#he sees how im broken and i cry abt how im not myself anymore

[frecklystars]

Sierra Six canonically has c-ptsd and has a scene in the movie where he's triggered and having a flashback. The first time I saw that, I had to pause and process it... not only did I immediately feel safe when I saw him on screen for the first time, because he's such a protective person and his main weakness is his loyalty and devotion to his loved ones, but ALSO it comforts me knowing that he'd be so patient and understanding with me when I'm having my own flashbacks or panic attacks from my own abuse. He became a strong comfort character in less than 40 minutes, possibly a new record, I wasn't even done with the movie yet.

I literally paused the movie my first time watching it and NEEDED to write a self ship fic w/ him asap because I was so overwhelmed with how I just... I knew, I knew he would comfort me if I needed it. I knew he'd be here for me. I'm so certain of it. I wrote 30 pages in just a couple of hours and it was also the first time I wrote anything in over a year.

I still jolt awake from nightmares and I barely get 3 hours of sleep every night, sometimes no sleep at all. Insomnia is a part of ptsd and my sleep schedule was already a wreck before I had to deal w/ my abuser. And it feels SO comforting to know that when I wake up gasping, sweating, crying, Six is bursting through the door (or if he's asleep in the same room with me, he's immediately alert and scrambling to my side) and he's scooping me into his arms and he's immediately saying it's okay, it's okay. Keri, you're safe. I'm right here. His hands are scarred and calloused from years of fighting, but they're as gentle as his voice when he's holding me. His gaze is soft. He knows exactly how this feels. He knows grounding techniques. He guides me through breathing exercises. He has been through this same hell for decades. He knows. He gets it. He protects me when I'm awake and when I'm dreaming. I could not possibly be anywhere safer than in his arms

[1nzs]

i think i’m probably numb. all i ever wanted was to be married. even when i was just a little kid andi finally found someone that i wld rly love to marry. but because of one small tiny little thing, n maybe many other things, we can’t. i genuinely love this guy. he is my whole world. i love every part of him. all his imperfections was perfect in my eyes. he could never see that in himself n it always make me wonder why because there’s nothing about him that i don’t love. im in between heart broken n disappointed, it’s like i want to cry but i’m not even surprised anymore. it’s like i alr knew i have no luck in love n it’s always gna hurt me in one way or another. it’ll always find a way to hurt me. it sucks cos all i ever wanted was a simple life, married, i don’t care abt materialistic things, expensive stuff, or any of that. just simple. married. small wedding with close family n friends. we don’t even need a big house n i wld be happy. bc what wld matter most was the memories we r gna make as a family. not where we r gna live. i do n say stupid things all the time when i’m mad or sad. n one stupid things i wld always do is pushing people away. i don’t ever want to be alone so why do i always do that. i think it’s because i get hurt a lot in the past, even now, till i wld rather push them away bfr they hurt me again or any further. i rly don’t know what to feel anymore. but i know one familiar feeling, hurt. i just want to marry you, haikal. i just wish u cld see how badly i want to. how badly i love you. i always try my best for you. you are my person. my safe space. my comfort space. n it hurts me n making me so so mad because it feels like i can’t have those things that i want which is to just marry you in the way that i wanted. i’m sorry if i keep hurting u, n always making u cry, or saying hurtful mean things. but my love would never change for you. i can be so stupid when i’m angry or sad, n say things that i don’t mean, but deep down i’ll always love you. i just want you to see where in coming from. i just want to marry you that’s all. it js felt that u don’t want it as bad as i want it n that hurts me. i’ve been playing minecraft the whole day without u even knowing to distract myself from crying n hurting myself. i just want to marry you. why is love always stopping me frm the things i want. maybe i am meant to be alone for life, i cld never have the things that i want, which is love

[saintobio]

When you said that the angst would lean more on the yearning side, I think I get what you mean now 😭 still over here hoping for GojoYn endgame 😔

Thank you for the lovely work Saint! And please get sleep 🥺

Anonymous said

love, the pain is - I just want to cry rn while working and I just I thought I could handle it, I'm used to your level of angst after all haha but wow that hurt me so much bc sn/sy yngojo endgame :'( and it hurts seeing him w someone else as it hurts seeing yn w toji :'( I just feel like I need the whole day to recuperate lol but no seriously another great and amazingly written chapter !! thank you for it, saint!! I hope you're well <3

Anonymous said

I literally felt sick to my stomach after reading the whole gojo / hime thing. i genuinely had hope that we‘ll get gojoxyn again and they’ll be happy together but I just can’t see how it would work out anymore :’( im scared for yn

Anonymous said

nah the way it takes yn years and moving to another continent to only partially get over gojo and move on, but gojo takes a night and sleeps with her best friend??? and keeps it going??? i wouldn’t say it’s a betrayal but that still hurts 😭😭 also if gojo defends utahime when yn goes off on her (as long as what she says is valid)……gojo ur already on thin ice don’t make it even worse

Anonymous said

yall gojoyn supporters are strong. he has a sidepiece in every story. if i was yn, i would have totally blocked him off my mind the moment i learned abt him and utahime because that would be my peak. just walk away and pretend they dont exist except for when sachi's involved, but he said it himself that they should only cross paths when necessary.

Anonymous said

Saint you are so spot on with this "I love u" bullsh*t from Gojou, and then begging for her to take him back. reminds me so much of my ex lmao i used to believe it, but i learned. so when Gojou said that, I was scoffing to myself lol then he fucked Utahime so i guess i was right. men are so trash. goodluck to Utahime he's ur problem now

Anonymous said

Saint, I’d be honest after you shared that story of yours, where you always put your friends first or you, giving up a man for the sake of friendship had me thinking Utahime is going to be inspired with it 😭 I’m really disappointed, I’m rooting for her to be that kind of friend. Turns out she’s weak for dicks just kidding lmao It’s my fault for setting that expectation to her. I just hope it will be worth it at the end and she’ll not gonna end up with a broken heart and regret for jumping into a relationship with a broken man. I also can’t blame Gojo for jumping to another coochie cause let’s be honest, when we’re broken or sad we tend to decide with our emotions, the what ifs, the hope to fill the void and patch those broken pieces and a good source of distraction I guess?

Anonymous said

ermahgod everyone pls stop asking for smut btw 😃 y'all never really learn ur lesson: the more u ask saint to write something, the more pain u gonna get when she really deliver and it's totally not something you expect. if i have to read a detailed smut of gojohime making love in the future while gojo professes his love for utahime, im blaming all of you anons for asking for more smut 👺i also do not want to read another goodbye-heart-wrenching smut for gojoyn. or tojiyn's. in the words of yn: stop. stop. STOP!!!!

Anonymous said

We all know that Gojou is not in his right state of mind so he's gonna drop Utahime bc he's not ready for commitments at all lmfao 😐

Anonymous said

u know what. GOOD FOR GOJO lmaoooo im at this point where im like “they just need to be happy even if theyre not together”. maybe im just such a gojo fucker that seeing him trying to move on is so nice like i love seeing him speak normally and not crying and apologizing i swear its so refreshing LMAOAOA. maybe im also saying this bc i know his heart wasnt totally in it w/ utahime. while i dont mind them together i also dont mind if gojo and yn end up being endgame because sachi deserves that too. im at a point where really i think im fine with anything thatll happen LMFAOAOO

hey guysss!! tysm for sending all ur thoughts abt sy7. i hope you don’t mind me compiling them bc my askbox is really flooded right now and these are just some of the shorter ones sdjsfjs all the other asks i receieved are really long paragraphs

so sorry i can’t respond individually but i thought it’d be nice for other readers to see the reactions and possibly relate to the anons!! :’)

[thewalkingdeadband]

A few thoughts.

As much as im upset (and this is an understatement) abt the CarylSpinOffTurnedIntoADarylOne, im gonna "watch" (whatever the way) the remaining 8 episodes of the main show. I invested too much of my time and emotions not to know how it all ends. This is the last season, and there are 8 episodes to wrap up the stories of other characters that I love: Rosita, Eugene, Gabriel, Aaron, Lydia, Zeke, Princess, Connie, Kelly... Some of them are gonna die, some are not, and im not leaving this show without saying goodbye to them.

Im gonna "watch" the same way the Richonne spin off, because i love them and want to see them reunite, and who knows if other characters are not going to appear on their show: since there are no movies anymore, the only way for Rick to reunite (at least as far as we're aware) with his kids, Morgan, Carol, Maggie... is the spin off. Unless Richonne appears in the last episode of twd/in s8 of fear. Either way, im definitely not missing a possible - aka it better happen or i'll riot cause caryl getting screwed is enough thank u - Rick/Morgan reunion (and im not even talking here abt all the reunions i want...) . And as i said, im def watching Richonne reunite: i still have in my broken heart the scene of Michonne screaming and crying while Carol and Maggie hold her back...

