#he's literally been sitting like 95% done for two weeks......

[benzshroomart]

my friend was playing Hades 2 and sent an image of Chronos and I went "damn i should draw Paradox as him" so then i did (it took forever bc i got bored of it right at the finish line lol)

i haven't drawn this guy since uuuuuuuh idk 2015 maybe '14…?

[tmlfan1977]

For those who don't know, I've been a singer for most of my life. I'd first discovered my love of singing when I was 11 years old when a friend of my sister's had invited us over to visit one day. It was there when I was introduced to karaoke. The girl's father owned a machine and a plethora of tapes. Up until that point, I'd spent much of my childhood singing along to songs on the radio. But karaoke was a game changer. The ability to sing my favorite songs using instrumental backing tracks was a concept I'd not known about prior to then..... and I was hooked!

It wasn't until I was 14 years young when I decided to take a chance by calling every bar and restaurant in town which ran karaoke. I was brutally honest with each of them by stating my age and that all I wanted to do was sing. Surprisingly, 95% of the places were cool with it! Even better, my mom was ok with me going to these places to do it!

I still remember the first bar I'd ever sang at. It was a place called "My Uncle's Pub". As coincidence would have it, the man who ran the karaoke there was none other than the father of my sister's friend who had introduced me to it only 3 years prior. Small world!

Needless to say, I took every chance I could to go out and sing, and even became a "regular" at a number of places. Friday nights (and some Thursdays), I'd sing at a bar called Brewsky's.... and Sunday nights you would always find me at the Desert Inn in a lounge called Stingers. A few years later, I'd spend my Friday nights singing at RJ's Bar & Grill, which was located inside Woodlawn Bowl (a bowling alley).

When I turned 19 (the legal drinking age in Canada), I switched up RJ's for Knights of Columbus on Friday nights, which became my watering hole for close to 20 years. I have so many great memories of that place, and had made a lot of friends!

It was around 2009 or so when I was asked by a longtime friend if I'd be interested in joining his band. He was a drummer, and his friend was a keyboard player. So the 3 of us played together for a few years. We didn't really "go" anywhere, save for a couple of private parties. Unfortunately, the drinking and the drugs between the two of them were a little much for me to deal with, so I chose to leave.

From that point on, I'd sang very little. I would go to karaoke at the Red Chevron Club maybe 2 or 3 times a year at best. I really didn't have the passion for it anymore.

This past October, I'd received a call from the aforementioned friend from my previous band of which I'd left, asking me if I'd be willing to sit in with him and another fellow who played guitar. Knowing why I'd left previously, I was promised that drinking and drugs would be non-existent. So I agreed.

We called ourselves The Basement Dwellers, a name I concocted as we played in the basement of 90 Carden Street in downtown Guelph. Google that address if you'd like to learn of its significance.... or lack thereof.

We didn't go far as a 3-piece, aside from a Facebook live stream we put together in mid-December. But, we were asked by the Pastor of the Royal City Mission to perform as part of their "Beat the Winter Blues" fundraising concert in March of this year.

That night will forever be ingrained in my mind as one of the greatest nights of my life. We performed a 7 song set along with a guest bass player. Prior to the show, I was incredibly nervous about being a "front man". After all, I'd done nothing but karaoke my entire life. They call your name. You get up. You sing your song. You sit down. You wait your turn to do it again.

For weeks prior to the event, I'd rehearsed in my head what I was going to say before and after each song. I'd literally never had to do anything like it before. So when I went up there that night, I'd put all insecurities aside, and I was a FRONT MAN! I had people clapping and cheering. I was cracking jokes. I sang "Happy Birthday" to one of the attendees. After our set, we even received a standing ovation. Watching the footage back, I'd absolutely shocked myself. I didn't realize I had it in me to do what I did that night. It goes without saying that I didn't come down from that natural high for days!

Anyway, we had decided before that point that this would be the Basement Dwellers' first, last and only gig. There were a number of issues surrounding a particular member of the band, which at that point had reached a level of absurdity.

But as they say.... When one door closes, another one opens.

I had started attending these Thursday open jams at a downtown establishment, where shortly after I was asked to join a newly formed band by the guy who was running the open jams. The rhythm guitarist from my previous band was also asked to join. Soon thereafter, a drummer had joined us, as well as a bass player, who concurrently played with the drummer in another band. We were known as the Downtown All-Stars.

From February until June, we'd play at the same place every Thursday hosting these open jams. It was fun for the most part, but quickly became cumbersome as many times our only audience were the same few regulars week after week. We had a handful of weeks where a plethora of talent would come and grace the stage. Those were the nights I enjoyed most. Unfortunately, in the four months we'd hosted this event, we received no payment of any kind. It seemed unfair because, especially on the busy nights, the establishment was thriving. I'd advertised the open jams to the hilt on as many platforms as I could find, and I gave 110% every single week on that stage to the point where my throat would be hoarse for most of the following week.

In late May, a gentleman saw us perform and had asked us to perform a set for Royal Distributing's inaugural "Bike Night" of the summer, an annual 2-month long event where bikers would come and show off their hardware, etc. I was absolutely ecstatic about being asked because I'd considered it our first big break!

During our soundcheck, I literally could not hear myself through the monitor to save my life. As any singer will tell you, you HAVE to be able to hear yourself. Otherwise, you're more or less tone deaf. I was quickly in panic mode because I literally didn't know how I sounded to the audience because I didn't even know how I sounded to myself. The problem was, the guitarists always had a tendency to be VERY loud. Even during open jams, you would constantly find the rhythm guitarist turning up his volume. The lead guitarist, who concurrently played in a punk band was equally as loud.

A few days following the show, I'd addressed the issue via group chat. The drummer and bass player were in agreement, whereas the rhythm guitarist's reply was standoff-ish, as though he'd done nothing wrong. It took 4 DAYS to get any kind of reply from the founding member and lead guitarist of the band..... Only for him to create a short video telling me that he didn't think anything needed to be changed. After all, he'd been in the business for yadda yadda years, and that there are a lot of places where singers can't hear themselves.

All this told me was that he didn't give a shit, and wasn't going to accommodate my concerns one iota. So I chose to leave. They'd held an open jam that following Thursday. I fully intended on going for one last go-round, but I'd decided against it at the last minute. If I was going to be disrespected THAT much, well..... What's good for the goose.

A couple of weeks after leaving, I'd posted an ad on the Guelph Musician's Hook-Up group, basically in search of another band looking for a vocalist. I'd specified that I was looking for like-minded musicians who were free from drama, ego and substance abuse issues.

Well wouldn't you know? This past Friday, I receive a private message from my former lead guitarist literally THREATENING me to take the ad down. He claimed that I was taking cheap shots at him, his band and his production company by stating "substance abuse" in my ad. The truth is, it had absolutely nothing to do with him. This was a personal preference..... a preference I'd even made when I created an ad 10 years ago when I was looking for a band. I told him. "Show me EXACTLY where I mention you, the band or your production company...... I'll wait......". He said if I didn't take it down, he would publicly defame MY character. For the sake of avoiding any kind of bullshit, I reluctantly took it down. After all, you can't reason with the unreasonable.

After talking to a few people however, I decided to re-instate the ad. I chose NOT to allow myself to get bullied, and I certainly don't take too lightly to threats. There were times over the past month where I had regrets, questioning whether leaving was the right thing to do..... but after he had threatened me, there was absolutely no question about it! I HAD done the RIGHT thing!

Anyway, as it stands. I don't know what the future holds in terms of singing. I'd like to think that the right band is out there somewhere. It's like someone said. You need to go where you are WANTED..... not needed. Truer words have never been spoken!

[calif0rnia-lovers]

Dating Bishop Losa Would Include...

A/N: what’s wild is thinking I posted this only to realize it was sitting in my drafts. Showing my all time favorite love some love 😍

Rating: 💙

Check out the others I’ve done so far?: Dating Angel Reyes + Dating Ezekiel Reyes

✦ Bishop is entirely too old -- both physically and mentally --for playing games.

✧ So, if you’re looking for some quick, undefined and slightly messy, drama filled hookups please spare him the headache, and consult with a younger member of the MC

✦ The man’s got a lot of shit on his plate -- so stable, supportive relationships are his favorite cup of tea

✧ Doesn’t believe in beating around the bush, so expect an A class Old School Gentleman, wine and dine — treat you like a queen — from the beginning

✦ When you first get together, it takes Bish a minute to actually get with the program

✧ It’s been a while since he’s had an Old Lady — one who can actually handle sharing him with the MC — so cut him some slack.

✦ He’s not used to sending someone updates about his plans and whereabouts

✧ Hank might of nudged Bishop a few times — “you might wanna let the Old Lady know....”

✦ He’s also not used to someone waiting for him to come home.

✧ Seriously — cut the man some slack — he feels like shit when he finds you half-awake at 2 am that first time

✦ He’s apologetic AF if he misses a date, or has to cancel on you 

✧ You not riding him about it because you know he’s already stretched thin enough

✦ But once he gets with the program, Bishop keeps you in the loop

✧ Not with just his movements, but with the status of the MC as well

✦ Obispo BLEEDS LOYALTY AND TRUST — so as his Old Lady you’re expected to help him bear the weigh

✧ He’s not the type to unload each and every detail — in fact, he’s pretty bad at trying to carry the weight by himself

✦ There are just some aspects of the club he doesn’t think you should be involved in,  so he filters out some things when relaying it to you

✧ It’s not that he thinks you can’t handle it, he just doesn’t want you to worry — because man do you worry. And when you worry, Bishop worries so....

✦ Some nights it weighs on him. Those nights he’s different. His kisses are needy, hands rough

✧ He’ll ask for your opinion. It takes a while for you to feel comfortable enough to offer it, but he quickly learns sometimes you’ll give it without his asking

✦ Regardless, he respects your opinion even if it doesn’t always align with his

✧ Arguments are truly unavoidable — he carries around a lot of pressure and stress -- but Bish is really good at letting you vent 

✦ Sometimes he can’t catch himself, and he yells in the heat of the moment — the quickest to apologize

✧ Let a single tear fall, he’s next to you in a heartbeat

✦ Once your relationship becomes serious the most important question is -- Are you dating? OR Are you married?

✧ YOU’RE BASICALLY MARRIED

✦ You’re literally the only person who can knock him down a couple of notches

✧ And the only one bold enough to try it 

✦ Remember how Bishop doesn’t have time to play games? 

✧ When he introduces you to the MC it’s basically an unspoken promotion ceremony -- get ready to become the live-in mother to his children MC

✦ Bishop knows you do it for him, but also because the boys love you, and you love them.

✧ Tries his best to show how much he appreciates you taking on the responsibility. There are moments when he catches you, a deep kiss following. 

✦ “What’s that for?” You smile. 

✧ His lips soft against your forehead. “I love you.”

✦ Bish worries about the MC way more than he lets on -- WAY FREAKING MORE

✧ He’s pretty sure each day they knock a year off his life -- so he smokes way too much

✦ You tease him about it all the time -- “You smoke too much.”

✧ “Would you rather me strangle one of them?”

✦ Seeing you with the MC, and how easily they gravitate to you and how you help them relax, he’s hooked but let him see you around kids --

✧ All of a sudden, the idea of having kids doesn’t seem impossible

✦ Bishop listens to input from others, but sometimes he’s all about that tough love 

✧ The boys play you two like true freaking parents  

✦ They know when Bish is one of his tough love trips, all they have to do is mention something, and you’ll get Bishop to loosen up

✧ Angel is usually the one sent to butter you up —primarily because he’s the one getting that tough love --  Bishop falls victim to this 99% of the time 

✦ Loves to relax against you after a long day -- head against your chest with your fingers in his hair

✧ He always protests -- because it’s not necessary -- but he’ll  hand his phone over to you so that he can relax.  Even if it is for just an hour.

✦ He might or might not have one of the boys stay behind when he goes on a long club run. You learn to deal with the random check ins during his absence. 

✧ If you’re pregnant, and he’s gone for more than a couple of days, expect one of the guys to stay in the guest room. 

✦ He will literally not budge on this one

✧ You’re literally a goddess on earth -- Bishop worships the ground you walk on 

✦ Protective AF -- bleeds into him being overprotective at times. Primarily because he worries you might get affected by blowback from a club decision

✧ He knows you’re more than capable of handling yourself, but he still worries 

✦ License to carry -- Bish teaches you how to shoot. It gives him peace of mind so you indulge him  

✧ King of whispered compliments as he stops to steal a passing kiss

✦ He thinks it funny when guys try and flirt with you -- primarily because they don’t realize you’ll probably eat them alive. 

✧ As long as you’re smiling he’s cool, but let someone get handsy or not shut down their advances and Bishop’s stepping in

✦ Would literally kill someone with his bare hands if they hurt you 

✧ Don’t think that “harmless” flirting will be forgotten. Bishop’s got patience for days. You can’t tease him into cracking first so his payback is torture

✦ Bish is a natural born flirt -- homeboy is dripping in that natural born charisma that can diffuse most situations -- and the flirting does not stop once you start dating

✧ Pretty sure your permanent seat is his lap. He’ll drag you onto his lap, arm around your waist no matter what he’s doing

✦ This man is made of kisses for days. Whether it be a quick kiss to your cheek, forehead, or fingers. Or a stolen moment away from the club, kisses improve his mood 100000% 

✧ Typically seen with his arm draped around your shoulder, lips pressed against your temple or cheek

✦ When he feels guilty, for being too busy, he’s extra romantic. He’ll make dinner, pop up unannounced at your job when he’s got time to spare 

✧ "What do you want, Obispo?”

✦ “Just making sure you don’t run off on me,” he chuckles.

✧ You know those stories you read about where someone’s husband gave his wife flowers religiously every single week -- that’s some Obispo Losa type of shit

✦ May be a gentleman, but definitely rough in the bedroom -- 

✧ And in Templo -- you’ve lost count the number of times he’s taken you over that table or had you down on your knees

✦ Quickies. He’s a busy man, if he’s got time he’s not going to object to you pulling him away

✧ If you’re going to “accidentally” send a needy text while he’s working or you woke up thinking you’re gonna be sassy -- please know he’ll call you on your shit

✦ He has no problem having the room cleared & one of the guys relaying that “....he wants to see you.”

✧ His patience will outlast yours any day -- so get mouthy and try and cause a scene if you want --

✦ Most def leaves a kiss against the back of your hand every time he leaves you

If you would like to be removed from tags, let me know

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[yeocult]

ATEEZ as students studying

HONGJOONG:

king of self-care! but studies for 15 minutes then take a 2 hour break and calls it self-care (omg he thinks he’s me or smth)

has power naps every single day at least 30 mins because he’s Stressed

always thinking of ways to drop out during the middle of lectures

that one kid that talks to nobody & sits at the back of the class with his hood on to hide his airpods

doesn’t do it anymore bc one time it disconnected and “there’s some whores in this house” blasted out loud & now he’s paranoid

shows up to group studies but lets the group carry him,,, but he puts out One Really good idea to get his name on the paper

only cares about topics he’s interested in, other than that he’s just astral projecting

“yo can you send me your answers so i can compare mine?” but he copies it and says “we got the same answers” (all men do is lie</3)

calculates his marks; “ok so i need at least a 80 on this...oh wait no, a 95...damn okay...”

the type to arrives late with ice coffee

SEONGHWA:

wakes up at 5 am to study instead of staying up

scented candles and lofi music for the ~studying mood~

a linguistic learner

learns best by teaching others so he’ll do group studies often to help other people

teaches people without making them feel dumb

uses grammarly for his emails with 3 paragraphs asking 1 question with a proper greeting and a ‘sincerely, park seonghwa’

professor: ok - sent from iphone

you’ll never see him during exams week, he’s Gone

a loyal user of the outline method

his desk must be cleared at all times! a clean workspace makes it easier to focus

brings extra pencil just in case anyone needs them bc he’s the sweetest person ever (he’s fully aware that he’ll never get them back but it’s okay bc sharing is caring)

does his readings on time (you’ll never catch him slacking)

actually has his shit together for the most part 1/2

YUNHO:

writes “i love you” or “sorry” at the end of his tests (that he bombed)

the type to ask you to print “just one thing real quick” and it’s 15 page and at 2 am

uses emojis like :D & \(^o^)/ when sending emails to his professors

has a bad habit of copying word for word on the slide and he doesn’t actually understand/learn anything

goes to the library bc he thinks that’ll help him be in the ~studying vibe~

it doesn’t. ends up texting or watching youtube gameplay

has never heard of the colour-coding system in his entire life and ends up with a page filled with neon highlight

snacks breaks are the only thing keeping him Normal

leaves himself an encouraging note at the end of the reading page so when he’s finished he feels good !!

friends with all of the professors and uses all office hours

strongest points are his guessing skills in multiple-choice questions (process of elimination ftw!)

he tries his best, doesn’t care about marks that much because he knows it doesn’t determine him (and he’s right!)

YEOSANG:

probably runs a studyblr/gram

has the cutest note ever, his handwriting is so pretty!!

he thinks that buying an ipad pro & apple pencil will make him smarter

likes it bc he can doodle on it then erase them easily :”)

has to wear blue ray glasses because of how he looks at a screen so much

mildliners, muji 0.38 gel pen, 6 ring binder, minimal planner, washi tapes, you name it! he visits muji and daiso every other week

buys wayyy too many planners and notebooks which he never ends up using

only uses pastel mildliners because they’re easy on the eyes. cringes every time he sees yunho’s highlighters v_v

his flaw is that he spends 10 mins writing his header with brush tip pens

mutes the group project gc but gets his part done like the good classmate he is

sweats every time he gets an assignment back, takes a whole ten minute to mentally prepare himself

a visual learner; makes mind maps, flow charts, etc

actually has a working printer that he uses pretty often to prints lessons before class just to be Extra prepare

tells everyone he slept well but his bullet journal habit tracker for sleep says otherwise (plz rest!!)

exclusively uses college ruled paper like the sane person he is

SAN:

uses wide-ruled paper (unfortunately not everyone is perfect</3)

starts off very positive, motivated, and organized

then everything goes downhill by the second week

will definitely set byeol on top of his keyboard, take a picture, and send it to his professor as an ‘excuse’ as why he needs an extension (it works)

can’t sit still for any longer than 30 mins, his legs are always bouncing or fidgeting with pen

flashcard king! spends a lot of time on them but it’s worth it

a utensil chewer (always willing to share his pencil but when ppl saw the bite marks they’re like No Thanks >_>)

can’t study well with groups or himself bc he’ll be distracted,,, so he needs one person that can ground him bc when they’re in the zone, he will too be on his x game mode

sends his assignment at 11:58 pm hoping his professor will take the Hint (plz don’t be afraid to ask for help u_u)

prefers listening to ghibli studio soundtracks but then he either gets emotional or sleepy

sometimes forget to mute his mic and we just hear him groaning in frustration

“haha sorry i just stubbed my toe...”

then mutes his mic and goes back to his mental breakdown

MINGI:

the only person that studies every single day just to get his brain used to the information and running

probably listens to anime op or edm music for that Energy Boost

everyone either hates or love him because...

1. loves him bc he always comes clutched with study guides (and willing to share if he likes you enough)

2. he’s good at everything even if he’s not paying attention/doing it last minute

just naturally good at retaining information and applying them

asks Big Brain question that even the professors are shook

sometimes he gets super into the topic and wants to know Everything

“i’ve never failed an exam in my life” and he’s right! big brain mingi

fetal flaw is that he forgets easily (hence why the last minute) and has to write on his palm as a reminder

clicks his pens All the time so he switched to pens with caps just to keep others from jumping him

takes naps 10 mins before classes

actually has his shit together for the post part 2/2

“if no one got me, i know khan academy and quizlet got me. can i get an amen”

WOOYOUNG:

y’all know that one mf that doesn’t have a pencil?

yea he’s been using the same one someone lend to him before a test and never returned it

it’s been two months and it’s still working well and they’re never going to get it back

a minimalist,,,, but in a bad way</3 bc he carries his stolen pencil and paper that he spilled his energy drink over and that’s about it

just throw loose papers in his bag and forgets about their existence

doesn’t do binders or notebooks, just crumbled up paper

sometimes carries a textbook just to show everyone that he’s got his life together

really noisy for No reason, always wants to know other’s marks

a kinesthetic learner

hides his screen with he gets the kahoot questions wrong (you’ll never catch him slippin)

plays coolmathgames.com during class

doesn’t really know what to study/prioritize so he overwhelms himself with every single topic ever

thinks he’s god by pulling an all-nighter to look at the 60+ slides last minute

Swears he’ll change and do better next semester,,,</3

goes to the cafe, takes pictures of his notes & laptop, post it on his story, then leaves

JONGHO:

thrives off of red bull and ice americanos

gets notes and study guides from his upperclassmen because everyone loves jongho

an audio learner so he’ll probably work out or go on a jog while listening to lessons/audiobook

never pulls all-nighters bc it messes up his sleep schedule and says he’ll do it in the morning but he never does

doesn’t even own a highlighter, he’ll circle or underline stuff with a red or black pen

has never touched a textbook in his life

only the study guides and slides, his textbook is collecting dust rn

his notes are literally Only for him because his handwriting only makes sense to him

has questionable handwriting,,, it’s like decoding

multitasks a lot but it ends up taking a lot longer than he wanted to (bc it’s a myth)

very spontaneous; he’ll grind for 5 hours straight but sometimes he won’t even touch a pencil

works best when he talks about the work in groups and share information with each other, like having a convo about the topic

unmutes his mic Once after the lesson to say “bye”

does his work right after the lessons but then takes a short break & doesn’t even Look back for the rest of the night

-

a/n: tag yourself ! i’m a bit of hohong (i projected myself on all of them in some way lmaooo)

[bondsmagii]

This is definitely one of the… wilder stories here, but as always, I suppose people will believe what they will. 

