#he wouldn't even think about it - I feel like this would he so dishonourable in his mindset

[op-dumpstertruck]

“I got you no matter what” EXCUSE ME WHILE I CRY SCREAM THROW UP—

Yesss - if there is one thing Zoro is, above anything else, he's loyal! I haven't drawn much out yet, but I do see him being not exactly perfect with this (he does tumble along, says some insensitive stuff, really doesn't get Sanji for the longest time because they communicate badly) but! When shit hits the fan he is there! And of all the strawhats I think he'd be the most quiet/calm/stalwart support there is. (And Zoro is definitely pro choice, I do see him as someone for whom it's as simple as 'he doesn't want this so it's not gonna happen'.) With alllllll the other things they argue about, this should be a huge fight. But it doesn't happen - not here, and not about that.

[agentrouka-blog]

Do Jon think that Ned and Cat marriage is only about duty or he believes that they had love in their marriage despite their issues? He did acknowledge Ned fathering a bastard is a dishonour.

If Jon was in the frame of mind to consider the question neutrally, he would probably agree that their marriage was generally very amicable.

His view of marriage is also pretty pragmatic, when you judge the way he considers his options with Val, or how he arranges and feels about Alys Karstark's marriage. It's a political arrangement that carries the potential for personal reward - primarily children and a stable family life for himself. Love is not a focus for him in it. He compares Cat to the Night's Watch vows for Ned, but at the same time his vows to the Watch are tremendously important to Jon and form the basis of his relationship with his "sworn brothers", even an enemy like Aliser Thorne. So we shouldn't consider his focus on duty to be disparaging, because when he contrasts Catelyn as "duty" in the comparison to his Ygritte situation, the counterpart isn't "love". It's "shame", "dishonor", "confusion". ("Love" is always deeply ambiguous when it comes up in that context, clothed in mismemory, shallow physicality, confusion, double reality. His love for his siblings is never ambiguious, in contrast.)

So while he was never in a position to idealize their marriage in the same romantic way that, say, Arya was, he does understand their marriage as a general positive, an anchor of honorable stability, the basis of their family, and an amicable partnership. It stands in contrast to "I will never father a bastard."

Jon's relationship with romantic love is not tied to marriage at all. It's an abstract fantasy, or a narrative straight out of the same songs that Sansa loves, used to camouflage a traumatic situation. So I wouldn't consider it strange if Jon doesn't view Ned's in these terms, either.

[daemon-in-my-head]

I saw your post about the memories being gone forever but there’s a dialogue between the Dark Urge and Withers

Dark Urge: My old memories and past self - I can never get them back?

Withers: If thou couldst recall in full every barbarity thou hadst committed, every tragedy thou hadst authored... wouldst thou truly want to?

Dark Urge: It is a dishonour to my victims to not recall their names.

Withers: All their names are written. One day, if thou truly wishest, I will show thee, and we shall remember them together.

So Withers can restore Durge’s memories to a degree. Perhaps if Durge really wanted to Withers could restore even more. I have hope that the love Durge had for Gortash isn’t lost to the sands of time

Alright Anon first up, I love the idea that there's still this sliver of hope for Durge out there. Durge needs all the hope they can get.

But imma be honest, I don't think Withers means remember as in "congratulations your memories are back" but more like "these are the people you killed, the sins you committed, remember them and be sure to never do this again."

"All there names are written. And, if thou truly wishest, I will show thee, and we shall remember them together."

Considering its the scribe of the dead saying this, I do think he just has a list of names ready to show Durge if there should ever be a need for it. And while Jergal is a god and could probably restore Durge, memories and all inclusive, I don't think he ever would.

Because why would he risk that? Jergal is lawful neutral in 5, used to be lawful evil in previous editions. He's just here to clean up the dead threes mess and definitely not because he likes it.

Restoring Durges memories would be a gamble at best and utter foolishness at worst. Because they wouldn't just regain memories of Gortash, but also of the cult programming, the inherent fear and devotion to Bhaal, their original plans, yada yada. It could put all the "work" Jergal/Withers put into Durge in jeopardy.

Buuuuuuut this isn't to say that memories of Gortash are 100% lost. The human brain is weird and we tie smells and taste and all sorts of stuff to memories, so it's very well possible Durge gets handed a bit of steel and he has the faint memory or idea of someone who did the same once. Or they walk around the Gate and this one spot just feels particularly wonderful or dreadful or what have you.

It's just the "real" picturesque memories that are not available any longer, but certain emotions are still very much there from what it seems ig (and I suppose a revival by yours truly puts a halt to the memory loss, dizzy spells and all that fun stuff)

[tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang]

Who drinks respect women juice in tokyo revengers? And whose hands are rated E for everyone?

Ok I've given this a bit of thought and this is what i came up with (I'm not 100% on all of these though)

Takemichi- 100% wpuld never dare to hit a girl, he was outraged when Yuzuha got hit and when Emma got hurt.

Mikey- ok this one is a hard one since he said he never would and technically we never do see him lay hands on a girl. But he does threaten Senju at one point and it's implied he either hit her or hit someone who knocked into her during the final fight. Is there a middle section he can be put in?

Draken- would definitely never throw hands with a girl, sees it as being a pointless thing to do (he's also seen first hand how argumentative the girls he lives with can get and wants no part in that).

Baji- Seen people argue both ways on this one but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't throw hands with a girl. His mother would kill him. (Aside from sparring at the dojo).

Chifuyu- He'd prefer to just get beat up by a girl rather then throw hands.

Mitsuya- never ever ever, not in a million years.

Hakkai- would panic and run away if this situation ever came up.

Pah- would not hit a girl, might be a bit rude to one maybe even threaten one if she didn't back off but wouldn't actually fight a girl.

Peh- no way, he looked so upset the one time he accidentally made yasuda cry so would never want to do anything to make a girl cry on purpose.

Smiley- honestly a little torn on this one, his love of fighting and murder is very big but not sure he'd actually fight a girl. I think maybe he would but only if the girl started it and she seemed strong enough to challenge him.

Angry- he doesn't even wanna fight the guys!

Mucho- would fight a girl but only if izana or mikey told him to or she knew something about traitors.

Sanzu- would also fight a girl, literally doesn't care.

Kisaki- he's not much of a fighter but we've seen that he's 100% willing to fatally wound girls so he definitely would.

Hanma- would fight a girl but wouldn't take it seriously, feel like he'd treat it more like a game. Teasing and letting the girl get some punches in, giving her hope before he takes her down, watching the hope fade and seeing how she reacts. Doesn't go picking fights with girls though, just waits for them to challenge him.

Kazutora- would not fight a girl, he seemed outraged to find toman had been targeting girls in that one future.

Koko- would not fight a girl, he definitely seems to think girls need protecting (his comments to hakkai) so I don't think he'd want to hurt a girl.

Inui- he said it himself, he would fight a girl.

Taiju- again we have pretty clear evidence that he definitely would hit a girl.

Izana- would fight a girl if they were strong enough, otherwise wouldn't be interested.

Kakucho- would not fight a girl, he seems to be against girls being hurt in general.

Mochi- would also not fight a girl, he seems to have some kind of moral code when fighting so probably wouldn't fight a girl? Might though if they were very strong.

Shion- wouldn't fight a girl cause he sees it as being beneath him. "This fight wouldn't be fair for you against me!"

Ran- would not fight a girl, mainly because he thinks it would damage the Haitani brother's reputation to be seen fighting girls. 

Rindou- Same as Ran but for the added reason that it would be a bit awkward for him to pin a girl down.

South- again canon evidence that he would throw hands with a girl. I feel like he doesn't care about gender just how strong a person is.

Benkei- would not hit a girl, I feel like he'd feel so guilty about it with how big he is so would never. (Aside from friendly spars with Senju where he doesn't go all out anyway)

Wakasa- also wouldn't fight a girl, sees no reason to, would likely just evade a girl if one ever tried to fight him (aside from spars with Senju).

Takeomi- definitely has a lot of thoughts about what women should be so based on those I think he'd find is dishonourable to hit a girl.

Shinichiro- ohhh definitely wouldn't, he'd probably try hitting on her or trying to talk her around instead. Doesn't see any reason to hurt a girl and is most likely the one to teach Mikey that. 

[walkingstackofbooks]

DS9 5x07 Let He Who Is Without Sin thoughts (I’m re-watching, so beware spoilers for future episodes!) [14 Sept ‘23]

Odo and Sisko ribbing Jadzia about her sex life XD

It's so cute that Worf still calls her "Commander" around others.

Hmmm, I was firmly against Worf last time - and I still don't like his whole thing against Boday - but also Jadzia is pretty disrespectful to what he wants, immediately telling people after Worf says it's a private matter.

"Have you ever noticed all the stars look the same?" I love Leeta so much, I can't wait to see more of her when she and Rom pick up.

"What's jamaharon?" "I'll show you later." XD that look!

Their "casual" outfits! Oh, 90s fashion crimes... I miss you

"Aren't you uncomfortable in your uniform?" I mean uniforms and not having to decide what to wear are The Best. (And also I am very much on the autistic Worf headcanon and can imagine uniform gives him a sense of comfort in a very uncomfortable environment.)

Worf! That was Very Romantic! I did not expect you to compare Jadzia to a nebula, ngl.

As much as I think Jadzia should be allowed to reconnect with a friend without Worf's jealousy, she's also not very considerate of his feelings. Blagh.

I actually kind of like this episode more now that I'm not just anti-Worf? I do wish Jadzia was allowed to just be the single, flirtatious woman - or polyamorous, flirtatious woman - she was meant to be, though.

Worf's scowl upon finding his "bathing suit" is Very Justified.

Worf's dumbfoundment at Leeta not being with Dr Bashir is hilarious. I do still like messing with his sense of what is "right" and "wrong".

Ugh, this man wants to paint himself as a "victim", doesn't he... "I can only imagine what you must think of me." Yeah, no, it's not that people hate you because you know some secret "truth" they don't want to hear, but because you're an awful, paternalistic, condescending killjoy.

"I may be wrong, but didn't he just insult us?" I love Julian.

Boy, do I want Jadzia or Julian to stand up and speak about their experiences with the Klingons or Dominion that he couldn't begin to understand.

"You two dishonour each other with your actions!" "You mean... We didn't tell you why we came here." Actually hilarious, Julian, how?

"I hope we proved our point." You wouldn't have if Worf hadn't stopped Jadzia attacking back, you'd be on the ground.

"I did not say you were doing anything wrong. It's just that some of your behaviour-" Aghhhh, I actually hate understanding Worf because this speech is awful but also it's coming out wrong. What he *wants* to say is he's feeling hurt by her disregard for his feelings but he can't put it like that.

And what he actually says IS awful - "At times, your are too impulsive. You act without thinking. You have no self-control." - because HE'S just as impulsive as her, and in ways that have actually hurt him and Starfleet - look back to his trial!! His fight with the Jem-Hadar when working together on the Defiant! He cannot stay himself when it is his Klingon pride at stake.

And Jadzia is rightfully hurt by these words, and how Worf has generally been acting, because if he meant it the way it sounds it would really not be great of him! I hated him the last timei watched this, and I really wasn't expecting that to change!

"Jadzia you are my par'machai... and everything you do reflects on me." That was not how that sentence was supposed to end 😅

I hate it but I'm actually liking this episode quite a bit - it's the classic miscommunication trope, but genuinely not from lack of trying on Worf's part, simply from lack of ability.

Leeta's so vicious in smashing the dish!

Quark is so hopeful with Leeta's revelation that he might see some of those "fireworks" he was taking about... xD

Hmm, not so sure even the Bajoran ceremony quite makes one ready for that sort of honesty, quite so soon, Leeta...

Worf calling her "Dax" as he spots her with Arandis. Seeing her as the symbiont and Curzon, not Jadzia.

Ugh, "you're too much work". Why did you have to say that? Though I guess if the situation was reversed and it was Jadzia saying it, I'd just take it as good natured teasing...

"What I want is Worf." "Why?!" "Because he has the courage of a beserker cat and he has the heart of a poet." "And the brain of a pigheaded idiot." "Yeah, sometimes." She says that last sometimes so fondly though... maybe if she loves him that bad she does jut need to put more effort in... (Also loving 'beserker cat' rather than simply 'beserker' or 'beserker warrior' XD)

"Maybe we have forgotten how to deal with adversity." Maybe the point of having a civilization where adversity is rare is making the most of happiness? And maybe those who do face adversity - like the Starfleet staff - deserve a fucking vacation? Most people on Risa are on holiday - they have jobs and other life stresses, even in automated space communism utopia. I think Fullerton is probably the one who needs a little experience of *true* adversity. -_-

Last time Worf's story made me go "booo, a little not of tragedy doesn't mean you're allowed to be a massive misogynist." But actually, Jadzia is right, it does explain a lot. And I do give most of the other characters some slack in the misogyny area given they were written in the 90s...

"Or at least get out of this room." "... Very well." Fullerton actually sounds disappointed to be asked to leave the room that's about to collapse. Oh god, he wants to be a martyr, doesn't he? 🙃

"I will do as I please." *throws him across the room* FRICKING IMPULSE RESTRAINT WHAT, WORF?

"I am on holiday." I'm glad that amused you, Jadzia, but what?!

