#he’s always gonna be a slutty cowboy

[demigoddessqueens]

They did this for me

[mattsfavouritewhore]

Why Her? - Matt Sturniolo

a/n: this is my first fan fic so pls be nice, i made this keeping in mind i might make this a series thing so yes its a bit of a slow burn. Its pretty bad considering it is my first time writing something like this.

Summary: You and Matt have been best friends your whole life, sometimes even more then friends.. so when he gets a girlfriend, you make it your mission to remind him what he's missing.

Warnings: Swearing, angst, fluff, protected p in v and oral.. might make this a partly thing.

part 2 part 3

Matt x Female reader

One of the perks of having a birthday on October 31st is the amazing halloween party's you get to throw. This year, Nick offered to have the party at his place, you, Nick and Chris spent months planning and decorating for the best night of your life, (i mean it is your 21st birthday), as for Matt.. well he had decided to spend his time with his new girlfriend.... Maria. Nick and Chris hated Maria, it was obvious she was clout chasing Matt. She would always ask to be in their videos or post Matt to her social media. They'd only been dating for a few months so obviously Nick and Chris got suspicious when she'd ask so often. You'd never met her personally but anyone who was dating Matt was immediately dead meat to you. But tonight... you were going to meet for the first time.

Nick is currently updating you on the shit talking Maria does behind your back. "I mean she hasn't even met you yet it's all empty threats and boosted egos." You smiled lightly at Nicks comment. "We would much rather prefer it to be you than her." You let out a little giggle. "Let's just get ready to have a goodnight okay. Who knows what will happen tonight." While getting into your costume, you go over your plan in your head: look hot, get drunk, fuck Matt. It was pretty easy, Matt always fell victim to your flirtatious persona, he'd obviously fall for it tonight after seeing you in your corset and mini skirt.

After putting on the finishing touches to your costume, you take a few shots with Nick and not long after people started to arrive, soon enough people were piling through the door in their halloween costumes. Matt had stayed the night at Maria's the night before so he didn't come til a little bit later. Your nerves started to rack up while waiting for him to come so you and a few others did a couple more shots.

"Oh you guys are gonna get fucked up". Chris walked in wearing his Stranger Things inspired costume. "AWWW CHRISSY! YOU LOOK SO CUTE!" As you walk over to Chris you stumble over the floor "woah! looks like someones already a bit tipsy." Just as you look at Chris, Matt walks through the door with his slutty girlfriend. He's dressed up in an extremely attractive cowboy costume, the jeans hug his crotch while the button up flannel shows his chest in the right ways, clinging to his arm... she's obviously dressed as a cowgirl, but the jean shorts give her camel toe and the tied up flannel shows just how uneven her boobs are. You mentally scoff before smiling and walking over to them. "Matt! It's so good to see you" You clumsily walk over to him and hug him in a way that purposely creates tension between his crotch and yours. You back away and look at Maria, throwing her a fake smile. "You must be Maria, it's so nice to meet you" She looks you up and down before throwing a fake smile back "you too... happy birthday" You look back at Matt just in time to see his eyes rake over your figure. "Well you two have fun" Without saying anything else you walk off.

As the night progresses you continue to dance with your friends and enjoying your birthday, every now and then looking at Matt as he looks at you even with Maria by his side. You even made out with a stranger just to get him on edge. The time hits 3am, everyone's sung happy birthday and are slowly starting to leave.. but the house is still more than full with people. You've stopped drinking now but can still feel the alcohol in your system. As you hug some friends goodbye, you see Matt kissing Maria goodbye. You smirk knowing Matt will finally be alone. Matt quickly pushes past you going upstairs and into his room... it was obvious he didn't want to be alone with you, but like hell were you gonna let him get away with that.

"Didn't even say happy birthday to me" you pout as you walk into his room. "You don't need a happy birthday from me, why are you in my room." You can see he's putting up a fight in his head whether or not to make eye contact or not. "I haven't seen you in a while, you don't talk to me anymore." You were serious now. It hurt not talking to Matt. "I have a girlfriend now." You scoff. "So that means you can't talk to me?!" "We don't talk. We fuck. And I don't cheat." He was serious, but you didn't care. You sat on his bed. "Why her." "W-What?" He looks up at you. "Why her. Why not me. I know you better than any other girl, I know how to make you feel good. Why her." He didn't have an answer.

You look at him right in the eye, "What does she have that I don't." He didn't expect that question from you. His eyes opened slightly before returning to his neutral expression. You crawl closer to him "I mean, she's hot.. but I'm hotter." You stop crawling right in between his legs. "You're drunk." You perk yourself right in between his crotch. "I stopped drinking about an hour ago." "Let's get you to Nicks room." "I don't want to be in Nick's room, i want to be in yours." Your hands roam his thighs, his breath hitches as he watches your hands. "Why can't you want me the way I want you?" You were genuinely asking. Before he could answer you place yourself on his lap. "This is wrong" he whispers so close you can feel his breath on your lips. "Then why does it feel so good.. No one has to know, just us." You pepper kisses on his neck, his hands subconsciously finding you waist as his head flies back giving you more access. You pull away causing him to look up. "Take my clothes off Matt." Without a second thought his hands fly to the clips on the front of your corset undoing them all within seconds. As he throws your corset on the floor you start unbuttoning his shirt.

Once his shirts completely discarded you look at him, he obviously can't control himself yet you can see he's thinking about how this will affect his relationship. Your hands find their way into his curls. "One more time Matt. That's all i'm asking. That's all I want. And after this.... you don't have to talk to me ever again." He looks up at you, obviously disagreeing with your words but all he says is "okay, once and then never again." A ping of heartbreak hit you, he was willing to never speak to you again. But you push it aside and place your lips on his, slowly grinding against his jeans causing a wet spot to form. He flips you both over and discards your skirt and panties. He starts kissing down your body, in between your thighs, you gasp and grab hold of his hair. "Doesn't matter how many times we end up here, i'll always devour you." His words meant nothing to you now knowing after this, you wouldn't see him again. You push his head in between your thighs and he immediately pushes his tongue through your folds. "Matt omg- fuck" you begin to moan loudly, no one can hear over the music. He laps his tongue through your folds before finding his way to your clit, kissing it passionately, not long after you clench around his tongue.

He moves away abruptly causing you to whimper at the loss of contact. "If this is the last time, i want this to last a while, i need you to cum in me." His words sent shivers down your spine. He moves back on top of you unzipping his jeans. "Condom." He grabs one from his drawer before putting it on and quickly pounding inside you. He was eager. You immediately become a moaning mess, he kisses you to keep you quiet. "Fuck- taking it so - mmm- so well" He continues to pound in and out of you, the bed frame underneath moving with the movements of his hips. "M-Matt, I'm not gonna last" You feel your stomach tightening around him, your walls clenching him. He throws his head to your neck sucking on the skin to quiet himself. Your hands run through his hair, pulling on it lightly. "One last time. One last time." He starts chanting it to get himself off, tears brim your eyes knowing that he's looking forward to this ending more than it happening. "Matt i'm gonna cum" You push your hips into him causing one last enjoyable ride before the both of you cum in unison. He rolls over panting. You quickly put your clothes back on without saying a word. "Where are you going?" "You said one last time, never again." "That doesn't mean you have to leave." You look at him. "You didn't enjoy that. You didn't want it like I did. I'm better off out of your hair anyways." "cmon i did want it. I just.. Maria-" You cut him off "Why her matt?! I was right here! waiting for you. and you... you chose her." He didn't say anything so you left.

You weren't sober enough to drive home so you walked... you'd come back for your car tomorrow.

A/N: I know this is bad.. it's literally my first time writing something like this so I'll take any feedback i cant get lol.

[macfrog]

moneyball cowboy like me chapter four

part iv of dbf!joel is yours!!! check out my masterlist to find the first three chapters for all your dbf needs. as always, thank you all so much for all the love n support. you guys make writing this series so much fun!! 🤍 i lowkey don't know whether or not i hate this chapter but i had to write it once the idea was in my head 🤷‍♀️ enJOY

pairing: dbf!joel x fem!reader

summary: when joel double-books you and your dad, you decide to teach him a lesson

warnings: 18+ minors dni!!! oral (f receiving), praise kink, lotsa teasing, lil bit of bratty reader, lil bit of dom!joel, age gap (reader is 23, joel is 48), consumption of alcohol, cursing

word count: 4.2k

series masterlist | main masterlist | playlist

You raise your eyebrows at Joel innocently as you push the popsicle deep into your mouth, sucking as far as the back of your throat will allow, before dragging it back out with a pop. A thread of sweet, fruit-flavored saliva strings between the tip of the popsicle and your bottom lip as you pull it away. You run your tongue slowly over your lips and smile at him. He looks pissed. He can’t take his eyes off of you, or your swollen lips, but he looks ready to snap. “I found snacks, by the way,” you lull.

How slutty is too slutty? When you’re going over to your dad’s best friend’s to…Well, you’re not quite sure what yet. You’ve picked out a short blue summer dress, strappy back, with black lace panties underneath. If you’re looking, and the light is right, you can see them through the blue fabric.

Joel would, you know that much. That’s all you really care about.

You’re putting earrings on in the mirror when your dad knocks and edges into your room.

“Where you headed, kiddo?”

“Just out for a drink with Sam. Said we’d have a catch-up at the barbecue, so.”

He narrows his eyes.

“It’s not a date.”

“Hey,” he lifts his hands, “I didn’t say anything. When will you be home?”

“Dunno. Why?”

“I’ll be at Joel’s, so remember your key. Just in case.”

Excuse me? Did he just say –

“Joel’s?”

He nods, sitting down on your bed behind you. You stare at him in the mirror.

“What’s happening at Joel’s?”

“Rangers game. He’s having Bill and Hank and me.”

Just then, your phone buzzes. You subtly lean over and catch a glimpse of the screen before it fades to black again.

Joel: Call me when you’re alone. ASAP

You roll your eyes and let out a low sigh.

“Can you give me a sec, Dad? I think I wanna change my outfit.”

“Sure. I’ll give you a holler when I’m leavin’.”

He shuts your door behind him and you wait until you hear his footsteps recede to call Joel.

“Hey, baby, listen, I’m gonna have to raincheck.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. Something’s come up.”

“Right.” Your tone is muted and flat. On purpose. Joel notices.

“So…we’ll figure somethin’ out, right? You workin’ much this week?”

You scoff. “I dunno, depends on when the next Rangers game is, doesn’t it?”

He’s quiet for a moment. Then he takes a deep breath. “Kid, I’m so sorry–”

“Here I am,” you throw your arms up and march around your room, though you know he can’t see you, “getting ready, putting together the sluttiest-within-reason outfit I own, and all the while you’re gearing up to host my dad and your buddies.”

“…You’re wearing somethin’ slutty?”

“Not anymore,” you huff as you pull the dress off. “I’m changin’ into sweatpants.”

“If it’s any consolation, I’d still be into you in the sweatpants.”

“Shut up.”

He laughs. “I will have them out and gone as soon as the game’s done, and then you can come over, okay? Sound good?”

“And you’ll make it up to me?”

“I intend to.”

“’kay. Just know you’re gonna pay for this.”

He says through a chuckle, “See you later, baby.”

You hang up.

You rake through your drawers for something a little more comfortable to wear, settling for a floral skirt and off-shoulder top. Equal parts casual and suggestive. Perfect for payback.

Joel knows he’s gonna pay. He just doesn’t know when.

“Hey, hon, that’s me headin!” your dad calls up the stairs.

“Wait up!” you reply, grabbing your shoes and hopping out of your room. “I’m comin’.”

“You want a ride to Frank’s?”

“No, I’m coming to Joel’s.”

He watches you struggle down the stairs with one shoe on, brows furrowed. “You wanna…come watch the game? What about Sam?”

“He just cancelled.”

Your dad looks tickled. “Cheatin’ on ya, is he?”

You stand straight, finally having pulled your shoe on, and punch his arm. “I’ll be in the car.”

“Alright…” he mumbles, following you out.

----------

Joel’s face when he opens the door is a picture you never want to forget.

“Hey– I – did not know you were comin’.” He ushers you both in.

“Neither did I,” your dad replies, “she decided last minute. Blew off some date with that boy from Frank’s for this.”

“It was not a…” Your sentence ends with a sigh as you follow him inside, looking up at Joel as you pass. He knows damn well you didn’t even have plans with Sam, never mind a date.

“Big Rangers fan?” Joel calls from behind as the three of you head for the living room.

“Yes,” you reply, trying to sound as matter-of-fact as possible.

“Big enough to schedule a date during the game?”

“I’m sure I’m not the first to do that,” you hiss through your teeth, and he gives you an amused grin.

Bill and Hank haven’t arrived yet. Your dad sits in his usual recliner seat and sighs. You and Joel share the couch, where he turns on you to interrogate you more.

“So, what’s with the change of heart?”

“I, uh…I didn’t know it was this game.”

“And what game’s that?”

“The…Uh…You know. Rangers.” You shrug.

“Name three players.”

“That’s sexist,” you reply, pointing a finger at him.

Your dad cackles, rocking back and forth in the chair. “Beers, Joel?”

“In the fridge,” Joel answers, eyes still on you.

Your dad, who’d be oblivious to a hurricane outside if it weren’t for the warnings on the news, waltzes past the pair of you, locked in a death stare.

“You’re here to cause tr–”

“Trouble, yeah.” You flash him an innocent smile. “You caused it first.”

The doorbell rings and Joel doesn’t move, eyes still dancing all over your body; your shoulders, your hips, your thighs peeking through the slit in your skirt.

Your dad calls through from the kitchen, offering to get it, and you hear the rumble of Hank and Bill’s voices.

When Joel’s eyes meander back up to meet yours, a dangerous look in them, he leans in close. You tilt your jaw to allow him access, but his lips never touch you.

Breath hot on your skin, his Southern drawl whispers, “I started it, and I know how to finish it, pretty girl.”

Then he stands and heads to the hallway to meet his guests. You clamp your legs together.

Bill roars your name when he sees you. “I didn’t fuckin’ know you liked the Rangers!”

You stand and nervously accept his arms over your shoulders, squeezing you so tight it takes your breath away. Joel stifles a laugh in the doorway.

“I just wanted to be around for all the fun,” you almost gasp when he releases you.

Hank is older and smaller in frame, and he gives your hand a little squeeze as he passes by to the couch. “We’re up for it tonight, kiddo,” he smiles sweetly, “it’ll be a good’un.”

“Bill, beer? Hank?”

“Bourbon for me, Joel. Brought my own bottle.” He hands it over.

As your dad squeezes past to join his friends, Joel clicks his fingers at you and jerks his head toward the kitchen. Your jaw falls open with mock offense.

“Dick,” you whisper as you pass.

“Needed help from my waitress with the drinks,” Joel murmurs with a smirk, the two of you heading through.

He opens the fridge and reaches up to grab three beers – Buds, you notice – from the top shelf. His shirt lifts a sliver from the waistband of his jeans, exposing the tan skin beneath.

Your head cocks as you stare at him, gripping onto the worktop, probably more to stop yourself from approaching him than to look casual. But when Joel turns back around, he reads you like an open book.

“Quit starin’,” he mutters, nudging you to shift out of his way.

You don’t budge, so Joel shifts further up the counter. When you slide up to follow him, pinning yourself between him and the marble surface, he scoffs.

“Stop that,” he whispers.

“Stop what? Thought you knew how to finish this?”

“Alright,” he hums, arms reaching around yours to crack the beers open in front of you. Your back is flush against his chest.

“Then,” he mumbles, chin hooked over your shoulder, “we take this,” he reaches for a whiskey glass and Hank’s bottle of Yellow Rose, sliding them over in front of you with one hand. He takes your hands in his, using you like a puppet to pour Hank’s drink.

You can’t help but giggle as his stubble grazes your cheek.

