#he let me but it just made him upset. But why? I chose to unfollow. He felt better after that. Why worry?

[fish-and-forbear]

I think I am doing okay, here.

I wish so many things could have been different. My heart aches for it. But I wouldn't have found my voice, otherwise, nor would I have met so many wonderful people and creatures.

I wish the other one would worry less. It's very silly to realize he thought I was the panicked one... now I've organized my mind and honed my edge, and he's the one who keeps feeling down...

I don't entirely understand why... life is very good. Everyone is getting a little better. It aches because I can feel it like a physical creature clawing in the skull, and whispering all of the misery in this world, the atrocities, the tragedies, the possibilities of so many things ending, or of getting hurt or worse for who he is. And being afraid for the people he cares about...

But that doesn't help us sleep right now. It doesn't change that tomorrow morning the sun will rise and we don't have work and we could do anything, within reason of course.

I'm not sure. Maybe I am the stupid one for being so positive. But one of us has to be, now.

Maybe it's just my instincts waking up again. It's so easy to throw my aching heart and memories away when someone I care about needs me. And right now, once more, we just need to rest.

Nothing bad is even happening! We had a nice day. We talked to friends, we played a game and lost track of time because it was so much fun. I liked that game and the name is appropriate, Loop Hero. Ironic but fitting! We helped a friend feel better after a nightmare. And now it's OUR turn to rest.

Nothing is wrong. Everything is alright. Many big steps forward this coming week. I feel his worry creeping into my heart too, but there's no need for it. We were brave and confident before, we can be that way again. :)

- Grist

[angelsunoo]

Can we get riki x reader argument with happy ending pls we love angst guys 😍

HI ANONNNNNN im currently on a break (or we could say inactive lolol) rn, but i could push this in!!!! I love angst too btw MY BIAS YALLLLL

+ school just started again sooo ive been really busy

ARGUMENT / n.rk.

PAIRINGS bf!riki x reader

GENRE requested, angst, fluff YUHHH

ABOUT you had an argument with your boyfriend.

WARNING swearing, argument. Reader is a bit possessive. All of these are a work of fiction. Ignore the cringe ass usernames in Twitter 😰

It was 7:30 pm. You were up scrolling thru twitter, frowning at every post that bitch made. Why the hell is she acting like Riki is her boyfriend?

You had a scowl on your face. 'Why are u so cute'.

They went on an arcade together. You audibly scoff. He declined your offer to go out with him just to be with that?

Honestly. That's ridiculous. Maybe I should unfollow her. She doesn't deserve my follow.

While you were thinking about ways to murder her, you were unaware that someone just arrived home.

"Hey, Y/N. " you jolt, nearly throwing your phone in the air.

"What the fuck.. " you curse out, placing your hand on your heaving chest. "Don't you know how to knock?" Your eyes widen. You didn't expect to sound so harsh.

"Oh, sorry if I surprised you." He rubs the nape of his neck. Your frown deepens. That's all he has to say? Ugh.

"You went to the arcade with Lei?" You crossed your arms, still with frown displaying your face.

He doesn't answer for a while, he was pulling out the tickets he earned from playing. He got a cute plushie too.

"Uh . Yeah." He casually says, still not giving you eye contact.

"Riki, look at me."

He looks at you with a confused look. "Why do you sound mad? Did I do something wrong?"

"Yeah. You did." You roll your eyes. Wow, does he really not see what's going on?

"What did I do?" He approaches you. He places his hands on your arms. In attempt to soothe you.

You backed away, causing him to let go of you, while your arms remained crossed. "You chose her over me."

"What do you mean?" He asks, with confusion. "Are you jealous I went out with her?" He shoots you a playfull grin, that was quickly removed by your hard glare.

"I'm not joking, riki." You cross your arms. Can't he read the room. You were genuinely upset, and it made you more upset that he failed to notice it. He doesn't respond, and stashed his tickets in a drawer.

"Hello???" You call out, peeking over to what he's doing. "Stop ignoring me asshole."

"What? I'm the asshole?" He glared back at you. Your eyes widen.

"Oh! So you're the one who's mad now." Your tone was a bit higher and harsh. He turns to you, mimicking your actions from earlier, crossing his arms.

"Literally, give me a break Y/N." He says, "She's just a friend. Why do you worry so much?"

"Excuse me? I'm no way near 'worried'." You retort, making air quotation marks with your fingers. "I'm just upset you declined my offer to go out!"

"Oh, then fucking swallow your pride and accept the fact I said no to you! You can't stand it it when someone refuses you, can you? You're being all bitchy to me this late at night." He raises his voice, his tone now also becoming harsher. "She's just a friend. Please don't make me say it again.." He walks away angrily. Leaving you in shock. You didn't mean it that way.

You're just....

"Riki! Come back here!" You shout. He doesn't reply and slams the door behind him. You feel water start to form around your eyes. You never seen him this furious to you.

Now you worry how you're going to sleep at night without his warmth radiating beside you on your bed.

You could barely sleep at night. Why?

Well...

1. You couldn't sleep without him

2. You feel guilty for being a total bitch last night.

3. You are worried of where he might have gone. Did he go to his friend's place? Where did he sleep?

4. Your worried on how your going to talk to him the next day.

This is bad.

Maybe I should text him?

You open your phone, a bit hesitant to text him. You were really ashamed of what you did last night.

Maybe I should just talk to him in school.

You arrived in school, nervously tapping your foot on the smooth marble floor.

Your eyes searched for him.

"Oh riki..." you whisper, your tone being impatient.

After a few minutes of waiting, you finally spotted him, walking with his older friend, Jungwon.

You suddenly feel shy to approach him, the image of his angry face still stuck in your mind made you feel so guilty and ashamed.

You realized your mistake. You shouldn't have been too dramatic yesterday. Riki can hangout with anyone he likes.

But to admit, his words kind of hit you too.

You gave up the idea of talking to him. You feel to ashamed to face him.

Riki on the other hand, is dying to see you again. He misses your embrace and your kisses.

He felt really bad for what he said and he wanted to apologize. He saw you earlier, you looked somewhat nervous? He was going to approach you but you just suddenly left. He thought you didn't want to see his face.

"Yo Riki!" He turns to see who called him, it was jake.

"Oh hey hyung." He said. Jake raises his brow, a bit confused with riki's unusual attitude.

"Hey, what happened?" Jake asked, caressing riki's back slowly.

"I.. I had a fight with Y/N. I said really mean things to her and now I don't think she wants to talk to me," riki says so nonchalantly, but in actuality, he wanted to scream and cry right on the spot.

"Well, you should talk to her," jake says, and riki rolls his eyes.

"Are you serious? I literally told you she didn't wanna talk to me."

"Nuh-uh! You said 'I think'. So means you're not sure if she wants to talk to you or not."

"It's just that... It could've gone a different way. Maybe If i didn't scream at her then maybe she wouldn't be mad at me?" He says unsurely, not knowing what to do. He misses you so much and just wished he was hugging you right now.

It was lunchtime, you said to your friend that you can eat alone. You placed your food tray with a heavy heart.

Sigh.

"Gosh, this day can't get any worse." You mumble, feeling no apetite to eat your food.

While you were busy playing with your food, you didn't know that someone sat infront of you.

"Hey, y/n. " you removed your gaze from your food to look who just sat infront you.

"O-oh! Riki..what you doing here?" You say trying to act casual, but he was able to see right through you.

"Why? Can't I sit with my girlfriend?" He playfully smirks at you, once he saw your red and flustered face.

God, y/n. Why are blushing at that?

"You've been playing with your food," he points out, "why don't I feed you, hm?"

You knew by his tone that he was teasing, and decided to play along.

Finally, he's yours again— I mean-! He has always been.

..

The end

[fablekitty]

Hey, I know I am the last person you wanna talk to rn, but my life is in genuine danger (still) because all I wanted was for a apology for the misconception.

I honestly meant no harm at all, and https://www.tumblr.com/lunarsilly/725681668334256128/all-i-wanted-was-for-fable-alologize-for-the

If you read this it will make a lot more sense.

I’m low empathetic and it takes a while for me to feel epmathy, and I think it’s hitting me like a bus

I never meant for you to be harassed anything (as I said in my OG callout posts) and I have not ONCE put your life in danger.

However, Davis has put mine in danger cuz he took some things I said in the wrong manner and it has caused me to get harassed to the point where I have to deactivate most of my accounts.

No, this isn’t ‘karma’ at all because I didn’t even want anything bad to happen to you and I didn’t mean to be malicious, all I wanted was for people to be aware that you could have possibly done this stuff, and benne like

“Hey, I have a choice if I wanna continue supporting them.” And unfollow if they please.

I have not once tried to put you or anyone else in danger, all I was doing was being like “hey, this can be seen as sams since you tagged it as such.”

Also to call you out for your ableism towards your own community.

