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aminiatureworld · 4 years ago

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Injury II

Characters: Kaeya, Ningguang, Xiao, Zhongli, gn!reader

Word Count: 5,650

Warnings: Various injuries, blood, burns, minor villain death

Premise: Sometimes the pain of others can hurt even more than one’s own. In which the reader is injured.

Author’s Note: Okay so after the mind numbing fear of my computer almost dying and now maybe emitting a weird smell I’m five seconds away from pure panic. But the show much go on! Even if my word document keeps blacking out.

This is my first time writing for Ningguang! I hope I do my girl justice, she’s voiced by my fav VA, she’s a total powerhouse, I love her so much.

I tried to make all of the injuries personal to each character in some way. Funny enough Zhongli’s was the hardest to figure out. I eventually settled upon the act of you being injured causing Zhongli’s personal angst, rather than the cause of the injury. I hope it came out well!

Kaeya

Kaeya didn’t often let himself fall into fear. Not since he’d been young did he feel that he could indulge in such a sentiment. True to his vision he’d frozen that part of himself, and now when panic seized him he could feel nothing but stone cold determination, and the need to continue forward without hesitation. Fear was hardly alien to him, he could conjure up the emotion all too well, but it had been dulled and replaced by cynicism and coldness. And occasionally guilt.

Looking back on it Kaeya wasn’t even sure why the two of you had strayed so close to Dragonspine, so close snowflakes were congregating in your hair.

You’d called him a winter fairy in jest at the time, wondering if he wasn’t truly the ruler of that mountain of frost. He’d laughed then, before threatening to take you away to his fairy court. “That would be quite an easy task.” You’d replied. “You’ve already captured my heart after all.”

The two of you were strolling on the rocks that lined the river which separated Dragonspine from the greater Monstadt area. Although adventurers usually roamed the area in the daytime it was now evening, and the lack of people certainly made up for the cold in Kaeya’s mind. He could only be his true self around you after all. Otherwise it was the charming and slick Cavalry Captain, a man who always knew what to say and never harbored any doubts in his mind. Not that he wasn’t still charming around you, he loved seeing you blush from his effusive praise, loved the way you buried your head in his shoulder if the flirting and the teasing ramped up enough. But there was a sincerity to his words that one couldn’t find normally in Kaeya, and he loved to show you bits and pieces of his soul, relieved to finally have someone to talk to.

“Watch your step.” You warned, grabbing onto Kaeya’s hand as he slid a little ways along a rock.

“Thank you darling, although I daresay I’m more worried about you. After all who’s the snow fairy here and who’s the wind sprite, liable to blow away at any moment?”

“So cheesy.” You mumbled, shaking your head, though Kaeya could’ve sworn your cheeks were slightly redder than they were a few moments ago. Laughing he wrapped his arm around your waist. You snuggled into his fur lined coat. “Cold.” You murmured, though you made no move to disconnect yourself. Kaeya smiled and brought his other hand around you in a soft embrace.

“Sorry my dearest, but you’re in love with an icicle.”

“Only terms of magic.” You shot back. “Otherwise you’re a nice warm fire. And don’t you forget that.”

The two of you headed a little ways down, closer to the river. A small group of frost flowers had made it to this side of the banks, and you were adamant on picking some. “They’re so beautiful!” You explained to Kaeya. “And incredibly strong, I can’t believe they managed to grow in that permafrost. They’re simply lovely.”

“Just be careful.” Kaeya commented, standing a little ways back. He didn’t like getting near the river, a river so cold it was always at nearly freezing at the bottom. Cold water and a vision of Cryo didn’t mix well.

“I’ll be fine.” You hopped to your feet, a bouquet of pale blue in your hand. You were smiling from your victory, face full of light and happiness.

It was an expression that changed swiftly as you lost your balance and plummeted into the freezing waters.

Immediately Kaeya leapt down from the rocks he was standing on, kneeling near where you were standing a moment ago. The river wasn’t very fast, bogged down by its width and how far it was away from the waterfalls in the warmer parts of Monstadt. Still it cut off very quickly, having barely the semblance of a beach before opening into a deep chasm, and anyone who fell in it would quickly fall into cold shock. Already your limbs had started seizing, and you were hyperventilating hard. Your arms felt like dead weight, and every second that passed your head dipped lower into the freezing water.

Kaeya gingerly put his hand out to make a platform of ice for him to stand on. Whatever happened he couldn’t fall in as well, it would mean the death of you two. Fear had reared its ugly head again and Kaeya twisted those feelings into action. No matter what he had to act fast and sure. Hesitation was fatal.

Plunging his hand into the water, sucking in a deep breath as the ice that still coated his palms and fingers made contact with the freezing river Kaeya hauled you up onto the icy platform. Taking off his coat he wrapped you up. Removing your gloves so the frozen water wouldn’t be in contact with your already freezing skin Kaeya cursed as he ran towards Springvale, the nearest place he could think of. He’d lugged you onto his back, and could feel the freezing water through his shirt. As he ran he kept up a stream of slightly shaky conversation, rattling off what little he knew of hypothermia.

“It’ll be alright darling, I promise it’ll be alright. You’re just going through shock right now, okay? You’ll be alright, I promise. Just stay awake a little while longer. I know you must be tired from all that excitement, but just stay awake a little longer, just a little longer and then you’ll be nice and warm, just stay awake right now okay?” His voice became more and more desperate as his fear started to tumble out of his grasp, but he kept moving. He wouldn’t lose control of himself now, not until you were safe.

Finally he arrived at Springvale and you’d been rushed to the village doctor. Kaeya was told to go and wait somewhere else, and preferably change out of his freezing cold shirt, but you’d grabbed his hand as he turned to leave and after that he refused to budge, instead borrowing a shirt from the village. He’d reimburse the people who let you two borrow their clothes later.

The entire process was a terrifying one, as you were slowly brought back to warmth. Kaeya took the opportunity to learn as much as he could, noting that you shouldn’t massage limbs back to warmth for fear of heart attack and – much to his chagrin he later joked when the situation was far enough in the past – alcohol was too much of a depressant on your system and could lead to death. All throughout he kept talking to you, even though there were times you didn’t seem to hear, times when he thought his heart would split in two.

Still it was evident you were going to survive and when you’d finally finished being warmed up Kaeya thought he could cry in relief, if only he’d been numbed from such an act for so many years. You’d run into some sort of rock in the water, and the long gash down the side of your leg was later determined by the doctor to reveal torn muscle. It’d take about a month and a half for you to recover. Kaeya thought he should’ve felt worse about it, but in the moment he felt nothing but relief, utter relief in the knowledge you were going to be fine. Utter relief that came with having almost lost you.

Kaeya had carried you back to Monstadt, much to your consternation. All the ways back you mumbled about how his penchant for drama seemed to have increased tenfold. Kaeya simply shook his head, not bothering to ask how you would’ve gotten back otherwise with your leg in the shape it was. Still it was a relief to both of you to see the city walls. Even more of a relief when you finally arrived home, safe and sound.

“I’m so glad you were there.” You confessed as Kaeya sat you down on the couch, propping up your leg and pulling a chair up next to you. “I don’t know what I would’ve done had I fallen and you weren’t there.”

“You probably wouldn’t have been there in the first place.” Kaeya remarked, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. You brought your hand up to his cheek and he leaned into it slightly, grateful for the contact between you two. It’d been hours but the panic that he’d felt still tugged at his consciousness, as if any moment you might slip away again and leave him panicked and alone.

“Were you afraid?” You asked.

“Of course I was afraid.” Kaeya’s reply came swift and sure. “I was terrified, terrified in a way that I haven’t been in years.” Kaeya’s eyes clouded over, as if reaching deep into his memories. He brought your hand up to his lips, kissing your knuckles and then your palm. “I thought that you might die, and in that moment I was ready to curse the world all over again.”

“But I didn’t die.” You said solemnly.

“No, you didn’t.”

“And that’s because of you. Because you reacted quickly, because you had the magic with which to do so, and most of all because you never hesitated. And because of that I’m alive and well now. Injuries aside I’ll be fine. I promise.”

Kaeya knew you were right. You were alive. You weren’t going to go where he couldn’t follow. The fear coiling in his stomach began to subside. He’d been so afraid, yes, and in that fear he’d managed to find the strength and determination to save you. But now you were safe and he no longer needed to rely on that strength; he could give into his relief. Realizing this, realizing how frightened he’d been and how that was now part of a past he could move forward from, could truly forget, Kaeya could only marvel at his relief. Only then did the tears begin to fall.

Ningguang

If there was one thing Ningguang wasn’t expecting out of today it was your leg collapsing and her winding up in the waiting room of the Liyue hospital, mind replaying the last week or so, wondering where she might’ve realized something was wrong.

It seemed like the kind of thing Keqing would make a joke about. Here Ningguang was, the Tianquan of the Liyue Qixing, the most powerful woman in the trade capital of Liyue; here she was, her world completely gone awry, completely shattered by your injury.

A stress fracture, the doctor had said. It was the kind of injury that developed slowly and came about after weeks instead of in moments. The initial strain was usually something mundane, a sprain, a bruise, maybe you’d walked on your foot for too long. But after sometimes weeks of ignoring pain and swelling your body couldn’t take it any longer. Ten weeks, that’s how long you would be laid up. And Ningguang couldn’t help but feel every one of those ten weeks was her fault.

She should’ve noticed it. That train of thought continued all throughout the process of you being treated at, and eventually discharged from, the hospital. You weren’t just one of the people she worked with daily, weren’t just her closest colleague. You were the person that Ningguang loved more than anything in this world. How could she possibly not have noticed the signs?

Ningguang found herself obsessively trying to connect the warning signs that must’ve been there. She knew that your foot had been aching for some time, but though she’d been vaguely concerned she’d said nothing other than a simple “be careful”. She’d never thought to check after you later, sure that it was nothing. Now she felt nothing but shame, both that of a personal and of a greater kind. How could she manage looking after all of Liyue if she couldn’t even look after you?

You noticed Ningguang’s silence as you two made your way out of the hospital and towards the apartment you shared. Although Ningguang was perhaps seen as a reticent individual you’d found her surprisingly open, always ready to discuss things that were of interest either to you or to her. She wasn’t the kind of person to walk along in silence; not when she was around those that she cared for, not unless she was thinking about something important, not unless…

Finally you two arrived home. You collapsed on the couch, tired and ready to either read or nap. Ningguang was preparing some tea and a various array of fruit, not that there was much food in the lavish apartment you two shared. Considering the workload between the both of you it was perhaps unsurprising that there was nothing much to eat. That would have to change, Ningguang noted; she’d make sure that you were recovering in the most comfortable way possible. It was the least she could do.

“Are you feeling well?” Ningguang asked, placing the food and tea on the table in your room. You nodded.

“I feel fine, although I’m not looking forward to the walk to the Qixing headquarters. I have to admit dear this might be the only time I’m a bit glad that I don’t have to make my way to the Jade Chamber every day.” Ningguang smiled at that, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She sat silently, sipping her tea slowly. Your expression clouded over. “Hey, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“Oh it’s nothing my love.” Ningguang spoke up quickly, leaning over and kissing you on the cheek. “I’m just sorry to see you like this.”

“Well you can’t blame yourself. You know that, right?”

Ningguang found she couldn’t bring herself to lie to you. Your gaze, though soft, seemed to pierce right through all her excuses and all her bluffing. She sighed softly. Maybe it would be better to be upfront about it, clear and concise, how one should always be. At least then she could apologize properly.

“In truth I do blame myself. I can’t believe I was so neglectful of your health, so blind to your pain.” She shook her head, staring at the hand that was holding yours. A disconnected part of her thought of how well the two fit together, fingers intertwined softly, your palm warm and comforting.

“If you were blind to this then so was I.” You spoke softly but firmly, refusing to sugar coat your words. Ningguang admired you for it, even if she didn’t believe you, something painfully clear in the expression on her face. “You cannot blame yourself.” You continued, “I won’t let you. I don’t want you beating yourself up for something that neither of us predicted. If you feel the need to blame yourself for this you must also blame me; I was the one walking on the injury without paying enough attention.”

“But – ” Ningguang paused, realizing the truth behind your words, slouching slightly she sat in deep thought. “I… I realize there’s not a lot of logic behind my thinking.”

“Well feelings are hardly logical.” You pointed out, squeezing her hand. “And because they’re illogical they don’t go away quickly. But I at least want you to try and combat your guilt with what I’ve told you. Because just like you hate seeing me in this cast I hate seeing you in pain.”

Ningguang nodded, heart filled with a deep sense of love and tenderness. Leaning over to give you a kiss she smiled softly. You did too. For a moment you two basked in each other’s presence and happiness, before you smile turned mischievous.

“Although… I won’t object to a little pampering.” Ningguang chuckled, shaking her head. But her smile was real this time, and you wouldn’t ask for anything more.

“You’re lucky I love you so much.”

“I know I am.” You replied. “And you’re lucky I adore you.”

“I am.” Ningguang’s reply was just as sure, was full of quiet but strong emotion. She was lucky. And she would never take you or your love for granted. No matter what.

Xiao

By the time he’d met you Xiao had long come to the conclusion that he’d never find it in him to like humans.

Humans were dirty, they were untrustworthy and full of darkness, they broke things without thinking about it, mangled their own people, their own families and friends and countrymen. Humans slaughtered one another without thinking of how it might stain them, and when they weren’t killing they were stealing and lying and ruining the land around them. How could he, a being designed solely to destroy the darkness in the world, ever find in himself the will or the ability to look past all that?

When he’d met you and had fallen in love in earnest this view had still changed ultimately very little. But even if you’d admitted that what he said was mostly true, you’d found that you still wanted him to learn to care at least a little bit about humanity. I mean you were ultimately one of them at your core. It didn’t feel right to prop yourself up as the one great exception, not when there were other people who were certainly like you in mind and in morality. Xiao silently disagreed with this analysis; to him there never was and never would be someone like you, in all of Teyvat. Still, he felt compelled to try, though more for your sake than for his, and as the weeks had gone on he’d begun to look at humanity not with any sort of respect or hope but with a sort of begrudging curiosity, and an admittance that maybe, just maybe, there was a bit of that light you saw in it.

What a fool he’d been.

Although Xiao was aware of the growing threat of treasure hoarders across Liyue – so widespread that they’d even managed to eat away at the tranquil lands surrounding Jueyen Karst – he’d never considered them a serious threat. So when the two of you accidentally ran into a group of them while exploring some of the older Liyue ruins Xiao didn’t bother to do much more than wrap an arm around your waist, sure that even the most idiotic of treasure hoarders wouldn’t be so foolish as to pick a fight with either an adeptus or their beloved. You seemed unfazed at any rate, explaining that the two of you were simply passing by and had no desire to pick a fight; if they’d be so kind the two of you would be on your way.

Perhaps the treasure hoarders were well aware of the fact that you could report them to the Liyue Qixing. Perhaps they were simply in a bad mood. Either way your words apparently did nothing. Xiao was becoming tenser and tenser, feeling as if something catastrophic was about to happen. That moment came to pass when one of the treasure hoarders pulled out a knife and threw it, lodging itself with deadly accuracy into your torso.

At that point Xiao felt himself overcome with a supernatural sort of calm, a calm which raced to cover up the anguish and rage that was coursing through him, threatening to burn him from the inside out. He only paused to make sure you didn’t hit the ground hard, before summoning his spear. Ignoring the cries of the treasure hoarders he made quick work of disposing of them, for what was a measly human, a piece of trash, when compared to that which had slayed countless demons? A small part of him cried out against the act, pointing out the fact that every time he wielded his polearm to kill it might bring him closer to the precipice, the fact that you were hurt mattered more than revenge, the fact that he was going to regret killing in front of you. He ignored it. At that moment there was nothing in his mind, it was as empty and staid as a clear pool of water. The only ripple in it was the way you’d jolted back in surprised, and the way you’d let out a cry before crumpling.

Xiao didn’t look back to see the havoc he’d wreaked. Instead he ran to your side. Peeling off his gloves, worried that they might bring infection, he pressed his bare hands to your wound, desperately trying to staunch the blood that was spilling out, ignoring the shocks that jolted through his hands, the result of the dagger somehow being infused with electro. The feeling of blood, your blood, beneath his fingers was nauseating, and for a moment Xiao felt his head filling with static as the pure panic that he’d felt began to overcome the initial rush of adrenaline. Snapping out of it when you let out a groan of pain Xiao looked into your eyes. They were clouded, and for a moment the adeptus was afraid you might be on the verge of passing out – had you really lost so much blood? Holding you tightly, one hand never leaving your wound, Xiao summoned a burst of air. His thoughts were still too chaotic to be processed, there was only one thing connecting them all. Let them live. If there’s any justice in this world, please let them live.

Verr Goldet had grasped the situation as soon as she saw Xiao appear on the balcony, face contorted in fear. Taking you to her room, she’d instructed Xiao to get one of the doctors from Liyue while she and the resident apothecary took care of you. Xiao did the task without thinking, and once he’d arrived with the doctor he refused to leave your side. Xiao knew death better than most adepti, certainly more than most humans. It was cold and unfeeling, and had a nasty habit of leaping onto people when they least expected it. It didn’t matter to him that all three, Goldet, the apothecary, and the doctor, said that you would be fine; Xiao was going to be there the entire time.

Eventually you managed to rouse yourself from the pain induced stupor, and when you did you saw Xiao first, eyes wide with fear and relief, tears threatening to spill down his face.

In the end you’d been lucky. Although the dagger had ruptured your spleen Xiao had acted quickly enough to avert catastrophe. You were going to survive, though it’d be 12 weeks most likely until you were completely recovered. The moment of crisis having passed the two of you were finally given a moment alone.

“Are you alright?” Xiao immediately asked. You didn’t make a move to answer, instead cupping Xiao’s cheek before moving to take his hand. At that moment how Xiao remembered. Oh; the blood. Quickly moving away he ran to the nearest basin of water, scrubbing furiously. As the water turned red a faint smell of iron filled the air; it was the most disgusting thing Xiao had ever smelt, and he scrubbed even harder. You waited silently as he finished cleaning his hands and disposing of the water. Finally he came back to sit next to you, still hesitating a moment before placing his palm in yours.

“I… I don’t understand how you could ever like humans.” That was the first thing Xiao could think of. “They betrayed you. Without even blinking. That man, all those men and women, they would’ve ended your life without even thinking about it. They would’ve killed you and lived without ever having such a thing weigh on their conscience. Humans never think about the weight of their sins. They just keep committing atrocities.”

“And what about you, Xiao. Will their deaths weigh on you?”

“As much as all the others.” Xiao wished he could be matter of fact about it, but he found that trait of his had somehow disappeared. Instead an emotion washed over him, so unfamiliar and unexplainable it seemed to choke him. “Perhaps more.” He managed to get out, before beginning to cry in earnest.

You would’ve died. If he hadn’t been there you would’ve died. For you he gladly shouldered the weight of human life, would do so again and again if only to ensure your safety. And yet it was such a heavy weight, and no matter how many Xiao killed it wouldn’t heal you.

“I’m sorry.” He choked out. You shook your head.

“Xiao I always knew that you weren’t going to be able to see humans as I see them immediately. And I know that you have a relationship with death and killing that most humans, most beings, will never have. I’m not going to blame you, nor will I turn on you. I cannot pretend that what happened didn’t make me angry. In retrospect it made me incredibly angry. It’s also true that – had you not been there – I would’ve raised my own weapon in self-defense. But now I’m going to ask you for one thing, and one thing only.”

“What?”

“Help me recover. Help me recover and let me help you recover. If there’s one thing I don’t want to happen now it’s for you to turn away from me and from everyone else, to let yourself be consumed. I want you to have somewhere you can let your feelings exist, and I want somewhere I can feel happy and comfortable as myself. You make me feel that way, so even if it’s selfish I don’t want you to turn away. And I don’t want you to grieve for me. Injured as I may be I’m not dead.” There was a pause as you let yourself catch your breath, having gotten more and more excited as you went on. “I realize that’s more than one thing.” You concluded, a bit sheepish.

Xiao said nothing for a while before leaning towards you. “May I?” He whispered. You nodded and Xiao pressed his lips to yours. The kiss wasn’t one of fire or passion. It was different, defined within the parameters of fear and relief, there seemed to be a sort of desperation in it, yet it was surprisingly sedate. Pulling away Xiao buried his face in your neck, careful to make sure he wasn’t touching where you’d been stabbed.

“I will. I promise.” He whispered. You nodded, smiling softly. But Xiao couldn’t bring himself to smile, not just yet.

Xiao couldn’t understand humans. They were dirty and cruel and lived without fear of consequences. Their actions haunted him and he found them easier to hate than to understand. But for you he’d try, because to him there was one thing strong than all, strong than fear, stronger than mistrust, stronger than hatred.

And that was the love he held for you.

Zhongli

If there was one thing Zhongli hadn’t been prepared for when it came to falling in love with humans it was their combination of fragility and utter ignorance to said fragility.

One of Zhongli’s favorite things to do was to simply sit and listen to you talk about your life. Humans fascinated Zhongli, it was one of the reasons he’d ultimately given up his place as Rex Lapis; inside him lived a desire to interact with humanity in a more intimate way, to know what made people behave as they did and to perhaps grow closer to them in the process.

But despite all that he still wasn’t ready for the utter fear he felt when listening to the stories of you getting hurt. You’d laughed off scrapes and bruises and fractures. The time you’d accidentally ripped off your nail was a painful yet funny anecdote, and the fact that you’d fractured your kneecap as a child was something you now looked back on with an odd sense of nostalgia.

