#henchteam

[mariacallous]

Well … we finally got to 5 November. Of course, you know the story. Once upon a time, there was a bad guy who wanted to set fire to a country’s political system. Metaphorically, but also literally. I mean, he wasn’t subtle, this guy. This Guy, I should say, because his name was Guy Fawkes. Why – who did you think I was talking about?

Because time’s a great healer, Britons now celebrate the thwarting of this truly awful Guy’s insurrection with fireworks, fires and organised effigy-burning. But the good version of those things – not the kind we do when we go out of a football tournament in the later stages. We’re still working on teasing out the family fun in those particular moments.

Incidentally, before I proceed further, a word about the timing of this column, which I am writing on Tuesday morning but which will appear in the Wednesday print edition of this newspaper. That is My Struggle, assuming there isn’t a monopoly on that working title in the current news cycle. And even without those challenges of the calendar, it is impossible to know how many people out there are catching up with the Gunpowder Plot on a time lag. Furthermore, there will be long-view historians who will argue that we still don’t actually really know the ultimate knock-on results and/or fallout of it all. So if you are catching up with the whole story on tape delay, beware of spoilers that will follow. Please look away now if you want to experience the magic/horror [delete as applicable] as if in real time.

So anyway, our Guy. Not only was he a very bad hat, but he wore a very bad hat – a signature piece of headgear that simply screamed MAKE ENGLAND PAPIST AGAIN. And this Guy swore he’d overthrow the political leadership of the country by any means necessary. Blow it all up, burn it all down – this was his plot. He could really drone on about it for hours to like-minded people. Other details? He sometimes went by Guido, because nobody – NOBODY – loved Hispanics more than him, or had done more for Hispanics than him.

Anyway, the fateful day approached. Despite the highest possible stakes, some of his henchteam couldn’t quite keep their mouths shut about it all. One of them actually wrote down a semi-cryptic warning about what was coming, and sent it to a lawmaker called Lord Monteagle. I think it was done on parchment, but it could have also been a social media post on X (which back in the 17th century was known as Twitter).

Even though people will say any old thing on parchment, something about the message properly unsettled Lord Monteagle, who shared the post with King James I. As for the precise mechanics of that share, let’s assume Monteagle quote-posted it, adding a topper along the lines of: “They hath said the quiet part out loud.” Or maybe “out Loude”. My understanding is that spelling was a bit of a free-for-all at the time, and there was a lot of unnecessary capitalisation in some people’s posts.

At this point, the king had a number of options. He could have regarded engaging with the incendiary language about incendiary devices as beneath his dignity, and not at all befitting the civility politics of which he regarded himself as the perfect embodiment. He could have got a period celebrity to come out in his favour and denounce it. Which one? I don’t think James would have nailed down the composer William Byrd (he’d gone Catholic in the 1570s and might have endorsed Fawkes) – but William Shakespeare was coming off a huge box-office hit with Othello and was in development with King Lear. He’d have been ideal; people always do what playwrights say.

But in the event, the king basically responded by going: “OMG Monteagle – if someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME.” Two of his team officials were immediately dispatched to parliament.

By this stage, the Guy was in situ and well on his way to realising his plan. He was found by law enforcement down in the palace of Westminster’s cellars, with a slow match and a watch – presumably one from the Fawkes Signature Collection (advertising slogan: “Time is money so you wear a watch that matters”. There was also a pail of Diet Coke to sustain him through the night, some touchwood, and 36 barrels of gunpowder.

Despite being busted in what you’d think was a pretty open-and-shut way, I imagine that aides from Fawkes’s conspiracy scrambled to “walk back” the idea that some bad stuff was in the process of going down. Their precise words are lost to time, but no doubt they’d have wheeled out a few of the classics. “This is just Guy being Guy – you shouldn’t take him so seriously.” “It truly saddens us to see ye olde fake news media lying that he meant any harm.” “He was just dressing up as a bomb-maker to show solidarity with our great blue-collar munitions workers.” Or my personal favourite: “These barrels of gunpowder are just a metaphor.”

What a Guy. The rest is both history, and the future that liberals want. So whichever stage of the great timeline we’re at by the time you read this, I suppose we have to at least consider that one day, people will simply enjoy some kind of jolly annual commemoration of whatever it was that happened. In the meantime, I desperately hope Guy Fawkes day is/was everything you wished it to be.

[joeyhazell-art]

It was an eventual evening. 

 insta | twitter | kofi

[asoue-sideblog]

In book canon, Duncan and Isadora were kidnapped by the troupe for a long time - weeks, maybe a month or more. And for all that time Duncan (if not Isadora) was listening to them and taking notes on them. So I imagine that Duncan and Isadora actually know the henchteam by name. Which - wouldn’t they just use those names, then? It’s not a respect or familiarity thing, it’s just that those are... their names. Just like how the Baudelaires refer to Hugo, Kevin, and Colette by name.

So at one point after canon they’re talking to each other about, IDK, about how much they fucking hate “Jeff”, and this happens...

Quigley: What did Jeff do that’s so awful, anyway? Isadora: Is that supposed to be funny? He helped kidnap us and hold us prisoner. Duncan: He’s the bald man with a long nose in Olaf’s troupe. Quigley: What? What bald man? I thought Jeff was one of your classmates at Prufrock.

