! It sucks that she can’t just drive over, but we will always be buddies in cyberspace and in our hearts. Well, maybe a little more than friends, LOL.

She sent me a picture of her at Valleyhead with two other girls. They looked exactly as I remembered them to be. She also sent a couple of more recent shots. Damn, she aged well! Most people get fat with age, but not her. Her trailer’s a lot nicer than this piece of shit, too.

She shared more of her life with me.

Made pretty good money today, so I’m going to take a little break and unwind to some music.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2009 Almost didn’t get to make an entry today between chatting with Duewi and doing a million other things, too. PMS has had me totally dragging and just trying to keep up with things has been tough. I haven’t had time to study languages or do much proofreading, but I will definitely have the new version of my autobiography posted on Blogger or MD or both in a month or two. I did update the Oregon blog, though.

I also managed to get some work done today as well as some laundry, and we went to the store to pick up a few things. I’m going to make egg drop soup again tomorrow. It is sooo good!

Jesse’s truck wasn’t visible when we came and went yet the dogs were amazingly quiet. Maybe someone else was there like his kid.

Ok, now onto the fun part of my day. Duewi. Sweet, hilarious Duewi! When I woke up this morning I had to ask myself if yesterday was just a dream, but when I saw her note waiting for me in cyberland I was grinning ear to ear, glad to see that the good-looking Italian named Marie with the shiny black hair that most people call Duewi was anything but a dream. I STILL can’t believe it! She’s totally the last one I would have expected to reunite with even if it’s 26 years later and in cyberspace. I’m still shocked to learn she had a crush on me all this time too, and that I didn’t see it back then. I don’t know why, but while I’m very good with people and sensing who’s aggressive, who’s mellow, who’s honest, who’s not; it seems I’m totally clueless when someone likes me unless they practically spell it out for me.

She’s totally my type too, so I WOULD learn about this long after getting married, LOL! She’s tall, dark and definitely tough enough for lil’ ole me to feel safe with. I got a kick out of how she said she could’ve bench pressed me when I first came into Valleyhead all anorexic at just 85 pounds, starved by my wonderful foster mom. Yeah, I believe it, too. I was pretty skinny.

She’s studying criminal justice. I told her I hate cops but love a babe in uniform, LOL!

I guess my hair was a trigger since she likes long brown hair and it was definitely pretty long back then. Not as insanely long as I usually had it from my late 20s to early 40s, but it was still below my waist. Anyway, she had to be discreet about noticing me so that Tammy, and then Judy, wouldn’t catch on.

Thinking back on it, this would explain Tammy and Judy’s coldness. They were never rude or mean to me, but they didn’t seem friendly at all when I’d be polite and say hello to them upon passing each other around the school and grounds. I was the “other” girl who didn’t know she was the other girl, LOL! I always figured she saw me as a little priss and basically looked at me like an older sibling might see a younger sibling that they didn’t want tagging along.

I am just so flattered that she feels the way she does about me, even though, as she herself says, it’s too late. But it will never be too late for Duewi to have a place in my heart forever and ever. eyes begin to water As well as in my very wild and creative imagination. grins

To know that she’d come and get me in a heartbeat if I were suddenly alone and homeless and within reach is quite an honor. I started to wonder why she never looked me up when I was still living there, alone, lonely and bored out of my mind most of the time like I was, but that would be kind of hard to do with an unlisted phone number, wouldn’t it?

She not only has the looks I like but seems like a great person as well. She still smokes, but she seems like a very easygoing person with a great sense of humor. She said she had a mean streak as a kid, though, and even did a few days in jail for an assault she didn’t remember. I guess she used to drink. But a connection high in ranks helped spring her out. I told her about my own little stint in jail as well.

With the way they had me doped up like a guinea pig, I don’t remember anything in particular she and I talked about other than when she asked me to take hers and Tammy’s picture. I asked her what she remembered us talking about and she said it was mostly about music since we had that much in common.

I asked if she remembered my deformed and deaf ear and she said yes, and when others would bitch about it and the trouble I had hearing, she’d tell them to shut their fucking mouths, LOL! Aw, how sweet.

I don’t remember the white quilted robe I was supposed to have worn a lot, but I do remember those bright red Chinos and a bright yellow pair as well.

Even though I think 125 pounds is too much for me, she assures me she’d follow me around like a puppy if she saw me on the street. Aw!

While I’m selective about what I write about that we discuss, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me mentioning crazy Lisa. She wasn’t the scariest one there, but she was certainly the craziest. I guess she threw a toilet cover at Duewi and Duewi pinned her down until the staff could deal with her. I can totally picture Lisa doing that too, and then Duewi holding her. Duewi was never any chicken shit wimp. She was gutsy and tough. I, on the other hand, would be running so freaking fast in the opposite direction of some nutjob hurling a toilet cover at me! Definitely not something I’d have stuck around to do battle with, LOL!

Let’s see… what else? She too, is on 10 acres and her nearest neighbor is half a mile away. Ours is too, when you get Jesse out of the picture.

We exchanged a few jokes. I loved hers: What do two women need to get married?

The answer: A liquor license.

I’m too damn tired to think of anything else and do any more writing, so I’m going to call this an entry, which is plenty long enough, and probably end up meeting Duewi in some rather wet dreams tonight.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2009 Just thought I’d do some writing and then some proofreading before either Jesse gets noisy or his dogs do. Whichever comes first.

Duewi is Marie’s nickname which I referred to as M in my last entry online. I let her know I don’t use last names and that I’d refer to her only by her nickname.

Anyway, you know you shared a certain hell together when you run into each other 26 years later in cyberspace and are instantaneously good buddies! Guess it’s something only those who went through what we went through could understand, but if Duewi were suddenly homeless and on the streets around here, you bet I’d go pick her up! Well, Tom would have to help since I don’t drive, LOL!

She said the last 8 years have been great for her, before that a distant memory. She asked if I remembered her and as I told her, I have an impeccable memory, so yes, I do remember her. I also remember Tammy and Judy, two different girls she used to hang out with. I even took hers and Tammy’s picture before Tammy left.

Like I said, we weren’t pals in any way. We were never roommates nor did we have any classes together that I remember, but we always got along.

She’s the only Valleyheader so far that I’ve been in touch with. I once looked up a few names, but I either didn’t get any hits or I got too many to be worth going through.

Later…

I hear Jesse sawing away at something right now. Why can’t the guy ever take a day off and stay home and INSIDE on weekends? I prefer him to stick around so the dogs don’t go crazy, but when he does, he makes a racket himself.

So anyway, I’m so happy to have Duewi as a friend! She is so cool. What’s more is that she’s surprising as hell, too. Yeah, I guess she wouldn’t mind my saying this, but when I asked if she remembered me, she said, “Sure I do. I had a huge crush on you.”

I was both shocked and flattered, alright. I had absolutely no idea she liked me. I knew she didn’t dislike me, but I thought I was just there as far as she was concerned. Just another spot on the wall.

She lives in New York now and understandably she prefers the East with it being more accepting of her lifestyle. It’s definitely more liberal there than here in conservative Cali!

She remembers my singing and playing the guitar, saying that despite the craziness there I could really break out that guitar and get singing! Yeah, music was pretty much all I had to keep my sanity, LOL!

Anyway, Duewi was what I’d describe as cute and tomboyish. She was tough but not mean. I always liked her smile. She’s Italian but doesn’t speak it. She had “the look” unlike my more feminine self and I can see where girls would’ve thrown themselves at her like crazy while short fems like myself were usually more of a hit with the guys, unfortunately, LOL! Bet I could still go hang out in a lesbo bar for hours and still not be approached. Hey, at 4’ 11”, 124 pounds, why would I?

During the time I was actually at Valleyhead, which was from ages 16-18, I was too young, dumb and naïve to put two and two together as far as who was gay. But once I got older and came out myself, I could look back and recognize which staffers and students were gay. There were actually several staff couples that formed there. Mary, the one I had a crush on, took up with Annie. Debbie, my therapist, took up with some guy and they got married. I know my other therapist, Lisa, was gay, along with Ellen, the owners’ daughter, and Jennifer. Duewi said she ran into Ellen after she left Valleyhead and was still in MA and learned she’d not only gotten with Jennifer but liked Duewi as well.

Well, like I said, I had no idea she liked me. Maybe that was because I was too busy paying attention to Mary. It’s kind of funny after all these years when you think about it. Duewi liked me while I liked Mary who liked Annie all the while Ellen liked Duewi!

She remembered a lot of the people and their names, saying the staff was cool to her, but she didn’t like some of the students. There were a few students I didn’t like either, but I thought some of the staff were crazier than some of the students. Donna, Margaret and Barbara were a nightmare! Other than Mary, Lisa and Michelle, one of the teachers, no one else really stands out as far as staff goes.

There was a little confusion for a minute there when I mentioned being the crazy window jumper and she said she “pulled me in in room 7, the room we shared.” I said, “It couldn’t have been me. I was never in room 7, never shared a room with her, and I assure her no one pulled me back when I flew outa room 13’s window!”

She got me mixed up with a girl named Doreen. I guess she too, tried to jump, desperate to get out of there. Then she ran away instead, never to be heard from or seen again. As far as I always knew, no one knew whatever became of her.

Anyway, it was really cool to chat on Facebook like we did. She too, lives in a trailer in the boonies with some girl and her sister.

It’s too bad we can’t run over for a visit. She is just so way cool. I meant it too, when I said I was flattered to learn she had a thing for me. She’d have been my last guess as to who I’d end up getting back in touch with from Valleyhead. I’d have guessed Denise, Stacey or Ethel. We hung out the most and were often roommates.

It’s as fun to have so many cyber friends as it is not to have so many friends close by in physical form where they could really be a pest. I still wouldn’t mind meeting a few of them in person if only for a day. My top 3 picks would be Duewi, Eileen and probably Paul.

I finally heard from Mary. Even though I figured she was just depressed, busy or both, I always worry when too much time passes between letters.

They threw her in lockdown for trying to send her lawyer a birthday card. That’s pretty fucked up, but I guess with her being new and all that they just had to prove a point.

She asked for my email so she could send me recent pictures of her. I guess she’s got internet access there. She’s enjoying the story I’m sending her. I’ll have two more to catch her up on after this one, then the scenes I’ve been working on with Paul.

She wants to write erotica with me as Gothic Beauty and share the earnings so she can have canteen money, but as I’ll have to tell her… A, I never heard back from them, and B, I’d hate to take risks like that. If the prison ever got wind of it that she was making money her ass would be grass and they’d be the lawnmower! I wouldn’t mind posting a story of hers on the free rating site, though, and it wouldn’t have to be lesbian erotica not that she’d care either way.

She’s looking forward to getting a degree as a paralegal and taking the first step toward becoming a victim’s advocate. She’s learning Spanish, too.

It turns out that Selena’s killer was just some sicko pretending to be her killer. Yeah, I knew they were just putting her on and that the real killer was in Texas.

So life is going a lot better for me these days. I just wish it wasn’t so cold!

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2009 On this sunny, green, warm Christmas I’ve decided to add the crazy places I was in as a kid to the My Childhood section of my autobiography which I’m rearranging and editing.

Then again, I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s warm. It’s 78º inside, but only 60º outside.

I was just stepping out of the shower when I heard the bulldozer. What in the world Mr. King of the Hill would be doing on that thing at 9am on Christmas was beyond me. He took off shortly after in the truck and left us with the dogs. I had to put things on to drown them out. I figured he’d go somewhere today.

When I got up and the rats were begging it looked almost like a choreographed dance with the way they were swaying back and forth in time together. It was hilarious!

I learned how to make my own egg drop soup. All you do is beat an egg, then slowly pour it into egg drop soup mix once it starts boiling. I always wondered how they made the stuff.

So it turns out that there was this link I didn’t notice the first time around at the Valleyhead group on Facebook. It actually took me to another Valleyhead group on classmates.com where I recognized a few names. I sent a friend invite to a couple of them and wrote a note on my profile page there saying that since I couldn’t leave links there, they could look me up on Facebook and that I had a link to my journal there as well.

Then today I got a friend invite on Facebook from a name I didn’t recognize at first, then I realized that the person’s nickname was familiar. When I saw the picture I knew it was Marie D. I was too young and naïve to realize it at the time, but she was gay. We were never really friends, but we never had any problems either and so it was really cool to get her friend invite.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2009 I joined the Valleyhead group on Facebook, but the group seems fairly new and I don’t recognize any of the names of the members.

I must be getting more interesting, LOL, since every time I tweet lately I get a new follower.

Raley’s, one of the local grocery stores here, has an awesome site where you can see exactly what’s in stock, what things are going to cost, and even read nutrition labels if you’re counting calories. It might actually save us money this way as opposed to going to Wal-Mart which we have to go all the way into Roseville to get to. The convenience alone would be worth it.

My story is now #4, even though it has a higher rating than the #1 story which has been broken for ages. It’s a strange site at times.

I signed a petition against vetoing the legalized gay marriage in DC, but I don’t see what good it will do. As soon as they get their rights, the bigots take them away. It’s only a matter of time before they’re once again denied their rights nationwide. This is why I no longer get excited when a new state grants them equality. Why give someone something just to take it away? People are awful. Just awful. It’s why I have just a few handfuls of friends. Not everyone out there is bad, but most people make me sick to my stomach. Rats usually make better friends than people!

So the balloon hoax parents got just days in jail while I got months for a fictitious letter. I wish I HAD written the damn letter! Better yet, I wish I’d written hundreds!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2009 My story is back in 2nd place and I decided to submit another one just to see if it does as well. It hasn’t been posted yet.

Meanwhile, I’m in a state of neitherness and neverness right now, you could say. I’m neither fat nor thin. I’m neither happy nor sad. I’m neither well off financially or broke. I could go on and on with more “neithersome” situations, but won’t bother.

As for my state of “neversome,” I feel like there will NEVER be jobs in this area and we will NEVER get ahead. This forced welfare bum situation we’re in really gets old, and being stuck on unemployment is about as close as you can get to being just that! A government-supported bum.

But MT is continuing to supplement us quite well. We’re actually only making about $150 less than he made in Oregon, and he made good money there. Only catch is that our rent is now $825 and not $450. Still, I made $12 in less than 5 minutes yesterday by simply taking a picture of myself in lingerie, then having Tom take one of me standing outdoors holding up a sign saying, “Merry Christmas, Crystal. Auburn, USA.” Don’t know what this was supposed to be for, but it was an easy job and so I did it after writing the words in thick dark block letters on a piece of white cardstock.

