#he'd have externalised it

[celendiar]

charles rowland is the epitome of the overly passionate ally to queer person pipeline meme, pass it on

[pyreo]

I'm comparing the Dungeon Meshi manga to episodes I just watched and now I gotta capital-p Post about this one episode (spoilers past Episode 12)

So this part is an emotional side-step from the central throughline so far - Laios and Marcille got Falin back successfully and reunited, and they got that payoff from the very beginning where they thought it would be impossible. But Chilchuck is very much a part of these layers of development, so after that dragon finally dies, we stop for a second - Laios and Marcille are recovering, Falin has disappeared again - how does Chilchuck feel at that point?

It's the perfect stage to insert that because he didn't really share in that sense of victory in the same way as Laios and Marcille recovering someone extremely close to them. And that's on purpose because he keeps everyone at arms' length. As soon as that arc hits its end and Falin is recovered, there's at last space to ask - why is Chilchuck even here.

He's asking himself that through the chapter. Now that they've lost the person they intended to save, he regrets agreeing to come.

And starts shouldering responsibility for everything ending up this way. We saw that when he got stuck in the mimic room before - he refuses to let himself ask for help, or he'll try to take burdens alone to lessen relying on others. The original Touden Party was six people, and when Laios insisted on going back underground they were two, and he knew they would die, and figured maybe, maybe if they were one more, with his skillset, maybe they'd have a chance. He couldn't let them walk back down just to die.

And he's going back to that mindset - their lives are on me. He thinks he could have prevented this if he'd chosen differently. Essentially, the walk alongside the orc woman is him working through a guilt spiral.

He sees a second chance to correct that mistake of joining the party. He wants them out now, before they die. The orc asks him how they defeated a dragon and, in explaining it, he reminds himself of all the risky, ridiculous things they had to do, and he isn't satisfied with just getting lucky. Laios got his foot bitten off, on purpose! This proves to him that if they go any further they will not survive. And he hints at this dissatisfaction a couple chapters later, wishing his teammates prioritised things other than winning at all costs...

Like, obviously. The point of this chapter is Chilchuck pretending to be a self-serving coward. To the point where others react with disdain, even disgust, towards him because he wants to lie to Marcille and Laios to ensure they turn back. He's desperate to get out of a hopeless situation by any means necessary, and will destroy his standing in the group in a blink if it means nobody else dies. He has to go on a stupid mental health walk for his stupid mental health and talk through his little bout of panic and doubt.

'You called me a coward so don't be surprised when I act accordingly'

He needs someone very blunt to tell him 'dude you're not being a coward for wanting your friends to get out of hell alive. you're a coward for making excuses instead of honestly telling them your concern is genuine' and he BSODs about it. He needs to rant and externalise that frustration over their recklessness at a third party. He needs to scream that they are idiots because he's the only one for which the ends don't justify the means and he can't keep losing his mind over everyone's safety. Down to a point, the orc praises their ability to survive the explosion from the dragon's fuel sac, and it only justifies Chilchuck - Falin didn't even know she could cast the spell that stopped them all being killed, and they cannot continue getting lucky like this.

Anyway. The reason I stopped to think about it was this part-

Where he recovers Laios's monster-infused sword. The thing that made their situation in the dragon fight go from bad to worse, that he swore at Laios for in every language he knew. The most angry we'd seen him. And now he calmly picks it up and praises it for being the only one of them smart enough to make a run for it.

He's projecting, obviously. He's internalising the label of 'coward' and changing himself to fit it. And, look at him, he's so tired of this. It's evidence of his sheer exhaustion that his anger immediately disappears and he actually gives it a compliment. Him and Laios's sword, the group cowards, the only one who agrees with him.

Then, because he had a walk before getting into the argument, he's organised his feelings and drops all the walls and pretense and just says it.

There's a rule of writing where you contrast your high energy sequences with parts that are slow and mundane, to make the difference more apparent. I think that's why I like this bit so much. The fight against the dragon is long, and the emotional stakes are enormous. Right after that we have the bath scene with Falin and Marcille, and Laios ruffling Falin's hair, and this part that pauses everything to explore the stuff that Chilchuck finally needs to say. And it's wrapped in this neat little solemn journey to pick up their supplies and remember how it felt when all five of them had a meal around a real dinner table at last.

And because he doesn't resort to individualistic trickery, because he explains his point as a duty of care rather than pitting himself against the others, he gets backed up. Senshi agrees that they don't have the supplies to continue, and the orc lady mentions her brethren will return later and can give them support, all of which together breaks down Laios's singleminded devotion to his cause.

Personally I think the manga's better suited to comic timing, but in the anime you can get fleshed out little moments, like Laios's face journey as he realises the other three are making a good case for their survival.

This was my favourite part so far, and I like how both Chilchuck-centric episodes have separated him from the others. Because he won't reveal anything he's thinking otherwise. lmao

[saintsenara]

if Fred had lived and George died do you see him getting crueler? not like crazy but he is considerably meaner than Geoege and i wonder if he wasn’t there to balance Fred out would he be more like how we see James and Sirius in SWM

i don't know if i'd necessarily say that i think he'd get crueler, but what i do think is that he'd externalise his grief in a way which george doesn't.

it's really interesting that - even though we don't actually see george's grieving process on the page - a standard version of it has developed among the fandom, guided by the few details jkr has provided about his later life [that he can't produce a patronus, that his relationship with angelina is "unhealthy... but as happy as it could be". in every post-war fic i've ever read - and in my own writing - george's grief ends up being something implosive.

he's usually written as drinking heavily, for example, and his drinking is written as something which makes him catatonic. he's usually written as someone who doesn't get out of bed and doesn't have any interest in anything, whose emotional state is numb and exhausted. and he's usually written as absolutely broken by sorrow, but still able to accept the bigger picture of the cause fred died for - rather than furious and looking for someone to blame.

fred - in contrast - is somebody i imagine would have grief which was explosive.

i can see him as someone who would also drink, but who was made restless and impulsive by drinking - that he'd go out of his way to start fights, that he'd do dangerous, high-adrenaline things while drunk [whatever the wizarding equivalent of speeding is, for example] - and as someone who becomes very manic in grief - not sleeping, constantly bouncing from one new thing to the next, not allowing himself to rest because this would mean having to sit with the knowledge that his other half was gone - and as someone whose emotional state is fractious and raw.

and i also see him attempting to soothe himself by finding someone to blame for george dying.

and i think there's something very interesting - not least for its impact on the broader weasley family dynamics - in the idea that this would be harry.

