#he had no fucking idea what was going on in the first place

[hurlingdown]

                     DRESS . . . TO IMPRESS ?

synopsis. in celebration of the most wonderful time of the year, the one piece men have prepared extra special gifts for you. zoro, law, luffy, ace.

tags. dom! reader, implied top! reader. christmas fluff, crossdressing, big muscly men in skimpy skirts, law in a nurse outfit, lingerie, heavy petting, dirty talk, kissing, horribly written crack (i inserted my humour into this), mentions of sex, fingering, cock-warming, rimming etc, don’t read this seriously, it gets progressively worse, spending the holiday season with them <3

a/n. this is my christmas gift to the one piece fandom. enjoy lol.

“merry christmas,” zoro grunted, and you felt a little dizzy from the overwhelming endorphin rush that went straight to your head and somewhere else. 

because this… this was something you would have never anticipated for a christmas gift. this was zoro you were talking about. the epitome of stoicism. had he been just… pretending all along? you would’ve expected something like an earring, maybe, to match his three. a love letter was simply out of the question… though a bouquet of poinsettias wouldn’t be over the top, if he had consulted nami in the first place. but this? this was just… breath-stealing. 

you watched as your lover rolled onto his stomach in his scanty outfit to show off the crystal pink plug that he had stuffed into his puffy rim, shooting you a coy glance over his shoulder. “well?” he hummed. “do you like it, babe?” 

“yeah,” you breathed out. “i love it. you look gorgeous. i think… i think i just fell in love with you all over again.”

he coughed, a blush rising to his cheeks, and yeah, this was something you were more familiar with—not the balmy heat shrouding your face, the dry crawl of your throat whenever you so simply looked at him, the hint of sweat building at your temples at the thought of doing nasty, sinful things to him. 

was he even real? were you dreaming? you better not be, because this was a meal you were going to spend your good time ravishing. 

“well, merry christmas to you, too,” you murmured lowly, climbing onto the bed after him, and he bit his lip with a shiver, raising his hips slightly to present you your christmas gift. you wasted no time in laying your hands on him, squeezing at the skin-tight fabric over his luscious thighs, giving his cushiony ass a small slap before smoothing over the warm ache. 

“gonna eat you out until you’re wet and sore, baby,” you told him, “and then i’m going to finger you while we binge watch shitty christmas movies together on the couch.” you licked your lips, pretending to think about what you were going to say next. “actually... might as well have you cockwarm me while we’re at it. and once we’re done with that, i’m gonna put it in your slutty hole and fuck you ‘til you start crying, okay?” 

“and after that too,” zoro mumbled, shifting onto his back and pulling you down for a soft, wet kiss that sent butterflies roaring in your stomach. 

TRAFALGAR LAW

“traf, sweetheart, have you seen my—oh.” 

“get. out.” 

“what are you wearing…?” 

“are you deaf? i said get out!” 

“hold on, okay? it’s not like i haven’t seen you naked before! just… is that a nurse uniform?”

but this was different from being naked. this was far more embarrassing. law looked at you with narrowed eyes, tone sharp with accusation that bordered on hurt. “what? you don’t like it?” he nervously bit his lip, pulling down his skirt and squeezing his legs together as though it would hide the very obviously aroused state of his crotch. 

“i do! how could i not? you haven’t even let me say anything yet!” you swallowed, feeling saliva seep into your mouth at the erotic sight before you. “you look so fucking hot, you have no idea. i love it, traf. i love it so much—” 

“okay, okay, i get it.” he huffed with feigned irritation, a small breath of relief escaping him as he shyly glanced at the floor, hands still clutching at the fabric of his dress. “m-merry christmas.” 

you took a few tentative steps forward until you stopped in front of him, and he frowned and turned away, heat rising to his cheeks. “don’t look at me like that. it wasn’t my idea, just so you know…” he swallowed when you put your hands on his bony hips and squeezed, subtly exploring the rest of his outfit with your eyes, and he sighed, relaxing a little. “hey, say something…” 

“sorry,” you chuckled, meeting his gaze again. “you’re just… beautiful. i love you. i love the fit. it looks so good on you… thank you for the christmas gift, love.” 

“and where’s mine?” he said, attempting to distract you from the deep flush on his cheeks. he slung his arms loosely around your neck, giving you an almost pouty look, to which your heart clenched at. “... don’t tell me you didn’t bring me one.” 

“oh, but i did.”

. . . you swore you tried so hard. but you could feel it creeping up on you, like a silhouette, surreptitiously tugging at the corners of your lips. fuck it. you just couldn’t hold back your smirk. you thought you were just absolutely brilliant, coming up with this idea of a gift. you knew he would love it. you just knew. 

“eyes on me, baby.”

maintaining sensual eye contact with him, you gently laced your fingers with his, pressing each of his knuckles to your lips in tender kisses. then, with a gentle smile, you guided his hand down, slowly, slowly, until it was fully pressed against the front of your trousers, right where the zipper was. you nudged your hips towards the cup of his palm, faking a moan.

“there’s your gift,” you murmured seductively, and watched giddily as his golden eyes widened in shock and arousal before a sharp, splitting pain on the side of your face knocked you out. 

“pervert!”

you laughed victoriously as you went down. like he wasn’t the pot calling the kettle black with that cute little outfit of his.

MONKEY D. LUFFY

“merry christmas!” you heard a deafening guffaw before something crash-tackled you from behind, and you fell onto the floor in a heap of rubbery limbs. 

“luffy!” you choked out a laugh as your lover wrapped himself around your ribs, still unwilling to let go. “baby, i can’t breathe.” 

“oh. sorry!” he retracted his arms and legs, getting off you with a spring. you sat up, and that’s when you saw what he was wearing. a cute christmas skirt and matching leggings, and he looked so ridiculously adorable you had to do a double take. he frowned at your flabbergasted expression, leaning in to inspect your face. “huh? did i break you? i promise, i didn’t mean to hit you that hard! wait, why’re you lookin’ at me like that?” 

he pat your head, as though that would fix things. you squinted at his carefree smile. hold on. what the absolute shit. was that lipstick? 

“luff,” you took a deep breath, trying to steady your heartbeat. “who dressed you up?” 

“nami, duh,” he sung, giving you a little twirl to show off the fit. you already knew the answer—you just had to double confirm. crap. just how much money did you owe her now? a thousand berri? two thousand? to be fair, for this quality of work, you’d pay her a fortune. “nami said you’d like it. well? d’you?” 

“yeah,” you murmured, half in awe, half in devastation, because this was a really bad time to get horny if luffy wasn’t in the mood. “you look really pretty, baby. i love it a lot.” you squeezed your eyes shut, trying to will away the horny. but it was just so hard to stop being horny all of a sudden. every time you closed your eyes, all you could envision was the horny: him in that skimpy christmas skirt, a bright flush on his cheeks, sprawled out on the bed underneath you… 

the soft press of lips against your cheek made your eyes shoot open. “huh?” 

the red colour on his lips was now slightly smudged, and you raised your hand to gently touch your now stained cheek in realisation. “oh…” 

“you looked consti- constipated sittin’ there!” luffy explained, in a much louder voice than usual, a thick blush covering his face. “i had to, y’knoow, help you out… in case you were having a hard time…” 

and well, there goes your horny.

PORTGAS D. ACE

“darling! you’re home!” you watched as your lover clumsily hobbled out of the bathroom, swathed in the most colourful gift-wrapping paper you had ever seen from chest to heel. “merry christmas!” 

you blinked. were you seeing things? “ace, honey,” you started, slowly, with a laugh. “know that i’d love it either way, but… are you supposed to be my gift?” 

“well, yeah, sort of.” he grinned, trying to make his way over to you in awkward steps. he winked, keeping himself just out of arm’s reach when you tried to pull him into a kiss. “just watch. you might even be surprised.” 

he raised a finger mischievously, and you watched as the tip of it caught on fire. he continued smiling his infamous ‘up-to-no-good’ grin, carefully bringing the small flame near his clothed chest. you raised your eyebrows, unsure, because as much as he was immune to fire, the gift-wrapping probably wasn’t... and the furniture in your house definitely wasn’t. 

“watch…” ace stressed with a hush, dramatically pressing his blazing finger onto the wrapping paper, to which it burnt a hole right through, orange flames immediately clinging on to the circular edges, rapidly widening the puncture. soon, his entire so-called ‘outfit’ was on fire, and you were starting to get alarmed when an eye-catching dark red slowly emerged from the burgeoning flames, strapped right across his chest. 

you choked. was that… a bra? 

“ta-da!” he shouted, opening his arms in full display with what could only be described as pure mirth. “fireproof lingerie!” 

what the fuck. you stood there, gaping, unwilling to believe. the rest of the flames gradually died down, revealing a gorgeous pair of red lace lingerie that hugged his crotch and chest in all the perfect areas, showing off his muscled figure, broad in the shoulders but tight in the waist, with thick hips and strong thighs. you could feel yourself salivating post-shock. 

“baby, you look really, really sexy, but…” you began, swallowing down your laughter. “forget it. why am i even surprised at this point?” ace grinned, albeit a little more sheepish than usual, rubbing at the back of his neck as you checked him out unabashedly. “ah, damn it. you look like a whole feast. i’m going to have a hard time keeping my hands off you tonight…” 

“ain’t that the purpose,” ace purred, shooting you a naughty glance through his lashes. “come and get me, hot stuff. and hey, guess what? we won’t have to worry about me accidentally burning my clothes off this time.” 

and needless to say, the both of you had a very merry christmas that night, indeed.

masterlist!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! SORRY IF YOUR BONER DIED 💓🫶

[huntingingoodwill]

civil. (j.m.)

masterlist

desc: you can’t stand joel miller, and he can’t stand you.

pairing: enemies to lovers! joel miller x gn! reader

a/n: this is my gift for the pedrostories secret santa 2024 event!!! i had so much fun writing this for my giftee, @adora-but-ginger. thanks so much for introducing me to the absolute bop which is never let me down by depeche mode which inspired this lil fic. i really hope you enjoy it babes <3 happy holidays!

“You’re an idiot. A big, hulking idiot.” 

“You think I’m big and hulking?”

You could hear the smirk in Joel’s voice, which made equal parts of anger and embarrassment flare up inside of you. You could admit he was… well-built. Sickeningly, disgustingly so. And right now, you wanted to snap his well-built body in two. 

“I’m going to kill you.”  

“I’d like to see you try, but we’re a little tied up at the moment,” his tone was sardonic, his meaning literal - the two of you were in the bed of some raiders’ truck, tied up and blindfolded, being driven to who-knows-where. It was probably for the best, as the restraints around your wrists were the only things stopping you two from choking each other out. 

“And whose fault is that?” you hissed. 

“I’m glad you asked. Yours.” 

“Mine?!” you exclaimed, the anger pulsing through you growing stronger by the minute. “I told you we should avoid the cabin and you still dragged us right into this mess.” 

Joel had insisted the abandoned cabin would be a safe place to rest. The raiders had the same idea, and were quick to pounce on the both of you after coming across your horses outside. They had ambushed the two of you, deciding to bring you back to their camp to figure out what to do with you later - probably nothing too pleasant. They had left your horses behind, and you had overheard them saying they’d come back for them later. 

“Maybe if you didn’t fall asleep when you were supposed to be on lookout, we wouldn’t be here right now,” Joel muttered. 

You sighed, a dull knot of ache forming behind your eyes. It was true. You had fucked up. But he had fucked up too. If it were anybody else with you, the two of you may have been able to admit that, kiss and make up. But you and Joel never got along. You bickered and fought on every patrol you were forced on together, and this was your last straw. You were livid, and he was too. 

“We wouldn’t have been there in the first place if you didn’t-“ 

“Enough with the goddamn lover’s quarrel!” one of the raiders yelled out from the cab. 

That shut you and Joel up sufficiently, but that word tinged the silence with a shy awkwardness. 

“Lover’s quarrel,” Joel scoffed. 

“Yeah. ‘Lovers’,” you mimic his veneer of nonchalance, poorly veiling the flustered tone in both your voices, “in your dreams.” 

“In yours,” he shot back, immediately rolling his eyes at himself. 

He was too old for this shit. Everytime he was around you, he acted like a petty teenager. You just ignited a flame within him, one that he mistook for the bitter burn of loathing, not knowing it was something else entirely. 

“So, how are we getting out of this one?” you whispered. 

“Why are you asking me? I thought I was an idiot?”

“I wish you could see the look I’m giving you right now, Miller.” 

He lowered his voice to a whisper, unheard by the raiders up front over the rumble of the engine. 

“Admit I’m not an idiot, and I’ll get us out of here.” 

“Oh, come on-“ you started, gritting your teeth with exasperation.

“Or, you can always spend the rest of the day with our new friends here.”

“...You’re not an idiot.” 

“And, who’s in charge?” 

“Oh, fuck y-” 

“I can always let you hitch a ride with these guys and see how you fare on your own,” his voice took on an annoyingly laissez-faire quality. You hated him.

“You’re in charge,” you assented.

“Correct. I hid my knife in my pocket. They missed it when they took away our weapons.” 

Maybe you didn’t hate him.

“Maybe you’re not as big of an idiot as I thought,” you smiled.

“Flattery will get you nowhere. Get it out of my pocket, then cut my ropes. Then I’ll cut yours.” 

You shimmied close to him, trying to ignore how the proximity made the heat rise in your collar. You tried to convince yourself it’s a physical reaction to your hatred for him. Like an allergy. 

You managed to slide the knife out, only almost stabbing him in the ass once on a bumpy stretch of road. 

“Hands!” He had grit through his teeth.

“Please, there’s nothing back there to cut. You’re as flat as a board,” you had whispered, immediately blushing and following your words up with a quick: “Not that I’ve been looking or anything.” (You had looked. A couple times. But you’d die before telling him that.) 

Unable to see, you fumbled around a little, careful not to cut him as you sliced through the ropes binding his wrists together. Once free, he lifted his blindfold with careful, quick movements, sure to not let the men in the cab see him, before cutting off the remaining ropes keeping his legs tied together then doing the same for you. 

With the ropes loosened in heaps around your wrists and ankles, you whispered: “What now?” 

His voice was determined, but grim. “We pray.” 

“I gotta take a leak.” One of the raiders mumbled a mere 5 minutes later, after you both had replaced your blindfolds and were acting like two good kidnapees in the back of the truck, in hopes that the men wouldn’t look too closely at the both of you and discover you had freed yourselves. 

“Let’s hope our prayers have been answered. Do you trust me?” Joel asked.

“No.” 

“You’re gonna have to. 3…2…1.” 

The two of you ripped off your blindfolds. 

The scuffle was over in a few minutes. Joel’s chest heaved from the exertion of the fight as he cleaned the bloody knife off on his shirt. He had subdued one of the men pretty quickly, which gave you enough time to grab your gun from the cab and deal with the other. 

He had done a pretty good job, you had to admit, with hiding his knife and handling the raiders. Without him, you would have been royally fucked. You felt a twinge of gratefulness, and a pang of something else as you watched him, the slope of his nose and hardness of his jaw as he wicked the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. He had saved you. 

Then, you looked down at the two dead raiders, and what glimmer of heroism that you saw in Joel’s figure distorted into frustration. 

You aimed your gun at Joel. 

“Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you?!” he yelled, the bullet whizzing past his head. 

“Cool it, Texas,” you huffed, “Now, hold still this time.” You aimed again. 

“I just saved your ass, and you try to shoot me because of it?!” 

“I told you we shouldn’t have gone to the cabin-” 

“Look who’s talking, sleepyhead!” 

You started to walk. 

“Where d’you think you’re going?” he called after you, his voice already receding into the distance. 

“Jackson. Back to the village of which you are the idiot of!” you screamed over your shoulder. 

“A bit of a convoluted way to put it, darlin’.” 

You refused to dignify that with an answer. 

You had only made it a few metres down the road when you heard the roar of the raiders’ truck, and the heat of the thrumming engine as it pulled up beside you. 

You stared straight ahead, feeling Joel’s gaze rove over you from the driver’s window as he cruised alongside you. 

“Get in,” Joel called out to you.  

“No.” 

“D’you know where you’re going? ‘Cause I sure as hell don’t.” 

“I do. I think. I tried to memorise the turns they took while we were tied up.” 

“Well, you aren’t getting back to Jackson anytime soon on foot.” 

You ignored him, marching forward. The next few moments were clouded in silence as you stormed down the road, Joel driving slowly beside you all this while. 

“C’mon, get in. Please?” Joel’s voice was startlingly soft, a flash of vulnerability that you hadn’t expected that stopped you in your tracks. He said his words slowly, like it was difficult for him to articulate. It definitely wasn’t easy for someone as stubborn as him to seek help from you. “I can’t leave you out here alone, and I need your help to navigate.”

You turned to look at him, not expecting to find the sincerity scrawled over his face. It softened you. But you liked to make him suffer. 

“Who’s in charge?” you said. 

“Oh, c’mon…” 

“Miller. Answer me. Who is in charge?” 

“You are. Now get in.” 

You smiled in satisfaction, clambering into the passenger seat. 

“You’re in charge of navigation, I’m in charge of driving,” he mumbled beneath his breath. 

You chuckled at his comment. Suddenly his snarkiness, though annoying, seemed like a harmless dig after the events of the day. That laugh was utter release, a reprieve from the loathing for him that had been boiling your blood all day. 

Peeking over at you, you watched his confused face turn into one that mirrored yours. One of cathartic happiness. He let out a laugh, unable to help it. You had never noticed his laugh, his smile. Like a silver lining. You liked it. 