Read up on slander/libel laws. Slander is a very hard thing to prove the same as discrimination. When you’re dealing with what’s mostly hearsay and opinions, things can get tricky. That’s why I can’t sue the media for the pack of lies they printed about me or the people who told them the lies. I can’t prove what they said is bullshit like one can prove that the Statue of Liberty truly exists. That’s easy. But when you get into people’s opinions, it’s a lot tougher. It isn’t merely an opinion that the Statue of Liberty exists, but a visible fact. So you have to A, prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the person’s belief or opinion is true. Then B, you have to prove that it was directly responsible for hurting the person’s business, reputation or health in some way.

Go out and buy a lottery ticket. You have a much better chance there!

Same goes for child abuse. Suspicions and past accusations won’t get you very far. The social workers aren’t stupid; they know what’s going on. But unless a parent or guardian smacks a child right under their nose, it’s almost impossible to get one’s kids removed from them, and their past won’t usually give you much ammo. People have tried to use my own past against me and I myself tried to beat a few others over the head with their pasts as well and it didn’t get us anywhere in the end.

Again, try the lotto instead.

If your record has been expunged of any convictions or judgments, that’s what you need to show in cases where it matters. Court documents always remain online or at least publicly accessible in some way. No matter what you may’ve been vindicated of, there will always be a record available on the case itself.

I can totally understand the feeling of having intense anger, resentment, frustration and more that can have an accumulative effect on one’s life as each incident and or trauma adds up. I have been attacked, put down, ripped off, lied to and nearly raped in the late 80s. I often think it may be a good thing that I was half the bitch I am today and half as brave, for I may very well have gone out, gotten a gun, and shot some of the assholes that fucked me over, particularly the would-be rapist I cried AIDS to, thus landing my ass in prison no matter how many people may’ve agreed with my actions at least from a non-legal point of view.

I not only have to live with the evil deeds done to me but with my own mistakes as well. I lied about being raped as a kid when all it really was was a case of bad sex. The guy couldn’t even get it in there, and I, unable to say “no” was left feeling ashamed as kids often feel after having sex or trying to, even if they consented to it in the first place. Still, it’s something I’ll always have to live with, though unbeknownst to me at the time, the exam I had afterward would’ve shown that I was still a virgin.

My maternal grandmother was not at all a nice lady and definitely a lousy mother. Her meanness led to one equally mean daughter and one equally mean son. Yet I have to live with the fact that I made prank phone calls to her just days, maybe even hours, after my parents discovered her dead inside her home, just 6 months after losing her husband, my grandfather.

So while I may have learned a lot in life and have been tested by the government to be well within the genius range, I’m no stranger to many of the fuck-ups and emotions that many of you have either asked me about or have talked about from your own experiences.

I know I shouldn’t do this, after all, I was totally naïve to the law, especially in Arizona, but I still beat myself up for not “fighting back,” so to speak, and feel like I let the sickos we lived with fuck me over. Full disclosure: No, the truth will NOT always set you free. And no, cooperation and kindness won’t always be in your best interest. Yet “You should’ve kept your mouth shut,” and “You should’ve fought back,” and “You should’ve represented yourself,” and “You should’ve researched your rights and insisted on going to trial,” and “You should’ve never gone to court in the first place,” still runs through my mind even to this day.

“Quit kicking yourself in the ass for what you didn’t know because it’s done and over and can’t be undone or changed. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong and you certainly wouldn’t have deserved the sentence you got even if you had written the damn letter. You were naïve to the law and the law took advantage of that,” is what I should tell myself, but it’s just not always so easy.

I’ve been asked what I think you should do and how I think you should feel in light of traumatic or tough experiences. Well, first off, no one can tell you how to feel as there is no right or wrong emotion, but I can say this much: Don’t try to sugarcoat the wrongdoings of other people. If they fucked you over, they fucked you over. Period. If you feel you’ve been victimized – that’s enough. Never bother trying to justify it or make excuses for it. What happened, happened.

No, I wouldn’t take in any children if a friend or relative had kids they no longer could care for for whatever reason. Since deciding, in the end, to skip motherhood so as to keep my freedom, taking in other people’s kids would kind of defeat that purpose, selfish of me or not, LOL!

Oh, and yes, I removed my extended autobiography because I am a better writer than I was 8 years ago when I first began it. Therefore, I think it can be better written and so I may rewrite at least parts of it. I just don’t know when.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2009 Paul, AKA Mitch, the UK novelist I mentioned before who befriended me on Bookmania, has been working with me. He edited a small portion of my story for me to show me a better way to do it and OMG! He did a fantastic job!

Later…

Got paid $10 to enter a lingerie contest for a $100 GC! My picture was accepted and submitted just now. I’m wearing a sparkly bra in the picture. Hope I win! A woman can always use new bras and panties. It’s a random-draw contest that ends at the end of the year.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2009 I lost 3 pounds in 2 days since I started doubling up on the oolong tea and running more.

My story fell to #11. The first 10 must have super high ratings because mine still has a 4.41 rating out of 5 stars.

Once again I don’t have much else to say. Life hasn’t been boring, but it’s been slow and predictable.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2009 My story keeps bouncing between 2nd and 3rd place and now has over 7000 views.

We’re back to not needing heat in the afternoons. It got in the high 70s in here yesterday, but we’re going to get some more rain soon enough.

We ordered a cheap pair of reading glasses online. They’re pink too, and they’re also kids’ glasses.

I’m relieved to know they extended unemployment benefits and that we’re set at least till the middle of summer, but I’d rather the damn jobs come back to this area! How many more months – or years – is this shit going to go on? While I hate being stuck in a rut of any kind, being stuck jobless in the peaceful woods in a cozy little trailer sure does beat being stuck in motels!

Wish I had more to say, but I don’t. Guess I’ll get back to work.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2009 Here I am in my little pink Kidco glasses. There are both good and bad I can say about them. Well, there’s still nothing like not needing glasses in the first place. I miss those days! But they’re never returning so I just gotta deal with it. I still don’t like the feeling of something sitting on my nose even if it now weighs 17 grams and not 27 grams. The other negative is that I will need the other glasses the doctor recommended because these glasses are really best for long-distance and just walking around in or going out. Everything sure does look great at a distance! My long-distance vision wasn’t as good as I thought it was. I thought it was still 20/20, but it wasn’t quite there after all.

The only problem I have with these glasses is reading, but after wearing them a while and letting my eyes have time to relax and quit naturally trying to squint and focus, the monitor isn’t so blurry. I will still need reading glasses for reading fine print or doing things like sewing, so we’re going to get a pair online. While I wore these glasses, I held up various pairs of reading glasses to get a sense of what would be best for reading. These, plus weak reading glasses, seem to be good enough for me. We found a place online where we can get them for just $15 - $20 including shipping. And even lighter ones too, at 13 grams.

Swapped a few messages with Eileen like we usually do every week or two. She too, agrees with me as far as the injustices of the world go and is really into meditation. She teaches a meditation class each week.

Not much else going on. Just working and doing the things I usually do.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2009 You know you worked out hard when the shower feels sooo good upon entering it! I realized that a part of why I’ve been up a few pounds isn’t just because of overeating, but because I’ve been slacking off with the exercise. For some reason, I tend to stick to running better than riding. I guess I just like running better. So I ran about a mile and a half, then rode an additional mile and a half.

I ate my way up to 128 pounds, even though I look 10-15 pounds lighter since I’m muscular. I’m going to try my hardest not to go over 1000 calories today.

Been making decent money, said hello to Eileen, who says she loves her new lifestyle being so close to Boston and who was in NYC for shopping, eating and shows, and am going to get in some writing tonight.

The motel dreams have shifted to apartment/tooth house dreams, whatever the hell that means.

It made it into the 60s today. I just hope it doesn’t snow again or get into the 20s! That’s so not supposed to happen here!

Gotta do 100 or so ab crunches.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2009 Been busy making money off of criminals, LOL! Yeah, today’s job is comparing mug shots.

Placed my $88 incense order (including shipping) and after getting a few more things we could use, it’s off to save up a storm. That should be fast and easy enough if I keep making the kind of money I’ve been making lately.

Still have that mysterious pain on my lower right side. The only thing that shoots the theory that it’s connected to ovulation is A, it always comes a few days prior to mid-cycle, and B, we’re supposed to rotate sides every month. Yet the pain is coming almost every month now, at the exact same time of the month, is getting more intense, and lasts for three days. It starts off mild, then gets worse and worse, then it suddenly disappears. Last time I slept it woke me up.

Tom said it was quiet all day and I said, of course it was, I slept most of the day so Jesse was probably home. Yet he said his truck wasn’t there when he went out walking, so who knows for sure what’s going on?

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2009 There’s been tons of Turk work, so I haven’t done much writing of any kind, though I finally took another German lesson after slacking off for a while. I’m 60% through 102 with a score of 91%.

My story is back to #2 and has over 5000 views.

Tomorrow or the next day I’ll be making a huge incense order. Along with some old favorites, I’ll be getting:

Anyway, Mr. King of the Hill kept his damn dogs quiet Saturday, but Tom said they went crazy for a couple of hours before I got up. He doesn’t mind the noise being from Arizona and having grown up with excessive barking, but I’m sure it would’ve driven me crazy. It’s highly distracting and annoying to most of us who grew up where most dogs are house pets. I did hear a little of it after I got up. Tom said it sounded like there was a huge dogfight, but we haven’t seen the dogs from in back, and it’s hard to believe Jesse’s dogs would suddenly attack each other. I think they just don’t like being left alone, for some reason, between late October and mid-April. I don’t know what the connection is, but I’m positive that all the barking has to do with his not being there during those months because when he is there during those months, it’s quiet. And it’s almost always quiet from mid-April to late October, whether he’s there or not. Still, I WISH somebody would MAKE this cock CONTROL his own fucking dogs!

It rained like crazy for two days. I think it’s drying up now, though, and is to be in the 50s all week.

I decided not to get any more of that special toothpaste. I don’t want to do anything to delay my teeth from rotting and falling out so I can be done with the damn things and the pain they bring once and for all.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2009 The eye exam is over, and after hours and hours of barking, I’m now enjoying nothing but the sound of the rain falling on the roof. And the snow has FINALLY melted!

I got both good/bad news from the eye doctor today. The good news is that there’s nothing seriously wrong with my eyes other than the farsightedness that usually comes with age. Also, my eyes do well with corrective lenses and can see 20/20 with them.

The bad is that I need glasses all the time and so he recommended both distance and progressive lenses. We’re going to start with just the distance lenses first and see if I’m comfortable enough with just those. If I feel I need progressives, we’ll get them online where they’re cheaper.

The exam was $58, the frames were $20, and the prescription itself put the final total up to $141. A little more than we expected, but well worth it to see better without having to use these cheap, heavy, bulky reading glasses I’ve been using. I just have to wait a week for them.

I ended up picking out pink metallic frames that are flexible and scratch-resistant. I got kids’ frames because I’m so small that the kids’ frames fit my head/face better than the adult frames. They had some ENORMOUS frames that practically cover half your face – yuck! If your glasses are the first thing you want people to notice about you, they’re the ones to get. I, however, not only never liked the way oversized glasses look, but always thought those were for hypochondriacs and sympathy junkies that want you to really notice their need for glasses and to feel bad for them.

I’d love to one day get up the nerve to try contacts. To be able to have different colored eyes each time I changed them would be awesome! I loved the bright blue, violet and deep brown shades they had. Anything’s better than these puke olive green eyes I’ve got. They’re as bad as gray eyes.

The receptionist did the first part of the exam where they test the pressure behind your eyes by blowing puffs of air in them and that sort of thing. I was glad I’d already picked out the frames I wanted by the time the doctor used the drops to dilate my pupils to check for glaucoma since that made my vision even blurrier. Fortunately, it’s been cloudy and rainy so I didn’t need to use the sunglasses they gave me.

We were going to grab a couple of wireless speakers for $100 or so and put one in the kitchen and one in the bathroom for listening to music in those rooms, but instead I think I’ll just crank up the stereo when I want to hear it in other rooms or use the iPod if Tom’s sleeping. So that I can shower in peace when the dogs are at it, I threw the sound machine in there. Sleeping with the white noise from the radio keeps things like the motorcycle and our insanely loud microwave from waking me up, so I don’t really need it in there anyway.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2009 Another freezing night in the 20s. Yup, we should’ve gone to San Diego. This is supposedly our last night of freezing for a while, though. There’s a storm out over the Pacific that’s supposed to rain on us for a few days starting on Friday.

The Klammers were -6º this morning, LOL! We should now be above freezing. Since it’s to get a little warmer today, hopefully the remaining patches of evil snow will be history after having to see the shit for three days!

My story keeps jumping and dropping. Right now it’s in 3rd place with over 3457 views.

I still won’t believe anything till I see it actually happen, but Tom says they’re talking about lowering the Medicare age to 55 and expanding the Medicaid income range to 42K. That would be wonderful since in this day and age I not only doubt will ever own a place again, but am just about positive we’ll never make over 42K. I doubt we’ll ever make over 30K. Like it or not we were meant to be as poor as I was meant to be short and he was meant to be tall. I’ll live and die a very poor woman, but I won’t always be uninsured. I just don’t think we’ll be insured anytime soon. I’ve gone this long without doctors and dentists. So why start now? I do have to make an appointment for an eye exam and glasses, though, which I’ll probably do next week.

I should have the rest of the not-so-fun times at the duplex posted in my Oregon blog either today or tomorrow. Then it’s on to what would be one of our best times in life. Cold, but fun.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2009 All is well except for the weather. The summer may’ve been longer, but this winter’s definitely been much worse. Snow and temperatures in the 20s are practically unheard of around here. The snow couldn’t melt completely yesterday because the sun wasn’t out long enough. I don’t think it’s even going to finish melting off today, I’m sorry to say. It’s been sunny all day, but it barely made it over freezing. I can’t believe it got this cold this fast. It totally sucks! We left the sinks dripping last night. I wish we’d gone to San Diego. Although Tom has a point in saying that he doesn’t know that he’d have been able to get so much overtime like he was getting back in the motel in order to qualify for so much unemployment. Had it not been for that we’d be getting closer to $200 a month instead of $300 and there’s no way we could’ve made it on that. Especially without knowing about MT. Still, this weather sucks! I didn’t come here for cold and snow!

Later…

I was only able to write the above paragraph when the power went out. It was out for an hour and a half. Fortunately, it came back on before it could drop below 68º in here.

Ah, electricity. Can’t imagine life without it, and when I think of those who don’t have it, I realize God doesn’t hate me so much after all.

Incredibly, my paragraph remained intact, but hey, a $1200 Mac ought to be good for saving and backing up stuff, right?

It was an amazingly quiet day today. I didn’t think Jesse worked, but Tom said he didn’t think he was home when he went out earlier himself. But the guy let us know he was home when the power went out, of course, and took the opportunity to go engine-gunning and ATVing around here if not just so he could be heard, then maybe gathering firewood. As I said this is a hell of a winter we’re having. We’re not supposed to have much of a winter here in the first place!