That whole ‘no TSBS fictives and no factives’ rule is not only ableist, but it further Demonizes DID by saying that alters are their source when they aren’t,

People had a choice to support you, and I hadn’t meant for it to become this huge thing because a mess up in my wording )which I mostly wrote them at 1-5am, mind you. There’s going to be some mistakes since I was obviously running on 2-4 hours of sleep, and I always apologized if I said anything wrong in Davis’s DMs)

I get why you’re upset but this whole thing has gotten me death threats and it has also put not only me, but my family at risk.

Anyways that’s pretty much it, dm me on this app if you wanna respond.

This whole situation began because instead of trying to talk things over with me, you instead chose to cast a stone at me publicly. I’m not unreasonable. I would gladly have clarified anything you were concerned about, whether it be the claims of ableism or concerns about Lulu’s design. Instead, you publicly accused me of being a pedophile, not once, but twice. Which. I won’t lie; is a VERY harsh accusation that shouldn’t have ever been tossed out on a whim. The first was in a comment thread on one of Davis' posts, the other was a public callout post. You cannot downplay it by saying you just wanted to 'spread awareness' and 'let people choose to support me.' All I wanted to do was be left alone, and you wouldn't have it. 

You took my art and made fun of it, called me names, called my partner’s alter names, and tried to make connections to an accusation that wasn’t there to begin with. I have co-workers that follow my SFW account on Twitter. I could have lost my actual job over this. You losing your Twitter account is not comparative to my entire livelihood. You can say you never wanted me to be harassed, but you slandered and insulted me all over Twitter and Tiktok during the entire duration in which this all played out, not to mention all of the posts and videos about me being ableist and treating me like some sort of class traitor.

I only spoke out about it when I was at the end of my rope, which you also mocked and slandered, and thus the harassment continued.

Davis reached out to me about it because after doing his own research, he saw it as unfair that I was being falsely accused of something that could literally ruin my life and career and put my safety in danger.

I didn't ask him to post it, and I certainly wouldn't have asked him to take so much time out of his busy schedule to research and write that entire google doc. All of the accounts he posted there are public socials, all of which have the Lunarsilly moniker attached to them somehow. He's never really talked to me much if at all outside of this situation.

As for the comments made towards people who were clearly against you, entirely unnecessary. If you wanted people to stop and leave you alone then you should have never responded. This stirs the pot and makes more trouble, it also makes you look bad.

I can't convince people to stop attacking you, despite telling them not to come after you in my last tweet about this situation. I can't order Davis to remove your socials from the google doc. All we can simply do is drop the subject and move on.

None of this would have happened if you just came to me first instead of airing out dirty laundry into public places where you were fully aware I was in. Next time you think you've been wronged in some way, instead of acting out, take a step back and breathe. Walk away from the computer/phone and clear your head so you can think straight. That is my absolute best advice to you.

I understand that you're only 15 and probably have some stuff going on at home, and the last thing I want is for anyone to get hurt. Death threats and doxxing are wrong in general, let alone to a teenager, and if you're reading this and have done either of those things to Lunarsilly, I am incredibly ashamed of you.

As for the damage? My alter is traumatized by the claims you've made. My early design of Lunar was never canon. His design belongs to me and I can use it however I please. He is not canon show Lunar.

Speaking of Alters, I want to address the ableism thing.

Once again, all this stress could have been avoided if you’d have just come to me privately on Discord when this was first addressed. I asked you politely to please keep alters of real people from the show avoidant of fronting in the TSBS server. I asked this of you with the knowledge of what was written in the moderator handbook that each moderator must read and follow in TSBS, and had no idea it wasn’t written in the public rules. I will admit fault for not checking that. It was never my intention to come off as ableist towards you nor anyone else.

We didn’t just come up with rules on a whim. We put rules in place to try and keep everyone in the server safe and comfortable, systems and otherwise. Ultimately, the bottom line was that some of the voice actors from the show found discomfort in seeing alters of themselves and their characters in the server, and the business that owns the whole shebang also agreed, and their word is final.

I entirely understand the frustration behind having alters from the show. I have a few of them myself and so does my partner. Yes, they are not their source. But that doesn't prevent the original creators, or actual person from being uncomfortable, much like some alters are uncomfortable with doubles. Everyone's system is different. Mine isn't large. It's not small either, but my alters all do have one thing, a mutual agreement to work together and harmony. If that's something you can't control, then I'd recommend staying out of larger servers such as TSBS.

I was also never obligated to tell you that I'm a system. I don’t exactly go out of my way to make sure every individual who interacts with me is aware of this information about myself. However, if you ever took a moment to look in my discord profile, you would have known. The first line that is on my profile on Discord is “Marshmallow System-DID” and it’s been there this entire time.

All I want is to be left alone. I want this all to finally be dropped so we can move on with our lives. I’m old and tired and simply do not have the time or energy to keep putting towards this situation. Just please, move on and leave me be.

[golbrocklovely]

I hope that K and M friendship didn’t end just because M wanted to be with Colby. Call me crazy, but they have been childhood friends and as much as we all love Colby, he is not worth ruining something that lasted that long ( and if did, then i think it’s clear that the friendship was strong and real). Actually no men is worth ruining your friendships, no matter how hot he is. Of course we do not know what exactly happened, but i have weird feeling that it might in a way involve both s and c. Cause since k and S had that weird break up, we didn’t see girls with each other. K clearly distancing herself and M staying with snc. And it shouldn’t matter, cause s and k past relationships that probably led to snc disliking k, shouldn’t influence M and K friendship. M can be still be with C and friends with K. I just hope that the girls are won’t regret that decision, cause i have a feeling that c and m won’t be “forever”, although it would be super lovely if they would (sometimes people have that feelings of smth yk… well, that’s mine). Even if i found some of their behaviors weird (well mostly K), i wish they could resolve things and just continue to be friends. You can have twi things at once in this case, you are adults ffs. We ain’t in middle school:

friendships ending are never over just one singular thing. it's always because of multiple things, so even if for argument's sake katelyn and malia aren't friends bc malia "chose" colby/snc over her, that wasn't the soul reason for their friendship falling apart.

obviously, i don't think we will ever truly know what went down or why things ended they way they did. but i do have a bit of a guess

all of this is just my speculation and not based on any real facts so take my opinion with a grain of salt. i'm not saying i'm right, just saying this is what i think.

so, from what i've been able to somewhat gather, the girls and the boys were all seen together last on or around july 4th. that's when malia and katelyn posted that one tiktok in the all white fits. they were all on a date somewhere. even sam posted a thing on his story hanging out with her at their new house. however, by july 17th-ish, katelyn posted on her tiktok story that things in her life had become very weird and muddy and she was confused on what was happening and so she was gonna go see pythian priestess to get a reading.

snc around that time were out filming hell week at farrar school.

my guess is this: things were fine for the first half of july but then suddenly before their trip, sam dumped her for whatever reason. and then immediately left to go film hell week. and as much as i love sam, he's a dick bc this is now the second time he's done something like this (literally did the same shit to kat as well, where they broke up and then he left to go film content in or around the same time as the break up). sam ignores her grieving and confusion, and so she's left trying to figure out what the hell happened.

not even a month rolls by and you got him seen out with a new girl, where he goes to venice beach and watches the sunset with her. now, is it possible this girl was a friend only just helping out a bro with a weird fear he's always had? sure. but i don't think katelyn saw it that way, and neither did really anyone in the fandom.

and it's made worse when said girl posts pics of this thing on insta the next day, liking comments talking about sam and whatnot. and literally the day before this happened, katelyn and sam unfollowed each other on insta. so the timing is just all very messy. i think that made katelyn upset, and so that's when she posts that pic of sam kissing her with the caption "felt cute might delete later". that whole drama happens, but bc sam is a bit of a petty betty, he let's the fans go buckwild on her bc in his eyes she made him "look bad"/embarrassed him.

but i still personally believe he went far beyond whatever weird ass behavior she pulled bc he literally liked a post shitting on her even tho in his comment he wished her well and then tried to make it seem like they had been broken up for a while when "a while" apparently only meant a fucking month AT MOST. and then on top of that, him liking that post shitting on her gave his fans the green flag to hate on her more than they had been for the entirety of their relationship.

and i think her doing this, that post and then little other things she did (like reposting a clip of them hanging out together but with him not in the vid, making the post her icon at one point, and a couple other things i just don't remember at this point) made malia keep her distance from her for a while. but i think that upset katelyn more bc… you're supposed to be my best friend, why are you essentially siding with my ex just bc i was sort of petty?

that or when katelyn wanted malia to reach out and ask her what was wrong, she didn't do that, and that just made the friendship break down more. and that's why they aren't friends anymore. and that's also why katelyn is still somewhat shading snc. well, mostly sam.

obviously, there is probably about a million other things that most likely went down that we don't know about - again, not saying i'm right. i'm just saying this is what i think happened.

i don't think malia chose snc over katelyn, but i think that's what katelyn feels. if what i think actually did happen, i think malia just didn't want to get involved in the drama of it all, but that just registered as her picking a side.

but i could be wrong. do i think something like this can be fixed? sure, but there's a lot of communication that needs to take place and idk if either party involved want to do that. so for now katelyn will continue to be petty and malia will say nothing. and sam will add in his passive aggressive shit once in a while when he feels like it.

this is also assuming katelyn doesn't go off the deep end and air out his dirty laundry lol

[musette22]

Wait, what’s the drama with Seb and his friends getting hate?

