#he lives in your mind and he is talking. he is the adhd betrayer

[chrispineofficial]

“i’ll just get gas in the morning” no. that is the devil talking

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

Yooo askbox open :]

Could I get a Castlevania matchup, one female and one male character? I am fine with poly, and also the more background characters :]

I'm a bisexual guy. Once I'm past my initial `terrified of everything' and 'extremely withdrawn' phase of anxiety, I'm very energetic (though not very loud) and flirty. l love all fields of science, especially mathematics and physics. Very nerdy/ geeky, and I also paint and practice

l have a very impulsive and ADHD -type of humor, though it always takes me a moment to recognize any word-play. I'm very much a thrill-seeker, and things that tend to make other's squeamish don't bother me in the slightest. I suppose for the sake of the series, gore and acts of sadism don't really phase me, at least, to the extent that I am a spectator.

A/N: Okay for you, my Flirty, ADHD-Humor Anon, I think your best Castlevania matches would be Godbrand (Male) and Greta (Female)! [Note: The writer of this ask dmed me specifically to say they were fine with more minor/background characters, just in case you were wondering how I ended up choosing these two for them.]

Godbrand, believe it or not, would be a great match for you! He is very energetic, and flirty when he wants to be. Well, he tries to be flirty, but more often than not he comes off as kind of an ass, but that’s just part of his charm!

As a Viking and a sailor, Godbrand has a particular interest in science, mostly astronomy, and geography, but he enjoys listening to all the knowledge you’re willing to share about mathematics and physics. Despite what you may think, Godbrand is rather intelligent. He may be brash and lack tact, but he does pay attention to the emotions and behaviors of others. Every once in a while his arrogance gets in the way, but for a vampire, he’s rather attuned to the mental state of those around him. 

I think he’d pick up on your impulsive tendencies and ADHD-type humor fairly quickly, although that may not be a good thing, as he can be rather impulsive himself lol. The both of you are thrill seekers, so neither one of you is there to act as the stubborn voice of reason in all the escapades the two of you get up to. It drives all the others crazy, but neither you nor Godbrand pay them any mind. 

Godbrand loves to show off all his combat skills to you, and he is so glad you don’t run away screaming when he demonstrates how he takes down a five-man human army all by his lonesome. He wants to show just how strong and capable he is as a mate, and this is his way of doing so. (It’s kinda sexy if we’re being honest lol.)

Godbrand will ask you to bear witness to his prowess, and then paint him something that captures his essence. You’re gonna need A LOT of red paint for such a scene. 

As an INTJ you balance out his ESTP. You tend to be on the introverted intellectual side where he’s all about the immediate action. You are a great value to him, especially in how you can talk over his ideas, and help him think about them in a more nuanced way. You’re impulsive as well, but also an analyst at your core, so you are all for cheering him on: it’s just that you want him to go forward most successfully. 

Who knows? The two of you together might have even changed the course of S2. Godbrand would want to act on Dracula’s noncommittal attitude, and you’d be the perfect partner to talk out a well-thought-out plan with. Instead of brashly confronting Isaac with his half-cooked idea of betrayal, perhaps the two of you as a team could have spoken to Dracula, and see if you could change his viewpoint on erasing all the humans and vampires of the world. 

Greta is also a great choice as a partner for you because she’s smart and no-nonsense, but also wise enough to appreciate the energy and zest you have for life! 

Greta is quite understanding in your, as you called it, ‘terrified-of-everything’ phase of anxiety. In a world full of creatures who are constantly trying to kill you, who in the hells wouldn’t be? So many of her people live with the same anxiety and fear, and as their leader, she feels responsible for reassuring them all will be well. She knows what you need to hear to calm down, and she understands this is something you need to undergo to take any next steps.

She is drawn to your energy, and how flirty you are. She, being the self-assured woman she is, flirts right back. Your fire is a welcome addition to her otherwise very realistic, sort of strict outlook on life. 

She’s a leader, she needs control. She manages everyone, and it’s a difficult job. To make things easier rules and orders that are put in place. You on the other hand are impulsive, and rowdy at times. You challenge the stubborn rule-follower in her and push her to be more spontaneous and to accept the things she cannot control or change. This is also very much in line with your MBTI types, with you an INTJ, and her an ESTJ. 

You’re similar enough to have a great understanding of one another, but just opposite enough to push a little where they pull. Greta challenges you to stay grounded, and to think ten steps ahead, to consider the logical consequences of potential actions. 

She appreciates your love for science. Science is the future after all, and her people will need all the knowledge they can get if they are to advance their lifestyles and survive. 

The fact that both of you enjoy a good thrill is great and very much necessary in this universe. She understands you’re not keen on combat, but not everyone is. She’s just very grateful you aren’t constantly breaking down or throwing up when you catch a glimpse of her spearing a night creature through the middle. It would be very disheartening for her to protect the love of her life and be met with only fear and disgust. 

The other trait you share is that both of you are freakishly nonchalant at times. Night Creatures? Eh. Attempted murder? Eh. Vampires? Eh. It’s all just another Tuesday for you, and so long as you have each other, you figure the both of you will end up just fine.

[bpdanakins]

i just infodumped to my friends about bpd anakin and i have No Regrets snakjdkajfsk

anyway, doth thee have any more bpd anakin (or just anakin in general) headcanons becuase i am living for this

I am So Sorry this took so long, but hopefully the length makes up for it. Thank you so much for sending this to me bc BPD!Anakin is my entire life. I could talk about it all day, every day.

I’d like to thank @apple-grass-and-smiles for helping me organize my Thoughts on all of this, prompting me to focus on certain things and giving me feedback in general too. 

Okay, here goes:

Anakin fidgets!! I’m not even sure if this is a headcanon but if it is I will die on this hill. He can’t stay still for the life of him and doubly so when he’s anxious, nervous or Ready To Do Something Already. 

We know Anakin can’t hold eye contact to save his life when he’s upset or insecure, but I can also see him having issues with touch when he’s upset, unless it’s from certain people only (Padmé always gets a pass, for example).

Anakin’s quick to let some small stuff go, but larger things people do that hurt him (whether intentionally or not) aren’t really ever forgotten, and he just kind of takes that in and suppresses it, until random moments when it pops up, he remembers, and it just hurts like it’s happening all over again. The people around him often have no idea what fully sets him off, bc to them, his reaction now seems out of nowhere while his mind’s still stuck on this other thing.     - His reactions also seem sometimes like they’re Over The Top, but even just remembering past hurts can feel almost disabling at times. It’s worse when he ends up ruminating on it, because the hurt and feelings of betrayal just keep building up over and over until it almost blots everything else out.