Now he’s out there sawing. sighs There isn’t much light left out there so hopefully he won’t be buzzing away for too long, though I could always turn the sound machine on if he gets too distracting.

Anyway, I’m just glad it wasn’t the -1º it was in K-Falls this morning!

Heard about 4 shots fired today too, but couldn’t say where it was.

Tom brought the Nikita doll to the post office to be shipped off to Australia now that we finally got paid for it.

Got a letter from Rosa, along with a beautiful birthday card she made me that probably arrived on my birthday or the day after.

Our new fryer came today and it’s way nicer than the other one. We made French fries today. Can’t wait to make chicken wings next!

My patchouli incense also arrived, along with a couple of samples. This time it was lavender dishwashing liquid that smelled lemony (yuck) and Olay body wash.

Later…

God, it’s taking me forever to write this entry! I got hungry and had to go have some fried rice.

Now I’m hearing shots again. Who the hell would be shooting in the dark? There were about a dozen shots this time, but it’s definitely not loud enough to be the people in back. No one in their right mind does target practice in the dark, so maybe a coyote or something is threatening their livestock.

At least Jesse’s packed it in for the day.

Okay, time to call it an entry and move on!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2009 Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no. Why oh why does the past always come back to haunt me? Tom thinks it’s hilarious, of course, but getting half a foot of snow, even if it’ll all be melted off in an hour or two, does NOT sit well with me! I so did NOT come here for this shit! We should’ve gone down further like to the Central Valley or something. Even LA would be better than this. After all, there are too many people here anyway. All the natives are probably getting a kick out of this since you so seldom get even a dusting here.

Tom said yesterday that they were predicting 3-4 inches as low as 1000 feet which is right about where we’re at. So I woke up to pee at 4:30 and the place was glowing like it does at the crack of dawn. At first I was confused as to why it’d be that light that early. Then I realized that of all the times the weather forecast is wrong this, unfortunately, was not one of them. So I dove back under the covers till 8:30, shortly before Tom got up. He was laughing and saying how cool it was and how he loves variety. And I wish it were 100º every day!

It’s melted somewhat since at first the entire face of my howling coyote was completely covered with snow. Now it just has snow in its mouth. Half the shed’s roof is now exposed, too.

The only good in it is that it kept Jesse out of work, giving me three quiet days in a row instead of two. Not cuz of the snow itself, but because he couldn’t get out. He said all morning long he could hear trees snapping under the weight of the snow. These kinds of trees, which differ from what’s up in the high country, weren’t exactly made to take a lot of snow, which turned out to be more like 5-6 inches. So Jesse’s been cutting and dragging trees away with the ATV for the last few hours since there were fallen trees all along the drive. Fortunately, we didn’t have to be anywhere today.

My story fell to 12th place, then jumped back up to 8th place. It now has over 3000 views and still no word from the publishers.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2009 Spoke to my folks after yesterday’s entry, but not for long. They didn’t say much but sound like they’re doing well. I thanked them for the card and money and that was pretty much it.

I love my new slippers, girly or not with their purple furry pom-poms. They sure are comfy and do a great job of keeping my feet warm.

It’s so nice to wake up to a quiet, peaceful morning. But I know Jesse’s going to take off sooner or later and leave us with at least a few hours of barking.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2009 Knowing I’m now past the halfway mark in my life (at least I should be) is both strange and comforting to know. Perhaps there’s a degree of comfort since life and the world in general seems to have more bad in it than good. Here, two consenting adults can’t marry each other if they’re the same gender, but in some other countries, they marry off 8-year-olds – WTF??? And then there’s the story of this escaped cop killer whose friends and family gave him hundreds of dollars on the run, yet if I, a law-abiding citizen, suddenly needed hundreds of bucks, no one would give me shit. So that’s the bright side to being over the halfway point, along with the fact that each year I get a little smarter. :)

While my face may look its age, my body sure doesn’t! It looks about 15 years younger. I’m definitely in killer shape for 44!

Eileen sent a ‘Happy Birthday’ message this morning. Tom’s still asleep. Not sure what we’re going to do today. It’s only 9am here now, so I’ve got time to decide. We talked about getting each other birthday/holiday treats somewhere but might wait till the end of the month and take advantage of the sales they’ll have then.

My story dropped from 2nd to 4th place but jumped in views to 3233 views. I wish the publishers at the other place would hurry up and either accept or reject my manuscripts!

My French bread pizza should be ready in a few minutes, so bye-bye!

Later…

Today turned out to be relaxing, but fun. I coaxed myself away from work and we went out for a couple of hours. We first went to Kmart where I got new slippers. They’re girls’ slippers, but cute and comfy. I also got some perfume knock-offs, caramel candy and mango gum. Then we picked up the mail since we were in the area. There was a nice card with $20 from my folks. We took it to KFC!

I’ve received a slew of birthday wishes from real friends and cyber friends, and am now on a sugar high that’s quickly turning into a sugar crash. Tom’s already passed out, LOL! Think I’ll go join him.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2009 Hey, wow! I got a birthday card today from Eileen. How sweet of her to remember and to care. My birthday isn’t actually until tomorrow, so if anything comes to the mail place then, I won’t know about it till next week. We usually go every Thursday. However, our new deep fryer is scheduled for delivery next Tuesday, so we’ll go then.

I’ll turn the ringer on the landline in case my parents call tomorrow. We usually keep it off with all the sales and wrong-number calls we get.

When ordering the deep fryer, we had to have a certain amount of purchases ($30, I think) to qualify for free shipping, so Tom grabbed me some patchouli incense.

Amazingly, my story is now #2 on the list and now with a rating of 4.44 out of 5 stars and 1990 views. Am I really that good?! Well, as long as the publishers at the other site think so, that’s all that matters. They’re the ones with the money.

We’re going to freeze this Saturday night – ugh! That’s bad enough, but I’m sure glad we’re not up in K-Falls. They’re now hitting the single digits!

Mitch posted my journal link on his site. I got a kick out of how he says “For a unique insight into US trailer life…” Yeah, it’s unique, alright! laughs

My story at the erotica site that posts for free now has a 4.36 out of 5-star rating and is now the 9th story on the first page, but is not on the Top Ten Story list.

Haven’t heard anything yet from the publishers on the erotica site that pays its authors.

Anyway, Mitch is super cool and is working with a well-known illustrator right now, doing some layouts, as well as working on his own novels. He also does some editing and reviewing for some of my writing as well.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2009 My brain is saying, “Get to work!” My PMS-fatigued body is saying, “Just laze around in bed all day.”

I’m doing a mix of both, glad to see it’s a slow workday so far. Especially after making over $40 in just two days. Since I took my next German lesson (I’m 54% through German 102 with a score of 91%) I might do some writing.

Thanks to Swagbucks, our new deep fryer is on its way!

We’re now also on Step 2. Step 1 was to get the Mac back. Step 2 is to get some things we need and want. Then Step 3 will be when we start saving up a storm, hoping to cover our asses should our lovely government decide to cut our checks before the jobs return to those of us lost out here in the Sierras.

I still exchange messages with Mitch every so often. I don’t know him, but the more we chat, the more he seems like a really great guy. Dedicated to his work, his kids, friendly, honest, etc.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2009 Made $30 yesterday on MT! And it was such simple work that took no time at all.

I recorded my language lessons. It still amazes me to know I can sit and listen to hours of words and dialog in Italian, Portuguese, German, and of course Spanish, and know what they’re saying!

Still waiting on whether or not they’re going to accept my manuscripts, though I’m still doubtful. Just going by the odds. Even if it’s not a full-length novel to be printed into paperbacks or hardcovers or a lot of money at stake, it’s still NOT easy to get a publisher to accept a manuscript!

Later…

It was so nice to go to bed with 21¢ in my account after I transferred money to the card, then to wake up to find I had $33 in the account! I’m nearly $100 ahead of my goal. I was thinking I’d only be able to make $80 - $100 a month, but I’m making closer to $150 a month, so I can’t complain there! And today I’ve got $10 in the making for writing articles and comparing machine-translated sentences. It helps make up for the 5-hour barking sprees I have to deal with nearly every fucking day. It’s ridiculous. Just totally ridiculous that we “happen” to get hit with this every single place we go, common in the West or not.

So Mitch, who is what that writer I’m friends with prefers to go by, was truly correct in saying that writing is 10% imagination and 90% perseverance, after saying he wishes I wouldn’t sell myself short. Right now I just want to wait and see what the publishers say, and then I’ll focus on whatever I feel is best to focus on, depending on whether they accept/reject my manuscript. I just know they’re SUPER picky! But even if they tell me to take a hike, I’ll always write because it’s what I enjoy doing. No one keeps a journal for 22 years and writes 17 stories that doesn’t like writing!

I’m just picky myself as to who I share them with. I prefer to mostly share them with friends than post them for free. It’s easy to share my life as opposed to sharing stories because of the work involved in writing the stories versus journals. It’s hardly any work to write in my journal that I made some chicken and mashed potatoes and worked out afterward. Writing a story, however, takes a lot more work. And so to get paid for it for once would be awesome!

I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed. At this site, stories are sort of like ebooks, though they’re free to read. The only difference is that the authors get paid for their work as opposed to volunteering it. There’s no downloading or printing involved, though readers can print whatever they want. At least the writers don’t have to worry about going “out of print!”

Today, however, I’m not writing much. I hate to pass up good money when it’s available so I’m working on and off throughout most of the day. I like both good and slow days at work. The good days are obviously good because of the money. But the slow days allow me to catch up on other things.

My story on the free site still has 4 stars but is up to 1594 views. Who are all these people reading these stories?! LOL

It’s so nice to once again feel hopeful, happier, and like I have a reason to get up each day. Hell, I don’t even hate my sister so much anymore (not that I want to be buddies)! For a while there I felt so stuck in a rut and like there was nothing to look forward to. I feel traces of those old feelings of the peace that comes with having extra money like we did during those fun times in Maricopa and Oregon. I really wasn’t kidding when I said we usually have money. Since starting my online journal, however, I’ve done nothing but bitch about money, for the most part, so I can see where one may think otherwise, but seriously, I’m a spoiled bitch who’s used to having money to pamper herself with. Only this time around she’s going to do more saving than pampering!

[patricksmusicblog]

2023 Album Reviews/Thoughts

Some summeries, reviews and thoughts I had about albums released last year.

Owl City- Coco Moon: The production is solid in sound/production. The vocal performances are okay. The lyrics are mediocre though as are the overall songs. May work with a more youthful audience though. 6/10

Princess Nokia- I Love You But This is Goodbye: This is a good little EP about the ends and outs, ups and downs of heartbreak. As per usual it's elastic and expansive. Though there are moments I find Princess Nokia's vocals to be weak. There are moments when her passion and authentication cut through. 7/10

Aly & AJ- With Love From: A nice summery indie-pop/rock album. A lot of tracks to play loud on an open road with top down in somewhat breezy sun burnt weather. Nice harmonies and hooks abound. The slower hooks drag things down to an extent. This is also not an album I imagine I'll go back to much but for what it's attempting to achieve I think it accomplishes that. 7.0/10

Weezer-SZNZ: Winter: Solid effort from Weezer some catchy alt-rock tunes, nerdy songwriting Coumo's nasaly vocals all things Weezer is great at and known for is here. Not essential but good. 7/10

Conway The Machine & Jae Skeese- Pain Provided Profit: A tight and concise project that's a commonly gritty Griselda affair, grimmy and yet soulful and contemplative beats matching Conway and Skeese's ability to be braggadocious and heartfelt at the same time. A solid EP 8.0/10

Logic- College Park: This is Maryland MC Logic's eighth studio LP and this is a quality follow-up to his album Vinyl Days released last year last year was Boom Bap Logic this year is Jazz rap Logic. It's a really really good album, there's a lot of soul-baring about substance abuse and avoiding those pitfalls and ideas of getting more true to who he really was. There's an 8.5-9.0 album in here somewhere but it's watered down by lesser tracks there are seventeen songs here which is just too many but ultimately it's still a solid effort and something long-time Logic fans can get into. 7.5/10

Statik Slektah-Round Trip: The latest LP from Statik Slektah is a dope effort, that has a piano-driven and somewhat jazz-rap sound that features a mixture of 90's legends and younger artists some of which are legends at this point now as well. It's a 20-track project and the first half is where the strongest tracks lie. All are great but the best include "Unpredictable" feat Inspectah Deck, Ghostface Killah, Raekwon and Method Man, "Ain't Too Much Too It" ft Conway, Life & Times ft Joey Bada$$ and "Lion Heart" with Elzhi and Boldy James. The rest is slowed down by lesser guests and beats lacking quality. All in all a good effort particularly for those who love the current crop of underground MCs that have been making noise from 2018 to the present day. 7.5/10

Paramore- This is Why: Paramore is ever-growing, their last LP was a foray into synth-pop and this one is more of a post-punk album. This album is sharp musically a lot of catchy guitar riffs and layers of sounds underneath the mix. Hayley is vocally great she's shifting velocities and tonalities greatly. Lyrically the album is as content rich as any Paramore album. Trying to be considerate of others, and dealing with how sad the news is among other things. It's a tight album, 10 great tracks 8.0/10

7XVETHEGENIUS-The Genius Tape: 7xvethegenius is a solid rapper this project feels like a lyrical exercise for her coming from the Drumwork camp. "Brainstorm" ft Conway the Machine is a highlight, as is the storytelling on "Lost on Mars" and then there's the Rome Streets and Che Noir's "Neck Protected". 7.5/10

Conway The Machine-Won't He Do It: Conway follows up with 2022 essential God Doesn't Make Mistakes with Won't He Do It, an album that's much more versatile production-wise, and features different sounds from the lush "The Chosen" to the piano-laden "Monogram" or the R&B influenced Water to Wine" you actually know what to expect track to track than any Conway The Machine album to this point and I really enjoy that. This album while not having quite the depth and soul searching of the previous album, is more celebratory and features an array of flows and skill sets. He sounds comfortable and effortless on this project. Great work 8.5/10

Killer Mike-Michael: Michael is Killer Mike's sixth LP and really his most personal and forthright album to this point. Backed by a great production that features some gospel/soul influence that feels classically Atlanta. The album tackles issues he dealt with as a youth, from naively poising the community ("Something for The Junikes") to adolescent love mishandled ("Slummer") to the impact of losing his mother and grandma. This album gives you a sense of the good and bad that shaped Killer Mike. I also love the EL-P-assisted "Don't Let the Devil" for a more southern-fried RTJ feel. I appreciate "Two Days" where Mike touches on the prison industrial system and the politics that keep it going. At every turn, Mike is sharp, heartfelt, and thoughtful. The features on the album all come through with good performances from Atlanta pioneers like Ceelo and Andre 3000 to current-day essentials like Young Thug and Future. Michael's an excellent album and a refreshing solo effort aside from the work with EL-P. 9/10

