#he just gives “I’m about to die from the stupidest thing imaginable vibes

[exist-just-to-suffer]

Bro literally has worse life expectancy than a hamster 😭

[heretherebedork]

You know what’s just wild?

One, that I’m just now watching and finishing Not Me for this week because I’ve been dealing with family drama and just not up to watching my actual dramas.. I have so much to catch up on.

Two, how it seems like Todd is actually a better friend than Gram to Black.. Even after everything, Todd still watched over Black, he still genuinely cares about Black, but Gram just lets Black take off and doesn’t wonder what’s wrong?! Dude Black basically drowned on air, and you just let him take off without stopping him to figure it out? Then when you find out about White, you still don’t think to go after Black’s insane ass? How tf do you manage to be such an awful friend when you have off immediate vibes that you were the one that was closest to Black?

so now my question is, was Black ever closest to anyone besides Todd after he and White were separated? Did he think he was close to Gram only to realise at some point that he wasn’t or were he and Gram just pulled together by this goal? Were they just members of a group with a single goal or did they care about each other? We see Black put trust in Sean to protect White, is that because of the realisation after the fight that Sean didn’t want to give White up or is it because even though he seems to hate Sean, he actually trusts Sean with the one person he truly gives a fuck about even despite the time they’ve spent apart?

so many fucking questions… and only one more episode to figure out some answers.. gram is just never going to give us an answer, I guarantee he is just not going to make sense after what the writers did. Unless he’s just being a douche because he believes he can’t have black so he chose to go after Eugene. Which would be the stupidest thing in the world and is the only reason k don’t think gram is doing that. Just think the writers wanted to break everyone’s heart to be honest. I was so worried about SeanWhite, they took away gramblack from the shippers, then they tore our hearts out with YokDan, I wanna bawl holy shit.

Welcome back to Not Me, where a lot of things went wrong but at least Sean and White are together and Todd has offered to be Black's rebellious sugar daddy if Black will just stop trying to kill him and/or die at his hands.

On to the rest!

Yes, Todd has definitely been, in some ways, a better friend than Gram. He did get Black beaten into a coma but my working theory is that he absolutely didn't mean that to happen. He did want Black beaten but his minions may have gone overboard. Unsure, though. Whatever, he still said nicer things about him than Gram has in the least six episodes so I accept their toxic friendship into my heart.

I think Black truly thought he was close to Gram and Eugene as well as Todd but has always held part of himself back without White that only Todd knows about. Imagine having to keep a secret that big from everyone around you, imagine the weight the leaves on your soul? I don't think White ever kept it that kind of secret. They both handled the separation so differently. I can't imagine Black holding himself under the water of his bathtub to try and find a connection to White that was lost. That's just not him.

I think Black trusts Sean only because White loves him and White has obviously made his choice in this regard. Black has no choice but to trust Sean with White and he will not back down again. So Black will place White in Sean's hands because that is where White wants to be.

Gram is never going to get an answer because his main purpose was to be a twist. That's... that's it. That was his character. Sorry. He served his purpose.

Yeah, YokDan are painful right now. Especially knowing how much fear Dan has and how much pain Yok is in and how they've been betrayed and saved in the same moment, by the same person and it's just... it's huge.

[officialleotolstoy]

Oh Natasha/Andrei brainrot we’re really in it now, aka Natasha/Andrei playlist annotations!

Honestly the age gap is so inherently uncomfortable it’s difficult for me to really ship this but I think in terms of the REALLY low bar of W&P marriages/almost-marriages, it’s one of the better ones because they at least mutually care about each other. It’s also just devastating on principle!

There are several distinct sections of song on here, this is one of the few I’ve actually put in a significant order, so I’m going to break it down into that.

Part 1: Initial Meeting/Falling In Love The First Time/General

Absolutely Smitten - dodie

“She wants to dance around the room, kiss you until her lips turn blue”

This song really reminds me of their first meeting when they’re both like 👀 at each other. I like how it captures the excitement but also nerves of the girl, which I feel like is an important feature of Natasha’s part of the relationship.

Helpless - Philippa Soo

“Tryin' to catch your eye from the side of the ballroom”

Sorry to all the ex-Hamilton stans I jumpscared with this, but it’s about the Philippa Soo Singing About Falling In Love vibe. Also the quoted lyric reminds me of their iconic dance scene, or at least the bits leading up to that.

To Noise Making (Sing) - Hozier

“Honey, the look of it was as sweet as the sound; Your head tilt back, your funny mouth to the clouds”

This reminds me of the scene where she sings for him and he’s like WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH im in love! I paraphrase, but you get the idea.

Golden Years - David Bowie

“Look at that sky, life's begun”

This is objectively the stupidest song on here. It’s here because I think it’s funny to imagine the iconic Natasha/Andrei dance just being the Golden Years dance from A Knight’s Tale, HOWEVER the quoted lyric is in fact Andreicore.

Stop The World I Wanna Get Off With You - The Arctic Monkeys

“And I know we got places to go, we got people to see/Think we both oughta put 'em on hold”

‘Wren there are several songs that are on this playlist AND your Andrei/Pierre playlist’ Thank you for noticing it’s because if Tolstoy can recycle the same lines of dialogue for these relationships I can recycle the same songs! This song is just. I Hate Everyone Except You :) which is deeply Andrei @ both of them. But also like wanting life to stop so you can just hang out with Your People.

Strawberry Blond - Mitski

“I love everybody because I love you”

I’m pretty sure someone once pointed out how this lyric fit Andrei/Natasha once in a post and I cannot for the life of me remember who but that made an impression on me. Mystery person, thanks <3 Also I forgot this was a Mitski song??

The Anchor - Bastille

“Bring me some hope by wandering into my mind”

One of Thee things about their relationship that sticks out to me is how Natasha is so lifelike and her very existence gives Andrei hope for the world. It’s so. It’s so much!

Something After All - Starry

“You’ve turned my world around”

Like I said above, falling in love with Natasha really changes Andrei’s entire worldview! I also think “I've spent years building up walls” is very Andrei, and Natasha kind of brought them down, like what happens in the song.

