#he just wants to fuck with Thorin

[sapphoismymuse]

“Tell Thorin I love him. Will you do that? Will you tell my son I love him?”

What if I just cry??

[toadstoolillustrations]

Going to check a scene from the hobbit films is like oh this an incredibly homosexual scene. what were they thinking that has to have been on purpose right. and why is it actually making me feel things. man these films could have been at least decent... I can admit the casting was solid, and the few good scenes like this show that there was some bit of heart put into them... And then it immediately cuts to the most absurd and simply made up shit and I think ah. Never fucking mind.

[3bagshotrow]

middle-earth dashboard simulator

🏵 hobbitc0re Follow

pippin was 29 years old???

🏵 hobbitc0re Follow

he should've been at the green dragon

( 420 notes )

📸 daily-middle-earth-photos Follow

#gates of argonath #argonath #amon hen #middle earth landscapes #photographers of middle earth #travel #dark academia #lmao pls reblog this i almost fell out of my boat taking this photo

( 79 notes )

🦢 elfposting Follow

my hungry ass could never travel with lembas

( 9,839 notes )

🐟 sojuicysweet Follow

.

#the entitlement i see on this site sometimes is disgusting #y'all will just post about having easy access to lembas when we can't eats hobbit food??? #we must starve??? #vent #do not rb

( 3 notes )

🗡 shieldmaiden Follow

CALLOUT FOR GRIMA WORMTONGUE

I've talked a lot about this already on this blog, but I want to have everything collected in one post so next time some dipshit with a white hand icon slides into my inbox to call me a liar I can just link to this post. tl;dr grima wormtongue has been poisoning my uncle and the land of rohan for the past few years, and here are the receipts:

Keep reading

( 38 notes )

🧙‍♂️ bignaturals Follow

i stg if one more of you tells me I should've sent frodo on the eagles I'm asking iluvatar to take me back

( 1,930 notes )

📖 booknerdofbree Follow

recent read: there and back again: a hobbit's tale by bilbo baggins

I thought this was SOOO fun and cute! I'm usually not into rpf but did anyone else think there was something between bilbo and thorin? 👀 I can't be the only one who saw it. but the ending made me cry my eyes out.

4.5/5 stars

#booklr #there and back again #bilbo baggins #recent read #dark academia #light academia #book review

( 12 notes )

🌲 elvenking69 Follow

who up mirking they wood

( 58,274 notes )

🐛 manofsirith Follow

wtf the new king of gondor just bowed to these four random short guys?? everyone else bowed too and I just went along with it lmao 😅 am I missing something????

#this is right after he sang a song and made out with some hot elf chick #truly the wildest coronation i've ever been to

( 85 notes )

🥵 firstagebaddiebracket Follow

ULTIMATE HOTTEST FIRST AGE BADDIE TOURNAMENT FINALS!!!!

🔘 haldir-deactivated30190303

here y'all go again pitting two bad bitches against each other

🌀 aragornsbigtoe Follow

🌊 helcaraxebaby Follow

everyone who voted galadriel is a kinslayer apologist #luthiensweep

( 4,271 notes )

🔥 beaconboi Follow

fuck my job so much. everyone manifest an attack on gondor so I can finally warm my fingers on this beacon fire.

🔥 beaconboi Follow

by eru this can't be happening

( 38,386 notes )

[lonelyoakenshield]

Every day I wake up and regret how many concerts I missed because my dad didn’t like me listening to “worldly” music like, I just wanted to go to warped tour but nooooo and now I won’t even have the chance again

[theglassofmiddleearth]

Imagine breaking the dwarves out of the dungeons of The Woodland Realm.

Ori: "We're never gonna reach the mountain are we?" *He laments*

Bilbo: "Not stuck in here, you're not." *Jingles the keys*

Y/N appears, eating a cake?

Y/N: "Didya know they were having a feast? Bloody good food they have. And the wine! You guys want any? I think I can go-"

Balin: "Bilbo!"

*All erupt into excited chatter*

Y/N: "Wha- What am I? Chopped liver?"

*Munches angrily*

Kili: "It's okay Y/N I'll share with you!"

Fili: "Yeah, come on give us some!"

