#her IG should be maybe looked at then by her
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signalisheads. ninesolsheads. ive swapped your tragic doomed yuri. they're getting enrichment i swear
#signalis#nine sols#ariane#elster#lady ethereal#xiaohe#lady ethereal nine sols#xiaohe nine sols#elster signalis#ariane signalis#siiiigh somehow drawing elster ariane ninesolsstyle is harder than drawing lady ethereal xiaohe in signalis situations#coulda taken it further n gijinkad em or whateva but i didnt feel like it#elster ig is closes to one a them .... genoguards ? i guess ? or maybe even to chiyou n xingtian since they were made w actual solarians#right?#the elster ariane as direct xiaohe lady ethereal swaps dont make much sense and i was like hold on this should probably be ''lilith'' not#elster.but then thatd make ariane alina instead and the Point of ariane is the her as lady ethereal boss fight. so#and as for ariane lady ethereal boss fight design. sigh.#well the obvious choice was to falke her. so then i went well whats falke. soldier? whats soldier in nine sols. jiequan & co i guess? i onl#spiked her guantlets tho u can barely tell#and then i wanted some kinda long ....coat thing.........this prob doesnt make sense#shoulda prob gone harder on nine sols than on the signalis aspects#but also shrug emote. i didnt feel like using 100% of my brain#lady ethereal xiaohe as ariane elster was ez enough i just albinism'd (or whatever ariane got) lady ethereal a lil#xiaohe i should have changed her fur color technically but erm. she looked bad with blue/black fur. so#anyway i could draw more w them ig if anyones interested but it rlly depends..whateva#anywayyy go play nine sols/signalis a game taking place on a very normal ''spaceship'' with the expected amount of meat on it. dw you'll se#this thang has been in my drafts for like a week lets post it at ass o clock in the morning (thumbs up emoji)
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i realized they had the same birthday (dec 21st) so i was like "yoooo i should draw them together"
silly bonus:
#my art lol#vocaloid#vocaloid fanart#utau#utauloid fanart#utau fanart#根音ネネ#nene nene#nene nene utau#oliver vocaloid#oliver vocatone#oliver maghni ai#i guess??? because that's his maghni ai design? chose it for fun and for color/composition purposes ig (slightly more yellow? and details)#don't know how to tag this... and since yuki only appears in the bonus doodle idk if i should really tag her#i don't actually know if oliver would be scared of nene or not aksjhgk that little guy doesnt seem scared by most things#but i just thought it would make for a funny side doodle so thats why its there lol#potential successor to the kagamines/iku doodle? in a way maybe... i should find more vsynths that share bdays and draw them together#fun fun fun... ofc its not the exact same day and year like tho iku and the kagamines tho (which is crazy); nene came out in 2009#but ya. showing penance in some way because i was too depressed to draw anything for oliver's bday last year lmao 😭 im sorry my boy#i mean i did do that shitty short meme video which i almost completely forgot abt but that doesnt counttt im talking art piece#this piece was gonna look way more different originally but i couldn't get it to look right so i went for something simpler#cause i was running out of time... and also experimented a little since this one's weird in that i did the colors first rather than lines#then did lines based on the colors and cleaned up the coloring after. and i was gonna add some more stuff to bg but got tired rip#so yeah maybe its a bit simple for my liking but im too tired to redo this again. i had to resize it bc i accidentally made og file huge#and it just wouldnt upload to tumblr lmaoo so apologies if the quality got crunched#IVE BEEN WAITING ALL FUCKING DAY TO POST THIS AND THE OTHER SHIT HAHAHAHEH... i couldve scheduled them but NOOo... oliver day
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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sometimes i'm like. am i actually a narcissist? just for a moment. then i remember that from the ages of like 12-19 i eschewed all other photographs or more normal forms of decoration to keep a framed photo of myself on either my desk or my bedside table where i could look at it constantly. cuz i thought i looked cute and confident and no it did not occur to me i might like to have a photo of like, a family member or some cool trees or something i just took like 7 years to go huh wait other people don't keep a photograph of themselves on their desks? what do you do when you want to look at yourself go all the way to a mirror??? anyway it wasn't realizing this was unusual that made me stop the photo just got water damage
#rip it genuinely made me so happy bc it was like 10-y-oldish me lounging upside down in a chair#with my hands behind my head just smiling the hugest most smug smile#everything Went Wrong when i was 8 or 9 so maybe i was younger when it was taken? or i was just on an upswing/good day#but tinyme exuded so much confidence in that photo it acted like a coping mechanism trigger object#id look at it and just go 'hell YEAH we're crushing it'. (reader i was not crushing it ever)#anyway just thought of this bc i was thinking abt the shit therapist i saw once b4 i got a better one recently#where i shared i 'found it useful to use npd as a framework to help me manage' i.e 'i self-dxed and i'm right but i'm gonna act#like i could be wrong. also all dxes are bullshit to some degree'#and then like. 5 min later i was explaining some of the things i've already worked on and what i wanted to#and my general mental profile blah blah. and she was like 'um... wow you think a lot about yourself!' and i literally just.#looked at her and then pointed to myself and said 'i mean#narcissism...'#anyway she got fired or smth and the guy i have now is chill. this can count as a life update ig#sunflower radio hour#vic talks#my arms are killing me i should not have typed........... Hubris.
