#he might seem like he's always working
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i feel like i always write goro working and never relaxing
#this applies to ji too but ji is less likely to relax#goro on the other hand does#he might seem like he's always working#but at least one of him is relaxing or casually working#he spends a lot of time at different clubs he owns and bars#as well as luxury places and smoking cigars in his office#he likes to have a private drink and smoke with intimate company#he also has lovers#and 'friends' but they're more associates that he has a drink with#most are human btw#if not all#he really enjoys the company of humans and that is why he works with them the most#technically in my canon he's one of the few big like supernatural entities if not the only one outside of deng and ji hun but#for rp sake i like the variety
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Two former military elites taking merc jobs perform absolutely hellish battle tactics together.
#ffxiv#digital art#zenos yae galvus#estinien wyrmblood#adventurer zenos#I will always adore this duo conceptually#because like- socially theyre that aragorn-geralt brooding in a corner of a tavern meme#but in combat they are absolutely terrifying#the azure dragoon and the super soldier legatus are here to fuck up a poachers day#aka zenos is about to crossmap someone's airship cause he knows estinien cant make himself jump that far#why have him try to jump when he can just Olympic-level javelin toss this man#also guys#my dudes#all this time I've been working on adven!zenos being a tank#I... have realized I just write him like a warrior who isnt carrying a weapon- sturdy unkillableness and countering and all#I am only a little bit of a dumbass but orogeny just seems to live in my head rent free#it also gave me the terrifying concept of- after spending time with the scions and after the ultimatum-#of him trying to learn more about dynamis- and zenos being zenos starts learning eventually how to harness it#local calm apathetic man can berserk on command because he's a lot angrier/more expressive inwardly than most people expect#depending on how I look into it- it might be how he fuels most of his shinryu transformations but I'll have to work on it more#but ANYWAYS#I love the thought of these two hunting and working together#and estinien being tossed being turned into a tactic#especially with proper form#this is something ive wanted to draw for a very long time and im very happy I actually have the skill to do so now
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One thing I like about Stolas is that he learns, and then he takes action of his own accord. He's not stagnant. Sure, he can be a bit oblivious and lost in his own head, but once he's finally informed that there is a problem he always makes a real effort to reflect on it and then do something about it.
We see it as early as Loo Loo Land, where he misses all the cues that Octavia is upset, but once she actually tells him what's wrong he immediately reassures her. He then promptly leaves with her, asks her what she wants to do instead, and takes her there despite not understanding the appeal. His focus is on her the whole time from the moment he finds her crying. He even carries her like she's a small child again the entire way back to the van, and she lets him because physical comfort is something she needs and he knows it.
We see it again after Ozzie's, where Blitz is finally honest about his belief that Stolas wants him for nothing but sex. After a night of heavy drinking, he immediately starts to reflect on things and comes to the correct conclusion that their deal needs to end, because in hindsight Blitz didn't seem happy or like he was having a good time like Stolas previously assumed, and then he tries to find Blitz a way to stay in business without relying on him. He gets a little side tracked because of the divorce, but he never gives up on getting Blitz an Asmodean Crystal, even when it requires him to wait several hours in Asmodeus' waiting room fresh out of the hospital.
We also see it in Apology Tour, where he reflects in his song and starts to realize that his behavior early on wasn't taken as him being cute and playful like he intended, but pushy and overbearing. Despite how Blitz hurt and yelled at him both that morning and the night before, he acknowledges that it wasn't malicious and doesn't try to put the blame for things going wrong on Blitz, although he doesn't yet realize that it's not because Blitz doesn't care, it's because he cares too much and is scared of that.
Stolas is learning and changing, but it's a slow process. It comes in pieces. Which is generally how it goes in real life, too. People don't usually change overnight, it can take years and years to fully unlearn bad behaviors and do better, but fuck if he isn't trying.
He needs problems spelled out for him though. He's been extremely sheltered and socially isolated his whole life, and there are a lot of things pointing to him being autistic as well. He's going to miss or misinterpret things that are just implied, there's simply no getting around that. For example, he was never going to realize that there are problems with how he treats imps in general without prompting, because that's been normalized for him and he's high enough on the food chain that almost no one is going to correct his unconscious bigotry. That is, until Blitz, who is perhaps the only person of a lower class Stolas knows who's not intimated by him in the slightest (other than Striker, who was torturing him at the time, which is yet another trauma barrier that will make it hard for him to reconcile with his racism/classism), tells him in a fit of rage.