*Y/N grins and breaks the cake into three pieces.*

Bilbo: "Shh! There are guards nearby!"

*One by one they escape down to the cellar.*

Bofur: "You're suppose to be leading us OUT! Not further in!"

Bilbo: "I know what I'm doing."

Bofur: "Shh!"

Bilbo: "Into the barrels! Quickly now."

Dwalin: "Are you mad? They'll find us."

Bilbo: "No no, they won't I promise you. Please, please you must trust me"

Thorin: "Do as he says."

*They clamber in and Y/N stays out.*

Y/N: "Go Bilbo. into the barrel with Thorin quickly."

Thorin: "Y/N, what are you-"

Y/N: "I will see you at the gate."

Balin: "What gate?"

Y/N: "Hold your breath everyone."

*Y/N pulls the lever and they are all dropped into the river.*

Y/N: "Well, that was fun! Now, let's play some hide and seek shall we?"

*Y/N slips past the guards and out of the palace and up into the light. They spot the dwarves in the river and begins her run towards them*

Legolas: "Shut the gate" (in Sindarin)

Y/N: "No no! Don't do that!"

The guards look at her strangely before beginning to shut the gate.

*Y/N groans and mumbles*

Y/N: "This is gonna hurt like a bitch isn't it. Where's Tauriel when you need her. Stupid world doesn't even have her in it. Stupid movie made me think she was an actual character"

*She huffs while running towards the gate*

Y/N "ORCS! WATCH OUT!"

*A guard is stuck by an arrow.*

Y/N: "Fucks sake."

*The Orcs rampage through the top of the closed gates, persuing fights with the Elven guards.*

Bofur: "Orcs! Watch out!"

Bolg: "Slay them all" (Dark Speech)

*Y/N fires an arrow at him, striking him in the arm*

Y/N: "Take a shower, you STINK."

*Y/N runs towards the fighting dwarves.*

*Kili spots the lever to open the gate.*

Y/N: "NO, STAY PUT. DON'T MOVE KILI."

*Y/N dashes towards him while he gets up to pull the lever.*

Y/N: "NO."

*Bolg pulls out Y/N's arrow from his arm and draws his own, notching it in his bow. He aims it at Kili.*

Y/N: "KILI."

*Y/N lunges towards Kili, pushing him out of the way, the arrow strikes her through the leg. With a gasp she doubles over, clutches onto the lever and pulls it down.*

Y/N: "Ah, fuck."

A/N

For continuance sake, don't read ahead if you want to follow the normal story line. However if you wish to read this as a separate imagine read ahead!

*She gasps and struggles to stand. She bites down on her lip and forces the arrow out, snapping off the feathered end and pulling it out. Kili drags her over the edge of the gate and Y/N slips into a barrel with him below*

Kili: "Y/N! Y/N I'm so sorry I should have listened I-"

Y/N cries out in pain as they tumble down the stream, each knock jolting her wound.

Y/N: "Apologies later. Escape now."

*The company battles the Swarm of Orcs from the stream whilst drifting down the stream, aided by Legolas and his army.*

Thorin: "Anything behind us?"

Nori: "Not that I can see!"

Bofur: "I think we've out run the Orcs."

Thorin: "Not for long. We've lost the current."

Dwalin: "Bombur's half drowned."

Thorin: "Make for the shore! Come on let's go!."

Øin: "Glóin, help me brother."

Kili: "Y/N is hurt. Her leg needs binding."

Y/N Groans quietly before answering.

Y/N: "I'm fine. Not able to die, Just hurts. Better me than Kili. Orc pack on our tail, Need to..

*Y/N grits her teeth*

Need to keep moving."

Thorin: "To where? There's a lake between us and that mountain you need that rest."

Y/N: "A barge, a man will have a boat. Help me up, I'll show you the way. Let's go."

*Kili and Fili lift her up and they hobble away.*

Y/N: "I should do this more often if it means two pretty men will carry me."

Thorin: "I think not. Next time, I will carry you over my shoulder and you will have no say."

*Y/N blinks owlishly.*

[casually-eat-my-soul]

Dumbass thought:

Bilbo stays in the mountain. He still communicates to his family in the shire. He regularly talks about them to thorin + company and other dwarves end up overhearing a few things, specifically about his cousin who’s having her 6th kid.

