#he cares too much but he's disillusioned and hates himself and doesn't see the point in trying anymore‚ not if it is for himself

[casurlaub]

Wolfstar AU - Werewolf rights activist Sirius Black meets Remus 'I don't want your help, I just want some quiet' Lupin.

[chaifootsteps]

Hi, hi! I've been a longtime follower of your blog, but this is my first time sending in an ask because of anxiety. You're the most consistent blog that keeps up to date with Viv and her work. As someone who first saw Viv through the Die Young animation, and watched the HH pilot when it was first released, I grew disillusioned as s1 of Helluva Boss slowly aired. It was mostly because I didn't really enjoy the Stolitz ship and I believe the Erin Frost drama had come out (god bless Erin - she, Ken and everyone else deserved so much better). Plus the world-building and character development was just so off.

I know people have said this before: the concept Viv has is good, but the execution sucks. There's a vision but the product is so damn juvenile. I'm ace, and I became attached to Alastor due to him being ace as well, but we all know how Viv responded when the ship wars were happening. I couldn't stand the constant sex jokes or swearing in HB since when was it required for an "adult" show to have that?

Thank you for the episode leaks. Only got to see ep 1 before they were removed. The only thing that made me laugh out loud was the Niffty gag where she stared dead into the camera. I also liked Adam a bit? Sure the "original dick" thing went on way too long, but he was funny too. I surprising enjoyed his song - the lil fist bump he did with Lute was cute, and I like Lute but knowing Viv's record... eh. There was this cool shot where Adam flew up and Lute and those golden angels go behind him and spread their wings making Adam look like the biblically accurate angel. Except Adam himself ruins the effect because what the ever-loving heck is he wearing? I hate it.

In terms of shipping, I wasn't into the Huskerdust interactions. Angel wasn't flirting, that was sexual harassment. In the pilot it was okay because their interaction was brief and Husk pushed Angel off. Chaggie was... something. I genuinely feel that Chaggie could've worked had they not been established as a couple in the first place. The reason why Charlastor (and I guess Charlentious?) happened is because they had chemistry and their interactions could be read as a romantic interest. Since Chaggie was already established, there was an expectation for them to have those, but they weren't delivered and we know well that they weren't supposed to be a thing in the first place. Have Vaggie still be her bff and bodyguard, but show those moments where she genuinely cares for Charlie's well-being that indicates she's in love with her, yet Charlie is completely oblivious to everything. Actually, reverse harem Charlie sounds pretty funny to me.

Btw, armchair psychology anon, as a person studying psychology in my final year of college, dw about people taking issues with your speculations. NPD and other personality disorders are ego-syntonic, which means that the individual's behaviours line up with their beliefs, hence why PDs are only diagnosed during adulthood once brain maturation and personality development is reached. The only exception to this is ASPD (which NPD shares a category with called Cluster B along with histrionic and BPD) as you can diagnose a child with conduct disorder that can become ASPD when they're adults. Cluster B PDs are terribly demonised by media and the public despite the volume of research (I blame misunderstanding and ignorance). Viv could have it or could not; it's just that she shows signs of having it, and that's it. Even if she doesn't, she's still an awful person. Idk what happened in her childhood or some point in her life for her to become like this, but it doesn't excuse treating people like crap - oh wait, ain't this her characters in a nutshell?

That's all I gotta say for now. I hope it's okay to send more like this in the future; I'd love to be a specific anon but idk what's already taken lol. Take care, Chai, and I hope you have a good day/evening.

By all means, send as many as you've got! Because this was a delight to read.

Let me know when you come up with a name. I'll give you a placeholder one for now.

[sunnykeysmash]

I'm in my overanalyzing hour but this scene is very fascinating to me because it reads like layers

like at first it presents us the problem (the party), it shows us how he reacts to problems in general (he is on edge because his trauma response is to overanalyze and micromanage everything to keep everyone safe, because in the past for him "problem" meant instability and danger)

then we see his core emotional response to it, and something that I think is always on the back of his mind ("you guys like me, right?" "you think that dennis hates me?" "are you mad at me?"), which is to doubt the love and care of the people around him for putting him in this position in the first place (dealing with the problem) (and tbh who can blame him lol)

he covers this core response with anger, because it's something he absolutely cannot accept (that they don't in fact love and understand him, it's too painful to even consider)

then finally he laughs to cover EVERYTHING up and conceal and dismiss it, his final response is to self soothe by distraction himself with a positive memory regarding the gang instead, to calm down that original first one

and yeah ik the pills probably played a role in how much and how quickly this happens, but I do think this is still true to what happens with him, just... on the inside, usually.

like, oh my god, this boy is so unaware of his emotions and pushes down, down the negative ones, it's only gotten worse as the series advanced tbh, at least he used to blow up at first, which to me meant he felt at least more comfortable to express the feeling in the first place... now he's more passive aggressive, but I still think this applies. he may not conceal it with laughter but he just doesn't say it.

it's that unreadable expression or nervous smile for me. 😇

myyy point being that mac, also, has big feelings, and they hurt. and that his submission (that he only recently stopped post-chokes) was (ALSO, not only. he does love dennis and care for him) a trauma response (fawning). so is his repressing of them. which if you ask me has only gotten worse as he's become "the man who carries". mac's need for control was just as unhealthy as dennis'... that's what keeps him on edge... and if he's allowed to carry all of it, I fear he may snap as well!!! he's not much better off than dennis, I think they're at pretty equal low points right now.

S14 was all about showing dennis that mac cares, that mac can do better and can improve the dynamic, but I think maybe... mac may be a bit disillusioned that dennis can similarly step up. but since mac copes by holding control it "doesn't bother him" that dennis doesn't extend care. it's the love part that still bothers him. I do think he's still upset that dennis won't admit it. That's probably why he seems pissed during dennis' identity monologue in s15, because dennis is being super hypocritical.

but uh. yeah. idk where I was going with this if not that they're both the jumper (like, I really believe they're both at the lowest but idk) and they're very much mirrors of each other and share a lot of similar experiences (the storm! the big feelings! the denial! the hole! the family trauma! the love...) plus their self image is very much built in how the other sees them, and right now they're not seeing each other right at all. they're both falling for the other's mask.

