#he’s a fucking genius he’s a complete moron he’s my baby girl and my favorite guy

[cedarsmoke4]

Mechanic AU Heisenberg, disappearing beneath his pet lycans: “omg you guys are so happy to see me, yay!”

Heisenberg, reappearing a moment later with a large chunk of flesh missing from his shoulder and blood spraying everywhere: “look, a love bite! they love me!”

[wingsporkhalo]

He’s Mine: A BakuDeku Fic Spork- Chapter 3

Eyyy it’s time for chapter 3! Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Last time, Katsuki attempted to confess his “love,” Izuku was forced to dress as a girl, Shoto kidnapped Izuku, I ranted about people uke-fying my favorite characters, and Kirishima offered some terrible advice! In today’s installment, Shoto makes terrible jokes and lies to Izuku’s mother, Izuku and Shoto go on a date, and our helpless damsel protagonist gets attacked by a villain!! Also, I provide several of my own takes on the pairing! Special thanks as always to @kittykatz009​, @the-wizard-l​, @satsuneade​, and Phos! Thanks especially for the art, Satsu! LOL

Me: Thanks for the summary, Izuku, but wouldn't your time be better spent experiencing new events?

"OH WELL AS LONG AS THEY SAID SORRY, MY SUFFERING IS RENDERED MEANINGLESS! EVERYTHING'S GOOD!!"

Wiz: OH JOY Me:

My mum shouted me

That's right. She just... threw her head back and screamed MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE as loud as she could One of our neighbors thumped on the wall. "MAKE HER STOP DOING THAT!" I heard a muffled voice roar on the other side. "I'm sorry!" I shouted back. "I don't know why it keeps happening!!" Wiz: JTRHSDGF

Satsu: Oh god Phos: Jeez Me: Wow, okay, sure, just declare yourself someone's boyfriend without asking them first. Wh... Where's Inko going? cOME BACK! WE NEED AN ADULT PRESENT Satsu: Okay but why isn't Inko questioning Deku about this!??? Me: FOR REAL THOUGH "Also, I found some girls' clothing in your bag... Honey, you know you can tell me anything. Is... everything all right? You know I love you no matter what, right?" "mOM STOP YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME" Satsu: HER ONLY SON HAVING A BOYFRIEND FOR THW FIRST TIME SHOULD BE AN IMPORTANT MATTER Ndvdkfbfkfbksbd Phos: "Truth is I got dressed up in it against my will." "Did they apologize?" "Yes" "Then that’s all right!" Me: I'd love to say it's completely out of character for Shoto to respond to a question with a shitty pun he's no doubt spent hours coming up with... but I could definitely see him doing that, actually but not THIS shitty pun Not THIS one this one... is uNBEARABLE SAVE ME lskjfslkdj pHOS I like how there's a lone quotation mark there, like that line was so fucking bad that even the punctuation is trying to separate itself from it Satsu: SKBFKWBGKDBSKDJIDBFJD 😂 😂 Me: AFTER THE PARK?? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THERE? WAS THAT JUST NOT IMPORTANT??? AREN'T YOU WRITING ABOUT THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE RELATIONSHIP?? WHAT THE FUCK Wiz: tjdafgfdhgfhg Me: THIS PERSON'S WRITING!!! IS SO FUCKING BORING!!! PLEASE, GIVE ME SOMETHING!! THE CLOSEST WE EVER GOT TO DESCRIPTION WAS THE LOST CAT THING AND EVEN THAT WAS COMPLETELY INANE Oh boyyyyy the next part

Satsu: They just got there and went back lol Me: I wish this author could be stoped Satsu: Omg she had FANS XDDD Phos: She has tiny electrical fans in her mouth. They’re completely shorted out by now, but that’s what you get. Me: "I'm glad I'm here with you, Tod--I mean, Shoto-kun." "Me too, Izuku." [silence. A crow flies overhead. Crickets chirp.] "Well, this was nice, Izuku, but I should be getting home." "Wh...what? But we just g... uh. O-Okay...??" Satsu: KDBDKFBFJX Me: [throws some rabbits in the air] Two high-up buns I mean, you ain't wrong, Toga DOES have lots of fans, but how could you tell that from looking in her mouth?? A Japanese girls uniform? Uh... is... is there a uniform that all Japanese girls must wear? That sounds like some kind of dystopian hellscape??? Wiz: Not wearing your japanese girl uniform? sirens start up Me:

(Guessed who it is ;))

Yeah, as with everything in your writing, it didn't take a genius to figure it out. It may take a psychologist, however. Satsu: Poor Deku, can't really defend himself even though he has One for all's power and has defeated so many villains already :( Me: I KNOW LIKE WHAT THE FUCK 😂

"Your cute come with me!"

Okay like... if you're going to bother putting an actual yandere into the story, let alone one who is canonically in love with Izuku/wants to murder him, don't you think her dialogue should be a little more characteristic?? Like, uhhh, "I've been waiting to see you again, Izuku-kun! Did you miss me?? I missed you. But it's okay. You'll never go anywhere without me again~" Y'KNOW SOMETHING SCARY AND UNSETTLING Satsu: "hey cutie ;)" Phos: That’s really good dialogue on short notice, Mom Me: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ALIWAY [someone points to a girl named Ali] "about 140 pounds" aww, thanks Phos!! <3 Why would Izuku follow her though?? He KNOWS what Himiko Toga looks like!! He has fought her before!! Good lord!!