Cosmic Love - Florence + The Machine

“A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes”

IT’S ABOUT THE SPACE METAPHORS FOR LOVE. THIS IS NO ONE ELSE FROM GREAT COMET’S FAULT.

Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel

“I know I am a cold cold man: quite slow to pay you compliments or public displayed affections”

It’s about being generally not very emotional or expressive but being devoted to the person anyway...very Andrei-ish.

Ophelia - The Lumineers

“I don't feel nothing at all and you can't feel nothing small”

The quoted lyric just seems like a really good summary of their dynamic, but I also think “Heaven help a fool who falls in love” works well for bitter post-elopement vibes, so this song was difficult to place.

Part 2: Andrei Leaving For Abroad

Misbehavin’ - Pentatonix

For some reason this is on both the Nat/Andrei and Natasha playlists and I’m too lazy to change it. Just go look at those annotations.

No One Else - Great Comet

Duh

To a Poet - First Aid Kit

“I got on a plane and flew far away from you, though unwillingly I left”

This song makes me think of Andrei abroad missing Natasha :( Honey you’ve got a big storm coming

Part 3: Post-Elopement Breakup Songs

I Hope Your Husband Dies - Amigo The Devil

“All the distance that we've spent apart will never have to mean a thing”

This song is VERY much Andrei about Anatole. “Now you're with this asshole, you expect me to believe it's going to last” really works because her relationship with Anatole was never going to last, whether or not she knew that. And “I'm not so much afraid of being alone, just kind of feel I've had enough/And time and time again, time reminds me you'll never be my own/We'll never have a house to decorate, a place that we can call our home” as an Andrei thing makes me very sad!!!

Ruins - First Aid Kit

“Ruins, all the things we built assured that they would last”

I think you can safely say their relationship was in ruins after the elopement attempt. I also think “I lost you, didn't I? First I think I lost myself��� is something Natasha would think about the whole scenario

Half of My Heart - John Mayer

“Half of my heart's got the right mind to tell you that I can't keep loving you with half of my heart”

I think this is supposed to be more of an “I don’t love you anymore and that’s on me” song, but I like to mentally frame it in the context of Andrei after the elopement refusing to take back Natasha. I also think all the bits about the singer’s love interest changing the singer’s outlook on life before really fits, like “Lonely was the song I sang 'til the day you came, showing me another way”

Love Like Ghosts - Lord Huron

“You don't want me baby please don't lie/Oh but if you're leaving, I gotta know why”

It’s all about the singer being haunted by a love that doesn’t necessarily reciprocate on the same level, and I think that really fits Andrei’s mindset. It breaks my heart to think about him trying to figure out what he did wrong, why he wasn’t enough for Natasha, and so that quoted lyric really makes me just. :(

Cold Day In Heaven - Delta Rae

“Keep thinking bout when we started, so innocent/Your heart was a mess and I was lost in it”

This whole song is so good for them, it’s essentially just a couple being disappointed that their relationship didn’t work out well. The quoted lyric is so. AAAAHHH. because both of their hearts were messes but for different reasons, Andrei was so hopeless and bleak but Natasha was so naive and not ready for it and it’s so. It’s so Much. Also “We watched, the stars fell, and oh you know we let them/We said it’ll never happen, we said it’ll never happen to us/But it’s a cold day in heaven my love” gets me because 1) star/sky references :( and 2) Natasha especially did say it’d never happen to them, she was adamant that she’d love Andrei forever and that uh. I think we all know how well that worked out!

2 Months. - Zach Adkins

Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi

“I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug”

This is kind of a generic betrayal/breakup/I-miss-you song, but I think it works. Especially with “I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain” and the focus on the singer’s lover getting them through difficult times and then abandoning them.

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

“Take me back to the night we met”

I think people are legally obligated to have this song on any playlist for a couple that doesn’t end well. It’s generic but it’s good! The entire Strange Trails album my BELOVED!

Careless Whisper - George Michael

“I should have known better than to cheat a friend and waste a chance that I'd been given, so I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you”

UNIRONICALLY THIS SONG. I think it’s the focus on dancing as like a significant marker of the relationship for me, especially given how heavily adaptations focus on their dance at that ball. The quoted lyric reminds me of Natasha’s mindset after all of this. Also “We could have been so good together, we could have lived this dance forever, but now, who's gonna dance with me? Please stay” reminds me of Natasha asking him to forgive her. Not to actually get sad over Careless Whisper but. :,(

With Or Without You - U2

“And you give yourself away”

The quoted lyric is in reference to the elopement in my head, and “I can’t live with or without you” is like. Andrei can’t continue on and let her back into his life, he admits that he can’t forgive her, but he also has no real will to live after she betrays him and goes off to die in war.

Atlantis - Seafret

“We've built this town on shaky ground”

“This town” is in reference to their relationship, and I like the acknowledgment that there was never a great foundation to begin with. And “maybe I’m not built for love” as an Andrei lyric is a little heartbreaking! Other than that it’s just a Breakup Song.

I Don’t Wanna See You Cryin’ Anymore - Adam Melchor

“I don't wanna be the reason you can't trust me like before/My head's in my hands as I'm shaking on the bathroom floor”

This reminds me of Natasha’s deep guilt over her betrayal of Andrei. The implication that Andrei would ever let anyone see him cry is a bit much for me, just ignore that HFJAHDHSH

Part 4: Reconciling While Andrei ✨Dies✨

Fake It - Bastille

“We can never go back, we can only do our best to recreate”

This whole is song is about trying to move forward from bad things in the past with your lover which is the whole vibe! But I also think it shows some reluctance on the part of the singer to forget, and a bit of a desperation to be able to leave the mistakes in the past. “Help me turn a blind eye” really captures that. I like this as the early stages of them reconnecting, because I think it’s realistic to have Andrei especially be wary but wanting it to get better.

Bad Blood - Bastille

“All this bad blood here, won’t you let it dry?”

Letting go of a grudge and trying to move on vibes!

Let It All Go - Birdy, Alvaro Soler

“We’re strong enough to let it go”

All their hurt surrounding the elopement is the Thing they’re letting go of in this case.