I hope... they get to see each other.

[gutterspeak]

from that ask meme: 6 (with the added question: how different are the answers for pre-canon, early-game, and endgame true aeon?), 16, and 27 for luthais, + 20 and 38 for iolanthe (bg3-verse her or pre-murder pwotr-verse, either one, if the answers would be different!) as a bonus? 👀👀

thank you so so much for all of these!! sorry it took so long to get around to answering them!

from this ask game!

for Luthais!

6. Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

100% something that changes over the course of the game, absolutely. I'd consider him more true neutral-leaning-evil than lawful neutral prior to WOTR and during acts 1-3 (although he definitely has some chaotic bastard moments... but those are usually deliberate and few and far between)

BUT seeing as he's a wanted criminal in at least two countries... his view of the law is initially pretty loose!! the murder of his wife and the lack of any real action taken to punish those responsible had him disillusioned with the structural corruption of it all and vigilante justice was, in his mind, the only option. and maaaybe he took it a little too far, but hey! he did it for feminism

as act 3 rolls around and starts going down the aeon path, his view of the law changes - but mostly because now he is the law, or is in the process of wholly understanding and becoming it. there was this line that stuck out to me in my replay recently when you're making one of the first aeon decisions after capturing drezen:

...which I think sums up how he finds himself taking a hard left into the "immovable laws" territory pretty well! he is, even at that point, the only one who understands what must be done, and he'll break himself and anyone else in his way to mete out what justice needs meting. or whatever

honestly it's not too different from how he felt before (as far as pushing justice to extremes goes...) except now, with the aeon's eyes, he's infallible!

...right? right??

16. What makes their stomach turn?

I'm taking this question maybe more literally than was intended LOL but!! he's one of those people who gets nauseous when he's anxious, which is basically all the time. thank god for his fantasy xanax potions that he mixes himself

public speaking turns his stomach in knots for sure. he can be pretty sensitive to smells, notably the smell of alcohol has a tendency to make him feel ill. he also can't STAND strawberry as sad as it is. he hates the taste on top of being mildly allergic to it, not enough to send him into shock but absolutely enough to give him a rash and a category 5 tummy moment

27. What causes them to feel dread?

answered here!

for Iolanthe!

20. If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

Iolanthe is an interesting one to answer this for! the line specifically between romantic and platonic love is very blurred for her, there's not a structured set of criteria where a relationship will fall into one category or another, it's really just about the vibes and the specific person in question

she's also on the aro spectrum in that she usually doesn't feel romantically attracted to people in the sense of pursuing a relationship, regardless of physical/sexual attraction, but every once in a while she'll desire that commitment with someone - so... demiromantic maybe? or grayromantic? 🤔

but to give an example without deep diving into too much long-winded backstory, she has a very close relationship with another drow named Selene. they were once both slaves and came to take comfort in and care deeply for one another - to the point where Iolanthe was blinded as punishment after she took the blame for Selene's secret stash of outlawed books when she wasn't even supposed to have books in the first place. they protected each other and escaped together, and while they aren't and never were in a typical committed relationship, they do hold a lot of love and physical affection for each other that most people would probably consider to be romantic. which means yes they have explored each other's bodies <3 yuri win!!

familial love is a tough one. she was abandoned at birth and taken in by a very elderly man who passed when she was still too young to remember his name (or the one he gave her)

it's not until she's much older that she starts to learn what family is. in BG3 and 5e she and Luthais have a son of their own and she's fiercely protective of both of them. after Luthais croaks, she becomes a much more guarded person, but really anyone she manages to get close to she sees as family and that same protectiveness over them kicks into gear. by the end of BG3 pretty much the entire party falls under that umbrella so rip Mizora, Gortash, Vlaakith, Cazador, Mystra, Shar, etc LOL. she will fight the gods if pressed

and after writing an entire essay here I realized the question specifically asks how they would explain it, not me as their creator. WELL

Iolanthe's answer would probably be very short and sweet. love is love is love is love. the difference doesn't matter. find who you want to enjoy being alive with. stay with them and protect them no matter the cost

38. What memory do they revisit the most often?

I'll answer this one specifically for her BG3/5e self... and that would be Luthais' execution 🥹

the details differ slightly between BG3 and 5e but the overall story beat is the same. Luthais was framed for a crime they didn't commit and burned at the stake. something about how he dies by fire in WOTR too after he finds Iolanthe murdered and sets the whole town ablaze about it... there's symbolism there that I'll write about someday...

BUT Iolanthe was present during the execution with their infant son and was completely powerless to stop it. just like Luthais in the verses where it's all switched around and it's Iolanthe who dies instead, she agonizes over what she could have done differently to prevent it. her way of coping is less explosive and more running the fuck away and repressing her rage into a paladin oath, but yknow. the horrific, endless grief and night terrors that haunt her for the rest of her life are pretty much the same 💔

[golbrocklovely]

I feel like every girl knows that Colby isn't interested, they just want to see it for themselves or have this disillusion that he's gonna get changed if they have sex once or several times

Tbh i don't buy the first relationship story anymore, how he can't get over it. It's just an excuse to not open himself up anymore to any girl until a certain point. Just admit it straight away and stop with that story cuz I'm tired of it and no one's gonna keep believing that u still think about that certain person so much that u can't move on with ur life

i honestly think it's the mindset of "i can fix him" which i think a lot of women feel like is something they can do to "broken" men. when in reality, you don't exist to fix ppl. you are not a therapist. it's not your job.