When he’s happy or surrounded by those he loves, everyone kind of can feel it too, bc he’s just fuckoff powerful in the Force and esp other Force sensitives kind of gather around his space and just… his affection and excitement are literally infectious. 

This probably runs closer to ADHD than BPD for sure, but get him talking about anything mechanical (robotics, engineering, racing, etc) and he will go from 0 to 100 so fast you’d get whiplash. No one minds though bc, as I said, his excitement is infectious and honestly those around him just adore listening to him go off even though half of it goes over their head.     - Ahsoka may not ever get Gotta Go Fast, but she definitely loves it when he really talks her ear off about all this stuff, bc it makes her excited to learn and she picks up on all of it easily. (There’s a part of her that wants to emulate him and she does def look up to him obviously.)     - We see it with Obi-Wan, but people love to use his love of all things mechanical as a way to distract him from things that upset him. It doesn’t always work but they try.

With Obi-Wan, he ends up on the side of Anakin’s splitting like, all the time. And unfortunately sometimes Obi-Wan can’t tell that Anakin’s lashing out not because of something Obi-Wan’s actually done, but bc Anakin’s young and Obi-Wan’s the figure he can project a lot of his frustrations on.     - It can lead Obi-Wan to being confused and hurt sometimes, bc he doesn’t always understand Anakin’s thought processes when this happens, and it definitely sometimes cuts him to the core. On the reverse side, though Anakin might not always say it to his face, Obi-Wan definitely can overhear him at times when Anakin’s ready to 1v1 anyone who even so much as makes a frowny face about Obi-Wan, which helps Obi-Wan remember that Anakin does love him too, actually.     - It ends up being one of the points of frisson between Anakin and Mace, bc Anakin can’t read body language perfectly, especially when it comes to feelings of abandonment or someone seemingly not loving who Anakin loves to the same degree. Mace has a drier sense of humor at times and defs has a more resting frowny face, and this rankles Anakin at times bc he can’t always tell when Mace is just chilling vs being disappointed, and while Anakin will take it all personally, he ALSO takes any perceived criticism to those he loves personally too.     - Both Mace and Obi-Wan don’t get this bc they have a perfectly fine relationship. Anakin’s just Like That.     - (And super overprotective of people’s perceptions of Obi-Wan. Anakin will go off about Obi-Wan being mean and all that, but fuck you and your entire family tree if you ever even think Obi-Wan’s anything short as the most amazing Jedi to ever Jedi.)

Everybody and their mother can see the pedestal Anakin puts Padmé on, and surprisingly she rarely is on the end of his splitting. When he does, he just internalizes it bc he can’t stand the idea that he’s somehow seen her in a wrong light, or he feels guilty for getting angry with her.     - He also defines a huge chunk of his life around loving her, making her his center for a lot of his decisions and reactions, so when they’re off, his whole world seems backwards. It makes him Really uncomfortable and unsure. He gets panicky and upset and often people have no idea what the cause is so they just end up a lil panicky in return.     - He tends to take it out on others, by doing an exercise or by disappearing to fiddle with something.     - Pads has an easier time recognizing Anakin’s emotional needs, bc in some ways they’re the same as hers. She’s good at reaching out to him, comforting him and reassuring him of her love. And in turn, he like, never fucking shuts up about how much he loves her, and those moments are what make her feel so special around him. Being loved by Anakin makes someone feel important and even get tingly, bubbly happy feelings, because it’s hard to doubt it sometimes.     - There’s a part of her that sometimes worries about how Intense he is, but, like I said, when his positive intense emotions are focused on you, it feels wonderful. And he’s genuinely super sweet and gentle, and she appreciates that, when she tells him to back off about something, he’ll listen to her wishes. (I’m using movie Anakin as my base here bc TCW!Anakin in this regard is just…. bad y’all lmao)

Anakin’s anxious about Ahsoka All The Time. He’s afraid he’s a bad teacher, he’s afraid he’ll mess her up somehow, he’s afraid he’ll hurt her or she’ll get hurt, and that’s why he can’t stand the idea sometimes of her being on her own. It’s not a lack of trust in her abilities, but because he feels responsible for her, and that’s why he’s always ready to put himself between her and literally anything that could potentially hurt her. (Even if it’s not a physical threat.)     - There are times she finds this amusing and times this makes her angry, but mostly she is long suffering. There are times she appreciates it though, bc she’s still a kid and isn’t always sure which way is up, especially when in a war. Anakin is often a cornerstone for her, and though she’d literally NEVER admit it, his overprotectiveness can sometimes be a reassurance. She knows she can handle herself just fine, but when she has an inkling of doubt, she’ll remind herself that Anakin will be there, and then go and take care of the problem herself.     - She doesn’t always get his moments where he’s not always falling over himself to talk Obi-Wan up or go out of his way to sass at him. To her, they have a wonderful relationship and she rarely notices when Obi-Wan might say something that pokes at Anakin wrong, so she often just winds up ???? when Anakin is huffy or annoyed with her grandmaster.     - She sees Anakin’s anger issues a little more easily than others, and she worries about it but always brushes it off or downplays it, bc she always sees why he’s angry, and also always just assumes (like everyone else) that he can Handle It.     - Anakin’s recklessness and impulsivity are some of her favourite things about being his padawan. He’s literally never boring to be around, and Ahsoka needs that sort of excitement to sometimes push aside the knowledge that she’s literally in a warzone. Anakin’s also really good at doing this intentionally; he’s literally always worrying after her, and all he wants to do is take care of those he loves and make them happy, so sometimes he’ll be Extra just to get under her skin or distract her and honestly this is the basis of where their playful competitions always come from.