When you turn your head to look at him over your shoulder, you feel an unmistakable swell behind your ass. Joel’s breath falters for a brief second.

You want more. To be frank, you’d take him here and now if it weren’t for his buddies in the next room. But this isn’t about what you want right now. Not yet.

You push off the counter gently, your ass touching Joel’s crotch, grinding into him. His jaw tightens, teeth lock together, and he emits a low growl. He doesn’t move; just stands with his arms around you, hands gripping the worktop, holding you in place as your hips rut on his hardening bulge.

The TV is switched on and you hear a familiar commentator’s voice.

“Joel!” your dad yells from the living room.

“Had your fun?” he grumbles in your ear.

You shake your head. “Not yet.”

He moves his arms then, letting you go, taking his and Bill’s beers and Hank’s bourbon, and backs away. His eyebrows are cocked, and you can’t help the grin that spreads across your face.

You watch him until he disappears into the living room, and snap out of your daze. I’m not here to be wooed by him.

I’m here to make him finish what he started.

When you enter the living room, beer in hand, all four men are literally on the edge of their seats, as far forward as they can get without actually sliding off of Joel’s couch.

You notice a space between Joel and Hank, and slip between the coffee table and Hank’s legs. He moves back to allow you the space to squeeze by and slot in on Joel’s left.

As you fall down into your seat, all eyes glued on the TV screen, your right hand comes up to balance yourself – Who are you kidding? – on Joel’s thigh. The inside of Joel’s thigh.

His head jerks down to stare at your fingers, locked around his leg. Checking nobody’s looking, you move it slightly upward. Closer to his –

“What are you doin’?” he whispers through gritted teeth, low enough that the other men don’t hear.

“Watchin’ the game,” you reply, innocent and sweeter than sugar.

His free hand takes hold of yours and slides it off of his thigh without looking, eyes always on the room around him.

You breathe a laugh as he readjusts in his seat, sitting up awkwardly straight and keeping his legs a safe distance away, parallel to yours.

You’re just getting started.

----------

Let’s be frank about it: baseball is fucking boring.

Well, let’s rephrase. It’s not that you don’t like watching it; you’re sure that, in more appropriate circumstances – relaxing on a lazy Sunday, or at an actual game, where the atmosphere buzzes with excitement – you could enjoy it.

But right now, you’re sat with your dad’s buddies, an ache between your legs that you can’t fix, and the only person who can fix it, is refusing to even look at you.

Given the situation at hand, you can’t really fault him for that. But you’re still a little mad.

When they roar at the screen for what feels like the thousandth time, you decide to take yourself for a quiet jaunt to the kitchen.

“You got snacks?” you ask Joel.

“Cupboard above the microwave,” he replies, gaze locked on the game.

You saunter out of the living room, finishing the dregs of your beer, and place the bottle in Joel’s sink.

Reaching up to search his cupboards, you find one bag of Cheetos and another bag of pretzels. You toss them both on the counter, and they land a little bit away from Hank’s bottle of bourbon.

You pick it up, reading the label. You’ve never really been much of a whiskey drinker, but you’re bored, and it’s here, so you may as well.

You pour a little into the bottom of a glass and lift it to your lips, giving it a good sniff before you take a sip. Your face screws up immediately, swallowing just to get the liquid off of your tongue, feeling it burn its way down your throat.

“You okay in there, kiddo?” your dad calls, hearing your coughing, and you splutter a “Yep!” in response.

Would it taste better with ice, you think? Maybe if you could get used to it, it wouldn’t be that bad. You amble over to Joel’s refrigerator and haul the freezer door open, in search of ice cubes, but finding something even better.

You lift the box, sliding one of them out and unwrapping it. When you knock the freezer door closed with your hip, you strut through to the living room and stand behind the couch in the doorway.

No one notices you sneak in; they’re all waving their fists and yelling curses at the TV.

“What’s goin’ on?”

Four heads turn to give you an update on the game, and three hastily turn back when the crowd suddenly begins cheering.

One head, though, whips straight back to you. Stood in his living room doorway. Sucking on a popsicle.

You raise your eyebrows at Joel innocently as you push the popsicle deep into your mouth, sucking as far as the back of your throat will allow, before dragging it back out with a pop. A thread of sweet, fruit-flavored saliva strings between the tip of the popsicle and your bottom lip as you pull it away. You run your tongue slowly over your lips and smile at him.

He looks pissed. He can’t take his eyes off of you, or your swollen lips, but he looks ready to snap.

“I found snacks, by the way,” you lull.

“Yeah? Good.” He twists back around to face the television, a hand running across his jaw. He shuffles in his seat again, just as awkward as he is uncomfortable.

You let out a quiet giggle and meander gleefully back through to the kitchen.

Not long after, you’re at Joel’s counter eating some of his pretzels when he and your dad stalk through, followed by Bill and Hank.

“Game over?”

“No, kid,” Bill chuckles, “seventh-inning stretch.” He yanks open Joel’s refrigerator and takes three more beers, passing them around.

He perches on a bar stool next to you, bringing a hand down on your back – loving, of course, but in typical Bill nature, kinda painful.

“We ain’t doin’ too bad,” Hank muses as he pours another whiskey, and your dad nods silently.

Your eyes flit between the men, now deep in conversation about the game, then land on Joel, leaning against the doorframe sipping on a beer, his eyes on you.

You lean over the counter, popping your ass out, and make him watch as you open your mouth, extend your tongue, and place a salty pretzel on it, closing your lips around your finger and licking it clean.

His expression never changes. Just watches like you want him to, beer bottle clutched in his fist.

“I’ll take these.” Bill’s hand swings across and scoops up the Cheetos, and before you know it, they’re making their way back out of the kitchen.

Joel’s eyes bore into yours as your dad, Bill, and Hank filter out past him. He’s mad, you can tell that much. He paces over to you.

“Knock. It. Off.” His voice is a low growl.

You shake your head. “No can do.”

He sighs, gripping your wrist. Before you can take a breath, he’s dragging you out of the kitchen and upstairs, where he makes a right and almost shoves you down the dim hallway.

“The hell is your game?” he hisses when you’re out of earshot of the others.

“Having fun, what are you doing?”

“I’m trying to keep everybody from seeing the fun you’re having. Touchin’ and rubbin’, lookin’ at me like that in front of everyone. The damn popsicle.”

“You liked that, huh?”

“You gettin’ off on this?”

“Mhm.” You nod a little too desperately.

“Well, quit it. When we’re alone, fine, do whatever you want. Not when your dad’s watchin’.”

“My dad ain’t seeing none of it and you know it.”

He runs a hand through his hair and brings it down over his eyes. Seeing him this stressed and undone over you, over what you’re doing to him, sends pulses of electricity through your body.

“What the hell am I gonna do with you, girl?”

You shrug. “Maybe you should punish me.”

“Maybe I fuckin’ should,” he spits, turning away from you.

As if just hearing what you said, he turns on his heel, staring you down with an expression you read to mean one thing: he’s fucking considering it.

“Maybe I fuckin’ should…” he whispers again.

You try to keep your cool façade up, but the way he’s looking at you, eyes dark, jaw clenched, towering over you and cornering you against the wall, has you so wet and needy that you can’t pretend anymore.

“Joel…”

Whatever you were about to say is cut short by the sound of heavy footsteps on the stairs. Joel reacts before you do, reaching behind you to pull a door open and backing you into his linen closet, quietly following you in and closing the door again.

There are just inches between you both, pressed chest to chest in the tiny confines of the closet. Joel’s head tilts and listens for Hank’s figure, stumbling back and forth across the landing in pursuit of the bathroom.

“Where’d you say it was, Bill?” he calls downstairs.

“First door on the right, dumbass!” Bill’s voice shouts back up.

Joel’s fist suddenly wraps around the handle, his eyes glued to the wall above your head, listening intently. He’s making sure Hank doesn’t try the wrong door.

Which, of course, he inevitably does.

It rattles some, but Joel’s grip stops the handle from turning. He glares up, shaking his head, mouthing profanities. First door, you fuckin’ moron. You stifle a laugh behind both hands.

“Hank!” your dad’s voice shouts from downstairs. “Not that one, idiot, the one next to it!”

Finally, the door stops trembling.

“I see it now, sure enough,” Hank mumbles, and you both listen to him spill into the bathroom next door.

You let out the breath you’ve been holding in your chest. Joel lifts his hand off of the door handle and places it around your jaw.

“You’re gonna be real quiet, alright?”

He’s speaking so low and so quiet that your eyes track his lips to read the words he’s saying.

“Gonna do what I say and keep that pretty little mouth shut.”

You squirm under his touch, hands gripping his shoulders, desperate for him to kiss you.

Instead, he holds your jaw tight and forces you to look at him.

“Say it.”

“I’ll be quiet,” you breathe, “I’ll be good. Just fucking touch me.”

He runs his tongue along your bottom lip then, asking it to part, and when it does, pulls you roughly against him, free hand dropping to your ass. His tongue battles strong against yours, bittersweet with the taste of beer.

You feel yourself intoxicated with the taste of him, the smell of him, the feeling as his hips purposefully rut into yours. You want him to mark you again, give you something to hide, something to make half-assed excuses over when people spot it. You want him to make you his.

You moan into his mouth, hands finding his hair, and he grips you tighter.

“Shut – the fuck – up,” he snaps between kisses.

He pauses only to listen to Hank tumble out of the bathroom and back downstairs, then gives you a peck on the lips with a cocky smile.

Suddenly he’s at your neck, lips kissing, tongue licking, teeth grazing, and then he’s making his way down, over your breasts, breath hot and unsteady on your heaving chest.

You can hear the booming laughter of the men downstairs. Their shouts and calls at the television. It all echoes up the stairs, floating in under the slit of light from the hallway outside.

Joel’s on his knees now, placing delicate kisses up your thighs. His hands pull your weight onto his shoulders, fingers taking hold of the hem of your skirt and hiking it up. When he reaches your underwear, he looks up, a dark look in his eyes. A question.

“Quiet,” you mutter, nodding, and buck your hips toward him in attempt to hurry him the fuck up.

He smirks at your neediness and kisses you over the lacey fabric of your panties. You bite your lip to keep a moan from escaping your lips. Joel’s eyebrows raise, waiting for you to make a sound. When you don’t, he pulls the fabric back.

He positions himself perfectly at your sex, pulling your thighs a little wider apart over his shoulders. Your head falls against the wall behind you, but your eyes stay locked on him, watching every little move he makes.

He starts by placing his lips against your clit gently, and your eyes roll to the back of your head. He’s soft, warm, but with a hunger for more.

He sucks there for a minute, your hips rolling against his mouth, vision becoming clouded with stars in the darkness of the closet. Your hands tease his hair, gripping and pulling harder the more pressure he applies to your core, the closer he drags you to your high.

When he pulls away, a tiny gasp passes your lips. You expect him to get mad, punish you for making noise, but he just grins to himself and dives back in.

His tongue licks along your folds and you have to bite down on your sleeve this time. It’s no use, your moan breaks free and fills the tiny space, but Joel’s groaning too as he tastes you for the second time in three days.

“So – fucking – good for me, darlin’,” he whispers when he comes up for air, then gets right back to it.

His fingers grip your thighs so tight it almost hurts, keeping you steady. His head drops a little lower, and you feel his breath across your lips.

“Joel,” you moan, and he looks up. “Need your tongue.”

When he drags it between your folds and dips ever so slightly inside you, your back arches, shoulders digging into the wall. You’re doing everything not to scream, his tongue lapping you up, nose rubbing against your clit, but you’re nearing closer and closer to your orgasm.

“Keep – going – fuck, Joel,” you breathe, eyes screwed shut, hands tangling in his hair, pulling his head closer against you.

“Shh,” he’s cooing now against your cunt, pulling a hand under your thigh to insert two fingers as his tongue massages your clit. “I know, I know,” he says, lifting his chin. “Poor baby just wanted some attention, huh?”

You smile, eyes closing in bliss as his tongue reattaches to your core. You whimper his name as your walls start to close around him.

Just then, a roar lets out from the living room, and the coil snaps. You cry out, moaning Joel’s name as you cum on his tongue, your sweet noises drowned out by the thunderous cheers from downstairs.

You swear you feel Joel smirk against your wetness as you unravel for him.

You’re panting, hands still clinging onto his hair for stability, as he pulls away from your cunt and leans back. He gently rolls your thighs off of his shoulders and helps you to stand, before his tall figure straightens up in front of you.

You instinctively grab his shirt and pull his lips against yours, wanting to taste yourself on his tongue. Joel’s breath hitches when your teeth graze his bottom lip and you pull away, releasing it.

“I fucking love this,” you mutter, and he laughs.

“Yeah? I just missed a whole inning ‘cause of you.”

“Worth it.” You smile as he opens the door, checking the coast is clear before letting you out first.

“Where the hell you two been?” your dad asks as you both rejoin the group.

“Missed one hell of a play, you pair.” Hank raises his glass toward the television.

You sit a little distance from each other on the couch, your needs fully satisfied, and Joel clears his throat.

“Was showin’ her my new six-string.”

You notice him out of the corner of your eye licking his lips. Fucker.

Your dad shakes his head with a laugh, spinning the recliner back to face the screen. “First baseball, now guitars. What has gotten into you, lately, hon?”

“Hey, Joel?” Bill sits forward, leaning over the coffee table to Joel, who lifts his head in reply. “You mind showin’ me that six-string after the game?”

You choke on your beer and Hank’s hand comes up to clap you on the back. “You alright, girl?”

“Maybe, maybe,” Joel replies, trying to ignore you, coughing and spluttering at his side.

With a few more good whacks from Hank and a clean sip of your drink, you recover just enough to join the conversation.

“It’s a really neat guitar, Bill.”

----------

taglist: @yvonneeeee @brittmb115 @subconsciouscollapse @leahlovestwd @peqchsoup @whorror-s @k1ttybean @whichwitchwanda @abuttoncalledsmalls @anner--nanner @jpbplvr @laysmt @ankhmutes @bookishhella @cannolighost @luvrking @mellymbee @yourwinchesterbros @serenaxpedro @nostalxgic @scottstotts @daiseygriffithx @letsgroovetonighttt (let me know if u wanna be added!)

[nanamikenyoufuckme]

best mistake -

halloween! cowboy gojo satoru x cop reader

summary : seeing long time friend gojo satoru at a halloween party in a slutty cowboy outfit pisses you off with how good he looks.

in the tight little cop costume you were in, you ignore him and dance with others all night long. until youre bored and getting a drink, and satoru is tired of beating around the bush.

he isnt the one, but he’s the best mistake you’ve ever had.

tags/warnings: afab reader, smut, choking (slightly), dirty talk, shameless smut, backshots, sloppy head, semi-public sex, based on that one fanart of him ykwim

a/n: hello! this is my first post here and id LOVE some requests of any characters. these are posted under irumao on ao3 (me just diff user sorry) and if you’d like to go leave kudos i’d appeciate it!

it had taken you an annoying amount of time to get ready today. it probably would’ve been faster if you hadn’t been pregaming with your best friend. arriving at the party, you immediately moved to the dancefloor and began having fun, ignoring the awful eye contact you kept making with gojo satoru.

satoru and you had met a few years back and were..friends. you had never done anything, but the tension was always there.

your costume accentuated your ass, and you knew it looked good. being just a tiny little bit of a tease, you would make eye contact with him just to turn you back towards him to keep dancing.

after what felt like hours dancing, you stumble to get a drink.

“fancy seeing you here” satoru smirks, “thought you were a good girl” he says as his eyes roam up and down the slutty cop costume you were wearing.

you rolled your eyes at him, since he knew you were one to party, just not at his parties. frankly, you really did not need to see him suck face with some whore (or maybe more than one!), so you always went to every other party.

”guess you don’t know me that well” you reply, taking a sip of your cup which has some fruity mixture that does little to drown out the burn of tequila in it as it slides down your throat.