"I better go find Bashir. He brought a horga'hn down to breakfast and that's the last I saw of him." Quark looking out for Julian is not something I realised was a thing? But that definitely sounded a little like concern. (Unless it's a hope he can join in, I guess... 😅) (Was not expecting to get on the Quark/Julian train either but if there was a time when it was going to happen...)

Huh, the worst thing this time was actually not Worf, but Julian and Quark objectifying Jadzia... and at least on Julian's part, I think it was in jest, given I don't think she was being her best self at that time?

Alright, well - for all that people hate that episode, which had included me… I enjoyed that, genuinely! Surprises never cease...

[themagnusbane]

GAP The Series Episode 11 Thoughts

So, did I cancel all my Saturday appointments for the next two weeks, so I can see watch the last few episodes of this beloved series, the minute they drop? Yes. Yes I did. Do I feel guilty about this choice, even a little bit?

And we kick things off directly where we left off. With Sam coming to see her grandmother, wearing those gorgeous pearls in the house that is as cold and empty as her soul! Urgh. Why can't she just accidentally fall down those stairs??? It would be doing us all a favour!!! But no. Sam has to sit there, looking uncomfortable AF whilst dishonourable Grandmother sits there, talking about wedding dates with I-hope-he-soon-becomes-roadkill Kirk! And I am SCREAMING with all the frustration Sam is feeling right now. Urgh!!! This woman stays being the worst!!!!

2. Honestly, I really NEED Sam to at some point, to tell Dishonorable grandmother that since she "likes" Kirk so much, and believes that he is the only one capable of creating a perfect family and life with the woman he chooses to marry, then grandma should marry him herself. Kirk with his ingratiating ass probably won't say "no", and grandma can experience that perfect family and life that she so desperately wants, for herself!

3. Good on Sam!! Ask her the questions. It's so easy for grandma to give orders, and Sam obeys cuz she loves the old witch. But what about the other way round? From what position is Dishonorable grandmother giving all these orders disguised as "advice"?

4. Aaaaaaand of course she's claiming that she does so because she "loves" Sam. Is it really love, when you're not actually listening to what your granddaughter wants? Is it love when you're running roughshod over her wishes and forcing her to a life of unwanted heterosexuality with a backstabbing piece of shit like Kirk? Someone who's already shown very little regard for Sam's wishes, and shown that he's quite capable of going behind her back to arrange a deal with a rival company without telling her because somewhere in that big brain of his that he doesn't use, he thinks that Sam would for some reason be happy to be led by the nose to a decision she didn't ask for, and certainly doesn't want? Is that what love looks like to you Dishonourable liar? What a fucking lie!!!!

5. Of course all she cares about is reputation. Not the happiness of her grandchildren. It's why one left home and never looked back. And while the second one is dead. And now you have dearest Sam, buckling under all the weight and expectations that Dishonorable grandmother has put on her poor shoulders and I really wish I could enter this show and scream at her grandmother on her behalf.

6. Atta girl! Call her out Sam! Call her out for her homophobia and her shitty parenting! Let her see that she's already lost two grandchildren, and she's about to lose a third. Of course, she can always make the decision to adopt Kirk and have him as her grandson. With the way he jumps to her commands like the spineless lapdog he is, he definitely fits all the criteria she wants in a grandchild.

7. And now she's trying to emotionally manipulate Sam into going along with her wishes; which I totally expected, because truly there's no level Dishonourable grandmother wouldn't sink to, to get her wishes. It is clear that she has plotted out a course for her grandchildren's lives, and just one step outside of those coloured lines, has her losing her shit. Which is infuriating. Children do not exist to help you find fulfillment or to live out your dreams for you. They are independent beings, here in this world to have their own experiences, live their lives and chart their own course. Your job as a parent/guardian is to give them the tools and knowledge they need to survive in the world, and then let them go, to go live their lives and make those choices. And all you can do is hope that they make the right ones. All of this just further reiterates how horrible of a parental figure Dishonourable grandmother truly is, and that the only reason her granddaughters turned out to be decent, is because they are by their own nature, good people. Grandmother though... She is absolute trash. Gods I hate this woman so much!!

8. And this is why we push for marriage equality and queer people to be allowed to marry. Because if you live in a country where you do not have that protection, your partner can't legally be allowed to do anything for you. They can't sign forms. They can't make medical decisions on your behalf. They can't do shit. And because of the heteronormative, patriarchal society that a lot of us live in, that power is instead given to relatives who are often homophobic and don't have your best interests at heart. Add to the pain of being the partner who can't do anything for the one you love, because society insists on its bullshit and loves is so attached to the concept of heterosexuality, and they've put that power in the hands of everybody else but you, and FUCK!!! I am screaming in rage and pain because Ice doesn't deserve this. Song doesn't deserve this. We don't deserve this. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. This fucking bitch. This failed excuse of a parental figure. This absolute waste of fucking space. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???? Your granddaughter is in the ICU, dying!!! There is a consent form that needs YOUR signature so the doctors can operate on her to save her life. But all your brain can think of is to attack her lover? Seriously???? SERIOUSLY??? Trash. Absolute fucking trash. What in the rage-inducing bullshit of a behaviour is this????? Why are you not asking about Song right now??? How is it her fault that your granddaughter was involved in an accident you witch!!! The person who's to blame for the emotional state Song was in, is YOU! You Blame-shifting-energy-sucking-vampire-masquerading as a grandmother bitch!

10. A part of me wonders if Dishonourable grandmother really lacks any form of self-awareness. The fact that even after all this time, she is so quick to remove herself from the role SHE played in Song's death is infuriating to me. The reason why Song is dead isn't because she was gay you failed excuse of a parent! It's because you were toxic as fuck, and in separating from you, the parental figure who was meant to show her unconditional love, but instead wanted neat little dolls whose lives you could dictate, turned on her. YOU are the reason she is dead. Not Ice. Not her being gay. YOU!!!! And I swear, if this show tries to hurt Sam in any way, to get this witch to get her head out of her FUCKING ass to see how much she is killing the one granddaughter she has left, I WILL FUCKING SCREAM!!!!!

11. This emotional manipulation of "everything I do is for you. I've raised you since you were a kid. Won't you do this for me" is taking some many pages out of the abusive parent textbook, and Sam is so vulnerable, I just know she is buying this bullshit and URGH!!! I AM SO PISSED!!!! She's deliberately mixing her false concern with the homophobia to disguise the fact that what she really wants is to control you. Don't fall for it Sam. DO NOT LISTEN TO HER!!!!

12. Fuck! Now she's hiding from Mon. Grandmother's toxin has gotten to her. Fuck!! What's the use of having a spouse who will "protect you" when they can't ensure your joy, or protect your peace? All you will be in that marriage is miserable. You deserve better Sam. You deserve better. My poor baby.

13. Sam really does have the best friends. Look at them in Mon's house, comforting her girl. Mon my darling. There is so much you do not know about Dishonourable grandmother. Your mother has more honour in her little pinky that that witch has in her entire body.

14 But I am thankful to Idol Factory for giving me some TeeYuki fluff to help with the pain. Look at my secondary ship being so sweet. Tee keeps asking Yuki to get her things, to help preserve Sam's privacy so it's only Mon they are revealing all these secrets about Sam's family life to, and I am happy that they are respecting Sam's privacy whilst also giving us hints of TeeYuki's relationship in the same breath. And Yuki sweetheart. I don't blame you. If Tee asks me to go get water for the baby, I'm bringing a full-on tank for her! If she asks me to cut fruits, I'm bringing in the whole fucking orchard. My queen deserves ONLY the best. And she's getting it. Tee. Mommy. Have mercy. Please.

15. Awwwww. Look at our brave Mon, still going back to ring the doorbell. She's like "I will never give up on us Khun Sam", and I LOVE THAT!!!! I love LOVE that from the start of the show, we have established that Mon is quite stubborn, and has never given up even when Sam was being an absolute bitch to her! That tenacity is going to serve you well now Mon. You will need to tap into that and hold on with your bloody fingers, cuz Dishonourable grandmother will try pulling Sam over to on Comphet shenanigans. Resist!! Be the stubborn lovable Mon that we all know. DO NOT GIVE UP ON OUR GIRL!!!

16. Their interlocked fingers!!! Be still my heart!! I know there's a ton of pain coming over the next episode and a half (until we get our happy ending in episode 12), so I'm holding onto this moment of sweetness to tide me over!!!

17. I knew she was going to say she would marry Kirk. Like, we all saw the trailer. We saw her in the wedding dress. We KNEW this was coming. But shit! This still FUCKING HURTS!!! Mon's face is killing me. Looking at the pain. All that pain!!!! Becky's acting in this scene. Her tears. Sam's powerlessness. This scene is breaking my heart. Smashing it into smithereens. My poor babies. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Have I said it enough today? But I really REALLY hate that fucking grandmother. Dishonourable witch!

18. I can't deal with this!!! Like, don't get me wrong. I'm grateful that this is happening in episode 11. Cuz we know we only have to deal with this for one episode and that we will get our happy ending in the next episode. But shit. This hurts. This fucking hurts. My heart!!!

19. And now, they are saying their "i love you's" and having their goodbye sex. And this fucking hurts. This fucking hurts so much. Even down to the doggy pet name. Why does this show want to break me. I can't handle this. I can't handle this. Someone send help. FUck!!!!!!!!!!!

20. Hold up. I think my brain is only just catching up to this. But hold up. Did Mon just agree to be Sam's side-piece? Like Sam is going to marry Kirk, but still be secretly dating Mon? Cuz um... My girl Mon deserves better than to be the other woman. If there should be any othering in this drama, it should be Kirk. And by that I mean he should other himself out of the room, out of the picture, out of the fucking drama. Damn twat!

21. Aaaaaand it's fucking Kirk at the door. Urgh! His face. I really really hate seeing his face. Why do I have to suffer this injustice. Fucking Kirk!!!

22. Self-righteous deceitful prick! You are not sorry that she has to leave the company. Don't come with your bullshit lies. You know that Sam won't give you the time of the day with Mon around, and you're trying everything to keep our two girls apart. I see right through your deceitful little face!!! You can't lie to me.

23. Urgh!!! Will it be other people that will see Mon as a home wrecker, or are you talking about yourself Kirk? Because the person who is wrecking a home filled with love right now, is you!!! And I know, I already mentioned earlier that my girl Mon, deserves better than being a side-piece, but I don't want this shit coming from Kirk. You have no room to talk, or leg to stand on. Fuck you. And fuck off!

24. The soft tones with which Kirk is making this statement and asking that Mon stay away from Sam; him having the audacity to say that if not for Mon, he and Sam would already be married, is grating on my nerves. Keep fucking yourself Kirk. Piece of shit!!!

25. I briefly interrupt our moment of pain to make this very important announcement: Neung is sooooo fine!!! I swear, the amount of face candy that Gap's served us through these many episodes.Add the fact that I have a weakness for older artistic women, who work with their hands and are quite good at their craft and I've been swooning ever since. That smile as she gets for Mon's number????

26. Neung straight out calling Dishonourable grandmother a witch! I knew I loved her for a reason. She has zero fucks to give about that woman, and I desperately need Sam to get to that point before the show ends. But I doubt if this show is going to address that. They're probably going to have Sam reconcile with Dishonourable grandmother at some point, and try and mend the rift between her and Neung. When that happens, y'all can bet, I will be watching my TV, seething at the screen!

27. You go Neung! Call your baby sis and talk some sense into her. Don't let her fall into Dishonourable grandmother's clutches. Give her gorgeous tush the push she needs to walk away from the woman!!!

28. Fuck!!! Mon's packing up all her pink dresses. My heart. This pain!!!! And all the flashbacks!!! Gap!!!!!! Why do you hurt me so???? Why are you breaking me? Do you feed off my pain??? Do my tears make you happy????

29. Aaaaaand she's all packed up and leaving. Sam!! Where are you? Your girl's leaving!!

30. Ha! She made it home. Not like it would help anything though. You're choosing to follow your grandmother and marry Kirk the human trash heap. Mon's going to leave. It will break both your hearts, but you need to choose YOU. Not your grandmother, and her bullshit words and manipulations. You need to choose YOUR happiness. YOUR safety. YOUR Joy. YOUR love. I hope Sam realizes it early enough. I don't want to have to wait till the last 5mins of episode 12 before we get our happy ending. Cuz that shit would hurt!!!!

31. Mon's not saying it, but her eyes are doing that Meredith thing; asking Sam to choose her, and I am in so much pain!!!!

32. I know Sam's saying that she's going to find a solution for them, and fight back. But with Dishonourable grandmother, and human trash heap Kirk, my expectations are low. Cuz I don't think those two will give up without a fight. And Sam's too vulnerable to their bullshit to resist.

33. Ha!!! She's calling the calvary! That's actually a pretty smart move on her part. She knows that she will fold like a wet noodle in front of her grandmother and Kirk. But Neung? Neung will give as good as she gets. And she's spent enough time away from their grandmother to be able to pull it off. But honestly, I hope both Sam and Neung both tell her Dishonourable grandmother the truth, and let her know of the consequences of the bullshit she keeps pulling: that she would end up alone. In that big empty house. With Kirk as company. Which honestly, when you think about it, is exactly what she deserves.

