#he has no idea how hard he slays and its heartbreaking

[memoryhallows]

its unreal how much cunt one man can serve… he may be The cuntiest of them all actually. the slayer, even

[fan-a-tink]

Young Royals S3 thoughts

EP5

Even just hearing this scene’s echo was horrific. It must have been so much worse to actually go through it. 

It must be so hard for Wille to reconcile how he knows Erik which what he now knows about him. And he is not here anymore to defend himself. Uuuurgghhhhh!

Please talk to Simon. Please talk to him. Shutting him out will not make anything better.

Sara and Felice doing desserts together, that’s the best idea anyone has ever had :) A chance for them to talk, yay!

This Micke is starting to be a dad too good to be true. This is sketchy behaviour. He is too happy, this is going to spiral out of his control. Oh Sara I am worried for you….

Ok, I am just going to say it (even 2021 me would judge me so hard for this) but August „redemption arc“ is working. Like I honestly believe that he is trying to be a little bit better as a person. I want him to be alright. And yes, I am shocked that I think this. 

Whose locker is number 60? Is that Sara’s? 

Wille once more calling his parents because he needs support. And his dad once more not stepping up. Nobody is perfect, not even Kronprins Erik….!

Edvin Ryding, the actor you are…

This episode it’s Wille’s turn to look as if his soul has left him. 

Oh shit this will be the music room fight. I am not ready. I am not ready. No no no no no noooooooo.

RIP Wille in the choir. Those scenes in episode two were worth it though :)) 

It is so typical for Simon to think that he has done something wrong. Simon, my love, you are not ‚difficult‘ for asking questions!! You are wonderful. 

Wille, those are your thoughts, not Simons. They are your fears, your doubts, your anxieties. And they are completely valid. But please don’t put words in Simon’s mouth and push him away like that. „Maybe he gave in to peer pressure. What do you know?“ Like, Simon is trying to help you here, he’s trying to talk it through with you and help you out. Nooo, don’t walk out on him?!!!

Simon being left behind in the music room is just as devastating as Wille being in there after their fight last season. I am done with this music room. 

The 36 on Simon’s locker is now always going to remind me of that fan exam :)) I was sooo unsure about that question haha

So she takes the letter, but is she reading it? Should we assume she read it? Or is she just not going to read it? I am confused…

Oh no. Micke has forgotten. The hope and desperation in her voice that she’s trying to conceal while leaving these voice messages for her dad is killing me. Also, ruuuuuun! You can still make it :) 

Why is Wille only ever with Felice when he’s had a fight or something with Simon? Like, when they’re good, he never hangs out with her. 

I also do believe he would have accepted and embraced Wille’s queerness. But I guess it’s the fact that we’ll never know that is so hard to deal with.

Purple nail polish ✨ slay :)

Sara made it :) But also, it’s stressing me out that she just puts her id back into her bag and doesn’t close it properly. It could fall out!

That is so heartbreaking seeing that Micke is falling back into the habit of drinking with his friends. And the worst possible moment for Sara to find out, mid-driving test, in the middle of the road. 

Linda giving Simon the long overdue hug and telling him he’s not doing anything wrong. YES!

„Love shouldn’t be this difficult“ - Linda, I trusted you!!! Don’t give Simon ideas.. 

Sara turning up at the house, breaking down. Simon hugging her. Forgiving her. I am in actual tears now. Can’t handle it. I’m sooo glad he is forgiving her. This was soooo necessary. Finally some healing…. 

That’s a decent apology text, Wille, I’m proud of you :)

The nail polish looks sooo good!!

And its off 😂 That was shorter than Wille’s career in the choir..

The Happy Birthday Song Scene will forever be my favourite Wilson scene. I am crying my eyes out because I know it’s all going to go wrong soon, and this might be one of the last moments of happiness. And it is SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! 

Also I am sooo glad the ‚Is everything ok between us?‘ line happened here and now was immediately answered with a ‚yes‘ - that takes away one of my biggest fears from the trailer… 

Also, he made him a sandwich? Asjdnä oajbef lskdfb .sjdnfsldnf lsdn 💜

I like Farima. Also her green suit is gorgeous :) 

They are holding hands in the car !!!!

„Maybe it was stupid to tell you that thing about Erik. I get that it must’ve been tough to hear.“ Yeah, no shit, August.

Simon is just chilling, living his best life eating cake :) 

„Cause there’s a risk of poisoning.“ Oooff. Simon’s expression is golden :))

I think Simon will never get used to having staff to take care of everything. And to Wille being absolutely ok with that and not even noticing it. 

Spotted Lisa Ambjörn, hihiiiii :))

Please make Simon feel welcome. Please. 

Why are they all pretending like everyone’s happy and fine? 

August is just so happy to be near Sara, it is actually adorable. 

Felice and Sara working side by side. I have so much hope that they can find their friendship again. Like, they are both loving being in each other’s company..! And Felice wanting to be a chef? I am here for it!!!! That whole little scene was beautiful :))

That is the most awkward dinner conversation ever. Poor Simon. Poor Wille. And they really don’t make it easy for anyone just bringing everything back to Erik. Like, that just adds so much pressure on Wille, and also this is such a vulnerable topic for him right now… 

Class Bad Boy. Lol

I love that he hates the title. Like, season 1 August would have loved it! That is GROWTH, ladies and gentlemen!

„It’s not very long. I’ll read it to you“ - dude, she can read, she just didn’t want to! 

His voice breaking up a little while he reads the letter. Malte is really on the next level this season…

The way he leans his head into that hug…! I have so much hope for them…. Please, please, please!

Yes, I can see that from Frederike’s point of view this looks bad. But you don’t know anything about the situation. And you’re just going to cause problems. But of corse she runs straight to Felice. Uuughhh, and things were just starting to look like they could be friends again someday.��

Wille playing a bit of the school song. Is that the only thing he remembers how to play, because he taught it to Simon? 

Wille, you’re being unfair. Yes, it’s hard for you. But Simon is also allowed to find it hard. And he is only trying to support you.

I’m sorry, but Wille’s parents could not be more useless right now. I am so glad Wille is finally speaking his mind. Maybe the delivery is not the most productive, constructive, diplomatic, but a child should not have to beg for his parents to be there for him. And they should not just leave the room when he does. Like, I understand that you are ill and struggling and that it must be absolutely terrible to deal with your eldest son dying tragically in a car crash, but Wille is right, you still have a son, and he needs you!!! 

The way Simon looks horrified and genuinely scared when Wille smashes the gifts. Like, he looks kind of scared of Wille. I bet he witnessed these kind of violent outbursts from his dad when he was younger. Oh Simon….

There it is: „Love shouldn’t be this hard.“ And it hurts just as much as I thought it would. 

Wille’s cheek is so wet, he must have been crying a lot already. 

Simon’s voice cracking when he says „Maybe it just can’t work.“ - he is breaking his own heart admitting this. 

The lyrics just before the cut „I got addicted to a losing game“ - KILL ME NOW!

I am in tears. Like, I knew they were going to come to a point like this, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok!!!

[caspianxth]

Hi, more thoughts, sorry<3

like yeah i agree that kaz absolutely has a heart, but i think those acts of kindness are mostly reserved for the people he loves, even if wylan is new, you can tell he's already warmed up to him, and i really dont think he'd do something kind just because for someone he feels indifferent to at best, much less someone like a king, and wait omg i just remembered he's friends with sturmhund i take it all back, he would indeed give it up for his friend. and yeah youre right about wesper it was adorable, but i dont know i needed the slow burnnnnn, but yeah given netflix penchant for with gay shit, it was necessary.

And about everything else, yeah it made sense but it was really rushed, especially in s2, and like i get that they have to make everything as fast as they can in case it gets cancelled but im sad about it, but i just really hope malina does meet in the meadow in the end, cause at this point, this show is uncharted territory and completely new and i am so excited for it, and i think that was just setting up for nikolai i bet they will make him all scary later, or at least i hope. But like MERZOST!!!!! ALINA WTF!!! i loved the shadow cut it, like alina i love that youre very powerful but pls try not to turn evil, and like shes heading exactly in the direction the darkling said she would go which is so scary and obvious in a good way i love it. And omg the darkling, like in the books its neither easy to not root for him except maybe when he dies, but here omg, you're telling me he actually felt something for alina and it was not just manipulation!!!

Also Ben Barnes makes it really hard to not be on his side, Alina is waay stronger than me, "Make me your villain", for you? anything, also very simp i loved it, so its okay they omitted a lot of his character and relationship with alina, as they basically made a new one which i like. and about the white hair thing, it was iconic!!! i needed it!! but its okay, also i think the darkling probably experienced some shit associated with his power, but probably never like that cause the only amplifier he used was his mother, and it wasnt until he used merzost he became unstoppable, and it was slowly taking its toll on him, so slowy at first that it might have even been a plot hole, cause later it starts eating him from the inside.

Anyways Ice Court Heist is coming omgomgomgomg im so excited, i cant wait to see something really serious happening with nikolai and alina, and the crows just, just, yeah. i love them. i love jesper and wylan (the characters not their relationship in this instance) so much i could die just thinking about them.

And i think that's all my thoughts until now, I apologize in advance because I WILL think about it more and I WILL bother you about it<3

sturmhond my beloved <3 best of the grishaverse men truly!! also re wesper I love them I'd die for them plus with a tv show I need smth to be happy about and kanej: glacial pace, helnik: slow burn bc of the whole hellgate sitch. like I need smth to be diggin!!! re nikolai, a nichevo'ya is not how he should look and tbh I don't like how they're doing it in the show if that's the angle they take but hopefully I'm wrong. I do think paddy gibson did kill as nikolai like when they let book nikolai pop out? slayed!!! also yeah alina like don't be doin that (merzost) baghra made u promise!! but it is a way better end than her losing all her power and I'm excited to see where they take that, I saw on twitter somewhere that leigh has lots of ideas where to take it if given more so we shall see <3 also w the darkling, like, ok so 1 he is ben barnes so that's a thing bc I've been crushing on him since prince caspian but also!! like the thing is like, he really did love her for a bit there! he had peace when she surprise kissed him!! that's the moment he went right back to in his defeat right before alina mcstabbed him (which he did deserve btw). like the heartbreaking part w darklina is they really could've had it if he'd trusted her!!! but he didn't!!! and that was his greatest weakness!!!!! I do like malina but like, for me it's nikolina >>>>>>>>>> malina sorry. book or show nikolai is just *chef's kiss*. but also re nikolai, zoyalai >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>nikolina. so like, the setup there is also *chef's kiss*.

[taste-in-music]

It’s been four years, so let’s talk about LOVE + FEAR!

MARINA dropped the diamonds and came back swinging with her fourth studio album, a two part experience built around the concept that all positive emotions stem from LOVE and all negative emotions stem from FEAR. Up until this point, I’ve heard the LOVE side of the album, but I thought that I would give my thoughts on each song on the record, as well as my overall consensus. There are sixteen songs, so sit back, grab a snack, listen along to the album with me if you want, and let’s dive right in. 

LOVE

Handmade Heaven

I 👀 ENVY 😑 THE BIRDS 🦅, HIGH UP IN THE 🌲 TREES 😊

I’ve talked before about how much I love this song, so I’ll try not to say to much 

the production on this song is so lush, with the trilling flutes, pianos, gently tapping cymbals, and explosion at the chorus. this song just feels so grand and larger than life. we stan this production

this is definitely one of the strongest tracks on the album, if not the strongest

Superstar

I’m not going to lie, this isn’t one of my favorite tracks. I think the lyrics are kind of flat (despite this song having four writers,) and the production just doesn’t do that much for me

however, I do like the sparkly and fun drop, and, as always, MARINA’s vocals

Orange Trees

I’m just in love with those “🍊𝓸𝕆𝖔๏ⓞ𝓸𝕆𝖔๏range 𝓸𝕆𝖔๏ⓞ𝓸𝕆𝖔๏range🍊” riffs

this is definitely a bop. it makes me want to sprawl out on a beach so damn badly

I can see this song getting giant this summer. I hope it does, it’s the kind of song we need on the radio right now

this song makes me want to jet set to Greece

Baby ft. Clean Bandit & Luis Fonsi

you know what? some people I’ve seen in the MARINA fandom don’t like this song because they think it’s “basic” or “too mainstream,” but I don’t mind it at all

Clean Bandit’s production is sharp as hell here, the Latin influences like the guitar and beat in the instrumental help it stand out from the rest of MARINA’s discography and also make me want to dance. I don’t mind Fonsi’s presence either, I think he and MARINA have pretty good vocal chemistry

especially that chrous! say it doesn’t slap, I dare you

I can understand the critique that this song doesn’t really fit in the with the flow of the album, I don’t mind its presence here. if anything, it’s a refreshing switch up 

Enjoy Your Life

this does work as a song to listen to if you just need to feel better

I don’t know if this was intentional, but the way the lyrics are written kind of make it seem like the song’s message is to just sit back and enjoy your life despite anything wrong that might be going on. I get what this is trying to communicate, but you don’t necessarily have to “sit back and enjoy your problems” and “might as well accept” your lot if you’re unhappy. you just have to be proactive and work to fix whatever it is you’re unhappy with. I don’t believe MARINA is saying that you should be passive and just let anything happen to you, I just think this song would hit a little harder if it mentioned how you can go about improving and enjoying your life 

True

the chorus of this song low key goes hard as fuck, it’s so damn catchy

nothing much else to say about this song

To Be Human

the imagery in these lyrics really elevate this song. little details like the “gold leaf” on the buildings, “Lenin's body lying dead" in the Red Square, and the village “where [her] father’s from” are just beautiful.

more great lines! “the missiles and the bombs sound like symphonies gone wrong,” “and if there is a god, they will know why it’s so hard to be human”

“Savages” may have been MARINA roasting humanity, but this song is her appreciating it. while this song might not have quite the biting, poetic wit of “Savages,” it still has some of the sharpest writing on this album

End Of The Earth

that vocal processing at the start of the song might only last a handful of seconds, but I really like it

also, those dark synths are great

this song has a more entrancing atmosphere, and works as an interesting transition track from LOVE to FEAR

FEAR

Believe In Love

the synthy bassline at the start of this song is giving me major Grimes vibes

the restrained and almost whispered vocal delivery is a nice change of pace form the LOVE portion of the album, but some of the vocal processing messes with MARINA’s rich tone and it’s kind of annoying. just let her sing, she has a great voice!