Im not watching the daryl solo spin off, but i will at least check if there are some Rick/Richonne related moments (because im also obviously waiting for a "Rickyl" reunion) and - one can hope- if he at least mentions Carol in there from time to time 🙄. The whole plot of France/Dr Jenner/Twd Beyond related... well, i dont know what to think of it...

Anyway, i may seem bitter, but im not (anymore). Im sad. Because the main show ends, because the spin offs are either a let down (daryl instead of caryl) or... i either dont know what to think of it (negan/maggie).

But i'm happy abt the Richonne one. I wanted the movies, but i understand why it couldnt happen anymore.

All i have to look forward now is the end of twd, the Richonne spin off, the 8th season (probably the last, could be wrong) of ftwd, and at least two episodes of tales (Terry Crews and Anthony Edwards. I dont really care about another Alpha backstory, even if i love Lydia, for instance).

As for Negan/Maggie... im not watching, but again i'll keep myself informed cause who knows who might pop up in it, or what we might learn in relation to other characters, etc...) .

[angeliclunaetic]

just thinking back to the day i met him, till now and,, there was always something about him. something that drew me in and everything just felt right. That day we met,, something about him just drew me in. idk if it was his sense of humor or just how polite n sweet and caring he was in general but it was,, something. idek why i even texted him in the first place. i just commented on his stuff and decided to text him. we talked for a few and then he showed me a pic of himself and i was just,, in awe. he really was the cutest thing ever. yes i had thought abt using him when i first saw him but,, i couldnt even if i had wanted to. i seen his pic and thought “yeah he looks like he’d be easy to use” but then by the end of texting him that night,, i fell so deeply for him. actually no. i already fell for him. way before we even met. that must be how everything felt so right. but just texting him a little bit that first night,, i just instantly wanted to know more about him. i never even talked abt someone else to my gc and for some reason i had the urge to talk about him,, like i knew he was the one but didn’t realize it. and then when we called for the first time,, i swear i had butterflies. even though i was otp with him and his friend,, i was so nervous to just talk to him. i had thought of him as my crush at that point. no one had ever made me feel that way. i never got so nervous to talk to anyone. i wanted to stay quiet that entire time so i wouldnt say something stupid and embarrass myself but something about him,, made me want to be so open. so i talked to him,, and when we got off the phone of our first call,, i was so incredibly sad. i wanted to talk to him more and more and i just wanted to call him again already,, but i wasnt sure how he had felt or if he even felt the same. i thought he did but i didnt wanna assume and make a fool out of myself. i wasnt sure if he had a crush or if he was just being nice. but after a while it was easy to realize. he was way too sweet and caring to me. more than a friend should be. he was there for me the night i was bawling otp w my ex. and he got mad and upset about how my ex was treating me in a way that was different than just my friends. and thats what made me fall for him even more. just him. being himself. him being so sweet. so caring. him just being there for me and not judging me and wanting others to treat me right. and when we videocalled that first time,,i was so nervous. i was worried he’d see what i look like and not be attracted to me anymore. but he still was. but i was so nervous anyways. but when i saw him on video call for the first time,, i was in shock. how could someone be so cute. so perfect. how could someone capture my heart just by simply smiling at me. i knew from then, that i, was in love with him. i wanted to be his so badly. but when he had asked me out i wanted to just scream yes at him,, but something in my mind told me to just calm down and wait,, however a part of me was worried that if i had made him wait that he’d find someone better and leave me. but he didn’t he stayed. even after that night i had told him everything. of how i used to use people and how i had originally planned to use him and he still stayed. i swear i felt my heart break that night and i was crying so much out of fear that he’d leave me before we even got together. i had such strong feelings for him and i wanted him to be mine. but i wanted to make sure i was away from,, that thing,, and that i fully loved him before i got into anything serious. i didnt wanna jump from relationship to relationship either. a part of me just wanted to be single and just have fun. but just,, talking to him and texting him,, i wanted him. i didnt care if i wasnt single. i just wanted him. but also a part of me didnt want to love again. or “love” as i should say considering i never loved anyone before him. i was mentally and emotionally exhausted and relationships are just so much work and you have to give someone such a large piece of yourself and i wouldnt be able to handle being broken again. so many thoughts ran through my head. “what if i dont love him, what if im just attracted to him because im going through things and he’s there for me” “what if he wont wait for me” “what if he doesnt like me “ “what if im using him and dont realize” “what if i get hurt” all these “what if’s” and i never once thought abt the reality of it all. that i, had feelings for him. that he felt the same. that he was willing to wait for me, even if it took years. that he would never hurt me and even allowed himself to be hurt by me if that meant even just getting a chance at me loving him. i guess i was just so worried and just in shock. no ones felt so deeply for me before.and that night that i had asked him out,,, i had seen a pic of my ex with this new girl and i felt absolutely nothing towards it. so then,, thats when i knew. i was over him. that emotional attachment was gone. and my feelings for sam were real. and we had called that night,, that entire night i was so nervous and got butterflies, and i realized i never stopped smiling once during that whole phone call. and after we got of,, i, once again, was extremely sad. i wanted to hear his voice talking to me for hours and hours. i wanted to smile and feel nervous and get butterflies. and at that point i was like,, fuck it. yes i was still worried that my feelings werent true. but what was the harm in trying. he was the only person to have caught my eye in like,, ever. he was on my mind that whole night and probably abt like 30 mins after we got off call i asked him out. my feelings for him were too strong. i was worried he wouldnt wait and i couldnt risk losing someone as special as him to someone else,, if i did, i wouldve never forgiven myself. im glad i asked him out. even though i had surprised myself by it,, i just couldnt wait any longer,, i needed to make him mine. and i did. and i wouldnt change it for the world. the first month for me was very,, rough. of course we were still getting to know each other and our boundaries,, and i of course made some mistakes. my fears of possibly not having true feelings were coming back. and it pushed him away because he didnt wanna get hurt. and he almost left me. those two nights that we had an issue and he had left me,, they broke me. they really did. that  was the worst i had ever been. the crying,, the screaming,, the anger and complete sadness i felt. i felt as if i had lost everything. i felt as if i had nothing left. if i didnt have him,, then,, who am i. im nothing without him. he’s my other half. my soulmate. and i thought i had lost him. im glad im so annoying and clingy otherwise i’d be so fucking heartbroken without him. we had only been together for less than a month those two times and yet i felt so strongly for him. nothing has ever made me feel this way. i had never wanted to keep someone in my life so bad before. it was like,, i needed him to breathe. i needed him to smile. i just,, needed him. i cant live without him. just thinking about a life without him makes me fucking sick. i want him and only him for the rest of our lives. no one can even compare to him. im just,, in shock. like im really in love with him and it just amazes me. im sitting here writing this as he’s sound asleep and i just. i miss him a lot. i guess all my feelings are coming out now since ive been distant the past month but,, i dont care. ill gladly shout from the rooftops how much i love him. god there’s so much more i could say about us. even before we started dating. i cant get over the rush i felt. the excitement, the nerves, the butterflies,, even all the “what if’s”,, i still get nervous and get butterflies when talking to him but ofc they’re not gonna be as strong as when we had met and declared our love for each other. speaking of love,, now im reminded of the day i had told him that i love him,, we had “argued” the day before and i thought i had lost him for good,, and that next day,,i wanted nothing more than to just hold him and kiss him and tell him that i love him. i know the words “i love you” is such a meaningful thing,, i couldnt help but tell him. its exactly how i felt. i loved him. i couldnt be apart from him,, even after only a week of dating him,, i was in love that night i thought he was leaving me for good,, absolutely broke me. and the next day i just wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. even though i was so nervous to tell him that i loved him,, i just,, i knew i was sure. no one had ever made me feel so strongly about them. yeah ive cried over my ex. but nothing could ever compare to just the complete distraught i felt that night. that crying so much it burned my throat and threw up,, the screaming,, just the complete sadness and anger i felt. after that,, i knew i loved him, and i wasnt afraid to tell him. i was nervous bc of how he’d react but i knew that i was never more sure of anything else in my life. i love him. and i want to be with him forever. 