This will unfortunately require some backstory, but I guess you could say the long and the short of it is that I played at being God, and it. Well. Kind of sucked, actually.

So, the backstory. I’ll try to keep it brief. I grew up in a small country village about forty-five minutes away from Belfast, Ireland. There wasn’t much going on there, as you could imagine – just a standard rural Irish town, where the most exciting thing that might happen in a week was old Farmer Joe getting a new tractor or something. Anyway, I’m not sure how many of you know about Ireland’s rather troubled past, but for the most part I missed all that. I was born around the time things were finally settling down, and while my earlier memories are filled with bomb scares and low-flying helicopters and gunshots in the night, the distant sound of shouting and the acrid smell of smoke burning a little too close for comfort, by the time I hit my teenage years most of it had wrapped up. Of course, there was the occasional scare here and there, and I’m not saying my friends and I didn’t go out looking for trouble once we were old enough, but it wasn’t the same. I’m not saying that out of a sense of, I don’t know, regret or annoyance or anything. Now I’m older, I’m not so enamoured by the idea of that much violence. I’m just saying it wasn’t really a patch on the kind of violence that used to happened there – the kind of violence that fascinated my friends and I so much. It sounds bad, but really we were just kids being kids. Little boys everywhere play at war games. It just so happened that the war we were playing had happened in our own country. It’s difficult not to be obsessed, when you see the reflection of history on the faces of every generation around you. Even slightly older siblings would know all about it – it wasn’t something you asked your grandfather, distant war stories over some vague European country that you’ve only seen on a map in your Geography classroom. This was our street corners, our high streets, the road outside the house. Here the grass verge at the side of the road where the bodies were dumped; there the lay-by where over a dozen people were blown to pieces. It was awful, but we were children. We were enamoured.

Anyway. The only violence we got really involved in was the summer rioting that happened yearly, like clockwork. It sounds like a joke, but that’s how it goes. You don’t need to know the details, but suffice to say in mid-July every year, the city would light up like we were back in the 1970s. Localised, of course, and still nowhere near as drastic as it used to be, but enough to get a taste. Petrol bombs. Police lines. Armoured cars. Water cannons. Unrestrained summer fun, you could say. But that’s for a bit later.

I’m a writer. I have been since I was four years old. Generally speaking I’m a horror writer, but I’ve branched into historical fiction a fair bit over the years. Living in Ireland, growing up how I did, it was inevitable that I would develop a fascination for Irish history. I was always a very curious child, my head in books, chasing up stories that would keep me awake at night. I never knew any boundaries. I would go after answers with military precision, asking questions, going places I shouldn’t. Dangerous for anyone, of course, but in a country like mine, where crossing the road could quite literally lead to your murder? It was reckless. I was reckless. But that’s the thing about being that age. You think you’re invincible. You think you can do anything.

I was about fourteen or fifteen, at the height of this obsession. I believe I was fifteen when I wrote this particular story, but it’s difficult to say. It was part of a series, and I was going back and forth on it and other projects for many years. Here we finally get to the point of the whole story: I had developed an obsession with Irish history, as I said, and specifically the more “modern” history – from 1916 onwards, the Easter Rising, the War of Independence, all that. I was fascinated by the Irish struggle for freedom, and while age and hindsight has lessened my… enthusiasm for the violence, I do maintain a strong opinion towards the whole thing, which is not the point here so I won’t get into it. What I’m trying to say is that my stories reflected this enthusiasm, and were undoubtedly glorifying in nature, and also at that age I was more concerned with living the fantasy than doing the research, so it was all very self-indulgent. I’m sure anyone who wrote at that age knows what I mean.

My main character… well. I’m sure you know what to expect. He was—well. Me, really. In the way of all main characters at that age, and perhaps a little even as we get older, there’s a piece of us inside all our main characters. Sometimes a little piece, other times just a cooler and more badass version of yourself. Michael was that for me. I suppose that must is obvious; I wasn’t even trying to be subtle. My name is of course Miceál, which for those of you keeping track is the Irish form of Michael. I’m just grateful that I didn’t go as far as to give him my last name, too, but everything else was there. He looked like me, he held the same views and beliefs as me, he acted like me – or at least, he acted in the ways I liked to think I’d act, or how I imagined acting later that night in the shower, reliving the scenario again. He was the best kind of self-insert character, indulgent and fun and a good friend to me. I poured a lot of myself into him. I poured everything into him. He was a constant companion, something that became ever more important to me as my real life—well, went to shit. To put it mildly. I would sit in my room writing my stories, and Michael would go out there and fight the good fight, killing and bombing for good old Ireland, and then I’d shut my computer down and go to sleep feeling just a little better than otherwise.

I’m not afraid to say that I can be obsessive. I like to get into the heads of my characters; I like to know them as well as I know everything. Yes, Michael was me, but he was also a version of me who had done things I have never done. Sometimes I would try to imagine myself as him; wonder what it was like to see through his eyes. Wonder what a me who had done that would look like. Wonder what he would do in a situation. I asked myself that a few times; a lot of times. What would Michael do? I could have put that shit on a wristband. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I’ve always been a bit of a method writer like that. It was normal, until it wasn’t.

I first saw Michael on a hot July day, in Belfast. What we call the rioting season had come around; my friends and I were there to take advantage. Just at the sidelines, mind you – nobody wants to get a face full of water cannon, even on the hottest of days. Michael was in the thick of it though. Of course he was. I’d written him to be that way.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. At first I thought I must be seeing things, but the more I looked the more I realised he looked exactly like me. Only he was a little taller, a little fitter, and his hair looked different. His clothing was different, too; perhaps a couple of decades out of date, but looking at him I saw his clothing didn’t remain consistent. The changes were subtle – material, tone – but I noticed. Looking back, I assume it’s because I never did give a specific date for his story to occur in. Well, wherever he was from he was there now, throwing rocks with the best of them, skipping from stone to stone and hurling them at police lines with an easy swing that could only come from years of practise. When we had all finally cleaned out the area – soldiers coming, a helicopter, the kind of trouble you don’t want to toy with – I managed to catch up with him. He was talking to my friends. They noticed we were both there, but didn’t seem to realise we were two different people. The whole time we were all talking, I couldn’t take my eyes off of Michael. I tried, because I knew how obvious I was being, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t work him out. I couldn’t even trust that’s what I was seeing. And the whole time, Michael watched me back. I knew the look in his eyes. It was his smug little, I know something you don’t know look. Of course I knew it. I had made him like that. I had given him that look.

I didn’t see him for some time after that. Believe it or not, I put it out of my head. I mean, come on. It was probably some other guy that my friends knew. We were in Belfast enough, and Michael isn’t exactly an uncommon name. I put it out of my mind, but I was sure that sometimes, I saw him. I was sure I’d see him in Belfast, ducking down side streets or leaning in close conversation with someone I couldn’t make out. He was always watching me. Sometimes I’d feel eyes on me and know it was him, but when I looked around I wouldn’t spot him. On some occasions – and these were always the worst – I would feel his eyes behind my own. Like he was on the inside looking out, moving independently in there, a set of eyes swivelling around over my own. It happened most often when I was trying to write his story. As you can imagine, I was nervous to do so. The more I thought I saw him, the less I wanted to write, but I didn’t think that was a good idea either. I didn’t know what to do.

It was a sunny weekend just before school started back after summer that I finally resolved to do something about it. I didn’t even feel stupid as I booted up my old Windows 95 desktop and opened Word. Michael’s story was there, in 12-point font as I always wrote then, plenty of enthusiasm but a lot less technical skill. My fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment, and then I typed.

Hello?

Nothing, of course. I deleted the word, wondering what I had expected. Feeling a little stupid now, I tried to think about where to go with the story. It was difficult to write now I had some kind of real person to assign to it all – what were the ethics here? How could I—

I won’t get into that. It would be a philosophical essay all of its own. I sat for a while wondering what to write, and then it hit me that the story had changed. The words Michael had spoken, in the paragraph that I had left off – they were no longer the words I had written. I forget what the original words were now, but they were something relatively simple; some response to another character, and I remember that another name was mentioned in it – the name of Michael’s in-universe best friend, Eamon. Now that name was gone, and the rest of the text had changed, too. Now the writing read something different entirely.

I thought you wanted to know?

I lied earlier. I said that age and experience and perhaps some more emotional maturity had led me to turn away from the kind of violence that fascinated me so much then, and I have no doubt that under normal circumstances it would have done. I had somewhat of a speed run, however; I turned my back on it because

I’m getting ahead of myself.

I had often wondered what it would be like to do what Michael did, of course. To kill and risk death for a cause, to face down prison, torture, exile. I had wondered what it would be like to commit those acts; how easy or difficult it would be to pull a trigger or push a detonator. I liked to think, in my foolish, idealistic teenage mind, that if it came down to it I could. Of course, I was in the very privileged position to not have to actually answer that question.

Michael, on the other hand, knew. And Michael was, if not me, than a product of me. Could it be possible that he could show me?

I ignored the message for several days. I didn’t know what to think. Truth be told I thought I was going mad. School started again and I got so busy that I almost, almost forgot about it – and then I opened the document by mistake one day, got into reading it over, laughing at my brilliant comebacks, you know how it is. And there it was again.

I thought you wanted to know?

Yes, I remember thinking. It stunned me – I remember that. I didn’t want to mess with this kind of stuff – I’ve always been a huge believer in the paranormal, always been cautious when it comes to fucking with that kind of stuff. I believe that magic like this, it requires intent. It needs you to be sure. It knows how you feel, true in your heart. So even when I ignored it again, even when I deleted the words and re-wrote whatever the original had been, even as I didn’t reply… I knew in my heart that my question had been heard by something. I could feel Michael’s eyes on me again, though now I wondered if it was Michael’s eyes, or something else entirely. It felt like a weight. Have you ever been in an old, old place, where you can practically feel the people who lived and died there; reach out and touch them? It felt like that. Like the weight of history was pressing down on me. I didn’t fall asleep easily that night, but when I did sleep was dark and endless.

I don’t know how long I spent in that state. In reality it was only seven hours; I woke up with my alarm. In that time period, wherever I was – because I was not living – I seemed to witness a hundred different lives. Over the course of Michael’s story I had him do all kinds of things; live all kinds of situations. I deleted things, changed others, added things in. I wrote what would now be called alternate universes. In that night I experienced them all. I know how it feels now. I know how it feels to pull a trigger; to watch the spray of someone’s life splatter a wall or a windscreen or the screaming backseat passengers of a car. I know how it feels to push the button, the one that sends a charge surging down a wire or flickering out over my head in an invisible wave of death, notifying the bomb, detonating the explosives. I know how it feels to sit in a hotel bar across a border, listening to the news, sipping a drink and feeling my heart beat in my chest as I add more numbers to the tally, more blood to my hands. I know how it feels to be shot, to be beaten, to watch a friend die, to kill someone who used to be – who still is, despite everything – a friend. I know how it feels to cough blood into my hands, onto the ground; to grip a wound that won’t stop bleeding; the blinding flash of an explosive detonating too soon and how the whole world seems to roar and how there’s a difference between the thud and slap of wet mud hitting the ground and the warmer, denser rain of something that used to be human. For days, weeks, years – I walked in Michael’s shoes, I lived his life, I committed every act.

I felt his pain. His fear. This hellish world that he lived in, created to kill and die and lose and fear, over and over. To meet his God and to finally, finally ask – why?

And what could I say? Because I wanted to know?

Well. Now I do.

[the-apocryphal-one]

for the book discussion ask game: ALL OF THEM. Okay, kiddiung aside, I'm most interested in 2, 4, 7, 9 and 30. (and depending on how many others start sending in asks, I may send a follow up)

2. A book that was difficult to get into, but turned out good

Quo Vadis. It has very interesting plotlines of ancient Roman politics, persecution, martyrdom, sacrifice, redemption, romance...and they're wrapped up in archaic diction. All "thous" and "thees" and "dosts". The plot kicks off pretty much from the first chapter, which helps get you engaged in the story...but man does deciphering that language slow you down.

4. A popular book you dislike

*laughs maniacally* you FOOL, you don't know what you've done! I don't know how popular this is in secular circles, but every time I'm like "I want to read Catholic fiction" I always see this rec'd. And I disliked it. And I've been wanting to rant about it, so now you get my hot take on Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisted spilled all over your dash.

Two major things contributed to my dislike of this book: one, Waugh's style. Look, I can appreciate beautifully-worded sentences painting the setting. But the longer it goes on, the more my attention drifts, and Waugh really liked to go on.

Second, I couldn't stand the protagonist. Whatever your real life religious beliefs may be, we can all agree that enabling an alcoholic, cheating on your wife, and neglecting your kids are wrong, right? And I know that's the point, that he's supposed to be a douche who reforms, but the "reforms" part is completely skipped over! We go from "I knew none of us would be the same" to "ok timeskip he's good now!" Like no, I did not sit with this jerk for 95% of the book for this.

Actually, no, there were three things. Third, Sebastian and Julia were so much more interesting than Charles. I only got to see their personal struggles, their torments, from Charles' POV, but even those external glimpses were fascinating and well-done. I would have loved to spend the whole book in theirs heads' instead.

7. A book that left you feeling overwhelmed with happiness.

A Civil Contract by Georgette Heyer is literally everything I want in "marriage of convenience to lovers" stories--it even includes improved relationships with the in-laws, not just the spouse!

9. A book that you found yourself thinking about a long time after you finished it.

...ok how long is "a long time"? Bc there are books I randomly remember years later and go "oh yeah that was good!", books that nudge my mind for weeks or months, and books that quietly, comfortably stay with me like old friends.

...I'm gonna go with The Icemark Chronicles by Stuart Hill. I haven't read it in a long time (even though I have all the books), but there are a lot of scenes that carved themselves into my heart when I first picked it up in middle school.

30. A fictional book that taught you about/increased your interest in a real-life subject.

Land of Silence and Bread of Angels by Tessa Afshar had a lot of time devoted to the process of making dyes and dyeing cloth in Roman times.

[path-of-my-childhood]

Collect Call From... TAYLOR SWIFT

Blender Magazine (final, unpublished issue from May 2009) // By Josh Eells

Each month, one lucky rock star phones Blender HQ for seven days straight, just to, you know, share. Now on the line: country-pop princess.

DAY 1: FEBRUARY 24th, 3:51 pm

Swift calls from Nashville, where she lives with her parents and younger brother. “I’m so happy to be home! I’ve been in Europe for two weeks. I got back two nights ago and spent half of yesterday sleeping. This is my only week off for months, but I categorize vacations differently than most people. I don’t care if I’m doing interviews from when I wake up till I go to sleep, as long as l’m in my own bed, that’s a day off.  This morning I went to some of the radio stations in town, said hi to program directors. Then I met with my stylist - we talked about tour outfits. And now I’m getting dressed for my brother Austin’s lacrosse game. He plays goalie - this is his first game as starter. His friends used to tease him about me, but now he's six two and built. I don’t think they make jokes anymore.”

DAY 2: FEBRUARY 25th, 4:14 pm

Swift phones from home, where she’s “lounging on the couch under a quilt” and playing with her dogs, Baby (a Doberman) and Bug (a mini Pinscher). “Austin did great! His team won, and he kept a bunch of balls out of the goal. Afterwards I went with my friend Emily to a Nashville Predators game. I did a commercial for them, so they hook me up with tickets when I’m in town. There’s a couple of cute guys, but I think they’re all married. I totally cheer and do the fang-finger thing. Last night they put me on the JumboTron, and you could literally see the wave of people getting up to come over. I’m still getting used to the fact that being stared at is part of my day - in high school it meant I had something on my face. The fact that my albums has been No. 1 for 10 weeks - it’s unbelievable. But this week looks a little questionable: The Jonas Brothers have an album out, too. Hmm.”

DAY 3: FEBRUARY 26th, 5:30 pm

Swift dials in from the road In Nashville, where she’s stuck In rush-hour traffic. "I just shot a video with my friend Kellie [Pickier] for a song we wrote together. It’s about ex-boyfriends. In the video I am kind of her trouble-making sidekick - I wore this strapless studded dress with a zipper up the front. The whole day I was afraid someone was gonna walk by and unzip me. It would have taken half a second to ruin my day. Oh, my God, last night I fell asleep on the couch watching CSI: NY. I was out at like 7, but at some point I dragged myself to bed, and apparently in my haze I turned the heat up to 95! I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, with my poor cat lying on the floor panting. I made myself an ice bath and called my friend Emma in LA - she was in Superbad - and she kept me company for two hours while I cooled down.”

DAY 4: FEBRUARY 27th, 4:37 pm

Swift rings from the music room at her house, where she’s teaching herself how to play piano. “I’m still not caught up from my jet lag. Today I woke up at 5:30, ate same cereal and fell back asleep on the couch. I didn’t sleep long though, because we had rehearsal this morning. Kenny Chesney was rehearsing next door, so we chatted for a bit. Nashville is a really small town. I still live with my parents because I’m never home long enough to move out. And I don’t go to bars, because I’m 19 and scared of breaking rules. Besides Kellie and my best friend Abigail, who moved to Kansas, most of my friends are in LA. And boys aren’t even an issue right now. I categorize guys as “talking”, “nominees” - people you feel like you could someday date - and “dating”. Right now I don’t even have nominees. I don’t even have potential future nominees! But I’m used to being single. Before my last relationship [with Joe Jonas] I was single for like two years. It’s sort of my thing.”

DAY 5: FEBRUARY 28th, 12:50 pm

Swift checks in from her mom’s car with some medical news. “So, I’m driving to the doctors office. I burned my face with a curling iron! Don’t worry, I’m fine - I’ll call you after we’re done. [She phones a few hours later.] OK. What happened was, I woke up at 6 am and decided to curl my hair. I guess l was still asleep, because I slipped and burned my face under my right eye. It hurt really bad, but I didn’t think much of it. I edited and uploaded a MySpace video - unhindered by the fact that my face was melting off - and went downstairs, and my dad was like, ‘Oh, my God!’ I guess it was worse than I realized. So we went to the dermatologist. She gave me a prescription for some burn cream - I’m not sure what it is, but it has a lot of syllables. The good news is I’m expected to make a full recovery.”

DAY 6: MARCH 1st, 10:03 pm

Swift phones from Plant City, Florida, where she lust performed at the world famous Florida Strawberry Festival. “This place is strawberry city! When we landed, there were official Strawberry Festival minivans waiting to pick us up, driven by people in strawberry shirts. In the dressing room there were bushels of the most beautiful, gigantic chocolate covered strawberries I’ve ever seen. It’s like they welded three together! And this afternoon I met the Strawberry Festival Queen and her court. They were dressed in red and looked very sparkly. It was cold for Florida, like 55 and rainy, but everybody bundled up and had a great time. Afterward we had a police escort, which always makes you feel cool, and we’re taking a private jet, which is even cooler. On the way to the airport all these kids were trying to hurl themselves on our car - it was pretty frantic for a second. But thankfully no one got hurt. That’s why it was cool.”

DAY 7: MARCH 2nd, 12:50 pm

On her last day at home, Swift calls from her favorite couch, where she’s enjoying the view of Old Hickory Lake. “It’s freezing in Tennessee! It’s like 29 degrees, and I’m sitting here packing sundresses and flip-flops for two weeks in Australia. That and downloading movies for the 20,000-hour flight I’m about to embark on. I have three goals for this trip. One, get a tan. Two, go to the beach. And three, debut my new summer wardrobe. Oh, and four, play some good shows and make an impact on Australia! Ha. I don’t go into most situations thinking I’m going to win. I’ve never even won a raffle. These blessings I’ve had lately are more amazing than I could have ever imagined. We got the new projections today, and It’s looking like we’re going to be No.1 again. Does it feel a little sweeter this week? [Laughs] Yeah - just a little.”

