#hello i am finally making a normal pinned post

[mychlapci]

welcome to my tub of cum. please be weird about transformers.

minors should not follow me. seriously, this is a transformers birth fetish blog. if u have any age below 18 in your bio i will assume you don't actually mean to interact with a nsfw blog and block u.

asks are sometimes closed during the day, but they'll re-open in a few hours. if the ask button says "Just Chatting" it means we're open to chat, but keep your horny asks scarce.

ko-fi

twitter

AO3

tags, for filtering purposes:

#transformátori (general transformers tag) (terrible inside joke)

#valveplug (for the transformers sexy stuff)

#nasty (for other sexy stuff) (mostly gravity falls nsfw. if you wish to look for old gf stuff from before the purge, you're welcome to go through the tag)

#texty (new tag. for long asks, if you don’t want ’em randomly clogging your dash)

#boobdayforever (valveplug tag specifically for talking about robot titties)

#robotitties is for the reblogged art

#omo #unsanitary #wasteplay (for the piss stuff) for more visit @unsanitarystation

mostly standard trigger tags for kinks (like #gore/#robogore #noncon #dubcon #pregnancy mention #birth mention #free use #merformers #incest kink etc. I try to tag but sometimes i miss things. you can always remind me) & #placenta talk #abortion talk #prolapse evening are a few honorary mentions

joke nsfw text is not tagged.

food is not tagged. i post breakfast pictures a lot.

[that-one-anxious-mango]

You + Me = US (1)

Summary: After a shocking discovery is made that you decide to keep to yourself out of fear..you realize your secrecy may be doing more harm than good.

Content: BIG ANGST. Reader feeling sad and conflicted. Appearance of a friend. Argument and Tension between Austin and reader. Tense and sad Austin. Just all around Angst. 

A/N: Hello Beautiful humans! I hope you’re all well. I know this is something I hadn’t planned out putting out so soon. But seeing as ya’ll wanted the first part of the juicy angsty story I mentioned so bad..this is it. I hope you all enjoy because..yeah. Much love. *hugs*

P.S Please Always feel free to comment, reblog, and send me letters about the fic and anything else pertaining to the series!  And also let me know to be added to the taglist! 🏷️

Taglist: @purejasmine , @wacoshuffle

---

So here you were.

One Bathroom Counter

Six tests.

Twelve brightly positive lines.

One Shocked Alana

And one terrified you.

The room was so silent you could have heard a pin drop.

You almost couldn't believe it.

You were pregnant and scared shitless.

Immediately you’d burst into tears while Alana who usually wasn’t one for traditional methods of comfort..did her best.  

From there a hour crying session began until you got the strength to talk.

" Alana what am I gonna do. This isn’t suppose to be happening right now. Not n-now." You sniffled out hanging on to your friend tighter.

This was bad..no scratch that...it was terrible timing.

You had just finally broken some ground at work and was finally feeling like your contributions were being used. Austin was riding the high of Elvis and had also just finished filming Dune part 2. Not to mention you'd only gotten engaged not even three months ago and hadn't been in the new condo two good months...which you'd been literally going at it like rabbits in.

But still, everything was flowing just the way it needed to flow, and something like this was certain to disrupt it.

" You're gonna have to do what you need to do, babes. No matter what you need to take care of you first above all else." Alana offered.

Looking at her with red eyes you asked, " What would you do? "

Mirroring you back with a face of stone Alana was hesitate to answer because in her mind.. you may not have wanted to hear her true opinion. 

She replied, " Honestly."

Taking a breath you nodded.

" Well...."

—-

It'd been almost a month since you'd found that you were pregnant. And it had not been a easy ride. Between the fatigue, constant nauseous feeling, tiredness, and the task of doing your best to hide all signs of the minimal morning sickness from everyone.

You were exhausted.

But still the only two souls that knew were you and Alana.

And as much as you wanted to tell Austin and everyone else...you weren't ready.

Immediately when you stepped inside your home you smelt the delicious scent that carried through the air along with the soft jazz music you could hear from the kitchen. When you entered you were greeted by a enthused Magnus who did his everyday duty of administering your daily dosage of puppy kisses. After you went to the kitchen.

" Hey, mama. Been waiting to see you all day." Austin chirped from his post at the stovetop. He looked to have been making Fajitas and yellow rice, one of your favorite things he made, but  your stomach didn't jump at the sight of them like they normally would.

" Hi. That smells good, babe." You responded slowly inching toward the living room faking a smile. Really the closer you got, the more you wanted to gag. It smelled so funny.

" Thanks. I figured it had been a hot minute since I'd made it and I know its a favorite of yours. I thought we might eat this for dinner then maybe we could finish another chapter of the book we got Saturday upstairs."

You just nodded, " Yeah, Aus. That sounds nice. I'm gonna go lie on the couch for a little bit though. Feeling little tired." You informed.

Austin had to hold back the sullen expression that wanted to form and instead replace it with a small smile, usually whenever he cooked you were perched right on a seat at the kitchen island chattering and giggling. But as of recent that hadn't been the case and Austin would be lying if he said it didn't bother him.

" Okay."

From there the two of you had dinner as normal making little small talk here and there. Mostly work talk and little about plans for the summer the two of you had made which now made you said since they might not be feasible with the new information of your...condition.

Post dinner Austin let Magnus out to potty before you both ventured upstairs with the happy hound following where the two of you separately shower and change to then got in bed and Austin took his turn to read.

Feeling actually tired you let him sort of cuddle you with his unoccupied hand on your back while your head rested on his chest and your legs were intertwined.

Seeing that the book was a romance once you'd hit a certain part of the chapter it'd gotten..spicy . And with the two of you particularly in a enclosed space like your bed, it wasn't shocking to you when Austin decided to make a move.

He'd leaned in and grabbed your face pulling yours to his in a sweet kiss. A kiss that you couldn't help but naturally blend into. This was the most action the two of you had seen in a while. He was enjoying being this close to you. He drank in the scent of mango and vanilla that came from you and savored the soft of your skin on his fingertips. 

Gaining more traction without breaking the union Austin had managed to to set the book aside on the nightstand while maneuvering to hover over you. Everything was okay until you felt a hand move from caressing the top of your breast down to brush the top of your stomach.

Startled you abruptly pulled away alarming Austin.

" Whoa. Hey you alright? What's the matter? " He questioned searching your face.

Putting on a poker face you nodded, " Yeah I'm fine, babe. Just..do you mind..." You trailed silently gesturing for him to move off.

Obliging instead of just rolling over, Austin got up from the bed standing to look at you. You couldn't quite pin-point what he was thinking, but from his expression it was clear he was bothered.

" Y/N what's going on? Is it me? Have I done something? "  He asked.

Shaking your head you scooched off the bed moving to stand, " Of course not, Aus. Why would you think that? It's fine. I'm fine." You said feeling a whoosh of anxiety enter your chest.

" Well I honestly don't know what you want me to think, baby. I mean as of late every time I come near and try to hold you , you move away from like I got the plague. We haven't had a date night in three weeks because you always keep saying you're too tired or busy. Whenever I'm home and I cook dinner for us you don't wanna even sit down and eat with me." Austin poured looking at you with pleading eyes. " It feels..like you don't want me around most days."

Your eyes began to water hearing his outpour of concern and neglect. 

“ That’s not true, baby. You know I want you around all the time.” You tried assuring.

You hadn’t meant to get this way. You felt terrible. Like a monster. You'd never meant to make him feel this way.

A bitter laugh left him, “ I can’t tell.” 

Looking at you he could see that you felt bad and once your tears began rolling,  he felt his eyes begin to feel moist.

" Baby...." He dragged out trying to keep the strain against his voice small, " We're not even making love anymore. The last time you let me touch you was almost a month ago. A-and before that we could barely keep our hands off each other." He painfully pointed out thinking about all the passionate love making the two of had been doing. You used to joke around with him and tease that he had to be part energizer bunny because he never needed a recharge.

But nonetheless it was true.

You'd been avoiding him, and tucking yourself away while you tried to figure out what you were going to do.

Doing little things like wearing loose clothes even to bed when he knew you preferred to be near naked most times. When he'd offer shower with you, you'd always politely decline brushing it off as you were just going to be in and out. You put space between the two of you when you watched shows or ate dinner. Austin had taken note of it all, and while he had been trying to give you some space and be supportive. But he feared he was at the end of his rope.

But still you couldn't find the voice to say anything back to him, and this unfortunately heighten his emotions so bad that he said the unthinkable.

" You know what cut the shit, Y/N! " Austin sighed placing his hands into his face. " Who is he? " Austin accused feeling like you'd just been struck in the chest.

" E-excuse me." You gawked in disbelief at what your fiancée was shockingly insinuating. He had to know better than even letting a passing thought like that enter his mind.

" You heard me. Who is he? " He repeated with more attitude. " Because whatever you're not getting here you gotta be getting somewhere, right? It's Lucas isn't it?" He sourly threw out the name of the name of your friend who'd been helping with your photography classes you'd enrolled in. The same Lucas from the night at Alana's party that had tried to get extra friendly with you. “ You’re fucking him, aren’t you?” The words thrown out like venom.

You felt you heart race prompting you to rest a hand on your chest as you tried to calm yourself down. But no much how much steady breathing you practiced, it wouldn't help stop the tears that began cascading down your face, " Austin...H-how could you even think that. No! There isn't anyone else. Not Lucas..not anyone!" " You choked out in disbelief full on crying now.

Raising his head to look at you he sighed, " Ah hell, Y/N." He mumbled in discontent at seeing you cry the way you were. He hated when you cried. " I don't know what to think at this point! This isn't like us. This isn't like YOU."

You nodded feverishly trying to calm down, " I know...I-I just don't feel like myself, Austin." You half confessed being sure to leave out the major components of why.

" Okay, I understand. And I absolutely hate that your feeling that way. But I can't help you if I don't know what's going on. Can please you tell me what's wrong. I wanna be here and help you. But you're shutting me out. Please." Austin pleaded looking at you intently, all he was asking was for something..really anything that you could tell him to steer him in the right direction. Because right now he felt lost.

Biting your lip to the point of near bloodshed and twiddling your thumbs you contemplated just spilling your guts and telling him right then and there, but the little voice in your head agonizingly sniping at your thoughts wouldn’t allow it.

If you tell him now it becomes real. And there isn't anything guaranteeing that he'll be happy. I mean you told him about your childhood, why would he want someone damaged like you to raise a child with.

Who would want you as a mother?

Feeling like the walls were caving in you just barely spoke, " Austin. I want to....But I can't.... I just can't."

The words had come out.

And now you had to painfully watch as his face fall at your response. It was like you could see a little embers of hope die behind his eyes, and it broke your heart even more to watch as he sniffled up what would have been a stray tear.

When he responded his voice sounded taut, " You know when we first started dating and we played that game with all the questions. And I asked you to describe our relationship in three words. One of the words YOU specifically picked was honest." Austin reminisced reminding you both of the happier time. He took a second to breath until his glossy eyes met yours in a intense lock, " W-when did that change?"

Once he finished, he then proceed to back away from you softly wrenching the bedroom door open, he casted you one more look before closing it behind him.  Leaving you to shakily lay yourself down on the bed and wrap yourself in the covers to ensue in a good old fashion sob out.

That night for the first time since the two of you had gotten engaged and moved into the loft you'd sleep alone in your king size bed. You heard when the guest bedroom had opened and closed. This only made you cry more.

You felt cold. And not just because the usual warmth Austin gave off holding you in the night wasn't present, but really because it was as if you were standing in the middle of nowhere with no shelter and no place to turn.

You felt alone.

In the wee hours of the morning while your fought yourself in and out of sleep you'd heard the bedroom slowly creep open. With your back to the room you listened as he moved about the bathroom and the closet in what you knew was him getting ready for the interview line up he had today for some of the precursors for award season.

You so badly wanted to turn around and call out for him. Apologize and explain everything a thousand times over. But still it felt like your body physically wouldn't move.

When he came out the final time, you could hear him come to his side of the bed and put something on the duvet. He sighed before turning around and back out the door closing it softly behind him. The alarm chime could be heard soon after and that's when you knew he was gone.

Slowly pulling yourself up to turn around. You hit the toggle for the lights and looked at the folded note that sat on his pillow.

You'd be laying if you said that your heart didn't fall to your ass. Was he leaving you?

Numbly you grabbed the note bracing yourself to take in it's contents.

Then you read it,

Dear Y/N,

I know that I already told you that I'd be out for most of the day today but I also wanted to let you know that when I get home I'll be retiring to the guest room.

I don't exactly know what's going right now but I just feel like I'm putting in so much effort into this relationship as of recent only to receive half of it back. And as a couple who recently got engaged..this worries me. I understand that you have a tough time opening up about certain things bothering you and that is completely understandable. But just what I don't understand is why your pulling back from opening up to me after all we've been through in two years of progression.

With that being said, for right now I think it'll be good if we just take some space. Hence why I'll be staying in the guestroom for a couple of days. Unless you're ready to talk in some type of honest capacity or there is some type of emergency, I ask that you please respect this boundary for the time being.

I love you, Y/N. And I know we can work at this and overcome whatever is going on.

But I badly need you to try.

I'll still be home in time to make dinner as normal and I'll leave you a plate in the microwave.

All my love always, forever, and beyond,

Austin.

[spaceacerat]

are these not normal? they were in your tags from this post

Hello! I wasn't sure if you mean blisters, or random moments of pain, so I'll assume both! I tried to separate the sections.

TW: medical neglect, medical abuse from doctors (I think it counts as that anyways, especially under the cut), mentions of skin-based injuries

(I apologize, this ended up turning into a scrambled medical rant because I have a lot of big feelings about how kids/teens/young adults can be completely ignored for even very noticeable signs of disability or issues and grow up suffering for it. I'm also just very tired and feeling weird and am in a ranty mood wanting my pain and suffering to be heard 😭)

BLISTERS:

On the case of blisters, I have little frame of reference for how often normal people blister, but my partners never seem to. Whenever I look into it, normal people apparently blister from shoes being too tight, or hiking or something very strenuous.

If your skin blisters with heat or certain fabrics, from wearing shoes even if they fit, clothing, sleeping, sitting, standing, or walking, or comes off easily from a mild bump into something, it is Not Normal.

My old PCP, when I finally asked him about it, was stunned, and did a biopsy when I had blisters I didn't have to pop. He thinks it's Epidermolysis bullosa simplex, but I can't get an official diagnosis without a genetic test that insurance doesn't cover apparently, and the dermatologist I went to was useless.

I would give advice on how to deal with it if anyone is ever interested, but what works for me probably won't work for everyone.

I don't know how it's supposed to be dealt with according to medical science, and I'm apparently (according to a partners nurse mother) very lucky I haven't gotten an infection. After all, I do it the broke person "here's my value pack of sewing pins and some paper towels" way, not the "I have access to medical resources and specialized sterile needles/bandages" way.

PAIN:

In regards to feeling pain most of the time, I've had one of my partners ask what level of pain I'm usually at, and I shrugged and went "Ehh, most of the time a 1-2, sometimes a pang of 3, a 4-5 if something specific hurts, at worst a 6-9 if somethings wrong like a migraine or whatever." He then wisely told me "You know what level normal people are at most of the time? A zero. Most people aren't in pain unless something is wrong."

I suppose that put things into perspective regarding my health, after years of just dealing with random bouts of sudden health issues I had to deal with usually completely on my own growing up.

(side note, watching something like lord of the rings as a kid, which involved a lot of scenes of them all just walking or running, would make me cringe because "holy shit they must be in so much pain :( they're so brave, and so strong for still walking and running for hours when they surely have blistered by now! I hope they have plenty of sewing needles to pop them when they stop to rest!" because my dumbass couldnt even walk around an amusement park for a day without limping badly and slowly while being told to hurry up by an older sibling, and these guys were walking and running for months on uneven terrain. Still jealous about that >:( )

(more ranting under the cut but about other things I've come to realize weren't normal [AKA specifics about the skin disorder/medical issues] or just makes me mad because suddenly I just feel the need to about my personal medical crap. Maybe someone will see it and see themselves in it. Sorry about that 😅)

in reference of the tag, I meant how I blister. I came out of the womb missing skin, and have always blistered around my body very easily. The docs claimed it was eczema when I was a baby, and they didn't bother looking into it further, but from the few people I have met who have that, they don't show any of my symptoms. Meanwhile I grew up thinking it was completely normal, and that everyone was just walking around in pain and ignoring it better than me.

I can't wear tennis shoes/heels/sandals/flipflops/crocs because the backs always rub my ankles raw and they're too soft so every step they rub around my toes, (or flip-flops would just tear the skin between my toes) but I had to grow up wearing tennis shoes all the time. That meant every night after school I'd come home and have to pop the blisters to drain them before I could sleep. Now I wear flat combat boots with two pairs of socks and it's so much better, but still not perfect, since I can't really walk outside in the summer.

I've blistered from walking, sitting, lying down, being outside in the heat, sweating, sleeping with my thighs touching, all sorts of things. Skin can also come off entirely if I get scratched or bumped into something. One time my leg got stuck at a bent angle because I fell asleep without popping the blister behind my knee, and it dried to the point where I couldn't pull it apart without pain.

