#he STILL doesn't allow himself to be open about it... you are unwell. you are UNWELLLLL

[lyril]

i feel like the implications of how magic works in adventure time are kind of messy, and could probably use some more exploration, but i do appreciate how there really is varying levels of magic, madness, and sadness that go into it. it's extremely interesting if it's all very personal, in that way.

so, i also appreciate that, even in losing his magic and madness, we get to see a simon who's still clearly very, very deeply sad in fionna & cake

as with the other paralells in their characters, and despite him noting that his sadness seems to be gone, i feel like in adventure time this is... still very much the case for magic man, as well? there's some things that he does that are also very reminiscent of simon after he also becomes "normal", or maybe more accurately, that simon does that are like an extension of all of this, and of course a reflection of how he's now in a similar position that betty, and therefore, magic man, has been in

for instance, as normal man, he very clearly feels a lot of guilt over what he's done as magic man (even if, with the differences in their circumstances, simon is a lot more hesistant to really call ice king's actions his own), to the point of...

...self sacrificial suicidality.

because, shout out to magic man for uh, renaming himself to "normal man" and then getting finn and jake to help rescue his brother, only to immediately be like "actually, maybe i should just go get thrown off of a cliff, i kind of deserve it anyway" when they get there (peak normal behavior, of course) (was this not extremely concerning to anyone else. for the love of god please help me)

and, as with simon, i feel like it's pretty obvious he's not over margles

he definitely acts like he is, and as wonderfully put and analyzed in this post, he seems to be projecting onto betty in trying to help her, instead

up to this point, things have definitely been looking up for him, maybe compared to simon at the start of fionna & cake. it's interesting they've also almost swapped their position as a "king". but, underneath the demeanor that just seems to be how he is, he's still not really being open about what he actually feels now that he can, well, feel it all again

magic man doesn't nearly get as much exploration, with the limited amount of screentime that he has compared to simon, but, outside of the circumstances they're in, i think there are a lot of paralells between all of these characters that aren't as discussed as much others (he's even implied to have been a science guy himself!)

[farfromstrange]

Hi lizzi!

How are you? I hope well.

I saw that your request box is open so I thought why not send one in

Hear me out, what reader goes to the office to see Matt and he's all alone in the office, so they fuck around but Matt isn't paying attention to sense and he doesn't hear foggy just down the hallway and Matt pull out of reader right when they were about to cum and he makes her go under his desk while he tries to look decent.

So when foggy goes to Matt's office, reader pulls out his cock and starts to suck him off while he's talking to foggy and he's trying not to make a face or sound of pleasure, so after foggy leaves Matt punishes reader

Please and thank you 💋

My dear, that request made me very... unwell. Thank you so much for sliding into my inbox and bringing the filth! I apologize for the wait but had to get in the Matt mood again. Well, needless to say, this really did get me in the mood again. I hope you like it!

Naughty Girl | Matt Murdock x F!Reader

Masterlist

Pairing: Matt Murdock x F!Reader

Summary: You and Matt get interrupted while getting it on in his office. You can't stop yourself from taking what you want, and Matt is not happy about it.

Warnings: SMUT, PWP, MINORS DNI, unprotected p in v, mentions of oral (f!receiving), oral m!receiving, female masturbation, multiple orgasms, exhibitionism, choking, marking kink, BREEDING KINK (I went hard on that this time), rough sex, slight mean!dom!Matt, degrading, spanking, pure filth served on a silver platter

Word Count: 2.4k

A/n: Y'all I- I'm not even going to say anything. Smut right under the cut.

18+ From Here On Out...

With every harsh thrust of his cock into your tight walls, the desk underneath you creaks. You can see the legs shaking alongside yours through hazy eyes, but you’re too far gone to care whether or not the wood will give out. 

The second you came into the office, Matt had you bent over the desk. First, he ate your sweet cunt as if it were the last lunch he would ever have, and then he forced you onto your stomach and started pounding into you. The position repeatedly allows him to brush against your G-spot and reach your cervix, fucking into you at a pace that has you seeing starts, your moans bouncing off the walls, and you lose yourself in the feeling of him, his hands, and his cock. You love lunch times like this. He never leaves you dissatisfied. 

Heat wraps around him like a cocoon. Nothing exists in the Nelson & Murdock office but you and him. Your cunt wraps around his cock so impossibly tight, Matt drowns in the feeling. Your moans overtone the noise of the city and he can only smell your sweet arousal in the air, your sweat and your tears of pleasure, and your juices still glistening on his lips. He revels in it. Once he has his hands on you, you’re more than willing to let him do whatever he wants, whatever he needs, and he does so. But he knows well that you wouldn’t hesitate to do the same for him.

Today though, it’s his turn to ruin you, and the empty office made it impossible for him to keep his hands to himself when you came strolling in with that short skirt he fucked you in the day before; it smells like you, and him and sex, and you walk around shamelessly with it as if he can’t smell you five blocks down, or smell the wetness between your legs when you only think about him. You drive him wild with carnal desire, and he wants nothing more than to die between your legs, perhaps even with his cock buried in your velvety walls. He wants nothing more than to fill you up, fuck you until you can’t walk straight, mark you, make you his, tie you down, and ravish you until not a single thought crosses your mind – you’re his little cockdruck slut and he makes sure to tell you that over and over and over again. 

You’re a whimpering mess, reaching back to dig your nails into his hips. You’re so wet, so tight; skin slaps against skin, your nipples brush the wood of the table and you cry out again, and his breathing echoes in his ears. His senses are completely attuned to you, focused on your body, for the signs you’re giving him, the sound of your approaching orgasm, your cunt, your tits, your heartbeat, your everything. He feels your pulse jump under his fingers when he hauls you up to choke you, and you moan again. God, he thinks, this would be such a heavenly way to go out. 

He doesn’t focus for only a moment, but a moment is all it takes for the bubble to burst. Matt hears Foggy’s footsteps first, then his heartbeat, then his voice, and he has never pulled out of you faster. 

The world crashes back into you when your orgasm vanishes, slipping out of your reach, and you gawk at him. 

“Matt, what–” you begin, but he presses his hand against your mouth. 

He’s still hard, your wetness leaking from his cock, but his unfocused eyes seem panicked. “Get under the desk, now!” he says. 

It’s not a game, you can tell. 

“What?”

“Foggy.”

“Oh.”

You should have figured that getting carried away during lunch break would be a bad idea. 

Matt barely manages to sit down in his chair and fix his hair before his door busts open. 

“Matt,” Foggy waltzes in without a care in the world, “you won’t believe what Marci just told me!"

Your knees already hurt, but you can’t switch positions or he might hear you. You come face to face with Matt’s straining erection in his pants, and an idea comes to your mind. 

You’re a naughty little thing, his voice echoes in your head, but he promised he would make sure you could both get what you both wanted without getting caught and he failed. You’re desperate, your cunt aching for him, and you need to get off somehow. 

Matt sighs at Foggy’s comment. His cheeks are still flushed and he can’t think straight, but he has to appear professional to keep his dignity and yours. “You know what I think about you using your ex as a mo-oh!” His fist hits the desk’s surface. 

Your mouth wraps around his cock and you suck, hard. He comes almost right then and there. He didn’t hear you come closer, neither could he anticipate your behavior before it happened and now you’re sucking on his tip, knowing he is beyond sensitive, and Foggy is right there–

“I know,” Foggy says, and he seemingly doesn’t notice the new tension in his friend’s jaw or his hand gripping the edge of his desk. “But you said we needed more information, and you also hate when I bribe Brett– you know, you’re a hypocrite. You beat up bad guys for intel, but when I ask my ex to spy for me in exchange for sex that doesn't harm anyone, may I add, it’s suddenly World War Three. That's not fair! At least I care about... about the environment."

He says some more things, and they probably make sense, but Matt’s cock twitches in your mouth, so dangerously close to combusting, he listens with only half a quarter of an ear.

You take him down your throat fully, ignoring the urge to gag at his size. He tastes salty and slightly like you, his tip leaking pre-cum. He weighs heavy on your tongue, but the obscenity of it all makes you greedy to take him whole. Once you start, you can’t stop. You lick and suck and lick and suck, and he twitches again. 

His knuckles turn white around the wood and he casts a glare downward. You’re too lost in the pleasure his reaction is giving you, your hand working on your clit as you shamelessly suck his dick; you’re getting off on it, and it’s worse now that he can taste the molecules in the air. 

You’re going to regret this, but you don’t care because it feels too good to stop now. You just want to be naughty for once, get what you want and bring Matt Murdock to his knees. 

“Matt?” Foggy snaps his fingers in front of his face. 

He doesn’t notice he’s biting his fist until it starts hurting. 

“What?” he asks, his voice strained. He twitches in his chair, but he has nowhere to go. 

He’s about to come, the sound of your fingers working on your clit following the rushing of the blood in his veins, and that’s enough to cause his balls to tense up under your skilled fingers. 

“I said I was gonna check in with Marci,” says Foggy. “Usually, you have something smart to say to me. I’m waiting.”

“Good idea,” Matt says. 

“What?”

“Go.”

“Seriously?”

“Go!” It sounds almost like a warning. "Do the- the thing with Marci. Just do it, I don't care. Go do it!"

What his friend says next, he doesn’t register. He only hears the door fall shut, and then he’s coming hard into your hot mouth. You moan as your own orgasm washes over you, which only makes you suck harder, and his forehead falls to the desk as he muffles his howl. His toes curl. You lit the match, threw it on the gasoline, and now he’s burning. 

You suckle on his tip until he’s overstimulated and only then do you pull off. 

Part of you expects gratitude when you slowly crawl out from under the desk, but once Matt has found back to himself, his face darkens completely. This is not the man you started teasing before Foggy came around, not the gentle nature your boyfriend has reserved only for you – you’re looking into the eyes of a man equally as horny as he is pissed off with you, and you know what that look means. 

“What the fuck were you thinking?” he growls. 

Oh-oh. 

He gets up and towers over you. “Touching yourself like that, sucking my dick like the needy little whore that you are with Foggy in the same room while I was talking to him… How desperate for my cock do you have to be that you have to act like such a slut?” 

You wipe your mouth. “Sorry,” you mutter. 

He listens to your heartbeat. “No,” Matt chuckles darkly, “You’re a lot of things, sweetheart, but you’re not sorry.”

Next thing you know, your face is pressed against the wall and he cages you in like an animal on the prowl. The blinds are closed, Foggy is gone again, and your skirt lands on the floor. “Such a needy pussy,” he purrs into your ear. “You’re dripping.”

“Fuck, yes,” you moan. 

He pulls at your hair. “Don’t even think you’re getting rewarded.”

The slight pain makes you hiss. 

“I’m gonna fuck you as hard as I want now, and you’re gonna take it. You know why?”

“I–”

“Tell me.”

“I’ve been a bad girl.”

“That’s right. And what happens to bad girls, baby?”

“They get punished.”

“Exactly, so that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna fuck you until your pussy is full of my cum and then I’ll decide if you deserve to come or not. Are we clear?”

His words shoot straight to your core. You’re not scared, you know how he is, you have a safeword and yet, you’re enjoying this a lot more than you should. “Yes, sir,” you breathe. 

When he hears the honorific from your mouth, uttered oh so sweetly close to his ears, he pushes you further into the walls and thrust his cock into you. He doesn’t wait, he sets a ruthless pace from the beginning, and it’s harder than he fucked you before. 

Desire drives him to ruin you. Sweat drips off both of your bodies, mingling and turning into an almost toxic mixture. His white shirt is stained wet now, his tie loosened, and when you look over your shoulder to see his slack jaw and his bared teeth, you tighten around his cock. He looks so good, he renders you speechless, useless, everything. 

His fingers are sure to leave their bruises, just how you like it. His teeth nip at your neck. His grip tightens around your throat, knocking the air out of your lungs – you can’t breathe. He knows exactly where to press to turn you light-headed, yet needy for more. Your moans get caught in your throat, your nails claw at the wallpaper, and he only picks up speed. 

The line between pain and pleasure blurs. You find yourself on the edge in minutes, even without his fingers on your clit. You are so worked up, your body follows him where he wants you to go. 

He lowers his mouth to your ear. “Don’t fucking come,” he warns. 

You shiver. You’re right there, but you know you have to comply. It hurts, but it’s so good. 

His cock twitches, he’s close too, and he wraps his arm around your waist entirely to keep you straight as he fucks up into you and pushed you flat against the wall. You’re his toy to use now, and you let him. The angle drives you to hell and back, his cock brushing where you need him most but you don’t want him there because you are almost there, tethering over the edge and you are sure if he keeps going like that you are going to–

With a loud shout of your name, he comes deep inside of you. You swear you can still taste him on your tongue as he fills you up. He thrusts and thrusts and thrusts until you’re full of his cum, your walls milking everything he has to give and more, but the man knows no mercy. 

“Want me to fuck a baby into you?” he pants. “Is that what you want? So desperate for my cum, you need it everywhere, even your mouth? And now you want me to fuck a baby into your pussy?”

Holy shit. Whatever has gotten into him makes you sweat even more when you hear his words. 

“Yes!” you cry. “God, yes, Matthew! Please! Please! Please–”

“You need my cum? You need me to fuck you until you’re full of it?”

“Yes.”

“Say it.”

“I need your cum, Matthew! Please, I need it. I want it. I want you– please!”

His palm collides with your ass cheeks and he hisses like a snake on the prowl. “Come for me,” he says. 

You instantly lock up. Your muscles tense and you come with a scream; he doesn’t muffle it, he lets you let it out, and his grip is stern as he continues fucking his cum into your quivering pussy. You mewl, but he doesn’t let off. His fingers are everywhere. It burns. 

Only when he’s spent and satisfied does he stop, and you almost lose control over your legs. 

“Shh,” you hear him whisper into your ear. Gone is the dominant Matt who was about to ready to destroy you. He flicks the switch and he’s fully himself again. 

Stroking your hair, he makes sure to be careful when he pulls out. You whimper. He takes you into his arms. “I’m sorry,” Matt says, “Are you okay?”

You’re both panting, sweaty messes, but God, did it feel good. 

You can only muster a small nod and he holds you tighter in response. “Breathe,” he reminds you. “I’m here.”

With his fingers in your hair, you slowly find back to yourself. He carries you into his chair with him where he holds you some more, making sure you don’t lose yourself along the way. He offers you water, a tissue, everything, and you don’t feel used, you never could, not when he acts like this whenever he is rough with you. 

There is a reason you love him, and it’s not just mind-blowing sex. 

“Sorry for sucking your cock while Foggy was in the room,” you murmur, your voice sounded like a drunken slur. 

Matt chuckles, which quickly turns into a laugh. “You are so naughty sometimes, you know that?” he says. 

You shrug. “Guilty as charged, counselor.”

His lips find your forehead. “My naughty girl.”

“Yours.”

“Mine.”

You love Matt Murdock and you wouldn’t trade him for the world. You are gladly his because you know, no matter how dominant he is, he will always have a soft spot for you. 