“ouch, thought we had grown into friends” he teases, and you laugh slightly. its hard for you to stay annoyed with him, even if you knew you guys were far from friends.

“so what, are you gonna arrest me for being too hot?” he says, gesturing down his body at the incredibly attractive cowboy outfit he had on that did little to hide his toned body. his black button up with quite a few undone buttons looked horrifically great on him, and you cursed yourself for letting your eyes linger so long.

“depends, you gonna let me cuff you?” you teasingly bit your lip as you grin, turning into his body and looking up at him. its hard to gauge his eyes with the blindfold hes wearing, but you imagine he’s looking back down at you.

and that’s all it took. well, that and a few more drinks for satoru to have you up against a wall in the hallway, kissing down your neck. he tugs your hair just slightly roughly to get a better view of your neck, smirking as he looks at you swallow before he nips at it. as he’s leaving sloppy kisses and all kinds of hickeys over your neck, his knee presses up against the space in between your legs, rubbing against your core.

you gasp at the contact, and with your mouth agape, satoru takes his change to kiss you and slide his tongue in. you moan into the kiss, and that just seems to get him even more worked up as his hand lightly clasps around your neck, the other cupping your ass and lifting your leg up against him.

“satoru…” you moan out between kisses, and he moves down low to your breasts, kissing along the cleavage that you left unzipped in this sexy little outfit. “someone’s gonna see us..” you say, your hand moving up to his hair.

“why should i give a fuck?” he says, moving to continue the unzipping you’ve graciously already started for him the second you showed up at the party. “you wanted my attention so badly, and now that you have it, you wanna get picky?”

”not everythings for you, you dick” you mumble, but your protests are drowned out when his unusually large hands move to rub at your already soaking heat. “maybe not, but you don’t seem to be opposed to me having you.” he slides a finger into you, “you don’t seem opposed at all”

you gasp out a jumble of curses as he pumps into you, ranging from his name to words you don’t even remember. when he adds a second finger, all you can think about is how good it feels. you can feel him scissoring his fingers in there, and you immediately assume the rumor is true: gojo satoru has a big dick.

it’s obvious, really, look at him. but with the way he’s stretching you with just his fingers, you know he’s preparing you for him. “satoru..” you mumble out, your hand reaching his face. he practically rips your costume off, which would’ve been more dramatic if the costume wasn’t cheap material.

“no panties?” he grins, “off.” you say, your hand still on his face. “use your words”

“i want your blindfold off” you say, to which he smirks, “if that’s what you want.”

now its satoru, you should’ve guessed he wasn’t going to give you exactly what you wanted, but you couldn’t complain either as he spun you around and pressed you to face against the wall. he take the blindfold and slides it around your neck, where he can pull on it from behind. he tugs at it and boasts in how easily you choke and back up.

“good girl” he grins, unbuckling his belt. he pulls your hips out to get you all pretty and presented for him. his greedy hands grip at your ass, before he pulls out his achingly hard cock and rubs it in between your folds, spreading his precum all over.

“stop teasing me and shove it in” you groan, getting frustrated at the feeling of his cock and it not being inside you where you need it most. he smirks, “as you wish”

he slams inside you, his large cock stretching you open violently. you wished you had waited for him to tease you instead because the fullness you feel inside you is almost too much. moaning out his name, he pistons inside you, giving you no time to adjust to his size.

”you’re so fucking tight” he groans, “which is shocking since i know you’re a fucking slut”

“satoru” you moan, letting him fuck you raw and rough, even though you were used to sex more gentle and protected.

“what? gonna protest?” he slams into you particularly hard, “i know you’re a whore, letting me fuck you like this.”

you whine as his thrusts are fast and hard, almost like they are meant to punctuate his words, “fuck you were made for my cock.”

the sounds of his grunts and occasional spankings, and your moans and choked up cries from the blindfold around your neck, were all drowned out by the feeling of you getting close.

“im gonna cum” you moan, to which he abruptly pulls out of you. the loss of contact makes you whine, and he turns you to face him. he takes the blindfold off your neck as he kisses you before he balls the blindfold up and stuffs it into your mouth. the handcuffs that were once on your costume he is now putting around your wrists. he picks up your thighs and tells you to jump, which you do, and his hard cock bobs against his abdomen.

you get a view of it, and its bigger now that youre gazing at it. he pulls your hands up to pin them (which are cuffed) above your head, and then he shoves himself back inside you. you feel yourself bounce against the wall, and you can also can feel the drool slide down your chin around the blindfold. he smirks, dipping his head to lather his spit across your bouncing tits.

he begins to suck on them, still shoving himself in you again and again. you begin to feel the high you felt earlier, on the verge of cumming all over his fat cock.

“satoru” you mumble, but its hard to tell what youre saying from your mouth being stuffed. “gonna cum”

“go ahead baby”, he says, fucking you will deep thrusts that reach spots in you no one has ever touched before. you cum all over his cock, and he stills, trying to stop himself from cumming inside you but letting you ride the high of being full. once you’ve calmed down a little, he withdraws and pulls back, allowing you to sink to your knees.

immediately you look up and move to wrap your mouth onto his cock, determined to finish him off. you tease the head before taking as much as you could into your mouth (which wasn’t even half of it).

sucking harder, satoru gets a handful of your hair and slowly slides his cock in to touch the bottom of your throat, and he groans out in pleasure. he thrusts in slowly, not wanting to hurt you but chasing his own orgasm. a tear slips from your eye at how full your mouth is, and after what seemed like an eternity, you hear him curse and cum, all of it spurting into your mouth.

he pulls out, cum leaking down your chin. you swallow and lick your lips clean, standing weakly. satoru takes his button up off, leaving him in a wife beater, as he wraps it around your body.

“let me take you home.”

[secretswiftymarvelfan]

Boston Bears: Fake Out - Rugby Player! Ari Levinson x Reader (Part 3)

Summary: It's time to get the fake relationship underway and straight away you realise it's going to be harder than you thought.

Word Count: 7.5k words

Warnings: Language! Angst! Sexual Tension! Fluff!

Rugby Explained

Dividers by Me!

Fake Out Series Masterlist /Boston Bears Masterlist / Masterlist

Chapter 3

Ari: what are you planning on dressing as for Storm’s party

Y/N: I don’t know yet

Ari: do you think we should go in matching costumes?

Y/N: no we’re supposed to ‘meeting’ at this party

Ari: it could be cute, like we’re fated to be together or something 

Y/N: that doesn’t happen in real life

Ari: and this isn’t a real relationship remember

Ari: at least give me a hint

Y/N: no.

Ari had been pestering you to find out what your costume was going to be all week. You hadn’t actually given him your number, he must have gotten it from Elena or Chris. It made sense to have his number so you could plan ‘dates’ but if he was gonna keep pestering you it wouldn’t be long until you ‘accidentally’ lost it.

Especially since you had spent the last week trying to get him and that damn kiss out of your head. That kiss haunted you. Not because it was a bad kiss, no it had been the best kiss you’d ever had. Every time your mind wandered it would go back to that moment, it even invaded your dreams except in your dreams it lasted so much longer.

It didn’t help that you had spent part of your workday planning strategies for this fake relationship. A fake relationship where you shouldn’t be thinking this much about a kiss. You tried to rationalise it. It was practice just like he said. Intimacy had been lacking with Dan for a while before you found out he cheated so it was probably just your body reacting to something it had been missing. It meant nothing. It was nothing. 

Even if you wanted to tell him what your costume was you couldn’t because you had no clue what you were gonna go as. You had been so busy with work too that you hadn’t had a chance to go shopping for one until the evening before which was a bust. The only costume left were the god-awful ones or slutty ones and while you were supposed to ‘attract’ the attention of Ari at this party you didn’t want to do it in a way that wasn’t you. 

You had to slump for a homemade costume instead, one that was pretty obscure too. If it wasn’t for the sharpie on your tee it would look like you hadn’t bothered at all. You tried not to feel self-conscious but you were sure that everyone was gonna have amazing costumes and you’d stick out like a sore thumb.

Chris and Elena looked amazing in their couple's costumes. They’d gone as Woody and Jessie from Toy Story and you heard Elena mutter something like ‘save a horse, ride a cowboy’ when you complement it as you got in their car.

You hadn’t spent much time with Johnny, only the odd occasion that the PR team turned up at training. You only really knew what Elena had told you which was that he was the stereotypical player but also a secret softie. You had only seen the player side so far and when you walked into his apartment it definitely screamed bachelor pad. It wouldn’t have surprised you if he had customised it like Barney Stinson. 

“Hey, who’s this that you’ve brought along” Johnny smirked as he walked over to greet the three of you.

“Johnny this is my best friend Y/N, she just moved from LA she is working with the media team at the Bears” Elena said introducing you.

Johnny flashed you a charming smile and held out his hand “Ah yeah I’ve seen you around” he lifted your hand to his lips and kissed your knuckles “Pleasure to finally meet you, are you here alone?”

“Storm” Chris warned. 

“She’s with me,” Elena said as she linked her arm through yours.

“Well if you ever want a bit of fun you can always call me, I know some great-“ Johnny smirked before a deep voice warned him again.

Except this time it was Chris, it was Ari that practically growled “Storm”

It was like he appeared out of nowhere. One second there was just space behind you, the next here was there. You looked over your shoulder as Ari towered over you, he was dressed in some sort of Greek armour costume which showed off his biceps which were bulging as he clenched his phone in one hand. You guessed he must have just gotten off a call and walked back into the party. 

You turned back to Johnny who looked up at Ari and then you and then back at Ari before chuckling and shaking his head “Sure thing, let me know if you guys need anything” he said before turning around and leaving the four of you. 

You turned around to scold Ari because this was not part of the plan at all, you were supposed to mingle first and then ‘meet’. But just as you opened your mouth he held out his hand “Hi I’m Ari nice to meet you” he winked.

You gaped up at him completely taken by surprise, it took you a second to recover and reach out to shake his hand “Y/N”

“Ah yeah I’ve heard a lot about you from El” Ari smiled, you blinked a couple of times because he was a natural at this and you were a floundering idiot. You were supposed to be the expert here. 

“Only good things I promise” Elena played along “Um do you want me to grab you a drink?” 

You stuttered slightly which must have sounded like a yes because Elena looped her arm through Chris’ and the two of them walked off leaving you with Ari.

“So what are you dressed as?” He asked nodding down to your homemade costume which consisted of jeans with a Yankees cap tucked in the back pocket and an orange tee with Greek writing across it.

“Oh um I’m a book character from one of my favourite series, I doubt you’ve read it,” you said glancing down at your costume “It was the best I could do at short notice”

“What’s the series about?” Ari asked seeming like he was actually interested. 

“Uh a bunch of teens who are Greek demigods and have to go on quests and save the world, they’re all dyslexic and ADHD, the author originally came up with the main character as a story for his son who was dyslexic to show him that heroes could be just like him” 

That really seemed to pique Ari’s interest, you could see a spark as he nodded his head “Well I guess we kinda match then” he smirked. 

“Let me guess Hercules,” you asked, you wondered how this could have happened because you hadn’t told anyone what your costume was, not even Elena.

Ari smirked as he posed and showed off his very impressive biceps “the one and only”

You rolled your eyes and decided to scan the room. You spotted Elena near the kitchen holding up an alcoholic drink in your direction, you smiled grateful for the escape.

“Well it was lovely to meet you but there’s a drink with my name on but I’ll see you around maybe” you said taking a couple of steps back.

Ari gave you a lopsided smile “There’s no maybe about it, enjoy mingling and I’ll see you in a bit” he agreed.

You nodded before turning on your heel. You felt his gaze on you as you walked away, your suspicions confirmed when you glanced over your shoulder and caught him looking at your ass.

Over the next couple of hours, you somewhat successfully managed to mingle and avoid Ari. You stuck by Elena’s side most of the time, letting her introduce you to other players on the team and friends she had made over the past few months. You could feel Ari’s gaze on you most of the time, catching him looking over at you as he spoke to others at the party. On the occasions you didn’t feel his gaze you found yourself distracted and looking around the party, your eyes catching on him every time. 

You were currently sat on a couch next to Elena who had discarded her own hat and replaced it with Chris’. She was caught up in a heated debate about women’s rugby so you once again found yourself looking around the party. Except this time you couldn’t spot Ari at all, your initial reaction was concern. What if he was off flirting with another girl, there were plenty of bombshells walking around, you wouldn’t blame him but it would jeopardise the whole plan. 

Your eyes then zeroed in on a closed door for some unknown reason but a second later Ari stepped out, holding his phone to his ear. You watched as he nodded and said one last thing before letting out a long sigh and hanging up. His expression seemed unguarded for a moment, he looked exhausted from that call. It made you wonder what it was, maybe his parents? He said they were travelling maybe they got into a bit of trouble somewhere.

You watched as he tapped away at his phone for a moment before looking up, his eyes met yours and the tired expression shifted to a charismatic smirk. You quickly adverted your gaze and tried to look like you were involved in the debate when you saw him walk over towards you.

It didn’t work though as you felt the couch cushion sink next to you and heat enveloping you as he rested his arm on the back of the couch behind you “Hey” 

You bit your lip to hold back a curse as you shifted to turn to him, forcing a smile “Hey”

“Thought you could do with some company, us Greek heroes need to stick together” he tapped your shoulder with his finger and you tried to ignore the sparks of electricity that you felt when he did “So how do you know El?”

“We were roommates in college, been best friends ever since,” you told him unable to stop the smile that grew as you recalled your college days with Elena. 

She had been the best friend you had needed your entire life. She really helped pull you out of your shell and become much more confident. Thanks to her you got up to so much stuff that you wouldn’t have dared to do before. 

“Nice, what did you major in?” 

“communications, did you go to college?” you asked him, you were pretty certain that he was one of the popular jocks that everyone wanted to hook up with.

“Nope, went straight into playing rugby, although I did do a semester in International Politics when Barber made us all take a class to ensure we had something to fall back on” Ari explained with a casual shrug of his shoulders. 

“Really?” your eyebrows rose in surprise, you hadn’t expected that answer. 

“Yeah his career got cut short due to injury so he’s been really on at us to be careful with our money and have something to fall back on because even if we don’t get injured we typically retire at around 35 and there’s a lot of life left to live after that,” Ari said with a deep sigh. 

“What do you think you’ll do? When you retire?”

Ari let out a long sigh, his gaze shifting to the distance as he thought. It gave you an opportunity to study his face in better detail. The freckles that poked out from beneath his beard and the way his eyes were the same colour as a tropical ocean. 

“I don’t know” he finally said with a small huff of a laugh “might just see where my life is when it comes to it, if I have responsibilities to take care of”

You tilt your head, curious as to what he meant “like what?”

A small smile tugged at his lips as he looked back at you “I’m not sure” There was a long pause where it felt like neither of you knew what to say until Ari finally spoke “You moved from LA right? Is that where you’re originally from?”

You shake your head “East Coast girlie, New York to be specific”

Ari’s smile perked up “I’m from New York too, which part?”

“Upstate, didn’t actually get into the city very often, we lived closer to Canada than the city,” you said. 

Whenever you told someone you were from New York they always assumed the city and would ask you so much about it and most of the time you didn’t have an answer because you’d only gone into the city a couple of times in your whole life.

“Ah nice upstate is really beautiful, I’m from Queens” Ari smiled “If you ever want a tour guide the next time you go to the city”

You chuckled “I’ll hit you up” You smiled “Do you go back often?”

Ari’s smile seemed to falter for a split second, you weren’t sure if it even did or if you imagined it “A bit, not as often as I’d like but it’s difficult with my schedule” he said with a small shrug.

“I guess with your parents travelling there’s less of a reason too” you add, Ari hummed in response “Are they away long?”

“Two years so far”

Your eyes widened “two years!”