Something else about that is that I'm allergic to adhesives and latex. The few times I've 'had' to wear bandaids were hellish, as it would remove the entire top layer of skin with it since it blistered under it. When I had to do an allergy test with the adhesive (dermatologist decided it had to be an allergy, because he's a dumbass), I made them cut them and put them on my arms instead of my back, where they promptly blistered after a few hours and I had to peel them off myself with a leather belt between my teeth to keep from chipping a tooth (because when I say it was incredibly painful, thats a massive understatement).

No one around me cared that I was suddenly having to lean against walls and furniture to get around because my legs wanted to give out from under me due to sudden muscle weakness and a pounding heart/chest pains/dizziness, or the few migraines I got in middle school that made me throw up a few times which weirdly made the migraine go away after enough times doing that. Or my limping from blisters, or the medication side effects that showed up when I started taking antipsychotics.

On note of medication, none of the psychs I went to told me about medication side effects. I was 13 when I started Seroquel (my guess is because they wanted to sedate me because of a whole fiasco, my partners nurse mother was shocked when she found out I was on it at such a young age for what were incredibly mild bipolar 2 symptoms). It caused me to pass out a few times, and I just had to keep taking it despite it actually making my depression/hypomania incredibly bad through the rest of middle and high school, because I wasn't aware I should tell my doctor it was making me worse. Never got bloodwork for it either.

After a while I switched meds, but was still having the worst depressive symptoms and my hypomania got even worse. One of the ones a doc had me try basically short circuited my brain. I had a five second memory if that, was shuffling around leaning against everything trying to stay upright, could barely think or talk outside of slurred words... My family saw this, and just went "You good?" and when I half-muttered a 'yeah' because I couldn't think straight enough to realize I should say no, they just shrugged and asked if I could do the dishes. I shook my head and went back to bed, passing out for 10 hours. Refused to ever take that medication again once I woke up, despite my psych trying to tell me I had to give it at least two weeks to start working properly. Fuck that.

When I show signs that something is wrong and I mention it to someone, and everyone brushes it off, it becomes normalized in the brain. But it's not. Now that I have partners who grew up going to the doctor for their problems, they're horrified, especially when they see me actively struggling with it. I had an episode (sudden muscle weakness/chest pains/pounding heart/dizzy) last month in front of them, and they were seriously debating taking me to a hospital but I kept refusing and saying it would pass because it always did and I wasn't afraid. It did eventually pass after about 7 hours, but not before scaring the shit out of them.

And these were the same signs I showed at work, twice, neither time I went home. I worked as a janitor during one of them, my manager saw but didn't think to do anything. I still managed to clean, but I did lie down and pass out in one of the back offices for a few minutes and just got up and went right back to work because I didn't want to get in trouble.

Also, a shout out to the laundromat I was forced to continue working at when I had covid!! I thought I was dying but they wouldn't let me take work off until I had a positive test, so I was forced to work the place completely alone for 8 hours during the first three days of major symptoms because I was desperate to keep the job and didn't know I could just refuse or call someone!! I mean, have you ever had to wash/dry/fold 200+ pounds of laundry completely alone in one night while every part of you thinks you're dying, and then on top of that having to deal with customers/machine issues, lift heavy trash bags, and clean dusty airvents and the rest of the place aka bathrooms and floors?? It's incredibly awful!! I did my damndest to keep my hands washed to the point where the skin came off a bit on one of my fingers and wearing a mask constantly while trying to keep my distance. Worst three days ever.

[creative99writer]

Pieces Of Me

A Jack Draper story - Part 1

Part 2: https://www.tumblr.com/creative99writer/762074059828789248/pieces-of-me

Hello, this is my first time posting a story here - I hope you enjoy!

As a tennis fan, I have newly discovered the gorgeousness that is Jack Draper, but English is not my first language, so please bear with me. I am honestly super nervous to post here for the first time properly, and I‘m not someone who normally posts on tumblr, so I hope you like it :)

Warnings: slightly mature content, probably typos

Also, I hope it’s okay I borrowed this glorious GIF ;)

US Open, New York City.

They stumbled into the room through the dimly lit doorway, the kiss heavy and passionate. It was warm inside the fancy hotel room. He lost his shirt along the way, not caring where it landed.

Jack moaned right into her mouth as he picked her up and pinned her against the wall, his mouth hot against hers. He was kissing her like his life depended on it, his hands everywhere, his scent everywhere and it was overwhelming her in the best of ways. His shirt had been lost at some point during their heated makeout session and she could feel his hot skin against her body, making her dizzy. "Elle..." he breathed out, his mouth moving from hers to her neck. He knew exactly what he was doing. And him being so vocal brought her right back to reality.

"Wait, wait, wait..." Eleonora put her palm on his chest, pushing him away slightly, the both of them out of breath from that really hot kiss. 

"What's wrong?" Jack looked at her, confused, but nonetheless letting himself be pushed back gently, setting her down on the ground while she stayed against the wall, his bare chest heaving from their intense encounter. 

"We can't do this." Eleonora rushed the words out, confused herself - because she wanted this, but she knew it wasn't right. 

Jack's eyebrows furrowed, not quite understanding. "What do you mean?"

"We can't.... we can't do this, it's not..." she stopped herself, not quite sure what she was saying.

"Why?" he asked her now, not just confused but genuinely not understanding why she would stop herself - and them. He was still standing in front of her, but he hadn't tried to move any closer. He respected her trying to put some space inbetween them, yet wasn't ready to move away completely.  His question hit her like a ton of bricks. Why? Yes, why? Why was she trying to stop this? Why couldn't they do this? 

She stared at him, searching for words she either did not have or would not come out of her mouth. 

Why?

"I..." she started, and then broke off, shaking her head. Jack was still looking at her with his deep hazel eyes, an intense gaze that made her search for words even more difficult. She could see him get agitated by her lack of response, by her apparent rejection - but most importantly, by her lack of explanation. Maybe he was even hurt, but she couldn‘t tell for sure.

"You what?" he prompted her, but his tone was getting sharper, making her look away, her eyes instead darting around the room, not being able to look at him any longer. She was too confused. She didn't see the way his eyes immediately softened at her obvious distress. "Look. I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. If you tell me you don't want to do this with me, you don't owe me an explanation." He took a cautious step forward. "But I don't understand what you mean when you say we can't do this." He shook his head, taking her hand gently, making her finally look back up at him. "Do you not want to do this or what is it that's holding you back?" He looked her straight in the eyes, clearly needing her to know that he meant what he said. "Because I want you. So much. I really really want you. But if you tell me that you don't want me, then I'll go. No questions asked. I don't want to pressure you into something you don't want to do."

Eleonora could feel the warmth of his hand around hers and her heart hammering against her chest. She couldn't tell him that the didn't want him. Because she did. She really really did. How could she not? He was handsome, and he was a really great guy. Someone who had just offered her a way out of their… situationship. Without asking any questions. But she could not lie to him about not wanting him. Her lie probably would have been too obvious anyway.

He looked nervous, awaiting her response. As if it meant everything to him what she was going to say next. As if her rejection would break his heart, even if be would accept it and leave. His eyes displayed vulnerability that he rarely showed, as he looked into hers. He was laying a few of his cards on the table. Maybe not all of them just yet, but enough to let her know he cared a great deal. About her and about them.

She couldn‘t lie to him.

"I want you." she whispered, her eyes losing themselves in his hazel ones and she could see his relief in them, the vulnerability still there. She pulled her hands from his and placed them on his cheeks, getting close to him. She felt his hands on her waist, pulling her into him. "I do. Very much." 

He continued looking into her eyes, as if he needed to make sure that this was real and she wanted him. Elle tried to show some of her cards with her eyes, hoping he would unterstand that she meant it.

He must have understood.

He let out a deep breath as if he had kept it in until she told him she wanted him, this, too and leaned in, kissing her gently, pulling her as close as he possibly could. Eleonora responded, kissing him back and placing her arms around his neck and running her fingers through his hair. She couldn't possibly even so much as pretend she didn't want him.

His hands wandered gently up and down her back, keeping her close, caressing her. The kiss that had started gentle and innocent soon turned into something more passionate. Into something that made them forget the world around them. He kissed her harder, losing himself in their kiss. His hands were everywhere and it soon turned very heated. It was so overwhelming, it reminded Eleonora of why she had to stop this. Even if she wanted this to go on and on. She pulled away, out of breath and detangled herself from Jack - again, who was confused and breathing hard.

"But I can't do this, Jack... we can't..." she put her hands on her face, not being able to look at him again and because she was so annoyed with herself. 

"Eleonora." he prompted, his voice much gentler than she expected it to be after she pulled away twice. She was expecting him to shout, and she couldn't have blamed him, because of her weird attitude. He sounded calm and gentle, his hands touching her elbows and she looked up at him, his eyes soft - but looking at her with confusion. "What is going on?" He was still out of breath, his mouth so red  from their kisses that she really wanted to kiss him again. But she couldn't - or rather, shouldn't. 

"This is not a good idea." she finally told him what she wanted to all along. "We shouldn't be doing this. It's going to spiral out of control, all of it. And I can't do this to Jannik. I can't. And - and after my injury..." she pleaded with him to understand. But he didn't - or maybe he didn't want to, because he started to pull away, his brows furrowing. He looked at her, the hurt in eyes clearly visible this time, and it killed her inside. Hurting him was the last thing she wanted.

"Okay, so to get this straight. You want me, but also, you don't because you don't want to hurt some other guy's feelings, right?" When he put it like that, it sounded incredibly stupid. "What I don't really understand - not that I understand the other part - is what your injury has to do with us." He sounded annoyed, like she had worn out his patience.

"He is not some other guy, he is-" she started but that was clearly the wrong choice.

"Seriously?!" he shouted this time. "That is your first thought?! To defend Jannik?" He turned around, searching for his shirt that had been lost at some point during their heated kisses. 

"That's unfair, I-" she tried to defend herself, but Jack wasn't to be deterred. Especially considering he was right. And they both knew that. It was a cheap cop out, because really, she was afraid of how going any farther would change things between them.

"No. What is unfair is you telling me you want me, and then in the same breath tell me you cannot do this because of your ex or whoever he is. You’re still hung up on him, is that it? You kiss me and think about some other guy? You tell me you want me, but really, you are clearly thinking about someone else. Are you still hung up on the past? Can’t get over him? Then why the hell even start this and kiss me and tell me you want me? That is unfair. I offered you a way out, Elle. You telling me you want me when you clearly do not is unfair.“ he snarled, and looked away, pulling the shirt he had found next to the bed over his head, and turned to look back at her again, his eyes fiery. "I can understand wanting to be respectful, but it's not like I was proposing to you or anything, or thinking this was going to get serious because of one night together. It was just a bit of fun here." His words were piercing, as were his eyes. For a moment, she could see surprise flicker in them - was he surprised at what had just come out of his mouth? Didn’t he want to say what he said because it was a lie or because it was the truth and he had not wanted to tell her like this? Had she interpreted every lingering gaze and expression and his words completely wrong? Was him telling her he wanted her really just meant for a night?

But he didn't correct himself or take his words back. He just continued staring her down with his piercing gaze, too proud to back out now.

So she stared back. at him for a moment. Was he being serious, or was he being mean on purpose? She couldn't quite figure it out. But she was Eleonora, and she was proud, so she was not going to show him that his words hurt her. She would never give him - or anyone - that power. She was not going to let him make her feel small and show him that when she told him she wanted him, it was meant for more than a night.

And anyway- why was he so bothered that she mentioned Jannik? He almost sounded… jealous?

"Well, why does it bother you so much that I might be thinking of another guy when it's just a bit of fun for you?" she snarked back, crossing her arms in front of her chest.  

He had not expected that retort. It caught him off guard and his eyes darkened the second she mentioned Jannik. So he was jealous.

He swallowed, and continued staring at her, looking more nervous that he had before. It became a staring competition between two incredibly stubborn people. They were at a crossroads now. They both knew that. If Jack went down the road of 'a bit of fun', there would be no return - or it was going to be very tough to return, at the very least, because Eleonora would not back down and she wouldn't forgive him that easily. At the same time, she had hurt him, too. So the question was: was he going to be the bigger person and apologize for saying what he said, or did he really mean it and therefore wouldn't back down? 

The only thing Eleonora knew she was not going to be the bigger person and admit her feelings. She had been burned before and if she couldn’t be sure of his feelings, she would not tell him. It depended on him either admitting it wasn‘t just fun for him, or him telling her it was just fun for him. She couldn’t clearly tell if it was for him, so she was not going to risk getting herself hurt when she had before and it turned out horribly.

The air was thick between them as they stared at each other, chests heaving and one could have heard a pin dropping in the room. It was eerily quiet, neither of them giving in just yet.

Who would be giving in? Eleonora or Jack?

Did Jack really mean what he had said?  

[alpacahat67]

Idia Shroud is Autistic-Coded; Here's Why

Hello! Happy Autism Awareness Month! In celebration, I will be posting a wholeeee load of autistic traits I have found in Idia. This is coming from a person who, while undiagnosed, is most likely autistic.

If you have any additions, please tell me in whatever way is most convenient (comments, reblogs, asks, dms... whatever.) This list will likely be evergrowing as more events, vignettes, and story content are added to TWST. Some of these may be a stretch but ya know.

This is organized by trait for your (and my) convenience. Begins under cut!

*Warning, I am not a medical professional. I'm just autistic and for a while got fixated on autism itself. Which is why I call myself autistic... I've been researching this shit for many years lol

We'll be starting with DSM-5 requirements in order to be diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. Then, we will move to common experiences (things that most autistic people experience, but aren't a tell-tale sign that you're autistic and aren't a requirement for a professional diagnosis.) Finally will be disorders that Idia shows symptoms of that tend to co-occur with ASD.

Numbered list will explain the traits Idia demonstrates. At the end, the diagnostic criteria specified will be stated in parentheses and quotation marks.

A) Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts...

Generally, Idia is seen to have trouble communicating with his peers if not behind a screen or while interacting with something he enjoys (such as talking about anime or playing a board game.) ("Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation...")

Idia's way of expressing emotion is difficult to pin down. He will go from speaking very quietly (and stuttering usually) in a near-monotone voice with an "emotionless" expression to talking loudly, quickly, and with a HUGE smile on his face. We don't quite get to see how he responds to nonverbal communication or how he portrays it himself (probably because it doesn't come up, or because of live2d restrictions), but we do learn that he hates eye contact I believe in his Birthday Boy vignette when he claims to hate having to laugh and make eye contact with normies (masking right there buddy go to a doctor) ("Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.")

This is where it could kinda get stretchy, partially because I for the life of me am having trouble understanding A.3. BUT. Idia is often very blunt, to the point where he's straight up rude, especially in situations where that kind of attitude is... not very helpful. See the Phantom Bride event when he chastises the boys coming to rescue him for looking disheveled after fighting for their lives, which makes them not want to rescue him despite his life being on the line (I think Ace even goes off on him for this lol.) Furthermore, the only people amongst his peers that he will indulge are Azul, Ortho and (unknowingly, and only online) Lilia. The rest he has zero interest in, whether he despises or is scared of them. They're all normies. Finally, it's shown that throughout his life he has had very little if not zero friends in real life aside from Ortho. To be fair, I don't think there were many kids his age back home lol. ("Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.")

Part one of an autism diagnosis down! Idia shows persistent deficits in each social and communication area specified through A.1-A.3. In order to be diagnosed, you also much show two out of four of restricted, repetitive behaviors specified through B.1-B.4 below.

B) Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history...

Due to live2d restrictions, we never exactly get to see Idia physically stim. (Well, I'd argue we get to see Floyd physically stim with his constant swaying back and forth, but not like they can flap their hands or anything.) This one's a stretch, but his form of verbal stimming could be the little sound effects he makes at times, mostly in book 6 actually. Specifically, his "DA DA DA DAAAAA" after explaining the plot of Star Rogue to the overblot victims in Styx as well as his "BOOM BADA BOOM BOOM BOOM! HAH!" after finishing Ortho in the flashback sequence. Other than that, the only other ideas I'd have for repetitive movements or sounds are headcanons. I don't know if I'd count this one. ("Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech")

This is another one I don't think we ever see in-game. I don't know... the things I could consider part of this criteria would better fit as sensory things~! Again I'm an Idia connoisseur but if you know anything about this please tell me I will update this one. ("Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior")

Idia is shown to have MULTIPLE very strong interests. Whether this might be a special interest or hyperfixation... it's hard to tell, but I can sure guess. The longest-running interest we see him show to have, originating from way back when Ortho was still alive, is Star Rogue. Because he seems to know nearly everything about the game and has also maintained the interest for a long time, I would consider this a special interest (along with engineering and technomancy, which he's said to have excelled in since a young age.) Idia does talk about certain specific animes and other games he enjoys, but not to the degree of Star Rogue (yes that's my basis here), so I don't know if that's a special interest or just a hyperfixation. It's the same situation with idol groups, particularly Premo (or Fates on the Edge). This isn't even it. That man is fandom trash and I love him. ("Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus")

Idia is shown on multiple occasions to have sensory issues. To the point where, similarly to his strong interests, I don't know if I know half of it. During the Phantom Bride event and his Union Birthday vignette, Idia complains about his neck feeling cold due to his hair being brushed behind his hair (PB) or up in a ponytail (UB). He also complains about his Phantom Bride suit AND his Birthday Boy suit being "stuffy", but that one could also be a stretch. In the Harveston event, Idia says that he only eats his apples canned or peeled, which I'd chop up to sensory issues once again. (Although, that one could also be under B.2) Idia constantly has his headphones around his neck to listen to music. A bit of a stretch, but they're also noise canceling, so there's a chance he uses them to avoid overstimulation. Finally, Idia states that he doesn't like fish because it's smelly and slimy. I get that Idia raw fish is texture hell. As far as I know, there's no point in which Idia under-reacts to sensory input (e.g. pain) or becomes very invested in it (like staring at a moving wheel.) ("Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment")

And there we have it. Autism diagnosis. Idia demonstrates persistent deficits in all three sections under A and at least two sections under B. BUT WAIT! We still have C-E!

C) Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).

Really, the only point in which we see Idia demonstrate autistic traits in early life is his interest in Star Rogue. This is probably just because of how the storyline is. We actually don't know very much about Idia OR Ortho when they were young. However I would argue that Idia does mask because of the multiple times where he immediately just gets upset prior to talking to someone (something he probably hides during conversation). And ofc that one time he complains about talking to normies in his Birthday Boy vignette (? it could've be a voice line.)

D) Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.

Idia's symptoms in fact significantly impair his life. I think that alone is obvious enough. We see it every time that man's on screen.

E) These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay...

Symptoms that Idia experiences could very well be explained by other mental disorders such as social anxiety, but these are not intellectual disabilities. Explaining away ASD for Idia falls into a trap many autistic people do in real life with medical professionals who just can't believe that their patient is autistic for one reason or another; these people will sometimes receive a dozen different diagnoses that all could be better explained by autism spectrum disorder. That's not very cool. Therefore, this does not apply.

Specifically, Idia would likely have ASD co-morbid with social anxiety and most likely clinical depression. (I HAVE done some minor research into Idia and bipolar disorder, but that's a situation for another day and far more of a stretch than ASD ever could be.)

DSM-5 requirements cleared! Next stage, common experiences.

This is another thing I will need help for because it's not like there's scholarly articles on "things a lot of autistic people experience but it's definitely not something a doctor will ask you about." So please share. This is the list that will never stop growing.

Abnormal posture (Crewel gets onto Idia for not standing up straight, he often is portrayed sitting in chairs with his knees to his chest, and he's seen doing "dino hands" or "T-Rex arms" in battle mode on occasion.)

Target of bullying (Many autistic people, especially autistic girls, tend to be bullied more often than their allistic peers. While not always to his face, people do tend to talk bad about Idia behind his back, Ortho even has a 'Don't Talk Shit About My Brother' beam for the bullies lol.)

More tone + social stuff... (Things that the DSM-5 thing didn't quite fit. In book 6 he jokes about torturing the overblots and when everyone's like 'dude wtf' he's like 'what it was a joke dumbass.' Could be written off as just an odd sense of humor, or it could be difficulty reading the room lol.)

A love for lists and organization. (When Idia speaks autonomously in your guest room, he mentions having things exactly where you need them and how it's 'convenience'. He also seems to have a knack for practicality. It's not too much of a stretch to say it ties into a need for organization.) (Idia has every NRC student organized into multiple tier lists on the R-SSR rating system like the in-game cards based on certain factors, such as most social.)

Easily startled. (Self-explanatory. HieEh.)

Preference for connection through interests. (Another reason why he is disconnected from those around him, aside from the whole trauma thing, and calls most other people "normies." They don't "get" his interests, so he has no interest in being friends with them.)

Difficulty with processing time. (Remember when he had apparently been working on Ortho's uhhh starsender gear? For like 12 hours straight?"

Relaxes through interacting with interests (In the vignette I referenced in 7, when Ortho tells him to take a break, he decides to play Star Rogue. Ortho meant to sleep.)

Putting off needs until one can not longer ignore them. (Idia often gets so engrossed in what he's doing that he forgets to do basic self-care tasks like eating.)

Infodumping. (Shown a lot in book 6. Namely with his like 2-3 minute long rant about Star Rogue. The rest, such as him rambling on and on about Styx, seems to be used so the audience knows what the HELL is happening. He does go on rants outside of this book tho.)

Gifted kid (Yeah he was called a "boy genius.")

This is not a complete list by any means, I could go on for DAYS.

On the topic of co-occurring disorders, the two most obvious disorders Idia clearly is dealing with are social anxiety and depression. Both of which are often co-morbid with ASD.

While social anxiety and ASD have a lot of overlap, they aren't the same thing, but often autism can contribute to the development of social anxiety through masking and the general difficulties in socializing that come with autism. Allistic people tend to react negatively in response to an autistic person doing something that the allistic person deems unorthodox. This reaction can often cause a lot of internal turmoil for the autistic person due to rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Furthermore, masking requires a high level of awareness of one's environment as well as the judgment of others. Thus, social anxiety can often develop.

While I don't know how exactly autism might affect depression as it does social anxiety, I do know that depression is VERY common in autistic adults. 5 in 10 adults with ASD have depression, and living in a world built for those who are neurotypical is hard for anyone who is neurodivergent, which definitely does not help. And it sure as hell has to make it worse for Idia of all people.

Additions made by others (tysm!): @hey-haven mentions in a reblog Idia's low empathy towards other people. I recommend heading over to their blog to check out what they said because they do make an amazing point and it's probably far better than anything I could explain (lol). But to paraphrase, they cite specifically Idia making fun of his classmates who just fought for their lives to rescue him during the Phantom Bride event and his attitude towards the overblot victims and their reactions to being essentially kidnapped during book 6, in which he seems to not really "get" why they're so upset. Generally, when it surrounds emotions that aren't his own, he's pretty oblivious. They also bring up his little "whee-hee-hee" laugh! It brings up an observation I've seen of autistic people (seemingly) laughing at "random" or generally inappropriate times because we tend to express laughter in a voiced manner (like laughing out loud because you find something genuinely funny) rather than an unvoiced manner (like the little exhale you do at a funny photo on your phone). Idia laughs a lot, I don't know if it's realistic to connect it to autism or if it's better explained by him just being a weird guy (which I love about him don't get me wrong lol.) Although the study about this was with specifically autistic and non-autistic children though... it's food for thought I guess.

And with that, my essay comes to a close. Again, happy Autism Awareness Month! Share some of your favorite autistic, canon or otherwise, characters and boost autistic creators! And remember to not support Autism Speaks :)

Thank you for listening.

-Alpaca (autistic Idia Shroud enthusiast)

P.S. this post is so long that it's making my PC lag LMAOOOO

[marzmeltdown]

Familiar Taste of Poison - PT. 1

⌦ Pairing: Wonwoo x Reader ⌦ Genre(s): series,, angst,, fluff ⌦ chapter specific genre: fluff,, angst ⌦ Warning(s): !!TW:Drug Use, Alcohol Abuse, mentions of depression!!, reader kinda uses Wonwoo, a lot of this will be in multiple pov's(I will clarify when it changes pov's), some mention of being sick, swearing ⌦ Word count: 1.43k ⌦ Summary: You and Wonwoo have been friends since childhood, though you're both a little estranged from one another, the only contact being when you call Wonwoo for help. ⌦ A/N: I got the name for this from another rock band. This chapter is a bit shorter than what I'd normally write, but there will also be more than one part, so hopefully that makes up for it. Sorry to anyone named Chelsea, it was the first name I thought of. If there's anything you feel I should improve on in the future, don't hesitate to let me know! You can find progress updates on this story and everything else I write in my pinned post every Wednesday.:) ⌦ Since this series has some very heavy themes of mental health and substance abuse, I will be attaching a link to a website with help hotlines around the world. ⌦ International Mental Health hotlines ⌦ Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6

⌦ (Reader's POV) Cold laminate pressed itself against your cheek as your world spun inside the confines of a small half bath in some house owned by someone you didn't know, in a location you had never been to. The toilet that lied next to you to accompany you in your faded state stood in place to catch any of the waste that you poured into it. Groaning, you grabbed your phone from the spot next to your head, the group chat you'd shared with a few friends having been a ghost town since you asked for their help in the bathroom. The last message you'd read was your own, and your friends seemed to ignore your frantic messages for help as the contents inside your stomach found their way back into your mouth.

Despite feeling as though you were on an amusement park ride that spun itself fast enough to press your body to the metal you'd been standing against, you sat up, the screen of your phone feeling like a thousand flightlights were being shown in your eyes, causing you to squint. The sound of a notification rang through your ears. Quickly, you opened it after seeing that it was a message sent to your group chat.

⌦ You: Can you guys come into the bathroom? I don't feel good (read 2:54 am)

⌦ You: Please? (read 3:00 am)

⌦ 3:35 am

⌦ Chelsea: We went home; you'll have to find a way back to your place (read: 3:45 am).

"Fuck!" You cried, throwing your phone against the wall, and brought your knees to your chest to comfort yourself as you cried into your hands. There was a bang against the locked bathroom door, shaking you out of wallowing in your own self-pity. You had every right to be upset; however, these friends leave you high, drunk, and stranded all the time. At some point, you have to start facing the truth, but today wouldn't be that day.

The bang repeated itself, rushing you to your feet as you grabbed your phone from the floor. They banged against the door one last time, and you opened the door with a huff before pushing past the girl, who looked just about as fucked up as you were. You needed fresh air and a caring shoulder to cry on. Stepping outside, you sat down on the front steps of the house, staring down at your now cracked phone screen, pondering whether or not you should call him.

Before you knew it, you had clicked on his contact and pressed that blue call button under his contact photo. You chewed at the skin on your thumb nervously as the phone rang.

it rang

and rang

and rang

Only on the fourth ring did he finally pick up, giving you a half-awake greeting of something that sounded vaguely like a hello.

"Wonwoo, did I wake you?" You asked, and you could tell that you had, but he lied and said you hadn't anyway.

"What do you need?" He asked, and the sounds of him moving around followed his question.

"I know it's late, but would you pick me up? My friends left me stranded at some party; I don't know where I am, and I'm scared." You began to cry again. You couldn't tell if it was because you were stranded or because you knew for a fact that this was going to happen again. Your words slurred from your sobs and drunken state, but it seemed that Wonwoo knew exactly what you said by the sounds of his keys rattling in his hand.

⌦ (Wonwoo's POV) The sound of Wonwoo's phone filling the room pulled the man out of his slumber. He groaned as he debated whether or not he should answer it. There was only one person who would call him at this time, and it was his childhood best friend. He knew that if he didn't answer, you would wake up in some bathroom somewhere with no memory of how you got there. He didn't bother rolling over; instead, he reached behind him to play some game of claw where his phone was the reward.

Bringing the phone to his face, he squinted as he looked at the caller ID, swiping the button to answer the phone before pressing it to his ear. He sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he began to speak.

"Hello?" He asked, pinching the bridge of his nose to force the sleep from his head as he listened to you speak, begging for him to pick you up for the second time this week.

"Yeah, send me your location, and I'll be right there," he said groggily as he slipped his glasses onto his face, getting up from his bed to grab his shoes, sweater, and keys. His heart sank into his stomach when you asked him to stay on the phone until he got there; he agreed and locked his apartment as he left.

The drive to where you'd been essentially abandoned was quiet, apart from your soft sobs and the rain that had started as soon as Wonwoo began driving. When he pulled up to the house, the sight was kind of sad: one lonely person sitting on the porch of a house that was rattling from the loud bass coming from the speakers inside. The rain had drenched your clothes, and it was apparent that the chill from being soaked by a cold night's rain was the least of your problems.

"I'm here; I'm going to hang up now," Wonwoo said, hanging up the phone as he turned off his car. He slipped his sweater off while walking across the yard towards you. As soon as Wonwoo was at the steps, he leaned down to gently tap your shoulder, smiling weakly once you looked up at him. Wonwoo held you close when you jumped into his arms, hugging him tightly.

"Wonwoo, I'm so sorry to make you do this again," you cried, effectively soaking the already rain-soaked shirt he'd been wearing. He pulled away after a moment, putting his sweater in your hands.

"Of course I'd be here; have I ever not been there for you?" Wonwoo said as he led you to his car, opening the door for you before getting in once you'd slipped into the passenger seat.

⌦ (Reader's POV) The heat in Wonwoo's apartment was a nice contrast to the chilling rain you'd sat in for the better part of an hour. You tried to go to bed when Wonwoo gave you a change of clothes and enough water to fill two and a half water bottles, but lying in the dark in his living room only made you feel worse about yourself. The tears just kept coming, and you tried to silence your sobs so as not to wake the man who was gracious enough to loan you his clothes and a warm place to sleep for the hundredth time this month.

Staring at the ceiling caused your mind to fall down rabbit holes that you would have preferred to walk around, but the thoughts kept coming. Finally, you'd had enough and looked at the time on your phone.

⌦ 6:15 am

Sighing, you sat up and got up from the couch. The journey to Wonwoo's room felt like a game of operation as you maneuvered around objects to prevent any loud noises. Wonwoo's door was open just enough for you to peek your head in; he was sound asleep, his back turned to the door as he lied there.

Tiptoeing into his room, you gently tapped his shoulder, chewing the inside of your lip as you felt him begin to stir. It took another few taps for him to finally peep an eye open and turn toward you, sitting up on his elbow when he noticed the look of worry that was on your face.

"What's wrong?" He asked; his voice had been deeper from sleep, and his messy hair made him look oddly attractive.

"I couldn't sleep; could..could I stay in here tonight?" You asked, resting a knee on the edge of the bed. He looked at you for a moment, wondering if he were in a dream or not.

Your heart felt as though it were doing back flips when he scooted to the side and lifted the blanket for you to slide in. Just as he began to turn, you grabbed ahold of his arm to cuddle yourself into him. He hesitated for a moment before fully wrapping his arm around you.

Finally, you could sleep comfortably.

[thefinalwitness]

HELLO i gave myself a horrible two-in-one headache yesterday (tension headache from working on this all night, sinus headache because spring/summer is torturous to me) but i finally got to put that weird fucking oc together. they didnt end up as weird as i was anticipating but this is only their "midway trying to be normal" form so maybe i'll make the true-true form extra fucked up. some other time. i'm tired)

ANYWAY babbling spree: im calling this oc atlas (they/them) for now but i havent 10000% settled on a name. they were a concept and familiar created by venat in the world unsundered, and were what she sent to track meteion when she fled to ultima thule before the final days. they spent 12k years trying to get through to meteion, and in the process were severely "corroded" by the despairing dynamis, until only a shred of their will yet existed in ultima thule.

they use that little bit of will to try and guide the scions and warriors of light when they come to ultima thule; they can't do anything more than call out and try to guide them to meteion. so, besides a spooky extra voice, they don't have much impact on the series of events there.

they're freed with the endsinger's defeat, and use some of their recovering power to save l'aiha, who would have died of her injuries otherwise. they also think she's "adorable" and, upon returning to etheirys, chose to remodel their true form to more resemble her, hence why they look so much like a miqo'te with moth bits. (originally, they'd have looked more like an ancient, and/or just more weird and alien.)

they also have a "disguise/plain miqo'te" form for blending in, but it's... imperfect. main issues are the starry freckles across their body still glow in dim light and darkness, and their eyes are just. VERY bright.

they LOOOOOVE modern etheirys but don't understand a lick of it. <3 ooc theyre a double whammy of "i need a dedicated dancer oc" and "i am ever on the lookout for an oc that i would consider to be l'aiha's wol successor if i retire her at some point". theyre very kind and 'brave' (or, perhaps more accurately, unaware of danger) and they're going through a bit of a Depression post-6.0 because, well, venat is very dead.

despite the 12k years of conflict with meteion, they've always cared about her and are one of her two friends after endwalker (minfilia (yes that minfilia) being the other one. minfie's alive and collecting ancient familiars). atlas therefore spends most of their time in thavnair, helping minfilia tend to those awakened to the echo there during the final days, but will likely begin playing a bigger role in msq now that A Certain Arch Nemesis Of Hydaelyn is back in the picture, sorta, kinda. <3

anyway theyve been stewing in my brain for weeks now, and i only this weekend collected enough little ideas to pin together to make an actual oc. i like them a very normal amount.

[are-you-judd-enough]

hello! little feedback for your blog. a lot of posts are maps where it is either seems so obvious who won that it's sure the answer is the opposite else it wouldn't be there, or matches that look a lot like pure 50/50, maybe varying it a bit and adding submissions of more "normal" matches can help make the odd ones less obvious and the whole gimmick more fun, at least that's my opinion. anyway have an amazing day and thank you for the fun blog gimmick!!

I definitely hear what you're saying, but i don't know that I agree.

Looking at the poll results for the last week or two, unless everyone is playing to the bit, which I wouldn't put past tumblr, generally, the maps are not regularly being guessed correctly.

