#he was doing diddy shit to that woman wtf

[ebhutchins]

I thought the article was bad enough but HE RAPED SOMEONE IN FRONT OF HIS CHILD? MULTIPLE TIMES? MULTIPLE TIMES! EXPOSED HIS CHILD TO RAPE MULTIPLE TIMES!

ELECTRIC CHAIR. ELECTRIC CHAIR TODAY!

[buttacake80]

I think that Evander Kane is pushing for a reality show starring him and his family, I guess. He’s been very attention wh*ry this past year, and I also think that the oilers are helping him with this as they hope it will help him rehab his image which…..

I think it’s also why he was the only NHL player that attended the ESPYs like he’s such a fucking attention wh*re

Firstly that man is dead broke, knee deep in bankruptcy. I think he’s still regularly gambles, I honestly don’t know how he got out of that investigation I think there was some dodgy stuff going on because everyone was talking about it so I wonder if the Oilers struck a deal or something.

He also recently launched a wine company??? that’s like the first step for desperate money hungry reality stars do , also who’s buying his fucking wine like ewww he’s constantly putting his face on stuff and getting endorsements for weird ass companies. That’s just another sign that he’s dead fucking broke. Quite a few guys in the league do this during the off-season when they’ve blown through their money.

Also, him and Mara keep on doing these puff pieces for people, us weekly, MTV hello magazine and ect. Sometimes they’re the only recent articles written about NHL players in these “ magazines” he probably pays for them. They’re very clearly puff pieces with what money is my question ha ha ha.

After he signed that big contract with the oilers last year or something or this summer he did a paparazzi followed shopping spree on Rodeo Drive or the Grove. Like BFFR that money is going to his creditors and his lawyers.

Also, I really really don’t like Mara as well. I think she’s just as bad as pathetic as him but why did he only propose to her THIS September after Home wrecking his marriage and giving him three kids back to back she must have a humiliation K*nk or something. Also, if you believe the blinds which these ones in particular I do she is allegedly escort and that’s why they got back together because she’s pretty “highly paid” in that world and well he’s in massive amounts of debt.

I really side eye the oilers wags for being buddy buddy with Mara after all that shit about them is so incredibly public. How can you be Besties with a woman who still with a rapist a domestic abuse, a guy that admitted on tape before the birth of his daughter that he was imagining ways he would discipline her and fantasising about it. He is a very sick man and she is sick as well.

Also, if he does get a reality show, what do you think he’s gonna call it?

Keeping up with the kanes ? Welcome to oil country?

Sidenote Mara fucking hates living in Edmonton, you can tell she hates living in Canada she cannot wait to get out of there. I bet you she prays nightly that the kings trade for him or something which it’s never gonna happen because Kings got their players on tight leash.

A couple days ago, I was on lipstick alley and I come across this post defending KANE and diddy WTF

They were saying something along the lines of “ Anna Keynes unstable so clearly I think she’s lying about the diddy stuff because she lied about all the stuff with Evander”

First of all, she was forced to reveal her name in the lawsuit against diddy so she’s not doing for attention and then is also a photo of her at 17 sitting on diddy lap.

She’s far from perfect, but I think a lot of her behaviour is due to the amount of trauma she’s been through like that shit fuck with your brain

This is a read, anon.

[obsessive-aspie-girl]

Okay, idk if saying this is controversial or offensive in any way but like nobody around me UNDERSTANDS and I want to see if anyone like agrees or maybe even loves and does this too??

Okay so I'm guessing pretty much every person who is a fan of rap or just a rapper in general has heard of diss-tracks and everything (all the "beef" and back-and-forth) that goes with it, and probably have a favorite.

Maybe one person's cuz it's from their fave rapper (bit of a cop-out if its the only reason, but understandable), maybe another's cuz the flow is so good and the bars are savage af (probably the most common reason!), OR maybe you're like me:

If you're like me -- You adore the song/diss-track, in your eyes THIS diss was the song put an end to the "feud" and was better than it's competition, it ALSO happens to fit all the reasons listed above for why it is that great. But that is not why it's my favourite!

Before I tell you why, you need to know the song we are talking about, which is:

Killshot by Eminem

Yep! Em's reply to MGK's Rap Devil (which to be fair: not a bad song at all! very catchy! *nods* just not something you use against fucking eminem. either way he did pretty good so no hate here. plus from what I've seen he's been able to find a different, better-fitting niche/genre of music since this--so major kudos to him!), is my favorite for a variety of reasons---most of them normal like the one's listed above, or, if you want to ask, one's I can speak with you about!---but one big reason is rather unique (though maybe not??), and that would be: one particular (glorious) line + the reaction videos.

