#her struggles being different :( her worries over being connected to the wraith :(

[realmonsterbones]

Stargate Anniversary Fest! My 20 Favorite Episodes of SGA: The Gift (1x18)

[blooddrop-palace]

DMC-OC-Week Day 4

(No images this time. I ran out!)

Seraphina Valkyrie

Something she likes:

“There’s so much I couldn’t believe I missed during my twenty-something years being lost in Hell. It’s strange to think that during that time, Vergil was also suffering in a similar way… often not himself, broken, desperate, and searching. Since coming back, I’ve had so much worry on my mind. On the first opportunity back in Fortuna where I could afford a little peace, I didn’t know how I was going to go forward with either Nero or Vergil. But then Kyrie, blessed little Kyrie who was barely a year old last I had seen her, made her mother’s tiramisu recipe for us all. 

“It was one of my favorite desserts back when her parents invited me over for dinner. And I had shared some of this dessert with Vergil once before. To know that Nero also has a fondness for it, especially since it’s from Kyrie, makes me feel that everything is going to be okay. We will have more shared experiences to bridge off of this. Maybe I wouldn’t have to choose between Nero’s comfort or Vergil’s feelings. Maybe I’ll be able to have them both in my life, and bring them closer, too. We won’t make the most fairytale of families, and that’s okay. I simply wish to give them the love that they deserve.”

Something she dislikes:

“There’s no one singular way to describe this dislike of mine… but perhaps it’s simple to say that I loathe injustice. The problem with justice, however, is that it can often be a personal view. 

“But I’ve suffered injustice. Nero has suffered similar injustice. Vergil, too, has suffered injustice. Would I be able to flay Sanctus alive, or to also go up against Mundus, I would not hesitate. People who will make others suffer just to make themselves feel better or bigger are a blight upon mankind. I have no sympathy for the fool that scorns love and promotes pain. And I am not above spilling the blood of villains.”

Kassandra King

Something she likes: 

“It’s a bit cheap for me to say this, since this is somewhat of a family trait ingrained into our bloodline, but I like children. We all eventually become parental. 

“That said, it’s one of the reasons why there are usually a lot of children in this family. We thrive as a family and as our own little community. And children are an absolute blessing, even when they are at their worst. To care for them and teach them how to become their own individual person is something that satisfies the Hive blood within us, because family is everything.”

Something she dislikes:

“This might sound odd from someone like me, who knows how to seduce and works at a strip club for fun… but when it comes down to more than that, I don’t do well with the whole ‘no strings attached’ thing. 

“I feel guilty every time. I guess I just… crave a meaningful connection.”

Arabella

Something she likes:

“Oh, I’ve always liked peace and quiet… but I don’t think that’s the question here. I suppose I could count seafood as something I like. Does it provide much sustenance for a devil like me? Not as much as blood and red orbs. But seafood and the way humans might prepare it is not something we have in Hell. Fortuna being an island city was a good thing for me, even centuries after Sparda had left. I would mingle among the populace like a wraith, working part time here and there to earn the money just to enjoy human food and even check out what new establishments are built over time. The simple joys were like lovely little dreams… and devils seldom dream for enjoyment.”

Something she dislikes:

“The greatest dislike I have is when others take from me without my permission. I am, after all, very territorial and possessive. I can tolerate the human concept of borrowing, but in the end I am still a devil. Still, there is much I have learnt from humans. I can tolerate a little trespassing here and there while I’m in the human world. I would rather my children be able to live happily here, than to struggle for their survival in the Underworld.”

Snow

Something she likes:

“Oh there are a lot of things I like! Alfredo pasta, stuffed crust pizza, peach cobblers with French vanilla ice cream… okay, those are all pretty boring answers. Here’s something I really like and I’m really good at: music rhythm games. DDR, Band Hero, or any other number of music arcade games? I will high score and perfect-combo all of them! My name is on top of the charts for all of the local arcades, and yes, I’m proud of myself. Devil Hunter’s gotta have some fun, after all!”

Something she dislikes:

“Look. When I first brought this up, a number of people found this amusing and laughable… specifically the people from the, uh, Devil May Cry side of things. 

“But olives suck, okay? And you know what I don’t understand? How is olive oil so amazing, but olives suck so hard? Olive oil is this lovely soft but fragrant taste but the stupid olive itself has a flavor that stings my senses!

“I think dad has the right idea. Olives can go to hell.”

Noel

Something she likes:

“Something I like? Uh…I like pasta, I guess?

“I should give more specific or in-depth examples? I don’t know… I try not to want too much. I guess I like fruits. Strawberries are good. I mean… okay so I guess I like sweets?

“This is tough. I don’t think too much about what I like. If I think too much about what makes me feel good right now, all that comes to mind is the… the rush from fighting demons. 

“And I don’t like that. I don’t want to relish it. It feels… wrong.”

Something she dislikes:

“I don’t want to be alone. Don’t like not belonging. I guess that’s about it. There’s too much that I could really dig in about, but I have so little left that I can’t be worrying about what I dislike. I need to grasp what I do like and never let go. That’s what I need to do.”

Anthony and Caesar:

Something Tony likes: 

“Eh? Sure. Plenty. I like pizza. But who doesn’t like pizza? I like rock and punk and metal and grunge. Nothing wrong with that, right? Alright I like to jam, too. I like to wrestle with dad… could add Uncle V to the list, too. Caesar doesn’t like to do a lot of fighting and stuff, but I hope he’ll like the idea of maybe us two challenging Dad and Uncle V to a fight at some point. I also like video games. Caesar also studies all that fancy programming stuff so I get to playtest. It’s pretty great.”

Something Caesar likes: 

“You’d be surprised to know that I’m only lukewarm about books. Literature isn’t really my thing. Technology is a more fascinating avenue for me. There’s a lot of potential and a lot to look forward to in the future for the advancement of technology. I do a bit of hacking work but it’s not really my main thing. Still, if I don’t keep an eye on the security around the house, we’d have problems other than demons in our house. What, fighting? I don’t hate it. But I guess the difference between me and my older twin is that he’s the sporty one and I’m the more academic one. Don’t treat me like a pushover, though. I’m far from it. If Tony needs me at his back, I’m there, and I’m no slouch.”

Something Tony dislikes:

“Fuck olives. And also fuck any demon critter that is too fast for my axe. But I guess that’s why I deal with the heavyweights and Caesar can deal with the critters.”

Something Caesar dislikes:

“I tend to dislike…lack of effort. What I mean is… if something is preventable, why not make sure to take care of it? Inefficiency just takes away from the long run. Hefty things with too much excess weighing it down… both literally and metaphorically, I’m not fond of it. But I suppose that’s why I handle the details and the intricate problems, and I can always trust Tony to handle the clunkier things.”