Matt Murdock Tag List: @acharliecoxedfan @gpenguin666 @lina-mar @mcugeekposts @itwasthereaminuteago @mattkinsella @norestfortheshelbywicked @yarrystyleeza @littlenerdyravenclaw @etanordoesbullsh1t

[rjthirsty]

Bound Forever

Gilbert/Reader Roderic/Reader

Words: 2k

CW: Major Character Death. Angst. Tragedy. Grief. Smut. Route Spoilers.

A/N: @scummy-writes did a piece on Gilbert dying called Normalcy Bias that inspired this piece. We've spoken at length about our Gil headcanons, and I admire her as a writer, so I wanted to give myself a chance to mimic the depth of emotion I read in her works. I'm honestly hoping to cause some tears with this.

Gilbert had disappeared again.

It was always terrifying when he vanished, because you knew the only reason he had for leaving without saying a word - he was unwell. Like a wounded or sick animal, Gil removed himself from the palace to find a place he could rest until either he felt better or he perished. Thankfully he had always returned, but you still hated every time he left, feeling helpless and worried sick that you might not see him again.

Walter knew before you did. He always knew when Gil left, but he wasn't allowed to say anything. That, in itself, was a giveaway on why you couldn't find your husband. Just looking at Walter these days answered the question for you since you had danced this routine enough times to know when Gil had told him to keep things from you. Today, Walter refused to make eye contact with you when you visited his office in the medical ward, pretending like he didn't see you enter. You didn't even need to ask. That was enough.

Roderic knew, though he didn't know where Gil ran off to, or even if it was the same location each time. Walter was likely the only one who truly knew where Gil was. Roderic was painfully aware whenever Gilbert disappeared, scared that his master - his friend - would never return. Since you became a part of their lives, Roderic would stay with you on those long days that Gil vanished and the two of you would hold hands and try to keep each other's minds off the possibility. Neither of you wanted to voice that possibility.

As night fell, the black castle felt darker and more hollow without Gilbert's presence. Alone in your shared room, you restlessly waited for your husband's return. Some absences would span a few days, some only a few hours. Today turned to tomorrow, and a sleepless night passed you by with still no word from him.

Another day with Roderic for company. Another attempt to keep your thoughts from spiraling to the worst case. Perhaps baking would help. Gil could return to an abundance of sweets and maybe, just maybe he'll understand how hard it is for you when he goes off like this.

Another dusk leaving you alone with your fears for company in your shared room. Another sleepless night. Another morning that looks more gray than the previous. Three days was the longest he had ever spent away. It had only been two. There was still hope he would return, though that hope was a candle in the fury of a storm right now, barely keeping lit.

“You need to sleep.” Walter scolded.

“I want to see him as soon as he comes home.” It was a silly reason to keep yourself from sleeping, but even if you attempted to rest, you'd be haunted by the thought of him dying somewhere alone. He was alone right now. Alone and sick.

“I'll wake you when he gets back.” Roderic offered.

You're tired. A short rest would be good for you, but… “I'm scared.”

The tears start falling as you hug yourself. Walter looks away, cursing Gilbert for putting you through this. Roderic watches you, unable to offer any assurances. He's scared, too.

Laying on the large bed you share with your husband, it feels so cold and empty. The sunshine doesn't touch here even with the curtains opened. Your pillow is wet from your tears. You can't seem to quell them.

“I'll be right outside,” Roderic promises.

What good would that do? You're still alone in this large room. Exhaustion weighs your eyelids down until you fall into darkness.

You wake into darkness. The large windows are filled with the night sky. The room has no candles nor lamps lit. A shadow stands near the bed, far enough that his presence is hidden but the dull, midnight light from the sky beyond the windows outlines his form. His black hair shines like obsidian and you draw in a sharp breath.

“Gil?” You whisper his name, fearful that the slightest noise would wake you from this dream and he would fade away like an apparition.

He doesn't answer. He's not really there. Again tears well in your eyes and stream down your cheeks.

“Don't cry, Little Rabbit.” He steps towards the bed, out of the shadows. “Did you miss me that much?”

His red eye gleams from the starlight. His smile is perfectly placed. Now that he's closer you can see the layers he's wearing, still in his cloak, he must have just arrived. You glance towards the door, wondering why Roderic didn't wake you. The closed door gives no answers, though it is clearly late so perhaps he went to bed.

Throwing the blankets off, you jump out of bed and run to your love. You throw your arms around him and nuzzle into his chest and the tears come faster. “Yes, I missed you that much!”

Shakily drawing in breaths between your outpouring of feelings and the sobs you try to swallow down, you continue as you cling to him. “Everytime you leave like that I don't know if I'm ever going to see you again! It's been three days! I thought the worst and I couldn't sleep and you can't keep doing this to me!”

Slowly, Gil's arms wrap and you. Gently, he rubs circles on your back to soothe you. He leans down to softly drop a warm kiss to your forehead. He has no words to comfort you. He makes no promises. He never does.

“That was the last time.”

Except, this time he does.

He's warm in your arms.

You draw back as the horrible realization hits you. Looking up into his single red eye that holds more emotions than Gil ever expressed, you take a step backwards. Shaking your head as if it would do any good to convince yourself this wasn't happening, you back up another step.

“No no no. No. Please. No!” A third step has you stumbling into the bed, falling onto it. You can't even feel your legs anymore.

The man posing as Gilbert slowly came closer. The man who hadn't woke you on your husband's return, because he had never returned. Roderic delicately cups your jaw. Warm hands. He wipes your tears, even as new ones fall. Warm fingers. He speaks in such a sweet voice. A voice you love. “It's alright, Little Rabbit. You won't have to miss me ever again.”

Grief so deep you never thought possible drowns your heart and sobs wrack you. Warm lips kiss your eyes as your pain pours out.

Somehow he was on the bed next to you and you fall against his shoulder. Warm arms hold you close.

He murmurs words of affection and hushes soothing encouragement. And when your sobs finally die down to hiccups and gasps and shuddering breaths, you find a handkerchief already in hand to help clean your face. He guides you through the movements you are too numb to manage on your own.

His lips touch the corner of your mouth. Dazed, you turn towards him and your husband's face looks so forlorn. Fingers touch below your chin, lifting it for lips once again to touch yours. So soft. A slow blink from you and you find your voice.

“Roderic–”

“Gil.” He corrects, and the offer is so tempting.

You knew this was always the plan. You hoped it would be a long time from now, and you had pushed it from your mind. But the time has come and now… it would be so easy to close your eyes and pretend it was all a bad dream.

“Gil.” You repeat, your eyelids falling close.

“That's right, Little Rabbit.”

It's his voice that gusts across your lips. 

A nibble on your bottom lip and a longing sigh rises from your throat. It's his teeth that catches you, so familiar in pain and pleasure.

His tongue touches yours and you can almost believe that he's still there with you. Your mouths move together, chasing the memory of the man you love through clumsy movements that aren't quite right.

It hurts so much. Your chest aches and head throbs and you just want to forget. 

Fingers find clasps, and pull ties, and brush clothing from both of your bodies. Were they yours or his? Does it matter?

Teeth sink into flesh and tongue soothes the pain and your body responds to the training you've endured to appreciate the way his love feels on you. Marks blossom on your skin from his mouth that burns too hot.

Your eyes burn, tears forming between eyelids squeezed tight.

Your chest burns, bleeding out from the inside.

Your groin burns, desire whispering sweetly that if you just let go it'll be alright.

Think of him.

Think of him.

It hurts so, so much.

Your fingers tangle in his hair. His fingers push inside of you. You cry out his name as he rubs along your inner walls, exploring you for the first time, finding the places that cause you to buck into his hand and whimper and moan.

He learns quickly. He has always known.

New overlaps with old as your husband touches on memories from times before. Building that sweet ache in the pit of your belly. Causing your cunt to throb and drip making lewd sounds that your lusty moans overshadow.

You're on your back and he's over you. When did you lie down? He pulls his fingers out of you and you whimper in frustration. You were so close to covering the hurt in your heart with the pleasure of climax and he snatched it away.

He's gone.

A single sob breaks between your gasping breaths. Tears brim again between your closed eyelids. They fall hot, so hot down the sides of your face. You're empty. Alone.

His cock touches your wet folds and you crack your eyes to see your lover with damp lashes. He looks away and buries his face in your neck as he buries his cock inside of you. Your back arches and thighs cling to his hips, as he clings to you with strong arms and roaming hands.

He pumps into you and you can't help but rock with him to squeeze and drag and churn his dick inside of you. Fingers digging into his back. Nails biting skin. He gasps and whimpers and moans near your ear. You love to hear him. His teeth dig into you. It hurts so good.

You're not alone. Your voice grows louder. He's relentless. Pounding your sex and knocking every moan out of you. Biting you again, and again, and again. Your cunt clenching tight as the pressure in your pelvis reaches a tipping point.

His thrusts turn too eager. His rhythm lopes out of pace. But you're so, so close! Please! Just– “Ah! Gil!” His hot hands grip your hips and he slams into you finding his rhythm again and he moans and heat and orgasm and shivers and spasms snap through you.

Your thoughts go blank, flooded with relief from the throbbing from before. Euphoria washes over you, wave after wave as your cunt continues to clench sending another crashing over you, then another. Gil slowed down his pumping to ride out the squeezing milking his cock. And just as you finally thought you were coming to the end of your climax, Gil thrusts deeper, his pelvis flush against yours, trying to push further still as he spills his seed into you.

You gasp. He breathes heavily on top of you. You hold him pressed against you– too hot. So hot. He's stifling. He clings to you. He needs you to smother his own pain. Pain you understand because the both of you share it. Pain neither of you can ever talk about.

He's gone. The two of you are together but his absence in this room you share with your husband is felt, as if there was a void that could never be filled. You hold each other, your hearts bleeding for the same person. Silent tears will be shed and it hurts. So. So. Much.

[pelynas]

My personal Billy Lenz head canons cause he is like a fungus on my brain rn.

warnings for CSA, Abuse, neglect and child death!!!

to start with my interpretation of his backstory (this is where those warnings come in)

🩸From the moment of his birth his parents are indifferent to him as he was most likely an accident

🩸 he grows up a bit and their pretty neglectful already, but his parents start to become hostile, and act disgusted towards him when he starts showing signs of "not being right in the head" so to say.

🩸 he is basically used as his mother's punching bag when his fathers at work. Emotional and verbal abuse evolving into sexual and physical abuse.

🩸 This causes Billy to develop an extreme fear of women and as a result of this repetitive sexual abuse he's hypersexual.

🩸 His parents plan to have another child (one they actually want) and once his mother becomes pregnant, he gets moved to the attic his only contact with his parents now being when his mother comes up to take stuff out on him.

🩸 Agnes is born and the parents agree due to his unstable nature he should not be left alone with her even if he's in the attic it is too much of a risk.

🩸 cut to a couple of years later Agne's is now toddler aged able to talk a bit but still needing lots of care.

🩸 It is Christmas eve their mom goes out for some last-minute errands leaving a napping Agnes and Billy alone.

🩸 Billy creeps down to see Agnes he has probably done this before during the night he just wants to see the baby.

🩸 Agnes wakes up and starts crying confused about where her mom is and frightened seeing Billy as she does not recognise the dirty scraggly boy staring at her calling her pretty.

🩸Billy starts to panic and tries to quiet Agnes down both concerned for her getting in trouble for crying and for fear of his parents punishing him for upsetting the baby.

🩸 Billy grabs her pillow now feeling and starts to smother her she begs for him to stop she eventually goes quiet and limp.

🩸 Billy wraps her up in her blanket trying to delude to himself that she is still alive.

🩸 He brings the bundle that once was his little sister up to the attic.

🩸 Billy's parents come home at around the same time father panicking "you left Billy alone with Agnes!?" this panic spreading to both parents when they realise that Agnes is not in her room.

🩸 They call Billy down demanding to know where the baby is Billy reassures that she is okay in her relieved state Billy's mom calls him a good boy for the first and last time.

🩸 Billy brings down the bundle showing his parents that the baby is "alright".

🩸 in an emotional rage Billy's parents grab him and start to beat him and verbally berating him with more intensity than their usual filthy Billy's and other things of that nature.

🩸 They tell Billy to go back up the attic, but he instead goes into the kitchen and grabs a knife then the overwhelming impulse he has always been plagued with intensifies and he lunges stabbing his father to death his mother tries to run but gets cornered she tries to plead with him, but it doesn't work and she is also killed.

🩸 the front door still being partially open due to the parents panicking in their rush allows for the neighbours to hear the commotion they call the police.

🩸 What they find is a young delirious and bloody billy sitting rocking and singing to the cold bundle in his arms.

🩸 Billy is deemed mentally unwell and is sent to a mental institution where he spends the rest of his time.

🩸 When he turns 18, he gets moved out of the children's facility and into an adult one which is nearby the town in which Pi Kappa sig is located.

🩸 When he is 21 and it is around the Christmas season, he escapes he somehow finds some clothes so he can get out of the hospital mandated clothes.

🩸 then the events prior to and during the movie happen.

🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄🩸🎄

Yeah, sorry if that was a lot now, we can move onto the general head canons now that you have the context of my interpretation :D

🎄 He definitely has other mental health issues but something I am sure on based on my personal experience with them is that he has OCD and Autism.

🎄 Doesn't just bite his nails he devours them till their red raw.

🎄 Has quite wonky teeth and probably a good few cavities.

🎄Really sensitive to the light much prefers the dark.

🎄large areas can overwhelm him he much prefers confined spaces.

🎄has a big sweet tooth will eat candy and other packaged foods till hes nauseous.

🎄 Claude the cat has basicly become his emotional support animal Claude will come up to him when he's having his meltdowns breakdowns and other things like that.

🎄Speaking of cats, defiently more of a cat person dogs would be too loud for him.

🎄Also speaking of cat's I imagine him really really liking Tom and Jerry (I think they might have showed it as a treat in the kids institute) .

🎄He is kind of jealous of the sorority sisters the fact that they're his age living their lives normally he wants that.

🎄Simultaneously hypersexual and sex repulsed (God help him).

🎄 conflicted because he really enjoys christmas but it has such bad memories attached that it causes him to mentally spiral even worse than he usually does.

🎄as shown in one of the calls he wants to be stopped, he basicly feels trapped by his own mind and not in control of his own actions 99 percent of the time.

🎄 Has rare moments of lucidity, and after they go away he just feels worse.

