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franeridart · 7 years ago

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Do you care for any of the dekusquad?

I care for most if not all hero-related characters in bnha! But if with care you mean if any dekusquad member is between my favorite characters/if I care enough about any of them to draw them more than once every blue moon, then my Todoroki tag might tip you off, there lol

Anon said:Will you ever draw Bakukamikiri again? I rlly loved how you did them!!

Thank you!!! And I think I will, though I don’t have any project to do so in the near future, sorry!

Anon said:Soo KyouHaba day (6/16) is coming up and was wondering if you could do some seijoh next gen stuff. Yahaba is often forgot about a and Kyoutani isn’t really included in a lot of Aoba Johsai stuff. Feel free to not do anything just suggesting something

Aw sorry anon but I don’t have the time to do day-themed stuff right now! KyoHaba is currently the hq ship I’m most likely to draw for, though, since they’re the only ones I’m still reading fics for! So I don’t think any will come around 6/16, but I don’t exclude I might draw them anyway in the near future! :D

Anon said:Omg your taking part in a zine!! I’m so excited! And it’s a BakuSquad one too! Ik I’m definitely going to be buying it when pre-orders open up!

I’m taking part in TWO zines, actually!! Both the @takemyhandzine and the @sixthwheelzine !!!!! I’ll be making comics for both, and if you do decide to buy either I really hope you’ll like them!!!!

Anon said:whats a zine?

In general, a zine is an amatorially published magazine! Specifically tho here we’re talking about fanzines, so magazines put together and published by fans for other fans! The ones I’m taking part in are both about kiribaku, and will include both fanart (fancomics included) and fanfics! Depending on how much you wish to spend on it, you can also buy a bundle with fanmade merch too, and the Sixth Wheel zine is gonna have a pdf version too, in case you’d prefer to buy it like that! They’re super cool projects I’m insanely happy I got invited to take part in!!!!

Anon said:Your art style is so pretty and I love to see your amazing bnha drawing on my dash

There is literally no way I could ever stop being into d gray man ever and I’m also still following hq’s manga, yes! I dunno if and when I’ll draw for either fandom next, tho, sorry! ;^;

Anon said:Everytime you draw kiribaku I gain 1 life,,,,, tysm I love ur art SM ur such an inspiration,,,💖💖💖

Oh my g o d s thank you so much ;^;

Anon said:Your Kiridragon is the cutest, I love him and want Katsuki to protect him forever. Thank you for sharing that last story with us!!! (Ps. Can we expect more Kiridragon adventures in the future? *puppy eyes*)

Thank you for liking him!!!!!! And if you’re talking about the fantasy AU in general, I’ll 100% for sure draw more for it! If you’re talking about them as kids tho I can’t say for sure - I definitely want to, tho, right now!! ;^;

Anon said:As a suggestion, could you maybe do Kiri*Deku, whether it be romantic, platonic, or misinterpreted by Bakugou and he takes Kirishima because that’s his sunshine boy thank you very much, get your own

Aw anon sorry but krdk is…………. really not my thing, so I don’t take suggestions for it ;-; I might end up doodling them in the future anyway since I have in the past, but that’s only gonna be if I find an idea I really really really wanna draw, I’m sorry

Anon said:Just wanted to say that I love your art and I just went through a majority of your blog. But I noticed you used to draw erasermic but haven’t recently and I was wondering if you still ship it??? It’s okay if you don’t or if you just haven’t gotten the inspiration recently, I’m just curious. Anyways, keep doing what you do and being amazing

Thank youuuu!!!!! And I’ve actually always drawn erasermic super sporadically! They’re one of my main ships in the fandom honestly, but since they’re sorta hard to draw for me I rarely end up drawing them? I do still love them with all my heart tho! You can expect to see more of them in the future, for sure ;u;

Anon said:I came for my kiribaku fix (it HAD to be him I’m dying all over again) but. God ur art always blows me tf away ur so good and skilled and ur improvement in like… everything inspires me SO much so bless u and I hope u have a WONDERFUL day

I’m so glad I can inspire anyone, oh my g o o o o o o d ;O; thank you so so much!!!!

Anon said:Wow your dragon kiribaku art is so cute! Will there be a sequel!

Not for the immediately after, for now! Since Horikoshi is yet to give me the official design for Kiri’s mom //sob - but as I said up there I do want to draw more with them as kids in the fantasy AU, so maybe, yeah!!!

Anon said:I absolutely love EVERY SINGLE facial expression that Bakugou makes in your Fantasy Babies comic strip. He’s such an unapologetic little shit.

THANK YOU!!!!! I was mostly trying to convey the fact that he’s too young to think about the consequences of his actions before doing stuff like calling the rage of a dragon mom upon his city l m a o glad you liked him!!! :D

Anon said:The way you draw the baby bois has me weak 💖💕❤️💗💞💓💝 That baby dragon Kiri 💯💯💯💖💖💖😊😊😊

Thank you so muuuuuucccchhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:EYYYYY! Love your art, the newest comic made me laugh so hard that I almost chocked to death :D (Jk, I just couldn’t breathe normally) God bless youuuuuuuuuu

I’m SUPER HAPPY it made you laugh!!!!!! heck!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;^;

Anon said:You content makes my heart go doki doki doki doki doki

THANK!!!! YOU!!!!! SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:the way you draw wings is so cool, i love it. your art is just amazing in ggeneral to be honest, like akjdjkhdlkdl

AAAAHHHHHHHH I’M HAPPY YOU LIKE THEM I have so much fun drawing them, honestly!!!

