#he loses his train of thought because jace still has tears in his eyes and he looks so pretty

[simpfornegan]

okay but hear me out.

aemond training jace in combat….

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Wilfords Demands: Separated

Summary- 5.6k Curtis x You. Curtis lost the tournament and has been cast back to his original home, the tail end. You are now contained in Wilfords precious engine to see the crazy ramblings of Snowpiercers Leader. You also must find out Curtis’s fate and you believe you can find him, if you can just get beyond that door Wilford likes to disappear into. Dividers made by @firefly-graphics​

Warnings- Stressful situations, spitting, hitting, demeaning talk, threats, language. You also find out what happened with Curtis’s other children, its dark and upsetting. Proceed reading with caution. Thats as descriptive as Im going to get in that warning. 

Chapter 6 / Wilfords Demands Masterlist 

As you were dragged away, you could hear the cheers echoing off the steel walls. You could feel the overwhelming sensation of panic settling in your chest. It was all consuming as you started struggling against the man dragging you behind Claude, trying to pummel your fists against his padded chest and scratch at him. 

“Let me go! CURTIS!” you screamed, resorting to trying to bite at his hand wrapped around your upper arm. Claude scoffed seeing you give the guard a hard time and snapped over quickly, open palmed, she slapped your face to stun you. 

You panic turned to white hot rage at the woman, turning on her but the man tightened his grip, stopping all your movements. 

“For once in your miserable fucking life, will you stop it?! Jesus Christ you are not worth the effort Wilford puts in you. You don't even make a good whore.” She spit in your face before turning back to open the door to Wilford’s chambers once more, jerking her head to direct the guard to bring you in. “He will be back soon, make sure she doesn’t do something stupid can you? Just don't hurt her, Wilford will have both our heads if anything happens to the precious prize.” 

She sneered out the last words at you, You spat at her with a smug smile when it landed on her face. She screamed in disgust and wiped at her face with her sleeve. “Tail Ender Pig, you are all so disgusting.” continuing to mutter as she left the room, the guard released you, standing at the door and his eyes followed you as you were sure to put distance between the two of you. 

Wilford’s area was the same as before. More luxurious than the others, you went towards the engine, the furthest you could get from the guard when he barked out. “That's far enough.” 

Flipping him the bird, you moved to sit in a nearby chair, rubbing at your belly protectively. 

Right now the anger was the only thing controlling your fear. You had no idea what was going to happen to Jace, was Curtis even still alive. You couldn’t think like that, because you would lose it if Curtis was dead. 

He promised you that he would find a way, swore to you. 

But promises made were not always kept. You swiped at your face furiously to hide the tears, thinking about Curtis would have to come later, when it actually could sink in. For now Curtis was still alive, he would come for Jace, that was all that mattered. 

Time seemed to stretch, tension building when you heard the door shift open. The guard stepped aside and Wilford walked in, followed by Grey who was bloody, limping and spotting several cuts and bruises. 

I hope you feel every single one Curtis gave you, you hissed in your mind looking at him before turning away. 

“Well look at you sweetheart, told you we would be getting to know each other better.” His hand came to stroke your cheek and you jerked away, making him laugh. “Soon enough you will learn not to pull away.” Grey said while Wilford handed him some towels to clean himself up. 

“As promised, she is your prize. You just have to wait till after the birth.” 

You shifted in your seat, your hand still protective over your stomach to face Wilford, ignoring Grey for now. “Where is Curtis?” 

“Well she isn't going to be much longer till she spits out that spawn for you. I don't mind waiting.” Grey spoke over you, ignoring your question. 

“Weeks Grey, not long at all.” Wilford flipped to a calendar, and to your disgust you saw where he had appointments set up with the doctor. Your name, some others, you shuddered at it. 

“Is Curtis still alive?” You started again, but both men ignored you once again when you finally gave a scream, willing them to at least acknowledge you. 

Wilford blinked at you calmly while Grey scowled at you. “Curtis really didn't teach you any manners did he? Know what we are doing first.” 

You hitched your chin, refusing to back away from him in fear. 

“Curtis is no longer your concern Y/N.” Wilford started. “You won't be seeing him again.” 

Your eyes welled up at these words and your face pinched trying to process these. You can't break down right now. Jace needs you to keep it together. 

“Fine, but this child is my concern. I need to know what his future is going to be.” 

Wilford broke in a grin at this one, rubbing his hands together. “Of course, you spent all this effort supplying me with Curtis’s child. I have high hopes for this one.” 

Fuck you were going to be sick, listening to him. “I want to raise him, he is mine as you said.” 

Grey cocked a brow, his arms folding over his chest with a laugh, Wilford joining him. “Ah- no. This child is mine. I already have a name. Trust me, that whole Jace Tyler was cute and all, I heard all about why you wanted that name but no. Joseph Wilford the second will become my successor. Hopefully. Curtis was always my favorite.” 

You spared a look at Grey who’s features clouded slightly but then went back to victorious. “Well Curtis is washed out, past his prime now.” He pointed out and Wilford shrugged a bit. 

“Happens to all of us. Why I needed Y/N to get pregnant rather quickly, before the tournament. I'm still taking a risk, but such a pretty thing who's a survivor from the tail end. I like Joseph’s chances. So for now Dear, your stuff is being removed from Curtis’s quarters, being moved into Grey’s. For now though you will be staying with me. Grey, how about you go get cleaned up, celebrate your victory.” 

Grey gave one final swipe of his towel, smirking. “I think I will just do that.” Cold eyes swept over you, possessive now. “I will see you real soon.” Sure to run his fingers over you again and grasp your chin tightly when you tried to pull away, his touch hurt, bit into you as he dug fingernails into your skin to mark you. “Keep up that act, I like breaking women in.” 

Letting you go with a cruel laugh, he left the engine. Wilford seemed oblivious to your distress. “Come Dear, let me show you your cot. You need to rest. Most certainly, can't have you stressing the baby.” He tugged you to a stand, leading you to a corner near the engine humming and pushed you to sit. “See this is pretty good.” 

You couldn't help it anymore, everything you had hoped for had shattered in moments. You curled as much as you could away from Wilford rubbing your back and sobbed into your arm, mourning Jace’s father. 

Curtis first noticed the pain. It riddled him hotly with every sway of the train's movements. His fingers curled against rough fabric underneath him. When he tried to move pain seared through him everywhere making him grit his teeth and sink back into the hardness beneath him. “Don’t try to move mister, Mama said you needed to stay still.” came a young boy's voice near his ear and Curtis strained his neck to look next to him, nothing but shadows and more darkness filling his vision but then movement caught his attention. 

A boy, young by the looks of him but it was hard to tell without proper lighting. Big eyes stared at him though as the boy crawled closer to him. “Where am I kid?” Curtis grunted out as the boy lifted a gelatin block to his mouth and took a bite. 

“This the back of the train Mister.” He shoved the block at Curtis, setting it on his chest. “I will go get my Mama. You can have some if you're hungry.” The boy smiled and crawled away, dropping away from sight and scurrying off. Curtis curiously picked up the block and sniffed at it, wrinkling his nose at the smell and set it off to the side. With a groan he tried to sit up again, but gasped again in pain. “Fuck!” 

“Fuck is right.” A woman came into view, carrying a lantern with her to light up her way and sat at the edge of the bed. The little boy crawled in on the other side and grabbed at the gelatin block to bite into again, squeezing it a bit in his small hands, humming happily at his food. 

“Mama, I thought you said that's a bad word.” 

“It is Timmy, but he's allowed to say it. Go on now, shoo. Let me talk to this man.” she waved her hands at him and yet again the little boy, giggling this time climbed upwards into what looked like more bedding above Curtis. 

She watched him with a soft smile till the boy was gone, then turned her attention back to Curtis. “That's my baby Timmy and my name is Tonya.” 

Curtis frowned a bit at the name, then it clicked. “I remember you…” he grunted and Tonya smiled with a nod. 

“I remember you to, but back then you were still a youngin’. Barely 17, still young and hot headed. If you are back here, I’m assuming you're still hot headed?” Tonya chuckled as Curtis tried once more to sit up, and she pushed against his chest to press him back down. “Whoever did this to you did a number on you. Mostly your ribs and possibly your shoulder. You are gonna have to just stay put for a while.” 

Curtis worked his shoulders and she was correct, the pain in his collarbone and down his back was enough to make him see sparks. “Yup, I have to agree. And not hot headed… There was a tournament and… Fuck.” This time he surged up to a sit with a yell, holding onto steel grating above him, gasping. “I have to get out of here right away. They took her and I promised to keep her safe, keep our son safe.” 

Tonya shook her head confused. “Who? What are you talking about? You should lay back down.” 

Curtis stubbornly swung his feet over the edge of the bunk and moved to sit on the edge, looking around. More and more of it was familiar. In the years he had been up front, none of it had changed. Except there was less crowding then before. 

“Y/N, she's up at the front and in serious trouble. Fuck.” He swore again and pushed to a stand, bracing his hand against the framework and tried to make sense of where the door was. Tonya was right next to him, following along. 

“Wait, Y/N? She's up there still alive?” 

“Yes.” Curtis weaved among other people and Tonya tried making him stop. “She was in my care, Wilford… “ He came to a stop at a steel door, looking it over to see any way to open it. “Wanted her to get pregnant with my child. Once he has what he wants, he is just gonna throw her to monsters.” he hissed while pressing his hands against the door. 

“You are not getting that door open Curtis.” Tonya wedged her way next to him and made him turn around, being as week as he was at the moment. “You are telling me shes pregnant? Our Y/N is pregnant?” Her eyes glowered at him and he squared his shoulders slightly. 

“Yes, due anytime now. I told you, she was brought to me for a reason. It wasnt what either of us wanted but…” He turned back to the door and up towards the ceiling, looking for cameras or anything to get someone's attention. “... It turned into something more. And I need to get to her now.” His gaze turned intense looking at Tonya. Her hands were at her hips accusing but then her gaze softened a bit and she sighed. 

“There is no way out Curtis, don't you think we have tried? Its a box, a prison. This is hell on earth and you are now stuck in it with us.” 

Curtis could feel his breath quickening and his heart racing. 

He had to get out of here, he had to get to you. 

Time seemed to turn meaningless while you stayed with Wilford. He had the doctor monitor you daily, check constantly for the moments you went into labor. But you shut down, not talking or acknowledging the others around you unless you were forced into it. Wilford though didn't seem to notice. He talked all the time. Rambled joyfully about everything to do with the engine. Tinkering away at little things in it, tightening screws and bolts. Running inspections. “Dear this whole train keeps us alive. And it needs so much care and love.” He would sing softly as his hands stroked along the metal wall. “Just a gentle touch for our sweetheart here.” 

You would curl up your legs onto your cot, or try to, it was hard with your belly. He was fucking crazy the way he spoke to the engine. The constant hum of the engine and the spinning didn't help either, it made your head pound till you felt like you were also going to go a bit mad in the room with him. 

The nights though were the worst. The engine would seem louder without Wilford’s constant chatter. You would stretch on your cot across the room from Wilford, who slept in a large plush bed. It was hard, almost impossible to get comfortable and relax. It wasn't because the cot actually bothered you, you spent years either in a hard bunk or leaning against a wall in the tail end. 

Instead you were used to sleeping with Curtis. His body would be pressed in against yours, his arm wrapped around you to hold you close and your head would be cushioned on his chest or shoulder, or a hand draped over his stomach. He was warm and safe. That is what you missed. Your hands would rub your belly, sniffling to yourself. You refused to let yourself cry in front of Wilford. But in the night when your only company was the hum of the engine, you let yourself talk to Jace about Curtis. 

How much you missed his father, letting yourself mourn for him because it was the times you thought maybe he actually didn't make it. Those thoughts you cursed yourself, because he couldn’t be gone. He hadn't even gotten to meet his son. The nights were the hardest, the only time you didn't have to pretend to not exist and it would become overwhelming. When it became too much you would sing softly to your belly. 

Don't take my sunshine away. 

The only thing unusual about the engine was the door. Just a door near the spinning blue lights that made the engine come to life that you studied. It was better than going into a trance watching the blue orbs circle slowly. Wilford would once in a while disappear into the room and wouldn't come back out. Just a few times you leaned just right in your cot when he disappeared into the room, catching sight of computer monitors. That had to be how Wilford was watching all of you. 

That made you shiver, the idea Wilford watched you and Curtis doing everyday things. You didn't even want to think of what else he spied on. But more importantly if you could get in there, maybe you could find Curtis. Or see if he was still alive. 

One morning Wilford was cooking what you guessed was supposed to be breakfast. The smell of onions, potatoes and eggs was making your stomach roll viciously. Curtis had always made sure no eggs made it into the room. Wilford wasn't quite as considerate. You were just coming out of the bathroom, having rinsed your mouth out when the smell hit you all over again. Luckily nothing was left to come up. 

“Sweetheart, just think when I have Jr, I will have him ready to take over the engine.” Wilford said cheerfully, sliding eggs onto a plate with a sickening splatter. Your stomach did another roll, and you did your best not to gag. It didn't click with his Jr. spiel, since you never thought of your son as anything other than Jace Tyler. Wilford slid a plate on a small table near your cot for you. “Go ahead eat, I want Jr big and strong like his sire. Make his Poppa proud.” He turned away and you ignored the eggs, recalling his earlier statement. 

“Take over the engine?” 

Wilford made a show of cracking another egg into a bowl, holding up the shell. “Did you know these would be extinct if it wasn't for me? Something so simple… “ He studied it before tossing it into a nearby garbage bucket. “No more chickens. Or oranges like you have in that glass next to you. Fresh squeezed by the way. No more bread.” He picked up two slices of thick sliced bread. “Nor butter, because cows would be extinct.” He dropped them into a pan to crisp and sizzle. “Everything Y/N would be extinct, if it wasn't for our Snowpiercer.” he flipped his eggs and slid them onto his plate. 

You remained quiet, refusing the eggs, the toast and the juice he had set on the table, watching him. 

“But I won't last forever. I can fix this train, but there is no way to replace my body parts. So next best thing. Make the perfect replacement.” He went to his table and sat down. “Why I searched you out for Curtis. Women in the front, been ruined in less then twenty years we have been on this train.” He said disgusted as he started to eat, shoveling a forkful of eggs into his mouth and chewing. The yellow burst of yolk on his lip certainly made you gag this time, covering your mouth while trying to turn away. 

“No, I needed someone smart enough to survive but also untouched.” His grin turned cool as his eyes raked over you. “You survived the tail end, were strong enough to survive the lockbox as well as stunning, how you came out of there a virgin I don't know. But it worked out for me. Perfect for Curtis. All his other children before, just weren't perfect enough.” Another forkful of runny eggs and toast. You were struggling trying to wrap your mind around what Wilford was saying. 

“W-what happened to the others?” You asked shakily, scared of the answer. 

“Ahh, they didn't work out. We tried, sometimes the babies wouldn't shut up, other times they got to a certain age and would struggle with the motor skills. There were a few who got sickly.” Wilford shrugged as he sopped at his plate with his bread and popped that into his mouth. You though, your arms circled around yourself protectively as the horror of what he was saying made your heart race. 

“You just- got rid of them?” 

“Of course, I can't keep them if they can’t be useful. That's when it clicked. Curtis, he was fine. He's everything I wanted, big, strong, smart. Until you came along, he thought logically. It's a flaw, his falling for you, made him weak. But nothing I can't overlook I suppose. So many other perfect qualities in a leader. It was the woman.” He carried his plate to the sink and approached you. You shrunk back on your cot and he cupped your face in delicate warm hands, hands that never did hard work. “I needed a strong woman to match. All the front end bitches I paired with him threw off weaklings. You Sweetheart are going to give me the perfect prodigy. I considered switching Curtis for Grey for a while, but ahh he is too volatile to throw me a good son. No, it had to be Curtis and You.” He brushed your cheek gently and then grasped your hair to yank you forward towards the plate of food. “Now eat this gift I give you, because I need that baby to come out healthy.” 

Claude entered the room, clipboard in hand with a smile. “Sir if you're all set, we are ready for the inspection in the greenhouse.” 

“Oh yes Claude, be right there.” He beamed as he pointed at your tray of food with a snap of his fingers. “I want this gone.” Turning he made his way to Claude, the two of them chatting as they left the room, leaving you all alone. 

Your heart raced and breathing came out in a rush. With a swipe of your hand, you pushed the plate and glass off the table to shatter against the floor in a mess, screaming in a shrill burst. Overwhelmed with what he informed you, you couldn't hold it all back anymore, your scream just got shriller and tense to bounce all around you from the steel walls. Your voice ended up giving out with a croak and you dropped your heads into your hands sobbing at the fate of your son. 

You can't let this happen, just can't. This isn't what you or Curtis wanted for Jace. Your head lifted and eyes were wildly looking around the room, trying to figure something out. Attacking Wilford would do nothing. You could possibly hold him at knife point, but it would only be a matter of time before you were captured again, and it would just be worse for you and Jace if you had managed to kill Wilford. No, it needed to be more permanent. Something that would overthrow the whole train. 

Your eyes fell to the door, the door with all the monitors and control panels. You needed to be in that room and that's when a plan started to form. 

Although Curtis couldn’t find a way out of the tail end didn’t mean he wasn’t busy. Curtis started to get to know more about the tailenders, those who were ready to fight for there freedom, those with special skills that could be used in a revolt, listen to the stories of the horrors they have had to do to survive. It became more then simply getting back to you, now it was about getting these people out of here as well. 

Curtis started timing the guards coming through, trying to figure out how to work the inspections and feeding times to his advantage. After all this time, they should be fairly slack, rituals loose purpose after a while. 

But he didnt see his opening. No matter how many times he timed the lengths the doors were open, how long they stayed, how hard the cart full of the blocks were to manuever. It was all so precise, the same everytime and there eyes were watchful, always willing to bash a tailender should they step out of line. 

There was just four counts when all the doors were open and Curtis could see down the length of the train. It just wasnt enough time to get through several train cars. Tonya was perched next to him, listening to him count under his breath. 

“Curtis, don’t. We’ve tried that. It just ends with them culling us.” She hurriedly whispered back to him. Once they left he turned to her. 

“Then what Tonya? Y/N might have had Jace and tossed to Grey. Who even knows what will happen to my son.” Some frustrated tears caught in his lashes and some managed to escape, making a track down his now sooty dirty face. He dropped his head into his hands and Tonya rubbed at his back, trying to be supportive even though she delivered the harsh reality. 

“I know Curtis…I’m sorry, I just don’t want you going on a suicide mission. Y/N needs you, so does that little boy you got coming.” 

Curtis took a ragged sigh and stared back up at the camera beeping above the door, flipping it off before pushing to a stand and disappearing out of sight to continue trying to figure out a way to get back to you. 

You waited, you could be patient. You learned a while ago when you first joined Curtis to watch, it was also the harsh lesson he taught you in the beginning. It was how you got to know him as the man you cared for today. You were quick to learn that Wilford wasn't predictable. He would go into the room at random times. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for a few minutes. 

No matter how much you looked around the engine from your perch on your cot, you couldn't see where there were any cameras in the engine room. But you were still wary. Thinking maybe he was trying to catch you doing something, spring out of that room with a gotcha. 

But you were smarter. No, you were patient. Storing it all away. 

The worst was when Grey would come around. He seemed to turn into Wilford’s pet, always coming in to chat with him or ask favors. Oftentimes he would sit across the table, staring intently at you with a sneer. His eyes roaming you up and down like he had a right to take you whenever. These times you would hitch your chin up and stare back at him. Refusing to give him the satisfaction that he won. 

Maybe he did win your body. But you refused outright to give him any satisfaction in that. It didn't matter though, for Grey you were just a prize. You didn't matter to him except what you could give him. 

“She must be due soon, right?” Grey drawled out, moving to a stand and approaching you. In your bid to defy him, you didn't move an inch to draw away from him. His hand fisted in your hair, twisting viciously to have you look up at him. “Excited right? I'm sure it gets a bit boring just sitting here on your cot, waiting for time to pass with that little bastard inside of you.” 

You work your mouth to draw out some spit, hocking it at him as best you can at the unnatural angle. It earned you a loud smack, whipping your head to the side. Not a word dropped from you in pain as you glared up at him. Grey leaned in closer, his hand wiping at his face and wiping his hand clean in your hair he still had fisted in his other hand. 

“Nasty little thing arn’t you? Treat Curtis like this? Or did you just drool all over his cock every chance you get?” His fingers bit into your cheeks as he pressed harshly against the hinge of your jaw, wrenching your mouth open. “Don't worry, soon this will be all you know.” He spat in your open mouth, making you heave and try to pull away from him as he lewdly groped his crotch, laughing at your distress. 

“Grey, leave her alone… you will have her soon enough.” Wilford finally interjected, beckoning Grey forward towards the room. “I got something to show you anyways, step in here.” 

Grey snickered at you before sauntering over, passing through the door and Wilford followed him in, closing themselves in. You grabbed at some of the bedding, bringing a corner of a blanket to your mouth to try to tear at the fabric. You just needed a little bit. 

Your teeth ripped into the cloth and stitches, wrenching at the fabric till you could feel it weakening. 

Another pull, another twist and you could feel the fabric starting to give. Your eyes darted back to the door. “Come on…” You whined out and then there was a distinctive rrrriiippp… 

Balling the small bit of fabric in your fist, you got up to approach the door. Careful you pressed your ear to it, trying to listen over the engines humming, but it was pointless. The whoosh whoosh whoosh of the spinning mechanisms made you sigh in exasperation. You didn't want to ruin your chance by not being prepared.

Pressing against the wall, you tried to think about what you knew. The door was pressured close to guarantee a seal. Your eyes roving up to the mechanism that worked the door. It also made it close slow. You could wait a good five seconds after they left the room to do what you wanted. You could pretend you were passing by to go to the bathroom, seeing the door was just beyond your main target. Stepping back a few steps, you paused. Eyes on the handle, waiting for them to walk back out, swing the door wide open. 

It felt like hours till the handle jiggled and sure enough it swung wide open with both men leaving, laughing about some shared joke between one another. You started counting just like the way your Grandpa showed you when you were a kid playing hide and seek in the apple orchard.

One Mississippi

 You stepped forward as if you had been striding from your cot, which neither of you bothered to give a glance. The door clicked into reverse. 

Two Mississippi

Your chest clenched seeing the door start to close, the two men were a step away from you now where you could pass between them and the door. 

Three Mississippi

In passing, you rolled the ball of fabric in your palm, your hand brushing against the inside of the door jam and nimbly shoved the ball into the hole that would seal the door shut. Continuing on past. 

Four Mississippi

You paused at the bathroom door, your hand giving a shiver of anxiety while listening before opening the bathroom door. Please don't latch, please don't latch…. 

Five Mississippi

The door shut, but there was no distinctive click the door handle locked. You glanced over your shoulder to see it looked sealed. You yanked on the bathroom handle and escaped into the bathroom, covering your mouth as a gasp of relief escaped you, tears brimming your eyes at knowing it worked. Now it was just hoping Wilford left before he found out what you had done. Sinking to the floor, you took several breaths to try to calm your racing heart. Tilting your head back and closing your eyes, your hands pressed against your belly, whispering. “Jace, we are gonna find your daddy and figure it out from there. Right kiddo… we got this. We are going to be okay.” 

After giving yourself your pep talk and you weren't feeling like Wilford was going to figure it out and bust through that door, you made your way back out to see Claude had joined Wilford and Grey. 

“Well I need to go do my inspections.” Wilford motioned towards to exit, Grey took a glance at you shuffling back to your cot. Coldly he looked you up and down, obviously checking you out. 

“Will be seeing you soon Y/N.” You didn't respond, looking away as you lowered down onto your cot. He left and Wilford reached out for a clipboard Claude was holding, scanning over several papers. “What's the numbers on the tailenders?” 

“High hundreds. We took a count this morning. Its getting overcrowded once again.” 

“Ahh, I know it was getting bad once more. Gonna have to do something about that.” Wilford sighed. “Just need to get creative about it.” You did your best to keep from retaliating. “And how's our special guest there?” 

This made you perk, curious as to who he would be talking about. “Oh settling in nicely, like he never left.” Claude retorted as the door opened, and you couldn't stop the flutter of hope. Maybe it was Curtis.. Could be Curtis they were talking about. The door slammed shut and you started to count. 

Wilford could stay away anywhere from ten minutes to an hour. As anxiously as you wanted to run to the door and go in the room of cameras, you couldn't do it too soon. Wilford would just rush back in and stop you. All this effort, lost. 

So you waited. Counting like before till you were sure it had been a good ten minutes. Easing off the cot, you approached the door and rested your hand to the door handle. 

God let this work. You screwed your eyes shut and started to ease back, the door moving just as easily as if it was properly unlocked. Not even a turn of the handle. Slipping inside and pulling out the fabric from the hollow spot in the door, you let it shut you in. 

Camera, so many grainy moving pictures, it made your head thump with the intake of information. You started moving from screen to screen, searching faces to try to find Curtis. No matter how many you looked through, searching the garden cars, over to the kitchen crew, entertainment cars full of kronole high individuals, none of them had Curtis. You made your way down the line, cars with animals, people making equipment, prison cars. Still no Curtis. You bit at your lip, your fingertips pressing against screens, like you were crossing off people. 

“Come on Curtis, I need you to show yourself.” You passed to the last row, people all from the tail end. You leaned in close, mentally crossing off sections till you stopped at the door. It was a flash of familiarity that brought you back to that screen. 

“Jace… I found your daddy.” Your voice broke in relief, seeing him studying the door and camera, scowling up at it. You remember that look, the one that he was frustrated with his situation. You had never been so relieved to see him looking pissed off. “Thank fucking god you are still alive Curtis.” You fell back to sink in an office chair. “Now how do I get you out?” 

[khaleesiofalicante]

I really said fuck classes who needs notes anyway (i do I have 5 tests in the next two weeks)

before I post my live blog here, I feel like people really underestimate how bad rumors are and how much they fuck with your mental health. they don't lose sleep over them, they don't think twice. but these things are harmful as fuck. they leave wounds that take so long to recover from because you keep on thinking about these lies who to others are "just words"

I've been there. it's not fun. I wish I had the courage back then to stand up to those rumors which I have now. these things never leave you. others might move on but the healing process is a journey that is long and hard. I wish more people understood just what effect their words can have.

Yeah, he knew a thing or two about family members going overboard with glitter.

IT'S RAFAEL CENTRIC GHSYGUJDUYDFUIKFDUIDFIUDF

TAVVY

TAVVY

TAVVY

DCSUIHDCSUIDUYUDICUIVSDUIHFVSUILFBUHKIFSV

I feel like I keyboard smash A LOT

“You will never drink even if you are not riding the bike,” Dad had pointed out – all Consul Voice and threatening glares. “The legal age for drinking in New York is 21.”

“But it’s 15 in Idris!”

“Well unfortunately for you, we are in Exile,” dad had grinned.

DAD ALEC UHIKSFDUIHKSGUIKSDVUIHKDVUHIKSVD

Max had a habit of ‘borrowing’ things and selling them on eBay. In his brother’s defense, Bapak had so many clothes that he never noticed when things disappeared. But Rafael did since he had a habit of wearing his father’s clothes.

The warlock – not the shadowhunter.

He wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those sweaters.

Now that Rafael was 18, he was almost as tall as his father.

The shadowhunter – not the warlock.

I AM SCREAMING

I love how he's clarifying which one he's talking about

“Do you know I used to have a crush on Lily Chen?” Tavvy blushed. “But then I found out she made out with Helen once and it kinda got weird.”

Ah yes. I remember. Does Rafael know that Alec also walked in on them?

ARCHITECT TAVVY

SDHDVUHDFSV,YDSFVUYVSFFUSVFUVFS

SHADOWUNTERS ATTENDING MUNDANE COLLEGES

“Dude, college kids don’t give a shit,” Tavvy laughed. “You could walk into a lecture covered in runes, holding a seraph blade and they wouldn’t give you a second look.”