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Seven

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

(Dialogue heavy part. Also, I plan to make a masterpost with a link in my description so all the parts are easy to find in one place, and I can keep adding to it.)

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six

Harry spent most of the day with you Sunday, and went back to his place a little before dinner time. You woke up early Monday so you could get your workout in at home, and showered. Feeling fresh, you were thankful you had plenty of slacks to wear for the week. You hated wearing skirts or dresses on your period. You couldn’t wait to see Niall to ask him about Sarah.

You stop at the coffee shop and grab yours and Niall’s coffees. You get up to your office, and go right to his. He’s just settling in, and smiles at you.

“Hey there, lady killer.” You said handing him his coffee.

“Shh.” He looks around and closes his door. “Did she tell you anything?”

“She said she had a great time with you. Have you texted or called?”

“We’ve texted. I could kill you for not setting me up sooner.”

“I could say the same thing to you about Harry.”

“Fine, we’re even.”

“Besides, she was in between guys, I didn’t even know she was available. She raved about you, so I hope you guys see where it goes.”

“I’m hoping to see her Tuesday after work for a movie.”

“Oh, nice.” You smile at your friend. “You know if it goes well, the four of us could go on double dates, how much fun would that be?”

“Not so much.” Your face falls.

“Why not? I feel like we never hang out anymore.”

“Well, you’ve been busy, which is perfectly fine. And, I don’t really like double dates with Harry. I feel like I have to compete with him or something.” He shrugs, sipping his coffee.

“Compete with what?”

“I don’t know, everyone finds him so charming.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter now. Sarah may decide the only thing she likes about you is your tongue.” You tease. Niall nearly chokes on his hot drink.

“She, she told you?”

“Only a couple of details.” You lie, you didn’t want to embarrass him. “It was all good things though, she was very impressed.”

“I honestly have to thank Harry for help in that department.”

“So I’ve learned.” You say blushing.

“Hold on a second.” He sits down next to you in the chairs across from desk. “Did you two get a little frisky this weekend?”

“Maybe a little.” You play with the top of your coffee lid.

“How do you feel?”

“Safe.” You lock eyes with him. “I only let him do…that. I didn’t let him use his hands or anything.”

“What made you want to do it?”

“Honestly, I was curious.” You shrug. “And I was just feeling really close to him. He, um, asked me to be his girlfriend.” Niall jumps up with a huge smile on his face.

“That just made my whole morning!”

“You don’t think it’s too soon to be official?”

“Not at all, in fact, Harry hasn’t had an actual girlfriend in like two years. He really does like you, (y/n).” You can’t help but giggle at his praise. “You haven’t changed your relationship status.” He says checking Facebook.

“I honestly hadn’t thought of it since he doesn’t have a Facebook.” You say getting up. “I’ll ask him if he minds if I change it.”

“Why would he mind?”

“I don’t know, then it’ll like really be official. Everyone will know I’m seeing someone. I don’t know if I’m ready for my parents and siblings to be up my ass.”

“Fair point. Okay, I’ll tell you what, things go well with Sarah, and all four of us can hang out some time.”

“I would love that.”

You go to your office, and get some work done. Lunch rolls around quick. Before you can go meet Niall you see a name on your phone. It’s Kate.

“Hello?”

“Hey, (y/n).”

“Um, what’s up?”

“Nothing, just saw the pictures Rachel posted of the three of you. Thanks for the invite.”

“You wouldn’t have come anyways.”

“So, it’s still nice to be included.”

“Well, I wasn’t the one who made the plans, so take it up with them.”

“You’re my best friend, you should’ve texted me.”

“Kate, I’m at work.”

“You’re on your lunch break.” There’s an awkward pause. “Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing someone new?”

“Because it’s still really new.”

“Still, I hate hearing things from other people about you.”

“Who told you?”

“Rachel. She said some guy showed up to the club, and his friend took Sarah home or something. Apparently he’s super-hot.”

“You’ve met Niall before. Remember? He came with me to your wedding?”

“No, I mean the guy you brought.”

“His name is Harry.”

“Harry what?”

“Don’t bother looking him up, he doesn’t have a Facebook, and his Instagram doesn’t have any pictures of him.”

“Great, so you’re seeing a serial killer.”

“You could be happy for me. He’s really into me.”

“I just think you need to be more cautious.”

“I am. We haven’t done anything…serious.”

“Define serious.”

“I don’t owe you any explanations.” Usually, you and your friends were very open about sex, but lately it was hard to talk to Kate about these things.

“(y/n), you were practically ra-“ You cut her off before she could finish the word.

“Stop it! Harry is nothing like Jake!” Niall walks into your office horrified. You wave him in, and put your finger up to signal you’re almost done. “Kate, I’m not doing this with you right now.”

“Fine. Look, Kevin and I are spending the weekend in the city, and we were wondering if you’d wanna hang out. Maybe the four of us can do a double date.”

“You know, it would be nice if just us girls could get together. You never come here alone.”

“You know how Kev is.”

“Possessive, controlling.”

“Enough. Do you want to see each other or not?”

“Of course I do. I’ll see what Harry’s up to. When did you want to get together?”

“Friday night? Dinner at our spot?”

“Alright, I’ll text you later, I need to go eat.” You hang up in a huff and nearly throw your phone across the room, but you stop yourself. You look at Niall.

“Was that Kate?”

“Yeah! God, she is so fucking infuriating. She has no problem making me feel bad about my past, but the second I call her out on something.” You try to steady tour breathing. “And now I have to see her this weekend.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I miss her, Niall. She used to be so much fun.”

“Well, if you bring Harry, just be prepared, he’s not going to let someone speak to you like that.”

“Great, dinner and a show.”

You show up to Harry’s after the gym. You drive there sort of on autopilot. You let him know you’re outside, and he buzzes you in. You have an open sweatshirt on over a sports bra. Your hair is up in a messy bun, and you’re wearing cropped leggings. You only went to lift weights since you got your cardio in this morning.

“This is a nice surprise.” He says kissing you on the cheek. He makes you stand in front of him to get a good look at you. “Sexy outfit.” Your cheeks flush. “Want something to eat? I was just making dinner.”

“I don’t want to impose, love.”

“S’not an imposition.” He smiles. “ I always make extra.” You walk over to the stove to see what he’s making. “Nothing special, just roasted chickpeas to top my salad.”

“It smells delicious. I’ll have a little.”

“Good, go sit.” He makes a plate for you, and sits down at the table with you. “So, what do I owe this honor on a school night?” You giggle.

“Well, I got a call from my friend Kate today.”

“The one you miss who’s married?”

“Correct.” He nods. “Her and Kevin, her husband, are coming into town this weekend, and she wanted to know if we’d have dinner with them.”

“We huh?”

“Mhm.”

“I didn’t even have a chance to tell her about you. Rachel told her I was seeing someone.”

“What night?”

“Friday.” He takes out his phone and checks his calendar. “Um, yeah that works. I have to work late that night, so if they’re okay with an eight o’clock dinner…”

“That would work well I think. I’m sure they’ll hit traffic. The place we’re going is kind of swanky, so you may want to bring a change of dress clothes with you to work.”

“Alright.”

“Is this okay with you? If you don’t feel comfortable-“ He puts a hand over yours.

“I would love nothing more than to meet more of your friends. Plus, she seems important to you.” He shrugs.

“I have another question?”

“Shoot.”

“So, we’re together.”

“Correct.”

“And typically, when two people make things official, it’s customary for them to change their status online, to let others know they are no longer available.”

“Are you asking me if it’s okay to change your Facebook status?” You smile nervously and he starts laughing. “Go ahead, baby. I mean, s’not like you can tag me in it, so it’ll just say you’re in a relationship.”

“I know, it seems silly. But now that Kate knows, and Sarah and Rachel…I mean, god I haven’t even told my mom.” He furrows his eyebrows at you.

“So wait to change then.” He takes his phone out. He goes into Instagram, and you get a ping on your phone. “style2294 has requested to follow you?” You smile at him.

“That’s my private Instagram. Told ya it wasn’t really under my name.”

“Very cryptic that you left it as style and not styles. Is that your birthday?” You ask, accepting the request, and follow him back. He accepts.

“Yup.”

“That’s around my half birthday.”

“Wait, don’t tell me.” He thinks for a moment. “August?”

“Bingo.”

“What’s the date?”

“The fourth, ’95.”

“So you like just turned twenty-four only a couple months ago. You young thing.” He teases.

“Oh stop, you’re literally a year and half older than me.” You go to scroll through his pictures, but he stops you.

“Wait to do that until we’re not together, please, some of those pictures are old, and embarrassing.”

“Alright.” You stop to think about your own photos. “I have some embarrassing ones too.”

“I’ll bet.”

“So, Friday, you’re sure?”

“Positive.” He takes both of your empty plates and places them in the sink. “Now then, come here so I can kiss ya.”

You go over to him, and he holds you in his arms, and kisses your cheecks, nose, forehead, and jawline. His hands move down to your bum, and you jump back with a squeak.

“Still got my period.” He gives you a funny look.

“So that means I can’t squeeze that glorious-“ You put your hand over his mouth.

“Please, I’m begging, don’t finish that sentence.” You say looking up at him with big eyes. He smirks at you. “What?”

“Lil horny are we?”

“Harry!”

“You are, aren’t you?”

“It’s not funny!”

“I’m not laughing!”

“Your smile says it all.” You cross your arms over your tender breasts. “It’s the hormones.”

“Sure it is. How were your cramps today?”

“Much better. What you saw yesterday was an anomaly.” You look down at your watch. “I should probably head home now.”

“I’m going to be really busy this week. With the weather still nice, and the leaves just turning, I’ve racked up some freelance stuff. I don’t want you to think I’m ignorin’ ya or anything.” You give me a hug and rest your head on his chest.

“Thank you for letting me know.” You kiss him on the cheek. As you’re about to break the hug he pulls you in, and kisses you on the mouth.

“Didn’t think I’d let ya leave with just a peck on the cheek?”

“What was I thinking?” You kiss him again. “Thanks for dinner.” You say on your way out.

Your period ends Thursday, thank god. Kate texts you saying that eight is perfectly fine for dinner Friday. You and Niall find yourself chatting before you leave for work Friday.

“You never told me how the movie with Sarah went.”

“We never made it to the movie.” He winks at you.

“You dirty dog.” You tease.

“So, tonight is your big double date?”

“Yup, I gotta go home and change.”

“Where are you guys going again? That Italian place?”

“Yeah, it’s really nice. Kate and I used to save up our money once a month to go there when we were in college.”

“Well, I hope it all goes smoothly. I know Harry will be there, but if you need anything, I’m there for you.”

“Thank you, I appreciate that. I’m seeing Sarah and Rachel with Kate and Kevin tomorrow.”

“Yeah, Sarah told me. I’m seeing her tonight.”

“Dirty, dirty dog.”

You go home, and freshen up. You pull out a red dress. It has a high neckline, but hugs tight around your thighs, accentuating your bum. You know Harry will love it, and Kate won’t be able to say anything because your chest is covered. The back is open, so you opt to not wear a bra. Instead you just tape yourself up. The material is thick enough that you can’t see your piercings through it. You curl your hair and brush it out to create your waves. You put on some red strappy heels, and uber to the restaurant. You want to be able to leave with Harry in his car later.

Kate and Kevin are standing in the lobby of the restaurant, it’s ten of eight. You two smile at each other and take each other in for a big hug. You give Kevin a much smaller embrace.

“You look amazing!” Kate beams at you. “That gym membership is doing wonders for you.”

“The best part is my company pays for it. I think laying off the meat has helped too. I mostly am forced to eat fruit and veggies.” You hear Kevin scoff.

“I still can’t believe you’re a vegetarian. It’s like you crossed over to the darkside.” You flip him off, and he rolls his eyes.

“Harry’s a vegan, and I don’t want you making fun of him.”

“What the hell is he supposed to eat here then?”

“He’ll get some gluten free pasta and a salad or something.” You shrug.

“Where is he anyways?” Kate asks.

“It’s only eight now. He said he might run late, he had a really busy work week.”

“What does he do?” Kevin asks.

“He’s a photographer, a highly sought after one at that.” The two look at each other. “He works for a magazine, and does some freelancing on the side.” You take your phone out to show them his professional Instagram.

“Wow, these are actually really good.” Kate says.

“Don’t sound so surprised. Niall wouldn’t have set me up with some idiot.”

“Oh, you two met on a blind date?” Kevin asks. “Kate didn’t tell me the story.”

“That’s because she didn’t tell me the story.”

“Well, you can both hear it soon, when he gets here.”

“I hope it is soon, I don’t want them to give our table up.” Kate says harshly.

You feel a gust of wind, and turn around. Suddenly everything feels like slow motion. Harry walks in with damp hair, accentuating his natural curls. He’s wearing a light blue suit and a white dress shirt. He has brown dress shoes on. He looks heavenly.

“That’s him.” You say to Kate before walking over to greet him. He takes you in his arms, and kisses the top of your head.

“So sorry I’m wait, love, I had to have a shower. I was rolling in dirt all day.” He looks over at Kate and Kevin whose mouths are hanging open. “Hi, I’m Harry.” He sticks his hand out and they each take a turn shaking it. They both furrow their brows at his nails. He must have gotten them done this week because they were now a pastel pink and blue. His forefinger and middle finger were both pink on one hand and the rest blue. The opposite hand had the same, but opposite. He notices them notice. “Right, shall we?”

You all go to the hostess, and she seats you. Harry pulls your chair out for you, and helps you in. He takes his suit jacket off, and puts it over the chair. Kevin and Kate just sit down. You put your hand on Harry’s leg and give him a gentle squeeze.

“It’s great to meet you, Harry.” Kate finally says.

“Likewise.” A waiter comes over before anything else can be said.

“Hi folks, I’m Matt, and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I start you all off with a drink?”

“Vodka tonic for me please.” You say.

“Lime?”

“Yes, please.”

“I’ll have a glass of pinot noir.” Kate says. You frown for a second. She’s drinking, which means she’s still not pregnant.

“I’ll have a corona.” Kevin says.

“I’ll, um, have a gin and tonic.” Harry says.

“Perfect, be back with those in a few.”

Harry squints at the menu trying to see what he can actually eat. Another server brings over some bread and butter, and fills the water glasses. Harry leans into you.

“You look lovely, by the way.” You giggle.

“Thank you.”

“What are you going to eat?”

“Not sure yet. Maybe some ravioli?”

“So, Harry, (y/n), tells us you’re a vegan?” Kevin asks.

“Um, yeah.”

“If we had known we could have gone somewhere else.” Kate says, trying to make you look bad.

“It’s really no problem. There’s actually a lot I can have. They have zucchini noodles it seems. I’ll probably have that.”

“Don’t you feel hungry all the time without the protein?” Kevin asks.

“Not really, I eat a lot of nuts and beans.”

The waiter comes over with the drinks. He notices Harry’s nails.

“Oh, sir, I don’t mean to sound weird, but I love your nails.”

“Oh, thanks mate.” Harry smiles up at the young boy.

“So, um, did we have a chance to look over the menu?” Everyone nods. “Great, miss?” He nods to you.

“Can I please have the cheese ravioli, and can I have a side of whatever today’s vegetable is?”

“Of course. Sir?”

“I’ll have these zoodles with the roasted vegetables on top. No sauce, please.”

Kevin orders steak tips of course, which nearly makes you gag. Kate orders the raviolis as well. The two of them dig into the bread, and you also have a piece.

“Since the waiter brought it up, can I ask why you paint your nails?” Kevin asks. You want to kick him under the table, but glare at him instead.

“Just something I do for fun.” Harry shrugs. “I’m sure as an oral surgeon, you’re probably not allowed to have yours painted.”

“Even if I could, I wouldn’t. It’s a little girly.”

“Kevin.” You say, warning.

“S’alright.” Harry says. “I know it looks a little weird. But, I don’t necessarily think it’s girly. I like having clean nails. Why should women be the only people allowed to have a manicure?” He sips his drink.

“You can get a manicure without getting your nails painted.” Kate interjects.

“What’s the fun in that?” Kate looks down at his hands.

“The rings are nice.” She says.

“Thanks.”

“Is that an anchor on your wrist?” Kevin asks.

“Yup.” Harry rolls his sleeve a bit so they can better see it. “Can’t remember when exactly I got it, but it was a while ago.” Kate sees the cross on his hand.

“(y/n) is Jewish, you know?” Harry raises an eyebrow at her, then looks at you. “We all are, that’s how we became friends at school.”

“I didn’t know that.” He says looking at you, and smiles. “Guess the mezuzah in your front hall makes more sense now.”

“You didn’t tell him?”

“It didn’t come up, Kate.”

“Alright, so, how exactly did you two meet?” Kevin interjects.

“We have a mutual friend that set us up.” Harry rests a hand on your thigh.

“Niall, right?” Kate asks. “He came to our wedding with (y/n).”

“Yup, Niall. He and I were mates in school, and he works with (y/n), obviously.”

“What did you do for a first date?” Kevin asks.

“We went to dinner at that tapas place.” You say, smiling at the memory. “And then after that we just kept seeing each other.” You lean close to him.

The food runner brings all of your plates over. You stare at the steak tips. They smell heavenly, but as soon as you see the juices drip down Kevin’s knife, you find yourself standing up.

“You alright?” Harry asks, slightly standing.

“Yeah, just, um, excuse me, I need to use the ladies room.”

“I’ll go with you.” Kate says standing up.

You two rush to the bathroom, and you splash a little cold water on your face.

“What’s wrong?” She rubs your now clammy back.

“Nothing, I thought I was going to puke. He had to order steak tips?”

“I thought you weren’t an ethical vegetarian.”

“I’m not, Kate, but jesus, I can’t help being absolutely disgusted.”

“Is this because Jake ate steak on your first date? Is it triggering?”

“No! You mentioning his fucking name is triggering.” You turn to face her. “You both could also stop grilling Harry so much. He’s really sweet and you both are judging him. Nail polish on men is becoming more and more popular, it’s really not that fucking weird.” She sighs.

“You’re right, we’ve been rude. I’ll settle down a little. Just please come back and try not to look at his food.”

While you both are in the bathroom, Harry and Kevin wait to eat.

“I hope she’s alright.” Harry keeps his eyes locked on the direction you ran in.

“She’s fine. So, how long have you two been seeing each other?”

“It’s been a month this weekend, actually.”

“I think that’s the longest she’s ever seen someone.” He laughs. “She was pretty wild in college.”

“Who wasn’t?” Harry shrugs off the statement, taking a sip of his drink. He sighs in relief when he sees you walking back to the table, and stands up. Kevin stays seated. “Alright?” He says sitting back down as you do.

“Yeah, just needed to powder my nose.” You keep your eyes locked on your food. Everyone digs in to their own.

“(y/n), I was thinking we could all go back to your place tonight after dinner.” Kate says. “That way we can keep getting to know each other.” She says with a smile.

“Um, sure, we could do that.” You look up at Harry who is giving Kate a funny look. “Does that work for you?”

“Sure does.” He smiles at you.

The waiter comes over and asks if anyone wants dessert, you all say no, and he leaves the check. Harry and Kevin reach for it at the same time.

“Your money’s no good here.” Kevin says. “We asked you both here.” You guess all men have this rule.

“I insist, at least let me split it with you.”

“Sure, we can split it.” They each put their credit cards in, and the wait come by and grabs it. He brings it back in no time, they both sign the slips. Harry leaves some extra cash on the table.

“Where’d you park, love?” He asks putting his jacket on.

“Oh, I didn’t drive here, I took an uber. I figured I’d just leave with you.” You shrug. He smiles and kisses you on the cheek. “Right, so we’ll just meet you guys at her place?”

“Sounds good, see you soon.” Kate says.

You and Harry don’t say much on the car ride to your place. Once you’re inside, you quickly tidy up. He sighs.

“What?” You ask, as you run around.

“Kinda rude to invite herself here, don’t you think?”

“That’s Kate.” You pull up a playlist on your Spotify, and connect it to your Bluetooth. “It’s a late 2000s playlist, should help lighten the mood.” You say, taking your heels off. “They won’t stay long anyways.”

“Kevin is, interesting.”

“He used to be more fun too.”

“He mentioned you used to be wild.” Harry puts his hands on your waist. His touch burns into you. “This is a really nice dress.”

“Thank you, and he’s just talking smack. I did used to party probably a little too much. But who doesn’t when they’re in college?”

“That’s what I said.” The buzzer goes off, and you buzz them in.

“Harry, could you open that bottle of wine for me please?” You ask pointing to the one in the kitchen, as you go to open the door.

“I love what you’ve done with the place.” Kate beams at you. “You really should be an interior decorator.”

“Oh stop, you know my Nannie picked everything out.”

“Nannie?” Harry asks.

“My grandmother, I call her Nannie.” You say giving him a peck on the cheek. “You guys want some wine?” You take out four glasses.