Flaws - Bastille

“You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground”

The quoted lyric just feels like their general dynamic to me. Natasha is so open about everything and does indeed wear her heart on her sleeve whereas Andrei represses every emotion he’s ever felt. I think this is a post-elopement song because of “Dig them up; let’s finish what we started”. That feels like them reexamining their relationship and what went wrong and trying again.

Moscow - Autoheart

“All I need’s a fraction of your happy heart”

This song is so 🥺. “We both know what we’ve got to do: head back to where the magic grew” reminds me of them accepting their reconnection and moving on and trying to rekindle whatever was between them. And “Let’s get a dog, an Irish red setter, it’s all we need to get better” feels emblematic of them looking forward to domestic happiness as the solution. And the quoted lyric screams Andrei about Natasha.

The Heart Is A Muscle - Gang of Youths

“I will look at love as more than just an instrument of pain”

Not to be off topic but this whole album is so good every single song makes me feel SHRIMP EMOTIONS god. Also the whole thing is very Andreicore and I had to stop myself from adding every song to his playlist. But I digress. This song is all about having been hurt by love in the past (“I let bad love betray me once”) but deciding to open your heart again which is very them! “I haven't had enough and I wanna love someone” AAAAHHHH. “I am human now and terrified, but want it all the same” Mr. GangOfYouths im going INSANE! “I just ask you to be patient if you’ll have me still” HELLO? Not to quote the whole song but “I wanna be loved, I wanna be whole again, so tuck my hair behind my ears and touch my soul again” as an Andrei/Natasha lyric...I need to sit down. Can you all tell this song makes me go all kinds of crazy. And this isn’t even my favorite song off the album!

Shrike - Hozier

“I couldn’t utter my love when it counted, ah but I’m flying like a bird to you now”

This song feels very “we tried to have a relationship a while ago and it didn’t work out that well but I still love you we could try again” to me which fits this time very well!

Part 5: Andrei Goes Splat :( [And The Aftermath]

Work Song - Hozier

“No grave can hold my body down, I’ll crawl home to her”

I can’t say what it is exactly, but something about persistent love framed around the death motif works for me here.

Dancing After Death - Matt Maeson

“As the sun waits to eclipse and the taste teases my lips, I'm too tired to wrestle with it”

The quoted lyric reminds me of Andrei giving up and shutting down when he realizes he’s gonna die :( oh ALSO my brain always mentally fills in “and no one else” after the “you and I” that ends the chorus which does NOT help with my depression!

One Last Time - Jaymes Young

“Could I feel your skin on mine before I have to say goodbye?”

SCREAMS SO LOUDLY. The whole song is like. Someone dying and wanting to see their person one last time and AAAAAAAAAAA. I am a little incoherent maybe. “I'm leavin' this cold world of mine, no pleadin' is gonna turn back time” really Gets Me in the context of Andrei accepting his own death and withdrawing and it’s so. Anyway.

Oblivion - Bastille

“When oblivion is calling out your name, you always take it further than I ever can”

I don’t think this is exactly what the song is talking about, but the quoted lyric in the context of Andrei dying and Natasha watching him fade and withdraw...good Lord. I need emotional support.

Haunt - Bastille

“I’ll come back to haunt you/Memories will taunt you”

Natasha being haunted by the memory of Andrei!!! Help me!!!! Also “I will try to love you/It’s not like I’m above you” as a callback to Andrei’s feelings for Natasha when they start to reconnect is so mental illness inducing. OOOH and “Questioning why as you look to the sky that is cloudless up above our heads and thoughts come to mind that our short little lives haven't left the path that they will tread” any lyric ever about looking at the sky is Andrei’s now.

Without You - for KING & COUNTRY

“What do you do when you don't get better/Strong arms get too, get too weak to hold her”

:( :( :( :( :( Also “I’m not ready to live without you” I am so sad.

Good Grief - Bastille

“Every minute and every hour I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more”

Pain! Agony, even!

I made myself SO sad writing the entire last half of these annotations geez

[crazy-loca-blog]

Personal thoughts on Open Heart, Book 2

Note: As the title says, these are just personal opinions on Choices books and chapters. Of course, you may agree or disagree with them, I only use this platform to express my thoughts on what I read every week and what I’d like to see in the next chapters, because none of my friends play Choices so I have no one to comment the books with.

It’s been a while since I started writing this post, I actually remember saying I would post it months ago. But then things escalated in such a negative way between some people, that I said “well, maybe it’s not the best moment to post this”. So now that the book will be back, I thought it might be a good time to revisit it.

Of course, as this was written before the second hiatus, it’s been done with the original plot in mind, and I don’t read spoilers and the book is supposedly being rewritten, it may be full of mistakes… it just took me so long to write it, that I don’t want it to go to waste! hahaha

I’ve read a lot of people complaining about the plot of Open Heart 2 being all over the place, and some people are worried about the “too many subplots” this book has. Well, sure, there might be A LOT going on in this book, but when you analyze what almost every character is going through (emphasis in “almost”), you’ll realize that they all have one thing in common: they’re all dealing with their past. Also, with a third book confirmed, I don’t think everything is going to find its closure in Book 2. But let’s analyze our gang (they are in alphabetic order, as usual):

Aurora Emery: This girl is so damaged that it hurts. She certainly had trust issues during college and she’s reliving them all over again. Of course, being Harper Emery’s niece is not easy when you go to medical school and become a doctor. Not only people have high expectations on your performance, they also want to be friends with you and you just don’t know if it’s because of your aunt or because they genuinely care about you. Tobias is not making things easier for her either (I’m so ready to punch this guy if he hurts her!), and our MC has been an ass to her lately as well. She truly needs to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m so waiting for the MC to have a chance to apologize because what they did was the stupidest thing I’ve seen them do so far.

Bryce Lahela: Even though I’m in love with this guy (I always say he’d be my BFF in real life), we knew since day 1 that he was hiding something. Well, it took us over a book to discover that his family has a very, very shady past that ended up affecting not only Bryce, but also his little sister Keiki. Of course, discovering that your parents are criminals when you’re a teenager mustn’t be easy, and Keiki escaping because she’s basically living the same hell as Bryce went through in the past has only made him relive some old feelings that he wanted to be forgotten. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I can only think of some healing process for him that will probably not have its closure in Book 2, but in Book 3.