[nitzavim]

antisemitism tw

somebody tell me how to do "keep reading" cutoffs

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already ranted abt this but real talk I've gone past shock and now I'm just really really mad

and I'm not usually an angry, hate-y person but idk how else to respond to a fucking synagogue getting vandalised

I didnt want to think about it but my friend said his family is afraid there could be a shooting and theyve been discussing it ever since the rabbi told them what happened

and I was crying earlier bc idk I cant deal with this it's a lot

I was scared enough with the "go back home" shit from the president because hello, I've been scared of internment camps and having my/my Asian mom's citizenship questioned since forever

and this is a whole other level

I cant even try to ignore this shit if I wanted to anymore because all of it is right in front of my face

idk just Gd forbid that anything bad happens

.

but man, it is 2019. how is this happening.

fucking. swastikas. on peoples' houses. in 2019.

how the fuck.

the fact that they know where Jewish people live is bad enough.

but like

this synagogue vandalism isnt even on the news.

partly because the rabbi doesnt want it to be, so the nazis dont feel accomplished or anything

but like

a synagogue was covered in swastikas, one that is right off a main road, and it took the rabbi seeing it for it to be reported.

a window got broken. in close viscinity to SEVERAL HOUSES, likely in the middle of the night, and nobody reported it. how did nobody hear it? hell, how did nobody SEE WHO DID IT.

you would think it didnt even happen.

and let me reiterate that people are being targeted

and evidently nobody outside of the Jewish community really knew about it bc I sure as fuck didn't know and neither did anyone else I've talked to

I don't have to tell you how dangerous that is

like, my friend only knew about this because he personally knew a lot of the people whose houses got vandalised

and the thing is? most of them didn't want it getting on the news, either

because they didn't want to encourage and/or anger whoever did it

and I'm like

I wasn't aware that we were living in fucking 1940 here.

and man, I had never seen these stopsigns

because THEY'RE ALL IN PREDOMINENTLY JEWISH COMMUNITIES.

they're not doing this where I live because they're doing it around the Chabad house and the Orthodox synagogues and in places where there's a distinct Jewish community

so NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT NEVER MAKES ITS WAY OUTSIDE THESE COMMUNITIES

I have another friend who goes to a Reform synagogue. she didn't know this was happening. she had no idea. she had never seen the swastikas and didnt know anyone who had their house vandalised because that synagogue isnt in a Jewish neighbourhood and everyone there is kind of from all over

like dude this is fucking terrifying! whoever is doing this knows exactly where to go and they know exactly what theyre doing!

this isnt edgy teenagers making bad jokes, it's fucking actual nazis marking people and targeting communities and knowing where to find Jewish people

and this is so fucking horrible

I don't even know

I kind of need to chill or I'm going to drive myself crazy

but I'm absolutely not going to chill and I'm just going to be scared forever now I guess

how can I let my emotional guard down when it seems like every gun in a 100 mile radius is pointed at my friend and nobodys even doing anything about it and something could happen at any moment

and whats worse is that I'm in the process of emailing rabbis now

the guns could be pointed at me soon

what if when I join a shul something like this happens there

what if when I join a shul I end up getting myself and my family targeted somehow

idk

Im kind of falling apart rn

I never thought this would be so close to home for me

and this is all just

a lot

[ofphcenixes]

BLUE & LIBBY - text thread 001

texts from 3:55pm to 7:01pm

blue

hey lib. (: havent talked today. just wanted to drop in and see if u were doin alright i have memes if u need them

libby

i mean, technically we did talk. i reminded you of the moment the world stood still: when valentine and you made contact (1) time. are you okay though? you seem a little, weird

blue

i maintain that valentine was an alien in a spider suit that wanted to destroy me but u know what I mean djdjdjd just chats between us. the gc has been a june holden fest lately lmao hope it works out for them tho anyways i am always weird in ur eyes djdjhd. but im fine. shit was crazy that night and we never really got to talk about what happenedand if u wanted to talk i just want u to kno im here ABOUT NADIA bc yeah kdjdjjd

libby

don't talk to me or my son ever again yeah, wow, okay so holden stayed over the night. i only know that because i saw his stuff in her room? i think she mentioned that like, it was a one time thing but i feel like... he might be coming over again which.. is Interesting oh. yeah, no i think i'm okay. i guess just in shock. june is very broken up over it, so i'm doing my best to be a good pal, and bring loads of ice cream and kisses. /: do you wanna talk? about nadia? i know that she like, meant something to you

blue

ok good luck getting me to stop talkin to u but as for valentine? bye Felecia! is that right. hmm well he doesn’t seem like much is goin on so maybe they were just,, hanging out. bringing a bag over is pretty damning tho. and if he does come over and u see him tell that bih he owes me $ bc he ate my fucking chorizo salad ): r u proud lib?? I ate a salad by choice well I would have if Holden wasn’t a lil birch bitch DONT CENSOR ME fuck. im sorry. ): i actually wanted to see june today tbh. but if u need anyone pls let me know alright? id skip practice if u needed me, lib WELL. i mean ok i was sorta close with her in middle school and she’s always been a friend and I just. I’m just fucking numb tbh. I really can’t believe it

libby

i'll have you know that valentine died shortly after my 18th birthday so ): idk idk, why would they hang out in her room if they were "hanging out"? like they have history. i feel like thats, a little too ... suspicious given the context. in a good way though. like i hope it works out theyre both so miserable without each other. oh my god!! look at you go! so proud of you, dude! ( even if you never got to it lmao ) no, no, it's okay. june needs all the support she can get, and i don't wanna impede. i'm really fine, i just sort of need to accept it and i guess reflect on how terrible it is. she was a really sweet person and fuck i really cant believe any of it i guess

blue

fuck what kdjdjdnd I thought valentine just yeeted shit that’s not a good way to put it fuck but. im sorry lib ): ok I take it back Valentine was alright. still scared the fuck out of me tho all i know is that if i loved someone as much as holden loves june, i wouldn’t let you go **THEM fuck Damn phone Typos Djdjhdi can’t believe u make me eat green stuff its truly CRUEL whomst? I only know nadia just didn’t fucking deserve any of this. shit even daisey didn’t. i just want to protect everyone and i don’t know HOW it goes without saying that im happy to be ur uber driver for the indefinite future

libby

no omg, i took good care of my boy. idk what happened, they can live up to like 15 years so i was pretty bummed tbh. i was a bad mom he appreciates your support from the grave though i mean, i guess. but not everyone you love is going to love you back, i think that's where holden's at. not everyone wants to be clung to, and june seems reluctant besides, you know all about that. holden, the love of your life, loves june. how sad it's good for you!!! i'm helping i ... feel so badly for both of them. i can't imagine how their families must be feeling, fuck. i hate this. i'm moving to spain ah, dude you don't have to do all that. you probably are busy with practice, and holden, and work. thank you tho

blue

im sure ur a great mother. ): but still valentine was lucky to have u. and im sure he misses u in his weird spider heaven web of flies and whatever it is spiders like idk ill dm peter parker and find out i mean... guess that’s true. I suppose I dont get to see how june feels most of the time. i just wish they’d talk about it and sort it out at least. they both deserve to be happy holden is the loml that is true aksjjsjd. holden has enough room for both me and june in his heart. so i mean technically i can love someone else too?? but enough about that lmfao you definitely are helping. even coach has noticed dkdjd. making me better without even trying u can’t move without me who’s gonna get me free popcorn ): you’re just as important as practise and holden to me, lib.

libby

god, i miss him. you think the girls would be mad if i bought another one? like, to keep in my room.  i know! they're both obviously still in love, you can tell. i can't wait for them to overcome this and get to be together. also, im grateful for the amount of sleep i'm able to get now that... the room next to mine is less loud welp, i hope you find someone who is willing to share you with holden lol oMG, REALLY? IDK WHY THAT MADE ME IRRATIONALLY HAPPY LOL. WE CAN GET SALAD LATER let's go, we'll go to spain and take on a new identity. we can live along the coast and work in a bakery or something. get a puppy don't show holden that text he might cry. but dsjflk thank you, you're very important to me too. kinda my best pal

blue

u would have to ask. but if you did get another what would u call it? thanksgiving? funnily enough valentine is only a few weeks away. a sign?? i mean fuck ive known holden for years and can confirm he is happiest when he’s with june. when she’s not roasting him at least lmfao. and if my MasterPlan works im afraid things will get bad again djdjdj. I can take one for the team and try to get them to come over here tho - u don’t need to deal with that shit i hope i do too tbh. and who would I want it to be u ask? that’s right. danny devito. LETS NOT GET TOO CRAZY IVE ALREADY HAD THREE VEGETABLES THIS WERK AND ITS ONLY TUESDAY. I think it’s popcorn time 8) bold of u to assume i know where Spain is dkdjdjdjdj well he’s gonna catch on soon enough we spend every day together at this point lol

libby

i was gonna name this one patrick, after st patricks day actually lol. yes you know what's also approaching that is more important? your birthday! i know, it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure that out. he's v much a relationship kinda dude, actually bc he's also kinda slutty lol. but even june is sad and its just, SO HARD. i hate when people are clearly, happiest together are like, nO IM GOING TO PROLONG THE MISERY. i feel like we're in a rom-com. how do we get them back together? i'll let him know. my v-day gift from me to you oooo, should i get the skittles ready too then? popcorn is kinda of a veggie if you think abt it omg, okay well now you can't come with me. offer rescinded. im going with the hot cop lslsfkjdjkldfs i mean its not like we're doing anything weird, so its okay, right?