34. Dishonourable grandmother asking if Sam wants her dead

Everyone who is currently watching this show, and especially this episode:

35. And of course she's having heart palpitations. Sam. Don't fall for it. She's trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants. It's all part of her plan. Resist it! Don't fall for her, or human trash heap Kirk's face guilt tripping face! Stand strong!!!

36. Thank God! Neung is here!!! Help Sam resist. Don't let her fall for the bullshit that Dishonourable grandmother is saying. Come save your sister. Hurry!!! She's starting to fall for the tears and bullshit.

37. And look at that entrance!!! YESSSSSSS NEUNG!!! CALL HER OUT!!! CALL HER OUT ON THE BULLSHIT!!!!!

38. Also, anyone else noticed how Dishonourable grandmother suddenly got all "better" and wasn't looking as weak or frail the minute Neung walked in, and called out her ass???? Fucking lying bitch!!! Keep calling her out Neung. Be the voice for the audience!!!!

39. Sam girl. Neung is trying to help you. Her words might be harsh, but she's saying the truth. Your grandmother is trying to take advantage of your soft heart and love for her. Listen to your sister!!!

40. The verbal lashing!!! The verbal lashing that Neung is giving Dishonourable grandmother is EVERYTHING I WANTED!!! EVERYTHING!!! Oh my God!!! I didn't think this show was going to question to what extent filial piety turns into abuse, and how our elders can in turn wield it as a tool to have us cater to their selfish whims. Neung my heart. Keep going. EVISCERATE HER!!! SPEAK ALL THAT TRUTH!!! Break that house of cards, made of emotional manipulation that Dishonorable grandmother has built. Have it come crashing down!! Some truths are hard to swallow, but please shove them down her selfish throat!!!

41. I love that Neung is the catalyst. The turning point that Sam needs to make her decision. She's the one that walked away, stay away, and thrived on her own terms. Song didn't get that chance because she was killed just before she could. But Neung, who represents what it means to walk away from the wealth, and privilege and prestige that their grandmother holds, being on one side of the divide, and her grandmother being on the other side, is such a nice contrast. And of course, grandmother is trying to hold Sam back by stating that she would cut her off. But let's be honest. What exactly would Sam be losing if she does that? Sam's built her own business outside of her grandmother, so it's not like she needs the woman's money. The one thing that her grandmother can offer her is the love of an older relative, which she wasn't giving her anyway. Sam, honey. Walk away. WALK AWAY!!!

42. You can hear the pain in Neung's voice. She's so desperate to save Sam; to get her to walk away from their grandmother. I think a part of that is rooted in the guilt she feels. That she left her siblings with her, and Song died, whilst Sam became this girl, so terrified to grasp her happiness with her two hands if it would displease their grandmother. She so wants Sam to choose herself. To choose her own happiness, and love. And I am rooting for all three of them (Sam, Mon and Neung). I'm hoping that Sam makes the right choice. But with how deep grandmother's sunk her talons into my girl, I doubt if she would break free this episode. But still, I can't stop hoping because fuck! THIS EPISODE IS PAIN!!!!!

43. OMG!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!! She did it!! She actually walked away from Dishonourable grandmother and chose her own happiness, and love with Mon? OMG!!! OMG!!! Sam!!! My girl. My brilliant, brilliant girl. She did it! She did it!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

44. Neung is so proud. I'm so proud. She did it!!! Our baby girl did it!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Aaaaaaaaand I just saw the preview for episode 12. What. The. FUCK?!!!!!!!!!

[jaimebluesq]

Scary OTP: Nie Huaisang/Jin Zixun 👀💕

Oooh, thank you! People, get you a Mutual who is happy to indulge your weird little rarepairs ;)

And man, this turned into a mini essay :D

Which one is more fond of scary movies: Nie Huaisang - 1) because they give him an excuse to act more scared than he is and he can whine and cajole his way into being 'comforted', and 2) because to be quite honest, Jin Zixun is 'fond' of very little in the universe.

Which one gets the most excited about Halloween: Nie Huaisang - he LOVES the chance to dress up and act like someone else, preferably with a mask firmly in place (is it any wonder the first fic I wrote of this pair had them both in masks and fucking anonymously?). Jin Zixun would just see it as an event for his uncle to show off the family wealth to the world with a grand party where Zixun can go out of his way to piss someone off (when they're 'together', NHS allows him one or two asshole moves before dragging him off into the Koi Tower gardens, telling his brother he's just doing his part to keep the peace between the sects)

Which one would be more likely to survive the apocalypse: Nie Huaisang: 1) Do you REALLY think Nie Mingjue wouldn't do everything he can to make sure his brother survives the worst case scenarios? Plus he knows how to make the puppy dog eyes that make people give in to him. 2) Jin Zixun will think he's good because his uncle's money has of course paid for the BEST fallout shelter possible, and only the BEST people will be allowed inside, yet at the time of its necessity, Zixun will no doubt get into a fight with someone, likely a 'lower class' person trying to get into the shelter, and Jin Guangshan will decide his nephew is expendable and shut the shelter up before Zixun can get in.

Which one would literally kill for the other: BOTH. We all know from canon just how far NHS would go for someone he loves (the plot would not happen otherwise!). Jin Zixun is the same, in his own way. He's a guard dog for his uncle, doing whatever is asked of him, and is loyal to his cousin. Once someone is considered 'his', even if it's not love but possession of some kind, Zixun won't let any insult go unanswered.

Which one likes to scare or startle the other: Jin Zixun, for sure. Though NHS is rarely actually scared or startled - but he enjoys pretending, it lets Zixun feel he's got one over on him, and NHS has his own ways of getting under his skin.

Which one is more likely to need comforting when they get spooked: The operative word here is NEED - so my answer is Jin Zixun. NHS doesn't need to be comforted, but he LOVES it and will exaggerate his fear in order to get it. Zixun has actually received very little comfort (emotional/affectionate) in his life - you give your family face and suck up whatever you're feeling or else you're doing the Jin name dishonour - and deep inside him is a scared little boy who wishes he could have gone to someone to crawl into their arms when the world was rough. So yeah, Zixun NEEDS comforting more, but he'd never ask for it, would fight even if its given to him voluntarily and without being asked for, and he fights BECAUSE he's terrified he needs it that much.

Which one always puts on a brave face: Jin Zixun - no question! His family is all about saving face, and showing fear would NOT be acceptable in the Jin. NHS, on the other hand, happily whines and cries over every little inconvenience.

Which one would be more dangerous if they suddenly became violent: Nie Huaisang. JZXun we expect to get violent at the drop of a hat - any hat - but NHS is so severely underestimated that he'd hit you before you ever saw him coming (or convinced someone else to hit you, he doesn't like to get his own hands dirty).

Which one would be more likely to commit a crime: BOTH - depending on the crime. If you're looking at smuggling, conspiracy to (get someone else to) commit murder, and cheating in school, Nie Huaisang is your man. If you're looking at war crimes, then it's Jin Zixun.

Which one believes in ghosts: In canon, both - it's part of the universe. In an AU: Jin Zixun. NHS would pretend he does, but wouldn't actually believe unless there's evidence. Zixun, however, is extremely superstitious - he's a man who believes that all of his problems are caused by external things, and is more likely to believe that his bad luck is because of a ghost or a curse than because of his own bad choices.

Which one likes to watch spooky show on television: Nie Huaisang. He enjoys having fun, even if it's being scared. Zixun would act like the shows are just stupid and you'd have to be ridiculous to be afraid of anything on them, but secretly, because of his superstitious nature and belief in the supernatural, he's more likely to take them serious and be genuinely freaked out, hence he avoids them.

Which one would propose the idea of holding a seance: In canon, Jin Zixun, if only because it would be a normal part of his work as a cultivator, and Nie Huaisang wants to stay as far away from work as possible. In an AU, Nie Huaisang, because Zixun would be too freaked out by the supernatural to be on board.

Which one has nightmares more often: Jin Zixun. In canon, even though the Jin entered the Sunshot Campaign later than most of the other sects, they still participated - Zixun would have fought with his cousin, and war is traumatic. Furthermore, he would be haunted by the things he's done to the Wen in the post-war camps - he'd never admit it to a soul, especially not his uncle, but he's a human being, and one doesn't take part in that kind of torture and mistreatment and murder without it affecting them. And both in canon and in an AU, he would have regular nightmares about losing his position in the family - he knows his power and status is directly linked to what Jin Guangshan thinks of him and how useful he is to his uncle, and he has nightmares that the day will come that he's no longer useful, and fears what will happen to him then.

Which one would want to explore a real haunted house: In canon, Jin Zixun - like with the seance, it would be part of his job. In an AU, NEITHER - Zixun believes in the supernatural and would stay the fuck away, and Huaisang would NOT want to go someplace dingy and dirty and potentially get slimed, not in this outfit, do you have ANY idea how much it cost to get a matching fan?

[littleprincessfawn]

07/06/24

I don't feel as alone since I 'met' him, and I can tell myself I'm silly all I like, I can crush on him all I like, but there's no denying we do have an actual real connection. That notion scares me quite a lot. Real connection is scary. I feel more comfy with fantasy! Because if you let someone in, if you acknowledge they actually are getting close to you, that's... that's just. I don't know what that is, I so rarely actually do it.

Even with people I've dated for 5 years, (and I can acknowledge that this is very sad) I don't let them get truly close to me. This isn't about romance or sex btw this is about intimacy, about letting someone know me. The truth about me is that when I get hurt it's only ever on the surface. I do feel it, I do feel sad when breakups or fights etc happen with friends or lovers. But it doesn't truly touch me. There's a part of me deep down that remains entirely unaffected.

I always have masks and walls and guards and sentries and alarms and tripwires all set up. But with him, I often feel him very close to me. Like he's close to being by my side, somehow. Like we are sitting on a bench in silence together, comfortably. And it's not like he snuck in. It's more like I just naturally felt safe with him so I let him closer and closer and the parts where normally he or I would ruin it we didn't ruin it?

I am weird towards him, yes, but I'm not destructive towards him. I'm actually a lot less self-destructive in general since his influence on me, now that I think about it. That's horrifying to me. I mean it's good, obviously, but... what the hell.

It's okay though, I still have so many walls. I think the thing with him is that there's no real good reason to keep him away, because he's not a threat. He's just genuinely not a bad person, would never be a bad person, would never intentionally be cruel to me, even if he disliked me, he just wouldn't do that, he wouldn't act dishonourably.

Yikes. Starting to feel incredibly grateful that he never 'liked me back' because if it's this much 'just' being friends (that makes it sound like I'm being dismissive of friendship, I'm not, friendship is important) it would be wayyy too much for me as something more. I wonder if he ever feels it too though, am I somewhat close to him as well? I think I might be. Mega yikes. It's very alarming. To have genuine feelings, I mean.

Underneath my 'crush' my 'love' my cute loyalty to him (and I am cutely loyal to him)... there's some emotion that's very real there, and I'm not sure what it is because to be honest I'm not very in touch with my true emotions because I've spent my entire life covering my true emotions up, not experiencing them really, and just having surface/fake emotions. Fake emotions sounds bad and sounds like I'm intentionally lying to people, it's not like that, it's just... as I said, I allow myself to 'feel' emotions, and am often described by friends as very passionate and emotional, but again, they don't actually touch me, they are more like clothes that I wear.

Because I want to experience the world and be like a real person, but I'm so broken that I can't really do it, but that's not fair on myself I'm not 'broken' really, I'm just... hidden.

He borders on close to finding me, sometimes. I think the feeling I am developing for him might be described as 'caring'?

Okayyyy back to pretending!

[wrasslin-lps]

Smackdown! vs Raw: Part 2 - LuLu's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Month

LuLu, having recently kidnapped that woman, is minding his business in his locker room, reading his book, when some chump called Charlie Hass walks in and randomly talks shit about him genuinely entirely unprompted and challenges him to a submission match.

LuLu offered a calm and reasoned response.

Following the beating, Charlie Hass aka Crippled Charlie (That is MY nickname and MY IP and I WILL pursue legal action if used without my permission) has been softened up, but he uh cheated and cheated bigly. You literally wouldn't believe me if I told you the amount of cheating that occurred so I'll skim over it.

At next weeks show, LuLu is literally hobbling to work because Hass crippled him that badly, when he's ambushed by Bubba Ray Dudley, who had been incensed by LuLu's dishonour.

It leads to a clear violation of employee safety laws when we start brawling backstage, and I don't care a referee is here, this is clearly a crime!! Of course, calling the Whyte cops would probably backfire for LuLu, but nonetheless!!!

Anyway, despite throwing Bubba into a fucking fuse box, Bubba Ray's fat must have absorbed the shock, and he won that one as well.

Whyte people will really just absorb electricity to keep the black man down...

The way I got my ass kicked really impressed Smackdown GM Kurt Angle, and he talks about finally lifting a black man up.

The next week, Rey Mysterio talks about how cool it was when I got 7 shades of shit kicked out of me in a Submission Match and in the Backstage Brawl, but says you need to able to defy gravity and face your fear if you want to really make it in this industry.

And best of all, the briefcase has a week's worth of pay. Given that I desperately need to buy EXP, this really gets me psyched up to-

Oh.

Ah. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for LuLu, Charlie Hass and Bubba Ray really want Rey Mysterio to lose his money and forces LuLu into the ladder match. Can't wait to hit Rey Mysterio with a mallet 70 times!