Elijah Green: Our boy Elijah has always declared himself a “nerd”. So, it doesn’t surprise me at all the fact that he had problems making friends while growing up. Also, due to his condition and what we know about his past, I bet his parents were super overprotective, making things harder for him. That’s why he is having a hard time when trying to keep boundaries with Sothy, his intern. It doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be friends, not at all (not only Ines and Zaid consider the MC “a friend”, but my MC is romancing Ethan, soo…). But he certainly tries too hard to be accepted (and not judged) by his intern, to the point that it becomes a risk for them as doctors.  

Esme Ortega: Our new intern looks like she’s a tough girl, but it only took us one diamond scene to discover what’s behind her attitude. Her life has been hard and she’s basically facing the world alone since she was 14. Even though this apparently was a topic that was addressed and solved in the same scene, it’s very clear that she sees herself in her teen patient with leukemia. It’s very possible that her parents never told her that they were illegal immigrants, so she can’t stand lying to that kid. She knows how it feels. She knows he’s not a kid anymore and that his parents lying to him will only cause pain in the future. Hopefully we’ll be able to go deeper in her background during the rest of Book 2 or in Book 3.

Ethan Ramsey: Ethan is facing not only one, but two conflicts. The first one is a personal one: his mom left him and Alan (his dad) 25 years ago. Now she is suddenly back in their lives for some reason that we still need to figure out. Ethan believes she’s back because she needs money, and he might be right. There is also this idea that she’s actually sick and she needs Ethan’s help. This could also be pretty accurate. I actually think it’s something in between (maybe some stepbrother or stepsister he doesn’t know about needs medical care but they can’t afford it). The other one is professional: with the money problems in Edenbrook, he’s feeling all the pressure of having to make a choice between attending rich people who can afford their full treatments and being loyal to Naveen’s original purpose when he created the team (that is, to care about people who can’t afford their treatments). My thought is that, in the end, both his family issues and his career in the diagnostics team will be crossed and that this will become a turning point in the book (because yes, we still don’t have that “huge case” as we did have with Naveen’s case in Book 1).

Jackie Varma: Jackie’s issue actually hits home. College debts are a huge issue in my country, and I can tell almost every single one of my classmates is facing them now, even though we graduated a long time ago. It’s pretty common to see families struggling to help their kids to attend university and you can’t imagine how grateful I am that my hard work paid off and got me a scholarship that relieved that burden at home. So I can totally see Jackie in this situation: coming from a low income family who didn’t only become a doctor because she loves it, but also because she saw it as a chance to give her family a better life… and this isn’t happening right now. But she is actually doing something about it already, so she’ll probably be the first one to have her “burden from the past issue” solved, she just seems to need that raise that all residents are supposed to get… at least for now.

Rafael Aveiro: Our Rafael (who’s not going to die and who still is a LI in my opinion) surprised us when he introduced us to his significant other, Sora. I mean… what happened in that two-month period between Book 1 and Book 2? This is one of those times when I desperately need a diamond scene for him to explain everything. Because it doesn’t matter if he is your LI or not, he doesn’t seem convinced about this “new” relationship and you can’t change my mind. Also, the fact that he’s been taking more risks than usual is giving me some weird vibes (maybe he’s depressed and he’s been hiding it?). I’m pretty sure there’s something we don’t know yet… and I’m pretty sure that his conflict at the end of the book (if he is your LI) will be to decide between “staying in the past” (with Sora) and “moving into the future” (with the MC).

Sienna Trinh: Our sweetheart has had little screen time in this book, but that time has been enough to realize she’s having some serious issues, to the point that some people think she’s the one who’ll be dying because of how depressed she shows herself. We all remember that Sienna used to have a boyfriend certain specimen in her life, and how she dumped him in Book 1. Well, toxic relationships are not limited to love life, and that’s the case with her. She’s been repeating all the same patterns with her new resident, Mitch. He manipulates her and he’s basically abusing of her good will… just like certain ***hole she used to date it in the past.

Kyra Santana: I did leave Kyra for the end on purpose. Since the end of Book 1 I’ve been saying that she has to die at some point of the series, basically because we must be realistic here guys and we can’t be in denial: no matter how much we love her, our girl only has 10% chances of surviving cancer and before the hiatus, things were getting worse for her. Based on this… have you noticed how Kyra is the only character in the series (besides our MC) who’s not carrying some burden from her past? Instead, she just lives the present and she barely mentions her future, except in two cases: when she’s talking to the MC about her job interview, and when she says that her treatment “soon will be over”. To me, THIS SPEAK VOLUMES, GUYS!

[poutypanic]

Finding Purpose Chapter 6

It’s been a while since I have posted this on my Tumblr. Cause I kept forgetting. It’s got six chapters now. You can read them all on AO3:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10529928/chapters/24224508

Fic is rated M, Mild Sexual Content, and Language. Fem!reader

Summary for the chapter: “You and Hanzo adjust to life at Overwatch HQ, with a few hiccups here and there.” 

Summary for the fic: “You’ve been living alone in Hanamura for the past five years, and are content to stay that way. You have a troubled past and have let it isolate you. One night a ruckus is coming from the Shimada Castle. Against your better judgment you check it out, eventually, you end up befriending an archer with a past as equally troubling as yours.This is a romance/fluff and slow burn, coupled with action and angst.”

Standing in the hallway of Overwatch HQ has you feeling small and overwhelmed. You didn’t have a carrier for the dog, so you’re standing there, clutching the poor thing to your chest. You’ve been making a tremendous effort to look tough. And you’re just now realizing that’s the stupidest thing for you to be throwing your energy into. Considering you’re nearly suffocating a small dog to death with your nervous grip.

The welcome into Overwatch isn’t exactly warm or inviting. At least the dog settles in well. She is allowed to roam wherever she’d like and does so. Everyone loves her and accepts her as the Watchpoint pet.