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every now and then i experience brief moments of self-awareness telling me to make major changes to the fusionsprunt story
#queue#maybe it has to do with this need of visualizing it as an actual tv show. it's not necessarily a bad thing#it's so much fun to question what would happen if a specific part was rewritten or twisted into smth else. how would it work and all#for example. i've been thinking. what if Hunter was an actual robot? how does his interaction with Exocannis and B2 change bcs of it? :0#i dont think that part will be rewritten but it's an interesting possibility#one thing i wanted to change is Gideon's lore though!#the way he disregards B2 doesn't sit right w me (and ig it didn't with everyone else who read the lore)#also! there's not much info about his childhood. it was nice until BOO TRAUMAAA.#overall i wanted to introduce him some other way. the way Gideon Rigell would do!#perhaps with a little comic? a loose dialogue in an artwork of sorts#comparing him to who he is currently is like going. wow! good job buddy ur getting better! but also you should probably seek therapy...#as for B2. i have some ideas.#some times i enjoy exploring new designs in which she looks VERY non-human or has some sort of non-human mentality#a true alien!#i wanna redesign her siblings and make all of them have an 'x' somewhere in their names#what if Beatrix had 4 siblings? what if she was the 'youngest'? what if they were all created by the same person#a person who was responsible for their creation but who also treated them like their own children#some kind of enthusiastic visionary with a passion for robotics who genuinely cared for machines. even 'mindless' ones#Also B2's relation to the Holloway Comet#like no. that's the. that's The Mother. that's the mother guys that's UNQUESTIONABLE#im talking about Monument Mythos vibes yknow. about giant n terrifying monuments/objects#i'm also cooking up ideas for comics focused solely on Bee#oneshots of sorts.... i should probably start sketching......#why am i having good ideas when i barely slept last night HSBWYSBWHDBHQHASSHHA#starbstalks
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JUMPING UP AND DOWN!!,,,!!,! I DREW!,!,,,!!!!,,
yo cuando mujeres sobrenaturales
#So like… I don’t know how to explain what I just did#Basically She is. Um. Benevolent shapeshifting entity#She is a giantess (ig) and she takes a stroll around the world in a constant loop#Everyone sees her differently. Everyone has a unique sight of her. No one has seen the same version of her#By the way her name IS She. I’m not motivated enough to make som up.#Anyway as I was saying uhhh yeah so#She’s basically a concept materialized into reality#She isn’t like a normal human at all. Her skin is elastic (almost like that black goop that ppl thought was solid until som time ago)#((I can’t find or remember the name of the black goop I’m talking ab. imma look so weird. But I swear it exists 😭))#(((GOOGLE ITS NOT FUCKING OOBLECK ITS WAY MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT FUCK YOU)))#Also uhh back to the main topic. She is going to be eaten alive by men#Kind of like Gulliver and the liliputians#PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IM TALKING AB ISNT NICHE AND THAT I SHOULD BE LOCKED UP 😭#I had a Lilliputian dictionary when I was a kid…#ANYWAY ughh I keep getting distracted#Honestly that’s kind of about it as of now#Also I’m debating if all of her forms should be completely naked or if they should maybe have a little clothing accessories#I’m mainly debating this bc of things such as hijabs. Burqas. Niqabs. Etc.#They should also be included in the beauty thing right? But it’d be inconsistent world building for She’s concept maybe?#She is only her liquid form. Where would she get the clothing articles? And how would they fit her gigantic size?#Well. Whatever. I can do whatever I want and bend rules however I want. If She goes fully naked or wears something it’s her choice.#There’s a lot more stuff I want to mention but it’s whatever#traditional art#Pencil art#concept art#story wip#Women
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me after editing the aau prologue for the bajillionth time
