#he's going to be a rather janky little boy anyway but I will love him anyway

[chiropteracupola]

lil temrer real

[loopy777]

Non-Review: Free Comic Book Day 2021 - The Legend of Korra (Also Featuring Avatar: The Last Airbender)

With all the hype around 'Suki Alone,' it looks to me like most of the fandom missed that an additional Avatar comic with a story from each cartoon's era was just released for Free Comic Book Day. You can read them for yourself on either Dark Horse Digital or Comixology where it's mislabeled as being for ages 17+ (free accounts are required for both), but I'm sure one of the reasons you all love me is because of my willingness to jump in between you and these comics like the deadly bullets they can be. Well, I'm happy to die (metaphorically) for the sake of (a little anonymous internet) love, so I'm doing a full snarky review for each ten-page story. Also, I'm bored, and it's more fun to make fun of mediocre stuff than to praise stuff I like.

It's time for me to review "Free Comic Book Day 2021 - The Legend of Korra (Also Featuring Avatar: The Last Airbender)" or more specifically "The Legend of Korra: Clearing the Air" and "Avatar: The Last Airbender: Matcha Makers."

CLEARING THE AIR

The cover makes this look like a story about Jinora and Ikki having a sibling conflict. That's a lie. The Air Sisters arguing is merely the inciting incident for Tenzin telling a story of his youth. I should note that, as inconsequential as the Air Sisters stuff is, it's actually written very well because it posits Ikki as a victim of circumstance and Jinora as a bully who terrorizes her little sister with threats of getting thrown in jail by Metalbenders for an accident, cementing the characterization from the cartoon. This is not sarcasm. I really do think Jinora is presented by LoK as a Holier Than Thou little snot who just so happened to be naturally gifted with magic spirit-powers, but for some reason the rest of the fandom doesn't agree with me.

Anyway, Tenzin comes in to find the arguing (and Meelo just running amok for the fun of it and so far these characterizations are perfect), and rather than telling Jinora to shut her stupid face, he delivers a tale of his youth about conflict resolution.

So the meat of the story is how, when Tenzin was "a few years older" than Jinora, a pair of vandals got onto Air Temple Island and burned some graffiti into the spinning-panel things that Korra will destroy out of frustration during her Airbending training. Literally, the vandals are depicted as scorching the wood with enough smoke to be seen across a plaza. Tenzin goes after the vandals and they flee across the bay back to Republic City proper (one of the vandals is a Waterbender with a surf-plank). Tenzin pursues, catches them, and attacks them hard enough to smash some dockside crates. They are all then arrested by Metalbenders and dragged before Chief Toph. She's going to let Tenzin go (yay Toph!) and throw the vandals in jail (YAY TOPH!) and makes this face, and this entire comic is worth it:

However, Aang arrives and instead arranges to forgo the jail-time in favor of an Air Nomad Conflict Resolution Ceremony. This is nice and in-character, but I'm totally with Tenzin that these vandals should have been thrown in jail. They literally burned insulting graffiti into antiques from a genocided culture. But instead, Aang demonstrates conflict resolution by having Tenzin explain why he's hurt and what needs to be done to redress the wrong. And so the vandals help Tenzin scrub the graffiti off the panels with water and rags and mops- how, I don't know, since they were literally burned.

They also do a ceremony thing where they each take turns bending their element into a central space between them to 'clear the air' (GET IT GET IT HA HA IT'S ALMOST LIKE A PUN BUT NOT), so it's a good thing they were all Benders because this is kinda racist. This fixes all the problems and everyone is friends. Yay!

In the present, though, things are not so nice, because Tenzin's kids are still screaming at and provoking each other. Korra comes in with Asami at the end to ask what's going on, and Asami says nothing, so I still think everyone is characterized with perfect consistency with the cartoon.

I made this sound silly, but (aside from the spinny-panels getting cleaned with a little water and elbow-grease, which doesn't matter because Korra will eventually blow them all up anyway), I actually like this one. It has Tenzin demonstrate how much he's always had to work to be the Perfect Air Monk that everyone expects him to be, and Aang acknowledges how this is unfair but that Tenzin will never let him down no matter what. It also has Katara come in at the end (for just one line, boo!) to acknowledge that this was an especially easy little conflict for Tenzin to practice on and he'll eventually face worse. I found it a nice adult moment in a story that's otherwise clearly aimed at 8-year-olds.

The art is good. It's simpler than the LoK cartoon, with flat colors, but it captures the story and has enough liveliness for everyone's character to come across in their look and body-language. The brief action-sequence where Tenzin attacks the vandals is well done, moving quickly but showing the full flow of the fight and every move Tenzin makes.

MATCHA MAKERS

Apparently, "Matcha is finely ground powder of specially grown and processed green tea leaves, traditionally consumed in East Asia" according to Wikipedia. I had to look that up. I'm curious how many people understood the full reference in the title, especially since these comics are aimed at kids too young to be allowed on the internet.

This is a very simple story about Iroh in his tea-shop in Ba Sing Se. He has an assistant/waitress named Feng, a new character who wears glasses, ruining the hopes and dreams of all the fanfic-writers who were so sure he'd rescue Jin from the Lower Ring. A frequent patron of the tea shop is an elegant, older lady (very clearly Upper Ring material) named Li-Mei, who cannot go a single panel without giving Iroh a HEY BIG BOY look. She is very clearly smitten. Also, I feel the need to clarify that she knows his name is Iroh, so apparently Ba Sing Se is okay with the Dragon of the West serving tea to their wealthy. I don't say that as a criticism, I'm just noting it.

That night, Iroh meets up with his friends- the Pokemon-style spirits that we saw in Legend of Korra. (I don't know if they're the actual spirits from LoK, or just new spirits in the same style. This is because I would sooner grind matcha into my eyes than rewatch Book Spirits.) He serves them his special blend of tea and talks about how he's totally into Li-Mei but isn't going to pursue it because he's feeling old and doesn't want to take a risk. At this point, I could stop describing the plot because between the title and what I've said so far, I'm sure you could figure out every single plot beat that will follow.

The next day, the spirits trip Feng so that she drops Li-Mei's tea and Iroh needs to bring a replacement, and they've drawn hearts on top of the replacement tea with foam or sugar or milk or whatever. I don't know because I've never bought tea in a place that will even put the bag in the hot water for me. Iroh gets out of the situation without starting any love-affairs and runs into the back to tell the spirits to knock it off, dudes, they're totally embarrassing him! The spirits respond by giving him a flyer for a romantic restaurant. I don't know how they got it, so I can only assume that some Upper Ringer had their mail diverted.

Iroh refuses, so when Li-Mei orders more tea and he brings it to her, the spirits hover just out of her sight and threaten to smash the furniture. I am not making that up. They literally threaten to smash Iroh's furniture unless he asks the lady out. He submits to their tyrannical threats, Li-Mei happily accepts the date, he happily accepts her acceptance, and the story comes to a close. Iroh thanks his spirits friends for opening him up to new experience, but hopes that next time (so I guess Iroh is signing up for Tinder after this?) they won't threaten his shop.

At best, I can describe this story as 'harmless.' But it's been a long week and I just got a bunch more extra work at my day job that I really don't want to do, so I'm going to go ahead and call this story 'dumb.' It's rote, leans towards humor without actually being funny at all, and turns the spirits of the setting into Pokemon. And not even the cool dragon kind.

The art is strangely stiff. The coloring is soft and nice, but the drawings seems more 'assembled' than actually drawn. I swear there are even a few panels that reminded me of 'How I Became Yours' with janky poses, horrifying expressions, and just enough resemblance to the original cartoon to make me think a screenshot was partially traced and then ruined. (I'm not accusing the artist of tracing, BTW. I wouldn't even condemn the artist for tracing if they did. I'm just describing that HIBY feeling I got.) It was so stiff that rather than hear Iroh's dialogue in Mako's rich tones, I instead imagined Greg Baldwin doing a stiff Mako-impression with no naturalism to the delivery.

This story is definitely worthy of its "Also Featuring" billing. I'd rate it below Gene Yang's Mai and Suki FCBD short stories, but above everything else he wrote for Avatar.

So there you go. Overall, this is very middle-of-the-pack for Avatar FCBD stuff. It's very much of the nature of the 'Team Avatar Tales' stuff, and I wouldn't be surprised if the Iroh story was a leftover from that project. On Free Comic Book Day, you often get what you pay for.

[artificialqueens]

Stupid For You, Chapter 2 (Crygi, Jankie, Jaida x Nicky) - Metaluna

Summary: It’s everyone’s final day of training, and then the big opening. Everything is going to go smoothly, or so Gigi hopes….

The rest of training was a blur. Brita and Jaida forgot on the first day, but on the second day, they gave their trainees tags that stuck on the bottom of the nametag that said TRAINEE in big block letters, and explained the tradition of dramatically ripping them off upon completing training. Gigi and Jan learned how to stock the shops. Jan decided pretty quickly that it wasn’t for her, mainly because she found out she’d be talking to guests a lot less. Gigi loved that aspect, since she was afraid talking to the guests. She also loved that the stockers got to bounce from store to store throughout the day. There was a lot of freedom, which is something Gigi liked. They were also shown by Brita how to pull products from the case at the candy shop and how to slice the caramel apples. Gigi wasn’t a fan of this, because her apple slices were always uneven, and it was embarrassingly hard for her to pull the sticks out. Of course, Jan excelled at this, just as she did with everything else.