The rest of the drive passed in relative silence, save for your directions, though the air between you was different. Still electric in its energy, but not because of anger, or frustration. It was strangely warm.

The sun had begun to dip beneath the horizon, and with a satisfying click, he flicked on the headlights, making a turn. The lights illuminated the cabin and your horses. Your heart soared. 

“Well, shit. You did it,” he whispered. 

You couldn’t help but let out a laugh, and more laughter bubbled from his lips. Laughing with Joel seemed so foreign after spending every patrol together arguing or in heated silence. It was pleasant.

From here, the two of you would be able to find your way back to Jackson, no question. The two of you mounted your horses and started your way back. He turned to watch you, the delicate turn of your head as you gazed up at the vast sky, drinking it all in. He felt that same pang he always felt around you, what he always thought was annoyance. It hit him with that same ferocity, but it was charged with a different energy. It felt kind of nice. 

You turned to lock eyes with him. 

“I’m sorry,” the both of you said in unison. 

You both dissolved into laughter. 

“Well, I’ll go first,” Joel chuckled, “I’m sorry. I really am. I should have listened to you-”

“No, I’m sorry!” you said. “If it wasn’t for me falling asleep… and I guess trying to shoot you wasn’t very nice.” 

“Wasn’t polite, was it?” he snorted, his smile reflecting your sheepish one. “Still, I fucked up. And the way you helped us find our way back… you saved our asses.” 

“I fucked up too. And if anyone saved us it was you. There was no way we would have gotten out of there without you thinking ahead and hiding the knife.” 

“I guess we make a pretty alright team, huh?” he said, the smile he shot you so hopeful and sweet you felt that hot, molten feeling in your gut again, though it definitely was not hate. 

“Yeah, we do,” you sighed. “I guess if your brother’s gonna keep insisting on putting us on patrol together, we could at least be civil to each other. I think we work together better that way. Deal?” 

“Deal,” he said. “You still drive me a little crazy though.” 

“Ditto,” you smiled at him, and the smile he flashed back made you feel strange and floaty, a similar sort of light-headedness from when you used to get so mad at him on patrols you wanted to scream. You were starting to realise that feeling may have been motivated by a different emotion entirely. He was definitely driving you a little crazy. 

“Where the hell were you guys? You missed the bonfire,” Tommy called out to Joel as the both of you arrived at the centre of Jackson, a dying bonfire crackling behind him. 

“That’s the least of our problems,” Joel huffed, dismounting from his horse as you followed suit, thrusting the reins into his brother’s hands. “You deal with that.” 

Tommy shrugged, leading the horses back to the stable. 

The two of you stood side by side, staring into what little was left of the bonfire, now a flame that licked up to around Joel’s knee-height. The crowd that was surrounding it earlier that night had fully dispersed, leaving just you and Joel alone before the fire. He turned to look at you, the fire glazing your eyes with orange and red hues, setting your gaze alight.

“I have an idea,” you said. Your smile meant trouble. “Let’s jump over it.” 

“What?” Joel asked, eyebrows shooting up incredulously. 

“I read it somewhere. It’s an old tradition, supposed to bring about good luck and new beginnings,” you smile at him, a smile that instantly wins him over. “We need all the luck we can get. C’mon Miller, indulge me. Be civil.” 

His laugh was hesitant, but when you reached for his hand he knew he could do it. 

“Do you trust me?” you grinned. 

“Yes.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to. 3…2…1!” 

There was a moment there, with his hand in yours, at the very top of where the flames swirled, where it felt like the two of you were flying, suspended against the dark sky. 

Then, you hit the ground. 

You were lying beside each other in the dirt, panting in between gasps of laughter, the cuffs of your pants and the soles of your shoes singed. That electric warmth fired through the air, boiling your blood - definitely not anger. Something else. Passion and anger possess that same fiery quality. 

It burned so brightly within the both of you that he couldn’t help it. He leaned over to kiss you. The fire was warm by your side, the sky dark and electric above you as a storm gathered. The two of you were definitely going to be more than civil.

[triglycercule]

so the dust smokes headcanon is really popular!!! i have an addition to it :33 cigarette smoke CLINGS to your body for a loooong loooong time,,,,, i don't know if monster dust has a smell but if it does maybe the cigarette smoke from his cigarettes could be used to cover up that smell so he doesn't have to deal with the scent of death all the time and yk,,,, feel the guilt :33

[kayzean]

@keferon new chapter for their Blurr plotline in the Mecha AU has once again made me go a tad insane. Get ready folks I have a two for one! A little “what if” and a headcanon!

What if during the scene where Swerve instinctively checks Blurr’s implants, Blurr subconsciously leans into that touch because fuck that’s probably the first genuinely caring and soft physical contact he’s had in fuck knows how long 🥺 Swerve ofc has the gayest of panics.

This has been driving me up the walls/pos. They make me insane. The hurt/comfort potential of these two… I’m feral.

Swerve at some point probably: comfort?? In my hurt fanfic?? Aight.

I did say two for one didn’t I? I got this idea that Blurr has a talent for sketching. (Yes I shamelessly love a writer/artist duo) Blurr would sketch Swerve more and more. And maybe in a low and frustrated moment while sketching, he might finally remember his name…

As someone who has scribbled out my frustrated thoughts on paper, I imagine him trying so hard to remember. And then the memory clicks mid scribble, throwing him off. He just sits there stunned for a while, tears dripping from his face. The name finally slots itself into his mind. A very important puzzle piece finally found. Slipping into place like it was always meant to be there. No doubt in his mind that it’s the right name. Finally….. he remembered. The name that has the power to hold his tired and fraying mind in one piece. The name that might have been the reason he didn’t give up and give in to the false promises and false hopes whispered to him by an insane scientist…

I’m so ill besties.

Bonus sketch because I think Blurr’s scars are so beautiful!

[pickinglilahs]

Okay, let's unpack this response here

TL;DR: 'weak and surface' level is exactly how I would describe prevs "obliteration". I'm not convinced THEY read the books. Or maybe they're just another TERF, considering that's how it reads. I completely disagree with Harry naming his kid after Snape. The ONLY explanation I can think for it is that JKR has no idea what love is (which is also cannon, as far as I'm concerned)

First: idk what book this person read, but Snape's obsession with Lily was creepy to the extreme. That their friendship started by him all but stalking her and Petunia should have been red flag #1. I mean, sure, he was a traumatized kid without friends, but that doesn't absolve him of his continued obsession. He literally stood outside the Gryffindor common room, refusing to leave, until she came out to talk.

And yeah, he did switch sides out of guilt. But he canonically didn't give a damn about Harry. If he was actually trying to protect the kid, he would have done more than bully and abuse (occlumency lessons anyone?) the kid. Teaching at Hogwarts was never about redemption. It was about staying out of Azkaban. (And Dumbledore's manipulation, but he's a whole 'nother can of worms)

Second: the books actually say that Snape was 'up to his nose in the dark arts'. He was an active participant. He didn't just 'hang out' with to-be-DE, he WAS one. He joined up of his own free will. He became Voldemort's RIGHT HAND. He didn't regret calling someone a mudbl***. He regretted that it was Lily.

And Snape CANONICALLY attacked the marauders just as much as they went after him. Just because they went after him first in that ONE memory, doesn't mean he didn't instigate too.

And let's talk about the werewolf incident for a minute because i am sick and tired of Snape Apologists using this as an excuse. That was NOT planned. That was a lapse of judgement on Sirius' part alone (yeah, fucked to hell and he is fully responsible for that). At the same time though, NO ONE MADE HIM GO. Snape was given a vague instruction and he was so focused on 'getting back' at the marauders that he put HIMSELF in danger. That is just as much on him as it is on Sirius.

Then the sexual assault? This is another common thing I see and it took me forever to figure out what it was even referring to. The pantsing? You cannot tell me he was the only one that happened to. If the levitating spell was really as popular as it's stated, this incident wasn't special. I'm willing to bet Snape did it to others too.

Third: Lupin not taking the wolfsbane. Yes, serious lapse in judgement. He also just saw Peter and Sirius on the map. The argument of it being criminal and a ticking time bomb is honestly werewolf prejudice and exactly why Remus has such a hard time finding a job in the first place. Way to go. You've discovered discrimination.

Fourth: Get McGonagall's name out of your fucking mouth. She is CANONICALLY shown NOT showing prejudice and treating EVERYONE by the same standards. And, did you forget that 'Moody' here was actually a death eater in disguise? No duh he's using cruel and unusual punishments??? Full of abusive teachers my ass.

Fifth: What do you mean the kids weren't scared for life? I do believe those CHILDREN will carry that trauma with them for the rest of their lives. Saying that it didn't break them is cruel and completely dismisses the VERY REAL pain and suffering that they went through. They are real heroes because they OVERCAME their trials. Not all of us out here in the real world are so lucky.

Lastly: yes, comparing CHILDREN who DID see the error of their ways to an ADULT who had to be CONNED into doing the right thing is laughable.

And saying Regulus accomplished nothing? Disgraceful. Of course it took a catalyst for him to change his ways thats how redemption arcs work.

If you made it this far, I hope you have a good day. Believe whatever you want, obvy I'm not going to change anyone's opinion. You can't MAKE a person understand. Still, it's nice to rant and remind myself how nice it is that I live in my own little corner of the fandom where I don't have to see this bullshit on my dash

okay, hold my drink *hands u cursed ancient goblet full of mead* i gotta talk my shit for a second.

ive been seeing a lot of severus snape love recently. and this is fine, obviously, y'all can love whomever you want. but. i need to rant or i will explode. if we're talking about canon. severus snape spends his adult years, seven books of it in fact, abusing children. and his excuse for this is the girl he loved (tho not enough not to join a group actively trying to exterminate her) fell for the hot jock instead of him (a tragedy indeed, i weep 4 him, i really do). and also she died, which, admittedly is very sad.

it is simply crazy 2 me 2 look at that and think *romance* or *genuine care and affection*. LIKE. fo real. snape calls her a slur in public, apologizes in private, hangs out with dudes who commit hate crimes against her friends (CANONICALLY, she says "you've been hanging out with that douchebag Mulciber, how could you do that after what he did to Mary???" this is not a direct quote but like, it's close enough). lame. loser behaviour.

"Oh but what about regulus" i can hear you say "he loves James potter but snape doesn't love lily???" well. idk. maybe. bit different tho, innit? due to james not being the demographic regulus is attacking (which doesn't make regulus a better person but does make the dynamic between him and james different). ALSO. Regulus chooses to turn against voldemort without hope for anything in return. snape doesn't seem to give a shit about voldemort, he's just sad he's not gonna get to bang lily evans. he switches sides for that reason alone. also doesn't care about what happens to her husband or her son which like. considering lily would be pretty fucking destroyed if they died. once again points to my whole, he doesn't really give a shit about her, theory. lame. loser. behaviour.

also. im sorry. I"M SORRY. but what snape does to neville? to hermione? to harry? gross. a grown ass man out here telling an eleven year old neville he's worthless or hermione she's ugly and annoying. or spilling harry's potion and refusing to grade him for it???????????????

reg and draco are children when we see them at peak suckage and therefore they feel like they can be redeemed much more compellingly (CAN be, not SHOULD be, not HAVE to be, just narratively i think they are easier to turn into interesting, sympathetic characters). but snape? snape grows up into a garbage adult. like he doesn't get better. and again, the only real excuse we're given is his obsession with lily. not very demure. not very cutesy.

ALSO. yall remember that time he got a destitute, struggling Remus Lupin fired from the best job he ever had just because he felt like it? remember that time snape weaponized Remus's lycanthropy and people's prejudice against him just cause. like. literally just cause??? his ego was bruised after the shrieking shack incident so he was like "get wrecked Lupin I'm going to tell everyone your secret so you will be forced back out onto the streets" DO YALL REMEMBER THAT BITCH ASS MOVE????????? THAT HE DID AS A FULL ADULT.

IN CONCLUSION, this is silly and, of course, like i said at the start, everyone can have their own thoughts and feelings about characters, but i simply needed to interject here on behalf of snape haters everywhere because i feel like so much of snape's shitty behaviour as an adult during a time when he was really under no duress and was very safe and cozy, is ignored. and my hater heart just cannot let that stand.

[uncannydevotion]

“ we haven't found one lipstick that's kiss proof! ”

a/n: based on tht one art meme going around iykyk anyways happy holidays, and merry christmas if u celebrate! nd happy day to everyone else! enjoy this lil gift <3 i wanted to get it out today so it might b a little rushed, and definitely shorter than i would like but i still like it so. i'm posting it.

includes: homicidal liu, eyeless jack, jason the toymaker, nina the killer, and jeff the killer.

warnings: gn!reader but it's assumed u wear lipstick, italics my beloved, so much fluff it'll make u sick, lots of kissing. is kiss even a word anymore. it's short, with varying different lengths, and it's sweet this time for real i promise.

HOMICIDAL LIU

Perhaps a bit confused when you ask him to help find some kiss proof lipsticks, but nonetheless willing to help. He just assumes you wanted to go out to a cosmetic store or something to find some.

He's very confused when you drag him over to the couch and tell him to stay put while you gather every tube of lipstick you have.

He's oblivious guys okay you're his first relationship ever how is he supposed to know you're about to smother him to death with kisses?

Liu will be a bit caught off guard when you place the first kiss on his cheek, your lips gentle, mindful of the sensitive skin surrounding his scars.

"What was that for?" He'll ask. And maybe you'll give a cheeky smile and respond with something like, "I'm just testing out my lipstick, babe."

And oh. Oh. That's what you meant when you said you wanted his help.

Liu is nothing if not the greatest boyfriend haver, so even though he gets increasingly more flustered with each kiss you press against his skin, he stays painfully still so as to not interrupt you.

Every time you pressed a kiss against his skin, he'd let out a little sigh. It was rare for him to ever really feel at ease, but it came easy with you.

Sometimes, he wonders if you truly understood the gravity of the love he felt for you.

Each kiss makes his heart race faster and faster, so much so that when you place one last kiss against his lips, he's so overwhelmed by the amount of love he holds for you that Sully thinks he's fucking dying and takes over.

Sully is very confused when he finds that Liu was, in fact, not dying. And you're certainly no help, just smiling and telling him to wash his face off as you clean up.

What.

One look in the mirror gives him the answer he was looking for. His entire face was covered in lipstick stains. This is what had Liu's heart racing so much? Sully really thought he was dying, man.

Turns out the guy is just an idiot in love.

EYELESS JACK

One of the only ones here to really understand what you meant when you asked him for help in finding a kiss proof lipstick, already taking his mask off.

He didn't have anything better to do, and he liked how your eyes lit up when he agreed, so.

He'll sit patiently, watching as you set out all of your lipsticks, setting them out in a color-coded pattern.

Jack will take this very seriously, I think. You won't really be able to get him flustered, because he's determined to figure out if you have any kiss proof lipstick. He's a man on a mission.

Every time you kiss him, he'll pull away from you and look at himself in a mirror to study how visible the stain is. The less he can see it, the better he thinks the lipstick is.

If anything, he'll end up flustering you from the way he'll grab your cheeks and press his thumb against your lip, rubbing the lipstick gently to see how much pressure it takes for it to transfer.

He's not doing this on purpose, he just... doesn't realize the effect he has on you. But between you and me, he's 100% teasing you.

He's the one covered in kisses, and yet you're the one shying away from him and getting all embarrassed. Seems your plan to fluster him backfired.

"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" You would ask.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. You're the one who asked for help." Would be his response.

Somehow you end up with more marks on your skin than he does?? Since you get to kiss him a bunch, he doesn't see why he can't kiss you back. And maybe he bites a lil, idk.

This will either end with you scurrying away, or with him pouncing you and abandoning the lipstick. Make your choice.

JASON THE TOYMAKER

He's busy tinkering with a new creation when you enter his workshop carrying every single lipstick you own.

He's too focused on his own work to really pay attention to you, so he just mutters a vague 'yeah' when he hears you ask a question, not really catching anything you said.

Jason's only vaguely aware that you're in the same room as him as he leans forward, brows pinched together as he focuses on stitching up a small stuffed animal.

It's not until he feels you resting your hand on his shoulder, pulling him back slightly and pressing a kiss against his cheek that he's brought to reality.

Just sits there, confused for the longest second, his hand coming up to his cheek where he had felt your lips. He's not against the sudden affection by any means, he's just a bit curious as to why you were suddenly giving him so many kisses.

When you explain how you're trying to find kiss proof lipstick, he lets out a small 'oh' and he goes back to his work.

Or, at least, he tries to get back to his work.

But you continue placing little kisses against his skin every few minutes, and it's making it really hard to focus, and he can feel his face getting hotter and hotter the longer this goes on.

Jason fucking loves you, okay? He tells you it multiple times a day. You are the one for him. So you smothering him with a bunch of kisses has him feeling all soft and gooey inside.

Whatever the hell he was working on before was no longer important to him, his gaze now seemingly glued to you and every little move you make as he leans back in his chair, basking in your attention.

Like hell he'll let you leave when you run out of lipstick.

You doomed yourself the moment you walked into his workshop to even start this little game.

He'll be dragging you down onto his lap and will refuse to let you go until he's had his fill of you. Which could be like... all day. Jason could never get tired of you.

NINA THE KILLER

Hell yeah!! She's been meaning to go through her lipsticks too, so she takes this as an opportunity to do that.

She definitely makes it into a game as well, I think.

You two will trade lipsticks without looking at the labels, and you'd both have to guess who was wearing what lipstick based on the shade and the feel.