I love how the lyrics of the songs link together the themes of love and fear, like the final line in the chorus: “losing you is what I'm afraid of, I need to believe in love” 

Life Is Strange

yesss, violins! and tambourine?

we’re dipping back into those sweeping themes of humanity and human nature, like on To Be Human and Savages

“is it ever gonna be enough to love another and be loved?” IS THAT A MOWGLI’S ROAD REFERENCE I HEAR??! cuckoo bitches! (I guess she really does envy the birds high up in the trees)

“seems like everybody's having the best time of their lives but we don't know what's going on at any given time” is a big fat schmood

still, I wish the lyrics went more in depth here, like there were more specific details or music on why things are the way that they are

You

I’m sensing another tropical beat here

this is a real treat if you’re listening with headphones. that vocal warping on the “you”s in the background are fun

I wish that this drop had more oomph to it. it feels kind of like an anti-climax

the flowing feel of this song is nice. if I had one word to describe this song it would be “nice.” it’s not too over the top or surprising but I don’t hate it either

Karma

some more Latin-y guitars like the ones on Baby, as well as some hi-hats? I’m excited to see how this song builds

this song is giving me flashbacks to The Family Jewels with the “oh my god” and Electra Heart with the “heartbreaker” name drop. 

something about those “doubt doubt doubts” remind me of the DJ Snake remix of “You Know You Like It” by AlunaGeorge. on that note, what the heck ever happened to AlunaGeorge?

this song is very melodically satisfying, especially the chorus, but I still can’t help but feel like this song is missing something. maybe harder-hitting percussion? some bass? I can’t quite put my finger on it

I still like that there’s some more sass on this track, with the vocal delivery and in the lyrics

Emotional Machine

everyone’s been shitting their pants over this song, so I’m excited to hear it for the first time

that “I’m a ,-*'^'~*-.,_,.-*~ må¢hᵢïᶦᶦᶦᶦᶦᶦᶦᶦiᵢñê,-*'^'~*-.,_,.-*~ ” really threw me for a loop and it’s fucking great there’s that MARINA weirdness I know and love!

Too Afraid

I don’t really have anything to say about this song. it’s fine, but there isn’t anything that special about it

the lyrics are kind of relatable, at least. with the idea of being afraid to open up in a relationship and be vulnerable

No More Suckers

everyone has also been shitting their pants over this song, but in a less enthusiastic way than with “Emotional Machine.” let’s pray this is an underrated bop

I like those peppering piano notes in the background, it’s very summery and fun

the instrumental reminds me of “Cheap Thrills” by Sia a little bit?

“you eat all of my food” and “you mess up all my towels” made me laugh out loud. are these suckers just really bad house guests? it kind of plunges so far into the valley of ridiculous that it rebounds back to being great

at least there’s a bit more sass and personality on this track

I don’t see why people dislike this. it’s about on par with the other songs on the album so far, at least for me

Soft To Be Strong

her vocals on this track are so lovely and delicate

“I choose to love you without fear, no shame in being sincere” is a really good lyric, I appreciate its sentiment 

the way the production builds up near the end allows the song to gain more momentum, especially with those echoing background vocals and prominent drums. there’s some of that oomph I was looking for 

My Thoughts Summarized: I’m all for artists evolving with their sound. Of course somebody who has been in the game as song as MARINA is going to sound different now then when she did back in 2010 with The Family Jewels when she was in her early twenties, and she has every right in the world to make the music that she wants to and that makes her happy. But something about a majority of the songs on this album don’t invoke the enthusiasm that I have for songs of hers on other albums. One of the qualities of MARINA’s that I especially admire is her strong lyricism, and the lyrics on some of these songs just fell a little flat for me, not going into detail or being clever with their wordplay. Along with that, the production on all the songs never really goes there, if you know what I mean. I was expecting a little bit more experimentation or change-ups in sound as the album progressed, and I didn’t really get that. As always, MARINA’s vocals are great throughout the entirety of the album. I just love how complex and unique her voice is, and I’m convinced she could sing “Happy Birthday” and have it sound amazing. To me, the best tracks are Handmade Heaven and To Be Human, which showcase strong writing and grander-scale production.

slay goddess aslhldghsdklgda 

Overall, LOVE + FEAR is a pretty standard pop album. It’s not my personal favorite in MARINA’s discography, but there are some standout tracks and moments that will stick with you after every listen. What did you think of LOVE + FEAR? Agree or disagree? Comment or reblog with your thoughts, I’m excited to hear what you think.

[tgunn64]

Favorite Villains - Vergil (Devil May Cry)

In my foray to widen my repertoire of video games and tackle a few blind spots here and there, I’ve fallen utterly in love with Devil May Cry series, arguably one of Capcom’s biggest flagship franchises alongside Mega Man and Street Fighter and the addictive hack and slash game with all of the style and flare you could expect. You cut up a good number of slobbering demons in your quest to make devils cry, but no challenge stacks up to the brother of Dante himself, Vergil. Vergil’s is a tale as old as time--born to a legendary demon warrior, Sparda, and a human woman, Eva. Vergil grew up admiring the strength of his demon father, contrary to Dante, who practiced humanity and admired Eva’s sensitivity. Make no mistake, Sparda was a good guy demon who fought off the hellish warlord who threatened to end humanity, Mundus, but Sparda eventually died and those who worshipped Mundus saw a chance at cowardly revenge. Eva was lynched by a mob of demons, leaving Dante and Vergil to fend for themselves with only their respective amulets as mementos. As you can guess, Dante committed himself to protecting the innocent and slaying ill meaning demons in the name of being a hero like his parents, Vergil saw Eva’s demise as being linked to her weakness, and he committed himself to power in the name of no one but himself.

Drawing opposites between your hero and villain, especially when they’re siblings, is one of the oldest tropes in the book, and nowhere is that more apparent than with Dante and Vergil. Dante is chief known for being wily, boisterous, and a daredevil, while Vergil is reserved, stern, and efficient. Dante is kindhearted and very open about how he feels in the moment, while Vergil represses everything. Dante values his friends and sees value in bonds and emotional vulnerability (only devils never cry), while Vergil will throw out anything that doesn’t make him stronger like a side of broccoli he didn’t order. This all boils down his primary conflict with Dante, his desire for his brother’s amulet, which can supplement his own and make him more powerful. As you can guess Dante refuses to submit his amulet, and it’s easy to infer he’s more scared to lose his last remnant of his mother than anything to do with power, which paints a pretty picture of the two. What’s really neat about Dante and Vergil’s animosity is that despite the fact that they’re half demons dealing with the fate of the world, their central conflict is rather small scale. They’re really two brothers bickering over the custody of old heirlooms, they just happen to do so with massive swords and powers. The line Vergil crosses is teaming up with a wicked sorcerer called Arkham to raise the Temen-ni-gru, a tower that houses Sparda’s left behind sword and with it, his demonic power--doing so unleashes a horde of demons all over, which is obviously a big no no in Dante’s book.

After playing through two Devil May Cry games where Dante makes a spectacle out of running circles out of muscle headed monsters, seeing a demon hunter who can keep pace with Dante and treat him like Dante treats most of his opponents is really impressive. Devil May Cry 3 opens with Dante losing to Vergil in a grueling battle in the rain. They fight once more at the halfway point of the game, which ends in a draw caused by Arkham’s intervention. It’s also worth noting that this encounter occurs right after Dante’s fight with the blind demon, Beowulf. Dante claims the weapons wielded by the demons he slays, which is why it’s hard not to notice that Beowulf escaped with his life before Dante could do so--only to meet and be killed by Vergil, who claims Beowulf’s gauntlets for himself and must be beaten before you claim them--which is the kind of game mechanic crossed narrative fleshing I adore. Finally Dante, and you, the player, achieve a satisfying overcoming of Vergil, and none of those boss fights are easy. Speaking of spectacle, Dante is known for his peerless style and capacity to show off, and you’d think Vergil, being his foil, would be very plain and a dull fighter, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. He shares Dante’s affinity for looking cool in a fight, while Dante’s idea of showing off is, say, standing on a racing missile like a surfboard, Vergil is more the kind to dazzle by slicing a demon up and returning his sword to its scabbard before said demon even has a chance to fall to bloody pieces. As much as Dante and Vergil resent one another, there is a begrudging respect to be found, to the point that they’d even team up to finish off Arkham when he steals Sparda’s power for himself. Vergil may have gone way off the deep end, but he can’t deny the respect he has for Sparda even if simply for his strength, Arkham does not deserve to partake. But of course, the second their common enemy is gone, it’s back to feuding.

Devil May Cry 3 is actually a prequel to the first game, telling the tale of Dante and Vergil’s big falling out that leads to Dante and Lady establishing the Devil May Cry demon slaying business. Dante and Vergil’s final battle ends with Vergil, unable to come to terms with his failure to beat his brother, decides the only way to progress further is to condemn himself to the demon world, precisely where Sparda bred his own strength. Dante reaches for his brother’s hand as Vergil lets himself fall off the edge between earth and Hell, and Vergil only swipes at Dante’s palm with his sword as he damns himself to his fate. We’re then treated to a post credits scene, where Vergil witnesses Mundus and challenges him, stating that if his father could beat him, he should be just as capable. And as confident as Vergil seems...he throws away his scabbard as he proclaims this, which no swordsman does unless he feels this fight may be his last. Now...cue to Devil May Cry’s first game, which again, takes place after the third. Dante consistently comes across Mundus’ general, the masked Nelo Angelo, and it isn’t until Dante’s final encounter with the berserk knight that his mask is revealed...and Vergil is underneath, clearly a brainwashed shell of his former self forced to serve the sworn enemy of his father he so idolized. At the time of the first game this is more of a shock factor thing, as you only saw old family photos of Vergil before this, but with the context of the third game this is rather heartbreaking. Not only did Dante’s only equal in combat skill, style, and conviction lose everything that made him who he was, but we know this is entirely the end result of Vergil trying to step in his father’s footsteps and fight Mundus, a fight that clearly didn’t end well for him. I think that weirdly puts into perspective what’s so likable about Vergil--it’s kinda easy to peg him as the nerdy, dour brother, but he absolutely had a fire within him. Even if he grew up to be selfish and callous, Vergil had great pride in his lineage and immense conviction, enough to wield a gun alongside Dante when their foe besmirched Sparda’s name, and Mundus took that all away. For all of that he’s an incredibly compelling character, and an engaging villain who blends a slightly unconventional role with familiar traits masterfully.