Ari chuckled, the warm sound of it sending chills down your body “Yeah they’ve always wanted to travel the world, experience different cultures so when they retired they sold up and started travelling, they’ll visit a country, rent a place for a few months and do a bit of work to get some money before moving onto the next place, I get postcards from them when they get to a new country”

You shook your head in disbelief “That’s incredible” you muttered in amazement. 

“Yeah I have no clue when they’ll be back, probably when they get a bit too old but they also might just find a remote tropical island to live on” Ari chuckled. 

“What about you though?” you frowned. You didn’t particularly like living so far away from your parents but at least they were in one place, it’s expensive but not impossible to visit them.

Ari tilted his head slightly like he was surprised by that question, like no one had thought to ask him that before “I’m okay with it, they deserve it, they did so much for me growing up and to help me achieve my dream of playing rugby professionally, I can’t not let them have their dream” he smiled “and maybe when I retire in a few years I’ll just join them on the island” he chuckled. 

“That does sound like a good retirement plan” You smiled, you then felt a blast of cold air from where someone had opened a door to step out onto the balcony. It instantly made you shiver, your costume wasn’t great for New England fall temperatures.

“You cold?” Ari frowned as you wrapped your arms around you, goosebumps appeared on your skin.

“Just a little, thought a jacket might ruin the look” you tried to joke. 

You also didn’t own any jackets, you didn’t need cold-weather clothes back in LA which meant you had none now. Elena had lent you a few jumpers and coats, like the red one you’d worn the day Ari came to your office to apologise. You’d promised that you would go out and buy a proper coat and warmer clothes but hadn’t found the time, you also worried about how expensive it would be. 

Ari sat forward and tugged at his shoulders, the purple cape that was attached coming loose “Here, it's not thick but it's an extra layer” he said as he offered it to you. 

“Oh no it's okay I’m fine,” you said shaking your head. 

Ari shifted closer to you, the heat from his body doing enough to warm you up “Take it” he pressed, wrapping it around your shoulders before you could protest again “Think of the pictures” he added quietly. 

You blinked a couple of times. Right. Yes. The pictures. It would look good for the ‘relationship’ if there was a picture with you wearing his cape. There would be no explanation as to where else you got it from, no one else here was wearing a bright purple cape. It would be the perfect crumb to lead people to believe this relationship. 

You nodded and wrapped and cape around you “Thank you”

Ari gave you a lopsided smile “Not a problem sweetheart” he grinned leaning back into the couch, except this time there was less than a couple inches between you. 

Ari didn’t really know much about PR, he typically just did whatever he was told by the team to fix whatever mess needed fixing. But if he had to guess how well the Halloween party went he would say it went really well. 

He’d seen a few photos circulating online and all of them looked good. There were a few where both you and him were in the photo either in the background or in the group shot. Not all of them had you standing or sitting close to him, but someone had taken a photo of you and him chatting on the couch.

That was Ari’s favourite photo from the night, you were mid-chuckle as you looked back at him. His purple cape wrapped around your body. He’d saved it to his phone so he could look at it whenever he wanted. 

He was just glad you warmed up to him again. He could tell you were pissed at him when he went all caveman over you but he couldn’t help himself. Ari was an impulsive man at the best of times and when it came to you that impulsivity increased by a million.

Johnny Storm was notorious for being a playboy, often seen at parties with multiple girls hanging onto his every word. It was surprising that he got away with it some much, but it never seemed to affect how well he played and he hasn’t gotten into serious trouble so maybe the coaches were happy to turn a blind eye. Ari and Johnny got on well enough on the pitch and at training but he still didn’t trust him with you. He wouldn’t trust him with anyone. 

Ari was looking forward to today, it was the first official fake date. The team had the morning off so the plan was to go to brunch. Ari had met the three of you a short walk away from the bunch spot that you and El had picked.

He was currently walking a few paces behind with Chris, watching as you and Elena walked ahead chatting and laughing with each other. You were wearing that red sweater again, but this time you’d paired it with a pair of black jeans. You’d tucked the sweater in giving Ari the perfect sight to behold. He couldn’t help but smile as you threw your head back and laughed at whatever El had said.

“I’m surprised you agreed to all this,” Chris said as the two of them walked, his pace slowing so that the distance between him and the girls grew.

Ari shrugged as he matched his pace “Want to make the team, I’d do anything”

Chris hummed and nodded his head “So it’s got nothing to do with the crush you have on her” 

Ari let out an unconvincing snort “I do not have a crush… crushes are for children” he huffed. 

Chris chuckled and shook his head “Fine but you were definitely into her back in LA, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the moment you got shot down, it so rarely happens”

Ari took a deep breath, recalling the moment he saw your engagement ring “Yeah, that lunch was a bit of fun” he agreed “but this is just a deal so I have my best chance of getting called up and if it means her asshole ex doesn’t rock up and try and win her back then it's a win-win”

Chris hummed and glanced back over at you “So you don’t still have feelings then?” he asked. 

“Nope” Ari lied “we’re just friends who are helping each other out”

“Good” Chris nodded “I don’t know Y/N very well but she means a lot to El which means she means a lot to me too so I don’t want to see her getting hurt because you lead her on or made her uncomfortable”

Ari swallowed and nodded his head “You don’t have to worry about that at all, we’ve got clear boundaries and we’re not gonna cross them” he promised as he looked back over at you.

Ari cared a lot about you and the last thing he wanted was to hurt you or for you to get hurt more than you already have been. If that meant pushing his feelings aside then he’d do it. At least he was getting a taste of what it would be like. 

“Glad to hear it man because honestly, I don’t think I’d win the fight” Chris chuckled as he slapped Ari on the shoulder.

Ari smirked over at him “You right about one thing”

When they turned the corner onto the street that the restaurant was on, Chris changed the topic to the league and how he thought the other teams were doing. Ari wasn’t paying much attention though, he kept his sights on you. He knew there were some paps across the street, the plan was to tip them off so they could capture everyone arriving and leaving together.

The girls both paused when they reached the restaurant waiting for Ari and Chris to catch up. Chris opened up the door and gestured for everyone to go ahead, Ari followed closely behind you resting his hand on your lower back. He flashed you a smile when you glanced over your shoulder at him. 

At the table Ari pulled out the chair for you, making sure to be the perfect gentleman “Thank you” you muttered as you sat down. 

The two girls ordered mimosa while Ari and Chris settled for coffee “To brunch” Elena grinned “And new friendships” she winked over at you and Ari.

You chuckled lightly as you lifted your glass “to brunch”

The conversation quickly returned back to rugby, Chris continuing what he’d been saying to Ari outside. This time Elena joined in with her own inputs as they discussed the Bears' next opponents and how well they’d been so far this season.

Ari glanced over to see you sat back in your chair your gaze set on the plate in front of you as you absentmindedly twisted your glass of mimosa around. Ari wondered why you weren’t participating before remembering that you weren’t a fan of rugby so you had nothing to add.

“Why don’t we talk about something other than rugby?” Ari interrupted “I think Y/N might fall asleep if we carry on” he added with a smirk. 

You rolled your eyes “I was not about to fall asleep, if you guys want to talk about rugby you can talk about rugby” You waved your hand dismissively. 

“No it's fine, I’m sorry that was my fault” Chris apologised “What would you like to talk about Y/N?” he asked with a sincere smile. 

“Oh um” you muttered shrinking back into your chair. That made Ari frown because it was not like you to shrink away, he expected you to come back with some witty response. “I don’t know, I don’t mind” you shrugged. 

“Why don’t you tell us some wild college stories, I bet you two got up to a lot of trouble” Ari smirked, nudging you in the side. 

Elena snorted into her champagne glass “We were the perfect citizens” 

“Bullshit” Chris laughed “You’re trouble, trouble” he grinned as he looked lovingly over at Elena.

“We had a lot of classwork, didn’t leave much time for antics” You shrugged, you were trying to look innocent but Ari could see the smirk playing on your lips. 

“There might have been a few dares here and there when we went to parties” Elena shrugged her shoulders taking a sip of her mimosa. 

“Now we’re getting there” Ari smirked twisting in his seat to face you more “What kind of things did you have to do?”

“Y/N usually went for truth” Elena supplied, ignoring the pointed look you gave her. 

“That’s not true, I did dares” you argued. 

“Only when that guy on the hockey team called you out, you know the one you had a cru-”

“Sh-sh-sh” you interrupted flapping your hand in an attempt to silence her, your cheeks turning a cute shade of pink. 

“Hockey player? I thought you didn’t like athletes” Ari asked arching a brow.

“Where do you think that dislike came from?” you retorted, making his look with your own.

“Well don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll change your opinion” he winked, the roll of your eyes he got in response just made his smile grow wider. Seeing that feisty side of you seemed rare now but Ari wasn’t gonna give up on it. 

“Well I’m sure whatever you had to do wasn’t as bad as what we all had to do during our first pre-season with the Bears,” Chris said, shaking his head as a shiver ran through his body. 

Ari felt the exact same, he’d been with the bears for a few years but the memory of his initiation was still fresh in his mind. He hadn’t looked at a pint of milk in the same way since. 

“What did you have to do?” you asked sitting forward, intrigue clear in his voice. 

“We have to down a pint of milk and then run the full length of the pitch and back, if you puke you have to spin a wheel to decide your punishment” Ari explained, unable to hold back the smile when he saw your horrified reaction. 

“Does anyone ever succeed?” 

“Nope, Curtis came close though, kept it down until the next newbie started chugging the milk and that's when he went” Chris chuckled “he had to shave his eyebrows”

Your jaw dropped as Elena threw her head back laughing loudly “Wait is this where Jensen got his frosted tips?” Elena asked in between breaths.

Ari nodded his head as he laughed along “Yeah that one didn’t really end up as a punishment” 

“What did you two have to do?” You asked nodding to Ari and Chris.

“We both had to shave our heads, I didn’t mind it to be honest it was easier to manage” Chris said as he ran a hand through his hair. 

Elena pouted “Please don’t shave it again, I like your fluffy hair” 

“Don’t worry trouble, it's staying” Chris grinned as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pressed a kiss to her temple. 

“Wow stealing a pig doesn’t seem so bad now” you muttered under your breath but Ari heard it. 

“You stole a pig?” he huffed in surprise. 

“Yeah that hockey guy convinced me to help steal the rival team’s mascot” you said with an embarrassed wince. 

“That’s amazing” Chris laughed his hand slapping his chest as he leant back in his chair. 

“They sent her in the distract the team while our guys took the pig” Elena recounted. 

“What did you do with it after that? And please don’t say bacon or sausages” Ari asked.

You looked back at him horrified “god no! We actually took it to the ASPCA, it was in awful conditions the poor thing” you pouted “A bunch of their players got suspended because of it”

“Meant our team went ahead in the division” Elena smirked victoriously.

“Wow so you’ve been pulling the strings behind the scenes for a long time” Ari noted with an impressed nod. 

“There’s a reason I’m so good at what I do” you smirked. 

Ari smiled back at you glad to see you feeling far more comfortable. It was almost like the lunch back in LA all those months ago. The rest of brunch was great too, Ari just enjoyed sitting there and watching you open up more and more. The dynamic you had with Elena was like two sisters who were also best friends. He was happy for you that you were back with your best friend. 

Far sooner than Ari would have liked brunch came to an end. He wanted to stay longer but he had to get back to the training facility for afternoon training. This time though he made sure to walk out next to you. Chris and Elena walked a few paces ahead.

When you stepped out of the restaurant Ari noticed you shiver and wrap your arms around yourself “You cold?” he asked.

“Yeah still used to LA weather” you explained as you hugged yourself closer. 

“Not used to needing a coat” Ari added with a playful smirk. 

“I don’t actually have one” you admitted.

Ari paused and turned to face you “You don’t own a coat? Like at all?”

“Not a winter one no” You went to walk off but Ari held out his arm to stop you.

“Why not?” he asked unable to wrap his head around it. 

“I didn’t need one in LA, my closet is full of summer clothes, this jumper is El’s not mine” you explained gesturing down to your sweater. Ari noticed how it was slightly too large for you and it wasn’t a design choice. Elena had a much broader and more muscular frame than you. “I just haven’t had the chance to go out shopping yet, that and money is tighter now, I can’t really afford a whole new wardrobe”

“You need to get a coat at least, it's only gonna get colder, especially when the snow finally arrives” Ari pointed out.

You shot a glare up at him “Yes I am aware of that” you huffed spinning on your heel and speeding off away from him.

Ari cursed under his breath before shrugging off the jacket he was wearing. He jogged to catch up with you and draped the jacket around your shoulders. You startled slightly and looked up at him in confusion. 

“Let me keep you warm in the meantime,” Ari said softly. 

“But what about you?” you asked as you pulled his large jacket around you more. 

“I run hot” he shrugged. 

You looked down bashfully as you carried on walking “Thank you”

“It's nothing, and you can keep it until our next date” Ari winked. 

“Are you sure?” you asked surprise clear on your face, pausing and turning to face him. 

“Never been more sure sweetheart” he smiled as he leant down to press a kiss to your cheek.

Ari: I want to plan our next date

Y/N: Oh okay, yeah sure what do you want to do?

Ari: It’ll be a surprise

Y/N: But I need to know so I can tip the right people off

Ari: I’ll get Steph to deal with it

Y/N: I don’t know, how am I supposed to make sure this works if I don’t know what we’re doing

Ari: just trust me, it’ll be fun and will work perfectly

Y/N: Okay fine

Ari: Great I’ll pick you up at 11

Ari jogged up to the front door of your apartment block and pressed the button for your apartment “Hey c’mon up I’m not quite ready yet” you said through the intercom.

“Sure, see you in a second sweetheart” Ari grinned as he pushed open the door and made his way up to your apartment.

You greeted him at the front door, a smile growing on Ari’s face when he saw you were wearing his jacket. It was definitely too big for you but it looked adorable so Ari had no intention of taking it back. Plus it meant you hadn’t had a chance to go shopping yet which worked perfectly with his plan. 

“I just need to grab my bag,” you said as he stepped inside the apartment.

He glanced around and noticed how sparse it was. It had all the necessary furniture and a few things like a rug, but there was nothing specific to you. It looked like a showhome rather than an apartment that had been living in. 

“Had El moved all her stuff out?” Ari asked glancing over at you as you sorted through your bag. While he never visited he knew this used to be Elena’s place but moved out when you turned up so you could have your own apartment.

“Uh yeah, she left things that she didn’t need any more,” you said as you shouldered your bag “Once I get the rest of my stuff it’ll look less barren”

Ari hummed and nodded his head, maybe after today it’ll be less barren. He made a note of that for later “Let’s get going, I’ve got a lot planned” he grinned as he moved to head back out.

“You gonna tell me what we’re doing now?” you asked as you shut and locked the door behind you. 

“Nope that would ruin the surprise” Ari grinned as the two of you walked down the stairs together. 

You groaned in annoyance “Have you at least let Steph know?” 

“Yeah she’s sent someone from the media team to take the odd photo of us while we’re out and she suggested that we post a couple things to social media ourselves” Ari explained as he opened the car door for you. 

“Like Instagram stories?” you asked as you climbed into his jeep, Ari putting his hand on your hip to help you up.

“Yeah nothing crazy” he nodded “and trust me you’re gonna love it, I have good intel that girls love this sort of thing” he winked before shutting the door. 

It wasn’t a long drive to get where Ari was taking you and he was relying on you not knowing Boston very well. The drive was pretty quiet which Ari didn’t mind, it didn’t make him feel uncomfortable and he was just happy to be in your company. 

When he pulled up in the parking lot you looked up from your phone and frowned as you looked around and realised where he’d taken you “A shopping mall?”

“Yep, you said you needed a winter wardrobe but didn’t have time, we also needed a solo date so two birds, one stone” Ari grinned and he killed the engine.

“Yeah but the date should be a dinner date or something” you argued, shaking your head.