🎄Desires connection with other people but feels too far gone and alienated for that to become a reality (which is my explanation for why I think he would use He/it)

🎄 Stims predominantly verbally (echolia) and physically (for example, biting and scratching himself or his turtleneck and fidgeting with his hands)

[idyllic-affections]

employee benefits.

summary. baizhu remains constantly attuned to his chronically ill employee and their needs. it is no surprise that he knows when they are unwell.

trigger & content warnings. chronic illness flare-up.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. fluff. baizhu & reader, qiqi & reader. 0.5k words. they/them pronouns for reader. this post is an expansion of invisible disability? it's rather visible to me.

author's thoughts. in celebration of me getting baizhu within 30 pulls and me getting to soak up all of his lore like a dry sponge would to water, heres some more baizhu content!! we love him in this household <33 he and kaveh are literally the REALEST genshin characters ever with the most relatable trauma and ideals like what the fuck man..... /lh

baizhu knows that some days, his junior herbalist just can't work; it's far too much for their body. he's had many such days himself. it's unavoidable and unpredictable—some days, his body doesn't function well even if he was completely fine the day before. the same applies to his young hire. as such, he is often the one able to see the signs as soon as the day begins.

"good morning, dr. baizhu, qiqi, changsheng," they greet, a tired smile on their face. their smile widens a little bit when qiqi tugs their sleeve to draw their attention before handing them a pastry.

"[name] needs to eat."

"hehe... yes, you're absolutely right, qiqi. thank you."

she hums, content, as they pat her head. she remains glued to their leg.

the way their chest rises and falls is blatantly irregular, as if they're trying to catch their breath. there's a slight tremble in their limbs as well. baizhu briefly wonders if qiqi is supporting their weight, if she's somehow, subconsciously aware that something is off about them this morning in particular.

"oh my," baizhu muses, observing their tired disposition. "did you not rest well?"

"what he's trying to say is that you look awful."

"jeez, it's this early and you're already bullying me, changsheng? gui isn't even here yet. it's too early... what did i do to deserve this?" they huff. "to be honest, i woke up feeling unwell. i don't know why. i just feel very weak today."

"hmm..." he's thinking. if they are unwell, he absolutely will not permit them to work, given that they may faint or collapse at any point. he simply doesn't want to see them hurt themselves. "well, there's still quite some time until we officially open. come. i'll examine you."

"do i get an employee discount?" they joked, to which he smiled.

"i won't be charging you."

"wha— no. i was joking. i was kidding. you can't not charge me. that's hardly fair, given that i can afford it. i know we're supposed to make things as easy and affordable for patients as possible, but i don't need those accomodations. i work here. i already have easy access to everything i need."

"don't be stubborn, [name]."

"i am stubborn, dr. baizhu. you can't be hypocritical and expect me to allow that."

silence. then, the liyuean doctor chuckles fondly. the way he gazes at them is soft.

what a handful they are.

"fine, fine. i'll take the cost from next month's pay, alright? just let me look at you. we can't have you collapsing on us today, now can we?"

a month later, they find something... oddly normal about their pay. not a single mora has been deducted.

"dr. baizhu, i love and respect you and would never doubt the things you say, but... you said you would take my examination cost from my next paycheck. this is the same amount of mora i get every month."

"oh, did i say that? hm, i can't seem to recall that conversation."

"...with all due respect, you're insufferable sometimes."

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

[mitraoki]

hi!!!! :> first i just wanna say i really love your writing, it's so cozy and comforting to me !! so i thought i'd request some comfort hcs, maybe geto (if u write for him!!) and gojo with an s/o on their period? if you're comfortable writing it ofc <3 hope you have a lovely day !!

when you're on your period. (jjk hcs!)

note; AAAAA hello anon!! i’m sooo glad you enjoy my writing!!!!🥺❤️i really hope i can offer you more comfort with these hcs you've requested!!! also my first time writing for geto so i hope you enjoy them! <333

requests are still open!

masterlist.

geto suguru.

+ okay i don't know why but just from the looks of it, geto is a professional. no doubt - you wouldn't even have to tell him about the basics - this man just KNOWS everything about periods. so imagine how easygoing is it for the both of you when it comes to taking care of you. (giggling and kicking my feet as i write this)

+ no one, and i mean NO ONE is allowed to disturb you while you're doing unwell. they're gonna have to get through your boyfriend first. 

+ little scenario i thought of: it was the around the beginning of your relationship with him when he realizes that you started complaining about your abdominal pains. he's concerned of course, but he also knows that if he starts to panic, he wouldn't be able to handle what you were going through. soon realizes it's possibly that time of the month (i told you, he's a genius.) prince charming right here makes sure he guides you to the bathroom safe and sound, standing right in front of the door, just in case you call out for him. 

+ SUCH A SWEETHEART!!! this dude makes sure to ask if you were okay when he doesn't hear any sign of you from the outside. doesn't want to breach your privacy. reassurance if you ever need it too. he has also heard of cases where people have passed out while on their periods, so once again, no risking anything. he's quick to his feet, getting you whatever you asked him for. 

+ guides you to your bed if the pain is severe. there's just something about the way geto takes care of you - he doesn't want to pry too much by asking you tons of questions, but he also doesn't want to leave you be. 'do you need anything, dearest?' he questions. soon after he returns with a heating pad, painkillers, warm water (tea if you're up for it) and your favorite snacks. plants a kiss on your forehead (because you once claimed that his kisses always make you feel better, so he's had that habit ever since <3) EVEN offers to stay with you if you need it PLSPLSPLS-

+ if he's out and about and you need some supplies, never be afraid to ask him!!! he understands that periods are a monthly thing, and it is nothing to be embarrassed about. definitely knows your preferred menstrual products. if you think he's only going to return with what you requested, no chance. 'never wrong to spoil my angel,' he shrugs. 

gojo satoru.

+ NO BECAUSE the first thing when i thought of gojo is him asking you 'what pussy size are you' IM SORRY OKAY 😭😭he loves you a lot though i promise you that. i would say gojo is a little underexperienced when it comes to periods. although he would do anything to keep himself informed, especially since he is confident he will spend the rest of his life with you <3 

+ unlike geto, gojo would panic. worried too. how are your uterus walls discharging? and it's blood too. oh god how is his s/o handling the pain... you'll be okay right? man it doesn't look like it but gojo overthinks till his brain reaches full capacity. so he asks. and he will continue asking until he makes sure he's prepared for your future menstrual cycles. 

+ i feel like this little fear of his developed from the time when you were unwell, and he was left in a spiral of guilt as he wasn't able to provide proper help. it happened when he was out on a mission too so in a state of panic, he had shoko/nobara/maki provide you with some help. one thing i can say though is that the exact moment he was done with whatever he was tasked to do, he had never rushed home as quickly until that very day. 

+ 'i don't want you to blame yourself gojo. i know you've not handled situations like these before, but it's nothing too serious,' you'd told him, before adding, 'god you look famished. take a breather, honey.' he was pretty stubborn that day too. 'serious or not, i don't want anything bad to happen to you. i wasn't even here to help.'

+ waves of guilt shone in his eyes. despite his confident, charming demeanor he presents to you everyday, in the end he's just another human being. people tend to forget that about him, and he manages to trust you enough to let his complete guard down. holding his hand, you stated, 'you have, satoru. and when you need it, i can always guide you through it.' 

+so ever since then, he has your dates marked in HIS calendar, makes sure your supplies are restocked up to date. your favorite snacks out of stock in a certain store? don't you ever worry about that - gojo has his ways. will definitely inquire more about periods with the girls i mentioned earlier. ensures you're not alone when he's outside. oh but when he's at home, he lays right next to you. loves it when he's able to place his hand on your stomach when you need it <3 keep in mind that his series of questions would continue too. all he wants is to be able to provide you with literally anything.

+ and despite all this, HE'S SO GOOD at handling your mood swings. it seriously does not bother him. i don't know what he's on either, but i can tell people come to him just to ask him about how he does it so easily. you're pretty surprised yourself. angry? no problem, he can find a way. crying? he's got your back. tired and in pain? a breeze, really. gojo stumbles quite a lot when it comes to learning something new, but give him some time and he's already up and running. what can i say? he is in love.

all created content belongs to mitraoki. reposts/remakes are not allowed.

[tojikai]

PLS I JUST READ CATHARSIS IMMEDIATELY

Satoru, I know that’s your mother but really???? She just happened to be around an amusement park at the same time Y/N and Yui were there with a friend? Literally ONE interaction with his mother and already there was stress. He should’ve arranged something the second his mother tried to force her way into Y/N’d apartment if he couldn’t be there himself.

That woman has proven she’d allow her son to be assaulted if it meant keeping him away from Y/N, did he not expect her to do something traumatic to Yui to hurt Y/N? Because her actions to me throughout the entire story says that she cares more about hurting and removing Y/N from their lives more than “protecting” her family.

Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right and he allowed his own personal feelings to endanger his daughter. Satoru really let them down by not taking precautions IMO. His mother is clearly unwell and because of her, he lost his family. AGAIN.

Is this canon to the Sundered series? Or is this more of a “what-if” scenario? I know you haven’t said there’d be a part two for this in the post, so I’ll treat it as an open-ended ending. The universe managed to reunite Y/N and Satoru again, he better not fuck it up because I WILL make him remember chapter 236 if he keeps this shit up 😭

Now that I’m back on my essay shit, Kai I really missed you and your beautiful brain. It’s been so lovely to see you active on my timeline lately and I hope that life has been kind to you. I hope that isn’t too much but seeing you on my feed definitely brightens up my day so I hope that you’re also getting that kick of happiness from the things that you enjoy as well ❤️

Thank you for this chapter and another thank you to the person who commissioned you to write this, otherwise we wouldn’t have this at all. Hope you’re both doing well 🥰

the only way to contain Satoru's mom is to jail her LMAO if he let it happen when she almost got him assaulted, it wouldn't have come to this😭 tbh Satoru's mother just wants Y/N out of their lives, it's really fucked up. and Satoru, no matter how hard he tries, he has to accept the fact that if he wants to keep his family, he cannot keep his mother around them. with the kind of brain his mother has, oh NO. his father doesn't even want to be with his mother😭 as for canon or not, idk, i mean i can see this happening once his mother's restraining order's lifted soo you guys can look at it like its a part of the main sundered series.

i missed your essays sooo much😭 i missed answering asks and just generally being back here and writing🥺💕 i am always grateful to you and to everyone here who support my works, y'all are angels !! so far, life's been getting better. bit by bit, but it's still progress. thank you so much for your kind words, and yep, my commissioner, thank you for trusting me and my writing, it helped a lot too<3 anwayss, i'm happy to hear from you again, i enjoyed reading this !! i hope that you're doing well~!! ♥

[batsplat]

Bat……baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttt. The Casey / vale web weave….oh my got I am unwell 🥲🥹🥲🥹 truly outdid yourself on that one holy hell

:))))) thank youuuu exactly the feeling i'm trying to evoke

obviously this specific topic is one where i could like... go at it again from a completely different angle with plenty of other material, like it's such a rich mine of parallels. i mean the big parallel between agassi and casey is of course the whole 'hating the sport they dedicated their lives to' thing - and we have valentino being baffled at agassi's pov, which!! if you read the quote about valentino going 'well EYE could never hate motorcycle racing' then that has such rich implications for the casey/valentino dynamic, like agassi almost acts as this fun little proxy that allows valentino to say things he wouldn't say directly *about casey*. and pair THAT with valentino thinking casey isn't a romantic rider and all the riders today are too serious and sad..... huh. thinking

anyway that was one thing i barely touched... another bit i was thinking about is that obviously comparing the 1995 us open final with 2008 laguna seca does involve a bit of artistic license in that casey sticks clear from describing the laguna loss in quite such apocalyptic terms. idk if casey was really 'fantasising about retirement', though... i mean, he could have been!! i think one thing that is so special about agassi is that he's actually willing to SAY stuff like that, like i've said this before but his gift is this real vulnerability where he's also willing to kinda make himself look weak, look like an idiot. like emphasising how extremely not seriously he took sampras before the 1990 us open final!! and i don't mean this as a BAD thing, but casey is just not capable of that kind of emotional honesty - certainly not publicly. like agassi is just definitely a lot more self-aware. and... if you're describing this loss as the turning point of your entire career, saying again and again how everything changed... i am still going to do a PROPER laguna post, hopefully in the next few weeks, but i think the more time you spend thinking about that race the more you begin to understand just why it was so emotionally devastating to casey. it doesn't send him on a competitive spiral the way it does with agassi. but you also need to not just pay attention to what casey's literally saying and also how often he's saying it and why he's framing it that way. he has a real morbid fascination with that race that to me did really remind me of the 1995 us open agassi experience. unlike agassi, he doesn't see it as a 'deserved' loss, so the bitterness and frustration is definitely DIFFERENT... but yeah. for both of them it is The Loss. it is valentino's great betrayal

and speaking of laguna 2008, if there was one quote i really would have liked to include but couldn't quite justify sneaking in, it's what valentino's crew chief jb said about that race in 2010 (x):

MM: I remember watching Rossi and Stoner through Turn 1. Rossi would come out of the final corner ahead, Stoner would start catching him and Rossi would slide across leaving Stoner only the outside line around Turn 1. JB: It wasn't a case of offering him anything, that was the only place to pass, it was a case of not giving him the ideal line. So if Casey was going to pass Valentino round a corner, it was going to be the long way round, which is the only place to pass, unless you do it in the braking area. My feeling at the time was that Casey probably only had one game plan, and having watched Casey over the years, he doesn't have a plan B. If it doesn't go his way from the outset, it's probably one of the weaknesses that he had through the youth that he had, through the lack of experience that he had. That's not a criticism of him per se, he was still only 22 at the time. And that was it, it was clearly a tactical race. They both cleared off in the vicinity of 20 seconds ahead of Chris Vermeulen, and Casey was able to pick it up after slipping off at Turn 11 and still finish second.

again this is something that will very much feature when i get around to properly dissecting that race, but to me this is crazy revealing on several levels. i mean, first off, i do always enjoy jb being a bit of a dick about valentino's rivals. i like the slagging off, i like it even more when he basically does some of valentino's psychological warfare *for him* like with jorge in 2009, i think it's a cute relationship and it's just conceptually kinda fun to have valentino's crew chief being so ride-or-die for him on the feuding front. like they quite simply do not make crew chiefs like that any more

secondly, i find the parallels with catalunya 2009 interesting in that jb is basically also calling casey too rigid - cf jorge not thinking anyone could pass at montmelo's final corner. again, it's valentino fighting against opponents who may well be faster than him (especially when it comes to casey) but just having this... creativity, intellectual flexibility going for him. casey needs to have a plan b, casey thought he was going to win that race easily, casey couldn't react when he was challenged

thirdly, obviously this does come round to playing into the whole ambition vs talent theme, where casey is this wild raw inexperienced talent who valentino bests with his brains and grit. keeps coming back to that somehow!! idk i know i've talked about this again and again but i just think it's neat to have what essentially amounts to a 'catchphrase' of a rivalry that also basically provides *the* central theme. and if there is one bit of wildly underappreciated casey/vale lore, it is that casey preempted his most infamous line THREE years earlier. like i swear *nobody* ever talks about this, including the guy who wrote the article where i found the quote, but casey literally says "in laguna he let his ambition to win take control over his technique"!! it's so fascinating!!

