#he just wants to be seen as someone who is better (braver and kinder specifically for this fic) than who he percieves himself to be!

[hideyseek]

oughhhhhh unlocking new and painful shen wei characterization thoughts while i figure out this last scene of the pride fic

[punkpoemprose]

December 3rd-A Union

Universe: Canon (Post Frozen 2)

Rating: G (General, this is very fluffy!)

Length: 3851 Words

A/N: Can you say “troll wedding redux”? You knew I had to do it, right? We couldn’t get all this new beautiful gorgeous content without me taking another crack at a wedding fic. We’re truly living in the best time KA fans.

By the dark of night, a wagon slipped through the streets of Arendelle. In the front seat sat a couple holding hands and leaning together closely. The reindeer pulling them knew the way and needed no guidance, the silence of the night was undisturbed by the soft clomp of his hooves on the cobblestones and by the rolling of the wheels. No one stirred or thought twice of the pair as they left the city and road for the cliffs and up further into the forest that sat below Arendelle’s mountains. Save, of course for one man out late, who gave the pair a glance but little more.

“Are you sure that this is what you want?” the man asked gently placing his hand on the side of the woman’s face once they were far from the city. He had pulled a blanket tightly around her, keeping the summer night’s chill from settling into her bones.

“I’ve never been so sure of anything,” she answered as they continued into the night together.

***

The affair was anything but solemn. It was assuredly not like any wedding she had ever seen before she met him. She knew that some weddings were happy, but the aristocratic ones she had experienced as a child were deeply somber affairs with little rejoicing and more politics than celebration. Here, however, as she was being dressed in a cloak of moss and a crown of crystals over the simple white gown she’d had made for just this purpose, she found joy and merriment surrounding her on all sides.

“You look lovely your majesty,” a small rock troll called from somewhere close to her feet. A young one, whose name she had yet to be told.

“Thank you,” she said softly, “But please call me Anna, we’ll be family soon.”

“You’re already family,” Bulda replied, reaching up from her place stacked upon sisters and aunts and cousins and other female relatives to tuck Anna’s hair behind her ear with a practiced gentleness. For all the ways in which she differed from Iduna, species perhaps being the most obvious, Anna was glad to call the troll family, to call her a mother of sorts.

“You are,” a familiar voice called from behind.

As she turned Anna watched Elsa step into the clearing from the forest’s edge. She’d dispatched word of tonight’s plan to her just a few short days before, and she was happy to see that her sister was able to make it.

“Elsa!” a few of the younger trolls ran to her gleefully and were rewarded with a pat on the head before the woman set back off on her course to her sister’s side.

“The Northuldra send their unofficial congratulations and anxiously await sending an emissary for the royal wedding. I had to talk Ryder and Honeymaren into staying behind until next week. You should have seen Ryder’s face, he really wanted to know what a troll wedding looked like.”

Anna laughed at her sisters words and stretched out her arms to embrace her. It hadn’t been as if she hadn’t just seen her a few days before, but now that they were living apart, she always looked forward to seeing her sister.

Elsa, of course stepped up immediately and threw herself into the embrace. Anna couldn’t imagine anything better than having her sister there with her, surrounded by other key members of her found family.

“I’m so happy you could make it!” Anna said, kissing her sister’s cheek before releasing her from the hug. She knew of course that Elsa would always come when she called for her, as quickly as Gale’s wind could bring a letter and as fast as Nokk’s legs could carry them across the border, but seeing Elsa enter the valley was the final weight she needed to lift from her shoulders.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world Anna. I’m so happy for you both.”

Anna watched as Elsa scanned the space for Kristoff, he was of course, getting his own troll treatment on the other side of the valley, obscured by boulders from their current location. She flushed thinking about him, Kristoff had been so thrilled when Anna had been the one to suggest a troll wedding, and when she had decided that it needed to come before their royal wedding he’d kissed her with such zeal she would have fallen back without his arms readily catching her and pulling her tight to him.

She wanted to marry him in front of their families and no one else. It wasn’t an option for a Queen to have a private wedding, and she knew that it would bring too much joy to her people to have a small closed ceremony, and as such the idea of absconding to the woods with Kristoff by the cover of night to have their troll wedding was equal parts thrilling and deeply satisfying. She’d have a secret no one knew when they watched her court wedding, she and Kristoff and their family and close friends would be able to spend the day reveling in the fact that the pair was, in fact, already wed.

