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soranis-sunshadow · 4 years

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Why Hordak and all of his brothers are cult victims suffering from Religious Trauma Syndrome

A detailed (and very, very, veeeeryy long) explanation on why I take issue with dismissing Hordak’s trauma as “daddy issues” that is frequently done as a way to hand wave his background and the context for his actions all while attributing said cultic abuse and indoctrination narrative to a character that, though has a tragic, abuse-laden past has never actually been part of a cult. *cough* Catra *cough*

Lets see how deep the rabit hole goes shall we?

First off: The Galactic Horde is based on a suicide cult, with Horde Prime as its leader.

That is irrefutable fact. It has been stated by the show runner and there are plenty of in-show examples of religious speak, religious themes pertaining to Horde Prime and his acolytes and even the interior design of Horde Prime’s ship is that of a grandiose Cathedral.

The source of this is an article by Polygon where the show runner breaks down what went into creating Horde Prime. (link in the notes)

Onto The Etherian Horde – though totalitarian in nature, it is not a religious institution – merely a military operation. Though the argument could be made that propaganda is used to instill an anti-princess agenda, no horde members are ever seen spouting doctrine or discrimination against their very own Princess in the ranks – Scorpia. Not only is she not discriminated against, she holds the rank of Force Captain. She also has the respect of her peers.

The only person that seemed to have taken it seriously is Adora, who - due to Shadow Weaver’s personal attention – has been raised with the specific mindset of a self-sacrificing martyr. After learning of the fact that Shadow Weaver has always known about the Heart of Etheria, it is not a huge leap to assume that in her bid for more power, her plan had always been to have Adora unleash the planet’s magic, possibly sacrificing herself in the process. Shadow Weaver had groomed her for this specific purpose. (It’s one of the reasons for which the subject of Adora’s martyrdom hurts Catra so deeply –she had been witness to the manipulation taking place but was powerless to do anything about it for most of her life)

The other cadets are more well-adjusted and don’t seem to care much about the horde’s ideology or goals, not even Catra who has suffered the brunt of Shadow Weaver’s psychological and physical abuse and has been subjected to her manipulation too.

The above exchange proves that even if there had been any indoctrination in The Etherian Horde, it has failed in affecting Catra’s judgment. I am legitimately surprised on how little credit her own fans give her and on how her perceptiveness and intellect is dismissed to have her fit into this “brainwashed victim“ agenda for more “sympathy points”.

With that having been said I’ll start this off with a bit of a definition: Religious Trauma Syndrome is a common experience shared among many who have escaped cults, fundamentalist religious groups, abusive religious settings, or other painful experiences with religion.

The symptoms of Religious Trauma Syndrome are comparable to the symptoms of complex PTSD. The symptoms are as follows.

(link in the notes)

I will discuss all of the symptoms and causes by turn and expand upon them.

1) Cognitive: Confusion, poor critical thinking ability, difficulty with decision-making,

negative beliefs about self-ability & self-worth, black & white thinking, perfectionism,

Hordak’s whole misguided crusade on Etheria is an act of confusion. What on green Earth had ever convinced him that it would work in proving his worth to Prime? Hordak had been confused on the reason of his rejection, self-delusional even. Hear me out:

Despite what Hordak himself believes, he wasn’t excommunicated because he was useless, he was abandoned for being born defective, aka for existing as he was created.

His inborn defect, by nature of being an unchangeable fact was not something that he could overcome in order to earn back the acceptance of his Maker. To a certain degree, he was aware of this but had refused to acknowledge it and as such, he has framed it to himself as “his defect makes him worthless”.

By overcoming uselessness and proving his competence in furthering Prime’s goals, he had convinced himself that he would be welcome back into his brother’s flock.

He had convinced himself that by proving his usefulness, it would erase his defect. He had given himself a reason for rejection that, unlike an inborn one, could be overcome - worthlessness. His logic being that Worthless=Defective, if he were useful, he wouldn’t be defective anymore.

He has framed his accidental stranding on Etheria as a trial of faith, not a chance at freedom or bid for power and self-actualization.

In his confused reasoning, he had not realized that by attempting to prove his worth to Horde Prime, he would be in essence, proving that Prime had been mistaken about his deficiency. This was anathema to Horde Prime’s own doctrine – that Prime is all knowing, all powerful and Horde Prime is Never Wrong. His attempts were always destined to fail from the start, the premise was flawed at the core but Hordak’s own wishful thinking prevented him from seeing the fault in his mission.

This is how Hordak sees himself:

This defect => useless => worthless mentality can be observed when he projects onto Catra. I swear, everyone projects onto everyone else in this series.

This is an example of him emulating the only leadership he’s ever known - that of Horde Prime and exerting Prime’s judgment over a supplicant or Prime – In this case Catra (what Prime would have done to him in the same situation). He imitates Prime’s way of speaking and even his facial expression during Prime’s “speeches” (look at position of his ears in this scene and that little dimple damnit!!!)

(yes, *sigh* I did a spacebat ear position diagram)

Horde Prime has that ear position even when possessing his little brothers to give his grandiose speeches:

Hordak’s and other little brother’s “default” ear position:

It’s worth adding that perfectionism is not only part of a symptom of his cult trauma but also a tenant of Prime’s doctrine making it a double whammy.

2). Emotional: Depression, anxiety, anger, grief, loneliness, difficulty with pleasure, loss of meaning

As they say, a picture says a thousand words…

To call Hordak depressed is like calling the ocean mildly humid.

He is alone, on a planet of primitive aliens (from his perspective) surrounded by potential enemies and in an incredibly vulnerable position due to his illness with no clear end to any of it in sight. He feels nothing for this world other than irritation at his inability to leave it. His only meaning and purpose is returning to his congregation, a purpose he is no closer to fulfilling than he was when he had started a few decades ago. The only open displays of emotion he manifests are that of anger, self-loathing., frustration, fear – in the blanket scene before he comes to his senses completely and starts masking the fear with anger… at the blanket… there was nothing else in the room to be angry at… ridiculous spacebat.

After Catra deceives him about Entrapta, he openly manifests grief and apathy as well.

3). Social: Loss of social network, family rupture, social awkwardness, behind schedule on developmental tasks, sexual difficulty (no snu snu for religiously repressed spacebats... yet *wink wink*)

This one is self-explanatory. He is in essence an exile on Etheria, away from all he has ever known. He is the only one of his kind on the planet, even Imp - his attempt at replication is not a proper replacement for the community provided by the Hive mind.

From a social perspective- he is a recluse and is not seen interacting with anyone in anything but a “professional “ manner. The only exception to this is Entrapta’s interaction to him. Due to her indifference to his posturing, she is immune to his attempts at self-isolation. “Get out!” and vague threats of reprimands don’t work on her. Their shared interest in science allows Entrapta to force the interaction on him. (At least in the beginning of their collaboration)

Later, after having become accustomed to Entrapta’s companionship and having that ripped away, he tries to form a connection – at least of commiseration – with Catra:

Even after she did this to him:

he still tried to form a connection through their shared need to prove their own worth.

Did you catch that little detail? : “Victory is ours” not “mine”.

4.) Cultural: Unfamiliarity with secular world; “fish out of water” feelings, difficulty belonging, information gaps (e.g. evolution, modern art, music)

…

Do I really need to expand on this one? *Sigh* … he is literally an alien to this world, “fish out of water” would be an understatement.

As we have established, he fits the bill of Religious Trauma Syndrome to a T. He presents all of the symptoms.

Now let’s move onto the causes of it:

1). Suppression of normal child development – cognitive, social, emotional, moral stages are arrested

This one is self-explanatory. The horde clones and by extension Hordak are severely stunted in their psychological development and that is by design. They are deliberately kept from developing an adult mentality so as to never become a threat to Horde Prime or ever be able to break away from his control. Prime keeps them in a child-like dependency on him as a way to exert his power over them. Should they ever develop even a budding sense of self, their indoctrination compels them to submit to correction and erasure ensuring that they never surpass this state of learned helplessness. Horde Prime encourages this self-flagellating behavior, deeming it a mercy, even a favor to be granted – to suffer in His Name.

Hordak shows almost no emotional coping mechanisms and manifests child-like tantrums of frustration as an only outlet for his emotions throughout the show. He attempts to hide any other attempt at emotion, with differing degrees of success.

Wrong Hordak is emotionally unstable and is prone to fits of crying. (However, due to the comedic fashion in which his arc is written, I suppose that this could be taken with a grain of salt)

The clones are not only prevented from growing and maturing mentally, they are also robbed of childhoods –having been born in adult bodies and with the necessary knowledge to serve Prime literally programmed into them so as to make them able to serve efficiently from their first breath. As such, they are robbed of their formative years where one individual grows and develops naturally. Those precious experiences are replaced by Horde Prime’s literal programming through the hardware they have installed in their bodies to facilitate Horde Prime’s control over them (without their consent). In essence, they are a people born pre-”chipped”

Regardless of their actual age, and despite the fact that they are intelligent, capable and responsible individuals, I see the clones as having the emotional maturity of toddlers.

They never had the chance to develop any emotional coping skills, they were never allowed to have emotions to begin with.

2). Damage to normal thinking and feeling abilities -information is limited and controlled; dysfunctional beliefs taught; independent thinking condemned; feelings condemned

This is The Galactic Horde’s core belief:

Along with:

Incidentally, Hordak does his version of this speech trying to puff himself up in front of his soldiers… buuut Catra pushes the Failure button and that snaps him out of his little Prime impersonation moment.

More dysfunctional beliefs:

Condemnation of independent thinking:

Results in this:

No further explanations are necessary…

3). External locus of control – knowledge is revealed, not discovered; hierarchy of authority enforced; self not a reliable or good source

Prime exerts his dominance throughout S5 by force,

and coercion:

He is even petty and vindictive enough to force himself into Hordak immediately after his speech and to kill Entrapta with Hordak’s own body.

As for the self not being a reliable narrator… Hordak believed this about his former position.

He is not prone to exaggeration or deception being woefully incompetent in the latter – both perpetrating and spotting it. We have to assume that this is the way he saw his position in the Galactic Horde.

Season 5 revealed that all of the clones are equally disposable and interchangeable, there are no ranks. They are all equal tools whose sole purpose is furthering Horde Prime’s agenda. Horde Prime has no need for generals or delegating since he is able to inhabit his little brothers and be in more than one place at the same time. Hordak’s job in S5 was that of hall monitor and planetary acquisitions guy…

@cruelfeline goes into detail about the dissonance between what Hordak believes and what is actually his position in The Galactic Horde. A link to it is in the notes because Tumblr is being fussy.

4.) Physical and sexual abuse – patriarchal power; unhealthy sexual views; punishment used as for discipline

Some people have seen this, ugh… form of penetration… ugh again… as rape allegory.

Not a hard thing to do since Prime himself is rape personified and he consistently forces himself onto and into his little brothers, Catra and later, the chipped Etherians. Prime does nothing but "bad touch" people all of S5 and is particularly enjoying his disciplining of his "wayward little brother", the most unworthy and unlovable amongst his brothers. (According to the extended scene)

Here’s some more of Prime’s touching with rape subtext:

Here’s more of Prime forcing himself into his little brothers – they all seem to fight it and find it painful to some degree despite the fact that they have been conditioned to accept it and welcome it. Prime’s touch is a good thing, even when it hurts them.

Ironically, the one who fights this violation the least is Hordak himself. (this could be either because he’s extra repentant and wished not to further draw Prime’s ire or that his condition of chronic illness has raised his pain threshold)

The process of possession is not seamless and some of the clones appear to be unsettled by it after prime retreats from their bodies.

As much as this Utter Disaster of a clone wanted to finish his little speech about dirt and as much as he was gleefully enjoying it, after Prime was done with him… he just wanted his task over with…

The very nature of their indoctrination makes them unable to escape what has been done to them nor change their whole world view without outside intervention – which is exactly the help that Wrong Hordak received immediately after being abducted from the collective by people who slowly de-indoctrinated him and offered him a supportive environment for all of that growth and healing to happen.

When the Best Friend Squad kidnapped him, he was ardent about his service to Prime and he only followed them because they deceived him in believing they were servants of Horde Prime.

By providing clear irrefutable evidence of Prime’s fallibility, deceit and the squad’s (mostly Entrapta and Glimmer) moral support throughout this moral crisis, they (just Entrapta here *coughs* ) were able to wean him off of his programmed behavior and offer him an informed choice.

This is information none of the other clones, not even Hordak were privy to.

Even with this information, Wrong Hordak is still in emotional turmoil (though the show plays it for laughs – yuck)

The closest Hordak ever gets to walking away from Prime’s doctrine is this moment:

He was considering indefinitely putting it off to stay here, with her, and her worldview that he could be worth something, imperfect as he is. He is offered her emotional support and guidance.

Unfortunately... Catra nipped that in the bud before it could lead anywhere.

After convincing Hordak that Entrapta betrayed him, her message of inherent worth was rendered null, to him - her unconditional affection and the notion that he could to live apart from Prime were a manipulation. This further radicalized him in his faith and need to prove his worthiness.

Not only did Catra remove Entrapta’s influence over him, she goaded him even further with this cursed little speech and her whole “yass queen moment!”. you know the one...

“Get.Over.IT! You don’t need Entrapta. You never did. You don’t need a Princess in your life telling you what to do. Look at what you’ve done without her. You’ve build an army. An empire! You and me, we don’t need anyone. Forget them all. No one matters, nothing matters but this mission. You want to prove yourself, prove your worth? Then do it! You and I are going to conquer Etheria. And then, they’ll all see!”

Both of them were in clear downfall in S4 and they amplified each other’s most negative tendencies. I will not hold this against her.

The last thing I want to mention is that for cult victims, it is incredibly hard, if not, almost impossible to leave their cults by themselves. The first step for leaving a cult in the real world is looking for outside assistance.

It takes enormous amounts of strength – an almost imaginable degree of resolve – to leave a cult, particularly when you may have been born into one and have no friends or connections on the outside world. Cult survivors are often ostracized by everyone they have ever known who remain within the organization. To a cultist, the world outside the cult is a hostile, sinful and dangerous place. The assistance of someone from the outside is crucial.

Only with the assistance of a “friendly outsider” or a support group can the former cultist change the world view with which they had been indoctrinated with (sometime since early childhood).

A cult and set of beliefs warps your whole world view to the point of delusion. Faith in the cultic creeds is more important than factual evidence. As a matter of fact, the evidence in itself is evil, a contradiction to the creeds of faith and successfully denying it is an act of faith fulfilled. This mentality is encouraged in cults.

Many people in this fandom have claimed that Hordak, once pulled through the portal was free to do as he pleases. (he didn’t chose to come to Etheria – his arrival on the planet was accidental)

This is not really the case. Hordak never decided to leave the cult. He was still part of the cult when he was sent to his death on the battlefield for his defect and he was still a believer when the portal delivered him to Etheria.

In essence, Hordak didn’t leave his cult so much as he was forced apart from it, physically. In spirit, he still believed in Horde Prime’s dogma. His experience is the equivalent of a religious man getting stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. He is apart from his church, but his faith is still with him. Hordak’s faith hadn’t waned in the decades of separation. His purpose had always been returning to Horde Prime –hence the focus on building a portal and not on levelling towns with an arm laser cannons. He has proven in S4 that, had his main mission actually been conquest, he could have done it with not much difficulty – He wasn’t half bad at it actually. Instead, he delegated the conquest to his underlings and focused most of his attention on attempts at reuniting with Horde Prime via investigating rogue portals and trying to build one of his own.

Due to the nature of his “upbringing”, Hordak’s whole world view is warped. He has not had the benefits of a “moral” education from a human’s standpoint. Why would training cadets to become soldiers in your army be morally reprehensible when you, yourself, had been bred for war and have served your God with your first breath?

This was Hordak’s idea of a “normal” childhood:

What could he possibly know about the healthy raising of children?

Why would conquering a planet be a morally reprehensible thing when his God did this to places?

And this:

Before one ascribes evil motivation, for the sake of evil – one should bear in mind that these creeds were literally programmed into him. This is not a life he has chosen for himself– this is something he was born into, literally manufactured for, this is something that was done to him.

And for those that would have wanted him to regret his actions on screen, keep in mind that it will likely take a lot of therapy and reeducation before he even comprehends the nature and magnitude of his crimes on Etheria.

(besides the fact that he had spent 99% of season 5 in an amnesiac daze doesn’t help with the whole remembering his crimes bit either)

The show runner has declared in one of her post show interview that he will make reparations for the damage he’s caused.

What more do people want from a person born and flung into an impossible situation besides his head on a plate?

Phew!

Long post was long

#hordak #horde prime #catra #spop discourse #spop meta #cultic indoctrination #religious trauma #will you stop calling them daddy issues now?

363 notes · View notes

sepublic · 4 years

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Ok no one else is saying it so I will: the fact that Lilith in Wing it Like Witches basically had a mental breakdown over losing the grugeby match and having to go back to the Emperor empty-handed really makes me wonder what kinda fucked up stuff Belos might do to Lilith. I mean it's already implied that he's abusive to her so I wouldn't be surprised if she was getting severe undeserved punishments for not bringing Eda back.

Honestly, I suspect Lilith is just highly sensitive to failure in general… I wouldn’t be surprised if she was harshly punished for every mistake she made as a child, given the comparisons of the Coven System to the American school system- And if Lilith is neurodivergent just as Luz, Eda, and Amity are coded to be, then it’d hit even harder for her. So even if there isn’t an actual punishment waiting for her, necessarily; Lilith still freaks out and braces for the worst and just feels utterly terrible, because she’s been conditioned to do so.

Especially since Lilith likely has a lot of self-esteem issues about never being good as Eda, always being the lesser sister… As Lilith herself said, Eda may have been star player- But I think Lilith took a lot of solace in being team captain, and believing this role certified her as being at least on Eda’s level when it came to sports, if not above it. So having a definitive match between the two prove once and for all that, yes, Eda IS better at Lilith at Grudgby, just as she’s better at everything else… This realization could’ve really broken Lilith in a lot of ways.