It's okay he has it coming

Despite fucking crippling him, I lost. Again. This is not LuLu's fucking month... Rey Mysterio is at least a good sport about winning.

He really, really had that beating coming.

Kurt Angle reveals what the main event he had talked to LuLu about earlier. He enjoyed the way LuLu got his fucking ass kicked over and over, now he wants to watch it happen all over again all at once in a Battle Royale at Vengance!!

Vengeance... LuLu's last chance to make something out of this shitty month.

My plan was to avoid the chaos and snipe at chumps after they hit each other. This plan failed because they all ganged up on LuLu and beat the ever loving shit out of him for a few minutes before LuLu lucked, or hue hue hue luckstared, into Bully Ray hitting Rey Mysterio and was finally able to get some breathing room. A few minutes of madness later, LuLu was able to eliminate Billy Hass! One down, three to go!

Hass was eliminated at the exact moment Rey-Rey hit Bubba with a 619, which feels fitting for luck LuLu has had this month.

Bubba survived the 619, and brawled with Rey-Rey long enough to narrowly pin him as well while LuLu spammed taunts to charge up his finishing move and removed turnbuckle pads. And then there were just two...

You think your special...

You do...

Bubba was pretty damn terrifying. He had shrugged off a finisher, and had far more health than LuLu. Fortunately, LuLu had a devastating flurry prepared. His finisher, the diamond dust required someone gets thrown into the corner of the ring - which LuLu had made more dangerous by removing the turnbuckle pads. Bubba Ray was thrown into the corner, and even as he writhed in agony, was granted no reprieve. LuLu sprinted towards, used his diamond dust finisher. With such a devastating combo, Bubba Ray had no choice but to kick out of the pin very easily like LuLu had done functionally nothing.

Fuck

Even after all of this, Bubba still had far more health - he also had a higher finisher bar. But there still remained a seed of hope for LuLu - underneath the finisher bar, you can see a CLEAN (and in the case of LuLu) DIRTY bar. This is the Face/Heel bar, which measures how Facish-Heelish the wrestler is acting. With the crowd being all Crackkkers, LuLu isn't interested in being any kind of face. Doing top rope moves, kicking out at 2, and taunting after delivering a brutal blow raises the CLEAN bar, while removing turnbuckles, complaining to the referee and using weapons raises the DIRTY bar. When the CLEAN bar is full, the wrestler is invincible for thirty seconds. But when the DIRTY bar is full, the wrestler gets access to a devastating cheating move. It was a tight call, but LuLu barely managed to raise his DIRTY bar high enough to get the cheating move!

I don't know why the camera went blurry when I unlocked it

LuLu unleashed the heinous, devastating "beg for mercy and then hit him in the balls" attack - brutal, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

It took everything LuLu had - he used brutality and cunning, and by hook and by crook, he lost anyway Bubba Ray kicked out quite easily and won.

Oh fuck off

[thesofiavaldez]

[ TEXT ]: 99% is pretty high. If people aren't cockbiter then they won't be all dickbloody about whatever you tell them. Micah told me who he was in a dark room and he'd just met me legit ten minutes prior, it could have gone horribly for him, but sometimes people don't suck. And if anyone does, they can choke on it. [ TEXT ]: Sounds like, maybe, if they did that for you they might be good about other things, like maybe you live in a neighbourhood you think they'd be against they might actually be chill. [ TEXT ]: I'm pretty confident I know why I do it, because I feel guilty I never stopped my mother from treating my sister like shit, or told my Dad enough that he was a good Dad so I tell everyone exactly what I think of them, without considering maybe they don't fucking matter enough for me to get so worked up over. I assume you do it out of guilt or shame? To be ungrateful that anyone wants to help you, even if the way they're doing is fucked up, would be dishonourable, you were raised to be grateful, that doing things the way everyone says is normal is the correct way. Which isn't true, if that is why. You don't have to be grateful for everything people choose to do on their own, and you don't have to behave like everyone else. [ TEXT ]: Right now they're writing, and we're all eating. [ TEXT ]: I will say, even if I'm reading you wrong, and you do what you do for some whole other reason, I wouldn't let that reason get in the way of something actually good. It might not seem like it but I am trying to be less fucking aggressively honest all the time, Micah deserves a girlfriend who doesn't pull extensions from girls at bars or scream at men in the park. You deserve whatever thing makes you happy, don't let anything stand in the way, including you.

[ TEXT ]: just in like 99% of the cases [ TEXT ]: For me, mostly. And to send back money home. They also hoped to get more kids, and then we'd all have a better start in life. [ TEXT ]: Probably, that makes sense. It's hard work saying what you think other people want to hear. Why do we do it, do you think? [ TEXT ]: 🤣 noted, because I definitely have a thing for paragraphs. [ TEXT ]: Are they recording? Or practicing?

[thatswhatsushesaid]

did nie mingjue give jin guangyao a 'new life' after his mother's death?

okay i'm not trying to call out one post specifically or anything but this is definitely not the first post on this site to call jin guangyao the cruelest character in MDZS, and that is such a reach, especially when both xue yang and jin guangshan are, you know, right there. but i also want to dig into one of the points raised about jin guangyao and nie mingjue's relationship, and what they owe to each other, because i could not disagree with the principle assertion more.

so, did jin guangyao "[kill] the man who gave him a new life after his mother died"?

I assume we are discussing nie mingjue here and not jin guangshan lmfao.

okay, let's for the sake of argument assume your assertion that jin guangyao owes nie mingjue a life debt is correct. to be clear: I don't think it is. i do not think that meng yao owes nie mingjue a life debt when he comes into his service, nor do I think that he accrues one after receiving his courtesy name and title of lianfang-zun. but let's just pretend anyway.

JGY LIFE DEBTS OWED TO NMJ (STARTING TALLY): 1 - because nie mingjue gave him a job NMJ LIFE DEBTS OWED TO JGY (STARTING TALLY): 0 - how nice for him

I also want to emphasize that nie mingjue's attempt to help creates additional hardship for meng yao that he likely wouldn't have experienced if nie mingjue had stopped to ask him what he wanted before deciding he knew best. recall that he did not offer meng yao a promotion after overhearing his cultivators mocking his low birth: he just gave it to him, without considering how this promotion might (and in fact did) cause the bullying and harassment meng yao received from the nie sect cultivators to escalate. please also remember that meng yao does not ask mingjue for a letter of recommendation to take to jin guangshan to seek his recognition--he does not even want to leave! in fact he is explicitly telling lan xichen in that moment before nie mingjue interrupts their conversation that he feels obligated to remain with nie mingjue! it is nie mingjue who decides to send him off to jin guangshan with a letter of recommendation, and while meng yao expresses his immense gratitude for this gesture in the moment, it is so important to emphasize that he not only did not ask for this, but he was not asked if he wanted it, either. even then, the letter of recommendation that nie mingjue sends along with meng yao when he opts to release him from his service does not open any doors for meng yao at all. in fact, jin guangshan seems to use this as the perfect opportunity to eliminate another inconvenient bastard son during war time, and assigns meng yao--a weak and self-taught cultivator--to the front lines under a captain who not only beats and abuses him, but also forces him to come up with military strategies for the jin sect's successes, which he then takes the credit for when reporting to jin guangshan. if meng yao had not killed this captain, it's likely he would have died on the langye front during the sunshot campaign. meng yao gives himself a new life as jin guangyao and lianfang-zun because he is the one who kills wen ruohan during the battle for nightless city, and he does this entirely on his own (making use of deceit and trickery that nie mingjue finds dishonourable, in fact).

but anyway. after presumably giving meng yao this 'new life' in the form of the impromptu field promotion that meng yao did not ask for, meng yao repays his, um, debt (is that what we owe our employers when we are already providing them our labour?) to nie mingjue in full (??? only in full? he isn't, you know, maybe owed some change?) when he saves nie mingjue's life from wen ruohan at the battle of nightless city. and to save myself a lot of stress and frustration, let's all just collectively agree that, while the life-debt ratio of "giving someone a job" vs "risking your life to save else's" is absolutely not 1:1 in the real world, we're just. assuming it is, for the sake of this argument. the salient point is jin guangyao's ledger is now clear. he's back in the black, as it were.

JGY LIFE DEBTS OWED TO NMJ (UPDATED TALLY): 0 - he saved the life of the guy who gave him a job NMJ LIFE DEBTS OWED TO JGY (UPDATED TALLY): 0 - and the guy who gave jgy the job does not owe him anything in return for having his life saved, since jobs and lives are interchangeable and of equal value apparently

that's it, y'all, they're square.

except nie mingjue then explicitly attempts to murder meng yao/jin guangyao three times before jin guangyao even begins to play the song of spirit turmoil for him. which means we need a new scoreboard for keeping track of the mutual-murder attempts that define the rest of their relationship, beginning immediately post-sunshot campaign. here's where the mutual-murder attempt tally stands:

JGY'S ATTEMPTS TO MURDER NMJ (STARTING TALLY): 0 - he did literally the opposite of attempting to murder nie mingjue NMJ'S ATTEMPTS TO MURDER JGY (STARTING TALLY): 1 - nie mingjue tries to kill meng yao (who is not fighting back!!) with baxia, prior to being stopped by lan xichen (chapter 49)

that's explicit attempt #1! but if we believe that part of lan xichen's intent with all three of them swearing brotherhood to each other was to, in essence, provide jin guangyao and nie mingjue a clean slate upon which to rebuild trust in their relationship, then let's go ahead and reset that scoreboard. even though that is not how reconciliation between human beings actually works, particularly not when mutually-inflicted trauma is at work, but. whatever.

JGY'S ATTEMPTS TO MURDER NMJ (UPDATED TALLY): 0 - by the power vested in zewu-jun as the first jade of lan, apparently NMJ'S ATTEMPTS TO MURDER JGY (UPDATED TALLY): 0 - zewu-jun now pronounces u both even stevens, you may put baxia down. ..put it down, mingjue.

nie mingjue does not put baxia down, figuratively or literally. explicit attempt to murder jin guangyao #2 happens after they have sworn their binding oath of brotherhood to each other, and is the infamous "what else should I expect from the son of a prostitute" confrontation at the top of the jinlintai tower steps. nie mingjue literally kicks jin guangyao down 50 solid stone steps, which could easily have broken his neck or spine (or both). please note that this was an unprovoked act of violence against a much, much weaker cultivator whose only offence[1] against nie mingjue--arguably the strongest cultivator and martial artist of his generation--at this point was… saying words nie mingjue didn't like, and not killing xue yang when nie mingjue told him to. time to update the scoreboard again!

JGY'S ATTEMPTS TO MURDER NMJ (UPDATED TALLY): 0 - no, jin guangyao has not begun playing the song of spirit turmoil for nie mingjue yet! (chapter 104) [2] NMJ'S ATTEMPTS TO MURDER JGY (UPDATED TALLY): 1 - kicks nmj down the jinlintai steps, which, yes, is attempted murder (chapter 49)

which brings us to explicit murder attempt #3, which happens immediately after nie mingjue kicking him down the stairs. while jin guangyao is still recovering and picking himself up off the ground (in other words, not retaliating in any way or provoking further violence) nie mingjue unsheathes baxia to finish the job, and would absolutely have done so if lan xichen had not, yet again, intervened to protect jin guangyao. you know what time it is now.

JGY'S ATTEMPTS TO MURDER NMJ (UPDATED TALLY): 0 - nope, still has not begun playing the song of spirit turmoil between getting punted down the stairs and standing back up again NMJ'S ATTEMPTS TO MURDER JGY (UPDATED TALLY): 2 - yes, this is a second attempt at actual murder, I am not going to argue about this with anyone

all of this happens /gestures @ literally all of that, while jin guangyao is continuously traveling back and forth between jinlintai and qinghe to play the unaltered version of cleansing to help stabilize nie mingjue's qi. we know this because lan xichen explicitly tells us this in chapter 49, and nie mingjue agrees with him. we also know that this unaltered version of cleansing is having a positive impact on nie mingjue's spirit and his relationship with jin guangyao, because wei wuxian remarks on this while experiencing nie mingjue's memories in empathy. to be very clear: before jin guangyao has played the song of spirit turmoil for nie mingjue even one time, nie mingjue has already tried to kill jin guangyao three times. he is actively attempting to murder jin guangyao while jin guangyao is actively working together with lan xichen to repair their relationship and forestall nie mingjue's inevitable death by qi deviation. and we can go around in circles all day about whether jin guangyao ultimately kills nie mingjue solely because he is defending himself against a man who will not stop trying to kill him, or whether he's doing this because daddy said jump, or if it is a bit of both--I fall into the "it is always a bit of both" camp with jin guangyao--but that is actually beside the point.

the point: if we are keeping score about who has attempted to murder whom (and how frequently) by the time nmj ultimately kicks it, the final tally is nie mingjue 3 - jin guangyao 1. if we include his attempt to kill jin guangyao at the point of his qi deviation, the final tally becomes nie mingjue 4 - jin guangyao 1. so, even if i didn't disagree with the principle assertion made here, i would argue that jin guangyao not only squared that debt to nie mingjue years ago by saving him from wen ruohan, nie mingjue in fact now owes a life debt to jin guangyao for all the attempts to kill the guy who literally saved his life.

tl;dr these are the actions of a man who gave his subordinate a lot of trauma and anxiety, but not a new life.