“Cause they are chill?”

“Yes. But mostly cause they are dead inside,” Tavvy chuckled.

Surprisingly that's exactly what my grade 6 prefect told me (DAMN WHY AM I ALWAYS REMEMBERING GRADE 6 IT'S BEEN YEARS. that was a horrible year *shudders*)

ANJALI IS A CENTURION

LMAO THIS IS WHAT RAFAEL MEANT WHEN HE SAID HE WOULDNT WANT TO GO TO THE SCHOLOMANCE FOR PERSONAL REASONS

I still ship them.

“The meeting is going to go perfe-What is SHE doing here?”

Well, that was a quick change-

Unlike Aunt Maia, Lily did not like to be called Aunt Lily. So, Rafael respected her wishes. Max of course continued to call her Aunt Lily and sometimes Abeula Lily since his brother had a pathological condition of pissing people off.

THAT'S SO MAX OMG JHSXUHSCUHISDHUHUKIDVS

great now I miss Raphael

I HAVE A CLASS IN 7 MINUTES STOP MAKING ME CRY

that is so thoughtful of him though...

tears.

“There are no photos of Raphael,” Lily sighed.

“Because he is a vampire?” Tavvy asked sympathetically.

“Because he is Raphael,” she grinned. “Vampires can most certainly take photos. You should follow me on Instagram. My handle is simp_for_carstairs.”

Of course, it is. No one is surprised.

Tavvy picked one up, took a large bite and it threw it back immediately. “Holy shit, that’s spicy!”

“White,” Lily and Anjali snorted at the same time.

white people and their bland foods smh

“She is not wrong,” Lily nodded seriously. “I’m a Jem Carstairs fan first and a vampire second.”

As she should be

UHDSUHDFSUHFDH ANJALI AND RAFAEL COMPETING ABOUT WHO'S LILY'S FAVORITE

He observed Anjali’s long dark hair spilled over her shoulders as her eyes stayed on Lily – sharp, protective and beautiful.

"Beautiful"

I AM NOT LETTING THIS GO

I'm THE DAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP

FUCKING RUMORS

I'm GONNA KILL SOMEONE

“Shadowhunters are awful gossips,” Anjali said. “Let’s not waste our time with this nonsense.”

There was something in her voice. Something he couldn’t put his finger on.

No, wait I want to know what was in her voice.

But no. It couldn’t be. They weren’t dating.

YET

Rafael was sure there was something more than friendship between them. But David was polite to a fault and Max was an oblivious little shit. So, obviously nothing had happened yet.

OH MY GOD THESE TWO

But this was different. He would tolerate rumours about himself. But he would not tolerate rumours about his family.

I and Rafael will beat up the people who spread these rumors together :D

“She once told me she likes sipping tea more than drinking blood.

I-

same.

NOT THAT I DRINK BLOOD-

RAFAEL LMAO NO

"I hate her she's so annoying"

continues to daydream about her and how tall she'd be without those boots, lies to tavvy about her dating someone

Why did he do that? What was the purpose? Did he not want other people to date just because he wasn’t dating anyone?

And he calls Max oblivious.

oh class started

shit

IDC IDC I'LL STILL BE READING

LEXI AND SELENA ARE AT THE ACADEMY

JACE HYPER FIXATING ON THINGS BECAUSE HE'S BORED IS SUCH A MOOD

“David and I added rosemary to this one,” Uncle Jace wiped his hands on his apron. “It has definitely improved the taste, hasn’t it?”

“Save me,” David mouthed from behind the man.

LMAO POOR DAVID

“Empty nest syndrome,” Rafael chuckled. “I’m glad neither Max nor I had to leave home. My fathers are much worse.”

He remembered his first sleepover at the institute. His parents had waited for “an excruciating hour” before crashing the institute and joining the sleepover themselves.

yup, that's them.

“David,” Rafael grinned. “Are you afraid of my father?”

“What? No! He is the just a regular person…who can throw me in the silent city any time he wants,” David rambled and then shook his head. “Where is Max?”

He tried to sound nonchalant. But Rafael noted the way the other boy’s eyes fluttered every time he said Max’s name.

Just the way a crooked smile appeared on his brother’s lips every time someone said David’s name.

Idiots

ok, there is so much to unpack here.

DAVID HAS A VALID REASON OK??

These two are such IDIOTS HUSDUHISCUIDSVCUIHVSDUHI

“Max said Bapak is biased, and that he needs an unbiased tutor. Uncle Ragnor volunteered,” Rafael chuckled. “God bless the poor man.”

“Max isn’t that bad,” David replied.

“Looks like you’re biased too, David,” Rafael winked and picked up a spare bow from the training room.

of course, he is.

G-FORCE KJHSDCUISDYUKDFSUYKDSVYUSFD

oh shit

oh shit

WHO DID WHAT THIS TIME

what's the rumor and who do I need to kill

He didn’t know her well. But she knew a lot about him. Just as she knew a lot about the twins. She was one of those people who was oddly invested in his life just because Rafael happened to the Consul’s son.

what is her problem?

what the fuck

I need a minute

I need a minute to digest that

I'm so glad I closed my camera in class

what the actual fuck did she just say

tell me I'm hallucinating

times like these I wish I was Jared 19

no, because I'm actually speechless right now

Paige and Irene need therapy

OH SHE WENT THERE

“Paige, that’s enough!” the Dean snapped at her. “How dare you talk to him that way? You talk about warlock corruption but where all of you when Valentine exploited Jace and Clary? Where was this moral obligation when Valentine lied to his children and played with their feelings as if they were nothing but toys to be controlled and manipulated? I’m sick of shadowhunters victim blaming children instead of holding people like Valentine accountable.”

THANK YOU

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK SIMON

I feel like we all focus so much on the "incest" and hate on clace we forget that this part of the story was literally an abuser seeing that the victim was recovering and took the only thing which made him happy from him

I can't believe this

“Children have been suffering for a long time now, Paige,” Uncle Jace said now, his fists balled at his sides. “Where were you when Alec proposed the child protection bill? We didn’t see any of you supporting it.”

“We had other priorities,” the older woman replied. “People were dying! It was not the right time for a new law. We could have always signed that bill later. There was no rush!”

OTHER PRIORITIES MY ASS BITCH FUCK YOU

hey just realizing Rafael is the token straight

I'M SORRY IM TRYING TO DISTRACT ME

“The Cohort who made children kill themselves to prove a point?” Uncle Simon asked dryly. “That Cohort?”

I am so close to either crying or killing someone or both.

This was Max’s spot since it had the best Wi-Fi coverage.

yeah trust me I spend all the time in the guest room because it has the best wifi coverage or the study.

MAX IS SMOKING TOO

YOU FUCKING IDIOTS

oh wait

oh they might be alec's

yeah

For the next thirty minutes, Max paced around the room, threatening to portal all the shadowhunters to hell.

Then he went on about a plan to attack the cohort and portal them all to hell too.

He kept talking about portalling people to hell.

MAX YES LET'S DO IT!!!!

But here is the thing about people, they don’t get to you. You get to them.

They simply say something and leave. They probably don’t even mean the things they say or lose sleep over it. But it wasn’t the same for you. You obsess over it. You stay awake at night and let it consume your dreams.

YES! To others, it's just words. meaningless. to you, the effect can be so so deep. it's not easy to always brush them off.

NO MAGNUS

THAT'S IT

MAX AND I ARE PORTALLING PEOPLE TO HELL

WE'RE DOING IT

why do we hurt others?

my teacher: ill take a test on this chapter. all 20 units

me: softly crying because people are little shits and they hurt others.

“Fuck everyone else,” dad hissed. “They’ve hurt our family enough.”

EXACTLY. LEAVE THEM ALONE.

“I am simply being honest with you,” Dad interrupted. “I could never be okay when you are away from me. But I will manage. Max is going to raise hell though. So, that’s going to be fun.”

AS HE SHOULD

Neither Rafael nor Max would never admit it out loud, but on the day of that sleepover, on the day their parents had crashed the institute bcause they had missed the kids too much…Rafael and Max had been only a moment away from calling their parents to come pick them up.

He's right though.

it'll take time. lots of it maybe.

BUT THE ACTUAL AUDACITY.

It fucked with his mind so much.

Rafael...ALRIGHT WHERE ARE MY FLAMETHROWERS

“DAD! BAPA! WAKE UP! RAFE IS TRYING TO RUN AWAY!”

MAX REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF MY LITTLE BROTHER

He had forgotten about the bloody paperwork. Shadowhunters on their travel year had to notify the Clave and get their paperwork in order.

Well, it shouldn’t be a problem since the Clave was standing across the hall.

EXACTLY

Because it was killing him. It was killing him not to be lying on the couch, his head resting on his Bapak’s lap just like every other Saturday morning.

It was killing him not to touch, not to love, not to care.

GET MY FLAMETHROWERS AND CANNIBAL GOLDFISHES WE HAVE SOME WORK TO DO

(goddamn every class I have taken so far the teacher has told us there is a test coming up it's 9 am in the morning.)

His brother growled at that like the little feral animal that he was.

that's adorable actually.

“Fine,” Max rolled his eyes. “Does this mean I can also travel? There is a Twenty One Pilots concert in Sydney and-”

“Nice try,” Dad said. “But no. You are staying here.”

“Excuse me, but what about my healing?” Max demanded. “I’ve been traumatised by this thing.”

“You can go to therapy,” Rafael winked at this brother.

Therapy is boring but useful so-

He needed to survive this. So, he decided to go back to the place he had learned how to survive in the first place.

He needed to go back home.

UGLY CRYING WHILE TAYLOR SWIFT PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AND MY HISTORY CLASS IN 2 MINUTES

I'm so proud of him for this...

I still say we kill these people.

JOAQUIN AND JULIETTE

UHISDCUIHFSDUGUIDFVDSDVFJHGDFVHUKDVHUKVF

Camilla Alvarez.

well well.

OH THEY KISSED

“Right,” Rafael had said. “Gap year. Besides, I do talk them. My brother threatened to paint my room in hot pink if I don’t text him every day.”

hands max a pint of paint HAVE AT IT

Max: Also – New Rumour. Dalliance between Lily and Tavvy.

Rafe: OMFG WHAT

Max: They are running with it and freaking old n*philim out.

AS THEY SHOULD UFUHIFUIHFUIHKFU

THE CENSORED N*PHILIM I'M SCREAMING

“He is hot.”

He laughed out loud. “Yeah. I hear that a lot.”

“Your dad looks kinda scary,” she pointed out.

Rafael laughed again. “Yeah. I kinda hear that a lot too.”

I'm liking this ship...

I'M STILL LOYAL TO THE RAFAEL AND ANJALI SHIP

but I'm happy for him. I'm glad he's getting the space he needs

Dad: Jst found legal age fr drnkng in Buenos Aires is 18.

Rafe: ????

Dad: I hv friends thr.

Rafe: ???

Dad: Thy r watchn u.

Rafe: Creepy but okay.

HJSDCGUIHJGSDCYUICVXUHVUHKDV

THE BOY'S DRINKING Y'ALL

Do it

MILA IS GOING TO NY!!

I like her. she's nice.

He was leaving soon. He didn’t see the point in lying to her. “I ran away from home. Kind of.”

“Why?”

“I hurt someone I love,” Rafael confessed. “The person I love most in the world.”

honey, it wasn't your fault... hugs

Shit. Why wasn’t Bapak going to the accords signing? He had been there for every single one since the very first time.

no no no no is something wrong?? I'm worried.

“You look taller,” Rafael told his brother who hadn’t grown an inch.

LMAO

Max and I are vertically challenged.

“Rafe, go to talk to him. Or I will tell everyone you’ve been smoking in the balcony!”

So, he was going to pin this on him, huh? This little shit.

well-

“You’ve progressed from freaking to fucking,” he pointed out.

“That’s not the fucking point, Rafael!” Max said in exasperation.

“You did it again,” Rafe pinched Max’s cheek. “My little brother is all grown up now. Linguistically I mean.”

“Dick."

I CAN'T WITH THESE TWO

When he had gone back to Buenos Aires, the place was completely different - even the shadow market.

There were no abandoned children in the streets. There were no racist and ignorant leaders exploiting innocent downworlders.

There was only growth.

His father had done that. Alec Lightwood had helped Joaquin and his people create a new world in Buenos Aires.

This shows how much people can flourish under good leadership if they really try.

YOU KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING THESE NOTES DOWN, NOT CRYING OVER THIS.

“I will protect our family. I will protect our friends. I will protect those who ask for my protection. But I will not tolerate their hate. I will not turn my head and pretend it doesn’t hurt. Because it does hurt and that’s not okay.”

Rafael smiled at that. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not okay.”

“The accords is important. But so am I. There is no point in signing a treaty that is meant to value equality if I have to sign it while being surrounded by those who refuse to respect me or my identity. I simply cannot do it, Rafael. I hope you understand.”

I'm sobbing like YES YOU DONT OWE THEM SHIT. THESE UNGRATEFUL BITCHES.

“It’s taken me a while to realize this. But I don’t owe the nephilim anything,” Bapak said firmly. “It’s about time they realize that too.”

YES EXACTLY

“I’ve known shadowhunters for a long time, Rafael. Good ones. Bad ones. All kinds of them – and shadowhunters have always defined themselves by their love. Not by your weapons. Not by your runes. Not by your last names. Not by your laws. Shadowhunters have always defined themselves by love. So, don’t ever let them take that away from you.”

I want this on a T-shirt. These damn shadowhunters and their love.

“Like the Accords Hall kiss?” Rafael grinned.

“It’s the stupidest thing your father had ever done – which is really saying something,” his father laughed. “But it’s also the bravest thing I’ve ever seen him do. And that’s how I knew.”

affectionate sigh that's alec.

“Good. Max is sitting in the porch and singing All by Myself,” Tessa chuckled and closed the door. “Just thought you should know!!”

Rafael giggled at that. “He must have given you hell.”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” Bapak shrugged, and Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Fine. I might have promised to buy him a car when he turns 18.”

“You’re hoping he would stop aging by then, aren’t you?” Rafael chuckled.

Max is so dramatic I aspire to be like him.

Blue banners when the lost return, the shadowhunter rhythm said.

Rafael had returned home – and he was no longer lost.

I'm ok I say as I cry during my history class

I'm so proud of him.

“Well, that needs to be rectified immediately,” Dad said in the Consul Voice and literally yelled. “I am about to kiss my son – on both cheeks! You better gossip about this too!”

“Oh my god, stop!” Rafael giggled and tried to escape.

“YAS!” he heard Uncle Jace yelled from somewhere. “GIVE US A FOREHEAD KISS TOO!”

THEY ARE SO DRAMATIC I LOVE THESE IDIOTS SO MUCH.

THEM ADDING TO THE ACCORDS AS THEY SHOULD OMG

“The hell is hate speech?” someone asked.

Do you not have a dictionary you uncultured swine

“There is a very clear difference between free speech and hate speech,” Cristina Rosales pointed out. “The fact that you don’t seem to know that is all the more reason for us to include this provision.”

YES CRISTINA

“By the angel,” an old man gasped. “There is no need to be so emotional. The younger generation can be such snowflakes.”

What if I just strangles him

“Discriminatory language?” a woman demanded. “What does that even mean?”

“Calling vampires bloodsuckers,” Lily Chen answered.

“Calling warlocks demon spawns,” Ragnor Fell pointed out.

“Calling werewolves fleabags,” Maia Roberts declared.

“Calling faeries half-breeds,” Kieran Kingson all but yelled.

The fact that they have had to deal with this shit for YEARS. (also why Kingson? isn't Kieran the king?)

THE QUEEN HERSELF IS HERE Y'ALL

“Which one of you shitheads said hate speech is harmless?” Anjali demanded, her voice booming over everyone and everything else.

YES ANJALI

Anjali had a grin of her own. “While that might true, Paige, there is most certainly a law on child protection. You didn’t just hurt Magnus Bane. You also hurt his son. Section 7 of the Child Protection Bill states that any person who physically or emotionally injures a child through ill-treatment, neglect, abandonment or abuse is guilty of breaking the covenant.”

“Damn straight!” someone yelled from the crowd – it sounded suspiciously like Kit.

CALL THESE BITCHES OUT YES

“Rafael is not a child!” someone yelled again. A lot of them this time. “It’s still not illegal. The law doesn’t say so!”

“By the angel, for someone who is obsessed with the law you people seem to know nothing about it,” Anjali said in exasperation. “The child protection law defines a child as a person under 18 years OR younger. The incident happened when he was still 18. It’s illegal.”

YES ANJALI FUCK THESE PEOPLE

“I’m the Inquisitor’s daughter,” she said. “Next time, think twice before you quote the law at me.”

SHOW THEM, QUEEN

How did she know his birthday????

ahem

“So, if you do hurt him emotionally, you can still be implicated. You will face charges and you can possibly be stripped of your runes,” Anjali pointed out seriously. “Now I ask you again. Does anyone else have to say anything about him?”

There was absolute silence then.

“Didn’t fucking think so,” Anjali spat. “I literally had to mention the stripping of your marks for you to respect another person’s basic rights. If you give half the value you place on your precious runes to other people, we wouldn’t be in exile right now.”

The Cohort looked terrified – of Anjali or their future in the Clave, Rafael didn’t know.

“People are dying,” Anjali said, her voice heavy now. “Our people are fucking dying, and you seem to be more bothered with who is sleeping with whom. Shame on you. Shame on all of you!”

She turned to the Council. The Inquisitor looked like he was going to cry from pride. Rafael’s dad looked half terrified but mostly impressed. Lily was blowing kisses at Anjali. The other downworld leaders looked quite pleased.

Shadowhunters are so fucking bigoted and narrow-minded. I'm seething right now.

also, alec looking scared-

“THAT’S THE BEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!” Emma Carstairs yelled.

“Goddamn, I wish Magnus was here to see this,” Uncle Jace grinned. “That was satisfying as hell.”

“No worries, I recorded the whole thing!” Kit put up his hand.

YES YES AND YES

“Fuck the Cohort,” Rafael giggled.

“Actually, I would prefer you use the word screw,” his father pointed out. “Screw the Cohort!”

“Oh my god, Dad!” Rafael rolled his eyes. “I am allowed to swear once in a while.”

“No, you are not,” Dad said firmly – this man was so not ready to meet Max’s new persona. “As your friend pointed out, you are still a child.”

Alec seeing Max curse left and right: 👁️👄👁️

"She hates me!"

“Rafael, she stood up for you in front of the entire Clave. She fought the Cohort. It was incredibly brave. I wish she had spoken to me before without causing all the chaos. So, it was a little stupid of course. But still brave.”

Stupid but brave.

YESYESYESYES IT'S HAPPENING!!!

ANJALI WHO HURT YOU

WHO DARED TO

Names. Give me names NOW

Jaime no...please no not Jaime.

please please, please

ok, I searched it up. And he can get treatment. He can live. It doesn't have to be serious. please, Jaime...

“If you ever tell anyone you saw me crying, I will drag you to Idris and drown you in Lake Lyn.”

This is such an Anjali thing to say.

OOO MILLA (Mila?) MESSAGED!!! Is there gonna be some sort of love triangle here??

me who despises love triangles (aside from TID of course): ...

BUT SINCE IT'S YOU I'M SURE IT'LL BE AMAZING. I'm still nervous about this though...

UHCUHDVUKDVHUKVHUVHM I LOVED THIS CHAPTER SO SO SO SO MUCH IT WAS A LITERAL ROLLERCOASTER AND ANJALI QUEEN I LOVE

see ya on Friday!!

OKAY I AM LOVING THIS ENERGY BUT PLEASE FOCUS ON YOUR CLASSES FJKSDFHJKSJFHKD I PROMISE THE STORY IS GOING TO BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK LOL.

But I am so glad you like it. Amidst all your screaming and chaos, I always find very perceptive and profound observations. It's fantastic! I love it so much!

Thank you for enjoying LBAF - and good luck with your tests!!!

[moonlight-breeze-44]

sacrifice (i would have loved you all my life)

The fic based on a prompt from @thelightofthebane is finally here! It will be posted in four chapters, this being the first <3 I hope you enjoy!! 

Read on AO3

Alec took a deep breath and willed his hands to stop shaking. He didn’t have much time.

The half-written letter on his desk glared at him, and Alec sighed. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t find the words. How was he supposed to tell his family that he would never see them again? It was feeling more and more like an impossibility with each minute that ticked by.

“Right,” Alec muttered to himself. “I can do this.” He picked up the pen once more.

Jace,

By the time you find this, I’ll be gone. You’re going to lose your parabatai rune. It’s going to feel like I’m dying, but I’m not. I can’t explain everything, but I’m doing this for Magnus. You didn’t see him at the loft, after I tried to propose. He was devastated. Heartbroken. He can’t go on like this, without his magic. He needs it back. This is the only way. I’m sorry. I love you and I wish I didn’t have to do this.

Please don’t look for me. I know I’m making the right choice. It’s hard, but it’s for the best. Watch out for the others. Don’t do what you always do and get yourself killed. Clary and the others are there, if you’d just let them be. Please let them, Jace, for me.

I’ll miss you. You’ll be okay, Jace. Everyone will be.

Remember that our rune is just a symbol of what we have. When it breaks, we won’t break. We’ll always be parabatai, even without the rune.

Alec

Alec exhaled shakily and folded the letter into an envelope, scrawling Jace’s name on top of it. There. That would have to do. There was so much more that he wanted to say to his parabatai, but he didn’t have the time. He still had to write letters for Izzy, his mom, and Magnus.

Alec took a deep breath and reached for another sheet of paper. He didn’t regret his choice, but he was starting to realise just how much he had to give up. Magnus, he reminded himself. This is for Magnus.

With that, Alec steeled himself and started to write once more.

Izzy,

By the time you find this, I’ll be gone. I’m not dead. I’m not being coerced into writing this. This is my choice. Please don’t look for me. Tell Jace not to look for me, too. Things are going to be bad for a while, but this is the way it has to be. I’m sorry.

I can’t explain everything right now; I’m running out of time. But just know that I’m doing this for Magnus, because I love him and because he deserves so much more than I could ever give him. Please take care of him for me, Iz. I know this won’t be easy, but it’s for the best.

I’ll miss you, Izzy. It’ll be alright, I promise. You’ll be okay without me. I love you, little sis.

Alec

It took all of his willpower to keep from breaking down. This was Izzy, this was his little sister, this was the person that he had watched over and taken care of since he was five. Leaving her felt a little like leaving a piece of himself behind, and Alec had to wonder how many pieces he would have left at the end of all this.

His shoulder burned for a split second, and Alec looked back just in time to see another rune disappear from his skin. He sucked in a deep breath, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He had to keep going. The curse was working faster than he was.

Alec wrote Izzy’s name on her envelope and set it to the side with Jace’s, reaching for another sheet of paper. He had to hurry.

Mom,

By the time you find this, I’ll be gone. I can’t explain everything, but please know that I am alive and safe. I can’t promise you’ll see me again, but I can promise that this is for the best and this is my decision and mine alone.

I know you won’t understand, even if you figure out the truth, but all I can say is that I love Magnus and there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for him. One day - maybe with Luke (and yes, I know) - I hope that you’ll understand.

I love you, Mom. I wish we had more time together, to fix things. As it is, I’m counting on you to do right by Jace and Izzy. I know you haven’t always seen eye to eye with them, but they’ll need you. Take care of them for me.

I’m sorry.

Alec

Alec blew out a harsh breath and folded his mom’s letter, giving it the same treatment that he’d given the others. The letters were forming a pile now, a little stack of white that made dread settle in Alec’s stomach. They were the last of him that his family would have, and that thought made him want to collapse to the floor and weep, mourn everything that he was going to lose and everything that he would miss and all of the people that he was letting down. But he knew he couldn’t. His runes were steadily disappearing and he still had work to do.

Feeling sick, Alec grabbed one final sheet of paper and prepared himself for the last letter he had to write. Magnus’s letter.

Dear Magnus,

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. Please don’t come looking for me. You can’t interfere. Please leave it alone. I promise that I will be okay.

I can’t possibly begin to explain this to you, but I know that I have a responsibility to try. Magnus, when I saw you break down like that in the loft, it made me realise something. It made me realise how badly you were hurting and how much you were suffering without your magic. I’m so sorry that I didn’t realise before. I was so caught up in saving Jace and stopping Lilith that I never stopped to think about how much you might be hurting. I’m sorry.

I had to do something after that, and this is me doing something. I won’t explain it all to you, because I know you’ll try to come after me and undo what I did, and I can’t let you do that. I won’t let you go back to a life without your magic. It was killing you.

Magnus, you deserve so much - you deserve someone that will always make you a priority and never put you in second place. You deserve the world. You don’t deserve me. I will never be good enough for you, Magnus.

I know it’ll be hard, but please try to move on. Find love again. Get married. Have kids. Love your life like you used to before everything got so complicated. You deserve that. You deserve everything.

I love you more than words can say, and I will miss you so much. I’m sorry, Magnus. Please, please choose again. Choose somebody better. I’m not your choice. I’m sorry.

I love you.

Alec

Alec folded the letter with shaking fingers, ignoring the teardrops that splashed onto the paper. He stuffed it into an envelope and just managed to scrawl Magnus’s name on top of it and toss it onto the pile with the rest of them before he broke down in tears.

Memories rushed into Alec’s mind, unbidden - his first kiss with Magnus, at his wedding, and the way Magnus had kissed him back like he was air and Magnus couldn’t fucking breathe. His first mission with Jace, and the way that they moved together so fluently that they just knew, right from the very beginning, that they were destined to be parabatai. When Izzy was born, and Alec had slept beside her crib for three nights afterwards, whispering promises into the air about always protecting her and keeping her safe.

Alec choked on a sob and desperately tried to pull himself together. He felt the burn of his deflect rune disappearing, and that made him dig his fingernails into his palms, hard. The extra bite of pain grounded him, centered him in a way that nothing else could at the moment. That was the rune that Magnus had always loved, always said was “placed perfectly, Alexander” and always damn near worshiped in bed. Losing it was like losing a tie to Magnus, and Alec had to grip the edge of his desk so tightly that he feared his fingers might break in order to keep himself under control.

Right. He had to snap out of it. There was still more to do.

Alec glamoured himself invisible and slipped out of his office, letters in hand. He stopped by the training room to grab his bow and quiver before he made his way to Jace, Izzy, and Maryse’s rooms to slip their letters under their doors. By the time they woke up in the morning, Alec knew, he would have no idea who they were. That thought alone made him want to break down again, but he shoved his emotions aside with practiced ease and continued on.

The cool night air was a welcome change from the Institute’s stifling atmosphere, and Alec took a deep breath, trying to appreciate the sights and sounds of New York before his last rune disappeared.

By the time he made it to Magnus’s, Alec only had four runes left - his glamour, his iratze, advanced hearing, and his parabatai rune. He shivered, trying not to think about it. His parabatai rune, he knew, would be the last to go, and all Alec could do was hope that the other runes would take a few hours to disappear so that the breaking of his bond with Jace wouldn’t wake the other boy up. He at least wanted Jace to be awake, maybe have Clary with him, something. The hardest part of all of this was leaving the people he cared about behind.

“See that Mr. Bane gets this tomorrow morning,” Alec instructed the boy who worked at the front desk of Magnus’s apartment building, slipping him a 20 for good measure. With that, he walked out of Magnus’s building for possibly the last time, and headed for the park.

Alec wasn’t sure what made him choose the park, of all places, to lose the last of his runes, but the feeling of the gardens settled something in him when he sat down on the park bench. This would be the last time he sat in this park as a Shadowhunter, the last time he would look down and see the physical representation of his bond with Jace marking his skin. Finally, for the first time all night, Alec put his head in his hands and allowed himself to cry.

[echo-bleu]

Hi, hello, hey! I'd like to request #48, I'm in the mood for angst 💙 Never worry about length, I love & adore everything you write 💙💙💙

Em. I know that by “never worry about length” you meant “it can be super short”. I swear I meant to write something short. I...didn’t.