Not to mention, failing the Grudgby game also means failing to bring back Eda- And Lilith has both selfish and altruistic reasons to do so. Lilith wants Eda by her side, and she wants her sister cured; Once again, the chance for this has beaten her. Lilith also wants to protect Eda from Belos, who has begun to crack down on wild witches more as the Day of Unity approaches… So she knows that Eda’s time is running out, in addition to knowing the curse is worsening. To Lilith, she’s not just failing herself on multiple levels- She’s failing her sister once again, and she’s running out of time and chances to make up for her past sins.

It’d also reflect badly on Lilith to the rest of the Emperor’s Coven, as well as Belos and Kikimora… Lilith clearly dislikes Kiki and wants to prove her otherwise- And Lilith still admires Belos and looks up to him a lot. I can see Lilith being grateful to Belos for giving her a chance to prove herself by letting her into his coven, for even bestowing upon her the title of Head Witch (because deep down Lilith feels like she never truly earns anything and it’s given to her only by the grace of others, she only got into the EC because Eda forfeited for her)… And Belos constantly giving Lilith these chances, and being willing to cure Eda and let her into his coven, surely it means he somewhat trusts her- And that again, Belos is doing so much for her.

Lilith would hate to disappoint someone she looks up to, someone who’s clearly setting aside a lot of patience just to put up with her, and she wants to pay them back because she feels undeserving… She’d be failing Belos and his plans, which clearly intend the greater good for the Boiling Isles- So in a way, Lilith is failing the Isles as well… And I wouldn’t be surprised if Lilith realized at some point that her own apprentice was also disappointed in her for the Covention incident. So to Lilith, she’s been a recently increasing stream of disappointment to those who trust her, look up to her, and in some ways hurting those she cares about or feels obligated for.

I imagine Lilith feels like she causes a lot of harm in general, so she seeks to offset this by being a helpful and productive member of society, and probably justifies her participation in Belos’ corruption by believing it’s all for the greater good, which then just contributes to Lilith justifying hurting Eda ‘for her own good’. Lilith wants to think she’s worthwhile, that her continued existence and people’s patience with her is justifiable and will pay off, because clearly she’s put a lot of stock and work into things under the hopes that it’ll all be worth it in the end. Kind of like how Lilith believes it’s okay to curse Eda, because it’ll be worth it when she gets into the Emperor’s Coven- That it’s worth buying into its ideology and being separated from Eda, because one day Eda will join her in their former dream, and be cured!

And as she’s no doubt desperate for approval, Lilith is afraid of not only losing it, but having this replaced with scorn. Lilith doesn’t want to fail someone she admires, someone she thinks actually values her when beforehand she’s never felt approved of; And as Head of the Emperor’s Coven, she is no doubt intimately aware of a LOT of horrible things that happen to wild witches. To people who displease Belos in general… And so while she has so much reason to admire the Emperor, she’s also got plenty cause to fear him as well. Fear of having her position by his side revoked (especially since we see Owl Mask already taking up one themselves), fear of losing support of the one person who tolerated her… Fear of what he could do to Lilith, etc.

Lilith already has every reason to be extremely sensitive of failure and rejection, in addition to her low self-esteem, and other tangible consequences… So what you suggested, about Belos actively punishing Lilith (hopefully it only began after Sense and Insensitivity, as that episode had Lilith act like it’s okay for her to take her time capturing Eda, under the excuse of her sister eventually becoming debilitated by her worsening curse), it is… Honestly pretty terrifying, and not at all out of character for Belos. Especially given how he’s the Emperor, so he’s free to do whatever he chooses to his own underlings, without repercussion- So I could see him being actively worse than Odalia and Alador are to their own kids, which would be saying something!

Given the cult-y vibes of the Emperor’s Coven, I can see Belos further indoctrinating his minions into thinking it’s totally okay for him to harm them as punishment for failure, and even that this is a good and deserved thing- Again, tying back to those parallels of the American school system, which has echoes of the belief that ‘suffering is purifying’. It doesn’t even have to be the entire Emperor’s Coven that is convinced and wrapped up into this sort of abuse- Lilith is already of such low self-esteem that I think she’d believe she deserves it… Maybe even finds a twisted relief in her punishment as cathartic self-harm. Belos gives off ‘Christian Colonizer’ vibes as-is, and there are records of such puritans advocating for this kind of pain as being ‘good’ for a person, so to Lilith it’s her actively atoning and making up for her mistakes, in addition to actually succeeding next time.

And if so, then that is a horrifically abusive relationship, especially since entire generations of witches are already indoctrinated into trusting Belos for having what’s best for them in mind- I mean, the show’s ending credits have a pair of toddlers making a sand castle of Belos’ palace, that’s how deep this propaganda goes! It’d take a lot to unlearn that, especially from someone as entrenched into the Emperor’s Coven as Lilith… And if Eda and Luz were to learn about this, if what you suggested is true- Then in addition to the whole ‘threatening to execute Lilith by nightfall’ bit, and Lilith genuinely thinking she was helping Eda and curing her curse, thus saving her sister from a fate worse than death; I could see them becoming a LOT more sympathetic and forgiving to Lilith, because they just don’t have it in their hearts to be mad at someone who has clearly suffered and been traumatized and manipulated…

I could see Luz maybe even drawing parallels to Amity and her parents, while Eda is just horrified that this is what her sister went through- And maybe she thinks that she should’ve been more there for Lilith, should’ve worked to rescue her older sister if she knew what was going on, even if that meant kidnapping Lilith. And of course, Lilith has reached that point of self-defeat where she insists to Eda that her little sister owes her nothing, and she is right in a sense… But also, Lilith thinks that while Eda owes Lilith nothing, Lilith herself is owed so much pain and punishment, when it’s clear that this sort of thing will only make things worse for someone who’s used to it- So obviously Luz and Eda aren’t going to invest in more suffering for Lilith, because obviously it didn’t teach her to be a kinder and happier person.

So while Lilith is obviously testing their patience in a LOT of ways… Luz and Eda’s natural compassion, in addition to appreciation of Lilith doing the right thing in the end, and having the bravery to defy Belos- I think that’ll help them forgive Lilith, or at least be on better terms with her. Hopefully she can be accepted fully into their family… And that’s assuming Lilith won’t try to bail out of guilt and wanting to protect Eda, to not be a burden, and to just want the comforting isolation away from the constant reminder of her failures in life and as a sister, because at the Owl House, Lilith will constantly be reminded of how Eda was so much better off and happier than her, and that’ll just add to her insecurity at being outdone. Lilith will be reminded of the curse she cast on Eda, and also what she missed out on for so long, and it’ll tear her apart…

And, I can see Lilith actually reveling in her half of the curse as self-punishment for what she’s done, and Eda… While Eda has cautiously accepted this because it IS Lilith making up for the damage she legitimately caused and worsened- She also doesn’t want Lilith to default to martyrdom and self-punishment because she knows that kind of mindset in reaction to failure is abusive and a product of the Coven System. Oof, I’m just suddenly imagining Lilith finding ways to punish herself while at the Owl House, maybe leaving so she can do so uninterrupted, because she’s still enacting the abuse when there’s nobody around to perform it- And the others have to really look out for Lilith and stop her… It’d be incredibly exhausting and tiresome, and just make Lilith feel like even more of a burden.

But in the end, Lilith realized that wallowing in self-pity and punishment for years didn’t help Eda or herself, it just made things worse- It was making just that one decision to change and improve things for the better, that got Lilith the immediate results of a more-repaired relationship with her sister. Sooner or later, Lilith has to pick herself up; All this self-loathing is no doubt exhausting, and she wants something new… Lilith still wants to be with Eda and now she has the chance. If she put in the work serving the Emperor’s Coven under the hopes it’d pay off, maybe she can put in the work of self-improvement under this same principle; Or not, investing in the Emperor’s Coven clearly failed, so why bother?

Well, I imagine Eda’s happiness, time with her, and the fact that Lilith is no longer burning with her worst secret, is a good reason to invest… Because Lilith’s seen actual results for once, so she knows it’ll pay off in the end and she wants more of that happiness and goodness in life. But Titan, it’d probably be terrifying, having to imagine Lilith caught in the attempt of self-harm because she hates herself, she’s trying to secretly get away with it, and Luz/Eda/King are so scared and shocked because of it… And Lilith just insists in a mental breakdown that this is what she deserves, and why can’t they leave her to this because don’t they secretly hate her anyway!? But the others don’t really, that’s why she’s even here- They’re here to be fully transparent with Lilith and not lie and lead her on like Belos did in his abusive, manipulative way.

I’m just imagining the others getting Lilith into a routine of self-care, making her invest into a schedule and productive stuff that keeps her distracted, maybe a hobby or two that makes Lilith feel constructive- Getting her to wean off her self-destructive habits, while Lilith is also obligated to make a promise each day that she won’t relapse and get into some funny business… And then the others can feel safer leaving her alone for longer periods of time, while also validating and rewarding Lilith for her efforts, further incentivizing her to do well… While not punishing her for any failure, further teaching Lilith to not default to that in the first place. Of course Eda would do everything in her power to keep Luz and King free from this responsibility and concerns, but I can see Luz insisting on providing some kind of helping hand- Or at least contributing towards the happier, fluffier moments that are less messy and agonizing for everyone involved.

And wanting to live up to this trust that a kid has in her, to see someone trust in her again after she messed up with Amity- It’ll give Lilith a lot of belief in herself that maybe she CAN do right… And she’s now even got the chance to make amends with Amity, too! Maybe things are getting better… And maybe things ARE improving, because she IS a good person, and the others were right to believe in her- Lilith wouldn’t want to prove them wrong, after all! And if it really brightens her sister’s day to see Lilith become happy again, then… That makes Lilith happy, and finally she’s doing things right, without having to worry about when she messes up.

For once, Lilith can take genuine, true pride in confidence in who she is, and what she does- And finally she’ll invest in the dignity and self-respect to know that she deserves better. Then Lilith can not only spare herself from pain- She can protect her loved ones from it for real this time, instead of always hurting them. For so long Lilith has hurt others trying to do what’s best for them; Now she can do what’s best for them without doing so, because Lilith knows that what’s best for others isn’t pain, but happiness and healing. She can do the right thing, and make up for what may have been Lilith’s original failure that started it all; Not being the protective older sister that Eda needed her to be.

Lilith doesn’t need to fear failure, and she can expect so much from success this time, especially now that it’s within reach; And Lilith knows that she can always change and improve herself to reach it, assuming she isn’t already capable! Eda does believe in the capacity to choose your own destiny and who you want to be, regardless of how you start out or what others dictate. Even if Lilith WAS a terrible person… She has the power to change this, and she’ll certainly make use of this opportunity. Lilith need not resign herself to what she saw as fate, as the inevitability of her decline into despair, or her place in the Emperor’s Coven as ordained by Belos’ hierarchy… Lilith can become who she always wanted to be- A wild witch and a good sister, someone who is happy, fulfilled, and free!

#the owl house #toh #the owl house lilith #lilith clawthorne #toh lilith #the owl house eda #edalyn clawthorne #the owl house belos #emperor belos #emperor's coven #self harm tw #abuse tw #speculation #ask

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aot-snk-4238 · 4 years

Text

SNK Meta Part 2: Ymir

In my previous post, I talked about my feelings regarding Historia's character this final arc. Now I'm going to talk about Ymir, her relationship with Historia, and my feelings about her send-off.

Was Ymir a good character?

In my eyes, yes. When she was first introduced, it was clear that she had feelings for Historia, making her one of the only canon queer characters in the series (assuming Historia reciprocated those feelings, which I'm pretty sure she did). She also appeared very snarky and cynical, but us readers came to learn later on that there was a much softer, sensitive side to her deep down that Historia would be the first to witness. These revelations, including her backstory, helped flesh out her character in a way that made her very interesting and mysterious for me. I especially loved how sharp and intuitive she was. I'm going to quote the wiki on this part, because I think it does a great job explaining her impressive observant abilities. "Ymir was extremely perceptive and could discern the nature of the people around her with alarming accuracy, such as Historia's martyrdom mentality, Reiner's split personality disorder, and Sasha Blouse's desire to look good in front of her peers by hiding her native accent and developing an extremely formal way of speaking. Due to her experiences and belief in self-pride, she tended to rudely criticize people for being untrue to themselves. Furthermore, Ymir was very reasonable, as she knew what to do during her kidnapping situation and reconsidered her options to accomplish her goals." I also enjoyed her interactions with other characters besides Historia. Take Connie, for example. When he lamented over the possibility of his mother being stuck as a mindless titan, Ymir tried to distract him, albeit not in the most appropriate way (ch. 38).

Connie complained about this behavior later on, but Historia defended her, explaining that she was only trying to stray his thoughts from that traumatic discovery. There were a few more moments between these two that were fun to see as well.

😂😂😂. Ymir's looking at him like, "You ruined it, Connie..."

I love the way she pats him on the head. Knowing how much taller Connie's gotten I don't think she'd be able to do that anymore.

This becomes one of the many times that Connie calls her "ugly" when she's in her titan form. Too bad she couldn't talk very well as a titan or else she probably would have had a smartass remark to throw back at him. It's looking back on scenes like this where I wish we could have gotten more out of these two. You can tell she cared for Connie and I know he also cared in his own way.

We only saw her together with Eren once when Reiner and Bertholdt captured them, but it was very interesting to see their perceptions of each other.

Eren found Ymir to be mysterious and wasn't sure if he could trust her, which isn't surprising considering this was the only time they ever spoke to each other. One detail that he couldn't miss, however, was Ymir's undying determination to protect Historia, a goal they would both come to share later on. Meanwhile, Ymir couldn't trust Eren because she found him to be too reckless and hot-headed.

These were my favorite qualities from Ymir, although to this day I still question the rationality of leaving Historia behind considering the situation she's currently in. Historia herself called her an idiot after reading her goodbye letter. Now that I've covered my reasons for liking Ymir as a character, let's move on to her relationship with Historia.

Ymir and Historia

I've loved these two together since the beginning for their complex and amusing dynamic. On the surface, you had the selfish, confrontational tomboy and the girly, kind and beautiful goddess. But underneath were two young women who were dealt a dirty hand early in their life and lead empty lives as a result until they found each other. Their story arcs throughout the Clash of the Titans arc were beautiful and complimentary, and it's part of the reason why it's actually my favorite story arc in the series. Everything from Ymir seeing through Historia's charade and urging her to live her life with pride to Historia telling Ymir her real name and the two of them fighting side by side in chapter 49 was some of the most empowering moments for me and I will forever cherish those parts of the story.

Ymir's departure

And now the part I've been most excited to talk about! Ymir's glorious, memorable and emotional departure.

Her ending...was not what I expected it to be. She left Historia at the very last second and gave herself away to the enemy because she felt guilty for something that was not her fault. Now as we know, Ymir is selfless at heart and she felt indebted to Reiner and Bertholdt for inadvertently helping her return to her human form after 60 years of wandering the earth as a mindless titan. She also decided that Historia might be safe after all after learning that Eren possessed the coordinate. I understand all of that, but what I don't understand is...well...everything else.

This was Ymir's last real appearance. We see that Ymir has willingly chosen to accompany Reiner and Bertholdt back to Marley to give up her titan powers at the cost of her life. Many people weren't so sure if that was truly the last of her though, because her death was not explicitly confirmed for a long time. We spend the next 33 chapters hoping to get something more, and then this happens...

A glimmer of hope. Finally there's a real chance we'll hear from her again, and it's got a lot of people buzzing with excitement. Sure enough, we finally get to see what's in that letter a few chapters later and are given Ymir's backstory. Here's where the disappointing part comes, though. Ymir makes it clear at the beginning of her letter that she will be dead by the time Historia receives it, meaning that this is the only goodbye they're gonna get. The last time they saw each other, Ymir wasn't even in human form. Instead of a proper goodbye, all we get is a short letter. The anime even tried to fix this by giving us Ymir's backstory earlier, but by doing that, her letter was cut short by a lot. All that was really left was, "Hi babe, sorry I left you like that. Oh well, I'm about to die anyway. Sorry we couldn't get married." And then this happened:

Historia touches Ymir's letter and is suddenly bombarded with visions of Ymir's past, including her chained up and about to be eaten. That is definitely not what happened in the manga and its honestly very confusing to me. How was she able to see all of that just by touching the letter? I get that she has royal blood and was able to access memories when she touched Eren, but Eren is a human who just so happens to possess the founding titan. The letter is just a piece of paper. Also, I'm guessing the last thing Historia saw was Ymir chained up so that there will be no need to bring her up again like Reiner and Porco did in chapter 93. I don't blame the anime team for making that change because I'll be honest, when we saw that one panel of her in her death chamber it felt very out of nowhere and I had a hard time concentrating on the rest of the chapter after that. So here are my main problems with her death:

1. It was off-screen

If I recall correctly, Ymir is the only major character in the series whose death was off-screen. All we got were her final moments, and there wasn't even any dialogue. That part especially bothered me because you can see that Ymir and Porco are looking at each other and Ymir's mouth is slightly open, implying that she's speaking. But what was she saying? You seriously don't mean to tell me that they both just sat there and stared at each other the whole time. She must have had some last words, but for some reason we never got to know what they were. At one point I even thought that Historia and Porco might cross paths at some point and he would be able to give her closure that way but no. No closure, just a last minute goodbye letter and a glimpse of her final moments that I now consider completely useless and unnecessary because we never got more out of it. I mean really, we even got closure and an on-screen death for Marco for crying out loud. Why give him that kind of attention and not Ymir? Not to mention one of the more recent guidebooks. Her character has the diceased sticker and it talks about how she went back to Marley with Reiner and Bert, but that's it. Not even the guidebook makes it clear what happened next. Yeah she died, but did anything else happen before then? That's what I wish we could have gotten more details on like, I don't know....her final words???

2. It was anticlimactic

We didn't get enough focus on Ymir's point of view after leaving Paradis in order for her death to have any kind of lasting emotional impact. As I mentioned above, it just felt out of place and messy. There was nothing memorable about her death either. It was quite simple and boring.

