#he went with her to the consultation and she got an abortion pill to take at home

[builtyouahousefromabrokenhome]

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[rina-writes]

Sharing II

Summary: Ethan thinks he has put his romantic feelings aside and is happy to maintain a sexual relationship with you.  Until you stop calling...

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of sex, References to abortion/pregnancy

A/N: The second (and final part) of sharing. Can probably make sense on it’s own, but definitely recommend reading part one. 

After Grayson approached Ethan about his relationship with you, the two didn’t bring it up again.  You two continued to have your “appointments” and then he had to travel.  He was going to New Jersey and then Australia, so he made sure to give you enough loving that would last you both the couple weeks he was gone.  

When he returned to LA, you were the first person he texted. He told himself it was like a drug addiction, not love.  He just needed to feel you, to taste you, purely sexual, no feelings.  You didn’t respond right away which surprised him.  You were always on your phone either doing work or sending stupid videos to your friends.  He didn’t worry about it externally though.  He focused on other things, like cooking and working out.  After three days, he decided to do something he never did before...he Facetime’d you out of the blue.

“Ethan!” You said cheerfully, an arm thrown over your face as you laid in bed.

“Wait...” Ethan smirked.  “Am I up before you? Ms. Early Riser?”

“Everyone is an early riser to you, Ethan.” You laughed.  “Welcome back to LA! How was your trip...or trips, I guess?”

“Great!” Ethan said, unable to stop smiling.  All his anger and frustration melted away.  “I was wondering if you wanted to meet up some time. I...uh...bought a few things we could use in Australia.  They have some toys I hadn’t heard of, and I thought it could open up your horizons.”

“Oh, Ethan, that sounds great.” You smiled, making Ethan blush.  

You had a way of making something so...dirty, sound casual.  It was almost like he just offered to take you to a new cafe. Not chain you to his headboard.

“Ah, but what day is it? The 23rd?”

“Yeah...” Ethan nodded.  “When are you free?”

“Well, I can’t have sex for another week.” You pouted into the camera.  “Doctor’s orders.”

“Are you sick?” Ethan asked, the concern in his voice.

“Oh no, just recovering from my surgery.” Once again you seemed so nonchalant.

“What surgery?” Ethan asked. 

Your eyebrows went up in surprise. “I guess a lot has happened in the last two weeks.  I didn’t want to bother you and didn’t know what your plan looked like in Australia...I guess I never told you.  I got my tubes tied.”

You gave him a thumbs up paired with a Cheshire grin. Normally, Ethan would laugh but this time he stared at you confused.

“Oh, uh, congrats?” Ethan said, with a slight frown.  “Uh, I thought you were on the pill though.”

“Y-Yeah...” You swallowed. “I was, I am...It’s just, the last time we slept together, I was having trouble with the pharmacy.  My insurance changed their birth control coverage and I had to change brands and it wasn’t at CVS....long story short, I hadn’t taken the pill in a month.  After we slept together, I remembered and I kinda freaked so, I got a Plan B.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ethan asked, trying to hide the anger from his voice. “Why would you go through something like that alone?”

“Oh Xander was there!” You said, a relieved sigh as you waved it off. “He took me to and from the surgery as well. Now, there won’t be any problems.”

You winked at him. You frowned when you saw Ethan’s expression getting more and more serious.

“You should have told me!” Ethan yelled, shocking you.

You stared at him wide eyed and sat up slowly, careful not to hurt the incision on your stomach. “Ethan, you know Xander and I don’t want to have kids.  No offense, but I didn’t think I needed to let you know about my family planning.”

“Well, if you got pregnant, it’s my kid...” Ethan argued.  “What if you didn’t take Plan B? Would you have gotten an abortion and not tell me?”

“Ethan, that’s different.” You shook your head.  “Of course if it got that far I would have told you.  Plan B, it’s like taking a week of birth control...it’s not an abortion.”

Ethan didn’t say anything for a moment. He wanted to calm down.  His hazel eyes was looking everywhere but his phone, as his jaw set.  “I feel like...” He paused and finally looked at you, his heart breaking when he saw your sad, confused expression.  “I feel like you should consult me about things involving sex. That’s what WE do together.  I tell you whenever I’m getting tested.”

“I still think this is really different, Ethan.” You nibbled on your lip as you spoke as if trying to soften your voice. “You having an STD, effects me. You and me having a kid, effects all of us: you, me and Xander.  It would complicate everything.  I thought you would be happy. Now, we don’t have to worry about anything.”

Ethan didn’t respond.  You sighed, as you watched him run his hand through his hair and then again and again.  Minutes passed and you finally decided to fill the silence.

“Look, Ethan,” Your face became serious.  “Maybe we should take a break.  Clearly, we have different ideas about what we are doing here.”

“Are you....breaking up with me?” Ethan scoffed.  “We’re not even dating.”

“Exactly...” You forced a smile.  “I’m just suggesting a hiatus.  A sabbatical, to continue to use our appointment metaphor.”

Your voice had a lighter air to it.  The one you used when you were trying to cheer someone up, but you knew that nothing you could say would help.

“Yeah,” Ethan said. “Or maybe we should just end it. Quit.”

“Ethan, come on.  You don’t mean that.” You furrowed your brows.  “I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

“Oh that’s hilarious. You have Xander!” Ethan yelled.  “You have both of us whenever you want! I just have you and then, it’s only 40% of the time.”

You blinked, tears stinging your eyes.  How long had he felt this way? Sure, you realized the situation was...strange, but he knew that going in.  Then again, it would be wrong to say you didn’t see this coming eventually.  You just expected this argument with Xander, not Ethan.

“You’re right.” You agreed.  “As much as I don’t want to end things, I don’t want to hurt you either.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel something for you.”

Ethan’s eyes lit up in a way that you didn’t expect.  It took you off guard and you almost lost your train of thought.

“At the same time,” You continued.  “I love my husband.  He is my soulmate. I want you to find yours. I can justify sleeping together, but I can’t hold your heart hostage.”

“Do you love me.” Ethan asked, his voice breaking.

You hesitated, trying to choose your words carefully.

“I cherish you.” You said, leaning closer to the phone. “I cherish you with all my heart.”

Tears rimmed his eyes and he blinked them away.  “That’s not love.”

“Ethan...” Your voice got small.  “Do you love me?”

The expression on his face almost broke your heart into two. So many emotions crossed his face: from his eyes dancing around, his quivering lip, and his tensed brows...you had never seen him like this.

“I don’t want to anymore...” He admitted. “But I know I do.”

“Ethan...” You hesitated.  “We should talk...do you want to come over?”

“Uh I don’t know...” Ethan rubbed his free hand over his face as if trying to wipe away the sad.

“Xander is at work, it’s just me.” You smiled softly, that made Ethan feel comforted, even just for a moment.  “Let’s talk.”

“Okay...” Ethan agreed, returning your smile.

You hung up and texted Ethan your address.  It was at this point that Ethan realized he had never been to your house before.  He glanced in the mirror and smoothed his white-shirt out.  He changed into his slim fitting gray pants and put a beanie on his head.  He stalked out of his room into the kitchen.

“Gray, I’m heading out!” Ethan called to his brother who was sitting in the living room.

“Where you heading?” Grayson asked, as he practiced a headstand.

“Uh, Y/N’s place.” Ethan said, trying to sound nonchalant.

A loud slam resounded in the room as Grayson fell over.  He stood up slowly, wobbling around, as he walked toward Ethan.

“I assumed you ended it with her.” Grayson admitted.  “Since when do you go to her house anyway?”

“I think she’s ending it with me.” Ethan gulped. “She’s just too nice to do it over the phone.”

“I’m sorry, E.” Grayson said, putting a hand on Ethan’s shoulder.

“Let’s talk later. I really want to see her right now.” Ethan sighed.  “I’ll let you know.”

Grayson nodded. Ethan grabbed his keys, got in his car, and put your address in Google Maps on his phone.  He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.  When he pulled in front of your house, a knot developed in his stomach. 

“Ethan!” You called out from the porch, waving.  There was an oversize cardigan wrapped around your shoulders, covering your pajamas. 

Ethan forced a smile and exited the car to walk toward you.  You ushered him in, opening the door for him.

“Welcome, welcome.” You smiled.  “Please have a seat.  Do you want water or something?”

Ethan watched as you hobbled over to the couch, clutching your stomach, guilt washing over him.

“You should sit.” He said, sitting on the couch in an effort to get you to do the same. “You’re still recovering.”

