#help me i miss you guys so much
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I saw your recent post regarding fnaf merch ideas and I whipped up these concept sketches as quickly as I could! (In between the 10 billion interruptions)
I thought of these for double sided keychains. Feel free to use the idea if they spark inspo, or don't, I just thought they'd be neat (note, these are rushed doodles)
THIS IS SO COOL TYSMM!! 💜💜
#ask reply#fanart#YOU DONT even know how helpful this is!!#I can’t believe I almost missed it#I had a pretty good idea of what charms I wanted to make and how they look#but these help a ton to confirm my own ideas of which direction to go#DIDNT NEED TO do this but means so much that you did 😭💗💗#I love this TYSM for thr suggestions!#you guys are too good to me fr fr!
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Enstars sure is an experience. Did I miss anything?
#are you guys all okay? i definitely am not okay#this is not the type of media that i usually go for yet it is EXACTLY the type of media that i would like#so many gaps so many stories WAY TOO MUCH READING I DONT HAVE THE TIME#i know i missed a lot because ive only watched the anime and read the main music story up to ch 4 of the second part#and i have read some events stories that were free#and maybe one or two outside from translations#but like thats it#this is like reading orv and getting hit with its deep metas on human life and the importance of stories#but instead im being clobbered by the most deranged storylines known to man (and again. i read ORV and am a bsd fan)#this isnt fantasy but there is nothing realistic about enstars and i unfortunately am attached#every day i spiral into east asian media that gives me an aneurysm#bsd -> orv -> link click -> enstars....i wanna say they keep getting more unhinged but theyre all unhinged in different ways#anyway please help me....#enstars#ensemble stars#fandom spamdom#stuff i say#i will admit i am mostly into the game for the stories#a consistent gamer i am not#but to unlock the stories ill push back the animes i have to catch up on etc etc#again. please help me....#edit: updated to remove queerbaiting because apparently i dont know whats going on
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idk if I've said it before, but your portrayals of both Rouxls and Queen are among my favorites, and the way they are when you combine the two is the sole thing that got me to say "yes" to queenkaard. When I first saw it in the game and it started catching on as a ship, I was like "nooo I hc him as gay," but then after seeing your stuff I was like "oh nvm I totally see this now."
i think hearing "i didn't see this ship before, but after your art i understand it and/or even ship it myself" is one of the nicest compliments i get, because it makes me feel like i'm representing something meaningful and sweet about a pairing and having people understand what i think is so great and captivating about them. i've gotten a couple asks like this and sometimes i forget to respond but i always really appreciate them :) thank you very much
#ask#deltarune#queenkaard#rouxls kaard#queen#art#doodles#conkreetmonkey#i mean its fine to draw ship art Just Cuz dgmw but i have Paragraphs of reasons why i like All my ships and it feels really good when i can#help people see the reasons why i think characters are cute together and why they'd work#i love feeling like im Doing something with my art. expressing something. explaining something. makes it feel meaningful#esp when i thought queenkaard was very Out There at first dhbsdjbhf i was like 'dude theres only gonna be me and 2 other people#who ship this'. and there was at first. now people dont think its a rarepair. i built this city goddammit. me and like 2 other people 😭#and im only half joking. i drew them so much because nobody else was. its still a rarepair to me. the fanart and fanfics are still#kind of sparse besides me tbh. but a LOT of people say 'i ship it because of cozy' and that makes me happy#there Are a couple fanfics on ao3 i havent gotten to yet only bc ive been tizzy about the gay car this year but i will read them eventually#anyway i still really love queenkaard i miss the blue people i cant wait to draw them more once the new chapters release aaaaaa#also since i mentioned i dont always respond to asks: i still read each and every single one of them#im sorry if anyone ever sends me something and i didnt post it. sometimes i go on ask-reply sprees and sometimes it just gets#answered months later dhbdsbjf. but please dont ever think i dont care about what you have to say i love hearing from you guys#and sometimes i just Forgor because adhd go brrt
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We should talk more about the fact Jason got swarmed and attacked by a mob as Robin, like??? Hello. He had to be left there because the mob was too violent with Batman near. He had to be taken to the hospital.
Look at those injuries!!