3. It contributed to an ongoing literary issue that has anti-LGBTQ roots

Yep. I'm talking about the infamous Bury Your Gays trope. Now before I go any further, I am not accusing Isayama of being anti-LGBTQ, I'm just shedding some light on something that's been continuously repeated in countless forms of media, not just anime and manga. Truthfully, I hadn't heard about this trope before reading Attack on Titan, but when I did hear about it, it only made Ymir's death even worse for me. I'm not surprised that it exists and I realize that this is a manga where death is inevitable, but keeping both women alive in the end would have certainly been very refreshing. At this point, all I could ask for is that Ymir and Historia get to see each other one last time. Obviously since Ymir is dead it will have to be through other means and I don't care how it's done. It can be in a dream, a vision or through Paths (which I think would work best). Seriously, there's nothing I've been more curious about than how Ymir would react to Hisu's current predicament and what she would say to her. It would just be great for them to have one last conversation face to face because for me, the letter just wasn't enough. Of course I'm hoping for too much, though. We've only got 1-2% of the story remaining, leaving no room for further closure. It's disappointing and frustrating, but no story is perfect. I'm grateful for the content that we did get, but I hope one day I can find a story like this one where the queer characters get to live for once. I'm aware of other shows like Steven Universe, Adventure Time and Yuri on Ice that give them good endings, but those shows are much friendlier towards younger audiences and aren't nearly as dark and grim.

Conclusion

Ymir was a very intriguing character while we had her, but her death was unsatisfactory and only left us with more questions. I am not going to trash Isayama for it, but I will leave this critique here so I can unload all my thoughts for others to read if they wish, or possibly share their own thoughts. We are coming close to the end of the manga, so now would be a great time to reflect on what we read and enjoy what's left of it.

#snk #ymir #snk meta #snk spoilers #snk character analysis #snk manga #snk thoughts

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impalementation · 4 years

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Do you think there is a connection between Buffy chosing name Joan in Tabula Rasa and Spike telling her she's addicted to misery in Normal Again? Does Buffy think of herself as a martyr?

sorry in advance that this reply sort of went all over the place. it’s an interesting question!

first, i think answering the martyr question depends on how one defines “martyr”. if we’re talking in the basic sense of “sacrifices oneself for a cause” then buffy certainly is one, and she does mention her sacrifices at various times throughout the show. even from the very first episode, it’s clear that buffy thinks that slaying is something she has to sacrifice something of herself for--her “normality”, her life, her peace of mind. but on a meta level, i wouldn’t say that buffy is a typical martyr figure, because the show frames her sacrifices as fundamentally unjust. as opposed to something worth deifying--the definition of martyr that is more like “sainted for sacrificing oneself for a cause”. the narrative treats buffy as heroic in part because she repeatedly chooses self-sacrifice over people getting hurt, but i don’t think it ever canonizes her for this aspect of her heroism. it doesn’t make her an exalted object of worship…with maybe the exception of her headstone and crucified swan dive in the gift. because note how after buffy sacrifices her life in prophecy girl and the gift, or sacrifices angel in becoming, the show doubles down on her humanity and trauma. when she was bad, anne, and most of season six all emphasize the emotional and psychological toll of buffy’s life as a slayer, and feature her really fucking up, or generally not being a saint. the show pays for its martyr imagery in the gift by bringing buffy back to earth in every sense of the word. i’ve always found it pretty impressive writing honestly, the way that the show consistently makes buffy’s pain humanize her instead of glorify her.

then there’s "martyr” in the sense of “acting martyred”. which is more like “exaggerating victimhood for sympathy”. or “righteously wallowing in one’s suffering”. which i don’t personally think that buffy really does, but it’s certainly something that characters and audience members accuse her of. see cordelia calling her a “cry-buffy” or faith in who are you? saying of buffy: “i could do anything i want, and instead, i choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of slayerness?” or willow’s mockery of her in grave. what i would say is that buffy definitely has a tendency to not talk to other people about her pain because she doesn’t think they would understand. for instance, her leaving all of her friends behind in anne or not telling them about heaven in season six. i don’t think that “martyred” is really the right word for that, since it has such derogatory connotations, and because this tendency of buffy’s is not really, in my opinion, about buffy flattering herself or seeking pity. but there is absolutely a way in which buffy keeps her feelings locked up, and stews in them, and doesn’t really feel able to talk about them, in a way that is tied up in her “special”, heroic status. she even says explicitly in conversations with dead people that on some level she feels like the love and validation of her friends doesn’t matter because “they haven’t been through what [she’s] been through. they’re not the slayer.”

she’s also (in my reading) preoccupied with her goodness to a pretty intense degree, which is why her failure to live up to her ideal of herself in season six is so devastating to her sense of identity. she seems to feel an obligation to be “good” because of her heroic status—it’s telling that when she breaks down to tara about spike she describes him as “everything i’m supposed to be against.” as in, she seems to think of herself as betraying some exalted, heroic ideal by being with him, rather than just having an unhealthy relationship. you could also probably read her self-punishment that season as having similarly exalted motivation. like she is taking it upon herself, as the slayer, to punish herself for not being a “good” enough slayer. it’s how i read her turning herself in in dead things, anyway. these tendencies to self-isolate and elevate personal suffering to cosmic importance are definitely not healthy (even if her personal suffering sometimes is actually, uh, cosmically important), and do have things in common with acting martyred. but are way more complicated than just “playing the victim” or something. i don’t think it’s a coincidence that it’s pretty much always “bad” people that suggest that that’s what buffy is doing. because the show sees much of buffy’s suffering as genuinely unfair, and thinks she is good for not rolling over and accepting it.

so to connect this to spike’s lines in normal again, i think we’re meant to see him as both right and wrong. as is the case with many of spike’s speeches. he’s upset, like dawn was, at buffy rejecting him from her life, and reacts with his well-worn tactic of hitting people with the almost-truth right where they’re most sensitive. he calls her attitude “nasty martyrdom” because, given his soullessness, he’s not in a position to really understand her depressive self-loathing. but he’s absolutely right that buffy holds herself to heroic ideals that make her miserable. and given that he was the tool she was recently addictively returning to to punish herself, it’s not strange that he would think of her as “addicted to the misery”. he gets that buffy is needlessly beating herself up, and using her heroic ideals as the bludgeon. he gets that she doesn’t feel allowed to be happy. he gets that she feels somehow trapped between what her friends represent and what he does. but he doesn’t get how that behavior is a product of self-hatred, instead of some kind of overwrought masturbatory self-interest, and is therefore unable to be sympathetic to it. even as he correctly identifies that her mindset is unhealthy.

i don’t know if they’re meant to parallel each other, but it feels deliberate that we get that scene in never leave me that also takes place in buffy’s bedroom, only this time it’s spike that’s having his brain fucked with, and buffy that suggests he’s feeling sorry for himself. and spike tells buffy that he finally understands the thing he couldn’t in season six, including normal again.

BUFFY: So, that's what this is about. You feeling sorry for yourself, Spike?

SPIKE: I’m feeling honest with myself. You used me.

BUFFY: Yes.

SPIKE: You told me that, of course. I never understood it though. Not until now. You hated yourself, and you took it out on me.

BUFFY: You figured that out just now?

SPIKE: Soul's not all about moonbeams and pennywhistles, luv. It's about self-loathing. I get it.

as for whether we’re meant to draw a line between normal again and buffy naming herself “joan” in tabula rasa, i’m not sure. the name “joan” seems like a dual joke about the fact that joan is a blandly normal name compared to “buffy”, but is also a name that evokes the grand sacrificial heroism that buffy is capable of. a joke about which parts of buffy’s identities are permanent or not. but if there is a connection, i think it’s related to the season’s general deconstructive mindset. buffy’s identity crisis in season six is all tied up in her idea of what a hero looks like, and so in that respect it’s very significant that buffy at the end of the gift was buffy at her most mythically heroic. the kind of heroism frozen at a moment of perfect, martyred sacrifice. similarly, joan is normal and happy and heroic, a version of herself--like the buffybot--that buffy feels distant from. but no one can live up to that sort of perfection day to day. buffy’s struggle to confront her human imperfection parallels the season’s attempt to make itself and its audience confront their own expectations regarding perfect, happy heroes. everyone, including buffy, is frustrated that something seems “wrong” with her. so the two scenes seem related in that they both suggest that buffy is drawn to heroism and idealism, consciously or unconsciously. which is relevant to the season’s implication that a fixation on such ideals can be as crippling or harmful as they are noble.

#s6 #buffy

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sterlynwrites · 4 years

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July 16 Riot

Title: One Man Riot

Series: All For The Game

Pairing: Andrew Minyard / Neil Josten

Neil Josten was an absolute menace.

That was about the only thing that Andrew’s brain could agree with itself on any time Neil was involved in anything. He was a menace whose good intentions either ended in a self martyrdom, or ended with the people around him having to dodge things that may or may not be life threatening.

Even after Riko’s death, this didn’t change.

Neil was a passable vice captain and Andrew would stand by that silent approval, but there were some days that Neil could be described as a one man riot.

It almost always involved Sheena and Jack, neither of which had learned to keep their goddamn mouths shut. In fact, Jack had been on it, again, all practice. Andrew was in goal and he couldn’t be bothered to really care about what was going on out on the field most of the time, but today was definitely different.

What was the difference you might ask?

The play had paused just long enough for Jack to pass Neil and say something. Andrew knew that he needed to stay out of this dick measuring because Neil could handle his own fucking dick, but Jack must have caught Neil just right on his raw nerves. The freshman didn’t understand or want to understand what the others had gone through, so everyone stopped when Neil dropped his stick and called out, “Hey. Jack!”

Jack turned and Neil punched his square in the nose.

“JOSTEN HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!” Wymack screamed from the sidelines.

Everyone froze.

Then all hell broke loose.

Jack was on his back, the redhead on top of him, both hands fisted into his shirt. His face was close to Jack’s and he couldn’t see either expression, but the hard lines of Neil’s body spoke volumes.

Don’t interfere.

“MINYARD GO GRAB JOSTEN.” Wymack growled at him waving in the direction of his just-slightly-something.

Andrew shrugged and dropped his stick, his gloves and wandered over.

Before he got there Sheena decided to be a stupid bitch and get herself involved. Her hands pushed at Neil’s shoulders and Andrew quickened his steps because two on one? Really?

That won’t do.

Before he reached them, Sheena ended up on her butt Allison standing between her and Neil, “Back off.”

Smart.

Anyone who touched Neil would be punished. The upperclassmen knew that rule, and it was one that the freshman were still learning.

Matt had stepped forward and he hand his hands on Neil’s shoulders, “Neil, buddy, you need to let him go.”

“Why?” Neil gritted out through clenched teeth.

“Because we like you and you can’t play exy in prison.”

“Not true. I played in juvie.” Andrew called out.

Matt turned and looked at Andrew, “You aren’t helping.”

No. He wasn’t. But if Neil was an instigator, then Andrew would fan the flames just a little bit. After all, he was still interested to see what would happen if Neil decided to end Jack.

“Am I supposed to?” Andrew gave Matt a flat look.

“Yes!” Nicky stood to the side, fingers flexing as he tried to figure out where to pry Neil off of Jack.

“Fucking Asshole as soon as I’m up-” Jack snarled.

“You’ll what? Don’t even think about it.” Dan snapped.

Again, one man riot Neil Josten. Already the others were dividing and it was clear. Not one was on Jack’s side.

Andrew rolled his eyes and changed to German: “What did he say to piss you off?”

Neil’s fingers loosened and he flicked his eyes over towards Andrew: “He said something about you.”

Leave it to Neil to have a short fuse when it came to him. He still didn’t understand it, but it made his chest clench and something warm flood it.

“Leave him. He is not worth it.”

“I kind of think it’s worth it.”

“Well I don’t. You do not need to defend me.”

“I actually think he should hit him again.” Aaron volunteered.

“Yeah, what could another punch hurt? He’s already down.” Nicky added.

“No one asked you.” Andrew shrugged and stepped forward, putting his hand on Neil’s shoulder.

“JOSTEN GET OFF HIM UNLESS YOU WANT TO RUN A MARATHON!!”

Wymack growled and added, “Jack maybe keep your mouth shut huh?!”

“Come on junkie, let’s go get Abby to look at your hand.” Andrew switched back to English again.

It wasn’t a request.

Neil relaxed under his hand, and let Jack’s shirt go standing up.

Everyone let out a collective sigh of relief.

As Abby fussed over and bandaged Neil’s busted knuckles, Andrew settled next to him as things slowly got back to normal. When she was done she headed up into the stands to tend to Jack’s, bloody nose and split lip.

“Was it worth it?” Andrew asked.

Neil nodded, “To me it was.”

Note: If you don’t know these awesome characters, click here for some art.

@jennoasis @furokuro @thefirstknightofren

#July drabble challenge #drabble #ficlet #AFTG #all for the game #foxhole court #andrew minyard #neil josten

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anika-ann · 5 years

Text

Crawl Home to Her

Pairing: Matt Murdock x OFC Vera

Word Count: 5080

Summary: H/C. He knows he should have been faster. Try harder. He knows it’s his fault. But she will do anything to convince him otherwise, he knows that too. She won’t blame him. And while she will believe what she’ll say, it won’t make it actual truth. He goes to her anyway.

Possibly a standalone. Otherwise set after Damned If I Don’t.

Warnings: mentions of death, violence and injuries, MM zero self-preservation and self.care, adult themes but probably not neccessarily 18+

Catch up on ‘Damned’ series!

And I was burnin‘ up a fever I didn't care much how long I lived But I swear I thought I dreamed her She never asked me once about the wrong I did

(Hozier – Work song)

The moment she opened her eyes to the darkness, she knew why she had woken up. She didn’t have any superpowers – she wasn’t a psychic or had enhanced senses –, but there were things she just knew. Matt watching her – or whatever she might call it – was one of them. She saw nothing but a silhouette of a man, leaning onto the doorframe of her bedroom, which would be scary if she didn’t know the outlines of his body, of his armour, better than her own.

The simple fact he didn’t react to her waking up – and she knew he knew – was alarming. He just stood there, a sculpture of an angel disguised as the devil. Complete with horns and stuff.

Vera reached for her glasses, switching on the bedside lamp. Blinking to the sudden soft light, she focused on his face, shadows that weren’t caused by game of lights. It was something darker, heavier. Guilt.

Oh no.

“Matt?” she called out, low sound. One corner of his lips twitched, the only visible part of his face. He hadn’t even taken off his helmet. Or shoes for that matter. His posture was stiff. Something had gone wrong.

He didn’t react otherwise. Vera frowned, kicking the covers away, making her way to him. No reaction. She carefully reached for his forearm, stopping only inch away.

“Are you hurt?”

She would swear she heard him gulp before speaking. “No.”

Her heart sunk a little at the tone. Hoarse voice, definitely not in a good way. He had been crying. Or screaming. Possibly both. Screw touching his forearm. She raised her hands to his head, hesitating in silent question. He didn’t protest so she went for it. She slid her fingers under the helmet carefully, taking it off.

His gaze was lowered as if he was ashamed or afraid of letting her see something in his eyes. She pushed away the cowl as well, straightening his wild hair. She loved how they were always sticking in different directions when he got out from the armour. It was incredibly cute.

Matt closed his eyes completely, breathing in and out shakily as she ran her fingers through his hair. She had noticed he liked that and she enjoyed the feeling. It was a win-win. Hand moving to his cheek, she waited for him to give her a clue. Anything. She was giving him time, but she could tell he had no idea what to do with it. She tossed the helmet away, shockingly enough not missing the bed, landing it in the covers silently and she wrapped her arms around him.

For an agonizingly long moment, she wondered it was a wrong thing to do – his figure remained tense, the whatever material of his outfit pressing against her bare legs and arms rather unpleasantly. And then he finally hugged her too, slowly, unsure. But once he made the decision, he squeezed her tighter, his face buried to her shoulder, hot unsteady breath tickling her neck.

Vera wasn’t sure what she should say. That it was gonna be alright? Ask him whether he was okay? He was not, obviously. She didn’t say a word. They stood there for eternity, quiet mess of limbs.

It was her who let go first. She could tell he didn’t like the idea of them separating, but when she retreated, he did as well. She kissed his forehead lightly, not so secret code; ‘I care for you’.

“Why don’t you lay down with me, hm?” she whispered, kissed his temple as well, taking his hand. It was still hidden in his glove. It was him whole hiding from her. Guilt and shame. He had lost someone. He hadn’t managed to save them; that was the only possibility she could think of.

When Matt didn’t let her lead him to the bed, she first thought it was a very bad sign; until he squatted – a weary, slow motion – lost his gloves and untied his shoes, leaving them at the door. She couldn’t help a small smile. Matt caring about her floor was definitely a good sign.

“Thanks. Need help with the… uhm. The rest?” she offered as he stood up again and took few careful steps towards the bed.

He only made indefinable tiny sound that she interpreted as a miserable agreement. She walked behind him, unzipping the suit, helping him out. He stood there then, exposed, huddled as if he was cold or trying to cover the sudden nudity – not a physical nudity, he wore boxers if anything, but the emotional one.

Stick and stones…

Vera lied down, putting the helmet on the floor, patting next to her lightly and he wordlessly obeyed, burying himself in the covers. Jesus, he was a mess. Words burrito of sadness flashed her mind and she would laugh at that if it wasn’t such a heart-breaking image of the man she loved.

She snuggled closer, their shoulders and arms barely touching, leaving him with a choice. He leaned in and she couldn’t help a relieved sigh, rewarding him with another peck on his temple. They lied in silence for a while. It was hurting her ears, but she got used to it after few moments – so much that she actually winced when he spoke.

“I should have been faster.”

Vera tried really hard not to, but she did wince, startled. She found his hand, stroking it lightly – it was cold despite the warm weather. She could feel how scraped his knuckles were. He had hit someone – or something – very hard.

“I know you, Matt. I don’t believe it was possible for any human being to go faster at the moment,” she protested in soft voice even when she didn’t know the details yet. He had tried his best. He had probably pulled few muscles trying to get in time to wherever he attempted the rescue.