The two of you trade kisses, lipstick stains covering her cheeks and your jaw and neck.

She really did just want to find a kiss proof lipstick, but each kiss had her letting out a small giggle.

And she knew you were teasing her, always leaning in for her lips before dodging and pressing another kiss against her cheek.

All that teasing had her feeling flustered, and she just wanted you to stop messing around and kiss her lips already. So when you put on a new thing of lipstick, she doesn't even give you a chance to do anything before she's pulling you closer and slamming her lips against yours.

You probably planned for this to happen, she thinks, but she didn't really care much.

You don't need an excuse to kiss her silly, you just gotta do it.

And when the two of you finally break the kiss, you're both breathless. Lipstick stains your skin, and both of your lips were smeared.

Nina didn't even care about the little game you two had been playing anymore, her hands resting on your cheeks.

She thought you looked stunning like this.

And it's not like you two had any pressing matters to attend to, so she didn't hesitate before leaning in for another kiss.

JEFF THE KILLER

When you had asked him for help with finding a 'kiss proof' lipstick, he honestly didn't understand why. Like... did you want him to put the lipstick on and kiss napkins with you? And why would you need his help doing that anyways?

He would've said no, if you hadn't asked really nicely.

Definitely grumbling about how dumb he thought this was as you get everything together.

Someone would probably assume you had a gun to his head or something from the way he looked as if he didn't want to be there, arms crossed and somehow frowning even though his scars made it look strange.

It really isn't until you place the first kiss against his cheek that he finally shuts up.

Oh. So this is what you had planned?

Truth be told, Jeff wasn't that big a fan of affection unless he was initiating it, but... he supposes he could let it slide, just this once. Especially after you press another kiss to his cheek.

You could never get this man to admit that he's enjoying this, but it's not like he was doing a good job at hiding it, either.

The frown he had was gone, replaced by a smile he was barely able to conceal. Do not point out the smile, he will leave the room if you do.

Each kiss you give him makes his heart race faster and faster, and when you're wiping off the last lipstick you have, talking about how you've yet to find a kiss proof one, Jeff is an utter mess.

He's got his face buried in his hands, cursing to himself for being so weak when it came to you.

Fuck, he really loves you.

[domreader-headcannon-scenarios]

okok so I had an idea

Cucking Sitri cause he's being a brat by pegging Amy from behind while Sitri is restrained face up on the bed below us, and all he can do is watch his rival being treated so well

-Ahh I love this!! Sitru is so easy to make jelly he’d be fuming watching you fuck Amy!

Amy + Sitri

-

Cw: restraints, cucking, pegging

Out of frustration Sitri had gotten into another scuffle with Amy, though even as Sitri had told you Amy started it, you did see Sitri throw the first punch. You couldn’t care less if they argued but you drew the line with physical violence since of course they could get hurt!

Sitri had tried to justify it, twisting words to sound like Amy had all but begged him to be punched. Amy basically told the opposite story and told you Sitri had instigated it, you’d chosen Sitri to be punished, given he’s the one who hit Amy.

That’s what lead to you tying Sitri up on his bed, the restraints keep him in place, legs spread and arms above his head, his clothes still on, given Amy had helped you tie him up. Sitri and Amy had basically avoided speaking the whole time, you were left to do the talking and guiding them.

“Alright, secure?” You ask Sitri, he lazily test the restraints and nods. “Good, Amy, undress.” As you said that they both gave you a puzzled look, Amy looking more upset than anything.

“In front of him? No thank you.” He hisses out, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m not interested in this piece of shit ogling me!” He hissed out, Sitri huffed out a laugh in reaction.

“I don’t want to see his little cock, he’s pathetic enough as-“ You had to interfere before Amy tried to attack the restrained demon.

“Both of you shut up, Amy get undressed or I won’t touch you for a month.” You warned, Amy blinked at you, processing the info, he sighs and nods, biting his tongue he threw his clothes aside. “Good, get on your hands and knees over Sitri.”

Both of them pause and look to you, though after a second Amy relents and basically mounts Sitri to get into position, you caught Sitri glancing lower than he should have but brush it off since you’re certain teasing either might escalate into a fight. You go to the bedside drawer and grab the strap you had prepared.

Using a bit of live, you get ontop of Amy, gently pushing the strap into him as you lay your chest on his back. Amy mewled, not really giving you a chance to get comfortable before he started grinding against you in hopes of more friction.

Sitri hissed in annoyance. “You’re acting like a bitch in heat Amy. Quit squirming so much (M/c) hasn’t even moved yet.” He grumbled out using an agitated tone, Any growled back.

“You’re just pissed you’re…” He groaned as you finally start moving. “You’re not getting attention, and that they don’t want to fuck you.”

Amy gave an airy laugh, Sitri snarled and tried to yank the restraints, twisting under Amy, though the little out burst got cut short by Amy keening as you slam into him.

“Both of you grow up. If you keep fighting I’m walking away.” You warned, adjusting your thrust to hit deeper into Amy, right as you angle your thrust downwards, Amy whimpers, you show him mercy, reaching down you stroke him, gently rubbing the underside of his cock.

Sitri grimaced, looking to where you’re stroking Amy. “The hell? You can’t even control yourself, Amy? You’re making a mess!” Looking down you have to hold back a laugh. You must have gotten a good few thrust, the way Amy’s cock is leaking consistently, all onto Sitri’s stomach, making a messy white puddle.

Amy respond this time, ducking down with a growl he bites into Sitri’s shoulder, making Sitri cry out and hiss in discomfort. “Knock it off! You’re ruining my clothes!” Sitri snapped.

Humming, you give a few more good thrust, stroking Amy fast, until Amy growls into the bite he’s given Sitri, then you feel him tremble, a low whine escaping him. Sitri looked mortified, pissed and jealous.

Amy collapses into Sitri, finally releasing him, panting, he lays limp onto of Sitri. You gently pet his head, slowing your thrust to a halt, you slowly pull the strap out. “Good boy, Help me clean up now.” You say lightly slapping his side.

Amy lazily sighed and begrudgingly gets up to help you, Sitri gave you a hopeful look. “You’ll give me a chance next yes?” He said as if you didn’t do this to punish him.

“I gave you a show, this is for starting fights, and Amy,” You said, with a low hiss. “I’ll do the same to you if you start anything, both of you need to learn to get along.”

-

[redfoxwritesstuff]

AN: I want to take a moment to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday or a really good wednesday. Be good, be kind, don't lick doorknobs.

CW: smut, Luci being a sad sack of shit, threesome, two dicks in one hole, oral

Summary: On a rare snow day in hell, the residents of the hotel indulge in a snowball fight that has a rather enlightening ending, revealing unlikely teammates and what you would have considered even less likely feelings. The solution to the frosty mess? Even more surprising.

Snow glittered in the dim light of hell’s sun. You were eager to get out of the hotel and into the snow. It had been decades since you had seen snow, an actual torture you hadn’t been aware you were suffering from until a Christmas miracle struck and hell rather literally froze over. 

It didn’t take long for the hotel residents to join you. Snowballs flew through the air, pelting residents. You seemed to be disproportionately the target of the attacks. It had to have been Alastor. You were so sure of it, and yet every time a snowball landed, it came from the wrong direction. 

He was innocent of the frozen crimes you had so badly wished to accuse him of and that was making you all the more angry. It didn’t help that you couldn’t seem to do more than land a glancing blow with your own balls. 

You were ready to scream and then you saw it. 

“Are you fucking serious?!” you raged, catching sight of Alastor’s shadow holding a bright white ball of icy terror and getting ready to send it to you. He had the manners to at least look sheepish when he was caught before melting away. 

Alastor knew he was caught, holding his hands up as he tried to convince you he was innocent of the snowy crimes you accused him of. You wouldn’t hear any of it, raging at him as you compacted a snowball, trying to look as threatening as you could. 

You were going to shove that snowball right into his charming, handsome face as he laughed. Just as you were going to shove that icy ball into his face, a wave of cold washed over you. 

White was everywhere and then all you could see was red. Everything went black as the force of the snow pushed you forward and down, crashing you into Alastor. The two of you fell in a heap, limbs tangling as snow buried the both of you. 

You gasped, snow filling your mouth as the weight piled onto you. Over the blanket of snow, you could just hear the sound of Lucifer laughing, surely filled with glee over having caught Alastor for once. 

You struggled, wiggling and fighting to get free from the cold embrace of the snow. At first, you hadn’t realized the impacts of where you landed until you heard the gasping moan of Alastor and felt… oh. You felt a lot of Alastor’s body under you, even parts of his body you hadn’t thought you would ever feel at all. 

“I am so, so sorry.” You whispered, eyes wide and body frozen in place as Alastor throbbed against your hip. Heat rose in your face as you felt his hardness twitched against you. “I swear- we don’t have to ever talk abo-” 

Hot lips crashed against yours as Alastor leaned up. For a moment, you thought it was somehow an accident. Alastor surely wouldn’t be kissing you. Doubt swirled in your mind until you felt his hand slip around the back of your neck, holding you in place. 

Cold water soaked into your hair, ran down your neck as it melted around you. Alastor’s hips twitched, pushing his hardness into you in a barely restrained attempt to get some stimulation. 

You melted with the snow, sinking into Alastor’s arms. Though you had never thought Alastor would give you a second glass, your heart pounded in your chest. The crush you harbored for Alastor was one of your most sacred secrets. 

“Finally,” Lucifer said as he scooped snow off of you. 

Your eyes fluttered open at the sound of his voice and the light filtering in through your eyelids. The idea that anyone would see your intimate moment with Alastor, unplaned through it was made you feel vulnerable. Below you, Alastor sent a wink up to the devil who had uncovered you. 

Oh. 

The world crashed down around you. They had planned this, whatever this was. 

There were so many questions you wanted to ask but the clatter of your teeth as you shivered cut off any chance of asking them at that moment. The snow had melted on your back, soaking what passed as a jacket in hell. 

“Come on,” Lucifer said, offering his hand to help you up. 

You hesitated for a moment, looking between Alastor and the king. You had thought they couldn’t stand eachother. You had thought they would never work together and yet they had. ‘Why?’ was just one more question you wanted to ask them. 

“Let’s get you inside,” Alastor said as he stood, shaking the snow from his coat. His tall red ears flicked, sending snow flying. 

Alastor’s hand rested against the small of your back, a guiding hand as Lucifer told the others they were taking you inside to warm up. Everything felt so coordinated as you stepped inside the hotel. 

How you ended up in Lucifer’s suite, wearing his dressing gown, you didn’t know. They had just led you along, not giving you the chance to turn off to your room. They walked as if they knew exactly where they were going to take you. Teamwork, once again. 

“What is going on?” you finally braved asking as Lucifer handed you a mug of cocoa. 

“What ever do you mean, darlin’?” Alastor’s smile grew wider as you shifted on the couch. 

“What do I mean?” You had to look between the two men, both sets of eyes so intently focused on you. “What I mean is you-” you pointed to Lucifer with the mug of cocoa. “buried us in snow. And then you-” you pointed the mug at Alastor. “You fucking- you kissed me.”

“Yes,” Alastor hummed, “I suppose I did.” 

“You winked at him.” Your attention was focused on Alastor as you spoke, sparing a moment to sip the offensively good cocoa. “Why? You planned this- why? What is going on?” 

“I-” Lucifer sighed, eyes flicking toward Alastor before he focused on you again. “We like you.” 

“We?” You struggled to wrap your head around the conversation you were having. “What does that mean?”

“It means, Cher, that both the Little King and I seem to have developed a deep care for you.” Alastor’s wide smile told you so very little, so you turned to Lucifer. 

“I- yes.” Lucifer nodded, eyes darting away from you.

“Then why did you help him kiss me?” You struggled to follow any of their logic.

“He thought you wouldn’t want him.” Alastor offered. “He thought you would rightfully pick me, the superior choice.” 

“Fuck you,” Lucifer snapped. 

“So, what?” You struggled to follow the conversation between the rivals turned unwilling teammates. “You just gave up?” 

“You don’t want a depressed divorced man.” Lucifer laughed. 

“Why do you get to decide that for me?” You struggled to wrap your head around what was going on. Less than an hour ago you were under the snow, kissing Alastor as his cock throbbed under you and now both men you had fancied sat in front of you, telling you they both had feelings for you. “Why don’t I get to decide?” 

“And what would you decide?” Alastor asked, setting his mug of cocoa down. “If we had given you a choice?” 

“I-” The words died in your throat. “I don’t know.” 

“How would you decide?” Lucifer asked, a hint of hope in his voice. 

“Why should I have to decide?” You pouted. “Why should I have to pick at all? 

“And that’s why we picked for you.” Alastor laughed. 

“And who says you get to pick? Why should anyone have to pick?”

“What are you saying?” Lucifer asked, setting his mug of cocoa on the table. 

You huffed, focusing your attention on your cocoa, closing your eyes as you took a sip. You didn’t even know what you were saying, what you were thinking. All you knew was that everything was too much. 

The men both moved so fast, not giving you a chance to really prepare for what came next. Lucifer and Alastor were on their knees in front of you, pulling your thighs as far apart as they would go. 

Tongues swiped up your folds, licking and sucking at your clit as the two men fought for space. The warring sensations had you gasping for breath, each talented tongue leaving you gasping. Your thighs ached with how you were spread wide. 

“Careful,” Alastor teased, looking up at you as you clutched your mug of cocoa. “You don’t want to spill.” 

“It’ll land on my head,” Lucifer teased, coming up for air. “And then we’ll have to stop.” 

“Now tell us, who’s better?” Alastor asked, tongue running through your folds again.

“I don’t,” you struggled to think through the sensations. “I can’t.” 

Lucifer shoved Alastor out of the way, worming his long forked tongue into your twitching opening. Alastor would have none of that. Lean arms slipped under your thighs and wrapped around your hips. 

“Shit,” you squeaked out the word as he lifted you up off the couch. 

“You’re hogging her,” Alastor said as he planted your back against the wall, working your thighs up onto his shoulders. 

“Fuck, Alastor!” Lucifer whined. “I can’t reach.” 

“I know,” Alastor said, as he delved back between your legs. 

He ate your cunt like a man starved. Cocoa splattered, running from the mug that tipped down, forgotten in the pleasure. Sharp teeth teased the sensitive bud of your clit. You gasped his name as the sting of pain swam within pleasure. 

“That’s right,” Alastor said, lips working against your clit as he spoke, not willing to be apart from your sweet core for a moment longer than he had to. “Sing my name.” 

As he pushed you closer and closer to your orgasm, the sound of Lucifer’s complaints drown out. The shoulder of the robe fell down, exposing skin you no longer cared about anyone else seeing. 

“Alastor,” you cried his name again and again as you came, fingers flexing as waves of pleasure ran through your body. The mug fell, crashing to the ground in a rain of chocolate covered shards. “Alastor! Alastor!” 

He let your body slide from his shoulders, wet cunt smearing down the soft, well-worn fabric of his shirt. The buttons caught, scratching your sensitive skin. 

“I think I won,” Alastor laughed as he held you to him, carrying you easily toward the large bed in lucifer’s room. 

“You didn’t fight fair,” Lucifer accused. 

“I’m not a thing to fight over,” you sighed as Alastor nestled you onto the bed. Lucifer crawled up onto the bed in front of you, naked. When he got that way, you didn’t know. His golden flushed cock stood out proudly. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Alastor grumbled as he worked his bowtie free from his neck. 

“Well-” Lucifer chuckled, enjoying the way your eyes roamed his body. While he wasn’t secure about his mental health or his ability to keep a partner happy emotionally and mentally, he had no doubt of his ability to sexually satisfy.

Alastor had stolen his chance to shine orally, but Lucifer was eager enough to show his skills another way. 

“Put your clothes on. It was my name she was screaming.” Alastor ran his hand over your curves, not actually bothering to cover where your legs met. 

“Who said she picked yet?” Lucifer countered, reaching out to tug the shoulder of the robe down, exposing your breast. Your pretty pink nipple slipped out from under the soft fuzzy fabric. “You’ll let me fuck you, won’t you, angel?” 

“Oh,” you moaned as he softly caressed the soft skin of your breast, running his nails over the sensitive bud of your nipple, urging it to pull tighter and tighter. “Okay,” you sighed. 

Lucifer grabbed your hip, pulling your body to him. His strong hand ran down your thigh, gripping your leg and pulling it over his hip. The blunt head of his cock ran up and down your folds, spreading your slick over him. 

“Who says you get to fuck her first?” Alastor grumbled, grinding his clothed crotch against your ass. 

“I’ll share,” Lucifer teased, “If she’s up for it.” 

“What?” You gasped as his cock nudged your clit, caressing it softly as your slick gathered on his shaft, spread between your folds as he thrust through them. 

“Would you like that?” Alastor hooked your jaw and pulled you to look at him over your shoulder. “Would you like it if we both fucked you?” 

“I-” Your attempt to answer was cut off by his lips sealing over yours in a soft kiss. 

“You did say you didn’t want to pick,” Lucifer added as you faced him again, Alastor’s hand leaving your jaw to caress your chest, palming the swell of your breast before disappearing. 

“What if we didn’t make you pick?” Alastor offered, working the buttons of his shirt free one after the other. 

“What if played nice and you could have your cake and eat it too?” Lucifer offered. 

Part of you felt like this was somehow their endgame. It felt like it had all be a game to get you here, mind foggy with desire as they offered you a deal soaked in sin. 

Any chance you had of thinking things through was gone the moment you felt Alastor’s pants shimmy down his hips. The hot weight of his cock sprang out, resting against your ass as he worked his clothes off. 