take it from someone who's thought like that before lol

and as for his past love/ex gf, this is all gonna be speculation bc he honestly never talks about what fully happened but here's what i believe happened: i think he's not hung up on the girl, i think he's hung up on the things he did in the relationship, or what happened to him. the couple times he's talked about his past relationship, he goes heavy on the fact that he was too clingy, and he was the one that would fall apart when plans were cancelled. he always makes it seem like he did too much, and she didn't seem to do anything wrong. it was always a him problem. i think what happened is he fell madly in love with this girl, and she just… didn't love him the same way he loved her. and bc the love wasn't reciprocated, he ended up looking desperate and clingy and over-protective when in reality, he was just in love with someone that didn't love him back the same way. sure, maybe he did take things too far. that's perfectly possible and probably also true. but i think he's embarrassed by how he acted in the relationship, but not bc he actually had gross behaviors, so to speak. i think he's more embarrassed for maybe not realizing how not interested she was in him, or how he was giving 90% to her 10%.

i mean, he literally has said he doesn't want to fall for someone like that ever again unless it's his wife. that means he was basically ready to marry this girl, which is insane to me for a number of reasons.

for example: colby clearly cares about appearances (both literal and general), i mean that's why he hates looking back at old videos. but you would think that if looking back at old videos makes him cringe, he would a) stop doing that and/or b) moving forward, not act in a way that makes him uncomfortable, right? instead he doesn't do that. he continues the cycle. and not that that's a bad thing, but either way he loses if he doesn't change. he either has to learn to pretend to be someone he's not, or learn to not get embarrassed by stuff like that. both take time and internal work, and one is clearly the better option than the other. and i think that goes for his past relationship.

i don't think he really started to get over the relationship OR work on himself until 2019; which i think is why that was the most depressing year for him. i mean, that's when we got the balcony tweets, that's when he talked about staying on his couch for days on end, ect. and god knows there are a ton of layers to who he is as a person that maybe need to be addressed on top of the relationship issues he has.

and now, he goes for girls that are already very interested in him, that way he doesn't have to worry about them ever falling out of "love" for him. and then on top of that, he has one foot in the door, one foot in the grave. so, in the very rare occurrence they do stop being into him, he's already gone to begin with. forever ago, i saved this one post he liked on insta that was a tweet of his: you can't miss what you forget with a meme attached that said "scared of ppl leaving you? leave them first". and i think that perfectly describes colby. he's terrified of not being wanted (again) so he only goes after girls that want him more than he wants them. that way he can leave if things get weird, and on top of that, he doesn't have to commit in the first place bc it wasn't that serious to begin with. does he do this on purpose? i don't think so, or i don't think he fully realizes what he's doing when he messes with girls that might fall for him. i also don't think it's his intention to make a girl fall for him, i think that just kinda happens naturally.

slight side tangent, but i've always felt that ppl who rely heavily on casual hook-ups and flings and never settle down are most likely hurting from something in their past and try to use sex to fix it, or at the very least to number the feeling of it. not saying that's every person that likes a casual relationship. do whatever makes you happy. but, why are you doing it? is it bc of the lack of commitment or being scared of it? is it bc you don't think you deserve a loving, full-body relationship? just some food for thought.

and as for colby, i think to some degree he sees the casual hook-up life easier for him. he gets to stay emotionally detached, and he gets to have fun too. it's a win win. but… i don't think in the long run for him it's gonna be. but that's how i think.

again, totally not shaming those that like hook-ups and what not. as long as you're healthy and safe about it, do it. i don't judge. i'm just more stating what i've observed over the years. but if you disagree, totally fine. god knows i'm probably not right lol

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

I've seen different takes on Akechi and his attitude toward his fame in fic I've read but I think a lot of them oversimplify things. Usually he's portrayed as being disillusioned or annoyed by his fans, and while I think that is true to an extent, it's also a lot more complicated than that.

Goro gets his self worth from other people. His success, his skills, his perception, are all how he values his worth as a human being. So when he first achieves fame, becomes Tokyo's new sweetheart, of course that's all going to go straight to his head. People love him. They're obsessed with him! He's going to revel in that, in the feeling of being liked and adored for the first time in his whole life.

And I think that there's always an underlying fear and bitterness, because that love is for a fake version of himself. People love the Detective Prince. They don't love Goro, and they never would, not if they knew the real him.

But all that doesn't really hit him until the public turns against him. The superficial and fickle nature of their love is abundantly clear once they all turn on him. I think it's then that Goro really starts to sour on the public and fame in general.

But of course, he still gets his self worth from what others think of him. No matter how much he wishes he didn't care what ignorant strangers think about him, on a deep level he can't quite control, he does. They hate him even as the Detective Prince. Even when he's the ideal person, even when he's erased every bit of his unlikable traits, he's still not good enough, and that hurts.

By the third semester, he's probably relieved to not have the public's eye on him any longer. He no longer has to perform the image of a perfect Detective Prince. But I think part of him probably misses it too. Misses being known and adored by strangers, misses being loved, even if it was by people who could never understand him. Which makes him hate his fame all the more, because he shouldn't miss any part of it. He shouldn't want the approval of others, he shouldn't care what anyone thinks. But of course he still does. He can't stop caring, not when he's cared for so long, when that's the only basis on which he's measured his self worth for as long as he can remember.

But he's done performing. He's done acting the perfect role of the lovable hero. Akechi is free to finally be himself. So Akechi stops trying to be liked, stops trying to be loved, and starts pushing everyone away instead. Because if he's not able to be loved, what's the point of even trying?

Goro thinks his true self is inherently unlovable. He's a failure and a murderer and there's no possible way anyone could overlook that. He thinks the only reason anyone ever liked him at all is because of his perfect fake public persona. And that's what makes Akira so incomprehensible to him. Because even when Goro drops that persona, even when he becomes the person he thinks he is--the asshole who no one could ever love--Akira still loves him. Akira sees the real Goro, and he likes him. Goro can't use his true self to push everyone away. It might work on the Phantom Thieves, but it just makes Akira love him even more.