Nas & Hitboy- Magic 2: Nas and Hit-boy continue their run with their fifth album in 3 years and 2nd edition in the Magic series. While the 2021 Magic felt like an exercise in traditionalism, finding Nas rhyming over an updated 90s sound with rhyming up to par with his prime. Magic 2 finds himself more aligned with modern times tracks like "Motion" and "Earvin Magic Johnson" sound more car and club-ready than anything on the original Magic and tracks like "Abracadabra" are more thematically aligned than most of what's on the original Magic. The more thoughtful and introspective tracks tucked in the back of the album are the strongest, "What it Really Means", "Slow it Down" and "Pistols on Your Album Cover" are all great pieces of work. Par for the course at this point. 8.5/10

Meet me @ the Alter- Past//Present//Future: Meet me @ the Alter is a pop-punk band that has been working toward this moment for a while through a series of EPs and singles that showed a band bustling with pop-punk energy and hooks that only come from a strong appreciation for the pop-punk we came upon. Past//Present//Future is the baby of all that hard work. I love the catchy and snarky "Say it to My Face" I also enjoy the chunky distorted guitars on "Try" a song that speaks to pushing through anxiety and going for things anyway. "T.M.I" is my absolute favorite on the project though, I think it's one of the best vocal performances from Edith Victoria, best chorus and overall well-written tunes here. The bass and big chorus on King of Everything make for a really good close to the album. It's a really good/fun project for the band that leaves plenty of room for improvement and expansion musically and lyrically. 7.5/10

Protomartyr-Formal Growth in the Desert: This is the sixth project from Detroit's post-punk band Protomartyr. As customary for a Protomatyr album, you'll get sprawling guitars as well as walls of atmospheric sound. You're gonna get lead vocalist and lyricist Joe Casey's impassioned vocal performances and his great lyrics. "Fun in Hi Skool" is a great song seemingly about the inability to let go of the past to the point where it ruins your present and future. "Let's Tip The Creator" is my favorite on the project, I think it has some of the best guitar playing and drumming. Protomartyr has always been adept at shifting tones and progressing as tracks progress and with Joe Casey's lyrics being thoughtful yet abstract it invites more and more listens. 8.0/10

Dream Wife-Social Lubrication: Dream Wife's third full-length album is much like their previous efforts a place where youthful exuberance meets thoughtful contemplations and some righteous rebellion. There's "Who do you want to be?" A call to mobilization instead of stagnation. The title track speaks to being buttered up and being made to get comfortable with getting screwed over. "Leech" speaks to men, companies people etc who exploit and use women for what they provide. All great tracks. You still get simple tracks punk tracks like "I Want You" or "Orbit" a song about an attraction that almost feels meant to be. Sonically the band switches between straightforward punk to more of a post-punk sound that definitely more beneficial when they're to get a message across. It's their 3rd straight great album in my opinion. 8.0/10

Noname-Sundial: Sundail is the third full album by Chicago rapper Noname. Noname is a rapper who has always been adept at rhyming conscious, poetic but abstract at the same time. She's an artist who wears her culture on her sleeve and cares deeply about the state of it. She's also someone who over time has just gotten better and better at rapping. She's always had a nimble and fluid flow, but this is her least quiet album yet, she's come through with more stronger presence on the mic and more charisma to it. Topically "Hold Me Down" speaks to black people only holding each other down when it's convenient particularly monetarily. "Balloons" on why there was a musical hiatus for Noname in the first place which is the exploitative nature of selling black trauma to voyeuristic white people who are entertained by black trauma. "Beauty Supply" tackles the self-loathing that inherently comes with adapting Eurocentric beauty standards. There's not a turn on this album where Noname has nothing to say. There's very little wasted space on the album. Yet there are lighthearted and fun moments here as well like "Boomboom" or "Toxic". It's a great album that seems sure to reward with more listens. 8.5/10

Nas & Hitboy- Magic 3: Nas completes their amazing run with their third installment in the Magic series Magic 3. To the surprise of no one, It's another great project that features great production and rhymes from Hitboy and Nas. From the production standpoint, Hit-Boy dives more into a soul sample style here a lot of soulful beats and vocals floating in the background of these tracks. Meanwhile, Nas just showcases his skillset, rapping well is a prerequisite for him at this point so it's really about the direction and how the tracks meld together at this point. "I Love This Feeling" track 4 on the project is the first song that I think is steller on the project it has a great soulful almost jazzy sound to it, and Nas is just sharp and speaking to loving the place he's in in life. "Based on True Events pt1" and "pt 2" find Nas getting into his storytelling bag both efforts are vivid. The first one is seemingly a little more personal speaking to doing some personal investigating on a friend's murder and honoring Havoc of Mobb Deep's brother who was murdered. "Pt 2" echo's a song like "Nigga's Bleed' from the late great Notorious B.I.G. "Blue Bently" and "Jodeci Member"are both bangers on the album tracks you could ride in the car too. The album tetters between celebratory and contemplative and Nas is great at both. The lone feature on the project is Lil Wayne who shows out on his verse his flow is fluid and he really rises to the occasion. It's another great effort from Nas & Hitboy and in the end, I think this is an excellent send-off to their run. 8.5/10

Drake- For All The Dogs: Another blockbuster Drake event and similar to the last 3 it's a bloated affair that attempts to please multiple audiences and run up the streaming numbers by any means necessary. The album is 23 tracks long with a runtime of over 84 minutes which from a modern perspective is a long project, one that Drake isn't capable of carrying to greatness. The album thematically leans more R&B and specifically speaks to Drake and his dealing with women. How they do him dirty and how he returns the favor. The best of the R&B include "Slime Me Out" ft SZA which features some of the best vocal work from Drake. "Virginia Beach" sets the tone well and with a nice Trap & B feel. However, most of my favorites on the album are the rap cuts. J.Cole has arguably the best verse on the project with "First Person Shooter". "8 Am in Charlette" finds Drake doing what he does best basically giving you an exact snapshot of where he is in his life, his mindset his mentality, and where he thinks he fits within the game. I enjoy the levity found on "Another Late Night" ft Lil Yachty. However the absolute best track on the album is "Away From Home" a track detailing everything went through to get to the point where he's at, all the rejections and no's he had to endure to get to where he's at in the game. All in all, I think For All The Dogs is a solid effort it's too long and a bit meandering at times. I think some of the R&B is a bit generic at times but I think the highlights make it worthwhile to listen through once to pick out the tracks you like and make a playlist out of those you enjoy. 7.0/10

Earl Sweatshirt & Alchemist-Voir: Earl's interesting because he's a really good/great rapper who's grown from more of a wordy abstract rapper who would impress with dense dexterous rhyme patterns. He's still that way but much more direct, maybe more monotone and monotonous than he ever used to be. You can't care about charisma, or wide-ranging vocal dynamics if you're going to be into Earl Sweatshirt. It can often feel as though Earls just rambling over these beats. However, he's still nice and stern on these soulful and beautiful beats from Alchemist. Earl has a way of still being heartfelt and vulnerable there's a weariness and soul-searching nature to him on these tracks. I love the bright synths on "Heat Check" and the soul samples that come in on that track. The guitar-laden "27 Braids" is a highlight of the project. "Mac Deuce" is my favorite on the project though Alchemist's fluttering swirling beat sounds great under Earl's vocal. There are two tracks with Vince Staples on the project but neither disappoints with "The Celiphant" being the best of the two. 7.5/10

Westside Gunn-And Then You Pray For Me: And Then You Pray For Me is essentially a sequel to Westside Gunn's most acclaimed effort and Pray for Paris a nearly perfect representation of East Coast underground hip-hop circa 2020. And Then You Pray For Me, finds Westside staying close to roots while also itching to expand his sound outward. Much like Westside's taste for traditional East Coast boom bap and blending that with elegance and opulence, he has a taste for classic trap music, done in the mid-00s by artists like Jeezy, T.I., and Ross. "Kostas' is Griselda trap featuring the big three in Benny The Butcher, Conway The Machine, and Westside Gunn himself and they sound right at home on the beat the track is meant to play in your ride at high volume. The album goes back right into some menacing hard East Coast sounds with "Suicide in Selfridges" the "Eurostep" of this project. "Kitchen Lights" ft Stove God is in my opinion probably the best track on the project it has the best production, love the lush strings on here as Westside paints the picture of his background as Stove romantizes cooking up the work under kitchen lights. There's something about Stove's serious yet somehow unhinged tone when singing that makes this track. "Disgusting" is dark and menacing and speaks to Westside's ethos "Yeah a ngga from the hood but a ngga bougie though". It's another banger on the album with trap percussion that sounds like it'll sound nice in your ride. Then he turns back to that standard gritty sound with "Babylon Bis" ft Stove God Cooks, They're both strong on here but Stove just shows why his album is so anticipated in the underground. On this album, I think Westside finds a way to bring a trap sound in and still blend it into Griselda's world. It's 21 tracks long though which means there more variance in quality here than your average Westside project. Still, I think it's a strong project. 8.0/10

City Girls-RAW: City Girls are back with their 4th project in RAW. This isn't as good as their 2020 album City on Lock. That album had more energy from track to track, still "No Bars" is among the best on the project which features some of the best of the project. I wish JT would just go solo, she can rap and I'm more curious and what she has to say lyrically. "Fancy Ass B*tch" is another highlight of the project it has some of the best production on here. "Flashy" is a solid pop-rap tune. Outside of that, almost everything is formulaic and a couple tracks are awful due to blatant sampling and straight-beat jacking. The City Girls have something but it just doesn't feel like they're progressing musically and it doesn't even feel like they're on the same page at times. 6.5/10

Reason- Porches: Reason is a good artist, I really enjoyed his 2018 album There You Have It, Then he dropped New Beginnings, and that one actually escaped me. Reason's new album speaks to coming from the ghetto and the good and bad that comes from that. It's a great album that finds Reason telling stories of homies that are good and have a lot to lose getting off track due to the street element on "A Broken Winter Break". He touches on generational curses as well as the same friend who was watching the older brother repeat some of his same actions later on on "Bussin". Love the flow pattern on "Too Much" as he gets introspective about how he came from the bottom but how still deals with issues even though he's seen "success". He's basically saying I'm not a superhero I go through issues too. On the fun side "At it Again' is my favorite song with some bounce on it, a great track to ride too. On "Gang sh*t" Reason touches on how people feel as though you switch up when you made it but when the really only thing that has changed is them. The album could've been a lot sharper at 12 or 13 songs but at 17 it feels like it drags a bit but that's how things go with hip-hop albums these days. Still, this was a great project from Reason. 8/10.

Lil Wayne & 2Chainz-Welcome 2 Collegrove: Lil Wayne & 2Chainz's first collaborative effort Collegrove while solid didn't really grab my attention when released, Wayne's career was somewhat in a lull and I wasn't the biggest 2Chainz fan. On Welcome 2 Collegrove things are much different Lil Wayne feels like he's getting into a 2nd prime and 2Chainz is a really quality MC at this point. This album also feels more highly produced and organized with varying sounds. "Big Diamonds ft 21 Savage has that classic cash money/New Orleans sound produced by none other than the great Mannie Fresh. It felt good to hear Wayne go back to his roots on that sound. There's the bounce and whistling sound of "Presha" on which Wayne showcases his great flow. "P.P.A" has a great jazzy sound, and has a lush sound as 2Chainz, Wayne, and, Fabulous wax poetic about women's genitalia. Wayne once again has the best verse on this one. "Oprah & Gayle" ft Benny The Butcher is sharp again the production is strong, everyone is great but Wayne dominates this one again. "Shame" is fun because they take on a Wu-Tang-influenced track produced by Havoc where they reference to being like Rae & Ghost. The Havoc-produced "Bars" is excellent as well. "Can't Believe You" has a beautiful opulent sound where Wayne is the MVP as well. Wayne is the MVP of the album. He's competitive, his flow is nimble, and his wit is on point. The sequencing is on point as well. Great album. 8/10

Kamaiyah- Another Good Night: A Good Night in the Ghetto(2016) is truly the principal project for Kamaiyah and one where she showcased her penchant for hooks, melody, and, an around-the-way arura on 90's flavored West Coast production(highly recommended). While this tape is similar in aesthetic. The quality of the tape is about 2 or 3 notches below what that project was. The best track was the first track "Raining Game in California" It has a catchy hook and Jay Worthy is strong. "Take a Sip" repurposes "Out The Bottle" and is a track worthy of being on the album. After that there are really a lot of middling Kamaiyah tracks with a lot of them being no longer than 2 minutes long barely long enough to establish a vibe and leave. It's a fun lil project still but I found her EP Still Lit released late last year to be better not to mention 2020's Got it Made. 6.5/10

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary171

3/3-4/2024

sunday - monday

a nice day off i guess.

back 2 feeling bad tomorrow though. not that bad though. the next 2 days are just 3 hour shifts, but after that,,,, 2 more days off, and then 2 more 7.5 hour shifts. isn't that sooo cooooool.

i know people live like that normally but really they should not i think. it is not good for people.

anyway, today i've mostly been mixing this one song, since i'm not going in early tomorrow, i'm gonna be able to record vocals probably tomorrow, so i'm thinking i'm gonna do that for this song, replacement vocals for parts/because i disliked some lyrics. and then maybe some more stuff re: vocals on other songs. whatever i need to do to get things done, and if it's stuff that's like, simple, as in, going in and re-recording, that'll be good.

i should get a list of songs i need to re-record together, for vocals, and songs that need new lyrics. huhmmmmmmmm. i don't want to make it tedious though. but i guess it just might end up that way... frustrating and sad and a whole lot of other things. idk. it's just hard to get practiced rn. my gf and i are like home at the same times mostly. i just need time to myself to like, practice i feel like. but i don't really want her to go when i'm off work or whatever.

testing some stuff out to get these vocals to sound right, the parts/bones i do like/ need to help guide me, i think.

one idea was less distortion, i always do a bit too much, and then another was i forgot on the master fx, the weird high pass filters on psp infinistrip's compressors. i know what they do now, better, they just make the songs i'm making sound better when i push them up higher, i think. so i'm doing that.

i did take a long break at around 11 pm where i played elden ring some, i fought some random bosses, stuff like that, i found a cute chest piece to wear. that is one criticism i have of the game, not enough pretty/cute armor, dark souls had so much, demon's souls was very cool looking imo, ds3 was also good, ds2 was weird but good ultimately. elden ring lacks in that department, i think. very strange.