If Ahsoka is long suffering, Rex is doubly so. Sometimes it’s all he can do to keep up with Anakin and Ahsoka, but he appreciates Anakin “thinking outside the box”. He also appreciates knowing that Anakin is just as loyal to him and his men as he himself is (well… Anakin is until he isn’t lmao)     - Rex, like Pads, is really good at picking up Anakin’s moods and even trains of thought, so he’s always able to work around that, or even see where Anakin’s mind is going when coming up with a plan. They make a really good team bc while Anakin can jump from one idea to another without them seemingly correlated, Rex immediately follows Anakin’s leaps and they just end up in sync.     - That being said, Anakin can be really confusing at times. His moods are often so all over the place, that Rex generally has no idea what tf is going on. He deals with it by learning to be calm when Anakin’s unable to, and just ride out Anakin’s worst moods until they pass by, learning not to let it all phase him. Anakin lowkey hates it when he’s upset, but once the worst of it passes, he really appreciates that Rex will just… not press like Obi-Wan, or balances out the moments Anakin’s mind is so cluttered by instead just keeping a good focus on things.

Probably everyone’s most baffling symptom of Anakin’s is his paranoia. Obi-Wan kind of sees it the most, because Anakin is always testy with the Council and often feels put on the spot, dismissed and looked down upon. To everyone else, they don’t get where Anakin’s ideas come from, bc everything seems chill on their end. His fretting about others’ well-being is straightforward enough, but his instant panic-turned-anger shift when he receives any criticism (especially the perceived type) always gives people whiplash. It’s hard to keep up with, hard to see what it was that got to him so much, and hard to know how to help (particularly when they’re worried that trying to help him will feel like “taking sides”).     - Ahsoka takes Anakin’s POV of the Council pretty easily, at least when it comes to him. This is mostly bc she’s not there when there’s a meeting or tension around them, nor was she there when Anakin first arrived, so she just assumes they must genuinely often have issues with him too. She doesn’t see it to the extent Anakin does though, but she recognizes that sometimes he seems to blow things out of proportion when he’s upset, and figures it’ll just blow over once he’s calmed down.     - Pads, on the other hand, is always kind of aware of Anakin’s fears of losing her. He often not-so-subtly looks for reassurances that she loves him and won’t leave him, that she’s feeling alright or not angry/annoyed with him. She chalks it up to his trauma with his mother (and she’s partially right), so even when sometimes it gets on her nerves that he seems to doubt her so much, she tries to remind herself of that and let it go. 

Those closest to him can pick up that Anakin tends to see the negative in things, and is generally really hard on himself. They try to help out by giving praise where it’s due and just overall Being There, but it’s Rough to know they often don’t get through. (Palps, on the other hand, knows how to weaponize this.) 

The saddest part is that I don’t think anyone once thought Anakin was Seriously Ill, partly out of ignorance, partly bc they assumed it had to do with his age/upbringing, and partly bc, eventually, everyone was dealing with trauma and even if someone wanted to send Anakin back to the Temple to have a nap or something, they legit couldn’t bc there was a war going on and he also would never have tolerated it at that point in time.     - Obi-Wan’s the one who worries about all of this the most, because he’s always felt such a huge responsibility for Anakin and loves him a lot, he’s just never fully been able to understand how to get on the same wavelength as Anakin.     - Anakin, too, actually never fully figures out that there is something Going On. Everything’s always overwhelming him and even though he prefers doing things at 100mph, sometimes it seems like there is Too Much going on, and even during peace times it just felt like he couldn’t keep up with everything. He hates internal reflection but also can’t stop overthinking about everything, and so he just ruminates and goes in circles and often just ends up going nowhere when it comes to dealing with things. He tries his hardest all the time, he is ALWAYS trying, but doing stupid stunts, fighting droids, making robots and speeding everywhere all the time is truthfully only a bandaid.     - Being surrounded by those he adores and receiving affection from them/seeing them happy boosts his mood a lot but he doesn’t have enough self-awareness to guess at why his happier moods just won’t last.     - Sometimes he can figure out when he’s being irrational and then just takes it out on himself, which only exacerbates his bad episodes. 

Palpatine doesn’t help. He’s abusive, manipulates Anakin all the time and is the Worst and definitely makes everything Anakin is struggling with harder and I think we should all just punt him into a sun thank you this isn’t a headcanon I just want everyone to know how much I hate him

[ourimpavidheroine]

And here he is, guys, gals and nonbinary pals: His Majesty Hou-Ting LIV!

Wu

So listen, I can’t even begin to parse as to why I loved this smarmy, slangy, embarrassingly whiny little royal elbow leech. But I did. And then he rode in those badgermoles (a plot point that Bryan admitted he hated and didn’t want to do) and I was like I MUST WRITE ABOUT THIS LITTLE ASSHOLE.

I don’t know what to tell you. My brain is what it is.

Wu is so weird. He’s just weird. He’s 1000% clueless about normal life. He’s unimaginably rich - the Jeff Bezos of the Avatar world - and in Book 4 he has quite literally zero social skills.

After I had written Please Excuse My Penmanship Bryke came out and said they thought Wu was already in Republic City when the Earth Queen was assassinated, possibly going to boarding school or college. This never made much sense to me. I think it was one of those things they didn’t think through, they just put this very wealthy prince there in a hotel and didn’t worry about what got him there. (This was not the first time Bryke had done that.) I never bought that he was older; despite his sophisticated clothing and the fact that outside of Mako he’s on his own he screamed teenager to me. The Wu of Book 4 always seemed to me to be a kid who is trying very, very hard to act like what he thinks a sophisticated adult should be like. Which is why I put him at eighteen in Book 4. (I seem to be in the minority there, most other fanfic writers put him as older than Mako, even.)

It also never made any sense for me that this Crown Prince would speak as much slang as he did. I did a fair amount of research on Puyi, the last emperor of China (I saw the movie, The Last Emperor, when it came out in 1987 but I realize now it was a heavily whitewashed and historically inaccurate portrayal) and brought that into my Wu. True story: in 1921, when Puyi was fifteen, he had a telephone installed in the palace, under the mighty disapproval of his various advisors (and even his father). They didn’t want him having contact with the outside, modern world. Puyi was the emperor, however, so he got his own way in the end. And what did he do with this new phone, at first? He used it to make crank calls all around Beijing. Because he was the Emperor, yes, but also a fifteen year old boy. (A year or so later he used it to try and relocate imperial treasures outside of the palace for fear that he’d need an escape route outside of China, a fear that was absolutely justified.)

So I thought to myself, what would happen if you took an utterly and completely sheltered fifteen year old boy and threw him into the world, unsupervised? He’d cut off his queue, ditch his traditional clothing and start watching every single mover he could get his hands on, read every single cheap novel he could find, listen to every single sensational radio drama and base his personality on the heroes of those stories. And there he was, three years after being rescued out of the palace in Ba Sing Se, an eighteen year old refugee prince in Republic City, envisioning himself as one of the fictional heroes he was so fond of, halfway in love with his handsome bodyguard, in complete, terrified denial of the reality of what Kuvira is doing to his kingdom. 