Ari shrugged “There’s a food court, why do you think I picked you up before lunchtime?” he offered with a lopsided grin “If you want something fancier I’ll keep that in mind for next time, I just didn’t think you were that kind of girl”

Your mouth opened to argue but you didn’t say anything, which told Ari that he’d gotten that assumption right. He grinned to himself as he got out and rounded the car to open your door.

“I don’t dislike fancy restaurants” you supplied as he held out his hand to help you down.

Ari grinned “Noted, now c’mon sweetheart as much as I love seeing you in my jacket… let’s get you a winter coat” 

You rolled your eyes but took his hand and let him help you out of his jeep. Once you were on firm ground Ari shut the car door but didn’t let his hand drop from yours. He loved the feeling of it, your hand was so much smaller than his. The feeling of your soft skin against his callused palms felt magical and he wondered what they would feel like on other parts of his body… his chest… his thighs… his cock. 

Ari shook that thought from his head. As much as he wanted otherwise, this relationship was fake. There would be no sex at all and once this was over you would be leaving Boston for bigger and better things. He had to make do with and make the most of this time he had with you, at least that way when it came to an end he had something even if it wasn’t real.

“So do you want to get some food first or straight into shopping? I know they say it’s bad to shop on an empty stomach” Ari asked as you walked into the shopping mall hand in hand. 

“That’s food shopping” you pointed out making Ari snort with laughter “but I guess it would be a good idea energy wise”

“Good plan, what would you like?” Ari asked as you rounded the corner towards the food court. 

“I don’t mind, what fits with your diet plan?” you asked looking up at him.

Ari smiled softly, he found it cute that you cared enough about that, most people didn’t “None” he answered honestly “but one meal won’t hurt, I’ll just have to pump more iron in the gym” he winked not missing the way your cheeks pinkened as you looked away quickly. 

“Okay well, how about Panda Express?” you suggested pointing over in its direction. 

“Perfect, that’s actually my favourite” Ari grinned as he started walking over it. 

“Me too” you hummed quietly as Ari led you through the crowds. 

He arched a brow and looked over his shoulder “Really?” he asked surprised. 

“Yeah me and Elena ate way too much of it during college” you chuckled softly. 

“I’m jealous, I rarely get to have it, mostly during the off-season,” he told you as he reached the back of the line. 

“What’s your go-to order?” you asked as you looked up at the menu. 

“Never the shrimp” Ari snorted shaking his head, he’d had a bad experience with the shrimp before, it wasn’t bad enough to put him off the chain but he learnt never to get seafood from a fast food chain “I go for the shanghai Angus steak and brown rice if its during the season and white or noodles for my end of season meal”

“You get it for your first meal after the season ends?” you asked turning your attention to him.

“Yeah, look forward to it every season” Ari grinned.

“You don’t go for something more fancy?” 

“Nope, what better to celebrate or drown your sorrows with than some greasy, unhealthy food” he smirked, “what do you go for?”

You let out a bit of a dramatic sigh “I’m basic and I love the orange chicken and noodles and extra fortune cookies”

Ari chuckled “Nothing wrong with being basic” he smiled warmly down at you.

“I beg to differ” you snorted shaking your head, Ari heard the hint of self-consciousness in your voice and immediately knew you were referring to what happened with your ex.

“There’s nothing wrong with it” Ari reiterated firmly “Why mess with perfection?” Your lips parted in surprise before you looked down at your feet “Plus the orange chicken is iconic”

“I guess” you mumbled still looking down at your feet. 

Ari squeezed your hand a couple of times before stepping forward to place the order, making sure to order extra fortune cookies for you. He didn’t miss the small smile that you tried to hide when he did so. 

Once he had the food he kept hold of your hand and carried the tray over to a free booth with his other hand. He placed the tray down and gestured for you to slide in, he slid in next to you and rested his arm behind you. You were so close that Ari could smell the scent of your shampoo and he loved it.

“This okay?” he asked quietly, “Steph said she’d position someone in the food court”

You turned to look at him, your eyes widening as if you only just noticed how close he was, these booths weren’t really meant for two people to sit together, especially not a rugby player “Yeah” you muttered breathlessly.

A smile twitched at Ari’s lips “Let's tuck in then, we’ve got a lot of shopping ahead of us”

You flashed him a smile before turning your attention to the food. As the two of you ate Ari asked you more questions about your life before moving to Boston. He tactically avoided anything that involved your ex since you always closed in on yourself when that happened so he focused on your life back in upstate New York. 

“I’d say that’s given me enough energy to do some shopping, without filling me up enough that I can sneak a pretzel later” Ari smirked as he stacked the empty containers “Can’t forget these though,” he said pushing the multiple fortune cookies your way.

“I can’t have all of them” you argued pushing some back towards him.

“Of course you can, I brought them for you” Ari pushed them back to you with a smirk.

“You have to have at least one,” you said grabbing one and holding it out to him.

Ari grinned and took the cookie from you “Deal but you have to tell me your fortune” 

You rolled your eyes but didn’t argue, cracking open a cookie and munching away as you read out the fortune “Be curious. Be present. Embrace uncertainty”

“That sounds like good fortune” Ari hummed as he rested his arm behind you again.

You hummed in agreement “Guess so, what’s yours?”

Ari opened up his cookie and smirked to himself “You will place your trust in others and be rewarded… in bed” Ari said wiggling his eyebrows.

You laughed and threw your fortune at him “You added the in-bed bit”

Ari shrugged “Maybe, maybe not… maybe in bed is where I want to be rewarded” he winked. 

You rolled your eyes and gave him a playful shove which made Ari laugh, he dropped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you into his side. His smile turned warm when you didn’t pull away from him. 

“Should we get shopping?” you asked looking up at him. 

“If you’re ready” Ari hummed as he collected up all of the leftover fortune cookies and put them in your bag for you for later. 

“Yeah let's go, it shouldn’t take too long” 

“It’ll take however long as you need or want” Ari smiled as he stood up from the booth and held out his hand to help you up. 

You smiled softly and took his hand “It’ll take however long as my bank account can handle” you said with a pointed look.

“Don’t you worry about that” Ari winked. 

You frowned over at him “You are not paying for my clothes” you stated.

“We’ll see about that” Ari grinned “I save money for situations like this, so let me spoil my girlfriend” he said we you walked out of the food court. 

“Fake girlfriend” you corrected quietly. 

“Shush, we’re in public” Ari whispered as he leant in closer to you and pressed a kiss to your temple. 

Your head snapped in his direction, your eyes wide like saucers. 

“Sorry should have asked” Ari apologised, squeezing your hand. 

“No, no it's fine” you muttered looking down and clearing your throat. 

Ari grinned “Good” he lifted your hand up so he could kiss your knuckles. 

Over the next few hours, Ari took you into every shop that sold warm clothes. You were pretty reluctant at first but after the first couple of shops, where Ari practically had to block you from the card machine so he could pay, you started to warm up to it and have more fun. Even Ari was enjoying it, he didn’t mind sitting in the designated chair outside of the fitting rooms especially when you came back out to show off and get his opinion on a few things.

His favourite moment though was when he took you to buy a proper winter coat suitable for heavy snow. He made sure to get you the best one possible and when you tried it on he grabbed a bobble hat and scarf to go with it. Laughing when you were all bundled up and your beautiful eyes were the only part of you visible. It was such a cute sight that he had to take a photo which he saved so he could look back at it later.

Once you were done Ari carried all the bags out while you carried the pretzels, the only thing he had let you buy “Thank you for doing this Ari, you really didn’t need to” you said softly, tearing a piece off your pretzel as you both sat in his jeep. 

“I know but I wanted to” Ari smiled softly as he tucked into his own pretzel, the perfect after-shopping trip treat. 

“I promise to pay you back” 

“It's okay, I had the money and you’re helping me get onto the national team” Ari shrugged as he demolished the last of his pretzel, he wasn’t going to admit that he would have done it anyway, he did it just to see you smile and to make sure you were warm. 

“Well at least you can have your jacket back” You nodded down to his jacket that you were still wearing. 

“You can keep it, it looks good on you” Ari winked, not missing the way you blushed and looked down at yourself.  

Sharing is caring so please reblog and leave a comment to really make my day!

This series has no schedule, please don’t ask when it will be updated! Same goes for Masterlist, AO3 and Wattpad!

Fake Out Series Masterlist / Boston Bears Masterlist / Masterlist

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[sebsxphia]

Rhett only being able to fall asleep when he feels safe, so the only time he every sleeps is when you’re around 🥲

“I said sit still.” You ordered, patching up a cut on his side.

Rhett didn’t have a good night. At all. With everything going on with his brother and the police, he has a lot going on in his mind.

“I’m sorry, darlin’. I just can’t sit still lately.” He said looking down at you. Rhett was sat in the rocking chair in his bedroom with you at his feet, still patching him up.

“Rhett, I can tell when you’re not okay. Why won’t you talk to me?” You asked softly reaching up to hold his face. Rhett leaned into your touch immediately.

“Don’t trouble yourself with it, sweetheart” Rhett placed his hand on top of yours.

You studied him. You can tell he really didn’t wanna talk about it, and you understood that.

“Just know that you can always talk to me.” You stood kissing his head. You went to walk away, but Rhett pulled you back, resting his head against your torso.

“Would you stay, sweetheart?” His voice was exhausted. You’re the only one who ever made him feel loved, like he didn’t have to hide who he truly was with you. He also slept like a baby when you were over.

“O’ course, cowboy.” You smiled. You helped him change and changed yourself before slipping into bed with him. The moment his head hit the pillow he was sound asleep.

“Sleep tight. M’ love.” You whispered kissing his head.

Pls I just need to hold him and run my hands through his hair until he falls asleep I just miss my slutty sad cowboy

“Would you stay, sweetheart?” His voice was exhausted. You’re the only one who ever made him feel loved, like he didn’t have to hide who he truly was with you. He also slept like a baby when you were over.

I’M GONNA THROW A FUCKIN’ CHAIR DEAR ANON, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL! AND RHETT BEING SAT IN HIS ROCKING CHAIR IN HIS ROOM! THIS IS SO CHILDHOOD SWEETHEARTS CODED I’M GONNA CRY 🥺

i’m truly at a loss of words for how perfect this is my dear anon. thank you so, so much for sending this wonderful piece to me 🥺 ilysm! 💌💗

[thewholecrew]

@headstrongblake said: ♛ — [sender] knocks on [receiver’s] door asking for some candy / nick & kass

with the finishing touches done to their make up kassy grinned before bringing her fingers to her mouth to make a loud whistling taking in octavia's completed costume, "daaaamn girl you look so good it's sinful," she teased as she held her phone up to snap pictures and take a video, "do a twirl for me, yeaah baby, oh we are gonna have to fend off the boys tonight, you are fucking gorgeous!" kassy was beyond stoked for tonight, she adored halloween and loved when everyone had a chance to dress as slutty as they wanted, the drinks and parties always themed with fun and spooky decorations. the vibes were honestly immaculate and with their group she knew they'd be safe which was also important.

they had gotten ready at octavia's and as her bestie complimented her back, kassy scoffed despite the smirk curling on her lips as she posed for the camera, "whaaat, this ol' thing?" she laughed. the different costume ideas she had had leading up to today had been quite lengthy but there was something about a sexy cowgirl dressed in red (1)(2) that she couldn't help vibe with most. from the bedazzled cowboy hat to the frills along her sleeves, to the tight leather and high heel boots--it was extremely extra, just like her. not to mention it came with it's own red leather whip too which had her feeling far too at home.

they were just about done posing together for pictures when there was a knock at octavias door and since kassy was closest she hopped up, striding over to it. opening it, kassy looked up to see nick in his.. costume? trick or treat, he said with his hands out, wearing his signature smirk and kassy laughed. "well, look what the cat dragged in, what... are you even supposed to be? someone who got a bloody nose?" she asked, taking in the fake blood on his lip and shirt. "how you expect to get candy with this sad excuse of a costume?" she teased him with a laugh.

"o, our body guard is here to take us to the party," she called as her best friend came to meet them. "so? what do you think? ever seen so much red in your life?" she asked, putting her arm around octavia as she wiggled her brows at nick. the two of them were both decked out in red and kassy then stepped to the side, doing a little twirl for him with a devilish smirk of her own. her hand ran along her whip to play with the frayed end. "might not even need you with this thing," she said playfully.

[zanyana626]

Look, If I was held at gunpoint to pick one & only one, I'm gonna have to go with dofp Logan cuz he's so beautiful with his lil grey hair streaks & his slutty vibes. But if I'm being completely honest, I'll always go with any variant of Logan or even Drover if I'm in a cowboy daddy mood.

if you had to pick one hugh character, which one and why? ( me personally I’m talking old man logan and drover and having them both on my bed)

[southernbluebellereader]

You are seriously the nicest 💛

I was thinking of a cowboy! Reader who invites the boys to their family ranch. Let's say in Texas so we could even get a cameo from the Vaqueros.

Reader tries to teach the boys how to ride. Ghost already knew how. Price is a natural (he has such a gentle yet commanding energy). Soap almost gets kicked immediately. Gaz is too afraid of the horse to even try at first (he gets there eventually).

Reader and Ghost go on night rides so he can show the horses his face without worry.

Getting the boys to try Texan cuisine. Watching them choke on the spice ("delete that video" "No 💖")

At some point on the cowboy vacation, they get to name a horse (and proceed to argue for 30 minutes about it).

And if you want to go slutty with it, the hat rule 🤠.

Thanks for reading my ramblings on Cowboy! Reader.

OMG STOP THIS IS SO FUNNY AND CUTE I LOVE IT. You ramble as much as you want about this, I’m ready to hear it, baby!

Omg and the reader has this really cute country accent too and is always wearing cowboy boots. For some reason I keep thinking the boots are red - idk if feel like you should make the boots be red.

Poor Soap 😫🥺😂 also I feel like by the end of it Soap and the horse are BFFs and the horse also has a Mohawk so that they match.

And yes, the Hat Rule is very important 🫢🤠

I feel like when they try to name the new horse, it’s like a baby horse that’s just been born and it’s got like black and white markings.

Ghost is trying to name it Ghosty or Mini Ghost or something. Soap is like “no he gonna be Soap Junior”

Also they each get their own cowboy hat by the end of it. They have to have their own cowboy hat.

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

Some Headcanons for Pride Month, 5/?: Headcanon that in late summer of 1984, Cameron and Donna find time to take the Mutiny gang to a gay bar

[CN: alcohol consumption at a bar]

.

The Mutiny staff go out after work together regularly, often to the arcade, and then after that, they usually go to a bar. But they generally go to straight bars, and occasionally to the local strip club, where Lev quickly becomes uncomfortable. He’s the first to go home on those nights, and because she’s an ally (…), Cameron always goes with him, and gladly listens on nights where he needs to vent.

Lev is thrilled and relieved when, after finally coming out at work, it’s not a big deal, but then, a well-meaning Bodie says, “Shouldn’t we be, like, actively supporting our co-worker? What if we go someplace different, there are gay bars, right? Why don’t we go there?” At first, Lev is not down. Harshly, he says, “And cruelly tempt gay men with what they can’t have?” Bodie does not realize that he’s being insulted, of course, he and the others starting shouting excitedly about going to a gay bar, and then Lev thinks it might not be so bad; most of his friends, gay and straight, have moved to different cities for work and school, leaving him with no one outside of Mutiny to go out with. He agrees to this excursion, thinking that even if it’s a disaster, he might get a good story out of it. 

The next morning, Lev corners Donna in the kitchen, and somewhat melodramatically, he swoons against the door frame, and says, “I know that you don’t usually go out with us, but please, please tell me that you’re coming to the gay bar with us?” Donna nearly spills her coffee all over the counter, and says, “What? When?” Slightly frantic, Lev says, “Donna, I need you.” “Aw,” Donna says, “of course!” Sighing loudly with relief, Lev says, “Ugh, you are a lifesaver, thank you!” 