[maiseui]

OH. MY. FUCKING. HEAVENS. I LITERALLY HAVE TWO WORDS AND ONE FINGER FOR U SEI 😭😭😭 FUCK YOU 😭😭😭😭 HONESTLY I CANT BELIEVE I EVER WISHED U A DELICIOUS SLEEP BC U MOST DEFINITELY DO NOT DESERVE ONE!!! I HATE U SO MUCH??? WHY AM I EVEN SURPRISED ANYMORE???? THE WAY ALL YOUR STORIES ABSOLUTELY WRECK ME BY THE END OF IT AND I NEVER SEEM TO LEARN MY LESSON BY NOT BOYCOTTING UR ASS 😭💔💔 honestly i’m speechless 🧍🏻‍♀️ this has RUINED me i had to take a step back and pause and kalm down bc WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??? 😁😁🔫🔫

OKAY SEI ADMITTEDLY, AND I HATE TO ADMIT THIS, U ATE. I LOVED THIS. LIKE FROM THE BETA READ I WAS ALREADY HEART EYES BUT BEING ABLE TO SEE IT IN ITS ENTIRETY WAS AMAZING????? I RLLY RLLY LOVED seeing the transition of their relationship from super adorable enemies to lovers to like tragic lovers who can’t rlly be together :((( like the premise of the story was alr so interesting (cupid matchmaking service??? SIGN ME UP) but the way u executed it WAS SO FREAKING GOOD 😭 i’m in love w the delivery like the pacing between every scene was so good???? YOU HAVE such a good handle on how long to make particular scenes and how to balance them out w romance and obv like ocs/heeseungs feelings/thoughts 😭 I RLLY LOVE HOW IMMERSIVE THIS FELT? IT WAS SO HEARTBREAKING SEEING THE WAY YNHEE DEVELOPED A FRIENDSHIP AND LEMME JUST SAY THEY WERE FREAAKIMG CUTE AS HELL 😭😭 the sticky notes 😻 the jacket 😻 the stares across a crowded room 😻 THEY WERE SO CUTE AND THATS WHAT MADE THE ENDING FEEL SM SADDER????

no bc i was genuinely heartbroken at the ending :( like yn definitely had her reasons to act the way she did but i just fucking LOVE how you depicted this “circle” of some sorts - like, yeeun is exactly where she started (if not in a worse position); heeseung has his heart broken the exact same way he broke many other hearts; and yn….. is still salty af at love. LIKE, ITS INSANE they went thru all that just to end up in worse positions :( I MEAAANNNNN SHOULDVE LISTENED TO CUPIDS LAW YALLLLL NEVER FUCKING FALL IN LOVEEEEEE 😭😭😭 but no seriously i really loved this idea of love being a little toxic; like the way you depict it here is smth to be very very cautious with. i love that!!! and bestie i agree 😳 i feel like all the characters kind of learned their lesson? yeeun: girl u cant manufacture love, and boys arent like the ones in ur writing 😭 i feel like she learned that people are certainly not what they purport themselves to be (like with her friendship w yn too). i felt like heeseung obv also learned his lesson 🤡 he was bound to face karma after playing w all those girls right 😭 and then obviously yn too — U CANT MANUfacture love and also the instant you try to slide urself in the affairs of others, you’re bound to get bitten 😔

AGAIN, IN CASE U HAVENT REALISED YET, i LOVED the delivery of this and the message of ur story 😭😭 BESTIE WHAT DONT U SLAY AT??? GIRL STOPPPPPPP 😭 ugh also for the record my fave line was surprisingly the one about yeeun - you wrote smth about her slowly lowering her filter, and also that she tended to pour all her feelings into writing and hence didn’t need another outlet. IDK WHY BUT THAT RLLY STUCK W ME???? SIGHS

ANYWAY I RAMBLE TOO MUCH IM SAURRY 😭😭 I LVOED THIS THOUGH SEI U ABSOLUTLEY ANNIHILATED THIS!!! HEESEUNG WAS SO HOT AND BY THE END OF IT I FELT SO SO SO BAD FOR HIM 😭 every line of his was so heartbreaking given how in love he was :( i’m so sad they didn’t get their happy ending esp since i shipped them so hard but I LOVED THE MSG OF THIS STORY MORE???? ANYWAY U DID SO SO SO WELL W THIS AND FR I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS UR FIRST LONG OMESHOT BC??? URE INSANE FOR WRITING THIS SO WELL 😭😭😭 such a big fan bffie 💖💞💞💖💖💞 ilysm THANK U FOR WRITING AND FEEDING US SO WELL! QUEEN BEHAVIOUR 🗣

CUPID’S LAW | NEVER FALL IN LOVE

PAIRING › Play boy! Heeseung x fem! reader

SYNOPSIS › After a bland highschool experience, you immediately gravitate to your university’s most outrageous matchmaking club, “The Cupid Club.” Your job was simple: to collect information on your client’s love interest and then pair them together. After two years on your “job,” everything became less horrific and getting couples together almost seemed like a natural occurrence. That is until you’re tasked to collect information on Lee Heeseung, the infamous rugby captain who is coincidently known as the biggest player on campus.

GENRE› college au, angst (I said it was major angst in the preview, but after writing it, I realized that it’s not actually that sad), consultant! reader x rugby captain! Heeseung, heartbreak, crack, fluff

WARNING(S) › swearing, heavy drinking, mentions of sex

WORDCOUNT › 18.4k (I apologize beforehand)

NOTES › This is my entry for @jungwoniics ’ “just out of reach” collab

Love was an unexplained phenomenon that entwined souls together. It was an experience of rather difficult trifles which blossomed into ultimate bliss. To be with someone you found truly admirable and to lead a life with them for as many years as they lasted was society’s idea of a dream come true. Love seemed to be something like a goal to people, while to others, it was rather a burden. To you, it was a lackluster ordeal filled with complications and hurdles — an experience you didn’t want to indulge in.

You hated when September strolled along. Every autumn leaf gracefully leaving the comfort of the branches to experience the harsh winter chills yet again this cycle. It was similar to all the young adults who traveled distances away from the warmth of their homes to lead a rather dreadful college life.

The giddy freshmen were always entertaining to watch. The yearning they all had to start fresh, lead a new life, to grow, and become a part of society.

That is what college was

A greater look into society.

Keep reading

[lulu-tan79]

You mentioned to me that it is often the books you don’t want to write, or are afraid of writing, that are the books you have to write. What was it about this idea in Grace that you were so resistant to in the beginning, and what was the moment or idea that finally made you surrender to it?

I spend months, sometimes years, in complete denial, trying hard not to write the novel I end up writing. My stories and themes are not consciously chosen and are often to do with problems I’d rather not address. Joseph Campbell has a wonderful line: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek.” You have to slay the inner dragon, and with Grace, of course, I had to face the Irish famine. I mean, why go there? The book has an epigram from Dante and for good reason: “Who, without death, dares walk into the kingdom of the dead?” And yet, I found myself with a powerful feeling for a character – a 14-year-old girl who became Grace.

When I wrote those first few pages, I realised to my surprise she was the daughter of Coll Coyle, from my first novel, Red Sky in Morning, and that her story would take place during the famine. So I resisted for a while until I gave in. What I was finally willing to face were the very reasons I did not want to write about the famine. Like many of us, I had a negative self-image of the Irish during this period. We are happy to deal with the famine in the academic abstract, but the lab work of the novelist is to measure what is in a human being, to measure human experience. Why are there such deep feelings of shame, anger and denial in the Irish psyche? I felt that no novel had yet opened this problem down to the bone.

I am really interested in how the initial seed germinates. With regards to the language, to say it is melodic and poetic would be to sell it woefully short. There are times when the emotion of the thought was so powerful it bowled me over, and I would read and reread phrases just to wallow in where the image brought me.

At what point does this language and its rhythms come to you? Do you feel this is an evolution of your previous novels or does each one emerge with its own unique melody?

Every book teaches you how to write it, and I spend months on those first few pages, teasing out its song and its rhythms. Virginia Woolf once said that style is rhythm and I believe that to be true. With Grace, I found her to be such a spirited character, that though the book is written in the third person, the writing sits very close to her so that it is coloured by her feelings, her moods, her intensity.

Was there any trepidation about making your main character a 14-year-old girl?

Every character makes you nervous. And Grace is such a quiveringly sensitive character I really had to take my time with her. She is so intuitive and self-conscious and feels everything deeply. She is also a touch melodramatic. And yet, during the writing, she spoke so very clearly. I just had to listen. My wife is my first reader, and after she read it, she said, “You got her perfectly, but how did you do that without asking me any questions about what it was like to be a teenage girl?” The truth is, I don’t know, I just went with it, though I might say that the job of the novelist is to make things up!

One of the most deftly woven aspects of Grace is that while she endures the most unspeakable horrors to survive, she cannot halt her growth into womanhood and all the physical and emotional changes that brings. How difficult was it to intertwine these two threads?

It’s really about the weave. We all believe our lives have meaning, and yet the world is vast, silent and indifferent. There is a tug of war in my writing between this belief in the individual and what I think of as absolute reality. And in Grace that presents an opportunity for humour and irony. Here she is, trying to survive within a collapsing, starving society, and at the same time, her body is entering its womanhood, with its attendant trials and embarrassments. If that weren’t problem enough, her brother is whispering in her ear, mocking her for her shame.

Colly is such a delightful, vital character and so essential to the narrative. Did you always know he would leave the story when he did, or do characters sometimes surprise you with their path?

Everything about Colly was a surprise. I had no idea who he was, until he came storming into the narrative when Grace was having her hair shorn. I had no idea what was to happen to him by the river. Or how he would return. I was stunned when he came back, and in the manner that he did. And you are right, he is so vital to the story that he had to return. Grace could not do without his company – his little riddles, his raucous wit and the fact that he is always looking out for her, so some part of her mind had to summon him.

When Grace enters the mission, the book takes on a very different feel. Where did the inspiration for this section of the book come from?

The Irish flocked to the priesthood, the nunneries, and the Catholic Church after the famine. But I had a hunch there would have been other movements too – smaller, cult-like millennial sects that arose out of the catastrophe, where the end of days and the Second Coming of Christ were preached. It seems to be very common that the lower classes blamed providence, the hand of God, for the famine. You could also look at it that some part of Grace dies in the section called “Crow”, that she is resurrected or reborn into the mission, and they do treat her like a miracle. I also had in mind a spiritual arc. I wanted, somehow, to craft through Grace’s adventures the journey in Ireland from a la carte Pagan-Christianity, to Catholic theocracy and beyond, to the secular society we are now.

You mentioned that there are few to no first-hand accounts of life during the famine of ordinary Irish people. That shame kept people from speaking about their survival. However, the issues of displacement and famine are not unique to 1847 Ireland. Did your research include more modern atrocities for personal accounts?

Before I knew I was writing about the Irish famine, I was deeply interested in Mao’s famine that took place from 1958 to 1962. Totalitarian communism missed nothing and recorded everything. When the archives were opened they revealed the full horror of what went on. It would seem obvious that during times of enormous distress, human behaviour defaults and that our darker side emerges – the part of ourselves we would like to pretend does not exist. But, of course, it does, and it is there within every one of us. Grace, to her dismay, discovers that too.

The last three words of the book are so beautiful and simple, yet powerful enough to soothe the heartbreak and pain of the previous 368 pages. Can you speak to that? How and when they came to you?

I knew the last words of the book from very early on. I needed to write towards that light and seeing it allowed me to step fully into the darkness. The book has an epigraph from TS Eliot’s A Song for Simeon that I drew inspiration from:

 My life is light, waiting for the death wind,   Like a feather on the back of my hand.

“Light”, for me, is not just the lightness of human life when caught within the winds of fate, but also its luminosity. I think of the radiance within each individual and how precious that is. These two meanings combine for me into a sense of grace.

[zukadiary]

Company/BADDY ~ Moon Troupe 2018

Welp I'm in Japan again, for a bizarre trip considering none of my so-called faves are doing anything I'd normally clamor to see live... There are multiple reasons for that, but a big one is I let the idea of this show seduce me completely. I pegged it my most highly anticipated Grand Theater of the year pretty much as soon as the blurbs came out, anticipated it even more after I read and loved the novel, and pretty much lost my mind as soon as the first BADDY tweets surfaced back in February. So I braved Golden Week crowds in Hibiya to squeeze two viewings out of the last week of the run, and I'm quite pleased with my choices.

COMPANY

I summarized Company and its characters a bit before so I won't do it again; they stuck to the premise well enough.

I'd call Company cute and very pleasant; I thought everyone did a wonderful job and any qualms I have are with Ishida-sensei. My love of the book definitely enhanced my appreciation of the show because I went in already attached to the characters, but it also set me up for disappointment in a few places where Ishida fell flat. It's a bit of a long book though, and overall I think he cut exactly what needed to be cut to fit it into one act.

What I LOVE about the play as a whole is the modernness of it; Takarazuka almost never does shows set in present-day Japan, and its shows set in present-day elsewhere often come awkwardly tinged with an uncool dad vibe (LET'S TAKE A SELFIE FOR FACENOTE a la Vampire Succession, for example). Company felt totally natural and it was really refreshing. That said, something bugged me about the line delivery in pretty much the entire show; it was kind of stiff and hammy. I'm inclined to believe it was the direction, but I do wonder if it was just Patented Takarazuka Acting™ and it happened to stand in greater contrast against a modern play (and I also wonder if that's why they shy away from such stories).

Tamakichi was so beautiful it hurt to look at her. Her character Aoyagi's backstory was changed by absolute necessity; the book opens with his wife leaving him, but in the opening song of the show he tells us she's died from cancer two years back. Book Aoyagi is a nobody at work and pretty much a total loser in general at the beginning, and goes on a real journey of self love and improvement. I am a little sad we didn't get this angle because I think Tamakichi could have done an absolutely heartbreaking job portraying that particular transformation, but I also completely understand that including all that simply wasn't possible. Instead we have Cool Good-Looking Senpai Aoyagi, reliable leader from start to finish, whose journey is injecting some joy back into his life and beginning to heal from his wife's death. Tamakichi is so good at the wholesome everyday hero I don't think I'll ever get tired of it. My biggest takeaway from her performance, other than that she slays in a basic clean-cut suit, is that she has blossomed and is such a top star. NO SHADE to Tamakichi up till now; she's done nothing but impress me since assuming office. But while what stood out to me in Grand Hotel and All for One was the balance of the troupe and how perfectly they allowed their other wonderful players support her, SHE stood out to me in Company all on her own; her presence and confidence were incredible. They kept Chapi the exact right amount of time.

This could be Chapi's most typical top musumeyaku role since Tamakichi took over, but it's still unique in that she's the pursuer in their romance and I love that. Minami, while less confident in her ballet/work life than Stage Aoyagi seems to be in his work life, is slightly more confident in their personal interactions—always trying to joke, lighten the mood for him, drop hints—and it's a lovely dynamic. Her portrayal was probably the most faithful to the book. Chapi is bright and cheery and the smoothest actress, and every bit of real ballet we get to see her do is a blessing.