His fingers twitched under hers.

“I should have tried harder. Be better,” he continued as if he hadn’t heard her. “She was right.”

At that point, Vera got confused. Who was right? The victim? The aggressor? A bystander?

“She said I should have come earlier. She died in her arms, her best friend, she-“ his voice traded off and Vera finally understood.

Her heart was clenched with cold fingers, grief for both women or girls washing over her. They had been two of them then. One of them had died, the other Matt had saved. And it wasn’t just himself who blamed him. The survivor did too. Few solitude tears rolled down his cheeks. She pressed her lips together as she felt him shiver. She knew that kind of cold – the kind of cold that couldn’t be chased away with the thickest sweaters and blankets. It was coming from inside. She sometimes chased it away with whiskey when he wasn’t around.

She wrapped her arms around him once more, kissing his neck. She knew it was a stupid thing to say. But she had nothing better at her disposal. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Tiny humourless chuckle escaped his lips, his chest vibrating against her and she felt like the stupidest person in the world. But it was the truth.

“Matt, I mean it. It’s not the most original line, but I don’t aim for original. I aim for the truth. It was not your fault.”

“I stayed in with a case. I started the patrol too late. I should have left sooner,” he murmured to her skin stubbornly.

This time it was Vera who chuckled, unable to stop herself. “Right. You were too busy doing pro bono work, saving another life in a broad daylight. That sounds like a deadly sin.”

Matt winced at her last words. Poor choice of words, Veronika. But it seemed to snap him from whatever state of mind he was. At least he was listening to what she was saying, letting the words sink in.

“She’s dead. And I did nothing to stop it.”

“You can’t protect every single person in Hell’s Kitchen,” she offered, minding her tone this time, careful it didn’t sound like she was talking to a stupid child, who just couldn’t seem to understand something despite being explained for the millionth time. Her words were cliché, but she couldn’t figure out better ones.

“Then maybe I shouldn’t try doing it at all,” he said flatly.

Her heart skipped a beat, lips parting, letting out shocked exhale. Whoa. She felt herself panicking, This was way worse than she thought.

“Sure. If that’s what you want,” she agreed eventually and he went rigid, obviously shocked by her approval. He probably expected her to try to convince him otherwise. But Vera meant it. If he wanted to quit, who was she to stop him? God knew he sacrificed more than enough to that life. Both of his lives, dedicated saving the others. “…just don’t forget that if you didn’t come there, they would be both dead.”

His arms wrapped around her waist tightly as an ear-tearing whimper escaped him. The sound was like a punch to her gut, knocking the air out of her. She returned the hug wholeheartedly.

“You can’t save everyone. I know it’s awful and I have no right to lecture you, since that fact and dealing with it is one of the reasons I left med school, but it’s true. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out even when you do everything-“

“Sometimes,” Matt repeated bitterly and his embrace loosened a little. For the first time that night, he let her see his eyes. They were glassy with tears. Vera hated when he was sad. But the imploring eyes, huge… it was a terrible thought, but the martyrdom suited him, giving him the strangest glow. Beautiful. Fascinating.

She mentally slapped herself.

“This girl, she was just a student, Lana Hill. Albert Magalles, the man who got crucified. Just like Edgar Harness, William Pomeroy and Mick Stuart. Ben Urich, the reporter who was helping us against Fisk. Elena Cardenas, a client, lovely old woman who protected her home with all she had. Pete Cabe, a drug junkie, but a good guy, taking care of is grandma, owed too much money to mob – shot to his head…”

She felt her hand trembling on his back, glad he couldn’t see her expression. Jesus, he remembered names. He remembered the names of people he couldn’t have saved. He couldn’t even know it the moment they had died; he had had to pry after it later.

Jesus freaking Christ. She was pretty sure her heart just broke in half.

“Matt-“

“The list goes on and on. Starting with my father...” His voice was quiet, raw. Hateful. He hated himself. Vera had no words. She opened her mouth only to close it. Her mind raced. What should she do?

“You,” he breathed and she let out a desperate sigh.

It would never go away. It would always be in the back of his mind, even when she had survived. She knew he had spent days thinking she had been dead, as she had been bleeding and suffocating right in front of him. He would never forgive himself for letting it happened, no matter how hard he had fought against it.

“I’m alive,” she reminded him gently, stroking his back, placing a small kiss to his hair.

He snorted; very unattractive and very bitter sound. “No thanks to me.”

“Debatable. I could have been dead for several months by that time. Mugging. Armed robbery. Kidnapping. Assault, I guess? Another break-in to my apartment was just the icing on the cake. Oh, right, there was also an attempted rape,” she remembered and he winced at her last words, “I’ve been keeping you busy. And somehow you’re always here to save my sorry ass. Like heroes do.”

His chest rose significantly as he finally breathed in properly. He gave her a tiny kiss, just a passing contact of his lips on the skin between her neck and shoulder, before hiding his face again. She didn’t fight the smile creeping on her lips at the gesture; he wasn’t hiding anymore. It was simply a way of showing he felt comfortable with her close.

The worst of it was gone.

“What do you need, Matt? What can I do?” she asked, still rather carefully. His body tensed only for a second, before he finally relaxed. Or… went limp, pretty much.

“Nothing. Just be here… talk?” he offered almost timidly and she blinked in surprise. Talk?

“What… uhm. What do you want me to talk about?”

She felt his shrug. “Anything, just-- I like listening to your voice,” he admitted and Vera couldn’t help her jaw falling slightly agape.

Huh. She only thought it was the other way around. Then again, it made sense – he wouldn’t be with someone whose voice he found displeasing. Still, there was a difference between putting up with something and liking it. It was a compliment she had never realized she could receive. Something warm spread in her chest.

Except… shit. Vera could babble, alright. She was a master of babbling. She wouldn’t shut her mouth sometimes, when it was highly inappropriate. But she was a total loser when it came to spontaneous talking. Her mind and heart raced.

“Mind if I read instead?” she asked awkwardly, her cheeks doubtlessly red. His eyelashes tickled the side of her neck as he blinked in surprise.

“Uhm. Okay…?”

“Good.”

The moment she shifted to get up and find a book, his arms locked around her waist, disabling her movement. She licked her lips.

“Matt, I gotta get something to read. I’ll be back,” she promised, not gaining any reaction. “Matt? I promise I won’t get assaulted on the way through my apartment,” she joked, only realizing too late how inappropriate it was. Dammit.

He sighed. “Can’t be sure when it comes to you,” he murmured, but released her.

“You’re so funny…”

It wasn’t like he didn’t have a point though, was it? It happened before. Twice.

Once she walked to her wardrobe – yes, Vera kept the books she had borrowed from her landlady next to her clothes, sue her, she didn’t have a bookshelf – she realized she had only two books in there. One was rather dark and had probably too much blood in it, which was not exactly suitable at the moment and the other was utter rom-com. Well, shit. Maybe she should buy an e-book? What could he possibly like? Apart from Thurgood Marshall, obviously. Not exactly light reading either, not exactly fitting right now.

Vera started her laptop, making her way to the kitchen to have a glass of water. If she was about to read, she needed it. Before she could ask Matt whether he wanted one, a much better idea struck her. She grinned, opening the freezer and pulling out the experiment. She hadn’t tried it before despite the fact the box had been in there for a while. This seemed like a good opportunity. She grabbed two spoons on her way, even though she didn’t really expect to need both.

Matt was frowning when she returned, obviously confused and indecisive. Vera knew why – she was pretty sure he figured out she was bringing ice-cream. He had told her he didn’t eat ice-cream. Because apparently he could taste every single additive in it and god knew what else. Vera had felt ultimately sorry for him, because dammit everyone needed ice-cream sometimes, and she had tried to make one at home. He had claimed he had used to like vanilla best. Well, it was a time as good as any to find out if his taste had changed.

“Shut that face and eat your ice-cream,” she ordered, shoving it to his hesitant hands, gulping some of the water and nesting next to him on the bed. He moved closer to her side before fighting with the opening. He probably thought to hell with it, I can suffer through chemical cocktail for once, because he took a spoonful of the stuff. Vera bit her lip to keep her laugh inside and rather focused on what the hell should she read to him. In corner of her eye she could see his surprised expression, as he took another spoon.

Jackpot.

Jackpot on both fronts, because as she was typing, the browser offered her another website; a website she was visiting embarrassingly often. The Devil of Hell’s Kitchen – Daredevil – sightings. And ‘thank you’ notes. Maybe if he had one list of people in his mind, he needed another to balance the scales. It seemed to be as wonderful idea as it seemed to be a terrible one. Well.

“Alright. I consider the two books I have totally inconvenient, so I just… read something else. If you don’t like it, just stop me, okay?” Vera offered hesitantly, turning to him. She wasn’t quite sure he was listening to her. He was enjoying the ice-cream too much. She smiled widely, ignoring that she didn’t get any answer.

She browsed through the notes, looking for something convenient. She knew about at least one she definitely wanted to read to him. Maybe she should start with it. It was over a year old, but it didn’t matter. The point still stood. Dammit, what was the girl’s name?

“Just a min-“

“This is really good. Where did you get it? What brand is it?” he interrupted her, voice honestly surprised.

Her heart jumped. He actually did like it. Sure, she liked it too, it was way better than normal ice-cream, but the fact he liked it… that was a whole new level. She had no idea how to say it. She cleared her throat awkwardly, unable to look at him.

“Homemade,” she murmured, her eyes darting to find the right note. Nat, the girl’s name was Nat.

“Homemade? That’s the name of it?” he questioned, sounding a little taken aback, taking another spoon. Wow, he had really missed ice-cream, hadn’t he? Not that she blamed him.

Aha! Got it. ‘There are lot of things that-‘

“What?” She realized he had asked her a question and sighed. No way of sugar coating it. “No, Matt. As in yolks from eggs from farmer’s market, cream and milk from farmer as well, cane sugar and vanilla bean. Homemade ice-cream.”

Peripherally, she saw his hand with the spoon stop halfway to his mouth. He seemed to freeze in that position, before his arm fell back and his awestruck face turned to hers. Her heart must have been doing funny things. It felt like it did.

“You made this?” It didn’t sound like he doubted it. He just didn’t understand why she would do that. Well. Why would she do that, huh?

“You said you used to like vanilla ice-cream. But since you can taste everything and ice-cream turned into a cocktail of various chemicals to you…. Life is sad without ice-cream. Everyone needs ice-cream. It’s a traditional break-up food. People watch rom-coms and eat ice-cream, it’s a thing. Ice-cream is the king and queen of comfort food,” she explained, babbling without planning it. Yeah, that was her thing. Babbling.

“You made ice-cream… for me,” Matt reassured himself, shifting in his position, straightening.

“Uhm… yeah? I mean-- I was kinda hoping you would share, but hey, that’s okay, I can do more or buy a regular one for myself. But yeah. Basically.”

Vera knew he had been holding the pack in his hands for a while, but the coldness of the touch on her cheek surprised her nevertheless. He gingerly stroked it with his thumb, kissing her temple with icy lips. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad you like it,” she murmured back, returning to the screen to cover her whatever. “Still want me to read? Or you’re good with your comfort food?”

One corner of his lips rose inconspicuously and she counted that as a real win. He rested his head on her shoulder. That position was rather typical, but usually their roles were reversed. Huh.

“I think you spoiled me. Talk?” he pleaded and he was like a kid in a candy shop, asking his mum for more ice-cream. Ha!

How could she resist that? She cleared her throat. “Okay. Whatever you need, Matt.”

He automatically reached for his spoon. She took a deep breath, starting.

“There are lots of things that define a hero. Courage. Will. Helpfulness. Selflessness. Sacrifice. The man we call the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen certainly is one-“ she felt him stiffen and stopped.

“You’re… reading that,” Matt stated, unsure, voice thick.

“Yes. It’s something I wanted to read to you a while ago. Can I?” she hesitated, worried he would shut her down. It definitely seemed more like a terrible idea than an amazing one now.

Surprisingly enough, he slowly nodded. Good.

“-He saved my life. He saved lots of lives and many of them are more important than mine, but I’m writing this because I need people to know there is one more significant feature of a true hero that they tend to forget about. Strength? Of a character, maybe. But what I’m talking about is humanity. We can fight over the definition of humanity – whether it means being a human complete with his imperfections and weaknesses or being human capable of feeling compassion. I saw both the night he saved me.”

She couldn’t help smiling as she heard his shaky exhale. Had he never read any of those?

“I was assaulted by four guys, each of them some with kind of a weapon - brass knuckles, knives. I tried to run, but they were faster. I screamed and screamed and he heard me. He has all my respect for what he can do, but if he remembers the night, at least bits and pieces, he knows it didn’t go well. He won of course, because he has something they hadn’t – conviction – but he ended up bloody. I’ll never forget the extensive laceration on his face and the cuts – god, there were so many cuts, some of them really deep, gaping scarily. He seemed to be barely standing. He called the police and asked for the ambulance for me, sending it few alleys over. And then he approached me – more like stumbled to my feet – , checking on my busted ankle carefully and offering his hand. He helped me to get up, supported my weight, got me to the location, himself breathing hard and tangling up his own feet multiple times as he did so. He never let me fall. I don’t know who you are, but I want you to know I am grateful. More importantly that I believe in you. You don’t have to fight aliens to be a hero. You don’t need fancy tech or super strength. For me, you are the truest hero because of your heart and humanity. Thank you. Nat,” Vera finished, voice a little shaky as the emotion and endless gratitude behind the note washed over her once again.

When she had first read it, she remembered crying over it. This time it was Matt who had tears in his eyes, frozen. Any other time, she would probably tease him about adding a wrong ingredient to the ice-cream, because spicing it with his tears was not a good idea.

He was out of it. Ups. She didn’t intend to cause that.

“It’s— uhm. It’s one of the older ones, but I really liked it. Should I read another? There are so many of them. Fair warning, not all of them are this fancy and essay-like, right under this one there is only ‘Near Gotham West Market, saved from getting mugged. He really kicks ass.’ And then ‘Hell’s Kitchen Park. Yesterday around eleven. Thank you, Devil.’ Devil, ‘cause these are rather old. I can read more recent- “

“I love you,” came a barely audible whisper.

Vera shut her mouth, snapping her head to him in surprise. He hadn’t seemed to be able to say a single word seconds ago. She expected him to gather himself after a while and say something, sure, but not that.

Matt raised his head, those big honest eyes burning. Her heart hammered in her chest, lips parting at the sight.

“I love you,” he repeated, louder, firmly. Before she could react, his lips, slowly warming, touched hers. He tasted after salt of his tears, vanilla and sugar, the kiss sweet in every meaning of the word. Soft and slow movements, fondling her lips with tenderness. And gratitude. He rested his forehead against hers. “Thank you.”

Vera had to swallow against the growing lump in her throat at his tone. So much emotion in few words. “Anytime. Anything.”

She felt his eyes snapping open, so she did the same, meeting his smiling warm irises. She felt his hand wander, the weight of her laptop disappearing from her thighs. She had no idea where he put it and she didn’t give a damn about it, when he grasped her hips and basically dragged her to his lap. She bordered his hips with her knees, not wanting to hurt him. She didn’t see that coming. His lips sunk into hers, icy fingers finding the back of her neck, his other hand keeping her in place.

“Anything?” he breathed to her mouth, the vibration of his voice making her shiver. “Anytime?”

She had honestly no idea whether he was kidding her or not. Really? Now? Hey, she had been woken up in the middle of the night with the feeling of being watched and she was pretty sure she had been awake for a while now, so if she was going to be sleep-deprived, she might as well enjoy it, no problem. But given his emotional status? If he was a blushing virgin, she would have to decline, because it would be like taking an advantage of him.

His tongue slipped into her mouth easily, letting her taste vanilla again. He was definitely giving the impression of meaning it. Apparently slightly annoyed by the lack of her response, he moved to her neck, his hand sliding under her t-shirt. Still cold. She gasped and escaped the icy touch.

“That’s-“ He sucked a mark to her neck and for a moment, she lost the brain-mouth connection. Jesus, Matt. “-shameless emot-“ Her tongue somehow tangled as his fingers wandered up, her nipples hardening immediately. “-emotional manipulation.”

Vera would swear she felt his smile on her collarbone and she shifted in his lap to wipe that no doubt smug grin away. Certain part of him liked it a lot and he hummed contentedly, a deep sound in the back of his throat.

“Never said I was a saint,” Matt exclaimed, returning to her lips so she couldn’t respond.

Could have fooled me just few minutes ago.

She didn’t fight it. She already felt her own arousal rising, warm in her abdomen. She leaned in.

And then he hissed in pain silently, just the smallest sound. She immediately retreated, startled. He looked disappointed and a little annoyed.

“Matthew Michael Murdock, are your ribs bruised?!” she demanded, climbing from his lap despite his weak efforts to make her stay. He made a regular kicked puppy face.

“They are not.” He fucking pursed his lips, offended.

“You’re a lousy liar, considering you’re a lawyer. And wear a costume of the Devil,” she murmured, making her way to the bathroom so she could bandage him.

“I admit the ice-cream was versatile,” she heard him call out silently and she rolled her eyes.

Fucking idiot. First crying, then self-consciousness, then the stupid amazed eyes, sweet words, freaking seduction – and he had her exactly where he wanted, oblivious. Of course he was hurt. When he ever wasn’t?

When she came back with the first aid kit – she was confident there was more than the ribs – he was still pouting. “Don’t give me that face.”

“They are not bruised…. Cracked? Maybe. Two,” he argued weakly and she shot him an incredulous look, which was sadly totally wasted on him.

“Not helping!” she gasped, horrified. “Sit on the edge and tell me which ones.”

“I love you.”

Don’t look at his face! He has the kicked, lost and love-struck puppy expression.

Vera sighed and started working. She was really glad she had asked Claire to teach her stuff, even though it didn’t seem Matt would need any stiches that night and she could have taken care of this just fine before they had started their sessions.

