#he's discerning for the diaconate! and i think he could be a good one too | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thebirdandhersong · 2 years ago

Text

Excellent news turns out there was a miscommunication and Mr. Knight isn't still interested--learned instead that what actually is the case is that he DOES know and understand why the relationship ended. He is committed to avoiding me at all costs now so that he can move on, which is fair enough. I didn't think we could be friends after this. Bad news I have to think with nuance and admit to myself that I was not entirely blameless either and that I do need to be careful not to conclude in bouts of anger or sadness that I was an innocent victim who suffered and endured the slings and arrows of outrageous treatment like a saint and now to deal with residual negative feelings with more wisdom and care than previous fanning of flames

#it is much easier for me to hold onto outrage and grief and anger #because i think part of me is afraid that i put him off dating for good #or that i hurt him so badly that he'll carry that forever #i think it's easier to be hard and untouchable but i CANT and i cant let myself #at the end of the day he IS a brother in Christ and my friends' friend.#we were just not suited for each other #it isnt that he was a villain or an idiot #he's just not the right person and that's fibe #fine #after learning this today i realised that yes i AM angry still. and hurt. and i let that become bitterness at times #but i still have some tender feeling toward him which is kind of like an echo #he's discerning for the diaconate! and i think he could be a good one too #he has kindness fidelity and love for God and is very steadfast #and if God is calling him to be a deacon i think he will be a wonderful one #i can wish him well and keep moving on #and not be so repulsed by that tenderness i think #but take it as genuine appreciation for what he used to be to me #i am glad that he was the first boy i dated. despite the things that did not work at all #he was the first person who showed me that kind of boyishly clumsy but altogether sincere love #ex. his left sleeve was all wet on the first date because he held his umbrella so far over me #anyway it is hard to reconcile that happiness with the crushing sadness #that came afterwards and it is very hard to hold the joy of the first half of the relationship #with all the troubles of the later half and the hurt that followed #but it's easier now to look at all of this and not feel terrible lol #God's grace! and His hand throughout #my heart is a lot more at peace now :) i was so so angry in the weeks leading up #to valentine's day. it is good to remember that mr knight is first and foremost a brother in Christ #and that while we will never share the same kind of happiness we had during the relationship again with each other #we will share in the same joy of our Lord's victory #anyway many thoughts :)

29 notes · View notes