Their last day of training was the day before opening. Every year, the day before opening was a preview for season passholders.  This was the day that Jaida and Brita had to assess their trainees and either pass or fail them, depending on how they performed. The day before, they had their stocking assessment. Both Jan and Gigi easily passed. The sales assessment was straightforward. They just had to act like they were already trained, greeting guests, doing transactions, answering questions, all normal things.  Except, Jaida and Brita were standing in the background with a clipboard watching them like hawks.

At first, Gigi hid behind the register. She knew that was exactly what she wasn’t supposed to do, but she couldn’t help it. Jan, on the other hand, was actively talking to guests and just being Jan. As soon as she was about to go to the floor, a guest walked up. It was a girl that couldn’t have been more than nine. Brita stood behind Gigi.

“Hi,” Gigi said warmly with a smile. “How are you?”

“Good. How about you?”

“I’m great, thank you so much for asking! What’s your favorite thing you did today?”

The girl smiled. “I did The Genie for the first time today!”

“Oh my goodness, did you get scared?” Gigi’s tone was overenthusiastic, but that was the Paradise Isle way.

“Only a little bit!”

“You know what that means right?”

“No, what?”

“You have to go on The Jinn!”

“I’m going to with my big sister later!”

“Well you’re going to have to come back and tell me how it was! That will be 20 dollars before the discount, can I please see your season pass? Since you definitely aren’t old enough to drive, I just need to see the pass.” The girl held up her pass. “Amazing. After your discount, it’s going to be 16 dollars.”

The girl handed over a twenty, which Gigi appreciated because it was easy math.

She handed the girl her change and said, “Have fun!”

Gigi was shocked at how well she interacted with the little girl. She looked back at Brita who gave her a thumbs up. This gave her the confidence to wander the floor. A guest asked for directions. Thankfully, it was to the bathroom right outside of the store.

After about a half an hour more, Jaida gathered her trainees in the stockroom.

“Ladies,” Jaida began, her tone serious. “I have to say that I’m disappointed.”

Gigi and Jan’s excited facial expressions dropped. Tears began to brim on Jan’s eyes.

“I’m just kidding! Y’all did great. You pass.”

“You rotted bitch,” Brita teased.

“Oh, you know it’s tradition to make the trainees squirm. I expect you to do the same when you get trainees of your own. Jan, Gigi, rip those things off your badges. You’re officially sales hostesses at Paradise Isle.

Gigi smiled as she tore the TRAINEE tag off of her badge.

“Time for lunch!” Brita exclaimed.

….

Jackie hated doing assessments. Because she was a trainer at The Genie, she ended up failing about half of her trainees. Since it was such a safety critical ride, the assessment had to be nearly perfect. While failing trainees didn’t mean they were fired, it meant that they had to do an extra day of training. This made Jackie feel like she was a bad trainer. Thankfully, Nicky caught on fast. Jackie stood behind Nicky as Nicky stood at the console in the tower.

“And how do you ride stop?”

Nicky pointed to a red large button on the console.

“The emergency stop?”

Nicky pointed to a raised red button with a yellow square around it.

“Why would you rather ride stop than emergency stop?”

“Because emergency stopping cuts the power, and we have to call maintenance.”

“Perfect. How old do kids have to be to ride by themselves?”

“They have to be eight years old, and if they’re under they have to be accompanied by someone who is at least fourteen.”

“Look at you! Alright, so we’re getting our first guests for the day. I always offer, do you want to do the easy stuff first or the hard stuff?”

“Let’s get the hard stuff out of the way.”

Jackie was impressed with her trainee’s confidence. Nicky was an absolute rockstar. She remembered everything Jackie taught her. Nicky did the load one, load two, and tower positions flawlessly. The only position she struggled was greeter, the position that most people excelled at. The guests struggled to understand what Nicky’s accent at times, but considering that it wasn’t her fault, and half the time that position wasn’t used anyway, Jackie passed her on greeter.

“Well?” Nicky questioned. “Did I pass?”

“Nicky…” Jackie said with a serious tone. “I’m sorry to tell you… that you were one of the best trainees that I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with.”

“Seriously?” Nicky was stunned. She thought she was going to fail like half percent of the other people, considering Jackie, who was a great rides hostess, needed an extra day when she started. She explained to Nicky that she accidentally took her eyes off of the train at load one when she sent it.

“Yes, now rip that tag off your badge so we can go to lunch.”

—

Crystal was nervous as she waited for a guest to come up and play her game. The past few days, Crystal learned about all six of the games on The Boardwalk. Even though it took her longer than Widow to catch on, Crystal eventually caught on and became much more confident. Although, when it was time for her assessment, Crystal was a nervous wreck, and begged her partner to go first. They had done mock assessments at five of the games the day before. Because she was so nervous, Crystal cried twice. But, because she technically did everything correctly, and there weren’t actual guests, Heidi didn’t fail her.

Now that it was time for the actual assessment. Crystal and Widow had to run a game by themselves. Crystal begged Widow go first again. Heidi put Widow at the ring toss game. Two preteens came up and handed Widow the money. Widow explained the rules as she set the bucket of rings down.

“You have to completely get the ring around a bottle. It can’t be on their halfway. I’m watching, so don’t cheat.” Her tone was kind, yet stern.

Crystal watched the girls go through every single last ring with no luck.

“Better luck next time, ladies,” Widow said sympathetically.

The three went into the basketball booth. Heidi chose it for Crystal because it was the game she was least likely to get yelled at. Heidi knew that if Crystal cried during her live assessment, she would have to fail her. Heidi never had to fail a trainee, and she wasn’t about to do it now.  

“Hello!” Crystal greeted a boy who was about her age and what looked to be his girlfriend. “Would you like to play?”

The boy nodded and handed over his five dollars. Crystal put the bill in the bank that vacuumed the bill into the bank while her hands shook from nerves. In exchange, Crystal handed over three small basketballs. She watched as the boy failed to make any of the baskets. The girl next to him looked disappointed, yawning while she was on her phone.

He handed over another five. Again, no baskets.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” the girl announced.

Once she was out of earshot, the boy said, “How much to just buy a prize?”

“Sorry, but you can’t do that,” Crystal explained. “None of them are for sale.”

The boy pulled out a twenty. “How about now?”

“No, I can’t. I’m sorry.”

The boy huffed and walked away. “Fucking bitch.”

Heidi looked at Crystal in suspense, hoping to God that she wouldn’t cry. Crystal took a deep breath to compose herself, but managed to hold it together.

“Oh my God, Crystal you didn’t cry!” Widow hugged Crystal.

“I didn’t cry!”

Heidi looked at her trainees sternly. “Unfortunately though, girls, I just gotta say that you could both improve vastly on… absolutely nothing, you both pass. Let’s go to lunch.”

Crystal confidently ripped the TRAINEE tag off of her name badge.

–

When Gigi, Jan, Jaida, and Brita made it into the break room, Heidi’s training group, as well as Jackie’s were sat at the large table in the middle.

“Normally you aren’t on break at the same time as all of your friends. But, all the trainers may have ‘accidentally’ scheduled break for the same time. Oops,” Brita explained as she sat next to Jackie.

“Hey, gorgeous!” Crystal exclaimed as Gigi sat across from her. “How did it go?”              

“I passed! I talked to a guest and didn’t freeze! You?”

“I got called a bitch by a guest and didn’t cry! I passed, too!”

“Oh my god!” Jan exclaimed. “That’s terrible! Proud of you for handling it so well!”

“Thanks!”

“Jan passed too, of course,” Gigi said. “Did you pass, Nicky?”

Gigi didn’t really know anyone outside of her training group, outside of Crystal, so she was doing her best to make friends. Even though Gigi was a cheerleader and class president in school, she never had a close group of friends, which is something she longed for.

Jackie answered for her. “Nicky was one of the best trainees that I’ve ever had. Not only did she do every position perfectly, but she answered every question that I had.”

“Wow,” Jan said looking at Jackie. “You must be a pretty good trainer.”

Jackie’s face flushed. “Oh, you know. I do my best.”

“Ladies, there’s a tradition that has been upheld since before I started working at this hellhole. After every opening day, there is a huge party in which we all get completely shitfaced to bless the new season. This year, it’s going to be at my place. We close at nine, party starts at 10:30. I know it’s late, but thankfully, the schedulers have mercy on our souls, and if you work the first day of the season, you don’t work the next day,” Heidi explained.

Jan’s face lit up. “I love parties!”

“Me, too!” Jackie spoke a little bit too quickly.

Heidi created a groupchat and sent her address to everyone. Because Heidi was attending the local community college, her apartment was close to the park. Plus, Heidi didn’t have roommates, so they were free to do as they pleased.

“Hey, Gigi could you—”

“I’ll pick you up at 10, Crys.”

The rest of the day, Jaida and Brita’s training group hid in an office talking. There was really no one around to catch them. They had finish the assessments early, so there was nothing else for them to do but sit and talk.

“We have some cute new girls this year. That Nicky, she’s gorgeous. Plus that accent…” Jaida trailed off.

“Are you going to go for her? Do we know if she likes girls?” Brita questioned.

“No, but we will find out tomorrow, won’t we?”