Hi there! Firstly, let me say that I have understandably gotten quite a few messages about this, and I do truly appreciate each and every one of them (apart from the rude ones, you get blocked) and I completely understand this is a situation that’s troubling to a lot of us and we need to vent/talk about this sometimes. That makes total sense. However, if I answered all the messages about this situation, I would a) just be repeating myself, and b) this would turn into a pretty negative space pretty fast, and that’s something I’ve always been keen to avoid (there are enough of those out there already at the moment, unfortunately). So I hope you’ll understand that I’ll just answer the odd ask when something like this happens, and that you know I’m not ignoring asks because I disagree or whatever, but because I want to limit the amount of negative attention the situation gets on my blog. Hope that makes sense!

I’ll put the rest of my reply under the cut as it’s quite long and I know a lot of my followers are keen to avoid this discussion.

As for your question; I assume you know about the ‘drama’ that’s been occurring in Sebastian’s fandom over the past few months (if not, please DM me and I’ll explain, but I don’t want to get into this again publicly). Yesterday, Toby Hemingway posted a picture of himself, Sebastian and Charles Chu at some sort of restaurant. People assumed it was a new pic, and some of them aggressively criticised the fact that Seb & co appeared to be maskless in a public place during the pandemic. Toby then edited his caption to specify that it was in fact a throwback (presumably from pre-pandemic times) and not a new picture, but some people apparently didn’t believe him and kept harassing him, as they’ve been doing to a lot of Sebastian’s friends on social media lately. Charles already made his account private a while ago because of this, and now it looks like Toby has deleted all his posts and unfollowed everyone (which is a bit odd, so I’m wondering if it might be some sort of glitch, but who knows)

So anyway, the people responsible for that are dickheads. It doesn’t matter how you feel about someone - sending people hate, harassing them, stalking them and doxxing them (all of which have been occurring in the standom lately) are completely out of line and extremely wrong. If you really hate Sebastian and the people in his life this much, then you need to click that unfollow button and gtfo. It’s that easy. You can have opinions, absolutely, but you have no say in a strangers life, just as they have no say in yours. Sebastian or his friends do not have to do anything because you say so. If you think they do, then I urge you to please have a long look in the mirror first - and at all the people in your own life - before you judge and spit at a total stranger on the internet. Ask yourself why exactly you’re so upset, and if it really is for the right reasons. I can understand that you don’t agree with things Sebastian has done, or that you don’t like the people he associates with for something they’ve done. That’s okay, and it’s valid to be disappointed, hurt or upset. I also have thoughts on the matter. But it still does not give you a free pass to harass anyone - not Seb and his loved ones, and not other fans. Do everyone (including yourself) a favour and just unstan, leave and never look back. Get on with your life. Get one, if necessary. It’s that simple.

Also, as an aside, I really couldn’t care less if people think I’m being naive, as I’ve been called a few times lately. I would much rather be a little naive (although please don’t mistake kindness and not being quick to judge for naïvité) than venomous and spiteful, thanks very much. 

So yeah, I would not blame Sebastian and his friends if they chose to go private. I wish it wasn’t necessary, and I’d hate to see Sebastian leave social media and not share little bits of his life with us anymore, but I would understand it, and at this point I’d almost encourage it. Yes, he’s done things that warrant criticism, but in my opinion, he does not deserve this constant barrage of hate from a small but loud part of the ‘fandom’, and it can’t be doing him much good. So if he wants to take measures to avoid it, then good for him. But I guess we’ll have to see what happens next.

[ofcoffeeanddreams]

Rant coming up.

This has been on my mind lately, and I needed time to sort my thoughts out. I briefly considered not writing about this, but I feel that I need to let this load off my chest. Apologies in advance if I upset anyone, that is not my intention. Oh and also, quite a long post ahead.

Exactly a week ago, Sushant Singh Rajput committed suicide. I went through a whole myriad of emotions. It still affects and haunts me till today. Which is why I think I must let it out.

I first watched Sushant in Kis Desh Mein Hai Mera Dil. My mother was into watching Hindi serials and somehow along the way, I joined her occasionally. A year or so later, I saw Sushant in Pavitra Rishta. I started watching the drama purely for Sushant. There was just something about the quiet and strong Manav that captured my attention. I then watched him on Jhalak Dikhlaja and supported him all the way as a fan.

A few years later, I saw him debuting in Kai Po Che, and I watched him in PK, as the ever dashing Sarfaraz. It was at this point, that I marvelled and remember telling my mother, “Hey mum, you remember Manav from Pavitra Rishta? He made it to Bollywood!”

It was this thing about him making it big and that his talent was not going unnoticed. With his death, it did shock many of his fans, me included. The more I looked into it, the more upset I get.

Here’s my two cents worth.

Nepotism has been rampant in the Bollywood industry lately. Kangna Ranaut raised many questions and got herself a fair number of enemies when she deemed Karan Johar as the flag-bearer of nepotism. One thing I admire about her is that she has the guts to fight for her cause. There are some actors who might not have relatives in the industry, but they have their respective godfathers to give them the push they need to rise.

I was born in the nineties, so I grew up to the likes of Karisma Kapoor, the Deol brothers, Raveena Tandon, Akshay Kumar, the Khans. It did not occur to me that some of these actors were products of nepotism. Back then nepotism was not rampant, unlike now. There are some who are supremely talented. However, it seems like now, just about anyone can be cast simply because of their connections.

It is true that producers or directors can launch whoever they want, but this raises a few questions. Are you launching a star kid because they generate profit better than the talented outsiders? Is launching a star kid better than launching a talented actor who worked their ass off to be where they are? Doesn’t launching star kids make the road much narrower for upcoming actors looking to make their mark?

There are so many gems in Bollywood that have been overlooked, and they are capable of so much more. They should be appreciated more and protected at all costs.

“Outsiders” who are under-appreciated:

Randeep Hooda, Jimmy Sheirgill, Ranvir Shorey, Sayani Gupta, Taapsee Pannu, Radhika Apte, Kriti Sanon, Kriti Kharbanda, Siddharth Malhotra, Kiara Advani, Richa Chaddha, Manoj Bajpayee, Kangna Ranaut, Irrfan Khan, Kay Kay Menon, Nawazuddin Siddiqui, Ayushmann Khurana, Rajkummar Rao, Sushant Singh Rajput, Vicky Kaushal, Siddhant Chaturvedi, Siddharth Malhotra (I know, people might say KJo is his godfather, but he is not a star kid and I feel that he grew by himself), Konkona Sen, Sharman Joshi, Pankaj Tripathi, Rajpal Yadav, Kalki Koechlin, Bipasha Basu, Dino Morea, Abhay Deol (he might be related to the Deols, but he worked his way up by himself damned well).

 I am a fan of star kids who I feel are talented and worked their asses off to enjoy the stardom they have now. I like Aamir Khan, Shahid Kapoor, Hrithik Roshan and Karisma Kapoor a lot. I used to like Aliaa Bhatt because I felt like she had the guts to try out different projects and she proved she could act.

However, I somehow let my judgement cloud me a little and it has affected how I see these celebrities now. I came across a video of Katrina, Alia, Shahid and Varun ignoring Sushant at IIFA and it kinda sucked. I should not be judging just based on the context of that video, but still, it sucked seeing Sushant being ignored. Suffice to say, my level of disdain with these actors is going up.

When news of Sushant’s passing came out, I went onto Instagram and my newsfeed was flooded with many “tributes” to Sushant, by many actors from the film fraternity. It baffled me, because these actors posted photos with Sushant, as if trying to prove they had a genuine connection with him and that they apparently cared. Hmm. 

Some can even attempt to pull the attention to them, that depression is an issue we should address seriously. There are talks of actors getting Sushant’s projects, and endless preaching of depression, linking it back to themselves. I am sure you know who I am talking about, Repeat after me repeat after me, how about stop hogging the bloody spotlight?! My respect has only gone up for people like Kriti Sanon, Vivek Oberoi and Shraddha Kapoor, who really proved they are friends who loved him. It struck me that this industry I grew up loving, turned out to be shallow and fake.

I unfollowed some people on Instagram. I just got more annoyed when I hear directors say how star kids get roles and do not even need to audition for their roles. This is unfair.

If these talks about Bollywood sabotaging Sushant’s career and pushing him to the edge are true, they have disappointed us as fans. I see a lot of finger pointing after Sushant’s death. Fingers are pointed at the bigwigs of Bollywood, and somehow, us, the fans. That shocked the shit out of me. We as fans, appreciate our talents and actors, which is why we watch their movies in theatres and support them as much as we can, without caring if they notice us or not. I for one, go to the theatres to watch movies and wait excitedly to watch my favourite actors on screen. This shit about nepotism has to be addressed and if this is how it’s going, then so be it. Not being invited to weddings, parties, and to be rated and not invited on a stupid show on his looks and talents and being termed too boring. How could a mind like Sushant’s be boring? THAT IS UTTER COW DUNG.