Ana lays out all the rules and what is expected of each of you. She goes on and on about fitness and how the two of you will need to go through training to make sure you’re ready for missions. She says you’ll need to get rid of the “rust” before she trusts you to not die on the field the first time she sends you out. She also states that weapons are not to be taken out into common areas. Unless the facility is under attack, of course.

It’s no surprise that Hanzo is in peak physical condition and passes all of Ana’s tests with flying colors. You, on the other hand, are an entirely different story.

“You are going to have to work on your cardio and agility.”

You groan, “Come on, my cardio isn’t that bad.”

“That bad, is far from good enough.”

Cardio is only fun if you’ve got a destination and a good reason behind it. Every time you start to give Ana a problem with something, Hanzo is standing behind her pleading you to back down with his eyes.

“Alright fine, so how many miles would you recommend?”

She says flatly, “Six. To start.”

“A day!”

“Yes, a day.”

“Is there anything else I can do for cardio that will meet your expectations?”

A boisterous, and light-hearted voice sounds off from behind you, “Did somebody say cardio!”

You look behind you to see a gentleman with a winning smile, and charming good looks. He claps his hands together before offering you one of them to shake, “Hi! It’s nice to meet ya! I’m Lucio!”

Lucio offers Hanzo the same hand. After introductions are out of the way, Ana sighs and crosses her arms across her chest. “No doubt, Lucio, is going to try and sell you on joining his dance class.”

Lucio scoffs, “Now, now! It’s not selling if it’s free!”

“Yes, you are right.” Then she pauses having had a light bulb moment, “It would actually be ideal. Yes, I think his class would be perfect for you.”

You are perturbed. You don’t want to run six miles, and nor do you want to take a dance class. No matter how fun and charming the instructor seems to be. You match Ana’s stance with a hand on the hip, “And why is that?”

Ana is really good at ignoring your attitude, “Dance will help you with both of your biggest weaknesses, cardio, and agility. Two birds, one stone.”

Lucio talks a lot with his hands, and it commands attention without being abrasive. “Come on! I swear, it’s tons of fun! You never know if you don’t like it ‘til you try it huh?”

Lucio clasps his hands together in a begging gesture and gives you a playful pout. God, you can’t even imagine what it’s like to be that outward and pleasant. You instantly like him, and it’s rare for you to instantaneously like someone. How could you say no? And what hurt would it cause to try, “Alright fine.”

Lucio then whips his attention to Hanzo to see if he can get one more sign up. Hanzo holds both his hands up and fervently shakes his head; it’s going to be a hard no from him.

That is how you find yourself the next morning in the gym. In a secluded room in the back, with thinly padded floors and mirrors lining the walls. Here is where you meet another agent named Hana. A petite, and equally as boisterous woman, with a bit of bite. It turns out that this “class” thus far has consisted of just Lucio and Hana. This you are actually thankful for, because you were feeling anxious about having to meet several other agents at the same time. This is far less stressful.

You had no expectations coming into this and yet, you are still shocked. The music is fun, and the dancing hits hard and fast. You end up being impressed with yourself. You didn’t think you’d be able to keep up, or match their moves. But you do fairly well for your first time and feel really good because of it. When you think the class is done, Lucio informs you that they’ve got one last thing they always do at the end to “cool down”.

“Alright, sure, what is it?”

Hana looks at Lucio with a mischievous look and rubs her hands together like she’s a cartoon villain, “We gotta do the routine with the chairs!”

You watch in dramatic horror as Lucio and Hana take three chairs from the rooms back wall and position them in a line.

“Uh, what are we doing?”

Hanna shimmies her shoulders at you, “It’s sultry dance time!”

Your eyes widen, “Um no. I think I’m good.”

Hanna stomps her foot, “You will do the sexy dance or the class will never end.”

“What kind of cryptic nonsense was that?”

Lucio comes in with the middle ground, “Come on! It’s lots of fun and once we get the music going, and you’ve got the moves down, I swear you’re gonna feel awesome!”

You’ve already got a blush on your face, but you give in. You really want to be friends with these two, and if you leave now, you’d be putting a hindrance on that. So you watch them, with an increasing blush the farther they get into the dance. The chairs are only there for the very beginning of the dance. After the first few moves, they dramatically get pushed back to make room for the floor moves. You fall to your knees and flip over onto your back, your legs still tucked underneath you.

You watch as Lucio and Hana both effortlessly lift their hips high up into the air, and you can’t help but start giggling.

“I can’t do it.” You say between giggles.

Lucio hits the mat several times, “Get your hips up!”

Hanna colorfully adds in, “You have to thrust like you’re really giving it to somebody!”

You are full on belly laughing now, “Hana please use a nicer example! I can’t deal with that one!”

Hanna shakes her head. Hips still high in the air, “Thrust them hips! Give it to em, damn it!”

Lucio is crying with laughter as well, “She’s gonna axe us to the side and take the six miles of running in a sec.”

Tears are running down your face, “I’m gonna break something!”

Lucio scoffs, “You’re not ninety years old! No excuses! Do it!”

When you finally do get your hips up, they both sarcastically clap for your success. The rest of the moves are still lewd and way beyond your comfort zone, but you get them down. When Lucio can finally add the music into the mix is when it all finally clicks. It still takes a lot for you not to laugh your way through it, but you hit every step, every drop, and lift. Lucio and Hana are goddamn professionals, keeping faces on the whole entire time that say, Yeah I know you want me. You admire them and wonder what it must be like to have that kind of confidence.

When you walk out of the room, heading for the showers, you find Hanzo leaning against the wall just outside the door.

“Hey, how long you been there?”

“Give or take about ten minutes.”

You squint at him, “Did you see any of that?”

He smiles meekly, “A very little amount.”

You feel the embarrassment flood your cheeks stronger than it ever did during the dance, “That’s too much.”

Hanzo was waiting for you, because he wanted to see if you’d come to practice range with him. And of course, you will. That’s how it is for the next month and a half. You do most things together. You practice with your guns, while he hones his archery. You take the tactical classes Ana had put together herself in the library. You eat together, and meet new people together. You’d like to get around to meeting everybody, but apparently, several agents are away on a mission. One of them being Genji.