They didn’t say a word until she finished the last circle, hiding the loose end. She carefully raised her gaze to his face, ready to be strong and adamant. Yeah, he was wearing exactly the expression she thought he would.

“Anything else?” She placed her palm over his heart, waiting for the truth.

“No.”

No fastening. No lie. That was the first. He covered her hand with his, his lips spreading to a soft smile. “Thank you, Vera. You’re… you’re really good at this.”

Stupid, stupid smile. So hard to be angry with him.

She licked her lips, looking away. He didn’t let go off her hand, his heartbeat strong and steady, comforting feeling under her palm.

“Well, you can thank Claire. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t get much practice. She was very devoted,” she noted.

His other hand found her cheek, lightly pushing so she would face him again. No. His fingers traced the lines of her jaw and lips before trying again.

Stupid, stupid tenderness. So easy to fall for him.

“I’ll send her a fruit basket. But I’m not talking just about stitching up cuts and bandaging cracked ribs.”

Vera gave in to his touch, turning back to him, confused. His smile transformed, a little dreamy now, ‘I love you’ smile. He ran his fingers through her hair, gingerly tucking disobedient strands behind her ear.

Stupid, stupid words. So confusing and captivating.

His lips brushed her cheek, disappearing quickly, spreading back to the brilliant smile.

“You’re really good at fixing me.”

My baby never fret none About what my hands and my body done If the Lord don't forgive me I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me When I was kissing on my baby And she put her love down soft and sweet In the low lamp light I was free Heaven and hell were words to me When my time comes around Lay me gently in the cold dark earth No grave can hold my body down I'll crawl home to her

(Hozier – Work Song)

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

#marvel #fanfiction #matt murdock fanfiction #matt murdock x ofc #daredevil fanfiction #daredevil x ofc #matt murdock #mcu #daredevil #hurt/comfort #oneshot #songfic #crawl home to her #anika ann

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thevividgreenmoss · 5 years

Text

How Laugier knows what these victims go through is anyone’s guess. Still, what sets his depiction of a split-personality, revanchist killing machine apart from his forebears is that he almost immediately reveals to the viewer that Lucie is the one still hurting herself. Lucie’s manifested guilt is not entirely the driving mechanism behind the film: what eventually takes precedence is uncovering who the monsters are that created it and why they did it.

The fact that Laugier has a perfectly normal family act as the perpetrators of the film’s gruesome activities serves firstly as a dig at Craven’s Last House. The wily and utterly audacious Frenchman effectively shames the fittingly named American for stopping as short as he did in pointing the finger of blame at a small suburban couple who, having just lost their daughter to a gang of thugs, decide to creatively slaughter her executioners. Laugier upends that film’s self-satisfied, pseudo-ambiguous conclusion by suggesting that perhaps these milquetoast, child-rearing folk had a reason for hurting other people that goes beyond their family tree, a reason that is infinitely more sinister because it serves a curiosity that has no ties to the domestic or even the mundane. These people torture others because they want to vicariously experience their “other”ness, to see what it’s like to have a person cross over to “the other side” and come back to tell them how green the grass is. This is where I really start to go out on a limb, so bear with me.

...Though it may look obvious or intentional, during this process of bloodletting, the skin color of the only martyr left alive gets a little darker after a couple of beatings (there’s no logical explanation for this as the martyr in question is never shown to be hurt with anything except her captors’ fists and boots). The martyrs are beaten without a word from their jailers, as if to show that the act of beating another person cannot possibly be called an “advanced interrogation tactic.” These girls must first be completely alienated and once they’ve been physically and emotionally broken down, they have their “other”ness and all other traces of their identity forcibly ripped away from them. This means literally losing their skin, the flesh ripped away to reveal glistening tendons and muscles. Any possible sign of their race or gender is thus completely removed, turning them into so much unidentifiable flesh. First the martyr becomes an “other,” then they become nothing. There is no possibility of “getting off” here, just a hyper-real representation of the horror of physical suffering. This is the kind of movie that justifies its daunting provocation with scant but revealing dialogue like,“People no longer envisage suffering, young lady.” Martyrs has an intelligence and a dogged determination to do and to say what its predecessors could or would not.

https://www.slantmagazine.com/film/martyrs-2008/

In one pivotal scene Anna discovers a victim, chained in a cellar dungeon beneath a family home. She’s a terrifying sight: her eyes covered with a metal visor which has been nailed into her skull and her emaciated body covered in scars and scratches.

Our first instinct is to shy away – to shun this horrific, yelping creature, who has been brutalised into something less-than human, and is all the more frightening for it. And yet, just as we’re poised for a nasty shock or attack, Anna reaches for the woman’s hand, presumably offering her the first kind, truly human contact she has received for years.

In a film filled with savagery and horror, it’s a moment that shocks to the core: a reminder that unexpected tenderness can be as viscerally, skin-shiveringly affecting as torture.

...Like the worst real-world monsters (Josef Mengele is the obvious example), the movie’s torturers, whose true motivation is revealed in the final act, are also convinced that they’re doing the right thing. They see themselves as experimenters, explorers, brave pioneers – and, disturbingly, Martyrs manages to temporarily put its audience into their blood-stained shoes. Even as we wince for the film’s victims, we find ourselves simultaneously desperate to know what their abusers will uncover.

Ultimately, horror movies can frighten us in lots of different ways, combining their inherent darkness with sly humour, adrenalin-fuelled scares, or with painterly splashes of gore. But Martyrs is a rare creation: a 21st-century film that subtly elicits all the sorrow of the preceding century, imbues its scenes of torture with a sense of vivid, heart-breaking pity, and forces us to really feel. Is it painful to watch? Very much so. But worth the suffering? Absolutely.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/film/what-to-watch/martyrs-2008-pascal-laugier/

Most of the conversation people have about Martyrs concerns its final 30 minutes or so, and for good reason: That’s when the film shifts gears and heads into the torture sequences that have given it such notoriety. (And definitively trumped the most harrowing moments in other French extreme horror movies like High Tension, Frontier(s), and Inside.) What they forget is that the first hour is completely gripping and suspenseful in an entirely different and infinitely more palatable way. Yes, it’s bloody and disturbing in its own right, but it’s also genuinely charged and full of arresting ambiguity, far from the clinical sickness that follows in the third act. Torture isn’t in the foreground yet, but informs the action, as a once-abused child grows up to exact a revenge that may be just or may be the product of a haunted and irretrievably damaged mind.

...In the final act, which is as bloodless and clinical as the first two-thirds were propulsive and emotional, Laugier seeks not just to reveal humankind’s capacity for cruelty and exploitation, but its capacity for suffering as well. The explicitness of Anna’s torture and “martyrdom”—a demonstration of female strength and resilience that’s meant as a (suspect) type of feminism—isn’t quite like that in so-called “torture porn” movie. It’s not mediated by gimmicky machines like those in Saw franchise or carried out in the spirit of psychosis or vengeance, as in Wolf Creekor The Devil’s Rejects. It has more in common with real, institutional forms of torture and human experimentation, and is conducted with an emotional distance that’s infinitely more disturbing and terrible. We simply watch Anna get broken down—systematically, inexplicably:

...And so on, until she’s so completely pliant that she doesn’t wince or fight or feel fear any more. Then it’s on to “Stage Four,” which is so horrific it isn’t worth describing. All of these sessions are handled in brief, methodical chunk, followed by a cut to black. They have the effect of breaking down the audience, too, because we eventually come to the realization that Anna—though strong and resilient in the classic “Final Girl” way—has about as much chance of extricating herself from this situation as detainees not named Harold and Kumar have of escaping Guantanamo Bay. Being robbed of that narrative expectation is incredibly deflating, even soul-crushing, and I think Laugier means it to be. On some level, Martyrs feels like a comment on other films of its kind, because it shuts down any notion that pleasure could be derived from watching it. It feels like the death of extreme horror—or at least takes the subgenre as far as it can conceivably go.

https://film.avclub.com/martyrs-1798223075

@lobotomybarbie

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teyrnacousland · 6 years

Text

So I just found out about the Faces of Thedas thing with Anders (I know, I’m late to the party, but I only just now saw it online here) and I just.

What. The. Fuck.

I don't even know who they're talking about because it’s certainly not about the Anders we know and love. Maybe this book was written by Templars? Anyways I’m pissed and I accidentally wrote, like, an essay to point out all the things they got wrong. I even have sources, up until about halfway through where I shifted from essay format to full blown angry ranting. I’ve spent hours on this. Help.

“A virtuous heart? Well... two out of three isn’t so bad. [...] He’s selfish.”

Did they actually just call Anders selfish and imply he doesn’t have a virtuous heart?? Anders who comes back to help you even if you send him away after he’s freed from the Templars and the darkspawn are dead. (As seen HERE. Seriously. Watch that video and tell me this man is selfish. Tell me all he cares about is joking and running away. I dare you.) Anders who begs you not to leave Amaranthine because if there's even one person alive you have to save them? Anders who opens a free healing clinic in the worst part of Kirkwall and works there tirelessly pretty much 24/7 just so he can help as many people as he can????

”[...] a coward [...]”

A coward?? Anders??? Anders who came back to help after you sent him away because he couldn’t just leave you to fight alone when he knew he could help. Anders who despite all his protests about the Deep Roads (he’s claustrophobic!!!) will still go with you every time you ask. Anders who isn’t necessarily eager to go on the suicide mission to save Amaranthine but will not argue if you bring him. Anders isn’t a coward just because he’s afraid, he’s a brave, kind, incredible person because he will help people no matter how afraid he is.

"He played the part of a good little Warden, all the while planning his next disappearing act."

Anders was an amazing Warden, there was no “playing”. He wanted to help people and he did. And he explicitly says he isn’t planning on running away if you ask him in his personal quest. (LINK it’s at 10:13, if the link doesn’t work right)

"While he ostensibly belongs to the Libertarian Fraternity of mages"

Anders says in Awakening that the Libertarian’s plan to pull away from the Chantry is “a recipe for disaster”. (LINK) I’ll concede that it is possible he’s part of the Libertarians because they’re the closest aligned with his views despite him not agreeing with exactly what they want to achieve or how. Although even then it's still unlikely, because for Anders to be an Enchanter wouldn't he have to have an apprentice? I'm pretty sure he doesn't. And he never introduces himself as an enchanter. So he can't be part of ANY mage fraternity.

(About escaping the Circle) “It’s not out of righteous indignation-- it’s fun!”

Hoo boy. This is the most blatant piece of mischaractreization I’ve ever read. Tell me this man was not full of righteous indignation. And you can’t think of one reason besides “fun” that he would try to run away? He literally tells you one of the Templars used to call him inhumane and kicked him in the head to wake him up (LINK, at 0:29), they put him in solitary confinement in a dungeon for a whole year. AND, in Dragon Age: The World of Thedas, vol. 2, pp. 160-162 (sourced from the Wiki, I don’t actually have this book. Yet.) when asked why he ran away “he tearfully replied that he had simply wanted to go home”. What fun.

Just because he makes light of his escapes and subsequent captures doesn’t mean he’s just messing around. What it means is that he’s smart. If he’s a joke, he’s not a threat. If he doesn’t fight back when they come for him, if he laughs and jokes and plays along, they don’t have any excuse to kill him.

“Enlisting Anders requires appealing to his primary concern: his own amusement.”

Yes, as seen in this video where you don’t even ask him to help and he offers anyways (LINK, at 14:57), or the one mentioned above where you tell him to run off and he comes back to help you (here it is again). Clearly he is a selfish coward who just wants to fight the darkspawn for... his own... amusement? Alongside someone who for all he knows will turn him in to the Templars as soon as they get the chance (which you can do, might I remind you). He has no reason to trust you, but he puts his own safety aside because he wants to help. What a selfish coward he is.

“[Justice] became a lodestone to orient Anders' shaky moral compass"

Are you kidding me?? Anders and Justice joined because their moral compasses were aligned. And this inaccurate slander of a characterization isn't even consistent with itself. Their selfish jokester version of Anders had no reason to make this deal with Justice, and Justice had no reason to suggest it if he didn’t think Anders was a good person. Our Anders agreed to host Justice because he's compassionate and wanted to help his friend, and because he was starting to let himself believe that maybe they could actually change things, which he'd never believed he could do on his own. Before Justice he just felt helpless to change anything. That's why he's so bitter about mage rights in Awakening. And Justice knew this, so Justice wanted to help.

The “Variations” Boxes

Do I need to point out how gross it is to refer to executing him as “bringing an end to his suffering”? But also, look at the general difference between the two variations. If you kill Anders, people support him and elevate him to martyrdom and follow in his footsteps, but if you let him live then everyone hates him forever and he’s miserable and on the run for the rest of his life. I don’t really know the motivation behind this but it’s clear they want you to think killing him is the “good” choice. Also, one specific line in the “killing Anders” box annoys me:

"His valiant and ultimately doomed blow against their oppressors"

Doomed?? Anders started a rebellion. It was bound to happen eventually, the rebellion and the war have been building up for years. But he gave the mages an advantage. HE started the war, not the Templars. And thus he gave them a chance to fight back. Because if the Templars had been the ones to start the war you can guarantee they would have done it by either turning every mage Tranquil or cutting them all down while they were all nice and rounded up in their Circles. Most of them would never have seen it coming. He gave mages everywhere a better chance to fight back. And he succeeded. Circles fell. The Divine agreed to a Conclave to negotiate their freedom. He started that, he was the first step. Anders is a hero.

"His friendship with Justice awakened a keener awareness of and and empathy for the plight of all mages."

Are they really trying to say that JUSTICE awakened a sense of empathy in Anders? Have you met these two? Anders is the empathetic one, the one who cares about individual people. Yes, Justice wants justice for the mages too, he also believes they deserve to be free and he wants to fight for them. But Anders is the one who feels their pain, which is the definition of empathy.

Not to mention that despite the way he lightheartedly brushes off Justice’s insistence that he do something to help the other mages, he does obviously care. He brushes everything off with humor because it’s a coping mechanism. But in one of his banters with Justice he says: “Yes, well. Welcome to the world, spirit.” in a defeated tone. He wishes he could do something but he’s just one little mage. He’s resigned, not apathetic.

"A chance meeting with Hawke [...] was the catalyst for Anders' fanaticism. Through their association, Anders witnessed firsthand the increasingly heavy-handed measures taken [...] against mages."

He gets into mage rights because of... Hawke? He knows the Circles are terrible because he was in one. He learns about how bad the Gallows are from the people at the clinic, and Karl’s letters, and through his own investigations. Why are we taking away Anders' agency and saying that he was only confronted with and only started caring about these things because of his association with Hawke?

The entire first paragraph on the second column of page 6, starting with "Vengeance’s influence"

This entire profile is filled with this disgusting undertone of “oh this poor crazy mage and his delusions”, but it’s especially prevalent in this paragraph. They word it as if Anders gave in to some temptation Justice was pushing for. And as though they were wrong. And they say this as if he were wrong. They say Justice "pushed Anders to conclude freedom for mages would never be granted" as though he hadn’t come to that conclusion after being ignored for YEARS. Seven long years they (meaning Anders and Justice) spent trying to make someone, ANYONE listen, and they never used violence (except in self-defense) throughout those years because Anders is not a violent person. Neither is Justice, not needlessly. Their one act of violence was a last resort and it went against everything either of them stand for, but something HAD to be done and they knew nothing else would work because they'd already tried everything else. And he didn’t have time to think up another way, because things were escalating with or without him. Meredith was trying to invoke the Right of Annulment. It was a now or never thing, and this was the only way he could save anyone.

"Elthina called the city's mages and templars to a conclave to hopefully broker peace."

This isn’t even true! There was no conclave, and unless I’m forgetting Elthina made zero effort to "broker peace", she chose “neutrality” on a field where neutral means Templars get to openly abuse and rape and lobotomize mages as they please.

And yes, Anders didn’t want their compromise, because there was never going to be a compromise. Because those in power, the Chantry, had no reason to compromise. They held all the cards. The mages had nothing to offer, nothing to threaten, they had nothing. The mages were dealing with a millennia of oppression and abuse, and the Chantry were dealing with little more than an annoyance. How could any compromise be fair under those circumstances? And even if the Templars did decide to compromise, how do you compromise freedom? What is the middle ground between human rights and being treated like a slave?

Anders knew that the Chantry would never offer the mages any kind of freedom anyways. They couldn’t. They would have offered something small and inconsequential as a token so they could say that they’d tried to compromise, and the mages would have had to either resign and accept it, or refuse and risk the Chantry using it as an excuse to call them unreasonable and rebellious and get rid of them, which they were already talking about doing. And Anders believed, with good reason, that Orsino would do the former, would condemn them to another however many millennia of rolling over and letting their rights be trampled just to avoid escalating things.

"Even among those who share his convictions [...] he is considered a lunatic extremist."

Really? Every mage thought that? Every person who ever went to his clinic to be healed (for free, by the way) thought he was just some “lunatic”? Every member of the Mage Underground, every mage that he helped rescue from the Gallows, every person he sheltered and freed and healed, his lover, his friends, EVERYONE thought that he was just a “lunatic extremist”??

This line is actually disgusting. The Templars wrote him off as a “lunatic” when he didn’t play the victim like they wanted him to, and the Chantry called him an “extremist” for daring to oppose them. These are the words that were used by his oppressors to further oppress him and dismiss his very real and valid concerns. His supporters never thought this.

Honestly, the entire "relationships" section is just garbage. He doesn’t bring misery to everyone he encounters, he brings every Hawke nothing but joy and they all love him because he's a wonderful, kind, smart person who's easy to love and they’re starting a fan club for him and inviting everyone who respects and appreciates him to join.

"He's most likely to value those who don't deny, excuse, or rationalize his multitude of sins."

This is the worst line. “Anders doesn’t want to be supported, he wants you to hate him and think he’s a monster because that’s the only way he’ll learn!” Also since it’s relevant, here’s a line they have later: "He wants to be [a] good person [...] but he can't see the way forward through the fog of anger and remorse. He needs a guide." They’re saying what the Chantry says, that mages can’t be trusted to make their own decisions. That they can’t be trusted with the responsibility of managing their own lives. He’s just a “troubled” “lunatic” in need of someone to guide his subhuman incompetent self through basic life choices. He doesn’t want someone to support his beliefs and decisions, he needs someone who will tear them down and tell him why he’s wrong, and instruct him on how he’s supposed to act instead. (Fun fact, that’s abusive!)