Sushant’s death, like Irrfan’s, hit me like a personal loss. He grew by himself, defying all odds to be a self-made actor, oozing talent, and love for his fans. He had a brilliant mind, and he was a wonderful person in and out. He had an unsatiated curiosity on how the universe came about, and the thirst for knowledge got him excited. He made time for his fans, he did donations quietly, he sent children to space camps, he appreciated his fans and chose projects that showed his talent and he was paving a way for himself, in all aspects. He was an inspiration for many upcoming actors, who probably told their parents, “If Sushant could do it, there might be a chance for me.” It is sad that all these questions are raised after his abrupt departure. 34 is too young of an age to go, but we will never know what he went through before he made the decision to take this final step. All I have to say is, I hope you are happy wherever you are Sushant. Bollywood did not deserve a gem like you. May you shine as bright as the stars you used to marvel over. We will never forget you. Never.

[awed-frog]

(1/2) Hi, sorry to bother, I don't know who else to ask but... why are people defending the writer for 15x18? I can understand defending the cast and crew but genuinely cannot understand why the writer. Don't stories get pitched to the entire writer's room before it gets greenlit? Even if the resistance to textual reciprocated Destiel is coming from higher up instead, the writer should know whether the others would be able to follow up on the confession or not, right?

(2/2) And so, if he finalized the script with the full knowledge that the show’s never going to address the confession ever again, isn't that uh... Bad? How is that okay in any way? How do “good intentions” neutralize the final product, which is still a Bury Your Gays? Either way, it seems to me like the writer is just as culpable? Am I misunderstanding something? BTW thanks in advance if you feel like answering.

Honestly? I don’t know. Humans are hardwired to stick with something they invested a lot of time in, which causes us a lot of trouble and is the reason why people never change jobs they hate or get out of relationships that no longer work. So I think a lot of people are unwilling to let go and are trying to find reasons to justify their love for the show and their trust in the cast and crew. 

Personally, I can’t bear that point of view anymore. We’ve had queerbaiting, sexism, racism, extremely poor storytelling and glaring plot holes for years now, and tbh it’s the showrunner’s job to fix all of those things? And if the CW was exerting so much creative control the showrunner and/or writers couldn’t do anything, well - controversial take, but you can also walk away.

Tbh, I think Dabb believes they’ve done enough. He and the others believe Cas’ confession was enough to do away with those queerbaiting accusations (‘See? He’s actually gay, so shut up’), and they believe killing him was the best way to have a brothers-only end which mirrored the brothers-only beginning. They probably believe killing Dean was also great, because a) giving him a partner would have made all sort of people furious and b) again, circular narrative. The fact they chose a gay writer to deliver the killing blow - well, call me cynical, but in an era drenched in identity politics bullshit, that’s the perfect way to do whatever you want and get away with it. I mean - that’s the main reason people are not yelling at Bobo Berens. What are we (mostly straight women, btw) going to do? Criticize a gay screenwriter for his vision of what gay love is like?

Nah. This fandom has been devolving into weirder and weirder factions for a while now, and there’s no possibility to find common ground any longer. If you find something annoys you or upsets you, my advice is to unfollow, or even block. This is going to end like TJLC, so surround yourself with content you like and enjoy and avoid the rest.

[twilightofthe]

SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE EPISODE 9 BENEATH THE CUT.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

S O . . .

Honestly I’m kinda really glad I spoiled myself for this movie because I got really really upset by the reviews and went in with my expectations basically on the floor, so I was actually able to be pleased and happy with a couple things in the movie, so I will start off with the few things I did like.

I loved the Rey/Finn/Poe dynamic.  The actors’ chemistry works sooooo well together and I loved their adventure through the first two acts.  You can see how much these guys all genuinely like each other-- even tho the script seems to try VERY HARD to stick Poe and Finn with the worst case of “NO HOMO NO HOMO”-ing I’ve seen in Star Wars since Anakin and Obi Wan in The Clone Wars lol.  Seriously, the script is trying so so hard to pick fights between Poe and Finn, but blessed amazing Oscar Isaac and John Boyega manage to play it so the entire conflict reads more like Poe is jealous of Finn’s feelings over Rey, they act it VERY MUCH like quarreling lovers and it is completely 100% the work of John and Oscar and I love these two so much, I owe them my life.

I adore Rey and Finn’s chemistry too, they spend the entire film with Finn desperately worrying over Rey and Rey confiding her worries and fears to Finn and constantly giving each other looks and ugh, I love them so much.

Force Sensitive!Finn!!!  Just for a second but it happened!  They should have been more blatant but I like that he canonically is!!!

Just in general, I’ve always been a Jedistormpilot shipper, and I feel the ending really leaves that as an open option I will happily take.

The bits with the Resistance and Leia did the best they could with Carrie’s footage.  It was choppy and kinda obvious that footage was all they had to work with, but they tried their hardest and given what little they had to work with, I will unhappily accept it and the fact that Leia had little to no role in the story.  I’m still really upset about it and her character’s death was so damn anticlimactic, but it was what happened.

Billy Dee Williams was charming and awesome as Lando, I loved seeing him, and he did a wonderful job, even if he was just a nostalgia cameo.

3PO was entertaining as ever!  I liked him!  They definitely sidelined R2 way too much, but I was glad to see 3PO and I was glad that he didn’t permanently lose his memory!  The only thing I was kinda ehhh about was the bit with the dagger and the Sith language because the way he was suddenly able to translate it after not being able to translate it?????  Did not make sense at all???????????

Abrams fucking got me with the nostalgia for a second during the Luke Force Ghost scene.  I’m sorry, but I was so happy to see that Leia had done a bit of Jedi training then chose to give it up, I loved the callback to Yoda lifting the X-Wing but then Luke’s ghost did it-- COMPLETE WITH THE OG MUSIC!!!!!  Mark knocked it out of the park and I just love seeing him.

Same for Ian and Sidious!  While I personally did not like the Sidious plot at all and I will expand more on that later, I loved seeing Mr. McDiarmid again and he always just fills me with a bit of glee being his dramatic Palpy self because he’s just as good and as hatable as he’s always been and I thank him for it.

I think that was about it for what I liked, and honestly that was all the work of the talented actors and me being happy to see them pulling off their characters to the best of their abilities.  The plot itself???  Ehhhhhhhhhh.....

Look, as I mentioned before, I liked the Jedistormpilot mission.  That was fun.  

The entire Resistance plot?  Way way way too staggered and jumped around too much, not going into detail, felt a lot like it was trying to cram in everything with little payoff and not much emphasis placed on the importance of its plan so the audience really doesn’t get time to register everything that’s happening with them, let alone care about them

Naomi Ackie did a charming job with Jannah, I would have liked it if her entire plot didn’t kinda invalidate Finn’s overall story arc.  I get they were trying to say “oh look!  Finn’s not alone!  There are other ex-stormtrooper rebels!  Just like Finn!!!”  Instead what it looks like is saying basically that Finn isn’t special, Finn’s defection wasn’t important overall, literally everyone does it, and it means nothing.

(Also going off of this, it really felt like JJ caved to the TLJ hate and totally sidelined Rose, she did like jacksquat in this and I’m mad)

The thing is, I don’t think the Resistance plot and the search for Palpy mission would have been as scattered and rushed and disorganized IF: Rey Palpatine wasn’t a thing, Reylo wasn’t a thing, and Force Ghosts were utilized more.

Look, I was fine with Palpy coming back (on a condition).  Someone had to be the big bad and Disney is too worried about toy sales for it to ever be Kylo, so I knew Sidious could work-- provided they brought back the Skywalkers whose stories were intertwined with his and involved them in his ultimate downfall somehow.

I was fine with Rey Nobody. I was a little mad all the Skywalker legacy was going to her without her earning it really, but I figured that if the final film connected her with the Skywalkers properly, it would be fine, she had time to earn it.

Instead, we got little to no Skywalkers-- one Luke scene that meant nothing to the plot, scraped together Leia footage they could only take so far, and a fucking muddled voiceover from the man who Sidious screwed over the most, the one who originally killed him, the one who should have been THERE.  Look, I should have known they would never actually bring Anakin back, but dammit, he SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.  HE SHOULD HAVE.  This was his story originally, like it or not, and the entire goddamn Sequel Trilogy never so much as said his name, even when they brought back the creep that destroyed his life and he was supposed to give his own to defeat.

Literally no one asked for the Rey Palpatine plot.  It made no sense, you feel nothing for her “heroic” parents because you know literally nothing about either of them, the convoluted logic on why/why not Sidious wants her alive makes no sense.  His goal makes no sense, it’s confusing, so he wants Kylo to kill her but he also doesn’t, he wants Rey there so she can kill him and he can transfer his life force into her and then he’ll bring the Sith back somehow with all that hooded crowd on the bottom of Exetor???  Where did they even come from??  What happened to the canon saying all the dead Sith were on Korriban?  How is Palpy even gonna use Rey to bring back the other Sith????  When can his ghost/zombie corpse/whatever the fuck he is just fucking pull life energy out of people’s chests?  