i also just need to buy a new mouse soon, this one is double clicking by accident/malfunction, super annoying.

another thing, i want to do some stuff to that horse thing i did yesterday, i had an idea for things to draw over top of it/modify it with gut-y things. it could be good, for something, idk what though.

since i am sleepy, i'll cut this one short i guess, a final bit of thinking though, re: today

i was thinking about like, why i like music w/ screaming in it, in the shower today, and about how it reminds me of this noise in my head sometimes, it's not like, coming from anger, it's like a violent and incoherent thought, not violent outwardly, but its happening, it is an eruption of some sort, it is a straight line, or like, an epiphany, a gust of wind from where but leading me elsewhere, it is gravity, it gives me something but its utterances can't really be expressed. this is all to say, it's inarticulate to the point of articulating something, it used to appear a lot more, when i was a lot more unwell i guess, it was like screaming and also the scraping of a machine, it didn't crowd out the ability to think though, it was concurrent with my internal voice, it was a phenomenon, i lived beside it, or it lived through me, idk. i hope it doesn't sound deluded to say it articulated something in its incoherence, because i don't think it articulated anything meaningful on the level of like, what i am, you know. it gave me very little except a feeling, it revealed itself as a feeling speaking totally, its own voice, i guess, cleaved from the semantic structures i live by typically, another voice speaking wrong, i guess the gnashing of the teeth, an abjection appearing inside me, or maybe the waste produced in thought reached out and shook me. that is what it seems like now. it is a theoretical thing, almost, spurred on by difficult circumstance in my life. music like orchid or powerviolence or anything else really excessive along similar lines speaks that same sort of position i think, or it at least seems to emerge from there. not necessarily rage or whatever, it doesn't have to be angry, it is just brittle and coming apart. i was thinking of this beside why my girlfriend doesn't seem to always like that stuff, and i think it's more that to her, it recalls being screamed at, rather than a wall of noise that can be pointed outward (recalling cybernetic hypothesis' idea of a zone of offensive haze now), or used to shroud oneself. this is a difference of experience but not desire, since we want that same thing, but we imagine it differently.

this is what makes us a good couple, i think.

currently waiting for this final export now. i am so actually almost painfully tired i feel like.

okay... that was not the final one, but maybe this will be.. ihope.

i think i will just have to figure this one out tomorrow, but it's getting there, i think the instrumental is sitting at the right volume but idk what's up with the vocal mix. maybe too many scooped mids? idk. a weird sound overall. maybe it has to do w/ the not distorted low end? i can try fooling w/ that tomorrow as well.

anyway, i need to sleep now so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thesinglesjukebox]

JUNGELI FT. IMEN ES, ALONZO, ABOU DEBEING & LOSSA - "PETIT GÉNIE"

Unlike our past two songs, no relation to murder...

[6.69]

Nortey Dowuona: "C'est pas avec amour qu'on achète vêtements." It's a very cutting lyric once I found a translation of it ("It's not with love that we buy clothes"), and it's true. Jungeli, as a singer and as a presence (in the video at least), is a sweet, light-hearted kid who radiates joy in any room he enters. His voice is light and silken, and threads through the song even when he's not leading a verse. But it doesn't have gravity or weight, so everything he sings floats, including a Lingala verse close to the end of the track. His interplay with Abou Debeing, who also has a light tenor with a bit of bass, allows for a comfortable hand-off between the two. The lilting guitar melody that Jungeli mimics is light as well: it sidewinds through the drum pattern built by DJ Wills, who's produced for the likes of MHD, Bramsito, and Alrima. Imen Es brings a weightier heft to the chorus when she sings it. Her voice is the highest on the track but feels substantial and firm, a comfortable interpretation of the notes placed in the front of the mix. Lossa's deeper tenor can't do the same, simply dragging as the echoes placed below him fill the track to an uncomfortable and unengaging degree. (Imen Es's return is a blessing.) Alonzo has the deepest voice, the sharpest and most distinct flow, but it's such a short, sharp shock that Jungeli's looping verse lulls you back out of the abrupt switch in intensity. "Petit Génie" is so short that you think there's nothing more there for you, it won't put a career on Jungeli's back. But you listen again. And again. And once more. It's still at #1 — he deserves it.  [8]

Mark Sinker: Such voices. Everyone in the room seems to be making a gently scuffed, breathily perfect pop noise, high or low — but honestly I wonder if Imen Es hasn’t the most beautiful delivery I’ve ever heard, with a kind of folded shiver in it. I hurried off to hear what else she’s recorded — an LP last year called Train de vie – but I came back again, because I think this company is bringing out the best in her.  [10]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: That first warbled vocal sounds like something you’d hear in a Burial track. And really, this is a song about the pleasure of hearing vocals. Each new singer enters the track to revitalize. Best of all is Imen Es; she sounds like water, so pure and clear. [6]

Kat Stevens: It always amazes me when people release summer jams in winter. I can imagine Jungeli is hoping to get this track established well before the Paris Olympics to ensure some tasty beach volleyball montage royalties, but unfortunately it's way too late for a rhythmic gymnastics routine (that shiz needs at least a year of prep). The highlight is Imen Es piercing through the breezy beats like a territorial blackbird — a perfect accompaniment for a fluttering ribbon. Maybe LA 2028? [7]

Kayla Beardslee: “Petit Génie” mixes the frantic whistles and percussion stutters of gqom with sunny guitar and relaxed vocals that feel much more Afrobeats — but it’s all in French, with features from various hip-hop artists (and R&B singer Imen Es, who absolutely eats the men up). The result is pleasant, though the mix of influences feels less like stitching together a tapestry and more like throwing it all in a blender. [6]

Katherine St. Asaph: Groove is OK, but every vocalist here is about 66% as good as they needed to be. [5]

Taylor Alatorre: Am I wrong for thinking that this sounds like a Francophone nightcore remix of "Am I Wrong"? And am I wrong for thinking Nico & Vinz deserve a better one? [3]

Jessica Doyle: If I squint I can see something interesting in the tension between the stated text, pointedly superficial and unsentimental, and the musical atmosphere of friends hanging out and taking turns. I can see why this got popular: it provides a nice backdrop for an outdoor party. But I’m alone right now, so: [4]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: I really do love posse cuts. "Petit Génie" serves as a helpful reminder of their benefits – take a collection of middling hooks and verses, staple them together over a pretty but anonymous beat, and achieve something much greater than the sum of its parts. [7]

Thomas Inskeep: A lovely, breezy blend of Afrobeats, hip-hop and R&B, the epitome of ear candy. [7]

Ian Mathers: My French is nowhere near fluent (or remembered; it's been years) enough to keep up with all the different speakers and accents here, but there's a lightness of touch and group-level joy that comes through here, whatever the text actually is. Posse cuts like this can suffer from a lack of consistent quality on the one hand (cf. how annoying I found ArrDee on "Body (Remix)") and not having distinctive enough personalities on the other, but "Petit Génie" doesn't break a sweat threading that particular needle. [7]

Isabel Cole: Feels bigger than it is, in a good way — a sense of richness, lushness even, achieved not through maximalism but through the careful deployment of each component part. I was surprised when I looked at the length by how short it was, also in a good way, as if the song had created such a complete sonic world that time ran differently there. I like how each vocalist brings a slightly different emotional shading, even when they’re singing the same melody. [9]

Leah Isobel: Damn, life is pain. [8]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

[tigirl-and-co]

13 songs I’m listening to

I was tagged by @apple-ships to reveal my atrocious music taste :3 buckle uppppp

My Crush was a Monster Boy’ - Gumi/(the name of the artist is listed in Japanese so i have no idea)

‘Slaying the Dreamer’ - Nightwish (and like a bunch of other Nightwish songs haha)

‘Bad Apple (metal ver.)’ - richaadEB and Christina Vee

‘Movin’ Right Along’ - Kermit/Fozzie (from the Muppet Movie)

‘Baby Shoes’ - Bad Books

‘SING’ - My Chemical Romance (and a bunch of other mcr songs I tend to binge em)

‘Jackass in a Can’ - Galavant

‘First Day of my Life’ - Bright Eyes

‘Drops of Jupiter’ - Train 

‘Little Lion Man’ - Mumford and Sons

‘Cult of Dionysus’ -The Orion Experience

‘Addict (metal cover)’ - Jonathan Young and Christina Vee

‘Doom Crossing: Eternal Horizons’ - The Chalkeaters

and I could go ON, I’ve also been listening to the Oh Hellos and a few folk songs, especially ‘For an Old Kentucky Anarchist’ and junk lmao. I’m trash idk what you’d like me to say

Thank you so much for the tag!!!! I appreciate it <33333

I’ll tag... @talesfromthenorsesmouth @thatgirlwiththeglasses13 @mister-misfit-and-his-internet @moron-selfshipper and @thesugariestbee

[cat3ch1sm]

not to be a como se dice L whore but….hear me out. task force based on how he acts does not think L gets bitches nor wants bitches. one day they come in and hear ✨noises✨ and a few minutes later L comes down completely nonchalant and then i dunno girlfriend comes down (they notice a certain pendant around her neck) just for like two seconds to steal his pastries then go back upstairs to the living abode and the task force is like 😀. as you can see here i can’t write for shit and i will literally pay if needed to see my thoughts come to life by you. now do i only have $6 to my name…maybe [bonus points if we get a quick lil cut scene of L just being a monster pussy eater]

🌱| LMFAOAOA bestie im broke too😭😭 no need to pay me all reqs r free<33 idk how good this is lol i will let u decide ಠ_ಠ

🐢| ANYWAYS let's get into the story because this request is a rollercoaster😭😭 idk if this was supposed to b x reader or not but i made it x reader bc it's what i usually write anyway lol, enjoy!!

"Aw, man, I'm so sleepyyy!" Matsuda whined, eyelids drooping and gait sluggish as he trudged through the doors into the task force headquarters. "I wish L wouldn't insist we come here at four in the morning... and getting through the security is always such a process. I hope our rooms are ready soon so we don't have to come all the way from home to out here..."

Aizawa, trailing just behind Matsuda, was a little less vocal about his lethargy, but it was clear he was tired as well. "Well, the Kira investigation isn't to be taken lightly- we need all the time we can get," he stated firmly. "But to be honest, it would be nice to get a little more sleep- we don't get home until midnight, and then we have to get up and come right back four hours later."

"I'm sure our rooms will be ready at some point, and we won't lose so much sleep then. But that isn't what's important right now," Light reminded the men in an authoritative tone.

"My son is right. It may be draining, but this isn't something to be taken lightly. A few hours less of sleep isn't anything compared to the thousands of deaths that are still occurring," Soichiro asserted, moving past all of the other men and placing his briefcase down on the ground beside the swivel chair where L usually sat. Suddenly noticing its emptiness, he straightened up, looking around the room. "Ryuzaki isn't here?"

"Maybe he's asleep," Matsuda griped, "like we should be." Groggily, he went up to the chair and dropped down onto it, letting his whole body slouch as he shut his eyes.

Light glanced at Matsuda wearily. "Don't be ridiculous, Matsuda- Ryuzaki never sleeps. But I've really never seen him outside of this room, either... where could he be?"

The group's thoughts were interrupted when a very faint sound emitted from upstairs- so faint they almost missed it.

"Hey- maybe that's Ryuzaki now," Aizawa suggested, setting his own things down beside Soichiro's and moving toward the staircase to greet the detective.

But as the noises grew louder, it became increasingly apparent that they were not at all footsteps- and they grew more and more frequent and continued to increase in volume until the men downstairs were finally able to make out just what they were.

Sticky, clear liquid was spurting all over your thighs as they trembled, L's nose still buried in your sopping heat as he relentlessly licked your swollen clit, his warm tongue running rapidly over your soaking folds and tracing your entrance teasingly. Whimpering as you orgasmed violently, spraying your cum all over L's lips and hands, you made an attempt to close your legs, face burning as you drenched the man beneath you in your juices. However, your efforts were futile as L held your legs open, his grip like steel, and you were only met with a monotone "Stay still" as you struggled to keep your moans from getting too loud. You gripped the sides of the chair you were sitting on as roughly as you could, needing to focus on something, anything else but the consuming ecstasy exploding within your body. L's eyes lifted to meet yours, his pink tongue visible to you as you watched him continue to eat you out despite this being your second orgasm in the past twenty minutes. L had allowed you absolutely no recovery time after you first came, and now here you were, squirting like mad and almost in tears from your overstimulation.

"Ryu- Ryuzaki, there a-are people downstairs," you managed in between shaky moans, breathing ragged and chest heaving. "Don't you have w-ork- work to do?"

"Don't try and distract me, Y/N," L replied, swirling his tongue around your throbbing clit and making you cry out. "I'll be finished as soon as you're done messing up my hair." To emphasize, he removed his hand from your trembling thigh and twirled a strand of dark, damp hair in between his fingers, humiliating you more and making you drop your eyes, flustered.

Still, cum continued to drip from your entrance, your sex pulsating as you tried to bring your high down, wrenching your hips in the chair as his tongue tormented your already aching pussy. "L- L, please, I can't- I'm done, I pro-promise."

L lifted a brow at you. "Oh- you're done? Then what's this?" Without warning, he plunged a slender finger into you to point out the liquid still spilling out, and all you could manage was a strangled groan, your back arching. "Be patient... 'kay?"

Downstairs, the room had been silent for a while- disbelieving of what they'd just heard upstairs. Finally, his eyes narrowed into suspicious slits, Light demanded, "What the- hell?"

There was no response from the other three men. Matsuda now seemed fully awake, sitting at attention in his chair with his eyes wide. Soichiro had his head in his hand, his eyes closed in exasperation. Aizawa simply stood idle, shell-shocked. Everyone was silent, completely stunned.

The room was still frozen when the absent detective finally dragged himself down the stairs, hands in his jeans pockets and barefoot as usual. Nothing of the incident with you remained, his clothes, face, and hair as clean as they usually were. Not acknowledging the bewildered stares of the task force members that followed him to where he sat down, he cleared his throat and turned to face the men in the room. "Hello, everyone. There is much to be done- shall we begin?"

It was just after that greeting that more footsteps sounded on the stairs- but when the men all looked up again, still jilted from the prior incident, it was not someone they recognized. It was you, also having cleaned up, and nothing of the occurrence minutes prior remained in your physical appearance nor the way you carried yourself. Casually and as if you knew them, you nodded at the task force men as you passed by them, L not turning to greet you. You felt their eyes seem to zoom in on you when you made no attempt to hide the pendant around your neck- the single charm being L's signature initial inscribed in gothic font.

None of the men visibly returned your greeting, but you brushed it off, simply approaching L and leaning over his hunched-over body to pluck two miniature cupcakes from the arsenal of desserts he had laying across the surface of his desk. Your sweets acquired, you lifted your arm slightly in a small wave before disappearing back up the stairs.