“Yes, please.” Kate says. You pour the wine into the glasses.

Kate and Kevin sit on the couch. Harry sits in the large chair adjacent to the couch, and you sit on the arm rest of the chair. He takes his arm, and moves you to sit on his lap. You giggle, and make yourself comfortable.

“So, how did you all meet?” Harry asks.

“Oh god, well (y/n) and I met at an activities fair. We both were looking for a film club.” Kate says. “I think you and Rachel were roommates freshman year right?”

“Yup. Then we met Sarah at that Jewish students meeting, that school had a club for everything. You and I roomed together sophomore year.”

“Awe that was such a good year. Then the four of us lived together our last two years. We met Kev our junior year.”

“And when did you two start dating?”

“Mid-way through our senior year.” She squeezes his hand. Kevin smiles at Kate.

“Yup, and then I stole her away.”

“That’s an understatement.” You say, sipping your wine.

“Excuse me?” Kevin says.

“Nothing, we just barely saw Kate after. You two stopped hanging out with us.” You shrug.

“We were busy.” Kevin says with a smirk.

“Kev, please, don’t flatter yourself.” Kate says, teasing. “You know we had a lot of classes together second semester, we were studying together a lot.”

“You practically moved out of our apartment.” Harry taps his hand on your thigh to the beat of the song playing, and you lean back further into him.

“I’m surprised you didn’t notice, with how little you slept there.” You shoot daggers at her. “And at least I was staying with the same person every night, not just throwing it around for anyone who would take it.” She takes a large sip of her wine.

“That’s because you got all of that out of your system your freshman year, remember?”

“I do remember, I remember you saying how jealous you were of me.”

“Little did I know there wasn’t much to be jealous of. You’re still bitter that Eric stopped seeing you because he wanted to see me.” You take an even bigger sip of your wine.

“Really? You’re bringing up Eric?”

“You started it.”

“Well, at least I never got an STD!” You stand up and so does Kate. The guys just look at the two of you.

“Kate! For the last time, I did not get scabies from sleeping with someone!”

“Oh no? Then you how else do you get scabies?”

“I don’t know, but I didn’t sleep with any dirty guys.”

“Are you sure? Sophomore year you fucked anything with a dick! And you wanna know why we stopped hanging out with the three of you that last year? I told Kev how you felt about him, and he didn’t want to be around you anymore.”

“How I felt about him?” You point at Kevin. “I didn’t have feelings for Kevin, fuck Kevin.”

“Yes you did, you told Sarah that you wanted to fuck him, and you knew I liked him!”

“Well good fucking thing you married him, Kate! And I never told Sarah that, I never wanted to fuck your fucking boyfriend.”

“Then why would she have told me you did?”

“She was probably talking about Kevin from the track team. Did she tell you when she was drunk? She probably got confused. And just like always, instead of you just talking to me about an issue, you let it blow up for no fucking reason.”

“What do you mean like always?”

“You always make mountains out of mole hills, and you always think you know better than everyone else. Guess what, just because you’re married doesn’t make you any better than me.”

“There it is, you’re jealous that I’m living the life that you want.”

“What is there to be jealous of? You never have any fun, Kevin never fucking lets you go out!”

“Stop it.”

“You’re afraid of him, right? You’re afraid he’ll leave you? Personally, I think you could’ve done a lot better than him, but you needed the security right? You’re lonely, and you get mad at us for actually having lives. I didn’t tell you to run off with him, and buy a big fucking house. No one had a gun to your head, you made your choices.”

“Would you shut up!? You’re making me sound like I’m this idiot that can’t make a life for myself. Kevin and I love each other, and you’re just jealous of that because you can’t stand to see a married couple happy.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Ever since your parents separated you haven’t been able to stand the thought of marriage! I think you’re mad at yourself, you’re a slut, just like your mom!” You’re about to raise your hand to Kate, but Harry grabs your wrist.

“Alright”, he turns the music off. “I think that’s about enough of that.”

“Who are you?” She says to him.

“Kate, he’s right, you went too far.” Kevin says standing up.

“I won’t sit here and listen to you talk to my girlfriend like that.”

“Girlfriend? You two just started seeing each other!” She looks at you. “You said you were going to take it slow this time.”

“I did, we are!”

“Then how is he already your boyfriend, Jesus Christ, you are so fucking stupid! You trust people way too easily.” She shakes her head at you. Your blood is boiling, and you go to lunge at her, but Harry wraps his arms around you and holds you back. “Go ahead, let her hit me, it’s what she wants.”

“I think it’s time for you both to leave.” Harry says, still holding onto your shaking body. You steady your breathing, and tap his hands.

“You know something Kate, I know what you’re really mad about.” You smirk.

“What’s that?”

“You’re not actually angry with me, you’re angry at the fact that you married a guy that hasn’t been able to make you orgasm since you met.”

“Woah, what?” Kevin interjects. Kate’s mouth falls open.

“Speechless? That’s a first.”

You don’t register what’s happening until you feel Kate’s hand connect with your cheek. Harry steps in front of you.

“You need to get the fuck out now.” He says to her with dark eyes. You’re holding you’re stinging cheek.

“Have fun with your fru fru boyfriend, and his photos and his painted nails. Let’s see how long this one lasts.”

You don’t say anything, Harry follows them out. He comes back to you, tears streaming down your cheeks. You can barely breathe, your mascara starts to sting your eyes, and you can feel your cheek swelling. Harry crosses the room, he goes to touch you, but you flinch away from him.

“I’m so sorry all that happened. I should have interjected sooner, but it just seemed like you two needed to get something out.”

“It’s not your fault.” You say with a crack in your voice. “She’s just a bitch, and I should have stopped talking to her a long fucking time ago.” You press your fingers slowly to your cheek. “Fuck.”

“Let me get you some ice, go sit on the couch.” You do as he says. He pulls some ice out of your freezer and puts it in a baggy, then wraps it in a towel. He sits next you, and lightly dabs your face.

“Thanks.” You sniffle.

“She’s not worth your tears, love.” He takes his thumb and wipes just under your good eye. You lean into his touch.

“Baby?”

“Mm?”

“Will you please take me to bed?” He smiles and nods.

He scoops you up in his arms, and carries you to your room. He gently sets you down on the bed. He goes over to your bureau, and pulls out a t-shirt and shorts for you.

“I’m just gonna go down to my car. I, uh, packed an overnight bag just in case.” You nod.

You go into the bathroom, and wash your face, your cheek is still sore, but it shouldn’t leave a mark. You didn’t want anyone thinking Harry hit you. You change, and grab your phone. You sit down at your desk, and you call Rachel, knowing Sarah is with Niall.

“Hey girl.” She says to you.

“Kate fucking slapped me.”

“What?!”

“That bitch fucking slapped me!” Harry walks into your room, and starts to change in front of you. You can’t help but watch while you talk to your friend.

“Why? What happened?”

“She started a fight with me…I know I added fuel the fire, but she called myself and my mom a whore, so I blurted out that Kevin can’t fuck her right, and she slapped me.”

“Jesus, and she did this in front of Harry?”

“Of course she did!”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, it just stings a little, she slapped me with one of her rings on.”

“Well, you know how she likes it rough.” You and Rachel burst out laughing.

“Oh yeah, she a freak.” You stifle your laughter, as Harry gives you a very confused look. He looks heavenly in his grey sweat pants.

“So, I’m assuming we’re not all hanging out tomorrow?”

“I’m not seeing her again.”

“Alright, maybe Sarah and I could come by to see you then. You know Kate is going to twist this whole thing around. I’m glad you called to tell me first.”

“Me too. It’s sad how much she’s changed.”

“I think if she just left Kevin she would be so much happier. They’re not a good match.”

“We tried to tell her, Rach.”

“But mother knows best.” Rachel groans. “Is Harry still with you?”

“Mhm.”

“Alright, then go be with your man. I’ll text you tomorrow to see when we should come by. Probably in the afternoon. Sarah is with your friend again tonight.”

“Oh, I know. And sounds good, talk to you tomorrow.” You hang up the phone, and look at the man sitting at the edge of the bed.

“What was so funny?”

“Nothing, Rachel just reminded me of something that Kate likes.” You shrug.  You stand up and walk over to him until you’re standing between his legs.

“Do you wanna just go to bed? I’m sure you’re exhausted.”

“Yeah, would you cuddle me?”

“Do you even need to ask?”

You both get cozy under the covers, and he spoons you nice and close to him. You wiggle your bum against him a couple of time, and he adjusts himself.

“If you keep moving against me like that, we’re going to have a problem.” He says into your ear. He starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, I just can’t believe she slapped you.” You start laughing with him.

“She’s an idiot.” He hugs you closer to him, and nestles in your hair. You both slowly drift off into sleep.

Early that morning, you hear your name being called by a familiar voice. Harry jolts awake and you look at each other.

“How many friends of yours have a key to this apartment?” He asks getting up.

“Too many.” You hide under the covers. “Make her go away.” He gets up, and leaves the room.

Kate looks much different from last night. She’s in sweats, her hair in a messy bun, and no makeup. She looks up at Harry. Her eyes are swollen and red, probably from crying. He crosses his arms when he looks back at her.

“I really don’t think she wants to see you.”

“I just need to talk with her privately. I need to apologize, I can’t lose her.”

“Seems like you lost her a long time ago.” She sighs and stands up. She starts to walk to toward your room, but he stands in her way.

“Move.”

“No.”

“You don’t get to decide who she speaks to.”

“You’re right, but she did ask me to make you leave. And you should probably leave that key on the counter on your way out.” Kate brushes past Harry, and she bursts into your room. She closes the door quickly behind him and she locks it.

“Harry!”

“She locked the door!” He yells. You get out of bed, and stand with your arms crossed.

“I have some explaining to do. I acted like a psycho last night.” You roll your eyes at her. “I suppose I was just taking all of my frustrations out on you.”

“Like you always do. I can’t be your punching bag.”

“I know that. I’m so sorry. Kevin and I stopped trying to get pregnant, and I haven’t wanted him to touch me. I may have lied about him not being okay with me coming to visit you guys.”

“What do you mean?” You both sit on the bed.

“Well, I made it all up. The truth was, it hurt to hang out. I was jealous of your lives. My parents pressured me into staying with him, and I stupidly listened. I love him, I do, but there’s no passion. Not like there was. We’re, um, going to separate for a while.” She chokes back a few tears. “I don’t expect you to feel bad for me, because honestly I deserve everything bad that has happened to me.”

“You don’t deserve to be unhappy, Kate.”

“Yes, I do. I’ve been having an affair for the last month. I told Kevin last night.”

“Oh my god, with who?”

“One of his colleagues.” She says looking down. “I was always attracted to him, and one night we met up and just fucked, all night. It was incredible. He, um, likes the same things that I do.” Her cheeks grow red.

“Where are you gonna go?”

“Kev’s gonna sublet an apartment closer to the hospital so I can stay in the house. At least until we figure everything out. We’re probably going to get divorced.”

“What did he say when you told him about the affair?”

“Well, he asked why I would do that. And he asked how he could better satisfy me, and I told him what I was into, and he said he just didn’t feel comfortable with it, and I told him I knew that. He knows it was just a sex thing. We’re both still so young, and we don’t want to waste anymore of each other’s time.”

“What will you do?”

“Well, I’m almost done with my master’s degree, and once I have that I’ll start making more money so I’ll be able to move out. He said once I’m a month into my raise we’ll put the house on the market.”

“You figured all of this out last night?”

“Yeah, we were up all night talking. God, my parents are going to be pissed.”

“It’s not their life, Kate.”

“I know. Listen, I am so sorry I said that stuff about your mom, I never should have gone there.”

“I’m not going to say it’s okay, because it’s not.”

“Do you think we’ll be able to move on from this?”

“You assaulted me.”

“I really shouldn’t drink anymore. I’m sorry.”

“I’m going to need some time. I know I said some hurtful things to you too.”

“I told Rachel and Sarah what happened in a group text.”

“I called Rachel last night.”

“I cancelled our plans today. Kev is waiting in the car downstairs, I just wanted the chance to explain.”

“I appreciate you being honest.” You reach out and hug her. “I need some time to cool down from all this.”

“Okay.” She breaks your hug and stands up. “When will we talk next?”

“When I feel ready, I’ll call.” She nods. “Kate, I still care a lot about you, and I want to be there for you. But…”

“I made this mess, it’s time I cleaned it up.” She opens the door. Harry is leaning against the hall closet. “Thanks warden.” She says to him. She looks back at you, and then to him. “Treat her right, she’s special.” Kate leaves the apartment, and leaves the key on the counter like Harry said. Harry sits on the bed next to you.

“Good talk?”

“Sort of. Her and Kevin are going to separate. She’s been having an affair with another doctor for over a month.”

“I heard a little, why exactly did she stray from Kevin?”

“Kate, how do I put this, she likes to be a little rough when she has sex.”

“She likes to be rough, or she likes when someone is rough with her?”

“The second one. We all know about it, and promised not to say anything. At first she said she was just into like being tied up, you know little fantasies, but she’s into some really dark shit. Not to kink shame.” You say in defense. “People like what they like.”

“Define dark shit.”

“God, don’t make me say it.” You say a little embarrassed.

“What is it, a daddy kink?”

“Yeah, but like it’s more than that. She likes when a guy is like really dominant, like scary dominant. Like one time she came back from hooking up with this guy, and she showed us her butt and it was beat red, like it left this giant bruise. I guess he spanked her like ten times in a row or something. And then she told us that he like choked her and would spit in her mouth.” It sends a shiver up your spine. “Gross.”

“And Kevin wasn’t willing to do any of that with her?”

“Not really. He was scared of hurting her, which I completely understand. Ugh, this whole conversation has turned my stomach. Could you imagine spitting your own come into someone’s mouth?”

“Wait what?” He bursts out laughing.

“Some guy came inside of her, went down on her, licked it up, and spit it into her mouth and made her swallow it.”

“And she liked that?”

“Loved it!” You start laughing. “I really shouldn’t laugh, it’s not her fault she’s into that sorta thing. She just discovered it.”

“At first I thought you were just grossed out at like regular spitting, but I can see how that would gross you out. Even I wouldn’t do that.”

“What are you saying exactly?”

“Regular spit isn’t gross, you’re already swapping spit as it is.” He shrugs. You put a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m only going to say this once. Please, do not ever spit into my mouth.” He chuckles.

“You got it.” Your phone starts to buzz, it’s Sarah.

“(y/n), are you okay????”

“Yeah, Sarah, I’m fine.”

“I felt so bad, Rachel told me everything and I didn’t get Kate’s texts until a little while ago. Do you want us to come over?”

“No, I think I’d like to just hang out with Harry today. I’ve had my fill of girl time, but I’ll check in with you guys tomorrow.”

“Alright, sweetie. Talk soon.” You hang up, and fling your back on the bed and groan.

“I just want to turn my brain off!” You look at him, he’s smiling at you. “What?”

“You wanna spend the day with Harry huh?”

“Sorry, do you have other things you need to do?” You say apologetically.

“Nope, I just thought it was sweet.” He climbs on top of you, and you wrap your legs around him. “Let me distract you for a little while.” He says into your neck, and he starts to kiss you slowly.

“I really should take a shower.” He sighs, and gets off of you. You get up, and look at him confused. “Well?”

“Well what?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Aren’t you going to join me?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I wanna be close with you.”

“You realize I’ll be naked, and you haven’t seen me yet.”

“But I’ve felt you. And who says I would even look?” You say playfully. “C’mon, come shower with me.”

He doesn’t hesitate, and gets up, following you into the bathroom.

[kerikaaria]

If I Never Met You: Chapter 26

(??? X Reader) Idol!AU, Manager!Reader

Genre: (PG13) Angst, hurt/comfort, and topped with some fluff

WC: 6.1k

Warnings: Detailed descriptions of a strong panic attack

Series Masterlist

Chapter 25 | Chapter 26 | Chapter 27

A/N - If you are having a difficult time, it can be really easy to want to deal with it on your own. But having a support system is so crucial in helping you feel better and getting through the toughest of times. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone if you need it!

Over the holiday season, Bang practically forced me to go home to see my family. It was nearing a year and a half since the last time I saw them and honestly, I was feeling homesick even if I never mentioned it to anyone. Bang PD told me I was not going to have any work to do starting from December 20th until just after the new year, so unless I wanted to sit at home bored I should take the time to see my family. He even handed me plane tickets he had already bought just to drive the point home.

There was basically no way I could say no at that point, so I did what he suggested and went home. Of course I was in contact with my family frequently since I had moved to South Korea and when I explained how busy my job was they understood why it was hard to get time to be able to go back to visit. But talking over the phone or texts was very different from getting to see them in person.

My family was thrilled to see me, and my sister was surprisingly talkative when she asked me a million questions about the boys and what it was like living and working in South Korea. And of course, I had just as many answers and stories to give her.

I got to see my best friend Ari while I was on vacation, and she was more than happy to hear about my new family. She never really listened to K-pop before but I tried my hardest to get her to become a fan of my boys. She wasn’t entirely convinced, but I knew I’d get her one day. I also tried contacting another friend of mine, Jordan. He had been one of my closest friends since we were five years old. But he didn’t respond to me at all, so I guessed he was busy and I could see him next time.

By the time the last few days of my vacation came around, I felt rather strange. I was happy to be home and it had made my homesickness feel better at first, but the longer I was home the more I realized I was feeling homesick again but for Korea and the boys instead. Probably because that’s where I had been for so long, and I spent almost literally every day with them so it was so weird to be away.

But of course our group chat was more active than ever while I was at home. I got messages every day from at least one or two of them about how much they missed me and about what they were up to. And they sent a lot of pictures. Particularly the ’95 line was sending me lots of candid and goofy pictures that they captured both of themselves and the rest of the members. They definitely kept a smile on my face, especially when the others would respond, complaining about the pictures they shared.

Soon enough, it was time for me to go back to my second home. I was still sad to leave my family again, but I was even more excited to get back to my boys and to being busy – which I had become way too accustomed to.

I arrived back in South Korea on January 2, and Sejin even had time to pick me up from the airport himself. We casually chatted about my vacation while he drove me back home and he walked me up to my apartment.

I opened the door to my home, expecting to just lay down and relax for a little while. But when I turned on the light, I was immediately met with seven boys and a whole feast laid out on my table.

“Welcome home!” they all said before taking turns hugging me and telling me how much they missed me.

I was happily surprised, but the significant jet lag didn’t let me show it and made me just look tired. “Hey guys,” I greeted with a tired smile. “This is a nice surprise.”

“We missed you!” Jungkook said, refusing to let me go after being the last one to give me a hug.

I chuckled and gave him a kiss on top of his head. “I missed you guys too. But I can’t believe you guys prepared this for me. It’s not like anything special happened, I was just visiting my family.”

“But you were gone for two whole weeks!” Tae pouted.

“I was starting to feel withdrawal,” Jin said. “I need my honey to be complete.” He blew me a kiss.

Jimin pretended to catch the kiss midair and throw it away.

“Yah!” Jin yelled as Jimin hurried next to me and gave me a peck on my cheek to tease Jin.

“I got to her first,” he sing-songed before running away and Jin started chasing after him.

Meanwhile, Jungkook was still clinging onto me as if I was his lifeline. I looked over to Sejin, silently asking for assistance. He just smiled and shrugged. “They missed you, what can I say?”

“Did I really miss this?” I questioned myself. “Maybe I should just go back home.”

“No!” Hobi yelled, coming behind me to hold me from behind while Jungkook tightened his grip from the front.

“It’s official,” I said. “I’m a prisoner.”

“Yeah, I warned you a year ago that you’re stuck with them whether you wanted to be or not,” Sejin oppa said, chuckling.

“Come on noona,” Joon said. “You know you love us.”

I hummed, pretending to think about it. “I don’t know, maybe you guys just brainwashed me into thinking I do.”

“I have done no brainwashing,” Yoongi said. “If you love us then you’re just crazy.”

“Well I mean, me being crazy is definitely accurate,” I said.

Even though I was tired from the jet lag, I couldn’t let the hard work they put in for this surprise go to waste so I humored them in eating and chatting for a little while. Until they couldn’t help but notice just how exhausted I was and they reluctantly left my apartment to let me get some rest.

As I saw them out of the house and they took turns saying goodbye, Jimin paused for a moment. “In all seriousness though,” he said, “we are super happy that you’re back. And not just that, but hyung is all healed now and is going to be able to do the showcases with us. I kind of felt like our family was a little broken last month without the two of you. But now everything’s back to normal.” He smiled sweetly.

“Aw, Chim,” I said, returning the smile. “It was never broken. But of course, I’m glad things are going back to normal too.” I gave him a strong hug before saying goodbye one more time and he left to join his brothers across the hallway.