The aesthetic I wanted for the blog was close and interesting maps and I don't know that including a 60/30 split map where its very clear who won is interesting enough on its own, or provides an interesting enough context to close maps. To me, a poll where everyone gets it because I chose an obvious map would be a failure and outside the blog gimmick.

Close matches are really hard to curate, at least the ones from my own games, I only really pull the ones I couldn't call. You might be in the same boat as me and we're both just really good at calling them? So I am already in the mindset you suggested when I'm playing myself.

As a final thought, if you're playing Splatoon yourself, you can provide games (see the pinned blogs) and help curate the maps displayed.

[zorughost]

azurearctos -> zorughost (trying out)

Hello everyone, thought finally pinned post

• 20+, loveless aroace, trans agenderthing? intersex, he/him it/its pronouns

• Plural (no syscourse please), @familie plural blog

• Semiscribal (flux if make sense? sometimes more words), full sentences from headmate

• Autistic, disabled physically and mentally (crutch and wheelchair user)

• Biggest special interest Pokémon (am normal about Allister and Kieran, Espurr and Hisuian Zorua lover)

• Special interests: animals/nature, video games (+ Pokémon, MH Stories), Japanese culture (+ manga/anime, Yokai, food, myths), folklore/mythologies, monsters, stuffed animals, VTubers, dragons and HTTYD, prehistoric animals and dinosaurs

• Favorite manga: Rosario + Vampire, The Fox & Little Tanuki, Dungeon Meshi, Deepsea Aquarium Magmell

• Engaged environment protection

• Pagan

• If don't know why follow, probably for sideblog(s), will reblog/like so know

• Biggest ever

• Reminder: NO "go nonverbal", say "speech loss" or synonym, nonverbal = permanent

userboxes by @/sweetpeauserboxes

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DNI: racist, ableist, LGBT/MOGAI-phobic, islamophobic/antisemitic, proshipper (especially if minor or incest involved, bad trigger for self and headmate, and related trauma for headmate), terf/radfem, transabled and similar, anti-otherkin (hurt nobody), anti-age/petre (not sexual, recognized coping mechanism), support HP/JKR

[araksi-art]

i am finally making a pinned post !

lil intro

hello!! i am araksi413, i use they/it pronouns with no preference, and i have a whole bunch of names (nyel, aryn, traffic..) but im also happy with araksi or nicknames :]

this is my art account and. i am bad at posting. i have so so many drafts help

i draw mostly my ocs, furries, and some fanart here and there

i have a taglist! if you wanna be added, send me an ask and ill do so happily :D

list of all my ocs & tag directory under cut!

a list of all my ocs:

first, here's a post with my doodles of all of them !

and here's the list:

world 1:

normal guys:

eva

mattias

sun

sarah (and elise)

special guys:

anna (and her brother)

zara

deer

emobear

charles

[no name entered]

araksi lamodre

daphne

special twelve:

cari'sam

roben (and the cliffbloods)

menir (and fuor)

bon de ciel

illumm elderspark

kamari

man uu, servant of ohbahma

al'ixia-mariunak

em

faelyn anastasia boldur

camm dan (and mae who belongs to @bro-strider-tgirl-tits <3)

ezry

other:

láng

rikuki

lú

fleur céléne

un

tag directory

making this mostly so i dont get lost in my own tags hehe :3

described <- anything tagged with this has image descriptions in alt text!

oc art: name <- art of the specific oc (e.g oc art: charles)

oc art <- all oc art

non-oc art <- art of other characters!

other art <- everything else, like landscapes, paintings..

art of araksi <- all of my art!

art for friends <- all art made for my mutuals/friends :3 or as a request!

asks and answers <- ask tag <3

taglist reblog <3 <- well, self explanatory, my tag for the taglist reblog i do for every art piece (when i remember)

[aussied]

So I started reading the Percy Jackson series...

*creeps on up in here*

Hi yes hello

So I have been reading through the Percy Jackson series for the first time because the Pinterest algorithm kept saying that the characters in my original story were similar to characters from Percy Jackson, and I had apparently unknowingly been pinning fanart as inspiration for years. So finally I was like "Yeah okay, I should read the books since apparently I already love the characters." and yanno what! I DO love the characters! I blew through The Lightning Thief book and enjoyed it. Then I made the mistake of watching the 2010 the movie and had an unhinged meltdown livetweeting about it on Twitter. I can post that on here if you guys want because I think I traveled to another plane of existence [negative] while watching it and received psychic damage. At one point I was in so much disbelief about the quality of the movie and the changes that they made that I fell into a bout of distressed laughter that I couldn't stop until I started coughing, so that's great. I just finished The Sea of Monsters book last night, but I'm gonna give myself a few days before I watch that movie because HHHHH I am not ready. I watched the trailer right after I finished the book and already had my head in my hands going "Why did they make those unnecessary changes??!" It's gonna be a ROUGH ONE FELLAS. I am already suffering. I am sosososososososososoSO thrilled about the D+ series coming this winter. Oh my GOSH. I'm incredibly sorry to the fandom who only had those Fox movies as their only adaptations for so long. That SUCKS. I'm hoping and praying that the series is as good as the trailers look. I think it'll do very well as a series rather than a movie, since the chapters are so episodic in the first book especially. I just hope that The Mouse™ doesn't cancel it prematurely. ANYWAY. I'm in that fun (horrible) state of jumping into the fandom pool where I am stoked to look at tags and search up fanart of characters, but having only read 2/7 books, I absolutely can't do that yet, because I don't want to get spoiled. I already am foaming at the mouth ready to meet a specific character that I see everywhere, but I don't think they show up until like two more books. Ahh! I hope they are as baby as the fanart I've seen has been. Luckily I've only been spoiled on two things so far... I'm kinda plugging my ears and going "lalalala!!" for how until I can blast through more of the books. Uhhhhh that's it! Not really a point to this post. It's just me waving hello to the Percy Jackson fandom I guess. Hello there! I hope to browse your tags and have A Very Normal Time about this series when I'm safely through it all!

[usersasaki]

hello tumblr user usersasaki 🫵 you will never know who i am! (or who knows lol hi karma <3) this anon has been looking into getting into orv but keeps procrastinating like they do on many other things and so asks you, one of their resident orv likers they know, to uh. idk. but feel free to ramble on about why you like orv so much & why someone should get into it (like me!) so maybe i can finally be convinced to read it Now instead of putting it off for later again and again !! ... or something like that 🥺✨

OK GUYS THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS NOT A DRILLLLL AAAAA HELLO U BEAUTIFUL PERSON I THINK IK WHO U ARE BUT RN I'M SO READY TO CRUSH U IN A BIG HUG REGARDLESS OF THAT

ahem. yes. anyways. i'm totally normal abt this, i totally didn't go feral for a few moments before i started typing this. OK BUT I'M SO READY TO TRY TO CONVINCE U TO READ THIS CUZ WHEN I SAY THIS WEBTOON + WEBNOVEL HAS CHANGED ME ENTIRELY. pls bear with me, giving me a chance to word vomit was not a good idea /hj. i'll put everything under the cut :] and i'll try to keep everything as spoilerless as possible so that u can safely enjoy the story when u get to it

i will apologise in advance for the person i've become, this might end up becoming a HUGE post (edit: i think it did, this is apparently at a lil more than 2k words rn cuz i typed this in google docs for fear of tumblr nuking my entire draft and me having to start all over again)

tldr for those who don't want to go through a 2k essay; orv is for you if you enjoy clean art, stories that will break down your initial expectations and surpass them, and things like found family, love (all kinds), and just an emotional rollercoaster in general. prepare snacks and tissues.

i'll start with the webtoon because that's where it started for me! honestly one of the things i look for most when i start a webtoon is the art. and there are times when even if i like the story, if the art ain't it for me, i'll drop the story 😭💀 but orv has such beautiful and crisp art, very edible art HAHAHA (both webtoon and novel by the way but i'll get to the novel in a bit) it makes me go so O.O sometimes. here's an example of the art, you might've seen it somewhere but i'm still adding it here for the pure beauty of these men named kim dokja and yoo joonghyuk AND ALSO han sooyoung and jung heewon (yes i'm gay, no it's not obvious /j). every character in this webtoon is so well drawn and just. chef's kiss okay, so if you like pretty art, you've got that right here folks.

moving on, the story seems, at first, like a very generic action fantasy webtoon where the world of a novel becomes reality and our mc aka kim dokja is the one who knows how to get to the end and he gets to meet his favourite novel’s protagonist yoo joonghyuk and decides to save the world. but as the story progresses on and on, it becomes so much more than that. the storytelling skills have to be applauded because webtoons can't use lots of words and have to convey things more concisely than their novel counterparts but they've done an amazing job of using the right dialogues in the right places with the right amount of impact. AND as of right now, the story is starting to head towards what i'd like to say is the actual beginning of this webtoon >:) that’s all i can say without spoiling some major things from the novel so,, yeah!

another beautiful part is the portrayal of each of the characters, especially kdj, and their different dynamics with kdj. now kim dokja is our mc and the main narrator of this entire thing so we’re quite limited in that sense because all we see and know is what kim dokja tells us through his narration. a lot of posts have accurately pinned him down as an unreliable narrator because he really only ever shows his companions (and us readers) one part of things and we’re all left to speculate about things. each companion holds a different opinion of kdj but all of them are united in the fact that they trust him to help them get through everything. while the webtoon hasn’t had a chance to explore that yet, i’m looking forward to how they will show it to us :] i’d say that this webtoon is worth a read also because kim dokja is the most mind boggling, intriguing and frustrating character you will ever meet. that’s a fact that’ll get clearer as you get closer to the recent chapters of the webtoon, but i love how he’s relatable in the sense that he both makes me screech in awe but also makes me want to wring his neck with how he is sometimes. i love him *holds him by the neck* (affectionately). oh and when i say every character is just a beautiful piece of art, i mean both their literal art and also the way they’ve been written, though it is more clear in the novel as of right now.

NOW i’m gonna move onto the webnovel because i honestly fell deeper into the rabbit hole purely because of the novel. and sing shong (the author of the webnovel) is an absolute genius for the way they have both intricately and simply pushed a single message throughout the length of the novel. i constantly joke about how reading the orv novel has changed my brain chemistry but i’m not joking most of the time because it really did. in many ways, i’m sure this is a novel i will remember for a very long time to come.

the same points i spoke about for the webtoon stand for the novel as well BUT of course the novel is just immaculately written and it deserves a chance of its own. it’s not that the writing of the novel is extraordinarily fancy or anything, it’s actually quite simple reading without too many complicated words but i think that has a beauty of its own. it’s able to convey what it needs to without having 10 pages of description and that’s awesome to me. there are issues with some things written in the novel but as it isn’t a focus or the point of orv (i got this point from this tumblr post, feel free to read through it if you want to because they have written some great points that can’t be said better by me!), it’s still a novel that entertains you to the fullest.

the characters are admittedly more fleshed out in the novel than the webtoon but that’s because the webtoon is still catching up while the novel is complete (it ended with epilogue chapters but recently the author came out with side stories). the relationships are just very detailed and it gives you a look into not only kim dokja’s head, but also yoo joonghyuk and other characters’ heads as well, though they’re not as common because the majority of the story is in kdj’s point of view. i’ve neglected mentioning other character names so far but kim dokja has a set of the most loyal and sweet and sometimes feral companions besides yoo joonghyuk like yoo sangah, who is someone kdj knew before the novel became their world, jung heewon and lee hyunsung, kdj’s trusty sword and shield, lee gilyoung and shin yoosung, his children (not biological but yes). there’s also lee jihye, an avid yoo joonghyuk follower who insults kdj at every turn but cares for him, and han sooyoung, who is portrayed as a bit of an antagonist or an anti-hero (as far as the webtoon goes anyway wink wink). and a lot of other characters you’ll grow to either love a lot or hate with a passion oR even have your opinion take a whole 180 about as you read on and on, that’s just the kinda novel this is.

don’t even get me started on the underlying themes of this novel. this is me being an english major (and psychology major unintentionally, double major woohoo) through and through but i love analysing characters and figuring out themes that come out through the writing. i won’t go too into the details so that i won’t spoil it for anyone who happens upon this post. but there’s the overarching theme of love; not just romantic love but also platonic love, familial love and the most important one of this novel, self-love. another theme i think is quite relevant and important to this story is more easily relatable to people who read often because it goes into how books can change you BUT you can also change books by reading them over and over again and understanding it better. also how stories can save you but you, as a reader, have the power to save stories by reading them. because in the end, a story continues because you read it. OH I CAN’T FORGET THIS, found family <3 if you’re a fan of found family, this is for you, it’s present throughout the story as a small but encompassing theme.

now this could be just me but i get extremely emotional when it comes to my favourite media, so i squeal with joy at happy parts, sob uncontrollably when sad scenes come up, punch my pillows when something makes me mad⏤ you get my point. and this novel gave me an entire rollercoaster of emotions and made me so URGH in good, bad and ugly ways. it kinda brings me back to my point about kdj being an unreliable narrator since the reason why it gets so hard and sad is because this man never tells anyone anything. he takes it upon himself to do everything, much to the annoyance and despair of his companions and us the readers. we know nothing other than what kdj is willing to tell us, not about his plans, not about him, not about his own feelings. and we’re left to guess and guess until everything is laid bare and then we’re still trying to. process everything. yeah i don’t know if this part is making any sense but i can’t really go into detail without majorly spoiling the story. so you’re gonna have to come back to my post once you’re done to be like “ohhh, right this is what they meant.” /j

To move to a lighter and probably my last point, the novel illustrations are gold i tell you. it’s done by a person named blackbox or bb-nim for short and i love just going through their art for fun. of course, if you’re reading it on a website like i did, then you’re not going to see the illustrations side by side so you should definitely check out blackbox’s twitter which i’ve linked here :] you’ll probably also find their art on pinterest. gorgeous art i tell you, BUT BUT BUT there are spoilers here and there so beware if you go digging through their media tab on their twt. I’ll put some of my favourite pieces that are as non-spoiler as possible under this

so. yeah. these are my reasons for why you should read both the orv webtoon and novel. In the end, all i can say is that if you give them a chance, you’ll probably get hooked just as i did. i knew to a certain extent about how the novel was but nothing prepared me enough but i’m not complaining because it is genuinely so good. i’ll add a list of content warnings here that i got from the wiki page because i don’t want anyone to be ambushed by anything they’re not comfortable with reading: graphic violence, death and murder, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, suicide, body horror, dissociation, transphobia (this might be a deal breaker and it would be for me too as a nonbinary person but it’s not a major focus and happens a couple times throughout the story), cephalopods, tentacles (yes these are real content warnings on the wiki HAHAHA), and finally hospitals.

to all of you who actually read this far, thank you! you are a great person for reading through a random person on the internet go on and on about a webtoon and novel, hope you have an awesome day/night ahead of you! if you have any questions about things in the webtoon or novel, feel free to hit me up, i’m always down to have conversations about orv (none of my irls have read it but i will use this essay to convince one of them to give it a chance so wish me luck). anyway, peace out folks! :]

[our-time-is-now]

September 2, 2019: Maybe suppressing it wasn’t the best thing to do?

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog. 

 Attention! This play includes transgender topics. For more details see our interjection.

Monday, 9:42 am:

WhatsApp, David/Matteo:

David (09:42): I cleared the breakfast table and did the dishes and now I miss you. But I guess I’ll get through it… somehow ;-) I know, I already told you, but I wish you a good start and I’m thinking of you. I’m curious to hear what you have to tell me about it tonight! Don’t let anybody flirt with you :-P See you later!

Matteo (09:44): I’m sitting in the subway and I miss you. I’m nervous somehow… But I’ll just think about the fact that I’ll see you when the day is over and then it’ll be okay. And hey, I can’t control that, I can only promise you not to flirt back ;-) See you later :*

David (09:50): I understand that you’re nervous. That’s somehow normal, isn’t it? I’m sure tomorrow it’ll already be better. Or over the course of the day. It’s nice that you don’t want to flirt with anyone. Maybe you should also mention every 30 minutes that you have a great boyfriend whom you love above anything ;-) Just so everyone knows and nobody gets any ideas… I’ll go unpack the rest of my clothes… there’s not much left. We shouldn’t have unpacked so much yesterday so that I would have more to do today… I hope you have a lot of fun! See you later!

Matteo (09:52): I’m there now and I’ll go inside in a minute. So only a quick reply: Good luck with unpacking and with passing the time, I’ll be in touch in my break :*

David (10:22): I know you’ll only read this later, but is it okay if I rearrange the stuff on the shelf a little differently? If I mix our stuff a little? I think that’ll look better… or should we rather keep everything separated?

David (10:38): You know what I just noticed? I’ve never(!) been at the flatshare all by myself… and now that I realize it it’s somehow really weird…

David (11:14): Well I just put everything into the shelf how I wanted to. If you don’t like it, then I’ll rearrange it again.

David (11:47): I’m almost done with unpacking the boxes. It’s still more than 6 hours until we see each other again. What did I do before I had you?

David (12:01): The post guy rang. I accepted a package for our upstairs neighbors. And I didn’t know if that was okay. Was that okay? Do we like them? Or are they stupid and we don’t accept any packages for them?