Also to me this reads as a fun little dig designed to try and guilt people who support Anders by trying to tell us that he doesn’t value us or our support and doesn’t want it, and that what we’re doing is actually bad for him, so that’s fun.

"Anders is a pariah, arguably the most universally despised person alive"

Hawke's new Anders fan club/support group says otherwise. Also the Hero of Ferelden is a member now too, because fuck you, she loves him unconditionally. Seriously though, it’s just unrealistic that no one would support him. The fandom proves this. LOTS of people support him. And his actions didn’t even save us specifically from a lifetime of abuse/death, whereas for the Kirkwall mages in game it very much did.

"But only the most bloodthirsty fanatics condone the cold-blooded murder of hundreds."

And please note their second attempt to try and guilt people who support Anders, this time by calling us "bloodthirsty fanatics". Cute, no? I support Anders even more now, fuck you.

“Vengeance's hushed whispers chip away at Ander's desperate desire for atonement."

Justice (/"Vengeance") OPPOSES Anders' "desire for atonement"?? Justice. Justice who spends half of Awakening running around telling your companions to atone for their wrongdoings. (Atone is actually literally the word he uses with Velanna!) That guy wasn't on board with Anders' "desire for atonement"?

Again, bullshit, even if we’re not considering the fact that Hawke CAN kill Anders, which is something they wouldn't have been physically possible unless Justice had allowed it. Justice protects Anders from physical harm all other times, why would that suddenly not apply? Because as I said, this goes against everything either of them stands for, and while they both see it as necessary they both desire atonement and justice. Anders wants it because of the guilt and depression he feels, and Justice wants it because they need to atone because that's what is just, and also because he's scared of becoming a demon.

Okay, less important, but what’s up with those stats?

Why does his "deception/persuasion" stat go up when he joins with Justice? The book itself claimed that pre-Justice Anders was charming and impossible not to like, while together they were apparently utterly unlikable. Also Justice is basically physically incapable of deception, since he HAS to always act on his nature.

Also his empathy is at 2 for both, despite them literally claiming that Justice increased his empathy. (And despite Anders being canonically one of the most empathetic people in the series, but I digress.)

In conclusion.

tl;dr Anders is the best person I know, fuck you.

#anders #dragon age #dragon age 2 #anders was right #faces of thedas #as written by knight commander meredith apparently because who else would tell such blatant lies #none of this is even touching on how badly they demonized and vilified justice. i might even make a whole separate post because justice is #good person too

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thevoilinauttheory · 5 years

Text

Never-Ending Survey | Maximiloix

Tagged by @elegie-de-sang! Thank you so much, and thank you for your patience! It’s been a while since I got this orz

Tagging: uhh... anyone who has wanted to do this and hasn’t! Please! Do! It! And tag me! I want to see all of your lovely characters!

BASICS.

FULL NAME: Maximiloix Soleil Voilinaut

NICKNAME: (Hates all of his nicknames) Max [by most], Maxie [by Caromont].

AGE: 109

BIRTHDAY: 28th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon

ETHNIC GROUP: Elezen

NATIONALITY: Ishgardian

LANGUAGE/S: Common, Old Ishgardian, Old Sharlayan, Dragonspeak (to a degree, his pronunciation is horrible), Sign Language; in the process of teaching himself Far Eastern languages and dialects; is familiar with Ilsabardian words and terms, unable to speak the language fluently.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION : Pansexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : Panromantic

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: It’s complicated. Legally, he’s single.

HOME TOWN / AREA: Ishgard, Coerthas

CURRENT HOME: Mist, Limsa Lominsa

PROFESSION: Teacher, Aetherologist, Historian

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: Unnaturally white with hints of brown. Base of neck length, kind of wavy. Very well groomed and taken care of.

EYES: One is a whitish-silver, the other is a light teal. Almond shaped, with constant bags under them.

FACE: Squared, angular jaw. High cheekbones.

LIPS: Kinda average for his face shape and size, always wears lipstick.

COMPLEXION: Tanned from outdoor work, usually on the paler side.

BLEMISHES: Aside from the bags under his eyes, he has very few visible blemishes.

SCARS: A lot. Mostly covering his chest and back. The most noticeable ones are the thin scar along his cheek, and a nasty deformation on his right arm.

TATTOOS: Geometrical patterns are tattooed around his entire body, everywhere except his face, to help him cast magic easier and more efficiently.

HEIGHT: 7′4′‘

WEIGHT: ~200lbs.

BUILD: Lanky and frail looking. He has muscle due to his time as a logger and Templar, but he is lacking in physical strength with his old age.

FEATURES: Long and well kept fingernails, well-groomed. All other prominent features have already been stated.

ALLERGIES: Deathly allergic to mushrooms.

USUAL HAIR STYLE: Well washed and maintained, looks very soft. It is usually kept loose. On rare occasions, it will be tied back to keep it from getting in his face while he works.

USUAL FACE LOOK : Annoyed, irritated, and angry.

USUAL CLOTHING: Does not have much of a closet - or he does, and he prefers to wear the same thing everyday. Garishly long white robes, tight black pants, black high-heeled boots, and a black eyepatch.

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR/S: Drowning, being buried alive, being alone, being forgotten, losing his friends and family, powerlessness.

ASPIRATION/S: To correct his many mistakes, and hopefully become on good terms with his family. Or at least speaking terms.

POSITIVE TRAITS: Protective, inquisitive, friend to the poor man. He *does* know how to have fun, I swear.

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Almost constantly annoyed or irritated at something; power-hungry; selfish; will not hesitate to throw anyone under him when it comes to gaining new power and knowledge.

TEMPERAMENT: Choleric / Melancholic

SOUL TYPE/S: 16% Educator / 15% Thinker / 12% Leader

ANIMAL/S: Falcon.

VICE HABIT/S: Alcoholism, Self-Martyrdom

FAITH: Halone, apparently.

GHOSTS?: Believes in them to a degree.

AFTERLIFE?: Kind of?

REINCARNATION?: A more plausible and sensible option after death.

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: Absolutely loathes people of noble birth, unless proven themselves to *not* be assholes. Stays on the side of the poor man, and will fight for their rights.

EDUCATION LEVEL: While he doesn’t know everything, he does know a lot for someone who’s education level is “I learned how to read”. There were no schools for him to attend as a child, so he learned through experience, traveling, and reading.

FAMILY.

FATHER : Adelnard Voilinaut

MOTHER : Genevieve Voilinaut

SIBLINGS : He is the eldest of 9 - here’s a list.

EXTENDED FAMILY: He has a lot of children and extended family members, and here’s a list as well!

NAME MEANING/S: Based off the Common, Eorzean, name, Maximillion - which means “Greatest Rival”. (Also I just used the random name generator and went “what a cool ass name” until I learned how to pronounce it.)

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: None, in-game.

FAVORITES.

BOOK: Will never admit it, but thoroughly enjoys raunchy romance novels. Good luck finding his collection.

DEITY: Halone.

HOLIDAY: The Starlight Celebration. It gives him a reason to (begrudgingly - to keep up appearances) give gifts to people.

MONTH: Likely the 6th Umbral Moon (December)- not only the month of his favorite holiday and season; but it was the month he met Caromont as well.

SEASON: Winter.

PLACE: Says Ishgard, but really wherever his family and friends are.

WEATHER: Loves snow, maybe not blizzards, but definitely show showers.

SOUND / S: Silence, tea kettle boiling, pages of books flipping.

SCENT / S: Coerthan cedar; Dravanian Lilies; Furymint.

TASTE / S: Furymint, black tea - lots of salt.

FEEL / S: Wool and mink. Sanded down and polished wood; cold stone.

ANIMAL / S: Likes animals, will not own any. Falcons are his favorite.

NUMBER: 3,582. Specific, but there’s a reason behind it.

COLORS: White, blue, gold.

EXTRA.

TALENTS: Magic and all things magical in nature; the ability to learn new things quickly.

BAD AT: Focusing on anything that is not studying or interesting to him; cooking; can’t swim; bad at dealing with people - even worse if the person is upset.

TURN ONS: Major turn ons include having his hair pulled on, and being embarrassed in public or in front of others. He is attracted to intelligence and someone he can lean on; being attractive is a plus.

TURN OFFS: Needy, or greedy for his attention. Displays low intelligence in situations that do not call for it. Sexually, does not like preforming oral - does not like mouth stuff, whatsoever.

HOBBIES: Reading, teaching, studying new things, traveling/adventuring.

TROPES: Jerk with a Heart of Gold; Big Ego, Hidden Depths; Villain with Good Publicity

QUOTES:

“He is not yours to burn - get out, GET OUT!”

“I have not felt such exhilaration in years…”

“I am not stupid, I am mad. You were a fool to trust me in the first place.”

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1 : If you could write your character your way in their own movie, what would it be called, what style would it be filmed in, and what would it be about?

A1 : It would probably be one of those villain origin stories, either of his life growing up; or it would be him slowly going mad - like my Memories!AU. It would be very dark, definitely an R movie, maybe even something horror-esque. As for titles? /shrug I’m no good with those.

Q2 : What would their soundtrack/score sound like?

A2 : Definitely piano, organ, and harpsichord based. Maybe a little violin and cello. Something soft and somewhat haunting.

Q3 : Why did you start writing this character?

A3 : Ha... ha... I don’t want to admit that it gave me a reason to be mean to people lmao. I’m generally a super nice person, a people pleaser, and a rug that everyone walks over. Max’s character was supposed to reflect a couple of things - if I handled my guilt worse than I have irl, and if he were the sarcastic, rude, bastard I have no heart to be.

Q4 : What first attracted you to this character?

A4 : ^^ The above. Max was originally supposed to be young, naive, clumsy, and an anxiety ridden mess; and for the love of god, do not get me started on his original design. He became the opposite of those things, and Lothaire took up the mantle of his original personality.

Q5 : Describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse.

A5 : Max is an absolute fucking asshat that can’t let things be. Let dead things be dead, kind of thing. Can’t move on. He will definitely step on his friends and family if it meant gaining more power.

Q6 : What do you have in common with your muse?

A6 : The guilt of believing that we are the cause of the death to a loved one. I’m pretty sure I handled it better. We also have a lot of internalized rage.

Q7 : How does your muse feel about you?

A7 : lmao, he probably hates me. I *am* the source of all of his angst and anger, tbh. His life has been a mess and it is literally all my fault.

Q8 : What characters does your muse have interesting interactions with ?

A8 : Caromont, Shango, and Amarice - definitely. All three are people who push his ability to be a better person.

Q9 : What gives you inspiration to write your muse ?

A9 : Max is one of those characters that everyday is inspiration for him - it’s just finding the motivation to write. He’s not necessarily my longest running XIV character, but he is certainly one of my favorites to RP.

Q10 : How long did this take you to complete ?

A10 : A while - I lost motivation, forgot it was in my drafts, then got it done during my entire shift at work lmao.

A big ol’ shoutout to @shangomango and @amarice-sovald for their characters and helping shape Max into what he is today.

#tagged answers #about: Maximiloix Voilinaut #the cold truth: tagged

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morethanonepage · 6 years

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thoughts on Keanu Reeves Constantine?

y’know this is an interesting question bc i actually have a lot of….if not affection for the movie, at least respect for some of the adaptation choices made. Like the most common line in re: film!Constantine is that it’s a good movie but it’s not a good Hellblazer movie and in a sense that’s right, it’s not – but it’s interesting. A noble failure, definitely.

What I think it hinges on is that it’s an American setting so they went full blown American with it – which is a mistake in my mind bc the point of Hellblazer is that it’s a quintessentially English story, and that’s why every run with an American writer in the comics is meh for me – but in the sense of “American AU Constantine” I think there were some really interesting/clever choices made.

Like starting with their John – Keanu is all wrong for original brand Constantine. His John is broody, he’s brunet, he’s Good At Magic. And comics!John is the opposite of all those things. And while comics!John can be broody, the important thing is the comics themselves tend to undercut that – there’s a lot of kind of snarky takes about John being in a sulk for whatever reason, some of it even from John himself. You get very little of that in the movie, and the movie itself is very TAKE THIS MAN’S PAIN SERIOUSLY about it, so. BUT in a sense that loner self flagellating thing is an American Male Archetype the way comic John has a very English & self deprecating sense of humor, so: ok, I can kinda see it, more as a translation (to American audiences) than an adaptation.

[READ MORE BC OMG WHY DID I CARE SO MUCH???]

They make John Catholic in the movie, which is another kind of interesting choice – in the comics he’s not anything specifically though I would imagine he would’ve been raised Church of England as likely as anything else. But they kind of commit to John’s Catholicism in the movie, most likely because it has more ~mysticism~ (and the association with exorcism in general) behind it. But it also kind of sets John up as An Other, because it’s the religion of a lot of the second class immigrants (like, the Irish initially, then Latinx Americans, etc). White Catholics have a bit of a different rep, but given that the film is set in LA in the late 20th century, for me it set up more of those associations than anything else. It’s also so much more about the SUFFERING and the MARTYRDOM and the REDEMPTION NARRATIVE, which is not so much a thing in the comics (where John often does/tries to do good things but usually NOT for the explicit purpose of ~cleansing his soul~, so it’s kind of notable/interesting that both American-based adaptations [TV and Movie] focus on that a lot more. It’s may also make more sense as an arc for the medium but y’know) but IS notably a big thing in the movie.

And the thing about John, even in the comics, is that he’s an Other but Normal Passing – with comics he presents in a very Proper English Man (which is why it’s SO IMPORTANT for me that he starts off on his adventures with his shirt properly done up and his tie right, and then as the day/his bullshit unfurls he gets sloppier) way, he’s white, he’s blond, he’s handsome etc, but he’s also a bisexual mess/working class disaster mage with a progressive bent, and in the movie he’s kind of a traditional American anti hero but also has his own stuff going on. It’s not as well executed as it could be – there’s not a lot of subversion in the film version, which is kind of the point of John – but at least you get hints of his potential sexuality and they go into his mental health issues (suicide attempt, etc) and his smoking, etc.

So John is an interesting translation – not perfect, but interesting. I would even argue that he’s the weakest point in the movie as a translation-not-adaptation (tho lol baby bear Chas Kramer is up there), bc he’s very basic supernatural protagonist with no flourish. Which is not the case for the rest of the film, which COMMITS to the genre it is and does it honestly very well.

For instance I love their conception of Ravenscar, the mental hospital John has A Bad History with – in the comics it’s got an old, spooky, mad house aesthetic from the 19th century, which fits the comics and John’s history and vibe really well. The movie version goes what I feel is a very modern American direction with it: one of the 20th century industrial monsters, a huge grey building, with the fear of mental health coming from that very specific post-war fear of anything ABNORMAL (including sexuality but y’know).

The setting of LA is great – a couple of (American) comic writers have given John’s arcs there, probably for the irony of CITY OF ANGELS etc, but I think it’s a really interesting choice/contrast to everything London (where John’s mostly based in comics, tho he does sometimes roam the countryside fucking things up) represents: superficial, modern, bright days, beauty, opulence vs the grey gritty grunginess of John’s London life, etc. So for that to be movie!John’s homebase is kinda neat, frankly, esp because of the cases John gets to work on there. The set design is also great – very colorful, very willing to pull in the florescent glare of a modern city, with the Latinx Catholic touches on the streets (look the votive candles and shrines are SUCH an easy go to for ~creepy urban flavor~ and it’s probably at least a little problematic for this film featuring some other really questionable racial choices I will get to later, but) in general it LOOKS great. Their conception of hell is also fascinating and very well executed imo.

I also think there’s ONE (1) thing I think the movie does better than the tv show: the setting is WAY more dug into the working class/legit poverty of LA behind the shiny surface Hollywood stuff. The show really only hit that point in the New Orleans ep and even then….didn’t fully commit to it, but it’s SUCH a key part of the comic universe. Like Chas himself (in the show) is pitch perfect but in the ep about his family they’re LIVING IN A BROOKLYN BROWNSTONE which, real talk, is worth millions of dollars. Literally millions. On a cab driver’s salary???? Ridic. Still mad about it w/e w/e. Baby Bear Chas Kramer with his shitty cab and probably shitty apartment, following John around like a stunned duckling, is way more comics canon accurate, probably.

Rachel Weiz’s character has a lot of potential – they make her Catholic too, to have some sort of connection with John, which is eh, and they also make her a twin, whose sister kills herself at Ravenscar. Given how much John’s early backstory issue are focused around HIM being a twin (whose birth killed both his mother and his (theoretically stronger) brother) that could’ve been a cool thing to allude to, but they don’t touch on it. And Angela (ANOTHER ANGEL THING) is p cool as a character – she’s unconvinced about the ~spooky shit~ stuff until she sees evidence of it, and then believes it, as a normal average human likely would. She’s brave, she asks questions, etc. She’s not just Love Interest tho there’s a bit of that. And anyway I love Rachel Weiz generally, she’s great, could’ve had more to do though.

Tilda Swinton shows up a lot in the gifs and it was a cool choice to cast her as Gabriel – they play up the androgyny and make her less obvious of a dick than comics Gabriel is (though she ends up being…probably more of one, or at least more effective). I think their Lucifer is good too – oily and weird and creepily gentle at times. He also doesn’t get a lot to do, but he doesn’t need to – he doesn’t in the comics, usually, either.

BUT the racial stuff – the supernatural macguffin that’s supposed to bring about the end of the world is found IN A MEXICAN DESERT and then SMUGGLED OVER THE BORDER to LA to bring about the end of the world, like, who wrote this, Donald J. Trump?? – is generally #bad. But this is something it shares with the show (GOD THOSE MEXICO EPS, I LEGIT ALMOST QUIT THE SHOW BC OF IT), tho at least they had an actual Mexican actress to temper that nonsense. NO SUCH LUCK from the movie – just lots of creepy zombish brown people trying to bring around an apocalypse, super cool.

