#he’s not a wizard but you can’t say he isn’t into Caleb at least a little

[munsons-mutiny]

I’ve had this headcanon forever and it’s just never come up anywhere, so I figured it’s time to write about it.

Caleb’s spell that he makes for Veth, Widogast’s Transmorigification, has major implications for Exandria’s trans population! This could be the magical equivalent of top or bottom surgery only it’s down to a biological level! I’m sure they’ve had their own procedures, but a body that you can personally design does seem like an upgrade from whatever technology/magic they have available!

I like to believe that Caleb doesn’t think about the spell in that context at first, why would he? It was designed for someone with a different type of body dysphoria, and he doesn’t interact with too many trans people (at least that he knows, I have no clue if he knows about Yussa, and they haven’t seen Bryce in ages).

But once he starts teaching, and establishes himself as a safe space for queer kids (you can’t tell me the empire is super open minded, especially their most prestigious traditional institution) the application becomes obvious. The first time his favorite student, a small purple tiefling named Aza who reminds him so much of Molly it hurts, comes to him mid-breakdown because of how bad the dysphoria is the solution just immediately pops into his head. He could fix this for her, give her the body she should’ve been born in.

He comforts her the best he can and then calls a meeting of the lgbt club he has set up (it’s run under the radar to make it safe even for students who aren’t out to their peers yet). Where he gives a presentation on the spell, and it’s capabilities, even has Veth come in to show the results and have her talk about her experience and if there had been any side effects.

A couple students in the room cry at the possibility, some remain uninterested, but many are enraptured with the idea.

In what seems like the blink of an eye Caleb has suddenly become an underground queer hero, he starts performing the spell free of cost to anyone who wants it and is above the legal age (you just have to help dig up the clay if you can). Ends up having a whole medical procedure to the spell, where he takes them to the blooming grove (which I imagine has plenty of clays heheh) where it’s peaceful and they can talk everything over with caduceus before and after. Who can guide them through their feelings much better than Caleb though he always tries his best. He always offer the option to go back as well (though they have to wait a year, which is of course stated beforehand) if it isn’t the solution they were hoping for.

(Totally off track but I fully believe Caduceus ends up super involved in Caleb’s queer club, there’s so little aro ace rep and seeing someone whose so confident in it would be so helpful for them, and I think it would be so comforting for Caddy to see others like him and to know he’s not alone in that)

They keep the whole operation quiet, but it spreads silently throughout the queer community, Astrid even stepping in a time or two to keep it off the Assembly’s radar (She may be straight, but she’s poly with a bi partner, and I believe she’ll use her powers for causes she believes in for better or worse. Thankfully this is one of them).

There’s still discrimination against the queer community, but this quiet movement starts to spread to the point that almost every member of the nein is involved. Beau uses her connections at the Soul to get new documentation for people with proper names and pronouns. Yasha starts running Rexxentrum’s first self-sustainable lgbt safehouse for kids with nowhere to go (the garden is incredible). Jester and Fjord turn Fjord’s old orphanage into a second lgbt safehouse after he gets it shut down. Veth adds lgbt education to her camps curriculum, and is an advocate for same sex healthcare in the Nicodranas school system. She has a tunic that says proud mother of a bisexual wizard that she wears a little too often much to Caleb’s chagrin. Even Kingsley (illegal pirate king that he may be, my beloved) ends up becoming as involved as possible in Caleb’s group. Loves learning more about gender identity, and becomes the first Plank King to be openly gender fluid (probably who knows, I don’t know much about Darktows history but I def didn’t get super queer vibes). Makes sure Dark-Tow is accepting of all who turn to piracy, and imposes harsh laws against discrimination.

Essek looks on all of this with pride, so proud of Caleb and even the small role that he got to play in the spells creation. It’s the first time he gets to see something he helped with create good in the world. With Caleb’s permission he ends up sneaking back into the dynasty and leaving a copy of the finished spell on the Bright Queens desk, with a big created by Caleb Widogast across it (with whatever the wizard equivalent of copyright is). In a culture that centers around rebirth in different bodies, the idea that you could choose to have your original body back is a big deal. Dysphoria after consecuted individuals get their magic back is a huge problem within the dynasty, and it does Essek a lot of good to know that he’s done something actually helpful for his country.

Basically this got super long winded and out of hand, and I know Matt has largely cut homophobia, transphobia, and non-fantasy racism from Exandria but this idea would just not leave me alone!! And either way the spells implications for a gender affirming procedure are still super relevant.

[thebest-medicine]

Impractical Jokers

[read on ao3]

A/N: Had some Thoughts about Tasha’s Hideous Laughter / Hideous Laughter spell. Mainly. That Nott knows it [C2E28]. I would love to see Caleb experience it. (Caleb x Laughter OTP) And, also featuring a great joke Nott tells Caleb [C2E55]. (This is the first two chapters from ao3 put together.)

Summary: Nott is actually quite hilarious, thank you very much Caleb.

Words: 1285

…

“Hey Caleb?”

“Ja?”

“How many Zemnians does it take to light a lantern?”

Caleb turns from his book and raises an eyebrow at her. His lips turn down slightly in a frown.

“One! Because they’re efficient and humorless!”

“That’s not a very good punch li-” He starts to say, watching as Nott smirks and whispers something he can’t quite hear but recognizes as arcane; she waves the small feather she usually keeps on her for feather fall pointedly at Caleb.

And then he finds he can’t say anything at all as he folds to the ground, cackling with laughter. “W- IHI- NAHAHAHA-” Caleb laughs as he wraps his arms around his middle, and some sliver of his brain notes with hilarity that he’s slipped out of his chair and is now rolling on the floor.

“Oh, I guess it just took you a second to get the joke!” Nott laughs along and winks at him. Not that Caleb picks up on it, as he’s currently too busy cackling his head off. “I’ve never …seen you laugh like this.” She considers the giggling heap of wizard for a moment, looking down at him for a change. “Feels good to finally get a rise out of you!”

Every word she says, every sound he hears, every sensation he feels and conscious thought he has is currently the funniest Caleb has ever experienced (at least, that he can remember right now). He’s jumped past snickers and giggles straight into wild, unending cackles. Giddiness flitters through his chest as he shakes his head, trying to breathe through the laughter.

Nott scampers a bit closer, trying to get a good look at Caleb’s smile. “I didn’t know you thought I was this funny. I’m honored, truly.” She teases. And, well, she can’t help but reach out to Caleb, ruffling his hair a bit as he squirms, arms wrapped around his middle.

A long few seconds later, the buzzing, tingling, silly feeling of unbridled hilarity subsides, pulling back like the tides. Caleb coughs a little as he catches his breath, laying back against the floor. “That was-”

“Adorable?” Nott cuts in.

Caleb makes a sound of protest as the redness on his cheeks seems to grow a bit even though he’s stopped laughing. “You are not so funny.” He rolls his eyes and gives her a wary look, trying to fight the lingering smile off of his face.

“You’re right.” She chuckles. “I am Nott, SO FUNNY!”

Caleb rolls his eyes again and starts to push himself up by his elbows from where he had collapsed in laughter on the floor. “It won’t always work. You caught me off guard, but I can resist your tricks.” As he stands, he finally succeeds in making a face that isn’t a big stupid grin.

Well, Nott thinks, that won’t do.

“Either you’re going to have to start laughing more, or I’m going to have to get more feathers.”

Caleb freezes, eyes wide like a spooked animal. “What?” He manages, it’s almost a gasp. His face approaches the color of his hair.

Hmmm, he’s definitely blushing. Interesting. Nott starts to explain, her voice slow, as she studies his expression. “I need feathers…to cast Tasha’s hideous laughter.”

Caleb’s face seems to cool down a few degrees as he blinks. “Oh, ah-”

“But.” She continues, pulling another feather from somewhere inside her cloak. “I can also think of something else that I could use them for.”

Caleb’s eyes snap to hers. The seeds of a new smile, remnant of his earlier grin, are starting to sow despite his attempts to look stern. “Nott.”

She hums, giving him a smirk and wiggling the feather a little his way.

“Do not.” He takes a step back.

They stare at each other for a long moment before Caleb turns to bolt. As he turns away, Nott catches the growing smile on his face. A beat later, she pounces after him.

“Get back here!” Nott cries, a few steps behind Caleb.

“Nein!” Caleb nearly squeals as he dodges a hand going for his ankle.

Nott recognizes the finger movements ahead of her as the start of somatics. No, she scolds in her head, he won’t be getting away so easily. She’s already got the feather in hand as she shouts the incantation quickly.

Caleb’s next step forward crumbles as he folds in on himself laughing. “NEIHIHIHIN- HAHA AH I- NAHAHA!” So much for being able to resist it next time. The warm sparks of his magic fizzle away as he falls to the floor, wriggling about like a worm.

Nott plops down on her knees next to him, avoiding any flailing limbs. Caleb, it seems - to Nott’s delight, is quite malleable when he’s laughing his head off. When she reaches out to poke at his sides and stomach a few times, he wiggles slightly away. She scoots up near his head, smiling down at his wide grin, and uses another feather to start toying with his ears and neck.

It’s hard to tell if he’s reacting more than a few wiggles away from the pokes and swipes of the feather. The spell does a pretty good job of making the victim laugh as hard as they can, so he’s stayed pretty consistent in volume.

Nott gets one of Caleb’s wrists in her hand and pulls the arm away from his side. It goes quite easily. It’s strange seeing the normally stubborn wizard acting this way, a freshly made dough to be tossed and kneaded any which way without so much as a protest.

Nott can sense the spell ending as Caleb’s laughter peters off into a much lighter, sillier giggle. She moves into the space between his side and his arm, sets the feather next to her, and blocks Caleb from bringing his arm back down in one quick motion. And then, she pokes her fingers into his armpit.

Caleb squeals, his elbow coming down into Nott’s back. His other hand flies up and Nott braces for a shove, but Caleb just slams the free hand over his reddening face.

“Aww. Don’t do that!” Nott complains, reaching up to tickle under the front of his neck with one hand. His chin comes down with a snort, and the hand on his face moves to bat weakly at her arm. “Your smile is the whole point!”

Caleb whines between his laughter at the affection and teasing.

“And see, I don’t even have to use the feather. I can just get you any time. My hands are my greatest weapon!” Nott monologues triumphantly. “Though, maybe I could enlist some help.”

“Nein!” Caleb manages to squeak out as he laughs.

“Exactly. I’m sure rest of the Nein would love to help.” Nott says as she pokes a bit lower, just above where his leather holster lays. Caleb shouts, his body attempting to curl away from her. He’s shaking his head, giggling loudly. She pauses, leaving her fingers just touching the spot. “Well then.” She squeezes once more. “Looks like you’d better start laughing at my jokes.”

“Ja, ja. Haha- fine. Alright - hehe- you little menace.” Caleb giggles. Nott lets him up, for now, moving a bit out of his space. He pulls his arms into his chest, rubbing against the phantom feeling on his rib cage, then he reaches out and pulls the goblin in.

There’s a brief second where she panics, assuming he is eager to get revenge. But, Caleb just hugs her close, still giggling as they lay together on the floor. It’s a place they have been in more times than she can count, but this time, the warm feeling that envelopes them isn’t just coming from body heat.

[whumpdoyoumean]

Whumptober #15

xxx i don’t need you to help me

Fjord looks up from his dinner in time to see Jester skipping toward Caleb, and he looks back down with a shake of his head. The wizard has been standoffish these last few days, more than usual even. Not that Fjord can blame him, really. The fight with the direwolves had been…intense, to say the least. His hand moves to his stomach as he remembers the gaping wounds that had been there, the indescribably horrific feeling of holding his hands over them in an attempt to keep his insides from spilling out. He remembers the sounds that had come from him, agonized and inhuman. He shudders and pushes his food around in his bowl with his fork, his appetite diminished. Caduceus had been able to heal him, but between the miserably cold days and trying to make up for time lost, they’ve been unable to have a decent rest and all of them are feeling it. 

“Caleeeeeb!” He hears Jester’s sing-songy voice. “Look what I made you!” When there isn’t an immediate answer, she adds, “It’s a flower crown, I--”

“I have no interest in your silly things!” Caleb snaps, suddenly and sharply. Fjord’s hand freezes, and he looks over at Beau. She just shrugs slightly, her expression as surprised as his own.

“Oh,” Jester says softly, the woven daisies held gingerly in both hands. She takes a step backward. “Sorry.”

Caleb’s face softens, eyes wrinkling at the corners and mouth turning down with regret, and he sighs heavily. His shoulders slump as he does, his whole body seeming to cave in and shrink. 

“No, Jester. I--I am sorry.” He tries to make eye contact, but his gaze keeps flicking down to the dirt. “That was…very nice of you. I’m just…I am very tired.”

“We’re all tired, Caleb,” Beau says, her voice sharp. 

He nods once, and maybe it’s the shadows cast by the fading light but he looks…exhausted. Haggard. Definitely worse off than any of the rest of them.

“Yes. Yes, of course, I didn’t mean…It is lovely, Jester.”

She narrows her eyes at him, but she’s never able to stay angry at Caleb for long and Fjord can see a corner of her mouth twitching. She lets Caleb stew for a moment longer before beaming at him. 

“That’s alright, Caleb! Here!” She gently drapes the flower crown on the man’s head. He can’t say no now, and she knows it. Fjord  rolls his eyes, but he can’t help but smile at her antics.

It quickly fades when Caleb’s knees buckle. Jester manages to catch his arms before he can collapse fully, letting out a startled sound.

“Caleb!” Nott’s voice joins Jester’s, the goblin scrambling to her feet. 

“I’m alright,” Caleb insists as Jester helps ease him down into a sitting position. The breathiness of his voice undercuts his words, however, and Fjord sets his bowl on the ground, ready to stand if he’s needed. Beau is already on her feet.

“I--I am okay!” His voice cracks, and he’s even more unconvincing than he was before. “I just need to sit down for a minute.”

“What is that?” Nott demands, and Fjord does stand then. 

Caleb tries to bat her hands away, but he’s no match for her speed and she snatches his coat, pulling it away from his torso and letting out a cry, voice rising in pitch and volume. 

“Is that blood?!”

“Beau.” Fjord looks over at her. “You better go get Caduceus.”

She nods once, wide-eyed, and takes off running toward the trees, while Fjord hurries to Jester and Nott and Caleb. The former two are clamoring, while the latter tries (and repeatedly fails) to reassure them.

“Please, Nott, I am fine. Jester, I’m fine!” 

“You’re not fine, Caleb!” Nott cries.

“That is a lot of blood,” Jester adds.

Caleb doesn’t look at either of them, stares at a distant point between them looking flustered. Now that he’s close, Fjord gets a real look at Caleb for the first time in days. He doesn’t look good--dark circles under his eyes that stand out even more against unusually pale skin, a sheen of sweat covering his face despite the chill in the air, despite the visible shivers running through him. 

It’s a wonder no one’s noticed before now.

“Hey.” Fjord puts a hand on Jester’s shoulder and one on Nott’s. “Why don’t you guys go check on the fire?” When he’s met with looks of reluctance and defiance, he adds, “He looks like he’ll be needing it.”

