#heaven knows I don't have the self control to keep it to myself

[keydekyie]

The Grounded Sphinx

A young sphinx finds herself in a bit of a mess...

3321 words. Content warnings: foot-hold traps, very mild blood, off-screen violence.

▶──◆─◈─◇─◈─◆──◀

The stark bang of a closing iron trap shook Ciph from her thoughts and sent her leaping into the air a split second too late. The fire of pain shot through her body like a lightning strike.

The foliage all around was suddenly too close, grabbing, tangling. Her paw was caught fast. Panic spurred her to beat her wings, frantic, and new pain coursed through her wing as her primary feathers caught around a thicket and tangled tight, wrenching her elbow and twisting the joints.

She was stuck.

Her heart was hammering, her body screaming, Fly! Fly, stupid! But the futility of that was growing more apparent by the second. She held herself still, trying to breathe through the panic. 

Well… shit.

As the initial shock began to wane, Ciph took a moment to absorb what had just happened.

An iron snapjaw trap had closed around her left forepaw, and the reflexive jump she’d taken had wrenched her arm as her wings opened. Now her right wing was hopelessly tangled in the foliage. 

This was why her mother had always warned her not to follow game trails, as tempting as the winding paths were. The forest was no place for a sphinx.

Little good that did her, Ciph had always thought, but here she was. Caught in a trap, just as her mother had feared.

This was bad.

Panic rose again, and before Ciph could quell it she struggled against the trap, thrashing and spinning and straining. It was no use, of course. After a moment she tired herself out and went still, crouching stiffly at the end of the trap’s chain and gasping for breath in the smashed-down grass.

It was late in the afternoon, likely late enough that the human who had set this trap wouldn’t be back to check it before dark. Where did that leave her? Well, if a pack of direroden didn’t come sniffing, perhaps by morning Ciph could find a way to get out of this mess.

She shut her eyes for a moment, bracing herself. She hadn’t yet been able to look at her paw, fearing what she’d see. Cautiously, she opened her eyes and peered down at it.

There wasn’t much blood, which surprised her. The jaws were clamped just below her wrist, and the iron teeth were gouging deep ruts into her flesh, but the teeth weren’t very sharp and most of the pain was coming from the pressure, not punctures. She reached over with her free paw and gave a tentative pull on one side of the trap, but it was shut tighter than a drake’s jaws.

She shifted, bringing a hind foot up to brace against the trap, and gave it a firmer tug, to no avail.

Well, the trap was anchored to the ground, perhaps she could untie it. She tried to limp over to the anchor, but her tangled wing kept her from reaching it. If she hadn’t panicked when the trap snapped shut, she could probably have dug the anchor out of the earth. 

She was going to have to pry open the trap.

Ciph huffed, set her ears determinedly, and tried again. And again. And again. The sun set, the sky darkened, and she kept tugging and pulling and moving about, trying to find the right leverage to pry the trap open. 

Finally, Ciph had to lay down and rest. Perhaps she wasn’t strong enough to brute-force her way out. She’d have to think it through.

The trap consisted of a pair of jaws, alongside two wing-like levers that had pushed the jaws closed. If she could compress the levers, the jaws would slide open. The problem was that she only had one free paw, and with her wing tangled up, she couldn’t bring her foot around to the right angle to step on the other lever. 

So… what now?

Ciph sighed, laying her head down on her arm. She had heard tales of creatures gnawing their own feet off to escape these traps, would she have to do the same? Her stomach turned, but something deep in the back of her mind twinged readily at the thought, and Ciph knew she would do it if she had to.

She prayed to the gods she wouldn’t have to.

Perhaps in the morning light she’d be able to think of something more clever.

By morning Ciph’s muscles were aching terribly. Panic had dulled the initial pain, but she’d yanked her arm very hard when the trap was first sprung, and her tangled wing wasn’t happy either. Everything felt sore, including her brain. There’d been no sleeping through the discomfort.

Still, there was work to be done.

Ciph took another look at the trap, hoping daylight would illuminate some little pin she could pull, or a screw she could twist. She fiddled with the levers, trying to find a way to squeeze down one and then the other, but that didn’t work. Her paw wasn’t strong enough, nor the weight of her body heavy enough, to compress them both at the same time.

Then she heard voices on the wind, and she looked up.

Humans.

The owners of the trap, most likely. There were two, both men, one short and scruffy and the other lanky and blond. They stood watching from the other side of the glade, whispering to each other and pointing. They had a sly manner about them, like zatels eyeing up a pheasant’s nest.

Ciph growled low in her throat, tail lashing. It had to be obvious to them she was trapped and helpless, but still they were slow to approach. Well, small as humans were, it was caution that likely kept them alive in this dangerous country.

Finally they made their way towards Ciph, steps crunching quietly in the spring grass. 

"No horns, see?” the short trapper said, gesturing to Ciph’s head. “Young, then."

The blond trapper glanced up at the sky warily. “That means the mother may be nearby.”

“We should hurry, then.”

“Can you speak?” the blond trapper asked Ciph.

Ciph swallowed back a hiss, steadying herself. “Yes,” she croaked.

The trappers frowned at each other. 

"Should we…?" the short trapper grumbled.

A chill wind shuddered the trees, and the blond trapper scratched his chin. “If it can walk on its own two feet, perhaps… but it’s going to struggle. Sphinx don’t take to being led. We’d need more men either way. It’s almost as big as one of our garjen.”

"We could go and come back…"

"And walk right into the mother's claws? I think not. We should take what we can and go quickly."

Take? Ciph wondered in horror, looking between the trapper’s faces. Take what?

The short trapper shrugged. "I'm just saying, I know a noble who'd pay more for a sphinx pelt than we make in a year."

"Too much trouble. If they'd pay for the pelt, they'll pay for… let's see…" the blond trapper looked Ciph over, as though appraising a hunk of meat. "The tail, the paws, some feathers certainly. Perhaps the wings entire, if we can conceal them."

Ciph’s fur prickled. 

“We could each carry one under our coats, I think,” the short trapper suggested. “At least until we get back to camp.”

“Well, best get started, then.” The blond trapper raised a crossbow from behind his back, leveling it right at Ciph’s face.

Ciph balked, eyes wide, but she couldn’t bring herself to beg, not to these creatures. Instead, she looked the trapper in his cold gray eyes, bared her fangs, and hissed.

He hesitated, swallowing, and suddenly his shorter companion gripped his arm to get his attention. 

“What? The mother?” the blond trapper whispered, cringing down and looking up at the sky, but that wasn’t where the danger was. 

The shorter trapper was looking behind, back across the glade. He whimpered.

Ciph followed his gaze, and almost laughed.

As if she didn’t have enough problems already.

Ciph had seen Kanai before, but always from on the wing or a high vantage point. She’d thought of them as sort of wingless, giant sphinx, and she attributed their bad tempers and grim senses of humor to being grounded like humans were. Who could blame them?

But she’d never been stuck on the ground with them before.

There were three, young, watching from the other side of the glade. They were all staring at the human trappers in the eager, predatory way hunters did when they’d spotted prey. The air itself seemed to still in response, a hush falling over the forest. 

The trappers clearly knew how doomed they were.

The blond one suddenly bolted, diving into the brush like a mink into water. His companion fretted aimlessly in dismay for a breath, looking about him as though anything in the vicinity could save him, then fled into the forest in another direction.

The Kanai all lunged forward, two after one trapper and one after the other, and vanished to either side, out of Ciph’s sight. She crouched down, hoping desperately that her spots had concealed her in the grass and none of them would come sniffing.

They’d all looked to be youngsters. Ciph’s mother had warned her the children were far more dangerous than adults.

For a few tense moments, Ciph lay there listening to the wind pick back up and rustle the leaves. Could she be so lucky?

But soon approaching footsteps rumbling in the earth told Ciph that staying concealed had been too much to hope for. She sat up, trying to quell her racing heart and settle her puffed-up feathers. She’d meet this with as much dignity as she could muster.

Being friendly with Kanai was said to be a good habit. They were reliable foresters, careful time-keepers, and often willing to share food in exchange for knowledge, especially of their own kin in distant territories. Ciph and her mother had attended many Kanai festivals and gatherings over the years, but always at a sensible distance.

Being friendly was a good habit, but so was staying well out of reach.

Unfortunately, there was no staying out of reach with one paw in a foot-hold trap and one wing tangled in a bush.

A fourth Kanai appeared in the glade. No less a child than the others, but her demeanor was different. Unlike the first three, this one seemed… tired? Miffed? Not so eager, anyway. She sighed heavily and stood up on her back legs to look around, peering over the trees for signs of the others. She sniffed the air, and then her eyes fell on Ciph.

The Kanai blinked curiously, tilted her head, and fell back onto all fours. The earth shook.

Ciph’s dignity went up in smoke as the Kanai loped forward, eyes bright. With each step closer the ground trembled.

Finally, as the Kanai came close, Ciph couldn’t stand it anymore. “Stay back!” she snarled, fur and feathers all standing on end.

The Kanai paused, raising a quizzical round eyebrow, and smirked. “Aren’t you stuck?”

“Of course not.”

“You look pretty stuck to me.”

Ciph’s tail lashed, rustling the dead grass.

“It’s alright,” said the Kanai. “I want to help you.”

Glaring silently, Ciph considered this. She thought of the trappers, and the other Kanai that had run after them. Would those Kanai be back to chase her next? Would they be as polite as this one if they found her still bound as she was?

“Fine,” Ciph grumbled. “Some help would be… appreciated.”

The Kanai smiled, bowing her head, then approached. She sniffed the ground, looking the trap over. “Ah, one of the snapping kinds. I see.”

The Kanai shuffled closer, looming over Ciph like a mountain. Panic again begged Ciph to beat her wings and fight with everything she had to escape, but through sheer force of will she managed to stay still. The Kanai lay down, which made her seem no less enormous, and reached for the trap with both hands.

“The trick is to pinch these side parts, see? It makes it open,” the Kanai said gently, pointing to the lever arms on each side of the trap.

Ciph watched the claws as they came closer. They put her own little thorns to shame.

“Here, I’ll pinch them,” said the Kanai, “you pull your hand out. Are you ready?”

Ciph couldn’t find her voice, but she nodded. 

The Kanai gripped the levers between her claws, careful not to shift the trap too much as she held it, then squeezed.

The jaws of the trap loosened, and Ciph pulled out her paw.

Fear, for a moment, drove the thought of her tangled wing from Ciph’s mind, and she thrashed backwards in an abrupt and undignified bid for freedom. 

“Whoa! Stop! Stop!” The Kanai sat up and grabbed the ensnaring tree to hold it steady. “You’re still stuck! Hold still!”

Every movement the Kanai made was more frightening than the last. Ciph snarled at her and scrambled madly for purchase, clawing up clumps of grass and beating her trapped wings against the grasping foliage.

Suddenly the Kanai let go of the tree and backed away, ears tucked. Ciph gasped for breath and collapsed in a disheveled pile of leaves and feathers.

Neither of them moved for a moment, and Ciph’s nose caught the sharp scent of fresh blood. She looked herself over, but nothing seemed any more damaged than it was before.

“Sorry,” the Kanai said quietly. “Are you alright?”

Ciph glared at her. The Kanai’s ears were still lowered, her eyes wide. She seemed nervous.

“Oh yes, I’m having a fabulous time. Thank you,” Ciph mumbled.

The Kanai grimaced and lowered her head. “Your wing is so tangled.”

“I noticed.”

“I can… I can help…”

Ciph snorted, then shifted to sit up. “I can manage, but thank you.” Twisting awkwardly, Ciph reached up to pull at her primary feathers. The tree branches were woven through them with all the durability of a reed basket, and none of the precision. What a mess.

Still, Ciph set her jaw and got to work, picking at the twisted branches and feathers. Her shoulder twinged at an errant motion, and she couldn’t hide the gasp of pain.

“Can I help? Please?” the Kanai begged, leaning forward. “I won’t hurt you, I promise.”

Ciph paused, looking up into the Kanai’s black eyes, and noticed the smell of blood again. She glanced down at the Kanai’s nearby hand and cringed.

Well, her little thorns had found a mark. In all her earlier flailing, Ciph had caught the Kanai’s hand with her claws in a few places. The blood was barely visible in the nearly-black fur, but the sheen of it and the smell was unmistakable. 

Ciph sighed, shaking her head. “Fine, fine. You can help, just… be careful. I’ve only got two wings and I’d very much like to keep both.”

“Of course.”

The Kanai shuffled closer, reaching tentatively for Ciph’s trapped wing and the entangling branches. Ciph braced herself, expecting to be grabbed the way she’d seen trappers handle their quarry, but the Kanai did nothing of the sort.

Just one of the Kanai’s hands could have wrapped all the way around Ciph’s body, but the creature was very careful. She held the wing with remarkable gentleness, claws brushing delicately over the feathers. Almost too gentle, hesitant, as though afraid.

“This isn’t too bad,” the Kanai murmured, “it’s just that this blightvine is all wrapped up in the branches too. That’s why your feathers don’t want to just slide out.”

“Blightvine?”

“Yes, it’s this plant here.” The Kanai pulled on a strand and tugged it out of the mess, then held it out for Ciph to see. “It’s common in stands like this. It likes to tangle things. You wouldn’t have gotten stuck if it weren’t growing all over this birch tree.”

“I see…” Ciph couldn’t say she was altogether that interested in botany, but it was good to know for future reference. She’d commit the look of the shiny leaves and their planty scent to memory. 

The Kanai was making good progress on the wing, faster than Ciph would have guessed. Her long, sickle-shaped claws were making short work of the blightvine, and as she pulled the plants away the feathers were freed one by one.

“Your feathers are so pretty,” the Kanai murmured reverently, almost to herself.

Ciph frowned at her horrendously mangled wing. It looked like a dead animal. “Uh… thanks?”