I had the greatest attachment to Haruka (MiyaRuri) and Yui (Umi-chan) going in. My absolute favorite aspect of the book was the slow burn surrounding everything Haruka: his relationship with Yui especially, but also with Aoyagi and the others. Of course I totally understand there is no room for slow burn in one act. Aside from that, Miya was exactly the Haruka I imagined and that was a joy to watch (her costume and countenance in the Dark Gay Swan Lake scene in particular is a VISION). Yui is another refreshing atypical musumeyaku character and Umi did a great job. It's a pretty good show for musumeyaku roles in general; Sara (Wakaba) and Noa (Touka Yurino) are also pretty big parts. I loved Kumichou in particular, she had some amazing one-liners.

My biggest disappointment was in Ishida's handling of Nayuta (Reiko). Reiko did just fine, but I felt that Ishida sucked all the life out of the character. Book Nayuta is a hot-headed asshole who underneath all the strutting and crude commentary cares a lot about his performing. A lot of that comes from him being a trainee idol and trying to prove that he has a place among his equally hot-headed senpai whereas Stage Nayuta is the star of the group, but it's NOT AT ALL HARD TO IMAGINE that a star idol might be kind of a hot-headed asshole. Stage Nayuta was just kind of pretty and there, and as a result the drama surrounding him joining Dark Gay Swan Lake in the Prince role felt flat to me. This is one change I really think could have been made in the given timeframe. (Trivia bit: in the understandably zuka-fied Final Drama where Nayuta injures Sara on stage with a lift gone wrong, Nayuta locks himself in the bathroom at intermission and won't stop crying from guilt. In the book, he feels his finger slip between her ribs during the lift, and dwelling on the sensation makes him so ill he can't stop throwing up).

Toshi is a VERY cool idol group leader; Ari is, as I predicted, herself; and Ruu, Shimon, and Mayupon are a pretty funny group (boss and salarymen), with Mayupon in particular also absolutely WEARING the normal suit look. Everyone else was pretty light on the stage time.

BADDY

BADDY is a triumph. If you still have the opportunity to watch it sans spoilers, I recommend it, I'm jealous, and I would love to know what that's like. However I can also say that I read almost everything about it before seeing it and I felt no less impact from its brilliance.

It's completely ridiculous, but the balance it strikes in its ridiculousness is absolutely sublime. Simplicity combined with absurdist randomness; both using and upending traditional Takarazuka elements JUST enough; it strikes the perfect note.

There's so much to unpack.

For one thing, it's SO META. We open in Takarazuka City on the Peaceful Planet that has seen no disturbance in 103 years, and down comes the Baddies' spaceship with a thunk. Following the thunk, Tamakichi declares "Looks like you've been waiting quite a while for this," RIGHT BEFORE going into the standard opening announcement—"written and directed by Ueda Kumiko," etc—and I am sure that's her sticking in her own jab about Takarazuka waiting 103 years before letting one of their female directors do a revue. Really, I wouldn't be surprised if the ENTIRE THING was a reference to this; I mean we're in TAKARAZUKA CITY where COOL BADDIES infiltrate a BORING LAME SOCIETY THAT HASN'T CHANGED IN 103 YEARS and then they BLOW EVERYTHING UP and EVERYONE GOES TO HEAVEN. That's bold, UeKumi.

There are smaller amusing references too... Reiko commenting that Amashi Juri's character looks new (she just switched to musumeyaku), Tamakichi kidnapping Reiko and giving her to Miya saying "here you're in charge of improving this person's general everything" which I'm pretty sure is Miya and Reiko's IRL relationship.

(Amashi Juri is so cute I can't stand it, help).

Another thing, it flows so beautifully for a revue with a plot (not a theme, a plot... the only other example of which I can recall at the moment is Nova Bossa Nova, which does not flow like this). Despite the scenes connecting perfectly into one cohesive story, they are still individual scenes that feel like standard revue scenes, with variety and costume changes and great music and really fun choreography.

Chapi is given the queenly treatment she deserves; she's as much the star of the revue as anyone else. The rockette with her in the center might be my personal highlight, and it's the perfect example of what I mean by both using and upending Takarazuka traditions. We've got typical rockette-style costumes, synchronized kicking, the works—but we've traded the high-pitched KYAA for YELLING ABOUT HOW ANGRY THEY ARE in unison with some really badass choreo. It's the perfect balance of respect and rebellion; it works because the rockette is such a standard part of our fan lexicon, and the small differences make us open our eyes wide. Crushed velvet kuroenbi. Ray Bans during the parade...

The duet dance also—passionate and angry and LITERALLY fiery, as Tama and Chapi dance and eventually descend through the floor with one long hard kiss surrounded the entire time by swirling flames. I mention that in case the flame effect (like the starlight during Maa's Chopin in HOT EYES) does not show up on the DVD, which would be tragic.

As beautifully and wholesomely as Tamakichi carried herself in Company she pulled out all the stops and slayed in BADDY. Dynamic (and dangerous) radiantly glowing top star. Miya is downright erotic.

Mayupon is just an alien, in the background, through costume changes, the entire time.

There was a fun amount of gender fluidity presented in sort of a nonchalant? way?? Like not the gratuitous otokoyaku-in-drag situation we usually get; paired with the free-flowing top 4 love quadrangle, it felt, dare I say, progressive.

I had an extra fun experience at my first viewing... TSUKI MATSURI! Tsukigumi has a tradition where one day per run (though I imagine not every single run) they all wear afro wigs in one scene and adlib it to hell and back. Since it was my first time and this did not seem at all out of place against the backdrop of BADDY I didn't even realize until after, but what lucky timing.

I can't wait for UeKumi's next show, and I went into QR and came out only with Tsukigumi bromides, I don’t know myself. 

[angelicimpression]

The Golden Fool By Robin Hobb

Blurb:

Prince Dutiful has been rescued from his Piebald kidnappers and the court has resumed its normal rhythms. But for FitzChivalry Farseer, a return to isolation is impossible. Though gutted by the loss of his wolf bondmate, Nighteyes, Fitz must take up residence at Buckkeep and resume his tasks as Chade’s apprentice assassin. Posing as Tom Badgerlock, bodyguard to Lord Golden, FitzChivalry becomes the eyes and ears behind the walls. And with his old mentor failing visibly, Fitz is forced to take on more burdens as he attempts to guide a kingdom straying closer to civil strife each day.

The problems are legion. Prince Dutiful’s betrothal to the Narcheska Elliania of the Out Islands is fraught with tension, and the Narcheska herself appears to be hiding an array of secrets. Then, amid Piebald threats and the increasing persecution of the Witted, FitzChivalry must ensure that no one betrays the Prince’s secret—a secret that could topple the Farseer throne: that he, like Fitz, possesses the dread “beast magic.”

Meanwhile, FitzChivalry must impart to the Prince his limited knowledge of the Skill: the hereditary and addictive magic of the Farseers. In the process, they discover within Buckkeep one who has a wild and powerful talent for it, and whose enmity for Fitz may have disastrous consequences for all.

Only Fitz’s enduring friendship with the Fool brings him any solace. But even that is shattered when unexpected visitors from Bingtown reveal devastating secrets from the Fool’s past. Now, bereft of support and adrift in intrigue, Fitz’s biggest challenge may be simply to survive the inescapable and violent path that fate has laid out for him.

Review:

I like how the book begins exactly where Fool’s Errand ended. There was no gap or skip of time that would cause mystery. It was just simply continuing. This was also good because the book was much faster paced than the last. It got straight into the drama, no catch up which I enjoyed.

Although this book lacked in major events compared to previous books and what I suspect the next book to be like; I can’t help but say that this book so far is my favourite of the series. It’s hard for me to put in words why this is the case, it’s more a gut feeling. When I think of reasons why, one that comes to mind is that this book compared to the others was very relationship heavy. It was about friendships more than anything in my opinion and I think that sort of content just hits my heart more than dragon chasing.

The Golden Fool reminds me a lot of Assassin's Apprentice. It has the similar vibes and story except rather than Fitz being the student he’s the Master as the tables turn. I think that the nostalgia the book brings to Assassin’s Apprentice might be another reason why I love the series so much.

One of things I think worth mentioning about all of the books in the Realm of Elderlings books is the writing style of lots of rhetorical questions. I think the reason I enjoy them is it reminds me of my own thinking style so it means I can relate to the character more and gives me an idea of what he’s thinking when it comes to the situation. To see how our thoughts differ.

Another writing style I really appreciate of Robin Hobb’s is her secret keeping. It’s almost impossible to guess where the plot will go because she throws secrets left right and centre. You don’t expect a secret will appear, it sneaks up on you. In a lot of cases the secrets are so late in the series that all the clues are missed because the secret is so spaced out. It’s very frustrating when reading as you just want to know everything but that’s why it’s so genius as that’s what keeps you reading. Hobb is a great writer, full of surprises despite every little detail having some importance. She’s created a brilliant very detailed world that I love.

*SPOILERS*

I want to move on to the characters and story of the book. The Fitz family-tree is mildly confusing. This is a diagram of the family tree (not including wives). Now the confusing part is Verity was in Fitz body to conceive Dutiful. So Verity is Dutiful’s spiritual father but technically Fitz is Dutiful’s biological father. However Fitz and Dutiful are cousins. In a way it’s incestual but also not, this still continues to confuse me.

In the book, Dutiful for the most part knows that Tom Badgerlock isn’t Fitz real identity and 76% through the book discovers he’s his thought to be dead uncle Fitz. However Fitz has not explained that technically he is father too, that my scar a child to be honest.

Fitz has two biological children: Dutiful and Nettle and one adopted child: Hap. In this book Hap takes a turn, he finally gets to start his apprenticeship but he falls in love with a girl named Svanja. This love is forbidden and starts to ruin his apprenticeship and his relationship with Fitz. Eventually she breaks Hap’s heart and allows him to see sense and turn his life back around luckily.

Nettle is coming more of a character now. She keeps contacting Fitz using the skill in her dreams. Nettle is very powerful in the skill and it would be great if she did come to buckeep eventually to be trained by Fitz. Sadly this can’t happen as then she’ll find out that Fitz is her dad. This divide makes me sad as I really want Fitz to be united with his little girl.

Fitz and Jinna’s relationship grows more in this book. They start sleeping together for a while but sadly no love seems to develop between them. I just want Fitz to fall in love again and forget about Molly as Jinna is a better character anyway. Hwever things got complicated for their relationship as Jinna isn’t as open-minded about the Wit as we believed her to be. I think this lack of acceptance is odd behaviour from a hedgewitch as surely she should understand what it’s like to live a life with magic. In the end it seems Jinna is a replacement for Starling rather than Molly.

A new character is Thick, Chades servant. At the beginning of the book I was suspicious of him, as I learnt my mistakes from the discovery of little Rosemary being a spy. Later these suspicions are correct as Thick turns out to be a poor spy for Laudrine. However unlike other characters, I don’t blame Thick for doing this. His name very easily explains his personality so it wasn’t his fault to be forced to spy. Eventually he turns into a lovely character that I hope never dies as I just love him. There’s one thing I don’t understand with him. His Skill is very strong and I feel for it to be as strong as it is surely he has Farseer blood, but who’s?

Finally in The Golden Fool we have a brief return of Burrich, as he chases his son from Buckeep. Fitz still doesn’t want to reveal he is alive even if it would help Burrich’s son Swift. Swift is witted and Burrich blames the wit for the loss of Fitz and tries to suppress the Wit in Swift. Eventually he disowns his son and sends him to Buckeep, without realising that Fitz will be his Wit tutor. I like this because Burrich raised Fitz and now Fitz can return the favor by raising Burrich’s son. Although it does hurt that Burrich could abandon his son like that. It’s further sad when Fitz realises Burrich is starting to lose his sight, this means he’s getting old and I don’t think he’ll be in the books much longer which is heartbreaking as a reader.

Despite Fitz losing Nighteyes at the end of the previous book, there’s not that much mention of his pain. I feel like he should be suffering more from it but he seems fine, maybe it’s just because he’s kept busy. I hope he finds a new beast in the next book… maybe a dragon.

Another new character in the series is the Outislander Narcheska Elliania Blackwater the potential bride for Dutiful to help keep an alliance. These two don’t get along too well and have a very childish attitude to each other despite the power they have. Elliania gave Dutiful the quest to a slay a dragon for her hand in marriage. She and her family are very suspicious, especially her uncle Peottre. Not much has been revealed yet except that she has mysterious tattoo’s that the Fool also shares and is involved with Dragons.

This leads me on to the Fool and how his secrets still linger. Each book we find out a little bit more but still not a satisfying amount. Something I suspect of him is that he is female. He’s been accused by various of characters of being female, such as Starling. A friend of the Fool knows him as Amber where he is known for using a woman's voice. It does make me wonder… Further still when he reveals his tattoo back to Fitz but keeps his chest cover as if he’s hiding it and then Fitz has to leave while he redresses which takes a while. There’s so many signs. It was also mean the love the Fool has for Fitz isn’t gay. We just have to wait and hope.

The next book is Fool’s Fate, this book will most likely be about the dragon quest and is even longer than this one. I believe the name of the book is to correspond with the Fool’s potential death. I don’t think he’ll reach his fate afterall the next series has his name in the book titles. I look forward to reading it.

Overall this book was brilliant and has really impressed me that I never expected. I think I’ll always remember this book and highly recommend people to read it.

