#he too is lying to abby. he does not think she’s a lovely or honest girl.

[crucible-memes-4-salem-teens]

danforth: now abby, i’m sure you’re an honest and lovely girl—

abby: thank you, sir. if i weren’t under oath i’d return the compliment.

[heart-of-the-morningstar]

I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE FNAF MOVIE AND I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS

✨ Non-spoiler section ✨

I had such a fun time with this movie! There were a ton of Easter eggs I caught and I’m sure there’s a few that I missed! My best advice for anyone wanting to see this movie is don’t take it super seriously, you’ll enjoy it more! The makers of this film weren’t lying when they said that they made this movie for the fans, I do feel like fans will enjoy this movie way more than a general audience and that’s perfectly fine! It’s campy at some parts and funnier than I thought it would be, but that’s what made it so fun! Now for the nitty-gritty…

❌ SPOILERS BELOW ❌

What I liked…

• First off, Matthew Patrick is a fucking LIAR! He does have a cameo in the movie, he says his iconic “That’s just a theory” line which was great! He’s a waiter at a diner, which leads me to my next point

• The diner was named “Sparky’s”, which I feel like only OG fans will get the reference. But for those of you who don’t know, back when FNAF 1 came out, there was a rumor of a secret/rare animatronic in the game called Sparky the Dog. There was a fake image floating around showing him standing in the door to parts and service. This was later confirmed to be fake. BUT! In the movie they also have a dog-looking animatronic in the parts and service room which absolutely took me out lol

• Acting was great! Everyone was fun to watch, Josh Hutcherson was a great lead as Mike and Piper Rubio was so sweet as Abby but I gotta give my props to Matthew Lillard towards the end of the movie, he looked like he was having so much fun being this unhinged monster! Speaking of…

• There is a spring lock scene!! It is real!! And God was it cathartic to watch! Obviously being PG-13, they couldn’t do blood and guts galore, but I think they managed to pull it off pretty well! Afton’s scene was definitely my favorite in the film hands down! And yes, he gets his “I always come back” line which put 5 years back on my life if I’m being honest lmao

• There is blood in this movie! Not a gratuitous amount, but it was enough for what they were going for I think! The kills of the people breaking to Freddy’s were more entertaining to watch than I thought! Especially Freddy’s kill…that caught me completely off guard lmao

• There aren’t too many jumpscares but that was fine with me! They do this repeat jumpscare with a little figurine of Balloon Boy like 3 times and I thought it was funny every time! They do a really good job with tension in this movie!

• The animatronics!!!! LOVED THEM!!!! They were so detailed and well designed, they were so fun to watch!! The Jim Henson company did an absolutely stellar job with the designs, I want to hug them 🥺

• So the story…I thought it was fine! They do stray from canon by making Vanessa Afton’s daughter in the movie instead of Mike being his son. They do confirm Afton was the one who kidnapped and killed Mike’s brother Garrett. The story is kind of left open ended as if they could continue the story (which I hope they do), but I think it leaves a more or less satisfying ending!

• There’s a minor mid-credit scene with Cory Kenshin and a secret message at the very end of the credits. I couldn’t hear it well but it’s spelled-out letters exactly like the ones from the death minigames in FNAF 2

• Yes, The Living Tombstone’s FNAF song is in the end credits, I felt my soul leave my body 😭

Minor Negatives…

• The story is slow at the beginning, it takes a little bit for anything super interesting to take place

• There are some plot points that don’t get explained or resolved (which is par for the course for FNAF) but that leads me to believe that they want to make sequels which I am all here for

• The Aunt Jane character wasn’t super important, she was fine, but she was there just to serve as an antagonist to Mike for a whole 5 minutes of the movie, if that

• I wanted so much more Afton/Spring Bonnie time, it was too short for me but I am happy with what I got. Also, he didn’t wear any purple in the movie which I think is a crime 😂

• Kind of wish there was an R rated version of this movie even though FNAF isn’t known for being bloody and gory, but some parts felt a little tame

• Also please correct me if I’m wrong but, they didn’t use the Toreador March music at all?? If I missed it, please tell me but I was waiting to hear it and it never came from what I remember

Speculation…

• So the biggest plot issue for me was that they never explained Afton’s intentions for killing. I think fans of the games know why he’s killing, but the general audience won’t. I’m sure it has something to do with the saw blade machine that tries to stuff your head into Freddy’s head. But it wasn’t clear. Vanessa never gave us a straight answer either even though she was in on it from the beginning.

• Towards the beginning of the movie, Abby is shown to be talking to her “invisible friend”, this is before Mike is hired as Freddy’s security guard. Turns out that friend is the ghost kid who possess Golden Freddy/Fredbear (again, isn’t clear lol). I wanna know why that kid showed up before Mike and Abby even went to the location??

• I may be reading too much into this, but when Mike goes in to get a new job after being fired from his mall security guard job, he’s talking to “Steve” and Steve does something interesting. He’s berating him for his inability to hold down a job, the he looks at his name on the file and just goes “…Mike S…” and just, doesn’t finish saying his name. He looks at Mike really weird like he’s trying to find something, and then just completely changes the subject. IDK, I’ll probably have to watch it again, and I think it would be a stretch to go the “Mike Afton” route especially since they established Vanessa was his kid. But ya never know with FNAF 😂

• Also the secret message that was spelled out at the end of the credits. If any of y’all know what they spelled, please tell me because I could not figure it out! I would love to know what it said!

Conclusion…

I just had a blast with this movie! I wasn’t sure what to expect with this movie but I think Blumhouse and everyone who worked on this movie did an amazing job, you can tell they put so much heart and soul into this! I will patiently be awaiting the announcement of the next movie until then!

Rating - 8.5/10

[lucky-dreamfisher]

Queer Subtext in The Illusion of Living - Part 5/5

It’s time to address the elephant in the room: Henry.

Joey tries very, very hard to ‘no homo’ his relationship with the man:

“His presence was helpful, I can happily admit, but his absence was even more so. Not having him at the studio ended up being one of the best things that could have happened to it. Of course, the funny thing is, I couldn't have not had him without having him in the first place. Just like you can't appreciate the light if you haven't spent time in the dark, so too does a person's absence become clear only if he has been around.” TIOL, page 154

“A letter from Henry. You might not think I'd keep such a thing, but I do. I have no ill will toward the man as you know. Him leaving, as I said, was the best thing that could have happened to the studio. His letter reminds me of that.” TIOL, page 218

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

The only hint we get regarding Joey’s true feelings for Henry is the following note by Nathan:

“NateA: Joey has always been a professional person, far more so in many ways than me. That is why this section of the book is so forgiving of the man who abandoned the studio he helped create. Joey can't help but see the good in people. That being said, as a good friend of Joey's, I know that Henry's departure was a great upheaval for him and a great personal betrayal. Joey never truly forgave Henry, and I don't think he should have felt obligated to. The fact that Joey is so gracious in this part of the book is a reflection of his incredible generosity in allowing Henry Stein to be stainless in the eyes of history. I think, had he lived longer, Joey might have in later years called it his greatest illusion.” TIOL, page 155

I’m very surprised by the harshness in Nathan’s tone here. Especially since Henry appears to believe that he and Joey have parted on good terms, and Joey admits that they have continued to exchange letters for a while after Henry’s departure. We’ve also seen Henry’s note to Joey in the game, and it comes across as warm and supportive:

It really doesn’t sound like anything ugly happened between him and Joey. So then why are both Joey and Nathan convinced that Henry is a monster?

While I can believe that Joey is pathetic enough to consider anyone who slights him his worst enemy, Nathan comes across as a more level-headed person. So for him to voice his approval for Joey’s petty grudge must mean that he knows something that we don’t. But what could it be?

Honestly, nothing else comes to mind except for romantic heartbreak. It’s the only thing that could justify a man holding such a deep grudge for so many years. This isn’t Joey’s first friendship that grew apart over the years - his army friends have moved on with their life as well. It’s a normal part of life and there’s nothing in TIOL that would suggest Joey is unable to cope with that. We also know that the studio did fine for quite some time after Henry’s departure, so it’s not like Henry left Joey deep in debt. Henry wasn’t even the only animator at the studio:

“When the studio opened I surrounded him with artists of all skill levels, and the Writing Department had its own de facto leader in Mr. Hemmings, and so the whole of Creative was well managed for that first year of the company before I had to part ways with Henry.“ TIOL, page 155

And so we’re left with only one rational explanation: that Joey isn’t so much hurt by Henry leaving his job, as by the fact that Henry left specifically for the sake of his marriage.

Try as I might, I found no reference to Linda in TIOL. Even though Joey claims to have been friends with Henry for many years, he makes zero mention of ever having met Linda. While there are some hints that Henry wasn’t yet married to her at the time when he and Joey opened the studio together (such as the fact that he claims he hasn’t seen her in “days” even though he presumably slept at home, implying that he and Linda weren’t living together at the time. A shopping list among his notes in the Handbook also suggests that he cooked his own meals, which would be unusual for a married man with a demanding job), the two were already a couple by then, and must have known each other for a while already. Surely, as Henry’s friend, Joey would have met her?

Even when talking about Henry leaving, Joey uses a cryptic language:

“Henry left for his own reasons, and the correspondence between us became less and less. To be honest, it was almost like a weight off when he left. He had grown more sensitive as the studio became more successful and giving him pep talks had become exhausting for me. All the good qualities he brought, the hard work and diligence, were being undermined by a restless need for something different. Something that wasn't Bendy. I will never understand that drive. Bendy was and is perfection.“ TIOL, page 177

In DCTL Norman claims that Henry left to spend time with his wife. Why doesn’t Joey say that? It doesn’t make him look bad to admit that an employee left to enjoy a quiet family life. It’s almost like he refuses to acknowledge Linda’s existence at all. Like it’s too painful for him to speak of her.

Perhaps the “personal betrayal” that Nathan is referring to is related to Henry choosing a real family, over the “studio family”, and the possibility of having a real child, as opposed to a fictional one?

The symbolic image of Bendy as a child shows up multiple times in the game: for example the drawing from Henry appears to depict Bendy, Alice and Boris as a happy family, with Bendy holding onto their hands like a child would:

There’s also Alice using a womb imagery to describe the ink machine:

And of course, the final monologue is centered on Henry’s choice to pursue a family:

That monologue is very interesting if we assume Joey to be gay. Because a gay man would never have been able to follow Henry’s road. Gay!Joey could never choose to have a real family with a man he loved, because that option was denied to him by the homophobic society he was living in. The studio is the closest thing to a family that gay!Joey could ever hope to have. 

And evidently, that was not enough for Henry.

If Joey’s indeed gay, that must have felt incredibly unfair to him - knowing that he had no chance of happiness in marital bliss from the start, through no fault of his own. This would explain his desire to create a real, living, breathing Bendy, no matter the cost, just to prove to Henry that Joey’s “child” can be just as real as the one Linda could give him.

“Bendy was Joey's child, and he felt just as strongly about Bendy as I feel about my flesh-and-blood son.“ TIOL, page 2

This idea of an illusory choice very much resembles the choice between the Angel Path and the Devil Path in Chapter 3. It’s the only choice that Henry ever gets to make in the game, yet no matter which way he chooses, he still ends up in the same corridor. Some of the golden messages highlight his helplessness:

The symbolic meaning of the choice between the Angel and the Devil also shows up TIOL. There’s a scene in the book, where Joey writes a play about an Angel and a Devil fighting over the soul of a human man. Eventually, the Devil confesses that he doesn’t want the human to make his choice, because then one of them would have to leave. The play was supposed to end with the man making his choice, but according to Joey they lacked a third actor, so the ending was never played out.

I believe that the play is symbolic of the relationship between Henry and Joey, specifically with regards to Henry choosing a relationship with Linda over his friendship with Joey.

There are several reasons that lead me to believe this:

The human in the play making a choice between the Angel and the Devil is reminiscent of Henry choosing between Devil Path and Angel path in BATIM.

The play highlights that the Devil is on the left side of the human, while the Angel is on his right side:

“ANGEL: Spending my time with a devil has been an enlightening experience. Working with you over these years with you sitting on that left shoulder, so far and yet so near, all our debates, they were invigorating for the spirit. 

DEVIL: I won't miss you! Fighting all the time, trying to trick you into agreeing with me, trying to push you off that right shoulder of yours. The violence and the anger. I won't miss it at all!”, TIOL page 89

Much like the Devil Path is on the left side in the game, while the Angel path is on the right side:

The Devil is obviously a stand-in for Bendy. Joey even dances on the stage at one point, and one of Bendy’s nicknames is “The Dancing Demon”. Joey also claims that the Devil from the play was an inspiration for Bendy:

“Let's start with the basic idea of a cartoon.You need a main character. Someone who has adventures and who the audience relates to." I did. I needed that. I needed a character who didn't just reflect the general population back to itself, but a more exciting version. I had no interest in moralizing, besides I didn't think moralizing was particularly realistic. People don't see the world as one populated by do-gooders. I thought of the angel in my play. She could never be a lead character. The devil on the other hand…” TIOL, 165

The fact that Joey claims the ending was never played out is strongly reminiscent of the missing ending of the Tombstone Picnic

It’s possible that Joey is lying about the ending not having been played out, to hide Henry’s role in the success of the play, much like he removed his part in Tombstone Picnic. After all, what would be the point of writing a play for 3 actors, when you only have 2? Why not ask someone to play the 3rd?

Although the play itself is centered more on the relationship between the Devil and the Angel, rather than their relationship with the human, there is still a strong queer symbolism in the play:

“Abby shifted nervously next to me the whole evening. She was in a dress for the first time in a long time, white and soft. I was pleased she'd come in character. For my part the only red thing I owned was a garish bow tie, so that was all I was able to contribute visually.” TIOL, page 82

The angel is played by a woman, who usually wears men’s clothing, but of course, the Angel being a symbol of Christian values couldn’t possibly be portrayed breaking the gender norms. She had to wear a dress, though Abby is clearly uncomfortable in it. She’s essentially performing heteronormative feminity. Next to her we have Joey as the Devil, dressed in a red bow tie, which as I’ve mentioned in the first part of this analysis, used to be a symbol of homosexuality. 

This contrast between the uncomfortably heteronormative Angel and flamboyantly queer Devil is striking. It’s also very much in line with the views of the society in the 1920s. For something to be the symbol of purity and goodness, it has to be heterosexual, and the Devil is queer, because he’s also the symbol of sin.

That symbolism could be indicative of Joey’s own internalized homophobia. Back in his army days, his friends used to bully him for breaking gender norms. Joey likes to present himself as the hero, who was easily able to outsmart the bullies, but many of his later remarks in the book and in DCTL show that some of that attitude has left a deep mark on him.

The symbolism could also be intentional. Joey boasts about having personal ties to Noel Coward, a real life gay playwright, who was known for his many affairs with men, and for putting an ungodly amount of queer symbolism in his works:

“The old woman took a liking to me, and she was nice enough. Besides, her connections were incredible. She knew everyone, she even had the playwright Noel Coward come to stay with her whenever he was in town.” TIOL, page 144

There’s a lot of evidence pointing to the play being symbolic of Henry’s choice between his relationship with Linda and with Joey. But it’s also symbolic of Henry’s choice between Bendy, and a real child. The studio family, and a traditional family. Heteronormative relationship vs a queer relationship. 

Although there’s no indication in canon that Henry might be bisexual, he doesn’t need to be. The game has beaten into our heads that the “choice” is an illusion. Henry was never going to choose the Devil, or at least that’s what Joey believes. Although we’re never told what choice the human in the play was going to make, we’re told that he was supposed to be dressed in white, which suggests that he chose the Angel. 

“(The door stage right opens. A man all in white enters calmly and chooses a seat, brushes it off carefully and sits. He takes his hat off and holds it gingerly in his lap.) (Quiet.) (Curtain.) THE END” TIOL, page 91

That might be why the Devil in the play confesses that he doesn’t want the human to make his choice, fearing that one of them will have to leave once such a choice is made:

“DEVIL: You think he has made a choice? 

ANGEL: It is possible. 

DEVIL: Do you think he might be all bad? 

ANGEL: I hope he is all good. 

DEVIL: If he is all bad, my job here is done. If he is all good, you can go home. 

DEVIL: Strange. If we win we also lose. You would think that would be something I would find delightful. 

ANGEL: You would think I would love to make such a personal sacrifice.” TIOL, page 89

The line about a “personal sacrifice” is very interesting in this context. The Angel and the Devil clearly care for each other and for the human, and don’t want their relationship to come to an end. Though the Devil in the play seems to make gestures that the audience interprets as romantic in nature, Joey insists that it isn’t the case:

“I leaned in and placed a hand on Abby's knee. There was a gasp from someone in the audience, but I knew Abby wouldn't be flustered by it. That wasn't the nature of our relationship.” TIOL, page 89 

It makes me wonder if perhaps Linda and Joey used to be friends at some point, and both competed over Henry’s attention.

There’s a much overused trope in fiction where two men compete over a woman, which ends up ruining their friendship. It would be really interesting and subversive to see a man and a woman competing over a man instead.

EDIT: I can’t believe I forgot to add this part:

"Joey, thanks for coming," said Henry, approaching from behind us. I turned to look at him He had dressed up for the event but every item of clothing looked slightly wrong. The sleeves of his shirt a bit short, his vest a bit long, his tie askew. He smiled, though, with such confidence that I couldn't help admire him. I still do.” TIOL, page 160

Joey fell for Henry’s smile, how romantic!

“We watched in silence as he worked. Despite his lack of genius, to this day, I will always say that watching Henry work was a real pleasure.“ TIOL, page 173

“It's fascinating. Henry was never the showman like I was. He didn't tend to be easily remembered by those who met him when we did business. I was invariably the face of the company, the one introduced first at a gala, the one to whom people slipped their business cards.Yet in the end he ended up setting up camp in this small corner of my memory. I can't deny that he is tied to the creation of Bendy, to the creation of the studio itself. That at one time, in one small apartment, one too warm evening, we had shaken hands. That once upon a time we had been partners. He'll always be there, in the dark recesses of my mind. Always linked to me that way. Funny how the forgettable man is now forever in my mind” TIOL, page 177

[half-bakedboy]

All Too Well

Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rated: General Contains spoilers from season 5 episode 2: Desperate Times

Summary: “Is that enough?”

Buck spits the words right back, more venom that Eddie could have tried to muster. He doesn’t mean to. He really doesn’t. If anything, he had tried to keep his emotions at bay the second Ana’s name lingered between them.

But he does.

Because if that’s enough for Eddie, why doesn’t he love Buck?

Or a look inside Buck's head during their panic attack talk.

(read on ao3)

Buck has never been one to hesitate before talking to his best friend, but he sees Eddie with an arm over his face, lying down for the first time since Ana and Christopher left, and his feet feel like they’re stuck to the floor. 

He takes a few deep breaths, preparatory, anxiety-reducing, reminders that he’s breathing and that his best friend is hurting. He’s the one to make things better, to get Eddie through everything, so why is he hesitating? 

“Hey, are you sleeping or just pretending?” 

He knows the answer but is grateful when Eddie actually speaks. 

“I was actually trying to until you interrupted.”

Sarcasm, that’s— good. Buck isn’t sure when sass and thinly veiled annoyance became good but he isn’t about to overthink it like he has been for the last hour. 

“I’m exhausted,” Buck offers. He thinks that maybe if he shares something small, Eddie might be willing to give in return. “Uh, how are you feeling?” 

Buck knows the answer to this question, too, and he finds himself secretly hoping Eddie answers in sarcasm so he can truly convince himself that things are okay, that his hesitation was unwarranted.

“Hot,” Eddie drawls, “I’m sweating out of places I didn’t know I could.”

Well, Buck did ask for sarcasm. He didn’t expect the glint of arousal to strike through him like lightning, though. 

Or the quick jolt of panic as he rakes his eyes over Eddie’s body for nothing other than symptoms, an indication of what might be wrong because, for the first time since he’s met Eddie, he doesn’t know.  

“Not like a cold sweat though, right? Any chest pains?” 

Buck yearns to reach out, to feel Eddie’s pulse in his wrist, press a palm over his forehead to check for a fever. Hell, he would go grab a blood pressure cuff and EKG monitor from the ambulance if Hen and Chim wouldn’t yell at him. Buck considers it more than he should because he needs to know that Eddie’s really okay before he drives himself crazy. 

Eddie just stares, unimpressed. 

“You don’t give up, do you?” 

Nope, Buck thinks, though he wouldn’t risk saying it out loud. After a long exasperated sigh, Eddie relents, “I’m fine, Buck.” Like Buck is actually supposed to believe him or something. 

“People who are fine don’t go and see cardiologists,” Buck responds. 

