#he refers to phantom in the third person there but describes everything that the phantom duplicate experienced

[kaidatheghostdragon]

Doctor Danny Fenton was an enigma to Bruce. Every word he spoke, every microexpression seemed to leak out a barely-contained rage, as if he were a boiler about to explode hidden behind a fragile mask of scientific professionalism.

Everything Dr Fenton told Bruce terrified him, and he seemed to revel in the exaggerated fear that Bruce played up, even as the most terrible things he admitted were shared as if they were nothing more than office drama.

"Ghosts are clearly non-sentient echoes of malevolent emotions. The screaming is just a memory of a trauma-induced response."

"Ectoplasm is a wonderful clean energy source."

"My parents built a portal to the ghost zone, and we use it to power this entire facility!"

"Our ghost hunting weapons are powered by ectoplasm, too. They're reasonably harmless to humans, at least as far as being literal weapons are concerned, but really pack a punch against ghosts."

"We've learned a lot about how to maximize energy extraction from ectoplasm by studying our prime specimen, especially after we figured out how to turn off its stimulus response."

Bruce felt like he'd walked into a nazi eugenics lab. Oh, how badly he wanted to find this "prime specimen" and escape with it. Instead, he stubbornly stuck to his role, swiping a random scientist's security card when the opportunity presented itself, to clone and give Oracle backdoor access to the facility's servers.

As much as Bruce wanted to break every bone in Dr Fenton's body, he was an absolute treasure trove of actionable intel, letting his ADD guide him from topic to topic with no concern for operational security.

In order to shut down this facility, they needed to find and shut down that portal. They knew there was at least one "specimen" that needed rescuing. They knew that the facility was armed with ecto weapons, which weren't that dangerous to themselves.

They knew that the anti-ecto acts needed to be repealed before they could even consider prosecuting Dr Fenton.

Barbara was able to get into the servers pretty easily once Bruce had gotten an in, and Bruce spend the rest of the tour memorizing the facility's layout and innocently asking questions of Fenton that would help Barbara continue digging.

Fenton constantly zigzagged back and forth through their tour, telling Bruce what was behind many of the closed doors even if Bruce wasnt allowed to enter, and even muttering the mnumonics he used to remember various things loud enough for Bruce to overhear.

It would have been endearing if not for the fact that he was carelessly admitting to casual genocide.

By the time the tour was over and Bruce was heading home, Barbara had gotten into nearly every file on the servers and was already distributing them among the Bats to read through.

All except one: a medium-sized file buried in Dr Fenton's workspace. It was, quite literally, sealed up tighter than Fort Knox. Niether she nor Tim could make any headway on it, and they informed bruce that they would need more info from danny to crack it unless he was willing to wait about ten thousand years to brute-force it.

Bruce had already scheduled to meet Doctor Fenton again tomorrow, so that wasnt an issue.

---

Dr Fenton had dropped his key card. He was in the middle of unlocking a high security door when an alarm went off, and he had bolted to go take care of it, not even realizing he had dropped the card.

It was a perfect opportunity. Bruce grabbed the card and quickly cloned it on his hidden card reader before putting it back on the floor exactly where it had fallen. Oracle would be able to doctor the security footage, so it looked like Bruce had never touched it.

The alarms turned off soon after, and Dr Fenton was back in less than a minute, apologizing for the false alarm and sheepishly grabbing his security card when Bruce awkwardly pointed to it.

Dr. Fenton apologized again, swearing up and down that he's never been that clumsy before. The tour continued as Bruce asked more and more questions, buying Oracle as much time as possible to break into the forbidden file. The security clearance wasnt the only thing she needed to open it, but having that brought down the brute forcing time from centuries to weeks, and she had a few other tricks to reduce it further.

Bruce continued needling for answers to any question Oracle had that might help her, and Fenton obliviously and distracted answered in bafflingly round-about ways that only served to give them even more actionable intel about the facility.

Apparently, the whole "harmless to humans" thing wasn't completely true. Humans could be ectocontaminated to a point where they *could* be affected by ecto weapons. But dont worry, if a human is that contaminated, they're already functionally brain-dead anyway.

(It explained why Jason got a nasty burn from one of the weapons they'd stolen from a field agent when he and Tim were disassembling it for study, but Bruce sure as hell was not going to declare Jason brain-dead because an unknown weapon had injured him.)

Bruce was being led to one of the offices to discuss financing, signaling that they were running out of time, when Oracle declared that she got the file open. Bruce asked for a private room where he could make some calls before committing to giving money to the nightmare of a research facility, and Fenton obliged, saying he should probably talk to the head of security about the alarm earlier and whether they had isolated the cause and had a solution to prevent any future false positives.

"Holy shit," Oracle muttered after a few minutes of silently scanning the files, "B, i think we might need to consider that Fenton is a double agent."

"What."

As much as Bruce didn't want to admit it, facts were quickly sliding into place. Fenton was FAR too talkative and had made Bruce walk nearly every hall in the facility at least three times.

He dropped his security card on purpose, reacting to a false alarm.

"Oh, shit," Oracle repeated, "he knows."

"Knows what, exactly?"

"That you're Batman," she answered with a solemn finality.

Had he *really* been deliberately helping their investigation? What did Fenton get out of it, though? Surely he knew he was encriminating himself, or did he think he could escape judgment by claiming to be the whistle-blower?

"There's a file in here that's labeled 'To Batman' that had an extra password protection. There was a clue given: Batman's most important date," Barbara paused and took steadying breath, "B, it unlocked when I punched in the date your parents died."

Bruce was grateful that the office he'd been left in had a chair. Dr Fenton was a ghost hunter. Had he ever crossed the ghosts of Bruce's parents? How much would they have known about Bruce, and how did Fenton extract that information?

"Let me read it to you," Barbara continued, "To Batman, i died when i was fourteen and am one of the very creatures this godforsaken organization has declared nonsentient. I used to protect my hometown from malevolent ghosts that came through the portal my parents had opened, but soon i found myself also protecting the innocent ghosts from my parents and this agency.

"When the agency started attacking the citizens of my hometown for being too ectocontaminated, i knew i needed to change tactics to stop them. My parents could not be convinced that their theories were wrong, and their research was used to justify a legalized genocide, disguised as pest control and clean-energy research. Both innocent ghosts and innocent humans were caught in the crossfire of their crusade.

"I decided to infiltrate the GIW, disguising my true nature with my parents' own inventions, and faked the capture of my own ghost's identity as my opening act. The "prime specimen" is my own duplicate, nothing more than an extension of my own will, given just enough energy to keep it from destabilizing as the agency continuously tries to study and experiment on it. In this one singular case, this particular ghost truly is a non-sentient echo, that i have continuously propped up to keep the agents distracted.

"Furthermore, the extraction devise i described to you that sits in room 304 functions a bit differently from what is written in its official documentation. I have never destroyed a ghost. I rescue them. The extractor is actually a portal. It opens up when a ghost is placed inside the machine, allowing them to escape, then harvests energy from the realms equivalent to the strength of the ghost that was rescued, giving the illusion that the ghost was destroyed in the process of harvesting it for energy.

"I can travel to the realms and retrieve any ghost that has been 'destroyed' by the extracter to prove I'm being honest.

"My home town has been quarantined by the GIW for being 'too contaminated.' While I've been rising in the ranks of the GIW and rescuing any ghosts i can, my friends and team have been protecting Amity Park and helping people escape. Go to coordinates xxx xxx to see for yourself what the GIW are willing to do to their own species. An entire city exists there that you won't find on any map, where every human has been stripped of their basic rights, treated no different from the ghosts that are studied in this facility.

"Rescue them first, then come back and rescue me, *after* you can prove the atrocities that the GIW have committed. Signed, Phantom."

Bruce understood now. The anger that Fenton barely contained wasnt aimed at the ghosts.

It was aimed at the agents.

Holy shit, indeed.

You Don’t Know Me

“We’re so glad you’re showing an interest in our work here, Mr. Wayne!”

“Of course! It’s just all so new!” Bruce said through a hollow laugh, “It’s almost unbelievable!”

“Believing in ghosts is the first step to finally getting rid of them!”

Bruce fought to keep his face flat as the director enthusiastically continued his tour of their facility.

Their ghost hunting facility.

Where they had funded and government sanctioned labs purely for the persecution of an entire inter-dimensional species.

“-Truly, the Drs.Fenton were an inspiration to the entire field of ectobiology! We wouldn’t know half the things we know about ghosts if it wasn’t for their early research!”

Bruce forced a thin smile, “Oh? Will I get to meet them? Or can I at least see some of their work?”

The man faltered almost imperceptibly, “Ah well.. that might be a bit, Fentons can be a bit.. overzealous and-“

“I’m sure it would go a long way to understanding the need for such a large facility. If it’s worth it even, perhaps I could fund an expansion…” Bruce let his voice trail off.

The man’s eyes sharpened at the mention of his financials- of course, what more could you expect from a shark who’d joined an operation like this- and the man quickly smiled.

“But of course Mr. Wayne!” He turned around, leading them towards an elevator, “Our labs are just downstairs, easy access you know, and well.. with any new specimens it’s always best to start right away!”

Bruce’s eyes narrowed. They already had subjects? Their reports, their research had indicated they weren’t there yet, but if they were, this could quickly turn into a rescue mis-

“-It’s an absolute honor that we even have one of the Fenton’s themselves working with us!” Bruce sharpened his senses, one of them was here? The people who had laid every base for a hateful crusade against another dimension, all for their own ambition?

“Our labs are right through here,” the director said as he pushed open a door, “Dr. Fenton is working with our prize specimen right now, I’m sure!”

Bruce quickly scanned and analyzed the entire room. Testing tubes, jars filled with green, centrifuges, a sample fridge, glassware, plenty of counter space, all taken up by various tools and materials. And standing in front it was the reason for it all, dressed in a white lab coat over garish latex.

He turned around as they entered, “You know me too well, Director,” the young man spoke, ignoring the green splattered over his gloves, “My work with him isn’t finished yet.”

“Mr.Wayne, meet our frontier scientist, Dr. Daniel Fenton.”

Bruce Wayne scanned the young man, no older than 26, with a height similar to his own and shoulders only halfway less.

A scientist. An unknown. A threat.

Fenton smiled at him, “Tell me Mr.Wayne,” Daniel said, and his smile went sharp, “Do you believe in ghosts?”

[mortevivante]

ok.  so  i  really  have  to  address  the  importance  of  the  references  to  the  archangel  israfil.  i’m  going  to  reference  this  a  lot  for  my  portrayal:  note,  he’s  not  an  angel,  but  there  were  some  theories  that  people  tried  to  use  to  explain  what  they  witnessed  (  except  christine  and  raoul  or  whatnot,  because  they  were  more…  in  on  the  action  )

ok  so  uh,  israfil  is  an  angel  in  islam.  the  name  israfil  translates  to  ‘the  burning  one’

israfil  has  been  associated  with  a  number  of  other  angelic  names  not  pertaining  to  Islam,  including  uriel,  sarafiel  and  raphael.  certain  sources  indicate  that,  created  at  the  beginning  of  time,  israfil  possesses  four  wings,  and  is  so  tall  as  to  be  able  to  reach  from  the  earth  to  the  pillars  of  heaven.  a  beautiful  angel  who  is  a  master  of  music,  israfil  sings  praises  to  god  in  a  thousand  different  languages  ,  the  breath  of  which  is  used  to  inject  life  into  hosts  of  angels  who  add  to  the  songs  themselves.  israfil  is  mentioned  in  lou  harrison’s  second  symphony,  “elegiac,”  in  the  first  and  third  movements  (  each  entitled  tears  of  the  angel  israfel  ).  harrison  writes  that  israfel  is  the  angel  of  music  and  that  he  “stands  with  his  feet  and  his  head  in  the  sun”.    

from  the  opening  of  the  musical  -  “some  of  you  may  recall  the  strange  affair  of  the  phantom  of  the  opera,  a  mystery  never  fully  explained.”  NEVER  FULLY  EXPLAINED  IMPLIES  THERE  ARE,  OR  WERE,  THEORIES.  now,  this  is  the  1800s,  there  was  a  lot  of  religion  going  on.  christianity  had  gained  a  great  deal  of  power,  i  believe  there  were  two  forms  of  judaism.  the  point  of  this  is  the  likelihood  of  anyone  coming  up  with  a  SCIENTIFIC  REASON  or  even  a  NON  RELIGION  BASED  REASON  for  the  ‘strange  affair  of  the  phantom  of  the  opera’  is  SLIM.  due  to  the  prevalence  of  religion,  a  possible  explanation  may  have  been  that  this  man  in  a  mask  was  a  ‘host  for  israfil  gone  wrong’.  the  religious  reference  or  explanation  for  the  deformity  is  ‘uriel’s  touch  gone  wrong’.

anyway,  erik  spent  time  in  persia  (  which  ideally  he  would’ve  used  to  connect  to  his  father’s  culture  but  this  was  not  ideal  ),  where  he  likely  learned  about  israfil,  the  angel  of  music.  when  christine  asked  for  an  angel,  erik  answered.  and  then  everything  went  to  hell.

tl;dr:  there  was  probably  a  theory  about  erik  being  israfil,  as  he  also  seemed  to  vanish  into  thin  air  and  other  than  threads  where  he  encounters  christine  or  someone  else  from  the  past,  it’s  most  likely  that  no  one  ever  heard  from  or  found  him  again.

p.s.  angels  are  terrifying,  many  descriptions  are  written  as  if  the  person  encountering  an  angel  can’t  even  figure  out  how  to  describe  it;  as  if  the  angel  is  beyond  the  human  imagination.

[bringerofplagues]

The Bizarre Masterpiece of JoJos Bizarre Adventure Part 4

My goal with this essay will be to illustrate why I found Stardust Crusaders disappointing and how i think Diamond Is Unbreakable managed to fix everything wrong with part 3 and became my favorite JoJo part. I will mention that the only part of the manga that i have read is stone ocean, which means i will not be taking Steel Ball Run and JoJolion into account.

Now in order to understand the problem with Stardust Crusaders we have to understand Phantom Blood and Battle Tendency. Phantom Blood focuses on Jonathan Joestar and his battle with his evil vampire adopted brother Dio Brando. Jonathan's ability to fight Dio and his underlings comes from his mastery of Hamon, a sun energy that is controlled through the breath. Phantom Blood is by far the shortest JoJo part and as such it lacks a lot of character work and interesting fight choreography, and really it should be understand as backstory for the rest of the story. One important part is that Jonathan is capable of using a sword to conduct Hamon, thus introducing the theme that certain materials can be used to contain Hamon and sent it into an opponent. The second part of JoJos is Battle Tendency, following Joseph Joestar, Jonathan's grandchild. During Battle Tendency a group of 4 ancient beings known as the Pillar Men awaken. It is revealed that they were the ones who made the stone mask that turned Dio into a vampire, and that they are weak to the sun and Hamon. It is now up to Joseph and his friend / rival Ceasar to master Hamon and defeat the Pillar Men. While Ceasar starts out being adept at Hamon, Joseph instead focuses on analyzing his opponents moves, almost always being able to predict what they are going to say, and uses trickery to win his battles. Where Jonathan relied heavily on his strength to win battles Josephs specific fighting style allows for much more interesting fights. Every battle ends up feeling unique, Joseph will almost always come up with a new trick to counter his specific opponent and seeing him figure out how to outsmart his opponent is a delight.

JoJos next and third part is the widely popular Stardust Crusaders, following Josephs grandchild Jotaro Kujo, a Japanese high school student. This part introduces stands, which are probably the most famous thing from the entire series. These ghost like figures are representations of a persons fighting spirit and each comes with a series of stats describing its physical fighting ability as well as what is known as a stand ability, an ability which is unique to each stand. Jotaro suddenly gets a stand, and Joseph reveals that Dio is back, all though now refered to as DIO in all caps. It turns out that during the end of Phantom Blood Dio was able to steal Jonathans body and he has now used a mysterious arrow to give himself a stand. But since DIO has Josephs body this action has also given every member of the Joestar bloodline a stand due to the spiritual connection between them. Jotaros mother and Holly, who is the daughter of Joseph, is dying from her stand and so Jotaro must team up with the group that will be known as the stardust crusaders in order to defeat DIO and save Holly. This group consists Muhammad Avdol whose stand Magicians Red can throw fire at people, Jean Pierre Polnareff with the sword wielding stand Silver Chariot, Noriaki Kakoyin who can fire emeralds from his stand Hierophant Green and Josephs whose stand Hermit Purple has little to no combat strength but can be used to show him visions of what he wishes to see using different mediums (mainly destroying cameras). Magicians Purple has also been confirmed by the series’ creator Araki to be a representation of Josephs Hamon. The gang later gets joined by the dog Iggy whose stand the Fool can morph sand into different shapes. The problem with Stardust Crusaders, at least for me, is that all though all of the crusaders have their own interesting abilities they are almost never used and a large majority of fights ends with Jotaro punching someone. Gone are the days where a battle was about finding different and unique ways to defeat your opponent, now it’s just about getting Jotaro into punching range. The reason for this is that Jotaros stand ability is only revealed during the last fight against DIO. DIOs stand The World has the ability to stop time, and only those who can stop time can move while it is stopped. Early on in the fight Jotaro notices how similar The World and Star Platinum are, and it is hinted at that this is when he realizes his stand ability. The fight continues and Jotaro tries to hide his power to stop time from DIO, at one point using magnets to trick DIO into believing that he couldn’t actually stop time and was just using the magnets to trick DIO. While this fight and the twist of Jotaros stand ability are great and worth the set up, they come at the price of all of Jotaros prior fights having to be without the use of a stand ability, thus making it a lot harder to making them feel unique and interesting. And this wouldn’t have been a problem if this part of JoJo had better utilized the other members of the Stardust Crusaders. Noone embodies this problem more clearly than Jospeh. See Joseph has what i consider the best fight in the entire season, when he fights the stand user Nena, whose stand the Empress attaches itself to his arm and threatens to kill him, but because it is attached to him if he tries to hurt it he will hurt himself. This leads Joseph to having to run around the town trying to minimize the damage he does to it’s inhabitants while he figures out how to defeat his enemy. At one point he rolls around in some dust while fighting the Empress, and it is later revealed that he used his stand Hermit Purple on the dust in order to show him the route some coal tar, which would allow him to fossilize the Empress stand, get it off his arm and destroy it. This fight perfectly utilizes Joseph as a character, he runs away which is a technique he used a lot in Battle Tendency and he ultimately wins by tricking his opponent. The sad thing is that this is the only time in Stardust Crusaders we get see Joseph like this, despite there being 2 perfect opportunities for Joseph to do something interesting. The first one is during a fight against a Stand known as the sun. This Stand doesn’t fight opponents directly but instead slowly raises the heat coming from the sun thus killing its enemies from heat exposure. As such the point of this battle is not to defeat the stand but to find the stand user and beat them before the gang dies. It turns out the stand user was hiding behind a mirror, which the gang noticed because part of the dessert was perfectly mirrored. The problem is that Joseph is the only person not to notice. Joseph, a fighter who has time and time again used his ability to notice the smallest of details to predict his opponent, even to the point of knowing what they will say, is the only person who doesn’t notice. This straight up doesn’t feel in line with his character. And then there is the fight against Alessi,which many fans have wanted Joseph to participate in. Alessis stand allows him to age down his opponent, weakening them and their stands to the point of being unable to fight. This fight mainly just includes Alessi trying to hunt down and kill a child Polnareff before getting beaten up by a child Jotaro using Star Platinum. Now i want to state up front that Araki has said that the reason Joseph wasn’t in this fight is because he doesn’t like doing things just because of fan service. While i agree with this sentiment, i do think there is a legitimate good reason for Joseph to be in this fight instead of Polnareff and Jotaro. Remember before he had Hermit Purple, Josephs main weapon was his Hamon, and while it can’t directly hurt someone who is not a vampire or Pillar Man, it can be used to manipulate objects. For example Joseph uses it to make a bottle of cola bubble over so he can launch bottle cap into the face of a racist police officer. There is also the fact that non stand users can’t see stands, which means Joseph would have to find another way to avoid getting attacked by Alessi. We could have had a fight where a young Joseph has to find creative ways to use his Hamon to indirectly harm Alessi, all the while he has to use his ability of prediction to avoid getting killed. Yes, this fight would have been fan servicy, but it would also have been a completely unique fight for the series, the most creative and interesting Hamon user against a stand user. It was a perfect opportunity to break the monotony of Stardust Crusaders, and instead we got another fight where Jotaro wins by punching someone really hard.

So, how does Diamond is Unbreakable fix this? To answer that i am gonna give you a short introduction to this part. Here we follow Josephs young son Josuke, whom he had with a woman during a business trip to Japan and who is a lot younger than Jotaro. Josuke doesn’t know his father and instead grew up with his mother and grandfather in the small town of Morio. Early in his life Josuke got sick because of the Joestar family stand shenanigans that DIO started just like what happened to Holly and he ended up getting saved by a man with a pompadour, which is why he mimics that hairstyle and gets very mad if someone makes fun of it. At the start of the series Josukes granddad gets killed by a stand wielding serial killer named Angelo, partly because Josuke doesn’t bother looking after Angelo after imprisoning him. Feeling guilty for the death of his grandfather, who was a police officer, Josuke swears to take up his mandle as the defender of Morio, and together with his friends he forms the Morio defenders protecting the city from malicious stand users. As it turns out there is another serial killer in town, named Kira, who uses his stand Killer Queen to blow up women and steal their hands which he will then date until they rot. The series has a large focus on the city of Morio, as well as its community of stand users and tracking down Kira. In one of the earliest scenes of the series Josuke is showed trying to help a turtle get to safety, establishing him as kind and caring, a fact which is referenced by his stand. His stand is named Crazy Diamond and while it is physically a lot weaker than Star Platinum it can fix any object after punching it, but if Josuke doesn’t concentrate the object will be fixed wrong. He can also use Crazy Diamond to heal people, but he can’t heal himself and he can’t bring people back from death. And this is the fist improvement from Stardust Crusaders, Josuke is by no means weak but he is no where near as strong as Jotaro and his stand power forces him to think of how he can creatively use it to defeat his opponents. Another great fact about Diamond Is Unbreakable is that a lot of the time after defeating a foe, said foe will join the Morio Defenders. See most enemies in Stardust Crusaders would be permanently “out of action” and only a select few villains would return. But in Diamond Is Unbreakable most villains get to appear again and you get to see them in another fight or two, and everyone gets their fair share of fights. Yes Josuke is the main character and gets the most attention, everyone else still gets a satisfying amount of fights. The stand abilities are also a lot more interesting than in part 3. In part 3 we had stand abilities like “it lets its user control bullets from his gun” or “it kills people with fog”. In DIU we have a stand that takes the form of an electric pylon, its user can’t leave the pylon unless someone else enters it and then they get caught inside of it until someone new enters. Also if you attack the pylon it reflects the damage back at you. But, i didn’t call DIU a masterpiece just because it has fun battles, so i am now gonna start talking about themes and characters.

Like i said, one of the themes of part 4 is community, the Morio defenders all come together to stop Kira and each contributes in their own way, but the one character who does the most in order to track down Kira is Rohan Kishibe. Rohan is a mangaka and he has the stand Heavens Door, allowing him to turn peoples faces into books, and anything he writes in them will happen. See, the defenders fist find out about Kira because Rohan wants to visist an alley haunted by ghosts, and there he meets a girl named Remi who is the ghost of Kiras first victim. Later in that same episode, while visiting her grave, Rohan finds out that not only was he friends with Remi, he was in her home on the night that she died and he only survived because she hid him in a bush. It is after this that Rohan starts looking for Kira. At one point, after having been found by Josuke and Jotaro Kira forces another stand user to swap his face with another mans, before killing the two of them and escaping with his new identity. It is Rohan who manages who finds a kid named Hayato, the son of the man whose face Kira stole. Hayato want’s to stop Kira but can’t since Kira has unlocked a new part of his stand, this allows him to plant a bomb inside Hayato that will explode if he tells anyone about Kira which will kill the person he told before turning time back to a specific point, and only Hayato will be able to remember what happened. Even tho he dies, Rohan does manage to tell Hayato that he is waiting on someone, a fact that will be important when i discuss Hayatos character. Now it is never stated explicitly but i chose to interpret Rohans actions after learning about his past with Remi as stemming from a feeling that now it is personal. See Rohan isn’t exactly a good guy, hell he starts out as a villain, but finding out that Remi was his friend, finding out that something so traumatic happened to him, i think this angers the deeply selfish Rohan which is why he works so hard to find Kira. But this is also part of his character ark, Rohan starts out being very eccentric and while he still is at the end of the series, him joining the hunt for Kira allows him to befriend a lot of people, mainly the highly reliable Koichi Hirose, and when Remi leaves Morio, finally being able to go to the afterlife Rohan is able to admit that he will miss her. It is through the hunt for Kira that Rohan can join the community.