Quote:

'One man armed with the right word may do what an army of swordsmen cannot.'

-

Robin Hobb, Golden Fool

Rating: 5 runes out of 5

Check out more reviews like this at: https://angelicimpressions.blogspot.com/

[stella-carrington]

Nervous

A / N: I'm really sorry, I've been super busy and sick, it's not one of my best writings but it has my heart, thanks to @wyattschreave @hazelschreave @glimmer-starr @brifitzgerald @ahmaraquill Sorry for not put all the interviews but it was very hard for me to do that at this time.

Word count: 2329

I had arrived late ... Despite everything Lady Lorelai couldn't be seen anywhere in the room, the girls talked and a slight murmured filled the room, I also realized that we were only Ahmara, Glimmer, Brianna and I, clearly something was happening and I had no idea about what it was.

I walked with determined steps and sat on a small sofa, I had no desire to talk so I settled into the seat and took a breath, a small feeling of anxiety began to grow in me, I wanted to know what was about to happen.

Prince Wyatt came into the room with a folder in his hands and looked at all the presents in the room and a lot of my doubts were solved in that small moment, I had completely forgotten the simulation of the interviews "So, I'm Wyatt, you all know that or at least I hope you do. " It took a breath of air "I learned your names in advance to skip over introductions and get to it, I hope you do not mind Let's begin with something simple, shall we?" He picked up the folder so that we could all see it "In here I have information on you guys The type of things you should expect from the media If I have people that can find this information, newspapers and magazines will not fall short. I apologize if I bring up something that makes you uncomfortable ... but sadly, these are the question you could get at any moment Random interview, at a ball, or even once you're outside of these walls and the media frenzy of being eleven a Selected sticks with you.You need to be ready. "

When Wyatt finished speaking my feelings gave a great change and I felt confident, all my life had been about that, from the cradle I was destined to it and from the cradle I had been prepared.

"Sure thing, cutie!" Glimmer said.

Wyatt looked at Glimmer and cleared his throat "Right ..."

I turned my face when I heard Princess Hazel come in, she stepped aside from Wyatt and scrutinized us with her gaze.

"I thought you were sticking with Layla," Wyatt addressed Hazel.

"I'm just here to study your method of teaching"

He rolled his eyes when Hazel finished talking "Anyway, you'll get a question from me." He approached Brianna and positioned himself in front of her "You'll go first." He turned around to address us "When it's not your turn, I want to pay close attention to the reaction of the person getting the question. end. " He went back to Brianna "When you get asked stuff like this, there are people who are watching and pay attention. You have to be aware of that. just like Layla was in our demonstration. "

Brianna nodded carefully "Yes, I am ready."

"well she’s stiff." Glimmer murmured to me that he was beside me.

I felt slightly indignant when I listened to her

"Pffff Do you have something good to say?" I frowned, shook my head to fix my attention on Brianna and completely ignored Glimmer.

"Whatever" Glimmer said and I noticed how he rolled his eyes.

Wyatt fixed his eyes on the folder, fell silent for a few seconds and then looked up at Brianna. He spoke like a reporter, "Lady Brianna, from Allens, right? Have you ever heard of Officer Evan?"

When I saw how Brianna opened her eyes, surprised and smiled in a false way, I knew that Wyatt had giveN in the correct point "I heard from him, I am a friend of my family.

Wyatt tilted his head "You must've heard the rumors then ... do you know who it might be? The girl he's in from your town?" He approached Brianna and spoke as if it were a secret "Many people have talked about it How do you have second doubts Do you have anything to say in his defense?"

"Oooohhhhhhh drama" whispered Glimmer

Brianna looked down, took a deep breath, and looked back at Wyatt with a frown, her nerves visible. "I am not aware of the lives of others, but I hope that the girl loves her."

"But you are family friends, right? You must know he's engaged? What will happen to his fiancée?" Wyatt spoke like a real interviewer trying to push Brianna to a bad point.

I sighed carefully "I think she did well ..." I whispered to myself

Glimmer chuckled "sounds like she's having an affair and ruining a happy engagement"

Support my hands on my face "this is too ... uncomfortable"

Brianna ran her hands over her skirt, gulped and took a deep breath "From what I know of him, I am an honest and serious person in spite of everything. an important decision, but for something he chose her and nobody else. "

Wyatt nodded and brushed aside his reporter persona "Good way to end it, Calm and collected." She addressed us "Pulling out to make a point in your favor is a smart move" she looked at Brianna over her shoulder "and what you said makes you seem understanding of the situation." He joined the circle "Now, can someone point out what she did wrong?"

And as expected, Glimmer raised his hand with a sly smile

"... yes Glimmer"

"She started off stiff, she fumbled with her words, she did not straight forward deny the rumor that it was her implied, she added to that possibility that it could be her by first saying he had spoken to her when that was Not even asked of her ... You only asked if she knew that he was. Hearing sweetie. him to keep talking with her. Oh! Also she fidgeted with her skirt which makes her seem nervous like she has something to hide. "

Wyatt raised his eyebrows and cleared his throat "Well ..."

As much as I would have liked to restrain myself, my impulse was greater, I looked at Glimmer and spoke clearly "criticize is very easy for you?"

"Just makes me a better person." "We're our own worst critic after all." Must be so mean to myself. "

"Uhhhh" reach out to hear Wyatt whisper.

Hazel took the lead "Glimmer is not wrong about her first observations. Though ... maybe saying it with a little less enthusiasm would help." You need to pay close attention to what the reporter is asking. curve ball to see how you react. If you so much as flinch they'll know where to push. "

Wyatt nodded and confronted Brianna "Since the moment I asked you the question, you're eyes widened. If someone had been taking a picture of the conversation without you knowing, it would've been used against you."

Glimmer smiled victoriously and I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Get used to smiling a bit whenever a question is just made That way you give yourself time to process the question, but do not react in a negatively."

Brianna nodded attentively "Alright, I will have that in mind for future ocassions"

He nodded "Sorry again if implied something that was not true." Wyatt turned around and addressed my "You're up next"

I nodded "okay, let's start" I smiled sideways with full confidence.

As with Brianna Wyatt, she stepped in front of me, opened her folder, read it, closed it and spoke "You're one of the Selected that's had a well-known love life before this, Lady Stella."

"oh yes, it's something no one can deny" I laughed a little as I was more than aware where it was going.

"The young voice and growing actor." What many fans were sad to find out and you broke up and there was no real word from you two about it .... "

"Well, I think it was a big surprise and something difficult to face for many, but nothing is forever things I tend to have an end, I am also aware that many are interested or were interested in the subject but Ian and I respect each other's private lives, that is one of the great reasons why we prefer to be discreet almost always "I said calmly while maintaining eye contact with Wyatt.

"Things tend to have an end?" Wyatt feigned surprise and approached me in a clear attempt to make me uncomfortable. "So you were just having a fling for however long it could last? Is that what you're planning with Prince Ben?" I frown "Is it true you only dated Ian because of his fame? Is this why did you decide to join the Selection?" * whistles * "Stella Carrington the Heartbreaker"

Wyatt had transgressed my words in an impressive way, he did it in such a real way that even for a moment I felt like it was a real interview.

"C'mon Stella, you got this" I heard Brianna whisper behind me and I was a little relieved to receive her support.

"Bet its true" Glimmer said momentarily ruining the tranquility Brianna gave me.

"That I say that things have an end that does not mean that it was a fling" I smiled calmly "if things happen with Ben they will also have an end but it will be a long term ending as it is said in marriages" until dead do us apart "" shake my head keeping my composure "I did not date Ian for his fame, I consider myself a person with a solid moral solidity, and fame despite being part of my life is not the most important thing so I wouldn 't be able to sacrifice my feelings for fame and finally I'm not in the selection for fame I'm here to try new things, have fun and learn, to be someone renewed. "

The whispers were present throughout the room

"She did not get it" I heard Glimmer whisper

"She did not get what," whispered Princess Hazel to Glimmer

"Brianna was saying Stella slayed it, I'm saying she was not perfect."

"Oh ... um--" Hazel said.

"Did you hear her words? I think that she answered as perfectly as could be answered, I'm not sorry." I smiled happily at Brianna's words.

"She was too haughty talking about death do us part People could percive it as her being overly confident." I rolled my eyes when I heard Glimmer, I could not believe what he was saying

"Stella answered her question about Ben, but it's okay if you do not understand what she meant. Not everybody can." Brianna responded magnificently to Glimmer.

"I did not understand what it was about, it makes her sound like she's already won the thing." I frowned as I listened to Glimmer.

"She did not say that she has already won, she only said that because he asked her about" what if ...? "Please, stop"

"I'm just trying to help with even minor comments that can lead to problems. If you do not like my feedback, feel free to sound like a fool when you're actually interviewed."

Help ?, That nor I was able to believe it, somehow I began to bother his attitude, his need to criticize everything.

"No, it's okay if you have feedback. Just give constructive feedback, which you have not."

"Alright, you did wonderful Stella, I would just suggest avoiding being cocky next time.

I decided not to say anything, I was not in the mood, Glimmer was behaving like a little capricious girl bothered by not being right and I had not come down to his level.

Hazel cleared her throat "Hold your horses now, This is not a cat fight, Commentary should be objective." Hazel looked at Brianna "but making an argument longer than it should be a good idea in public." I speak and this time I look at Glimmer "Confidence is not always bad, and she implied" if "things happened with Ben.It was not a bad way to start."

"But there can be a couple of improvements for sure." Now Wyatt turned to my "When you refused dating, Ian for his fame and explained why, you smiled. You do not seem angry, which is great, but showing some sort of concern about the implication would make it better" to exemplify What he said, he frowned a little, "See? It seems weird if you're always smiling." There's a balance depending on what you say. "

Listen carefully to Wyatt's recommendations "I understand, I smiled because it was something I wanted to do, I smiled for me and not for the camera, obviously I'll keep it in mind" I assent giving him the reason.

Wyatt really and now approached Glimmer "Alright Glimmer, your time to shine."

"Thank you, Looking forward to it." Glimmer said with a smile

He looked at Glimmer "I'm so sure." Wyatt positioned the folder under his arm but it got complicated "Stupid sprain ..." he said no more and focused his attention on Glimmer "There has been rumors about your Report dress, Lady Glimmer." Knock off Dior? great beuty icon, many of your fans have been disappointed! "

really? I asked myself, I was not willing to hear such irrelevance, so if I step back and concentrate on everything but the interviews.

"It was not bad, but technically, you did, that goes for all of you, however." He took a step back and looked at us "There's things to improve." You were obviously going to show some mistakes along the way. I look at Glimmer before continuing "Some have more experience at this than other But I've pointed out what I saw You know what to watch out for now Keep it mind." Wyatt left the small circle "If you wish, you can stay here and practice between yourselves a bit more." Trash talk each other and force yourselves to keep a smile on, or think of scenarios where you would have to keep your reactions in check Either way, it's your choice, your free to go back to your room if you want. "

I didn't need to listen anymore, I left the room in the direction of my room without saying any word as if I was a ghost.

[together-forevermore-blog]

Re-watch Wednesday: My Favorite “The 100″ Episodes – “Murphy’s Law”

Disclaimer: Since this is part of a re-watch that I’m doing between Season 4 and Season 5 of “The 100,” my comments will reflect that and range from reprimanding, praising, and laughing with/at characters to picking apart a line/scene. References will be made to later episodes so SPOILERS are plentiful. (Unless life gets too crazy, there will be 2 re-watches a week until the Season 5 premiere)

The 100: 1x04 – Murphy’s Law (aka the “Whatever the hell we want doesn’t work” episode)

Why it’s a favorite: It’s the beginning of Clarke and Bellamy working as a team, sets the foundation for Bellamy and Murphy’s relationship, and the repercussions from events and decisions made are still seen and felt in Season 4.

We start the episode to a pan of the blockade wall surrounding the dropship camp. Various pieces of metal – scraps and ladder, fabric and wood have been placed wherever they work or fit. It’s glaringly obvious that it was constructed by those who weren’t knowledgeable about construction. And while it’s astounding that they built anything of its scale, I can’t help but wonder: were they really naïve enough to think it would protect them? Or were they hoping it would give them a delay? Traps would’ve been a good idea. But did they know how to build any? It’s a sharp reminder of how ill-prepared they were. Only later do we learn about their Earth Skills training but I’m guessing they wished they’d paid closer attention now that they’ve landed, learned they aren’t alone on Earth and that they’re not welcome additions to the planet.

Clarke kneeling at Wells’ grave – It serves as a reminder of what happened in the previous episode. Not just Charlotte killing Wells, but also Clarke finally figuring out that Wells lied about who turned her father in to protect her from knowing the truth. Sacrificing their friendship and letting her hate him. And as the camera pans over to Clarke kneeling at the foot of his grave, we see her lost in her thoughts about Wells and more than likely, her regrets about how she treated him and the time they lost as friends because of her assumptions of his guilt.

Damn, Finn! You’d think by now that you would know not to sneak up behind people. Especially when the one you pine over is kneeling by the grave of her friend who was supposedly killed by Grounders!

The Art Supply Store – OMG! I’d completely forgotten that we learn about the Art Supply Store in this episode! And just like that, my excitement over remembering the significance of the place is smacked away with Clarke’s reminiscing about Wells giving her art supplies on the Ark. How he traded his own stuff to get her those supplies. . .And again, I have to remind myself that the book and the series are each there own entities and that at least I have the option of opening a book if I want to get a Wells fix. I digress.