Anon said:I love the fact that mina and kiri are cannonically childhood friends (middle school counts as childhood right??) Like I love their friendship so much and they both deserve the world.

Real, they’re adorable and I wish Horikoshi would actually have them interact a bit more in the manga, since as for now their scenes together are pretty much non-existent aside from their backstory ;^;

Anon said:THEY ANIMATED IT!!! THE HAND GRAB!!! IT’S IN MOVING COLOUR!!!

HELL YES I DIED IT’S BEEN NEARLY A WEEK AND I’M STILL DYING WHAT A BEAUTIFUL TIME TO BE ALIVE

Anon said:You with your beautiful beautiful art and Chonideno with her beautiful beautiful writing about Kiri and Bakugou makes my heart so happy and warm and just… Thank you for existing and love Kiribaku! I don’t know, your art makes me so happy

Ohhhhhhhhhhh boy what an honor to be put at the same level as mag ;^; I love her and her writing so much, honestly !!!!!! thank you so so much for the compliment, anon!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:Kirishima braiding his hair while he talks is both adorable and relatable. Thank you for that.

I’m!!!! mostly happy you caught it hahahaha thank you !!!!!!

Anon said:Hey. You seem insecure but your art is great. What kind of color scheme do you see for Hawks?

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I honestly don’t like thinking about stuff I think Hori will give me in canon soon enough? But out of instincts I mostly imagined him in shades of brown, I think - typical birds of prey and/or aviator colors, you know!

Anon said:I love ur drawings but i also love reading ur tag. They re so funny sometimes

lmao that’s good too!! As long as I can make people enjoy a couple of moments of their time I don’t really mind how I do it hahaha

Anon said:your art is beautiful anfndfnd

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:Hello fran, just wanted to say i’ve been here for a long long time (since the h/q times :‘o) and today i was thinking about some of your old art and if you remember, you had a soulmates au for b/n/h/a that was super good and i really loved so i wanted to tell you!! You as an artist have such an impact on me and that au is my fave of yours!! ;0; have the nicest day ever!! -soulmates anon (4 future ref!!!)

OH MAN I’m so happy to hear you still remember that one?? It was such a fun experiment to play around with, I’m glad you liked it this much!!!! Thank you for telling me omg !!!!! ;^;

Anon said:Hi, so where did you go to watch Haikyuu (I’m assuming probably Crunchyroll but ya never know) and where might I find the dubbed version?

Aw anon sorry I don’t watch the dubbed version! Since I’m Italian, I don’t really have much use for the English dubs haha I’m pretty sure you can find it on kissanime, tho!

Anon said:could you briefly go through the process of making and completing one of your comics? I wanted to start some short bnha comics but idk where to start, thank you!

Sorry this took me an age to answer - I have answered this question a while back, I think it might be in my art tips tag! But to go through it fast, my process is something like

find a line or an exchange I want to deliver, or a topic I want discussed (usually happens randomly as I’m doing other things)

spend a million years just staring at a wall or at my ceiling or anything else as I build a whole scene in my mind to have the lines or topic take the form of an actual comic (might take two minutes, might take a month)

draw a rough sketch of the whole comic - I do this with all panels (and pages, when I separate a comic in pages) on the same canvas, so that I can look at the whole scene all together and get a good sense of the general flow of the storytelling. This process includes cutting panels, moving panels around, reshaping panels, trying different poses and angles for the same panels to find the right one, writing and deleting and re-writing lines till I’m sure the wording is what I’m going for*

line the panels - I mean the actual panels, the straight lines delimitating the panel, I line them all first and put them on a separate layer

line the people!! All the characters in every panel are lined in this stage

line the backgrounds! In case there are backgrounds and the comic is meant to stay in black and white, if not then color the backgrounds! (I always start coloring from the backgrounds cause they’re the boring parts and if I leave them for last I never do them ever #rip)

in case of black and white comics, we fill in flat, gray-scale colors at this point (or, as I’ve lately started doing, I only put down shadows and leave it at that). If it’s in colors, we color the people!

Write down the dialogue!! *at this point we change a lot of the dialogue again because enough time has passed since I sketched it that I changed my mind on everything, don’t be like me

you’re done!

All of it is done on one single canvas, unless it’s a comic with separate paneled pages in which case they’re all done on their own canvas but still drawn all together. That’s about it, hope it was at least a little bit useful!