[1] I am shelving any discussion of what meng yao does or doesn't owe nie mingjue within the context of his time spent undercover in wen ruohan's court because I feel there is nuance enough in that situation to justify its own post. meng yao and nie mingjue both deeply, irreparably traumatized each other in that situation and should never have been let within 6 li of each other ever again after the end of the war, much less pressured to swear brotherhood to each other. (grips lan xichen's shoulders, stares deeply into his beautiful eyes: wtf were you thinking, er-ge)

[2] even if I were to agree that he obtained the song of spirit turmoil in advance of the stairs incident and had already begun playing the song for nie mingjue (which I do not), it is clear that mingjue is improving, pre-stairs. this implies that jin guangyao, while he may have prepared a contingency plan, has not been putting any spiritual power into the portion of cleansing that contains the altered bars of the music. we know that he is capable of altering which parts of the song receive spiritual power because both wei wuxian and lan xichen confirm that this is possible in their (emotionally fraught, for poor xichen) conversation inside the cloud recesses library pavilion after the torn page is discovered. this, combined with the two to three month time frame that the altered song requires to trigger mingjue's qi deviation, plus the two month time frame that jin guangyao presents disingenuously to nie mingjue regarding xue yang, are clear textual evidence in support of my position. the music changes after the stairs.

--- this post has been added to my dreamwidth meta archive here: https://thatswhatsushewrote.dreamwidth.org/9293.html

[essayofthoughts]

Would you call Percival a liar or is he more someone who withholds and/or twists the truth? Does he seem like a manipulative sort of person to you?

I don't think he's a liar. Lying is dishonourable and untrustworthy and Percy is someone for whom honour and one's word is important. As he says when he shoots Clarota for betraying them: "Some people have no sense of fucking honour" - and we see his anger at being betrayed by Anders. Percy does not like being lied to or misled - see also his anger at Scanlan for blaming the group for not knowing things that Scanlan had never told them.

So... no, I don't think he's a liar. He withholds the truth sometimes, but usually when it's things that are painful for him, such as with the Briarwoods and his trauma - it's not done out of manipulation so much as carefully navigating what his trauma will let him say. Sometimes, after going through such painful events, it can be incredibly difficult to speak of them and we see that with how he stutters and stalls as he speaks.

He does mislead sometimes, and manipulate, usually in order to serve the group - helping Scanlan get in prison to get to Kaylie, for example - but as we see, he tends to avoid this, avoid lying, avoid manipulating, and especially with Vox Machina, he doesn't like to lie or mislead them, and apologises when he feels he has - after the Feast when he blames himself for Vax's near-death moment in the fight, because he didn't know enough to prepare them.

But all in all? Percy isn't a liar or a manipulator. He withholds some things for sake of privacy or trauma, but he tends to be reasonably honest about what he thinks or knows or intends - even when this makes him kind of a dick. He can sometimes deflect or distract, so as not to reveal his hand (such as the degree to which he cares for Vex), but again, that's more about privacy and trauma as well as kind of... it's not just Percy doing that? It's Taliesin too, because he most likely doesn't want to simply say "No" in a game of "Yes, and-". Consequently, deflect and redirect when it's something Percy wouldn't want to speak of, both because it's in character and because it keeps the ball rolling on events.

Honestly, if anyone in Vox Machina is a liar, it's Scanlan.

[beautifulhigh]

Okay money hungry ringo giving all his money to find his husband. I can’t with these two. Ringo number one priority now is his family above all the money in the world.

Tell me about it

Ringo's character growth remains one of my favourite things about their whole arc. I love me a baddie but they rarely have a long shelf life in a soap setting. They either stay around long enough to become the equivalent of a pantomime villain* or they're out at the end of the storyline.

So of course Ringo had to change, had to grow, but there was no way we could have looked at the man making a deal with Huber to get Easy's kiosk and Beach bar and known that he would one day become the most devoted and driven husband and father. He didn't think he was capable of it so why would we?

The big thing about change is that it is always slow, done in increments. You may notice a bit of it in the day to day but they don't make the big jump from one end of the spectrum in the space of a week. Ringo was the man with the heart of stone, he didn't have friends. And, in order to get the kiosk, he had to play at being Easy's friend. Fake a HIV scare to activate Easy's heart and compassion and then he's in.

And then the friendship actually became real. Then the feelings crept in. Then he didn't want to go ahead with the scam and tried so hard to undo it. All these little steps, these choices that Ringo made to get him where we are now. Making that choice to fly to Morocco. Making that choice to ask Huber for money to get a helicopter. Making that choice to throw more money at it, every cent that he has and will ever have. All that matters is getting his husband back, of bringing their little family back together.

I honestly think that Ringo is scared about what kind of a dad he'd be without Easy. I think he's confident in him remaining a better man, that change is a little more permanent. Ringo opened his heart to Easy and formed strong relationships with his brother, Paco. Vivi... there is no way they would let him slide back into heart of stone mode and I don't think Ringo would dishonour Easy's memory like that. But being a dad? That's something else entirely. Not that Ringo couldn't do it, wouldn't do it alone. Wouldn't fight for the adoption even if the worst happened because that would be honouring Easy in the biggest way possible.

I think he feels like he still needs Easy for that. He feels like he has to have him because without his husband, his moral compass, his heart? Then who is Ringo Beckmann**?

Ringo was desperate to find Easy and bring him home for himself, because he wants a whole life with that man by his side not just shy of two years. He loves Easy so much that the mere concept of losing him rips him to pieces and has him breaking down in the lift to the concern of his brother and sister-in-law.

But then Julius tells Ringo to bring Easy home and now there's a promise that means more to him than his marriage vows. It's a promise to his son, to their son. I think that moment shocks him a little, that this promise invigorates him and spurs him on to do more, be more, give more. (What is parenthood if not a silent promise to a child that you will push whatever limits you felt you have in order to make their lives as amazing as possible?)

[Side note: that's why Easy eats the grasshopper. Because Imaginary Tobias gets him to think about Ringo, about Julius, and so of course he will do anything and everything to survive and get home to them.]

I did a meta about how 2017!Ringo would react to seeing 2021!Ringo and my response was that he would be thrilled. That is no longer correct. I think 2017!Ringo would be amazed, almost in disbelief at just how far he was willing to go for Easy. How money isn't even a consideration. How he refuses to listen to the guy from the embassy who is trying to be logical about Easy's chances, the helicopter pilot who doesn't think they can cover all the area they need to or that they won't find him...

2017!Ringo would look at his life, look at 2021!Ringo's life, and wonder how the hell he got from there to here. In four years Ringo's life has changed beyond all recognition but there is, at the heart of it all, still the Richard Beckmann we all know and were frustrated at. He's still driven and single-minded, he's still not letting anything stand between him and what he wants.

Only now it's a family. Richard Beckmann has fully traded the abstract concept of money for the richness that comes with being a husband and a father.

And I fucking love it.

*oh no they don't

**he's a lot of things, most of them are amazing.

[alianoralacanta]

Part 3/3 (why neither lying nor silence were options, in more detail)

The simpler one is that, for the reasons given in the above list, lying about Carlos' actions would have failed immediately and convinced no-one. It would have provided no protection to Carlos' honour and caused only harm. (Charles, who is not exactly a novice at lying to protect others, would have known this). It rather reminds me of someone else who had that expectation of Charles after a race notable for PR failure: Mattia Binotto in the aftermath of Silverstone 2022. For context: Charles had been set for a win, but Ferrari inexplicably decided not to double-stack its drivers when a late-race Safety Car was deployed (something any other team would have done as automatic standard practise). As a result, Charles was left at the head of a Safety Car on heavily-worn tyres while everyone behind him (Carlos Sainz at the head of that field) had new tyres. Carlos nearly shoved Charles off the road during the inevitable overtake, and it was considered one of the drives of the season that Charles somehow held onto 4th despite that serious disadvantage. Carlos Sainz won and Ferrari got a 1-4 (that was nearly a 1-7), had Ferrari handled the Safety Car competently, could have been a 1-2 or 1-3 in Charles' favour.

You can probably guess that Charles was furious. Mattia Binotto then had the nerve to tell him, in public, complete with wagging finger, to stop being disappointed because he'd done a really good race. In other words, to lie about his feelings.

You may also have wondered where I was going with that whole paragraph about Charles' self-deprecation. It was because I needed to introduce how deep Charles' anger can become in a racing context for the more complex reason that silence would not have protected Carlos' honour. Charles refused to go near Mattia for two days and declined all remote attempts to discuss the matter. Mattia ended up having to visit him in Monaco and find a way to reconciliation. The interviews preceding the following race made it clear that Charles still believed Mattia was in the wrong. After that, it was notable that Charles talked quite a lot less about Mattia than formerly. The trust had evaporated! There was reason to believe the whole sequence was a significant part of the reason Mattia, and by proxy his entire way of governing Ferrari, was shown the door at the end of the season. In favour of someone who was not likely to handle such events so poorly. This should give fans of Carlos heart. If Charles had truly meant Carlos disrespect, he wouldn't bother doing it by insulting him to the press. (He might say something rude on the radio, but I don't think most of the drivers think about such abstract matters as respect on track most of the time). If anything, he'd probably talk less about Carlos. Given how weak Carlos' position is likely to be within Ferrari given his recent sequence of races (shown by how much Fred's having to strain to find points of defence for him), Charles would have simply stayed away from Carlos until Ferrari got the hint and benched/fired Carlos. The parc fermé scene wasn't pretty, but it was an attempt to keep the lines of communication open. It signals things aren't as bad as they were with Mattia. It means Charles still has some respect for Carlos, even if it is a form neither Carlos nor some of his fans comprehend. Charles and Carlos have different and competing honour codes, which in this case lead to very different interpretations of the same action. That is how defending a driver better than that driver defended himself got seen as an insult on that driver's honour. The silence that some of Carlos' fans request in post-race matters on the grounds of honour… would actually mean Charles was showing Carlos dishonour. Silence is Charles' middle finger.

Hi! So I am a newer fan and I know you've been a Charles fan for so long, was it really unusual for him to be this outspoken about Ferrari and his true feelings after the races? Because the way some people responded to his statement you would think he flipped the middle finger to Sainz and his entire family.

I also know he has this reputation to be more PR-oriented than Sainz. I think it was China where Charles said he and Carlos had talked and everything was fine in response to a journalist, and Carlos had said the complete opposite, that they hadn't talked at all.

Judging from my activity panel, a few other people have had similar questions…

Charles sometimes gets outspoken out of anger after races. It's not common, but also within character for him. For people who've followed Charles long enough, he tends to "leak" the emotions he's feeling no matter how hard he tries to hide them, to the point where even I, who in most circumstances is pretty bad at interpreting body language, can reliably do so. Usually he keeps an impressive amount of verbal control while still making it obvious what he feels. Sometimes, though, this does not happen. Before Spain 2024, the target of the outspokenness was always one of two people: himself, and whoever his team boss happened to be at the time. The outbursts against himself became notorious, especially Baku 2019 and Turkey 2020. If you hear about journalists talking about Charles being self-deprecating or looking to improve his own performance before looking to others, that reputation got founded on him being vocally harsh towards his own mistakes on the radio and in subsequent interviews on several occasions. To the point where a lot of Charles' fans outright fear the "Leclerc radio" message appearing following a mistake. He's got better at keeping things in proportion now, but knowing how harsh he can be helps with understanding what happens when others raise his ire. There are two occasions where he had significant outbursts like this towards a boss: Singapore 2019 and Silverstone 2022. On the first of these, Charles thought he'd got a third win in a row in the bag. However, Sebastian Vettel made an early stop in order to protect his ability to fight for a podium spot (something Charles wasn't offered since Ferrari had no especial reason to believe his win was under threat in that direction) - and it was so effective Sebastian ended up leading, and winning, the race. it soon emerged that Charles did not have a valid complaint to make, but he was so angry that he complained anyway. (Charles ended up apologising later that week, after his error was explained to him). This, I think, is what some of Carlos' fans think Charles was doing on Sunday but wasn't. They think Charles complained without cause, took the shine off what was otherwise a special occasion for them (Carlos' last Ferrari race in Spain until further notice) - and thus they think Charles owes them an apology. However, Charles has always been careful to leave a certain amount of ambiguity in his post-race verbal conduct towards team-mates, even when he's upset with them. He's sometimes had to assert boundaries with Carlos in the past when Carlos has overstepped a boundary, and sometimes queried something Sebastian did, but always with an eye to keeping channels of communication open. A "we'll talk about this" or "I need to see the data" can change a blunt criticism into a perspective that could potentially require other perspectives to understand the full truth. The latter tends to be more palatable to observers and thus PR people, even if both allow Charles' true opinions to be voiced.

[walkingstackofbooks]

I need people's thoughts on this scene from Waltz because it feels like Julian's done such a massive turnaround from "we need to surrender to the Dominion to save 9 billion lives" to "we need to save Captain Sisko even if we fail to protect 30 thousand troops" and I'm going mad for it.