“My mother killed my father.” – I’m going to get technical here. She turned him in which lead to him getting killed, but she knew that by turning him in that he would be floated. But she didn’t actually pull the trigger, stick him with a knife, or in this case – push the button that floated him. And I think that’s what eventually gets Clarke to move past this realization that her mom killed her father. And also the fact that as Clarke becomes more of a leader she faces decisions that make her realize that doing what is needed to survive sometimes makes you do things that you could never imagine, goes against your beliefs and sometimes your better judgement. But at this moment she’s hurt and angry and she finds the most effective way that she can make her mom feel her pain.

Ah, Murphy! You never fail to disappoint. Pissing on a guy who needed a water break, just because you can. All right in front of Charlotte. And they make it a point to show her expression as Murphy tells the guy to get over it and yells at everyone to get back to work. The look of someone disgusted and not happy about the fact that they can’t do anything to stop it.

My poor adorkable Jaspy! Octavia helps you to venture outside the protective walls of the camp, only to be confronted by a prank and then a couple of cut off fingers on the ground.

Kane: the busybody, the “I’m tracking everyone,” ready to stick it to everyone guy that everybody loves. . .well, maybe not. But at least he has the bad guard. What’s his name again? Oh that’s right. Commander Shumway. I bet they’re both a hoot at parties.

“The less you know, the better.” – The 100 equivalent to saying “This is going to blow up in our faces.”

“Like it or not thinking the Grounders killed Wells is good for us.” – I could go on and on about the comparison to this argument and the one Bellamy makes to her in 4x01, but I’ll save that for a later time. I do wonder though that if he’d gone about it differently; tried to reason with her about people forming a lynch mob instead of making it about needing people to stay focused on building the wall, he might have convinced her to heed his warning. Or at least make her pause before she goes out and confronts Murphy in front of everyone.

Yeah, this is where that “First son. First to dye.” declaration from 1x01 comes back to bite Murphy in his ass. And I think this is par for him. He constantly does stuff in the moment that makes him feel good and better about himself. Things that hide his insecurities, usually by trying to make others feel lesser about themselves. The “I’m in charge, can do anything I want and you can’t stop it.” mentality. Because he’s scared of losing it (power) and without it he won’t “belong.” And how quickly people remember all the things he’s done that point to his guilt. Trying to kill Jasper, bullying people into working, peeing on a guy that needs a drink of water. . .So when he tries to convince Bellamy that he didn’t do it, nobody believes him (or wants to).

From the look on her face before, you’d think Charlotte would be with the crowd in wanting to see Murphy get some kind of payback. But there’s only signs of worry and distress on her face as they carry and roll Murphy away. Her worry turns to disbelief as the crowd chants for Bellamy to kick the box out from under Murphy and Clarke pleads with him to stop it. It’s the disbelief that surprises me. It points to her moving past her acting selfishly and that’s surprising when you think about the fact that she killed a guy because his dad’s actions caused her nightmares. Only in the horror of this moment, of seeing the crowd turn on Murphy and him swinging from a rope is she able to think of someone else.

And then the look of realization that she’s probably next to hang after she admits that she killed Wells. . .The mommy in me comes out when I watch this happen.

“I need a pressure regulator.” “What for?” “Regulating Pressure.” – Lol! It cracks me up every time!

“I was just trying to slay my demons” – Charlotte “I was just giving the people what they wanted.” – Bellamy: Justifications for killing and trying to kill someone. I’ve got to admit, I’m conflicted a little with Charlotte because she’s arguably young enough to not fully grasp the consequences of her actions. And I wonder if that’s part of the uneasiness and reluctance from the crowd when Murphy suggests that they “see the real murderer hung up.” But Bellamy? He waylays into Clarke about how she confronted Murphy when he’s just as guilty of not thinking through his decisions. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a Bellamy fan. He’s my favorite character. But at this point I have a hard time liking him. Good thing for him that The 100 is big on character transformations.

OMG! I just realized that Murphy punches Jasper after hitting Bellamy over the head with a piece of wood. Not cool, Murphy! Someone please wrap Jasper in some bubble wrap.

Dun. Dun. Dun. – Charlotte’s escaped with Clarke and Finn. The old escape through the back flap in the tent trick.

Again with the “The less you know, the better.” declaration. This time from Abby. Y’all are tempting fate, you know that right? Or at least maybe The 100 writers.

Clarke refusing to hold Charlotte’s hand and then her reprimand: “You killed someone, Charlotte! Ended his life! Did you stop to think about that for even one second?! Look at me! You can’t just kill someone to make yourself feel better!” – The look on Charlotte’s face. It’s heartbreaking. I think this is when the consequences of her actions really hit her. Up until now, she could convince herself that everything would be okay even though there’s someone chasing them that wants to hang her. Clarke, Bellamy, and Finn will still accept her. After all, they’re trying to hide her from Murphy and keeping her safe. But that illusion evaporates when Clarke refuses to comfort her by returning her hand hold and then scolds her for her actions.

Hiding out in the Art Supply Store – I like how it allows for the opportunity for the characters to have a moment to slow down and reflect. Clarke admitting that Bellamy knew better than her and that there needs to be consequences for actions or this is just going to keep on happening. And then there’s Finn’s hope that they figure out how to resolve all of this “before Murphy kills us for helping her.” which Charlotte very much hears. Further pounding it in to her that there’s no escaping what she did and that she needs to take responsibility for her actions. Because if she doesn’t, people she cares about will get hurt, or worse, killed. It distressed her to witness the hanging of a guy who she didn’t care for and she feels guilty for it. How much more so would she feel if that happened to Clarke or Finn? People she actually cares about.

Kane has a mother? And she seems like a nice lady? Dude! What happened? Maybe he’s more like his dad?

“He’s here to see me, Vera. Go on with your mumbo-jumbo.” – I wish we’d gotten to see more of Nygel.

I also wish we’d gotten another beat before Clarke’s happiness of waking up with her head on Finn’s shoulder was stolen away. But at least there was a smile.

 Abby: always willing to do whatever’s necessary to make sure that they make it to Earth and survive. Including sacrificing her life so Raven can make it down to Earth and prove that living there is possible.

Charlotte’s fears come true – Murphy holds a knife to Clarke’s throat and threatens to slit it. I’ll admit that I held my breath when I first watched this scene. I didn’t know if Finn or Bellamy would miraculously somehow get Clarke away from Murphy or if Charlotte would give herself up to him. If Bellamy hadn’t have stopped her, I think she would’ve given herself up to Murphy. It was a standoff. Murphy wouldn’t let Clarke go, Bellamy wouldn’t let Charlotte give herself up. So she did what I never saw coming.

“I can’t let any of you get hurt anymore. Not because of me. Not after what I did.” – I’m not kidding, I think I sat with my mouth hanging open the rest of the episode when I first watched Charlotte jump off the cliff. The kid that killed a person to stop her nightmares sacrifices herself to save others. . .It was just so shocking to me. And I missed several things that happened after that because I was too shocked to notice them. Finn’s “Damnit!” expression. Murphy’s look of “I can’t believe it” mixed with “Holy shit!” as Clarke and Bellamy grieve over what just happened.

Bellamy’s grief turns to rage and Murphy’s face becomes the target and method of release from everything that’s been building up until that moment. He’s angry at what’s happened, blames Murphy for forcing what happened, Clarke for not listening to him, and, knowing Bellamy, he must blame himself too. I honestly thought he would kill Murphy as angry as he was. Thank god for Finn pulling him away.

And then we get to what Charlotte’s sacrifice leads to: they reject the way things are done on the Ark and decide to lead together. Not really having any idea what that decision will eventually lead them to.

I always forget until the end of this episode that it’s the one where Finn gets upset about the wristbands frying and has a meltdown that ends up with him and Clarke sleeping together. I think it’s a natural reaction for them. They’ve obviously had an attraction to each other and are scared that there’s no possibility of their loved ones joining them. Sadly, with all that happens with him, Raven and Clarke after this episode, this ends up being one of the last times that I look at Finn as the “Cool Finn” that we’re introduced to in the first couple of episodes. It’s not until we get to Spacewalker that his character makes it full circle (just my personal feelings about him though).

[inspirationallyinsane]

October 26 2017

Hi Tumblr. It has been a really long time since I've written a post like this. I've been posting some poetry and some pictures though. I don't know. There has been a lot going on in my life, a lot that I felt I couldn't write about but now maybe it's ok. I'm still not sure. Maybe I don't care as much anymore. I guess the biggest thing is that I broke up with AG. Things weren't as good as I made them out to be and I think a lot of you, my readers or whoever, knew that. We are just in very different places. Very different people. I wanted things to be good and I wanted things to work but at this point it looks like everything is done for real. We were quasi back together for a little bit a month or so after we broke up. I was in a weird and lonely place and I think he was too. Not that I can speak for him or know what was going on but I believe that maybe continuing to see him was a mistake. It broke my heart even more and it made it a lot harder to accept everything. Over the last week I struggled a lot. I feel better now. We haven't talked in awhile. I hope he is happy. After AG and I broke up I started dating this guy from work. I was kinda dating him before AG and I broke up if I'm being honest. But I didn't mean to like him as much as I did. I had no idea that things would get to where they were. This guy is really amazing. He's the greatest. And everything with him was so good for a while. He said he loved me and I said I loved him and it all seemed perfect. But then he started getting distant and not talking to me and now we don't talk at all. I am confused and hurt and really sad. I don't understand what happened. I don't know how a person could go from 100-0 so quickly. Part of me believes he was just playing me the whole time. That this was some cruel joke and in all reality he hates me for some reason and so he decided to fuck me over. But that makes no sense. I hadn't talked to the guy before starting work at Target and at least at work I'm a relatively pleasant person. Another part of me really wants to believe him when he says life is just hard for him right now and he has been really busy. I know that if a person cares about you they will make time for you but I would be truly devastated if I thought that he didn't care about me anymore. I know that eventually I will have to face that devastation and I will have to cry about him but I don't want to cry about him yet. I've cried too much already. Interestingly enough, I wrote a few poems about this guy and how I think he might be my next one. My next real love, right? It was always a might be though. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure, the way I was with Austin. And now I am sure. And the only thing that changed was his interest in me. I'm a fucked up kind of person. I can't love someone until they don't love me. What is wrong with me? I think that maybe part of it is that so many people do fall in love with me so easily. And that's not a pompous thing, I just know what I'm doing when it comes to getting certain guys to love me. So when I come across someone, like Austin, where I am utilizing all my best techniques and it seems as if he should love me, and he doesn't, it is so different and shocking that it really makes me feel something. Or maybe it is one of those things where you don't realize what you have until it is gone. As cliche as that is, it may apply. Who knows? I often say that I feel a lot. More than other people do, perhaps. But I'm not really sure if that's true. It is not easy for me to really care about another person. I don't get super attached easily. Sometimes I feel more attached than other times. Especially with people who I should love. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with my love for them and I cry. Other times I feel nothing at all. I feel that it would be fun to make them cry, it would be fun to break their smiles, it would be fun to take everything from them. I don't understand why I feel this way. My mom would say that is simply a cry for help response. Maybe she is right. Maybe I am drowning a lot more than I know. I'm not sure. I'm doing well right now, from the outside. I'm doing well in school, I'm working hard and making money. I payed off all the debt I had and got a new computer. I just put together my first official manuscript and I'm working to get published. I'm doing some really cool things. But personally I'm a disaster. I'm sad, all the time. And it's different than it used to be. It's real sadness. Not depression sadness, which can be harder, but genuine heartbreaking sadness. It's not my normal emptiness. I'm used to feeling empty but now I'm also sad. I don't lack things or people in my life. Maybe it is just that I lack what, or who, I want right now and that is really hard for me. This is why I don't go falling in love. I said I was done. I didn't want to be in love. I talked to a lot of people about this. I didn't love AG the way I loved Austin but I had fun with AG and he cared about me and that was enough. I didn't want to love someone the way I loved Austin ever again. Because I was so broken over it. I was sad. I'm not good with being sad. I like being angry or hurt or empty but sadness is not my jam. Anyway. What does it matter I guess. I'm doing some pretty cool things with my life so fuck anyone who doesn't want to be apart of it. I'm really proud of my manuscript. I'm writing a book of poetry. It's called The Men I've Loved. It's about my dad and my brother and all the guys I've been in love with. Honestly I think it's really cool. And not just because I wrote it and I worked really hard on it but also because it is unique in its structure and even most of its content I think. I've always struggled with the fact that I almost exclusively write love poems but some things you just have to own. I am who I am and this is what matters to me. Anyway. I really hope things work out and y'all can be buying copies of my first book soon :) how cool would that be?? I think I might just die if I do get it published. Where could I go from there? What more would there be? My classes are going well. I'm slaying it out. I'm acing all my psych tests and I'm actually going to USEM and doing the reading. I'm working so much harder than I used to. I'm not going to lie, school seems so easy now. When you have gone to work for 8-9 hours at Target, doing 30 minutes of homework seems like nothing. I'm also killing it at my job. I recently got a pay raise. Not much, but considering there was a while there where I was worried I would be fired, I think it's good progress. Plus, I've only been working for three months. I do a good job, and I love my job. I love Target, I really do. It's tough for me to be there sometimes now, but I'm not going to let anything, or anyone, get in the way of my money or my education or my goals. Fuck that. He can eat me. Oh! And you know what?? I'm not sure if I ever wrote about it, I'm actually p sure I did, but there was that kid from my youth group who I thought was really cute, he works at Target too now! And obviously things are different, like I have learned how to chill tf out about things but it is still nice to see a friendly face around. Especially if that friendly face is adorable. He's a nice guy and he's good at his job. It's just interesting how things work out I guess. Never thought I'd see him again in my life. I'm glad I've been able to find balance. I still have time to do the things I love, like play league or watch my shows, but I'm not obsessive about anything anymore. Even those guys I write about, honestly most of the time I don't have the time or energy to focus on it. Like right now I do because I have time to write and think, but when I have school and work, I'm pretty ok. Life is going well, despite my sadness. I guess that is all for now. I hope all my readers and followers are happy~

[bornfromscarletcords]

A WOLF’S VERSE

Frederick, Faris, and Conti sitting by a campfire in the Willows.