Cue the dwarves being so confused, becuase what does he mean?? Dwarves are lucky to have one child never mind six. And Bilbo goes on to talk about how hobbit families are really big and how they have the blessing of yavanna.

This however get miscommunicated around the mountain and the dwarves start to believe that hobbits can bless fertility. One darrowdam goes up to Bilbo to ask for his blessing for a child. She has always wanted one but she has never been able to carry to term. Bilbo doesn’t realize what’s happening yet, so he gives his blessing. He checks up on her during the pregnancy, giving her special teas and foods. (This just makes the rumours worse, as the dwarves believe that this is some kind of ritual) She carry to full term and gives birth to a boy.

And volia Bilbo becomes the patron saint of fertility in the mountain. He is confused. Kili and Fili are in awe, their uncle is a god. Thorin is smug as fuck, especially after a couple of elves hear about this and travel to the mountain for his blessing.

Bilbo gets a fierce guard of darrowdam warrior who would defend the consort until they die. Every babe that gets born under bilbos blessing considers him 1/4 their parent. He loves all of them. Fili and Kili have to fight for his attention

[teensy-ghoul]

There are 2 things about Thorin that I think about constantly

1. The fact that he's nearsighted. I believe it's canon in the Tolkien universe that dwarves just can't see that good far away. But Thorin especially. In the book, Fili and Kili have good eyesight because theyre young. In the movie Thorin lost his way to Bilbo's house TWICE because he couldn't see the symbol on the door. This man is blind as fuck, give his man a prescription

2. The harp. The fucking harp dude. They should've kept the instruments in the movie. The music is what made Bilbo want to join them. Thorin playing the harp especially makes me feel things. Man is a rugged dwarf king, but he plays THE HARP??? An elegant gentle instrument that takes a light hand to play. We should've seen him play the harp in the film. Pleaseee

[aures-fantasy-nook]

Hobbit/LOTR characters when their s/o is upset with them

yes i'm reusing this trope and i dont care its easy-- also lmk if u want more characters and which onessss :3

requests are open (seriously please give me ideas)

Thorin

honestly

his reaction is so dependant on when you're upset with him

if its during the journey he will notice right away

he refuses to go to bed angry at each other

he makes time for you guys to talk every night

if its during his dragon sickness bit

yeah

no

he doesn't give a single shit

telling him that you're upset doesn't even do anything except make him mad

like you're wasting his time

AND

not looking for the stone so like

what the fuck are you doing

if we're talking like after the war

everybody lives au ofc

it probably takes him a little while to notice that you're upset if you don't flat out say anything

he's just slightly busy rebuilding a kingdom

honestly when he does notice or when you tell him

he feels bad

he decides it's time for a break

even if it's just for an hour or two

will take you through the halls just to talk through things

or he'll sit and have tea with you

honestly whatever you wanna do he's down

you are his only priority

if only for an hour

Fili

i would say that he's probably pretty in tune with your emotions

hes a sweet dwarf

will make you tea because he knows your upset

sometimes forgets that hes a little shit

like doesnt realise that things he does can make people upset

let alone you

right over his head

you will have to sit him down and talk with him

he will feel bad immediately

will apologize

offers to make it up to you in any way he can

I feel like if this happens after like the battle and the reclaiming of his future kingdom

he might be a bit busy

but he wants to sit and talk to you every night before bed

even if its just for a few minutes

so when you went to bed without him one night

oh he knows he messed up

theres no way to misinterpret that

will wake you up with kisses and apologies

even if he doesn't know what he is apologizing for

hes just a big sweetie

Kili

sweet boy

another kind of clueless one

id assume that you probably get upset at him sometime during the journey

while yes he is sweet

he can be kind of neglectful without meaning to be

he feels like he has to prove himself to his uncle because he is different from the other dwarves.

has a lot on his mind

i feel like he deffo neglects your relationship at times bc of it

which is why you pulled back

not pushing for affection as much as you did before

letting him get himself into bad situations

reminding him to eat/sharpen his sword

setting up his bedroll while he goes off to help with camp set up

it takes him a couple days to realize something is off

bc he totally doesnt realize how much you're actually looking out for him

it hits him one night after dinner that his bed roll isnt set up? and its not next to you? and you're already asleep?