[shoceted]

i reeeeeeally don't want to be frustrated by other people not enjoying a thing i like lmao but good god seeing people hate on yanase for... so many things? after this past episode, on viki and on r/boyslove and mdl... and i just truly wonder, like, have these people never experienced impostor syndrome or creative burnout? does that not happen to other people? can anyone else see this or am i just weird????? (under the cut i have a lot of words and feelings about yanase jun you can read them, or don't)

i'm almost reminded of some reactions to cherimaho post episode like... 6-ish? there were all these comments about how adachi doesn't deserve kurosawa and the like — and it was just like... like he has anxiety. have you ever had anxiety. sometimes it makes it hard to accept compliments, let alone love! and similarly — you can be yanase jun, gifted, award-winning, world famous, probably has a wikipedia page, incredibly handsome and successful... and still think you're not good enough. anyone can feel those things. you can have all that and still think lowly of yourself. you can have none of that and still be burnt out and in the throes of self loathing.

him going back to vancouver is literally the opposite of cowardly. he's taking a huge risk here — he could stay in japan, comfortable, doing mediocre work on smaller jobs, safe, not creatively fulfilled at all but safe. or he goes to vancouver and does the dangerous thing — doing bigger jobs and having more opportunities, maybe to fail, but maybe to succeed, too. the yanase of this episode isn't taking risks or doing anything brave and he sure as hell isn't standing up for himself as an artist.

but kaneda is. he's the one who's explaining to benji all the reasons that the temple cgi has to be wood & asking yanase if he can help w/ the market cgi because he knows yanase doesn't actually want to compromise quality for time. and yanase used to be willing to fight like kaneda is, but he's so disillusioned by the industry (how different does this hit btw w/ the news of how marvel's vfx artists are treated?) at this point in the episode that, while it would be brave to fight, yanase doesn't think it's worth it.

but by going to vancouver — yanase has a chance to at least stop being cowardly, and maybe he'll even find his passion again too. kaneda is brave (heh heh get it. because kamen rider. anyway), so yanase is going to try to be brave too — even if it means being away from the person he loves and cares about so much for a year. like that's gonna hurt him like hell. i do not doubt that it is going to hurt him like hell. but overcoming that hurt so that he can be someone he thinks is worthy to be by kaneda's side is just such an act of love that i truly don't get why other people don't see it.

full disclosure as to maybe why i feel so angry about people not understanding this: i have an ex who, when i broke up with them, told me that you don't have to run away to grow. (i was pretty much in yanase's position — burnt out, self-hating, not feeling worthy of their affection, extremely creatively stifled.) and i mean, sometimes, that's true; sometimes running away is the worst thing you can do. but it's pretty damn clear that in the environment of max pictures in japan, yanase jun is being stepped on. if he wants to change and be someone he deems worthy of kaneda yuki, he needs a place where he can grow. so that's where he's headed.

so yeah in conclusion i would literally die for yanase jun, everything he's done in this god damn show makes perfect sense and i am truly tired of pretending otherwise! if you don't like sepakoi it's fine it's whatever just. please. please think a little bit about why characters act the way they do use your brain cells i know you got em, r/boyslove/viki/mdl users. please.

[slowlyreadinghouseofmirth]

Page 7

In truth, he had never liked her as well as at that moment -> Selden's affections here are plain to see, made so especially by subordinate clause 'in truth' which conveys an honesty and freshness about his feelings. Most importantly, he likes her when she is being her true self, unconventional, and willing to take risk. It's likely informed by his disillusion with high society and finding commonality in someone willing to disregard its etiquette. This is where Lily is unique.

There's also this sense that Selden likes Lily because she is impulsive and this sparks his curiosity to try and understand why she does the things she does-- understand Lily as a person.

He knew she had accepted without afterthought: -> This reaffirms Lily's lack of hesitancy, which alludes to how willing she is to be in Selden's company. It also shows how comfortable she is with him as she is aware of the rumours that could occur but never merits them with being a possibility, showing great trust.

Alternatively, being aware of the risks and having not afterthoughts could suggest that she doesn't fully understand the risks' depth and nuance as in future the situation at Monte Carlo would suggest, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

he could never be a factor in her calculations -> there's a colon that separates this clause from the previous one which suggests this is an explanation for Lily's certainty. To me this would point more towards Lily not really associating the risk of rumours with Selden because she trusts him so much. i.e she does not think of him when she thinks of the risks. But given that they are going up to his apartment it seems strange that Selden would not think himself a factor in her decision. It's therefore possible that he thinks that Lily does not think of him worthy of great consideration.

Also the noun 'calculations' would suggest a lot of thought had gone into the decision where it was previously implied it was one of impulse. This seems like Selden thinks that Lily is playing an intricate game, which further demonstrates his curiosity about her and need to understand her.

there was a surprise, a refreshment almost, in the spontenaity of her consent -> This further contrasts Selden's perception of Lily's 'calculations' and I think the narration is a fine weave between objective reality--where Lily is impulsive-- and Selden's subjective perceptions-- where Lily appears impulsive but there is something more complex informing her decisions. I think this is meant to show that Selden is blinded somewhat by his affections for Lily, seeing things deeper than what are there or what everybody else sees. Alternatively, we as the reader lack Selden's sight into the complexities of Lily and so she is introduced to us as other people see her, which isn't well at all, and we have to learn how Selden sees her. It's a challenge to care for Lily as he does.

The spontaneity invokes a light hearted and refreshing feeling of being in love which mirrors the honest of truth mentioned earlier.

So there's Selden's surprise at Lily being so spontaneous which draws back to a previous point about she is unique for being impulsive almost reckless. It's like we get a sense of her character and her environment from how the two are at odds with each other. Lily is impulsive; noone else of her class should be like that. In a way that makes her free from the system and yet shows her struggle against it but ultimately her struggle will be more defining.

She noticed the letters and notes heaped on the table -> I assume that this is a reference to future letters although I don't know if they would be the same ones. If they were, I don't even have the mental capacity to unpack that. Just the thought that Lily's fall is inevitable, that even when she is happy, having a nice time, an unknown omen lurks within the same room that will bring her sorrow... oh its symbolic, for sure. But I don't want to think about it.

Lily sank into one of the shabby leather chairs -> the verb 'sank' shows how at home Lily really is with this kind of surroundings, how the shabby whilst not fashionable or expensive, is comfortable. From this we and the the pile of letters we get an image of a a slightly disorderly but well-lived in home. This is one of the tragedies where we see the possibility of what her future with Selden could look like where it is unconventional but Lily is comfortable at home even with it.