“What do you say?” Alastor whispered in your ear, hand resting on your hip as his cock twitched. 

“Okay.” You whimpered as Lucifer’s cock slipped into your wet cunt, spreading your walls around him. His size was disproportionate to his height and lean frame. The burn of your unprepped hole spreading for him was delicious. 

The head of Alastor’s cock rested against your puckered ring of muscle. He pressed forward, a slow and steady pressure that remained constant while Lucifer began his slow thrusting into you. 

“Have you ever?” Lucifer asked as he sighed, enjoying the simple pleasure he had long missed of simply being inside the body of another. 

“No.” You sighed, tense body relaxing with each smooth thrust of Lucifer’s cock through your sensitive walls. 

“We’ll take good care of you, baby.” Alastor promised, cooing the words in your ear as the head of his cock finally breached the tight ring of your asshole. Your body jumped with the intrusion, sharp pain dulling into a burning pain. 

“Shh,” Lucifer cooed, “Relax. Let him in.” 

Alastor kissed your neck as his cock twitched, the head of him just moving inside you. Each thrust into you Lucifer made pushed you back slightly more onto the cock in your ass. Pain slowly morphed into pleasure as Alastor pushed slowly deeper into your virginal asshole. 

“There you go,” Alastor whispered. “You’re taking me in so well.” 

“Gosh,” Lucifer gasped. “You’re making her even tighter.” 

“Oh god,” you whispered as Alastor finally bottomed out, hips resting flush against your plush ass. 

The men slowly began moving against eachother. Each of Lucifer’s thrusts into you pushed you back on Alastor’s cock, forcing him in deeper. Alastor returned the favor, pushing into your ass and pushing Lucifer’s cock deeper into you. 

They worked at a slow, lazy pace, soft words of praise whispered in your ears. They took turns lavishing you in sweet kisses as clung to them, both with your arms and your body. 

Sweat gathered on your skin as you trembled, overwhelmed by the feeling of the two cocks sliding against one another inside you. You were so close to your orgasm and yet part of you was terrified of cuming in that position. Would the force of it rip you apart? 

The orgasm snuck up on you, breaking the dam when you were distracted with the soft slide of their bodies against yours. Your back arched as you gasped, choking on the power of the orgasm, face nestled in the crook of his neck, breathing in the musky scent of him.

Lucifer’s lips latched onto your nipple, teasing the sensitive bud as your body twitched and spasmed, walls trying to milk the men inside your holes. 

“Fuck this,” Alastor grumbled, pulling from your twitching ass. Magic flared, burning behind you, but he didn’t give either of you a chance to question things as he grabbed your thigh, pulling it up and spreading you wider. 

“If you want us both, you’ll have to take us both.” Alastor growled in your ear.

“What are you doing?” Lucifer pulled from your nipple and looked over you to Alastor, eyes widening as he felt the dull head of the other man’s cock press against his shaft. “You’re not serious.”

“Deathly,” Alastor growled out as he pushed forward, working your hole wider. 

You gasped, nails digging into both men as you shuddered. Your hole burned as he pushed the limits of what your body could take. 

“Too much,” you cried out, “Too much. Too big.” 

“Al, she’s going to strangle us at this rate.” Lucifer couldn’t keep the moan from his voice as your hole grew impossibly tight around him, the foreign feeling of another cock pushing in alongside his. 

“You’ll be fine,” Alastor insisted, pulling his cock out slightly before pushing into you again, forcing your inner walls to make way for him. 

Lucifer grunted, the pressure of Alastor’s cock trying to crush his while your body struggled to part for him. The slick side of Alastor’s cock moving against his made it difficult for Lucifer to remain frozen in place. 

You choked on your gasps, the burning stretch consuming all of you as Alastor spread your cunt wider than you ever thought was possible. The pain was matched by the intoxicating full feeling as he settled into you, hips resting against your ass as he held your hips as weld as he could.

“Hold on,” Lucifer groaned as your walls clamped down with each move either of their cocks made. “Sit up.” 

“Why?” Alastor asked, thrusting his hips lazily into your slick hole. 

“If you- fuck- if you put her in your lap we can- stop fucking doing that, you’re making it hard to think.” Lucifer struggled and failed to resist the urge to slowly work his cock deeper into you, nestling his hips so tight against you that his balls were resting against Alastor’s. Never in the last century did he think he’d be balls to balls, dick to dick with the one man he thought he couldn’t stand. “If she’s in your lap, we can spread her wider.” 

“What?” Alastor grunted as his cock slid through your walls, moving against Lucifer’s. “Is she too tight for you?” 

Lucifer moaned, thrusting lazily against the slide of Alastor, moving through your walls. “I just- golly, I just don’t want to hurt her.” 

Alastor shifted, cradling you with his arm as he looked down at your flushed, dazed face. Your lips were parted, saliva dangerously close to falling from them as you took shallow breath after shallow breath, body shaking like a leaf in his arms. 

Leaning down, Alastor kissed you, smiling as you responded, kissing him weakly. His clawed hand gripped your side before running up your chest, cupping your sweet breast. Your heart thundered in your chest, slamming against your ribs with such force that he could feel it under his hand. 

“I think she’s doing just fine, aren’t you, baby?” Alastor purred in your ear, once again using a pet name that you never would have expected to pass from his lips. 

“Ye-” Your agreement was little more than a sigh as the cocks slid against eachother, softly fucking into you. What the thrusts lacked in power, they made up with in the way you were stretched painfully wide around the two men. 

Never, even in your wildest sexual fantasies, did you consider how it would feel to have two men fucking into your pussy at once. It spread you so tightly around them that you were sure they were going to rip you apart. The pressure of their cocks against your walls had them hitting every delicate nerve, body already painfully sensitive from the two orgasms the men had ripped from you. 

“Why don’t you kiss your king?” Alastor urged, hand wrapping strands of your hair around his fingers as he guided your head down toward the smaller man, looking up at you with a love drunk look in his lust blown eyes. 

Your fingers trembled as you reached out, caressing the soft white skin of your other lover. Soft touches traced where the black of his arms faded into gray. You caressed the flexing muscles of his arm and shoulder as he resisted the urge to chase his release before coming to rest on his chest. 

The overwhelming fullness and pleasure of having them both moving inside you made it a battle to work your muscles, but you struggled to lean into him, whimpering as the cocks continued to push and pull inside you. Your body squelched with the sound of it, each pushing through the imperfect seal. 

Lucifer wrapped his arm around you, urging your trembling body to bend to him as he worked into your cramped, warm, wet tunnel again and again. His lips met yours timidly, unsure still if you’d really want him. There was no hesitation in your response. 

You sighed into the kiss as your lips melted into his, becoming one as you breathed eachother in. Lucifer found his confidence as you clung to him, deepening the kiss with a soft swipe of his tongue. In a matter of moments, he was inside you in another way, tasting you. 

The soft sounds of lovemaking slowly morphed, changing as the pleasure became overwhelming. The bed creaked with the force of moving bodies as you lay, caught between the two men you wouldn’t have dared hope you could have as they worked your body tighter and tighter. 

“She’s getting close,” Lucifer said, lips leaving yours to return to your chest. 

“Getting so much tighter,” Alastor grunted with the force of his thrusts, pushing through walls that tried to lock both men in place within you. “Going to cum for us?” 

“I c-can’t.” Tears ran from your eyes as each man continued to work inside you, pushing you deeper and deeper into the mindless sea of painful pleasure. “I can’t.” 

“You can,” Alastor promised, “You’ve taken us so good, you can do this for us.” 

Bodies slapped into yours, the sound of them hitting your sweat slicked skin coming louder and faster as they chased their single-minded goal. All you could do was hold on to them, whimpering and begging for something, anything, as they sought to it you would come undone for them one more time. 

You came as a screaming, whimpering mess, clinging to your lovers with everything you could. Your toes curled so hard that they cramped. The blunt edges of your nails bit into whatever skin you could reach, not nearly powerful enough to break their skin. 

It felt like you were coming apart at the seams as harsh waves of pleasure pulled your muscles tight. Alastor pulled your neck back, covering your parted lips with his as he used his kiss to silence your screams.

Each man was moaning, groaning as your body begged for thier seed. Lucifer was the first to succumb to the temptation, pace turning faster and faster. The slick side of his cock against Alastor’s urged him on, drawing him into a race to the finish.

Each powerful thrust knocked the air from your lungs. The cocks within you swelled slightly, demanding more room from the walls stretched beyond their limits. They twitched against eachother, cocks rubbing your walls as you clung to what little sanity you could manage. 

There was nothing that could prepare any of you for the feeling of both men reaching their climax at the near same time. Hot ropes of cum shot from both cocks, harshly twitching against eachother as you were left a moaning, sobbing mess between you. 

The men’s fingers dug into your body, gripping you as their thrusts turned harsh, each fighting to fuck their seed deeper into you. Their essence leaked from your opening, mixing and seeping from your body in a sticky mess that tried to glue your lover’s cocks together. 

Lucifer’s cock popped from your swollen hole, slipping his messy shaft along your thigh, rubbing against Alastor as he thrusted lazily into you, slowly coming to a stop as he pulled your back into his chest. 

Lucifer looked at you, hesitating for a moment before scooting into you, placing a soft kiss on your lips as he nestled himself within your arms. Behind you, Alastor nuzzled into the soft hair at the back of your neck, breathing in the scent of you. 

“Would you have really wanted me?” Lucifer whispered, looking so much like the timid, depressed man he was under all the pride, power, and status. 

“I do want you,” you whispered, mind still on the post orgasmic cloud, preventing you from thinking about anything too hard at all. “I want you both. It’s not fair.” 

“Then have us both,” Alastor whispered in your ear. “We worked together to get here.”

“Okay,” Lucifer whispered, looking to Alastor for reassurance. Though Alastor didn’t take his head from where he was tucked against you but Lucifer still could see the slight nod of Alastor’s head. “We can be a thing, the three of us.” 

“Okay,” you sniffled, sleep pulling you under as your body relaxed, trembles slowly beginning to come to a stop. 

What tomorrow would look like, you didn’t know. How this thing between the three of you would work out, you didn’t know. All you knew is for the first time in both your life and your afterlife, you felt safe tucked into their arms. 

Join us at VoxTek for a Vox themed Hazbin Discord where we talk Vox, Hazbin, writing, reading, art and who knows what else. You may even catch some exclusive sneak peeks at upcoming fics from some of your favorite writers including the first page of the next chapter of MisD a day early!!

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

Glory Hallelujah

Written for day 25 of the @steddieholidaydrabbles and the 12 Days of Christmas bonus card of the @steddiebingo

Prompts: Christmas & Glory Hole

Rated: E

Tags: Post-Vecna; Everybody Lives; Rockstar Eddie; Sex Clubs; Glory Holes; Blowjobs; Reunions

Notes: I did a poll to determine which prompt from the bingo card I should combine with the Christmas prompt of the holiday drabbles. Merry Dick-mas, you filthy heathens, I love all of you! ❤️

Eddie isn’t sure what the correct word for someone like him is. He’s been pondering it over four beers now, watching the bored-looking girl at the center of the room spin around her pole, but without any success. 

Pathetic springs to mind, but that isn't strong enough. There must be a stronger word than pathetic for someone spending Christmas at a goddamn sex club. But he was lonely, and he had nowhere to go, so it seemed like a good idea. 

It wasn’t. The place is glaringly empty, even Indy’s kink scene having better places to be on this most magical of nights.

He should’ve gone to Kentucky with Wayne. 

Except this is the old guy’s first time meeting his girlfriend’s family, and Eddie can just imagine how this would’ve played out if he’d tagged along.

Hi, I’m Eddie, Wayne’s nephew. Yeah, I might look familiar. Yeah, I was on the cover of Rolling Stone last month. Thanks, I’m happy your grandkids like my music. Yeah, no, I didn’t commit those satanic murders, that was- Listen, can we talk about my uncle? 

So, instead, here he is. 

Fuck, he hasn’t felt this miserable and mad at himself since that one time he told Steve Harrington to get back with his girl while inconspicuously ogling the guy’s sweaty chest hair under his own battle vest. 

Eddie sighs, getting up from his chair. He might as well head home while he still has some self-respect left.

He's almost at the exit when something catches his eye. There's a row of stalls in the wall, each with its own lockable door. 

The light over one is on. 

There's no fucking way, he thinks, even as his feet carry him right over and into the adjacent cabin. Someone probably forgot to kill the light. There's no fucking way anyone is in there. That would be at least as pathetic as a fucking rock star going to a fucking sex club on fucking Christmas day because he's a depressed moron. 

Still, he goes in, locks the door and pulls down his pants. The hole in the wall stares back at him like it's trying to mock him. Eddie tells himself to stop being silly. 

Worst case scenario is he stands here with his limp dick poking through a hole in the wall like an idiot. Nobody will know, because nobody’s there. Best case scenario is he gets to blow off some steam. 

Nothing happens. 

Eddie sighs and is just about to pull out when suddenly, there's movement. His heart leaps into his throat. He hears it all through the thin wall. A sharp intake of breath, like whoever is on the other side is just as surprised as him. They probably are. They've probably been in there a while. Then, the thud of knees hitting the floor. Eddie has just enough time to think that the mystery person must be really eager for this before he feels soft, warm lips wrapping around his tip. 

Whoever the person in the other stall is, they sure know what they’re doing. They start out gently, slowly sliding Eddie’s swelling cock in and out of that deliciously warm mouth, tongue teasing the length of him. Once he's fully hard, the tongue is joined by a hand, alternating soft licks with firm strokes, and Eddie feels something urgent and hot build at the base of his spine. He moans, fingers grasping the top of the stall for leverage as his hips buck, trying to get closer to that mouth even with the wall between them. 

They keep this up for several minutes. Eddie tries to keep his voice down, but it seems like each of his groans and whimpers spurs the other person on. And then, they scrape their teeth over his tip, and a startled curse escapes his lips, and they swallow him all the way down, as far as the wall allows. 

Eddie comes with a hoarse shout, spilling hot and wet into that mouth. The other person doesn’t pull away. Eddie feels their throat constricting around him as they swallow.

“Fuuuck,” Eddie groans, forehead sagging against the wall. His arms feel like jelly from supporting his weight. “Shit. Jesus. Shitshitshit.” 

And that is when the other person pulls off. 

“Eddie, if it’s you, please come out?” 

“Wait a sec,” says a voice. A voice garbled and wrecked from sucking his cock and swallowing his come. A voice that Eddie hasn’t heard in ten years.

Eddie’s heart stops. On the other side of the wall, a door opens.

“Eddie?” Right outside his own door. “Shit, is that really you?”

This isn’t real. It’s some bizarre, orgasm-induced pipe dream brought about by too much beer and seasonal depression. There’s no way the person outside is who Eddie thinks he is. 

He does. At least he remembers to pull up his pants first.

The door swings open, and there he is. Steve Harrington, ten years older but no less gorgeous, clad in skintight denim and a silky purple shirt, lips turned up into a delighted smile. They’re still swollen and shiny. 

“I knew it!” he cheers, pulling Eddie into a hug. “Nobody else babbles curses like that.”

Eddie grunts. Steve pulls back, holding him at arm’s length. 

“Looking good,” he smiles. “Even better than on that Rolling Stone cover. How have you been, man? Dustin said you talk sometimes, but you never-” 

“What the fuck is going on here?” Eddie blurts. His knees are wobbly and his head is spinning. “You aren’t- … You just sucked my- … You’re straight!” 

Steve laughs, and it’s every bit as breathtaking as Eddie remembers. 

“Yeah, no, I figured that out a while ago. Which you would know, if you’d just kept in touch.” He winks right into Eddie’s gobsmacked face, then takes him by the shoulder and steers him towards the bar. “How about you buy me a drink? We can celebrate this little Christmas miracle, and I’ll bring you up to speed.” 

More holiday drabbles

More Steddie Bingo

[tesungs]

jujutsu kaisen men as different kinds of yandere archetypes — ♡ -> ft gojo, geto, yuta

warnings -> obsessiveness,unhealthy relationships, delusions, kidnapping, stalking

gojo satoru as the overprotective type — ♡

♡ gojo is inclined to protect you; after everything he has been through, he only does what he does to keep you safe.

♡ gojo watches everything you do to an obsessive degree. he has your schedule memorized. from the time you wake up to the time you get off work and even when you go to bed. he even tracks your location throughout the day. He had to put the tracker on your phone while you were sleeping. He didn't want you to freak out about it.

♡ gojo, who cares about you more than anything. who will do anything to keep you safe, even if that means killing someone he deems a danger to you. A customer is rude to you at work; the next day you see them on the news.

♡ gojo, who finally takes you back to his place after so much thought and preparation. "shh, baby. you're safe now; nothing bad will ever happen to you ever again." 

geto suguru as the sadistic type  — ♡

♡ geto, who spreads rumors and lies about you. so you'll only belong to him. you like a new guy, and he'll make up horrible things about you and spread them around campus, making sure you always run back to him. because he thrives on control and manipulation.

♡ geto, who isolates you from your friends and family. he will convince you that he is the only one who truly cares about you, making you believe that your loved ones are trying to tear you apart. geto will manipulate your emotions and make you feel dependent on him for happiness and security. slowly, he will strip away your support system, leaving you vulnerable and completely under his control.

♡ geto, who will let you escape after he brings you to his place, letting you hope that you're finally free only to catch you once again. he will continue to manipulate and push you to your limits, making you feel trapped and alone.

