#he wants his fear of abandonment to be fulfilled but is terrified of it actually happening... because he's finally found his home

[cumberbatchedandproud]

OP tags: #my man desperately wants to be seen and to stay invisible. he never wants to experience love but also wants to be held tightly #he wants his fear of abandonment to be fulfilled but is terrified of it actually happening... because he's finally found his home #he wants solitude and a life of love and family and laughter and joy #he wants. he wants. HE WANTS sooo much but doesn't know how to process it all #or how to ask for it #han juwon #han joo won

Han Joo Won: I am changing for the better (A scrapbook of Joo Won's intricacies and fallacies, contradictions and truths, hopes and desires).

credit: Beyond Evil, episode 6 / quote - unknown / Beyond Evil, episode 1 / Beyond Evil, episode 9 / Letters To Milena - Franz Kafka / Beyond Evil, episode 9 / My Years of Rest and Relaxation - Ottessa Moshfegh / My Year of Rest and Relaxation - Ottessa Moshfegh / quote - Emily Palermo / Beyond Evil, episode 13 / Girls That Never Die - Safia Elhillo / Beyond Evil, episode 15 / Beyond Evil, episode 5 / Mastermind by Taylor Swift / Beyond Evil, episode 3 / The Waves - Virginia Woolf / Beyond Evil, episode 10 / quote - Sylvia Plath / Beyond Evil, episode 15 / Beyond Evil, episode 9 / Haif-light: Collected Poems 1965-2016; 'The Third Hour of the Night - Frank Bidart / Beyond Evil, episode 15 / Beyond Evil, episode 13 / Red, White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston / Beyond Evil, episode 16 / Catalog of Unabashed Gratitude - Ross Gay / Beyond Evil, episode 16 / Beyond Evil, episode 1 / September Affirmation (Don’t Be Afraid) by Keaton St. James / Beyond Evil, episode 16

[needleanddead]

for the ask game: break, desire, fear, and skin with cass and/or teddy!

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

Cass has hit this point already. Losing his eye and the way it changed his vision and the fear that the only thing people cared about him for - his talent - was gone forever. None of his family came to the hospital to see him, nor did they acknowledge what had happened. He became maudlin and self-destructive and drank even more than he did before. He was a very unhappy young man.

Teddy, to be utterly broken, would need to be . . . rejected by everyone he cares about. Told he is as bitter and angry as his father. Abandoned by everyone. He would get angry about it. He would get bitter. He has never done it before, and he would hate himself for it - but the capacity is there.

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

Teddy wants to be loved, for exactly who he is - to be successful and adored. He’s pretty open about it; it’s a simple desire, all things considered.

Cass wants to leave behind a legacy in the form of his art; find that perfect muse and be venerated for centuries to come for his genius. Unfortunately, he is also open about it; he has no shame. He would do anything - and, really, has.

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

Teddy is afraid that everyone around him is pretending to like him. That he will end up alone. When confronted with it, he panics; gets wild-eyed and begins to babble. He’s terrified of it. He would never say it out loud, though; he doesn’t want to guilt trip people.

Cass is afraid of what’s waiting for him when he dies and the demon who his pact is with comes to collect on his soul. He confronts this himself by being extremely weird when he comes across immortals, and also by pretending he actually does not care a jot. He thinks being afraid of something would ruin his Cool Debonair Air.

skin: How comfortable is your OC in their skin? Do they grapple with anything that lives inside them—a beast, a curse, a failure, a monster? How do they face the smallest, weakest, most horrible version of themself? Are they able to acknowledge it at all?

Physically, Teddy is comfortable in his skin; he likes his face, his body . . . but that bitter little voice inside him gnaws at him. What if he does turn out like his father? What if he has that capacity for bitter small mindedness? He can’t quite say it out loud, but . . . it’s there.

Cass is grappling with a thousand things. The demons literally hitching a ride in his eye socket, the fear he too has of becoming like his father, the fear of not leaving behind his legacy, the truth of what will happen when he dies, the childhood trauma—

But he will not acknowledge that. He’ll cover it, instead, with bluster and arrogance. It’s so much easier that way.

At least he knows he’s handsome.

[ragsy]

fear for sir dillion, desire for mark, hate for arji, secret for everyone you're inclined to answer for :3c

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

Despite Sir Dillion's sworn duty as a warrior and a protector, he is TERRIFIED of warfare. The (first) and last time he encountered it, he fled. Despite that being a perfectly reasonable response to the face of war, he's deeply ashamed of his (in)actions. But, he's met a certain tiefling recently who has helped him ease that burden!

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

Mark is sharply split between two desires. On one hand: he just wants to be Normal* and live a life free from judgement (bestie the judgement is coming from inside the you). He wants to go back to the relative safety and control of his upbringing in white American middle class suburbia, he wants to cure his dogman curse and go back to being a regular human, get a stable job, find a partner, fix his maladaptive coping mechanisms, and forget this whole thing happened. Attainable? Probably not.

On the other hand, he wants to abandon his humanity and just go fucking dog feral. Leave behind everything and everyone he knows, abandon his car on the side of the highway, walk into the woods, and never be seen again. He's a dog monster, this is a perfectly attainable goal for him! And that terrifies him!

hate: What does your OC hate? Why? How do they act towards the object of their hatred?

Arji hates liars, cheats, and thieves. If someone is willing to exploit another for their own gain, they're automatically on his shit list. Now, he never actually *does* anything with his shit list, since he's far too inclined towards unconditional kindness, but he'll stare at them unapprovingly with his big wet eyes. And they'll know.

secret: What's one secret your OC never wants anyone to know about them?

Sir Dillion: He is so, so so scared right now and he just wants someone to hold him

Mark: He really hates every dog stereotype he lives up to, but god, the urge to chase squirrels across traffic is SO real

Arji: He wishes he had accepted that deity's offer to wipe his memory and go back to where he started before the adventure began. It's what his friends chose, and he's the only one who remembers them. Also HE took the last biscuit from the rations bag and the guilt is tearing him apart

[lightlycareless]

CHAPTER 34 HAS ME RUNNING IN CIRCLES CLAWING AT THE WALLS LOSING MY MIND,,, HELLO?? HELLO??? naoya just absolutely losing his mind writhing in emotional pain,, incredible stuff i agree w the staff. it is exactly like a car crash and i can not take my eyes away. hes so cringefail mariya. girlbossing standing in between the two of them... very strong of her. i talk a lot of shit abt naoya but i hate conflict and i'd probably start shaking and crying if i had to deal with him so mariya being able to just put herself right in the middle of all that and act totally normal about it is VERY impressive. props to y/n too for acting so normally too-- either that or naoyas just extremely oblivious to body language and emotional cues and doesn't notice them freaking the fuck out. 50/50

naoya detective arc,,,, it would be charming of him if he weren't so deranged. in fact its KINDA terrifying how incredibly focused and driven he was to figure everything out no matter how far back he had to trace it. like-- it'd be INSANELY hard to hide anything from him unless absolutely everyone involved in it was able to be IN on it and know how to keep up a lie to him. kinda fucked!

tho on the detective arc part-- it makes perfect sense for HIS deranged ass to immediately jump to the worst conclusion that y/n lied to him, despite the fact i imagine its still possible the package could've been stolen from inside the estate by one of the staff? as in, the worker got the wolf stamp, but it could've been jumbled up or stolen after entering the estate. not like he's thinking that far ahead tho,,,

FINALLY he sees her w naoaki and we get a whole-ass confrontation-- im going NUTS here this was SO intense. naoya's arc here plays on one of my FAVORITE villain tropes, the 'villain who genuinely doesn't realize he's done anything wrong'. those are always so good but rarely do we get the moments of said villain realizing how badly he's fucked up im SO excited for how this is going

the way naoya is genuinely sure he's not done anything wrong and doesn't realize how badly he's hurt her vs. naoaki thinking he's just pretending to be oblivious to get out of consequences- DELICIOUS STUFF. naoaki pulling the "because you *love* her?" in whats probably intended to be a mocking way and then realizing "oh shit. he does actually. oh this is a fucking mess isn't it" and feeling kind of guilty about it... is it weird i want them to make up at some point too in all of this? god knows naoya needs some fucking friends (besides ranta)

"Naoya doesn't... *can't* care for me... because he doesn't care for anyone but himself." Y/N WITH THE STEEL CHAIR,, FROM THE TOP ROPE,, might as well have just shot him. definitely did the equivalent of knocking him unconscious considering he apparently doesn't remember anything that happened afterwards. i like to imagine he just dropped unconscious right on the spot and they just left him there.

the dream sequence part KILLED me i genuinely believed up until maybe midway through this was real. ALSO HE CALLED HIM BROTHER,,, my onii-san joke rings true,, at the funniest possible fucking time,, wish he'd say it outside of a dream,, the y/n sneering at naoya and laughing at him was i think what gave it away-- i was willing to believe her and naoki went off to finally fuck after all that but sry y/n i do NOT believe you're willing to make fun of him that hard to his face yet. yet. i think you should though some time

but fr this WHOLEE dream sequence is soo important to his character its so good at illustrating the fear of failure and rejection and abandonment-- they're SO crippling for him to such a degree he ends up making it worse on himself and making this fucked up self-fulfilling cycle houghhh its so much,,

naoaki getting woken up in the middle of the night to naoya slamming into his room demanding to know where y/n is-- i NEED to know what he thought in that moment he mustve thought naoya's gone fucking insane esp when he just LEAVES right after without explaining anything

and then y/n probably thought she was gonna fucking die when he just showed up out of nowhere. actual jumpscare moment. also her being intrigued by just how disheveled and awful he looks? me too.

WHAT WAS HE GONNA TELL HER. IM WAILING AND CRYING DID HE EVEN HAVE ANYTHING HE WANTED TO SAY OR WAS HE JUST DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET HER TO STAY,, AUGH,, depending how loudly he collapsed to the floor and loud his crying was i wonder if y/n were able to hear him?? i think she should definitely see him crying at least once-- i wonder how she (or naoaki) would even handle him just breaking down into tears,,

ohmygod i wrote. a lot here. anyways. 20/10 chapter. im chewing on him. tysm for these incredible developments im foaming at the mouth to see whats next

Hello!!!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS JUST EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED HAHAHAHAH I THRIVE IN OTHER'S ANGUISH.... lol.

Ahem, anyways... 🤭 I'm glad you liked this chapter!!! This has to be up there, in my top 10 moments of the story (we still have others though... but yeah, still up there) and the one I was dying to write for the longest. I don't know if it was enough "punishment" for Naoya, but it's good to see him be reminded of his stupidity :)

His downfall is something that I think many were expecting tbh, or at least see him get kicked down a notch lol He was out there thinking himself to be the king of the hill for far too long, someone had to remind him he’s not that special 😂

I’m pretty sure the staff’s perception of Y/N changed drastically once again, into a more positive I mean. They’re out there admiring how she was able to do what many couldn’t and can’t help but wonder if she has the potential to ruin the Zen’in if she wanted to—of course, that stops when Naobito is added into the equation, but they still like to daydream about it haha.

Mariya is a character I would consider 100% fed up with Naoya’s (or just about anyone from the clan) shenanigans, so that makes it easier for her to stand up to him, although I’m sure she’s still intimidated by him. Thankfully her extensive knowledge of how everything works around the estate helps her out in these situations, it’s kind of like a… “gray area” for her to exploit—something she can use if she ever gets in trouble with Junko or Meiko for example, she can easily say “I was just doing what was requested of me” and they’d be like “unnnghhhh I guess!!”

Besides, she has job security in the sense that Meiko considers her to be the best worker there (after her, obviously lmao) so she wouldn’t dare lose the order Mariya provides; because she’ll whine and cry about it, enough for Naobito to intervene, making him wonder why she was fired, forcing Meiko to say “well, because Naoya–“ and yeah, I don’t think anyone to be in that situation hahaha so she’s safe.

I’d say Naoya is greatly oblivious to body language when it comes to… socializing? Cause he’s great when it comes to analyzing targets in a jujutsu environment, but even then, I think he’d still be somewhat bad compared to others 😂 he's the kind of person that believes brute force overrules everything else, so he shouldn't worry about those menial details. (Kind of like Endeavor from MHA? Like he's a great hero, but in the sense of crime fighting, he didn't really care about making a fan base or anything else really... OUTSIDE OF SHOTO OF COURSE)

And because Y/N has always been “coy” when he’s around, he doesn’t think much of it outside of being normal behavior from her, so yeah, he didn't get any sense of "something's going on" when she acted the way she did.

Naoya being derange isn’t a surprise to anyone at this point 😭 I’m telling you, he does things that under any normal context it would’ve been sweet, but since he’s… him, it’s not lmao. I can’t imagine how terrified Y/N was upon hearing he went all the way down to the post office just to find out what happened with his gift. He’s determined, that’s for sure, and it makes her wonder what other things he's done already—although at that moment, at the same time she was hoping she’d be able to escape this situation… well, alive, she was mostly worried that her letters might be uncovered too. Thankfully Naoya was focused on something else 💀

And yep, the way he jumped into conclusions was eerie, but I think it was because deep inside him, he knew that was what actually happened. He had enough of bad history with his wife to know that she, more likely than not, discarded his gifts. Did he ever wonder why? No. Would he dare to ask? I don’t think so. And even if he did, would he understand? I think he’d feel offended if anything, more so when Naoaki’s gestures had been happily received. Oof.