When I saw it my body trembled and I backed up to the wall

Bitch!! This kiddo faced down the League of Villains, The Hero Killer Stain, a humongous freakshow four times his size with prehensile muscles, a performance-enhanced metalbender, several morons in plague masks, and a terrifying maniac who had rearranged his body into a titanic monstrosity with four arms, and didn't back down!!! What the fuck show are you watching???

She cut my cheek

And Izuku just... stood there, I guess, with a bit of drool escaping his semi-open mouth as he stared at nothing vacantly. Wiz: :’)))))) Me: And then he just passes out for no reason?? I?? I don't get it! Was it because of the explosion? Did he get cut a bunch more times (but we never knew because the author was incapable of describing it to us) and pass out from blood loss? Or is he just so frightened of this admittedly-terrifying girl that he just swooned onto the ground???

Sure. Because visiting Deku is something he does all the time I guess. This is so pointless, so bad, so unbelievably boring, oh my god author I've met trees with more personality than your writing. Literally I read a book where a tree was the main character and it was one of the most interesting books I've ever read Wiz: y e p Me: also, there's the "my deku" again [rolling eyes] Satsu: oh god

Satsu: Did Kacchan seriously stalk him for more than two hours Me:

I ran to wards

I hope it was to a psych ward; that's where I'm headed after reading this. Satsu: was it really two hours because nothing happened there apparently Me:

And hit her in the face with my quirk. When I was done beating her up

Oh my god you idiot. You fool. You are like a little baby. Himiko Toga is not so easy to defeat. She's a notorious killer who's wanted for dozens of murders, and she's also a master of deception, extraordinarily quick-witted, and really good at knowing when it's time to skedaddle. >:C Satsu: Two things: He didn't recognize her even though she's from the league of villains Also, he just... Left her there..... Jaz: I'm so offended that they butchered Toga's characterization like this Me:

"Deku?" I asked while shaking him a bit. But he didn't respond

Oh god, he's finally succumbed to shaken baby syndrome from all these people infantilizing him Wiz: fdghjDSFGHJ Me:

I checked his puls

His what now? Wiz: his puls Me: gOD STOP SHAKING HIM OH MY GOD Bridle style. I can only assume this means he wrapped Izuku around the muzzle of a horse Wiz: oh my god Me: Oh, so suddenly Inko is back at the house again?? "A crazy girl tried to kill him with a knife" "IS HE OKAY??" "...I mean, obviously not. Did you not hear what I just said" Satsu: The puls 😂 😂 

Jaz: Bakugou. What. The. Fuck. Me: I went up stairs. Just... some random stairs. I went up them. Yo but for real though... WHY DID IZUKU PASS OUT I don't think more intense stalking is the answer, Katsuki So like... how do you say "had of" but then later use the correct "would've"??? I? Maybe don't rub your finger in his fresh wound, Kacchan?? Wiz: o w Me: "Deku... who did this to you?!" "Oh that? Don't worry about that. I was chasing a stray cat and it, uh, got a little temperamental" "...were you shirtless during this?" "Yeah!" "........why??" "I had just gotten out of the shower." "................look, never mind. My fault for asking." I like how Katsuki's like "I'll make her pay for hurting Deku" but for the past decade it has in fact been him who has been hurting Deku Wiz: OH RIP Satsu: OH LORD Me: I don't get it; why is he just rubbing all these scratches? I can understand if he like, gently traced them with his finger? but you keep saying RUBBING and I'm like, what kind of strange fetish is that??? Wiz: That sounds ow fjcmv Me: So he just intently stares at his childhood "friend" until he himself loses consciousness. Sure. Makes sense. Inko pokes her head in later like "Boys, I made you some sna--oh. They're asleep. Uhh, I guess I should call Mitsuki and let her know Katsuki's staying over... that's nice. He hasn't spent the night since they were four" Satsu: Aww that's actually cute, but very impossible in canon 😂 Jaz: Lol it really is Me: that reminds me of a tiny something I wrote thanks to one of these badfics that I should share with y'all

Jaz: Hey look, it me Me: When u stan two characters becoming friends instead of becoming boyfriends Satsu: Omg 😭 😭 😭 😭 Jaz: FRIENDSHIP Me: YEP I friend-ship them so hard (': Satsu: SLOW-BURN FRIENDSHIP Me: SLOW BURN FRIENDSHIP ALSKDAJ;FKLD I LOVE IT Jaz: Hey, that is AMAZING Me: Katsuki: Fuck that. [holds up his hands, which are sparking] I burn everything fast Kirishima just puts a hand on his shoulder like "whoa, slow down there, ya little pyro"