Anon said:Hi! I just wanted to thank you for your art, especially your KiriBaku. I was exactly in the same situation than Bakugou in the post tagged “bakugou being blunt about his feelings” (except we are 2 girls) , so I used it to confess to her. She said yes! X3

OH MY GOD I’m so super happy to hear that!!!!! Congrats on your gf, anon!!!!!! *throws hearts at u*

#fran answers #im back to not answering asks i mean to draw for #if you never see those asks answered #im sorry im a f disaster #anyway about that first ask!!! todoroki is actually one of my main faves!!!!#i don't have enough ideas for him but if i did i'd always be drawing him t b h #oh also #art tips #cause there's something like that in this #tho it's just more or less my comic making process #which can be summed in 'think about something for a million years!!!' and then 'rush through it in half a day!!!!!!'#im #such an organized person am i n o t #:)))))))))))))))#anonymous

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a-lbeit · 5 years ago

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151 questions

sorry i’m trash and i like talking about myself

Who was the last person you held hands with? my aunt last night when she slipped me money lmfao

Are you outgoing or shy? shy but i’ve become much more outgoing than i used to be

Who are you looking forward to seeing? rozi and blake!!!!! i just wanna be back in california

Are you easy to get along with? i hope so; i like to think i’m pretty laid back

If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? 100%

What kind of people are you attracted to? kind and genuine people

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? i am always hoping for that

Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ,,,,,,blake

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? with certain people, but not with my friends

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? probably rozi or maybe my dad lmfao

What does the most recent text that you sent say? "i think it’s pretty self explanatory” in reference to me saying i think i have a hemorrhoid LMFAO

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? -- “the greatest,” lana del rey -- “hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me, but i have it,” lana del rey --“after the storm,” mumford and sons --“leader of the landslide,” the lumineers --“darkness on the edge of town,” springsteen i’m just sad girl trash rn

Do you like it when people play with your hair? nah

Do you believe in luck and miracles? yes bc i’ve been so goddamn lucky to have met the people i’ve met

What good thing happened this summer? i got to work at the bookstore and the deli and visit lauren and ciaran in new york and do some real nice hikes in the smokies and took a goddamn train across the country and got to know some real nice people thanks to my job at disneyland

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yeah probably but i don’t really care either way

Do you think there is life on other planets? of course

Do you still talk to your first crush? lol i never even talked to him when i had a crush on him

Do you like bubble baths? i’m not really a bath person

Do you like your neighbors? yeah they’re okay i guess, don’t really know them that well

What are you bad habits? sometimes i be gettin into a funk; i’m bad at distinguishing the line between friendly and flirty; i’m not confrontational; i’m bad at eating well; i get embarrassed too easily

Where would you like to visit? egypt, western canada, montana, russia, argentina, morocco, other places

Do you have trust issues? doesn’t everyone?

Favorite part of your daily routine? don’t have much of a routine at the moment bc i have a broke ass ankle but eating and reading and checking my notifications in the morning lmfao

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my stomach probably but i have issues with a lot of parts

What do you do when you wake up? lie in bed for like 2 hours on my phone

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? i’m fine with whatever

Who are you most comfortable around? probably lauren or rozi

Have any of your exes told you they regret breaking up? lol i don’t have an ex

Do you ever want to get married? maybe

Is your hair long enough for a ponytail? yeah

Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? i dunno but oscar isaac is hot as fuck

Spell your name with your chin. no

Do you play sports? What sports? not right now lmfao but i played tennis for a long time

Would you rather live without TV or music? tv

Have you ever liked someone and never told them? obviously lmfao

What do you say during awkward silences? nothing i just try to think of something to ask them

Describe your dream girl/guy. kind, genuine, taller than me, feminist, love of the environment, ambitious

What are your favorite stores to shop in? forever 21 tbh and i guess maybe asos or h&m. also walmart LMFAO

What do you want to do after high school? well right now i wanna get my graduate degree while working at disneyland and then i wanna join the peace corps and then i wanna work for the nps

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yeah probably

If you’re being extremely quiet, what does it mean? i don’t know what to say, i’m uncomfortable, or i’m jus chillin

Do you smile at strangers? nah not usually, maybe if we’re like in each other’s way or something

Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? neither goddamn

What makes you get out of bed in the morning? bathroom lol and i start to feel gross after lying in bed for a while

What are you paranoid about? being financially stable and about being vulnerable to people

Have you ever been high? nah

Have you ever been drunk? yeah

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? not really

What was the color of the last hoodie you wore? i haven’t worn a hoodie in a long ass time but probably grey

Ever wished you were someone else? nah i just sometimes wish i looked different and had more money

One thing you wish you could change about yourself? stomach and broken ankle

Favorite makeup brand? don’t have one bc i never wear makeup lol

Favorite store? what i listed earlier

Favorite blog? no thanks

Favorite color? don’t have one

Favorite food? burrito bowls from qdoba lmfao

Last thing you ate? chocolate

First thing you ate this morning? ham and cheese sammy and an apple

Ever won a competition? For what? probably at some point

Been suspended/expelled? For what? nah

Been arrested? For what? nah

Ever been in love? no

Tell us the story of your first kiss. my old coworker who lives in la now wanted to hook up so when i first flew into anaheim a couple months ago, he drove over to my airbnb and we were watching the office and the episode finished and i was like should we start another one and he was like yeah or i could kiss you. so we did. it was strange but nice i think. then we made out and had sex lmfao i really went 0 to 100 in one evening