The next time we see him he's forcing himself out of bed and putting on the Robin costume thinking "I've gotta do what I can to help, even if it kills me!"
The next next time we see him he has walked into yet another violent mob
I cannot stop thinking about this story and the effects it probably had on him honestly. Do you think it's made him nervous in crowds, do you think it made him trust others just that bit less. How long do you think he was being attacked before he was found, the scene had cleared. "I've gotta do what I can to help, even if it kills me!",,,,
Just the concept itself! I don't know about you guys but being attacked and grabbed and trampled into unconsciousness sounds absolutely terrifying! Did he black out, still getting hit, thinking he was going to die? Knowing he couldn't defend himself as his injuries to took their toll? At their complete mercy?
1986-87 Legends, issue #2 (the attack), #3 (the hospital), #5 (getting up), #6 (defending heros from another forming mob)
2010 DC Universe: Legacies, issue #6 (flashback panel to Legends moment)
#jason todd#jaybin#jason todd robin#comic reference#we need to talk about and acknowledge this so much more its such a fun bit of information n backstory#and i honestly think its a REALLY IMPORTANT jaybin moment. both for him and readers#batman#dc comics#i never see anyone talk about it which is such a shame honestly#fairly confident this is post crisis jaybin. but of course we are in the evil gray area of actually post crisis - before new backstory#but gonna be honest with you guys here i and actual dc writers take from precrisis jaybin alot anyway because he IS still jason#and adds more original comic time for jason#as long at its not like blatantly contradictory i keep a rather lot of his things#and again we are in the grey area of it#plus he calls himself the new robin in the hospital scene so that probably means something#and none of it at all matters anyway because when it comes to comics you do what you want for forever. thumbs up emoji#this is still important anyway. the “ive gotta help even if it kills me!” haunts me#dare i say i wish we talked more about jaybin time in general. like. the stories from it#all i usually hear is ditf and him pushing or not pushing that guy. its a shame i think jaybin has some really fun stories#i think (i think) scarecrow and mad hatter were rogues he faced the most. DEFINITELY scarecrow#two face too if im counting the mad hatter. +plus importance bc twoface he thought killed his dad#he lets himself be kidnapped by two face saying hes the SECOND robin and then insults the guys car#he dresses up as two face once#he saw scarecrow making highly concentrated fear toxin and dumped it on him 😭#sherlock holmes was in a story at some point#its so fun. augh i need to reread jaybin so so bad its so fun i miss it
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asdfghjkl I love your writing. Your Sanji & reader have my heart forreal 🫶🏼✨ keep up the great work 😘
Suggestion: reader having a niche hobby (like knitting/crocheting, or collecting shells, anything really LOL 😆 your choice) and Sanji’s reaction to that
you are soooo sweet thank you!! this request/suggestion was so cute, i loved it.
when i read "collecting shells" i immediately knew what i wanted to write for it and this is how i think go fish!Sanji would react to reader collecting sea shells as a niche hobby:
masterlist
When you had started collecting shells, it didn't start out as a hobby, far from it in fact. You didn't even know collecting sea shells was considered a hobby until Luffy pointed it out to you.
"Oh, wow! You collect shells y/n? How cool!" Luffy gushed with his signature bright smile that lit up his face. That's one of the things you loved about Luffy, he had the ability to make any rudimentary task seem like the most special thing ever. "What a cool hobby!"
And that was when your shell-collecting hobby was born. At first, you had just wanted a souvenir of some sort, just wanting a small piece of each island you visited so you could look back at your collection one day and remember all of the places you've ever been to.
It was something very special to you. So imagine how you felt when you nearly forgot to grab a shell one day, during a routine island pit stop to restock the ship's supplies, when the weather suddenly took a turn for the worst just as the straw-hat crew was making their way towards the ship.
You liked to grab a shell right before you left. Usually, you had your routine: you would go to the closest beach to where the Going Merry was docked at, take a moment to survey the assortment of shells scattered along the beach, and pick out the shell that most reflected your either long or short time on the island. You loved it.
But during that particular trip, your shell-collecting routine didn't go as planned and you nearly had a heart attack at the thought of missing a shell.