The next character i want to discuss is Hayato along with the theme of denying fate. Hayato is a lonely and sad kid, who realizes that his dad is no longer acting like himself and finds out that his dad has been replaced with a serial killer. Now like previously stated non-stand users can’t see stands so Hayato has no idea what is going on or how Kira does the things he does. Another trait to Kira is his incredible luck, whenever it seems something is about to go wrong for Kira he gets lucky and finds a way out, so to Hayato it seems like Kira is destined to win. And yet he persists, he keeps trying to find a way to beat him and each time the time loop resets, each time he fails he tries again. In the end he manages to use Kiras pride against him. Since Hayato can’t tell others about Kira, he gets him to say his name out loud in a spot where Josuke will hear out, thus leading to the final Confrontation between the two. Since Kiras ability to reverse time only triggers if Hayato is the one to reveal his secret it doesn’t go into effect at this point, and when Josuke begins to ponder whether it was fate or coincidence that led him to find Kira, Hayato proclaims that it was neither, and was instead a gamble. Despite only getting introduced late in the season Hayato is an incredibly important character, it is only through his determination, willingness to go against fate and will to do good that Kira is defeated. Thus Hayato inhabits many of the themes of the season.

Kira is the second to last character i want to discuss, and i want to argue that he is the dark mirror to Josuke and the Morio Defenders. First of all, during the part of the season where the Defenders are looking for Kira the song “Chase” is used as the intro song. The musician MasakoXtreme has made an excellent English cover for this song that i highly recommend you listen to, and it is the version i will be using.The song discusses how the POV characters has lost all they know to some evil force and how they are now finding themselves in a world that seems unknown to them. This character proclaims that they will chase the person who took all of this from them no matter what, and that the monster tenacity will be their doom. The reason i bring this song up is because it can be understood as being both from the perspective of Kira and Josuke. While Josuke has lost a friend to Kiras murders (more on that in the next paragraph) but one of Kiras main traits is his desire to live a normal life without too much attention. This simple life was taken away from Kira when the Morio defenders started investigating and forced him to change his face. Then there is the idea that a persons tenacity will be their doom, as i have stated one of the main themes of the heroes of this story is their determination, they are all very tenacious. And then there is the idea of chasing the monster, this references the cat and mouse game between Kira and the Defenders, both trying to chase down and defeat the other. Kira shares many of the traits that define someone like Josuke. He is willing to keep fighting no matter how bleak the situation is, but since he doesn’t have Josukes kindness and so what he fights for is the ability to continue killing people. Kira is also very conventionally attractive. I bring this up because there is a tendency within character design to use attractiveness to show off a characters morality, the idea being that a their outside reflects their inside. So an ugly character would reflect and ugly an evil personality, while a handsome character would be good and kind. But Kira is attractive which means he takes on a trait typically associated with a hero. This also plays together with his desire to live a simple life without attention, given how many successful serial killers in real life are able to seem like normal people, putting on a mask of someone who is well functioning and often very charming. By being handsome it is easier for Kira to fit in and gain the trust of people around him. And while on this topic it would be a mistake not to bring up the famous “I am Yoshikage Kira�� speech, in which Kira describes his daily routine to one of Josukes friends who found the hand Kira was dating at that time. While i won’t present it here, and i do recommend you look it up, all you really need to know is that this speech presents and utterly normal routine with nothing that seems odd or out of place, yet the way Kira and his voice actor deliver it it still manages to feel truly unsettling.

Now it is time for us to finally go into depth with the protagonist of the story: Josuke. First of all i want to expand on my point that Josuke has taken up the mantle of the defender of Morio from his grandfather. See, as i have mentioned Kira kills one of Josukes friends, a child named Shigechi, and this is what motivates Josuke to begin hunting down Kira. The thing is he knew about Kira before Shigechi died, Rohan had already met Remi at this point and told the rest of the Defenders about the serial killer, yet Josuke had done little to nothing to find Kira, he hadn’t even warned his friends that they might be in danger, so Shigechi didn’t know about Kira. Much like how Josukes dad died because Josuke had not taken the job of guarding Angelo seriously, Shigechi died because Josuke had not taken the threat of Kira seriously. This represents a pivotal moment in Josukes character arc. While he does genuinely want to defend his city and the people he cares about, Josuke is still by large the kid he was when his grandfather died, it is only when Shigechi died that Josuke realizes how big a threat Kira is and that when dealing with someone like Kira one can not simply wait around for them to make move, you have to take the situation more seriously than that. Another interesting thing about Josuke is his relationship to the name of the season “Diamond is unbreakable”. Josukes stand is named Crazy Diamond, and as stated a stand represents the fighting spirit of its owner. So if Crazy Diamond is the diamond the title references, that would mean Josukes fighting spirit can not be broken. Again, one of the main characteristics of the heroes of this story is their tenacity and Josuke fully embodies this. Then there is his kindness. When Jotaro finds out how Josukes stand ability he refers to it as “kinder than anything else”. It is this kindness that allows Josuke to form the Morio Defenders who help him protect his city, instead of putting his foes out of action he befriends them and adds them to his team. The sense of community that matters so much to the themes of DIU can only exist because Josuke spares his enemies whenever he can. An example of this in practice is Josuke sparing and agreeing to help the Nejmura brothers and befriending Okuyasu Nejmura. During the final battle Okuyasu willingly sacrifices himself (all though he doesn’t die don’t worry) to aid Josuke, and if he hadn’t done that it is likely that Josuke would have been unable to defeat Kira. While Josuka takes on his grandfathers role as the defender of Morio, it is also not a role he must play alone, and through the connections he makes he crafts a powerful bond, a bond that is as unbreakable as diamond.

[vacantgodling]

ren reads: the phantom of the opera (pt. 1) — prologue & chapter 1

as an aside: feel free to block ren reads if you don’t want to see or hear about my musings as i read books lol

INTRO: we’re starting with my beloved phantom of the opera — which i have never read LMAO. i’ve had the book for ages on my shelf but never got around to reading it. i love the musical so so much but i haven’t been in a reading mood for YEARS. so. ye :p

i think what immediately strikes me about reading this book is that gaston leroux seems to make himself an active character (to an extent) in the story. the prologue essentially explains how gaston leroux (the character, yet, himself) has gathered all the information about the mysterious phantom of the opera from a variety of different sources in an attempt to corroborate that the phantom existed at all but also to dispel the idea that it was simply a rivalry between two brothers that caused the disappearance of christine.

“… the mysterious and dramatic conditions that attended the kidnapping of Christine Daaé, the disappearance of the Viscomte de Chagny, and the death of his elder brother, Count Philippe, whose body was found on the bank of the lake that exists in the lower cellars of the Opera… […] But none of those witnesses had until that day thought that there was any reason for connecting the more or less legendary figure of the Phantom of the Opera with that terrible story.”

so the entire premise of the book is leading up to the chagny case—where a count was murdered, the younger brother has disappeared, and christine has Also vanished, all of which happened 30-ish years prior to when gaston (the character) is writing this long story and explanation. this puts things into a different perspective to me personally in comparison to the play—and when i say play i’m usually referring to the phantom of the opera 25th royal albert hall performance because it’s the best one. but i assume this is true for all versions of the play. but there’s the beginning bit where there’s an auction going on for special or unique items from the opera house bc it’s being shut down (or has been for some time). so it makes everything feel more like a flashback, which to me is different than a retelling from a third party’s perspective after the event in question has already happened. you get the same type of dichotomy when you watch any frankenstein adaption vs mary shelley’s actual book: we start with a third party account removed from the event in question to establish the set up and to tell you the end goal of the novel (as in: where we’re ending up by the end of this). flashbacks are more in the present moment to me; retellings allow for the narrator (as in the case with gaston—the character) to take on a role in shaping our expectations of characters and events. they’re not impartial and that’s very important to consider.

as a small example, one of the things that i’ve been enjoying about gaston (the character’s) narration is the way certain characters are described physically. like it makes me laugh lmao. as an example, take a character you probably know from the play: meg giry

“[…]—the girl with eyes black as sloes [wild plums], hair black as ink, a swarthy complexion and a poor little skin stretched over poor little bones[…]”

and then he goes on again to describe her as a dried plum and i’m—

i’m sorry it’s objectively hilarious to me. but to my point, there’s a bias there with gaston’s (the character—i’m just gonna put TC next to his name if and when i am referring to him as a character jfc) that i wasn’t aware of. it creates a different experience.

this also ties into the fact that the play’s ending (as far as i can tell from chapter one and the prologue) is a much happier twist than what actually occurs in book and what we’re talking about. the play ends with christine and raoul being together with the phantom slinking off into the shadows never to be seen again (which, happier for christine and raoul i suppose) meanwhile the book is saying that christine, the phantom and raoul have all vanished and raoul’s elder brother is dead. literally the entire plot line with raoul’s brother is nonexistent in the play—which adds another layer of depth which is blindsiding me a little bit. i think for the sake of time and for the songs, the play mainly focuses on the “love triangle” between raoul, the phantom, and christine, and aside from being christine’s love interest and protector, raoul doesn’t really have his Own storyline going on. i’m very curious to see where the story will go with this added plot thread and what his brother is like in the first place. they’re described (raoul and his brother) to be adoring of one another, so the fact that people assume that raoul did it is fascinating; so i want to see if i can understand why gaston TC is saying that’s the public opinion.

the last little bit i want to touch on here bc this is getting EXTREMELY long is that everyone is supremely superstitious and i find it interesting that this is notated in the book bc it’s a real showcase of the times and what’s considered “normality.” when you think of france in this time (late 1800s-early 1900s) and really much of western europe, you assume there’s a heavy emphasis on christianity as we know religious conservatives to be today. but it’s more complicated than that. but i counted about 8 instances alone in chapter 1 where people are explicitly said to be superstitious (like la sorelli one of the principal dancers & gabriel the chorus master) and several instances of people crossing themselves, using horseshoes and iron/metal and touching rings/making gestures with their hands to ward off back luck or evil. which, given our modern viewpoint of this time we would assume they’d all be praying to god etc etc. it just strikes me that in the presence of the supernatural, people are more likely to act on “tried and true” superstitions than relying on something that doesn’t involve them doing something to stop the evil from hurting you.

it’s very fascinating!

i’m really enjoying everything so far and i’m gonna keep going on to chapter 2 :)

[caffeinatedseri]

Dead Apple Light Novel

Recently, I decided to buy LN 5, Dead Apple, purely because I’m a sucker for all of BSD’s light novels, so this post will revolve around what I took away from this novel. 

Dead Apple is Canon

Since the story jumps around in the timeline a lot, I had originally thought that Dead Apple took place outside of canon (especially with Atsushi’s flashback). 

However, a particular part of Asagiri’s afterword stuck out to me:

Now, allow me a moment to discuss some of the particulars of Dead Apple. Chronologically, the story takes place after the second season of the anime — in other words, after the war with the Guild, which puts Dead Apple somewhere between the ninth and tenth volumes of the manga. 

The novel also ended up affecting the main story in numerous ways, and I’m sure this new experience will continue to influence my future work as well.

It’s not unusual for a light novel to insert itself into the main timeline (see 55 Minutes which takes place in the 10th volume), but it’s nice to have confirmation that the same applies to Dead Apple. 

Of course, just because a work isn’t canon compliant (see BEAST), doesn’t mean that it has no potential for further analysis or it doesn’t bring any added complexity to the main plot. Regardless, this post serves as somewhat of a precursor to my other posts concerning Dead Apple since I have a tendency to talk about it a lot, and I’d like to establish a basis for a lot of my posts. 

Differences between the Movie and Light Novel

In the afterword of the light novel, Hiro Iwahata (the author of this LN) said:

“Furthermore, I worked on this book under Asagiri’s supervision, meaning there are several lines in certain scenes that differ from the movie. It might even be fun comparing the two!  Nothing would make me happier than the fans enjoying this novel alongside the movie.”

As per Iwahata’s request, I went into the light novel, looking for differences between it and the movie. However, the novel is surprisingly, almost identical to the movie (maybe not surprising considering it is a “movie novelization”).

Because the differences are so miniscule, I believe they hold an even greater significance, since Asagiri must have wanted to change these specific details for a certain reason. 

Some of the differences I talk about might be unimportant, but I did my best to catch everything that was changed from the movie.

1. The movie doesn’t mention SKK as a part of the Dragon’s Head Conflict, but the novel says, “Some fought under the alias Twin Dark.” 

This probably means that SKK became a pair either before the Dragon’s Head Conflict or during (although I’m pretty sure that the “organization” they destroyed over night was Shibusawa’s organization).

2. When Dazai says that he would’ve continued killing people in the mafia if it weren’t for Oda, Atsushi has little to no reaction in the movie; I would describe it as maybe a hesitant or concerned feeling.

In the novel, Atsushi has a more outward reaction.

““Huh...?!” Atsushi was baffled. He had no idea whether that was true. What did Dazai mean by that? (...) The melancholy Atsushi felt from Dazai had disappeared, and Dazai continued to speak in his usual lighthearted manner.”

Not only does he react verbally, but the novel also adds an inner monologue (mainly for Atsushi) that can’t be portrayed as well in movie format. 

To me, this change highlights how Atsushi sees Dazai purely as a good person; he reacts in such a startled manner because he believes that Dazai is too good of a person to be in the mafia killing people (which we know Atsushi hates). This trend reoccurs throughout the story, of Atsushi turning a blind eye to Dazai’s “bad side.”

3. This one isn’t at all the movie’s fault, but the novel gives a lot more clues as to what the “dead apple” and the dagger in the apple motif represents.

The first time it appears is when Kunikida and Tanizaki meet the Special Division’s agent, but they find out that he’s already dead.

“It [the apple] was, without a doubt, a simple fruit... save for the fact that there was a knife sticking out of it as if to condemn the taste of sin. A blade had been driven into the symbol of original sin. A dreary, ominous aura, oozed from the ripe fruit like venom. 

Throughout the novel, it seems to associate the “dead apple” motif with Fyodor pretty strongly, especially since this paragraph ties in Fyodor’s ideals nicely with the symbolism of the apple and dagger.

The apple represents sin, the very first sin — which you could interpret as sin at its purest — while the dagger represents the condemning of such sin. However, the apple can also potentially symbolize life, while the dagger stabbing into life can mean death. 

Fyodor’s ideals revolve around “removing the sin” of ability users (represented by an apple in this case) but he does so through manipulation. The dagger is associated with stealth and deception, which is fitting with what Fyodor does to “remove the sin” of ability users.

However, he’s also taking the lives of ability users in this process, hence stabbing the apple, coincidentally committing another sin in his attempt to relinquish all sin.

4. In the “Snow White” Oda and Dazai flashback, everything is identical to the movie (word for word), but there is some additional narration.

“It was an alarming sight — Dazai sounded like he was in a trance. It was as if he was ignoring all this world had to offer while in pursuit of something else.”

I’ve talked about this particular scene before here, but the gist is that Dazai was discreetly talking about himself while referring to Snow White. 

Dazai joined the mafia because he believed that the violence (or true human nature) would give him a reason to live, but we already know that this kind of thinking was flawed.  Thus, this line most likely means that Dazai was ignoring all of the “good” qualities of the world while pursuing a reason to live, which inevitably wouldn’t work. 

5. Right after the flashback, when Dazai takes the pill, the novel really sells the act of “Dazai walking towards his death and going to the evil side.” 

Personally, this scene in the movie felt more open to interpretation after you’ve seen the ending. You could say that Dazai took the antidote and said “Being on the side that saves people is more beautiful,” because his plan is to continue living to save more people. 

However, the novel throws away any possible double meaning with this paragraph:

“Dazai then reached for the pill with his bandaged hand, neatly picked it up, and slowly brought it to his lips — just like Snow White and the sweet, poisoned apple. The venomous red-and-pure-white-pill disappeared inside his mouth.”

After Dazai’s tangent on how Snow White could’ve committed suicide out of despair, the narration compares him directly to Snow White. With the added venomous pill stated outright, it only further cements the idea that Dazai’s actually committing suicide here.

I don’t particularly like this change, because it feels like this moment was set up entirely just to divert the audience’s expectations, rather than it be a standalone scene that makes sense when considering the rest of the story. (It might not necessarily be a change, possibly just a rough translation from movie to novel). 

6. When Atsushi wakes up from his nightmare, there’s some additional inner monologue:

Everything’s okay. I’m not the same person I was when I lived at the orphanage. I have friends. I have a place where I belong — the Armed Detective Agency. Things are different now.

The anime (and in turn the movie) tends to downplay the effects of Atsushi’s trauma — probably due to the limitations of anime — but regardless the novel portrays it much better with how Atsushi’s trauma affects practically every aspect of his life. 

7. I thought Fukuzawa’s ability only gave his subordinates control over their abilities, but the novel says:

“Yukichi Fukuzawa and his skill, All Men are Equal, a peculiar ability that allowed him to suppress and control his subordinates’ skills.”

Does this mean that Fukuzawa could control and suppress all of the agency’s abilities? It could be a weird translation, but it seems oddly specific.

8. This detail isn’t actually a novel exclusive, but it is an extremely small detail that I missed while watching the movie, so I figured I would add it here too.

“the phantom’s notebook had the word Compromise written on the cover. A copy of himself that didn’t follow ideals but made compromises was an abomination to Kunikida.”

Considering how abilities act as the shadow to every character in this story, this is a nice detail that shows how Kunikida’s inner desire is to compromise, because carrying such heavy ideals is undoubtedly a burden. However, because he holds onto his ideals so strongly, it becomes his biggest weakness AND his biggest strength.

9. There’s a super small detail added to this scene with Dazai, Fyodor, and Shibusawa. When Dazai suggests that Shibusawa could be saved by an angel or a demon, the following exchange occurs:

“Hmm... Maybe an angel?” Dazai picked up the skull on the table. “Or maybe a demon?” “It’s obvious what both of your true intentions are, if you ask me.” The third man mirthfully cackled and took the skull from Dazai’s hand.

In the movie, Dazai doesn’t pick up anything, so as a result Fyodor doesn’t take anything from Dazai either. 

Because Fyodor walked into the scene after Dazai suggested that an angel or demon would save Shibusawa, I strongly suspect that this was foreshadowing future events in which Fyodor does “save” Shibusawa by giving him his memories back.

The novel adds more to this foreshadowing by having Dazai pick up the skull before it’s taken by Fyodor — essentially having Fyodor take the cards out of Dazai’s hands and put them in his favor. 

It’s also worth pointing out that the skull is also the object that Fyodor uses to revive Shibusawa into a supernatural ghost of some sorts at the end of the story.

10. This may be just a difference in translations but in the movie, Shibusawa refers to Fyodor as “Demon Fyodor-kun”, whereas in the novel Fyodor is called “Fyodor the Conjurer.” (Ango uses the Conjurer title as well).

In western esotericism, a conjurer is a person who summons supernatural beings, like spirits, demons, or God.

This slightly changes the connotation of Fyodor’s title from a inhuman being of pure malicious intent to just a human who summons these otherworldly beings. This idea also aligns with Shibusawa’s revival, since he’s some sort of supernatural ghost that was “summoned” by Fyodor. 

11. Skipping past the parts where Kyouka and Akutagawa regain their abilities, and Chuuya talks to Ango in the government facility, (since they have little to no changes between the movie and the novel) there is a somewhat significant detail changed in Draconia once again with Dazai and Fyodor.

In the novel, this glowing ball of energy from the movie is actually described as an apple: 

The two lights melted into one and spun until they formed a juicy sphere. They had produced a single apple — a juicy, poisoned apple red as blood.

It birthed a skill — and an extremely powerful one at that — the ability to absorb. Every last crystal adorning Draconia’s walls was sucked into the apple with intense force. Ten — a hundred — a thousand — two thousand — every last one was greedily devoured by the apple...

The apple swelled as it absorbed the numerous crystals until the red light became hotter than the surface of hell.

Since the “dead apple” motif aligns with Fyodor’s character, we can assume that the apple is representative of sin, and sin is associated with abilities, as Fyodor believes.

This strange poisoned apple is made of abilities and has an ability (the ability to absorb), and it commits a sin (greed) in its devouring of other abilities; it’s also hotter than “hell”, which is a very specific connection that leads me to this idea:

My theory is that a normal apple represents life, while a poisoned apple (or dead apple), indicative of a stained, impure life, represents sin. Fyodor believes abilities are akin to sin (what a clever rhyme), therefore all of their lives are sinful.

12. This is arguably the most insignificant change of this entire post, but I feel obligated to put it here regardless since it was different from the movie. When the Special Division detects the singularity of Shibusawa’s dragon form in the novel, it says:

“Abnormal values for singularity are increasing! They’re twice — no, 2.5 times higher than they were six years ago.”

In the movie, the number is five times higher instead.

Why did this number change? Is it significant? I honestly have no idea (I’m surprised I even caught this), but it’s there and I had to document it anyways. 

13. The novel adds this narration for Shibusawa when he gets his memories back and he’s in the orphanage’s room with Atsushi:

“Shibusawa clearly recalled the events from six years ago. Fyodor had enticed him to go to the orphanage where he tortured a young Atsushi... until Atsushi fought back and killed him.”

There’s two things to take away from this: Fyodor had known Shibusawa for at least six years, and Fyodor had been planning the events of Dead Apple since at least six years ago. 

I find it hard to believe that Fyodor’s plan was thwarted by Dazai, because of how Fyodor demonstrated his ability to plan ahead in the main series, but I’m not sure what the long term effects of this plan could be. If Shibusawa succeeded, then it could’ve aligned with the DOA’s goals, but once again I don’t think Fyodor’s plan was actually foiled.

14. Super minor once again, but right after Shibusawa gets revived, the last sentence of chapter 5 is,

“Nobody would ever see the smile on Fyodor’s face.” 

Honestly, I think this was just added to create an ominous tone, but it’s a nice detail regardless.

15. As the red fog spreads across Yokohama, there’s a good part of exposition that connects the “dead apple” motif to Fyodor once again:

“After the red fog devoured the earth, the planet would undoubtedly look like a floating red apple from space. There would be no humans left on its surface, nor any signs they ever existed. It would be a true paradise, and with that, the Dead Apple would finally be complete. A dead planet covered in red fog — that was what Fyodor had planned and sought out.

Nothing other than death could wash away the original sin of man, so it was only fitting for the sin, which started with a fruit, to end with one as well. 

It’s pretty long, but I like the way this passage is written, more specifically the last part since it fits well with the sinful poisoned apple idea.

It also aligns with Fyodor’s ideals of creating a true paradise, free of ability users. However, if Fyodor had planned to have the Earth covered in fog, that could mean that his plan was actually stopped by Dazai and Atsushi in the end.

16. Shibusawa has a few additional lines of dialogue when he talks to Atsushi in their final fight.

“The dragon and tiger... I see now why they are called rivals.”

The dragon and tiger have their roots in Chinese Buddhism, but to go further into that topic would make this already lengthy post even longer.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, though. I’m not blaming you for what happened.”

This line is a brief moment of weakness for Shibusawa, which is interesting in contrast to his strong will to kill Atsushi. Just as Atsushi learned to accept the past and the tiger’s ferocity, Shibusawa shares the same attitude by separating the blame from himself to just simply accepting the past for what happened.

17. In the aftermath of the last fight against Shibusawa, Atsushi and Kyouka meet up with Dazai.

Kyouka asks, “Are you sure this is what you wanted?” which prompts two different responses in the movie and novel respectively.

In the movie, Atsushi says, “Just as Shibusawa was able to forget that he’d been killed before, I think Dazai can put his past behind him again. But this is fine.”

In the novel, Atsushi says:

“... I could probably seal away this memory just like how I’d forgotten I’d killed him before. But... I’m okay with this.”

I interpreted Kyouka’s question in the movie to be questioning Dazai’s loyalties, as he did betray everyone, and Atsushi responded in Dazai’s defense because he trusts him.

However, the novel does change Atsushi’s response to focus on himself rather than Dazai, which in turn changes the implications of Kyouka’s question. 