Are you hungry right now? nah

Do you like your Tumblr friends more than your real friends? i don’t know people on tumblr unless i know them in real life

Facebook or Twitter? facebook

Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr

Are you watching tv right now? nah

Names of your best friends? i have several, among which are probably lauren, rozi, melissa, brandon, ben, katie, nicole, estevan, and potentially blake

Craving something? What? california

What color are your towels? orange ish i think

How many pillows do you sleep with? one but my ankle is also on one

Do you sleep with stuffed animals? lmfao right now yes

How many stuffed animals do you think you have? i have so many from my childhood, but probably like 15 in my room

Favorite animal? koala

What color is your underwear? skin colored lmfao

Chocolate or vanilla? swirl

Favorite ice cream flavor? probably neapolitan or like ben and jerry’s half baked

What color shirt are you wearing? blue american university library t shirt

What color pants? black shorts

Favorite tv show? probably new amsterdam and superstore and brooklyn nine nine

Favorite movie? inside llewyn davis and the descendants probably

Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? honestly i don’t like mean girls

Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 jump street

Favorite character from Mean Girls? no

Favorite character from Finding Nemo? i don’t care

First person you talked to today? my mom

Last person you talked to today? rozi by text, father in person

Name a person you hate. me bitch

Name a person you love. lauren!

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? nah

In a fight with someone? nah

How many pairs of sweatpants do you have? none

How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? probably like 4 sweaters and 2 hoodies

Last movie you watched? echo in the canyon

Favorite actress? probably frances mcdormand

Favorite actor? oscar isaac

Do you tan a lot? yeah

Have any pets? a cat

How are you feeling? forlorn about california literally all the time

Do you type fast? kind of

Do you regret anything from your past? not doing enough in the month i was in california before i broke my ankle!!!! i’ll be back tho

Can you spell well? yeah

Do you miss anyone from your past? of course!

Ever been to a bonfire party? probably

Ever broken someone’s heart? nah

Have you ever been on a horse? yeah

What should you be doing? nothin, i’m chillin, tryna heal as soon as i can

Is something irritating you right now? my inability to walk

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? mmm i don’t think so

Do you have trust issues? i still have trust issues since the last time this was asked, yes

Who was the last person you cried in front of? lol i teared up in front of rozi, lyndsay, and britt, but i CRIED in front of blake lmfao. oh wait i was cryin on the plane but i don’t think anyone was really looking at me

What was your childhood nickname? idk i don’t think i had one

Have you ever been out of your province/state? hell yeah

Do you play the Wii? i used to but i haven’t for years

Are you listening to music right now? yeah i’m listening to my new year’s eve playlist from 2 years ago lmfao

Do you like chicken noodle soup? ya

Do you like Chinese food? i’m very specific about it

Favorite book? probably wild

Are you afraid of the dark? yeah

Are you mean? not usually

Is cheating ever okay? no

Can you keep white shoes clean? for a minute

Do you believe in love at first sight? no

Do you believe in true love? i think so

Are you currently bored? no

What makes you happy? my friends and being financially stable

Would you change your name? probably not

What your zodiac sign? leo

Do you like subway? yum i stan a good steak and pepper jack on italian herbs and cheese

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? feel flattered

Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? redundant

Favorite lyrics right now? "i miss long beach and i miss you” and “it will steal your innocence but it will not steal your substance”

Can you count to one million? no

Dumbest lie you ever told? i don’t know, i’ve told a lot

Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed

How tall are you? i always say 5′3″

Curly or straight hair? wavy

Brunette or blonde? brunette

Summer or winter? winter

Night or day? depends on my mood

Favorite month? december and also maybe september

Are you a vegetarian? lol no

Dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk

Tea or coffee? coffee

Was today a good day? it was okay. i talked to rozi for like an hour and a half on the phone so that was nice

Mars or Snickers? snickers

What’s your favorite quote? i have a lot but i’ve always loved “what is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -- it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. but we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.”

Do you believe in ghosts? probably

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42--what’s the first line on that page? the first complete sentence is “he was not sickly or weak but he did not lift very well; he rode horses badly and detested them” from east of eden

#me #about me #sorry im narcissistic

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innerkryptonitebanana-blog · 7 years ago

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21yroldmeesh · 8 years ago

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back again 7/20/17

iit’s been a year since i have written in this blog and dang it’s kind of heartbreaking to read the “ty” post. i mean ima just be open cause i’m sure as hell people don’t even know about this blog anymore L O L i have 0 followers L O L

things on the agenda: dan, guy who drove me to va, my first and last hookup

me and dan actually broke up over a month ago (6/16/17... i have a particular thing for dates) and it’s been a weird experience. i literally thought we were going to get married. you can talk to someone for 5 yrs almost everyday and it only takes a day to become strangers. actually you can get close to a stranger. we’re worse than strangers. with us, it’s best to spend some time apart because if we start talking, we don’t even know what we want from each other. like, we actually have such good chemistry but too much has happened too much pain too many lies. it’s one big clusterfuck. i don’t normally curse but i’m going to curse a lot in this post future michelle. i was willing to live in the boring ass town of ann arbor, michigan and i would have been perfectly happy for simply just being with you and being loved by you. i had so much love for you. your fungus feet, your crackly white tongue, you never brush your teeth, everything weird dumb annoying about you just stopped being that and it was “normal” anyways,

i decided to write again because for the past week, my mind has been all over the place and i think my friends are getting annoyed of hearing me out so here i am.