Maybe if he wasn’t so paranoid (or heart broken, let’s be real) he might’ve considered someone else from the staff, leading him into another wild goose chase; good, this is revenge for what he put Hinata through.

I’m glad you liked the confrontation!!! It was above everything, awkward, cause there’s no actual confrontation coming from Naoya if that makes sense? Like he’s not open to actual conversations, he just wants to know the why of certain things, and if it fits his ideals, good, if not, God help us.

I definitely believe Naoaki thinks Naoya is so… “isolated” from the real world that he might actually, genuinely not know what he’s doing—can’t blame him, he had Naobito and the rest of the family as guidance lol—but his inability to even consider other possibilities is what always frustrates him 😂 poor Naoaki, he can’t go on with his life without being constantly disappointed by his relatives. (Have Mai and Maki disappointed him too? I wonder...)

My favorite part, and I’ll never stop talking about it hahahah, was when he asked Naoya if he “loved” Y/N aughagaga DAMN the skepticism was there 100% for sureeeeeeeeee, he was hoping to hear his brother say something like “yeah, I do” so he could be like “bullshit!” and continue to take out his frustrations, but the way Naoya remained quiet, looking away almost as if embarrassed!!! Now that’s when he knew there were feelings for her—beneath the complicated layers that make him a monster, Naoya was still capable of harboring sentiments for someone else (Allegedly… all allegedly…) and Naoaki immediately felt bad for putting him on the spot like that. He still cares for his baby brother after all 😭😭😭

I certainly feel bad that their relationship turned into this—I can only wonder what occurred on the manga for Naoya to want them (more) dead lol. If he���s already unhinged at 19, imagine at 27 💀 Ah, but one can dream….

AHAHAHAH Him just spacing out immediately after Y/N said that is, ugh idk satisfying and sad at the same time—like sure I feel sorry that his wife was like “no, you don’t care” and I could’ve had her say something like “ewww” but Y/N isn’t that disrespectful; and come on what was Naoya expecting 😂?? For her to be like “omg I’m so sorry Naoya I should’ve known” please!!! She was appropriate enough to state the truth, that he doesn’t care for anyone but himself, he should’ve just taken it and left them (which he did: I imagine he remained quiet, spacing out as he stared at the two before turning around and disappearing into the hallways. Naoaki and Y/N look at each other, wondering what happened before wondering if he’s going to return. Naoaki tells her no, but that she should be careful nonetheless. Y/N goes with Mariya, tells her staff what went down and collectively decide to keep a low profile—Hitomi offers to keep a lookout on Naoya, only stopping when she overheard that he was in his room and has been for the past few hours. They go on with their day, or attempt to, and that’s when Mariya decides to let them know of her secret hideout)

To irritate Ren, I decided that the song that best fits this scene is this one. And just for a little, tiny part before the chorus and Mel B's part hahahahha. That's the only thing that actually applies to their whole dilemma at this point.

Now, the good part… The dream sequence was the one thing I’ve been wanting to show you for a while now hahah I just kept teasing you about it, and I’m glad it got the reaction it did hahahahhahahhhahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I was 99.9999% sure that most of my readers would immediately catch on to the fact that this was a dream, since I’ve never portrayed Y/N to be that crazy, you know? Like her making fun of Naoya is off the table completely; sure, she’s made some jokes here and there, but they’re always lighthearted—or at least I think that’s the impression one gets when reading them—never off the rails as this dream sequence 💀 leave that to Naohiko lol.

Either way, I tried my best to cover the fact it was a dream, and if someone saw right through it, it still served to show just how messed up Naoya is on an emotional at this moment.

But yeah, this nightmare worked really well ‘cause there was that lingering question of whether Naoaki and Y/N were finally going to do something more… intimate. I feel that if I hadn’t worked their relationship up to that point it would’ve easily been like “nah, this is a dream goodbye” 😈 glad it worked in the end hahahah!!!

Now that it’s mentioned, the scene where Naoaki is disrupted by Naoya is ironically funny—it was so out of the blue first he was like “I sleep” and then Naoya comes into his room to ask the most random question before leaving.

Naoaki for sure thought he made it up—he was worried for Y/N and overworked by all his duties that he was like “Man, I’m even starting to dream about Naoya wtf??” his slumber overtook him almost immediately after; had he not been that exhausted you can be 100% certain he would’ve gone after Naoya.

And I agree—Y/N for sure thought she was going to die at that moment, although it was a fear that quieted down a bit for the sake of her staff’s wellbeing… yet, the thing that surprised her the most was to see Naoya so… disturbed—he’d seen him angry, arrogant, a complete monster… but she’d never seen him so defeated. So yeah, I think she believed she was going to die, but more in a sense of shock of not knowing what the hell was going on.

Now, for your last question… Naoya desperately wanted to keep her there above anything else, but his broken heart also wanted to tell her that he did care for her, at least to some extent, if not then why would he have married her? A mystery for sure. If I had to boil it down to a singular reason, it was him wanting to tell her how much he wants to be with her. Happily, be with her.

(No one heard Naoya cry, outside of Y/N retreating as quickly as possible, I envision him to be a silent crier in a way, not wanting anyone to hear him out of fear of being reprimanded more than shame—Naobito as a father must’ve been really, really tough. And if anyone did hear him, they would’ve never thought it was him to begin with.)

Thank you so much for tuning in for another chapter!! 🥺❤️❤️❤️❤️ I really greatly, enormously enjoy your asks, they give me so much insight about things that sometimes escape my mind!! Kgagagkak I don’t know how to describe it, but they motivate me allot 😭❤️

I can’t wait to show you the rest of the story…. Another…. Specific part I want you to read (well, more than one, but that one is another favorite of mine) hahahahahaaa

Once again, thank you so much for your support 🥺😭❤️ I shall strive to deliver the next chapters to the best of my ability!!!

Take care, and hope to see you soon 🥺❤️

[orphanofkos]

a lot of gay gays struggle with intimacy and try to drown out their need for an emotional connection by having as much casual sex as possible, and telling themselves that they're fulfilled because look at how much sex i'm having haha! while pushing away anyone who actually wants to get to know them or wants them to open up. Flynn fits this archetype perfectly, and it's a phenomenon that i've seen in real life so it's heartbreaking to see in the game. but then adding on everything that happened with Sydney — how the last person that Flynn truly loved was taken from him as a child — it makes him gun shy about getting close to people, trying to have a bond that comes close to what he had with Sydney, which might REPLACE what he had with Sydney. but what I think is really going on is that Flynn, who knew he was gay from an early age, was terrified of his relationship with Sydney being construed by others as sexual, and even deeper than that, was terrified that his love for Sydney might actually BE sexual (I'm not saying that it was, but growing up with conservative mormon parents will convince you that all gay men are pedophiles who prey on young boys; Flynn was scared that he might be grooming Sydney). And as a side note, this is why I think Flynn is the only one to criticize Chase's relationship with Leo; the age gap between Leo and Chase is the same as the gap between Flynn and Sydney, both pairs are old childhood friends, and both pairs have the same essential protector/protected role; Flynn can't help but see his own worst fears about himself reflected in what Leo does to Chase; in Flynn mind, Leo crossed a boundary that Flynn considers sacred.

and as another aside, this is why it's so heartbreaking that Chase abandons Flynn at the smoke room; Chase essentially confirms Flynn's beliefs about himself being undeserving of intimacy. a lot of Flynn's abrasiveness can be construed as an attempt to keep people at arm's length, but I think he specifically tries to make Chase uncomfortable to obviate any potential relationship; he comes on too strong to Chase with the intention of scaring him away (like when he pins Chase against the truck to "flirt" or even inviting him to the smoke room at all), but when Chase remains obstinate in pursing a relationship with him he begins to warm up to the idea of actual intimacy; they are (theoretically) old friends. Chase seeing Flynn for what he is (for what Flynn believe himself to be) and then abandoning him is just confirmation that he's right where he belongs; sandwiched between four other guys and completely alone.

[spockandawe]

The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System is a story about being unlovable and self-perception and the tragedy of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's about a story that Shang Qinghua writes, about this kind of damage being passed down from one generation to the next, and the man himself reflects these issues directly, yes, but they seep out into the entire universe he creates. At the beginning, this was the story he wrote, cut off and left adrift and quietly rejected by his own family, in an attempt to scrape by. In the original draft, Binghe would have been left alone and immortal, never truly loved, with everyone he tried to grasp and keep slipping through his fingers as he was the only one left, with his surroundings reflecting his inner emptiness. But then, Shang Qinghua lost that first draft, and he's left with a rushed, sexed-up story that's financially successful in a way that he knows the original story he wanted to share never would have been. It's about feeling certain that nobody actually wants who you really are, and watching that inner feeling come true around you.

Because this story is about Shen Jiu too. Nobody embodies this tragedy as viscerally as Shen Jiu does, and it's telling that his backstory is one of the critical elements of that lost story than Shang Qinghua never actually got to write. He starts out as a slave kid on the streets, he has no value as a person and is aware of that, and pours everything he has into his relationship with Qi-ge. By everyone else, his confidence and ambition are treated as punchlines, whether he's a toy/pet to the Qiu family, or a tool to his scam artist master after making his escape. But it's deciding that Qi-ge abandoned him that really locks this damage into place. There's nothing Yue Qingyuan can give him that will convince him that the gift is the result of care, rather than guilt. There's no achievement that makes him feel secure. It becomes a tragic feedback loop where his standoffishness and abrasiveness damage his interpersonal relationships to the point where in an ambiguous situation, he's offered less and less credit, until he's simply handed over to a torturer. And it's a situation that was built, in part, by his own actions, because he passed a lot of his own pain down to Luo Binghe.

Luo Binghe's situation is the most textual, in the story we get. He was set adrift in a river moments after being born, where he would have died if not for a fortunate rescue. Even after being adopted, it was a difficult childhood. His mother loved him, but she was torn away while he was still young. And Shen Jiu was a teacher who chose him, but then was particularly and viciously cruel to him. Even in the novel timeline, when Shen Yuan gets thrown into the picture and starts pampering him as soon as he can get away with it, a lot of damage has already been done. The abyss plot point does more, and Shen Qingqiu's fear of his canon fate does more and more. Binghe has been internalizing these rejections from the start. He's not interested in hearing about his birth parents until he's forced to listen, and the cracks show multiple times, right on the page, when he speaks about how nobody would ever want him, or choose him. Even after Shen Qingqiu has made it very clear how much he cares and is willing to sacrifice on his sake (which is a whole other kettle of worms, binghe's decreasing ability to cope with people (shen qingqiu) being hurt for the sake of protecting him, and his growing certainty that caring about him is something intrinsically harmful to others), even after Shen Qingqiu leaves Cang Qiong with him, Binghe barely manages to propose marriage before scrambling to backtrack, because it's not something he can conceptualize having for himself, and he's terrified that it's too much to ask.

But it's interesting that Shang Qinghua's struggles are drawn out for arguably the longest. He has a rough time of it, in both his lives. Even after making it into Cang Qiong Mountain Sect on his transmigration adventure, as the author of the universe in question, he's still shunted off into the most overworked and underappreciated of the peaks. Him hurling himself into shameless begging to survive dangerous situations like meeting Mobei-jun is a more clever characterization than I think it appears at first. And it's funny, right? But it becomes more and more of a sad kind of funny as we get all the way into the extras, and he's totally clueless that Mobei-jun is placing his entire life in Shang Qinghua's hands until it's already happened and they're both in an incredibly dangerous situation. Now, some of this is definitely on Mobei-jun, who is hilariously bad at communication, even in this cast of clowns, but it's also really sad that Shang Qinghua wrote his ideal man, and is confident that this person wouldn't even give someone like Shang Qinghua the time of day. It does genuinely move me that Mobei-jun still fell hard for him, but in a really sad, upsetting way, if that makes sense? And even after Mobei-jun has (barely-verbally) been like 'I trust you above anyone else to protect me when my uncle comes to kill me, and I'm so confident in your abilities that I don't think I even need to explain myself,' afterwards, when Shang Qinghua runs off, he's shocked when Mobei-jun comes looking for him.

I adore how often cnovels include extras after the end of the story proper, but my relationship with the svsss ones is odd, because most of them just emotionally shred me, and I finish the experience on a more melancholy note than I would have initially expected. We get all of Shang Qinghua's personal context and experiences in this part, it's where we get the marriage proposal, and it's got all of Shen Jiu's pov sections. It's also got Zhuzhi-lang, another character who either disappeared in the lost draft or who Shang Qinghua never wrote, who embodies this lack of self-worth even more bluntly than the others, and it's got the universe crossover with canon!binghe, who's still grasping after the experience of being loved, but is gripping so hard that he squeezes the life out of the relationships he tries to keep. These ideas are important in the story proper, but the extras are what take the idea of 'it's silly to think that i would ever be loved' and go after it like a dog with a squeaky toy. Seeing this crop up for one character would be fun, seeing it come up so many times, including for the author character himself, is intentional.