Zhongli didn’t understand why these stories frightened him on such a visceral level. Such injuries were nothing to gods and adepti. Although the idea of a broken bone was certainly an irritation there was nothing more in it, and the kind of injuries that could easily kill humans would to Zhongli be the kind of thing that would be unpleasant for its novelty, not for its potential fatality.

He didn’t bring up these thoughts to you, feeling as if they’d somehow place an undue burden on you, or perhaps he was afraid you’d stop telling him about yourself. Still it lurked at the back of his mind, the fear of what might happen to you.

The fears that Zhongli harbored were proven in the most mundane, and thus most poignant, way. The two of you had been preparing a meal when suddenly you’d stumbled on an uneven part of the floor. Reaching your hands out to steady yourself your arm had landed flat on the hot stove, the stove which had been heating up for the past fifteen or so minutes. The scream that you let out sent a shock through Zhongli which shook him to his core. It rang through his ears incessantly, a terrifying reminder of how breakable humans were.

You’d immediately yanked your arm off from the stove but the sight that met both his and your eyes was a ghastly one. The skin on your arm was charred various colors, white blisters mixed with black flaky skin, all outlined in a terrible circle of red. You were shaking, and you face had turned a frightful ashen color. Springing into action Zhongli wracked his brain for all he could remember about burns. If the burn is serious enough go to the hospital. Never try to treat intense burns yourself as the burning has gone deeper than the initial layer of skin, raise your burn above your heart. Go to the hospital. Slinging your arm around his shoulder so that it was raised, whisper soft words of reassurance as you let out a shriek of pain, Zhongli half walked half carried you to the hospital, all while the same thought was running through his head.

How fragile humans are.

The doctors had insisted you stay overnight. Apparently the burn was bad enough to require surgery. Zhongli’s stomach had dropped as he was told that, but he managed to nod in response. Walking back home Zhongli felt all in a daze. He barely made it in the door before he collapsed, fear having seeped the energy out of him. The world pressed down on him, heavier than it’d ever been before. At least you’d be okay, he reminded himself. If he had anything to cling to at least he had that.

Zhongli was the first visitor to arrive at the hospital, having given Hu Tao the run of the funeral home as he spent as much time as possible with you. You were well enough, although a bit bogged down from the painkillers you’d been given. You’d once offhandedly commented that although magic infused medicine tended to be safer for the patient – more successful and less addictive – it was also more powerful; now Zhongli could see you weren’t kidding.

Your burn was wrapped up carefully, the doctors had managed to take the charred skin of, you’d explain, but now the burn had to be treated with the utmost care until the surgery later in the afternoon, infection was no joke.

“Well this’ll certainly be an interesting anecdote.” You let out half a laugh. “Not that I’m happy this happened, but at least this will shut up the next person who complains about how cardio was the most painful thing they’ve experienced.”

“I don’t know how you can be so cavalier about it.” Zhongli replied, tone soft and introspective. “It seems to terrifying to me, how easily humans are hurt.”

“Hey, I’ll be fine.” You assured him, voice soft but firm. “I understand how to adepti and archons and gods this might be terrifying. I’d be the first to admit we can’t really keep up with you in terms of pure healing and resistance to injury. But we’ve continued on this far haven’t we?” You smiled softly. “I promise I’m not about to die from something like a kitchen accident.”

“But what if next time it’s not your arm?” Zhongli replied. “What if it’s your neck or your chest? What if you cut yourself too deeply, what if your cut becomes infected. There are so many things I haven’t thought about until now, so many things that could hurt you. It frightens me terribly.”

“I’m very grateful that you’re worrying for me like this. But Zhongli?” You waited for his eyes to meet yours, smiling once more when he faced you. “You cannot be consumed by your anxiety. Believe me humans worry about these kinds of things. What if I tripped and fell and broke my neck, what if I scratched myself and developed and infection, what if I choked on an apple? These fears live with us, sometimes constantly, but we cannot let them consume us. As much as I’m flattered and glad you care for my wellbeing so much, I also don’t want you consumed by it, nor do I want to be treated like glass.”

“I cannot understand how you’re so resilient.” Zhongli replied after a short pause. You shrugged.

“We are because we must be.”

Zhongli knew in his heart that these fears he harbored weren’t going to go away. He knew that they were going to become more and more apparent through the month of your initial recovery, and through the longer period too as scar tissue formed and subsided.

Humans were indeed fragile. But if there was one thing stronger than said fragility it was their even greater determination to supersede it. Humans may be fragile in body, but they were stronger in spirit even than the gods.

That was something Zhongli wasn’t going to forget. Not for a very long time.

#my computer's about to die but this was totally worth it #also I never want to learn that much about burns again oof #tonight was wild #also I love ningguang so much aaa #kaeya #ningguang #xiao #zhongli #kaeya x reader #ningguang x reader #xiao x reader #zhongli x reader #genshin impact #genshin impact fanfiction #scenarios #my writing

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nohoney · 3 years ago

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Tell Me (When You’re Ready) 4.4

note: whoo finally back from a much needed break from the us series. went through a little bit of a lull where i had to step back and take some time apart from the series but i’m back again. this is something of an epilogue but also not? it essentially concludes part 4.

Us Series

warnings: 18+, drugs, toxic relationships, a bit of smut but nothing too descriptive

4.1 ✧ 4.2 ✧ 4.3 ✧ 4.4

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ✧

It’s a cold autumn night when you finally say it, when you finally tell them but it’s also done as a backhand to someone.

You convinced yourself that you did it because it was time to say it, you have heard both confessions so you needed to say it back.

In truth… you said it to hurt someone but you felt it justified.

You’re not a needlessly cruel person, you can get a little snippy and sarcastic but you’re not particularly mean to anyone. You’re too nice sometimes, stretching your patience out for certain people that took advantage of your kindness and that actually includes Touya but you have a strong relationship going so of course you let it slide with him. The point is, in general you’re just a decent person that doesn’t feel it’s necessary to put negative energy out in the world.

But you make an exception just this one time.

You just had to show her because clearly she wasn’t getting the hint.

Oh hell, who were you kidding?

They weren’t hints, Touya was literally telling the bitch to fuck off.

“The fucking cunt tried to force my zipper down so she could suck me off, almost had to knock her ass out when she wouldn’t get off me the last time.” Touya is pressing an ice pack to his cheek and glaring out into the view of his balcony, a cigarette in his free hand. You stand inside the apartment, the screen door shut but the sliding glass door leaves just a crack so that you can still talk to him, not wanting to breathe the smell of cigarettes directly. Keigo stands behind you with his arms looped around your waist, also apart of the conversation.

“And what, she smacked you afterwards when you pushed her off?” you ask as you lean your weight against Keigo.

“Of fucking course, you think I’m holding this thing to my face for fun?” Touya snaps at you before taking another drag.

Keigo squeezes his arms around you when you tense up, a silent signal for you to let Touya’s attitude slide. Understandably he’s pissed but you take it personal when he gets annoyed like this, like you feel like it’s your fault even though you had done nothing wrong. But Keigo reassures you by leaning down to whisper in your ear, makes it look like he’s just giving you a kiss to your temple, tells you to just let him be upset for the time being.

An eightball sits on the table, a little crumpled in its little baggy but otherwise not a drop was spilled when Touya snagged it back from Mai.

Touya’s whole body tense, his jaw is clenched, foot tapping repeatedly, and eyebrows pinched in annoyance. He’s muttering to himself, “Shoulda’ just cut the bitch off…”

You don’t really like to be around Touya when he’s tense like this, you’ve tried to calm him down a few times but sometimes he’s just too much for you to handle. So you let Keigo take the reigns and step away to go to the bedroom to give them some space. Touya’s still too pissed but he does utter out a quiet ‘alright doll’ in acknowledgement while Keigo kisses your cheek before joining Touya outside on the balcony. It’s best that Keigo help Touya cool down, more likely they’d both come to you when the mood was better.

And as you go into the bedroom and shimmy out of the pants you wore today, Touya’s phone vibrates on the nightstand. One notification… two notifications… three— wait it’s, four.

“Geez, who’s blowing up his phone?” you ask yourself quietly before picking up his cell. You unlock the preview screen of the phone, knowing Touya’s password since he gave it to you, and you sigh when two more notifications pop up. And it’s all from the same person, the whore that Touya decided to drop not too long ago. Mai’s sending message after message, apology texts for forcing herself on him. Pleas to not cut her off from the coke she’s come to rely on to get her through some rough days, his is the best and she won’t settle for anything that’s not his anymore. Desperate texts about cocaine then shift to her trying to reel him back to the arrangement they had before. You can’t help but frown that Mai is uselessly trying to seduce your boyfriend back into fucking her.

“C’mon, he already made it clear he doesn’t want you anymore.” you mutter to yourself as you look over the messages. “Fucking bitch…”

Very unlike you to use those kinds of words, Touya is rubbing off on you.

Keigo’s admitted to you in secret that Touya is coming pretty close to blowing his lid with this chick. And with what happened today, you wouldn’t be surprised if something was done about it. Touya obviously wasn’t going to go back, this is the first time in the relationship that he’s officially winding down the list of girls he still keeps to fuck, finally choosing one and tossing her out the window so that he can eventually just focus on you.

It’s annoying and a little hurtful still that after a year Touya is just now finally starting to get rid of the whores, but it strangely makes you happy at the same time knowing that he’s finally done it. You wish you knew the reason why Touya still bothered with them but he’s made it up to you, promised you that you’re his number one and that no one else means as much to him as you do. And what can you do but believe him, doing what he says and what he wants because you honestly don’t want to be without him either. Your body still tingles at the quiet murmur of Touya finally telling you he loves you when he thought you were fast asleep. Keigo’s own bold confession also brings a smile to your face and you think how much you love them.

Ding!

You frown at the notification.

It’s a nude.

You set down Touya’s phone and try to calm your nerves.

His phone notifications are suffocating and you don’t want to be in the apartment anymore, you feel like there’s something important you have to do. So you march out of the bedroom and head towards the sliding door, peeking your head out just a tad. “Hey, I’m gonna head back to my place okay?” you tell them, your heart beating a little fast in your chest and trying not to appear antsy. You can’t help thinking that what you need to do has to be done right away, that you might as well strike while the iron is hot. You have an excuse ready to use when Touya asks why but it lies useless on your tongue instead.

“No, stay here.” Touya commands without looking at you.

“But Touya, I really need-” you try to plead with him but you’re cut off once again as he says no once more. And normally you’d listen after the second time, especially considering the mood he’s in, but you’ve got adrenaline pumping in your veins and a mission on your mind that you just have to get done. “Touya, just let me-”

He doesn’t want to hear anymore, when Touya says that you stay, you stay. He pushes the sliding door open too hard, the glass rattling and startling you. He flicked the cigarette he was smoking over the railing, that same hand holding your jaw and squishing your cheeks a little roughly. Cigarette smoke lingers on his fingers as he holds you still, so close to your nostrils and you whine from it. You instantly cower and the adrenaline of determination is replaced with apprehension. You don’t like Touya’s temper, whether he’s directing it at someone else or you.

“Touya, be gentle.” Keigo says from his spot on the balcony, standing a little straighter and ready to get in between if needed.

“When I say stay, you stay. Understand?”

There’s no arguing with Touya, not when he’s got such an angry look in his eyes.

All you can do is nod your head and look down in submission. Never mind the reason why you were so eager to leave, that essentially you were being told to stay here without your permission, but in your mind you excused it. Whatever you wanted to do, it could wait, that it was better that you think about it first instead of just recklessly jumping into it. Touya was doing you a favor telling you to stay at his place without him ever knowing it.

Oh how everything Touya did change your thinking now, considering him more than your own feelings. But you think it’s okay, it’s okay because you love him and you understand him, loving someone means understanding the rough patches of who they are and knowing underneath that the things they do sometimes they don’t always mean it. You have to understand it and love it, even if it means letting your cheeks hurt from the way his fingers gripped into the tender flesh.

“I’m sorry Touya…” you whimper pitifully and look up at him.

Touya regards you quietly for a moment before telling you, “Go take a nap.”

He releases your face from his hold but it’s not gentle how he pushes you away, it almost makes your eyes water and that’s when Keigo steps in to smooth over everything.

“C’mon songbird, I’ll tuck you in alright?” Keigo’s leading you to the bedroom and gently shutting the door behind him. Touya should be the one reprimanded for treating you a little roughly but instead Keigo tuts gently at you as he brings you into a hug, “Baby, you know better than to test Touya like that. What’s gotten into you?”

Your shoulders sag in his embrace but you return it nonetheless. “I… don’t know. I’m sorry…”

His hand rubs your back soothingly and he kisses the top of your head, Keigo’s comfort easing you just a little bit. But even as he reassures you with sweet words and to just let what happened with Touya slide for now, you still think of what you were planning to do earlier if you hadn’t been commanded to stay here at the apartment. It would have to wait until you were out next time with neither of the boys with you.

And you think to yourself how much you love them, the echoes of their confessions making your heart bloom in your chest and the messages from Mai solidifying what you had to do for yourself.

It’s something you’d never done before, would never consider under the circumstances you’re putting yourself under but you needed to make a point.

Yumi is hosting another party at her house and you ask her what time the party starts, just like last time that she invited you but lets you know that your boys are welcome to come as well even though she’d like it to be just you. There’s a little bit of disappoint in her voice when you tell her Keigo and Touya will arrive with you, obviously wanting you to come alone so that she could have time with you, but you swear that you’ll treat her to brunch next time and it will be just the two of you. She seems accepting of it and cheers up at your proposal and then hints that she would like to re-up if Touya is going to attend anyway.

Touya comes into the bedroom after an hour and presses a kiss to your temple when you sit up against the headboard and asking how you feel. He doesn’t offer an apology from before, not that you were expecting it from him anyway, but he throws in ‘babydoll’ when he speaks to you, that subtle way of letting you know that he is trying to make up with you from before.

“Hey, let’s go to a party this weekend.”

“Don’t know if I’ll feel like it…”

He says he’s not in the mood but it swings in your favor when you pout at him and give him sad eyes, giving in simply because of what happened before. He’s not a social person, that much is apparent, but he’ll let himself be towed around by you if you’ll make it worth his time later on. And Keigo will be there alongside too to offset him, he’s very much included in what you plot in your mind.

And if you know the boys as well as you think you do, they’ll fall exactly into place where and when you need them.

You didn’t want to seem hasty by the time you arrived to the house, quickly greeting Yumi and a few other friends you haven’t seen in a while when you walk through the door. Keigo fits in naturally with the crowd while Touya remains standoffish with a disinterested gaze. He holds a beer in his hand and has an arm slung over your shoulders, not really used to being at a gathering and not conducting business.

He hates it but he at least came for you.

Yumi confirms for you that Mai is around and offers to act as a buffer if she were to come within vicinity of you, which you politely decline and say that you can handle it.

It does require a bit of liquid courage, a few shots of liquor to dull your nerves and seek her out.

Not that you had to look very far anyway.

Mai kept a respectable distance watching you and Touya from afar.

So she’s surprised when you approach her, your glazed eyes that tell her that you’re just a little drunk, that it hides the truth that you know why she’s bitter and directing it towards you. That it already hurt to know you were chosen by the man she still wanted but to see it right there in front of her was salt in her wound. But you told her that you could soothe her, that it doesn’t have to be like this, if she really wants back in then just play nice with you and maybe he would reconsider her again.

You instill a hope that maybe she can be able to reach out to Touya again, that in the way Keigo and Touya share you, that you’re willing to share him with her.

So you kiss her, your first kiss with a girl, a girl that hates you but cups your cheek as she leans into the kiss.

A girl who’s feelings you’re about to crush.

Touya and Keigo always have eyes on you, you know that ever since that party where you mixed for the first time and ran off, they don’t let you stray very far. Surprised doesn’t even begin to describe their shock when they find you lip locked with Mai, with the first whore that Touya decided to drop and was trying to get away from. So he approaches and turns your head towards him, his voice low as he asks you, “The fuck are you doing?”

“Makin’ out, s’okay yeah?” your words are a little slurred but you reach one hand to his shirt to pull him closer. “Make out with us baby?”

A beat of consideration.

Even Mai waits apprehensively but you have no worries because you know that Touya will say…

“Room, now.”

Keigo naturally falls in too, the four of you led up to Mai’s room in the house, heavy breaths and little moans from her that grate on your ears. You push it out of your mind that she’s made those sounds for Touya before you came along, been on his dick after buying buying a gram or two off him, but that she won’t be around again. It occurs to you that possibly what you’re about to do might piss off Yumi because this will definitely go around and you might potentially lose her as a friend but…

This is more important.

It annoys you a little too much how Keigo kisses Mai, seems a little too comfortable with his hands going up her shirt while Touya’s sucking a bruise onto your neck. Unlike Touya, he’s been faithful this entire time so it irks you to see your other boyfriend kiss her with just a bit too much energy. It bothers you but you know that you’ll get his attention with just a call of his name, “Keigo… Kei… kiss me.”

So he does, still groping at Mai while he leans towards you and tenderly presses his lips to yours. Under the impression that you were switching off to Keigo, Mai attempts to make her way towards Touya but you pull him towards you before he can even turn his head towards her when she whines out, “Dabi…”

Dabi… it’s almost foreign to you that a few months ago that’s what you called him.

No one else would ever get that privilege.

It’s just you that gets it.

Just you and them.

Us.

And it slips out earlier than you had expected but it falls naturally, “I love you…”

It stuns them for a moment but the boys know that they don’t have to fight over who you said it to because it was meant for the both of them.

It stuns Mai too, caught off guard to be apart of an intimate moment. To witness how Touya utters his own devotion to you, kissing you deeply and pushing her away and she knows that you set her up to look like a fool when you peak your eye at her with intention. And it’s not just one person you say it too, Keigo voicing it aloud as well and leans in to have his turn while she still stands stunned. It’s the most cruel thing you’ve ever done to someone else, right there in their own space too where she sleeps, reads, and does god knows what.

She gets the picture now.

Back off.

If you really wanted to be even more cruel and drive a stake through her heart, you’d kick her out her own room and let the boys have their way with you in that moment, you know she wouldn’t be able to overwhelm all three of you. You mildly entertained the thought of tainting the space that belongs to her and tarnish it even further with your bodies on her bed.

But you’re not looking to do that, you just needed to let Mai know that she would never get Touya back.

Well not that she ever had him in the first place but the message was sent regardless.

“Wanna be in our bed.” you whine to them.

No further instructions needed, you leave the party with a quick goodbye to Yumi who gives you a questioning look when she sees you coming from the bedroom hallway but says that she’ll see you later.

Keigo’s place is the closest to reach and it’s all a blur as you’re undressed by both boys and push you on the bed. You’re not quite certain where your body starts and theirs end when they join you, but they fuck you with a sentiment that was completely different than all the other times before. Better than the first threesome, better than when you all rolled together to fuck, it felt different and it felt right.

“Love you, fuck I love you.” Keigo hisses behind you, one hand coming up to hold your throat while the other pets your clit.

“Fuckin’ love you…” Touya whispers, his nails digging light crescent marks into your skin as you squeeze around him.

It was always in the atmosphere but unsaid, not until everyone was ready to voice it out loud.

And you were finally ready to say it back.

“I love you.”

#dabi x reader #todoroki touya x reader #takami keigo x reader #hawks x reader #tw toxic relationship #us series

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imthepunchlord · 3 years ago

Note

Do you have any thoughts on how the guardian role is handled lore wise? Would you change much about being the guardian?

Oh yes I do and there's so much that I would change up.

The more we see of the Guardians, the dumber they are and the more pointless they are. To a point it's a wonder if they were worth the inclusion as they don't amount to much and are just useless. I'm putting this undercut as I just go off.

- Lore wise, they set it up that adults are naturally more powerful, so why did Fu pick two kids to fight his battles for him? Why not adults? Why did he leave them on their own instead of offering them some means to have an edge over HM?

- Of the Ladybug and Cat, we have yet to see anything unique that the Cat brings to these fights that the other 15 miraculi that Fu has with him couldn't do. You need a distraction that's going to mess up the akuma? Monkey and Fox. You need a protector/aggressor? Bee, Turtle, or Dragon. Ladybug is a must as its the only cleanser so far and has ML to boot, but Cat doesn't need to be out there, and as soon as HM had quite publicly stated that he wants LB and Cat, Fu should've reclaimed the Cat immediately to secure its safety and that HM won't get both. Another or two could go out to replace it.

- Why was picking Adrien a good idea? If Fu had just arrived in Paris, ok, but Backwarder reveals he's been living in Paris for a while. And with that, he's seen Adrien's face everywhere.s Adrien is potentially the most well known kid in Pari. Technically, for Fu's want of secrecy, why pick the most iconic face in Paris to get a miraculous? That sets up one of your heroes to always have attention on him. Fu picking Adrien doesn't make any logical sense.

- Why is Fu ok with endangering one kid but not the other? Why does Marinette get a test set up that risks her life and Fu's if it hadn't gone well and Adrien just helps an old man up, a common decency that most would do. It's like two extreme differences that don't work well in comparison as Marinette gets the risky test and Adrien it looks like he got his miraculous on a silver platter as he got the far easier one that takes the least effort to be a decent human being.

- Fu being a terrible mentor and hero picker in general and the whole shebang with Syren. If Adrien is not meeting his standards or if he doesn't trust Adrien at all, why is Adrien being allowed to continue as a hero? Or if he really wants Adrien to stay, why isn't he doing anything about Adrien? Why isn't he telling Plagg to encourage Adrien to step up and get serious? If he can take on the role of being Adrien's Chinese teacher, why not do that to try and guide Adrien to improvement so he can also be trusted with Guardian secrets too and truly help Marinette out. He's got two options when he doesn't trust Adrien or finds that he's meeting his standards: he takes the miraculous back or he addresses this issue himself.

