#he is external validation: vigilante edition

[satyricplotter]

im too shy to comment but that blurb(?) you wrote about the reader who is so sure of other people not finding them attractive is so sos o good??? i love the way you write forever <33

thank you!!! regarding oneself as unlovable is one of my favourite themes to write about and a lot of my ideas center around this issue because i just find it so so compelling because it's an outside judgement at first, isn't it? what provokes this very interior belief, i mean. there is something or someone whose interaction with you first clued you in to the feeling of oh, i am this thing/i behave this way and that will isolate me if i don't stop/change (a thought likely reinforced by a system in whose interest is to keep you feeling that way). and then, what if you can't stop? what if what you are (how you look like, most times) is something you cannot help? there's a lot to work with there. you can seep into anger or blanket yourself in resignation. you can work around it, unravel it, turn it false. you can turn yourself false, to a certain point, and change as much as possible, taking a scalpel to your recognizability (fascinating human behaviour btw no judgement here). we are all taught insecurity by our uncertainty of other people's approval, an unavoidable experience, and sometimes you grow out of it and other times it snowballs into a deep seated belief that stops you from engaging in the most basic forms of social interaction. at one point, it stops being about the rest of the world and starts being about you. because no matter how ugly or shameful or bad you think you are, there is someone out there who shares the same characteristics and they are happy. so why can't you?