There were just a couple of days after I returned before we would go back to Japan for the boys to have two showcases, one in Tokyo and the other in Osaka. The boys (including Yoongi) were practicing and preparing for those performances, while I went back to doing the usual routines at the company with Sejin to make sure that upcoming events were all in order and their comeback for next month was on track.

I easily became re-immersed into my work, but there was a thought that kept lingering in the back of my mind – one that had started before I even returned to Korea.

I was sitting in the dance studio, waiting for the boys to finish their practice for the day so we could all walk home together. Having watched the same routine over several times and being a little tired, my mind started drifting on its own. That tiny inkling of a thought that was hiding in the back of my mind started surfacing more and more the longer I sat there.

I looked again at the message on my phone. “Hey! Long time no talk! I am in town so I wanted to know if you were able to hang out so we can catch up. I miss you!” It was the one I sent to Jordan and hadn’t received a reply on. I knew he was difficult to get ahold of, his family had even told me that they have a hard time reaching him most of the time. But it still bothered me that I received absolutely no reply.

“Noona?” Hobi startled me out of my thoughts when he waved his hand in front of my face. “Everything alright in there?”

“Oh, yeah. Everything’s fine,” I responded. “Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Jordan?” I jumped when I heard Joonie’s voice literally right next to my ear. “Is that a friend from home?”

“Yeah, he is,” I said simply, turning my phone in my hands a couple of times before locking it.

“You’ve never mentioned him I don’t think,” Jin said. “Are you guys close?”

“I’ve mentioned him, just not by name,” I said. “He’s the one who I’ve known since I was five.”

“Ooohhh, that friend!” Hobi said. “You’re always smiling when you talk about him. Did you get to meet up with him?”

I looked down at the black screen of my phone and shook my head. “No, he never responded to me when I texted him.”

“Maybe you should call him, see if you can catch up?” Yoongi suggested. “You look like you miss him.”

“I do,” I admitted easily. “I feel like it’s been ages since we’ve talked but he is easily one of my closest friends.”

“Why don’t you call him now?” Tae said. “It’s a reasonable time there, isn’t it? And it’d be nice for us to talk to him a bit if you guys are really that close.”

I thought about it for a minute before deciding it may be a good idea. “Yeah, maybe I should. He does prefer phone calls over text messages anyway so that might help.”

Everyone seemed to agree they’d hang out to say hi and gathered around me while I hovered my finger over the call button on my phone. “Alright, I’ll introduce you guys before you start talking okay? And please only talk one at a time.” I gave them each a jokingly serious look before and got nods of agreement in return. I finally pressed the green circle and waited for him to answer, placing the phone on speaker. It seemed like it was about to go to voicemail, but he answered at the last minute.

“Hello?” I heard Jordan’s voice for the first time in what felt like forever through the phone.

“Hey, Jordan!” I said, excited to talk to him. “How are you?”

He was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry, but who is this?”

I pinched my eyebrows together in confusion, feeling uneasy. I knew for a fact that I messaged everyone my new number when I had gotten a new phone. “This is (Y/n).”

“Oh!” he said. “Sorry, I didn’t recognize your number. How are you?”

“I’m doing well,” I replied. “I thought I let you know I changed my number. Well, I messaged you last week asking if you wanted to hang out but you didn’t respond.”

“Yeah sorry,” he said. “I didn’t reply since I didn’t recognize the number.”

“Ah, okay. I guess that makes sense.” I noticed that Namjoon was quietly telling the others what we were saying so they weren’t lost. “Well I just figured I’d see if you were able to chat so we could catch up. A lot has happened since the last time we talked.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Jordan said, but he sounded distracted. I was about to reply, but before I could he continued. “But I’m actually kind of busy right now. Can I call you later?”

My heart sank. I’d heard that before. Many, many times before. “O-okay, yeah sure,” I replied. “Talk to you later then.”

“Mmkay. Bye!” Jordan said before hanging up.

“Bye…” I murmured even though the call was done.

A number of memories started zipping by through my mind, slowly connecting dots together. Something I felt like I had known all along, but had refused to believe up until this point. He wasn’t going to call me back. He was never going to call me back. There was no more denying it. I vaguely registered the boys trying to get my attention, but I was too lost in my thoughts to reply.

I suddenly stood up, grabbing my bag and coat before walking out of the room and not saying a single word. I knew what was about to happen and I wasn’t about to let it happen in front of the members of BTS. Not in front of my friends. I didn’t want them to see this side of me.

All the regular staff were gone for the day since it was getting late, so I freely jogged down the halls, letting my feet guide me to wherever they may. My heartbeat was speeding up and breathing becoming ragged, more from the speed of my mind rather than that of my body. I ended up in one front of one of the vocal lesson rooms and deciding that should be a safe enough place to wait out my attack, I entered and leaned against the wall next to the door without turning on the lights.

Now feeling as secure as I could from the possibility of being found, I let my emotions overwhelm me. Tears started streaming down my cheeks as choked sobs escaped my throat. Jordan wasn’t going to call me back. How stupid could I have possibly been? How many years had it been since he’d been playing my emotions like a fiddle?

At least five years, that was for sure. That was my first memory of this pattern developing. My 16th birthday party, when he promised he’d be there but hours passed and he wasn’t answering any of my calls. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought something came up, he was just busy and forgot to tell me. That is, until one of my friends called him from her phone and he didn’t realize she was at my house for the party so he answered. As soon as she asked him why he wasn’t there, he quickly hung up and didn’t answer any more calls after that.

I cried my eyes out that night. My best friend, the person who I trusted more than anyone else. Who had been by my side since we were five years old, and went through  years of school with while we were considered weird and didn’t fit in at all. We were there for each other and didn’t care what other people thought because we were happy being as good of friends as we were and even finding a few other friends along the way who were just as odd. That same friend had purposely ignored me on my birthday.

It wasn’t until two weeks later that I called him again, and he actually picked up. He profusely apologized and came up with some kind of explanation as to why he couldn’t make it. I asked him why he wouldn’t tell me that straight up instead of making me feel terrible that he was ignoring me on a day that was important to me. But he just apologized over and over, promising he wouldn’t do it again and he’d remember to keep in touch with me.

I was too naïve, too hopeful and clinging onto my friendship with him to see that for what it really was: excuses. Just excuses.

My face had to have been a mess by now, completely tear-streaked and all shades of blotchy reds from how much I was already crying. My thoughts were still racing as I recalled various events and empty promises from the years identical to the one I just experienced. I was hyperventilating, and started hitting the back of my head against the wall behind me as if that would rid my mind of all the thoughts swirling around.

When that didn’t work, I gripped onto my hair, pulling tightly. I couldn’t believe I was so blind all this time. I wanted to believe so badly that someone I knew and trusted for that long couldn’t lie to me like that, that I left myself completely oblivious to what was really going on. What was wrong with me? How could I have been so dumb?

But more importantly, what was it that I did to make him do this to me?

Suddenly, the door to the room swung open. It happened too quickly for my overwhelmed mind to comprehend what was going on, much less react before someone’s hands were on top of mine, trying to loosen them from my hair. I knew someone was right in front of me and witnessing my breakdown; the part of my mind that was still logical knew it and wanted me to stop. But my emotions were running the show right now and they weren’t going to listen – they were going to keep going in the spiraling direction they were already headed.

“Oh my gosh, noona!” they said. “What’s wrong?” I recognized it as Hobi’s voice. Our hope, our sunshine. He was seeing me a mess. He surely wouldn’t want anything to do with me after seeing me in this state. “Please, talk to me noona.”

I curled up even further into a ball, hiding my face behind my knees and keeping my hands tightly gripped onto my hair despite Hobi’s best attempts to remove them. I was unable to help myself from continuing to sob, finding it even harder to breathe than before in this new position.

“Guys! She’s in the vocal lesson area!” Hoseok yelled. “Please come here, quick!” he turned his attention to me, starting to make shushing sounds. “It’s okay, noona.” His voice was suddenly quiet and calming, but wasn’t doing much to aid in my racing mind. Although he did finally loosen my hands from their vice grip in my hair. “Noona, it’s alright. We’re here for you. Just please, talk to me.” He was stroking my hair in what I recognized was an attempt to soothe me. But again, I was still too far gone for it to help right now.

I shook my head, face still hidden. “No,” I said. “N-no. no,” I stuttered through hiccupped breaths. “He… He’s n-not… He’s a-a li-liar.” My mind was stuck in English mode so I don’t know if Hobi understood what I said. I started rocking back and forth, beginning to have difficulty maintaining control over my own muscles.

Hoseok continued trying to console me by shushing and stroking my hair, at a loss for what else he could possibly do. I heard others enter the room, pausing when they saw the state I was in.

“What’s wrong?” Jimin’s normally calmingly melodic voice sounded far away, as if I was inside of a fishbowl.

“I don’t know,” Hoseok said. “I found her like this and she won’t talk to me.”

“I think she’s having a panic attack,” a deeper, somewhat raspy voice said, but I could barely hear it.

I thought there were others and that they talked a little bit more but their voices were being drowned out by my mind. More memories, more thoughts. I felt like I wasn’t myself, and I knew I needed to calm down and come back down to earth. But that part of my mind was locked behind metal bars and my emotions were in control now. How could I have been so dumb? I knew what was going on but I refused to see it. It was my fault, I had to have done something for him to do this to me.

My fault. Something was wrong with me. Everyone left me. It had to be me. What was it? Why couldn’t people stay? Why did they always leave? Why, why?

I felt out of control of my own body as I lifted my head and started hitting it against the wall in synchronization with repeating the word “why” through my mind over and over. At least until something held onto my head to stop it from moving.

I was aware of everything I was doing. I knew it was silly and I needed to stop. But I couldn’t, I didn’t feel in control. I started mumbling those same short sentences that had been running through my mind, still being hindered through the hiccupped breaths from hyperventilating. By this point I was feeling dizzy from the lack of sufficient oxygen making it through to my lungs.

One of the hands holding my head still moved to rest on the back of it, gently stroking my hair. Someone else was running their thumbs over my cheeks to wipe away the tear stains. Another hand gently ran up and down the calf of my leg in a calming motion. The combined efforts of these actions started bringing the voices around me back into focus as I slowly opened my eyes.

“Noona,” Jimin’s sweet voice broke through first. I looked at him. “There you are. Hey, it’s okay.” He repeated the last sentence a few times. I realized he was the one caressing my leg.

I heard Jungkook’s calming voice singing a soft song somewhere close by.

“Noona, are you coming back to us?” Hoseok’s voice a little to my left spoke up and I looked his way. He was the one wiping my tears. It took me some effort, but I found the control to shakily nod my head to respond to him.

“You have to breathe, okay?” Jimin said.

“Let’s count in sets of four, noona,” Yoongi’s voice came from my right. “You’ll breathe in, hold your breath, and then breathe out for four counts each. And we’ll keep doing that. You think you can do that?”

I closed my eyes and nodded once more. Yoongi started counting and I did my best to follow the counts, although it was challenging with the short, uncontrolled breaths I had been taking for who knows how long by now. But each time the cycle restarted, it got a little bit better. I was able to focus my mind on the song Jungkook was singing, which kept my thoughts at bay as Yoongi helped my breathing come back to normal.

By the time my breath returned to normal, I felt in control of myself again.

“Welcome back,” Hoseok said with a soft smile as he removed his hands from my cheeks.

I started crying again, hiding my face in my hands.

“Noona,” Hoseok gently called me as he came closer to wrap his arms around me. “Hey, shh it’s okay. It’s okay.”

“Oh my gosh.” I could barely even recognize my own voice. It was so weak from all the crying and hyperventilating. “I can’t believe you guys saw me like that. I didn’t want you to ever see me like that.”

“It’s alright,” Jimin said as Yoongi ran his hand along my back to continue trying to comfort me. “We don’t mind. We just want you to be okay.”

“Noona, has this happened to you before?” Yoongi tentatively asked.

I slowly nodded. “You guys think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

“No, of course not!” Hobi assured me. “Why would we ever think that?”

“Because I literally just acted crazy,” I said, lifting my head to look at Hoseok. “I wasn’t in control of myself. My emotions went absolutely haywire and I had no power over my own actions. How does that not make me look crazy?”

I heard sniffling coming from somewhere nearby.

“You’re not crazy, noona,” I heard Joon’s voice but when I looked for him I couldn’t see him.

“The others are standing outside,” Jimin told me when he noticed me looking. “We couldn’t all fit in here.”

“Just because you had a panic attack, that doesn’t make you crazy,” Yoongi said.

“Do you think you can stand up?” Hobi asked, holding my hands with his own.

I responded by slowly raising myself off the floor, bracing my hands on the wall behind me to help. I was a little wobbly on my feet at first, but could still support myself after a moment.

Hoseok kept hold of one of my hands as I turned to walk out the door, and the first person I saw was Jin. He was holding a wet towel in his hands and used it to gently wipe my face. The water was cool and refreshing, helping my swollen eyes and hot cheeks to feel a little better, and I was sure it helped me look at least a tiny bit less of a mess than I was. He gave me a soft smile after he was done.

“Thank you, Jin,” I said. I looked next to him and saw the other three members, realizing where I heard the sniffling coming from. Tae and Kookie’s eyes were red and somewhat swollen. I gently let go of Hobi’s hand to walk over to them and wrap them both in a hug, and they quickly embraced me back, holding onto me tightly. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t want to worry you guys. I’m so sorry, please don’t cry.”

“Don’t apologize, noona,” Tae said. “I should apologize. I was the one who told you to call him. It’s my fault.”

I let go of them to grab his face and make him look me in the eyes. “None of that. It’s not your fault. None of us knew what was going to happen. And my fragile mental state is not your responsibility.”

I heard one of the boys make a disapproving whine at my statement, unhappy with how I described myself.

“Let’s get back to the dance studio so we have room to sit and talk, yeah?” Namjoon suggested.

I nodded in agreement, and Jimin was quick to come to my side and entwine his fingers with mine. We walked back in silence and Jimin gently guided me to sit on the couch once we were back in the room, sitting next to me. Hobi took the seat on my other side while the others sat around the floor in front of me.

“Do you want talk about it?” Joonie asked, placing a hand on my knee.

I exhaled a long breath, gathering myself. “I will. I’m sorry, guys. I know that must have been so out of the blue for you and I didn’t mean to scare you. I ran off because I felt the attack coming and didn’t want you guys to see it. I had hoped you wouldn’t have looked for me there.”

“Don’t apologize,” Yoongi was quick to say. “You don’t need to apologize for feeling your emotions. Sometimes they can get the best of you, but that’s okay. It’s not embarrassing. And it’s better to have someone there to help you through it than to go through it alone.”

“I’m glad we did find you,” Hobi said. “Who knows how long you would have been there like that if we didn’t.”

I nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“What was it that plagued that beautiful head of yours, (Y/n)?” Jin asked.

“I know Namjoon was telling you guys what Jordan and I were saying so I’m sure I don’t need to explain that,” I started. They nodded in confirmation. “Well, it definitely may seem like that was nothing to trigger me. But when he said, ‘I’m busy. I’ll call you later,’ it was as if I had an epiphany. I realized that I had heard that from him countless times. So many times that he gave me promises of keeping in touch, of calling me or texting me later. Always to end up being empty. He never kept those promises.”

Jimin started running his fingers through my hair, and I rested my head on his shoulder. I continued, “The first time I noticed something being off was at my 16th birthday party, about five years ago. He was supposed to come but didn’t show and ignored my calls. I talked to him two weeks later and he had this excuse that I just accepted because he was my best friend and I wanted to believe him. But really, he had no reason to ignore me and if he really did have a reason to not show he should have told me from the start.”

I wouldn’t stop fidgeting my hands, so Hobi took one in his and rubbed comforting circles on it with his thumb. “After that, I started getting more and more empty promises. I think I knew for a while, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. But when he told me that this time… I just couldn’t deny it anymore. That I realized every time I got in contact with him, or we managed to meet each other it was by pure coincidence, and it was always me reaching out. Today, he answered my call because he didn’t know it was me. And that wouldn’t be the first time something like that happened.”

I closed my eyes, trying to keep myself from crying again. “Over and over and over again, he apologized for not being the one to reach out or not keeping in touch. And he’d promise to change that. But he never did, not even once. For five years. Five. Years. He didn’t have the guts to just tell me that…” I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. Saying this out loud, admitting it outside of my thoughts made it too real. “That he just doesn’t care about me or want to be my friend anymore. Is it really that hard to not string someone along, to not lie to them and keep giving them hope that everything’s still okay?”

Hoseok wrapped his arms around me as I leaned further into Jimin’s shoulder, getting his shirt wet with my tears. “How could he just decide it was okay to do that to me? I trusted him and believed in him. He was there for me when no one else was for such a long time. When no one else wanted to be my friend, when I was oblivious to the other kids making fun of us, he was always there. And I was stupid enough to believe he always would be. But that’s the thing – the only thing that’s a definite when it comes to me is that my friends will always leave me.”

“Don’t say that,” Tae said. “Even if that may have happened up until now, you can’t say that’s what will always happen. Because no matter what, we’re not going anywhere, noona.”

I really wanted to argue that there’s no way he could know that, but I didn’t have the energy to debate on that right now.

“What was going through your mind when you were having your attack?” Yoongi asked. “Other than having that realization about him, I mean.”

I bit my lip, not wanting to voice it out loud. The state of my mind definitely amplified them but that didn’t mean that they weren’t things that I didn’t think of more often than I cared to admit. I was hoping we could move onto something else, but my silence spoke volumes. Yoongi seemed too familiar with what I was going through, he must have known that the destructive mannerisms had to come from destructive thoughts as well.

Jimin pulled away a little so he could make me look him in the eye. “Noona, please. We know there are things you may want to keep to yourself, but we really want to make sure you’re okay. Please tell us.”

I sighed, knowing I wasn’t getting out of this. And I wasn’t in a state to come up with a quick lie. “At the worst part,” I started, “the part when I was hitting my head against the wall.” I saw the others cringe or make sounds of displeasure at me recounting that. “I was thinking how it’s my fault. That there has to be something wrong with me that makes people always leave. Because I’m the common denominator, I have to be at fault. And I was asking myself why, what it is that causes it and why I’m like this.”

“Oh, noona,” I heard Jungkook say in a very sad tone.

“How often do you think those things?” Yoongi asked.

“Is this a counseling session or something?” I responded.

“Basically, yeah,” he said without missing a beat. “Please, answer my question.” His sentences may have been short and to the point, but they were full of care.

“I don’t know how often but,” I paused while thinking of how to phrase it, “I wouldn’t call it uncommon.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, (Y/n),” Jin said. “We told you this before. Those people just don’t know how wonderful you are. But we know, and we aren’t planning on giving you up for anything.”

“You say that now,” I mumbled under my breath in English.

“I heard that,” Joonie responded. The others looked at him curiously. “Basically, she implied that we think that way now but it doesn’t mean it’ll stay that way.”

“We won’t leave you, noona,” Tae said, almost sounding desperate. “We would never want to.”

“It took Jordan eleven years to start to get sick of me,” I replied. “Others only took a few months, some a year or two. But he took eleven years.” I could see on their faces that they knew what I was implying. That even if we were good friends for a very long time, it still didn’t mean it was permanent.

“You are right about one thing,” Hobi said, gently turning my head towards him. “You can’t predict the future. None of us have any idea where we’re going to be in five, ten, or fifty years in the future. But there is something we do know. That right now, you are one of our closest friends. And we all love you and don’t know what we’d do without you. We know that we want you in our lives, and we don’t see that changing any time soon. Just as you don’t know if later down the line we may drift apart, you also can’t say that we won’t be just as close in fifty years as we are now. I don’t know about you, but I’m willing to bet on the latter.” He touched his forehead to mine as he finished his speech.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, closing my eyes. “I really do love you guys. It just scares me. I’ve never talked much about it with you all because I thought I had it under control, but I have battled anxiety for quite a few years now. I thought it was more or less gone but I’ve been fighting the negative thoughts again lately. I’m doing what I can to keep them under control but that’s sometimes easier said than done.”

“You should be open about it with us,” Jin said. “If you tell us something is bothering you then we can help.”

“I’ll try to be,” I said.

“Noona,” Taehyung maneuvered his way through his hyungs to sit right in front of me. “We love you. And we’re here for you. You’re always here for us, so let us be there for you. Hmm?”

I gave him a soft smile. “Okay, Taetae. I love you guys too.”

He extended himself toward me to include himself in the already tangled embraces of myself, Jimin, and Hobi. And the rest of the boys took that as their cue to pile in for a big, chaotic group hug that ended with us all laughing because of how awkward of a fit it was.

“Oh!” Jungkook exclaimed as we all righted ourselves again. “Can we have a sleepover again? It was so much fun last time.”

“I live right across the hall from you guys, it is literally unnecessary,” I said.