- I also call big BS about him not doing anything at all when he comes upon Adrien detransformed on the roof with Plagg. Cause he's risking himself going out to find Chat Noir only to find him detransformed. That realistically should raise some brows and concern him. Adrien at least should've gotten a lecture or warning.

- Also the reveal that kwamis aren't allowed to know about their own power. that to me is off putting. It really stresses that kwamis are beneath them, these very ancient and powerful beings that have probably seen a lot. And canon validates it by making them children (which to me is the writers being lazy so they don't have to do complex characters).

- The whole thing with Fu's backstory. Dumbest backstory I've ever heard and it just paints Guardians in a really bad light, and by extension, real life monks. Monks didn't go to people's homes to take children. If they did take kids with them, those kids had nowhere else to go and offered them a place to stay until old enough to be on their own. And that test, omg, wtf. Ok, I can get the idea of a test of temptation, but there are other ways to perform it without starving a kid. Especially leaving said kid alone unsupervised with 19 powerful miraculi two of which have wish granting abilities. How would the Guardians even know if Fu used a miraculous as they left him alone with mriaculi. If Fu wanted to, he could've made a wish to never be picked.

- Fu didn't even do shit when he finally had a chance to face off against HM. He just sat in his damb ball and allowed himself to get knocked around. At least try and roll over him! Be a ping-pong ball! DO SOMETHING. Like, why did you even pick Turtle??? Turtle wasn't able to do anything against Butterfly! I thought it could as Fu had been ready to go in Origins, plus the 5 are based off Wu Xing, by set up, Fox and Turtle should have some sort of an edge over the Butterfly. But I guess that means there could be other options aside form LB and we can't have that, Marinette's miraculous needs to be the only thing to take on the Butterfly to really stress on the fact that it comes down to only her.

- The memory wipe thing that's an apparently must when you retire from being the Guardian. Honestly I think that should've been saved as a last resort if you're ever captured and could be forced to leak info, not when you retire. Doing so removes a valid source of advisement that a new Guardian can rely on. History is there to learn from it and this tradition removes a source of history to learn from, either from having guidance or seeing what the old did and how you want to change things. This also makes me concerned as I see Adrien taking advantage of an amnesiac Marinette.

- I went off about the NY Special revealing there's more Orders here.

- And lastly, Su-Han, the other Guardian to see aside from Fu. And with him, it solidifies how stupid they all are. When the Butterfly is being misused in Paris, why is someone aggressive and judgmental coming to Paris? Why is this guy even working with kids when he doesn't like kids? And the reveal that Guardians don't use miraculi at all. That just makes that test all the dumber with testers being unsupervised. And for Guardians not meant to use miraculi, how come Marinette gets a nice perk as LB that she can pull a miraculous out of her yo-yo? They're probably playing that she's "the first" to do so but realistically, I'm pressing x to doubt. In the long history of miraculi and when Guardians were around, you expect me to believe that Guardians never used miraculi themselves? What if there was no one to turn to, do they just the disaster happen? ...Well, based on how terrible canon is setting them up, I wouldn't be surprised.

SO.

There is a lot I would change up about the Guardians and for this, I'll adjust canon.

- Adrien gets the ring another way, maybe a gift from his mom or aunt or grandparents. Realistically, there's no logical reason for Fu to pick Adrien. He just has too much attention on him and Chat being an unexpected miraculous user can make him wary, adding to him only trusting Marinette.

- I'd have Fu be more present in Marinette's life, a customer who comes in a lot. This way he can offer advise when needed but not take away from Tikki. And this has him more closely keeping an eye on things.

- I'd change up Fu's backstory. He got separated from his family in a flood, the previous Turtle saved him, tried to help him find his family and with no luck, took him to the Temple, but only the section where other orphans are where they work to help take care of it, oblivious to the miraculous near them. After a year, Fu is one of the few selected to be entrusted with miraculous knowledge. He's surprised but not all that for it as he'd rather go find his family still. Idk how Temple falls but its not that. That was just dumb and avoidable.

- I wouldn't have Adrien meet Fu at all. In truth, it actually could've been cut out entirely as Adrien meeting Fu didn't amount to anything. He doesn't help with Guardian duties, doesn't help pick heroes, hasn't stepped up at all in his role as a partner. And he's not as torn up about Fu's loss as Marinette is. Adrien meeting Fu was pointless in the grand scheme of things. Nothing was progressed or changed from Adrien meeting Fu.

- I'd have HM ONLY getting an edge on Fu because Mayura was there to help him, catching Fu off guard. I want to see the Turtle truly in action, to see what else it can do cause sitting there to be smacked around was just unimpressive. And if Asstruck even did as much research as he could, he'd know that in Chinese mythology, the Turtle is a boss. It's the keeper of history and symbol of immortality, and it's up there with Tiger as an animal that can go toe to toe with the Dragon. And of the Four Symbols (associated with 4 seasons), the Black Turtle is also known as the Black Warrior. There should've been a lot more to Turtle than just sitting in your shell and allowing yourself to be knocked around.

- Su-Han I'd drastically change up. I'd keep in him being critical and stern, but he approaches things smartly and patiently. Before he dives into aggression and accusations, he wants to know what's going on. Why does this 14 yo have the Miracle Box? How was the Butterfly obtained and misused? And what the hell is going on??? How are these people so small and how did they get into this thin glass box?? Computer? What's a computer??? Essentially, have fun with the fact that Su-Han is essentially a time traveler and one great bonding experience to have with Marinette while also offering some good comedy is him learning about the modern time and her acting as his guide. Su-Han can give her guidance that Fu hadn't been able to give, and Marinette can offer her own in a way that Su-Han will need. Which by extension could remove Marinette having a near mental breaking point and revealing herself to Alya, and could avoid some of that drama of what's coming.

- Speaking of which, Adrien. I'd use Su-Han to finally address the issues with Adrien as a hero and partner. Su-Han prioritized Marinette as she has the Miracle Box, but Adrien is someone he'd take the miraculous away from. Adrien would get a very clear warning and call out for his actions and role.

#ask Punchie #long post #Adrien salt #Fu salt #Guardian salt

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the-dubstep-strawberry · 4 years ago

Text

Blind Betrayal: In Defense of Elder Maxson

(I have no idea what prompted me to go full Elder Maxson Defense Squad late at night, but I’m having thoughts on this that won’t leave me alone, so here goes...)

Picture this.

You are Arthur Maxson.

You’re a member of a famous family line known for leadership, courage, wisdom, survival, tactical genius, accomplishing feats of glory in battle, and so on and so forth.

You are also the last member of that family line.

As a result, you have not only been saddled from birth with Expectations of Greatness, but with the terrible knowledge that if you fuck it up, you have doomed your entire bloodline to extinction and potentially placed the future of your faction - your home, family, friends, comrades, and whole way of life - in severe jeopardy.

No pressure.

You’re also twenty years old.

You were orphaned as a child and were quite shy, but you were also quite bright, creative, maybe a bit of a daydreamer. You liked to write stories and thought Liberty Prime was cool. The Scribe caste might have been a good niche for you. Unfortunately, you are Arthur Maxson, Last of His Line, and any control that you might have had over your own life has already been overridden by people older, wiser and more powerful than you. They’ve decided that you had to learn how to be a Knight and go charging into battle to perpetuate your family’s glorious reputation in combat, but also not to get yourself killed or else Your Whole Faction Is Doomed (again, no pressure).

So you learned to be a Knight, and probably got kicked up the ranks a little faster than most teenagers because not being a child prodigy was not an option for a Maxson. Luckily for you, you were able to live up to at least some of the hype, pulled off some brilliant tactical and diplomatic moves to crush Super Mutant invasions and incidentally reunite a rogue chapter, which became disillusioned on ideological grounds and left years ago, with the rest of your faction.

Nice job. Your fans will probably fill in the gaps with a little extra stardust and hype, so if you flubbed your lines once in a while, it’s probably not going into the Codex.

And now you’re Elder of the Brotherhood of Steel. Your entire faction looks to you for leadership and relies upon you for survival. You have quite a large army at your command and have cultivated an impressive reputation, and have now decided to leave your usual stomping grounds; you’ve embarked upon an ambitious campaign to liberate humanity from the sinister clutches of The Institute and the army of synths that they’re hoping to replace actual humans with. People expect nothing but complete and total victory from you. This is no time to screw things up.

(Did I mention that you’re twenty? Most guys your age are still finding their way around their Power Armor, goofing off in the barracks, chasing after girls, getting into hijinks on shore leave, and so on. But you are Arthur Maxson, and you have Responsibilities. No slack whatsoever will be cut here, and failure is not an option. If you go down, the Brotherhood of Steel falls with you and it will be your fault.)

Everything appears to be going well, the new Pre-War recruit is exceeding expectations and even grumpy Knight Rhys appears to merely resent their existence. All is going according to plan...

... until you find out that one of your men, Paladin Danse, a highly respected field officer of many years’ standing, is not what he appears to be.

You have long been impressing upon your crew the need to completely eradicate any and all synths because they are The Enemy and will destroy mankind, but one of them has infiltrated your senior command and knows all kinds of key strategic stuff about your faction, classified stuff, military intelligence, and other things that you really do not want The Enemy to know. If he’s been reporting back to them, they will soon know how to destroy your faction from the inside out.

He has also gone missing in suspicious circumstances and you think your new recruit, who was training under his wing, knows - or can at least find out - where he is. You’ve made efforts to keep this quiet while you tried to verify this intelligence with the rest of your senior officers - checking and double-checking, because holy shit, how could this have happened? This can’t be true. You don’t want it to be true. You trusted this man as a fellow officer and as a friend, and always spoke of his abilities and character in glowing terms. But this is not only a personal betrayal - it’s a professional one, with potentially far-reaching consequences. After all, how can your judgment be trusted if you confided in someone who was sent as an enemy agent to infiltrate and betray the Brotherhood? This could potentially destabilize the Brotherhood of Steel’s entire command structure and spell doom for yourself, your men, and possibly even humanity itself.

So now your faction is unexpectedly in mortal peril and the shit has hit the fan. Word has gotten out about this revelation and people are talking. Whispering, in fact. All the while, looking to you to see what needs to be done about this problem.

It’s clear what has to be done. However much you liked Paladin Danse, he is potentially a traitor with too much important information about your faction, and he cannot be allowed to run loose - or, worse still, report back to the enemy which placed him in your midst in the first place. So you send your new recruit after him, with the strict instruction that he is to be terminated.

You are, naturally, very pissed about all this and want the problem to go away as soon as possible. A threat to the safety and integrity of your faction, which has already splintered off into rival groups once, to disastrous effect, over disagreements with the general direction and trustworthiness of its leadership, is an unacceptable existential threat. You are not about to let the Brotherhood disintegrate on your watch. You can’t. You have no choice but to keep this together.

Unfortunately, there is a problem. Danse is very sincerely professing to know nothing about his true identity and claims to have always served the Brotherhood with unfailing loyalty. Your new recruit is inclined to believe him and is refusing to follow through on their mission objective.

You have no idea if he is telling the truth, or if he has been programmed to say this convincingly - so much so that he possibly even believes it himself. You are most likely incredibly pissed off by this whole situation, but there are greater things at stake here.

Like humanity’s future. And your faction and family legacy not being torn apart by internal division, with great risk of harm and death to the people who rely upon you for protection, justice and their very survival.

You can order that Danse be killed and know, whatever happens, that your faction will be safe from betrayal to its sworn enemy, even if the poor guy didn’t even know that he was being sent to spy on the people he was taught to call his brothers and sisters. You are very aware that this is a horrible outcome if he proves to be an unwitting party and genuinely unaware of his origins, but also acutely aware that if you start recanting your own statements about synths being The Enemy, you run the risk of undermining your entire campaign, losing the trust and respect of your men and your senior command staff, and possibly even being deposed as Elder. You were appointed Elder after a succession of unsuccessful candidates followed in the Lyons’ wake, and it’s very likely that whoever will take over from you will be - at best - a lesser candidate, and at worst, a potentially disastrous choice who will lead the Brotherhood into ruin, despair, madness, death, etc, etc. You know damn well that weak leaders don’t last long in the wasteland, and neither do leaderless factions. This is potentially a choice between Danse’s survival, or the Brotherhood’s - you can sacrifice a single hapless soldier to appease the threat of Scylla, or opt for Charybdis to try to spare him and risk having your whole ship pulled out from underneath you, condemning yourself and countless others to a terrible fate.

Or... you’ve been given a potential out. You can declare the former Paladin dead, but spare him by way of permanent exile, upon pain of death should he ever return. Only the new recruit will know the truth. Danse will still potentially be running around as someone who Knows Too Much about the Brotherhood’s military secrets, which is obviously a less than desirable state of affairs, but he will no longer be in a position to continue to spy and report back, so that aspect of the (perceived or actual) threat has, at least, been permanently removed. This option is merciful and, if you’re really honest with yourself, you probably prefer this one because it lets you off the hook to a degree and you no longer have to kill a trusted officer and friend. However, it also requires you to assume a great deal of personal risk, particularly to your reputation as a leader. What are your men going to say if they see the “dead” guy running around the Commonwealth and it becomes clear that you have not only failed to execute a traitor, but lied about it to everybody in your faction? How are you going to explain why you refused to kill someone who was planted in your organization’s ranks by a sworn enemy?

You have to choose one or the other. You’re the leader of the Brotherhood and this is a particularly shitty dilemma which you would really prefer not to be in, but you were appointed because these kinds of impossible decisions frequently arise in times of war, and you know that effective leaders sometimes have to make deeply unpleasant choices, opting to sacrifice one man in order to protect many more.

Either way, there’s going to be a downside and you’re either going to be regarded as a complete asshole (even if people are forced to reluctantly agree that you didn’t have much choice in the matter and acted out of concern for the safety of the Brotherhood and the success of your mission), or you can risk a great deal - perhaps far too much - all for the sake of a man you’re no longer sure you can trust, because good leaders are merciful and Danse has never steered you wrong before, even though he’s had plenty of opportunity to do so in the past.

It’s a hell of a decision and not one to be made lightly, but you have to make it nonetheless. You may be twenty years old, but the world is depending on you all the same, and there’s no way out of this one. The fates of you, your men, your mission, Danse, and all of humanity are potentially at stake and riding on that one decision.

Choose wisely, Elder.

#Fallout 4 #Blind Betrayal #Elder Maxson #Arthur Maxson #Paladin Danse #Danse #Fallout 4 spoilers #Brotherhood of Steel #Fallout 4 lore #between a rock and a hard place #cut Maxson some slack you guys #there's a lot riding on that decision #sometimes good leaders have to be the asshole #but I suspect that he secretly prefers being persuaded to spare Danse #even if he will never openly admit it #BoS discourse #I expect to get flamed out the ass for this one #but oh well #such is life

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canary3d-obsessed · 4 years ago

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Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 12 second part

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Funsies)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

After locking Wei Wuxian into some comically large chains, Wen Chao has him thrown into the dungeon, with an unpleasant surprise.

This Fucking Dog

Being a fan of The Untamed involves occasional second-hand embarrassment, like when they fly on their swords, or the zombies all have the same wig, or a fight sequence moves slower than everybody’s granny. It's ok because each of these things is offset by excellence in acting, story, costumes, weapons, sets, etc.

Then there's this fucking dog.

The department of questionable practical effects really outdid themselves with this thing. Just seeing this awful creation on screen gives me so much cringe squick I can barely look at it. But for you, dear readers, I FORCED MY EYEBALLS to watch the entire dog sequence OVER AND OVER. Then I applied some brightness adjustments and looked at it EVEN MORE.

Let's get desensitized! I’m going all in on this monstrosity.

First, this dog does not ever move its body or its feet. Its legs are totally immobile. It appears to be made of a big sawhorse with a stick for the neck. The head swings up and down and side to side. That’s it.

“Animatronic” is too generous of a term for this thing. The animatronics at Chucky Cheese learned to play musical instruments and host birthday parties decades ago. This dog cannot play an instrument and it has to wait for Wei Wuxian to walk over to it before it can attack him.

When it falls over after Wen Ning K.O’s it, it’s like a chair falling over. It just topples to the side, legs sticking straight out.

(more after the cut)

Next, It has a mouth full of teeth, which opens and closes. And it has drool the texture of Astroglide Extra-Thick Gel. But...no tongue.

Seriously you guys, it literally does not have a tongue. They just sculpted a little bump at the at the bottom of its mouth, despite dogs being known for, like, lolling their tongues out of their mouths at every opportunity.

Moving along, it has dull, lifeless eyes, and its eyelids are visibly disconnected from the rest of its head, like a doll that mechanically shuts its eyes when you lay it down to sleep.

Finally, its fur looks like a fucking muppet, and it has random shiny spots all around its eyes and lips. These are probably supposed to be body fluids of some kind, but they just look like someone was careless with the cra-z-glue.

Xiao Zhan gamely tries to act opposite this ridiculous fail prop, but there is nothing remotely scary about it.

Here is Wei Wuxian being scared. I replaced the animatronic dog with a reversed clip of my dog Pepper asking for a piece of cheese, and I think it looks more convincing this way.

Ok, let's be done with this stupid fucking dog. Wen Ning knocks it out, Wen Chao criticizes it in the morning, and nobody ever speaks of it again.

Wei Wuxian is so mortified to have endured this farce that when Lan Wangji asks him, much later, “why are you afraid of dogs?” he does not say “don’t you remember that time I got chewed on by a giant animatronic dog at Wen Chao’s place?” but instead pretends that this never fucking happened.

Wen Ning to the Rescue

For contrast, the next dungeon scene is a really touching and important encounter between Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian.

Wen Ning comes and knocks out the creature, and gives Wei Wuxian medicine.

Wen Ning is doing this in defiance of his clan and his sister, simply because Wei Wuxian is his friend. Yes, he feels indebted, but Wen Qing saved WWX’s life once, so the tally is already even. Wen Ning is just super attached to Wei Wuxian, and vice versa; WWX calls him Wen-Xiong in this scene.

When Wen Ning explains how to use the medicine, Wei Wuxian changes the subject to ask how WN and his sister are doing. He is bleeding, chained up, high on adrenaline and fear, and what he really wants is to hear how his friends are doing. When Wen Ning talks about Wen Qing’s troubles, Wei Wuxian wishes she would accept help, instead of always going it alone.

Wei Wuxian thanks Wen Ning formally, and tells him no words can express his gratitude. Whether this is a literally correct translation, the gratitude both of these young men feel toward each other transcends words. It will become a driving force in both of their lives as they save each other from increasingly awful situations.

Wen Ning tells Wei Wuxian about the burning of Cloud Recesses....the burning of the half we never visit. It would suck to damage that exquisite set, so I’m ok with that production choice, but creates some cognitive dissonance when characters get upset about the fire.

Wei Wuxian reacts to the news of Lan Wangji’s injury by punching the concrete floor of the dungeon, which is dumb but also highly relatable.

After Wen Ning leaves, Wei Wuxian decides to save the medicine for Lan Wangji, who might not even need it, while WWX is bleeding right now and definitely needs it. No matter how bad things are for him personally, Wei Wuxian is always thinking about ways to help the people he loves, and constantly seeing his own needs as less important than everybody else’s.

Breakfast Time

After his night of terror and maiming, Wei Wuxian emerges as chipper as ever. Almost like he is already an expert at hiding his trauma from the people close to him.

Lan Wangji gives him a careful look, taking in the sight of his ripped clothes and bloody neck and hands.

Jiang Cheng is angry at Wei Wuxian for joking about his injuries, so he shoves him, potentially causing more injuries.

Wei Wuxian laughs off the signs of torture and attempted murder and everyone goes along with it. Nobody knows what happened to him other than "dungeon" and what he looks like right now, and they’re all just like, okey dokey, I guess you’re fine.

He’ll carefully laugh off his months in the burial mounds in the same way, later, and Jiang Cheng will accept it nearly as readily as he accepts this. But by that time Lan Wangji will see right through him.

Nie Huaisang mentions the Lan Clan in the course of discussing breakfast, and then everyone pauses awkwardly because they know that mentioning this will make Lan Wangji think about the recent attack on his home and the deaths of many of his fellow disciples. Whereas if nobody had mentioned it, he totally wouldn't think about it. That's how grief works, right?

Insult to Injury

Wen Chao decides to spend some time gloating about battles and insulting people's families, which he does with Wen Qing standing behind his eyeline so that she can warn Wei Wuxian not to let his brother go off.

Jiang Cheng is not going to let anybody who isn't his mother insult his father like that, but in a reversal of their normal roles, Wei Wuxian restrains him and helps keep him from doing something rash.

Monster Hunting

Wen Chao makes everyone read out loud until Nie Huaisang wisely faints and gets carried off. Then he gathers everyone for a monster hunt. It's unclear why he wants to go monster hunting but he sure does, and bringing the hostages along might make them all die, which would be a nice bonus.

The cultivators wander around en masse in a small section of forest, thoroughly covering every inch of it. This is a great way to hunt for a dead body but not so good for living prey.

Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng stand around like bitchy queens at a dance club, talking smack about Wen Chao and his girlfriend.

Wei Wuxian brings out a salty phrase and Jiang Cheng wonders what websites he's been going to.

Dude. Lighten up.

Leave that Boy Alone

Wei Wuxian notices Lan Wangji struggling, and now that he knows the backstory, he's determined to help. Jiang Cheng is determined to stop him.

This is, once again, the fundamental disagreement between the brothers, and it's never going to be solvable. Jiang Cheng's specific dislike of Lan Wangji may be rooted in jealousy, but his belief in not helping outsiders runs a lot deeper than that.