OKAY, WHAT THE HELL! TOGA INTRODUCES HERSELF TO IZUKU WHEN THEY FIRST MEET, AND LATER WHEN THEY MEET AGAIN HE REMEMBERS HER BY NAME (and Toga looks... uhhh, a little too happy about that). HE KNOWS WHO SHE IS Satsu: Kzbdkfbjejdbd I'm crying at the had placed his head on his chest Me: I'm crying at the fact that apparently Bakugou is able to wrap his hand entirely around Izuku, because I guess he suddenly has Kendou from class 1-B's Quirk now And also "I tured my head" like oh really? Did you need a ture guide? Was it like, an Inside Out thing?? The idea of Izuku sleeping with his head on Katsuki's chest is cute, but I don't think they would willingly arrange themselves like that. It's more of a "we happened to pass out like this after being smashed out of the sky by a villain" pose, and when one of them wakes up they'd be like "aAAAH OH CHRIST OH FUCK [scrambles away like they just woke up cuddling a giant spider]" "he moanded" oh my god save me 😂 Wiz: moanded Satsu: Oh nooooooooo

Wiz: wh Me: "as soon as he [let go of me] I got away from him" Hey look, the first in-character thing that's happened THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME I like how Inko only exists when the author needs her to

"Coming!" I shouted back

Already? He only moanded once WHY WAS THAT ALL YOU HEARD FROM YOUR MOM? IS SHE LIKE, FADING OUT OF EXISTENCE AGAIN? MAYBE ASK HER WHAT SHE MEANS BEFORE SHE BECOMES MIST? "HEY MOM, DO YOU MEAN HE HAS YOUR BLESSING TO CONTINUE TO ABUSE AND TORMENT ME LIKE HE'S BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 11 YEARS OR SO??" Wiz: :'))) Me: plus, is she forgetting that a DIFFERENT attractive teenager claimed to be Izuku's boyfriend yesterday?? Jaz: my head hurts from this

Wiz: There is so much happening but also nothing, I'm just. what. Me: Izuku is so fucking dumb in this story that he, to use a phrase I saw in a post today, "wouldn't know how to pour water out of a boot if there were instructions on the heel" Wiz: I freaking love that phrase Jaz: "but Kacchan was already finished.... I guess we have that in common" WHAT THE FUCK Me: And again, he only moanded once. Pitiful Jaz: get these bois to a doctor Satsu: And that's why they have to marry Because they have so much in common Me: Also, why is Izuku clutching his chest? Did he sprout boobs because the author has feminized him so fucking much?

He scoffed his breakfast down.

Okay. "You call yourself a waffle? Pathetic. Eggo, you say? More like, Egad, this waffle sucks." Jaz: WING OMG

Me: Without the umbrella? I suppose it's just as well. Even if it was raining, the author would never tell us Jaz: THEY SPELLED “DAMNED” RIGHT OH MY GOD Me:

while walking

oh my god, for real? couldn't you at least tack that onto some dialogue? Like, I asked while walking??? Jaz: too much work. they had to put all the effort into spelling damned right Me: PFFFFFFFFF The last line there is so depressing because it means the author IS aware of how Katsuki acts in canon... and has chosen to write him this way regardless

"I'm... mm [struggles to speak]" "Kacchan?? Are you okay??" "Yes, it's just that whenever I try to say something in-character my mouth snaps shut and I MMM-MM [flails around desperately]" "[panicking] oH NO! WHOSE QUIRK IS CAUSING THIS" Satsu: Ldbdkdbdkf Me: I like how the author makes Katsuki delay telling him The Big Important Thing until after school... which adds like a whole 6 sentences to the story instead of being a "haha, you'll have to wait for it, readers!" thing And I like how Izuku is self-aware enough to tell people where he's going and who he's hanging out with, but not self-aware enough to realize that he's in a love triangle apparently. Satsu: Of course this is the thing I decided to do to finish my art block lmao

Me: lKJF;LGKSEJRG;AWLKJGD;LKJE;GIJW;EGJS;LKJS;GLSKGJF Wiz: oh my god beauty Me: IM GONAN FUCEKN CRY OMGGGGGG Satsu: THEBIMAGE WAS STUCK IN MY HEAD, I AH TO DO IT LOLLL Me: I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT I CHOKED ON MY OWN SPIT AND COUGHED A LOT [WHEEZES] Phos: Oh my GOLLY THAT’S SO GREAT Satsu: I'M SO SORRY MOM DLVDKDVDKD Me: "Close your eyes!" "Uhhh, Kacchan? Last time you held something behind your back and told me to close my eyes, you threw an angry squirrel at me and then recorded me running around trying to get it off me" "Psh, that was a long time ago, nerd. I'm different now." "That was last week, Kacchan"