[ayakashiramblings]

The Dawn and Twilight with a Vampire AND Assassin MC

I’m going to clear up somethings that had plagued me while writing this because it really made them both hard to do unless addressed.

General 

The only people technically worthy of being assassinated would be Toichiro and Koga, the only nobles/super-rich men in the faction. 

The rest are otherwise just leading a supremely normal job/jobless existence 

(Squints at Kuya, Yura and Oji). 

Even if we could say that they could be targeted for their Ayakashi nature, it wouldn’t make sense for it to be super sneaky when the whole government is against their very beings but doesn’t want to alert the citizens. 

Too many of them disappearing all at once would just set the whole Capital in a state of unrest. 

I’m going to stick to Asian vampires but admittedly, some Western traces are going to be found. 

Out of all of them, Oji is going to be the most OCC I believe.

I’m going to be honest and say that I have been getting kind of tired of doing these headcanons especially after receiving a few... messages that were a bit insulting. So that’s why I closed the ask box. That said, Nonnie who sent this request, if this is unsatisfactory, do feel free to PM me. I’m really sorry if I sound irritable, I’m just really upset at some of the things in my inbox. 

Ginnojo

Honestly, this could be the start of something new.

A relationship fraught with sexual tension. 

Yes, even for this blushing Dragon.

No, seriously, imagine this. 

During the events of Book 1, and amidst all the chaos of being an Onmyoji…

On top of your other supernatural powers AND… unique job, you find yourself in the alleys, securing a target of yours. 

His scrutinizing gaze settled on your lips, which were pulled up with a teasing smirk.

Finally, a challenge.

He stood like stone, barely eroding even when you had started to show off your floating powers. You had to give it to him, he really was a warrior defending the Capital. 

And apparently, your best opponent. You may have easily snatched away his daggers, but he had easily grabbed your wrist and targeted the vein that should have been pumping with blood if you were alive. 

So why did you suddenly crumple to the ground?

The number of smokescreens between you two was seriously enough to choke everyone in the room. 

You did try to make sure though it did not affect any of the factions, and surprisingly, it had worked.

Seemed that there was an unspoken agreement that you were both looking out for the Capital, except his was more of a freestyle form while yours was conscripted. 

He could respect that. 

What was really hard was completely forgetting your beliefs and loyalties.

Suddenly gravitates towards the Mythology section of his bookshop.

And then... you talk. 

It’s a long talk. It may or may not have been about life, someone’s life you had to take, and everything about order. 

You guys end up working together to bring down a lot of opponents or threats and wow, what a tag team you both are.

Aoi

Finally, a gun-wielding AND sharp-tongued senpai!

… I’m joking, please don’t teach him any more violent/sassy stuff. 

And yes, technically, you’re not sharp-tongued, that’s more of your fangs just gleaming.

You, despite having been in this service and becoming a literal creature of the night, had made the most rookie mistake ever. 

Leaving. Your. Papers.

With all of your bloody targets.

Pun intended because the few red splotches scattered across the parchment certainly wasn’t just a teacher’s pen.

The thing is, Aoi at first hadn’t bothered looking at the content when he had first spotted them. 

He was only focused on just returning your ‘homework’ for Finishing School.

Even though he usually refused to look into anyone, his Seer powers couldn’t exactly tune out the presence of a heart. 

Except, apparently, you did not have one. 

Honestly, you were surprised he never called you out for it. He could have easily unravelled the whole situation.

"Trust me, I know you don’t have one. But you still feel. How can I hate someone who’s always considering her actions every time?”

Now, how to respond to a man so understanding as him?

Why by showing that you were JUST as tsundere as him.

Koga Kitamikado

He feels that he has no right to judge you for killing because at least you have determined if your intended victim was worth spilling blood over. 

He didn’t with Masanobu’s brother.

Honestly, you were always just the slightest bit worried that one day he would pay you to kill him should he ever submit to carnage. 

You and Kuya both want to shake this man so hard.

But for now, you stay. 

Sometimes, you even make sure the area is vacated if it looks like the illness is acting up again. 

For that, he is grateful and makes sure that you are properly covered as well. 

And I don’t mean just hiding your tracks from the public eye. 

This man will get you equipped to deal with ANYTHING.

Heck, even if you had turned human all of a sudden, you could fight an army in the sun thanks to the umbrellas, sunscreens and whatnot. 

It helps that thanks to your line of work, you HAVE to go to parties so while he finally has a companion to secretly diss the questionable crowd, you can gather intel on your next target and see if they were worth it, with inside info from him as well.

You both spend as much time together as you can, even if it’s just sitting in his office doing different things.

Ironically, he never says what you are aloud through it all.

Because the only thing that mattered was who was living at that moment.

Kuya

The boy is smart. He can tell something… 

That you were a bit too familiar with flying. 

At first, he had chalked it up to you being nervous about heights but with how you waved your wand around and almost seemed to be stabbing enemies mid-air, he knew something was… up. 

And he just confronts you the most easily out of everyone here. 

“So, are you a vampire who kills for literally and figuratively a living?”

A bit too morbidly fascinated with it. He’s already obsessed with wraiths, he needs to know how someone like you could battle it all. 

And now he knew.

Don’t expect him to read up. He WILL ask questions that are borderline uncomfortable and really make you question the nature of what you were doing and if there were really no alternatives. 

Always touching your dagger when you’re not looking and then looks like a startled crow when you catch him… before just outrightly asking to touch your fangs. 

Sweet goodness, Kuya, why?

Essentially, imagine him with Koga. 

Because he feels that you torturing yourself to kill just to survive was really not worth it. 

Yura

How he finds out is even more stupid than Aoi. 

You had smiled. 

Like, really smiled because how can you not smile at this pure jelly bean… 

Oh shoot, your fangs had been fully retracted. 

Again, one of those who feels that he is in no position to question your actions.

You even take pity on him by quickly removing all of the animals that he is forced to kill. 

Somehow, not seeing their carcasses alleviates his pain. 

Barely. 

What really made him relieved was that they also acted as a sort of substitute to 

At one point, you had wondered if there was any cure to you being a vampire.

Unfortunately, like with Koga, the most he can produce is a sort of potion to reduce your bloodlust. 

It does help you lower your hit list, thank god.

Maybe one day, the two of you will actually have time to clean those bloodstained hands.

Gaku

Are you here to harm his brother? 

What, you found his scent to be too saccharine? 

How Bloody Dare You. 

You better get diabetes. 

Gaku, not the point.

He found out thanks to Yura confessing. 