He’s clutching the clipboard in his lap a little too tight and he feels it. The way his knuckles burn, the way his fingertips crease the papers he’s been pretending to focus on all day. He hopes Eddie doesn’t notice. He hopes that he does.

Because Eddie is a lot of things, but he isn’t oblivious. That oblivious. Buck sighs. 

“You need to tell me if something is wrong,” Buck finally says. 

It’s not a request, it’s an order. One that he’s not sure Eddie will follow, but one that he hopes will get the point across. 

Because Buck is scared.  

He’s been terrified ever since Eddie’s blood splattered all over his face, since he watched the nurses shove a tube down his throat and make no promises. Since Eddie sat beside him, alive and well, and trusted him with the most important thing in his life—in Buck’s life. 

That fear has only risen ever since he saw the way Ana smiled up at him during his welcome home and the way Eddie grinned right back, the smile Buck had too long convinced himself was his own. How comfortable she looked mixed in with his family, the family Buck started to consider his. 

He’s scared because he’s never felt so much, so strongly for another person since— No, that’s not right. He’s never felt this way about anyone . 

Eddie isn’t just another person to destroy him, another partner to tell lies and fall away. He isn’t going to be replaced in Eddie’s life just because he has someone else, someone who might know what’s going on in his head and doesn’t have to demand an answer. 

Eddie is different, he always has been. And Buck has to hold onto that. 

He does even when Eddie speaks again. 

“It was a panic attack, not a heart attack,” Eddie sighs as he sits up. Buck knows he’s irritated but he can’t bring himself to care. He has always mildly irritated Eddie, why should this time be any different?

Actually, he finds himself gripping even tighter at the clipboard—at hope— when Eddie admits to it. 

Panic. Of all the things Buck thinks Eddie is going to say, panic isn’t one of them. 

“Since when do you panic?” 

Then he considers the number of times he’s woken up in sweat-soaked sheets that felt too much like Eddie’s blood and tears in his eyes that he can’t seem to wipe away fast enough as they burn his cheeks. The pain of his sobs that still tear through him when he remembers the lost look on Eddie’s face in the firetruck, asking if Buck was okay like it mattered. The feeling of failure when Christopher’s hand patted softly at his shoulder.  

“That’s what I said.”

Something flashes in Eddie’s eyes that looks like surprise, realization, but Buck pushes it aside. He can’t cling to hope too tightly. He knows how that works out for him in the end. 

“I don’t panic,” Eddie huffs and then exhales, “except I did.” 

“Okay, well, what triggered it?” Buck lists off the reasons for his own panic, expecting a match, but Eddie doesn’t stop him to agree. 

He stops him to argue and it isn’t what Buck expects. 

“That wasn’t it,” Eddie interrupts exasperatedly. “If I’m being honest with myself, I—”

When has Eddie ever been dishonest with himself? 

“I think it was Ana.” 

Ana. The name that spirals in Buck’s mind too often when he has to remind himself that Eddie isn’t his. The name that only passes his lips drenched in sarcasm or malice or a thin veil of hope when he doesn’t think too much about what he is saying. 

The name that sparks nerves, anxiety, fear, dread, confusion— 

Panic. 

“Uh,” Buck stutters, hoping his heart beating out of his chest isn’t obvious, “I thought things were great with Ana.” 

He watched Eddie kiss her on the cheek during her surprise visit, watched as Christopher hoped out loud for a new mom, a wife for his father. Sure, he didn’t react exactly how Buck had expected, but he didn’t seem to panic. 

Or he did and Buck was too focused on his own misery to truly see it.

“She’s been a godsend through all of this, staying with Christopher, but… I think that’s what’s causing the panic.” 

He sounds so sure, so confident that there couldn’t be anything else, which is the Eddie that Buck remembers. Buck isn’t sure it’s the Eddie he wants to see at this moment, though. He wants to see Eddie happy, Eddie making plans for his future, Eddie beaming at the thought of being in love with a perfect person, the one that Ana seems to be. He wants Eddie to feel the joy that comes from spending time with him, the way Buck does. 

“Somehow we became a ready-made family and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” 

He says the other word that haunts Buck’s nightmares. 

Buck always thought he knew what family meant, what family was supposed to be, then his parents stopped caring. Then Maddie left and he was all alone. He thought he had found his family at the one-eighteen soon after and he was happy. God, was he happy, for the first time since he could remember. 

Then he met Eddie. 

Then he met Christopher. 

How defines his family is a little cloudy now. 

“So what are you gonna do?” 

And isn’t that the question of the day, the minute, the seconds that he spends gripping onto the clipboard in front of him to keep his hands from reaching, comforting, desiring. 

Eddie shakes his head. 

“I’m just gonna stick it out. Ana’s been the first woman I’ve wanted to spend this much time with since Shannon…”

“Stick it out?” 

Buck flashes back to his own attempt at sticking it out. Convincing himself that eventually, Eddie will realize what they mean to each other. His plans to stick it out even if it meant he wouldn’t be as happy as he could be, had pretended he deserved to be. He was going to stick it out because he would have Eddie in whatever way he could. 

“That’s not how you talk about someone you’re in love with.”

Buck’s not sure if he’s talking to himself or Eddie anymore. 

“My kid loves her,” Eddie shoots back, heat in his voice that doesn’t match the worry on his face. 

Buck’s not sure if he’s talking to himself or Buck anymore. 

“Is that enough?” 

Buck spits the words right back, more venom that Eddie could have tried to muster. He doesn’t mean to. He really doesn’t. If anything, he had tried to keep his emotions at bay the second Ana’s name lingered between them. 

But he does. 

He wants to grab Eddie’s shoulders, shake them until his brain wobbles into sense, kiss him and mutter the words back to him a million times over. 

Because if that’s enough for Eddie, why doesn’t he love Buck?

Is that enough? Is that enough for you to love me back? Is that enough for you to spend the rest of your life with me instead? For me to stop pretending anyone else is going to be a better fit for me than you? 

Because I love your kid more than anyone in the world, Eddie, and if that’s enough, then… 

Why not me?

Eddie’s silent for a moment too long, a second prolonged into a minute, that might have lasted forever if Buck didn’t break it. 

“Eddie, I’ve been Ana. I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who’s not all the way in.”

He thinks of his parents first. Then he thinks of Abby. Even Ali flashes through his tired mind. 

But nothing lingers like Eddie. Nothing has ever lingered like Eddie. 

“Deep down you know it and it hurts. It hurts worse than the truth.” 

Buck’s lived through a lot of truths. His parents creating him for spare parts, Abby leaving him and not looking back, Ali unable to handle the one thing he loves most in the world— loved most in the world, past tense because there are two things, two people , that have that title now. 

He’s lived through being in love with his best friend, his best friend’s family, his best friend’s son. He knows what it’s like to hold onto that hope that maybe, just maybe, someone won’t abandon him, someone won’t think he’s not enough. He has held onto the hope that someone loves him—not in the way he wants, but loves him just the same. 

Briefly he wonders if knowing Eddie doesn’t love him back would hurt more than not knowing. 

Buck shakes his head instead of saying any of his thoughts out loud. 

“So if you don’t wanna hurt Ana, you owe it to her to be honest.” 

Buck isn’t sure whether he’s talking to himself or to Eddie. 

“It just feels like a lot, man.” 

And Buck? He knows the feeling all too well. 

[realm-sweet-realm]

Like a Heart Needs a Beat, chapter 1.

Hello, everyone. This is part one of two of an Abby x Lacie story. The first chapter is pretty much just going to be pure fluff, and next chapter the ink-related angst will kick in.

This story, and the next two two-part shipping stories I write, will be “canon” to my version of events.

---

It wouldn’t have been the first time that Bertrum had dragged Lacie to one of the parties he hosted, but that didn’t mean that she had to like it. She got it, she really did- Bertrum thought she deserved to experience the finer things in life (some of which, to be fair, Lacie did enjoy), and didn’t get that no amount of exposure would make her enjoy this. Still, as she was now, forced into a suit once owned by Bertrum’s son and listening to Bertrum trade compliments that were really insults (or whatever they were. They had a strange way of communicating with each other that Lacie didn’t think she wanted to understand) with his client while dozens of men were flirting with each others’ trophy wives in the background, she felt out of place and a little irritated at Bertrum for insisting she come. It was as Joey and Bertrum were getting especially petty that Lacie just had to look away, and across the room, Lacie saw a woman who looked twice as miserable as she was and only slightly more in-her-element.

Lacie approached her. It was a pretty girl, despite looking like she was completely done with this party. She was wearing a grey suit, clearly tailored for her, and had short, curly hair, dark eyes, clear, dark skin. Her body was pretty nice, too. Yeah, Lacie was going to do this.

“Hey,” Lacie said, “You look like you could use some air. Want me to show you a place where we can get away from the party for a while?”

The woman slowly turned her head to look at her. “Sure. Why not?” she replied without changing expression. Lacie would have to hope that would change and that the woman wasn’t just a natural sourpuss.

Lacie smiled. “Come with me.”

Bertrum was a nice man. He allowed Lacie to step out of parties when she needed to, and even gave her one heck of a place to go when she did: Bertrum’s bird room.

Bertrum loved birds. Bertrum raised birds. It was his favourite hobby. The bird room contained two cages of small, pet-store birds, a larger cage for his doves, and a number of nests for his other birds- three chickens, two ducks, a goose, a swan, and (out of place as they looked amongst the farm fowl) two peafowl. It was easy to keep so many pets when you could pay people to look after them. The bird room opened up to an outdoor enclosure, but this time of day they were all in their nests.

“Pretty cool, right?” Lacie said. “Wanna feed em’? I’m the host’s plus-one. Don’t worry, he won’t mind.”

The woman seemed pretty impressed. “Sure,” she replied.

Lacie showed her to the plastic barrel of dried corn in the corner. The birds crowded them, eager, which made them laugh.

After they’d spent a while feeding the birds, the woman had cheered up significantly, and so Lacie tried to make conversation.

“So. My name’s Lacie. And you know why I’m here. What’s your name, and why are you here? And why don't you want to be here? Because it's obvious you don't.”

The woman rolled her eyes. “Abby Lambert. Nice to meet you, Lacie. I’m here because Joey Drew begged me to be his plus one so he wouldn’t have to come alone. And... instead of telling people that I was his friend or his coworker, or lying and telling people I was his girlfriend, he made up this lie that I’d won a contest to get to go with him. That I was his biggest fan. I’ll be honest- that pissed me off. He didn’t think it was right for his image, I guess."

“Oof, that sucks. You know, I’m just one of Bertrum’s engineers, and I don’t know an eighth of the high society stuff he does, but he would still never do that.”

“Thanks. And thanks for taking me out for some air.”

“No problem.”

It was a few more minutes of feeding birds before Lacie decided to throw her shot. “If Joey wants to be a jerk he can stay here on his own. Wanna get out of here?”

Abby looked Lacie up and down, and suddenly Lacie wished she were wearing something a little more revealing than this ill-fitting suit- especially since Abby’s was accentuating every curve of her body. But Abby clearly liked what she saw.

“Yeah. Yeah, that would be nice.”

The two took a cab to Abby’s apartment, where they spent the night.

---

After the one-night stand, Abby had left Lacie her number. If one night was good, why not make it several? And then, Lacie had surprised her by asking her out. To an art museum.

“You like art, right? It’s not just a job? I mean, I wouldn’t want you taking me to a construction site.”

God, she was a dork. A muscular, handsome dork. Abby had to roll her eyes at herself for being so caught up on a woman, but she eventually broke down and asked Joey a few pointed questions during their lunch break a few days before the date. “So, Mr. Romantic- can you give me some tips about how to sweep a woman off her feet? I’m meeting someone tonight.”

Joey had smiled teasingly at her. “Oh, my. The ever-serious Abby Lambert is lovestruck!”

“You’re gross. It was good sex. That’s all.”

“Right. That’s why you came to me for advice. Well, I’d say just be natural. Be friendly, make jokes, find common interests, all that common-sense stuff. And then at the end of the night invite her over for some wine and radio, read her signs, and that’s when you start getting physical.” Joey suddenly went from smiling and talking with his hands to being much more serious. “Oh, and... I’m sorry about the other night. You know how it is... I respect you, the art department respects you, but I can’t trust random people to do so, and I can’t avoid interacting with people who won’t.”

He didn’t even have to say that it was because she was a black woman. It was the same reason why Joey had promoted someone else ahead of her as head of the art department- he hadn’t trusted that the others would accept her authority. But, after she’d handled the art department while her ex-superior was on vacation and there hadn’t been any problems, Joey had snatched the promotion right out of his hands and put it in Abby’s. Not fair to the ex-head of the art department, but Joey rarely was. Even if he wasn’t perfect, though, he was still one of the few in this day and age who would hand a high position to her under any circumstance, and one of the few she could discuss her relationships with.

“Maybe we should just not talk about that. See you soon, Joey.” Why think about that when Abby had more cheerful things to think about?

---

When Lacie showed up to the art museum, she was wearing a leather jacket, scuffed jeans, and heavy boots. She’d definitely stand out in a dainty place like this.

“So, do you know anything about art?” Abby asked as they went to the first section, which featured a number of surrealist paintings.

“Not a thing!” Lacie admitted, not at all ashamed. “Are you the type who likes to teach, or the type who just wants me to shut up and enjoy it on the level I’m at?”

“I... guess I wouldn’t mind explaining some things.”

“Okay. So, this one,” Lacie gestured at a painting of half-melted clocks hanging off of tree branches and the like. “It must represent something real deep, right?”

“Well, there’s more to art than symbolism, and surrealist stuff doesn’t have to have a deeper meaning. But... maybe it means that time just melts away when you’re having fun.”

It was midnight before Abby was back in her apartment. The museum had closed before they’d felt like any time had passed, and so they’d gone for a walk together in the city and stopped at whatever shops caught their eyes. It had been fun.

Abby’s apartment was the apartment of a chronically single woman in her thirties who had made it. It was clean and organized, but not too clean and organized. It had a large window overlooking the city in the living room, and near it, an eisel had been set up, with a half-done painting on it of a sunset over a city skyline. There was a rack of oft-used wine glasses in the kitchen, lesser-used exercise equipment in the laundry room. Abby’s bedroom contained her collection of houseplants, two floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, and a closet full of suits her mom had tailored for her at a reduced cost.

Joey had always said that he never wanted to get married because he didn’t want to share space with anyone else. Abby had rolled her eyes and punched his arm for that. Joey was always coming up with reasons why he didn’t want a relationship, and none of them were true. Abby, on the other hand, had just assumed and accepted that it just wouldn’t happen. The chances were against it unless she made it a priority in her life, and she was focused on career and art. Could it really happen with this hooligan? It was hard to imagine letting her into this apartment- this apartment of a woman who had made it- on a permanent basis. But, maybe. Only time would tell.

---

Things went from there. They continued to date for over a year. Abby taught Lacie how to draw, and Lacie taught Abby how to fight. They started spending more nights than not over at each other’s places. Joey still didn’t know about it, because Abby knew how jealous Joey got when it came to relationships. Shawn on the other hand definitely knew, and teased the hell out of Lacie for it and later came to Lacie for help with his own relationship once he got into one.

Christmas that year, Shawn had scrapped together enough funds to visit Ireland. This was a problem, because Shawn and Lacie usually spent their Christmases together. As per usual, Lacie didn’t have the means to visit her home state of Alpaccia, so it looked like it would be a lonely Christmas for her.

“You want to come visit my family?” Abby offered as Lacie had been complaining about it.

“Yeah. I’d love that,” Lacie admitted. She hadn’t had a Christmas with a real family in... well, a long time, at any rate.

Abby’s family consisted of her mother and her two-years older brother, who had brought a wife and two kids. The father had died in the war while Abby was a child. They had a traditional Christmas together- old Christmas records, decorating a tree, staying up late to play cards and chat once Abby’s niece and nephew were in bed until they could barely keep their eyes open, and then watching the kids open their presents in the morning.

It kind of hurt Lacie to see such a beautiful family, but it was nice, too. It hurt because she remembered having to go off to her friends’ houses when her parents were too high to remember to feed her. She remembered having to make her own doctor’s appointments at the age of nine, and running off to live with her big sister at fourteen. But it was still nice to be there, just because it was.

As they were packing up in the guest bedroom, Lacie started crying, and Abby took notice. She’d never seen her cry before.

“What’s wrong?

“Nothing,” she said, and thankfully Abby had left her alone about it.

It was a week later, after Lacie had had some time to think, that she made her offer. “Abby, I want to start a family with you. I know we can’t get married in the traditional sense, but we can get a place together, find some man to give us a kid, and stay together for the rest of our lives. I could even buy you a ring if you want. Do you wanna do this?”

Abby was awestruck. “Lacie... oh my God, yes. Let’s do it.”

[lyssismagical]

Boy, I'm so happy, we have been heaven-blessed

Parkner Week Day Eight: “Get some rest tall child” / cuddling / movie nights

 “Babe, babe, babe, babe-”

“Oh my god, what do you want?” Peter says. He sounds annoyed, but Harley knows better. “I’m trying to work, believe it or not.”

“I believe it. You don’t have to convince me on that.” Harley sits up on Peter’s bed, rolling his eyes for the thousandth time since he’d gotten to Peter’s dorm room. “Why am I here when you’re not even paying attention to me? You’re not even looking at me.”

“I don’t have to see you to know you’re pouting like a baby,” Peter mutters, scribbling some more words down into his notebook with his pen. He shoves the pen between his teeth so he could flip through his heavy textbook and try to find a page in the stack next to him.

Harley sighs dramatically. “But I’m your baby, aren’t I? Doesn’t that mean I’m allowed to pout?”

“Stop pouting and stop whining. I’m trying to work, Harls.”

“How do you know I’m pouting if you won’t even look at me?” Harley exclaims, throwing his arms up in frustration. It started out as a game, but now he’s starting to feel a little bit cast aside.

“Are you pouting?”

“…Maybe.”

Peter finally sets down his pen and turns to Harley from his desk, a smile gracing his lips. He looks pretty as always, but Harley can’t help but notice how tired he looks.

“Ned said he was going to move out if he found us in the same bed again,” Peter says instead of acknowledging their entire conversation. “I think he was serious. MJ’s roommate doesn’t live with her anymore.”

Harley rolls his eyes and dramatically flops back onto the bed. “When was the last time we went on an actual date?”

“We went out last weekend, Harley.” Peter’s still smiling, but there’s insecurity shining in his eyes, eyebrows creasing a little more than Harley would like.

“I just miss you.”

“You miss me?” Peter repeats. “Yet you’ve been literally lying a few feet away from me for the past two hours. I’m right here, Harley.”

Harley tips his head to the side, breathing in the soft scent of Peter on the pillow. “But I should be your number one priority.”

“Number one?”

“Mmhm, you’ll never get a catch like me ever again. I’m one of a kind, baby.”

Peter finally gives in and crawls into the bed beside Harley, unceremoniously dropping half onto Harley’s chest. Harley immediately wraps his arms around Peter’s waist, making sure Peter couldn’t leave even if he wanted to. Harley’s getting cuddles for as long as he wants them.

“You have no idea,” Peter mumbles, words muffled by Harley’s sweater.

Harley grins and presses a kiss to Peter’s hair. “I love you.”

“Love you too. Now, get some rest, tall child.”

*

“You know, I thought you were going to murder me when we first met,” Harley says, out of the blue on the next morning. They’re still in bed despite it being way past the appropriate time for sleeping in, even for a weekend. “I literally thought you were going to poison my food or something.”

“What?” Peter says, stifling his laughter. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I thought you’d be as jealous as I was, I just figured you’d act on that jealousy and murder me so you’d be Tony’s only intern.”

This time, Peter does laugh, hiding his flushed face in Harley’s shoulder. “You thought I would get so jealous, I would poison your food? You know how crazy that sounds, right?”

“I thought about killing you. I just knew it was an irrational idea, I didn’t know if you’d think it was irrational too.”

Peter bites on his bottom lip, trying to quiet his laughter. It makes his cheeks puff up a little bit like chipmunks, face rosy and eyes sparkling.

“I can’t believe you thought, even for a moment, that killing me was the appropriate reaction to being jealous.”

“I’m from Tennessee, Peter. Anything goes.”

Peter ducks his head again, muffling his laughter in Harley’s sweater. “That’s- I can’t believe you.”

“Tony thought so too!” Harley exclaims. Peter doesn’t have to see to know Harley’s rolling his eyes. “Maybe not that we’d kill each other, but he thought we’d hate each other.”

“No,” Peter says, voice dropping to a little more serious. “I knew from that first moment I saw you that this was going to be something special.”

Harley smiles, going all soft and mushy in a heartbeat. “I love you like an insane amount. Like I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do if you asked. I’ve never felt like this before, and if I’m being honest, it really scares me sometimes.”