Making him younger also serves to make him less of an asshole. We can forgive an eighteen year old twirling his walking stick and calling Mako his big tough guy and pretending he’s actually interested in the ladies (never mind being somehow good with them) far more easily than we can forgive a twenty-three year old doing it. Eighteen year old Wu doing what he did in Book 4 makes him a kid still figuring out his own way. Twenty-three year old Wu doing it makes him a clueless, uncaring creep. Those five years makes a difference at that age, for sure.

I made him smart; I made him politically astute. I gave him the kind of education a Crown Prince would have received with regards to politics, culture, history, international relations, etc. (Boarding school my ASS.) I created a backstory for him and the Hou-Ting family that heavily relied on the actual history of Imperial China. 

I had Huan tell him to knock off the slang because that shit was annoying and it needed to stop. You’re welcome.

He’s also ADHD as fuck. My Betareader says that reading his run-on sentences, heavily seasoned with obscure vocabulary, jumping from subject to subject is like listening to me speak. I do not deny this. I do not even try.

Is he still the guy that danced around Beyoncé-style at his truncated first coronation? Oh he is, he really is. Does he write himself that way in his diaries? Please. Of course not. Some of the fun of writing Wu is writing about him from other POVs; he’s the most unreliable narrator of ever. He’s vain, self-centered, prone to giving orders and expecting them to be obeyed (he’ll always be a King, let’s get this clear right now) but he’s also generous to a fault and, because he won’t have nannies (he’s afraid of having in-house staff because of the betrayal of his own personal staff when the palace was overrun) ends up doing the lion’s share of raising his four children, which does a lot to mature him and ground him in reality. He’s never going to be an average Joe, however. He’s never going to be normal. He’s an abdicated King. That does not equal normal in any universe, including ours.

Wu is a refugee. He lives in a country that is not his own. While he speaks the same language as those in Republic City, I’ve made sure to note that his accent/dialect are completely different. His culture and customs are different. His entire family is dead and the only person he has left from his childhood is the former Grand Secretariat Gun. (There’s another character I completely rewrote.) Wu is a profoundly lonely man, even in the middle of his noisy, loving family. He knows he is different; he’s aware that he will never really fit in, not really. As an immigrant myself, I know exactly how this feels and I have certainly brought that into his character.

Which leads us to this song, which to me is the ultimate Wu song. Retitle it “An Earth King in Republic City” and there you have it. (Not to mention I’m pretty sure Wu in his eighties would channel more than a little of Quentin Crisp.) This song has been his ever since I wrote Penmanship. He is the gentleman in this song.

I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear I like my toast done on one side And you can hear it in my accent when I talk I'm an Englishman in New York See me walking down Fifth Avenue A walking cane here at my side I take it everywhere I walk I'm an Englishman in New York I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York If "Manners maketh man" as someone said Then he's the hero of the day It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile Be yourself no matter what they say I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York Modesty, propriety can lead to notoriety You could end up as the only one Gentleness, sobriety are rare in this society At night a candle's brighter than the sun Takes more than combat gear to make a man Takes more than a license for a gun Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can A gentleman will walk but never run If "Manners maketh man" as someone said Then he's the hero of the day It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile Be yourself no matter what they say Be yourself no matter what they say Be yourself no matter what they say Be yourself no matter what they say Be yourself no matter what they say... I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York

[dailyaudiobible]

11/02/2020 DAB Transcript

Ezekiel 3:16-6:14, Hebrews 4:1-16, Psalms 104:24-35, Proverbs 26:27

Today is the 2nd day of November welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I'm Brian it's wonderful to be here with you today as it is every day. It's my oasis just like it might be your oasis coming in around the Global Campfire and letting all the other stuff go. And when is there never not other stuff to focus or obsess on or be brought down by. But just to come in here and know that I'm not alone in here, that we are in here together and then God's word is gonna speak and wash into our hearts and lives. That…yeah…that's my oasis too. And, so I’m so grateful that we can be in this together as we take the next step forward. So, let's do that. We’re reading from the Evangelical Heritage Version this week. We began the book of Ezekiel, another book of major prophecy. And again, the major prophets aren’t major because they're more important. The major prophets are…well…they’re called the major prophets because of the volume of material in these books. And then when finish the major prophets we’ll move into the minor prophets, which it doesn't mean they’re like the minor leagues of prophets just hoping one day the be called up to the big game. It's just…they’re shorter, more direct, or focused. And, so, we will get there when we get there, but we are here at the beginning of a new month and the beginning of the week or at least the beginning of the workweek. And, so, let's dive in. Ezekiel chapter 3 verse 16 through 6 verse 14.

Commentary:

Okay. So, in the book of Hebrews today we encountered a very, very, very famous passage of Scripture. “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword. It penetrates even to the point of dividing soul and spirit, joint and marrow, being able to judge the ideas and thoughts of the heart.” This is a scripture so famous that we may have committed to memory, but have you…have you ever thought about what kind of instrument we are talking about when we are talking about how deep the Scriptures can penetrate? I mean, so like many of you have medical backgrounds, many of you have psychology backgrounds. Like what scalpel, what tool, what can go that deep? And even if we said we could go that deep, maybe not with a scalpel because how would we even find where soul and spirit divide? But if we could approach that in some way, in some kind of psychological capacity, like how long would it take to get there, to the essence, to the core of the true self? This is the claim that the author of Hebrews is making about the word of God. And we just talked about like, where do soul and spirit meet? Where would that be? How do you even find that place? Well…if the soul, as many believe is the seed of consciousness, like the awareness that you are you. And if it encompasses our emotional nature and our moral convictions. And if the spirit is…is what makes us alive, if it is the source of life, it is God within animating life itself then we’re talking about...I think we’re talking about as deep as you can talk about. Like this is at the level of consciousness. This is at the level of our instincts. This is at the level of…of love and feeling and emotion and conviction. This is where we make choices. This is where we decide what our bodies are going to do and then our bodies go and do those things that we've decided that they're going to do, whether they’re good things or bad things. According to Hebrews this is how deep the word of God can penetrate. So, it just…it cuts through all the crap that we invent to cope and it cuts through all of the façade of personality that we create to have some sort of place in this world and to cope and move around. And it goes below, beneath, under all of the wounding of our lives, all of the things that have pulled us into isolation. It gets under or behind all of that to a place that's true and speaks there. It speaks truth there. That's why we’re showing up here every day. I mean that's why we come around this Global Campfire because the word of God speaks deep things into our deepest truest self and over time, that changes things. We might call this transformation. We might call this sanctification, if we want to be all theological. But what's happening is that we’re being changed. Our identity is coming into alignment with the nature of our Father as we have been adopted into His family as His sons and daughters. And according to Hebrews, the Scriptures guide that process. What a joy.