Conti: Chief, you said something about the world, it being in our heads or something. How does that work exactly?

Faris: Strangely.

Frederick: Look, it’s not perfect, but I think that’s one of the better ways of describing it. Existence is too willful to be chained for very long. At best we can try to sketch its shape with a couple of ideas and analogies but they often have inherent flaws which have to be addressed and or balanced at some point.

Conti: That sounds...annoying.

Faris: It is very annoying, but it provides us with options; nigh endless room for improvement.

Conti: If it’s one of the best ways of describing it, why doesn’t everyone agree on that, in your opinion?

Frederick: There are a number of reasons, one of the more popular ones that I’ve witnessed is pride. Even if someone knows something in their core, understanding it can prove harrowing and heartbreaking. Existence is confusing and so often drifts into tragedy. This mad sorrow can put people to war with themselves, unable to accept who they are and what their world is...or at least what these things could be.

Conti: But if what you’re saying is true, wouldn’t that make us like gods or something.

Faris: Or devils, though a sorry lot of divines we’d be if any rat, or pebble on the road, could claim the title just the same.

Frederick: Words, like ideas, are strange things. They can lose their substance if misused, however, when in capable hands, they can level worlds.

Faris: We were all human, or at least were very good at pretending to be, at one point. Maybe that’s why we focus on them so often. Why we continue to live amongst them. Regardless, humans are very confused creatures, or perhaps they just dance to a chaotic hymn that is entirely their own. From what I’ve seen they are often numb to each other. Every once in a while you’ll encounter a couple who, for one reason or another, are in tune with the existence of their fellow man, but more often than not it’s like watching an ouroboros; a serpent constantly consuming itself.

Frederick: And even those rare few so often become lost in what they feel, as few others will acknowledge it or seek to understand. One of the first things I noticed about this wolfish curse, or blessing, was that it wanted...it needed connection. Its subjects would heed their birthright and their burden or they would die and disappear.

Conti: Their birthright?

Faris: Their connection to all things.

Frederick: Their existence within all things.

Conti: And this is all because of our minds?

Frederick: Language is tricky. Metaphorically, and literally, speaking one of the greatest obstacles to people understanding one another is translation. Communication is difficult even between people who share the same language let alone people who are from completely different linguistic territories. Not to mention that just because it looks like a person understands what you’re saying and responds relatively appropriately, it doesn’t mean that they’ve actually registered what you’ve said.

Conti: Like a coincidence.

Faris: More like a mistake, a misunderstanding, an intentional sabotage. In our every moment, waking and otherwise, there is a power at work. Just because a thing is not seen doesn’t mean it is nonexistent.

Frederick: Like the mind, though I suppose in this case the word “soul” would work just as well. Invisible and difficult to track at times but in its wake, in the space that forms around it, we can feel its presence, not unlike existence.

Faris: Our wolves, our werewolves, they’re given less room to ignore the connectivity in the design of existence. They need a potent system, potentially more so than a human, or at least in a different way. Humans have families, and organizations, and what they call friends but their use of these bonds compared to how we use our wolf packs is like a comparing a lighter to an atomic bomb, or the sun.

Frederick: As was said, humans are relatively confused, and unfocused, at least from what we have seen. They don’t need the type of energy one of our packs could generate and even if they did, it would probably destroy them.

Conti: And why do our packs generate this much “energy”?

Frederick: I suppose...because we’re “hungrier” than humans.

Conti: Hungrier?

Faris: Or perhaps we just have a different “diet”.

Conti: I’m still not sure how this relates to this all being in our heads.

Frederick: Well, humans are creative and some do come up with relatively interesting theories about the nature of consciousness and the potential of a soul, but too few experience or remember what it means to transcend one’s limitations; in a sense, to make theory reality. Our wolves have to change often, and this change reminds them of what they are, what is possible and what is, in many ways, inevitable. We share each other’s pain, we sacrifice it and in exchange our minds, our souls are no longer limited to what we assume to be our physical shells. We exist as a singular self yet we also exist as each other.

Conti: So part of our mind is in the pack?

Faris: Yes, more or less.

Frederick: And what we’ve sort of been dancing around is that a mind, a soul, or whatever you want to call it is not a stagnant thing. It has a life or at least an animation to it. Existence can exist within these things because they have a spark to them, miraculous portions full of possibility. When people stop fighting these portions and instead seek to understand and utilize their best aspects these people often find that they too were made worthy and can shape miracles.   

Conti: So anyone could do something amazing? Doesn’t that sort of hurt the legitimacy of your office chief?

Faris: Ha! More like it shows just how amazing he is. We earn our place, or at least that is the intention. Frederick is who he is, what he is, because of the hardships which strengthened him and his choice to be a walking talking phenomenon. Plus, if at least a small part of us didn’t like having him around then he’d have a tough time staying. What I mean to say is that he leads our packs because part of all of his wolves wants or needs him to lead.

Conti: That true?

Frederick: Mas o menos.

Conti: So what I’m getting here, and correct me if I’m wrong, is that all our minds or souls or whatever are connected and through that connection we have something like existence. However existence is miraculous so often it’s hard to describe outside of using a series of analogies which are often all flawed in one form or another. Humans have trouble coming to terms with this “soul-network” and by association their own selves and so often war against it/each other. This is in contrast to our werewolves which are obligated not to ignore it or fight it unnecessarily because if they do they’ll probably die or be damaged in some way, at least when it comes to their own immediate packs/packmates.

Faris: So far so good.

Conti: The added complication being that creatures like us, creatures with a conscious duality or multiplicity to our minds sort of prove, just by existing, that a mind can have layers which do not always work harmoniously or at least homogeneously. In a sense, existence or the universe, or the multiverse or god or whatever is this giant structure broken up into many tiny pieces which can look and function very differently. It is large and small. One and many.

Frederick: The greatest of us and the least of us.

Conti: And all of this would be...is painfully obvious, however, because of the way it is structured, at least as far as we’ve seen, it is extremely difficult to communicate effectively.

Frederick: Possibly because to even acknowledge it is to commit an act of supernatural heroism and unforgivable heresy.

Conti: Because we’d realize that we are the true giants and could crush everything in our path.

Faris: Or that even as slight and nigh insignificant beings we could slay titans all the same. That even a common anybody, or nobody, could stand for everybody.

Frederick: And fall for them.           

[markxforother]

20 YEARS OF BUFFY, 10 FEMINIST LESSONS

Buffy The Vampire Slayer turns 20 years of age and as a massive fan who has been watching it since I was 10 years old, here are my top ten feminist lessons and moments from the show.

1. Self Reliance and the Strength Within.

One thing that Buffy as a show tackled well was the importance and downfall of being a self-reliant, independent woman in today’s world. What aided her in her defeat of her abusive vamp ex was also what isolated her from her friends and family. Buffy showed that whilst as a woman it is important to have friends and family but it is vital to draw from the strength within whilst also not being afraid to ask for help. 

Angelus: Now that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends...No hope. Take all that away... and what's left? Buffy: Me.

2. Joyce - single mother extraordinaire

Joyce Summer’s was the single mother to Buffy and also Dawn (it’s a whole thing)

She was kind, caring and to a point, pretty understanding. She freaked out about Buffy losing her virginity and being a vampire slayer but throughout it all she was always there for her daughter. She squared off power hungry principals, vampires and even a killer slayer, she defended her child and she did it alone. She vowed to protect and love Dawn especially after finding out she wasn’t really her biological daughter and taught Buffy compassion and responsibility in a way she had never faced, despite saving the world numerous times. 

Her death contributed to one of the most heartbreaking tv episodes ever seen (and there’s a lot!) it was real, raw and not like anything television at that time had seen. It was a testament to her character and what she meant to Buffy, her friends and also to the show and its fans.

Joyce: You get the hell away from my daughter!

3. Women and Sexuality 

Buffy the Vampire Slayer pushed boundaries in many ways but one of the most important boundaries was that of the first lesbian sex scene on network television in America. Whilst some aren’t fans of using magic as a subtext of their relationship, Tara and Willow’s relationship grew in one of the most well rounded, healthy and honest relationships on the entire show. Willow’s gradual exploration and realisation of her sexuality is also important. Everyone regardless of how they define their sexuality comes to realise it and navigate it in different ways. 

The show also tackled straight female sexuality, from Buffy’s loss of virginity to who she thought was the right guy but turned nasty, to Kendra’s shy engagement with boys to Faith’s open and care free attitude, there was always a strong message that sex and sexuality was important and different for each female character in the show  and can mean different things at different times in your life. The main message for young women is, as long as your choices are healthy and make you happy, who really cares?!

Willow: ...and I think I’m kinda gay?

4. What it feels like to be just a girl. 

Buffy isn’t a natural superhero, from the film and the flashbacks she was a cheerleading prom loving girl who was Chosen and had her destiny forced upon her.

From the episode Prophecy Girl where Buffy finds out she’s going to die, to explaining what being a slayer is to her mother and lamenting on wanting to just paint her nails, Buffy struggles with what it means to have so much responsibility, face all the darkness in the world whilst just wanting to be a normal girl.

Whether its discrimination in the workplace, our right to abortions, sexual assault, maternity rights and all the problems women face, it can feel like the weight of the world is on our shoulders and that we are fighting daily battles and making sacrifices just to get by. 

But we’re all just girls, we all have dreams, hopes and aspirations. We all have silly things we do to make ourselves feel better and we all want to be loved and respected.

We all want equality for everyone and right now, to do that, we’ve got to keep slaying.

Kid: But you're... you're just a girl. Buffy: ....That's what I keep saying.

5. Male allies

The men in Buffy are definitely second fiddle but are vital. I’m going to start by admitting that re-watching the first couple of season of Buffy, Xander is a bit dick! Right got that out of my system, but just like the women in the show he grew and learnt and became the heart of the group. From his unwavering support of Buffy, his iconic pep talk with Dawn which makes me cry every time, to saving the world by reminding Willow of her humanity. Xander became the best friend you wish you had.

Giles became Buffy’s father figure quite early on in the series and accepted her for all her faults and never judged her for it. He jeopardised his job by standing up to the patriarchal system that made him her Watcher and pretty much tortured her, he was willing to die and kill for her and took all of her friends under his wing as well. 

It’s important to remind ourselves that Feminism is about equality so if you’re lucky enough to have male allies around you, appreciate their value and support.Yes, they are doing as they should but whilst they may benefit from it more that us, they are also victims of the Patriachy as well.  If they’re fighting to good fight and not intimated by your strength, I say hats off to you sirs!

Buffy: But this is all my fault.

Rupert Giles: No. I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And he has proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are gonna be hard. I suspect on all of us, but if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. 

All you will get from me  is my support. And my respect.

7. The Slayer, The Mother, The Geek, The Prom Queen, The Killer, The Demon, The Witch, The Key 

Labels are placed on women all the time and can feel suffocated by the expectations around that, where its mother, career women, whore, virgin, girly or tomboy, society rarely allows to be all these things or none. We have to fall into one group or another and if we try and mix them around we get called up on being contrary or worse - attempting to ‘have it all.’

You can label each one of the main women that make up the Buffyverse but each one defies its stereotype growing into complex and realised people, just like everyday women. 

Buffy was a peppy pretty girl with a secret and evolved to a maternal yet isolated warrior who had grown tired of the weight of being a Slayer, to finally embracing her role as a leader a teacher. Willow was a geek and also an all powerful witch, Faith was a killer but was also vulnerable, Anya was a demon who also was a doting girlfriend. 

Their stereotypes are fantasy extremes but each character was one thing at the start and something different by the end, they are real, three-dimensional women growing, learning, falling and rising up again.

Buffy: I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies.

8. Misogyny can kill even the strongest of women

In one of the weaker seasons of Buffy, season 6 did however thrive in tackling the subject of misogyny.  After Buffy comes back from the dead, she is left feeling lost, alone and seeking sexual solace in Spike, a vampire. When she realises that their relationship isn’t healthy and that she’s been sleeping with him for all the wrong reasons, he doesn’t take it well. He in fact, tries to rape her. This is something that women all over the world face and this theme is furthered by her human nemesis Warren who is particularly sexist and when she asserts her physical strength over him/‘emasculating’ him, he responds by coming into her home, shooting her and killing Tara in the process.