David (12:15): When did you say your break was?

Matteo (12:37): Finally on my break! And 6 messages from my boyfriend, what a reward. So one thing after the other: Of course you can rearrange the shelf, you can rearrange everything the way you want to. If I don’t like it, then I’ll just put it back again ;-) Did you get used to being at the flatshare all by yourself? You can loudly call “Hello Ech” and see what happens ;-) And I don’t know what you did before you had me. I know what I did before I had you: I smoked weed and played video games. I don’t know if that’s the best recommendation. :-) And haha, yes, the upstairs neighbors are okay. Well it could actually be three different apartments, but they’re all okay. And what are you doing now? Did you already eat? Everything’s okay here, by the way. Kay gave me another introduction, explained the house rules, introduced me to a few colleagues. I’ll start at the café at 1 pm and then I’ll continue from one thing to the next… we’ll see. I’m already looking forward to tonight… I think I forgot what you look like, you should send me a photo ;)

David (12:45): Yeah! A sign of life! Nice! :-) I’m slowly getting used to the empty flatshare - earlier I even briefly considered leaving the door open while peeing… but then I closed it out of habit, after all. But playing video games really is a good idea. Or sketching. I used to do that in the past. But I’m no longer sure if that’s even fun if you’re not sitting next to me making some weird comments… but I’ll give it a try. I haven’t eaten yet. I wanted to bring some empty boxes to the basement in a minute so that they won’t stand in the way anymore and then I wanted to go shopping. Do you need anything in particular? Should I buy you a after-work-beer or something? Your day actually sounds quite chill so far. I hope it’ll stay that way. Is everyone being nice to you? Has someone already flirted with you? I’m also really looking forward to tonight! *sends a photo of him looking very sad and below it it says: “I miss you!”* *immediately adds* And what did you look like again? Did you change over the last three hours?

Matteo (12:49): *smiles when he gets the photo and immediately saves it in his David-file* *then answers* Thank you for the beautiful photo. Peeing with an open door sounds great, you should just do it next time :) And yes, you should sketch, you can just imagine that I’m there making some stupid comments, I’m sure that’ll work… I don’t think that I need anything from the store, there should still be some beer left, you should check how much is left from the move. And yes, everyone is really nice and keeps telling me that I should always ask if I have any questions and so on… And no, miraculously enough no one has flirted with me yet, I can hardly believe it, either :-P *then sends a photo where he pouts and underneath it says: “ I miss you more!”*

David (12:55): I’ll test the peeing thing later… and in case anyone should come home early then I’ll just tell them that it was your idea ;-) I’m happy that everyone’s being nice to you. Although I would have been surprised if that weren’t the case! I’m sure it’ll get excited again later once the kids arrive. I hope you’ll get the chance to have some coffee and that you won’t have too much to do straight away. I’ll think of you when I sketch something! I promise! And when I go to the basement… and shopping… and the bathroom… and all the time, anyways! Anytime and any place! See you later, tesorino! <3<3<3

Matteo (12:58): Of course, it’s always my fault, that’s okay. Okay, I have to get going again, let Iris show me the café and everything. Hopefully I’ll also be able to have some coffee along the way. I don’t know how often I’ll be able to check my phone, but feel free to text me, I’ll just be happy whenever I look at it… Mi manchi, tesorino <3

David (13:34): I’ve just been to the basement and your bed actually would have fit in there, as well… at least since the second table is also in the kitchen. But I think it’ll be better taken care of at Alex’. It’s warmer there and it smells better. And it can talk to my stuff. Now I’ll go peeing again (yes, with the door open) and then I’ll go shopping… anche tu mi manchi!

David (14:02): *sends a photo of an apple that looks like a heart* I just had to think of you… <3

David (14:04): Oh and I just remembered: We already have half of our separation behind us! Yippieh!

David (14:37): There’s still no one here. I just made coffee and put the groceries away. Now I’m sitting in /our/ room (yes, I admit - at first it said “in your room”) on our bed and I’ll sketch a little in a minute… somehow the thought that for now every day will be like this is a little weird… that for now, we’ll be separated for so long every day. I don’t even remember this anymore. It’s so nice to always have you around. And now we’re faced with stupid reality… pfff… but we’ll somehow get used to it… and then be the more happy about it when we’re back with each other again.

David (15:23): *sends a photo of a sketch of him sitting on the bed sketching and Matteo lying next to him commenting on his sketch* *adds* I imagined that you were lying next to me… <3

David (15:42): The One by Kodaline is another song that fits us… sappy but nice. <3

David (16:20): Yeah! Hans is back from work! I’ll have a coffee with him now! And in a little more than two hours, you’ll finally be back here again with me!

David (18:00): YOU'RE DONE!!! So? How was your first day? Hurry up! I’m yearning for you!

Matteo (18:11): God, Schreibner, 8 texts, that’s embarrassing, one could think you miss me or something ;-) I’m at the stop now waiting for the city train. Should be here in 3 minutes and then a 17-minute ride and then a 5-minute walk and I’ll be there. But your afternoon sounds nice, the sketch looks great and the apple is very sappy. So it fits us :) What did you buy? Should I cook something for us when I’m home? I’m hungry… surprisingly enough. See you soon <3

Matteo (18:16): I’m on the train and there’s this guy opposite me who keeps looking over in a weird way. I thought I’d better keep myself busy with my phone…

Matteo (18:18): Oh and I don’t know The One you’ll have to show me later…

David (18:24): Dude, Florenzi - 3 texts within 17 minutes… you’re almost worse than I am :-P I bought all kinds of things. Only delicious stuff - and the apple. I figured we could do with some vitamins… Good thing that you’re hungry! So am I! But you don’t have to cook anything today… See you soon! :-*

Matteo: *has still read David’s answer but didn’t reply* *arrives at the flatshare around 6:40 pm and slightly runs up the stairs* *unlocks the door and immediately thinks that he can smell something* *wonders if Hans has cooked* *closes the door and was just about to call out when David already comes out of the kitchen* *beams automatically* Hey… *reaches him with two steps and hugs him* *presses his nose against his throat and breathes him in* *murmurs* Missed you!

David: *even though Hans has offered to help him, he had insisted on making a casserole all by himself and thought that it was nice that Hans retreated to his room to give the two of them some alone-time* *had been sitting in front of the oven for a while observing the casserole* *had tried how it tasted beforehand and thought it tastes quite good* *hopes that the taste doesn’t change too much in the oven* *eventually sets the table and puts out a beer for Matteo and a glass of water for himself* *then hears the front door at around 6:40 pm and feels his heart skip a beat because he’s so happy that Matteo is back again and also because he’s a little nervous to find out what Matteo will say to the food he prepared* *walks toward him and sees him beam* *can’t help but to beam back and holds Matteo in his arms less than a second later* *presses him close and kisses his neck* *makes a grumbling sound of pleasure and murmurs* So did I… *then moves away from him a bit and tenderly kisses him on the mouth before he lets go of him and takes two backwards steps into the kitchen* *is a little nervous now, after all, and points at the oven* *grins slightly and then says a little proudly* I cooked!

Matteo: *gets a kiss and actually wanted another one, but isn’t fast enough because David has already moved two steps away from him* *follows him into the kitchen and looks at the oven* *then hears David’s words and gapes at him* YOU cooked? Awesome! *squats in front of the oven and looks inside* Pasta casserole? *gets up again and grins at him* Thank you, now I’m really excited… *pulls David close again because he didn’t have him close for way too long, and wraps his arms around his waist* *tilts his head and grins slightly* How much longer does the food take? Do we still have some time?

David: *laughs quietly* Yes, awesome! *says a little teasingly* You and Laura weren’t there so no one could stop me… *lets Matteo pull him close again and wraps his arms around his neck* *slightly tilts his head and thinks, but then nods with a slight grin* We still have some time… *then kisses him again, this time a little longer, and squeezes him closer* *eventually murmurs in complaint* 9 hours are really long… do you have to go back there tomorrow?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* I’m very curious… if it’s good then you’ll always have to cook for me during the week now. *grins slightly and grins even more when he says that they still have time* *kisses him back and wraps his arms around him a little tighter* *immediately shakes his head at his question* No, I’ll quit tomorrow… *kisses him again and then a little longer once again* Or I’ll demand that you can come with me… then you’ll have to quit university, of course, so that you can come with me.

David: *laughs again quietly* Always!? Well, we’ll see… otherwise you might forget how to cook for yourself or something like that… *nods happily when Matteo says that he’ll quit tomorrow* Hmm… I’m all for it! *returns his kisses and plays a little with his hair* *grins slightly at his suggestion, humms in agreement and kisses him again* I will… *kisses him again and then says* Or you’ll just work from 10 to 2 and I’ll come with you and I’ll go to university from 2 to 6 and you’ll come with me in turn… *kisses him for longer again and then puts his forehead against Matteo���s* *enjoys it that he’s back again, but now asks more serious and with interest* Did you have a nice day?

Matteo: *grins slightly at David’s counterproposal* Sounds sensible, we’ll do that. *kisses him back and closes his eyes for a moment when their foreheads touch* *but then pulls back a little when he hears his question and nods slightly* Yeah, it was good, but also a lot… I was pushed around a lot, but that’s just how it is at first… on Wednesday I have to work earlier because Sannik is going to take me with him… the café shift was quite cool, somehow there’s always something going on there and there are a lot of different people there… *then hears a timer and looks at the oven* Should I take it out?

David: *listens to Matteo and smiles slightly* *was just about to answer him when the timer goes off* *shakes his head at his question and kisses him again* I’ll do it… why don’t you sit down… *lets go of him and grabs the pot holders to take the casserole out of the oven* *says in the meantime* But it’s somehow normal that it’s a lot at first… I’m sure it’ll get better over the next few days… *plates the casserole on the plates he had already taken out of the cabinet* What kind of people were there? And how did the teenagers react when they met you? *carries the plates to the table and grins slightly* *asks teasingly* Did one of them already flirt with you? *sits down and grabs his cutlery*

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Oh, the full service… not bad… *then sits down on the spot where there’s already a beer* *thinks when he hears his question* All kinds of people… apparently there are two, three groups who are regulars and come in pretty often… but today only one of them was in, but they all were really nice and introduced themselves and so on… *then laughs and shakes his head* No, nonsense… no one did… *then also reaches for his cutlery* And I also don’t think that they will…

David: *listens to him again and smiles* Sounds really nice… *then hears that no one has flirted with him and laughs quietly* Or you just didn’t notice… that can happen… it already happened to me… *briefly looks at the food and then at Matteo* Well then… enjoy… and to your first official day of work! *puts the first bite onto his fork and adds with a slight grin* And to us, because we managed to survive the first nine hours of being separated… *blows on his noodles and then puts them in his mouth* *thinks that it actually tastes pretty good, but still steals a glance at Matteo and waits for his verdict*

Matteo: *laughs quietly* Yes, that can happen… when you come visit me, then you can tell me… *smiles slightly and leans over again to kiss him* Enjoy, and thanks for cooking… *then also puts the first bite onto his fork and then hears David’s words* Oh yes… it was really tough… but I guess that’s good training for the weekend… *grimaces slightly when he thinks about it* *but then takes the first bite and was about to smile when he sees that David is watching him* *therefore stays serious and looks at him* Well, this is… *slightly shakes his head, but then grins, after all* ...really delicious! *immediately eats a bigger bite*

David: *nods with a slight grin* I will do that… and I’ll introduce myself to everyone as your boyfriend! *then smiles when he kisses him again and when he thanks him* *shrugs slightly* I thought to celebrate the occasion… *also grimaces when he mentions the weekend and groans quietly* *murmurs* I want to suppress that thought until Thursday, okay? *then watches Matteo when he puts the first bite into his mouth and looks skeptical when he stays so serious* *but then sees him grin and hears that he likes it and gives him the secretary’s-office-look, because he kept him in suspense like that* *murmurs* Ass… *but quickly looks peaceable again and adds* But it’s nice that you like it… maybe I’ll really do that more often from now on… *also puts another bite into his mouth and then asks* And did you already see any workshops or courses or anything?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Just to make sure… *nods immediately when he says that he wants to suppress thinking about the weekend* Yes, I would also like to… *then laughs again when he calls him an ass* No, really, it tastes great! *grins and nods* Sure, do that… I’m happy if there’s food on the table when I come home… *puts another bite into his mouth and nods at his question* *chews and swallows* Well most courses are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but today the ‘Youths’ had an unscheduled meeting, that are all LGBT guys up to 19 years, and it’s lead by Ines and Jana, but Jana is a volunteer…

David: *is quite glad that Matteo also still wants to suppress thinking about the weekend and then really quickly pushes it aside* *is really happy that Matteo likes the food and hopes that now he’s allowed to at least sometimes help with cooking when he wants to* *but usually likes their separation of chores and that Matteo usually cooks* *therefore pffs slightly at his macho comment and says* More often isn’t always… every now and then… if I feel like it… and miss you especially much… or something… *then listens to him when he keeps telling him about Lambda and realizes that somehow this is a completely different kind of conversation they are having - that right now, Matteo is really telling him about his day and what he experienced* *briefly imagines what it will be like when he’s in university, as well, and when they can tell each other about their days in the evening and smiles at the thought that they then will really have something like an everyday-life together* *but then quickly concentrates on Matteo again and nods at what he told him* And were you also there today? What kinds of things are they doing there? Or do they just talk and hang out?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* That was only a joke… I can also still cook when I come home from work… or can bring takeaway or whatever… *then nods slightly at his next question* Yes, but not for thaaat long, only in the beginning… and yes, they are doing a lot of different things, sometimes they only hang out, sometimes they have specific topics that they are talking about, sometimes they cook or go to the movies or do other things together… *takes another bite* I think the main thing about all of these courses is to be together with likeminded people…

David: *grins slightly* Bringing takeaway also sounds nice… we just can’t do that too often… otherwise it’ll get too expensive… *listens to him when he tells him about the group and smiles slightly* That sounds cool… having something like that… a group of likeminded people. *has to think about the fact that he never had that - that he didn’t even know anyone gay or lesbian, because in Lychen and Fürstenberg they either didn’t exist or they didn’t dare come out - and that knowing a real person with similar problems might have done him some good* *takes another bite, chews and then says with his mouth half-full* I should have made use of the time today to take a closer look at their homepage… *swallows* What else is there? Only such general groups or also more specific ones? Like groups only for gays… or something like that?

Matteo: *nods when he says that it sounds cool* Yes, it is, I think… well there’s also a group for older people, but they meet up later… there’s one only for female bisexuals, the BiChicks, and then there’s one for trans youth, the Transformerz… *smiles slightly* I’d like to meet the person who came up with the name. They always meet up on Mondays and Fridays at 6:30… *takes another bite and then says* There’s nothing only for gays, at least I didn’t see anything in the program… most of them are also led by volunteers, especially the ones who meet up later in the day…

David: *listens to Matteo and grimaces in amusement when he mentions the name of the trans group* Transformerz?! *laughs* Oh God… *shakes his head and finds the name very horrible* *still hears the rest of what he tells him, but his thoughts are somehow still with the trans group* *nods and humms when Matteo finishes* *swallows down his bite and then asks hesitantly* And in the trans group… *slightly shakes his head because he’s pretty sure that Matteo can’t tell him too much about it yet* *therefore starts again* Hmmm… you probably don’t know too much about it, yet, either… well, how many people are in this group… and if there are more ftms or more mtfs or something… *briefly lowers his gaze and then laughs quietly* *grimaces slightly and then asks* Does it somehow sound stupid if I tell you that I really would like to meet someone who’s also trans? I mean, live… and not just via the internet… *puts another bite into his mouth and then shrugs and says* Maybe I should check it out…

Matteo: *laughs* Yes, I also find it… meh... *then looks at him when he’s interested in the trans group* *smiles slightly* *says almost apologetically* No, sorry, I don’t know any of those things, yet… but have a look at the homepage, I think there’s also an email address, I’m sure you could also write them… *immediately shakes his head at his question* Doesn’t sound stupid at all… before I met Hans, I’ve never met anyone gay, either… or well, not that I was aware of… *then grins broadly when he says he should go there* Yes, totally, do that… you’ll have a whole bunch of trans people there and you can pick the cool ones to become friends with…

David: *nods when Matteo says that he doesn’t know anything about the trans group yet* *already thought so* *grins slightly when he says that before Hans, he’s never met anyone who’s gay and says* Well, with most gay people… or many people from the LGBT+ community in general, you can’t really tell… *takes a sip and nods again* *then laughs quietly* Well, I wouldn’t necessarily go there to make friends with anyone… that would be more of a cool side effect. But it would be nice to just exchange experiences… or to see what doctors the others have and stuff like that… *stabs a few more noodles onto his fork* But if the group is on Fridays, then I guess I’ll postpone this to sometime after the mastectomy… *realizes once again how quickly all of this is happening now - this Friday, Matteo won’t be here, and the Friday after that is already the date of the mastectomy* *but now prefers to quickly change the subject instead of thinking about that* And do you already know what’s planned for tomorrow?