I'm sure he'll reflect on Blitz's words and what they mean about how he acts when it's not less than 24 hours since he got his heart smashed to pieces. I don't know about you guys, but I know firsthand that the humiliation and betrayal he likely felt after having his feelings mocked not once, but twice (first on accident, but the next very much on purpose. Oh Blitz, the self-sabotage is so painful to see) take a little while to get over. Let him reflect on how his over-enthusiasm had him running roughshod over Blitz first for a bit, which he's already in the process of doing, then when things aren't so fresh he'll be in a better headspace to consider his overarching biases.
And from a narrative standpoint, the fact that it's taking a while for him to work through everything is a good thing. Expecting him to just Know Better is unrealistic and would cheapen his character arc. He's fighting to do better for the people he loves despite his trauma and implicit biases making that hard for him, and if he is autistic then there are just some things he will always struggle with, like reading social cues. But for any of his improvement to feel satisfying for the viewers then it has to move at a reasonable pace, and unfortunately that kind of change takes time. It's difficult, but he's actually doing a pretty good job so far. He's making a real effort to fix his behavior. But you gotta be patient, he's basically fumbling blindly through this alone.
Anyway, I just really love that, slowly but surely, he's learning. He's not being babied by the narrative or the creators, he's holding himself accountable and changing himself for the better. If you want realistic characters with nuance and depth then you have to let them actually act in the messy, imperfect ways real people do. This is true for Blitz and his character arc as well, but that's for a whole other post.
#helluva boss#stolas goetia#text post#meta#my post#long post#it's one thing to say he has issues he needs to address and work through#because he does#oh boy does he ever#but it's quite another to say he never learns and keeps making the same mistakes over and over#because he doesn't!#he might take a bit to notice there's an issue in the first place but he *always* works to do better once he does notice#give the poor guy some slack; he's doing the best he can with the limited knowledge and self-help tools he has#what he really needs is therapy and better meds because his don't seem to be working like they should even at a high dose#but that's highly unlikely to happen
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idk if it's a fun fact or not but! Right's favorite color is green. He never wears green but it's his favorite color. then I've been working on silly emotes for my OCs and they're "disappointeddad" and "tryme".
(Also there is an AU where these two are knights along with Paul and Evelyn while Brent/Caspian/Atticus are princes. Chris is basically Caspian's personal guard while Right just runs around trying to do everything to stay busy even when not on duty which stresses Chris out. But since he's kinda busy with the crown prince it defaults to Paul having to babysit Right.)
#my characters#oops i fell in love#genuinely shocked ocs has such a high percentage on the poll i did NOT expect that#bu this isn't even due to that it is just starting to get stormy and im just.... gonna have to shut down soon#and was craving chris today#so he gets an emote and also another doodle with right#bc i dont draw them together enough and that right there was the closest he had to a friend in his mind before brent#like chris was SO proud to be the one right would vent to bc that meant he was trusted AND not the reason right is angry#then hes like oops gotta swing by work on my off day and this is a problem because dottr#so he brings his SWEET LIL GIRL into work who immediately decides right is the nicest person ever and she loves him#and chris is like please anyone but him#but alas he loves his daughter and he adores his work children (p much everyone else) so he allows angel#also fwiw karen is not actually as much of a physical menace as it might seem#like sure she craves the murder as a warlock in a fictional setting but she honestly is v gentle#she might push and shove at paul some times but thats bc thats basically family and then#she just cuddles up next to him when sleepy at a bar bc they always sit next to each other#and it shocks no one to see her falling asleep on him and she is just a usually patient person !#but come on right is a menace verbally and she can only put up with so much until he stops being such a dick
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oh right i forgot to post this here
#anyways! more 'the eyebrows are a scar/birthmark of some kind' headcanons#in my mind i think sanji might b the only crew member who actually spends ages fussing abt their appearance#ik most people would say nami takes the lead on that but tbh she seems more like a 'slap on mascara at most and GO' type of person#meanwhile sanji has a full makeup kit on standby + flat irons his hair at like 3:30 every single morning. dude's bangs are fried as all hel#nobody can take a piss break when they swap watch shifts in the early morning bc he's just In The Fucking Bathroom Always#tbh this is more an attempt at figuring out why sanji doesn't have his scar in the LA than anything else#but if im being real here idk how tf they work in canon either. this is the best i've got lmao#one piece#op#opla#one piece live action#sanji#one piece sanji#black leg sanji#illustration#artists on tumblr#nettillust#wip#art
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Gwaynston soulmates au, where are they… not soulmates. the universe didn't choose them for each other. none of them blindly dissolves into the other, their characters do not fit perfectly, like a folded puzzle, they do not have a special connection in which they understand each other without words, their experiences are different and their worldviews are not identical. but despite a lot of squabbles and misunderstandings at the beginning, they continue to stick together, they make efforts to make it work. This is not like a linear journey where there is a clear exposition-beginning-culmination-end. It is a winding path with many potholes on the road. but the love that fills their hearts, the realization that they are someone's priority, the sense that they are not alone in this world and the desire to share every moment with this person and no one else, makes all the hard work they do worthwhile. because the universe didn't choose them for each other, but they did.