#48 “You make me want things I can’t have.”

It’s currently 22k and still growing. There will be 5 or 6 chapters, and the prompt doesn’t even come into it until late chapter 4...

It is ANGSTY. It’s a canon divergence where Magnus erases his memories of Alec in 3x19 Read at your own risk and maybe prepare tissues. But I promise a happy ending.

This was betaed by the amazing JeanBoulet. Huge thanks also to the folks at the Fandom Playhouse discord server for all the encouragement and squealing! Especially you Em: I love you and this is a slightly early Christmas present!

[Specific warnings: suicidal thoughts (mentioned), terminal illness/poisoning, internalized ableism]

Summary:

Over the ten months that follow Alec's deal with Asmodeus, Alec struggles to adapt to a world without Magnus in it, Magnus falls in love all over again and everyone just tries to make it through another day.

or

Alec is dying from venom poisoning and Magnus doesn't even remember him.

Read on AO3.

take me back to the start (1)

He’s in Pandemonium, staring across the room at an apparition with a bow in his hand.

He’s in his loft and standing over a pentagram, an electric jolt going through his body as he links hands with someone.

He’s kneeling in his living room, pulling energy from the hand in his, stumbling back against a lean and muscular body, exhausted.

He’s holding up his glass and toasting with a tall man, whispering words, flirting.

He’s watching the man train, shirtless, swallowing back his desire and trying to find the words to say how much he wants him.

He’s standing in a corridor, hurt and heartbroken, the man turning his back on him.

He’s storming into a wedding, and the man is striding toward him—

Wait.

Back up.

*

Back to the start.

*

There’s something bittersweet about being back at Pandemonium after all this time. They’re not here to chase a demon this time, or to offer a priceless jewel in exchange for a summoning. They were trying to get Clary’s memories back then, too, Alec remembers. He was against that plan from the beginning, but it led him to Magnus.

He thought himself in love with Jace, back then.

It’s a strange and painful turn of events that leads them back here. He’s not in love with Jace anymore. Clary isn’t the only one missing her memories. Izzy isn’t wearing that necklace today, though it’s been around her neck every day since—

Alec stops his recollection right there, before it turns into something else. He struggles inside, leaning heavily on his crutches. The music assaults his ears as soon as he’s past the door and he winces. He stays back as Jace and Izzy lose themselves into the crowd. He shouldn’t even be here. He doesn’t know why he decided to come, beside to punish himself.

He adjusts his grip on the crutches and looks around the large, dimly lit room, his height allowing him to scan the crowd easily. He can still see Jace and Izzy making progress toward the mezzanine on the other side of the room. The raised space is less crowded, reserved by the bouncers as a VIP section. Alec can distinguish the couches where a mix of Downworlders are lounging, Seelies blending in with vampires and werewolves.

And a single warlock.

Magnus looks different. He’s let his hair grow a little, and it’s not styled up but to the side, streaked with green and purple — or maybe that’s just the light playing tricks on Alec’s eyes. His outfit is flamboyant, gold brocade on a deep red velvet, the high collar opened on his chest to reveal multiple necklaces. Alec swallows hard.

Alec wonders, even now, if Magnus toned himself down for him when they were together, or if he simply didn’t feel the need to be noticed by other people as much when he was with Alec.

Jace and Izzy reach the stairs and briefly argue with the bouncer at the bottom. After a minute, Magnus makes a gesture and they’re allowed in. Alec can’t hear them, not over the deafening music. He forces himself to take his eyes off Magnus and slowly, painstakingly makes his way around the room, circumventing the crowd to avoid getting toppled over. His balance isn’t good enough anymore to risk the dance floor, and he’s in enough pain as it is without taking a fall.

Izzy and Jace are arguing with Magnus, clearly agitated, when Alec makes it to the mezzanine. The bouncer lets him through without protesting. Alec doesn’t look up until he’s made it up the stairs, and when he does, he can hear bits of shouted conversation amid the music.

“—for a bunch of Shadowhunters to come to my club—”

“Magnus, I know you’re angry, but this is about—”

“I don’t know why I’d even listen to Lightwoods of all people—”

“Magnus! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

That’s Jace. Alec wants to intervene, but he can’t bring himself to yell from across the room. He’s not sure he can speak at all.

“I know Alec broke your heart, but—” Izzy starts.

Alec braces himself. Magnus’ eyes land on him, but there’s no recognition in them, only a frown. The truth feels like a knife twisting in Alec’s gut. He was still holding on to hope but his mother was right, there’s no denying it now. Then Magnus looks at Jace and Izzy, his gaze turning angry, and back at Alec. There’s a vague curiosity on his face, a slight tilt of his head Alec knows well — but not anymore, because it’s not meant to be this way—

“Who’s Alec?” Magnus asks.

The knife twists again. Alec stumbles, hissing in pain. It feels like an actual, physical wound. His throat knots up, and he turns away from Magnus. He needs to get out of here.

He ignores the stabbing pain in his hip as he stumbles down the stairs, a mess of crutches and barely controlled steps, and it’s a miracle he doesn’t end up face down at the bottom. He runs out the backdoor as fast as he can, into a back alley smelling of piss and forgotten garbage. The contents of his stomach make it to the floor, behind a trash can.

He leans against the wall, barely avoiding stepping into a puddle of his own vomit, and stays there until breathing doesn’t feel like swallowing needles anymore. He doesn’t know how long it’s been when Jace and Izzy find him. He can’t get Magnus’ face out of his head. The way his eyes slid over Alec like he wasn’t even there. Who’s Alec?

“Alec,” Jace calls him. He must have felt Alec’s distress through the parabatai bond. Though Alec isn’t sure what Jace feels from him anymore, these days. Between the agony of leaving Magnus and his injury, Alec has tried his best to close his side of the bond.

And the last few days, he’s pretty sure Jace has tried to do the same for him. He looks rough, like he hasn’t slept in days — none of them has. Not since Clary left.

“Did he agree?” he asks.

Izzy scrunches up her face in pain. “Yeah, but—”

“He doesn’t remember us,” Alec states.

“Alec—”

“He erased his memories of me, and by extension, you. I hoped he’d remember Clary, since he knew her from before.”

“He does, that’s why he agreed to help,” Jace says. There’s hope and sorrow mixing on his face, warring with each other like he doesn’t know how to feel either. “But how could he—”

“I broke his heart,” Alec murmurs. “He has the power to erase me, so he did. At least he’s not hurting.”

“You knew?” Izzy asks, shocked.

“Yes. Mom went to see him, before the battle. She figured out what I’d done and she tried to tell him. He treated her like she was still a Circle member and he shut the door in her face. She told me once I woke up.”

“Oh, Alec,” Izzy squeezes his arm. Alec leans into her touch, even though he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want comfort. He wants...he wants the sweet relief of oblivion, too. But he’s not going to get that. Not yet.

And he wouldn’t want to forget Magnus for the world.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Jace asks.

Alec looks away, fighting back tears. It’s answer enough. He didn’t want to believe it, not really. He knew. He knew when Magnus didn’t come after the battle of Alicante. Catarina confirmed it, with a gentleness that surprised even Alec.

But everyone is gentle with him these days, like they’re walking on eggs. He’s become fragile. No, broken.

Broken beyond repair.

*

Magnus sighs. Having Shadowhunters in his loft makes his skin crawl. At least when he told them to bring a fifth they chose someone decent, Clary’s vampire friend Simon. It might make it harder to do the ritual, but Magnus won’t have to clean up after a fourth thoughtless Shadowhunter.

The two he’s already interacted with — Jace and Isabelle — are brash and annoying, clearly used to the spotlight. Simon seems to be dating Isabelle, though Magnus can hardly see what he sees in her beside her looks. She was downright rude the other day.

The third Shadowhunter is more interesting. He’s tall and handsome, honestly one of the most beautiful men Magnus has ever seen, though he looks sad and drawn. There’s something familiar about him that Magnus can’t place. Unlike his sister, he doesn’t particularly look like either of his parents, so it’s not that. Maybe something from one of the other Lightwoods or Truebloods Magnus has known over the years.

He’s avoiding Magnus’ gaze with a consistency that would be admirable if it wasn’t uncomfortable. Is he really so sure of his superiority that he won’t even look a Downworlder in the eyes?

No, it’s not that. Magnus is almost sure there’s something else, something he should know. Something...something to do with the box in his nightstand, the one with a carved bow and arrows on the lid.

He knows what the box is. He knows it contains memories he chose to remove from his mind, memories that must have been painful – Magnus knows himself. If the memories had been dangerous, he’d have put them somewhere safer. This is something else. This is personal. And something in his subconscious is telling him that these Shadowhunters have something to do with it.

It’s only one more reason not to trust them, as far as Magnus is concerned. If they hurt him badly enough that he had to remove his memories...that means heartbreak. Did they do something to his lover, somehow? Did they kill the one Magnus loved?

The tall Shadowhunter – Alec – talks quietly with his siblings in a corner of the room. He’s walking with difficulty, leaning on metal crutches that make a soft tap on the floor each time he takes a step. Magnus tracks him through the room that way, watching him through the corner of his eyes. Each move looks painful, and there’s something emanating from him, like an unknown sickness. Some sort of battle injury, Magnus guesses. From fighting demons in New York, or from the now infamous Battle of Alicante four months ago? He knows there were many casualties, and there must have been wounded Shadowhunters too.

“Magnus,” Isabelle calls him quietly. Magnus snaps back to the task at hand. They’re not here for a social call.

“What?” he snaps at her.

“I know you don’t remember us, but you know you’re missing memories, right?”

“Yes,” Magnus sighs. “I’m not interested in knowing more about them, especially not from you. I removed them for a reason.”

“Alright, alright,” Isabelle relents. “So, do you think you can help Clary?”

“If the Angels took away her runes and her memories, it’s not going to be the same as simply unlocking a mental block or retrieving memories,” Magnus says. “This won’t be easy, and I’m not sure it can be done.”

He sees the others, except Alec, gather around him to listen. “Once, you helped her get back her memories,” Jace said. “It didn’t work—” he glances at Alec across the room, “—but it could have.”

Magnus’ memory of that day is present, but incomplete, full of holes he knows are due to a memory spell. He doesn’t remember why it didn’t work. He hopes it won’t matter today.

“Those memories were ones I took myself,” he says. “I fed them to a memory demon. Biscuit’s current situation is a tad more complicated.”

“Then what are you going to do?” Isabelle asks.

“You said she has pure angel blood, didn’t you? And so do you,” Magnus points at Jace. “The same blood, in fact.”

“That’s right.”

“We’re going to use that. We’re going to ask for her memories back directly from the source. We’re going to summon an angel.”

“Is it safe?” Alec asks, approaching them, and Magnus realizes that this is the first time he’s spoken aloud in his presence.

“No,” Magnus answers.

“Alec, if there’s even a chance—” Jace pleads. “We have to.”

Alec closes his eyes, looking pained. “Jace—”

“No, Alec. It’s not fair. She didn’t chose this.”

Alec opens his eyes again, his whole body stiffening. Isabelle’s eyes widen as she looks between him and Jace, and even Jace seems to freeze in shock at his own words. The whole room appears to hold its breath, waiting to see Alec snap.

“You’re right,” Alec says after a moment, his shoulders slumping. He looks like he’s holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. Magnus feels a strange instinct to help him, to offer a body to lean on – but he doesn’t move. “She didn’t. We’ll do it.”

He’s clearly the leader of their group, because after that, there’s no protest, no question, not even from Simon. In fact, Simon looks at Alec with a mixture of admiration and sadness in his eyes, and his gaze is hard when he turns back toward Magnus.

Magnus doesn’t know what he’s done to provoke this kind of hostility. From cocky Shadowhunters like Jace and Isabelle, he expects it, though he’s starting to suspect that their carelessness is only a facade. From Simon, with whom he’s only had friendly, even fatherly interactions? Not so much.

Alec seems to be the only one not angry with him in some way. Instead, he steals looks at Magnus when he thinks Magnus is not looking, and his gaze in those moments is too intense, filled with emotions Magnus can’t even begin to comprehend.

Isabelle makes Alec sit down on the couch while Magnus prepares the ingredients needed for the ritual. Alec refuses at first, looking around him like he doesn’t want to touch anything in the loft, but he relents after half an hour, clearly in a lot of pain. He stays with his back ramrod straight, refusing to relax. He touches the leather of the couch almost reverently, and Isabelle just tilts her head sadly.

Magnus is being far too curious about them. He has no reason to be. They’re just Shadowhunters paying for his services, that’s all. He needs to focus on helping Clary.

The ritual involves painting the ceiling as well as the floor, so he concentrates all his magic on the intricate drawings. “Is this some kind of angelic pentagram?” Simon asks curiously.

“Not exactly,” Magnus answers. “There are similar elements, but this is an angelic Seal.” He doesn’t add that it’s the archangel seal he inherited from his father. An entrance to Heaven, right here at his doorstep, even for a Fallen angel. “It still needs five people to activate it.”

“Summoning an angel,” Simon says. “It’s gotta be dangerous, right? I mean, not for them, but for us?” he gestures to Magnus and himself, excluding the Shadowhunters.

“It could be painful, if the angel doesn’t like our demon blood. Are you ready to do that for Clary?”

“I’d go to Hell for her,” Simon says, tilting his head. “And further.”

Magnus nods. “Angels are unpredictable, but this one will be bound by the Seal. He shouldn’t be able to do true harm.”

“So we just ask him to give back Clary’s memories?” Isabelle asks.

“I’m just handling the Seal,” Magnus says. “It will take all my energy. Jace will ask the question. I suggest you think about what you want to ask.”

Jace nods from where he’s standing in parade rest by Alec. “I already know,” he says.

“Then gather up,” Magnus says. “I’m ready.”

They all stand around the circle he painted on the ground, each going inside one of the smaller circles linked by a network of white lines. Alec leaves his crutches on the floor outside of the Seal area and limps over to his spot with a grunt, standing with his full weight on his good leg.

“Link hands,” Magnus orders.

Isabelle and Jace exchange a look Magnus can’t interpret. They’re on each side of Alec, with Simon beside Isabelle and Magnus completing the circle between him and Jace. He reaches out and clasps his hands with the two men.

The pull on Magnus’ power, as soon as the circle is closed, is immense. If he hadn’t recently received an enormous boost, thanks to his father’s death and Edom’s destruction, he wouldn’t have been able to handle it. He focuses his energy on keeping the Seal stable, between the floor and the ceiling, a column of light with them on the outside.

The form of the angel starts to shimmer inside the light, wings folded back against his back. He doesn’t become fully solid, instead remaining ethereal, almost see-through.

“Who dares to summon an angel?”

His mouth doesn’t move, but the voice rings in all their heads.

Magnus grits his teeth against the pain blooming in his chest, tightening his hold on Simon and Jace’s hands. It was always going to be painful. The angels hate nothing more than demon blood, even – especially – when the blood is from a fallen angel. It hurts like hell, but Magnus has been to hell, and he’s come back. He can do this. Simon is wincing, but not as badly, his own demon blood more diluted.

What Magnus doesn’t expect is for Alec to cry out and crumple, barely holding onto his siblings’ hands. He’s angel-blooded. He shouldn’t be in pain. Or is it just his injury acting up under the pressure of the Seal?

He looks barely conscious, his mouth half-opened in a cry of pain. Magnus swallows against his own throbbing chest and signals to Jace to get a move on.

“Raziel’s soldier, and Ithuriel’s child,” he answers. “I am of angel blood.”

The angel turns toward him. “Jonathan Herondale. Yes, we know of you. What do you want from the Angels?”

“My lover, Clarissa Fairchild. She’s one of your children, too. You took her powers and her memories.”

“She played with powers beyond her understanding,” the angel says. “She was punished.”

“I’m asking the angels for forgiveness,” Jace says. “Forgive her, and she and I will be your soldiers on Earth, for as long as you desire.”

Magnus grimaces and hopes Jace knows what he’s doing. He hasn’t had much dealings with the angels before, but this is a not promise that can be taken lightly.

The pain is getting harder to bear, and Magnus wishes Jace would hurry up. Simon is looking a little frayed around the edges, his face screwed up in pain.

Alec looks like he’s hanging on by a thread.

“It is not in my power to decide,” the angel says. “But the Angels are fair. We do not deal punishment unjustly. Her sentence is not forever.”

“She’ll be forgiven?” Jace asks, his surprise showing through his facade. “She’ll get her memories and her runes back?”

“Eventually.”

“But when?”

The angel opens his mouth, but before he can answer, Alec lets out a cry of pain and his hands slip out of his siblings as he falls to the floor. The circle breaks, and the pillar of light disappears, taking the angel with it. “No!” Jace cries out, but he doesn’t reach for the angel. He reaches for Alec instead.

He falls to his knees beside his brother. “Alec!”

“I’m fine,” Alec grunts, through he’s clearly anything but. He’s curled up on himself, his face white with agony, even now that the angel is gone and the pressure on Magnus’ chest has left. “I’m sorry, Jace.”

“It’s okay, brother,” Jace murmurs. “Why did he react like this?” he asks louder, looking up at Magnus.

Magnus shakes his head. “I don’t know. It should only have done that if he had demon blood.”

Jace and Isabelle share a look, and Simon’s breath hitches. Magnus looks between them, but none of them is forthcoming with whatever knowledge they have that Magnus doesn’t share.

Alec sits up with Jace’s help, his hand going to his right hip as he groans in pain. “Help me up,” he asks his brother. Jace seems ready to protest, but he must see something in Alec’s face, because he gets Alec’s arm around his shoulders instead. Isabelle goes to retrieve the crutches and gives them back to Alec, who takes them with trembling hands.

Magnus’ heart tightens, seeing him in such obvious pain. He doesn’t know why—

Or maybe he does. The signs are all there, and it’s time he stopped pretending not to see them.

These Shadowhunters didn’t hurt his lover or his friends. These Shadowhunters were his friends, somehow. And Alec…

Alec is the one who must have broken his heart. That’s the only explanation for what Magnus feels right now. It’s like body memory, almost, a level of compassion and love that cannot possibly come from the few interactions they’ve had that he remembers.

Magnus steels himself against the part of his brain that wants to get the memory box from his nightstand right now and open it. He removed those memories for a reason. Because living with them must have hurt too much.

He’s not going to go back on that and expose himself to that kind of suffering just because he’s curious.

“What does it mean for Clary?” Simon asks.

“I don’t know,” Jace says. “He said she’d be forgiven eventually, but—”

“Angels don’t see the passage of time like you do,” Magnus cuts in. “It could be years. Decades.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Isabelle asks. Alec remains quiet, head down, still leaning against Jace.

“Nothing I can think of,” Magnus answers. He stands up straighter. “Which means you’re no longer in need of my services. Please refrain from coming back here unless there’s a true emergency.”

He doesn’t want the reminder that he decided to erase the last — what, three years? — of his life.

Isabelle looks visibly shaken by that, and she swallows. Alec doesn’t look up at all. He turns away like he doesn’t want Magnus to see his face, and Magnus wonders what he’s trying to hide. Jace throws him a murderous look, and Simon shakes his head in sadness.

“We’ll get out of your hair, then,” Isabelle says quietly. “We won’t bother you again.”

Good riddance, Magnus thinks.

It rings wrong even in his head.

*

“How are you doing?”

Izzy leans against the door frame of Alec’s office. She looks tired, overworked. She’s taken on so much in the last few months.

It’s been two weeks since Alec collapsed at Magnus’. He can still feel the pain burning through his veins, eating away at his body, each day bringing him closer to the edge.

“I’m fine,” Alec says, putting down his pen. He shifts in his seat painfully, his hip seizing. He’s been sitting still for too long.

“I wish you would stop saying that,” Izzy sighs.

“I wish you would stop asking me,” Alec shrugs.

They’ve been beating around the bush, trying to ignore the elephant in the room. It’s too big to tackle during work days. They go through the motions like it all still matters, the Clave, the Downworld Cabinet, the patrols. Alec can see Jace and Izzy struggle with it, but he can’t do anything for them.

Clary’s gone back to art school, all knowledge of the Shadow World erased from her mind. Alec has made sure that she’s safe and settled, and all that’s left is watching Jace tear himself apart as he grieves. The hope that the angel brought them isn’t enough. Not when it’s so vague.

Not when everything else is falling apart, too.

It’s been just over four months since it started, since the day Alec made a deal with Asmodeus. It feels like an eternity ago, and yet also like it was yesterday. Magnus’ desperation as Alec broke up with him is seared in his mind forever, and it accompanies Alec’s every waking thought.

Magnus doesn’t remember.

It’s a comfort, these days. Losing Magnus will remain the hardest thing Alec has ever done, but he’s thankful for it, however much it hurts. Because it means that Magnus has his magic again, that he can be happy.

Because it means that Magnus doesn’t have to live through the aftermath.

It’s been four months, too, since the Battle of Alicante. Magnus missed it all. He wasn’t there when they all thought they were going to die there, trapped by the demon hordes, caught in between two forces of evil. He wasn’t there to hold Alec’s hand when he woke up in the hospital to a broken body and demon venom coursing through his veins.

He wasn’t there, when they figured out that it was a death sentence.

Catarina slowed the spread of the venom, but nothing she or the Silent Brothers tried could get it out of his system.

“You’re hurting,” Izzy says, walking in fully and closing the door behind her. “I can see it. I know you don’t like the painkillers, but you need them.”

Painfree runes have long stopped working on Alec’s abused body. The mundane pills were Catarina’s idea. She was there in the aftermath of the battle, when Magnus wasn’t, she ran triage with the Silent Brothers and saved countless Shadowhunters. She did her best to piece Alec’s shattered hip back together and she was the one who figured out what was wrong with him.

“They’re not much use anymore,” Alec admits. The pills are some of the strongest on the market, but his Nephilim body metabolizes everything faster than a mundane, and they barely take the edge off.

No, it’s better that Magnus isn’t here. That he didn’t have to sit by Alec’s bedside after the battle, praying at every new treatment, every test, that something would change. That he doesn’t have to watch the venom slowly win over Alec’s body, leaving him weak and trembling. That he won’t have to wait with them for the day it will reach his heart, and it will all be over.

Maybe a year, Catarina told him. If you stop working and rest most of the time.

Alec has done neither. He can’t. He’ll go out of his mind if he tries to rest anymore than he already does. Work takes his mind off things.

He’s still the Head of the Institute, if only because there is barely enough left of the Clave to hold Alicante together, and appointing new Heads has been the least of their problems.

“There has to be something else we can do,” Izzy says. “To relieve the pain, at least.”

“You know there isn’t,” Alec sighs.

She’s not doing well. None of them are. They’re barely holding themselves together.

They lost their father, the day of the battle. Robert Lightwood didn’t make it out of the destroyed city. They’ve lost Clary and Magnus, and now they’re losing Alec too, as his deterioration accelerates with each passing day.

Their whole family is falling apart.

“Let’s go out tonight,” Izzy says, faking lightness. “We can meet Simon and Maia at the Hunter’s Moon. It will be nice.”

Alec wants to say yes, to give her that, a moment of normalcy amid the chaos. But he’s exhausted and in pain, the ache in his hip never letting up. He’s tired of people watching what they say around him. Looking at him like he’s going to disappear any minute.

He shakes his head. “I think I’ll just go to bed early tonight. I could use the rest.”

Izzy nods wordlessly, disappointed but understanding. “I love you, big brother,” she says.

She says it a lot, these days.

“I love you too,” Alec replies, like every other time. There’s nothing else to say. No it’s gonna be okay, Izzy because it’s not, and they both know it.

Someone knock on the door. “Yes?” Alec calls.

Underhill pokes his head in. “Sir, your mother is here.”

“Let her in,” Alec nods. Maryse has been hovering, and he can’t blame her. Looking at Izzy, he can’t deny her the little bit of hope in her eyes. “Let’s make it a family thing,” he says. “Go get Jace and Max.” He can hold off his exhaustion for a few more hours, for them.

Izzy slips out with a smile on her face and Underhill comes back with Maryse in tow.

“Hey, Mom,” Alec smiles weakly, pushing himself up to greet her.

Maryse strides to his side and hugs him tightly. “Alec,” she breathes, love and pain warring in her voice. “How do you feel today?”

“Not great,” Alec murmurs.

He finds himself honest with her, these days, more than he is with his siblings. She’s been his strongest support, despite their once strained relationship, and Alec is too spent to be angry with her as he once was. All of that doesn’t matter, anymore.

Maryse doesn’t break down, at least not in his presence. But Alec is too much like her for his own good, and he can see her pain in every gesture, in the way her hugs last a little longer, the way she tightens her hand on his arm, the way her voice hitches every time she says goodbye after spending time with him.

She hands him his crutches and supports him as he gets situated. Walking is getting harder every day, as the venom lights his nerve endings on fire with every step on his already unstable hip. Maryse just squeezes his shoulder as he hobbles around his desk and hovers until he’s safely sitting on the couch.

“Tell me,” she says quietly, kicking off her shoes and curling up beside him.

They’ve become tactile in a way they never were before. Neither of them likes being touched much, but as it turns out, terminal illness has a way of making you reevaluate your priorities. Alec lets his family hug him as much as they want to now, even on the days it makes his skin crawl.

He sighs, leaning his shoulder against his mother’s. “The new Inquisitor is a homophobic dick. And he wants me removed. He says I can’t do my job anymore.”

“Jia won’t let him do it,” Maryse says.

“I don’t know. He’s not wrong.”

Maryse takes his hand in hers. “Alec, even now, you’re a much better Head than I ever was. You’re holding up admirably in the worst of circumstances.”

“I’m tired,” Alec murmurs. “I don’t know how long I can do this.”

She squeezes his hand, and he sees her swallow back her emotions. “If you feel like you should step down to rest, I’m sure Jens can handle the fort for a while. Until Izzy’s ready.”

Not until you come back. She’s the only one of all of them who faces the inevitable and doesn’t try to pretend that Alec is going to get better. If nothing else, she’s never been one to shy away from the hard truths.

“Maybe soon,” Alec says. He doesn’t want to, but he’s quickly getting to the point where he won’t be able to work anymore. “I miss him,” he adds, his voice breaking. “I can’t stop.”

Alec can’t get Magnus’ face out of his head. The way Magnus looked at him like he was nothing to him. Alec is nothing to him, now. Magnus doesn’t remember any of their time together.

It hurts more than Alec would have thought possible. He’d thought he’d already reached rock bottom, that nothing could possibly hurt worse than breaking up with Magnus. Than waking up in that hospital bed, having lost everything. But that look haunts him.

Maryse just hugs him without a word.

“Alec!” Max exclaims, rushing into the office with his usual energy. Izzy and Jace are on his heels. He jumps on the couch on Alec’s other side, missing Alec’s quick wince when it jostles his leg.

Max is old enough to understand what’s happening, and not quite old enough to know what to do with his emotions. He alternates between acting like everything is fine and randomly bursting into tears, with no in-between. Today seems to be the former, because he starts rambling about his training without a care in the world.

Alec looks up at Jace and they share an entire conversation in an eyebrow raise. Alec keeps his side of the parabatai bond firmly closed, but he knows that his pain leaks through anyway. He can feel Jace’s despair, the way he’s barely hanging on by a thread.

They say the worst pain a Shadowhunter can endure is the loss of his parabatai. Alec remembers the words. It’s one of the things they learn, in the initial parabatai testing. They’re asked if it’s worth it, risking that.

When they gave a resounding yes, their fourteen-year-old brains had no space to comprehend the pain of today.

Jace and Izzy watch Alec like he’s about to disappear, and he knows, he can see, that they can’t yet imagine what will happen after.

They don’t talk about it during the day. It’s too heavy, to much to bear for all of them.

At night, Alec finds himself more often than not sandwiched between Jace and Izzy in his bed. They come claiming they have nightmares or can’t sleep, never quite saying that they just want to feel close to someone else, close to Alec. They say the words, quietly, the words that won’t come out during the day. It was worth it.