blue

ur so cute wtf. although if u did do this i hope u know im calling him patrick star. also how the fuck do u tell if its a female or a male spider theyre so small and gross. fuck it is too lol. i dont have any money so im gonna let ppl down on the party front lmao. ud still come tho, right? how can he be both slutty and relationshippy. like not to be weird bc i know hes ur cousin and all dkfjgg but he doesnt.. have people over anymore. unless hes someone learned not to stomp around the house WHICH I DONT BELIEVE. and ha hA im already on plan 384 to get them back together get on my level lmao.  we just gotta force them to spend time together tbh. does that mean i have to give u the hot cop for valentines bc i mean. i would if that's what u wanted but im sure u can do much better than him OH FUCK UR RIGHT OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A LIE TO CONVERT ME TO VEGGIES HASNT IT r u breaking up with me? well fine, ill take the dog ): it's... it's not weird unless we make it weird. and we haven't. have we?

libby

fdsjfjdsl shhhhh, back at you. Patrick Star will be his full name, i promise you this much. as for gender idfk, i am honestly assuming its pronouns lol. i'd be sued by the LGBT community if they knew. also dude, of course. i'll make you cupcakes. plus i know what i wanna buy you! i  can't wait dude what? really?? i thought he was seeing people this whole time, holy shit. dude he's really messed up over this huh? wow, okay, we need to kick this into high gear and have them get back together. tell me your plans. omg, no you clown. i don't even like him that much, he's just pretty. i do like... some personality and he has 0 GOD MY PLAN HAS BEEN FOILED. I CANT BELIEVE IT like i'd ever let you take the dog. she's mine sdfjlkdsfjlk iDK DUDE. I MAY HAVE MADE IT WEIRD BUT WE'RE BAD AT TALKING ABT STUFF, SO WE DONT HAVE TO LOL.

blue

do spiders even have gender i thought they were just the minions of evil lmfao lib u rly dont have to get me anything, really. altho now im curious tbh. but get ready for me to get a lit gift in june >:) ill even wrap it myself which says a lot bc i cant wrap for shit but i want it to be personal lmao not many that im aware of atm. will give u info is this changes. huh we r spies lib. >:) but i dont have any current plans except trying to force them to go in a photo booth together or something when we eventually go to the arcade djsjdh omg how did u know. but idk everyone speaks about him like hes gOD he’s just a dude. eyebrows on fleek tho I will say that IM SO HURT UD USE ME LIKE THIS LIB. ALL THIS TIME WE WERE GETTING CLOSE AND U WERE ONLY HERE FOR THE VEGGIES so u get Spain AND the dog. what do I get, sadness ???? you haven’t made it weird lib, i promise. not to me, anyway. maybe we both wanted the same thing. maybe. oR MAYBE NOT LMFAO but yeah we can talk about whatever lol

libby

don't talk about nate like that omg! i want to, plus its a surprise so no asking what it is. also wow i cant believe you remember my birthday, lol. you dont have to get me anything. you can buy me an ice cream though oh my gOD THAT'S BRILLIANT! aw, what if they take one of those cute kiss pictures in the photobooth like in the movies? i can't wait for them to love each other again, they're so cute. are you jealous that no one is talking about your eyebrows? you have nice eyebrows and nothing to be jealous abt GOD, IM SO SORRY. ROY HIRED ME. HE WAS WORRIED ABT YOUR HEALTH. IM SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WOULD /: you get the memory of what we were to keep you warm right, cool. noted

blue

why do u talk about the string bean all the time i know u grew up with him but seriously he's like a pale pipe cleaner that i dont need in my life ofc i remeber ur birthday lib. dont u remember ur 10th?? probably the best day of my life lmao. and if u get me something i get u something thats how this works as long as june doesnt say anything mean and holden say anything stupid, its a pretty solid plan tbh. im not jealous HOW DARE ROY PLAY ME LIKE THIS. cant believe u betrayed me lib, after all we've been through ;-; but what if i want something to sell off now that u took the house oh fuck lib i didn't mean it like that. just... pretend i said nothing ok and. yeah talk about something else

libby

hey sorry, i gotta go. talk tomorrow.

blue

oh is everything ok? but alright talk tomorrow then i guess bye lib

libby

night

blue

its 6pm lib but okay night

blue

lib if i did something u dont have to tell me but pls know i didnt mean it, whatever it was. i hope youre okay. but i wont bother u again i promise. just. yeah

libby

it's okay, dude. i'm fine. it's honestly my own fault, it's not you. you're always great. i'm sorry. it's fine

blue

i dont understand what ur talking about but i can tell u dont want to so ill just... leave this. but you're always great too lib. the greatest, in fact. just let me know if ur still coming to the arcade later or not yeah

libby

i guess i'll go. i like pacman.

blue

if u... if u change ur mind i understand. but i really hope u can make it.

[felixeslee]

92 q tag

hello this tag is highkey irrelevant now but it’s been in my drafts for ages so !! laskdgjasodigjsaldkgasodigjasdg which is why i wont b tagging anyone bc im so late but !! yeah !! ok !! !!!!!!!!!1111!!! lets !! go !!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

tagged by @hyuunjins @hyunjinh @straykiz and @dae-hwee from my w1 blog (lmaoo hi pindi this is sarah!! AIddgsdfk if youre aware of this blog but hope its ok if i do it here alskdg ) 

rules: once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. 

🌙 LAST

Drink: the water that I drank this morning!! Aka around 12 hrs ago asdgasdgoij pls stay hydrated kids 

Text Message: i texted my brother if he knew where my dad was lol,,,,,,, sldkjgaosidgj 

Phone Call: CALLED MY BROTHER BC HE WASNT RESPONDING MY TEXTS,,,,, he also didn’t pick up ldskgjsoidgjsldkgsjdg

Song you listened to: Goodbye My Love by Aileeeee <3 lovv 

Time you cried: TODAY ,,,, i was getting super anxious bc i didn’t know where my dad was ??? he was supposed to pick me up but he forgot abt me until like an hr later… sldkgjaosidgj 

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: no :00 lmao i’ve never dated… ever alskdjgaoijsdf 

Kissed someone and regretted it: i havent had my first kiss yet HEH 

Lost someone special: unfortunately, yes :( 

Been depressed: sdgksjadoiglskdfosdijgalskdfaosdigjaksdgoaisdjf idk 

Been drunk and thrown up: lmao i’ve never drank ,,, at all,,,, the smell of alchohol scares me,,,,, evn my little brother has had a sip once and he’s 5 yrs younger LMAO ,,, but im a noob and don’t wanna try sldkgjosidjgs 

🌙 IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yay yes yeslgkdgsdf

Fallen out of love: i dont think i’ve ever evn been in love…. Sdlgksjdoigj 

Met someone who changed you: yes,,,,,,,,, 

Found out who your true friends are: uhhhh idk aslkdgjaosidjf i honestly can never tell when someone’s being a fake friend so!!!!!! Idk honestly lmao

Found out someone was talking about you: i did ! but it wasn’t for anything bad or anything……… they just criticized me behind my back?? But i agreed w their criticism so alsdkjgaosidgj  

🌙 GENERAL

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: ummm,,,, like 4?? We r mutuals evn though none of them r actually kpop blogs,,,, so i always feel guilty spamminig their aesthetic feed w my screaming tags and annoying shit LMAO but i lov them <3 

Do you have any pets?: NO :”( I WANT A DOGGO THO …. REALLY BAD…..