wait when did he actually sit down and talk to you last?

doesn't sleep that night, just sits and watches you while thinking back on the past like week

as soon as you wake up he's by your side and asking if you guys could take a walk before the journey starts for that day

you agree

he immediately starts apologizing and explaining himself

i think the best way to deal with it is to like

have a nice sit down and talk it out

maybe not right at that moment but

eventually you guys have a long talk where you both talk about how you're feeling with the relationship and just emotionally and i think that solves a lot

like he lets u know just how insecure he is bc of how different he is

and you can talk about feeling neglected

at the end of it all he promises to put more effort but also wants you to know that you dont HAVE to do all those things for him to notice you/love you

very healthy tbh

[distinguisheddwarffriend]

I'm about 95% sure that Thorin is a virgin.

Just think about it, while still in Erebor he was for one very young & not of age for a dwarf and also s royal, so no fucking around cus no one wants roysl bastards & it's not "seemly" and he's never really alone.

Then, after Smaug, he kind of had other things to do? Once of age he was already a king, can't just fuck around then either, and also he had to find and build a new home, so there's no time or mental nor emotional capacity for hooking up let alone love.

And with the years he builds this wall around himself to protect his fragile lil heart and let's no one close enough & is used to always expecting the worst from people, meaning seeing ulterior motives in every possible advance.

So yeah, Thorin is a blushing virgin, had maybe not even kissed someone, and the company tones down their dirty stories around him because they think his frown to be angry and about being "improper", when in truth he is just really uncomfortable because he does not even know what some of those words mean.

Protect my precious baby king & give him LOVE!!!

[ohmtoff]

you made me think ab nerd nick too damn much its concerning. imagine jerking him off while he yaps ab his geeky stuff, stuttering and his words slurring when you squeeze around his tip

ANON…. youre actually my soulmate how did we think of the same thing (nsfw)

nerdy nick who’s far sighted so he regularly wears his glasses that make his eyes look bigger and just adorable. his wardrobe consists of graphic tees and hoodies that fit him awkwardly and his hair is most of the time disheveled.

nerdy nick whose budget goes to cosplay and comic con because those things are expensiveee and his brothers try their hardest to support him by helping him make the costumes (imagine nick unironically doing the anime hands thing around chris and matt and they try not to cringe LMFAOOOOO).

nerdy nick who yaps soooo much about his interests, from lord of the rings lore to his fav doctor from doctor who. i can just IMAGINE him making video essays complaining ab the new live action avatar series and how it doesnt hold up to the original series.

nerdy nick who’s the same sassy and witty guy as we know but he also puts that energy to defend his fav characters on the internet. best believe he has a stan account. many of his tattoos are dedicated to his comfort characters as well.

nerdy nick whose interests look innocent to others but behind closed doors he regularly reads and writes the most sheet gripping, back arching, toe curling smut about his fav fictional men. erwin from aot, thorin from the hobbit, ALL of jujutsu kaisen. he furiously stroked his dick to the thought of getting fucked dumb by nanami.

nerdy nick who acted normal and talks about regular stuff when he first met you but when he gets comfortable with you he immediately starts yapping. you think he’s just the most adorable thing when his eyes light up when talking about all his interests. you don’t even know what he’s talking about but your attention is hooked. nick, however, was used to people pretending to care about what he’s talking about so he stops himself.

“i’m sorry. ugh, i always talk too much, that was weird and boring”

“no, no, it’s fine. so… uruk-hais are bred between orcs and humans?”

nick wanted to suck your dick right then and there.

having sex with anime playing in the background was not rare between you two. one time, you both were watching an episode when you got distracted by how his tongue was peeking out with concentration. you noticed how fat his tongue was and how red his lips were. those same lips were wrapped around your cock not long after that. nick was gagging and moaning around it, his eyes bubbling up with tears streaming down his flushed cheeks as he jerked you off from the base. saliva would drip from his mouth, running down his chin as he struggled to take everything down. he was still wearing those same glasses, sliding down his nose from the sweat. he looks up at you with those big puppy eyes, tears running down his face. the sight makes you groan and shove your dick further into his throat. you thought he looked absolutely beautiful with cum streaks on his glasses.