L, although covertly, glanced up towards you and watched you vanish before turning back to his work.

[hopespeak-hs-hostclub]

may i request hajime destroying readers insides for flirting with other guys afab reader with she/her pronouns?

I LOVE JEALOUS HAJIME. Ofc, let’s go! I hope you like it 🙈I had fun writing it! Sorry it took me a little longer than I’d have liked!!!

Hajime Jealous Afab Reader

18+ ONLY. DO NOT READ IF UNDER 18!!!!! NSFW: story under cut

TW:// NSFW, jealousy, over stimulation, mentions of drinking

Word Count:// 2,262

You were so excited for Hajime to come home so you could show him your outfit. You’d finally gotten the new clothes you ordered in the mail, and one outfit in particular made you feel so hot. You’d done your makeup all dramatic to match, and even did your hair all nice, knowing your boyfriend should be on his way home from work by now. You planned on showing him the new outfit and taking him out to a bar to dance, drink, and have a good time.

So when Hajime walked through the door and barely even looked at you, you were obviously upset. “Hajime..” you whispered as you stood behind him, while he was walking into the kitchen.

He sighed heavily and turned around to face you. “Yes?” He asked plainly. He didn’t seem to be very interested, almost like he didn’t even care.

“I … I was just asking if you liked my new outfit… I was hoping maybe we could go to the bar and have a fun night…” you said, feeling and sounding let down.

“Oh yea, you look fine.” Hajime said only answering the first part of your statement, and not really seeming as excited about your outfit as you’d hoped.

“Just… fine?” You asked suddenly getting a little angry. Hajime just nodded and turned back around, opening the fridge. “Wow..” you said in disbelief. “So I get all dressed up and sexy for you so we could have a nice night out, and all you do is say I look ‘fine’?” You started going off not even giving him a chance to respond. “Well fuck it Hajime. I’m going to the bar without you. I’ll have a good night by myself.” You said as you quickly grabbed your purse and keys, heading outside, leaving Hajime standing in the kitchen dumbfounded.

‘What the fuck did I do?’ Hajime thought to himself. He’d had a really stressful day at work, and now he gets home and all you want to do is argue with him? Hajime sighs heavily and slams the fridge door shut, not even grabbing the drink he wanted and storms upstairs, immediately taking off all his clothes, showering up, and changing into a nicer outfit. He then hopped into his car, and started to drive to the nearest bar which was about 15 minutes from your shared apartment.

At the bar, you ordered 3 shots for yourself. And once you downed those you were feeling confident as ever. ‘Fuck Hajime. He doesn’t appreciate me. I look fantastic tonight and he didn’t even care. But somebody will.’ You thought to yourself while scanning the room. You immediately saw an incredibly attractive man sitting by himself. ‘Not nearly attractive as Hajime, but who is?’ You thought in your head. You took a deep breathe, stood up from your seat, and smoothly glided across the bar to the seat across from the man who currently had all your attention.

“Hi- I’m Y/N.” You said in a flirty tone while smiling at him.

“Well, hello there Y/N.” He said while smirking back at you. “You look absolutely fucking stunning tonight you know?” The stranger went on. “Like god damn, that shirt? You look phenomenal!” He made your whole face blush bright red.

You decided to slide a little closer to him and asked him, “So what’s a big handsome guy like yourself doing out here all alone tonight?” You asked, twirling your hair.

As you continued to flirt with your mystery bar toy, Hajime snuck in without you noticing. He began scanning the room to find you, and almost immediately spotted you. And a guy staring down your shirt? ‘Oh fuck no’ Hajime stopped thinking completely. He took a few big strides over towards your direction and forcefully grabbed your hand. “Hey, babe,” he said while staring daggers at the other guy.

“H-Hajime..” you said staring at him.

“Who’s your friend?” Hajime asked still not taking his eyes off the guy.

“I- .. don’t know,” you confessed. “It wasn’t anything serious. He was just being friendly Hajime-“ you started to explain. The guy across from you just sat there mouth slightly agape staring at the awkward situation unfold in front of him.

Hajime tugged your arm up, and you stood up with it, staring at him. “Let’s go home, Y/N,” Hajime said holding you close by his side.

Hajime drove you home even though your car was still at the bar. He knew you’d been drinking and even if he was currently upset, he’s be devastated if you got hurt, or if you hurt somebody else. The drive home was only 15 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Hajime didn’t say a single word to you the entire drive, and had the radio off. It was a deafening silence. One you’d pulled up to your building, Hajime wasted no time turning the car off and storming into the building, and once in your apartment, you followed him into the bedroom.

“Sit.” Hajime demanded, pointing at the edge of your bed, while standing across from it.

You sat down where he pointed and looked up at him.

“Explain.” Hajime said sharply.

“Hajime- I dressed up so cute, and so happy and confident and I was so excited for you to come home and tell me how sexy I was and I was hoping you’d be excited to take me out and show me off, but you didn’t care. But that guy said I looked pretty. He actually noticed that I put in effort….” You blurted out all at once.

“So you think I didn’t care?” Hajime snapped back. “I couldn’t have had a bad day at work, or needed 5 minutes to myself? And then you went and snuck around my back flirting with the first man who gives you any attention?” Hajime sounded angry. He didn’t even give you a second to answer him when he started speaking again. “No. Fuck that. Fuck all of that. You’re mine.” He smirked suddenly and took a few steps towards you, pushing you backwards onto the bed. “All. Mine.” He said seductively as he took his shirt off. “And I’m going to prove that to you right now, okay?” You nodded slightly staring into the eyes that are now directly above yours. “Use your words, y/n.”

“Y-yes Hajime,” you stammered out shocked. Hajime almost never takes charge like this- but god were you excited.

Hajime began kissing your neck, up and down, and all over until he heard you gasp softly. When he heard that gasp he started kissing, and sucking, and biting on that spot trying to get you to be more vocal. You moaned very softly, trying not to make any noise, which was good enough for your boyfriend, who moved his lips up to yours. He continued on to kiss you oh so softly, making you practically melt into the mattress you were laying in the middle of, until he suddenly bit your lip, causing you to open it just enough for him to slip his tongue into your open mouth. You moaned out softly into his mouth, much louder than you’d anticipated. Hajime then pulled away from you, so he hovered above you. “Shirt,” he only said that one word and you immediately sat up and threw your new top onto the floor. Noticing that you weren’t in a bra immediately, Hajime’s hands instantly started grabbing and playing with your breasts. And then his mouth.

“Hajime-“ you breathed out softly, followed by a few soft moans. “Mm… I love you…”

Hajime stopped playing with you and look at you. “Is that why you flirt with strangers?” He asked, not waiting for an answering before moving his hand down to your thighs, slowly moving his fingers up your little skirt. You took a deep breath and shut your eyes tight.

“Now, here’s what’s going to happen, y/n,” Hajime whispered against your ear in a low sultry voice. “I’m going to destroy your insides, and prove that you’re all mine. Got it?” Hajime pulled his face away from yours and looked at you, awaiting an answer from you this time.

“Yes Hajime,” you whimpered back. And at that, he wasted zero time. Slowly, he moved his long slender fingers to push your panties to the side, and sliding another up and down your already soaking wet slit. Your breathing quickly sped up, and got much heavier. He continued to tease you for a few moments until you moaned out loud. “F-fuck..” you threw your head back and pushed your hips up towards his fingers, begging for more contact. Hajime happily obliged, and slowly put his long index finger inside of you, curling it once it was all the way in. “Holy shit…” you gasped excitedly.

“What, do you like that?” Hajime inquired with a smug look across his face, as he continued to fuck you slowly with his index finger. You nodded frantically, but to your dismay, he stopped moving his finger completely and pulled it out, looking at you. “Use your words, Princess,” Hajime ordered you.

“Y-yes Hajime, I love it so much, please keep going..” you were practically crying waiting for him to fuck you with his finger again. But when he reentered you, this time he used two fingers. “Mm, fuck..” you moaned out as you grabbed the back of hajime’s hair, pulling him in to kiss him. He kissed back, as he continued to finger fuck you for a little while longer. Then he curled his fingers again and you couldn’t contain yourself. “FUCK!” You screamed thrusting your hips up trying to get him to go deeper. “Hajime please, I- hhhhhng- I need you. I need more of - ahh- you. Please Hajime please,” you rambled on in between moans and groans.

“Are you sure you want more?” Hajime teased you, while slowly taking fingers out and slamming them back into you.

“Holy fuck- ahhh- yes please Hajime please please I’m begging you.”

Hajime instantly pulled his fingers out and threw his jeans and boxers off in the blink of an eye. He was already rock hard despite you not having touched him at all tonight. You could feel yourself getting wetter by the second, just staring at him glistening above you.

“H-Hajime please…” you begged, spreading your legs open for him. “Please…” you started to continue to beg for him, until without warning, he shoved himself inside you. “FUCK!” You screamed out loudly.

Hajime didn’t start slowly- he immediately picked up his pace and he quickly began bottoming you out.

“H- oh. Ahh…haaa…” you moaned through deep breathes. You grabbed onto Hajime’s back and dug your nails into it, receiving a loud hiss from his mouth, resulting in you getting fucked with even more force behind each thrust. You started to move your hips in the same rhythm as Hajime’s, while moving your head up ever so slightly so you could sloppily kiss him. He didn’t notice your head come up to meet his though, so you started to kiss his neck to gain his attention. For just a moment, Hajime’s pace slowed down and got a little bit sloppier while you sucked and bit on his neck, leaving several bright purple marks on him. Hajime pulled his neck away from yours, and pinned your arms above your head, and stared to makeup out with you. He had significantly slowed down his pace, but continued to bottom out the entire time, making you cry out in pleasure with each and every thrust.

“Hajime- ahhh.. I love you..” you cried out in pure bliss. You could feel his huge dick hitting you deep inside. It felt like he was completely moving around all your insides, and just wrecking you. At this point you try to cry out to him, but you can’t even form words. You start drooling and whimpering incoherently with each and every deep hard thrust. You can feel your orgasm creep up on you quickly, and you try to warn Hajime, but you unfortunately can’t make any words come out. Instead, you wrap your legs around his waist as tightly as you can, as you feel yourself tighten around Hajime. Your eyes shut so tight, that all you could see were swirls of light in your eyes. The tip of his dick hits your g-spot one last time, and you felt the pure ecstasy rush from the tips of your toes, all the way through your body as you came hard around Hajime. You were an incoherent mess of moans, screams, and cries.

“Oh, fuck-!” Hajime stuttered out as he messily slammed himself into you a few more times, before losing control of himself and finishing deep inside of you. As his thick warm cum filled you up, he continued to make slow deep thrusts until he was finished, proceeding to collapse onto the bed right next to you. He rolled over and looked you in the eyes as he caressed your cheek in the palm of his hand, and whispered, “I love you, y/n. I always have and will. And I’m sorry I didn’t give you the attention you wanted. But don’t you dare flirt with another man, ever again.” Hajime teased, before kissing the tip of your nose and pulling you close.

“I… I l-love you t..too,” you stammered, still out of breath and searching for words. “Sorry..” you mumbled as you curled up onto his chest, holding him close to you, until you fell asleep in his arms.

[nugnthopkns]

dance me to the end of love (v)

word count: 4.6k

warnings: fem!oc, cursing, alcohol consumption, mentions of poor parenting and damaged familial relationships

series masterpost: here

a/n: and just like that we're halfway through!!! it's crazy to think about it. however, lots happens in this chapter so buckle up peeps

Soon Magdalene’s feelings are going to get the better of her.

She knows she’s heading down a dangerous path but she can’t help it. Ryan is like a drug she can’t get enough of even though she knows it will hurt her in the long run. Living with him has opened her up to the laid back, intelligent, incredibly funny man he is and Magdalene doesn’t know how she’s ever going to function in her own space ever again. They complement each other like two peas in a pod, and everyone else is starting to catch on to the shift in their relationship.

“When are you going to fess up to Ryan about your feelings?” Bette asks as the two of them sit on the lawn across from the university library. It’s mid October, but the weather is still warm enough that Magdalene eats her lunch outside. Her best friend decided to join her today, no doubt knowing that she’s feeling a little lonely. The Avalanche are in the middle of their season opening road trip and have been gone for nearly five days. Ryan’s condo feels empty without him in it, and Magdalene misses him an unfathomable amount.

“Never, if I can help it,” she replies casually, taking a bite of the turkey wrap that Bette brought her from Barn Owl.

The blonde scoffs. “Fuck off. You have to. What are you going to do when he gets back from Florida and you tackle him as soon as he steps through the door.”

“Caligula will get there first,” Magdalene shrugs. “Those two are thick as thieves.”

Truthfully, Magdalene wasn’t sure what she was going to do. This is the longest they’ve been separated since she moved in and it’s proving to be a harder adjustment than she thought. Magdalene feels a little silly missing him so much – she went nearly twenty-six years without knowing Ryan but now he’s imprinted on her soul for the rest of eternity. Living without him seems impossible.

Bette drops the conversation then, almost as if she knows Magdalene is in her own world thinking about what to do. She mentions the upcoming home opener and her plans to attend with a couple of the other wives and girlfriends. “We’re going out beforehand and you should join us! I really think you’d like most of them.”

The bell in the clock tower rings, signalling the start of another hour, and Magdalene promises she’ll consider the offer as they pack up the picnic and say goodbye. It’s a short walk back to the building she works in, seeing as they were only across the street, but it takes a while for the elevator to come around. Magdalene could have taken the stairs down to the basement but they scare her a lot more than she’d like to admit. Hopefully June won’t mind her being a few minutes late.

Her boss doesn’t look too pleased when Magdalene strolls through the door almost seven minutes later then she should have, but as soon as she tosses the cookie Bette brought her in June’s direction all is forgiven. They work in near silence all afternoon, background noise provided by the small stereo in the corner and their respective grunts of frustration when an image doesn’t digitize properly. The university has finally decided to undertake the massive project of making all their school records available to the public online, and Magdalene and June are in charge of getting all the files ready before sending them to IT for installation into the website. It’s a huge task and is going to take them the better part of a month and a half to finish. Magdalene spends the rest of her work day finishing up a box of graduation records from the 1870s and leaves smelling of very old paper.

On the drive home she considers the invitation Bette extended to her. Magdalene knows she’ll be attending the game, having promised Ryan before he left that she’d be there, but she doesn’t know how to feel about going out for dinner and drink beforehand – especially with people so involved with the team. She isn’t like them, in nearly every sense of the phrase, and doesn’t want people to get the wrong idea. It wouldn’t be fair to Ryan for people to assume they’re together in case he ever does want to bring someone around, but Magdalene can’t help thinking that the speculation wouldn’t hurt. Perhaps it would be the clue that shows him how she feels.