And it is these two things paired together that gets me. My reaction varies, sometimes I just laugh, sometimes I full-out fucking cackle in like borderline evil laughter, sometimes I'm laughing so hard I'm falling out of my bed or chair while rolling and wheezing, and I ADORE it.

(NOTE: This is the part I'm a more-than-a-little scared that I'll phrase wrong and offend people by trying to explain. There are so many "descriptive" words people say are and aren't offensive these days that I get so confused and that's only partly my autism I think the rest is just normal human confusion. So, if I use the wrong words, or say the wrong things or if this is just offensive period, tell me, I want to know and I want to learn.)

It can't just be any video though, to illicit this response! It has to be a REACTION video for one, and a first time listen. The better reactions come from men listening to the song, for some reason. The BEST reactions come from black men listening to the song, especially older black men who know all about what was going on in the rap world back when we were all either toddlers, infants, in-utero, or nonexistent, because they catch the line I'm about to tell you and Dear LORD do they REACT.

This line is, of course:

"But Kells the day you put out a hit is the day Diddy admits he put out the hit that got 'Pac killed,"

I have watched like a hundred reaction videos for this song at this point. The less fun ones (but still good! Cuz some people don't even catch the line! Like, wtf???) just look shocked, play it back a couple times, or say some variation of "He said what now??!?" The really fun ones (which im gonna try to list some of their YT names(? pages? handles? tf they called? what is wrong with me???) that I like rewatch, scream or even shriek upon hearing the line. There's a LOT of (very hilarious) vehement claims of not being able to handle this and leaving the room. Lots of stunned silences and cussing--in the same video. Really, just TONS of glorious content. Plus, of course, everyone laughs, (sometimes kind-of hysterically) at the songs ending, "Oh, and I'm just playing Diddy. You know I love you," always, everytime.

But yeah that's why it's my favorite and I wanted to share it and see if anyone else did the same? Or wanted to start?

(2ND NOTE: This isn't to say that a man or a woman of any race/ethnicity couldn't or haven't put out a Killshot reaction video that is not only worth watching, but also knows all this background info and therefore catches all these "hidden" (and not so hidden) twists in Em's lyrics -- and therefore reacts in a way that I enjoy or makes me laugh until I cry. They have, its just not really as common.)

If you were curious about possible recommendations for Killshot reactions:

ScriptWorks - Theirs is probably my absolute favorite reaction, they take the time to explain shit that we (read: I) are simply not old enough to know/understand and are entertaining af. Also, if I remember correctly their video is the reaction that started it all, lol. It might also be one of the walk-out ones lol. (Their walk-out reactions are always so funny, for instance: their reaction to ERB: MJ vs. Elvis -- fucking hilarious.)

No Life Shaq - I laughed the entire fucking time. When I say walk-outs I usually mean out of the view of the camera -- if his camera didn't show his whole room he would have like 10, with every one as hilarious as the last. However even with the wide view of the camera, he is one of my beloved Reaction-ers who were like "NOPE! NO." and walked the fuck out leaving me cackling.

Lael Hansen - always good if you want a good hip-hop or rap review or reaction! I loved her Killshot reaction, she knew what was coming and did not disappoint!

LawTWINZ - Pretty sure Em drove these two to drinking, lol. Their reaction made me laugh so hard. At first I though it was another walk-out... Nope! More like they had been shot at or something. Very much worth watching!

There are many more, but those are the main ones! Enjoy!

[attackofthezee]

WHERE THE HEART IS HAS OVER 100 KUDOS!!!! (I realize that for some people a hundred and some odd kudos in a day and a half isn’t actually that much but for me IT FEELS LIKE A LOT OKAY)

So in honor of that, here have some random notes I have on Where The Heart Is (that got super overblown and long and I’m SORRY.)

-It was originally just a Steve POV and meant to be about Bucky Barnes finding himself again seen through Steve’s point of view. Clearly, that is not what happened and it ended up being the little diddy that it is with both their povs very present. I’m REALLY happy it turned out that way because Bucky’s parts are probably some of my favorites.