it does ofc confirm that jerez 2011 wasn't just some kind of spur of the moment bout of poetic genius. it's something casey had been stewing on for years!! casey feels at laguna 2008 that he *should* have won because he was FASTER, goes on a tear in the media, gets massive backlash, has to apologise to valentino, and then bides his time for several years to get the blow in when he is given the opportunity. in some ways it's so valentino-esque, like he's learning to bide his time from the very best. it's fantastic!! the whole thing's fantastic, it is so revealing. which, idk, to some extent the ambition vs talent thing is obviously a framing casey plays into himself - but to some extent it's a framing he finds deeply frustrating because obviously he does *not* enjoy the flip side of that contrast and the implication he is either less intelligent or less mentally tough. that's why it's so interesting that the one word casey used to describe himself is calculating, which does reject that particular dichotomy!! nyhh

fourthly, i feel like we do need to address the "one of the weaknesses that he had through the youth that he had" line. the jb/casey relationship forms such an interesting backdrop to this rivalry, where obviously they kindaaa knew each other and jb MAYBE would have liked to work with casey if valentino had fucked off to f1 and there was that whole quirky element of casey's italian team vs valentino's australian team and casey feeling a bit territorial over his home race and then casey becoming extremely resentful towards jb in those last few years to the point where jb gets slagged off in casey's autobiography... idk, obviously it's a throwaway line but i can't help it, i can't not be interested in valentino's crew chief basing his psychological profile of casey in part on what casey's childhood/adolescence was like, ofc implying that this is something jb is very much aware of

and if you're saying casey is intellectually rigid and doesn't have a back-up plan because of what his youth was like then that means... what, exactly? idk i think you can read that in several ways - and it really does reveal a certain level of thought being put into casey's psychology!! and if you think about jb's role as valentino's proxy and how they ofc hatched The Laguna Plan together and again that remark valentino made about young riders closing up and becoming serious and sad because they were being put under too much pressure... i mean, look, it's obviously not a big revelation that valentino put some serious thought into casey's psychology, like i reckon you can figure it out if you simply. watch that race. but yeah, just getting these little hints confirming it, of valentino carefully studying casey like the intricate puzzle he was... i might be off-base here but my personal interpretation is that... i think valentino *did* see casey's joylessness as a weakness of sorts, this seriousness born from the pressure casey had been put under as something that limited his creativity. treating racing too much as a profession and not a passion, a struggle to adapt to valentino uprooting the status quo...

idk, i obviously am deeply compelled by both valentino and casey watching and studying each other so closely, even though we have heard way more of the conclusions that casey has drawn than vice versa. i think that's really the magic of laguna 2008 - and by extension the entire rivalry - the specificity of the whole thing. the race would not work so well if it involved any other two riders than valentino and casey, it relies on the build-up, it relies on the precise conclusions valentino has drawn about casey's psyche and where he decides to attack him, it relies on casey's complicated and at times tortured feelings towards valentino. it relies on that dichotomy between wild talent and ruthless cunning, it relies on the faster rider losing the race. it relies on that specific track and its specific character. i kinda feel like that makes the race pretty unique where the whole thing depends... so heavily on the specific contours of their relationship, of how they match up as athletes, like if you altered a single detail you would make the whole thing worse. it's such a rich text!!

even though i don't understand shit about motogp, i am always someone who likes to analyse my sports first and foremost As Sports. like i think you can kinda get rich narratives anywhere, you can get them in plenty of fiction i've been told, but crucially the thing about sports is that it's such a controlled playground with these specific modes of interactions and structures and rules shaping the landscape of the narrative. and when i'm looking at sports rivalries, what i really want to see is how interpersonal relations and even, y'know, Themes TM are expressed through the *fabric* of the sport itself. which obviously is extremely easy for me to do with tennis, and i do think tennis is also kinda ideal for that given how interactional the sport is at its very core - the cliche goes that tennis is a game of match-ups. every single match is a deeply rich text that i can analyse if i am so inclined - though there the sports element is unfortunately often a lot more compelling than any sort of overarching narrative. with motogp, i do need a bit more hand-holding. i think what makes laguna 2008 so great for both new and veteran fans of the sport is that it's so *visceral*. you see this relationship and the emotions behind it play out in front of your eyes with relatively little knowledge of the intricacies of motorcycle racing needed. you are immediately dropped into the narrative, you are immediately presented with these two contrasting characters in violent combat - you immediately learn so much about them. you watch them learning about each other. it's great!! guys, it's so great. they're so great

[dutifullyshamelessearthquake]

Hi Earthquake! I have two more sickfic ideas for you, one has Lyney (my beloved) and Kazoo

Lyney gets a stress cause tummy ache due to a big performance he has coming up! I already imagine him having a sensitive tummy, and stress definitely can definitely get out of hand and make him physically ill in my headcanons. But he has Lumine to help him out, cue the cute caretaking moments.

Kazoo is trying his best to take care of Gorou whil he’s sick and gets sick himself. I know it’s cliche, but I think it’s still a really good trope! Imagine; Kazuha doing his best to take care of his partner while he’s really unwell, and ends up getting sick himself. He does his best to hide it to not worry Gorou until he gets even worse than Gorou and CANT hide it anymore.

I know it’s all really cliche and a bit overdone, but I still loveee these tropes. Good luck on Sicktember too!

-(◍•ᴗ•◍)♡ anon

Ahhh Anon, these ideas are both so good!!

Lyney absolutely has an anxious stomach, I stand by that headcanon. Stomach aches and mild nausea surrounding his performances are completely normal, and he probably avoids mentioning these to Lumine, because she will mother-hen him. He actually finds a lot of comfort in her fussing, but Lyney being Lyney, he instinctually just doesn't allow himself to be vulnerable like that.

It takes a particularly intimidating or big performance to give him enough anxiety to the point of being physically sick from it. (I actually have a plan to bring this up in a future fic, but it won't be any time soon... It's a big multi-chapter project, think the length of Through the Snow, so I'm not sure when I'll have the time to actually bring it to life!)

Also the Kazugorou idea!! They're super open to each other, so I could see this idea fitting into a more early relationship setting. Kazuha knows by this point that Gorou doesn't do well with illness and Gorou's already sick, so he concludes that it would just be easier on Gorou if he keeps it to himself. Bad choice, my boy 😭

Argh I love these!! Thank you for the brainrot anon, I'm going to be thinking about these a lot!!

[circus-complex]

Glass Mind | 4/?

Rating: Teen+

Relationship: Feng Xin/Mu Qing

Tags: feng xin falls ill, mu qing has to care for him, they may be ooc, Post-Canon, but the timeline is kinda all over the place, Does this count as a sickfic?, Temporary Amnesia, Mutual Pining, Feng Xin is dealing with grief and shoving it aside, Mu Qing doesn't know what he feels

Feng Xin falls ill, messing with his head. Mu Qing tasks himself with taking care of him, as well as finding a cure

Updates every other week on Sunday

Also on AO3

Full chapter under the cut

“Mu Qing, have you seen Shi Wudu?” Shi Qingxuan trudged up to the Martial God. Her eyes were red-rimmed.

“No, I’m sorry,” Mu Qing tried his best to sound empathetic, but cold enough to shut the conversation down. Could he have a moment alone? Please?

“Is Feng Xin better yet? Ming-xiong said Shi Wudu was last spotted in the southeast,” Shi Qingxuan tipped her head to the left. God dammit, why couldn’t she catch the hint! Mu Qing knew damn well she had unrivaled social skills, why was now the time to chatter?

“I- Yes, but he’s still unwell. He’s not really in a state to converse.” Mu Qing started to walk away.

Shi Qingxuan followed his brisk pace. “Ah, that. That reminds me, Ming-xiong-”

Ming-xiong this, Ming-xiong that, did she ever shut up about him!?

"-once got hit by a delusion curse. You might want to ask him about it!”

The wind master waved and turned around, leaving Mu Qing to ponder her words. He’d never spoken to the earth master before, but perhaps they had the same cause. Mu Qing hadn’t heard about this, but if such a formidable god had been hit by such a curse, wouldn’t have the whole of heaven? Perhaps he wanted to keep it under wraps, but no matter. If it was the same, it might speed up getting Feng Xin back to normal.

Perfect. He’ll speak with Ming Yi that afternoon. But right now, all Mu Qing wanted was to be alone.

He walked along the roads of heaven, until he reached the Heavenly Garden.

It was a quiet place. Rarely visited or touched, tended to by the occasional god. But it didn’t need any care, each flower was pristine, each leaf was perfectly placed. A large cherry blossom tree bloomed in the center. Mu Qing sat down underneath it, letting the flowers dance across his vision. He closed his eyes and began to meditate.

Mu Qing stayed in the garden until the sun was high in the sky. Opening his eyes once again, he picked himself up to walk towards the palace of Ming Yi.

Waiting by the gates of the palace, he was greeted by a nervous little junior official. She opened the door just enough for him to converse, before calling Ming Yi over.

“You’re wondering what curse I was under?” Ming Yi glared at Mu Qing.

“Yes. I want to know if it has anything to do with Feng Xin,” He glared right back at the earth master.

Ming Yi huffed and uncrossed his arms. He stepped aside, allowing Mu Qing into his palace.

The entry room was, well, the only word for it was cold . Ming Yi had painted the walls a deep blue, but instead of being comforting and calm, it seemed eerie. Like the walls would drown you. Despite whoever he saw earlier, no attendants ran through the halls. Furniture was sparse.

He was guided into a sitting room. There was a simple green rug on the floor, and a single couch. Shi Qingxuan sat there, looking slightly disheveled but fine.

“Come, sit!” Shi Qingxuan patted the cushion next to her. Mu Qing glanced towards Ming Yi, who gave a slight nod. He sat down, and Ming Yi remained standing.

“Could you please tell me about this curse?” Mu Qing inquired.

“Why couldn’t you have just read the report?” Ming Yi muttered. Not under his breath, it was meant to be heard. But it wasn’t directed towards anyone.

“There weren't any reports about any curse you were under. Unless Ling Wen misplaced it?” Mu Qing sniped back.

“Ming-xiong! Just tell him,” Shi Qingxuan pouted.

“Fine.”

She really has him wrapped around her finger, doesn’t she?

“It was probably two hundred years ago. Essentially, I was searching around since I’d been getting prayers complaining of people going mad. I stumbled upon a small fox spirit’s domain. I was trapped inside, and what I saw was nonsensical. At some point, I managed to get out. Thinking about it now, the fox let me go quite easily.

“When I got back to the heavenly capital, everything was off. At first, people would show up and randomly disappear, or colors would shift. I assumed nothing was wrong, but it got worse. And it got worse fast.

Suddenly I’d be in a forest while working. Or people would transform into bugs. No warning, and it was like I was back in the fox’s domain all over again. It went from lasting minutes to days. It consumed my life. But I couldn’t ask for help - whenever I tried, invisible bubbles would foam up and choke me. No matter what form. Spiritual communication array, spoken, written.

“Luckily, Qingxuan noticed. She dug through my recent whereabouts, found the fox spirit, and killed it. All the illusions went away after that.”

Shi Qingxuan smiled at Ming Yi. Ming Yi gave a small nod in response.

“So, I should just figure out what cursed Feng Qing and kill it?” Mu Qing asked.

“Yes, that will do,” Ming Yi replied flatly.

“Very well. Where did you find the fox spirit last time?”

Ming Yi averted his eyes, “I don’t know. There was definitely a transportation array set up, but I found the start around the ruins of a Xian Le temple.”

The room stilled. Silence buzzed in Mu Qing’s ears. Neither Shi Qingxuan or Ming Yi looked at him.

“Ah, well. That’s good to know.” Mu Qing pushed down the wave of anxiety flooding his chest. “Does Ling Wen have any more information regarding this?”

“No. The fox couldn’t talk, no matter how hard we tried to get answers out. I went back to investigate the area but there was nothing nearby. I suspect it had used passive possession to curse me, then left the host. But I’d recognize it anywhere – it had a large white stripe running down its back. Nothing like I’d ever seen before.” Ming Yi shrugged.

“Then I shall investigate on my own. Good luck on finding your brother.” Mu Qing stood up to leave. Ming Yi didn’t object, leading him to the door.

[infinitelibraryofheadcanons]

Male Sun Haven residents with a s/o who has anxiety

Hi everyone, I'm back! My apologies for the lack of posts recently, I have been a bit busy with things. But now I'm back to continue the "s/o with anxiety" series! This time with the male Sun Haven residents. I hope you enjoy!

~~~

Jun

- Oh, this man knows anxiety in and out. He's a counselor after all.

- So he would do lots of breathing exercises with his partner or set up an easel and a canvas to let them paint their feelings out.

- He's very gentle about it too. If Jun finds out about the anxiety before a big attack happens, he will ask what he can do to help and build a little "support box" with his partner, so they have tools to help themselves if Jun isn't around.

Nathaniel

- Nathaniel might seem like he's clueless about mental health things, but he has supported the new recruits before and given them advice, so he's not entirely in the dark - but not an expert either.

- So when it comes to his partner, he notices the signs quite early and gets them out of the situation immediately. In Nathaniel's mind, a change of scenery is always a good thing when it comes to this stuff. He would take them to the forest or a nearby waterfall, sit down somewhere and try to talk about it.

- He is also very open to cuddling in those situations. Even if his armor isn't the most comfortable...

Wornhardt

- Wornhardt is no stranger to anxiety - he probably suffers from it himself. Even though he does a lot to prevent his own anxiety, mainly through a healthy diet, it still catches up to him sometimes. Therefore he already has a toolkit for himself, which he doesn't mind sharing with his partner.

- This toolkit is very big - from scented candles and herbs to stress toys and candy, Wornhardt has it all. If he's at home, he'll let his partner play with Charlie while he makes some nice herbal tea for the both of them.

- Then, once the tea is done, it's time for cuddling. Lots and lots of gentle touch and comforting words. Wornhardt can be incredibly gentle and soft, but it's a side he only really shows in private. On top of this, he only really allows himself to be silly with his partner - tickling and pillow fights are rare occasions, but they do happen.

Liam

- Liam suffers with his partner, period. Having to run the bakery and take care of his sisters at the same time is a lot of stress, so he's glad to have his partner around - even if they get overwhelmed sometimes too.

- When both of them are feeling under the weather, Liam will invite his s/o to bake with him. Not for the bakery per se, but just for themselves. He'll close the bakery for the day and spend the morning baking with them and goofing around a little bit.

- Then, in the afternoon or evening, Liam will take his partner and his sisters out to a field for a picnic with the baked goods. He loves seeing his sisters run around the field and enjoys spending time with his partner in this relaxing environment.

Claude

- Claude is mostly alone and completely fine with that, but it would be a lie to say that he never feels unwell mentally. Though, with anxiety in particular, his experience is very limited.

- So when he notices his partner feeling under the weather, he will invite them to listen to him play some music or put on one of his favorite records.

- He will even go down to Liam's bakery and buy some sweets for his partner. Yes, he would willingly go out and talk to people. As long as it isn't too far away from his mansion of course...

~~~

Again, it's a lot of fun to write these! Next up are the female Sun Haven residents. Let me know how you like this series and if you want me to do the residents from Nel'Vari and Withergate too!