Do you want to change your name?: uhhh ik so many sarahs its not evn funny and my last name is hella basic too????? Theres 3 ppl that share my first+last name in my school alone….. So maybe i’d change it to my chinese name (yue) ?? also bc it sounds more sophisticated,, and i lov anything that makes me sound smarter than the reality of my dumb self LOL 

What time did you wake up this morning: LOL so my alarm rings at 6:40 but i get out of bed at 7:10 SLDGKJSODIF … and i need to get out of the house by 7:20 lsdkgsdoig 

What were you doing last night: physics and apush :SLDGJOSIDFJ the 2 most dreaded classes UGH

Something you cannot wait for: DINNER .. i love me some gud dinner

Have you ever talked to a person named tom?: thomas jefferson my mAN 

What’s getting on your nerves right now: when it’s so heckin cold i can’t concentrate + i hate taking notes when it’s cold??? Bc then my hands r like half numb and it HURTS WHEN I TAKE NOTES sldkgsoidjf ALSO WHEN I DRAW ,,,,, STIFF FINGERS R THE WORST WHEN DRAWING

Blood type: i think a????????????

Nickname: my most common ones r swisso + salad (i promise these make sense in context LOL ) 

Relationship status: return NullPointerException; //im a cs person,,, dont judge

Zodiac sign: capricorn!

Pronouns: she + her

Favorite show: i dont watch many shows but i love watching a gud studio ghibli movie when im feelin down

College: this QUESTION LSDKGJSODIGJ ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i wanna go to college but will any accept me ??!?!

Hair colour: its naturally black but it’s currently dyed ombre from black → brown !!!!!!

Do you have a crush on someone: i havent had a legit crush in 3 yrs lmao……. 

What do you like about yourself: the fact that im a deep sleeper. Idk how light sleepers function omg like wouldn’t u wake up to like,,,,, everything??! :((( that makes me sad bc u hav no idea how much i lov a nice long undisturbed slumber

   🌙 FIRSTS

First surgery: okAY so like i've had 2 procedures done on my eyes lmaooo like (1) when i was a smol beb of like 1 yr old i rolled off my bed aaaannnnddd the corner of my eye hit the edge of the sharp corner of the bedside table!!! and then y1ke$ things got ugly loll (((yes, i wuz dum + clumsy since the day i popped from the womb))) its all stitched up now and i hav a tinie tinie scar aslkdgs okay and (2) there was something weird abt my tearducts LOL so u know when u get sad nd stuff ur nose gets runny and u sniff a lot??? well like that wasn't the case for me bc the passage way from my eyes to my nose was completely blocked off,,,,, which resulted in me lookin like i was full blown cryin like every 2 seconds... like if i kept my eyes open for too long my eyes would get watery and tears would flow out LMAO ,,,, i looked like i just never stopped crying,,, but it was just my eyes were just ALWAYS WATERING sdlgjsdif damn u have no idea after the procedure i was like 'do ppl live like this??? not having to wipe tears every 0.2 sec??? oh my god,,, i am livin THE LIFE' 

First piercing: i hav no piercings!!! Bc stabbing holes thru myself scares me sdlkjgsoidg but i love the way earrings look tho so :///// 

First sport you joined: dance or gymnastics???? I dont rly remember

First vacation: CHINA prob???? 

First pair of sneakers: i think sketchers LMAO ,,, the big thing  

🌙 RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing!!!!!

I’m about to: do som sketches for my AP art class 

Listening to: my dad sing som old chinese folk stuff behind me LOL 

Want kids: i already adopted all 9 members of stray kids tho ??? idk if im ready for more atm 

Get married: LOL This question just reminded me of smol story from my childhood: so like i used to b rly close w these 3 other kids,,,, one other girl and 2 guys,,, and our parents were all rly tight too,, and our four families would just go camping together and it was rly :’’D fun and so we all made a pact that I would marry one of the guys and the other girl would marry the other guy and we’d all go camping together forever but then KINDERGARTEN HIT,,,, we moved schools and yeah im still rly close w the girl but i miss the 4 of us dkgjsodigjsdlkgsdf LOL 

Career: waterbottle 🌙 

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: eyes? Eh idk i just never rly considered lips ?? LOL 

Hugs or kisses: hugs? I dont hav experience w kisses so sldkgjsoidgjsd yike syikes yikes 

Shorter or taller: TALLER

Troublemaker or hesitant: uhhhhh neither??? Like i just want someone playful + extroverted bc im quite introverted,,,,,,,,,, so if he was hesitant we’d just b super awkward and quiet,,, and i don’t like getting involved w sketchy troublemaker shit either LOL ,,, 

Older or younger: as long as they r in the same school grade level,,,, and i guess 1-2 yrs older is okaY? But lowkey freaks me out if too old 

Romantic or spontaneous: sldkgjsoidfj both? Like i lov someone who is unpredictable and spontaneous,,,, but on the other hand im lowkey a helpless romantic lasdkgjaoisdjf 

Sensitive or loud: both i guess too??? Its good to have someone understanding and sensitive but also someone who knows how to have fun  :) 

Hookup or relationship: hookups,,,,,,,, just dont make sense to me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i get attached to someone p easily so even if i dont plan on being attached,,,, i’d probably get attached :(  

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: YIKES no 

Drank hard liquor: nO 

 Lost contacts/glasses: UH I HATE THIS BUT YES….. 

Sex on first date: yikes * (6.02 *10^23) adkgaosidjgaslkdf no thaNK you 

Broken someone’s heart: i dont know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i might’ve but maybe im just not aware ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but on a sidenote i think my old comupter science teacher gets a migrain everytime he sees me LOLLLLLL sdlgjsoidgjsldf 

Been arrested: no,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :0 

Turned someone down: yeah lmao i kinda feel bad tho bc they were all good ppl,,,,  lskjgosidjf but thankfully im still good friends and pretty tight w all of them ~  

🌙 DO YOU BELIEVE

In yourself: ocassionally i try to :’’D

Miracles: lol yes 

Love at first sight: i used to ? but not anymore,,,, like i believe u can be attracted to someone at first sight ?? but i feel like love cannot be attained thru visual contact only asldgjoasidjalsdg

[miratda]

hi i haven’t sent u a message in a min so do all the question things

thank u for letting me talk abt myself its what i deserve (i put most under the cut so i hope it works bc its long as fuck)

1.Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?👀 im taken so

2. When did your last hug take place?idk i hugged my mom last night

3. Are you a jealous person?jealous in a sad "everyone is sm better than me"

4. Are you tired right now?yes always

5. Do you chew on your straws?yep oof

6. Have you ever been called a tease?yes lmao

7. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?no

8. Do you cry easily?im crying right now bitch!

9. What should you be doing right now?cleaning my room or showering but im catching up on twd instead

10. Are you a heavy sleeper?yes

11. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?yep i can last in a relationship as long as possible until the other person gets tored of me

12. Are you mad at someone right now?probably lmao

13. Do you believe in love?yes

14. What makes you laugh no matter what?the video of that twitch streamer showing off his chicken parmesan then proceeding to drop it all over his desk and then cries about it

15. Who was the last person you talked to?you ho

16. Do you get butterflies around the person you like?always lol

17. Will you get married?idk maybe when im older

18. When was the last time you smiled?its been a while

19. Does anyone like you?i sure hope so

20. Do you secretly like someone?not secretly but

21. Who was the first person you talked to today?cas

22. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?ive never felt comfortable talking ever

23. What are you NOT looking forward to?work on wednesday

24. What ARE you looking forward to?my doctors appt so he can give me some pills thatll make me not feel anything anymore

25. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?nope

26. Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?shrug emoji bc honestly i dont care about her lmao

27. Do you plan on moving out within the next year?probably not

28. Are you a forgiving person?kinda ill say i forgive but deep down im still hurt as fuck

29. How many TRUE friends do you have?like 3

30. Do you fall for people easily?yeah

31. Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?no

32. What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?water

33. Who was the last person you drove with?my friend gab

34. How late did you stay up last night and why?1-2am bc i couldnt sleep

35. If you could move somewhere else, would you?id move to sf if i wasnt broke

36. Who was the last person you took a picture of?gab

37. Can you live a day without TV?yeah i rarely watch tv

38. When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?im always disappointed

39. Three names you go by…rand, miranda, dumb bitch

40. Are you currently in a relationship?yes 💕

41. What is your all-time favorite romance movie?love simon!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!

42. Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?yes whether it be a romantic or not

43. What’s your current problem?existing

44. Have you ever had your heart broken?when ur sensitive like me you have your heart broken on a daily basis

45. Your thoughts of long distance relationships?theyre just as valid as any other kind and you're stronger than any us marine if youre in one

46. How many kids do you want to have?idk maybe a daughter when im much older

47. Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?yep

[thebpdevil]

Hey the make you ask stuff questions, yeah do all of those! I love you and you are my favorite blog to go to for bpd stuff. Thanks!!!

nsfw and tmi below!