#First chapter I changed the opening bc I always thought it felt off/abrupt and wanted to have it be prince pov from the start#I wanna get in his head more ok sue me#Beyond that tho it was just some wording edits#Specifically with the internal dialogue moments I helped them flow more/feel more like thoughts#Also mj gets a bit more of their usual edge/pessimism bc the prologue they always felt a bit too “ówò sad poor smol bean” or whatever#That’s it tho chapter 4 I didn’t change bc it’s peak#Did add some teases to later things tho like snatch senses mjs soul at the end of his chap but doesn’t realize it#Or like I added the Not Now running thing in the earlier chapters bc it was more of a chapter 4 thing so I wanted 2 set it up more so boom#I think that’s all the notable edits ig like I said just description additions the only actual new thing is the opener for chap 1 👍#Also also I got to include a hc that I have that I neglected to do before but I hc a!prince used plural internal dialogue#Because lol we love dramatic irony in this house#Grace post#this reminds me tho one of these days I should look through heart strings chapter one to look for editing things#Bc I think I did that recently but I don’t remember it much tho#Mostly just when the Hat stuff starts that was the parts I never directly rewrote I just edited them so they feel out of place in my brain#Also I’d wanna edit her dialogue bc it *was* in character (after rereading her diary’s to confirm) but I wanna have her be a bit more snark#Hat is Hard bc i Need the balance of cute little kid and also smug little shit (affectionate) like she is a pain to write man cries#This is just me rambling lol ignore it I just wanted to spam aau thoughts#In other news I made shapes redesigns but I’m on the fence on posting them bc idk if I wanna spoil or not hhhhhhhhh#Nowadays I’m more chill w spoiling things than I used to be#But there are a handful of things I’ve kept shut about (ex being princes name or mjs species stuff etc)#So I’m not sure if this thing with shapes i should keep secret or just post bc I used to spoil it but idk now#Shrugs#maybe I’ll do a poll later I dunno#Ok yapping over byeeeeee
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guys i need to be dancing at a house party tipsy with someone im attracted to so bad btw. ive never been to a house party in real life (though id quite like to at least once) but i really have been desperately needing that specific (probably awful for me) sensory and social environment so bad lately
#just me rambling again#i keep looking through ao3 to try to find smth with the exact vibe im looking for but cant :(( might have to grab hold of some old or some#half made ocs and write it myself idk. or just like. find a way to experience it irl#oh btw ! tmrw night slumber party w one of my friends who ive been wanting to hang out with more + also happens to be the one i recently go#to smooch on the mouth :3333#the stated purpose is ive been trying to get her to yap at me abt her biggest fandom / interest for ages and just explain all of the lore#and story and characters to me bc ive been wantign to hear abt it from her but we just havent had a good time#and also i cannot lie i hope that i can smooch them on the mouth again! theyre such a lovely person and so very pretty#ive been meaning to tumblr tag ramble abt that for a bit and forgot anyways i have straight up told them and also one of our other friends#that if they get invited to a party ever they should please please lpeaseeeeeee see if they can invite me along#my brain has a half assed hope at maybe getting the teen party experience (most likely not oging to happen for me but it is a real life#possibly grounding for little daydream of wants) bc a somewhat popular guy the year below me (guy i fancied when i was in the play fun fact#for any loyal frog lore enjoyers) put smth on his instagram story like if i throw a bday party is anyone interested ?? with like a story#poll and obviously i picked the affirmative bc i dont know him super well but he knows a lot of ppl i know and i did a cool photoshoot with#him once idk im hoping if its a big event i have a shot at going (as aforementioned--not going to happen in real life but a man can dream)#sigh i recently made a new playlist of the weird yearning ive got going on rn and the flavor of my minds niche longings#its a good playlist#idk ive been so nothing recently im just excited that i get to see my friends this weekend i get to hang out w some of my besties tmrw#through the day too im very excited#OH ALSO omg im just throwing every single diary update i have into one post now ig but erm#ive realized recently (last week or two) that i think im finally 'over' my most recent relationship?#like im still sad abt the fact that my high school best friend.. doesnt talk to me anymore#and im still coping with all of the nightmare insecurities i have deep in my mind being proven correct within the past however many months#but like i only just registered oh hell yeah at the very least i dont have like. romantic feelings of any sort still towards her? i do#love my wonderful ex gf shes such a lovely person and for a long time was an amazing friend to me#but it feels like a weight is off of my chest i straight up was sitting in the feeling of well i'll be missing her forever and i just have#to live like this forever oh well but like. no im chilling in that regard actually we're clear.#idk ive had like nothing going on lately i work and school and i think about my feelings SOMETIMES#i try not to generally but they always get in somehow you know how it is.