The weather had suddenly turned for the worst as you and the crew were walking back towards the Merry. All of a sudden, it started to downpour so everyone decided to run back to the ship as fast as they could before all of the ship's supplies got ruined (well, everyone except for Zoro, who was already back on the ship with his stuff, not wanting to stick around on any island longer than he had to).
As you all were running up the plank to board the ship one by one, Luffy suddenly called out to you from the dock as you tailed behind Nami with Sanji right behind you.
"Wait! Y/n!" he called out and you stopped at the top of the plank to look back at him through the rain. "What about your sea shell? Don't forget to go and grab one!"
You gasped and your eyes widened. Your heart nearly dropped at the thought of forgetting to grab a shell and in turn, forgetting all about your visit to this island. "My shell!"
"Your what?" Sanji asked loudly over the rain, next to you.
You quickly dropped your crate of supplies on the ship's deck, not caring anymore if they got wet or not. "I have to go get my sea shell!" you replied quickly, running past him and back to the dock.
"Don't worry, y/n, we will be waiting right here for you!" Luffy reassured with a nod. "Now go get your shell!" he yelled and raised his fist in the air.
You gave him a grateful smile as you dashed towards the nearest beach, Sanji watching you go with a curious look in his eye before bringing your supply crate inside and out of the rain.
That night, as Sanji was cleaning up the kitchen, you were still at the table finishing up the warm soup he had made that night for dinner (he loved that you were a slow eater, it meant that most nights he got to spend a little bit of extra alone time with you in his favorite place), he asked you about your niche hobby.
"Feeling better now?" Sanji asked, breaking the comfortable silence as he cleaned off one of his knives with a rag, sneaking a look at you with a small smile. "All warmed up from being out in the rain too long?"
You hummed in agreement. "Absolutely," you nearly purred in delight (Sanji felt his heartbeat stutter for a second at your tone. He's never heard you like that before). You looked at the chef with gratitude. "Your food always hits the spot Sanji, but the soup you made tonight just hit differently. It warmed me right up."
"Ok good," Sanji laughed softly, looking at you for a few seconds through his blonde hair, and flicked it to the side slightly. "I can't have you getting sick on me now." He finished cleaning off the one knife, setting it down on the counter, picking up another to clean before he asked with a raised brow, "So, uh, why did you go back today? Something about a sea shell?"
And that's how he learned about your niche hobby.
You told him all about it; about how you wanted a small token from everywhere you've ever been, how long you've been doing it, described some of your favorite sea shells you've found so far, and how you couldn't wait to show your collection to your kids and grandkids someday and in turn, telling them all about your adventures with the straw hat pirates.
As Sanji listened to you explain your hobby to him, he couldn't help but smile to himself, stealing glances at you every so often. He loved listening to you talk about the things you were passionate about. He loved the way your face lit up and your eyes sparkled.
And for something as unique and special as this? He loved it even more because he knew that this little hobby of yours went way beyond just collecting shells, it was your own way of physically manifesting your hopes and dreams. Each shell you acquired was another story you would tell your future kids about. You were sharing a part of your soul with him, and Sanji was completely enamored.
From that night forward, Sanji had decided that he too would start a sea shell collection of his own, without you knowing, so that someday in the future, he could surprise you and your kids with it, with the beautiful sea shells he had secretly collected right alongside you, his future wife, the whole time.
He couldn't wait to see the look on your face someday.
taglist: @mischiefmanaged71 @smolracoon25 @smol-book-nerd @shuujin @amanda08319 @nimtano @your-platonic-gay-lover @lovelymrvl @whiskeypowder
#OK SO i'm working on the jealous! oneshot i promise!#but i needed something else short and sweet to bang out in the meantime#and this lil blurb request just became so much more sentimental than anyone would think#but!#i just couldn't help myself LOL#i hope i did your request justice anon#thank you for baring with me#you guys are the best#i hope i didn't miss anyone in the taglist i'm sorry!#your requests give me life#asks#requests#blurbs#go fish! au#sanji x reader#opla!sanji x reader
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"And soda; runs off into the street..." "...and soda... is totally okay!"