Also later this happens Duncan: One time Doris offered me a cigarette, and then called me a bitch when I turned her down. The sad thing is, I think she was actually trying to be friendly. Quigley: Is that one of the white-faced women? Duncan: No, Doris was one of our classmates.

And later Quigley: So what were the names of those other folks? The hunchback and the man with the really good mustache and that other lady? Isadora: ...Who? Duncan: You mean Esmé? Quigley: No! You’ve seen how Esmé dresses. She is not a woman you would identify as “that other lady”.

[tickledink-blog]

7/17/2198

I want to become a super villain. Not for world domination but to rob weird stuff like Gold Bullion, Microfiche, Giant Diamonds, Micro Chips and Bonds. I want henchmen and henchwomen. I will be such a cool super villain to work for.

I want a Ninja.

I want a beautiful but bad ass German Lady.

I would like black twins loaded with muscles and ammo belts and guns…

No, not Twins, TRIPLETS!.

Black Triplets ! Ready to go, Ready to just crush.

I need a Computer Nerd. I want a Cowboy. An American Indian and a India Indian ! So you see a lot of different kinds of people ready to just do anything to implement my evil plan.

Although, I will be taking money when I become a super villain I am going to become super wealthy through very hard work. You are going to despise me for all the super evil the "Henchteam Squad" and I are going to do to the Earth and the Moon. You are also going to be in awe of the stuff we do. I’m hoping for a love hate relationship. I'd be cool with that.

[joeyhazell-art]

A bit late, but these prompt things aren’t just limited to the 14th right?

I saw a couple of different kiss-prompt lists going around for Feb and I thought that would be the perfect excuse to draw my henchboyfriend ocs a million times! I took inpso from 2 lists, the @ockissweek​ 's #ockiss22 prompt list, and Violettenouvel's Kiss Art February “mood/places” month challenge! 

 In order I used-

 Hien & her daughter- Greeting & Chaste/Cheek

 B & E - Excitment & Denied/Hair 

Thatch & Memo- Bold & Anything/Anywhere

 Aaron & Benji- Tender & Shy/Shoulder 

 (And under the cut we have-  [REDACTED] - Secret & Farewell/Hand ☢🌞👀)

insta | twitter | kofi

[joeyhazell-art]

They’re watching drag race.

stealing jokes just helps me get the vibes of this comic thing

insta | twitter | kofi

Aaron: ...Hello people who do not live here.

Memo / Bea / E: Hi! ‘Sup. Hey~

Benji: Bea, I gave you that key for emergencies...

Bea: We were out of doritos.

E (offscreen): And she didn’t renew our netflix.

[joeyhazell-art]

Aaron and Benji aren’t the only henchguys working for Dr. Apocalypse of course, so let’s meet the rest of the team!

 B & E are a chaotic duo of ex-somethings, but they’re effiecient so they keep getting teamed up together

-Memo is the newbie still trying to figure out this “bad guy” thing 

 Hien may be a single parent but she’s not the team mom… 

because Thatch fills that role. He’s also keeping an eye out for Memo

Aaand a lineup of them all, together they’ll accomplish…! …something maybe.

[asoue-sideblog]

I forgot that The Slippery Slope is so funny. Esme and the henchteam absolutely kill it in this book.

Fernald saying he was almost glad Duncan and Isadora escaped because they wouldn’t stop complaining about being kidnapped

“I hear that babies can creep up and steal your breath while you’re sleeping” Fernald oh my god

the dental floss conversation

having hooks is better than having two equally strong hands which is better than having an extremely white face that you intentionally apply to yourself with makeup every morning

of course it’s not safe to eat raw toast

“The baby would probably steal all the cigarettes for herself”

“Do we look like the sort of people who would burn down houses?” Esme asks WHILE WEARING A GIANT BONFIRE DRESS

[asoue-sideblog]

Lemony’s narration gets off some really funny burns at the expense of Olaf, his troupe, and Carmelita’s hygiene (as far as I recall he doesn’t talk any smack about Esme in that regard, which... adds up in my opinion). It’s great. And there’s definitely supposed to be a lot of deliberate, disrespectful messiness - like Olaf blowing his nose on Monty’s curtains or all of Olaf’s hilarious lines about how he prepared for a special day by actually washing his face.

The sad thing is, though... I’m pretty sure in like half the books, all the kids are probably almost as gross as Olaf. If the troupe isn’t bathing they’re not gonna let their kidnapped prisoners bathe. And when would the Baudelaires have gotten a chance to bathe after escaping from jail in The Vile Village? Probably not until their first night at the carnival, but even then they couldn’t get too clean because the dirt was part of their disguises, and they changed into Olaf’s nasty spare clothes rather than actual clean, fresh outfits. Those poor children. During the events of The Slippery Slope, Klaus and Violet should look as nasty and wrung-out as Aragorn climbing out of that river in The Two Towers. (They probably won’t, though, and that is not a criticism of the show. It’s not a gritty adventure series and I have no complaints about the costuming. there’s so many amazing #looks oh my god)

[asoue-sideblog]

What the hell is up with the stuff the troupe has in the trunk of their car during The Slippery Slope? Why are they driving around with fresh produce and unground coffee beans? I imagined them all living off trunk wine and potato chips.