For Wei Wuxian, there is no such thing as having helped enough. If someone is his friend, he will never stop helping them, and he has a lot of friends, and makes new ones wherever he goes. He's always going to be giving something of himself, to the detriment of any conflicting obligations.

Jiang Cheng tells him that Lan Wangji won't accept his help, and Wei Wuxian says that's not the point.

What other people think, want, say, or do, is not going to have any effect on whether Wei Wuxian does what he feels is right. This is a bit of a problem where a person's right to self-determination conflicts with Wei Wuxian's need to help them, as Jiang Cheng will eventually discover.

Jiang Cheng's least effective argument is the one he relies on most often when they disagree: other people's problems are not our responsibility. He's saying this to an orphan who was eating trash and stealing scraps from dogs before Jiang Fengmian came into his life.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t seem to realize the underlying logic of this argument. If it's wrong for Wei Wuxian to help the people he cares about, it was also wrong for Jiang Fengmian to help Wei Wuxian. Jiang Cheng loves Wei Wuxian and would willingly die for him, but he, like his mother, rejects the philosophy that brought them together in the first place.

Wei Wuxian walks away from an upset and shocked Jiang Cheng to offer a piggyback ride to Lan Wangji.

...who won't accept it, but who will remember the offer forever.

Writing prompt: Thoughts of an animatronic dog

Soundtrack: Five Nights at Freddy’s by The Living Tombstone

#fytheuntamed #the untamed #wangxian #chen qing ling #wei wuxian #giant animatronic dog #lan wangji #jiang cheng #restless rewatch the untamed #my gifs #canary3d-original #the untamed spoilers #embarrassment #this dog is why I started writing these #this goddamn dog

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milkacchan · 4 years ago

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Request for anon: Hi! Could you write hcs for poly bakusquad with a quirkless reader who has a serious independent streak but has recently been a target for villain attacks and got injured, but refuses to rely on anyone and tries to ignore their pain and take care of everyone else, please?

This is gonna be a little angsty

• First- it annoyed bakugou that you, someone /quirkless/ made it into the hero class

• On pure fucking spite and anger alone

• You didn't even particularly want to get in to UA

• It was just something you chose to prove someone wrong about

• and it fucking aggravated him- more than aggravated him

• Inspired Deku though, he hated that even more

• and he isn't surebhow- but he ended up talking to you and suddenly you're part of his friend group and he's /okay/ with that

• that irks him too.

• and a lot of things are uncovered when y'all are friendly w eachother

• and they learn pretty fucking fast about your independent streak

• and when you all started dating (crazy how they managed that) they thought it might go away- only it didn't.

• You never asked for help, regardless of what it was- you'd handle it on your own.

• You got hurt during training? Don't worry about it, I'm fine.

• Failed a test? You'd disappear for a few days to study and retake it.

• Didn't know what you were doing in a particular subject? You'd teach it to yourself.

• Aizawa had heard the words 'help' ONCE and he was limited to the help you'd allow him to give you .

• You trained your ass off everyday, you worked hard in school, you took no shit- it was obvious you felt like you had something to prove.

• Bakugou felt like he was a partial reason for that and it made him feel like shit.

• He wasn't exactly the kindest to you when classes started in first year.

• But he was concerned.

• They were all concerned.

• recently, you'd been stressed out. They could tell, even if you weren't giving them signs.

• On top of that, you'd become a big target for villains and no one knew why.

• it seemed like both you and midoryia were a magnet for assholes in masks

• And they tried talking to you about it, they do.

• Denki brings it up, he's holding your hand, Kirishima is threading his fingers through your hair and Seros behind you, holding your waist. Mina is in between your legs, resting her head on your chest and bakugou is at the end of the bed.

• And Denki asks if you need help- whether its coping with it- or dealing with it while its happening- or trying to figure out /why/ they're attacking you

• and you blow him off "it doesn't matter, i'll deal with it if it happens again."

"It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when." Bakugou glares.

"Okay, then when it happens again, I'll deal with it."

"That's fucking stupid," he growls.

Kami squeezes your hand gently. "Maybe we should have a plan-" he glares at Bakugou.

"I was fine last time. Don't do this."

"Do what? Offer fucking help?" Bakugou snaps and Mina cringes. She grips your shirt. She knows what's going to happen, she knows you're going to stomp off to think- it could be a few hours or it could be days. Sometimes, if she held something on you, you'd stay. She hoped this was the case.

"Your fucking pity." You seeth. "I don't need it. I can take care of myself."

"Baby we didn't-" kiri starts but you're already sliding off the bed.

"Babe," Sero looks at you. "please come talk about it,"

You say nothing, and let the door close behind you.

"Fuck." Mina sighs

• Its 2 days.

• 2 days before you resurface, calm and collected, like nothing happened.

• but you're busy- you're training harder. Much harder, you're pushing yourself past your limits and its obvious

• they were already impressed. Theg already knew you could take care of yourself. Why couldn't you see that?

• you push and push and push

• and they don't see as much of you

• when they do see you at the end of the night, you always look exhausted

• and you put on the same fucking front each time

• you smile and laugh and kiss them goodnight but they can see you're in pain

• they don't even get a chance to talk about it with you

• because the next thing they know

• theyre in another attack and youre in the center of it

• You're fighting and you're holding him off but you aren't going to last much longer

• You were tired from the day before- you hadn't gotten proper sleep- and he was strong

• It's all kind of a blur, really, you're thrown a lot, youre bleeding

• he had you by the neck at the end, you were clawing at his hands and he was laughing

• your mates weren't exactly in the best shape either- after all, the attack had happened in the middle of the night

• A strong kick to the center of his nose seemed to do the trick. There was a sickening crack and his hand loosened and he fell back.

• When you regained youre senses you froze- he wasn't breathing.

• you /killed/ him.

• Your stomach churned and suddenly all the pain you felt increased ten fold.

• You scrambled to stand up, Mina was the first one you saw and you fell to your knees in front of her, cupping her cheeks. "Baby? Baby you okay?"

"M fine, but you're not, that's a lot of blood." She looked up at you her eyes wide. "Baby that's a lot-"

"I'm okay, I promise."

• She wanted to yell and scream and you, she wanted to hit you and telling to just accept help but you'd already stood up, moving to look around for the others.

• Denki was next, you met him with a hug and a short but desperate kiss. "You okay?" You whisper, brushing your thumb over his bruised cheek. Mina was behind you now, gently brushing her fingers through the blondes hair, but she stepped away when she saw Kiri and Bakugou.

"I'm okay, I'm okay," he smiked softly.

"Eiji? Katsu?" You mumbled.

"They're okay, they're fine. You don't look so good though."

"M- M okay.." you mutter. Youre tired now. Standing here is nice. You're dizzy- Ashido was right. That was a lot of blood.

Your eyes close and your weight falls.

"Hey- Hey- Jesus! Guys! Katsuki! I don't- I can't tell if she's breathing-"

• You wake up in the hospital 2 days later.

• Mina's in the bed with you, hand thrown gently over your thighs. Sero and Denki are on the left side, heads down, eye's closed and arms over your shin.

• Kiris got your left hand in his, another hand in Minas hip.

• Bakugous on the right side, arms crossed and head down.

• and youre confused because why the fuck are you here?

• what happened?

• you miss Katsukis voice next to you when it all comes back

• and you can't help but scramble to sit up and suddenly you can't breathe

• youre not sure how long you zoned out, but when you finally get back, there's two nurses

• ones replacing and IV bag

• and the other is checking your tempature, you think.

• theres another needle stick in your arm but you can't pay mind to it right now.

• the warmth around you was gone and you desperately wanted it back.

• they weren't in the room anymore

• and when the nurses cleared the room, the tears spilled over.

• your brought your hands to cover your face and your head fell back.

• five minutes? 10 minures? Later there was a gentle tap on your shoulder

• it was ashido

• your arms were around in her seconds

• "You okay?" She whispered as the others took their spots around the bed.

"No," you shook your head. "I killed him- and and I could've gotten you guys hurt because I didn't listen," your breathing had started to get faster again.

"Hey, it's okay. Just breathe," she soothes, thumbs stroking your cheeks.

"I can't- I- fuck /help me/-" you gasp out

• It takes awhile, but they managed to calm you down.

• Ashido just holds you, she lets you cry, and Kiri reminds you that you're okay

• they do most of the comforting usually

• when you're breath has finally started to even out, and you can feel the pain again, you know you'll be asleep soon from the pain meds.

"How bad was it?" You whisper, hands still gripling Minas shirt.

"Bad." Katsuki spoke. "You stopped breathing when we got you here."

Sero rubbed his face. "You needed a blood transfusion. They weren't entirely sure how it was going to end."

"You were...you were just standing in my arms and then you weren't moving. And then you weren't answering-" denki breathed. "There was blood everywhere."

"What about you guys?"

"Can you just stop?" Katsuki groaned. "Can you just let us worry about /you/? Let us help. Don't ask about us. You almost /died/ and your only fucking thought is us. Why?" He was crying, head down, hands gripping his pants.

"He's got a point. It's okay to ask for help," kirishima whispers. "So why don't you?"

• you're quiet for a few moments.

• do you go into detail.

• or do you dodge the question.

• ultimately, the fear of losing them outweighed any shame you would have felt

• "its hard not having a quirk." You mumble, eyes down. "Quirks are practically currency. And power is highly valued. I don't have that. I don't have any of that. I'm in a constant risk of being replaced and if I ask for help, they know I'm weak. I can't ask for help."

• And they all feel their hearts shatter a little bit.

• Bakugou had poked fun at you for quite some time in first year for not having a quirk.

• and Denki wasn't much better- neither was Sero. They'd make jokes about how fast you'd drop out.

• Bakugou would break a little bit, reminding you that you weren't weak. You still being alive was proof of that.

• and slowly

• slowly you get accustomed to ask for help.

• its not necessarily with words- sometimes they ask and you just nod

• or you ask in your own way.

• youre independent streak remains- but its not as bad.

#bakugou katsuki #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugo x reader #my hero academia #poly bakusquad #bakusquad #poly bakusquad x reader #mina ashido #mina x reader #sero hanta #sero #sero x reader #denki kaminari #kaminari denki #denki x reader #kirishima x reader #kirishima eijirou #eijirou kirishima

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in-my-feels-probably · 3 years ago

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INEFFABLE - Kaz Brekker

Chapter Eight

If you would like to read this on Wattpad, it’s on there as well, my @ is in_my_feels_probably and there’s a few visuals and better descriptions and stuff on there. otherwise, enjoy, let me know what you think, and you can check out my masterlist for updates and more. don’t forget to read the prologue, it’s important to the story!

INEFFABLE – Kaz Brekker

ineffable (adj.) too great to be expressed in words, utterly indescribable; too sacred to speak of.

Chapter Eight

Back in town, the Crows were in a bar, gathered around Kaz who had spread out the blueprints to the Little Palace. Inej and Jesper were talking back and forth, trying to make the best route. Elham was quiet, scanning her eyes over the prints.

Inej finally looked up. “There’s no way in.”

Kaz nodded. “And no way out.”

Arken smiled to himself, standing up straight. “Well, I thought this plan might not work…”

Suddenly, in the back of the club, the acrobat fell from the top of the silks she was at, slamming onto the floor, the crowd around the stage gasping. The Crows all turned to look, trying to figure out what happened, but Arken just smirked, looking down at the table.

---

It had been a few minutes, Arken had scampered off somewhere. Elham was sipping her drink, leaning her weight against Jesper, who was sitting on the stool next to her.

Inej sighed, turning to Kaz, who looked as annoyed as ever. “Got any plans up your sleeve?”

He barely even looked in her direction, still staring off.

Jesper pivoted towards them, knocking Elham away from him for a second, before adjusting and laying his arm around her shoulder. “I mean, Kribirsk isn’t the worst. We can open up a bar. Brew East Ravkan beer for the Westerners?”

The rest of the Crows collectively groaned. “Shut up, Jesper.”

Jesper sighed against Elham, removing his arm and turning away from her. “I miss Milo.”

Arken came bustling up to them, scaring Elham. He just pushed her to the side, and Kaz gave her a look when she slowly reached for the knife strapped to her thigh.

“Friends. This is Marko. Marko is the leader of the traveling troupe known as the Pomdrakon Players. They have been invited to perform in this year’s winter fete.”

Marko stood next to them, tears streaming down his face. Elham took a step back. “A lifelong dream.”

Arken nodded, patting his shoulder. “Yes, yes. A chance to get us inside the Little Palace. But they lost their star performer due to an unfortunate freak accident. They are in desperate need of someone with the skills to replace their star performer, and as Ketterdam’s premier talent manager, I had an idea.”

Elham smirked, turning to Inej. “You’re up, love.”

She sighed, turning to Kaz, unstrapping all of her knives from her body, placing them in Kaz’s gloved hand, following Marko to the silks.

---

The Crows watched Inej at the top of the silks, twirling and spinning. Elham was grinning, watching her graceful movements as she tumbled up and down, flipping around. She slid down, before stepping to the side, raising an arm and taking a bow.

Elham cheered next to Jesper, who was clapping and laughing.

Marko approached Inej. “The Saints must have sent you. Yes, the show will go on. Now, can you fit into this?”

He held up a colorful leotard. She hesitated, but Jesper stepped up, clapping her shoulder. “Of course she can! Those are her colors. But the thing is, Inej comes as part of a package deal.”

“No free rides. What are your talents?”

---

Jesper had shown off his mastery with his revolvers, and Marko had clapped, accepting him into the crew.

Marko turned to Elham and Kaz. “Stage is yours.”

Kaz shook his head. “I’ll make my own way.”

The attention was now on Elham. She sighed, looking around the room, before landing on one of Marko’s crew. “Sir...can I borrow your sword?”

Marko nodded to the man, and he handed her his sword. She gripped the hilt, eyeing the blade. It was nothing compared to the sword Pekka had broken and taken, but she had missed the familiar weight of a sword in her hands, and she brought it down to her side, gripping it tight.

“Jesper, hand me that bottle.”

She took the bottle from him, setting it on the table in front of her. She placed a card on top of it, taking a step back. She brought the blade close to her, before quickly swinging it out, jumping into the air, spinning and turning, striking the sword through the air.

Kaz watched her movement, entranced. It was almost as if she was dancing. She was so graceful with her movement, leaping and gliding through the air, the sword acting as another limb, like it was part of her.

She had partially climbed up the silks now, the sword tucked between her shoulder blades, strapped through her belt. Once she had the silk secured around her waist, her legs locked tight, she bent all the way back, now upside down. She used her arms to get the silk swinging a bit, propelling her body back and forth..

“Jesper, hold the bottle from the bottom. Leave the card on top.”

He hesitated, but did as she told, holding the bottle out away from his body. She swung closer to him, eyes zeroing in on the card, still upside down. She swiftly pulled the sword from its place behind her, and swung the tip over the bottle, sticking the end through the card.

She had cut off the top of the cork in the bottle in one clean slice, the card now barely impaled by the tip of the sword, straight through the center of it. She flew back through the air away from Jesper, unlocking her legs from the silk, stealthily landing in a crouched position, the sword still in her hand, held away from her body.

Placing the sword on her back once more, she did an aerial cartwheel, landing directly in front of Marko, who’s eyes were wide, as well as the rest of the crows. She pulled the sword from her belt, tossing it back to the man it belonged to, before turning back to Marko, who was smiling.

“Bravo! Can you do that in a dress? A beautiful girl at the fete with a sword strapped to her back would be a sight to see. I think I have something that’ll fit you nicely.”

Jesper snickered, and she sent him a glare. “Yes, I can wear a bloody dress. I’m going to need another sword, though.”

Kaz stepped up. “I can make that work. Are we ready, then?”

Marko eyed his new members of the crew, rubbing his hands together.

“To the Little Palace!”

---

The Crows approached the gate to the Little Palace with Marko’s crew, Kaz nowhere to be found. He had nicked a sword off a guard’s post, handed it to Elham, and gone off. Elham might’ve worried more about where he was, if her stomach wasn’t in knots from standing in front of the gates of the place she swore she would never return to.

Marko walked to the front of the crew, handing his credentials and admission papers to one of the guards. Elham fiddled with the fabric of the dress he had given her. She certainly wasn't looking forward to putting it on.

“That one is our invitation to perform, signed by the Queen.”

The guard looked unimpressed, handing the papers back to Marko. “This writ allows you access to the grounds, the main ballroom, and nowhere else. You are being employed by the Queen, you are not her guests. You are to stay together as a group at all times. No guns, knives, weapons of any kind. Punishment for violation of these rules ranges from being fired to being fired upon. Now, do we all understand these rules?”

The guard eyed Elham, seeing her hand on the hilt of her sword. “You leave that at the gate, or you don’t come in at all.”

Elham’s heart sank. She needed to get in there, the plan relied on each of the Crows fulfilling their parts.

Marko turned to her. “Sorry, love. I need the acrobat, and Jesper will come in handy with his talents some other way. You’ll just have to stay here, no offense, but your skill with that sword was about all you were good for. You can keep the dress, though.”

Saints, Kaz was going to kill her. She looked to Jesper and Inej, eyes wide, looking for help. They just gave her a look of pity, Jesper shrugging his shoulders. She would have to find some other way in.

Elham mustered up a smile. She knew she had to trick the guard, she had to pretend like she wasn’t coming back, and she hoped Jesper and Inej would catch on. “It’s alright, I’ll just go back into town, wait for you. I think I saw a friend in the city earlier, I’ll just go and find him. Have fun, good luck!”

Jesper’s shoulders relaxed, and he nodded. Suddenly, a man screamed, being pulled out from under their carriage.

The guard rolled his eyes. “Oh, for Saint’s sake.”

“The Sun Summoner! I just want to see her!”

Guards gathered around the man, backing him away from the gates. Elham eyed one of the guards, before realizing one of them was Kaz in a stolen uniform. He met her eyes, before slightly nodding his head, motioning for her to wait.

The guard spoke. “Post up now!”

The guards began moving into place, and Kaz headed for the gates. He pretended to scan the crowd, before muttering under his breath. “Tell me you have a way in.”

Elham huffed. There was one way she knew she could get herself in. She could easily pass herself off inside, if she could get in. Not wanting to explain any more, she just nodded. He slightly nodded back, and he, as well as Marko’s crew and the Crows, passed through the gates.

Elham sighed, knowing what she would have to do.

---

Elham ran back through town, all the way to the edge, going off into the trees. She ran for what seemed like miles, before heading down the path of a stream. Her legs were aching, her chest was burning, but she knew she was running out of time. She finally landed upon the little path she was looking for, an entrance to a cave, and she shuddered, heart beginning to race.

This was the path Baghra had taken her down when she escaped the Little Palace when she was 13. It led through a system of tunnels, all the way to Baghra’s hut.

She took a deep breath, before heading into the tunnel system, trying her best to remember which way to turn. She had already been taking too long, and she knew Kaz must be seething somewhere in the palace, wondering why she hadn’t caught up with him yet. She hadn’t lied, though, she did have a way in. She just wasn’t sure how reliable it would be.

She reached a small wooden door at the end of the tunnel system to the back side of Baghra’s room. She put her ear to the door, holding her breath. She listened for movement, and when she heard none, she opened the door.

Elham had always wondered if she would see anyone again from the Little Palace, if anyone would still remember her. She always expected to never see them again, and if she did, she thought she would be afraid.

What she didn’t expect was to break down into tears, chest heaving, the second she saw Baghra in the corner of the room, seated by a fire.

Baghra swiftly turned to Elham, now standing, alarmed and ready to attack. “Who are you? How did you get in? I’ll--”

Baghra suddenly stopped talking, taking a cautious step closer to Elham. She scanned her face for a moment, before whispering. “Elham? Saints, what are you doing here? You foolish girl, I told you to never return! You know what he plans for girls like you. Why are you here?”

Elham sucked in air, trying to calm herself. She choked out the words. “Is it true? Is she real? The Sun Summoner?”

Baghra said nothing, but the look on her face was enough of a tell.

Elham’s face fell into disbelief. “Does he plan to use her too? The Darkling?”

Baghra only nodded, eying Elham cautiously, taking a minute to speak. “Why are you here, I won’t ask again.”

“I want to get her out. Alina. I’m here to get her out, away from him.”

“You expect me to believe that? You came all the way here, alone, risking getting captured or killed, just to come save the Sun Summoner? Why?”

“That’s not what I came here for, at least at first. And I’m not alone. But I promise, I can get her out, and I won’t let anything happen to her. If she can do what everyone has been saying she can, it’s too dangerous for her to be around him. Please, you have to get me in there, I have to help my friends. If something happens to them, and I’m not there to help--”

Elham let out a sob, knees beginning to buckle.

“Quiet, child, I believe you. Tell me, have you been practicing? Your powers?”

Elham nodded, wiping at her eyes. “Yes. I only do it alone, though, it’s still hard to control once I first start. I didn’t want anyone to know about my abilities, so I only ever practiced at night. I think I’ve gotten a lot better, though. Certainly more dangerous, if not anything else.”

Baghra nodded, before raising her hands above her head, and swooping them down in one fast motion. The room filled with darkness, and the fire went out. Elham gasped, unable to see a thing. The only thing she could make out in the room now was Baghra’s voice.

“Then prove it to me.”

“Baghra--”

“If you want me to let you go, and you want me to help you, prove to me you can do this.”

Elham curled her fingers into a fist, tears stinging at the corner of her eyes. She was scared. She was dangerous. But she had to do this, she had to get into the palace. She took a deep breath, slowly raising her hands. She felt the power flowing through her, reaching her fingertips, and in one quick motion, she flicked her wrists towards where the fireplace was.

A flame erupted from her fingertips, the flame flying through the air, landing in the fireplace. The logs went up in flames, and Baghra could once again see Elham through the dim light. Elham gasped, before flicking her wrists again, extinguishing the flames in her palms.