What they should have focused on instead of the timeline devoted to Rey Palpatine was keep Sidious as the threat, keep all his other “raising the dead Sith” stuff-- just move his hidey hole to Korriban dammit --and have all the Rey’s parents plot shift to scenes with her interacting with Luke and Anakin’s Force Ghosts trying to figure out how to take down Palps together once and for all.  Let her get adopted into the Skywalker family by the only two who actually carried the name, not just have her randomly take it at the end after interacting with Luke freaking once.  She has seemingly close relationships with Leia and Ben, dammit, in that case she should have been Rey Solo or Rey Organa.

Also have Luke’s Force Ghost replace the nonsense with whatever guy Luke was apparently working with to track down Sidious on Exetor-- we never saw all of that and having aaaaaall of that background wordvomited onto us by 3PO at once makes it jarring and confusing and forgettable.  Literally just have Luke show up and tell them!!!!  

Han’s appearance to Kylo on whatsitsname Endor water moon???  Also should have been Anakin if they really wanted to show Kylo/Ben’s beginning to turn (really it should have been Leia but again I get why they couldn’t) back to the Light via a convo with the dead.  Like omgggg let him finally talk to the grandfather he was trying to impress!!  The opening was right there????  But nope, Han is there, and I guess whatever he says is suddenly enough to turn him good again???

(THIS ALSO MEANS MY FUCKING FANFIC WAS RIGHT.  HAN SOLO IS A FORCE GHOST.  WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.  THAT WAS LITERALLY THE ONE THING I PROCLAIMED WOULD NOT BE CANON.  I’M THE NEW ORACLE OF DELPHI BITCHES.  WHAT THE FUCK.)

Aaaaand this brings me to the romance.  The fucking romance.  Look, I’m sorry if you guys all do, I really am, and I respect if you want to unfollow, but I never have been able to stomach Reylo.  Ever.  I never saw the romance.  I saw pain and abuse and one-sided obsession.  Check that, I will admit that I always saw some sort of want from Kylo.  Adam played him very much being obsessed with having Rey with him for some reason throughout all the films, but it also always played as toxic, and him not knowing what to do with that want, and just lashing out and abusing and forcing himself on her at every turn.  It never played as a healthy relationship and it never played like Kylo should be rewarded for it.  And this entire film????  I see still no romance????  Like the first half is just Rey being damn furious at Kylo, hating him, literally wanting nothing to do with him.  I think another part of it is that I have never in the films seen Rey as having romantic or emotional feelings for Kylo, not ever.  Not consistantly.  It’s always just been an entire film’s worth of her despising him-- no not in an enemies to lovers UST despising, like actual hate and frustration --and then one singular bizarre scene that sticks out like a wart on a face where she suddenly does a 180 and is soft with him, like in the elevator scene in TLJ or the ending scene of TROS.  I wouldn’t even say Rey feels soft for Kylo the first damn time she stabs and kills him before healing him.  That to me seems a lot more like guilt to Leia her mentor over stabbing her son, and healing him for Leia’s sake than Rey actually wanting him alive.  Maybe that’s just because from what I’ve seen, Daisy isn’t the biggest Reylo fan and just didn’t play it with her heart.

I’m glad Ben was redeemed, after what Sidious put that family through, I would have been upset with the last Skywalker descendant dying in Dark disgrace.  But I’ve never been able to like his character really because they never fully let him be evil or an intriguing villain character, but they never showed him as good.  I’m sorry, but the comics don’t do it for me either because it seems they’re just trying to slightly alter Anakin’s issues and problems and stick them onto him and go “see they’re the same!” and it just rings fake and irritating for me, and his sudden turnaround does not have the same weight behind it because I don’t even know what he really turned back to the Light for.  Was it for Rey?  That obsession didn’t look like love.  Was it for Leia?  We never got to see him speak two words to her.  Was it for Han?  Possibly?!?!  That scene was not clear?!??!?!!?!  It sure as hell wasn’t for Anakin or Luke because they weren’t allowed to interact with him at all.  His return to the Light made no real sense because there wasn’t a clear motive besides “plot says so” and I Could Not See the logic in Rey suddenly wanting to make out with him, whether he saved her or not.  Really the one good thing about it was that their lack of chemistry throughout the film means that if I ignore the fact that that kiss happened, it’s pretty easy to pretend they never got together ;D  Plus, that Jedistormpilot hug at the very end tho, like I said, possibilities........

AND ANOTHER THING (god I really am a crotchety old lady), THE ABILITIES OF BEN AND REY TO BRING EACH OTHER BACK FROM DEATH.  Rey effortlessly healed a straight saber wound through the gut that has fucking killed multiple trained Force users dead and even more non Force users, healed it in seconds.  Now I probably seem like the biggest hypocrite here as I’m planning on having Anakin survive that same exact type of wound in a fic I’m writing (spoilers for those reading it lol but not really, did y’all actually think I was gonna kill him like that xD  And that in no means says he’s gonna recover completely...), but the difference is that I’m not having him survive through someone else effortlessly curing the wound.  If Ben survived that gut wound by healing himself, using his raw energy that all Skywalkers are supposed to have, I would be able to believe that.  Self preservation will to live saved Vader on Mustafar, saved Luke, saved fucking Sidious.  

But the matter is, if Rey was so powerful that she could just heal Ben from dying like that, why the fuck in the prequels is Anakin so panicked over his loved ones dying ever?  He’s supposed to be the most powerful Force user in existence, more powerful than Rey, shouldn’t he have been able to do that for say, Shmi??  One might argue, “but Rey’s had training!”  Who trained her?  Leia, who learned from Luke, who learned from Obi Wan and Yoda, neither of whom knew how to fucking do that and pass it down, don’t tell me they did.  The other option is that Rey did it untrained on natural talented instinct, which again, in that case, why couldn’t Anakin figure that out?  Why didn’t any Jedi?  Rey worked off of emotion healing Ben, Anakin should have been able to figure that out too.  I will accept Ben’s energy transfer to Rey saving her after she died later as that literally killed him, that makes sense, trading energy at an equal point-- and further canonizes my theory that Sidious was able to steal and drain Padmé’s life energy through her bond with Anakin to save him after he burned, which was the actual reason Pads died in Ep 3.  But Rey effortlessly bringing Ben back like that????  I just can’t, that just doesn’t work for canon for me.  I’m sorry, but no.

My final issue is the sheer amount of ignoring this trilogy did of the prequels.  I’ve already ranted about Anakin not showing up when he should and I will not repeat myself, this rant got long and I’m getting tired, but he should have been there, dammit.  He really should have.  Luke should have had more screentime.  That bit at the end where Rey hears all of the other Jedi’s voices speaking to her???  I’m sorry, but that really does break canon!  It was supposed to be only Qui Gon’s line, or those he taught and could pass it down, who could become Force Ghosts, and as delighted as I was to hear Kanan again and Windu and Luminara and everyone else, their voices should not have been there as they are not Force Ghosts! (and this is only partially me whinging over the fact that in my Force Ghost fic I have already stupidly proclaimed that only Qui Gon’s line has become ghosts and now I somehow have to fix that o_o)

(ALSO also the appearance of Ahsoka Tano amongst the voices means that she is dead which means they had the actual audacity to fucking kill her off OFFSCREEN with no explanation which grrrrrr)

One last whine about the romance, everything with Zorri Bliss and Poe seemed really forced and just another way for the script to blare out “HE’S NOT IN LOVE WITH FINN HE’S NOT HE’S STRAIGHT SUPER STRAIGHT LOOK LOOK LOOK”, tho Zorri’s character herself was fun without the forced romance.

Look, overall, I really liked the characters of the sequels, but I felt the plot was really poorly executed, and I really felt that this was not the “Skywalker Saga”.  The Skywalkers felt cast aside and put in the background and ignored and totally invalidated.  They were my favorites and I feel the narrative let them down and it makes my heart unhappy.  It really feels like abusers like Palpatine and Kylo got to win at the expense of their victims, and that really makes my heart unhappy.  That’s just my personal feelings.  Nothing wrong if you did like it, but it’s just me.  I miss my Skywalkers and their happy ending and I probably always will.  I probs won’t ever really be satisfied with what happened to them, tho I will work my hardest on it.  I guess that’s it.