Matteo: *nods immediately* Yes, sure… but just no one where I knew about it… *then grins when David plays it down* Yes, I get it… just how others feel… I’d also be interested. *then nods when he says that he’ll postpone it until after the mastectomy* Yes, once you recuperated… then you can also immediately talk about it if you want to. *shakes his head at his question* No, not really, Kay said that tomorrow, there’ll be a few people from the team there that weren’t there today and he wants me to accompany some of them… so I’ll see… *takes a big bite*

David: *humms in agreement when Matteo says that he can talk about the mastectomy and keeps eating* *can’t really imagine telling strangers about it but thinks that it might be different if the people are also trans… that some of them might also already have had their mastectomy or some of them might also want to do it* *smiles slightly when Matteo tells him about his not-so-real plan for tomorrow and takes a sip before he answers* But that also sounds quite chill for now… *then looks at him lovingly, because he realizes once again that Matteo has started work and that he has already finished his first day* *realizes that he’s really a little proud of him and eventually asks quietly* And did your nervousness subside over the course of the day?

Matteo: *nods immediately* Yes, I think so, too… to first get a bit of a feel of what goes on there during the day and such… *takes a big bite and then has to chew and swallow first before he can answer* *washes it down with a big gulp of beer* Well, that really went quite well… Kay also immediately noticed and told me that it’s totally normal if you’re nervous on your first day, but that I don’t have to worry, that everyone’s nice and will answer questions and so on… *shrugs one shoulder and grins* And it’s true… *then takes the last bite from his food and leans back* And what about you? Is my… umm… our room completely rearranged and redecorated now? *grins slightly*

David: *also nods* Exactly… and that won’t be much different during the next few days… until you have an idea of how things are done and so on… *then listen to him and is happy that the nervousness disappeared over the course of the day* *smiles* I’m happy for you - that sounds really good… *then sees that he has finished his food and points at the oven where the casserole is* Do you want more? I’m afraid I made too much… *grins very broadly when he also slips up when it comes to talking about their room* *shakes his head and says with a grin* /Our/ room looks good… almost like it did this morning… only with fewer boxes and fuller shelves and desks… I still have some stuff lying around on the desk… especially the sketches that were up in my old room. I’ll have to see what I’ll do with it. I really need a new folder to store them - my old one is pretty full. Maybe I’ll go into town tomorrow to buy a new one… *also pops the last bite of food into his mouth*

Matteo: *grins slightly when he says that he’s happy* Thanks, yes, I hope I’ll quickly be able to get the gist of it… *then looks at the oven and considers briefly* No, maybe later… and if not, then the others would surely also be happy about food… *listens to what he tells him and nods* I want to have a look at it in a minute… but hey, you can also hang up some of it or so… you always said that my walls are so bare… *drinks another sip of beer* You do that… kill some time… *smiles slightly*

David: *nods and shrugs* Hans already ate… he said he can only eat some bread in the evening if he already ate at the cafeteria for lunch because there are some secret fats in the cafeteria food that are bad for his figure or something… *hasn’t really been listening to Hans and instead only nodded in understanding* And Linn and Laura want to go see a movie - they’ll surely eat something on the way… but I’ll just put it in the fridge… then we’ll finish it tomorrow… *nods when Matteo says that he wants to have a look at the room and then briefly gnaws on his bottom lip at his suggestion* *nods hesitantly* Yes, true… they are… but I didn’t want to just hang up things… *slightly shakes his head* You can have a look later if you like some of it and then we’ll think about where to put it together?

Matteo: *nods at his information about the roommates* I see… oh, the way I know me, I’ll be hungry again in an hour… *then looks at him a little confused* Huh? Why not? *also shakes his head* Hey, that’s also your room now, and I want you to feel at home there and that you decorate it… and if there’s something I don’t like, then I’ll tell you… but of course you can just hang up things… *briefly thinks about if there are any exceptions* You’re just not allowed to take down your gift from above the bed… and if you want to put up naked women or something, then we also might have to talk again for a moment…

David: *looks back confused when Matteo looks confused* Well because… *then stops because the only argument he can think of is that saying they are Matteo’s walls doesn’t count any longer* *realizes that it’s apparently difficult for him, after all, to fully realize it* *smiles slightly at Matteo’s next words and nods slightly* *says quietly* Okay… I’ll trust you that you’ll tell me if there’s something you don’t like… *smiles even more when he says that he isn’t allowed to take down his gift and nods* *then laughs loudly at his last thought* Oh damn… now I don’t know where to put all my posters of naked women… maybe Hans wants to have them… *leans forward and kisses him briefly* *asks quietly against his lips* What am I supposed to do with naked women when I have /you/, huh?! *moves away again and grins slightly* *then reaches for their plates and collects them to wash them later* *is quite glad that he has already cleaned up the chaos from cooking and that now he really only has to clean the plates and the cutlery so that they’ll have more time to themselves later*

Matteo: *grins when he agrees with him* You can do that… *then laughs slightly* Hans will surely want them… or Abdi… hey, Abdi for sure. *then grins into the kiss and then shakes his head* Charmer… *sees him get up and clear the table* *also gets up and helps him carry everything to the sink* I can do the dishes… you already cooked…

David: *grins when Matteo mentions Abdi and nods in amusement* True! So /if/ I had countless posters of naked women, /then/ I’d surely give them to Abdi. *laughs quietly* We better not tell him - otherwise he’ll be sad that he won’t get any… *smiles when Matteo helps him carry the stuff to the sink and offers to help* *lets water into the sink and slightly shakes his head* It won’t take long… you can already cover the casserole and put it in the fridge... *then looks at him and lightly bumps his shoulder against his* *realizes that he’s really yearning for him and that he has to catch up on some physical contact and is already looking forward to their time in their room soon*

Matteo: *laughs* Yep, but this might be an idea for his next birthday… *looks skeptical for a moment and considers arguing with him about doing the dishes, but then drops it* *gets the tin foil out of the cabinet and covers the casserole* *then puts it in the shelf of the fridge that now has the post-it “Matteo + David” on it* *then steps behind David, who’s still doing the dishes, wraps his arms around him and puts his head onto his shoulder* *can see that he only has the cutlery left to clean* *kisses his throat and grumbles slightly pleasantly* *says quietly* Let’s go to bed soon?

David: *starts doing the dishes and, out of the corner of his eyes, watches Matteo cover the casserole and put it into the fridge* *then feels his arms around his stomach and slightly leans against him while he cleans the cutlery* *is tempted to close his eyes when Matteo kisses his neck and also grumbles quietly and pleasantly* *nods at his question and puts the cutlery on the sink to dry* *just stays in Matteo’s arms for a moment, but eventually grabs the dish towel from next to the sink and dries his hands before he turns around in Matteo’s arms* *leans his forehead against Matteo’s and now really closes his eyes for a moment* *then kisses him tenderly onto his mouth and quietly asks again* Bed?

Matteo: *smiles slightly when David stops a little and holds him a little tighter* *also closes his eyes when David turns around to him* *tenderly kisses him back and nods immediately* Yes, please! *slowly pulls away from him and leads the way to their room* *takes a look around and then turns around to him with a grin* Looks good… like you have been living here for months… *pulls him close and kisses him again* *then pulls away again to take off his shoes and drops down onto the bed*

David: *smiles when Matteo agrees to the bed-plan and follows him to their room* *grins slightly when he looks around and then hears his comment and lifts his eyebrows in amusement* That’s what I’ve actually been doing… the only thing that was missing were a few personal things… *briefly wraps an arm around his hip when he pulls him close, returns his kiss and nudges his nose against his before they pull apart again* *closes the door and laughs quietly when he drops down onto the bed at the same time Matteo does* *then scoots up so that his head is a little higher and holds his arms out for Matteo* *waits for him to cuddle close, then kisses his hair and asks* And what do you think how long it will take us for our yearning-batteries are recharged again?

Matteo: *immediately crawls into David’s arms and puts his head down on his throat* *grumbles pleasantly* Hmmm… at least one hour… if not two… *wraps one arm around David’s middle and kisses his neck* *then just stays like that for a moment before he quietly says* It was really weird so completely without you… when I was at the café, one of the teenagers told a joke and I immediately turned around to see if you’re also laughing… *laughs quietly* Now I don’t even remember the joke…

David: *wraps his arms around Matteo and also grumbles pleasantly* At least one, two hours, I’d say… *runs his hand through his hair and kisses his forehead* *then closes his eyes and enjoys having the familiar closeness and the familiar Matteo-smell back* *listens to him when he starts talking and nods slightly when he says that it was weird today* *can understand that* *smiles slightly when he tells him about the teenager and squeezes him a little closer* *murmurs quietly* I’m sure I would have also laughed… *then admits* I’m no longer used to the quiet when I sketch… I mean, it’s not like you usually chatter all the time… but you just sometimes laugh if you read something funny… or you’re happy if you manage a level or you huff quietly if you screw up a level… or sometimes you just reposition yourself on the bed… I never noticed how much of a difference those small sounds make and show me that you’re there… I only noticed that today when they were no longer there… *really felt like he was alone for the first time in a long time and realized that this fact bothers him much more than it used to*

Matteo: *laughs quietly when he says that he would have laughed* I think so, too… *then listens to him when he tells him that he misses the small sounds* *can somehow understand that* *then remembers that David didn’t have a problem with being alone before they got together* *feels this pleasant tugging and turns his head a little so that he can kiss him properly* *says quietly* I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to huff… and that you can no longer be alone because of me… *kisses him again and then smiles slightly* Although, no, I’m not sorry for the latter…

David: *slightly moves towards Matteo when he realizes that he wants to kiss him and returns the kiss* *then grins slightly when he apologizes that he didn’t huff, but then gets more serious again and slightly shakes his head at his addition* *tenderly cards through his hair when he kisses him again and then also smiles when he takes his apology back* *swallows slightly and then says quietly* And you don’t have to… you just showed me pretty quickly that being alone is actually pretty crap… *then turns a little more toward him, so that he can look at him better, and tenderly runs his hand over his side* *finally says with a slight chuckle* Maybe I’ll record a few of your noises soon and play them when you’re not there…

Matteo: *smiles slightly when he says that being alone is crap* I think so, too… *wraps his arm around him again when he turns to him* *then laughs at his suggestion* That’s a little creepy… but if it helps then do it… *grins slightly and kisses him again, simply because he’s on withdrawal* But then I also want messages from you that I can listen to when I miss you too much…

David: *laughs quietly when Matteo says that this is creepy and shrugs one shoulder* No idea if it’ll help… but it’s worth a try… *grins slightly when Matteo kisses him again and then also kisses him* *then sighs quietly because right now he finds it so nice that Matteo is with him again* *nods with a slight grin when he hears his demand* You’ll get that… I’ll start tomorrow! I’ll take turns with sending you voice messages and written messages… *tenderly puts a hand on his cheek and briefly kisses him again before he asks quietly* Do you think we’ll get used to it quickly… that we won’t be together as much anymore?

Matteo: *grins slightly* Very nice… *kisses him back and runs his hand a little along his side* *then sighs at his question* Don’t know… it sucks somehow, because I actually don’t want to get used to it… but on the other hand, it’ll just be a big part of our daily life from now on… *looks at him and pouts a little* What do you think?

David: *nods at Matteo’s answer, because he knows exactly what he means* *smiles slightly when Matteo pouts and runs his hand over it to wipe it away* I don’t know… *briefly closes his eyes and sighs briefly* I don’t want to get used to being so happy to have you back… and I want us to continue to text each other so much when we don’t see each other… and that we’re thinking of each other… but… no idea… I think I also want that the yearning won’t stay that strong that you can barely think of anything else… *slightly shakes his head* Maybe I just felt like this today, because I’m really not used to it anymore… and because I didn’t really have anything important to do. Maybe it’ll get better when uni starts and we both have our everyday life… *grins slightly, kisses him again and says* Because that actually doesn’t feel that bad, either… being able to say that /we have an everyday life together/… *emphasizes those words especially and shrugs one shoulder with a grin* ...a little like an established couple with routines… *smiles and lets his hand slip into Matteo’s hair* ...as long as it doesn’t get too much everyday life or we somehow lose each other in it or something… but earlier, when you told me about your day… that was somehow pretty nice, wasn’t it?

Matteo: *nods slightly when he talks and when he seems to understand what he wasn’t able to voice as well* Yes, exactly… well I do want to miss you and be happy when we see each other again… but exactly, it shouldn’t be so prevalent somehow… *slightly nods again when he talks about everyday life* *laughs slightly when he emphasizes the words like that* *then grins* Yes, exactly… when we both have arrived in our everyday lives and when everything gets a little more in a routine… and we still are happy and do something and so on… *runs his hand through David’s hair and plays a little with the strands* Yes, I also found that nice… having an exchange about how our days were and what happened… *then sighs slightly and kisses him again* But I still love spending my day with you the most…

David: *is happy that Matteo seems to understand what he means and nods* Exactly! *closes his eyes for a moment and smiles when Matteo starts playing with his hair, because he somehow likes it how he sometimes totally loses himself while he does that* *humms in agreement and says quietly* Exactly. And in October, when university starts, then I’ll also have more exciting things to tell you than what happens at the flatshare over the course of the day - which is nothing, because everyone’s at work. *grins slightly, but gets more serious again when Matteo kisses him again* *feels a strong tingling of love in his stomach when he hears his next words, because the fact that Matteo feels the same makes him so happy and because it’s still unbelievable and unreal that he’s the one who can make sure that Matteo is doing good and that he’s happy* *smiles at him lovingly and says quietly* And when I can spend mine with you… *puts his hand on his cheek and suggests* The next time when we have a day all to ourselves, we’ll make something special out of it, okay? With eating in bed and movies and a lot of talking and making out and such… umm, unless you’d rather do something… then we can also do something… *briefly wonders when they might have a day all to themselves again, but stops thinking about it when he realizes that this definitely won’t be the case during the next two weeks*

Matteo: *humms in agreement when he talks about October and university* *smiles when he returns his words and tells him that he loves spending his days with him the most* That’s a good fit, then… *looks at him when he puts his hand on his cheek* *smiles at his suggestion and nods immediately* No, I don’t want to do anything… only you and I… *already wants to talk about Saturday when he remembers that he won’t be there on that day and that after that, there’s already the mastectomy* *sighs slightly* Then on the Saturday after the mastectomy… then you can’t really be very active, anyways, so we’ll spend that day in bed… *remembers that then they’ll also have to forgo sex and regrets the fact that they didn’t enjoy the last weekend they had all to themselves more consciously*

David: *smiles and nods slightly when Matteo says that they won’t do anything when they have a day to themselves again* *then hears him sigh and also sighs quietly at his words* *grimaces slightly and tenderly strokes his cheek again, but then lowers his hand and turns this head toward the ceiling in thought* *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then says quietly and a little bitterly* More likely on the Saturday when I’ll be back from the hospital… in three weeks… *sighs again quietly and then looks at him again with raised eyebrows* Three weeks… *slightly shakes his head and then says* I feel like somehow we’re moving from an absolute non-stop couple quality-time phase into a non-stop constantly missing-each-other hardly-time-for-each-other phase…

Matteo: *nods slightly when David corrects him bitterly* Yes, that’s what I meant… well I’ll also be at the hospital on Saturday, but I meant when you’re back again… *grimaces when he emphasizes the three weeks so much again* *shakes his head* No… well maybe a little… but we’ll see each other, all the time in between and as often as we can manage… *then sighs slightly* Yes okay, this weekend will be hard… but then… *looks at him and stills the hand in his hair* We’ll just make the best out of it when we see each other, okay? *also thinks that David is somewhat right, btu wants to cheer him up and doesn’t want him to feel so dejected*

David: *frowns when Matteo puts his words a little into perspective* *thinks that he’s right about it, of course, when he says that they’ll see each other as often as possible, but still thinks that it will be a huge difference to how it was before and especially how it was on their holiday* *grimaces slightly when he mentions this weekend and doesn’t really think that it will be easier afterwards because then - if at all, they’ll also only have the evenings to themselves and that he’ll have to go to the hospital immediately afterwards* *nods at his words, even though right now he feels like being apart from Matteo bother him much more than it does him* *wonders if it’s because Matteo will be busy - both now during the week as well as on the weekend - and thinks that then it’s somehow obvious that he doesn’t have as much time to miss him* *still thinks that this somehow sucks* *sighs quietly and nods again* Yes sure, of course… we’ll do that… *turns away from him and then reaches for the bottle of water next to the bed* *sits up and takes a sip*

Matteo: *sees David frown and even grimace slightly* *suddenly regrets having worded it so offhandedly and wonders if he might have angered David with it* *hears his answer and then sees him turn away and even sit up* *says softly* Hey… the battery isn’t fully recharged yet… *sees David continue to drink and also sits up* *turns so that he’s sitting across from him and looks at him* Hey, do you think I like that? I don’t want that, either… not at all, zero, oh a negative thousand… I… *slightly shrugs one shoulder* I thought that it’s easier if I play it down…

David: *smiles slightly when Matteo says that the battery isn’t fully charged yet, but somehow still needs a moment to himself right now* *out of the corner of his eyes he sees that Matteo also sits up, and lowers the bottle when he sits down across from him* *hears his question and shrugs* *thinks that they never really talked about it - only briefly one time when they saw the plan - and that they managed to suppress this topic quite well over the last few days and weeks* *slowly screws the lid back onto the bottle while he listens to Matteo and suddenly feels a little relieved when he hears how little Matteo wants to go to the seminar* *then shakes his head a little at his last words and murmurs* Somehow it isn’t… *then exhales slowly and says* We never really talked about it… we always kept saying that we didn’t want to think about it just yet… but the question is when do we want to think and talk about it… I don’t know, we can’t just think about the fact that you’ll be gone for three days on Thursday or Friday night… *slightly shakes his head and looks at the bottle while he quietly admits* When you played it down just now, I thought that it might not bother you as much… and that I’m maybe making a fuss and that I should pull myself together…

Matteo: *sighs slightly when he says that this somehow doesn't make it any better* *listens to him and has to agree with him* *says carefully* Maybe suppressing it wasn’t the best thing to do? *shakes his head at his last words* But I do care… a lot… and yes, maybe you’re right, maybe we should talk about it… because I have this feeling that this will happen again in the future… that there’s a lot to do, at work for me or at university for you… *grimaces slightly* And it sucks if then we’ll only suppress it… *looks at him and then says a little hesitantly* So a round of honesty, okay? I’ll start. *takes a deep breath* I have no idea how I’m supposed to manage two nights without you. I’m scared about that the most. That I’ll be lying in this stupid bed and that I’ll miss you so much that I won’t be able to sleep.