See you next time!

~Curator Silver

[decks-writing-blog]

The Borealis: Chapter One: How Do You Know That?

Summary: Gordon and Alyx go to the arctic to find the Borealis.

[A/N] First a disclaimer: I haven't beat Half-Life Alyx yet. I started it the same day I started writing this fic but then I got Covid and injured my side coughing. Thus there was a solid 3 week span in which I couldn't play it because I was too physically unwell to do so, thus I finished this fic without having finished the game. I know how it ends though (I accidentally got spoiled before I even started playing) but because I don't know the context surrounding that, I chose to go about achieving the same thing in a different way. Especially since said different way allows for a good opening to this fic and lets me treat the other 2 Gordon focused HL fics I've written to be canon to this fic (you don't have to read those to understand this one though). So basically, if this fic contradicts something in Alyx, that's why. I'm able to play again though (thankfully, I've been itching to continue because I love the game) so I might be able to catch some of that in editing but we'll see because I play VR games quite slowly.

Second: Half-Life 3 confirmed! Yeah, yeah, old joke, but it's relevant to me now so I'm making it again. Basically I was super frustrated that we're never going to get a canon conclusion to the Half-Life story (the Epistle 3 doesn't count, it directly contradicts what is now canon thanks to Alyx and would've changed drastically during the development of the game, so it doesn't satisfy me at all) so I thought it might be fun try to write a conclusion to the story myself. I didn't write it as a 'video game story' because it's not a video game, thus it's not really me trying to write Half-Life 3. Just me taking where Ep 2 left off and continuing the story, focusing more on the characters and their relationship because character focused writing is my strength and what I enjoy writing the most. That being said, this fic did actually push my writing skills a bit, I feel like I've improved because of it.

Also Content Warning for the fic as a whole but it also opens with Temporary Major Character Death. (Which is why the Keep Reading cut is right under this author's note.) Time resets and Gordon comes back when he dies, he Kills Himself a few times to accomplish this. Also, another far less severe warning but potentially still important: OCs pop up throughout the fic as the plot demands so if you're hard against OCs in fanworks, maybe this fic ain't for you.

~

Alyx sobbed over Eli’s body, pressing on his chest rhythmically… or attempting to be rhythmic, she was too frantic, sobbing too hard. Not that that mattered; the blood pooling on the ground, leaking from the hole in the back of Eli’s head made it clear just how futile that effort at resuscitation was regardless of how good it was. One couldn’t be expected to think rationally after watching a loved one die.

Shaking off the last of the dizziness, Gordon sat up. He fumbled along the ground until he found where his pistol, usually magnetized to the HEV suit’s leg, had fallen to. Lifting it, he pressed it to his forehead. Killing himself was in ways worse than someone or something else killing him but that didn’t make it any less necessary. If he had this power, he was obligated to use it for good.

Closing his eyes, he focused. Right after the rocket launch, before they stepped outside would be a good spot to return to. He pulled the trigger.

As always, he blessedly didn’t hear the gunshot or feel the bullet enter his brain; it was too fast for human senses to register, making it in other ways the best way to reset time. Instead, one second Alyx was sobbing desperately, the next everyone was congratulating themselves and each other on the successful launch of the rocket. Again to Gordon but to them it would be the first time; he was the only one who ever remembered.

Opening his eyes, he stood in front of the rocket’s command console. Through the window the trail of the rocket was still visible, the portal already dissipating. A victory for sure, one he wasn’t going to let be ruined by Eli’s or anyone else’s death.

He knocked on the desk with the metal part of the HEV suit’s glove, getting everyone’s eyes on him. Not something he did often, it was easier to let people talk even if he’d heard it before – it often gave him time to rest, even if it was only for a little while and not a proper sit down or nap – but given where the Advisors had come from it might be possible to get the jump on them instead of the other way around.

“Two Advisors are coming,” he signed. “Or are already here, waiting on the hanger roof.”

The smiles on everyone’s face dimmed. “How would you know that?” Eli, blessedly alive and well again, asked. “Not that I doubt you but… I suppose I perhaps shouldn’t ask.”

Gordon had considered telling them about his dying and resetting thing several times now but… there was no need to burden anyone else with his suffering or the news that he’d watched them die. And so it was indeed best not to ask how he knew because he wasn’t going to answer.

“I don’t see how they could possibly be here and us not know about it,” Mangusson said. “But fine, I’ll send someone to go look.”

“Send Dog.” If he could get the jump on one or both of the Advisors again, their chances were better. “I’ll go too. You,” Gordon indicated Eli, “stay with here with him.” He pointed to Kleiner.

Before Eli could try to protest or agree to the order, Alyx cut in. “You should listen to him, Dad. He knows things sometimes. It saved our lives on the way here more than once.”

“I’m inclined to agree,” Dr. Kleiner said, stepping up next to Eli. “Gordon did just kill a whole armada of striders after all. So if he says there’s danger and you should hang back, it’s probably wise to listen.”

Whether Eli even wanted to try to voice a protest or not, Gordon was already headed through the door. Alyx wasn’t far behind. As she paused to whistle for Dog, Gordon continued forward to the hanger. Upon stepping into it, it looked just as innocuous as it had before. No mental pulse, bringing a headache and distorted vision. Perhaps the Advisors were getting better at reigning that in. Unfortunate in that it meant it wouldn’t be as easy as Gordon had been thinking to know when one was nearby.

Continuing forward, he kept his eyes glued on the window the Advisors had seemingly come through. Not bothering with the elevator, he vaulted over the railing, landing with a clank on the hanger floor. He approached the helicopter.

Nothing… nothing… A loud clatter came from the roof. A moment later one of the windows shattered as Dog, clutching one of the Advisors came spiraling through it. Dog’s spare claw ripped at what looked like its face, pulling bits off, thick oil like blood oozing out.

“Holy shit.” Alyx’s voice came the right, seemingly by the entrance. “Gordon, you were right. Get him Dog! Fuck him up!”

Gordon pulled out and unpacked the rocket launcher. The second one had to be… Ah, there it was, floating through the broken window, perhaps giving chase. He loaded a rocket, aimed, and fired. With how close it was, there was no way it didn’t hit. … Except, moments before contact, the rocket veered, curving off to just barely miss instead. Damn it. Fighting these things wasn’t going to be easy, huh?

The Advisor’s trajectory changed, coming quickly towards him instead. Pain pulsed in his head, his vision blurring. The rocket launcher landed at his feet with a clatter as a now familiar force pushed on his body. It locked his limbs to his sides as it forced him up against the wall once more. Struggling was futile but he did it anyway, thrashing as much as the telekinetic force holding him would let him. Which wasn’t much.

Somewhere Alyx shouted something and a gun went off. The Advisor made a pained sound as just for a moment, the force holding Gordon vanished. It came again before he could even finish falling, pressing into his chest and making it hard to breath.

He slid along the wall, his HEV suit scraping loudly against it as the Advisor moved toward the entrance and thus presumably Alyx. A moment later she was crying out again as she was pushed up next to him. And then they were moving again, the Advisor holding them against the wall as it moved towards where Dog was seemingly finishing off its companion.

Said counterpart Gordon couldn’t see particularly well from this angle but it was on the floor, partially deflated, its blood pooling around it as it twitched and shuddered. Atop it, Dog, seemed to deem he’d done enough before turning and… too late, the second Advisor was in range. Dog’s attempted leap towards it ended abruptly, leaving him hovering in the air, held so tight, he couldn’t move.

His form shuddered and shook for a second before with a ear piercing screech of tearing metal, his body tore apart and crumpled. The light in his eye dimmed and went out before he was dropped to land in a crumpled heap of metal and still sparking wires. No sign of movement.

“Dog!” Alyx screamed, struggling just as uselessly as when she’d tried to save Eli.

With a sigh, Gordon gave up, going limp as the Advisor’s supernatural grip would let him. He’d messed up again. For how much everyone revered him, he did that a lot. If anyone knew even the half of it, they likely wouldn’t look up to him so much. Hopefully his death this time would be fast.

The Advisor turned its attention back onto the two of them. It pulled Gordon towards itself. Good; watching Alyx die was always hard.

“Don’t you dare! Leave him alone!”

If the Advisor was even capable of understanding human speech, it showed no sign of it as its tentacle slipped out of it head towards Gordon. He would’ve told Alyx to look away but well… he couldn’t. Perhaps closing his eyes would be wise but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do that either.

It turned him, eliminating the temptation to look anyway by making it impossible to as it nosed at the back of his neck. Wet and slimy, he shuddered a moment before something sharp and needle like extended out of it, forcing its way through skin and bone. His whole body jerked with it, spasming in the Advisor’s telekinetic grip. Only for a moment as as all sensation vanished, leaving him utterly numb. A pressure built in his head, almost like it was about to…

Blinking open his eyes, he was back in the rocket control room. He flexed his hands, working the shakes out of them as he took deep breaths to steady himself as best he could. Curling up in a ball and crying about it never helped anyone. If anything, with how respected he now was, it’d make it worse. Also, he just plain didn’t have time to freak out about dying for the umpteenth time even if it was a new an awful way to do so. He had to stop thinking about it.

He’d failed again but he had learned something. The Advisors could be defeated and their telekinesis had a range, a seemingly fairly short one. So he just had to get the jump on both of them and stay out of their range otherwise. Easier said than done but it was far from the first time he’d had to do something seemingly impossible. With infinite tries anything was possible. … Hopefully he wouldn’t need infinite though. Dying sucked.

Once he had himself as in control as he could make himself, he knocked the back of the desk again, once more interrupting the chatter around him. “Two Advisors on the hanger roof,” he signed. “I need Dog to help take them out. You and you,” he indicated Eli and Kleiner, “stay here.” He turned and headed for the exit.

“Wait. How do you know that?” It was Magnusson who asked this time.

Gordon didn’t bother to respond.

“We should listen to him,” Alyx said as he paused at the door, holding it for her. “He knows things sometimes. It saved our lives on the way here more than once. So we’ll handle whatever it is, don’t worry about it.”

“I’m inclined to…” Kleiner began, the rest of his sentence being cut off as the door closed behind Alyx.

She whistled for Dog as they came to a stop a short distance away. He came bounding over from wherever he’d been waiting for her. “They’re on the hanger roof, you said?”

“Yes. I want Dog to throw me at one of them while he jumps the other.”

“Uh… that sounds dangerous. Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Dog had proven twice now that the Advisors couldn’t use their telekinesis when too distracted. Gordon just had to do the same thing Dog did and they could kill both… theoretically.

Alyx frowned. “How do you know that? I mean… you were right about other times the Combine jumped us, yeah, but this is awfully specific. Not that I don’t trust you but… you know.”

If Gordon were to ever tell anyone, it’d be her. Her knowing would be helpful in some instances but… as long as she continued to trust him and would do as he asked without an explanation, he wouldn’t burden her. Dying over and over to prevent the true death of others was his trial to endure, not talking about it made it easier to bear. So… “Trust me.”

“Okay.” She sighed and turned to Dog. “Dog, there are two Advisors on the hanger roof. Gordon wants you to throw him at one of them while you jump the other one. Can you do that?”

Dog shuffled as he nodded, seemingly eager for action. Hopefully when all this was done Gordon would get a chance to finally chat with Eli about Dog’s construction and how sentient he was. Such peace seemed impossible to reach but… hopefully one day it wouldn’t.

Reaching back Gordon unhooked the crossbow from his back and unfolded it before handing it to Alyx. “Stay back. Shoot from a distance.” He handed her a bundle of bolts next.

“Got it. Good luck.”

“You too.” He turned and climbed onto Dog’s back. He locked the fingers of one hand in place just in time to not fall off as Dog took bounding off towards the hanger.

~

Another death and then another and another. It was not the most painful of deaths to have his brain sucked out but the violation brought its own horror, making it among the more unpleasant ways to die.

The next attempt ended with both Advisors dead but Dog was busted and broken beyond repair too. A robot, yes but… how sentient was this robot? Enough to be worth saving? Seemingly so. But more importantly, Alyx was fond of him, reason enough to save him but also, said fondness had rubbed of onto Gordon and thus he lifted his pistol and shot himself to try again.

It was three more attempts before finally, finally the Advisors were both dead without bringing anyone else with them. As with many battles, victory had largely come down to luck.

Panting for breath, Gordon shot the deflating body of the Advisor beneath his feet a few more times, emptying the rest of his loaded shotgun shells into it. Its blood was thick and in the context of being in a hanger looked not unlike motor oil if not for its source.

Reloading the shotgun, he strolled over to the other side of the helicopter. Dog was atop the other Advisor’s body. It was pounded flat already, clearly dead, but just because he was mad, Gordon emptied a few shells into what looked like where its face had once been anyway. These things sucked, pun intended.

“Holy shit, Gordon, that was awesome.” Alyx said as she ran up, still holding the crossbow.

Gordon took a hand off the shotgun to give her a quick, “Thanks.” Not for the compliment though, it hadn’t felt awesome in the least, but because this attempt wasn’t a flop solely due to her getting into position just in time to to hit the Advisor and break its telekinesis before Gordon could be forced to drop his gun again. Having a companion was endlessly a thing to be grateful for. He would move the world for her if she wanted him to.

Her having no idea the depths of what she did for him though, he didn’t express that sentiment as he instead started back for the hanger exit. He had to double check and make sure everyone was alive and thus he was free to continue.

~

Cleaning up the Advisors’ bodies took some time as did sending teams to patrol the whole of the White Forest base, making sure no more unwanted surprises had made their way in somehow. But once done with that, there was a rush to start getting the helicopter ready for Gordon and Alyx to leave as soon as possible before something else went wrong that might jeopardize their mission.

No time to waste with proper rest, there never was. It was always one thing after another, endlessly. They had a whole alien army to fight, a world to save. And it had to be Gordon because in everyone else’s eyes he could consistently do and survive the impossible without much issue. But even if everyone knew the truth, he was still the best one for the job based solely off the fact that with infinite retries he could ensure the outcome he wanted even if he had to suffer for it.

But if Eli, Kleiner or anyone else Gordon cared for died while he was away, he couldn’t undo it, not as easily anyway. Something that had always been the case but after watching Eli die, it now seemed more of a prevalent threat than ever before. Making the prospect of leaving difficult. But alas, this power of his gave him the best shot at reaching the Borealis and then hopefully using it to get the Combine off Earth. Or to follow Eli’s warnings and destroy it before someone else, such as the Combine, could use it. He would decide when he got there. Regardless, he had no real choice but to roll with it and let Eli bundle him and Alyx with enough supplies and equipment to hopefully get them to the Borealis.

“No Dog, I’m sorry, you can’t come,” Alyx said as they stood by, waiting for the helicopter to finish being loaded for their journey. “You have to stay here and help Dad and the rest of the resistance, okay? They need your help and uh, you’re too heavy. We gotta travel light as we can to stretch our fuel as far as it’ll go.”