that night, i tried convincing him that id be able to forget about all that he has done. i was crying. i thought it was so fucking unfair man. whenever he lied to me and i’d try to break up with him, he always held on to me and i am a push over... i gave in every time. that day, we fought and yes, i said let’s break up but i told him i didn’t mean it. and then he just brought up how even though i didn’t mean it, everything i said was right and that we arent good for each other. he kept saying this was for us. we didn’t make each other happy. bull shit. i made u so happy. u were only “not happy” when i wanted u to be mature. i mean this is a memory i want to erase from my head so im not going to go into it. but i just felt so hopeless like you just tied up my arms and i couldnt do anything. i asked you to let me hold on to you ONE time because i let you do that with me. and you just wouldn’t budge. do u know how that made me feel? i felt like everything was my fault. if i didnt bring up anything, we would have still been together. we were doing amazing. you opened up to me for the first time literally the day before we broke up and damn everything just happened so fast. you made me feel like i was the type of person who didn’t let myself be happy.

well, the first night i was completely miserable and suicidal. i don’t even know how i survived but i did. for the first two weeks i cried my damn heart out. i let myself feel pain. i didn’t touch alcohol at all until i knew i was ready to not emotional vomit while drunk. i went in my car, blasted music as loud as i can, sobbed for thirty minutes until i was exhausted and came back home. once you hit rock bottom, you got to come up right? i couldnt be alone. i was always with friends. what the fuck was the MCAT right (ugh) i did this multiple times and i think by the third week, i was feeling pretty good and realized you and i weren’t good for each other. actually, correction, we weren’t good for each other because you weren’t willing to be. i guess i just wasn’t worth it to you anymore. well, correction, i didn’t give necessarily my all either. breakups are never on one person. you just lied to me way too much and i just couldn’t trust you 100%. i said i forgave u but i never really did, did i ? what is relationship without trust. it’s surprising how we even lasted this long. well, its because of our chemistry. whyd you have to go fuck it up dan. you and i had such a good connection LOL maybe u can have that connection with others but im just picky af LOL

actually, i haven’t thought about you dan for a very long time. i sound pretty hung up on you still up there but i’m not. something just happened recently which i will go into later

but actually i have not thought about you at all. its funny because ive been telling haram “who the fuck is daniel am i rite” hahaha its been fine for me. ill be sad but now i can be alone and just deal with it. im doing really well. when i was dating you, for some crazy reason, i thought i couldn’t be without you. why the hell did i think that? like i went through my darkest times without you and survived every single bit of it. why did i ever think i ever NEEDED u in my life? i havent felt depressed since we broke up. isn’t that the craziest? i never have suicidal urges like i did while dating you. im never sad for too long. im just doing me. being with friends. being with awesome people. meeting new people. and yeah i miss you, but damn i think the emotional roller coaster and the clusterfuck of lies (like you telling susan in MAY THAT U LOVE HER?!!?!?!) just made me like dumb and made me believe i just couldn’t let u go. love is insane. and i am insane. michelle in love. there is no logic in it whatsoever. i’m just the type of person to just give it all she got u know? fucking cheat on me, i’ll be here. fucking take my money, i’ll be here. i think id peace the fuck out for animal abuse doe. but anything else is pretty much game.

but yeah i am no longer that person. i am so special and cool to deal with that LOL im actually not a bad catch. i realized i am going to run far far away from someone who lies to me. it’s just not worth it. i love you. i loved you but damn i just kind of miss u as a best friend. nothing romantic anymore. i just miss talking to u and talking shit with u but you can beg for me back, and it is a huge no from me. also i really respect u stepping up with coco while im not in ann arbor. ur just a bad boyfriend. i always knew that tho and i still went in for it. none of that anymore LOL fck that for real. like i wanna be friends with u just so we can hang out. im not the same person anymore LOL and i just think we would really get along now LOL

when u said you couldn’t give me a ride i was upset but not really? i just understood. it wouldn’t have been good for us and last week, i don’t think i was ready to be in a car ride with u for that long even when i thought i was. looking back, i think it would have set me back a lot. thanks for making the best decision for us. you were always able to do that, i cant hahaha

but yeah anyways, this guy who i talked to for three days kind of offered to give me a ride. correction, we talked for two and then like he just decided to do that for me. very impulsive but i mean i get it, so am i

as we were talking, i realized we were way too similar to even have any romantic attraction. like, i know he did because i think he saw that as a good thing. but everyone else and me later on, realized, similarity for michelle kim is not the best. she needs excitement, passion, and just someone different for her fire. we were similar so we could have been good friends but i think i realized we couldn’t be more than that when he just started coming off too strong. idk, five days in of talking, he was just telling me don’t fool around with other guys and just like telling me to enjoy my single time while i can and it was very overwhelming. not to mention he dated a girl who actually became pretty closely to me recently and i actually really dig her so that was just a final like nope cause it wasnt worth it at that point.