[ambyandony]

Narancia Ghirga - Monster AU Profile

Narancia Ghirga, a mischievous shapeshifter with reckless habits, undying loyalty, and a shaky sense of belonging.

Preface about species type:

This post will be introducing many polymorph-related vocabulary terms which will be included in the Monster AU 'dictionary'; you don't need to worry about getting confused, because I'll stick with layman's terms for the most part, I'm just including the more formal terms for fun and fake education. They are all words I made up.

Narancia's a bit of a special case; his specific classification is unknown, making him fall into the special category of tochnopolymorph (TOECH-no-paw-lee-morf), also known as a non-specific shapeshifter (NS3), or 'true polymorph'. There are many, many different 'breeds' of polymorphs, but they often have defining features, a true form, set forms, and/or a different classification (such as zooanthrope, selkie, Diego Brando, etc.).

Narancia, however, is one of the types that do not fit into a known further specification. Though he has a natal form (protomorph) that is usually assumed to be his 'true form', Narancia is versatile and does not have a 'true form' (as he's never defined one for himself), only a default; his default form is the same as his protomorph. He can change any physical aspect of himself to a certain extent and can transform into anything provided it isn't too big (as accumulating significantly more matter into his being spontaneously is not generally within the extent of his capabilities, and usually transforming beyond his own mass involves fucking around with internals and is just in general kind of really horrifying).

Note that the rules that apply to Narancia do not apply to all polymorphs, or even all tochnopolymorphs, necessarily.

His clothes stay with him when he shifts, but whether this means that; 1. his clothes are actually a part of his body, 2. he internalises his clothes when he shapeshifts, and then externalises them when he returns to human/protomorph or, 3. some other bullshit; is unclear.

Details related to Polymorphism:

His tail, which is somewhat feline, leonine, or heraldic unicorn-like, is prehensile, meaning it can grab and hold things. It can also extend and shorten at will, though it gets less bushy at the end the longer it gets.

He has tapeta lucida. His eyes are reflective when light shines on them, but they also seem to glow in the dark somewhat.

Could trans his gener in any way at any time he wants to. Except legally. He presumably generally doesn't. But he could. And if he does. It's none of our business.

Many of his theriomorphs (animal forms), such as cats and dogs, have black fur since that's the colour of his hair, and purple eyes, which is a risk to give him away, as the colour is unusual. When questioned about the giveaway, he says, "I'm a shapeshifter, not a fucking chameleon!" However, his ability to imitate other humanoids to a semi-convincing degree, including the all-around-pale Pannacotta Fugo, suggests there are probably other factors involved.

If given enough time, he, like most tochopolymorphs, can regenerate any sort of piercing damage (like cuts, stabs, and bullet wounds). Polymorphic regenerative 'invulnerability' reportedly "does not extend to fall damage"; and may not recover a major pierce through the heart, as they don't have the time to heal it because they are dying right fucking now!!

It's important to note that if something is removed, it would take significantly more effort to restore it, as it would likely require him to redistribute his remaining mass to keep his shape, so if he lost an arm, he'd have to sacrifice some height to restore the arm.

This is only a temporary solution, because even though this method allows him to retain his shape, his missing mass still should be restored, particularly because if it's not, then the arm will still be missing in protomorph, which is activated by instinct.

A lehkomorph, or simple formshift, is a shift into a form that isn't too different from the protomorph, such as Narancia's human-passing form(s). A vazkomorph, or complex formshift, is a shift into a form that's significantly different from the protomorph, such as most theriomorphs and animal forms. Impersonation transformations (simulaforms) are either-or depending on the case; transforming into a small child would be considered a complex formshift due to a difference in general structure.

It's hard for Narancia to maintain both a complex formshift and Aerosmith at the same time. When he retains an animal form, it can be a challenge to summon, control, or use his Stand ability. Whether this is a focus issue, a hypothetically common trait for polymorph Stand Users, or something else, it's hard to say.

Transforming into something too big generally leaves him very sore when he changes back, and he can be quite whiny about it, but, as you'll learn in a bit, the whining... may or may not kinda be warranted. Overuse of shifting capabilities is also known to commonly cause soreness and sometimes dislocations or deformations as the body forgets how to put itself back together properly. Shapeshift responsibly.

To properly redistribute his size, when taking a much smaller form, sometimes 'mass-carriers' need to be formed to store the extra mass less conspicuously; if he were to take a child form, he might have to form with longer hair or a "backpack".

Larger forms usually require the opposite - as gross as it is, a form that is significantly larger usually requires internal mass to be redistributed, meaning that he would probably externalise and/or compress his own organs, which is generally incredibly painful and often very unhealthy; this should only be performed in dire circumstances, and even then, should generally be avoided, because it can be life-threatening.

There is some leniency; Narancia taking the form of an inconspicuous kitten but transforming into a properly-sized humanoid form breaks this restriction, and there are other exceptions, though he generally tries to keep his mass consistent. Taking a smaller form with no mass-carriers usually results from mass-shedding, which can be done voluntarily but is unpleasant. Mass restoration is the harder step of the process, but usually is aided by eating. This is likely the reason that Narancia was able to regain his humanoid form once he’d eaten.

The current only known case study of one of the most horrifying shapeshifter afflictions: form decay! (Bi: Thanks a lot, Prosciutto. Really glad I had to be a part of that)

Though able to regenerate physical damage well, things such as illness, immune issues, and infection are a different matter, as they are things he is unable to control, and they can be very severe for him. He was susceptible, and it culminated in the eye infection.

Though he is a polymorph with no technically set form, his protomorph is very distinctive and suggests something more species-specific. In particular, most of his features appear feline in some capacity, his face especially, not to mention his mannerisms and body language, which are quite catlike.

There may be some implication that the frequent morphing contributes to jaw pain or discomfort that Narancia seems to alleviate by chewing, biting, or eating things he is really not supposed to have in his mouth—like he's teething.

Details about Narancia:

Has a bad habit of slinking around in the dead of night, going into other people's rooms and then promptly fleeing upon waking them up. Cryptid behaviour.

Smug, somewhat childish, and thinks he's SO cool with his shapeshifting. Look, just... let him have this

Likes to just slightly change his appearance to mess with people and see how long it takes them to notice as a prank. Usually, he does this with Mista because he knows he can get away with it. Fugo fell for it at first but when he caught on he started to get mad about it. Just because it's annoying and distracting.