Kyouka seems to be asking Atsushi whether he was okay with killing Shibusawa, and Atsushi responds by acknowledging that he did kill Shibusawa, and that’s okay. (a very clear development from the beginning of the story when he believed it was unnecessary to kill anyone, and he didn’t want to kill anyone)

18. In the epilogue, Ango talks about the underlying motivations behind the “Dead Apple” case. This change could be attributed to translation differences (like many others in this post), but the connotation does slightly differ from movie to novel. 

In the movie, Ango says, “How is a man like Shibusawa, so intelligent that others look like alien creatures to him, to act, to be destroyed, or to be saved?”

In the novel, Ango says:

“Perhaps the two of them [Dazai and Fyodor] just wanted to get a glimpse of someone like them... Perhaps they wanted to see what he would do and how he would meet his demise... or perhaps how he would be saved.”

The movie simply poses a broad question of what would happen to Shibusawa, a person alienated from the rest of society. 

The novel changes this to focus on Dazai and Fyodor’s perspective — two irredeemable aliens from society just like Shibusawa — executing this grand scheme out of curiosity to see what would happen to someone of the likes of them, and if there’s a possibility for redemption.

19. This is the final difference on this list, and it’s quite a large change. In Fyodor’s monologue at the very end of the story, he has a completely different tone from the movie to novel.

In the movie, Fyodor says, “But in order to end this world, rife with crime and punishment, I do need that book.”

The novel says: 

Glittering high-rises and stately brick buildings stood side by side in this port city with its countless citizens who struggled against crime and punishment. “I think I’ve taken a liking to this city myself..”  Fyodor took a bite of the apple in his hand, and the juicy nectar ran down his delicate fingers. “You’d all better be on your best behavior until next time.”

The reference to the book may have been removed for consistency with the main series, as the book is a part of the DOA’s plan (or more specifically Fukuchi). 

It also seems like Fyodor has grown fond of the city, and no longer wants Yokohama to be destroyed, so it’s still possible that his plan deterred from what he had originally intended.

Beyond that, I’m not entirely sure why crime and punishment was mentioned, or why there’s such an ominous tone to his ending statement, but that’s up to personal interpretation. 

That concludes the long list of extremely specific and minor differences between the Dead Apple movie and light novel! 

Overall, I would say it’s worth checking out the light novel if you don’t have a strong grasp of the Dead Apple story, because it definitely presents the small intricacies of the plot in a more comprehensible way. 

On a side note, the manga adaptation has a lot of noticeable differences from the movie and light novel, mostly with the addition of entirely new scenes (which you can read @buraihatranslations​ — what a shameless self plug). I would highly recommend reading it as those extra scenes are very amusing, to say the least without giving any spoilers.

Honestly, this post was a lot longer than I intended, but I hope you enjoyed it regardless. Thank you for reading!

[jjba-fragmented-star]

New Reference Sheets for Chemaya and his stand, Dark Horse. I changed a lot of things in his backstory which are mostly the key events of his life. I will write his full backstory in the JoJo's Bizarre Fanon wiki which I will do with my other characters. So backstory, extras and Stand information under the cut.

Basic Information:

Name: Chemaya Alley

Birthname: Chimalley

Alias: Chem-Chem, Maya, Uncle Maya, Golden Eyed Gladiator, Immortal Shield

Namesake:

Chemaya(Shemaiah/Hebrew)= God Heard

Chimalley(Aztec)= Shield

Stand: Dark Horse/Chavel Noir(All the Dark Horses by the Trashcan Sinatras)

Nationality: Central American/French

Birthday: May 3

Zodiac/Chinese Zodiac: Taurus/Ox

Age: 2000(Actual Age)/27(Physical Appearance)

Gender: Male

Height: 7ft/2,13 cm

Weight: 96 kg

Blood Type: A+

Species: Pillar Dhampir(Pillar Man/Human Hybrid)

Occupation: Mentor, Artist's Model, Wanderer Formerly: Gladiator, Investigator, Treasure Hunter, Blacksmith

Personality:

Reliable, Pantient, Practical, Responsible, Mother Hen, Gentleman, Aloof, Stubborn, Less Talkative, Sensitive, Overcautious

Likes: His Family, Horses, Cooking, Spring season, Art, Sunrise, Traveling to different countries, Historical documentaries and books, Jasmine tea.

Dislikes: Stone Masks, Pillar Men(maybe some exceptions), Italy, Rude Behavior, his family and friends being hurt, Pomegranate fruit.

Relatives:

Unnamed Grandfather(Pillar Man)

Unnamed Grandmother(Human)

Izel(Pillar Dhampir/Father)

Fiora(Human/Mother)

Andreas McJohan Andrew Joestar(Adoptive Father)

Dimitra Iovianou/McJohan(Adoptive Mother)

Panajotis McJohan(Adoptive Younger Brother)

Elpida Zoheir/McJohan(Sister-in-law)

Zenobios McJohan(Nephew)

Leonidas McJohan(Great-Nephew)

Diogenes McJohan(Great-Great Nephew)

Hariklia 'Grace' McJohan/Bhraghad(Great-Great-Great Niece)

Ambrogio McJohan(Great-Great-Great Nephew)

Orestes Bhraghad(Great-Great-Great-Great Nephew)

Oswald Bhraghad(Great-Great-Great-Great Nephew)

Isaac McJohan(Great-Great-Great-Great Nephew)

Giorgia McJohan(Great-Great-Great-Great Niece)

Background Information:

Original Timeline

-Chimalley was born in France during the Roman Empire from the Pillar Dhampir Izel and the human woman Fiora. Izel was the child of Pillar Man who survived the massacre of his species by Kars and a human woman in Central America. Fiora was the daughter of merchants and had the ability to predict different possibilities in the future of a person based from their choices.

-He had a good relationship with his parents and a peaceful childhood but everything changed, when he was 17 he watched his parents dying infront of him him by Slave Traders and was captured to be used as a Gladiator for the Colosseum. After 7 years of being treated as an entertainment he decided to escape by freeing the other Gladiators from the Colosseum.

-He traveled across Europe, Africa and Asia to expand his knowledge in the different languages and cultures of each country and meeting new people while learning how to survive and new combat skills.

-He became one of the first stand users in the late 15th Century after being shot unexpectedly by one of the stand arrows from the man who created them and saw the potential of Chimalley to use him for his army of Stand Users. Chimalley during that time was confused, scared and wanted to be away from this man, his stand, Dark Horse, reacted to his thoughts and transported him by disappearing in a cloud of dark smoke somewhere safe.

-His pursuit for the Stone Masks started when he encounter a vampire drinking blood from a woman and a stone masks on the floor in the house of a noble man. Chimalley used for the first time his stand by trapping the vampire into binds of shadows and proceeding by drinking his blood. The woman lost a lot of blood but she was alive before the Pillar Dhampir leave with the stone mask and destroying it.

-In the 17th Century he traveled in Scotland and fell in love with the daughter of a Clan Chief, Eimhir McLeod. Their love didn't last long when a stand user threatened the McLeod chief to destroy his Clan if he didn't get Eimhir to marry him. This turned into a fight between Chimalley and the stand user which resulted the death of Eimhir and the McLeod Clan. After this event the Pillar Dhampir didn't fell in love ever again.

-During the 18th century he changes his name into Chemaya Alley and in the 19th century, the year 1883, he finds a lead to someone who has a stone mask in Greece. He arrived in the city of Argos of the Argolida prefecture in the Peloponnese peninsula, after stealing the mask and destroying it he meets a 13 years old child name Panajotis McJohan, who was a stand user like Chemaya, he traveled with his parents from Nafplio to Argos to do some errands. Panajotis took Chemaya to meets his parents and later was adopted by the McJohan family becoming the older brother of Pano.

-In 1888 before the events of Phantom Blood, He accompanied Panajotis to Liverpool, England, to discuss some important stuff with George Joestar I. They arrived in the Joestar Mansion where they met George's sons, Jonathan and Dio, Chemaya found Jonathan pleasant and kindhearted, while Dio gave a hostile aura and he knew something wasn't right with him. The conversation of Panajotis and George ended with angry shouts from the elder Joestar warning the young McJohan to never come close to his family ever again.

-After this event Panajotis and Chemaya started working as Investigators and Treasure Hunters to earn money for some years and later Panajotis works as a woodcrafter and marries Elpida Zoheir, an Egyptian woman from Alexandria. Chemaya will occasionally visiting or write letters and teach the the McJohan family about stands for the following years.

-In 1939, Chemaya goes to visit his family in Greece when he comes face to face with Wamuu, who was looking for the Red Stone of Aja. His fight with Wamuu was one of the toughest he ever had and he finished it by using Dark Horse to teleport Wamuu to another country.

-In 1987, he encounters again Dio in Cairo, Chemaya learned from him that he became vampire via a stone mask, took the body of his Adoptive Brother, Jonathan, gaining a stand via a stand arrow and wanted to rule. Chemaya became furious with Dio of the things he had done to Jonathan and his family and challenged the stupid brat into a stand fight. The Pillar Dhampir was ruthless with the Vampire and he didn't give him any chances to attack back but in the last moment Dio activated his stand ability and time stopped giving him the opportunity to run away from Chemaya. The hybrid was still angry with him but he didn't chase him because the brat wasn't his problem and wasn't worth of his time.

-In 2002 he was in Italy to buy something for his family when he came across Viktoria Erikson, a Hamon User and a SWF worker, who was chasing a occult who had a stone mask and wanted to become powerful, they where successful in defeating the occult and destroying the mask.

-In November of 2011, Chemaya died by being cut in half by a mysterious stand user.

Fragmented Star AU/EOH game Timeline:

In this universe Chemaya's past is the same as the one in the original universe but with some changes:

-In 1987 learned also from Dio that he has Jonathan's head as a trophy and in 1988 Chemaya breaks into the Mansion before the last battle to save it and putting Jonathan's head into the hotel the Crusaders where staying. Chemaya actually thought Jonathan was dead and his descendants would bury him but his was unconscious and the hamon kept him young and alive, his descendants saved his body from Dio and connected it with his head, the Pillar Dhampir without knowing he saved Jonathan's life.

-In 2002, Viktoria and Chemaya had a third person helping them in the defeat of the occult, his name was Michalis Zannos, a Greek stand user who worked as a singer in a famous restaurant in Italy to save money for his sick mother to go in a hospital.

-In 2011 he survived the killing blow from the enemy stand user by teleporting behind him and hitting him unconscious and bringing to the SPW foundation HQ.

-He is currently living in Nafplio, Greece with his three times Great Nephew and his wife.

EXTRA:

-Chemaya inherited from his mother the ability to see the difference possible futures of someone based on their choices and would advice them to choose the most sensible one.

-He is a Pillar Dhampir like his father, he is physically stronger than a vampire but weaker than a Pillar Man and unlike them he can walk during the day. Also he had a horn like the Pillar Men but he broke it when he became 16 so to blend with the other humans.

-The necklace he wears used to belong to his father.

-He is Demiromantic/Asexual

-The red mark in his jaw is made of paint and he has a tattoo on his left shoulder which resembles the Joestar Birthmark. Panajotis payed a tattooist to draw it in Chemaya's body because he considers him family.

-List of wounds from the 2nd Refsheet of Chemaya:

The wound when he broke his horn, he mostly covers it with a green headband, other times with a hat or a bandana.

He has burns in his right shoulder and left arm

Some cuts in his right arm after he fought with a big dangerous animal

Gun wounds in his left side of his chest and shoulder

Wound from a daggers in the left side of his chest

Wounds from whips during his time as a Gladiator

a wound in the center of his chest after being shot by the stand arrow

And a large cut which a reminder of his death in the original timeline on November of 2011. He remembered the previous timeline and the current one he lives.

-Chemaya has an artist eye and describe in detail any piece of art, the reason is because his Adoptive Brother, Panajotis worked as a woodcrafter later in his life and Chemaya is Artist's Model for his nephew Isaac and his mother, Kyriaki Callas/McJohan, who are both painters and a friend from Spain who is a Sculpturist.

-Chemaya every weekend cooks for his family his favorite recipes, one of them is a simple chicken soup because it reminds him of his mother who made it for him when he was a child.

STAND

Name: Dark Horse/Chavel Noir

Nickname: Noir

Namesake: All the Dark Horses(song by the Trashcan Sinatras)

Stand Type: Natural Non-Humanoid Stand, Phenomenal Stand

Stats:

Destructive Power: A

Speed: A

Range: B

Persistence: B

Precision: C

Development Potential: B

Appearance:

Dark Horse has the appearance of a giant humanoid horse made of black smoke, his has six purple eyes, his mane, tail, hands and hooves have the same colour which resembles a galaxy and has three purple cycles in his chest. He face can split up and form a mouth with fangs, he uses it mostly to eat or attack his opponents.

Abilities:

Smoke Manipulation: Dark Horse is made of black smoke, he can change and size and become solid and intangible. He can form smoky tentacles which can become sharp enough to cut opponents and in intangible form he can enter the victim's body and make them stop breathing. It can also form into gloves that covers the entire arms of his user to attack other stands in close combat.

Shadow Camouflage: The stand can become undetectable as along there is darkness or shadow. He can blend into the shadow of a person or animal and follow them.

Shadow Gates: He make gates out of dark smoke which resembles black holes to transport to different destinations in his user's will. Also they can act as dimensional storages to put personal stuff.

Corporeal Disguise: Dark Horse can take the form a regular brown and white Clydesdale Horse with black mane and tail which can be seen by non-stand user.

Weaknesses:

UV lights and when Dark Horse is in solid form his user can feel the attacks from his opponents.

[regrettablewritings]

Preferences: Guilty Pleasures

Characters: Okoye, Lucifer Morningstar, Dewey Finn, Peter B. Parker, Ahkmenrah

Okoye

Okoye is straightforward and stony upon first impressions. And, admittedly, even afterward. The only real difference is that, if one gets to know her better, they might find shock in the fact that in spite of her appearance, she Dora leader actually likes sweets. However, it’s not sweet things in general that Okoye feels guilty for enjoying: It’s Starbucks.

Starbucks is the antithesis of everything Okoye is associated with: Supremely un-Wakandan, a chain establishment, and overall just not worth the absurd cost. Not to mention superbly unhealthy when compared to the rest of a fighter’s typical diet. But yet you can bet that every time she needs to go out of the country or off-continent, there’s an invasive shout for joy at the possibility that she might be able to get her hands on a Frappucino (followed by an internal scolding).

She can’t even explain exactly why she likes it; there are plenty of good, even healthier sweet things back in Wakanda -- heck, back anywhere else!

But it’s a bit like when someone craves the cheap taste of school pizza over a legit pie cooked in a stone hearth: She just loves the sugary sweetness, the application of whipped cream to an already tooth-rottingly saccharine icy drink, the addition of chocolate. But Bast, she also hates it. But ever since T’Challa practically shoved a grande cup of caramel frappucino into her hands, she hasn’t felt entirely the same.

Against her better judgement, she’s more or less unintentionally tried 45% of the menu drink-wise. She doesn’t particularly care much for the food part of the establishment, though if she should ever find herself in one during the fall, she might indulge in a chunky slice of pumpkin bread under the conviction that it’s healthy enough for being gourd-related. Never mind that it’s just a cinnamon mixture with more sugar than actual pumpkin-derived anything.

Really, of all those mentioned on this list, Okoye is the one who probably feels the most disappointed in herself whenever she indulges in her guilty pleasure: It’s a betrayal to her patriotism, to her dignity, and to her attempts to eat healthy. But damn, if this type of betrayal doesn’t taste so addicting . . .

Lucifer Morningstar

The thing about Lucifer is that it’s actually a bit hard for him to feel any regrets over liking anything; he’s the Devil, after all, so his whole thing is about embracing the things that make you feel good. And even besides that, he’s mostly managed to skate by in his time on Earth by categorizing things as Stuff He Likes, Stuff He Tolerates, Stuff He Doesn’t Bother With, and Stuff Humans Seem to Enjoy But He Doesn’t Quite Get. It’s a tad restricted of a system but you can’t argue with results.

However, just because something is difficult doesn’t mean that it’s impossible. The Devil can, in fact, recognize absurdity in liking certain things. Hence why, to a point, he’s fallen prey to his own bizarre pleasures: The Devil has guilty pleasures, and it’s in stupid YouTube videos, Vine, and TikTok.

After he finally drank the Kool-Aid and got himself a smart phone, it was only a matter of time before Lucifer fell down the rabbit hole that is YouTube prank videos and strange uploads about nonsense and animal humor. It was also only a matter of time before he found himself stumbling into Vine compilations. The Celestial is terrifically mystified by the creative power of humans, managing to tell entire stories and peak comedy in only a span of seven seconds. But he’s also quite loathe to have realized it’s been long defunct by the time he’s discovered it.

He’s even more loathe to find himself making references in his daily life: He has actually quietly blurted out, “I sure hope it does” in response to seeing a Road Work Ahead sign, causing Chloe some confusion (and Lucifer lots of embarrassment). He has referred to a culprit as “Jared, Age 19″. Since discovering Vine, there has been at least one night wherein he and a bed mate were sitting there with barbecue sauce on his tiddies, but that was by sheer coincidence.

But eventually the Vine compilation well dried up, and the inevitable transfer over to TikTok happened. And Luci honestly doesn’t know what to make of TikTok. He would describe it as Vine’s Molly-addicted cousin based on its obsession with dancing, but the dances are so stationary that even that doesn’t seem quite right. The videos on the platform are also much more . . . bizarre. And some of them admittedly trigger a fight-or-flight response in him, to which he always chooses the third option of freezing if only so he can keep watching the train wreck unfold before his eyes.

The trouble with TikTok, he’ll admit to himself, is that it’s not as easy to find iconic content the same way he could with Vine. However, this isn’t to say that he hasn’t found anything worth watching over and over and over again . . .

(Let’s just say the “Wolf Pack Compilation” lives in his head rent-free, and he’s both too amused by it and too overwhelmed by its vibe to try and evict it.)

Dewey Finn

Dewey is . . . a special case. Given that he associates messy living and indulging in one’s pleasure a part of the rocker lifestyle, he’s generally quick to embrace whatever makes him happy. He’s very upfront about his interests and is arguably almost incapable of feeling shame. But it’s in there: Deep down. No, not in himself -- in his Spotify. Specifically, a Spotify account made on an email he never uses because it was made specifically to create this separate, uber secret playlist.

One marked “Actual Musical Bops.”

Dewey hates musicals: They’re cheesy, uninspired, gaudy, ridiculous, totally aimed at chicks with weird fantasies that he could never aspire to, and the music is just overall unimpressive. And yet, somehow, against his music elitist nature, a handful have managed to slip through the cracks. At the very least, a handful of numbers have clawed their way past his defenses and into his ear, where they now live rent-free.

In spite of his best efforts, the problems are that he’s a New Yorker, so it’s inevitable that he hears a song or two; and also that, as an instructor (to wealthy New York tweens whose families can afford frequent tripes to the Great White Way, no less), he’s definitely going to wind up hearing about some shows and their stand-out numbers: Against his will, he knows the lyrics to “My Shot”; he has cried in the secrecy of his apartment to “When I Grow Up”; in the never-necessary reason he needs to remember how many minutes there are in a year, he sings it inside his head; hell, he’s even found himself trying to figure out the electric guitar riff from “The Phantom of the Opera” during his down time.

What’s all the more embarrassing is that, given how he presents himself as a music elitist, there’s just no way he can come back from this if anyone were to know. He has to catch himself when he finds himself humming “Johanna” in the teacher’s lounge. He scowls at himself when he can’t sleep and gives in and starts playing “No One is Alone.” He wants to kick his thick ass every time he realizes he’s excited to have stumbled across a “slime tutorial” on YouTube, this one with better quality than the last. The reason he actually put a password on his phone wasn’t out of privacy like a sensible person would, but out of a need to make sure that no one ever found out that he had downloaded the entire Beetlejuice soundtrack, including jankily-recorded songs that never made it to the official cast recording for whatever reason!

And should anyone ever find out about any of this, Dewey has a plan: “Oh, I’m doing research. I’m studying these songs so I can give the kids a lesson on what not to do as actually competent musicians.”

But the lesson would never actually come. Mainly because he keeps prolonging his “research” . . .

He’s also developed a bit of a soft spot for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic due to some students gushing about it, but he would rather sooner die than ever be associated with the term “brony.”

Peter B. Parker

Peter is at a point where he’s too tired to really care about the idea of guilty pleasures. The way he sees it, there are bigger priorities at stake than worrying about someone finding out about your love of some hokey activity or food or form of entertainment.

Besides, he’s a New Yorker: There’s way weirder stuff for people to just not pay any real attention to. Hence why he thinks nothing of his bizarre eating habits. And no, this isn’t referring to his disastrous appetite: This is about his tendency to eat food with his hands. Foods that, well, he really should probably utilize eating utensils for.

To be fair, this habit has always existed in him in some form or another, especially since, as Spider-Man, he often needs to eat food on the go. But during the time he spent living the life of a depressed bachelor, it came out in full force. On the rare occasion he wasn’t eating a food that deserved to be eaten by hand, he often found himself loathing the idea of doing the dishes afterward. There would be days he’d feel only slightly less depressed; enough to make a box of Kraft Mac n Cheese in the pot, but not enough to avoid cutting out the middle man.

He’s thankful the craptastic apartment wasn’t also see-through because if it were, he’s positive his neighbors would’ve thought they were bearing witness to a man’s breakdown as he wept into a pot of macaroni and cheese, his hand full of the stuff, while wearing a Spider-Man costume. (And, to be fair, they actually would be.)

In addition to this, there were also those nights where he would be prepared to actually tuck in to a plate of spaghetti, only for some crime going on elsewhere in the city to drag him away. By the time he’d return, the plate would’ve been cold and his energy too depleted to want to even dream about cleaning more than he already had to.

The great news is that he’s thankfully done a 180, now able and willing (if begrudgingly) to clean up after himself. But bad news is that this feral man will still eat a fully-loaded baked potato like an apple. In a park. In front of women and children. He’s just too tired to care anymore. He’s aware of the guilt in this as a concept, but he’s also aware that he needs to take whatever happiness he can get out of whatever he does. And if that means eating everything by hand, then so be it!

Ahkmenrah

Funnily enough, Ahkmenrah doesn’t seem to experience much of any shame for enjoying the things most might feel the need to hide: He’s constantly curious and has missed out on a lot over the centuries, so why should he feel bad for wanting to indulge in them? Celebrity gossip is just a more fun version of the palace gossip he’d grown up hearing as a boy; reality TV is like watching a play, but with much more fights, less deaths, and more faulty romances; and sloppy meatball subs are like a feast for a man of his time!

Besides, he’s a king: Kings shouldn’t have to feel embarrassment over what the common folk might think.

And yet . . . It took some time, but eventually Ahkmenrah did experience it: Guilt in his pleasures.

He couldn’t even recall where it had all started. Maybe he was searching for more content to swallow after the most recent season of his new favorite show had ended? Whatever the case, he wound up biting off more than he could chew when he stumbled upon . . . fanfiction.

The adorable yet sad thing is that he didn’t even think anything of it at first. It wasn’t until he brought up a ship he’d invested his last few nights awake exploring on the computer: Nobody knew what the crap he was talking about, so of course he felt the need to explain it. But the more he talked, the more perplexed his friends looked. And the more he could feel his cheeks and ears burn.

Oh, he thought. Is this . . . embarrassment? Is that what this feels like? Oh, this is just foul.

Thankfully, nobody pressured him to keep talking about it, but the poor king sure as heck didn’t feel much of a desire to talk any further about it. But he needed to talk to somebody about his newly acquired “feels” as those online were calling them.

Joining fanfiction-oriented sites was the next obvious step, of course, but he’s experienced mixed feelings about it: On one hand, it’s nice to talk with people who share similar views and excitement about a fictional couple. But on the other, the digital wars that have broken out both disturb him and bring out the worst in him.

Like, of course there are bigger things to deal with than whether or not So-So is better off with Him-Ham, but if you truly think that Blah-Blah and Himhaw are a healthy relationship, then you can go do a service and bury yourself in the desert sands to provide substance to the hungry beetles with your flesh --

Suffice to say, a lot of the guilt in this pleasure seems to come from the fact that Ahk can get a little too emotionally invested if the work is really good. He tries to limit his interactions to commenting and praising certain works, and encouraging content creators. However, he’s also contemplated contributing his own pieces of fiction to the fandom . . .