“May I?” Elsa asked her sister, looking down at the simple white gown she was wearing. Anna had selected it specifically for the fact that it was simple and unadorned, knowing for a fact that upon seeing her in it, Elsa would contribute her own magic to the evening.

She nodded enthusiastically, “I was hoping you’d ask.”

Grinning broadly, in a way that had been all too rare to see when she had been Queen, Elsa flicked a hand out towards her dress and Anna found with little shock, but plenty of glee, that her sister had covered her simple gown with small ice flowers.

She couldn’t help but smile in return when Elsa took in her work and looked up to her tearily, “You’re a beautiful bride Anna.”

Anna felt tears form in her own eyes and the adoring oohs and ahs of the trolls admiring the additional work Elsa had provided were not enough to drown out her sniffle.

“No! No crying on your wedding day!” Elsa said, sniffling in return, “If you cry I’m going to cry and Bulda…”

She trailed off and Anna knew it was because, of course, the female troll was, with her relatives, already wiping away tears.

“Too late,” Anna said sheepishly, letting a few tears fall from the corners of her eyes. Her chest was tight, but it was because her heart was full. She had imagined her wedding a hundred times as a child, she’d imagined the dashing Princesses she’d wed and how pretty they would all look in their finery. But now, standing in a gown covered in ice flowers, her shoulders draped with moss and crystals, and her sister in her white “goddess” gown, surrounded by loving family and friends, knowing that she was about to marry a man kinder, braver, and more loving than any Prince, she knew all of her imaginings were put to shame.

“I suppose,” Elsa said, opening her arms for another embrace which Anna walked into gladly, “a few happy tears couldn’t hurt.”

***

Kristoff smiled broadly as Cliff placed the crown of sticks on his head. It felt good to have this wedding to share with his family, and he couldn’t deny the perks of a wedding where he only needed to wear his shirt and trousers along with the traditional wear rather than a full fitted suit. The fact that this was all Anna’s idea made his heart swell. She’d wanted to marry him before their public wedding, she’d wanted to share a tradition with him.

He couldn’t help but to think back to how far they’d come from the first time they were in the valley together, preparing for the same ceremony under completely different circumstances. That Anna was on the other side of the valley from him, obscured from his view by boulders, getting ready to marry him was something he still could scarcely believe.

“Oh Kristoff my boy, you have no idea how long we’ve been waiting for this day.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle, his adoptive father looking up at him from his place stacked on the shoulders of other family members. Nothing about this, he thought, was likely how Anna imagined her wedding day, but he had always known just how his family expected this to go for him, whether or not they ever believed he would find someone to love was a different story of course, but they all seemed so happy to watch it happen. That they loved Anna too was something that brought him immense pride and joy.

“I don’t know if I should say you clean up nice or…?”

Kristoff grinned and turned to the side, seeing a familiar woman break into the men’s space. He supposed she was welcome to do so, even if she was no longer the Queen, she still commanded immense power, and who was anyone to try to stop her? Not that anyone seemed to be making a move to do so. She was family as well, and welcome to engage in the rules or break them as she saw fit.

“Well the moss and sticks doesn’t exactly give the illusion of “clean” does it?” he asked in return as some of the youngest trolls reached up to her so that they would receive small touches and flakes of snow from Elsa. She was well loved in the valley. The magic in her spoke to the trolls just as it did to the forest’s elements and combining that with the fact that she was family meant that the youngest were entirely unable to keep themselves from seeking her attentions and affections.

That she gave them so willingly was another reason Kristoff loved and respected his soon to be sister-in-law. She was already, of course, family to him. She had been since he and Anna began their courtship.

“Well you look nice,” she said gesturing to his regalia, “Mind if I give you a little something extra?”

Kristoff shook his head and smiled, “Elsa, ice is my life. How could I say no?”

She snorted when she laughed, and Kristoff in return chuckled. She looked like she’d just been crying, and it was all he needed to know that she’d gone to see Anna first. The ceremony was to begin very soon, so he fully expected her to return to her sister in short order.