-Tbqh if there was ever an AU of this AU it’d be one where Peggy Carter gets involved and Steve gets to be the very happy filling in the middle of a super soldier sandwich.

-Originally, way back when I started this thing I was just going to handwave away the whole There Was No Steve To Be Captain America Thing and then Captain America’s 75th anniversary was a thing and Marvel games division came out with a bunch of Cap variants. Marvel Puzzle Quest did Peggy as Captain America and I WAS HOOKED. I was suddenly desperate for like eight million fanfics that featured Peggy Carter as Cap and so it kinda became a thing here.

-Agent Peggy Carter became Cap after the dumb fuck they’d picked for it went and got himself shot. She was essentially like “Your other options are morons, I’m doing it.” and Doctor Erskine was like “A good man is better than a good soldier, and a good woman is better than a good man” and Howard was like 7000% too terrified of Peg to question it. It ended like it did in the movies with Erskine dying, cause ofc it did I’m not getting that creative here. Then the brass came and was like “wtf. this wasn’t The Plan.” and Peg was like “Yep, sucks for you, but I’m what you’ve got so suck it up buttercup.” Except, like, she said it a lot classier, but the MEANING was the same. (except maybe she wasn’t any classier. Maybe she was just genuinely like “I’m sorry to disappoint gentleman, but I’m your only option so I suggest you suck it up and deal with it.” and then rolled the fuck out of there like  

-They sent her on tour, marketed her like some overblown Rosie The Riveter type, had her dance with USO girls and sell bonds and film some bullshit about A Woman’s Role In The War. Then they made the mistake of shipping her to the front to ‘build morale’ which is where shit went ENTIRELY off the rails. Peggy lasted even less time than Steve Rogers did before blowing off the whole tour thing and going off to raid nazi prison camps.

-Peggy picked up Bucky and the Howlies somewhere along the way and after attempting to get Bucky to actually take the honorable discharge the brass was offering him got soundly told that “Nah, I think following Captain America all up and down the front sounds a helluva lot more fun than going back to my shithole in Brooklynn.”

-Peggy 500% started the break in Bucky’s Winter Soldier protocol by calling him an idiot and hitting him upside the head with a steel beam because her and Nat whole heartedly believe in “cognitive recalibration” via blunt force head trauma.

-No one ever really connects Bucky to the Winter Soldier thing, or to the fact that he looks uncannily like one Sargent James Buchanan Barnes. People, for the most part, would never think a dead dude from the 40s could come back to life as Noah ‘Call Me Bucky’ Koppelman, the man who spends 20 minutes getting the perfect shot of his food for instagram before he can eat it, who looks so Perpetually Frazzled Millennial it hurts in his yoga pants and slouchy sweatshirts and man buns.

-Bucky never actually wipes out HYDRA, because they’re like cockroaches and can apparently never be killed completely, but he does eventually decide he’s gotten enough revenge and drags Steve out traveling. He absolutely forces Steve to let Bucky take cheesy pictures of him in front of important landmarks and beautiful views.

-In Death Valley somewhere they run across a HYDRA base and Bucky looks a little like >.> <.< ^_^?????? and Steve is just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. So raiding and taking down some shitty HYDRA outpost in the middle of the fucking desert while on vacation becomes a nice little pit stop and also the reason Steve has to realize that watching his boyfriend mowing down nazis makes him feel Some Kinda Way.

-They come across like 5 more HYDRA clusters before Steve just starts accounting for it when packing their shit for vacations. Toothbrushes, check. Socks and underwear, check. Passports, check. Tac gear, guns, plenty of ammo. Check, check, and check.

[rennyji]

July 13th tweets...

July 13th tweets...

So I like all music that sounds good. From Rap to Becky G singing her song “Shower.”

Now, regarding Rap, some of the wording can make things awkward. I was blasting 99 problems remix from Jay Z feat Linkin Park. While listening, I’m at a red light in Tuckahoe. An elderly Caucasian woman walks across the street in front of my car, and Jay Z yells, “Ive got 99 problems but a b*tch ain’t one…” I can only imagine what goes through that old lady’s mind.

now from jay z’s perspective, in what older white men would call street language, when you think about it, from that one line, hes saying he has a slew of problems, but he’s so good or suave with women that, that part of his life is set…so in the spirit of expressions among some men like: “b*tches be trippin…” , it’s a crude way of referring to women for the sake of what is understood and accepted as cool.