[sublime-beyond-loss]

Skip Button Alternate Ending

I got the idea to write out a 'what if' ending for the skip button scene concerning what would happen if the narrator was capable of acknowledging a player who refuses to keep skipping forward. This is heavily inspired by @give-soup-please writing prompts. I don't normally write in this style and I'm not one to write stuff that feels so much like wish-fulfillment, but hey, it can't hurt to be a little self-indulgent every once in awhile, and even then, boy is this ending earned by the time it is finished. It's no cakewalk for anyone involved, it just has a slightly happier outcome compared to the normal way this ends. I also just really like the idea that since the narrator is not human, he does not have a human mind, despite his personality closely resembling one. What if he is actually quite capable of enduring multiple eternities alone without going mad as long as he has the right motivation to do so and doesn't slip into an existential spiral along the way?

This can be read as platonic or romantic. Another choice. Make it count.

Several skips in after the narrator has finally started to grasp the situation and realize just how bad it is, it takes him a little while but he eventually notices that the player is refusing to keep pushing the button. Seeing that you're trying to stick it out with him in the room, at first you both try to find ways to keep each other entertained, but he slowly starts to understand that there is only one way one of you can make it out of here alive/sane. He asks you to start skipping forward again with the hope that maybe enough time will come to pass that the room will start to fall apart. Between you having tried to hold out for his sake and he himself having decided to make this sacrifice on his own terms, this gives him a far greater resolve to stay sane during his long years in solitude, for your sake.

With every skip, you try to spend time with him to ease some of his loneliness. You will often wait hours, if not days before pushing the button again. Some skips are harder than others for the narrator. (I'm betting he would need a lot of moral support during the skip where the fire alarm is malfunctioning because he has probably had to listen to it beeping for months if not years and something like that would drive anyone mad) Still, he remains far more sane than he would during a regular run of this ending.

At one point, you get to return to him excitedly showing you that the roof has caved in. Being an incorporeal voice, he can leave through the hole any time he wants, but he still can't get you out. So now it's his turn to stick around for your sake. With the next skip, you find hope and joy in the plant life that has crept into the room while you were frozen, and the narrator got to experience the whole growing process first hand. He finally has a new sort of story to tell you, and he enjoys speaking of the plants growing and being able to rise up out of the room and see nature all around him. Who could have thought that merely talking about plants could become such an interesting topic for the both of you. He does confess though that this has been the hardest skip for him to not simply abandon you because he longs to explore this new world of nature after centuries alone in that dark, lonely room.

This moment of peace is soon shattered as the darker skips with the terrifying noises outside hit. The narrator is deeply unsettled and his voice is all but a whisper coming from one corner of the room, because unlike you, he has been dealing with having to hide from these screaming entities for decades, if not centuries. He does not dare look out through the hole to see what state the memory zone is in. Some of the things he says really concerns you. He confesses that the eons have been hard on him, and he suspects that the memory zone has changed to reflect that. He fears that the beings out there are warped aspects of himself, searching for their missing piece, and he does not want to find out what will become of him if they do find him. However, even though the world outside has decayed into madness, he has not. He thinks that he may be the last splinter of sanity holding on for dear life in a fragmented mind that has long since gone mad. Knowing that every time you push that button you will come back someday and stay with him for awhile helps keep him sane no matter how lonely, bored, or scared he gets.

You try to stick with him during these horrible skips for as long as you can, but it is especially hard with how frightening it all is. You have to keep reminding yourself that if it is this bad for you then think about how much worse it is for the narrator who has had to deal with this for an unfathomable amount of time. The screams sometimes grow distant, but all too often they get much too close. They will come right up to the hole and all you can do is sit very still and be very quiet, an art the narrator has long since mastered. You can feel invisible eyes on you when they peer through the hole. They know you are there, but they never reach in. Why? The narrator can only theorize. He does not know why they do not take you, because they often cry out for Stanley in their warped voices and they could pluck you from the room with ease, unless they are as limited as he is in being able to affect the room and everything in it. Why have they still not taken him either? He thinks that maybe they are waiting for him to give up and join them of his own volition. He admits that it is hard not to give in to the madness sometimes, since your visits have become so spaced out and he finds himself alone for millions upon millions of years.

Sometimes they knock on the walls from the outside. Soft and gentle at times, rapid at others, and sometimes they beat at the walls so fiercely that you are sure the bricks will come crumbling down. Where you once wanted nothing more than for these walls to fall away, now you desperately hope that they will hold and keep acting as a barrier against the beings that lurk outside. You fear that if you push the button again the narrator will be gone by the time you return, taken away by these hellish entities. Finally, with your mental health rapidly deteriorating, the narrator has to make a hard choice and begins encouraging you to push the button. Nothing is more important to him than making sure at least one of you gets out of this sane, and you staying here with him is threatening that. He promise you that the next skip will have you sitting on a beach with a drink in hand and the ocean spread out before you. No more brick walls, no more terrifying monsters, no darkness, just you free from it all. You seriously doubt that since you can only see the skips continuing to get worse, and that scares you since you cannot imagine anything worse than what has already come to pass. Plus, the way he does not include himself in his desperate storytelling worries you, but you do appreciate that he is trying to bring you some hope in this unyielding darkness. With much hesitation, you push the button for what turns out to be the last time.

Staring down at the broken skip button with the hollow sound of wind whipping through the broken, slanted room, for one horrible moment you think that you are alone, but then you hear the narrator speak up directly behind you. He tells you that he has been waiting a million lifetimes for you to return. He tells you that a hole slowly opened up in the wall over several millennia. You can finally leave, and he could have left you behind a trillion times over all throughout this hellish experience, but he chose to wait for you instead. All because you attempted to wait out eternity for him first. For your sake, the narrator found the resolve to make it through the eons with his sanity 'mostly' intact. He isn't human, after all. He's made of tougher stuff than that! You want to celebrate, you want to get that ancient, weary voice to start narrating with some passion again! But more so than anything, you want to get out of this damn room! 

With light streaming in through the hole in the wall, you step out into the desert. The return of light is so stunning and beautiful to you because the darkness of the last few skips is still so fresh in your mind, but for the narrator it seems to be nothing more than a distant memory. The void and the screaming entities are long gone. The end of the world has come and gone. Insanity has given way to some new form of stability. The narrator says that he believes this desert is a new world waiting to be born, it just needs some sort of spark to begin the process. He sounds so relieved. He is ready to move on to something new. No more doors, no more reviews, no more buttons, no more endings, no more resets. You both are ready for a story about beginnings. Though neither of you say it out loud, both of you fear that the game will reset at some point. Maybe it will, maybe it won't, or maybe you two will find your own way in this new world where a reset back to the status quo is simply impossible. You have to keep moving forward to find out.

[oh-my-moomin]

NGE: You Deserve Love

This is an analysis based solely on the og NGE anime series and not the movie or rebirth series so I won’t be mentioning those.

NGE is a psychological horror/apocalypse story dressed up as a mecha. This farce is only totally dropped in the last 2, even 3 episodes. This can make the ending jarring and seem in cohesive, but ultimately my understanding is that none of the ‘plot’ really matters. Seele doesn’t matter, where the angels come from doesn’t really matter, and the final battle doesn’t matter. This is a story exploring loss, the need for connection, loneliness, and humanity. We see this through not only the interactions of the human characters but also through the angels.

THE HUMANS

The Children

A defining trait of all the characters is that they are lonely. The isolation from human connection is brought on both by the high stress apocalypse they all live in, as well as the personal demons they face. The characters all attempt to create bonds with other people, but are held back by their insecurities, fear of vulnerability, and past traumas.

Let’s start with Shinji, as the main character. Having lost his mother at a young age, and being abandoned by this father, he was never able to feel secure. Therefore he takes on a people pleaser attitude, constantly apologizing. His want for validation (particularly from adults in his life) causes him to continue to take action that he doesn't want to, including piloting the EVA. His self hate and insecurity makes it hard for him to make and trust his own choices. So he relies on others to guide him. When this fails, when he doesn't get the love and validation he craves he tries to quite entirely. But this often leads to the people he cares about being hurt. He's trapped between a rock and hard place.

Asuka was also abandoned, however rather than craving support like Shinji, she chooses to live for herself. She craves independence. She needs to know that she is no longer a child that can be hurt and vulnerable. This is largely shown through both her overt sexuality, and her piloting the EVA. She must be in control of the EVA, she must have power, she must be able to prove herself as the best, the strongest. Because inside she still feels like that hurt desperate child, and that is what she hates most about herself. Unlike Shinji, Asuka is brash and rude, and she expects others to give her the same. She barks and expects you to bark back, but can’t always handle it. 

Both of these characters are constantly looking for connection, with both their peers and adults. While Asuka often pushes herself on to people, out of a need to be seen. Shinji cannot take active moves to make meaningful connections, and will shy away from people trying to connect. Asuka hates herself and needs to prove that others love her. Shinji hates himself and cannot imagine that people love him. 

The Adults

One of the running themes in the show is motherhood. Typically it is the mother that is expected to love and care for the child, to raise them, show unconditional love, give unwavering support. None of the characters have had this, Shinji and Asuka search for validation that they lost in adults in different ways. Unfortunately for them, none of the adults present are suitable to be parents. 

The show makes a point to show that the adult characters are all more complex than the children. They have lived longer and therefore had more time to make mistakes, to get stuck in toxic ideals, to ‘be problematic’. They are not concretely good or bad people (mostly), but rather the result of people who grew up in a post apocalyptic world, trying desperately to stop the salvage it, while also trying to make their own connections. Like the child characters, their past traumas make it harder for them to be more open, vulnerable, and weak, to form that human connection. 

I am going to focus on Misato and Ritsuko, since they act as foils when it comes to human connection.

Misato being left as a lone survivor to a terrible accident has left her scared both physically and mentally. Before this she had issues with her parents, as her father seemed to abandon his family in favour of work, leaving her mother devastated. Misato doesn't want to become like her mother, abandoned by a loved one, and she also doesn't want to be her father, a slave to work. To counter this she looks for easy connections, but she never wants to get too close.

When her relationship with Kaji was beginning to feel too real, she began to find flaws. His resemblance to her father was terrifying, so she broke it off. Similarly, when in scenes with Shinji, talking about his insecurities or his want to give up, she is hidden by shadow. She cannot be seen as weak, she cannot offer comfort, she cannot be a mother figure to Shinji. Other ways her searching for easy connection is her drinking beer, or eating take out. She searches for the most basic ways to fulfill her needs, so that she can focus on her main goal of defeating the angels. 

Ritsuko is also desperate to find human connection without vulnerability. By fully closing off the whole world she can have no weakness, something which she resents in Misato. She views herself as above the need for connection in that way, and would rather follow in her mothers foot footsteps as a scientist and a woman. 

She loved and admired her mother, and hated her. She wants to follow in her footsteps but also would hate to fail in the same ways. She saw how her mother failed to actually mother her, and chose to completely reject that part of herself. Instead she cares for cats, and uses those as a surrogate to having a child. She continues her mothers work as a scientist, constantly striving to improve. And when it comes to the ‘woman’ that her mother was, she knew a stubborn woman who focused solely on one man. So Ritsuko also focused on him, to the point of giving up her cat to her grandmother. Both women tried to create an easy connection with him, both felt that they were his equal, and that they found the one connection that mattered. When it was proven to them that they were a second (third) woman this caused them both to break down. For Ritsuko this meant that even though she closed off the whole world, except for one man, she was still too vulnerable. And her only response was to completely shut down. Because she had no one else.

All of the characters are constantly searching for this connection, trying to show affection without getting hurt. Trying to make sense of the end of the world while also making sense of interpersonal relationships. Their own inner demons getting in the way of honest connection. 

Rei

As a clone Rei is a particular case. She is aware that she is not a ‘person’, she isnt meant for human connection. Her isolation is so ingrained into her, planned before she is even ‘born’ so she feels no need to care for anyone except Ikari. She latches onto him, would do anything for him, and has no value in her life because she is aware that she is not real. 

However, she still has a human source, Shinjis mother. A human person, who also needed human connection. Rei, when given the chance, does care for people. Shinji is the first person to see her as a peer, and to treat her with kindness. With this start of forming connections, she begins to feel more human, to develop a further need to connect. Even if it's hard to fully separate from the man who created her.

THE ANGELS

The angels act as a foil to the human need for connection. While all of the human characters are lonely and searching for connection with each other, the angels are also lonely and trying to learn what that even means. 

There is no scene where the angels are working together, they are solitary, all having the same goal of reaching Adam, but incapable of planning together to achieve it. They instead try to create connection to humans, trying to bond and understand them, without knowing that their methods are harmful. 

I believe this can be first seen with the 12th angel. When Shinji is absorbed into the EVA, it is safe to say that the angel was able to understand the merging of human and EVA. This connection allowed Shinji to control the EVA to break free of the angel's shadow. The following month where Shinji is trapped within his EVA, is our first insight into what the human instrumentality project will be like, as well as the goals of the angels. 