#No it's far from sad if it seemed that way#they are simply deprived of cheat codes and forced to work as if in a realistic relationship (it is)#and this only makes their bond stronger because it was their conscious choice#the relationship of two mature people who do not want the past to define their common present#Because I think Criston might have had a sad experience with a soulmate.#Gwayne looks like someone who has never believed in this concept secretly worried that he did not meet his own#They start out as forced allies who have looked at each other and decided that they want to fight for it#Gwayne learns to give in#and Criston who always sacrifices himself for the interests of others learns to accept and put himself in an equal position#(because excessive sacrifice also tends to spill over into toxicity)#gwayston#gwaynston#criston x gwayne#gwayne hightower#criston cole#hotd#house of the dragon#my post
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some Gabimarus to test out a new art tablet!
#gabimaru#I love that he always seems to look like That#my tiny tablet still works but the cable casing is broken & you can see the wires inside#I thought about replacing it with like an Investment tablet esp because art is so important in my life#but I love how portable a smaller tablet is & I had this sense a fancy tablet might introduce pressure to make...#Fancy art#and I'm not made of money anyway so for now I just got a slightly bigger version of the same thing & I love it#the cord is even detachable so if it breaks in the same way I can just replace the cord
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Note to self: word prayers better when doing divinatory sessions
I think I've mentioned this before, but I do yes/no stone pulls on Sundays to ask for guidance about maintaining my health re: my commute because it's 2-2.5 hours each way via public transit if everything runs on time. It's rough on me in multiple ways and can lead to even more migraines than usual or being too fatigued to work at all, and it can be difficult to tell whether I'll have the spoons to go in person.
This past Sunday I was exhausted & stressed because of, you know, the horrors, and said my initial prayer a little differently than I usually do. I still invoked Apollo and Hermes as always, as both of them cover divination by lots, Apollo's domain covers health & disease, and he's the one I turn to for divination by default.
Now, the vast majority of the guidance and lessons Apollo has given have had to do with recognizing my physical & mental limits, especially around this issue. The answers I was getting this time around were...odd but not quite in the way they have been with just dud pulls, so I started asking clarifying questions to figure out what was going on. After a few - establishing that there was a reason for the answers but it wasn't a test or punishment or Apollo messing with me (which would have been. odd) - I realized that while I'd invoked Hermes as a god of divination by lots alongside Apollo, I had not explicitly asked him to act as a messenger and aid in communication this time around, nor had I asked Apollo to guide the divination session with the wording I usually use.
I think you can see where I'm going with this.