Regardless,”99 problems” and the Linkin park remix really stimulate you or is invigorating. So it’s hard not to listen to it for the yelling and the tunes.

Then there’s DMX, God bless his soul.

While he sings”X Gon give it to ya” or even “Lord Give Me A Sign”,he also sings a song (I forget the name…oh yeah…it’s called “X is Coming” by DMX), where one of the lyrics is about how someone crossed him, pushes him, and how he lets his rage and anger manifest in threats. How does he express this? Well for one thing, he says he’ll shoot this guys wife…ummm ok. But then he says, if the guy who messed with him, has a daughter, and she’s 15 (he specifically mentions her as 15), DMX says, he, a grown man, will rape the 15 year old daughter. I mean WTF?! But maybe like poetry, you can’t take it literally, and you gotta see “what he means” or “where this hate?! Is coming from.” To rape a 15 year old daughter, words can’t express his hate for the dad or the offender, so he chooses those words.

“Hes basically saying, if you f*k with him, he won’t stop short of killing you. But he wants to take it a step further and say he is so spiteful, that he will screw you and ur entire family. Point being, don’t f*k with him.”

Even then, though I get where he’s going with lyrics, isn’t raping a 15 year old, pedophilia? Where there’s a Will, there’s a way, and there’s always more than one way to do something or say something. If he wants to express hate, why is this grown man talking that way about 15 year old girls?! I felt awkward with the elderly white woman walking in front of my car at Jay Z saying, I got 99 problems, but a b*tch ain’t one. It would be humiliating if that elderly white woman walked by my car while DMX expresses his hate toward haters, by talking about raping 15 year olds. I mean geez, WTF?! On a comical note, based on “what’s” said and “how” it’s said, theres the song “Last Night”by Diddy and Keyshia Cole. You gotta wonder how Keyshia Cole goes along with Diddy monologuing at the end of the song with :

“

Hello

Hey what's up?

I've been tryin' to reach you all night

That shit ain't funny not picking up the mutha fuckin' phone

Better stop fucking playing with a n*gga's feelings like that

You know how much I love you though right?

But for those couple of seconds though,

When I couldn't get in touch with you.

I'm ready to come over your house and shoot that mutha fucker up

You fuckin' dumb bitch

You better fuckin' not be there when I get over that house

[laughing]

That's really how it goes down right?”

Then there’s rap like from the artist, “Nas.” He has a song called “I can.” 

It’s inspirational, it has a message, the tune or background music just needs to be catchier. 

These rap songs need catchier, classier, diction along with trending or catchy tunes/music.

---

And then there’s Eminem, with “The Way I Am” song.

Part of the lyrics go:

“I don't know you, and no, I don't owe you a mothafuckin' thing

I'm not Mr. N'Sync, I'm not what your friends think

I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick if you tempt me

My tank is on empty, no patience is in me

And if you offend me, I'm lifting you ten feet in the air

I don't care who was there and who saw me just jaw you

Go call you a lawyer, file you a lawsuit

I'll smile in the courtroom and buy you a wardrobe

I'm tired of all you, I don't mean to be mean

But that's all I can be, it's just me

And I am whatever you say I am

If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?

In the paper, the news, every day I am

Radio won't even play my jam

'Cause I am whatever you say I am

If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?

In the paper, the news, every day I am, huh

I don't know, it's just the way I am”

While I’m about networking, by my core nature of a Libran (only inanimate object in the zodiac: the scales of justice), while I’m about people coming to me, talking to me, me talking to them, I hear this song and wonder about instances where the orchestrators filter what I’m saying or use it for their ends. I think about the instructions given to people under the delusion of “wtf?!” Assisting me?! Did anyone think of talking to me and telling me what’s going on, instead of the signs in a delusional scenario that is the definition of conspiracies and leaning toward what some doctors would see as paranoid schizophrenia?! I mean WTF?!  So there’s that part about not owing anything to anyone. If ur just a stranger randomly eavesdropping into my life, then until you speak to me, I don’t know you, I’m not ur friend NOR ur enemy- I mean that’s reality, that’s what the song gets at, that’s how human relationships start out.