Baghra scanned her face for a moment, pondering. “You’ve learned quickly I see. Lots of potential. Shame you had to leave here so young...I’ll let you go to your friends, and get the Sun Summoner out. But Elham, if you see him tonight, promise me you’ll go. I’ve already lost Alina to him, don’t let him pull you in too.”

Elham swiftly nodded, reaching a hand out for Baghra’s. “I would never help him, Baghra, I just want to help my friends, make sure they get out safe. And Alina, I’ll get her out too. He may not need me, but he needs her, and I won’t let him have her. Please, tell me what to do.”

“Alright, child. Put on that dress, then, you need to blend in.”

Baghra dug around in one of the boxes in the room, pulling out a blue kefta with red stitching. “I was going to give this to you one day. It’s a little small, just put it on and wear it until you get inside. The Grisha here know every Summoner by their face, they’ll know you aren’t from here. Wear the kefta to get past the guards at the back entrance, and take it off immediately inside. Go to the ballroom, find your friends.”

Elham nodded, quickly changing. The dress was long, the fabric draping perfectly over the curves of Elham’s body. It was a bright blue, a similar color to the kefta she had shrugged on top of it, and fastened into place.

Baghra gave a nod of approval. “Go, you don’t have much time...and Elham? I’m glad I got to see you again.”

Elham gave her a small smile, the pit in her stomach lessening. “I’m happy I got to see you too. I missed you, I missed this. I certainly don’t miss the rigorous training, or the Darkling constantly looming, but this was just about as close to a family as I had ever gotten. Now I’m going to go help the one I currently have. Thank you, Baghra.”

Elham gave her a quick nod, and raced out the hut door to the side entrance of the palace.

---

A/N - i don't love this chapter, but it's setting up the next few chapters, which i'm really excited for. i'm ready to get more into elham's backstory and time at the little palace, and to get her a new sword. i'm ready for the chaos and angst of it all. sorry this chapter was a little boring and poorly written, it's kind of a filler. anyways, let me know what you thought, feel free to comment or message me with anything, and thank you for the support!

#wattpad #grishaverse #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker #six of crows imagine #six of crows #shadow and bone #in my feels probably #ineffable #x reader #oc

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space-lynn · 3 years ago

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Helluva Boss Episode 6: Truth Seekers was amazing. I'd recommend watching the episode first before any of you start reading this snippet. SPOILER ALERT!!! since someone inspired me to write this based off of a scene.

(TW: Blood)

The world around her was barren, distorted and drained of color. The sky above her head, the ground below her feet, the SJMS uniform she was wearing and the chair she sat on were nothing more than different shades of white, black and grey. Sasha looked around, wondering where the hell she is. She stood up bewildered and stepped away watching, as the chair she sat on started to sink into the ground. Screeching noises could be heard above, and her head tilted up, watching streaks of color fly around. One colored in olive green smacked her head, dripping it's color all over her.

What the fuck? she thought.

She examined the goo staining her hands, before shaking it and getting it off. The green thing hit her again with enough force for her to land on her behind in mud. She groaned, hauling herself up. In the corner of her eye, she watched it land on the ground and take the shape of... Grime.

Only it wasn't him. It was a weird crudely drawn version of him.

"You're dangerous," he spoke, turning into the real Grime for a second. "Quick to please and charm others with lies."

"Grime, wh--"

"With a silver tongue, too. Never learned how to get what you want on your own, human? Do you always rely on others? Pathetic," he continued, interrupting her and still changing between the drawing version of himself and the real one.

"What are you talking about?"

Grime opened his mouth to talk again, but the words were unintelligible, a high-pitched ringing sound stopping her from understanding.

A shriek sounded above and her head snapped back up to see three other streaks whirling over her, one colored blue, another a mix of light green and light purple, and the last an emerald green.

She looked back at Grime, opening her mouth to speak, to tell him she'd changed but the blue streak wrapped around her right arm and tossed her away from Grime. She coughed, looking up to see it take the shape of Anne.

"You're a liar! A manipulator! Did you honestly think I would forgive you? You don't deserve it, Sasha. You never deserved it."

The green-pink mix barrelled into her next, coming up from the ground underneath her. It lifted her up into the air, taking the shape of the narwhal worm she had taken Barrel's warhammer from.

"You promised. Promised!" the narwhal shrieked in Percy and Braddock's voices. She watched it's face morphed into a horrible mix of her close toad friends' faces. Four eyes peered down at her as she floated for a moment.

"You promised we'd leave when things got dangerous! But we didn't, because you're selfish. You'll lie to get what you want, without caring for the safety of OTHERS!"

The narwhal-Percy-Braddock thing swung its tail onto her, smashing her into the ground on her stomach. Spitting out mud, she tensed up when the third streak, the emerald one, made a squelching noise behind her. It took the shape of Marcy, glaring down at her with orange irises shaped like a cross in the middle of bright red eyes.

"Running again, Sasha? Are you that much of a coward to face your damn problems? Because you're afraid that other's will think you're weak?"

"I-I..."

Sasha noticed stairs made out of mud behind her and she moved back from Marcy. She flipped herself over, pushing herself to stand up and run towards it, no longer caring for the words spoken to her. She dashed up the stairs, subconsciously noting the mud giving way to reveal blue. Her foot caught on one of the steps in her haste, making her fall forward. She placed her arms forward, trying to brace herself, but the once solid blue stairs liquified into a dark red and Sasha slammed into it head first. She pushed herself up, looking down at herself to notice the fluid slide off, revealing her in her old toad armor.

A deep voice chuckled at the top of the stairs, compelling Sasha to look up. Two guards stood in front of a throne made out of corals. Their halberds crossed in front of the figure atop the throne, concealing their face.

"Losing control, Sasha? You deserve it. After everything you've done."

When the guards moved themselves and their halberds to the side to reveal the figure on the throne, Sasha froze and the stairs below her glitched, switching between royal blue and crimson red. Upon the throne sat her father, dressed in the garbs and royal armor of a tyrant newt king that she'd killed before. He smirked down at her.

He lifted his hand. Red strings shot from his fingertips and stabbed her. One on each ankle, one on each wrist and one on her neck. The man closed his fist, pulling her forward. She tumbled down, struggling, but it was futile.

"Haven't you learned, dear," her father spoke, grinning at her. She watched as he glitched, his face flickering to look like her.

"Waybrights always--"

The ashen world distorted and glitched to feature a war-torn battlefield full of weapons and corpses, both metallic and flesh. Then it switched back.

"--always--"

Flames flared up around her, bringing with it the stench of death, rotten and pungent and sickly-sweet.

"--fuck up."

Now within his reach, he grabbed her neck, slowly choking her.

"We can't love and we'll never be loved. One way or the other."

His face melted, replaced by hers, replaced by 13 year old Sasha.

"Especially you, not by those friends of yours," her voice said.

Sasha had tears in her eyes. She whimpered, "No..."

"We no longer need you," Grime spoke from behind her.

She tilted her head slightly, just enough to look at those she was trying to escape from. They look at her in disgust, in anger, in hate. And in one voice, mixed with every other human or Amphibian she'd ever met in her life, including her own, they said,

"You're going to die alone."

"STOP!" she screamed. "Please! All of you, stop talking!"

She watched Grime and the others narrow their eyes, fading in a royal blue color. She then watched her 13 year old self and the throne fade in that royal blue and join the mismatched vortex swirling behind her. She watched it come down and spin around her in crimson. Drops of it rushed towards her, sticking to her skin. More came, this time with shards of metal that went through her armor and clothes and pierced her skin. Blood dripped from her wounds, joining the still-swirling crimson whirlpool. Globs of her blood wrapped around her wrists, pinning them together. Metallic shards drenched in red stabbed at her throat, making her choke and cough up blood. More of the red liquid hit her head and dripped over her eyes, before solidifying and effectively blinding her. The blood spilling from her lips crawled up her face and wrapped around her nose and mouth. She struggled against her binds, lifting her hands to her face and clawing at it. She grasped it, pulled it off and with a choked gasp, opened her mouth to scream, only for more to--

Her eyes snapped open, inhaling sharply as her body tensed up and her heart pounded in her ears. She lay there frozen, stopping herself from gasping or breathing loudly for fear of waking up the other two occupants of the bed. Once she calmed down, she slowly turned her head to see Marcy and Anne still sleeping beside her, clutching one another. Sasha sighed, then carefully extracted herself from the bed. She tiptoed out of the bedroom, years of experience allowing her to avoid the creaky floorboards.

She escaped into their living room, sitting down on the couch. She placed her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands.

She whispered, "It's okay. It was a just dream. Just a nightmare. You'll be fine. It was just a... nightmare."

Sasha sighed. Looking up to see the clock on the wall read 2:47, she wished that it was already 7:00. She doesn't think she can go back to sleep after something like that and she'd rather be productive to take her mind off of it.

She stared at their bedroom door, frowning. She'd talk to her girlfriends about ner nightmare soon. Not when they wake up, not that day, not later in the morning, afternoon or evening, but soon.

Another sigh escapes from her. She stood up and walked into her study, turning on the lights, sitting at her desk and starting on leftover paperwork from the day before. If she can't sleep, she might as well get some work done.

----------

My ending did not come off strong, but I couldn't think of anything else that did not give Sasha some sort of comfort from Anne and Marcy.

Well, I hoped you enjoy reading! Have a nice day!

#amphibia #amphibia fanfic #sasha waybright #anne boonchuy #marcy wu #sashannarcy #fanfic snippet #helluva spoilers #sashannarcy is just background here

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the-citrus-scale · 4 years ago

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The Great Fandom Castration

by guest contributor @blue-scribbl3s

As foreboding as the headline may be, there is no need to clutch your favorite smut to your chest. As far as I know, there’s no fear of another fandom purge, and all dicks will be allowed to remain in their designated places. No, this kind of fandom ‘castration’ is more concerned with censorship for and by the audience and its shift in recent times.

Similar to how Pius IX is said to have ‘castrated’ male statues in the Vatican, and then later replaced all the genitals with fig leaves, fandom has steered into a strange arena where everyone argues over censorship and whether or not it’s mandatory. And while Pius may not have committed the biggest crime against the arts, we still have to ask ourselves where is censorship necessary and where is it appropriate? Is a fig leaf truly enough to keep our collective pants on, or is it just plain patronizing?

Add in the increasing awareness of mental health in fandom and the broad variety of content available, and it’s not surprising that the discussion of trigger warnings and filtering systems has become a flashpoint of controversy.

Some are wholly against trigger warnings, whether it be because they are not personally affected by the topic or the problems with spoilers it inherently presents. Others, in turn, demand a more thorough tagging system for triggers, and there are even some who want others to abstain from ever creating content that includes these difficult topics at all.

As a creator, this can put a lot of pressure on the individual about how they should operate. So let’s go over some of the biggest arguments and questions often addressed in what we have now dubbed The Great Fandom Castration.

But why tag at all?

Generally, tagging is a convenient way to categorize one’s work, making it easier for readers to find, or ignore, the content they do and don’t want to read. While this may sound counterproductive to building an audience, many readers rely on tagging and rating systems for a safe online experience.

But it’s the demanding that it not exist that has always been the problem for the creator, understandably so.

But how do I tag?

Unfortunately enough, there’s no Trigger Warnings for Dummies that clearly defines what, or how, to tag. In the same breath, since not everyone has the same triggers, working out which to tag can be increasingly difficult.

AO3 has made an attempt at it with archiving warnings, providing umbrella terms with which an author can shortly categorize their work and readers can filter out if necessary, covering a variety of common triggers.

However, the main argument they still see is why allow those stories on their website at all, especially since authors can choose not to rate. And while most aren’t satisfied with the answer always provided by admin, it has at least remained consistent. AO3 is first and foremost an archival service. They take an all or nothing approach. They also do allow the rating ‘Choose Not to Use Archive Warnings’ that states that the reader had better be prepared for anything, and they enter that content at their own risk.

Do people still complain? Sure. But AO3 has and seemingly always will offer the most content-creator friendly platform without limiting artistic license and integrity.

But why go through all that and not moderate in the first place?

As the above policy by AO3 states, they provide a platform for everyone, allowing content creators to work through sensitive and triggering topics through their work.

This does not mean that AO3 doesn’t have an abuse policy in place, though. They allow works to be reported and most importantly, they do state that child pornography will not be tolerated. In spite of most claims, the lack of censorship has never meant the lack of boundaries. Simply a chance to start discussions on taboo topics.

But AO3 is not the only place that fandom works exist, though it is very recognizable. Thus the voices being raised about censorship and tagging, while valid, can be overreaching at times. It is up to the reader, as much as the author, to be aware of what each person’s responsibilities are when online.

Is there a right way to do things? Or is it all a gray area?

Communication is key. Fandom lives and thrives on an abundance of people coming together to obsess about it. Stopping the conversation when it gets uncomfortable may not be very productive, but maintaining your mental health, whether online or in-person, still must fall on the shoulders of the person who may or may not be affected. Not the creator. Tagging is a form of communication for fandom, and it is just as important as expressing your boundaries to an IRL friend.

Authors are not perfect and neither is anyone else. They will fail to recognize triggers sometimes, but preaching at them to stop writing because someone is either not interested in a topic or it bothers them immensely is not the job or the responsibility of the reader. You cannot hope to better your own fandom experience by depriving others of content they may need.

In the end, we all share the same passions and the internet provides us with the platform to embrace them, however that may be. Subsequently, authors are incredibly available (and vulnerable) in this space, more so than even traditionally published authors. Simply being aware of that resolves a lot of issues. Approaching someone as sensitively as possible about an issue may be all that’s needed to resolve your problem.

So, be nice. Tag your work as best you can. Don’t be mean to each other. Communicate.

We’ll all be better for it.

#article: great fandom castration #trigger warnings #discourse #article #editorial #great fandom castration #fandom discourse #trigger warning discourse #ao3 #ao3 discourse #fandom #the citrus scale

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kitsunesakii · 3 years ago

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I don't bite - part one

I walked down the street, my hands in my pockets and my headphones on. It was well past midnight and the moon was at its peak. I fiddled with the placement of my headphones resting against my ears, having just got off the bus they were jostled out of position. Normally I didn't ride the bus, instead flying over the city. But, my mission's house was a little past my favorite park, and I had time on my hands. Shoving my hands in my pocket I heaved a sigh. I wasn't really fond of my mission. I hated biting if there wasn't consent. And there wouldn't be in this instance. I dragged my feet, skipping over the cracks in the sidewalk like a child.

I arrived at his apartment complex a little after one. But I knew he wouldn't be home, it was Saturday, and every Saturday he wasn't home until around three. Hence the headphones. I sat down at the bus stop, he wouldn't be arriving from the bus, amusingly he walked home from wherever he left. But I didn't plan to stand for a whole hour. So sitting down, I waited.

My eyes met movement, and I felt him come up. I sucked in a breath, I can do this, I can do this. I got up and nonchalantly walked behind him. The tap on my shoulder is what made me whip around, my headphones clattering to the ground. Making my mission turn as well.

"Hey sweetheart, didn't mean to scare ya, just wanted to ask why you were out here all alone? "

I stared at him kind of dumbfoundedly, he was clearly homeless, and by the smell wafting off of him I would say he was drunk.

"Who said she's alone? " the voice was small but firm, as my mission, a guy who's name I wasn't given, walked up besides me, I stilled. both his hands in his pockets. "I told you to keep up, " he handed me my headphones "you know you slow down when wearing these" he made a disappointed frown.

I looked from him, to the homeless man, then back to him. My brain slowly catching on to what he was doing. He's protecting me, a stranger I forced out a laugh, "haha, gosh I was falling behind, sorry bout that! " I gave him a smile, weary to keep my mouth shut. The homeless man looked at us for a moment, before turning and walking away. Leaving us alone on the sidewalk.

I turned to fully face the guy. In pictures I had always thought he would be taller, instead, he was only a half an inch taller than me. "Thank you" I sputtered, my brain still catching up to the events that had just transpired. He just stared at me, his face resting in a rather relaxed posture. Neither frowning or smiling.

"I noticed you were behind me, do you also live in that apartment complex? " his voice was low, like the gentle hum of a cat. His eyes locked with mine, they were a tainted blue with gold lining. This is your chance, no ones around. I clenched my headphones, my mind spinning a million miles a minute.

"Ah- no, I don't"

"Oh, " he responded cooley, "well, then, lead the way" it was probably rude to just stare at the boy that basically saved me from someone, but my mouth wouldn't work and my hands were hurting from the plastic rim of the headphones biting into my fingers.

I gave him a quick smile before forcing my legs forward. Walking aimlessly. He walked beside me quietly, glancing at me every couple minutes. After a while we hit a cafe, and I walked up to the door, once again turning to face my mission. "Thank you,this is my stop, may I ask you your name? "

"Matthew" he stated.

"Well then, thank you Matthew" I gave him another small smile. He nodded, his eyes flickering up and down me before he simply walked away. I watched him, my heart beat rapidly increasing with every second. You could still finish your mission, it would be quick, painless I took in another breath. I couldn't do it. He protected me, looked at me like a person. His eyes, blue golden. I felt a small dash of heat nest itself on my cheeks. The anger came second. What was I supposed to do now? I couldn't go back empty handed, could I? I failed, I couldn't kill him. Why did it have to be him. A good person with a lax life. I gritted my teeth, there wasn't anything else to do besides head back home. It wont be home much longer. Leaving the coffee shop I headed back to the bus stop, no longer feeling up to walking.

"What do you mean you couldn't kill him!? " I winced at the tone of voice he used, looking at the wooden floor, unable to make his gaze. The room in question was small, but I felt smaller. It was musty and you breathed smoke with every grab at air. I had spent most of the night into the early hours of the day waiting for him to return. 'Initiation' you could have a home, safety, love and more with a stupid test. I'm an idiot my brain screamed, drilling the words harder then the cutting edge of his own.

"I-"

he grabbed my chin with his long nails, cutting into my skin easily.

"Such a simple task," he growled, "this should of been easy for you, such a waste of energy" this wasn't the first time I had seen him this mad, last week, another lonely vampire seeked refuge with him, and they too couldn't do what was asked. using the hand gripping my chin he yanked me to the floor. I recovered quickly, standing to my feat instantly, taking a small step back. Focusing my attention on his words instead of the burning sensation the cuts caused.

"You can stay here until sunset, but then, consider yourself cut off" he growled, with that he used his other hand to scratch from my cheek to the length of my neck, leaving a scar. I waited until he left my small room before patching myself up.

What was I getting myself into? Hot tears trickled down my face, collecting bits of blood on it's way down. I should of never accepted his offer. Idiot, it was stupid to rely on others. All it did was end in pain. It didn't help that I had insomnia. Stupid night Terrors that left me trembling. He had said he could help. Instead he stepped all over me, and I let him. I wiped away the tears. I was fine, I was able to handle myself before and I could do it again.

I tried to sleep, getting only a few merciful hours before I couldn't stop fidgeting. Thankfully it was a pretty cloudy day, and I didn't own much. Shoving the clothes I did own, and a few other belonging into a bag, I forced myself to leave. Going back to the park, under the shade of a great willow. I breathed in the fresh air, so much better than the musty air of the shady apartment I was forced to stay in. I pulled out my book, enjoying the quiet.

A small shuffle got my attention, I looked up, wincing at the pain the quick movement pierced into my neck. Only to see Matthew sitting besides me, looking up at the sky. He glanced at me, and once again I was peering into his blue gold eyes. Sparkling in the sunlight. I couldn't help but smile, cautiously keeping my fangs out of sight. "Fancy seeing you here" I stated.

His eyes swam, tracinging my scar wordlessly. "Hi" he said flatly, his features neutral. I felt my fingers absentmindedly play with the corner of my book. "Your bleeding"

My hands emediatly grazed my scar, my eyes still locked with his. "Oh, yah, fell-" I muttered, without a moment to process I felt his hand come up and trace the length of the wound. Moving his hand gingerly, his eyes fixated on the scar. I held my breath, his fingers sent ripples that danced over my cheek down to my neck. It was almost soothing, the gentle carressing made my scar itch. I stared at him, his face was like stone, not even paying attention to the surprised expression that was slowly melting from my face, replaced with a tint of scarlet.

"Does it hurt? "

I almost didn't register his words, being he practically whispered them. I caught his wrist, holding it before it left my neck, "no" I whispered back. He opened his mouth, then closed it, removing his hand and shoving them back into his sweater pockets. Then, as if nothing happened, he once again tilted his head towards the sky, and I back down to my book. Some time passed, I felt him look back over to me, quietly watching me read. It was hard to ignore, and after a few minutes I matched his gaze. He looked lost in thought, not even registering that I caught him staring. Instead, he looked trapped in deep conversation with himself.

"Do you come here often? " I asked, ripping him from his thoughts.

"Not really, Do you?" his voice had such a nice hum, almost like an accent.

"Not really, but it's been a rough day and I didn't have anywhere else to go and I quite enjoy reading-" I felt myself start to ramble, and quickly shut up. My sharp loud voice a stark contrast to his. His brow folded slightly, barley making a dent on his neutral expression.

"Did someone- Do you need somewhere to stay?"

"No" yes, I watched him nod before slowly turning his gaze back to the sky. I looked up as well. The clouds were striking. Each had a unique shape and the sun created shadows that bounced on the tips of some and on the body of others, adding to the depth of the cloud cluster. In total it looked like I was staring at a painting, perfectly mastered to fit the atmosphere. Each cluster was like an island, floating in the blue sea, each containing it's own form. I admired the brilliant picture of white on blue, getting lost in it, feeling time slowly slip away. My eyes closed, lost in my own sea, I didn't even hear him leave.