And sometimes, where thou diest, I will die. On those days, Alec hugs Jace tight as he tries to convince himself that he doesn’t mean it, that he will go on.

“—and Kara keeps saying I need to work on my defense, but she’s not a teacher!” Max is saying when Alec tunes back into his surroundings. He’s absently drumming his fingers on his good leg, his other hand still in Maryse’s.

“You should listen to her, Max,” Izzy says. “She’s one of the best fighters of her generation. She’s a fairly new transfer,” she explains to Maryse.

“She’s not even a grown-up!” Max protests. “Besides, Aline said she needs to stop overthinking every fight. So she’s not that good.”

“I don’t think you were supposed to hear that,” Alec says, fairly sure that Aline was not referring Kara’s training but rather the frequent phone calls with her deeply transphobic father that send her crying to either of their offices. “You should spend more time training and less time eavesdropping.”

Max pouts and they all laugh, the lightness of the moment freeing them from the stifling sorrow that’s settled between the adults in the room.

Maryse makes the effort to keep the conversation going after that, though she never releases Alec’s hand. It feels good, to have a normal moment with his family. Jace still has shadows in his eyes, but he settles in a chair and even smiles. Izzy’s cheerfulness sounds a bit fake, but she tries. Alec struggles to keep the pain from showing, but he watches them and feels a deep swarm of love for all of them.

After they’re all gone, Alec painfully stumbles back to his desk and pulls up a piece of paper and a pen.

Dear Magnus, he writes. He pauses, and wishes that even Magnus’ name didn’t make him want to cry. Every minute I spent with you was worth the pain it causes me today.

He writes on, until his hand shakes too much to continue. He doesn’t cross out anything, or bother censuring himself. He puts down his pen, finally, and folds the paper carefully.

He unlocks the bottom drawer of his desk with a rune and opens it. He goes to slip the letter he’s just written inside, but he can’t help but stare at the small box there. He doesn’t open it. He knows its contents by heart. He can almost feel it under his finger, the raised edges of the Lightwood crest in smooth silver, the ring he was going to give Magnus. It will go to Izzy, now. There’s a letter for her, underneath the box.

There are other letters, too. One addressed to the next Head of the Institute, instructions on how to keep the Downworld Cabinet going. Alec’s will, freshly updated. Every Shadowhunter is required to draft a will before their first mission in the field, and rewrite it every year. They know better than any other mortal that they can die at any time.

There’s a letter for Jace. One for Maryse. One for Max, who will have to finish growing up without a father and down one brother.

The rest are for Magnus. During the endless days he spent laid up in the hospital, Alec took to writing him letters. In them, he recounted the strongest beats of their relationship, the sweet moments, the hard truths. Everything Alec can remember, since he now has to remember for them both.

He doesn’t think Magnus will ever read them, but he’s not doing this for Magnus. He’s doing this for himself. One last indulgence, since he’s no longer good for anything else.

A drop falls on the top letter, turning the paper darker. Alec jumps and realizes it’s sweat falling down from his hairline. He puts down today’s letter, carefully tucking it in to make a tidy stack, and closes the drawer, his hands trembling a little. His fever is spiking again. In a few hours, he’ll be delirious and out of his mind.

Jace says he cries out for Magnus, in the worst moments. Alec has stopped letting anyone else into his Soundless-rune proofed room. It’s getting worse. It used to happen every few days, but recently, he hardly ever goes a night without losing himself to the venom in his body.

He’s slipping away.

He doesn’t want to die, if only for the pain he knows it will cause his family. But more and more, on days like today, he thinks it might be a relief.

[bytheangell]

You Can’t Keep Safe What Wants to Break - Chapter 6, Jace

(AO3) (Prologue) (Chapter 1 - Magnus) (Chapter 2, Alec) (Chapter 3, Isabelle & Maryse) (Chapter 4, Simon) (Chapter 5, Clary) Chapter 6, Jace Herondale

It takes Jace three tries to plead his case convincingly enough to the Council representatives assigned to him before they see he isn’t going to change his mind about his decision, but the request is finally acknowledged and approved, and a date set.

One week. He has one week left in the only life he’s ever known before he, for all intents and purposes, has to start from scratch.

He shares the news like a victory, but even as he heaves a sigh of relief he can feel the spike of apprehension now that it’s no longer a ‘what-if’ scenario.

This is really happening. It’s no longer a hypothetical he can debate the merits of, imagining a million ways it could go well and a million ways it could go wrong. It’s going to happen, and every decision he makes leading up to that moment, not to mention every decision he makes after, will shape a very real future for him now.

Not just for him - for Clary, too. They’re in this together. He’s doing this as much for her as he is for himself, and despite his fear of somehow screwing this up he has zero doubts about one thing: Clary is his soulmate. They were always meant to be together, and now they would be. As long as that one constant holds true then the rest will fall into place.

He’s sure of it.

---

Jace tells everyone that they don’t need to come the day he gets deruned. The past few days of waiting involve numerous reassurances that he’s fine, and will be fine after, and that he doesn’t expect any of them to be there. He could never ask that of them. He’s heard the stories - how the screams of the person getting deruned will echo through the halls despite the noise-dampening runes on the room - and he can’t ask them to listen to that. He’s already asking so much (too much) from them as it is.

Jace arrives alone. He has to - Clary isn’t allowed in, not even for this. But the moment he crosses the entryway he finds himself flanked by Alec and, to his surprise, Izzy.

There’s a small but sad smile on Alec’s face at the sight of his shock. “You didn’t think we were going to let you do this alone, did you?”

Jace can’t help the tears that gather in his eyes as he looks uncertainly at Izzy. She hadn’t properly spoken to him since the day of the family gathering at Maryse’s, and when she did it was only ever work-related. To see her here, now…

“Three go in,” she says with a determined nod, though her eyes are puffy and there are fresh tear tracks on her face. “Three come out. We’ll be there, hermano. Every step of the way.”

“Thank you,” Jace says, reaching out to pull both of them into a hug. If they notice the hitch in his breath or the way his hands shake ever-so-slightly they don’t say anything. “I love you.”

“We love you too,” Alec and Izzy reply, nearly in unison.

Jace thought he was ready to do this alone, but having them here just proves that he wasn’t. He needs them, now more than ever, and having them here means everything to him. It might be the first time all day that he’s truly believed he can do this instead of just pretending for the sake of appearances.

He can do this. With his family by his side, he can do anything.

When they pull away Jace glances down at where, hidden behind his shirt, Alec’s parabatai rune resides. Alec follows his gaze.

“Don’t worry about me,” Alec reassures him. “I’ll be okay.”

Jace knows that isn’t quite true. In fact, He’s sure Izzy’s here just as much for Alec’s sake as Jace’s.

At Jace’s continued silence Alec adds, “We both will.”

Jace hopes Alec is right.

They walk the rest of the way in silence, parting only when they get to the room set aside for the ceremony.

“You should wait outside, at least,” Jace tells them.

“Are you sure?” Alec asks. “They’ll let me in if I tell them to.”

Jace laughs a bit at that. Of course, Alec wouldn’t hesitate to pull rank just to be there for what Jace is sure will be one of the single worst experiences of his life. Honestly, he’s surprised that Alec is even giving him the option and not just waltzing right in with him.

“Please,” Jace insists. “It’ll be better this way.”

Selfishly, part of it is so he won’t see Alec when they get to their rune. He knows not seeing it happen won’t change anything, but he knows that if anything is going to break his resolve it’ll be looking Alec in the eye as that connection severs. He isn’t sure he could do it, and he needs to be able to see this all the way through.

“Alright,” Alec agrees without pushing the decision. “Then we’ll be right outside. If you change your mind just say the word and we’ll come in.”

Jace nods, not trusting his words or for his voice to hold even if he could think of the right thing to say. He gives himself a moment to collect himself, willing his usual bravado into place even though he knows his siblings will see right through it.

“Well, see you on the other side,” he says before going into the room alone.

Except he isn’t alone for long.

Brother Zachariah waits for him inside the room. He’s a silent brother, bound to the same rules and lifestyle as the others, but he’s always been different from the others. Ever since Jace found out he was a Herondale, Brother Zachariah has shown a new interest in Jace’s well-being, something about a long family history between the Herondales and the Carstairs. Jace wonders if he’s here to look after him in these final moments as a Shadowhunter, or just to stand witness to Jace letting down one last person with his decision.

“Here to try and talk me out of it at the last minute?” Jace asks

“No,” comes the voice inside his head. Brother Zachariah’s lips don’t move, but Jace swears he sees them curl up into a soft, sad smile. “A long time ago I made a promise, a vow to watch over the Herondale bloodline. I’m here for you, Jace.”

Jace nods. “Alright then. I’m ready.”

There’s a small raised platform in the middle that Jace stands on. It’s lined with a soft material, almost like a training mat, that doesn’t make sense until the first of his runes is removed and the pain catches him so off-guard that it drives him to his knees. He wonders if they do this for everyone, or if this is a small comfort afforded to him through Zachariah’s invested desire to watch over him, even now.

Even as Jace is betraying the very bloodline Brother Zachariah swore to protect.

Jace wishes he could say that the anticipation is worse than the de-runing itself, but he knows nothing but bone-deep, constant pain that shifts from barely tolerable to complete agony the moment it begins. It doesn’t get any easier with the second rune, or the third, or any that follow. In fact, each one somehow feels worse. It’s a level of pain so intense that there’s no ‘getting used to’ it. He fights the urge to ask them to stop, just for a break to catch his breath. There’s no stopping now.

It isn’t too late.

Jace knows that he can stop any point before his Angelic Power rune is removed and still be able to reverse the damage done. But for Jace, that rune isn’t the deciding moment. His parabatai rune is. Even though he’s expecting it, there’s still a moment of shock over how much worse the pain of his parabatai rune is.

Even in that moment of his own nearly unbearable pain, Jace’s first thought is that he prays Alec doesn’t feel it this strongly.

The moment the bond begins to sever with the removal of his parabatai rune, Jace lets out a scream so intense it feels primal, torn from the very soul of him. At the exact same moment, he hears a matching cry come from the hallway outside the room and knows that it’s Alec, even through the haze of his own pain and the dimmed sound of everything besides his own cries which echo through the room.

“Alec!” Jace cries out, and hears his own name called back in response. The flood of pain is suddenly twofold, the severing bond between them entirely open now. There’s nothing left to ground it enough to allow either of them the control to dampen what’s felt between them. Pain and love and pain and loss and pain and guilt and pain. So much pain that Jace has to wonder if there isn’t some kind of magic keeping him from losing consciousness at this point of the process, because it feels like the very core of him is on fire and burning away the last of what makes him.

Jace hates this the most. He hates himself for causing Alec this pain, for allowing the last thing they feel through their bond to be a moment of agony.

And then it’s gone.

For the briefest moment after the last tether of their connection snaps Jace feels nothing, the space where he once felt Alec now left with something broken and hollow in its place.

It’s worse than the pain.

“Alec!” Jace calls out again, the inability to feel Alec bringing out an instinctive reaction of panic and fear. Silence greets him, and he isn’t sure if it’s because Alec doesn’t hear him through the heavy doorway or simply doesn’t want to respond.

There’s a pause after that, and it takes all of his strength to look down at the blank space of skin on his hip where his parabatai rune was only moments before. Jace wants to cry.

What he does is throw up.

It’s all very undignified and embarrassing. The Silent Brothers pretend not to notice outside of getting a cloth for him to wipe his mouth with before continuing to remove the last of the runes.

When it’s over, the rest of the Silent Brothers leave, their job complete. Only Zachariah lingers to deal with Jace in the aftermath, a role Jace is certain he volunteered for.

“Take this,” Zachariah holds out a small vial filled with a liquid that’s an unfortunate shade of putrid green. “It’ll help with the pain.”

“Thanks,” Jace says, wasting no time in downing the entire potion. He trusts Brother Zachariah enough not to question it - it isn’t as if his pain could get any worse, after all.

It somehow tastes even worse than it looks, but almost immediately Jace feels a light tingle spread across his skin. He doesn’t ask how strong the potion is, or if he’s even supposed to have it. Jace has bent enough rules to know better than to ask questions he doesn’t need to know the answer to.

“Do you wish for your siblings to come in and retrieve you?” Brother Zachariah asks.

Jace manages the slightest shake of his head. “No. No one comes in yet. I’ll come out when I’m ready.”

Jace doesn’t bother to try and stand. He speaks the words from where he’s just barely managed to pull himself onto his knees, an act of being ‘okay’ that he drops the moment Zachariah leaves the room to speak with Alec and Isabelle, collapsing back onto the floor.

Jace isn’t sure how long he lays there, alone. All he knows is that the first time his siblings see him in the aftermath of everything, he wants to be standing on his own two feet.

It takes him the better part of an hour to collect himself enough to stagger weakly to the doorway on his own. He barely makes it two steps before faltering. The moment he opens it Alec and Izzy are by his side, arms reaching out to hold and steady him.

Neither of them says a word as Jace leans back against the wall and slides down it, slumping to the floor. Instead, they each sit beside him, holding onto his hands and just being there until he’s ready.

What can he say now? Nothing feels like it’s enough, like it’s worthy of this moment. This moment where not only is his own life going to be changed forever, but so will theirs, and their entire family’s. Is his own happiness worth that much?

Would they still be here beside him, supporting and comforting him, if they didn’t believe it was?

“It’s done,” Jace says finally, pulling his hands from his sibling’s to hold out his arms, observing the skin devoid of any markings. Alec shifts to get a better look and winces beside him. “Alec, I’m so sorry. When they… I…” Jace pulls his hand back to hold it over where his parabatai rune used to be.

“Do you regret it?” Alec asks. The question is entirely neutral, with no leading tone, no accusation behind the words.

“No,” Jace admits, not sure if it’s the answer Alec’s hoping to hear, but it’s the truth. The hard part is over, and it’s that much easier for Jace to see how satisfying the road ahead will be from here on out.

“Then don’t be sorry,” Alec insists. As if it were that simple.

Maybe it is. Jace is sorry for the ripple effect his decision will have on so many others, but he doesn’t regret making it. Through the haze and discomfort of the pain, he’s relieved that it’s over. He’s proud of himself for taking that leap. It looks like maybe Alec is, too. Still, there’s one thing Jace has to see before he can begin to even try and put this part of his life behind him.

“Can I see it?” Jace asks, eyes darting down to Alec’s side.

Alec hesitates, then lifts his shirt slowly to reveal a bloody scar where his rune used to be. “I didn’t want to leave to go clean it. It looks worse than it is.”

Jace knows Alec’s lying - that it hurt when it happened, and that he feels that same empty, longing feeling Jace does now - but he’s too exhausted to argue.

“I pulled a few strings,” Izzy adds, changing the subject. “You can stay in your room here until you’re done recovering. Just in case you need the infirmary for anything.”

Jace is tempted to decline but he can tell that Izzy wants - and maybe even needs - to have him around for this one last thing.

“That sounds great, Iz. Thank you.”

They fall back into a contemplative silence. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough that they’re all here, together.

Maybe they’ll be okay.

Maybe he’ll be okay after all.

[lovemalecforever]

Chapter 14

Parabatai : Wherever we are, we are as one.

After everyone congratulated Luke and Maryse for their engagement, they all seated themselves at the dining table, eating dinner and talking about their marriage when the old couple hushed everyone to not rush it and make it grand as they wanted it to be simple, with taking their time, much to everyone's disappointment, especially Izzy. But everyone understood their point and decided that whatever they wanted everyone was with them. The dinner went great and everyone settled back in with their own work.

_________________________

Alec was settled in his old room, the room in which he literally grew up, and Izzy had kept it the way he liked, which he was thankful for, as this room has its own set of memories, either good or bad, everything, every object had a memory of its own stuck in his mind, and he never wanted them gone.

Izzy was there in his room too, waiting for Jace and Clary to arrive, as he wanted their presence there when he talked to them because he knew that talking to them was not going to be easy, and he needed support.

"Calm down big brother, it's going to be fine." She said softly, concerned for her brother.

Alec sighed. "I don't know, Izzy."

Not long after, there was a knock on the door making him frown. 'Definitely Clary.' he thought And answered it by yelling out a loud 'Come in'.

"Hey Alec! You wanted to talk to us." Clary said while walking in, Jace tugging behind her, much to his dismay.

"Are you finally telling us what's going on?" Jace snapped, irritated.

Alec sighed and looked at both of them. "Yes, and don't ask questions or interrupt me in between, let me say what I have to say first, then only you both can say your part. Agreed?"

Jace and Clary looked at each other, then said 'okay' in unison.

Alec took a deep breath then told them everything, from being in his coma to Magnus' emotional health state, the ups and downs they faced in that one month, Magnus' breakdowns, his nightmares to their failed talks, then he himself finding of a rare immortality spell and his wish to become one, following the procedure of becoming immortal then what part they play in it. Everything. When he was done, he looked at them both having unreadable expressions on their faces.

The room was dead silent, no one was saying anything. It was getting really uncomfortable for everyone, until Clary walked towards Alec and bent down on her knees, looking directly into his eyes and only then did he notice tears in her eyes.

"I can't believe Alec, Magnus is so much in pain, and he's trying to hide it. It's really not fair on him. He's the best person I've ever known, I've ever come across. He doesn't deserve it. If that's the only option left, then I'm more than willing to help."

"A... Are, are you okay with it, Clary? Me becoming immortal?"

"Yes, Alec." She said softly.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Jace yelled on top of his lungs, giving a jump scare to others present in the room.

"That's what I was scared of!" Alec mumbled under his breath and rubbed his temples.

"Jace!?" Clary exclaimed.

"What the hell Jace!? Don't you get it?" Izzy said, clearly frustrated with his response.

"No, I don't! And I don't want to. Alec Lightwood, you are not becoming an immortal, if something's wrong with your husband, talk him out of it. I'm sure it'll work out, but you are not doing anything like that. End of conversation!" He shouted.

Izzy and Clary exchanged a look then looked at Alec, who was completely quiet.

"What is wrong with you, Jace? He just said that he tried, and it failed and there's no other option left." Clary yelled at her boyfriend, trying to put some sense into him.

"And that's his decision to make Jace, not yours. I was shocked at first too, but this is what he wants I'm there for him no matter what, you should be too." Izzy said, her tone flat and stern.

"Oh really, I'm sorry to burst both of your bubbles, but it is. I'm his Parabatai. He's not just deciding for himself. Alec, you put it in your thick brain, you are NOT doing this stupidity. At. All." He yelled.

"JACE!?" Clary snapped.

Izzy looked at him with anger and frustration. "Really Jace? Why are you being so difficult? Why can't you see that it'll make both of them happy?"

"I'm being difficult." He chuckled frustratingly. "You both don't get it, do you? Oh, let me guess because you aren't Parabatai, you can't understand it. Alexander Gideon Lightwood Bane, I have made myself clear to you, you're not doing this to us. End. Of. Conversation." With that he stormed out of the room, leaving both the girls fuming at him.

"What the hell!?" Izzy shouted.

"What is wrong with him?" Clary said in frustration.

"Enough!" Alec yelled, unable to bear the tension present in that room anymore. Both girls looked at him with sympathetic eyes knowing Jace reacting like that had definitely affected him.

"Alec, I... I'll try to talk to him," Clary said, but before she could leave, Alec stopped her.

"No, wait. I'm going to talk to him, alone. And I'm sorry, but he's right. It is about our Parabatai bond. It is about us." Alec sighed heavily.

Both girls looked at him with dumbfounded expressions then at each other and nodded, and he left to search for Jace.

After searching the whole institute he finally found him in the training room, striking the dummies furiously with his seraph dagger.

"Jace, can we talk?" He asked carefully.

"There's nothing to talk about, Alec. You're not doing that stupidity. End of conversation." He said furiously, then threw his dagger on the floor, and left the room completely ignoring him.

"Jace!?" Alec yelled but to no avail, then rubbed the bridge of his nose.

He then walked towards Jace's bedroom, knowing that he would have gone there, and he was right. He walked in, closed the door, and put a locking rune on it so that he can't leave again.

"What the hell, Alec?" He shouted.

"What's going on with you, Jace? I can feel a weird kind of turmoil happening inside you. Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about, alright. You're not becoming immortal. That's it. We're done talking."

Jace was about to walk past him when Alec stopped him by gripping his hand tightly and shoving him to his bed, resulting in a loud thud.

"Ow! Alec!" He yelled.

"Talk!" Alec said sternly.

Jace sat on the bed properly, rubbed his face, and sighed heavily. "What do want me to say, huh? Yes, I'm not fine with you becoming immortal, whatever be the reason."

"It's Magnus, Jace. And what do you think, I didn't try talking to him? I did and it didn't work. Do you think I would have ever agreed on doing this, if anything, anything had worked? He's getting worse day by day, Jace. He thinks I'm not able to see it, but I can, and it's killing me too. I'm not going to sit down and watch him get insane when I know this will solve it. That's the only option I'm left with." He said in one breath and almost a yell.

"What about us, Alec? Do you know how it will affect our Parabatai bond? Watching you live lively, young, feeling your lively emotions while I keep growing, aging. You're my brother, my Parabatai, we're supposed to die together, Alec." He said harshly, but a pool of tears was visible in his eyes.

"Then it should concern me and not you, Jace. I don't know how it'll affect our bond, but it's me who will have to watch you die, losing a part of me, you think it's easy. It's not, Jace. But it's Magnus, I love him, he's my world, I can't live without him. And it's killing me seeing him like that every passing second, his smile, it's gone. I can clearly see the pain behind his smile. I want him back, the Magnus I know, I want that Magnus back. And if it costs my mortality, then I'm ready to sacrifice it." He was out of breath when he was done, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

Jace was already crying silently. His emotions and the words Alec had spoken were creating a whirlwind of emotions inside him. He was happy for his brother, for Magnus who got lucky to have his brother in his life, but at the same time, he was feeling betrayed that his Parabatai had decided something this big, without even talking to him about it. And also envious of the love these two have for each other.

"Jace, I can feel it, you know that, right?"

Jace looked up at his Parabatai, his eyes were red from crying. "So what, Alec? You decided something this big on your own and didn't say a word to us. Have you ever thought about any of us?"

"That's because I wasn't sure of it myself, Jace!" He yelled, he hated fighting with his Parabatai, but sometimes he gets really difficult to handle. "I didn't want to stress you all when I wasn't sure that I'll do it, but now I am. That's why I'm here, to talk to you all about it. And yes, I thought about all of you, then Magnus. Magnus is my family now too, Jace. As much as it pains, I'm willing to do it, for him, for his happiness."

Jace shook his head at him. "My Parabatai is really stubborn for his own good." He tried to smile, but it failed to reach his red cried-out eyes.

Alec sighed nervously. "Jace, please understand. I know things will change between us, but just put yourself and Clary in our situation. What if it were you both instead of us, what would have you done, Jace? Please think and answer."

The room was filled with dead silence, Jace was still sitting on his bed, head in his palms, while Alec was scared, his heart beating faster than normal, hoping his Parabatai would understand his situation, Magnus' situation. After what felt like forever for Alec, Jace finally spoke.

"I would have done the same. I had lost Clary, not to death, but I did lose her many times, even once I thought that she was actually dead, but she wasn't. I get what he's going through. We all had almost lost you in that battle." he took a deep breath and continued. "I'm sorry for yelling and being a pain, I get it, Magnus needs it. He needs you, by his side, in his case, forever. I'm sorry, buddy. I couldn't understand before, but I do now. I don't know how it'll affect our Parabatai bond, but if this is what's needed to be done, then I'm with you, it's just that...-"

Alec sighed with relief, but he knew and could feel through their bond that Jace needs him right now. He walked towards him, put his hands on his shoulders, and squeezed them gently.

"Jace!" He said softly. Jace looked up at him then stood up and hugged his brother tightly. Both knew how much they meant to each other.

Alec broke their hug but held his right wrist with his right hand. Jace looked him in the eyes, tears forming in the back of his eyes once again, he did the same.

"Entreat me not to leave thee." Alec began knowing his decision to become immortal will definitely affect their bond.

"Or return from following after thee." Jace followed, choking on each word he spoke.

"For whither thou goest, I will go." He tried to hold back his tears.

"And where thou lodgest, I will lodge." They both chuckled at this.

"Thy people shall be my people, and thy god my god." One tear escaped from Alec's eyes and fell on his cheeks.

"Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried," Jace said, each word trembling on his lips, knowing that this part is already broken.

"The angel do so to me, and more also." Alec couldn't hold back his tears from falling anymore.

"If aught but death part thee and me." They completed the oath in unison, both of their eyes red from crying.

"Jace, no matter what happens, you're my Parabatai, my brother, and it will never change, immortal or not."

Jace nodded and hugged him once again.

"So, are we okay now? You're okay with it, right?"

This time, Jace chuckled a genuine happy chuckle. "Yes, buddy we are and I am. Don't worry. Now, let's go and find the girls shall we?"

Alec agreed and unlocked the door with an opening rune, and they left the room to find the new pair of soon-to-be Parabatai.

[shea-morgan]

Discord Thread

WHO: Jace & Shea ( @jace-matthews )​

WHEN: August 11th ish??

WHAT: Jace gets Shea a room to spend the night after bailing him out of jail

TRIGGER WARNINGS: mention of suicide/death & the knife incident

MENTIONS: @lorencourtier @warmvlbes @romanbeckett @aaronhart93 @beatrizgrey @alison-haynes @luca-regio @malakhai-ozera I think that’s everyone?

Shea. Being arrested was not even rock bottom. Being sentenced to a year in prison with bail posted at more money than he'd ever seen in his life was not rock bottom. It almost felt like it. But Shea honestly felt almost too relieved to be stuck here. It was a chance to just be disconnected from the world. Not have to go home to his mother. He honestly could have cried from relief if it weren't for the dream he had both nights spent in the cell. Waking him up in cold sweats and a loss for any humane hope for himself. Until anonymous payed his bail a few days later & he was released just like that. Of course with probation and some hefty papers about going to AA and looking to get therapy. And so the real rock bottom began.... After his shitty attempted at trying to catch a train out of here and running into Khai, he knew his own circumstances were so much worse. He refused to go home. It was now sundown and was still sitting on a park bench with his dead phone and envelope full of his belongings. There was a 5 dollar bill in his wallet, and even though his stomach was growling for food, he couldn't muster up the nerve to buy even a slice of pizza.

Jace Jace was waiting for a train himself and looked over when he noticed that Shea was out. He took a deep breath, realizing who it was and walked over, happy to see him but also, upset with everything that happened. He took a seat next to Shea, knowing they used to be best friends. His hands were in his pockets but eventually he mustered up the courage to actually reach out and touched his shoulder, looking over at him. "Hey."

Shea. He was really contemplating making this bench his bed for the night. He was starring at the opposite wall, his mind in the void at the moment before he felt someone sit down next to him. He still couldn’t tear his eyes away from starring at nothing now until he flinched when Jace touched his shoulder. He turned his head to look at him. “Hey,” he said quietly, looking him up and down like he couldn’t believe he was actually just sitting next to him like this.

Jace He could see the hurt in his eyes and it killed Jace. Maybe those feelings were not all gone like he thought. It was easy when they weren't talking but now, not so much. He swallowed hard as he looked at him, his eye bruised, and he just looked so down. Jace didn't know what else to do except to pull him in for a hug. "You're okay." He said to him lowly. "It's going to be okay."

Shea. Shea had never been vulnerable like this before. He really had absolutely nothing anymore. No job, no money, nothing. And then the second hug of the day came, and Shea tried so hard to hold himself together. What was it about these hugs? Maybe that’s why he never got close to people. And the optimism Jace seemed to have? Made it worse. Shea let him pull him in for a hug and he shook his head against Jace’s shoulder. He didn’t dare talk. Sobs were bursting at his seems any moment now. What made it worse? Shea knew he would reach this point in his life. It was either that, or he’d be dead. Honestly the later sounded like a better option. He chewed on his bottom lips and just pressed his closed lips to Jace’s shoulder and shut his eyes tightly.