Sure, it had taken sheer effort to finally corner the both of you, especially since Yura knew more hiding spots in the forest than Gaku. 

When he did though, the first thing he did was to raise his drums for an attack.

Not surprisingly, he was more concerned with how you would be either against Yura rather than himself. 

Surprisingly though, he is the one giving you weapons much later. 

And I mean much, much later. Yura needed time to work his brotherly magic, after all.

He would rather you not even be doing this at all, it reminded him too much of the path Yura was forced to take. 

Only somehow worse because yours was directly related to your newfound nature. 

Still, if it helped you, he would make sure the kill is at least clean-cut and efficient.

Toichiro Yuri

Good, more resources for the Kitsune clan. 

Seriously, you don’t think there’s a bit of dirty work involved in ruling a bunch of Ayakashi, no?

He already knew of your kind thanks to not just his Western connections, but also because most vampires were related to ancient nobles. 

You had to be bloody pathetic to have not accumulated SOME form of wealth after 100 years.

Especially since your diet was literally JUST blood.

It would be no stretch to assume that Toichiro made use of his silver tongue to inveigle his questionable business partners.

That you were about to become a part of. 

And somehow even more well-hidden than the rest.

Will bug you at night on purpose just because he knows you will be up.

Asshole. 

Truly though, he does value your opinion, especially if whoever he needs info on is a potential victim.

Shizuki

Well, you could have at least told him of your dietary preferences before he had brewed up that pot of milk tea. 

And why you always seemed to struggle with meeting him on the midnight patrols. His schedule was literally thrown up thanks to YOUR secret one.

He somehow isn’t so thrown off at the fact you’re a vampire. It’s what you’re doing that gets him on guard. 

You’re going to have to work to prove that you are NOT a threat to Toichiro. 

So... good luck. 

You may even have to literally swallow your pride... in the form of milk tea. 

Low-key salty he is one of the few who didn’t figure it out and had to be told by Toichiro. 

And yet, you still did. You even tolerated his master’s jokes with an almost inhuman level of patience.

Oh, wait...

Sometimes wonder if freezing blood would help you keep it so that you won’t have to constantly hunt. 

Although you better do whatever Toichiro does ask you to do still.

Just that... he may or may not be slightly concerned with the other non-human in the manor.

Kuro 

Honestly, he is disappointed. 

It’s not about you being a vampire.

He’s probably thought his species was the worst and shameful enough not to reveal at all. 

No, it was the fact you had to murder people. 

Yes, he was glad that you had some sort of say in deciding who to kill.

The thing is, he already has one loose ex-Shinsengumi member risking everything for a few servings of justice.

He was hoping not to have a chance to lose you too.

Did try to accompany you the first few times but you were a bit too fond of the dark. 

For obvious reasons. 

Begins to stock up on random medicine he uses for physical training as an acrobat before wondering if they would even work on a vampiric body.

Still better than you not going to a hospital just because you would be tempted by the blood donors.

Hugs you tight before every mission that he knows he can’t take part in.

Someone’s gotta look after Nachi.

Oji 

For the first time, you will hear what Aoi calls ‘The Dead Voice’. 

For the longest time, you thought it was just one of his ways of covering up his affectionate slip up of calling Oji a ‘Dad’.

Now, you know. You heard right.

Strangely, he is the most aggressive. But remember, he has to consider someone. 

While Aoi may technically accept you, Oji has seen him completely vulnerable after losing all faith in humanity. 

He can’t imagine the state his ward would be in if you were to ever take it too far. 

Not only that, the resurgence of Asian Vampires started around his era so he had to grow up with the worst lot. 

Not the best memory to look back on. And he knows you can’t represent a whole species. 

Doesn’t stop him from having one or three eyes peeled open.

It takes some convincing from Koga to finally Aoi himself to reassure him that you wouldn’t do anything to harm the rest. 

And finally, you get back the adorkable manager(?) who is a bit too busy coming up with vampire puns, always offering a ‘bite’ for you.

Epilogue

After parting with your beloved, you flew. 

“Good job, my doll. I’m proud that you told him.”

With that, you smiled at the one who had turned your blood to one that lusted after another’s. Your daggers met not as an attack, but a sworn oath.

“Yes, Professor.”

[elliepassmore]