nerdy nick who sometimes rambles too much and in these times you love teasing him. “come on, baby, tell me more,” you whispered to the back of his ear as he writhed and thrashed on your chest, pants gone and his swollen cock red and dripping as you squeezed the base. “time- time lords have two hearts, so,” he lets out a pathetic whine, “so the doctor never dies, he—mmnghh—they instead regenerate into a new body-AH-“ you squeeze and dug your thumb into his leaking tip. his chest heaves and he pants like a dog. “fu—uck, please, please, please. i wann- i wanna cum, oh please.” you think he deserves it so you quicken your strokes and let him cum. his mouth releasing unintelligible noises while those beautiful blue eyes go cross eyed.

nerdy nick who becomes your person and who you will go to endless comic cons with, watch a new series with, and who eventually will turn you into an even bigger nerd than he is😩🤞🏼

a/n: i wrote this without pause wtf

[rottencherrypie]

R-18+; Stress Relief (Sub!Thorin x Dom!Reader)

Summary - Thorin is stressed, you help him destress.

Warnings - Smut, language, Thorin pleading, whimpering (Thorin), handjob, male genitalia (Thorin), bodily fluids.

Pronouns & POV - None, third-person-ish

Word Count - 1,200+

A/N - I believe I wrote this as a birthday gift a few years ago for a dear friend of mine (*cough* *cough* buy The Dragons of Thaveil by Joy Rogers *cough*), I cannot remember if I posted it or not. Pure smut beneath the cut.

Read on AO3 Read on Wattpad

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

The familiar tune of deep, breathy moans danced across the dimly lit walls. The soft crackle of nearby fire nearly masked the squelching click that danced alongside the well-known harmony of the dwarven king's pathetic pleads.

A harmony that began to grow louder as the sturdy weight of his head sunk back into your chest, the lids of his sapphire eyes glued shut as he began to quiver.

A faint sheen of sweat glistened upon his forehead, his brows knitting together as his lips fell open. "Fuck." He gasped, feeling a familiar knot begin to weave within the pit of his stomach.

As his grip upon reality began to fade away, his grasp upon your forearm tightened - his nails embedding themselves into your skin with a bitter sting earning a hiss to grace your lips.

"Careful-" The heat of your breath caressed his ear, making a shiver roam down his spine. How cute. You could see why he enjoyed getting that reaction from you. "-or I will have to stop."

A pitiful whimper escaped his lips the moment the words slipped through yours, a whimper he attempted to mask with a groan, but it was no use - he was putty in your gentle hands.

"Please!" The word wavered upon his lips as he sucked in another shaky inhale, the muscles within his lower stomach clenching together tighter as your hand began to slow. "Please don't stop."

"Oh?" Your hand came to a halt at his plea, the corners of your lips curving upwards into a mischievous smile as the dwarven king began to whine. "And why shouldn't I?" You hummed, the heat of your breath grazing his neck. Your thumb slowly circled the aching tip of his cock as you awaited his response.

"Please, Y/N," Mindlessly bucking himself against your hand, his thick brows tightly knit together as his thrusts grew more desperate. "I need you." "Then beg for me."

The lids of his eyes slowly opened before he blinked up at you in shock, his sapphire-colored eyes completely glazed over with lust as he laid there within your grasp - mouth agape at your bold command. 

"Well? Go on then." A hiss escaped his thin lips as your loose grip upon his throbbing cock tightened, allowing you to feel every racing beat of his heart throughout it. "Beg."

"Please, Y/N." He groaned, sucking in the bitter winter air through his teeth as your hand slowly glid up his cock - torturously slow - before gliding down to the base. "Please don't stop...I'll be good."

The slight stinging tear of his nails escaping your soft skin allowed another low hiss to fall out of your lips. "I will do anything you want just, please-" The word stumbled upon his lips as he choked out a stuttered whine, his temporarily loose grip tightened around your arm as the muscles within his abs began to flutter. "Please let me cum. Please."

As the final whimpered word left his lips, your palm left his aching cock for a moment - making a pathetic whine echo dance throughout the quiet room before curling back around it again.