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? If we’re going by legit text messaging and not other messaging, yeah; also if we’re going by any messaging, still yeah lmao

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? We exchanged two text messages lmao

3. Have you taken someones virginity? Multiple times lmao

4. Is trust a big issue for you? i have bpd lmao

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Maybe? idk who i even have feelings for like……

6. What are you excited for? I start my job on Monday!

7. What happened tonight? Nothing interesting

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Not in general no???

9. Is confidence cute? I mean that depends on the person and like…..the kind of confidence

10. What is the last beverage you had? Just water tbh

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? i don’t fully trust anyone including myself lmao

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Yeah lmao but they’re super uncomfortable

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? lmao yall know!

14. What are you going to spend money on next? probably like some clothes or music or something

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? nope

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? G O D I hope so im rotting

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Probably my friend Jensen because we’re so alike so I know she won’t judge me lmao

18. The last time you felt broken? when i found out avril lavigne is dead

19. Have you had sex today? yall i wish!!!!!

20. Are you starting to realize anything? i’m always out here realizing things

21. Are you in a good mood? right now i am lmao

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? honestly I’d probably cry but it’d be so cool

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Nope

24. What do you want right this second? dick

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? im not super invested in anyone rn so like thats fine tbh

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? My natural color is starting to grow in but its still mostly dyed brown

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No dude wht the fuck

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? i found a custom painted D.A.R.E car on craigslist and i started thinkin abt hotboxing it

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? a little but nah lmao

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? hell no!!

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? I don’t hate him he was just creepy and annoying idk (it was some guy i was talking to off of grindr so….)

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? once again i don’t experience human feelings

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? no i drink it a good amount

34. Listening to? nothing right now

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? not unless i have to

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? probably their house??

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? nah

38. Who did you last call? probably a parent

39. Who was the last person you danced with? i honestly can’t even remember

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? A few days ago

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Yes

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Always??

44. Do you tan in the nude? what’s tanning

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? I mean?? No??

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? I haven’t done that in months

47. Who was the last person to call you? my dad

48. Do you sing in the shower? when i’m home alone yeah lmao

49. Do you dance in the car? um constantly

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? yeah i have my own bow (its youth sized though so i don’t use it anymore lmao)

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? No idea

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Most of them tbh

53. Is Christmas stressful? Y E S

54. Ever eat a pierogi? yea

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? apple

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? astronaut, detective, spy, paramedic, firefighter, pilot

57. Do you believe in ghosts? yes!! I kind of want to get into paranormal investigation

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? yeah a lot lol

59. Take a vitamin daily? nope

60. Wear slippers? nope

61. Wear a bath robe? nope

62. What do you wear to bed? comfy clothes, usually a t shirt/tank top/shirtless and basketball shorts/pajama pants

63. First concert? …….casting crowns

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? I want to physically die in a target

65. Nike or Adidas? nike all the way dude

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanut shells

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I hate her but i knew you were trouble goes hard

69. Ever take dance lessons? yeah lmao

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? not really no

71. Can you curl your tongue? yup

72. Ever won a spelling bee? I got second place!

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? maybe?

74. What is your favorite book? Harry Potter!!

75. Do you study better with or without music? Depends!

76. Regularly burn incense? No i can’t find anything that i really like

77. Ever been in love? yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert? i would have died to see one direction before zayn left ://

79. What was the last concert you saw? ariana grande

80. Hot tea or cold tea? no tea

81. Tea or coffee? coffee but only cold

82. Favorite type of cookie? just chocolate chip

83. Can you swim well? when i need to

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? can people not???

85. Are you patient? sometimes lmao

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? definitely dj

87. Ever won a contest? yeah in like…..third grade i won five firefly cell phones

88. Ever have plastic surgery? not yet

89. Which are better black or green olives? green!!!!

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? there’s no way i would ever marry someone i wasn’t fucking on a regular basis tbh

91. Best room for a fireplace? the living room or bedroom

92. Do you want to get married? yes!

Also thank you so much that means a lot 💙💙

[melto]

lms if u read and donut reblg thnx

im like. so Angry right now like FUCK!!! i literally want to die so fucking bad over this and im pissed as all hell that im the one hurting when HE is he one who approched me. i was fine as hell with my like 2 friends in annie jr. i for sure as hell didnt need him to say two words to me, like i had zero plans on ever interacting with him. but he fucking approched me and acted like we were close and then SUDDENLY! i am not even a friend lmao. i tried so fucking hard i fell back into every old way of thinking and hating myself. ive been losing sleep for WEEKS over how my friendship with him made me feel and it literally made me second guess anyone who’s ever even spoken to me. and i worked so HARD to get over that and trust people and im such a piece of shit that one person in a few weeks literally undid all that work. ive been crying in my car so often i havent been eating and my heads been spinning. i hate how fucking easily i give out my heart and how fucking easily it can be broken. i hate how all that’s been on my mind is what is wrong with me, why am i bad why am i bad why am i bad why doesnt he like me anymore what did i do wrong what can i change. i hate how i know i’ll still defend him. i hate how he’ll never know how angry i am because i dont want him to know he hurt me. i hate how im not going to be over this anytime soon. i hate how i cant get over this i hate how he wouldnt even care if he knew i hate how i believed him  i hate how i’ll still be out there defending him i hate how i know i’ll still be chekcing up on him i hate how i’ll look for him in the hallways i hate how i’ll try to justify this i hate how i’ll blame myself in the end i hate how i cant get over this cant get over CANT GET OVER CANT GET OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

my life is in shambles and i just want to breathe wasy again. im tired of hating myself. im tired of being up at 3am convincing myself that everyone i love hates me and wants me dead. im tired of how i let my anxiety competely take over my life lmao. im just tired. 

if i see him at school i think im gonna puke or burst into tears. my friend is going to glare at him. she’s too good to me. if i wasnt so embarassed abt this all she would have picked a fight with him on the spot. she wants to so bad, but im a sack of sick who cant value his own feelings lmao. 

another friend, who’s his best friend, told he me doesnt hate me, which LOL nice try pal but he also told me he was a total dick. maybe i should have listened.

i wish i could go back in time and stop myself from doing annie jr. or maybe just warned myself to not get friendly with him. or maybe go far enough back to where i could teach myself to never put myself in a position where my heart could be torn to shreds.

god i wish i could stop thinking about this. fml lol kms,,,,,,,,

[chanxyeollie]

70 questions, tagged by @stan-the-best-stan-monsta-x thx bby

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents? uhhh... well me & my mom generally have a good time, she acts more sisterly if that makes sense?? but me and my dad butt heads A LOT and do not get along very often.

2. who did you last say “i love you” to? see i’m pretty uncomfortable physically saying the words but like probably my cat or something lol.

3. do you regret anything? um YES let’s see off the top of my head: dying my hair red in the sixth grade, putting waaaay too much cheese on the pizza i had the other day, and being such a shitty student this year haha.

4. are you insecure? yES. i mean i have this rule that everyone who knows me in irl knows. like no one is allowed to take pictures of me. or share pictures of me. if they want a picture i have to take it or i have to direct them. there are years of pictures of my growth or w/e missing and it pisses my parents tf off lol.

5. what’s your relationship status? single as the day i exited the womb

6. how do you want to die? preferably when i’m asleep i mean??? like i don’t wanna feel anything so...

7. what did you last eat? pork? and then right after whipped cream from a can because that’s who i am as a person.

8. played any sports? hahahahahah fun fact i don’t play sports because i have really weak ankles - i’ve sprained both of them twice!

9. do you bite your nails? ugh yes... i had three years where i didn’t but now i do. :/ i’m trying to break the habit by carrying an unlimited amount of nail files with me. i miss having long nails SO MUCH.

10. when was your last physical fight? two nights ago, my mom came home after work at like midnight and hid behind a wall to scare me, which resulted in a ninja-like slap from me.

11. do you like someone? the beauty of being socially awkward and anxious and being in a uni where you don’t have to talk to anyone means there is no one to get to know and crush on. nice. :-)

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours? no, i’ve stayed up for 37 but that was the longest and i was... pretty wacked out by then but that’s a story for another time.

13. do you hate anyone at the moment? if i do i’ve blocked them from my mind i??? can’t think of anyone at this particular moment, probably just fictional characters.

14. do you miss someone? i’m gonna say this really adorable cat named toby that i saw at a petsmart like a year ago. i hope he found a good home.

15. have any pets?
 three cats! boris, pepper, and widget.

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment?
 um a little bit numb because i’m sitting on my foot but otherwise neutral.

17. ever made out in the bathroom? no

18. are you scared of spiders?
 yeah the story of the first time i stayed up for a full 24 hours relates to a spider. also when i was very little i had a night terror where i had materialized a tarantula the size of me on top of me in my bed and well. that scarred me for life yanno?