“Are you guys straight?” Gigi was surprised at how blunt Brita was.

“Honestly, I never really thought of it! I’ve dated some boys, and kissed a girl this one time. I think girls are beautiful, like Jackie? She’s gorgeous. So I guess I’m not? I’m not sure. I don’t know what to call myself, ya know? Like I could be bi, I could be pansexual. What’s the difference anyway? Anyway. That’s what’s college is for, right?” Jan laughed at her own joke. “What about you Brita?”

“I–” Brita began.

“She’s straight,” Jaida interrupted. “We all have our flaws. Just like Jackie. Sorry Jan, but that girl is the straightest girl I’ve ever met. Gigi?”

Gigi was hoping that she wouldn’t be asked this question. She’d never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend either. But, one time back in eighth grade, Gigi kissed her best friend at the time, who was a girl. She hadn’t ever felt anything for a boy before, despite being asked out multiple times by football players.  

“Oh, uh. I don’t date.”

“By choice? Or no one’s wanted to hit that?”

Brita clapped. “Jan! The shade!”

Gigi forced a laugh. “I don’t know. The right one hasn’t come along, I guess. Anyway, about this party…”

—

When the day was over, Jan and Gigi made their way to their cars. Jaida, Brita and the other trainers had their own tradition of getting dinner together. If anyone had trainees that failed, they would have to buy everyone’s dinner. But, since everyone passed, it was just dinner.

Once in Gigi’s car Crystal admitted, “I’m kind of nervous for this party!”

“Nervous? Why?”  

“Well, I don’t drink.”

“You don’t have to drink,” Gigi reassured. “Lots of people don’t. I’m not one of them, but I know plenty who don’t.”

“It’s not just that it’s just…”

“What?”

“I’ve never really had a lot of friends, just a few super close ones, and we were never cool to get invited to any parties so…”

“Crystal, I’ve been to a bunch of parties, and they’re fun. If you don’t end up having fun, we can dip. I think it’ll be a great time. You can get ready at my house, if you want.”

Her face lit up. “I’d love that!”

“So how are you feeling about opening day tomorrow?”

“Nervous. Excited. Kind of like I wanna throw up when I think about it? You?”

“Same. My assessment was okay. Nothing bad happened, but still…” Gigi trailed off.

“I feel like things went a little too well today, you know?”

Crystal, someone literally called you a bitch.”

“Well yeah, but it could always be worse right?”

Crystal’s positivity was contagious. “Yeah I guess so!”

–

Just like the night before her first day, Gigi didn’t sleep well. She kept thinking about all the horror stories Jaida and Brita told her. Jaida talked about the time a woman stripped naked in the store to try on a swimsuit. Brita dramatically told the story of when a guest threatened to call the cops because she wouldn’t give her the season pass discount on an expired pass. Gigi really hoped nothing like that would happen, especially not on her first day.

She dragged herself out of bed. Her eyes didn’t look as tired as her first day, so she went with light makeup. As she tightened her belt, she looked into the mirror. She looked ridiculous in her uniform, as did everyone else. Everyone but Crystal. Somehow she looked amazing in the uniform.

Once she pulled into her driveway, she texted Crystal

Hey, I’m outside.

omw!!!!

Crystal got into the car and handed Gigi a cup of coffee.

“Hello, my love! Cream and sugar, just how you like it.“

Gigi took a sip as she turned up the radio. Crystal gasped. “Oh my god, are you listening to One Direction?”

“You may or may not have gotten me hooked.”

Their drove consisted of singing off key and sipping coffee. Gigi kept stealing glances at Crystal. The amount of joy on her face filled Gigi’s heart. After parking, the two girls sat in Gigi’s jeep trying to compose themselves. They both had to walk in different directions, so they weren’t able to calm each other’s nerves.

When they could no longer delay the inevitable, Crystal gave Gigi a hug. “Good luck, beautiful!”

She smelled so good, and her hair was so soft. As she walked the opposite direction to the games base, Gigi couldn’t help but watch her walk away.

Gigi made her way to the stockroom at the main store on The Landing, Isle Mercantile. Jaida, Jan, Brita, and a bunch of people didn’t know were waiting. One of them was an older woman in a plain blue polo and khaki shorts. Jaida explained in training that someone dressed like that was a supervisor.

“Hello!” the woman said. “My name is Nina.”

“Hi!” Gigi said shyly.

“Well everyone, we have first two newbies this year. This is Gigi, and this is Jan. We’ll have more people as the season goes on, but right now, make sure these girls feel welcome. Jan, Gigi, this is Dahlia, Rock, and Aiden. Of course, you already know Brita and Jaida. Jaida, you’re going to be the lead today, okay?”

“Lead?” Gigi whispered.

“I’m in charge of choosing your assignments, making sure you go on breaks, and more importantly, making sure y’all make it back from your breaks.”

“I think that today’s going to be a great day that’s going to lead into a great season. Jan, Gigi, I’m so happy to have you with us. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to give me a call!”

Jaida sent Gigi to Candy Kitchen, which is exactly what she was dreading, but she wasn’t about to tell Jaida that. Her hair was going to get ruined by the hairnet that she had to wear, and she sucked at cutting apples. She only hoped that the girl, Rock, would be nice.

Once they made it to the store, Rock asked, “What kind of a name is Gigi?”

“What kind of a name is Rock?” Gigi retorted.

He looked taken aback before saying, “Fair.”

The morning went smoothly. Gigi rang up some transactions. She started out slow, but her speed increased as the day went on. She weighed the bulk candy as people purchased it. At times, she forgot where menu buttons were on the POS, but Rock was always there to help. Rock offered for Gigi to work at the caseline to grab apples, but that made Gigi nervous. Rock agreed to pull apples, but made Gigi promise she would do it after lunch. Gigi made good on her promise, putting on gloves and the apron that was hung up.

A stressed out looking came up to Gigi. “Hi, can I get a chocolate peanut apple, an apple pie apple, and one candied apple?”

“Of course! Do you want me to cut the caramel ones?”

“Are you dumb? Of course I do.”

Gigi was taken aback. “Yes, ma’am.”

Gigi set the apples on the counter, and struggled to remove the sticks. She grabbed the blade, and just like in training, struggled to make slices. Cutting through layers of caramel and chocolate was hard. After a while, she managed to make slices. They didn’t look as nice as Rock’s, but they were mostly intact. She put the two cut apples into containers.

“Umm…” the woman trailed off.

“Yes?”

“You didn’t cut the candied one.”

“Oh, we can’t cut those. The candy will just shatter right off.”

“So I’m supposed to break my teeth on this thing? I don’t care if some falls off, I just want it cut into slices.”

“The apple won’t be as good…”

“Well can you do it anyway?”

Gigi looked at Rock, who shrugged.

Gigi unwrapped the candied apple. This time, she really struggled to remove the stick. She was pulling with all of her strength. She felt the candy coating crack. Shit. Well, it’s what the woman wanted. After finally wrangling the stick out, she cut slices. Almost all of the candy fell off. Gigi put the candy on the bottom of the container and the ugly apple slices on top.

“Here you go, ma’am!”

“Are you serious? It looks like shit!”

"I did tell you that if I cut the apple into slices all the coating would fall off, but you told me that it was fine.”

“Well, maybe, if you didn’t have those skinny chicken arms you could have actually done your job! Also! What’s with your attitude? I know that you don’t give a shit about your job, and you’re probably just some lazy teenager who would rather be making out with her boyfriend all summer, but you’re running my vacation! I spent a lot of money to bring my family here! And I can’t even get a damn apple cut right? What’s your name? Georgiana? I want to speak to your manager.” The woman was nearly screaming. Thankfully, there was no one behind her in line.

“I–”

“Yes ma’am, right away, ma’am.” Rock picked up the phone. “Hi, yes, Nina it’s Rock. I’m in Candy Kitchen and I have a guest requesting a manager. Okay. Thank you.”

“Our supervisor will be here shortly.”

The woman got out of the queue and shot Gigi dagger eyes the entire time. She felt like she was about to have a panic attack. Was she going to get written up? It was her first day and she already had her first guest complaint. After what felt like an eternity, Nina arrived.

“Hello!” her tone was pleasant. “What can I do for you today?”

“This girl ruined my apple.”

“That’s not good. Can you explain to me what happened?”

“She went to cut my candied apple and everything fell off. It’s just an apple and some candy on the bottom now.”

“Ma’am, did Gigi tell you that those apples weren’t meant to be cut?”

The woman mumbled she had.

“And you insisted that she do it anyway?”

“She just must have not done it right! Just look at her, she looks so weak! I’m sure if the oriental one did it, she’d do it fine!”

“Ma’am, please don’t refer to my hostess with that offensive term, and don’t insult my other hostess. Those apples aren’t meant to be cut. You were told that, and still insisted on Gigi cutting it, anyway. It sounds like you were the one in the wrong. Not Gigi. I won’t make you pay for that apple, but I am making you apologize to my hostesses here.”

“I’m sorry,” the woman mumbled. She silently paid for her other two apples with Rock and stormed out, muttering something about leaving a bad review as she left.

“Are you okay?” Nina asked sincerely.

Gigi could only manage to shake her head. Her chest was tight and tears were running down her face. Thankfully, it wasn’t a bad panic attack, but it was a panic attack nonetheless.