Crooked Kingdom Review

5/5 stars Recommended for people who like: heist stories, fantasy, multiple POVs, revenge, diverse characters CK picks up about a week after the end of SoC with a whole slew of new problems for our favorite gang. To recap, Van Eck the Elder has Inej, the Dregs are out 30 million, Kaz made a deal with Pekka Rollins, Nina took parem and is now addicted, but alive, and, newly discovered in chapter one, the Shu are sending weird Grisha/bird/angel things after other Grishas. Sounds like a Monday in the the Barrel. While the plot of the first book mainly focused on the Dregs getting a scientist out of the Ice Court, this one focuses on them getting their money's worth from Van Eck after he double-crossed them. Of course, nothing is ever that simple with Kaz, who has now made it one of his personal missions to not only get the $30 million from Van Eck with a little to spare, but also to ruin Van Eck's reputation. This is next to his other personal mission of tearing Pekka Rollins down brick by brick. The issues that arise as the Dregs try to accomplish this are ridiculous . Not ridiculous as in 'outside the realm of suspension of belief', but ridiculous as in 'wow, you guys just keep getting in more trouble of your own making.' Everything fits, even Kaz's admitted missteps--yes, Kaz admits a mistake aloud, I was shocked the first time reading it too--and it all plays surprisingly well into the story. I'll start with the characters that had more of an arc this story than the last one. First up is Jesper. Remember in the last book when he admitted to Inej he wagered his father's farm in a loan? Well that comes to fruition here, and his father, Colm, is dragged into Ketterdam as a trap to try and get the Dregs killed or captured. Having Colm in town drudges up a lot of Jesper's issues with gambling or, more accurately, his issues with losing at gambling. We got to see Jesper explain that gambling, much like shooting, help soothe what he referred to as 'the itch' of restlessness he has. Despite the tension between him and his father, it was nice to see the two of them interact, Bardugo wrote their relationship in such a way it's clear how much Colm cares for his son, even when he messes up. It also added some dichotomy between the group, showing that Jesper really is the only one with access to a parent who cares about them; Nina, Matthias, and Kaz's parents are dead, Inej's parents are a sea away, and Wylan's father cares more about money than him. The arc for Jesper in this story did focus a lot around his father, but it also focused on him making amends and growing as a Grisha. Jesper made some mistakes in the last book that he's working to fix now, and it leads to a pretty poignant exchange between him and Inej toward the end of the book that sticks with him. With his father involved, he's clearly struggling to reconcile the idea that he doesn't want to disappoint his father and wants to keep him safe with the reality that he's made some bad decisions andbecause of that his father isn't safe. Compounding on all these problems is Jesper also struggling with the idea of being Grisha and how to handle that moving forward. Things clearly changed for him during the Ice Court job, but he's not entirely sure how to handle that change. Nina wants him to go to Ravka, of course, but there's hesitation in Jesper that's telling him to stay away. There's also the fear of staying in Ketterdam as a Grisha. It's later discovered that this hesitation and fear is in part due to his mother being a Grisha and dying trying to help someone, and in part due to his father's reaction to her death. After being taught to shove down his powers for most of his life, the idea of living in harmony with them obviously scares Jesper, and another large part of his arc in this book is wrestling with that fear and this 'new' identity as Grisha and whether or not to let the fear stay--it is not entirely unfounded--and continue on as he has, or to embrace being Grisha and all that comes with it. Nina also has a stronger arc in this story than in SoC. At the end of the last book, she was still recovering from the effects of taking parem in order to help the group escape Fjerda. At the start of this one she's still struggling with the addiction. The danger of withdrawal is past, but she still craves the drug, even going so far as to beg Matthias for a little bit more. The toll the drug has taken on her is monumental, she's lost weight, has little appetite, seems perpetually tired, and has difficulty using her Heartrender powers, even on herself. I actually really liked Nina's story line in this book because we so rarely get to see addiction in fantasy formats, especially in the sort of light Bardugo frames it in. In other formats the addiction is phrased as a medication the character is addicted to and needs for their health or something that was forced upon them. Here, Nina took parem to save her friends, knowing what would happen, and life after taking it and becoming addicted is presented as hard and unpleasant and sometimes feels like it's not worth it. Everyone is clearly worried about Nina, taking quiet victories in her eating a little more than the day before or joking around or standing up to Kaz on behalf of the other Grisha in the city. A second part of Nina's arc, related to parem, is that her powers have become something different, something she feels isn't wholly natural. As a Heartrender, Nina had control over people's body and could raise or lower their heart rates, relax muscles, and even had a limited ability to heal and disguise people. All of this created a connection to people and to the living. After parem, her power's have manifested in having control of the dead--think, dust clouds and bones as shrapnel and, yes, even getting the dead walking--and to her it feels like a part of her is hollowed out because of it. So, on top of having to deal with still craving parem, she also has to reconcile how she views her powers and their/her place in the world. Matthias also has a lot of character development in this book. After/during the Ice Court job, he softened up around the crew and even began changing how he felt about Grisha. These changes really come to fruition here. The more he sees and learns about Grisha, their powers, and even how different cultures view them, the more he seems to understand that Grisha are as natural as humans and begins questioning just how the drüskelle and Fjerda managed to tilt so far in the opposite direction. He even recognizes something Nina did in the previous book--for all of Fjerda's dislike of the Grisha, it's almost certain the miracles of their saints and even the Ice Court itself is due to Grisha powers. As the book continues, Matthias begins recognizing more and more the toxicity of what the drüskelle preach and comes up with a loose idea that he wants to work to change the teachings and get rid of some of the hate. Wylan's story is changed in a major way over the course of the book when he realizes something his father kept from him (*SPOILER* his mother is not dead, but instead locked away in an asylum his father stuck her in when he decided he wanted a new wife and a new heir *SPOILER END*. He also advances as a character who sees more than just the good side and bad side of things, but also the middle, the idea that good people do bad things and that bad people are sometimes the most effective vessels for change for the better. Wylan also wrestles a bit with his identity in this book, as he's stuck looking like Kuwei Yul-Bo for most of it, a change he seems to not mind that much until Jesper gets the two of them mixed up. After the surprise discovery, and toward the end of the book, Wylan gets to decide what kind of person he's going to become. He seems to decide to take a page from the books of the people surrounding him try to have "every bit of bravado he'd learned from Nina, the will he'd learned from Matthias, the focus he'd studied in Kaz, hte courage he'd learned from Inej, and the wild, reckless hope he'd learned from Jesper, the belief that no matter the odds, somehow they'd always win" (427). Inej's goal for the future is clearly set in her mind during this book, and she seems eager to get her ship to hunt down slavers. That's not to say, however, that she's done with the crew. She's still the Wraith, she still sees Ketterdam as one of her homes, she's still a Dreg. As clear as her goals are, she wants to be around to help Nina and Matthias and the other Grisha get to safety, to help Jesper protect his father, to help Wylan get his back at his father, and of course to help Kaz get the money. She seems to worry more in this book, but has a greater feel of freedom about her as she does so. To me, reading her chapters, it felt like something had been lifted off her shoulders and she decided once and for all that she is Inej Ghafa, the Wraith, future slaver hunter, and that she will not settle for less, even if it means letting go of some people. I like how Inej's story line wraps up at the end of the book, and I would definitely be open to reading a book about what she does next, if Bardugo ever decided that's something she wants to pursue. Finally, Kaz. He's definitely gotten trickier in this book. Throughout the story he's playing two, three different games, arranging and rearranging people as he likes as if they're chess pieces, or whatever the chess-equivalent is in Ketterdam. He says things that hint, and sometimes almost blatantly tell, at what he's planning on doing, and even how he'll achieve it, but it's hard to catch if you aren't looking for it. Some things don't go to plan, a lot of things don't go to plan, and Kaz actually does admit to his mistakes aloud in this one, but he thinks quickly and has contingent after contingent ready to pluck from his mind. You definitely get to see how his mind works more in this one than in the Ice Court job, and with all the cogs that turn in his head I'm actually surprised he waited this long to oust Per Haskell. Of course, he plays the long-game, so it's entirely possible he had a plan like this in his head all along an the job from the first book and the issues with Van Eck just sped it along. Aside from further developing his criminal mastermind, we also get to see some development on the personal front. As opposed to the barely-held thread Kaz held onto when his skin was touched in the first book, we see him tolerating a little more in this one when he deems it necessary--bathroom scene, the Slat scene, the last scene. Further, we get to see him caring for the crew a little more overtly in this book, admitting to Jesper that he cares, working to get the Grisha to safety for Nina, trying to let his barriers down for Inej, and even essentially giving Wylan an empire (though I have no doubt Kaz plans on utilizing that at some point in the future). Bardugo left the ending for the book in a nice place. It can be complete here, the story lines from the first book are all closed, the characters each got a wrap-up, but it's also left open enough that she could come back and write more about the Dregs without it feeling forced or unnatural. I, personally, really want to know more about what Inej (Inej-Kaz team?) and the Jesper-Wylan team are up to, since I know we'll probably get to see more about Nina and the Grisha in King of Scars . Like SoC, the plot was mostly character-driven, but there was a lot of action and high-stakes moments throughout the story. There were twists I did and didn't see coming and, overall, I'm pretty happy with how the book went.