"How delicious to have a place like this all to oneself! What a miserable thing it is to be a woman," -> I love Lily's exaggerated turns of phrases like 'delicious' and the exclamations; I think Wharton's emphasis on these exaggerations is to capture Lily's innocence through her speech by making it similar to that of a child who is easily excitable.

Again with the exaggeration but this time with 'miserable', we get the sense that Lily has found the world difficult as a woman to live in but miserable seems too strong of a word, certainly at this stage in the book and is sort of hidden within her other hyperbolised expressions. Maybe this creates a kind of cry-wolf situation where, when Lily properly starts to struggle, people don't take notice not only because it wasn't the done thing to do to talk about struggles but also because of her melodramatic personality, everyone thought the same stuff was happening as it had before and Lily was making a big fuss over nothing.

There is repetition of 'miserable' in association to being of female sex further down the page which is another example of Lily's melodrama. But at this point we as a modern audience start to question if she is actually alright (or at least I did). I'm not sure if a contempary audience if the time would have given the strict taboo over discussing any kind of struggle financial/physical health etc. let alone the discussion of mental health. From the impression I get of the time, the only real source of outlet for people struggling with mental health beyond self medication was art, which makes me wonder as to the position Wharton is writing this from.

she leaned back in a luxury of discontent -> The juxtaposition of 'luxury' and 'discontent' raises an important theme that wealth does not equate happiness and that Lily is not happy as a socialite but happy in the company of Selden, and that actually money is the source of Lily's unhappiness. In this specific context, she is lamenting her lack of freedom to live the lifestyle that Selden does.

"Even women," he said "Have been know to enjoy the privaledges of a flat." -> Putting the discourse marker directly after the subject of 'women' breaks it apart from the rest of the sentence and emphasises the extraordinariness of women being able to live independently. But it also raises the possibility of it and suggests that Selden thinks Lily is extraordinary and unconventional enough to achieve the possibility if she chose to.

"Oh governesses– or widows. But not girls– not poor, miserable, marriageable girls!" -> Again we have the breakdown of womanhood into distinct classes like governess, widows, and girls,which creates the idea that there's no intersections between any of them and is a reflection of of societies fixation for categorisation which loses sight the complexity of situations and problems. And it also makes it easier to place social stigmas like those on governesses and widows. Those stigmas are made apparent here but in contrast to how Lily describes girls, being a governess or a widow seems desirable.

In the list of adjectives 'poor, miserable, marriageable', marriageable is equated to these other adjectives and we see that Lily associates marriage with a poverty of kind, of the heart.

It's also interesting that Lily talks about herself as a girl where Selden speaks of her as a woman. Lily plays up her innocence as she has probably been taught to to make desirable marital match, but with that Lily carries around an air of immaturity and naïvity; she's still very child-like. Perhaps that's a part of her that's trying to cling to her youth so she doesn't have to face her future where she will need to marry to survive. Lily sees her adulthood as a constraint on her and her desires whereas Selden sees her potential.

"you mean Gerty Farish," she smiled a little unkindly. "But I said marriageable–" -> Okay so definitely a little tone deaf on Lily's part buts she's honest to a fault and her honesty is refreshing and entertaining.

I'm no expect on autism and don't claim to be but there's something about Lily's mannerisms here that reminds me of people who I know and am very close with who are autistic. And it makes me wonder if Lily was autistic and neurodivergence was recognised in her time if her fate would have been any different.

"Her cook does the washing and her food tastes if soup. I should hate that you know." -> I just love the imagery of the first sentence, it strikes my funnybone. I guess it also illustrates that Lily's privileged upbringing if she thinks this is a bad situation to live in.

Okay I'm going to bring in a bit of a technical term to describe the verb 'should'. So it's a modal verb (expressing possibility based on context) but specifically a deontic modal verbal, meaning that Lily's hate depends on social rules. When she says she should hate it it implies that society wants her to hate it but she wouldn't necessarily hate it. That's what that verb phrase implies in today's english, but language has changed since the time it was written so it may not have been written with this meaning, especially as a signifier of an older text is the use of modal verbs in places we wouldn't today and a lot more of them.

The shift from Selden's reflections to the quick dialogue and short simple sentences of action creates a lively and charged atmosphere that feels almost flirtatious in its rhythm but by the nature of the content is more domestic (preparing afternoon tea). The balanced turn taking feels comfortable in that they both have equal power in the conversation, being allowed to say what they want to and being listened to. It goes towards simulating what a possible future could be and also shows how happy they are in this moment.

[nickyneshwrites]

Cold Chapter 3

Bold=???

He was pacing around in front of his desk flicking his blade around in one hand, mumbling to himself, and fidgeting with his phone in the other hand. Shizuo still was nowhere to be found and Izaya was desperate. He had heard whispers of his possible location but had come up short everywhere he looked.

If this kept up he was going to raze every single gang in the city to find his lover, pathetic humans, and their opinions are damned!

He stopped flicking his knife looking at the glinting blade and in a moment of complete frustration threw it, it stayed stuck in his office wall. Then he felt and heard his phone ring and quickly pushed the knife from his mind. 

“Yes hello. . .What about him?. . .Where are you?! . . .Skip the pleasantries Shiki,                            Where.Are.You . . . I swear if I have to listen to you-! . . I’ll be there in fifteen minutes!”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The blonde monster needed to go, not that it wasn't fun having Orihara flustered but it wasn't nearly enough fun to keep the raging monster in his company.

Not only had he injured six of his men he’d torn up a whole room and had to be moved to a more… accommodating environment. This was just getting out of hand. 

Shiki sighed, then let his mind wander. A lot of this seemed strange, for one Orihara was showing an unusually open amount of interest in Heiwajima, normally he at least tried to feign disinterest, earlier the pure worry in his voice was clear as day.

Listening to the grunting and squeaking happening in the room over was now setting him on edge even more, as he lingered on the fact that the only thing keeping the blonde man firmly tied to the bed was a ridiculous amount of tranquilizer and thick chains. 