"Is it--" "It's not a fucking squirrel, all right! Just do it!!" "o-okay!" Jaz: that picture is so beautiful omg Kacchan isn't going to be happy you dropped those roses Me: Mkay so if Bakugou suddenly kissed him, I think Izuku would leap back and be like "WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE KACCHAN" "No, it's--listen, it's really me, okay?" "LIAR! WHERE IS THE REAL KACCHAN?!" "I'm right here, you moron! [puts both hands on his chest] I'm Katsuki Bakugou! Cross my heart!" "AHA! YOU'VE SLIPPED UP! KACCHAN DOESN'T HAVE A HEART TO CROSS!!" "Wow, that was kind of fucking uncalled for, but I guess I can see why you'd say that" Jaz: lmao oh my god Wiz: DPESN'T HAVE A HEART TO CROSS Satsu: Kdbsjdhdbd I love that when you write them it's like they go back to normal, oh my babies ;-; Maybe the're just actors on a very bad romance series Me: And then yeah he would absolutely yell at him for dropping the flowers and Izuku would be like "[squints suspiciously] .......Kacchan?" "YES, for the three trillionth time. Jesus, I knew you were an idiot, but I didn't know you were THIS dumb. Now pick up those fucking flowers before I blast a hole through you" "[clutching his own head] wHAT IS HAPPENINGGGGG" Jaz: now THAT'S the Kacchan he knows! Me: What a beautiful greeting for a heartfelt love letter

Wiz: they spelled damn right :oooo Me: I know; it's almost as amazing as their utter disregard for canon Jaz: oh jesus Me: Izuku would stare at that letter for ages and find a hidden message in it Izuku, reading the note: "Hey, damn nerd... Even though I didn't get to tell you yesterday, I was trying to say that I'm in Love with you. I want to go out with you. Let me know what you think. PS- Tell anyone else and you're dead." [long pause] "...............oh my god... the first letter of each line... HE'S IN TROUBLE!! I HAVE TO SAVE HIM" Jaz: Afudshgoudshuigdsh

==========================================================

Next time: The last installment, in which Katsuki and Shoto fight over our damsel!

[elizaviento]

Have you ever written about a Flesh Curtains Rick? Maybe something short when you have the time, I was thinking about this earlier - either the reader meets Rick at a bar where he's playing or she is already with him and she's watching him play. And things get dirty. Of course. And I'll leave the rest in your very capable hands. Groupie Love by Lana del Rey... listen to that! :)

Mmm, thank you for such a great request.  This was fun to write.

Helping Hands

(Flesh Curtains Rick x Reader)

NSFW – 3000 words of pure debauchery.

*****

“Hey!  Hey you!  The band wants to meet you!” the burly bouncer shouted to me from across the bar.  

“What?  Are you sure?” I asked, my heart slamming the back of my ribs like a jackhammer, making my voice weak and wobbly.

“Yeah, I’m sure, toots!  They only ever wanna bring back one fan after each performance, so lucky you!”

I turned to my friend, Tara, with a look of pure terror that must have been humorous considering how hard she was laughing.

“What am I gonna do?!” I nearly screamed in her face.

“You’re gonna go back there and meet your favorite band!” she replied, pushing me toward the bouncer.  “Make sure you get Sanchez’s autograph for me!”

No doubt, I looked like a complete fan girl to everyone in the bar.  I was the only person wearing a Flesh Curtains t-shirt and the only person literally vibrating with excitement from the moment they stepped on the tiny stage until they disappeared behind it.  I had no shame in being a fan girl. However, I did hate how I had the tendency to completely fall apart every time I had the opportunity to meet someone I admired.  I knew this time would be no different considering I already had an extreme case of ‘rubber legs’, causing me to trip over my own feet several times as I approached the bouncer.  

“You gonna be alright, toots?” he asked with a chuckle.  

“No.  In fact, you should probably call an ambulance right now because I’m on the verge of a stroke,” I replied, already feeling the prickly pin points of panic traveling up the back of my neck.

“Nah, you’ll be fine.  They’re decent guys.”

With that, he led me down a dark hallway to the back of the bar. When we reached a door with the letters ‘VIP’ stenciled on the surface, I felt my head swim and my vision grow dark around the edges.

Please don’t pass out, please don’t pass out, please don’t pass out, I chanted in my head as the bouncer pounded his fist on the cheap particle wood door.

“Yeah!  Squanch right in!” I faintly heard from the other side.  Feeling completely overwhelmed, I grasped the meaty forearm of the bouncer and held on for dear life.

“Maybe it wasn’t me they wanted to meet,” I said, looking up at him.  

“You’ll be fiiiine,” he assured again, prying my hand from his arm before turning the knob and swinging the door wide open.

And, there they were.  Birdperson, Squanchy and Sanchez – just chillin’ on a ratty, stained old sofa in the back of the room.

“Hey!  Nice to squanch you!” Squanchy shouted, jumping from the couch to scurry over to me.  I couldn’t believe how fucking adorable he was as he began to affectionately rub against my leg with a delightful purr.

“Jeez, Squanch.  Take her to dinner first, huh?” Sanchez said.  My gaze drifted in his direction as he leaned casually against the armrest of the couch with a cigarette dangling gracefully from his fingers.

“Ah, I’m sorry!” Squanchy apologized, looking up at me with Puss in Boots eyes.  “I just get so excited when we get to squanch a fan!”

“Um, it’s no problem,” I said, my voice wobbling again.  God damn it.

“It is, in fact, very nice to meet you.  We don’t encounter many humans,” Birdperson chimed in from his place on the opposite end of the couch.  I could actually feel myself sigh like a love sick school girl at the sound of his voice.  And, his feathers… what a gorgeous specimen.