He also used to impersonate Fugo just to mess with him, but it freaked Fugo out, so he stopped doing it because it stopped being as funny when Fugo was scared rather than angry. Narancia never figured out why it scared him so much. Fugo gets twice as freaked out about it post-Pompeii arc. For some reason.

Impersonating Fugo around the others worked at first, but they could usually figure out if it was Fugo or Narancia by speech patterns and body language. Even when he tries to speak like Fugo, Narancia's tone gives him away.

But also, to save time, if they look at the face, they can tell practically right away if it's Fugo or Narancia. Narancia has some form of prosopagnosia—face blindness—so he can never mimic the face quite right (short of copying someone's face while he's staring at it), and something always looks noticeably wrong. He generally distinguishes people by their hair, scent, and voice. He's not completely unable to distinguish the way someone's features look, so he can replicate them if he's looking at them, but as soon as he's not looking, he is unable to recall what someone looks like or recognise someone's face. He doesn't recognise Bruno with his hair down and sometimes struggles to recognise Mista without his hat on.

Absolutely touchstarved (e.g. desires cuddling and petting) but he's a bit awkward about it, especially when it comes to physical affection with other men (very 'no homo' vibes), although he is sort of willing to display physical affection with Mista more openly because it's a 'bro thing' (it is not a bro thing). To remedy this oxymoronic situation, Narancia usually assumes his cat theriomorph when seeking affection, in which he feels less weird about receiving affection and the others feel less weird about petting him.

Regarding the street kids Narancia used to run with before he got arrested, it's a fair assumption to make that they knew Narancia wasn't human and (whether themselves a pack of juvenile werewolves or just a group of humans) hung out with him like he was a more-or-less normal person, and that's why he wanted to run with them. They let him feel like he fit in, which is something he'd struggled with his entire life due to a lack of exposure to any of his own kind, leading him to be unsure if he could ever belong anywhere.

Because he could be anything and transform himself in any way, he wasn't sure that any identity he gave himself was really his or if he was just conforming to what other people wanted. He didn't know how to be "himself", but running with the street kids at least gave him something, a name for himself, a place to belong, maybe a role to fill that wasn't just 'whatever they need at the moment' (though he certainly did a lot of that). But "Bro" was mostly just using him because his shapeshifting abilities were really useful and really convenient for framing him.

Fugo happened upon a sickly, injured kitten on his way to Libeccio's one day. He picked the kitten up despite better judgement, having sympathy for the tiny creature, and, despite the biting and scratching that his poor arms sustained, brought the kitten to Buccellati. They gave the kitten a little bit of food, and when they left it alone in a room for five minutes while they tried to figure out what to do about it, they came back in to find a scruffy boy halfway fallen off a chair, and no kitten to be seen. The rest of Narancia's backstory proceeds as normal, except that Fugo goes fucking ballistic at him because he, a creature with complex cognitive function, fucking bit him!!! Voluntarily!!! That's so fucked up!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!

Giorno stole his gender and that's why he's canon lesbian of the day

Likes... being pet on the head... but will punch you in the jaw if you try. Unless he wants you to do it. he's very fickle...

Has a nasty case of undiagnosed ADHD and/or something else, probably made slightly worse by the fact he's inhuman and thus already has some pretty odd tendencies. Struggles to sit still, hyperfixates yet struggles to focus (particularly in an academic environment), has some sensory issues and has a severe need to be stimming in 90% of his waking moments. His favourite style of stimming seems to be spinning things, including pocket knives, pens, and Aerosmith's propellers. The way he spins pens shows a very very impressive dexterity.

Seems to always have about 12 pocket knives on his person at any one given time. You take one knife away from him and he pulls another out of his fucking shoe and shanks you in the gut. Allegedly has 3 knives under his pillow, as he warned Limbo.

Incredibly expressive. His lack of a definite form allows his body (especially his ears, in his protomorph) to reflect his expression or mood to a much greater extent than a human's could. In the case of his ears, it's very much like cat body language.

The ORIGINAL catboy. Step aside, True Catboy Ghiaccio and Semantic Catboy Tiziano! I don't care that hes not a cat!!! shut the fuck up!!!!!

he does hiss at people

[tweedfrog]

I think an interesting point to note regarding Joanna and Tywin's relationship with their childten is their ability to distance themselves from their children's failures and how different it is for Joanna and Tywin because of their genders.

Like if you look at HOTD show canon you see Lyonel Strong blaming sorcery for Larys' club foot and Tywin specifically blames a Tyrion's dwarfism for killing his mother. Tywin never addresses the twincest but it's not outside of the realm of possibility to think he'd blame cersei and shove the entirety of the blame onto her in an attempt to save at least Jaime and have a perfect heir for the Lannisters. Theoretically (altho we know he won't do this because he thinks Lannisters are simply above everyone else) he could marry again and sire an entirely new set of children if his first bunch didn't turn out well enough.

However if Joanna had lived I think its crucial to realize she absolutely wouldn't have been able to do this. As a woman she would have been blamed for any troublesome behaviour in Cersei and Jaime and would DEFINITLEY have been blamed for Tyrion's dwarfism. She cant externalise her childrens failures and just blame witchcraft. Joanna and the children's fates and their status would be much more closely tied together than Tywin's and his children.

So i don't think we'd simply see the same forms of parental abuse Tywin metted out to his children. It would be a whole other kind of thing and I think would really change the dynamics and personalities of Cersei Jaime and Tyrion

[teeny-tiny-revenge]

Having feelings today about the symbolism for Ed's pirate upbringing under Hornigold that we can see in the gravy basket dream. Like. Ed does not go to Hornigold. He gets dragged from the beach while unconscious and helpless. The helplessness continues after Ed wakes up. He's too weak and injured to sit up. Then Hornigold forcefeeds him soup, something he claims is for Ed's own good, but that Ed is terrified of and convinced is poison.

The more the dream goes on the more Hornigold becomes just Ed's externalised self-loathing, until he kills him, but the beginning feels a lot like this is what Ed's experience of coming under Hornigold's "care" as a young man or boy was like.

Ed probably left home after he killed his dad. That event is not only his biggest trauma, but also comes framed as a definite end of childhood (and childhood innocence) moment. This is the event where Ed started on the path to piracy. Up until then, he'd cowered and hidden from the violence done to him and his mother, and then he started fighting back. This is where he learned to use violence as a tool, for survival first.