“Let’s go, Nott,” Jester coaxes. “We can get some firewood to help Caleb.”

Nott lets out a discontented hum, but allows herself to be led away by the tiefling. Fjord waits until they’re a few steps away before he kneels down in front of Caleb. The light is beginning to fade and Caleb’s shirt is dark, but there’s a large patch that’s even darker, and four thin gashes in the fabric on the left side of his chest. Now that the others are gone, the I’m fine act has vanished, pain evident on Caleb’s features as he lets out shaky breaths.

“I--I’m going to lay down now, I think,” he murmurs, leaning back and hitting the ground with a grunt, draping his left arm up and over his head.

“How bad?” Fjord asks as he starts the process of pushing up all of the layers of clothing to get a look at the wound.

“Not…Not sure. Haven’t, erm--” He clears his throat. “Haven’t had a chance to look.”

Fjord looks up at him with raised eyebrows. He supposes he shouldn’t be surprised, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be concerned. “We’ll have a chat about that later. Shit you wear a lot of clothes…”

“It is col--sheize!” He closes his eyes tight, grimacing in pain as Fjord pushes the innermost layer up and away from his ribs.

“Easy, there--ooh shit.”

There are four ragged, parallel gashes across his ribcage, starting halfway to his midline and extending up and around his side toward his armpit, almost to his back. The whole left side of his torso is covered with dried crimson, the wounds dark with it as they try to heal. One gash is cracked, a thin trickle of fresh blood oozing from it. And the area all around the wounds is visibly inflamed and bright red underneath all the dried blood. Caleb’s chest rises and falls in short, rapid breaths. 

“That bad?” He almost laughs as he says it. 

“It’s not good.” Guilt is beginning to gnaw at Fjord as he realizes that Caleb’s been walking around like this for days. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“It’s just some scratches. You were dy--” He stops. Breathes. “You needed all the healing they could give you, Fjord.”

Ah. Caleb didn’t want them to use any spells on him, so he’d kept his mouth shut. 

The guilt only grows. He examines the wounds, squinting at them in the dying light. 

“You still should’ve said something, Caleb. We can help you. There’s other things besides magic.”

He expects a response to that, at the very least an indignant sound, but to his surprise the wizard says nothing. 

“Caleb?” He looks up and his heart skips in his chest. Caleb’s eyes are closed, his face slack. “Hey, Caleb. Caleb!” 

“Is he alright?” Nott calls.

He reaches up and pats Caleb’s face (fuck, his skin is clammy), ignoring Nott’s shout for the time being as he tries to stir his friend into consciousness. 

“Caleb, c’mon buddy.” Frantic fingers move to his neck, finding the pulse there fast and fluttering. 

“Caleb!” Nott runs back, dumping a small arm load of wood on the ground before falling to her knees near Caleb’s side. Her eyes widen as she takes in the wounds, and she looks up at Fjord. “What happened?”

“He was hurt during the dire wolf attack.”

Nott makes a sound that’s somewhere between worried and frustrated. “Well, why didn’t he say anything?”

Fjord sighs. Because of me, he thinks. He doesn’t look at Nott, instead turning to Jester, who’s wandered over with her own load of firewood. “Have you got a piece of wire squirreled away somewhere?”

Jester nods quickly. 

“K, good. I need you to contact Caduceus. Tell him Caleb is wounded and we need him to get back here as quick as he can.”

“Okay.” She sets the wood she’s gathered down before digging into her bag to find the wire necessary for the sending spell. 

Nott is sitting on the ground now. She’s lifted Caleb’s head so it’s resting in her lap, and now she’s leaning over him, murmuring quiet reassurances. Fjord feels like he’s intruding somehow, so he moves away and picks up some of the discarded sticks and branches to stoke the fire. 

Beau and Caduceus emerge from the woods a few minutes later, and Caduceus quickly busies himself mixing things he’s gathered from the woods into some kind of paste. Beau sits next to Fjord, picking up a stick from the ground and tracing swirling shapes into the dirt. 

“How is he?” she asks after a moment, not looking up from her idle scratching.

“He’s in pretty bad shape. It happened during the fight with the dire wolves. I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner…He didn’t say anything because of me, you know.”

Beau and the stick freeze, and she looks up at Fjord. “You’re not really trying to blame yourself for this, are you?”

Fjord doesn’t answer, and Beau glares at him. 

“Fjord,” she says, her voice serious. “You were literally dying. Plus Caleb is pretty good at keeping secrets. None of us saw it. It’s not your fault.”

Fjord takes a deep breath, letting it out as a long sigh. “Well it sure as hell feels like it.”

“Well it’s not. So just stop. Besides, Caduceus knows what he’s doing. Caleb is going to be fine.”

“Yeah,” Fjord says quietly. “Thanks, Beau.” 

“Fjord?” Caduceus says. “I’m going to need your help.”

Fjord stands quickly. “Whatever you need.”

“The mixture I’ve made will help him heal, but I’m afraid it isn’t particularly pleasant. I’ll need you to hold Mister Caleb still in case he wakes up.”

“Sure,” Fjord says, moving over to the unconscious wizard’s side. He kneels in the dirt next to him, putting a hand on his uninjured shoulder. Caduceus positions himself on Caleb’s other side.

“Nott, hold his left arm, please,” Caduceus says as he scoops some of the paste he’s made from a little wooden bowl. “Keep him steady.”

“I’ve got him,” Nott says firmly, gripping Caleb’s left wrist with both hands.

Caduceus nods at her, then smears some of the mixture onto the gashes on Caleb’s chest. Caleb makes a small sound in the back of his throat, his eyebrows twitching into a slight frown, but other than that he hardly stirs as Caduceus continues to scoop the paste onto the wounds. Fjord is starting to think perhaps the firebolg was just being overcautious when Caduceus starts to rub the paste into the open wounds. Caleb’s whole body jerks and he lets out a loud cry.

“It’s alright, Caleb!” Nott says, holding onto his arm with a frantic expression as Fjord puts more of his weight onto Caleb’s good shoulder. 

“Easy, there,” Fjord says. 

“I have to make sure the medicine gets deep into the wounds if he’s going to heal properly,” Caduceus says in that calm, steady voice of his. 

“We’ve got him,” Nott says. “Keep going.”

Caduceus does, and Caleb screams again, writhing, trying to twist away from Caduceus’s touch. Fjord looks up at Nott to make sure she’s got a good hold on him. She does, of course--she possesses an impressive amount of strength considering her size--but he can see on her face that it’s difficult for her, seeing Caleb in pain like this.

“You’re doing very well, Mister Caleb,” Caduceus says. “Nearly done.”

Caleb is trembling by the time Caduceus finishes, his breath coming in small, pained gasps. He doesn’t wake up. 

“He needs some good rest now, for the medicine and his body to do their work,” Caduceus says. He looks up at Fjord, and he seems to stare into him. “I think you could do with a good night’s sleep too, friend.”

Fjord shakes his head a little. “No. No, I should keep watch--”

“We’ve got it,” Beau says. 

“Yes, we can do it,” Jester agrees.

Fjord wants to argue, but he can tell by the others’ faces that it’s not an argument that they’ll let him win. 

“Fine,” he says finally. He’s not sure he’ll be able to sleep, but he lays out his bedroll anyway, settling next to Caleb. 

He watches the stars for a long time, listening to Caleb’s breathing and the crackling of the fire. 

He doesn’t even notice himself tire before he drifts off. 

xxx 

Caleb is already awake when Fjord wakes up in the morning, sitting next to the fire with a blanket wrapped around him. He still looks tired, but he’s improved significantly since the previous night, and is even smiling a little at something one of the others said. 

“How are you feeling?” Fjord asks, walking to join them. 

“I’m alright,” Caleb says. 

“Good,” Fjord says. “Because I’m about ready to kick your ass.”

Caleb frowns. “I’m not sure I’m feeling that alright,” he murmurs, looking down at his hands.

Fjord crosses his arms over his chest. “What the hell were you thinkin’, keeping that from us?” 

Caleb raises his eyes guiltily, his arms scrunching up toward his shoulders. “I didn’t think it was that bad.”

“Yeah, well, it fucking was,” Fjord says. It comes out sounding harsh, and he knows it, but he doesn’t hold back, the worry that’s been knotted in his gut coming out as frustration. “Never again, you hear me?”

“I hear you,” Caleb says. 

Fjord is determined not to let Caleb off easy, so he just sets his jaw and nods curtly. “Good. We’re a team now, Caleb. You don’t have to just handle shit on your own.”

“I know that. I’m sorry.”

The genuineness in Caleb’s voice is enough to make Fjord soften, just a little, and he sighs. Damn it. 

“Yeah, well. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

xxx 

[romeoandjulietyouwish]

Chapter 4: Suspicion (waiting for heartbreak)

Summary: When Essek's mother insists that it's time for him to marry, he thinks he's doomed to spend the remainder of his life in a loveless marriage. That is until Caleb volunteers to pretend to be his fiance until Essek can find another solution. Link to chapter 1

“It all happened rather suddenly, didn’t it?”

“They’re not even living together.”

“It must have been a hasty decision-”

“It’s his first life, you wouldn’t expect-”

“It can’t be real-”

Everywhere Essek goes, it seems that discussion of his love life follows. He can scarcely retrieve his mail without hearing someone gossiping about him and Caleb. It’s violating to say the least. He’s been talked about plenty in the courts, but always for his accomplishments and the things he has done for his den, never for what may or may not be going on in the privacy of his home. In fact, that seems to be the problem. The gossip surrounds the fact that he and Caleb are close and clearly in love, but they don’t live together.

He’s heard rumors that Essek has more than one partner, that the Mighty Nein don’t approve of the relationship (how far that is from the truth), and that Essek isn’t as serious about the relationship as Caleb is. So it comes as absolutely no surprise to him when he receives a missive from his mother.

Shadowhand,

Those in high society are beginning to question the legitimacy of your relationship with the Empire Scourger. Fix it. Now.

Umavi Thelyss

Essek fights the urge to grind his teeth and tosses the letter into his fireplace. He should have known that this was going to happen. Sooner or later, everything falls apart. At least when his personal life is concerned. But he can’t help but feel a bit of anger at how his mother referred to Caleb.

With a quick message, he summons Caleb to his tower. The wizard arrives in minutes, his brow pinched in worry. When Essek opens the door, he greets Caleb with what he hopes is a warm smile and says, “Usstan lle'warinil dos, vallabha.” I missed you, dearest. 

He pulls Caleb into the tower and shuts the door, taking a few steps away from Caleb. “Thank you for arriving so quickly.”

“What’s going on?” Caleb asks, he examines Essek up and down. “You seem tense.”

Essek wrings his hands, “My mother is not happy with our performance. There are rumors circling about us, that the relationship is illegitimate. Most of them have to do with our living situation.”

Caleb nods, rubbing his beard, “What do you want us to do?” Essek sinks down onto a settee, hopelessness rising in him. He can already see the future, his mother’s anger and the marriage he will be forced into, the divide that would grow between him and Caleb. Caleb takes a knee before Essek, looking up at him. Essek can’t handle the earnestness in his eyes. “Tell me what to do and I will do it.”

finish reading on ao3!

[grayintogreen]

You're like THE Lucien expert so I was hoping you could help me with something if possible? Was it ever mentioned why the somnoven allowed Lucien to go that far to subdue them? His intentions were pretty clear (e.g. Calling them "babies"in that scried convo with Cree) and yet he was able to use the powers granted to him as he pleased. Did they not know? Or were they unable to do anything about it? I know it's a lot but it's been bugging me for a while now. Thank you!

Thank you. I’m glad this is my contribution to this fandom. XD

This is one of the many MANY contradictions of canon that TNEOL has that pissed me off because Lucien is insulting them directly to their faces and they were RETALIATING (like straight up I think Timorei was like yeah we could have warned you your friends were about to die but you told us to shut up) yet they were still like “hahaha this guy won’t betray us.” It doesn’t make any damn sense.

In canon, it felt like Lucien was shielding himself from them, though I don’t really know how- when the Nein go to Cognouza, the Somnovem they meet repeatedly kept saying they couldn’t sense him, which is wild, right? They sensed Cree, Caleb, and Beau, so why not Lucien? And if he’d been planning on betraying them the whole time, of course he would hide his thoughts from them and pay them lip service whenever he was in contact with them. He was running a long con and he needed to keep his plans guarded. This isn’t stated but it’s at least directly implied and it’s the theory I subscribe to. I choose to believe he learned how to hide from them while he was in the Astral Sea to keep from getting fully overwhelmed by the Eldritch Madness and then carried it back to the Material Plane to keep his plans secret.

As for why they didn’t do anything about it… well I do have a couple theories.

1. They’re wizards and they didn’t actually think that Lucien could betray them. (By Talos This Can’t Be Happening) by the time they COULD, Lucien had seven nukes primed to end them.

2. They really COULDN’T do anything. We know the Somnovem can defend themselves but look at their kit and look at Lucien’s immunities and resistances. The only thing they have that he’s NOT resistant to is Culpasi’s slow and Elatis’s pull attack and we still don’t know what Mirumus does. And Lucien’s rend mind is psychic damage- the thing they’re VULNERABLE too. Their servant was literally built to tank them, which is a whole other theory about why that is. Like either they’re stupid or something else was influencing their kits and their blessings. (THARIZDUN???) but again, conspiracy theory.

They were also asking the Nein to stop Lucien too which tells me they know they can’t body him in a fair fight and Lucien didn’t come to fight a fair fight.

3. They’re not actual gods so they can’t even take his powers AWAY so there was nothing they could do. See points one and two.

SO YEAH tl;dr Lucien was probably shielding himself and the Somnovem were too prideful to think he’d betray them up until the last second when they couldn’t have fought him anyway.

[livvy-maye]

Caleb is the most shipable character in Critical Role

[sapphicquill]

Critickle Role: something good to celebrate

(ao3 link!)

Rating: Teen

Characters: Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss, Mollymauk Tealeaf

Wordcount: 3584

“It’s just your birthday, dear, no reason to look like someone’s kicked Frumpkin so hard he poofed.”

Caleb sniffed, glaring over the steaming mug of tea in his hands at where Mollymauk was leaning against the living room door frame. 

“I can tell the two of you are planning something.”

His tiefling boyfriend laughed, the jewelry on his horns clicking together delicately. 

“Well of course we are! Like I said, it’s your birthday. We’re your partners. We’re supposed to plan things for you for your birthday.”

It was all Caleb could do to keep from pouting, so he elected to just keep his eyes on Mollymauk as he blew on his tea. Molly grinned at him as he pushed himself forward and plopped down next to Caleb on their sofa. 

“Come now, if you can’t trust me to be nice, at least remember that I’m not doing this alone. Essek’s helping.”

“That is not as comforting as I imagine you think it is.”

Molly laughed again, this time his head tilting back from the force of it. Caleb lamented the fact that he still had a nearly-full mug of tea and had only been awake for a half hour. He’d very much prefer to shut Mollymauk up and keep his laughter coming. Ah, well. Time for that later.