19. would you go back in time if you were given the chance? fuckin yeah i’d tell myself not to confess to that one guy. embarrassing

20. where was the last place you snogged someone? never lol

21. what are your plans for this weekend?
 crying before i start work on monday. i really don’t wanna go back, fuck.

22. do you want to have kids? how many? yeah! i already made a pact with myself that if i’m still single when im in my thirties i will adopt some kids. 

23. do you have piercings? how many? just my ears~

24. what is/are/were your best subject(s)? um well once it was english but NOT ANYMORE LOL

25. do you miss anyone from your past?
 no, i don’t think so.

26. what are you craving right now?
 surprisingly more of the pork i had earlier even tho i didn’t really like it lol??

27. have you ever broken someone’s heart?
 no

28. have you ever been cheated on?
 no, kinda have to have had a boyfriend for that to happen

29. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
 no

30. what’s irritating you right now? the exam i have tomorrow. i should have withdrawn from that class i’m gonna have two F’s on my transcript wails

31. does somebody love you? my youngest cat. i am her mom.

32. what is your favourite color? black, pink in your area

33. do you have trust issues? yes but at the same time no

34. who/what was your last dream about? omg k let me get out my dream journal hang on... okay a short synopsis: my friend owned a burger king in this area near our high school (idk??) and i worked there w her, her boyfriend, and a few other people but one of the guys took my uniform which was, by the way, for some reason pastel blue and pink overalls but like shorts? and they were puffy like winter jackets. and then so i couldn’t work but i was still there and then allison and lydia from teen wolf walked in and we had like a reunion bc apparently we were friends lol and then scott came in and then stiles came in after him and i like ran to him and we hugged. idk what happened in my head man.

35. who was the last person you cried in front of? omg... my roommate. because i read a really sad fic and i tried to hide my tears w my blanket bUT SHE CAUGHT ME and then i started laughing while bawling my eyes out simultaneously bc i was embarrassed rip.

36. do you give out second chances too easily? gdi yeah i do. but i’ll bitch abt the person a fair amount first.

37. is it easier to forgive or forget? forgiving is hard but i’d never want to forget anything someone did to me. i’d want to remember so i can caution myself to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen again.

38. is this year the best year of your life?
 um no unless the second half is gonna have a really great turn around.

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss? well i can tell you at this rate i’ll be 20 or over when it finally happens

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked? (réka omfg i laughed so hard at ur answer) no i have not. but once i forgot to take my pajamas off and just put my clothes over them and then when i went to the bathroom later in the day i was really fucking confused

51. favourite food?
 well you got ur meats, steak, bacon, any sort of chicken. but you got pizza too. and you got sugar waffle cones... i mean like how am i to pick?

52. do you believe everything happens for a reason? i mean i hope it does because otherwise that’s just a big fuck u from the universe.

53. what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
 (réka fuck me up enter the realm of exo) um i read exo fics and then i was on @vixx17andbtsimagines‘s blog catching up on her stuff.

54. is cheating ever okay? noooooooooooooo~~~~~~ its not like wtf is that why would you put someone through the pain that’s so shitty. idc the circumstance.

55. are you mean?
 no i’m really not but my face and fast-paced walk and avoidance of ppl makes them think i’m a mega-bitch. seriously, at least three of my friends have told me that was their first impression of me yikes.

56. how many people have you fist fought?
 technically two but very lowkey. the first one was a very hesitant, light slap to the face of this boy when i was in the sixth grade - i was very scared to do this but afterwards he cried and said i broke his jaw lmAO. and this doesn’t really count but this guy i was friends with was sitting across from me at a table and he jokingly threw a plastic fork at me and out of pure reflex i smacked him across the face. this has happened more than once disclaimer rofl.

57. do you believe in true love?
 books make me want to believe it. but i don’t really know. i feel that can only be answered by someone who’s experienced it idk??

58. favourite weather?
 just... march, october, and november because that is when there are no bugs and it’s cold enough to wear pants and the bulk of my clothes without sweating/freezing.

59. do you like the snow?
 yeah if i’m not in it lol. those canadian winters, man

60. do you wanna get married? yeah i’d like to one day, but when i think abt having the ceremony i get very anxious haha

61. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? that depends on the person?? but i feel like i’d personally be such a sucker for it if it was from the right guy lol

62. what makes you happy?
 the rare perfect cup of coffee, music, smyang’s music box version’s of songs, exo and bts crack videos (i die every time), having a good ass sleep with my body pillow to name a few.

63. would you change your name? yeah i go by aluri everywhere because its what i want to change my name to. by this point i’ve ‘had’ it for ten years and even though my family/irl friends don’t call me it, that’s all the online knows me as.

64. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
 well the last person i kissed was in a dream and it was mark from got7 so no, not at all ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

65. your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? i don’t have one of those anymore so

66. do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? no?

67. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
 shocker it was my dad lmao

68. who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my roommate. which sucks because we aren’t roomies anymore and i’m gonna miss our car talks so much. :/

69. do you believe in soulmates?
 if the reason i haven’t been so much as looked at by a guy is because the world is saving me for my soulmate then sure. but otherwise NO

70. is there anyone you would die for? my oldest cat boris. :/ he’s kind of my best friend so what’re you gonna do, you feel? i love doing things like this as an excuse to talk abt myself  & it was really fun so thank you for tagging me babe @stan-the-best-stan-monsta-x and i loved reading yours!! and um gonna tag my two mains again @tearsmp4 @bunmyeon because a) i love them b) i have no other friends seriously also @sooberri if you wanna do this i’d like to know more about you as creepy as that sounds ^^

[underworldfawndead]

hhh

[priscillaravenclaw]

70 questions game! tagged by @wheeinthighs thanks cutie!!  💖

i tag @doomtotheuniverse, @anothercallowaysister

1: DO YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENTS? yes, more or less. i do love them dearly

2: WHO DID YOU LAST SAY “I LOVE YOU” TO? man i don’t remember. probably a family member

3: DO YOU REGRET ANYTHING? mmh yeah. i honestly wish i could erase the memories some ppl have of me because i opened up too easily

4: ARE YOU INSECURE? yes.

5: WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS? gnrfifniwnjcjnk why you gotta come for me like that. single

6: HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE? the thought of death kind of triggers something bad in my brain so i wont answer this one

7: WHAT DID YOU LAST EAT? plum sorbet.

8: PLAYED ANY SPORTS? no. i hate sports and i hate the fact that i have 3 hours of p.e. class every goddamn week

9: DO YOU BITE YOUR NAILS? not anymore.

10: WHEN WAS YOUR LAST PHYSICAL FIGHT? i have never really fought… i just try to w my classmates sometimes when im drunk

11: DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE? no.

12: HAVE YOU EVER STAYED UP 48 HOURS? not that i remember.

13: DO YOU HATE ANYONE AT THE MOMENT? no, but some ppl do get on my nerves.

14: DO YOU MISS SOMEONE? no, at least not really. just when i remember the good ol’ days

15: HAVE ANY PETS? yes!! two cats, felix and salem

16: HOW EXACTLY ARE YOU FEELING AT THE MOMENT? im tired, lonely and kinda annoyed but i dont know why gnfnpiwbgb

17: EVER MADE OUT IN THE BATHROOM? no :(

18: ARE YOU SCARED OF SPIDERS? no!! im usually the one who takes care of them when my arachnophobic friend spots one

19: WOULD YOU GO BACK IN TIME IF YOU WERE GIVEN THE CHANCE? no. i know i dont have the power to change anything 

20: WHERE WAS THE LAST PLACE YOU SNOGGED SOMEONE? i dont know what this means what

21: WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THIS WEEKEND? i’ll work a bit and then i’ll go out to celebrate my sisters bday w my family!! also i have to watch lion and prepare myself mentally to face the long ass oscars night

22: DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS? yes, a few. idk why

23: DO YOU HAVE PIERCINGS? a tragus and a helix

24: WHAT IS/ARE/WERE YOUR BEST SUBJECT(S)? english and italian.

25: DO YOU MISS ANYONE FROM YOUR PAST? kinda. my grandma and my childhood bestfriend 

26: WHAT ARE YOU CRAVING RIGHT NOW? affection ((i need a gf))

27: HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART? idk??

28: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CHEATED ON? nope

29: HAVE YOU MADE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND CRY? nope

30: WHATS IRRITATING YOU RIGHT NOW? i honestly dont know…. i just know im irritated

31: DOES SOMEBODY LOVE YOU? i hope so lmao

32: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOR? purple, any shade of it. baby blue and pastel pink too

33: DO YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES? yes.