“Come sit down and have a squanch with us!” Squanchy said, taking my hand in his little paw to lead me to the couch.  His carefree attitude was actually soothing and I felt myself start to calm as I watched him jump on the couch and situate himself next to Birdperson, leaving the only open space next to Sanchez who patted the cushion in a gesture for me to sit.

“So – uh – what did ya think of the show?” Sanchez asked, leaning toward me to drape an arm over my shoulders.  My body involuntarily jerked in response and I felt on the verge of panic once again.  He must have noticed because he chuckled softly before taking a drag from his cigarette.

“It was great, of course,” I replied, not looking at him.  If I looked at him, I would immediately drop dead – no doubt about it.

“Yeah?  What was your favorite part?”  Now he was leaning closer, practically whispering in my ear.  Holy fucking shit.

“Umm –” I started before Birdperson swooped to my rescue.

“Don’t mind Rick, miss.  He can be quite aggressive with attractive human females.”

Uh, what?

“Hey, not – not just humans,” Sanchez – Rick – said, leaning back toward the armrest of the couch again.

I sat ramrod straight next to him while continuing to avoiding his heavy gaze.  From the corner of my eye, I saw him take another drag from his cigarette, the ashes dangerously close to falling from the tip to land on his skin tight leather pants.  

“Would you like a drink?  I can go squanch you one right now!” Squanchy asked, hopping from the couch to a wet bar in the corner of the small room.

“I suggest something alcoholic to help calm your nerves as you appear to be very anxious,” Birdperson said.  I felt my cheeks heat up.  Was it really that obvious?

“Yeah, okay,” I agreed.  “I’ll have… whatever.”

“Good choice,” Rick snickered, finally leaning forward to flick the cigarette in the ashtray sitting atop a beat up coffee table.  

“Aw, come on Rick!  Be nice to our guest!  She seems like a squanchy kinda girl!”

“Let – let’s hope so,” Rick replied, the mocking tone still thick in his voice.

———-

An undetermined amount of time later, I had gulped down enough vodka to loosen me up.  And by ‘loose’, I mean giggling and gushing like a moron.

“Seriously, I love you guys so much!” I crooned, leaning against Rick.  He had somehow managed to pull me closer to his side and my body seemed to just melt into his.  “Your first album – fuckin’ genius!  I still listen to it, like, ALL the time!”

“Like, allll the time, huh?” Rick teased, his gravelly voice sensually caressing my eardrums.  I shivered in response and sank even further into him with a sigh.  

“Aw, that’s great!  Which song do you squanch the most?”

“Has to be Demon Humper,” I replied, shaking my head affirmative.  “Or!  Or Deep Throat my Heart.  Such a classic love song.”

“Mmm – that – that’s my favorite, too,” Rick agreed, now trailing his long, graceful fingers up and down my arm.

Huh?

“I hate to leave when our guest is having such a good time, but I must sleep to be well rested for our show tomorrow night,” Birdperson suddenly spoke up as he rose from the couch.  

“Oh, man!  That’s a squanchy idea, Birdperson!  I need a good nap and a squanch myself!” Squanchy said, swiftly jumping from the couch to land on Birdperson’s feather clad shoulder.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and couldn’t believe the time.  No doubt, Tara had already left.  And, a text message from her confirmed it

Tara:  Hey, I gotta go!  I hope you’re having a good time.  Don’t forget to get Sanchez’s autograph for me!

“Shit,” I whispered, realizing that I would need to get a cab and dreading it since every cab driver in this area was a total creep and a half. Rick must have been looking at my phone from over my shoulder because he suddenly declared that he wasn’t tired and that he would be giving me a ride home.

WHAT?

“That’s sure is squanchy of you, Rick!  Hey, it was real squanch to meet you!  I hope we can squanch again!”

“I agree.  It was very enjoyable to talk with you, miss.  Have a safe trip to your domicile,” Birdperson said, holding out his hand presumably for me to shake.  When I extended my hand to take his, he continued – “Rick will take good care of you.”

That seemed like an odd thing to say, but I thanked them for allowing me to hang out and once again expressed my love and devotion before they exited the room.

And, then I was alone.  With Rick Sanchez.  

He didn’t waste any time.  Once the door clicked shut, he grabbed my chin to turn my face toward his and kissed me.  At first, I stiffened, not sure what to do while I screamed like a lunatic in my head.  Then his tongue swept over my bottom lip and my mouth fell open of its own accord, allowing him to invade.  He tasted like cigarettes and booze and it was absolute heaven.  And, then I remembered something –

“Um, Sanchez?” I said as he began to work his way down my jaw and neck.

“Call – call me Rick, baby,” he mumbled against my skin.

“Rick.  I have a boyfriend,” I admitted, the guilt washing over me like a tidal wave.  However, he didn’t stop; only kissed back up my neck to sink his teeth into the soft flesh behind my ear.  Unable to help myself, I moaned and dug my fingers in his tousled hair.  