“Hey, I’m not that much of a terrible influence, am I?” 

“Hmm, that’s up for debate, I think.”

Essek’s voice came from the other side of the room, sleep-rough and warm and affectionate. Molly wiggled closer to Caleb’s side to make room for the drow on the sofa. 

“Love, please inform our precious, stubborn boyfriend that he has no right to be this suspicious of birthday shenanigans.”

“Your usage of the word ‘shenanigans’ probably isn’t providing him any comfort.”

Molly pouted exaggeratedly at Essek but didn’t deny anything. Essek wasn’t wrong.

“The two of you do not need to do anything grand, really,” Caleb insisted after a quiet moment passed. “It’s just a day.”

Molly looked like he wanted to say something in response, but Essek cut him a pointed look before focusing back on Caleb.

“We know, chathtiu. But will you at least trust that we won’t do anything that would make you uncomfortable?”

The look on Essek’s face, full of concern and what Caleb thought might be hope, was enough to push past the instinctive fight that always boiled to the surface whenever the human wizard was confronted with being given anything nice. Despite all of the emotional growth he knew he had made over the last handful of years, it was still dreadfully hard to accept the kind of warm comfort and support his partners were always quick to offer. 

“I suppose,” Caleb finally replied around a sigh, focusing his eyes back on his tea. The sofa shifted, Molly doing some sort of excited wiggling next to him, and Caleb couldn’t hold back a fond, helpless smile. 

—

Birthdays had been a touchy subject for Caleb for a long time. He had been so young the last time they could be considered even vaguely important. When his life had been consumed by Ikithon, he and Astrid and Eadwulf had made a few halfhearted attempts at celebrations behind closed doors, away from watchful eyes, but it had very quickly proven too difficult to even bother. 

Thinking about birthdays with his parents made everything inside Caleb burn hotter than fire. His eighteenth passed in a haze of false memories and an ache in the pit of his stomach. If he had it his way, his birthday would be nothing more than another day each year. 

But then he had been adopted by a group of ridiculously sentimental idiots with far too much love in their hearts to stand idly by while he continued to self-destruct. He tried, every year, to not be such a “grumpy old stick in the mud,” as Jester liked to say, but it was so instinctive to just let his walls come up and block everything out. 

It was lucky, then, that he had two very precious people who loved him so thoroughly that they wouldn’t let that happen. Caleb knew he could trust Mollymauk and Essek to not go overboard. Well—he could trust Essek to pull Molly back from whatever ridiculous plans he’d come up with and hone in on something that wouldn’t make Caleb want to crawl out of his own skin. He loved his partners fiercely, as much as he knew they loved him and each other. He could trust them with anything.  

Still, old habits die hard.

The morning of the accursed day, Caleb blinked his eyes open to the feeling of tender fingers carding through his hair and soft lips pressing kisses to his face and neck. It was a lovely way to wake up, but his keen mind quickly reminded him of the date, and unwelcome trepidation began to bubble to the surface. Feeling a bit like he was standing on the edge of a precipice, Caleb braced for whatever his boys had come up with. 

He held his breath when Molly bounced out of bed while Essek stayed pressed comfortably to his side, but their tiefling returned bearing only three carefully balanced mugs like he did every morning.

He felt his pulse spike as he entered their living room after getting dressed for the day, but the ostentatious balloons and ribbons he’d been picturing were nowhere to be seen. 

There were no lavishly wrapped boxes or suspicious lumps on his desk in the study, only the stacks of books he’d left out the night before. 

Their small kitchen was entirely devoid of colorful baked goods, just as it had been since Veth and Jester had nearly eaten them out of house and home two days previous. 

“Something wrong, sweet?” Essek asked as he stepped around Caleb to get to the still partially filled coffee pot.

“Ah, nein, it’s nothing,” Caleb replied after scanning the kitchen for anything out of place again. Perhaps he was being a little too paranoid. 

—

The rest of the day felt exceedingly normal. Caleb and Essek spent a few hours working on their current research grant proposal while Mollymauk sprawled on the small loveseat he’d insisted they put in the study—“If you two are going to toil away in there all day, I might as well get to relax while watching you be complete nerds”—pouring over a book on practical divination that Beauregard had snuck out of the Archives for him. When he wasn’t shuffling his well-worn tarot deck, the tiefling alternated between his two seemingly favorite activities: sighing dramatically in hopes of luring either one of the wizards to take a break and join him on the loveseat, or draping himself over said wizards in hopes of luring them into taking a break and joining him on the loveseat. 

(He would only ever admit it under extreme duress, but Caleb preferred the latter method of distraction, as Molly would always sneak devilish, wiggling fingers up under his shirt or skitter teasing claws across Essek’s pointed ears to aid in his efforts. It was always a very effective method of distraction.)

As the glow of the sun through the study’s gauzy curtains grew steadily more golden, Caleb felt familiar Infernal warmth press against his side. In a true testament to how much he trusted the two other men in the room, he didn’t even flinch at the sudden sensation.

“We should put a bell on you,” the wizard said softly, not looking away from his current page, “You are quieter than Frumpkin.”

“Nonsense, you just block everything else out when you’re reading,” Molly replied haughtily. The tiefling’s hands curled lightly around Caleb’s waist and the human held his breath. His anticipation only grew when he realized Molly was content with just resting the very tips of his claws threateningly against the spot directly beneath his lowest ribs on either side. He felt a shudder ripple down his back as his boyfriend lowered his mouth to Caleb’s ear. 

“It’s getting late, so how about we all call it a day and have dinner, hmm?”

And, well, how was anyone supposed to argue when they’ve got a very seductive tiefling fluttering insanely ticklish scritches across their waistline?

They order in from a little place down the road, a restaurant owned by a sweet old Zemnian couple that absolutely doted on Caleb every time he came in. It had taken a somewhat depressingly long time for their affection to not leave him feeling singed and aching inside. 

As he sat nestled between Essek and Molly on the sofa with a steaming bowl of hearty stew, something inane and trashy playing on the TV, Caleb reasoned that perhaps birthdays might not be all that bad, if they ended like this. Between the comfort of a familiar meal and the loving little kisses the both of his partners kept leaving on his skin, Caleb figured that he might have figured out what to finally answer when anyone asked him to describe the perfect evening.

But, of course, it was still early. The sun had barely set. Still plenty of time left on the proverbial clock to run down. 

As Caleb reached forward to place his empty bowl on the low coffee table, he caught Essek looking rather pointedly at Molly from the corner of his eye. Before he could open his mouth to propose changing the channel, Molly’s soft accented drawl cut him off, making his heart beat just a bit faster.

“Caleb,” Molly said, shifting to sit on his legs to better face Caleb, “Since it is your birthday and all, we should probably discuss your gift.”

A heavy, hard-to-place feeling settled into the pit of Caleb’s stomach at the tiefling’s words. Of course a quiet dinner at home wouldn’t be enough to satisfy whatever part of Mollymauk spurred him into making a lavish show out of just about everything. Turning back to consult Essek didn’t make things any better—the drow mage wore the smile Caleb knew from experience was a mix of fond exasperation (usually geared toward Molly) and warm support (generally directed at Caleb himself). He should have known he wouldn’t make it through the entirety of his birthday unscathed.

“Meine lieblinge, really, today has been lovely—”

“Caleb, dearest,” Essek murmured, reaching forward and taking one of Caleb’s hands into his own. Almost instantly, Caleb felt just how much he had tensed up at Molly’s words. With a heavy sigh, the human let his shoulders relax before turning back to face his other partner. Molly simply smiled patiently at him, waiting, and that alone was enough to get Caleb to finally acquiesce. These were his partners, the two pieces of his heart that he didn’t even try to imagine living without. He could trust them. 

“Ah, ja, what is there to discuss, Mollymauk?”

Molly’s smile spread into a gleeful grin, and Caleb caught sight of his tail wiggling excitedly behind him. 

“Well, we’re all very aware that you don’t think you deserve anything for yourself,” he continued, ignoring the mildly insulted noise Caleb made in response, “And honestly, between Essek’s extremely deep coffers and my penchant for scamming idiots out of their coin, I figured there’s not much you’d be in need of for a material present. So, our loving boyfriend helped me scheme a bit—”

“Ah, sil'iluuth, ‘scheme’ might not be the most comforting term appropriate—”

“And we’ve come up with what might be, at least in my opinion, the perfect present for you.”

Caleb had to smile at the extremely self-satisfied look that graced Molly’s features. 

“And so you’ve come up with, what exactly?”

Molly let out a low chuckle before leaning forward, bracing Caleb against Essek as he invaded the human’s personal space. 

“Well, if I recall correctly, you really love when we can get your keen little mind to quiet up for a bit.”

Movement caught Caleb’s attention from the corner of his eye. Mollymauk’s hands were pressed into the couch cushion next to Caleb’s leg, and he’d started gently flexing his fingers, drumming them in a slow, light dance against the fabric of the sofa, and Caleb’s keen little mind was quickly catching his lover’s drift. 

“And lucky for everyone here, the most efficient method of doing that is one you rather enjoy for multiple reasons, so it was a fairly simple decision to come to, in the end.”

He was so focused on Molly, already so flustered, that the feeling of Essek’s arms coming to wrap around his waist nearly caused Caleb to leap out of his own skin. The drow simply pressed himself against Caleb’s other side, his minutely cooler temperature a delightful contrast to the nervous heat currently coursing through him. The brush of his lips against Caleb’s neck pulled a gasp from the human, and his attempt to stifle it was severely hindered by the light caress of air in the same place when Essek spoke up. 

“Mollymauk, get on with it already.”

Molly’s grin somehow managed to grow even larger before he pushed all the way into Caleb’s other side, his own warm breath dancing across Caleb’s ear. 

“We’re going to tickle you incoherent, my sweet. How does that sound?”

Caleb felt his mouth go dry at the tiefling’s words. While it would still take a pack of moorbounders to draw it out of him, Caleb was a big enough man to admit quietly in his own head that he loved when Molly and Essek drove him out of his mind with tickling. Like Molly had said, there were a multitude of reasons he did.

Chief amongst them in that moment might have been the absolutely devilish way the words slipped from that sinful mouth, all clipped accent and raw desire. 

Presumably, neither of his partners were actually waiting for a response. Molly’s tone made it quite obvious that he knew what was floating through Caleb’s mind in that moment regardless of anything the human could hope to stutter out in reply. Essek’s fingers, dexterous in the distinct fashion of a gifted caster, started slowly etching random patterns up his sides, and it took more concentration than seemed necessary for Caleb to squash the giggles threatening to bubble up and out of him at the sensation. Unfortunately, the instinctual squirming that always accompanied those giggles was significantly more difficult to squander.��

Molly laughed again and leaned back enough to look Caleb in the eyes. 

“Honestly, we’ve both been itching to get at you all day,” he said softly, shared like a naughty secret in the shadows, “You don’t know how hard it is to keep from just pouncing on you and making you laugh until you safeword. We’ve really been remarkably good, haven’t we, Essek?”

The drow hummed in the affirmative, still keeping up a steady rhythm of mindless shapes and lines drawn into the human’s abdomen, and Caleb knew he was in trouble when he felt the extremely light drag of tiny elven fangs against his neck. He couldn’t possibly have held in the shuddering, giggly gasp that pulled out of him. 

Molly suddenly captured Caleb’s lips in a kiss, swallowing the wizard’s shocked little whines as he burrowed one clawed hand into the space just above his top rib, the other sneaking around to squeeze at his upper thigh. The teasy onslaught consumed Caleb’s consciousness entirely, perception whittled down into only the places his boyfriends were touching him. After a few moments—just long enough to feel like he was just starting to lose himself to the sensations—both Molly and Essek paused their ministrations, causing Caleb to whine a fair bit louder into Mollymauk’s mouth. 

“Patience, lotha murrpau,” Essek murmured before slowly pulling away from Caleb and going to stand from the sofa. Molly nipped teasingly at Caleb’s bottom lip before moving back himself, his tail quivering with poorly-concealed excitement as he pulled Caleb to his feet as well. 

“Might be a bit easier to do this in the bedroom, hmm?” 

The bedroom contained their (honestly a little bit ostentatious) bed, which Caleb knew had several concealed sets of restraints attached to it, so yes, that would make things a bit easier. 

The trio quickly made their way down the hall (with Caleb having to swat at Molly’s wandering hands the entire way). Essek made quick work of magicking the mountain of decorative throw pillows stacked against the headboard onto the floor while Molly stalked Caleb backwards until his knees hit the edge of the mattress.

A nervous grin had already spread across Caleb’s face—he was far too flustered to manage a stoic expression for even a moment—and the fluttering in his stomach was only quadrupled when two sets of hands delicately pulled his wrists and ankles to opposite ends of the mattress. He whined helplessly, squeezing his eyes shut when he caught both of them watching him with molten want. Molly let out a dangerous-sounding laugh as he connected Caleb’s bound wrists to an extra strap of leather poking out from between the pillows and the headboard. 

“Oh dear, look at that,” came Essek’s voice from his spot at the foot of the bed, checking that the cuffs around Caleb’s ankles were comfortably tightened, “It looks like we’ve broken him already, Mollymauk.”

“Mm, good, means we don’t have to work too hard to get him to actually laugh.”

A truer statement had rarely come out of the tiefling’s mouth. One pointed claw each swiped delicately above Caleb’s highest rib on either of his sides and it felt like pure lightning was coursing through him. A bright laugh punched out of Caleb’s throat, which only seemed to spur Molly into repeating the motion over and over, slow and steady. 

And if that weren’t enough to short out the human’s brain, the cool touch of Essek’s hand pushing the toes of his right foot back enough to wiggle clever fingertips into the spaces beneath certainly was. A rushed litany of Zemnian curses and broken pleading poured from him the moment the other wizard’s perfectly manicured nails touched down on his overly-sensitized skin. At his head, Molly cooed in mock sympathy. 

“Gods above, darling! I know you’re one of the most deliciously ticklish individuals I’ve had the honor to know, but really, begging already? We’ve hardly done anything!”

“Haa-h, Mollymauk, bitte, the t-heeeasing—”

Caleb’s own frantic laughter cut him off, Essek spidering both hands up his thighs as Molly dove back to his upper ribs. 

“Teasing!” Molly affected a melodramatic, affronted tone, carefully filed claws scritching infuriatingly against the ridiculously ticklish skin between his ribs and underarms, “Starlight, I think our sweet human has already lost his mind! I’m not teasing, am I?”

“Hmm, I think you’re right, love, there’s definitely no teasing of any sort happening here.”

Their banter was almost worse than their hands, and Caleb could do little else but thrash his head back and forth as his boyfriends carefully took advantage of two of his worst spots effortlessly. Of course, they both knew the wonderfully tortuous cycle—enough teasing would make the actual tickling twenty times worse, and the tickling would make every cruel word that fell from their lips feel as if someone had unleashed a horde of butterflies in his stomach. Sometimes it would hardly take more than the two of them talking and fluttering fingers threateningly to bring Caleb to this point, Common all but flown from his head and tears puddling in the corners of his eyes (Molly had been particularly proud the first time he’d managed to get Caleb to scream for mercy without even touching him once). 