“We don’t care,” Joonie said, grabbing my things. “I vote yes for the sleepover.”

And soon enough the rest of the boys were all voicing their agreements to the notion as well.

My anxiety really might get the best of me sometimes, but one thing was for sure. Where I was right here, right now, surrounded by these people – this was a place I could be happy. And I planned on cherishing it for as long as I possibly could.

Series Masterlist

Chapter 25 | Chapter 26 | Chapter 27

Tags: @calling-dips-on-j-hope​ @misohime​ @netflix-batman-sleep​ @smallbaby-cat​ @leitholdwithlove​ @ramyagovindraj​ @leesalts​ @rjsmochii​

Send me a message or ask if you want tagged! And also feel free to leave comments or send asks to just talk to me!

[frywen-bumbles]

The Way to a Man’s Heart Goes Through His... Cat? Ch5

AO3

Days later Jaskier is still thoroughly embarrassed by accidentally calling Geralt while drunk. He is sure he had picked Essi's number but what is done is done. They haven't talked much after that. The next day Geralt inquired after Roach but since then it's been radio silence and it does not bother Jaskier at all. Geralt must just be busy, that's all. No other reason what so ever.

   <my mom comes to visit today!!!>    <i missed her>    <when i grow up i want to be just like her!>    <i wish you could meet her she's so nice>    <she yelled at daddy for not answering her>    <oh no that was supposed to be a secret>

<i swear i won't tell a soul>

   <that's good. daddy said i shouldn't lie to him any more but he wouldn't like if i told someone mom yelled at him>

<yeah, it's bad to lie to your parents> <but maybe little secrets like this are okay> <no more texting anyone without permission though!>

   <yeah, i'm sorry I lied mrJ>     <hows the trip going now? i hope you don't have to be alone today like yesterday>

   <no, today i got to help uncle A with a new video!>    <uncle A came here yesterday and he and uncle L were being gross>    <they make the best videos>    <but daddy is better than them>    <daddy is the best>    <even grandpa says so but he told me not to tell uncle L because he would get upset>

<that's very sensible off him>

   <i helped making this video too!>

There's a link to a youtube video Jaskier clicks open without much thought. Except when he sees the channel he has to check to make sure he got it right. He knows this channel, he has watched almost every single video, including the one Fiona just sent him.

 Camera zooms into a ginger headed man holding a sword, knee-deep in what looks like a natural pond.

 "Oi, did you see it?" the cameraman asks laughing so hard the camera shakes

 "Of course, not, you bastard! You were holding me down while it swam past!"

 "Do you know what it is?"

 "Fucking drowners I bet." the ginger man grumbles and lets out a yell as a blue-skinned monster leaps out of water. "Oi, fuck you, put that camera down and come help me!"

 "Eh, you're doing fine! Show me that arse!" the cameraman laughs and the camera shakes.

 "Fucking bitch ass cat!"

 "I love you too!"

 The camera moves to reveal a second blue-skinned monster closer, close enough to reach the camera.

 "Oi, cub, catch!"

 The camera flies in the air and for a while nothing but sky and leaves are visible. The camera turns back to show the cameraman killing the monster with a sword, a spray of blood flying in the air.

 "Still struggling there, love?"

 "I killed four while you were a prick killing only one! I'm not cooking for you tonight!"

 "Oh, I'm wounded, how will I survive without the love of my life cooking for me?"

 The ginger man gives the giggling cameraman the finger, a smile tugging at his lips.

Jaskier doesn't even glance at the comment section where the evergoing debate about the videos is going strong. In Jaskier's opinion it's stupid, no real witcher would post videos like this of their work. It's just two guys having too much time and energy in their hands making the videos look as realistic as possible, probably a combination of CGI and practical effects.

He has to admit, he is slightly hooked. Kittencam69 has been making these videos for a couple of years and while this is no way his favourite video, it's clear it was important to Fiona to be a part of making it.

His favourite videos are probably the ones where the ginger man yells from his window at werewolves. Or the one where they fight a wyvern, the effects of that one were truly gorgeous.

Why would someone spend their talent on something like this is beyond him, but who is he to judge? He still can't believe how anyone thinks the monsters in the videos are real though. He's far more interested if the two men are really dating or if that's just their way of talking to each other. He's 95% certain they are dating.

A text from Yen interrupts his thoughts.

   <I found a book for your paper>    <I'll drop it in an hour>

<oh, thank you, that's very kind of you>

   <shut up and accept the book>    <you don't want your paper turning out shite>

This time around, when Yen comes, Jaskier is wearing trousers.

"Here's your book," Yen greets him and tosses an old book on the kitchen table hard enough Jaskier has to leap to grab it before it slides off the table and drops on Roach who is of course right there.

"Hello, nice to see you, why won't you come in and have some tea?" Jaskier says with a mocking voice and bows, pulling a chair out for her.

"I see you haven't set the house on fire," Yen says as she sits down.

"Please, I'm not that terrible of a cook!" Jaskier exclaims as he puts the kettle on.

"Right, you were eating nothing but instant ramen last time I was here."

"That!" Jaskier points at Yen in mock outrage, "was one day! One unfortunate day I was a mess and you think I live like that?!"

"Of course, I'm never wrong." Yen smiles sharp and Jaskier can't help the cold shivers running down his back.

"You're terrible, that's what you are..." he mumbles as he digs out mugs from the cabinet. "So what this book then?" Jaskier takes the book he'd put the cover down on the table and almost drops it. 'Fifty Years of Poetry' stares at him from the cover of the book.

"Oh, just something I had lying around, you know," Yen drawls in what Jaskier is quite certain is mock indifference. He squints his eyes at her in suspicion.

"So you're telling me you had one of the most sought after books in the academic world just 'lying around' and decided to give it to some random uni student?"

"Please, don't think I'm doing this for you." Yen waves him off, "You're an idiot."

"Why, thank you for the compliment, ma'am." Jaskier bows again. "Do you want the pink or the white mug?"

They settle down on the table, cups of tea and some biscuits Jaskier got after last time Yen visited.

"I- ah- had some questions about Geralt." Jaskier admits shyly as he puts the 'Fifty Years of Poetry' safe away from the table. He wouldn't want to ruin a book that valuable by accidentally spilling something on it.

"Hm, what did he do?"

"Oh, no nothing! It's nothing like that. I was just- maybe if you could- you don't have to of course-"

"Just spit it out, Julian," Yen interrupts him, sounding both put-out and bored, a feat Jaskier can only hope to master.

"Maybeyouwouldknowifhe'sseeinganyoneorsomething..." Jaskier manages to mumble out, which makes Yen burst out laughing.

"Oh, gods, I thought this was something serious, you had me for a moment there." Yen falls into a fit of giggles Jaskier is sure is aimed at him. Or perhaps at the thought of Geralt seeing anyone but the way Yen thrills at his discomfort tells him it's the former.

Of course, the hot cat dad is not single, who is he even kidding. He should probably just think about the book he got. And his thesis. And definitely, not the hot cat dad whose bed he's been sleeping in for the past month.

He is doomed.

***

It's high time to do something about the vegetable garden.

Or literally anything to avoid his thesis, if Jaskier is completely honest with himself.

Roach is chasing something in the bushes and Jaskier is happier not knowing what unfortunate small animal will face its maker. He stares at the vegetable garden which at this point seems to be about 50-50 vegetables and weeds. At least the plants are alive.

"I should have done this several times already, right, Roachie?" Jaskier asks the cat who emerges from the bushes covered in leaves and dirt. She gives him a wide berth and digs a hole at the other end of the patch.

"I swear to gods, Roach, if I find cat poop when I'm weeding this thing you will not get out for a week, do you hear me?"

Roach does not listen to him. Of course, she doesn't. She covers the hole she made and runs back into the bushes.

"That's disgusting, Roach. You have a perfectly fine litter box inside why would you do that to me?"

Roach doesn't answer. In fact, Jaskier is quite certain she's not listening to him at all, far more interested in whatever is the bushes.

A large lock on the door of the shed stops his gardening endeavours quite efficiently. He tries in vain to find the key somewhere close by but has to give up after a while.

"Okay, so if I were a key where would I be?" Jaskier rummages through the kitchen and the living room, only finding a stash of cat toys under the sofa.

"Oi, what are you so happy about? I know it was you who hid them there!" Jaskier cries at Roach who jumps in the middle of the pile startling him.

His search leads him into the study, Roach hot on his heels. She jumps on top of the bookshelf and Jaskier finds himself marvelling yet again how effortless Roach makes the almost two and a half metre jump look like.

"Hey, Roachie, came in to check what I'm up to?" Jaskier asks as he tries to open the top drawer of the desk. "Aaah, shite, why I never remember which side is locked..." he mumbles as he moves to the other end of the massive desk and opens the top drawer on that side.

All he finds is stationary in an amazing array of boring and practical to colourful and silly. He suspects the likes of the pink glitter pens with pompoms at the top are the results of Fiona getting to decide what to get.

He moves to the bookshelf next, more out of boredom than any real thought about finding the key. The books all look incredibly boring, ranging from computer science to physics and the sort. Nothing that would catch Jaskier's eye.

He takes one book out in random and opens it to leaf it through if to do nothing else at least he gets to avoid writing his thesis. But what greets him in the pages makes him almost drop the book entirely.

Monsters.

Pages after pages about monsters. Detailed drawings, stories, myths, facts. Anything in between.

Jaskier feels his fingers turn numb from the sheer shock. He looks at the bookshelf again and pulls another book, then another and another.

Monsters. Potions. Magic. Elder races. It's all there. Jaskier can't even comprehend the sheer volume of knowledge that has been at his grasp for over a month without him knowing anything about it and it makes his head spin. He needs... he needs to read everything.

The bling of his phone brings him back from his frantic search for more and more books.

   <mommy said she comes to see you>    <she wants to see my new tutor>

Jaskier stares at his phone, panic rising in his throat. He's... well him? Not some sort of accomplished tutor Fiona's mother is surely expecting.

<When is she coming?>

Just as he presses send he hears the front door open.

"Julian? Are you here?"

Oh shit. Oh. Shit.

He's so screwed.

   <now>

"Yen? I'm upstairs, I'll be right there!" he shouts. He's so screwed. Yen, of all people, is Fiona's mother.

She is going to kill him.

Another surge of panic hits him. He asked Yen if Geralt was single! She's his... wife? ex? An old flame? Whatever she is, that is not someone to ask something like that.

"Julian? What are you doing- oh! You found Geralt's books."

"I'm sorry...!" Jaskier whispers, suddenly terrified of the woman in the doorway. "I didn't mean to snoop, I swear, I was only looking for a key to the shed to find some gardening tools, I never meant-!"

Yen silences him with a dismissive gesture with her hand, "I don't care about the books. If he's stupid enough to leave them for you to find it's not my problem. What I came here for was to talk about Fiona. Care to offer me some tea?"

"Tea? Um, yeah sure... tea coming right away..." he feels like he avoided death.

"Sooo, I'm finally face to face with the famous Mr J." Yen says when she has a steaming mug of tea in front of her.

Jaskier slumps on a chair opposite of her and buries his face in his hands.

"Please, don't murder me, I didn't know you were her mother..." he mumbles from between her fingers, wailing up in his misery almost far enough he doesn't hear Yen snort.

"Please, I wouldn't murder you for that. For something else though..."

"Please, don't murder me for any reason," Jaskier begs, not lifting his face from his hands.

"Don't worry, you're way too unimportant to be murdered." Yen pats his arm.

"Why am I relieved to hear that?" Jaskier moans and finally uncovers his face to look at Yen. "So, you presumably wanted to talk about Fiona before you murder me?"

"True. She has her final tests coming up before summer and she's fallen way more behind than I thought."

"Wait, wait, I thought you didn't want to murder me?" Jaskier squeaks. Yen gives him a terrifying smile.

"Like I was saying. She has fallen behind on her studies. And I need you to tutor her, properly this time, not just helping with her homework. I will pay you of course. And a bonus if I feel she did well enough in her tests."

"Pay me?" Jaskier asks, suddenly way more interested. He could, in theory, save the extra money towards a deposit for a place for his own, which he'll need soon if some other gig doesn't come up during the next few weeks.

"I'll give you double what Geralt is paying you. Tripple if Fiona's grades are good enough."

The biscuit Jaskier was eating drops from his mouth.

"Ah, shite, fuck!" he tries desperately to stop the crumbs from spreading everywhere, failing spectacularly.

"I'm so glad we have an agreement. I'll see you around, Julian." Yen rises from her chair and before Jaskier has the chance to collect a single thought, she's already gone.

[rafael-silva]

(long) thoughts on 10.22, mcdanno and the ending

Okay, so. The finale. It took me a while to digest everything and turn my thoughts into coherent sentences. Also, this is long. Like an essay. Literally. If you read till the end, bless you.

I have mixed feelings, and they’re tugging at each other. Part of me wants to scream but another part of me is like, there’s more to this. This is me trying to make sense of the whole thing without my heart shattering. So you’ll definitely get glimpses of each side during this essay.

First, here’s a scene I imagine happening after the series finale ends:

It fades back in. And we’re in Steve’s house. We don’t know how much time has passed. Keys rattle, and the front door is pushed open.

Offscreen, we hear, “you better not have forgotten the malasadas.”

It’s a little raspy, a little slow, a little croaky, but so unmistakably Danny’s voice.

A chuckle. And then, comes the reply, equally raspy, “right here, Danno. Come and get them.”

“And you better have bought a lot. Clara is coming over in a bit. You know how much she loves malasadas. And no, you come out here, the breeze is nice,” Danny replies.

And Steve goes. And sits in his chair next to Danny as they look out into the water. He opens the box and Danny grabs a malasada.

They’re home.

Fade to black. Roll credits.

In my opinion, the ending was supposed to be about McDanno. And as much as we did get so much McDanno in the finale, I’m talking specifically about the last thing we see on the screen. And I’m not talking about them becoming canon. The chances of that happening were slim to none.

I’m talking about their friendship, their partnership, their bond. I’m talking about the two men who put their lives on the line for each other, time and time again, without hesitation; the two men who traveled to the ends of the earth for each other. That is what the ending should have ended with.

From the full-blown panic Steve was in when Danny was being followed. Steve's only priority is saving Danny’s life. The person you care about most in the world. Steve holding Danny on the way to the hospital. Steve constantly reassuring Danny that he’s right there, to hold on. Steve holding Danny’s hand. He thought he was going to lose Danny and it broke him.

(Also, All For One playing during the scene where Steve sits next to Danny’s hospital bed and holds his hand? Yes, I cried.)

I knew the Catherine part was coming, from the moment she was brought up, I knew what was going to happen. I just didn’t want the Catherine scene to be the final scene of the series. 

Because the truth is, while Catherine kept ducking in and out of Steve’s life, the one constant thing in Steve’s life was Danny. And they didn’t do that justice.

And I think that’s what I’m mad about most. I knew the chances of canon McDanno were slim to none (even though the first half of the episode was screaming McDanno, as should have the entire episode been and a part of me was like, hold on...maybe...because 95% of the episode? McDanno.) 

All throughout season ten, we were constantly shown how important Steve and Danny are to each other, that they can’t live without each other. It truly was a love letter to each other and to McDanno fans. We know the love is there, but I wanted to see Steve choosing Danny. Yes, we got a heart to heart, some of their classic banter in there, I love you’s and a powerful hug, which I am grateful for and will always cherish…but I wanted the last scene of the series, to be of Steve and Danny.

And it breaks my heart, because at the end of the day, Steve left Danny.  After everything.

Hawaii. Danny moved 4,948 miles away from his home to be close to his daughter. He hated Hawaii. But then he met Steve and Steve chose Danny. Then he slowly began to love the Island. Until the Island was home. Until Steve was home. Danny was alone in the beginning and what hurts so much, is even after ten years, the last time we see Danny, is him, sitting on his best friend’s private beach, alone. It breaks my heart.

And I want to say that Danny hops on a plane and goes to Jersey to Steve but I wanted Steve to pick Danny. I wish Steve had realized that going away isn’t always the answer. That healing can happen with the people you love. Should happen with the people you love. Because that is what the show is about. How to save and be saved at the same time. Heal, and be healed.

My hopes are for a Steve and Catherine friendship. I have a few issues with how Catherine treated Steve, and how she hurt him. And for me, it seems out of character for Steve to just dive back into a relationship with her, after everything they’ve been through in the past. Especially after clearly saying how much Catherine is like Doris. And how he’s done with Doris. Because if Steve is just repeating history, I feel like during those final two minutes, the writers went, Steve’s character development? Don’t know him.

I get needing time away. I get that there’s so much history and pain for Steve in Hawaii. And I wholeheartedly agree that Steve needs a break. I just have a little problem with the timing.

Danny is recovering. Plain and simple. While yes, Danny doesn’t need Steve to hold his hand and hover during his recovery. But he nearly died and Steve nearly lost his mind at that thought. And yet, a mere week later, Steve just leaves.

And just like Steve needs to heal, Danny needs to heal, too. It’s been a hell of a year for both of them. Danny’s been through so much too, and the person who helps him through it and who Danny leans on, has left. And I hate how they undermined Danny’s hurt, his pain, they put him through hell and then take away his number one support system. I think Danny needed to get away, too. And with the whole “if you’re out, I’m out” thing that’s been going on between Steve and Danny, I doubt Danny will remain in Five-0 without Steve.

Whether anything comes out of Steve and Catherine, it doesn’t change the fact that Danny was left behind. And that just angers me so much. I just had hoped that Steve would have chosen Danny, just like Danny has been choosing Steve time and time again for a decade.

Steve says Catherine was the one who got away. Because, yes, she got away. And when he tells Cole that he’s good, I believe him. I think he accepted it long ago, that maybe it would have worked out. But it didn’t. And I think Steve deserved some closure, and that’s why Catherine showed up at the end.

The first time I watched the episode and the ending, I thought, “yeah, why did I expect anything different...” but then after really thinking about it, I realized nothing is set in stone. And I started thinking, maybe Catherine is there to support Steve, maybe this will lead to them mending their relationship and becoming friends. Because I honestly pray and hope Steve’s development isn’t gone. He’s lost, he needs to find himself again. The few times we’ve seen Catherine since she left the show was either because she needed Steve’s help or he needed hers. Maybe it’s still just that. And it’s just purely that. A friend helping a friend.

And I suspect Steve couldn’t do that with Danny because it’s all still so fresh, and it’s eating at Steve. Danny almost died. Because of something Steve had. And it shook Steve to his core. He almost lost the person he cares about most in this world, and it would have been his fault.

Catherine’s last words were, are you ready? And I think they meant, are you ready to heal?

I don’t mind a Steve and Catherine friendship, just not a romantic relationship. She can help Steve with his PTSD, they can talk and get closure. Maybe that hand holding was Steve saying, thank you for being here. Thank you for helping. That hand holding felt more like holding hands in support, rather than romance. I think if it were romance, he would have intertwined their fingers together. He tells her how much he appreciated her help and that she will always mean a lot to him but they’re history. They had their shot. It didn’t work out. Romantically, at least. And maybe they’re better as friends.

Steve has his face in his hands, and he’s terrified. The look in his eyes during the entire episode speaks of fear, worry, concern, pain, guilt. When Danny wakes up, Steve lets out a long, shaky breath. He was holding his breath. Literally. Then Steve says, “she used you to get to me, she almost killed you...” and that realization, it flipped something in Steve. He couldn’t handle history repeating itself.

So I’m going to believe that that’s the reason Steve left, because otherwise, I see his leaving as out of character. He needs to heal away from Hawaii, away from seeing Danny’s battered body and knowing he was indirectly the reason for that. So he heals. And he returns to Hawaii, to Danny. And they continue healing together.

Maybe, after receiving the miss you already text from Danny, and if Steve wasn’t getting off the plane, maybe he could have texted back, “me too, Danno. But I’ll be back.” (But, come on, the way Steve looked back at Danny sitting on the beach, the look of longing already in Steve’s eyes…yeah, I thought he was getting off that plane.)

Bottom line is, I hope Steve and Catherine rebuild their relationship as friends. And maybe Steve could start rebuilding his trust towards Catherine, too. I think that would be good for him, to heal that part. Because I know how much they mean to each other. And honestly, I think there’s so much romantic history, and just history, good and bad, maybe even too much, for them to move past on the romantic side.

When Danny woke up in the hospital, he said, “you can’t get rid of me that easily.” Even after being kidnapped, beaten and shot, Danny is never leaving Steve.

So I hope Steve returns to Danny, and to their beach, and they do grow old together. As husbands or platonic life partners, either way, I hope they end up sitting side by side watching sunsets. I’m praying they both get the happy ending they so deserve. 