I re-said the prayer (correctly this time) and confirmed that it was, in fact, Hermes at first while re-doing the initial set of questions (which were much more consistent in the usual way), as well as confirming that the issue was the prayer wording. Lesson learned lol
#full transparency: shortly after the initial set of re-do questions i had a panic attack/meltdown (b/c of. again. the Horrors)#that was made worse by the third part of the session (some questions i thought to ask after the re-dos) being a dud#i did another pull wednesday morning after i had had a couple days to recover & the biggest stressor was over with#& i felt ready to re-engage with it#(& also knew that not clarifying the last part of the pull would make the Everything worse)#and i asked about each section (hermes -> commute question re-do -> the Bad Times questions)#and got *another* confirmation that it was actually hermes at first & that the middle section was accurate and (thankfully) that#the last one was not#i check my work *thoroughly* b/c tangible external things like divination are the most reliable things i have#b/c i cant always trust internal cues#coriander says#helpol#apollo#apollon#hermes#hellenic pagan#hellenic polytheism#hellenic community#divination#also! to be clear! ymmv when worshipping/working with/etc. deities#just b/c this was my experience doesnt mean this will be your experience!#also also. i personally dont believe all of the gods might do the sort of thing hermes did. he's a trickster god#which is why the possibility that it was him was on my radar in the first place#apollo doesnt have trickster aspects afaik (i could be wrong!) so it seemed off. and hermes wasnt. like. *impersonating* apollo#i didnt ask explicitly who it was at first b/c that's not a necessary part of my process- you dont *need* to clarify by default in helpol#& now that i know why it happened i can avoid the situation in the future & have a data point to compare to in case it *does* happen again
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At least the moon will keep him company in the dead of night
#micas art#twst#twisted wonderland#malleus draconia#a little bit of context for this:#this is based on my headcanon that malleus suffers from insomnia#there is something weirdly isolating and lonely about the night#when the world gets quiet and cold and dark and you feel like the only moving breathing thing in it#what could he do but wait for it to pass on his own?#its no ones burden to bear but his own and hes not some child who needs to be coddled to sleep#(but maybe. just maybe on the nights where it gets particularly bad he might crave a soft hand to gently comb through his hair)#(hes seem lilia do it countless times for silver when he was little. the memory always makes his bed feel a little bit colder)#also for anyone curious (and bc im unsure i drew it very well) the flower is a white chrysanthemum!#i definitely need to practice flowers more#but uwauuuuughkg this piece was so draining to work on. it gave me so much trouble and im still not completely sold on it#still hope it will resonate with people and that you can all enjoy it!!
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anyone else seeing some distasteful kurt busch dwi takes or is it just me
#like don't get me wrong... it's bad. he had a LOT in his system and he shouldn't have been driving#but oh my god...#calling him disgusting?#when (if you take like 5 minutes to look) a lot of his fans seem to think he might have a drinking problem...?#I don't know anything about the guy honestly. he could be the worst person in nascar or a literal saint. it doesn't matter#I just think it's weird for people to hop on their soap boxes to publicly decry him worthless for this#like you don't have to like him to not be condescending to addicts??#holy shittt#it's truly awful#and it's coming from a LOT of ''left leaning'' accounts I follow too. sad.#like sure you want to help alcoholics/addicts but do you show compassion.#instead of ''this is disgusting I am repulsed by [man I don't know]'s actions''#how about you try ''wow this is disappointing but I really hope he seeks help for both the community and his sake''#otherwise your comments are just performative bullshit#addicts shouldn't have to read your garbage and shame themselves into healing.#cause yknow that doesn't always fucking work. sometimes it makes them want to harm themselves MORE.#because if they're already so terrible how can they live sober/clean?!#so maybe shut the fuck up.#anyway. you can socially condemn things without trying to humiliate addicts and potential addicts who are ultimately#victims of their condition.#sincerely. the son and grandson of several addicts.#P.S. THIS POST IS NOT SAYING ADDICTS ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. NOWHERE DO I SAY THAT.#ok bye
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swifties’ beef with people who have supposedly wronged taylor is so funny to me cause it’s like on one end of the spectrum one dude stole her entire body of work and one dude emotionally manipulated her and their relationship when she was 19 and on the other end of the spectrum there’s her boyfriend of 6 years she parted amicably with and a girl who can’t even legally drink alcohol in the united states like it’s all so unserious be so fucking real
#BUT ITS ALL TREATED WITH THE SAME SEVERITY#and i think it’s different when people are like yeah it seems they might have beef or this is interesting#but people literally put situations like the one with olivia rodrigo at the same level of that with scooter like it’s all so silly and rid#*ridiculous’#*!#me and my keyboard are struggling#also i can’t base my perception of a person based off of something i THINK my favorite artist (who i don’t know) might THINK about them#if olivia rodrigo had been like actually i don’t even know what she could’ve been like to make me hate her the way eveeyone seems to#(even though taylor has talked at length how traumatizing that experience can be at such a young age but whatever)#and people always bring up the conan grey not listening to midnights but he was literally touring at the time 😭#and almost every single person i’ve ever talked to who tours or works on a touring crew has said#it’s incredibly difficult to listen to new music especially new albums while touring#and especially if it’s an artist they love they want to give it consideration but like i said this whole situation#is so silly! oh you’re not gonna listen to her album because of taylor??? respectfully grow up!#i’m just so tired of seeing this discourse everywhereeeeeeeeeeee#anyway alkakakakakdkd#eris: text
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Alright I'm gonna stop talking about Big Mama before I get even more sidetracked-
This is your free ticket to info dump about any au or piece of lore (Of course, you can do this whenever, but personally I find it helpful to know someone wants to hear me infodump.)