He goes to exit with a flourish, but then sticks his head back into the kitchen, and grabbing the doorframe again says, “I promise that I say this with respect for you as both a fellow engineer and also my boss who can fire me at will but, can you please not dress like the church lady? You can not wear office separates.” Donna starts to protest, and Lev cuts her off, “And also you can’t dress like a soccer mom who stopped taking her anti-depression meds.” Donna starts to protest again, but then feebly says, “…well then what should I wear?“ As if it should be obvious, Lev sighs, exasperated, “Something slutty, Donna.” 

Adding creamer to her coffee and stirring, Donna flushes slightly, and then says, “I can do slutty.” Frowning, Lev says, “Can you, though?” “Yes, I can!” Donna insists, “trust me!” “Like, I’m talking, like, the outfit that sent your mother into a mortified rage, and made her threaten to disown you,” Lev clarifies, and Donna, with a rakish grin, says, “What if your mother didn’t see it, but she would have threatened to disown you if she’d seen it? Does that count?” Lev grins back at her. “See you on Friday night, girl!”

After she helps Gordon put the girls to bed, Donna meets the Mutineers in line outside Lone Star Bar, a large and spacious bar and discotheque that feels comfortably dive-y though it doesn’t look grimy. When Cameron sees Donna, in very, very short cut off shorts, a stripped, sleeveless button down shirt with its tails knotted at the waist to show off her midriff, and high-heeled cowboy boots, she gawks at her, and Donna says, “What?! Lev said to dress slutty!” Eye brows furrowing, Cameron says, “Really? He didn’t tell me to dress slutty.” Donna chuckles, “Well, that’s because he knew he didn’t have to worry about you turning up looking like Mrs. Garrett.” Cameron chuckles with her, more comfortable after having a minute to get used to how Donna looks, and says, “Mrs. Garrett isn’t so bad.” 

That’s when Lev turns and notices that Donna has joined them, and exclaims, “Well hot dang, Elly Mae!” Donna laughs, and says, “So I look okay then?” Squeezing her shoulder affectionately, Lev says, “Gordon truly is an impossibly lucky man. Hey, nerds, turn around, tell Donna she looks good!” The guys turn around, and when they see Donna, they cheer excitedly, and Arki does that thing where he hugs her longer than he really needs to.

Donna notices that while the guys didn’t exactly dress up or change their clothes, they all look better groomed than usual, hair combed and gelled into place, and facial hair trimmed (courtesy of Lev, with help from Yo-yo, who always looks well groomed). Lev even managed to get Cameron to let him brush and slick back her hair. Her vibe is distinctly ‘Marlene Dietrich in Ripped Denim,’ and Donna finds herself even more captivated by Cameron than usual.

Several minutes later, they finally make it to the front of the line and into the bar, where Donna, Lev, and half their party dance happily, and Cameron and the rest of the guys drink and chat. Donna comes back to their table regularly to rest and check in with them, and when she does, tough looking women in what look like men’s clothes say hello to her, and offer to buy her drinks, which Donna politely declines, but she also happily makes encouraging small talk with each woman who approaches her, and Cameron can’t help but envy how easily they interact with Donna. (The same women eye Cameron in this way that maybe should be mildly uncomfortable, but that Cameron finds weirdly validating.)

Lev has a much, much better time than he thought he would, and so does Cameron, and it all turns out to be a fun and freeing night of bonding for the staff. Cameron gets tipsy enough to ask Donna if she can buy her a drink, and is surprised when Donna lets her. Over a couple of beers, Cameron says, “Mutiny is gonna be okay, huh? We’re gonna be okay. I feel like if we can get it together and go to a gay bar without incident, we’re gonna be okay.” Donna giggles at her, and Cameron says, “You should come out with us more often. And I’m not just saying that because you’re dressed like Daisy Duke. You’re great to hang out with. And to work with. You’re great, Donna,” she says. Donna beams gratefully at her and says, “You know what, you’re right, I am great to hang out with! And I should go out with you guys more. And we are gonna be okay!” Lev, Yo-yo, Wonderboy, and Arki hear her, and they cheer in agreement.

[kathyprior4200]

A Villainous Meeting

 “Good morning, my fucklings!”

 Verosika Mayday, the pink succubus, strolled into the room, wearing her high heels, heart-shaped sunglasses, short black and white dress and her faux pink scarf. She blew a bubble of pink gum before spitting it out in a nearby trash can. The fellow employees sat at a cracked black round table with bloodstained high-backed chairs with eyes on the tops. The Wrath Ring imp Striker merely smirked and nodded as he fiddled with the wheat stalk in his mouth. He wore his usual gray and brown cowboy gear with a hat and boots. Fizzarolli, the robotic jester imp, looked around eagerly at the small office room decorated with circus posters and porn magazine covers. Verosika was shown in a seductive pose with her gang on one poster, while another poster showed a sinister Fizzarolli with handcuffs advertising a “Loo Loo Land’s Fizzy Buddy, Brand New Vibrating Toy, Use At Your Own Risk!” A few pictures here and there displayed Striker riding his black hell-horse BulletProof through the desert with a mane and tail of fire. Finally, Vortex, the dark grey hellhound bodyguard, stared at his phone, wearing all black clothing.

 They were located somewhere in the Lust Ring under a pink sky in an abandoned building that looked like a warehouse from the outside. Spray-painted in red were the words “D.I.C.K. Headquarters,” on the door to the office.

 “Remind me why you choose “dick” to be our name?” Striker muttered to Verosika.

 “It’s spelled D.I.C.K. It stands for Demonic Immediate Crazed Killers,” Verosika replied. “Figured it described all of us well, because we do what I.M.P. does, only better.”

 “You and your sexual innuendos,” Striker began, and then winked. “I like it.” Fizzarolli giggled.

 Verosika cleared her throat. “Do any of you fuckers know why we’re here?”

 “Because I took this job after you and I got drunk and did a one night stand?” Striker asked with a smirk.

 “No!” Verosika bellowed in anger, though she knew it was true. She then blushed and stepped back. “I drank too much beelzejuice after returning back from Earth, alright? And you happened to be there staring at me with lust in your eyes with a bottle of Inferno 66 in hand. Let me tell you, sucking prisoner dick with your gang is worse than eating shit out of a toilet. Besides, I needed some time to recover after having to walk around after Blitzo took my parking spot. When we were together, he left me to pay for the hotel room, rang three rings around Wrath and maxed my credit card...”

 “…on shitty horse-riding lessons, yeah yeah, I got it,” Striker said with a wave of his hand. “You told us the story like five times.”

 “Is it because that imp was so jealous of my accomplishments at the circus that he set all of Loo-Loo Land on fire and allowed my robotic counterpart Robo Fizz to get eaten by a dragon?” asked Fizzarolli.

 “How did you hear about that?” Vortex asked without looking up.

 Fizzarolli turned nervous. “My boss Mammon heard about the incident and was furious. He said that unless I helped boost sales, fix the theme park and capture him…”

 “Yeah, I know how you feel,” Verosika sighed. “My gang and I got a bunch of warnings and threats from daddy Ozzie.”

 “You mean Asmodeus?” asked Vortex.

 “Yeah. He wasn’t very happy that I nearly exposed the humans to the existence of demons. We go topside in disguise to feed on their lust every spring. If Blitzo hadn’t kept that fact secret…well let’s just say Valentino pales in comparison to what Ozzie can do to you.”

 Everyone shivered at the prospect of the Ring Overlords’ plans.

 “To answer your question, Verosika, it is because I failed to kill that pompous owl prince Stolas?” Striker asked. “I was this close to finishing off that wimp imp and persuading Blitzo to join me. He’s a formidable fighter, and he’s half succubus.”

 Verosika crossed her arms. “There’s nothing special about him. He just pushes people away when they get too close and only cares about his job, murder and his stupid horses!”

 “Hmm…he’d be a fun little toy to play with,” Striker mused as Fizzarolli smirked. “We can all agree on that, right?”

 Everyone but Vortex murmured in agreement.

 “Yes,” Verosika called, shoulders square. “That is the reason why we’re all here. Because of them!”

 Verosika pointed to the whiteboard which had pictures of Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie, Loona and Stolas pinned on it. Several knives were stuck inside the pictures and scribbles in red on the white board read “Fuck I.M.P.!” “Striker Is Better Than You!” “Fizzarolli Was Here!” and “Verosika, Call Me For a Good Time!”

 “And I’m gonna led this shit!” she added.

 “What makes you the leader?” Striker inquired with a raised eyebrow.

 “I’m not the leader per se. Stella organized this group and Striker recruited us,” Verosika explained. “Though I’m technically higher than imps, sinners and hellhounds, so I say the position is a good fit.”

 Striker scowled. “We get treated like scum in Wrath enough as it is. I ain’t gonna play nice if you don’t show me some respect.”

 “Prove to me you’re better than that scumbag Blitzo.”

 “I already did…in bed at the club, remember?”

 Fizzarolli laughed much to Verosika’s disgust.

 “While I will admit it felt amazing, that’ll be the last time I ever sleep with an imp. And I certainly don’t need some rogue cowboy to get in the way of my revenge.”

 “Need I remind you, missy,” said Striker, “That I’m the one who recruited you and the jester in the first place? After you were getting over your hangover, you told me to fuck off or else your friends would have their fun with me.”

 “Yeah, and?”

 “I then noticed your heart tattoo on your shoulder with “Blitzo” crossed out. Then I asked, ‘Having imp problems, too? Wishing to see a certain imp?’”

 “And I said ‘no, none of your damn business, imp.’”

 Striker continued, “But then I told you, ‘I’m on a covert mission to take down a worthless royal…and to meet up with I.M.P.s leader. Perhaps I could offer you my services to you, monetary and otherwise, if you could tell me more about him.’”

 “Yes and I did,” she said. “I remembered Robo Fizz back when I worked in the circus with Blitzo and figured he’d be a good person to talk to.”

 “Hmpth,” Fizzarolli interrupted. “His business may be impressive, but his jokes were utterly pathetic! I got to be the star of the shows while he got to be alone and unloved! Ha!”

 Verosika briefly stared at him. “You sure you didn’t get jealous because Blitzo left you behind and made more money killing people?”

 Fizzarolli turned slightly red. “What?! No! How stupid are you?”

 “Perhaps smarter than you think,” Verosika remarked, her boobs bouncing slightly.

 “Get a room, love-fuckers!” Fizzarolli mocked to Striker and Verosika. “At least I was the first villain to appear in the show! First is the best! And my Ring is higher than yours!”

 “Oh partner, even a sex bot like you…”

 “I’m not a bot!”

 “…could never handle what’s under these jeans.”

 Striker smirked and continued the story. “Then I told slutty clown about Blitzo and he seemed to understand who he was,” said Striker. “I said, ‘A Goetia is giving me cash to kill a royal and that imp leader from I.M.P. What do you say we bask in riches, glory and chaos?’”

 “I remember saying, ‘Is this a scam? Loo Loo Land must be fixed!’” said Fizzarolli.

 Striker recalled what he said back to Fizzarolli,“’Mammon sent you off on a mission, didn’t he? Just like Asmodeus gave a warning to Verosika and what Stella did to me. All our stories and failures are connected. Connected because of what those imps did. If you can help me track down I.M.P. and that prince…no more worries for you.’”

 “The show must always go on,” mused Fizzarolli. “It wasn’t like I had many other options. As long as my boss is satisfied…”

 “And mine…” added Verosika.

 “And mine…” added Striker.

 “Indeed, we must all complete this mission, or else we’re all dead,” Verosika finished.

 “Double dead,” Vortex corrected in a low voice, making the others shiver. “The Seven Deadly Sins do have angelic weapons. You’ll wish you were frozen in the Ninth Circle.”

 “Hell only has seven,” Fizzarolli added.

 “Shut up.”

 “Loo Loo Land burned down, Asmodeus and Mammon got together, we took the Hellevator through the Ring portals and the rest is history,” said Verosika. “Now I’m stuck with an imp and a robot.”

 “I’m an imp!” Fizzarolli protested.

 “You’re just a robot,” Verosika replied.

 “With partial robotic features! The model for all Robo Fizzs made by Mammon himself!”

 “Still just a sex toy,” said Verosika.

 “A useful one, nevertheless. One who Stella herself deems valuable, right Striker?”

 “She did say to me, ‘I don’t care who you have to go through.’ Never thought I’d be dealing with a bunch of hooligans from other Rings,” Striker remarked.

 After several minutes of loud arguments and hisses, Vortex barked loudly. “Shut the fuck up!”

 Everyone then sat down in silence before Vortex stared at his phone again. “I never get paid enough for this shit,” he muttered.

 “Somebody tell me any useful information about I.M.P. before I lose my shit!” Verosika barked, almost going into her demonic shadow form.

 “The only reason why I’m here,” said Striker, his voice turning calmer and darker, “Is for my money from Stella. And revenge of course. Let me tell you where I think Blitzo will be at next.”

 The villains crept closer.

 “I came to the Lust Ring because I heard from Stella that this is where Stolas likes to “entertain” himself as it were.” His glowing eyes spiraled in yellow-green hypnotic circles. “Rumor has it that he goes to Ozzie’s place to cheer himself up. Heard he suffered quite a breakup from his dear hurt wife. And to have Stella potentially gain custody over his dear daughter…man that must’ve broken that bird’s heart.”

 “Oooh what a charming little theater!” Fizzarolli remarked. “Stripper dances, pole dances, lots of lustful siren songs. Winged imps serve you food and other imps are in cages for display! Hahahaha! It is almost as good as the Big Top in Loo Loo Land!”

 “Was, you mean,” Striker smirked before the jester seethed.

 “I still perform there,” Verosika said. “When I’m not traveling around the Rings on tour. Lust is my home, after all.”

 “Greed is mine!” Fizzarolli said.

 “You already know where I’m from,” said Striker. “No one fucking cares.”

 “Mammon and Asmodeus heard the news as well,” said Fizzarolli. “I heard Stella had a meeting with them at midnight last night. That was before we all got our orders to come here to Lust.”

 Vortex looked up in concern. “It’ll only be a matter of time before Lucifer hears about this, too. Not just about the trouble I.M.P. has caused, but now that humans know of Hell…”

 “Let’s focus on one problem at a time,” said Verosika with a deep breath. “We’re in no rush. It’s not like our leader’s gonna call us and demand…”

 Just then, Verosika’s pink computer beeped and rang.

 “Shit,” she muttered. “It’s her.”

 Everyone straightened up as Verosika pushed a button. Stella’s angry white feathered face appeared on the Zoom/Doom screen. She scrutinized all their faces with pink glowing eyes, her face appearing on the screen.

 “Striker,” Stella began, her golden crown shining on her head. “So this is the gang you recruited?”

 “Yes ma’am!” he grinned.

 “Hmm…” she pondered. There’s you…there’s some clown imp, there’s a fine-looking succubus…from who knows where…”

 “The clown is Fizzarolli or Robo Fizz,” said Striker. “The succubus is Verosika.”

 “Working for a queen, Striker?” Verosika asked. “How…”

 “Long story, I already told you,” Striker said. “She’s desperate…”

 “You bet that’s right!” Stella barked. “Then again, I’m…mildly impressed that you managed to get such a…diverse crew together.” She didn’t bother to hide her disgust. “Well done.”

 Striker beamed with pride.

 “But we’re far from done! You have no idea how long I’ve waited to properly unleash these feelings in me.”

 Fizzarolli giggled and Striker elbowed him hard.

 “That stupid prick of my husband thinks he can sleep all he wants with that assassin imp…in our fucking bed behind my back! If he stays any longer, my family will be a laughing stock. I’ll be stripped of my royal status and goodness knows what bad influence he’ll have on Octavia.”

 Stella paused, brief hurt in her voice. She didn’t dare cry, though. “Sometimes I wish he didn’t have to die. That all three of us could be a good family again like we once were. He could’ve been a proper responsible father, kept the grimoire safe from the imp, and none of this would’ve happened.”