“What kinda guy lets a – a sexy girl like you outta his sight, huh?” he whispered in my ear, making me squirm.  But, even through the haze of lust I found myself under, I still felt indignation rise up in my chest.

“No one ‘lets’ me do anything.  I do whatever the hell I want,” I said, defiantly.  I tried to shove him off, but he only pulled me in closer.

“Relax, baby.  I-I-I’m just givin’ you a compliment.” He was a cocky one, wasn’t he?

“I need to stop,” I insisted, dislodging him from my body.

“Okay,” he said, clearly annoyed but still determined.  “How about a – uh – a compromise?”

“Compromise?” I asked, scooting away from him and crossing my arms.

“Mmm, yeah.  We don’t have – need to touch each other to have a good time.”

As much as I hated to admit it, I was intrigued.  “Go on.”

“You sit over there –” he said, pointing to the other side of the couch, “– and I’ll sit right here.”

“And?”  

“Aaaand, we touch ourselves,” he finished with a clever smirk.

Well, shit.  I knew this wasn’t exactly a compromise, but I was having more trouble than I should with not justifying it to myself.  I narrowed my eyes at him as he pulled another cigarette from the pack lying on the coffee table and lit it, taking a deep drag.  

“Okay,” I finally relented, scooting to the other side of the couch.  A pang of fresh guilt rose in my gut, but I stamped it down.  Like I had told Rick earlier – I did whatever the hell I wanted.

“Fuck yeah, babe,” he said, placing his cigarette in the ashtray on the table, leaning back against the armrest of the couch, and unzipping his leather pants.  “Take – take all your clothes off.  I-I-I wanna see that sexy body while I fuck my hand.”

I felt a blush rise in my cheeks but countered, “Only if you do the same.”

“Deal.”

We both stood from the couch to strip.  He tossed his clothes on the floor and I draped mine over the back of the couch.  When we were both fully nude, we continued to stand and stare at one another longer than intended.  His dick was huge and I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

“Heh, see some – something you like?”  What a cocky mother fucker.  But, I felt my resolution to this compromise begin to dissolve as I pictured spearing myself over and over.

“Shut up and sit down,” I demanded, taking my place on the couch.  He did so without hesitation, fisting his cock in one hand while palming his balls in the other.

“Spread those legs – spread ‘em wide, sweetheart.  Let – lemme see that pussy.  Is it wet for me, huh?”

His filthy mouth had me stifling a moan as I lifted one leg to rest against the back cushions of the couch and spread the other so that my foot rested on the floor.  

“How’s that?” I asked, sounding much too confident.  Thank god for vodka.

“Oh, Christ,” he moaned, stroking his cock from base to tip.  I could see a bead of precum leak from the top and I unconsciously licked my lips.  “Fuck, baby.  Yeah, t-t-that’s good – perfect.  Now lick your fingers and rub that clit for me.”

I did as instructed, dragging the tips of my index and middle fingers across my tongue slowly before lowering them to my pussy, seeking my clit.

“That’s it,” he coaxed.  He was massaging his balls now and was thoroughly enjoying himself by the looks of it.

“Keep stroking your cock,” I demanded, already breathy with desire. “Twist at the tip.”

He did as instructed and I was rewarded when he thrust up into his hand with a gravely moan.  

“Shit, sweet – sweetheart.  I’m imagining that cute mouth on – wrapped around my fat dick.  You like that?”

“Yes, Rick.”

“Oh, fuck.  Yeah, say my name, babe.”

“Mmm, Rick.”  I was circling my clit slowly with my fingers, dipping inside my cunt to coat them with my wetness.

“Squeeze your tits – pinch your nipple,” he growled.  “That’s my fuckin’ teeth, baby.”

“Oh my god,” I moaned, closing my eyes to image just that.  

“Keep rubbing that clit, too.  Now that’s my tongue.  You – y-y-you feel that?  Feel my tongue on your clit?”

“Fuck, yes.  It feels so good.”  I dipped my fingers in my cunt again and swirled my fingers faster and faster.  “Keep talking.”

“Shove those fingers inside.  As many as – as you can fit.  I – I’m imagining sliding – pushing my dick in that tight cunt of yours.  You think you can take this cock, huh?”  I opened my eyes in time to see him soak his hand with his tongue before wrapping it back around his cock, stroking faster.

I shoved two, then three fingers in my cunt and pumped them in time with him.  “Yes, Rick. Oh god, your cock fills my pussy so well.”

“God, y-y-you’re so fucking sexy.   Look at me.”

Reluctantly, I pulled my eyes away from his dick to his face.  The expression he wore was one of pure bliss and I felt a shock wave go through me.

“Oh, shit,” I said, feeling the first tingles of orgasm lick at my nerve endings.

“Keep fuckin’ that pussy.  Yeah, just like that.  Go faster.  Use your other hand – rub that clit again.  How – how’s that feel?”  

I couldn’t reply with words, only strangled cries as I climbed higher.  I hooked my fingers to drag across my g-spot, fucking myself so hard that the squelching sounds could probably be heard from beyond the door.  My cunt contracted around my fingers once, hard.  I was so fucking close.