[halseyhazzard]

The Redemption of Judee Sill

Halsey Hazzard, fall 2018

for a writing class on pop culture criticism “So much sensationalist bullshit has been written about Judee Sill (by people who never knew her) focusing on her days as a hooker and a junkie.” So begins Pat Thomas’s interview with Tommy Peltier, a longtime friend and collaborator of Sill’s, in the liner notes to the recently and lovingly compiled “Songs of Rapture and Redemption: Rarities & Live.” He’s not wrong; in nearly all of the writing on Sill, her music, an inimitable blend of gospel, folk and country at once bluesy and baroque, plays second fiddle to the stranger- and sadder-than-fiction story of her all-too-brief life. Her eponymous 1971 debut and 1973’s Heart Food were met with praise from critics and her fellow songwriters alike; in 1973 Steve Holden called Judee a “most gifted artist, one who continues to promise almost more than I dare hope for.” Unfortunately — for Sill and for those who loved her, and for those of us who love her music — much of that promise never came to pass. She died in obscurity in 1979, leaving behind an unfinished third record and quietly ascending to the pantheon of young, brilliant musicians who died too soon.

It’s hard to write about Sill without relying on sensationalist bullshit. I suppose in writing this at all I’m contributing to the problem, but like so many others, I have joined the ranks of Sill’s devoted disciples, compelled to tell and retell her story to rectify fate’s perceived cruel disservice to a great talent. What emerges is not always a faithful portrait of the complicated artist Sill was, but rather a shifting and sometimes contradictory fable that cements Sill’s status as a legend — not, as she might have hoped, as “an extremely famous or notorious person,” but rather as the subject of a “story sometimes popularly regarded as historical but unauthenticated.”

The story goes something like this: Judee Sill was born Judith Lynne Sill to an average, unhappy middle class household in Los Angeles in 1944. She fell in with a rough crowd, got married, committed a series of crimes, got addicted to various drugs, went to jail, got married again. Eventually she cleaned up her act, put the gospel licks she’d learned in reform school to good use, and became the first act signed to David Geffen’s Asylum label. She put out two albums of intricate songs that married earthly desire and longing for heavenly salvation, populated with lonely cowboy types and vigilantes that sometimes seemed strikingly similar to Jesus. For a few shining years it seemed like Sill had made it. It soon became clear (the story goes) that fame was not what fate had in store for her. Until 2003, when Rhino issued Judee Sill and Heart Food on CDs for the first time as part of its Handmade series, Sill was “[u]nlamented and all but forgotten.” These are the words of Barney Hoskyns, who in a 2004 Guardian profile declared “[t]he tragic Judee Sill is well overdue for (re)discovery.” Since then, interest in Sill’s life and music has steadily increased thanks to a series of posthumous reissues and releases: 2005’s “Dreams Come True,” a two-disk set of unreleased recordings mixed by Jim O’Rourke (Sonic Youth, Wilco); Live in London: The BBC Recordings 1972-1973, released in 2007; and “Chariot of Astral Light,” an intimate collaboration with aforementioned Tommy Peltier recorded in the ‘70s and finally released in 2004.

In a review of the 2004 Intervention reissue of Judee Sill titled “The Judee Sill Cult Continues, This Time at 45RPM,” Michael Fremer of Analogplanet writes, “sometimes "legends" are created and nurtured simply by tragic circumstances. In Judee Sill's case add wasted talent and unfulfilled great promise that add up to a movie worthy story.” Sill’s life has yet to inspire a movie (although a seemingly-deserted IMDB page indicates at least one attempt at a documentary), but songwriter Laura Veirs’ “Song for Judee,” renders the Judee Sill legend in sparse yet cinematic detail. In it, Veirs’ voice echoes on top of warm, jangling guitars, the apparently upbeat melody betrayed by the sadness of the story it tells:

“You wrote “The Kiss” and it is beautiful

I can listen again and again

You never really got a break

From the car wrecks and the pain”

The crux of the Judee Sill legend is captured in these lines, which immediately identify Sill’s work with the tragic events of her life. Sill’s music is mentioned in Veir’s lyric but once, and only glancingly; it’s not even clear “The Kiss” is a song, or “Judee” a songwriter. Veirs’ appreciation for her music is given is as pretext for why the listener should care about Sill’s life, but it’s clear the main attraction here is tragedy. The rest of this atypical ode is not praise, but a retelling, addressed to Sill herself, of key moments in the legend of her life. What emerges is a tellingly concise fable that identifies Sill with the lonely phantom cowboys who populate her lyrical landscape.

Veirs appears to have lifted her narrative and several phrases from the BBC documentary. She mines in particular the commentary from Peltier, who says Sill was his best friend and shares the insights that would come to compose Veirs’ chorus: “You loved the Sons of the Pioneers and the Hollywood cowboy stars/you were just trying to put a hand to where we are.” She also borrows, nearly word-for-word, an introduction Judee gave during one of her London radio performances in 1972, describing her time “living in a ‘55 Cadillac, five people sleeping in shifts.” This almost creates an intimacy with Sill, whom Veirs had never met; however, there remains an insurmountable distance. Sill had been dead 35 years — as long as she was alive — by the time this ode was composed. While Veirs hints at Sill’s troubles in the first verse, only in the last verse does she make explicit what happened: “They found you with a needle in your arm, beloved books strewn ‘round at your feet”. The revelation gives the chorus retroactive prophetic relevance. The past tense, once wistful, is now crushing.

Her death, like her life, became part of the legend. There are general points of agreement: she had been in several car accidents, was using heroin again, and died of an overdose just after Thanksgiving 1979. Everything else is less clear. Though her death certificate reports she was found dead in her house in North Hollywood, a persistent rumor suggested she had disappeared to Mexico to live out her final days. Her death was reported as a suicide, but family members and friends maintain that the note found near her, a characteristic musing on death and redemption, was an idea for a song.

The title of a 2014 BBC Radio documentary by Ruth Barnes says it all: “The Lost Genius of Judee Sill.” Sill’s genius is preceded by its lostness. Sill herself comes last. Her music is mentioned too, of course. They quote Sill’s self-description of her work as “country-cult-baroque” and her professed influences, Bach and Pythagoras. (In some versions of the quote, Ray Charles is thrown in.) Yet every time, it seems, someone brings up that she wrote “Jesus Was a Crossmaker,” about JD Souther, that Graham Nash produced it. She was the inaugural artist on David Geffen’s Asylum, we’re told, .She opened for Crosby Stills and Nash, and Cat Stevens, and Gordon Lightfoot — and so on. These revelations are usually accompanied by astonishment at the fact that she failed to find the commercial success of her peers, despite her comparable — perhaps superior — talents.

Many have offered explanations about how this happened. There is a general consensus that her falling-out with Geffen played a role. It’s not exactly clear what happened. The word “faggot” was involved, but whether it was said live or on the radio, in reference to Geffen himself or a pair of his pink shoes, is up for debate. Whatever she said severed their relationship. Some contend that she may have been in love with him, and was hurt when he spurned her advances. Others point out that she was growing frustrated with what she saw as his lack of promotion for her music. By this point, she was already making no secret of her disdain for the “snotty rock bands” she had to open for, and I doubt this did her any favors.

The contradictions in people’s stories exacerbate the larger-than-life quality of her life and times, as do the many cliches used to tell her story. Headlines variously declare her “a star that fame forgot,” “L.A.’s doomed lady of the canyon who lost her genius to drugs,” a “mystic” who “walked among us.” The human Judee Sill is lost somewhere beneath this sensationalism. It is no wonder why her friends and family members, Tommy Peltier chief among them, feel so compelled to set the record straight by providing their version of events. In his remarks in “Songs of Rapture and Redemption,” Peltier is quick to discourage speculation about her drug use and past prostitution, declaring instead “She was just the most beautiful person.”

“Beautiful,” you may recall, was the only word Laura Veirs could come up with to describe “The Kiss.” When I first heard “The Kiss,” I was immediately struck by how inadequate the word was to describe what I was hearing. The song showcases the best of her efforts to induce mathematically precise intervals into intricate melodies that aren’t so much heard as felt. Her lyrics, confusing the sacred and profane, ride the thin ridge between love and logic, devotion and desperation. Over shifting and plaintive piano Sill sings a eulogy to stars bursting in the sky and begs a lover — god? — to come and hold her “while you show me how to fly.” I first heard “The Kiss” in a YouTube video, one of few that survives of her performing, whose introduction insists that she herself was determined to be a successful musician. Ironically, the video shows precisely why perhaps she couldn’t be: severe and guileless, Sill hunches over the piano as if it were all that exists, engrossed in the song’s intense and uncommercial emotional intensity.

Sill’s idiosyncrasies are on full display in “Songs of Rapture and Redemption”, a compilation whose greatest strength is its commitment to capturing the artist and all her contradictions in her own words. The sleeve features a candid photograph of a smiling Sill, alongside several of her paintings and drawings. The tracks included are a combination of live recordings, demos, and studio outtakes that lay bare the deceptive complexity of her compositions. In the Boston Music Hall performance that opens the record, Sill, armed only with an acoustic guitar, tells the audience “I’m going to sing you a few little songs before David [Crosby] and Graham [Nash] get here. I’d like to sing you this song called “The Vigilante”. It’s new, I hope I remember the words.” The self-effacing introduction notwithstanding, what follows is nothing short of revelatory.

An early highlight is “Enchanted Sky Machines,” a bluesy number about waiting for the end of the world where she trades her distinctive fingerpicking for pentecostal piano licks she picked up in reform school. There is an aching earnestness to the way she sings of swallowing her yearning, and it carries over into “The Archetypal Man,” which begins with Sill singing the song’s opening harpsichord solo. Before “Crayon Angels,” she describes how she would call up friends as she was writing the album and sing them instrumental solos, joking that it must have been hard for them to like her in those days. The crowd is in on it, and her self-deprecating humor belies a clear confidence in her talents and her musical vision that is justified by the virtuosic grace of her playing. Sill was a perfectionist who demanded and deserved creative control, a notoriously laborious songwriter who could be a tyrant in the studio, and these tendencies are on full display even in this humble solo set. When she introduces her second last song, “The Lamb Ran Away With the Crown,” she enunciates every word, then repeats it again — ”with. the. crown.” — determined to ensure the the audience walks away knowing exactly what she was saying.

The set ends with Judee’s signature song, “Jesus Was a Crossmaker,” which had only just been released to radio two days prior. She calmly reveals the song’s inspiration, an unhappy relationship with a “bandit and a heartbreaker,” and describes waking up one day with the conviction “that even that wretched bastard was not beyond redemption.” Her diction is clear, her tone less so. The audience, nonetheless moved, cheers and laughs. She goes on: “It’s true, I swear. It saved me, this song. It was writing this song or suicide. It’s called “Jesus is a Crossmaker” and I hope you like it.” Her voice seems monotonous for such an emotional confession, but that stops mattering as soon as the song begins.

Instantly her singing voice, freed from the perfectionism of her studio recordings, reveals itself as strikingly human. Precise, unadorned, free of vibrato, it is flat in places, sharp in others, yet cuts to the rhythmic core of each note. She struggles with a few of the intervals she has given herself to sing, but this only enhances the song, giving human voice to the mathematical precision of her compositions, linking the downtrodden with the divine. With her unpretentious voice and deceptively simple language, she strives to speak redemption into being. Her longing for it is audible.

Such longing is a key theme in much of sill’s work, and nowhere is it more pronounced than in “Crayon Angels”:

Crayon Angel songs are slightly out of tune

But I'm sure I'm not to blame

Nothing's happened, but I think it will soon

So I sit here waiting for God and a train to the Astral plane

Later in the song, she confesses “Guess reality is not as it seems so I sit here hoping for truth, and a ride to the other side”. Sill knows the truth she longs for is unattainable, at least in this lifetime — but she remains unflagging in her belief in something. It is this belief that motivates her music. To characterize Sill as a god-given genius laid low by fate undercuts her formidable musical ambition, and the sincerity with which she approached her craft. The work she created was not purely inspired by the divine, but instead strove for it, confronting the inevitable impossibility of reaching perfection with the all-too-human drive for beauty in the face of death. Still, one gets the sense that Sill herself, enthralled as she was with cowboy stories and cosmic secrets, might appreciate the mythic proportions her life story has taken. I like to think that she’s made it to the Astral plane, and that wherever she is, she’s smiling.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

The Rescue, Part 3

I finally got the final part of the Rescue edited and ready to post! This is the third and final part of the series on how Danny and Nate got out of the cabin in Canada. Please read The Rescue, Part One and The Rescue, Part Two for context and to maybe have a refresh! 

CW: STRONG dissociation (it’s a main theme of this piece and is vividly described), references to noncon and torture. Muzzling. 

@whump-it, @finder-of-rings, @bleeding-demon-teeth, @spiffythespook, @burtlederp, @whumpywhumper, @18-toe-beans, @pumpkinthefangirl, @special-spicy-chicken, @whale-whumps, @swordkallya

The Rescue Part One || The Rescue Part Two

Nate Vandrum had a plan, but it took him most of a month after the day he was allowed to bring Danny back up from the dog kennel in the cellar to figure out where Bram hid the drugs.

Once he found them - in a small wooden box under a loose floorboard in the back of the bedroom closet, a place Nate and Danny never went because it was where Bram kept all his things that caused pain or worse - he began to pinch, just a little at a time, from each little bottle or bag.

Ketamine, ecstasy, rohypnol - this and that, the things Bram used sometimes when he wanted Danny to be fucked up and foggy for days, or affectionate and touchy, or just to knock him out. He didn’t use them any longer - Danny with the thing on his face day in and day out was obedient and blank-faced, an empty body that breathed and ate and moved in the bed, did as it was told and nothing more.

Danny was someone else, twenty-four hours a day, and Nate had waited too long trying to find the courage to save him but he wasn’t going to wait much longer. It was already becoming clearer every day that he was running out of time entirely before Danny was gone and didn’t come back.

By mid-November, the leaves had long since changed and fallen off the trees - the ground already hard and frozen - and he had all of it he would need. A mix of powder and crushed-up pills, every fucking drug Bram kept here. Not enough missing from any one stash that it would be obvious, but hopefully enough to buy Nate some time.

He has a plan. He would wait until mid-December, and he had one month to have everything ready.

He had his own hiding places, spots Bram didn’t know about because Nate had never had anything really worthwhile to hide. Danny never spoke any longer so he couldn’t tell on him - and Bram couldn’t see everything, could he?

Sometimes, Nate thought he could read minds. This time, Bram never showed a single sign that he knew Nate was up to anything at all.

After midnight, Nate would sneak out, put on a movie like in the days before. He moved Danny onto the couch where he would stare, blank-eyed, at a screen he didn't ever seem to really see. Sometimes he sat with him, rubbing at the places where the thing hurt the most, trying to calm the pain in his jaw for as long as he could.

Every time he touched along the edge of the muzzle, Danny would lean hard into the touch, using the pressure of Nate’s thumbs to soothe himself, all with those empty eyes, with all the core of Danny absent and only the body left behind. This Danny did not feel pain or fear unless he was actively being hurt. This Danny only sat where he was placed, cooked meals, made drinks - all of it with nothing behind his eyes.

With each passing week, that initial burst of rage on Danny's behalf cooled in Nate, set and hardened into a hatred that overrode every ounce of love Bram had forced him to feel. 

What had been a forest fire became coal. What had been coal became a diamond

Bram could not see it.

Nate wanted Danny back, and watching him drift like a ghost doing whatever he was told had eaten away at him, day by day, until all that was left was the determination to get him the fuck out of here.

The mix of drugs, a handwritten note with all the directions he could remember Bram turning when he drive into town (left, straight for a long time - counted to 200 at least three times, turn right, more straight, turn left after counting to 75, left again after count to 50), a match here and there - Nate squirreled it all away, bit by bit, in the bookshelf behind his collection of leather bound Tolkein - a gift from Bram after one supply run, one of the most wonderful things the monster had ever given him. He didn’t dare to hollow anything out - he loved these books, that felt like sacrilege - but he slid little things here and there behind them, his black-handled knife with the silver stag engraving down into the loosening spine of the Silmarillion, and if he was careful, no one saw him but Danny.

Danny, still trapped in silence inside his own head, didn’t even seem to notice, not even when he was staring directly at him as he did it. He knelt on his mat, quiet and dazed, his eyes following Nate’s movements with a total absence of comprehension.

It was the eyes that drove Nate on, those empty fucking eyes. Bram never took the fucking thing off, and Danny - funny and sarcastic and kind of sweet Danny, who he'd taught four kinds of dance by now and who could do all the lines to Casablanca and who sometimes hummed music he remembered while he scrubbed the floors - never came back.

Even Red, nervous and eager-to-please and always trying harder, trying to be so good, didn’t come back. Watching a muzzled Danny move was like witnessing a walking corpse searching for a grave to fall into, simply waiting for permission to decay.

In October and November the leaves went bright and brilliant and then fell just as rapidly, the nights cooled and then shifted to icy winter, and Bram spent his days outside preparing for the snows that would all but shut them in here until spring. He knew something was different, he had to, but Nate smiled and stuttered said I love you and was everything he wanted in bed and did everything just right to hide the chorus of I'm going to save him, you fucking bastard that sang inside his head.

Nate took his chances when he had them, and he was careful. He asked for a book he remembered, and Bram brought it back to him and never even looked through it.

Which was good, since it was a book with a very detailed description on how to hotwire a car.

Although in the end he didn't expect to need that, Nate wanted a backup plan. You always had to have a backup plan. Bram had said it all the time -and Nate had learned every lesson either Bram or Ashley had to teach.

He knew how to steal, and kill, and bury the bodies, and he knew how to be a fucking monster, too, now.

Once he had everything, he waited until Abraham needed to use some old machinery and came back from a supply run with an extra four full canisters of gasoline more than he usually kept on-hand for trips to town.

He only needed one to fill the tank for the truck, just to get them to the nearest town with a police station.

The other three…

Well.

Nate settled in to wait. He was the perfect black-haired prince, Abraham Denner’s true love. He was everything Bram could ever have wanted him to be. And while he was all of those things, he watched the actual man he loved kneel, empty and broken, on the floor and eat scraps from Bram’s hands... and he planned a murder.

***

“I came back awake when he was ready to go,” Danny told Ryan, one night when he couldn't sleep. They were sitting at the kitchen table - Ryan had asked him to sit in a chair - and Danny let his fingertips trace a pattern in the woodgrain, little squiggly symbols that could have meant anything, or nothing, or everything.

Nate was still asleep, and part of Danny wanted to curl up on the floor and be there with him, maybe ask to earn the bed so he could sleep right next to Nate, but he didn't have to do that anymore - and when he asked to earn the bed, the sadness in Nate’s eyes hurt to see.

I'll sleep on the couch, Nate said almost every night, and every night Danny said, no, stay with me.

Nate stayed.

“What do you mean?” Ryan tilted his head, watching him with the soft honey eyes Danny had never forgotten, never stopped dreaming about. Here, and real now, and Danny always smiled a little bit every morning when he got to see Ryan again.

“When Nate got me into the truck, he took, uh, he took it off,” Danny said, rubbing at the bridge of his nose absently, soothing a phantom pain there. “He took it off my face. The first thing I remember is turning to look and he was throwing it into the cabin and the cabin was on fire.”

“On fire? The cabin was on fire when you woke up?” Ryan's eyes were wide.

“Yes. Before that, I was, um… I was gone, still.”

Someone else had been in the body for months. It wasn’t Danny - it was some distant thing that moved his limbs and ate the food it was given, but it wasn’t Danny in there. It wasn’t Danny in control the night that Nate set a fire.

No, someone else had knelt like a good dog with its head in Abraham’s lap, took scraps of food straight from his fingers with the muzzle off just long enough for dinner - not quite long enough for Danny to try and come back. Someone else had taken the constant movement of cold hands with grateful whines and whimpers for the affection.

Someone else stayed kneeling, not noticing its feet going steadily numb, as the two voices that made up its entire world chatted and talked. There were sounds, in the bedroom, while someone else sat on the mat and thought about nothing at all.

Then there was, for a while, silence.

Someone else heard the sounds of scraping and rustling and thumping and ignored them. Sounds meant nothing to dead bodies and that's all it was, now. A dead body that still, inexplicably, kept breathing and eating and hurting on command.

This other person, wearing Danny’s face behind the muzzle, stayed still as one of the others walked back and forth, pulling things from bookshelves and talking to himself. Someone else was very, very good and had been told to go to the mat, and so someone else stayed there.

Someone else tried very, very hard, and was very, very good and did not notice the heavy scrape of a sleeping body dragged outside, the thunk of the cellar doors pulled open. The time that passed as someone else sat alone in the cabin.

Danny Michaelson was far, far away, letting the other person live uncomplainingly without a voice while within himself, he never stopped screaming.

Someone else registered, as though through a distant fog, a voice that told them it was almost time to go. That someone else stared dumbly down at their ankle as hands unlocked the chain that tied the body to the wall - the body was chained again, because otherwise someone else would get up and walk around sometimes at night and it bothered Abraham to see it - and someone else thought, I will be ordered into the bed now.

That person raised hands to touch the hips of the one who would hurt them, only to have their hands gently pushed down and away, cupped their face around the muzzle, pressed it just a little at the jaw where it felt so good, it felt so soothing, and someone else closed their eyes and whined, deep in their throat.

"H-Hate that sound. We'll g-g-g-get the last b-bit off later," A deep voice said.

Someone else knew the voice, and moved towards its sound instinctively. The deep voice came with soothing touch, gentle words, no pain. Someone else wanted more of that voice. "We n-n-n-need help to g, to get the ankle cuff off. Th-the cops will help, I'm s-sure. Good th-th-thing it's been raining all month so the forest w-w-won't burn, too.”

Someone else did not care about the forest, but only about the hands attached to the soft voice, the good voice, the voice that did not hurt. The warm forehead that pressed lightly to its own. The thing that wore Danny’s face tried to put their hands up to the metal grid still locked in place and stopped, an inch away. Never touch the fucking muzzle, Red.

Someone else made a pleading sound, someone else begged without words in an animal's whine, take it off, I'll be good now, please take it off.

"Ssshhhhh, once we get out of there," The good deep voice said, and it didn't stammer at all. "The k-key to the lock on the b-b-back is in his truck. I've g-got you now, just trust me, okay?" The voice wasn't afraid, and it seemed like a good voice. It was his favorite voice.

Someone else relaxed.

It trusted the voice.

***

“I don't understand what any of that means,” Ryan frowned, putting his hands up over his face, as Danny tried to talk his way through it. “You were there, the someone else was you. Why do you keep saying it like that?”

He only shook his head. “Dr. Rosa calls it dissociation,” he said. “It's normal. She says it's normal, that- that I'm not… I'm not broken because of it, and it could take a long time to stop-”

“It's okay,” Ryan said, and reached out to grab his hand. Danny's skin still crawled at any touch he hadn't asked for, but he didn’t pull away. It seemed to make Ryan feel better, anyway. It made Danny feel disgusting, like a thing anyone could touch whenever they wanted. You can make my body do whatever you want. “You're okay. I'm sorry, I pushed when I didn't mean to. Keep talking. I want to know everything.”

Danny nodded, slowly, and took a deep breath.

***

Someone else had taken the offered hand and stood, walked with a slow, stumbling gait through the kitchen and out the door. Someone else shivered in the frigid air, until the owner of the voice slid a heavy woolen coat over their shoulders, clad only in a thin, torn-up T-shirt and even thinner pajama pants.

“S-Sorry, I forgot to g-grab a sweater, and it’s k-k-kind too late, now.”

Someone else wrinkled their nose at the smell of gasoline, overpowering and heavy, that filled the air and floated around, settled deep in their lungs. Someone else was led to Abraham's truck and put inside. Someone else listened to sounds they did not recognize. Someone else smelled the smoke.

Red hair, already long and shaggy because it was winter and Abraham liked his hair better long in winter, fell over empty blue eyes as someone else curled up against the early shivers that came with the frigid cold, pulled the wool coat more tightly around themselves, buried their body in it as best they could.

Someone else heard the driver side door open and close.

Green eyes met theirs, and someone else blinked, and for one moment Danny looked up at Nate and the strange, stricken expression on his face. Eyes wide, and his hair was mussed-up and messy, and he was wearing his sweater inside-out. He smelled like gasoline, too. Then Danny tried to speak, and felt the harsh bite of the muzzle cutting deeply into his jaw, and Danny slipped back away.

Someone else thought, puppies aren’t allowed in the truck. Puppies don’t go to town.