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#cw blood#something something cracking open a boy w the cold ones#IF THERE ARE ANY MISTAKES I MISSED I SWWWEAR TO JEBEDIAH. IF I STARE AT THIS ANYMORE IM GONNA DIE IT NEEDS TO BE DONE#ALSO RRRAAAHAHHHGHGH CAN I JUST TAKEA SECOND TO SCREEAAMM ABT HOW MUCH I LOVE SODA AND EMIZEL.. LIKE THERYE SO CUTE....#THEY ARE HOMIES THAT KISS EACHOTHR GOODNIGHT. THEY CARE SO MUCH FOR EACHOTHER. SODA LOVES SODA AND SODA LOVES YOU#do u guys remember how willing he was to share blood w his vampire bestie. like cmon. remember when emizel memorized sodas Soda Schedule.#LIKE CMON.... they just have eachothers backs so much. ouhhh my god... ANYWAY SO THE ART HUH. I FEEL LIKE I SCRAMBLED W IT FOR A WHILE#DRAWIN IS HARD..... i think i did well in the end tho.. i like the lil heart beat effects. and i hope i made soda look Suffieciently Scared#i ALSO had fun w the teeth. i however did not have fun w the walls. if i had more drugs i mightve done every brick in more detail#but i didnt WANNA!!!! this will suffice.I HOPE IT FLOWS WELL&THAT ITS CLEAR... IVE STARED AT IT SO LONG IT IS NOW VISUAL SOUP. HELP!!!#i want my comics to have more Pauses and Space and Thought and Momence. i feel like normally they go so fast. but THIS time#i think i did good.... huuoouhhhh.... comics are HARD art is HARD but i am HARDER. or something. OH YEAH I HAVE MORE ART THINGS#soda was RLY HARD FOR ME TO DRAW FOR A MINUTE..but i like where his design is now. i wanted his hair to be curly swirly.like soda fizz#i THINK thats all my thoughts for now. if u have thoughts u should spill them in the tags i looooove reading tttaaggsss#have a goodnight i gotta go to work soon. maybe. unless the casinos power goes out AGAIN. OR SEOMTHING... UUGHHH MY SCHEDULE IS IN SHAMBLES#I THOUGHT I WAS WORKIN 3 DAYS INA ROW SO I RENTED A WHOLE DAMN HOTEL BC THE JOB PLACE IS FAR AWAY.. I HAD TO CANCEL THE WHOLE RESERVATOn#annd im MMMMAD ABOUT IT!!! like ill get over it ofc BUT IM PEEVED!!!! IM INCONVIENIENCED AND GENTLY AGGRIVATED. BUT OVERALL FINE.#hope yalls weekend goes well. sleep well. if u get the chance to.
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OC !
#my characters#i missed her so much wowee#her name is katale and thats what she goes by EXCEPT her best friend (and ex boyfriend and boss) who gets to call her kitty#hes just like the all around best guy in her life and she loves him a whole lot#and even though they broke up they have a very loving friendship and shes like#oh i would absolutely kill for him and in fact i am VERY good at killing im honing my skills :3#and her family is actually just a bunch of criminals and the only reason the other guy gets involved#is bc he needs fast money to help his mom with hospital bills and so hes like hey my mom doesnt need to know how shes alive#and then he somehow becomes head honcho and is a rumored to be ruthless man#but hes just incredibly level headed and able to think his way up (and kills a few unpleasant family members for kitty)#and if shes running out and about you can even hear him say shit like#my wife left me i miss my wife#and everyone knows he means katale but no one knows how to react bc its clearly a joke (???) since they broke up#but no one is telling their boss to elaborate the wife situation#kitty however is the entire reason that she gets this lil puppy of an agent to not kill rudyard her dear boss#and somehow they adopt this grown man and also his really weird mentor who faked their death#but they love their puppy son boy agent man#and kitty is super happy to dote on the agent but even she has her lines like WHY DID YOU JUST HAND HIM A GUN#RUDYARD HE TRIED TO KILL YOU LIKE LAST MONTH WHAT ARE YOU DOING#and rudyard is just ??? can i NOT shove a gun into his hands now? what is that? a crime? really? gonna tell on me? a criminal? for crimes?#but genuinely it stresses her out bc she loves her adopted son but loves her best friend and eventually she realizes#ok puppy agent man is loyal to them but not a criminal thats ok#while rudyard is like ... passing him guns to try out as a bonding thing#but also he is fascinated with how good the agents aim is like hey kitty you should watch how far he can shoot perfectly#hey kitty remember all those dead underlings and how precise their kills were to make them not suffer this guy is really good#also for what its worth ruds mom is still alive! shes just in a nursing home now and he goes to visit her#kitty and rudyard have such a fun dynamic to me and both are murderers but its okay (its not)#also kitty likes anime and she has forced rud to watch anime with her and he just accepts his fate#bc it makes kitty happy to share so he will watch to make her happy even if he doesnt understand all the appeal
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i opened tumblr during lunch and the first thing i saw was peter parker britney spears. two of my friends stared at my phone and audibly went “oh” thank you for the blessing
i've had so many people tell me "sci. the only thing i know about you is spider-man and britney spears". and i think that's all there is. you're welcome.