Violence and sexual assault against women is a very real problem in society and no matter how much we tell girls to dress a certain way, to not ‘tease men’ and to ‘cater to their ego’ even the Slayer herself can be victim to a system that perpetuates an idea that women are at fault and men are left blameless. We need to stop this because also we don’t have Willow to turn evil and become a vengeful super witch. 

Willow: You never felt you had the power with her, not until you killed her. 

Warren: Women. You know, you're just like the rest of them. Mind games.

9. Diversity and Intersectionality are key

One of the downfalls of Buffy is its lack of diversity. Show runners have admitted it and done their best to learn from it with future shows paving the way for awesome characters like Zoe Washburne from Firefly and Melinda May from Agents of Shield who are both similar in characteristics to Buffy but also women of colour.  

But one way that the show tackled their shortcomings of diversity with previous characters was when we met The First Slayer. 

The First Slayer was an African woman kidnap and imbued her with demonic powers by 3 men who became The Watcher’s Council. 

Now she’s far from perfect and how the whole concept and how its portrayed is problematic as hell, one might even go as far to say that its pretty racist. 

But they could have easily made The First Slayer white, they could’ve made her ethnically ambiguous etc but by making her black they not only recognized the importance of race and Africa in The Slayer’s origins story but also the in human race itself. 

Here presence itself lead to the origins of other Slayers and Potential Slayers to be slightly more diverse and we see it full effect in the seventh and final season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer from dodging accents, varying sexualities, ethnicities, sub-cultures and general characteristics. The Potentials may also be terrible stereotypes but to some people (me in this case) when it comes to early forms of representing intersectional feminism, I’ll take what I can get.

Either way, Buffy as a character and the‘Wheddonverse’ in general are indebted to the First Slayer.

First Slayer via Tara: You think you know what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun.

10. The Sisterhood

One thing I’ve always loved about Buffy the Vampire Slayer was the sisterhood. They may not all love each other and be best friends but when it came down to it, they had each others back. From Cordelia stepping up to fight the demons and even offering a vulnerable Buffy a ride home to Willow saving Anya’s life even when she had reverted to being a demon to even Faith proudly being by Buffy’s side in the final fight. Buffy’s friendships and female allies taught us that its important to have different types of women from different backgrounds and opinions and that each add value to your life. Female friendships can be challenging and complex in a world when were are constantly pitted against each other but more than ever its important to celebrate and covet what unites us. 

In the final episode Buffy decides to give up her title by having Willow make every potential slayer an actual Slayer, it’s final message of the show was using that sisterhood to pass on the power and strength to a new generation may it be potential slayers or our daughters and students because whilst we may have made progress, we still having many demons to fight.

Buffy: From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. Can stand up, will stand up. Slayers, every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?

[walkmyspiritthrough]

Casablanca! The name itself conjures up a magical image of a place like none other.

You must remember this  A kiss is just a kiss; a sigh is just a sigh.  The fundamental things apply  As time goes by.

You’ll find film lovers talk about Casablanca with glittering eyes as if they were describing their first kiss or the one that got away. And it’s all because there’s something about the movie that speaks to them. Maybe it’s the theme of decency and dignity, that of lost love and a second chance, and of rediscovered idealism that runs through the film. Casablanca is perhaps love’s most popular tryst with cinema.

A Moroccan city. A Café engulfed in cigarette smoke. A white tuxedo. A trench coat and fedora. A shady past. A woman faced with a dilemma. A broken heart. A pistol. And Paris. These are the things Casablanca transformed into pop-culture icons.

Oh, and one more thing, there are going to be SPOILERS. But does that really matter? Casablanca is as popular as Shakespeare. You quote it in your daily life, you refer to it more than you refer to the scriptures. It’s not just a movie, it’s a way of life.

The opening of the film sets up the backdrop of a city which is a Mecca for the hopeful and at the same time, a breeding ground for the hopeless. It shows us how important Casablanca is to the people trying to escape the turmoil of the Second World War.

The two centrepieces of this story are Rick Blaine and Ilsa Lund. And theirs is the same old story.

“I stick my neck out for nobody.”

That’s what Rick would have you believe. But behind this charade, hides someone almost the opposite. Someone who is so adamant to not feel, that he numbs himself with alcohol till he cannot. Someone whose every breath is mingled with the aftertaste of the cigarette that he has been smoking because he can’t bear to breathe the same air as the person he once was. Someone who is doing his best to hide his vulnerable side way beneath a tough exterior. But his eyes tell you the truth. Oh, don’t we all hide behind a perfectly sculpted masquerade?

Some people cope by changing themselves. Change can do wonders, it can be liberating. Somewhat therapeutic. You surround yourself with change, wrapping it around yourself till who you were can’t be seen anymore. You grow a beard on a jawline that someone once loved. You change your hair, its colour. Everything. You get yourself some glasses, new frames to put your eyes on display. Or you start wearing a leather jacket and a pair of sick sunglasses all the time like some edgy youth, covering yourself in darkness. You get yourself new clothes, new shoes, new tattoos. Or you go goth. Tiny t-shirts become oversized shirts that you disappear into. You transform yourself till you can’t recognize any hint of past lives and loves on yourself. You order a different kind of food or stop eating altogether. You start sleeping a lot or you become an insomniac. As long as it wasn’t what you did before or the way you did it before. The music you listen to changes. You take to binging on fast food to calm your nerves instead of reaching for that cigarette. All is fresh and new and clean. You’re sterilized now, no more a mess. You are clinical, cold, calculated. But you can’t change who you are inside. Beneath everything on the surface, there you are. Same old you. Not new at all. Same old pretty thoughts. Same unshakeable, unnoticeable little tendencies. Your constant habit of shaking your legs when you can’t cope with the dull pace of things. That little dance you do when you’re unsure of something. How you pick at the skin on your fingers when you’re frustrated. The way you can constantly be found on the balcony at 2 a.m. trying to breathe. You’re still very much there. Despite trying so hard to run from yourself, all you end up with is a stranger staring back at you from the mirror and the same old problems whispering to you in your bed at night. You’re still very much in there. So, it doesn’t come as a surprise that Rick does stick his neck out for people. He sticks it out every time someone is in trouble, or whenever someone needs him. And perhaps everyone suspects him of this kindness, this gentleness…maybe, that’s why everybody goes to Rick’s. 

Ilsa, on the other hand, is lively and not afraid to speak her mind out. But there’s a vulnerability in her eyes…eyes which have a mischievous gleam. Eyes which are starry, curious and, hopeful. Always raised to the heavens. Always searching for more. Never looking, always gazing. Always lingering on Rick. Hiding behind fluttering lashes and subtle glances. Always aimed at him. Laughing, bright and, empty. If you look deep enough you’ll find a pair of broken wings. They speak her mind even when she doesn’t. They scream. Getting louder with each pain filled tear that rolls down her flushed cheeks. Broken, beaten but, still hopeful.

The greatest folly of mankind has been its tendency to sympathise with the ones who sulk in the corner. We all feel for the Ricks of the world and in doing so we can be unduly tough on the Ilsas. Perhaps we like the idea of a person who doesn’t want to let go because we empathize with him…we see in Rick the person we were or perhaps still are. We romanticize pain and heartbreak. Whereas, it’s much tougher to pick up those shattered pieces and to place them back together all by yourself and move on. The guilt alone can drive a person mad. Just like paper, people burn from the edges, until there is nothing left but a dying flame.

“Leave him alone, Miss Ilsa. You’re bad luck to him.”

-Sam, Casablanca

And when Sam plays ‘As time goes by’, I can’t tell what glitter more, her earrings or her eyes. And when he begins to sing it, a sadness is cast on her eyes. Perhaps I have never seen a sight as sad. It’s a pain that presents itself whenever both Ilsa and Rick share the screen.

And when two lovers woo  They still say, “I love you.”  On that you can rely  No matter what the future brings  As time goes by.

When Rick hears the song, he comes marching in. And then he sees Ilsa, a dramatic musical chord marks their close-ups, and the scene plays out in resentment, regret and the memory of a love that was real.

“Their eyes met and they stared together at each other, alone in space.”

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

And then we get those flashback scenes. We get Paris! The Rick we see is a complete juxtaposition of the Rick we saw in Casablanca. He is head-over-heels in love and we understand why he yearns for the past to wash over his bleak present. The flashback scenes capture the sensation of a romanticized remembrance…coloured and enhanced by longing. In reality, nothing could ever be this perfect and romantic and beautiful. But, then again, it’s broadcast to you from the confines of the mind of a drunk, lonely café owner. No wonder it looks pure, intimate, and beautiful – the antithesis of his own Café.

  Robin: “If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing.”

Ted: “What’s that?”

Robin: “Timing. But timing’s a bitch!”

-How I Met Your Mother

We see promises being made and then being broken. And I swear to god that as the rain washed the ink off of that letter, I could feel it erode Rick’s soul as well. The words cry the tears that tough-guy Rick can’t and infuse the scene with an ineffable feeling of loss and things falling apart.

“She had tricked him. She had made him leave his old self behind and come into her world, and then before he was really at home in it but too late to go back, she had left him stranded there–like an astronaut wandering about on the moon. Alone.”

-Katherine Paterson, Bridge to Terabithia

lsa’s abandonment broke Rick, and the lack of catharsis made him bitter. He’s caught in a Sisyphean rut, left to perpetually drink his sorrow away. He is not above being petty towards Ilsa. But he wears his heartbreak on his sleeves. We understand the way he behaves, especially in front of Ilsa.

Angry, and half absolutely in love with her, and tremendously sorry, I turned away.”

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Moonlight and love songs  Never out of date.  Hearts full of passion  Jealousy and hate. 

Casablanca also relies a lot on Paul Henreid who plays the aged-beyond-his-years resistance leader, Victor Laszlo. The film needs us to not hate Laszlo even though he’s standing in Rick’s path to a happy ending with Ilsa. He’s the white knight.

Between a Rick and a Hard Place

And now, let’s talk about my favourite part of Casablanca: Claude Rains! He plays Captain Louis to perfection. He is witty, quick, funny, sardonic and yeah, a bit deviant. But even he has his heart in the right place. Casablanca is as much a redemption tale of Louis as it is of Rick. Oh, and the bromance! I ship Rick and Louis more than I ship Rick and Ilsa. It is, after all, a beautiful friendship.

  Woman needs man  And man must have his mate  That no one can deny.

I read up a bit about the movie after watching it and while there’s certainly a lot of lore about the making of the movie, there’s something really inhumane. Every bit of press printed at the time of its release refers to Sam (Dooley Wilson) as a “negro”. I couldn’t believe it. And while it grossed me out, it also made me realise how nobly the movie treats Sam (something that I thankfully hadn’t picked up on the first time I saw it, and perhaps this means that there’s still some hope left for humanity). Every time I write one of these things, I find myself digressing about things not pertinent to the movie but then, isn’t that the point of movies? Sparking conversations?

Oh, it’s getting too long. Perhaps we should talk about that ending.

It’s still the same old story  A fight for love and glory  A case of do or die.  The world will always welcome lovers  As time goes by.

There’s something inherently likeable about stories with happy endings. In most of our dreams, the underdog overcomes all the obstacles on his path to glory, the hero slays the monster, and the boy gets the girl. Well, those are, for the lack of a better term, flights of fantasy. In real life, things seldom pan out the way we want them to. We don’t get a deus ex machina in real life. Heck, in my 23 years of existence, I haven’t had a single decent haircut! And if art is supposed to imitate life then why do most movies end on a note that makes us go all gooey on the inside?

Man has always looked towards art as a mean to escape his reality. And thus, storytellers perfected the art of storytelling by accommodating man’s need for happy endings. But Casablanca doesn’t follow suit!

We all look up at the characters on the silver screen with glittering eyes. We identify with the characters and we revel in their success, we feel for them when life knocks them down and if the story is told effectively we feel whatever the character is supposed to feel, be it love, betrayal or loss. How do you trudge through mile after mile of meadow without disturbing a single blade of grass?

Split

Casablanca hooks you by making you invest in their love story…and then it reels you in by unselfishly renouncing it, as a contribution to the great cause of defeating the Nazis. Hook, Line and Sinker!

The bittersweet ending has gone the way of the black-and-white cinematography. If it were to be made today, Casablanca would end with Rick and Ilsa escaping on the plane after dodging a hail of gunfire and perhaps Rick would even indulge in some Gun-Fu! Even (500) Days of Summer ends with Tom meeting Autumn. But Casablanca does something that’s almost unimaginable, it lets the star-crossed lovers be. And yet, it is one of the most beloved love stories of all time.

“Baby, You’re Gonna Miss That Plane” -Before Sunset

We all feel it in our bones that Rick and Ilsa belong together and that they will always be incomplete without each-other but, Rick lets her go. Rick does so because, in Laszlo, he sees the man he could have had been had he not abandoned himself to self-pity. And when Ilsa is tempted to renounce her ideals, Rick tells her: “You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” In Rick, we see a man who speaks from experience…in him, we find the voice of a man who has been hiding behind a façade of indifference.

“I promise you, I’ll never lose myself to self-pity again.”

-Daisy, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

They’ll always have Paris. They didn’t have it, they, they had lost it until she came to Casablanca. They got it back that night.

It will be a very long night indeed. But it will end. In the morning when the sun rises, sometimes it’s hard to believe there ever was a night.

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers  As time goes by.

I remember every detail... Casablanca! The name itself conjures up a magical image of a place like none other. You must remember this