And not only is meh as a metaphor, to impute such a conservative metaphor into a the Hellblazer Verse, with its infamous/classic DEMON YUPPIES FROM HELL and in general tips toward the progressive/pro immigrant ethos, is BAFFLING to me. I mean maybe more in tune with American sentiments about everything, which I have argued above is an interesting choice, but still, boooo.

Also the fact that John quits smoking at the end of the movie is such Hollywood garbage it almost outweighs the positives. I mostly imagine he and Angela date for like a month, he’s such a bitch when going through withdrawal that she dumps his ass, and then he goes back to smoking/sulking around LA doing bad exorcisms. That’s the real John Constantine, babey!!!

#oh god i scrolled up and saw much i wrote this is nonsense #more than you or anyone else should ever know about my feelings about constantine (2005)#constantine #hellblazer #waverly-earp

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tripably · 6 years

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Self-reflection through writing: one’s not supposed to try to raise their partner, right?

I’ve known for long that I hate pampering, and I do not think it’s healthy to have a romantic relationship in which one serves the other like a maid, a nanny, a mother. So I don’t have that. But as it turns out I’m not the most nurturing kind of a girlfriend either, which is something I didn’t expect. Here’s how it came to light.

First, you need to know that my boyfriend is pretty... open when it comes to physical pain or discomfort. I know I myself can be pretty damn dramatic on occasion (”on occasion” lol) (it’s for jokes) (usually), but this guy, I stg, either he’s the most accident-prone, already-grandpa-bodied young man alive, or he’s exaggerating. I’ve always been leaning towards the latter, but it took me two and a half to start getting really annoyed at it. I’ve been telling him for months now that I can’t figure out how much pain he’s in at any given time, that I can’t tell if I need to be worried or not.

I was raised in a way that if it hurts but there’s nothing that can be done about it, then one should shut up about it. “Do we need to go to the doctor? No? Do you need a painkiller? No? Then stop complaining” is what I was told more that once. There was no room for flamboyant face-making either. To be perfectly clear: I’m not saying that we weren’t being cared for, because that’s not true. If we needed to see the doctor, we were taken there, and if we needed a bandaid, we got one. All the splinters were removed from our fingers and all our boo-boos were kissed. Occasionally we got ice cream if we were being brave. And we were definitely encouraged, even compelled, to tell if we weren’t feeling right. We obviously had the right not to be peachy all the time, but taking it out on someone else or dragging others down with us was simply not allowed. (Learning the balance between those two has been my life-long battle.) Fishing for undeserved pity was not rewarded. I completely understand where it was coming from: how do you tell when your child is actually hurt if they’re always complaining? But there’s a fine line between discouraging martyrdom and coming off as cold or uncaring. I fear I might be rocketing down that slippery slope.

The story takes place on our couch, where else. I was texting a friend about something, and my boyfriend was talking to me about something else while walking towards me. He then hit his foot on the corner of the couch. Dramatic declarations of pain ensued. I didn’t even turn to look, just continued texting as he crouched over the arm rest. The declarations seemed to be going on forever, and at some point I asked if he was alright, patted his back, and turned back to my phone. I was getting really annoyed at him, but didn’t say anything. I figured he’d get over it eventually if I didn’t “reward his martyrdom with attention”. We’ve all hit our feet agains hard objects, and while it’s not fun, it’s not serious.

At some point he started wondering why it hurt so much more than usual. I wanted to roll my eyes, but asked him if he’d taken his sock off to see if there was any damage or whatever. Of course he hadn’t. I wanted to roll my eyes some more. He took his sock off and started examining his foot, but since he is the most grandpa-bodied young man in the world, he couldn’t really get close enough to see properly. He said there was blood and wondered if the nail was going to come off. He asked me to look at it.

Here’s something else you need to know: I HATE seeing bodily fluids. Everything that’s supposed to be under the skin of any being should stay there as they are. My body seems to have a mind of its own, separate from my more conscious mind, and it deems it unnatural to have anyone’s stuffings taken out, or people being stuffed with new things. My imagination seems to have made I deal with my body, a deal not dissimilar from the Finno-Soviet Treaty of 1948. I’m not sure which one’s which. I get super nauseous and shaky just hearing people talk about severe trauma to the body. Blood works are always a battle. Getting a vaccine is a combat against mental images that I can’t even describe. How can I watch Grey’s Anatomy, you ask? I power though the bad stuff. Mama didn’t raise no weakling. If I want the drama, I’ll have to survive the trauma. Magic always comes with a cost.

So I frowned and closed my eyes, and as he was still talking trying to persuade me into doing what was asked, I literally told him to shut up so I could gather myself. I didn’t want to be a wuss about it. So he shut up, and I braced myself. Looking at the little toe I saw that there was blood under the nail. He continued talking again, telling what he thought was happening with the toe, and I wanted to shoot his face. Then I warned him that I was going to touch the toe to examine it better, since I figured he was going to whine and I didn’t want him to. He snatched his foot away. Then he pulled this face, this most hurt, most betrayed face I’ve ever seen. I though he was going to cry, and I’ve never seen him cry before. But he said, “You didn’t believe I was hurt.” It was so dramatic, so martyrious I couldn’t not laugh. And the non-nurturing, non-sensitive asshole I am, I joked it was his own fault. I said he’s like the boy who cried wolf, and he laughed a little. Later we laughed about it some more.

I joked, but I believed it 100%. I have wondered if I can raise this whining out of him or if it’s too late. I’ve even asked a friend who has a kid if the continued whining about pain is a cry for attention, and how an adult should react to it. So I feel bad, because that’s not something I should be thinking about. Raising him is not my job. He’s not a toddler or a child. I should accept him as he is, and learn not to be annoyed when he complains. Even if it feels like he’s complaining all the time. It’s his natural reaction, and I shouldn’t try to change it. I shouldn’t try to change him.

The feelings I have about his complaining, at the time of complaining, are a mix between irritation, disdain and remorse. Do I subconsciously think he’s my inferior? I hope not. I don’t want to go about thinking I’m better than someone else, especially someone I’m sharing my life with. Or perhaps a project of mine? We all are works-in-process, but I know we should only be working on ourselves. Me getting annoyed at him is not fixed by him stopping to do whatever it is that annoys me. It’s not purely his problem, or even his job to try and accommodate my feelings. His pain is never about me, yet by getting pissed at him I make it about me. I do things that annoy him and he deals with it. So how do I go about working on this? How do I become more patient, more kind, more soft? Is this how I’m going to be as a mother, if I ever have children of my own?

#self reflection #i need a plan #and concrete examples on how to better myself

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talesfromthefade · 6 years

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1, 8, & 10 (for the OC meme) for your Hawkes?

Questions about your OCs

1) What was the first element of your OC that you remember considering (name, appearance, backstory, etc.)?

I guess this would actually apply to both of them, but really it was the idea of their being two sets of Hawke twins, followed by their respective personalities and dynamic with one another. Garrett being- if not carefree- then at least wanting to come across that way, something of a clown, and Sonja by nature of her personality and being the eldest always trying to keep the peace and where she can apologize/make up for the various mistakes of her siblings.

8) What (if anything) do you relate to within their character/story?

I relate to them both, in very different ways.

Sonja, is very much a homage to my early years growing up. There’s a kind of- almost desperation- for people to like and approve of her, particularly those she cares about. She’s very aware and empathetic to those around her, particularly the pressures of her parents growing up trying to teach and conceal two apostate children. She grows up spending a lot of time, taking on a lot of responsibilities that were never hers in the first place to try and make life easier for them. That’s definitely something I draw upon from personal experiences to write. That also makes her a very rewarding and cathartic character to write as well, seeing her learn to recognize and unlearn those unhealthier behaviors and codependency and come into her own.

Garrett is more of an amalgamation. There are familiar aspects of myself in the way I write his character, but also a kind of wish fulfillment to him as well. Much of the time I think of witty comments or clever comebacks after the fact, or am still a bit too fearful of the possible consequences to voice them aloud. Garrett in some instances is the person I might be without as much of a filter. Or perhaps, more accurately, he’s the person my closest friends know me to be, rather than the sometimes more reserved public face I feel the need to put on.

10) If they have an LI, how much of their character is tailored to be compatible with that person?

I happened into this fandom by way of Dragon Age 2 being the free or discounted game of the week through my Xbox Live account. On the heels of nasty break up from an abusive relationship I should have recognized and broken free from long before, I fell in love with Fenris and his romance with the sarcastic mage Hawke I’d come back to write stories for some years later. It was a sign that it was possible to start over, to have (or even just to still deserve) a happy ending, love, etc. after damage. So, while I wouldn’t say that Garrett himself is tailored specifically for Fenris, I definitely find myself writing scenes or scenarios between them that are things I’ve since experienced in healthier relationships, or that might have been a balm for me then.

I actually think, at least when the pair of them first meet, Sonja is incredibly ill-suited for Anders. They’re mutually and pretty much from the start attracted to one another, but both very self-sacrificing and prone to martyrdom that makes it hard for them to get together in the first place and presents a lot of challenges I’ve only just started exploring in some of the pieces I write for them. Sonja learning who she is for herself, and being that person, rather than what she thinks anyone/everyone else would want is a massive development for her. Fortunately for her, that just adds another dimension for Anders to love and appreciate.

#saras-almanac #fenhawke #handers #garrett hawke #sonja hawke #aesthetic:garrett #aesthetic:sonja

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eldritchsurveys · 6 years

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o92.

Are you bored with your life? >> Not generally. Existential boredom happens sometimes, but it’s not necessarily chronic.

Have you ever seen a spirit? >> Maybe.

What's the most supernatural experience you've ever had? >> Friend, I am a supernatural experience.

Do you ever feel the presence of God? >> Some god or another. Usually Wednesday.

Would you rather have wings like a fairy or a fin like a mermaid? >> I think wings would be marginally more useful to me than a fin. I rather like having legs.

Which season would you like to be the goddess of? >> I’d rather not be trapped into the role of being the god of anything specific, especially not a season.

Do you have any spiritual gifts? >> I don’t know. Never really thought about it.

Would you say you are a spiritual? >> A spiritual, hah. Nah, I’m just whatever I am.

Do you believe in angels and demons? >> I knew a couple of angels. One was from Night Vale. His name was Tobias and he was very poetic. Even [especially?] when he was talking about cannibalism.

Do you believe in fairies, genies, or mermaids? >> I’m willing to believe in any of them.

Do you believe that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth? >> Sure.

Does the book of Revelation make sense to you? >> It does, now. It took me a long time to realise that it’s very possibly allegorical (and very possibly about the fall of Rome). In that context, a lot of things in Revelation make a lot more sense to me, and it became easier to swallow besides. But even as a mythological End of Days, or a turning point in mythic time, it makes a lot of sense, too -- there’s at least a few Ragnarök-esque elements in there. For a while I thought of Babylon as the US, and that also makes sense. So, yeah. Revelation makes sense to me.

What's your favorite mystical creature? >> Me.

What's your favorite supernatural book series? >> The Dark Tower saga.

Have you ever encountered an angel? >> Yep, already discussed earlier.

Do demons manifest around you a lot? >> No. I mean, they’re welcome to hang out, but generally I think they prefer more malleable quarry.

Have you ever cast out a demon? >> Nope.

Are demons afraid of you? >> I don’t know, I’ve never asked.

What's your favorite gypsy name? >> I stay away from the use of the word ‘gypsy’, personally.

If a genie appeared to you right now, what would you wish for? >> Nope. I don’t fuck with djinn. They’re much better at wordplay than I am.

What would you say is the most unique about you? >> I don’t know, I don’t really think much about that sort of thing.

If you were to write an original song, what would it be about? >> I don’t know.

As anyone ever asked you if you were an alien? >> Yeah, I’ve been asked that. Or straight-up told that. It varies.

As anyone ever asked you if you were an angel? >> Maybe. I don’t recall.

Do you think you would rather be a mystical creature or a human? >> I yam what I yam.

Do you have supernatural powers? If yes, what can you do? >> No, I have paracosmic powers of creation. Which isn’t supernatural because it doesn’t affect the rules of the physical world.

Do you know any witches? >> Sure, I know plenty.

Has anyone ever cast a spell or curse on you? >> Not to my knowledge. But, I mean, possibly.

Do you know how to break a curse? >> I’m sure I could figure it out with some research.

Do you curse others? >> Nah, I’ve considered it in times of duress but... nah.

Would you rather time travel to the past or future? >> I’d rather not, period. Time’s an ocean, anyway. I’m not tryna drown.

Do you wish you had the power to switch your emotions on and off at will? >> I mean, I don’t have enough problems with my emotions that this would be necessary. I kind of can switch them off.

What superpower do you most wish you had? >> Matter manipulation.

Are all of your needs met? >> Not all of them, not all of the time, but for the most part I’m not suffering terribly in the needs department.

Do you feel like your life is worth living? >> I mean, it doesn’t matter if it’s worth it or not, I’m living it anyway.

If you're gifted, does anyone know it? >> Gifted with what?

What do you do with your gifts? >> ---

Do you feel you live in a place where your gifts are honored and celebrated? >> Man, I don’t even know what you’re talking about, tbh.

Do you wish people acknowledge you and treated you with respect? >> Sure. Most of the time they do, anyway.

Do you wish you had the power to stop harassment? >> I’ve not wished for that specifically, no. But I’d imagine it’d be useful.

How old were you when you found out Santa wasn't real? >> I was never taught about Santa in the first place. It’s really too bad -- that whole legend is historically and mythologically fascinating. But it’s never too late. Plus, I have Russian Santa now (Nicholas St North, from the Guardians franchise -- Rise of the Guardians and Guardians of Childhood).

Can you relate to the story of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer? >> Not really, lol.

Do you hate inequality? >> Not necessarily.

Do people hate you because of your gifts? >> LOL wut.

If you had to give yourself an exotic name, what would it be? >> I do have ‘exotic’ names.

Do your family and friends have any superpowers? >> Not to my knowledge.

Are you a hero or a villain, or neither? Are you a commoner? >> I am a trickster.

Could you ever be a hero? Have you ever done anything heroic and brave? >> Being a trickster means I can fulfill a variety of roles. So yes, I could be a hero, if I found it prudent. (Most of the time, I don’t. ~)

How many villains do you know? >> I don’t know if I know any self-proclaimed villains. I know some self-proclaimed monsters, does that count?

What do you think of this quote: The Gospel is the only story where the Hero dies for the villains. ? >> That’s an interesting quote.

Do you think it was stupid of Jesus to die for the villains? >> I don’t pass judgement on martyrdom. It serves a purpose.

Have you ever rebelled against God? >> Well, rebelling against some notion of God (consciously or unconsciously) is how I spent most of my adolescence and young adulthood, but I’m mostly over that now. I met different gods.

Do you believe Jesus dies on a cross to save us all? >> I think the mythical figure of Jesus Christ certainly did. Whether there was an actual man named Yeshua who did all of that is a matter of much debate, and I tend to err on the side of “probably not”. But he’s a figure of myth, which makes his historical existence pretty irrelevant either way.

Would you be happy if you died right now? Why or why not? >> Hell fucking no, what the fuck. I’m having a ball, leave me alone, Death.

Are you scared of what's going to happen when you die? >> Sure. I try not to give it too much thought, because there’s no definite answer and obsessing over it isn’t going to give me a definite answer, it’s just going to waste my fuckin time.

Have you ever asked Jesus to save you? >> Yeah, I tried that. I don’t know if he was listening or if he did anything, but I did try it.

Have you ever been baptized? If so, where were you baptized? and did it mean anything to you? >> I was baptised at age, like, 6 or 7. I vaguely remember it because the whole thing was lowkey disturbing to me at the time, but I couldn’t do anything about it. It was at an AME Baptist church in Elizabeth, New Jersey. It never did end up meaning anything significant for me, although the baptism allegory did come up again a couple of years ago, during my last todash episode.

Do you enjoy reading about Greek or Roman mythology? >> Absolutely!

Who is your favorite Greek or Roman god or goddess? >> Dionyssos.

Which goddess power do you think you'd like to have? >> Meh.

Have you ever read the Daughters of the Moon series by Lynne Ewing? >> Never heard of it.

If so, what was your favorite book in the series, and who was your favorite character? Which character do you relate to the most? >> ---

Do you feel like you are special? Do others treat you like you are special? >> I’m about as special as everyone else on the planet... which, as you well know, makes the whole thing a paradox. And yeah, some people treat me like that sometimes. I’m special to individuals, which is all right.

Do you enjoy reading Bible stories? >> Hell yeah, I do.

Do you believe in the Bible stories? >> I believe in their mythological potential, in the strength of parables, and in the longevity of the myths in general. I also think most of them probably relate to actual historical events, but were just mythologised.

Do you know anyone who can read minds? >> Nope.

Have you read the Harry Potter books? If yes, did you like them? >> Yeah, and I’m in the middle of a reread right now. I... I do like them, even though I spend a lot of time dissecting the worldbuilding. I wouldn’t even bother if I didn’t enjoy something about them.

What is your opinion on fantasy? Is it of the devil, or is it ok? Do you think it's good? >> I love fantasy.

Why do you think people gave the Harry Potter series such a hard time, when it's fiction? >> Because people are afraid of going against the laws of their religion; because people are afraid of losing control over their children’s spiritual lives; because it was a weird time in the world (and maybe even in mythic time) and people have been very reactionary towards media for a long time anyway. Who knows, man. It hasn’t lessened HP’s impact on culture and society, so.

Do you believe the Bible is fiction or non-fiction? >> I believe it’s myth, which exists beyond the boundaries of “fiction” and “nonfiction”.

Are you prophetic? >> I don’t know. That’s something I’d only be able to conclude in hindsight, and I haven’t really bothered looking back to find out.

Do you speak in tongues? >> Nope. I remember being really disappointed that that never happened to me in church.

What are your spiritual gifts, if you have any? >> Hm.