-🔮🕸
*claps hands excitedly because I LOVE infodumping*
Okay, so one of the important things to the Draxum raises the turtles AU is that they all end up going to a yokai school, right? There's a specific reason Draxum picked the school he did for them: he used to teach there. For several decades, actually, and he was a reasonably popular and well respected professor up until he suddenly quit without an explanation. He went from being fairly involved in the community, if a little withdrawn, to basically disappearing, and no one really knows why. (What happened is that he discovered the prophecy that yokai would be destroyed and knew he had to do something about it. It became his sole focus.)
It isn't until he shows up one day to enroll four children in the next semester's classes that he gets involved with the school again, and the rumors start flying.
#asks#bambi's rambling#rottmnt#rottmnt au#draxum raises the turtles au#mcmt au#minor interference au#<- the history is gonna be relevant in chapter 20 of that fic#rottmnt baron draxum#rottmnt fanfiction#i always thought it was interesting how canon never shows draxum interacting with many other yokai#he talks to his gargoyles big mama and the council of heads (and a convo between him and the bounty hunters is referenced)#and like he's trying to save the yokai that's obvious. but he doesn't seem to have many actual connections?#something about him just seems so lonely and disconnected#and you know what's more fun to write than a character who has no connections? one who cut himself off :)#so i like to think that he actually had a lot of ties within yokai society and just. gave them up for his work#partly because it's massively illegal and he doesn't want people finding out#but also because he know that they might try to convince him to stop#and he's so determined to save his people that he's willing to cut his friends off for it
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Sometimes I just look at Isabeau and just know that if isat came out and I got into it when I was like 16 he would be my favorite character and I would've gone absolutely buck wild over this man and feel like he was laser targeting me. But alas Odile has a grip of steel on me rn due to her virtue of being a middle aged woman
#rat rambles#stars posting#I feel like the biggest change in my taste in characters as the years have gone by is Im now far more biased towards old ppl lol#although tbf I was also the one person in 2016 who actually liked asgore so maybe Ive always liked parhetic old ppl#but yeah the reason isa is past me bait is because hes an exploration and subversion of the sort of tropes I Hated as a kid#and I still dont like them so isa still appeals to me its just not as much as he would have to a younger me#I do genuinely love all the party very dearly tho theyre all soooo good#I think my favorite part of isabeau is how like. of everyone we get to see the least facets of him but like in a very good way#this is a man who hides and bottles shit hes so fun to rotate#his self image is so carefully controlled compared to everyone else which makes him an incredibly interesting character to analyze#and I love that despite him seeming like the most emotionally stable person here on the surface he still clearly has like. hashtag issues.#like he's in that beautiful zone where its so so fun imagining what it would look like to truly break him#<- normal things that normal ppl say. like me.#I may have my very light beef with alt looping aus as a concept but hes probably the most interesting alternate looper to me#also my light beef exclusively relates to king quest stuff which is why Im a big fan of duo looper aus with sif#but honestly. isa might be the only one that I genuinely think works better as a solo looper even with taking king quest into account#although bonnie comes close. I <3 looper bonnie I <3 seeing fictional children go through the horrors#I think theres a lot of fun to be had with any alt looper au tho I just am a huge king quest fan so I like it when my favorite elements of#it dont have to be handwaved#but yeah the real question is how would younger me feel about mirabelle#because on the one hand: acearo character#but on the other hand: I have always been a little hater abt romance so idk if younger me would rly be able to follow her character well#I wasnt exactly good at character analysis back then lol#except for the instances in which I was but I dont have that sort of faith in my younger self#yknow Im thinking abt my history of favorite characters now and I think me being one of few 2016 alphys enjoyers might have been a prophecy#she was my quote unquote third favorite but in reality she was second#I think she chara and peridot su teamed up to define my taste in fictional characters for the next several years#and somehow that lead to olivia becoming one of my favorite fictional characters of all time#I say somehow as if that isnt a very natural conclusion
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Recent game related things .. hrmm...