[theway-itwas]

20200317

i write many notes about her. some people journal, and i write little tidbits of what i’m feeling when i’m feeling it, sort of as a log to keep track of what i’m feeling about her. 

it’s been two months, and then some. it still hurts, but it’s more a stinging feeling now. it’s different, not at all how i expected it to feel at this point in time. with everything going on i have felt and pondered many things, gone into the depths of myself and uncovered secrets about myself i never knew existed. it’s fulfilling to see myself reach a potential i didn’t know i could reach. 

i still think she’s going to come back, and i’m almost confident she will. this feeling, this intuitive gut knowing that she will return is hard to shake. it has to account for something, it’s not for nothing. there’s a reason the signs keep popping up, there’s a reason for everything, and i am starting to piece them together and understand exactly what it is i need to do. 

she pulls me back in right when i feel like it’s my time to walk away. like saturday night/sunday morning, when we watched parasite and facetimed until 5 in the morning out of the blue. all saturday i was crying over her, and that very night she messaged me. we had a fun conversation, then talked throughout the night. and then it was back to normal, back to reality. she stopped talking to me again. 

i doubt she understands just how much it meant to me. that night was great, it resurfaced a lot of feelings i’d pushed deep down, and it made me realize yet again that it’s still her. it’s going to be her for a while, and that i am confident that for her it will eventually be me too. it couldn’t mean nothing, it can’t mean nothing. i know in my soul that it meant something to her like it meant to me. 

and with that, i want to explain some of the things in my notes. i kind of just want to write, but didn’t know what to write independently, so i figured i’d go into detail for myself. 

“i remember staring at your eyes and memorizing the color because i didn’t want to forget.” inspired by my main tumblr, and encapsulating how it felt to look into her ‘boba ball’ eyes and never want to see anything else ever again. 

“la citta di smeraldo” the truth untold by bts. it made me think of how i was when we were ~together~, the story reminded me of myself. i hated myself then, i’m getting better now. 

“the nights i’ll grow not to remember, but you, i will never forget.” it’s the truth. the individual nights have started to fade, and soon enough they’ll all be forgotten memories. but her, she will always be a part of me. she will stay in my head forever. 

“i was desperately looking for happy songs to listen to when i realized that the playlist i made for you was filled with them. good news is, i can listen to it without crying. bad news is, every song is still about you.” that one speaks for itself. i wrote that before she unfollowed the playlist, which made it harder to listen to. but it remains true still. every song is about her, even if it hurts to daydream when i listen to them. 

“once i realized that i deserved better, and that i was capable of giving myself everything you could not, i was happier. that’s funny, isn’t it? how i’m happy and i am learning to love myself now that you’re out of the picture. things without you used to be so hard, now they’re getting easier day by day, and you’re just not that special anymore.” this one is funny because it was so incredibly short-lived. that was a great week, but i was trying to deny how i felt. i accept it now, and i allow myself to feel these things for her knowing it is for good reason and it will get better someday. 

“i don’t think you understand how much i need you, were you really just a waste of all those nights? i don’t think the stars aligned so i can’t have you, is the universe really that unkind?” song lyrics i wrote for sydney, but that i altered a bit to fit izzy. they fit so much more in this situation. 

“there’s not a song sad enough.” i revisit this one, mentally, a lot. when i first saw that she was talking to someone else, and that she confessed to them and it went well, this was my immediate reaction. no song was sad enough to match how i felt. i was destroyed. 

“everybody’s blind when the view’s amazing.” stay by post malone. i still love that song, and it’s true. rose colored glasses are a dangerous thing. 

“i don’t follows fighting for a lost cause, feels like even drifting we’re just off course” fomo by eden. the best song off of no future, and it was my simping song for a while. 

“she says i’m no good with my hands but i’d hold up the whole sky for her” 2020 by eden. again, lyrics that somehow explain what i could never. 

“i begged you to tell me to turn around, but all i heard was silence. maybe it was me who should’ve told you to turn around, but maybe neither of us was meant to. so, we continue with our backs to each other as if our paths hadn’t just crossed, as if our lives weren’t changed forever, yet not as if we’d never be the same without each other.” i wrote that one after watching portrait of a lady on fire. like call me by your name, the ending of that movie resonated differently with me, and i took the portrait concept and my own experience with her and mixed them together to write a little paragraph. 

“you could have told me to go to hell and, if that’s what you wanted, i would’ve done it without hesitation.” after rewatching faking it, a similar line that liam said was on my mind for many days. karma told him to go to hell, and he replied “fine, i’ll go to hell if that’s what you want” and it made me really think, that’s exactly how i feel about izzy. 

“distracting myself works for a while but i always end up here.” self explanatory. i was probably more upset than usual when i wrote that. 

“i think things should be easier from now on. thank you for giving me the closure i needed, and i hope the future is bright for both of us--individually and together.” i wrote that after she texted me about the tik tok i made about her and we talked things out. it’s funny because i really thought things would be easier. things got so much harder, and i was visibly upset the few days after that. that night kind of did nothing but make me want her more, especially after she’d said she thinks about me every day and basically said moving on was hard. the fact that she had to move on at all made me rethink everything i ever thought about her because that means it was real, and she forced herself to give it up. 

“it’s times like these when you remember just how temporary everything is.” just me reminiscing on november and december. 

“nothing has felt right since you left.” it’s true. things have felt off, like it wasn’t supposed to happen. 

“being closer to you makes it worse. it’s still you, it will always be you, and for you it will never be me and that is the most frustrating reality that i can’t face.” we were talking quite a bit then, and i wasn’t confident in the thought that she would come back quite yet. 

“i may not be okay yet, but i’m closer than i was yesterday.” every day i get closer to being more okay, but healing is inconsistent, and sometimes things get harder again. 

“right when i think i’ve gotten far enough, you pull me back in again.” she probably texted me asking if i was okay again, as she often does. maybe it was when i asked her if she was okay. sometimes i think it’s just her excuse to talk to me. 

“i just want to relive those days over and over again. i want that feeling again, i want you and i’m desperately trying to show you that but you just don’t care and it’s killing me. everything changed when you left and i’m trying to figure myself out but it hurts having to do that without you. i don’t even know why i’m making such a big deal out of such a short time but i can’t help it and i feel pulled in two directions because i can’t decide whether to let you go or to hold onto hope because both paths seem equally as plausible and both are hurting me more than i can take. i feel weak and defeated. i feel like i have no control and that i have no choice but to sit here and do nothing as things fall apart. thanks to you, i am defeated.” it was true then, less so now. i feel like holding onto hope is way more plausible now, but i did feel defeated. 

“it doesn’t even feel anymore. it’s just nothing, waves of nothingness when i think of you.” i don’t even remember what exactly evoked this response but clearly i was upset. 

“i both don’t want to talk to you and only want to talk to you. it’s a mixture of pushing you away and pulling you in. every time i try to walk, something happens and it feels like i get pulled back. i just want to be free from you, free to be happy without you and be happy for you. please allow me to do that.” little did i know there was trouble in paradise. 

“i’ve never had a choice. everyone else has always chosen for me, you chose for me, i didn’t have a say in it. how is that fair?” i just felt so helpless and defeated. 

“yesterday i was crying over you and trying to forget about you. last night i was on facetime with you until 4:30 in the morning. you did it again, you pulled me back in.” self-explanatory. this time was different though, it cemented many things. 

“maybe you should set me free, maybe i don’t really want you to” this love by camila cabello. pretty much sums up every feeling i’ve had since january 5th. 

that’s it for the notes.

i am trying to forgive. i realized today that the universe, spirit is sending me the sign that i must forgive before i can get what i want. i can’t have her until i forgive her, really truly forgive her for leaving me. they sent me her knowing this was a lesson i had to learn. i can’t have what i want unless i forgive everyone, including myself. i need to forgive the world and love every aspect of it to finally prosper and get an abundance of what i want. i see that now. so, i will work on forgiveness. i will nurture my wounds. 

this will be my physical speaking of it. i am working on myself, doing healthy things and actually going through with it. every day i want to go on long walks, to sit and meditate at that table i found today. i want to be everything i have always wanted to be and i am doing things to help myself achieve that. 

the spirituality and intuition i am tapping into lately feels amazing. i understand the things around me, and i see the beauty in all things. i’ve gotten into tarot, astrology, meditation, manifestation, and all that good stuff lately. it feels good. i like growing into this new person. it feels like a new chapter, in all the best ways. 

rae, as in valkyrae, said it regarding her breakup with michael recently. “just because we aren’t in each other’s chapter nine doesn’t mean we can’t be in each other’s chapter fifteen”.

and with that, i think izzy and i need(ed) this time apart to work on ourselves. i think we both need to forgive, and we both need to grow in order to be perfect for each other. i think there is a deep soul connection, i think she might be my soulmate, and i see now the importance of spending time apart so we can fall back together. 

all is going to work out. everything is going to be okay. i see that now. 

[cookinguptales]

So this came up on Twitter yesterday and I thought I’d post about it on Tumblr today. Frankly speaking, I’ve got a lot of young followers and this is some truth I wish someone had taught me when I was a lot younger because I would’ve gone through a lot less stress.

I know we’re all starved for outside validation on this site, but I wanna talk to you about when compliments are used by creeps. Now, you probably know about negging (when someone uses a backhanded compliment on you to make you feel bad about yourself, often in order to pick you up more easily — i.e. “you’re really pretty for a fat girl”), creepy sexualized comments on the street, etc. But I’m talking about really nice compliments about your work or your personality or your drive. Even the sweetest compliment can be used as a weapon.