Jace "Shhhh." Jace said as he held the boy to his shoulder. God...he knew the pain Shea was feeling. Embarrassment, disappointment, fear: he'd been there. What shea did was not okay but it was clear Shea knew that. Jace partially blamed himself because he knew this spiral started right after he started seeing Loren. To know how Shea felt now wasn't going to solve anything. But he damn sure could be there as his friend. So without another word, he held him super tight, running his hand over the back of his head.

Shea. Shea eyes watered a little, and he didn’t move from the comfort of Jace. Until finally he picked his chin up, just to keep saying, “I’m sorry, I really am sorry,” to Jace. His voice was just barely above a whisper before he pulled back and sat forward beside him. “I just really need somewhere to go for the night,” he muttered a little louder this time. God this really sucked. He hated to put Jace in that situation. If Shea had to guess how the majority felt about him in this moment... it wouldn’t be hard to know they hated him.

Jace "I would bring you back to my place but Loren and Emily are there and Emily isn't in the best shape." He responded and then stood up, offering Shea his hand. "I can get you a room. Do you want me to stay with you?" He asked him, truthfully. Because he would. Shea did some fucked up shit but Jace didn't want to leave him alone. Not like this. "Just say the word."

Shea. He sighed a little and leaned his head in his hand, pushing his hair back a little bit. He shook his head and sat back up, swallowing, "No... it's fine, no, don't pay for a room," He replied. "I'll figure it out." He turned to look around again, before looking back at Jace. "What's going on with Emily?"

Jace “No.” Jace said to him, turning around. “What were not going to do is this. You’re going to let me pay for a room. You’re going to let me do this shea. Stop telling me no.” He said sternly, still offering his hand to the boy. “Let me do this. Please.” He said. “I’m not taking no for an answer.” He sighed waiting for shea. “She...was attacked”

Shea. Looking up at Jace now standing in front of him, and pretty much throwing a fit about Shea’s rejection kind of had Shea stunned. He really didn’t expect it. Not after what he did. He starred at him for a moment or two and then at his hand. He didn’t say anything before he finally stood up. He started walking, expecting Jace to follow, glancing to his side. “What do you mean she was attacked? By who?” Of course he was concerned, but Shea still didn’t know if he was in the right mind for anything right now. And besides the fact that nobody probably wanted a visit from Shea at the moment anyway. He knew she worked for and was good friends with Roman. Just like before ... you could never escape Roman.

Jace “as in a guy literally jumped her in a park. She has a cracked rib, lacerated kidney and a busted head.” He laughed out of nerves. “Sounds way more awful than it actually was but shes doing better.” He shrugged, walking along side shea. “How many nights?” He said to him. “Because you’re not just gonna be homeless. I refuse it.”

Shea. Shea didn’t laugh, or really have much of a reaction. It was awful, it didn’t matter what Jace said. He felt terrible, but what do you say to that? Shea was never a man of words when it came to trauma and emotional things to begin with. He just simply nodded after Jace assured him she was doing better. He really missed a lot between getting loaded everyday and then losing his shit and nursing a 3 day hang over in a jail cell. “I’m not homeless... at least not yet anyway,” he told him. “One night is fine.”

Jace He laughed, shaking his head. “I’m not just doing this for one night Shea. While others may not be your biggest fan right now, you can’t just up and become homeless. Tell me you’ve got a place to go after check out and I’ll consider 1 night. But if not, we’re going for a week.”

Shea. Shea was reluctant to talk. But after another deep breath he said, “I still have my apartment,” he admitted. “I can go there.” At least he assumed it was true. His bandmate was still there ... even though his mom had kind of invited herself in on the couch.

Jace "Okay but if I fing out you're homeless on the side of the road somewhere, I won't be happy." He said sharply, walking him into the hilton he was very familiar with and starting to book a walk-in. After being handed the keys, he turned to shea and handed them over as he helped to walk him up to the room. "Is there anything I can get for you? Clothes? Food?"

Shea. Shea pressed his lips together, just nodding. Although Shea has survived on the streets before. He followed Jace into the Hilton, watched him book a room and feeling his stomach turn inside out. He hated this feeling of helplessness. He walked next to Jace up to the room, shaking his head. “No.... you’ve done enough,” he said.

Jace "Alright." Jace said taking a deep breath as he knocked back on his heels and smiled at shea, as he leaned against the door frame. "Well, if that's all, I guess uh...I can get going." He mused, pressing his lip in a hard line.

Shea. Shea chewed on his bottom lip, leaning on the opposite side of the door frame to face him. He was quiet, expecting Jace to just turn and leave. He wanted to ask him to stay so bad, he just didn’t know how. He had never done that before.

Jace He sighed, seeing as though Shea wasn't saying much more, he bit his lip. "Um....you sure there's nothing else you need? I'm scared to leave."

Shea. Shea was still quiet, chewing the inside of his cheek now. Then he shook his head, “me too,” he muttered quietly and then pushed his fingers through his hair. “I mean ... I don’t want you to leave,” he said even quieter.

Jace "So you do want me to stay..." He smiled at him half-heartedly and nodded, taking off his coat and sitting down at the foot of Shea's bed.

Shea. Shea watched Jace help himself into the room so easily after Shea told him to stay. He pressed his lips together to hide a tiny smile. Shea shut the door and turned to go and lay down on the bed. “Are you going to spend the night?” He asked, looking down at him sitting at the foot of the bed.

Jace Was it really a good idea for Jace to do that? Probably not but at the end of the day, this was his friend. It'd be hard to try and explain to loren that he was staying at someone else's spot though. Especially Shea's. "Um..." He said for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip. "I can probably stay as long as you need me to but I am not sure that spending the night would be the best idea." He sighed. "I just...don't want to get myself in trouble."

Shea. It was true, Shea hoped he would. He really didn’t want to be alone, he was so tired of it. But his response was expected, as much as it was disappointing. He sat up in the bed and leaned against the headboard, raking his teeth over his bottom lip. “Yeah... I get it,” he told him. Shea knew he didn’t have anyone to lean on. And he already asked enough of Jace. He couldn’t expect him to do that for him. “Um, .. it’s okay, you can go,” he said and sighed, rolling over and hugging a pillow.

Jace “I-“ Jace frowned looking at Shea. “Shea no. I’m not leaving just yet.” He frowned. “I told you I can’t stay maybe over night but that’s not to say that I don’t want to be here.” He assured him. “Please don’t shut me out...that hurt when you did it the first time.” he admitted softly.

Shea. Shea looked at him over the pillow. “I’m not trying to shut you out,” he said. “I’m the enemy now, and I don’t want you to get involved more than you already are... buying me a room and all. No one would be happy about that. They all want me in jail, including my own self but here I am..”

Jace “me nor Khai think you belong in prison. But yeah did you lose your mind? Probably so.” he shrugged. Sighing to himself and then looking over at Shea. “I’m not the type to hold grudges. What you did was really fucked up but I can’t just leave you and I’m not here to judge you”

Shea. Shea sat up again, leaning on his elbow to really look at Jace. “Oh my god... you paid my bail,” he said, mostly just now realizing it himself. He swallowed and starred at him for a good few moments. “Why did you do that?” This was probably a stupid question. And it really didn’t need to be answered, Shea was just in awe. But also .... unfortunately not happy with it. It would have been easier on everyone if he just stayed in jail.

Jace “wasn’t just me.” He said looking over at him. “And this isn’t for you to run and tell everyone either. I’m not trying to be the most hated individual in kingsboro for trying to have a heart for you.” He sighed shrugging. “Maybe because I care” he said to him looking over to him. “Because you’re someone I actually had feelings for.” He shook his head.

Shea. Shea’s eyes felt heavy. Not in a tired way. Probably because he could have cried hearing that. That someone actually cared and wanted to give him a chance after what he did. He blinked a few times, but it still didn’t get rid of that feeling. “I’m sorry...” he found himself saying it again. He said it to Khai too. He really was sorry for creating this mess. “You know I ... I really didn’t mean anything I said to Roman and ... I was out of control with the knife and everything ... and I’m sorry for what happened in the stairwell. I Lost it after that. I lost control. It’s not an excuse, and the drinking isn’t an excuse and Khai thinks I need to get help and I know he’s right I just can’t. I don’t know what to do..” he was rambling by the end until he finally shut up after choking up a little. He swallowed it back again and shook it head, closing his eyes with a quick sigh.

Jace “you know I appreciate you apologizing but you know who would appreciate it more? Roman, Aaron, Bea?” He asked, cutting his eyes to him. “I’m willing to forgive you but it’s them that really deserves the apology.” He took a deep breath listening to the advice Khai gave him. “And yeah help...that sounds about right.”

Shea. “yeah I’m aware. But I think they’d appreciate the space at the moment,” he said. He laid down again. “Why am I apologizing to Bea?”

Jace "I don't know. I spoke to her and she said she felt used." He shrugged. "I don't know your history with her much at all but that's just how she feels."

Shea. Shea chewed on the inside of his cheek again when Jace told him that. God he felt like such a mess. He sighed to himself again, moving his head to put his hand in his hair and then burring his face in his arm and the pillow. “I’m shit,” he said, his voice muffled by the pillow. “My life here is over, I need to move again.”

Jace "Shea, I've really had enough of the negative talk." He sighed. "I'm not going to sit here and play your sad fiddle. I get you fucked up but you can bounce back. You need to just apologize and let that be the end of it. Get yourself some help but running away from your problems will solve nothing. So shut up with the bullshit, or I'm gonna go. Because I'm really sick of people coming in to my life just to walk out on it."

Shea. Slowly, Shea sat up again. But this time he leaned forward and pulled his knees up. “How do you expect me to get help when I have no job and no money? Probably no one will hire me now. Especially when Aaron whispers in everyone’s ears. Besides that ... literally everyone here will drop to their knees and suck Roman’s dick. You think they wanna see my face in public? And you won’t ever understand ... this was what my life was bound to come too. Everyone knew I would end up a psycho in jail...”

Jace "I'm not someone who wants to suck Roman off so let's not say everyone and I'd be happy to help you get help. You just need to ask." He said to him truthfully. "You need to focus on the now though. I'll help when I can."

Shea. “it’s a .. figure of speech... sorry it’s so vulgar.” Shea sighed a little bit. “I’m not good at asking for help, and I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to owe anyone anything. Medical help is a lot of money. Not to mention the money you spent just bailing me out.”

Jace "Yeah well that last bit stays here and I already told you it wasn't just me who bailed you out." He sighed. "I'm offering to help you shea. Take it or leave it."

Shea. Shea pressed his lips together and hugged his knees a little tighter. “I just ... need a friend,” he admitted quietly looking down at the bed spread. “But I know it’s my fault I keep everyone at arms length.” He admitted. No one ever knew him like his ex did, he not only was in love with her but she was the closest he’d ever gotten to someone. Probably why he was so reluctant to let her go and easily let her string him along every time she came back. She definitely would not have put up with this though and he knew it. But for some reason that was comforting. It was just strange to hear the same kind of harsh love from Jace.

Jace "I'm here to be your friend." He said sighing. "I may not need to be here, nor should I be but i'm trying to be your friend." He looked around, then back at Shea. "Just let me."

Shea. Shea traced the lines in the comforter with his fingers for a moment. Until finally he leaned forward and crawled across the bed and laid his head in Jace’s lap. “Can we talk about you now?”

Jace "Me?" HE asked, watching as the boy crawled across the way and landed his head into Jace's lap. Oh god....this wasn't what he expected. He was even hesitant what to do with his hands so he just leaned back, using them to balance him out. "um...what do you want to know?"

Shea. “well.. if we’re going to be friends... I don’t know your middle name. I don’t exactly know what you even do, have you lived here forever? I don’t know. All I know is you work for Roman and you sing and you know how to fake a nut.” Shea turned his head to look up at him.

Jace Oh. This is was getting to know him. Well, yeah there wasn't any harm in that which made Jace chuckle. "Ive been here for about 3 years." He smiled. "And My middle name is Dante. I'm just an actor and singer. Not really anything special about me other than I'm adopted, which you already knew."

Shea. “Okay, what else do friends know about each other?” He asked. “I don’t have a middle name.... so my high school band mates used to call me Shea Fucking Morgan,” he admitted and then after a moment let out a soft laugh. “And you already know I’m a fucking psycho who knows how to ruin his life like it’s his job.”

Jace He chuckled. "You want to just hit me with 20 questions?" He smirked, looking down at him. "I can do that."

Shea. “I don’t even know what to ask..” he shrugged a little. “Actually ... what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”

Jace "Bailing you out." He teased, playfully pushing Shea's head before placing his hand back. "How about....did you know i'm from Hawaii?"

Shea. Shea rolled his eyes. “Besides that. ... and Hawaii.. that’s at least a little bit unexpected.”

Jace Jace had to really think about this. He didn't have a clue what to say. " i really don't even know. Maybe i haven't done it yet?" He shrugged. "I pantsed a teacher once."

Shea. Shea rolled his head over and chuckled a little bit before he sat up. “A goodie goodie,” he muttered. “Did you get detention?”

Jace “Even worse...I Got ISS." He laughed. "I remember telling my parents, worried it wouldn't get me into an Ivy League school only to not even choose to go to school."

Shea. Shea chuckled again, his eyes closing for a brief moment before a small head shake and licking his lips. “Okay, finally... something we have in common. School was never in my cards, just shocked enough I graduated high school.”

Jace "But hey you did it!" He laughed, looking down at Shea. "And you may not doing the ideal things you hoped but everyone has a chance to turn around. Look at Luca." He smiled.

Shea. He raised an eyebrow at him, “um ... who’s Luca?”

Jace He laughed. He didn't expect Shea to know him but that's okay. "He's Alison's boyfriend." He smiled, clearing his throat. "Ex-convict."

Shea. “I ... am not even sure I know who Alison is.. but okay,” he said. “Ex-convict ... I’m listening.”

Jace "She's literally one of the most famous people in kingsboro, Shea. Aaron's baby mama and best friend." He explained and then cleared his throat. "He was in for drugs."

Shea. Shea sighed a little. He was never the person to care to pay attention that stuff. “Oh... thanks for filling me in,” he said. “Was he selling them?”

Jace "As far as I know, yeah. One of the biggest dealers in the bronx." He raised a brow. "Aaron can't stand him."

Shea. Shea nodded and pressed his lips together. “And so ... you’re telling me I need to date a pop star?”

Jace "I'm telling you that he got a second chance. Please pay attention." He scoffed, shaking his head as he fell back on the bed. "You'll get yours."

Shea. Shea kind of laughed a little, before picking his head up and then leaning on his own arms again. “I’ve already had ... second, third ... hell fourth chances already,” he admitted.

Jace "Im going to leave if you don't shut up and listen."

Shea. “I am listening! Do I not have a right to be honest with you? Isn’t that what you want?”

Jace "I'm over the negative nacy bullshit" he told him sternly. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to you degrade yourself."

Shea. “Jace, I’m just telling you how it is,” he laughed a little. “But I’m sorry I guess ... and I really do want to turn my life around. It’s just not that easy...”

Jace "It's not going to be." He told him honestly. "But i'm willing to help lead you there."

Shea. “it’s hard for me... to just accept help,” Shea sighed a little bit, plopping back down. His head falling back on Jace’s lap and looking at the ceiling.

Jace And again, there he was in his lap. He sighed, still wanting to figure out what to do with his hands. Finally biting the bullet, he ran his hands over his hair, smoothing it back a bit. "Well accept at least mine."

Shea. Shea blinked, looking up at Jace as he ran his fingers through his hair. It was soothing, but it made his stomach turn. His brain was telling him to sit back up. But Shea really needed to try hard at letting people in and letting people get close to him, so he stayed put and just focused on the ceiling again. “I mean... I’m in this hotel room and not in a jail cell right?”

Jace He kept stroking his hair and then eventually stopped to balance himself on his hands again. He took a deep breath nodding as he looked down to shea. "You are and that's where I like you. What you did was fucked up but that doesn't mean you just belong there." He told him and then smiled down at him.

Shea. Shea shifted his gaze to look at Jace hearing those words. “Some people think so,” he mentioned, before he blinked and looked down at the bed and the surroundings of the room. It was a nice hotel room, and Shea could honestly say he had never actually spent the night in one before. “Are you sure you can’t ... I don’t know.. get another room at least? Next to mine.”

Jace "I could definitely look into doing that." He smiled, looking down at the boy. "Do you like it or should I consider booking you elsewhere the next time something like this happens?" He asked him, raising a brow. "Which, that was a joke because this better not happen again." He laughed.

Shea. Shea looked up at him. “Yeah.. it won’t happen again, mom.” He mocked back. Then he half laughed a little because of the irony of that joke. He rolled over off of Jace now, sat up and pushed his hair back. “I’m starving,” he said. “Think there’s anything to eat close by?”

Jace he rolled his eyes, laughing as he heard shea and then took a deep breath. “Depends what you’re in the mood for babe. You want pizza? Asian? American?”

Shea. “I ... don’t know,” he started, then shrugged. “I guess pizza will be good.”

Jace “alright.” He picks up the phone, ordering some delivery before looking back at Shea, smiling and then thanking the person over the phone. “45 minutes.”

Shea. He blinked when Jace immediately picked up his phone to order the pizza. “I .. would have gone to get it,” he said to Jace. “But, thank you..”

Jace “you’re not leaving my sight.” Jace said, patting his lap again. “We’re you not comfy or what?”

Shea. “Well I have to leave your site when you leave me in the room alone to sleep,” he pointed out. Then he glanced to Jace’s lap and then met his gaze. “I mean... yeah it was comfy... but are you?”

Jace “I...didn’t think about that.” He snickered taking a deep breath. “Well right now, I want you to stay within my sight.” And then he looked down at his lap. “It was comfortable for me. I didn’t mind it at all.”

Shea. “So I’m being baby sat,” he pointed out, but he laughed a little. Then he turned on his back and laid his head back down in Jace’s lap.

Jace “I’m just trying to be a protective friend.” He smiled, laughing with shea as he stroked his hair again and looked down at him. “You seem like you could cuddle if you don’t think about it.”

Shea. Shea blinked up at Jace, eyebrows raising together. “If I don’t think about it?” He was a little confused what he meant.

Jace “yeah remember you’re not gay so you probably think about your actions before actually going through with them. When we cuddled the first time, you denied it. Now I’m telling you if I cuddle you, I hope you don’t deny it the way you did the first time. Even as your friend.”

Shea. Shea just starred at him through his eyelashes. A million excuses were racing through his head, until he remembered that he knew he had to change and not but such an asshole. “It’s just that it’s ... kind of like subconsciously being vulnerable with someone, and I’m not good at that.”

Jace “I think that’s understandable.” He said to him. “I know how hard it is to let someone in like that. It’s a part of you that you don’t want to share if you’ve been hurt over and over”

Shea. Shea was silent again. He licked his lips and pressed them together, shifting his to look at the ceiling again. “Have you been hurt over and over?”

Jace “of course I have.” Jace told him truthfully. “Not just by lovers but by family too.” He said to shea looking down, his hand still stroking his hair. “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”

Shea. “I’ve only had one girlfriend in my life,” he admitted. And he really thought he would always end up with her until just recently. It was probably stupid thinking, but to him it wasn’t crazy.

Jace “I’ve had both.” He said to him, raising a brow. “I like both genders and I’m okay with it. But neither one is the better one. We all fucking suck.” He laughed. “And I mean really suck.”

Shea. “no one sucks as much as me,” he said with a small laugh. “ and ... your sister. We could have been something, but I fucked that all up.” Was this venting? He wasn’t sure. But he never talked about it before.

Jace “yeah I don’t even like to think about that Shea.” He said to him honestly. “It hurts to think it was me or her.” He shrugged. “And...expected to just know how you felt.”

Shea. He picked his head up a little to look at Jace. “What do you mean you or her?” He was confused now. “Me and her ... happened before I met you. I mean.. we were seeing each other and she wanted to be my girlfriend but I told her we weren’t. I was an ass. It was dumb. I was afraid of the commitment.”

Jace “and then you admitted to having feelings for me.” He said looking down at him. “And you’d be a fool to think that I didn’t have feelings for you.”

Shea. “and her and I were over by then, we just recently started talking again, as friends.” He explained. “It’s not like I planned for that. Besides the fact that whatever I was feeling for you was scary for me.”

Jace “why though? Was I that dangerous to you?”

Shea. He snorted and dropped his head back down. “I don’t know... are you?”

Jace “I mean I don’t know. Are you scared of me now?” He laughed. “I would have never hurt you shea.”

Shea. “No, I’m not scared of you.” He told him. “It’s not about that anyway, I can handle being hurt .... well... disregarding the current situation.”

Jace "I-" He sighed, hanging his head, pinching the bridge in between his eyebrows. "Nothing. Look, i'm sorry."

Shea. “Sorry about what?” He asked.

Jace “I'm sorry I just....didn't wait for you." He shrugged. "Loren is just...he's amazing. I didn't expect to love him the way that I do but I do and i can't change that."

Shea. Shea shook his head. “Jace, it’s fine. I didn’t ... I’m not asking you to wait for me. He’s obviously better for you anyway. It was just a stupid crush, I’m fine. I wouldn’t have done anything about it anyway. So I’m fine.”

Jace Wow. That stung like a bitch. Jace shook his head... even though he wasn't interested in starting anything with shea anymore- reallly? Not done anything about it? He sighed, getting up. "Yeah. I'm gonna go see if I can't get another room. I'll see you later."

Shea. He rolled off of Jace when he moved to get up, and then sat up to face him, while he made an excuse to leave. Shea sighed heavily, closing his eyes and leaning his head in his hand for a moment. Then he looked back up at him, “Jace, come on. You literally just told me you’re in love with Loren. What did you want me to say or do?”

Jace “Maybe kept that information to yourself then." He scoffed, picking up his coat and walking out of the hotel room.

Shea. Shea flopped back on the bed and sighed to himself. Once again Shea’s brutal honesty was getting him into trouble. His brain was telling him to leave as well. Abandon the room and go home. But his gut was telling him it wasn’t right. He needed to start now and keep it up if he really wanted to change. He pushed himself off the bed and followed Jace out into the hall way. “Jace...” he trailed off.

Jace He was halfway down the hall when he heard shea's voice and turned around. "Yes?"

Shea. He stared down the hall at Jace, not even sure what he planned to say. It took him a long few moments. Then he started to approach him again, "I ... didn't say that to make you hurt or anything. I just wanted to be honest with you.. that if you waited for me.. it would have been useless. and again - please don't take that the wrong way either. I'm just saying... you made a better choice with Loren. Because I'm just..... this.." he ended and gestured around himself - meaning the whole ending up in jail situation with no where to go.

Jace "You would've been something to me and you are something to me. It's not my fault you don't have faith in me or what could have been." He shook his head and walked on to the desk.

Shea. Shea tilted his head and watched him. His lips parted like he could have kept arguing. But his brain was malfunctioning on weather to keep arguing or if it was even worth it when he knew Jace was with Loren regardless. So he just blinked and shook his head watching Jace walk to the desk. He turned around to go back into the room, but when he got to the door and pushed the handle, it was locked. .... the key inside. So he turned around and let his head fall back against the door.

Jace On his way back, he ended up getting the other room that was just across the hall, turning back to look at Shea. "You can just request a new one at the front desk." He said before handing him the one he stuffed in his pocket. "But here."

Shea. Shea bit down on his bottom lip. "Thanks," He said, taking the key from him. He turned to  unlock the door but before he walked in he paused and said. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

Jace “Of course you are." He said sighing. "but what's new? I'm used to people hurting me time and time again." He shrugged, letting himself into his room and shutting the door.

Shea. Shea turned and watched him just shut his door in Shea's face. "and ... I'm used to hurting people..." he muttered quietly to himself and then turned back into his own room.

Jace Upon entering his room, he peeled his shirt off and headed right into bed where he turned on cold case.

Shea. Soon after there was a knock on his door and Shea jumped before he pulled it opened. It was the pizza delivery. Shea scrambled to find some extra cash in his wallet for a tip and then sent him on his way. He placed it on the table in the room before he turned back, finding a way to prop his door open, cross the hall and knock on Jace's door.

Jace He heard the knock, frowning when he got up and went to answer, seeing Shea standing there. "Forget something?"

Shea. "Um.. do you want some pizza?" He asked. "You did order it after all..."

Jace Oh shit! The pizza. He completely forgot that he had ordered them some after all. The mention made his stomach growl and he cleared his throat. "um..yeah actually."

Shea. Shea nodded and turned to go back into his room. "You have to come and get it though." He called back to him.

Jace “of course.” He mumbled to himself, getting up and walking out towards Shea’s room again and knocking on the door. “2 slices and I’m out.”

Shea. Shea shut the door behind Jace, and casually stood in front of it while Jace went to get his pizza. “Please stay and ... let me explain,” he said.

Jace He was literally on the brink of leaving when he noticed that Shea was standing right in front of the door, blocking any way for Jace to push through. He sighed. Was he really in the mood to hear the excuses? "Shea, i think you said enough but if you insist...."

Shea. “Jace...,” he started. “I told you I’m afraid. And it’s not of you. That’s what I meant when I said I wouldn’t have done anything about my feelings.” He said. “I promise I didn’t say that to you to make you upset. I just wanted to tell you the truth. And the truth is.... I ... never had feelings for a guy before and that’s what I’m afraid of.” He pressed his lips together, looking away a moment. “And it was hard enough for me to just admit that.” He but his lip and then started again. “And I’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear either. And also the second truth is that you’re happily with Loren, and I won’t stand in the way of that either. I’m lucky enough to have you as a friend. One willing to literally bail me out of jail.”

Jace Oh this was more like it. Jace knew it couldn't have been just him in general. But this made more sense. He was once there too. Very scared to even attempt being wiht a boy. Spending his whole life, he was told this and that was wrong and it shouldn't happen. But this was a part of who he was. "What I didn't want to hear is you not wanting to do something about liking me. Liking me shouldn't be this crime." He shrugged. "But i appreciate you telling me the full truth."

Shea. “sometimes I say things and I guess I just expect people to understand,” he shrugged a little. “I am bad with words. It’s why I’m not good with communication. I also didn’t mean liking you was some chrime. Besides that, I’m flaky about my feelings regardless. It doesn’t matter who it is ... I mean, I am the reason Bea and I never were anything serious. I’m afraid of commitment.”

Jace “you-“ Jace shook his head. “You didn’t really have to be in a relationship with me though. Not if you didn’t want to. We could have just had a little fun. Look this is all new to you. I would have never just thrown you into anything without your consent first.” He sighed. “I just wish you would have told me sooner”

Shea. “I ... never thought you would... that’s not what this is about,” Shea tried to explain, because it was like Jace didn’t understand. “My feelings are what made me scared. I don’t talk about my feelings regardless... let alone feelings for a guy,” he tried to explain to him. “Please tell me you get what I’m saying..” Shea didn’t want to say those dumb words about ‘its not you, it’s me.’ The sad fact of it was, it was true.

Jace Jace raised a brow. He got what he was saying loud and clear. But it still didn't invalidate what he was saying either. "Yeah, that you struggle with feelings. I get that completely." He shrugged. "Just wish you would've said that versus hiding the fact...or better yet, having to be drunk so that I could know how you felt. But i mean it makes sense, i don't know. Just bothers me."

Shea. Shea sighed lightly, looking down at his feet for a moment. Then raised his head again, pushing the hair from his face. “Yeah... I didn’t mean for it to come out like that,” he said. “I’m going to work I’m getting sober again, I promise.”

Jace “that’s what I like to hear” he smiled, taking a bite. “I am rooting for you shea.”

Shea. He flashed a very small half smile before he moved from the door, getting himself a piece of pizza.

Jace “oh now you move!” He laughed, taking a seat and trying to enjoy his pizza. “But after this i really gotta get back to my room.”