The invite stays in the back of her brain while she heats up leftovers and eats quickly, knowing that Ryan will call soon. He’s like clockwork with his precise game day routine, and he always calls shortly after four o’clock when out east. Magdalene’s phone buzzes from the spot beside her on the couch and she quickly scoops it up and accepts the call.

“Hey,” she says, a little breathless because she’s so excited to talk to him.

“Hey yourself. How was work?” Magdalene can tell Ryan’s got a smile on his face even though she can’t see him. She indulges the question, telling him all about the stuff she digitized and what’s next. Though she always tries to get out of talking about work, fearing it will bore the daylights out of him, Ryan insists on hearing every detail Magdalene wants to share. He finds it all fascinating and tells her so every chance he gets. During her monologue Caligula wanders over and becomes extremely invested after he hears Ryan laugh at something Magdalene said. The small white cat jumps onto Magdalene’s lap and tries to paw the phone away from her ear.

“Hold on, I’m putting you on speaker. Little boots would like to talk.”

At the sound of Ryan’s greeting, Caligula starts meowing up a storm. It’s as though he’s actually holding a conversation with the man, waiting for Ryan to say something before he continues to make noise. Magdalene laughs through what could barely classify as a conversation until the cat gives her space to talk again.

“So,” she says, drawing out the word in an attempt to make Ryan laugh. “Bette asked me to join her and some of the other girls for drinks before Friday’s game.”

Ryan’s responding before Magdalene has finished uttering the last words. “That’s great! I think you should go.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says sheepishly, “It would be nice for you to know someone other than Bette.”

Magdalene is surprised at the response, but tries her hardest to keep her tone light and teasing. “Why, you plan on keeping me around Mr. Graves?” She can tell Ryan is struggling to come up with an answer because there’s a fair amount of sputtering on the other end of the line.

“I’d be stupid to let you go.”

All the breath in Magdalene’s lungs escapes her. She didn’t expect him to say something like that, and it sends her mind reeling. What does he mean? Unable to process the comment, Magdalene makes up an excuse and hangs up as quickly as possible. She spends the rest of the night wondering if Ryan was trying to make a move and deciding how she should handle his homecoming in a few days.

☼☼☼☼

When Ryan gets home Thursday morning Magdalene is at work. Caligula is happy to see him, practically pouncing on him and purring so loud Ryan’s sure the neighbours heard the cat. For an animal so small, Caligula can make a lot of noise if he wants.

“Hi boy,” Ryan coos, adjusting his grip on the cat so he doesn’t get dropped while the two of them move around the house. “Did your mom talk about me while I was gone? Been thinking about her a lot lately.”

The cat doesn’t respond, of course, but Ryan finds comfort in vocalizing his emotions. Multiple times on the road trip Tyson made fun of him for the silent pining he’s found himself participating in since Magdalene moved in, and hinted that she might have said something to Bette. Neither of them are great at keeping secrets, but Ryan also knows they want him and Magdalene to get together and aren’t above manipulation to achieve their goals. He doesn’t know how Magdalene actually feels, but Ryan isn’t willing to risk losing their friendship. Just a couple of months ago she sat on the deck of the lake house and told him she wasn’t looking for a relationship – he has to assume that’s still her position because if he doesn’t Ryan isn’t quite sure what he’ll unleash. Though the two of them are close, closer than most friends, Magdalene stills keeps a lot of things to herself and Ryan doesn’t want to pry. When, and if, she’s ready he knows she’ll come to him.

Exhausted from the countless hours of travel he’s endured over the past few days and the pains that come along with being a professional athlete, Ryan falls back onto the couch cushions. He hurts in places he didn’t know existed and wants to do nothing but sleep. Caligula settles into his stomach, purring contently, and though he knows he should unpack his gear, Ryan can’t find the energy to move himself or the cat. Everything will still be there when he wakes up, and hopefully Magdalene will be on her way home. She texted Ryan earlier in the morning, no doubt just before she headed out the door, to say that she was taking some holidays to have a long weekend and would be home around noon. Sleep comes easy with Caligula nestled against his body, and Ryan dreams of Magdalene as he frequently does.

☼☼☼☼

Despite Bette telling her countless times she shouldn’t be, Magdalene is nervous. The significant others of the Colorado Avalanche are a tight knit group and are very particular with who they let in. Magdalene is a nothing, has no true connections to the team besides being Tyson’s girlfriend’s best friend, and she’s worried she won’t make the cut. If it wasn’t for Bette picking her up in the morning Magdalene would have found a way to get out of drinks, but the blonde made sure she couldn’t make a run for it.

Sitting in the elevated booth, she not-so-casually sips her glass of wine while Bette tries to calm her down. “They’re going to hate me,” she groans, lowering her head to rest it on the table.

“Shut the fuck up,” Bette counters. “You literally know most of them, and Livy will be here if you get too uncomfortable, but most of them were at EJ’s back in May.”

Magdalene can’t argue with the truth, so she rolls her eyes and finishes her drink. By the time she flags down the waiter for a refill the other girls have arrived. They take turns hugging Bette and shuffling into their seats. Magdalene feels awkward with no one acknowledging her, but she does her best to buck up and deal with it. It means a lot to Bette, and Ryan, that she’s here trying to make friends so she’ll at least make an effort.

A blonde who looks a little older than the rest addresses her first. “I’m not sure if you remember me, but I’m Mel. I think we met last season at a game.”

It takes Magdalene a second to recall the face, but then she recognizes Mel as the person who alerted her to the fight Ryan got into to defend Tyson. “Oh yeah,” she chuckles, though it’s still got a nervous quality, “You’re the one who was yelling about Ryan’s fight.”

Everyone looks at her like Magdalene had confessed to seeing a ghost. “What’s the matter?”

“No one ever calls him that,” a petite girl with tight curls explains. “We all just call him Gravy.”

“Oh.”

Magdalene isn’t sure what the comment is supposed to mean, or if it even meant anything at all, but she does her best to push it aside because Livy is trying to catch up with her. The rest of the outing goes well – Magdalene keeps quiet until someone gives an inaccurate analogy about Rome and she has to correct them. It may make her seem stuck up, but she really hates when people spread misinformation. Everyone laughs, and after that it’s hard for Magdalene to stay silent. She talks about work and college, but when someone asks about home she shuts down. Bette notices the shift in her behaviour before Magdalene’s face has even dropped, and shifts the conversation in another direction. Soon it’s a respectable time to head to the arena and they all pay their tabs, Magdalene going first and then ducking out of the bar that became crowded while they were sitting down.

The fresh air feels good against her skin, and she takes the time alone to regulate her thoughts. There’s still several hours until she can return home and cry in the shower over the mention of her family so it’s important to present a calm facade. Bette comes out slightly ahead of the other girls and checks in with her friend, but Magdalene assures her she’s okay. It was a bit of a spook, but the other girls have no idea about how fucked up her familial situation is so Magdalene can’t hold it against them. The arena is a few blocks over, so the group walks towards it at a brisk pace. Magdalene’s mind is still churning from the bar when they step inside, so she peels off from the rest of the group. Warm ups are about to start and she knows that seeing Ryan will help to calm her down, at least until they can go home and she can sequester herself away from the rest of the world.

She finds a space against the glass and strains her eyes for her new favourite number. Ryan hasn’t made it out on the ice yet, but Tyson gives her a big wave when he skates past. It takes a few seconds, though it feels like years, but Ryan eventually steps out, all long limbs and hair and dazzling smile as his teammates give him big hi-fives. Magdalene doesn’t want to intrude but she needs to spend a few moments with him to feel completely present. When he skates by she waves shyly, and Ryan doubles back once he realizes who it is.

“There’s my favourite girl!” he shouts over the crowd, making sure Magdalene can hear.

The phrase brings a smile to her face, which in turn makes Ryan light up more. “Hi Ry,” she yells back. “I just wanted to come and say hi.”

Ryan’s heart warms at her words, but he knows that’s not the only reason. He’s lived with her long enough to know that something is bothering her but he isn’t going to push. There isn’t much time to have a conversation, so Ryan takes the time to make plans for after the game. “You riding home with me?”

Magdalene nods. “Yeah. Bette picked me up this morning so I didn’t drive.”

The loud sound of sticks clapping against the ice startles them both, and it’s Ryan’s teammate’s way of getting him to refocus. Magdalene says goodbye and before Ryan heads back to the bench he flips a puck over the glass for her. She smiles brightly, and watches him skate away. On her way up the stairs she hands it to a little girl wearing a much too big Graves jersey. It makes her night, and Magdalene returns to the private box she’s watching the game from feeling much lighter than when she entered the arena.

☼☼☼☼

Later, much later, after all of Ryan’s post game media and sitting through the traffic of downtown, Magdalene opens up about what was bothering her at the arena. The two of them are curled up in Ryan’s bed buried under a mass of blankets with several pillows strewn about. It’s become a frequent place for them to spend time, and every time they lay down Magdalene rests her head on Ryan’s chest and he keeps her in place with his arms wrapped tightly around her. Magdalene’s clutching his hoodie tighter than usual, her voice small as she speaks into the darkness of the room.

“I didn’t just want to say hi earlier.”

Ryan isn’t surprised by her confession, but wants to know what caused the surprise visit. “No? What was it?”

Magdalene lift head and shifts to face him, propping herself up with an open palm. “It’s kind of stupid,” she mumbles, feeling dumb for even bringing it up. Ryan doesn’t want to know the sob story that is her past life. “But it’s mostly okay now.”

“You don’t have to tell me, and I don’t want to push, but I think getting it off your chest will help,” he whispers, feeling like talking in a normal voice could startle the girl in front of him.

He’s right – Magdalene knows it. Telling someone the truth, as much of the truth as she can share, other than Bette would do her some good. Her therapist once said Magdalene needed to work on letting people in, and she figures there’s no one better than Ryan. “One of the girls asked me about home when we were getting drinks, and it’s just a really sore subject for me. I shut down and just needed to see you to ground myself.” Ryan goes to talk, but Magdalene continues. “No one really knows, but I left for Denver as soon as I graduated high school. My parents weren’t the greatest, and I suffered a lot emotionally at home. When I told them I was leaving, they told me never to come back and we haven’t spoken since. So yeah, that’s pretty much it. And I just needed to see you to remind myself that I’m okay without my family. You’re part of my family now, the one that really matters.”

Ryan is speechless. “Oh bug,” he sighs, heart hurting for all the pain Magdalene has experienced in her life. “I’m so sorry.” He wants to scream for her, maybe even break something, but all his anger dissipates when he looks down and sees her crying. Silently, Ryan wipes away the tears with the pad of his thumb and holds Magdalene until she stops trembling. They lay in silence for a while, sitting with the weight of the confession she just made. At some point Caligula shuffles in and finds a spot at Ryan’s side that isn’t occupied by Magdalene. The three of them feel like a little family, and it’s too good for Magdalene not to do something about.

“Can I kiss you?”

She’s never been so confident while asking a question. Magdalene knows he wants to kiss Ryan, has known for a while, and after baring her soul to him it seems like an appropriate time to take the plunge. They’ve never truly been just friends and everyone around them, including themselves, knows it.

“Mags,” Ryan says in a gentle yet stern voice, “I’m not gonna kiss you. You’ve just been very vulnerable with me, which I appreciate, and though I really really want to fucking kiss you I’m going to take advantage of you like that.”

If it were possible, Magdalene’s heart would expand so much it would be close to bursting. “I promise this is what I want and that I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. So please shut the fuck up and let me kiss you.”

She leans forward to connect their lips, and it feels like a fire has been ignited in her veins. Ryan is soft and gentle with the right amount of grit to make Magdalene weak in the knees. They move in tandem, giving and taking where necessary, and by the time they pull apart for air Magdalene thinks she’ll never be able to kiss anyone other than Ryan. When he looks at her, eyes kind and glimmering with light, Magdalene is certain kissing other people is off the table.

Neither of them make an effort to talk about what just happened or what it means. Instead, Magdalene kisses him again, and again, and keeps going until she’s completely out of breath. There’s no protest from Ryan, and he looks as blissful as Magdalene feels. She rests her head on his chest again and he cards his fingers through her hair as they sit in the comfortable silence that surrounds them.

☼☼☼☼

Magdalene keeps kissing Ryan, and he keeps kissing her. It’s always in the safety of his apartment, oftentimes with Caligula in the way, but wholesome and loving and warm. They haven’t defined their relationship, and truthfully Magdalene is glad. She likes being friends with Ryan and doesn’t know how the added pressures of dating would affect them – though she might like kissing him more than just being friends.

It becomes routine for either of them to reach for a kiss before heading to the door. Magdalene gets one every time she leaves for work, and if she’s there before Ryan has to leave for games he’s pulled into her lips by his tie. It’s fun and it’s new and Magdalene never wants it to end. She keeps the secret for a couple weeks, but eventually it becomes too much to hold in and she tells Bette one Saturday when they meet for brunch at Barn Owl because the boys are away.

“I kissed Ryan.” It’s out of her mouth like a bullet, cutting through the air and ringing out. Bette is shocked, jaw dropping, only to open further when Magdalene corrects herself. “Been kissing Ryan, actually.”

“You’re fucking joking,” Bette laughs, still not one hundred percent sure Magdalene is being serious. When the brunette nods her head, she squeals in what can only be presumed as delight. “Shut up! Tell me everything!”

Magdalene indulges her friend, and spills every detail she’s willing to share. Part of her wants to keep a bit of her life with Ryan a secret so she does, but Bette is more than willing to work with the information given. She listens carefully while Magdalene talks and waits until there’s nothing more to say before diving into a long list of reasons why kissing Ryan is the best thing that’s ever happened to her friend. Magdalene isn’t sure that it’s great because Bette will always have someone to go to games with, but she is in agreement that it is one of the best choices she’s ever made. They spend the rest of the morning giggling like school girls over potential love and Magdalene heads back to Ryan’s place feeling light and airy.

☼☼☼☼

The first thing Ryan does when he comes home is kisses Magdalene. She’s sitting on the couch with Caligula on her lap reading a book, and he doesn’t even bother to drop his bags on the floor before leaning over the worn leather and connecting their lips. It feels heavenly after the days-long absence and Magdalene chases his lips when Ryan pulls away.

“I missed you.”

They’re three words that shouldn’t mean much, but coming from him they send Magdalene spiralling. He missed her? The girl who spends her days geeking out over old documents and talks to her cat? Regardless of how true the statement is she appreciates it, because Magdalene missed Ryan more than she could ever explain.

“How was the flight home?” she asks, twirling a lock of his hair around her index finger and pulling him down for another kiss. Ryan happily obliges, and kisses her until Caligula begins to meow for attention. The cat practically launches himself into Ryan’s arms as he rounds the corner to sit down next to Magdalene, and purrs loudly at being reunited with the tall man.