The Ed who joined Hornigold's crew can't have been far removed yet from that desperate kid. Did he choose piracy as a career? Or was it, as Olu says in the first season, that he didn't have any other options? Was he dragged into it, by the neck, not even struggling because he didn't have the strength to? He'd just been washed up on the shore after a deeply traumatic event he didn't see an alternative to doing (killing his father, and then killing himself). And then there's Hornigold waiting for him, dragging him by the scruff of his neck into a life that isn't actually that much of a life at all and the only escape from it seems to be death.

[freeuselandonorris]

omg please director’s commentary on oscar’s thoughts/feelings/vibes/happy valley rewatch for is it cold in the water? please? 🙏

EXCELLENT QUESTION omg. is it cold in the water? is my fetid little kidnap kink fic and probably the most 'personal' kink fic i've ever written but i don't often think about CNC from the other side!

okay, under the cut for length and also cw for discussion of CNC and kidnap kink.

so i think the only way oscar would be able to easily conceptualise being the 'aggressor' in a CNC scene is to essentially create a sort of character for himself, not in the sense that he's acting exactly (i think he'd be far too self-conscious to do any sort of dramatic roleplay) but more that he'd sort of have to externalise it and figure out the motivations and behaviours of this other, fictional Bad Oscar because he wouldn't quite be able to picture himself doing it.

i think i've mentioned before that i imagine lando figures out what kinks he wants to try out by going absolutely kamikaze in the pornhub tags, whereas oscar reads the wikipedia page list of paraphilias in his spare time. he likes to research!

but with CNC, because he kind of feels like he needs that external character self, just reading about it isn't really helping him. and maybe lando mentioned something vague like "yeah it's hot in films and that innit, getting tied to a chair and your mouth taped up and that" and that triggers oscar to think about the kidnap scene in the first episode of happy valley.

(side note: the happy valley thing is maybe the most egregious bit of personal fanservice i've ever put into one of my own fics because the kidnap and torture/threat scenes at the beginning of the first series make me FERAL. so glad other people enjoyed it lmao)

anyway so oscar would basically have watched those episodes back and studied up, both to get ideas of what he could do and how he could translate that into safer stuff to do to lando (hence the pillowcase over the head instead of just duct taping his actual skin/hair) but also to get ideas of how tommy lee royce acts and why it's threatening but also kind of attractive. which is why the persona he adopts is very cold and cruel and almost mocking (that bit in HV where TLR asks "are you a virgin?" in that sly way was VERY influential on oscar's dialogue).

i think when it's actually happening in the moment, he surprises himself with how much he gets into it, in a similar way to how lando is shocked by how difficult it is to remember that the threat isn't real. he's always in control of himself and there's a bit of him that's constantly watching lando to make sure he's safe and isn't getting genuinely hurt, but he likes seeing lando so helpless and scared, and it means that by the end of it he's acting more on instinct (i don't think coming on the pillowcase across his face would have been planned in advance, for instance). that's partly why he gets a bit of top drop himself afterwards, because he'd sort of imagined that he'd have more emotional distance from it all than he has in reality.

final tidbit: the most stressful part of the entire thing for him is stealing the zipties from the garage. it's done on the spur of the moment, but he's petrified someone's going to see him and ask what he's doing because he can't think of any plausible excuse why he might need a handful of big zip ties and also they're really hard to hide about his person and he's sure everyone can see them tucked inside his hoodie.

FANX i love thinking about this 'verse so very much. need to go and rewatch the first two episodes of happy valley now for personal reasons.

[devourerofdoves]

B,M,Z for all bc I think it's fun to think abt :3c

B - Breakup: How would they react if their darling tried to break up with them?

None of them would be particularly receptive of a breakup attempt. Not that it would ever happen, but, none of them would accept it.

The Narrator would try to guilt me into staying, appeal to what little emotional side I have. I can't just leave him there. He'll be alone. Last time he was alone for extended periods, he didn't take it well. At all. Sure, he's got Stanley, but... It's not the same. He needs me. I can't leave him.

AM would find it equal parts funny and infuriating that I even thought about it. He'd get MEAN about it, too. I'm his property, his pet, his plaything. I can never leave, I can never shut him out of my head, I can never get rid of him, I can never even die. It'd be pointless to try. He should torture me just for the implication that I could. Maybe he will. Maybe he's already started to. Something to really put me in my place, and keep me there.

Bill would probably laugh at me. He'd be wholly unimpressed with it, he'd be angry, but he would externalise it simply as finding me funny for it! I can hypothetically leave, but why would I ever want to? What use would that be? Why leave, when I can stay here, with him. He can make me happy, give me anything and everything I'd ever want. All I need to do is stay with him. He can make me special. He can make me feel seen. He understands me, in a way no-one else does. Why leave? Why ruin that?

M - Mold: how would they mold their darling to falling in love with them?

They really wouldn't have to. I'd be the one to fall first, and, my God, do I fall far.

Z - Zzz: What sleeping arrangements would they have for their darling?

The Narrator has me sleep in his room! It's nice, comfortable, spacious but not so much so that it feels empty. Just right. <3

AM would give me something simple, at best. Nothing extravagant, nothing too nice; I'm a human, after all. I don't deserve it. He gives me what's needed, to placate me, keep me malleable and submissive. He can, and will, take things away if he feels I've stepped out of line.

Bill would spoil me. Give me a large room with as many decorations that I could possibly make and fit in there. A big bed, comfortable and plush, with nice thick sheets and pillows that never grow too warm. Though, with a snap of his fingers, he can make it disappear if he so pleases. Behave, and I'll be able to keep the nice things he gives me. Most of the time. Sometimes it's just a little funny to take things from me. Depends on his mood, really.

[blackvahana]

Was in Ananyavarda changing some things, namely the energy of my house... feeling a physiological need for a temple of sorts in the way the divination complex hungers for divination tools, blah blah

Needed to come back to the physical plane because it's so much quieter here. I am. haunted. I would say I need to sit down and have a conversation with Zeus because clearly he's letting thoughts escape into the expanse of the sky that is our shared mental connection but. I cannot. namely because we have a connection now that is supposed to be unspoken and is unspoken and if I drag it up I'm breaking that. plus. lmfao. We'll say I know what he'd say to me

Which loops me back around to Astral things. I'm getting Lev to make me food, more so I'm eating it now thank god for Lev loving cooking and being around this evening, I think the timing was. divine. lmfao.