#I do like the inconsistency of the first map. that is actually something older but that I re-found and added to my Game Reference stuff#so that when characters reference where they're from I can be accurate. I like that the whole map is kind of shifted up that way. Where the#actual south part doesnt even count as the south since its Too Far and Scary lol. and if you say you're from 'the north' thats basically#like.. one single continent. Though some people do make distinctions like 'north midlands' or etc. still. I like the ways that common#language isn't always precisely accurate like that. and thinking about why a culture would classify things a certain way or etc. etc.#The inventory page is so funny to me because it's literally just the BASe like.. sample layout just to make sure it works properly with 0#actual design into it. just colored rectangles thrown together in MS paint. but what if I like... left it like that.. what if all the other#art in the game and UI is like stylized and fully matching BUT the inventory/journal/etc. screens I just left as plain colored blocks#with random misalignments and black spots and etc gjhbhjj... It looks unfinished in a Funny Contrast way to me.#the wordcounts are just like... my past few days of writing.. I am still not getting 2200 words a day done or whatever I needed. I'm lucky#if it's even half of that .... tee hee.. :3c I do also keep having appointments and other things going on but..grrr...#The full map of the area is probably not necessary but I thought it would be more realisitc if people were able to reference things. Like i#you have people all living in a city area probably at some point someone might mention a neighboring city or some landmark nearby#or etc. so I thought having at least the basic names of what's around for reference would be sensible. A side character mentioning#'oh yeah I don't live here full time I just travel from Marisene sometimes' or whatever makes it seem more like a Real#Fleshed Out Place than people just making vague references like 'the river' or 'i come from a city nearby' or 'i went to a place somewhere#around here' or 'the other city' or etc. lol.. Especially since global cities/global areas are weird as they operate almost like an#independent country within their walls. so it's like a micro country inside of another country usually. just plopped down in some agreed#upon plot of land that won't be too disruptive to the main country around it. That could get very complex depending on the cultural and#political backdrop of where they're placed (though obviously they try to choose the 'easiest' areas possible for it). Asen is a very mild#country without much history of conflict or anything so it's fine. But still interesting that Sifeh and the entire branched out global area#border three other districts of Asen. Which means like 3 times the local representitives you'l have to negotiate with for some major change#or anything. I think one of the 'random characters you can find around the world and have short discussions with just to make the area#feel more populated and real even though theyre not actual important npcs' is going to be a guy who actually serves on the council that#handles running the global areas and he's like.. some perpetually exhausted middle aged elf running around with a clipboard or whatever#ANYWAY...... hrgh... still trying to write when I can....#I WISH so badly that I had the scope for a simple character creation menu and all character interactions would allot for the background#of your player character. And also to have a simple day night cycle where places in the world you explore/people you talk to during the day#have new options or dialogue at night.. BUT alas... I already am so behind on everything as is lol.. aughhh... T o T#As the worlds number one Needless Detail And Complexity Enjoyer i must dilligently prevent myself from adding additional complexity
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~ ~ ~
#today I am sad about something that I know objectively is dumb#my 30th birthday is next week and the party will be next Saturday and I’m having a dinner at a nice restaurant in town#I wasn’t supposed to make it to 30 and never thought I would but now somehow I have and so this birthday is like…#a really huge deal to me you know#and I always wanted to be able to have a big party to celebrate this specific occasion and in my head I pictured all my friends/family there#I figured this would be one of the biggest parties I’d ever get to throw because to me this is the biggest milestone I’ve gotten to so far#but out of all the people I’ve invited the most that will probably reasonably show is about 10#and even that’s a bit iffy because tbh I’m pretty sure my bestie will flake on me like he always does#and if he doesn’t show up that might just end the friendship but that’s another matter entirely#also iffy because I haven’t gotten a lot of responses still even though I made the event and sent invites two weeks ago#I just… thought I had more friends than that if that makes sense#like I had bigger parties with more people attending in high school and I barely had any friends then#I’ve thrown low key Halloween parties in my mom’s apartment that had more people show up#now I’m at the most important moment of my life (so far) and I’ll barely have anyone with me#lately it just feels like less and less people care about me for real despite how many I know around work or how many are on my Facebook#it feels like my world keeps shrinking and I really don’t want that because it’s been small enough as it is#I just feel like I’m never really going to find my place or have big groups of friends like everyone else#I’m never going to have a group of friends or people I can rely on to spend time with me when needed#as it is planning things gets harder the older we get anyway just due to needing to tend to adult life#guess I still just want what everyone else has and I don’t know why I can’t have those things#and I know it’s stupid and selfish and whiny but I really want to cry because I’m so depressed that I have barely anyone in my life at all#barely anyone to celebrate something so important to me and so few who even seem to care at all either#I’m grateful for everyone I do have honestly#but that doesn’t offset this weird pain in my chest over this whole situation#maybe I should just curl up and cry until this all passes and I can go back to pretending it doesn’t matter#personal
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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