“Rick.”  I forced the words from my mouth.  “Rick, I’m gonna cum.”

“Shit, me too,” he groaned.  “Fuckin’ – look at me when you cum, sweetheart.”   He started stroking his cock faster and faster while he continued to massage his balls.  I licked my fingers again and resumed my assault on my clit, swirling faster and harder as I pumped my fingers in and out of my wet cunt.  

“Oh god!” I cried, rolling my eyes back to his face as I felt my muscles tense and tense and the pressure mount and mount.  

“Yeah,” he breathed, looking directly into my eyes.  “Fuck yeah, cum for me.  Do it.”

And, then the tension and pressure released all at once, making me scream his name as the waves rippled through my body.  My cunt clenched my fingers rhythmically and I continued to fuck myself through the aftershocks.  

“Fuck – shit, here it comes!” Rick cried seconds before thick white ropes of his cum spurted from his cock to land on his stomach as he bucked up into his hand roughly.  “Fuckin’ – ah god!”

Moments later, we were both panting and basking in the afterglow when I heard the unmistakable click and turn of a doorknob.  

“OH SHIT!” I yelled, grabbing my Flesh Curtains t-shirt from the back of the couch to hastily cover myself.  Rick made no such effort, however – only turning his head toward the door with a slack jaw expression.

“Hey, Rick!  You still here?  I forgot my squanch and –”  Squanchy stopped dead in the doorway, turning his furry little head from Rick to me.  “Oh, I’m sorry to interrupt!  Looks like you two were having a good squanch!  Well, I won’t stop ya!  Squanch ya later!”

“See ya, Squanchy,” we both said in unison as he shut the door behind him.

———-

After we had regained our composure and got dressed, Rick sauntered over to me as I was googling cab companies on my phone.

“I said I’d take you home, baby.”  He plucked my phone from my hands and shoved it into the back pocket of his leather pants.  “But first, let – uh – lemme sign that autograph for your friend.”  He ripped one of the bar’s tattered Flesh Curtains concert fliers from the wall and scribbled his name on the bottom corner.  Then he took my phone from his pocket, tapped his number into my contacts and then handed it back to me.  “Give – give me a call if you ever break up with that idiot boyfriend of yours,” he said, slapping my ass for good measure.

I narrowed my eyes at him and asked, “How did you unlock my phone?”

“Trust me.  You – y-you don’t wanna know how many answers that question has.”

To be continued… (see Holding Out, which can be found in the Rick Fic Masterpost link in my blog description)

P.S.  That last line is one of my favorite of Rick’s from the show and I love incorporating it whenever I can!

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s02e04 Psychodrama review

Episode 04 – Psychodrama

Hey guys! So last episode was really rough on me. This episode’s name suggests maybe theatre is involved? I sincerely hope so. Anyway, let’s see what this one brings.

Let’s see what happens.

Oh shit! A cop is beaten up! Fuck!

Is that a bank robbery? Damn.

Hey! I knew that naked man! He played the senator on the first X-Men movie and the attorney general in Castle!

Shit! Why the fuck is he hurting those people? What is wrong with him, the fucking moron?

Wait. Hold up. He undressed them, then forced two couples to have sex in front of everyone? What the fuck is wrong with this sick puppy?

A serial killer in the making? Oh shit, that is the worst thing I’ve ever heard come out of Gideon’s mouth.

Why is Hayley going to visit Aaron in the office?

Shit! He forgot his son’s tests. Oh my goodness, I’m so sympathetic, my baby. Oh god, Aaron’s remorseful face is seriously getting to my heartstrings oh shit.

Oscar Wilde: “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” Wait, is this straight out of The Picture of Dorian Gray? Oh snap. I mean, I don’t personally believe it’s true, cuz I personally strive to always tell the truth (if it benefits me), I don’t need to hide behind a mask.

A stripper bandit? I’m with JJ, that makes him sound almost comical. And Derek, I’m so sorry they stopped you before you managed to say the word ‘asshole’. I feel you.

Okay, so Hotch and Elle are at the LAPD  to go over the security tapes because there were issues with them and they don’t show the actual sexual acts the robber forced those couples to perform? Yikers.

JJ and Spencer are at the LAPD, too, trying to figure out where the fuck the unsub could be from.

Derek and Gideon are at the scene, trying to run down the unsub’s movements.

Bam. We got a dream team right here.

Hahahahaha, Elle is so sarcastic and in your face she has to be from New York, dude, you totally nailed it.

And popcorn? Really? You eat popcorn while watching S&M porn? Elle, you naughty girl.

Okay, so Derek’s profiling goes as such: the guy is efficient, a multiple bank robber, and something about a guy in uniform is seriously ticking him off – bam, he used to be in prison. Oh shit. Derek, you are good, and this sort of thing shouldn’t be turning me on. But it does.

“I got access to four bank robberies with security badges. What do I get to do with them?” “You know your … digital perspective whatever software?” “Digital perspective analysis rendering?” “Yeah.” “Honey, not only do I know it, I helped develop it.”

Boom. Don’t mess with Garcia, she is the wiz of all knowledge. And Hotch, don’t you ever dare forget it, get it babe?