#sci speaks#sighs. i miss my old workplace. those guys were so fun. i miss playing britney in the office all day every day.#i was myself. so unapologetically. sighs. siiiighs.#this new job is killing me. i need to find a way to be more aggressively myself but i don't have the energy.#the job exhausts me so much. or maybe it's my biology that's doing it.#whatever it is something is fucking WRONG !!#i think working in a big company you kind of have to lose yourself a little. just because there are so many people.#like you don't know those people. you just don't know all those people. you could never hope to know all those people.#but in my old place i knew everyone and they knew ME! knew all my sexy nonsense. it felt like home. kick off my shoes.#sighs. what do you do sci. what do you do.#i don't think if i moved company it would help. it might get worse.
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Still swingin' 🌻😎
✨My links✨
#Check out my OF (in my links) for this full set unsensored and for a little tour of my toy box!!#Also any support in the form of reblogs... tips.. treats... Etc you could give me right now would be endlessly appreciated 🥺i miss my blog#Satans knitwear#Alt pinup#Pinup girl#I hope this week treats you deliciously my loves!!#Im traveling to see my besties on friday and i am SO NERVOUS but cant wait to be reunited at last#Train tickets cost so much money omg. But its gonna be worth it. I might get you guys to help me pick out some outfits#Gotta be hotter than hell for my girls#Strappy lingerie#Pretty lingerie#Harness lingerie#Stockings and suspenders#Pasties#Tassles
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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There are only two episodes left in The Boys S4, but having seen the leaks and with what we got, I have some opinions.
My conspiracy theory is that they got too many cooks in the kitchen (writers in the writer’s room)—plus the writer’s strike and pandemic happening during this time—and it’s starting to make sense how they dropped the ball with this season.
#the boys#the boys tv#the boys amazon#the boys season 4#the boys season four#S1-3 is like a sharp honed blade (with occasional misses) whereas S4 swings a lot but misses their target#I like a handful of things (Antony Starr and Karl Urban are CARRYING the season for me)#God; Antony’s back must hurt from carrying the show so hard (give the man an Emmy)#but there are so many more moments in the show that falls flat for me#my interest in the secondary cast is virtually nonexistent (and this is coming from a person who likes them all)#I do not care about Joe; I do not care about the Frenchie & Colin B-plot; I do not care about Annie’s randomly thrown in abortion (???)#there’s a lotta wasted character moments and unnecessary fluff they should’ve cut out to laser focus in on the main plot#the character moments do not hit as hard as the writers hoped they did (it feels like they just threw random darts & hoped they hit)#this season feels like a waste of time :/ which is unfortunate#I like edgy dark humor & satire as the next guy—but it’s gotta advance the plot or be used for a purpose other than shock value#it doesn’t help that you get the sense a couple script decisions is a result of Kripke wanting to work with ppl he wants to work with again#which—fair enough; it’s his show—he can do whatever he wants#but I get a weird feeling when he throws in celebrity cameos & their B-plots instead laserfocusing on the main characters#I hope they tighten the story in the final season 5#they focused too much on the wrong things and not on the right things (seriously?? not showing Butcher taking the V??? making it offscreen?)#and the tentacles instead of making Butcher’s powers ironically parallel the very man he hates :/#the obvious Venom symbiote parody is not as funny or cool as you think it is (when you had a VERY cool premise before)
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me trying to comprehend the Late Stage Batman Pre-New 52 Saga (ressurection of ra’s al ghul black glove batman rip final crisis batman reborn red robin b&r 2009 batgirl 2009 return of bruce wayne)
#HELP. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME#trying to reread All Of That before I start my longfic. but oh god#there’s SO MUCH and it ALL HAPPENED AT ONCE and it’s all crazy crossover shit so#trying to find accurate complete reading guides is HELLLLL IM IN HELL#��where did that character go?? what have they been doing? oh wait shit I missed something I must have read something out of order.#oh yeah I forgot I have to go back to read these issues from that other series. WHERE DID TIM GO? oh yeah. WHERE DID TALIA GO?#IS BRUCE DEAD AT THIS POINT OR ISNT HE? oh forgot about steph. oh forgot about jason. WTF IS GOING ONNNN’#anyway I’m having a great time<3#what the FUCK was final crisis you guys#trying to keep track of batman. detective comics. nightwing. robin. battle for the cowl. red robin. batman and robin. batgirl.#THERES SO MUCH GOD.#GET ME OUT OF HEREEEE I MISS YOU FLASH COMICS..