He took your hand and pulled you to sit next to him.  Your eyes met and immediately you leaned into each other to kiss. It was so smooth that it wasn’t until Ethan’s hand landed on your lower back did you tense up and break apart.

“Sorry...” Ethan muttered.

“Force of habit.” You smiled softly.  “Listen, Ethan...”

“Oh god...” Ethan groaned standing up.  You motioned to get up as well, but he shook his head.  “I just need to pace, but you need to rest.”

“Okay...” You agreed, sitting up right with a hand over the bandage covering your incision, the faint outline could be seen on your pajama shirt.

Ethan paced around, looking around your living room.  It looked so mature and lived in.  Photos on the walls, a mounted television, furniture that no one sat on, but looked good to have in the “foyer”. It was a side of you he hadn’t seen before.  Until this moment, you were a woman of his fantasy, wearing whatever costume he bought and engaging in any pillow talk he initiated.  Here, he could see it all. 

“On the way here,” Ethan cleared his throat. “I thought about asking you to leave him.”

Your eyebrows raised in surprise. You opened your mouth to respond, but he cut you off.

“Now, seeing this place, I realize how stupid that is. I mean look at you.” He gestured to the photo collage on the wall of all your graduation photos.  “You went to high school together, college together, graduate school....good God, I can’t compete with that.”

“It’s not a competition!” You argued.  “You fill very different roles in my life.”

“But I want his!” Ethan said, pressing his hands on his chest as he looked at you. “I want his and mine. I want you to be completely mine. I don’t like sharing, okay? I have to share everything with Grayson, but I don’t want to share you.”

You looked down and gathered your thoughts.  You hated this more than anything. 

“I can’t give you that, Ethan.” You responded, finally.  “I know it’s not easy.  I feel like I’m the only one who is okay with this.  It’s eating Xander up inside, I can tell. How would you feel if you escorted your WIFE to the pharmacy to get Plan B and the cashier asks you, ‘Wild night, tiger?’ but you know it wasn’t with you? I don’t know how he felt, I can only imagine...”

“I think I do...” Ethan gave a sad smirk as he shook his head. “My brother saw you with Xander before we left for my trip.  He thought you were cheating on me and I had to explain that you and I, we’re nothing.”

His voice broke at the end and he looked away.

“We aren’t...nothing...” Your voice was soft.  “But, maybe this is too much.  Maybe, we should figure out what we really want, from ourselves, from our relationships and, most importantly from each other.”

“We’re breaking up...” Ethan sighed, forcing a smile despite the tears pooling in his eyes. “I know I said it’s not the same, but it hurts just as bad.”

You stood up and hugged Ethan tightly, and the moment your face was buried in his chest the sobs started to roll out of you.  He held you tightly, kissing your temple in a way that made you cry harder.

“I-I don’t want to say goodbye...” You admitted. “But, I can’t hurt you anymore. Not for my own selfish gain.”

“I just want to say it, and please, don’t say anything back.  I’m just going to say it and then leave. It will be over, but I just have to say to your face.”  Ethan took a deep breath and stepped back.

His eyes were red and a little puffy and you sniffled knowing your face probably looked ten times worse.

“I love you, Y/N. Thank you for this.  Thank you for giving me the desire to love someone again and to want to be loved.  God, I wish it could be you, but I’m so grateful to have had you.”

You almost spoke and you had to clamp your mouth shut to stop yourself.  You nodded, starting to cry again and Ethan pulled you into a hug.  He kissed your forehead and repeated I love you for what seemed one thousand times.

“Don’t delete my number okay...” Ethan gave a small chuckle. “...but let’s uh, keep our distance for awhile.”

“Agreed.”  You pulled back to stare at him.  “See you... one day?”

“Yeah, see you one day.” Ethan repeated, looking at you. 

He leaned down to peck your lips softly before adjusting his beanie and walking out your door.  You followed him, still hobbling to catch up and watched him drive off.  You watched until you couldn’t even see his car the size of tiny speck, wondering if you made the right decision.  You knew you would live with “what-ifs” forever, but you knew one thing, that you would never regret falling in love with two men.  You would only regret not telling one of them.

[shareyourabortionstory]

My recent illegal abortion

How was your weekend?

A fairly mundane question we all ask and are asked on a Monday morning in the office. “Oh fine, you know, had an illegal abortion on Saturday and did the normal Sunday afternoon visit to my parents the next day so as not to arouse suspicion”

Not the answer you would expect to get is it? Especially from a mother of 3, with her own home, job security and a supportive and loving husband. But if I had answered the question honestly this Monday morning (I didn’t by the way) that’s the answer I’d have given.

There seems to be a misconception that women who have abortions are predominantly young, single and broke. But a crisis pregnancy can happen to anyone, and everyone’s perception of a crisis is different. To outsiders the news of my pregnancy would have been met with congratulations, warm wishes and perhaps the odd jibe about how our television mustn’t work, and how busy we would be with 4 young children. But my husband and I were absolutely devastated.

We were not irresponsible with contraception. I was on the pill. But life happens and 2 months ago my healthy, fit, 34 year old husband became seriously ill. It was a bolt from the blue, and as I was following the ambulance to Dublin, trying to arrange for our children to be taken care of, absolutely terrified at the prospect of losing the love of my life and the father of my children, my pill was not to the forefront of my mind. With the chaos of that week I missed a few pills. Hardly a crime. Except in this country as I was to cruelly discover, dealing with the consequences can be a crime.

My husband is fine, and the stress and emotion of that week is like a distant memory. But when I discovered 6 weeks later that I was pregnant I felt like I had been hit with a train. I didn’t even have to do a pregnancy test, I just knew. I had hyperemesis on my previous pregnancies, and as soon as I got that familiar feeling of nausea I knew. I also knew that there was no way we could have another child. It simply was out of the question. My reasons are many and complex and they are just that – MY reasons. They are none of anybody else’s concern, and every woman’s reasons are valid to them. Nobody has a right to decide what is and isn’t a valid reason except the woman herself. My husband agreed that ultimately it is my body. I was the one who would have to go through with the pregnancy, the birth, and I would bear the lion’s share of the responsibility for a new baby, when I would be up round the clock feeding. He would be supportive of whatever decision I made. I was so grateful for his support, and I cried with relief as he held me and told me everything would be alright.

I was 5 weeks pregnant when I found out. Because of the total ban on abortion in this country I was trapped. The feeling of desperation was just horrendous. Each day I was getting sicker and sicker, vomiting more, eating less, all while having to keep the pregnancy a secret from my family and colleagues. Travelling to the UK was out of the question. We simply didn’t have €2000 hanging around to spare on Christmas week. We also would have had to come up with an excuse for why we were going, and arrange childcare. I am lucky that I am part of a Pro-Choice group on Facebook, where I had heard about several voluntary organisations who help women living in countries where abortion is illegal. They provide the abortion pill for a contribution of €70. I contacted Women Help, who after an online consultation with a doctor, despatched the abortion pill to me by post. I was petrified it would be seized by customs. It was posted on December 23rd. Christmas was hell as I waited. I avoided family as much as I could, although they couldn’t be dodged completely. It took all of my energy trying not to let people know I was sick, and acting like everything was fine. I managed to feign a stomach bug over New Years, which thankfully took the pressure off for a few days.

I came up with a Plan B in case the pills didn’t arrive. I told my best friend who was home from London for Christmas. She was so supportive. She was incredulous that I had to break the law, and that I wasn’t allowed to make my own decision in this country about what was best for me. I decided that if they didn’t arrive I would have to miss Januarys mortgage payment and travel alone on a Saturday in January to London, have the procedure, stay with my friend and her husband, and come home early the next morning so nobody but my husband would know where I was gone.

Thankfully on Wednesday January 3rd they arrived in a small inconspicuous padded envelope. The relief was overwhelming. I took the first pill on Friday morning and went to work as normal. By Friday night I was so sick that I couldn’t even keep water down, and every time I moved my head I vomited. On Saturday morning I went back to bed at 10am. I put the 4 pills of misoprostol between my gum and my cheek and let them dissolve. I was so afraid to move in case I vomited, and when I swallowed them I managed to wait an hour before vomiting again. I was so terrified they wouldn’t work since I had been sick, but about 2 hours later I started to get some mild cramping.

Throughout the day I continued to have cramps and bleeding. I stayed in bed, and every time I felt a gush I went to the toilet where I passed some clots. By 5pm I knew the worst of it was over, and was relieved to find that I already felt better and was able to eat a small meal for the first time in weeks.