"I d-d-did it," Nate said softly, his voice shaking.

Did what?

Someone else had been dimly aware of a hand sliding around behind their head, the click of the key in the lock and the thump as the little lock dropped onto the floorboards.

Danny’s heart jumped at the sound of the lock falling. Someone else felt less, as Danny felt more.

Warm, loving hands were undoing the buckle that was always too tight. He felt the sudden lift of the pressure and pain that had become all he ever felt anymore, winced at the sting of fresh air against skin, the trickle of fresh blood as removing the muzzle pulled wounds back open that had been trying like hell to heal around it.

He watched - Danny watched - as Nate got back out of the truck, holding the muzzle by the straps in his good hand, his jaw set in a grim line.

The cabin was on fire.

Flames licked orange somewhere inside the living room, and Danny could see straight through the kitchen door to where the fire was racing along the lines of gasoline that had been splashed around. Smoke poured upwards into the sky, the opposite of the rainstorms Danny had been locked out in so many times. The big doors to the cellar were flung open, and Danny looked carefully away from the darkness there and back at the brightly shifting, dancing light that lit the clearing with a sickly glow.

He watched Nate walk with purpose close enough that he must feel the heat trying to push him back and throw the metal and leather muzzle as hard as he could through the open kitchen door, where it thumped to the ground and then skidded along to a spot where the flames lit the inside of the cabin so brightly Danny’s eyes couldn’t bear to look.

The muzzle was gone.

Danny went away again. He didn’t know for how long. He came back to someone shaking him. He heard Nate’s voice, low and worried, soft against his ear. He was whispering, "Pl-please, please, I wasn’t too late, I w-w-wasn’t, please, please come b-back to me, D-Danny, please…”

He remembered shaking his head, still far away, because it had hurt to come back, he didn't want to any longer. His jaw throbbed, his nose ached, there were spots across his body that lit up with new pains when Danny stepped back up to feel them. Then Nate's hand slid up around his jaw, cool fingers over the cuts that burned hot, and Nate's mouth was on his, and Danny… felt.

Warm, and soft and desperate, tasting lightly of the whiskey they’d been drinking, he and Abraham. Danny opened his mouth for Nate, because that was what you did - but it wasn't like before, this was different, and he closed his eyes, hesitantly kissing back.

"Oh th-th-thank Christ. W-Wake up," Nate begged, in a voice ragged and hoarse and half-gone from breathing in the smoke. "Pl-please, please wake up, there h-has to be something l-left of you to s-s-save, Red, please, please t-t-tell me I wasn’t too late, pl-please..."

"W-we're not allowed in the truck without Abraham," Danny said hoarsely, his disused voice like gravel in a sore throat. Freed from the metal grid, his skin ached. Burned and bled in the cold air. "You'll get in trouble."

Nate laughed, a half-crazed sound of relief, and turned with wide, white-rimmed green eyes to start up the truck. "F-fuck trouble, Danny.  I got you out, I did it, we did it."

"You're not allowed to touch the keys," Danny said, almost plaintively, but it was sinking in, and his eyes were starting to widen. "Wh-where's Abraham? He's, Nate- he's going to be so mad when he finds us in the truck-"

"He w-w-won't care about th-that now," Nate said, voice firm and steady. "He d-d-doesn't give a shit about anything right now, Red. I hope he fucking chokes on his g-g-goddamn lying t-t-tongue.”

Nate shifted gears, and the truck roared to life as they jerked forwards and began to move down the gravel-lined dirt tracks through the woods.

“I'm getting us the f-f-fuck out of h, here."

***

“Where was Abraham? What happened?” Ryan had let go of his hand but Danny still felt the touch like spiderlegs and he pulled his hand back to himself, looking down at the tracks of scars along his veins, swallowing against the panic that threatened around the edges of his mind when people touched him.

“Nate gave him ketamine,” Danny said, and felt himself starting, slowly, to smile at the thought. “And some, um, some other stuff. “Got him too high to move and chained him to a bar Abraham had in the ceiling for-... for me, and left him to, um… to die.”

“Chained him…?”

“Handcuff Year.” Ryan winced, the memory of that conversation its own special torture. That first Christmas, Nate staring with an awful, resigned look of familiarity at the leather and metal cuffs in the box Danny had opened. “Nate found them and he… he tied Abraham up in the cellar with them to die.”

“But he didn't die. He's, he's on trial.”

“No, he didn’t. He was still… still alive when they found him, not even burned. Just smoke inhalation.”

Ryan whistled. “Lucky son of a bitch.”

“Blessed,” Danny corrected nervously, and watched Ryan's answering blank stare with a spike of guilt for not being better already. “His, um, he served a, a god, he said. We were blessed he loved us.”

“He was a fucking lunatic if he told you that bullshit. He didn't love you.”

“No.” Danny frowned down at the table. “You're right. Not me. He loved Nate.” And Nate had loved him back, right up until he didn't any longer.

Right up until he had to choose between them.

***

Danny and Nate drove away in the truck, and Danny saw the woods around him for the first time in months.

Had they always been so pretty? All the leaves were gone by now, bare branches everywhere reaching fingerlike towards them across the dirt path to the real road. There had been snow, but it had mostly melted with some sunny days while someone else sat outside in the thin, weak sunlight soaking up whatever it had to give, muzzled face tilted up to catch the warmth.

"Do you, um, know where we're going?" He asked, and hissed as his face hurt, his jaw too long held shut to keep speaking so easily again. His voice still sounded so weird, like he wasn’t meant to have one, and he barely managed to speak above a whisper.

"No," Nate said, and shrugged. "Other than we t-turn left and then there are s-s-signs. We'll find c-cops when we get to town."

He drove with one hand and reached the other out. Danny took it, and it was something solid, and real, something that anchored him to this side of his head and not the side that just went away.

Behind them, the cabin burned, a pretty orange glow against the pitch-black night sky.

When they made it to the road, Nate sat for a second, letting the truck's engine rumble as he and Danny looked at real, honest to God pavement.

Danny hadn't seen a road in four years.

"Red."

He turned, and Nate was looking at him, intensity in his face. Danny shrank away from it - expressions like that never boded well. "What?"

"N-No one's g-g-going to do th-that to you eh, ever again. Ever. Again. G-Got it?"

Danny nodded, slowly, but he wasn't sure he believed it yet. Not until Nate smiled, slow and a little shy, the way he used to smile before Abraham brought them here, and kissed one of the scars on the back of his hand.

"H-Here we go," Nate said, and turned the truck onto the road, the two of them driving away from the burning cabin to find a town, a police station, and hope.

***

“So by the time we got to town and the cops went back, everything burned down, but they found Abraham in the cellar, still alive. They found, uh, a lot of the… the things he used on us, too. They found the… for my face.” Danny shuddered, a little, phantom aches breaking out like a line of fire along the scars. “The leather burned a little but the metal part…”

“You don't have to talk about that. What about the bird?”

Danny blinked at Ryan's question.

“The bird?”

“The, the raven thing up on the wall. That you threw the beer bottle at. What happened to it? Did it burn?”

“No. Yes. Maybe.” Danny's heart skipped, just thinking of its pink eyes and empty dead glare, the way it seemed like it was always staring at him from its perch above the doorframe. “Nate said it wasn't in the house. The cops s-said they never found any sign of it, either.”

Sometimes he was sure he'd look out his window and see it staring back in at him, with that look in its eyes, waiting for him to go somewhere - anywhere - alone. Which was why Danny never did. He stayed with Ryan, or Nate, and he never, ever was alone.

On the worst Red days, Danny tried to come up with a plan for what he would do if Abraham came for him - even though Nate and Ryan told him nobody walks out of a maximum security prison.

It didn’t really matter.

Abraham would come back for him, eventually, and even if Danny didn’t want to think about it, Red knew.

Danny kept a notebook in the closet, and he wrote down everything he could think of, and he tried to make a plan for just in case, because he had been someone else for nearly half a year and he never, ever wanted to be someone else again.

When he was scared, at night, he curled into a ball next to Nate in the bed and he closed his eyes and dreamed about the rumble of the truck, Nate’s warm hand grasped so tightly onto his - the softness and ferocity in the kiss that brought him back to life…

And he dreamed of a cabin on fire.

[regeek]

Essay of the North: Dragons, Masks, Ghosts, and Despair

Welcome to the next part of my essay about the Four Sister guardians. This one actually focuses on the sister guardians as individual characters. The thing that first drew me to these four characters as a subject matter is how thematically relevant they are to each book. In my opinion, each of the four books in the third Deltora Quest series has a central theme: in Dragon’s Nest it is dragons, in Shadowgate it is masks, in Isle of the Dead it is ghosts, and in Sister of the South it’s despair. Each of the guardians does a lot to tie these themes together, and each can be seen as sort of an embodiment of that theme, at least of the darker aspects of it. Another interesting thing that ties each of the sister guardians together is that each is a reference to another character in mythology or fiction, so I’ll talk about that here. The guardians are all beings of decay and subversion, so each is a subversion of some classical cultural archetype. Each of these characters, by being so thematically significant, help set apart the third series of Deltora books as a more powerful, resonant story than most youth fantasy stories. 

First let’s start with Rolf the Capricorn. He is the antagonist of Dragon’s Nest, the start of the series. The main theme of Dragon’s Nest is the dragons themselves, and the crux of the story is Lief struggling with understanding these ferocious and powerful creatures. At the start of the story few in Deltora understood the dragons and their role in the ecosystem, so Lief has to learn if he can trust them as he embarks on a quest where they play an integral role. The dragons represent the harsh but important aspects of the natural world. From a distance they seem like dangerous monsters, but are actually vital parts of the environment in Deltora and must be respected. Although people fear them, they are actually keeping Deltora safe and balanced. The first test Lief faces in this series is reconnecting with the dragons and earning their trust.

Rolf is the embodiment of distrust and fear of dragons. Like the dragons, he is the remnant of a long-gone part of Deltora’s history, but not a part that should be brought back. His people are the biggest victims of the dragon’s rage, an entire society laid to waste by their fury. However, the fate of Capra is not what it seemed. In actuality the Capricorns were driving the dragons to extinction, and their obsession with beauty and artifice led to their destruction. They are a warning to the people of Deltora, an example of what will happen if they do not coexist with nature. But Rolf has nothing but resentment for dragon’s and all they represent. He has no interest in the modern state of Deltora, obsessed with a past that will never come back. He is deeply xenophobic, not just towards dragons but to all non-Capricorns. He would rather see the nation destroyed than integrate with it, helping the Shadow Lord doom Deltora to the same fate as Capra.

 Fittingly, he takes the form of a false dragon. His appearance is described as hideous, like something our of a fever dream. He represents everything people feared about dragons, with none of their natural beauty. He seeks to exploit people’s reservations about working with dragons, making Lief question whether he can count these mysterious beasts as allies in his quest. His ultimate goal was to make it appear that the Ruby Dragon had joined the Shadow Lord as the guardian of the Sister of the East. Every step of the Shadow Lord’s plan with the Sisters was to convince the King of Deltora to abandon his quest. In this case to stop the quest before it even started, he cast doubt on the ability to work with the dragons at all. Rolf’s role in the plan was to drive Lief to abandon Deltora to the same fate that befell Capra. 

Rolf is obviously based on a satyr form Greek mythology. He can be seen as a dark mirror to Pan, the greek god of nature. Pan was a being of music and sexuality, an amusing contrast to Rolf’s cowardly, pathetic persona. Over time Pan came to be associated with Pagan and Satanic beliefs, fitting given that Rolf is not what he appears to be. Rolf can also be seen as a parody of Mr. Tumnus from the Chronicles of Narnia. Mr. Tumnus was a faun encountered very early by the protagonists, and was a helpful guide for them. Lief and his companions also encounter Rolf pretty early in their adventure, but he is far from helpful. Although Rolf bears a physical resemblance to various goat-men throughout history, his personality and goals are the opposite of almost all of them.

The next guardian is Kirsten of Shadowgate, also known as the Masked One. Masks are the central motif of Shadowgate, with various types of masks being used by different characters for different reasons. Masks are used to hide your real identity with a new one of your own creation. The Masked Ones use their masks to turn on their old identities and create a new one for their new society. Laughing Jack can be thought of as wearing a mask in the form of his fake persona. Lief struggles with having masks placed on him against his will, overriding his own identity. Lief is shown for the first time a possible other life, one without the responsibilities and hardship of being the king, but with nor personal freedom. 

It starts off with his physical resemblance to Bede, which drives Bess to force him to take the place of her son. At first Bess’s projection of Lief begins simple enough, making him learn to sing like her son did. Lief is too kind to turn her down, and finds himself being drawn deeper and deeper into the Masked Ones. This culminates in him having a mask literally forced onto his face, and he has to tear it off to regain his own identity. The result is a horrifying experience for him in which he briefly loses his mind, and ends with him scarring his face. These scars are a reminder of his experience, and also serve as a permanent physical distinction between him and Bede. 

The book is structured to make you think Bede is going to be the antagonist, serving as a dark reflection of Lief. However, Bede is revealed to be a victim of the real villain, Kirsten. A character barely mentioned earlier, who nobody in the story thinks very much about, is the one behind everything. Kirsten is interesting among Deltora antagonists in that she begins affecting the plot very early on. Long before the heroes find her or even know of her existence she is pulling strings to drive the plot. The obstacle Lief must destroy in this story is not a reflection of his own identity, but someone who has removed their own identity completely. There are many masks in Shadowgate, but none as elaborate as Kirsten’s. 

From what we know of Kirsten’s past, it sounds like she spent a lot of life being overlooked by others. Despite being beautiful, her face was paid attention to, so she created a new one. However, Kirsten is different from the rest of the characters in that both of her identities are “masks” and in her double life both of her personas are artificial. Her phantom is the embodiment of her allegiance to the Shadow Lord, a mask that moves on its own. The Masked One is a projection of her power and rage without having to reveal her true self to anyone. Her victims get no insight into the person killing them. She twists the culture of the man who rejected her, taking the form of a mask with nothing beneath it. But the version of Kirsten Lief and the others meet in the castle is also a “mask.” Its how she sees herself and wishes to be seen by others, but is just as fake as her phantom. Her external beauty disguises her horrific nature, and she forces Bede to live in her pretend reality with her. Her castle is an extension of this illusive reality, a world under her control that disappears upon her death. Appropriately she has reduced the other object of her rage, he sister, to nothing but a face by trapping her in a locket. Mariette no longer has a physical presence in the world, but still has all the things Kirsten will never have. 

It is hard to look at Shadowgate and not see the influence of the Phantom of the Opera. The Masked One bears a physical resemblance to the Phantom, and murders performers to keep imprisoned a beautiful singer. Kirsten is a twist on character of Erik, wearing the physical appearance of Christine but performing the horrific action of the Phantom. Piecing together her identity is a key part of the plot, though the protagonists do not realize there even is a mystery until the end. The Masked One does not hide the image of a face burned by acid, but that of a beautiful women. Amusingly, Lief’s journey in this novel can be compared to Christine’s. Like her he is tutored in signing by a charismatic but untrustworthy figure in a mask, and he ends up with facial scarring like Erik. Also, while singing is used in Phantom of the Opera to communicate and empathize with the Phantom, in Shadowgate it is used to transmit coded warnings about the villain.

Isle of the Dead is about ghosts, the various ways in which the dead and action of the past still haunt us in the present. The most literal example of the ghosts of the past is Verity, and actual ghost keeping record of dark deeds past. Laughing Jack is on the run from the ghosts of his past, literally and figuratively. He can even be thought of as the “ghost” of James Gant, an identity left behind by a man who still wanders the world in search of something. Bone Point and the Lady Luck are places forever haunted by the dark memories of what happened there, showing Lief and the others a recording of it they cannot interact with. Lief and Barda free themselves from the Lady Luck by “correcting” the events of the past, and their battle with the Sister of the West requires they put together various other ghosts, like Verity’s memories, Doran the Dragonlover, and the Diamond Dragon. 

In Isle of the Dead time is portrayed as all-consuming and unforgiving, and the effect of entropy on this story makes the protagonists feel like they are becoming ghosts too. The Sleeping Dunes show how a moment of passivity can lead to you being erased from history and forgotten, like the Amethyst Dragon was for years. Blood Lily Island shows how the passage of time can slowly destroy you. The island looks harmless but it slowly kills you without you even noticing (Rodda thought she could slip a little metaphor for despair past me here too- not on my watch!) Even the mighty dragons are shown to be vulnerable to the power of eternity, with Veritas being trapped by the Sleeping Dunes and the Diamond Dragon being stripped to bones by fleshbanes, which grew to great numbers during her sleep. The Lady Luck shows how you can’t escape the past or the passage of time. Its’ victims were doomed to eventually lose more than they can afford, and its pursuit of Lief and Jack makes them literally unable to run from the past forever. Isle of the Dead is a book concerned with eternity, how the passage of time destroys but also preserves people and ideas.

Doran is not quite a ghost as he is more undying than undead. He has guided Lief and the others through most of their adventures, and the memory of his actions is a great tool for them. However, each time they encounter someone who remembers Doran, they explain that he is long dead and the world he live din has changed. But Doran has been here the whole time, a final taunt from the Shadow Lord. In order to complete his life’s work, he must be destroyed by those he inspired. Doran’s actions are great allies to the king of Deltora, but the man himself is turned into an obstacle. The purpose of this design was to discourage anyone trying to destroy the Sisters, making them feel like they had to destroy their own history and what they hold dear. 

But there is another “ghost” which provides Lief the opportunity to triumph over this challenge: the baby Diamond Dragon. Named after her mother, she shows how the legacy of the past is transferred down to new generations. Discovered on her mother’s bones, she is a glimmer of hope in a quest that seemed doomed. She shows that even as the heroes and icons of the past fades away, their legacy lives on in new generations. Just as Forta carries on the legacy of the Diamond Dragons, Lief carries on the work of Doran. The discovery of Forta allows Lief to beat the Shadow Lord’s trap. Doran’s last moments are of hope, not despair. He was meant to create depression about the past, but his death is a moment of hope for the future. 

The revelation of Doran as the guardian of the Sister of the West is a shocking one, a twist on the usual pattern of these books having a battle with a big creature at the end. But those familiar with Arthurian lore perhaps should have seen it coming. Doran is an example of the Fisher King archetype. Many versions of the Fisher King appear in the tales of King Arthur, and many modern fantasy tales that follow the structure of those stories use a similar character. The Knight of the Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is an example, and Azor performs a similar role in the Ixalan story for Magic: The Gathering. The Fisher King is the final guardian of the Holy Grail, a spiritual and mental challenge after a gauntlet of physical one. The Fisher King is a king who possesses the Holy Grail, but has been cursed by the eternal life it provides. The Fisher King is kept in an immortal but crippled state, forced to watch the land around him with as he lacks the strength to protect it. To retrieve the Grail Percival must let the Fisher King pass away and rest by proving he can protect his kingdom for future generations. Lief does a similar thing by revealing Forta to Doran and letting him finally rest knowing their is hope for the future of Deltora. 

Sister of the South is a story about despair, a theme that has been running through the previous novels but takes center stage at the end. Lief’s journey in series three has slowly been eroding his faith that he can protect Deltora and be a good king. The final Sister is the ultimate challenge to his confidence, and the final phase of the Shadow Lord’s plan is to make his believe there is no way he can win. The endgame is to create a scenario where the land is condemned to die one way or the other. But to build up to that dilemma is a series of challenges to Lief’s optimism, both in his belief that Deltora can be saved and whether it even should. The Shadow Lord does this by guarding the last Sister with an embodiment of Deltora itself, manifesting the cultural flaws of the land into a plot to destroy the kingdom from within. 

How fitting it is that after battling all sorts of hideous monsters, the last battle for the fate of Deltora is against a common citizen. The story of Deltora began when the Shadow Lord exploited the societal weaknesses of the city of Del to seize power, and the climax involves history repeating itself, raising the question if Deltora will ever be strong enough to oppose the Shadow Lord. Paff is the ultimate test of Lief’s abilities as king, challenging him not as an adventurer but as a politician. She turns the citizens of Del into her own weapon, presenting them with a threat their king cannot protect him from and drives them to seek shelter in paranoia and ethnic tension. Lief is forced to question his abilities as king when that question is being posed by his own citizens. And of course Paff herself is a citizen of Deltora too, representing all of Lief’s failures in a single person.

Paff is such a tragic figure because, even though her crimes were horrific, it’s easy to understand what drove her to the Shadow Lord. Nobody, absolutely nobody, treats her with kindness or respect. She was alone and unloved. Lief rescued her from the Shadowlands, but never gave her a feeling of freedom. Yet he never suspected anything was amiss with her, unaware that a deadly enemy was hiding in plain sight. Lief was unable to help Paff but also unable to understand her, never imagining that she was capable of such horrors. Of course, Lief never imagined ANY of his citizens were capable of creating the fake plague, and realizing that it must have been done by one of his subjects but not realizing who it could be was agonizing for him. Paff created a wave of despair within him by forcing him to wonder which of his subjects was a traitor, and that any of his allies could be his enemy. Her plan involved destroying the trust of the people of Deltora in each other, in their king, and of the king and his people. 

The end result of Paff’s machinations is Lief’s lowest point. As he encounters the Sister of the South he realizes he is no different from his enemies. He could have gone down the same path they did, and is tempted to do so at the end. He is as imperfect as the rest of Deltora, and in order to save the country he must destroy one of its citizens. Let Lief’s empathy gives him strength. Even after all Paff has done, Lief still has pity for her. Realizing how similar they were let him understand her pain, and he gave her an opportunity to atone, even after all she did. Yet the Shadow Lord revealed himself unwilling to provide such mercy, taking Paff’s powers and throwing her aside like a used tool. Paff had given too far into despair by this point, and rather than be redeemed she destroyed herself with the greatest symbol of the country she betrayed. 

Before we talk about the cultural references baked into Paff’s character, I’d like to talk for a moment about the creature she controlled, as it is pretty unique among Deltora monsters. Like the Masked One, it is an extension of Paff’s power, its horrific appearance and strength contrasting the unassuming, harmless appearance of its controller. It is a creature of black oil, its lack of shape representing the hidden, insidious threat to the kingdom. It can attack several people at once in all directions, representing how Paff’s plot endangered every level of Deltoran society. The two heads are an unusual feature, unlike anything else in Deltora’s bestiary. The heads being a dog and a bird lack any biological purpose, suggesting that its appearance is more about symbolism than biology. As strange and varied as Deltora’s monsters are, all of their appearances served some sort of purpose. The creature Paff summons feels more like something from ancient myth or religion, not something that belongs in the natural world. It brings to mind the two-faced Roman god Janus, or the cherubim, and angel with the heads of a man, an ox, and eagle, and a lion. 

The more mythical appearance of Paff’s creature got me thinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the cultural icon Paff references is the last book of the Christian Bible. The Book of Revelations, also known as the Book of Apocalypse, is a complex and confusing part of the Bible, so I’m going to tread lightly here. The book presents a vision of the end of the world, with human society being destroyed and the people of earth being judged by God. Appropriately, the Sister of the South features an apocalyptic scenario with the grey tide, a final judgment for Lief and the people of Deltora. More specifically the Book of Revelation describes two beasts that bring down human civilization, which I think are inspirations for Paff and her creature. The first beast is a huge monster made up of different animal parts, like Paff’s creation. It caused people to follow it, like how the people followed Paff’s propaganda about the plague. The second beast is a false prophet, which “breathed life” into the image of the first beast, and brought death to those who would not worship it. Paff herself is clearly a parallel to the second beast. Yet like all the other guardians, the story that Paff references is subverted by her. The Shadow Lord’s plan is based on an apocalyptic story he participated in, and he seeks to put the people of Deltora in the same position with the Grey Tide. The first beast was described as a seven headed dragon, yet it is seven dragons that save Deltora, rather than destroy it. Fittingly, unlike in Revelations the land of Deltora is not destroyed, and Paff fails to overthrow society. The “prophecy” the Shadow Lord created does not come to pass, and the despair his plan weaponized is defeated by hope. The story ends on an optimistic note detailing a long era of peace and tranquility. 

These four characters are twisted and sad people, sympathetic yet dangerous. They are representatives of the failures of Deltora, tools for the Shadow Lord to destroy the kingdom from within. Lief’s journey to destroy the Four Sisters is about him coming to terms with the weaknesses in himself and his kingdom. Every step of the way he is shown that he cannot save the kingdom without destroying parts of it. Each of these characters are examples of what Lief could become, and he has prove himself different from them in order to succeed. As Lief battles them externally he is forced into an internal battle, one that has been building up over the course of the series. That will lead us to the next essay, about Lief’s psychology and why the Four Sisters quest is such a difficult and personal one for him. 