Shea. He took a bite and sat in one of the chairs next to the table. “Yeah, I know,” he said. “As long as you don’t go back mad at me again.”

Jace “I won’t.” He smiled, enjoying his pizza.

[thelightofthebane]

Every night I dream you're still here

Summary: Even though that comforting magic isn’t flourishing there anymore, he can still feel Magnus everywhere. He is everywhere. It is a sweet torture, one he isn’t willing to let go. .

Pairing: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood

Tags: Major Character Death, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Heavy Angst

The lyrics in italic and bold along with the story are from the song Still Here by Digital Daggers. Like my previous stories, this one also isn't beta-ed, so pardon me for any mistakes. I hope you like it and... sorry?

You can also read here: ao3

__________________________________________

“MAGNUS!”

Musing through memories Losing my grip in the grey

That wasn’t supposed to happen. It was Alec who was going to see the end of his days. Magnus would outlive him. Magnus was immortal. Magnus was…

…was not invincible.

Alec didn’t want his husband in that fucking mission, but another demonic rift was opened, and only a powerful Warlock could close it.

When the rain had started to pour heavily, things seemed better. They just needed to wrap everything up and then go home. Alec turned around for a second to answer one of his subordinates’ calls when it happened.

The Warlock responsible for that nightmare appeared from some shadow and blasted all the reminiscent of dark magic he still had. It was supposed to be Alec.

Always was.

But Magnus, already depleted of magic to the bones, pushed his husband out of the way and took all the destructive power.

It took only one heartbeat. First, Alec lifted his bow with an arrow already nocked and shot, piercing the enemy’s heart. Then, he was already at Magnus’ side, gripping him for dear life.

Numbing the senses I feel you slipping away

“No, no, no, no. Please, no.” Alec held Magnus, fear consuming his soul. His husband was so pale, it was like seeing the sun through a thick layer of fog. There was an ugly and dark red gush of blood coming from Magnus’ chest. Skin and muscle were ripped apart, and the heart…

Alec swore to protect Magnus’ heart, so why he didn’t do that?

“You can’t go. Do you hear me, Magnus? You can’t go. Please… Stay with me.”

Desperately, he tried to call Catarina.

Please, pick up. Please, please.

Magnus’ breath was shallow.

“Help will arrive anytime, I promise. Just hang in there. Stay with me, Magnus.”

With grandiose effort, the Warlock forced himself to open his eyes, and with a shaking hand, he touched Alec’s chest, above the Shadowhunter’s heart.

“…’ere. I… al…ways… ‘ere...” Magnus blinked slowly three times, pouring all his love from the golden cat-eyes. Then, his eyes closed. His hand fell.

Fell alongside Alec’s world, irreparably breaking something.

Alec screamed in pain.

Fighting to hold on Clinging to just one more day

Still screaming, Alexander wakes up. Another nightmare. The same one since…

It has been two years, and yet… That night is still fresh in his mind. Too vivid, too real. However, it doesn’t matter how many times he wakes up screaming, crying, begging. There is no one beside him. That side of bed perpetually colder, empty. The sandalwood scent vanished a long time ago, and it doesn’t matter how many times Alec sprays the bedsheets with it. It isn’t the same.

It will never be the same.

Trembling and sweating, he makes his way to the kitchen. It is haunting. He still lives at the loft, too big for him alone. Even though that comforting magic isn’t flourishing there anymore, he can still feel Magnus everywhere. He is everywhere. It is a sweet torture, one he isn’t willing to let go. His siblings insist for him to go back to the Institute, but he strongly refuses. Because if he goes… then he will lose Magnus for good.

Love turns to ashes With all that I wish I could say

After drinking a glass of water to calm his nerves, he walks to the balcony. It is already dawn, the chilling breeze of an early Autumn welcoming him and caressing his hair, exactly like his husband used to do.

Closing his eyes and breathing deeply, he reaches to his necklace. It carries two things: Magnus’ wedding ring and a silver pendant. The pendant is made of two of Magnus’ rings – the ones with his initials – that were melted, and inside there is a few his ashes. After the funeral, they cremated his body. At the same night, Alec requested a portal to Indonesia and let his husband’s ashes there, in a beautiful and peaceful place Magnus took him once. But he saved a small portion for himself. This way, he can carry Magnus with him all the time, near his heart.

Always here. It was Magnus’ promise.

Alec believes him.

~*~

I'd die to be where you are I tried to be where you are

Alec is burning. For the third time in two weeks, he was bitten by a venomous Demon while on an uncalled and solitary patrol, having not notified anyone nor called the companionship of his parabatai. He has a high fever, strong enough to make him delirious for two days straight, sweating and aching, trashing the sheets. It is the combination of Catarina’s healing power and strong Mundane medicine that keeps him alive. Izzy, Jace, and Maryse take turns to take care of him, making sure he is hydrated enough and resting.

Most times, he calls Magnus’ name. He tries and makes an effort to reach something in the air, a deformed outline only him can see, two golden globes lingering and blinking out of existence.

Alec whimpers and cries, not knowing how much heartbreak he can endure before destroying his own soul.

He wants to give up so badly, and when he accidentally voices his wish out loud, Jace finally snaps.

“Stop! Just stop, Alec. The way you’re acting is a disgrace to his memory.”

Alec winces. Those are the same words he told Jace when everyone thought Clary was dead and his parabatai kept throwing himself at suicide missions as nothing else in the world mattered.

He knows Jace is right.

But…

Every night I dream you're still here The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear When I awake, you'll disappear Back to the shadows

Sometimes he can feel a touch, hear a whisper, see a blue wisp in the air for a brief second. Perhaps he is going crazy, but this kind of strange comfort numbs the dark thoughts for a little bit. He doesn’t spend his days moping on a bed or punching a bag until his knuckles’ skin breaks. He doesn’t shoot arrows at the endless dark sky until he can’t feel his arms and the bow becomes another weight for his shoulders to carry. He doesn’t think about bridges or balconies.

No, he tries to be useful.

He works. Only works. He helps establish new rules to protect the Downworlders. He trains new recruits. He goes to more patrols than any Shadowhunter from his Institute. He consciously searches for more demons to kill. He helps Catarina to build a shelter for Warlock children who are abandoned by their parents after presenting their Warlock marks. He fiercely protects those kids so they won’t suffer the same fate his beloved husband once had to endure.

He kills and protects. Kills and protects. Just like Magnus would do if he was still… Still…

After killing the last Ravener demon in a dark alley, he feels again that strange tingle in his body as if someone is watching him. For a moment, Alec sees a shadow moving at his peripheral vision and hears something similar to a ruffle of feathers. He nocks a new arrow, ready to hit whatever it is there.

Except, nothing is there.

Just quiet shadows.

~*~

Phantom be still in my heart Make me a promise that Time won't erase us That we were not lost from the start

He opens Magnus’ box.

The contents are displayed the same way as the first time Alec has opened it without consent. Nothing changed. For a long time, Alec has thought about what Magnus would put there as a reminder of their time together. An arrowhead? Their wedding bands? His stele? They never had a chance to end for good the painful discussion of mortality versus immortality, and the fear of becoming just another one in Magnus’ long life always ate Alec’s insides.

Now, looking at that box, Alec finally understands what Magnus meant that day. Maybe it’s pretentious from his part, but he feels nothing of his would fit in there. Their love was – is – too big for just a box. Alec wouldn’t be able to put anything of Magnus in any container.

How bittersweet is to know Magnus will never have a chance to do the same.

~*~

But it breaks so easily I try to protect you

Miscalculations don’t happen often, but when they do, the consequences are usually bad. Very, very bad. Alec is surrounded by a big horde of Shax demons, their nest overflowing. At least, he was able to save the two Warlock children trapped in that basement with them while playing hide-and-seek. Now, he is alone to deal with that ordeal.

He sees that strange shadow again, but thinks nothing of that. He just activates some more runes, even though he has already used the Stamina one twice. And even with new stamina running in his veins, he feels so tired. But he fights. He fights until his last drop of strength.

Then, the first cut comes. A big one, from one shoulder blade to the other.

Another, on the left side of his waist.

One more. More. More.

And he still fights, taking down as many as he can. There is too much venom inside him now, he knows he won’t make it. His only regret is letting his siblings down… again. He failed them.

He failed everyone.

I can't let you fade I feel you slipping

Everything is silent. He is lying on the floor, covered by blood, sweat and ichor. A true fallen warrior. His body aches so much, it’s difficult to breathe. With a last attempt of strength, he grabs his necklace, holding his pendant and Magnus’ wedding ring with utmost care.

“I’m sorry, Magnus…” Tears roll down while he feels himself slipping away. His vision starts to blur, and before he can close his eyes, that shadow is above him. For a moment, he swears he can see something dark fluttering like giant wings. Was there another demon that he wasn’t aware?

Sleep, darling.

Yeah, he is definitely delusional. Somehow, he is not afraid. The sweet, silky voice lulls him to a painless darkness. He feels safe, secure in a way he hasn’t felt since that damn night years ago.

I’m here.

[icanthelpbut-love-you]

together dancing cheek to cheek

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“May I have this dance?”

It’s with unsteady legs that Magnus steps forward to take Alec’s proffered hand, moving as though in a trance to rest his other hand on Alec’s shoulder, Brother Zachariah’s words pronouncing them one still echoing in his ears.

“Of course,” he murmurs belatedly, aware that the permission is more than obvious in his near-desperate hold. But he’s unable to summon anything witty, or even just less redundant, to say in the face of the all-consuming love he sees in Alec’s expression. It takes root, steady and warm in his own chest, stoking the feeling of overwhelming adoration already burning there and making moisture prick behind his eyes.

They’re surrounded by all the people they care about, looking on with assorted expressions of pride and, in many cases, more than a few tears. But they might as well have completely disappeared for all Magnus notices then. His vision has narrowed, entire being focused on the man standing before him.

He’s hyperaware of the ring on his left hand, hasn’t been able to stop reverently running his thumb over it since Alec guided it onto his finger only minutes ago. And now, with their hands clasped firmly together the feeling is only amplified, the smooth band pressing comfortingly against his skin. He can feel Alec’s ring too, he realises with a pleasant jolt, the cool metal digging into the sliver of exposed skin at that Alec unerringly zeroes in on as his hand sliding under Magnus’ jacket to grip his waist.

A small part of his brain has alarm bells ringing, conjuring memories of Havana. Admittedly, salsa dancing had possibly been a little ambitious for a beginner such as Alexander. But in all fairness, Alec is far more coordinated than he gives himself credit for – it would be impossible for him to be completely out of touch with his body given his warrior training – and when he did manage to relax his sense of rhythm wasn’t half bad, especially once he worked out what to do with his hands. 

As always though, Alec had been his own worst enemy. Magnus would have been content to stumble through it together, intermittent wincing and all, if not for his boyfriend’s mounting distress. Every misstep had sent Alec stuttering with frantic apologies, frustrated tension building and only making his movements less fluid.

It had been so, so worth it though. If for nothing else, then just for the way Alec’s hands had pressed roughly into his hips as Magnus had moved to the music against him and for the vibrant flush that had crept up his neck as Magnus had wrapped a leg around his hip to press them close.

Shaken back into the present by Alec’s thumb caressing gentle circles against his own, Magnus silences the part of himself concerned with self-preservation which whispers that, especially with the added pressure of everyone they care about looking on, this is a hilariously bad idea.

His toes will survive. And honestly, a little bit of bruising is a small price to pay for the pleasure of dancing with his husband.

Then Alec pulls Magnus suddenly flush against him and oh. His husband is a menace.

He’s clearly been practicing, though Magnus can’t think when in the world he would have found the time, stifling actual giggles at the hilarious mental image of Alec spinning across the training room with a reluctant and very uncomfortable Jace.

Magnus can’t believe it, that Alec’s kept this from him and let him believe he was in for a repeat of Havana. Even just a heads-up would have been nice, a quick “hey babe, just warning you that I’m about to shatter your entire world.”

Because that’s what he’s done. Magnus was in no way prepared for the sight of Alec, a confident expression on his devastatingly handsome face, holding him in position with perfect technique (though a little closer than is usually conventional). And based on Alec’s poorly hidden smirk, that was exactly the idea. Not that Magnus can talk though; it’s more than likely that Alec’s taking his cues from Magnus’ tendency to downplay his own proficiency in various areas – from pool to hand-to-hand combat – for a competitive edge.

Then Alec starts to move and Magnus is gone, unable to do anything but cling to his husband as he guides them across the floor in smooth circles

Alec’s eyes find Magnus’ as he relaxes into it, focusing less and less on executing the steps and just moving naturally. The look Magnus sees in them makes his heart clench. It’s complete and utter joy, glowing inside him and lighting him up as though he’s been carved from pure adamas.

Powerless to do anything but grin in response, Magnus wonders how on earth Alec ended up such a hopeless romantic. It’s so out of place with what he has seen of shadowhunter culture, and how the Clave’s rigidity and violent repression hasn’t beaten it out of him long ago is beyond Magnus. Although to be fair, between crashing his boyfriend’s political marriage and watching said boyfriend be used as a power play for control of the institute by his ex-Circle parents, what he has seen is probably not an accurate representation of your average shadowhunter family dynamic. And credit to Maryse, she (if no one else) making a definite effort to be better. Although that only really started once she was no longer technically a shadowhunter, so he’s still undecided on whether it counts.

But Alec... Alec is soft in a way Magnus could never have prepared for. In a way that could never be expected given his harsh upbringing. Which isn’t to say that he’s not a formidable warrior; you don’t get to be Head of the Institute by being anything short of fearsome in battle. But here? When he’s staring into Magnus’ eyes, a small smile gentle on his lips, visibly savouring his first dance as a married man?

Here, Alec lets his guard down completely. It still feels like a privilege to be the one lucky enough to see him like this.

Caught up as he is in his introspection, Magnus doesn’t notice the sudden mischief flashing in Alec’s eyes until it’s too late and Alec’s already dipping him, strong hands firms against Magnus’ back. 

By all rights this should feel deeply unsafe, he muses, his entire weight resting on Alec’s hands as he relies on his husband to keep him from crashing to the floor. But it doesn’t. There’s not an ounce of tension or worry in his body as he falls backwards, that ridiculous, borderline irrational trust in Alec that has been present from the very beginning – and only grown since – whispering that Alec won’t let him fall. So he lets Alec dip him low, and the provocative grin Alec sends his way ignites sparks that burrow under Magnus’ skin.

Trust Alec to be competitive even in this, of all things. Trust Magnus to find it way more attractive than he should.

Alec holds him there, smirking as he draws out the moment just long enough that Magnus can feel himself starting to get breathless. The entire situation is distantly familiar, like a memory from another life or the impression of a dream, of the golden morning sun and light-hearted teasing and calloused hands clutching his. The thought quickly slips away as Alec’s lips brush softly against his. Magnus can’t help but arch up slightly, chasing the feeling, and then Alec’s pulling away and pulling Magnus back up against him.

And Alexander calls him a tease.

Not to be outdone, Magnus seizes control of the dance before Alec can react, spinning him out and raising his arm to coax him into a twirl. He half expects it to throw Alec off completely but he takes it in stride, turning neatly with an amused huff, graceful in a way that’s surprising given how tall he is and how awkward it should look as a result. Alec’s hands wrap around his neck as Magnus draws him close again until they’re moving only a few steps each way, rotating slowly in the centre of the floor. He caresses Alec’s hip, inadvertently releasing a spark of magic from his fingertips where they grip tightly, relishing the way his husband shudders against him, a slight hitch in his breath where it puffs against Magnus’ jaw.

It occurs to Magnus, not for the first time, how wonderfully and uncannily in sync Alec is with him. How he can read Magnus’ cues like it’s his native language, where others haven’t even bothered to learn them at all. In fact, Magnus can’t recall it ever being this easy with someone before. Take away the complications of their jobs and the world that’s thrown everything it can in their path, strip it back to just them, and being together is the easiest thing Magnus knows. 

God, he can still barely believe that after decades upon decades of searching and even more wandering aimlessly trying to convince himself it doesn’t matter, that he’s given up, he’s managed to stumble upon this. And it’s borderline inconceivable that he gets to have this for the foreseeable future. That he apparently has a hold on Alec that he didn’t have over others (others who couldn’t or wouldn’t stay), a hold that actually matches the strength of the one Alec has on him.

After so many years of heartbreak he’s standing here swaying in the arms of a man who matches him stride for stride, a man who married him. 

A man who, in that moment, manages to stumble and step on his foot rather spectacularly.

Wincing, Magnus experiences a moment of confusion. They’re not exactly doing anything ambitious – just swaying gently, foreheads pressed gently together and breath intermingling. And then it hits him, given away by the subtle feeling of vulnerability he’s aware of if he focuses on it and the awestruck look Alec is giving him as he struggles to regain his balance.

He’s dropped his glamour. And it was enough to make Alec practically trip over his own feet. 

Caught completely off-guard, giddy with the revelation, Magnus can’t help the delighted laugh that bubbles out of him. Alec’s playfully glaring at him and Magnus tries to compose his expression into a look of innocence. It’s a battle he loses spectacularly, shoulders shaking slightly with mirth.

“Not a word,” Alec mumbles, expression an endearing mixture of embarrassment and reluctant amusement.

If Magnus’ hands weren’t already occupied, clutching his husband with no intention of letting go, he’d be sorely tempted to exaggeratedly mime zipping his lips, if only for the impressive eye-roll it would no doubt prompt. He settles for one last snort of laughter before schooling his expression into one of appropriate solemnity, for once passing up the opportunity to poke fun. Partially because he’s pretty sure if Alec gets anymore flustered he’ll just pass out from the sheer volume of blood rushing to his face. Or worse, start overthinking and pull away altogether. Either way, Magnus is not about to let this moment end just yet. 

And partially, because how could he tease Alec about this? Sure, the sudden lack of coordination is objectively hilarious, but Magnus can’t remember anyone in his long history who’d been so delighted by the sight of his real eyes that they’d have this kind of reaction. He’s grown to expect careful neutrality at best (and he’d rather not dwell on the worst). Alec’s utter, unguarded adoration for them is not something he’ll ever get used to.

There’s also the fact that he hadn’t felt the glamour slip away, wouldn’t have noticed if not for Alec’s response. Normally he feels practically naked without it, stripped of all defences in a way that echoes how he’d felt when he lost his magic. He knows he trusts Alec, but this is beyond conscious decision, a centuries-old defence mechanism that apparently now just falls away in his husband’s presence. And that speaks to a level of trust beyond sense or reason, something that he can feel at the very core of his being.

With all those thoughts swirling through his head, Magnus doesn’t think he could speak even if he wanted to, rendered speechless by the impossible depth of feeling Alec never fails to evoke from him. So he doesn’t try. Just draws his husband closer, let’s him hide his still-pink cheeks in Magnus’ shoulder as they sway together, ushering in the beginning of the rest of their life together.

[carmenlire]

Right on His Sleeve

Note: This contains explicit mention of past self-harm

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Toweling his hair dry, Alec walks out of the bathroom. He walks over to the dresser, pulling out a pair of plain black boxer-briefs and tosses the towel onto the floor to deal with later.

Sliding the drawer shut, he steps into the underwear. It’s mid-morning and he’d woken up a little while ago, Magnus nowhere to be found.

Though, really, Alec hadn’t looked very hard. Assuming his husband was in his apothecary working for a few hours, Alec had lingered for a little while in bed before stumbling into the bathroom for a shower.

He turns toward the closet, debating whether to pilfer through Magnus’s side for today’s outfit when he stops.

He doesn’t know why it catches his attention.

He doesn’t know why all of a sudden the breath stalls in his chest, why it’s like his world stills on its axis for an imperceptible moment.

Blinking back tears that he’d deny to his dying day, Alec takes a greedy lungful of air that sounds like a gasp in the silent room. He steps up to the mirror, closer, and his eyes don’t leave where they’re staring at the small scar on his stomach.

It’s nothing unusual. With a wry twist of his mouth, Alec reflects that the scar is one among dozens that litter his body. Most wouldn’t take note of it-- they’d assume that it was another mark of battle, heroic in its stark little reminder that Alec was a soldier and that he’d fought too many battles to count, that he’d been injured yet had always remained victorious.

Only he knows the truth, though.

He remembers when it happened. Only sixteen, that night had been hard. Half of him had wondered whether he’d make it to the morning.

Most of him had hoped that he wouldn’t.

Out on patrol, Alec had heard the telltale sound of a demon slithering through an alley. Bow up, he’d cautiously entered the dead end and almost immediately been assaulted with the stringent stench of the demon. That particular skirmish should’ve been easy. It was a single demon and even though he was only sixteen, Alec was already making a name for himself in the mission debriefs. His success rate was unparalleled in New York and he took a vicious satisfaction in the fact that while he might feel like a walking corpse most days, he could still do his job better than most.

The demon had landed a lucky hit and Alec had been shoved against brick. Ichor dripped onto the sidewalk, sizzling with every drop, and the demon’s talon had grazed his side. Hissing out a breath, Alec had grimaced as that talon pinched a little deeper.

As Alec studies himself in the mirror, a tendril of shame still burns through him at what had happened next.

At what he’d let happen.

For all that it had landed lucky hit, the demon was obviously disoriented and on its last legs. Alec could’ve run it through with his blade or errant arrow any time he’d wanted.

But for those few seconds he hadn’t wanted.

No, instead he’d relaxed against the unforgiving brick. Holding his breath, Alec had braced himself and let up on the hold he had on the demon.

The first graze had been incidental, Alec’s grip automatically tightening to keep the demon from hurting him any further.

But Raziel, the pain cut through his consciousness and it had felt good. The haze of pain gave way to relief and he’d been greedy for more.

He’d known the dangerous game he was playing. Alec was always in control, though, and the rush of pain was freeing and it swept away the fog that had been wrapped around his brain for weeks. Months.

Closing his eyes, Alec had carefully let the demon pierce him deeper. Looking back, he knows how stupid it was, that things could have gone so wrong so fast.

Still, Alec had known that the demon wasn’t particularly venomous, that he could end the thing whenever he wanted.

He was always, always, in control.

Counting to ten in his head, Alec had felt lightheaded when he’d finally opened his eyes and stared down at the demon. Grinning a little, a feral glint had come into his eye as he’d finally lifted his blade and decapitated the thing, ichor flying everywhere.

Panting in the empty alleyway, Alec had leaned against the wall and concentrated on the pain in his side, hyper-focused on the feeling of blood dripping from the cut and trailing down his side to soak the waistband of his pants.

Slowly lifting his shirt, Alec had stared dumbly down at the wound. Half a dozen inches across, it wasn’t that deep.

Just deep enough, Alec had thought with a slow, hazy grin.

Reaching a hand out, he’d pressed down on the cut, sucking in a sharp breath as the pain stung. It eased into a dull ache though and Christ, it felt good. Alec had only ever trained this feeling away-- spending hours in the training room or on the roof until his hands were raw, until he couldn’t breathe without wincing.

This was the first time-- though not the last, he thinks now with a deep frown-- that he’d lingered while out on the field.

The best part, he figured, was that it was while he was on patrol. No one would ever know that he’d let a demon hurt him, that he’d liked it, that he hadn’t immediately killed the goddamn thing as the efficient shadowhunter he was supposed to be.

Looking down at the scar now, Alec reaches a gentle hand out, tracing over the faint line. He hadn’t applied an iratze right away. Instead he’d sunk into the feeling for long minutes, losing track of time, the slow euphoria that swept through him as he let himself linger on the pain, on the way it let everything else fall away addicting.

He didn’t have to think about how he felt like an impostor in his own skin, about his parents who were barely around these days and only seemed to criticize and cut when they were in New York.

There was only dull pain and blissful fucking emptiness.

By the time Alec had raised his stele to his stomach and scrawled the rune, the wound couldn’t heal all the way. After a few years, the scar was light now, almost invisible, and Alec had mostly forgotten about it.

It was one among a hundred scars that marked him a soldier, after all, and it faded into the background most days.

But Alec knows what it is and he can still feel a trace of the buzz that had lit through his veins. He goes long stretches without thinking about the marks and what they mean. That reality feels so far removed from his life now that it doesn’t even seem like him anymore.

There are these reminders, though, always lurking in his periphery.

His breath catches as he extends an arm, bringing his other hand up to trace of the small cuts that litter the pale skin. Shrapnel that dug into flesh, the recoil from the string of his bow snapping against tender skin until it was raw and bleeding.

Alec has more scars than he can count and some of them, he is proud of-- the bite mark on his back where a drevak demon had clenched it’s double row of teeth over his shoulder before he’d managed to swing around through the pain and plunge an arrow through its eye. Alec had lost too much blood during that night and Jace had had to carry him back to the infirmary. That was a good memory, a testament to his mettle.

As was the long pale scar down his thigh where Alec had flayed his goddamn leg open during a training mission at the Academy. He’d been thirteen and climbing the side of a damned mountain on a trial hunt. A sharp piece of slate had jutted from the side and as Alec had heaved himself up to the top, the rock had impaled him and slit his leg open until the muscle was visible through the pulsing blood. He’d almost let go of his handle and he’d gotten through the rest of the hunt through sheer fucking willpower, finishing first and setting a new record.

That was also a good memory, though at the time Alec had cursed until he was blue in the face at the fucking Clave, the uncaring instructors, and his peers who looked at him with jealousy mixed with contempt.

Those are fine. Those are to be expected of any shadowhunter worth their runes. For the longest time, Alec had been proud of the other scars, too. The ones that were deliberate, the ones he craved and relished, the ones he courted and encouraged and were dirty little secrets that he held close to his side like prizes to be coddled and protected.

Now, though, he’s filled with sadness. Not bitterness or resentment or hatred because the Alec from before managed as best he could with what he had. Shaking his head a little, Alec knows his coping methods were dangerous and unhealthy and extreme but they were all that stood between him and death, total and utter surrender, and he’ll never hold his past self in contempt for the ways he dealt with everything that always threatened to sweep him under.

His hands are covered in scars from training sessions that were more punishment and a desperate need for control than any real attempt at honing his skills. There are marks on his body that he knows he could’ve avoided.

Alec’s grown so much from who he used to be. He’s so much happier and healthier than he was a few years ago.

So much has changed and Alec’s so fucking thankful for that.

Lost in thought, he doesn’t notice Magnus until his husband wraps arms around his middle from behind. Alec feels the weight of Magnus against his back, the warmth that seems to sink into him as Magnus sweeps one hand down his stomach-- thumb sweeping over the scar that had started this study of his body in the first place-- while the other reaches for a hand.

Bringing their joined hands up until they rest over Alec’s heart, Alec meets Magnus’s eyes in the mirror and his breath catches for an entirely different reason-- a bright, happy feeling clutching his chest-- as he sees the love and knowing in his husband’s unglamoured gaze.

“Beautiful,” Magnus whispers and Alec closes his eyes against the onslaught of emotions that single word raises in him.

Alec has let Magnus in more than he ever thought possible. Magnus knows more than Alec ever planned on confiding in anyone but he still loves Alec.

He still thinks that he’s beautiful and strong and worthy of all the love in the world.

It’s enough to make his eyes burn again.

His teeth worry his lip, biting down to keep a whimper in his throat from where it’s trying to claw its way up.

Alec feels Magnus’s touch ghost over old scars, feels the slow warmth that flows over bruised and blemished skin. He knows that if he opened his eyes, he’d see a wave of blue fading into his battered body.

It’s a soldier’s body and it’s seen more battles and fought more wars than most will ever know.

It’s won, though. It’s a testament to strength Alec never knew he had and as Magnus brushes a lingering trail of kisses over his shoulders, he knows that these signs of weakness and pain and battle don’t turn Magnus off.

Magnus doesn’t love him in spite of his soldier’s calling and a past steeped in anguish. No, he loves Alec because of it. He loves Alec because he’s here, now, and stronger than ever.