The weight of his head sunk further back into your chest as your hand slowly slid up and down his cock, gradually increasing in speed as your opposite hand roamed his toned body. Leaving a trail of quivering muscles behind as your smooth skin continued upon the lower path of his body.

"You look so pretty." The vibrations of your purred words sent another shiver down his spine and made his muscles tense further. Your hot breath caressed his neck as your movements gradually grew quicker, his hips mindlessly bucking upwards to match your touch as the lids of his sapphire eyes squeezed shut again.

"That's what you are, aren't you? My pretty boy." The blur of brunette hair bobbing made the smirk plastered upon your soft lips widen. The movement of your hand quickened as you traced mindless patterns with the opposite hand upon his lower abs, feeling the muscles tense alongside the familiar burn of his nails embedding into your arm again.

"Y/N, I can't-" "Then don't." You breathed into his neck, your lips hovering a breath above one of the most sensitive parts on him. "Cum for me. Now."

The entire weight of his head leaned into your chest, nearly knocking you into the bed, as the muscles within his lower abs tensed for a final time before releasing. A slew of whined moans fell out of his gaping lips as his body trembled against your touch as white, hot ropes gushed over your hand.

The dwarven king succumbed to pleasure as wave after wave wracked throughout his once tense body; the stresses of reality faded away as the only thing he could think of was the next wave ready to whisk him off again.

As he drifted away within the endless sea of pleasure, you began to press gentle kisses upon the crook of his neck - enjoying every pathetic whimper that slipped out of his parted lips due to it.

"There you go, my love. I've got you." You hummed against his neck as your grasp upon his softened cock released, earning a displeased whimper from him. "I've got you."

The pair of you stayed there in silence for a few moments as you admired your lover's trembling body within your sturdy arms. The smooth tips of your clean fingers softly traced every indent the golden hues put on display as the beautiful image of your lover safe within your grasp, in such a manner, burned into your mind.

"Thank you, amrâlimê." He breathed, the corners of his thin lips curving upwards into a blissful grin as he freed your arm from his grasp. The tips of his calloused fingers grazing over the small wounds he caused as an unspoken apology.

"Do you feel better now, Thorin?" The tone of your voice softened as you moved your clean hand up to cradle the side of his face. "Much." He hummed as he turned his head, pressing a soft kiss into your palm before allowing you to cradle his cheek.

"Now...about that anything-" "No." He stated as he lifted his head from your soft embrace, the bed creaking under his shifting weight as he slid off the bed.

"You do not know what I was going to ask for!" A low chuckle echoed throughout the room as the dwarven king stumbled to the bathroom only to return as quickly as he had left. "We shall discuss your payment another day, but for now-" He began, his calloused hands softly wiping away the white ropes that covered your hand.

"-I want to relax like a wise person has been nagging me to." His beard softly tickled your cheek as he pressed a kiss upon it, tossing the towel aside to be dealt with later before laying beside you upon the soft furs.

The sturdy weight of his head once again rested into your chest as you two lay there in peaceful silence. Not needing to speak a single word of your love for another as the warmth within the air expressed it more than any word could ever say.

──────

"I am not a nag." "Yes, you are." The king muttered, raising his head from your chest. "But you are my nag."

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

[schrijverr]

Thorin wanting to be a good uncle to his nephews post-loss of the Lonely Mountain, but he’s traumatized as fuck (naturally) and suddenly responsible for his people. So, he just seems like this very cold and intimidating figure that baby Fili and Kili are kind of scared off. However, then Dís gets sick or has to travel and Thorin is left in charge of them and it’s very awkward at the start, but then they realize he’s just a big softie under there and then it’s over. This man is now their favorite person and they will bother him during all hours of the day (he loves it). Just stoic Thorin in a meeting while Fili and Kili are being menaces around him.