“Honey, if he opens his mouth, I’ll give you the length of his teeth.”

I love how sassy and on point she is. This is the reason I fell in love with this series. Well, that and Shemar’s butt.

“Just keep it clean, and don’t call me honey.” Ha! Oh Hotch!

Oh god, that guy is seriously unhinged and whacky.

Fuck. He forced everyone to watch the act, and just … gross. I’m sorry. Forcing people to commit sexual acts is just so gross.

“Are we ready for something completely weird?” “How weird are we talking, Garcia?”

So there are height difference between the unsubs? What the fuck is going on?

Oh wait, it’s not the guy form X-Men and Castle. Sorry.

Wait. The bank manager erased some of the tapes to get the images of him fucking another woman in front of their kids out of the records. Oh god. He just tampered with evidence.

Hahahaha, oh god Garcia pacing is my new favorite thing about this show.

“There is nothing wrong with my software. My software is perfect, isn’t it? No, it isn’t. Why must your beauty be so painful? God!” And epiphany, because my cupcake goddess is beautiful and perfect and genius and I love you.

Also, let’s talk about the fact that Penelope is wearing leopard-print stilts! I love her!

“Pals, don’t be ticked, but I think I may have missed the sort of glaringly obvious here. How would you make yourself taller without being a different person entirely or having some sort of weird Chinese surgery?” oh my god, I love this show.

“Heels.” “Right, sunshine, but we would have seen heels, unless the unsub had them hidden inside his shoe. The point is, lifts.” Bam! You are amazing!

“With a little fancy footwork, pun emphatically intended, Garcia here managed to dig him out.” Oh my god, someone just praise the writers of this amazing show. I love you, Penelope, Kirsten, both of you.

It would be wrong to write him off as crazy? Really, Hotch? Cuz that pretty much defines craziness for me.

Told you he’s nuts.

So what they’re describing is actually happening right now? Fuck.

“How far away are we from the bank?” “Without traffic? Ten minutes.” “Let’s avoid traffic.” Bam, Hotch just bypassed every traffic jam like a boss.

So he’s an attention whore? Damn.

That kid is seriously brave, but stupid. The fucking psycho robber just caught him with a phone, and is probably gonna kill him.

Did he just fucking punch a traffic officer? Oh shit.

Please catch the fucker. Derek, help them.

Aww! Jack is so fucking cute!

Derek, how can you be so disconnected? Oh yeah, you’re still young. It’s fine. You’ll get there. Hopefully with Penelope XD

So they are now suspecting a pimp? Damn.

Wait, the pimp raped his girls in front of their little sisters as punishment? Fuck.

10 rock a day monkey? What’s that? Oh drugs. Okay. I really don’t like the lingo of drug dealers. It’s seriously weird.

That’s not the guy, dudes.

“Give me a pot of coffee and I’ll go all night with this fool.” Yeah, you show them, Derek. Except, that’s not the guy.

Oh fuck! He just started shooting at a restaurant!

And he shot a kid?

Called it! It’s the wrong guy!

He forced the kids to hit their moms? Fuck. He killed them for not doing it? Shit. The poor kid.

I’m totally with Hotch on this, but I just think he’s underestimating the level of psychosis on this sick bastard. I mean, for real? You just saw it on tape. I know you can’t believe it cuz you’re a daddy now, but come on.

So there is something he isn’t telling the FBI? Come on. Just tell them. So they can catch that sick asshole.

The robber apologized? What the fuck? There’s something wrong here.

And what did they make that guy do that was so awful?

Actors on a stage, it’s a play. Yeah, a psychodrama. That’s just sick.

“Thanks, mama.” I love you Derek.

Lady, we know you know where your son is. Come on!

Oh god, she’s doping up? Fuck. That lady is completely cuckoo.

“Key?” “No, I got one.” Bam, kicking down the door. Lord I love you, Shemar. Oh my goodness.

Crystal meth. Fuck.

He left the mask behind. Shit.

Please catch him soon.

He’s on foot. Damn.

Oh god that kid is way off the reservation. NO! DON’T HURT THOSE FUCKING KIDS!

Oh shit. That is a fucking birthday party. Damn.

Shit.

Fuck fuck fuck.

They’re at the wrong party!

Yup, there’s a bouncy castle on the other side of the fence. That’s there.

WHAT! NO! he’s making the kid shoot his mom. No! Please, no!

Yes. Thank goodness. Thank god Aaron is a good shot. Fuck.

I love you, Aaron, and I love emotional Hotchner. It is just the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

Go to hell, you fucking junkie.

Milan Kundera: “The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but that this humiliation is seen by everyone.” Who is this person? I’ve never heard of them. But they’re good.

Oh god, I love emotional self-questioning Hotchner. You see him as this tough SOB in the first season and now they’re humanizing him, and of course everyone else, and it’s just so amazing. I love the progression of this series.

 Overall? Amazing episode. Right amount of yuck, humor, emotional substance, character development. The whole shebang. Seriously. How the fuck are they getting this good so quickly? I just love this show so fucking much and am so glad I have the entire day to this XD