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#GUYS!!!#I made it to a year of no contact!!!! :’)#are you proud of me?!#holy shit does it feel good#still miss him but I deserve so much better#and I want better#I went out and had a drink with my friend#having girl friends that are so genuine and supportive has helped me a lot through this#and ofc my one bestie on here that I can turn to for anything 🥹#I’m sappy and emotional rn#but happy that I made it this far#last year at this time I was so heartbroken and couldn’t stop crying#a year later I feel so much lighter and better
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I don't hate my job or anything, but man, being a float educator is so fucking thankless
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Hey guys!
I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately. It’s not fair to people I care very much about to be silent! The long story short is that life hits you very fast and all at once sometimes on many levels, and my unfortunate tendency in hectic mode is to shut out and focus on just getting to the next day. It’s no excuse, of course, but I do hope you understand—and I hope you all are hanging in there as well.
I’m not sure when I can return to writing again, but I hope to. It always seems like I’m waiting to have some time and energy, but I think I’m just going to have to intentionally build a block for the creative things important to me among everything. Even if I’m not publishing anything, I am always thinking about it in one part of my mind. I love those stories, and I’m so glad to share them with you.
Thank you to anyone who was checking in! I love you all always, even if I don’t have the words to reply—and I’m always going to try to better show that.
Tl;dr below the cut: details of life been going on.
:read more:
Thanks for being curious! I’ll try to be as brief as I can, but I have traditionally failed at every attempt at that in these posts. To be honest, the past year or two has been a bit of a blur, so I’ll just talk in generalities rather than a specific timeline.
Everything at work changed at the organizational level. Unfortunately I can’t say much about it—for personal reasons, which I know is odd to say. My work is mixed in with family ties, justices and beliefs I advocate for, etc, so I can’t talk too much about it—but boy is that lasagna layered. That dynamic alone is both a hugely important but often very stressful to navigate in of itself.
Among the organizational change, my position drastically changed—I went from clinician to a manager of the sizeable department I worked for—and then a couple months later inherited a second, nearly double the size department to manage on top of it when my fellow manager left.
Right as my position was changing for the first time, my dad—living states away—got sick with some still undiagnosed illness. Bizarre body movements, signs of a stroke but no evidence found—not Parkinson’s, though the symptoms seem somewhere between it and a slow rolling dementia. If you’d like to read a small loving rant about my dad: My father is the most wonderful, kindest, politest, humblest human who is also a literal unrecognized hero twice over—he dedicated his entire life his two jobs. One was his role as an assistant Harbormaster—not infrequently rescuing people, lost in dark seas in the dead winter nights (among much grimmer tales)—a job which got paid pennies for, with decades-old resources and, if he was lucky, his name might be pages deep in the local paper. The second job was as a teacher in the worst school in the city next door—and he taught the “behavioral needs” kids. He was stabbed multiple times—the final time was in the stomach, shortly after he had come back from his leave after battling prostate cancer. He understood the kids were sick, or needed help. In addition to being a great teacher (I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but my dad often help walk us through homework to ensure we knew it—requested or not), my dad would take his students to different places— the beach for a wildlife lesson, or the local laser tag place just for fun they often couldn’t afford)—on his own dime. He tried to give them an education about the world and life, and not just books they had given up trying to read. Jeeze, sorry, I need to be able to do a cut under this cut. I could go on for days.