[kaialone]

Spirit Tracks Translation Comparison: Intro

This will be a comparison of the original Japanese version and the US English localized version.

Specifically, this will cover the intro cutscene of the game, detailing its backstory.

You can also watch this cutscene for yourself in English and Japanese. If you want, you can check out the EU English version, too.

For the comparison, the usual points apply:

Bolded is the original Japanese text, for the reference.

Bolded and italicized is my translation.

Italicized is the official NOA translation.

A (number) indicates that I have a specific comment to make on that part in the translation notes.

As you read this, please keep in mind that with translations like these, it’s important not to focus on the exact literal wordings, since there is no single “correct answer” when it comes to translations.

Rather than that, consider the actual information that is being conveyed, in which way, and why.

--

The Backstory:

これは遠い遠い昔… 人がこの地に生まれた頃の物語

This is a tale from long long ago... From the age when people were born in this land.

This is a tale from long ago. It's the tale of the first settlers of this land.

神の御名において治められし 大地は安寧のなかにありました

Ruled in the name of a God,  (1) the land was at peace.

In the beginning, the people followed the spirits of good, and all was peaceful.

けれどもその穏やかな時は 突如として失われたのです…

And yet, that time of tranquility suddenly came to an end...

But that era of peace soon came to an end.

闇の権化 魔王の襲来…多くの 命が奪われ 大地が焼かれました

An incarnation of darkness, the Demon King, invaded... Many lives were lost, and the land was burned.

The evil Demon King rose to power, destroying everything in his path.

全てを支配せんとする魔王は ついに神にも戦いを挑んだのです

The Demon King was close to seizing control of everything, and at last challenged the God as well.

The spirits of good had no choice but to face him in battle.

魔王と神の戦いは 永きに渡り 幾度も繰り返されました

For a long time, the battle of the Demon King and the God kept repeating over and over again.

The war that ensued seemed to last an eternity, and much blood was shed.

永遠に続くと思われた争いの果て 神は遂に魔王を討ち果たしました

At the end of their seemingly everlasting struggle, the God finally slayed the Demon King.

Finally, the spirits subdued the Demon King, though they could not destroy him.

しかしその神も かつての絶大な 御力を失ってしまったのです…

However, that God had also lost their once tremendous power...

Their powers were greatly depleted.

神は残された御力で魔王の魂を 闇の床に葬り…

With the power they had left, the God buried the Demon King's soul in a bed of darkness...  (2)

With their remaining power, they buried the Demon King's spirit in the ground.

彼の者が這い出ることが かなわぬよう塔を建てられました

To ensure that he would never crawl out again, they built a tower.

They built shackles to imprison him, and a tower that acted as a lock.

塔を要に魔を縛る封印が施され それは今も大地を覆っています

They fit the tower with a seal that binds demons. It covers the land to this day.

These shackles cover the land to this day.

全てを終え力尽きられた 神は天界に戻りになりました

After all was done, and with their power exhausted, the God returned to the heavens.

With their power drained, the spirits of good returned to the heavens.

神も魔も去ったこの大地は今 私達の手に委ねられています…

This land, left by both the divine and the demonic, has now been entrusted to us...

Suddenly bereft of both demons and spirits, this land was entrusted to us.

Translation Notes:

What I translated as “God” is 神/kami in Japanese. This can also be translated as “Gods”, but I have my reasons for going with singular instead, which I will explain in more detail below.

What I translated as “bed” is 床/toko in Japanese, which does mean “bed”, among other things, but in a loose sense that can also refer to something like the floor and the ground.

--

Comparisons & Thoughts:

Since this scene establishes the basic foundation of the entire story, which has seen some minor changes in English, there is a lot to talk about here, even if the text itself is short.

-

First of all, there are multiple points I want to go over regarding the divine entity which ruled the land in the past.

In the English version, they are called “the spirits of good”, but in many other language versions, they are called “the gods”, which is a closer translation of 神/kami, the word used in the Japanese version.

I want to point out that, depending on the context and one’s definition of what counts as a god, 神/kami could actually be translated as “spirit” or “spirits”, too.

However, in the case of the Zelda franchise, there are already creatures called “spirits” in the English adaptations of the games. These are called 精霊/seirei in Japanese, a word which more unambiguously translates to “spirits”. They include characters such as the Light Spirits in Twilight Princess, or Link’s spirit companions from Phantom Hourglass.

Because of this, translating 神/kami as “spirits” in this game here does conflate them with the previously established spirits in a misleading way.

It’s possible that they didn’t go for “gods” in English to avoid religious connotations, which is a bit of a bigger concern for a handheld title, since those are assumed to have a younger general audience.

But they actually do have at least one mention of the word “goddess” in the English version, and also feature the word “demon” a bit more prominently than most Zelda games.

So it’s not entirely clear.

For all we know, it could simply be that they came up with this idea of “Spirit” being the general theme of their localization (Spirit Tracks, Spirit Train, Spirit Flute, Zelda being a spirit), and thus went with “spirits” for branding purposes.

-

The next detail I need to address about this divine entity is the fact that I chose to translate 神/kami as the singular “God”, rather than the plural “Gods”.

You see, the Japanese language doesn’t truly have distinct singular and plural. Thus, any noun could be translated as either, and the only way to know which to go for is by knowing the context.

When it comes to the Zelda franchise, normally the obvious thing would be to translate 神/kami as plural, since this universe canonically has multiple deities, major and minor ones.

And these usually appear in groups too, like the most prominent gods in the franchise, the Three Golden Goddesses themselves.

But, as I was looking through the Japanese text of Spirit Tracks, I never came across anything that specified whether the 神/kami from its backstory was supposed to refer to multiple deities or a single one.

Once I realized that, I went back and noticed that the pictures in this intro cutscene actually seem depict a single entity fighting the Demon King:

If these were meant to be multiple deities, it feels like they would have depicted them as such here, but they didn’t.

So, while this isn’t concrete evidence that it was a single deity, I have never seen any evidence that it was multiple deities either.

For me, these pictures push the odds slightly in favor of it just being a single deity, so I have decided to go with that.

There is not much to truly go on, but given what little we have, I do believe this is the more likely option. I also think this ultimately fits slightly better with a few story details that come up later.

Going with the singular “God” does give me a few other problems, though.

Just as Japanese lacks a true plural, it also lacks things such as articles and capitalization.

Because of that, I might need to go with “God”, “a God”, “the God”, and so forth in my translation, depending on the context. And I’ll also have to make a choice when to capitalize the word or not.

Just be aware that in Japanese the word would always just be 神/kami, completely unchanged.

Additionally, the Japanese language also only rarely makes use of third-person pronouns, especially gendered ones. That’s just how the language works. As a result, the gender of this deity is never clarified either.

I decided to go with they/them pronouns for them in English, rather than to assume, but please note that this is just my translation choice.

In the Japanese version there simply aren’t any pronouns used for them, and that’s not an unusual thing.

These sorts of choices are always unavoidable when translating something from Japanese to English, so please be aware of them.

This is one of the many reasons why one should not take a translation’s wording exactly literal.

-

This next point isn’t related to this cutscene specifically, but I still wanted to mention it.

A little bit of trivia regarding this deity:

They don’t seem to have a specific given name, but in recent Japanese media I have seen them be referred to as 光の神/Hikari no Kami, which means “God(s) of Light”.

The earliest official instance of this term being used that I could find was actually in Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS. It was also later used in The Legend of Zelda: Encyclopedia.

I have seen it float around online a lot earlier than that, but I have never been able to find the original source for it.

As far as I am aware, this title does not appear in the game at all, at least I have never seen it anywhere.

If you happen to know where this title originated from, by all means, let me know!

-

With all that covered, we can move on to the more direct comparisons for this cutscene.

There is a very notable difference right at the start:

This is a tale from long long ago… From the age when people were born in this land.

This is a tale from long ago. It’s the tale of the first settlers of this land.

In the original Japanese version, it’s established that the events of this tale first began during the time when “people were born in this land”.

This makes it pretty clear that this tale involved the native population of this land.

In the English version, they instead say it’s the tale of “the first settlers of this land“.

This is quite misleading, as it gives the false impression that this tale is about the Hyrulean settlers, who arrived to this land 100 years ago.

Even if one were to argue “first settlers” could refer to previous settlers, the people described in the tale were clearly supposed to be natives of the land in Japanese.

This is no minor change, and from what I’ve seen, it led to a lot of confusion about the game’s backstory among English-speaking fans.

There are quite a few people who seem to be under the impression that Tetra and her crew would have fought the Demon King, but in reality, this conflict is supposed to have taken place many years before the Hyrulean settlers even arrived.

It’s a history that is unique to this land and its original native population.

This would also somewhat change the implication of this tale being told to Link. If you imagine it to be the story of the Hyrulean settlers, it’s Niko just telling Link about something that occurred in their recent history.

But as a tale that precedes the Hyrulean settlers, it’s Niko passing on knowledge about the history of this land prior to their own arrival.

This also happens to be one of the instances I know on top of my head where the EU English version has a more faithful translation, instead saying it’s the tale of “the first people of this land”.

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Going forward, there are a few things to say about the battle with the Demon King as it is described here.

In Japanese, the Demon King is called 闇の権化/yami no gonge, “an incarnation of darkness”, which I feel might be interesting for people who want to speculate.

But I’m not sure if we are supposed to take this part literally, or if it’s just a poetic way to describe him.

The English version goes with a non-literal interpretation, adapting it as “The evil Demon King”.

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A minor detail, but the Japanese version states that the Demon King went to challenge the God himself.

The English phrasing leans more towards it being the spirits of good who challenged the Demon King, but it’s a bit ambiguous.

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Most interesting to me personally is the part where the Japanese version states that the battle between the two “kept repeating over and over again.“

The battle is stated to have been incredibly long in either version, but something about this phrasing here makes me imagine a conflict that keeps flaring up again and again across centuries.

Maybe even something slightly similar to the recurring conflict between Link and Ganondorf in the old Hyrule?

It’s a minor difference, but still one that affected my mental image of these events.

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Finally, in Japanese it’s outright stated that the God “slayed” the Demon King, which is presumably why he was reduced to a soul.

In one sense, he died physically. It’s just that when you’re a Demon King, that doesn’t mean you’re out of the picture just yet.

The English version tones this down a notch, simply stating that the spirits “subdued” him. They even go as far as to´clarify that the spirits “could not destroy” the Demon King.

This actually will be a recurring element in this localization. For some reason, they seem to avoid this story detail.

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Another little bit of trivia here:

This Demon King, whose actual name we learn later on, has the honor of being the first “Demon King” ...in English.

In Japanese, the titles “Demon King” and “Great Demon King” were frequently used for Ganon/Ganondorf already, but they were always translated as something else in English, like “King of Evil” or “Prince of Darkness”.

But with Spirit Tracks, they finally let this term be used.

He is still kind of special in Japanese too, since he’s the first one to be called Demon King who is not Ganon/Ganondorf, so let’s give him that.

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And the last bit I want to compare directly is this part:

To ensure that he would never crawl out again, they built a tower.

They built shackles to imprison him, and a tower that acted as a lock.

They fit the tower with a seal that binds demons. It covers the land to this day.

These shackles cover the land to this day.

The differences here are simple.

In Japanese, the train tracks are a part of the larger “seal” that binds the Demon King, but in English they are made out to be like actual “shackles”  that directly hold him captive.

At this point in the story, this seems like a fair interpretation of what the tracks probably do, but later in the game we will get a more detailed explanation that differs from the English version.

Like I mentioned in the Introduction part, this change is most likely to elevate the importance of the tracks in the game’s lore, to fit with the English game title being “Spirit Tracks”.

Minor changes like these for the sake of branding aren’t unusual, from what I’ve seen.

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All in all, the localization in this cutscene suffers a bit when it comes to accuracy, due to some changes they probably had no choice but making.

The story changes regarding the tracks is something that affects the whole game, naturally.

It’s an overall minor change, just a slight alteration of how this Demon King prison functions, but something the deep lore analysts among you might want to keep in mind.

Arguably, this change also causes some ever so slight plot holes later in the story, but mostly if you want to be nit-picky.

My biggest gripe in this scene is the “first settlers of this land“ line, especially since the EU English version has an easy fix for it.

It’s just a few little words, and yet they drastically change the implied context of this scene.

And I know for a fact that it has been misleading English-speaking fans for years, so I think it’s fair to say that this is a notable difference.

However, those aspects aside, this cutscene is well-written in English.

It’s faithful to the Japanese version in a way that isn’t too stiff, they did a good job of localizing the text in a general sense, and handled the changes they made well enough.

I’m still somewhat astonished they were able to have mentions of demons, the heavens, and even get in the line “much blood was shed “, which was not this violent in the Japanese version.

I know technically none of these are completely new to English Zelda, but still.

Anyway, that’s all for this part, feel free to proceed to the next one!

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 | Start | Next Part >

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[fabula-novo-mundo]

Theonymy: On the Names of fal’Cie

The gods of Fabula Nova Crystallis (FNC) are, as the title of the mythology would suggest, multifaceted. This post will be the first in a series that attempts to analyse them from a polytheistic, specifically, a fictional or otherworld reconstructionist perspective.

Names are essential to storytelling. In the Final Fantasy series of games especially, names are drawn from many different cultures and languages, even within the same title: Nomura Tetsuya, the series’ lead character designer for the last 22 years, and one of the creative leads behind the original Fabula Nova Crystallis project, drew from Okinawan (“Yuna”, night; “Tidus”, sun), Ainu (“Wakka”, water), and Arabic (“Lulu”, pearl) while creating the characters of the Final Fantasy X series. These names often subtly allude to the positions of the characters or their future arcs in the context of the story or its themes, and understanding their etymology can frequently be illuminating.

This doesn’t hold a candle, however, to the significance of the names of gods, which describe their relationship with the world itself, and have their origins in epithets used to describe them by their worshippers. For example, the chthonic jötunn Hel, whose name derives from the Proto-germanic *haljō, from the Proto-Indo-european *kol-, “to cover/hide”, as one covers a corpse in the soil of a grave; or the Irish psychopomp an Morrígan, whose name either translates to “Great Queen” or “Phantom Queen”, as befits a goddess who manifests to doomed warriors; or Nebt-het, the netjert of death, whose name translates to “Lady of the Temple Enclosure”, describing her role in ritual.

fal’Cie

Firstly, the term “god” itself should be addressed. Often applied in english-language literature across religious traditions to describe a wide array of entities, it often fails to capture the nuance that culturally specific terms have for these entities. For example, in norse tradition, the word “god” is typically applied to the Æsir and Vanir, but not their enemies (such as the Jötnar) despite the latter often being of equal power and cosmic significance to the former two; additionally, the word often fails to describe the nuance of the word “kami” in Shinto tradition.

This word, kami, in fact is the term often used to describe the higher deities in the original japanese scripts of the Fabula Nova Crystallis franchise (this term became “god” in the english, of course), particularly concerning the most supreme living being in the mythos: Bhunivelze, the Shining God (Kagayakeru Kami), for whom the terms for lesser spirits in the mythology were considered inadequate or degrading by his historical worshippers.

However, being apathetic (at best) to the Shining One myself, i will use this term for him anyway: fal’Cie, the name for a living, material god in the various worlds of the setting[1]. In the rest of this post, and in subsequent writing, i will use the collective and singular term “fal’Cie” to refer to inorganic spirits in Fabula Nova Crystallis that are themselves descended from inorganic spirits.

The term “fal’Cie” itself deserves analysis. In the original japanese scripts, the kana for this term is ファルシ, “faruShi”, which is very nearly a correct transliteration of the english-language word “fallacy” — whose definition is of course “a mistaken belief or error in reasoning.” This will become incredibly important later when i discuss the nature of mythology and cult within the setting, but for now let it simply be noted that it is important that the term used for spirits in this world is nearly synonymous with the concept of “misconception.”

The related term “l’Cie” provides another avenue for analysis of the theonym. l’Cie, written ルシ, ruShi, are (formerly) human servants or slaves of fal’Cie. The term, especially in the original scripts, is pronounced almost exactly the same as the italian “luci”, or “light”, and when romanised, is quite clearly just the french word “ciel“ or “sky” with the last consonant shifted forward. Both of these concepts allude to the origin and master of all living fal’Cie and, indeed, all souls and Matter in the FNC, in the most exalted Lord of Light, Bhunivelze.

The fa- prefix that forms the word fal’Cie is then theorised by FNC fans to have its origins in the Latin famulus “servant,” in line with the origin of the “fa” note in solfège (Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti) from the Latin hymn Ut queant laxis. This would, fittingly, give us an etymology for the term fal’Cie that comes to something along the lines of “Servant of Light/Heaven.” Personally, i’m not sure how much merit this association actually has, convenient though it is, so i’d like to propose an alternate theory.

There is only one obvious association that the fal- prefix could have in west european languages. It has already been covered, indirectly, but bears discussing again: the word “fallacy” derives ultimately from the Latin fallere, “to deceive,” and the fal- stem in descendant romance languages still retains this association with falseness (french and italian, used in the “l’Cie” part of the word, are, of course, romance languages, which makes an italic etymology for fa(l)- the most likely). This would give ���fal’Cie” the etymology “Heavenly Deception” or “Deceiving Light,” both of which could help elucidate the beings’ true natures.

It should be further noted that words in japanese containing the syllable シ (shi), which is a homonym for 死 “death,” often become associated with death by association: for example, the japanese numeral 四 “four,” also pronounced shi, is historically considered inauspicious.

[1] i am aware that in the brand change from Final Fantasy Versus XIII to Final Fantasy XV, the term “fal’Cie” was replaced with “Astral” as a term specific to the world of Eos, but insofar as these entities still exist as the crystalline descendants of the Fell Trickster Lindzei and the Hallowed Tyrant Pulse, the theonym “fal’Cie” is still correct, and i will use it when describing these entities in the context of the wider setting. The word “Astral” itself shares connotations with the celestial etymology of the original term, which hints at the Astrals’ true nature, even after the rebranding.

Pulse

Stout fashioned earth, that future might take root. — Analect I, “The Vanished Gods”

The first theonym i would like to address is the most simple. Pulse, the Terrestrial Potentate, is a male fal’Cie who is credited with shaping the physical world. Concretely, this means he is the entity responsible for the creation of, well, nearly everything that can be seen, touched, or otherwise mundanely sensed in the mortal realm.

His symbol is ten bidirectional prongs or arrows emanating from a central eye, five upwards, five downwards. In Final Fantasy XIII we find its analogue in the many-pronged double-headed spears of the Gran Pulsian l’Cie Oerba Yun-Fang, which makes it doubly clear that this symbol is supposed to be phallic, and possibly a symbol of fertility or rulership, an association strengthened by the fact that the Etro-venerators of the Kingdom of Lucis and the otherworldly leisure house Serendipity depict Hallowed Pulse as the King on their playing card sets, and give him the title “the Mighty Potentate.”

The origin of the english word “pulse” is Latin pulsus, both words to describe a beat, throb, flow or stroke. This highlights the deep connection that the Hallowed Pulse has to the mortal world and all parts of nature that lie within, as the source of and indicator for the terrestrial realm’s strength and vitality.

The etymology of pulsus can reveal more, however: pellere, to push, drive, affect, compel, expel, propel, repel, dispel, impel, strike, banish, or conquer. This helps us see the significance of the ten arrows as a symbol of force, power, domination, and divine kingship, and solidifies the Divine Pulse’s associations with violent rulership or tyranny. Pulse is very much the archetypal patriarch, and the domineering attitude of his descendant fal’Cie towards the mortals they live alongside reinforces this.

Lindzei

Sage turned mind's eye inward, seeking truth profound. — ibid.

The third and youngest offspring of Light, the etymology of “Lindzei” is much less transparent than her elder sibling’s, but by examining the Heavenly Ruler’s iconography and associations, it is possible to determine some likely candidates.

Analect II, titled “Lindzei’s Nest,” from Final Fantasy XIII, gives us the following from the perspective of a Gran Pulsian demagogue:

And lo, the viper Lindzei bore fangs into the pristine soil of our Gran Pulse; despoiled the land and from it crafted a cocoon both ghastly and unclean.

Lies spilled forth from the serpent's tongue: 'Within this shell lies paradise.' Men heard these lies and were seduced and led away.

O cursed are the fools who trust a snake and turn their backs upon the bounty of Pulse's hallowed land! For those who dwell in that cocoon are not Men, but slaves of the demon Lindzei.

Ye who honor Pulse: rise unto the heavens, and cast down the viper's nest!

The serpent imagery here would seem oddly out of place if it weren’t for the universal symbol of Lindzei used by his descendant fal’Cie and the mortal societies she patronises. Lindzei’s symbol is that of a statuesque feminine figure with exaggerated hips, arms, and a headdress, whose stylised silhouette strongly resembles a uterus and ovaries. However, seen from another angle, this extremely stylised shape also resembles the hood of a cobra. It is fitting that a fal’Cie who is so associated with duplicity and tricks would be represented by such a multifaceted symbol.

This gives us a clue to the origin of the first part of Lindzei’s name. The germanic stem lind-, seen in the english word “lindworm” (dragon) and in many other germanic words for “snake”, has its origin in the Old norse linnormr, ultimately deriving from Proto-germanic *linþaz “flexible.” This is by far and away the likeliest candidate for the etymology of the Fell Lindzei, and strengthens the already existing trickster archetype or Satanic associations the gender-ambiguous (yet highly feminised) fal’Cie possesses.

The other associations of the word *linþaz are also worth discussing. The english word “lithe” descends from *linþaz, and the concept of flexibility or bendsomeness is itself highly relevant to the nature of this uranic fal’Cie. Lindzei is, above anything else, noted for his “dark cunning,” her skill with words, and, in the history of the Etroites, is effectively considered the midwife of the mortal races, who cultivated the very first human civilisations after their Goddess’ death. Given that societies patronised by Lindzei’s offspring (e.g. Cocoon, Milites) tend towards being extremely technologically and politically advanced, as well as lacking in superstition or fear towards the natural world, this idea has significant merit.

Which brings me to the Linden tree. Originating again from *linþaz, the Linden in germanic cultures has associations with femininity, divine protection and fertility, as well as truth-seeking, jurisprudence and political deliberation in general. All these associations are relevant to Lindzei, who above all his siblings is associated with the political life of humanity, and to whose followers is the true salvator and protector of the mortal peoples from nature or Pulse’s violent tyranny.

This leaves only the suffix -zei, pronounced “zeɪ” as in “say”. In fact, the word “say” — being of ancient germanic origin in *sagjaną, whose descendants are frequently pronounced as “z” (e.g. german sagen, dutch zeggen (past singular zei)) — is my personal best guess as to the actual etymology. Lindzei being so strongly associated with language and society, it seemed natural to me that this would be alluded to in her name.

Overall, this would give an etymology for the theonym that comes to something along the lines of “Speaking Serpent,” very fitting for a Lucifer-esque trickster figure.

In Analect VIII of Final Fantasy XIII, Lindzei is given an additional epithet “the Succubus,” which strengthens the Trickster/Satanic archetype associations, and yet further feminises the fal’Cie who is so demonised by devotees of Hallowed Pulse.

In Serendipity and on Eos, playing cards depict Lindzei as the Jack, with a caption describing him as “the Solemn Ruler,” who is “commanding from his throne on high.” This solidifies the uranic and political associations that the fal’Cie has.

Etro

Fool desired naught, and soon was made one with it. — Analect I, “The Vanished Gods”

For the Infernal Goddess, who is barely acknowledged by most mortal cultures in the setting, the problem of naming is particularly pertinent. To most peoples, She is simply Death, the embodiment of their mortality — but to those of Her children (for all mortals are born from Her broken corpse) who venerate Her, She is also known as “Her Providence”. This epithet is in fact the only name by which She is known specifically in the version of Eos depicted in the rebranded Final Fantasy XV, where the remnants of Her crystalline soul provided the Lucis Caelum[2] dynasty with its magic.

The epithet “Providence” of course alludes to Her gift (or curse) of prophecy, and associations with probability/entropy — misfortune, and prudent preparation to stave it off in particular.