“I mean, you know… the ones that aren’t messed up.”

“Sure.”

“A-actually, even the messed up ones…” The Kanai flushed and shifted awkwardly. “I mean, they’re all… nevermind. Sorry.”

Ciph smiled. What an earnest creature. “I’ll take the compliment. I’m sure I’ll be able to fix them anyway, with enough preening.”

The Kanai looked relieved at this. As she continued delicately extricating the tangled wing, she cocked her head, looking Ciph over again. “Aren’t you kind of small for a sphinx? How old are you?”

Ciph’s nose twitched. She wasn’t actually sure of that, anymore. Not since… well, not for a few years. “Old enough.”

“Old enough for what? Getting killed by poachers?”

“Apparently,” Ciph snorted.

“Well… I’d feel bad leaving you here by yourself. Do you have a family somewhere?”

Ciph sighed and rolled her head to the side. “Somewhere? Probably.”

The Kanai frowned, confused.

“I’ll be alright,” Ciph explained. “I’ve been on my own for awhile, now. I’m used to it.”

“But your wing…”

“It’s fine. It just needs some rest and grooming.”

“But this is the far edge of our territory, it’s not safe for you here. There are a lot of humans.”

“Two fewer now, I should think.”

“Yes, well…” The Kanai rolled her eyes. “Those poachers weren’t alone. You’d be safer further north.”

And with that, the Kanai pulled the last of the tangling branches out of Ciph’s wing. Ciph stumbled a few paces back and spent a moment flexing it, but it was very sore from being stuck and twisted all night. It didn’t want to fold nicely against her body the way it usually did, so she let it hang limply at her side. It looked quite pathetic.

“I can carry you a little ways north, if you want,” the Kanai offered, sitting back on her haunches. “There’s a mountain with a cave that’s hard to reach, you could rest there.”

“I know the one. I… I suppose I have no choice but to accept. But those other Kanai who came before you, do you know them?”

“They’re my brothers, yes. I don’t think they’ll bother you, but if they try to…” A fierce look came into the Kanai’s eyes for a moment, flashing like sun on the water. “I’ll be certain they regret it.”

Ciph chuckled and flicked her tail, equal parts appreciative and intimidated. “Do you think they…” she hesitated, searching for a more delicate word but finding none. “Do you think they ate those poachers?”

“Definitely. They’re probably off looking for the rest of the group now.”

“Oh.” Ciph sat back, surprised at the quick answer. She hadn’t thought Kanai would admit to such things so readily. “Good.”

The Kanai squinted at her, dubious.

“Do you eat a lot of humans?” Ciph asked.

“Me? No. My brothers do. I’ve lost count how many.”

“But you don’t?”

“Not really. It’s weird to eat things that can talk.”

Ciph scoffed. “‘Talk’ is a generous way to describe what humans do. ‘Scheme incessantly’ is more accurate.”

The Kanai chuckled at that.

“Anyway, thanks for the help, and apologies for being so reluctant to accept it. Oh, and also apologies for the, um… the scratches.”

“Oh that’s alright,” the Kanai laughed, looking down at her hand. “I don’t mind. I’m just happy I could help.”

“I’m called Ciph, by the way.”

“Good to meet you, Ciph.” The Kanai turned to smile down at her warmly. “My name is Sliuk.”

[ramp-it-up]

Anatomy of a Kiss

Summary: You and Logan agree on one thing: you both hate each other. So what happens when you kiss him?

Word count: 4.2 K

Pairing: Logan Howlett x Reader

Warnings: 18+ Only, Minors DNI. S MUT Not Beta’d. ONE DEADPOOL X WOLVERINE SPOILER AHEAD! Read at your own risk. S MUT! Enemies to lovers; snark to fluff, idiots in love; use of the words stupid, dumb, insipid as insults. Reader's father is either a mobster or a mutant villain, or both; (Reader may or may not be a mutant herself), a couple dark themes and mention of parent death; Reader has Daddy issues; Reader is a thicc girlie; Princess and Old Man as nicknames; there are two slaps; a tipsy kiss; povs switch thorughout the fic. pining; insinuations of masturbation, oral (f receiving), spitting, praise and degredation kink, size kink, creampie, cum play, explicit sex acts, raw p in v (wrap it up) voice kink, this Logan is Dom Logan.

A/N: This was in my soul for a couple of weeks, but I don't feel it's all that great. Here goes. Let me know if you like it by reblogging, liking and commenting please. Thank you. ☺️

I no longer have a taglist. Please follow @rampitupandread and turn on notifications to learn when I post! 😘

I Do NOT Consent to my work being reposted, translated or presented on any other blog or site other than by myself.

-----

The biggest mistake that Logan Howlett ever made in his life was kissing you back.

Because now he was never going to get you out of his system. 

—--

You were celebrating.

Being being voted best small business owner and philanthropist in the city was a big fucking deal. You decided to let your hair down and let go of your famous self-control and discipline for one night.

And now you were tooted on most of a bottle of Moet and Chandon as you walked back to your high rise apartment from the civic center.

It was a perfect night and you stopped and smiled at the moon, feeling sublime. 

Until you heard his voice.

“Keep moving before I throw you over my shoulder and get you inside myself, Princess.”

You rolled your eyes at your body guard, the only thing your father offered you that you didn’t reject.

Because you weren’t stupid. 

Other than sharing his dna, you were not like your father at all, and you divested yourself of everything that had to do with him.

“What about the penthouse? You kept that.”

Your body felt engulfed as if by flames. You were angry, both at the fact that you’d apparently said all that out loud, and at Logan’s audacity.

“Fuck you, Howlett. The apartment is my mother’s. But she died because of my dad and that’s why he wants to “protect” me.”

You wobbled as you did your air quotes, and you could sense Logan ready to spring to catch you if you fell. You recovered quickly, however, refusing to give him the satisfaction.

“But he can't seem to do the one thing that will protect me. Get out of the life. He’s an old man, for heaven’s sake!”

Logan chuckled and shook his head.

“He’s not so old.”

You were in full blown argument mode.

“He’s over 70.”

“Like I said, he’s not so old. And you don’t know so much, little girl. Life is not that simple.”

“I am 32 years old, Mr. Howlett. I am not one of those little girls that fawn all over you. I am a woman.”

You straightened up and you knew that your thick body in the black cocktail dress was banging.

Logan’s eyes reflected your body, although he was staring back into yours. He’d taken it all in earlier.

“You are a teeny, tiny little Princess.”

He was fucking infuriating as he smiled down at you like that. The alcohol made you step to him.

“Someone needs to kiss that insipid smirk off your face, Howlett.”

That stupid eyebrow shot up, and your belly flipped.

Slap. You meant slap, but Logan was quicker than your champagne brain.

“I dare you, Princess.”

—-----

After what happened happened, you hightailed it back to your building, the electricity zapping around the elevator as you stared each other down. As soon as the doors opened, you moved as quickly as your tipsy legs would take through your foyer and living room and down the hallway to your bedroom door.

Logan followed you.

“Princess��”

The door slammed in his face, and he stood there for a good five minutes, restraining himself from knocking it down, before he relented and made his way back to his own room. 

He’d confront you tomorrow (later today), when you were sober.

—-

On the other side of the door, you were thinking of packing your bags and moving to South America. You needed a continent between you and Logan. How in the world had you allowed yourself to give in to a drunken urge that manifested the late night thoughts that you’d had for months? 

You were slipping. Bad.

You absolutely could not face him the next day. You leaned against the door, relieved when you heard him leave, and touched your lips. They still felt as if they were swollen from the kiss. 

You were sobering up now, remembering it. But just a few minutes ago that dare was all you needed to immediately lock your lips onto his. 

You also remembered the way he’d pulled away in shock and stared at your mouth for a beat before he grabbed your hair, pulled you close again, and kissed you so good that your toes curled.

“Fuck! Fuck fuck FUCK! Fuck my life!”

You were losing control. And that was not good. Not good at all.

—

Logan couldn’t get you out of his mind. 

And that pissed him off.

He lay in bed, and thought about how, (if he could die) under penalty of death he would never admit just how often he thought about you.

He’d been glad for the room at your place that came with the job; bunking with Wade and Althea was getting real old, real fast. 

But suddenly this arrangement felt too close for comfort.

You didn’t need to know about the fact that the movie playing behind his closed eyelids during his little shower workouts every night was your sexy smile, or the way your ass filled out your jeans. Especially those black ones.

And when he thought about you wearing those jeans with that wrap around shirt that showcased your tits just right. Well, fuck. He’d have gallons of cum for the shower drain.

Nah, you knowing that would only stroke your ego. Somehow, his mind drifted to the other things of yours that needed stroking.

“Oh, Fuck all!”

He sat up and sat on the edge of his bed, reaching for a cigar, reason number 634 why you hated him. 

But if you hated him so much, then why did you kiss him tonight?

—---

Why did you do it? You didn’t even like Logan. In fact you hated him.

Right?

You loathed the way he called you Princess, an obvious reminder that you were a trust fund baby, although you were far from a child, and to spite the fact that you were trying to make your own way.

You hated him from the top of his ridiculous thick hair, to the soles of his huge shit-kicker boot clad feet. You hated how tall and how ripped he was, the way his arm veins threaded atop the muscles there and led the way to his thick, calloused fingers that felt so nice against your skin.

You hated the chest hair that poked out from the top of the tacky tank tops and flannel shirts he always wore underneath the ever present leather jacket, and the way his blue jeans showcased the muscles in his thighs. 

And you absolutely NEVER accidentally gazed at his crotch and ascertained that he was packing.

That would be asinine.

And his stupid face. That was the kicker. Logan’s face would be handsome if he didn’t wear that ridiculous smirk all the time on that mouth that might look nice if he was normal. 

The mouth that felt nice against yours. 

That might feel nice against your…

You groaned around your toothbrush and rolled your eyes at yourself, fully sober now after a quick cold shower. But somehow your body was still warm and buzzing.

What the fuck had you done?

— 

Logan didn’t even like you.

You were bossy, irritating, loud. 

Fuck, you were loud, always chattering away to your customers, always smiling and making them feel at home. 

He absolutely loathed the way you were trying to make your own living, despite the fact that your father was loaded. Running a food truck with the best tacos in town drew hundreds of people every day and giving away a portion of your food to the unhoused every night was what irritated Logan the most. 

More people to watch.

He was sure you did it to surround him with more people to hate. He just knew that you liked pushing his buttons. 

You just reveled in being the anti-Logan.

The more he glared, the more you glowed. 

On fucking purpose.

The kicker was you cranking up the karaoke machine on Thursday nights and belting it out to Journey or REO Speedwagon. It was so annoying. 

Especially the way you closed your eyes and swayed to the music during the bridge. The happy look on your face wasn’t beautiful at all, it was simple, and he didn’t memorize every curve of your face because it was a dumb one.

He couldn’t get away, because he had three months left on the security contract your father signed with him.

It was unfortunate, because you just wouldn’t shut up.

Except when his tongue was in your mouth.

No. 

Even then, you made noises. 

Those delicious little moans that vibrated down his spine and made his dick harder with every second. Moans that made him see visions of your mouth wrapped around his cock. Moans that gave him a waking dream of you giving him head, and…

Fuck, now Logan had a raging hard on and could not sleep for the life of him. 

He really did not like you.

—--

Kissing Logan had you in a tailspin. 

You punched your pillow as you tossed and turned in bed and conjured positive thoughts.

You could forget this.

Pretend it never happened.

Convince yourself that he didn’t taste like heaven and hell and the best fucking thing in a long time.

You could forget.

It was fine.

Everything was just fucking fine. 

All you had to do was completely forget the way he made you feel when he slid his tongue into your mouth. It was easy. 

Except you were wet as fuck. 

“Listen, bitch. You are not doing me any favors right now,” you mumbled to your cunt. 

She didn't care. 

Your pussy just continued to clench on air as if to say, “He’s right down the hall. Let’s just go finish what we started.”

You groaned and tried to smother yourself with your pillow.

It didn’t work.

—-

Logan just kept thinking of the way you stared at him between kisses. Lips parted on a gasp, plump and soft, right before he'd slipped his hand on your neck and kissed you again. Now your taste haunted him.

Logan huffed and put his head in his hands. Flashes of the kiss played like a movie in his head. Finally, he stood up and went to his door, ready to settle this once and for all.

When he opened it, there you were, in just a black camisole and panties, and god, did he want you.

But there was your mouth again.

“I fucking hate you.”

The problem with that was, he could smell you. You might be saying that you hated him, but your body was calling him right now. And Logan’s knees were weak at the power of his lust.

When you looked him in the eye, you licked your lips, your eyes dilated, your nipples tightened into stiff peaks, and your pussy weeping for him, Logan knew it was the end of the line of his self-restraint.

You smelled delicious, like your mandarin orange body wash and your wet-for-him cunt. 

He stepped toward you and you slapped his face, leaving him with a grin on his face.

Then you slapped him again.

“You got it out of your system now? That anger?”

He cocked that damned eyebrow at you and moved even closer. 

“Or is it frustration?”

——

You were in trouble now.

Not because you were scared Logan was going to hurt you.

Just the opposite.

Logan dipped his head to smell at your pulse point, body so close, but never touching you. Your arms went to grab his impossible shoulders and that's when his huge paws grabbed your hips, dragging you further into his room as he backed toward his bed.

He was full on nuzzling your neck now, and your eyes were rolling as the tension between you two was finally ebbing.

The words came tumbling out.

“I’m so fucking angry that you get me so frustrated, you ass..”

You were turning your head toward his, wanting his lips again, on his lap now, crotch sat on his unbuttoned jeans, and refusing to move to ignite the fire.

Logan grunted at you.

“I see that. You’re trying to stare me down even though you are leaking all over me.”