But the electrifying feeling of their touches to his skin, switching between light, gentle tracing to rapid vibrating flutters to nipping pinches across his pale, freckled form were something else entirely. There was nothing else in his annoyingly keen mind but Essek and Mollymauk and the glee in their voices as they pointed out just how ticklish their brilliant wizard was, how much they knew he adored when they would take him apart like this. These moments were the moments Caleb lived for, craved just under his skin like an addict. How wonderful, that the two men he loved were more than happy to be his enablers. 

—

After what the others would later insist was just under an hour—despite the human feeling like it was far longer—and he had managed to squeal out their safeword, Caleb found himself being gently eased into their (also a bit ostentatious) bathtub, steam curling comfortingly off of the water’s surface. He reclined with a long, relaxed sigh against the lean, familiar chest of Molly, while Essek began rubbing soothing hands up and down his arms. Occasionally, a firm stroke would lighten to an almost-tickle, or Molly’s exceedingly devious tail would swipe across the back of his neck, but at the most, Caleb would let out a soft giggle before slipping back into a light doze. 

It felt a bit like his brain was melting out of his ears. 

Delightful. 

“So,” Molly’s voice vibrated through his chest, a soothing purr against Caleb’s back, “Good birthday?”

Caleb slowly blinked his eyes open, meeting Essek’s soft, adoring gaze as he replied with a simple, “Ja, very good.” 

Perhaps birthdays weren’t so much of a chore. If this was the new tradition, Caleb thought that he might just have to start looking forward to them. 

---

Undercommon:

chathtiu: firefly 

sil'iluuth: violet

lotha murrpau: little cat

Zemnian:

nein: no

meine lieblinge: my loves

ja: yes

bitte: please

[marymauk]

Marymauk fic recs: Post-canon Essek things

It's all basically canon compliant. Sorta. Almost. Look, let me have that last one, okay? Also a few of them are actually more about Caleb. Shhh.

Paperback Romance by EscWizard (Esc), T, 5k, Shadowgast

There had been rumours about his and Caleb's sordid love affair since long before it was technically true. Essek was simply... playing into them a little, to help his defection go a little more smoothly. Rosohna would gossip about it for a few months, and then the rumour mill would move on, as it always does.

(it doesn't).

Or: how Essek and Caleb accidentally inspired (at least) a few dozen smut novels.

As funny as you might expect, with a surprisingly heartfelt Verin moment in the middle.

The Climb by Chekhov, T, 6k, Shadowgast

It’s... the stupidest thing.

Essek grits his teeth. It’s a trained habit - a way to redirect some of the pain without showing any symptoms. A Shadowhand never shows his hand, and it is this he excels at - a poker face, a well-concealed illusion of poise and grandeur and tolerance.

But today, he is unlucky.

Because there is little that escapes the keen mind of Widogast - and here he has quite the disadvantage.

It is, quite literally, his least favored terrain.

Stairs.

The mortifying ordeal of walking up a set of stairs. The ending Killed me. I'm dead.

path of the traveled sun by mousecookie, G, 6k, Essek and Verin

The baby chews on the ring and considers Verin with doleful sea-green eyes.

"She is teething,” Essek reports, and the way he says it reminds Verin of the days Essek was still memorizing arcane fundamentals. “I am told that the lower tusks are particularly discomforting in their early stages, even when they are milk teeth."

“Understandable,” Verin replies. He feels mentally adrift, like he’s stepped into an alternate universe, one where his aloof brother has been replaced by this warm, doting double.

Just some good Essek and Verin conversation feat. a Fjorester baby

come in from the storm by hanap, T, 3k, Shadowgast

“I haven’t heard from him in a while,” Caleb admits.

It has been nineteen days, eight hours, and forty-five minutes, to be precise.

The knot of worry that seems to be permanently lodged in his chest these days coils a little tighter.

The wizards have had an argument about whos turn it is to feed the cats. Is this the end?

Pastries and Paradise by Professor_Rye, G, 1k, Jester and Essek

For their weekly Bakery Vacation, Essek takes Jester to a famous Tal'dorei bakery. This time though, he has something to show her. Now if only she'd notice.

Jester and Essek my beloveds

Living a Nightmare, Chasing a Dream by Professor_Rye, T, 7k, Shadowgast

Caleb is in the middle of class when his husband sends him a desperate message. He's hurt, he's confused, and he has no idea where he is. Caleb and the Nein are now racing against the clock to try to find where Essek might be, and to get to him before his assassins do.

Gratuitous use of the word "husband"

Lay Your Bones by LadyOrpheus, T, 53k, Shadowgast, the Mighty Nein, and Verin Thelyss

Footsteps pad down the hall and past the stairs. Actual footsteps. Verin can’t remember the last time he saw Essek walk on his own two feet. He feels a twisted knot form beneath his sternum; something isn’t right.

Thinking only of justice and restoring his family's honor after Essek's betrayal, Verin Thelyss finds something he never expected, an Essek he never expected. A mission for justice turns into a race against time and a family finds their world upended.

Aaaaa this fic!! Listen, basically, I love it...

[utilitycaster]

Wizard Breakdown Tracker, Episode 138

I think it is easy to forget that literally every episode that aired in the year of Our Common Era, 2021, has taken place over the span of *Spurt voice* eleven days. Well. It has. And, indeed, the last seven episodes have covered roughly two days.

The reason this is only about wizard NPCs is because they serve as a sort of audience surrogate in that they are nerds who don't go outside, vs. D&D PCs who see more shit in two to eleven days than most people would see in a lifetime; case in point, Essek's current state of shock. This is also making it very hard to check in with the other wizards. But also this is not about accuracy, even though I am usually right about everything. This is about...honestly I'm not sure, other than wizards.

What I'm trying to say is:

Caleb Widogast is a PC, not an NPC, and is not included in these strange statistics*.

Currently sidelined: Pumat Sol, Oremid Hass, Ludinus Da'leth, Astrid Beck, E_dwulf Grieve

Obligatory self-indulgent Vess Derogna song parody: Tomb....takers, killed you in your room, they’ll end the world soon but hey/you cult wizard, lost in a blizzard, whatever you’ve done, well, murdered, you’ll stay

Trent Ikithon: I am 100% serious that while I have made Narrative Sense In Actual Play Media in the rock on which I will cast my Temple of the Gods, if the final boss is Trent riding on Uk'otoa...I won't be mad. Like does it seem tonally off? Yes; Critical Role is not humorless high fantasy by any means** but they are not actively trying to seem like something that should be airbrushed on a van, usually. But will it be pretty awesome? Yeah.

Trent on the other hand is pretty fucking mad, presumably, because Caleb continues to leave him on read and also picked up a little something called Mind Blank, which is actually useful and not in fact No Thoughts Head Empty. With that said I don't think it's increased; I think we're just at a steady simmer.

Conclusion: 7/10.

Essek Thelyss: Okay I am a dabbler in both cosmic horror and mathematics; I enjoy many elements of both but am an expert in neither. But if I may drop the jokes for a second, how incredible is it that in this alien setting of a city that is an unwitting and unwilling amalgam of consciousnesses, with all the trappings of classic cosmic horror, two people decided to take a scientific risk with things seen as forbidden or foreign by their respective cultures...and won.

I don't know what will befall Essek and he's clearly still having a pretty rough time of it, even though unlike Caduceus I don't think he was brought to the brink of profanity again, yet; but no matter what happens at least he'll have the nat 20 of instant long rest. No matter what happens...he was right about dunamancy. Fucking ironic how much potential the dynasty is wasting, really.

With that said he does have a red eye now even though all he (and, to be fair, Fjord, Veth, and Caduceus as well) did was fight off an eldritch abomination without rolling what must have been like a 20 Wisdom save DC. Like, he (and Fjord, Veth, and Caduceus) do not deserve this. You think this man has a positive wisdom score? In this economy? (actually, he might, I say, looking at Caleb 'Wisdom Ostensibly 16' Widogast).

Conclusion: keeping him at 8/10. It's funny because he is fully on an emotional roller coaster but it's averaging out to about an 8/10 each time; it's just that he's constantly beset by horrors beyond imagination and really terrible rolls but also incredible validation of his beliefs that had so long been ignored. The man's mental state is basically a sine wave, which interestingly enough is itself influencing his mental state.***

Yussa Errenis: The Prodigal Most Interesting Man in Exandria returneth! Wensforth, play Freedom! 836 PD. You know, he should probably feel a little bit of shame, because he should know better, but also he probably does not. Anyway please enjoy the lines I had for Yussa while he was trapped in Cognouza that I did not ultimately use:

aha no don’t get your consciousness sucked into an ancient city you’re so sexy

Here am I floating in an ancient and terrible world-devouring city/far out in the planes/Threshold crests are blue and there’s nothing I can do

Making bad choices and joining the voices it’s...YUSSA ERRENIS

Conclusion: I'm going to say 6/10 but rapidly decreasing. Also Wensforth has had several days to clean the tower...maybe he just won't tell Yussa? He probably will though.

Allura Vyesoren: she's going to facepalm so long that Kima starts timing it, isn't she. She's going to get a series of messages like "hey so the Mighty Nein seem to be doing well! they freed me from the city which sucked me in like some spicy ramen when I did an astral projection...also something happened in my tower?" She's going to just stare out the window for a long moment. She is going to ask herself, much as I have many a time, what the fuck is in the water in Wildemount.

Conclusion: 3/10. Hey, at least she got some news on the Mighty Nein and the city!

Known Gem Wizard Hotsauce Lutefisk: consider: after over 35 years, give or take, in your own perception of time, trapped in a gem, you finally come across some people. Consider that one of them apparently can't resist a big shiny wizard trap. Now consider that this guy went into your +1 Demiplane of Wizard Murdering AND got his mind fully schlorped by Aeorians and yet you are still, inconceivably, stuck in this fucking gem. This is where he draws the line? At a teensy little bodily possession? What the fuck dude.

Conclusion: I'm pretty sure he's already a few large handfuls of iron filings short of a component pouch (which is to say, full up on the batshit) already but this cannot be helping.

*this will be the first but probably not the last cosmic horror and/or math joke because I actually forgot to make cat jokes last night, so thoroughly did the Nein demolish Cree. Speaking of Cree's fate...call that a Furrier Transform.

**high fantasy is a complicated distinction and the wikipedia page includes Discworld which does not seem right to me; it also includes the Belgariad, a series for which I have great fondness having inhaled the first three books while sick in bed as a fourteen year old and having reread several times, but which is explicitly written by a guy who was like what if I made something as formulaic as possible but also literally everyone is either super sarcastic or a huge moron but anyway imo High Fantasy is actually frequently fucking hilarious and a sign of the skill of the creator(s) is whether it's hilarious by accident or on purpose.

***something something Heisenberg uncertainty principle. I had a joke here but it got very convoluted and that is actually not a pun although if you understand why it could be a pun, good work.

[failedskillcheck]

Change with the Tides Part 2/??

A/N: I have no idea how to right combat. Hopefully the next ones won't be so long!

Recap: The Gentleman nodded, and you ran to pack your things. Fjord said something about the Leaky Tap, so you headed over. Right away, Jester threw her arms around you.

“Welcome to the Mighty Nein!”

You spent the next few days lying low with the Nein, trying to do as much as you can to bond, including taking skein with Molly and Beau and taking a trip to the ethereal plane. Neither of them fully trust you, you can tell, Beau even less than Molly.

One afternoon, Caleb, Yasha and Nott all go to The Invulnerable Vagrant, asking if you’d like to tag along. Somehow, Caleb manages to spend 200 gold on paper and ink.

“I didn’t know being a wizard was so expensive,” You say as he picks his merchandise off of the counter.

“Ja, it’s definitely not a poor man’s path.” He answers, watching Nott pick up a flask she had ordered earlier. You all say goodbye to the multiple Pumat Sols and go back to the Leaky Tap. You check on your belongings, making sure your books are still there and get an idea, so you head over to Caleb’s room.

As you quietly open the door, you see him, Nott, and Jester all sitting around a twelve-sided shape, Caleb zoned out staring at it. Jester and Nott shushed you and gestured you to close the door and come sit.

“What is that?” you ask. It looks odd, magic swirling around inside it, and Caleb lifts his finger up.

He goes still, you all go quiet, and as he says, "Father and mother-- I hope I do not let you down," you watch a small gray mote floats into Caleb's chest. He seems to snap back into reality, shocked at your presence.

“Y/N.” He says, a solemn expression taking over his face.

Jester notes the tension, and asks Caleb, “Why did you talk about your Mom and Dad though?” Caleb just stared at her, and you could see him trying to decide whether or not to answer, “Was that a weird question should I have not brought it up?”

“I mean I was wondering the same thing I wasn’t going to say anything.” You say, Nott nodding in agreement.

Caleb rubbed the back of his neck as he said, “Isn’t that a common sentiment? Don’t most people wish to make their parents proud?”

Jester and Nott nodded, agreeing, and you just shrugged.

“If you ever want to talk Caleb, we are super good at talking,” Jester said, smiling wildly, “Goodnight you guys!” she said, and you watched her bounce down the hall.

“Can we help you Y/N?” Nott asked when you didn’t follow Jester.

“Um, yeah.” You took a breath, Caleb clearly didn’t trust you yet, but maybe this would help, “Caleb, could you teach me magic? Or help me get started at least?”

Caleb seemed genuinely surprised at your question, “I can’t promise I’ll be a good teacher, but I’ll try.”

“Awesome,” you said, trying to stay somewhat composed when in your head you were having your own little party, “Goodnight, thanks again, Caleb.”

You left the room, your smile wide, as you passed the stairs, you ran into Fjord going to his own room, “Hey, Y/N. What’s got you so happy?”

“I’m excited for the Harvest Close Festival tomorrow, it’s the only decent part of this city.”

“Riiight. Anyways, night.” He said, unconvinced

“Night Fjord.”

That night, you slept on the floor in Jester and Beau’s room, your face covered and facing the wall. Your true form liked to peek through when you slept, and you knew Beau would never trust you if she saw. Why would she trust a Changling?

The next morning, you’re wakened by Beau’s shouts, making sure you’ve shifted, you spring up, dagger in hand. “Woah Y/N, relax. Jester just got the Fragment and was testing it.”

“Right, uh, sorry.”

Fjord knocks on your door, and you all quickly get ready for the day. The familiar sounds of the Harvest Festival leaking through the walls of the tavern. When you get downstairs, the new owner of the Leaky Tap shows her face, Lauren Schvine.

“I wonder if she knows about the dead person in the basement,” Nott said,

You choked on your breakfast in shock, “I’m sorry, what?”

“Well, it’s more like a skeleton.”

Beau has a negative attitude towards the new owner, seemingly because she wanted to buy the Leaky Tap from her. Once the Nein starts talking about the skeleton, and whether it’s a dead person or a skeleton at this point, you left with Fjord, Molly yelling after you and followed by the others.

