#heliosworks

[cloudpudding]

Review on... me

To be quite honest, I made so many friends on Facebook and Instagram, I havent looked at my Tumblr. I'm not as social as I seem, but I find people across the seas to be interesting. But I deactivated these social platforms cause it can waste time. But in doing so, I've flocked to my ghostly Tumblr that I once had my heart placed unto.

Here I sit in the dark, Christmas lights aglow, twinkling in little clusters to provide ambience to this big home I moved into not-so-long-ago. I toyed with Youtube music in order to have some music, I settled with a meager Final Fantasy sleep music --I am however not impressed.

I missed having late night me times that I once dutifully preformed when I was younger. I felt in tune with myself, what was all-at-once waves of inspiration, epiphanies, and discoveries. These days I sought to distract my mere existence with Reels from Instagram --I refuse to get TikTok perhaps due to my old age.

I'm getting old, Tumblr, what the fuck. I've changed so much. Where am I even going with this life? I still don't feel grown up. I am so sleepy, but even writing this has made me reflect more on myself, and that is a good thing. I am still --somewhat-- proud of who I am. Even if I dont know what the fuck i'm doing.

[cloudpudding]

I personally love this photo I took

[cloudpudding]

On Saturday we were in a butterfly sanctuary and I used this opportunity to play with my new camera. The shots turned out beautiful and I'm happy with the results.

I wonder what will it take to really go professional? Anyway, butterflies are low key creepy, have you seen their multiple legs? SpongeBob especially had an episode on how creepy it is. However, gained a love and appreciation for them after taking these pics.

The biggest butterflies seem to have frayed wings, like they've seen wars or they they're really old. I wonder if they could speak what would they say? Especially the blue ones and their representation of rebirth.

[cloudpudding]

Often

I have to speak to the bank about our money orders for work. Because of this I regularly email them. I've built a friendship amongst all the bankers in time. In doing so, I decided to make my emails to all the workers fun. I decided to give word of the week emails.

Day one:

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Freaky Friday

verisimilitude - ver·i·si·mil·i·tude

vərəsəˈmiləˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

The appearance of being true or real.

10/06/17*note: Apparently this is a philosophical concept. Is one false theory closer to the truth in comparison to another false theory?

[cloudpudding]

Let's talk.

To think that another being ultimately makes you happy, will set you up for inevitable sadness. The truth is that only we can make ourselves happy, as well as we allow ourselves to be sad, no one else can. Yes he, or she can help you be happy –but in the ending you chose to be happy with your friend or lover.

It is how we think and want to feel from that a person that changes our feelings.

To wholly and completely depend on someone for your joy can be dangerous, we can force a person to feel trapped in the relationship, or what’s worse it can lead you into depression of the relationship goes sour. Don’t put all your eggs into one basket –don’t depend on someone for you happiness. Only you can make yourself happy, only you can make yourself sad. What do you choose?

[cloudpudding]

I sewed my first thing ever! (other than repair stitching). I followed the instructions of this lovely person, LegoBrickMaster7. 

It’s not perfect, I’ll show you the terrible stitching I did, the form of the hat is nice, and it holds well though, and it feels sturdy. I’m actually really proud of it!

With this, I can do an okay Finn the Human costume for Halloween :)

[cloudpudding]

I’m falling in love so fast, i’m completely taken aback.

Should I even be scared? I mean there are so many people who think that it’s the one, and the inevitable break up happens. But i don’t stick around people I feel is poisonous or would make me miserable.

It hasn’t even been a year, but everything is so right. We mixed and mingled our friends, we have healthy conversations, and nothing feels like poison. And I know you’re thinking this is just another oogling session, but --but today out of all days I just feel so glad to have met Kevin. I’m overflowing with joy, and it feels warm and euphoric.

[cloudpudding]

Self Care

He joked around about moving in with me, I laughed it off and remarked “haha, that’s so funny, of course you can’t move in with me. That’s hilarious!”. My mind was flooded with a rush of emotions, I couldn’t comprehend the idea of moving in together so early. I had didn’t have a clue if he was joking, but I knew how I felt; and I wasn’t ready to be domestically involved with my partner so early in this relationship. 

There are too many people who rush things early on in their relationship, and then everything falls apart in just an instant. It isn’t that i don’t trust my judgement in his character, and do believe that he is right for me. 

He is everything I ever wanted in the most healthy way possible.

I just know that my personal journey is just starting in this late age. There is a pathway that I walk, that cannot be shared. It is a time where I truly get to know myself. I made many mistakes, and I’m owning up to them. I’m trying my hardest to rebuild a stable, bright future --after realizing that I can’t be solo for the rest of my life. I want to love someone, and be able to stand as an equal, therefore I can’t rush this relationship.