Dog shuffled and did the robot equivalent of a whine, the panels on his head pulling back as if wilting. Alyx patted his head. He leaned into it, indicating once more that he was capable of feeling in some capacity, even if it was perhaps only emotional. … Gordon would’ve loved the chance to have worked on him with Eli.

“I’ll take good care of him,” Eli said. “And I’m sure he’ll take good care of us.”

“And you two take care of each other,” Kleiner added. Having had time to finish monitoring the rocket he’d come out to the hanger to see them off. “We’ll be in radio contact with you as much as we can but it’s a long way so I’m not sure how much that’ll be. So mostly you’ll have to watch out for each other.”

“Well we made it this far together, so I’m sure we’ll be fine.” Her optimism was admirable. Even if from her perspective everything had gone well, there was still so much that could go wrong.

“And remember, once you reach the Borealis don’t jump right into activating it. I still think its our best shot at winning this war but that doesn’t mean don’t be cautious about it. Try to figure out what it does first if you can.”

“And if you can’t figure out what it does, consider not messing with it at all.” Eli gave Kleiner a pointed look. The two of them were going to argue about this more once Gordon and Alyx left, huh? Hopefully it wouldn’t cause too many problems between them.

“We’ll figure it out once we get there. But I guess uh… this is goodbye for now. Gosh, I can’t believe I’m the one being sent on this. Not that I don’t wanna go but…” Alyx threw her arms around Eli. “I’ll miss you guys.”

“I’ll miss you too, sweetie.”

Pulling back, Alyx hugged Kleiner next. “Uh… yes,” he said, adjusting his glasses as he pulled back. “Be sure to come back safe as quick as you can. Bring Gordon back too if at all possible.”

“Of course I’ll bring him back. What do you mean if possible?”

“Well I mean, after the Black Mesa incident, when he killed the Nihilanth…” Kleiner trialed off as he glanced at Gordon. “You know.”

Grimacing, Alyx turned to look back at Gordon too. “Oh yeah, huh? Um… I know you guys said I don’t need to know but I think I’ve earned the right to be told why and how he was frozen in time for twenty years, especially since I’m going with him on this and thus might have to try to stop it from happening again.”

Damn! That was possible, wasn’t it? To hide his flinch, Gordon took a step back. Once done here, the man in the suit might put him back into the void until he was needed for another job. One he couldn’t refuse because the alternative was death which he came back from. The vortiguants had seemed to pull him out of the man’s hold but… how sure was that really?

He had to take a series of deep breaths to stave off the sudden need to reach for something to steady himself; there was nothing around to grab. That was something best not thought about. He could only hope for mercy at the end of this. Surely he’d earned it, right? The suited man might not care though because why would he? Gordon was just a tool to help accomplish whatever his mysterious goals were. If so there was nothing he could about that so he had to stop thinking about it. He had to finish this first, worrying about what would happen after would only make that task harder. No more thinking about that or anything else. Only what was right in front of him mattered.

“A man in a suit, huh?” Alyx was saying as Gordon focused himself back in the present. Damn it, they were still talking about him. “Does he have a… briefcase?”

“You’ve seen him.” Eli grimaced, more angry with this confirmation than shocked as he was when he’d first learned of it.

“Maybe, I don’t know. It feels like I might’ve had a dream about him or something. What does he want?”

“We don’t know,” Kleiner replied. “We have a few theories but we don’t have time to go over them right now. You two have to get going before something else comes up. There’s no time to waste.”

Another round of hugs between them, this time Alyx hugged Dog too. “We’ll talk more about this once this is all over though, got it?” She then turned and started for the helicopter.

Before Gordon could finish turning to follow, Eli stepped towards him. “Take good care of her, please. Keep her safe.”

“I will, I promise.” Gordon wouldn’t dream of doing anything different.

“Thank you.” Eli took another step towards him, opening his arms for a hug.

Gordon couldn’t properly feel it through the HEV suit but… it took all his willpower not to cling to it in desperation. The comforts of physical touch had become foreign to him. And so even as brief as the hug was, it still almost brought tears to his eyes by the time it ended.

“Take care of yourself too.”

Gordon couldn’t promise that, not with how often he had to turn his gun on himself to reset time to save someone. So instead, before he did tear up anyway, he turned away and headed for the helicopter.

From there, it wasn’t long before they were getting ready to take off. Since neither of them knew how to fly a helicopter and thus couldn’t be trusted flying all the way to the arctic, a pilot by the name of Mori joined them. Gordon was offered the passenger seat but declined, choosing the back instead. There was more room to lay down, something he really needed. Surprisingly Alyx joined him, sitting in the row of seats across from. “In case you need to say something to Mori,” she said in way of explanation without even needing to be asked.

“Thanks,” he signed. Her talking for him was probably wise.

“All right,” Mori said from their spot in the cockpit’s driver seat. “Headsets and seat belts on and then we’re off to the arctic fast as we can go.”

Gordon put the headset on – being able to hear them even when the helicopter was running was important after all – but didn’t buckle in. Instead he lay down, using one of their packs of supplies as a pillow. It wasn’t comfortable but that didn’t matter, he hadn’t had more than three or so hours of sleep at a time since the night before the resonance cascade, technically more than twenty years ago. So he was going to sleep as much as he possibly could on this flight.

~

Next Chapter

[kinkykinard]

I wish you would write a fic with Joel looking after reader who starts feeling shaky and unwell at work 👀

Still trying to decide whether I write reader inserts for widespread viewing anymore or not, so I'm putting this behind a cut.

For those select few of you for whom I've written private comfort ficlets before, the above does not apply. I'm always happy to write those for y'all. ♥♥♥

"Zach tells me you're not looking so good today."

You gasped, dropping the IV set you were fishing out of a supply cart, nearly fumbling the bag of saline in your other hand, too. Glancing over your shoulder you found Joel lounging with his hip propped against a nearby counter, watching you in that scrutinizing way of his that told you he wasn't missing anything.

"Zach needs to keep his opinions to himself," you grumbled as you picked up the IV set again, bumping the drawer closed with your elbow as you turned to leave the supply room, finding your way blocked. Joel surveyed you from the doorway, his expression soft and concerned. If you didn't know better, you'd think he was giving you puppy dog eyes.

"He's right, though; you do look pretty awful."

You rolled your eyes. "Thanks."

Joel pushed off the counter, reaching for your arm, grasping you gently by the elbow and steering you along out of the room. You tried to wriggle out of his grip but found yourself too tired to protest much. Besides, his touch was warm and comforting and, as much as you didn't want to admit it, it probably wasn't a bad idea to have someone take a look at you. You did feel pretty awful.

As you passed by the nursing station, Joel paused and took the IV supplies from your hands, handing them off to Jackson with instructions to finish up with whatever patient you were working on. To his credit, Jackson took it all in stride and before you knew it, Joel was leading you into an empty exam room and closing the door in your wake.

"Up on the table for me, if you please," Joel instructed, his tone leaving no room for argument.

You complied with a sigh, earning yourself a brief but warm smile from Joel as he approached you. You closed your eyes as he reached out and touched the back of his hand to your forehead, frowning as he hummed thoughtfully.

"You're burning up," he commented, his fingers finding your wrist, pressing into the artery there. "And your heart rate's elevated. Lie back for me."

You opened your eyes again, watching him as you shifted around to pull your feet up. You laid back, your head landing on the pillow at the upper end of the table, Joel's grip on your wrist never wavering.

"That's it, sweetheart," he murmured, finally releasing your hand, reaching up to gently feel your lymph nodes instead as he began asking you questions about the history of your illness.

You resigned yourself to his exam, answering obediently as he questioned you. He was confident you were suffering from nothing more than some sort of a viral infection and you raised an eyebrow at him as he reached for his stethoscope, plugging the ends into his ears as he leaned in over you to press the instrument to your chest.

"Deep breaths for me."

You complied once before firing back. "What's an orthopedic surgeon doing with a stethoscope anyway?"

He laughed softly as he moved it to another spot on your chest. "It doesn't come in handy too often, but I'm glad I've got it with me today," he said with a wink. "Seeing as you didn't want to let Zach examine you when you had the chance."

You rolled your eyes, flashing him a genuine smile for the first time since you'd run into him. Closing your eyes, you allowed him to carry on, letting him take expert care of you without taking the bait.

Sure, you had a bit of a crush on him, but he didn't need to know that.

[icharchivist]

Icha I'm so curious why do you think Muku made a bingo with Itaru's questions, penny for your thoughts? I didn't expect that!

hey there <3

I didn't expect that either tbh! but the more i thought about it the more i could see some reasons he might have done that but i have a strong one in mind at least:

The main one, imo, is Itaru's whole deal about how private he is especially to the public eye. Itaru tends to not liking exposing too much about himself and tries to keep up this princely, charming image to the world. We know him well, and we know Itaru is unabashedly himself around us, but everytime it comes to showing himself out to the audience, he puts the mask back on, right? he opens up once in a while for the sake of authenticity (like the pre-show of Kniroun), but the more private he is the better he gets right?

and Muku is someone who's perceptive and accommodating, always trying to do good deeds. He wants to be a prince, and being a prince is about taking people away from situations they would be unwell into. And Muku admires Itaru a lot. He knows Itaru like we know him, and admires also his princely side (no matter how much it makes Itaru cringe ahah).

My bet would be that, Muku would read the question corner and consider that it would perhaps be too personal to share about Itaru. I think he's leaving Itaru a way out, if Itaru doesn't want to answer any of those facts for himself.

(similar reason too why he went with his hobbies being reading manga over playing video games. No way Muku doesn't know Itaru's main hobby. However, while Itaru opened up about playing some games, i do think he doesn't want the whole world to know he's a massive geek. So Muku doesn't quite lie, but he picks something less incriminating, and leave Itaru the choice on whenever to correct it or not).

I think with the persona Itaru gives to the outside world, he wouldn't have been in a position to just goof around like Citron did in order to not address whenever he is lonely or wants to be pampered or loved or anything. So, Muku doing it for him allows him to ignore the question corner if he feels like it.

I don't know what Itaru would do, perhaps Muku (or more likely, myself) overthought it, but i could definitely see it being one of Muku's good deeds of allowing Itaru to chose how much he would show to the world.

Then on other possible explanation (that might add up, i don't think any of them contradict themselves enough to be individual explanations): -Muku didn't really know what to answer / overthought it so much that he lost confidence in the way he was perceiving the situation (i'd think it rather unlikely with where Muku is in his character arc however. Act 1 Muku might have but Act 3 Muku seems more confident to really lose it like that.)

-Muku genuinely wanted to joke around like Misumi and Citron did, both due to the fact Muku is still a Summer kid, and the Summer troupe considers having fun and joking around helps other a lot more, and the fact he admires Citron enough he could take after him and decide to pull the same joke as him

-Itaru has a lot of fans, even in the story itself, he's really popular with the ladies. I could imagine that saying full front whenever he's lonely ("so you could make him less lonely ladies :)") or like to be pampered ("so do come and flirt with him more he loves it :)") could be downright dangerous in Itaru's situation lmao

But yeah personally i just would assume he's giving Itaru a way out. Perhaps even because he overthought about it himself and came to conclusions that could sound embarassing. so, protecting Itaru's intimacy and leaving Itaru the choice on what to address.

True Little Prince Muku yknow? ❤

That's how i read it at least!

I guess we'll perhaps have more clues on it depending on how Itaru reacts tomorrow! if Itaru takes advantage of it to completely ignore the Question section (or doesn't correct the hobby section) i'd say it's highly likely that was the reason. If he addresses the Question section, it doesn't disprove Muku worried for him but it does remove some weight to the theory itself.

But yeah that'd be my read on it, if it helps o7 hope it made sense :3c

[luke-o-lophus]

God Forbidden

Summary : Marc finds himself in his hotel room between the meeting with the Gods and his search for Senfu's sarcophagus. He takes a moment to let his thoughts deepen, darken.

Warnings: Marc's mental health, ableism, blood mentioned but no violence, self depreciating thoughts, suicidal thoughts, dark character study, ANGST

Marc doesn't remember returning to his hotel room. His feet find their way there, or maybe that's how the magic of the Great Pyramids works. Maybe a portal opened up to bring him here. He absently fumbles through pockets for the key, eyes trained on the dried streaks of blood all over his arm as he unlocks the door. To the mess he had left the night before.

Marc often fantasizes about coming back to a clean, safe, warm home after a long day of work. It's a luxury he has been privy to for only a short period and may just have gotten addicted to. Tt's gone back to the old ways ever since he parted ways with Layla.

Then again, he isn't sure what he did today counts as 'work'. He hadn't known he'll be thrust into a meeting with the literal Gods when he left this room earlier today. He drops onto the bed with a sigh, covering his eyes with an arm. His wrists throbbed, a phantom crawl of pulsating energy. He allows himself to scrunch his face, a whimper bubbling at the throat. He's trying not to think of what just happened, but his mind is being treacherous, rewarding him with vivid flashes of memory.

This is a man who does not know his own name.

This is a safe space to tell us if you feel exploited by Khonshu.

This is not about my feelings.

He has done no crime.

Marc should be used to it by now, but it somehow still hurts. So many times he thought he has done it, he's free from the grasp of his mental health. When he established himself as a capable marine, he'd thought he'd finally made it. Then the harsh cold reality hit him in the face, and he was left with the realization that it will never be enough. First putting his life on the line for his country and now for goodness knows who, he's still reduced to a broken mind. Nobody pauses to glance at what he has managed to achieve despite that. Even when he himself sets his feelings aside, it's still not enough, and people wonder why he doesn't open up more. It's not worth it.

There's an ache in his lower back, an annoying sting at his knees. That memory has him rolling aside and curling his legs to his core. Harrow towering over him, standing between his subdued form and the council of Gods. How easily Harrow had pretended to care for his well-being and used it as leverage against him. After all, who believes the words of someone who is unwell, needs help? Not even the Gods.

They weren't his Gods, but they were somebody's. And they had seen everything, done nothing. Deep embarrassment crawls through Marc's veins. He had just admitted to a room full of beings that he was in need of help...when has that ever gone well? Hasn't he learnt enough?

There's a residual burn in his throat, courtesy of Khonshu's shouting. He isn't suprised, but he lets himself be a little disappointed that Khonshu did not tell him he'd take over his body. That the God did not see the need to get his consent, hell even inform him. He does not understand, but again how can He?

Marc knows he should clean up soon, before the blood dries enough to need scraping off. But he lets himself slip into his thoughts for just a while. He wishes he could just slip away from all this, curled on soft covers in a nondescript hotel room. To not worry about the blood on his hands, the ache in his bones, the tears in his eyes. To give in to the exhaustion burrowed impossibly deep in his soul. He vaguely wonders if Steven ever feels like this. But no, Steven is too pure, too hopeful for such thoughts. This darkness is reserved just for him and whatever other monsters reside in his brain. Monsters whose begging whispers for help go unheard by a whole Council of Gods.

Maybe the only God who will regard him seriously is Ammit. She sounds like someone who could actually dish out what he deserves, and maybe even craves. At this moment obliteration doesn't seem too bad compared to what Khonshu puts him through...all to stop her. And for what?