I’m writing this, not because I’m presently mad, but because I’m relating to words in a rap song by, a somebody: Eminem. I’m nobody, minding his own business. They blame Eminem for being mean or aggressive with lyrics. But in my “situation” and adult years, I see a guy talking about dealings with human nature, while trying to fix things with his wife, and do everything he can for his daughter. Ive said before, anger can be a source of fuel for ur goals or to get a point across. I mean, under this retarded “make him a role model type hero cr*p, for the no culture or no British style class that is America”, the orchestrators like to press my buttons. The extent they go with pushing buttons is -I’m not just saying this- a type of evil that the mind just can’t digest or grasp.  That’s a bit of info my brain cannot process, grasp, or comprehend. There’s something worse than the teenage type sounds projected or whatever it is that others hear- I keep saying that.

But it’s like Gospel, they have eyes, but don’t see, ears: and don’t hear…

the orchestrators you know about, are so arrogant with thinking they control every aspect of my life, they need to consider where they’re not. They push me, and like Eminem’s rap, “push me/tempt me, then I’m lifting you ten feet in the air…”

I went for the path of computer science and engineering instead of being a doctor like my brother. I would joke to people ages ago, “I don’t have the ‘patience’ to deal with ‘patients.’ ” People are so complicated…language difficulties, talking to non native English speakers, cultural differences,filters they have in their heads/biases, stereotypes they believe in- I mean what a headache. The orchestrators have people believing I’m friendless loser, while they actively keep people away from me. But in the words of Eminem, whatever f*ers, “I am whatever you say I am…”

---

In “Gangstas paradise” by Coolio, there’s one part of the song that goes “you don’t know what’s going on in the kitchen…” it’s incredible what speaks to you in ur adult years…cuz clearly I’m thug…I mean even with all the mind cr*p and technology, not because of ego or arrogance or pride, you and the orchestrators don’t know what’s truly going on in my head, in my house, wherever.

Like rap, I am the meaning behind the lyrics.

---

From The original Hulk/1st ever version of the Hulk movie soundtrack, great themes or scores. Also a great song called “set me free”

“Hey Mama” - one of my favorite songs from Nicki Minaj to blast out while driving…

Great Running music - “Confident” - I think by Demi Lovato … another song of hers that I like “Really Don’t Care”: like that part of the song with the words and background music to “even if the stars and moon collide…”

I miss Beyoncé in Destiny’s Child with songs like “Survivor” … I feel it gets the same point across as DMX’s “X is Coming” without some of the questionable ideas in his lyrics…

---

Haiku Asian Bistro in Bronxville lets you eat a quality variety of East Asian food in a New York City feel…about the NYC feel, I dunno, sitting by the window, watching the traffic of people walk by, along with cars, through those windows, in that bar type low light setting: make you feel or made me feel like I’m in a restaurant in the city…going on a 2 month diet as I’m hideously obese, so while I miss and crave sesame chicken with fried rice, I hope you enjoy quality food as such…

Speaking of which…my family and me got used to sesame chicken over general Tsos chicken, when craving Chinese…I feel everyone in America, including my New York and Texas based cousins, always order General Tso Chicken over Sesame Chicken…I mean why?! Who started that trend?! Though essentially the same, I prefer and am an advocate of Sesame Chicken.

---

Though I’m obsessed with leaving the AC on all day/everyday because of the cool energizing air and the sound of the breeze type air blow, I recently found that my TaoTronics standing tower fan isn’t a bad alternative. I think I have the TaoTronics desk lamp too. I believe I have their standing tower heater but just didn’t have the motivation or energy to try it out…probably as awesome as the desk light and fan…I’m thinking, from my own experience, TaoTronics, and a lot of Asian made products are good stuff or sourced in great ideas. With some of the products I’ve run into recently, what I’m realizing is this:

China now has some great ideas and products, but sometimes you have to return or exchange those awesome ideas because some things were manufactured differently or as defective. Maybe they don’t have the money for better manufacturing plants…I think people should invest there. I mean they have some great ideas and technology for compression massagers for just about everywhere in your body.