The doctor who he had asked to look after the blonde was certain in his methods of detaining the crazed man but it was in Shiki’s opinion that he was seriously underestimating the strength of one of Ikebukuro's most notorious men. 

He goes over to the door and the grunting stops. Upon opening the door he sees the blonde laying still, eyes still open he keeps a good distance away from the man in case he decides to lunge but it soon becomes obvious that he is in some sort of unconscious daze. 

He looks to see if he's still breathing and finds that he is and sighs, good he really couldn't deal with Orihara going rouge again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was swimming in it, all the self-doubt, the fear of hurting others, the complete overwhelming. . . 

“Sh. . .n”

Despair! Admit it for you know it's the truth, all of the love you hold is fake and you only push your pathetic existence upon those around you!

He wanted to deny it but he couldn't, his strength was a tool of destruction that would eventually drag all of those he holds dear to their doom. 

Blackened tendrils crept up his subconscious submerging him deeper in their viscous fear dragging up all the truths he tried to keep hidden in himself. 

A figure stands before him with an obscured face and it speaks directly to him in a hushed voice.

“-Ch. . .an”

The love you share is false, admit it! You took advantage of the hate you shared and shaped it into a twisted form of love that you've disillusioned yourself into believing.

He tried to escape to deny all of what he was hearing but it was too late he could no longer breathe and the darkness had taken hold devouring all his light.

"S-h. . .uo!"

Yes accept it, then return to your lie no but know no matter how much you run or you brush me away. Know I will still be there.

The figure leaves in black wisps and silence reigns in his consciousness. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Izaya enters a building at the back end of Shinjuku, normally he would care to know just what it is that goes on in a place like this but right now he doesn’t. 

All he wants is to find Shizuo to grab hold of his brute and bring him to his flat and keep him there so something like this doesn’t happen again. He’d always known the moment he lost control of his Shizu-chan bad things would happen. He just never assumed it would be to the stupid brute himself. 

He walks down a flight of stairs and is met with a tall door, he knocks three times then waits.

“ O-orihara-same, welcome uh, Shiki-dono is w-waiting in the lower level.” 

A small man stands behind the door in front of Izaya, and as the informant gives him the once over it's obvious the man is scared. Izaya's usual mask of aloofness has melted into one of neutrality and the man is right to question his safety with such a gaze aimed at him.

Once they get moving Izaya takes time to notice that the man is in a lab coat and that the area they’ve walked to looks quite similar to an underground clinic. 

The creaking of bed frames, the sound of heart monitors, and the distinct smell of bleach are the next things to assault his senses and he starts to get anxious. It seems Shiki has more going on under the city than he was privy to… 

This just means there's something for him to look into after this whole situation is solved.  

Once they pass through that area he is led to a door to the side and it takes all of a second for Izaya to understand what he's looking at, he doesn't like it and before the meek man can open the door to the room, a blade is pressed to his back. 

“Ne doctor-Kun, I've followed you here without complaint because you told me you were leading me to Shiki-dono so could you explain to me why I'm being brought to the interrogation room?” 

His tone was pleasant but the danger was clear and the knife pressed in the smaller man's back was sending a very clear message. He was frozen in place trying to find his voice while not fainting from all the stress, he was not prepared for this at all. 

“Sh-s-s-sh-iki-dono is in the t-this room, the patient is there too after he d-deemed them too danger-rous to leave out in the main building! Please don't hurt me I was ju-”

The black imposing door is opened and the doctor crashes to the floor, passes Shiki, and immediately scrambles away from the violent man he was forced to meet. 

“S-Shiki-dono your g-guest is here and with that, I think I should take my l-leave!”  

Izay has long since stopped listening to the blubbering idiot and passes only a glance at Shiki before he walks by him and cautions a look around the room behind the Awakusu-kai member, and he sees him laid up there, his Shizu-chan!

“Shiki-dono knows how to treat his guests so whatever this is should also have an explanation, right? A reasonable explanation that will explain why it was necessary to chain an injured Shizuo to a bed, right?!”

He wasn't pointing his knife at anyone despite the strong urges to attack though his breathing was giving away the obvious distress? Anger? Or maybe even fear he was feeling.

This situation was exactly what Shiki was trying to avoid, he has every intention to pass Heiwajima over to Orihara but he was sure to the tense man it didn't look that way. He takes a step back to sit in the chair in the corner and looks straight at the informant, he knows he has to play this right or things could blow out of proportion and he's not in the mood for the melodrama.

“He’s simply restrained for his safety and that of my men, this room was the best for such a situation, and seeing as we couldn't get him to calm down this was the best I could arrange, he’s under a strong tranquilizer and has been showing strong signs of mental distress”

At this point, Izaya has heard what he wants and is moving towards the bed, as he approaches he notices that Shizuo's eyes are wide open but is seemingly unresponsive. He touches the blonde's arm and can't help the intake of breath he makes when he feels how cold he is to the touch.

“Shizu-Chan comes on I know you’re stronger than whatever this is…” 

Izaya pockets the knife he's still holding and moves to grab onto the blonde's shoulder, he pulls on the chains there loosening them as much as he can.

“That isn't a good idea Orihara-san, he isn’t very stable and I don't think disturbing him in this state will not end well”

But again Izaya wasn’t listening, he just kept pulling and calling for the blonde getting lost in a haze of frustration as he rasped out his desperate call. 

“Shizu-chan please you're not allowed to fall to anyone but me, wake up. Come on Shizu-chan I can even buy you those ridiculously sweet milkshakes you like just … Wake up Shizuo!”

He sounded close to tears and Shiki sat in shock at the display in front of him, the whole situation was kind of surreal. He was sure he had a good guess as to what the nature of their relationship was behind closed doors but this type of emotional response was more than he expected coming from the normally supercilious informant. 

 Then from behind the trembling back of the smaller man he saw it, the moment heiwajima eyes came back into focus but still holding that crazed spark. 

“I-izaya?” 

There was a moment of silence as his eyes and Izayas met like they were trying to talk through them to push forward the pain they each had to endure.

And in one act of utter relief, Izaya kisses the blonde, hard and passionate and desperate with all the pent-up energy he'd built up being released in the only way he could think to communicate. 