“I’ll go with you in the small stockroom. Go back there, have a seat. I just need to call and have Dahlia cover. She’s stocking and should be around soon, anyway. Can you handle the shop by yourself Rock?”

“On it.”

The small stockroom was right behind Candy Kitchen. The entire room smelled like sugar, which made Gigi’s stomach turn. She tried to level her breathing as she sat on the ground.

Nina sat with her and handed her a water bottle. “Hey, listen to me. It’s okay. You weren’t wrong at all. That woman was completely unreasonable.”

“Am I in trouble?” Gigi managed taking a drink of water.

“Why would you be in trouble, when nothing you did was your fault? You are fine. Take as much time as you need.”

Gigi nodded. “Thank you.”

“I mean it. If you ever need anything, call.”

—

Across the park, Crystal was also having a panic attack as she sat in the money room in the games department. A middle aged man kept losing at one of the games. He offered to pay her for a prize, and when she refused, the man lost it. He screamed every bad word and insult that he could muster, right in front of his young daughter. He also threatened to “punch her pretty little face in.”  It was to the point that other guests told him to stop, and security was called. The lead, a boy named Ben, covered for her.

Brooke, a pretty blonde supervisor made her way into the money room. She didn’t say anything, but hugged Crystal, which made her break down. Brooke kindly rubbed Crystal’s red hair.

“That man has been banned from ever coming back.”

“Are there a lot of people like him?”

“Not that bad, sweetie. That was one of the worst ones I’ve seen in my six years here. I’m so sorry that it happened to you, especially on your first day. I promise that it’s usually better. You get to make people’s days. You get to make first dates memorable. You get to make little kids happy. Don’t let a couple of bad people ruin this for you.”

Crystal smiled. “Thank you.”

Brooke sat with Crystal until she calmed down.

“Here, let me fix you.” Brooke wiped all of the eyeliner and mascara that had ran down Crystal’s face with a Kleenex.

Thankfully, there was only about half an hour left of her shift, so Brooke let her hang out in the back.

Brooke’s radio went off. Before taking the call, she asked, “Are you going to be okay, sweetie?”

“Yeah, I will. Thank you.”

Brooke winked. “Anytime.”

–

Gigi met up with Crystal at the lockers and groaned.

“Bad day?” Crystal asked grabbing her bag.

Gigi nodded. On the way to her car, Gigi told Crystal the tale of the candied apple. Crystal looked mortified.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you!”

“I hope your day was better,” Gigi said adjusting her rearview mirror.

“Not… exactly. A grown man threatened to punch me in the face while calling me bad words, some of them I’ve never even heard before.”

“Oh shit Crys,” Gigi said looking at her friend. “I’m so sorry. That makes my story sound like nothing!”

“Gigi, no it’s okay! We both had crappy days, it doesn’t matter which was worse. They were both bad to us, and they’re both over now.”

This made Gigi smile. “Crystal, how are you always so positive?”

“Honestly? I used to not be. But one day I realized that being negative was tiring, so I decided to try to be as positive as possible. Oh, and Gigi?”

“Yes?”

“You know how I said I don’t drink?”

“Yeah.”

“I think after the day I had, I think tonight’s a great night to start.”

“Agreed.”

TAGS: Gigi goode, Crystal methyd, jan sport, jackie cox, jaida essence hall, nicky doll, brita filter, crygi, jankie, jaida x nicky, lesbian au, stupid for you, metaluna

[gem-quest]

[ SIDEQUEST 01. — I N F E R N A  &  N E D D Y  ]

taglist: @ayzrules @bebemoon @interluxetumbra @now-on-elissastillstands @pulltheskydown @atimefordragons @armadasneon

aka: how Neddy & Inferna meet! tl;dr neddy saves inferna’s stupid ass, and inferna loves one (1) dragon who is the goodest boi ever <3

After beating Level 35 - ‘Enchanted Forest and Faerie Court’ - Inferna was pooped; dealing with stupid annoying riddles was, well, stupid. She would have rather just fought the faerie queen lady, no matter how powerful she was supposed to be, and then fucked off.

I could have totally 360 no scope’d her, she thought, a bit bitterly.

But faeries reminded her of an easier level; Finvarra’s Gardens, all the way back in Level Ten. Just the thought of all the food she’d seen the first time she passed through made her mouth water. So, Inferna pulled an ictuium potion out of her inventory, and the next thing she knew, she was surrounded by the blue skies and dancing faeries of the level.

She followed her nose to the feast table, and if Gem Quest was an anime, Inferna’s eyes would have turned into a pair of massive hearts. There were glazed hams and candied figs and dainty little sweetmeats; honeyed wine and fruit tarts and a pig with an apple in its mouth. But one thing, and one thing only, would grab Inferna’s attention anytime, anywhere: pastries.

Inferna gravitated towards the sugary confections, eyeing the sweet treats. She reached out to grab one, already able to taste the chocolatey filling melting over her tongue...

“Hey, what the fu-” Inferna muttered as another player - Moonstone, apparently - came out of nowhere and smacked her hand. 

“Bad idea,” she said.

She jerked her lilac head down the table to the end, where a group of fae NPCs were watching them with intense interest. “If you Partake, they get to keep you.” 

Infera looked up, noting the girl’s pale purple hair (it was gorj), before her gaze flitted back towards the NPCs. “Oh.” Inferna frowned. “I don’t remember that from the last time I came through. Has that always been a thing?”

The other girl smiled. “Er, yeah. It’s been a thing for a while- Sorry, you’ve been through this level before and...you came back for-” she paused, looked down, and then looked back up “-sweets? That’s a new one.” 

Inferna shrugged. “Uh, yeah, there’s no fucking way I would have come back to this level otherwise,” she mused out loud, glaring at the NPCs. “The Finvarra guy is annoying. Honestly, all the NPCs in this game are either annoying, assholes, or both.”

She flicked her gaze back towards the purple-haired Moonstone player. “What about you?” she asked, curious. “Why are you hanging out around here? Is something fun going to happen?”

“No- I’m just camping here. For now.” Neddy smiled again, and stuck her hand out. “I’m Enthroned, by the way. But people call me ‘Neddy’. Less pretentious.” 

Inferna smiled back at her. “Cool name,” she said, taking her hand and shaking it. “Both of them.”

She paused, and flipped her red hair over her shoulder. “I’m Inferna. I tried to name myself Iroh, but someone had already taken the name. You know, after the uncle dude in ATLA?”

Neddy seemed...confused, and her brows creased. “What’s-?” she cut herself off as a shadow passed over the feast. There’s a black dragon flying overhead, but it doesn’t take long for it to disappear from sight. 

When Neddy looks back down, she’s grinning. “You want to come meet a friend of mine?”  

Inferna raised an eyebrow, following Neddy’s gaze skyward, and nodded. “Sure,” she agreed. “What’re they like?”

Neddy started off in....some direction. Inferna couldn’t tell, but she was willing to trust her - she was horrible with directions. “Tall, dark and handsome,” replied Neddy. 

“Really,” Inferna said. “Tall, dark, and handsome in the creepy male movie love-interest-slash-stalker way? Not my type at all. I mean, movie Edward Cullen just looks like a white, uglier version of Kris Wu with that dirty blond-ish colored hair.”

Neddy laughed. “Don’t be so sure. I think you’ll like this one.”

Inferna gave her a skeptical look, but continued following Neddy, until they reached what looked like a treehouse, made out of leaves and branches. “Whoa,” she said, impressed. “Did you make that yourself? That’s so cool; I can’t do jackshit when it comes to, like, arts and crafts. Or building stuff in general.” 

“Well, I had a little help bending these thicker branches, but-” Neddy put her hands on her hips, beaming. “-yeah, it was quite the undertaking. One has need of home and hearth, after all, even in virtual reality.”  

Inferna whistled softly. “Still, it’s super impressive,” she said, admiring the treehouse-ish shelter for a moment longer. “I just steal money from other people so I can have, you know, AC. And running water.” She wrinkled her nose. “The freshmen dorms at my school are like, janky as fuck. Is it even legal to force people to live in places with no AC, when it can get up to 100 degrees in the summer? Anyway, after a year of that, I’m never going without AC again. Ever.”

“So, where’s this friend of yours?” she asked, scanning the area around them.

Neddy blinked. “Oh, right- I guess he’s lollygagging. But I’m sure he’ll be along any second.” She gestured towards the tree house with her thumb. “Do you want to come inside until he gets here?” 

Inferna shrugged, though she was a bit suspicious - did Neddy always just randomly invite people into her house? “Sure, I guess,” trying to sound as nonchalant as she could. 

Neddy smiled and turned to head up the twiggy ladder, but she paused as the same shadow from the feast slipped over them. She looked over her shoulder at Inferna and pointed upwards. “He’s back!” 

Inferna, for her part, was shaken out of her thoughts by Neddy’s excited exclamation. “Huh?” she said, then looked up, as Neddy directed. 

She watched as a jet black dragon circled a couple of times before landing lithely in the cleared area outside of the treehouse. Inferna froze, but Neddy went over to put her arms around the creature the same way someone might hug the family dog. Finally, she looked back over at Inferna, one hand still rested on the dragon’s snout. 

Inferna’s eyes widened. “Shit, you have a dragon?” she asked, her own wariness forgotten as she watched the black dragon circle above and then land in front of them. Inferna stayed where she was by the tree as Neddy threw her arms around the dragon’s neck.