I realise that some people will feel that I made a selfish decision. But it was my decision and affects nobody but me and my family. I had a “bad” abortion. You know, the type that people have when they aren’t raped, or aren’t faced with a devastating diagnosis. I became pregnant through consensual sex with my husband whom I adore. Some people will judge me because my abortion doesn’t match up to their moral guidelines on when a woman should and shouldn’t be allowed to end her pregnancy. They are more concerned with the type of sex she had to become pregnant than the effect being forced to continue with the pregnancy would have. Other people feel that that abortion is morally wrong in all circumstances. That is absolutely their right and I respect their opinion. People can have whatever moral position on abortion they wish and can use that to guide their own life decisions. But when they try to enforce that opinion on someone else by making it law, that’s where I have a problem.

I was 8 weeks pregnant. I could have ended the pregnancy at 5 weeks had abortion not been illegal. I have no regrets. I think this is very important to say, as lots of anti-choice advocates like to preach that they know what is best for women. I am sure some women do regret their abortions, just as some women regret continuing with their pregnancies. But women themselves are best placed to make their own decisions, and it makes me so angry when I hear the patronising drivel that abortion should continue to be illegal so that us poor silly women can be protected from ourselves. How dare somebody think that they know better than me what is best for me and my family. My main emotion now is anger. I am angry that I had to break the law in order to access Healthcare that is standard in most Western countries. To think that I could go to prison for 14 years for making the best decision for me about my own body is like something from a dystopian novel.

I am still bleeding lightly 4 days later. My friend wants me to go to the doctor for a check up, but it’s not that simple. If I go to the doctor I will have to lie and say I had a miscarriage. I’m sure it would arouse suspicion to turn up at the doctor a week after a “miscarriage” I had at home, having sought no medical help at the time. So I will take the risk and assume that everything is fine unless I develop complications. Women living in Ireland are being forced to take this risk every day of the week.

Look around you. Women who have had abortions are not “other”. They are everywhere. They behave no differently to you. They are your friends, daughters, sisters, cousins, colleagues, mothers, aunts, and grandmothers, who have all made what they felt was the right choice for them at a particular point in their lives. The fact that in the year 2018 women need to ask to please be trusted to make decisions about our own Healthcare is beyond belief. Yet here we are.

[imusedtoitipromise]

I feel like I’m generally pretty good at beginning posts but this one I’m struggling with. There’s no easy way to broach the subject or ease into it, so I guess I’m just going to go for it. 

I had an abortion

I’m in no way shape or form embarrassed or upset with my decision. In fact, I knew that this was the absolute right choice for me. What I am worried about is that it’s a very touchy subject. I know that different people have different beliefs and I think I’m mostly afraid of upsetting someone else. At the end of the day, it was my decision. I’m happy, I have no emotional attachment to the situation, and I can only hope that writing about my experience and help others. When I set out to find information about both procedures I had a very hard time finding personal stories and experiences.

You know how when you get that feeling? The feeling that maybe something is off, something bad is going to happen, or you know that your gut instinct is right? I just knew. My period is very regular. It always has been, ever since my fist one when I was 10. My best friend and I generally have very close cycles. We do this dumb thing where we send each other the same emoji 3 times with confetti. This means, “hurray! I got my period, I’m not pregnant.”  Except neither of us had sent or received our special coded message. I messaged her and she said “oh yeah, I just forgot to send it. I’m 3 days in.” That’s when I knew.

That evening was filled with anxiety. I suppose it started to make sense why I had been so damn tired recently. Why I was a bit more sensitive than normal. Which, I suppose does fluctuate due to the whole Bipolar 2 situation. The next day was Saturday. Now I usually spend the weekend at my partners house. I usually come over Friday after work and then I leave Sunday afternoon. That Friday I just happened to be too tired from work and due to it being a 40-50 minute drive I just stayed home. The next day I went to his house. We planned to go to the Zoo. I felt like I was more quiet than normal. It was also very hot outside. The other zoo guests were terrible people in general. (I ended up alerting their guest services area that there were some teenage boys harassing the goats, if that gives you an idea of how people were behaving.) We fed the giraffes, walked around, looked at most of the animals and then left. 

Before I arrived at his house I stopped at a grocery store and bought a few things, among those was a boxed pregnancy test, which contained two tests. The box advertised that it gave early results, which I’m sure is very helpful if you’re trying to conceive. After we got home from the zoo we kind of hung out. I was very quiet and I’m sure I had a concerned look on my face. At some point he asked if I was okay. “Soo my period is late and I think I might be pregnant.” I was absolutely terrified of telling him. Now, he and I had discussed what we both wanted in our lives, politics, beliefs, and what not in the past. We’re more or less on the same page for everything, including not wanting children. I knew he would have the same feelings about abortion that I did. I was afraid of him deciding he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was afraid of him deciding he was done immediately and that was that. I told him I bought the test and that I was afraid to take it. He said it was going to be okay.

I sat on the bed for a few more minutes and said “okay well... I guess I should go do the thing.” I went to the bathroom, read the instructions 3 times, and then took the test. I was too afraid to look, so I flopped on the bed and I asked him to look for me. I feel like at this point I already knew. He walked in to the bathroom and once he returned he very calmly said “there’s two lines.” This means the test was positive. It was confirmed that I was pregnant. I told him about my fears and that I was afraid to tell him. He held me close and said that none of those things would happen. He took the news so calmly and it was such a huge relief. We played a few video games, cooked dinner, and then I took another test several hours later. It came up positive immediately, as in less than a minute. I came back to the living room area, sat on the floor, and just cried. He held me, assured me everything was going to be okay, and then we began to look at our options. 

Because it was now Saturday night we couldn’t make any phone calls so we did all of our research online. We found out that there were two options- Medical (pill) and Surgical (surgical procedure performed by a doctor in an office) After reading about both online I decided that I wanted to have the surgical procedure. The pill had way more potential and longer lasting side effects. The stories I had read were not very positive and due to my already high anxiety, I decided I would feel safer at an actual doctors office. The procedure would be over 1,2,3 and that was that. 

I spent all of Sunday sleeping with the exception of a few hours of being awake  for dinner. We decided to make a list of all of the things to ask my insurance company and Planned Parenthood. I slept probably until 3 pm on Monday afternoon. I ended up calling PPH first, they said that they do take insurance, to call my provider, and ask about elective abortions. The insurance told me they covered the procedure. I called back PPH, gave them my insurance information, and booked my appointment. They told me that they would call me 24-48 hours before the procedure and give me the total cost.

I ended up staying at his place until Tuesday. I came home told my roommates what was going on and let them know that he would be staying with me for the weekend and that I would be taking a medical leave. My appointment was scheduled for Friday at 1:20pm. The week felt like it crept by, being constantly tired didn’t help the situation, either. My partner came over Thursday night. I barely slept and I was beyond nervous. However, there was a problem, we never heard back from PPH about the cost. We decided to call them. It turns out they actually didn’t accept my insurance so the procedure would cost $595. That was money that neither of us had to spend so we decided to make a few more phone calls and do some more research.I also set up my short term disability and medical leave. We ended up finding a clinic that was much cheaper even though they didn’t accept insurance. Our new appointment was set for 10:30 the following day, which was a Saturday.

Saturday morning I woke up and was beyond nervous. We arrived at the clinic and there were a few protesters. I wasn’t phased by them even though they were relentless. One of the women said “oh your mother must me so proud of your decision.” my response was “your mother should have swallowed”. I was quite pleased with that. We made it inside and it was PACKED. I began my paperwork. 10 minutes after signing in they called me back for a urine test. They never told me what order things were going to be happening in. Every place that offered these services said to plan on being at the clinic for roughly 3-5 hours. I returned to my paperwork, nervously filling it out. 10 more minutes and I was called back again. This time they were taking my blood pressure, heart rate, my iron levels, and checking to see if my blood was Rh negative or positive. My blood is Rh positive (if you have negative you have to have a short in order to have a successful pregnancy) my iron levels were good. My blood pressure is always fantastic, thankfully. Though, they had to check it twice because my heart rate was roughly 128bpm due to the anxiety. 

I returned to the waiting room finishing my paperwork, I turned it in to the window and they told me to have a seat. An hour later they called me back for the ultrasound. They couldn’t find anything because the pregnancy was so early, around 4-5 weeks. The ultrasound technician made me feel pretty stupid. I also found out my uterus is flipped downward which also made it harder to detect anything. She told me that I would have to have a vaginal ultrasound or I could come back in two weeks. 