Since angels cannot connect to each other, the 15th angel attempts to create connection by forcing itself into Asukas mind. It wants to understand her, her emotions, her thoughts, her connections, her love. For her this is a painful experience, akin to rape. She feels dirtied after it. But the attack is a beam of light, with holy music playing, what should be a calming experience. I believe it is fair to say that the angel cannot understand that it is putting her through pain, as it cannot understand any human experiences. Angels are incapable of understanding their own feelings/experiences/wants, and try to use humans as a study from which they can learn. 

The following angel confronts Rei about her loneliness. Instead of breaking into her mind through light, it directly entered her body. While talking with her, it questioned what loneliness was, trying to understand its own pain and isolation through understanding hers. Its solution is to merge with Rei, as it believes this would solve both problems. 

However, when she refuses, the angel then tries to find another source of connection. Rei cares about Shinji, as both a clone of his mother, and a friend as her own person. The angel can see that this connection is something that she finds precious and tries to take it for itself, as it cannot understand why Shinji wouldn’t feel the same. It cannot understand how complex human connections are, that it cannot simply take Reis form. However, it has learned what pain is, and how to communicate its own pain. As seen when Shinji attacks it. Whether this pain is physical or emotional doesn't matter, because it is the first pain that the angel could express.

The angels discovering what loneliness is acts as a way for the human pilots to begin to explore their own isolation in more depth. For better or worse.

THE FINAL MESSENGER

Our introduction to the final angel is him singing. He takes a human form, can fully communicate to other humans, and doesn’t immediately attack them. This is such a contrast to all other angels that it isn't immediately clear that he even is an angel. Kaworu's first words are (as per the netflix english subtitles)

“Arent songs great? Songs enrich the heart. They're the crowning achievement of Lilin culture” 

He loves humans, human culture, human lives, and the human world. He is the first angel who is able to show this. His ability to understand humans allows him to form human connections, and he does so with Shinji. 

Kaworu loved Shinji. He would seek out Shinji, take time to bond and communicate with him, and help Shinji open up. He wanted to be close with Shinji, and knew how to be gentle in ways that no other human or angel could. He was patient, because he had time. And Shinji was able to open up to him more than with any other character. Shinji  was able to take the initiative to ask to stay with him, to try and form that connection.

All the human characters are struggling with their own demons, with an apocalyptic world. The whole earth is at war and Shinji is in the front lines, surrounded by adults who may want to help him but ultimately can't. Saving everyone is a higher priority to saving one kid, especially when that kid is your strongest soldier. Throughout the series Shinji is given conditional love. It is only when he pilots the EVA, defeats the angels and saves the day that people give him validation. Then comes this boy, who is gentle and kind, who listens. And it's easy, its comfort, its understanding and unconditional love, and its exactly what Shinji has needed for the whole series. 

But as a messenger he could never stay, he's temporary and by the end of the episode he understands this. He still is driven to ‘Adam’, he has a mission, but instead he is confronted with Lilith. Kaworu understands that humans and angels cannot live together in harmony, only one can survive. Both Adam and Litlith were made in god's image, but only Adam could stay in the garden of Eden. Death and Life hold equal value to Kaworu, so he doesn't mind the sacrifice, he would rather die to protect humans, to protect Shinji. He can  also understand that this is difficult, this is murder, this is killing a friend. So he says “thank you” and he waits.

In other episodes when in a battle, Shinji is constantly being yelled at, told what to do, under constant pressure. But here there is just the same patient understanding that Kaworu has always shown him. No rush for him to take action, just time to process and grieve. Because Kaworu knows Shinji will make the hard choice and he waits, and he smiles, and he continues to love Shinji. 

The final angel came down as a messenger and said

“You are important. 

I want to talk to you, to know you. 

You are in pain, you are fragile and should be protected. 

You are worthy of my affection. 

I like you. I love you. I was born just so that I could meet you. 

Our kind cannot survive together, one of us must die. And you deserve to live. 

I will take this burden of death because you deserve a future. 

I am glad I could meet you, thank you. 

I know this is hard, and I know you need time. I will wait.

Thank you.”

That was the last message to humanity.

And because Shinji is human he says back

“We are the same. I love you too. If only one of us could have lived it should have been you. You are better than me. You should have survived.”

[miraculous-clowncar]

Lately there's been a lot of debate about Marinette's crush on Adrien vs Adrien's crush on Ladybug. what do you think? i personally think that they both have a tendency to put their crushes on a pedestal, but adrien actually likes marinette for who she is whereas marinette only likes the idea of adrien

I agree with the pedestal part, I disagree with your reasoning. I really don't like the fact that people assign morality to Marinette and Adrien's crushes, because their approach to their crushes honestly aligns pretty well with their emotional circumstances and motivations.

It's true that Marinette has a tendency to put Adrien up on this pedestal, similar to the way Adrien does with Ladybug. But, I don't think that her feelings are shallow by any stretch. The difference between Marinette and Adrien is that Marinette does it to avoid confessing to Adrien, whereas Adrien goes too far in his persistent attempts to get Ladybug to like him.

Try looking at the situation in terms of attachment styles: Marinette has a fearful attachment style, whereas Adrien has an anxious one (note: I'm not a psychologist, so please don't go quoting me on this or accepting this as canon. I'm just using attachment styles to illustrate a point and nothing more. don't make this deeper than it needs to be).

Marinette puts Adrien up on this pedestal because it's something that's unattainable, and, most importantly, safe. Marinette has gone to great lengths just to be in his presence, but she doesn't want to take the risk and actually go any further than that. This was made blatantly clear in Simpleman; Marinette keeps self-sabotaging herself with these elaborate schemes to confess to Adrien because she would much rather admire him from a distance than actually take the chance of confessing to him. It's much more comfortable for her to be Adrien's admirer from afar than it is to be Adrien's potential girlfriend. Not to mention, last time she confessed to Adrien, she had to deal with Chat Blanc, and we all know how heavily Chat Blanc weighs on her mind.

This would also explain why she's in denial of her feelings for Chat Noir. Imagine all of the emotional bs she would have to unpack if she finally admits that she likes Chat Noir. We saw how much she had to deal with when she was with Luka, who, as she said, was super easy to be with. Throwing Chat Noir into the mix of all the crap going on in her life is just another layer of stuff that she doesn't want to deal with.

Adrien, on the other hand, desperately craves closeness and security, and he looks for that in Ladybug. The reason why he puts Ladybug up on a pedestal is that she's literally the most important person in his life and he's terrified of her abandoning him. As he said, it doesn't really matter who's behind that mask, he just knows he likes whoever this person is because this person is amazing and enriches his life so much. Chat savors every minute he's with Ladybug because his life as Adrien lacks that emotional fulfillment that he gets from his time with Ladybug. In Adrien's case, he's so blinded by his infatuation with Ladybug that he doesn't clue into other people's emotions; that's why things didn't work out between him and Kagami, and that's why Adrien hasn't clued into his feelings for Marinette yet. He's so preoccupied with his infatuation with Ladybug that he's not dealing with the parts of his life that need attention. This also contributes to the reason why Adrien doesn't have a strong sense of self.

sorry for the essay but I hope it makes sense lol

[attack-on-kiwi]

Jean alphabet ?🥲😌

The crush I have on this man is embarrassing-

Jean Kiirstein:

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Jean is a simple guy. Any time he’s around his s/o, he’s content. Usually, he will let them pick what they want to do. He’s not averse to just spending a day tending to the horses and riding around valleys on them. He finds it freeing. It’s especially enjoyable if they two are sharing the ride and his s/o is hugging him just tight enough from behind and laughing into his back. He doesn’t think that will ever stop bringing butterflies into his stomach.

He looks forward to any sort of domestic activity. Sleeping in and holding his s/o from leaving bed, helping them cut up vegetables for breakfast, surprising them with flowers or sweets when he has the opportunity to- anything classic, sweet, and intimate.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

They bring him back to reality. He’s not idealistic in any sense- instead he tends to get lost in his thoughts and can spiral into negative outbursts. He can also become closed off, so having his s/o, who can snap him back to his sense and remind him that not everything has gone to hell (even though, it’s pretty damn close to being so), means the world to him.

Jean is smitten. Another guy who thinks his s/o is the most gorgeous being to ever grace the earth. He thinks they’re the most beautiful when. they’re concentrating on a task. The way they refuse to let anyone or anything get in the way of their objective, no matter how menial or grand, bubbles pride in him.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Jean would drop everything that can be put off to help his s/o. He absolutely hates when they feel upset, and he’s not that good at comforting people. He’ll just crouch down (or bring them down if they’re taller) to eye level and ask them what they need him to do. His voice is soft, laced with concern. 

Jean damn near might tear up himself if his s/o is upset enough. He’ll stay with them for as long as they need to, and then some more. He’s likely going to hover or keep an eye on them for the next few days to make sure they’re truly all right.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Jean wants to get married and have a family. He doesn’t care if the kids are biological or adopted, but he wants kids. He could settle for a son and daughter, but it doesn’t really matter. He’d like at least two kids to keep him on his toes. He aspires to give them the most peaceful life and wants to be present in their lives for anything and everything.

He’s terrified of the idea of becoming a husband and father, but it’s one of the thoughts that keeps him going. He knows he wants his s/o by his side for the rest of their lives. Considering everything they’ve been through, he’s already planning on how to propose.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Jean doesn’t think of being dominant or passive in a relationship. He can take initiative in most cases, but he’s not going to impose on his s/o. He’s present in the relationship, and will often check in with his s/o. to make sure that they’re okay. It’s important to him that they be transparent and aware of how the other is feeling, though he might bury his own feelings quite often.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Being as confrontational as he is, it’s not uncommon to get into fights. He never gets physical with his s/o. The two are rather prone to heated arguments that can escalate to screaming at each other if the conflict is serious enough. 

Jean absolutely hates that he can’t hold himself back. He’s too forthright with his thoughts.. He does try his best not to hit low blows. No matter what, his arguments are based on fact and he won’t rely on jabbing at his s/o’s insecurities to gain an edge during a fight.

He needs his space. Usually, this just means the two separate and cool down a few hours. The longest he will go without speaking to them is a night. First thing in the morning, he’ll try to calmly confront them and apologize for his behavior, asking if they can try to talk the issue out now that they’ve had some rest.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Jean’s a grateful man, even if his slight pessimistic attitude can point you otherwise. He doesn’t verbally say that he’s grateful, but his actions truly speak louder than his words. He’s always got an eye on his s/o, he stops them when they’re overexerting themselves, he can sense when all they need is to be held for a few moments, and he’s always seeking out ways to make their day brighter. 

One way he might allow himself to be vulnerable is sitting behind them in bed and clasping their hands together, kissing each of their knuckles lightly. Jean likes to speak just above a whisper, listing why he loves them.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

No huge secrets. He does hide how he’s feeling at times, especially if he is stressed and doesn’t want them to feel pressured. Jean does press his s/o to tell him whatever is on their mind, though. The two have an honest relationship. You have to be blunt if you want to work with Jean, after all. He doesn’t mind if his s/o needs to keep secrets, as long as it’s nothing serious, like their loyalty to him shifting.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Jean allows himself to be more sensitive around his s/o. Normally, he would never entertain being overtly emotional or softer yet around his s/o, he’s quite different. There’s a gentleness about him which no one gets to see any other time. Truly, he will keep this persona for behind closed doors, but it does seep into his day to day. He’s kinder to people after he’s spent time with his partner. 

He is fighting for the people he loves-- to guarantee they can live fulfilling lives, grow old, then finally die peacefully. It’s all he wants, and having people to fight for is his heaviest inspiration.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He’s secure with himself in most senses, but there are times when Jean feels like he could be giving his s/o more attention or time. He may feel a twinge of guilt if his s/o starts to deflate at the idea of asking him if he has free time because it hurts that they worry about getting in the way of his work. During these episodes, it’s easy for Jean to become suspicious of other people, specifically other men, that are hovering around his s/o more than before. If it bothers him enough, he will call it out.

Usually, Jean is to ashamed of feeling insecure to outright explain why he’s jealous. His s/o can gauge if he’s uneasy by how clingy he is afterwards.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Jean’s kisses are either shy or extremely passionate. Depending on how much adrenaline is rushing through his body, he can encapsulate his partner in a fiery lip lock that will leave them short of an accidental asphyxiation (sorry I need to shut up). When he’s sleepy or has been missing his s/o, he’s prone to soft, short pecks. He likes to whisper into their lips, most of the time, he will be saying, “Just one more” as he dozes off.

His s/o is his first kiss, so it’s about as awkward as first kisses can get. His mouth and throat were dry. He wasn’t sure if he should tilt his face. They would get close then Jean would fumble, trying to adjust for better access. Finally, he got frustrated and just crashed their lips together for not even a second before pulling away, face glowing pink. Don’t worry, he’s gotten slightly better.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Jean discovers early on. Within months, he’s positive he’s in love with his s/o. He is terrified of telling his partner due to fear of abandonment and humiliation that stems from a childhood of being bullied. (pry this from my cold dead hands). Regardless of how strong he feels, he won’t outright confess his love until the two have been together for a good amount of time. That can amount to months or even a year or so, depending on just how serious he’s feeling about the relationship.