Your body clenched and got wetter at the naming of that fact. You were terrified of what might happen next.

Yet you wanted it so badly.

——

Logan couldn’t wait any more.

He removed one hand from gripping the flesh at your hips that he’d fantasized about for months, to trailing up your cheek to your hair to take off your scarf.

His fingers were in your hair again and your eyelids stuttered as you mouth dropped open for air.

That made him so fucking hard. And it made him want to kiss you again.

He had to know.

“What are you here for, Princess?”

——

His sexy whisper would do you in.

For good.

“I don’t know.”

Logan was staring at you like you were the treasure chest at the end of a quest as you tried to remain as still as possible on his lap. It was so hard.

Logan was so hard beneath you.

“Oh? Let’s run it back to earlier when you weren’t letting that big brain of yours get in the way.”

Frustration surged within you and your mouth got reckless.

“Stop yapping and just do it already.”

——-

“There’s my girl,” Logan growled at you as his dick responded to the challenge and his eyes flashed at your tone.

“Always busting my balls, aren’t you? Need to give that smart mouth something else to do.” 

Before you could reply, Logan’s lips covered yours so perfectly that it was like magnetic puzzle pieces. You fit together and locked. 

Logan’s tongue traced your lower lip and he drew it into his mouth, nibbling, gently at first and then nipping more harshly, causing a gasp and enabling entry. His tongue swiped at yours as he dominated you.

You were not going to win this round.

——

You could only whimper and grab his shoulders tighter as he kissed you. For all that was holy, why did his kisses have to be so damn good?

One of your hands ventured into the thick hair you’d dreamt of feeling between your fingertips and pulled as your desire peaked. Then your palms went to his face as he pulled away and you squirmed as you realized what was about to happen. 

“What are you here for, Princess?”

That question again.

That voice. It rumbled straight to your core and Logan wasn’t letting you off the hook. 

Logan wasn’t letting you up off of him. 

The hardness of his metal button and zipper, but mostly him (oh god he was huge) chaffed your thighs as he sealed his lips over yours again and his hand went from your scalp down your neck and back to your hip again, holding you down to feel him.

You finally moved, smearing your wetness all over your panties and his jeans and Jesus, it felt so good.

——

Logan’s eyes took in all of you in your scanty clothing, following your every movement and when his eyes moved down to your damp panties he swallowed audibly. He clenched his jaw with the strain of holding back.

Logan couldn’t deny that he wanted you. His 200 year old heart felt brand new.

“Mmmmph. Here for this feeling Logan.” 

Your voice was the greatest symphony. His stomach clenched when you looked him in the eye.

“I’m here for you.”

You leaned forward and nuzzled his cheek with your nose, then whispered a demand in his ear.

“Touch me, Logan.”

Without thinking, but instinctively careful of you, Logan’s claws extended, shredding the sides of your panties and rendering them in pieces. 

“Fuck!”

You gasped as he stood up with you in his retracted grip and threw you on the bed, the scraps of your underwear abandoning you.

He couldn’t stand it anymore, he was so weak for you. He was on his knees at the foot of the bed as he ran his rough hands up and down your legs.

——-

“I’m touching you, now what?”

He spoke to you, but he was looking at the juncture of your thighs, at the well-manicured hair there, all casual, as if he weren’t teasing the hell out of you.

You had something for him.

“If you don’t know what to do, then I’ll show you.”

You reached up and took off your camisole and Logan’s eyes raked upwards and widened at the sight of what you were holding, which was your breast in one hand, as you pinched and rolled your own nipple. Your other hand trailed down your body as your legs fell open to give yourself access to your clit, which you had the nerve to play with in front of Logan’s face. 

——

Now he was the one who was angry.

Logan snarled, then batted your hand away.

“Careful Princess. Don’t poke the Wolverine.”

His hands tightened on your thighs and pulled you to the edge of the bed where he was.

———

Logan leaned down, his hot breath ghosting your pussy as he looked up at you with those gorgeous brown eyes. 

You couldn’t let the moment get too tender.

“What if the Wolverine wants to poke–”

Logan’s hand covered your mouth, cutting you off at just the moment he licked a long, hot, wet stripe up the center of you and then pursed his lips around your clit to suck at you ruthlessly.

Your smart ass remark was forgotten as a moan bubbled up into your throat. Logan took his hand away once it was clear that you couldn’t talk anymore, or at least that your capacity for sass had diminished. 

You were leaning up on your elbow and watching him feast on you, convulsing with each swipe of his broad tongue and each pull on your clit.

As mesmerized as you were at his skill, you managed to brush his thick dark hair away from his eyes so that he could see properly. You didn’t want anything getting in the way of the best head you’d ever received.

——-

Logan’s hands were now palming the most delicious meal he’d ever eaten; you were practically sitting on his fingers. For him, you tasted even better than you smelled. He couldn’t believe it.

He looked up at you incredulously, watching your breasts moving with each heave of your lungs trying to capture air, and your mouth open to capture it. He met your eyes and frowned at you as he reached down and stroked his pulsing cock.

“What’s wrong?”

“The fucking Cuties you eat all day long. They got you tasting like a fucking orange. ‘S fucking impossible.”

He yanked you closer and buried his face between your legs. You made those cute little noises with every swipe of his tongue, and he licked and sucked until you convulsed in his hands, screaming.

You were still trying to catch your breath before he was on you, licking and suckling your hard and soft breasts.

“Damn,” you murmured as Logan swiped his thick, bulbous head into your entrance and meeting resistance, “You’re so fucking huge Logan.”

It wasn’t the first time he’d heard that phrase, but coming from you it hit different. His chest puffed with pride.

Logn smiled into your neck, inhaling your scent and growling against your skin.

“Don’t be scared, Princess. I’ll make it feel good for you. I should be more worried than you are. I’m gonna split you open, but you are about to shatter me into a thousand pieces.”

He didn't mean to tell you the absolute truth. But he had.

Logan knew there was no coming back from this for him.

——

You shuddered at the words which were breathed over your skin.

Logan trailed the tip of his tongue up the side of your neck the looked you in the eye. It was too much.

You lowered your gaze and he chuckled, making you sigh when he tugged on your lobe with his teeth and started pushing inside you. It was slow, but sensual and somehow still desperate. 

With each increment of himself that he gave you, you felt destroyed, yet you wanted more. You clutched at his chest as you widened your legs for him, as if that would help.

“No one else has ever made me feel this way. Hurts so good, Logan. More. Please?”

The question was, were you just talking about his penis?

——-

You begging him made Logan want to cry as he slipped further inside of you. When he bottomed out, you both shuddered, you at the sensation of such fullness, and him at the way you were so snugly and warmly wrapped around him.

“Fuck! Princess. Should have known you would be hot and tight. But I wasn’t ready.”

Logan wasn’t ready for you at all.

—-

His pupils were completely blown and the look on Logan’s face made you clench down even tighter as he stroked deeper into you. 

“Y-yess, feels so good.” 

You felt like liquid in his arms. Your hands moved over his shoulders as you hitched your thigh around his hips. He ran his hand up your thigh and around to your leg, holding you in place as he began to pound into you harder.

You whispered a confession into his ear.

“I’ve dreamed about this so many times.” 

Logan lifted his head from watching his cock destroy you, his brow arched in surprise. 

“You’ve dreamt about me?” 

You bit your lip and nodded, all of a sudden feeling shy. 

“At night after a tense night between us, I’d go to my room and imagine that you’d follow me to…shut me up.”

Your lashes fanned your face as you smirked.

“Oh yeah?”

Logan swiveled his hips and you gasped. He was lighting you up from the inside.

“Sounds like a cool dream, Princess,” he said, leaning down to your ear.

“But you’re talking far too much in reality.”

And he began snapping his hips at a frenzied pace, causing your back to arch and your mouth to fall open, leaving you moaning until you screamed with your orgasm.

You couldn’t talk; hell you couldn’t even think when he was going like this.

——

At this point, there was no more finesse; Logan was stroking in and out of you, almost completely leaving you and reentering just to feel that sensation again. The way his fat cockhead breached you was like no other feeling in the world.

Your arched back was displaying your breasts to him at a perfect angle. It inspired something within him.

“Look at you Princess. All gorgeous and fucked out and taking this cock for me. All dumb now. Bet you like not having to think so much. Just take it like the good little slut you are for me, yeah?”

His filthy commentary made the coil in your belly snap, and you came like a freight train, squeezing him so much that he had pull out to keep from coming himself.

He kissed you as you could only whimper in protest. Logan felt a warmth blooming in his chest that he hadn’t felt in a long time, if at all, as you lay melted in his arms.

He couldn’t wait to be back inside you.

“Can’t tell you how many times I dreamt about having you under me just… like… this….”

And he slid back home.

“Mmm… those lips down there suck my tip so well, how will these lips do?”

Logan’s thick thumb was in your mouth and you swirled your tongue around it to show him what your mouth could do. He groaned and pried your mouth open with his hand.

“Keep it open and do what I say.”

——-

The band was tightening in your belly again. You knew what was coming and nearly came again when Logan spit into your mouth. The orgasms were blending together now.

“Swallow.”

You did, and Logan thrust into you hard an deep while thrumming your clit. That was all it took for you to cum again and this time, you gushed around him, making a mess on his bed.

He looked down in disbelief and laughed with glee, handling you like a fuck doll to do with as he pleased.

That's when you realized that you loved being used by him.

“Bet ya didn’t dream you’d be such a dirty little slut for me, did ya, Princess?”

——

Logan realized that he was your slut, too. He was lost to your sounds, the sight of your beautiful lust drunk face, and the feeling of your cunt squeezing him with multiple orgasms now.

He started tracing urgent circles on your clit again.

“Look at me.”

That’s when you said the most beautiful words to him.

“So fucking good L-Logan. Cum inside me. Please. ‘M on the pill.”

“Music to… my fucking.. ears….”

——

Logan’s fingers moved to your shoulders, holding you captive as he stroked deeper and harder. His harsh breaths in your ear increased, the most erotic sound in the world.

You clamped down on him and he growled, his cock pulsing as he spilled inside you, the warm wave of fluid combing and causing a lovely, filthy mess.

It was so satisfying.

And you couldn’t let it lie.

——

He pulled out and stared at the ceiling in disbelief, before looking over at you to find you playing in his cum and licking your fingers, leaning over to give him a taste on your lips.

“What? You tired, Old Man?”

He shook his head and laughed as his cock came back to life.

Kissing you back had been the biggest mistake of his life.

He was never going to get you out of his system.

And he wasn't sure he wanted to.

-----

You shivered as Logan loomed over you, with that damned eyebrow cocked and that smirk on his face.

“Oh Princess. You have no idea what you’re in for.”

Then Logan grabbed you and kissed you again.

——

Reblog if you enjoyed it! 🥰

[ilanorgratvol]

I know, there are plenty playlists for our gorgeous Wizard of Waterdeep, but I just had to let it out of my system.

What strikes me the most about this one is that like almost every song for me is associated with some stage during Gale's life (well, almost, I'm still filling the gaps). And I just can't stop and listening to it, imagining all these events in my head.

I hope someone will find this interesting.

Goddess of the Rain - the stage of ultimate devotion of Mystra. Young Gale, had just gotten the attention of the Goddess of Magic herself and is eager to prove himself worthy.

Take me to your church Teach me how to sing Show me how to pray

Break me as you will Let me be your priest Let me be your prey

Let me rise to stand Here beside your form As your right handHere within the storm

Paradise - we've gotten Stockholm syndrome, guys :) Gale is still devoted to his Goddess but started to realise all toxicity of their relationships. Is he able to go away? Well, not now.

"In the most nights, she keep returning in her weaves..."

Toxic, kinda' crazy, hot Keeps me underneath her thumb Robs me of my dignity tonight Always wants to take a piece And chew me up and spit me out Just enough to get me through the night Before I know it— I'm just doing what she says Yes, I'm doing this...

Wrong Side of Heaven - Gale has already gotten the Orb and was abandoned by Mystra. He feels frustrated and lost and locks himself in his tower.

I spoke to God today And she said that she's ashamed What have I become? What have I done? I spoke to the devil today And he swears he's not to blame And I understood 'Cause I feel the same

Goodbye Cruel World - Gale lost himself in self-pity.

Whoa, goodbye cruel world I'm off to join the circus Gonna be a brokenhearted clown Paint my face with a good-for-nothing smile 'Cause a mean, fickle woman Turned my whole world upside down

Can't Find a Way - Gale finally left his tower, hoping to make a brand new start. This is when he was captured by the Illithids and the events of the game had taken the place. He started to accept Mystra's decision and tried to disassociate from the past.

Now that youve gone again Ive found other friends You ask what you are You don't even care for me Im tired of belivin Now that youve gone away Nothings left to say You ask what you are You dont even care for me Im tired and leavin

A Place in Your World - gods, isn't it the most Golden Retriever song?)) Gale meets Tav, slowly falling in love, seeking their attention.

Would you like to see within my heart? Would you like to be there when I fall apart? The sun might scorch my eyes But no one ever cries a tear for me Is there nothing more that I can stand? I feel so displaced now I'm the lonely man But look into my eyes And maybe you can see what's in my heart

Repentance - Gale has gotten the message from Mystra and considering to follow her order. I imagine him sitting alone in his tent, illuminating only by candle on his table; his hands in his hair, his head lowered and eyes shut closed.... Oooogh, it's a tough one.

Staring at the finished page before me All the damage now so clear and evident Thinking 'bout the dreaded task in store for me A bitter fear at the thought of my amends

Hoping that the step will help restore me To face my past and ask for forgiveness Cleaning up my dirty side of this unswept street Could this be the beginning of the end?

The Cross - Tav persuades Gale not to follow Mystra's order and claim the Crown of Karsus. Gale meets Mystra to threaten her. "Not happening" Gale's line is in my mind forever.