I went back to the waiting room and then I was called back again. I assumed this is when the procedure would be happening. They would not let my partner come back with me and this made my anxiety even worse. Fortunately this was just the consultation. The nurse that helped me was amazing. She was so patient and kind. She explained EVERYTHING that I had questions about. She really went above and beyond by taking her time with me. After talking with her I decided that I would like to have the Medical (pill) procedure, especially because my partner could not be with me for any of the scary parts. The next step was to wait for the doctor to arrive.

They told us the doctor would be coming from a city that its roughly an hour and a half away at most. We decided to go and get something to eat. I wasn’t very hungry so we just went to get some donuts and an icee. We also got to stop at a very important memorial that commemorated a horrible act of hate. It was my first time seeing the memorial since the event two years ago. It really filled my heart that there was an abundance of love there. You could just feel it. 

We arrived back at the clinic 30 minutes later and the doctor still hadn’t arrived. It was probably close to 2:30. To spare you all the details we waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, on the doctor. I wasn’t seen until 5:30, which is fine. Only 7 hours after the initial appointment. I finally see the doctor. He does the ultrasound, finds the pregnancy, and he told me how the pills work. He gave me a note excusing me from work for 3 weeks, due to the post procedure instructions. I took the first pill, which stops the pregnancy and was instructed to take the other pills to expel everything 24 hours later. I was also prescribed percocet for the pain. The doctor said because it was such an early pregnancy, the abortion would feel like a strong period. He prescribed me birth control and asked if I would like a copy of the ultrasound. I said yes, took my things, and was on my way.

We stopped to get food, went back to my partners house and I just fell asleep. I’ve done a lot of sleeping in the past week and a half. I ended up sleeping through the night. We ended up leaving his house around 3pm. We stopped at the pharmacy, dropped off my medical leave paperwork, and then made our way to my place.

I cleaned up the kitchen and my room. I also put my bedding in the wash. Around 5pm I took the percocet and at 5:30 I put the misoprostal in between my cheeks and my gums and let them dissolve. They tasted like bitter, chalky, paper. Within 25 minutes was in excruciating pain. I can absolutely say that it was the worst pain I have ever experienced. I went to the bathroom and told my partner that I wouldn’t be locking the door in case I needed him. 5 minutes after I had been in the restroom I messaged him and asked for water. At this point I was sitting on the toilet doubled over in pain. I thanked him for the water and he left. A few minutes later I messaged him with the word “help”. I was in so much pain I couldn’t speak. The most I could stammer was “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” 

He brought a small portable fan into the bathroom and made sure it was blowing on me. He sat on the edge of the tub and held my hand. The door was left open and my sweet dog came in and placed his head on my arm. He also didn’t leave my side. I ended up getting off the toilet and laying on the floor. I was whimpering in pain and trying to breathe through it the best that I could. I eventually got up and made it into my room. I curled into a ball on my bed, continuing to breathe and whimper through the pain. I also asked for a cool wet wash cloth for the back of my neck and that seemed to help. He got me another percocet, made sure I had something to drink, and made sure I was as comfortable as I could possibly be. I ended up going in and out of sleep. 

The evacuation process did not being until about 3 hours after I had taken the misoprostal. I mentioned that I wish I had something bland like crackers. I eventually decided on wanting soup so he left to get me some. Shortly after he left the pain got VERY intense. I went into the bathroom and that is when the evacuation process began. The cramps came back in waves and while they were strong, they were nowhere near as bad as they were in the beginning. I’m sure taking more percocet helped with that tremendously. He was gone for roughly 20 minutes and by the time he returned the miscarriage had happened. I laid back in bed, he brought my fan in, and I slept for a bit longer. 

I woke up about 30 minutes later and relocated to the couch to eat my soup and we watched some TV to take my mind of everything. I was finally feeling much better, but I still felt very hazy. Around 1:30 he made my bed, made sure I was comfortable and we went to sleep. He woke me up the next morning, made sure I took another percocet, and then I fell back sleep.

I woke up several hours later and was finally feeling more like myself. All in all I have no emotional attachment to the abortion itself. I have no remorse, no guilt, and I 200% know I made the right decision.  I’m glad we had this option available. Even though it was painful for a few hours I’m glad I went through with this. I think if he could have come with me and I was further along I would have chosen the surgical procedure. The clinic itself was just okay. I wish the doctor would have been more punctual but I’m glad it’s finally over and done with. 

This whole experience ended up being very positive for me. I think a great deal of it had to do with having a partner who supported me every step of the way, didn’t leave my side, and made sure I was as comfortable as possible. Also knowing that this was exactly what I wanted to do made a big difference as well. As far as post procedure goes, I’m not having heavy bleeding or extreme cramping. If anything I’m happier and I feel like a stronger person as a whole.

[remembertae]

Please Like Me “Pancakes With Faces”

(Photo: Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

S3 E6 Nov. 19, 2015

WRITTEN BY: Josh Thomas, Liz Doran & Thomas Ward SYNOPSIS Claire -- a single, twenty-something Australian woman who's just returned home after working abroad -- is pregnant and wants an abortion. Her gay best friend/ex-boyfriend Josh (with whom she's staying) wakes her up on the morning of her appointment. She wonders if she's making the right decision, mentions how they used to talk about having kids, and asks him if she should keep the baby so they can raise it together. When he looks baffled, she reveals she's only kidding. Later, Josh tells roommate Tom that Claire isn't feeling well so he's taking her to the doctor. When Tom asks if her condition is contagious, Claire and Josh burst out laughing.

Claire and Josh encounter a small group of quiet protesters outside the clinic, but she ignores them. Once inside, Claire tells Josh she's nervous about seeing the doctor but otherwise fine. A nurse calls her back to see the physician in private. Josh is allowed in for the latter part of the consultation after Claire's ultrasound; the doctor wanted to make sure he wasn't forcing her to abort. Noting his slight figure, Claire laughs at the idea that Josh could force her to do anything. The doctor explains to them how a medical abortion work. Claire has already taken mifepristone, which will stop the supply of pregnancy hormones. At home, she’ll take a misoprostol pill, which will allow the pregnancy tissue to pass. She further explains that Claire might experience pain and should expect to feel "irritable and emotional." At this point, Josh makes Claire repeatedly promise to remember that if she gets mad at him later, it isn't his fault. The doctor stares at Josh then asks Claire if there isn't anyone else who can take care of her that weekend. Claire is moody at home, but Josh helps her remember her pill regimen (including painkillers) and makes her laugh. After a long spell on the toilet -- and much grunting -- she passes most of the fetal tissue. Claire offers to let Josh take a look before she flushes, but he declines. She glances at the bowl, then flushes. Later, Josh brings Claire homemade fried chicken in bed and suggests they calmly state some of the irrational feelings they'd both had that weekend. She says, "I thought my politics would keep me safe from my feelings, and I was wrong." He admits that he fantasized about keeping the baby. She says she dressed up pretty to see the doctor -- "I just didn't want them to think I was like the other girls" -- and that she's angry at herself for thinking that. She then adds that she feels a little guilty. Josh reminds her she has nothing to feel guilty about and Claire replies with a sob, "Well, maybe not guilty. But like... just kind of like a fuck-up." She says that flushing the fetal tissue reminded her of when she’d neglected her goldfish and had to flush them down the toilet. The two friends reflect on the fact that they're becoming actual adults. Then Josh's mom calls and tells them about her bizarre plan to get revenge on a cheating boyfriend, which makes both of them crack up. In an attempt to cheer Claire up, Josh and Tom build a small scale city out of cardboard boxes in the middle of the living room so they can watch their dog John destroy it. But John just sits there. So at Tom's recommendation, Claire dresses in Josh's frog costume and becomes "Clairezilla", gleefully smashing the box city to bits. KEEPING IT REAL QUOTIENT This is the first abortion episode I've seen that thoroughly and accurately depicts how a medical abortion works, and kudos for that. I love that we see both a scene in which a physician calmly explains the process and its side effects as well as a scene in which Claire is actually going through the most uncomfortable part of it, muttering to Josh between cramps, "I'm never, ever having sex again!" Most shows that feature an abortion-seeking character tend to gloss over the physical experience of termination, focusing more on the drama associated with making the choice to abort. This is a refreshingly un-dramatic portrayal of abortion, but I also appreciate that we see Claire's vulnerability. Like her friends, Claire tends to be pretty cool-headed and sarcastic. She knows from the start that she not only wants an abortion but that it is also her absolute right. But in the midst of being "emotional and irritable", she confesses that she feels like she screwed up. This, for me, was very relatable. When I had an abortion, I also made the choice quickly and went into the procedure knowing it was my right. But even though I never regretted the decision, for many years after I gave myself hell for having gotten pregnant by accident. And I chalk that remorse up to stigma. Once I started sharing my story and hearing other people's stories, I got over the shame of having made a mistake. Yeah, it sucks getting knocked up unexpectedly. And it sucks going through an expensive and uncomfortable medical procedure you'd have rather avoided. But the error itself is pretty normal. It needn't be a source of embarrassment. But stigma is a mighty force, and it's hard to not feel bad about oneself after having an abortion. I love characters like Mimi-Rose from Girls, who can just do the deed without taking a hit to her self esteem. Being that chill about it is, for me, a feminist aspiration. But my experience was more like Claire's - a conflicted feminist reality. I especially loved that bit about her wanting to appear more "together" than the other girls, and the gnawing shame she feels about that later. Josh is a model for how to be a good pal when your friend is having an abortion. Despite his self-centered joking (that scene in the doctor's office, when he cheekily makes Claire's post-abortion irritability all about himself, is classic Josh), he is a wonderful caretaker. He doesn't blab about her situation to anyone. He goes with her to the clinic. He sees her through her weekend of physical discomfort and when she's feeling sad, he mostly just listens. Plus he brings her fried chicken in bed. If you want to know how to help your friend or partner who is terminating, be like Josh.