Prayer:

Father what a…what a relief. Thank You for this gift. Thank You for giving this to us. Thank You for every day bringing Your word into our lives in a way that we need coming at us from every angle. And we’ve spent a year in Your word, and You have come at us from every angle, encouraging and rebuking us in ways that we simply can't hide because You’re touching every aspect of our lives. And, so, we are grateful for that and we are deeply committed to finishing this year well as we move forward into all that You have yet to speak to us. We’re hearing loud and clear. It's been a disruptive year and it's been very, very difficult on many levels but such a reset on so many fundamental levels in so many primary ways. You have done the hard work of inviting us into starting over in a lot of ways, and we are thankful for that and we look forward to all that You have yet to speak, not only in the days and weeks ahead of this year, but for the rest of our lives. So, we are thankful for Your word and we are thankful that it is something that can get to the core beyond our own deception of even ourselves, it can get the core. And, so, we commit ourselves to continuing the relationship that we have with the Scriptures, allowing it to speak to us each day. Come Holy Spirit we pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, it’s where you find out what is going on around here. And there's always something or another to check out. So, stay connected.

Be aware of the Daily Audio Bible Shop. There are resources there for the journey that we are currently on as we continue making our way toward the end of the year.

Check out the Prayer Wall. That is a fantastic place to go and intercede for each other and request prayer.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com as well. There is a link on the homepage. If you’re using the app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner, or the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, it’s the little red button at the top, you can't miss it or there are numbers that you can call. If you're in the Americas 877-942-4253 is the number to dial. If you are in the UK or Europe 44-20-3608-8078 is the number to dial. And if you are in Australia or that part of the world 61-3-8820-5459 is the number to call.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello DAB family this is Michael from Fort Worth Texas. I just wanted to call in today basically to encourage and be thankful. And I’m thankful for Brian Hardin and this whole DAB family community all the people behind the scenes that work hard to put this on and I am thankful for all those people and China for her…her effort on the Chronological side and all the people that do the different languages and all that stuff going on. This whole app is an awesome thing and I’m just thankful for that. And I would encourage anybody who doesn’t contribute to challenge themselves to give monthly to the DAB to keep the servers spinning, to keep the updates coming and keep this great ministry viable from now on, from today to the future for…for everybody and for anybody new that would come on board. Also just wanted to say thank you for all the faithful prayer warriors who call in diligently daily and all the new ones we got now are very awesome and appreciate all you guys your encouragement your words of wisdom that you share with us your songs love all that stuff and just thankful for all you guys. Stay safe. Love you all. Again, Michael from Texas. Stay safe. Love you.

Hello Daily Audio Bible family. First of all, I want to say thank you very much. This is Jane Roos from Nebraska. I…I want to say that when Brian says, “don’t shoulder your problems alone”, believe him. This is a praise report. From the moment that you speak out your prayer request to the moment that you realize that God is holding you and this fellowship is praying for you, it is phenomenal what God is doing because I have experienced an amazing, amazing transformation in so many ways. And, so, let me just say thank you. I can’t even go into everything that has happened in detail and I won’t. First of all, let me say you are all loved. How does my daddy love me? With all his heart no matter what I do forever and always. I borrowed that from a pastor. I have been experiencing ADHD in a big way. My conscious mind always processes…only processes 40 bits per second but my subconscious processes 40 million bits per second. It’s scary. My mouth won’t say what my head wants…my head needs to say. I just want you all to know that you are loved.

Hi family I’m calling in today to pray for Brian from Austria, his first time calling today on October 29th he called in for prayers and support. Brian I’m so thankful that you called in and you shared your heart with us about your wife being unfaithful. And you are so right. You can’t do this alone. Many of us have been where you are in some form of betrayal in our marriage one way or another and I just want to encourage you. I want you to know I’m going to be praying for you and your wife for a long time. As many of us have experienced healing in our marriages, we know that it’s possible for you. So, Father, Holy Spirit we just lift up Brian and his wife to You. We thank You that we all come to the foot of the cross, needing forgiveness restoration healing, places in our lives that have been broken. And sometimes that causes us to not be faithful in areas of our lives or our marriage. So, Father I thank You for complete healing for Brian and his wife. I thank You for restoration, healing, intimacy. I thank You that You would encourage Brian to pursue his wife as they were first dating and coming together that You would pour out Your love and Your love is there. I know…I know it’s already there…

Hello DABbers. Just reaching out to say hello and follow up with another thanks. I’m just thankful for all of you, thankful that Kingdom Seeker Daniel has a great idea for the month of November and that’s for everyone just to call in thanks. I mean I could go on and on and it’s just crazy but, you know, we have so much to be thankful for every day no matter what’s going on, like just whose we are, God, all that He’s done. We could just go on and on about all He’s done. And then, all that He’s doing and then all that He will do. It’s just…to focus our mind on those things and just praise Him, I want to do that. I love living that way, but I want to do that with all of you. So, it’s just an encouragement and to let you know that I’m thankful for you every day. I don’t call in to say it but I am. So, thank You Jesus. Thank You, Lord for all that You are and all that You give. You just give so much. We are so blessed and may we just focus on that every day, but especially next month maybe inspire us Holy Spirit to just do that together. That would be really cool. Love You all. Bye.

[rubberduckyrye]

Sorry that it took me a while to get to these; I’ve been very low energy and am still low energy so apologies for that!

As for Marie, her real name is Olivia (her stage name is Marie Annette) and yes, it’s a pun, because she is the Ultimate Marionettist. You can ask more about her @aroseandapen since she is L’s muse.