“I told you he was handsome.”   

She nodded, slowly. “He is,” she agreed, smiling despite herself. “What’s his name?”

“Jack.” Neddy gave Jack a fond look. “I know he looks villainous, but he has the kindest heart of anyone I’ve come across in this entire game.” 

“Awww, what a good boy,” Inferna said, taking a few steps closer. A thought occurred to her. “What kind of food does he like?” she asked, mentally rifling through her inventory. “Does he like spicy things?”

“He likes everything. Sugar cubes, especially,” Neddy said with a snort.

Inferna’s eyes lit up. “Oh, perfect!” she exclaimed. “I steal those from the Tearoom all the time. Well, not really ‘stealing’ if they’re just laying around on the tables for people to take, I guess, but what is that NPC who runs it going to do? Tell me I can’t bring Tupperware into the place?”

As she rambled, Inferna popped open her inventory on her player-plexus and selected the sugar cubes. “If I throw one to him, will he catch it?” she asked, beaming at Neddy.

Neddy considered Jack, thoughtfully. “I don’t know. Worth a try.” 

Inferna grinned and clapped her hands. “Okay, here goes,” she said, then gently tossed a sugar cube in Jack’s direction.

Inferna’s grin widened, and she let out an excited squeak as Jack snatched the sugar cube right out of the air - a thoroughly good boi. Neddy giggled. “I’ve never tried that with him before.” 

 “Really?” she asked, tossing another cube in Jack’s direction. “He’s so cute!!!” Jack snorted a plume of noxiousness, as if to say that he was in agreement with Inferna.

She frowned, thoughtful. “You think he’d like hot sauce?” she wondered out loud, pulling out one of her tiny bottles of Inferna Sauce. “I made this myself, because the food is way too bland in this game. Is it okay if I give him some?”

Neddy gestured that Inferna should have at it, and Inferna beamed at her, again, then dunked the bottle of Inferna Sauce onto the sugar cube and tossed it at Jack. Once again, the dragon snapped the treat out of the air. However, this time, Jack’s serpent-y tail swished back and forth afterward- he was clearly a big fan of the improved sugar cube.

“Wow. Guess he likes it. If you keep those coming, I bet he’ll let you have a ride,” said Neddy.

“He’ll let me ride him?” Inferna asked, clapping her hands. “I’ve never ridden a dragon before. Awww, but he’s such a good boy!” And she tossed him another sugar cube covered with Inferna Sauce, cooing at Jack in delight as he swished his tail around.

“What do you think, Cha?” Neddy and Jack shared a look. Inferna watched, intrigued, as the dragon dipped his head- up and down again- almost like nodding. Neddy nodded back before looking over at Inferna. “He’s ready when you are, Inferna.”

“Alright,” she agreed happily, skipping over to Jack. She glanced at Neddy. “How does this work? Do I just get on and hold on to something?”

“Exactly. Hold onto one of those collars.” Neddy gave her a boost onto Jack’s back and indicated the lowest collar studded with clusters of rubies as a hand-hold. “I’ve almost fallen loads of times, but he always catches me, so don’t worry about that. Just hang on as tightly as you can. And take off anything that might fly off of you because he goes really fast. I had a circlet whipped off my head once- it was a really pretty one too.”

Inferna settled comfortably atop Jack’s back, grabbing onto the collar that Neddy pointed her towards. She nodded, taking in Neddy’s advice. “Aw, that sucks,” she said, tying her own hair into a ponytail so that it would be out of her face. “The one good thing about this game is the accessories. I mean, shit, where am I going to get boots like this in the real world?” And she indicated downwards to the black leather boots she was wearing, with a matching leather snake wrapped around one of her calves.

Neddy nodded approvingly. “Those are dope.”

Inferna smiled her thanks. “Okay,” she said, making sure that she was holding on tight. “I think I’m ready to go. Is there something I’m supposed to say to get him to fly?”

“I just say ‘let’s go’. Usually does the trick.”

Inferna gave her a crooked grin. “Sounds good,” she said. “Let’s go?”

Jack took off, and Inferna held on as tight as she could, letting out a loud “Wahoooooo!!!” as he swept up into the sky.

All at once, the wind began rushing past her as they flew up into the clouds, and Inferna was very glad that she’d tied her hair back beforehand. She let out another exhilarated yelp as Jack spun them upside down then right-side up again, giggling at the sheer fun of it all.

Inferna guessed it had been about ten minutes - ten minutes of loop-de-loops and dizzying turns and thrilling dives that made her head spin every which way - when Jack began flying back towards the ground, landing in front of Neddy’s treehouse shelter.

“Holy fucking shit!” she shrieked, letting go of Jack’s collar to clap her hands. “That was by far the best thing I’ve ever done!!!”

Neddy applauded. “He was really showing off for you up there. Lots of fancy maneuvers.”

Inferna gave Neddy a curious look. “Really?” she asked, hopping off of Jack’s back so that she could lean up and kiss him on the snout. “You’re such a good boy,” she cooed, digging out another sugar cube and topping it off with Inferna Sauce. “Here!” And she tossed the sugar cube up into the air for Jack to eat.

Jack caught the morsel, emitting a gentle noise. Inferna stayed to play with Jack, and as night fell, Neddy invited Inferna to stay the night. Inferna agreed, of course - who didn’t love sleepovers?

In the morning, Inferna woke up because she was hungry, and groaned. She was still way too tired, so she tried to fall back asleep (her player-plexus said that it was 6:30 AM in-game, and Inferna found that she stayed up till 6 AM more easily than she got up at that time), but no luck.

After about an hour, Inferna gave up. She left Neddy a message via the messaging function on the player-plexus - hey neddy wassup, i’m gonna bounce bc i need some food, but it was fun meeting you and jack and ill see you around!! <3 :***** - and then climbed down out of Neddy’s shelter, waving goodbye to Jack as she pulled out an ictuium potion, headed for the Tearoom.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 13/03/2021 (Drake, Silk Sonic, Justin Bieber, AJ Tracey)

Look, there are tons of new arrivals for this week, mostly in the top 50 and a third of them being Drake. Olivia Rodrigo’s “drivers license” is still #1 for a ninth week despite the aforementioned Drake. Let’s just run through this as quickly as is possible. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

We have quite a few notable dropouts from the chart here, particularly the UK Top 75 which I cover, including “Siberia” by Headie One featuring Burna Boy, “Apricots” by Bicep, “Afterglow” by Wilkinson off of the return, same with “ROCKSTAR” by DaBaby featuring Roddy Ricch and then some pretty massive dropouts, some of which might return, most will not. These include “willow” by Taylor Swift, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke, “Take You Dancing” by Jason Derulo, “Looking for Me” by Diplo, Paul Woolford and Kareen Lomax and finally, “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles. I’m surprised there weren’t any Drake songs dropping out because he debuted three tracks, the most he could possibly debut, but apparently there weren’t any Drake songs on the chart in the first place. Naturally, as it’s a busy week, we had quite a few notable fallers for songs already on the chart, like “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #16, “Streets” by Doja Cat at #19, “Up” by Cardi B at #21, “Anyone” by Justin Bieber at #23, “Afterglow” by Ed Sheeran at #27, “Bringing it Back” by Digga D and AJ Tracey at #31, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #33, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #36, “Arcade” by Duncan Laurence at #37, “Money Talks” by Fredo and Dave at #38, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa at #39... okay, maybe “quite a few” was an understatement. Regardless, we still have more fallers outside of the top 40, like our biggest fall for “Bluuwuu” by Digga D at #42, “Levitating” by Dua Lipa and remixed by DaBaby at #43, “Love Not War (The Tampa Beat)” by Jason Derulo and Nuka at #45, “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix at #46, “Toxic” by Digga D at #47 and “34+35” by Ariana Grande at #48... as well as “Ready” by Fredo featuring Summer Walker at #50, “Mood” by 24kGoldn and iann dior at #51, “Good Days” by SZA at #52, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #53, “You’re Mines Still” by Yung Bleu and remixed by Drake – apparently that doesn’t count as Drake – at #54, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I at #55, “you broke me first” by Tate McRae at #56, “Regardless” by RAYE and Rudimental at #57, “Whoopty” by CJ at #58, “Pierre” by Ryn Weaver off of the debut to #63, “Be the One” by Rudimental, MORGAN, TIKE and Digga D at #65, “Midnight Sky” by Miley Cyrus at #66, “Mixed Emotions” by Abra Cadabra at #67, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV at #68, “Roses” by SAINt JHN and remixed by Imanbek at #69, “positions” by Ariana Grande at #71 and finally, “Didn’t Know” by Tom Zanetti at #73. You’d think it was Christmas with all of this, except in this case there aren’t returning entries or even many gains other than “SugarCrash!” by ElyOtto up to #59. That’s literally it for any notable gains, so apparently only hyperpop can withstand Drake. God help us.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Don’t You Worry About Me” – Bad Boy Chiller Crew