You’re not one hundred percent sure if Hanzo is upset or relieved by that. If you had to put money down, it would be on relieved. There are times when Hanzo is nowhere to be found, and that is usually when you get to chatting with people. Now, you’re not exactly a social butterfly, but if people put in most of the effort with the talking, you find it easy to either respond, or just listen.

Hanzo isn’t having any of it. He slips away so quietly that often you don’t notice him go. When you guys make your way into the mess hall, Hanzo always chooses the table farthest away from the group. You could sit with the others, but you’d never leave Hanzo to eat alone. Out of all the friendly greetings, there is one agent who’s greeting wasn’t so friendly. And it’s this agent who is really starting to grind your gears. His name is Jesse McCree.

Right from the get go the vibe wasn’t good with him. The meeting was brief and cold. The two of you had only ever spoken to him once. Ever since your meeting, he avoids all eye contact with you and doesn’t like being in the same room as the two of you. Except of course, when it comes to the mess hall. It seems that the room is big enough for him to deem worthy enough to be in with the two of you.

However, there is this thing he’s been doing lately. Every time he walks in the room, he’s got to stare the two of you down. With his cowboy hat low and a scowl on his face, he throws daggers your way. Hanzo doesn’t notice, because his back is always turned to McCree. There is only so much you can take before you start to feel petty and protective. So you’ve started returning the stare down. You’re only able to get away with this for a couple of days before Hanzo catches you.

“What are you doing?”

You nearly choke on the food you have in your mouth, “I- what? Hmm?”

“Don’t play dumb. What’s that look? What are you up to?”

You shrug, because you like to give him a hard time. Also, because you don’t want to tell him. It’d just cause him stress, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He rolls his eyes and takes a brief look behind him, “Who over there made you angry?”

You place a melodramatic hand to your chest, “I am offended. I am a very cool headed person. Nothing ever makes me angry.”

You almost make yourself laugh. You fight it back, because he is done with you. You can see it all over his face.

You sigh, “Relax. It’s nothing, seriously. It’s—“

Childish is the right word for the situation, but for some reason, the word is escaping you right now. Hanzo pouts and goes back to eating his food, “I’m not going to beg you to tell me.”

You pout too, “You’re not gonna like it.”

“I already don’t like this.”

Fine. If he insists so much on knowing, then you’re just going to have to tell him. So you do, and he says, “Be better than that.”

“Better than what?”

“Than stooping to his level. Stop. Do not do that anymore, please.”

Hanzo has a sinking feeling he knows exactly why McCree doesn’t like you guys. More so him, and he just doesn’t like you by association. This gives him a terrible pang of anxiety. He feels guilty that someone would dislike you, because of his past wrong doings. It’s the only logical reason behind McCree’s scorn. Every Overwatch agent probably feels this way, and some are better at hiding it than others. Or at least, this is what Hanzo thinks.

You agree to knock it off. It’s for the best, and hopefully, it will release some of the bad tension. But you’re not going to make it easy for Hanzo; that just wouldn’t be in your nature. The next day the two of you are sitting in the same spot, and McCree walks in. He stares you down, and to keep yourself from glaring back, you choose to stare obnoxiously at Hanzo instead. Hanzo, who you’ve found eats a tremendous amount. Is focused on his food and takes a full minute to realize that you are being annoying.

Hanzo sighs, “Yes?”

“I’m not staring at him.” You pause. The smile on your face isn’t sweet, but rather mischievous, “I’m staring at you instead.”

For some reason, Hanzo can’t just let himself enjoy your nonsense. He always has to fight with himself, try to put up a front. Like he needs to be serious and can’t enjoy the lighter sides of things. Or rather, doesn’t deserve to.

He has to fight to keep from grinning, “Stop.”

You don’t stop. You continue to stare at his face. Finding yourself admiring the glowing skin. Despite the under eye circles, indicating that he hasn’t been sleeping well. Along with his sculpted angles.

“You ever notice how many angles your face has? You have all of them, you’re hoggin’ them all. That’s not fair, give some of them up. What do you need that many angles for? Be generous.”

You’re in a mood, full of pent up energy, and no doubt from all the workouts you’ve been getting. Because of this, you could go on, and on. And you do, changing different variations of your sentences and words. Hanzo is bright red in the cheeks and has a tight-lipped grin. He’s had the same mouth full of food since you started and only just now was able to get it down.

“Be quiet, please.”

You’re on a roll, a little animated and loud, “I mean, you’re just so fucking handsome. It’s inappropriate how good looking you are. It’s offensive. I want an explanation. Han? What the fuck is with your face and how it looks. Te—“

At some point during your rant, your hands had ended up back on the table. Without any warning, Hanzo grabs them both, and it instantly shuts you up. Now you are the one with a tight-lipped smile and red cheeks. It’s nice, the way his hands feel tightly wrapped around yours, with that warmth that you crave. You can feel some of the agents at the other table starting to stare. He’s holding on for a reason. Letting you know how the embarrassment feels. This isn’t exactly PDA, but it’s still giving you a wild case of the willies.

“Are you gonna let go or what?”

“Are you going to be quiet?”

You nod and try to take your hands back, but he won’t let you have them. Not that you tried very hard. Or that his grip is now any more than featherweight. You could have them back if you really wanted. Hanzo slowly takes his hands away. All the while, keeping an eye on your face to see if you’re going to start up again.

“Have some restraint,” is his last comment he makes to you before going back to eating his fifth dinner roll, intent on eating six.

Days at Overwatch are currently ridged with routine. For right now it’s not something you mind. It makes you feel more comfortable, because you know what your day has in store for you. You’ve actually found yourself dreading the day Ana approaches you with a mission. So you find yourself back in the mess hall, at the same table, with Hanzo, and you’re annoying him yet again by staring. But today is about to be different, and not for good reason.

“Once upon a time you chided me for staring. I believe the word you used was, rude.”

“How do you get your eyebrows to be that perfect? You literally wake up with them looking like that. I’ve seen it. Is it the dragons? Do they do your eyebrows in the middle of REM sleep?”