However, Marie’s plot wasn’t created so she could run away from the consequences of her actions--in actuality, they’re much more sinister. You see, the basic idea we have right now is that a certain someone knew about the chapter 3 blackened before they murdered the second victim, but was being blackmailed into silence--because they had a secret they would rather die for than let get loose. However, this lead to Marie’s friend/lover/family/whatever idk we haven’t decided that part yet, get killed as the second victim. After learning about that person’s involvement, Marie gets furious and blames them, but everyone pretty much forgives them once they understand. All but Jaden, who while he does understand their motives, also understands that Marie is still hurt by them and it did cause the death of someone else, and at least had mixed feelings about it and made the mistake of expressing this to Marie.

That was a huge mistake, because Marie then decided that everyone but Jaden should live, and then she was presented with the opportunity to force Jaden into a blackened role. She then makes sure he couldn’t communicate the fact that he was he blackened (as he tried to leave evidence in the form of his glasses at the crime scene, but Marie figured him out quickly and ordered him not to be sneaky about it and not let anyone know) and yeah. Marie basically made Jaden into a blackened not to escape from punishment, but to punish everyone (including herself) and let Jaden go free.

This, of course, backfires, but that’s probably why Marie had Jaden kill that specific classmate. Because at least that person would be dead if her plan failed.

The worst part is that Marie is a pretty good person before this, too, which makes the betrayal so much more impactful.

I can give you a little backstory on Adrian, Jaden, and Irene if you like! I have those written out, so;

Adrian Blanc, the Ultimate Dilettante;

Adrian’s life was pretty mundane and average. They grew up in the middle class, had a normal life with their normal family and normal friends. There was nothing extra ordinary about them, nothing to report. The only thing that caught anyone’s attention, in fact, was how intelligent and sharp Adrian was.

Adrian has the Ultimate Analysis ability, and with their ADHD, tend to hyperfixate on different subjects of all kinds (I.E. Art, music, writing, math, science, mechanics, you name it)  but before they could master any skill, Adrian would always give up, claiming that they had grown too bored of the trade to continue. Adrian became known in their little town as “the renaissance child” or “the jack of all trades,” and would often take on small jobs and favors from neighbors to complete a mundane task. However, they were never talented enough to get a stable job from professionals of the craft, being told that their mediocre skills weren’t enough to qualify for anything.

One day, Adrian’s popularity in their hometown got out to the bigger name cities, and they were asked to star on a talk show and display their many mediocre talents.

Impressed by their wide array of skills, the American Ultimate Initiative contacted Adrian to ask them if they wanted to attend the American Hope’s Peak Academy as “The Ultimate Dilettante.” Hesitantly, Adrian agreed, though is uncomfortable with their title.

Adrian is insecure over their lack of mastering any single talent, and feels as if their “Ultimate Title” can feel like someone was mocking them for it. After all, in the modern professional world, a “Jack of all trades” was pretty useless.

Jaden Holland, the Ultimate Digital Artist;

The Holland family is a black, progressive family that consists of Jaden’s mother (Agatha), Jaden’s elder sister (Jayleen), Jaden’s elder brother (Glenn) and Jaden himself, and a small dog named Juniper. (You can ask L more about Jayleen and Glenn)

Jaden’s father left their family when Jaden was just born, so his mother and his elder sister were the ones who mostly raised Glenn and Jaden. With Agatha working in the police force and their overall family ideals being liberal, Jaden grew up more socially aware and expressive early on. However, when he was a young child, Jaden was attacked by a large mixed breed stray dog, which left grotesque scars on his neck and unable to use his vocal chords. Ever since, he has been wearing high-collared shirts and turtle necks to hide them, embarrassed and ashamed of the scars. He also found that whispering could be painful at times, so he and his family learned sign language.

Aside from that traumatic event, Jaden lived a relatively calm life, and he took interest in digital art soon after the attack. He begged his mother for a pen tablet, and kick started his talent in the digital arts. Jaden has posted over one-thousand pieces of art under the user “Silenced-Arts.” He became quite a popular artist over time, and soon, he was written about in newspapers and online articles as “the boy who can paint a photo,” which was a reference to Jaden’s typical art style being hyper-realistic paintings of surreal scenes that people often would often mistake as photos or edited photos. This caused a bit of controversy until Jaden learned how to use Hypercam and other screen-recording software, and posted various drawing videos that immediately made him an even more popular artist on youtube and all over the web.

Jaden expanded his skills to different forms of digital art, such as 3D modeling and 2D/3D animation. However, he is most comfortable and skilled with painting and drawing.

His skills and talent grew until finally, just before his second year of high school, Jaden was scouted by the American Hopes Peak Academy as the Ultimate Digital Artist for a student film that was all animated but was 100% painted and hyper realistic.

Jaden has a special pair of gloves made by “A friend of a friend” (hint: It Miu) that has special sensors that can translate his signing to American English, and has a speaker that projects a voice resting in his breast pocket. This idea is loosely based off of this amazing keyboard “glove” where each unique hand gesture represents a unique letter. It relies on the same principle, except using ASL gestures and a blue tooth “text to speech” speaker. The speaker sounds as fluid and human as K1-B0’s voice, and the gloves have sensors to change the “tone” of his voice and mimic the emotion he wants to convey. (Jaden has the bonus of being able to manually select an emotion with gestures that are unique but do not mean anything in ASL, such as double tapping your thumb and index finger together... well unless that is a thing in sign language, I’m not sure.)

Jaden’s older brother, Glenn, is a member of D.I.C.E. as a fire dancer.

Irene Foster, the Ultimate Street Fighter;

Irene was a runaway orphan, originally born into a wealthy family. Her parents were always busy with work, so Irene was typically left to her own devices or kept busy with random lessons that varied from piano lessons to fencing. However, her parents were assassinated due to her father’s business company making enemies in the wrong places. The assassin didn’t kill Irene, only because of the guilt that he pretty much just made this girl into an orphan. (He wasn’t very good at being an assassin.)

Irene then ran away from Britain to New York City by stowing away on an airplane, and ran away from foster homes that took her in until she started getting into fights. Eventually, underground criminal rings for street fighting took an interest in her, and this earned her access to an underground street fighting ring. She was a natural fighter (though often feeling like she was fighting for her very life) and quickly earned a living off of her matches.

Eventually, she came across a house just outside of the city that had caught on fire. Among the flames was a little girl named Erin Rider, holding a teddy bear in one hand and a lighter in the other. After a little prying, Irene learned that Erin was a victim of constant abuse from her parents, and she thought she could burn the house down and run away. Erin is unaware that she killed her parents in the house fire and assumes they thought she died and never looked for her. Irene never had the heart to tell Erin that she killed her own parents, and instead, decided to take care of the little girl as her own sister. She decided it would be a secret she took with her to her grave.