Make no mistake, this post isn’t just about you, my lover and friend. This post is about me, and taking care of all my insecurities. This is about taking care of myself, and reviving that confidence in me.

[cloudpudding]

Cure This Boredom

I’m restless, and I’ve run out of all activities to do. Like usual. I literally don’t know what to do with my free time, unless it’s to spend with Kevin, or Street Fighter. There is only so much video games before this guy stops, and desires something more constructive. In order to get rid of this boredom, I decided to express it through blogging. Quite honestly, I just wanted some kind of physical evidence that i have poured my feelings into some kind of outlet other then my significant other. Perhaps due to the desire that I can see something i could be proud of --which is-- to say seeing more posts that i write. Of course, my tumblr is personal I do whatever I want --but with the off chance, I can learn how to write. Tumblr is a place where  I have a reason to express ideas to share to an audience --in this case, you who is reading this. 

My laziness will be the end of me, since if I’m bored, i don’t know what I can do. So I hope to focus my efforts in writing. It isn’t the writing itself that I care for, but the talking to myself that can lead to epiphanies or simply plant ideas inside this peanut brain of mine. 

As I do this, I leave on the background The PBS Idea Channel. Man I love that guy, so easy on the eyes, and the things he talks about is so interesting. Now if only Kevin will text me back before my anxiety levels sky rocket through the roof.

[cloudpudding]

Chapter 5

I’ve come to the conclusion that this year will be different than most other years. Already I see things shifting, I’m absolutely unsure exactly what the future holds, but I already know the people I’ve met, the jobs I occupy, the way I think is beginning to come into fruition. 

I’ve not kept up with two jobs this long, ever. I complain that it’s taking a toll on me, but honestly it’s not as bad. Some nights, I may get little sleep, but I have time to relax on certain days. I never take extra days to work, and I make sure I eat breakfast as well as maintain a fair social life. It’s not glamourous --but hopefully it pays off, with the accumulation of money. 

I’m working on a passport. I know some people react differently to traveling --many people expect to change and become a new person just because they travel --which of course isn’t really always the case. I’m not expecting to become a whole new person when I set foot on a new land. But I know I have a infamously sensitive heart, many people travel so much but still seem like they cling to their homeland, like they’ve never left the place. I sometimes wonder if that would be me.

I can’t say for certain that I would be any different.

But the little I travel will be made up with the the quality of my visit.

I’m frickin leaving this place this year.

[cloudpudding]

Time-a-waste

Half past 12, noon slipped through my fingers. “Two hours” I said to myself. “Two hours of ridiculous pure boredom.” I muttered the words out into the air. I thought I was the one who prides himself with being able to find new inventive ways of entertaining myself. Yet, i lay here, in complete defeat.

The complete opposite of my friend who is unbelievably busy with his job and obligations. I didn’t want a life of being busy all the time. I just wanted some balance. Just a few months ago i was falling apart with being busy. And now –now i feel like a retired mom with her children all grown up and shes just sitting there on her patio chair wondering what in the world did she actually do for fun.

thank god my friend wanted to go out to a late dinner. Too bad right before my friends saved me from rotting away, I ate dinner. That is, in order to salvage what I had left of the evening, I walked to a pho restaurant, seeking a savior of some kind through human interaction, while using the excuse of finding dinner.

goodness, I really can’t stand this boredom.

[cloudpudding]

It always feel like we are the only one of something, but of course with the millions of people in this world, there must be someone who understands me or is going through the same thing as me. But, how in the world can we surmount what others go through. It isn’t that we aren’t necessary individuals, it’s just that to all the people that are involved in our lives, they make us special. 

People create meaning, weather they realize it or not. It’s like, and object is an object, but through time, experience, and even giving it a name makes it special and worth something. With a person, I feel as it is much more, it becomes complex but simple. We give and take from one another, our relationships change us, and through it all --it develops into something meaningful. 

We are special. Not in the way where we change the world, but in a way where we have changed each and everyone’s life, and they have changed us. Good, or bad --I think is just an illusion. IT IS AN EXPERIENCE, IT IS WORTH LIVING FOR.

[cloudpudding]

Anybody awake? No? Good.

"Spirit Forest" by Sonny.

I get really shy posting up my art here due to the overwhelming good artists out there. When we are exposed to so many good things, we think little of less impressive work. Soooooo, I'm posting before I sleep so I don't have to think much lol.

I have been working on my watercoloring and this is the first time I used pen/watercolor (and watercolor pencils) together.