David: *smiles slightly at Matteo’s words and shakes his head* Not really, no. *looks at him again when he says that he does care and smiles again, albeit a little sadly, because he doesn’t really want them to “suffer” like this, but because he’s also relieved because apparently Matteo sees it the same way he does, after all* *then nods when he says that this will happen again and murmurs quietly* Yes, a real everyday life… *nods again, this time a little more, and exhales in relief* *smiles when he proposes a round of honesty and nods* Okay… *looks at him and listens to him* *would love to embrace him for what he’s saying, but somehow feels like right now, the distance is doing them some good so that they can concentrate better* *instead looks at him lovingly and says quietly when he finishes* I’m also scared of the nights… and that I won’t be able to fall asleep without you… *slightly shakes his head and says hesitantly* Maybe then we can simply text each other? And before we go to bed, we’ll definitely talk on the phone again? I’d say we’ll talk on the phone until the first one of us falls asleep, but I’m afraid you won’t get a single room…

Matteo: *immediately realizes that David is also scared about the nights and now understands even more why his tactic of taking it so lightly earlier wasn’t good* *immediately smiles at his suggestion* Talking on the phone sounds good… well then I’ll just go outside and we’ll text when we’re in bed… and send each other embarrassing photos that could be used against us… *really feels a little better now, because they were able to talk about it and develop mechanisms against it* *carefully nudges against his knee* Now it’s your turn… round of honesty… let it all out…

David: *grins slightly when Matteo talks about embarrassing photos, but then says a little desperately* Yes please! And not only at night in bed! The whole day! Every hour or something… *laughs quietly and lowers his gaze a little embarrassed* Yes, okay, you maybe won’t be able to manage one every hour… but… no idea… just often… *feels that talking about it did him some good and wonders why they haven’t done this much sooner* *then gets nudged against his knee and looks up at him again* *sighs quietly when he tells him that it’s his turn now and gets more serious again* I’m scared of the scope… I mean, it’s more than 50 hours… and today I was always able to cheer myself up by remembering that you’ll be back in a few hours or minutes… I think with the normal everyday life that we’re about to face it’ll be okay at some point… we’ll both be able to manage that, I’m sure of it. There will be days where it’ll be easy and days where it’ll be difficult, but even on the days where it’s difficult you can be comforted by the fact that it’ll only be a few hours until we see each other again… but an entire weekend… with so many hours… *shrugs slightly*

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he demands a photo every hour* I’ll try my best… as often as I can manage… *slightly tilts his head and listens to him* *can understand his fear and also thinks that a weekend sounds like forever and insurmountable* *suddenly has to think about his mother, who, when he didn’t want to tidy up, used to tell him to just start with one corner* *says hesitantly* You know… maybe we shouldn’t think of the weekend as a weekend…. maybe we should just think about it in smaller sections… for example, the lunch break is in three hours, then we can talk on the phone… or in 10 minutes, I can go to the bathroom again and send you a pointless message… you know, we can break up the weekend into small sections… bit by bit… hour by hour… minute by minute…

David: *smiles slightly when Matteo says that he’ll try and that he’ll get a photo as often as possible* *frowns slightly when he suggests to not think of the weekend as a weekend, and at first doesn’t quite understand what he means* *but then smiles a little when he gets it and mulls over the thought* *smiles more when he finishes and when he’s talking about breaking it up* Breaking it up, huh… *laughs quietly and nods hesitantly* I think that would really make it easier… do you think you’ll get a schedule or something like that? Of what the day will look like? Something so that we can orientate ourselves? *would really like to have something like that, so that he can imagine at least to some extent what Matteo might be doing at that moment if he misses him too much*

Matteo: *nods when David seems to understand* Exactly, break it up… *then also smiles slightly at his question* I hope so… and if not, then I’ll just ask… they’ll surely have some agenda… I’ll take a photo of it for you… *reaches his hand out for him and manages to take his hand* So we’ll try it like that, okay? And if it’s totally stupid, then we’ll tell each other straight away, alright?

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he’ll take a photo of the agenda and nods* Yes, please! *then laughs quietly* And I’ll also make you one… of my incredibly eventful weekend! *sighs quietly and realizes that he’s slowly starting to feel a little better* *entwines their fingers when Matteo takes his hand and looks at him* *nods at his questions* We will! *then tilts his head a little and asks with a smile* Anything else for the round of truth? Anything you’re scared of, anything that sucks, anything that we have suppressed talking about?

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he says that he’ll also make one* Very good, then we can coordinate the times when we’ll talk on the phone… *automatically tilts his head, as well, when David does* *slightly presses his lips together when he hears his question, because he has to think about the mastectomy* *but doesn’t know if he should mention it, because there isn’t a solution to make it any different* *but thinks that they are honest and that they said that they shouldn’t suppress it any longer* *sighs slightly* Your surgery… well I know we already talk about it… and I actually also know what’s about to happen and what the risks are and such, but… I’m still scared, and sometimes… when I think about it then I have to force myself not to think about it, because… otherwise I’ll get scared… *takes a deep breath and then adds* And I know that you’re really looking forward to it and I’m also really happy for you, but I’m still scared.

David: *nods immediately when Matteo mentions the mastectomy, because just then he realizes that this is also a topic that they are very good at suppressing and postponing really talking about* *listens to him seriously and wishes once again that he could somehow relieve him of this fear, but is pretty much aware of the fact that that’s not really possible* *slightly shakes his head when he finishes and squeezes his hand* Matteo, I don’t doubt for even a second that you’re not happy for me! The one thing doesn’t have anything to do with the other, okay? *sighs quietly and thinks about what he could say about his fear and eventually says hesitantly* And I think it's totally and absolutely legitimate to be scared. I sometimes feel like you think someone would judge you for being scared for me. But that’s not the case. And even if, then just screw them. You’re allowed to be scared! And you’re also allowed to say that you’re scared. And even though there’s no solution or cure or anything about the fear at that moment… *slightly shakes his head* … no idea… then it might be some use if you’re not alone with that fear? *shrugs one shoulder and looks at him carefully* I don’t know… is that any use? *scoots a little closer to him and tenderly runs his hand through his hair and over his cheek* *then leaves his hand there and says quietly* I’m also scared! *knows that his fear isn’t comparable to Matteo’s and also feels more happiness and disbelief than fear, but thinks that it might be important for Matteo to hear that he’s not the only one who’s scared* *therefore adds* And Laura… and my mother… and Linn…

Matteo: *smiles slightly when he confirms that he knows that he’s happy for hom* *finds it good to hear that he can separate that* *swallows slightly when he says that it’s legitimate to be scared and that it’s nothing that you have to hide* *then hears his question and slightly shrugs one shoulder* *doesn’t really know if it will help* Dunno… maybe… *presses his lips together when he says that he’s also scared and when he lists even more people who are scared* *doesn’t think that this helps him very much because the fear is his fear* *tries to put that into words* I don’t know… of course other people are also scared, I know that… but I think that doesn’t really help… that’s their fear and not mine… I just have to learn to somehow deal with my fear…

David: *tenderly strokes his cheek again, but then lets go of him again to give him the necessary space to think* *listens to him and nods hesitantly* *still takes a moment to understand what he means and asks hesitantly* And did you… *slightly shakes his head and stops, because at that moment he realizes something different* *smiles slightly and asks hesitantly* Wanting, not having to, right? Well you don’t /have/ to learn how to deal with it, you rather /want/ to, don’t you? *shrugs one shoulder* Sorry, I was somehow thinking about your grandmother… *then takes a deep breath and gets serious again* *then does pick up his question from the beginning, after all* Did you already try something? Or do you have any ideas what you might try? *thinks that suppressing and avoiding might not be the best strategy*

Matteo: *looks a little confused when he stops his question* *but then has to smile immediately when he corrects himself* True… I /want/ to learn how to deal with it… *smiles slightly* It’s okay, she’s right… *tilts his head when he then asks his question* *fumbles with the blanket with his free hand* Hmmm, well, yes, I try to rationalize it… well I try to argue with myself with logic… that statistically speaking, it’s totally unlikely that you won’t be able to tolerate the anesthesia… that the success rate of your surgeon is very high… stuff like that… *shrugs one shoulder* Sometimes it works better, sometimes not so much…

David: *smiles when Matteo laughs and agrees with him about his grandmother* *then listens to him, humms in agreement and nods slowly* *has to think about the fact that this was one of the methods that he used to utilize with his therapist and that he used to tell him that it’s all a matter of practise* Hmm, but that’s already a good start… *hesitates briefly and then says a little hesitant and disjointedly* Back then, when I was doing so badly… the weeks before I came to Berlin… I also had a lot of fears back then… and some of them weren’t really rational, either… that was the time when I wasn’t able to sleep. Then I suddenly had thoughts such as… no idea… if I go pee at school, what if they’re lying in wait for me in the bathroom… what happens if they come into the changing rooms during PE… what happens if they have connections and cause my name change and change of personal status to be rejected… and I had dreams that kept coming back… that I will no longer get a prescription for testo and that my transition goes the wrong way… or that my hair suddenly grows again and I wasn’t able to find scissors to cut them again… stuff like that… *slightly shakes his head as if to pull himself out of his thoughts* *sighs quietly and looks at Matteo* *doesn’t really want to talk about himself and therefore quickly adds why he told him about that* And back then, my therapist had a few different methods that he showed me and that we tried… *grins slightly* One of them was exercise and burning off energy… because when you exercise you don’t think that much and because you’re able to fall asleep faster if you burnt off energy and because you’re too tired to think… that’s probably not an option for you, is it? *then gets more serious again* But also relaxation methods… progressive muscle relaxation and certain types of meditation… *shrugs one shoulder* But that wasn’t really my thing because I found it difficult to really relax… but maybe it would be an option for you…? *absentmindedly unscrews the water bottle again and takes a sip* Well and one method… that actually worked quite well eventually… it’s similar to what you’re already doing, just… somehow more visual… *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then has to chuckle slightly* *slightly shakes his head* I don’t want to somehow give you therapy or anything… I’m not even able to do that, anyways… but if you want to, then I can show you… *shrugs one shoulder* Maybe it’ll also be helpful for you…

Matteo: *listens to him when he talks and would really like to hug him right now* *but can also feel that he’s actually getting at something different and that they’re not done yet* *smiles slightly when he mentions burning off energy* No, I don’t think that’s my thing… *then nods slightly when he mentions relaxation* *thinks that before he met David, he sometimes really did something like that, with music or with weed, even though that probably wasn’t the best method* *then laughs slightly when he says that he doesn’t want to give him therapy* It’s okay… *nods hesitantly when he says that he can show him* Yes, I’d like that…

David: *grins slightly when Matteo confirms that burning off energy probably isn’t his thing and murmurs quietly* I thought so… *then sees him nod at his words about relaxation, but can’t really say much on that topic and thinks that someone else would have to show that to Matteo or that he would have to do research on it* *eventually smiles slightly when he agrees that he can show him the method and can feel that he’s a little nervous and flustered, because he hopes that Matteo won’t find it stupid and that it might help him in the long run* *takes a deep breath and scoots a little closer to him so that they’re sitting cross-legged and facing each other* Okay… *looks at him* There are three steps… or phases… whatever… and you have to keep repeating them… the aim is, in the long haul, to replace the negative images in your head with positive ones… *hesitates, but then reaches for his hand, because he always found the first phase to be pretty difficult and he doesn’t want Matteo to feel a lone with it* *says quietly* Close your eyes… *waits for Matteo to close his eyes, swallows slightly because somehow he finds it so unbelievable that Matteo trusts him so much that he goes along with all of that* *quietly clears his throat and then says* And now you have to deliberately think about the thing you’re scared of… imagine your fears as images… well… no idea… an image of me lying in bed and… *stops because he doesn’t want to say it out loud* *instead says* ...well basically your worst images of what might happen… *squeezes his hand a little to signal him that he’s here and that actually everything is good*

Matteo: *smiles slightly when David also sits down cross-legged* Okay… *also looks at him* *then listens to him attentively* Three phases, okay… *looks at him in surprise when he takes his hand, but squeezes it, anyways* *immediately closes his eyes when David tells him to* *takes a deep breath and exhales and tries to relax* *but then swallows hard when he hears his first request* *thinks about David in a hospital bed, with his eyes closed and not moving* *but mostly thinks about that because David has started like that* *but realizes that this isn’t the worst, because this way, he can at least see David* *therefore thinks about a doctor that tells him that he’s in critical condition and that he can’t see David and that he isn’t able and allowed to tell him anything else* *swallows again and squeezes his eyes shut a little tighter* *nods slightly to indicate that he’s imagining it*

David: *is quiet and watches Matteo closely and a little worriedly* *sees him swallow and hopes that it won’t be too bad for him* *sees him squeeze his eyes shut after a while and would like to hug him, but doesn’t want to disrupt his concentration* *then sees him nod and says quietly* Okay… and now really imagine this image as a literal image… as a photo or poster or placard… as something that you can destroy… and then think about how you could destroy it… hmmm… you could tear it up and throw it in the trash… or burn it… or pour paint over it… or a beaver could come along and eat it… *smiles slightly and then says* But definitely something that completely destroys the image, okay? *is quiet again and gives him time to imagine it*

Matteo: *can still see the doctor in his mind’s eye who coldly and without emotion tells him one bad piece of information after the other* *needs a moment until he’s able to concentrate on David’s voice* *manages to freeze the image of the doctor and imagine it as a poster* *would normally laugh about the thing with the beaver, but is too concentrated right now* *imagines red paint that he pours over the poster* *but then thinks that this reminds him of blood and changes it to blue* *sees the blue paint run down over the image and then gives a slight nod again*

David: *watches Matteo again and gives him the time he needs* *eventually sees him give a slight nod again, but isn’t sure and therefore asks quietly* Is the image destroyed completely? *sees him nod more clearly this time and nods as well, takes a deep breath and then says* Okay… now it’s about creating a new image in your mind… now you have to think about how the image you just destroyed would have looked like if the thing had a positive outcome… What does the image you wish for that situation look like? An image you’re no longer scared of… for example, the doctor telling you that everything went well… or that I’m waking up from anesthesia and that I’m happy to see you or something like that… *slightly presses his lips together because he knows that it’s difficult to imagine a positive image if you’re actually scared, but hopes that Matteo will manage* *runs his thumb over the back of his hand almost automatically*

Matteo: *can still see the paint running down and that eventually he can no longer see the doctor* *hears David ask again and nods more vigorously* *then listens to him further and almost has to smile when he mentions a doctor, because he couldn’t actually have known that this was his image* *takes a deep breath* *feels David’s thumb and manages to imagine a doctor again* *is a little surprised that it’s the same doctor* *tries to imagine a different one but keeps going back to the first one* *tries harder and finally sees him with a more friendly and open expression* *smiles when he tells him that everything went well and that there weren’t any complications and that he can go see David now* *nods and smiles slightly*

David: *watches Matteo again and is quiet to give him time to concentrate* *eventually sees him smile and feels heart do a little jump and that he also has to smile automatically* *eventually sees him nod again and says quietly* And now try to memorize that image for a moment… *waits a few more seconds and watches him, but then has to lean forward and quickly kiss him* *whispers against his lips* That’s it… *pulls away from him again and waits for him to open his eyes again* *looks at him lovingly because he finds it so great that Matteo went along with this* *explains* That’s the method which sometimes really helped me a lot… and that’s all a matter of practise… the more often you play this out in your head, the easier it is to get to the positive images. And the goal is actually supposed to be that your brain automatically replaces some of the negative thoughts with the positive ones. But in my case, that didn’t work for all my fears… but with some of them, it did… *shrugs one shoulder again and smiles a little insecurely* Well… maybe it’ll also help you a little bit… the first step is really hard. To really visualize your fear and to not suppress it like you’re used to… *presses his lips together, because he has talked so much now and because he also wants to give Matteo the chance to get a word in in case he wants to talk about how he found that experience* *but could also understand if he can’t or doesn’t want to say too much about it*