With a grin and a flick of her wrist Kristoff found that pinned to his shirt, just over his heart and only slightly obscured by his moss cape, was an ice flower.

“It’s perfect Elsa, thank you!”

She nodded pleasantly and he opened his arms to embrace her. They’d grown close over the years, their relationship becoming something that he could trust in. She was Anna’s sister, but in a lot of ways she was like the sibling he’d never had. They shared a sense of humor in a lot of things, and their love for Anna was only rivaled by the other’s. Despite how refined she always seemed to be and how rough he knew he was, they’d been able to create a meaningful bond.

She squeezed him tightly before they both let go of the other.

“I have to get back to Anna before things start, but I wanted to say that I’m so happy this is how you two chose to do this. It reminds me of the stories Anna used to invent when she was little about forests and princes and trolls.”

“We’re happy too!” Cliff replied, gesturing for Elsa to come close. She giggled as the old troll pressed a kiss to her cheek, “Welcome to the family officially Elsa.”

She reached a handout to the troll and one to Kristoff, squeezing them both as she said her thanks and returned to her sister.

“Ready?”

Kristoff nodded to the group of trolls around him, his family, and felt his heart race as they started rolling around him, indicating that it was in fact time for him to get moving.

He was about to marry the love of his life.

***

Anna’s heart raced when she saw Kristoff walking towards her. She wanted to break out into a run, to leap into his arms instead of calmly walking to meet him in the middle of the valley as she was meant too. She tried to keep her breathing even, to put one foot in front of the other in measured steps.

He was handsome, as he always was, but seeing him in the troll regalia, as she had nearly three years to the day before, made her tear up again. They’d done this once before, but this time it was really happening. She was going to marry Kristoff Bjorgman, her best friend, the man who loved her unconditionally and in the ways she’d always dreamed of being loved.

She only hoped that she would be the wife he deserved, she would do everything she could to be what he needed, though she suspected that she only needed to be herself in order to do so. She was still learning to love herself in a lot of ways, but seeing the way he did it so effortlessly over the past three years had helped her immensely. Kristoff loved her, and she loved him. His love was not fragile, and neither was hers. She would love him with all that she was because it was what he deserved.

He was looking at her like she hung the stars, or like he would reach out and catch them for her if only she asked. He often looked at her that way, but today it was special. She couldn’t help but appreciatively take him in in return. Seeing him comfortable in his skin, looking every bit like a prince of the forest, she couldn’t help but to think that maybe every fairytale she’d read as a child had prepared her for this day. He was her happily ever after, and he was quickly approaching her.

When they reached the center of the valley she saw Pabbie waiting for them standing on a raised stone dais above a hole in the ground which was partially covered with a moss and mushroom covered arch. Kristoff offered her his hand and as she took it she felt butterflies in her stomach.

“You look beautiful,” he whispered as he helped her gently, one hand on her back, into the hole and followed her in with ease.

She flushed and she could hardly take her eyes off his eyes to look at Pabbie as he started to address them and the accumulated crowd of trolls, humans, reindeer, and magical snowmen. She knew Kristoff meant it whenever he said anything to her, he wasn’t one to say anything he didn’t mean, but she could see adoration in his eyes, and in the tight space they’d lowered themselves into, his hand still holding hers closely, she could feel it too.

“Thank you,” she whispered back, “You’re handsome as ever.”

When she saw him blush, she nearly giggled. He always went red when she complimented him, and she thought she’d never tire of his reactions to her affections. After three years of being together she doubted that being married would affect the way they interacted at all, except of course, it might allow them to be a little more bold in public. That, she was certainly looking forward to.

“I’m so happy we’re doing this,” she whispered to which he nodded in return.

“Me too,” his voice was so low it was barely a whisper. Anna wondered if anyone noticed that they were in their own world, because try as she might to focus on what Pabbie was saying, all she could do was focus on Kristoff.

His fingers were running gently over her knuckles, a comforting gesture that told her that while he was just as ready to say “I do” as she was.

She heard Pabbie clearing his throat and when she looked up to him he was smiling at them expectantly. She couldn’t help but give a little giggle when Kristoff realized they’d been caught making eyes instead of listening. From the smiles she saw around them though, she knew no one was holding it against them.