♡ geto who fucks with your mind and emotions. telling you one thing and then doing another. Breaking down barriers of your mind and body.

yuta okkotsu as the delusonal type — ♡

♡ yuta who twists the interpretation of your relationship. blurring the lines between reality and fiction.

♡ yuta who is so in love with you he'll do anything to make sure your feelings are the same. He'll get rid of anyone in his way.

♡ yuta who creates scenarios in his head, touching himself to the idea of a love where your love is all-consuming. sneaking into your apartment, stealing your panties, and taking your things.

♡ yuta whose obsession with you drives him to do things he has never done before. in his eyes you are the center of the universe, and he will stop at nothing to make sure that you feel the same way.

♡ yuta who follows you around like a lost dog, creeping around every corner. But you are his ultimate prize, his reason for living.

♡ yuta's obsession seems harmless at first, but before you realize the extent of his obsession, it's too late. yuta 's love knows no bounds. 

[azulsluver]

I have an idea for bully!au so imagine kailm having a dream or saw something of a couple with a pet play fetish and liked to the idea of the dog collar and decided to put one in reader

Like kailm getting reader a dog leash and collar on them and tells them to keep the dog collar on but he puts the leash on whenever he seems them

How do you think the others would feel see kailm practically say he owns them as his

tw/cw: humiliation, forced pet play, dehumanization.

It’s not particularly a fetish, to Kalim at least. He doesn’t take any sexual pleasure, you are treated like a dog and that’s that. Kalim knows you aren’t a dog, but he likes it when your by his side where he can run his hands on top of your head, the small jingle of your collar letting him know you’re alive under his care.

You don’t just get the collar because what not, you have to earn it! So then does he let you walk around with a collar of his initials. Anyone outside would think you’re some sort of pervert walking around with a blinged out dog collar, but that’s punishment if you’ve been snappy at him. Then yes, he would let you have it on until he tells you to take it off when it’s bath time. The collar is handmade to fit comfortably and stand out.

He’s not a exhibitionist, but he knows it bothers you when you wear the collar outside of his bedroom. Again, don’t be a brat and he won’t have to drag you around with a leash and have you bark for forgiveness, he gets upset if you cry during the process.

In fact Kalim has a collection of collars for you depending on the occasion or outfit he puts you in.

This is who you choose, if you choose Kalim then he’ll gladly call you his. Everything you have and own is his anyways, so thank him nicely by rolling over. I’ll pick out three interesting characters seeing this side of Kalim.

Jade would be so curious as to how Kalim has you so obedient. To him, it’s hilarious seeing you prance around with shiny collar, because you look so comfortable. Kalim has no issue having Jade circle around you like a shark as he cups his chin, he’s polite to keep his hands to himself but his eyes assault you entirely.

It’s rude to laugh in Kalim’s presence, so once he corners you alone he’s pressing his knuckles to his lips to hide his grin. Aren’t you embarrassed? You can’t even stand for yourself, but it was bound to see you being treated like a dog. A well taken care of dog at that, you learn to respect and appreciate. Don’t go crying to Kalim, he’s just messing with you, a little tug at your collar shouldn’t bruise, but Jade enjoys having his gloved hands scratch at the top of your head as if ears were actually there.

Kalim managed to do it before he could. Lilia is a little jealous he didn’t think of it sooner. You look so nice with a collar around your neck. Pray he isn’t around Kalim when you’re present, Kalim has an issue of letting his friends push you around for laughs. Whether Kalim knows of Lilia’s behavior towards you you’re royally fucked. It’s the same when being punished except Kalim doesn’t see it that way, so he smiles through when Lilia asks if you could play ball for a while. He doesn’t play fair by the way.

Lilia has you bark for him when he’s chatting idly with Kalim. You need something? Just whine and bat those lashes, then will be put whatever he was focused on down and place his elbows on his knees to give you his fullest attention. Lilia is obsessed with this dynamic that he uses it on you regularly but with a more aggressive approach.

So humiliating, he would never show his face anywhere ever again. Luckily, it’s you and not Idia. At first Idia had mixed feelings about it, of course Mr. Sunshine is a freak hiding behind bright smiles. Although, he is a bit envious he gets all of your attention, if you were with him he would have made you into a beastmen if you wanted to be a dog so bad. Idia’s intentions and view point on you being treated like a dog is way different than what Kalim had in mind. Who’s the freak now?

You know some people are into these sort of things? Forcing and treating a human being like a pet, (mind you Idia prefers felines so as a mutt breed it’s what you deserve) degraded as to nothing worth more than a responsibility. Idia could make some good money for this, not that he needs it but it’s priceless watching you beg him not to encourage Kalim to agree. He won’t, Kalim isn’t dumb, he’ll scold Idia with how unruly he’s treating his puppy. Idea definitely gained some new fetish.

[stupidlittlespirit]

OKAY BUT SCP FOUNDATION FORD. I feel like young Ford would be absolutely GIDDY to join an organization that he thinks shares his world views and mission- scientifically classifying and studying anomalies. But he would absolutely get fired for being WAY too fucking weird about like everything. He gets too personally invested and obsessed for their liking imo.

I can also see young Ford being weird about anomalous people, who he'd identify with. That's like a thesis in itself, really.

Either way, Ford would get fired and then have a lifelong grudge against them lol

Old Ford would get fired for his general "I know more than you" vibe and be convinced that they fired him out of insecurity.

Dying to hear what head cannons you have for SCP Foundation and Ford 💞

Okay so I have spent way too long thinking about this because I actually wanted to write a fic about it and I’m very devoted to the whole concept in general, so this all applies to the Ford-SCP AU I have in my brain.

I’m so fond of the series. I was often on /x/ as a kid (not the rest of 4chan because, duh) and I would spend hours on it, reading up on greentexts and believing every single fucking word. I desperately wanted to work for the shadowy American governmental orgs that kept these creatures in containment/a secret, and I was devastated when I grew up and found out that they weren’t real. (A part of me holds out hope that they are a real organisation but if America was covering shit up, we’d know because they fucking suck at keeping stuff on the DL).  

Anyway, let’s get into it, and remember that I’m playing fast and loose with everything SCP related because everything is canon and therefore nothing is canon! 

Below is everything from my AU ideas to Ford’s behaviour to fucking SCP/Ford ships because fuck it why not:

I think you’re right: young, starry eyed Ford would be psyched to get to see that kind of thing, but I do think that he’d be too focused on carving out his own path to allow himself to get wrapped up in the government’s red tape. It would be something he enthusiastically pencils into his diary and intends to follow up on, but never does because of how things unfold. 

Post-Portal Ford, however, is going to be The Guy for them. His personal intellect is attractive enough, but Ford has a lot of stuff going for him on top: he’s travelled interdimensionally, he’s spent time in places that would get even 05 Council Members to sit up and take notes, he’s had talks with beings that the Foundation would give their child’s left kidney to be privy to (not that they wouldn’t sell their kid for a bag of magic beans anyway but whatever) and he’s got more than enough knowledge to hit the ground running with minimal (perceived) liability for them. I mean, Bill alone has to be a Keter / Apollyon type object, surely? World ending scenario and all that. 

I think he would still be very personally invested and enthusiastic at that age, too. He would do better at trying to be aware of himself because he’s more conscious of being taken advantage of, but he wouldn’t be able to help himself when it came to just being a total nerd about it all. 

How does Ford get picked up by the Foundation?

He’d be recruited thanks to his extensive publishing on the weird and wonderful stuff within Gravity Falls (which at some point is also catergorised by the Foundation themselves) and his travels with Stan, and he would be head hunted to work for the Foundation. 

And he’d say no at first, because he’s not going to work for the government, what are you, insane?! He would want nothing to do with them, and Stan, equally, would be wary of them because nothing good ever comes from the Feds, right?  But the Foundation would be persistent and they’d give Ford appetising incentives (funding, support, tools etc) for his own research, so he’d eventually give them an inch because he'd grow to wonder what they might have on offer and they’d then introduce themselves. 

Ford would be wary but as we all know, he’s a curious cat and it doesn’t matter how many times he gets run over, he still wants to know what’s on the other side of the road even if it means weaving between cars with a blindfold on. 

Ford is obviously going to have a vested interest in the anomalies because of his own abnormalities, however I do think he’d be laughed at for even considering himself a ‘freak’ because… well…. Take a look at the guys we’re dealing with here and then say ‘having six fingers makes you weird’ with a straight face. 

Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be empathised with by some of them, even by some of the staff, but some of the beings in the SCP universe are so extreme that having six fingers is an easily-overlookable trait. I mean, the reactions would range from “okay, and….?” to “good lord, get a grip, there are real problems out there in the world, man!” to “oh my god that’s cool, he’s just like me fr”. 

Ford would quickly learn that whatever research he’s done/is doing is really nothing in comparison to what the Foundation does. Not that his work is of less value or anything, just that the Foundation is so large and the breadth and scale of their work would be unbelievable to him. He’d still think he knew best in a lot of ways but he’d be willing to listen and learn from the researchers and scientists that he did admire.

However, Ford would definitely manage to piss off every other person on the site he gets contracted to LMAO. Except the scientists he respected, though perhaps even them sometimes. Oh, and the nicer/less serious D-Class personnel, because they’d often remind him of Stanley and he’d be rather grossed out by the process of sacrificing those lesser prisoners to creatures in the name of governmental gain, so he would make an effort to be patient with them where he can. 

Not to mention that he’d kick AWF if he found out how loosey goosey the regulations are around picking prisoners for testing…. We know the Foundation has a habit of taking anyone with a life sentence/death row conviction, but we also know that not every convict is guilty. On top of that, we know they’ll take literally anyone if they really need to get some tests done and they don’t really give a fuck what the D-Class has done. I mean, they’ll take civilians too, so. I don’t think Ford would be okay with that. 

If they’re actually just awful people then he’s not likely going to care as much of course, but sometimes I read/listen to reports with D-Class in them that have just sold drugs or something, and the researcher’s are like yeah fuck it put weed-dealer Greg in the box with the mutated crocodile made out of poisonous spikes and shake it really hard, it’ll be funny! I think that would upset Ford and he wouldn’t be afraid to kick off about it (after all, any of those D’s could have been his brother at one point, right?) 

Staff members:

In terms of working with specific staff members, he’s obviously not going to have much to do with MTF or even any of the agents etc, really. Not unless he would require specific information from them during a test or something. There could be crossover if he was to get pissed off at how poorly executed a field expedition went or something, but I expect that his main area of interaction would revolve around Researchers and Objects themselves. 

Let’s talk about my beloved Dr Bright. I think Ford would have a careful appreciation for Bright. As we know, Bright is a bit nuts. He’s very eccentric and volatile, but very intelligent and good at his job as well as being personally afflicted, what with his brother’s objecti-fication within the facility. Ford would recognise Bright’s appreciation for suicide (bless him, real recognises real) given all of his own personal issues and understand why Bright might be so difficult.  

I do, however, think Ford would also be exceptionally wary of Dr Bright, given the way he’s bound to SCP-963. If you don’t know, 963 is a medallion/necklace and if you wear it you’re immortal. However, it’s tied to Bright and if another person wears it, their mind is basically wiped and replaced with Dr Bright’s. So, it would be very close to possession and for Ford, that would be very triggering, I think. Ford would be amenable with Bright and even appreciative of his work, but he’d be too nervous about 963, even if the likelihood of him being made to wear it was low. 

Next up is another fav: Dr Alto Clef. Now, I think Ford would have a love-hate relationship with Clef. 

Clef is reeeeally smart and very talented. He’s also very eccentric and weird, and is also anomalous himself, so Ford can get behind that. But Clef is also a fucking nightmare. He lies and is gross and unethical (was an awful misogynist, but possibly isn’t anymore? Hard to know for sure because there’s a LOT of information out there and no hard canon), though I don’t think he’s an irredeemable guy. Most notably, Clef has what he refers to as a ‘deformity’. He underwent anomalous alterations that prevent his face from being photographed and gave him resistance to reality shifts. Clef is described in files but you just can’t ever see a photograph of his face.   

Though I think Ford would tire of Clef quite quickly, he’d be willing to give Clef more rope than Bright. I think Clef has a tendency to be kind of jammy and very funny, so I daresay Ford might be fonder of him than he’d let on and he wouldn’t feel as uncomfortable around him as he might with Bright’s 963 issue. Clef is also aroace! Yay!

Clef lies a lot though, so he might be more inclined to kick it with Stan than with Ford in terms of down time lol 

Onto Everett Mann. Dr Mann is said to have always felt like an outcast and he was also manipulated by an entity (Mr Lie) into doing something that put others at significant risk. I think he and Ford would have a kinship with that and they’d be friends. Technically, Clef killed Mann in one AU but whatever. No big deal. I think Mann is really funny and sweet, and he’d get on quite well with Ford. 

Honourable mentions for: 

Dr Elliott - known to be a too involved in the anomalies she works on and often gets fucked up by them because of it.  

Dr Glass, because obviously. We love Dr Glass in this house! I think Ford would always be wary around a psych professional but he’d be thrilled to hear about other SCP’s and understand their ways of thinking. I think Glass would also have a field day with Ford and he’d fill up at least 4 notebooks worth of psych-eval notes on him :) 

And there are more but there are SO many more that I can’t get all of them down here or I’ll be sitting at my PC forever. 

In terms of the actual anomalies that Ford becomes fond of:

Well, we have to start off with my absolute all-time favourite: SCP-507.

I highly recommend checking out Volgun’s video on him because it’s great. Frankly, all of Volgun’s videos are great if you’re interested in learning about SCP’s in a lore accurate way. 

SCP 507 is Ford’s special little guy. Ford LOVES him. Do I ship them? Kinda. That’s my business okay don’t judge me. 

In fact, I believe Ford likes him so strongly that I think when 507 requests a hug from personnel, following a traumatic shift, Ford is the one who grants it to him. I don’t care if the timelines don’t match up, I don’t care about anything that makes that impossible. I want 507 to get a hug and I think Ford gives great hugs. Ford would even volunteer to be his escort if he had the time to spare and I think he’d let 507 hang out in his lab sometimes. 

507 has always broken my heart because he’s so scared and so alone, and they won’t let him leave or really do much of anything. He really has nobody and he has 0 control over everything in his life, and I think that would resonate with Ford a lot. 

He’d be highly interested in SCP-2700 because it’s made by his All Time Fav hot scientist Nikola Tesla. While 2700 isn’t humanoid, I think Ford would be super geeked about it solely because it’s Tesla based haha.

I think Ford would also love SCP-1762 (aka ‘Where the dragons went’), too. I find 1762 to be a really sad story and I think others agree, and Ford would enjoy them. They’re cool (origami dragons fuck yeah) and cute, but also poignant. 

He’d be naturally curious about SCP-096 but obviously, due to its nature, would have to give up the ghost on that one. 

I think Stan would like SCP-1472 aka the Multiverse Strip Club. Naturally. He’d be at risk of wandering in but, respectfully, he ain’t going to Illinois. Not for all the strippers in the world. 

Like Researchers and other personnel, there are SO many SCP’s that I can’t even remember all of the ones I think would be most relevant/enjoyable for Ford so if you have something you think he’d like then please please hit me up because I’d love to talk about it with you!! 

Ultimately, I think Ford would do some great work and make friends with some of the more pleasant scientists, and he would really enjoy himself up until he stopped enjoying himself lol. I think he’d quickly realise how controlling the Foundation is and how they refuse to let anomalies be known to the public, rightly or wrongly, and Ford would refuse to play along with them. 

He’d be vocal about his disagreement with the treatment of some anomalies and with regard to the treatment of personnel, and he’d stand strongly against any corruption, which means he’d never see eye to eye with them. Many such cases, if you take the time to read the entries. 

So, they’d fire him or he’d walk out. You’d never know for sure because Ford would insist he left of his own accord and the Foundation would insist that they [REDACTED] so… It would be a mystery. 

And the Foundation would let him leave, by the way. Their knee jerk reaction would be to terminate him, of course, but he’d leave such an impression on some of the other scientists that they’d somehow manage to convince their higher-ups that Ford offered value that would be lost upon his death, so they should let him live and just try to monitor him instead. 

Ford, being Ford, would sniff out all the monitors every single time they tried to trace him and Stan (with his great knowledge of wire taps) would help him debug their house etc if they needed to. 

Eventually, the Foundation would say fuck it, this guy is annoying as fuck, and let Ford deal with his own containment specialisms while keeping a distant eye on him/Gravity Falls at large. 

….Can you tell this has been on my mind for a while? LMAO I’m so sorry this answer got sooooo out of hand but I love GF and SCP so much that I can’t help myself. I hope that as I get better at drawing I can make some crossover art for them because it would be too cute. Plus, like I said, I’m still considering writing this. I might make a reader one but also do a gen crossover because I think it would be a riot. 

If anyone else wants to make stuff on this then please do but pleeeeease tag me because I need to inject it straight into my veins. 