BASHIR: I couldn't understand a word Kira said. Too much interference. Looks to me like we're on our own. DAX: I could understood what she was trying to say. BASHIR: What about you, Chief? Did you understand? O'BRIEN: No, I couldn't understand a word. DAX: Well it doesn't really matter what we think. Commander Worf is captain here. WORF: We all know what Major Kira's orders were. It would be dishonourable to ignore them. BASHIR: You will forgive me if I don't consider your honour to be worth Captain Sisko's life. WORF: You may leave the bridge, Doctor.

Like, he is going so hard here, and I wouldn't have said he was the closest to Sisko. Just, what's going on with him?

[heybeybey]

and it was your heart on the line

Rating: Explicit

Genre: Angst/Romance

Pairing: Rivetra | Levi x Petra

Word Count: 8,706

Summary: Turns out, it wasn't a request. It was an order. If he denies again, then it's an ultimatum. Pressured to continue the Ackerman line, Levi is forced to choose between his commitment to giving meaning to his comrades' deaths or sacrificing the future of the woman who have always been devoted to him.

(Anon Ask | AO3 Link)

(It's also Smutty Saturday so here, have smut + ANGST. MOSTLY ANGST THO)

It's been a month since he learned about his true relation to Kenny.

Two weeks since he, Hange and Erwin traced his Ackerman ancestry.

A week since they found out what his last name means and how inhuman his strength truly is.

And two days since he received that fucking memo.

Captain Levi Ackerman,

We were recently made aware of the extent of your capabilities. After much discussion in the court, we believe that you will be doing humanity a great service by continuing the Ackerman line.

We look forward to your cooperation.

A great service his ass.

A few days ago, he, Erwin and Hange found out that the Ackerman line used to be the bodyguards of the royal family in the past and that the reason why they were so skilled is because they are titans in human form. They were then persecuted for shit knows what and the whole clan scattered throughout the walls in the past hundred years.

It also turns out that this ability is accessible to all Ackermans. They haven't found out if it's automatically passed down but Levi noted that there was a time when he felt something jolt in him when faced in a life or death situation (which was almost a daily basis for him back in the Underground).

Now, they want to reinstate the line to help the military progress.

The way Levi sees it, the government basically wants him to breed as if he's a cow in a nobleman's farm.

Levi ignores the memo for the next few days and when they sent a follow up for his reply, he didn't hesitate in telling them to fuck off. That's when things went south.

Turns out, it wasn't a request. It was an order. If he denies again, then it's an ultimatum.

They argued that the captain's citizenship above ground is tethered to his role in the Scouts. Denying this request would be taken as an act of insubordination, no matter how much Erwin forgives the said "offense". Moreover, it's an insult to the crown.

The greedy fucks from the top brass gave him two weeks or he'll be kicked back down to the Underground. Since he's the only known Ackerman, he can't push this responsibility on someone else's plate.

- - -

Only his Special Operations team were made aware of the situation. Erwin said that his squad deserves to know why their captain might be out of commission for at least a week... or why he'd possibly be kicked out of the scouts soon.

Levi silently took in the horror on their faces when he broke the news.

"Captain, are they even allowed to do that?"

"That's just... sick."

"Maybe there's a way to delay it for a few more years, sir?"

The only one who didn't speak up was Petra. She just watched the four men converse, with Levi and Eld discussing what the next steps are in case the captain will be leaving the scouts.

The thought leaves a bitter taste in all of their mouths. Survey Corps without Captain Levi? They can only see their success rates getting knocked down further. At the same time, they also don't know which decision to support, knowing that the captain will be sacrificing himself either way.

- - -

Petra has been spacing out since that day. Sometimes, her squad needed to snap her out of it during trainings. She'd been a total recluse, rarely joining them at the dining table during their morning coffee. She'd still bring the captain's tea late at night but other than that, she looks more like a ghost floating around in their squad's side of the floor. They think it's heartbreak since her admiration for the captain is already an open secret between the five of them. No one would've even imagined what she was planning.

She was able to snap herself out of it two days after, and now she's barging into Commander Erwin's office during lunch time.

"Commander Erwin, there must be another way," Petra pleads. She rarely goes to Erwin's office alone and if she's here right now, the captain must've not been aware that his subordinate would approach this topic straight with the commander.

Erwin sighs. "Ms. Ral, I appreciate your concern for the captain. Believe me, I've personally reached out to Zackley regarding this. There's nothing much I can do. I've already swayed Levi's citizenship to our favor once."

It also doesn't help that the government sees the Scouts as the most useless of all three military branches. Learning about how powerful Levi truly is was the only thing that reignited their belief in their regiment after five consecutive failed expeditions and thousands of coins wasted.

The commander looks at Petra and he can tell from her face that the gears are turning in her head. He frowns, having an inkling of what her next words will be. Erwin knows how loyal Petra is to her captain. It's something that the commander himself leveraged and exploited during expeditions.

"Would... if I do it, will that...?"

Erwin's face softens, meeting her eyes in concern. If they were to ask for his opinion as commander, it would be a waste if they allow Petra to take the responsibility. She's one of the best soldiers in the corps and her ability to sync with any team they place her in was an asset that you wouldn't find in any other soldier.

But as Levi's friend, he'd rather not order the captain around when it comes to this matter. The part of him who's committed to humanity's survival knows what the right answer is to Levi's situation, and he knows the captain will choose what will always be best for his soldiers.

"Petra, you know that Levi wouldn't allow it."

"But does it even matter what we think anymore? Commander, they're going to take the captain away from us."

Erwin is quiet for a moment, careful eyes assessing how serious Petra truly is. "Are you sure about this Petra?"

"You know I'll do anything for our cause." Adamant and unwavering. Levi chose well.

Erwin nods. "I'll talk to Zackley what it will mean if the captain chooses a subordinate instead of a commoner. Normally, sleeping with your commanding officer would lead to a dishonourable discharge."

Petra flinches at that.

"But... we can all agree that this is a different case."

- - -

Petra comes to Levi that night. At first, he just assumed it's their usual evening tea time.

"I-I talked to Commander Erwin this morning," she starts, setting down his tea on the desk. He glances back at her for a moment before turning back to his paperwork.

"What about?" Levi said. "You do know that if you have a concern, you can also tell me. I'm the one responsible for you."

"It's not a concern," she replies quickly. "Well... it is but-"

Her hesitance finally stops him. "Since when have you held back whenever we have tea together, Petra?"

"Captain... I-I can..."

He doesn't turn his chair around, waiting for Petra to speak.

"I'm saying that if it will greatly serve humanity, I'm willing to have-," she gulps, pushing the fear from her face to look at him determinedly. "I'm willing to be the one to help you continue the Ackerman bloodline."

Levi's grateful his back was turned. If it wasn't, Petra would've seen how his slanted eyes widened with horror and concern at her words. He feels a headache starting to come along, and he schools his face before finally turning around, assessing hers. His heart fell when he finds that she somehow looks both determined and scared at the same time.

"No."

Petra deflates a little bit at that, seemingly both relieved and hurt from the rejection.

"Please captain, I don't want you to be forced out of the Survey Corps. The scouts need you. I-" She cuts herself off at that, but her silence was loud. He'd known for a while now the depth of Petra's devotion.

"Petra, are you even aware of what you're offering?"

"Of course I know!" She snaps, so unlike her to disrespect her captain outright. "Captain, I wouldn't have offered myself if I'm not aware of what I'll be giving up."

"Then you're fucking stupid for even wanting to go through with this. We don't even know how many they're demanding from me."

He stands up from his chair and grabs her upper arm in a bruising grip, almost desperate to get his point across. "You'll be forced to leave the Scouts, give up your career to take care of a-"

It's rare for him to be speechless, and he finds that the word baby can't even pass through his mouth these days.

"Sir, I just want to help..." Petra says quietly, gaze averted.

"This is not up for debate Petra." He looks at her coldly. "Leave."

"But captain-" He lets her arm go. Petra's expressive round eyes are starting to tear up.

"I said get out."

He watches her hurry out, trying to ignore the fact that she was furiously wiping her eyes as she leaves.

- - -

They went out for an expedition one morning and Levi was somewhat grateful for the distraction.

Reality only came crashing down on him again when he'd watched another soldier die. He seemed new and young, looking more like a cadet than an actual soldier. Probably fresh out of the training corps but died way too soon because he chose the wrong regiment. If Levi remembers correctly, this was one of the newer scouts who had the guts to approach him with bright and eager eyes and asked for advice.

"What's your name?" Levi asks the soldier. He kneels down beside the younger man.

"E-Ethan, sir," the soldier rasps. Levi silently nods in acknowledgement. He looks up, finding Petra tending to a fatally injured scout. Eld and Gunther was assisting a female veteran who lost a leg. He can't seem to find Oluo anywhere.

"C-Captain..." Ethan struggles with his words and Levi can see how his gaze is starting to lose focus.

"I'll avenge your sacrifice, Ethan." Levi says as he holds the young boy's bloody hand, hearing him take his last breath. "I promise you that."

Levi apologizes to Petra in his own way as they wrap up the expedition. He approaches her as she was about to mount her horse.

"Petra." She looks to him with teary eyes. She does this after every expedition, crying for all the fallen soldiers as her own way of commemorating their sacrifice.

"Yes, sir?" she replies in a gentle voice, as if he didn't just make her cry two nights before.

Levi hands her a white handkerchief. "Here."

She blinks up at him for a bit but accepts his offer. He never says sorry outright, but he and Petra have always had this way of communicating where words aren't needed to be said.

They were running out of time. Levi tried to take his mind off the problem by training until his own body gives up on him. A huge part of him have already accepted that he'll be marched back down to that shithole by the end of the week.

Hell, he already packed up the limited possessions that he has.

"Levi, you know this is for the scouts. Losing you would mean losing a battalion for the Survey Corps," Erwin argued.

"Are you asking me to force a woman to become the government's baby making machine?" Levi snaps. "Because that's sick as fuck Erwin!"

Hange told him once that there was a major decrease in the scouts' death toll since he joined. Levi didn't want to believe at first that a single soldier was enough to make that much of a difference, but Hange's numbers was more than enough proof. Since he joined, they didn't need to send 10 men on a dangerous mission when a single soldier can do all the dirty work and still live.

Erwin pointed out that many would jump at the opportunity to lie with humanity's strongest. Levi just wanted to vomit at the title.

How can something that used to boost his soldiers' morale now turn into a fucked up ultimatum that preyed on his commitment to making his comrades' deaths matter?

He supposes that there are other women. He can even just detach himself from the whole situation after the woman gets pregnant and let her raise the kid.

But Levi has an intimate relationship with abandonment. Of being used and treated as nothing more than just a tool. It was all he knew growing up with gangs in the underground, and eventually in the corps as comrades die and his strength used to the regiment's advantage.

He's not that big of a piece of shit as to use someone and leave a child fatherless until they come of age to become a soldier. If he was going to have a kid, he'd make sure that they at least have a good childhood to compensate for all the shit they'd be pressured in. He'd want to be there every time he leaves the walls—not as a captain commanding his soldier but as a father ensuring his child's safety.

Levi also feels sick at the thought of just bedding anyone. Whenever he thinks of this option, his mind would take him back to a dark closet, deep in the underground, where he'd hide as his mother takes on another client. He'd be no better than the men who he watched come and go from his mother's room in the brothel, leaving her crying and filthy once they're done. It feels as if he'd be disrespecting her memory this way. Spitting on his mother's grave would've been more respectful than this.

The only other option is to drag the woman he'd been secretly throwing longing looks at, so willing and devoted, down with him.

- - -

The night before the government will come knocking on their doors, Petra came to his office again.

"You're up for promotion." This was his last resort.

If she accepts, then he'll be leaving tomorrow for the underground. He doesn't really know which outcome to hope for.

Levi doesn't give her the chance to reply, silently handing her a folder. He wants her to understand the gravity of this situation. Of how much of a double-edged sword her devotion truly is.

"I've already signed it and Erwin's just waiting for you to accept before he approves. We'll be raising your rank, complete with a 25% salary increase. You're still in the Special Ops, but now with the opportunity to command your own team outside of our missions, or whenever Erwin and I see it fit during an expedition. This is a step closer to fully becoming a squad leader two or three years from now."

Petra sighs and shakes her head at that. She didn't even hesitate as she takes away the folder from his hand and sets it down on his office table.

"Please, Captain." Petra pleads, hand moving to delicately hold his. "The scouts need you."

The face of the soldier who died yesterday, (Ethan, he corrects himself) flashes on his mind. Levi's promise to the young man rings phantomly in his ears.

I'll avenge your sacrifice, I promise you that.

Levi surrenders.

- - -

"Captain?" Petra removed the last button of her uniform, her eyes on the floor, leaving her in only her cotton underwear. He watches her while he sits on the edge of the bed, eyes taking in her every move as she shrugs off all her clothing.

"Call me Levi," he corrects her. "Please."

"Levi..." She closes the gap between them, climbing on the bed and reaching out a hand to cup his face to help him relax. Petra gives him a shy smile when he leans closer to her touch, while he settles a hand at the small of her back. She leans forward, kissing his jaw and sliding her hand down to his chest to feel the quick drum of his heartbeat. "It's okay, Levi. I trust you."

Petra settles herself on his lap and gently turns his face up to hers, giving him a chaste kiss on the lips. His hands trail up her upper arms and she involuntarily shivered when he cups her cheeks to deepen the kiss. Emboldened by how receptive she is of his touch, Levi trails his mouth from her lips to her cheek, gradually making his way down to her neck.