He doesn't even hear as the chains are broken and fall to the ground with a heavy thump. But he does feel the blonde's hands pull at his fur coat and he sees the tears trickle down the fractured man's cheek.

A tired moan ripples through the kiss and Izaya retreats leaving a thin line of saliva connecting their mouths, his breathing is haggard and it takes him awhile 

to calm down. He looks over his tired lover, Shizuo's normal bartender uniform ruined, now a tattered and stained shirt and ripped pants with his sunglasses nowhere to be seen. 

“I’m sorry Izaya! I’m sorry I’m like this -this monst-i c-cant its just - i-i-I’m sorry! Im wrong were wrong I’m sorry so sorry sorry so much I-I-I-i”

Shiki leave the room he’s heard enough and decides he doesn’t need to know what else is going to be said, he’s given the informant what he wanted and as far as he’s concerned he’s done his job.

It’s up to Oriharta to fix the obviously damaged Heiwajima and to that he wishes him all the luck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been 2 days since Izaya brought Shizuo back to his flat, it's been quiet. Once Shizuo was showered and fed all Izaya wanted to do was hold onto his blond and never let go but he never came in fact he seemed to want to keep as much space as possible. Shifting from any type of contact Izaya initiated and spending hours at a time in the guest room instead of their shared bedroom.

The body that once housed his loud and lively lover was cold and distant. And when he wasn’t hiding, Izaya caught glimpses of a crazed fear in the blondes eyes, and he so wanted to help, to put this whole issue to rest and go back to how things were before his disappearance but it seemed impossible when the blond was so distant.

Shizuo's sitting on the sofa silently looking out at Izaya's unfinished game of chess, he doesn't really understand what about it had him quite so entranced but it was 

better than seeing the hurt in Izaya's eyes when he looked at him. He’s standing in the doorway even now just looking; probably weighing how much trouble it would be worth to keep someone as useless as himself just sitting around. 

He hears him let out a sigh from the door frame and steels himself as he comes and sits next to him.

“Shizu-Chan look at me, we need to talk ” 

Shizuo did as he was told. 

“You need time I get that but you need to at some point tell me what it is that you need me to do to help you. I care ok, when you disappeared I went looking everywhere, I found the bastards who attacked you that day and tried my damndest to make them pay. And as much as it hurts me to sit here spouting sentimental trash it hurts more to see you so… so broken, I love you so please just tell me what's wrong Shizuo”

And how could Shizuo ignore how sincere he sounded, those uttered words his name falling from the lips he’d spent years chasing? He shuffled over to the smaller man who was obviously giving him space and rested his head on Izaya's lap. Izaya didn’t really do anything at first but then he started running his fingers through the blonde locks soothingly. 

“Just don't leave me”

The words travelled the silent room and seemed to be made more real by the silence and while no reply was made, the gentle way in which fingers caressed the taller man's cheeks were enough to make him know they were acknowledged.

A promise made in tranquility only truly believed by one of them.

[makiema]

Zeke and Eren : Contrasts

With the events of SnK 120, it seems like the Jaeger brothers dynamic will largely make way for whatever the endgame Isayama has in mind. In this Chapter we see how much Zeke and Eren contradict each other. Their different upbringings are directly accountable for their difference in approaching the problem of the Eldians. However, there's more to this. Whatever the brothers stand for, whatever they desire and whatever their significance in the narrative- everything is in contrast. So, this is just an analysis on their contradictory personalities and ideologies and how it led to the surfacing of two polar opposite conclusions regarding the fate of the Eldians.

• Eren stands for love. As is evident from chapter 120, Eren was a dearly loved child. Carla had earliersaid "he's already special because he is born into the world". Zeke said, "looks like the second child was loved". Grisha loved Eren to the point where he was even ready to forget his duty as a Restorationist.

But, let's look at Zeke's past. Was he loved? NO. His parents only ever burdened him, and even though he refers to Xavier as his father-figure, all that Xaver did was impose his own nihilism on Zeke. That was not love, that was just the making of another war criminal. Zeke and Dina hated the Marleyans and Xaver hated the whole world. So basically Zeke is someone who grew up learning hate.

• Eren stands for life and hope. When I say, Eren stands for life I mean how much he values life. He'd never support a plan that means ending all Eldians because he was born into the world and therefore values the process of birth and life above all else.

Also, I believe this is why he was placed in front of the Coordinate, that is basically all the lives of the Eldians [Paths] connected together. The Coordinate therefore directly alludes to the Tree of Life in Norse mythology, which signifies the cycle of life.

As long as there is life there is hope. Throughoutut the series, Eren is stated to be the "hope of mankind" and he carries out whatever is requisite of him believing that. Eren, when he inherited Grisha's memories, heard Eren Kruger talking of the cycle of hatred and how he hoped for the future generation to learn love, breaking the cycle. Eren's hope for the future is further confirmed in SnK 120 with his disapprobation of Zeke's plans.

Now, coming to Zeke, he stands for death and despair. He was directly responsible for wiping off almost the entirety of the Survey Corps. His spinal fluid is stated to be responsible for wiping out entire villages overnight. We see that happening in Ragako. Even Levi states how Zeke doesn't care for life. Zeke's disapproval of the importance of birth and life can be traced back to his grooming by Xaver. All that this questionable father-figure taught Zeke was how trivial and unworthy life is. The whole idea of euthanisation was ingrained into Zeke as perfectly normal. How then can we expect him to know the importance of life? Also, Zeke has been exposed to despair since the very beginning given his parent's negligence towards him, his inability to keep up with the others during training, and most importantly, Xaver's horrifying nihilism.

No wonder his whole attitude towards life is one of despair. Zeke thinks Eldians and the whole world will always be at despair too and only death can give them relief. Zeke completely negates any hope for the future to the extent where he doesn't even want Eldians to have a future. Unlike Eren, the ideas of freedom, love and hope are alien to Zeke who grew up in a repressive, pessimistic environment where he is skeptical about any future that is not blighted by war.