[sigmastolen]

dsc 2.02 “new eden”

this episode was so good?????  like idk maybe it just pushed all the right buttons for me but the ending had me crying real liquid tears?  red angel hovering form bless jonathan frakes ??????  spoilers after the jump?????????

is star trek finally doing a story about faith i can get on board with?  because i was honestly riveted by every moment down on the planet, especially by the interiors in the church.  and pike clearly believes in something, or maybe more accurately has struggled with belief in something, he certainly knows more on the subject of religion than your average atheist 23rd-century earth human, and that immediately made him 200% more interesting to me oops.  and i’m intrigued by spock’s connection to it, because for all their logic, vulcan culture also has a mysticism streak a mile wide.  and whatever their nature or motives, the angelic beings (or possibly just one being) appear to be sending Our Heroes on a galactic rescue mission scavenger hunt... but to what end?

i don’t think they’re literal angels; burnham, our hero protagonist viewpoint character, is very firm about that and i don’t believe this show would tear her down like that, and besides, it’s trek -- for 60 years, it has shown us that science is the answer, as roddenberry willed it, and i know s1 was a bumpy ride but i trust dsc that far, at least.

i trust dsc on this point much more than i ever trusted ds9 and honestly i’m still Very Bothered by the prophets and the pah-wraiths and all of that, despite how much i love ds9.  idk, i’m still not sure why i could never fuck with the prophets when i am all over virtually every other story about faith that i have encountered

(i also 100% believe in jewish worf & rozhenko famliy and i wholeheartedly support jewish kirk and spock, and other headcanons about earth religions; maybe the thing that rubs me the wrong way about bajoran faith is the fictionality?  like idk i’m having a hard time remembering specific examples at the moment but maybe the other fictional-religion stories i’ve experienced haven’t dealt as much with faith as the-gods-are-real-and-we-can-deal-with-them-directly, which is a very different flavor of story.)

i truly don’t understand why i’m so drawn to faith stories; even when i was a small child and we went to mass every week and i went to catechism classes and shit, i can’t remember a time when i believed.  sometimes i think it would be nice -- a comfort, maybe.  occasionally i’ve tried and i just Can’t.  irl, i try to be live-and-let-live but deep in my heart i have no patience for any kind of religion or spirituality.  it honestly makes no damn sense for me to be so interested in stories about faith, and yet here we are

tangentially, was the idea of the red flashes being a rescue mission floated in 2.01 at all, or is that a new concept with this episode?

spock in a psych ward is.... Something.  at least if they’re not allowed shaving kits, it explains the beard?  it is in character for him to try to remove himself if he feels he’s not up to snuff, i guess.  i’m sort of not sure how i feel overall about the apparent psychological trauma dsc is giving spock.

...... aaaaaaand wilson cruz is gone from the credits :/

“be bold. be brave. be courageous.” be redundant :/  (i half-expected him to break into macbeth: “be bloody, bold, and resolute”)

for all that stamets told tilly he was leaving disco because he “sees hugh everywhere,” the most painful thing might be having that hope of really seeing him in the mycelial network, and then not.  the first time he has to jump in this episode he’s very reluctant and clearly emotional afterwards, but when the away team runs into trouble he’s paying attention and he voluntarily comes to the bridge to science it out, which seems like an improvement.  the second time there’s no time to have conflicted feelings about it and he runs -- but then we don’t see him again for the rest of the episode and i am Worried.

by may’s second appearance i was thinking, “is she a hallucination?  is she an alien????????” and yet i still felt a chill when the computer told tilly her death date.  good storytelling, show.

she’s never appeared before; saru and pollard don’t react to her; she conspicuously doesn’t touch anything; she (almost) never appears in the frame with tilly, mostly there are cuts between shots of them.  for the genre-savvy, it was pretty obvious

for the record, my vote: telepathic alien presence, most likely some manifestation of the red angels

i mean, she did help tilly figure out how to save the planet

OR ACTUALLY and i just thought of this now -- a manifestation from the mycelial network jarred loose when tilly hit her head in the cargo bay?  i mean we just had that whole conversation with stamets about how culber helped him and nothing is ever truly gone??  and there was the one spore that landed on tilly’s shoulder way back when omg omg omg ???

the idea of doing donuts in a starship definitely has a lighthearted appeal but i ended up being kind of disappointed with the execution of detmer’s donut maneuver, sorry, not sorry, show.  i know we needed to see the gravitational pull of the asteroid working on the debris to save the planet, but i expected it to be more visually dynamic.

also i’m sad that tilly had to get rid of her pet project, especially after her sample went boom and tried to kill her

can she use the pebble that floated out of the artificial gravity matrix and crushed the tray?  does that bit even have enough dark matter in it for her to study?  

“don’t make me laugh” “lucky for you, i was raised on vulcan. we don’t do humor” omg i died

burnham healing from her grief and regret after s1!  burnham building a healthy, trusting relationship with a commanding officer after lorca!  burnhammmmmmmmmmm

in the middle of pike’s final scene with jacob i suddenly realized the preponderance of black scientists in this episode and then i cried a lot about representation and showing black kids they can have futures in STEM fields.  and specifically black women and girls -- not just burnham, but also owosekun and dr. pollard and jacob’s daughter (?) rose.  good job, show.  good job, casting department.  good job, andrew moodie and raven dauda and oyin oladejo and always, always sonequa martin-green

also on some level i was just crying about the fact that jacob was keeping science and rationality alive after 200 years despite being surrounded by people who fundamentally disagree with that view.  and the fact that the lights in the church will surely be hailed as a miracle, and jacob is the only one who knows the truth and he can’t tell, because his community would be actively hostile to his story.  like, he tells pike that knowing is enough for him... but is it really?  will it always be enough?  i’m not convinced.

i love that we’re getting more background -- not just for our principals, but also for owosekun (also how cute that tilly calls her “owo”) and detmer, and i’m anticipating more to come.  i love that our supporting characters are getting chances to shine.

i love that this episode, which was really very plotty, had so many character beats.  i love that frakes is so good at bringing those to the fore when he directs.

honestly i’m so invested now in the scavenger hunt that i kind of don’t want to leave this storyline to check in with mirror!georgiou or the klingons

[nerdylittleshit]

Thoughts about Spn 13x03

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Because my computer hates me this is the second time I write this. F**k my life.