He physically shakes off those thoughts, curls tangling even more at the movement. Clicks his tongue a few times to draw himself back to reality. There's a lot to do; find Senfu's sarcophagus, find Harrow, stop him. Swinging his legs off the bed, he sighs at the sight of the pyramids through the single window. A quick shower sounds good right now, a fresh shirt, a cap. Maybe it's not worth it, but he'll try. For Steven, for Layla, for whoever else who may die if Harrow succeeds. Or maybe, he'll die trying. Either way, that is worth it.

[ibijau]

Losing their memory only to have it come back after a much awaited true love’s kiss Nie Huaisang & Lan Xichen please. Lan Xichen loses his memory (maybe on a night hunt?) And even though him and Nie Huaisang have been together for over a year they haven't told anyone else yet so Nie Huaisang tries to wait for him to remember on his own but when he doesn't Nie Huaisang eventually breaks down and ends up kissing him. (Either completely alone or in front of a huge crowd) again I don't mind changes

also on AO3

this got a bit out of hand and is nearly 6K, oops?

Lan Xichen turns toward Nie Huaisang, and smiles politely.

“And you are?”

Nie Huaisang nearly drops his fan. More than the question, it is the tone of theother man’s voice that shocks him. It is the polite but slightly distant tone that Lan Xichen uses when talking to sect leaders or people who have come to beg for Gusu Lan’s help. Nie Huaisang has only once before been on the receiving end of that tone, the first time he came to visit Lan Xichen after the events in that temple. 

It was a slap back then to be treated so coldly. 

It is even more so now, with the new balance they’ve tentatively started to reach.

Nie Huaisang is too stunned to answer, but the juniors around Lan Xichen seem unsurprised by this. They trade a few worried glances, then the most confident Lan junior grabs Lan Xichen’s sleeve and smiles up at him.

“Lan zongzhu, that’s Nie zongzhu,” he explains. “He’s the one who came with the Nie juniors to help supervise the Night Hunt. You really don’t remember that either?”

“Not right now,” Lan Xichen amicably admits. “But I’m sure it will come back to me very soon. I’m sorry if that was rude, Nie zongzhu,” he adds, turning his attention back to Nie Huaisang and bowing slightly. “I seem to have suffered through a slight mishap and cannot remember a number of things. Please be patient with me if I behave inappropriately.”

Behind Lan Xichen, a few of the Nie juniors grimace. Even the Lan kids look uncomfortable. None of them know how close the two adults with them are, but they’ve seen their friendly banter earlier in the day, miles away from this reserved manner of address. Lan Xichen has never called Nie Huaisang ‘Nie zongzhu’ outside of discussion conferences. It feels wrong, so wrong that Nie Huaisang almost feels dizzy.

He keeps himself calm though. The children are already very distressed, and Lan Xichen is obviously not in a state to deal with anything, so Nie Huaisang has to take charge until someone more competent comes along.

“What happened?” he asks the Lan junior who spoke earlier. “Did he get hurt?”

A wound to the head could explain temporary difficulties, but Lan Xichen doesn’t look unwell. Indeed, the Lan junior only briefly hesitates before shaking his head.

“We’d spotted the demon,” the boy explains, glancing up at his sect leader. “Lan zongzhu thought there was something strange about it, so he asked us to stay back while he got a better look. But the demon spotted him and did something, and now he’s like that and doesn’t remember anything.”

Nie Huaisang nods along. So does Lan Xichen.

“If that’s so, I’m glad I went ahead,” he says. “A demon? How frightful. I’m glad none of you children were harmed.”

In spite of his growing anxiety, Nie Huaisang can’t help a weak smile upon hearing this. Even like this, Lan Xichen is still the same person, and Nie Huaisang is impossibly fond of him. It must be terrifying to not know who anyone is or what’s going on, and yet Lan Xichen is so fundamentally kind that he’s still more worried about the children than his own state.

“Indeed, we were lucky,” Nie Huaisang agrees, opening his fan to hide that smile he can’t contain. “From the way villagers described it, I wouldn’t have expected that demon to be strong enough to harm Zewu-Jun. That’s you,” he adds, catching Lan Xichen’s confused gaze. “Your courtesy name is Lan Xichen, you are sect leader of Gusu Lan, and your title is Zewu-Jun.”

“It’s pretty,” Lan Xichen muses. “What is your title, Nie zongzhu?”

Nobody says anything, but Nie Huaisang can still hear the juniors of both thinking ‘Headshaker’. He doesn’t get called that too much these days, but he doubts that it will ever fully leave him. Usually he doesn’t mind, but somehow it’d be embarrassing for this more innocent version of Lan Xichen to know anything about Nie Huaisang’s tricks.

“I don’t have a title,” he announces, before turning again to the children. “Do you have everyone from your group? Did you count yourself after the demon escaped? No one missing or added?”

“No, Nie zongzhu,” a different Lan boy answers. “We’re the same number as before. Nie zongzhu, can you cure Lan zongzhu?”

However touched he is that anyone would have that sort of faith in him, Nie Huaisang grimaces.

“No, probably not. Let’s go back to the inn for now, and from there I’ll send a distress signal to warn Hanguang-Jun.”

“Hanguang-Jun?” Lan Xichen curiously repeats. “A friend of mine?”

Before Nie Huaisang can answer, the Lan juniors all start correcting their sect leader, eager to explain who Lan Wangji is. Even some of the Nie children join in, such is the fame of the great Hanguang-Jun. All Nie Huaisang can do is herd everyone toward the village where they’re staying, and make sure that nothing too outrageously untrue is said. 

He notices that while the children don’t hesitate to speak about Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen’s claims to fame from the Sunshot campaign and after, they are careful not to say anything about more recent events. The oldest among them can’t be much more than thirteen, but they already have enough good sense to guess that speaking of Jin Guangyao would only hurt Lan Xichen. Nie Huaisang feels proud of them, though he knows he has no reason. He’s not the one who raised them, and even his own disciples have not felt his influence much.

Perhaps more than pride, it is gratefulness that he feels. Or else, it might be admiration. Such is the effect that Lan Xichen has on people: it is impossible to know him and not care for him.

With the children chatting and Lan Xichen listening, they make it safely to the inn. That’s where Lan Wangji and the inevitable Wei Wuxian find them after a few hours. 

Things, after that, go very fast. Lan Wangji checks on his brother while Wei Wuxian interrogates the juniors to learn more about the demon. Nie Huaisang stands to the side, knowing he won’t be of any help. He pays their bill, and announces to the village chief that they won’t be able to eliminate the demon just yet, but will make sure the situation isn’t allowed to degenerate.

It is a bit of a surprise when Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian say that they have no idea how to get Lan Xichen back to normal, but it isn’t a huge shock either. Nie Huaisang is starting to suspect the demon might have been extremely powerful, but merely of mischievous temper rather than outright evil and thus only caused small problems for local people. It is a little worrying that Lan Xichen might have been cursed, but the Lan elders are wise people and they will set him right in a matter of days.

So while Lan Wangji takes his brother home, followed by his husband and the Lan juniors, Nie Huaisang gathers his own little disciples and prepares to do the same without having exchanged another word with Lan Xichen. It doesn’t bother him too much.

He knows he’ll soon hear from Lan Xichen, and together they'll laugh about this misadventure.

-

As days turn into weeks, Nie Huaisang tries not to worry about the lack of news coming from the Cloud Recesses. If things weren’t going well, he would have heard about it. Gusu Lan might have a rule against gossip, but servants and guest disciples still like to chat. Just as Nie Huaisang was among the first to hear when Lan Xichen entered seclusion after the death of Jin Guangyao, he’s sure he would know if his curse had proved impossible to lift.

Lan Xichen must be fine.

Which means, also, that his silence must be a deliberate choice. That for whatever reason, he cannot find time to spare to tell his lover that he is feeling better, nor to schedule when they might try to meet again. Lan Xichen is a busy man, and ruling Gusu Lan is a more involved job than ruling Qinghe Nie, so Nie Huaisang has been warned from the start that if they chose to change the nature of their friendship, there would be long periods where they wouldn’t meet.

Nie Huaisang, refusing to appear possessive or clingy, decides not to ask for news when none is given. He has distracted Lan Xichen from his responsibilities too often when he was playing the fool, he cannot continue doing so now that he is no longer hiding.

Weeks continue passing, and still not a word from the Cloud Recesses, except an official letter reminding Nie Huaisang that he is invited to a discussion conference set there. The letter bears Lan Xichen’s seal, further proving that he is fine and simply too busy to fool around. Or perhaps that incident with the demon, and how useless Nie Huaisang was in the aftermath, has reminded Lan Xichen that aside from plotting murder and painting, his lover isn’t good for much.

The advantage of a secret relationship, Nie Huaisang realises one day, is that there’s no need for a public break-up. Lan Xichen only has to stop contacting him, and things are over.

He realises, also, that it was Lan Xichen who insisted on keeping things secret as they figured out if this could work. He had said that Lan Qiren and Lan Wangji might have objections otherwise, which seemed like a wise consideration at the time, but now Nie Huaisang can only wonder…

If this was Lan Xichen taking revenge for being left in the dark about Jin Guangyao’s true nature, then he played his cards well. Nie Huaisang never saw it coming, though perhaps he should have.

Even for a man as kind as Lan Xichen, some things must be too much to forgive.

-

When the time for that discussion conference comes, Nie Huaisang considers not going. There’s never much there that interests him in those conferences, and he doesn’t quite feel ready to face Lan Xichen yet after what he is now convinced was a silent break-up. He also refuses to give anyone the satisfaction of having wounded him, though, and that means he has to go to Gusu and act unaffected.

Not so long ago, it would have been odd to arrive at the gates of the Cloud Recesses and not be greeted in person by Lan Xichen. Usually whoever is guarding the entrance has instructions to go warn their sect leader that his old friend has arrived, allowing Lan Xichen to lead Nie Huaisang inside even though he was given a jade token long ago, back after his brother’s death. 

This time, Nie Huaisang gets to use that token at last, because he is told to go in alone since Lan Xichen isn’t free to come at the moment. He supposes he should feel grateful that the token hasn’t been deactivated. Maybe Lan Xichen feared there would be a scandal. Maybe he doesn’t care enough to remember that Nie Huaisang even has that token.

Either way, Lan Xichen isn’t there, and ultimately it is Lan Wangji who comes to meet him and leads him to the guest quarters. Nie Huaisang figures it’s better than if it had been Lan Qiren, who still scares him a little from his time as a student.

At dinner that evening, Lan Xichen is absent. Nie Huaisang doesn’t ask any questions, but someone else does, only to be told that Lan Xichen has to deal with some urgent situation and likely won’t be present during the entire discussion conference. There’s some whispers about that, unsurprisingly, but no one is alarmed and Nie Huaisang least of all. With Gusu Lan’s reputation, they tend to be asked to help with very delicate cases that require great expertise. It is not so extraordinary for Lan cultivators to have to drop previous engagements to go help those in need.

Nie Huaisang may or may not be relieved that he won’t have to face his former lover just yet. Either way, he is careful not to show any emotion, especially once he notices that Wei Wuxian keeps glancing his way.

He will not give anyone the satisfaction of seeing his heartbreak.

Come morning, the discussion conference starts as it normally would. Lan Xichen’s absence is hardly felt at all. Lan Qiren is more than competent to represent Gusu Lan, having done so for many years. If Nie Huaisang’s eyes accidentally start looking for Lan Xichen every time someone says something particularly stupid… well, it’s unlikely anyone will notice. His reputation has improved, but Qinghe Nie is still not quite back to being a Great Sect again, nor is it likely to happen in his lifetime, so nobody really pays attention to him. Nobody except Lan Xichen, and…

Well, not even that anymore.

Which is fine.

Nie Huaisang has managed to be on his own for ten years, he doesn’t mind going back to that. The only regret he allows himself is that time passes so slowly in those damn conferences when he has nothing to look forward to. Inane chatter is so much worse without the promise of stolen tenderness later on.

But instead of being able to run to his lover’s arms

, when the discussion ends for the day, Nie Huaisang finds Wei Wuxian waiting for him at the door of the hall.

“Nie-xiong, let’s have a chat,” Wei Wuxian demands, grabbing him by the arm and kidnapping him so he cannot join others to dinner.

“I’m kind of hungry,” Nie Huaisang complains. “Can it wait?”

Wei Wuxian grins, and takes a small box from his sleeve, holding out for Nie Huaisang to remove the lid.

Nie Huaisang starts salivating the instant the smell hits his nose.

“Dumplings from that place you used to like,” Wei Wuxian announces. “It’s still the same man making them. So, can we have a chat, or would you rather have a proper Lan dinner with everyone?”

“Wei-xiong, you are the worst and I hate you,” Nie Huaisang grumbles, staring at the dumplings. “Fine, I’ll listen to you.”

Wei Wuxian grins and continues pulling him away from everyone. Lan Qiren, who leaves the hall last, notices them going away and glares at them but doesn't actually say anything. 

"I see the in-laws are liking you a little better these days," Nie Huaisang remarks, carefully grasping one dumpling. He would have preferred not eating with his hands, but he can make sacrifices for the sake of a good meal. "Not long ago, Lan Qiren would have gone mad, seeing you disturb his conference like this."

"I didn't disturb anything, you lot were done for the day," Wei Wuxian objects, letting go of Nie Huaisang’s arm. He too grabs a dumpling, and inelegantly shoves it in his mouth. "And he's glad I'm helping with Lan Xichen," he adds, spitting food. "It's a difficult situation." 

Nie Huaisang knows he's being baited. He truly knows it. 

"What about Lan Xichen?" he still asks, unable to stop himself. 

"Nie-xiong, don't you remember that curse he was hit with? We're still trying to lift it." 

Nie Huaisang stops in his tracks and stares at Wei Wuxian. 

"What do you mean you're still trying to… It's been months! What could take you so long? Aren't you supposed to be a cultivation genius? Isn't Gusu Lan a well of wisdom?" 

Wei Wuxian shrugs, and gobbles another dumpling. 

"So you really didn't know, eh?" 

"How was I supposed to know? No one saw fit to inform me of this situation. Excuse me for having too much faith in your competence, Wei-xiong." 

"Didn't it strike you as odd that Lan Xichen stopped contacting you after that incident?" Wei Wuxian retorts. "I know the two of you had become close again lately. Some friend you are, letting this much time pass without news." 

Nie Huaisang's face burns at those words, and he quickly opens his fan to hide behind. It shouldn't surprise him that Wei Wuxian guessed what was going one between him and Lan Xichen.

"Yes, yes, we both know I'm a terrible friend, especially to Zewu-Jun," he grumbles. "I just assumed he was busy. Not everybody can ditch their responsibility whenever they please to go Night Hunting like you do, Wei-xiong." Nie Huaisang pauses, and sighs. "Is it really serious? Is he in any danger?" 