• Eren stands for free will. He was groomed by Levi in a way that he has the freedom to follow his own will. In Eren's formative years, he was always advised by Levi to make decisions on his own and to trust his own strength. Levi acknowledged his love for freedom and encouraged him to make firm choices that he won't regret. During the Uprising Arc, Levi left it on Eren to make a choice and he came to a conclusion on his own by deciding to trust his own strength. In the Marley arc, Eren did whatever he deemed fit even going against orders. Eren decides on his own. This is the ability he developed thanks to his sort of father-figure, Levi.

Zeke, on the other hand, was groomed by Xaver who prevailed on him the improbability of ever achieving freedom as they're biologically linked with the Founder.

Contrasted to Levi, who put full faith on Eren and invested on him to save humanity, Xaver never had any faith on Zeke. From the beginning he was convinced that Eldians were beyond help and that even Zeke cannot liberate them in any way other than just erasing them off the face of Earth forever. Zeke, as a child, didn't get the freedom or opportunity to develop his own will like Eren. Even though he thought he was relieved from the brain washing of his parents, he only signed up for another sort of brain washing under Xaver's guidance. Xaver gaslighted a young, naive Zeke and made a cold, killing machine out of him who holds little to no regard for life. Zeke is always drawing him in when talking about Euthanasia. It almost seems like the conclusion Zeke reached is not inspired from free will, but is rather an outcome of Xaver's cynicism.

• Eren stands for freedom. Eren is free to decide on his own but his idea of freedom doesn't end there. He wants freedom not for himself, but for his whole race, for the world and even for Ymir Fritz as we can see him genuinely feeling sorry for her.

To him, freedom is a fundamental right of everyone and he must make sure that everyone realizes this right. And to that end, he will even behave rudely with his friends. Also, Eren confronting Mikasa kind of had a good outcome in that she decided to stop centering her life around Eren. Eren wants her to live and decide for herself, to move on from idealising him to an oppressive extent.

Zeke, however, stands for enslavement. He's a slave to a lot of things and therefore his thoughts too are shaped along that line. There's no direct allusion to this but, him not being able to move on from his past is self-explanatory. Zeke is not free in the sense that he still can't let go of Grisha's faulty parenting. Everything he relies on has to do with his past. He holds little to no consideration for present events. On the other hand, Eren held himself responsible for the death of the former Levi squad, but he let go of that with time. As a boy, he raved on about exterminating Titans, but he let go of that when he learned about the truth. He wanted to kill Reiner brutally, wanted to kill everyone living past the sea, but with time he grew past these feelings and accepted reality. Eren does not live in self-denial, he has been disillusioned more than often but, he had moved forward each time accepting reality. But, coming to Zeke we have a character who is a slave to the past and is extremely delusional- delusional to the point where he just cannot bring himself to accept the fact that Eren has not been brainwashed, that Zeke is not after all an entirely shitty person and that there may just be an alternative to the horrible idea of euthanising Eldians. He projects his own trauma on the world and just as he cannot save himself, just as he cannot let go of his scarred past, he believes a similar fate awaits all Eldians, i.e., they cannot let go of their past atrocities. He is chained to his past and believes the world is too. This is why he develops a negative saviour complex where he thinks he can set Eldians free only by denying them any probable future.

Another thing to remember is that Zeke's driving force is primarily his belief that humanity is enslaved to the fate of waging wars and is at fault just for being born. This directly contradicts Eren's belief that everyone is free from the moment they are born.

Thoughts on the aftermath : Zeke and Eren are both vested with the responsibility of all Eldians. Their contradictory personalities led them to arrive at different conclusions regarding the problem of their race. So, which of them will prevail in the end? It remains to be seen. But, with the way the plot has progressed, it can be said that the future generation will survive. Eren Kruger asserted the importance of loving someone so that the cycle of hate is broken in the future; Gabi and Falco represent the future generation and Falco's confession of love and marriage is more than hinting at a future where the cycle of life persists. Long before this, after the Serum bowl, when Levi gave Armin the serum, the end note affirmed the need of passing on responsibilities to the next generation. The next generation is important, the future is essential. Also SnK 120 established that because of Paths the concept of time (or linearity of time) is often lost what with Grisha being able to see the futuristic Zeke.

So it can be safely deduced that the future can influence the past. This has happened before too with Kruger talking about Mikasa and Armin and Eren waking up from his dream of the future. The influence and impact of the future is established time and again in SnK, so one can assume that the future generation will survive.

But then what's to become of Zeke? This is pure speculation but a change of heart could be a possibility. Zeke is now officially the powerful villain™️ with him having greater control in both Paths realms and in the real world. Eren could have something up his sleeve but after providing this much insight into Zeke's sad history, (not to mention how intriguing his whole character arc is) it's unlikely that Isayama would just make Eren defeat/kill him. Rather, perhaps Zeke would be redeemed. Zeke's love for Eren can bring about his potential redemption. The Jaeger brothers contrast each other in every step but when Zeke met Eren, he found love. Even now, when he can do whatever he wants, he seeks his brother's validation. A character who grew up learning hate and despair has finally found love and hope. Zeke has a saviour complex and wants to save Eren but ironically, Eren was the one who saved Zeke. It is because of Eren that Zeke understands sibling love. Ever since his encounter with Eren, we find him saying he 'understands' Colt's feelings towards Falco. Maybe, in a similar way, Zeke will gradually come to value life too and give up on euthanasia? Also, in this panel we see how Eren is sort of confidently calling Zeke to see the next memory.

Just a guess here, but maybe he believes it will be Zeke's empathetic awakening? However, with Isayama saying he wants to hurt the readers, things can take a really ugly turn. Even Eren's death flags are close [I'm not crying]. To sum it up, killing off Zeke would be a waste and in the aftermath, him surviving to repent for his sins would fit into the whole gray morality theme of SnK. If Eren and his memories can bring about some positive change in Zeke, it'll help Zeke's character arc reach a proper conclusion. It will also resolve the conflict between the Jaeger brothers and conceivably bring forth a reconciliation between the hero and the villain which'd further highlight the subliminal moral ambiguity in the heart of SnK.