I was young and so naive You were God and I believed You made me kneel You made me feel Like it was all my fault But now I know it wasn't mine at all

Lose Control - I mean, guys. You know what it is about ;)

Something's got a hold of me lately No, I don’t know myself anymore Feels like the walls are all closin' in And the devil's knockin’ at my door, woah Out of my mind, how many times did I tell you I'm no good at bein' alone? Yeah, it's taken a toll on me, tryin' my best to keep From tearin' the skin off my bones, don't you know

First Light - classic! Gale and Tav find comfort in their tower in Waterdeep and themselves. I don't think I need to explain anything here))

One bright mornin' changes all things Soft and easy as your breathin', you wake Your eyes open at first, a thousand miles away But turnin' shoot a silver bullet point-blank range And I can scarce believe what I'm believin' in Could this be how every day begins?

_________________

Want me to make playlists for other characters? Let me know in the comments.

[lilith-little-world]

Hi, if you still do request I was thinking of a reader x swk or sem. The reader is a sort of time traveler (much like the guy from that movie the butterfly effect) in which she can posses her past selves bodies by looking at picture, video, or reading her diary from that current version of her. During those possessions of get past self her current self (who she posses has no memory of that time of being possed "blacks out") the whole reason for the diaries. She posses an old version of her after her body had previously been dying killed by possed swk during the lbd fight. So she had lived through everything previously and knows whats going to happen.

Ahhh, I can smell the angst from here, I love it! Also don't worry, I'm still doing requests, just been busy and my had to switch from writing on my phone to my laptop, since my Grammarly keyboard officially broke on my phone...

Had to deal with my mom asking questions about what I was writing, since it was now obvious I was up to something.

Anyway, I'm sorry if this wasn't how you expected it, I got too caught up with the angst.

Saving Myself Then You|| Oneshot

Fate is cruel, and the path that leads to it is more brutal. Never have you thought of the person you cared about most trying to take your life. Well, in his defense, he was being possessed and was forced to. However, that didn't stop the fear rushing through your veins. Those piercing, cold blue eyes never left your fearful ones. Yet bravely facing the ruthless creature that brought havoc to heaven itself. Even so, you caught glimpses of the man you love trying to break free from that demon’s control, yet it wasn't enough. 

Nezha happened to be trapped in a thick layer of ice, stuck until someone got him out. Mk disappeared to who knows where, one moment was right behind you, and now he was gone. Which left you to fend for yourself, to survive on your own. You mentally pat your back for lasting this long, questioning if you have gotten good at dodging or was just pure luck.

“Well, at least I got to say I went up against the Great Sage, Equal to Heaven… You're not going to kill me, right? I'm on the ground, defeated. You win.” You said weakly. 

It didn't take a genius to realize things were about to get messy. You didn't want to believe it, trying to last long enough for Wukong to break free. Be that as it may, there was one thing you had forgotten. You were going up against a being that had fought the celestial army and defeated it with ease. 

In other words, you were getting your ass kicked and will not last long enough. Wukong steadily walks towards you. Ready to finish this fight, once and for all. 

“And here I thought, I was never going to use this power.” You mumbled.

Wukong glances at your hands when he sees you pull out the small diary. Quickly, he lunges at you, trying to tear the small journal out of your hands. 

Perhaps, you shouldn't have said that out loud in hindsight.

He pins you to the ground, putting his entire weight to keep you from moving. The air from your lungs forcefully escapes. The heavy pressure on your chest prevents you from taking another breath. Panic floods your mind, trying to open the journal. Any situation was better than this. You tear out a page from one of the recent entries. Wukong expression never changed from the intimating stern look. He glances at the book, casting it aside before settling on the torn paper. Your lungs burn from the lack of air, putting every last energy into reading the text. Your vision fades as it changes to the once-familiar setting.

You gasp loudly. The burning in your lungs serves as a haunting reminder of the future. You fall to your knees with tears falling from your eyes. Not only that, but you try to take as much air in your lungs, afraid of losing it again.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Tang gently places a hand on your shoulder.

You wiped the tears from your eyes. Finally, register where you ended up. Everyone was staring at you, worried. However, you stare at the person who tried to kill you in the near future. His lovely golden eyes were wide with worry. He was close to the cliff, ready to fly off to fight LBD. You push yourself up and rush at him, anger written on your face. Clasping on the hem of his shirt, you brought him down to your level.

“You better sit your ass down and listen! We are not doing this again!” You shout, letting your temper take control. 

Wukong stays silent but nods. Yet you didn't dare let go of his shirt, your glare never leaving his nervous face. 

“I’m assuming, from your mood right now. I failed to defeat the Lady Bone Demon.” Wukong laughs nervously, hoping that your foul mood lightens up. It did not.

“What do you think?” Your eyes narrow.

Wukong didn't say anything, silently cursing his future self for upsetting you. A sigh escapes from you, finally breaking the death glare. You let go of his shirt and wrap your arms around him. 

“Please don't go.” You whispered, leaning close, locking your lips with his.

Wukong body was tense, before relaxing and returning the kiss.

“I won't go, alright? Don't worry, I’ll be right here.” He said softly, resting his forehead on yours. 

The two of you, enjoying the small moment. Tears once again fall from your eyes, not from sadness, but in relief. 

“Sorry to ruin this cute moment, but please tell me you have a plan.” Mk said.

You let go of Wukong, wiping the tears away, and face the bruised-up group. 

“I- do not… I kind of nearly died.” It was your turn to nervously laugh.

“You, WHAT?” Everyone yelled in unison. 

“It wasn’t fun and I rather avoid that, so Wukong, stay here and come up with a decent plan this time.”  You glance at everyone, seeing their shocks faces turn serious but determined. 

“Any ideas?”

[hetalia-club]

I’m going to vent some more about my ex because it’s good therapy lol

Feel free to keep scrolling.

Lol so remember my terrible abusive ex I broke up with last month that I vented on here about? Two years ago I made a reddit post on AITH because we got into this argument about eating thanksgiving at each others families houses and how he would get mad at me when I wouldn't eat a huge meal at his family's house but then he didn't eat at my families house (Which is honestly such a shame because my family's food is gas) and I also make some of the food at our thanksgiving so by the time I would get there to eat I wouldn't be hungry because I had just been guilted into eating a full plate an hour before.

I deleted the post because it blew up like crazy and everyone was calling him controlling and abusive and I was thinking "that seems a little much for a thanksgiving argument" I was getting a bunch of DMs of people telling me I needed to dump him and that if I needed help I could go to a clinic and I was just like "Tf are these people talking about!? This was just an argument about thanksgiving food…" I just think it's funny the answers were right there in front of me of thousands of strangers telling me I was in an abusive relationship and I ignored it. You truly don't know what it's like to be in a relationship like that until you're in one. You will convince yourself everything is fine and that everyone else is crazy for thinking that he's crazy. Just look at some of these comments lol

this is just a few of them. I remembered this post and decided to go back and re-read the comments after recognizing that he was abusive. I remember defending him so hard in my DMs being like “no you don’t understand you got him all wrong” turns out they had him all right lol and I was the delusional one. I’ve been doing along of self reflection and what not lately I’ve been trying to ever who I was before we got together because I feel like I was a different person. Less of a people pleaser, less emotional, less worried about what others think of me. I’m having to re-write my brain chemistry I feel. I still have to stop myself because I will ask myself “does ‘ex’ like when I do this?” And I have to remind myself it doesn’t matter what he likes anymore.

When we lived together he would insist i did all the cooking which is fine because I’m good at cooking. But the thing is I can actually only cook Italian American food, the reason for that is because it’s my favorite food and it’s all I ever want to eat. So it’s the only thing I make that’s any good. Because you know… it’s what i like so it’s what I make. Well about 2 years into our relationship he decides he’s going on a no carb diet. Which was an issue because I am on an all carb diet lol… I made food as normal for awhile and then one day he just went absolutely ballistic because he said I was abusing him because I wasn’t respecting his diet because I kept making pasta, which I wasn’t making pasta every day obviously… I didn’t make Italian every day but at least 2 times a week. but on this particular day I had made some kind of pasta but I had made him zucchini noodles, I even went out and bought a little thing to shred them with that day. It was probaly chicken parm because I eat that at least once a week. I once went three weeks with eating chicken parm every day and it was heaven . But apparently he didn’t like them and instead of being rational and just saying he didn’t like them he decided to have a toddler level fit because he didn’t what what I made. I was just like “okay then don’t eat it l…” he proceeded to not speak to me for three days and he even shoulder checked me in the hall way when he walked past me and it had me seeing red. So ever since then when I would make pasta I would make him a separate dinner which was so annoying. Because like he’s a grown fucking man… I shouldn’t have to make him a separate dinner it’s not my fault he decided to go on a no carb diet for no reason probably just to try and get me to stop making pasta which he never really liked (this was huge red flag and I should have known it would never work) he should have to deal with that himself I’m not his mom or his wife so i shouldn’t have just been like “okay learn how to cook then man child” but I’m too nice of a person and the guilt would have made me lose sleep. Because he would have just eaten cheese and lunch meat like a dumb ass because if I didn’t cook for him that’s what he would eat because he was an ACTUAL man child and couldn’t cook anything but scrambled eggs even then he wouldn’t use grease or butter so they would just fuse with the pan and I had to scrub it off because he would just put it in the dishwasher as if that was going to do anything.

One time I had made like a vegan butternut squash soup because he likes butternut squash, I don’t I think it’s gnarly. I even whipped out an emulsion blender for it, real fancy like. Well he decided he wanted chicken with it for some unknown reason even though HE requested it for dinner so he knew no meat was involved. so he decided to throw a frozen chicken tender into a pan and he cooked it until it was trawled and that shit was like not even close to cooked and he was going to eat it so I had to stop eating, get up and recook his chicken because he would have given himself food poisoning. I didn’t even get so much of a thank you for possible saving his stupid life and he just ate it and left the pan with burnt bits for me to scrub because he again didn’t oil the pan so the chicken stuck to it and burnt onto the pan.

You may read this and think “omg how do you not realize this is abuse” well that’s because that was just how I lived for 5 years. It had gotten normal I understood how he was and he always told me “this is just how I am” so I figured “who would I be to change him if that’s his personality?” Now I do truly believe that is his real personality and he’ll never change. Mostly because when we broke up he straight told me “this is how I am I’m not changing for you or anyone” like it was something to be proud of. He truly believes the break up is something that can be reversed. I’m not sure if he even thinks we’re still broken up if that makes sense. He texted me as asked me if I wanted to go out to diner and I was like “lol no?” And he was like “I miss you though don’t you miss me?” And I was like “lol…no?” Like what is there to miss my guy? Like of course you miss me I did everything for you. I knew the second he realized “oh shit now I have to clean and cook?” he would want me back. I called it. I knew it was coming. It was a lot sooner than I expected tbh though…

[thefairylights]

Starting off Kinktober 2023 @vampirefest with a playlist! Sexy songs for sexy prompts of many types. No set ship so we vibe with every pairing. Whatever feels right, is right. ❤️🖤❤️

No more sunlight. The moon awaits us. ⚰️

Now, on to your knees to click that link, my companion heart.

31 tracks for 31 days.

one: mack loren/if i didn’t know better

I take my time and study your face

Thinking of a different place for it to be while you keep

One hand on my waist, you grip my thigh

Heart starts to race

Like you could taste what I'm tryna hide

two: zolita/holy

I can fight but the devil wins

And I will fall like a saint who sins

Forgive me Father, I am weak

And it's not forgiveness that I seek

three: the marias/hush

Don't think you've made it under my skin

Could never get in

Forget about it

Don't talk so much

Your tongue is burning up

I've had enough

four: elley duhe/middle of the night

These burning flames, these crashing waves

Wash over me like a hurricane

I'll captivate, you're hypnotized

Feel powerful, but it's me again

Come, lay me down

'Cause I know this

'Cause I know this sound

five: saint mesa/lion

You burn everything you see

Gold are your fingers

Leaving traces everywhere you go

Diamonds in your skin

My blood flows

six: chloe adams/dirty thoughts

I'm frustrated

Do you really look good naked

And I know that it ain't that holy

But Lord I need this one night only

The more that I push 'em away

The more that you're stuck in my brain

The more I mentally undress

I confess

seven: king mala/she calls me daddy

She's a little bit psycho

But she follows

When I call in the middle of the night

She's got you wrapped around her finger

You try to linger

But she's already on her way to mine

eight: hey violet/unholy

Say your name while our tongues are tied

Getting shivers all down my spine

We're in bed, we're embedded in my mind

nine: hozier/eat your young

I'm starving, darling

Let me put my lips to something

Let me wrap my teeth around the world

Start carving, darling

I wanna smell the dinner cooking

I wanna feel the edges start to burn

ten: chandler leighton/when you say my name

Does it scare you

That I already know what you're into?

You can say less, I bet I can guess

That'll you say whatever to get me undressed

Double dare you, tell me two lies

Don't need no truths

'Cause I can see right through you

You're no good at pretend

I'm using your tricks that you use with your friends

eleven: dezi/sinner

Lead us not into temptation

Your touch is feeling like salvation

If you're down for misbehaving

If you're liking this sensation

Pin me on your wall like an icon

And I pray that you leave the lights on

twelve: banks/fuck with myself

You're in the corner waiting for my love

I put two walls behind you just to lean on

Kinda need 'em 'cause I stood you up

'Cause I fuck with myself more than anybody else

thirteen: dove cameron/breakfast

I'm sick, yeah, I'm sick

And honestly, I'm getting high off it

Do you wanna see a magic trick?