I get what Lev meant about no major biological changes when you become a god, genuinely, yeah. I even got him to clarify it himself when I was reuploading that "what makes a god" essay to WordPress. However.... Even if my race and DNA aren't changing... God I'm so fucking hungry tonight (un)relatedly

None of this is stuff I need to blog about. All of this is absolutely words to drown out that connection to Zeus. Usually I'm fucking annoyed at him when he does this because usually he talks over my train of thought and... like if Jupiter was left wandering the solar system, his gravitational impact is going to be immense in swaying what he passes by whether he wants it to or not, but ever since we bonded in such a way that it's... whatever it is, sky spirit business redacted, it's now... well. He works for me through that connection now, and my god, he sure is.

Encompassing the self.... I keep externalising myself and meeting a self that talks and utters divinatory shit and. it's me, but I've been externalising the part as I said. It's a self that Knows and Is. Allllll Zeus has to say on the nature of the sky...

I'm not even getting messages from him. He stuck to his word, huh, this is just his memories not visions but relevant to my existence, in the same way my own would pop up. This is his knowledge, whatever

[azalawa-scroggs]

Hot take: Edgeworth Sr. and Von Karma Sr. have a pretty decent relationship in death. I think over the 15-16ish years of the former being dead, Gregory would have made peace with a lot of things in his life- including how Manfred was dismissive of him during 2001 (Though some things involving Miles after his death are very much Not Forgivable.) And despite his whole ‘I built you up just to tear you down’ thing in 1-4 I believe maybe even just a tiny bit of Manfred would regret his actions. So I picture them not as friends- but they can co-exist in a room without glaring at each other as long as a Point Of Conflict isn’t brought up. In the case it does, I think they’d just start a court-worthy debate.

(Also hi your ao3 fics make me squirm /pos)

Ooooohhh that's a GOOD one. I had to think a hot minute on that one it's a really interesting one! Although I gotta say -

Strongly agree | Agree | Neutral | Disagree | Strongly disagree

I mean, I agree that they could, in the best of worlds, get to a point where they can coexist in a room without glaring. I however wouldn't qualify it as a "pretty decent relationship."

I actually think Gregory wouldn't especially hold a grudge against Manfred for his actions in IS-7. I think at some point over the year that it lasted he must have started thinking he's a corrupted ass but it seems to me from AAI-2 he was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and no matter his poor opinion of the man, he didn't let it cloud his judgement. Over time I can see him becoming more bitter and heated about it, but I don't know how personally he took it. I think his distaste for von Karma's corrupted actions in that case would only cause him to ignore him, glare at him and avoid talking to him, nothing more.

However. After the whole 1-4 shitshow. I think he must have punched him in the face.

Like, not only did von Karma murder him, take him away from his clients and most importantly from his son, but he also let Miles believe he himself was the culprit for a decade and a half (never mind that Gregory either believed that too or thought it was Yogi), and even worse, he actively framed him for two murders. Von Karma deliberately tried to send Miles to life in prison (or even potentially the gallows, although apparently in Japan that's only considered if you kill more than one person?), he fought with all he had in order to ruin Miles's life. He caused his little boy so much suffering! And that's already insane on its own, but he did that after raising him and teaching him for 15 years. That'd be horrifying for Gregory. How could he raise such a sweet little boy for so long, see him do everything to please him and earn his approval, guide him into becoming the man that he is, and still betray him so thoroughly? That'd be unthinkable to him. I think that would be the tipping point. Quite honestly I'm not sure they could come back from that.

I do agree with you that Manfred... I won't say that he'd feel guilt, because I think his idea of perfection precludes any feeling of guilt and so he must have had a thousand conscious and unconscious mental mechanisms in place to deny and/or externalise any such thing. But I think by the time his crimes have come to light, he must have realised how insane and pointless the whole thing was. I'm not rewriting Ananke here which is my Manfred von Karma Theory lmao, but to summarise, I don't think he hated Miles himself so much as everything he represented: Gregory's son, a witness to and reminder of Manfred's crime, Manfred's own mirror image at some point too. I don't find it too much of a stretch for him to have gained some clarity on all of this after his conviction. Although not so much as for him to feel guilt... perhaps some regret. As a treat. (I actually think he wouldn't even get that far. He would blame his own actions on fate. He's terrible at taking blame.)

I think it would take an enormous amount of goodwill on Gregory's part, not only to get past those things, but also to accept the way Miles was raised. It's actually difficult for me to really form an opinion on what his exact thoughts on it would be. It's AAI2 canon that he wouldn't have agreed with it - he outright thinks he "wouldn't want Miles to be taught by such a man." From what little we know of it, the family life at the von Karmas' seems stiff and formal, with no place for imperfection. Manfred isn't an affectionate man and genuine emotion seems equated with weakness. Miles seems to have been raised equal to Franziska, relatively fairly except for sudden and unpredictable bursts of verbal aggression, if AAI-4 is any indication to their dynamic (although it is unclear how common that was; it only happens once in the entire case). But he was provided for, he was given a stable home, a good education, and opportunities to reach his ambitions. He found a guardian in Manfred and a sister in Franziska. Even now, and even though that is in spite of Manfred rather than because of him, Miles is thriving at the job that he learned thanks to Manfred, rides the professional connections that Manfred opened the door for him to get. Most importantly, after everything Miles still recognises Manfred as his mentor and talks about him with respect. So it would depend where Gregory draws the line; if he would resent Miles growing up without the warmth and kindness he wanted him to have, the warmth and kindness Miles deserved and needed to become a fully accomplished happy adult and which Manfred prevented Gregory from giving him, or if, despite Manfred's crimes, he would give him the credit of allowing Miles to arrive where he is in his life at that moment, of taking him in when he didn't have to and giving him a better life than he likely would have had he ended up in the system.

The two of them would probably at least have to agree that Miles is an intelligent and a good person, and be glad to see him evolve and find his path in the world (regardless of whether Manfred would admit that lol). They would see him come to terms with his trauma and come to his conclusions regarding his morality and... maybe, just maybe, in the most charitable interpretation of both their characters, they could come to a truce by indulging in pride in Miles's achievements. To be entirely honest, that's the only common ground I can ever see them getting to - and it would require immense character growth on Manfred's end (to be able to actually take pride in Miles and admit it) and immense leniency on Gregory's.