Ryan laughs at the animal’s antics before wrapping his spare arm around Magdalene and pulling her close. “It was fine. We hit a bit of turbulence that made it hard to sleep but I managed,” he replies, and reaches for the television remote. Magdalene hums in response, resting her head on Ryan’s shoulder and returning her attention to the book in her hands. It’s silent except for the low buzz of the television as Ryan reviews tape, but neither of them mind. Co-existing is enough for both of them, and it’s peaceful and easy. The occasional conversation occurs but they mostly do their own thing, enjoying the feeling of being together again. More than a few kisses are shared, and Magdalene eventually pries herself away from Ryan long enough to make dinner.

They stayed glued to each other until Magdalene falls asleep. Ryan doesn’t even notice when it happens, but eventually he tries to leave the couch to get a glass of water and finds dead weight on top of him in the shape of the girl he just might love. Magdalene’s snoring softly, and he’s positive there is nothing more adorable in the entire world. A glance at the clock on the wall alerts Ryan to the fact that he should go to bed too, and he begins to brainstorm how to get Magdalene into bed without waking her. She’s been exhausted lately, working extended hours, and he knows she needs all the rest she can get.

It takes a few moments to coordinate, but Ryan gets himself upright without Magdalene realizing she’s no longer using him as a pillow. Gently he scoops her into his arms and pads down the hallway, careful not to hit her ankles on the walls or door frames. Once inside her room, Ryan tucks Magdalene into bed and makes sure her phone is on the nightstand just where she likes it. She looks so content in sleep that he can’t help but lean down and press a shirt kiss to her forehead.

“Night Mags,” he whispers into the dark, wondering if she’ll wake and hear all the adoration his voice holds.

Magdalene stirs at the noise, and opens her eyes to see Ryan’s retreating figure. “Night Ry.”

It’s late, approaching two in the morning, when Magdalene’s phone starts ringing off the hook. Though Ryan has told her multiple times that she doesn’t need to turn her sound on before she goes to bed, she can never find it in her to heed his words. What if there’s an emergency somewhere and some hospital has to get a hold of her? Magdalene would never be able to forgive herself if she was too late because she slept through the incoming calls.

Despite her underlying fears of missing something important, Magdalene considers letting it go to voicemail. She’s exhausted, between the high maintenance projects at work and trying her hardest to go to every Avalanche home game she can, and if it’s urgent she’s sure the person will call again if they need her. It rings three more times before Magdalene decides to pick it up – if only to stop the incessant noise.

Not bothering to even see who’s calling at such an ungodly hour, Magdalene speaks in a sleep-laden voice that betrays what she was doing not even a minute prior. “Hello?”

Bette answers her, offering a quick but sincere apology for the time but explaining that it couldn’t wait. Magdalene groans in contempt, thinking that it most certainly could have waited a few more hours. She doesn’t voice her opinion however, instead waiting for her friend to spill whatever news was making her bounce up and down on the other side of the line.

She’s about to hang up when Bette utters a sentence Magdalene’s been waiting for but never thought she’d hear at one fifty-seven am. “I’m getting married!”

☼☼☼☼

taglist: @scrunchmakar @marcoscandellas @toplinetommy @samsteel @lovethepreds @cutiesara23 @hockeyallthetime @stlouisbluesbrat21 @denis-scorianov @danglesnipecelly @c-tangerine @stormingroses @spine-buster @rapidfever @bb-nhlqueen7 (add yourself to the taglist!)

[pascalpanic]

Tiny Dancer (Frankie “Catfish” Morales x f!Reader)

Summary: Reader and Frankie are best friends, and both think that their feelings are unrequited… with the help of a little throwback music, that might change. Reader uses she/her pronouns.

Warnings: alcohol use

Word Count: 1.79k

A/N: This is my first published fic! I hope you like it, whoever’s reading this!! Thanks to my beta readers and people who helped me format, @lovetoreader​ @mandoalorian​ and @no-droids-on-sunday​, as well as a couple friends not on tumblr!

gif credit to @amahlfarouk​!

The fire crackles and casts a warm glow across Frankie’s face, highlighting the valleys and ridges of the lines in his skin, the shadow accentuating his pronounced nose. He really is beautiful, you sigh and think to yourself as you look at him. You’ve been friends with Frankie for a long time now, since high school, and the feelings you first had for him upon your introduction never quite faded. He looks completely relaxed, the bonfire, the music, and your presence putting him at ease. 

You tear your eyes from his face as you see him shifting, not wanting him to notice that you were most definitely staring. He picks up his phone and presses a button, shuffling the oldies playlist he chose and allowing John Denver’s Take Me Home, Country Roads to play through his Bluetooth speaker sitting on the table between the two of you. You give a laugh. “Good memories with this one,” you say with an easy smile on your face and look over at him, nudging his leg with your boot-covered foot. 

Frankie definitely agrees as he smiles back at you, his nose scrunching and his dimple showing. “Oh god. You almost got us kicked out of that bar for how loud you screamed this,” he chuckles and nudges your leg back, his strength moving your leg significantly farther than you nudged his. 

The two of you stop your brief chatter and start singing along. Frankie is loud and off-key, his baritone perfectly complimenting your equally out-of-tune voice. Both of you mumble through the first verse, not entirely sure of the words to this part. As it comes to the chorus, however, it’s a completely different story. The two of you start bellowing the words, laughing and grinning at each other. 

-

That night at your local bar was the closest Frankie ever got to kissing you. 

You had both had only enough alcohol to be lightly tipsy, meaning one-and-a-half drinks for you and three for Frankie. The bar had a machine that allowed you to pick the music, and Frankie eagerly used his quarters on song after song that you requested. Your face, flushed from alcohol, was closer to his than normal. He bit down on his lip and looked down as your faces got closer through the laughter, and as he looked up he swore he saw it in your eyes, exactly what he was feeling. 

The song ended and another came on, and an entirely different spark entered your eyes. “Oh my God!” You giggled. “I love this song! This is, like, the best,” you raved as the guitar kicked in. 

“The only song of the night you didn’t request is the best?” He teases you, the moment gone as you lean back to start singing along. “Really, you like John Denver?” He asks over the loud music and chatter. 

Nodding enthusiastically, your grin made him grin back. “Of course, Francisco. I’m a woman of culture,” you tease right back happily and push his shoulder. You knock back the rest of your second drink and slide off your barstool. “Come on, we’re dancing,” you practically shout and drag him off of his and to the small clearing for dancing

Frankie begrudgingly follows. He’s not much of a dancer, but he’d do anything for you. That much was obvious, he thought. As you reach the floor, you start belting the lyrics at the top of your lungs, audible even over the hum of the bar. 

-

As the chorus ends, you two both try to mumble the verse again, neither of you knowing the words. “Good memories,” he says again, a wistful smile on his face as he sits back in his chair a little further. 

“The best. You’re a good dance partner,” you smile along with him. “Even if that song wasn’t really us dancing. It was more standing close to each other while I burst your eardrums with my opera-worthy voice,” you sarcastically grin and elbow him lightly in the forearm. He makes a fake whimper of pain and pouts. “Catfish,” you laugh and shake your head at him softly, “the military veteran, special ops pilot extraordinaire, wounded by my elbow.”

“Just because I was in the military doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain anymore, hermosa,” he frowns at you and elbows you back. You make a similar noise and he grins. “See? Doesn’t feel great, does it?”

The two of you continue on with your playful banter, the way it’s always been for the two of you. You bicker and shove lightly, both of you separately thinking the same thing: that the main reason you love to push and shove isn’t because you see them like a sibling, but because you want any excuse you can to touch them. 

Your bickering continues as the song changes, and a break in the action causes a lull that allows you to notice the new song that came on. Grinning, you grab his phone and turn up the volume before setting it back on the small table between the two of you. “Oh my god, I love Elton John,” you coo as you hear his familiar voice singing Tiny Dancer. 

“I’m well aware,” he shoots back and shakes his head. “Add that song to the list of reasons my eardrums are broken. You know, people would think it’s because of the helicopters that I have hearing damage. What would they think if I told them it was because your tiny ass body has the strongest vocal chords to exist?” He groans, raising an eyebrow at you that rests just below the brim of his classic baseball cap. 

“Tiny?” You say, jokingly aggressive. You don’t consider yourself short; in fact, you’re above average. But with Frankie Morales, you practically look like an elf. He towers over you, and it drives you insane. 

“Just like the song,” he nods then gasps. “You are tiny dancer,” he says with a pleased smile spreading across his cheeks and showing that goddamn dimple. 

Smacking his arm, you shake his head. “Don’t even go there. First of all, we both know I only dance when I’m drunk or you make me,” you laugh. “The only-”

Frankie cuts you off by standing and taking your hand, pulling you to your feet as well. “You’re tiny and now you’re dancing,” he says, smiling down at you as he wraps his free arm around his waist, the other hand still clutching yours. 

“You’re cheesy as hell, Morales, you know that?” You ask and look up at him, the baseball cap shading his chocolate brown eyes. 

Frankie shrugs, starting to sway the two of you along, carefully avoiding the fire but staying close enough that the two of you are warm. “I may have been told that before,” he says and gives you a warm smile. 

Your heart thumps increasingly harder in your chest, which is now pressed to Frankie’s as he pulls you closer and gently sets his chin on your shoulder. You’re sure he can feel it, which makes you panic slightly, which makes your heart race even faster. You rest your head against his shoulder, the position coming naturally. You’ve slow danced before, of course, as the two of you always find yourself on the dance floor, but it’s only been a few times. Rare. Dancing usually consists of you and Frankie, not touching, flailing like complete idiots. Neither of you were known for your coordination when it comes to dancing, and it has always shown. But this is nice. Completely different. 

Humming the lyrics, his throat buzzes and you can feel it where your head rests against the side of his neck. He stops humming and starts singing softly, the smile in his voice evident. 

“Hold me closer tiny dancer… count the headlights on the highway…”

Giggling softly, you break away as Frankie pulls back, making you do a spin. You squeal as you lose your balance and stumble for a moment. Once again, coordination is not your strong suit. Both of you laugh as Frankie protectively pulls you back to his chest, stopping you before you can fall. “Careful,” he chides lovingly. 

“It’s a little late to be careful now, Frankie,” you shoot back sarcastically. “I already tripped.”

You look up at him, taken aback by the tenderness in his eyes. He always looks happy to be around you, but his eyes are painfully soft as he smiles down at you. 

The look makes you inhale sharply. He can’t feel that way about you, can he? You would’ve known sooner, surely, and you’ve been friends for a long time. You’ve always been able to read him like a book, what is this new expression? Or… is it new? You ask yourself all of these questions, biting your lip softly and looking down. 

He tears his gaze away and increases the distance between you, not nearly as close, terrified that he just gave too much away. He clears his throat and takes his hat off, running a hand through his hair before replacing it. He turns away and heads for his chair. “Sorry,” he says bashfully, looking at you. “I-,”

Something emboldens you. You’re not sure what, but it’s probably the fact that you suddenly put the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle together: he likes you too. You grab his wrist and stop him. “Please don’t be sorry,” you tell him and move closer to him, your heaving chests close once again. You reach up and take off his hat, running a hair through his curls, a peace offering. An offering, maybe, for something more.

“Can I kiss you, hermosa?” Frankie asks, voice barely a rasp of a whisper as he pulls you closer with an arm around your waist. 

You nod slightly and Frankie slowly moves in, his other hand moving to your cheek as he allows your lips to meet, soft and perfect. You sigh lightly and bring your free hand to his cheek as well, the other holding his ballcap and dangling at your side. You kiss him back contently, allowing the slow and gentle moment to rest. 

He eventually is the first to break away, his heart in his eyes and your faces close together. “I…” he wants to say something but can’t find the right words. 

“Me too,” you whisper back with a chuckle, brushing his curls from his face. “Me too, Frankie,” you say and blissfully kiss him again, the swell of the music perfectly matching the rhythm of your kiss. 

He breaks away after a few moments, smiling softly at you again. “I told you, you’re her, you’re tiny dancer,” he teases softly. “My tiny dancer?” He asks shyly, taking the hand from the side of his face and lacing your fingers together. 

“Yours,” you breathe in agreement and close the gap between you to kiss him once again. 

[galaxies-unknown-a]

[Open Starter/Semi-Event - Corporeal Triangle]

Writer had been doodling in their sketchbook, yet again. Their food sat, barely remembered, half-eaten, to the side of the sketchbook. The scent of pancakes and bacon filled the restaurant as Lazy Susan went about making another round... That really ‘manly’ guy had won the ‘manly’ machine again, resulting in a free pancake for everyone in the place.

“Another of the others?” Bill tapped the page. For everyone else, there was nothing- but for Writer, they could hear the gentle tip-tap of his black finger on the paper, the faint warmth that emanated from his form. Maybe the others would see the page manipulated a little, or the shadow he cast on the table- but it was so small, and everyone in the town was... Well... For lack of a better term, ‘inobservant’. Writer had long-since given up fearing Bill being spotted.

“... Yeah.” Writer continued with their strokes on the page, lead contacting and rubbing off on the surface. Gray lines formed as they drew out an angry face, cut up and bruised, one eye closed as they pulled down a glove over one hand.

They laid down their pencil, glancing out the window to try to forget the memories, even as they were forged. The sun’s evening rays drifted through the dirty glass, lighting up the building’s interior in slanted segments.

“... Triangle?” Writer reached for their nearly-forgotten cup, taking a swig of what was now absolutely cold coffee. It tasted sweet thanks to the amount of creamer they’d used, and they were sure if their father could see them, he would be dying out of shame at the moment. “Would you be willing to make me a body?”

Writer nearly spat out their drink. They slammed the cup down on the table, staring at the triangle in pure shock. He had asked for something to possess before, sure- but-- making a body? The question had been so sudden---

“Everything alright, deary?” Writer’s head spun towards the new noise- Lazy Susan was looking at her, concern written all over that one eye. Writer nodded. For a moment, they were too stunned to even speak. Their vocals were shot through as they turned back to the sketchbook.

Some of the coffee had spilled onto it. Great.

“... Give a mate some warnin’ before you ask that...” That seemed to have unlocked their vocal chords, at least. Writer reached for a napkin. However, when they brought it back- the sketchbook was completely clean. Bill Cipher was now a bit bigger. He was the size of a stuffed dog, sitting beside the notebook while his own eye watched the human.

“Sorry. Still.... A body’d be nice, don’t you think?” In the chaos, Writer had never heard the door to the restaurant open.

“For you? Sure. For everyone else?... Well, I doubt ‘everyone mcfucking dying’ has a good ring for humanity.”