With another mouth to feed, however, Irene had to take on more challenges to earn money enough for both her and Erin to eat, and eventually, Irene became known in the underground ring as “The Girl of Iron.” This caught the attention of the American Ultimate Initiative, and Irene earned her title as the “Ultimate Street Fighter.”

Now just for you, I’ll go ahead and type out Leah’s back story to the best of my ability because why not:

Leah Welsh, the Ultimate Hunter/Huntress;

Leah was disowned by her parents at the age of 13, once she finally confessed to them that their son, Orlando, didn’t exist anymore and wanted to be a girl named Leah. The transphobic backlash from her parents came as a genuine, horrifying shock to Leah, and she immediately ran away to her grandfather Orrin’s house to explain what happened. Being a far more open minded man and far more liberal, he disowned his own child and took Leah in as his own, and decided to move from Ireland to the United States to further distance them from the horrible people that were Leah’s parents.

Orrin was a skilled hunter, and not being able to leave a young Leah by herself, he decided to take her with him. Leah took an interest in hunting, and Orrin started teaching her--and much to his surprise, Leah took the lessons extremely well, and within just a few years, was a master hunter that surpassed even his own skills. They even traveled to Australia and Africa for some legal hunting.

However, Orrin was old, and he eventually passed away from old age when Leah was sixteen. Saddened but not discouraged, Leah started hunting game to make a profit as a survival tactic.

Eventually, Leah was called by a secret service of the government and taken into custody to be given an offer. A huge sum of money for using her hunting skills for an assassination--a very corrupt man who dealt with human trafficking, terrorism, and other criminal activities that made him too dangerous. However, every previous assassination attempt lead to failure due to the men and woman being official government figures and there being a rat in the government. They needed someone who could pull off the assassination who was unsuspecting and didn’t have a face int he underground criminal ring. Leah hesitantly accepted the offer.

She was sent to Australia for her target, since he was on a vacation there with his family. It was a very simple job, in actuality, and she used a sniper rifle in the wilderness to kill her target when he was having a picnic break with his family after stalking him for several nights. Unfortunately, Leah may have mentally prepared for his death and telling herself he deserved it for being such a monster, but she didn’t mentally prepare herself for the family’s reaction to his assassination. Leah went home that very same night with the screams still ringing in her ears.

A few months later, Leah learned that the wife of the corrupted man had killed her two children and then herself. As much as Leah tried, she couldn’t get the incident out of her head, and she decided to hunt some deer to distract herself from it, only to shoot a deer and it’s cry immediately triggering her. Immediately after the incident with the deer, Leah realized all at once that she was ending lives, killing creatures with families and futures that she stole away, and in her grief and trauma, Leah became completely vegan and vouched to never hunt again, nor kill any living, breathing creature.

A month later, Leah received an invitation from the American Hope’s Peak to be “The Ultimate Hunter”. With no job or any way to make money, Leah had no choice but to accept, but the title was more like a huge slap in the face than an honor to have.

[shieldandword]