'Cause you don't know what you don't know

But I know

fourteen: lana del rey/freak

Flames so hot that they turn blue

Palms reflecting in your eyes, like an endless summer

That's the way I feel for you

If time stood still I'd take this moment

Make it last forever

fifteen: ari abdul/taste

I'm begging you, untie this noose

Want your hands 'round my neck

I'm begging you, come be my muse

You're all that I have left

sixteen: ag/terrible thing

Oh honey, you're so cold

I lose my self-control

seventeen: jesse joe stark/fire of love

Your kiss rips through the shadows

Lipstick poisons this black rose

Haunted and torn from the heavens

You pull the petals from my mouth

They fall and tenderly black out

Baby, it's been so lonely

eighteen: zaryah/deep dive

Deep dive into my lips

Heat of your breath takes me into your abyss

Hold tight, I'll fulfil every need

Head up, you got me down on my knees

nineteen: lana del rey/gods & monsters

In the land of Gods and Monsters

I was an angel looking to get fucked hard

twenty: darren hayes/insatiable

Breathe in breathe out, there is no sound

We move together up and down

We levitate our bodies soar

Our feet don't even touch the floor

twenty-one: melanie martinez/high school sweethearts

If you can't handle a heart like mine

Don't waste your time with me

If you're not down to bleed, no, oh

If you can't handle the choking, the biting

The loving, the smothering

'Til you can't handle it no more, no more

Go home

twenty-two: ramsey/daddy

Baby, you're divine, I leave my body

Suckin' on your tongue, gold teeth, come find love

twenty-three: massive attack/paradise circus

Love is like a sin, my love

For the ones that feel it the most

Look at her with her eyes like a flame

She will love you like a fly will never love you again

twenty-four: aeseaes/desire

I'm an old

Desire

Sleeping in your skin

I'll take you over

And let you hide

And let you hide

twenty-five: natalia kills/problem

Sweat, dripping down your chest

Thinking 'bout your tattooed knuckles

On my thigh boy boy boy

Cold shower... you got no power to control

How I make you my toy toy toy

My hips rocking

As we keep lip locking

Got the neighbors screaming

Even louder louder

twenty-six: the pretty reckless/going to hell

Gettin' heavy with the devil, you can hear the wedding bells

twenty-seven: meg myers/desire

Baby, I wanna fuck you

I wanna feel you in my bones

Boy, I'm gonna love you

I'm gonna tear into your soul

twenty-eight: soap&skin/me and the devil

And I said hello Satan, ah

I believe it is time to go

Me and the devil walkin' side by side

twenty-nine: chymes/gity

You can trust in me, no, you don't have to hide

Have anything you want, just tell me what you like

Bring out the devil in you, it can't hide

I feel the fire trapped inside

thirty: banks/gimme

At the rock bottom baby crawl, crawl

I let you lick it from the ground, ground

'Cause I've been drippin' for your love, love

You can call me that bitch

thirty-one: nine inch nails/closer

I wanna fuck you like an animal

I wanna feel you from the inside

I wanna fuck you like an animal

My whole existence is flawed

You get me closer to God

You just have to nod your beautiful head and say yes 🩸🩸🩸

[multi-fandom-imagine]

Jujutsu Kaisen Characters + Sad song's.

Pairing: Yuji, Sukuna, Megumi, Gojo, Nanami, Geto, Toji, Choso, Hiromi,Kusakabe

A/n: Spoilers

I was in your arms

Thinking I belonged there

I figured it made sense

Building me a fence

Building me a home

Thinking I'd be strong there

But I was a fool

Playing by the rules

•

But tell me, does she kiss

Like I used to kiss you?

Does it feel the same

When she calls your name?

Somewhere deep inside

You must know I miss you

But what can I say?

Rules must be obeyed

↳Kusakabe

《

《

I'd take another chance, take a fall

Take a shot for you

And I need you like a heart needs a beat

But it's nothing new, yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue

And you say sorry like the angel

Heaven let me think it was you

But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late

I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late, whoa

↳Geto.

《

《

I miss you

Miss you so bad

I don't forget you

Oh, it's so sad

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same, oh-oh

I didn't get around to kiss you

Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can't

↳Nanami

《

《

Until I hit the city limits, 'til I hit the state line

'Til I reach a coast, or a ghost town a thousand miles out

Keep this needle hittin' 90

'Til your memory can't find me anyhow

Keep the pedal down

'Til I see some taillights that don't make me think of you

'Til I'm pulled over on the shoulder by some flashin' blue lights

'Til this heart forgets to break

I don't care if it takes me all night

I'm gonna drive you outta my mind

↳Hiromi

《

《

I miss those blue eyes

How you kissed me at night

I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise

Like the taste of your smile

I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you

What I should have said

No, I never told you

I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you

I can't believe that I still want you

After all the things we've been through

I miss everything about you

Without you, whoa

I see your blue eyes

Every time I close mine

You make it hard to see

Where I belong to when I'm not around you

It's like I'm not with me

↳Gojo

《

《

I need a do-over, how did we end up this way?

I'm so confused, lover, did I mistake love and pain?

Ain't got no shine left, I couldn't hide it

I almost lost all my light, and

I didn't choose sober, but my eyes can't look away

I see our true colors, lately, we've been lookin' gray

I can't turn back now, 'cause you'd take me back down

That road that always seems to come right back around

Remember when

We had dreams to fly away?

But that was then

And now our story's just a page

Like a wave, you're always crashin' into me, crashin' into me

And these days are harder than they used to be, and they used to be

No shootin' stars can fix what we aren't, and

What good's a lighthouse when the light is burnin' out?

↳Megumi

《

《

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eyes

Tonight I want to cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on

"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone

Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters

It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better

But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

↳Toji

《

《

But I don't care what they say

I'm in love with you

They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth

My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love

Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

You cut me open

Oh yeah

Trying hard not to hear, but they talk so loud

Their piercing sounds fill my ears, try to fill me with doubt

Yet I know that their goal is to keep me from falling, hey, oh

But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace

And in this world of loneliness, I see your face

Yet everyone around me thinks that I'm going crazy

Maybe, maybe

↳Sukuna.

《

《

They took you away on a table

I pace back and forth as you lay still

They pull you in to feel your heartbeat

Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me

Hold on, I still want you

Come back, I still need you

Let me take your hand, I'll make it right

I swear to love you all my life

Hold on, I still need you

I don't wanna let go

I know I'm not that strong

I just wanna hear you

Saying, "Baby, let's go home"

Let's go home

Yeah, I just wanna take you home

↳Choso

《

《

This is the place where I sit

This is the part where I love you too much

This is as hard as it gets

'Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough

I'm here if you want me

I'm yours, you can hold me

I'm empty and achin'

And tumblin' and breakin'

'Cause you don't see me

And you don't need me

And you don't love me

The way I wish you would

The way I know you could

I dream a world where you understand

That I dream a million sleepless nights

Well I dream a fire when you're touching my hand

But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights

I'm speechless and faded,It's too complicated

Is this how the book ends,Nothing but good friends?

↳Yuji

[oekaki-chan]

hey c! can i ask how do we get over the feeling of embarassment when drawing self-indulgent shippy fanart? i've seen most of your amazing art and i've noticed that you don't seem to hold back when drawing fanarts, it's really beautiful with the way you portray characters' intimate relationships.. be it thru manga, illustrations, sketches. I have quite a lot of ideas on my mind that I want to draw similar to what you've drawn in terms of shipping characters, but I can't help but feel embarassed most of the time when I attempt to draw, thinking that it's "cringe" or I should draw something else with more deeper meaning into it, not just shippy stuff.. so I get very hesitant posting said art online or even starting the sketch (i haven't drawn 95% of my written ideas for nearly a year ;_; pain lol) since a few of my friends might see and question it lmao but deep down i really want to draw them ofc! i'm just very scared with what others think, but I do want to show myself more through my art and what I really like to draw.. Have you had a similar feeling of embarassment too c? I'm sorry if this got too long, I don't rly have any artist friends to talk to this about :')) I'm just so amazed at how you're able to fight the fear and just draw what you want in the end ^-^ I hope I can be like that too with myself and art, there are rare times where I just say f*ck it and post it anyway but 99% of the time is just me overthinking on whether it's cringe or not but I want to be cringe so bad so I can just be free and draw whatever the heck I want! ahh so many conflicting feelings ;_; i hope you get what I mean, thank you again for responding to my previous asks with the colors and numerous questions! I'm sorry for being so curious lol i just want to draw my favorite characters to kiss and cuddle so bad but im too scared to even draw them so intimately like that so i dont even draw majority of my ideas for fear of being judged :'D :') :(( hope u had a nice day c!

I might never show it but actually I relate to you so hard, it's not once or twice that I keep overthinking if my art is too self-indulgent and cringe, everytime I'm about to post my art I'm one click away to post it but I always have this nagging worry of people judging my art (even tho there's nothing wrong with it, for god's sake!!!) so I just spend another 30 minutes worrying about it until I close my eyes, flick my finger quickly, and close the tab.

And oh god in heaven put a curse on meme culture for this because there was this one instance when someone made a corny meme out of my art (that's not even a funny drawing) and dared to send it to me, I know it's only one person but it's enough to crush my confidence in drawing and posting shippy/emotional art.

Whenever I draw my favorite characters looking all seductive and cool I always worry people would think it's cringe, whenever I draw characters kissing I always worry people would think I'm weird, but then I remember about the other artists I like who post (their own) self-indulgent stuff and they make me joyous, I want people to feel the same way about my art when I post my own self-indulgent art too, so I guess that's what keeps me doing what I do today 😂

My 2023 resolution is just to stop giving a single damn about what people think of my art, if they think it's cringe then so be it, I can't control the mind of people, at least the cringe art gives me the happy brain chemicals and that's what truly matters 😊

[cosmichighpriestess]

My spiritual journey.

The truth is, when you make the decision to go within yourself and choose Source it will take you the furthest you can ever go or even fathom going by taking the path less traveled. It is truly a magical, unreal joyride experience and not for the faint of heart especially in the beginning. Because your higher self will essentially say, "Oh, you think you're ready to exit the matrix and experience your true soul? Are you ready to be the conscious creator of your reality, transform your life and others lives and own your darkness and light? Are you going to let them silence you and manipulate, gaslight, downplay you, control you? Are you going to keep diminishing your own light, ignoring your unhealed wounds and run away from yourself? Are you going to choose serving your ego over your own heart for temporary satisfaction? Are you going to keep ignoring your ego deaths and ignoring your heart? Are you going to be the victimized or the victor? Are you going to thrive and survive the honest way or are you going to lie, use, cheat, and steal to gain from others?

Are you going to spend your time on gossip, slander, false illusions, and unimportant surface level bullshit or are you going to focus on helping the world and becoming the best version of yourself? Are you going to rush through this initiation process? Or are you going to realize that it's not a race and there's no one you're competing against except yourself. Are you going to light up this world or are you going to add more darkness to it? Are you going to embrace the ups and downs and learn lessons from them? Are you going to trust God or are you going to keep trusting in your non preferred realities? Are you going to be part of a religious cult or are you going to be a creator and find God within you? Do you understand the power you carry and will you not abuse it? Let's see if you can handle this." And boom as soon as you make that decision to surrender to God and this divine path. You're faced with a challenge, a problem that tests your strength, integrity, resilience, faith, sanity and makes you question if God/Source is against you or hurting you because you chose this path of going against what everyone else is doing and following.

Are you going to curse God, others and yourself or are you going to see from the higher perspective that you put this problem in front of yourself to grow from? I've been on this path for a very long time alone. I signed up for this but there were plenty of times where I wanted to give up and go back home to God, not realizing at the time I could come back home any time I wanted by coming back to myself and learning how to astral travel. Do I have to share all my wisdom and save others? No. In my opinion I don't. There's millions of people who are asleep in the matrix who are raising the vibration and frequency of their planet just by existing and doing their own thing completely unaware they are asleep. I don't need to wake them up. People have their own inner knowing, their own higher selves, and their own spirit guides to help them, that's why you don't need to force anyone into doing anything and giving them your formula. They need to find what works best for them. But from a higher perspective their spirit guides sent me to them and it would be a crime to not to share what has worked for me and my wisdom because it's not about me, it's about others and helping others who are searching for that guidance. It's not about me, it's about balancing the vibrations of the planet so that we do not destroy ourselves. I am here to bring Heaven down on Earth and help others live happily ever after right now.

So about my spiritual journey, from a third person perspective as advised by my guides to tell this story, from a very young age, little Rose was placed in Catholic School when she was five years old. By the time she turned ten she was already traumatized by the Catholic church and done with everyone's brainwashing, abuse, sexual abuse from Catholic priests and abusive older nuns who still used rulers as punishment for getting out of line. She had never experienced so many people who claimed to be good Catholics who were nothing but evil or dark. But there was a few pros that she learned from Catholic school. She mostly had excellent teachers who she really admired and little Rose knew how to operate a computer, type, she remembered the definitions to large words, she could dance, sing in front of others on stage and write in cursive and she met the most wonderful music teacher who taught her how to play piano and sing. She had friends, she made friends easily, she had best friends and she had sleepovers and all the normal things kids do together but her friends always treated her a little bit different than everyone else after a period of time went by they all turned on her. By the time she turned eleven she begged her parents to put her into the public school system and she became the most popular girl in class, at least in her delusions as she was treated... At first. It was the first time in her life she felt accepted and wanted. But something was off, she couldn't get into this new school system, it felt too forced, it felt like she was going against herself just to keep up and get good grades.