So. The first “Wayward Sisters” episode. Yeah! Overall I liked this episode a lot, even though it was not what I expected. With Sam and Dean separated and Dean alone with not one but two mom characters I expected a lot of talk about feelings, which we got in the end but not how I pictured it. In hindsight this makes sense. This episode was an introduction to “Wayward Sisters” and Patience, it was about her character and the groundwork of the spin-off we will hopefully get, and Dean’s grief (though still visible) shouldn’t be the focus. There were some parallels to the mytharc of the season – Jack – which in my opinion didn’t quite work, but apart from that it was a solid start for our girls.

The name of the episode - patience - is fitting, because not only is it about the character Patience, but about to act of being patient. Patience itself has a lot of religious symbolism, and fits right in with the seasonal theme of loss and grief.

Patience (or forbearing) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean: persevering in the face of delay; provocation without acting on negative annoyance/anger; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can have before negativity.

Both Sam and Dean have to endure pain, both have to be patient for better days to come. In a more religious approach though patience is about having faith, it is about the act to believe in a better future. With the tease of Cas’s return at the end of the episode we know that Sam and Dean’s patience will be rewarded, even though of course they are not aware of this yet. Time will tell how much patience there is in Patience.

But before we come to her we have to talk about where her story starts, with Missouri. Sam recognizing her on the phone had me believe for a moment that they stayed in contact all those years, but they made it clear that the only time they met Missouri was back in season 1. Which makes her phone call to them even more interesting, especially a decade later, as she probably knew other hunters as well. Missouri of course knew about Dean’s losses, and the fact that Jody didn’t ask him about it makes me think Sam already told her. As I said I would have loved a conversation with either Missouri or Jody with Dean about his grief, but this episode was not the place for it.

I know there is probably a lot of wank about Missouri’s death, and I get it. Another female character, a woman of colour none the less, I feel you, and you have every right to be hurt by it. It sucks that we have yet another character whose story starts with the death of a (grand) mother figure, and given that Patience still has her dad I worry about him too, because she needs a reason why she lives with Jody. That said, I felt that Missouri’s death was different, because they have given her agency. She knew that she was about to die, she had the chance to ask Dean and Jody for help, but she didn’t. She accepted it and instead asked for Dean’s help in protecting her family. She chose the terms of her death, similar perhaps to the way Jo and Ellen died. As I said, you have every right to feel bitter about it, but from a storytelling point of view Bobo proved that he can write a better death scene than certain other writers.

Patience is a girl whose only interest so far is her academic career, before she eventually gets aware of her own gift and her family’s connection to the supernatural. Now she has to decide how to deal with it. The show tried to make a parallel here with Jack (and a smaller amount Sam), who has to choose what to do with his powers as well. It is the old thematic rerun of normal life vs hunting life and fate vs free will. The shoe though doesn’t fit. Both are young and have no control over their powers yet and it is clear that their powers are a part of them they can’t escape. Patience’s gift though is passive; it is something that is happening to her and it is her choice to act on it or not. By doing so she potentially puts her own life at risk or risks that someone else gets hurt where she could have prevented it. But it is in no way comparable with Jack’s powers.

Jack’s struggle is with himself, about finding out who he is. So far his powers have only caused pain, making him believe he is evil himself. No matter what his mother told him about free will and that he can choose what kind of person he wants to be, he believes his actions (intentional or not) speak for themselves. Jack is afraid of himself, of the darkness within him, and that Dean could be right about him. And in this aspect his story matches in no way Patience’s story. Patience’s story is about her powers, her family, and herself, but those are separate things (even though they are connected). Whereas Jack defines himself over his heritage and his powers alone, making him already cancel his initial choice of Cas as his father and his mother’s believe in free will.

With James we have a character that grew up similar to Sam and Dean, because apparently Missouri was a hunter as well (was this ever mentioned before? This info seems new to me). Just like Sam though he wanted out of the life, to live normal and give his family a normal life as well. It is no surprise then that he wants his daughter to return to her old life. What is more surprising though is Dean’s response to it.

Dean: This life - hunting, monsters - there's no joy in it. There's nothing but pain, horror, and death. So if you get a chance at normal, you take it.

This goes hand in hand with Dean’s later comment about Missouri’s death, that it was just another day at the office. Because Dean is done. With everything. He is so disconnected with his own life, with his job that gave him purpose, that Missouri’s death doesn’t affect him anymore. All he sees now is what the job cost him, what it keeps on costing him. There is no hope, no value in what he is doing anymore.

Which leads us to the end of the episode and oh, did Bobo deliver. I said after 12x22 that I believe that Bobo secretly reads all our metas because the conversation between Mary and Dean had addressed so many things we kept talking about for years. And the fight here between Sam and Dean does the same, including Sam’s status as special child/his demon blood addiction and John’s request to kill him.

Dean: You deserved to be saved. He doesn't!

Did anyone else thought of “You don’t think you deserve to be saved”? Because Sam and Dean both see themselves in Jack, but in a complete different way. Sam believes Jack deserves to be saved, he has to, because he keeps telling himself that he deserved it as well, that his family was right about believing in him. Dean though, he never believed that. Dean, who sees himself as poison, who believes that everyone he cares about will suffer because of him. Sounds familiar? Because that is what Jack currently believes about himself (oh, the irony). And Dean’s accusation that Sam only pretends to care because he needs Jack for his powers (which Sam doesn’t deny) won’t help either. I’ve already speculated about how this could be what will lead Jack away from the Winchesters, thinking they only need him for his powers (the same way Cas did).

And then of course we have yet again Sam making their loss about Mary first and foremost, and Dean making it about Cas. About how Jack brainwashed Cas, how his connection to Jack killed him, how all he can think about when he sees Jack is Cas and the pain of his loss. And how he can’t forget. Like,  they don’t even try to be subtle about it. They both lost two members of their family, but for Sam it is all about Mary (and the chance to get her back), whereas for Dean it is all about Cas. Cas, who is all the way dead.

Speaking of… welcome back Cas! Even though we don’t know for sure yet I’m pretty pretty pretty sure it is the Empty. It certainly looks like it. So how is Jack connected to it? Will his voice guide Cas out of it? Will Jack bring Cas back, as a way to try to redeem himself? We will see.

Some other things:

- That shot of Dean drinking and listening to music… It was rather short and didn’t add anything to the plot, so the fact that they left it in feels significant. I still like to believe he listened to the mixtape, but obviously they can’t afford to use an actual Led Zep song.

- Asmodeus was in Jack’s head. I feel like this might cause a problem in the future.

- Ronson is my new fave.

- The Wraith said the first psychic was an accident he picked up in a mental ward. The first time we saw a wraith? In 5x11, in a mental ward.  