The younger of the two leans up to press a kiss to the older’s jaw. “You don’t have to be scared. I feel the same way, there’s no way I’m breaking your heart. It’s safe with me.”

“I know. Your heart’s safe with me too.”

“Good. Now that we’ve napped and talked, do you think you could let me get back to my homework now? I never got to finish it yesterday thanks to you.”

Harley laughs, relinquishing his grip on his boyfriend’s waist. “I should probably get going anyways. I’ve got a study group in a bit and then I’ve got a few errands to run in the city. Oh, and I think my sister’s calling to make spring break plans this afternoon.”

“You’re spending spring break with your sister?”

“I don’t know if you’ve forgotten but Abbie’s going to UCLA. Her roommate’s boyfriend’s parents are super rich salespeople who are taking the roommate and boyfriend to Europe with them while they’re there for business. Abbie volunteered to housesit and pet-sit. Meaning…”

“Meaning she’s got a huge house to herself in California all week?”

Harley grins. “Precisely. If you want, I was thinking the two of us could crash with her all week. Morgan’s on her break too, and she’s offered to pay to fly us all out.”

“Morgan and Abbie in the same house for a whole week?” Peter repeats, rolling his eyes but the smile doesn’t even falter.

Laughing, Harley finally pulls away from Peter, stretching his arms. “Yeah, it’ll be interesting, for sure… I’ll let you get back to your homework. You want me to swing by again tonight?”

“Please?”

The one thing that’s been weird since they started school is that they have separate rooms. Harley lives on the other side of campus, closer to his own classes, so it’s normally easier for them to spend nights in their own rooms, despite being used to the opposite. Back in high school, May’s apartment was closer to Midtown than the Tower, so Harley would stay with Peter for conveniences sake, and weekends they spent together at the Tower.

Today’s a Saturday, though, so neither of them have obligations tomorrow.

Harley grins, leaning back to press a kiss to Peter’s forehead before he’s tugging on his shoes.

“I’ll stop at mine and grab some clothes and things, and I’ll be over this evening. Six?”

“Sounds good. Movie night?”

Opening up the door, Harley shoots a final smile over his shoulder. “I’ll bring snacks! I love you. See you tonight.”

“I love you too.”

The door shuts behind Harley and Peter falls back into his bed, breathing in the soft smell of Harley, boyish with a hint of the Tennessee smoke that he carries with him, and a bit of the cinnamon body wash he uses. He smiles up at the ceiling, feeling so warm with love and happiness.

* Late that evening, after Peter’s finished his homework from the week and cleaned his room and finished some laundry, after Harley showed up in a flurry of excitement and lit up joy, carrying a shopping bag of snacks for the night along with a few selections from his DVD collection, after they’ve made it through way too many snacks and a few movies, they’re curled up, trying not to fall asleep.

“I wanna marry you one day,” Harley blurts and then he laughs, no awkwardness or worry to it.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I wanna do one of those fancy weddings with all the components like the big, tiered cake, and the expensive suits, and the cute RSVP cards in the mail. Abbie and Morgan could be the flower girls or the ring bearers. Ned and Harry could be our best men and Cassie, MJ, and Gwen could all be our bridesmaids or whatever they’d be. We’d do one of those over-the-top bachelor parties, except we’d do it together because it wouldn’t be as fun to party without you. Tony would have to walk one of us down the aisle because May and Mom would want to do it. Or maybe Tony could officiate. And then we’d get on a plane the next morning for a crazy honeymoon.”

Peter smiles fondly, snuggling closer to his boyfriend and nearly knocking the laptop off their legs. “You’ve really thought about this, huh? Is this your way of proposing?”

“No,” Harley laughs. “I don’t have a ring and I’m going to do it right, when I do. The whole shebang. The expensive dinner, the dramatic speech, maybe I’ll do the stupid ring in the wine or something.”

He shakes his head against Harley’s chest. “I’d accidentally drink it. Don’t do that.”

Harley laughs again, peppering kisses over Peter’s face. “I just really want you to know that this is a forever thing, for me, you know? I want us to be forever. I want us to get engaged, to move in together, to get married, maybe we could think about kids. I’d even go for the white picket fence future if that’s what you wanted.”

“You’re such a sap,” Peter teases before he kisses Harley. “I want that too. Trust me, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Taglist: @littlemissagrafina  @spidey-reids-2003 @romeoandjulietyouwish @c-artara @shadedrose01 @likeaphoenix13 @pj-hermes-tonystark-obsessed  @you-get-killed-walk-it-off @kitkatwinchester  @emo-girl10 @justme--emily  @hold-our-destiny @imalivebecauseirondad @spiderman-peterman @dykeragee @maryserrao @heeeyitskay @parknerandirondad @lilacsandlilies4 {Let me know if you wanna be added or removed}

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 5x05 Shifting Sands

After four really strong episodes at the beginning of season 5, this is a slower episode focused on developing the new dynamics. This episode is by no means bad, and there are some lovely character moments in it - but this is, unfortunately, where the plot starts getting kind of boring. It’s the start of many subplots that, either intentionally or unintentionally, ended up not mattering much for the overall story.

Some of the subplots introduced:

the mutant worms - I’m not a fan of this subplot, which the show will literally chuck out 5 episodes later. Also, it’s gross. I don’t like to have to actually avert my eyes from the screen. The show was really going for the Alien vibe here.

Zaven romance was probably meant to be Raven’s endgame, but unfortunately, Jordan Bolger got another role and we know what happened. And now all that screentime devoted to the development of their relationship feels like a waste of time, which may be unfair to season 5, but it is what it is. In itself, it’s not the worst romantic subplot by any means, but it’s another rushed romance.

It seemed like the show was going somewhere with the friendship between Diyoza and Kane (with some flirty moments that could have at least suggested even more) - don’t get me wrong, I was very much against it being a ship (not a fan of Stockholm Syndrome romances, and Kabby is one of the very few well developed romantic relationships on the show), but every relationship involving Kane got pushed aside when Henry Ian Cusick decided to leave the show. In S6, only Kabby and his friendship with Indra were addressed. On the other hand, it’s always it’s nice to get more Diyoza backstory, which we get when she tells her story to Kane: her suicide attempt - when marines who used to be her own team came to arrest her and after they killed her father. 

Both Diyoza’s shock collars and Vinson are introduced. Vinson is a very unusual character for The 100 - which is full of leaders, warriors and cult leaders, but which doesn’t usually feature cannibal serial killers. I have to say that I quite liked where they went with this character - he was like an embodiment of Abby’s demons (addiction, cannibalism during the Dark Year) and the demons that almost destroyed the Kabby relationship.

The last scene sets up the main plot of the next episode, which is Octavia and Bellamy arguing about Echo… Not the best subplot out there.

In Eden, Diyoza shows again that she may be ruthless but she’s smart - she is against waging war in Eden and potentially destroying the only habitable land on Earth. Not such good news: she wants to use missiles on Wonkru, which makes sense - especially since they are, from her POV, a bunch of dangerous fanatics. (Actually, they are a bunch of dangerous fanatics, period.)She is aware that the rest of Spacekru are still somewhere in the woods, as is Madi (since she knew 5 of them were almost captured by her people, when Madi saved them). The rivalry between her and McCreary is highlighted again - and we also learn about their history. (Which is going to be important because of a certain reveal that will be coming soon…) I guess Diyoza was more honest than McCreary knew when she dismissed his sexual prowess as “that was torture, too” - since we learn in S7 that she had sex with him to get him to be on her side in the rebellion.

Diyoza’s choice of sex partners may not be the best, but she has good taste in music and hates speed metal or trash metal or whatever that was just as much as I do. “Play something with a beat” - exactly!

Kane in the meantime offers intel on Octavia in exchange for a guarantee of protecting Raven and Murphy, but his other reason is that he thinks Octavia will get all of Wonkru killed and wants to stop her.

And we get more of McCreary torturing someone, this time Raven and Murphy. McCreary torturing various people is a recurring thing this season. Is there any episode where he isn’t either murdering, torturing or both? I guess no one has told him that torture is not an efficient or reliable way of extracting information… but it’s quite possible he doesn’t care. Shaw gets to be reluctantly present during someone’s torture again - not a great way to get to know your future girlfriend. The fact that she’s in pain and tortured for who-knows-which-time may be why Raven is showing her judgmental streak again, this time dissing Shaw for lying about the fact he was the one who disabled the missiles and accusing him of getting them tortured to save his ass, which is technically true but ignores the facts that 1) he saved hundreds of Wonkru, 2) he saved Raven’s and Murphy’s lives, and 3) admitting the truth wouldn’t have helped anyone. But Raven also shows her smarts and comes up with a good plan how to get Murphy out so he can inform others about the missiles - and does some really good acting when she pretends she’s furious with Shaw.

One of the highlights of the episode is Murphy meeting Madi for the first time (”hobbit” as he refers to her), as everyone is in the Rover that Madi is driving. Murphy is not happy when Madi says she thought he would be funnier, and even less so when she says Octavia is her favorite. (It’s OK, Murphy, Hope and Jordan (during his rebellious phase) will love you.)

Contrary to what you’ll often hear in the fandom, Spacekru have been, in these early episodes, talking repeatedly about the fact that Clarke saved them and thanking her. They mentioned it all by themselves in 5x03. Bellamy told Clarke ‘Clarke, you saved us all!” in 5x04 and Raven tearfully thanked her for saving their lives. And now Echo tells Madi they wouldn’t have made it without Clarke, and Harper confirms it.

When Murphy realizes that his shock collar/tracker can be used as a bomb, he tells the others to leave him and save themselves and go warn Bellamy - which , I believe, is the first time that Murphy has been really unselfish and unconcerned with saving his own life. Emori has, up to that point, been hostile to him, accusing him of selfishness (she even jumped to the conclusion that he left Raven to die to save himself). But the moment he says this, you can see her face and her whole attitude changing. She says nothing, just staring at him - and then stays with him instead of going with the others. (Murphy will again be unselfish and ask others to leave him to save thrmselves in the season 5 finale, and Emori will refuse to leave him.)

………..

In Polis, there are more reunions: Clarke gets to interact with Jackson and Miller. Jackson tells her they could have used her in the bunker (Clarke replies that they had her mom, and Jackson’s silence hints that something is wrong, but she’ll only find out what much later).This is an interesting “What if” - what if Clarke and/or Bellamy had been in the bunker? How would that have affected everything - Octavia and Abby, above all? Indra later tells Bellamy that Octavia needs him. She is clearly not one of those who drank Kool-Aid and hopes for Bellamy to be a good influence on her, the way she obviously wishes she could be, but Octavia is not listening to her. Cooper, on the other hand, is Octavia’s yes-woman and clearly encourages her worst behavior. Miller still seems somewhere in between at this point - unlike Jackson, he tells Clarke not to get involved, but then changes his mind and tells Blodreina that Clarke has something to tell her.

(This is also a rare occasion: an actual Mackson kiss.)

Clarke and Bellamy are starting to realize that Octavia is pretty scary now, starting with the way her cult worships her and turns against anyone daring to criticize or question her, and then with the way Octavia herself has changed. The episode does a good job of showing that she has been losing her grip on reality,  and apparently drinking her own Kool-Aid a bit too much. She is obsessed what she sees as her messianic role pf delivering her people to Eden, and trying to get her people through the desert during the sandstorm, contrary to the advice of Clarke, who actually knows the terrain, (Maybe she’s taken it too much to heart to continue Jaha’s legacy.) Some of the things Octavia says in this episode:

“The wind hasn’t met Wonkru” - many people mock it as one of the worst lines in the show, but I like it, I think it’s intentionally hilarious, one of the few funny moments this season - and meant to show what ridiculous things Octavia says when she’s boasting in front of Wonkru. All the Wonkru members fully accept it while only Bellamy and Clarke are looking at her with WTF? faces.

She also says “Wonkru doesn’t retreat” And then orders retreat at the end of the episode. She’s not fully delusional.

“That valley is (our home) and we’re taking it back” - Back? When did she/they have it exactly? I guess she may just be considering everything that any of the clans had/where they lived as belonging to Wonkru… but she’s never even been there

“Thanks to you, we’re at war” to Bellamy again (would it have been better to stay locked in the bunker forever?)

“You don’t understand because you’re not one of us”

and finally, she straight up threatens her brother if he keeps questioning her.

During a meal by the campfire at night, while Wonkru are chanting “All of me for all of us”, we find out that Octavia is trying to live by the “Love is weakness” maxim, which is here retconed as something that all Flamekeepers teach all Commanders (and that Gaia is teaching her now, accordingly), rather than just a Titus/Lexa thing, as it seemed in season 3. (Which in itself was a retcon, since it first seemed in season 2 that it was just something Lexa came up with as a result of her tragic experience with losing her lover Costia.) And yes, it’s love in general, not just romantic love. “Love no one, and no one can hurt you”, says Octavia, and she clearly includes her brother in that. Indra rejects that and replies with “I love you”, asking if that makes her weak. This is a recurring theme in the show: Clarke and Octavia have both gone through “Love is weakness” phase. (And now in season 7, it’s time for Bellamy - only this time, this idea came to him in the form “love is selfish”, and that he should love all mankind rather than focus on love for individual people.)

Clarke finds something “beautiful” and impressive in Wonkru’s unity - maybe because she has been alone for so long. The long isolation has changed her - she seems less assertive when she’s around others, although, to be fair, it doesn’t help that she’s not in the position to be a part of the leadership while they are around Wonkru. But she’s also shy and vulnerable when Bellamy - after telling her how amazing she was for surviving so long on her own - tries to make her talk about that time. She starts saying “Well, I wasn’t alone” - and if she immediately answered “I had Madi”, that would be nothing strange, but the way Clarke makes a long awkward pause and seems to catch herself, before saying “I had Madi”, and then quickly leaves, almost as if running away - suggest that maybe she was, for a moment, thinking and going to say something else - something about radio calls that allowed her to keep her sanity. Subsequent events have certainly supported this interpretation - we will learn in 5x13 that Clarke has been keeping it a secret from Bellamy (when Madi tells him, she says “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this”), and when Bellamy finally reveals in 6x01 that he knows about them, Clarke is again very shy and embarrassed and almost runs away from the conversation.

But at this point, Bellamy doesn’t know any of that, and I don’t think he understands Clarke’s state of mind. To him, it must seem like she’s withdrawing into herself. 

Later on, the two of them get another moment, and this time it’s Clarke’s turn to tell Bellamy how awesome he is. She praises him for not killing the prisoners in cryo and for saving her, and says “the Heart and the Head” - recalling their conversation from over 6 years ago,. in 4x13, when she told him to use his head and not just his heart. She’s saying that he’s using both his heart and his head now. Bellamy repeats “The Heart and the Head”, and I believe that’s the first time they’ve said that phrase to each other. Now they have another canon catchphrase to describe their relationship, in addition to “Together”. (They will say it again - a little different - in 6x10: “The Head and the Heart”.)  Clarke then asks Bellamy “What does your head say about fighting a war (etc.)” and he replies “Same as yours”. Which is just crying for a callback to happen in the final season. Will we get Bellamy and Clarke saying “What does your heart say…”?

Clarke - in a rare moment of medically treating someone (something she did a lot in season 1, but rarely after that), saves Octavia’s life from the worms. And - in one of her better moments in this episode - Octavia thanks for her saving her life. Sadly, their relationship is not going to be that harmonious in the rest of S5.

And at the end of this episode - more reunions! The rover comes with Madi, Monty, Harper and Echo, with three memorable reunion moments:

I love the moment when Monty greets Octavia (he still has no idea how much she has changed) and she greets him back with the most awkward smile ever. It’s like she isn’t sure if she can be Octavia now that she’s Blodreina but she’s acting like her old self for a moment with an old friend who has no idea what she’s like now. 

And this is just moments after she has threatened her brother. This camerawork in this episode is quite interesting - the way it plays with focus. When Octavia threatens Bellamy, while Clarke looks at them, concerned, we have Octavia/Bellamy in focus and Clarke out of it, and then the reverse.

And then in the reunion scene at the end, after we see Clarke and Madi running into each other’s arms for a big hug, and then we also see Echo and Bellamy running towards each other - it’s interesting and very telling that. as we see Clarke and Madi hugging and Bellamy and Echo kissing, in the same frame, the Becho kiss is out of focus throughout, while the camera zooms on Clarke’s reaction. While the first Becho kiss we saw (in 5x01) served the purpose to reveal the relationship to the audience, this time, the kiss is there just for Clarke’s and Octavia’s reactions to it, and this frame screams - what matters here is Clarke finding out about Becho.

Does this look familiar? Oh yes, we saw the same kind of scene and the exact same facial expression from Clarke in 1x05 when she learned that Finn had a girlfriend.

(But in case you ignored this moment, since it’s subtle - the dramatic music only starts with Octavia’s reaction to seeing her brother with her old enemy, which is the cliffhanger - don’t worry, you’ll get another scene of Clarke looking sad while Becho are kissing, in the next episode.)

And here’s the (melo)dramatic cliffhanger! I guess the audience is supposed to be on Bellamy’s and Echo’s side as Octavia is showing once again she can stare daggers - but I suspect many were on Octavia’s side on this one, since we’re pretty much in the same boat as Octavia and Clarke -, for us and for them, comes from nowhere, after we’ve only known them as enemies. Especially Octavia - Clarke did spend semi-amicable moments with Echo and witness Bellamy spending them just before Praimfaya. Octavia's last memories of Echo are… Echo mortally wounding Ilian, Bellamy almost strangling Echo for trying to kill Octavia/cheat them all out of the bunker, and Octavia banishing Echo. and Echo briefly trying to threaten her with telling the other Grounders about the Skaikru rebellion.

Was this really necessary in terms of the conflict between the Blakes? I don’t think so. They’ve already been butting heads over Octavia’s leadership and actions and her intention to fight a war - but yay, we are getting an episode centered around Octavia objecting to Bellamy’s girlfriend, which will ultimately go nowhere and matter little in terms of overall Bellamy/Octavia relationship this season.

Body count: 12 Wonkru members died: Obika died a horrible death from mutant worms. (His death will haunt Miller, who was with him when he was attacked by the worm, during the red sun eclipse in 6x02, when Miller hallucinated having bugs inside of him and yelled he would end up the same as Obika.) 11 other Wonkru members died from Diyoza’s missile, which means there are 801 left.

Rating: 6/10

[angrylizardjacket]

act your age: [6] Dead Girl Walking

Summary: Roger tries to make things right with Ash, but she thinks he’s joking so it doesn’t exactly go well. At first.

Word Count: 2451 | [act your age masterpost]

the heathers: @brian-may-brian-may @marvelismylifffe @whoschantel ​ @peteyparkersbabyy @cosmicsskies @somefanfic-to-love @happy-at-home​ @youngpastafanmug​

A/N: includes an excerpt from Little Beast by Richard Siken. 

“Let me in,” Roger demanded, banging hard on Ash’s front door. It’s Oscar who opens it, stands in the way, expression stony and unyielding, intimidating enough that Roger steps back where his fist is raised to knock again.

“I’d fuck off if I was you,” Oscar tells him coldly.

“Oz, this is between me and Ash –“

“She doesn’t want to see you.” And he slams the door in Roger’s face.

“You don’t even know what it’s about!” Roger calls through the door.

“I don’t have to,” Oscar calls back, and there’s the very distinct sound of the door locking, and of Oscar stomping away.

“Fred, I know you’re in there,” Roger calls, desperation seeping into his voice as he leans his head against the pale wood of the door, “can you let me in? Please?”

“This isn’t my house, dear,” Freddie calls back from somewhere beyond the door, a little muffled, a little further away, a little resigned. Roger sighs. Tonight has felt like the turning point in a coming of age movie, a terribly written one, probably produced by MTV or Netflix, but Lucy was right; he had to stop pretending that he didn’t have feelings for Ash. As he let himself into her backyard, he resigned himself to being a cliché for the night.

He’s never actually been in her house, or even in her backyard, sometimes he’s dropped her home after a gig, or after school, but he’s never usually left the car. The house was actually kind of gaudy, and bigger than he had been expecting. He knew her dad had a job up at the university, but he’d never actually paid attention to the title; he must be more than just a professor to afford a house like this.

The backyard is well maintained, spacious and grassy, with a little, wooden deck, overhung by an old tree. There’s several windows facing the back yard, but only one with the lights on and the blinds drawn. Roger thinks about taking a pebble from the edge of the deck, but thinks better of it; if he threw it too hard it could break her window, and he does not need that right now.

[im in your backyard.] He sends. She reads it but doesn’t respond. [ash please let me in so i can explain]

[nothing to explain..] She replies with, but when he looks up at her window, he sees she’s pulled back the curtains enough to peer out at him. When they lock eyes, she scowls and flips him off.