[silly-things6]

Stripper! Reader x Sylus

Afab reader, reader has female anatomy (basically mc but she’s a stripper)

I did not intend for this to come out on Christmas Eve, but happy holidays, everyone

⚠️MINORS DNI I WILL TELL YOUR MOM⚠️

Warnings: Y/N used, porn wit tiny bit of plot striping, pole dancing,buying your love, lap dances, man handling over clothes touching, mating press implied , tinny bit of a breeding kink , no protection (wrap it before you tap it), creampie, semi public sex,no after care, hitting and quitting it (kiiiinda?) lemme know if I missed anything )

I was originally going to write something for dragon sylus but this idea popped into my head,

I mostly do visual references and small stuff so my writing might be a little off but I hope you like it

you were a ‘dancer’ at a club called “The golden flamingo.” It was a nice club most oh the clients who showed up were rich businessmen who wanted a place to feel special or hold business meetings.you started working there a few months ago.the clients tipped well enough so you couldn’t really complain.tonight however your boss seemed to be especially stressed. Walking back and forth on the main floor making sure everything was set up perfectly. He wouldn’t explain to anyone why he was so stressed only that a special guest was coming in today. You got ready to go on the stage, wearing a lacy red bra with a pair of lace panties, along with some stalking and a garter to hold them up. Your heals click on the floor as you quickly make your way to the stage so you don’t miss your Que

you were doing your usual routine of dancing on the silver pole. You grip on the pole and spin to the other side, that’s when you see a pair of red eyes locked onto you. A tall man with white hair in a very nice suit with his jacket casually thrown over his shoulders one you didn’t recognize, was sipping on a glass of whiskey and staring right at you. you finished up your routine still not able to shake the feeling of the man’s eyes on you. You take your money and shove them in the band of your bottoms. You step of the stage just as another girl replaces you on the pole. almost as soon as you were on the main floor the man who was staring at you walks over at you and stands before you. He introduces himself a a business man named Sylus, The two of you talk for a few moments before he asks if he can take you to a privet room.you accept and you make it to one of the fancier VIP rooms. Sylus takes a seat on the plush Red sofa with his long arms resting along the back of it.

”so sweetie what’s your name?” He asked cocking his head to the side a bit. You tell him your stage name which causes the man to laugh.

“No no..your real name.” You were caught off guard by this, you’ve never had a client ask or really care about your name is.

“Y/N”

“That’s a pretty name, sweetie. So what kind of services do you usually do back here? It’s my first time getting these kinds of services at this location.”

“Hmm well how about a lap dance, sugar.”

Every time you talk to a client you put on this sickly sweet fake voice that makes you internally cringe at your self. Sylus Seems to catch the fact the way you talk but be he doesn’t say anything. You walk over to him, stand in between his already spread legs. You start to sway your hips to the beat of the loud club music, Sylus slyly smirks his eyes locking to your hips as you move them. You tun yourself around and move your ass onto his lap. You rest your back on his chest and your head on his shoulder as you start to move your ass up and down his lap. You could definitely feel him get hard under you, which is no big surprise. A mix of the friction and having a barely dressed woman on top of them would definitely do that. You almost blush as you feel just how big he is under his suit pants, oh fuck this guy is big big. A part of you wants to at least see the monster he had trapped under there.

Sylus Smirks as the dance continues eventually his hands drift to your hips.

“ we have a no touching rule.”

You say reaching down to move syluss Hands but he just chuckles.

“Oh darling.. considering this is my club I think I’ll do what I please.”

That’s when it hit you, you weren’t dancing for just anyone, you were dancing for the man that owned this club, and many others around town. In all honesty you had no way of knowing since you, and most of the staff who worked here, have never met the mysterious man who owned the club. For some reason you decided to test your luck with him, still nudging away his hands before you stand infront of him with your hands on your hips.

“You still have to fallow the rules like everyone else, ya know. Not gonna let you just wave your status around to get what you want.”

“Oh you have claws don’t you kitten? how about this”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bit of money and counts it.

“Three hundred to let my touch you”

He says holding the money out to you. You hesitate for a second but against your better judgement you take the money and put in in the waistband of your panties.

“Alright, just be careful with where you touch or I’ll scream for the bouncers.”

“Alright, come here sweetie.”

You take a few more steps to Sylus Standing between his spread legs. His hands immediately go to your hips and rub gently up and down them, his touch was soft at first but slowly becoming rough and almost demanding. He moves his hands up to your chests, his large hands cut your breasts perfectly.

“You should take this flimsy little bra off”

“That’s a different kind of service with a different kind o-“

“two hundred more dollars?”

“Okay deal.”

With that you reach back and unclasp your bra, letting it fall to the floor between you and Sylus. The cool air of the room made your nipples harden rather quickly. He lets out a whistle as he gets a full view of his breasts his hands immediately reach forward and grab onto the mounds on your chest, the palm of his hands a warm compared to room.

He fondles your breasts for a minute, seemingly memorized. Really? A man who owns plenty of clubs like this is so obsessed with playing with your boobs? What’s this guys deal? As you were lost with thought he leans forward and plants a kiss on your neck out of nowhere.

“Woah-! What are you-!”

He started to suck on the spot he just licked, leaving a dark red mark when he pulls his soft pink lips away.

“Sorry Darling, you just looked to good not to have a taste of. Is this okay?”

He asked his red eyes half lidded. Everything in your brain was telling you to tell him no..but it did feel good having him leave that mark on your skin, so against your better judgement you let out a shakey

“Yes”

With your permission Sylus goes back to sucking on your neck, sucking on your most sensitive parts. He eventually moves down and pops one of your already hardened nipples into his warm mouth. You don’t stop him as her roughly sucks and plays with your nipples, you also don’t stop him when his large hand moves in between your thighs, rubbing two fingers over your panties, right over your clit.

“S-sylus, shouldn’t be- can’t”

“Shhh sweetie, I can feel you want this. I can feel the wetness already soaking through your panties.”

He was right, you were soaked. You have been since you felt his hard cock against you during your lap dance. His fingers move quicker against you. He keeps changing from nipple to nipple pinching and licking them. After a few minutes, when your pussy starts to twitch wanting some sort of relies, he pulls away and looks up at your blushing face.

“Want more then just my fingers pretty girl?”

Again, you know you should just say no, you’re technically still working but before you can say anything week “yes” slips past your lips. He smirks and in and in an instant he grabs your hips and switched up positions. He puts you down on the red couch somewhat roughly and pulls your legs apart, watching your body shiver under him for a second before he takes off his belt and drops it on the ground. His suit pants and boxers are pulled down just enough to free his hard dick. Your Jaw drops as you see it, god it was BIG you weren’t totally sure if he was gonna fit.

“Hmm, like this sweetie? You’re gonna fit this thick cock inside of you, but I should probably prep you a little bit since I’m feeling nice.”

With that Sylus gets on his knees in front of you, nestling himself comfortably between your legs. He pushes up your thighs and then rests them on his shoulders. He reaches forward and without a warning he takes your panties in both of his hands and rips them in half.”

“Hey! Why did you do that?!?!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll buy you a new pair”

“But I don’t want a~ ohhhh!”

Before you could fully respond Sylus had his mouth on your clit and started to lightly suck on it. His fingers were also playing with your wet entrance. Your back arches up off the couch when his long fingers slide into you. His movements are slow at first, but he tilts his fingers so he was hitting your G-spot just right, the sucking on your clit gets more instance as well. Your hands reach down to pull at his hair.

“Ahha! Sylus! So much!”

This encouraging seems to make him go faster basically making out with your clit, his fingers plunging into you like his life depended on it.

“Sy- ahah! Gonna cum! Don’t stop! Ahh!”

Sylus thinks about stoping right there, he thought about letting you tear on the edge of your explosive orgasm for just a little bit he decides to be gracious and let you come on his tongue and fingers. Your entire body twitches as a rush comes through you and warm,sweet liquid coming out of your pussy and covering his fingers in your love juices. He pulls away staring down at your post Orgasam glow, he takes his fingers and puts them in his mouth sucking of your cum. Sylus swipes a finger in between your folds, collecting some more of your wetness, and then he brings his fingers to your own mouth and commands you to suck his slick covered finger so you could taste your.

“Mm now you’re ready for my cock, sweetie.”

He stands up and leans over you practically folding you in half.

“Sylus- please need it.”

He smirks at your eagerness and lines up his cock at your entrance. He rubs it a few times In between your folds and onto your sensitive clit.

“So ready for me, wet whore.”

Sylus slips his cock into your wanting hole. He grunts as he finally has you around him. You reach up and grab onto his muscular arms through his suit shirt. He stretched you out so deliciously, of course it hurt a little bit you’ve never taken anything as big.

“So warm and wet sweetie- ohh and tight. Gonna become addicted to your pussy Y/N!”

After a few moments of you adjusting to syluss dick his hips start to move He goes almost painstakingly slow at first, despite his rough demeanor, he’s doing his best not to fuck youwith no restraint, to let you get used to the feeling. You of course were already a mess, his dick was against every good spot inside of you at once some how.

“I’m going to start moving faster now, claim this pussy as mine forever sweetie!”

And he does just not moving his hips I don’t know Almost inhuman speed. Sylus grabs onto your thighs, somehow able to bend you even more and half a few pounds into you in a perfect rhythm.  the only sounds being heard in this VIP room was the beat from the music in the main club and the sound of your skin slapping together. you couldn’t articulate any proper words the only legible words able to come out of your mouth being his name and:

“good fuck fuck full! Ah SYLUS AHHH!”

“Fuck, oh I’m gonna fill up this pussy! Make you all mine my little slut, someone I can fuck and fill up whenever I want, but first I need you to come with my cock, I need it! Agh! Cum for me!”

you didn’t try to hold back slightly but a mix of his words and where was hitting somehow pushed you over the edge, even though you just came not too long ago. As your orgasm starts to hit you, Sylus grabs onto the bottom of your ass and pulls you up slightly, so your hips were raised above the couch. You scream out his name during the climax over and over again. That’s what pushes him over the edge. Syluss hips start to stutter a little bit.

 “That’s it! Gonna fill up this lovely pussy!”

Oh and he dose. He just sent them what time before warm ropes of his come shoots out of his cock deep inside of you, he shallowly thrust a few more times making sure your full to the brim before he pulls out. He lets your bottom, half rest onto the soft couch then pulls out. He watches his white seed drip out of your warn out hole. Seeing this sylus sighs and takes two of his fingers and scoops up some of your cum and pushes his cum back into you.

“Can’t be waisting thathmm?”

you lay there half on the couch your bottom half dropped to the floor as Sylus gets up and reequip his pants and belt.

“Mm that was great. I’ll definitely be coming back for more, or maybe I’ll call you over to my place for a special show? I do owe you a new pair of panties don’t I, sweetie?”

He takes out about $200 and sets it next to your head.

“ and I’ll make sure to tell your boss that you’re going home for the night, see you next time, sweetie.”

And with that he was gone, and you were left with the hope that his words were true and that you would be seeing him again, sooner rather than later.

___________________________________________

[the-blind-assassin-12]

The Yule Lodge - Part One

A PEDROSTORIES SECRET SANTA GIFT FIC

A/N: As always, a big thank you to the moderators of @pedrostories for organizing this event! It's always a lot of fun and definitely helps put me in the holiday spirit every year. I can't wait to see what others have created for this event! This story kind of completely ran away from me, so as you can see, this is only the beginning. I hope my fic recipient doesn't mind, but it's looking like a three part story, which I'm aiming to get the rest of posted within the next few days. Now, if you'll all suspend disbelief with me, there's a very exclusive, high-end Bed & Breakfast I'd like you all to visit...

Gift Tag: SURPRISE @covetyou ! I was your Secret Santa for the Pedrostories gift swap! You gave me so many great prompts and ideas to run with, but the ones that stuck out most to me were "Magic is real" and "chaotic meet cute". Out of the characters that you listed, Ezra and Dieter seemed like likely candidates, and that's where my top secret anonymous ask where I made you choose emojis with no context came into play. You (blindly) choose Dieter, and I am so glad that you did because I have been having a blast writing this for you and I truly hope that you enjoy it! Wishing you a very Merry Christmas, the happiest of holiday seasons and only the best in the New Year, lovely!!

Warnings: brief mention of infidelity (not Dieter or Reader!) cannabis consumption, I think that's it for now ;)

Word Count: 5,416

Summary: Last minute holiday travel plans sure can be chaotic sometimes. In some cases, it can even seem as though there is some kind of supernatural intervention going on. But that's crazy... Right?

He wasn’t supposed to be here. 

Wherever the fuck here is. 

As the cab pulled up to its destination, Dieter rolled his forehead against the rear passenger side window to get a better view of the place, ignoring the way that the chill from the glass sunk into his skin. His eyes narrowed, then blinked wide as he took in the Dickensian looking Bed and Breakfast. 

Well it’s sure as shit not the Savoy. 

That was where he was supposed to be staying. That was where he had asked Cori, his assistant, to book him a suite from the 23rd to the 26th. That was where he had been planning to spend his Christmas, sprawled in a king sized bed wearing baggy pajama pants, devouring snowflake shaped THC infused sugar cookies, watching old movies and ordering room service until the holiday was good and over. Just like he’d done almost every year for the previous two decades. 

And to her credit, Cori had booked him that suite. She’d done it months ago, when she made the travel arrangements for the press tour that had brought him to London in the first place. He was there to promote Getaway Man - the must see action-thriller that was set to open worldwide on Christmas Day, and that was already receiving Oscar buzz - with two of his co-stars. They had both gone straight to the airport following the final round of interviews, though, anxious and eager to get back home in time for holiday celebrations with their families. But Dieter had planned to do just the opposite from the get go, so all he had to do was check out of one hotel, travel a few blocks, and check into another one. Cori had sent him receipts along with his itinerary, and his stay at the Savoy had been on both of them. 

It wasn’t a booking issue that caused the last minute switcharoo. Or, rather, it wasn’t an issue with the room that Dieter had booked. It actually had to do with another guest’s reservation - his ex-wife’s. Or, rather (again), it had to do with a reservation made by Anika’s new husband, fellow actor Mark Atlas. 

And people say my last name is bullshit. 

Anyway, apparently Mark found out that Dieter was going to be staying at the Savoy while he and Anika were also going to be there, and promptly threw a Hollywood sized hissy fit about the “optics” of the three of them spending Christmas under the same roof. Something about “not wanting to put Anika through the ordeal of being around Dieter.” As though he was the one who had shocked her by asking for the divorce. 

As though I was the one who cheated. 

It was far more likely that Map Man was worried about his sweet, innocent wife “accidentally” bumping into Dieter under the mistletoe in the middle of the night, than he was about putting her through anything. 

And for the record, even if she had tumbled into Dieter’s lap wearing nothing but a couple of strategically placed Christmas ribbons, he wouldn’t have done a damn thing about it. He wasn’t like Mark. He didn’t need - or want - to fuck someone else’s wife. 

No. This had nothing to do with Atlas looking out for Anika, and Dieter knew it. This was about Hollywood’s new favorite golden boy snapping his fingers and getting what he wanted at Dieter’s expense. Dieter’s body of work since the Cliff Beasts fiasco may have been award worthy, his performances lauded by critics and fans alike. But Mark Atlas had just signed on to a six movie deal in a superhero franchise that already had comic cons selling out despite the fact that he hadn’t been announced to the panel yet. The first film in the series hadn’t even been released but McDonald’s already had the fucking action figures in their goddamn happy meals. 

In short, Atlas was the bigger, shinier, more family friendly name at the moment. And in show business, the moment was all that mattered. 

So even though Dieter had checked into his room at the Savoy earlier that day without issue, and despite the fact that he’d already changed into his baggiest pair of pajama pants and shaggy green robe, the call from the front desk still came. It wasn’t a demand that he leave. It wasn’t even really a suggestion. The manager had simply stated that another guest expressed concern over the “possibility of a negative encounter with Dieter”, and asked if he would like to cancel his stay for a full refund, plus a complimentary three night stay at a time of his choosing. 

Good to know I’m still shiny enough that they didn’t want to piss me off entirely. 

He didn’t need to bother asking the manager which guest had expressed that particular concern. There was only one person Dieter could think of who both held that kind of sway, and disliked him enough to purposely derail his holiday. He knew it was Mark. 

Even though I have no idea why that fucker hates me so damn much. He fucking won. 

Though the thought of spitefully refusing to leave just to screw with Atlas was tempting, Dieter just wasn’t in the mood for a big dramatic debacle. And even though it hurt to know that Anika was seemingly fine with Mark’s treatment of him, he didn’t want to give in and invite the negative encounter that Mark was setting him up for. 

Instead, he told the manager that he’d check out as soon as he found a new hotel, and took the man up on the offer for a future stay. He then promptly texted Cori to fill her in on everything and crossed his fingers in hopes that she had some secret backup options up her sleeve. The fact that it was mere hours away from Christmas Eve in one of the world’s busiest cities made it a tall order, and he was aware of that. But Cori had proven time and time again that tall orders were her specialty, so Dieter was cautiously hopeful. 

When his phone rang in his hand a few minutes later, he ceased his pacing to answer it. 

“Cori?” He plopped down on the edge of the bed as he spoke, hardly holding back a groan at how goddamn comfortable the mattress was. Can’t believe I don’t even get to sleep on it. “Please tell me you found something else.” He flopped all the way back, sinking into the down-filled duvet. Oh, fuck you, Mark. “I really don’t want to have to come back to-“ 

“Actually,” an unfamiliar female voice cut him off. “My name is Ivy, Mr. Bravo. I work for Cori. She asked me to handle finding you a new place to stay since she flew home yesterday to be at her son’s-“ 

“School holiday show.” Dieter mumbled, covering his eyes and scrubbing his hand back over his forehead and into his hair. Fuck, I knew that. “Yeah, that’s right, she told me.” 

It had come up a few times as the press tour was winding down, the woman clearly looking forward to being able to be there for her kid’s performance. Though that kind of life was about as far from his own as he could imagine, Dieter admired the way that Cori prioritized being present for her kids as much as possible. He knew that being with her family made her happy, so he was glad that that’s where she was. But wait…

“Hang on.” Dieter propped himself up on one elbow. “I didn’t know Cori had anyone working for her.” She’d been his assistant for over ten years, and he never once heard her mention the name Ivy. Not that she wouldn’t need help. I’m not always the easiest. 