She was naturally gifted at many things but not math and other subjects that felt forced. She had the ability to see the future, to see spirits and this scared her to death. Spirits would haunt her and talk to her when she was alone. She didn't want to be at school all the time either. Too much energy that didn't belong to her. She had no idea she was psychic and she was feeling everyone's energy making her sick very often having to leave school. Her father treated her like the scapegoat so she mostly tried to isolate herself from him. She was pressured to be perfect at everything like her older brother was. But she didn't know she was neurodivergent and that these outdated school systems were not built for her to thrive in. So she started skipping class in fifth grade. She just wanted a break from the noise in her head. This went on until senior year of high school, she rebelled because her life felt so controlled, so fake, so limited, so pointless and so boring. She was smart enough to pass all her classes and graduate from school but she never felt like she was good enough for anyone because she was expected to be perfect. And everyone ended up rejecting her and bullying her except for the pure hearted ones she knew but wasn't close with. Even though her boyfriend's abused her and cheated on her half the time and her friends kept betraying her and stealing from her, she still remained optimistic after she dealt with the pain and she was still hopeful about her future and let things roll off her shoulder even if she shed a few tears making her appear unstable. She felt very secure in herself more than other people realized. She ran away from home at eighteen years old from abuse at home.

People were always perceiving her and her situations incorrectly. She felt like she always had to prove her worth. Taking her kindness as something else, her availability as an excuse to waste her time, taking her boundaries as something else, taking her silence as something else. It was neverending misunderstandings and people taking her kindness for weakness, naivety and even flirting when she was just being kind because that's what she tried to be. She was a very loyal friend and girlfriend. But she couldn't go anywhere or do anything without being gossiped about or bullied. She had great style and she was naturally pretty. People threw their entire bodies at her just to steal a kiss without her consent because they mistook her friendship and kindness for flirting. People were not used to someone viewing them so deeply, seeing them for who they are inside and talking to them like they were very important and special. Basic human decency. But always mistaken for romantic interest. When they couldn't have her, they had to destroy her and curse her. Her best friend of four years that she lived with gave her a cursed necklace from her mother that was also a witch. Her mother didn't like Rose because she thought Rose was a bad influence on her daughter but it was actually the other way around. She was always lifting everyone up around her and making them feel good about themselves and their careers. But no one was doing the same for her. After she received the cursed necklace, almost identical to the necklace in Rosemary's baby, her life became very chaotic and demonic activity started. She became so depressed, so suicidal so full of hopelessness she even started having hellish nightmares every night.

They were so bad, so vivid, so terrifying they traumatized her, every morning she woke up in sweats, screams and tears. She even went to see doctors to get these nightmares to end. But nothing worked. She even tried to take her own life but failed. Her grandmother, now passed on, unknowingly saved her life with a phone call while she walked into the middle of the forest to lay down and die with the pills inside of her stomach. While in the hospital the same people that couldn't have her, control her, put her down and always misunderstood her tried to destroy her while she was already down in the hospital. But she was wiser and stronger. She looked around her and could see she was completely sane but something wanted her dead. She put the puzzle pieces together about her best friend giving her the cursed necklace and her boyfriend cheating on her with multiple women at the time, and banging her head into the couch, triggering more negative thoughts. Something was up. Why was everyone trying to kill her and destroy her around her? Why were her boyfriends all abusive and cheaters? She studied human psychology and learned everything she could about people and why they did these things to her. It all made sense. She was being targeted. But why? She saved herself by her own knowledge of psychology and realized these people around her weren't loyal and they didn't deserve her. And they also failed to take her down.

Rather than celebrating her failed attempt to take her own life, they tried everything to control her even more and conform to society even more. Rather than celebrating her uniqueness they guilt tripped her everyday into conforming and taking medication to numb herself. She became so numb, so dead inside so unlike herself and she dimmed herself down to please everyone around her. She was also in school at the time and knew she didn't belong there. People even told her that she didn't belong there because she had a beautiful singing voice and she should be focusing on music, not beauty school. But everyone else guilt-tripped her into becoming something she didn't want to be to be more like them. They always had weed for her and medication. She smoked herself to sleep every night and woke up smoking and all day in-between and her crowd usually encouraged it along with drinking. She went and partied every other night till 4 am. She met another man who was possessed by demons, he tried to kill her with his gun in the end. She blamed herself because she saw the red flags. He stalked her for years. She also had many paranormal experiences in between and abduction experiences that she could remember. That was her second contact with E.T.s that she could remember. The first being in childhood. But she was too afraid of them to talk about it. After she got away from the abusive relationship, she tried to heal herself but she lost most of her friends because she moved to a different town and most of them were his friends, not hers.

Fast forward, a man who had been stalking her for years, who she met previously in the abusive relationship finally got her attention and charmed his way into her life. She dreamed of being with him. She went to Italy to be with him. He was a real spy for the Russian intelligence, who was also stalking her and he was also a professional hitman, knife fighter and bodyguard as well as a history teacher, and famous singer. Those things fascinated her and she just wanted to be loved at that time. She dated very dangerous men who tried to kill her in the end. That was the story of her life. It seemed so unfair. She went into hiding and isolation because he kept threatening her after he did some horrendous things to her and she tried leaving him, like selling naked photos of her and forcing her to be with his best friend to test his loyalty to him. But he wouldn't let her go. Using her wits she outsmarted him and lost him by pretending to be someone else. He fell in love with her but if she pretended to be someone else he would lose interest. She successfully made him uninterested at the time, but he figured out that it was a facade later on and stalked her more for years to come. She gray rocked him. He knew her location and frequently showed up unannounced, so she didn't want to provoke him. But she did lose him for a while and got him off her back.

She was agnostic at the time but she knew something more existed because she had witnessed miracles before and she had seen spirits since childhood. In isolation, she went celibate and stopped talking to everyone. The nightmares continued. Horror show after horror show. She wanted to know what the meaning of it all was, if everything seemed so unfair, so pointless if everyone ended up betraying her, trying to kill her, if no one liked her for herself without mishandling her. What was the point? Why did she even exist? What was her purpose on Earth ?Just to suffer and be treated like garbage by everyone she ever knew? Not knowing that asking these questions she would be given an answer by the Universe. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. The Universe began sending synchronicities to her even though the signs were always there. She just wasn't noticing them. She came across a very enlightened being, Audrey who was older than her and wiser. She shared many of her downloads with her and unlocked some answers that she needed. They were exactly what she needed to hear. She also met with a metaphysical doctor, who had worked and studied with the Dalai Lama and she taught her how to meditate and do breath work in order to heal herself and her body. It was the first time that she ever discovered there was a whole other world within her. She started meditating more and more and receiving her own downloads and her own wisdom that she could use to heal herself from all of the betrayal and her broken heart, trauma and nightmares. One night after being fed up with the nightmares, she said, " If there is a God, please take away these nightmares from me. I can't handle them anymore. They are destroying my life. Please forgive me for ignoring you before, but I want to believe in you." She said the, Our father that she remembered from Catholic school. And the nightmares stopped. She couldn't believe it.

She was so thankful because nothing else worked, but prayer did. She felt protected for the first time in her life, not knowing she was always watched over from the very beginning. How else would she survive all of those attacks? She was starting to find her own light and she was finally starting to remember who she was before everyone told her who she was. The more she faced her own darkness, the more her light grew stronger everyday. She didn't have to search for any of these teachers and the doctor outside of herself, the Universe sent them to her without her having to lift a finger or pay a cent. The enlightened, light worker, Audrey taught her that manifestation was possible because her life was like a fairy's dream world, she saw life through rose colored glasses, she saw all the technicolors of the rainbow and it reflected her outer reality. Audrey created it all transforming into a completely different person than her previous life much like Rose. So being inspired, Rose began manifesting a new life for herself in isolation because she saw it was possible for others so why wouldn't it be possible for her? She had already discovered, The Secret and many other manifestation success stories but the last time she tried manifesting, they were not her preference and they turned bad, like manifesting a trip and a relationship but she was sick the entire time, and the relationship was unhealthy and dangerous to her well being.

At first she blamed the Universe and then she realized she was trying to change her outer world without changing her inner world first and that was the reason her manifestations turned sour. Our external realities can only ever match our internal state. Her internal state was not her preference. She eventually started a family and became pregnant and she lived with a new man who she knew already for a year but had several red flags but she ignored her intuition. Of course he turned out to be just like the others. But this time she blamed herself. She had no one else to blame except for herself because she knew that her self-worth was so low to think that was what she deserved. But in her defense he did pretend to be a nice guy in the beginning, future faked her, controlled her, manipulated her everyday and trapped her with a baby. First, she had a very painful miscarriage and then she was pregnant with her second baby, Meadow. He was so abusive. He even yelled at her for having a miscarriage. Even though it wasn't her fault. He threw a party where everyone was smoking cigarettes around her and she had a miscarriage that night knowing she was pregnant, they blew smoke in her face. While she was in pain he was laughing at her and then yelling at her for bleeding. She couldn't believe that she chose this person to be her partner. But she was a non-conformist and she truly believed in magic and in manifestation. So she knew that she could manifest a beautiful life for herself and her daughter. So as soon as she became pregnant again, she began manifesting a new life for her daughter. Because she never wanted her daughter to experience the life that she did. She deserved more and only the best. The Universe began testing her and testing her faith and testing her faith and testing her faith. She was passing all the "tests" not knowing that she was sending the challenges to herself. Her star family, the E.T.s made their connection with her first in the astral realm and then began getting her attention in physical reality more.

Because she was open to receiving and meditating, she was downloading a lot of information and sharing it online. She was processing a lot of information and learning a lot about herself and the Universe. Once her daughter was born, she dedicated her entire life to her because her daughter's father was just there to pay the bills, yell and not be of any emotional support. Her only emotional support was herself, God and her star family. They held her up, and kept sending downloads of information and even when she went through postpartum depression she fought her way out of it and by then she had already quit smoking weed before she was pregnant for obvious reasons. She asked God to give her strength to quit. A year went by. The abuse continued to get worse. And he was always in a silent competition with her, putting her down as a parent. Judging her for having empathy for her daughter because he had none. She finally found the strength to leave him. He knew that she was unhappy. So he let her go. She finally began to find herself and feel happiness again with her daughter and co-parenting with him. Eventually months passed and she was in a new relationship with a genuinely kind man in Australia. But of course she's self-sabotaged because he was too good to be true and met another man, a multi-millionaire, famous trader Lamborghini collector, who manipulated her, who was her twin flame who cheated on her and got multiple girls pregnant and she decided she was never going to date again. She laughed the entire time. Because at this point it was so predictable what someone was going to do to her. It was like a sick joke. But of course she picked herself up again and everything seemed better for a while.

Until it was only a matter of time before things would turn dark again. Her happiness would never last for long. But this time she had God on her side and she had her spiritual team. This time she was stronger and wiser If anyone was going to attack and betray her again. Her family treated her like a burden because where else would she go, if no men she ever knew were safe and she was autistic and at the hands of her caretakers. The enemy wanted her dead for good. And they did everything they could to get a reaction out of her. But she was wise on manipulation tactics by now. They started a smear campaign against her and turned her whole family and everyone she knew against her. Her father tried to physically attack her next to her daughter but she was prepared because she had a feeling he was going to attack her that day and she was carrying pepper spray. She told everyone that if anything happened to her it was her father that did it. Her mother somehow saw the post even though they weren't friends and passed out wherever she was at and went to the hospital. Her father, furious of being exposed went for the double attack on his own daughter and this time he brought her aunt and uncle who were jealous of her entire life and always put her down and talked badly about her. Even though she always went out of her way to help her family when they needed her. The jealousy and the hatred was more powerful to them. They had no problem believing her father's lies about her.

All because they felt justified in attacking her and forcing their way into her home but she already had the police on the line and she ran to the neighbor's house for safety where they also blamed her for the situation she was in. God saw everything. God was furious. Everyone felt justified in kicking her while she was already down. Everyone was jealous of her for some reason. Because how dare she exist. As if she hadn't already been through enough. But they always misunderstood her and never tried to get to know her or anything of her past. They never believed her stories and always took side with her abusers. There was only one family number left that truly cared about her. She stayed with her daughter's father, because she had nowhere else to go. By then they were already on good terms and getting along. He still had feelings for her. But really he wanted to destroy her life and make her pay for leaving him the first time. His demons came out very often. He was angry all the time always yelling at his daughter and her. Fast forward until now, he tried to destroy her and started a smear campaign against her. All his friends and family turned against her. Of course she was the villain again.

All because she called people out on their abuse when she couldn't take it anymore. She stayed silent long enough. God exposed his smear campaign in his phone while she was walking by one day. Apparently she was just a body to sleep with, a good lay, a maid, a cook and a babysitter to her own daughter, with no friends according to his perception of her. My title was not a mother but a babysitter? A maid? That's how low he thought of her. His girlfriend laughed at me and never even met me once. His best friend thought I was the worst person in the world. Never even knowing me or meeting me. He was so disrespectful and she gave him a beautiful daughter and her body and all her love. She was so kind. So patient. So nurturing to people who couldn't receive her love. Because it was true authentic, unconditional love and not the fake stuff they are used to. She wasn't a people pleaser anymore and they didn't like it. But they could not help themselves from talking badly about her to all of their friends and family because they felt justified and they felt triggered by her presence. He was jealous of her beauty and her light. He was ugly on the inside and it reflected outwardly. He yelled at her everyday even though she already had PTSD. He loved kicking her while she was already down.

She was unintentionally triggering everyone around her and aggravating the demons within everyone around her, not knowing that she was the light in the dark everywhere she went. God was the only one who got me through everything. My spirit team and God, without them I would be dead. I didn't realize this story was going to be so long, but of course I had to skip through some parts. I manifested a beautiful life for myself and my daughter and nothing and no one can take it away from me now. And you could judge me and say," well you could have avoided all of that if you would have just conformed to society and follow the pack and be like us." But then I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't become a leader and I would be going against myself and my passions. I will never explain my decisions to anyone anymore. If someone is hating on you or your decisions, they are projecting their own fears onto you that do not belong to you in the first place, and if they are bullying you, they are already beneath you because there's something about you they wish they had. When they go low you go higher. If they give you their negative energy, eat it and then spit it out. Use it for your own fuel. My decisions in the past didn't make sense because God had a higher plan and it will never look normal from the outside lens. I had to move in silence my entire life, I could never share good news with anyone without them being jealous or hateful or trying to destroy it in any way they could. I had blind faith when I found God. You will look insane for having blind faith. But I am living proof that you can survive anything with God. They threw me to the wolves and I came out leading the pack. Nothing can destroy me. Nothing can destroy you with God. God said, be anxious for nothing.