“Your vows?”

Kristoff nodded quickly and then turning back to her and squeezing her hand softly, he began to speak.

“Anna, for years I thought that I wasn’t made for loving someone. I never really thought much about being with someone, or what it would mean, but the day I met you, everything changed. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, you have so much love in your heart and so much life in your smile and because you’ve chosen to share that with me, I want to live everyday with you doing my best to be the man that you deserve.”

“You already are,” she said subtly, perhaps low enough that he could only hear her. It interrupted him for just a moment, but she was rewarded for it with the softest smile she’d ever seen him give.

“I will live every day, every moment I can being there for you Anna. I will catch you when you fall, I’ll cheer you through every success and hold you through every difficult moment. I promise you that no matter what happens in our lives, I’ll be there at your side because I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone.”

She felt the tears coming from her eyes before she could think to hold them back. She knew for a fact that she was an ugly crier, but Kristoff didn’t seem to mind, holding her hand even tighter and reaching up his other hand to gently wipe her tears away. He wasn’t rushing her, he was giving her all the time she needed before giving her vows in return. She squeezed his hand back, taking his sign of patience and love for comfort before doing her best to compose herself.

“Kristoff, when I was little I always dreamed of romance and I probably read too many stories about true love, but when I found you I realized that maybe the reason those dreams and stories exist to begin with is because true love is real, and I know now that it is, because that’s what you’ve given me. You’ve loved me through pain, through hardship, through fear, and I can never repay you for the many times you’ve saved me by being there, but I promise you that I will try my hardest, every single day to give you the same love and trust and feeling of safety that you’ve given me.”

“There’s nothing to repay,” he whispered in return, his thumb running over her knuckles lovingly.

She melted, leaning in even closer to him as she continued. “I promise to love you through every bump in the road, through every season, and to take every challenge in stride with you at my side. I promise that I will never let us go to sleep angry, that I’ll always make time for you and for us no matter how hard it seems to manage. I will always love you Kristoff, because you’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more.”

She heard Pabbie instruct them, heard the crying and the joyous murmuring of their assembled guests, but all she could focus on was that he was reaching into his pocket and drawing out a beautiful green crystal. It’s bottom was fractured, and she reached into the small pouch at her side, retrieving it’s mate and holding it’s fractured end out to him.

They were two halves of a whole, like the crystals they had been given for the ceremony. As he reached out, connecting them, she heard the trolls excitedly start to cheer, but even more so she heard Pabbie announce them husband and wife.

Kristoff, as always, didn’t seem to mind how quickly she closed the space between them. He always seemed to smile at her enthusiasm, and so when she kissed him, she could feel the soft upturn to his lips. His nose nudged gently against hers, and she felt his hand slide up the crystal until their fingers interlaced with the now magically whole and glowing gem closed inside their joined palms. She closed her eyes and pressed ever closer to him as his other hand slipped down her back.

***

Just before the first of dawn’s light a wagon rolled down the cobblestone streets of Arendelle. Everyone in town, either still asleep, or busying themselves with baking of the day’s bread and eating their breakfast, paid it little mind, save for a young girl peering out the window of her home.

“Mama! Papa!” she exclaimed as she watched the cart pass, “It’s the Queen! She’s with Mr. Bjorgman and their reindeer. They’ve come back from the woods!”

From the kitchen her mother sighed, “Now Leah my darling girl, again with the stories? You should be in bed still my little thing. What would the Queen possibly be doing riding into town at such an early hour.”

Leah smiled broadly, “They must’ve been out there kissing all night!”

She excitedly ran over to the small fainting couch in the corner of the room and collapsed on it dramatically, “They’re so in love!”

Her father chuckled, drinking his morning tea from his chair nearby, “That they are my dear, perhaps you’re right.”

His wife laughed in the kitchen, “Oh don’t encourage her Jakob, she’s already up in the clouds.”

He smiled setting down his teacup on the end table to walk over to where his daughter still lay sprawled out dramatically.