Can I help? he wants to ask, though the very idea is so ridiculous it isn't even worth saying out loud. If all of Gusu Lan and Wei Wuxian have failed to bring Lan Xichen back to normal, Nie Huaisang won't be of any use. 

"It's more inconvenient than anything," Wei Wuxian says, lifting a weight from Nie Huaisang's shoulders. "Aside from the memory loss, he doesn't suffer at all. His cultivation is still the same. He hasn't even forgotten everything either. He recalls everything to do with cultivation or the arts quite well, he can still fight without problem… But anything personal is just gone."

"Oh. Well, then it might be more of a blessing than a curse," Nie Huaisang remarks. "Or have you told him…" 

Wei Wuxian quickly shakes his head, nibbling on another dumpling. Nie Huaisang steals another one and does the same, refusing to watch his dinner be eaten under his nose like this. 

"We only told him basic things, to see if it would help his memory. He knows he has an uncle, a brother, that I'm married to Wangji… But since that didn't really help, we figured it was better not to say too much. Lan Qiren decided it would just have distressed him."

Nie Huaisang nods. He still remembers the way Lan Xichen looked that night, at that temple, after everything had come to light. To inflict that upon him a second time would have been too cruel. 

"Truly a blessing then," Nie Huaisang muses. "Maybe it's for the best and we should let him be."

"Nie-xiong, you really are too dramatic," Wei Wuxian complains. "We've told him that his past has painful things in it, but he still wants to remember. And you should know, he's been asking about you." 

Hearing this startles Nie Huaisang who gapes at Wei Wuxian. 

"Didn't… Didn't you say he doesn't remember anything? Wei-xiong, make up your mind about this. I swear if you're lying…" 

"Not lying," Wei Wuxian retorts, biting into the last dumpling. "He can't remember anything from before that Night Hunt, but apparently you make a strong impression on him that day. He frequently asks about the 'handsome young man' and has said a few times he wants to thank you for helping and keeping the children calm that day."

"He's just being polite," Nie Huaisang grumbles, his cheeks heating up upon hearing that even without memory of their acquaintance, Lan Xichen still finds him handsome. His looks aren’t too bad, but he doesn’t quite compare to some other cultivators. "I suppose some things don't change."

Wei Wuxian shrugs, and puts away the now empty box.

“So, Nie-xiong, are you coming with me so see Zewu-Jun? We told him you’d be here, he’s very impatient to ‘meet’ you at last.”

“No,” Nie Huaisang says.

“No?”

“No.”

“And why not?” Wei Wuxian asks, his expression quickly losing its warmth. “Aren’t you two quite close lately?”

Nie Huaisang hides behind his fan, and looks away.

“Wei-xiong, me coming to see Zewu-Jun can only have two effects,” he says, and raises a finger. “One, it does nothing to help his memory, he realises that aside from my face I don’t have much to interest him, and he’ll be embarrassed for even asking about me. I’m not stupid, without shared experiences, there’s little to draw him to me. It will just be awkward for both of us. Or else...” He raises a second finger. “Two, seeing me unlocks his memory. And wouldn’t that be cruel? He has a chance to live free from the burden of what happened, I would not take that from him.”

“Nie-xiong, you’re still a coward after all,” Wei Wuxian remarks.

“Think what you will,” Nie Huaisang retorts. “I’ve had to hurt him once like this. I can’t do it again. Could you, if it was Lan Wangji?”

“I know Lan Zhan would want to remember. Without the bad, we wouldn’t have the good either. Zewu-Jun said he wants to remember too, and he said he wants to see you. Isn’t that more important than your guilt, Nie-xiong?”

Nie Huaisang grits his teeth. There’s no reasoning with Wei Wuxian when he’s convinced to be right, and for someone who was so blind for so long, Wei Wuxian certainly thinks himself an expert about romance.

Lucky him, if what he has with Lan Wangji is worth all the pain, all the suffering. Nie Huaisang, given the choice, would rather not have gone through all of that. Even if it meant never getting the chance to be with Lan Xichen, who surely would have picked someone else if life hadn’t pushed them together. And whatever Lan Xichen says now, when he doesn’t know what darkness lurks in his past, Nie Huaisang is convinced he will regret it if his memories return to him.

Nie Huaisang doesn’t mind making that choice for him.

It won’t be the first time.

Besides, he’s already mourned the romance that had only just started between him and Lan Xichen. He is quite fine with having lost this, even if it isn’t in the way he imagined.

It’s fine.

Everything is fine, and this is for the best.

“I’ve made my choice, Wei-xiong,” Nie Huaisang announces with all the confidence he can fake. “Please tell Zewu-Jun I cannot meet him. Even if he’s upset at first, I’m sure he’ll get over it quite easily.”

“Nie-xiong!”

Ignoring his old friend, Nie Huaisang turns around and starts walking back toward the heart of the Cloud Recesses.

If he feels a cold, gnawing sensation in his chest and stomach, he’ll blame it on hunger. After all, Wei Wuxian very rudely ate over half his dinner.

-

Due to a mistake, the disciples Nie Huaisang brought with him to the conference have been given their own separate room rather than to stay in the same guest quarters as him, as would be more usual. Or, well, it might be unkind to call this a mistake. It is an arrangement that became needed after things changed between him and Lan Xichen, so they could more easily have time alone. Nie Huaisang can’t remember what excuse they gave to justify the need for this, but apparently whoever is in charge of organising things for the guests wasn’t told that this isn’t needed anymore.

A shame, because Nie Huaisang isn’t particularly in the mood to be alone. Or at least, not in the mood to be alone in the damn Cloud Recesses, where he has no way of getting his hands on alcohol except through Wei Wuxian and… well, it’s not really an option. Nie Huaisang will have to face his renewed heartbreak sober, which isn’t something anyone should have to go through, he thinks.

Just as Nie Huaisang starts wondering if he should just go to sleep and try to forget this unfortunate situation, there’s a knock on his door.

It is odd for anyone to come see him. His disciples know they can’t wander around so close to curfew unless there’s an emergency, in which case they wouldn’t knock. Wei Wuxian is angry at him, and will probably remain so for a few days to a few weeks, until he forgets they had an argument. King of Grudges Lan Wangji has done his best to pretend Nie Huaisang doesn’t exist, just as he does with Jiang Cheng. Nie Huaisang can’t think of anyone who might come see him.

There’s another knock on the door, the rhythm of it familiar, yet also not. After some hesitation, Nie Huaisang decides to go check, though he carefully keeps one hand on the handle of the dagger he took to carrying everywhere since launching in motion his revenge plan.

Nie Huaisang opens the door.

And then very nearly closes it again when he sees who his visitor is.

“I’m sorry for coming so late,” Lan Xichen says with a polite smile. “And I understand that you told Wei Wuxian that you had no desire to speak to me, but I really must have answers for some of my questions.”

Nie Huaisang does some quick math. He could still try to close the door. Either Lan Xichen would accept his rejection and things would end for good, or he will force the door open and Nie Huaisang simply isn’t strong enough to stop that. He knows what Lan Xichen would normally do, but he has no idea how different this version of Lan Xichen is. Nie Huaisang would rather not risk antagonising him, not now that they aren’t even friends anymore, and not when he knows better than most how terrifying Lan Xichen could be, if he just bothered.

With a sigh, Nie Huaisang gestures for Lan Xichen to come in.

“I have little to tell you that your brother and his husband couldn’t say better than me,” Nie Huaisang meekly states, his heart clenching at the sight of Lan Xichen in this room, too much like other times and yet so different. “But I’ll try to be of use, of course.”

“I’ve tried asking them first,” Lan Xichen reveals as he steps inside, letting Nie Huaisang close the door behind him. “But they’ve admitted that they didn’t know the answer to some of my questions, and they were reluctant to share speculation with me.”

Nie Huaisang hides a grimace behind his fan. He supposes he should be grateful that Wei Wuxian and his husband have acquired such a distaste for gossip, but sometimes it’s really annoying.

“If they don’t know, I doubt I’ll know much more, Zewu-Jun.”

“And I think you do,” Lan Xichen softly insists. “I have done my own share of speculation. I have found some letters, some paintings, a few gifts, and so I must ask… Nie zongzhu, am I right in thinking we were not only friends?”

The hopefulness in Lan Xichen’s face, in his voice, are so unbearable that Nie Huaisang has to look away.

Of course Lan Xichen would have figured that out. However much they tried to hid in public, in private they were quite open about the way they felt, all the more so because they never had the chance to meet quite as often as they would have liked. Nie Huaisang’s letters were hardly restrained, though still more so than some of the ones Lan Xichen sent him. The content of those would have left no doubt possible as to the nature of their relationship.

“Zewu-Jun, I’m not sure this really matters,” Nie Huaisang says, avoiding the question. “Since you have no memory of anything, no matter what our links were in the past, it would be unfair of me to demand for them to be maintained. I will not make demands of you, don’t worry.”

“I would not mind if you did,” Lan Xichen protests, stepping closer. “All these weeks, I’ve been thinking of you a lot. Everyone else acted so worried, but you were the one person who kept his calm, you took care of the children, you made sure the innkeeper was paid, you even made sure to update the people who had called for our help on the state of their problem… I was so impressed by how level-headed you were, and that’s why I started asking questions about who we were to each other.”

Blood rushes to Nie Huaisang’s face upon hearing his behaviour that day being praised. To him, what happened back then is a bit of a blur because he was so worried for Lan Xichen, so he doesn’t really remember what he did at all. Surely he can’t have handled it that well, it must just be that Lan Xichen is too kind, as always.

“Zewu-Jun, things between us… I won’t deny that they were a certain way,” Nie Huaisang admits, gripping his fan a little harder. “And I am very touched if I made a good impression on you that time. But things between us… you have to understand, even if things were good, it had come at a heavy price. I have done many things that you did not approve of. Things I am not sorry about, because in the end, I got what I wanted, and I’m the sort of person for whom that’s what matters. To put it bluntly, I’m not a very good person, and I have no intention on improving myself.”

“I don’t think you’re quite so bad,” Lan Xichen retorts with amusement. “I have read the letters you sent me. You seem like a very soft and sentimental person, Nie zongzhu, and I think I like that.”

Nie Huaisang sighs, and shakes his head.

Suddenly, he misses Lan Xichen.

The real Lan Xichen, the one who knew his tenderness and softness didn’t mean he wasn’t also capable of horrors. The one who loved him in spite of it… perhaps even for it, at times. And the reverse was true as well. Although he'd always had a bit of a crush on Lan Xichen, it wasn't until everything was exposed, until they'd both known the best of the worst of each other, that Nie Huaisang had really fallen in love. 

He can't wish for this ignorant Lan Xichen to suffer what the original one had suffered, he isn't that unkind.

But he also can't love someone who doesn't have the life experience to understand why he is the way he is. 

"Zewu-Jun, I'm really not the way you think," Nie Huaisang states, as coldly as he can manage. "If you remember someday, then I'll be happy to resume what we had, should you wish it. Until then… for your own good, it's better to go our separate ways. I don't have anything to give you, not as you are now. And I love you too much to wish you the pain of remembering your past."

"So instead, you cause me the pain of being rejected," Lan Xichen bitterly remarks, walking closer, close enough to touch, if Nie Huaisang wanted. He wants to. He still doesn't move. "Can I do anything to change your mind?" 

"Zewu-Jun…" 

"Please understand it is very unpleasant to hear you say that you love me at the same time you’re pushing me away. If you gave me a chance…”

Nie Huaisang laughs behind his fan.

“Trust me, it’s better for you. Just walk away and forget about me.”

“Nie zongzhu, give me a chance,” Lan Xichen pleads, looking so heartbroken that Nie Huaisang has to avert his eyes.

“It’s better that way.”

It is.

It has to be.

It isn’t like things could have lasted anyway. They both have a duty to their sects, to their families. It really is better this way.

“Then at least… would you kiss me, Nie zongzhu?” Lan Xichen asks.

“Zewu-Jun, that’s not…”

“Give me this at least, if you won’t give me anything else. If we were happy once, don’t I deserve a last goodbye?”

That would be a terrible idea. Nie Huaisang knows himself. If he gets that small taste of what he used to have with Lan Xichen, he’ll be tempted to actually take that risk, and then when it fails, when this too innocent Lan Xichen realises what he’s capable of and starts hating him for it, Nie Huaisang will know it was his fault for being weak, for not making this end cleanly.

It would be stupid to kiss Lan Xichen.

But it’s been months, and the day has been so long, and Nie Huaisang is too tired to continue making the right decisions.

“Just one kiss,” he sighs, closing his fan.

In an instant, he finds himself pulled into Lan Xichen’s embrace, soft lips pressing against his own with a clumsiness that he once found endearing, when it all started. Lan Xichen was so inexperienced when they got together, though he learned fast. To be kissed against with that unskilled enthusiasm is a bitter reminder that this man isn’t quite his Xichen.

Even knowing this, Nie Huaisang returns the kiss with a touch of desperation, his arms around Lan Xichen’s neck, keeping him close while he can have him.

After a while, Lan Xichen’s mouth pulls away. Nie Huaisang, who had closed his eyes at some point, opens them again and finds his lover staring down at him with an air of shock, panting harder than the kiss truly justifies.

Before Nie Huaisang can say anything, Lan Xichen breaks into a smile and kisses him again.

This kiss is different.

This time, Lan Xichen isn’t so clumsy anymore, he knows how to lick into Nie Huaisang’s mouth, how to bite and suck on his lips just right, leaving the other man breathless. His hands are no longer just on Nie Huaisang’s hips either, they move to pet his hair, to grope his ass, his thighs, to pull him closer until there’s no space between their bodies, pushing him against the door until Nie Huaisang is trapped in the most perfect of ways.

When that kiss ends, Nie Huaisang too is breathless, and his legs feel so weak that if he weren’t clinging to Lan Xichen so tightly, he’d fall to his knees for sure.

“You ridiculous man,” Lan Xichen breathes against his lips. “You always have to make things difficult, don’t you?”

Nie Huaisang’s grip tightens. The other man’s voice seems different suddenly. Warmer. If it weren’t foolish to hope…

“Even after all this, you really can’t believe I’d trust you?” Lan Xichen accuses, sounding too amused, too fond. “We’re going to have to work on this, A-Sang. I really thought you’d learned not to try to handle everything alone.”

“Xichen,” Nie Huaisang gasps, half fearful that he’s misunderstanding. “A-Chen, are you…”

“I’m back,” Lan Xichen confirms, rubbing their nose together before stealing a brief kiss. “And I’m not letting you go, you silly man, even if I’m a little cross you’re still so convinced you don’t have my full trust. You’re really…”

“No, don’t scold me,” Nie Huaisang mumbles, suddenly a little embarrassed by how dramatic he’s been, even if he still thinks he wasn’t wrong. “You can scold me later. For now, just kiss me again. I’ve missed it, and I’ve missed you, so kiss me, A-Chen.”

Lan Xichen grins, and promptly obeys.

Nie Huaisang pulls him closer. He loves this man, loves him so much, and he’s so glad to have him back at last.