NAME OF YOUR MUSE: Imry Ceigwardwyn ONE PICTURE YOU LIKE BEST OF YOUR MUSE’S FC: TWO HEADCANONS YOU HAVE FOR YOUR MUSE: THREE THINGS THAT YOUR MUSE LIKES DOING IN THEIR FREE TIME: -Eating. Imry loves food and trying new food, and wherever she goes she loves to sample the local cuisine. She's known for loading up on street food or other goodies and distributing it to her travelling companions just as part of her routine. When visiting her sister, she'll always bring her a lunch, knowing Raiya gets wrapped up in her work and forgets to eat. Suffice to say, if Imry is giving you food it means she's fond of you. She's not much of a culinarian herself (too liable to burn things by accident) but can make some simple dishes. Honestly, this habit is probably how she won Akiv'a over to begin with. -Training. Imry has a lot of energy and has a hard time sitting still. As a child, she explored every inch of her parents' ship and was usually found clambering up the rigging whether she was supposed to be up there or not. Now that she's older she channels it into a morning fitness routine. -knots. She grew up on a ship and knows all sorts of sailors' knots and things, and will make bracelets and the like out of string and give them as gifts. SEVEN PEOPLE THAT YOUR MUSE LOVES/LIKES: Akiv'a Ryaol- her best friend and closest companion for several years. They met when Imry was a fledgling adventurer who had gotten in over her head with a pack of monsters, and he stepped in to help her. She annoyed the heck out of him at first but somehow grew on him, and now they fight side by side so in sync that it's often commented on. (They're not infrequently mistaken for a couple despite both being gay.) The two of them are as different as night and day but absolutely devoted to one another. Tohnrune Rokren- a dashing sky pirate captain who preys on slavers and other lawless brigands that target the weak and helpless. Imry met her during the whole Void Ark saga and the two of them hit it off and stayed in touch after that. Tohn visits old friends in Ishgard often, and it was during one such visit she learned about Imry's feelings for her. Though their paths often take them apart from each other for periods of time, their relationship seems to be holding up fairly well. Raiya Ceigwardwyn- Imry's older sister by four years. Though she can seem rather awkward and unfriendly, she's simply not very skilled with social graces and prefers the company of like-minded people. (i.e. people she can talk magitek with) Though she and Imry are very different and had rough spots in the past, she's very fond of her excitable younger sister--and quite protective of her. (By our modern standards, Imry is definitely hyperactive-ADHD and Raiya is autistic and probably inattentive-ADHD. Suffice to say having a loud and boisterous younger sibling when you have sensory overload leads to some issues.) Yulili Yuli- a girl a year younger than Imry. They met one year at the Moonfire Faire & she decided to run off with Imry and Akiv'a to become an adventurer, which had always been her dream. She doesn't have much natural talent for magic but makes up for it with sheer determination. She and Imry dated briefly (about 3 months) before Yulili decided she wanted someone who was a bit more attentive. (Read: not married to their job) They've remained good friends, however. N'valyh Tia- a mercenary who once took a job that put Imry and Akiv'a in danger. He's since managed to redeem himself by saving Akiv'a's life and decided to stick around. Val is like an older brother to her & she likes listening to him tell wild stories. He challenged her to a drinking contest once and lost. (Its very, very difficult to get her drunk due to her size) For his part he tries to look out for her because he knows all too well that people will take advantage of her trusting nature. (As he did himself...) He taught her some hand-to-hand techniques so she could still fight if disarmed. Delphinius lux Catullus- a young prodigy who wanted to become a doctor and instead ended up in over his head among the horrific Imperial Science Division. He was sent on a trip to the facility at Castrum Abania which unfortunately coincided with the Alliance pushback into Ala Mhigo, and was captured as a prisoner of war. Imry met him when going to speak with a group of prisoners in order to assuage their fears of execution, and noticed him trying to treat an injured man with no supplies. Imry had an Echo vision of him trying to sneak food to a battered test subject and being tormented by his peers for it. Recognizing the test subject as someone she knew (Cota) she went to him to have him vouch for Delphinius' character, and he was given some limited freedom (with supervision) to lend his expertise to treating the wounded, friend and enemy alike. Imry intimidates the hell out of him, having grown up on various horror stories about the residents of Eorzea, but he's beginning to warm up to her. For her part Imry has already decided he's friend-shaped, which is a thing she does. She thinks his commitment to medical ethics is very admirable. -Ketenbraena is literally Imry's other half. Created from her negative emotions--loneliness, grief, fear--they knew nothing else for the first few months of their existence. Keten mistakenly sought to protect Imry from harm by taking control of her body for a time, but when her friends demanded her return, they attempted to bury themselves in her subconscious to escape what they saw as a failure to live up to their only purpose. Distressed by this turn of events, Imry used the power of her Crystal of Light to give Keten a corporeal form at great cost to her own aether. Keten saw this as a betrayal and a rejection, and they resented her for a long time. Eventually they began to form their own bonds with others and come into their own as an individual, and reconciled with her. Even when they weren't really on speaking terms, Keten was fiercely protective of Imry to an almost frightening degree. They've mellowed out quite a bit at least, and the two seem more like close siblings now. -(NPC bonus round: she sees Thancred as a sort of older brother, and for his part he is fond of her but worries a bit about her extreme naivete. -Y'shtola intimidates her a bit. Y'shtola thinks she's a bit too much like Lyse and one Lyse is enough. Probably exasperated fondness. -Lyse and Imry get along like...well. they're kind of a force of nature together. -Imry thinks Alphinaud is great now that he makes an effort not to use big words she can't understand all the time. Alphinaud probably had a puppy crush on her at some point but gave up when he realized she's definitely only into girls. He's sort of protective of her over the fact that people assume she's stupid and will take time to explain things in a way she can understand. -Imry thinks Alisaie is great and the feeling seems to be mutual. -Haurchefant. She adores him. (Not romantically, unfortunately for him, but.) Finally someone as excited about things as she is. -she has a big fuckin crush on Yugiri (like she does on literally every girl she meets, hopeless) and thinks she is the coolest TWO THINGS YOUR MUSE REGRETS: Imry is not really the regretting type for the most part. She's very in the present. However, the things she dwells on tend to be the times she's failed to live up to her responsibility as a protector for her friends. (Something Keten definitely inherited from her) (In terms of MSQ, the end of ARR and the Vault are Big Ones. But that's not especially unique.) More recently, she had a compounded misunderstanding with Akiv'a that turned into a fight. They made up, but she wishes she'd tried harder to understand him rather than take their friendship for granted. A PHOBIA YOUR MUSE HAS: Yarzons. Spiders in general, she's leery about banemites but she thinks yarzons are the worst. If you ask she'll probably mumble something about their legs while gesturing wildly.

[chronicallyspokenfor]

What do I feel?

Tired

Listeless

Weightless & Heavy @ the same time

Hopeless

Restless

Lack of energy

Surplus of doubt

Fear of the future

Fear of what those around me thinks of me

Fear that my abuser was right about me from the beginning

Fear of lack of worth

Fear that I am in fact lazy & not a hard worker

I feel as though this feeling of never knowing how to function properly in this world or my place in it… this feeling will never go away

That people don’t like me or enjoy having me around

I constantly feel the fear of talking too much

That I’m never going to make anything of myself

That, that high quality content needed from me, will never be produced thus meaning my value will never be what I want it to be. I will always be worthless.

I feel like theres a deep brokenness inside of me, something that only someone immensely close to you could inflict. For only they lay so deep within your heart to puncture it so painfully. Others have tried but they simply don’t matter as much so it doesn’t ache the way they wish it would.

I feel as though there is a deep sense of betrayal and misplaced trust that has become confusingly laced with familial love and familiarity.

This sense of familiarity almost seems to make the abuse and degradation seem normal. I think that I have fooled myself over the years into thinking that I am strong enough to take verbal and emotional abuse.

That since others told me from a young age, “wow you had to deal with so much growing up and yet you're so normal” that this meant that no matter what was said to me I could deal with it. I could internalize and it wouldn’t affect me the way it does others.

Im starting to think that this was a wrong approach. I think that because I allowed this abuse to continue and become normal it allowed my abuser to increase the dosage that I received on a weekly basis. I think my abuser thinks I can take this sort of emotional torment.

Now when my self esteem fails me, and my confidence leaves me crying on the dusty floor inside my heart, I recognize that over the years by internalizing these words, by internalizing this pain it was slowly tearing me apart. Inside out. But it did it in such a slow way that I didn’t even notice I was bleeding out. And yet here I am, years later. Still enduring and wondering what is the point of living.

There are those who tell me I’m not depressed

That I don’t seem depressed.

So I must not be.

But my momentum has been lost.

The thing that kept me going despite all troubles, my inner drive is gone.

I don’t know where its gone, to be honest I’m not even quite sure where I got it from in the first place.

But I find myself wondering when is God going to decide enough is enough and get me out of this situation.

I know what 1 corinthians 10:13 says, he doesn’t give me more than I can bear and on top of it he always provides the way out.

I don’t know why he thinks I can bear this… why do you think I can bear this God? I’m pretty sure I can’t. I really feel I cant.

The heart is treacherous. These feelings are treacherous. What my abuser does to me.. thats treacherous.

I think my ADHD is what gives me my spurs of energy to make it seem as though everything is alright but I find myself losing that feeling of inner peace quickly. With the same rate of velocity I fall down the well of my emotions and find myself cold, wet and alone in the vices of my mind.

I long for love but I doubt that anyone has the energy to deal with me when I’m in such an emotional state.

I know I need to grow. I can feel the need, the desire I have to stop using the word “I” and yet here I am.

Forever broken or so it seems.