She let out a silver-bell laugh, the sound high and tingling. “Well that’s because I’m good at what I do, and so is Cori. Usually I get to stay behind the scenes, but this was a-” 

“A clusterfuck?” Dieter supplied, slumping back down again. 

“I was going to say a special case.” She laughed again. “Trust me, I’ve seen fuckier clusters.” 

He wasn’t sure if that was supposed to make him feel better or not, nor was he sure if it actually did. Switching the phone to speaker and laying it on his chest, he crossed both arms over his eyes. “Does that mean you have a backup place for me?” He crossed his fingers as he waited for her response. 

“It does, Mr. Bravo, I-” 

“You can just call me Dieter, Ivy. Actually, please just call me Dieter. And-” Her words clicked then, and he bolted up to both elbows, sending his phone sliding down to his stomach. “Wait, did you say yes?”

“I did,” Ivy confirmed. Fuck yeah! “But it’s a little unconventional.” 

Dieter sat all the way up, reaching for his phone before it could fall between his legs and down to the floor. Lifting it level with his mouth, he cocked his head to the side. “What does that mean?”

Ivy cleared her throat. “It’s not a hotel, per say.” Okay… “More like a high end, exclusive bed and breakfast. And technically it’s just outside the city.” 

Dieter grimaced, clunking the edge of his phone to his forehead. A bed and breakfast? Like… With other people? And shared common rooms and… He considered his other option - flying back to L.A. and going home to his empty house - and the grimace deepened. “How exclusive is exclusive?” 

“Pretty private. The place is an old Victorian mansion. It accommodates guests in four suites, but I was told that only one other room is booked at the moment.” 

He sighed, bringing his phone back down to his lips. I guess this is the best I can hope for. “Okay.” 

“Okay?” Ivy questioned. “Does that mean I should go ahead and call them?” 

Dieter dropped his phone into the fluffy bedding beside him. “Yes. Please.” He stood, rubbing at one eye. “And can you also call me a car? I don’t-” 

“Of course,” she answered. “Consider it done.” 

“Great.” It was far from great, but it would have to do. “I really appreciate it, Ivy.” That part was 100% true. 

“My pleasure! I’ll go ahead and communicate with the Savoy staff, too, that way everyone is on the same page. Oh, and I’ll update Cori, of course.” 

“Perfect.” Again, it wasn’t. Perfect was the thread count of the sheets he was leaving behind. Perfect was the five-star service he wouldn’t be receiving. Perfect was the way the champagne chiller always had ice in it and the towels were always warm and fluffy. But it beats the shit out of going home. “Thank you.” 

“Of course. Hopefully you won’t need me again, so I’ll wish you a Merry Christmas now.” 

“Um, yeah.” Dieter sniffed. “Yeah, Merry Christmas. I’ll uh…” He raised his arms and then dropped them to his sides. “I’ll try not to offend the other guest with my presence so I won’t have to bother you again.” 

“Never a bother, Dieter. I’m always happy to help when you need it.” 

With that, she ended the call, and Dieter was left to gather his things and wait for the car to come pick him up and bring him to the secret, backup, break-in-case-of-clusterfuck location that Ivy had procured for him. 

Looking up at the place once he arrived and got out of the car, Dieter really wished he’d asked her a few more questions before telling her to make the call. 

Snowflakes fell slowly through the air as he stood there in his pajama pants with his thick, plush brown fleece pulled over his robe and his bag slung over his shoulder, staring at the sign affixed to the side of the building. “The Yule Lodge”, he read aloud, rolling his eyes at the stylized flame surrounding the name of the B&B, an obvious play on words. “Shit, that’s cheesy.” 

The building itself looked as though it only existed at Christmastime - the cornices catching the fresh snow in picture perfect banks, the candles illuminating the windows like something off a holiday card, garlands of greenery wrapped around the porch railing and draped over the doorway. So if any place was going to have a name that stunk of cheddar, he figured this was the one. I mean… He tilted his head to take the sight in. It’s festive as fuck, that’s for sure. 

Not that that part mattered. He still planned to spend the next few days sprawled out like a starfish in bed, waiting out the holiday. Even if it means doing it here. 

He turned to wave a thanks to the driver who had dropped him off, only to find that the car was gone. Huh? That’s weird, I didn’t hear the tires… He shrugged. Whatever. He’d already had one of the snowflake cookies before the whole Mark Atlas shitstorm started, so he chalked missing the car driving away up to that kicking in and giving him tunnel vision for the building’s campy signage. 

With a sigh that turned into a visible white puff in the chilly air, Dieter climbed the two small steps and reached for the door handle. Alright. Here we go. Combing one hand through his hair, he shook the snow from his curls, stepped inside, and looked around. Oh, holy shit. 

The B&B’s cheery exterior had nothing on the inside. 

Wreaths, garlands, and sprigs of greenery adorned walls, windows, railings and the carved, wooden mantel of a roaring fireplace that spread a warm, golden glow throughout the whole space. Deep red velvet ribbons added lush pops of color, as did the gilded candlesticks atop the mantel. A bowl of clove-studded oranges sat as the centerpiece of the coffee table in front of the fire, and the smell of spice and citrus wafted through the air to fully warm his senses. 

To top it all off, a towering spruce tree stood in the corner of the room, lit by dozens of lights that were made to look like candles. Bows and baubles dressed the evergreen’s branches to elegant but cozy perfection. In a way, it was difficult to imagine what the room would look like - or feel like - without all the holiday decorations. 

He may have been trying to avoid acknowledging Christmas as much as possible, but Dieter couldn’t help but admit that the staff there had outdone themselves. It was fucking beautiful. If you’re into that kinda thing.

“Welcome to the Yule Lodge, Mr. Bravo.” 

Suddenly, a voice greeted him from somewhere to his left, making him jump and turn towards the sound. What? Who said tha- Oh. He’d been too distracted by the elaborate decorations to realize that he’d walked straight past the front desk and the smiling woman standing behind it. Right. I need to check in. 

Clearing his throat, he crossed the room to stand in front of the desk. “Um, thanks-” He glanced down at the golden nameplate that was pinned to the woman’s green cardigan. “-Laurel.” He adjusted the strap of his bag on his shoulder and leaned on the counter. “I guess you spoke with Ivy?” 

Laurel nodded, her curls bouncing. “I did. We’ve got you all set in room two until the 26th.” 

“Great.” He flashed her a smile. “Do you need a credit card now, or do I just pay when I check out, or-” 

Laurel’s curls swung as she shook her head. “No need for that right now, Mr. Bravo.”

At check out, then. “Okay.” He tapped the countertop with his fingertips. “In that case, can I get the room key? I’m about ready to-”

“Of course!” Laurel spun around to grab a key from one of four hooks, one of which was empty. Guess that means the other guest is already checked in. She spun back, key in hand, but stopped short of passing it to Dieter. “I just need to go over a few things with you about the Lodge first.” 

Dieter felt his shoulders slump. I’m being punished. I just want to get stoned and sleep and I’m being fucking punished. “Uh…Okay.” He sighed. “What, um… What do I need to know?”

Laurel launched into a run down of the Yule Lodge’s rules and amenities. Fully stocked kitchen and bar, chef-prepared meals for breakfast and dinner, fireplaces in the parlor, library and… something to do with the candles in the windows? She was saying something about a small holly wreath while holding it up with his key when Dieter’s attention was stolen completely by the creak of the stairs just visible beyond the parlor, and the stunning woman who was descending them - you. 

Huh. He blinked, watching the way your hand slid down the railing as you took the last few steps. Maybe it won’t be all bad, staying here. You looked up then, making quick, unintentional eye contact, and Dieter felt himself grin at the way your eyes widened when they met his, your mouth falling open in slight shock. Your tongue darted out to lick at your lips, and then you quickly slipped into another room. The library, maybe? 

But just when he had convinced himself to go throw his stuff upstairs and then come back down to see if you were still there - and maybe ask if you wanted to have a drink with him - he saw you slip back up the stairs with a book in hand, and his grin fell into a frown. Oh, well. Guess I’ll stick to the plan. 

By then, thankfully, Laurel was finished with her spiel, and she finally handed over the key, along with the small holly wreath. “Enjoy your stay, Mr. Bravo. I hope it’s exactly what you need it to be.” 

I have no idea what that means but… “Thanks.” He smiled, nodding as he took the key from her. “Have a good night, Laurel.” 

With that, he headed upstairs to his room, where he promptly tossed the key and the little wreath onto the dresser, shucked his coat off, and collapsed into the bed with a groan. It wasn’t the plush, pillowy cloud bed he was supposed to be sleeping in, but for the next few days it would do just fine. And who knows? Your face popped into his head. Maybe I won’t spend the whole time holed up in here after all.

– – – 

You weren’t supposed to be here. 

And I’m not even sure I understand why or how I am but… 

You rolled over in the big, soft bed and gazed out the window as flurries fell outside. The picturesque grounds were covered in a thin white blanket of fresh snow, and the glow from the lamppost along with the flicker of the candle on the windowsill threw golden halos of light against the darkness in a way that warmed you through. 

I’m really glad that I am. 

Traveling solo was somewhat out of character for you. Doing it at Christmas - and missing your family’s annual holiday party - made that even more true. Add in the last minute nature of the trip, and it was no wonder that your parents and siblings (and probably your nosey aunt and cousins, too) were having a hard time accepting your decision to spend Christmas abroad by yourself. It simply wasn’t like you. 

Which was, of course, the whole point. You wanted a change, had been looking for a way to shake things up. It wasn’t that you were unhappy with anything in your life. You had a job that you enjoyed and that paid you well, owned a house that you had turned into a home, and had a close group of friends who you knew would be there for you no matter what. But what you wanted, or maybe what you needed, was a little adventure. A measured dose of the unknown. A play from out of left field. 

Because even though you were happy with the things that you had, there was a part of you that felt like you only had most of those things because you followed some predetermined script for your life. Graduate from a good school, get a respectable job, buy and maintain a home… It was all good stuff, and you took none of it for granted. But sometimes it felt a little too similar to the board game version of Life, spinning the wheel and plopping your little plastic car along the path, collecting socially acceptable experiences along the way. 

Even the last few vacations you took weren’t really vacations. You’d had to travel for three separate destination weddings in the last year and a half. And then there was the trip your grandma surprised the whole family with, which was extremely nice, but was also extremely mandatory. So not only did you not get to choose the when or where of your last four trips, you didn’t have much say in the what to do part, either. 

You deserved to do something unexpected and just for you. So when you got the unexpected news that you’d won an all expense paid trip to London to spend Christmas in a quaint, Victorian-style B&B, you chose to act on it. 

I don’t even remember entering the contest, but… You glanced around the room and ran your hands over the quilted comforter. But I’m here. It’s real. So I must have. 

You thought back to the voicemail you’d received a few weeks prior, and how you almost deleted it without calling back to follow up. It seemed like a scam. And even if it wasn’t, you were sure that there was no way it could actually be free. You figured it had to do with a timeshare or some marketing promo where you could win a free trip after spending a crazy amount of money on rental cars or luggage. But a curious little voice from the back of your brain piped up and told you to at least Google the phone number first. 

And when you did that, and it didn’t link you to numerous Reddit posts about scam callers or direct you to a clearly phony website, but instead brought you to a completely legitimate page hosted by the site where you had booked your most recent flight for your friend’s wedding in Puerto Vallarta, displaying your name and stating that all you had to do was call to claim your prize, you allowed yourself to possibly entertain the notion that maybe it wasn’t too good to be true. 

You were still cautiously skeptical when you pressed call and waited while the phone rang, still expecting there to be a catch somewhere. You also expected the number you dialed would be an automated one, and that you would just be pressing buttons when prompted to complete the process. So it was a surprise to you when a very human voice greeted you after the second ring. 

“Thank you for calling Spirit Travel!” The woman on the other end spoke in a bright, cheerful tone as she introduced herself and then said your name, making sure she was speaking with the correct person. You were so taken aback by the fact that you were wrong about it being a recording that you completely missed her name, but you caught back up in time to confirm that you were in fact you. 

“I, um… I’m a little confused, to be honest,” you immediately confessed, shrugging as though she could see the lift of your shoulders through the phone. Shaking your head, you went on. “I don’t think I entered any contests, and I definitely don’t think I’ve ever heard of the-” You double checked the name of the place that the website had listed as your prize. “The Yule Lodge? Is it like a Christmas themed hotel or something?” 

The woman let out a small, jingling laugh. “You could say that. Christmastime is when the Lodge is at its best, that’s for sure.” That didn’t quite answer your question, but she continued. “And it’s a very small, boutique-y little place. Doesn’t draw a ton of tourist attention, so I’m not surprised that you haven’t heard of it. But I assure you it is absolutely lovely.” 

“Oh…kay.” You stared at your laptop screen, narrowing your eyes suspiciously at the scrolling congratulations banner. “I still don’t remember entering a contest, though.” 

“Oh, that part!” You heard what sounded like keystrokes from her end of the call, and figured that she was pulling up some information on a computer. “Yup, mmhmm. It’s right here.” Before you could ask her what was right where, she filled you in. “I’m emailing a screenshot of it to you right now so you can see it, too, but when you booked your trip to Mexico in September, you checked a box entering you in Spirit Travel sponsored giveaways. It’s all perfectly legitimate, I promise!” 

A few seconds later you received her email, opening it and seeing for yourself that you had in fact checked that box. Hm. Must’ve been a mistake. I usually opt out of that crap. You shrugged. But maybe I’ll stop doing that now. Finally sufficiently happy with the proof that the trip was real and that it wasn’t a hoax, you cleared your throat. “Okay, so it’s… It’s really free? Airfare, the hotel, all of it?” 

“Well, just to be clear, the Yule Lodge isn’t a hotel, per say. More like a very exclusive, high end bed and breakfast.” 

Sure. Semantics, whatever. “Okay, fine. Airfare, the B&B? That’s all free?” 

“Yup! We’ll even arrange a car to pick you up from the airport and drive you to the Lodge. All you have to do is say yes and then show up for your flight.” She paused. “So is that a yes?” 

You chewed your bottom lip, going back and forth in a span of a few seconds. What will everyone think when I’m not there on Christmas? What will my friends say when I tell them? They’ll probably think I’m nuts or something. But then that same voice that told you to call about the trip spoke up again. Who cares? It asked. Do it for yourself. And that was all it took to answer. 

“It’s a yes,” you said, excitement making you sound a little giddy. I can’t believe it, but… “Yeah, I’m in.” 

She went over a few more details with you regarding dates - December 23rd to the 26th - and flight times, and then let you know that if you had any more questions you could always call her back and she’d happily answer them. 

“Thank you, really, this is… I really needed this, so thanks-” You realized you never got her name after missing it initially. “I’m so sorry, what was your name again?” 

“Oh, no need to apologize,” she assured you. “I get it, you were excited. Happens all the time.” She chuckled. “But my name is Ivy.” 

“Well, thank you, Ivy. You’re pretty much my favorite person right now.” 

She laughed again. “I’ll take it! Listen, like I said, you can call me if you have any other questions about the trip. But otherwise, in case we don’t talk again, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas.” 

“You, too! I hope you get a surprise this good in your stocking this year.” 

“Oh,” she said in a wistful way that actually didn’t sound like a customer service put-on, “For me, making other people’s holidays special is the real gift.” 

With that, she signed off, and you were left with the task of telling everyone you knew that you were pitching them all a holiday curveball. 

They’d responded similarly to how you thought they would. But by the time you had checked in to the Yule Lodge, met Laurel, the exceptionally festive and cheerful hostess who had given you the quirkiest run-down on a hotel you’d ever gotten (including a somewhat campy but cute enough folklore-inspired instruction to place the small holly wreath she’d given you at check in around your door knob to “keep out unwanted spirits” on Christmas Eve) and settled into your room, it was far too late to worry about all of that. 

All you were concerned with for the next few days was which fireplace you’d be spending the most amount of time reading near, whether or not you felt like strolling the snow covered grounds in the morning, and possibly chatting with the other guest that Laurel had mentioned would be checking in shortly after you’d arrived. Or maybe not. Who knows, maybe they’ll want to be left alone. Either way, you were looking forward to a few days of answering to no one but yourself. And if it came with a heaping helping of authentic Christmas cheer? Even better. 

Deciding not to wait until morning to venture downstairs and into the library to choose your first of hopefully many books for the duration, you popped up from your bed and headed for the door, smiling to yourself as you made sure that the holly wreath was securely around the knob. Don’t want any bad spirits messing around in my room. About halfway down the stairs, you heard voices and realized that Laurel was giving her welcome speech to the other guest. Oh, guess they’re here. You peeked through the hall and into the parlor, hoping to catch a glimpse of the person you’d be sharing the common areas of the Lodge with. But as was becoming a theme for this trip and everything connected to it, you were floored to find Academy Award winning actor Dieter Bravo looking right at you. 

Holy shit. You felt your eyes go about as round as the baubles hanging from the giant spruce tree, your mouth dropping open as your heart thundered in your chest. Holy shit, holy shit that’s Dieter Bravo. Oh my god. No, it’s not. It can’t be, right? You blinked and he was still there and still definitely Dieter Bravo and - wait is he..? Yup. He was grinning at you. Oh, fuck. 