(Hi! Thank you so much for your kind words <3)

[flockrest]

Hi! I am currently enjoying reading everything, just overall the homey vibe this blog has. I was a bit curious to learn- from your POV Do you think Tulin would grow to resent Revali- for his attitude towards Link? or would have another approach towards it- where it would benefit them all? Sorry was curious and well, I don't got many friends currently as focused and captured by the Rito's motifs in BoTW/ToTK

hello, hello! thank you so much for your lovely words, it makes me super happy to know that my blog is appreciated to this extent!! i hope you'll continue to enjoy your stay while you're here ♡ and no need to apologise! seriously, i'm always up for receiving asks like this; please feel free to drop by my inbox whenever you'd like :) as with tulin brainrot, you've come to the right place for some rito brainrot adfjsgkl

i don't think tulin would be able to resent revali, as they both are in canon, if he even tried! he's been such a huge part of his life for as long as he can remember — it's hard to untangle all the positive feelings and thoughts rooted down to your core and built up over all those years about someone like that. and when the pressure of aspiring to be like someone so revered has never felt like actual spiral-inducing pressure ( fr i could go on and on about his confidence and all the people who've nurtured it to that point 😭 ) but more like encouragement or intense faith, it gets impossibly harder to do so!

also i'm assuming you're asking this in an aoc context ( but will touch on the Potential of this concept, give me a sec slfdjkf ) given that tulin would have like. no knowledge of revali's feelings towards link and the way those were externalised unless he was explicitly told about them otherwise and honestly? the situation would confuse him more than anything, just because he's so young, in that child who doesn't understand that people can like him without liking each other way asflkfkj "the coolest people i know don't like each other which is so weird 'cause i like them and i'm pretty sure they like me WHY DON'T THEY LIKE EACH OTHER???" cue shenanigans from a kid who just wants all his Older People to get along and will forcibly have them bond if need be

that being said, please know that i'm only jesting and not being genuinely reductive with the whole "[revali and link] don't like each other" statement! it's how a very young tulin would interpret their interactions, but we all know there's something much deeper to how revali treats link sdlkdjf ( WE KNOW THIS, YES?? )

in circumstances where tulin would actually be able to grow up witnessing or knowing about this in full ( like, say, an au where revali survives or something ), i do think it could potentially lead to him developing a greater understanding of who revali is, by way of him...well, yeah, once again, meddling and attempting to "patch things over" and just generally being an annoyance with how much he'd be pestering revali with questions like "but WHY?" ( with no intention of inducing any real introspection, though possibly doing so anyway because he's a kid who really likes accidentally asking the hard-hitting questions slfkdj ) though lbr, the antagonism between revali -> link would be of a much different flavour than any shown pre-calamity at that point...but that's a post for another time!

ultimately, i can see the hero worship mellowing out naturally as he gets older, especially as he grows into his own role as a sage. the closest to any sort of real negative feeling he'd reach about revali in the process might be grief ( the kind you'd feel when you outgrow someone who was older than you but no longer is ), or an inability to understand his uhh. recorded eccentricities sklfjdfl but master revali is someone very important to him, and someone who will remain very important to him! he's not going to let that opinion be soured if he can help it :)

[iobartach]

be honest . . . you do not feel the same way you used to.

send me “be honest…” with a question your muse has been dying to ask mine and they’ll answer truthfully.

He had known it for some time, a truth that burned worse than any corrosive acid he'd handled in a laboratory. Yet, knowing something was amiss had been only half the battle; the real trouble laid in pinpointing when exactly the change in feeling had occurred. Had it stemmed from the first incident? When, in a desperate gamble to spare himself from addiction, he'd used his own research to save his wretched life? A decision ladened with consequences so extreme that he was still grappling with them to this day. Or had it occurred when he witnessed reality come apart? An entire world lost, due to mistakes he had selfishly caused. The sole fault of errors in judgement that had been made by the heart instead of the head. Were he to stop and put his mind to it, the statement made hit upon a valid point. He had not felt like himself in a considerable while, perhaps even long before his DNA had been scrambled. It's a thought that cultivates... fresh concerns, almost like treasure discovered without the aid of a pirate's map. The only problem was, instead of being filled with a sense of pride and accomplishment, he had struck upon thoughts so nebulous in their breadth and depth that it had him second-guessing himself, urging him to review every decision ever made. Worst of all, it introduced that most loathsome variable of doubt into an equation he thought he had already solved, unearthing ground he'd wish had remained in place. "I'm not the man I once was." Alchemax's golden boy. The hero that had once stood for something greater than himself. Relics of a past life, since gone to ruin in the face of tragedy so easily avoidable had he just listened. Had he just allowed others in, lent their voices to the cacophony of sounds clattering around inside his skull. In lieu of this, he had externalised his needs, inverted and twisted them into an recognisable shape. Instead of listening, he commanded. Instead of letting others get close to him, he repelled. Instead of having heart, he grew a heart of stone, became callous. And told himself it was just, that it had to be done. That only he could be the one to do it. "And... I have made my peace with it."

[some-eldritch-bats]

One of the settings I have made that I like to write in has implied in-universe that gendered magic, such as it exists, it purely a case of externalised and internalised gender normativity.

While it's never explicitly stated to be so in-universe (because the laws of magic are still opaque to the in-universe academics who study it), it's heavily implied by their current models of magical theory that gender isn't relevant. What's relevant is how much effort you put into learning it... and girls and boys are expected to learn very different things.

In-universe, girls are typically better at illusions and deceptions. This stems, entirely, from a cultural belief that girls and women (and especially unmarried adult women) are manipulative, and this "leaks into" their magic. It is, of course, completely unfounded; but it plays a relevant part in how characters view themselves and others. "You girls are all the same, you're all liars, that's why you can do the liar magic" isn't even an unusual sentiment. There's this belief that "girls are good at deception magic" is conclusive proof that girls are manipulative, when the truth is that girls wouldn't be better at it if they weren't forced to learn it to conform to negative stereotypes.

Even when a stereotype is negative, people are pressured into conforming to it.

"Girls can't do maths" and the related "boys are naturally good at maths" are such common refrains in our society that WE MANIPULATE OUR CHILDREN UNTIL THE PROPHECY SELF-FULFILLS. It's awful.

So, yeah. Trans women and men would probably both be really good at deception magic in this setting, because of a combination of social pressure and their own internal belief that they are - by being trans - lying to people. And it doesn't have to be that way.