You led them down to the Pentamarket, the smells of the festival flooding your senses. You enter the heart of the festival and hear the familiar cries of the Trebuchet vendor, calling on people to play. Slightly farther down is a woman calling “Kings Vault! Kings Vault!” Caleb and Nott head to the Kings Vault table, and you join the others at Trebuchet.

Fjord goes first, declining Jesters offer to pick him up as the guards had just done for a little girl.

The first one, he tosses, and you can tell he threw too far as it smacks the mother on the side of her head. The second one snags on his breastplate, and you wince as the sand flings into Fjord’s face.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this… but let’s try your idea.” He says to Jester, spitting sand out of his mouth.

Jester and Yasha spring into action, getting onto either side and getting ready.

You watch as Fjord gets launched forward, landing face down into the carpet of the game. The crowd around you laughs, and you laugh along with them.

As you laugh, you feel eyes on you in the crowd. Looking around, you see a hooded figure staring at you, and a moment of panic seeps in before Molly steps up to try, and you lose sight of the figure.

Molly has much more luck than Fjord, who is still wiping dirt off his face, as he arcs the sandbag over and it lands perfectly in the basket.

Cheers from the crowd as he splits his turns with Yasha and Jester. Jester steps up first, launching the bag straight up, and comes right down to hit her on her head, dangling off her horn. Yasha only manages to throw it four feet, which is a surprise to you.

Beau was watching you close the whole time, and she noticed the figure as well, and your reaction.

“A fresh Strawberr]y for the victor!” The guardsman yells, handing Mollymauk his winnings. The teifling eats it slowly, making fun of Fjord as he does.

You all start heading over to the Kings Vault stand and are just arriving as Caleb and Nott finish. You all take in your surroundings, everyone seems relaxed and joyful.

“Every year, everyone is so tense. Then it’s the Festival and the mood of the whole city changes.” You say, smiling as two kids with streamers run by.

“They need the catharsis.” Fjord mutters,

“This is quite the party, Y/N,” Molly says, offering you a smile.

You all wonder for a bit, passing mead stalls, an army recruitment table combined with a high-striker game called Titans Grasp, which Yasha and Jester both win, earning themselves a fair bit of money.

Jester seems to smell candied apples and you all follow her to the stall. She buys you all apples, handing you your’s last.

“You didn’t think I forgot about you did you Y/N?” She asks, smile wide, laughing as you take a big bite from the fruit.

Jester suddenly splits off from the group, and you notice her giving a slice to a little girl. Your heart bleeds for a moment as you watch, thinking of how badly you needed that kindness as a child.

You all start splitting off again, looking for specific stalls, and you follow Molly as he “Looks for something gaudy.”

Molly drags you toward a rug cart, grabbing your hand, “Right, which one do you think is the most expensive one here, darling?”

“Are you always such a flirt Mr. Tealeaf?”

“Only when it’s fun.” He whispers in your ear, slinging an arm over your shoulder.

He ends up buying an elaborate rug of the Platinum Dragon, shouting as he slings it over his shoulder “Oh I have fucking plans, people!” before walking away.

The two of you meet up with the rest of the Nein as Nott is firing at three targets. She misses the first two shots she takes, and then absolutely destroys the next seven. She wins a doll of the King, two rats, and two wooden swords.

You, Molly, Beau, and Fjord head over to the military stand, with you keeping close to the back. An arm-wrestling match was in progress as you approached, and the brawny man wins against the soldier.

After his win, he’s offered recruitment into the Righteous Brand, which he declines. Beau then grills the soldier leading for more information, and whether she has to commit more time to the even than she needs to. After Beau is quickly defeated, Yasha takes her turn.

You hold your breath as she clasps the hand of Gunther, the reigning champion. It goes back and forth, and you spot Yasha’s barbarian rage flashing in her eyes as she slams Gunther’s massive head to the table. Cheers rock the crowd as you and the Nein make your way over to where she gets off of the platform. You're able to overhear a bit of the conversation she’s having with the guard.

“Would you be interested in joining the Righteous-”

“No.” She interrupts, walking toward you.

“That was amazing Yasha!” Jester says, bounding up to her.

A man approaches and asks if you’re all looking for work. In the middle of his offer, he looks over at you “I feel like we’ve met before, have you ever been in Nogvurot?”

“Once.” You recognized him immediately, he was there when you were arrested years ago for thievery, so you prayed your disguise had changed enough that he wouldn’t be able to identify you,

“Nothing more you can tell me? You seem familiar, though I’m sure I’ve never seen you before.”

Jester interrupted, “Do you know anything about the missing kids?”

The rest of the conversation became background noise as you remembered what you stole during your brief time in Nugvorut.

The orphanage there was stingy at best with food, and the other kids liked to steal yours. You often spent the day stealing food, but that day it was cold and miserable, so you tried to take shelter in a tavern. You were only sixteen and they didn’t let you in, so you shifted into a dwarf, and you picked a few silver and copper pieces out of some of the patrons. You didn’t know this at the time, but someone had been watching you and waited for you to finish your meal and go outside before arresting you.

There was someone working in the guardhouse with true sight, and they recognized you as the changeling at the orphanage. You had a harder time getting enough food after that, and the matron whipped you and shipped you off to Trostenwald a week later.

You’re still remembering everything as Caleb comes back, dressed in blue and massive glasses. He sees the familiar look in your eyes, he knew where you were. His hand drifted towards your own as he looked toward Darrow, trying to find out if the man set you off somehow.

You snapped to reality, looking down at where Caleb’s thumb was brushing across the back of your hand while he faced forward. You pulled it away, and Caleb turned his head toward you, nodding solemnly.

Darrow leaves, and The Nein starts walking toward the Victory Pit, Caleb sticking in the back with you. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just some memory.” You sigh, shaking the dark interior of the carriage to Trostenwald from your head, “Not a big deal.”

You know Caleb doesn’t believe you, and for a moment, you want to tell him everything, but you know better. Caleb was just as untrusting as Beauregard.

You all make it to the Victory Pit, hear the rules, and sign up. You’re interrupted by a page, who drags the owner Yadaka to a boot. You see Nott make a box appear around her as she listens into the conversation. When she comes back, you’re shocked at the news.

“We need to get out of town.” You say, running your hand through your hair, “If that recruiter comes looking for Yasha, which he will, she’ll be forced to join.” Molly agrees with you, nodding his head

“It occurs to me that starting tomorrow, it would be more important than ever that we stick together.” Says Caleb,

“All of us? Or just you and Nott”? Jester questions, tilting her head,

“All of us.” He answers, looking at Jester and then you.

The conversation is interrupted by the barker, taking you down to the viewing area with the three other groups.

Everyone is looking out to teh crowd, and you see Dolan, with an agent of the Gentleman watching him nearby. Caleb puts his hood up, and you try to follow his eyes to find out who spooked him. No luck.

The first competitors called upon are the Last Line, who defeats a banderhobb.

Then you and the Mighty Nein face and defeat an otyugh, although it manages to poison Beau and Yasha, who are cured by Jester after the fight. You sit beside Fjord with your head in between your knees. There was a moment where you almost fell, and your disguise fell through, but you were able to drink a potion. You all heal up a bit and watch as the Mountain Makers defeat an ice troll, and the Stubborn Stock defeats a giant crocodile.

During the second round, The Last Line is defeated by two minotaurs.

You and the Mighty Nein face and defeat two winter wolves without serious problems, although most are injured. When you get out of the ring, you’re leaning against Beau as you hobble out and Jester casts Prayer of Healing while you rest.

The Mountain Makers are defeated by two owlbears, and the Stubborn Stock defeats two displacer beasts.

In the final round, only two teams remain, and you enter with the Mighty Nein and watch as a hill giant barrels in.

Your strategy shifts from attacking up close to ranged attack, and you quickly cast Minor Illusion to confuse the creature, Caleb casting Firebolt soon after. The others start using their own ranged attacks. Molly attacks and is instantly rendered unconscious by the giant. Multiple attacks from the Nein later, and Caleb casts Sleep. You cheer as it works, running over with the Nein to finish it off.

As the beast dies, you look over to Caleb, who pulls his hood farther over his face while the crowd screams and you leave the arena.

“Caleb, that was genius.” You say, as the Stubborn Stalk replace you and you hear the cry of a wyvern. They finish their fight, most of the team unconscious by the end of it.

“Raise your arms, for today on this Harvest Close, you are the victors!” Shouts Jermai Kull, and the crowd cheers, throwing flowers and bits of rice down at you.

At the other side of the arena, several people in robes approach, carrying a chest full of the divided gold. You all separate the money, get 200 pieces each. It’s more than you’ve ever had access to, and the amount is a little overwhelming.

As you’re taken back to the holding area, Molly groans, “I don’t suppose there’s a heal spell on the house?”

The clerics rush over, offering up what little they have left of their magic. You receive some healing yourself, thanking the clerics. You are then led to the lounge again for the afterparty. You spend a fair amount of the party chatting with some higher-ups of Zadash, people you had either commit crimes against, for or both. Once the party is over, you all re-group, deciding to stay in Zadash for another 24-hours before leaving. Molly is desperate to leave, and so are you, but Caleb has some things.

Late in the night, you all head to the Pillowtrove for the night, and you pull Caleb aside.

“Who’s here?” You ask, keeping your voice low,

“What?” he asked, his accent thick as he looks you up and down.

“I saw how you were acting in the arena, so I’ll ask again, and I’ll let it go. Whose hear.”

“Nobody. Just some memory. Not a big deal.”

Bastard. Quoting you like that. You enter the pillow trove, and you quickly become drowsy, listening to Jester talk about her new book Tusk Love. You chuckle as Fjord comes in, having been kicked out by Molly and his “guests”. You fall asleep dreamlessly soon after.

[omniscientwreck]

I know I already sent u a prompt idea but it just hit me that once Essek goes into hiding, him and Caleb could end up easily having a conversation about their experiences, what they missed until they didn’t have it, or techniques, how similar/different their circumstances were, etc. There’s lots of potential (heh) for angst or comedy or both :)

Anyways, do what you will with this info ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

This is a really lovely prompt and I think I took it in a bit of a different direction than you were thinking, but I hope you still like it!

My partner got back last year from studying in another province for 3 years so for nearly half the time we've been together we've been apart so this is a little about that. Please enjoy!

----------

As Essek teleports in, he nearly crumples where he stands from sheer relief. The only thing keeping him from doing so is a fluffy black cat who’s immediately begun curling around his ankles. He lifts the offending creature and stares directly into mischievous green eyes, “Now sir, I understand you are excited to see me. I am glad to see you in good health Ernst but I must insist you allow me to walk unimpeded. Otherwise we’ll have an incident on our hands and you know how long that paperwork takes.” Ernst, who knows nothing of bureaucracy, blinks lazily back.

“It has to be done in triplicate Ernst! I think we’d both rather avoid that headache.” There’s a soft laugh from the doorway as he sets the cat on the ground and he scampers off to bother a sibling.

“I don’t know what you’re laughing at dearest, that’s at least two hours of writing for something that isn’t difficult to avoid in the first place.”

“I know Schatz, I just missed you.” Caleb’s eyes crinkle and they quickly close the distance between them to fade into an embrace.

Pulling back, Essek can’t keep the smile from his face, “I missed you too. I missed this.” The house smells of bread and a light soup, Caleb smells of incense and firewood and he buries his face in his husband’s neck.

“You’ve been gone a long time, why don’t we eat? Tell me about your travels.”

Some time later, after he’s gone through the series of failed leads that had led to his eventual success in locating another beacon, untouched and unknown by the Dynasty, he lands on what’s really bothering him. “It’s much different than I expected, being in hiding that is.”

“Ja, I know that feeling well. The first few years, before I met Veth, it was very solitary.”

Essek nods, “It’s so strange, to be reading and to have a thought I can’t voice to you immediately. I had gotten so used to this, something I never thought I’d have, and now I find myself talking to empty rooms more often than not.”

Caleb nods, “Ja, sometimes when there was a knock at the door something in me would try to find a rational way for you to be on the other side of it. I remember that loneliness too, I would go weeks without using my voice in the warmer months, sleeping on the outskirts of cities and towns scrounging by on stolen food.”

An old bruise on Essek’s heart squeezes. They’ve told each other everything over the years, he doesn’t think there’s an aspect of his own long life that he hasn’t gone over with Caleb. In turn Caleb has gifted his story to Essek in chunks, as it had been bearable to talk about it. Every wound and scar, every silver lining and bright spot amidst so much darkness.

Caleb never deserved any of that. “I would almost prefer I didn’t have to use my voice. I cannot for the life of me keep names consistent with disguises. I had given out three variations on the same name in one city and had to leave when I saw two people I’d spoken with conversing.”

He earns a laugh with that, hearty and low in the chest. It’s his favourite sound, he’s missed that too. “Yes Mr. Lord Lord from around, we all know how you are with your personas. At least you have the benefit of disguise magic.”

He joins in the laughter then. Thinks back to a memory that is still accompanied by a dull ache, but that he can now look back on with a twinge of fondness. That version of him had been so lost, so sorely in need of guidance. He’d gotten what he needed, he is working towards better now, he’s taken care of his younger self and that feels good in a way.

“There are so many things I didn’t know to be thankful for. Even something as simple as walls and a roof to contain heat, or the padding of the cats’ feet.” He hears a cup rattle to the ground, “Hanz, if that’s broken it will come out of your paycheque.” he calls into the next room as a tortoiseshell cat bolts away from the scene of the crime.

Caleb just laughs again and Essek savours the melody. He’s missed the glow of the amber lights that float around the dinner table, the stacks of notes or stray books that litter every available counter surface, Caleb.

His wizard reaches across to take his hand, “I am glad you’re back Schatz. Now don’t think I haven’t noticed the limp you’re walking with. Let me take a look before we retire.”

He rolls his eyes, but the truth is he’s quite injured. “Fine.” he huffs and Caleb laughs at his put on annoyance. “It was dire wolves. They caught me off guard.” His eyebrows knot and he leaves to get warm water, soaps, and cloths.

“Schatz this is a deep bite, perhaps I should notify Jester?”

He shakes his head, “We went through all of Aeor without them, I will be fine.”

Hissing at the warm water poured over puncture wounds, Caleb starts talking again to distract him. “One of the things I used to miss was my name. I think this one suits me now, but that’s because people know Caleb. For a long time nobody knew me by a name and those who knew Bren were a danger to me. It’s strange to lose something as arbitrary and as important as a name.”

Essek nods, “My name was power in my corner for a very long time. Now it is just a bitter reminder in some ways. But I like how it sounds when you say it so I will keep it.”

Caleb smiles down at him, pressing a blessed kiss to his forehead and continues to wash and wrap his wound. “I missed you Caleb.”

“I missed you too Essek.”

“I will have to leave again one day.”

“I know Schatz, I will be here when you get back.”

“I will always come back.”

His wound is wrapped, their bed is warm. Before falling into his trance he curls back into Caleb’s chest and thinks that it will be a while before he can bear to leave again now that he has someone to miss.