Petra's eyes are closed, biting on her lower lip. She tangles a hand against his hair to pull him closer, encouraging him further. He feels himself getting hard fast when she aligns the heat of her core against his.

"Do you want me to turn off the lights?" She asks, testing the waters by grinding down on him. He shakes his head no, tucking a ginger strand of hair behind her ear. The last thing he needs is to feel like this is a casual romp with a stranger. He wants to know it's her.

He runs his hands against her bare thighs before twisting their bodies around so she'd end up laying back on his bed. She gave a quiet huff at the impact, but Levi was quick to lean down and kiss her intensely. He fears he might come faster than they need him to if she continues bucking against him and they need to pace themselves.

Levi plans to worship Petra tonight, because she deserves nothing less. He looks down at her and meets her eyes for a bit before he's trailing down kisses throughout her body. When he's closer to her chest area, Petra removes her bra off for him and his throat goes dry at the sight. She looks up at Levi with half-lidded eyes, guiding his hands to knead her breasts. The captain doesn't waste time, groping then leaning down to swirl his tongue over a nipple before tending to the other.

Petra whimpers with his every touch. When he makes a bold move to slip his hand down her panties, that's when she gives a low moan.

"Is this okay?" he asks quietly and Petra nods. He starts to massage her clit, feeling her core starting to dampen as his strokes become more intentional.

He soon replaces his fingers with this tongue, earning him a keening sound from the woman below him. Levi only pulls away when he's satisfied at how much of a dazed mess Petra is, hands gripping his black hair to stabilize herself. He levels himself again with her and Petra latches her mouth against him, once again grinding her naked pussy against his cock, still clothed in his pants.

They've both lost the initial shyness and hesitation from earlier on, now both driven by their eagerness to push their pleasure further. He's hard by this point, feeling the dampness and heat between her thighs through his clothed lower regions. Petra continues to grind herself against him and Levi gets harder at the thought of how she's fully naked and vulnerable below him. She desperately bucks up against his hips, delicate but scarred hands reaching down to finally start unbuckling his pants.

He allows her to shrug off his pants while he removes his white undershirt, towering over her. Petra watches him take off his top with a primal look in her eyes, sitting up and reaching out to pass her hands against the lines of his firm abdomen. Her eyes flares up at the sight of his cock, hand reaching out to touch before Levi grabs her wrist.

"I won't be able to last long if you do that." He says. Petra understands, opening her legs further instead to allow him in.

He positions himself between her thighs and looks at her one last time, making sure there's no doubt on her face. Petra, being the fucking amazing woman that she is, only nods at him with a small reassuring smile.

Levi grunts at how deliciously tight she is when he finally enters her, while Petra's arms found its way around his back to cling to him. It proves to be a struggle because her wet walls squeezes around him and he finds it hard to pull his head out of the pleasurable haze. He tries to pace himself, giving them both enough time to adjust to the feeling. When he feels Petra's hips slightly bucking up as if to egg him on, that's when he starts to move.

It was heaven and hell at the same time. For a second or two, he'd like to believe that this is a moment built on months of romancing and awkward dates. He lets his mind wander away from what it actually is—a task, a burden placed on his shoulders for an ability he never even asked for. And he dragged the bravest and most capable woman he knows down with him, willing as she may be.

"Harder, Levi," she breathes out on his ear, snapping his head from spiralling down in self-hatred at their situation.

Levi gives into her wishes, bracing himself by leaning down and pulling her hips closer. He starts to work towards an almost bruising pace, wanting to find a good balance between pleasure and pain for her. Her arms are encircled around him, hands running up and down the hard muscles on his back. Levi looks at the way Petra's breasts bounce with every snap of his hips, mesmerized. Her mouth was open in an o-shape, eyes unfocused as she surrenders to the heat of the moment, cheeks flushed, nipples continuously grazing against his chest with every thrust.

"Yes yes yes," she breathlessly chants. "Fuck me, Levi."

He'd dreamed of Petra like this in the past. But as her commanding officer, all he could really do is lock away those depraved thoughts and quietly steam in lust over his ginger subordinate. Being with her right now couldn't even compare to the nights he jacked off to the thought of her.

He can already tell that Petra's close with the way she's clenching him. Her pants are more desperate now and she bites on his shoulder blade as she reaches her own climax, and he eventually feels her hold on him slacken. Tired and pleased, Petra allows her head to fall back on the pillow and takes in his face to watch the emotions passing through his face.

The feel of her wet core clenching around him was more than enough to edge him closer towards his limit. The rhythm of his thrusts starts to stutter, his primal need to reach release urging him forward.

Petra starts moaning again, turned on at his uncontrollable lust. He waits until she eventually comes again, watching her fall tiredly on the bed, before allowing himself to let go.

One thrust, two, and then they tip past the point of no return. Petra makes a low noise once he comes inside her, her hips rising to meet his final thrust. Lost in pleasure, Levi had to grip hard on the bed frame above her to compose himself. Petra holds his gaze—a mix of adoration and desperation—through it all.

They both pant from the thrill of their coupling and Levi finally collapses on Petra. She pulls him close, allowing him to lay his head on her chest.

He didn't even know when he started crying. He only realized it when he felt Petra brushing away the tears silently running down his cheek with her thumb.

What kind of lowlife am I? Here he is, crying like a little shit when he was the one who'll be subjecting her to whatever hell that awaits them in the next few months. Female soldiers are normally allowed maternity leave but since his case is different, the higher ups demanded that at least one parent will see through the child's growth.

Everyone assumes that it wouldn't be the captain.

He didn't have to sacrifice his career and position. He doesn't need to sit around and nurture a living being inside him for almost a year. Petra will be the one who'll be taking the bulk of it all.

You're fucking selfish. You're a coward.

"I'm sorry," he whispers softly against her skin. He stays where he is, head laid on top of her bare chest and listening to the thump of her heart. Petra was just quiet for awhile, gently running her fingers through his jet-black hair as she stares up at the window and at the night sky.

"Levi... remember when you told us before to choose the choice that we'll regret the least?"

He doesn't answer back, not really knowing what to say at her hushed question.

"I chose this," Petra continues. "Because you going back to the Underground is the consequence that would kill me the most."

She gently tilts his head up so he can meet her eyes, her hand shaking from the barrage of emotion. Petra looks at his face, awe and adoration shining in her amber eyes as she traces a finger against the frown lines between his brows.

"You're a great man, Captain. I've never met someone who cares so much for his soldiers' lives more than you do." Petra continues. "I truly believe that you'll be the one who'll lead us outside these walls."

"I don't deserve you Petra."

She smiles sadly at that. "You have me either way, Levi. I'm here to stay."

- - -

The next nine months were... Well, they didn't even know how to describe it.

They decided to reveal it to their team on the first month of her pregnancy. That led to Eld's fist colliding with Levi's face. The biggest surprise was that the captain allowed his second-in-command to disrespect him in such a way.

"Eld, no!" Petra screamed.

"Captain, you told me before that you recruited Petra for her skills," Eld said. "I didn't know you'd be the type to take advantage of young girls!"

Levi understood where the younger man was coming from, knowing how Eld and Gunther treated Petra like a little sister. Oluo, on the other hand, just watched the exchange with a crestfallen look.

The guys only believed that Levi didn't force her into anything when they saw how Petra fretted over the captain's bruised face the whole afternoon. She'd constantly throw them a glare as she cups an ice pack on Levi's jaw and would constantly follow him around to make sure that he won't get attacked by the three guys. Not that they would even have the guts to attempt it, nor would the captain let it pass the second time around.

Frankly, Levi's grateful that he has a team who looks out for each other, even when they're not beyond the walls. That's one of the reasons why he trusts them. He doesn't know where he stands now as their captain and he knows these turn of events will greatly shift or even damage their squad's dynamics.

As the month comes to a close and with another mission beyond the walls in the works, Erwin pulled Petra out of all expeditions, much to the surprise of the other Scouts. Her role for the next three months were mostly to brief new recruits along with some clerical work before she closes this chapter of her life.

- - -

On the second month, they traveled to Karanese district to finally tell Petra's father. Levi had never met the man before, and the captain was quiet the whole way to her home town. If Petra didn't know better, she'd think that Levi's nervous.

The truth is that all he feels is guilt.

He knocked up the man's daughter and he was her commanding officer. What's worse is that they didn't do it because they were so hopelessly in love. Come to think of it, it would've been better if they chalked it up to them not being able to keep their hands off each other.

He'd be lucky if Petra's father doesn't assume that Levi just turned his daughter into a breeding stock.

"Petra!" The older man greets them. "Captain Levi, it's so nice to finally meet you. Petra told me a lot about you in her letters."

Levi takes a few moments to revel in the warm welcome, thinking that this day would probably end up in more heartbreak because of him.

"Mr. Ral." He accepts the man's handshake.

"Please, come in! I've prepared enough for the three of us. You're not allergic to anything, right captain?"

None of them mentioned just yet what they were there for and Levi was content just to hear Petra chatting excitedly with her father. Mr. Ral seems like a friendly man, and it's no wonder he ended up having a daughter who's such a sweetheart. The atmosphere in the room was light as father and daughter caught up on each other's lives.

Until Petra has to run to the bathroom to vomit.

He saw the rising concern on her father's face as they listen to Petra retching in the bathroom, and that whole five minutes of waiting for her to come back was absolute torture. Levi, for all his bravery when fighting titans, couldn't even meet the older man's eyes.

"Captain Levi, why are you really here?" Mr. Ral cautiously asks him.

The older man's face cracks when he finally learned the true nature of Petra's pregnancy. He couldn't look at Levi after that.

"Captain, I think you should leave." Mr. Ral says, voice cold that he couldn't believe that the warm welcome he received earlier on came from the same man. Levi didn't need to be told twice.

"Dad..."

Levi sighs as he stands up. "Thank you for the food, Mr. Ral."

"Dad, it's not his fault." Petra tries again as Levi moves to the door. "It's my decision. You know how Captain Levi is important to the Survey Corps."

"But why you, Petra?" Mr. Ral snaps. "You know, I was concerned when you told me that you were the only girl in his squad."

"Please, stop." Petra sobs.

"If I'd only known that I really did have a reason to be worried, I would've demanded you to come home."

Levi silently listens to the whole exchange from outside of the room, eyes downcast.

- - -

Petra signed her retirement on the third month. High from the mood swings brought on by the pregnancy, she cried and even hugged the commander. Erwin just awkwardly patted her head and told Petra that it might be best to let go now before Levi slices his hand off.

She also went to Mitras this month, meeting the people who forced Levi into this situation for the first time. Petra was shaking in anger as she walked inside the room, throwing the officials the dirtiest glare she could manage.

Petra didn't even bother to be respectful that whole afternoon as they brief her on what they expect from her, and what can or cannot be public information.

"I used to hope that the child won't inherit your glare but now I'm more scared to imagine if they got Ms. Ral's," Erwin whispered to Levi, watching as Petra backtalks another official.

Levi shrugs. "You haven't seen her when she gets too competitive during trainings."

On the same month, they ended up sleeping together without the goal of furthering the Ackerman bloodline.

They haven't touched each other since the doctor confirmed that Petra's already pregnant. Her every test was recorded and reported to the fuckers back at Mitras and that thought alone was enough to squeeze out the arousal in Levi's body.

Somehow, they found themselves making out in his office on this night.

"Why didn't we do this during our evening tea before?" Levi asked against her neck, peppering kisses on every inch of skin he can reach.

Petra laughs, elongating her neck further to give him access. "Gee, captain. I didn't know you wanted to be court-martialled so bad."

She's currently in civilian clothing since her last day with the scouts was yesterday. Her dress was easier to access and he'd long since unbuttoned the first few buttons that covered her breasts.

Fuck it, he thought as he moves away from his office chair and settles more comfortably on the couch, with Petra on his lap. He looks up at her, eyes alight in lust as he takes in her breasts spilling out of her dress, chest heaving and orange hair dishevelled. He hurriedly tries to unzip out of his own clothing, eagerly kissing her as she slides down his cock.

After a whole week of sex a few months ago, Levi thought he's already used to the feel of Petra around him. Egged on by their own baser instincts despite the situation, they fucked every chance they can get and it was the closest Levi had to a break. It would've been a blissful escapade if he didn't know any better, and the guilt would eat him raw every time he ejaculates inside her.

But for some reason, sex with her right now feels different. Still heated and pleasurable, because of course— it's Petra, but something has shifted between them. He feels lighter, freer.

He's careful as he bounces Petra above him, but still careful not to hurt her. Levi worships every part of her that he could reach without breaking away from the pace that they'd set, while Petra pulls against his hair and leaves her own marks on his chiseled skin.

It's the first time they had slept together without feeling as if someone's keeping a close eye on them.

This moment together is theirs.

- - -

They feel the baby move on the fourth month of her pregnancy.

Levi was the one who first felt it when he was laying his head on her lap. He was quietly reading a report while Petra was knitting a few socks when he felt a poke on the side of his head that was cozied up to her belly.

"Okay, stop it woman!" He scolds and sits up, thinking that she was messing with him. Levi pauses when he sees that Petra is tearing up.

"He kicked."

"What?"