---

It turns out that gendered magic systems can be a really good way to explore WHY our society thinks the way that it does about the things that comprise it <3

Actually, with that in mind, I find it fascinating that Terry Pratchett - who famously HAD a strongly gendered magic system - evolved his own opinions on it over time. It became something that was used, in part, to explore how traditionalist, conservative, gender-traditional people were holding up a system that wasn't necessarily right... but that it was also so ingrained into society that they never QUITE managed to break it. Equal Rites was initially retconned out because it made future stories too complicated, but then subsequently it was re-retconned BACK IN because his opinions on how important it was to talk about changed.

I wish he'd had more time. I don't think there are many authors out there who could have deserved more time than him.

I’m far less interested in fiction where it’s like “This power/ability/prophecy is gender specific but trans inclusive” and for more interested in fiction that just… doesn’t do that

[saintsenara]

dron 👀

seems you ship it, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on how it'd play out

yes, i do ship dron, as i do all narrative mirrors.

both ron and draco are interesting because they're fundamentally defined by two things: their relationship with harry, and their sense of position within their families.

ron would love to be a pampered only child. draco would love to have his hand shaken by harry. the circuitous route they would both take to realise these things has the potential for beautiful mess, given that they're both also prone to jealousy, overreacting, and externalising their self-loathing onto other people.

harry thinks he'd never accept it, but then gets over it when he realises draco has cannons season tickets. hermione thinks she'd never accept it and is right. arthur and lucius never mention their awkward snog in sixth year.

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Frayed Ties - Chapter 8 - Part 1

*Warning: Adult Content*  

By the start of Danya's third day at the camp he felt much less exhausted and his wounds were starting to truly heal.

In a few more days there would likely be no sign left he had ever been hurt.

He had already read through his book once and though he was itching to read it all again from the beginning he couldn't bring himself to touch it until he had done something productive.

Maybe Simon didn't care but the idea of being a useless layabout was abhorrent to Danya.

Even if he couldn't truly earn his keep, he would do what he was able to.

And what he was able to do was repair Simon's armour.

He took the pieces out of the chest and carefully laid them out in front of him and then he got stuck into it.

There was a sort of calming rhythm to repairing things.

It wasn't difficult or particularly demanding.

Danya could do this kind of work for hours without problem.

Fanner had hated it.

He hadn't been bad at it but having to sustain his focus had been a constant struggle for him.

Simon should have been gifted him instead.

For all he lacked, Fanner at least had the beauty and charms to stand a chance of making something of this situation.

Perhaps he even could have convinced Simon that he didn't look so unlike a girl from behind.

Duran was already spoken for but Danya bet he could have made the situation work for himself as well.

He had more sense than sentimentality.

He would have already given up on Simon and found his way into Hamish's bed.

Danya ought to be doing the same, if he had any sense.

He wasn't nearly as beautiful as Duran but Hamish didn't seem terribly fussy.

But... he couldn't let go of Simon.

He wanted more than sex, more than Hamish could offer him... but more than Simon could, either.

He knew he would not win this one.

It was afternoon by the time Danya finally felt he had made enough progress on his task to justify going back to his book.

He wasn't quite as well balanced as he had been going into the task but it had drained him very little.

The book Slone had given Danya had already become his new favourite, which perhaps wasn't much of an achievement.

They had not been permitted pre-war books at the House, nor much in the way of fiction.

This was the first book Danya had ever read where the hero was a mage.

It was... odd.

It was almost uncomfortable, in a way because this was not how Danya had been taught things were before the war.

And, certainly, it was fiction but surely it didn't entirely lack grounding in reality.

Had mages really not always been slaves?

Had they once been equal to humans or at least expected to be treated that way, despite tensions between their kinds?

That was how the book made it seem.

Perhaps Slone would know.

Danya would ask him the next time they spoke.

There had been something that had piqued Danya's curiosity on his first read through but he'd been too tired to really think about it.

When the main character was training his young apprentice in shielding, the book went into an awful lot of detail on the methods.

Was that really how that was done...?

Danya read through the passage again.

He knew he shouldn't try it.

He was still recovering and it was illegal and Simon surely wouldn't approve if he knew.

But... what if he needed it one day?

Maybe if he'd been able to shield, a vampire wouldn't have nearly torn his throat out.

There was no harm in trying, right?

Just... to see if he could.

Nobody would know and it would be fine.

The first step to creating a shield was to externalise his magic, which Danya thought he was used to doing until he tried it and fire burst out in front of him, narrowly avoiding setting the side of the tent on fire.

So... not like that.

He could make fire or he could make light or he could externally apply his magic to something like repair work... but externalising pure magic?

That was new.

It was also extremely uncomfortable.

Energy was naturally drawn into a mage when it was close to them, so pulling it out of himself and holding it at a distance felt wrong.

Like he was trying to turn himself inside out.

Every time he managed to make progress, his energy would escape his grasp and suck back into him.

He tried painting it with a glowing light, as the book suggested and that helped a little bit.

It was easier to perceive it as an external object that way and easier to manipulate it when he didn't have to hold the visual aspects of it entirely in his mind.

He broke the energy up into threads and practised moving them in front of him.

At first they moved around without much grace, like cooked spaghetti but with a little focus he managed to bend them into geometric shapes and then arrange them into patterns.

Interlocking hexagons was what the book recommended for a shield.

The hardest part of the whole thing was fighting the reflex to pull his energy back into himself but once that stopped feeling quite so unnatural the whole thing wasn't so hard at all.

He practised dropping his shield and pulling it back up quickly.

It still made his head spin and his stomach churn but he could do it.

He held the curved, hexagonal grid out in front of him and let himself fall forward against Simon's armour chest.

The chest slid against the ground.

The shield held strong.

He could do this.

Danya collapsed down on his cot, his head spinning and let out a long breath.

Maybe nobody else would ever know but he had done it.

The power of his ancestors was alive in him.

Danya tried to push himself up and immediately dropped back down as the whole world swung to the side.

Panic set in in a strange, throbbing way, too intense one minute and then fading to detached apathy the next.

He was out of balance.

He had been, increasingly, as he recovered but the sudden drain on his energy had knocked him completely out of alignment.

He felt sick and starving and desperate and absolutely nothing at all and everything at once and then... and then some uncertain time later, Simon was back.

[positivelybeastly]

In a way, it could only have been Josh who came to see him today.