- I really liked the fighting scene where Dean overpowered and killed the wraith. I never pay much attention to them, so this says something.

- Patience’s psychic powers/her vision was quite handy during the hunt, so I think we might see something similar in “Wayward Sisters”. Reminds me of Phoebe in Charmed actually.

And that’s it. Til’ next week!

[modernbookfae]

suriel tells nesta about the mating bond and she's angry with cassian for not telling her & mor telling nesta about her and cassians past when nesta pisses her off over Azriel but skipping out on the detail that they're not a thing, ~gotta love misunderstandings with a side of betrayal lol. your account fills me with so much joy I think I check it three times a day. You're an amazing writer and write Nessian so well, which really helps me after a bad day! Much love 10/10 lmao

This was tough to write since it’s hard to include this whole tangled web of Cassian, Azriel and Mor’s tedious relationship with Nesta included, but hopefully I did the characters justice!

Nesta was on a dangerous edge. She stood with her fists ready to train with Mor as Azriel stood nearby to survey the training. At first Rhysand’s third in command and shadowsinger were perplexed as to why Nesta requested they train with her today instead of Cassian.

But Nesta didn’t feel like talking. Nor did she owe anyone an explanation.

All she wanted was to rid herself of these emotions that threatened to make her crumble. Venting out her feelings with physical force usually helped. Which is why she was currently throwing swings at Mor and deflected each returned hit that was tossed back at her.

The two females weren’t quite friends. Not yet at least. They were allies fighting for the same side to defeat Hybern, but there always seemed to tension anytime Cassian entered the room with Nesta and Mor in it.

The change in the air crackled as Cassian would look between the two women. As though he was nervous something had been revealed before he arrived. And if that wasn’t awkward enough it became worse when Azriel would sneak into like a wraith in the shadows.

It was clear history was between Mor, Cassian and Azriel. And it was more than just a friendship or camaraderie. Nesta felt as though she was toeing around a line that connected the three members of the Inner Circle, yet she had no idea what part she played in this odd dynamic.

She was almost too afraid to find out. Whatever tangled relationship that trio shared was something Nesta didn’t want to be part of. Sure she envied their friendship and longed to join in.

Though more often then not she found most of her attention being diverted to Cassian. An odd tug in her chest pulled her toward him. Each day she found it harder to resist his easy grins and joke’s that managed to tug a brief smile on Nesta’s lips.

Yet when she finally brought up the courage to approach him Mor always seemed to be there with a bright smile that would make even the sun seem dull.

That’s how it was. Nesta was a grey cloud compared to the shining light that Mor embodied.

It hurt deep in her chest to see Cassian and Mor so close. Why couldn’t she be like that? Warm and inviting? More like the dreamer of the Night Court or even her own sister Elain?

Except now everything changed. Ever since Nesta stumbled across a trapped Suriel near the edges of the Velaris things had never been the same.

The creature had thanked her profusely and made a comment about how Illyrian Commander was lucky to have her as a mate. Nesta was in disbelief at the words coming from that yellow-toothed mouth that smiled in glee when it thought Nesta would appreciate such a compliment.

The result was quite the opposite. Especially when the Suriel revealed that Cassian had known for months that they were mates.

Months. Months without knowing something so important. All those heated glances and teasing words they exchanged…the trust Nesta thought they had built so strongly was tumbling down. She had told him so much about her past. Revealed things she had never told anybody. All because she thought Cassian was different from everyone else. That he wouldn’t pity her or keep things from her, because they thought she was a weak little girl.

Her sorrow and anger choked her throat. Her walls were raised again to defend herself. She knew now that she couldn’t trust anyone with her doubts and worries. And Cassian made it evident that he didn’t trust her with this information.

It was suffocating. Her closed in tight around her as a fortress. impenetrable to even Cassian’s concerned gaze when she began avoiding him after she arrived back to the House of Wind.

She wondered for days if he would build up the nerve to admit what he had known for so long. Yet he never did. He acted as if nothing had changed. He was all charms and sweet words meant to soften her.

But now she saw his grins as false lies and his honeyed compliments turned sour to her ears. She was not soft. She would never be soft like Elain, Mor or any other girl.

She was granite and steel. A hardened blade that would never yield to his touch that once made her skin burn with a need she never truly understood.

Cassian noticed her distant attitude when she returned from her encounter with the Suriel. She could see the slight confusion in his eyes as their growing friendship reverted back to a time when she loathed him.

He let her have space. For a moment Nesta was relieved except deep in her heart she wanted to tug on that bond. It was difficult to be apart for so long despite their seeing each other roaming through the House of Wind. A piece of Nesta’s soul was lost and she didn’t know how to get it back.

Perhaps fighting for it would be possible. Nesta understood battle strategies well-enough that she simply needed to release these painful emotions through fists and words.

Which led her to this moment when her fae powers rose to the surface and struck Mor in a loud thunderclap that echoed across the training ground underneath a balcony at the House of Wind.

Nesta didn’t intend to send Mor that far back. Or perhaps Mor let her strike her, because she knew Nesta needed. But that still didn’t stop the golden haired female from standing up with a livid expression on her face.

Mor wiped a smudge of dirt off her face and marched toward Nesta. A determined and pissed off look on her face that made even Azriel stand straighter.

“What is wrong with you?” Mor demanded.

“Me?” Nesta’s apology died on her lips when Mor’s question made her pause.

“Who else would I be talking too?” Mor gestured around them. “The only one I see here who is ready to bring down this mountain with rage is you.”

“It’s nothing,” Nesta gave out a tight-lipped response. She wasn’t about to talk about her worries with two of Cassian’s closest friends.

“Bullshit,” Mor crossed her arms. “Why can’t you just trust us Nesta? If you just admit what going on- ”

Nesta laughed darkly. “Trust? Admit what wrong?” Nesta shook her head. “I don’t need to tell you anything. I’m fine on my own considering the last time I trusted the fae it didn’t end well.” And it resulted in her and Elain being tossed into that damned Cauldron.

“You can’t blame us for that,” Mor said. “And honestly speaking out about things that are bothering you can help.”

“Oh really?” And Nesta looked at Azriel who walked up to them. “Then maybe we should start with you Mor? Sounds like that should be fair don’t you think?”

Mor narrowed her eyes. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

Nesta nodded her head to the shadowsinger who now stood beside Mor. “Don’t you think that this little thing going on between you, Azriel and Cassian is a bit confusing?”

The area went deathly silent.

“Excuse me?” Mor growled softly.

“You heard me,” Nesta said. “But maybe you’re deaf as you are blind if you can’t see that what you two are doing is hurting Cassian by being some sort of buffer between you.”