Produced by Tatics

The “Bad Boy Chiller Crew” sounds exactly like a 2000s UK garage collective from London, and thankfully, I’m pretty much right, except these guys were actually formed in 2018 and see themselves more of a “bassline” group, even if they were formed a decade after the fact. Bassline was big in Yorkshire in the mid-2000s, and I guess the BBCC – subtle – are here to bring it back? I mean, I’d rather it go this way than having rappers lazily sample bassline classics like a couple weeks back so, what have the Bad Boy Chiller Crew got to say? Well, not much clearly, but they’ve never had to. UK garage groups weren’t ever hardcore rap collectives in reality, at least in the mainstream, and their primary purpose was to make bouncy music for the clubs and, yes, it worked. Does this work? Well, no, because it’s not really UK garage or bassline, going for a sampled piano-house chorus and percussion that never really goes full on with the “bassline” or has that much of a breakbeat. These rappers are definitely a presence and whilst I may not know what they’re saying because Genius.com gave up two lines through, at least they’re not more boring, just settling for mildly obnoxious in how everything sounds like double-tracked gang vocals. I can definitely see the mid-2000s influence in some of these synth patterns and absolutely the vocal tone on the chorus, which, by the way, is an incredible chorus that deserves a more subtle rap presence. Hell, I think KSI did a similar track like this with Nathan Dawe... he could have worked here. When I’m saying I’d prefer KSI over your own song and your own beat, you’ve got a problem. As it is, this is a really promising bassline-adjacent song with some really nice string flourishes and an infectious chorus, that falls flat in its attempts to keep me interested when the chorus isn’t playing because it serves more to repulse during instead of keeping its momentum. I’m praying for a remix that takes these guys off, honestly. AJ Tracey? Please?

#74 – “The Bandit” – Kings of Leon

Produced by Markus Drays

Ah, Kings of Leon, that indie rock band who hasn’t made anything good ever. Okay, maybe that’s a blunt, over-the-top statement but as little as I care about modern mainstream indie rock in the first place, I care even less about Kings of Leon, who I’ve yet to hear anything worthwhile from in singles. Regardless, they have a new album, which meant their lead single could finally chart, and I don’t know what a non-fungible token is and I’m not doing research for an album that my friend’s dad – read: Kings of Leon’s main demographic – thought was boring, so how’s this new single? Well, there’s an acoustic guitar strum I swear I’ve heard before, followed by a riff that admittedly sounds okay, a steady drum beat you can see replicated in rock songs of this tempo... the vocalist here is covered by everything in the mix, it feels, and even when I can hear him clearly, the lyrics feel overly cryptic to the point where nothing really sticks, and the guy’s delivery at least used to be commanding. Here, he’s fully checked out and I’m convinced everyone in the band stopped bothering. Whoever does the left-channel electric guitar wankery feels like he’d be more fit on a slower, lo-fi indie rock project and he’d really work in that context. Here, I couldn’t care less about this nothing of a song that just does not move. It chugs along through odd mixing and a “get this over with” guitar solo, and just chugs and chugs for four minutes. I honestly do not see a reason to seek this out, let alone an entire album... but it still went #1. That’s sales for you.

#70 – “What Other People Say” – Sam Fischer and Demi Lovato

Produced by Rykeyz

This song was released last month and hasn’t reached any chart in the US outside of the Bubbling Under yet, even with a video, which is just concerning for Demi, but I know she’s been struggling to reach any kind of further success recently, which is unfortunate as she always came off as one of the most interesting singers to come out of that late-2000s Disney star cast. To be fair, she did collaborate with professional nobody Sam Fischer, so I guess it’s partially her fault. That said, I like this song quite a lot, actually. Lyrically, it focuses on how both singers feel like they’ve left behind your individuality as a result of becoming famous and ending up distancing themselves from people they actually love and care for, with it being heavily implied in Demi’s verse that this is a result of not wanting people like her mother to see where she is now: taking the same drugs she was taught to say no to, with that pre-chorus of her realising she felt she was “better than” all of the people that she mirrors to. You can tell this comes from a real place from Demi, and it’s kind of heartwrenching, even if this instrumental is mostly piano-ballad fluff that does work for such a lyrically heavy song by casting off all attention away from the weak acoustic guitars and the finger-snaps that add more of a soul or gospel element to this production, which is pretty apt for some of the references to separating yourself from the religious practices you grew up on in the chorus. Demi’s vocals are pretty powerful here, and there are some really interesting backing vocals and ad-libs in that last chorus from both of them... oh, yeah, Sam Fischer is on this song too, but he’s such a lack of presence in comparison, even lyrically, that it probably doesn’t matter. Regardless, this is a good song and I hope it becomes a hit past the chaos of this week.

#60 – “Heartbreak Anniversary” – Giveon

Produced by Maneesh and Sevn Thomas

I figured this guy would finally chart here in the UK eventually, “Chicago Freestyle” notwithstanding, which was a top 10 hit for him and – guess who? – Drake. Anyway, this guy’s from California yet he totally sounds British sometimes, but that’s all I’ve really paid attention up until this point, and, yeah, I like this quite a bit too. Giveon has a really unique voice and the intro with those distorted vocal samples is a real Kanye touch to the whole song. The song is about Giveon finding it really hard to cope with a break-up of a relationship he thought had a lot of potential, through the odd and janky metaphor of “heartbreak anniversary”. The really cavernous mixing does accentuate how the percussion feels very stunted and the song as a whole feels kind of rough around the edges, but the desperate tone in Giveon’s voice and those pretty excellent backing vocals in the post-chorus sound pretty excellent, especially over these subtle pianos, and there are certain moments in the song that, like all good R&B, you remember for the vocal run or the harmonies, really rather than the chorus, so, yeah, this is good and I hope it sticks around. Huh, maybe sleeping a lot does make you more of a positive person... or maybe the music’s just good for once.

#49 – “Ferrari Horses” – D-Block Europe featuring RAYE

Produced by Da Beatfreakz

Ah, “Ferrari Horses”, from the same album as such gems as “Mr. Mysterious”, “Only Fans”, “Gulag” and my personal favourite, “Perkosex”. Maybe I’m just happy whenever I know a D-Block Europe song’s debuting because these guys are very rarely all that great but just consistently hilarious... and this one’s no different. It starts with reverb-drenched Auto-Tuned moaning from both RAYE and Young Adz that reminds me of Charli XCX if anything, because... sure, before it’s drowned out by acoustic guitar loops and a drill-adjacent trap beat... and, yeah, it’s really badly-mixed, especially the bass mastering, but, it’s a really satisfying drop, I’m not going to lie. The chorus’ melody is way too infectious for its own good, and you’d be surprised with the chemistry that Adz and RAYE seem to have, as she shares a verse with Adz where they bounce off of each other’s flow quite smoothly, both going into pretty funny falsettos – one that genuinely made me laugh out loud when I heard Adz’ attempt – but she really sells the melodic trap angle, I’m really surprised. Why is she still doing EDM? The double-tracking on her last few lines is beautiful, and I love how she comes in when it’s unexpected to awkwardly interrupt either Adz’s chorus or where Dirtbike LB’s verse would be... until he does actually come in and he kind of kills it, not as much as RAYE of course, but I think his delivery here is pretty great, especially when he slides in his Auto-Tuned flow from the more fast-paced cadence to the melodic drawl afterwards where I’m convinced he interpolates Weezer. Sure, the mixing is still bad, with the reverb percussion in the last chorus being really unnecessary, and the sequencing generally being off, and the content is really nothing interesting at all, except with a couple fun lines from RAYE, like when she says how she feels like she’s in Prince’s house because there’s purple all around her (we can infer what that “purple” is) or how she’s “so lit” that she can see two Young Adz, before realising it’s actually Dirtbike LB. I don’t think either member of D-Block Europe realises the layers to that line, but it’s probably best to keep them in the shadows, especially if it’s as unintentional as it sounds. Yeah, this is genuinely really great, and whilst I doubt it’ll last, I’m honestly shocked to the quality of this. Maybe D-Block Europe are just... good? Okay, I won’t go that far, but check this out.

#41 – “Medicine” – James Arthur

Produced by Red Triangle and Matt Rad

British daytime television and news rarely cover the Top 40, but at some point Lorraine Kelly did bring up new music releases expected to smash the charts, those being this song, Justin Bieber’s new track and that Joel Corry song we discussed last week. They did not mention the three new Drake songs or even the new track with Bruno Mars and Anderson .Paak, both of which out-charted this guy intensely. Regardless, this has the foundation of a good song somewhere. It starts with a really nice-sounding pop-punk guitar riff that James Arthur could really sound good on. The song’s about being overly dependent on a woman who really helps with maintaining his mental health... but then instead of being a rock song, it goes straight into a generic, boring trap ballad with too much in its cluttered mix for its own good. The lyrics feel increasingly lacking in self-awareness, asking the woman to not let him “spiral” when he becomes suicidal, which seems like an obligation the woman does not need to take up unless she really cares enough. In the second verse, he starts rapping, full-on triplet flow, and I realise that this is James Arthur trying to do emo-rap and lose all hope. Then he says, “Everything gonna be Gucci today”, and the hope goes into negative numbers. If we’re going to bring back some essence of rock on the charts, please don’t let it be whatever the hell this is.