Even as Beast stared at his notes, carefully excising pieces of information and leaving inference in their place, he thought back to a very different mutant island - another utopia, one that he had left by choice because of transgression after transgression, immoral excess after immoral excess. One too many bloody pieces of clothing in the laundry. He had left, in part, because of Josh. Because of Laura. Because of all the hideous things that Cyclops had seen fit to send a good many of Beast's friends and students off to do.

And maybe that had been the start of it all. When he had left, and no-one had come with him, because if it gets us through, Beast, then is it really all that bad? It had kept him awake at night, that thought. The idea that they were all just fine with it. That so long as it gets them through, it was an acceptable course of action.

Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if morality matters.

The silence is your answer.

And ever since, it had gnawed away in the back of his brain, that niggling thought, that earnest little worm squirming through his grey matter. How far is too far? Like water torture, he had been presented with situation after situation where idealism and optimism wouldn't get them through, and he'd hardened his heart, every retreat to a moral option finding him less and less popular, less and less loved, more and more alone, more and more sure he'd done everything wrong. The old him was worse than passe, he was an active detriment to the cause. Change, or leave.

And so, he had chosen to change.

He made a show of being a changed man, too, once he'd made that choice. Acted it. Performed it. Externalised it, internalised it, forced it to be the way he was now, pretend it was always the way he had been. It didn't sit on him correctly, and he had made - mistakes. Blunders. But he was getting better at it, slowly. And though he was as unpopular as ever, he was getting results. He was getting them through.

That thought was all that kept him going these days.

And he wasn't about to let anyone take it away from him.

No matter what title of respect they still called him by.

His eyes flick to the request, and he brings a large blue hand down to smooth it out, his lack of regard for Josh's show of anger and disappointment made clear in the slow, methodical way he brushed away the curls at the edge of the paper.

Professor. He'd coveted that title for so long. Wanted it, badly. Waited years for a chance to teach, and he'd enjoyed it so much when it had finally arrived. He liked to think he'd been good at it.

But what was the point in teaching if all your students ended up dead?

"You're not a child anymore, Elixir. I would have expected your life experiences up until this point to have made it clear to you, of all people, why this request is necessary."

He tapped at the crumpled paper with the edge of his tablet assertively.

"I did not make this request lightly. Every request is made only after weighing up all available and viable options, and deeming it to be the correct course of action. In the grand scheme of things, this is the moral thing to do."

He adjusts his glasses, more than aware that what he's saying is a load of garbage. There's nothing moral about what he does. But it is necessary. It has to be necessary. Because if it isn't . . . then he's gone too far for nothing.

Your worst sin is that you've destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.

Dostoyevsky sits heavily in his brain, like a dollop of oil on water, and he stares at the X-Force briefing table for a moment, before breathing in deeply and giving Elixir an expectant look.

"Does that answer satisfy you? Or must I sit you down and impart my wisdom one more time? Will that make you happy?"

He knows the answer. But he has to try, anyway. Every moment he spends with Josh, his centre aches like a bulbous, infected wound, and anything he can do to simply make this all just - go away, he'll do.

In truth, he expected this eventually. Someone would go too far, grab for too much control, and ethics would go out the window.

Being who he was, what he was, he was privvy to what work went into keeping mutants safe. Josh was no longer the wide-eyed, innocent sixteen year old still safe in believing that Xavier's dream was anything but. What innocent he had left after Wolverine held out an X-Force uniform and told him to wear it was lost when he'd clawed his way out of his own grave, abandoned and grieving for peace he'd never known.

But Krakoa was supposed to be different. After walking the path of villainy, after failing to fade into obscurity, he wanted all he ever did - to live in peace. To hold fast to the hard-won balance his pwoers demanded. The conditions for his cooperation were clear - he was a healer, really and truly only a healer, and his friends long dead classmates were to be prioritized in the resurrection queue. And, most of all, he would not be forced to join any teams. He would always have autonomy. As long as his wishes were respected, he would lend Krakoa whatever it needed.

And they had been.

Bit by bit, the old Josh had returned.

The one who laughed and joked, who freely gave himself to anyone who needed a shoulder or a friend. The Five all felt like... pieces he'd never known he was missing. Limbs from the same body, separated at birth. It had almost explained the immediate kinship he'd felt with Hope all those years ago, the way he had looked at her and known what she was. Bit by bit, the dark spots he hid under his uniform retreated. Leaving only gold, pure and true, leaving him whole and able to sleep through the night.

And then Beast's resurrection requests had started.

This isn't new to him. Using his powers to bastardize another mutant's bodily autonomy, bending them to their will. The unspoken betrayal of all they stood for written upon the page. It was supposed to be different.

The name signed to this should be different. Wolverine, or Cyclops, or Xavier, or someone he knows who sullies their hands for the greater good and pretends like it won't shake the very foundation this nation is built on if it got out. He'd stared at it for what felt like an eternity, only pulled from his reverie when Kevin had waved their appeal on his face and told him to sign.

It was, unsurprisingly, rejected. And though they were Gods of this land, they were figureheads. Ultimately powerless to say no.

Again.

It's a few months of this before it reaches a boiling point. The first argument they have about it is the sign that this can't go on. He had agreed to bring it to Beast - still called Professor McCoy even though it had been years since he'd sat in his class, surprised to find his failing grades were met with support and encouragement rather than shame - and in that moment he'd been so angry he was sure he'd make the man bald.

( would've had it been logan, or scott, or emma, or magneto, or anyone he'd clashed with in the years since xavier's. he felt like their equal now, another adult, ready to push and be pushed in turn. )

But now he's only able to stare at his former teacher, feeling the righteous rage ebbing away. With anyone else he could play the role of the omega level mutant, a literal god on Krakoa. Flex his power as he'd learned from Exodus and Magneto, remind the man before him that the gulf between their abilities is as vast as the sea of stars.

He would invoke fear. But he does not want to be feared by a man whose approval he'd sought with each late night study session, with papers penned not for extra credit but to prove that he was learning.

Part of him wants to go back, to cook as he'd been ordered. To be the dutiful student, knowing that the world was complex and not all choices were easy... but the guilt upon four other faces haunts him and keeps him rooted to the spot.

"Please don't make me say it, Professor," he lays the crumpled request upon the table. Crushed in his fist on the way over, wrecked in ways he can't undo. "You were the guy who taught me why this is wrong."