(All this is going to be a pretty gendered discussion; I in no way want to say that only guys can be creeps and only women have been socialized in the ways I’m about to discuss, but, well. Let’s all be real here, there are definite patterns.)

Discussion under a cut for length and possible triggers

I don’t want to get into a lot of my own painful personal experiences with creepy guys, but I do have to bring up some examples from my own life, so I’ll use one particular guy as a case study. Let’s call him Dick. (Look, I never claimed to be mature.) I’ve had these experiences with guys IRL, but Dick was a guy I met online. At first, Dick was my friend. He clearly had a bit of a crush, but seemed to accept it when I said I wasn’t interested. It was nice having a bud who shared my interests and I knew he had some issues with socializing, so at first I was pretty patient with his problems with boundaries. But by the time my longstanding friendship with Dick ended, he had become a full-blown stalker — and my friends were on his side.

How did this happen? Well, my friends, it’s the art of the public compliment. Dick was All About Me. He loved me. He treated me right. He praised me for my mind and my heart, and he didn’t care who heard him do it. Or so I thought. It took a long time for me to realize it, but he cared very much who heard it. That was exactly why he said it. To be heard.

Over time, I started to become more and more uncomfortable with Dick’s attentions. He wanted to talk about me more than he did the media we’d bonded over. He kept talking about how our (respective) children would grow up together, and would maybe fall in love. (???) He told me that he’d gone to a place I often vacation at — and he’d looked around for tangible traces of me. Long story short, Dick had become pretty creepy.

But, like many women, my first instinct in this situation was to be nice. I wanted to go to him privately and have a polite conversation about all this. And, to his credit, he seemed truly and honestly repentant. Until he did it again. It became a pattern of me trying to establish boundaries and Dick stomping all over them. Finally, despite feeling guilty, I told him he was really upsetting me and I wanted him to leave me alone for a while.

This is when the second creepy pattern emerged. The compliment trap. When I told him to stop contacting me, he didn’t…technically. He didn’t talk to me. He talked about me. He publicly talked about what a great person I was. How smart. How kind. How forgiving. He said it to my friends. He said it to people I respected. And he tagged me.

Now, this looked nice on the outside. He was just complimenting a woman he respects! How nice! But on my side of things, it felt like a trap. All of my friends were waiting for me to acknowledge these compliments. The situation left me with three choices: thank him (in a demure, polite way befitting a modest woman, ofc) and be forced to interact with a man I’d told to leave me alone, ��ignore him and look like a stuck up bitch, or say publicly that he’s a creep — which would make me look like I was “hysterical”. (See: rape culture, women “overreacting”, punishing men who “just want to be nice”, etc.)

Left with this choice, I chose option #1. I chose option #1 a bunch of times. Because this would become a pattern. I’d tell him to stop contacting me, he’d do this public complimenting game, I’d feel like I had to interact with him — and worse, I’d question my own feelings of fear. I’d say “Well, look how nice he’s being. Maybe he’s just awkward. He clearly likes me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. Maybe I really was overreacting.” And I’d talk to him again. Until he’d ask me for my address for a Christmas card or something.

And I didn’t realize for a really long time that he wasn’t being nice! This behavior! It was not nice! It was deeply emotionally manipulative! He’d put this horrible emotional onus on me to forgive and forgive and forgive, steadily gaslighting me into forgetting how scared I’d been until I blamed myself for being so quick to react… and let him back into my life. Because this was all public. All our “fighting” happened in private. All those times I begged him to just ease up a little were privy to only the two of us. All our friends, all my support system, only saw a nice boy with a crush praising a girl he liked and her refusing to give him the time of day.

Guess what happened when I finally put my foot down and stopped engaging when he did this? Oh boy. Oh boy. He started sending me literally dozens of messages a day, sometimes over a hundred. Have you ever had a person sending you @s on tumblr and twitter, private messages on tumblr and twitter, public and private messages on Facebook, emails, LJ messages, IMs on two different clients, and forum messages? Every single goddamn day? Dozens of times? Have you ever had a guy start showing interest in something you know he never liked before — just so he can “coincidentally” run into you on every community you’ve ever joined?

Honestly, I was so stressed. In tears all the time. My school work was suffering. No matter how many times I tried to tell him to stop, to avoid him, etc., he just kept going. I told him that we were done. No more forgiveness. I wanted absolutely zero contact — and I wanted him to never mention me on social media again. I didn’t want him to @ me. I didn’t want him to say my name. I didn’t want him to make thinly veiled sad posts about me. Zero contact. If he did that, I wouldn’t block him on every single platform and tell everyone we knew.

Yeah, I was dumb. I still wanted to be nice and polite. He’d been my friend, y’know? I didn’t want to ruin his life. I just wanted him to stop ruining mine. Even then, I didn’t understand how manipulative he’d been. I still believed he was just kind of awkward, and that I was probably the dick for being unable to deal with it. After all, I’d been friends with him, right? I’d encouraged him, right? It’d felt good to have someone like me so much, right?

(Yeah, until it didn’t.)

I almost got out this time, though. He almost made it. Sure, he “accidentally” replied to my posts every few weeks. (Somehow I didn’t put together that even though I’d unfollowed him, he clearly hadn’t unfollowed me. I guess I just thought that he’d kept seeing my posts when our mutual friends replied to them.) I felt pretty good. In fact, I was at a point where I felt almost silly for being upset in the first place. And then our mutual friends started asking me why we weren’t talking as much. He’d liked me so much. We’d had such good conversations. They talked about maybe reconnecting with him. After all, they’d only ever seen him being nice.

And god help me, I said okay. I figured he must have grown! Learned his lesson! Nah, that fucker was back to sending me tons of messages, talking to my friends (who did not know him), inserting himself in conversations I was having with others, making plans for the children I never wanted to have, etc.

I finally blocked him. E v e r y w h e r e. And I felt so fucking relieved that I was actually angry with myself for not doing it earlier. This man had harassed me for years, and I’d been the one to feel guilty over it.

Still private, I contacted our mutual friends and told them very briefly that he’d been harassing me and I was cutting off contact. I asked them to support me. Some people did.

A lot of people didn’t.

They’d only seen his public face. They’d only seen the avalanche of love and compliments. He hadn’t known better!! He just didn’t know how to express his feelings!! Next thing I knew, they were forwarding messages from him to me. Even after I’d blocked the fucker, he was still using compliments and romantic gestures to get to me! Through the people I’d trusted!

I’d finally had enough and was very public about this man who’d harassed me. I told people everything I’d been putting up with. I aired all our dirty laundry that I’d tried so hard to keep politely private. And some people believed me.

But a lot of people didn’t.

(This, coincidentally, is why I don’t answer tumblr asks privately anymore, not unless the person specifically asks me to and they haven’t been creepy at all. I had another guy pull this on me and I found myself in this same position again and all I had was private harassment. So no more of that! Public contact all the way.)

But Sarah, you say, isn’t this an isolated incident? Why are you making this huge tumblr post about one guy? Well, number one, it wasn’t one guy. This happened to me several times before I recognized that this wasn’t one man — this was a pattern of behavior that many men share. Number two, it speaks to wider issues that I’d like to address.

Media pushes this idea that if a girl is mad at you, you just have to work hard to be romantic and win her back. Piss her off? Hold up a boom box outside her window! Romantic, right? No, bruh, you’re lurking outside a girl’s bedroom window when she said she doesn’t be around you. She’s terrified and you’re being a creep. This isn’t gonna win her back. It’s just going to tell her you don’t know how to respect her boundaries.

Women are socialized to be nice even when they’re scared. We’re supposed to ignore the alarm bells in our head because it’s not socially acceptable to pull away. When we are complimented, we are supposed to acknowledge it graciously. When someone likes us, we are supposed to like them back. If we draw strong boundaries and enforce them, we often face strong social consequences. I’m here to tell you that every one of those consequences is worth it to help you feel safe.

Hell, I’ll reiterate it. It’s okay to be a bitch. Don’t sacrifice your mental and emotional well being for someone else’s. Women are supposed to be self-sacrificial, too… but you don’t have to be. A truly good person wouldn’t want you to be.

A PERSON WHO REALLY LIKES AND RESPECTS YOU WILL NOT WANT YOU TO FEEL UNSAFE AROUND THEM. IF THEY’RE OKAY WITH YOU BEING SCARED OF THEM, THIS IS A DEEPLY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

Compliments are not always kind!! You do not always need to be grateful for them! Even nice compliments, ones that are more “you have beautiful writing” vs “nice tits”, can be utilized to emotionally manipulate you and those around you. If a compliment is making you uncomfortable because of the context in which it’s given, you do not need to even acknowledge it. It doesn’t make you stuck up or a bitch. Compliments are supposed to build you up and make you feel good, y’know? If it’s hurting you, it’s still a shitty compliment and that’s on them.