Given that the Crystal of Lucis is referred to as the soul of the planet Eos itself, and yet is also termed the “Light of Providence” by the Astrals, it is possible that “Eos” is in fact itself another epithet for Her Providence Etro. Eos, originally greek ἠώς, means “Dawn” and is also the name used for the hellenic thea of the Dawn herself. This word ultimately derives from the Proto-Indo-european *h₂éwsōs of the same meaning.

It may seem counterintuitive for a Goddess of the Underworld to be referred to as the Dawn personified, but it is worth noting that She is also associated with entropy and disaster and yet is still called Her Providence. As the Lady of Chaos, She may bring the dawn if She so chooses by drawing the darkness back into the Unseen Realm, and in fact this is the role She plays as the Queen of Valhalla and by protecting the people of Eos from the Starscourge (which is a manifestation of the Unseen Chaos).

Like many death deities in our world, it is possible that Her true name is so rarely uttered because of this fal’Cie’s deathly nature, and how tied She is to destruction, chaos and entropy in general — it is not uncommon for such terrible spirits to often be referred to with euphemisms to avoid invoking either their wrath or their destructive natures. Surprisingly, one thing both Pulsian and Lindzeian cultures agree on is their fear of or even hatred for this entity.

Unlike Her sibling fal’Cie, She is entirely absent from the mortal realm and Her influence can only be felt through the chthonic Unseen Realm which awaits Her children between death and rebirth. Also unlike Fell Lindzei and Hallowed Pulse, Her Providence bore no fal’Cie of Her own, as She was granted no divine gifts in life.

The concept of the Unseen Realm will be revisited later in this series, but for now let it simply be noted that She is depicted as the Queen on playing cards created by Her devotees, and referred to on the writing below the illustration as “the Veiled Goddess.” Personally, i believe this epithet refers to mourning veils, as well as the veil between the Visible and Unseen Realms which is Death — i.e., “Veiled Goddess” is a euphemistic manner of describing Her nature as the Dead and Death Goddess.

The actual name of this fal’Cie (if indeed She can be considered a fal’Cie alongside Her kin) is not even alluded to until the very, very, very end of the post-game in Final Fantasy XIII, and outside its two direct sequels Her name is even then seldom referenced except euphemistically. There are many possible reasons for this, but that’s a topic for another post.

Children of Hallowed Pulse scour earth, searching substance for the Door. Those of Fell Lindzei harvest souls, combing ether for the same. So have I seen.

The Door, once shut, was locked away, with despair its secret key; sacrifice, the one hope of seeing it unsealed.

When the twilight of the gods at last descends upon this world, what emerges from the unseeable expanse beyond that Door will be but music, and that devoid of words: the lamentations of the Goddess Etro, as She sobs Her song of grief.

— Analect XIII, “Fabula Nova Crystallis”

Etro, written エトロ (Etoro) in kana, has an extremely ambiguous etymology, as is noted by several fans of the setting. i will list what i consider to be the likeliest possibilities here, and describe the reasoning behind each as best i can.

Firstly is the french être ”to be,” triply relevant due to the presence of french and other italic languages in the FNC’s theonymy already; the nature of the Veiled Goddess Etro as mother to all human-kind, midwife of all re-born human souls, and as She who endows mortals with the formless heart that delineates us from our fal’Cie cousins; and, lastly, due to a possible connection with the etymology of Her cosmic antithesis, the Shining God Bhunivelze, which will be covered in the next section.

Second is the italian tetro “gloomy”/”grim,” which has obvious connections to Veiled Etro’s chthonic nature as She resides in the perpetual twilight of the Unseen Realm of Death.

Third, the Breton etre “betwixt,” whose etymology is entirely distinct yet is geographically proximate to the previous french. Veiled Etro, powerless in the world of Her birth, was  granted a power beyond any living fal’Cie in the Immortal Realm of Chaos, and used this power to grant this primordial force to Her mortal children in a perpetual cycle of death and rebirth, between one world and the other. Thus, the concept is relevant to Her nature.

Fourthly is the Proto-Indo-european *kʷetwóres “four,” an association that might be clearer when examining the numeral’s descendants, but which i am fond of as a potential etymology for Her Providence due to the association that the number has with death in japan, as discussed previously. The reconstructed *kʷetwóres becomes Latin quattuor, italian quattro, greek τετρα- (tetra-), Proto-balto-slavic *ketur-, and many others whose stems all resemble the name “Etro.”

Fifthly is the italian etra “heaven,” ultimately derived (via italian etere) from greek αἰθήρ (aether, transliterated into japanese kana as エーテル, “ēteru,” which is remarkably close to “Etoro”) which is a good way of describing the formless fluid nature of the Chaotic realm over which Her Providence Etro presides.

Last, but certainly not least, is the option that i personally find the likeliest: the Latin ceterus, or greek ἕτερος (heteros), both of which mean “other one,” both descended from the Proto-Indo-european suffix *-(e)teros — a suffix which means “one that is especially more than [prefix],” making fundamentally important word stems such as *ḱe- (here) or *sem- (one), into a general term for “that which is distinct from this.” This is incredibly important to understanding the Veiled Lady, who has largely been defined by being set apart from every other fal’Cie in Her lack of godliness, Her dominion over Chaos, Her cosmic opposition to the source of all living fal’Cie, and most notably, Her total absence in human culture or the majority of historical accounts concerning the world’s fal’Cie. Etro is the Great Other who is set apart from wider society, ostracised, scapegoated, and painted as a childish Fool or terrifying monster, regardless of cultural context or era.

Etro’s symbol is quite mysterious, as befits the Veiled Goddess. Similar to the etymology of Her name, there are many possible interpretations of Her sign.

The most obvious might be the image of a sprouting seed, which fits Her rebirth function and also matches the possible french etymology être.

The second is that of an eyeball cut in half longways, pointing downwards, which matches Her associations with prophecies and visions, as well as the world below. Etro’s Gate, the other of Her prominent symbols, which is the Door of Souls through which the dead and newly-reborn must pass to enter or exit the Unseen Realm, is also, notably, in the shape of an eye as seen from the front.

The silhouette also somewhat resembles an avian head viewed from the front, with the eyes near the base of the image, and this has immense importance to Her avian associations (the presence of (white — possibly swan) feathers is Her single most important omen/symbol after the Door of Souls). The softly-thinning curved prongs arguably resemble feathers themselves, or perhaps multiple sets of wings stretched upwards to the sky.

The fourth thing to note is the sphere of something fluid at the heart of whatever the image is depicting, which represents an organic flow of some kind, most likely the primordial Chaos that the Unseen Realm and the hearts of Her children are composed of. Within this dark fluid seems to be concealed some sort of staff or spike, which might represent a concealed blade or other weapon of some sort. Either way, this strengthens the already existing associations Her Providence has with concealment.

It might also possibly speak to the twin martial and spiritual functions, or, in DnD-esque Final Fantasy terms, physical and magical power — two things that are extremely relevant to Her Providence, who is so delighted by contests of violence. The fact that this dark fluid and the weapon concealed within are surrounded by the husk or wings/feathers of the symbol could either be an allusion to the Chaos that lies at the heart of every mortal (and Etro Herself), and the Unseen Chaos that Etro is charged with keeping at bay to preserve the Visible World.

[2] Note the connection to italian luci and french ciel here in the Latin Lucis Caelum, which are both referenced in the theonym “fal’Cie.”

Bhunivelze

Luminous lamented, for creation spiraled unto doom. — Analect I, “The Vanished Gods”

This supreme fal’Cie of light, “the god who rules all things,” and “holds the world in his palm” is in fact primarily referred to not by name, but simply as “God,” singular, monotheistic and absolute. He is also given many epithets related to light and the sun, such as “the Shining God,” or simply “Luminous.” All fal’Cie depicted in the setting, and thus, all Matter itself — everything that doesn’t stem from Chaos, to be clear — stem from this being’s great, near-absolute power as the self-made centre of all existence.

But his etymology is much less transparent than his realm. There are only a few narrow possibilities i have been able to find, and they are even then only tentative, so of the five entities discussed here i am most likely to revisit the Shining One at a later date.

“Bhuni-” may have an origin in the Latin bonus “good”/”right”, whose romance-language descendants often mutated the word into bun- stem words, all associated with correct morality. This has a credible link to Shining Bhunivelze’s associations with purification and correct action.

The second option i find more credible, myself: Proto-Indo-european *bʰuH- “to become”[3], which becomes Proto-germanic *beuną “to become” (from whence the english “be”/”been”), Kurdish bûn “to be,” Sanskrit भूमन्  (bhū́man) “world,” भू (bhū́) “earth”/”matter”/”world,” and particularly भूमि (bhū́mi) “limit”/”extent”/”foundation”/”earth.” As Bhunivelze is the foundation of everything that can be seen in the material realm, and possesses absolute control over all visible Matter, his name being to do with the world itself, or the concept of limits/extents, or even matter/substance itself, would be extremely fitting.

The concept of Bhūmi is particularly relevant. The word represents the earth element in Hinduism, and is embodied in the devi of the same name who is analogous to “Mother Earth” and is also known as Prithvi; however, the term Bhūmi is used differently in Mahayana Buddhism. Within Mahayana-thought, the bhūmis are the ten[4] stages of attainment that must be passed in order to reach bodhi, or enlightenment. This concept is most certainly relevant to the self-declared most enlightened being in all creation.

“-velze” requires some more work. In katakana, his name is written ブーニベル (Būniberuze), which could help with finding more candidates.

Firstly, the dutch/Middle german vels(e) (plural velzen) “rock” — it is arguably a stretch, but i think it bears mentioning due to the fact that the Lord Bhunivelze does in fact have associations with stone/mineral — not just in that he is the god of all solid Matter (something that i will discuss later in the series), but that he is associated with crystalline structures in particular. In Final Fantasy XIII-2, we are given the following Oracle of Etro, which is the first time the Shining One is actually referred to by name:

In the physical world, it contains within its form endless chaos. By the will of the deities, it gives birth to all living things. I speak of crystal.

The eternal dream world of the crystal lies within the Unseen World. Even the gods long to find their way to that place. In all crystal, the heart that shines most brightly is called Bhunivelze.

— “Bhunivelze’s Sleep,” Yeul’s Confessions

With Proto-germanic *beuną this would give Bhunivelze an approximate etymology of “Stone Coming Into Being,” “Stone Appearing,” or “Growing Stone.”

Second is the Hindi वली (valī) “lord”/”saint”, which is even more of a stretch than vels to be honest, but is worth mentioning. This would give him an etymology akin to “Lord of the Universe.”

The last guess i have for this etymology is the english “verse,” from Latin versus, based instead on the original japanese pronunciation. The reason i think this is plausible is due to the Shining One’s connections to the Biblical God, whose words speak creation into being. This would, with Latin bonus or Proto-Indo-european *bʰuH-, give the Shining One an etymology something along the lines of “Good Verse” or “Verse Coming Into Being,” both of which are quite fitting.

We can go one step further from “verse,” however: If we take Proto-Indo-european *bʰuH-, and the original japanese pronunciation, we can form Bhu-niverse, which is to say, the english word “universe” (ultimately derived from Latin ūniversus, “turned into one”) — a lot more plausible given the numerous Sanskrit bhū́- stem words listed above meaning “entire world.” This is the likeliest etymology for Shining Bhunivelze, in my opinion, and gives us a final meaning of “the World Coming Into Being.” This concept is incredibly relevant to the nature of Bhunivelze and Matter in general in Fabula Nova Crystallis, and will be discussed at length later on.

[3] Here the possible connection to the speculated french etymology être for Etro, also “to be,” which would highlight their shared cosmic significance as the ultimate light and dark principles.

[4] The number ten is incredibly important to the Shining One, who bears ten wings in his full manifestation and whose Latin-alphabet name (not coincidentally, the Latin alphabet is sacred to him) is composed of ten characters.

Mwynn

Maker forged fal'Cie, from fragments Maker's own. — Analect I, “The Vanished Gods”

Barely referred to except by the hints of hints even in the most hidden parts of the Fabula Nova Crystallis video-games, the majority of our knowledge about this most ancient of deities comes from the 2011 Square Enix video describing the central mythology of the entire setting.

Mwyn is a Welsh word with a dual meaning, the more common of which is neglected by FNC fans, so i will cover the less common first.

Mwyn is an adjective meaning mild, tender or gentle, which alludes to the Deepest Mwynn’s role as Mother to all creation, and particularly in raising Her offspring Shining Bhunivelze (in the Mortal Realm) and Veiled Etro (in the Unseen Realm) and instructing them on their respective cosmic positions as the wellspring of all Matter and the shepherd of all Chaos. Unfortunately, the etymology of this word is unclear, but it might possibly originate from Proto-Indo-european *men- “to think.”

Mwyn also means “ore” or “mineral.” Similar to the hypothetical bhū́mi and vels etymology for the Shining One Bhunivelze, this is relevant to our Deepest Mother Mwynn as the ancestral crystal of every soul and heart and speck of Matter that exists, as far as can be known. The etymology for this word is not much better-attested, though likely ultimately descends from Proto-Celtic *mēnis, meaning the same thing, and ultimately from Proto-Indo-european *(s)mēy(H)- “to cut”/”to hew.” The concept of cutting/hewing crystal is central to the almost parthenogenesis-like method by which fal’Cie (and, indeed, the ancestral mortals born from the Veiled Goddess Etro’s blood) are created, so i ultimately find both definitions of mwyn to be relevant here.

Unfortunately, there is only one depiction of the Deepest Mother available for analysis, but unlike Her chthonic daughter, who is frequently depicted badly wounded, sleeping/comatose or dying, She is depicted with Her body and all Her limbs intact; and within a great tapering double helix, a great disc — likely the universe — lies beneath the soles of her feet. This symbol is ultimately the logo used for the Fabula Nova Crystallis setting as a whole, and it warms my heart to know this long-forgotten Goddess receives some recognition in this form.

In time the gods departed, leaving all by their hands wrought.

Fal'Cie were as Man forsaken, orphans of Maker absconded.

— Analect I, “The Vanished Gods”

i dedicate this etymological analysis to The Dead Goddesses: to my Veiled Infernal Queen, Etro, and to my Deepest Ancestral Mother, Mwynn. We stand guard over your legacies still.

[miannedomusings]

SINGULARITY: Bittersweet and Sexy

SINGULARITY EXPLORED: Masterpost | First Impressions | Lyrics 1 | Lyrics 2 | Bittersweet and Sexy

A/N:This is the longest of my Singularity posts but also probably the most interesting one.

I could ramble on and on about what I like about this song musically. Given that I don’t really “understand” music, it wouldn’t make sense to you, and it wouldn’t make sense to me, but by-golly would I ever run out breath trying to find the right words to describe the things that I like about this song. Now that being said, I do think this song is best when listened to with the video and the lyrics. It's a good song - I like its musical flavour - but I do think that the lyrics and video elevate it to something better than it is on its own.

So, foregoing the convoluted attempt I could make at describing this song as if I understand anything about music or music production on a technical level, I’m going to talk about this song and how its three parts (music, lyrics, and video) complement and contrast each other. Now, full disclosure, I’m going to be talking about this song in isolation and this isn’t going to be some heavily researched analysis where I reveal all the potential literary and cinematic allusions that are probably hidden in the lyrics and visuals. I’m talking about this song all on its lonesome! Just whatever this song made me think of up front... and there's a lot. In fact, that's one of the things that makes this such a strong video to me. I think that a full and interesting interpretation can be made for this song and video without having heard or seen anything else by this group or any of the stuff it maybe references.

One of the things that I really like about listening to music in a language that I don’t speak, is that I get to choose if and when I want to engage with the lyrics. For me, I care way more about the music than the lyrics. So not surprisingly, my first encounter (and the second and possibly the third) involved no lyrics at all. And I’m so glad I did that. I think that all three elements of this work together very well, but I also thing that what makes them such an interesting final product is that I wouldn’t necessarily predict this video based off of the music, and I definitely wouldn’t predict these lyrics, and yet they fit together very nicely. I think most people who have listened or watched this video would agree that this song pairs well with a bottle of wine and some mood lighting – by that of course I mean that it’s a fucking sexy song. Part of that comes from the pacing (this song takes its time), the low reverberating base, and V’s velvety voice. All of which create a very purposeful and intense momentum that carry you through the song until you jarringly reach the end and you’re forced to wake up out of the trance it lulled you into. And then of course there’s the jazz and R&B elements of the music, and a whole-lot-a smolder...

This song makes quite the impression. And if you watch almost any reaction video online you’ll see that just about everyone winds up in the same place:

(BRISxLIFE)

(RobertIDK)

But, given this first impression, the lyrics are really something surprising. The day after this song came out I read the lyrics separate from the music and video, and I was struck by how different they were on their own. It’s easy to interpret the music and video as being dark, the word “haunting” gets thrown around a lot for this trailer and I agree with that evaluation. But what first came off as dark and sultry, when the lyrics get added in, feels dark and destructive. Some noteworthy lines include “Have I lost myself/ Or have I gained you” and, “I dumped myself into the lake / I buried my voice for you… A thick ice has formed…There’s my face in it/ Please don’t say anything” – that’s some dark shit! ...Honestly the urge was there just to quote the whole thing…

Clearly this is a song about changing yourself for someone else. Given the choreography and how this song oozes sex (pardon the visual), I’m going to talk about this as if it’s specifically change for a romantic someone. It tells a story of someone who has buried parts of themselves in order to complement the other person better, but spring is coming, the ice is cracking, and their truth won’t be able to remain buried once the ice thaws. Having the lyrics in the back of my mind and watching the video again I remember being so confused by some of V’s acting. I couldn’t help but think – why is he smiling so much? Is he flirting with the camera right now? Lyrically, there is nothing to smile about. At best, one could say that when he says “Have I gained you” he’s expressing the positives of love, but even that – it’s a question, and the alternative is a bleak loss of self. 

And yet, in the video they pair a line like “My agonizing phantom pain is still the same” with a cheeky smirk and raised eye-brows.

And this brings us to where I think the different elements of the song really come together to make something greater than the sum of its parts. Because of course, if the masks he put on in order to be with this person are awful in every way, he wouldn't have done it. The lyrics, the seductive music, and the opening dance sequence of the video, tie all of the pain and torment with longing, needing, and wanting. That smirk when talking about phantom pain says there’s something delicious about it.

In the opening shot, you see V dancing with a coat wrack. At first there’s the obvious metaphor for his relationship with this lover being a fantasy; it’s not real, it’s hollow, there’s no substance to their love, etc. This is also mirrored in the sparse sets. Overall the video has a very minimalist feel to it, with lots of cold concrete and harsh neon lights. It's possible this is meant to show the emptiness of the dream he's living in, or how he's reduced himself for this lover...

This is especially interesting given that the busiest shots in the video, appear to be occurring in "spring" after the ice has melted and his buried self has returned. And maybe this was just an aesthetic choice, but given that spring means the death of his fantasy and this relationship, it's a nice touch that in the spring shots V's wearing all black as if in mourning.

I really love all the ways this video plays with the theme of falsehoods and fantasies. It's all over the place – the fake dance partner, the masks that surround V, the backwards roles of winter and spring, I think even the other dancers may be there to represent the different versions of himself. I mean, BTS has had their other comeback trailers feature only a single member, so why in a song called Singularity did they choose to call in the troops? There's a lot of ways to think about the title of this song. We've got the imagery that he is one with his lover (sharing an arm in the opening dance), but also that his relationship is just a fantasy and in reality it's only him. There's the idea of removing parts of yourself, but ultimately becoming your whole self again in the end. And also the inevitability that with the return of his "voice" he will certainly lose his lover and be alone. ...But back to that opening dance. So you see V being caressed by some disembodied arm, and then (maybe it takes more than one go through the video) you see that the arm that's caressing him is actually his own. This visual fits so with the idea that there is something fake about the love they have. And it's more than just a neat choreography gimmick, the idea hat it’s his own arm filling his partner’s sleeve also plays into the idea of phantom pain and losing himself to gain someone else. A piece of him has literally been replaced by them: he has lost his arm and gained theirs. But it's just an illusion (literally so for the viewer). The dissonance between his dream and his cruel reality is expressed really well in the video. When you watch the opening sequence there's clearly a lot of conflict – he accepts the touch of his lover but then pushes it away. The desire and want in his face and body language is exceptionally clear, but he keeps rejecting the loving arm.

He knows it’s not real, and he knows that it’s something artificial that he created and can’t possibly maintain. But the idea of it is so sweet.  The pain he’s created by removing pieces of himself to fit better with someone else are agonizing, yes, but also exactly what he wants. The contradictory nature of his feelings are all over this song. It's in the starting and stopping of the music, in the sections of fast-paced dance over a slow beat, the confusion that can be read in the lyrics, and throughout the visuals. As sweet as his fantasy is he can't remain in the dream any longer now that the ice is cracking... Independently, the music of this song sounds dark and seductive. The video carries on the sultry vibes, but adds a little more longing to the mix with the cold sets and the absence of a partner with any substance. The video certainly suggests that there is fantasy here, but maybe this song is more of an invitation for a partner to join him - I mean just look at the way he flirts with the camera! The lyrics on the other hand tell a dark story, where dark no longer means 'tall, dark, and handsome', but instead makes you want to turn on the lights and check over your shoulder. They're full of fear and desperation. It is only when the three components of the trailer come together that you get the full story. The lyrics ground the visuals and the music; they bring your attention to the cold concrete and the deep baseline. The visuals and the music dress up the pain in fantasy and desire.The way that this trailer ties everything together is what makes it my favourite BTS music video so far. There are plenty of videos that are visually stunning and that carry on interesting plot lines (here's looking at you Blood, Sweat, and Tears), but Singularity presents a cohesive and interesting final product that sticks with me much more. It's minimal, but striking, and all the little subtleties tell you there's more going on here than you first think.  

Since writing this, I’ve noticed some really cool ways the music ties into this narrative thanks to some of the things a music producer (Joey Nato) had to say about it. So I’m just going to tack those thoughts on here. Now because I’m referencing musicy things that I don’t know how to describe, I’ll link to moments in the m/v as I go.

The first thought is a simple one, it’s the sound used to make that lovely little plucked melody that interrupts the sparse chord and beat sequence. From what I’m told it’s a distorted harp sound, and as Joey describes it, they way they’ve distorted it transforms it from something elegant to something edgy. This fits in beautifully with the twisted fantasy the song is describing. Love should be lovely, but there’s something about this love that has an edge, that points to the reality beneath the mask. 

A more interesting element in the music are those fat chords that take up a lot of space in the track - the ones that sit at the bottom of the scene and spread outwards like fog rolling over a landscape. They make the song feel cozy. They envelop the space you’re in, and feel comfortable. But when they are then played with the wah-wah effect on them it feels like they’re coming in and out of focus (by wah-wah, I mean the way the sound wobbles). The fog that reminded me more of clouds and plushness now feels more like haze. This is an awesome way to express the comfort of the illusion that the protagonist experiences behind their mask, but also that it’s conflicting and it isn’t clear what’s real anymore. Something’s a little off. 

Another element used is the unpredictability of the music. While drifting along in our comfortable haze, the song introduces shocks. This is done with the sharp sound of the rim shots on the snare drum and the moments where the music is abruptly halted with the sharp jab of a chord that is followed by absolute silence. The jolt created by the chords is even more jarring thanks to how unpredictable the song is - you expect a nice soft wavy chord to cushion you on the next beat and instead you get a chord that strikes and then leaves you float alone in the void.

This is, I think, a big contributor to the unease that this song brings out. Overall, I think it’s easy to ignore the edge the song has, take it as a moody, but ultimately smooth and sensual song. But there is an edge. It’s in the distorted harps and the shocks of silence. It feels like they’ve captured those moments of doubt, when reality catches up with you, and you’re suddenly forced to question your choices. But then as soon as it comes, the moment passes and you are lulled by new chords again, like the voice in your head that smooths over the cracks and reassures you. 

Even the bass that comes in to follow the silence in the pre-chorus reminds me of the hasty reassurances we give ourselves, shaking our heads in the hopes that the nagging doubts will fall out, and listing all the reasons the lie is actually the right thing to do. What a cool way to express how we lie to ourselves! And the way that the song ends abruptly and doesn’t give us that final comforting reintroduction of music. Nice.

In my initial analysis of this song I certainly picked up on the dark moodiness of it, but it wasn’t until I considered the lyrics that the music took on a properly ominous edge. It’s really interesting now noticing these story telling details in the music too. 