[youre acting like a child] He sends, and looks up at her. She rolls her eyes.

[dude you were fingering another girl like 5 minutes ago idk how you want me to react]

[are you jealous?] He catches sight of Ash’s expression turning to surprise, and then quickly to some sort of anger, but she doesn’t respond. Instead, she opens her window, and heads further into her room, and Roger knows with both startling clarity and resignation, that he’s going to have to climb the tree to get to her. But at least she’s letting him in.

It’s easier than he’d assumed it would be, and as he jumps through, praying for a soft landing, he’s surprised when he tumbles onto Ash’s bed, and then onto the floor when he overshoots the mark.

“Jealous of you?” Ash is already on the attack, arms crossed, expression furious, but as Roger rights himself, he cuts her off.

“Jealous of Dom,” he corrects, getting to his feet, and Ash’s mouth snaps shut, and a blush erupts across her cheeks, “and I’m sorry, again.” Roger adds.

“Why would you be sorry?” Ash snaps, and Roger swallows hard, steeling himself for what he was about to admit.

“Because I don’t like Dom half as much as I like you,” he told her, voice clear and earnest, “honest.”

“Get out,” Ash snarled, still blushing, expression furious, “this isn’t fucking funny, Roger, get out of my room, my house, and my fucking life –“

“I’m not lying!” He yelped, which brought the thunder of footsteps up the stairs, and Oscar calling Ash’s name.

“Go away, Oz, I’m fine,” Ash called back, tears in her eyes. As they both hear him retreating, she turns and locks the door, as an extra measure. Roger isn’t quite sure what’s happening as he watches Ash turn and lean against the door, scrubbing her hands over her face.

“What the fuck are you playing at?” She asks finally, voice quiet, “I’m into you, is that what you wanted to hear? I like like you, Roger, I have for a long fucking time, so you pretending to have feelings for me to save our friendship or whatever, it just feels shitty, okay?” With a sigh, she slid down the door until she was sitting, knees drawn up to her chest, not looking at him, “we’re still gonna be friends, you don’t need to do this; I’d really rather you didn’t –“

“I don’t wanna be your fucking friend, Ash, I wanna be your fucking boyfriend! You’re not the only one with feelings here!” Roger throws himself back onto the bed, hands in his hair out of frustration, “I was an idiot tonight, I was drunk on Abby’s spiked punch, and I was thinking with my dick, I’m sorry –“

“Wait...” Ash says, tone gentle and confused, “you’re really not kidding?” And there’s a note of hope in her words that has Roger looking to her, bewildered.

“Not even a little bit,” he confirms, and for the barest moment, it finally seems like they’re both on the same page until Ash stands, scowling.

“Then why were you fingering Dom?!” She hollered.

“Is Roger in there with you?” Oscar calls from downstairs, tone disapproving.

“It’s fine, Oz,” Ash calls back, before turning to Roger, expression demanding and answer, despite Oscar’s squawk of protest from downstairs, and Freddie’s muffled laugh.

“Because I’m an idiot!” Roger answers honestly after a beat, trying to stay quiet, though he couldn’t help the incredulous laugh that escaped him. And finally, there’s a moment of silence, a moment to breathe, and Roger sees Ash shiver. She’s just wearing her button-down short sleeve shirt and red shorts, since he’s pretty sure the jacket she’d been wearing was Oscar’s judging by it’s size, but he moves instinctively to close the window he’d entered through, which had been letting in a cold breeze behind him.

“You are an idiot,” Ash agrees quietly, but she doesn’t sound hostile, and when Roger turns back, she’s walking towards him, arms still crossed, but smiling.

“So you were jealous?” Roger can’t help himself, smirking, and Ash’s nose wrinkles just a little, but she takes a deep breath, uncrossing her arms and stepping into his space.

“Maybe,” she responds coyly, despite her obvious blush. Roger’s hands find her hips, and for the barest moment, she frowns, “you washed your hands, right?” And it’s Roger’s turn to flush scarlet.

“Yes,” he spluttered, “before I even put my pants on.” He was trying to be reassuring, but Ash’s whole expression soured, and Roger made a face as soon as he’d realised what he’d said.

“Just stop talking,” Ash huffed a laugh, resting her hands on his shoulders where he was sitting on the edge of her bed. Roger smirked.

“Make me -“ she cut him off with a kiss. She’s softer than he’d been expecting, which is strange, or maybe it’s that when he thinks of Ash, he thinks she’s all hard edges and sharp smiles, but her kiss is gentle, and tastes mostly of the beer she’d shotgunned, but she’s insistent, her biting gently at his bottom lip before he deepens the kiss. He pulls her closer, pulls her into his lap, and Ash grins as she pulls back for a breath, an expression Roger mirrors –

“Ashley!” It’s Oscar again, sounding rather furious, and Ash’s expression falls.

“Oscar!” She hollers back, climbing off of Roger’s lap and stalking over to her door, annoyed as she unlocks it and wrenches it open. Oscar, on the other side, looks startled by her tone, and his gaze flicks to Roger sitting on her bed, looking a little out of breath, and his expression shifts to something a little unreadable.

“What?” Ash demands. Roger gives a sheepish wave.

“Making sure everything’s okay,” he paused, looking back to Ash, “and there’s some of your friends at the door wondering if Roger’s alive.”

“Very much alive,” Ash tells him, and Oscar tips his head to the side, nodding.

“You guys want anything?” His whole tone has shifted, and Roger’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise at how chill he was being all of a sudden. Ash’s whole posture relaxed, however, and she sighed gently.

“If we want anything, I can get it, but thanks,” she adds, and Oscar nods. Before he leaves, he makes an ‘I’m watching you’ gesture, telling him to behave like a gentleman, and Ash closes the door on him, locking it again with a huff of laughter.

“Sorry about him,” she says a little sheepishly, turning with a half-smile.

“He was ready to rip my throat out not two minutes ago, what happened?” Roger snorted as she made her way back to him, sitting beside him on the bed.

“He’s protective is all,” Ash explains, and Roger nods a little awkwardly, “dad’s not exactly the parental type,” she adds with a humourless smile. Roger’s not quite sure what to say to this, but he’s saved from responding by Ash reaching over to her bedside table and picking up a remote.

“Did you wanna watch a movie or something?” After a beat, she amends, “I mean, if you wanna head back to the party we can –“

“I think if I head back, Dom’s gonna rip my ball off,” he says, perhaps a little too honestly, though Ash laughs, “which, okay, maybe I deserve but –“

“You’ll be safe here,” Ash assures, resting her hand on his thigh, and Roger gives her a surprisingly fond smile.

“You promise?”

“I promise,” and she leans in, kisses gently at the corner of his mouth. When she goes to pull away, he catches her chin with two fingers, pulling her back for a full kiss, and she hums happily against his lips.

“Netflix and chill?” Roger asks with a smirk as they part, and Ash gives a flushed smile.

“Something like that,” she agrees, and Roger kicks off his shoes, shuffling back on the bed until he was sitting against the headboard, with room beside himself for Ash as she flicks on the TV across from them, sitting on top of her drawers, “you want a drink?” She asks, tossing him the remote to choose what they watch, “we’ve got beer, and fizzy drink, and I think there’s some apple juice, and milk... and water, of course.” She offers a little awkwardly.

“Water would be great,” Roger grins, flicking through the movies available on Netflix, and Ash nods, heading from the room and down the stairs.

Roger hadn’t been paying much attention to Ash’s room earlier, too preoccupied with the girl herself, so he takes the moments he’s given to have a look around. The walls are pink, though he suspects that’s just how they were painted when they moved in, judging by the posters she’s got tacked up everywhere, as if trying to hide the original colour. There’s theatre posters from shows over the past few years, fliers for art shows, and hand drawn poetry reading posters that feature Oscar’s name. The movie posters she’s got up are for strange art films he’s never heard of, mostly in other languages, and there’s pages of books that have been ripped out and stuck to the wall.

The salt lamp on her beside table casts the whole room in a warm, golden glow, which highlights the gold in her green and gold floral bedspread, and he notes the clothes and notebooks and art supplies all over her floor. There’s a half-finished sculpture on her desk that he can’t quite decipher what it’s meant to be, but it’s covered in cling-wrap to keep it moist.

On the wall by her bed, there’s one of Queen’s posters that he knows Freddie designed, which makes Roger smile in a way he hadn’t expected. Beneath that, there’s a polaroid of a poem from a book; most of the words are blurry, apart from a few in sharp relief.

“[...] and all I can do is stand on the curb and say Sorry                                                       about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine.

I couldn’t get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”

It’s captioned, just below, in what Roger’s come to recognise as Ash’s handwriting, with “R” and the date that tells him it was taken just one week ago. The night Ash had gotten into that fight at Queen’s last gig.

He hears chatter from downstairs, Ash and Freddie and Oscar, but only one set of footsteps after a few minutes, and Ash returns, two mugs in hand. She sets them both down on the bedside table and closes and locks the door.

“What’s this from?” Roger taps at the polaroid of the poetry, and as he asks it, Roger seems to notice the still-healing bruises beneath her eyes and across her nose. Ash’s expression twists into something amusingly embarrassed.

“One of Oz’s poetry books,” she explained, sitting next to him and plucking the polaroid from the wall. After a moment, she settled into his side, staring intently at the polaroid, “felt like the only way I could document a poignant moment in my life.” She chuckled, and passed the picture back to him. Instead of sticking it back up, Roger looks at it again, smiling faintly.

“The fight, right?” And Ash nods in confirmation, “you never did tell me what that was all about.”

“Maybe I will one day,” Ash muses, taking the remote from him and pressing play on Detective Pikachu. Roger doesn’t push, lets her have this as he sticks the polaroid back on the wall beneath his band’s poster.

Before he settles back entirely, however, Roger gently angles Ash’s face so he can lightly kiss the tip of her nose, and her cheek bones where the bruises are fading. Ash doesn’t ask and Roger doesn’t elaborate, but they both kind of just know.

He’s connected enough dots to have somewhat of an idea about what the fight was about, and judging by the polaroid and it’s caption, Ash hadn’t been lying about having feelings for him for a while. Feelings strong enough to fight for.

[kinetic-elaboration]

November 18: Thoughts on The 100 2x07

Okay, gonna try this again with another ep. Long Into the Abyss

The last time I was watching T100 I was back at the beginning of S2 so I could remind myself of some stuff for a fic so now I’m really out of sorts.

I remember watching this ep for the first time and thinking, ‘oh, I guess Keenan isn’t going to be important, then.’ The fucked-up-ness levels of this scene are supremely underrated. Much like how they experiment on Maya--they know no shame. Also I feel like the implication is that Keenan isn’t the first person they’ve killed in this way. Does no one.... miss them? Why was there no revolt from the populace on the grounds of ‘they’re experimenting on us’ if not on the grounds of ‘they’re experimenting on these random kids’?

That Keenan was felled by rain makes me think that the rain was....dun dun dun, acid the whole time.

“Civilian check-in will take place at 0900 hours. All civilians must be accounted for by your station supervisors.” I mean first there are only two stations lol but otherwise... collecting more data for the Ark AU.

“This is not our home, it’s theirs” is SUCH a retcon and I’m still angry about it.

It makes absolutely no sense that Abby is still in charge even though the duly elected Chancellor is back in the settlement. I mean I know they’re just making shit up now but they’re not even trying.

Jaha’s faith would be more compelling if it didn’t mean randomly abandoning big chunks of his people--not just Marcus and the 48 but every other station that may or may not be out there. I guess he still sees them as a whole not as individuals or even as sub-parts. (I’d say he’s being selfish but in fact he will sacrifice himself too.)

This would have been a good time to lean even more into the 100 as a distinct people all their own. Clarke (and co.) care about the 48 than anything else. But no one else does, really; they were already thrown away.

That was the worst speech Chancellor 1 and Chancellor 2 could have given because now it’s super obvious they are not on the same page.

“The Grounders are attacking because of me” is 100% true and you should say it. People in this fandom love to hate on fuckboy Finn but the actual main characters stuck behind him right up until the bitter end lol, let’s not forget that.

Also yes Clarke’s line is stupid (”The Grounders are attacking because that’s what they do”) but.... she’s not entirely wrong that the Grounders have historically targeted them for almost no reason, over and over, since day one. So yeah they’d probably be attacking anyway. Not five minutes ago Jaha was saying they were just trying to get ‘invaders’ off their land so....yeah no one knows.

Raven’s Gate!

The Mount Weather delinquents! I love them. I love their group dynamic. I love the bizarre way Jasper is sitting, and how much faith he has in Clarke, and Monty being the voice of pessimistic reason. I do not love Monty’s hair. That is an unfortunate cut.

WE’RE CRIMINALS RIGHT SO LET’S BE CRIMINALS.

Says the boy whose crime was being a stoner.

Like tbh now that I’ve looked at the whole season from afar, trying to make it make sense for fic writing purposes, I see that this whole ep’s story line probably mostly exists just to buy some time while actual progress is made outside the Mountain but... I still love it.

Give Ricky Whittle an Emmy lol.

S2 Clarke was such peak Clarke... she’s so smart. Figuring everything out all the time.

[All Grunting]

David Miller is the true and only MVP I said what I said.

Mount Weather population: 382. You know people can give bone marrow without dying. Perhaps you could stop being so greedy and impatient.

Octavia trying to be brave and strong while looking young and scared and small is Endearing.

Totally forgot Nyko was a healer.

Or an Angel of Death lol.

I’m just going to say it. Bellamy was turned on by Clarke electrocuting Nyko.

I’m not super crazy about the Finn and Lincoln comparisons given that Finn acted of his own free will and Lincoln was turned into a cannibal.

The only scenes that really matter are the MW ones as per usual.

“Ye of little faith.”

“That’s my boy.”

I love Miller’s little thief kit omg. And Monty the Stereotypical Hacker.

“And they said we wouldn’t amount to anything.” UNDERRATED LINE.

“Abby, you cannot seriously be taking seriously the thoughts of a teenage girl we previously agreed was completely expendable lol??”

I’d say ‘why do the Grounders need such a comically large force to wipe out a tiny little enclave of scared refugees’ but of course the last time they went up against an even tinier group of refugees they got roasted, toasted, and burned to a crisp so...fair enough.

“She was Anya’s second” as in that should matter because Clarke and Anya were such good friends....?

Jaha hates not being in power so bad. Like he’s this-close from saying ‘Abby stop playing and hand over the pin to a real adult.’ Like he truly thinks she’s just fucking around and he’s entitled to the final say because...habit I guess?

Another point to Finn: if they left they would NEVER come back for the MW kids lol. What an obvious lie. Does Jaha believe his own bs??

Also someone should have pointed out that the Grounders have literally never been good faith with them. Never. Like who says that if the Ark left the Alpha Station site that the Grounders wouldn’t pursue them and kill them anyway? The delinquents abandoned the dropship site and were followed and attacked. (Am I mis-remembering or was ‘leave or die’ the offer then too?) The Ark doesn’t know how much land “belongs” to Trikru (prob because none of it does lol). Like, Jaha’s confidence that Lexa wasn’t lying to him the whole time--like every other time she opens her mouth, because almost everything she says is in fact a lie--is wildly misplaced imho.

All of that said and I completely stand by it--he’s not wrong that he’s the real Chancellor and it is ridiculous that the actual elected Chancellor has to beg the rando who just happens to have the pin to do something. Like--he is right  on the procedure but wrong on the substance is what I’m saying.

And here another example of how only the person who controls the army has real power.

Remember when Abby and Clarke had a good relationship? And it was significant and moving? Anyway another answer to ‘why are you throwing everything away on this plan’ would be ‘because it’s not a shitty plan, you’re just not hearing it out,’ or alternately ‘because we need to deserve to live as I have already said back in the pilot and walking away from MW would be morally abhorrent.’

Netflix subtitles don’t know Miller’s name lol.

MW surveillance of Alpha Station.

Honestly as soon as the stuff with the Grounders moves to the fore I just zone out. Maybe it’s because the tension is gone when you know what happens or maybe it’s because I never really believed ADC but...eh. She has a cool glove though.

They really do hammer home the idea that the MM aren’t really “alive.” Someone bring back that ‘they’re the souls in the underworld’ meta stat.

“This is our world. We deserve this.” Imo this is the hubris of the descendant of American Executive Branch survivors, the belief that, because they were chosen to live for their importance to the whole concept of America, that they now deserve not just survival but a return to that which they themselves destroyed. (I know in this universe it was some rogue AI blah blah blah--it’s more interesting if it was a nuclear war in the traditional sense in my opinion.) Dante has the other side of the argument: We are the keepers of history. The responsibility, over the entitlement. And he recognizes that this legacy is already stained, perhaps irrevocably. Is it ridiculous that he drew his line in the sand? Did he even make that decision, about the Grounders, or did his father make it? Does he think it’s okay because the Grounders are ‘savages’? Because the MM can survive without the bone marrow but not without the blood?

I’m going to be honest, I have no idea what the concept is here with saving Lincoln. Like is this real science about overdoses or just like shit made up as they went along? The only thing I got was the heart thing with the electric shock but like...unclear on the rest... is it just waiting out the detox, I guess?

The dropship has a cute tiled floor. I never noticed that.

They didn’t lie! They were just being as dramatic as possible! Griffin women specialty.

I never shipped M/inty but that was a nice moment. Love those attempts to expand Miller’s character. Also completely forgot that what Miller found was the engineering schematics.

“It’s not complicated really. We just need to keep them alive long enough for the drug to leave their system.” Okay so I was basically right. Not sure how she came to that conclusion from the fight scene but w/e.

L just strikes me as like a young person pretending to be a leader rather than like an actual leader... I’m sorry. But that’s just my read.

Anyway here she is, bad faith as always--moving the goalposts again. “You can have your truce if I get one thing”--LADY YOU GOT YOUR ONE THING THE FUCKING REAPERS HELLO. You don’t get a second thing. I mean fuck really you’re already getting two things: the Reapers and an ally in taking down the Mountain. Now you want a third thing?? No. No more things.

“The one you call Finn”--see, honestly, fake. You’re from fucking Baltimore, no one talks like this or has ever talked like this in the history of human speech.

Anyway, that was intellectually exhausting. Missed seeing my girl Maya. And even more importantly, Raven. And Bellamy had so little to do. He looked damn fine though.

[abbie-writes-stuff]

Are you willing to do a part 2 to under the fireworks?! OML, I JUST READ THAT AND IM BLOWN AWAY. MY HEART IS STILL HURTING, I NEED MORE!

Under the Stars

Word Count: 1.6k  

Part I : https://abbie-writes-stuff.tumblr.com/post/181332551514/a-scenario-where-shouto-and-his-so-are-at-a

“Guys, I found her!”

By the time the group has filed into the secluded spot where the two sat, they had already parted with diverted gazes.

“Why did you run off?” Ochako asks in worry, her amber orbs gleaming.

“I…” (Y/N) started but couldn’t find a good excuse.

“She needed some time away for some air,” Todoroki jumps in beside her, almost daring anyone to question his alibi.

Everyone else seemed to nod in agreement despite the strange excuse. A certain blond though, continues to gaze at (Y/N) with doubt but says nothing.

“Alright, then let’s get back to the festival!” Denki exclaims, eyes lighting up almost immediately. “We’ve still got about an hour or two before it ends so let’s spend that time up wisely!”

(Y/N), for the first time that night, smiles wholeheartedly and joins the crowd.

As the high from the unexpected kiss dies down, everything around her is raw again. The calming scent of night air mixed with food along with the warm summer air sends notes of nostalgia dancing through her body as she laughs and chats with all her friends.

All of that died down a bit when she sees Momo holding the bear Shouto gave her from earlier oh so close.

She silently shakes her head.

That kiss was probably done out of pity. Snap out of it.

Her (E/C) eyes cast downward, the familiar feel of a silent frown forming on her lips again. It was pitiful, truly, how much she lets herself get pushed around. And she thought she was assertive.

That same feeling of dread almost took over her again. Keyword: almost.

When a large hand places itself on top of her head, she squeaks in surprise. When her eyes meet ruby orbs, she was even more shocked.

Bakugou Katsuki meddling with a low-life like her? By the Gods, what greater spirit has caused such unbalance in the universe?

“Retard, you look dumb. Stop it.”

She blinks in confusion, but Bakugou merely scoffs.

“Why do you look so upset? It’s killing the mood,” he growls.

Lord almighty, what is this paradox?

Her baffled expression must’ve given away more than she intended. He gently smacks her head, making her flinch in shock.

“I can be nice too you know!” He rumbles in annoyance. “Now what’s wrong?”

At first, she was in disbelief. Then, she started giggling. Is this what insanity feels like? She doesn’t stop laughing until a minute later, the two are still walking side by side in peaceful bliss.