After that attack, my dad has had much random issues, landing him in the hospital and my family in crisis mode one time after another. We find (but never confirm) that the neurological attack might be from an infection in his knee—a botched or failing knee replacement (his third—standing on a choppy boat or at a chalkboard all day is murder on your knees). The infection has spread terribly. We nearly lose him. He continues to show cognitive decline. He improves. He gets pneumonia, we nearly lose him again. He comes back to us for a while. A random night a few weeks later, the mesh in his stomach from his prostate cancer a decade ago has failed and is suddenly twisted around his intestine (they guess related to the coughing/pneumonia). We nearly lose him again. He survives. He needs a knee replacement surgery now, but they don’t know if he can handle it or the risk of infection. He survives. Theyve noticed something wrong with his heart. He has heart surgery, survives. Another heart surgery, survives again. All the while continuing to cognitively decline. He’s a brilliant man—it’s heartbreaking to see, but I know he’s still in there all the while.
I know I missed some things above. As all of this is going on, I’m flying back and forth between states, trying to manage two departments that were previously handled by two incredibly competent, incredibly busy people that is now just me. The work is important, there’s pressures of family legacy involved, it’s nonprofit and clinical and complex and often dealing with very serious physical, mental health, ethical or even legal matters.
And, of course, trying to balance the normal things of life—making time for friends and family, trying to maintain (and sustain) my home, dating and now maintaining a beloved partnership… These things are also important. And then my parents were here for just the summer, so I’m trying to spend each moment I can stand to spare with them, in that horrid phase where it’s in your face of how little time may be left. And of course, there are the other things—other loved ones lost, trying to do what you can and pay attention to the important things in the world, trying to enjoy sitting holding my cat’s paw while marathoning YouTube and a phone game after a long day at work.
Again, I hope to be back to things someday. In my free time I write snippets, dream scenarios. I miss the writing—and the people—and it’s hard to find a pinhole to carve out for any time for myself. I’m trying, I’m trying, and I love you all.
Hope to talk more soon.
#ooc#personal update#I love my dad a lot#the stories I could tell alone about our adventures#the other Harbormasters (all sweet old fishermen type guys) would call me the little assistant Harbormaster because#when my dad and I would go for a drive almost always something would happen-#he spotted that the boatyard was on fire and i helped him use these massive bolt cutters to get in#or when we were on the beach when there was a radio on a missing boater—and I found him! through his second (of four) pair of binoculars he#kept at all times in his car (along with the boltcutters)#I know it sounds like a badly written nautical magnum PI episode but there are SO many stories. they made dad feel like a true adventurer#he always brought a lot of humor to it—I think as a way to try to make it less scary—but he always took it seriously at the same time.#calm but direct and concise with instruction#and then a joke—especially if someone was panicking. I only saw a small part of it—but I treasure every adventure we’ve ever had#I’m still trying to have adventures with him now#even if they have to be much smaller now#love you and miss you all#sorry I suck
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there's cliche's and then there's intentionally leaving a piece vague but it still having meaning and assuming your audience isn't stupid so they can come to their own conclusions about how the piece makes them feel based on visual language
#that's what we did in art school#when you actually have to do shows and tell people in person your artist's statement#I like seeing how people feel and react to my work rather than care about the style or aesthetic or tropes used#it's the /meaning/ of the piece and I love how even though my experience is specific#it still feels relatable to others#in that moment where people go wow or that's so cool like#i had a guy run up to me once just because he bloboed a work of art I made#i love that shit#i miss shows but eugh pandemic :(#jackal's journal#my art historian would have a fit rn#her whole thing is Pompeii and she showed us how much enjoying and relating to things you love or find neat helps inspire you more#than worrying about how other people feel about you#like damn
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