Hanzo sighs, and hangs his head, burying his face in his hands. If you didn’t know any better, with the way his shoulders are shaking, you would think he was crying. Maybe he is. Neither of you see McCree approaching. Hanzo is too occupied trying to keep his cool, and you’re too engrossed in watching him. He takes a seat next to you, keeping a safe distance and not saying a word.

You notice him first, and your gut reaction is to stare at him with a disgusted face. McCree waits for Hanzo’s attention before going off on a rant.

“Ya’ know the least you could do is answer your damn brother back. I think a simple answer would be a real nice start. All he’s trying to do is talk to ya’. Sending ya’ messages and tryna’ talk to you via the damn comm. He shouldn’t have teh’ beg you teh’ talk to him. That should be the other way around. You must be a fuckin’ chicken shit. You don’t even gotta talk to em’ face to face, and you can’t manage that much? I think it’s the least you could do, considering, Genji is tryin’ and you should be too.”

The whole entire time McCree is tearing into him. You’re wide-eyed, and desperately looking at Hanzo, begging him, Say something! Defend yourself! McCree is done, so he gets up and leaves. You sit for as long as you can manage, waiting for Hanzo to say something. When he doesn’t, you get up and slid across the top of the table to get after McCree faster. Hanzo’s simple sentence, “Have some restraint,” comes to the forefront of your mind, and you push them away, with a fuck that. If he’s not going to defend himself, then you’re going to have to do it.

Your blood is pumping so fast and hard in your ears that you barely hear Ana yelling after you. It’s too late for that; you’re already gone out the door and at half jog, trying to find McCree.

When you find him he is ready for you, “What do you want?”

“You know what’s chicken shit? Ambushing somebody like that, and then running away before anybody has a chance to say shit to you.”

He ignores your comment and immediately tries to go for a sore spot, “Tell me. What kinda person you have teh’ be, teh’ just let a killer into your home?”

Oh, so they’ve been talking about you guys. It’s not surprising, and you’re not mad about that fact. It’s the fact that McCree has the audacity to stand there and try and use it against you that has your blood beyond the boiling point.

“I saw someone who needed a safe place to sleep, so I offered that.” You get closer to him. You don’t care how much bigger he is than you, you’re ready to fight him, “You could have gone about what you did back there in a much more civil fashion.”

“I think I was pretty fuckin’ civil.”

“No, you weren’t. There was a better time and place, along with a better tone and word choice.” Then you decide to go for a sore spot, “Does Genji know you’re speaking for him?”

McCree’s expression turns dark and dangerous, “That’s none’a your fuckin’ business.”

You scoff, “Sounds like a no to me.”

Ana has found you. She runs up and puts her whole body between the two of you saying, “Alright. That’s enough! Separate, right now!”

You and McCree could throw hypothetical punches all day. You’re both hot headed, protective, and undeniably, hopelessly, biased. Nobody but Ana is in the right today. She doesn’t have to say it twice. You’re done and need to find Hanzo.

He’s disappeared. He’s not in the mess hall, not in his room, the gym, library, or the shooting range. You sit and think, where would an archer hide? And then it hits you, because the answer is so obvious. The roof.

So your goal now it to find out how to get there. After about fifteen minutes of searching, you come to the dismal realization that Hanzo wouldn’t need stairs to get onto the roof. The jerk would have just climbed up there. Finally, out on the small track and field that the facility has, you find a ladder. Even on a thing made for climbing, you nearly fall twice but make it onto the roof safely. Your instincts were right, because there he is. All the way on the other side, cross-legged, and sitting on the edge of the roof.

It’s windy up here. The golden scarf he is always wearing is blowing in the wind, his hair whipping around along side it. He knows you’re there, but doesn’t turn to acknowledge you. Now that you’re up here, you realize you hadn’t thought of a thing to say to him during your search. Oh well, you’ll just have to wing it.

You take a seat next to him and wait to see if he might want to say something first. What he says was not worth waiting for, “Would you do me a favor?”

“Hmm? Sure.”

“Kill me.”

“Okay, now wait a fuckin’ second.” You can’t help but laugh, “Listen, you gotta at least give me a good reason first.”

“McCree is right. I can only begin to imagine what you said to him.”

“There might have been some truth in his words, but Han you didn’t deserve to hear them like that.” You take a deep breath. Getting yourself ready to really get into it, “It that true? Genji’s been trying to contact you?”

He nods and looks away into the sunset.

“I have tried, I swear it. I type up responses. Long ones, and then, I stare at them, unable to send them. When I hear his voice, it feels like knives in my gut. It is so familiar, and yet so different. It’s my fault. It’s that way because of me. The knives are my own doing.”

You swallow a hard lump in your throat. It’s welling up, because you really don’t know what to say. You’ve only got a small piece of advice, “I think you’ll feel a little better if you just send one of them to him. Just get it done. Once the line of communication is open, hopefully, it’ll get easier.”

Hanzo is silent, deep in thought, and trying to gather the courage to take your advice. It’s not coming to him though. He’s feeling helplessly trapped by fear. It’s unrelenting and will not allow him to do what is best.

“Sometimes,” you start. “Anxiety is an asshole, a bitch, a straight up cunt. Maybe you should just let me press send for you? I won’t snoop. I’ll just give that send button the good pressing it deserves and wants.”

His mouth drops open, and for the first time in ten minutes he looks at you, “Vulgar!”

“Don’t change the subject. Let me press it.”

He stares at you confused, but aware that you are trying it.

“Lemme press your send button.”

“Stop.”

“You know, you tell me to stop a lot.”

“I think that says more about you than it does me.”

“What? All I’m saying is you should let me press it. What’s wrong with one person pressing another persons send button?”

There it is, the little upturn of his lip that lets you know he’s trying not to be amused. “Does your mind ever cease?”

“No, and seriously, is there anything I can do to help you?”

“You have helped enough.”

The two of you fall into a comfortable silence. You scoot closer to him, pressing your arm to his, and laying your head down on his shoulder. Hanzo takes a hold of your hand and pulls it over onto his knee. The sunset is especially beautiful with, greens, purples and blues, all weaving into each other. Big fluffy clouds that are like cotton candy, as if you could reach up and grab it right out of the sky. The air is crisp and refreshing, clearing your mind, and coaxing you into feeling tranquil.