“We should all have our head in the clouds sometimes Birgit,” he called to his wife before stooping down to his daughter’s level to whisper in her ear, “Perhaps they were being married by the trolls? I read about such a thing in a storybook once when I was young like you my girl.”

Leah popped up from her reclined position excitedly, “Will you tell me about it Papa?”

“After breakfast!”

Jakob laughed and scooped his little girl into his arms. He certainly could not tell his wife that he had seen the couple head for the woods the night before. She’d never believe him either! She liked to think that their daughter got her romantic streak from him, but he thought that no one in Arendelle could possibly see the way in which Mr. Bjorgman, a humble ice harvester from the mountains, loved their Queen so purely and she him, without feeling at least a bit romantic themselves.

He kissed his daughter’s cheek and brought her with him to the kitchen to take their early breakfast. He only hoped that the royal couple, returning to the palace, would find as much joy in life as he had now found around his breakfast table.

[movetothesuburbs]

Let’s Talk About Carmen

The handling of trans people is one of the more contentious topics surrounding Sunny and I think it’s important to be mindful of how things are approached. 

And not that I should have to air out my personal identity or anything to make this discussion valid, I want to make it clear that I am trans. I’m not a trans woman, but I do come at this with a different perspective than some cishet person. (and i do actually mean cishet, not like... how assholes lump ace people into with cishet)

Bathroom Problem does show a lot more nuance on the subject and problems that are still prevalent with trans people, but I’m not going to focus on that. I do love the episode and I think the “I’m trans when I’m pooping” is the funniest thing I’ve heard in my life, but I want to focus less on the subtle commentary on trans people and focus more on explicit commentary. Namely Carmen.

I don’t want to brush past it, but I do want to get it out of the way that the amount they threw around the word “tranny” is... not good. RCG knows this. They’ve talked about it. I think it was Glenn, specifically, who said that if they could do it over, they’d have somebody in the group say that’s not an okay thing to say. Either way, it’s still out there. Either way, it’s the gang who looks like assholes when they say it regardless if someone else says something about it. It’s really just a personal thing how much it affects you. I’m not going to tell anyone to get over it. It just doesn’t bother me much. At all. 

So now that that’s all out of the way, let’s get into some actual discussion 

There’s a lot that’s been touched upon re: Mac’s internalized homophobia. (believe me, I’ve seen all the fanfics with that tag.) I’m sure I’m not the first person to say that the transphobia towards Carmen and Mac’s internalized homophobia are related. The show itself was. We see it all laid out both in “Mac Is A Serial Killer” and “Mac Fights Gay Marriage.” (Less so in “Charlie Has Cancer” but Mac’s discomfort with Carmen being trans is very apparent from the beginning) 

Gender and sexuality can be a tricky minefield to navigate. Mac would not be as attracted to Carmen were she a cis woman. This does not invalidate that she is a woman. Mac (as well as the rest of the gang) misgender Carmen a lot, especially in “Charlie Has Cancer.” That is really the crux of it: despite anything else, Mac 100% absolutely sees Carmen as a man. He can justify his attraction to her by saying that he thinks of her as a woman, but that’s just not true. His shame about sleeping with her (not helped by Dennis calling it “gross”) is as much to do with the way people view trans people and his own internalized homophobia. He double downs on this after Carmen gets married.

And that brings up religion. It’s what he retreats to when he doesn’t want to confront some harsh realities. It’s often bigoted and cruel the way he acts on it, but it’s something familiar he can grasp onto. It’s Mac saying “If I reject this part of myself and push that on others then I can be loved and I’ll be accepted.” I am not a particularly religious person myself, and I’ve certainly never been Catholic, but the belief that God/Jesus’ love is conditional can really fuck with a person. Especially with religions that are big on the shame aspect. (again, unrelatable. I’ve never felt shame about anything in my life) Mac even says outright in Bathroom Problem his sexuality and religion are “at war.” He’s projecting his own issues on others instead of dealing with the problem.

Carmen on the other hand is the most wonderful person in the world as far as I’m concerned. She exhibits a level of patience I would not have for these assholes. And part of that is that she has genuine affection for Mac. She liked him and wanted a relationship with him. When she tried and all he gave her in return was shame at best and outright transphobia at worst, she went and found something better. She knows what she deserves and it’s not Mac’s shitty behavior. Even after he calls her a man and says she’s in a gay marriage, she’s compassionate towards his inner conflict. She’s not going to let him get away with that behavior, but she’s much kinder to him about it than she should be, even pointing out that he should be looking inward to find his real issue with her marriage.