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series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:
#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨#and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate#so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah.#thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou#i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh#compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol#i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help—#so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig#my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa#i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control…#b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you#tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao#so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol#but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato)#so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though#either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane#i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date…#at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration…#…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig.#oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far…#i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience.#help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m.#anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee
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oomf right honestly drawing faves and ocs like ponies is fun :3. pretty slay for a first attempt i think
#youd think i wouldve drawn a pony at least once in my life since i enjoyed mlp/equestria girls as a kid & yet... <- avoided horses artwise#honestly still very ehhhh abt how much i should share since its a game related chara from my datesim im working on >_< but hey#whatever ig. i can reblog it to the gamedev account later. or delete as well. who cares yknow#pre-game treat ig whatever still need to figure out proportions.. think i will draw more of the dateables n not post those tho#-w- maybe i should add em to my commission options. idk its kinda fun. what its like to be cringe and free ig#my art#ocs#not using anymore tags than that for the reasons listed above heh -w- but i fink he'd be a lil earth pony...#no clue as to a cutiemark yet. perhaps cooking or kindness related. let me go look at the carebears for a minute#but yea... maybe something to do with bravery or being sturdy... or heart related since his name has a valentine pun#-w- he wouldve been such good friends with fluttershy. and perhaps he would like rainbow. shes so similar to his younger sister#so i think in turn he'd view her in the same exasperated but fond vein or whatever. anyways back to the canvas for me#<- one of the few ways i regain my sanity in the midst of solodev work and commissions
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#my mom hasnt decided about driving to Toronto#i told her i need an answer#ideally now. but i feel bad bugging her#she thinks i should wait and see if prices go down#and she thinks i shouldn't spend so much money on a concert ticket#and i agree. i dont want to. i think its insane that they resell them for so much.#but its my money. and i get to decide what this concert is worth#i was telling her the prices are going up and i dont want them to turn impossible.#and she kept asking how much are they how much are they how much are they#i didn't wanna tell her bc i knew shed judge me but i did. and she did#i almost feel like she thinks she'll be doing me a favor by not helping me get there bc i wont spend the money#but she really really wouldnt be#i was hoping i could buy one for tomorrow and just go by myself and not make it her issue#but theyre more than im willing to pay for crappy seats#and she said i dont want you to go at any cost and like!!!! im not!!!!!#i hate myself for stooping low enough to accept resale prices but im not spending all of my money#and i have standards for prices for where the seats are#i made the decision to sell my vienna ticket before the shows were canceled bc i knew it was thr responsibile thing to do!!!!!#i will not drive 12 hours to toronto by myself!!!!!!#im doing it at more cost than i would like but not any cost. and id also like to not be judged for it#and also. its so important to me. and if i explain how important it is. id probably get judged for that too#idk man. she said she's gonna look some now at Toronto traveling expenses#she didn't say she would have an answer by tonight#you would think if she doesn't want me to spend a crazy amount of money she would have some urgency about answering me#ig she just doesnt wanna tell me no.#idk. idk. idk. maybe i will figure out some way to go to Toronto by myself if she says no#maybe ill buy an even more ridiculously priced ticket for tomorrow#idk. ahahhahahajahahahahah
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realized recently all the wizard ocs i have made fall into 4 categories of motivation
autism
ocd
wanting to use magic to kill people, just to be mean
inanna
#my ocs#so. i guess i should look more into ocd in order to be respectful about it#i didnt intend to include it originally but then when thinking abt characters like yiming where its like yeah hes constantly tormented#by obsessive thoughts about how he could be doing better and is usually miserable as a result#i was like this sounds kind of familiar yk. i dont want to exaggerate it or use it for angst or anything like that bc it feels extremely#tasteless lol#also dont want to portray moral ocd as like a positive productive force for obvious reasons#anyway it is kind of funny to me like what the fuck is wrong with jaime. joanna is the other person in the evil category but she was like#a prodigy with insane skill and the rest of her character stems from there#whereas jaime's character is pretty much just abusive murderous asshole. did he just believe in his own superiority that much#cant stress enough how it is very very difficult to do magic. idk maybe he was like cursed#as a child and so had familiarity with magic from a young age. to an unusual extent yk#sure whatever ig that makes sense. zeolans shield backstory written here for you all live#ok also autism category is rocio and malachi#ocd category is shamash yiming and rocio again#evil category is jaime and joanna#inanna category is inanna#angelica should also be in the inanna category tbh. i have never drawn her she died many years before the story started. shes low on the#lore iceberg lol#should rename the category to girl who is cool and swag
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a little personal project i'm slowly chipping away at, thought it would be fun to make it into a chart that i add a doodle to every time i finish a new character so i can track how i'm going with it!