Now proud Americans may not like this, as well as what I’ll say next: with the products I’ve encountered recently, America gives off the feel or notion that everything is manufactured identically and the places where things are manufactured are quality factories…but here’s the part probably not liked: from my searches on Amazon, it would seem America lacks the ideas , or innovation, or imagination, that the Chinese are indicating in their products and technology-I mean check out the head massager helmet from Breo. Helps with falling asleep. It’s from a Chinese manufacturer and looks futuristic and the concept works. My only complaint about it was, I had to go through 4 returns, before getting a helmet that was free of manufacturing defects (i.e. some you couldn’t see thru the helmet, some had a part moving inside when moving the helmet up and down, some overheated on one side of the heated helmet while the opposite side was left cold, etc.). It’s like Doc Browns attitude in Back to the Future. With respect to something not looking like it works, 1950s Doc Brown says “no wonder…it’s made in Japan.” Marty McFly responds, “watiya talking about Doc?!…all the best things are made in Japan.” People may feel like Doc Brown about Chinese products right now, but the hard work and imagination of the Chinese will find themselves in Marty’s way of seeing things. I mean these people, be it Chinese, Korean, all East Asian born Asians, tackle every nook and crannie in their hard work. They need opportunities. Not so sure about the ABC’s or the American born East Asians, but those born in Asia and immigrating here, at least people Ive bumped into (as I’m not gonna generalize), they really give their jobs 110%. (To my fellow ABC’s, by Indian standards, I’m an A-B-C-“D” or American Born Confused Desi, so nothing malicious intended, its just in admiration over our immigrant counterparts. They are the living definitions of the “immigrant work ethic.”). I recently went for a men’s pedicure after seeing Will Smith talk about it on an episode of the fresh prince of bel air. The woman who attended to me was Chinese and I just couldn’t help but notice how much detail and energy she puts into the task. I also once had a Chinese masseuse. I was sore all over and wanted to try the “firm” massage. Ive never experienced so much effort, force, and energy. It makes you want to friend people like that. Pride aside, I think a lot can be learned from their discipline, hard work, imagination, and ideas. 

But a thought…

---

So, in my search for non coffee based sources of energy that last long and don’t make you crash, I found things like “Kion Coffee,” Trader Joe’s “Well Rested Tea” (as it turns out Trader Joe’s sells its own interesting varieties of teas), the $4.99 or $3.99 “Rebbl”brand Plant  Based Energy and/or Protein Drinks, and the $2.99 version of Smart Water Renew. Smart Water Renew is composed of dandelions (yeah, freakin’ dandelions give energy!!!) and lemon flavor. But it is ridiculously expensive for one bottle and isn’t available at Shop Rite. I found it at Wegmans in - I think- Harrison, NY, through the InstaCart app. As dandelions seem to be the key, I typed dandelion in the Amazon app, and realize there is a dandelion tea…I hope it gives the same focus as the Smart Water Renew…I mean the tea you can buy in bulk…why are the healthy coffee alternatives expensive?!-I’m assuming it’s because people don’t know about these things and not enough people buy them…

---

Perhaps u’ve heard, “Why worry about tomorrow, when each day has its own concerns.” It’s said, look how God clothes the flowers of the field-that not even King Solomon, in all his splendor, was dressed so beautifully. Are we not more than flowers?!, as is asked. My grandmother would say, when career concerns were expressed, that if God made a person with a mouth, He will also give every mouth created, food to eat-to elaborate: everyone is provided for. I mean “Seek and you will find.” Put in some effort, however so, at least through a prayer or a hopeful/positive thought. I believe everyone, in life, gets what they need, for all that their respective lives throw at them.

Some people may have more things in appearance, but you may have less because you’re that much innately stronger and don’t require as much. While I’m no one, as a small example, since I was in Kindergarten, I could never sit comfortably with my legs folded. The position in yoga is called sukhasana. As a need grew, when I was older, to sit in that position for yoga and meditation, I feel life led me to find the “Alexia Meditation seat” and the means to buy that expensive seat, enabling me to sit long hours with my legs folded. I feel, if we have some faith and do our part, God or The Universe, will provide for us and take care of our needs/desires through direct means, or indirectly, by giving us the needed mental faculties and abilities to achieve our desires.

---

[cerastes]

Sir Percival Is Very Nice And Disconcertingly Gullible Part 1

HELLO citizens. Today, I want to share with you the story of a certain Knight of the Round Table who knows how to maneuver his foot around people’s asses, looks like a prim and proper lady in a skirt, and also doesn’t know what a penis is. I am talking about the one and only Sir Percival. But before Sir Percival was a Sir or Percival, he was a lady, a cute girl, an adorable toddler. No, there’s no magic involved, no magic transformation, it’s just that he was raised as a girl (culturally speaking, in relation to the time) by his mother, and he never really questioned it, because to question things, you need life experience, and you get more life experience from cleaning dirty fingernails than you do cooped up in a caslte. Oh yeah, by the way, his mother kept him cooped in a castle and he was ffffffforbidden from ever leaving it. Also, I’ll have to split this in parts because it is TOO LONG.