He’s the type of person that is practicing in the mirror how to confess, and unknowingly, his s/o will hear him. If he’s lucky, they feel the same way and just walk in to tell him they love him too and watch his brain short circuit as it processes what just happened. 

On a serious note, though, Jean would be nervous to confess. He’d make a date out of the entire ordeal-- choosing to take his s/o out for a nice dinner and at night, as they’re stargazing in a remote field, he’d hold their hand and say he needs to tell them something. Even in the evening, it’s easy to see him heat up. He’d whisper it at first. His s/o needs to let him collect his thoughts, and as soon as he’s gathered them, he’d confess full throttle. His voice shakes slightly, but his conviction is apparent.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Jean fantasizes of getting married quite often, and this only increases as he gets closer to his s/o. 

He’s honest with his s/o and the topic of marriage comes up in late night conversations quite often. He’s confessed that once the fighting is over, they’ll get married the next day. There’s no proposal, just a promise that keeps the two fighting to live another day. His mother actually gives him her own wedding ring, telling him to get it resized if need be, but she hopes it can become a family heirloom. Jean’s a romantic, and this gets him flustered yet excited.

Peaceful. Marriage with Jean is as mundane as can be. Sure, there’s going to be times when old friends come wreck havoc, but it’s all taken in stride. He likes waking his s/o up with a kiss to the cheek. If they want to pat his hair dry or brush it after his shower, he’ll try distracting them with sly neck kisses. He wants his kids to see how much he loves his spouse and groan in disgust as they try to get their parents to hurry up so they can all eat. Jean’s content/

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

He calls them by their name mostly. Sometimes he’ll shorten it or give them an alternative where it’s the first syllable of their name with -y at the end if possible. 

Jean calls them beautiful and gorgeous when he’s trying to make them laugh.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

The beginning is akin to puppy love. He’s so flustered but curious about everything they do and say. He’s kind to them and chokes up around them when he hasn’t had time to formulate a response. Definitely the type of guy who stares at his s/o wistfully with a dazed grin on his face. He’s been caught doing this to them across the room on multiple occasions. Needless to say-- everyone and their mother knows Jean’s smitten.

He tries to express his feelings by complimenting them. If he can help them out with errands or studying (if they met during the cadet training) he’s more than happy to shave off time to do so. He likes being able to take a load off their shoulders, so he won’t mind doing a little extra work.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Jean acts big, but he gets shy. The only time he’ll ever really kiss his s/o in front of others Is if he’s being teased or egged on and he wants to show he’s not ashamed of his partner. He loves them dearly, but showing affection in public isn’t the biggest priority for him.

 If they’re out in the market, he loves having them hold onto his arm as they lead him wherever the like. If there’s less people around, he won’t argue with locking fingers. His s/o might catch him off guard with some sneaky kisses that are sure to provoke him.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

Everything about his hands. They’re not as rough as some other people, though they aren’t insanely soft. He can give amateur massages and knows how to exert just the right amount of pressure to make the experience enjoyable, even for the most fidgety/ticklish s/o. It’s his secret to helping them relax and release pent up tension.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Jean loves romance. He loves being in love and having an excuse to try his hand at sappy love letters and poetry. He’s not the best, but what he writes down makes his s/o’s heart flutter. He just wants them to know how much he cares about them, even if he has a hard time expressing himself accurately. 

He’s the type of guy who picks up pastries because he remembered his s/o liked them a few weeks ago and the bakery finally made them again. He’ll polish their shoes if they haven’t had the energy to do it themselves. He’ll remind them to eat. His idea of making them happy is making sure that they are well taken care of.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

He’s their biggest fan and simultaneously their biggest critic. Jean supports their endeavors, but he will not mask his opinions just to make them feel better. He’s tough on them because he wants to see them succeed. He’ll help them if he can, but he won’t hold them back from their potential by lying to them. 

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Jean loves trying out new things with his s/o, especially once the world opens up to them. He wants to explore everything, while still having some sense of routine in their lives. No dates that could potentially harm him or his s/o. He’s spending time with them, not trying to fight for survival, after all. Dates can be adventures-- he won’t mind going on hikes or exploring nearby terrain, however, he’d much rather try new foods and experience new technology instead. 

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Jean likes to think he knows his partner inside and out, but he’s conflicted about the duality of everyone in his life when push comes to shove, so he finds himself wondering if he truly knows them. This is just his insecurity and hurt surfacing, but he can spiral into pondering whether his s/o care about him as much as he cares for them. He knows he gives them opportunities to tell them about themselves, and he’s picked up on their quirks over the time they’ve been together. In reality, Jean genuinely does know more about them than he thinks he does. It’s hard not to feel comfortable around him, after all. 

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

His relationship is extremely important to him as he’s always had issues with letting people in on his vulnerable side. He has insecurity issues stemming from a variety of sources and knowing how people could use him puts him off from working on most relationships. Finding his s/o and being slapped in the face by the reality that someone genuinely loves him and wants to learn with him is eye opening. Due to this, Jean tries extremely hard to work on himself and the relationship as best he can. There’s no way he’d half ass something so good.

Though Jean’s relationship is on the. top of his priorities, his mission is still going to overshadow his desire to be with his s/o. It’s not that the mission is more important-- it’s that he needs to complete the mission so that his beloved can finally rest. He wants to protect them, and protecting them means he has to put his life on the line, unfortunate as it is.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

Jean’s a mother hen to his s/o. He’s always nagging them to eat, sleep, shower and make sure they’re taking care of themselves. He’s always been in tune with the health of other people, and he just naturally wants to make sure that his s/o is in optimal condition. He will literally snap and physically force them to sleep if he needs to. He gets irritated if they’re neglecting themselves due to the fear of them getting hurt or sick.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Yes!! All he wants to do is cuddle. He loves holding his s/o, but he loves being held more. When they run their fingers through his hair and mention a silly hairstyle he could try, he almost considers it. He falls asleep on their chest almost every night. 

If he’s upset, a simple kiss to the cheek or head is enough to bring a small smile back on his face.

His favorite place to be kissed would be his temples. There’s something soothing and homely about soft lips brushing past his hair to linger right above his brow. It’s also a surefire way of inducing drowsiness in him.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Jean just bites the feeling back and swears that he will see his s/o as soon as he can. The idea that they will be waiting for him is enough for him to power on. Occasionally, Jean may doodle them in the margin of a report or in his personal journal. He thinks about what their next date could be and wonders if they ever found that stray cat they mentioned a few conversations ago. He thinks about them and all the things they can do once they’re together, and it’s enough to motivate him.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