My true ending to the show is Danny’s final dream in 8.10. Steve and Danny have grown old together, Danny’s granddaughter had called and Steve forgot to tell Danny. And Danny saying he wouldn’t change anything about his life, there is not a single thing he would change. If he had to do it again, he’d do it the same way. That’s my ending.

[rennyforpresident]

Renny’s BBSim: First Boots THE FINALE!!!

For the last time, Welcome back to BIIIIIIIIIG BROTHER!

@ashleaevans @bathroom-sand @kaysarswhore @kayysarridha @kelleekim @lahallucinations @maxdoesbb @misshoh @music-obsessednerd @nerdphobic @nomwastaken @pawn2393 @phylisisley @remember-caltoru @rennyforpresident @shaolinbynature

Welcome to the finale of Renny’s BBSim: First Boots! 95 days ago, 16 former first boots went to bat to try and redeem themselves in the BB house. So far, 13 of them have fallen short of the prize, but three remain standing, ready to duke it out.

@ashleaevans. Someone who started off as furniture quickly became a house contender. Often the center of drama, he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind, and made clear who his alliances were whenever he was given the chance. With two HOHs and Vetos under his belt, he has a formidable track record. Will he be the one to take the jury votes?

@pawn2393. Someone who laid low the entire season and relied wholly on his alliance to get him further. Some call it piggybacking, some call it meat shielding. I call it smart. He just won his first veto, and while competitions aren’t his strong suit, his social game has been nothing but on point. Will the jury recognize this and reward him with the half million dollar prize?

@shaolinbynature. This competition BEAST has won FIVE HOHs this summer. Completely redeeming their track record wasn’t enough, though, and she got involved in numerous deals and alliances, even finding love along the way. She also didn’t shy away from drama, and had several legendary fights during her stay in the house. Will her record precede here and earn her the grand prize?

These are your three finalists. The jury will decide between two of them, and in order to determine which two, we need to have our final HOH competition of the summer!

Round 1 is endurance. The competition seems easy, but as the waters act up and the weather turns bad, people get cold, and the complaints start rolling in. 

After 48 minutes, someone loses concentration and accidentally removes their hand from their key

@ashleaevans: “FUCK! No no no no no I didn’t mean it!”

But unfortunately, he remains out. The other two battle it out to the end, and stay in their boats for almost three hours. @ashleaevans is sitting on the sidelines doing nothing, waiting for this to be over.

@shaolinbynature whispering: “Hey, @pawn2393, if I get off do you promise me you’ll take me to the end? I swear to you I’ll take you.”

@pawn2393: “Deal dude. I can’t sit next to someone as likeable as him.”

After another quick confirmation, @shaolinbynature pretends to slip his hand off, and 

@pawn2393! You will advance to part 3 of the final HOH competition.

This one will test our houseguests’ memory, as well as speed. If they remember everything about this season, they’ll be golden!

Once both houseguests compete, they gather in the backyard for the results.

@ashleaevans, you had a time of 12:13. Good job!

@shaolinbynature, you will need to beat this time in order to advance to round 3 of the final HOH. Your time is...

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11:20! Which means

The two houseguests competing in the final HOH are @shaolinbynature and @pawn2393. Unfortunately, @ashleaevans, you will be sitting this out.

@ashleaevans in the DR: “I’m a little pissed that I’m sitting this out. But I have faith that @pawn2393 can pull this out. He’s on kind of a winning streak right now”

(It’s called encore presentation because this is literally the same competition as last week’s HOH lmao)

The two stand on giant scales, ready to compete. The stress from the competition is palpable, and even Arisa and Julie are nervous. 

After 8 rounds of questions, the game ends with a score of 6-5. The winner of the final HOH, and the person who has guaranteed themselves a spot in the final 2, is...

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@pawn2393! You have secured your spot in the final 2, and earned the right to decide who will be sitting next to you!

Arisa: “Congratulations everyone on making it to the finale! But even more congratulations to @pawn2393! Before you make this final decision, both of our nominees get one more chance to sway your vote and plead their case. @ashleaevans, you’re up first.”

@ashleaevans: “You know how much I adore you, and I respect you infinitely. I have faith once again in your decision, and I know our deal will hold true. There’s no way you’d choose to sit next to @shaolinbynature in the end, and I have complete faith that we’ll honor our deal and be the final 2.”

@shaolinbynature: “If you want a shot at winning, you’ll take me. I’ve pissed those people off; the only one @ashleaevans has pissed off is @kaysarswhore, and you’ll have that vote against me too. I am telling you straight up, do not screw this up. Put him on jury and secure his vote too.”

Arisa: “When you’re ready, please stand and cast your vote to evict.”

@pawn2393: “I am so sorry about this, but I have played this game a certain way and I can’t change now. There’s no way I can be in final 2 with you. I vote to evict...

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Arisa: “Come on out, @shaolinbynature!”

Arisa: “So close! Where did you go wrong??”

@shaolinbynature: “Not winning an extra comp! I knew I was screwed when I lost, there was no convincing @pawn2393. I’m pissed that I’m not still in there”

Arisa: “If you had won, who would you have taken with you?”

@shaolinbynature: “Oh @pawn2393 without a doubt. They’ve been floating this entire game, and @ashleaevans definitely has some jury votes on his side. That was an easy choice.”

Arisa: “Well, we are so sad to see you fall just short of the finish line, but we have a winner to crown! Let’s bring out the rest of the jury for jury questioning!

When @phylisisley sees @shaolinbynature, she immediately tears up, and both of them hug for the first time in weeks. No one really looks excited to see @ashleaevans and @pawn2393 as the final 2.

@nomwastaken: “My question is for @pawn2393. We were in an alliance together, and yet you chose to go against it in favor of who you’re sitting with. Why did you do that, and do you feel bad?”

@pawn2393: “I did it because I knew the alliance would only protect me for so long. I was at the bottom of that totem pole after you left, and there was nothing I could do about it. I did my best to play both sides so that no one would see me as a threat and take out my allies before they take out me. Leaving the alliance was one of the best decisions I made in the game, and I stand by it 100%”

@lahallucinations: “My question is for @ashleaevans. @kaysarswhore was a prime target for weeks, yet you failed to take her out. Why should I vote for you when you couldn’t convince people to vote out a threat like her?”

@ashleaevans: “I did my best and fought my hardest. There was no convincing people once their minds were made up in this house. It took me winning two separate HOHs to finally be able to vote her out, and I’m proud that she went out on my HOH.”

@kelleekim: “My question is for @pawn2393. Why should I vote for you when you were furniture most of the season? I didn’t see you make any real moves, and most of the jury agrees.”

@pawn2393: “That was my strategy, to hide all of my moves from you all. I worked with the Block Destroyers and cultivated a secret relationship with @ashleaevans at the same time. This protected me during the double and after that. I was the voice in every HOHs ear when they were nominating, and I was the puppeteer the whole time. You not recognizing that means my strategy worked.”

@kaysarswhore: “My question is for @ashleaevans. I think we all know where my vote is going tonight, but I want to ask what your biggest move in this game was, other than taking me out.”

@ashleaevans: “My biggest move was using chaos as my friend. Shifting the target off my back by throwing it on other people was good for me, and I did it multiple times. I did it with you, I did it with all the members of the big alliance. My biggest move was getting in fights, and I stand by all of them.”

@shaolinbynature: “My question is for @pawn2393. I won 5 HOHs, and I can’t remember you being in my ear. Whose ear were you in, like you said you were?”

@pawn2393: “Well, I was in @ashleaevans‘s ear and @kaysarswhore‘s ear for the most part, but me being tight with both sides of the house influenced your decisions too. I disagree that I wasn’t in your ear, because you never put me up.”

Arisa: “That’s all the jury questions we have! Now it’s time for the final pleas.”

@ashleaevans: “I have played this game hard. I knew I had a target on my back from the beginning, and I knew that I had to play. I won competitions and took out threats to my game. I made strategic moves with who I talked to and interacted with to ensure that I’d be sitting here. I couldn’t have done it without @pawn2393, but my game was my own. Vote for me, because I deserve this.”

@pawn2393: “I played a quiet game, yes, but I also played an effective one. No one in here considered me a threat, and I made it to the end virtually scratch free. I won at the end when my safety was dependent on it, and I voted out the biggest comp beast this game has ever seen. I controlled others’ HOHs throughout the season, and I played this damn game. I have proven that I am a BB great, and I deserve this title.”

Arisa: “Alright jury! Time to vote!”

@shaolinbynature votes for @ashleaevans to win. She respects the game he’s played, and knows that every move he made was to advance in the game.

@phylisisley does the same. She respects the fact that @ashleaevans never lost sight of the prize, and played hard.

@kaysarswhore votes for @pawn2393. She would never cast her vote for @ashleaevans to win, and is happy to hopefully see a Block Destroyer win the game.

@nerdphobic feels the same way. He wants a Block Destroyer to win, and genuinely feels like @pawn2393 played the better game.

@nomwastaken feels differently. He knows that @ashleaevans was the one who took him out, and he’ll be damned if he goes out at the hands of anyone but the winner.

@misshoh also wants @ashleaevans to win this. She believes @pawn2393​ made two fatal mistakes by having the opportunity to vote out @ashleaevans​ and failing to. She wants to show him the error of his ways.

@lahallucinations​ disagrees, and thinks @pawn2393​ deserves to win. She doesn’t respect the loud game that @ashleaevans​ played, and wants to see a quiet assassin win.

And if anyone respects quiet games, it’s @kelleekim​. He votes for @pawn2393​ to win as well, because quiet players stick together.

The vote is 4-4. @remember-caltoru​ is the deciding vote, and will determine the winner.

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@remember-caltoru​ votes for @ashleaevans​ to win. He recognizes that he had the balls to play hard, and respects that immensely. He respects someone who isn’t afraid to speak their mind.

Which means!!!

Congratulations king!! Certified Legend!!

BUT THERE’S MORE!

For the past two weeks, America has been voting for who they want to be America’s Favorite Player and receive a cash prize of $25,000! And the winner of AFP is...

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@misshoh​! Keep throwing pizza rolls, bc they love it!

That’s it for this BBSim! This was so much fun to write, and I hope y’all enjoyed it! I don’t think I’ll do another one any time soon, but thank you all for playing!!

Here are the stats for the season!

[rogerslovesstark]

Me and You, Forever

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warning: Angst, Fluff

Words: 3k

Disclaimer: literally my longest fic. 

You and Bucky first met during Hydra in late 2012, they had you working on a new super-soldier program, however, you were unaware of the true use of the tech because they had kept you in the dark. Once you heard Bucky screaming in the lab, his handlers wiping his memory again, you realized that you needed to help him.

While you couldn’t get him out of the facility, you brought him apple slices and tangerines sometimes other times you brought chamomile tea. One day you were tasked with reprogramming his arm after one of his missions, he had been freshly wiped and you were anxious about his reaction towards you.

“Soldat, it's me,” You whispered to not startle him, a cup of tea in one hand, for him. His back was facing you, the broadness of his back, the red scars along his back, especially around his shoulder. You pitied the poor man, he had no choice in any of this.

He slowly turned around to face you, a blank face and dead eyes. The blank grey walls, mattress on the floor, a door in the left corner of his room, a small barred window with little sunlight, the harsh florescent lights, a single chair, his room was depressing, to say the least.

“I’m here to reprogram your arm, this is some tea for you,” You say softly to keep from triggering him. He stays still and just stares at you. You look into his eyes and you see that he is watching you with curiosity and familiarity. You slowly walk towards him, all the equipment already in the room from previous officers bringing them in after wiping him.

He finally sat in his chair and watched as you moved around the room, you handed him his tea and started to set up the equipment. You turned to look at him and he was staring at the tea in his hand. You raise an eyebrow at him in question.

“You put something in this tea, that’s why you gave it to me,” He grumbles and puts the tea on the floor, in front of him. You walk towards the tea and he tenses up, sitting up straight, hands quickly forming fists. You put your hands up as a sign of peace, you wouldn’t do any harm to him.

You pick up the tea and take a large sip out of the cup, swallowing, and then opening your mouth to show him the tea had been swallowed. You felt hurt that he would think that you would ever harm him, however, all his handlers had harmed him so he wouldn’t know who to trust.

“I’m not here to hurt you Soldat, I know they hurt you, and I want to help you, but I can’t get you out of here because you are their asset and they would realize that you went missing, so I try to bring a small sense of comfort to you,” You say walking slowly towards him until you’re in front of him.

He watches you with eyes filled with curiosity, none of this made sense to him, why weren’t you hurting him, were you going to use him for something else, perhaps a mission of your own. He ran through all the scenarios in his head of what you possibly want from him. You hadn’t moved from where you were, just stretching your hand out for him to take the teacup. He reluctantly takes it.

You quickly get to work and stay through most of the night fixing his arm, he never moves, only lifting his arm to take a sip of his tea. You smell like vanilla and roses, your skin soft and face so pretty. He feels his heart thump in his chest as your hand brushes along his scars accidentally. You hadn’t tried anything all night. Just humming a soft tune and working on the arm.

+++++++

Another two weeks had passed, you continually brought him books to read, tea for sleeping, small meaningless talks to keep him company. You snuck into his room every night for your 30 minutes of lunch. The two of you wouldn’t really speak, you would just read to him and try to help him remember whatever Hydra wiped away.

“Why do you work for them?” He asked quietly, scared that the handlers would realize that you were in here when you weren’t supposed to be. You smile softly at him, squeezing one of his knees.

“I don’t, they forced me to work for them, my father did and he told them that I studied engineering in school, so they told me that I would work for them or they would kill my father, so here I am.” You whispered, staring into his icy blue eyes, wondering what he was thinking.

“They ended up killing him anyway, so it didn’t matter what I chose,”

++++

“What’s your name?” He asked you a week later. You looked up at him, smiling a toothy smile.

“Y/n,” You say, waiting for him to tell you his name. He just nods and returns to reading his book. Your eyebrows furrow and you sit up from the mattress.

“What’s your name?” You ask him, his eyebrows scrunch together and a deep frown sets into his face. His eyes become blank and your heart breaks after what he says.

“I don’t know”

++++

“Wipe him again, we need him for the assassination” Pierce booms, The Asset's face was blank but you could tell by his eyes that. Pierce was a cold son of a bitch who didn’t care for anyone except Hydra. Once you tried to explain to him that The Asset couldn’t go into cryo because the new technology that was developed would be ineffective, he backhanded you in front of all the other officers.

You never refer to them as co-workers, or friends, just officers. You were being held here against your will for the past 3 years. You didn’t want this, you wanted to live and see your family again. You were only allowed out of the facility with an officer by your side, once a week for 8 hours max. You and the Asset were both victims of Hydra.

++++

“I’ve developed something, it's for you” You whisper to him, you’ve been meeting for the past 9 months and this awkward friendship has begun to blossom. He would go into cryo for only a week, and you were always so lonely. So one week, you develop an algorithm that would reverse the brain wipe for him, not completely, just whatever was recently erased.

“What is it?” He asked curiously.

You began to explain that algorithm to him, trying to get him to understand that this would help him, not hurt him, but he didn’t understand.

“No, get out, you just want to hurt me, get out,” He seethes at you. You work for them, he still isn’t sure if he can trust you yet. Sure you bring tea, and read books, spend 30 minutes with him every day, which he looks forward to every single day; can you be trusted though?

“Soldat, please,” You begin to put a hand of his nonmetal shoulder. It happened so quickly you didn’t even realize what happens until you felt pain radiate down your back. He had dislocated your shoulder and pinned you to the floor. Tears sprung into your eyes and a sob rips from your throat as the pain becomes too much to handle.

You feel like you can’t move, he watches from above you, not knowing what to do, but seeing you crying and in pain is breaking his heart, he regrets putting his hands on you immediately.

“I-I-I-I’m s-sorry,” He whispers to you, you were cradling your arm in your hand and you rush to the door, trying to get away from him as quickly as possible. Before he could go to you, you were out the door.

“No, please don’t go…” He whispers.

++++

He doesn’t see you for almost two weeks and he is beginning to go insane. No more small talks, no more tea, no more apple slices or tangerines, no more reading to him, no more trying to explain some mathematical theory to him even if he doesn’t understand the concept. He just loved listening to the sound of your voice, your sweet presence in his room, even for those limited 30 minutes.

He had begun to spiral, having nightmares about hurting you, the one person who was kind to him while they were all so cruel. You, so sweet and cute, being so nice to him, just gone, you avoided him at all costs. Relocating your shoulder back into your socket was by far the most painful experience of your life.

You worked in the lab most of the time, and the 30 minutes that you had free, you still stayed in the lab. You missed him, but you were too scared of him right now, he had hurt you badly and you were horrified of him right now.

++++

Captain America had taken down Hydra 3 months later. You were finally free. You went to go to your family's home, only to find no one there, except a note that took you to a gravesite, two graves side by side, your mother, and your father. Both had the same exact death dates. You cried at their graves for 2 hours, mourning the loss of both of your parents.

He watched you from afar, watching you cry was breaking his heart, but he was so happy to see you were okay. He hadn’t seen you since the day the hurt you, still regretting what he had done, he walks over to you.

“Y/n?” You heard a voice whisper. Your head snaps up to see his beautiful blue eyes. You cry even harder when he falls to his knees and hugs you to his chest, whispering sweet nothings into your ear as you continue sobbing into his shirt.

“Come on,” He whispers.

++++

You figure out his name at the Smithsonian. James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky was his nickname. Reading everything he had done during the war, he felt like a fraud, knowing all the horrible things he had done. You walk through the museum hand in hand, he was all you had.

“Him, that was the guy who I fought,” Bucky said lowly, trying to maintain his cover. The blonde man staring back at him, Bucky felt anxious looking at his photograph, ‘Steve’ had been his best friend and they were both 95 because of some freak experiments done on them.

“We need to get out of this country,” Bucky whispered in your ear. You look up at him, not realizing that you were both slowly leaning towards each other until you felt his breath on your face. He looked for your lips to your eyes, silently asking for permission to kiss you.

You placed your lips against his soft ones, molding together and you put your hands slowly against his scruffy cheeks, cupping his face. He brings his hands to the middle of your back, holding you close to him, he didn’t know what he was doing but he went along with whatever you were doing.

You slide your tongue across his lower lips, asking for permission, and he grants it, tongues twisting around each other, your hands go up into his hair in fists and his flesh hand comes up to your neck and squeezes softly, not to hurt you, but to show you who is in control.

You pull away breathless and you smile at him, feeling a little dizzy from the small takeout you just had.

His heart was beating a little quicker looking at your now swollen lips, still tasting you on his lips, he pulls you back towards him, placing his lips on you, arms wrapped around you, pressing you against his chest.

You pull away from Bucky when you hear some kids yelling “EWWW” from across the exhibit. Bucky grabs your hand and pulls you out of the museum.

++++

You and Bucky found a cheap apartment in Romania, even though you didn’t know the language, Bucky taught you. Both of you would sit on the balcony, you in his lap, and read to him as you did a few years ago. He would play with your hair and constantly place kisses on your shoulder, always apologizing for hurting you and that he would never do it again.

You smile at him, you had been in Romania for almost 2 years now, and for the past two years, you had both fallen madly in love with each other. You were Bucky’s solace, his sweetheart, the light of his dark light.

Everything you did, Bucky swore you were more of an angel than you were before. You could do no wrong, and Bucky was your happy place, cute little jokes, watching movies on the CD player you found, getting him caught up on the new time. You pitied him whenever you would make a reference joke and he would just look at you confused and lost.

You got a job teaching math at an elementary school and Bucky got a job at a lumber yard. You called him your lumberjack and he would always chuckle and kiss your forehead. The small apartment was home, even if you were tight on money.

You were teaching when another teacher had come in to show you the newsreels. Your heart drops to the pit of your stomach. Your Bucky, he wouldn’t do that, there was no way, how could he have bombed a building in Germany when he went to get plums at the market. Once the school day was over, you rushed to your apartment, only to find it a huge mess.

You couldn’t open the door, the table you had just bought was jammed into the door, you managed to climb over it and saw the mess inside your apartment, horrified, but

Where was Bucky?

Bucky was calm in his cell, thinking of the wonderful two years he had with you. He wrote a quick note before they got him, hoping you would find it under the sheets of your small bed.

You begin to start cleaning everything up, tears streaming down your face because you didn’t know what happens to Bucky, shaking the bed sheets you see a small piece of paper.

N/n, it wasn’t me, stay there, I’ll be home soon. I love you always - Your Bucky

You start heavily sobbing, not knowing the next time you’re going to see him again. Your Bucky, taken by the police, wrongly accused of something he didn’t do.

++++

After three days, your apartment was back in tiptop shape, like nothing ever happen. Your bed was cold every night, you missed Bucky’s warmth, even if his metal arm was cold, you still managed. Trying to desperately fall asleep because you had to go to work tomorrow, you hear rapid knocking on your door.