[spacetickles]

The Mighty Nein: Tickle Headcanons

no one asked for this but I liked making the TAZ headcanons so much I did it anyway. 

the mighty nein from most ticklish to least ticklish

Caleb

A ticklish baby, he thought he grew out of it in the years since his academy days, but alas. He is ticklish everywhere, it cannot be helped. His worst worst spot (not a hot take at all) is the tops of his ribs, he cannot handle it. He’s definitely the number one victim of tickle attacks out of the nein, they all love getting their wizard to laugh. Caleb is a bit new to tickling, it's been a good long while since he’d known positive touch, but he warms up to it quickly. 

He cannot ler to save his life, lord knows he’s tried, he’s just so bad at it. It’s very very rare he gets the actual confidence to do a good job and it crumbles the minute revenge is even thought of

Essek 

Second most ticklish of the nein, and who’s surprised? It has to be a wizard thing. His worst spot is probably his hips or his legs, though his feet are definitely bad. He thinks tickling is so undignified, he says he’d rather fight a dragon solo, but the nein can see right through his lies. He not so secretly loves it. 

His ears twitch if you tickle anywhere near them and it’s adorable.

He is a better ler than Caleb but only marginally. Mostly because he’s so damn easy to overpower, just flops right over and takes it.

Fjord

He says he’s not ticklish but he’s also really bad at keeping the fact that he’s stupid ticklish a secret. His stomach and sides are 100% a weak spot, and is actually one of his favorites too. He didn’t really even know he was ticklish until he met Jester and the nein. 

This man can Tease, his ticking skills need some work, but he more than makes up for it with the teasing, it’s inescapable and no one is immune, NO ONE. 

Molly

Ticklish and loves it, he is a little slut for tickles and we love him for it. His back, tail and hips are definitely the worst. He says his hips are, but it’s only because he can’t handle his back and tail being tickled, he just becomes a pile of purple goo. 

The biggest ler next to jester, his tail is a weapon and he knows it. It's surprisingly effective as a tickle tool, just pointed enough, but not sharp, it feels similar to a pen or a chopstick. Even without his tail, he is killer, he knows everyone’s spots by heart and he could rival Fjord at teasing, and when he teams up with Jester, with the traveler as their witness no one goes untickled.

Jester

In comparison to some of her teammates she’s not all that ticklish, pretty much right in the middle. Her thighs and her stomach are the worst spots, though her tail is also pretty ticklish. She is very very comfortable with tickling, she has absolutely no shame, I am HERE for the “all tieflings are knismos” agenda, and Jester was raised by her mumma, who is equally shameless about tickling. She simply cannot be flustered by it, the only one to have succeeded in getting her flustered is Fjord. 

The undefeated tickle queen of the nein. Any tickle fight she wants to win, she will win. She loves tickling others as much as she loves being tickled, and frankly Adores how squirmy non-tieflings are on the topic. She could just talk about it for hours, but everyone but Molly always gets so red, she thinks it's funny. 

Beau

She will eat you alive, don't touch her. She's only ticklish in a few spots, her sides being the number one spot. But for the first little while she did not let the nein even close to tickling her. But once Jester gave her some puppy dog eyes she couldn't say no anymore. Don't let that fool you she absolutely loves it, she just isn't used to it, and was way too attached to looking tough. 

A wicked ler, she will absolutely use her monk shit, and paralyze her lee. She's really rough, and it can be unpleasant, but fjord, caduceus and yasha have been working to get her to be a little softer. 

Caduceus 

Mr zen cow man I loooovve you. He's not very ticklish, but his ears and neck can really get him giggling. His hands are surprisingly sensitive too. He’s used to his siblings knowing exactly how to get him to scream, so he’s not exactly threatened by the nein, he just lets them go for it, hes ticklish enough to satiate their curiosity without finding any of his bad spots, but he can also just pick up the ler and turn the tables just that easy. 

He's a really soft ler, and specializes in sleepy cuddly tickles. Plus he is so big and fluffy that he can just give his lee butterflies with, like, no effort. Up until when caduceus tried tickling him, no one knew essek could purr. 

Yasha 

She's not very ticklish, but if she's tired and off her guard, her stomach can get her giggling a little. It makes her a little sad she isn't as ticklish as some of the others, but she's more than willing to make up for that by being the ler. 

Another soft ler, she doesnt know her own strength, so she's extra careful with tickling. It's almost unbearable how soft she is, unlike caduceus, her soft tickling is the kind that lights every nerve up with lighting, and goodness she teases, though she isn't particularly smooth it’s all so endearing mixed with the unbearably soft tickling, she is one of the best lers in the nein, up there with Molly and Jester. 

Veth

Veth is not ticklish at all, and she lords this over the rest of the nein by being the biggest shit. She's little and hard to catch and she uses this to her advantage, anyone with a tickle spot from hips down is in danger of random attacks, and spots higher than that are susceptible to mage hand attacks. And the best(worst) part is that no one can get her back, since she is not ticklish in the slightest. (unless you are Yeza, in which case he knows her one secret spot and has been sworn to secrecy on it)

[malaismere]

Campaign 3 Predictions - Compiled

So, as a fan of compiling statistics, I've been keeping track of race/class predictions for campaign 3 for the past...at least a year, from tumblr, reddit, and twitter. with EXU over, and my spreadsheet hitting 400 (?!), I figured I'd share the fandom's current predictions

Travis

Human (30), Dwarf (29), Elf, Shifter (11), Half-Elf (10)

Cleric (103), Bloodhunter (63), Wizard (50), Fighter (49), Druid (46)

Lycan bloodhunter (41), Forge cleric (26), War cleric (16), Eldritch Knight fighter, Bladesinger wizard (14)

Marisha

Elf (16), Genasi, Tiefling (14), Dwarf (13), Dragonborn (11)

Paladin (112), Rogue (53), Fighter (43), Cleric (40), Warlock (37)

Eldritch Knight fighter, Glory paladin (14), Artillerist and Armorer artificer, Battlemaster Fighter (8)

Liam

Dwarf (25), Halfling (18), Tiefling (13), Elf (12), Warforged (11)

Druid (77), Cleric (72), Bard (71), Fighter (59)

Stars druid (16), Dreams druid (10), Eloquence bard (8), Alchemist artificer, Whispers bard, Twilight cleric (7)

Sam

Dwarf (34), Kobold (24), Goliath (17), Warforged (15), Kenku (13)

Sorcerer (106), Cleric (98), Druid (63), Wizard (47)

Wild Magic sorcerer (61), Wild Soul barbarian (14), Twilight cleric (8), Life and Forge cleric, Wildfire druid, Divination wizard (7)

Laura

Elf (21), Human, Tabaxi (19), Genasi (15), Gnome, Aasimar (10)

Barbarian (75), Sorcerer (74), Bard (64), Warlock (60)

Wild Soul barbarian (14), Wild Magic sorcerer (12), Glamour bard (10), Shadow monk (9)

Taliesin

Warforged (16), Elf, Changeling (14), Gnome, Genasi, Tabaxi (8)

Sorcerer (68), Rogue (65), Warlock (55), Bard (45), Wizard (43)

Aberrant Mind sorcerer (18), Whispers bard, Phantom rogue, Soulknife rogue (11), Mastermind rogue, Clockwork sorcerer (9)

Ashley

Elf (26), Human (18), Tiefling (17), Half-Elf (12), Dwarf (11)

Rogue (95), Bard (91), Monk (43), Ranger (41), Warlock (38)

Swashbuckler rogue (21), Glamour bard (13), Mercy monk (9), Drunken monk, Wild Magic sorcerer (8)

I also (although less consistently) collected continent/setting predictions. Marquet was the top (49), then Issylra (29) and the Shattered Teeth (22). For non-continent settings, some form of Spelljammer was the top (19), followed by the Age of Arcanum (17), and Planescape/Planehopping (15). Underdark, Ravenloft, Blightshore, and a return to Tal'Dorei were also suggested multiple times.

Much longer and rambly discussion (and my own predictions) under the break.

Top predicted races were Dwarf, Elf, and Human (~100). Dwarf and Elf haven't been played before, so that tracks, and I don't think it's out there to assume we'll get at least one human again. Also, post the whole thing with Essek and long rests, people really started jumping on Elves (which, fair). Warforged, Dragonborn, Tabaxi, Genasi, Tieflings, and Changelings all are pretty prominent (~50).

Of the races not yet established as existing in Exandria, Warforged and Changeling were the most popular (Warforged now dubiously canon post-Aeor, and Changelings dubiously canon with the LoVM bartender), followed by Shifters, Leonin, Kalashtar, Fairies, Grung, Ravnica races (Loxodon, Simic Hybrid, Vedalken), Van Richten's Races (Dhampir, Reborn, Hexblood). Locathah and the other Feywild/Strixhaven races are the only officially published races at 0 suggestions. The lowest previously seen race is Gobins at 2, one of which was for Sam again, and the lowest PHB race was Half-Orc at 17.

Class wise, Sorcerer was actually the most predicted class (which kind of tracks, as it's the one that hasn't shown up even as multiclass), followed by Cleric (generally assumed as compulsory), Paladin (only as a multiclass), and Rogue (also assumed as compulsory, but way less so. Not surprisingly, Bloodhunter, Ranger, and Artificer were the lowest.

Wild Magic Sorcerer was far and away the most suggested subclass, the only one to break 50, although it hasn't hit 100 quite yet (I think it will by the time the final characters are announced though). EK Fighter, Lycan Blooodhunter, Forge Cleric, Swashbuckler Rogue, Wild Soul Barbarian, Stars Druid, Glamour Bard, Bladesinger Wizard, Eloquence Bard, and Echo Knight Fighter are the other top subclasses.

Every official subclass has been suggested except for Berserker Barbarian, Grave Cleric, and Transmutation Wizard (previously played), Battlerager Barbarian and Banneret/Purple Dragon Knight (SCAG subclasses, which are widely unpopular), and the dubiously-official Planeshift subclasses. Open Seas Paladin is the only Matt homebrew to not be suggested at least once. For dead UA, Satire Bard, Brute Fighter, Giant Soul and Stone Sorcerer, and Raven Queen Warlock have all been suggested, usually only once, although many of the suggestions were collected while classes were in UA for Tasha's, Van Richten's, and Fizban's which is technically still UA but announced so...

With Travis, the predictions bounce between two main ideas - a melee spellcaster (Forge/War/Tempest cleric, Bladesinger/War wizard), or going back to a melee class (Bloodhunter, Fighter) but with a bit more mechanical interest (Lycan, EK/Echo/Rune/Battlemaster). I think those are both solid predictions, and while I really, really doubt we'll see a Lycan bloodhunter or a Forge cleric, I think the general vibe is probably spot on.

My own prediction is one of the more out there, but still in line with the general thinking - Artillerist Artificer. Travis is definitely a very tactical player, and it would be cool to see him get a turret for the battlefield, plus all the general utility/versatility of the artificer. Alternatively, I really could see a rogue, although more like what Mastermind or Inquisitive is trying for as opposed to how they actually turned out, if that makes sense.

Race wise, the top guesses are fairly plain, outside of shifter (which is mostly tied into the "werewolf" vibe). None of them would shock me, but I don't have any predictions.

I think that everyone's right on the money with Marisha as a paladin. Her next character being high charisma seems spot on, and I think moving to a half-caster also tracks. EK/Echo/Rune/Psi fighters would also fit, although they don't lean towards high charisma, or a warlock, maybe a more melee one.

Rogue seems unlikely purely due to the fact she's played one before, kind of. Matt and Marisha have both talked some, but her first game wasn't Vox Machina, but a previous game Matt had run where she'd played an assassin. You can do non-assassiny rogues, but still.

(Other fun facts about this game because it's wild: apparently the session she sat in on before playing involved half the party getting eaten by ghouls. the party joined up with another half-tpk'd party (marisha and the replacement characters) to get the raven queen to bring their dead friends back, and a fate-touched rogue swore service to the Raven Queen in order to bring the last party member back.)

My prediction for Marisha is also paladin, although I don't have any thoughts on the subclass, with genie warlock as a second because they are fun. No real thoughts on race other than I too would love to see tiefling Marisha.

Most people are going with a support caster for Liam, which I totally buy. Caleb definitely leaned towards support caster, even if he usually did end up played as DPS. Druid has taken the top given the polymorph->wildshape vibe, although it's still very yclose with Bard and Cleric. Suggestions for fighter dropped after EXU, and while Liam does play a lot of fighters, I doubt we'll see it for C3.

Honestly, Liam is the one I have no predictions for outside of 'support caster'. I'd lean away from Cleric and towards Druid or Bard, but it's hard to say. I also think Artificer deserves to be in the running, as it seems like something Liam would really enjoy, but also...might not want to go Int-caster to Int-caster. My only real thought on race is that I want to see whether Marisha and Liam choose the same again.

Top guesses for Sam is, far and away, Wild Magic Sorcerer. This was also the top guess for C2. I do not think Sam will play a Wild Magic Sorcerer. In general, though, the vibe is going back to fullcaster - Sorcerer, Cleric, Druid, Wizard. I think full caster is probably right.

Sam is so hard to predict because it isn't what he'd choose, but what Liam chose for him. I think it's either something really standard or something really out there, and since I can't guess the really out there, I'll go for the standard - Elf Wizard or Dwarf Cleric, leaning towards Dwarf Cleric, due to the support class and the fact that Sam's mentioned never playing a religious character.

The main vibe for Laura is definitely "DPS" which is understandable. I don't know if I agree with it, but I understand it. Aside from Barbarian, the rest of the vibe is spellcaster - and I don't think we'll see a completely no magic character from her either.

Prediction wise...I understand barbarian, but I'd actually go with Ancestor or Beast over Wild Soul. I could actually see a Bloodhunter from her too, although leaning away from Vex vibes. I think I'd want to go with Wizard, though I'm not certain on that. I would bet Tabaxi but idk, I could see her avoiding that for Travis' sake.

Everyone always names Taliesin as the hardest to predict (he had the lowest count at 354, under even Ashley at 365, to everyone else's ~380/400) but I don't think he's harder to predict than Sam. The thing that makes him hard to predict is that he likes to build characters to fit the party, which he (probably) won't be doing, same as with Molly. The other main thing he tends towards is mechanical complexity in a way that suits his characters.

The main driving influence in the top suggestions is Eldritch Weirdness. Aberrant Sorc, Whispers Bard, Phantom Rogue, Warlock in general. I don't disagree with any of the subclasses, but I really don't think he'd go eldritch for eldritch sake, if for at the very least being...he has always been this weird and it's yet to be a driving force behind any of his characters before. Like the Taliesin-is-an-elder-god thing, I think this is mostly people who don't hang out around occultists. Look, I've had multiple people sell me their actual souls, and you don't see all my characters being warlocks.

That being said, I don't think I disagree with the top classes, just the subclasses. I definitely agree with Sorcerer as a good choice for him, although I'd actually go Clockwork, as I think it has a fuck-with-the-DM vibe. Taliesin is the most heavily suggested for dunamancy subclasses, which wouldn't surprise me, but I think he might avoid on the sole point of not wanting something too tied with the last campaign. A lot of people also name the psionic subclasses, which I'd be more likely to second if they had kept the weird mechanic from the UA, but don't disagree with, excepting my issue with Aberrant Mind.