“I’m a bit shocked. What holy act have I done to be granted the care of the godly Bakugou Katsuki?” she teases, bringing the fish bag that was tied around her wrist closer to her.

He scoffs once more, not responding to the sarcastic question.

The next few minutes of walking towards the next stand was spent in silence. It was, dare she say refreshing, to walk next to the hot-blooded blonde. His fiery nature was so honest and down-to-earth that she knows he can probably figure out her problem without prying too far. Which is exactly what he did.

Slowly, he was able to piece together the bits and puzzles that she left on accident. It makes sense once you think about it. For all it’s worth, (Y/N) has been the one person who has stuck by the dual-haired boy since day one. No matter how hard he pushed, she didn’t budge because she believed it’s what he needed, and it was.

When the blonde glances at her sad (E/C) orbs, he sinks a bit too. The bubbly, loving girl was overwhelmed. Does she think he’s replacing her?

In an attempt to drag her out of her state, he stops at a shooting booth. When the group shoots him a startled look, he brushes it off and hands the stand owner the right amount of yen.

(Y/N) stands on the sidelines, watching him intently with no attention. Her mind was racing, rather, with multiple questions. What was he planning anyway? Every day leading up to this point, he has done nothing nice for her.

With (E/C) eyes casting away, Shouto takes the opportunity to closely examine the girl he has learned to love. Her expression did not give away the fact that she was upset. In fact, he almost missed it. It was only when he found her alone by the river looking rather grim did he realize something was wrong.

With a perfect score of five, Bakugou scored the chance to choose a large prize. All the large prizes were stuffed animals, hence why the group was a bit stunned when he chose this booth in particular.

What was handed to him scared the entire class. A large, blue dolphin who’s texture might as well be as soft as a rabbit’s and beady black orbs that could easily rival the bear that Yaoyorozu was given.

When he gave the dolphin to (Y/N), everyone froze in utter fear, even the girl herself. Who is this man and what has he done to Bakugou?

Instead of questioning the strangely kind action though, the (H/C) haired girl gingerly takes the dolphin from him in wonder. It was…sweet.

“What are you all looking at?” he snapped, eyes darting around him. Everyone shudders and continues to talk, trying their best to ignore their friend’s strange behavior until it was almost completely forgotten.

When they had resumed walking, the blonde bent down and whispered in (Y/N)’s ear, “Now you have a doll to carry around too.”

She gazes up at him with widened (E/C) orbs, mesmerized. He did that just so she would have a doll like the black-haired girl? How did he even notice?

Her mouth agape, she silently inhales. Then smiles with grateful eyes at her savior. All of a sudden, she feels giddy. A wave of wistfulness hits her as she hugs the dolphin a closer to her, feigning the appearance of a young doe. She mouths a small ‘thank you’, before continuing to carry on with her night as happy as ever.

This, however, was not okay with a certain heterochromatic boy. Since when was Bakugou so nice to anyone, let alone (Y/N)? He had always assumed they couldn’t stand each other, but this predicament proved otherwise.

Falling behind a bit so he can be right next to the girl, he eyes the fish bag around her wrist. For some reason, it resembled a certain someone that he knows with its red and white color scheme.

“(Y/N).”

She noticeably stiffens at the voice, hesitant to respond. Only after some seconds (but what felt like centuries to the boy) does her wondrous (E/C) eyes peer up.

“Let’s…” he starts, almost hesitant to say what was on his mind. “Let’s go—”

“Oi, can’t you see we were talking?”

With that, Todoroki looks up, shooting the blonde a malicious look. Bakugou sends one right back with just as much intent Todoroki has. Not wanting to be a part of their man-competition, (Y/N) anxiously steps back with shaky legs, goosebumps running across her skin in a sprint of fear.

The atmosphere sinks immensely as the air grows thicker and thicker. With every passing second, Mina inches closer to (Y/N) before ultimately grabbing her elbow and pulling her away from the oncoming massacre.

“Alright, enough of that! We have a few sparklers left so why not go the beachside and clear them out?” Kirishima suggests dubiously, hands already filled with bags of sparklers.

“Great idea! Let’s go (Y/N)!”

Before the girl could respond, Mina was already pulling her along to join the rest of the girls, away and away from the boy who looked at her with vast longing.

⇋⇋⇋⇋⇋⇋⇋⇋⇋⇋⇋⇋

Flickers of tangerine dances around the sparkler (Y/N) was holding zealously. It was dark by the beachside since it was rather far from the festival. How the entire group managed to walk here without anyone getting lost was beyond her, but nonetheless, she’s at peace.

Sitting at the edge of the boardwalk, the blazes that waltz around reflect against the tamed sea with stars flickering above them just as brightly, if not more.

A tall figure takes a seat beside her, throwing his legs over the planks of wood so they can hang freely, much like hers.

“You’re okay, right?” he whispers to her in a hushed tone. Todoroki glances at the sparks that prance around the small orb of light as he patiently awaits her response, just like he always does.

“Yes.” The girl smiles, admiring the way the stars above them that speckled the night sky reflect upon the ocean waves, it’s tranquil ups and downs leading back into nowhere. “I am.”

She wasn’t lying. No, not really. Perhaps it’s the way the light from both the sparkler and the stars twinkle against her brilliant eyes that matters most at the moment. This night, like said before, is a night to be happy. So she will.

Maybe she was a little bit jealous tonight, for a dumb reason at that. Just the thought of the two made her stomach churn in sadness, but now, it does nothing. Instead, it just makes her smile a bit more.

“That’s good to hear. You’ve been quiet the whole night.”

A sweet, harmonious laugh escapes her.

“Have I? Sorry.”

And she’s back.

No more fabricated smiles and falsified lies. The vivacious (Y/N) was back, much to his relief.

“Hey Shouto,” she begins with a voice so gentle and fragile. (E/C) eyes shimmer under the starlight as she brings her fish closer to her, slowly unwinding the tie that held the plastic bag together.

“I love you.”

And like that, she sets the fish free into the ocean, watching its white and red fins swim far, far away.

This took wayyyyyyyy too long and I’m so sorry

This was rushed out since I was in a hospital bed when i wrote the ending 

School is about to start again so things will take longer to get out (plus I broke a bone yesterday so yay)

But I hope you liked it anni!

[thestagthatlovedthewolf]

Before whatever happens tonight, here’s some Kane II and Abby talking and trying to know each other and move forward. Also a fill for “quotes” in the @kabbyposmeme, using one of my favorite lines, between Kane and Diyoza “You need a a doctor/So do you” :) 

This one is not explicitly kabbyoza, more friendship on their side, than romantic :) So pure angsty Kabby for you :D

ENJOY!!!!

Hope woke her up yelling, reaching for her head, with tears in her eyes.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” she asked her trying to touch her, but the girl pulled away.

“Pain, pain,” she spoke. It was one of the few words she had learned by now. It saddened her that this was a word she had needed to learn.

“Shh... baby, it’s okay,” she was starting to shake in pain. Nothing she said or did calm her down, so she couldn’t help but go for her second option.

“Stay here. I’ll be gone for just a few moments. I’m just gonna get Abby.”

She left her room with a last look behind her, walking into the empty ship, knowing where she was going, she didn’t even bother knocking into medical, but she stopped the moment she saw Abby, sleeping on a chair.

“Abby,” Charmaine called. “Doc, wake up.”

“Diyoza...” she murmured confused.

“I need you. Hope is in pain, and I don’t know what else to do.” Abby looked confused by what was happening but she got her bag and followed her to Diyoza’s bedroom.

Diyoza ran up ahead, Abby followed her and stopped at the door, seeing her friend kneeling by the bed, trying to reach her daughter.

“What happened?” Abby asked coming up to her.

“She woke up like this, her head hurts.” Abby asked Diyoza to move, and settled behind her, holding the child, massaging her brain. “What is it?”

“I’ve never seen anything like this before, Diyoza. I think it’s her brain picking up on things,” Abby told her. Hope had come out of the Anomaly looking like a seven-year-old girl, but her mind was stuck and evolving, rapidly.

Luckily it was moving forward, picking up on queues and understanding the sound and meaning of new words, which always left her with some headaches. Abby guessed that tonight she had a spur of something.

Abby only pulled Hope close to her body and kept messaging her head, as Diyoza climbed in bed with them on the other side of her child.

“You’re gonna be okay, baby,” Charmaine whispered, taking her daughter’s hand and laying their foreheads touching, helping her with the breathing.

Abby very rarely saw Diyoza this open and honest as she was with her daughter. Abby knew she was scared, any new mom was, but even more in this situation, when everything was new and you wouldn’t sure how to deal with it.

“You better?” Charmaine asked, noticing her tears stopping, and her girl did a small nod.

“I’m better, Mama,” she answered. “I know new words.”

“Tell me tomorrow, alright?” she asked with a kiss to her forehead as she nodded.

Abby continued to hold her close, keeping a hand on her temples, rubbing them, until she was falling asleep and they heard a knock on the door.

Diyoza turned on her back with a soft “come in”, which seemed to tell she knew who was at the door, the person had the code, and Abby was curious to see who it would be.

Abby wouldn’t have expected Marcus, but she should have guessed, she knew they were close. It still hurt Abby to look at him, so she hid her face in Hope’s hair feeling tears threatening to fall.

“Sorry, I didn’t know...” Marcus said, and while his voice was different, the cadence was the same Abby had known all her life. “I should just leave,” he said and she knew he was about to turn back, before asking. “What happened?”

“Hope had a headache, she woke up screaming.”

“She’s okay?”

“Abby helped calm her,” she answered. 

“I’m glad. I will leave now.”

“Don’t, Marcus. You came here for a reason,” she said. “You couldn’t sleep?”

“Not really.”

“Your wrist?”

“My leg,” he answered, and Abby listened. She didn’t know he was in pain, why hadn’t he come to her - she would have helped him.

“The injury in Indra’s village. Where Abby saved you.”

Abby felt her breathing stop at that, at the memory of another time she almost lost him and did everything to save him, she didn’t even know how much she loved him back then.

Marcus didn’t answer her, only nodded, keeping his eyes on Abby, knowing she was crying. He wanted nothing more than hold her through the pain, but also the pain of knowing that his own pain and her inability to look at him was her own fault.

He couldn’t sleep most nights, something Diyoza called phantom limb woke him up often, pain and injuries normally in members that are no longer there, for him a completely different body. One day he walked the ship and found her, and they would often just talk, sit outside her room, with the door opened, so they could hear Hope.

Abby still didn’t know what he was doing here, but he had sat on the bed now, she felt the weight of him different than what she was used to. Abby listened to him and Diyoza speak, and tried to look on him.

He looked more comfortable in his new body now, and Abby hadn’t observed him in a long time, she always made sure their paths didn’t cross. He was letting his beard grow out, still small, but the intent was there, his hair a bit wilder, less groomed. He also moved like her Marcus, he just looked different.

Charmaine could notice Abby taking glimpses at Marcus, but he still hadn’t noticed, trying to massage his leg. She knew the guilt he felt the first time they met at night, for taking someone’s body, for making Abby make this choice, and then they talked, and he knew he couldn’t waste this chance - it’s a rare thing to live twice.

But while he understood Abby’s choice, he couldn’t still feel both anger and guilt about the situation, and she knew he wouldn’t make the first move. So when Marcus when to the other side of the room to stretch his leg, Charmaine turned to Abby, and spoke.

“You need to talk to him,” she said, trying to pull her head from Hope’ shoulder.

“He hates me.”

“He does not,” he could never hate you.

“I made that to him.”

“You saved him, Abby.”

“I killed someone to do it.”

“I would do the same for Hope always. I did it for my country,” she told her. “He once told me I needed a doctor, I told him he needed one too, he still does, Abby - he needs you. Let him talk to you at least, he will tell you how he feels.”

“I--”

“He loves you, Abby. He misses you,” Charmaine said and knowing she needed a final push. “Kane, Abby can help with your leg?”

“Diyoza--”

“Just outside. Leave the door opened, I’m here if you need me.”

“Abby,” Marcus looked at her hopefully, standing. Abby is taking this chance, first speaking to Diyoza.

“Keep holding her, close to you, Diyoza, massage her temple if she moves. Call if--”

“I know. Go,” she ordered, squeezing her hand.

Abby looked weak following Marcus outside, but she could hear them sit, just like she and Marcus had so many nights. She heard silence for a long time, until Marcus spoke.

“How have you been?”

“I’m sorry, Marcus.”

“You saved me, Abby.”

“I--”

“I was mad at first, and then I couldn’t sleep and I found Diyoza. I saved you, Abby, when you didn’t want to be saved.”

“Marcus...”

“You did the same, Abby. I don’t know what I would have done in your place, and I hope to never know, but letting you die, Abby...” he said, before looking at her and finding her eyeing the other side. “Why won’t you look at me?”

“It hurts to remember you lying on the stretcher, dead.”

“I’m not dead, Abby,” he said taking her hand, and even the pressure felt wrong, but his words were so truly his. “I’m here. Here until the end of our days.”

“My days, you’re immortal now.”

“My life is you, Abby. Look at me,” he said, lifting her chin to look at him, and she saw the eyes filled with love.

“I don’t know how to do this, Marcus.”

“We learn, together. Everything is easier with you by my side.”

“The pain? You came here with pain.”

“I feel my old scars acting up, she calls it phantom limb, it was common between soldiers, who lose members of their body.” Abby recognized the term, even when she hadn’t dealt with it before.

“I don’t know how...”

“Just feeling my leg or arm and it helps, Abby. I need to get used to this body,” he spoke. “I want you to get used to this body as well.”

”Marcus...”

“I don’t mean that, Abby. I just want to spend time with you. I miss holding you, and I worry... I know you’ve been sleeping at medical.”

“I’m okay.”

“I’m worried, and so is Clarke.”

“She’s not here.”

“She asks me when she radios, and I can’t lie to her.”

“I worry for her down there. She was dead and I...”

“It was an impossible situation to know. And it’s different, Clarke was taken. I talked to Gavin’s girlfriend, he wanted this - it’s hard, but he gave his body, when Clarke never did.”

“It’s still not right.”

“It isn’t,” Marcus knew that, he knew there would always be something wrong with him. “But we move forward together, Abby.”

“Together,” she whispered, looking up to his eyes, seeing the Marcus she knew. Before, she would have kissed him at this moment, but not now, she could only squeeze his hand.

Marcus smiled at the squeeze, it was something, a step forward.

“Why don’t we go to our room?” he asked her. “We don’t need to even share the bed. I just need to...”

“I’ll go with you.”

Charmaine had heard bits and pieces of their conversation, and now that they were standing up, and coming back in, she closed her eyes, holding her daughter a bit closer.

“Let me check on Hope,” Abby said, and Kane followed her, both sitting on the bed, her hands reaching for her head, before she felt their breaths close to her, both laying a kiss on the child’s head, and Charmaine felt her hug her closer.

They wished sweet dreams to her daughter, and then they were ready to leave, but Abby still came to her, kneeling to kiss the top of her head as well, and wish her sweet dreams.

“And thank you,” she said. “I know you’re awake,” she murmured. “Thank you for making us talk, and call us if you need us.”

Charmaine nodded at that, and let them leave, glad that Marcus and Abby were on the mend, and hoping she and Hope would be okay as well.

[electricbluebutterflies]

Kabby 6+44 for the things you said prompt

Post-s2-grayspace fluff! PG-ish and also on ao3.

things you said under the stars and in the grass + things you said before you kissed me

To her surprise, they stay civil once they heal up.

The first week of this new dynamic, Abby blames on the amount of pain she's in. Movement is not at all desirable, and she's too damn tired to hide her emotions under the usual layers, and Marcus is… there, for lack of a better word. He's having an existential crisis and apparently thinks taking care of her is an acceptable way of dealing with it, and she's surprised by how little she minds. The softness of him is new and unfamiliar, but she decides she likes it.

And then he stays gentle even once she can keep up, and that is a problem.

She won't take another lover. She can't, she promised herself the moment Jake died that she'd never risk another person like that. Yes, she knows how many factors were in play and how little she actually could've done, but she still has that weight on her shoulders, that unshakeable guilt that makes her so terrified to even think about hypothetically wanting anyone. Let alone someone so distinct and so close.

This new unfolding version of Marcus Kane is not something she could've planned for - if she's honest, something he didn't plan for either. It's just kinda happening, and the changes are all such dramatic improvements, and yet he's still…

Something broke him. She broke him, she knows that much. Is it wrong to think the brokenness is the most beautiful thing she's ever seen?

They have a community to run, and that takes time and energy like nothing else Abby has ever done, but every few days he decides they need a break from administrative tasks. Today, he's decided they're going for a walk and she is not allowed to come up with any reasons to say no, and she goes with it so easily it frightens her. It won't be a full break, exactly - they'll still end up talking logistics, and likely getting more done than they would in their workroom because no one else will be in their way. Just them, in a beautiful place for a couple hours, and it will be lovely.

It's a little later than they should be out, perhaps, but she's unafraid as they slip through the main gate. As long as they're together, she's safe. It's a strange feeling, realizing that someone who was once her worst enemy has become her anchor, but she thinks she loves it. Marcus has a pistol on his hip and a knife in his jacket pocket in case of emergency, but the threat level is low and their direction is safe. Hell, they could be out the whole night and be okay now.

Not that Abby would ever think of such a thing, but they could. If they wanted to. Which she does not. At all. She's pretty sure.

"This is the first quiet I've gotten in a week," she murmurs once they're out into the wild. She's still overwhelmed by the sheer amount of green around her - it snowed a couple days ago but it's melted now, still bitter cold but in a different way than the sky was. Much more to look at, definitely.

"I know. I thought… we both do so much, and… for the next few hours, maybe…"

"Are you suggesting that we actually do nothing for a while? I am impressed."

"You haven't taken a proper break from anything in over a year, Abby. I know that's how you handle things, but…"

"And you're just as bad and have been for longer."

"We can do better here. I want us to do better."

There's something hesitant in the way he says us, like he's still figuring out all he wants that word to cover, and she picks that moment to reach for his hand. Neither of them are affectionate people, but there's comfort in closeness and this slowly-developing shift between them. Perhaps, in a few years…

"And how does going for a walk at sunset factor into this?"

"We've both had injuries recently and I think you said something about movement helping recovery? And we've both done even more than we planned to do today, and I thought… I thought you'd like a change of scenery."

It's a sweet gesture, and since when did sweet become a word that applied to Marcus Kane so easily, and if she were a slightly different woman she'd twirl around and kiss him right now because it would be appropriately reckless. But she is still guarded and probably cursed, and she's scared, and-

"Thank you."

These new feelings need to go the hell away, she decides as they continue to walk slowly in peaceful silence. She should not be feeling so fluttery around him of all people. She should not be wondering what it would feel like to feel his beard against her most sensitive places. But oh, she is human and her options are limited and maybe he does make sense, as someone who has seen her at her worst and yet is currently her favorite person, and-

"Is something wrong?" he asks at exactly the right moment.

"Feels strange to be talking to you and not thinking about putting my hands around your neck. Not wrong, just not used to it."

"Me neither, but I like this much better."

"You've… you've changed, Marcus."

"I finally saw what was right in front of me the whole time and decided to act accordingly."

Oh.

She'd expected as much - there aren't a lot of other possible catalysts for his transformation, especially given the timing - but hearing him actually say it is something else entirely and her heart melts. More than she ever could've hoped for, in this unexpected form, and-

It is all too easy to pull him down and kiss him, because she can and she wants to and she's curious, and she tastes the shock as he shifts around her and wraps her in his arms and oh, yes, good.

"We should… we should be careful about… doing that."

Fifteen years she's wondered what it would take to render him speechless. She really should've kissed him sooner.

"I'm not asking you to go to bed with me. Not yet, anyways. But I wanted to see if-"

He initiates the next kiss. And the one after. And all of the gentleness she's watched develop is brought into their collision, and all of the fire that has burned between them for so long, and it is beautifully enough.

"You're right," she murmurs. "We should be careful. Anyone else finds out we've done that…"

"I told you about the betting pool, right?"

"What betting pool?"

"You, um… it will be safer for everyone if you don't know, Abby. But it exists. About us."

"Can you at least tell me who I want to kill?"

"That's exactly why I can't."

"This new version of you is no fun."

He leans down and kisses her again, deeper this time. "Are you sure?"

"Don't take this somewhere you don't want to go, Marcus."

"I want to go there. But not… not here. I am not lying you down on poisonous plants. Sometime soon, if you want, but not in the great outdoors."

"Alright."

She kisses his cheek, because she's feeling playful, and the look on his face tells her everything she wants to know right now.

At some point in time, she bled pretty enough to wrap him around her fingers, and now… now she gets to figure out what to do with that. Hopefully they'll have time.

"We should go back towards home," she murmurs.

"We're safe a little while longer. I like the quiet."