It’s overwhelming, to hand someone the worst parts of yourself and wait for their judgment, expecting their condemnation but instead getting nothing but steady support and love and healing.

Shuddering in Magnus’s hold, Alec sighs and leans further into his husband. The sun chases the shadows away and he feels peace lap around him like the quietest of waves, contentment sweeping through him as Magnus tightens his grip, as he feels the steady beat of his heart under their joined hands.

[onedoesnotsimplywriteafanfic]

I can’t loose you twice

Shadowhunters

Don’t make me lose you twice

Characters: Alec, Jace, Clary, Isabelle

Pairing: Alec Lightwood x Reader

Summary: Your parents worked whit the Lightwoods for years even before you where born. Just a little over a year after Isabelle and Alec where born you where brought into the world. Later the Lightwoods took Jace in and raised him as there own. Growing up together you trained and fought in battles along side of each other. Only one mission you made a decision that costed you your life, only that is what you let them think.

Warnings: none? 

Word count:4,358

Sitting on the roof of a four-story building, I looked out over the city of New York. The city where I once grew up. The moon was full in the sky, the stars were shining in the dark blue sky. Scanning the streets I searched for demons. The last few months were full of demons. More and more reports were made and there was not enough staff at the New York Institute to stop them all.

The night was peaceful, too peaceful. No report had yet been given about a demon alert. With my legs dangling over the edge of the roof, I stared at the night life that arose under me on the street. You would expect that on a night like this more reports would be made. And just when I wanted to give up hope I saw something unfolded in the distance.

I activated my rune so that I could jump off the roof unscathed and hit both feet on the floor. I was invisible to anyone who does not live in the shadow world. Without difficulty I walked in the direction where I had spotted the demon. The gigantic beast had made itself visible to the world and was spreading panic about everything he could. Three people were trapped between the walls of the alley, there was no escape.

Scared and hopeless, they waited for the monster to kill them. I stopped in the opening of the alley and whistled that caught the demon's attention. With a grin on my face, I ran towards the monster. With my seraph swords in my hands I called their name to activate them. "Azreal!" My voice echoed through the alley. My swords glowed a shepherd light and the sharp knives cut into the flesh of the demon. The monster screamed in pain.

Seraph knives burned when a demon or an downwolder came in contact with it. My swords reflected my reputation on the streets. Azreal was the angel of death. I received them from the silent brothers after I left my old life behind.

From afar, an arrow shot past me and settled in the demon's head. Because the arrow was barely missing me, I looked in the direction where it came from. I was stared at by a boy a little older than me with ravens of black hair and deep blue eyes that almost glowed in the dark. A pair of eyes that I recognized everywhere, a pair that never left my mind.

I faced my best friend, his blue eyes looked at mine. His eyes were serious, determined. "I take Jace on my team," he said, pointing to Jace. I crossed my arms. "That's unfair." We were in the training room with four of us. Jace, Isabelle, Alec and me. We turned our training sessions into a game to keep it fun. Alac and Jace were always a team and they were pretty good. Isabelle and I also formed a good team, but Alec and Jace were always stronger, because Jace was always stronger and faster than us.

Isabelle assured me that we would win this time and took her word for it. We stood in position and trained until we could no longer. We were right. For the first time we had a chance to win. Isabelle was the first to go off. It was now me at two. I did my best and fought against both boys at the same time.

It was trial and error but I didn't give in. I managed to get Jace down in a way that left him out. It was Alec against me. It was like we were dancing. Perfectly in harmony with the beat of the canes. But my luck ran out eventually. Alec knocked me out and beat me. I lay on my back on the floor and he held the stick to my throat. "I won." His eyes were full of pride. With his hand extended, he helped me up. I looked at him with a smile as I took his hand.

His eyes were questioning, he didn't know who I was and I wanted to keep it that way. Dressed in a black robe with a mask that hid my face. The mask was formed in a skull. I turned back to the demon and finished it. He went down in fire and the ashes disappeared with the wind. I quickly threw a glance to where Alec had been before but he was gone.

A moment later he walked into the alley with Jace, Isabelle and a red-haired girl. "Halt!" Alec shouted, sounding like a cop who stopped someone. I ignored him and went to the dead end of the alley. "Stand down in the name of the Clave and identify yourself." I sniffed and jumped on the wall, I quickly looked back and then jumped off the wall on the other side. I no longer had anything to do with the Clave, they were the very reason for my transformation.

Alec and the others ran to the wall and jumped over it, but by the time they were on the other side I was already gone. "Who was that?" Asked Clary, the red-haired girl. "No idea." Alec answered her question. After a final glance in the direction where I had disappeared, they walked back to the institute for a mission report.

I walked back to my apartment just outside the city. I dressed out of my robe and put on something comfortable. The sun was already rising and it was extraordinary that a demon attacked during the day. My work for the night was over and could finally rest. I closed my eyes and fell into a deep slumber.

In the institute, they discussed what they had just experienced. "There appear to be several reports of a vigilante fighting a demon at night, no one knows her real name or has ever been as close to her as we have. She has been seen in Paris, Moscow, Istanbul and Tokyo. Now she is in New York." Jace looked at the screen. "She is known as Azreal." Isabelle studied the information the institute had about me. "Isn't that the angel of death?" Clary asked. Everyone looked at her. ''Yes that's right. This is stated in the report; Azreal is the only thing known in terms of identification of the vigilante, most likely the name of her seraph swords. No one has ever come in contact with the vigilante. Status: very dangerous, approach with caution." Isabelle advises everyone.

I was known as the enemy at the Clave even though I helped them. Nowadays, help is no longer accepted. De Clave was known for their rules and I knew those rules only too well. A foot outside the line and there were consequences. I was done with the rules and followed my feelings only that cost me my life. The life I used to live before was no longer there, that life was buried six feet deep in the ground.

Nightmares filled my dreams most of the time. Pent-up fear came loose in my dreams. Cold sweat broke out on all sides and I shot straight up in my bed. My eyes had to get used to the sun light, as soon as I could see properly I walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. I drank the glass in one go and put it back on the counter.

After looking at the clock for the time I took a shower to wake up. During the day I walked through the city and scanned for suspicious cases. I walked through the streets unnoticed. By activating my invisibility rune I was able to walk around unnoticed. Only fellow shadow hunters could see me, but as long as I didn't pay attention to them, they didn't notice me. Then they thought I was one of the mundanes.

After being punished by the Clave years ago, I now took the law into my own hands. I followed my feelings and helped where needed. I no longer followed orders from anyone. Following rules was what put me in this position.

It was pouring whit rain and we were on a mission. One of the most important we ever did. The Clave had personally approach to us from Alicante itself. "Jace Herondale, Alec and Isabelle Lightwood and Y/N Darkflare." The head of the Clave stood before us. An older elderly woman with white grey hair. A small pair of glasses rested on her nose. Just over the rim of her glasses she looked at us. "You are our best chance of stopping this evil. Many of our noble fighters have not survived the mission I have given them." We were a little nervous standing in a row.

The woman looked hopefully at us, but her words sounded sad. "You are our only hope." Her words echoed in my head to this day. De Clave put a group of teenagers on a mission that were bigger than we were. The mission succeeded with luck but it still felt like we were losing. In my case that was true, I lost everything.

During the mission there was a crucial decision that had to be made and nobody dared to take it because it went against the Clave. The lives of hundreds of people were at stake. The decision was ultimately mine, I went against everything we stood for and did the unthinkable.

Sunken in thought, I walked the streets of New York. Not paying attention where I was walking, I bumped my shoulders in an opposing person. "Sorry." I said a haze and quickly looked up at the passer-by. Panic filled my body. I looked again in the same blue eyes as last night. Even before he could process who I was I walked away. In the years my appearance had changed and I had my hood over my head.

Somehow I wondered if it was a good idea to come here, there were so many memories here. The good and the bad. This was the city I grew up in, where I made friends and met my first love. Tears filled my eyes with the thoughts of the past, if only I could go back. If only I could turn back the time, even though I knew that I would do it again. I supported my decisions. I continued my walk and tried to get Alec out of my mind.

Alec was on his way back to the institute, deep in thought he joined his group. Jace looked at him. "Something on your mind?" He asked Alec, looking thoughtfully ahead. "Jace, I could swear I just bumped into Y/N." Isabella looked up with a jerk. Jace's face faded away a little white. "Alec, that's impossible you know she," Alec interrupted Jace. "I know." It brought tears to his mind. "Who is Y/N?" Clary asked carefully, not wanting to come over as nosey. "She was like a sister to us." Isabella answered. Although her eyes were sad, there was a smile on her face. ''Used to be? Has something happened?" Everyone was silent for a minute. Not knowing how to talk about it. "She died on a mission." Alec kept up, there was more to the story than just that.

Clary looked in sympathy from one after the other. "I'm so sorry." She didn't know how to respond to this. It was clear that nobody wanted to talk about it. "Tonight we go looking for Azreal. She is a danger to us and the mundanes. It is time for it to end." Alec brought the conversation to another topic.

Night fell and I was on the road early. Several demons were spotted in the heart of the city. In total there were five, three of them were easily defeated, but the fourth was a challenge. It was a supreme demon. One of the strongest I have ever fought. I sustained injuries in battle but it was nothing my Iratze could not heal.

I was thrown through a window of a nearby store by the demon. For a second it was black before my eyes but a hellish cry from the beast brought me back to earth. I jumped out of the window and fell back into the fight that I no longer fought alone. Alec, Jace, Isabella and the red-haired girl now also fought the demon.

I made the mistake of continuing to fight while I should have left better so that they could finish the fight. After the demon was defeated, they surrounded me hoping to arrest me. "Put down your weapons." Commanded Jace. All four of them were ready for battle with their weapons ready to go. In the years my combat training had improved enormously and this was a breeze for me.

One by one I absorbed them and I soon discovered that the redhead was the weakest link. She stood behind me with a twin sword. In a flash, I made them think I'd be attacking Jace standing in front of me. Before they were suspected, I turned around and knocked the redhead out. "Clary." Jace shouted. So that was her name. I thought to myself.

Alec drew his bow and shot a flash bang just before my feet. The light blinded me and for a good minute as I saw nothing. Blinking my eyes, I tried to see in the dark, but I saw nothing. I was attacked from all sides. I did my best to defend myself. From the technology that each used, I was able to determine who was who.

We all had our own combat technique. When my vision came back I danced around my opponents, just like before. It was almost entertaining. If it had been in different circumstances, I might have concealed my identity, but I could not risk it. "You surrender in the name of the Clave!" Alec lashed at me but I grabbed his wrist and turned it on his back. Occasionally they knocked me down but they got the most blows.

One by one they failed until Alec and I were the only ones left. Jace could have fought even longer, but he helped Clary, who was worse off. She sustained some light stab wounds. The sound of metal on metal filled the night. His eyes following mine and none of us broke eye contact. I managed to outsmart him and knocked him out. He lay on his back and I held my sword against his throat. I didn't say anything, just looked at him. I put my sword in his sheath and walked away.

It was quiet and Jace went to Alec and helped him up. "That technique." Alec whispered weakly. Breathless, he activated his Iratze. "Clary? Are you okay? "Alec asked her, she was on both feet again. "Yes, she's good I have to give her that." She stood next to Jace, who put an arm around her.

Isabella came closer to Alec and looked at him seriously. "Alec. I don't longer think she's dead." Alec knew right away what she was talking about. Jace overheard Isabella but said nothing. "How is it possible?" Alec’s brain worked over hours and looked at where I had left. "It's alright, Alec, go ahead." Jace intervened. Alec gave Jace a smile of gratitude and then ran away. Jace, Isabella and Clary went back to the institute while Alec went looking for me.

There was still a fifth demon that had to be defeated, but he had escaped in all the commotion. The streets were quiet so the chances of me finding him were small. After searching for hours, I gave up. Walking back to my apartment I got the feeling that I was being followed and was confirmed later on. "Stop!" Alec shouts from behind me, but I completely ignored him. "Please," he added. Fighting against the tears, he tried to stay strong. He came closer and I tried to keep the distance between us large.

The road we walked through was long and covered in darkness, half of the lampposts were defective and half that worked flickered on and off. "I know it's you." My heart skipped a beat. "I know it's you, Y/N. " His words made me stand still. "Go away Alec." It didn't try anymore to keep my secret. "No," he was right behind me now, grabbing hold of my hand and turning me so that we stood face to face. "Not until you explain what is going on. I was at your funeral." His voice was shaky and tears fell down his cheeks.

Looking for the words, I told him the whole story. "After I was punished by the Clave after the mission, I started investigating and discovered things that you can't even start to imagine. When the Clave found out that I knew too much about their secret organization, they wanted me dead." Alec's eyes were wide in his sockets. ''What. That is impossible." As I had expected, he did not believe me. "Alec, I asked shadow hunters who survived the mission what had happened. Like us, they had been ordered to capture the warlock, but why would you want to capture such dangerous warlock? They had plenty of opportunities to take him out just like us." The warlock we were fighting against had already killed several mundanes and shadow hunters.

He struggled to believe me, but he knew deep inside that I was telling the truth. "I don't get it." He shook his head and his words sounded uncertain. "I didn't either before, but now I do. De Clave is working on an illegal underground organization where they take downdwor," I couldn't finish my sentence, I didn't want to jeopardize his view of the Clave, especially now with the function he had.

De Clave was working on an organization where they tortured downworlders and tested their strengths and experiments where they could take their powers away and store them to inject at mundanes later in the futer. It was a shocking discovery, I never expected that the Clave who stood for protecting mundanes could do this in secret. "When the Clave found out that I knew too much, they were looking for a way to strip me of my runes and erase all my memories of the shadow world so that they could kill me and make it look like an accident." More questions could be seen on Alec's face. "Then they should catch you for a violation, you come from a line of shadow hunters that descend from the angel Raziel himself." Suddenly the penny fell why I was known on the street as Azreal.

His facial expression made me laugh. "They wanted to catch me on the decisions I made during the mission. When I killed the warlock instead of arresting." It was against orders, I had to arrest the warlock no matter what, and the only chance we got was the lives of hundreds of people at stake. I chose to save those lives while taking one.

The rain had stopped, the sun was slowly sinking into the horizon. The last bit of heat the sun had to offer drew people to the street. Just to grab a terrace until the sun went down. A mile from the city we found the Warlock that we had to arrest, he was very powerful and dangerous. He had already killed several shadow hunters. At this time we were the best chance to stop him and successfully arrest him and bring him to Alicante for questioning.

The warlock enjoyed another new team being sent to him to stop him. "How sweet, a group of teenagers who think they can stop me." He laughed mockingly at us. We went into the fight one by one. Each of us took a side and surrounded him. He was strong but played with us. He could have beat us for a long time, but he restrained himself.

It went on for at least an hour. We had plenty of opportunities to take him out, but the orders were to capture him. As an escape attempt, he fled to the city where families enjoyed the last rays of sunshine. We were still hidden from the normal world, the warlock had long since raised its game and challenged us.

The people didn’t know what was going on and were afraid of the warlock that sowed fear through the streets. Speaking that he spoke out to people. He had built a barrier around the people so that no one could leave. The screams of the people filled my ears. Begging for mercy and crying children was something that haunted me to this day.

Like a maniac, the warlock laughed at what he was aiming at. "You cannot go either way, surrender!" Alec took charge of the mission because he was the oldest. Isabella and I tried to find a way out for the people while Jace Alec fought on. There was no way out for these people or for us. To make matters worse, the warlock gave the walls spikes that were getting closer and closer. "Surrender!" Jace tried again but it didn't make any progress, nothing we did mattered. He would never stop by himself.

It was as if the world stood still. We had to make a choice between the lives of the people or the lives of the warlock. "Boys!" I called everyone together for an emergency meeting. "He won't give up, the lives of hundreds of people are at stake." I looked at Alec so he could make the final decision. "We have orders that we must follow." The pain in his voice broke me, I couldn't get over it. I couldn't let those people die for the greater good.

I had made a decision, one that I would be responsible for when it was up to. I took a deep breath and looked from Isabella to Jace and then to Alec. "I'm sorry but I can't follow that order." Still hiding from the world, I lifted my invisibility rune and ran to Warlock.

People would never listen to someone they couldn't see. I managed to surprise the warlock and cut it in his leg. "Everyone listen to me. Run on my mark as far away from us as possible in the opposite direction." The warlock recovered and laughed. "Foolish child!" He threw at me all the magic he had, but I managed to evade everything. "NOW!" I shouted and jumped as high as I could in the air and buried my sword in his back as deep as I could. I sat down and jumped away from him with a backflip.

The people ran in the direction of where Alec, Jace and Isabella were standing. The warlock screamed and his body went up in flames, the wind scattered the blue coloured aches like fireflies in the night. For a moment I didn't know how to respond, I went against orders had exposed the world of shadow hunters even more than it was before.

As soon as the walls had fallen, people immediately ran away, there was no time to respond and now at least a hundred people knew about us.

So much went through his mind. "I thought it was discussed, even though you exposed our existence, you saved hundreds of lives with it." At first I thought it was settled, but then I found out what they were doing. "That was true, but then I found out about their secret." Without saying anything, Alec grabbed my hands in his.

With a gentle squeeze, he showed that he was there for me. "Together we can put this right." He whispered. I shook my head. "We can’t, I have already said too much." I looked at him with red eyes. I could no longer stay here. Tomorrow evening I left for the next country at sunset. I pulled my hands back from his grip. ''Sorry. I have to go." I gave him no chance to answer or change my mind and turned to walk away. "Please Y/N, I can't loose you twice." A tear fell down my cheek.

Dressed in white, everyone I loved, friends and family stood around my coffin. It was a closed box because of the damage that I had "sustained" in my last mission. It was a mission that I could not handle alone, but that I had entered into alone. The mission was fatal for me only that is what everyone thought. What they didn't know was that I had staged my death to protect myself.

My best friends Alec, Jace and Isabella stood next to my parents. It was hard for me to see everyone like that. Disguised, I stood among the other shadow hunters. The silent brothers held the ceremony. The words that were said and the memories that were shared were heartbreaking. Judging by the looks and behaviour of Alec, he found it very difficult. I too struggled with it myself. I left everyone behind, my family, my friends and Alec. I had always had a crush on him but never knew how to tell.

I turned around and grabbed his face in my hands and did something I had never dared before. My lips made contact with his and first he was shocked but then he gave in. When I pulled back again, I looked into his blue eyes for the last time. "I love you." My words were broken and shaky, but it was the truth. "I love you too." My heart jumped by hearing him say these words.

I gathered up all the courage that I had and left Alec in the street. My apartment was not far from here, I packed everything up and was ready to leave. It didn't make sense to wait until the next night. When the Clave found out that I was in town, I would be hunted down. The best thing for me and my friends was to leave the city now and never come back.

[sadinprada]

Clace's Ending

Part I

Clary rested her head on Jace's broad shoulder and closed her eyes, knowing this will all be over later tonight. It was Alec's and Magnus' big day, the two had officiated their marriage under the roof of the institute. The wedding reception had begun and everyone was in attendance to celebrate their special union.

Jace and Clary held each other tightly as they moved slowly in sync to the rich mellow melody of the piano. Clary attempted to block out the Angel's words out of her mind, instead she focused on matching her breathing with Jace's and her steps with his. She didn't want to admit it to herself but the Shadow world was slipping away from her. Clary could no longer remember how she first met Jace, and she knew it wasn't going to stop there. She had no other choice but to bury herself in Jace's arms for as long as she could and savour this moment before she loses the memory of it.

Clary felt an uncomfortable tingling on her wrist, she opened her eyes, landing her gaze on her arm that was placed on Jace's back and watched tearfully as her angelic rune faded from her skin leaving an empty space, as if it were never there. Clary squeezed her eyes shut again, not wanting to believe what was happening. Not only was she losing the love of her life and her family, she was losing herself too. How could the Angel be so cruel? She thought to herself.

Clary invited every memory of Jace play in her mind like a movie; their first kiss right here in the institute; the stolen motorcycle that they rode on together; Jace's training sessions, where she had learnt most of her fighting skills; their first date; when Jace drifted off to sleep in her bed and Clary's pencil found it's way around the paper in her sketchbook, making sure to capture the moment of peacefulness.

"I love you," Jace whispered into Clary's ear.

Clary's throat grew tight and she felt like she was going to explode into a big sobbing mess, "I love you Jace," she managed to whisper back, although her voice was strained.

Jace noticed this and he leaned his head back to view Clary's face properly, he immediately recognised that she was upset.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Jace asked her concerned.

"I need you to do something for me," Clary answered reluctantly.

"Anything," he responded.

"Go to your room, there's an important object that I need you to see," a single tear ran down her cheek.

Jace furrowed his eyebrows, "Clary, you're scaring me."

Clary's hands desperately moved to either side of his face, "Please," her voice urgent, "I need you to do it, for me," she gave him pleading eyes.

She couldn't tell him what was happening right now, it was impossible to get the words out and if Jace found out now, he would try to stop her, and even though he would burn the world down till he could dig her out of the ashes, this was the one thing he couldn't fix, he couldn't stop what was about to happen, nobody could.

Jace remained confused about her request but agreed to it, "Alright, let's go."

She stepped back suddenly, "No," she replies, "I'll meet you there, I just want to get some fresh air first."

And then for the very last time Clary moved her hands to the back of his neck and yanked him towards her, meeting his lips. The world melted away as they unknowingly explored each other's mouths for the final time. This kiss wasn't like any other, it was filled with waves of pain and eagerness. Clary made sure to taste every inch of his soft lips and before she knew it, they were pulling away from each other. Clary met his blue and brown eyes - eyes that she had drowned in many times before and eyes she hoped to never forget, and then using all the strength and bravery she held within her, she turned away from him and walked away.

With every footstep Clary felt like she was dragging boulders behind her. She couldn't hold them back anymore, she finally let all of the tears escape, and in a matter of seconds she was crying oceans. Clary held her stomach as she headed for the Institute's doors. Her trembling fingers wrapped around the handle and she looked back one last time, Magnus and Alec were hand in hand, chatting to their guests looking the happiest they had ever been; Izzy and Simon had their bodies close together as they danced, completely lost within each other; Aline and Helen slow dancing, and Luke who was one of the two people she knows from the mundane world, who was sitting with Maryse, clinking glasses of champagne together.

"Goodbye," Clary whispered, to her family, to Jace, to the Institute; the only home she knew and to her only life that she wanted.

Clary allowed the blackness of the night eat her up. As her tears hit the pavement below her, Jace's tears hit the letter that he held in his hand. He read it once, and then again, making sure to read every single word. Punishment from the Angels. Memories gone. The runes she's drawn.

Just when Jace truly thought everything was going to be okay, it wasn't. He could physically feel his heart drop, so he did what he only could do; he ran. Jace raced out of his room and down the hallway, he dodged past people and sprinted outside of the institute's doors, he felt like he couldn't breathe as he searched for her red hair through the darkness and the pale moonlight and then he dropped to his knees. He lost her again.

PART II

Six months later Jace continued to have difficulties falling asleep and staying asleep, because every night he would dream of her, it was both a blessing and a curse. For the past six months he was forced to grieve a woman that was still living. The pain was like no other. His brother and sister would comfort him to the best of their abilities but this heartache was here to stay for as long as he lives. Jace, the once strong warrior fell apart once, sometimes twice a day. He couldn't help it, he had lost something that he'd never have again. When Clary left, she took his heart with her.

To love is to destroy and to be loved is to be the one destroyed. It was true.

Whilst Jace looked for Clary in every room and closed himself off, Clary had quickly forgotten every part of the Shadow world, her skin was now like a blank canvas as her runes vanished and she was living an ordinary life again. She attended art school and still saw Simon and Luke regularly, although Simon was unusually busy with a girlfriend she hoped to meet one day. Clary picked up her life right where she left it before she met the Shadowhunters - in her mind they never even existed.

It was an early spring morning in Brooklyn and Clary had just picked up her latte from Java Jones, she thanked the barista before exiting, as she turned to the right, somebody knocked right into her, nearly causing her to drop her hot coffee.

"Hey can you watch where you're going?" She questions the rude stranger although it's more of a demand than a question.

The stranger, a boy wearing black jeans and a leather jacket with his blonde hair neatly combed back snaps his head around towards her.

"Clary," he says with a dazed expression on his face.

Clary widens her eyes, "How do you know my name?"

The blonde boy eyes change from shock to sadness in an instant, "your name is on the coffee cup."

She glances down feeling flustered, "oh, yeah," and then she reverts her gaze back to the stunning boy in front of her, "do I know you from somewhere? you look familiar."

The boy struggles to find his words, he was is complete disbelief that the woman he loves and will ever love stood an arms length away from him. She wasn't the same Clary that had left that night six months ago of course, her runes were gone, her red hair still glowed fiery red but it had grown longer and she no longer wore leather jackets or her weapons. This was mundane Clary. The Clary he had first met in front of Pandemonium. The start of everything for him.

Jace knew that he shouldn't but he just had to, "until the day I die," he says out loud, absentmindedly.

Clary's face is blank, Jace's chest feels like it's ripping apart, it meant nothing to her. Knowing there's nothing he can do, he forces himself to walk past her. Jace had to remind himself that he is a Shadowhunter and she's now mundane. He was a stranger to her now, every moment they had shared only existed in his mind and it shattered him.

"And if there's a life after that I'll love you then," Clary tells Jace who instantly stops in his tracks.

It has to be a hallucination Jace thought to himself, but no. That was definitely her voice that spoke. Jace spins around. Clary's eyes were filled with tears, and at her feet was her empty coffee that splattered a creamy brown on the concrete.

"You remember?" Jace asks in astonishment and steps towards her, a lump builds in his throat.

"Everything," Clary responds, unlike six months ago the tears that flowed were of happiness.

Jace triggered all of Clary's memories of the Shadow world to come back. She remembered it all. She remembered all the others as well, Alec, Magnus, Izzy, Maia, Maryse, Helen, Raphael, Aline, Max, the Seelie queen and more. It felt like she had never left it all behind.

Clary felt her entire body burn, she glanced down at her arms and chest where her runes were reappearing. How is this possible? She wondered.

Her eyes met with Jace's, and she raised her hands, reaching out to him. He showed no hesitance as he walked closer and took her hands in his. Something he never thought would happen. After everything they had been through, all of the countless times they've almost lost each other forever, they were finally here, together.

Their eyes never leave each other's as both of their runes slowly but surely light up gold, a gold brighter than the sun. A gold that illuminated the store windows around them.

Angels couldn't keep two soulmates apart.

[nln4]

Burnout - a sidestep fic

Characters: Sidesteps - Mikoto Uehara and @ratastrofiend‘s Jace Paris Word Count: 1342 Rating: T for turned down, tw: notions of self-harm, spoilers for fallen hero: retribution

It’s the first day you’ve managed to get more than a couple minutes of sleep after the absolute fiasco that was the casino break in. You had taken Dr. Mortum’s gun, managed to release a monster and to top it all off, didn’t even get what you went for, as you relinquished the regenerator plans to Lady Argent. All of that careful planning, ruined for a moment of softness. The fear has been eating at your heart; you’re looking over your shoulder for signs of the Catastrofiend everywhere you go and your mind is frazzled. Whatever moments of sleep you’ve had lately have been little, and you can’t remember your dreams, only vague feelings of uneasiness and a dizzying array of colors. Of someone watching you. There’s laughter, but you don’t know why.

Which is why when you find yourself in front of an apartment door, you have a sinking feeling you know who’s on the other side. The door is sleek and metallic, with a panel for a passcode lock but there’s no visible doorbell, so you resort to knocking, the clanging sound carrying down the empty hallway.

The door opens and he’s standing there, arms folded, eyebrows raised. The expression he wears is as impenetrable as ever, cool black gaze staring you down.

“Please let me in.” Your voice is hoarse and you finally notice that you’re shivering, shaking with exhaustion.