He’s literally tryna save the world for them lol

~~~

Based off @snk-warriors​ fluff alphabet prompt

[twstgabrielle]

It wasn't unusual for an angel to be assigned to a human. It was after all their mission to watch over humanity, their father's most beloved creation. Which was why Feliciano hadn't questioned his newest assignment of keeping an eye on a peculiar human. The angel was in charge of keeping an eye on a man named Arthur Kirkland. He wasn't given a reason as to why he was assigned to him other than that Arthur was apparently important in some way, shape or form. So Feliciano determined to fulfill his duties had made his way down to Earth to start his assignment.

He hadn't expected just how terrifying and prickly Arthur could actually be.

Arthur was a rather grumpy man who didn't go out much. With an imitation and a glare that could make even the bravest souls turn away in discomfort or slight fear, it became very clear very quickly just exactly why Feliciano's superiors were vague with his assignment. The angel spent a lot of his time keeping his distance, making sure that Arthur wouldn't come to any harm. But he never revealed himself nor did he get too close for fear of Arthur's wrath despite not being able to see him. This game of sorts continued on for a good few months, with Feliciano keeping his distance and Arthur being his usual critical self. Until one day it all changed.

It had been raining heavily that day. Feliciano had just arrived back to Earth after giving his report to his superiors and was looking for his charge. The angel was in no rush not wanting to be near Arthur quite yet due to his fear of the human. However those desires were quickly forgotten when he felt a sudden pain in his chest making him gasp. A shiver of horror filled him.

Arthur was in trouble.

Feliciano didn't hesitate to fly faster to try and reach him. The angel searched desperately, the stinging pull in his chest guiding him to Arthur. He couldn't help but curse himself for not getting back to the human faster, a hundred thoughts running through his mind as he drew closer to Arthur's location. Feliciano had expected to see a lot of things, but never in his life was he expecting the sight that greeted him. The Italian found Arthur in an abandoned alleyway, surrounded by several other humans who were currently beating him up. The young man was curled up into a ball, and refused to budge from his position. Feliciano felt a feeling of rage fill him at the sight, his fear for once gone. With a snap of his fingers and a beat of his powerful wings Feliciano let out a rush of his angelic power. Trashcans moved and fell over scaring the humans who were beating Arthur up. With swears and terrified shouts they quickly ran out of the alleyway, calling Arthur a freak on their way out.

The Englishman meanwhile didn't bother to move from his curled up position. After all of the humans were gone the angel made his way towards Arthur not bothering to keep his usual distance. Concern filled him as he drew closer and Arthur still hadn't moved. For one terrifying moment the Italian thought that he may have been too late in his rescue when finally Arthur twitched. With a somewhat painful movements Arthur slowly unfurled himself from his position, his face down.

"I think they're gone love."

Arthur's voice spoke through the silence and Feliciano stiffened at it.

'Was Arthur talking to him?? Could Arthur see him?? Oh father-'

Feliciano's thoughts started to go into overdrive until they were thrown into a harsh stop by Arthur's movement. Amber eyes flickering towards the man he finally took notice of Arthur's arms which were cradling something close to his chest. Feliciano's eyes went wide as a small kitten poked its head from Arthur's arms, its large green eyes blinking.

"See? We're safe now. Goodness you sure do cause a lot of trouble don't you poppet?"

Arthur said softly his voice smooth and gentle as he spoke to the small animal. The kitten let out a loud meow, as if it was apologizing to the Englishman. Arthur let out a small huff of painful laughter and slowly started to get up from the ground. Feliciano could only watch, stunned by this side of his usually grumpy and terrifying charge. The Italian was however quickly knocked out of his stunned stupor as Arthur finally lifted up his head. Feliciano sucked in a sharp breath as he took in Arthur.

Green, the greenest of green he'd ever seen met his own amber hues unknowingly.

Bright green eyes that were warm and filled with pain yet relief as well. The angel was frozen by those eyes, unable to look away as he took in the rest of Arthur's features. The Englishman was pale, paler than he originally thought with light freckles all over his cheeks. A pair of rather large eyebrows sat over his eyes. His hair was messier than it usually was and his eye was turning blue with a bruise, his lip split as well. Yet despite looking beaten up Arthur was breath taking.

'He's beautiful.....'

Feliciano thought too immersed with the image before him. The Italian had never noticed any of it, having always kept his distance from his charge due to being afraid of him. Feliciano watched as Arthur cuddled the kitten close to him, a soft smile on his bruised and bloodied face. With a small flinch Arthur began to leave the alleyway unaware of the angel that followed behind him. Feliciano was star struck in a way, everything that he knew about Arthur was suddenly no longer the truth. What was once a man who swore and terrified him was now a man who would let himself get beat up to save a tiny kitten from harm. There was more of Arthur than Feliciano realized and the angel found himself wanting to know more about this strange human. A strange human who now that Feliciano was close enough could see that he had a bright and kind soul underneath the harsh exterior.

As the trio made their way home to get out of the rain Feliciano had unknowingly broken a very old law.

Feliciano Vargas had unwittingly fallen in love with Arthur Kirkland's soul on that cold rainy day. A sin in its own right. And it was that day that Feliciano began to fall from grace, damned for all eternity.

*I'm back with another fic boi-! Ah I'd like to apologize for my absence and radio silence, the holidays and work nearly put me in my grave and I had very little energy to come up with anything lol. Anyways this has been on my mind on and off and I decided to go ahead write it, I'm an absolute sucker for forbidden romances and this troupe is literally my fix shshdgdgd. Sorry if it sucks I tried, also I don't know if I'll continue this but if I do I'll probably rewrite this part again in a better and more professional manner I guess lol. Anyways if any y'all read this I hope you enjoyed it!!!*

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.

[ibijau]

Price of Wishes / on AO3

Nie Huaisang learns a few things and has a mild breakdown over it

It will take a full three weeks for Nie Huaisang to get to Gusu for his second attempt at studying there, because he is such a weak flyer that just attempting the trip on Chiwen would kill him in about a shichen. 

That means three weeks of traveling with Lan Xichen, alone save for two pairs of other Nie disciples. Nie Huaisang must be paying for some crime he committed in a past life. This much time with Lan Xichen, this much time to stress over how the Lan will react to this new young master thrown into their midst… this is going to be torture. 

The first day doesn't go too badly though. Lan Xichen can ride a horse, which is a relief for sure. He also chats quite easily with the other disciples, asking about their lives like he cares, taking time to really listen to their answers. Of course, that too was on Nie Huaisang’s list, but he can't help being a little star struck at how perfect Lan Xichen is. If he were a real person, there's no way Lan Xichen would look twice his way, but he is so kind that sometimes Nie Huaisang almost forgets none of this is real. 

At night, they stop in a small inn on the side of the road. It isn't a very luxurious place, but everything is clean, and there's a pleasant smell coming from the kitchen. The down side is that there aren't a lot of rooms available, so they'll have to share. 

"Since one of the rooms can only take two people, I'll share with Nie gongzi," Lan Xichen offers. "Unless that is objectionable?" 

"Of course not, we trust Lan gongzi," Nie Tianru says with a laugh before Nie Huaisang can object. "And Nie gongzi will behave himself, right?" she adds with a wink. 

Nie Huaisang is mortified, his face aflame. He scampers away to order their dinner, ignoring the snickers of the Nie disciples, and Lan Xichen's gently amused smile. 

They all think he has a crush on Lan Xichen. Even Nie Mingjue does. Which is… it's not wrong. Lan Xichen is everything Nie Huaisang could ever want, except for the fact that he has no choice in this matter. 

Nie Huaisang eats his dinner quickly, and goes to bed at a much earlier hour than he ever would normally. His plan is to jump in bed so he can pretend to be asleep by the time Lan Xichen joins him. It's an excellent plan, but Lan Xichen spoils it by leaving the table at the same time as him and following him to their room. 

As far as inn rooms go, it's not a bad one. Well, Nie Huaisang guesses it's not bad. He barely looks around, half sick with nervousness. It is the first time in his life he's sharing a bedroom with someone outside his family, and of course with this situation, with the reason Lan Xichen exists… nothing between them has been particularly romantic so far, but maybe Lan Xichen was just waiting for the right moment, maybe he'll say something now that they're alone, or try to kiss him, or… 

"Nie gongzi, could I have a word with you?" Lan Xichen asks, suddenly standing far too close to Nie Huaisang. 

Nie Huaisang squeaks and leaps away. 

It's happening. 

Just because he asked for it, it's happening. 

He can't let this happen. 

"Lan gongzi, can't this wait?" he asks nervously. "I'm really tired, and we have to be up early. We don't want to get to Gusu late, right?" 

We don't want to get to Gusu at all, Nie Huaisang thinks, terrified of what will happen if the truth about Lan Xichen is uncovered. He will be in so much trouble. 

"You must miss you uncle and brother after so long," Nie Huaisang babbles, desperate to stop Lan Xichen from saying anything embarrassing. "I know I certainly miss them. Well, I miss Wangji anyway. I don't really miss master Lan. No offence! But, I mean, well, I mean…" 

He trails off, unnerved by Lan Xichen's calm smile. Nie Huaisang, already nervous by nature, keeps losing his cool whenever Lan Xichen smiles like this. 

"Nie gongzi, I'm sure my uncle and brother are wonderful people," Lan Xichen says, his voice deep and soothing. "But we are both aware that I have never actually met them yet, so I cannot say I miss them, that would be a lie." 

Lan Xichen continues smiling peacefully, while Nie Huaisang’s blood turn into ice. The shock of that casual admission is such that his legs start giving under him, and he’d have fallen on the floor if the bed weren’t so close. He stumbles toward it, just barely managing to sit on it before the trembling of his legs becomes too great to stand. Even like this his body feels heavy, and his chest so tight he might just puke out of nervousness.

“What… what are you?” Nie Huaisang manages to ask.

He regrets asking, because Lan Xichen walks closer, kneeling next to the bed so their heads are at the same level. It’s meant as a comforting gesture, Nie Huaisang guesses, but really it’s just terrifying him.

“Are you something evil?” Nie Huaisang insists, all too aware it’s a stupid question to ask. He’s on the verge of tears, and wishes everything could go back to normal… but it’s wishing that got him in trouble in the first place, so that’s probably not a solution, is it?

“I don’t believe I am evil,” Lan Xichen says, lifting his hand to touch Nie Huaisang’s shoulder, only to stop midway when Nie Huaisang flinches. Lan Xichen’s smile falls, replaced by what appears to be sincere concern. “You really fear me so much?”

He sounds disappointed, or hurt, and it’s unfair that he is so handsome because Nie Huaisang can’t ignore him or scream for help, not when this gorgeous young man kneeling before him could be hurt… or hurt others.

“Of course I’m scared!” Nie Huaisang sniffles, his eyes burning with tears he won’t contain much longer. “You… what are you? Why are you here? I don’t understand, it was just… I didn’t think…”

“You prayed to me,” Lan Xichen explains, making Nie Huaisang freeze in terror. “Nobody had prayed to me in so long, and your mind and heart are so strong that for the first time in centuries, I had strength again… but not strong enough to find a person such as the one you were asking for,” he sighs, sounding sincerely sorry. “So I thought that I would offer myself, in exchange for what you promised.”

Tears fall down Nie Huaisang’s cheeks while he laughs almost hysterically. He promised a road, and followers, and then dropped that stupid list about his dream husband. 

Nie Mingjue is going to kill him.

Or else, this god is going to kill him for failing to fulfill his part of the deal.

Either way, he’s so dead. He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s…

“From my point of view, you have already done your part,” Lan Xichen says, his warm voice gentle and careful in answer to Nie Huaisang’s panic. “You made me offerings, and convinced others to do as well. My temple has had its first visitors in many lifetimes. I am very grateful to you, and I will do my best to be everything you wished for in a husband.”

Nie Huaisang laughs harder and sobs just as hard, tears and snot staining his face. This is madness. He’s gone mad. He’s gone completely mad, maybe he’s still lying on the floor of that abandoned mountain temple, ravaged by a fever and slowly dying while hallucinating all this. It would make more sense than what’s happening, than a god talking about marrying him.

But suddenly there’s a hand on his arm, warm even through the fabric, irredeemably solid, a presence such as his mind couldn’t have invented.

Nie Huaisang flinches away from that touch, scrambling back on the bed, putting as much distance as possible between himself and…

“What’s is your… what is my lord’s name?” he asks, hiccuping from crying so hard. “This humble one has been so rude to my lord, this humble one…”

He should get up from this bed, and kowtow. Nie Huaisang is being so rude, it’s a miracle he hasn’t been struck down yet, but just breathing feels like an immense effort, he can barely speak, and if he gets down from the bed he’ll have to get close to this god and he can’t, he just can’t.

Lan Xichen, still kneeling, looks at him with an air of sadness, perhaps even of pain.

“Nie gongzi can continue calling me Lan Xichen,” he says.

“But my lord’s real name…”

“I don’t know my name,” Lan Xichen whispers, his voice so low Nie Huaisang barely hears him, and he looks away as if in shame.

His first prayer in centuries, he’d said earlier, and in the midst of his panic, Nie Huaisang feels some pity. What must it be like to be a god without followers? To be this alone, for this long?

“Is that your only temple?” Nie Huaisang asks, wiping his tears with the back of his hand.

Lan Xichen nods, and lets out a forlorn sigh. “It is my last one,” he admits. “And before you found it, I only had one altar left, in the house of an old woman. But you gave me a new one in your home, you made offerings to me… I was on the brink of death, and you gave me new life, Nie Huaisang. For this I am eternally grateful, and I will repay you.”

Nie Huaisang blinks a few times, and doesn’t notice that he’s finally stopped crying. This is still a huge mess, but he feels a little less terrified now, because the situation is less unequal than he previously thought. He didn’t contract a crushing debt just out of foolishness, and Lan Xichen could probably have found other ways to repay him for that offering in the mountain if Nie Huaisang had been repulsive to him.

“Would you really have married me?” Nie Huaisang asks.

“If you will have me,” Lan Xichen replies, sounding more insecure than any god has a right to be.

Nie Huaisang almost starts laughing again. He certainly can’t fight a manic grin, and feels a few new tears on his cheeks. This is absolute madness.

“I need to think about it,” he sniffles. “I… I know I had this list, but I’m not quite ready to marry yet and I… I don’t really know you, right? I think I’d prefer to know you a little before making a big choice like that.”

“Of course,” Lan Xichen says with a smile. “Nie gongzi is wise not to rush into things.”

“I don’t think that’s a quality people usually associate with me,” Nie Huaisang says, chuckling. Then, feeling a little less anxious now, he scuttles closer to the edge of the bed, toward Lan Xichen. “I’ve really made a huge mess of things… but also… I mean, please don’t be too mad, my lord…”

“Lan Xichen. Or just Xichen is fine.”

“Fine, I can try. Lan Xichen, you’ve made a huge mess too, I think. What are we going to do when we get to the Cloud Recesses? They know that Wangji doesn’t have a brother!”

Lan Xichen doesn’t answer right away, carefully thinking things through. Nie Huaisang, in spite of himself, admires him as he gets so serious, amazed that even the slight crease between his eyebrows is elegant. Truly, only a god could be this handsome, and Nie Huaisang’s heart thumpers wildly in his chest at the thought that he could have such a person as his partner for life, if he just says the word.

“So far, when I’m with you my powers are strong,” Lan Xichen says at last. “I can’t explain it, but you have a very strong mind, and your belief feeds me like that of a thousand people. I think as long as you believe that I can pass as a young master of that sect, nothing should be a problem.”

Nie Huaisang’s cheeks heat up. People have called him stubborn often enough before, but when Lan Xichen says he has a strong mind it feels different. Like it’s a compliment, instead of another item added to the list of his defects. 

“Then that might give us a little extra time to deal with…” Nie Huaisang waves his hands to signify this crazy situation they’re in. “We’ll still need to be careful though, my l… Lan Xichen. I have to say, so far you’re doing very well at impersonating a Lan. Have you met some of them before?”