SINGULARITY EXPLORED: Masterpost | First Impressions | Lyrics 1 | Lyrics 2 | Bittersweet and Sexy

MUSINGS MASTERLIST

[jameseros-blog]

My personal struggle with GD

**Trigger Warning -- talk of genitals, sex, transphobia, and misogyny** This is a vent post about my feelings surrounding my gender dysphoria, how I figured out I almost definitely have it, and why my family would probably think I'm faking because of tucutes making trans people look like clowns. It is unorganized, entirely too long, might not make sense, and I'm positive I'm forgetting big details. I just need to get this off my chest though.

All throughout my life I've hated my body, and even though I could try to blame it on other problems, I had some pretty clear signs of gender dysphoria even before my life got fucked up. It all seemed normal to me though. I could rationalize it. I'm too masculine to fit in with girls; autistic females have a tendency to function on the same social level as neurotypical men. That makes sense. I hate my body; I definitely don't look like the girls I would like to date. That makes sense. I feel like cutting off my female chest and sometimes guiltily wish for a horrible disease that requires its removal; I'm a CSA survivor and was bullied in elementary school for my early development. That makes sense.

In middle school something started to happen that I couldn't explain though. I developed a "phantom penis". It actually felt like I had a fully functioning dick. I asked a guy friend what a boner felt like and he described what I felt perfectly. I never told anyone what I felt though. I just made a joke out of it. Whenever I felt a "hard on" I'd whisper to my friends "Suck my dick" or "My dick is hurting". We constantly made dick jokes so nothing seemed off about it. I liked the feeling of it. It upset me that it wasn't real. The feeling came around less often in high school and I wrote it off as nothing.

The inkling of negative sexual habits was already in place in 4th grade, but I fell into truly self destructive sexual habits in high school. I felt unsatisfied with life and everything regarding my existence. Every day was a chore I could barely manage. I wanted something to fill up how empty my life felt. I started using my tits to get free food in 4th grade. I would tell a couple of guys that I'd show them my tits on the last day of school if they would give me what ever food I wanted from them for the rest of the year. This took place up until 7th grade where they stopped believing me because I never held up my end of the promise. It didn't matter too much though because at this point they were already used to giving me food.

As 8th grade ended I noticed how unnaturally masculine I felt, even more so than before, like it didn't really fit my body. It was getting harder to blame it on my autism. That scared me so I went seeking some sort of validation that I was a woman. I found my first boyfriend. I've never really been one for romance, so our relationship quickly turned into something sexual. The entire thing made me uncomfortable. I hated the whole ordeal. I didn't really find him all that attractive, but I pretended to fairly convincingly. Neither of us wanted to be purely sexual, but it was the only thing I knew how to do so I kept being this sexual creature I hardly liked and barely knew. He broke up with me because we never really talked anymore and when we were together I always ended up sucking his dick. It was fine. I never stayed true to our relationship. I was sending nudes to people on the internet. They made me feel like I was a pretty girl, the kind I fantasized about. I could escape my real self and be someone else on the internet. It always felt like I was catfishing them. I never felt as feminine as I portrayed myself online.

My 10th grade year of high school I dated one of my ex boyfriend's best friends. The same thing happened as my last relationship. I'd try to change how unnaturally male I felt by being in the most misogynisticly feminine role I could think of. The first time I had "real" sex it felt good, but something was off about it. And I don't mean in the "the first time always sucks" kind of way. I'm a firm believer in if you are fully comfortable with a person and you both know each other's boundaries and there isn't any judgment between you, then there won't be anything uncomfortable about sex. We had all these things, but I still felt uncomfortable. Then he went down on me. I had another "phantom dick" moment; I could imagine him sucking me off as if I had a penis. That's when the discomfort ended. I couldn't explain that so I told no one and wrote it off as nothing.

I've always heard mentions of trans people in passing throughout my life. In 3rd grade I heard my friend call another boy a "he-she". When I asked him what that was he said it's a guy who dresses and acts like a girl. In middle school I learned there were surgeries to give males female genitals. In 9th grade my science teacher corrected a girl when she said "they have to cut off their balls and turn their dick inside out" in reference to mtf bottom surgery. I saw an article that same year about a man that gave birth and learned that ftm trans people exist. In that same 9th grade science class a girl mentioned the size of my chest when expressing her desire for bigger breasts. I spilled my guts about how much I hated having them. I realized that it wasn't a natural thing when other big chested girls told me it wasn't nearly as bad as I explained. It confused me that they didn't feel the same. At this point I still didn't know what GD was or what it actually meant to be trans.

I started to watch Blaire White. That set me on the path of finding more and more trans YouTubers. I connected to them in ways I didn't really understand. I felt less like an alien while watching their videos. I never connected this to my being trans though. They all had the same story of knowing when they were young. I never questioned my identity when I was young. I always just existed. When I look back at it I think I honestly should have questioned myself. If I weren't autistic I probably would have.

When I was young, about 4 or 5, it was the easiest thing in the world for me to just drop everything about being a girl so I could become James. This was done after hearing my dad say he wished he had a son. I insisted I was James for almost a year. Now that I'm older my nana has told me my dad was worried I might actually be trans and he didn't want me getting bullied when I go to school. He died when I was 5 or 6; this explains something that I'll touch on later.

Even after the James phase ended I prided myself on my masculine tendencies. I was proud to be "basically the son" of the family and "basically the brother" of my sisters. With my step dad we would make jokes about having a "guys night out". I would even try to dress as boyish as possible to get mistaken as a boy. One time I cried when a boy told me "I know you're a girl". When I found out girls could have beards I was extremely jealous and was confused by the fact I couldn't grow one. I've always hated long hair I always wanted it cut short in a boy's haircut. In middle school my friends told me I write like a guy as an insult, but I thought it was a genuine compliment. I've always had an obsession with extreme body modification. The idea that I could escape my body and look however I want was always appealing to me.

When I was young I held the belief that my thoughts and personality were exactly the same as a boy's. That was the reason I preferred to hang with guys. That was why I would feel happy when I was described as one of the guys. It was why I didn't connect with girls the same way as guys. When I was diagnosed with autism, I thought it explained why I felt like an alien among other girls, and why I fit perfectly with guys, and why my thoughts were so male to me. When I learned what GD was, it fit me too, but I thought I couldn't have it cause I didn't recognize it when I was young. Then I started watching the podcast 'You're So Brave' hearing the way they found out they were trans hit closer to home than any other time I heard stories of people discovering they're trans. I was still very iffy on if I had GD or not though. Kovu uploaded a video recently it basically sealed my belief that I have GD. I decided to list off all the ways I wish I could look. The look I created is absurdly masculine; tall, hairy, tatted, and rough. I couldn't be exactly that though. I'm far too short. Besides I'm not as one dimensional as that. I love the elegance of romantic goths and muted pastels are my favorite aesthetic. I love crop tops and even dresses. I'm very effeminate for a man. A lot of people hate on gnc trans guys, but honestly I relate to them hard. I'm still not 100 percent sure of my gender though. The only thing I know for sure is that I need my female chest gone.

Before I even started to question myself, I've heard my step dad's opinion on trans people. "There is no such thing as a third gender! I don't understand why these trans people keep trying to push this idea!" he says in reference to a completely binary trans woman who only wants to be seen as a woman and not a third gender. I defend them by saying the vast majority of trans people are completely binary, don't believe in three genders, and want to be fully recognized as the gender they transition to. He continues to think tucutes are the only kind of trans people there are and generalizes all trans people saying they all have the "76 genders" ideology. He thinks all trans women are instantly recognizable by their adam's apple despite the fact there is a reduction surgery and lots of cis women have prominent adam's apples. I won't even try to bring up non binary people to him. He'd never understand. My mom has backed him up on this multiple times. I can't come out to them. It's too dangerous. My step dad is a violent man that gets into lots of fights. (He's never hit me or my family; don't worry.) He has threatened to kick me out before and I know he and my mom have seriously considered it within the last year. I don't know if me coming out could result in my homelessness.

You may be thinking "You're 18, just move out." To that I say: I absolutely would, if I could. I'm autistic. It's a disability that leaves me unable to drive and makes it difficult to maintain a job. Not to mention no one has prepared me for living alone. I have a friend I could go to, but I don't want to live somewhere and not be able to give back to them in some way.

All I really want is to know for sure whether I have gender dysphoria or not. The only problem with that is all of the gender therapist in my area (deep south Alabama) have practices that sound eerily similar to conversion therapy. Even if I do come out and move in with my friend, I won't be able to get therapy or a diagnosis.

[ncfan-1]

ncfan listens to The Magnus Archives: S1 EP011 (’Dreamer) & EP012 (‘First Aid’)

In which I have a lot of questions, and I feel like I’m not the only one.

No spoilers, please!

EP 011: ‘Dreamer’

- The imagery of this organism like a strangling vine choking the city is nice and visceral and creepy.

- So we’ve established that there’s a limit to what sort of cases the Institute will take on. It’s nice to establish this. I do wonder about stuff like that in series like this, because if the Institute treated seriously every fever dream they were told about, they’d never get any work done.

- “I know how that sounds.” Yeah, if someone said that to me, the first thing I’d assume is, uh, very different from what you’re telling us, Antonio Blake.

- Wait, Antonio’s ex is named Graham? I… I compared the statement dates of this one and ‘Across the Street’, and I think this is in the right timeframe to be right around the time Graham from that episode was replaced by not-Graham. Obviously, if this is referring to a different Graham (and yeah, I know I said not to rely on coincidences, but I think the same given name isn’t as much of a link as the same surname would be, unless the surname was, like Smith or Jones or Patel) I’m following the wrong thread, but if it is the same Graham, then wow, there’s some nasty subtext to that breakup.

Of course, I’m not sure this is the same Graham we’re talking about. Graham Folger had such a pervasive air of isolation around him that it stretches my suspension of disbelief a little to believe he had a boyfriend. But I suppose it would explain why he was often out of his flat, and it’s not like having a boyfriend would have helped him much when he was at home. Alone.

- I winced when Antonio detailed how he didn’t wake up from the dream when he fell from the roof of Canary Wharf, and didn’t wake up when he experienced the phantom pain of the landing. I’m terrified of heights, and the mere act of dream-falling would have been enough to wake me—and indeed, I think it would have been for most people, if they’re having normal dreams. But this isn’t a normal dream.

- I wonder if Antonio’s fear of taking the elevator up to the twenty-third floor is supposed to be indicative of a premonition involving an elevator malfunction.

- So the death of the head archivist at the Magnus Institute triggers some catastrophic change in supernatural activity in London? Or was there some drastic change, and the Institute—and Gertrude—was at the epicenter of it?

- “And the bridge was knotted high with the flashing vines.” I checked, and a cursory search with a few different search phrases didn’t show me any statistics that indicate that a statistically large amount of people jump from London Bridge in suicide attempts each year. If this was taking place in San Francisco and we were talking about the Golden Gate Bridge, I’d have no doubt that that’s what the vines are about there, but here, I’m not as certain. It might be a combination of suicides and car crashes, or, if the vines have been accumulating for centuries, it could just be the accumulated deaths of centuries upon the structure.

- The Magnus Institute, as described… is not entirely dissimilar from my own workplace in appearance. My workplace being a combination of administrative offices and archive for a local heritage center. Where I work as an assistant archivist. …You might see why this disturbs me a bit.

- And now Jonathan suddenly has so many questions. As he should. I can understand his gut response being to assume that it was a prank, and can equally understand his being freaked out upon discovering that no, this was probably not a prank.

- So Jonathan doesn’t know exactly what happened to Gertrude, and didn’t even know she was dead when he got the job? His comment about asking if she was available to give him some job training, I think, confirms something I was wondering about—whether or not he had a great deal of experience as an archivist before this. He sounds fairly young when he’s reading the statements (and when he gives his assessment of them it almost sounds like he’s trying to make himself sound older than he really is) and his seeming inability to understand that it would be better to get the hard copies of the files in chronological order before trying to digitize or record them were making me wonder. Jonathan, buddy? I hate to say this, but unless you pull some archiving info out of your head to wow me, your assistants may be better at this than you are. Yes, even Martin. Possibly especially Martin, given that he seems to have been working with the Archive in some capacity since 2010.

- Yeah, Elias sounds sketchy.

- So Tim’s the only one of the assistants you trust not to pull a prank on you? I guess I’ll have to file Tim away as the serious one.

- “But if anyone comes in ranting about dreaming my death, then I very much want to hear about it.” I’m just trying to imagine Jonathan’s possible conversation with Elias after this. Especially considering how high-strung he seems to be.

Jonathan: Hey, I just read a statement about some guy predicting Gertrude Robinson’s death in a dream. Elias: Don’t worry about it. Jonathan: But the statement is dated to just before she died. Elias: Dude, it’s not your business. Jonathan: It’s not my— You didn’t even tell me how she died! She could have overdosed on heroin at my desk for all I know! What else aren’t you telling me? Elias: Don’t worry about it. You know it’s all head-in-the-sand management around here—or did you not figure that out when I dumped you in a disorganized Archive filled with thousands of incomplete case files that hadn’t been organized according to any system, with only three assistants and no other help, and without giving you the slightest warning about the way Gertrude was running the place? I mean, if that didn’t tip you off that I’ve got no interest in giving you guidance of any kind, then I really don’t think there’s any hope for you. Jonathan: *not-so-internal screaming*

Friendly reminder that this is the kind of assignment that can make people start fantasizing about killing their boss.

EP 012: ‘First Aid’

- Yeah, so I have a new favorite episode. Already. I know; I’m fickle.

- I can speak to emergency rooms never really being empty, no matter the time of night. I had to go into the emergency room at three in the morning, once, and it was in a small hospital in a rural area, and me and my parents still weren’t the only ones in the emergency room. It wasn’t full by any stretch of the imagination—again, small hospital in a rural area—but there were other people there. There was also an asshole doctor who didn’t want to take seriously the idea that I was in any real pain or medical danger, despite the fact that my lower lip had swollen to about five size its normal size and was starting to split open and leak pus.

- So we see the weirdness start to infect the hospital early with the too-quiet waiting room.

- It occurred to me that for the two men to have been burned everywhere on their body (the older truly everywhere, and the younger everywhere below his neck where there wasn’t a tattoo), they also had second-degree burns on their genitals. I flinch in sympathy, no matter what these two were getting up to that led to the burns.

- Oh, look, Jared Key’s back! I’m sure that won’t be important at all.

- I do wonder what happened that the burns stopped at his neck.

- And Jared has been tied to eye imagery again. My Tolkien roots are showing, but I am reminded a bit of the Lidless Eye, always watching.

- The bit about everyone in the hospital apart from the patients too ill to be moved disappearing (and later shown to all get up at the same time and file outside to parts and for reasons unknown) is pretty creepy. I do wonder how the patients who could get up and go outside fared, considering it was December in Britain, where it tends to snow at that time of year.

- “It sounded like… the growl of an animal, a rolling, angry sound, and I realized that the floor was shaking ever so slightly.” What was going on with the vending machine could potentially account for this, but I also like the idea of the slowly creeping horror, invisibly stalking the halls of the hospital.

- “And then I saw it. […] But I now saw that the one on the left, a clear-fronted machine that stocked bottled soft drinks, was shaking violently. As I got nearer, I saw why. In every bottle, in every row of the machine, the drinks appeared to be violently boiling. Cokes and lemonades and fruit juices shook and bubble, before one by one, the bottles exploded, coating the inside of the clear plastic front with liquid that still kept steaming and hissing. It couldn’t have taken more than thirty seconds for all of them to pop.”

One: great description. Two: I wonder what the people who restock the vending machines made of this.

- Jared is just as ambiguous a figure in this episode as he was in ‘Page Turner.’ His actions in the events of the episode itself are beneficial to the narrator—it’s possible that he saved both of their lives—but he’s clearly caught up in the affairs of things moving just beyond our ability to see them. Things that are not benevolent. He doesn’t come off as being malicious in personality, but he’s still caught up in a lot of shady shit. And we’ve seen him kill at least once, possibly at least twice if he killed his mother and didn’t just skin her after she voluntarily committed suicide.

- “Something told me if there was a coherent explanation for everything that had happened since the ambulance arrived, then I would be no better off for knowing it.” What, no, listen, Lesere, this is absolutely the time to be asking questions.

- “Better beholding than the lightless flame.” Something to file away, I guess.

- I hope we get more information about Jared later.

- Jared was released into the care of his mother? Wasn’t Mary already dead by this point? Let me check ‘Page Turner.’ *checks ‘Page Turner’* Okay, the events of the episode take place in December 2011, and Mary turned up dead in 2008. So what, is she not really dead? Is the ghost Jared summoned with ‘Key of Solomon’ able to move around outside of their old bookstore/house? Was that someone pretending to be Jared’s mother? Well, at least now I know what Jared meant when he said he’d had worse burns than the ones you get picking up a super-heated metal trashcan.

- And now Lesere feels like she’s being watched. Lady, if I was you, I’d be more concerned by that.

- Yeah, where did they all go? Because the patients who could walk went outside, too, and I feel like standing in your bare feet in the snow for fifteen minutes would be injurious.

- “The feed cuts out for less than a second, and is replaced for a single frame, by a close-up of a human eye staring back through the video feed.” Yeah, that’s… that’s not good. You don’t want these sorts of things to take notice of you.

[aerielart]

I Guess It’s Got Something to Do With You - A Shindeku College AU

Chapter 5 -  All of Your Flaws

Izuku is not having a great day, and it's only made worse when he runs into a certain someone he never wanted to see again. Luckily, another certain someone is there to help him get his mind off of things.

Izuku was not having a great day.

He had not been able to stop worrying about Todoroki since he finally said goodbye to him the previous evening. He’d just seemed so… upset, as he usually was when the topic of his father came up. Hurt, frustrated, lost. Angry. Izuku couldn’t say he didn’t share his sentiments. His friend never outwardly showed it, but Izuku had known him long enough to see the signs. It was obvious he hadn’t been paying any attention whatsoever to what Izuku was saying, and when he did he only responded with clipped, single word responses and grunts.

It was not the first time Izuku had seriously considered going to the Todoroki residence and giving that repulsive excuse for a man a piece of his mind. Again. Because it had gone so well the first time. But that was a story for a different day.

As a result, he was distracted all day with thoughts of how he was holding up, and maybe a little tired from staying over so long. Rather than scribbling down notes in class like usual, his pencil tapped a rapid staccato on his notebook while he sort of stared off into space. He was unable to focus long enough to take in anything that the professor was saying because everything around him was just so loud and the fluorescent lights were just so bright and can’t everything just stop for a little while, please? His leg joined in with its own measured beat, sole slapping on the floor, and he shrank in his seat when the people around him noticed and started staring.

He wasn’t stupid. He recognized his anxiety spiking when he saw it, like a little meter above his head that was warning him that it was time to get away and decompress.

When his last class for that day ended up being released early due to some minor emergency, he vaguely felt like he should feel bad about it, but he could only be relieved. He lingered behind as everyone else filed out so that he could drag himself from his seat and out the door with as much solitude as he could get.

What an absolutely awful couple of days… He was just so glad that it was finally over.

For a while he just wandered aimlessly around the grounds, hoping that the fresh air would do him some good and that maybe he could expel some of this extra energy in his legs. It had finally cooled off some after a near week-long heat wave so everybody was outside today, taking advantage of the good weather by lounging under the trees on the large lawn near the building or just walking and talking. There was even a light breeze that was ruffling his hair. He couldn’t help but feel out of place within the picturesque scene. He should have been enjoying it, too; normally he loved this kind of weather, but his frazzled brain had other ideas.

In the end being outside, even by himself, proved to be too much for him at the moment. His body had turned to lead, and his already sensitive ears seemed to pick up every bump, rustle, and shout around him and seemed to magnify them tenfold, even though he knew that just wasn’t the case.  

Out of nowhere he was struck with the sudden and dire urge to take a nap.

At some point, he started turning in the direction of the dorms. Well, more like his feet started leading him towards the dorms and he was just dragged along for the ride. He had some extra time now that class was cancelled, maybe he could…

“Oh no way, hey Midoriya!”

Or maybe not…

He immediately recognized the voice; it was Ashido, on her way back to her own building, no doubt. This must be when she normally got out and he hadn’t ran into her yet because he was normally in class at this time.

Well, as much as he wanted - needed, really - to go and have some time sequestered away in his room, he could work himself up to be social for a few seconds. Just say hey back, exchange a few pleasantries, and then he could be on his way. No big deal. Pushing and prodding his face muscles into what he hoped was an acceptable smile, he turned around.

Only for his carefully crafted facade to crumble as soon as he saw who she was with.

Why did he and Katsuki keep meeting like this? And why was he with Ashido of all people? The sight was… unexpected. Because Izuku didn’t really have another more adequate word to describe how strange and out of place it was seeing the bright and cheerful smile of his friend’s roommate paired with Katsuki’s usual unimpressed glares. So that was how he had been invited to Jirou’s party, then. Or maybe they had met there? Either way, this was the last thing that Izuku wanted to be dealing with right now.

At least Katsuki seemed to share his sentiments. He was looking between Izuku and Mina with an incredulous raise of his brows, as if he, too, was surprised at the fact that they had a mutual acquaintance. It would figure that the first time they had seen eye to eye on anything since third grade was about how much they didn’t want to see each other.

He was reminded that they weren’t alone when Ashido left Katsuki’s side and barreled on over to Izuku, seemingly oblivious to the tense standoff going on over her shoulder. “Hey there Midori! What a coincidence! I’m surprised that we haven’t run into each other on campus before now!”

For a moment, Izuku was just surprised at being referred to with a nickname like ‘Midori.’ But then he gave another glance over Mina’s shoulder at where Katsuki was making his approach, and the urge to rebuff her with some excuse for being late for something or other hit him hard. In the end his good manners won out over his discomfort. “Ah, yeah. Normally I’m in class right now. We got out early.”

“Aw, lucky,” Ashido replied.

Izuku couldn’t say he agreed. It was starting to seem more like a curse than a blessing.

Katsuki had finally reached them now, and he had schooled his face into an impassive frown that somehow managed to be even more intimidating. At least when he was glaring at him Izuku could figure out what he was feeling, but an unreadable Katsuki was an unpredictable Katsuki  and an unpredictable Katsuki was nerve-racking.

“Oh, this is Bakugou!” Mina piped up again, still blissfully unaware of Izuku’s inner turmoil as she prattled on. “Bakugou, this is Midoriya!”

Katsuku just rolled his eyes at that, and Izuku was surprised to find them agreeing a second time.

Being under his judgemental gaze made Izuku feel like he was a scrawny fourteen year old all over again. Taunts of ‘loser’ and ‘worthless’ and ‘Deku’ played in his head against his will in a voice that was not his own and he felt phantom hands grab his arms hard enough to leave bruises and he hated how much power that he apparently still held over him. This was ridiculous. Izuku thought that he was done being pushed around by Bakugou Katsuki. He thought he was done dealing with him at all when he left for college, but clearly that was just a pipe dream. Katsuki was here, and he wasn’t leaving his life any time soon.

And yet, even though it was clear that he was about as thrilled to see Izuku as Izuku was to see him, he hadn’t… done anything. There were no snide insults or passive aggressive comments. He just seemed… annoyed, really; maybe for having his time wasted with this little detour, and suddenly Izuku was pulled back into the present and reminded that they were adults now. It had been three, nearly four years since his interaction with Katsuki had gone beyond awkward run-ins in the hall in high school or at the party. Of course he wasn’t going to be that same person. Izuku definitely wasn’t. He never gave up his insulting nickname, not to mention his surly attitude, but Izuku supposed that as many things had to change, some had to stay the same.

Maybe this was an opportunity. An opportunity for the closure that Izuku had wanted so bad but never got the chance to receive, and to let old, festering wounds begin to heal.

An opportunity for a truce.

Izuku knew that Katsuki was much too proud to extend the olive branch first, so it was up to him.

Taking a deep breath and putting on his most winning smile, he said, “Yeah. Hello, Katsuki. How have you been?”

Katsuki just turned his nose up at him like he was a bad smell. “Don’t call me that.”

The olive branch withered and turned to ash in Izuku’s hands, bringing his smile along with it.

Maybe not.

It was then that Ashido seemed to finally key in on the tension hanging in the air like smoke. She blinked, looking at Katsuki in surprise. “Oh, you… know each other…?”

Oh, they knew each other all right. Izuku grimaced, fighting desperately for a way out of this exceedingly uncomfortable situation while social niceties and anxiety kept him rooted in place. Now that Mina had picked up on it too, nobody else really seemed to know what to say either, and they were seemingly stuck at a standstill.

Read the rest on Ao3!