“Don’t talk about us as if you understand,” Mor spoke with an edge. “You know nothing.”

“Then explain it to me,” Nesta crossed her arms. She was honestly curious about the dynamics between Cassian, Mor and Azriel. How they were closely connected, yet there was some sort of push that kept them each on a delicate balance that threatened their friendship.

“Mor-“ Azriel gently reached out with his scarred hand.

“No Azriel,” Mor looked at him. “If she wants to know then I’ll tell her.”

Azriel looked torn as Mor faced Nesta. Both females in an unwavering stare down.

“Cassian and I were together centuries ago,” Mor said.

Nesta lifted a brow. Breath stalling in her throat. She had an idea what Mor’s words meant. “So you two…?”

“We were intimate,” Mor shrugged as if it made no difference though the heavy weight of her shoulders made it seem as if it was a burden. As though it was a regret in some way. “My virginity was seen as a prize to my people and I was to be forced into an arranged marriage with a male who was abusive to say the least.”

“How does Cassian play into this?” Nesta questioned.

“I wanted Cassian to be the one who did it. I wanted a choice to decide who I laid with and when I was no longer deemed valuable,” Mor sneered at the word. “I was able to be free.”

Nesta felt torn. Sure she was happy Mor was able to escape the people that tried to chain her, but to know that Cassian and her were far more acquainted than Nesta thought…it unsettled her.

“Are you and Cassian…?” Nesta tried to imply though her words felt thick in her mouth. As if they were going to suffocate her.

“Oh no!” Mor said with a wave of her hand. “We were only together once and that was enough. Though Cassian has found it irksome that I never looked back afterwards.”

And there it was. So Cassian did feel something towards Mor years later.

Azriel must have noticed the clouded look over Nesta’s eyes. Or perhaps it was the welling tears that formed in the corners.

“Wait.” Azriel smoothly grabbed her arm as Nesta tried to bolt. He wanted to explain that Cassian and Mor held no affection other than friendship. It was Nesta who Cassian longed for. Perhaps since that first day she bared her teeth at him during dinner months ago when she was still human.

Before he could get the words out Nesta struggled to free herself from his grasp.

All these fae powers and now being mates with someone who was in love with another. Nesta couldn’t handle this. She had never hated her existence more than she did at this second. Her hopes of strengthening her growing friendship and perhaps even tender attachment with Cassian fell to pieces. She believed they were finally making steps toward a future she never thought she could have. A future she never believed she could ever deserve.

Her thoughts were a storm. Anger. Grief. Self-loathing. All of it ran cold in her veins and threatened to snap her in two.

Nesta pried her hand away from Azriel and made to flee. Fighting didn’t help release her emotions. So she did the only thing left that her instincts screamed to do.

And in a rush to escape she failed to notice a male gliding down from the sky on scarred wings. An Illyrian who felt the tremors of her emotions and flew to the House of Wind to console his mate from whatever had upset her.

The moment Cassian landed he analyzed the scene in front of him. Mor gave him a terse look before placing a hand on Azriel’s shoulder. His shadows trembled and lightened at her touch. Azriel glanced back and a signal between the two was given as Mor winnowed them out of sight in an instant.

Nesta blinked at their sudden departure. She stilled as a familiar scent reached her senses. With one last breath to compose herself she put on an mask of indifference to hide her inner self. Another line of defense before she spun around to face the Night Court’s Army Commander.

Her mate.

Cassian.

His eyes were trained on her the moment she turned. Looking deep to find something that he knew Nesta kept bolted shut inside her heart. His eyes softened at whatever he discovered.

It infuriated Nesta. How dare he look at her like that. As if he cared. As if he understood her better than anyone.

Nesta straightened her stance. Ready to face off against what would be perhaps her most grueling battle of wits and sharp words.

“Nesta,” Cassian took one step forward prompting Nesta to retreat back. He froze immediately and worry flickered in his eyes.

“Don’t come near me,” Nesta whispered though she knew he heard her.

A pause. Time stretched before them as the distance between them felt as though it lengthened. Each unsure of where they stood in this delicate balance that was teetering to an edge of either hurt or acceptance.

“How could you do this,” Nesta’s voice cracked. “We were – I thought you trusted me. As a friend.” As something more. But Nesta didn’t add that part though the way Cassian’s eyes widened a fraction perhaps he could read her better than she imagined.

“I do trust you Nesta,” slowly Cassian inched forward. His wings tucked closer behind him so as not to make her uncomfortable at his approach. “You’re my comrade. My equal- ”

“You mean your mate,” Nesta interrupted bitterly. Cassian blinked. The only sign of surprise before he nodded.

“How did you know?” Cassian asked.

“Does it matter? It’s not as if you would ever choose me.” Nesta jerked her face away as tears welled in her eyes. “Not when nobody wants me.”

“Sweetheart that’s not true,” Cassian reached her and brought her into his arms. “How could I not want you? You’re the only one I can’t stop thinking about. Ever since that day when I first met you in your home.”

Nesta shook her head against his chest. Wet tears falling on his flying leathers.

“But you and Mor…don’t you love her?”

Cassian chuckled and stroked the back of Nesta’s hair. His fingers soothing her to the point she relaxed against him.

“The love I have for Mor is of friendship,” Cassian leaned down to look Nesta in the eye before he continued. His thumb stroked away a wet path that ran down her cheeks. “And the love I have for you is far greater than that. One that can’t be broken and only grows stronger.”

Nesta quirked her head slightly. Digesting the words as though she had been starved before she realized what he said.

“You love me?” She asked. “As more than a friend?”

Cassian nodded and his cheeks flushed a little. “I never wanted to pressure you with my own feelings. With everything happening from preparing to war and you adjusting to your fae powers…I didn’t want to burden you with that knowledge.”

The respect and admiration Nesta had toward Cassian grew with his admission. He bore the weight of their bond on his shoulders in silence. Just so Nesta wouldn’t be stressed about what those implications meant.

She took a shaky breath and pressed her ear against Cassian’s chest. Listening to his heartbeat in a steady rhythm as she wrapped her arms around his back.

“Thank-you Cassian,” she murmured. “But I want you to know that you – we don’t need to hide it anymore.”

“We?” Cassian pulled back to study Nesta. Making sure she understood what this would mean.

Nesta gave him a smile and immediately Cassian’s world centered on the rarity of that action. Knowing that this smile was for him alone.

Cassian couldn’t contain his joy as he spun Nesta around in a joyous whoop with his wings spreading out to encase them both. Shielding the world for privacy when Cassian leaned down to kiss Nesta. And she in turn kissed him back with passion that made them forget about the war and their troubles for a brief and blissful moment.