so i get to ny and im having all these realizations about the guy who drove me to va while im out with my friends. as im getting all these “boyfriendy” texts im like nope nope nope nd telling my friends i think i have 0 feelings for this guy now.

next thing you know, my first and last hookup walks over to my friend asks her to smoke and he tells her he thinks im cute. i mean i didnt even know until like round 3 or even until he told me the next day. but yeah we just made quick eye contact and that was it. he joins us for round 2 and dang he is hot as fuck LOOL ok well maybe its cause i literally haven’t seen a guy that hot in a while. L O L like i always liked skinny tall guys. but he was like tall and fit?? like wtf?? LOL it just took me off guard and he was showing interest and i was just suuuuuupppppper drunk so we just went home to my airbnb. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I MADE OUT it was so crazy. like i dont think he believes me because he knew i wasnt a virgin but then i told him i never made out before so he was like so confused but didnt ask me questions cause i guess he just thought i was lying?? idk man. but ya we didn’t do anything except make out and when it got hot and heavy i was just like yo u want pjs and then told him lets just go to bed

l o l

and hes like a super big gentleman

he kind of didnt want to leave cause hed say stuff like ill leave when u go out. ill leave when u tell me to leave and i was like “ok u should leave now” and idk how but he just kind of stayed

and then he ordered food and idk we talked about his mom and my mom and we played this dumbass creepy game that we literally made up called black mirror black mirror idk man it was super fun and he even pretended like gdragon, hes a complete clown and i love clowns LOL but yeah he left and i went with my day, saw jane and joohee, came home and he texts me. hes like aksing to hang out and im like yeah if we dont get white girl wasted.

we meet at one of my fave places beauty and essex. it was awk at first because i did not expect it to be like a bar bar since i came during dinner time last time. but we ended up having a lot of fun and it was good. we tried going to fat buddha but line was too long and one thing led to another, he came over my house and we just kind of made out and i d k what happened but i was suppppppppppper drunk LOL like more drunk than last night that i was dropping my phone in the uber and i was a mess but we ended up having “sex” it was just super fast and weird man. he just felt so diff from dan so i felt really out of it but the other guy finished and i think alc was also hindering his performance and it was just a clusterfuck. we just ended up going to bed. next morning, i know he got into super big trouble with his mom and i felt really bad about that. and then he left. i went to va. he texted me saying have a safe trip and that it was a super fun weekend and yeah that was that.

im starting to realize i fucking like this guy LOL i mean i prob dont but i thought and think i do u know. im just not the type to do this and i feel like he got the worst image of me LOOL yeah my friends were like michelle ur not the type of person to just have one night stands cause one ima fall in love with them and two ur just not the type

idk i just lost myself from being in nyc

nyc is like the root of all probs

love that place but still crazy

and ya i think hes kind of cute but i also know hes not really down since im in mich and all so ya ohwellz we’re only 21

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astrategistdepressionjourne-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 0

Hello, if you are reading this you should know that this blog offers no psychological or psychiatric advice. This is merely an account of an emotional, chemical journey that I’m going through, diagnosed as severe depression.

My name is Daniel, I am a 29 year old strategist, born in Colombia with a great job and a fortunate life. My upbringing was privileged and safe, and my life choices have resulted in enormous fortune. I consider myself an emotional, optimistic, free-spirited person, who generally exudes a safe, colorful energy. In spite these traits, I am coping with the fact that I have chronic depression. I have never thought of ending my life, but have felt without a single doubt the unbearable desire to end pain abruptly, as it too much for my body to resist.

I am titling this blog post day 0 because it is the first 24 hours after being interned in a hospital in NYC for an emotional crisis. The goal of this post is twofold: one, it aims to serve as a mechanism for me to explore my situation, and two, if anyone ever reads this and is as surprised and lost as I am, it will hopefully provide honest guidance, and perhaps a platform to relate to.

I should tell you, writing this isn’t easy. My body is under high potency antidepressants and the anxiety in my body still burns the chest. I understand that this is an instinctual reaction, and that eventually I will train my mind and body to behave in a different way, but for the time being - this is what it is.