 Fizzarolli cried tears at the rant while Vortex rolled his eyes. Striker yawned. Verosika, however, seemed to listen with a common understanding. She and Blitzo had been together and then they were broken up and fighting. Although she wanted power and revenge like Fizzarolli and Striker, she knew what it was like to get the short end of the stick in a relationship.

 “Then again, I was forced into marrying Stolas millennia ago by my parents. It’s obvious I’d concern myself with status and wealth and hold my resentment inside.”

 ‘All that wealth, all that power,’ thought Striker, greedily. ‘Watch her talk on and on until the rug slips from under her feet…and the glory becomes all mine!’

  “I love my daughter and Stolas…I really do…but…I must do what has to be done!” Right then, her regal imposing side was back.

 She stared into their eyes, glaring at Striker in particular. “First of all, if any of you land a finger on my daughter, I’ll make sure your screams are heard by every Ring in Hell. She must not be harmed. But…if I have to use Octavia as leverage as a last resort to bring Stolas to his knees…then so be it. I don’t care what we have to do…I just want him dead. Do you all understand?”

 “Yes ma’am,” said Striker. The others nodded.

 “Good. Now to review the plan. Stolas and I recently had our breakup. He will be going to the same place he always goes to when he’s upset: Ozzie’s place. If you spot I.M.P., follow them, but do not attack yet.”

 She continued. “Striker, your objective is the same: kill Stolas with your angelic weapons. Keep them safe in your hands at all times, but eliminate anyone who gets in your way.”

 Striker already glowered at Fizzarolli and Verosika who were staring closely at his pistol.

 “If you use it on anyone else important,” Stella said, suspicion already in her eyes. “I’ll fuck you with your own horns.”

 Striker nodded, with the tip of his hat.

 “Verosika, you will track down Blitzo and distract him inside the club,” said Stella. “Use any manipulative means necessary to catch him off guard. Fizzarolli, you and Asmodeus will sneak behind Moxxie and take down the other I.M.P. members. Verosika’s crew and some Robo Fizzs will also join in.”

 She added in a sing-song voice, “You’ll all receive an extra bonus and royalty favors if you bring me their heads!”

 Fizzarolli grinned. “This is gonna be so fun!”

 “The rewards. Striker, you’ll be rewarded by me for killing Stolas. 10,000 souls or more. And a new home in Wrath for you and your family.”

 Striker had to roll his eyes. He didn’t have a family anymore. He didn’t just want 10,000 souls. Now that he thought about it, he wanted much more.

 “Fizzarolli, Loo-Loo land will be repaired and you’ll get to lead future productions in Lu Lu World. Plus money, your own brand and perhaps…” she whispered so only he could hear, “…freedom.”

 “Oh goody!”

 “Verosika…more tours, more sex and money for you. You’ll be the star of every Ring in Hell.”

 Verosika grinned and fluffed her long pink-white hair.

 Stella smirked in a manner unfit for a queen. “And to make things a little more fun…as a way to show Stolas what his infidelity means…a special prize for the first one to kill Blitzo for me…”

 She playfully massaged her boobs under her pink dress. All the villains minus Vortex blushed in delight and shock as they knew what she was implying. Verosika’s gang in the far back of the room watched while eating popcorn. Vortex made a face of disgust.

 Seconds later, Stella was regal again. “And you there, dog!” Stella called, making Vortex look up. “Verosika has a special assignment for you.”

 “What?” he asked.

 “Keep a close eye on that loony hellhound of theirs,” Verosika grinned deviously.

 Worry was etched onto Vortex’s face as he nodded. Though he had a girlfriend, he had found Loona adorable at the beach on Earth. He couldn’t believe what he had to do now.  

 “I’ll keep you updated on Stolas’ whereabouts and when it’s time to move,” Stella finished. “Do not disappoint me.”

 The screen went dark.

 “Well, that’s a wrap folks,” said Verosika. “Meeting dismissed. Fuck around, get some sleep, we have a big day tomorrow.”

 Verosika took out her phone and began texting.

 “Who are you texting?” Vortex asked.

 “There’s this pink southern succubus sinner named Martha,” Verosika grinned. “She says she leads an army in the name of Satan and they want blood after being killed by you know who on Earth. Ralphie and her two kids live with her there. She also wants this Mayberry sinner dead.”

 “What does that mean?” Striker asked.

 Verosika grinned. “It means…we have a potential ally in the Pride Ring!”

 “Awesome!” said Fizzarolli. “Their enemies keep growing and growing!”

 The villains laughed.

 “With so many souls seeking revenge, I.M.P. won’t know what hit ‘em!” Fizzarolli cackled.

 “Yes, but let’s focus on our main mission first,” said Striker. “Perhaps we’ll have the honor of getting to them first!”

 The villains laughed again and retired to bed.

 ‘This plan better work,’ Striker thought. ‘Because Stolas’ blood will not be the only blood that’ll be on my hands soon enough…’

[i-dont-want-your-hysteria]

The Leppard Albums: A Summary

(inspired by Every Beatles Album)

Happy Saturday night everyone

The Def Leppard EP

Joe is 19 and just wants to ride a motorcycle okay

Groupie fantasy

Zeppelin lyrics meet Rush with an underappreciated bass line

On Though the Night

IT'S!!! ROCK!!! N ROLL!!! BABEY!!!

Joe is 20 and just really doesn't wanna work in a factory anymore okay

pls D; girl D; stop D; hiding D; your D; pain!!

another... groupie fantasy... I think? ...???

Leppard in Space

Joe is 20 and just wants to write something edgy okay leave him alone

STEVE 👏👏👏 FUCKING 👏👏👏 CLARK!!!! 👏👏🔥👏🔥👏👌👌

the original groupie fantasy but it's been re-recorded

girl?? make up?? your mind???

let's be mysteriously edgy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Zeppelin lyrics meets Rush but it's been re-recorded (but don't worry they still kept the underappreciated bass line)

High N Dry

everyone in this band is a slutty bottom and this is the song that proves it

we have Mutt Lange now and this is the song that proves it

drONK TIEM

betcha didn't think we could write a ballad, did ya ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

STÊVË!!!!! 👏👏👏👏 FÜCKÎÑ!!!!!! 👏👏👏👏👏 C L Ã R K!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥👏👌👌🤙👏👌🔥👌🎉🎉

underappreciated and that's all there is to it

noooo don't go you're too mysterious and sexy hahhaha

oh god Dx oh god no Dx we don't sound like this anymore we swear Dx

betcha thought we stopped writing Beowulf-esque pop songs didn't ya ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

🚫🚫⛔👎🚫🙅‍♂️👎🚫⛔🙅‍♂️⛔ *Joe tearing his throat up for 2 solid minutes*

Pyromania

IT'S ROCK!!!!!! N ROLL!!!! BABEY!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!1!! AGAIN!!!!! 😆😆😆

the Classic Rock Fandom™ in a nutshell 😓

INTRODUCING PHIL 👌👌👌 FUCKING👏👏 COLLEN 🔥🔥🔥

betcha thought we abandoned the idea of doing a ballad didn't ya ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Joe's back at it again with the edgy songs and is getting a lot better at it too

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ∆ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Gunter 🙃 Glieben 🙃 Glauchen 🙃 Globen

the most underappreciated song on this whole entire fucking list sorry I don't make the rules

Alright, WHO in this band wants to be in a porno >:C

Joe's back at it yet again with the edgy songs but it's even BETTER this time

Hysteria

Girls Girls Girls ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS ANAKIN

🎸we!!! fucking!!! love!!!! glam rock!!!!!! and african drum rhythms!!!!!!!!!🥁

we're not furries we swear we're just kinky D: also fuck you DJs here's some false endings

we haven't made a ballad that HURTS yet so here we go (with an underappreciated bass line)

the song that invented "( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" (AKA when you cram for a test the minute before and end up getting 100%)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)😏( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)😏( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

S T E V E 😭👏👏 F U C K I N 😭😭😭 C L A R K 👏👏👏😭👏😭

nooo don't shoot me you're too kinky hahaha

a song about rioting and being #punk, but the only crime the man singing it has ever committed was getting a speeding ticket when he was 19/20

oh. oh shit. oh god. holy shi- I can't believe... ...we just accidentally made the most perfect song to ever exist :o like seriously- people are achieving nirvana as we speak I'm not joking I think we went too far with the perfection this time guys

THIS SONG IS ABOUT S E X AND WE AIN'T BEING SHY ABOUT IT EITHER LET'S FUCKIN GO BABE-

Don't 👏 give 👏 me 👏 love 👏

Adrenalize

gkKLglldlflhlADKSLALLFLSS 😆😆😆

I fucking love my wife uWu

fkKMglgllsLLslgflephpGLDLPT 😆(͠≖ ͜ʖ͠≖)😆

We're just gonna get extremely romantic and passionate for 4 minutes and 3 seconds if that's alright with you (͠≖ ͜ʖ͠≖)

this album was the most painful thing any of us have ever had to do, so here's the most serious song we've ever done to date. Steve ✊ Fucking ✊ Clark ✊ -n-

now that our mental breakdown is over, we're gonna get extremely passionate and romantic again but for a lil longer this time aiight 🤙

one of us has a protection/ownership kink but we're not gonna tell you who

you know what this album needs? a little bit more pain

we're layin down the line (and by that we mean we want sex)

we're layin down the line pt.2 (we still want sex btw)

Retro Active

Beowulf songs are back babey 🤙

I'll say that again if I have to^

we!!! still!!! fucking!!! love!!!! glam rock!!!!! we even covered something to prove it!!!!!!

Joe has now officially mastered ballads

I fucking love my wife part 2: she's a badass top

While Joe was off mastering ballads, Phil studied the blade

We covered something else bc again!!! we fucking!!! love!!! glam!!!

We rewrote Joe's motorcycle song bc we now realize it was cringe af (and it was an excuse for Joe to talk to Ian Hunter so that made him happy)

Joe has now officially mastered edgy/serious songs

it's a total bop but oh god. No. Please. No. Oh God. No. Don't. Please. No. Pls. No. Oh god. Don't.

This should've been on Adrenalize and you can Fight Me On That

Phil studies the blade (electric version)

Joe masters ballads (electric version)

Vault (there's only one new song on here so that's all I'm doing)

babe nooooo D';

Slang

Epic edgelords part 1

Epic edgelords part 2: Phil wrote it this time

everyone in this band is a slutty bottom and this is the song that proves it Volume 2: Electric Bugaloo

soft breakdown :'c

hOT DOGGITY DAMN JOE'S VOICE HOLY HELL TAKE ME N- *clears throat* I mean introducing Vivian Campbell :3 aND THERE'S A BASS SOLO MMMM 🤤🤤👌 THIS SONG IS JUST SEXY FUCKIN LIFT ME UP AND-

Phil's marriage isn't going too well

in fact, no one's marriages are going too well

severely underrated bop

We're still not over Steve's death and we never will be :c

Joe makes edgy ballads his bitch yet again 👏👏

severely underrated banger 🔥🔥🔥

Euphoria

wE STILL MAKE FAST BOPS IN CASE YOU FORGOT 🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘

Holy shit I didn't know Joe could hit a note that high

The 90s sucked for us but we'rE STILL HERE BICH 🖕

Can we pls give Sav more songwriting space on albums thx 😭💗

everyone in this band is a slutty bottom and this is the song that proves it Volume 3: Even Sluttier This Time 😏

totally different from everything we've ever done and WE 👏 MADE IT 👏 OUR 👏 EDGY 👏 BITCH

uwu but it's sad so it's actually umu

partying like it's 1999- oh wait, it actually is 1999

*hugs Viv and scREEEEEEEEAAAMMS*

Phil studied the blade and attacks you with it

*gets escorted into the back of a police car* IM GUILTY!! I'M GUILTY!!! I'M NOT INNOCENT!!! 😫😫😫

whatever edginess we couldn't fit into Paper Sun we put into this song instead

we're entering the new millennium as Kings and there's nothing you can do about it 👑🖕

X (Ten)

Stand on a balcony at sunset when you listen to this one

(insert Vizzini saying "INCONCEIVABLE" here)

the big UwU

I got ghosted and it’s actually a lot more dark and depressing than I thought also I wish I was never awake

soft and edgy and sad acoustic dads

F-U-C-K SPELLS F- I mean L-O-V-E spells love uWu

babe nOOOooO I'm sorry I suck so much DD;

this sounds like out if Work It Out and Day After Day had a kid

we're gonna have a Funky Good Time whether you like it or not 😎

E D G E L O R D S 2 0 0 2

we can't decide if we want this album to be edgy or uwu so we're gonna make it both

the same passion as Tonight but less sexy and more (you guessed it) uwu

E D G E L O R D S 2 0 0 2 P A R T 2

Betcha thought our emo phase was over didn't ya ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Yeah!

bops have been and will ALWAYS be something we have mastered- even if the song we're playing isn't ours

SAV'S TIME TO SHINE

betcha thought we couldn't cover a Blondie song, did ya ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Phil's just getting nostalgic about London it's fine 👍

don't worry joe's still sCREAMIN

in which we make this song a million times better than the original

WE LOVE ROXY MUSIC SO MUCH WE CANTEXPLAINWEJUSTLOVEHEMRMFLGPHPH

we're letting Joe have his moment ok just let him have this 👨‍🎤

yeah we like Free- so whAT??

okay NOW we're letting Joe have his real moment- he's been waiting for this moment ever since he was like 12 okay just. let him. have this just. this one time. pls.

in which we confuse literally everyone by making them think this is a song that we wrote

we just need ONE more bop, okay? Just ONE more we swear then we'll stop being fanboys (for now...)

we'll be right back, it's Bow Down To Thin Lizzy Hour

*Phil tearing up his throat for 4 and a half solid minutes*

Songs From The Sparkle Lounge

this one's actually kinda dark and heavy? :o

honky tonk time 🤠🤙

FINALLY ONE OF SAV'S SONGS IS THE MOST POPULAR SONG OFF AN ALBUM 🙏🙏🙏🙏😩

FINALLY WE HAVE MORE SAV MATERIAL I LOVE IT SM ;∆; !!!!

Phil's songs are severely underrated tho pls give them more attention

it's time for one (1) badass religious song and if you don't like it then you can Fuck Off kindly 🙃

This whole album is "Songs That Were Written By Phil and Viv and Sav" heaven

I think sometimes people forget that we, even as a band, are fans of the Classic Rock Fandom™ too, and we feel the same pain as the other fans :'^)🤙

Joe's three minutes of fame on this album

Joe's three minutes of fame on this album part 2

Viv's songs are severely underrated tho pls give them more attention

Mirror Ball (bonus tracks)

we grabbed fate by the balls and screamed fUCK YOU 🖕🖕

We are still Kings™ in case anyone was wondering 👑🖕

✨PHIL BELIEVES!!!! IN!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!! AND!!!!!!!!!! BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!✨

Def Leppard (Self Titled 2015)

Is this song about playing a live show? Probably. Is it also about having a fight? Is it also about angry sex? The world may never know.

Okay this one just absolutely SLAPS, periodt.

bootleg Another One Bites The Dust

*SOBBING* THEY'RE ALL SINGING LEAD I'M-

being badass, That's The Power Of Love

don't worry, we still know how to be Poetically Edgy

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm *bump bump* hooked on a feeeeling

I've Got a Spiritual Romantic Boner

Can't Keep Away From The Flame edginess gets crossed with some Zeppelin charm and badassery

someone in this band is fucking piSSED 😠😠😠😠

we're gonna @ someone tonight fellas

sAV OH MY GOD BABYYYYY 😰😰😭😭😭😭 DO YOU NEED A HUG

what if we tried to cross newer Metallica with Nickelback 🤔

what if we turned this into We All Need Christmas three years from now... 🤔

Bonus: Personal Jesus/We All Need Christmas

Viv really wanted to cover ABBA but everyone said no so he settled for cowboy goth™ instead

What better man to write a warm and fuzzy Christmas song than the warm and fuzziest man alive (Sav)

[sebsxphia]

Rhett loves him a domestic woman. He has a housewife kink and that’s all I have to say bestie

bestie, that’s all good, that’s all you gotta say, because i get it!!!