#34 – “Anxious” – AJ Tracey

Produced by Remedee

I guess he heard my pleading a couple songs ago. Anyway, it’s pretty bad that I could vision how this song goes by looking at the lyrics... and I was pretty accurate, but that’s partially because of how he uses Drake flows all over this song, directly referencing his songs “Life is Good” and “POPSTAR”. Regardless, this song is pretty alright, actually, especially with that bassy ambiance that serves the drill-adjacent trap beat with a lot of tension, perfect for his checked-out delivery about gunplay and flexing. It’s a British trap-rap song that does what it does in very little interesting fashion, but has good production and a vaguely charismatic vocalist. It also sounds a lot less fun than the lyrics will make you think, but it does have some energy in this fast-paced beat and by the second verse, AJ Tracey is saying some funny stuff, like how he’s “recession proof” and seems to know his exact UK Singles Chart statistics. Please, just do my job, I think people would be genuinely interested in reading what AJ Tracey thinks of Kings of Leon. I never really like AJ Tracey when he’s on a dark vibe, anyway, I think he really shines on more sugary production, but I think that’s just my preference when it comes to trap anyway. The song’s fine, but I can’t say it’s anything more.

#25 – “Hold On” – Justin Bieber

Produced by Louis Bell and watt

I’m pretty sure Bieber is still pushing “Anyone” and in the US, “Holy” is still doing pretty well to my knowledge, so I guess it makes sense to drop an album but not really another single before it, especially since now it seems to start underperforming. Regardless, I’m a bit more willing to enjoy this one because of that washed-out acoustic guitar pick-up and a definite groove in the bass and percussion during that chorus. I mean, Justin Bieber still isn’t interesting at all, but I like the guitars in the chorus and I guess that’s something. The content? Condescendingly holding his hand out to a woman he only vaguely describes, whilst pushing out the “we all make mistakes” narrative he wants to continue from “Lonely”. By the time the guy has any genuine rock energy he’d need for this song, it ends, so I’m just going to say that this is mid-tier Maroon 5 and move on.

#20 – “Leave the Door Open” – Silk Sonic, Bruno Mars and Anderson .Paak

Produced by D’Mile and Bruno Mars

When Bruno Mars and Anderson .Paak revealed a collaborative album was to release soon under the band name “Silk Sonic” – an incredible name by the way, how did no-one in the 70s copyright that? – I was immediately overjoyed and excited. Not only would this probably be a great album but it would be that one last boost that pushes .Paak into a mainstream context and for the record, he’s one of my favourite artists working today. His last three albums are all great and he’s made some of my favourite music ever, and has never been able to get that final reach into the charts until now, where riding on the coattails of Bruno Mars – who, by the way, is a fantastic artist in his own right nowadays – they’ve made a massive retro-soul cut that debuts at... #20. Okay, well, I know this style is bigger in the US but I did expect a top 10 debut here. Huh, well, that doesn’t take away from the fact that this song is absolutely incredible from the moments it starts with that drum fill and that distorted bass flowered by the jingling keyboards, with .Paak delivering some angelic intro vocals, and that’s before the first verse, where .Paak trades off with Bruno Mars really smoothly about simply picking up a girl yet making it sound like the most wonderful thing in the world. Bruno Mars almost sounds like he’s imitating .Paak at times, especially when he says that he just shaved and is “smooth like a newborn” in a really funny harmony. You could call Mars’ chorus cheesy but it’s just as cheesy as 70s funk was back in its day, and the way the instrumental builds up the tension with the rising pianos and smashing percussion just to cool down for the perfect pay-off in the chorus proves that even a song trying its best to imitate a live, jam-band recording and doing it very well can sound this intricate and perfectly crafted. .Paak’s second verse – he handles all of the verses here, probably because he’s ostensibly a rapper – has even more of a smooth, comedic charm as he offers the girl weed before also offering her filets, whilst also referencing some classic, iconic songs by three artists, namely Jimi Hendrix, Michael Jackson and... Anderson .Paak himself, and somehow it does not seem either forced or too unsubtle of a flex. The harmonisation in the background vocals in the chorus convince me that angels have been dropped down from Heaven and are currently living in Bruno Mars’ recording studio. Even at points where Bruno Mars is serenading you with “la-la-la’s”, its ridiculousness is undercut with .Paak’s ad-libs, and each chorus is so different that it never feels like Bruno is meandering or repeating himself... until the outro, which just of fades out because it goes nowhere. Honestly, I would rather prefer to see how the song really ends, and I think we will when the album comes out, but as a single, it definitely still works, and hell, a lot of those 70s soul and funk cuts faded out on the single edit anyway. I don’t think I’ve been this excited for a project in ages so, yeah, I have high hopes for Silk Sonic and this song alone keeps me fed well enough. Also, .Paak isn’t just a vocalist here, he’s on the drums too. Just saying.

#10 – “Wants and Needs” – Drake featuring Lil Baby

Produced by Cardo, Dez Wright and 40

At this point, after I’ve mentioned Drake a couple times and said he had three debuts this week, you’re probably wondering where they all are. The answer to that is that every single song from his triple-barrelled single release, Scary Hours 2, debuted in the top 10, with this being – to my surprise – the lowest, only hitting #10, which is still nothing to scoff at. Even for Drake, this is doing really well, which I imagine is because of how he had to delay his album so people are really craving for some new Drake that isn’t “Laugh Now Cry Later”. Now, I for one am not, and honestly I’m probably craving for less Drake if anything. That’s just my personal bias, though – I didn’t really like this project and haven’t liked much of Drake since 2015 or even earlier, but I still think the guy’s talented. I’m just pretty sick of the formula at this point. This particular single-EP thing doesn’t stray that far away from it either, with one song for the clubs, for the radios and for the fan. This one I think is for the clubs, even though they’re not even open so it’s really just for anyone to stream, and hence, we have Lil Baby on his third song with Mr. Graham. I wasn’t a fan of Baby until recently, and I’m not sure being a “fan” is really all that sincere as it’s really just hope and good will, but he absolutely kills his verse here and is the only reason could possibly be worth for me to revisit. The beat has vague squelchy synths and a boring trap pattern, heavy bass and some admittedly cool strings in the background that are cut out and drowned out by Drake being pretty blatantly off-beat. The chorus is monotonous and just stalling time until we get a brief escape from Drake for around 50 seconds of Lil Baby ranting rapidly in his typical frog-throat delivery and it left me kind of astonished on first listen because of how unexpected it was, and it’s still a great verse, even if the content is just flexing. “I’m not a GOAT, but I fit the description” is a bar, and I like the reference to betting his Ferrari off in a Las Vegas casino, which I hope he did not actually do. Hey, it’s more interesting than Drake wasting time with Kanye subliminals that aren’t even subliminals anymore, and a reference to how people grow on his albums, which I don’t think is even true, at least for his recent work. Ah, well, it could be worse. For example:

#6 – “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” – Drake featuring Rick Ross

Produced by Austin Powers, FnZ, Keanu Beats and Boi-1da

I refuse to believe this many people listened to Drake ramble for six and a half minutes. I refuse to believe there was a need for four people to make this lazy, unchanging beat that can’t even mix its sample correctly. I refuse to believe Rick Ross washed Drake on his own song for... you know, being vaguely clever and not a waste of time? Maybe I just love that “M-M-Maybach Music” tag, who knows? I definitely like it more than Drake, who handles the last five or so minutes with his monotone delivery and taking breaks to let the beat play because apparently, he can’t think of a flow that means he wastes less of the listener’s time. I’m sick of Drake’s more lyrical tracks nowadays where he goes on and on about how everything goes wrong for him despite him being so rich and famous and that’s the plot of this verse. It does not make you likeable or “real”, Drake, it makes you much more distanced and honestly just coming off as boring and kind of a dick. He starts his verse on a melancholy boom-bap beat by flexing that he’s a war hero – even though the last “war” he was in, he thoroughly lost – whilst also saying he’s doing all this expensive stuff in foreign countries when really, he should be staying in Canada or wherever he is during a pandemic. He then says, “These days, fame is disconnected from excellence”, which first of all, has always been the case and second of all sounds rich as hell coming from Aubrey Drake Graham, the most famous rapper, singer and musician currently alive, and far from the most “excellent”. That’s before he does his typical click-bait female-name-dropping and brags about his child whilst also side-eyeing the child’s mother for no reason, saying he had brunch with the judge he’s appearing before in court for child custody – you know, bribery – and that he doesn’t like how when he pays child support, she sends her the heart emoji in response. What else do you want, Drake? She’s the one raising this child, you have no right in telling her what emojis to use when you brag about sending child support to her, and then in your song which gets millions of plays. I’m not going to make assumptions about the mother here but it sounds like a really bad move, especially when you continue to talk about how the mothers at parent-teacher meetings flirt with you and ask if you know celebrities, whilst also bringing Secret Service-level security to the humble French school in Toronto your kid goes to. Something feels really icky about putting so much pressure on your son and their mother through rap lyrics, not even giving them much of a limelight other than through condescending references in a snoozefest of a single. Oh, yeah, and then he boasts about being friends with the corrupt, human-rights-violating royal family of Dubai, before mixing lines about how his house looks bigger through his son’s eyes with how his penis looks bigger when the woman is drunk. Yeah, no, you can’t really redeem this especially when the beat is unchanging and dull. I’m not a fan, and honestly, Drake’s pushing into his late 30s and yet I still think it’s applicable to tell him to grow up. I can’t say as much for this next track, however.