LET’S ELABORATE: Percival was the prince of certain lands, and his father was either King Pellinore or Alain le Gros, and in either case, the father is a celebrated warrior. Point is, Percival is of noble lineage and the son of a warrior king, which of course means he has superpowers, because this is Arthurian mythos. Regardless of who his father was, he also had at least four siblings, all four of them Knights of the Round Table. Now this is the part where you expect his family to be proud of how many fine warriors it has produced. Except you are WRONG, because my man’s mother was actually Not Too Happy With The Family Business, so when Percival was born, Mom, who is unnamed because being a woman in Arthurian mythos sucks because you either die or are a huge asshole, said “mmMMMM NO” and raised Percival away from everything that could be considered “manly” back in the day (read: knights) and without letting him ever learn of dangerous stuff like “swords” or “holy grails”. Accounts vary whether Mom took Percival and his sister away from their castle and to live in the forest or if she simply raised Percival in the castle proper, but for all intents and purposes, what matters here is that Percival looks better than you and I in a dress, can knit a fierce sweater, weaves the meanest baskets, and can sew a whole dress from the ground up using only dirty curtains and positive thoughts.

So Mom, Sister, and Percival are having fun, living a soft and cute life, when SUDDENLY, knights appear. Mom was busy watching Star Trek reruns and this distracted her long enough for Percival to notice them and ask “MOM HOLY FUCK WHAT ARE THOSE METAL DUDES”. Mom realized too late that He Had Been Exposed, so she acted fast on her feet and said “Ah, Percy, those are... Angels. They are servants of God, so don’t look at them too much, because you see them when you die or when you are close to something that could result in your death!”, so the first thing Percival does is ask his sister if she can tie a sturdy noose, nice and cozy, so he can hang himself immediately to become an angel, they look SO COOL, and his sister, with all the delicacy of a car accident, shuts him the fuck up and asks him to stop being a weirdo for one second.

Since his UNCOOPERATIVE family was made of unreasonable asses out of nowhere, P-Diddy sneaks out of the castle (which is also the first time he ever gets out of that castle WOW LOCKING YOUR KIDS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA) and approaches the angels, trying to not be seen by them because he doesn’t want to die, but during his Sneaking Operation, he steps on the loudest,most scandalous tree branch in history and mythos because it lets out a CRRRRRCCCKKK SO FUCKING LOUD the knights’ horses go apeshit, one of them kicks a knight in the face, and another straight up runs into a river and drowns, which makes you think what in the fuck are these horses on the field of duty for if a kid in a dress can scare them into Escort Mission AI-levels of idiocy. Well, that aside, the knights obviously freak the fuck out and are like “WOAH HEY WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT STOP!” which quickly turns into “WHY ARE YOU WEARING A DRESS!” and honestly, Parsee was kinda weirded out because angels are supposed to be more solemn than this, and definitely not as loud. P-kun voices these concerns, and the knights have themselves a gigglesnort, quickly and politely explaining that they are knights, not angels, and that yelling, questioning, and killing was part of their job. Then they explained it was a lie, because they never ask questions, only yell and kill, which you guys and gals at home probably think is just me making a joke, except Knights of the Round Table killed each other a SHITLOAD of times simply because they didn’t know who the other guy was, because there was this understanding, this covenant back in the day where, if you were a knight and the other guy was a knight and yelling was involved, as it usually is in the field of battle, you most likely were enemies and had to murder each other, and apparently no one fucking recognized each others’ armor or anything.

What I am trying to say is that people in Arthurian mythos are MORONIC BRUTES and that Britain is a PvP-enabled zone, which is why shit like Camlann happens.

Anyways.

Percival was apparently pretty ok with these metal dudes being professional loud murderers because he immediately asks if he can become a professional loud murderer, but he gets turned away because he is still a kid at this point, and kids can’t be knights, BUT, as soon as his hormones start going nuts and awkward, solitary strands of hair start growing on his moles and around his nipples, he’s old enough to become a knight. He’s content enough with this answer, and so he heads home and gets turbo-grounded the moment his mom catches him. In the process of being turbo-grounded, Percy let out to his mom that he wanted to become a knight, which turned this into an ultra mega turbo grounding instead because he said The Forbidden Word and now Mom’s angry.