I don’t know what life is like for trans people in Philadelphia but Carmen is living her best life. She is free of any shame or doubt. She’s not going to hide who she is and she’s going to have fun playing pool and flirting and getting married and having a kid. Braver than any U.S. Marine. But more importantly than that: she’s the audience lens. Carmen is the normal person reacting to the freakshow that is the Gang. She reacts with much more grace and poise than I ever would (not to mention, picking Dee to be her surrogate? I would rather be childless) but she is, without a doubt, that glimpse into how normal people act and behave compared to the Gang. And it’s very important that her being trans has never been the butt of the joke. 

[kysaito]

Happy Three Years!

November 3, 2018

Dear Karis,

Happy 3rd birthday! 

(As usual, this post is coming a little late.)

This year, we celebrated your birthday at least 6 times. :)

The first was at Griffith Park with Uncle Kenny, Rosa, Auntie Alice, and Grandma Fely. We had a picnic, then went on the carousel, then on the train, then you rode on a pony! (A kid in front of us was scared to leave his mommy to go on the pony, but you let go of my hand and walked straight into the ring without a glance back – you were so excited!)

Then on your actual birthday we did everything just as you planned it (yes, you were very specific about what you wanted). Here’s a version of what you would say to me leading up to your birthday:

“I want to be Cinderella, and Mama will be Pocahontas, and Auntie Lyssa will be Jasmine, and Grandma Fely can be Snow White, and Dada can be the Prince. And all the kids will sing, ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Karis, happy birthday to you,’ like that, and then I’ll blow out my candles.”

You also mentioned wanting to go to Kid Space, and the day before your birthday, we went to eat dinner and played at a nearby arcade afterward, so you added a visit to the arcade to your birthday list, as well. And guess what… we did all that (and more!)

You and I went to IHOP for breakfast (we ordered the cupcake pancake combo), then I took you to preschool all dressed up in your Cinderella gown, glass slippers and all, then Grandma Jo brought strawberry cupcakes to school that she and Uncle B made (as you requested). You looked so happy and elegant, sitting there in the middle of the room at the table with the princess tablecloth, your friends sitting with you beaming excitedly – proud to be sitting at the same table as the birthday princess. After everyone sang happy birthday to you, you blew out your candles, then we packed up and went to Kidspace, then to dinner, then to the arcade, then back to our place – and you wore your Cinderella dress and crown proudly the whole time. At home, we had more cupcakes, then opened presents – so many princess presents!

You make me so proud, little Bear. I even made an Instagram post:

HBD, sweet Karis girl. You bring healing and light wherever you go and have made me braver, stronger, kinder, and just better. :) And you’ve helped me believe that tutus really can go with everything. Love you forever.

I love how brave and free you are. You seemed a little nervous as we were walking toward the classroom and I did start to worry that someone would say or do something to make you feel silly and want to change, or that maybe the teachers would have you change because your dress was too poofy to do activities or sleep during nap time. But when we returned at the end of the day for cupcake time, and I saw you sitting there surrounded by your friends, still in your dress, crown, and slippers, smiling proudly – I realized I didn’t need to worry about you at all. Aside from how beautiful you looked, what made me so proud was that I knew you feltbeautiful, and you weren’t letting self-consciousness or fear of what others might think keep you from soaking it all in.

One little girl even came up to me and told me she liked your dress, and a little boy came up to Grandma Jo and said he wanted to play with you, but that “Veda wouldn’t let me.” (Veda is your preschool BFF.)

We also celebrated with our small group and with Grandpa and Estella! And Kyrie and Auntie Danes took you out for a movie and ice cream, too. :) 

So let’s have a talk…about everything that happened since I last wrote! 

(You love starting conversations like that – “Let’s have a talk, Mama” – as you pat the seat beside you.)

You started preschool!

The biggest thing is probably that you started preschool! You go to the Enchanted Castle at Pasadena Montessori (sounds like a mouthful, but one day before we even intentionally taught you the name of your new school, you said, “Am I going to Pasadena Montessori today?”)