"You like the fact that I won't be able to explain the state of my face if anyone notices the scratches."

"Well now that you mention it…"

[bees-for-the-wildmother]

The 100 Ask Game

I was tagged by the wonderful @thehundredtimesobsessed​ forever ago (or what feels like it, but I’m finally getting around to it today.

1. What Station on the Ark would you be from?

Probably Agro. My mom’s side of the family definitely has a green thumb.

2. What would you get arrested for on the Ark?

Umm...theft?

3. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground?

No. No, I would not.

4. What would the Necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh…)

DRAGON!  Dragons are my favorite.  Followed by red pandas, but I feel like a dragon would be better (I already own a few dragon necklaces).

5. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be?

Roan kom Azgeda - I miss him. <<< Same.  Possibly Wells, but I became much more attached to Roan (probably because he had more episodes)

6. Create a squad by of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they?

Bellamy, Clarke, Raven, Monty, and Murphy.  (This was basically pick your five favorite characters for me...)

7. What Grounder Clan would you belong to?

Podakru - the Lake People...I’m just going on that based on where I live, i.e. a place where there are lakes

8.  What would your name be in Trigedasleng? (example: Octavia=Okteivia…just make it up!)

Shilbi, I think that’s what they’d do with it.  I literally looked up to see if they even had a “sh” sound in their language; right when I was about to lose hope and resigning myself to “Silbi” or the like, I found a phrase with “sh”.

9. Thoughts on Finn? Some people hate him, and others love him, so I’m curious

I didn’t like him from the beginning. I didn’t hate him initially, but he got two people killed yet survived his own idiocy or taking off his seat belt. I thought he was going to be a detriment to their survival because he would take stupid unnecessary risks to show off.

10. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does?

Probably not.  My dad yells and me and my mom because we always need answers to motivations and the why of things.  I don’t think I would put something in my body without fully knowing what it is and the ramifications of taking it.

11. What character do you relate to most?

I want to say Harper, but also some Clarke.  In Harper, I see a lot of the traits I like about myself; in Clarke, I see a lot of the traits I don’t like about myself.

12. What character do you like the least?

This is difficult...I feel like it’s a cop out to say one of the villains of the show, but it’d probably be Cage Wallace.  I don’t know who it’d be out of the people who are still alive.

13. Describe your delinquent outfit. (Would you wear something like Murphy’s jacket with the spikey red shoulder patch or have a trademark like Jasper’s goggles? Be creative, yet practical)

Charcoal grey jeans with a forest green v-neck t-shirt that has those criss-crossed strips of fabric, a dark brown leather jacket, and brown combat boots.

14. Favorite type of mutant animal?

...I don’t know...a mutant fox?

15. What would your job be on the Ark?

Probably like historian, archives, or teacher or something (based on my real life career path).

16. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked?

Yeah, I’d do what I have to.  Probably would be admiring the ceiling as I did it, but I’d do it.

17. If Lexa wasn’t Heda, but she was still alive then who would have made the best commander?

I don’t know.  I feel like it there was a more ruthless, battle ready heda, the 100 (and the rest of the Ark) would have been in a worse position.

Wait! An answer came to me when I was looking at question twenty:  Lincoln!  My friend and I liked to joke that Lincoln was one of the few characters with a head on his shoulders and realistic ideas and expectations for relations.

18. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty?

I’d probably just be giggling, at EVERYTHING.

19. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? A more John Murphy approach or Bellamy Blake approach?

Definitely a more Bellamy Blake approach.

20. Who should have been the Chancellor, if anyone?

Monty.  Monty is another character who had a good head on his shoulders.

21. Would you have been on Pike’s side like Bellamy or on Kane’s side? Or Clarke in Polis?

Kane’s side. No question.

22. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s Ipod) What is the one thing you would snatch while there?

Maybe a kindle if they had that.  They probably would have different books than the Ark had, or the grounders.  Give me all the books.

23. What would your Grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint?

Probably a couple tribal tattoos on my arms, maybe connecting with something spanning my shoulders and upper back.  Definitely ALL the braids; I already wear braids in my hair a lot, but I think they would just get more intricate for the grounder style. Some nice, swirling black warpaint around my eyes when I have to go to battle.

24. Favorite quote?

For someone who regularly collects quotes (though usually from books), I don’t actually have one.  But a quick internet search and choosing quickly, I’ll say a favorite is, “I say, screw fear. I’m telling my own damn story.” (Bellamy Blake, 1.13). It reminds me a little of my one of my favorite song lyrics, “I’m the hero of the story; don’t need to be saved,” from “Hero” by Regina Spektor, which is actually a pretty decent song for the show.

25. If all of the characters were in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning?

I’m gonna go with Clarke.  She’s smart and tactical and she does what she has to do. But if it came down to a straight up fight, probably Luna; she’d have the knowledge to survive the land and the talent to survive the fight.

26. Least favorite ship? Favorite canon ship? Favorite non canon ship? NOT INCLUDING CL OR BC OR BE

Miller/Jackson - It just came out of nowhere, with no build up, and I like to see how things unfold, especially relationships, and so I’m being stubborn about them trying to tell me it’s a thing. Zaven - All I wanted was for Raven to finally find someone who could make her happy and show her what she could should have. So, yeah, I’m in denial and not the happiest person right now. (I haven’t even watched the new season yet--I know, I know, I’m a horrible fan, but I was sick and then busy catching up on life--and this is something that got spoiled for me even though I’ve been trying to avoid tumblr for a week; I blame Critical Role for encouraging me to go on Tumblr last Thursday) Minty - I found the ship in fanfiction and jumped on board quickly and happily.

27. A song that should be included in the next season? If there had to be another guest star like Shawn Mendes on the show, who would you want to make a cameo?

I’m going with the song that I actually used as a title to one of my fanfics, “Heathens” by Twenty One Pilots. (I also just am bad at knowing songs, so this I’ll stick with what I already know fits with the story)

Celebrities, another of my knowledge downfalls--seriously, if you ever want a guaranteed win in a trivia game against me, go with Pop Culture as the topic.

28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murphy for all that time?

Play card games? Drink? There wasn’t a whole lot to do.

29. Your an extra that gets killed off. How do you die?  

You wouldn’t actually see me die, I’d just be one of the bodies bloody and lying on the ground.

30. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of?

I think it’s actually Echo and/or Emori, both would be best; I’m curious about everyday life on the ground before the timeline of the show.

31. A character you’d bang?

Can I say all of them? If I have to select someone I‘d choose Bellamy, Clarke, Raven, or Roan. Basically the same answer as Toni.  Ooo, I’m adding Lincoln to the list, too.

32. Would you stay in the Bunker? Go up to Space? Or live on your own in Eden?

Assuming I could survive it (nightblood), Eden. I need my green and I don’t mind being alone, though I’d probably still talk to the radio or the animals or plants.

33. In the Bunker, would you follow Octavia? What would you do to pass the time underground?

Yup. I’m a follower.  Read, draw, think up stories.

34. What crime would you commit in the Bunker that lands you in the fighting pits?

These questions keep asking me questions with the assumption that I am not Lawful Good down to my core.  I have no idea what law/rule I would willfully break and what the circumstances would have to be for me to do it.

35. Up in Space, who would you bond with first? Who would be the most difficult for you to get along with?

Harper, no doubt about it. Probably more so Murphy wouldn’t get along with me.  He’d catch me making a face at something he said, and I didn’t honestly mean anything by it, my face just reacts, and he’d hold a grudge against me for a while.

36. How long do you think you would last on Earth by yourself?

If I had survival skills (know what to eat, how to find it, etc.) probably a long time. If I tried it at this exact moment, not very long at all.

37. When the Eligius ship lands what do you do?

Run, hide, observe, freak out. I don’t know.

38. Favorite Eligius character? Least favorite?

Shaw.  (Why must all the good ones go?) Vinson, he was creepy AF.

39. Would you Spacewalk?

Assuming I could do it when it wasn’t illegal, yeah!

40. Would you prefer to eat Windshield Bugs, Space Algae, or Bunker Meat?

Windshield bugs. I was about to say Space Algae, but then I thought about the texture it’d be, and I’m pretty sure it’d be the texture that makes me gag when I try to eat it.

41. Would you start a war for the last spot of green on earth? What would your solution be to avoid it?

Yeah no, I don’t want to go to war.  I would try to work out a way to share it.

42. Would you rather dig out flesh-eating worms or stick thumb drives into bullet holes?

I think I’d stick a thumb drive into a bullet hole.  The first is turning my stomach to think about, but somehow the second isn’t doing the same.

43. Are you willing to poison your sister for the Traitor Who You Love? What would you do to stop Octavia?

 Gut reaction against it, but that’s because I love my sister and she’s the sweetest.  But if she did what Octavia did and had that personality, probably, as long as I knew she wouldn’t be killed by it. What they did seemed to work...?

44. Would you go to sleep in cryo or stay awake like Marper?

Sleep in cryo.

45. Who are you waking up first to explore the new planet?

Clarke and Bellamy, Raven and Shaw, Murphy and Miller. <<Same, probably Emori too, she’s resourceful. 

I’m not gonna tag anyone because chances are they already did this while I’ve been avoiding Tumblr and so I missed their answers. But if anyone hasn’t done this and wants to, please tag me in your post!  I want to see what other people have to say!

[geekygoddesss]

Story of Us

Part I: How we meet

This is such a bad idea.

“So, let me get this straight” I speak, sitting on the bed while my best friend stood in front of me, looking at me like I was stupid “you meet this guy on tinder-”

“He found me” She Interrupts, correcting what I just said.

“And he invited you for drinks? Just like that?” I finish my sentence, totally letting pass the fact that Abby is being totally annoying tonight and pushing me into this kind of dumb things that could go very wrong so easily.

“Us, it’s a double date, dumbass” She says with a smile, rolling her eyes while walking into the bathroom in a poor attempt of ignoring my attitude.

“It doesn't matter, are you out of your mind? He could be a rapist or something” I argue, following her into the bathroom.”I did not flew all the way from Georgia to get raped by some guy”

This was the kind of things that sometimes made me doubt a lot of things about Abby. One thing I knew for sure is that Abby was in no way stupid and second, she was also not the kind of person that would sign up on a dating app and just date whatever guy appeared in the picture. This situation was weird for me in a lot of ways, starting from the fact that I was almost entirely sure that there must be a reason on why she is trying to set me up with someone I don’t know while setting herself with a random guy at the same time. It was so creepy, Something was up with her and to be completely honest, I don’t even know if I want to know why.  

“He isn't a psycho” she says “plus, he has a friend and he's very single” her eyebrows go up and down, looking at me with a weird look through the mirror.

“How do you know?” I scoff, leaning in the door watching her brush her teeth “You said this guy is an actor? Like a TV one or whatever?” I say, almost just speaking to myself, this was just a crazy and not good idea, I can’t believe we’re even doing this “I don’t know about you but I smell bullshit”

‘I’m telling you, it isnt” she says with a mouth full of foam before rinsing it all off in one quick move “I don’t know, I actually have no idea what he's done, but why are you so surprised? This is LA, every 3 of 10 people does acting” she rolls her eyes, turning to look at me as she spoke “the others are instagram models and tourist”

I scoff, shaking my head at her statement “Then there's me” I say taking a step closer to her “I really don't feel comfortable with this” I mumble.

“It's going to be fun, I promise” she smiles putting her hands on my shoulder and moving me out of the way “from what we talked he seemed pretty fun”

“Huh” I nod, that did not convince me at all.

“And if you think about it, it's a very good and fresh way to start the weekend” she adds, jumping on her bed before yelling out loud “we’re getting laid!”

“Jesus Christ” I groan, this is probably why the neighbors hate us, not my fault at all, but I am sure it’s pretty self- explanatory. “Listen, I am not even sure If I am going to be able to go” I tell her as she jumps off the bed and checks herself out in the mirror, she’s pretty hyper right now. “I have a block” I excuse, even though I wasn’t lying at all.

“You always say that” she says, rolling her eyes.

“Well, I have it and I need it to go away” I say sitting down on the bed as she walked around the room. “Writer’s block is no joke”

“Well I’m helping you here!” Abby exclaims turning to look at me“What better way to get out of a block than making out with a guy you meet in one night?”

“I’m not making out with anyone” I laugh.

“We’ll see” she says, jumping on the bed, right beside me “It’s just one night, C’mon”

I look at her and she looks at me, I analyze all of my options. Maybe there is some kind of way where I can get out of this one and she would let me be, I would have the apartment to myself and I could overcome my block, but one thing was for sure, If that happened she would hate me for a while, she took dates very seriously and although this is the first time she has ever dragged me into a double date with her but I could see in her eyes she was really looking forward for this and it would be really shitty of me to just turn this down.

Do I really have any other option, anyways?.

“What can you tell me about him or his.. friend?” I say finally giving up, there was no way I could get out of this one.

She yells and claps with her hands in pure excitement “Well, they’re visiting so they won’t be staying long” she explains to me before smiling widely and saying  “They’re english”

My eyebrows raise “Oh la la” I joke in a french accent.

“Sono così emozionato” she answers in italian “Whatever, they are here for like a month or whatever and I just told them we would show them around” she smiles and shrugs. she gets up her spot and walks through the room again as if she was done

“That’s all you know?” I ask her, that did took me by surprise, I was hoping she knew at least a little more about this guy.  

“Pretty much” she says, reaching for her makeup bag “besides the fact that I’ve seen his picture and in my book he seems pretty hot for a white boy, so i’m down” She says shortly looking at me but still being to focused on her reflection in the mirror.

“That’s so…-nevermind” I say rolling my eyes. I was going to say something else, but I’d rather shut my mouth than having her fight me for a while “Can I see him?” I ask.

“No!” she laughs, shaking her head.

I chuckle “Oh, c’mon, so now it’s top secret?”

“More like a surprise” she wiggles her eyebrows  “It’s going to be so fun”

“It better be” I point at her and let my body fall on the bed “But if they turn out to be a pair of weirdos or a hot mess of a date, I’m making you pay for it”

“I don’t doubt that” she laughs and turns to look at me “Hurry, we have to be out that door soon” she says, now walking my way and looking at me more in detail “Are you wearing that?”

I look down at my outfit “What’s wrong with this?” I say, pointing down at one of my most fancy shirts and jeans I had on, I didn’t look like a freaking model, but I think I look decent enough.

“Oh honey, you need to learn so much” she laughs and grabs my hand, pulling me out of the bed.

This was already starting to feel like one long night.

                                                           ***

Two and a half hours later, the two of us are sitting at one of the countless tables at the bar, Abby really did a good choice on the place, it was very nice and subtle, not too loud, people weren’t trying to desperately get you drunk to start the night, just a nice place to have a first date in, she really knew what she was doing.  

“Are they here?” I ask her taking a sip of my soda as she looked around the place

“I don’t know, I don’t see them” She says shrugging not taking her eyes from her surroundings.

I shrug “Maybe we gave them wrong directions”

“Honestly, this is the only bar with the name 21 around the area, maybe they're just stuck in traffic” she says as another option of what could be the reason of why they are kind of late. However I don’t care too much how late they are, as long as they actually make it, this is LA, everyone was late for everything.

I stare at her for a long moment before coming to a very strong conclusion, I know understand the meaning of being the ugly friend. I really do. Not that I was completely ugly, but compared to her tonight, I was looking like I should have a little touch of femininity, which is something I had a lack of, most of the time. Her yellow blouse made the perfect contrast with her dark skin while her skinny jeans made her have some killer curves that would for sure make any man crazy for her. I was jealous, I wish I could look as good as her right now.

Her eyes light up when turning to the side, looking straight at the door of the bar, she waves her hand to someone and smiles widely, I guess that’s a good sign.

“Oh my gosh, they’re here, I see them” She says almost mumbling, turning to look at me “Play cool” she warns me, getting up from the table and basically making me do the same as her, as she makes me leave my drink down to stand up.

“I am” I say, standing up right beside her as she looks around, I recognize two guys in between the crowd, I don’t know any of them but they are probably the ones we are supposed to meet since they are clearly the only guys approaching us. “I’d like a heads up, though, who am I looking at?” I say, just making sure I didn’t eventually fuck up.

“Okay, so, blondie tall boy is your date and the brunette is mine” she explains quickly as she smiles at the two guys, who wave at us when they are getting closer and closer “Wave back” she instructs me, I do.

“he’s cute” I whisper to her as they are already too close to probably hear me if I speak normally.

“I know” she smiles to them before whispering “Gosh, I hope they’re not psychos”

She seems too happy to see both these guys here, the moment they reach our table she yells the name of her date and hugs him thigh, as the other guy welcomes me with a hug too, which is pretty much awkward, seeing that I don’t know this guy at all and he is already hugging me, adding the fact that he is quite attractive is somehow overwhelming to me.

“This is (Y/n), my best friend” she introduces me to the other guy as he approaches my way.

“Tom” He says with a lovely smiling and a welcoming hug. It felt weird, really weird. Not only because I just hugged two very attractive men, but also because there was something inside me telling me something about this night, something about tonight felt different, I don’t know what it was or how something could happen, but I could feel it inside of me.

“Harrison” Says the guy I just hugged, smiling towards me as he introduced himself for both of us. I guess he is my date for the night, I can’t say I am mad about it at all. “We didn’t take too long, did we?” he says, almost as an apology. Somehow, I almost seem surprised by the strong english accent coming out of him, I knew they are English, but the accent just seems to suit them perfectly. It was a nice add on.

“Oh no” Abby says waving it off, pretending like we haven’t been waiting here for more than thirty minutes. “We just got here, Sit down, please”  she smiles, walking to my side and sitting on the spot right beside mine, signaling me to sit beside her as the guys took the opposite sit.

“Oh, hold on” Said that Tom guy, before getting on his seat “can we pick some drinks for you, Ladies?” he says, waiting for our response as Harrison gets up too.  

“I’ve got you covered” Abby says, snapping her fingers in the air, in a matter of five seconds one of the many waitresses in the place comes to our table with a tray full of drinks and shots. great. Now, they’ll probably think we’re super rich and powerful or something, which is definitely not the case.

The boys sit back down on their spots and we all pick a drink up, ready to start up the night. Abby looks incredibly happy and before even trying a little bit of her own drink, she raises her cup and says in a cheery and a little bit of an exaggerated tone “For an amazing night”

I see the guys smiling at her and I laugh, this seemed a little bit dramatic in my opinion, but who cares? This was already starting to look like a great night and we might as well take a drink for it.

“Cheers” the rest of us say almost at the same time and all of our cups touch in one smooth move.

I drink, the taste was strong on my tongue but very sweet, I was loving it so much, I just hoped it didn’t make me drunk for the night. I was happy though, the night was still young but this somehow felt right. My best friend is here, we have two handsome gentlemen as our dates for the night, this was just too good to be truth and it felt right, I felt incredible, this is right.

                                                        ***

The night went on faster than expected, it wasn’t over, but it still felt like everything was happening a little too fast for my liking. One moment we were on the bar, laughing at twisted stories and drinking, having a great time and on the blink of an eye we were on the beach, walking right by the ocean and talking about everything and nothing, getting to know each other better and making this night last longer.

At this point, I was really starting to doubt on my ability to talk to a guy at all. Yes, my date was just too nice and sweet, but all of this time I have been just hearing and adding things to all of Abby’s stories, never telling my own or talking a little bit about my life, I was just there to listen to everyone and make some presence, which wasn’t wrong at all, I just would like my date to know I am a little more interesting than that.

However, In a matter of a second, this date took an interesting turn for everyone. We were passing right by the small line of stores placed right by the beach when Abby spotted down some kind of merch about her favourite show, apparently, Harrison was also a big fan, one way or another the conversation they both started was becoming bigger and a deeper than ever, to the point were before any of us could realise they were walking away from us and leaving me and Abby’s date all alone.

Neither of us saying a word while walking alone the sightly crowded street. A very awkward moment I was not ready for, I needed it to end now, before It could be any worse.

“So, actor” I say, being the first one to break the ice, catching his full attention in a second  “How’s it like? Does it freak you out to pretend to be someone else? How useful is it in the real world?” I ask, trying to not sound too annoying or repetitive when making that question. Sometimes I could be a little too specific when making my questions and that’s exactly what I did not want for now.

“Oh, That’s a great, great question” he says with a little smile, I was really hoping I was not making this awkward, I just really needed to start up a conversation. “Well, What can I say? I’ve been on this for a long time and I really love my job” He says “It’s very useful in real life, If you were wondering, you’d be surprised on how helpful it is in certain- situations” he says elaborating a little more “Not that I am using it right now-”

“Huh” I nod, interrupting him mid sentence with a chuckle, I could sense a little freak out on his voice and being completely honest, it was kind of funny. “Good answer”

“Good question” he says back, almost as a compliment.