"The baby." Levi's face slackens at that, eyes wide with wonder dropping to her tummy. She runs both hands over the skin, stops and smiles, before taking his wrist to place his own hand on one spot.

Sure enough, Levi did feel that faint poke. He lifts his other hand so he can place both on her belly. Emotion overwhelms him and he swallowed to keep himself at bay.

"Hey, kid."

On the fifth month, Levi was able to strong-arm the higher-ups to give him a goddamn house. Petra knows that this thought would continue to amuse her for years.

From what she heard from Erwin, Levi demanded that the child needs a nice place to grow up in. Since his salary wasn't worth shit despite his high rank in the scouts, it still would take him a long time to make a downpayment.

They approved the request and they moved in a few days shy of her sixth month. It was a simple house, complete with two floors and three bedrooms. One room in the first floor while another two above. Petra suggested that maybe the third bedroom can be his office but he refused.

"You're thinking of opening a pastry shop once the kid's here, right? You can use that space."

"Hmm... but that will still take some time." Petra answers, her voice taking on a teasing lilt. "Maybe we can use it to store all your brooms and cleaning solutions instead."

They once talked about what Petra plans to do once the child is born. Of course, most of her hours will be spent taking care of the baby but knowing Petra, she's not the type who'd sit around and rely on him for the rest of her life. They're still not sure if she'll be able to rejoin the scouts years from now, even when Levi tried telling her that maybe he can find a way to work around it the top brass' shitty conditions. They decided instead to focus more on what they can control now, and he suggested that he was able to save enough that they can use that as a capital for whatever she wanted to do.

As they were fixing their new house, Petra was also surprised that he was setting up his side on the master's bedroom.

Petra wanted to sleep beside him every night, of course. They've already been doing so since that first time they had sex after her pregnancy was confirmed. But Petra thought that it's just going to be her who will move in because the house was a good two hours away from the barracks, making it a hassle for Levi to go back and forth everyday. Petra tells him that she'd be alright with him only coming home for the weekends if it will save him a 4-hour commute every single day.

Levi brushed off her concerns and proceeded to set up the nursery room instead.

"Will a baby really give a fuck about all these colors?" He crudely asks, looking at all the paint palettes in his hand.

- - -

The sixth month was slightly harder. Petra thinks that it may be because the reality that she's now out of the Survey Corps, the one thing that gave meaning to her life for four years, is settling in on her.

Her closest friends in the scouts would visit her a few times every month. Hange's squad, sometimes accompanied by Nanaba, would drop by and Levi had to control Hange from turning Petra and his child into one of their experiments.

"Aww, Levi. I'm just trying to be a good aunt!"

"By trying to feed Petra one of your shitty concoctions?" He snaps back, taking the bottle with the godforsaken liquid as far away as he can from the mother of his child. Petra has to stop Levi from completely banning Hange from their home after that.

Eld, Oluo and Gunther visit her as much as they can.

"Wow, you look like a ball." Oluo blurts out when he sees Petra, earning him a slap at the back of his head from Gunther.

"Bozado, this is the reason why you still don't have a girlfriend." Eld said, smirking. "The captain has shittier social skills than you and he's now going to be a father. Up your game a bit."

Gunther grunts at Eld's quip, knowing that Oluo would take that differently. "Way to go Eld. As if the cravat's not worse enough."

Their visits make Petra feel as if it's just another morning in the barracks, except she now has a round belly. Gunther always asks about how she's feeling while Oluo would brag that he'd be the greatest uncle the kid will ever have. Eld indulges her in her cravings and always brings a basket of strawberries whenever the three of them visit.

She also learned that Levi never chose another scout to take over her place.

"Captain said that it doesn't really make a difference if he adds another member," Gunther informs Petra. "He screened a few. All of them ran away crying."

Oluo chuckles. "Remember when he screamed at them that they're all useless and would be good as titan shit on the next expedition?"

"Please, we all know he's just comparing all of them to Petra. Man's way too in love with you, Pet." Eld replies and Petra blushes.

"If you're done gossiping about me, you're all free to get your asses out here. It's late." Levi suddenly pipes up from the door. The three men shuts up, salutes and scrambles out after saying their goodbyes to Petra, along with promises to visit whenever they can.

"Welcome back," Petra greets, kissing him on the cheek.

"Did any of them give you trouble?"

"If anything, Oluo will give you more trouble." Petra giggles, having had a conversation with Levi about Oluo's tendency to imitate the captain. "He saw your parenting books by the way. I think he's setting up a budget so he can buy himself some."

Levi groans at that.

Through the months, she'd learned that bright little Nifa was recently selected to be transferred to Hange's team. Nanaba would share stories about her promotion to being second-in-command in Squad Mike. Oluo recently got a pay raise and he enthusiastically boasts that he more than deserved it, but Petra knows he's just overjoyed that it will now be enough to send his younger brother to university. Stories that are worth celebrating and Petra was all too eager to celebrate with all of them.

But when she's alone, she'd sometimes feel that time had stopped for her. She'd realize that this isn't just a simple pregnancy and she's not just on a maternity leave. At times when she really is down in the dumps, she'd bitterly question if the living being inside of her truly is worth calling a bundle of joy.

She'd shake that thought away as fast as it came, of course. She rubs circles around her rounded tummy as if to say a silent sorry to her child for even thinking of such a thing. Petra loves her and Levi's baby with all her heart. She doesn't regret any of it because this baby symbolises that Levi would continue making a difference in the scouts.

Still though, there were moments when Levi would come home and find her asleep with tear tracks on her face, hands clenching on her old green scout uniform.

- - -

She was seven months along when he first admitted that he's in love with her.

Well, he didn't admit it directly.

For someone who can easily throw an insult, Levi's shit at words. He made his love known and he didn't even say it to her.

He said it to her belly instead, and Petra almost died at how adorable it all is.

"Your mom's a handful, you know?" was the first thing Petra heard when consciousness starts to return back to her. Sometimes she'd fall asleep in the early evenings just before Levi comes back home. He'd let himself in on most days so that he won't disturb her slumber.

Hearing Levi talk to the baby wasn't something new for Petra. He started addressing her belly since the first time he felt the kid kick. Sometimes, he'd have (one-sided) conversations with her belly as if Petra wasn't even there. Hell, he was even more talkative to the unborn baby than when he's planning an expedition with their squad.

This was one of those moments.

Petra was about to pipe up and greet him a welcome back when he continued.

"If she wasn't the most reckless and beautiful woman I've ever met, I wouldn't have put up with all that shit she'd pulled." Petra's heart flutters. Levi rarely uses words of affection as his love language. He'd always made his feelings known through late night runs to resupply their strawberries just because she was craving them, or by offering to massage her swollen feet for someone who's a real clean freak.

"Don't tell your mom that I cursed." Levi continues as he settles down on the bed to rub her belly. "She'd have my head."

Levi must've been really tired if he didn't notice that she's already awake. He did mention this morning that Erwin was forcing him to catch up on a lot of paperwork the whole day. Still, Petra kept her eyes closed, wanting to hear what he says next.

"Did you know that there was this time when she broke formation to save a horse from being stepped on by a titan?" Levi said before murmuring to her belly: "I can't believe I'm in love with someone that crazy."

- - -

On the eight month, he proposed to her.

"Levi, you don't have to." She tells him, trying to stop the smile from beaming on her face. Her hand subconsciously goes to her round tummy, as if to share to the little one how his daddy can be so silly sometimes.

"Tch. What makes you think I 'have' to?" Levi says. "I want to. Now, tell me that at least you liked the ring because that cost me three years' worth of budget for our cleaning supplies."

He said it so nonchalantly but Petra can always tell whenever Levi is nervous deep down. She recently learned the truth about his past and she knows that the thought of a child of his being a bastard, the same way that he is, didn't sit right with him.

Petra gives him a peck on the cheek and presented her hand so that he can slide it on her ring finger.

"I love it."

- - -

On her ninth month, Levi requested a paternity leave the week she's due to give birth. It always amazes Petra how someone who seemed so cold can be such a great father before the child was even born.

"Are you sure?" she asks. "You won't get behind on work right? You've always been horrible at keeping up with paperwork."

"Don't get too full of yourself," he scoffs. "Just because you're not helping me anymore doesn't mean I can't get them done."

"I also don't trust our neighbours enough to take you to a clean hospital," he later adds.

Petra was excited because this means she gets Levi for a whole week. The last time they got this much time together she was still in the scouts. So she took full advantage of it, demanding that he take her out on a date.

"You won't reject your wonderful, bloated wife, would you?" Petra waddles over to him, asking him with puppy dog eyes.

"God, woman. Are you serious? What if your water broke while we're having dinner?" He snaps back.

"Come onnn. I've been stuck in this house for a week now!" She pouts. "You worry too much, Levi."

"No, I'm just not as reckless as you are." He tells with a hint of fondness in his voice.

- - -

Petra gives birth to a healthy baby boy on the 9th of June, and Levi spent the whole duration of the labor pacing outside her hospital room. His passive face doesn't reveal much since he looks like he was only frowning constantly. On the inside though, he feels his heart lurch every time he hears Petra scream in pain and exertion.

He can't remember how many nurses he'd snapped at. Some of them would even hurry away when he tried approaching them to ask Petra's condition. The head nurse was adamant he stay outside though, telling him that his wife is fine.

Hours later, they finally allowed him in and a nurse handed him a bundle. At first, he was confused because all he wanted to do was rush to his wife who's currently sweaty, tired and asleep on the bed.

It only dawned onto him that what he's holding is his child.

Levi's whole body freezes, and the first thing that came to mind is Kenny.

I'm going to be a shitty father, he thinks, mind spiralling down to the many ways for things to fuck up. I'm going to end up abandoning him and he'll hate me forever.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when the baby gave a gentle coo, eyes blinking open to reveal amber orbs. Levi stares down at his child and awkwardly reaches out a finger towards his face. His son immediately latches on to his skin, a tiny palm attempting to encircle around his finger, and Levi can feel a ghost of a smile forming on his face.

"Hi, brat." He sees from the corner of his eye that some of the nurses raise an eyebrow at that. He'd been talking to the kid for months now through Petra's belly and this is when he's speechless?

Petra wakes up to find her husband fighting back sleep on a chair beside her bed. His hands were wrapped protectively around what seems like a bundle of cloth and he's clutching it to his chest.

He snaps out of his drowsy state when he sees her eyes open. "You're awake."

Petra hums. "Is... is that him?"

Levi nods and Petra's eyes light up despite the exhaustion weighing them down. He moves to pass on the baby boy to her, leaving a kiss on her sweaty forehead before he sits back down on the chair. He's not surprised that Petra started tearing up.

"Oh, Levi... he's so beautiful." Petra leans down to pepper kisses on the child's sleeping face. "He looks just like you."

Levi had never felt peace like this for awhile. A sick and sad part of him feared that if he'll blink his eyes closed, all these will disappear once he opens them.

He received a congratulatory letter from Mitras that same evening, forwarded to him by Erwin.

"Who's it from?" Petra asks as she nurses their baby. She's glowing, and even though she's a sweaty mess right now, he can't help but think that this is the most beautiful state he'd seen her in.

"Nothing. Just some report from Eyebrows," Levi answers.

He threw the letter away without even reading. He'd rather not have his mood ruined right now.

- - -

"He's awake?" Levi groggily asks from their bed.

Petra nods, rocking little Theo in her arms. "I'm praying that he won't inherit his father's insomniac habits."

Levi sits up, opening his arms to quietly ask Petra to hand over the baby to him. "Go to sleep Petra. I'll take care of him."

His wife hums as her body hits the bed, cuddling closer to Levi who's currently sitting up against the bed frame. She throws an arm around his waist while he holds their 4-month-old child, attempting to rock him back to sleep. Little Theo's amber eyes just stares up at him, black hair tousled from all his fussing.

"Oi, kid. Let your mom rest." Levi pokes his button nose, earning him a cute little giggle from the baby. "I'm blaming you if she gets all grumpy on me tomorrow."

Petra lightly slaps his abdomen, a small smile on her face while her eyes remain closed.

Once his family settles down, with Petra now asleep and his son's eyes gradually getting drowsier as the minutes pass, he allows himself to drown in his thoughts. Having a son was both a joy and a sorrow at the same time.

Hange always teased him at how much of family man he's become, not expecting that a grumpy recluse like him who's willing to kick the asses of recruits would be so protective of his own little family. His motivation now during each expedition is just to come back as soon as he can to his wife and son.

He sometimes daydreams about leaving it all, packing everything up and leaving their home, his position in the scouts and finding the three of them a safe space to stay away from the military's demands and interests. Little Theo wouldn't end up getting pressured to join the Survey Corps or any other regiment once he comes of age and he and Petra can have another child or even two on their own terms.

For so long, his commitment to the scouts' cause has mostly been tied to the past, wanting to give meaning to his comrades' deaths. This is the first time he looked towards the future. For the first time, he's hopes for something—he hopes for a time when his son wouldn't even be forced to join the military, no matter how decorated the title they would give him. Now, he leaves for expeditions envisioning a future where they can go beyond these stuffy walls, where he can teach Theo how to ride a horse without the intention to prepare him for a mission. It's for a future where he'd teach his son to fight, just because the boy is curious and not because he needs to survive.

He doesn't know what little Theo's future will look like. For now, all Levi can do is protect his family.