My out there guess is that he's going to choose a multiclass build. He definitely enjoys playing around with weird builds (Owlbear, he did a non-CR oneshot as a monk/stars druid). On the one hand, a lot of these builds work best for oneshots or starting at higher levels, as they can take a bit of time to come online, but with such a large party, I think it will still function.

(my actual prediction for Taliesin is that his character is weirdly reminiscent of either the aasimar echo knight or the elf blood cleric from the exandria game I'm running.)

Ashley is being predicted as a Dex/Cha build, and I'm totally here for it. Pre-Fearne, I was leaning Ranger, especially Fey Wanderer for a fey build, but post-Fearne, I'm going Rogue, especially Swashbuckler. I agree that seeing a high Cha Ashley would be great, especially to let her be more center-focused than Yasha had been, and swashbucklers are just...really fun. Also, the whole Aeor arc really left me wanting to see Ashley as the go-ahead-and-scout character, just to watch her push buttons.

For continents...I understand why people are guessing Marquet, since it's currently the most explored. I think that if they're going to do Marquet, then Matt will sit down with a cultural consultant. I say will over should, because I won't make any value judgements, but I think it's in line with what Matt and CR would do in that situation.

I can't really tell whether this is a prediction or what I'd like to see (the two are distinct but often difficult to untangle) but I'd actually go with Issylra, and specifically playing up the (at least initial) set up of explorers and adventurers heading out into the wilds. I will also place my bets on them having some sort of more steady home base, and my hopes on that they get an airship. My wildest out there guess is that the plot will move towards either planescape/spelljammer in the upper levels, tying into some of the seeds from the end of C2.

I have seen a handful of people predicting table seating order, which is both very minor and also the thing that I may be most interested in. A while back, someone made a post pointing out that the main romantic relationships were all cross-table, while the strongest platonic relationships were same-table or side by side. Because I am the sort of person that I am, I did statistical analysis on ao3 fics....and it's statistically significant. So I am trying to see whether or not, based purely on C3E1, I'll be able to predict what the top ships for the campaign will be.

This rambling has mostly gotten out of hand because I don't have much opportunity to talk about this, but, you know. If you send me predictions I will give you the current odds gambling style, so that you'd know how much you'd win if you'd place a bet, because I did the tables up as a joke for something else and now I kind of want them to be used for something.

[saphirered]

Caleb, Essek and SO go back to Aeor after the campaign. SO is the muscle who keeps their squishy wizards safe for the journey. But something happens and now this warrior is also a wild magic sorcerer. How do they all cope?

Aeor’s been fun, even better that you get to go for a good dungeon crawl with your favourite wizards. You’ve found many new areas, many artefacts, and so many things Essek and Caleb have been fawning over ever since getting their hands on it; all the new precious shinies. Of course there had been plenty of incidents to accompany all of this. Wild magic surges are unavoidable when you’re running amuck with not one but two powerful wizards. You’ve been in the thick of it just as much as them. You were quick to find out these ‘side effects’ of spellcasting can have a ranged effect just as much as they can affect the individual casting said spell.

A wall of force holds back several creatures blocking off one path. Essek’s fighting back two, hold monster keeping one out of his range while he slings spell after spell at another. Caleb’s not doing great so you do what you can to keep the beast attacking him distracted, though these creatures are prone to attacking spellcasters over anyone else and that happens to be Caleb. You’re not reliant on magic to harm your enemies.

“Essek!” You shout over to the drow hoping he can be of any help as Caleb takes yet another hit. If this keeps going you’ll be short a wizard and with that damn monkey preventing any healing magic to take effect there’s not much you can do to save him if he down. You’re not sure how long you can keep this going yourself and you’re pretty sure Essek and Caleb are running out of spells.

No matter what, Caleb needs to keep concentration on that wall of force. If that goes down you’re all screwed. At the middle of the crossroads there’s one more gate but it’s closed and neither of you had the chance to reach it before you got ambushed. Caleb stumbles, you grab him around the shoulder pushing him behind you in the hopes at least you’ll be able to shield him from more damage. Lucky for you this creature isn’t doing so hot either so you’re on equal ground.

Purple glowing darts whistle past you striking the creature in front of you. It growls in pain as they explode. It lashes out at you and with no way to avoid the blow, you take it. Damn that hurts but you stay your ground, coming back around with a hit of your own. Caleb takes a few steps back releasing magic missiles of his own and that combined with your final strike, is enough to take down the hulking creature.

Reassuring you he’s fine Caleb leans on a piece of rubble to catch his breath. You don’t buy it. You have to get that door open. You have to but the moment Caleb steps out to take out the gem, the creatures will forget about Essek and come for him instead and that’s just something both you and Essek will not allow. So, you sit Caleb down behind the rubble away from view of the open hallway should anything have found its way around.

“You stay here and take cover. I swear, if you’re going to be stubborn about it I’ll feed you to these Aeorian hunters myself!” You hold Caleb by the shoulders. Wether it is because he sees reason in your argument to stay out of the fray or because he has no energy left in him to argue, you don’t know but Caleb nods. Good. You kiss the top of his head before you step back.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Caleb calls after you holding his shoulder in pain watching you turn your attention to Essek and the oversized monstrous cat he's fighting.

“Because there is so much you wouldn’t do.” You return sarcastically running at the creature getting a little too close for comfort for Essek. The drow jumps back to avoid a claw strike. You slide down on your knees to avoid the claw yourself, in the momentum swinging your blade at the vulnerable extended arm of the creature. It tries to bite at you but you’re back on your feet quickly, side by side with Essek.

“We have to do something. We’re not going to last like this.” Essek glances over to the injured Caleb. He’s fully aware you’re right. You have to do something and do it fast. The panther-like creature bites at Essek but you interpose your sword making it bite down on the metal instead. The action angers the creature enough to swipe its claws at you. A sharp warm sensation cuts through your skin. Good thing you’re high on adrenaline to keep the pain mostly at bay. You come back around moving to its side flank and cut your sword through the eyestalk tail. The creature screeches in pain as Essek finishes it off with a a ray of frost.

“I can’t contain that thing much longer. Swords are not going to be much good in this anymore.” You’re inclined to agree as with the last creature Essek’s got restrained had previously proven you do not want to be anywhere near it. It almost took you down in a single swipe. Imagine what it can do when you’re already bloody and bruised.

“You must get that door open at any cost. I got this.” Essek passes you the access gem you’d used for any previous doors you came across. “Be careful.” You nod. It rests upon you now and you’ll have to work quick.

“You too.” You offer him a quick kiss as Essek turns his attention back to the creature restrained by his spell and anything else that might show up in the distance, prepared for the worst.

You run to the door swipe the gem across the pad. It doesn’t work. You try again. Nothing happens. The gem in the wall lights up but the door remains closed. It’s done that before at other places and you come to the conclusion your key doesn’t give you access to this ward. Okay, that’s bad but like Essek said; at any cost. taking the pommel of the dagger you keep on your side you slam into the gem embedded in the wall with every ounce of force you can muster. The gem cracks and you see the light beginning to bleed through. You strike again. And again. And again. Over and over as shards go flying. Then, one final blow the gem explodes in vibrant light. You’re thrown back like a rag doll.

Disoriented everything is brighter around you for some reason and you’re having trouble making out any detail. Wisps of light floats in front of your face and you bat it away as the familiar purple eyes stare into you with concern, a hand touches your cheek as you’re lifted to your feet with some difficulty. Ugh, what happened and why does your head feel so light? Your arms are wrapped around two sets of shoulders and you’re all but dragged through a doorway and into a space you haven’t seen before.

Placed against the wall, one figure leaves your side while the other stays. This time it’s a blurry haze of orange that appears in front of you. Like a distant echo you hear screeching and howling, through the ground you feel pulses like heavy footsteps hitting metal. What the hell is going on? You blink away the effect and there’s a constant ringing in your ears. You see a concerned Caleb trying to keep you conscious, talking to you but his words fall upon deaf ears. He turns his head away from you shouting something in the direction the other figure; Essek had gone in. You turn with him and see Essek desperately trying to close the door.

You need something. At least your brain says you need something. All you can think is orange. Orange and silver for some reason. You search your brain just to get some clarity. Orange stone. You need amber. Three silver pins. That’s what you’re looking for. You pull at Caleb’s sleeve repeating the components. Caleb thinks you’re in some kind of delirium as this has no correlation to anything and you have no reason to ask for these components as they’re no use to you anyway. He’s sorry but you’ll have to wait. Your wellbeing and the safety of Essek and you are more important than fulfilling your request right now.

When he doesn’t give you what you want and shuts you down in a careful manner, in favour of his panicked conversation with Essek you decide to take the components yourself. Grabbing the component pouch you search for the materials and Caleb while confused lets you be. He’s got bigger things on his mind right now. Once you have what you need you get up. The wizard tries to stop you as you wobble to find your balance but you’re stronger you repeat the words in your mind, accompanied by the motions. Caleb shouts out to Essek you’re under some kind of effect and the drow tries to stop you. You don’t, not even when Essek holds onto you to prevent you from stepping out further. The words finally spoken out loud, the motions correct, albeit not very practiced, a lightning bolt arcs towards the creatures coming in your direction.

Hitting the first creature the lightning bounces between the others in the near vicinity. The creatures howl and screech in pain. Hand outstretched you have no idea what the hell just happened but the creatures scurry away as the door falls closed. Both Essek and Caleb look at you as if you’d just grown a second head. You realise everything is so bright, even brighter than before because you are. You’re literally glowing lighting up the entire space. Essek has trouble looking at you directly shielding his eyes.

“Essek, Caleb, what’s happening to me?” You try to brush off the glow from your person but it sticks remaining ever so bright. Now it’s your turn to panic. The wizards confused, cannot help but be curious about what may have caused all of this. Essek wraps his arms around you and pulls you close as you try to wrap your head around the last few moments. The embrace is loaded with emotion that makes you question the gravity of the situation you thought it to be. Was it that much worse? What did you miss?

Caleb quickly gathers his components and gets to summoning the tower. Right now you need a safe space to get this all sorted. What you don’t know but your wizards got to experience first hand was the time between you being thrown across the hallway and you waking up. It wasn’t good and a conversation definitely needs to happen. By the time the doorway appears the glowing has subsided and you’re grateful it has because e you don’t know how much longer your eyes could take. Is this how Essek feels any time you’re out in the bright sunlight? You imagine he's in the same boat as you but that doesn't prevent him from keeping you close, even if he has to shield his eyes.

You’re sat down on a couch and both Essek and Caleb scan you over, making note of all injuries you sustained, but they find them mostly healed over, just the faint marks remaining of freshly healed wounds. The two of them share a look that has you growing worried. They ask you all sorts of questions. What do you remember? What did you feel? How do you feel now? Do you remember events in your past? Your birthday? The names of your friends? You answer all questions correctly and they feel safe to say that by some miracle you haven't sustained any brain damage but that narrows down whatever theories they might have previously had.

“Please just tell me what’s going on. I can’t take this anymore.” You burst out after yet another row of questions.

“Everything is alright, just calm yourself. We’ll figure this out.” Caleb grabs your hands but you pull them free. When you do words escape your mouth. Caleb acts as if he’d gotten a shock or something. He curls his fingers in pain and hesitantly takes one of your hands in his as if he expected to get shocked again. He shares another look with Essek and you’re praying to the gods they’ll just get out with it because you can’t take it anymore.

“We think, you may have experienced a wild magic surge when you burst that gem.” Well, yes that much was obvious, right? You hit the gem, gem went boom, you got thrown across the room and…. oh… yeah… that looks bad. Maybe more happened that you just taking some bludgeoning damage from your impact.

“And we suspect you might have absorbed some of that energy… As displayed by your instinctual casting of a chain lightning spell not only out of your area of expertise but also surpassing your own previous magical abilities.” Essek treads carefully rubbing circles into your back in an attempt to comfort you as you process. This is not an easy thing to just take in and accept.

“So I’m like you now?” You ask confused about what this all means. You’re a fighter. You use weapons. Your spellcasting abilities are limited. Or they used to be according to what Essek and Caleb told you. Granted, you hadn’t magically forgotten how to wield a a sword or how to fight. That just doesn’t make it any easier to wrap your head around it.

“Yes and no. If this is as we expect you won’t be spending hours studying and copying spells into a spellbook. Instead you’ll grow into it more through a naturally sourced connection to the innate side of magic.” Caleb elaborates. He doesn’t have a vast amount of knowledge on innate magics developed naturally instead of through rigorous study but he grasps the concept well enough.

“So how long will this last?” You ask. Will this just disappear one morning and you’ll be back to your old self or are you stuck like this now?

“We’re not sure yet. It might pass with time or the wild magic has latched onto your innate capabilities and will further develop.” Essek explains as you lean your head against him. You don’t know what to do and to be completely honest neither do the wizards. They’ve never experienced anything like this before but they love you and will always be there for you. Right now you need some sense of stability so if they can provide that they will. There’s nothing like questioning everything about yourself and your life and they know exactly how it feels. You won’t have to go through this alone. Not if they can help it.

“I won’t pretend we’re experts on the subject but believe me when I say I will be there for you, we will both be there for you no matter what you choose to do. If you want to gain a better understanding of this we will stand beside you. If you wish to find a way to reverse whatever happened, we will scour the worlds just to find a solution.” Caleb kisses your palm as you smile at him. You’re not sure how you feel about all of this but to know your wizards have your back is a comfort you need right now and they happily provide it.

“I think I wish to understand. For now.” You nod to yourself. There’s a certainty and determination both wizards catch onto they recognise from within themselves; a desire to learn and understand what they previously did not. While they certainly wanted to learn more about the cause of your sudden conversion into a sorcerer fuelled by wild magic, they would never press you to do so out of their own selfish natures. This is a choice only you can make and they’ll respect. That doesn’t mean they’re not happy with your decision.

They’re already plotting and planning, figuring out where to start. They look forward to not only understanding your magic, where it came from and how it happened but also to teaching you what knowledge they have. Wild magic can be a dangerous thing as shown by your ventures into Aeor many times over so you’ll need to learn not only how to control and avoid incidents like shocking Caleb on accident, but also assure you’re not flying by the seat of your pants any time you get into a scuffle. The chain lighting incident worked out in your favour but what if the next one doesn’t. It’ll be a long and difficult road but one you can walk together. That’s all you need; your wizards at your side. And this is all just a new kind of adventure.

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

on bren and feeblemind.

(cw: lots of caleb backstory. self-explanatory, i think?)

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this isn’t something i’ve talked about on my blog yet, but since the campaign has begun drawing to a close, i want to make sure i say my piece on the popular theory that bren/caleb was institutionalized because trent ikithon feebleminded him to disable him.

my piece being that it’s exceptionally unlikely he did—at least as a premeditated plan. this kind of theory also falls prey to the exact beliefs ikithon has tried to exploit in caleb.

for our mutual reference, i’ll quote the spell description of feeblemind.