“I am hoping to go to school soon for that actually” I say as a nice add on, finding it a great fact about me to put on the table  “People say I'm good at making questions”

“I see” He chuckles softly “Is that school here in LA?”

“No, it’s actually in London” I smile proudly. That was something I was very proud about, going to school there would be such a privilege for me, I was really hoping I could get in this school soon.

“That’s amazing” Tom says raising his eyebrows almost as if he was surprised  “It’s a beautiful place, you’re going to love it”

“So I’ve heard” I nod, blushing a little.

We fell into an awkward silence so easily. We walk and walk but none of us say anything at all, now I am almost completely sure that my skills with men are almost null. none existent. Zero.

Step it up, (Y/n), C’mon.

“On the scale of 1 to 100, How famous are you?” I randomly ask, making him look at me with a really strange look “Please feel free to be as precise as you can, I need to tell my mom about it”

“Your mom?” he laughs, His accent now sounding stronger than ever.

“Yeah, she kind of told me I needed to tell her about every celebrity I met here in LA or ever” I chuckle, while telling that little fact my mom always reminded me of “She’s probably a fan” I add “She knows like every human being that does some kind of entertainment, you’d be surprised”

“Hm ok” he says with a nervous chuckle “1 being not famous at all and 100 being a super famous celebrity, Like, the kind that barely are able to breathe because of -y’know - paparazzi and all that” he explains “I would say I am a solid 60” he says, being really confident with his answer.  

“oh, holy shit” I say, not expecting that answer at all “I might have to do my research about you, sir” I scoff “First name Tom, Last name?”

“Holland” he completes in a quick second.

“Alright” I nod with a smile “I might have seen you somewhere around”

He laughs, nodding “Yeah, maybe”

We keep walking in silence, Now being a lot less uncomfortable than a few seconds before. I can hear our friends in front of us, laughing at something we couldn’t hear and I smile, I was glad Abby is having fun, she seems really happy.

“I believe,Your date just ditched you for my date” Tom says, chuckling at his own comment.

“Oh” I say, just actually realizing that really happened, I am now date-less “Yeah, I guess”

He nods “They look happy, though” he mentions and indeed, they do, they look really happy “Good to know this little meeting is having it’s results”

I laugh “I mean, that’s what tinder is for, right?” I say shrugging “It’s making its magic on our friends”

“Yep” he chuckles “I guess” he says in a mumble “It’s kind of funny because It was my idea”

“Was it?” I act surprised, even when it was a very bad impression. “Can’t really say I am not surprise, why would someone like you use Tinder?” I ask with all honesty. I don’t really get why would any of this guys use the app when being that attractive and apparently famous. In my head that made no sense.

“I don’t know” He says with a small shrug “I like meeting new people, you know?” he says “but also, the fact that I’ve never had a real date in years is playing a big role right now”

“No way” I say with a frown as I stop in track "you can't be serious" "I am" he shrugs, stopping right beside me "not a single date in at least, two or three years" "Wow" I say in real surprise, now that was something odd to hear. I really don't get why someone like him doesn't get a date with anyone, I mean, he wasn't bad at all, in fact, he was really, really attractive. I do understand why Abby was so eager to come to this date, but now that she moved on to be with his friend instead of him, I am not even sure if I am a good replacement at all. I am not Abby or at least as attractive as Abby, but I will do my best to make him feel like I'm worth his time. I'll just be myself and whatever happens, happens. "Well, I am on the same boat as you are" I chuckle looking down "I've never really been on a real date before" I say shrugging "I have a special power to keep males away from me" I joke with a small chuckle “What’s your specialty?” “Probably being awkward” he laughs and shakes his head "It's ridiculous, you won't believe the amount of times I've turned normal situations into the weirdest thing ever" "No way, honestly, are you that awkward?" I say, really doubting if I should or should not believe him. "Again, you'd be surprised" he says with a chuckle.

Surprisingly from this point, the conversation went on pretty well. One way or another, we ended up walking along the end of the sidewalk in a good but slow motion until we reached the very end, both of us telling stories about our life and getting to know at least a snip of each other’s life before this came to an end, because somehow right now it was starting to feel like the climax of the night and I didn’t know how to feel about it yet.

I leaned against the wall behind me as Tom narrated one of his “best” stories to me, not that it wasn’t a good story, it was actually really good, but to be honest, he seemed to have such an interesting life, I kind of doubted this was really one of his best stories. It was too funny anyways.

"Once, I showed up on a costume party that was apparently not a costume party, I showed up wearing a Lycra suit and everyone thought I was crazy"  He says as he tries to top my last history with his. We’ve been having this competition for a while on who has the most embarrassing moment, I don’t know who is winning, but this is just too fun I could go on forever. "What?" I laughed shaking my head “No way” "The most awkward moment of my life" he says laughing with me, giving me more details about the story as I kept laughing. "Oh shoot" I say shaking my head while laughing "ok I guess I'll have to compete with that" I breath, trying to remember any of my many stories to top that one "the day I had my first kiss, burped right in front of the guy" I said and my cheeks instantly went red "not my fault, by the way" "How did that happen?" he says breaking into a laugh. "Well, i guess it'd be totally unnecessary to explain how a burp happens" I say rolling my eyes "but in my defense, Before that I had some Starbucks so That explains pretty much everything"

“Oh god” he says still laughing and shaking his head at the visual of that moment “I’m winning though”

“Are you?” I raise and eyebrow at his statement “Are you proud?” I ask.

he smiles at me and shrugs, I could see it in his eyes, he was proud of winning our dumb competition, that was something odd, but honestly, I was glad he won, at least I know he has handfuls of good stories to tell. "Guys" Abby’s voice calls for us, interrupting our little moment and stepping into our conversation just like so. We both turn to her waiting for what she has to say, she looks at us with a smile before making her little announcement "Uh, so, I think Harrison and I will be on our way back" "Oh, already?" I ask, pouting a little, it kind of felt a little soon to end the night, but there’s not much I could do about it "well, I guess we'll be right behind you" I say looking at Tom for a second, who just nods in response. “Is it my turn to call the uber?” I ask her but before I could say anything else she stops me. “Actually, I think we’ll take a long way” She says, throwing me this look that tells me pretty much everything. She wants alone time with him. “Oh, it’s okay, I’ll just- I’ll take an uber” I say nodding, totally understanding that my main goal right now is just to disappear for them to have some alone time I later on expected to hear about. “I’ll go with her” Tom says, stepping into my side “I’ll walk from there” he says to his friend, nodding at him that he will be just fine. “Good” Abby cheers, giving a little jump on her feet as she walks up to Tom and gives him a big hug “This was so much fun, thanks for coming” she says as she separates from the hug to then Hug me “I’ll see you later” she whispers on my ear “Good luck” “Yeah, yeah” I say chuckling and rolling my eyes as I hugged her back.

She walked back winking at me as she reached Harrison side, she grabbed his hand and pulled him on the sidewalk so they could start walking now.

“Bye mate” He waves to Tom as they walk away from us.

“Later” he says waving back to them.

Again, as we watch them walk away to the “long way”, we fall into a weird silence that surprisingly doesn't feel like an uncomfortable one at all. We turn to look at each other and smile awkwardly, basically reading each other’s mind, asking us what to do next since both of our friends just left without us. Maybe we would really walk me home, or maybe it was just an excuse and this is where we part ways. I hoped not, to be honest, I was having fun tonight.

“So” he says, starting off a new conversation “Let me be honest with you, I don’t think I want to take a cab”

I chuckle and nod in agreement “Me neither” I shrug as a quick response “Lucky us, I know a short cut, we don’t need to take a cab” I say with a smile.

“Really?” he says in fake surprise, I already told him I’ve been living here for at least six months, he knows I know a shortcut.

“This one is special, though” I smile, adding some mystery to my voice. “I don’t think you’re ready”

“Am I not?” He raises an eyebrow in surprise “Wow”

“Yeah” I shrug “You clearly aren’t, but, I’ll make an exception” I say, grabbing his hand and walking to the opposite side where our friends left “Just because you’re famous”

He laughs and leads his free hand to his chest “I am so honored”

“Oh, you should be” I say shooting him a smile “Because I am about to enlighten your night”

                                                          ***

“How do you feel?” I ask as we step into the front door of my building.

I held a little cup in my hand with Ice cream inside and I balance it out in a single hand as I tried to find my keys so we could get In for a little while before he had to leave. This has been great, I don’t think I have ever had such a great conversation with someone until tonight, we talked, we laughed and before we could notice we were in front my favourite Ice cream shop in the world, that happened to be just a block before my building, I always will feel grateful for that.

“I don’t think I am” he says as he takes another taste of his ice cream “This is such a game changer, Who the hell thought about making Rum with caramel cake? this is amazing” he says with true excitement as we enter the building.

“I know right?”  I chuckle, taking a bite of my ice cream “It’s my favorite place ever, we don’t have those in Atlanta”

“Well, that sucks because this is amazing” he says chuckling, still with a mouth full of Ice cream.

We take the stairs up and we talk as we reach my floor, which happens to be about six floors up. He seems happy and I appreciate it, I had a feeling he would like this little extra I just added to this night and I am glad my feeling didn’t fail me.

“How long have you lived in LA, again?” he asks as we walk down the hallway.

I sigh and think about my answer, it was kind of difficult to remember for some reason “Six months, maybe seven” I shrug “I won’t stay here for a while, Abby is the one living here, I just make her some company”

He nods “That’s nice of you” he says “So you’re moving to London?”

I laugh as we get to my door and I stop right in front of it “Nothing is really 100% sure, yet, I’m still waiting for my acceptance”

“Right” He nods, and we stop talking.

He looks around the hallway, almost as he was checking everything out, but on the other side, I am just putting my ear against the door, just making a quick check to make sure that there are not any disturbing noises inside that warn me to not come in, but thank god, I don’t think Abby is home yet, so I guess I have a couple of hours for myself.

“You know what? You’re kind of cool” He says out of the blue, really taking me by surprise. I turn around and even when he kind of took me by surprise, I am really trying to not look like an idiot “You are kind of cool too” I say with a sincere smile. “Maybe we should- you know- keep in touch” He says with a bit of nervousness in his voice  “just saying, You showed me around tonight, maybe I could do the same for you while you’re at London, it’d be better than asking a stranger to do it, right?” he chuckles “I mean, we’re already strangers but you know what I mean” “Are you asking me for my number?” I raise an eyebrow and smile to him a little. I could feel he was nervous, maybe a smile would remind him to take a breath and calm down. “Yeah, basically” he nods awkwardly.

I smile and nod softly. He hands me his phone over to me and I write my own contact name on his list, I make sure to put every number in the right place, just to avoid any possible accident that could happen.

When I hand him his phone back, he smiles widely to me. I know, I am glad that we are keeping contact in a way.

“Want to come in?” I offer, while I put my key through the lock.

“Oh, no, thank you, I have a thing tomorrow, I should probably go” “Thanks for the ice cream though”

“You paid” I chuckle.

“You found it” he says back

I smile and laughs softly, letting out very old school “Touche” before opening up the door.

When I step inside just a little, I already can see him from the corner of my eyes, turning around to walk away, looking down at his phone that still had my contact showing on the screen, full display. “Tom” I call his name, he turns around in my direction. “Yeah?” he says with a soft smile. “I had fun tonight” I smile at him, letting my body hide behind my door. “I did too” he says with a small nod as he took steps back “I’ll text you later” “Good night” I wave my hand at him as I watch him walk away.

“Bye” He says winking an eye at me and disappearing on the stairs right around the corner.

For some reason, it takes me some time to get myself moving from the front door to my actual room. It’s weird how everything started with being a really random double date to coming over and meet a guy who would connect so well with me. Whatever this was, it was weird and I had no idea how this was supposed to work from now on.

Maybe it was not going to end in something, by any means, but maybe it would. However, something inside of me told me this time something was up and I had no idea what, whatever it is, I just hoped it is good.

I jump on my bed and close my eyes, after a while of walking around the city I was already starting to feel a little tired of it. My eyelids were already feeling heavy from the moment my head touched the pillow and without caring one single bit what I was wearing, I went ahead and tugged myself in bed, ready to call it a night.

The moment I close my eyes is when I feel my phone buzzing. It had to be a text from Abby, but surprisingly, it wasn’t.

Just checking it :) I’m omw to the hotel, hope it’s not a fake number

You bet I am, tinder boy

Good to know :)

So how well do you know the city? Hope you don’t mind showing me around  

Call me when you’re free :)

Now, I definitely had a feeling this was going to be unique.

[champagnememoirs]

Soft as a Rose, Sweet as Wine - A Clexa AU -  Chapter I

Her roommates were gone already. Octavia and Raven loved going to the farmer’s market on early Saturday mornings. They never bothered to try and take Clarke anymore though. Not since the day she threw a pair of shoes at them for waking her up before noon on a weekend. There was still a small dent in her door from where the heel of her stilettos had made contact. Octavia had closed the door just in time to escape the damage herself.

Normally, Clarke made it a habit to stay in bed as late as possible on any day she could. Today, she was restless with memories of a past she tried so hard to forget.

“Get it together griffin! We don’t have time to wallow,” she thought to herself, as she jumped off the counter.

Once showered and dressed, Clarke left her apartment and headed into the busy city. She had errands to run and she couldn’t put them off just because she was in a particularly dreary mood.

At two forty-five, Clarke looked at her phone to see that she had missed three calls from Raven. She opened her messages to text her when suddenly, with a small jerk of her feet, she began to feel weightless. The weightlessness was quickly shattered by the feeling of her entire body slamming into the concrete floor. She shut her eyes tightly in pain.

“Oh my god! Are you alright?”

In her daze of pain and vertigo, Clarke wasn’t quite sure where the voice was coming from. She slowly opened her eyes and looked around, squinted, and looked up to try and find the voice.

“I am so sorry!”

A sloppy wet tongue licked the side of Clarke's face causing her to quickly come out of her stupor and stand up. Wiping her wet cheek, she looked down to see the culprit of her ungracious fall. A white and gray ball of fluff was smiling up at her with his tongue out and a glint in his eyes that showed no remorse. Clarke had been so involved in her phone that she didn’t see the furball’s leash and triped.

“Are you hurt?” came the voice again.

“No, but you should really - “ Clarke stopped talking as she looked into greenest eyes she had ever seen. So deep it was impossible not to get lost in them. “You should be more cautious of your dog” she finished, in a much gentler voice than she initially intended.

“I know, I’m so sorry. We are still in training. We were walking fine but he saw a bird and ran off. I wasn’t fast enough to catch his leash.” The green eyed girl explained as she picked up the furball’s leather leash and held it firmly in her hand. She gave the dog a stern look which was quickly softened with a small smile.

Clarke looked down at the dog. It was impossible to be mad at him when he was looking up at her as if he had no care in the world. “It’s alright. What’s his name anyway?”

“Aries” she replied with a soft smile that made Clarke’s heart skip a beat.

“As in the god of war?” Clarke bent down to pet the little fluff and he immediately flopped down and turned his tummy for a rub. "He sure doesn’t seem very fierce."

“Yeah, well I figured a fierce name would keep him from being bullied by the bigger dogs,” she laughed. “My name is Lexa, by the way.”

“Clarke.”

“Were you hurt Clarke?”

“No, not really. I might have a bruise on my knee but it’s not a big deal”

Clarke smiled at Lexa and she lit up at the shy smile that came across her lips as she looked down and tucked her loose waves behind her right ear.

“Well Clarke, it was a pleasure meeting you. Aries is delighted as well even though he's sorry to have been the cause of your fall,” she gave the dog another stern look that somehow didn't seem so threatening. Lexa didn’t want to be too obvious but the way Clarke was looking at her made her want to both run away and fall into her arms right then and there.

“Likewise. Aries is very adorable. Much like his owner” Clarke wanted to slap herself. Did she just say that? What was wrong with her? She had let herself get lost in those green eyes and no longer had control of her own words. A slight blush crept up on her cheeks and she looked down in embarrassment.

“Thank you” was the only reply Lexa could muster. Her cheeks red and an inevitable smile on her face. “Perhaps we will see you around?”

“Perhaps” Clarke replied.

“Come on Aries, you have caused enough trouble for one day. Let’s go home.” Lexa turned and walked away. When she reached the corner, she looked over to where Clarke was standing and gave her a small smile before disappearing.

Clarke made her way back to her apartment and opened the door. There stood the ever impatient Raven Reyes, she must have heard her keys in the lock. Without even allowing her to set her keys down on the hallway table, she dove in with the Reyes Inquisition.

“There you are! Where have you been? Did you forget we were are having our monthly roommate bonding lunch today? Octavia and I have been waiting for you for the past 30 minutes! The food is cold now!”

Damn it! She thought to herself. I KNEW I was forgetting something today! She had to think of a good excuse - and fast. Last time she missed roommate lunch, she got guilt-tripped into volunteering to wash the dishes for two weeks. “I will have you know that I didn’t forget. I was about to call you and let you know I was on my way when I was attacked by a dog.”

“Oh my god! Are you alright? Were you bit?” Octavia appeared from the dining room with a concerned look on her face. “Do you need a doctor? A rabies shot? Should I call your mom?” She was already reaching for her phone and searching for Abby's number.

“No! Don’t call my mom. It’s alright. I’m alright” She said as she reached out and lowered Octavia’s phone.

Raven rolled her eyes. “Octavia, you always overreact. She is just saying that because she doesn’t want to have to wash the dishes for two weeks again”

“I wouldn’t lie!” Clarke put on an indignant look and tried to look innocent.

“Right. Well, lunch is served. Let’s eat, because I am starving and you’ve kept me from Octavia’s delicious cooking for too long already.” Raven started to move into the dining room and Octavia followed with a little concern still showing in her face.

The dining room had been arranged with flowers in all colors. The food looked amazing and Clarke’s mouth watered at the sight. They each took a seat around the small round table and took a moment to appreciate the display of food in front of them.

“O, this looks amazing!” the appreciation and pride in Clarke’s voice evident. Octavia had worked very hard to become one of the top chefs in the city, and despite their years of friendship, she still blew clarke away with her skills.

“It really does” chimed in Raven. Although not the most affectionate, she always praised Octavia on her work.

“Thanks guys,” Octavia smiled and started eating. “I tried a few new things so you have to be honest if you don’t like it,” after a few bites, she turned her attention to Clarke again. “So, tell us more about this dog attack”

Clarke looked a little sheepish. “Dog attack ... is a little bit of a strong statement," she started hesitantly. "It was more like I didn’t see him and tripped on the leash. I fell and hit my knee but I’m fine” she said quickly noticing Octavia's concern.

“I knew you were lying. You still think you can lie to me Griff, but you should know better,” was Raven’s smug response.

Clarke rolled her eyes and proceeded to tell them about Lexa and Aries. She told them about gray and white patches and Aries’ sloppy kiss and about green eyes that seemed to mesmerize anyone who looked into them.

“So did you get a number?” Octavia was fully invested in the story.

“No. I was nervous and afraid of doing something lame so I just watched her walk away” Clarke took another bite to keep from grimacing at her own stupidity.

“Right. Because THAT’S not lame at all” retorted Raven. “Where’s your game at Griff? You don’t just let a pretty girl walk away like that! You get the digits! ALWAYS ask for the digits!”

“I don’t know, maybe I’ll see her around and I’ll get a second chance” Clarke was hopeful that fate would be in her favor. For once. “Maybe I’m not ready and that’s why I choked”

“Well, you’ll never know if you don’t get back out there and try. It’s been three years since Finn” Octavia spoke his name with caution. Always gauging Clarke’s reaction as she spoke.”I think you’ve waited a good amount of time. You deserve to find happiness,” her voice was gentle and showed her concern.

“O is right Clarke, you don’t want to be alone for the rest of you life do you? I know that only you know what’s best for you; but, perhaps this is a sign that it’s time to let go,” Raven was always uncharacteristically gentle when she spoke of Finn.

Clarke pushed the memories out of her head and smiled at her roommates. “Maybe you’re right. I don’t know. For now, let’s just eat and enjoy our day” She took another bite and the girls quickly dropped the subject. As they always did when Finn was brought up.

They moved on to lighter topics. Catching up on the week’s events and planning what they were going to do that night. The day was full of laughter and teasing. There was shopping and dancing and drinks and food. By the time they returned home, tired and feet aching from a night of going from club to club, it was almost four in the morning.

Clarke laid in her bed, a faint smell of alcohol and cigarettes in her hair. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but from the depths of her mind, all she could see were bright green eyes looking back at her as if they knew the secrets of her soul.

Get it together Clarke, you’ve only even met her once!. She tried to push away the thought of piercing green eyes and get some sleep, but as she closed her eyes and drifted into a dream, all she saw was green. Green, like a forest on a rainy day.