[serregon]

what your favorite Tolkien ship says about you

Sam/Frodo - looking back on your childhood, you can pinpoint Lord of the Rings as the beginning of your crippling addiction to soft gay cottagecore

Aragorn/Legolas - you still have that poster of Orlando Bloom from a tiger beat magazine that you taped to your bedroom wall when you were 10

Legolas/Gimli - you are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of height differences

Aragorn/Boromir - you are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of dying tragically, like if you cry every time

Aragorn/Arwen - your ideal date involves being carried off into the sunset by a buff man who drinks nothing but respect women juice

Eowyn/Faramir - you spend your days panhandling outside Peter Jackson’s house for footage of the deleted wedding scene

Eowyn/Merry - you saw Eowyn stabbing the witch king and you were like, “god I wish that were me”

Arwen/Eowyn - your ideal relationship dynamic is just girls being friends, gals being pals

Elrond/Celebrian - you just want good things for Elrond, and really, who wouldn’t?

Galadriel/Celeborn - you were thrilled when “Barbie is everything, he’s just Ken” became the hot new meme

Sam/Rosie - you are heterosexual

Galadriel/Sauron - you are extremely heterosexual

Bilbo/Thorin - you have written at least one fix-it fic where Thorin and Bilbo raise baby Frodo together

Thranduil/Bard - you’re just here for the dilfs

Thranduil/Thorin - your ideal relationship dynamic is that one meme that’s like “fuck you” “fuck me yourself, you coward”

Melkor/Sauron - your addiction to edgy boys got so bad that one day you were like “hey you know what’s better than one edgy boy? two edgy boys”

Maedhros/Fingon - you have a thirty page google doc citing HoME quotes that you incest—I mean insist—are proof that Maedhros and Fingon are Gil-galad’s true parents

Fëanor/Nerdanel - you have gotten into at least three heated internet arguments with people who think Fëanor is a fascist

Celebrimbor/Annatar - your ideal date involves getting pinned up against the wall by your sworn enemy as they place the tip of their sword just underneath your chin and then use it to tilt your head up a little

Celebrimbor/Narvi - half of you are coming here from shipping gimleaf, half of you just want Annatar to get eiffel towered

Túrin/Beleg - you are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of the “I’ll cut your throat” “you’re beautiful” scene from Princess Mononoke

Haleth/Caranthir - you’re always a slut for MEN! GETTING! PEGGED!

Glorfindel/Ecthelion - your ideal relationship dynamic is verified himbo, certified morosexual

Maglor/Daeron - you are a film believer in the inherent eroticism of dramatic breakup songs

Beren/Lúthien - you are J. R. R. Tolkien

[betyloca]

giant cat and little mouse

summary: you are a were jaguar who joined Thorin's company thanks to Gandalf but a certain hobbit always follows you like a shadow

you were escaping with the dwarves from the orcs you ran as fast as you could some of the dwarves were fighting them until they surrounded them you looked behind you you saw bilbo who was hiding behind you he looked scared you put an arm in front of him in a protective manner

you saw some grubs approaching showing their teeth you noticed that gandalf found a cave that would take them to Riverdale you looked at bilbo saying

y/n: Bilbo, when I distract them, run to the cave.

Bilbo: What?

y/n: run just run

you told him you started running towards the guargos while you transformed into a jaguar you pounced on them biting and scratching them you saw how bilbo ran to the cueba

You began to finish them one by one until more began to arrive "fuck" you thought until you heard a sound and arrows began to shoot at the bows and guargos you saw elves fighting with them until they left

An elf saw you and pointed an arrow at you. You growled at him in warning.

elrond: stop she is not a danger

guard: but it's a beast

Elrond: It's not, she is y/n.

approaching said while examining some scratches on your back.

Elrond: You were hurt, we will take you to Riverdale.

He said, stroking your head as he headed to his horse to head to Riverdale. You followed them even in your jaguar form. You couldn't transform into a human. You still didn't have any clothes.

Hacecandoce said while examining some scratches on your back.

When you arrived you saw the dwarves, the hobbit and Gandal safe, which relieved you.

They were on guard when they noticed the elves, but even more so when they saw you clearly, you forgot to tell them that you were turning into a jaguar.

gloin: what creature is that?

balin: it's a jaguar

Fili: Why would they bring him?

You began to move while you saw how they looked at you with fear except for the hobbit, he began to move slowly while you stayed still.

Oín: Bilbo, what are you doing?

Thorin: Bilbo come back here

He didn't pay attention. He stayed looking at you until he placed his hand on your face. You looked at it, resting your head on it. He smiled, caressing you while you purred.