You scurried down the last few stairs and disappeared into the library, repeating those two words over in your head in a series of tones ranging from disbelief and shock to disbelief and excitement, with a twinge of nerves because Oh, fuck, what am I supposed to say to Dieter Bravo? Your face flushed making you warmer than the fireplace on the other side of the room. There was plenty that you’d thought about saying to him, your imagination running a little wild at times when you saw interviews or red carpet photos of him, or when you saw his performances on screen and he made you fall in love with his characters time and time again. But all of those thoughts had occurred while you were under the realistic assumption that you would never actually get to say any of it to him. 

But now he was sleeping just down the hall from you. 

Blindly grabbing the first book your fingers found, you scurried back up the stairs and into the sanctuary of your room before you ran the risk of running into him on the way. Choosing a book was a fine enough thing not to put off until morning. Figuring out what to say to a celebrity that you had an innocent but huge crush on was something that definitely required you to sleep on it. Flopping back into your bed a little breathlessly, you had to laugh at the absurdity of it all. 

I did say I needed an adventure. 

Glancing down to see what book you’d grabbed, you read the title and laughed again. A Christmas Carol. Of course. What else would it be in this place? 

It took a while, but eventually you were able to calm your brain - and heartbeat - enough to sink into the story and let thoughts about how on earth you were going to interact with Dieter slide to the backburner, and eventually, you drifted off to sleep.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Laurel was making one last phone call before closing up and heading home for the evening. 

“Ivy?” She tapped her fingernails on the desk and grinned. “They’re both here. Just where they need to be this Christmas.” 

“Good,” the other woman said. “Now the rest is up to them.” 

– – – 

Dieter tags: @something-tofightfor @littlemisspascal @tentacruels @alraedesigns @practicalghost

@trickstersp8 @imtryingmybeskar @mswarriorbabe80 @theredwritingwitch @silverstarsandsuns

@pedro-pedrito-pascalito @jedi-in-crocs @chiyo13 @myloveistoolittle @noisynightmarepoetry

@haylzcyon @jessthebaker @pedrostories @covetyou

[hmhas-00]

Ch. 8

Hit Me Hard & Soft

A/N- Hi lovelies! Plz don’t forget to like & rb. It means the world to me! :)

Remy’s POV

“Look at you. You don’t even respect your fucking self, man.” Billie mumbled, barely making any sense. Her eyes looked angry, bothered, annoyed. It wasn’t her.

“Let’s go home, you’re drunk as fuck. You don’t mean that.”

She swayed to the bass in place, slightly nodding her head to the beat. I didn’t even notice how much time had passed, standing there awkwardly to the side of the dance floor. Finneas came up to us. He had probably seen her yank her arm away and wondered what was going on.

“Let’s head out. She’s had too much.” I pointed towards the exit.

He took one look at her and nodded, calling the car out to the front.

“No! Fuck it, I do mean it. You’re too fucking scared to take a risk, so you keep sitting in your fucking office hoping one day you’ll do more than shred paper.”

That stung. I ignored her as Finneas and Claudia began to walk her outside. I wasn’t much of a help since I was struggling on my feet too.

“When I get back, you’ll be right where I left you. You’re not gonna go anywhere working for a fucking pig like him.”

“Is that what you think, Billie? What else?” I knew it wasn’t a good idea to argue back, but I didn’t care what state of mind she was in. I couldn’t believe she was saying any of this to me.

“Let’s just get in the car, Rem. She’s too fucked up, she doesn’t know what-“ Claudia shook her head.

“No! I’m not! And I’d like to- I want you to know I’m so serious. You let everyone treat you like shit! Your fucking ex, your boss, your parents!” She pointed.

“Shut up, Billie! Stop talking!” I put her seatbelt on her, struggling to put the buckle in the hole the first few times as Finneas drove off.

“Who took care of you when that motherfucker left you for another bitch?! Who lived with you and held you all day and night, and fed you, and made you whole again?” She shouted, scrambling her words, closing her eyes for emphasis.

“You want to throw that in my face now?” I was pissed. How dare she bring that up. There was no need to be that petty. I didn’t understand what brought this on her. She had never said anything so mean before. I knew it was the alcohol talking, but this hurt deep.

“And now! You’re just gonna leave me!” She pointed her finger.

“Leave you? Like you said, I’m not going anywhere! You’re the one leaving me!”

“She doesn’t mean any of this Rem, just ignore her.” Finneas reassured me, trying to deescalate the situation.

“No, say how you really feel, Billie!” I looked at her, squinting.

“You don’t believe in your fucking self! You beg me to believe in you, when you won’t even give yourself a fucking chance!” Her eyes closed as she tried to be louder.

“Oh, is that why you boss me around and tell me what to do with my life? Because you think I could do so much better being your fucking groupie?” I snapped back.

“You might as well be my fucking groupie! Better than being assistant TO the groupie!”

“You wish! So I could clap for you and gas you up every night? Like everyone else does?” I shouted back.

“Well, it’d be nice to have you be there for me once in a while, instead of putting work first like you always do!” Billie crossed her arms.

“You KNOW I can’t just do that!”

“Yeah, okay, whatever. You just wanna stay there and be a martyr so you can have something to complain about!”

“OH! So now I bitch about everything! I thought I kept things to myself and didn’t accept people’s help? Which one is it, Billie?”

“Whatever dude, you wanna be a sexy little office receptionist, and bend over for some bald fuck, and write some bullshit on a magazine, when you know you want to do more with your life.” She waved her hand around, her eyeliner running a little on the corner of her eyes.

“No, that’s your girlfriend Rachel! Weren’t you the one trying to suck her dick so she’d let me hop on a damn column?”

“I was trying to help you, dumbass!”

“I was trying to hang out with my best fucking friend before she travels the world for, like, a year!”

“Right! That’s why you wanted to get fucking wasted tonight! So you wouldn’t even remember our last night together.” Billie got teary eyed, blinking away her anger. “I didn’t even want to drink tonight!”

“No one forced you! You got all weird when that guy talked to me, and you shoved 2 shots consecutively up your ass!”

Claudia looked at Finneas. They shared a look and I wondered what that was about. He turned the corner toward my apartment and turned on his hazard lights.

“No one is concerned with who you wanna make out with, Remy!” She mumbled.

“Except you, because you act like my damn mother anytime anyone even looks at me!” I pointed at her. She stared at my finger, looking nauseous.

“Maybe if you had better judgment I wouldn’t have to fucking-“

“Whatever bro! You don’t get to tell me what to do with my life! And when you get back, you’ll see how fucking wrong you are! And how shitty of a fucking friend-“

“Shitty friend?? Because I want better for you?!” She leaned forward.

“You wouldn’t even know what being wrong feels like! Everyone always tells Billie Eilish yes!” I said, immediately feeling terrible. Immediately feeling like I crossed a line. But she had crossed multiple already.

Her face turned a shade of hurt I hadn’t seen before.

“No, fuck that! Fuck you, Remy!” She yelled.

“Fuck you, too!” I open the door and slam it, walking out before the car was even in park. Finneas fully stopped the car and ran out. He walked me to the door as I keyed in the code.

“I wanna make sure you get inside safely.” He held the door open for me when it unlocked. “God, I’m sorry, that was a lot.”

I held back tears and rubbed my arms, feeling the midnight breeze give me goosebumps before quickly walking in.

“She’s definitely not in the right mindset and I really don’t think she meant to be that-“

“Honest?” I asked, tears starting to stream down my face. “I think she did.” I called the elevator, pressing the button 18 times.

“Remy, she loves you. More than you think. You’re everything to- She just-“

“It doesn’t matter, Finneas. That fucking hurt. Drunk or not.“ I stepped into the elevator as the door slid open.

“Please, Rem. Listen, I know she was pushing it. I’m not gonna make excuses-“ He was visibly frustrated, pushing his hair back as he spoke. “And trust me, she’s going to feel like such a dick tomorrow-“

“I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it anymore from-“

The elevator door began to slide, when he stuck his hand in the way to stop it from closing. “Promise me you’ll see her tomorrow before she leaves for tour.” He looked serious, as if it would change anything. As if seeing her tomorrow would make it hurt any less.

I didn’t say anything. I just leaned back on the elevator wall, crossing my arms.

“Please. Think about it… I’m sorry, Remy. Have a good night.” He nodded, removing his hand and letting the door shut. My heart dropped as the elevator rose to the 5th floor.

In my apartment, I got ready for bed and threw myself into the pillows. My head spun and throbbed as the effects of alcohol slowly left my body. I knew everything would hurt tomorrow morning. I stared at my ceiling, hoping to fall asleep. I thought about Billie’s face when she said those things. When she told me I’d stay exactly where she left me. How can I give up all the hard work I’ve put in. I wonder if she was ever proud of me. I wonder if she knows how much I care about what she thinks of me. I thought about her face when I practically told her she doesn’t know what no means. I thought about her face when she told me “fuck you”. I wonder if tomorrow she’ll be hurting about all this as much as I am right now. We’d never spoken to each other like this before. It felt like she wanted to say more than she actually did…

Eventually my eyelids became heavy, and I drifted into a deep, deep sleep.

******

My eyelids slowly blinked open, staring at my wall. I groaned, stretching and turning on my other side. The light from my window was so uncalled for, causing me to squint and curl up into a ball. My head pounded, reminding me of the events last night.

“Oh shit.” I gasped, grabbing my phone faster than my brain could register. It was 1:02pm and a missed call from Billie displayed on my screen. I put my passcode in, messing up twice before finally being able to call back. The phone rang for a while. I sat up in bed, impatiently. No answer. I had overslept and didn’t have a chance to say good bye before she left on the tour bus. She was probably so angry at me. I remembered how much she hurt me last night, the words all freshly dancing around in my mind. I didn’t know what to make of it, but clearly she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I figured if she did, she’d call back.

I threw my phone at the foot of the bed and pulled the covers over my head, wishing away the awful headache. I closed my eyes and tried my best to fall back asleep so I didn’t have to think. Obviously, that didn’t work out. My brain wanted to walk me through the least blurry bits of our fight instead.

I threw the covers off and got up, going straight for the medicine cabinet and taking some Advil, dry. I rotted into the couch for the rest of the day, watching the tv show I wasn’t allowed to watch without her. I don’t know if I did it out of spite or to feel close to her. I’m sure she’ll be watching it without me anyway.

Each time I checked my phone for any calls or texts, my stomach did this weird flip thing. I waited all day to receive anything from her to no avail.

Around 8pm, I realize I haven’t had a bite to eat. As I put some almond butter toast on a plate, my phone dinged. I pulled it out of my pocket to see Billie had posted on instagram. An update to her fans letting them know she was on the road, and excited to see them in Quebec, Canada.

I made it a point to like the insta story post, so she knows that I know she’s ignoring me. This is bullshit, I thought. How petty, I thought, the irony going straight over my head.

[r7leee]

beggars can be choosers

merry christmas ig @liseytopia (jk love you babe)

pairing: rodrick heffley x fem!reader

summary: your boyfriend’s parents are out, yet again, for the weekend. rodrick’s idea of fun is sneaking into a concert, but that’s easier said than done

warnings: cursing, greg being a walking punching bag (again), nothing else rlly!!

word count: 1,401, should take about 11 minutes to read

listen to: gives you hell by the all-american rejects

THE HEFFLEYS WERE probably one of the most dysfunctional families you’d ever seen. the spoiled youngest brother, narcissistic middle brother, lazy (but ever so charming) oldest brother, the clueless mom, and the tired dad. and just to put the cherry on the cake, how the parents did nothing to fix it and actually left so often.

this weekend was an example. susan and frank were going to be gone for a weekend outing to the beach. but, they had no intention to bring their two oldest sons with them.

of course, you didn’t mind. not in the slightest. it just gave you more time to run around and cause trouble with rodrick. and without them knowing!

that’s exactly what was going to happen. to prepare, you drove to the edge of the heffley’s street about fifteen minutes before their parents would leave. you had all your essentials: a change of clothes, pajamas, makeup.

then you sat and watched, waiting for their car to pull out of the driveway. sure enough, a little while later, you saw rodrick’s parents and brother get in their car and drive off. perfect.

the second they were out of eyesight, you pulled your car into the parking lot, replacing theirs, and practically sprinted to the front steps.

you didn’t even knock, rodrick already knowing you’d be coming. without a moment to spare, he flung the front door open, beckoning you to come inside.

you smiled up at him as you walked in and shut the door behind you. even in your heels, you were still a notch shorter than him. “hi,” you greeted, your gleaming eyes looking into rodrick’s face.

“hi, babe.” he leaned down, pressing a chaste and fast kiss on your lips. you heard a gagging sound from the other side of the room.

turning your head, you saw rodrick’s brother, greg, in the living room. “why are you still here, shit for brains?” rodrick exclaimed.

“i was…getting water-” greg tried to explain before being cut off.

“you know what, i don’t wanna hear it.” he made a “go away” motion with his hand. “shoo.” greg just sighed and went upstairs. rodrick didn’t move until he heard the sound of his bedroom door closing.

he turned back to you, placing his hands on your waist. “you ready for the best weekend of your life?”

“you know me.”

the first half of the day was spent out and about. running around the plainview mall, going into hot topic, trying on clothes that you didn’t buy. going into record stores, browsing the selections. renting a movie from blockbuster. taking cute photos in the photobooth (you kissing his cheek, of course.) getting kicked out of yankee candle after rodrick clumsy dropped a candle (by doing a stupid, stupid dance then knocking it over with his elbow.)

after a few hours there, you knew you couldn’t call if there. so, taking a step further, you drove into the big city. just to look.

the places were all too fancy and expensive and the people too sophisticated, but it was almost comforting. you were so out of place but it was so right.

to be honest, rodrick didn’t entirely want to drive out here for no personal gain. but he knew you. and he would do almost anything to see that look in your eyes.

after a quick drive and a stop at the ocean, you headed back. the day alone was nice. you couldn’t wish for anything more as you two drove back to the heffley house.

on the way home, you planned out the rest of the day; go home, stay up late watching movies (and maybe making out), go to sleep late at night, then fuck off the next day.

suddenly, rodrick passed a small concert venue. on the sign read “bowling for soup: tonight.” you nudged rodrick in the shoulder. “hey. did you know these guys were coming?”

you pointed to the sign on your right, rodrick reading it. his eyes widened. “no. holy shit, we should go.”

you laughed and shook your head. “rodrick, i know you don’t have money for tickets.” his smile dropped, but quickly returned as he thought about something.

“who said we needed money?”

THE SECOND YOU opened the front door, rodrick was trotting up the stairs with an almost fearful demeanor. “greeeeeg!” he called out, shoes pounding up the stairs.

you watched him with a confused but amused look on your face. you followed in his footsteps, watching as he slammed his younger brother’s door open. greg, who was reading a comic book, looked over at him. “what do you want?”

rodrick walked slowly, then sat next to him on the bed. “how would you like to make your dear old brother and his girlfriend happy?” greg looked at him and replied sarcastically, “i’m good, thanks.”

rodrick let out a fake laugh before going serious. “well, it’s either that, or i call up holly hills right now and tell her you hate her stupid. guts.”

you knew there was no way that was possible; no way he had her number. but you knew for a fact that greg was gullible. and that you had a free ticket to a concert.

only fifteen minutes later, greg was in the back of the van, trying his hardest to not slam against the wall. you felt a little bad for the kid. a little being the key word.

the ride consisted of rodrick blasting some band you didn’t know while his hand was on your thigh. you knew greg was gagging in the back. “this show. babe…it’s gonna be amazing. it’s gonna be radical.”

you snorted. “radical?”

“ya. radical,” he repeated, confidence in his tone.

after taking the long drive to the city, rodrick parked somewhat near the venue. he unbuckled the seatbelt and turned to greg. “here’s the plan, squirt. you’re gonna go in there, distract those employees, then you’re gonna wait in the van as we get in. got it?”

it was clear there was some fear in greg’s eyes, but he knew there was no choice. so, he nodded. “good.”

rodrick got out of the van, opening the side door for greg to get out as you got out as well. rodrick leaned against the side of the van, gripping your waist as greg walked in.

after a minute, you two walked in. inside the venue was a couple lines leading to the box office, then people inspecting tickets near it. greg was pushing to the front of the office. you sat back and watched as he tried to get inside without a ticket. “you ever think you’re too mean on him?”

he shrugged and wrapped an arm around your waist. “it builds character.” greg had started to push past and try to run in, the employees running after him. that was your cue.

immediately, you pushed past people, trying to get to the front. you could see the employees dealing with greg as you made it to the front. quickly, rodrick took your hand and jolted to the nearest bathroom.

you two laughed as you went into the men’s room and into the handicapped stall. you tried to suppress your laughs. “rodrick!”

“i told you it’d work, did it not?”

after a couple minutes of laying low, you went to general admission section. rodrick had plenty experience with this. taking your hand, he pushed past people, trying to get as close as possible. only the best for you.

when you stopped, it was only a few rows from the front. you’d never been this close to the stage for any concert (which you’d only been to a couple.) it felt surreal to you and rodrick could tell. he smiled at you. “shocked?”

all you could do was smile and nod. he chuckled. “you’re cute.”

it only took a little while for the show to start. you didn’t know the band that well and nor did rodrick but that didn’t matter. you two danced and sang to the songs you did know, joining the energy with the crowd. you felt free.

the concert went by, and after, all the people started to file out. rodrick let out a sigh, his body sweaty. “you good?” he asked.

“more than good,” you confirmed. he smiled and kissed your forehead.

“come on, let’s get home. see if greg’s still in one piece.”