Caption: Your first day of preschool.

We were a little nervous about how you’d handle the transition from Judy’s to preschool, but you did so well! You jumped right in there and didn’t even look back (or shed a single tear!) Sometimes you’ll bring it up (“Remember how when I was a little girl, I used to go to Judy’s?”), but when I ask if you want to go back you say no because you’re “a big girl now.” The teachers tell us that everyone is falling in love with you and that you’re a happy little chatterbox. JYou come home telling us about playing with Veda, and the “jobs” you do (that’s what they call the assignments you work on), and how you took a numbers test… by the way, here’s one of the first numbers tests you brought home… 100%!

You’re a ballerina!

You also started ballet classes! You seem to love it – you are able to follow the routines the teacher shows you, and we can really see the concentration and determination in your eyes! You also practice your moves outside of class... click here and here to view your little airport ballet performances. :)

You are a happy, silly, funny, bold, generous, thoughtful, loving, insightful, artistic, beautiful little girl. 

I could go on but those words are ones I have pictures and stories I want to share about with you.

Happy, silly, funny. Those are actually your words. I was telling you one night about all the wonderful things you are, and you jumped in and finished my sentence with, “and happy… and silly… and funny…” I love that you use those words to describe yourself.

Bold. You’ve stepped up and gone to the front of the room when volunteers were asked for, even though we could tell you were feeling a little shy about it – from holding medium-sized snakes to being the magician’s assistant, and a few other things in between.

Generous. Mommy and Daddy went to Tijuana, Mexico in June to help build a house. When we came back and I was showing you pictures (Click here to see!) and telling you all about it, you kept saying (and still bring up at times) that you want to go to Mexico and build a house with us. And when I showed you a photo of the family, the first thing you said was, “How come the kids don’t have any shoes?” I explained that they didn’t have a lot of money, and you said, “I can give them my sparkle shoes.” And a few days ago, you caught a bag of toys that I had packed up to give away. It seemed that you were going to get upset (“Hey, that’s my elephant! That’s my Minnie toy!”), but then we sat down and I told you about how we were giving the toys away to kids who didn’t have any toys to play with… and you let it all go (and even brought up how you could give them your sparkle shoes, again).

Thoughtful. When an ambulance goes by or we see an accident on the road, you’ll ask what happened, and then pray. You also say the sweetest prayers at mealtime and bedtime. They’re usually something like, “Dear Jesus, thank you for… Help Mommy and Daddy to feel better… dear Jesus, amen.” More recently, your prayers for Mommy and Daddy have been replaced with, “Help Maggie to not eat grapes or pomegranates.” A few weeks ago, Grandma Fely hadn’t been doing too well because of her toothache. It had been a few days since we’d seen her, and I had forgotten all about it, but at dinnertime, out of nowhere you asked how Grandma Fely’s tooth was and wanted to call her. It made her day.

Loving. Daddy was sharing in front of the whole church last weekend, and you were sitting with me in the back. I was holding you up so you could see him, when you turned to me and said you wanted to go see him, so I put you down and said, “Okay, go ahead!” Then you ran all the way to the front and he picked you up and held you while he shared. Later, he asked why you came up to the front and you said, “because I love you.”

Insightful. Daddy and I were fighting one time and then daddy left. I found you sitting quietly in your room and when I apologized for the fighting, you responded ever so gently, “was it your fault?” while tapping my nose with your finger. That’s just one example of many when you’ve helped one of us re-center by gently speaking truth into us.

Artistic. I’m not sure this is the best word. But I feel like you’re a craftsman, for sure. You love drawing, painting, and tracing. You’re very precise and your drawings actually look like what you say they are!

Beautiful. We get told this all the time about you by strangers and friends alike, but you carry a unique beauty that I believe comes from the Holy Spirit’s presence on you. If there are kids around who you don’t know, you’ll want to befriend them. With the younger ones you do know, you like to take their hands and guide them. We want to the beach to watch Uncle Corey and Auntie Dana get baptized, and though we barely said anything to you about what was going on (just talked about it around you), you said to me at dinner later, in an almost distressed voice, “Mama, I didn’t get baptized!” (You actually said, “I didn’t get washtide” first and I had no idea what you were saying. I tried brushing it off – “oh don’t worry, we can get it another time,” but you were persistent in reiterating what you wanted until I understood.) You have a tender heart that makes your eyes sparkle.