Perhaps I’ll start by explaining the symptoms. I would explain the context that triggered this event, but in day 0 it seems inappropriate as it would probably would hurt to much to recall. We will track the days together until I’m able to comfortably talk about it. Hint: it’s objectively speaking not as bad as it sounds. Anyway, the symptoms. First, I recognized that my body was blossoming with negative emotions such as jealousy, paranoia, obsession, and anger. This cocktail immediately felt overwhelmingly negative and I recognized the emotions bubbling up in my psyche. I was hoping for relief, and as time went by these feelings turned into sadness. Pure, good old sadness. At the time, I recognized the need for help and tried reaching out to a few friends, communicating that I was in an emotionally funky state. They reacted with love and friendship, and embraced me in conversation. I tried to convince myself that everything was ok and had brief moments of clarity where I thought I could push these emergent feelings away, and act “normal” (I have a problem with the word “normal” but perhaps we will go back to that some other day). As days went by, the feeling became more intense. I struggled to look for options, kept myself occupied, went to museums, kept busy at work and even engineered some new side projects. Work was going well and in the moments of distraction only an acute eye would’ve recognized that things weren’t well with me, Truth is, I would go home after and feel increasingly miserable. I started to notice that this train of emotions was taking over me, and did my best to fight it. However, in the meantime I had been eating less and less, and losing sleep. By the 10th day of the trigger, I had lost 4 kilos and was sleeping 3-4 hours a day. Finally, a Saturday afternoon I broke down. My body functions stop working. I was delirious, had difficulty breathing and couldn’t stop my racing thoughts. The pain in my chest was unlike anything I had ever felt, and I got scared - terrified to be exact. I was afraid I was going to do something stupid. I wasn’t necessarily thinking about killing myself, but I had cut my wrists before and thought oh god don’t be so stupid to do it again. At this point, I’m texting a friend of mine and coming to the realization that this is something that needs to be treated. I realized at this point that depression is a real thing, that it can happen to anyone, and that yes, it was happening to me. I was lying in the tub. Water was cold already after a few hours. The winter weather had spiked that week and outside was 30 degrees. The windows were open. I had not eaten any food in more than 48 hours, but instead drank half a bottle of whisky and done drugs at 5 am. My life was falling apart in front of me and I was starting to embrace the sweet relief of giving up. I thought I didn’t technically have to kill myself to die. If I stayed there, immobile, my body would eventually shut off from the cold and I would enter in some sort of comma (not really, possible but hell, that’s what I thought) Buzz! Buzz! The telephone again, its my friend. - You should call Luisa, he says. I was embarrassed. Luisa had always seen me at my best, and in her mind I was this really positive, balanced individual. This call would imply that she discovered the side of me that I was only beginning to realize myself. I am a person with an emotional problem, and am lying in my tub, in shock. I called a few times with no answer. My friend is keeping me company via text. At the third try, Luisa picks up. She can hear it in my voice. I say, Luisa.. I’m not well. She immediately picks up an uber and rushes home. When she finds me I am in a state of trauma, yet my composure is intact and not a single tear has been shed. By now, you should already have noticed that I have a way of keeping composure, which is another point that we’ll revisit some other time. The point is, I’m there, sense of humor and all, but the body is in total shut down. I thought we were going to watch a movie, but Luisa, who had been exposed to these situations before suggested that we take action. I was not in a state where the symptoms could be tackled by using a simple diversion. We called a hospital in upstate New York that one of her friends had visited. The IVR machine caught me off guard, and at the other end of it a woman’s voice greeted me without the smallest show of empathy. I politely asked about the procedure and general admissions information, and she quickly replied “Are you trying to kill yourself?” The directness of her response caught me off guard - Yeah, well, not exactly - I said. She immediately responded back at me “If you’re not in absolute threat of suicide, we can’t help you” - Ok, whatever. Bitch.

Brings me to my first issue (I have so many now) with psychiatric care. The fact that they only take extreme cases. No shades of grey. Suicidal? Come in, Not suicidal? Oh you’re just sad. I will no go in depth into this topic, because the story might get diverted, but brace yourself because oh we will get to it, and we will get to it with no mercy. Anyway, no luck with the psychiatric hospital upstate. In the meantime, I’m shivering, trying to keep it together, my mind is going 100 miles a minute.. I’m thinking I’m going to have to quit my job, and seek shelter. I literally at this point am thinking my life as I know it os over, and not coming back never. Second call: NYU Hospital, ER. Luisa insists that I need immediate help, and so I give them a call. The conversation is brief and polite - “Yeah, come in” the voice on the phone says, with a strong Jamaican accent. You can tell she works as an operator and doesn’t really know or care much beyond redirecting calls (which is ok, by the way) I put some pants on, look at the mirror and think of what I’ve come down to. Only 20 days ago I was at my highest. Shit, oh well. An uber takes us to the emergency room for NYU’s psychiatric hospital. The entrance, as with any major hospital, is terrifying and quite honestly sad and disgusting. Two security guards are sharing a cellphone to watch videos in a badly lit waiting room, while a muted tv illuminates the empty chairs on the background. The air is cold and smells like the inside of a recently cleaned, but still smelly airport restroom. I sign a few papers and get called in relatively fast. The triage lady asks me a number of drop down menu questions, asking mostly wether I had suicidal thoughts (again, back at the extreme problem). She takes me to a coffee room (because all beds are taken) and asks me to wait while a security guards waits besides me. He says some honest words of encouragement. I smile. A few minutes after, a skinny, gentle looking guy shows up in nurse wear and asks me what is up. I explain, and beg him for a solution. I can’t bare feeling like this anymore. A tear starts to form below my eyelids, but doesn’t make it to my cheek. He says with a comforting tone that a psychiatrist will be seeing me soon. At this point a room had opened and the security guard took me there. N91 - will never forget (side note: Don’t know if that will become a lucky or unlucky number) I enter the room and to my surprise the nurse asks me to take my clothes off and wear a robe. There I am, plastic white bracelet with my name on it, and a shitty robe which was clearly not well washed (had spots on it). I wasn’t in the mood to complain about it. I tried the tv. Broken. Misery level at this point is beyond 9000. Words fail me to describe what I was going through.