by project i just mean i want an oc of each type. i'm not making a game or anything the positions listed are purely for fun HDJBFJFKE
#clai speaks#clai's ocs#ignore the doodle of cyril though that isnt final. it was part of me Trying to come up with something for him so i just scribbled whatever#its not what i want him to look like but yhe doodle was so cute i wanted to keep it. maybe i'll turn it into a different oc idk#the laguardia siblings!!! and clear's here too ig#anyone who's been written here whether they have a design or name or not have some kind of character established already#like while i have a couple concepts for a rock trainer nothing is concrete yet so that spot remains empty for now#but even though chase doesnt even have a finalized name or position i know he's a gifted psychic who just uses his powers to do art#mago and colbur are brothers and run their gym together like tate and liza. first explicitly dual type gym!#(striaton gym not counted bc you only fight one of the triplets there)#chip and cassidy are also brother and sister#corey and kalin are cousins#mago and colbur run a berry farm and cafe. cole runs a pizza parlor. polly makes jewelry out of bug-type pkmn silk and stuff#cassidy's research centers on tm/hm development. unnamed dragon trainer is a costume designer#corey is an actor so good at her job people joke that she's being possessed by her characters. kalin is a mischievous ballet dancer#chip i'm pretty happy with. he's supposed to be like a youngster that grew up and became more experienced#he used to be shy before setting out on his journey but grew immensely from it and became champion#goes back to the first town and mentors the new trainers bc he knows how scary it is to set out on a journey for the first time#hides his champion status so that the kids aren't afraid to challenge him#i didnt want to go too detailled bc it is super late HSIBFIF I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ASLEEP LIKE THREE HOURS AGO#i just really want to share these bc these concepts have just been sitting in my notes for like a year?#over a year. i started this some time after making alto#point is i've been sitting on these ideas way too long but designing them so slowly i dont want to wait to talk about them anymore#this chart is so empty rn but i will finish it!!! one day!!!!
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Note to self: Wear swim trunks next time you have to give the cat a flea bath
#i had to sit in the tub and scrub the soap in multiple times because it was much worse than we thought#the dogs' fur is far thinner than hers so theres nothing for the fleas to really be in ig?#so they were all on the cat#looks like ill have to give her a second flea bath innnnn 2 weeks maybe?#i know youre not supposed to give them frequent baths but another in 2 weeks should be okay#at least she didnt take her claws out this time#talkies
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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍
#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all#literally my soul is gone or something#i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed#which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better#alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off#like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot#like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy#moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously#but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends#i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help#idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback#kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk#it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore#but who knows 🤷♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol#that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown#like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way#and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever#and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality#plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good#but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you#but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !
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posting this wip for my own health and safety bc I haven't drawn in ages and then whipped this out and idk it just looks so nice to me. but I clearly got a little carried away and rendered her meat hand before even finishing sketching her bangs LMFAO
#also her weirdo eyeball thing turned out cool....#idk if i should keep it? its not necessarily...lore accurate ig. but it looks dope. so maybe i dont care#but that kind of weirdo eye maneuver is more of a Maverick thing (Delphine) not a Maverick thing (Dr.)#but i like it....#myart#mvrckposting#blood
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