He totally does. He loves a domestic housewife who will always have dinner on the table for him, clean bedsheets and hot coffee ready for him in the morning when he’s feeling particularly hungover.

But he would treat her like a real diamond girl. He would pay for the groceries, always buy her new frilly dresses (that are just gonna end up on the floor anyway, or ripped from when he hitched her skirt up a little too hard, when he bent her over the table and stuck his face in her pussy that one time) and he would take her out to her favorite diner every Sunday.

You’d be grinding onto his lap in the living room, riding his cock, your pink dress pushed to the side. He’d hold onto your neck, his fingertips reaching up to squeeze your cheeks lightly, “my pretty little housewife.” He’d groan.

thank you so much for this bestie, holy shit!!! 💌 i will do anything to be this mans housewife!!! please send more for our favourite domestic slutty cowboy!! 💖

[redemptionbaby]

So! You've been posting a bit about Prof Arthur, and since it's Halloween month, what would he think if his student reader came in in a sexy costume! School girl, or cat, or whatever!

Ok so first of all

I think it would be REALLY funny if Arthur was super psyched for Halloween because he wanted to see you come in a slutty costume to class and you roll up like

But here are your headcanons anyways

Prof!Arthur

He knows he’s a total creep for hoping that you show up in a slutty costume, but he can’t help it. He’s never been so excited for Halloween, not even when he was a kid.

He always comes up with some nerd costume he can tie into the curriculum. Like Darcy from Pride and Prejudice or something.

But Arthur is an idiot. He thinks that he wants to see you in a sexy costume? That’s not what real men want. Those are a dime a dozen. He sees hundreds every year and they mean nothing to him.

When you come in with a big frilly cow print skirt, cowboy boots, a hat, little cow ears, a tail, and a bell around your neck, THATS what he wants

You’re a cowgirl

And you make a damn cute one too

Suddenly he feels silly in his ruffled necktie and frock coat. Not just silly, but hot under the collar.

It’s a good thing class on Halloween is pretty much a joke, cause he wouldn’t be able to teach if he had to keep looking up every time he heard the jingle of of your bell

Nobody wants an after class conference, and it’s a blessing, cause all Arthur wants to do is spread you out on his desk and lavish some sweet attention on those breasts of yours until you’re crying

His tongue and teeth pulling at your nipple while his hand kneads and squeezes at your flesh

You wanna dress like a cow? He’ll treat you like one. But in the end, it’s gonna be you milking that cock of his, and you know it

[chaoticsagi]

Fictober 2019 | Day Twenty Four | “Patience… is not something I’m known for.”

Prompt: 24-  “Patience… is not something I’m known for.”

Fandom & Ship: Community, Jeff x Annie

Summary: Jeff and Annie accidentally wear matching halloween costumes, based off of an anonymous prompt and a fictober prompt

She may have made a tiny mistake in picking out her Halloween costume this year...

The site says it’s an adult size small, but considering how short and... revealing it is, Annie isn’t so sure.

She originally intended on being a nurse, not a sexy nurse. Britta is definitely not going to approve of this, she says to herself as she stares at her reflection in the mirror.

It’s not all that bad. She has to have the zip up as far as it can go to show minimal cleavage, and when paired with some stockings, the dress doesn’t look too short...

At least she looks good in it. That counts, right?

She doesn’t really have time to do anything else with the outfit. Most of her other clothes are packed away, ready for her move into Troy and Abed’s apartment, and she doesn’t have another Halloween costume on hand. 

Her thoughts are stopped by the sound of someone banging at her front door. She almost panics, until she remembers Jeff’s her ride to Shirley’s Halloween party. 

“Annie, hurry up!”

“Wait a minute!” She calls from her room, giving herself time for one last lengthy look in the mirror. She flattens the skirt, pulls the zip up for extra measure, and slowly makes her way to the front door.

“You know Annie, patience is not something I’m known for....” Jeff says as she opens the door, but his voice lowers at the end of his sentence, when his eyes meet hers.

Um. Wow. She looks incredible. This is definitely not something he’s fantasised about before... nope.

“Hey, you hardly had to wait a long time. I was only a minute,” she smiles up at him all innocently, as if she has no idea how good she looks in her little get-up. 

Then her eyes flicker downwards, and she sees his outfit. It’s like a lightbulb flickers above their heads at the same time.

“So a nurse huh?” “You’re a doctor!” they say at the same time.

“Oh god. Everyone’s gonna think we planned this,” Jeff moans.

“It’s just a coincidence,” Annie offers with a laugh. “It doesn’t have to be awkward if we don’t let it.”

“You don’t understand,” he rolls his eyes at her, but in all honesty he actually has to look away from her because the sight of her in that nurses outfit is kind of driving him crazy. “Forget it, let’s go.”

He’s mostly silent for the car journey, and Annie can just tell he’s thinking about how he can get out of people thinking they’ve planned a couples costume.

But she does have to admit - even if he can’t see it - it’s pretty funny.

“Why did you decide to be a doctor anyway?” she asks. “I thought you’d go for something... for lack of a better word, sexy.”

“Annie, I make any Halloween costume look sexy,” he looks at her, the glow from the red light illuminating his features and making him look even more devilishly handsome.

She rolls her eyes in response, even if she is inclined to agree. She remembers how good he looked when he reluctantly dressed up as a cowboy.

“Women love doctors and that’s a fact. I’ll be irresistible,” he winks.

“To who?”

“Everyone,” he shrugs.

She nods and stays silent, not wanting to tell him how right he is. 

Besides, she can’t imagine him hitting it off with any of Shirley’s Greendale friends. 

-

“Jeff! You’re here,” Shirley coos when they arrive. He’s strategically walked in front so he’s spotted first, making it look like Annie’s copied his costume. The sneaky bastard.

“Annie!” Shirley sings, but her mood falters when she spots the young girl’s costume. “Oh Annie, I thought you were one of the good ones!”

“Shirley!”

Britta arrives next, as if this moment couldn’t get any worse.

“Annie! What are you wearing?”

“Did you plan this with Jeff?” Shirley adds. “Oh honey, you don’t want to be anybody’s slutty nurse...”

“—and think of the gender stereotypes you’re perpetuating.”

“Guys, please!” Annie interrupts them, watching as they step back slightly aghast. “It was just a funny coincidence. And I also thought this costume was going to be a lot more... Age appropriate, trust me.”

“Women have always got to be a sexy version of something on those costume sites, Annie. That’s why you have to go for a costume like mine if you want to stick it to the man,” Britta gestures down to her Crayon costume. It’s certainly a statement.

“You look great, Britta,” Annie smiles.

“Well anyway, let’s go get you a drink,” Shirley takes her arm and leads her to the kitchen where Troy, Abed and Jeff are waiting for them. Pierce is nowhere to be seen but Annie doesn’t question it.

“Annie, NICE,” Troy announces when she walks in, earning a glare off of Britta. 

“Did you plan this?” Abed asks, pointing between Jeff and Annie.

“No.” They say at once. Jeff rolls his eyes.

“Classic,” Abed laughs.

“Seriously you look great,” Troy adds, handing her a drink.

“You guys didn’t compliment my costume!” Britta interjects. Her cheeks are flushed and she’s practically staring at Jeff and Troy like she wants to kick or kill them. Annie’s not sure which option is more likely right now, considering Britta’s tone. 

“Uhhhhh,” Troy tries to think of a compliment.

“You make a great Crayon, Britta,” Jeff offers.

“Typical,” she rolls her eyes and downs her beer, stalking out the kitchen in a huff.

“None of you complimented me either!” Shirley adds, following Britta out the room.

“I would if I even know what she was,” Troy sighs. Abed nods in agreement, staring at Shirley’s outfit with his head tilted as if he’s trying to work it out himself.

“Does she always have to wear such nondescript costumes to these things?” Jeff says to no one in particular.

Everyone nods in agreement.

-

They leave Shirley’s fairly early, all of them shooed out the door with a brownie to-go in their hands. No one is really sure why Shirley decided to host a party if she was going to kick her guests out before 11pm, but they weren’t complaining. They didn’t want to spend any more time with Gary. 

“Well, that was lame,” Jeff turns to her as they walk to his car. “I’m guessing you need a ride home?”

“That’d be nice.”

“You make a good nurse,” he smiles when he realises they’re finally alone again. And he means it, not just in the way that she looks ridiculously good in the outfit, which she absolutely does by the way. He’s surprised he’s resisted the urge to kiss her against the car door (or any surface, if he’s honest.)

“You’d make an attractive doctor - like on TV or something,” she laughs. His doctor outfit does make for interesting fantasy material... Dr Winger and Nurse Edison? She could probably write a romantic novel about those two.

“What’s that guys name? Dreamy McDreamface? That could be me.” He smiles smugly at her,

“You watch Grey’s Anatomy?”

“If nothing else is on,” he shrugs her question off as they climb into his car.

She laughs at him. She almost thinks it was meant to be, this awkward coincidence. They do make a surprisingly good pair, even if he doesn’t want to admit to it. They’ve been on enough capers together to know they have the right chemistry, a good rapport. And Annie does find him attractive, in and out of his scrubs. Actually, she’s fairly sure he could wear anything and she would still find him ridiculously hot, a fact she’d never share with him as to not over-inflate his ego.

But it’s cute. She likes it, the fact that they could be mistaken for a couple. The fact that he kept smiling at her all night and stayed close even though he really didn’t have to. Come to think of it, he barely spent time with the other women Shirley had invited to her makeshift Halloween get together, even Britta. Plus, she even caught him checking her out a handful of times too. But what did it all mean?

This is Jeff she’s thinking about. The guy who can never give her a straight answer about anything when it comes to their star crossed dynamic. The very same Jeff that gives her those looks that she thinks might mean something, and then pats on the head and pushes her away and treats her like a child again.

It’s never going to be easy with him, is it?

There’s always going to mixed signals and confusion and crushes and longing… She’s just accepted that as a fact now. Jeff is the perfect fantasy material - great to daydream about when she’s alone in her bedroom, but the reality of the situation is a lot more complex.

“Tonight was surprisingly fun,” he says, Annie hadn’t realised how silent she must’ve been while she was sitting there thinking about him. Oops.

“Surprisingly?”

“Well yeah. I thought everyone was going to make a bigger deal out of this,” he gestures between them. “But it was actually kind of nice.”

“What? Having similar costumes?”

“Yeah. We looked good together.”

She can feel her cheeks getting warmer and no matter how hard she fights against it, her lips curl into a big smile as she watches him. He’s being sincere and it’s adorably sweet.

“We did,” she grins.

“So… I was thinking… How about you be my ring girl next year? I’ve got my costume planned too and I think you’ll like it”

“The ring girl? Weird choice, but okay…” she says as she gets out of his car.

He looks at her confused for a second, but doesn’t say anything. Instead, he smiles as she waves goodbye and watches her disappear into her building.

Thank god she’s leaving this place, it’s terrifying, he thinks as he pulls away.

He can still smell her perfume lingering around the front seat, and smiles when he imagines her sat next to him, still in that little nurse’s outfit.

For a second, he finds himself wishing he’d kissed her goodnight. 

Oh god, what has she done to him?

[riotatthemovies]

Zombie Hunter 2013 blllarrrgg

Zombie Crapper uhh I mean Hunter 2013

In a sea of direct to Walmart's cheap dvd rack of low budget horror and sci fi flicks, that put Danny Trejo on the cover, comes Zombie Hunter. 

Generic title and generic plot. 

Straight off I will say this is a little bit more polished and better paced then maybe of the soon to be in the dollar bin American mass produced B movies out there. 

Stop me if you heard this plot before... Fiver o clock shadow rocking dude in a leather jacket drives the dessert roads of California in his beat up sports car with a shot gun at his side and a smoke in his mouth. Its after the zombie apocalypse and he is killing zombies for kicks and has no expectations to see any real people.  Oddly he comes across a far of random survivors hiding out while being cared for by a priest played by Danny Trejo. Danny is just cheap to get and he is a recognisable name so if you get him you can put his mug and name on the cover of your movie to get it actually released in retail stores. Also he does not have to be in your movie much.. which as misleading as some versions of this movies cover he for sure is not in this movie much at all.  He does get to tear his priest clothes off and fight a mutant cgi zombie that looks like a real rip off of many of the creatures you would see in Resident Evil but thats about it.  Alot of the designs in this movie look cool but are completely just Resident Evil creatures. The mutants as well as the crazy people who have gone mad from eating zombie tainted meat (thats how we get one chainsaw wielding killer Clown which is kind of fun for a moment)

Also (hang on let me rant here for a moment) when ever there is a monster or zombie with a lot of effects, make up or CGI the camera flashed purple or blue and gets shaking as well as adds that awful fake grindhouse film scratching. This is not an esteque anyone wants... it was funny in the movie Grindhouse but the joke is over. We all know you are just hiding and distracting us from your cheap effects. I know I can speak for many people when i say.. show the shit effects in normal lighting, we will have our giggle and move past it. Cause trust me we are gonna laugh at the shit acting and over done stereotypes way more anyway and you cant blur that with a blue light camera filter.  

Seriously the mysterious wandering hero talks in the worst Solid Snake voice that makes me just want to slap him silly with a dead fish. Our hero wandered in a leather jacket that looks like Sting (the singer not the wrestler) crossed with a strung out Constantine does not have the presence to walk around talking in an anime tough guy voice with out it being a complete joke.  This movie is not taking itself that seriously but it is also not as funny as that either to merit his joke voice.   Annnyways the hero called .. wait for it.. Hunter... sigh ... reluctantly teams up with the rag tag group of survivors after Danny Trejo is killed by mutant super claw monsters. Oh yeah spoiler Danny eats it early. They “team” try to get to a hidden away airplane so they can make a new go of it on a near by island... ya like I said zombie slash mad maxish stereotype.. move along. 

We get two girls , one the obviously slutty one and the other the innocent “smart one”. In terrible stereotype the innocent smart one gets laid by the hero and right away lets her hair down starts to look sexy and now is tough enough to defend her self to... well thats what quick sex with a strange will do to you. Then we get the cliche slutty girl that is basically there to be annoying but just leads to that american movie myth that in the dessert there will always be a big boobed blonde in a small t shirt and cowboy boots. It’s these kind of stereotypes that I find entertaining but when you stop and write about it you realise that zombie or nuclear apocalypses near desserts tend to be very white ... odd isn’t it? 

We get in this movie....

Stereotype anti heros...

Cameo of Danny Trejo so there is at least one mexican still in California..

One mad max style car that crashes early cause it probably didn't work anyhow..

Many zombies that can have there heads cut off with simply the use of a knife..

Many cgi mutants...

Cleavage...

A killer clown with a chainsaw, like I mentioned.

And 2 different moments where we watch people pee (cause that is obviously entertainment for your money).

All rolling up in an ending you have seen many times before packed in with songs by bands that sound like they should be called “3 doors theory of a nickleback calling”  The kind of feeling that makes you realise that a Nevada truck stop in an apocalypse or right now would be no different what so ever.

I have seen many cheapie zombie movies in the direct to dvd or streaming section of the last few years and shockingly this is one of the better ones... listen what I am saying is this genre is fucking shit. I watch these movies so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.  Now watch me walk away as I light a smoke while I walk away from a gas station... throws my match over my shoulder.. mutters.. “who gives a fuck anyways” as the match touches a puddle of gasoline and BOOM everything explodes behind me as I keep watching in slow motion while popping the collar of my jacket and putting on some old sunglasses..... hear that guitar ..... fuck ya....     ... ...   fart