I watched the clouds, the day slowly passing over me, fading into the shadows of dusk. I slung my backpack over my shoulders and adjusted my headphones on my head, choosing a playlist before heading out into the night. I walked the same road I had just yesterday, when an idiot decided to look out for me. I bit my lip, a little too hard. Ah, I stopped, abruptly wiping away the bit of blood with my sleeve. "Just another scar to add to my growing collection" I grumbled into the breeze. I found myself walking up to the same cafe I had seen last night. I decided to go in, since I had no real destination.

Pulling of my headphones and Opening the door I was greeted with the late night song of a coffee shop. in total, there was about 6 people. Not including the barista and myself. There were two girls at a table, looking over a laptop. And a boy flirting with the barista, who wasn't giving him the time of day. Over by the tv was a couch, empty besides a guy with his back to me. And in another table was another girl and boy, talking lightly. I walked over to the couch, listening to the music that echoed quietly throughout the room. The couch was awfully comfortable, like a warm hug it beckoned me into the soft safety it had to offer. I closed my eyes, hugging my backpack to my chest as I let myself drowned in the beconing noises of the coffee shop.

My brain sank into the small specks of sleep, pulling me just enough to be jolted awake. Mently cursing at pain it caused in my stomach. I adjusted to the striking colors surrounding me, rubbing the last flecks of sleep out of me. I was me with a pair of eyes, blue with gold lining. "Hi" I gasped, still recovering from the violent awaking.

He stared at me a moment, and I got the feeling he had been staring before. I straitened in the cushions, fighting against the stiffness of my body. Sleeping in a sitting position wasn't in the least bit comfortable. "How long you been there" I joked, trying again to shift myself into a more polite position.

"Are you sure you don't need a place to stay? " his voice carried the same low hum as before, but I noticed the concern. Feeling the tips of my cheeks get red. I did need a place to stay.... But I had no money whatsoever, except for a few bucks for the bus. I looked down, why was he being so annoyingly nice??

"I-im" for the first time, I truly didn't know what to say, he was being so calm, it was driving me mad.

Without warning, he stood up picking up a coffee that I hadn't noticed before. "Follow me" he said

We walked out of the coffee shop and into his apartment complex, I fidgeted with the handle of my backpack, forcing myself to keep my mouth shut. A million excuses flooding my thoughts. We entered an apartment room, well, more like two room, one small and one large. The kitchen seeped into a nice living room, equipped with a cute couch and coffee table. A little to the left was a separate room that I could only assume was the bedroom. There was a tv on the wall, and a couple shelves to the side, adding a touch of comfort. As I looked around, he walked into the kitchen and placed his coffee on the counter.

"The couch folds into a bed, and I have spare blankets, oh-" he walked over to a cupboard and pulled out some medical supplies. Quickly walking over to me, "here, sit" without process I stumbled into the couch, barely catching myself, bracing into the fluff of the fabric.

"What-" before I could finish my thought my breath hitched as his hand cupped my chin, gently tilting my head, looking at my scar. He glanced at his supplies, picking up a Q tip and dipping it in a thickly coated gel. He put it on my scar, I gasped, the gel felt cold against my skin. He pulled back, his eyes widening

"Did I hurt you?"

"No, no, you just startled me, that's all" I gave him a reassuring smile. After a hint of hesitation he carefully glided the Q tip on the length of my scar, only stopping to add more gel. His fingers pressed lightly on my cheek, being carful to not be rough. His gaze set on my scar, his eyes shining in the light on the ceiling. "So pretty" I mumbled, blinking at the fact that I said that aloud. His eyes flickered to mine and I emediatly went beet red. A small smirk rested on his face.

"Thank you" he mumbled back, his face a light shade of red. He finished quickly, and soon he just sat there, stroking my cheek with his thumb. Not bringing himself to move away, his face back to its same stone look. I yawned, it had been a while since I had gotten even a few hours of sleep, and I was weak. He caught on emediatly and let go, muttering something about blankets while he headed off into his room.

I rubbed my eyes, setting my backpack down on the floor next to the couch. He came back and opened the couch, creating a cozy looking bed, a perfect fit for me. He placed down the pillow and blanket, and wordlessly I climbed into it. Letting my body relax, barley feeling the blanket being pulled up over my shoulders, or the lights being turned off.

No, no no no, I wimpered, the shadow looming over me. "Your dreaming, wake up" the shadow took a step towards me, I let out a low wine, unable to back up, "your dreaming, it's ok, I got you, it's ok"

I felt a tight gripped hand pull me against something, ripping me almost completely out of my nightmare. My eyes still closed, I bared my teeth at the shadow. I tried to pull my legs up to my head, trying to cower from it. My stomach tightening in knots. Something gripped me close, I felt breath on my ear. "Hay hay, it's alright, nothing can hurt you, your safe, your safe." I felt my body relax, the voice louder than the shadow. I let the invisible thing pull me closer, laying my head on something rhythmic. Slowly sending me back to sleep, my eyes still closed, I felt somthing brush against the top of my head, already to far asleep to notice.

When I woke up it must of been early because the sun was still well behind the horizon. I sat up, yawning and baring my teeth. There was a clatter in the kitchen, I looked around, the lights were off, but there was Matthew, cooking something over the stove. The smell wafting over. I couldn't help but smile, I didn't know why, but I had slept through the entire night without waking, and I felt very relaxed. I stood up, careful not to disturb Matthew, who was deep in thought. I walked over, leaning against the island and just staring. He was smiling. It was quite a sight, making his eyes shine even more. I wondered what he was smiling about, what was causing his face to show such emotion. I looked over his shoulder, in a pan was two eggs. They crackled and popped.

"Good morning," I said finally, unable to keep myself quiet. He look over and his smile faded slightly, going back to its stone look. But the light in his eyes only got bigger. "Oh please, don't stop smiling for me" I teased, watching his face go bright red.

"Good morning" he said back, watching my movements closely. "Did you sleep good?"

"Yes actually! I sleep wonderful, your couch is super comfortable" I said, his eyes searched mine, as if looking for a clue. I cocked my head to the side, giving a playful frown to his reaction. "Everything ok?" I asked, the tense silence growing too much for me.

His features relaxed, "yah, just making sure" he said, turning his attention back to the pan of eggs. After a moment he skillfully slid them on two separate plates and handed a plate to me. Opening a drawer and pulling out two forks. We sat down over at a small table that bordered the kitchen. It was in front of a window, outside I could see the sun peeking out. I shuffled nervously, taking a bite of my eggs.

"These are really good" I said, my mouth full of egg. His blue gold eyes brighteded, and he glanced at the window, noticing the rising sun. Then, he stood up and pulled the shutters closed, making sure no light got in before proceeding to continue making work on his eggs. Without any words said. My brow folded, confusion and slight paranoia lapping at my senses.

"What was that about?" I asked innocently, my eyes narrowing.

"He looked at me a moment, his fork still fiddling with his breakfast. "The sun is too bright in the morning" he said flatly, averting his eyes.

"Ok...."

We went back to eating in silence, after I was done, and noticed he was also done. I stood and took his plate, quick enough so that he didn't have the chance to argue. "Thank you for breakfast" I said again, placing the two plates in the dishwasher. "And... Thank you for letting me stay the night, but..." I made myself state what had been bugging me for the past few minutes. "I don't have enough money to pay you for your hospitality. I don't want to invade on your privacy, and you probably don't want someone like me hanging around your apartment and-" I was cut short in my rambling by the small smirk that was slowly growing on his face. I had expected him to be disappointed, maybe even mad. But he looked, amused. "What? Why are you smiling" I said, embarrassment flickering in my words.

"I wasn't expecting payment. I enjoy the company." He explained, trying but failing at forcing his smirk off his face. "You can stay as long as you want" he finished. Standing to his feet he walked over to a drawer and pulled out a spare key, handing it to me. "Just make sure to lock up before you leave" he hummed, his voice back to its low sing song like melody. Leaving me flabbergasted.

I cleaned up the couch, folding it back to a sitting position and placing the blanket and pillow on it neatly. When I finished I sat down, he had left shortly after our conversation. Mumbling something about work. He had tossed me the remote before leaving. I skipped through the channels, the news wasn't ever really interesting, it was all the same now. Talk about the politics of vampires and humans, vampire rights and freedoms. Stupid. Ten years now, people have lived with them peacefully. The news was grasping at strings. Still, it was better than nothing, and I settled for a channel on cooking. It wasn't long before I got fidgety, and had to pace around the room for a while. It was too bright to risk going outside, so I opened the fridge to drink something instead. There wasn't much, but orange juice sounded good, so I drank that. Slowly but surely, as the day carried on, the sun started to settle behind the horizon, kissing the mountain tops.

I fiddled with my headphones, when the door opened and in he came. "Hay!" I shouted, giving him a closed lipped grin.

"Hi" he breathed back, clearly exasperated from whatever he was getting back from. He made a beeline to his room, closing it behind him. It didn't take long before he had came back out in a new more comfortable outfit. His hands in his pockets. "Are you hungry, I know a really good place over a ways" he asked, his blue gold eyes locking with mine.

"Yes! I would love that!" Jumping off the couch giddily, I needed to get out into the fresh air. We walked out of the apartment and into the night air, softly lit with the last remaining glow the sun had to offer. There was a slight breeze, and the trees danced to its rhythm. I smiled, unable to contain the happiness stirring inside of me. Like any vampire, I absolutely loved the nighttime. The shadows that played in the corners of your vision, mixed with the hum of others basking in the night air. Bats gliding gracefully in the air, silent as the darkness around them. Pulling myself from my thoughts, I caught Matthew staring at me. His eyes full of awestruck wonder.

We made our way over to a cute little restaurant and ordered food, sitting in the outside seats. Per his request.

"How was work?" I asked, nibbling On the sandwich placed in front of me.

"It was fine"

We ate quietly, silently enjoying each other's presence. When I finished, I closed my eyes. A gust of wind crashing into me, it felt amazing. And I itched to be up in the sky, feeling the rush of the flight. The high it gave. I opened my eyes, his soft gaze peiring into mine.

"Your so beautiful when you get lost in thought"

His abrupt complement left me red and speechless, "ah," I averted my eyes, my gaze faultering towards the floor. "Thanks" I mumbled, unable to meet his blue gold eyes. My stomach stirred with the same weird feeling I felt the day before. We walked home, too flustered to speak. I noticed him watching me in the corner of my eye, his face in its calm stone stare. I could get used to that, I pondered to myself.

We got home and I once again got ready for bed, this time entering the bathroom and changing into pj's. I layed back down into the comfy blankets and drifted into sleep, the events of the day still lingering in my thoughts.

@vigilantetendencies

#vampire #romance #writing snippet #long reads

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melanielocke · 3 years ago

Text

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 24

AO3

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised@alastair-appreciation-month

Previous Chapter: Chapter 23

Next Chapter: Chapter 25

Lucie was exhausted. She’d used more magic today than she had in her entire life and when they were finished eating Thomas’ admittedly very good shepherd’s pie, she was so tired she wanted to go to bed. She usually had a bit of an irregular sleeping schedule, you never knew when inspiration might hit, but right now she needed sleep more than anything. She suspected no one else would want to go to sleep yet. Thomas and Alastair had curled up on the couch, cuddling while watching a movie. They both seemed to really like touch, Lucie noticed, which was something she’d expected from Thomas, but not Alastair. Cordelia had always described him as having difficulty showing physical affection, but perhaps it was different with Thomas. Cordelia was on the other couch, reading a book she’d borrowed from her.

‘Can I talk to you?’ she asked her mother.

‘Of course, Lu,’ her mother said. ‘Where did you want to go?’

She and her mother went upstairs to Lucie’s bedroom. She didn’t think Alastair had the energy required for messing with someone’s memory right now, so she left him. Perhaps he could help tomorrow, or whenever he felt like it. Restoring years of memories had to be hard.

‘Alright, so we freed Grace,’ Lucie said. ‘And she had some information. Including a story about a witch with powers similar to mine, who sealed the thief away in his realm and then fell asleep in the land in between for a 130 years.’

Tessa tilted her head. ‘Like sleeping beauty?’

‘I think she woke up by herself,’ Lucie said. ‘With the strange way time moves there, she could have just passed out for a little while, but woken up 130 years later. Anyway, according to Grace this woman’s name was Theresa Gray and she was the thief’s daughter. And she woke up about twenty years ago. The thief took her memories and replaced them with false ones.’

Tessa frowned. ‘And you think I was that witch in a past life? You know I have no powers, right? Nothing like what you can do.’

‘According to Grace, the thief took your powers.’

Jessamine walked into the room, through the wall as she so often did. Jessamine, who’d met a miss Gray who was a witch around the same time period…

‘Show yourself, Jess,’ Lucie said. ‘Come here.’

Jessamine sat down on her bed next to her.

‘Do you recognize my mother?’ Lucie asked.

Jessamine frowned. ‘She’s come here regularly for the past twenty years or so,’ she said.

‘No, I mean before that. What did Mr. Gray’s sister look like, the other one who could see you?’

‘Your mother looks a lot like her, Lucie. But she lived 150 years ago.’

‘But could they be the same person?’ Lucie asked.

Jessamine tilted her head. ‘It’s been a long time… But yes. It could have been her, if it weren’t for the time passed.’

‘See!’ Lucie said triumphantly. ‘It was you. You’ve been here after Jessamine died to offer condolences, because she was to be married to your brother.’

‘My brother died in a car accident,’ Tessa said. ‘In the 1990s.’

Lucie didn’t know much about this uncle, her mother barely talked about him and she didn’t even know his name. Now she began to suspect these false memories of everyone around her dying were the only way such a fake past could make sense. Because she’d woken up in this century alone, everyone she knew had died.

‘Alastair could help you,’ Lucie said. ‘To remember. It could be important. Besides, it must suck not knowing who you are.’

Tessa put her hand on Lucie’s shoulder. ‘I know who I am, Lu. I have a PhD and do medical research. I am your mother. But if in the past I was someone else, I am willing to find out.’

Lucie wanted to finish some writing but her eyes were falling shut, there was no point.

She slept restlessly that night. She dreamt of an old fashioned stone castle, a man on a throne decorated with bones. She only got glimpses of him. Of the horns on his head. No, they weren’t horns, they were antlers. A pair of red eyes. Not just the iris was red, the entire eye was, shining in the dark.

‘I know what you did, Lucie Herondale. I know what you are. And I will make you pay.’

Lucie shot up, drenched in sweat. Was it a nightmare, or a warning? Lucie couldn’t be sure. All she could see where those horrible eyes, burning red. She changed into a clean pajama, but at least the bed seemed clean enough. Lucie just wasn’t sure if she would fall back asleep. Her heart was still racing, and it was worse knowing that the monster might be real. Could that be him, the thief of souls? Grace had said he’d been human once, and beyond the antlers and the eyes he had been human in appearance, even if Lucie had only seen flashes. Had he found out she’d stolen Barbara from him? It seemed like an obvious explanation. Did he know about her mother? Barbara was still around here, Lucie wasn’t sure how or when she’d move on and neither was Barbara herself. She’d be safer when she wasn’t here as a ghost anymore, but perhaps she’d want a chance to talk to uncle Gabriel as well. Lucie imagined it would be harder for him though. Uncle Gabriel did not remember his mother at all, she wasn’t sure what it’d be like, to be confronted with a mother who’d died so long ago you didn’t remember her. But perhaps it was still nice to at least be given a chance to meet her, even if only once.

Lucie decided she could not go back to sleep and checked the time. It was around ten, she’d gone to bed very early. She suspected Cordelia might be going to bed right now. She usually went to bed around ten and considering it had been an exhausting day for her as well she didn’t think Cordelia would be up much later.

Lucie left her room, plushie sparrow in her arms, sprinting to where she knew the light switch was until she could turn it on. It was stupid and irrational, she knew, but part of her expected to see a pair of red glowing eyes any moment. Not that turning the light on would protect her but at least she felt safer. She walked over to Cordelia’s bedroom and knocked on the door.

Cordelia opened, wearing her pajama top but the jean shorts she’d changed into after showering.

‘Are you alright, Lu?’ she asked.

‘Nightmare,’ she said. ‘Can I come in?’

Cordelia gestured for her to come in and Lucie did, sitting down on Cordelia’s bed with her plushie sparrow. Cordelia had her redhead Persian cat plushie on the bed. Lucie knew Cordelia wanted to get a Persian cat for a pet when she lived on her own. Uncle Jem had one, although that little beast hated everyone except uncle Jem, her father in particular. Cordelia quickly changed into her pajama bottoms and sat down on the bed next to Lucie. Fortunately, there was enough space for the two of them.

‘What did you dream of?’ Cordelia asked, putting her arms around Lucie.

It was comforting, to be touched on her own terms, to be touched by Cordelia. It wasn’t always easy, but Cordelia would always be an exception. Her fingers were soft and send sparks down Lucie’s spine. Her arms were firm and applied just enough pressure for it to be comforting but not painful. Cordelia was both chubby and muscular, and it felt nice.

‘I think it might have been the thief of souls,’ Lucie admitted. ‘He said that he knew what I’d done and I’d pay the price. I don’t know, it could have been an ordinary nightmare. There’s no way to tell, is there?’

‘I don’t know,’ Cordelia said. ‘But I have cortana right here. If he so much as dares come close to you, I’ll stab him with my sword. I don’t care if he’s some all powerful immortal being. Cortana can kill anything.’

Lucie curled up against Cordelia. ‘That’s comforting. But I don’t know what to do. We’ve set Grace free, but now what? Even stopping Tatiana’s plans won’t be enough, not if the creature she works for is after me regardless of what she does.’

‘We’ll destroy it,’ Cordelia promised. ‘We’ll find a way. I won’t let anything hurt you.’

Cordelia kissed her forehead, gently running her fingers through her hair and Lucie felt herself burn up. Cordelia had no idea how she felt about her, did she? Lucie felt a little guilty about not telling her, but what if Cordelia didn’t feel the same way? She surely wouldn’t want to hold Lucie like this if she knew?

So instead she remained silent, both of them falling asleep like this. It worked, Lucie didn’t have any other nightmares. She slept until late the next morning, and only woke when Cordelia wanted to get out of bed and started moving. She felt rested again, as if she’d slept for a week.

After breakfast, Cordelia decided to help her and Thomas with wielding the dagger Alastair had given them. Lucie guessed when necessary she might stab something, but it was just as likely someone could disarm her and use the weapon against her. She didn’t want to rely on magic alone, she still hadn’t realized its full potential and it tired her too much. At least Thomas had some natural talent with the dagger.

Alastair was in conversation with Lucie’s mother, helping her with her memory Lucie guessed. It was difficult for Alastair because he had no starting point, but they’d taken Jessamine as a start and worked through association. Alastair had explained that he usually worked through timeline, but in this case association would be an easier way in. Lucie knew it had to be confusing for her mother. She couldn’t imagine finding out she was really a Victorian lady who’d travelled through time and forgotten all about it.

Her father helped out here and there as well. It was easy to forget he’d learnt all of this too, training with uncle Jem, but even after all these years he knew what he was doing.

‘I used to wield throwing knives,’ her father said. ‘I don’t think this dagger is balanced enough for throwing though. Excellent for stabbing. I must admit it looks very familiar, I think I used to have a dagger that looks just like this.’

Her father turned Lucie’s dagger around in his hand. ‘Even the jewels and the inscription matches. Where did you get this?’

‘Alastair gave it to me,’ Lucie said. ‘Not sure where he got it.’

‘It was a gift,’ Alastair clarified, who’d just came to join them. ‘Tessa is starting to remember, but I think it’s best to take it slowly. It’ll be easier now that the first memories came back.’

Will gazed up thoughtfully. ‘A gift, huh? Oh, of course, I gave the dagger away. A long time ago, to Charlotte Fairchild. Some monsters were after her, we later learned those were Benedict Lightwood’s as he held a grudge against her family or something, and Jem and I killed the beasts. I gave her a dagger that looked just like this one.’

***

Alastair didn’t know Charlotte Fairchild personally. He’d never met any of Charles’ family, aside from Matthew whom he knew from school. Charles had never wanted him to and Alastair had thought it was best at the time. He knew Charlotte was a member of the parliament for labour, and she was probably a much better politician than her son would ever be, but apart from that he didn’t know much about her. He certainly didn’t know she had once been involved in the supernatural as well.

‘Perhaps it’s a different dagger,’ Will mused. ‘Or Charlotte sold it or gave it away, I don’t think I ever asked what she did with it.’

‘Didn’t you say this one was a gift from your ex?’ Lucie asked.

Alastair stiffened. He hadn’t realized at all, but if Will knew Charlotte, did he also know Charles? It made sense, of course. His son James was best friends with Matthew Fairchild. But Charles had always seemed a bit like an isolated person to Alastair. Not in the sense that he had no friends or family, but Alastair didn’t know anyone Charles spent time with, and therefore it had never occurred to him that other people might know Charles.

‘Yes, I did. Charles never told me where he’d gotten it, I’d assumed he’d bought it.’

Perhaps Charles had found it among his mother’s old things and asked if he could have it, so he could give it to Alastair? Charles had never said it had belonged to his mother, he’d never said anything about where he’d gotten it and Alastair had assumed he must have bought it, although he’d never asked. He’d assumed the dagger must have been expensive considering the jewels. Charles was rich and had not shied away from giving him expensive gifts Alastair never could have bought on his own. Those gifts had made him feel so special, had made him forget about all the times Charles had dismissed him or pressured him into doing something. Had convinced him the pain didn’t matter because Charles loved him.

Of course, Alastair didn’t care much about how much money someone was spending on him, and he would have liked it if someone found him such a gift among his mother’s things, but not telling about it and letting Alastair believe he’d bought it was weird, right?