These two friends share a very funny, honest rapport that makes this story both humorous and sweet. There’s this great moment when they approach the clinic and he takes a pamphlet from one of the protesters. When she gives him shit for interacting with them, he says he just wanted to be polite. Then he notes that the pamphlet is full of typos and that they’ve spelled the word “fetus” four different ways, and they have a chuckle. The episode is full of these subtle moments in which friends comfort each other in an awkward situation by cracking jokes. As someone who tends to weather tough times with a lot of dark humor, that felt very real to me. The final scene is really lovely. Tom and the other friends who are there don't know why Claire's been in a bad mood, but they still find a way to help her feel better. And when she becomes Clairezilla, she smiles again. GRADE A In addition to accurately presenting a medical abortion from start to finish, this episode does a fantastic job of handling the weird, sometimes contradictory feelings some pro-choice feminists experience after termination. It feels so authentic. - by Tara

[venti-venting-double-shot]

So, when I first took this picture – September 2014 – it was with the intent of mimicking “picking herbs in Skyrim.” It was a photograph taken in a New Orleans graveyard, or something nearby anyway, and my friend (who we’ll call EC) was enthusiastically flitting about like a pastel gothic fairy of Catholicism. Laying on graves and stuff like a real life Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

 We took selfies, and photos of one another, and artsy photos of graves, and somehow this shot was my favorite because it made me think of a video game.

 It took my mind off of how, weeks prior, I’d had an abortion.

Here’s the thing about that: it wasn’t really the abortion itself that messed me up, mentally speaking. It was the fact I’d gotten pregnant in the first place, and the fact that between the beginning of pregnancy side effects and the end of abortion side effects, I felt like complete shit for about six months.

 I don’t know if that’s really normal; it’s probably not, and probably related to the probable endometriosis I probably got from my mom. (Probably.) I don’t always mess around with self diagnosis, but when I do, it’s usually because of a combination of family history and me expressing the exact same symptoms that family member either did or currently does express.

 My reasons for having the abortion are pretty simple: I was poor as shit (I still am), I had terrible physical and mental health, I had no idea if I’d have a miscarriage (out of 3 or 4 pregnancies my mom had, only I came to term), if I’d die in childbirth from related complications and/or commit suicide from poor mental health stressed by hormones and, well, stress, and…

 … ultimately, I just didn’t want to have a kid. It’s not that I hate children, really. I think they’re perfectly acceptable in small doses when they’re not throwing tantrums. (Even if I did hate kids, I would never actively let a child know that I hated them, because that’s just being a dick.) I’m not opposed to adopting later in life, and I’m not terribly opposed to the idea of donating my eggs to someone who really wants my DNA (for some reason).

 But, like… I don’t really want one of my own. I just … don’t.

 The abortion itself was pretty straightforward. I wasn’t far enough along that I couldn’t just take a pill and be done with it; my state makes you do a dumb 24 hour period after watching a bunch of videos and having a consultation, and a bunch of stuff I don’t really recall; apparently, because I have a negative blood type, I needed a special shot, in case I got pregnant again in the future. Something about potentially hemorrhaging and dying, which, excuse me, what? Hello, yet another reason not to ever get pregnant again.

 The doctors were really nice, and I didn’t have anybody picketing or giving me death threats or hate mail; I kept it private, because I’m a private person, so nobody but like 3 people even knew enough to send me hate mail in the first place. The guy who’d knocked me up was sweet and went with be both times, and supported me throughout the … shall we say, ordeal that followed. Honestly, it was kind of surreal in that it wasn’t at all dramatic.

 … and then the actual medication was taken, and I suddenly understood what Hell must be like. It’s my understanding that it’s kind of based off of what your period feels like; take that, and multiply it by, like, ten, and that’s how much pain you’ll be in, how much blood you’ll lose, so on and so forth. All your usual symptoms, but extra.

For some people, I guess that’s bearable, but for me, ahaha, no. It was a solid week – during which I still had to work, mind you, because I had bills to pay – that I wanted to stab myself until I bled out and died. I was taking maximum strength pain killers, to the point where I was walking around basically high out of my mind, and it still hurt.

 It still hurt so bad. And I was losing enough blood that I seriously considered going to the emergency room, but like – money. So I didn’t. And I survived. (To anyone reading this: don’t be me. Go to the emergency room and don’t risk death. Don’t be stupid.)

 For months after the abortion, I would get so stressed out if my period was at all late that I would make myself physically ill. 1) that’s ridiculous, and 2) I have irregular periods anyway, so it’s even more ridiculous. The mere thought of getting pregnant again (and having to go through Actual Hell On Earth again) absolutely TERRIFIED me. Even if I hadn’t had sex for, like, two months – I would still panic.

 The very thought of having what was essentially a parasite in my body, consuming my resources, turning me into something I just wasn’t… honestly, that fucked me up a lot. It changed me, fundamentally, as a person, albeit in subtle ways.

 So, basically, after a while of that, I knew I had to do something.

 It took a really, really long time to find someone who took me seriously. Most people chalked it up to trauma, said I was too young to make that decision (though not too young to decide to have a child), and a bunch of the same bullshit we’re all used to hearing.

 Seriously, the pro-life mentality is just … so ridiculously pervasive. The thought that a woman who doesn’t serve her purpose as a baby factory is just so WRONG to these people, and I cannot for the life of me understand why they put the life and wellbeing of something that isn’t even a valid human being until WEEKS into a pregnancy … over a person who has had several years to grow and flourish already.

 “That child could be the savior of humanity!”

 Yeah.

 The mother could also be the savior of humanity, but nah, we’re just going to shoulder her with a responsibility she doesn’t actually need to shoulder, and potentially kill her … for the sake of someone that doesn’t even exist yet.

 Sure, we’ll call that Pro Life.

 But honestly, I’m not going to convince anyone with a rant on tumblr. They already haven’t been convinced by the absolutely devastating stories of women’s lives who were lost, of instances where the mother and the child both died, of instances where a child was born lifeless for no purpose other than someone else denying another person their basic rights.

 A dead body has more rights over their organs than some women do over their wombs. You don’t want to donate your organs, even if it’ll save lives? Not a problem. We legally cannot force you to. You don’t want to donate your womb?

 Well, that’s just unacceptable. How dare you.

 For the record, EC, being Catholic, was the most supportive person I had in my life at the time, because she understands that Pro Life =/= Pro Birth. But … I was lucky to have supportive parents – I could not have afforded it otherwise – and a supportive guy that could have been a dad. He wanted kids eventually.

 But he understood what it meant to me.

 Finally, after months of looking, I found someone who actually listened to me, respected me, and agreed to do the ~controversial~ procedure on me. (Tubal ligation.) I was 23 years old. It was January, just days after the new year, and I again had work shortly afterward despite it being an atrocious idea.

 Yes. Work after surgery. I am a brilliant human being.

 Do not the things I do, for they are unwise and completely self-destructively moronic.

 Oh, and I was accidentally given a double dose of valium, so that was one hell of a trip. Hardly life threatening (I think), but an interesting experience nonetheless. When I woke up, I think I made it three steps before vomiting (much to the amusement of my ride home), and the next few days were a blur of reality-warping bullshit. I refused to take the Vicodin they had given me, because my family has a history of addiction, and every few seconds I felt like I was entering another dimension.

 Honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t get myself killed. I drove under those conditions. What the fuck, past me? You stupid mother fucker.

 Anyway, there you go, there’s proof that you can in fact get a tubal ligation under 25, despite having no kids. I wasn’t forced to go to therapy, I wasn’t screamed at or abused, and not once have I ever been told that I’m a whore or selfish or a terrible human being; I kind of wish I had been, because after hearing all the horror stories, I saved up some serious comebacks. I never got to use them.

 (By the way, about six months after the tubal ligation, I finally stopped having panic attacks every single late period. There has only been one Bad incident, and that was when my period was late by, like, two weeks. At that point, I was more concerned I was going to have a medical emergency on my hands, so of course I panicked, but… it was easier to calm down from, if that makes sense, because I knew that they’d HAVE to operate, that I wouldn’t get pregnant again, this whole list of things I kept telling myself over and over again until my period finally came and all was well.) 

Anyway, if you don’t think Skyrim is a good game, you can fucking fight me. 

[abgailgibbs]

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[gyrlversion]

‘That was the only option for me’: What life was like for women who needed abortions before Roe v. Wade

During the eight-hour car ride from Ohio to New York, they rode in absolute silence.

The year was 1971 and Pamela Mason, an 18-year-old freshman at Ohio State University in Columbus, Ohio, had just found out she was pregnant. She knew that she and her boyfriend had been careless, but she also knew she wasn’t ready to be a mother. The moment she realized her period was late, she felt like she was going to pass out.

When she first called up her boyfriend to tell him the news, he immediately hung up. Half an hour later, her phone rang.

“What do you want to do?” he asked her. Her answer was easy: “I want to have an abortion.”

Mason’s unplanned pregnancy occurred two years prior to the landmark Supreme Court decision Roe v. Wade, which legalized abortion in the US and granted women a constitutional right to the procedure. At that time, abortions were heavily restricted in her state.

“I never thought ‘Oh, well, we can have the baby,'” Mason, now 65 and an administrative assistant living in New Jersey, told INSIDER. “It was strictly I am getting an abortion. That was the only option for me.”

That meant driving 500 miles away in a 1967 green Chevy Impala to New York City, where abortions were legal. And, Mason thought at the time, that distance was doable.

Women created underground networks to help each other access safe abortions

In the decades prior to Roe, there were several ways in which women could try to have an abortion.

Some women, typically those who were wealthier and with “contacts,” could convince licensed doctors to perform the procedure as a matter of conscience — or profit — said Carol Sanger, a law professor at Columbia University and author of the book “About Abortion: Terminating Pregnancy in the 21st Century.” But, not all doctors were so willing because the penalties fell on the doctor performing the abortion.

In many cases, women had no choice but to partake in illegal abortions to terminate their pregnancies. Some worked with organizations and underground abortion networks, like the Chicago-based group “Jane,” or the Clergy Consultation Service, made up of religious leaders nationwide, which had been created to help women navigate the abortion landscape and safely access the procedure. Many of the female members of “Jane” learned how to perform the procedures themselves, at one point performing abortions four days a week and serving as many as 10 woman a day.

But, others weren’t as lucky.

“The situation pre- Roe was that the rich people did okay because they could pay to get a proper legal abortion. Some people were savvy enough to contact organizations like ‘Jane’ or the Clergy,” Sanger said, adding, “for ordinary women, they would just go by word of mouth and take their chances because they wouldn’t want to be pregnant.”

A young woman holds a sign demanding a woman’s right to abortion at a demonstration in Madison, Wis., April 20, 1971.

AP Photo

Leslie Reagan, a professor of history at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign and author of the book “When Abortion Was a Crime”, said that illegal abortions became more clandestine as a result of tough enforcement by police and prosecutors. Doctors could be penalized with fines or jail sentences that varied by state. In those illicit situations, the quality of care was extremely uneven and could have disastrous consequences.

Sometimes, if there were complications after an illegal abortion, women had no choice but to rush to emergency rooms, only to be harassed by hospital staff and police with probing questions about who performed the procedure. “Most people would be taken care of by doctors, but some of those people died in the emergency rooms,” Reagan said.

Other women resorted to self-abortions, the most notable tactic being a coat hanger-induced abortion. But, according to Reagan, desperate women were willing to try anything: “people went to the drug store and they got orange sticks. They also used medical things, like catheters which are rubber covered wires so they are stiff… they used pens, cotton, pencils, a list of things,” she said. “There were people who tried to use Coke bottles, tried to use Clorox… there were these pills that were sold and they were told to put them in their vagina, and they just burned through the tissue.”

Women protesting abortion laws, Dec. 9, 1969.

Photo by Joe Runci/The Boston Globe via Getty Images

Many women, who could afford the cost, traveled elsewhere to have the procedure, with underground abortion networks helping them navigate the journey and offering details — like how to travel safely or tips on not getting ripped off. For women on the East Coast, Scandinavian countries, like Sweden, were a popular destination, while those on the West Coast traveled to Mexico and Japan.

The story of “Miss Sherri”

One of the most high-profile cases of a woman trying to travel abroad for an abortion was that of Sherri Finkbine, a 30-year-old television host known as “Miss Sherri” on the children’s show “Romper Room.” In the spring of 1962, Finkbine, a pregnant mother of four living in Arizona, took pills her husband had brought her following a business trip to England, to curb her morning sickness. She later discovered the pills contained thalidomide, which could cause severe birth defects. Finkbine decided to terminate her pregnancy.

But it wouldn’t be that easy. Hoping to warn other women about the drug, Finkbine shared her story with a local reporter, asking for anonymity. But her identity was exposed, unleashing a firestorm over her decision to have an abortion. She requested a therapeutic abortion before a three-man board at a Phoenix hospital, but was denied.

View of pregnant American television show host Sherri Chessen Finkbine (known as Miss Sherri on ‘Romper Room’) sits with her children during her ongoing legal case to seek a medically prescribed abortion, Phoenix, Arizona, August 1962.

Photo by J. R. Eyerman/Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images

In the early 1960s, when Finkbine requested an abortion, 44 states, including Arizona, only allowed abortion if it endangered the women’s life. Women who were caught going to an abortion doctor were often required to appear in court.

“Women were in a difficult position at times because they were still being hauled into court and having to give testimony and sometimes being examined to support the case against an abortion provider,” Mary Ziegler, a law professor at Florida State University who has written extensively about the history of abortion and Roe v. Wade, told INSIDER.

Raids on abortion providers’ offices — and subsequently women being brought to court to testify against them — became common in the 1940s and 1950s as a way to enforce abortion laws, Reagan wrote in her book “When Abortion Was a Crime.” Women could be posed questions about their abortion provider, the procedure, and their sexual encounters. When a Chicago woman who had an abortion refused to testify about the procedure in 1949, she was ordered to six months in jail for contempt of court.

A 22-year-old woman sits in a Los Angeles jail following an abortion arrest.

Photo by Los Angeles Examiner/USC Libraries/Corbis via Getty Images

After Finkbine’s name became public, the death threats started, and the FBI even stationed themselves at her home as a safety measure. Eventually, she went to Sweden to have the abortion.

Eight years later, in 1970, New York legalized the procedure and, according to Sanger, became “a mecca for performing abortions.” In the years before Roe, three other states, Hawaii, Washington, and Alaska, passed similar laws. But, unlike New York, those states required women seeking an abortion to have already lived in the state for a certain period of time.

Women, like Mason, flocked to New York for the procedure.

To scrape together the money for an abortion, she stole discarded soda bottles

At Ohio State in the 1960s, it was known among the student body that Planned Parenthood was the place to go for birth control and information about reproductive health services. Mason took a bus from campus to Planned Parenthood, where she was immediately referred to a clinic in Manhattan. She called to schedule an appointment and was told the procedure was $150, in addition to travel costs.

For Mason and her boyfriend, money was tight; she only had around $50 in the bank at the time. To scrape together the funds, she stole discarded glass soda bottles from her neighbor, which could be sold for around a nickel. Her best friend swiped bottles from her mom to contribute to the cause.

They set out on a Saturday night in the clunky Chevy Impala and, as Mason recalls, her boyfriend barely spoke to her throughout the whirlwind trip. “I was pretty devastated by his reaction to kind of just treat it like it was my fault, that was the message I was getting,” she said. “I was just trying to keep my mind on the mission, basically, that I’m doing this because I want to and, regardless of how he is going to behave, I’m not going to pull the car over.”