It would make sense, Nie Huaisang figures. Gusu Lan is a much older sect than Qinghe Nie, and perhaps this god’s territory extended south once, or else maybe some Lan cultivators came near Qinghe, back in the days before there was a sect there to protect common people.

That neat little theory crumbles when Lan Xichen shakes his head.

“I was able to look into your mind for details about that requested husband,” he explains. “I found the man you wanted me to look like, checked the type of dress his sect would have favoured, and hoped for the best.”

“You do look like Wangji,” Nie Huaisang mumbles. “I’m sorry for that, it must be uncomfortable to take a face that’s not yours…”

“I don’t remember what I look like,” Lan Xichen replies in a casual manner. “And this is not a bad face.”

A mix of dread and pity worms its way into Nie Huaisang’s heart. Without really thinking, he slides off the bed to sit crossed legged next to Lan Xichen, and once again observes him.

“You really don’t mind?”

“No. And this,” Lan Xichen gestures elegantly at himself, “pleases you, right?”

“Yes. But… not if it doesn’t please you as well. I… I don’t like that it’s not real,” Nie Huaisang admits, looking down at his legs and fiddling with the edge of his sleeve. “Not just your face, but also… you’re behaving according to my list, right? That’s just… it’s not…”

“If any item on your list had been unbearable to me, I would not have entered a deal with you,” Lan Xichen replies. “But it is a very reasonable list, and I found you wanted a husband similar to what I think I once strived to be. It is no hardship for me to be the sort of man you want.”

“Oh. That’s good if you don’t have to force yourself for that,” Nie Huaisang says. “Still, you’re forcing yourself to be around me.”

At this, Lan Xichen falls silent. He remains quiet long enough that Nie Huaisang risks a glance at his face, only to find Lan Xichen staring at him with great attention, as if he were appraising a painting. It is so embarrassing that Nie Huaisang quickly looks away, mortified to be the center of such focus.

“It is no hardship either to be around you,” Lan Xichen says after another long moment passes. “You have a good heart, and a pleasant personality. It has pained me to feel your fear toward me up until now, but I hope this will be less of an issue from now on. I…” he stops for a moment, looking for words. “I have been alone for a very long time, and I told myself I did not mind. But now I see you chatting with your brother, enjoying your hobbies, and trying your best to do what you think is right and… I am reminded that it is pleasant to be around others. That it is pleasant to be alive. And I hope whether or not you decide to have me as a husband, you will at least have me as a friend. That would bring me great joy.”

Nie Huaisang looks up again, to find Lan Xichen smiling shyly at him, as if unsure whether that request might be rejected. It is a rather odd feeling for Nie Huaisang to have his company desired this way. Sure he gets along with some of the Nie disciples fine, and of course he’s friends with Lan Wangji, but this feels different. The Nie disciples don’t have much of a choice, they have to put up with their young master. As for Lan Wangji, well, it’s the same, he can hardly afford to openly reject the young master of another sect, not when they’re both sect heirs, can he?

But Lan Xichen has a choice. He had a choice in the mountain, when Nie Huaisang dropped that stupid list in front of him. And he has a choice now, when he could just say he’s only doing this because he feels obligated to it.

Lan Xichen has a choice, and he’s choosing Nie Huaisang.

“I also hope we can be friends!” Nie Huaisang says, eagerly grabbing Lan Xichen’s hands for a moment, only to suddenly remember he’s still talking to a god and probably shouldn’t be so familiar. “Ah, sorry, my lord! I just got a little excited here…”

“It’s quite fine,” Lan Xichen replies, grabbing Nie Huaisang’s hands before he can fully pull away. “I don’t mind.”

Nie Huaisang looks away again, wondering if blushing so much is perhaps unhealthy. It’s got to be. It feels mortifying for sure, and also a little irritating. Lan Xichen is just too unbearably perfect, and it is going to be hard to deal with that.

“So, hm, you only know about the Lan because I know about the Lan,” Nie Huaisang says, eager to change the subject to something that will not make his face burn like this. “That could be a problem, because I don’t know that much about them. There’s a reason I failed my tests so badly last year. It’ll be hard to pass you as one of them, unless…”

“Unless?”

Nie Huaisang tears his hands away and jumps to his feet so he can check the qiankun pouches he’s carrying his things in. It takes a few tries before he finds the right one, but before long he sits again on the floor next to Lan Xichen, careful to leave a respectful distance between them as he presents the god with a heavy book.

“Gusu Lan’s rules!” Nie Huaisang announces. “I’m supposed to have learned them by heart, but I really haven’t.”

Lan Xichen gingerly takes the book, a slight frown on his handsome face as he opens it and quickly checks the pages. It is a normal reaction. There’s just too many of those damn rules, it’s unreasonable to expect anyone to remember them all… yet Lan Wangji does, so it figures that a brother of his would as well.

“Nie gongzi, what do you want me to do with this?” Lan Xichen asks.

“Read them, learn them if you can. It’ll help pass you off as a true Lan.”

“Ah,” Lan Xichen says, closing the book. “An excellent plan, certainly, but there is an issue.”

“How so?”

Lan Xichen sighs deeply.

“Nie gongzi, I cannot read.”

[djemsostylist]

Of Queens and Trash

Here’s the thing. SCK has been on a downward trend since 13. The breakup was long, getting together again was tiring, the amnesia plot was poorly handled and the mess that came following his recovery was, well, a mess. The necessary break for covid gave us a chance for a fresh start for Edser. All the bad stuff in the past, and a focus in the last episodes of them being able to finally fulfill all the promises they had not been able to. After all, this was a story that, at its core, was about two people who met and fell in love and who, no matter what, chose to be together. Invisible handcuffs. And with the return of the OG writer, it seemed we might finally get that. After 39 episodes of angst and only 7(?) of real togetherness, surely it was time? Forget the pain of the past, and start with Edser navigating their world together.

And then the trailer dropped. And all of a sudden, all the people who had spent months eviscerating Serkan for behaving badly in the 30s were celebrating this new plot, the “great angst” and Eda “being a Queen.”

For me, I can’t get over the hiding of the child. It's a hardline deal breaker. I don’t think it matters who writes it, I think it's an awful plotline. No matter how "good" the trailer looks or moments seem, I will remember that I was watching a show about two people who loved each other and never wanted to be apart, about a man who learned how to open his heart, and this ruined it all.

Now, I think it's worth noting that my hard line, in this particular case, is in response to Edser, if that makes sense. I’m not hardline, “if this is in a story I’m not watching”. If it works for the characters and story because that is the type of story being told, then fine.

I don't subscribe to the woke feminism brand of "all women are Queens and all men are Trash" which seems to be a trend of late (and not just in fandom). I think people are people and people are generally imperfect but also trying. I don’t think women, simply by virtue of carrying a child, get full say in what happens to the child, regardless of the father’s wishes. I'm not fond of a “hiding a kid storyline”, and while I get the whole "my body my choice" style of arguing, it took two people to make the baby. Two people get a say in what happens. I get you are growing the kid, but you didn't spontaneously conceive.

For me, Edser being apart and/or hiding a kid is a hardline. It doesn't fit with the characters as I know them and it doesn't fit with the storyline. And look--I hated the amnesia plot. I thought there were a literal million ways this could have been done better, but it's what we got. So for everyone suddenly defending this new plot, despite it making about as much sense as Eda getting married to make Serkan remember her, then that means everything goes. No blaming writers or ignoring canon...everything has context and meaning now. And since “it's realistic” is also a common refrain, then fine. Let’s go realistic.

Imagine being in a plane crash. You wake up, you have clear physical/mental blocks. For someone who likes to be in control, that's terrifying. You have a ring on your finger with a woman's name you don't know, and an entire year missing. You call the one person you know will come (since your parents and friends are useless) and she comes and tells you a story that jives. You can't remember shit and you keep getting flashes and your hands won't work, so you take what she tells you, because why would you have any reason to doubt? It’s not like you can remember anyway, and trying to remember hurts.

You finally go back home, and you recognize nothing about your own life. Friends, family...everything is different. Your mom is out, your dad is gone, your best friends are married. You don't even live in the same house, you have people working in your company you don’t know--even your dog is gone. And then you have a hysterical woman throwing pictures in your face of a man you don't recognize and your brain is still foggy and all your friends and family seem to be shrugging their shoulders at you.

You're terrified and alone and all you get is some vagueness about an epic love story and too much emotion and all you want to do is hide. From everything. Plus your heart is doing this thing every time the girl is near and you think you might be dying maybe and remember how your brother died?

So, the girl kisses you, you literally feel like you might be dying, and it's like naw. Fuck this. I'm getting back an ounce of control. So you propose to Selin. I mean you don’t love her and you barely want her but at least she is the same. At least she hasn’t changed, and at least she doesn’t stare at you with the weight of a million expectations that everyone else does. At least she doesn’t look at you and hope to see a man you can’t ever remember being.

But then the girl everyone claims is your soulmate is suddenly engaged to another man, and spends every moment after that claiming she hates you, she is over you, she is better off/happier without you, doesn't need you.

So it's like, okay, what is the truth. Your brain isn't helping, your friends aren't helping, she isn't helping. So you lash out, you close off, because really, what else is left. Your life isn’t your life, your mind isn’t your mind, you can’t even figure out what’s real and what isn’t. And she’s getting married and you want to die but she’s getting married and surely if she loved you she wouldn’t be doing this?

And then you get your memories back. Finally. Everything comes flooding back ,and it's a lot. You cope in shitty ways, you don't respond well, etc. You’ve returned from the dead twice, and everything feels just slightly off, but maybe you can make this work. At least you have her. After a few days, you’re feeling like your old self. You've got your memories, your girl, the possibility of the future you had snatched twice, and then BOOM. She rejects you, out of nowhere.

Won't talk, won't communicate, you have no idea what the fuck is happening. She’s crying and sad but also not leaving but also not staying and your brain can’t quite work things out but all you can do is promise that you love her, only her, always her, forever. Surely she must know that by now, right?

And then she tells you about the baby. You can't remember the sex of course, but then you find out it probably happened while your brain was fucked, and you barely have time to process this before oh yeah the love of your life is leaving you bc she would rather you raise a baby with your rapist. And suddenly you might be dying, again.

But you stop her. You stop her and even though she says she didn’t come back for you, why else would she have stayed? So, you finally get her back, she tattoos you on her finger and maybe just maybe everything will be fine when BOOM. Cancer. You aren't even over the other shit, and you have a fucking tumor. You are 30 years old, you've survived a plane crash, amnesia, and now you have a tumor. How many times can a person die?

And so you don’t cope well. You withdraw, you back away. Your brother died when he was young, you know what that does to a person. You know what it did to your family. You have this fear that curls around your heart that says “but what if she becomes my mother.” And she goes. She leaves and she takes your heart and your child (that you don’t even know about) and it’s like...fuck. Again. Because everyone leaves you, eventually. And somehow, it’s always your fault.

So, what I'm saying is, Eda endured a lot, sure. She was hurt. Their breakup in 14 was hard and I’m not denying that (although there is another post I could write about how since Eda never actually uses her words to tell him how she feels he can, perhaps, be understood in assuming that breaking up after barely being together would hurt but also that she would move on and live her life happily without him. Which I guess season 2 proves…) Losing Serkan to an accident/amnesia was hard, looking at the body of the man she loves but not seeing the man she loves must have been agony. But Serkan was fucking wrecked. So instead of choosing to write a plot where they both get to heal, where they both get to explore their pain and work through it together, we get Serkan who reverted to being a robot to cope with massive trauma and PTSD, and essentially is abandoned by everyone, again.

I guess what I'm saying is, if staying with him and supporting him when he was dealing with trauma was too much for her, then fine.That is very true for some people, and it’s certainly realistic. But I don't really think that jives with Eda and her character, and while it isn't a trauma competition, I'd still think Serkan comes out a winner here. Eda lost her parents, which was awful. She lost him, but she got him back. Twice. His trauma is losing his brother, being abandoned by his parents, a plane crash, amnesia, emotional manipulation/abuse and cancer. And then he gets punished by having his daughter taken away from him because he was having a hard time coping. Keeping a kid a secret isn't "protecting the child" it's punishing the father.

Tl;dr The direction they have taken the characters is gross for both mains, but if people are trying to justify Eda keeping his child from him because “he deserves it” or “she did what was best for her” then I think we maybe haven’t been watching the same show. Even if he said “I don’t want kids,” saying that to a hypothetical child is very different then being told “a baby is very much our reality.” Because that's the crux right? It's not that he decided he just didn't want to be a father ever, he's scared of having a family and losing them or of them losing him. And then she made that very fear be realized. Which is tragic and quite the opposite of what his life partner needed to do in that situation.

Bitte.

Thanks to @lolo-deli for the proofread and the final lines, you are the best. And for putting up with my uncontrollable ranting about this for days.

[nanasparadise]

"Happiness” Yan! Narancia x female reader

Yandere Narancia was suggested to me by @wedypopcytragedy. Thank you so much for the request, I hope you enjoy it! <3

Summary: Darling tells Narancia that she’s going to move in with her boyfriend. Let’s just say he doesn’t take this too kindly…

TW: kidnapping, drugging, noncon touching, unhealthy relationship, slight guilt tripping, MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY/MINORS DNI

I do not condone any yandere behaviour in real life.

Narancia has been aged up, expect him to be in his early twenties (no minor content on my blog)

Word count: 2401

“Please Y/N, don’t leave now!”, the raven-haired young man cried out. He looked at you with purple pleading eyes that always reminded you of a lost puppy. Usually his orbs contained nothing but appreciation for you, but now they overflood with desperation. An uncommon darkness coated them, yet you couldn’t really pinpoint the emotion. Was it sadness? Anger? You didn’t care for now what it was, the only thing that mattered was that his eyes utterly terrified you. 

“What had happened?, you thought with astonishment. Narancia was typically very sweet and funny. Of course you were aware of his short temper, which caused his rage to flare up sometimes, but you had never felt scared of him before. 

You were currently in Narancia’s home and you had told him about your boyfriend with whom you decided to move in. This had made the young Italian so mad that he suddenly had started screaming at you. 

“How could you do this to me?”, he had cried out, “Since when do you even have a boyfriend? Why didn’t you even tell me about him?”

 In fact, you hadn’t revealed your relationship status to him because of this kind of behaviour. You knew that Narancia was very clingy and that he didn’t understand boundaries. Even though his lack of personal space had always bothered you, you never had said anything. You hadn’t wanted to hurt your friend’s feelings, especially since you were aware of his tragic past. Narancia had always been abandoned by the ones he had loved. But today, you decided to finally reveal your new flat and your boyfriend to him, hoping that he actually might not cause a scene and that he even might feel happy for you. This hadn’t of course occurred… Instead, after his fit of rage, he had become desperate. He still was glued to you, his arms entrapping you fully. 

“Y/N,” Narancia murmured softly, yet with a sad tone swinging in his voice, in your hair, “you know I’ve always loved you, right? Since I first saw you I knew that there couldn’t be anyone else in my life to fill in the void inside of me. You just make me so unbelievably happy.” 