‘You mean you got it from Charles Fairchild? Charles was your ex?’

Alastair could easily read the shock on Thomas’ face. ‘I didn’t realize you knew him.’

‘I always saw him as Matthew’s annoying older brother, but I did know him. He used to be friends with my sisters. My parents have been very close with Charlotte and Henry for as long as I can remember, I’ve come there since I was a child. I never realized he might be someone I knew.’

Stupid, Alastair thought. Of course they knew Charles. Charles might have kept him away from his family and friends, but Matthew was Charles’ younger brother and Matthew and Thomas had been friends since they were little, before Charles had moved out. Did everyone here know him?

‘Charles Fairchild is your ex?’ Lucie’s eyes were wide with shock, but she also seemed intrigued.

Alastair stepped back. He knew what would happen, of course, he wasn’t stupid. Some unnamed man they had never heard of they could vilify. Someone they didn’t know could have been an abuser. But if they knew Charles, they would believe him over Alastair, wouldn’t they? They’d know him as he presented himself to the world, charming and hardworking and considerate, and would question Alastair’s story. Was he really that bad? Hadn’t he just asked for it?

He hadn’t told Will and Tessa the details about his relationship, of course, only Cordelia, Thomas and Gideon knew more than that he had broken up with someone some months ago. Now he couldn’t tell anyone else, couldn’t count on them to believe him. Not that he’d intended to necessarily, but he wished he could have.

‘Yes,’ Alastair said stiffly. ‘He gave me that dagger when I turned seventeen. I didn’t know it belonged to his mother before I got it. I didn’t want to return it after the break up, so that’s why I gave it to Lucie.’

Will didn’t seem to have any additional questions, but Alastair wasn’t so sure what he thought of the story. Even without any information, he had to be able to figure out Alastair had been a minor at the time of their relationship and Charles was not. Of course, not everyone thought that was wrong.

Alastair retreated inside, just as Tessa came outside. Looking for him? She’d just remembered visiting Jessamine in this house, the easiest entry to her old memory and had to be very overwhelmed. Not sure what to do now, the only distraction offered by the ringing of a doorbell. He guessed that would be Thomas’ parents, so Alastair went to open the door. Gideon would find out Charles had been his ex, right? Someone he’d known since he was a child. Alastair was a little overwhelmed from the discovery, scared what everyone would think. He opened the door expecting Thomas’ parents. Instead, it was his cousin Jem.

‘What are you doing here?’ Alastair realized that sounded rather rude. He’d been working at being nicer lately. Only for people who deserved it, of course, but Jem was one of those people. ‘Sorry. I mean, I wasn’t expecting you here.’

‘That’s alright. I came because I was worried.’

Alastair frowned. ‘Why?’

Had Will told Jem of what was happening here? Considering how close they were, he probably would have.

‘I haven’t heard a thing from Will and Tessa in some time,’ Jem said. ‘Nor has your mother heard anything from you or your sister.’

‘I’ve texted her every single day. She hasn’t read anything though.’

He and Thomas had speculated something like this might be going on, something blocking their lines of communication. He guessed that must be true. He led Jem to the living room.

‘I suspected something like this could happen. Will did mention something of the supernatural being active here, and sometimes that interferes with communication. I have not been able to reach any of you, nor did Gabriel and Cecily.’

‘Gideon said he couldn’t reach Gabriel, but apparently it was not unusual for Gabriel to disappear like that,’ Alastair said.

In this age of phones and technology, Alastair couldn’t imagine not responding to anything for several days.

‘That’s because back when he and Cecily still investigated the supernatural, phones tended to go haywire when they were deep in the middle of something. It’s something they got used to.’

The idea of his mother not sending a reply at all because she didn’t receive anything was certainly better than her purposely ignoring him, especially after Alastair had sent her a picture of him and Thomas.

‘And now it’s happening here.’

‘Yes,’ Jem said. ‘Your enemy wants to isolate you. That’s why I came here, I knew something was going on and you might need help.’

‘Well, you’re not wrong,’ Alastair said. ‘How is my mother?’

‘She is a bit worried, but I assured her there was no need for her to come here, that I would check in. I told her there was a chance I wouldn’t be able to reach her either. There’s something else she’s been wanting to tell you and your sister, but since she’s been unable to contact either of you, she’s asked me to tell you.’

Alastair was instantly sick with worry. ‘She’s not going back to Father, is she?’

‘No, that’s not it. Do you still not wish to know how your father has been doing? Otherwise I could give you some more information.’

Alastair considered his options. ‘I just want to know that my mother is safe from him,’ he said.

‘He’s at a clinic,’ Jem said. ‘Your mother has not visited. She is trying to find a way to get the house back after the divorce, but is currently still staying with Risa.’

Alastair was not sure what to think of that. Alastair had lived the first few years of his life in the old Carstairs manor, but his father had been forced to sell it because of financial problems. Jem had bought it back some years later, as a doctor he had the income to afford it. Not to mention he probably had saved his inheritance instead of spending it on alcohol. They’d moved into a smaller but honestly still bigger than average house, which had been paid for at least partially with his mother’s money. Who would get the house after the divorce was a bit tricky. While it would be convenient for them to have the house, Alastair feared there were too many bad memories attached to it. He didn’t want to go back to living there, even without his father.

‘You know, my offer still stands. You can come live with me,’ Jem added. ‘I have plenty of space.’

Alastair knew moving in with Jem was probably more practical than living with Risa. She didn’t really have the space to accommodate an entire family since she’d always lived on her own and didn’t have a high income like Jem did. The main reason he’d turned down the offer was because he didn’t know Jem all that well. Father had always done the best he could to keep him away from their family, and he was this distant relative he vaguely knew of. But after sharing a room with Cordelia for some time, he guessed perhaps moving in with Jem was a better idea. He’d even considered moving out altogether like many students did, but he didn’t think that was feasible with the money he had, not without getting roommates who were likely going to be messy and consumers of alcohol like students often were. Not to mention people often chose their new roommates and Alastair knew realistically, no one would choose him. Even if he didn’t know Jem all that well, living with him would probably be preferable.

‘I’ll think on it,’ Alastair said. ‘At this point it might be the only feasible idea. I don’t think it would be right to impose on Risa for much longer.’

‘You and your mother and sister will always be welcome with me,’ Jem said. ‘Now, how are you? With everything that’s been happening, I imagine this summer was not the escape you’d hoped it would be.’

‘Not really,’ Alastair said. ‘But it’s not all bad. I’ve grown closer to Thomas. We’re in a relationship now. It’s all very new though, and I find it difficult to open myself again, or to accept that he cares. He keeps saying he does, but this voice in my head tells me he couldn’t possibly care about me.’

‘It’s hard, to accept that you are loved after everything you’ve been through,’ Jem said. ‘To believe it, really.’

Alastair felt a bit embarrassed by it all, as he often did. Both Jem and his therapist had often assured him having a mental disorder was nothing to be ashamed of, but that didn’t stop Alastair from feeling weak and broken.

‘I will think about moving in with you at the end of the summer,’ Alastair decided, if only because it was the least bad option he had. He didn’t want to make a permanent decision yet, but it was a good option. He knew few people had the luxury of having a cousin he could just move in with. ‘But on one condition. I do get to keep my dagger collection.’

‘You still have those, then?’

‘They’re important to me,’ Alastair insisted. ‘Right now, we use them in case we need to defend ourselves, but beyond that they’re decorative.’

‘I don’t mind them,’ Jem said. ‘I’m just concerned that you’ll hurt yourself.’

‘I could also hurt myself with razor blades and kitchen knives. But I don’t. I’ve never cut myself, and I don’t intend to start,’ Alastair said.

To be honest, he did understand why some people did. Some had said that cutting made the pain go away for a moment and Alastair could understand doing anything to make the pain go away. Alastair had been more prone to hurting others than himself though, lashing out as a way of coping. Both were quite maladaptive coping methods, but fortunately Alastair had at least learnt to stop lashing out.

‘I trust you,’ Jem said. ‘Are you getting along with the others here? You always struggled socially.’

Some time ago Jem had considered that like Lucie, he might be autistic, but Alastair wasn’t sure. His issues with social interaction could also be due to trauma. It was always frustrating, how people around him worried about his lack of friends. He was still considering getting tested for it, but waiting lists for autism assessment, especially in adulthood, were endless and the longer he postponed making a decision, the longer it would take.

‘I am,’ Alastair said. ‘Mostly with Thomas.’

‘Yes, you mentioned you were in a relationship with him. Is he treating you well? Better than the last one, I hope,’ Jem said.

‘Yes he is. He is sweet. Speaking of the last one, do you know Charles Fairchild? I just discovered that everyone else here knows him.’

Alastair figured it anyone would be on his side, it would be Jem, so perhaps it was best to hear how well everyone knew Charles from Jem. He very much did not want to talk about Charles, but he also knew he should be prepared.

‘I knew him well when he was a child. Lately, not so much. I still see Henry and Charlotte, but Charles doesn’t live with them anymore, so I haven’t seen him in a while. You don’t mean to say he is your ex boyfriend?’

‘Everyone knows him apparently. I didn’t realize. And I told Thomas and Gideon the whole story without mentioning his name. But now Thomas knows it was him because of the goddamn dagger and why would they believe me over someone they knew since he was a child?’

‘Alastair, I believe you,’ Jem said. ‘That I did not expect such a thing from Charles only tells me I did not know him at all. Some people are simply good at hiding what they’re really like.’

Alastair guessed he was such a person too. He spent so much time hiding how broken and awful he really was.

‘I do not think knowing the person who hurt you will make them stop believing you,’ Jem added. ‘They might be shocked to know Charles was capable of such a thing, and I understand you might prefer not to discuss it, but they will still believe you.’

‘How can you know?’

‘Because Will and Tessa and Gideon and Sophie are my friends, and I trust them. Now, where are Will and Tessa? I would like to greet them.’

‘They’re just outside,’ Alastair said, leading Jem into the garden where Cordelia and Will were still helping Thomas and Lucie wield their daggers properly.

Truly becoming skilled with them would take years, but they would have to make do with the time they had.

‘Jem, I didn’t know you were coming!’ Tessa said.

‘I had become worried,’ Jem said. ‘And I missed you.’

Jem hugged Tessa, and then Will. Alastair envied their close friendship sometimes, one that had endured over the years even after Will and Jem had stopped training to fight together. Perhaps he really did lack the social skills to build such a friendship.

‘I think we all missed you,’ Will said. ‘I didn’t realize you’d be coming.’

‘You’ve been cut off from communicating with people outside,’ Jem said. ‘I realized when none of you responded to me, or Gabriel, or Sona. I thought it would be best to come here and see for myself. Gabriel and Cecily would have come, but they couldn’t find a babysitter.’

‘Of course. You’re always welcome here,’ Tessa said.

‘Now I do have to deliver a message to Cordelia and Alastair,’ Jem said.

Alastair and Cordelia followed Jem back inside. He was still worried, scared something was not right. All he knew was his mother was not going back to his father.

‘What is it?’ Cordelia asked. ‘Nothing bad, I hope?’

‘No, nothing bad. She really wanted to tell you this herself, but considering the circumstances she gave me permission to tell you. She is expecting a child.’

‘Wait, what? And how?’ Cordelia asked.

‘She likely got pregnant shortly before leaving Elias,’ Jem said. ‘And didn’t realize until after you two left. Despite the circumstances she is very happy about it and excited to meet her new baby. She hopes you are as well.’

‘Yes, of course,’ Cordelia said. ‘But wow, I really did not expect a baby sibling,’ Cordelia said.

‘Me neither,’ Alastair said. ‘But the baby will have everything they need. They won’t be burdened by Father.’

Alastair could never have guessed he’d have another baby sibling, but even now, not knowing them at all, he knew he’d do anything for the baby. He knew he could not quite be a father, but he could be a good older brother, a better one than he’d been to Cordelia at least. He could make sure the baby wouldn’t have to grow up like he had, and would always have someone to tell them they were loved and perfect and enough as they were. Although Alastair could never have anticipated this news, he was happy.

#Lucie Herondale #Cordelia Carstairs #Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Lucelia #Thomastair #the last hours #tlh #fanfiction

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somerpmemes · 4 years ago

Text

Killing Eve S3 Starters

Change as needed

“If you want to be a winner you have to sacrifice everything.”

“I am so much happier now she’s dead.”

“Bureaucracy in all its glory.”

“I’m back now, with bells on.”

“We’re always like this, aren’t we?”

“We’re gonna make a fabulous team.”

“You’re not easy to replace.”

“What’s in it for you, hmm?”

“Whatever you want, I will do it.”

“Power is there for the taking, ___. You just have to be smart about how.”

“You have friends?”

“You realize to fit in here you have to be socially inept like the rest of us.”

“You know, a normal person would flake on their friend when something better turns up.”

“Well, remind me not to rely on you for anything.”

“You can hide from it, but it won’t hide from you.”

“Are you crying? Don’t be a wimp.”

“Nothing good comes fast.”

“My work remains totally untouchable.”

“You know, you really shouldn’t leave your front door open considering the amount of people that have tried to kill you.”

“Yeah, well it’s not my problem anymore.”

“You just don’t seem very happy, that’s all.”

“Who says I want to be happy?”

“You see this and you’re transported to a time of happiness?”

“Are you ever going to apologize?”

“You really don’t think you did anything wrong at all, do you?”

“Life is just a series of trade-offs, ___.”

“This isn’t something you can fix, ___.”

“Our entire relationship has had you at the center of it.”

“She’s lying, okay?”

“You’re crying because you feel stupid. Because you WERE stupid.”

“Hey, these drinks don’t involve games or organized fun, do they?”

“I hear you’re a walking miracle.”

“You know, when a bullet has been through you, it leaves something behind.”

“And then you taught me how to swear in Russian.”

“It’s about acknowledging the sad together.”

“Couldn’t we be sad and listen to good music?”

“It’s push by the way.”

“Why would I want to look ten years younger?”

“It’s good to have many lovers. Keeps you limber.”

“Winners win alone.”

“You can’t go down that path anymore.”

“So you don’t think about her anymore?”

“So, shall we just dive right in?”

“I don’t believe in distractions.”

“I’m fully capable of doing my job without any approval from you.”

“I know you think I’m a self-serving prick.”

“Some things are bigger than the job and this is one of them.”

“You have to start taking care of yourself right now or it’s going to catch up with you.”

“How long do I have to stay?”

“Anybody can fight. It takes a special person to kill.”

“Just so you know, I’m kinda a big deal in this industry.”

“You do everything I say exactly when I say it.”

“If you make me look bad I will kill you.”

“You did all that for a boyfriend?”

“You only know a country once you know it’s drink.”

“It’s good to know he was getting some before he died.”

“Being hard on someone is sometimes what they need.”

“Don’t be embarrassed will you?”

“Why don’t you go and do your thing where you close your eyes and breathe?”

“You do not get to come here without an invitation anymore!”

“Haven’t you heard? I’m moving up in the world.”

“If I killed everybody who betrayed me there would be nobody left.”

“You have to know, you’re not safe.”

“You think you’re in control but you’re not.”

“Really, I’m fine. You should go.”

“You know I care about you?”

“You really like that baby, huh?”

“It would be really unsettling if he actually got something right.”

“I have all my best thoughts in the bath.”

“I haven’t looked up in ten minutes.”

“Meetings have biscuits.”

“That is literally the most parenting this household has ever seen.”

“You have been unfocused and manic for days.”

“I’m just having some fun.”

“It’s not my fault he was an idiot.”

“You want to amuse yourself, go crazy.”

“I’m the one doing all the work.”

“You think handling you isn’t work?”

“You should get your act together.”

“I’m not ready!”

“Once I pop, I just can’t stop.”

“I don’t have any self-control.”

“Is that supposed to mean something to me?”

“Did you take this job thinking it’d be easier?”

“You really should have some kind of protection, you know that right?”

“Have you ever locked and popped, ___?”

“I want to smell powerful.”

“Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones is how we grow.”

“I adore a coincidence, it makes me feel I’m in the right place.”

“I just had the novel experience of being stood up.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll have him killed.”

“A terrible lifestyle suits me, huh?”

“Do you believe a word of that?”

“This place is psychopathic.”

“I should have shot you in the head.”

“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“I’m not here for you!”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Who doesn’t answer their phone on a stake-out?”

“Everyone, look innocent.”

“Don’t wait for me in the dark like that!”

“Don’t you want to know why I’m in your bed?”

“They own every little bit of you.”

“What kind of baby do you think I was?”

“I’m wearing power. And to keep power, you need knowledge.”

“This is where you belong!”

“So you’re saying this is it?”

“You do realize that’s my desk?”

“What is that smell?”

“You’re supposed to share the cake!”

“You’re like a sad teenager, waiting for a like on Instagram.”

“Don’t you like having fun?”

“You don’t know what it’s like when you’ve chosen to destroy your own life.”

“I promise you, whatever you’ve done is not half as bad as the stuff in my checkered past.”

“I stabbed someone.”

“Do not think that you are the only self-loathing as whole in the room, ever.”

“Choices, ___. It’s all about choices.”

“Can I stay with you tonight?”

“But it’s my job to do terrible things.”

“I want you to have a plan.”

“So not over me.”

“Ah. You made me cake.”

“It really doesn’t look like the picture.”

“Wait, wait, just because it looks bad doesn’t mean it tastes bad.”

“You don’t deserve nice things if you don’t look after them.”

“Why are you lying to me?”

“I gained valuable insight into Victorian gender politics.”

“You’re so close to getting what you want. But you have to play by the rules.”

“You are so annoying today.”

“I am just trying to save you from yourself!”

“You know, you really don’t have to be so dramatic.”

“This would be a really bad way to go!”

“Don’t worry, you’ll be my favorite.”

“What got you in such a good mood?”

“I really hate it when you do that.”

“You’re free now. You can be whoever you want.”

“But I don’t want to be free.”

“You have the hiccups?”

“I’ve been ordered to stay away from all of this.”

“What are you doing home at this hour of the day?”

“It is a bit odd being here in the daytime, isn’t it?”

“I get up to all sorts of stuff.”

“You barely even look at me.”

“I’m trying to tell you that I’m worried about you, ___!”

“You have hat hair.”

“You said you have everything under control.”

“Not getting any, huh?”

“Did they air bnb my room again?”

“I know a killer when I see a killer and she’s a killer.”

“You were mean.”

“I beat the crap out of the sofa so I don’t beat the crap out of people.”

“You’ll have lots of fun, I promise.”

“Being strong is a choice.”

“That looks like shit.”

“You don’t want to dance?”

“Eat this. Be quiet.”

“Come on, it used to make you laugh.”

“You always laugh at things that aren’t funny.”

“You do not belong here.”

“I was not a happy person.”

“You were never a happy person.”

“You were bad from the beginning.”

“Oh, I think I need to kill you.”

“It’s so good to see your eyes.”

“Do you want to put ice on it?”

“Are you trying to seduce me?”

“This is the same stuff I was doing before.”

“You know that would be okay... if you’re not okay, that is.”

“Sometimes you just need to let it win.”

“You can’t watch sports without a hot dog.”

“I don’t want to talk about it!”

“Where are we going? It better be someplace hot.”

“You should run away.”

“I don’t think you really want this.”

“Don’t let them see something’s up.”

“The plan only works if nobody knows there is one.”

“Should I… trust you?”

“None of us are to be trusted, that’s why we work here.”

“Don’t be a grump.”

“Stop or I’ll scream.”

“You know how annoying it is when you have to be around two people in love?”

“You’re a real role model, you know that?”

“You don’t have to do this. I already know you are scary.”

“___, are you comparing yourself to a carrot?”

“I don’t love being here either.”

“It would be so much better if we could have this conversation after I’ve eaten.”

“To you, I am harsh and cold and, to me, you are disappointed and expectant.”

“You don’t talk to people when they are bowling.”

“You can’t beat us, you understand?”

“Oh, I’ve got to get out of here.”

“That guy was really staring at me.”

“Do you know why I love you, ___? Because you’re an agent of chaos. And I love chaos.”

“You’re a beautiful monster, ___.”

“Thank you for the inappropriate touching. It was actually pretty nice.”

“You’re a child. You have no idea what you’re dealing with.”

“It’s just standard white person stuff.”

“Jokes are for people who do their job correctly, ___.”

“Do you ever think of anything else?”

“Heroes only get the girl in Hollywood.”

“Do you want to sit down?”

“Is this one of those moments we pretend never happened?”

“Look what someone just gave me. It’s a shank made out of a toothbrush.”

“Tone all this down a little. It’s too much.”

“So you’re actually leaving me here?”

“Why are you making this difficult?”

“You can’t get raided twice in a day. It’s a rule.”

“You look ridiculous.”

“Germans don’t wear kilts.”

“Russia has vegans now.”

“There is no such thing as a nice surprise.”

“Just once I want to make a scene and not be told to “be quiet” or to “pull myself together” or that I’m being ridiculous!”

“What kind of person does that?”

“I hope you die.”

“He’s crying out to be killed.”

“You have lost it, haven’t you?”

“Okay, I’m gonna make myself an omelette to celebrate.”

“That random guy now wants to kill me.”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Wherever I go, someone wants to murder me.”

“I probably deserve it.”

“Let’s face it, ___, I’m a prick.”

“Don’t argue with me we’re celebrating.”

“You’re not really okay, are you?”

“I fear the walls may be closing in on me.”

“It’s starting to feel personal.”

“What is wrong with you?! You’re an emotional iceberg!”

“I’m not coming at you, I’m trying to hug you.”

“This isn’t healthy.”

“You can’t just refuse to feel anything for the rest of your life.”

“A little overdramatic, don’t you think?”

“Is this really necessary?”