“This is hardly a place for strays,” he says dryly, stepping aside and you follow after him. The door shuts behind you with a soft click and you walk past him through the hallway leading to the familiar gleaming marble and granite sitting area. It’s darker than normal with the fireplace barely flickering and you wonder if you had interrupted his sleep but he doesn’t strike you as the sort who sleeps regularly. He just keeps going, fueled by pure chaotic energy and his own dark design.

“I didn’t want to be alone,” you say, trying to keep your voice light but failing miserably.

You turn on your heel and there he is, right there and you wonder what it must feel like to be able to hold his head high, to be able to push through and not care about anything other than what benefits him, to hold so much pride in everything he does without the guilt dragging him down. To exude so much confidence like an armor that it would protect him from almost anything.

So you close the distance and pull him into a kiss, and if he’s surprised, it doesn’t show. He only pulls you closer, one hand on your waist, the other sliding behind your neck to tilt your head back, deepening it. It’s harsh and violent, with too much teeth and no kindness. The stud piercing on his tongue is a different sensation altogether as it slides against the roof of your mouth, and you want to lose yourself, willing yourself to feel anything other than the confusion and frustration that’s piled up over the past few days. Or past few months. Years, really.

Your hands slide up his arms, down the front of his chest, relishing the hard planes of muscles underneath your palms and you’re jealous, because now you wonder what it must be like to be physically imposing both inside and outside of the villain armor, to not be afraid of standing out in a crowd instead of always hiding away behind your mental shields.

To be able to leap without looking and landing perfectly, to not lose yourself in paranoia so much that you can’t move at all.

To feel anything, anything at all beyond empty loneliness, and you must be broadcasting your thoughts because he immediately stops and draws back, holding both of your wrists in a vice-like grip, the rings on his fingers digging viciously into your skin.

Good, you think. Pain. That’s a start.

“No, not good,” he says out loud, dark eyes roaming your face. “Now, are you going to tell me what’s wrong or should I return the assault and dig it out of your mind? Thanks, by the way.”

You can’t answer quite yet, breathing so raggedly since your lungs are still trying to catch up with you. I didn’t think you would mind, you think.

“That you’re using me for whatever dumb reason you’re stuck on?” The smile on his face may be polite but his tone is menacing. “If you want to hurt that badly, go jump out a window or something.”

You feel your eyes welling up and you have to train your gaze down at the white marble tiles because you refuse, you absolutely refuse to cry in front of him. Because if he doesn’t want you, doesn’t that just mean it’s a sick twisted way of saying you don’t want yourself? And who would, with you being like this, you wonder.

“No, you idiot,” he says, releasing your hands to swipe away a stray tear dripping down your face with his thumbs. “You’re just a spoiled brat who throws tantrums when you don’t get your way.”

“Maybe,” you hiccup. Yes, you think grudgingly, because it’s true.

“And if you want me, it would be because you chose it, out of your own free will,” he says, tipping your chin up so that you’re looking at him. “Not like this. Do you understand?”

You nod, wordless, voice caught in your throat. Everything is falling apart, you think. Impossible to fix.

“Sometimes things don’t pan out,” he continues, now placing his hands on your shoulders, forcing you a step backwards, away from him. “I mean, for you, not for me. But you pick yourself up. Isn’t that what you did years ago? When you fell? When you escaped? You and I both rose from the dead, didn’t we? Impossible is just what we do.”

“Thanks for the pep talk,” you say quietly, voice still shaking like you’ve just gotten over a bad bout of sickness. And you have to admit, except for that moment of madness that overtook you earlier, you feel much lighter than you have in days. “Can we, uh, just pretend earlier didn’t happen?”

He grins evilly, sharp canines glinting in the firelight. “Nope. I will personally never let you live this down. And,” he adds dangerously, giving you a sharp flick to the forehead, in which you let out a yelp in protest, “you definitely don’t ever get to use me. That’s not how things work around here.”

“I know,” you say, rubbing the spot on your head. “I’m sorry.” I guess even the great Paris has feelings, you think.

“Of course I do,” he sneers. “Just not for you.”

But he gives you a gentle pat to the top of your head, hand lingering for a bit before he walks away to his room, coming back with the same Dobermans from last time. You hold out a hand cautiously for them to sniff and they push their muzzles into your hands, giving you curious sniffs and dainty licks. From your experience, dogs don’t quite have the exact thoughts that people do, but you get the same feeling of intense pride from these two exquisite creatures as you do from their master.

“Yes, you two lovely ladies will keep this little bee company while I work,” he says, giving them thorough pats and scritches behind the ears. “Won’t you?”

You both settle on opposite ends of the couch; you’re cuddled up with the dogs, giving them them pets every so often (to which he scoffs, disapproving with the way you’re handling them/”You’re messing up their coats, I just brushed them.”). The only sound in the room is him typing away on a laptop but otherwise, it’s a comfortable silence.

You don’t sleep, so you keep watch out the window over the hours, watching the night sky fade to blues. Sunrise tints the entire room in soft pinks and then everything turns vibrant gold.

And in the light, you can’t keep your eyes off him.

[angellightwood-bane-blog]

What Lurks In The Dark // Alec Lightwood X OC

Disclaimer - Chapter One - Two - Three

Chapter Four - Daughters of Valentine

"Has she woken up yet?" I heard a panicked voice. My ears were ringing.

"No, I told you, I would tell you as soon as she did," another voice responded. I heard a frustrated sigh and footsteps getting further away. I could hear, but I couldn't see. I couldn't move either and started to panic. My body felt trapped, like I was in some sort of cage. After what felt like a lifetime but could only have been a few minutes, I managed to open my eyes, and instantly, the invisible bounds that seemed to be restricting me before, melted away. Everything was blurry, and it took a moment to focus. I could see a figure with dark hair in the corner, who jumped up and hurried over as soon as I attempted to sit myself up.

"You had us all so worried!" Isabelle sighed as she helped me sit up.

"I've never seen Alec like that."

"Alec? What happened?" I asked.

"What do you remember?" She asked kindly.

"I- I'm not really sure," I said, frowning, trying to draw a picture from her mind but only coming up with blanks.

"We all I know is you and Alec went into the City of Bones and he returned holding you, unconscious, in his arms, yelling at us for help, and shouting that it was all Clary's fault," Isabelle replied.

"Speaking of, I told him I'd let him know when you woke up, so I'll be back in just a second, will you be okay?" She added, a little hesitant to leave. I nodded and waved her away, and she walked quickly from the room. I stood up, a little unsteady, and made my way over to the window, trying to remember what had happened. The last thing I could think of was losing Dot. I remembered going into Pandemonium, but I couldn't remember coming out. It was like everything just stopped when we found that she wasn't there. I opened the window, letting the cool air wash over me, settling my rising anxiety over the situation. I didn't like not knowing things. I wondered if Alec was okay, he'd gone down with me Isabelle said, if I was in this state, what happened to him? Why was only one of us affected? She'd said he carried me out, but that didn't necessarily mean he was okay. Heavy footsteps approaching the room snapped me out of my haze and I turned to face the door just as Alec, Jace, Isabelle and Clary burst through.

"What happened?"

"Are you okay?"

"Don't ever do that again!" As soon as my eyes zeroed on Alec's face, something in the back of my mind clicked. I gasped as the memories flooded me with a jolt. My mother took my memories. She lied to us for eighteen years. Valentine was our father.

"Do you remember something?" Isabelle asked gently. I nodded with wide eyes. I felt sick and I could tell my face had gone pale.

"I remember going down, because Clary didn't want to, I remember the sword, I remember what I saw," I responded weakly.

"What did you see? Do you know where the cup is?" Clary asked. I shook my head, eyes welling up with tears. "Clary, she lied to us. About our father."

"What? What about our father? He died when we were little." My sister looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was, but I doubted that the Silent Brothers would have planted a false memory in my head. I shook my head again.

"Clary, Valentine is our father." The silence that settled was deafening. Jace's eyes went wide, Isabelle's jaw dropped, Clary was shaking her head, speechless and in denial, but Alec, Alec's eyes turned dark. He frowned for a few moments before shaking his head and storming from the room. Jace snapped out of his shock first and hurried out after him. I quickly followed the blonde, leaving the girls in my room. I found the boys in a room a few doors down from mine and hovered by the doorway.

"...These girls show up out of nowhere and they're Valentine's daughters? Did it occur to you that they might be spies? That this might be part of his plan?" I heard Alec's angry voice.

"I thought Bre... Just as I..." Alec let out a frustrated noise and kicked the leg of a chair snapping it in half. For some reason, his disappointment hurt more than his anger. I frowned, tightening my lips. How could he think I'm a spy? I retreated quietly, before either of them noticed, wanting to avoid Alec, but of course that was impossible in a place like this and low and behold we were all back together again in the entrance to the op centre. I stood awkwardly beside Jace, looking anywhere but at Alec, even though I felt his glare.

"I still don't understand," Clary said, drawing everybody's attention to her,

"How can Shadowhunters be better than what you people call mundanes?"

"Because we protect humans," Isabelle replied as though it were obvious - which it was, we must have been over this at least ten times already. Then again, Clary never listened.

"Oh, you're right. Humans. You protect humans. You left Simon all alone in the van. Great job, guys. You rock," She pondered sarcastically.

"Wait a second what happened to Simon?" I asked, suddenly realising he wasn't with us.

"Isabelle was supposed to be watching him, but she left him alone in the van back at the City of Bones and now he's been kidnapped by vampires," Clary accused. I thought about what she said.

"Sorry, what part of that was Isabelle's fault?"

"She left him! Alone!" Clary cried.

"I'm sure she wouldn't have left him with a legitimate reason... Izzy?" I turned to her, as if to ask why she did leave him.

"I heard something moving and needed to check it out, the van was locked, and I told him to stay put," she muttered.

"See, and there is some truth to the idea that human beings should have a modicum of common sense," I raised my eyebrow as I defended Isabelle, who smiled gratefully at me.

"Look, they won't do anything to Simon. They just wanted to draw you out. They want the Cup, and they think you have it," Jace explained, trying to reassure my sister.

"But why do they think that? Why does anyone think that? What, my mom lies to me my entire life except, oh by the way, there's this magic cup, I hid on, like, the planet Bongo, but don't tell anyone," Clary exclaimed, throwing her hands up. I didn't even bother correcting her 'me' to an 'us'.

"What am I supposed to do now?"

"We have to report to the Clave," Alec stated, not the least bit interested in Clary's whining.

"Great," Jace replied sarcastically.

"They have to know we've learned about Valentine," He shot back.

"What, that he's my father? Great. Fine. Tell them. What good does that do Simon?" Clary protested.

"Clary, it's all connected. The vamps want the Cup," Jace tried to explain.

"Why? It makes new Shadowhunters," Clary was confused now and I refrained from rolling my eyes.

"Nobody wants Valentine forming an army loyal to himself," I interjected. Alec shot me a suspicious look at that and I just glared back. If he was going to treat me like that, then he was getting it straight back.

"Plus, it controls demons," Isabelle added.

"They'll propose a trade," Jace said,

"Simon for the Cup."

"So, the vampires will trade Simon for the Cup and Valentine will trade my mother for the Cup. Either way, I lose someone I love," Clary sighed then muttered,

"What if I just toss it up in the air and let them fight it out among themselves?"

"So, this doesn't matter to you?" Alec and I snapped at the same time.

"Yes, of course, it matters!" She fired back, I rolled my eyes, "Listen when you saved my life I put my trust in you. Now, I need you to put your trust in me. I can't turn into what you are overnight."  

"It's true. She was raised as a mundane," Isabelle agreed.

"What are you, her spokesman now?" Alec groaned out of irritation then looked between my sister and myself before he added,

"Forgive me if I don't quite put all my faith in the daughters of Valentine." That was it. We trained together and got to know each other and now he completely turned his back on me because of something about me that I didn't even know. I'd had it with him.

"All right, that's enough," I put my hands-on Alec's chest and gave him an almighty shove,

"Do you think we planned for our mom to get kidnapped? Or for Dot to be taken? Or for me to have a giant sword dangle over my head and find out that my father is one of the most dangerous people in the world? Really? How little you must think of me," I spat. I held his startled gaze for a few seconds before looking away with a sigh. Shaking my head, I walked away without another word.

Hope you enjoy Chapter Four

-Angel

[bytheangell]

You Can’t Keep Safe What Wants to Break - Chapter 3, Isabelle & Maryse

(AO3) (Prologue) (Chapter 1 - Magnus) (Chapter 2, Alec) (Chapter 3 - Isabelle and Maryse)

It’s a rare thing for the entirety of the Lightwood family to get together for dinner these days. Robert bounces back and forth between assisting the LA Institute in getting things back up and running after Jonathan’s attack and his usual business in Alicante, and Max primarily stays with him while continuing his training. Alec lives in Alicante despite his frequent trips back to New York to keep tabs on Izzy and Jace at the Institute. Maryse, for the most part, remains out of the Shadow World entirely, though she gets enough news from her children and Luke to stay in the loop.

Izzy knows something’s up the moment Jace tells her he needs to talk to everyone at the same time, but no amount of prodding will get him to tell her why. Even Alec is acting oddly closed off, and normally she can bat her eyelashes and use her little sister charms on him no problem! Not this time. Alec starts actively avoiding her for the three days between Jace saying they’re all getting together and when they’re actually all free to meet, going so far as to reschedule a planned trip to the Institute even though he swears it’s just a scheduling conflict and not because he’s avoiding her.

She knows him well enough to know he’s lying, and she knows Jace well enough to know that he’s keeping something from her.

“Jace, should I be worried,” Izzy asks him the day before the dinner. “You know how mom and dad get when they’re in the same building as each other, is it really a good idea to make them have an entire dinner together?”

“I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t important, Iz,” Jace promises, and she can tell from the look on his face that he means it. This is important. This is serious, whatever it is.

“So important you can’t just tell me now, while I’m here?” Izzy challenges, an eyebrow raised. She doesn’t like the feeling of being kept out of the loop, and she’s anxious that whatever he has to announce at this dinner is something she doesn’t want to get surprised by. “You told Alec,” she adds as if this should automatically mean she should be in the know, too. “And don’t say you didn’t, because he’s been acting weird all week.”

Izzy waits in tense anticipation while Jace considers. She debates pushing it, really laying into the ‘you trust Alec more than me’ angle, but she thinks twice about it and decides not to in the end.

“I need somewhere private. Your room’s closer,” he relents, nodding in the direction of her room down one of the side halls and starting off without waiting for her to respond.

Izzy smirks to herself as she follows quickly, the sound of her heels quickly catching up to the thud of Jace’s boots down the long hallways of the Institute’s residential wings.

Once they’re inside her room Izzy remains patiently quiet and still while Jace takes a few moments to pace back and forth, looking at her then looking away again, before he works himself up to speak.

“I’m leaving,” he says finally. “To be with Clary.”

Izzy’s immediate reaction is joy, because what else could it be to know that Jace and Clary might get their happy ending! She’s thrilled to know that he wants to be with her even if she can’t be with them, and--

--and she can’t be with them.

Izzy’s thoughts come scratching to a halt in her head, happiness quickly shifting to disbelief. Clary can’t be here at the Institute, and she can’t be part of the Shadow World, which means if Jace is going to be with her then he can’t, either.

“You can’t,” Izzy says. “You can’t leave. We’ll figure something out. Look at all the laws Alec is working to change. He can change those rules, too, I know he can.” She’s not particularly proud of the immediately desperate tone her words take on at the realization but there’s no helping it, because desperate is exactly how she feels. Desperate to convince Jace this is a mistake, desperate to convince him to stay.

“And maybe if he does, then I can come back. We both could. But until then I don’t want to lose the next, what? Year? Two? Ten? Who knows how long that would take. Especially living this life, where I’m more likely to die on a mission before the Council changes their ruling,” Jace points out.

If that was meant to be reassuring regarding his decision it has the opposite effect. Izzy shakes her head from side to side repeatedly, like maybe if she can say no enough times she can will it into being true. She can’t accept this. She won’t. She knows she’s being stubborn but she refuses to even humor the small part of her mind that gets it on some level, already forgetting that little bit of her that immediately wanted to be happy for Jace.

“No. This isn’t something you can just… just do! You're not the sort of person who abandons their family,” Izzy snaps.

“Iz, I’m not abandoning anyone.” Jace looks tired already but Izzy doesn’t care. She isn’t about to let this go.

“Yes, you are! That’s what this is. You’re walking away from us. From me. Three go in, three come out, remember? I need you. I need you here, not off with Clary in the mundane world. We all need you here. You’re our best fighter, and with Alec in Alicante, Dad and Max in LA, and Mom exiled you’re…” Izzy’s voice softens and it takes everything in her to push the last part of this sentence out. “You’re the only family I have left here.”

Her voice breaks against her will, soft and pleading in a way she so rarely allows herself to be. She knows the words hit home because Jace’s eyes shine for just a second, full of emotion in a way he so rarely allows himself to be. They connect in that moment, deeper than they probably have in months, maybe even years. She feels a spark of hope that maybe she tugged on his heartstrings just enough for him to reconsider.

That hope is dashed abruptly with his next words.

“I’m sorry, Iz,” he says. “I’m so sorry.”

It isn’t what she wants to hear. Jace reaches out to pull her into a hug, his arms outstretched, moving slowly enough that she has time to take a step back. She does. Jace’s arms fall to his sides and he looks dejected. That exhaustion seeps back into his features.

“No,” Izzy shakes her head, taking another step backward. “No, you don’t get to apologize like you don’t have a choice. Because you do. You’re just not choosing us.”

With those parting words, Izzy turns and storms out of her room, leaving Jace behind. She isn’t sure where she’s going, she just hopes he doesn’t follow before she says anything else in her shock and anger that she might regret later. She needs to cool off. She needs to think.

Izzy takes her whip and makes sure her stele is in her pocket, then heads out into the night. Thankfully, Jace doesn’t follow her. She only makes it a few blocks into the city before turning the corner into an alleyway and leaning back against the wall, sliding down to pull her knees up to her chest. She’s in no condition to be out trying to fight anything, no matter how badly she needs the distraction.

When she gets a fire message the next morning saying he hopes she’ll come to the family dinner to hear him out properly she decides that she should - not to hear him out, but to back up her parents when they inevitably make the same points she made.

Maybe together they can get him to change his mind.

---

Maryse would have to be a fool to not know that something is up, but she welcomes everyone into her home - Robert included, though a bit more grudgingly than the others - without immediate question. The last to arrive is Isabelle, and once she’s there Jace asks if everyone could get together in the living room.

“I’m not going to beat around the bush,” Jace begins.

Maryse watches Jace closely - it isn’t often that she sees him this nervous about anything, let alone something as seemingly simple as talking to his family. She’s witnessed him address groups of Shadowhunters, speak with Clave officials, even step in as a representative during several tense Downworlder negotiations. But here, looking at the room full of family, she can see the uncertainty he’s trying so desperately to hide.

“I submitted an official request to be deruned this morning,” Jace says. “I’m leaving to be with Clary. This isn’t up for debate, no one is going to talk me out of it. I’ve taken every single detail into consideration and it isn’t a decision I make lightly. I hope… I can only hope you don’t resent me too much for it. You took me in and cared for me when no one else would. You’re… you’re my family. All of you. And I may be forced to walk away from the Nephilim but I’m not leaving you, not if I can help it.”

He turns his gaze hopefully in her direction and Maryse takes a moment to blink away the tears in her eyes she can’t quite keep away. She can’t help the reaction, not when her thoughts drift to her own de-runing, a decision made for her that she never would’ve chosen for herself in a million years. She thinks of the pain, of the social stigma, of the immense sense of loss she felt - and still feels, if she’s being honest with herself.

It isn’t something she’d wish on her worst enemies, and here’s the boy she raised as her own son, choosing this difficult path. It’s not the better life a mother wishes for her child, certainly not the one she wants for him. It hurts to imagine him suffering the way she suffered.

“You didn’t abandon us when you were deruned. So I know I don’t have to, either. I can make this work just like you did,” Jace says.

“Oh, Jace,” Maryse sniffles slightly, keeping the majority of her composure. “I kept a lot from you kids when that happened to me. I know I seemed fine, but…”

Jace nods. “I know. I know it isn’t going to be easy.”

You don’t, Maryse thinks. You have no idea, you sweet, sweet boy. But she doesn’t get the chance to say it before Robert cuts in, scoffing.

“Our numbers are lower than ever and you’re walking away from your duty? You’re a Herondale, the last of your bloodline. You have a legacy to uphold, and you’re just going to throw that all away? And all for some girl who, quite honestly, has caused us all more trouble than she’s worth?! This doesn’t sound like the boy I took in and raised as my own.”

Maryse hears the slight intake of breath beside her from Alec, chancing a glance at her eldest to see his hands clenched tightly at his sides. He isn’t stepping in to say anything, not yet, but Maryse knows that’s a courtesy he’ll only allow for so long before he goes off on Robert.

“Don’t give me that look,” Robert says with an eye-roll at Maryse’s surprised expression. “Coddling him isn’t going to do any good right now - he needs tough love.” Robert turns back to Jace. “You need someone to tell you what a mistake this is before you can’t take it back.”

“Tell him he’ll regret it,” Robert says, shifting to face her now. “Tell him how much you miss being a Shadowhunter, Maryse.”

Maryse rubs her hands over her arms, thinking of the runes that used to be there.

Of course, she misses the Institute. She misses the action and excitement of the only life she’s ever known… but she’s happy here, too. She doesn’t know if she’s happier than she would be as a Shadowhunter, but she’s still happy.

And it’s that knowledge, that hope that Jace could still find happiness outside the life of the Nephilim, that makes this news a little easier for her to digest the longer she has to sit with it. Nephilim spend their entire lives training to fight, raising their children to be soldiers first and foremost, and emphasizing that duty and tradition are the most important things. More important than love, or happiness, or personal choice. She looks at where that got her, looks at where it nearly got Alec and knows that she can’t sit here and endorse blindly following this idea of bloodlines and destiny if it isn’t what Jace wants to do.

“It isn’t my decision to make,” Maryse says, trying to sound calm and neutral. “Nor is it yours, Robert.”

“What?!” Maryse expects the outburst over her words to come from Robert and is surprised to hear it from Isabelle instead. “First Alec, now you? Dad and I can’t be the only ones in this family who care that Jace is throwing his entire future away!”

It’s obvious that Isabelle expected Maryse to agree with Robert. She almost had, if she didn’t stop to question her instinctive reaction.

“When you’re the only one on dad’s side maybe it’s time to recalculate,” Alec mutters, just loud enough for Maryse and Isabelle to hear. Maryse watches Isabelle bristle at the words as she turns to her daughter.

“Do you think my future was thrown away?” Maryse asks her daughter. “That my life is meaningless now?” There’s no malice there, no accusation. She won’t even be mad if Izzy says that she does - after all, it’d be more of a reflection on Maryse and the rhetoric she bought into and fed to her children for most of their lives.

Izzy falters and doesn’t respond. Silence fills the room in the absence of her reply, with Robert now silently fuming to the side. To everyone’s surprise, it’s Max who breaks the silence. In the immediate aftermath of Jace’s announcement, she’d nearly forgotten he was there at all, sitting quietly in the corner until now.

“You’ll still come to visit, won’t you?” Max asks quietly.

“You might have to come to me,” Jace admits, crossing over to kneel down in front of Max, taking his hands and giving them a little squeeze. “But yeah. We’ll still see each other. And I can still help you with your studies, and training. Just… not in Idris. Or at the Institute.”

Max considers that, then nods. “Like I visit mom for dinner, and sometimes she helps me with my runes!” Jace smiles. “Yes. Just like that. This isn’t anything we haven’t adapted to before, which is why I’m not sure why some of us are acting like it’s the end of the world.“

Jace stands up again before turning to divert his attention away from Max again, giving Isabelle a particularly pointed look.

There’s a long silence before anyone speaks again, and it’s Izzy who finally breaks the silence. Her voice is soft and she pauses after opening her mouth, as if reconsidering saying anything at all, before continuing.

“Because it isn’t the same. It isn’t the same and you know it. Mom’s de-runing was a punishment. She didn’t want it, and she never would’ve chosen to go willingly. But you…”

‘You’re choosing to go’ hangs unspoken in the air between the family.

“Mom didn’t go anywhere, and neither will I. I promise.” Jace follows his words with a heavy sigh.

“I get it if you hate me for this. I guess I should be thankful any of you are willing to accept my decision, but I guess I let myself get my hopes up because I really thought I’d have more support. All this talk about family and duty, except for when it comes to supporting your own, right?” Jace sighs again. He looks so much older than his years should allow, with a weight on his shoulders no one should have to carry.

Alec walks over and grabs one of Jace’s hands, giving it a squeeze. It’s the first thing he’s done since Jace started talking and everyone else said their piece. Isabelle said Alec already supported Jace, which means they already had this conversation before tonight. What Maryse wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall for that talk. She never had a Parabatai so she can only imagine what they must be feeling.

“You got me,” Alec reassures him. “Naught but death, brother.”

The reference to their parabatai oath tugs at Maryse’s heartstrings. She’s glad that the two of them have each other, and relieved to see that no matter what may have transpired when Jace first approached Alec, Alec seems to be genuine about supporting him through this. It warms her to see that same unwavering trust and support they had from day one.

“This whole thing is ridiculous,” Robert huffs, grabbing Max by the wrist. “We can talk about this when you’re thinking clearly.”

No one stops Robert from leaving or Isabelle from following shortly after.

“Thanks anyway,” Jace tells Alec, giving him a clap on the back.

“That could’ve gone worse,” Alec points out, shooting a hesitant glance between Jace and Maryse that she pretends not to notice. Jace just gives a quick nod, a silent exchange that ends with Alec apologizing for not staying and excusing himself to go check on Isabelle.

Jace stays back after everyone leaves, and Maryse doesn’t push him to speak.

“I appreciate what you did back there,” Jace says. “I don’t know if you really believe I can do this, or if you were just saying all that to annoy Robert, but either way… thanks.”

“Of course you can do this,” Maryse tells him. “Ever since the first day you stepped through the doors of the Institute there hasn’t been a single thing you set your mind to that you didn’t accomplish.”

Now it’s her turn to hesitate, suddenly wishing the others were still around for a distraction or two before she dives into what’s on her mind.

“I have to tell you… when I got deruned it was awful. I don’t want to downplay it, Jace - it was traumatizing.” Her voice is quiet when she says it, a whispered secret she planned on covering up and taking to her grave before tonight. “I’m not telling you to scare you. I’m telling you because I did everything I could to pretend it wasn’t for the sake of you kids, but if I let you walk into it thinking you’d come out fine on the other end then I’d never forgive myself.”

Maryse shudders at the memory of it, at the knowledge of the nights she wakes up screaming over phantom pains from nightmares, or the times when her longing for that thrum of angelic power that comes with activating a rune drives her to tears or leaves her feeling like an alien in her own skin.

“I’ll tell you, if you want. I’ll be completely honest. You deserve that much because no amount of warning will really be enough, but it’s better than nothing. If you’re really, truly set on this,” she adds.

“I am. Maybe not tonight, but yeah, I might take you up on that.”

“They probably won’t let me be there when you do it,” Maryse says. “You know I would if I could.”

Jace nods. “I know. And thank you, for not siding with Robert. Even if you don’t agree with my decision, you don’t know how much it means that you let me do this.”

“I’m not letting you do anything, Jace. You’re an adult now, and your decisions are your own. I wouldn’t choose this life for you, but I can’t stop you from choosing it for yourself. And if anyone can handle the hardships that come with it, it’s you.” Maryse pauses to blink away a few stray tears. “You’ve always been headstrong, but you’re a good person, Jace. Nothing’s ever stopped you from getting exactly what you wanted in the past, and this isn’t going to be any different.”

As she talks she walks over to wrap her arms around Jace, holding him tight and speaking the last few words into the side of his neck.

“I believe in you.”

She understands Isabelle and Robert’s reactions, but she also understands that Jace is going to do this with or without their support. What Jace needs is for someone to believe in him, and if nothing else, she can give him that much.