Are you intuitive? >> No more than average, probably.

Have you ever had a premonition? >> Probably.

Have you ever had deja vu? >> Sure.

Do you see into the future? >> Nope.

Can you read minds? >> Nope.

Can you see spirits? >> Maybe. I don’t know.

Can you hear voices? >> I hear the voices of people in headspace.

Do you believe in the supernatural? >> Sure.

Why do you think churches ignore the supernatural so often? >> It’s often about power and control. To restrict the human experience to only what the religion in question dictates as possible -- only priests can commune with God in a way that goes beyond praying into the void, stuff like that -- is to create an illusion of dependence on the church, which keeps people coming back. It’s kind of unfortunate, really.

Would you ever go see a medium or psychic? >> Nah.

If someone were advertising "free healing miracles," would you go see them? >> I’d probably go to a revival featuring a faith healer because those look fun as shit, but I wouldn’t pay any money to them or anything. I’d just want to see, lmao.

Would you like to receive a prophetic word? >> Eh, I could do without.

What would you like to be healed of, if anything? >> Meh.

Do you feel guilty about anything currently? >> No.

Do you hear from God? >> At least three.

Do you spend time with God often? >> I curl up in the backseat of Wednesday’s car as often as possible. It does take a lot of mental focus on my part, though, so maybe not as often as I could.

Can you feel the presence of spirits in the room? >> Right now? No. Doesn’t mean they aren’t there, though.

Have you ever had a nightmare? >> Sure.

Have you ever had a prophetic dream? >> Probably.

What is the meaning of your name? >> Which one? Apparently “Mordred” comes from the Welsh “Medraut”, which likely comes from moderatus (Latin) meaning exactly what it looks like. Mordred, the Middle Way between Red and White. Seems legit.

Do you feel like your name's meaning fits you? >> Well, apparently I do. :p

Do you think you are a good person? >> No, I think I’m a person. ...Hell, sometimes I’m not even sure I’m that.

Do you think God would consider you a good person? >> I think Wednesday probably thinks I’m a right bastard just like him and his friends. Ravens of a feather, and all.

What do you think Heaven will be like? >> I can’t fathom Heaven. Every description I’ve heard of it makes no sense to me, so I figured it’s not supposed to.

Are you ready to die yet? >> Hell fucking no, stop asking me that.

Do you feel like your life is fair? >> I don’t care if it’s fair or not, I’m still making the best of it.

What would your life be like if you had an unlimited supply of cash? >> I have no idea, that’s unfathomable.

Do you believe Halloween decorations come alive when no one is looking? >> LOL no, but that’d be neat.

Do you celebrate Halloween? >> Sure.

Do you think renessaince faires are of the devil? >> If they are, the Devil has great taste.

Have you ever encountered an ogre? >> Not outside of a video game.

Are you an alien? >> Maybe.

Can you take a joke? >> I can take and give them.

Is there a cartoon character you wish you could meet? >> Sure, Dethklok would be fun to hang out with.

If you could have a date with a cartoon character, which one would it be? >> Charles Ofdensen (Metalocalypse). Although I kinda consider him a Me-Character, so that’d be funny.

Have you ever had a doll that looked like a person you knew? >> Nope.

If you had a voodoo doll, who would you punish? >> I don’t mess with that.

Do you enjoy watching horror movies? >> Hella.

Can you bend over backward like the girl in The Exorcist? >> Nope.

Is your house haunted? >> Most likely not, but who knows. Apartment complexes see so many people come in and out over time, and at least some of those people will probably leave something behind.

Have you ever wondered if your house was haunted? or had nightmares because you thought your house was haunted? >> I’ve lived in an apartment I’ve felt was also occupied by something else.

Have you ever been in the attic? >> No attic.

Is your basement creepy? >> No basement.

Do you believe in ghosts? >> Not particularly, but I’m always willing to entertain the concept.

Do you like ghost stories? >> Sure, some of them.

Do you believe the spirit realm is real? >> I think there’s probably many dimensions to existence.

Do you believe in.... evolution? >> Sure.

reincarnation? >> I think a good argument could be made for it. Eastern philosophies about it seem to make sense.

Heaven? >> I can’t fathom it, which makes it difficult to believe in. Other mythological before-/after-/parallel-to-life realms seem more believable to me.

Hell? >> Same as above.

the afterlife? >> I haven’t chosen a permanent stance yet. Generally I subscribe to the “energy of consciousness is transmuted into something else, and memory does not survive the transmutation” theory of consciousness, so the afterlife wouldn’t really work with that.

salvation? >> From what, though? I don’t think there’s anything in my life I need salvation from, so it seems kinda useless as a concept, personally.

ghosts? >> Eh.

angels? >> Already discussed.

demons? >> ^

fairies? >> Yeah, maybe.

mermaids? >> Mm.

genies? >> Again, if djinn are around, I’m avoiding them.

nymphs? >> I don’t know.

gnomes? >> Hmm.

aliens? >> Sure.

Santa Claus? >> I believe in the mythical figure of many names and various cultures that got sanitised into Santa Claus for our current version of Christmas.

Mother Nature? >> A world-soul, you mean? Sure, that’s a thing I could believe in. Azeroth has one, after all.

gods and goddesses? >> Yep.

God? >> I don’t know about that god in particular, though. The myth is way too murky for me.

Satan? >> I think if HaShem must exist, then so too must the Adversary. So if I’m going to believe in one, I’d have to believe in the other. They’re a BOGO kind of deal.

Jesus? >> I think Yeshua is one of the coolest mythic figures ever, actually.

The Holy Spirit? >> This is actually easier for me to grok than the Father. The Son’s the easiest, though.

elves? >> Sure, why not.

reindeer? >> There are perfectly natural animals called reindeer, so, I mean.

pixies? >> Hmm.

dinosaurs? >> Sure.

dragons? >> Sure.

prophesy? >> Yeah, maybe. I just don’t really want much to do with it.

premonitions? >> ^

intuition? >> ^

mind reading? >> Nah, mind-reading is pushing it.

speaking in tongues? >> I know it’s a thing people do because I’ve seen people stand right next to me and do it. But I don’t know what it is, and frankly, it’s kind of cool as a mystery.

prayer? >> Sure.

magic? >> Sure.

witches? >> Yep.

villains? >> I guess, yeah.

zombies? >> Mm, nah. Although I guess I can’t completely discredit necromancy. The movie The Serpent and the Rainbow has me pretty convinced, ngl.

werewolves? >> One of my friends is a werewolf.

vampires? >> Another of my friends is a vampire. Well, several of my friends, actually.

satanists? >> Yes, Satanists exist, in a variety of forms (theistic and otherwise).

supernatural healing? >> I mean, hey, maybe. I wouldn’t stop taking medication, though.

miracles? >> Sure, it just depends on your definition of the word.

that we live in an enchanted realm? >> I don’t know, maybe? I’ve no basis for comparison, after all.

that we're in a spiritual battle? >> Eh, I’m not fond of this concept because of the kind of evangelistic folk it’s usually attributed to.

that the book of Revelation is a real prophesy? >> It sure might have been.

that we're in the last days? >> Right now? I mean, here’s the thing about mythic time -- it’s so malleable and often cycle-based that you can point to almost any point in human history and make a very convincing case for that point in history having been a dead ringer for Armageddon. I could definitely point to events right now and make Revelation allegories. But that doesn’t necessarily mean anything -- or it could mean that Armageddon is an allegory for all Endings, including Endings that we as humans experience all the time. That’s the fun thing about mythology, man. It is always relevant.

that Jesus is coming back? >> He’s probably hanging around right now, smoking a bowl in some backyard somewhere. Hey, the Bible only predicted (and vaguely, at that) a Second Coming. They didn’t say anything about a Third, or Fourth, or so on. He could be on his Five Hundred Thousand and Twenty-Second Coming, for all we know.

that the Blood Red Moons are significant? >> Sure, they’re significant if we make them significant. That’s our power as a storytelling species.

astrology? >> Yep, I love astrology.

that the constellations tell the story of something? >> Well, yes. We drew pictures in the sky and used them to tell stories. We made that so.

that everyone is created equal? >> I don’t believe that everyone is created in the first place, which would mean that we couldn’t have possibly been created equal, either. I think it doesn’t matter either way, how we came to be here. We’re here, and the least we can do is treat each other with some fuckin kindness.

that everybody matters? >> That’s kind of impossible. There are way too many people on this planet for everyone to matter to me, or you, or anyone else. I think we do the best we can to think about as many people as possible, but to try too hard to do that means that you’re just going to end up doing more harm than good.

that life isn't fair? >> Sure, because it’s not sapient. Life doesn’t have an idea of “fairness” because it doesn’t have a brain to conceive of that. We do.

that some people who are poor deserve to be rich and some people who are rich deserve to be poor? >> I don’t believe that because it’s completely illogical.

Do you wish karma were real? >> I don’t know if it’s an actual cosmic force or not. I don’t think about it too much.

Do you make a lot of mistakes? >> No more than the average person, I’d imagine.

How long do you think someone should be punished for a mistake they've made? >> That’s not up to me.

Do you think mistakes should be punished at all? >> I’m not into punishment, myself, but I’m just one person. It seems to be a very popular concept with humanity in general.

Do you like mystery, or do you wish you knew everything? >> I really have no desire to know everything. What little peeking beyond the veil that I’ve tried to do has had a vaguely ruinous effect on me, so I figure I’m better off not pushing it.

Would you rather have horns or a tail? >> Horns, please.

Do you believe in unicorns? >> Sure, why not.

Do you wish you could talk to animals? >> I can. We just can’t understand each other, but it’s not all that important to me to be understood by, like, a cat.

Would you rather be a bird or a fish? >> Nah.

Would you rather be reincarnated as a human or something not human? >> I don’t know. “Not human” encompasses such a wide array of possibilities that I couldn’t possibly say no.

Are you happy? >> Generally? I guess, sure.

Who is harassing you/wronging you right now? >> Nobody.

Who is your knight in shining armor? >> Nobody.

Do you want to be rescued? >> From what? No.

Do you feel like you need to be rescued from the life you're living? >> No.

Do you believe in the story of Adam and Eve? >> The same way I believe in all the other Biblical stories, as I’ve expanded upon earlier in the survey. It’s not one of my favourites, though.

What would you like prayer for right now, if anything? >> I’m good.

What do you need right now that you don't have? >> *shrug*

Who was the last person to really hurt you? >> Oh, who knows.

Are you mad at someone right now? hurt? jealous? missing someone? >> Nope.

Are you a good friend? >> I don’t know.

Which fairytale do you relate to the most? >> I’m not sure.

Who is your favorite Disney princess? >> Moana!

Who is your favorite Disney character, besides the princesses? >> Stitch. Or Claude Frollo!

Favorite non-Disney cartoon character? >> I couldn’t even begin to choose.

Have you ever been to Disney World? >> Nope.

If so, would you say it's the most magical place on earth? >> ---

Do you want to go to the Magic Kingdom? >> I mean, sure, why not.

What country do you most want to visit? >> Morocco would be nice.

What city in the US do you most want to visit before you die? >> Hm.

What country do you live in? >> The US.

If you live in the US, what state do you live in? >> Michigan.

What's your favorite continent besides North America? >> *shrug*

What's your favorite foreign cuisine? (Mexican, Chinese, Thai, etc.) >> Most Asian cuisine.

Have you ever been on a missions trip? >> No, and I’d never go on one. I don’t like the concept.

Have you ever lived in a foreign country? >> Nope.

What is your dream? Do you have anyone who supports you in your dream? >> I don’t think I have one. I’m just livin’.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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thesummerstorms · 7 years

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In your Etain lives au, how would Kal be smothering/coddling her, like constantly hovering over her as she recovers, kind of babying her in that regard?

Sorry this took a bit- I’ve been kinda out of the RepComm headspace lately (other than crossing Etain into AUs of whatever I was watching/reading/playing which I do reflexively at this point tbh). This is all really rough, tbh, and I apologize in advance for length.

So this assumption is precipitated on three things from canon:

Kal likes to withhold information from folks “for their own good”

Kal, in any moments where he has softened into liking Etain, is incapable of recognizing her ability or agency, and repeatedly refers to her as a “kid” /is surprised when someone else reports on her field abilities /routinely leaves her out of her own choices

Kal tends to make other’s people’s suffering all about his own martyrdom/how he feels about the situation, rather than about them

There is definitely a lot of coddling. From the moment Etain wakes up Kal more or less tries to sideline her from anything important going on. To some extent that’s not all that unexpected: I do tend to headcanon Etain’s recovery as a long and awkward one, and she did just freak out the whole family by literally returning from the actual dead. (She talks to the gods ghosts stars dead Mandalores in her visions now and everything.)

Tl;dr of what’s under the cut: Kal’s method of “looking after Etain” is much more centered on his need to feel like he’s taking care of her rather than what’s actually best for her. In the process of “looking after his daughter”, he denies her a lot of her capability and agency at one of the moments when she most needs it, fails to disclose information to her, and fails to recognize her very real emotional/mental wounds, instead hyperfixating on her physical ones.

I imagine that Kal probably initially opted not to tell Etain that Darman was still with the Imperial army when she first woke up from her Force and sedation induced coma. Something that is, again, understandable in the most immediate moment- but something that he tries to carry on for too long in light of her fragility, even though she starts questioning as soon as she’s able, distressed because can’t feel Darman close to her.

Once she starts the transition away from spending most of her day in bed sedated and into a proper recovery, he’s constantly urging her to play it safe, to rest, not to worry. “Mediate, sleep, focus on getting better, don’t think about anything else”. “Leave that problem to me, you just take it easy, I’ll fix it, don’t think about it.”

Etain is a person who despises sitting on her hands, whose crippling, lifelong fear is that she will be useless and unnecessary, and in the past, her only real way of coping has been to find some way to make herself useful, such as when she’s left on Mandalore to recover from her miscarriage and “take her pregnancy easy”, and instead throws herself into helping Mereel break and manage Ko Sai.

But all of a sudden she’s confronted by her physical pain and temporarily diminished capabilities, and rather than help confirm her capability, Kal is looking at her with pity in the guise of love and cutting her out of key conversations he feels might be “too taxing”, giving her nothing she can focus on beyond how physically fucked up she currently is. Even when the conversation is all about “we’re going to rescue your husband, Etain”, Kal refuses to actually involve her in the process “in order not to get her hopes up prematurely”. He’s there to fix it and save everyone, so she should just be able to accept it and focus elsewhere, right?

He needs her to let him save her, to salve his own conscious- her recovery is in part about how he feels, consciously or not.

And on the emotional front…. well, Kal’s never been great at acknowledging Etain’s emotions. In the novels, when he’s not writing them off as due to pregnancy hormones or his own perception of Etain as young and child-like, he seems to fail to even consider the fact that they might exist.

Which leads me to believe in this case he’s way too blinded by his own perception of Etain as 1) an invalid 2) Darman’s wife and 3) to acknowledge that she’s really messed up in that moment.

Kal blames a lot of her sudden change in temperament- her being withdrawn, angry, restless, guilty- purely on her physical pain or exhaustion. Which is not to say how Etain feels is never a result of those things, but often he’s dismissing the real concerns or emotions she’s feeling for a more convenient excuse of “well, of course everything seems wrong right now to you, but don’t worry, I know better and I’ll handle everything.”

He also sees how desperately she misses Darman (and she does) and attributes any grief she feels solely to this- because he sees her first and only as Darman’s wife/the mother of Darman’s child and assumes this is.

He doesn’t see how deeply she’s troubled by her current lack of function, for lack of a better word, because he never really saw her as especially capable or directly useful to begin with. His understanding of her relationship with her injuries relates purely to the physical, and not how it’s affected her self-conception.

He never sees her as a “real” Jedi, so he can’t imagine, wouldn’t care to imagine, that she is actually grieving the Jedi Order- the people who raised her from birth, who she must once have had friends among, even if it was a long time ago, who she could never fully part ways from. Given that lack of understanding, he can’t begin to imagine how guilty she feels at her own grief, surrounded by people who she loves and who she believes to hate the Jedi. How isolated she feels at having no one who she can safely express that grief to. (And of course Kal is a big part of the reason why she feels unsafe in doing so.)

And because he has pigeon-holed her as a child, dependent on him roughly since he stopped hating her, before that even, he sees himself purely as her protector, and doesn’t realize that some part of her anger is actually towards him and how his decisions lead them to this moment and how he’s treating her now. (Although Etain feels guilty about that, too, and tries to quash it.)

Basically he has Etain pigeonholed into this very one dimensional idea of his injured child who it’s his duty to make sure everyone is Gentle™ to, and even if some part of it is born out of love, his pity and lack of awareness seriously negatively impacts both her own mental health and his ability to actually help her.

It comes to a head in a few distinct moments. He cuts her out of the rescue op for Darman and Niner. He initially tries to keep her separate from Scout.

And the big one is when he tries to keep her from going to the Altisians- because he’s afraid of putting her back in the control of the Jedi, because he’s afraid the Altisians are a tempting Imperial target and won’t stay hidden long, because he doesn’t trust Etain’s judgement and thinks she’s relapsing to what she knows in a moment of pain- despite the fact that Jusik, not being an actually trained healer, has accidentally injured her in the process of keeping her alive.

He tries to keep her from something she needs both physically and spiritually, because Jedi, because she “needs to be safe”, because “Mij is perfectly capable”, because he feels like he has to look after her and keep her close to him, and it takes intervention from someone else in the family (I haven’t decided who yet) to make him relent.

When Etain goes to the Altisians to try and recover, Darman realizes that the other Imperial Commandos are tasked with hunting them down, and, still caught up with his own trauma, opts not to be rescued so that he can stay on Coruscant and keep the other teams away from his wife.

Kal isn’t the one who comms to tell her.

#republic commando #etain tur-mukan #Etain Tur-Mukan #kal skirata #idk how comprehensible this is tbh #it's getting kinda late and i don't know how much of this is clear #and how much of this refers to implicit headcanon i forgot to discuss #but this is my word-vomit of thoughts on this #murkinabbalicious

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