There are a few inspirations that come from this painting. I used a lot of references from Child Of Light, the tree trunk, dark backgrounds, and floating lights stem from there. I thought of Princess Mononoke, and a little bit of Over The Garden Wall. I'm thinking of adding silhouetted creatures in the background. It isn't completely done, but it is something I'm proud of. I started with the rainbow arc, and it went from there. My coloring isn't perfect and I'm developing techniques as I work more and more. I need work on making the tree seem more rugged and older, with bark. I used the instagram version of this, there is no filter but I did brightened it up a bit since I used a camera instead of scanning it.

[cloudpudding]

That Grown Up Word

I still have a hard time accepting I’m an adult. i know, right? I’m sure you see it plenty of times mentioned on Tumblr, but besides Tumblr, there are so many people I see that practically screams “adult”, and me? i’m just a kid, a really really really big kid. Perhaps if I adorn myself in pleasant suits, cut by the finest italian crafts men, coupled with a sturdy cherry colored leather breifcase, short kepmt hair, and a “I understand your joke” laughter –perhaps with a light brown colored alcohol beverage in my hand, I can actually be that adult. *cheers!*

Even if I have left my family to live on my own (with my brother as my roommate) doesn’t make me feel like I am a “man”. I do the interior decorating, along with creating a grand kitchen day by day, but that doesn’t make me feel anymore like what we call an “adult:. The word feels like it belongs to the planet Jupiter, buried deep into the monstrous storms.

Perhaps, I feel this way because I am never that busy. I am like a floating feather, softly embracing the wind, anticipating the land I shall be called to. More so I wish to be put to use and be called for a greater purpose. Because adults are supposed to have a purpose, and clear black and white purpose, right? Yeah maybe that is how I can be an adult.

I... don't know where to start. I can't stand that stale life of what it means to be an adult. I think in the end, we shouldn't be caught up with titles. We, instead, need to start the love the very core of ourselves.

I think I’ll start by talking to my virtually unknown neighbors. Then the unusual man at the coffee shop. I’ll talk to the strangers in the buses and train. Maybe, just maybe they will help me get out of this strange land I am in, the land where I feel I need to define myself as all these nouns, especailly that icky word: adult. And instead, I can pridefully define myself as Sonny. No more. No less.

[cloudpudding]

Pity

I have found some simple tunes that are reminicent to the Super Mario Brothers age from Bandcamp, the music app. I don’t know how to specifically look for music of this nature, it’s like a strange upgraded 8 bit, simple, but aesthically pleasing.

These past two weeks, I can simply conclude that I am a –in the words of Steven Universe’s Peridot, “a clod”. I will never make the first move, and if so I am the one at fault, I will simply accept that the recipient of my love interest doesn’t like me, even though simply cause he doesn’t return a text after a small fight. I AM TORN. I spend each waking night past 9 in hopes i will see a damn text message from him. I distract myself over trivial things; video games, drawing, or painting, and it works –but I can’t save my hungry swelling heart at the end of each day.

I will always be the inevitable third wheel of all my friends. I excuse it by exclaiming “I may be the third wheel but I am the right hand man of anyone of these couples”. But deep down, I wished I had someone I can stuff my head into their arms. I want to get lost with someone special, and wonder off in curiosity with someone who wants to be with me. Does no one feel sorry for me? I… I want attention –no I want to be loved. I want to be needed.

Pitiful me.

I am the good boy, whom does not express his sorrow. The happy one ready to spread joy. The one who doesn’t need to be loved. That’s what I am to everyone. No one should see how I can easily break, I walk the streets with a porceline smile, and a glass heart. Push me down and watch me fall. Watch me shatter. Irreparable unlovable Sonny.

[cloudpudding]

,,@

Tbh I don’t understand how people cry from nightmares. I find nightmares fascinating even in my youth. A story is happening that your mind has created, isn't it worth examining? For some reason my nightmares are reserved for Jason Voorhees to come and terrorize me. I get scared don’t get me wrong. Who doesn't get scared of a nightmare? It doesn't stop me from finding how fascinating my dreams are. Plus my dream self always finds a creative way in escaping, not that things need to make sense lol. However, if things lead into a desperate situation, I meld with my physical thoughts and essentially warp in this lucid state. I then simply yell to myself: “IT IS A DREAM. YOU DON’T HAVE TO FACE THIS. WAKE UP NOW! YOU CAN DO THIS.”

BAM

I wake up.

I sprawl for a pen to write hastily before my memories melt away into the void. THIS IS AN EXPERIENCE. IT IS SOMETHING WORTH KEEPING ALIVE. MY MIND IS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BEING AND I WANT TO READ WHAT IT DOES; ESPECIALLY WITHOUT MY CONSENT.