You grab a knife from the kitchen and slowly walk to the door, only to reveal Captain America waiting for you. You were so shocked that you dropped the knife and stood staring at him.

“Hi, I’m Steve, Bucky’s friend, he’s asking for you,” Steve said calmly. You reached up and smacked him on his cheek. His face was shocked, to say the least.

“That’s for Germany,”

++++

“Baby,” Bucky says once he sees you come off the plane Steve trailing behind you. Bucky runs as fast as he could towards you. Four days without you were like hell for Bucky, only you could bring him the comfort he needs now more than ever. He remembers everything, all of the kills, every brain wipe, the pain of waking up with a detached limb.

You run into his hug and breathe in his masculine smell. Four days without your lover being around felt so sickening. You hug him so tightly, and he walks back towards the palace, only stopping to let you say hello to the king and thanking him for everything he was doing for the two of you.

You get a nice room in the palace, a beautiful view of one of the most advanced cities in the world. Bucky barely lets you have a look around the place before he takes you to bed and ravishes you till the sun rises.

++++

“Wheres the fight?” Bucky asks T’Challa. You see a metal arm in a box and immediately know what is about to happen. You walk over to Bucky and pull him back towards the hut, smiling and waving at T’Challa. Once inside, you hug him tightly to you, knowing he was going to be very upset to have to fight again.

“You don’t have to, you know?” You whisper into his ear, running your hand over his sweaty dirty hair. He just stands there, arm around your waist holding you close.

“You need a shower, your hair is so oily, it's disgusting,” You say to him. He just rolls his eyes and kisses your lips chastely.

++++

“Bucky? Baby? Where are you?” You say after opening your eyes. You felt kind of dizzy and weird, like everything felt so strange. A huge portal opened up suddenly and you scream. What the fuck is going on?

“Babe, come on,” You see Bucky on the other side. You jump through and hug him, you look around to see so many people surrounding you.

“Buck, what is happening?”

Then you hear Steve scream, “Avengers… Assemble”

++++

The war was over. Both of you were gone for five years and you didn’t even notice. Tony and Natasha were gone, Steve went back to the 40s and left Bucky here. That might have hurt him the most. You could tell that he was hurting at the idea of Steve leaving, not staying with him and being the one person who could really relate to him.

Bucky held you close, not wanting to let you go and Steve talked to Sam. You felt his throat bobbing and you turned to cup his face, his eyes watery. Bucky couldn’t contain himself, feeling like he wasn’t enough for anyone.

“Please don’t leave me, you’re all I have left,” He whispered into your ear. Tears well up in your eyes, you hug him as tight as possible.

“Never, me and you, forever,” You smile at him and kiss him. It would all be okay in the end.

[theycallmegothboy]

1-100 >:DDDD REVENGE!!!

FELIXXXXXXXXXXXX >:(( 1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  -spotify  2. is your room messy or clean? -it’s pretty messy i guess  3. what color are your eyes? -blue and grey

4. do you like your name? why? -yeah it’s fine 5. what is your relationship status? -single 6. describe your personality in 3 words or less -certified intrusive thot 7. what color hair do you have? -brown and rn it’s red 8. what kind of car do you drive? color? -i dont have a car 9. where do you shop? -hot topic, goodwill, target 10. how would you describe your style? -comfy emo 11. favorite social media account -of mine, probably discord or youtube 12. what size bed do you have? -twin >:(( 13. any siblings? -i have 1.5 brothers  14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? -probably vancouver, idk canada seems lit 15. favorite snapchat filter? -i like the one with devil horns and a tail but its cute 16. favorite makeup brand(s) -i dont wear makeup 17. how many times a week do you shower? -i used to shower every day, but i dont do anything that gets me dirty so like maybe 3 times but if i leave the house then i shower 18. favorite tv show? -stranger things 19. shoe size?  -8 or 9 20. how tall are you? -5′6 with shoes >:(( 21. sandals or sneakers? -sneakers wtf 22. do you go to the gym? -lol no 23. describe your dream date -making some pie or something together and then eating the pie and then sitting on some rooftop looking at stars 24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? -quite a bit actually but i’m saving up for a phone lol so soon it will be like maybe 10 dollars lmao 25. what color socks are you wearing? -not wearing socks but the ones i had earlier were white (ankle length) 26. how many pillows do you sleep with? -just one but it sucks 27. do you have a job? what do you do? -NO BUT IM TRYING TO GET A JOB BUT THE FUCKIN PEOPLE THERE ARE GHOSTING ME AND WONT REPLY TO MY EMAILS SO LIKE SBJHBJS 28. how many friends do you have? -like 4 lmao 29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? -idk nothing super bad but i do a lot of small shit that makes me feel guilty when i realize what i did 30. whats your favorite candle scent? -juniper rosewood 31. 3 favorite boy names -leo, clay, charlie 32. 3 favorite girl names -ivy, uh... idk thats all ive got 33. favorite actor? -no clue 34. favorite actress? -no clue 35. who is your celebrity crush? -not a celeb but i’d smash danny phantom 36. favorite movie? -nightmare before christmas or edward scissorhands 37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? -no, but my fav book is probably the prince and the pauper? idk 38. money or brains? -CASH MONEYYYY jk probably brains but if your entire personality is being “smart” like fuck off lmao   39. do you have a nickname? what is it? - a bunch of people call me son (see #49, #100), some call me rat, dumdum, goth boy

40.how many times have you been to the hospital? -just once i think when i was birthed. i also went once with my brother cause he kicked some scissors i left out on the floor and it sliced his toe the fuck open and he needed stitches and i watched him get the stitches and almost passed out :/ 41. top 10 favorite songs -please dont make me do this i dont have it in me 42. do you take any medications daily? -yea i take 20mg of vyvanse but i need to get it raised to 30 cause 20 is Not Enough 43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) -i got some dry fuckin skin yall dont even know 44. what is your biggest fear?  -it depends. the dark is a pretty constant one though 45. how many kids do you want? -like 2 or 3 eventually 46. whats your go to hair style? -in my face, looking stupid 47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)  -it’s pretty small 48. who is your role model? -i dont fuckin know lmao  49. what was the last compliment you received? - “i belive in you, my son, you’re an amazing human being“ (same friend mentioned in #100, not actually a parent of mine) 50. what was the last text you sent? -”no it’s a raccoon“ YOU GET NO CONTEXT LMAO 51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? -i dont think i ever hardcore believed in him, maybe i did though i remember sleeping under the tree one christmas eve waiting for him but i was like “oh yeah that makes sense“ i guess 52. what is your dream car?  -i honestly dont give a shit as long as it actually fucking works 53. opinion on smoking? -cigarettes? fuck no that’s nastyyy. weed? that’s fine i guess but wait till you’re like 18.  54. do you go to college? -no. am sophomore n highschool 55. what is your dream job?  -musician/palentologist 56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?  -fuck the suburbs lmao, but also im tired of rural, so like.. semi urban?? 57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?  -no but i take the little soaps >:)) 58. do you have freckles?  -yes 59. do you smile for pictures? -awkwardly, yes 60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?  -dont have a phone but i have like 12 on my computer currently. 4 are of me, the rest are of my cat or random shit 61. have you ever peed in the woods?  -yes 62. do you still watch cartoons?  -cartoons these days kinda suck but like if they were good fuck yeah i would like gravity falls can come hang yknow? 63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? -i had nuggets from mcdonalds today so i guess them? i dont really care 64. Favorite dipping sauce?  -i got sweet and sour but i dont like it that much. that schezuan sauce was great 65. what do you wear to bed?  -wouldnt you like to know? ;))  66. have you ever won a spelling bee?  -NO ive only been in two. the first one i misspelled the word “turmoil“ cause i had never heard it before and the second one i spelled the word “owed“ as “ode“ cause i was thinking like ode to joy and then i felt like a big Fool afterwards :(( 67. what are your hobbies? -lol what hobbies 68. can you draw?  -i am physically able to draw, but not well, no 69 (haha). do you play an instrument? -yeah i play a few 70. what was the last concert you saw?  -i saw Chicago in either georgia or tennessee i cant remember in like 2016 71. tea or coffee? -hot coffee, iced tea. NOT the other way around. (i love both though) 72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? -starbucks 73. do you want to get married? -sure why not 74. what is your crush’s first and last initial? -dont have a crush 75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?  -idk maybe 76. what color looks best on you?  -i dont know but i wear black a lot and that’s pretty dope 77. do you miss anyone right now? -yeah  78. do you sleep with your door open or closed? -closed 79. do you believe in ghosts? -on the fence. not 100% “oh my god look at these gHoSt oRbS i need to sage my house!!!“ but i accept that there’s some things i wont understand about the world and that i have no answers to. i wouldnt be surprised if there are, and i wouldnt be surprised if there aren’t. 80. what is your biggest pet peeve? -whatever my adhd decides i viscerally hate with a firey passion right at that moment  81. last person you called -my brother (the 1 of the 1.5 from #13 and the one who sliced his toe in #40) 82. favorite ice cream flavor?  -chocolate is dope 83. regular oreos or golden oreos?  -regular double stuff. if you say golden, mint, peppermint, or thin oreos i’m gonna have to euthanize you, i dont make the rules.  84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? -rainbow cause it’s prettier  85. what shirt are you wearing?  -queen shirt from hot topic 86. what is your phone background? -i didnt get a phone between question 60 and now but my computer one is some mountains with the moon in the background 87. are you outgoing or shy? -really depends on who i’m around 88. do you like it when people play with your hair? -YES FUCK AAAAAAA (this girl played with my hair literally once in middle school and i was like oh shit and i had a crush on her until the end of middle school true story,,, so ashley if you’re out there-) 89. do you like your neighbors? -to the left they’re fine and their dog is nice but idk what happened to the horses so that’s sus but that’s where our cat came from so they can hang  guess, behind me they’re fine but their boys are loud, to the right they’re fine, and even further to the right are the dope neighbors and waaaaaaaaaay far to the right is a llama and he’s dope as hell 90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? -whenever the fuck i remember to/have the energy 91. have you ever been high?  -i dont think so but i wouldnt put it past myself 92. have you ever been drunk?  -not that i can remember, no 93. last thing you ate?  -sloppy joe from a can 94. favorite lyrics right now -”not gonna waste my life, cause i’ve been fucked up“ 95. summer or winter?  -fall. fuck you 96. day or night?  -night but i like it when it’s actually night and it doesnt get dark at like 4 fucking pm cause that makes me depressed 97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? -dark is good, milk is fine, white is only suitable for fancy stripes on chocolate covered strawberries 98. favorite month?  -i vibe with september 99. what is your zodiac sign -sagittarius (was almost a scorpio but i was holding out >:))) 100. who was the last person you cried in front of?  -in person, my mom like 6 months ago, on a discord call, my friend (i love you by the way, you’re the best,,, i dont think he has tumblr but im just putting it out there) like a month or so ago. i hate crying in front of people, i turn into such a hyperventilating snot monster which is not suitable for human gaze and thats the real tea :/

felix this took like 2 hours of my life i will never get back i hate you and i hope you’re happy with what you’ve done <3 <3

also anyone who wants to stalk me, enjoy this information that im handing to you on a silver platter :)) <3

[reading-writing-revolution]

Heather Cox Richardson:

December 9, 2020 (Wednesday)

Today’s big story remains the loss of our neighbors to Covid-19. Today, our official death count passed the number of those killed in the 9-11 attacks. On that horrific day in 2001, we lost 2977 people to four terrorist attacks. Today, official reports showed 3,140 deaths from Covid-19, the highest single-day toll so far. Hospitals are overwhelmed, our health care workers exhausted.

As the country suffers, Trump has launched a new approach in his attempt to steal the 2020 election. While he has previously insisted that he actually won, and that his “win” must be recognized, this morning he tweeted simply “OVERTURN.” Republican leaders have ducked the question of Trump’s refusal to acknowledge Joe Biden’s win in the election by saying that the president has a right to challenge an election through legal means. Few of them commented on this new attack on our democracy.

Instead, the Republican attorneys general of seventeen states supported a lawsuit Texas has asked the Supreme Court’s permission to file against Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin, suing them over their voting processes. A majority of voters in those four states voted for Biden, thus giving him their state’s electoral votes and the presidency. The states that want to sue are all Republican-majority states. They are hoping they can get the Supreme Court to allow them to sue, and that it will then agree with their complaint and throw out the votes from those states so the Republican legislatures there can then choose their own electors and give the win to Trump.

Astonishingly, this argument comes from the party that claims to oppose “judicial activism.”

The states that have declared their support for Texas’s lawsuit are: Missouri, Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Indiana, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, and West Virginia. They are essentially asking the Supreme Court to disfranchise the majority in the United States and to let them put their chosen president in the White House. This assault on American principles is breathtaking.

Trump has also filed a motion to join Texas’s lawsuit in his personal capacity as a presidential candidate. His lawyer says that he “seeks to have the votes cast in the Defendant States unlawfully for his opponent to be deemed invalid.” Tonight, at a White House Hanukkah party, Trump told the crowd that with the help of “certain very important people, if they have wisdom and if they have courage, we are going to win this election.” The attendees chanted “four more years.”

Legal experts say this case is a non-starter. University of Texas Law Professor Steve Vladeck writes, “It is lacking in actual evidence; it is deeply cynical; it evinces stunning disrespect for both the role of the courts in our constitutional system and of the states in our elections; and it is doomed to fail.”

But the fact that Republican leaders have accepted, rather than condemned, this attempt to overturn a legitimate election says they are willing to destroy American democracy in order to stay in power. On CNN tonight, former Ohio Governor John Kasich, a Republican himself, called the lawmakers supporting Trump’s attack on democracy “morally and ethically bankrupt.”

Republicans might be stoking attacks on our electoral system because they know the courts will shut them down. After all, Trump’s lawyers are currently 1-51 in court, and it is unlikely the Supreme Court will take up Texas’s lawsuit. So siding with Trump is a cheap way for leaders to avoid alienating his voters when they will want those voters in 2022.

But they are playing a deeply cynical and wildly dangerous game. Yesterday, the official Twitter account of the Arizona Republican Party asked followers if they were willing to die to overturn the election, then posted a clip from the film “Rambo” in which the main character is threatening someone’s life, saying “This is what we do, who we are. Live for nothing, or die for something.”

Today, talk show host Rush Limbaugh told his listeners that they are, in fact, still a majority but they are plagued with “RINOs” who are selling them out. “I actually think that we’re trending toward secession,” he said. “I see more and more people asking what in the world do we have in common with the people who live in, say, New York? What is there that makes us believe that there is enough of us there to even have a chance at winning New York? Especially if you’re talking about votes….” (New York City has more people than 40 of the 50 states.) He went on: “There cannot be a peaceful coexistence of two completely different theories of life, theories of government, theories of how we manage our affairs. We can’t be in this dire a conflict without something giving somewhere along the way.”

The theme of civil war, and of America tearing itself apart, was one pushed hard by Russian operatives in 2018. On Twitter, “Civil War” trended today. An actual civil war is highly unlikely, but the unwillingness of leaders to stop this language is already leading to death threats against election officials. The longer they permit it to go on, the worse things will get.

Republicans are working to undermine the incoming Democratic administration in other ways, too. Last week, Attorney General William Barr announced that he appointed U.S. Attorney John Durham as special counsel in October to investigate the FBI agents who worked on the investigation into Russia’s interference in the 2016 election. While the law about special counsels says they must come from outside the government, Barr claims to have found a loophole in that rule. Durham can be fired only for specific reasons such as conflict of interest or misconduct. Senate Judiciary Chairman Lindsey Graham (R-SC) applauded the appointment and the continuation of the investigation.

Today Biden’s son Hunter told the media that he has just learned that he is under investigation by the Department of Justice for tax issues, although CNN suggested it is a much wider financial investigation than that, and that it began in 2018. The Justice Department is also investigating a company related to Joe Biden’s brother James. While the DOJ is supposed to be independent of the president, these investigations echo Trump’s own calls for such investigations. Immediately Representative Ken Buck (R-CO) called for a special counsel to investigate Hunter Biden, and tonight, Trump tweeted that “10% of voters would have changed their vote if they knew about Hunter Biden…. But I won anyway!”

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) told Fox News Channel personality Laura Ingraham today that Representative Eric Swalwell (D-CA) should be “removed from Congress” after an Axios report that a Chinese intelligence operative had worked to ingratiate herself with California lawmakers between 2011 and 2015. The operative targeted a number of politicians, including Swalwell, and she fundraised on his behalf, but there is no evidence she broke any laws. In 2015, FBI officers alerted Swalwell, who immediately cut all ties to her. He was never accused of any wrongdoing. The operative left the country unexpectedly during the FBI investigation.

Although the Axios story was about Chinese espionage, right-wing media is aflame with attacks on Swalwell in what seems an attempt to discredit a Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee. Don Jr. tweeted that Swalwell “was literally sleeping with a Chinese spy,” an allegation that is nowhere in the story, although the story mentions that two unidentified midwestern mayors had affairs with her.

The White House appears to be trying to sabotage the Biden administration not only by keeping the Biden team from information it needs, but by tying its hands and slowing it down. The day after the election, the Trump administration proposed a new rule requiring the new Department of Health and Human Services appointees to review most of the department’s regulations by 2023. The rule would automatically kill any regulations that haven’t been reviewed by then. This would mean that, just as the new administration is trying to fight the coronavirus, it would be slammed with administrative paperwork. The department’s chief of staff denies the unusual move is political, saying that a review is necessary because one hasn’t been done for 40 years.

Now that the transition process has finally started, Trump loyalists are blocking meetings, or sitting in on them to monitor what is being said, especially at the Environmental Protection Agency. At Voice of America, Trump’s appointed head, Michael Pack, has refused to give meetings or records to Biden’s team. For their part, Biden’s transition folks are avoiding fights in order to get whatever information they can.

Republican senators are also signaling that they intend to delay confirmations on Biden’s nominees, although in the past 95% of Cabinet nominees have had hearings before an inauguration, and 84% of those were approved within three days. Senator John Cornyn (R-TX), for example, questioned the experience of Biden’s nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, Xavier Becerra. Becerra is the Attorney General of California, and he sat on the House Committee on Ways and Means, which oversees health issues, during his 24 years in Congress. “I don’t know what his Health and Human Services credentials are,” Cornyn told The Hill. It’s not like [Trump’s HHS Secretary] Alex Azar, who worked for pharma and had a health care background.”

[thessalian]

Thess vs False Comparisons

So there was this post someone reblogged - someone tweeting about the horrors of restaurant jobs. Which is fair. Except for the bit where he compared it to office jobs. And stated that office jobs were, “noodling around online trying to get a couple of things done before five, pays like 100k a year”.

BITCH, PLEASE.

At least understand that there are different kinds of office jobs, in different fields. The above? The noodling around online thing? That’s a corporate executive. High flight PAs don’t even make that much.

I have an office job. Here is what my office job looks like (at least in times when we’re not really slow due to COVID):

“Typing fast enough, for long enough stretches, to literally cripple to keep up with backlog - typing involves really bad handwriting and/or really difficult accents. Still be expected to pick up the phone and deal with the people who no one else wants to deal with. Also getting emails with yet more fiddly tasks to do. All this on substandard budget computer hardware, software relying on three incompatible databases on an OS that’s been out of date for over a decade, office furniture that hasn’t been replaced since the Thatcher era and is the ergonomic equivalent of a torture chamber. Getting crippled by the furniture or workload or both too often or for too long gets you fired. Ask your boss for money or even time off and they call you rude.”

Not all office jobs are created equal, same as not all restaurant jobs are created equal. Manager and owner are technically restaurant jobs, after all. Secretaries are the waitstaff of the office environment. We get paid a little more, largely because we don’t get tipped, but for fuck’s sake, it’s not that much.

Basically, if you’re going to punch up with this kind of thing, be specific so you’re not punching sideways. I wouldn’t be waitstaff. I could not handle it. I freely admit that. But office work is 95% bullshit and the only thing we’ve got on that is that we’re sitting down (though with some of the chairs I’ve had, that’s not always a plus) and we make a bit more than minimum wage.

This is what I mean when I say that secretaries are basically cryptids. We are invisible. We do invisible things. People think our jobs are easy because it’s sitting at a desk. The mental stress alone when the work’s piling up and you know you can’t get it all done in time no matter how hard you push - or you think you might be able to and then someone dumps a half-hour’s worth of fiddly bullshit onto your desk and expects you to drop everything to deal with it - or you manage to get two weeks’ worth of work done in one and then have to spend most of the weekend flat on your back in agony and still end up mainlining painkillers because the stress already pushed you to health issues a few times this month and HR is starting to snarl at you...

I respect the people who work as service staff, because I am service staff. I just do most of it over the phone or on a computer. That doesn’t make it less stressful, less painful, or less badly compensated. I just get a different type of abuse. That doesn’t make it ‘better’.