FEEBLEMIND (PHB) 8th level enchantment

Casting time: 1 action Range: 150 feet Components: VSM (a handful of clay, crystal, glass, or mineral spheres) Duration: Instantaneous

You blast the mind of a creature that you can see within range, attempting to shatter its intellect and personality. The target takes 4d6 psychic damage and must make an Intelligence saving throw.

On a failed save, the creature’s Intelligence and Charisma scores become 1. The creature can’t cast spells, activate magic items, understand language, or communicate in any intelligible way. The creature can, however, identify its friends, follow them, and even protect them.

At the end of every 30 days, the creature can repeat its saving throw against this spell. If it succeeds on its saving throw, the spell ends. The spell can also be ended by Greater Restoration, Heal, or Wish.

considering the characteristics described and implied by actors other than ikithon—caleb and astrid prominently—who are not motivated to deceive on ikithon’s behalf, feeblemind is not consistent with caleb’s mental break.

fact the first: when bren broke, he became violent and spellcasted.

when astrid describes the circumstances in which he was taken to the vergessen sanatorium (e89, 1:49:30), she refers to his lashing out as “creat[ing] a lot of sparks everywhere else” and rubs at burn scars across her neck. she says that they had to subdue him because he was too dangerous. all of these statements add up to a bren who was viciously spellcasting at his friends and mentor when he broke down.

this wouldn’t have been possible if he’d been feebleminded. feeblemind explicitly prevents the affected creature from casting spells or activating magic items. in that scenario, the only thing bren would’ve been capable of is throwing hands. from him? not very dangerous at all.

how do we know astrid wasn’t lying or intentionally deceptive? because she (and eadwulf) still cares so much for caleb that she risked her life multiple times to aid him. no one who would give caleb a map to a secret volstrucker vault with her own handwriting on it (e127, 29:29; and 30:57)—or intentionally fail to counterspell him when ikithon could’ve seen her do so—would lie to caleb about ikithon attempting to permanently feeblemind him if she knew.

to preempt the idea that astrid had set the m9 up: it’s very obvious she didn’t, since trent ikithon had clearly had no forewarning of a break-in. he would’ve at least been waiting in the vault, already prepared to subdue them quickly, if he’d known.

so it’s fair to determine that astrid would either be honest to the extent of her knowledge to caleb or make it clear that she couldn’t answer him. since she didn’t imply the latter, we can assume she was being honest. and because of astrid’s competence, it’s highly probable she would’ve noticed if his behavior was symptomatic of feeblemind over the years.

fact the second: bren’s mental condition repeatedly improved and regressed while he was institutionalized.

astrid states this in the same conversation about their subduing him after his breakdown (e89, 1:50:50). considering this with the context of their romantic relationship prior to his breakdown, her genuine care for him, and her rise to power that included accompanying ikithon frequently to the sanatorium (e127, 31:07)—astrid would’ve had the motivation and the opportunities to visit bren in person. she could’ve also kept well-abreast of his condition.

actual times of improvement and decline in the mental state that astrid first observed during his breakdown wouldn’t be consistent with feeblemind. although it reduces the victim’s intelligence score to 1, they still retain thought and their sense of identity without problems.

this is a maintenance of consistency and (relative) reason. feeblemind does not actually damage a person’s basic perception of reality. but the health of bren’s behavior throughout the years was instead very unstable.

fact the third: caleb doesn’t remember anything from the burning of his home up to his healing by the unknown cleric.

in the conversation with astrid in e89, he asks her what happened when he broke and explicitly says, “the last thing i remember is my home” (1:46:58). when he first tells beau and nott about his past, he explains that he doesn’t remember much of what happened to him there (e18, 2:51:54).

beyond the reduction to their intelligence, feeblemind doesn’t affect the victim’s ability to form memories. caleb’s keen mind feat and established narrative element of his eidetic memory would’ve still been present as well. therefore, feeblemind alone can’t explain such a significant, near-empty gap in his memory. he would still remember something.

even the possibility of trent ikithon altering them directly is precluded by the fact that the cleric’s healing removed the alterations to caleb’s memory. if all those years had been magically blocked away, they’d have returned when he was healed of everything else.

fact the fourth: sometimes, people really do just break.

nothing about caleb’s backstory is inconsistent with just... being a person living their life, even a terrible one. he was a young man that believed so zealously in his country and his purpose, abused by a powerful older man, that he did many horrible things and believed they were right. until finally he did something that he couldn’t process and broke down.

there’s two reoccurring, underlying assumptions i’ve noticed behind why this theory seems to be so compelling and popular:

caleb just seems so remorseful and traumatized by his double patricide. there’s no way he would’ve willingly murdered his parents. ikithon must have known and decided to preempt his inevitable betrayal.

everything we know about bren, especially from the horse’s own mouth, suggests that he had been willing (at least up until his mental break) to murder his parents. he was literally an extreme nationalist—a fascist, if you will. he was lawful evil (twitter source). he gratefully executed many “criminals” put in front of him, more than likely by burning them to death based on his ptsd. victims whom we now understand may not have been guilty of anything at all.

he was glad to do what he thought was best for the dwendalian empire, and he truly thought being volstrucker was the correct path. trent ikithon, his abuser, treated him as his favorite (e110, 3:30:58). because he believed.

that fervent faith, in fact, is the key to something like his breakdown in the first place. hearing the dying screams of his parents, bren was forced to confront a violent dissonance between his radical beliefs that condemned traitors (as he believed until the cleric’s healing) and the intuitive horror of murdering his parents that he couldn’t reconcile. this fathomless sense of betrayal is why caleb so deeply despised ikithon and himself.

a young evocation wizard who didn’t want his parents dead would’ve run into that burning house, feebleminded or not. someone magically compelled to set that fire would’ve understood what happened as soon as the charm left him and would definitely remember every detail once the cleric healed him.

caleb is remorseful and traumatized because he willingly murdered his parents. as well as many others.

it can’t be that simple. caleb was institutionalized for eleven years just because his abuser pushed him too far? there must be a more nefarious reason. ikithon even said he basically stored him for later.

putting aside the fact that bren having a breakdown in the way he did makes complete sense for his situation, ikithon’s “claim” that he orchestrated all of caleb’s subsequent years is not only something he never actually says (e110, 3:16:34)—it is a claim that’s patently absurd.

i’ve written meta that discusses this in the past (link here). essentially though, the number of moving pieces and assumptions that would be needed for such a series of events is ridiculously improbable. even assuming that ikithon feebleminded him—so that caleb’s mind would be intact when he ‘woke up’—even assuming that ikithon somehow procured the service of a cleric of the archeart—a banned deity in the empire that would oppose ikithon...

why in the world would he ever reasonably believe that caleb widogast, the man he viciously betrayed and lied to and abused, would do anything to benefit ikithon?

trent ikithon is a mortal man. he has power, yes; enchantment magic, authority, and a history of abuse and manipulation over caleb’s head, yes. but ikithon is a mortal man. not a puppeteer in the sky piloting people’s bodies.

he certainly wouldn’t have led caleb to a whole new family that would change everything about his life for the better. a family that would love him, truly—a family that would help him heal, bear the weight of his guilt, and find a real future waiting for him again instead of a self-destructive end. a family that would fight tooth and nail for caleb’s sake against ikithon.

abusers lie. their biggest lie, the one they always circle back to in the end, is that their victim is unique: that there is something which makes them deserving of abuse, and that their abuser is both right and inescapable.

ikithon is read as honest because he chooses his words carefully and has the self-confidence to believe it. everything he’s claimed about caleb and his past have either been implications that he encouraged others to reach for him or platitudes empty of everything except gaslighting intent.

caleb has escaped. and everything ikithon wants is to convince caleb and his friends that he continues to control caleb’s life, that caleb is special, so he can regain some influence over a man who’s come to command so much power.

the idea that caleb must’ve been feebleminded—that he couldn’t have just had a mental breakdown like so many other prospective volstrucker before miraculously, then strenuously, recovering to create a hopeful future for himself—falls into the trap of validating ikithon’s lies.

trent ikithon didn’t see and believe in caleb’s ‘full potential’ before anyone else did. he didn’t foresee a single ounce of the man’s struggle to put himself back together after what he suffered. caleb was not institutionalized to serve as a toy to one day pull back out of the closet. there was no feeblemind or other secretive plan that could only serve to obfuscate the brutal truth:

ikithon abused a boy until he shattered, and tried to hide the evidence. a crime that he’s committed against countless other children. plain and simple.

so that’s my piece.

caleb widogast—bren ermendrud—was not the victim of a premeditated feeblemind from ikithon, based on the mechanics of the spell. even more importantly, the narrative of his and ikithon’s stories would suffer if he was.

now,

A LOGICAL POSSIBILITY I WON’T DENY.

what if ikithon feebleminded him as a method to subdue him after the breakdown?

this is more or less an alternate theory that’s irrelevant to the points i actually wanted to make. but i want to talk about it anyway because it’s kind of fun.

fact the bonus: bren spent eleven years in the sanatorium.

eleven years is a long time. he would’ve been able to save every 30 days after the initial failed save. the exandrian calendar has about eleven 30-day periods every year. assuming a feeblemind spell cast on him just prior to his institutionalization, that’s somewhere around 121 possible save attempts, give or take a few.

what’s the likelihood of him actually saving? to go through the mechanics:

normally, feeblemind reduces a person’s intelligence score to 1, modifier -5. caleb, as a variant human, possessed the feat keen mind from the beginning both mechanically and story-wise. this would make his intelligence score 2, modifier -4, even after feeblemind.

as a level 1-2 wizard, he would’ve had proficiency in intelligence saves. this would be +2 to his save.

in total, the modifier to bren’s intelligence saves would be -2.

in order to cast feeblemind, trent ikithon would have to have been a minimum level 15 wizard. this leaves two possible proficiency bonuses to determine his spell save dc: +5 or +6.

it’s probably safe to assume that his intelligence score is at least 18–20, likely 20. this would be a modifier of +4 or +5. (his intelligence could be 22+ if matt wanted to be a real dick, but let’s assume otherwise.)

spell save dc = 8 + spellcasting score mod (for wizards, this is intelligence) + proficiency bonus.

this means trent ikithon’s possible spell save dc is somewhere from 17–19.

therefore:

at minimum—17 being ikithon as a level 15–16 wizard with an intelligence score of 18–19 at the time of casting—bren would have to roll a 19 or nat 20 to make the save with his -2 save modifier.

at a dc of 18—ikithon either being level 17–20 or having an intelligence score of 20, but not both—bren would have to roll a nat 20.

at a dc of 19(+), it would be impossible for bren to save without additional bonuses such as bless.

i don’t have the brainpower to calculate some real statistical probabilities, but depending on your opinion of trent ikithon’s probable capabilities at the time of bren’s mental break, he may have been able to save against feeblemind sometime during the eleven years he spent at the sanatorium.

naturally, this has the earlier-mentioned conundrum of remembering that return of clarity once he was healed by the cleric, should ikithon have been retrieved to recast the feeblemind and altered his memories. nevertheless, it may or may not be a fun thought to play around with.

[redjennies]

I agree, I don't think Astrid set them up at all; she just thought Caleb would be able to handle the covert operation. Now I'm worried about what happens next for either consequences for her or a step back in the ties she was reforging with Caleb in order to protect herself.

I absolutely cannot sleep so I am going to answer this ask about Astrid because I have Thoughts about why Astrid not betraying the party is a more interesting storyline and it really comes down to two things: the first being that everyone expects Astrid to betray the party and the second being that the Nein really haven't ever had to deal with collateral damage.

to me, it's more of a twist if Astrid isn't trying to screw them over. of course, I don't think her helping Caleb is entirely altruistic. she has her own ambitions and ulterior motives, but I also think there's a real temptation there that might go beyond just using Caleb to her advantage against Trent. Astrid is an incredibly smart and ambitious woman who has spent her entire life caught in someone else's web and tried to make it her own because there's never been a viable exit. the narration has implied that Astrid is watched constantly. maybe she doesn't want to be a good person or whatever, but I did get the feeling after that dinner that she was much more affected by the Nein's presence than she was in that initial meeting with Caleb. it was a different light. Caleb wasn't just coming to her and telling her things she already knew and being pitiable; instead, he was a different way of being, contrary to everything Trent had taught her. and yeah, I'm putting a ton of stock in "the glimmer," but only because when you make a Nat 20 insight check and the DM tells you something like that, it's usually to communicate that this avenue isn't a total dead end.

so maybe she did actually want to tentatively try to foster trust between herself and Caleb again, maybe primarily in hopes that he will kill Trent and help her get what she wants, but also out of nostalgia and a tiny part of her that wants to believe maybe Caleb and the Nein are right and there are other ways to be. but even trying to get him to help her with her main goal requires trust, which they don't have. so when Caleb comes to her for help, she takes the opportunity to give him all the information he needs for a heist at her own risk. she warns him when Trent is more likely to be there and all the traps laid out, and as you pointed out, she has every reason to believe someone who's had the same spy training as she has and who infiltrated the damn Dynasty should be capable of at least attempting a covert mission without totally fucking it up.

and then Caleb totally fucks it up. granted, it wasn't 100% his fault, but the second things get a little complicated, he starts slamming armored guards against the ceiling and shooting lightning and fireballs all over the place and insisting to the lookouts that everything inside was going exactly to plan when it wasn't. and this is where the collateral damage comes in. it's easy to understand that Caleb was having a moment due to putting himself in a place so deeply associated with his trauma, that he wanted revenge. it's easy to understand that the guards weren't exactly guarding the rainbows and bunnies shrine of the Everlight. but Caleb wasn't really thinking about how this could lead to Trent being alerted and how that could lead to Trent not only walking in on him but Veth and Jester as well. Caleb wasn't really thinking about how if Astrid was genuinely trying to help and didn't sell him out, this could directly lead her getting arrested and executed for treason. (though I'm sure she has some contingency plans for this going awry; she is very clever after all.) still, it was careless and brash, and understandably so, but careless and brash nonetheless. I've said it already but Astrid didn't need to sell Caleb out. Caleb and the Nein did absolutely everything to get caught.

and it's easy to say well Caleb's the good guy and Astrid is literally evil so who really cares if this backfires on her? "she deserves it." but I think there's something more interesting in this than it was violent or who is evil and deserves what. Caleb is grappling with whether or not he can trust Astrid, but he very clearly illustrated in this episode that when things go sideways, Astrid maybe can't trust him. she warned him this would require a delicate approach and he took a sledgehammer to the situation. and to me, that doesn't really matter if Astrid is good or bad. you can't really control other people or truly know their intentions but you can control how you conduct yourself and if you want to be trusted, you have to be reliable and trustworthy. still, I think that concept will land better if Astrid wasn't trying to set them up and really was trying to help her ex-boyfriend steal some necklaces for his mission into the tundra, even if there were ulterior motives and wizard manipulations behind it. I think it's the better plotline if Caleb just massively fucked that relationship up because he was too busy with his own shit and not trusting her to realize it's a two-way street.