Matteo: *memorizes the image* *then suddenly feels David’s lips on his and smiles immediately* *wets his lips a little after David leans back again and only then opens his eyes* *finds it pretty wonderful to see him* *listens to him and nods slightly* Well, I think that was good… just destroying the image already helps… *nods slightly* But the question is if it will also help in an acute situation, if I’m really scared and if I can’t just conjure up that fear like I did just now… *leans forward and lightly kisses him again* But still thanks… I think that this will help me…

David: *smiles and nods when Matteo says that the destroying helps* Exactly… *grins slightly* ...and eventually, you also get creative with doing it… there are so many ways to destroy something… *then nods again when he’s talking about an acute situation and says hesitantly* Yes, that’s why it’s important to keep practising it… so if you notice a fear coming up, then don’t suppress it and use this method instead… or just do it very consciously - even though you don’t have any fears at that moment… *smiles slightly and shrugs one shoulder* That used to be my therapist’s homework… that I should constantly imagine scary situations, even though it wasn’t acute at that moment… he said that this method has to become a routine so that you can also use it in acute situations… *sighs quietly* But oftentimes it’s really not that easy… *is talking from experience* *smiles when Matteo thanks him and tenderly strokes over his cheek when he leans forward to kiss him* *murmurs* You’re welcome… thanks for going along with it… *then wraps his arms around him so that he can’t move away again and pulls him back into a horizontal position - a little awkwardly as they are both still sitting down cross-legged* *thinks that they have been apart for long enough now* *is quiet with him for a moment and waits to see if he wants to say anything else to his fears* *in the meantime thinks about how good it felt that they talked about it - about the Voluntary-Year-weekend as well as the mastectomy, and eventually says hesitantly and quietly to also get it out of his mind* Honesty round part 4… I’m scared of the pain after the surgery…

Matteo: *also grins slightly when he says that you eventually get creative* *nods when he says something about practising and homework* I will… I want to get a better handle on it… *is happy when David doesn’t let go of him again and manages a little awkwardly to disentangle his legs so that they can lie down again* *has one arm wrapped around him and sees David lie down on his shoulder* *just enjoys lying there with him for a moment and thinks about the method and if he’ll really manage to deal with his fears better* *then hears David’s quiet words and automatically pulls him closer* *also says quietly* I can understand that… but we’re all there for you and we’ll make it as easy for you as we can manage, I promise.

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he wants to get a better handle on his fears and hopes that he’ll really manage it and that he won’t do too badly on the day of the surgery* *then puts his head down on Matteo’s shoulders and wraps an arm tightly around his chest* *humms in agreement at his words and murmurs* I know… *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then admits hesitantly and quietly* ...but… I don’t want everyone to see me like that… so… no idea… weak or something… I mean, with you it’s okay… really… with you I can be weak and don’t feel small in the process… but with the others it’s really difficult for me… *knows that Matteo can’t be there for him all the time because he has to work and briefly thinks about with whom else he wouldn’t have a problem with showing weakness without feeling small in front of that person*

Matteo: *sighs slightly when he says that he doesn’t want everyone to see him like that* *knows that he can’t always be there* I should have found something else… something that only starts in October… *squeezes him a little tighter and presses a kiss to his head* But you can always text me, ok? Or send me voice messages if typing is too exhausting… *humphs slightly and thinks* Isn’t there anyone else where you at least don’t mind them helping you a little?

David: *immediately shakes his head when Matteo says that he should have found something different and briefly looks up at him annoyed* Are you crazy!? What nonsense… your Voluntary Year is just as important, you hear?! *then nods at his suggestion and smiles immediately* Yes, that’s good! Sometimes just letting it out already helps… *looks at him seriously* But you have to promise me that you’ll still concentrate on Lambda and that you won’t drop everything just because I tell you that something hurts, okay? For me it’s enough to know that I can be like that with you… that I can whine… *then sighs quietly at his question and puts his head back onto his shoulder* Phew… dunno… *thinks about all the people and immediately rules out Hans and Linn, because they would probably panic immediately* *doesn’t really want to show weakness in front of Laura, either - on the one hand because right now she already tends to patronize him currently, anyways, and on the other hand, because he doesn’t want her to worry* *thinks about the friends and immediately rules out the girls* *then thinks about the boys and the fact that Carlos is out, anyways, because he also has to work and Abdi would probably be pretty helpless* *eventually says hesitantly* Jonas or Alex maybe… *shrugs one shoulder* I’ll see… *has to chuckle a little* Maybe I’ll just test who has the best reaction after my first cry of pain…

Matteo: *laughs slightly when David immediately reacts so strongly* Yeees, sure… I didn’t do that, anyways… *then nods immediately* I promise… if you promise me that you’ll really rest and that you’ll really whine at me about EVERYTHING    that bothers and hurts you, okay? *looks down to him when he doesn’t really know from whom he would accept help* *secretly guesses Alex or Carlos* *then hears that he was close* Not Carlos? I thought Carlos… oh no, he also has to work, right. *then also grins a little at his last sentence* Good tactic… but if you ask me, then you already picked two good candidates… they wouldn’t caudle you too much, but they would still be there whenever you need something.

David: *smiles when Matteo promises to still concentrate on Lambda* *then laughs quietly* About /everything/?!? *tilts his head and looks at him with a chuckle* Even if I don’t like the food or if it bothers me that it’s raining outside or that there’s nothing on the TV!? *laughs again quietly and puts his head down onto his shoulder* *was just about to tell Matteo that Carlos has to work when he asks about him, therefore simply nods* Exactly… *then nods when he agrees with him when it comes to Jonas and Alex, cuddles a little closer to him and closes his eyes for a moment* *murmurs* Let’s wait and see… maybe the pain won’t be that bad… *pushes one of his legs between Matteo’s to be even closer to him and says after some time* Let’s try to not suppress or postpone stuff like that anymore… that was good, wasn’t it?

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he hears his examples* Definitely… I want to know everything. *buries his hand in David’s hair when he cuddles even closer* *then nods slightly* Yes, maybe… but please still take it easy and rest. *wraps his other arm around David, as well* *then nods slightly at his words* Yes… that was good… better than suppressing it… *kisses his head and closes his eyes* But now let’s just lie like this for a while… and then I want another helping of pasta casserole and for you to show me the song you found…

David: *smiles when he feels Matteo’s hand in his hair* *nods against his neck when he demands again that he rests* *murmurs into his shoulder* I’ll rest. I promise! *smiles when Matteo also cuddles closer and repeats quietly* Yes, better than suppressing it… *kisses his neck and then rubs his nose over the spot* *then relaxes and nods slightly at Matteo’s words* *murmurs quietly and with a smile* Yes, sir…

(next play)

[krynutsreal]

Hello this a long shot call, am a citizen of Palestine. I am here to request for your support to help get my insulin, I was diagnosised with type 1 diabetes and due to current situation in Gaza I'm unable to get my insulin injection as a result I'm here begging for little financial support to help me purchase insulin for this week.My donation link is available on my pinned post

Hi there, I find it suspicious that your blog is only two days old, with your first post being a reblog made only yesterday. I don't see how your donation link is vetted considering how recent your account is and not only that, it's a PayPal link. Normally this wouldn't be suspicious since ik people do actually use PayPal, but normally with donation posts most of the time people use a gfm.

I got another ask that was confirmed to be a scammer, but since I was working at the time I wasn't able to post about it on time. So here is the screenshot I got before the blog was taken down.

Notice how it's word by word the same ask as the one I'm responding to? Yeah. When you (the person looking at this post) get asks like these, you should report them or at least let others be aware that this is A SCAM!!! I feel like it's obvious by now but either way I feel like I should post it regardless because I have other asks that are vetted, and now that I have the time I will be posting them so that more people can see it and donate to them.

To the person who sent this ask, shame on you. Shame on you to be trying to take advantage on the fact that real people are suffering and begging for help.

Once again, pretty damn obvious to tell that it's a scam once you get them multiple times, but the fact that on their donation post there are actual people reblogging it onto their blogs thinking it's a real fundraiser is what finally made me post one of these. Be aware! Look into the account! There are posts out there that list scam accounts (which I will try finding again to reblog)!!

If this ask gets taken down for whatever reason then I'll make this into a post. I'll be answering the other asks I've gotten now so thank u for reading this if you got to this point !!

[lexiene]

Hello!!! How are you?

I was thinking about some writing topics, but I'm not very good at it. How about an Au where the jjk characters are famous hollywood actors (and jujutsu is just a movie or series. I hate that the characters die) How do you think it would be? What if they were in love with a famous model or actress too...

kisses

*if request aren’t open… my bad

Hi Hiiii~!!

I am doing fine just resting, watching, reading, listening music etc but I'm okay and safe ty for the ask! (*´ω｀*) 💙💘

It's okay! You can send it again when the request is open! : D

Oh oh! Ya got something there~ I do have plans for that especially for Actor!Megumi series I'd already listed few ideas and this came next add to list tysm! 💌💖

Although I won't be writing any of the characters much since I really write depends on how I like/love the characters ( without even mentioning it in my "About Me" etc ) but I'll writing them as supporting characters in his fic series (especially his adoptive father tehee.)

The concept of the story is very simple bc I won't make the reader famous/model/popular but simple person with normal living get caught the actor's eye and falls in love! I know the genre is quite hard but the simplicity and creativity is very important for the concept! Do pls noted that my writing grammar is still learning

So do stand by! And also it would be greatful if yall support my work and sharing some ideas for more fun but first pls do follow my rules in my pinned post in sharing/requesting/anything that relates the about fics! ╭(♡･ㅂ･)

I apologized for the long reply bc it's making me giggle when someone finally send it 😭💖

ー Lexi ♡

[little-lee-froggie]

Hello! It’s me, back with content for the first time in a verrrryyyyy long time, but I’m finally back! I wanted to post this fic for awhile, but it’s not from one of the fandoms I normally write for, so I didn’t, but I figured I might as well post it after coming back from hiatus since no one will know I posted it if it sucks, so with that, let’s start my first Maximum Ride fic!!! Let’s get into it:

WAIT!! First I need to share with you the picture that made me want to write this fic, cuz bestie- the Fucking ler vibes 🥲

(Page 200 of volume three of maximum ride)

Ok, now let’s actually get into it:

_________________________________________ Warnings: Swearing (if I’m missing any, please let me know)

Ler: Fang (rip his long hair 😔🤚)

Lee: Reader

You and your six friends were absolutely inseparable. You all lived together on a beautiful peace of land. Not to mention that your wings aloud you to fly all around it, all spending time together.

But you’re relationships with five of the six couldn’t hold a candle to the one you had with Fang, one of the oldest people in the flock. Back when you and the rest of the flock were still in the school, Fang was always the one who took care of you. You told him everything, and he would always listen. You both cared very deeply for each other, and he could read you better than you could even read yourself.

It was around 11:30 am, and you still weren’t awake. This wasn’t uncommon, but it also wasn’t Fang’s favorite thing. He was glad you got rest, but wished you slept more at night then in the morning. However, he couldn’t blame you. After all, after you, he was the one who was the most nocturnal in the house.

Never the less, he always woke you up about an hour after he woke up, and that time was now. The rest of the flock was out on a fly, and Fang had told them the two of you would go out and meet them after you woke up. He finished brushing out his long hair and tied it up in his classic ponytail, and went up to find you.

When he got to the room you slept in, he came in quietly, and shook you gently. “[NAME], it’s time to wake up, we need to meet the flock. They’re already out on a fly” he said, shaking you again. You mumbled something incoherent and pulled one of your pillows over your head.

He sighed, smiling fondly at your attempt to stay asleep. “You’re really going to make me do this, huh?”, he said, his smile turning ever so slightly into a smirk.

He lifted his wings up slightly and brought them to your neck, gently letting them drift along it. He could make out some muffled giggles from under the pillow as you lifted your shoulders to try and protect your sensitive neck. After about thirty seconds, he took the pillow off your head and put his hands on your ribs, lightly squeezing there, leaving his wings at your neck. “You wanna wake up now?”, he asked teasingly, raising his eyebrow to emphasize the question, despite the fact that your eyes were closed and you couldn’t see it. 

“Nohohohoho, IhI’m tihihirehed!!”, you giggled, kicking your legs out, your smile as bright as the sun. Fang smiled as well. He couldn’t help it, you’re smile was contagious. “Well then, I guess I’m not going to stop till you’re ready to wake up” he said, moving his hands from squeezing your ribs to using his blunt nails to lightly scratch all over your stomach and sides, making you squeak and arch you back. “Fahahang!!! *squeak* Mehehahahan!!!”, you giggled, trying to push his wings out of the crook of your neck, not realizing you just gave him the perfect opportunity to get your worst spot: the skin in between your armpit and elbow.

Fang had been tickling you for enough of his life to know this was your worst spot. It didn’t make you laugh much louder than any other spots, but in sheer sensitivity, it beat everything by a landslide. He wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity.

He quickly used his wings to pin your arms in place and let you catch your breath for a second, and hovered his hands over the spot as a warning.

“Okay [NAME], I’m giving you a choice; either get out of bed now, or I’ll make you~. Which will it be?”, he asked, a wide smirk plastered on his face. “Thahat’s an ultimatum, not a chohohoice” you said, giggling both in anticipation, and from the previous attack. “Same difference” he said. “Noho ihihi’s nohohot! A choihice is whehen you hahave two options, wherehe an ultimatum is whehen you don’t hahave any choice in the mahater cuz you can either do whaht you wahant but something unfavourable happens, ohor you’re forced intoho something unfavourable”

Fang smirked, and whispered right in your ear “Well then this isn’t an ultimatum, cuz we both know you love this~. So what’s your answer then little brid~?”, he said, flustering you quite a bit, and blowing a bit of air in your ear to make you squeak.

Two words. That’s what spelled your demise. And yet, those were the words you chose to say. 

“Make me.”

His eyes flashed with a slight hint of mischief, narrowing his eyes at you. “Okay, you asked for it!”, he said as his hands made contact with the soft skin, making you loudly squeak and giggle hysterically. “*SQUEAK* Ahahahahahaha Fahahahahang nahahaha!!! Dohon’t!!!!!!”

Your reaction only made him want to tickle you more. He loved mornings like this, and he loved to make you laugh, and he knew you enjoyed it as well. But he also knew he had to stop at some point. After all, he had promised the flock that he’d bring you to where they were flying after you had woken up.

“Okay [NAME], I’m going to have to make you a deal since we have to go meet the flock. If you get out of bed now, I promise I’ll tickle you more later today. Deal?”, he said, slowing his attack a bit so it’d be easier for you to answer. You thought about it for a moment, but eventually nodded. Fang smiled, finally stopping his attack completely, leaving you to giggle at the tingling sensation left behind. 

He opened the door and bowed dramatically, making you laugh a bit, and let you go through first. When the two of you started walking to the place where the flock normally started their flying, you had trouble feeling fully awake. 

“I’m tired, I wanna go back to sleep…” you said, walking slowly slightly behind Fang. “Don’t forget our deal” he said, lightly brushing his wings in your neck again, making you squeak quietly and flinch, smiling. “If you go back to sleep, then you won’t be awake when it’s time for me to do my part, and you wouldn’t to miss that, now would you little bird~?”, he said, knowing how to fluster you all to well.

“Sh-shut up..” you said, hiding your face in your hands to cover the blush that was slowly creeping onto your face. “You should watch what you say [NAME]~” said Fang, suddenly now directly behind you, playing your ribs like a piano. “Hehehey, Fahahahang!! Nahaha!”, you giggled, trying to continue walking, but you were all curled up on yourself. Fang then let go of your sides and continued walking, side-eyeing you with an evil smirk. “Don’t fall behind now little bird. I would hate for you to get left behind~” he said as you continued to giggle slightly. 

When you eventually caught up to him, he wrapped his wing around your shoulder, chuckling at the way your subconsciously went to protect your neck. “You’re so mean” you said, wrapping your arm around his waist since he was much taller than you, so there was no way you could put them around his shoulders. He chuckled again and said “I’m not mean, you’re just to easy to fluster, how could I not?”. You blushed again, hiding your face in his wings.

He just chuckled, and put his arm over your head and rested it on your shoulder, every so often poking your ribs, or fluttering his hand in your neck.

As much as he teases you, and even though he can be a bit mean when it comes to flustering you, you were so glad to have someone like Fang in your life. You wouldn’t want it any other way.

       ꧁༺To be continued༻꧂

_________________________________________

That was the fic! The second part is in the works, so look out for that (in like a month or some shit cuz I’m not productive :D)! I hope you enjoyed! This fic was very self-indulgent, so I don’t expect it to cater to everyone, but then again, what does? I hope you have a lovely day/night and take care of yourself, byeeeee!!

-Froggie :p