Bilbo: It's Y/N.

Kili: What?

Bilbo: I saw her turn into a jaguar

Gandalf: It's true, she is a were jaguar.

~~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~

It was night you were walking through the gardens without being able to sleep you were looking at the stars your wounds had been healed you were wearing a dress that they had lent you you were deep in thought when you felt a familiar smell you hid behind a column when you noticed Bilbo coming out of his room hiding looking for you you stood behind him whispering to him

y/n: who are you looking for, my beautiful prey?

Bilbo jumped in fright, turning around to look at you nervously.

Bilbo: I just walked to no one

y/n: okay

You said passing by him as you walked, he followed you in silence until you reached a bench where you sat down.

y/n: sit down or do you plan to stand

He sat next to you while playing with his fingers.

y/n: and tell me what you plan to do next

Bilbo: After what?

y/n: from this adventure

He looked at you thoughtfully.

Bilbo: I didn't think about it and you?

y/n: I don't know either

Bilbo: well if you want you can come to my house and we could have tea

you giggled

y/n: okay that sounds good

They remained silent until he spoke again.

Bilbo: Does it hurt when you transform?

You looked at him he seemed a little worried.

y/n: no when it was the first time yes but not now

he let out a sigh

y/n: you know, I have never seen a creature that was not afraid of me, men, dwarves, even elves are afraid of me, but a little hobbit was not afraid of me, that is having courage.

Bilbo: why value?

You started to make him care more while you made him feel smaller than he was.

y/n: make you face a beast that you know very well would tear you to pieces in a few seconds and no one could help you.

You said as you saw how nervous he was and the blush that appeared on his cheeks.

Bilbo: And if the beast decides not to hurt me

you leaned into his ear, whispering to him

y/n: well you would be very lucky if it didn't touch you with its claws.

You said, letting out a growl as you ran your claw-like nails along his neck and up to his cheek. He shuddered, letting out a gasp.

You started to like how nervous he got

y/n: although I think you like that, that's not the case, my little prey.

You looked at him, you saw how blushing he was, he was a mess of nerves as you put your hand on his neck, caressing him with your claws.

y/n: or am I wrong?

Bilbo: Yes, I would like to.

You made yourself kiss his cheek until you reached his lips and he let out a gasp.

You continued kissing him until you separated from him you saw him gasping for air he looked at you blushing.

Y/N: You are such a cute little thing, you know that.

Bilbo: Yes

He said looking at the ground without wanting to see your gaze. You took it in your hands looking at it as if you were going to devour it.

Y/N: You know my little mouse wouldn't hurt you.

you said kissing him again without letting go this time.

You didn't know why you liked how nervous you made him but you suspected it was your mating season.

[smoking-old-toby]

what if thranduil found bilbo's ring on the battlefield after bofta. and bilbo doesn't even notice because he's too busy co-ruling erebor and fucking thorin all the time. and thranduil's just like im so sick of these fucking spiders dragons orcs and shit. if you want something don't right you have to do it yourself, so

thranduil: bard, I'll be back soon. legolas is going to take care of things while I'm gone

bard: wait, where are you going?

thranduil: oh, i just need to drop The Enemy's ring into Mount Doom real quick

bard: ??? the fuck ???

thranduil: really, bard, there's no need to worry

bard: yeah, no. i'm coming with you, you crazy elf bastard

bard ends up carrying the ring bc it starts messing with thranduil, so they take turns. and many years later they sail West together <3

[crowrelli]

"By the time Thorin pulled away, Bilbo’s eyes lazily opened, leaning forward wondering just where that delightful and aggressive tongue had gone only to be completely dumbstruck. There, sitting between Thorin’s teeth, was a cherry stem…one that had been not only stolen from Bilbo’s mouth, but tied into a little knot as Bilbo alone couldn’t accomplish. Bilbo was sure he would burst into flame in about two seconds as Thorin’s grin reached those offending blue eyes. It was a grin of confidence, and Bilbo was more than happy to bend to that confidence in any way Thorin wanted him to. He was officially hot and bothered."

back at it again with another wonderful commission for @lordoftherazzles!!! if you like one night stands, cherry stems, and ✨spice✨ check out their fic Fuck Thy Neighbor!!