34: WHO/WHAT WAS YOUR LAST DREAM ABOUT? i dont remember exactly but i know for sure it was some weird shit bc when i sleep on the bus i usually make some odd ass dreams

35: WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CRIED IN FRONT OF? my sister when we where watching goblin gnjngjjbfwhrfwfb

36: DO YOU GIVE OUT SECOND CHANCES TOO EASILY? yes. i need to stop doing that.

37: IS IT EASIER TO FORGIVE OR FORGET? forgive for sure.

38: IS THIS YEAR THE BEST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE? idk yet!! we’ll see

39: HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU HAD YOUR FIRST KISS? 17

40: HAVE YOU EVER WALKED OUTSIDE COMPLETELY NAKED? no id die

51: FAVOURITE FOOD? spaghetti with clams!! i lov them. also my grandmas chicken wings and my grandpas pork ribs

52: DO YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON? mmh no not really

53: WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU DID BEFORE YOU WENT TO BED LAST NIGHT? i watched some youtube videos… probably of red velvet

54: IS CHEATING EVER OKAY? no.

55: ARE YOU MEAN? i surely hope im not

56: HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU FIST FOUGHT? 0 lmao

57: DO YOU BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE? maybe? idk ive never been in love and ive never met someone who has found their true love

58: FAVOURITE WEATHER? when it storms. thats my shit. or when its sunny but not too hot, and i can lay on the grass feeling all warm and fuzzy

59: DO YOU LIKE THE SNOW? only when im home and i can look at it through the window. OR during snowball fights

60: DO YOU WANNA GET MARRIED? uhm i think eventually. if i find someone i really want to spend the rest of my life with.

61: IS IT CUTE WHEN A BOY/GIRL CALLS YOU BABY? if i like them (even as friends) yes i melt immediately. otherwise i find it creepy

62: WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? learning and understanding new stuff, girls, nice ass books, tv shows & movies. basically anything w a good storyline. being appreciated!!

63: WOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME? no

64: WOULD IT BE HARD TO KISS THE LAST PERSON YOU KISSED? not if i were drunk gnjfjwfblw. but if id do it when im sober then yes, very.

65: YOUR BEST FRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX LIKES YOU, WHAT DO YOU DO? bitch i run. i dunno how to handle these kind of situations.

66: DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX WHO YOU CAN ACT YOUR COMPLETE SELF AROUND? mh kinda. he doesn’t approve of some things i do but who cares gnjfnrcnjd im old enough to drink and not regret it.

67: WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE SEX YOU TALKED TO? my friend

68: WHO’S THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A DEEP CONVERSATION WITH? i THINK one of my classmates. but since we were talking abt him idk if it counts. last time i confessed deep stuff abt myself was w a friend.

69: DO YOU BELIEVE IN SOULMATES? i believe in all kinds of soulmates

70: IS THERE ANYONE YOU WOULD DIE FOR? the people i love.

[cryogengar]

vent pt2 // aftermath

i just feel the need to put out the rest of it and maybe i can be more at peace

so relating to this post here, it’s been about two weeks. i still think i’m affected by it, judging from me staying in bed for 17 hours and having no motivation to do anything a little more than usual. after a day i posted that vent, one of my acquaintances on league, in that friend group i had told me that the girl, and my old guy friend made a joke about killing myself. it went along the lines of,

girl: “i can imagine her climbing out of the classroom window and nobody would care”

guy: “wouldn’t y’all clap”

girl: “well i would and that’s all that matters”

..yeah. that hit me hard. not only did they said that in a discord call where everybody else in there heard (and laughed apparently) behind my back (one of the people in the call sent me this), but just the fact that they used something that i struggled with as something to joke and hurt me about. sure, sometimes i personally joke about it, but i find it a right that i can joke about since i’m the one that’s going through it. but right there, that’s a joke and an insult and there clearly is no humour to it. i keep thinking of how people always say like, treat others how you want to be treated. i kept thinking of that then. why did they say that when i was the one hurting from that incident days ago? when did they it was a good idea to joke about this behind my back? and other questions and insecurities poured into my mind and i felt so betrayed. personally, no matter i think badly of someone, i wouldn’t actually say or wish harm on them like that. sometimes i’d say like ‘omg i wish he’d go kill himself’ or smth, but that was for dark humour reasons and i never meant it in this kind of way, y’know? and i definitely won’t say it behind someone’s back. so this hurt me a way lot because it was the girl who said this, who had absolutely nothing to do with my ex, added to how i was hurt from her the other day. 

it just made me incredibly broken inside. for them to say this. it’s only been recently that i was talked down due to my mental disorders and here it is, just jokes about my suffering. and the fact that they said it.. like in a classroom? where i’d have 30 other classmates and a teacher? all of them.. would clap? did everyone just want me to end myself? my insecurities ate at me non stop no matter how hard i wanted to hold myself together. but yeah, the day after i went to my vice principal, my school counsellor, talked to her. the school aka her would go talk to the girl because this was unacceptable and bullying and stuff like that. but i was still hurt. i was terrified. the thought that my vp was going to talk to her... what would happen if she just talks more shit behind my back? like ‘omg bella was such a little bitch the vp talked to me today abt this’ or smth like that. that haunted me the whole day at school. my mom and vp talked afterschool, and even though i said that i didnt know if it was a good idea to talk to her, the vp and my mom insisted that she needed to know that it was wrong, and if she says more shit just report it to her again and something will be done.

i went home a little lighter. i still took naps and binge watched cartoons to distract myself from the emptiness and hurt i felt, and that inside made me feel guilty because i should be doing hw and more productive things. cue 11pm on that wednesday night. 

the girl calls me. she’s crying, she’s just saying ‘im sorry’ over and over, but i felt no sympathy or compassion for her. she’s sobbing, telling me that she didn’t understand why she did those things, and that she’s a horrible person for doing and saying those things about me. i kept myself calm and just stayed quiet most of the time. we hung up like over half an hour later. i felt worse. but it calmed me that since she sounded sorry, if the vp talked to her tmr there’s a chance she won’t say shit anymore. but the thing was, i asked her if somebody made her apologise to me, and she said no, but mention my ex showed her my previous tumblr vent and told her she was going to get into trouble with the vp. it made me mad that she might’ve called me up more out of fear than genuine feelings to apologise about how much she hurt me.

in rolls next day, she skipped choir to talk to the vp. apparently she cries again, and we’re called down during first period to talk to each other. she apologies, doesn’t look up to my face, and the vp talks about moving forward. there’s a school trip to santa barbara in two weeks and i wanted to cancel and lose like $1500 bc i couldn’t stand her presence. but now i didn’t cancel for that reason and it’s still happening i guess. but... yeah. everything the ex guy friend said still hurt. everything hurt. the way he let me hurt by myself when we hung out at the cafe, when he talked shit abt me via msg, and adding his two cents to the girl’s joke about me. how mad must he be for me not thanking my ex for a fucking gift that he chose to buy on his own accord to just make me feel like absolutely a worthless piece of trash. all this time i’ve spent since last year ever since i met him. all wasted. there’s so much hurt, from the time he liked me, to times i gave up time to spend with him while i hurt myself from sleep deprivation or emotional energy, to times he let one of his friends just verbally beat me up in front of him. i felt so used. i feel so used. 

so fast forward, everything is done with the girl. we’re not going to be friends anymore, i can handle seeing her at school without being triggered, she’s not going to talk shit about me anymore and i go back to hanging out with my senior friends. the guy? nothing. apparently he feels bad, but not bad enough to say anything to me. i don’t expect anything, it must be humiliating to apologise to a piece of trash like me, lol. i dont know what’s up anymore. i saw him in one of my friend’s snapchat story and i just got triggered and spent a good four hours in bed, lmao. it clearly so hurts as much as i’m trying to put it behind me. the fact that we’re still ‘friends’ on every single piece of social media still allows me to see his presence online and because i’m so sensitive it triggers me.

i just want to feel better. i don’t want to relive all of this hurt everytime i see his name. i don’t want to continue feeling like i dont matter, that my mental disorders are a disability and i’ll never be anything more than a suicidal freak. maybe it is my fault that i’m ‘always doing things for others,’ investing so much time into these these people and end up hurting because i finally see who they are. i... don’t know. i just don’t understand. i don’t want to feel betrayed, hurt, and depressed. i don’t want to feel so much anxiety going outside and talking to people because i don’t feel safe. as much support i get, i only get this support when i ask for it. no one.. really reaches out for me on their own accord, whether it’s when i’m hurting or as a friend. maybe i’m just really alone. whatever. goodnight.