I made things harder for myself by staying anxious at times. I went through hell so that other people don't have to go through it. The same rules don't apply to me. It was very unfair what I went through but it will also look very unfair what I am going to receive in the future. God has my back. God will do it for me. You don't have to suffer so much to choose this path. I do not believe that suffering is a virtue and that is why I teach ways to handle what I went through in a nonjudgmental way that empowers people, helps them change their reality by going within first and reprogramming yourself first. To help you see that it doesn't have to be hard because knowledge is power. I have been targeted for a very long time because I am a threat to the system. They have targeted every aspect of my life in hopes that I conform to society's failing systems so that I do not become a threat. But God always wins, the light always wins no matter what. They cannot touch you when you have God on your side.

No matter how horrible of a situation you may be in or it may feel like, remember that it always serves you. You can always use the negative and positives for your benefit to learn from in some way. You do this mainly by staying neutral to meaningless situations because life is meaningless until you define it with your definitions. Use the negative to your benefit. That is one of the greatest gifts we've ever been given. Once you accept a situation or how you are feeling, then you drop all resistance, and with that you can receive help from your spiritual helpers. Remember that the help is always coming to you at every single moment, but not everyone is willing to receive that help because they have resistance because they have not accepted everything as it is.

Everything and everyone is perfect as they are, they are all playing their roles perfectly. No matter how dark they can get. The help is always on its way to you at all times. There's nothing to fear ever. Because fear is an illusion. There are no scratches on me. I'm very abundant. I'm very optimistic and happy, I'm very resilient and very mentally strong. I turned my wounds into power. When you choose to relate to all things in a loving way, nothing can really trigger you. I had unconditional love and compassion for everyone that hurt me. I saw right through them so that I could understand them. If you ever wantssomeone to calm down when they're angry, all you have to do is just see them. See them clearly and let them know that you see them and you see how much pain they are in to treat innocent people that way.

My wounds were a gift. I transmuted all of that energy for my own benefit to serve the world. You will always learn more from pain than you ever will from having a perfect life. You will always learn more from a person hurting you than a person who is always kind to you. But I do not want anyone else to go through what I did. You can maneuver through any situation with the right tools. And I offer those tools everyday. I am more than optimistic, I'm a powerful creator. I'm an alchemist. I am a sacred rebel. I'm an artist. I'm multifaceted. I'm connected. I'm psychic. I'm telepathic. I'm a time traveler. I'm immortal. I'm a teacher. I'm a channeler. I am a transformer and shapeshifter and transmuter. I am a high priestess now. This is the life of a chosen one and generational curse breaker.

Tell me it wasn't worth it to become what I am now. I completely transformed my inner world so now I only have things to look forward to. My fears are far behind me. If you think that good things will happen to you, they will, the opposite is also true. It is all within your own belief system. Always remember that you will always find relief no matter what situation you are going through. I discovered so many hidden parts of myself and so many past lives explaining why I went through these things. Everyone in my life apologized to me and made a 180 in how they treat me now. They respect me finally and that was shocking to witness because one day I woke up and everything shifted. Everyone was mortified in the way they treated me. They mostly just wanted their karma to end. But I forgive everyone and I forgive myself. My spiritual Awakening was the catalyst to all of my fulfillment, all of my self-empowerment and all of my abundance. I am so much more emotionally mature now and so much more grounded and I have so much more self-love and respect for myself than I ever could have if I just had a perfect life with no struggles. But for now I need to take a long break and I need a long vacation. It's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful life. I love you so much. Thank you so much for reading. 🙏

[yanderelucy2]

Love me.

"I never thought I could love someone this much..." The warmth and increased heart rate he gets near you, he never knew he could feel such ways towards another... the worry that waves across his mind are not minuscule like a wind-driven wave, but one that the Heavens works so hard for.

Dive deep into the mind of Tears of Themis male leads, just how much they adore you, and need you.

A/N: I am not a professional writer so there will be grammar mistakes and lines that don't make sense, this is in no way whatsoever canon and most likely won't fit the MLs' personalities well enough and I apologize for that. I also apologize deeply for my lack of posts, I have been on an indefinite hiatus, I think I will be slowly coming back to posting frequently though.

ML POV

Artem Wing

I have focused and worked so hard for all I've done. Everything I've done was done with thought a meaning put into it, yet the second I met you I found my thoughts becoming hard to control. As I fell deeper and deeper in love with you, my thoughts became obsessed. I worry for you, I worry you work too hard. I will take all that work off your plate so please my dearest rest for me. Hearing you worry for me, I feel such sorrow over causing you to worry, don't mind me.

Don't mind me, I truly wish I could say that with utmost vigilance. I cannot though, for once no matter how much I try I am incapable, incapable of being selfless. I want you for myself, these selfish greedy thoughts flood my mind. I want you to love me, that is the truth I know. I want you to tell me those three sweet savory words "I love you" I have never desired to be loved until we met paths. Love me.

Marius Von Hagen

I've always had an empty hole in my heart, growing up I hoped for one day it would fill itself. Eventually, I became comfortable with this hole... the hole did not seem so endless after a few years as my heart grew. The hole never shrank, but my heart grew. When I met you I thought you were cute, but then I fell in love with you and I can feel my heart begin to consume my body. All reasoning leaves my body and my heart is what leads me, this hole in my heart is so minuscule it matters not.

I want to cherish you and protect you. I want to sculpt your body for myself, leave it as stone to stay on this Earth forever. No matter how you age I will always love you, I will always love your life and death. When I hold the brush my mind will fade away at a glance of you sitting still for me, you obey me so innocently... I mustn't let anyone disrupt your blissful beauty. My heart leads the brush to create heaven's greatest masterpiece. You. I know you love me, and I am truly blessed by cupid. The hole in my heart is the arrow that you shot through my heart.

Luke Pearce

All I've ever wanted was for the thing I cherish most to be safe. I've worked hard even in self-destruction to destroy all malice from reaching you. Explain to me why? I love you so much, yet I know I hurt you the most. I knew you would long for me, I knew we would fall in love. Malice is like the energy in my heart, it can never be created or destroyed, only converted or transferred. I have transferred all that malice into my bones, my bones are weak and fragile. Yet your warm nostalgic arms engulf me in medicine. You are the antidote to the poison I call love.

I have tried to protect you from all malice, yet it was in return for me. I know you love me deeply, but please never sacrifice yourself for one with weak bones like me. You are fragile, you can hurt yourself on cotton wool with that innocence of yours. If anything I wish you didn't love me, but I am selfish and can't help but love you and need you by my side. I want you to love me forever, in return for your mortality.

(This is the worst one lol)

Vyn Ritcher

I need reason. I run off reason like it's a drug. When I'm with you though all reason leaves me, and I don't go through the terrible withdrawal of mental self-destruction. You keep me sane, you have me wrapped around your finger and I don't mind. I would like to stay there forever because I feel no danger, it is only safe. I feel blessed. You can walk me to death's door and I will accept my fate if that is the fate you decide for me.

I'd rather not pass away, I can't leave you yet. I would solve mortality and selfishly keep it for the two of us, to live with you for eternity. That is not allowed though, you would be punished for playing with life like that, and that is why I would take the fall. I don't mind falling if it means I can admire your immortality from the gates. Your sweet porcelain skin mustn't age. Not until you love me, I want us to live happily ever after.

(I struggled so much for Vyn's smh)

[emeritus-fuckers]

Okay, but what about yandere Daddy Jimmy? I feel like that would be an absolute nightmare (in the most interesting way possible). -Nick

Nick, you just made the the happiest Ghoul (i am not calling myself a person anymore, screw that) on the planet. Also, is it bad that I am so excited to write for him? - Jez

Yandere Father Jim Defroque headcanons

The issue with Father Jim is that he already is sort of like a yandere.

He's obsessed with the power he holds over his pet, how he can make them do almost anything simply because of how well he manipulated them into thinking he loved them.

But if he actually loved them? Oh, he's the worst.

He was already manipulative and controlling, but now? Now he's unbearable.

You might as well be reported missing, because nobody gets to see you again.

Once he finally manipulates you enough to run away from home to live with him in his secret penthouse, you're not leaving.

(To clarify, I believe he has his regular home to be visited by his believers and a secret penthouse for his party whore life)

He doesn't even have to lock the door. He's gonna fucking gaslight and manipulate (basically brainwash) you into staying forever.

"It's dangerous out there, my dear. But I'm keeping you safe. As long as you stay here, even if I'm away, God will protect you."

He always makes it about you and God. Never about him, even though it's all about him. Everything is about him.

Above anything, it's still all about the power dynamic to him. He can make you kneel and beg for his love with just a cold look.

He is somewhat similar to Sister Imperator in that regard, I suppose? But he's worse, because Sister doesn't cover it up with pretty words, while Jimmy here paints himself to be your savior, your shepherd, your very own angel on Earth.

Like, with Seestor, you know very well it's about her. She's your Mistress. With Jim, he makes you believe it's all about God. By obeying him, you obey Jesus.

Make Father DeFroque happy and you make Jesus happy. And you want to make Jesus happy, don't you?

I feel like he might make you walk around naked.

Gives some weird excuse that this was how Adam and Eve walked around in the Garden of Eden, back when they were innocent and free of sin.

And you're such a sweet, innocent little thing. You should embrace life as if once was, embrace the innocence.

You are, after all, innocent. Even as he does the most twisted, depraved things to you, you're innocent. Because "making love" with him is like making love with Jesus. He's a man of God, all he does comes from pure love and care for your adorable, angelic self.

It doesn't matter if hurts, you have to endure it for Heaven.

He doesn't care if you cry whenever he touches you. He knows you'll let him do whatever he wants. Even if you're scared or in pain. Because at this point, there's only him. There's nothing else in your life. Only him and the sweet promises of God he gives you.

The big difference between yandere Jim and regular Jim, however, is his willingness to give you drugs.

While normally you'd just be a source of entertainment that he pretends to care for, he genuinely wants all of you as a yandere.

That makes him less willing to give you drugs and alcohol, even if he comes to you wasted and high.

He only slips you small doses of different pills if for whatever reason you start rebelling against him. He wants you to be nice, cute and obedient. And if the only way to achieve it is to slip a pill to your tea, so be it.

[diosama27]

Part 2 - insecure chubby reader

Angst, fluff

Jotaro Pov:

When all other girls were after me she was not, yn was different she just treated me like a normal person.

I felt comfortable around her. I could be my true self.

This was such a weird feeling I have never felt like this before. Something comfortable, but still it makes me nervous when I'm with her.

I don't know how it's possible to have such mixed feelings for someone. Yn looks so beautiful, elegant and cute all at the same time. I didn't know people could pull off all this together.

Her curves are all hidden, but still I couldn't help imagining how she will look like under all those baggy clothes.

She's so perfect. I'm afraid that someone will snatch her away. I want to get ready before confessing my love for her. Will she accept me?

That time when I was with yn in the cafe, I felt so embarrassed to be alone with her I know that's not how I am but still when it comes to her I am all nervous and flustered. I can't really control myself when I am with her.

I was actually scared that she would find me creepy when I texted her like that. But still she was so composed. This is not the way how I feel normally, I just want to protect her at all cost I just want to see her smile the beautiful smile on her face is enough.

She must be so soft I want her. I want her to call my name

I wonder what sounds she will make? How will my name sound in her mouth? How will she look like under her clothes? How will it feel like having her in my arms? ... Shit shit shit i can't think of anything else when I'm with her

I want her to be mine

End of jotaro pov~~

Classes went on you had ur final exams. It was pretty easy since u stu-died.

And so your long awaited winter holidays are coming.

So it was time for you to fill and refill and refill your big tummy and hibernate all day. "Heaven isn't it?"

Your holidays went by you got a message from jotaro, he asked you out. You thought of getting rid of those feelings this winter but he keeps on hindering the plan

Well you didn't have much to do but still enjoyed your hibernation process. Yet you didn't turn him down because of the feelings you have for him like you felt it was just too unfair for him

(AN: grulll he rejected hundreds of women)

So it was a date but basically all you did was hangout in a park for a little while and then had lunch after sometime he just brought you back home.

Well it was literally an awkward trip since you were not the one to start a conversation and even if you did he just nodded.

Still there was something you both felt in the silence among you. Only the presence of each other was enough no words nothing just having jotaro with you felt soo pleasent.

Before bidding your goodbyes, you thanked him

As you were about to leave, he grabbed your wrist gently with his big hand which made you jerk with shock. You turned around blushing beet red thinking of what all things that were about to happen.

He holds out a bouquet of fresh flowers and says

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

Jotaro was nervous you didn't think that you would be able to see him like this with a little blush, holding a bouquet for a girl and the girl bieng you was so unreal.

You thought you were dreaming, there was no other explanation for something like this to happen unless you're dreaming about it. But still you didn't feel like waking up.

You wanted this moment to continue forever. Your heart was beating soo much and you felt like you're going to burn up

You wanted to accept jotaro's proposal immediately but your heart snak you felt sad. You felt like you were never in his league, so why is he confessing now. Maybe he lost a bet or something

You just played it off

"Yaaa! Jotaro c'mon now stop pulling my leg. Did you lose a bet or something?....I... I.. almost fell for it."

Jotaro Pov:

What is she talking about. Does she think I'm toying with her.

"Hey, yn I'm serious I'm not playing with you . Are you not interested in dating me?"