Even being his mom and everything, however, Mom knew she couldn’t really oppose the wishes of his son like this, so what did she do instead? What every normal person in a front of a situation that requires cooperation from both ends and that demands maturity and sensibility would do: Lie.

She outright kept telling Percival that he was still 12 years old, even as the years passed. More concerning is the fact that P-kun didn’t question this at all. Well, whatever floats your boat, weirdo Arthurian family.

Percival turns 17 or 18 years of age, depending on the source, which is the age where kids are considered men and can thusly start screaming and killing [for honor], but he is still convinced he is 12 years old because Mom Sucks. All is well as usual in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber Castle WHEN SUDDENLY, a knight appears, except this one is a BAD KNIGHT, his first thought upon seeing the castle was “my, what a NICE and GORGEOUS door, I bet ramming it down and raping whatever girl I find inside would make this an even better day! : )“ so he gets to work and, sure enough, just solo-decimates the entire castle door and is getting ready to Bad Touch Mom and Sister when Percival, now no longer a kid, but rather, a powerfully built, ripped, 24 pack abs superwarrior (remember what I told you about lineage and mythos?) appears before him all like “hey can you maybe not do that shit to my family? It is rude”.

The Bad Knight takes one look at this body building champion, and lets out a “WHY ARE YOU WEARING A DRESS”. Ah, yeah, Percy was still wearing the dress. So the Bad Knight is kinda laughing because this kid, he can be SSJ Broly all he wants, he’s still in a dress. The laughing, however, ceases immediately when Percival grabs the dude, who is encased in armor and that knocked down the castle door all by himself, and just sorta casually throws him past the castle walls and breaks his entire body. Again, Percival, who never has trained his muscles in any way or learned anything more violent than embroidery, just gave this dude the So Long Gay Bowser throw from Mario 64, from the courtyard, launching him ABOVE the castle walls, and right into the ground outside. That huge “CRASH BOOM!” you heard just now was not the knight falling down, it was his self-esteem crashing after having a kid in a dress ragdoll him. No, wait, no, never mind, it was his body, because DEAD PEOPLE can’t feel shit.

“so, uh, mom” “no” “I just threw a fully armored man” “nope” “I think uh” “nu uh” “I might be an adult” “Grounded”

So P-kun is grounded, fine, and more time passes, when SUDDENLY, a cockatrice attacked the castle. Now, what is a cockatrice? It’s a two-legged serpent with a rooster’s head, and it kills you by looking at you and petrifying you. Basically, a gorgon with a funny hat. Sometimes, because the “petrifying” bit is something of a conjecture by latter authors or analyzers of mythology. The cockatrice actually just kinda sorta outright killed you when it looked at you. So this thing is wreaking havoc in the Censorship Castle, shooting rude glares and crying loudly in the morning, and this Deeply Annoys Percival. The young man simply walks out, uproots a whole a tree, as you normally do, and swats the cockatrice with a flick, sending it DBZ-style flying against the nearest wall. When he saw THAT didn’t kill the very confused monster, Percival, with his bare fucking hands, rips the tree he uprooted into a thinner form by legit ripping the bark layer by layer with his unreasonable strength, fashioning a spear with the tree by doing this (what the wtf?) and using that to stab the shit out of the cockatrice, who probably was already dead as fuck the moment it saw this dude just outright manhandling the tree and turning it into a spear with his bare hands.

“mom” “no” “mom I just uprooted a tree and killed an instakill monster with it’’ “NO’’ “I’m no scientist because those still don’t exist but I am pretty sure I am an adult now” “no sweetie that was just a stray dog” “mom I know dogs and that wasn’t a dog. No dog of ours ever shot laser beams out of its eyes or looked like a dragon wearing a chicken hat” “it’s a breed that comes from Scotland” “MOM”

So Percival more or less has enough of Mom’s shit, and finally gets her blessing to leave the castle. Immediately afterward, Mom dies. Because being female in Arthurian mythos means you ei-- Oh, I already made that one. Well, yeah, there you go. Also the sister also died. But Percival is on his way to become a knight!

What exciting adventures are in store for Percival? Stay tuned for PART 2, in which Percival enters a dysfunctional relationship, makes bad business decisions, and headbutts Sir Lancelot du Lac right in the face, and yes, this is all shit that happens on the exciting Road To Knighthood.