“Narancia”, you said remorsefully, guilt nibbling on your heart for not having been truthful to him since the beginning. To your defence, you weren’t aware of his romantic feelings towards you, you just had assumed that his clinginess was the way how he expressed his platonic affection to everyone important in his life. The black-haired man quickly interrupted you.

“And I know you feel just the same to me. No one can make you laugh like I do, no one can listen to you like I do and no one will ever love you like I do.” What did he just say? Suddenly, you felt his arms tightening around your form. Your breath shortened as fear started flowing through your veins. 

“What is going on?”, you thought horrified, “Why does he sound completely delusional?” You tried to wiggle yourself out of the embrace, but his grasp was hard as steel. You couldn’t even move a tiny speck. “Maybe if I reason with him, he’ll let go.” 

“Narancia,” you repeated again, trying to hide the tremble in your voice as much as possible, “I’m really sorry for having hurt you. I wasn’t aware that you feel like that. Still, that doesn’t excuse the fact that I should have told you about my boyfriend earlier.” His already vice grip tightened even more at the mention of your significant other. You continued talking nevertheless. “I am flattered by your affection, really, but I see you as my friend, Narancia. As I said before, I just moved in with my partner and I’m currently having a fulfilling and happy relationship with him. Which means I can only offer you my friendship, nothing more…” You could feel, due the proximity, how his whole body stiffened. His purple eyes bored into yours, a  strange variety of emotions swirling in them: anger, disappointment, sadness and… love? To your surprise though, he finally let go of you. Narancia sighed deeply and just stood there for a few moments. “This silence is so untypical for him,” you noticed. Normally, the young man was full with energy, always moving and talking. After this quiet, Narancia finally spoke up. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I just thought you might leave me like the others did. But if staying by your side means only being friends with you, then I gladly accept that.” He flashed an apologetic grin at you. You were surprised by his sudden change in attitude, to say the least. 

“Wow, that didn’t take a lot of convincing,” you thought, happy about the positive outcome. 

“Should I grab you something to drink? I would actually like to hear more about your… boyfriend while we’re drinking something”, Narancia suggested with a smile on his face, though you didn’t fail to notice how he hesitated at the mention of your significant other. Wanting to believe in his change of heart you decided to simply ignore it. The Italian came back with two glasses of soda, giving you one eagerly. You took it gratefully, as you were indeed thirsty, and immediately drank most of it already. For some reason, Narancia looked at you with expectation. You assumed it was because he wanted to hear some details about your relationship as he had said earlier, so you started talking. But for some reason, your voice came out slurred and it was difficult for you to speak properly. 

“What is happening?”, you managed to phrase with effort. 

“It’s alright,” Narancia cooed at you, gently guiding you towards the couch, “just rest a bit for now, hm? I’m staying by your side.”

When you woke up, you noticed your throbbing head at first. You felt hazy, as if you were caught in an ever spinning carousel. 

“How did I end up like that?”, you thought, being totally confused. You massaged your temples, trying to diminish the dizziness. Next, you checked out your surroundings. You lay on a cosy double bed, sheets draped over your body. The rest of the bedroom was kept very minimalistic: a dresser, a TV with a game console, some shelves filled with video games, CD and books and a soft pastel orange rug decorated the space. A big window was on the wall on your left. Due to that window, you figured out that you were stuck in a flat that was at least on the third floor. The furniture appeared to be simple, yet quite expensive. How did you, a college student who worked as a waitress additionally,  wake up in such a luxurious flat? And most importantly, what were you doing here in the first place? When you felt your headache calm down a bit, you dared stand up and explore the room. You couldn’t remember what happened prior to being here. 

Nervously, you stumbled out of the comfortable bed. You looked at the content of the shelves, being surprised that, in fact, all the games, CDs and books were the ones you enjoyed.

 “Does that mean something?”, you asked yourself quietly. A strange feeling of fear began to rise in your stomach. You quickly went over to the dresser and opened it. As you dreaded. It was filled with clothes that matched perfectly your size and style, some of them even being the ones you missed in your own apartment. “How?”, you whispered terrified, your eyes being as big as saucers now. As panic flooded your senses, you rushed over to the door. You grabbed the door handle, about to push it down… but to your disappointment, the door remained stubbornly closed. The terror, already settled in your body, only amplified. “Why am I locked in here?”, you shouted, on the brink of a panic attack. 

“Calm down, Y/N,” a tiny voice in your head said to you, helping you to regain some reason, “if you continue making noises, your captor might show up and harm you.” So you slowly but steadily composed yourself. You looked around the bedroom, hoping to find something to break the door open or to climb out the window. After what felt to you like hours of searching for something useful – unsuccessfully, to your dismay – the door finally opened. A young man with raven hair and purple eyes entered. You immediately recognised the person in front of you. 

“Narancia?”, you blurted out, perplexed. Was it really… no, he could impossibly be your kidnapper, not your sweet Narancia, right?

“Oh, you’re awake Y/N! I knew I heard some noise coming from here,” the young man replied innocently while rubbing his neck in a sheepish manner, “Are you feeling alright? I hope you like the room, I wasn’t sure about the colour scheme so I kept it simple, but I bought all the stuff you like!” He flashed one of his signature grins to you. You couldn’t believe what he just had said. Your closest friend did this to you? 

“Narancia, where did you bring me? And what am I doing here in the first place?”, you asked as calmly as possible. Even though you were scared to death right now, you didn’t want to initiate a reason for him to be angry as you were completely aware of your disadvantageous position. The Italian man stared at you with a look you could only describe as infatuation. 

“Y/N,” he replied with an unusual tenderness in his voice, “I know you’re confused now, but you’re safe here with me. I brought you to a flat that’s property of Passione. No one will find you here.” His last sentence sent chills down your spine. 

“But why?”, you whimpered desperately. Your composure fell altogether. How could you stay calm when you were stuck with this maniac? 

“Because I love you. I adore you so much, every little detail about you: how you bite your bottom lip when you ponder on a topic for college, how your eyes twinkle when you talk about your favourite book, how you get all flustered when I give you a compliment. It’s all so innocent, so authentic. You make my heart flutter like no one else ever could. How could you expect me to not act when you’ve told me you moved in with that pest? I can’t let you throw this,” he gestured with his hands between the two of you, “away. You are the person that will never abandon me.” Narancia’s voice suddenly became much darker, sinister intentions hiding behind it. Your fear made it hard to respond. You slowly swallowed the lump that built inside your throat. 

“D-did you plan this out?”, you finally managed to say, though you couldn’t mask the stuttering, “I saw some of my clothes…” 

“Cara, you are being smart as always”, Narancia laughed. It’s true that the man held your education and intelligence high, as he never had the privilege to work on his own mental capacities, at least not without being threatened by Fugo. “But you’re right. I couldn’t stand the thought of being separated by you any longer… and your little show with your boyfriend,” he spitted that word out with hatred and disgust, “just was the perfect moment to act. Now we’re never going to be apart, not as long as I breath.” Upon hearing the last sentence, you fainted. Your mind just couldn’t deal with this delusional and insane man. So you were greeted by darkness again…

When you woke up for the second time today, you found yourself on the bed again. But this time, Narancia was next to you, his arms resting around your waist. His warm, steady breath tickled your ear, indicating that he was sleeping. Immediately, a wave of panic washed over you. Should you run away now? No, he probably did lock the door again… 

“But that means the key must be in the room!” This sudden realisation made hope blossom in your chest. Gaining some confidence from this sensation, you dared move around. You halted your movement for a  moment, observing if Narancia would wake up. But, lucky for you, the Italian continued his slumber. You slowly climbed out of the bed, concentrating on making as less noise as possible. Once your feet touched the floor, you scanned the room around it. It was dark outside now, the pale moon being the only light source. You tried your best to see in this obscurity. 

“Where would he hide the key?”, you thought intensely. You decided to search through the dresser first. You shook every single piece of clothing and threw it back in the dresser, leaving a mess behind. “Nothing here….”, you realised with disappointment. But it was still too soon to give up. Next, you checked out the rug. You were about to look under it as a voice made you freeze.

“Y/N?”, Narancia asked with a confused lilt in his voice, still being tired. Upon seeing that you tried to escape, the male quickly shook off his sleep. In a matter of seconds he was standing next to you, grabbing your wrists. You screamed from the top of your lungs, fear manifesting itself again. “Y/N, please, calm down!”, Narancia shouted back, tears pricking in his purple eyes, “I’m not going to hurt you! I’d never hurt you, so please, stop screaming. But you’ve got to see that I can’t just let you go like that… not when I know that I can make you so happy, just as happy as you make me. And I can protect you, too! This is all for you, every tiny thing I do is for you.”

 Narancia proceeded then to take you in his arms, stroking your hair and kissing the top of your head. Meanwhile, you were sobbing uncontrollably. His seemingly reassuring touch just made you quiver even more. The young man seemed to be oblivious to this though, only hugging your shivering form even harder. “Shh, babe, everything is alright. Let’s get to bed again and tomorrow we’ll play your favourite video game to cheer you up. That’ll help you”, Narancia  cooed into your ear. You just continued crying. Did anyone notice your disappearance yet? Would your friends, your family, your boyfriend, ever find you? Or was this now your destiny, being caged in by your obsessive former best friend?

[johns-prince]

TW for eating disorders, etc.

John OP here. Thanks for the beautifully written answer. I appreciate the honesty and in fact, you make very good points. I doubt I'd be the best influence on someone like John when it came to body image because we seem too alike in that department. I was a teenager in the size zero hysteria of the early 00s and this probably shaped my sense of aesthetics. I'm more relaxed about that now but my eye still responds to a certain look on people. I can't help it. I had my own "Fat Beatle" episode and I could tell how it all changed when I shed the weight. It didn't really matter how or whether I was miserable, I just looked the "right" way and people would let me know. It's possible I projected it all on poor John. But I know he'd relate to that in many levels.

I'm not a fan of the "rat man" thing either. I know people mean well and I try to look at it with humor but it does bother me. Mostly because the stans of the other boys are very positive about them and I'd like that for John too. His looks were a major part of his struggle so I know he'd be crushed watching everyone praising his mates (especially Paul) while he gets to be the fucking rat, you know? As I have mentioned before, you can feel it even on fanfiction. Even the writers who seem more John inclined will go on for pages about how pretty Paul (which he is, of course) and how lucky John was to be with him. Like it was a favor or something. That when the stories don't keep pushing that tired trope about Crazy John crushing on pretty but Immovable Sexuality Paul. That's not really my cup of tea tbh.

In the end I'm just happy to start this discussion

with intelligent people who will bring their opinions to the table respectfully. I hope my previous comment didn't trigger anyone or came across as worse than I hoped. If that was the case, I'd like to apologize, it really wasn't my intention.

Darling, don't fret. You've really nothing to be sorry about. One reason why I relate to John is because I have issues with bulimia to this day, and can experience hardcore body dysmorphia at the worst of times dues to my insecure and self hatred towards my body. I get it.

I remember that, vaguely at least, the whole size zero thing. I do, that was such a strange phenomenon, because it takes a certain body type to fit it naturally, or... Y'know, starving yourself.

Anyway, I think we all sort of project on our favorite boy, and we all sort of see ourselves in them too. You wouldn't be the first, and certainly won't be the last.

Yeah, I completely understand how you feel. Maybe I'm just overreacting, maybe I don't have a sense of humor, but I'm inclined to feel protective over John, and I feel like if you know about John's insecurities and struggles with himself in regards to his physical appearance, why... Would you yourself find it a silly and relatively harmless thing to apparently joke about calling him things like that, idk like I said I don't see anyone else really making such snide comments and quips when it comes to the other three. So at what time did the bandom just agree it was an acceptable thing to do towards John?

Whatever, people can do and say what they like y'know free country an' all, but I don't have to approve of it or like it.

Real talk, I low-key I am guilty of writing in that way but I primarily do it as if John feels that way, or thinks it, or feels it. Due to his insecurity and self doubt, the fear that he'll always be abandoned by those he holds dear and loves, the fear that it's all just too good to be true for him-- that's why I ever write a scene when it comes to Paul, that it's just John's way of thinking, not seeing his own worth, and ends up sort of idolizing those individuals (listen John once compared Paul to a religion that he knew/had so I feel like he idolized and saw Paul in this 'oh God he's too perfect oh no' sort of light, which both terrified and fed into the 'paul's going to leave me one day he'll figure it out that he doesn't need me I'm not enough' sort of mindset too) he just had a bit of a habit doing that to those he held intimately dear, until... They let him down or proved his insecurities and doubts right, that in the end they all leave him and don't actually love him. It's a cruel self fulfilling prophecy in a sense, since John, either consciously or subconsciously, put relationships and people through tests to see if they could withstand him and his antics, if they'd stay loyal, if they'd still love him. Sometimes he'd just push people away, and then feel like they just up and abandoned him...

I'm rambling. Anyway the point, your point, still stands! Their relationship shouldn't be written as one doing the other a favor for liking them and being with them! Maybe in reality people did think Paul was doing not only John a favor for being his partner but also a favor to everyone else, because John had Paul and Paul could be seen as the one handling John's lead. It's kind of like how some peer at John's art school thought Cynthia had done them all a favor for taking John.

I don't like that. John isn't some problem to be passed onto someone who must then bear the burden of him. That's just... Wrong. And I think both Cynthia and Paul would think so too. John could be challenging but geez, it shouldn't be made out like anyone who loved John and wanted to be around him and be with him was just some sort of favor to the world or to him.

If anything John and Paul were both extremely lucky to have found each other-- it's not exactly common for soulmates to find each other, especially at such a young age? Please. Most of us will never, which is common.

Like the crushing went both ways lol if anything it's Paul who crushed first-- while John never mentioned it, Paul had brought up how he'd noticed John long before meeting him at the Fete. They had even briefly talked at a newspaper shop which Paul had been working at. He'd see John on the streets, he'd notice him riding on the top deck of buses, or in line at the fish and chips-- he'd try and steal glances at John when he'd notice him on the same bus! Paul was instantly drawn to this tough looking teddy with big sideboards and greased hair and the drainies and a roguish air about him. He was like a schoolgirl with a crush, and he didn't even know this boy. Yet.

If anything it's Paul who noticed John first, and started crushing on John first. Then they finally were introduced at the local Fete, and that was it for both of them.

And let's be real John might've been a bit crazy, but Paul loved him, loved his touch of crazy. And Paul might be immoveable heterosexuality, but that goes straight out the window when it comes to John, and only John it appears.

So yeah, I get where you're coming from, and your grievances and perspective.

I'm glad you decided to share it with me! Sorry about my rambling (• ▽ •;)