Yn Pov: Is he really confessing to me right now? The mighty Jotaro Kujo? the man of attitude?

No no this is not happening

Wait I'm not even fit to walk around with him so why did he choose me over all other girls.

"Why me jotaro? You could have choosen anyone. So why choose me?

You want me to believe you? How can I? It's not logical."

He was shook. Jotaro didn't expect you to degrade yourself, he never have thought of you like this his only thought was that he could never be enough for you.

Tears brimming in your eyes you were soo embarrassed that you are about to cry infront of your crush. While trying to pull back in your tears and hidding your vulnerable side you did not see that coming

Jotaro gave you a big warm hug, eyes filled with guilt that he was never there for you when you needed someone

You couldn't comprehend what was going on all you could hear was jotaro's kind and gentle voice while you were crying and feeling comfort in his chest.

"Yn, it's alright you have me now. You are the one and only woman in my life. You don't have to bottle it up, you can cry on me."

"It's ok yn. It's alright"

"It's ok, It's alright"

"It's ok yn. It's alright"...

You heard only this. Jotaro Kujo's soothing voice to put you back in a stable mind along with the cold evening breeze

After all the crying you felt really embarrassed that you couldn't see him in the eyes.

"I'm sorry jotaro. I just.... "

He hugged you again and said

"Yn I will always love you no matter what it is. Take some time. You need some rest."

He pulled away and kissed your forehead "I love you"

You were so flustered that you were not able to think straight for a moment.

You never felt this, it was real yet felt dreamy. You have never felt so blessed in your life. You turned around to see Jotaro leave.

You didn't know how it happened all of a sudden you were there back hugging the tall man. "Thank you Jotaro, I... i..lo..lo..love... you too"

Well you thought to atleast give him a chance

The man was frozen for a second, he then turned around and hugged you and said "thank you for accepting me, love. I will make sure that you made the right decision"

[curiouschaosstarlight]

hello!! this is some encouragement! I also have anxieties, as well as general difficulty Living Life due to executive dysfunction. but that Want you have is proof enough that you SHOULD push out a little more! your bones long for sunshine, your brain longs for other brains to bounce off of! something that helped me out was two things: resolving to go on more little walks, and learning how to cook better. it's small, and neither will Totally Change Your Life, but it's an extra Kick to get you moving and more used to having some variety. anxiety-wise, i would examine WHAT anxieties you have and make appropriate preparations. scared of getting hurt? see if there's any martial arts places in your area; learning some self-defense and improving your Reaction reflexes can help with that A LOT. worried about poor interactions with strangers? first, think of some ways they could go WELL. then, think of some /realistic/ ways they could go bad, and practice calming down and accepting those circumstances. the cashier being mildly annoyed with you is not the end of the world, after all! stuff like that. and i know we basically never talk, but i see you in my notes quite a lot, so i've come to consider you a friend :) please, feel free to say howdy anytime! even if it's just tagging in a meme.

Hey, same hat!! (Well, probably. I don't have an -official- diagnosis because...well, because the healthcare system sucks and I keep getting the runaround, but it's getting increasingly clear to me and my loved ones that I probably have really bad, undiagnosed ADHD)

I definitely need to go on more walks TwT I was doing really well, going on walks with my mom on early mornings! ...but then, story of my life, Something Happened and "The Habit" Broke. (In this case, it snowed and mom didn't want to walk when there was a bunch of snow on the ground, and I didn't want to go without her) So I have to restart the walking (again), but I still need to do it. I want to cook stuff more often ;w; even if it's just simple stuff. But my current physical situation (slightly with me and my injured shoulder, but primarily with certain stuff outside of my control), that is currently not an option for me qvq

Ironically, fun fact, for all my anxieties and emotional problems, walking around alone has never really scared me (even, or rather especially, at night; night walks are my JAM) unless it's ~mosquito hours~ (See, I have fans! Thousands and thousands of teeny tiny ones........they only want me for my body tho.......) ...Conversely, my body's reaction to rejection (or even perceived rejection) is aaaallll janked up to high heavens qvq and the idea that someone will hate me/dislike me/think I'm "weird" or "annoying" is definitely my biggest obstacle when it comes to approaching new people. (The rise of purity/callout/cancel culture has, uh, definitely not helped as you might imagine...) Definitely my currently biggest problem is I don't have any good ways of calming myself without going to my two best friends for support/distraction, which...really isn't viable in a lot of situations. (<- Something that I realized while reading this ask!) I'm sort of good at doing things like pressing "send" or "join" past my panic and just letting myself panic fully afterwards, but this also is not good long-term...something I absolutely need to look into more.

Awww! ^w^ Thank you! We may not talk much, but I do really value the times you do respond to the stuff I say! And I will! (Also, memes are definitely funner when you have more people to tag >:3c)

[gachag0d]

Blasting Joji at 3 A.M. ANGST | Obey Me x Joji Nectar pt. 1

Synopsis: Sorting the Obey Me characters into which Joji Nectar songs I think they would blast at 3 A.M during sad hours.

Characters: The Brothers and The Dateable (-Luke)

CW: Joji's music is explicit and contains Swearing, Mentions of Self Harm, Thoughts of Suicide, Alcohol and Drug Abuse, Implied Violence, Unrequited love, & Possessiveness.

A/N: Ngl, this is my favorite album. It's just *chief kiss* I love it so much. Thank you to everyone who has given my posts a like! It means so much. <3 Also, I know Mammon is in so many of these. I guess I just headcannon he is obsessed with Joji songs. He just gets him, ya know? Spreading my angsty Mammon agenda, haha.

Ballads 1 | In Tongues | Nectar pt. 1 | Nectar pt. 2 | Smithereens

"Ooh, teach me to love just to let me go I can't believe that I'm not enough Not enough And so long, no one will be here to save you And no one will be here to let you know Let you know This is your world (This is your world) This is your world (This is your world)"

LEVIATHAN, Mammon, Asmodeus, Simeon

"Speed it up, slow it down I need control, I need it now I need to live a thousand times I cannot stop, I cannot cry I will not fret, I will not die I am a machine, I stay alive Sometimes I think, sometimes I think Sometimes I think, sometimes I- oh I've got no aim, a million rounds, it's nothing real A hundred pounds of heavy steel, it feels so loud Tied to my chest, it feels so loud I'll take a peek to across the peaks The grass is neat, I'm quite unique But I'd like to be, but I'd like to be"

BEELZEBUB, Barbados, Satan

"Tick-tock Gimme, gimme big bucks That is all I do, girl I just hit the jackpot I wish you were here with me now so I could feel some I wish you were here to hold me down like a real one, Live long Wanna be a big shot Should've stayed away But always had a weak spot I've been on the road, And I'm sorry for the mix-up If you still love me, can you see me during liftoff?"

MAMMON, Asmodeus, Diavolo

"And I've been a hero Helpless I'm in hell And I've cried Up and down in these hallways Blamed myself Bad luck, I don't wanna be home at midnight Sun's up, I don't really wanna fight the daylight I don't care if you moved on I'm not laying in bed with a fucked up head I'm not laying in bed with a fucked up-"

SIMEON, Mammon, Solomon, Lucifer, Belphegor

"Guess I'm flyin' international We can meet, but no more lies at the Oriental Now I'm so professional I just need you one more time to get it right, you know? Won't you upgrade? I know it hurts You deserve it, I know your worth If you think you can't make it happen We'll keep it optional (Keep it optional) We don't make sense, we don't make sense We don't make sense enough to give this time But if you'll be mine We'll keep it optional"

DIAVOLO, Lucifer, Solomon, Satan

"Swinging out front, let me inside Playing my song into my sides It hurts, I can't lie, Remember those times I fought to get out? I want to get out Those pictures so clear, they fade in my mind You leavin' me here with ashes and fire These people don't heal, these people don't feel These people aren't real so make me this deal Won't you gimme, gimme love Gimme, gimme love Gimme, gimme love"

MAMMON, Beelzebub, Simeon, Asmodeus

"I fell for your magic I tasted your skin And though this is tragic At least I found the end I witness your madness You shed light on my sins And if we share in this sadness Then where have you been? I know you're not in love Like you used to be Guess I'm not the one Like you used to think So you just run I know that I'm stuck In this misery Guess I'm not enough Like you used to think So I'll just run"

SOLOMON, Lucifer, Simeon, Belphegor

"If you’ve been waitin' for fallin' in love Babe, you don’t have to wait on me 'Cause I've been aimin' for Heaven above But an angel ain't what I need Not anyone, you're the one More than fun, you're the sanctuary 'Cause what you want is what I want Sincerity"

LUCIFER, Simeon, Mammon, Diavolo, Beelzebub, Asmodeus

"A little messed up, do you feel it? A little bit of this and a little bit of that She wanna know which way I'm leanin' Am I really made of this, am I really made of that? And is it so bad if you need me? Just a little bit, woah, don't get rid of me, ayy But love is so blind when you feel it (So blind) Can't defeat it, hope you feelin'"

SOLOMON, Belphegor, Barbados

[Flip to Side B]

[thisdreamplace]

can you speak more on your relationship with God?

personally, i kind of combine both faith and manifesting. not in the traditional sense but if i want something, i pray and then i let it go knowing that everything is working out for me bc God is taking care of it.

idk it feels relieving knowing that i don't have to correct my thoughts or emotions and leave it all up to a higher power that i can trust. i believe that my will is God's will, so i know things will go my way regardless of my thoughts emotions or the circumstances. this way i'm able to enjoy and focus more on the present moment knowing that everything's been taken care of.

sure ! tbh, i feel like it's so personal. its such a sweet thing, you know ? for me, honestly, i really mainly see myself as god's child. these verses in the bible: john 10:30 and john 14:28 combined say, "my father and i are one, but my father is greater than i" and this is how i understand it. i know that god is within me, when i turn within and find the kingdom of heaven that's where god waits for me. but for my human self, sometimes it feels too much of a burden to say "YOU are god" and so, when i know that god is part of me, but my father is greater than i, then i can rest. i can relax because i know i am taken care of and i don't have to try to fix my life or try to be in control. so really, my relationship with god is one of trust, tbh. if i could put it in one word it would be trust. and love. so two words. lol pure love, i know that with god there is the purest love.

to me, faith and manifesting are one in the same. we cannot speak of god, and try to deattach from the spiritual at the same time. i tried to do that in the beginning of my journey and it only produced pain for me.

i feel the same, when i know its god working the magic, not my human self, i can enjoy each moment. i can trust in my life. i'm not worried about keeping a state or affirming something to be true, it already is, because god lives in my heart and that's where everything is true. when it comes to wanting something, i don't know, i kind of just set that intention and let it be what it may. what dreams may come, i will allow them and accept them. (i literally have that phrase written on my headboard hahah) i like to pray, but i pray to connect to myself in a moment, to pause and say thank you. and wow. prayer literally works WONDERS. i didn't used to, but i started recently because i just had a feeling to.

xo

[alextheavoidant]

Things the covert narcissist did/said to me: Projection #1

"You are selfish and make everything about yourself."

Let me tell you something. It is quite a slap in the face to dedicate years to someone else's mental health and well being. Sacrificing hours and hours and hours of your time, energy and emotion that you could have spent on other things or with other people. Begging someone to get help, giving them advice, trying to educate them the best you can on what you know about mental health, and sharing your own struggles and vulnerabilities in the process. Only to be told you are selfish and make everything all about yourself.

And what did I do to deserve this accusation? Well, it's quite a doozy. Are you ready?

I started taking care of myself.

Yup. That's it. That is my cardinal sin.

I started working out. Eating better. Started a skin care routine. I even quit smoking. And made the mistake of sharing all this with someone whom I thought I could celebrate my success with. Boy was I wrong.

It seemed this person thought I was getting just a little too big for my britches. A little too confident. Too self assured. Too individuated. And as we know, that's a big problem for a narcissist who wants to have control over someone. So of course, they had to knock me down a peg. It was not their choice - but their duty - to keep me humble. Keep me down. Keep me controllable. So that I don't make the catastrophic mistake of thinking that I, of all people, got to be an independent person who got to make their own choices in life. Or, heaven forbid, actually feel good about myself.

But it wasn't just that I was selfish. This person decided that this newfound selfishness translated to more than just the audacity to care enough about myself to take care of my physical body. No, of course, there were dire consequences to this incredibly self centered decision of mine.

But the narc can't say the truth, and admit that the real reason their mad is because I haven't been paying quite as much attention to them. Not picking up the phone as much, responding to their texts as much or validating how hard their life is during every conversation we have. No, that would require them to admit that I have the power to bruise their fragile ego. And I can't be that important, because my job is to be insignificant.

So, instead of admitting the truth, what did they do? They attacked the one thing they know would get a rise out of me. My parenting and my child.

So, according to this person, because I have been working out, and talking about the fact that I have been working out, that obviously means that I have completely given up on parenting. That I "don't care" about my child. I "don't do anything good". "Don't provide" for my child. That I am "not a parent" and "shouldn't have her ". That because I work out, and work out so much, that my child is being neglected, and being neglected so severely that she is now autistic.

Yes, you read that right. I am not even kidding. This narcissist actually made the insinuation that my taking care of my body has resulted in my child suddenly developing autism.

Do I even need to say it? Pretty sure it's common knowledge that... well, that's just not how autism works. I mean, perhaps it is possible if the neglect is severe and the child is very young. But my child is well into their teens and, of course, not being neglected in any way. But apparently, this person was so stupid - or thought I was so stupid - that this would be an effective way of manipulating me. And sadly, at some point, I was broken down enough that maybe it would have. But not anymore.

This person even threatened to call the state on me and have my kid taken away...

All because.

I started.

Working.

Out.

So, in a nutshell, their intention was to make me feel like me being healthy = the end of the fucking world.

Honestly, if that's not abuse, I donno what is.

.......

That's all for today. Cheers.