Hanzo’s thumb runs across the top of your hand, “May I ask you a question?”

You nod against his shoulder.

“How have you been sleeping?”

You shrug.

“There’s a renowned doctor here. Perhaps she could help you.”

If you didn’t have a fear of medication, and an unhealthy mindset that it would be weak of you to take them, you might have considered it.

“I don’t know about that.”

“It worries me. Ana could give us a mission anytime. You shouldn’t go into such dangerous situations deprived of something as essential as sleep.”

“Hmm,” you really don’t want to see Angela about this.

Hanzo gently lifts your chin up, so that you are looking at him. You’re a fool for teasing him so much, because he knows your weakness now. He has your gaze, has you trapped in his warm brown eyes. He speaks soft and low, his voice smooth and deep. It’s nearly hypnotizing.

“It’s not only a danger to you, but to the people who are counting on you to have their back. Don’t you want a decent sleep schedule?”

You hear him; you really do, and of course, you’d like to be able to sleep regularly. You don’t have an answer, because you’re unashamedly gazing at his plush lips. They’re giving you tingles in funny places. You hum, and sigh through your nose.

He says, “Relationships are about compromise, yes?”

“That’s what I’ve heard.”

“Let’s make an agreement. You go and see the doctor, and I will send Genji a message, tonight.”

That’s a deal you can’t refuse, “You got it.”

Hanzo now rubs his thumb across your bottom lip. The way it parts ever-so-slightly from your top one has his core warming up. He kisses your top and bottom lip individually, sending a shiver throughout your entire body. He’s thinking about pushing you back onto the roof, about using his mouth to pull moans from you. He’d like to know what they sound like. He wonders if you are loud, or quiet and restrained. He smiles to himself as he thinks the word, restrained. As if you’d be restrained, but then again, you could surprise him.

Still grinning, he kisses you again. This time with an increased amount of passion. The moan that Hanzo wants to hear almost escapes your throat, but gets caught between an intake of breath and the little bit of tongue that is playing at your lips. The warmth from your tongue sends Hanzo’s thoughts into whole new unchaste places.

When Ana interrupts the moment, you nearly fall off the roof, because she scared the hell out of you. Ana ignores that the two of you were just making out on the roof, like two teenagers who don’t have anywhere better to do it, and gets right down to business. You have a brief conversation with Ana, she was worried the two of you might be thinking about leaving. No. As of right now, you’re both not going anywhere. She is glad to hear it, and informs you that a week from today you’ll be going on your first mission.

[wadehq-blog]

heyo! i’m chase! .. and this is my string bean trash king wade delaurier, aka the object of all of my hatred ( that’s a joke, he’s okay )

he’s elden prep’s resident art heaux! 

his style is v reminiscent of becky cloonan.

he’s a moody fckin brat, that can love you one day and want to be a thousand miles away from you the next. 

he’s the youngest of four, and has a helluva a lot to live up to. all of his siblings stick to the spotlight and both of his parents run a highly successful business but he just wants to live his life nd make a comic, or a trillion.

he’s a #vegan, and will fight you if you try to make him change his ways.

he’s also a feminist, nd rallies for diversity and better education .. nd all that good stuff, but refuses to join politics bc?? .. nobody knows, probably bc he thinks they are scum, maybe bc hes too busy with other stuff.

his last name comes w an ego, literally his entire family is up their own ass. he’s the tamest one tho, like he KNOWS he’s hot nd intelligent nd rich, but he doesn’t boast about it.

he’s messy and reckless, and just .. a big bag of trouble. most likely to punch someone for having an ugly opinion, wracks up detentions like its nobodys business, leaves class unannounced bc the teachers voice puts him to sleep .. genuinely just a dick??

but he’s actually rlly intelligent? and a lot of things ppl would consider boring genuinely interest him. he absorbs useless facts like a sponge, tbh. 

a giant cynic? literally hates society as a whole and thinks the rivalry is the stupidest shit he’s ever heard of, honestly.

 is at least 25% sarcasm. 

loves dogs with all of his heart and soul, and whenever he sees one he gets one of those hope for the world smiles across his face where u can genuinely see his dimples. he volunteers at the animal shelter often bc he loves those fluffballs so much nd would probably die for them??? probably.

he’s not too big on relationships, and tends to just sleep around whenever he feels the need to do so. he’s just the opposite of soft, and doesn’t see a long-lasting relationship in his future.

he’s actually only half a delaurier, bc his father isn’t who everybody thinks. his mother slept around a lot and still sort of does? but, shh, he literally knows nothing about this.

he uses his allowance to buy watercolors and weed, tbh.

lowkey a conspiracy theorist.

highkey a lover of horror movies and film cliches.

PLOTS

ok so, gimme a half-brother, or half-sister?? like imagine the dramatiques if they ever found out? bonus: they’re a part of the rival high school.

a best friend? just someone he’s comfy around and can sort of relate to?? maybe they smoke nd watch horror movies together, nd he just genuinely enjoys their presence in his life .. which isnt a big thing with him.

just general friends? ppl he keeps close but not TOO close. he vibes with them, yknow?

a fellow volunteer at the animal shelter - honestmeme, give me this? theyd be one of the few that got to see his small shard of optimism, and his cute dimples 

someone he’s friend-zoned? he does this a lot, honestly??

someone he’s crushing on? oK this would have to be someone that’s either entirely different then himself and basically ideal in his eyes, or someone that rlly relates to him and is the other side of ideal. it’s hard for him to rlly like someone, ok

someone who’s crushing on him? probably unrequited but hey, that’s fun

ppl in art club, probably has a vibe with them .. he’s p vulnerable with his art, so he considers these ppl close

enemies, hnstly there’s a bunch of reasons to hate him

ppl he doesn’t like, again .. he probably has so many? lmao, i apologize in advance 

anyways that got long? if you read all the way to the end, and actually wanna plot? give this a like, and ill come to u tomorrow??? maybe ill even make u cookies