#3 – “What’s Next” – Drake

Produced by Maneesh and Supah Mario

Okay, for our final Drake track, we have the only solo cut and surprisingly easily my favourite of the three, and the reasons why are pretty subtle. The trap beat relies on a really bassy trap knock over a chiptune-sounding beat that goes really hard, and even if Drake’s vocals are mixed... just straight-up incorrectly, being so far in the left channel for no reason and that being kind of inexcusable for a big artist, he still has a lot more energy here than he does on any given Drake track. His flow is faster-paced, and he references a lot of his older work through pretty slick lines, mostly based on delivery, and there are really subtle counter-melodies in the beat that creep into the mix and sound really great. Drake himself actually brings one of his best verses in the second verse, which is probably his best flow in years and some pretty nice bars, none I can quote here because of how long that stream of bars goes for. The sequencing is somewhat off and Drake’s vocals seem to cut off really abruptly a lot of the time but for Drake, this is as good as it gets in 2021, and I’m pretty happy to have a genuinely good Drake song on the chart. Hopefully, it won’t be eclipsed by those two other tracks as time goes on, but we’ll see.

Conclusion

It may sound odd after dunking on Drake for a while at the tail-end of this episode but this is a damn good week all things considered. I think I only dislike the Worst of the Week here, going to “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” by Drake featuring Rick Ross, with a Dishonourable Mention for Kings of Leon’s “The Bandit”, though it’s not really that bad of a song, just pales in comparison to some of the absolute gems we have this week, particularly Best of the Week, which obviously goes to “Leave the Door Open” by Silk Sonic, whilst Honourable Mention is a bit more of a toss-up. I’d give a tied Honourable Mention to both “Ferrari Horses” by D-Block Europe featuring RAYE and “What Other People Say” by Demi Lovato and Sam Fischer. Sorry, Giveon, it was really close. Here’s our top 10 for the week:

Thank you for reading. You can follow my Twitter @cactusinthebank but I’ve actually been permanently locked out of that, so I probably wouldn’t bother. Regardless, next week, in the words of Drake, we’ll see what’s ‘bout to happen next. See you then!

[aruneshgoyal]

31 Fateful Stories (Begins Here)

I. THE COST OF LOVE

Janki was acutely aware of the love shining forth in her heart for the forlorn child – Kashyap, who happened to be the only son of her tenants – Mrs. & Mr. Lakhanpal. Kashyap had arrived in this world largely due to her and her husband, Pritam’s largesse and benign role.

Incidentally, Janki had no children of her own. So, when Mrs. Lakhanpal approached Janki for help on the day she went into labour, Janki had pointed out quite elaborately that she was most willing to help but shouldn’t be blamed or held responsible in case something went wrong.

Mrs. Lakhanpal, on her part, would have none of this. Actually, she was acutely short of money as the day of labour had come well before the doctors’ prediction. And, she needed help to reach the distant G.B. Pant Hospital urgently.

 As the events unfolded, Janki agreed to take  Mrs. Lakhanpal in her husband Pritam’ s Maruti 800 to the hospital on the fateful day. And, as you would have it, a son was born to Mrs. & Mr. Lakhanpal around midnight. Janki had kept vigil throughout the night in case of any emergency needs of the couple.  

As the sun shone brightly on the horizon, the two families returned happily together with their prize catch of the day, viz. Kashyap.

As Kashyap grew up, he developed a strange fondness for Janki. The latter too adored and doted upon him. As Kashyap grew up a little more, he became rather naughty and used to play pranks upon Janki – almost his foster mother now, so to say. But never did Janki complain about the boy! She only fed him with Besan Laddoos, onion pakodas, and Magi noodles. The boy seemed to enjoy this all the more to his heart’s content.

Anyway, time came for Kashyap’s admission to school. And, as always, Mrs. Lakhanpal had no second thoughts about approaching Janki for the admission fee. Being the darling son of the two families taken together, Janki didn’t mind the huge fee and expenditure involved. After all, Kashyap was to be educated in a good public school.

Very soon, Kashyap completed his education and was ready to go abroad for higher studies. As it happened, he couldn’t find any suitable sponsor to promote his cause. Mrs. Lakhanpal had no hesitation once again to turn to Janki for some more help.

Janki thereupon called Kashyap and said – “Son! Take this gold bracelet marked ‘K’ as a token of my love. This is all I can do for you now. The rest of it you have to manage and meet and stand up on your feet on your own”. So saying, she blessed the boy and quietly withdrew from the scene into the innermost chambers of her home.

Her husband, Pritam, arriving late from work that day and seeing her in a rather pensive mood inquired of her – “Janki! Why did you do this? We could have easily borne the entire cost of higher education overseas especially as we have no issue of our own”!  

“And, spoilt the boy’s self image forever? No, not any cost whatsoever!! I just love him too much for that!!!”  

[artificialqueens]

Snatched Chapter 2 by Vanguard

Hi again! I am currently working on a chapter of Cradle but thought I would post this chapter of Snatched since it was done. Thank you to the anon who complimented this, I don’t think people understand how good it is for someone to praise something they work so hard on.

I would love a beta if anyone had time, you don’t have to beta both fics if it’s too much. HMU on my blog @the-artificial-vanguard if you are available.

I’m really excited about where this fic is going. Ok I’ll stop with the AN and get on with it. Hopefully the next few chapters might be over 1000 words. ok BIIEEE!

Chapter 2

“What do you mean you always knew?” Robert turned, shocked at this declaration.

“It’s kind of hard to explain,” Alaska confessed rather bashfully, a rather odd thing to see as Alaska was anything but bashful, “I…well I didn’t think that you guys would understand. I thought they you wouldn’t believe me and you’d think I was crazy.” Alaska hung her head, chin quivering.

Barbara reached over Robert to grab Alaska’s hand, “please Alaska. Tell us, we’ll believe you.”

“Well every once in awhile when I was a kid, I would get dreams that always felt like more than dreams. The first time I met him and told him my name, he laughed and introduced himself as Aaron. He was blonde and was tall but he looked small for his age. Sometimes he…” Alaska paused, licking her lips and wondering if she should tell them the next part.

“Sometimes he what darling?” Barbara said, thirsty for more information about her baby boy that she had yearned to find and hold and love. Although they were a conservative family who normally wouldn’t believe in anything like this, why would Alaska lie?

“Well sometimes he seemed sad and sometimes…” Alaska took a deep breath, knowing her next words would destroy her mother. Barbara and Robert waited patiently although they both wanted to shake the information out of Alaska. “Sometimes he would be crying and feel scared, I could kind of feel his emotions and sometimes he would have bruises.”

“Good Lord! Why didn’t you tell us?” Robert said softly and he put an arm around Barbara who was softly weeping into her hands.

“I’m sorry, I just thought they were dreams at first and well, I didn’t think you guys would be really receptive to be honest.” Alaska said, furrowing her brow and biting her lip.

“I’m sorry hunny,” Robert reached over and held her hand, Alaska and Robert constantly argued and it had been a long time since he had shown any affection towards her. She squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.

“How long have you been having them and what do you mean they were dreams AT FIRST?” Barbara queried in a tiny voice.

“The first time I remember dreaming about him was when I was 5-ish, then I could almost channel him, sometimes I could see him. You guys called him my imaginary friend and kept trying to get me to stop seeing him but by the time I was 8, I knew that I couldn’t talk to him out-loud so we developed a way to talk in our heads. Every time I looked like I was off daydreaming, I was usually talking to him. But, the past year or two, I couldn’t get ahold of him. It was like a janky cell phone that kept breaking up.”

“Oh poor Aaron!” Barbara said, still unable to stop crying.

“I’m sorry,” Robert said. Alaska was surprised that her normally gruff Dad had tears streaming down his face, “that we never believed you when you were younger and that I always snapped you out of your daydreams. I’m sorry most of all that you couldn’t confide in me. I am going to be a better Dad to you. I’m sorry I failed you.”

Alaska put her slender hand on his Dad’s shoulder, “you didn’t fail me Pops,” Robert smiled at the nickname, “not at all!” Robert twisted and pulled Alaska into a hug, something that he did usually do and Alaska usually didn’t like. Looks like things might change in the Honard family.

“Do you think we should go get our boy?” Robert asked, looking between the two ladies in his life. Barbara nodded, smiling gently and still crying softly.

“Can you guys give me a second?” Alaska asked tentatively.

“Of course sweetie!”

Alaska stood up and ran up the stairs, she found the black onyx necklace that he always commented on and then slipped into his room. It was always locked but she had learned to pick the lock when she was 10, her curiosity at what was in there was driving her crazy. Up til then she didn’t know about Aaron, didn’t suspect the boy in her dreams was him, she just wondered what was in the room that she heard her mother softly crying in at night. After she had snuck in there a few times, she asked her parents who the room was for.

Aaron’s room was just like it always was, a dusty smell permeated the air, she closed the door softly and padded over to sit in the lone rocking chair in the corner.

The room was a delicate shade of blue with a border at the top of little Arks and animals. There was a change table and a bassinet, both had Noah’s ark themed linens that had faded with time.

She didn’t sit long, eager to go meet her brother in person. She had never actually asked if he was her brother but he wouldn’t know that anyway because he didn’t know he didn’t belong to his family he had now. She pulled the little blue teddy bear into her arms and gave it a hug.

Today was the day her whole life would change forever. She took a deep breath and left the room, still holding the bear as the door clicked softly shut.

She was ready.