You continue to make your way around the world.

You’ve been to Prague, Hawaii, Napa, San Francisco, San Diego, Big Bear, Ventura/Oxnard, and this year, Las Vegas, NV, Arizona, and North Carolina! 

(Las Vegas, NV) The “diamonds” at the Cosmopolitan, sun bathing and shark tank at the Golden Nugget. 

(Slide Rock, AZ) Sorry, not the best pic of you but I wanted you to see the rock slides! Your Daddy and I both went down -- very slippery and very cold!

Apple picking in North Carolina with Julia and Dennis!

Driving along Blue Ridge Parkway 

Your first East Coast College Tour -- to Duke and UNC (you slept through most of Duke).

Moravian Falls, in the presence of angels

Fearrington Farm

We just celebrated Halloween together as the Disney royals (per your request)

Things I’ve been learning…

Your dad cherishes me… and I could do a better job of cherishing him. Cherishing is love that goes out of its way to honor, protect, showcase, encourage, and bring out the best. If I want to see someone change for the better, I should make the effort to intentionally cherish them. This means affirming them in how far they’ve come rather than pointing out how far they have to go, it means conquering contempt and the temptation to critique by protecting them and practicing thankfulness. Cherishing can bring healing and bring out the best in someone – where criticizing never will. Cherishing is a choice. (This is all from Cherish by Gary Thomas.)

Take care of the little ruptures. Sometimes when I’m upset with someone, I struggle with whether to say something or not. But if I don’t say it and can’t let it go, then I start building up resentment… and then love for that person starts to fade. “Love doesn’t magically disappear, but it can slip away if you’re not choosing to fight for it over and over” (228). “There were 1,000 little ruptures that never got repaired” (227). (This is from I’d Like You More If You Were More Like Me, John Ortberg.) If the person matters to you, even if it’s uncomfortable or you just don’t feel like it, it’s worth it to take the time to address the little ruptures.

Be willing to interrupt what you’re doing, even if it’s inconvenient, to put the things that matter most first! There are so many times I’m faced with decisions and I’m not sure what to do, or I don’t even think and just choose based on what’s most convenient in the moment! I find that I often pick the thing that makes me look better to others – even if it means sacrificing my health, time with you, time with God, or compromising how I treat Daddy. Those are the very things that give me strength and joy. Without them, I get run-down and defeated. But with them, I am strong, content, and at peace. When you find your everyday decisions pulling you away from the things that ultimately matter most to you, stop, and force yourself to choose those things first.

Shake the dust off your feet… there’s just no pleasing them all. This keeps coming up again and again for me, and I have a feeling it will for you, too – simply because you’re my daughter. And also (this is a secret from 3-year-old you) but you’re already exhibiting signs of possibly being an achievement-oriented perfectionist (sorry). You can do your best and someone will think you’re not good enough. You can have pure intentions and someone will be offended by you. You can be nice and someone will think you have a secret agenda. You can try over and over to make things right with people, to make them see what you intended, to make them own your version of the truth… but you will lose lots of sleep, harbor too much anger and hurt, and you will always feel very, very tired. Oh, and it still won’t be enough. So again, focus on what’s true and unwavering and the people who matter most. Be willing to fight for those things. But beyond that… “shake the dust off your feet” and move on. Leave the rest to God’s judgement. (Matthew 10:14-15).

I love you so much my sweet precious Karis girl.

P.S. Other fun photos from these past few months...

Obon, July 2018

Kidspace (You insisted on sitting in the back while someone drove you, and refused to accept that I wasn’t going to fit in the driver’s seat... then this little boy drove up and offered to take you for a ride. The Kidspace employee commented, “she was made to be chauffeured.”)

Showing up in style for a drizzly day at Kidspace (you picked your outfit)

Tanaka Farms with Cam

Goofballs.

Doing the Worm at the family reunion/Cousins’ 50th in Vegas.