Enter Marcia. Marcia was a black middle aged woman, from Jamaica. She was my nurse for the time being. Oddly, everyone else seemed to be from Jamaica as well. Niche job I guess? Marcia, knowing of my situation starts asking me question and (I won’t go into this because it hurts too much) without any request starts giving me “advice” that starts with the words: I don’t me to be mean but. Marcia, dear, if you have been talking to suicidal patients as you talked with me your death toll must be reaching D day. Holy god damn jesus: what a conversation. Marcia’s words backfired in a way only comparable to a Willy Coyote cartoon. My feelings of guilt and sadness easily doubled with the short, irresponsible exchange with Marcia from Jamaica. Politely I asked her, to stop and she would keep going. After a few more minutes I simply looked away and whispered “you’re not helping”. I don’t think she heard me.

After a while I asked the security guard whether I could call Luisa to keep me company. She came and sat down by me. I was surprised that I could maintain my sense of humor with her, tho I felt so empty inside. We spent some time discussing the situation. I supported myself on the argument that what I had was a normal condition that a lot of people suffer, and that medications and treatment would get me out of this way. At the same time I scanned my body and was in awe of the amount of physical and emotional pain I was going through. It was fascinating to be honest. I tried without success to keep my mind calm but it would’ve been easier to lick my elbows.

Finally the security guard said the psychiatrist was ready to see me, and lo behold one of the most disturbing experiences I’ve had in my life. As you walk into this room, a heavy guarded opens into what looks like an office cubicle with security glass everywhere and bad furniture. Inside two rooms are empty with doors locked, like jail. Peeking inside, one can see two plastic beds with a plastic mattress and a paper thin sheet. The bed is framed by hooks that are used to put restraining straps on people. I guess law requires this place to be secure because individuals can become violent when mentally unstable, and some (perhaps most?) of the people entering a psychic ward do so against their will. I peek in, and a middle aged filipino wearing a sports hoodie asks me to change into a new set of “clothes”, handing me a giant paper bag. Take everything off and go to the restroom for a check. The filipino then asks me to pull down my boxers. He then puts on some already used surgical gloves and comes into the restroom. I lay against the sink and ask out loud “are you going to put a finger in my ass?” He laughs. No, just checking for sharp objects, you can wear your robes now. The two pieces of clothing are made of the material whole foods uses to create reusable bags. Some hybrid between cardboard and fabric, only in a pale blue color that resembles surgical sheets.

I wear them, and immediately shiver down my spine. The cold gets into my bones. I sit down and wait to be spoken to. Then, a woman walks in. She is black, and dressed in black. She sits down behind a security glass directly across where I sit, and starts typing on an old computer frenetically. Not a glance between us is shared. The filipino guys is sitting by her, and on the back you could see a really obese lady minding her own business. They make me sign some papers regarding my clothes. Finally the woman speaks to me and starts asking the typical questions. Have you tried to kill yourself? - Yeah, maybe, well, technically I did slit my wrists but I never thought of actually dying, I say. Unmoved, she glances back at the computer and types away. The conversation continues for a fe minutes, dry question after dry question. Finally, the verdict. She glances at me and says: You are showing signs of severe depression. Part of me was relieved in hearing that what I was going through wasn’t a simple “show” or that I was acting like a drama queen (doubt that I had been lingering in the back of my mind all day) Immediately after, a part of me realized the fact that this is a serious issue and that it was not going to be easy to get out of it. Just a few days ago, I had a happy life. Now I was in a madhouse on a Saturday night being read my destiny by a totally isolating person. My life went through my eyes, as in a movie. I saw my childhood, my moments of happiness, my relationships and the friends that I had made in several countries around the world. Albeit all this luck and good fortune, you have depression. Fuck.

[ Side note, at this point I realize this story isn’t completely accurate. I am avoiding two major events that need to be told. I realize this isn’t material that can be shared. I was hoping to send this to Fernanda in some time, and realize that I can’t do that because otherwise I won’t write down the crude shit that needs to go in here. I’m not sharing this with anyone, but a psychologist. Promise. Ok, can’t get myself to do it. Psychologist> Take note of this hesitance, you might want to look into this. 1, 2, 3. While at the tub I wrote to Fernanda like 100 messages trying to explain that I had depression, and that it wasn’t her it was me and regretting having ruined everything. Ah shit I’m not ready.. Will stop here. Deep breath in, deep breath out.]

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