Not too far away, Lexa slept with Aries at her feet; dreaming of eyes the color of the sky on a sunny day.

Chapter 2

[nickrbockr]

Simon Vs Fan Fic: Chapter 8 - Chemistry Plus Timing Times Confidence

Ao3

November didn’t last long and we were all finding ourselves at the airport to fly home for Thanksgiving. Leah and I booked our flight together, of course, and we sat at our gate with snacks, Leah with something healthy, me with Oreos of course. She was using airport wifi to work on a last-minute article for Buzzfeed and I was texting Bram and playing time wasting games on my phone.

Thanksgiving wouldn’t be all fun and games for Leah this year. As a member of the five-year reunion committee they took this advantage to schedule a meeting to help decide when and where (and if time, why?).

I broke the news to Mom and Dad that I decided to propose to Bram alone. Mom was hiding the fact she was just a little disappointed with rehearsed responses, but she was still supportive. Dad was supportive and he let me know that this was unlike me.

“So you’re going the surprise route. I must say that I’m surprised you picked that path. Bram won’t know what’s coming.”

Dad also told me he had finally taken care of the rings, but that I couldn’t see them yet.

“I want it to be a surprise to the both of you.” Dad told me over the phone. This, surprisingly, only hiked up my anxiety a little.

Since Halloween weekend with Bram, I’ve been uncharacteristically calm. I felt like I experienced an awakening and became more mature. Or that I've been being slipped Valium by Leah unknowingly. Either way, it was a weird feeling as I’ve lived with anxiety Simon for so long.

“Okay Dad, I get it, but I’ll need to see them eventually, like when I actually propose to him?” I say sarcastically.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, don’t worry you’ll love it!”

I hung up the phone and Leah looked at me with nostalgia. “I can’t believe it’s already Thanksgiving. This year has flown the F by.”

“You’re telling me, the show opens next week. It felt like I just came back from visiting Bram.”

After that weekend, Bram returned to flying under the radar, though he always made sure to text me between classes and work. Seems his busy year picked right back up, but he’ll be home this week for Thanksgiving, giving us an opportunity to spend a decent amount of time with each other.

“We’re two months away from the proposal,” Leah started, patting my knee. “How do you feel?”

“We're?” I laugh. “Yeah, I feel really great about it.”

“Good, you should. I think it’s nice you’re doing it privately.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s so unlike you that it will be an honest surprise to Bram. He’ll love it.”

Her phone vibrated and she laughed.

“Ian says hi.” She showed me a picture on her phone of Ian taken in our kitchen after finding the food we  cooked for him. It was a surprised and happy face. He couldn’t go home this year for Thanksgiving and Leah and I didn’t like that, so we cooked him all the typical side dishes found at Thanksgiving and left him instructions on how to cook the small chicken. I know it wasn’t turkey but we didn’t think Ian could eat an entire turkey in a few days…right?

“So Ian’s cool,” I state, obviously trying to pick Leah’s brain over a suspicion I’ve had for a few months. They were subtle hints, but only ones me or Nick could have picked up.

“Yeah, he is. It’s nice you have him up here so we can share your Simonisms.” She said as she bit into her apple. “I was worried because I didn’t have Abby or Nick to help me, but everything worked out great.”

“Uh-huh…you know, Ian has yet to have a long-term girlfriend, just so you’re aware.” I pretended to go right back to the game on my phone.

Leah turned and eyed with a defensive glare. “And why would that interest me at all?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I think that at his core, Ian is a relationship guy who just never found the right girl to show him that.”

I turn to meet her defensive glare that now downgraded to a mild annoyance glare. “How could you tell?”

“You laughed when he burped, Leah.” I say, laughing. “You’ve never laughed at a bodily function before and Nick is full of them."

She smiled. “I dunno. Maybe I’ve changed too.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, I think I’ve softened in college.”

“Is that a bad thing?” I ask.

“I don’t know yet.”

“Well,” I turn my body towards her in the uncomfortable airport chairs. “I personally don’t think you’ve changed that much. The only thing that I noticed is that you’re still the powerful, determined Leah that I’ve always known. But you know, even a porcupine can petted if you rub it the right way.”

“I’m a porcupine?!” Leah laments, laughing. “You’re the worst.”

“I don’t think you’re comprising yourself by falling in like with someone we’ve known for three years.” I follow up in a more serious tone with a small, Simon smile. “I mean Bram and I knew each other since Freshman yeah of high school and we never talked. But he couldn’t help the feelings he developed and I’m glad he took a change. Albeit, a long, drama-filled chance, but a chance nonetheless.” I finish smiling again.

“Maybe that’s it. That I know your proposing and my biological clock began to tick. Ugh! I hate it.”

“Don’t hate it, Leah. But you also don’t have to act on anything if you’re not ready or don’t want to. That’s the whole thing with dating, it’s chemistry plus timing times confidence.”

Leah quietly grabbed my hand to both thank me and to get me to stop talking about it. And I did.

We got on the flight and it always surprised me how short it was. As soon as I would get into my book, the pilot would tell us they were preparing for arrival.

Mom and Dad picked us up from the airport and Nora was in the back seat as well.

“Hey Si, Leah,” Nora spoke, not looking from her phone as we got into the back seat of the car. It appeared she eased into the new band she was forming with her friends in our garage to Dad’s quiet displeasure (I can’t get ot my tools when I need them cause they’re in there every day!). Seems she needed to over compensate in cool since the last Spier attended Creekwood.

“Busy as usual, Nora. Thanks for taking the time out of your schedule.”

She shoots me the peace sign and returns to her phone. If Bram were with us, she’d be already deep in conversation.

“Alice won’t be here until Thanksgiving day itself,” Mom informed me, a bit of melancholy in her voice. “Her trip was extended because apparently library staff can’t understand how computers work!” Mom slams the steering wheel to all of our bugged eyes. Don’t try to get between a mama bear and her cubs, no matter their age.

“I’m sure she wishes she could be here.” I reply.

“She does,” Nora responds, showing me the text from Alice saying the exact same thing.

The drive home is filled with questions about school from Mom and Dad to Leah and me and before Leah could answer question seventeen, we were at her house.

“Thanks for the ride you guys.”

“Anytime,” Mom responded. We drove the two seconds to our driveway and as soon as Nick saw the car in the driveway, he came over.

“Nick, how are ya?” Dad said while hugging him.

“Great, New York is craaazzyyy. Having a hell of a time keeping up but that’s what coffee is for right?”

“Right, right. I don’t know how you do it kid, but you’re doing it. Keep it up.”

“Thanks Mr. Spier.”

Nick followed us inside and we both went to my room.

“So Abby wanted me to talk to you.”

“Oh?” I said pulling out my computer and setting on my desk.

“Yeah. So…don’t be mad.” He starts.

“Not the best way to start, but continue,” I tease.

“Abby and I didn’t break up.”

I shot him a puzzled look. “That’s great! Why would I be mad?” I hug him and he hugs me back half-heartedly. I backed up and he was staring at the ground.

“Yeah, we didn’t break up, but we’re in an open relationship.”

My puzzled look returned with greater cartoon expression. “Oh.” My ‘oh’ wasn’t negative or positive, it just was.

“We just thought, that…it would be easier to tell people that we were broken up because if you tell people it’s an open relationship, they just ask so many questions about it.”

“Okay,” I respond, trying not ask questions about it, but I did have one. “Bram knew about this part too, didn’t he?”

“This is the part I didn’t want you to get mad at.” Nick said finally looking me in the eye. I smiled and shook my head.

“Nick, I’m not mad. Not mad at all.”

“Wait, really?” he replied, shocked.

I started to unpack my clothes from my suitcase.

“Really.Bram is a good friend and I never asked about it so he never had to lie, and even if he did have to lie to me he'd have his reasons.”

“Simon? Is that actually you Si?” Nick joked.

“In the flesh.”

“Okay…well I was expecting an entirely different conversation, so now I don’t know what to do.” Nick said, while texting someone on his phone.

“This may sound crazy, but you’re talking to the right guy about lying about a part of your life because you didn’t want to be asked questions immediately or have people think of you differently.” I smile as I place my hand on his shoulder.

“Oh, you mean you and the gayness.” We both burst out laughing as my hand turned to a fist and I punched him.

“Nick, it’s your life. And if you both are okay with it and happy and it works, then why wouldn't I be happy for you guys?”

Nick smiled and kicked around his feet. “Thanks, dude. Really.”

“Duh, ya idiot. So is that it?”

“You want to ask questions, don’t you?”

“SO MANY QUESTIONS!” I yell. “But only one. Is there someone one of you met that drove you to talk about this?”

“Well, we both…kinda met someone. We’re dating her as a couple.”

“No fuckin’ way.” Nick shook his head with a grin. “That’s what you’ve been trying to do since middle school. Two girls?! Middle school you must be so happy.”

“You know it! Best part, it wasn’t my idea, it was Abby’s.”

There was a knock at the door and Abby entered.

“Simon, I’m so sorry I didn’t come with Nick I was so nervous how you’d react and I got scared but I’m so glad you’re not mad at us.” Abby said in one long breath as she hugged me hard.

I told her roughly the same thing I told Nick.

“Si, no offence, but you’re reacting so…chill to all of this.”

“Well, in the interest of being honest, I’ve been much more chill ever since Bram and I stopped using condoms.”

Nick and Abby shot me an expression of happy confusion until Nick spoke.

“Oh, wait, is that a big deal?” Nick said.

“I thought you guys already did that.” Abby added.

“No! And it’s kinda a big deal. It’s hard to explain.”

“Well, whatever you guys are doing to make this Simon appear, keep it up.” Nick said.

“Oh I intend to,” I joke. “So Nick tells me you guys met a gal, huh?”

“Yes, we did…and you’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“Abbs, of course. Look I’m happy if you guys are happy. And non-traditional relationships are kind of an automatic for me.”

“Bram was right; we should have listened to him.”

I smiled. I love that Bram knows me so well, like we’re building hive mind. I also love that I’m becoming less of a nuisance to my friends. You do learn a lot about yourself in college. It honestly didn’t bother me and why should it? If this is what they want, this is what they want.

“Me too. I guess I’m growing up. Sorry guys.”

“So only you and Bram know about the open relationship, we’re going to tell Leah tonight and I think it goes without saying to not bring it up to your parents?”

“I don’t know, they were pretty responsive to me telling them I was gay.”

We went downstairs and Mom and Dad made Abby and Nick stay for lunch and they did once Nick deeply inhaled the barbecue pork Mom was cooking in the Crockpot.

“When is Bram getting in?” Nick asked, mouth slathered in barbecue sauce.

“Tonight at eight. He had to stay a little later on Saturday to finish up some work.”

“God that boy works hard.” Abby says, taking a bite of potato salad.

“Attention to detail is his forte,” I reply. “When we first started talking when he was Blue, he told me he figured it was me almost right away due to my speech patterns.”

“Awwww,” Abby crooned.

We talked further about Bram until Dad asked Abby and Nick about their projects in New York. After Nick finished his third sandwich, Abby and Nick bounced leaving me alone with Mom and Dad.

“So, since you’re privately proposing,” Mom said. “Where do you think you’ll do it?”

While Leah slept on the flight, I was thinking of multiple scenarios

“I think I want to give Bram the gold standard of proposals: I want to cook him dinner here-”

“YES!” Mom shouted as Dad placed his hand on her shoulder and calmed her down.”

“Yeah, but no hidden cameras to capture anything, Mom, promise me that.”

“I will be sure she doesn’t,” Dad chimed in.

“So yes, dinner here, then some movies, just…very low key and casual so that he doesn’t suspect anything. Then I will bring him into my room when I’ll have candles on my desk and maybe rose petals on the bed spelling out ‘Bram’ so he has to walk close to it and when he turns around to ask me what this is about I’m already on my knee, with the ring from Dad…and I shut the door and behind it hanging are hundreds of pictures of us from the last four years…but that’s just my first thoughts, what do you think.”

Mom’s hands were clasped around her mouth as she breathed heavily to try to control her tears. Dad nodded his head and smiled.

“That’s a pretty solid first thought, Si. Simple but powerful, always effective, I’m sure he’ll love it.”

“I was thinking of writing him a poem too, you know, get on his level, make him realize how much he means to me.” Bram’s was getting his degree in professional journalism, but he always writes me the best small, three sentence poems that make me swoon even deeper in love with him. “Try to speak his language.”

“Simon, that sounds…perfect.” Mom advised. “The most perfect thing in the world. He will have no choice but to say yes.”

I smile, confidently. Ever since Elijah told me I was confident, I guess I discovered more and more everyday that I really have been, even when I thought I was a coward. People can tell you over and over again that you are something, but unless you are ready to believe it yourself, it seems like they’re so wrong.

“Then I better get started, I want to be sure it’s perfect.”

I usually tell at least Leah everything, but this was something that I wanted to stay mine and mine alone. I want it to be so obviously me that Bram knew I wrote it with no help from an outside source. But, it seems it’s easier said than done.

My pen taps my notebook as I lay on my bed and stare off in the distance thinking about what things come to my mind when I think about Bram (both appropriate for a poem and less appropriate).

Grammar. Writing. Planning. Cautious. Loving. Smile. Brown eyes. Soccer. Calves. Cute. Sexy.

I know where this going, so I wrote a bunch of words down that came to mind when I thought of Bram and they started forming sentences. Some were nonsensical, but is that what poetry is? Out of a few pages a few good lines jumped out at me, but I wanted to spend more time on it so I hid it between the mattresses (on my side so Bram doesn’t notice if he stays the night).

Bzzz.

Bram I’m about to board, I’ll see you so soon! <<33

 Safe flight! I will be there to pick you up :)

. .. … I love telling people my boyfriend is picking me up from the airport. My boyfriend. Is it still weird to hear yourself say that phrase?

 Kinda. Only because it wasn’t something I thought could be an option Then I met you and I forgot all about that

. .. … Listen here, I was the one with the crush on you first! Jacques a dit. Oh, my group is next, see you shortly!

I can feel his energy in his text messages and its infections, flowing through my fingers, into my blood, and directly to my heart. Little Brams running through my blood and posting up in my heart. Well, his heart, cause I have his and he has mine per his poetic musings.

I quickly write that thought on my pad and bide my time with Nora until it’s time for me to leave for the airport.

I be sure to get there early and circle the arrivals area until he texted me that he landed. Round and round until it gets me dizzy like feel every I see Bram for the first time if it’s been more than a day.

And there he is, suitcase and backpack, looking like a sculpted statue where the sculptor focused on the calves. I wave to him like a dork because it’s an involuntary reaction when I see him. He tilts his head and smiles as he beelines towards the car.

“Hi!”

“Hi, Peanut!” He says as he places his luggage in the back. I knew I didn’t like it, but I did say I’d easily fall in love with it and it may be working.

He gets in the front seat and my pulse increases as he kisses me tenderly, his lips not chapped from the flight. Anytime we’re in a car together it always brings me back to his Honda Civic the day after the ferris wheel when both of us wanted until we could no longer contain ourselves. I leaned over and kissed him again for bringing the memory back.

“It’s so nice to have a real week off. I didn’t have to bring any work back with me.” He bragged as he picked up my iPod and searched through it to see any new releases to mentally catalog to listen to later. He finally picked a song and leaned his head on my shoulder the entire ride back to my house.

Mom and Dad know in the years of college that the first day we are back in Shady Creek, we stay with each other, this year it happens to my house.

We bring in his things and as soon as Nora hears Bram is in the house she runs downstairs.

“Bram!”

“Hey Nora, aren’t you the girl in that popular Creekwood band?”

“Working on it. You’re staying here this year right?”

“You know it.”

“Awesome. Come listen to some stuff we recorded last week.”

I wish Nora looked at me the way she looks at Bram. He looks at me and nod him away towards her room as she runs up the stairs. He kisses me on the cheek and follows her upstairs. She can borrow him now, I’m going to have him the rest of our lives.

*   *   *   *

“Happy Thanksgiving!!”

This was the first year that, after four years of dating, that I arranged The Greenfeld and Spier families to have Thanksgiving together.

Extra leaves were in our large kitchen table and sat all of us comfortably around it as Ruth ambled around after eating only a few bites of turkey and cranberry sauce.

The Dads sat at the head of the table with their respective wives to their right. Tracy sat on Ellijah’s left next to Bram, who was next to me. On my left Alice and I were in conversation and across from me was Nora and an empty seat to her where Ruth’s mostly full plate resided.

“I’m glad we were finally able to do this,” I mention. “Bram always mentioned we had similar Thanksgiving traditions, especially the one of eating Thanksgiving dinner at dinner time instead of one o’clock.”

“I mean,” Elijah started, “what the heck is that about?”

“No idea,” Dad joked back. Dad was always good at making people laugh. It was never what he said, but how he said it.

“These potatoes are delicious, Tracy.” My mom added.

“Thank you, they’re Abraham’s favorite.”

Bram blushed. It was so cute to see him revert to Quiet Bram Greenfeld when he was eating with a large group of people.

“So how does it feel you two to be almost done with school,” Alice asked while sipping her wine.

“Great,” Bram answered (surprisingly) first. “I’m ready to be done with school assignments and focus on real stories.”

“Yeah,” I add, “Bram’s already looking for places in New York and we have Abby and Nick keeping an eye on any diamonds in the rough.”

“If worst comes to worst, we can always stay with Nick and Abby for awhile.” Bram plans.

I smile lightly because if we’re engaged I don’t want to share him with roommates. I also see Elijah’s eyebrow raise and look at me slightly, knowing I’m going to be an actor trying to make it in New York.

“I know that acting won’t give me that much to begin,” I start.

“Hey,” Bram comforts.

“No, it’s true, but the play that opens next week, the playwright lives in New York and really likes me, so there’s another connection on top of the professor’s former students and friends. Plus Abby and Nick’s connections, I mean knowing a guy from Julliard has to have its perks.”

Tracy smiles and winks at me, almost saying ‘good answer’ as Elijah gives me a surprised smile.

“I can always find a part time job as well, I mean all actors usually wait tables or bartend, I know the risks involved.”

Thanksgiving always turns into an interview.

“We could live in a box on the street in Mid-Town, as long as we’re together.” Bram intervenes, sensing where the conversation could head and stopping it. My Mom smiles at me as Dad nods his head approvingly.

“You guys are always welcome to visit me when I’m in New York, they have a lot of libraries.” Alice adds. “Then we can order room service and bill the company.”

“You know we’ll do that,” I answer.

“The gauge rig is pretty!” Ruth says to Elijah.

I smile at Elijah as he looks at me.

“Gauge rig?” I ask, trying to move the topic off of me and onto one of the fishing terms I remembered from Provincetown. “You already taking her to the ocean?”

Bram looked at me with surprise, probably wondering how I knew it had to do with fishing.

“Just up at Lake Lanier for now, but she’s just like her old man and loves the water.”

Bram looked at me and smiled. “Look at you mister fisherman.”

“What can I say?”

Whew. Thankfully Bram left it at that. Dad’s eyes bugged because mine couldn’t and it made me laugh.

The rest of dinner was wonderful and we all got to talking in various groups. Bram was talking to Mom, Alice, and Nora in the kitchen as Tracy and Elijah and I were in the living room.

“You almost blew your cover there, son.” Elijah joked.

Nervous heat overwhelmed me as I put my face I my palm.

“I know, and I’ve been so good up to that point. Thanks for not asking me how I knew that.”

“Well it’s not a real term anyway, you are meshing two words about fishing together, but luckily you’re not the only actor.” Elijah laughs heartily.

“So, sweetie, do you know how you’re,” she looked at her son in the kitchen deep in conversation with my family. “Propose?” She whispered.

I told them the same thing I told Mom and Dad: roses, pictures, Poem, ring.

“Very nice, Simon,” Elijah approved. “Very nice.”

“That sounds so perfect. I wish I could get it on video.”

“I’ll take pictures after, I promise.” I said, sipping my water. “But now onto the other fun joint family tradition!”

“Let’s do it!”

We all cleared the table and played board games until at least midnight. Ruth had fallen asleep shortly after dinner and was up in my bed.

During one of the breaks in between the games, Bram found me lost in thought looking out the window staring at my old car that was Nora’s now. He laid his head on my shoulder.

“Tonight was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had.”

I pulled him closer as we looked at my car. The car we got coffee in and the car I drove Bram to school the entirety of our senior year.

“Tonight was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had too.”

“Come on guys,” Mom pokes her head in. “Time to play Scattergories and hear your father’s stories defending his bad answers.”

Bram and I said we’d be in shortly and Mom left the living room. I pulled Bram closer to me and we shared a kiss and went into the kitchen. We all laughed and played and it was a great, relaxing, family moment of two families coming together. It’s exactly the moment I wanted to repeat every year for the rest of my life.