When Mason arrived to New York City she was immediately enthralled by the throngs of people and traffic consuming the city. “Wow, this is some place,” she thought to herself. Her boyfriend dropped her off at the clinic and whisked away to find parking. She was all alone.

1972: Members of the New York women’s Liberation Army demonstrate on a street corner to demand abortion rights.

Photo by Peter Keegan/Keystone/Getty Images

At the clinic, she was so nervous she could barely speak. While explaining the procedure, a concerned counselor paused to ask, “are you OK?”

“I want it to be over,” Mason replied.

The abortion was painful but was quickly over. She’ll never forget the kindness exuded by clinic staff.

Almost five decades later, she feels immense relief that New York City was only 500 miles away from Columbus. “If I lived in Kansas or Missouri at the time, I don’t want to think what would have happened to me,” Mason said. “I was geographically lucky.”

A string of abortion laws have recently passed, aimed at putting Roe V. Wade on the line

In early May of this year, Alabama lawmakers sent shockwaves across the country by passing the country’s most restrictive abortion law. The law effectively bans abortions in the state, unless it poses a “serious health risk” to the mother, and doesn’t include exceptions for survivors of rape or incest. Doctors who perform the procedure could face up to 99 years in prison.

And Alabama isn’t alone: various states have passed measures recently to restrict abortion access. Earlier this month, Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp signed a so-called “heartbeat bill” that bans the procedure after a heartbeat is detected, typically around five to six weeks and before many women know they are pregnant. In mid-May, legislators in Missouri’s State Senate also passed a bill to ban abortions after eight weeks, with no exemptions for rape or incest. Since the start of 2019, states like Utah, Arkansas, Kentucky, and Mississippi, have brought forth extreme anti-abortion measures, part of a concerted effort to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Anti-abortion activists from around the US gather in Washington, DC January 19, 2018 for the annual “March for Life.”

EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images

None of the recently passed abortion bans have formally gone into effect, and groups like the American Civil Liberties Union and the Center for Reproductive Rights intend to challenge the measures.

Mason says she couldn’t believe it when Roe v. Wade was passed in 1973. She was still enrolled at Ohio State and immediately began volunteering at the state’s first abortion clinic. At that time, the clinic was the only one in the region — and the phone was constantly ringing with women not just from Ohio, but the surrounding five states as well.

Eventually, she was offered a full-time job.

“We sometimes had to turn away more people than we could help because of the large demand,” she said about her time working at the clinic. “I wish these lawmakers understood the need, and the demand, for safe, legal abortions.”

In the decades since the passage of Roe, anti-abortion groups and lawmakers have pursued a strategy of slowly chipping away at abortion access, imposing measures such as required waiting periods, mandated counseling, and strict requirements on abortion clinics and providers, to make it more difficult for women to access the procedure. Federal laws, like the Hyde Amendment, also block federal Medicaid funds from being used to pay for abortions.

Since Roe was decided, states have introduced more than 1,200 abortion restrictions, with more than a third of those enacted since 2010, according to the Guttmacher Institute, a leading research and policy organization on reproductive health.

“Many women today, particularly in the Midwest and the South, have been living in environments where, frankly, Roe is already not a reality for them, and losing Roe would of course make the barriers to accessing abortion that much worse,” said Rachel Sussman, National Director of State Policy and Advocacy at Planned Parenthood Federation of America. “It is going to have a disproportionate impact on people who are already facing systematic barriers to accessing healthcare, so women living in rural communities, women living in poverty, people of color are going to face these barriers.”

Activists dressed as characters from “The Handmaid’s Tale” chant in the Texas Capitol Rotunda as they protest SB8, a bill that would require health care facilities, including hospitals and abortion clinics, to bury or cremate any fetal remains whether from abortion, miscarriage or stillbirth, and they would be banned from donating aborted fetal tissue to medical researchers, Tuesday, May 23, 2017, in Austin.

AP Photo/Eric Gay

Going forward, Sussman said it is imperative for those who support women’s reproductive health to reach out to their state’s elected officials about the importance of safe, legal abortions.

For women like Mason, who benefited from the procedure, that message is more critical now than ever.

“The trauma for me was driving 20 hours. It wasn’t the abortion or the aftermath or thinking ‘what had I done?'” Mason said about her experience. “I am so grateful to the people in New York City who made this totally petrified 18 year old feel like it’s going to be OK, and to get back to Ohio in one piece and to go to school on Monday.”

Mason is grateful she had access to an abortion when so many others didn’t. “When I look back on the trajectory of my life, all the things I’ve done throughout my adult life were only possible because I was able to terminate my pregnancy, so just all around it’s a lot of gratitude.”

The post ‘That was the only option for me’: What life was like for women who needed abortions before Roe v. Wade appeared first on Gyrlversion.

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[polarizeapps-blog]

alex gaskarth

the writer !!

just wanna apologise here too cos the submit box won’t let me edit the full layout of the app or stay that way when i copy and paste… fml.

name/alias: eve pronouns: she/her timezone: GMT other characters: nope! anything else you want us to know: i’m in another group so my activity could fluctuate but i imagine i’ll be on the dash pretty often!

the muse !!

name: alex gaskarth age + birthday: 29, 14th december job: vocalist of all time low gender + pronouns: cis male, he/him

faceclaim: n/a

secret: I just want to apologise for how long this is… Alex’s secrets kinda grew arms and legs the longer I played him. So, it’s summarised, and then the full version is below it, along with a bit of history about he and John O’Callaghan’s relationship since it’s relevant (I should be joining with the Johno reserve but if they don’t join then I’ll edit some things later!). BUT I’M REALLY SORRY BECAUSE IT’S HUGE.

SUMMARY

Alex’s first girlfriend falls pregnant with their child aged sixteen, but aborts it without his knowledge. After their break-up, Alex suffers a groin injury in gym class that leaves him infertile, and heartbroken over the idea that he could have been a father had it not been for the abortion.

Later in life, Alex’s second girlfriend falls pregnant after sleeping with him and an unknown man around the same time. They were, however, not together at the time, and she is unaware of his slim-to-none chances of conceiving. She’s aware he doesn’t want to be with her and is too afraid to reveal the child could be his, and chooses to raise it never attempting to find out who the real father is. They remain friends and Alex dotes on the little girl he calls his niece.

A twisted, drug-fuelled relationship with a third girl on tour results in her six-year-old son accidentally consuming ecstasy belonging to Alex while in his care. He saves his life after the child suffers a heart attack but the mother is understandably sickened and furious with Alex, refusing to let him see the boy ever again and cutting all contact with him.

Alex sleeps around even more to cope afterwards, including with fans of his band (never underage though), and is eventually diagnosed with Histronic Personality Disorder and sex addiction to go alongside his lifelong struggle with anxiety.

Lastly, Alex got together with John O’Callaghan in the summer three years ago. At first it was just sex but soon became more. At one point, John was struggling with the idea of falling in love with Alex, and broke up with him. The abandonment sent Alex into a downward spiral and he was taking more drugs than he ever had. He eventually overdosed by accident and ended up in hospital; John attempted to visit but to no avail. Days after being released, Alex overdosed again – this time, purposefully. The mixture of drugs in his system gave him a heart attack. Despite refusing rehab or therapy, Alex went on to make a full recovery these past few months, and he and John got back together whilst he was in hospital. They’ve been going steady for a while now, openly in love with each other, but Alex still struggles to fight his demons. His addictions still taunt him daily. His boyfriend doesn’t know his second overdose was an attempted suicide, either.

DETAILS

At aged fourteen, Alex got his first girlfriend, whom he lost his virginity to at fifteen, and that relationship went on to last until he was sixteen. They broke up due to feeling like they needed to explore new things – they were only young, after all.

At least, that was what they told everyone. And while it was partly true, their relationship had grown particularly strained after Alex got her pregnant recently after they turned sixteen. There was some debate about whether she should abort or not, and she ended up doing so without fully consulting Alex first. They had agreed to leave it for a weekend and think about what they both wanted, make a decision from there… but she went with her mother to the clinic and got the baby aborted on the Saturday afternoon. Her parents had always hated Alex, and her older brother thought he was bad news too. Alex was heartbroken, but he understood it was ultimately not his decision, and they would have struggled to handle a baby at their age anyway. Though, he couldn’t help but feel her parents had talked her into it to spite him, and the fact she’d went through with it was painful to think about. Even so, their relationship continued for a few more months after that, and only their parents ever knew about the pregnancy. Despite their relationship ending on a fairly mutual note, they didn’t keep in touch after high school.