We’re taught that it’s best to be discreet. Naw, man. Be as public as possible, especially if someone’s giving you weird vibes. Keep things on the public record. Like, don’t be an asshole or anything, don’t publicize private information, but you don’t have to keep your conflict in the dark away from prying eyes. That’s only going to benefit the person hurting you… because there will be no established pattern of behavior. Establish establish establish.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, no one is owed your attentions. It doesn’t matter if they like you. It doesn’t matter if they do nice things for you. It doesn’t matter if there’s social pressure to acknowledge them and/or their efforts. It doesn’t matter if they do every single thing right. If you don’t want to interact with someone, you don’t have to. It doesn’t matter if they just give you vague creep vibes — or if you just plain don’t like them! No one is owed your attentions! Never feel trapped into interacting with people because they make you feel guilty!

(And for that matter, never let someone make you uncomfortable because “they’re just socially awkward”. You can be sympathetic towards someone’s social issues without letting them make you feel unsafe. Believe me, I’ve fallen into this one so many times.)

Anyway, tl;dr? Live bitch is better than dead sweetheart. Don’t fall for the compliment trap. Tell him to fuck off. If friends try to act as intermediary between you and someone you cut out of your life, they’re trash. Tell them to fuck off, too. You have my blessing.

[moncercueil]

I’m suddenly feeling really paranoid and have a bad feeling that I’m going to be used in his pity narrative just like he used his exes on me before. I should have known that things aren’t as they appeared; he told me so many times that he had been abused and manipulated by the women in his life and my heart went out to him completely and I just wanted to love him and provide comfort, but now I’m on the opposite end of that and I know that he’s calling me toxic and abusive and manipulative-- when he’s the one who hurt me so many times repeatedly over the course of the time that we were together. It makes me feel sick, it makes me want to cry, and I don’t know what to do because right now it’s only a suspicion and maybe my own paranoia, but I have a gut feeling that he’s painting me out to be an abuser to the person he’s been talking to lately. I have a feeling that he’s not only replacing me by moving on to this person but that he’s painting me in the worst light possible to make me seem like one of the people who hurt him and abused him and treated him badly. GOD.

I finally trusted someone and let them in because they promised to love me and never hurt me or break my trust but then when my back was turned they went on my phone and violated my privacy-- I can already hear it!! I can already imagine what he’s saying!! But where is the part of the story where you talked shit about me behind my back? Where’s the part where you called me a horrible, abusive, toxic girlfriend-- after an argument YOU started, I groveled for, and apologized for absolutely nothing? You had triggered ME in that argument and made me feel absolutely awful and horrible and like a bad, cruel person for being hurt by the things that you were doing! Where is the part of the story where I begged you, looking you in the face, to PLEASE tell me what’s wrong and tell me what was going on and why you were upset? Why couldn’t you just tell me instead of talking to someone else about the issues we were having? And least especially the person I was most insecure about!

You said that I have jealousy issues-- where’s the understanding that I’m not some crazy toxic jealous bitch, but that you would repeatedly tell me that you hate me, call me a horrible sickening cunt, tell me that I’m the worst person to happen to you after your abusive mother-- AND THEN TURN AROUND AND TELL JOE YOU LOVED THEM IN THE SAME BREATH? Of course I would be terrified and sickened with fucking fear that I was losing you to them-- who wouldn’t be after such whiplash? I was dying for scraps and shreds of your love, and whenever I reacted out of fear or showed any emotion that you didn’t like, you would immediately nail me with the words that hurt me the most-- toxic, manipulative, selfish, you’re so selfish just like Kayleigh and Chris-- how many times did I have to hear that? How many times did you compare me to your exes when you were angry at me, just to hurt me, after I begged and pleaded for you to please stop comparing me to them? How many times did you make me feel empty and less than nothing, hollow and stupid and cruel and abusive for unintentionally hurting the person I loved most in this world without even meaning to? I’m still unlearning this-- it’s been nearly six weeks of therapy and Liz is still trying to get me to understand that I’m not a bad person, that I’m not cruel or evil or manipulative, that I’m a regular human being-- someone was nice to me the other day and I almost started crying, hyperventilating because I genuinely believed that I had manipulated them into thinking I was a kind person deserving of even a shred of niceness or decency-- how fucked up is that!? You destroyed my sense of identity as a person, you destroyed the only thing I genuinely believed about myself-- that even if I’m ugly or fat or stupid or unsuccessful, at least I’m fucking kind, I’m fucking soft-hearted and loving-- you took that away from me and I see myself as a monster, I hate myself and I genuinely believe I deserve to die for hurting you (even though everyone keeps trying to tell me that I didn’t really hurt you) because if I can hurt the person I cared most without even trying, what kind of fucking monster does that make me? What kind of evil thing does that make me? I deserve to be put down before I could ever hurt someone again--

And yet you’re okay, you’re doing just fine and moving on, you were going on tinder dates two weeks after you dumped me in the most hurtful and crushing way possible, and you’re talking and hinting at an online relationship with Nami exactly one month since it ended-- it would have been our six month anniversary together, and instead it’s the one month anniversary of our death. And you’re okay. I’ve wept and sobbed and hurt myself over and over every single day-- and I still do, and I still am, and I’m still hurting by watching you and seeing your interactions online-- because I’m stupidly there, stupidly waiting and holding on, because that’s what love is, right? Holding on and being patient? And you said you needed time, that you weren’t sure what you were feeling, that your heart is on cope mode and that it would be months or years before you could feel again and find out if you care about me-- BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE DOING JUST FINE how could you not be? You’re telling Nami you love her publicly, drawing art for her, rejoicing in your follower count and presenting yourself as a delight and a savior to the FE3H fandom-- and nobody knows that you’re capable of so much fucking cruelty, that you’ve hurt me and fucked me up so badly, that you’re intentionally putting on a mask and parading your happiness with an online persona to spite me, because you knew that it hurt, because you know that I haven’t unfollowed you or blocked you, and you know that I can see all of this. And I? I’m so stupid as to allow it, I’m stupid for holding on, for trying to find a way to reconcile the pain and grief that you’re putting me through with the blind hope that one day we can recover what we had. I’m stupidly living in the past, soaking up the nostalgia, reminiscing over and over, thinking back on the times we spent together in San Francisco, in Santa Monica, protecting the home I carved for you inside my heart, as if you wanted to return, as if you weren’t already looking for someone else to burrow yourself into. I’m aware that I’m hurting, that I’ve been hurt and humiliated in a way that’s so toxic and cruel and hurtful it should be unforgivable, but I’m still here, still waiting, still wishing for a scrap of indication that you think of me, let alone care, anxious to be away from my phone just in case you text me (you won’t). I wish I could move on, I know fully well that you already have, but something in me is clinging for dear life because I fucking chose you! I chose you and I let you in! I never do that! I have never before let anyone know me so thoroughly, I’ve never trusted someone to see all of me, to know my secrets and my feelings without limits, I gave myself in my entirety to you and you didn’t fucking care! You didn’t fucking take care of me the way I did of you! I made myself small, I poured myself over, I made myself available to you 24/7, lest you should feel alone or unloved for even a second-- and for what? You disposed of me! You didn’t care! You don’t care and you’re already searching for someone new and using me and the memory of our relationship, the memories I cherish so much, to achieve that! You’ve desecrated everything, everything that was so fucking sacred to me, that meant so much to me, that I poured and dedicated everything to-- and you don’t care. I can’t wrap my head around or fathom such cruelty, such an absence, it’s such a profound feeling of loss, knowing that I and everything we worked for, everything we dreamed of and promised one another, means nothing and can be disposed of and forgotten in a heartbeat-- and that you can even spite it all and call me cruel things, call me toxic and a bitch and everything that you must be saying-- all the things that you’ve already said, worse even, to my face-- a sickening cunt, that I disgust you, tainted. Why am I still holding on when you’ve made your loathing so painfully, cuttingly clear? When my unconditional love and understanding have been met with nothing but pain and cruelty? Why am I still holding on? Because I’m fucking stupid and despite the pain, despite the humiliation, despite your utter loathing and depreciation, I know hat I’m still in love with you, I still wish I could be by your side through the process of your healing, and that I could stand with you at the end of the process, knowing that I have you, fully healed and full of love toward the person who stood by you unflinchingly.

But you don’t want me. You don’t want me, and you disparage my love, you call me selfish and sickening when all I ever did was promise you unconditional love and promise you that I would stand by your side through everything you went through, that we were a team and you were my partner, and I would never leave your side. I’m still holding on to those promises. I’m still holding on, as if it’s fulfilling a promise that you broke long ago-- which you excuse by saying that my actions were so severe that they freed you of any promises you could have ever made. But you broke a promise long before that, the first promise I asked you to make. You told me you would be gentle with my heart, because I was terrified of being hurt, terrified of the prospect of loving and being in a relationship, but I wanted to do it, I wanted you to be my first and only. Instead, you broke it, over and over, and it’s been so badly damaged and hurt, I don’t know if I could love again. I’m trying to pick up the pieces pouring out from my chest, but there are too many and they’re all slipping through my fingers.

It’ll be years before I let go. It’ll be longer yet before I could recover.