Soon after the break-up, however, when Alex was just barely seventeen, he suffered an injury in gym class to his groin – hit in the balls by a baseball, something he would’ve laughed about, had it not been so serious. It rendered him infertile. There was little to no chance he would ever conceive a child. Alex was only young, but he’d always pictured himself being a dad someday. He was crushed to think that if his ex hadn’t aborted, he could have had his chance to be a father, before it was too late. His whole life would have been very different, but he could’ve had a kid. He kept that to himself though, too hurt to explain it to everyone – too much of a long story to spill to his friends that he’d gotten his girlfriend pregnant and hidden it from everyone. It wasn’t like he was in a relationship with anybody who wanted a child; he didn’t see any need to talk about it. Not even to his parents.

When Alex was eighteen, he met a girl a couple of years older than him, and she soon became a serious girlfriend of his, lasting until he was twenty-three. In that time, his band took off, he bought a house… he grew up. He and this second girlfriend had a mutual break-up upon realising they had no time for each other, with their careers both needing serious focus to stay afloat, but subsequently stayed firm friends. Secretly, Alex also wanted to lead more of a ‘rockstar’ lifestyle – it was only after this break-up that he became truly promiscuous.

Some time later, when home from tour, he went through a short period of hooking up with this ex. Her feelings for him began to resurface, but it was more than obvious Alex wasn’t looking to rekindle anything. Upset, she goes out drinking and has a drunken one-night stand with a nameless man in an attempt to feel better. Only after this does she realise she’s fallen pregnant. Unaware of Alex’s infertility, she was embarrassed and alone and scared. Convincing herself that even if the child was Alex’s, he wouldn’t be interested, she fabricated a lie for her friends and family about the father, telling them he was simply a man she’d been in the early stages of dating who didn’t want to know. She made her peace with never knowing if the daughter she gave birth to months later was fathered by Alex or her nameless hook-up. She and Alex stayed friends, and he didn’t think twice about the dates lining up, because why would that beautiful little girl be his?

When Alex was twenty-four, he entered a rather complex relationship with a single mother, her son only six years old at the time. She worked in the music industry and home-schooled him due to their sporadic travelling – his father had been out of the picture since he was very young, so she and her child were even closer than most mothers and sons.

This woman dabbled in drugs occasionally for recreational purposes – Alex understood it to be an escape for her. Their fling began when he shared his coke with her one night, finding there to be a connection, and not just because of their high. They slept together and it was the beginning of several long months of sex, drugs, and growing ever-closer to her and her son. The pair were a little more than friends-with-benefits, but never in love. Never ‘together.’ Neither could commit… through fear or just not wanting to. But Alex doted on her son and became a huge part of his life for a while. The three of them seemed to just amble along like a fake family. And it was actually quite lovely, for a time. Just what Alex needed, though it made him ache for a child of his own.

It was near perfect.

Until Alex fucked up.

Often, he would get high when she slept over and chose not to do it with him. She would sleep and he would snort. One night, he left out a small clear bag of his ecstasy pills, passing out in a stupor before he could store them safely; something he rarely forgot to do. Alex had promised to watch over her son that morning, as she had things to do, but Alex barely awake when the child arose. He got to the ecstasy pills before Alex even noticed they were still out – and subsequently had a heart attack.

It was only Alex’s quick reactions that saved the fitting child and got him to a hospital, but his mother was understandably not thankful for this.

She screamed at Alex that evening once her son was stable, tearing him apart for almost killing him, her baby, her whole world. Alex’s guilt was something that ‘consumed’ seemed too small a word to describe. He was completely heartbroken; he loved that boy, would never do a thing to intentionally hurt him.

The mother kept the story away from the press once popular music magazines caught snippets of why there had been ambulances on the tour, and Alex’s involvement in it was near enough erased. She didn’t want her child’s face and name plastered all over the internet, and she didn’t want a damn thing to do with Alex (or drugs) ever again. And a story like that would keep her forever tied to him. Hopeless Records got involved, helped she and Alex form a lie about some unknown person from the ensemble tour leaving drugs lying around (not on the All Time Low bus), to save Alex’s career and the band’s image, and keep his now ex-fling happy. She cut all contact and threatened Alex to stay away from her son, not even allowing the guilt-ridden man to say goodbye to the child he’d fallen in love with over her.

Alex entered a period of sleeping with anyone and everyone after the incident left him completely devastated. He had been promiscuous before, but this time, he was almost always drunk and/or high, and he wasn’t opposed to sleeping with fans. He lost count of the amount of All Time Low ‘groupies’ he fucked. They were never under-age, but he targeted them because they were often easier than seeking someone out in a bar after a show. It was too much effort for how depressed he was – he just wanted to fuck and forget. Rumours of it circulated the internet, but he ignored them, as did his record label, but none of it helped All Time Low’s image.

Slowly, though, that faded to black. He got a hold of himself again, though it took a while. He got better. As better as he could manage be. He totalled that he had slept with around a hundred-odd people in his lifetime, with the number increasing every time he felt too sad or just wanted a little fun.

Alex had suffered from anxiety his entire life, but was only after everything happened with the boy and his bouts of using sex to cover his emotions that Alex got diagnosed with something else – Histronic Personality Disorder (HPD). He was told it was on a more minor level, but he was still a sufferer, paired with a mild sex addiction. Read more about HPD here.

To this day, Alex struggles with everything that’s happened to him, but he tries not to let it swallow his life up. Sometimes he fails.

JOHN/ALEX HISTORY

In August of 2014, Alex began hooking up with The Maine frontman, John O’Callaghan. They grew closer over the following months, friendship blossoming when Alex went to stay in Arizona for a while that autumn, and then making their relationship official in February 2015 and announcing it to social media and their friends March 2015.

They helped each other. They healed each other.

Things were plain sailing until, that October, Alex finally admitted to John that he was in love with him. John panicked and left the house for several hours, returning to an upset Alex to say he loved him too. For Alex, the most blissful week of his entire life followed… until John sat him down, telling him things were too overwhelming, and that it didn’t feel right – he didn’t love him, and he felt they should spend some time apart. Crushed, Alex fell into a pit of depression. He tried to cover it with his old ways, partying and sex, but he was often drunk and never far from any sort of drug he could get his hands on. John had to watch from a distance as Alex slowly destroyed himself.

Finally, John realised he was in fact in love with Alex, but talking to him was impossible. Every time he tried, Alex was high, and talked nonsense until he grew hysterically upset. And in turn, John couldn’t handle that.

It was only when Alex took things too far and ended up in hospital on an overdose that John finally came to see him, but Alex screamed and got so upset that John thought it best he just leave again. Days after being released, Alex hadn’t learned his lesson. He overdosed again – purposefully this time. It resulted in a heart attack but he was taken to hospital a second time and now, months later, has went on to make a full recovery despite refusing therapy or rehab afterwards.

He never told John that he tried to kill himself with that second overdose. He didn’t think he needed to know. But Alex still battles his demons daily, despite finally going steady with John and getting his life a little more on track. His addictions taunt him. His fans and family and friends don’t know just how bad things were, either. They knew he had a bit of an addiction going on, knew that he’d went to hospital for taking it too far, but didn’t know it was a heart attack. Didn’t know he wanted to die that night. It was too upsetting – Alex didn’t see the need to let them all know.

He can’t give into everything though. He won’t. It would kill him for real this time.

the interview !!

*answer the first two questions ic or ooc! these do not have to have lengthy answers. a few sentences will do just fine!

how hard is your character trying to keep this a secret?: since alex has a variant of secrets… he very much wants all of them to stay on the down-low. but he would be most devastated if people knew just how much of a wreck he was in his personal life because he tries so hard to seem positive and like a good influence.

how would your character react if the secret got out to everyone?: he would be crushed, embarrassed, humiliated, angry… you name a negative emotion, he’d probably feel it. alex can be a dramatic boy at the best of times and he’s still kind of fragile so anything major could push him back towards the addictions that call to him so loudly.

are you okay with your character being talked about on the gossip blog?: yes!

the accounts !!

main blog: http://alxandr.tumblr.com/ hangouts account: f.oolslike@gmail.com sideblog: http://thornedboy.tumblr.com/

anything else?

the john o’callaghan reserve should be joining with me! alex and john have been in a long-term relationship for a while now. and thanks for reading over my app! also, i’m sorry if his secret sounds a bit disjointed/strangely written here and there, it’s been written and re-written for so many apps now, sometimes i miss things when i’m editing it!