“You’re going to die in this room.”

“We are both to blame.”

“Do you ever think about the past?”

“They seem happy. Carefree.”

“I want to feel like that.”

“Dancing’s not my thing.”

“Are you leading or am I?”

“We’d consume each other before we got old.”

“Talk me through your outfit.”

“Comfortable is what you make people with a terminal illness.”

“I was trained to look devastating.”

“You know, you almost have no sense of humor.”

“What am I supposed to do? Applaud or…?”

“What is this really about?”

“You’ve not tried to bribe someone before, have you?”

“I expected you to look more like a stripper.”

“You know your problem? You don’t know what’s good for you.”

“Well, this is something new.”

“You’re going to burn for this.”

“I wish I could believe you.”

“You never loved me. Not even close.”

“You can be pretty athletic when you choose.”

“I don’t want to do it anymore. Any of it.”

“You were never like them. You only thought you were.”

“When I try to think of my future I just see your face over and over again.”

“Did I ruin your life?”

“Do you think I’m a monster?”

“I think we all have monsters inside of us, it’s just that most people have managed to keep theirs hidden.”

“Help me make it stop.”

#killing eve #ask meme #rp #rp meme #rp starters #starters #sentence starters #sentence starter meme #long post

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blackbirdos · 3 years ago

Text

It is almost cold on the balcony when Kutkha steps outside, and, as usual, the stars cannot be seen well through the thickness of the light pollution. He should be asleep, but the city is not, and there are probably a hundred other people just like him creeping outside for some air, to quell their churning thoughts. Kutkha inhales a shaky breath then moves over to the railing, stooping so that he can lean his elbows on it and look down into the dark street below. He likes the cold in a way he can’t explain. Before Earth, Kutkha had never shivered from a chill or sweat from the heat of the sun. Therefore, the temperature is unfamiliar to him, but unfamiliarity makes Kutkha feel the most like himself, devoid of the perfect prison he was born in. Difficult to explain, but nonetheless, truth.

Kutkha finally exhales. The feeling of it does not alleviate the weight in his chest, nothing has for a long while, but he can distract himself by watching lonely figures pass along the sidewalk far beneath him. The street lights cast them in long, cartoonish shadows, and they come and go, drifting off to their homes or work or lives. Kutkha does not know. Sometimes when he is out here, he likes to guess what their lives might be like, what his life could have been like if he was just like them.

Would he be happier if he had been born here? If he did not know what he knows?

He does not know.

Kutkha shifts and the railing creaks beneath him, then he stands up, drumming his fingers off the painted wood. What would a human do if up late with a restless mind? Perhaps play a game, watch a show, read, but nothing has been able to distract Kutkha from the ache in his chest, the need to move. He has tried everything else already; sometimes it is easier to just give in.

And so, he thinks.

His mind wanders first to the smell of old paper and bad coffee -- though all coffee is bad in Kuthka’s silent opinion. Logan is sitting across the table from him and frowning down at a journal that he’s referred to several times as ‘bullshit’, but has continued to read. It is endearing. It is also not the first time Kutkha has decided to step out of his metaphorical shell to spend time with Logan. The both of them come from vastly different lives, but they mesh well together in private, as both of them find silence companionable.

It is nice, Kutkha had thought at the time and thus thinks now upon reminiscing, and it is fulfilling to be a part of someone’s peace. He thinks of Logan’s struggles, of his journey to fit into this strange, unforgiving life, and relates to it immensely, but the two of them never speak of it.

There is no need to. Instead, Kutkha flips the page in his book and frowns at a diagram. They, after a while, talk about the finality of dust. To start as the leftovers of dying stars, to end, someday, the same.

Kutkha shuffles from foot to foot, drawn out of his memory by the honking of an impatient car down on the street far below. He turns to his dark apartment, intending to return inside and maybe… sit downstairs and read something, but he stops in distraction. He is wrong about his earlier assessment: the sky is especially clear tonight and he can see more stars than usual, though it is nothing like when he’d gone camping. The barest, ghost of a twinkle stands out of the clear, grey-blue sky. He is drawn to them in a way he is drawn to nothing else.

He steps up to the metal ladder that leads to the roof, climbs it gingerly, and stands with his eyes to the moon. Perhaps he could have simply teleported to the spot, but there was something inexplicably attractive to physical exertion, to the feeling of getting something done and feeling his muscles work in his body. He can feel the blood in his fingers, rushing along, and it is enough to remind him that he is indeed alive and standing there.

On the roof, the city yawns open before him. He walks to the opposite edge, watching out across dark buildings, and distantly the glitter of water in the bay. There is a breeze that ruffles his hair and he closes his eyes, overcome with the feeling that maybe it could blow him across the stretch of lights, across the sea, somewhere else.

Instead, he thinks of another time.

Emmett’s house smells like some unknown dessert as Kutkha steps inside, gingerly kicking off his shoes by the door as he had a dozen times before. Today, they will be building a model garage for the model house that had been in the works, and Kutkha’s fingers itched for the complicated embroidery that Emmett had promised. Kutkha bends to say hello to the little dogs that run up and greet him, but when he looks up, he notices another person coming to say hello alongside Emmett.

Oh, it’s Gardner. Kutkha feels strange about him in a way he can’t place, but not negatively. Kutkha vaguely recalls Emmett mentioning his presence days before, and Kutkha is happy to make room for someone a little new. He tells himself perhaps the strangeness is just a form of unfamiliarity, though Kutkha knows it is not.

He remembers what Gardner said about himself some time ago, plain and bare, and Kutkha understands intimately. To be a part of something huge and fearsome, to play a role bigger than yourself, not precisely knowing the consequences until it’s too late. Kutkha watches Gardner struggle to paint adhesive to the back of a small piece of wood for a tool cabinet and feels safe, here, despite the hesitance of others. It is a small normalcy that ends too soon.

The chill of the night time finally gets to Kutkha, just a little, and he finds that he’s tucked his bone-white fingers in his underarms for a modicum of warmth. It does not help much. It is just a distraction from a distraction. It’s now long past the time of just catching fresh air and Kutkha should go inside, maybe make some tea or, if truly despondent, put on a coat and go for a walk. He could see some of the kittens in the alleyway that have been too skittish to coax out from under the dumpster -- maybe this time one of them will take the step and accept the gentle offer of cheese.

Instead, Kutkha exhales, watching the steam roll off his lips. Breathing is second nature, as it is with most residents of this planet, but Kutkha finds that when he holds his breath, the sharp pang of need hardly comes. He does not know what to make of it, the idea that his habits are only learned and he keeps them only for comfort.

Still, inside of him is warmth somewhere like with anyone, as told by the steam.

Another memory flits through Kutkha’s mind, one that is shorter and more precious all the same. He and Amin are entertaining Alex for the evening, and Amin has run upstairs to take a phonecall. Alex is visibility enamored by the click-clack of Amin’s paws on the steps as he disappears from view.

“So, what have you been up to? I feel like we’ve barely talked even though we’re always in each other’s space,” Alex asks him after a beat of silence.

“I don’t know,” Kutkha answers. He looks at Alex who is looking at him oddly, like Kutkha is some kind of question he can’t figure out. Alex has big, bright eyes that give away every emotion. The next words slip out of Kutkha on accident, “Biding my time, mostly.” “Biding your time? What does that mean?” Alex asks immediately. He always speaks faster than his brain can comprehend words. “Hey, you know, I feel like you used to talk a lot more when I came over. Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” Kutkha replies after a beat. His mind is spinning from his strange admission. The question is so simple and so complicated all at once. “My mind has been racing all the time. Things are… okay, though. Thank you for asking. How have you been?”

Miraculously Alex drops it. Maybe he understands how it feels to be afraid to answer a truth you aren’t ready for.

In hindsight, Kutkha should have said more when someone had given him the opportunity, when he didn’t have to hide behind a veneer of shame that he was not entirely grateful he was here. The time is passed. He no longer has the energy to explain to himself or others how he feels about his place in the universe.

There is order and chaos, space and time, and he is none of them. He has seen countless histories unfold and snuff out like the wick of a candle on its own wax. He hates knowing. He wishes that he could just --

A sharp inhale and Kutkha shakes his head.

He remembers Lilius. He remembers the small victories, of Wil giving Charlie a big hug, or the rebels crying and singing in celebration before Kutkha is strong enough to bring them home. He remembers how everyone meshes together, how bonds are formed, how much he has struggled to be normal, to stand all of this.

He thinks of everyone coming home and finding a place within each other. He knows they are all grateful of Kutkha’s ability to have brought them there. He knows he is loved and wanted, that he has people to rely on, that he has a home, but he cannot escape the fact that he does not belong here.

He does not belong here.

The thought hits him like a brick. He bares his teeth.

Another memory, and he is laying in bed next to Amin midday during a rainstorm. Amin is half-dressed and asleep, the front of his chest gently brushing against Kutkha’s shoulder blades whenever he breathes. Everytime they touch, Kutkha is jolted with teases of memory, of Amin’s family, his parents, his siblings, various other things that only made sense to a dreamer. A room full of kucing sharing a traditional meal from their planet, only now crucial ingredients replaced with similar Earthen ones, and eaten on paper plates with plastic forks instead of carved ghilka wood.

It is all Amin knows, but Kutkha has seen the alternative. He has never spoken of it and Amin has never asked, but Kutkha has heard the ringing dialogue of an ilmir king and the striking of stone upon flesh. He has heard the rattling magic in the bones of the planet, the sprawling jungles and cities and deserts. He has seen what Amin will never get to see, what he was supposed to have, what he could have if it wasn’t for Kutkha and the purpose he was born into.

Kutkha lies still, unable to move. All he can think about is that it is a burden to know. He does not want to know, but he cannot forget.

It is a long time before Kutkha moves from the cold, empty roof back down onto the balcony and into the apartment as quietly as a ghost. The gray-blue darkness around him is tinged with the faint pink of morning and he has again not rested as he has not rested in days. He kicks off his shoes, hangs up one of the sweaters he’d borrowed off of Amin’s nightstand and glances back towards the sliding glass doorway he had shut on the way in.

He sees himself as glassy and transparent, a dark shape, superimposed over the outside world. A figment of something not really here.

Something that doesn’t belong, but something that has nothing else to do but stay.

#standalone #writing #kutkha #unfortunately ur character might be mentioned in here! fucked up

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rebelrainfall · 4 years ago

Text

you know what they say about absence

ao3 link here

Hey @cassianserso it’s me, your secret santa! I loved your prompt (Jyn and Cassian writing letters to each other), and I had SO much fun with it. I so hope I did it justice!

***

The cold air hits Jyn like a wall as the door to the transport swings open. It may be a good thing - there was barely room to sit down during this last four-hour leg of the return trip and she’s about ready to collapse. Cassian’s not in the hangar, not that she expected him to be, and neither is the U-wing. He must have left already, for what will be his first covert op in almost a year. He was so restless being grounded, hated feeling useless. She’s happy for him.

She’s less happy for herself, not that that’s a thought she has the time or will to explore.

No matter what Solo might say, there’s nothing weird about what she and Cassian are. Since those few, tense weeks after Scarif they’ve become close, and that’s all it is. They share a room because it’s convenient. They’re friends. Partners. And yeah, if someone had told her a year ago her life would be like this she would have been terrified, but things are different now. It’s good. What they have is good. She’s good at soothing that little voice that cries every now and then (more than she’d ever like to admit) for more. What he gives her is more than enough.

Jyn punches the code into the door of their room, ignoring the pounding behind her eyes. She has a day and a half before she’ll have to ship out again and she intends to spend as much of that time as possible asleep. Even the hot water in the ‘fresher isn’t enough to keep her there for a moment longer than necessary.

Cassian is definitely gone. The cot across from hers is neatly made, his least-conspicuous jacket gone from its hook. He’ll be on a mid level of Coruscant by now, if she remembers correctly what he told her.

Her own things are almost entirely the way she left them. Her blankets are half-on, half-off the bed, her vest thrown over the back of the desk chair, but there is something different.

There’s a piece of folded flimsi on her pillow.

There’s no introduction - her name isn’t even on it. But the note is in Cassian’s handwriting.

I was hoping you’d be back before I left and it came so close. If you arrived when you were scheduled to it’ll only have been an eight hour difference. I can’t say when I’ll be back but I think it should be soon.

I heard from Bodhi yesterday. He says to tell you training is going well. He didn’t say as much, but it sounds like things are going well with Skywalker, too.

K wasn’t cleared to come with me for this one and he’s very upset about it, so be advised. He should be having his ocular lenses replaced in Bay 3 if you need him.

Maybe you’ll be around when I get back next time. I guess I’ve gotten used to [word(s) scribbled out] having someone else in the room at night. The silence is strange.

There’s no ending or signature, but she doesn’t need one. Cassian never struck her as one for gestures like this, and that he went out of his way to leave this for her makes her warm in a way she refuses to linger on.

She sleeps twelve hours that night, and ten the next, and in the time between she snatches a sheet of flimsi from a supply closet to return the favour.

I’m sorry I can’t be back to see you. Trafficking rings don’t like to be kept waiting. At least I had two full nights in a proper bed, but you’re right. I miss It is too quiet here alone.

K is a little more charitable now that he can see again. I almost want to say pleasant, but we both know that word doesn’t apply to him. Don’t listen to anything he may tell you - the smoke bomb was his idea.

I’m shipping off again this afternoon to the outer rim, somewhere near Sullust. Pilot says the planet’s almost as cold as here. Bet you had a nice warm room on Coruscant, too bad I can’t stow away with you.

She leaves her note on his pillow and climbs into the shuttle with his in her pocket, like some holo-drama damsel collecting love letters.

Maybe he’ll be here next time she gets back.

II.

He isn’t.

There are signs all over the room that he was here, at some point, since her. Another jacket missing from its hook, an empty mug where she didn’t leave it.

Another note on her pillow.

Just missed you again. We have the worst timing. I’m back on Coruscant, but this next stint is [word(s) scribbled out] delicate. I might be back in a few weeks, but it could be months. I hoped to see you before I left, but you’re right. The war doesn’t wait.

Don’t let it go to your head, but I think I miss you. I still couldn’t bring K and it gets [word(s) scribbled out] boring by myself. K’s still being a grump - keep him company for me, hey? I also heard something about him attempting to create his own language to bother Skywalker’s droid, so I suggest you keep an eye on that.

There’s still no signature, but this time there’s a date. Two weeks ago. Jyn puts the flimsi down with a heavy breath. It could be months. The timing is… not great. She has an unusual stretch of downtime, more than a week, and no one to spend it with. This is the end of what she’d become accustomed to, she realizes. Now that he’s back in the field, Cassian can no longer be a daily fixture in her life. The prospect frightens her more than she cares to consider.

It’s ironic. Never thought I’d be sad to be alone.

Of course it isn’t so lonely as she might have feared. Bodhi is finally back from his flight training, a full-fledged X-wing pilot with the stories and the friends to prove it. He’s come such a long way in the short time she’s known him and his company is refreshing, even if he isn’t the man she finds her mind wandering far too often toward now that he’s gone.

She sleeps fine that week, though the nights are still too quiet. She could never miss the hum of snoring and whispers of the pathfinders at night. But alone, the dark and the quiet are oppressive in their deepness, threatening to swallow her without Cassian’s steady breathing from across the small space. It scares her, how accustomed she’s gotten to having someone else around. To having him around.

Maybe this is for the best, this separation. She hadn’t realized how much she relies on Cassian, his presence, his kindness. It’s a dangerous game, to rely on anyone. She’s always held a savage pride toward her independence, and maybe this reminder is what she needs to get herself back on track.

Maybe.

But when she considers it, life without him seems more frightening even than the weakness of reliance. She doesn’t have to be alone any more. The night before she leaves again she sits at the desk in their quarters writing him another note.

Sorry I can’t be here, tried my best! Since you’re so broken without me. I’m never forgetting that and I’ll make sure you don’t either.

Hope you’re here when I get back. I need Bodhi needs someone else to talk to - you can only hear the same three stories about Luke Skywalker so many times and I hit my limit two days after he got back.

Heading back to the outer rim today. Those traffickers from before are gone so now we’re just cleanup crew. Getting sick of Dameron’s jokes. Not that yours are any better.

Maybe I do miss you

III.

Four time zones on three different planets in the space of a week and Jyn’s circadian rhythm is wrecked. Thane says it’s 0500 local time when they hit atmo and she has to take his word for it because that makes as much sense as anything else.

She doesn’t see many people as she lugs her duffle back toward the barracks. It’s early enough that anyone on a night shift is still working and most of those who start in the morning aren’t awake yet. Madine’s given the crew the full day off, thank the force, and Jyn intends to take full advantage of that fact.

She opens the door and switches on the light before she notices anything different. Someone startles upright on the cot across from hers.

“Shavit, sorry!” She flicks it back off, already halfway to the ‘fresher to turn on that light instead as her pack lands on the floor with a quiet thud.

“No, no, it’s ok. I’m not - I wasn’t asleep.” Cassian’s voice is rough, but alert. “Turn on the light.”

She does, kicking off her boots, before the first thing he said registers. “It’s five in the morning! Why weren’t you asleep?”

He shrugs, squinting at her as his eyes adjust to the light. His hair has gotten longer since she saw him last, long enough now to fall in his face. A little part of her wants to comb it away from his eyes, or maybe tousle the bit by his ears. She shoves the thought away.

“Hi, by the way,” he says, ignoring her question. “Did you just get back?”

“Yeah.” She slumps down on her bed. “And hello to you, too.”

Stars, she’s missed him. Until now she hadn’t realized how much. But now that she’s looking at him… The way he smiles at her, gentle, makes her want little more than to wrap her arms around him. Kiss that gorgeous grin off his face.

Oh.

When did that start?

(A long time ago, not that she means to admit it).

He’s saying something but she missed the beginning, a little distracted.

“Sorry?”

He shakes his head. “You really are tired. I said, meet me for lunch, if you’re awake by then?”

“Sure, I probably will be.” She’ll make sure she is - like she would skip a meal with him after the six weeks they’ve just missed each other. “How long are you back?”

“Technically, I’m still a stand-by agent. So probably a while.

“I have at least a week.” Jyn drags herself back upright and heads towards the ‘fresher. The sooner she gets in the shower, the sooner she can get out and into bed. The hot water is heaven after so long caked in mud, but it still isn’t enough to keep her any longer than necessary. Once she’s out and dressed she sits on the counter to braid her hair, listening to Cassian talk about Coruscant through the open door.

“You should know, my ‘apartment’ sucked. My neighbour in the unit below smoked and it would come up through the vent and I didn’t have any windows. You would have hated it.”

“Wanna bet? I slept in a tree last night. Not a treehouse or even a platform, a hollowed-out tree.”

He huffs a laugh. “Sounds like fun.”

She finishes her hair and turns her attention to the healing gash on her shoulder, opening the cupboard for a square of gauze and a roll of medical tape. She hops down from the counter to pass them to him. “Help me with this?”

“Where?”

“Shoulder. I can’t quite reach it.”

She turns around and pulls down the strap of her tank top to show him. He hisses in sympathy.

“What did you do to yourself?”

“Fight with that stupid tree. It looks worse than it is.”

“Still.”

Settling down on his bed, he guides her to sit in front of him so he can center the gauze over the wound. His hands are gentle smoothing the edge of the tape to her skin. She hopes it’s cold enough that he’ll assume that’s what makes her shiver. He’s so careful - far more than she would have been.

He runs a hand softly up and down her back once it’s in place, and Jyn freezes.

“There,” he murmurs, “All patched up.”

“Thank you,” she says, proud of how steady her voice is. Force, she’s pathetic. He’s her friend. This is nothing new, this touch is not new.

If she were to lean back she would be in his arms.

Not that she’s thinking about that.

They’ve lived together for months. He’s touched her more than this dozens of times. Why is this the gesture to undo her?

Cassian clears his throat and she almost jumps. Kriff, did he notice her sudden nervousness? But then he gestures to the desk and the two cups on it.

“Caf for me, tea for you. Should be cool enough to drink, now.”

Oh, he’s an angel. She stands up to get them and then to sit down on her own cot, grateful to have an excuse to get away from his overwhelming proximity. She passes his mug across to him and takes a sip of hers, and of course it’s her favourite kind.

“Thank you. You’re getting up now?”

“If I get more done this morning I can have a longer break for lunch with you.”

Stars, has he always been this kind?

“Aw,” she deadpans, “It’s like you missed me.”

He flicks his eyes up to hers, then looks down into his own drink.

“I did.”

She focuses on her tea, carefully not looking at him. She can’t feel this way. Not now, not ever. This is Cassian.

“How did the rest of the trip go? Aside from the evil tree.” It’s been quiet for long enough that the question is a surprise. She shrugs. It’s ok, she tells herself. He’s her friend and that’s more than enough. She’ll love him forever for it no matter how else her traitorous heart might behave.

“Boring. Helped Kyrell’s squadron distribute aid for a while, and then we took out the last holdout cell. It was never a huge operation. That ring had maybe a dozen ships.”

“Boring is good.”

“Mm. How about you?”

“A little less boring, but I can’t… it’s classified, sorry.”

She knows he’s not brushing her off. She wishes there was something he could tell her, if only to keep hearing his voice after so long, but she’s used to that answer. So she takes another sip of her tea and tries to remember anything that’s happened. Anything she could say to make him smile.

“How is Kay?” Is what she settles on. “Did he finish that spite-project of his?”

“His language? He did, and Threepio is suitably bothered.”

“Good.”

“What’s better though - the princess caught wind of it and now she’s trying to figure out if we could work it into a code. So all the droids might have to learn it, not just Threepio.”

It was the right topic. Casisian’s lit up as he tells her about this, all the little details he knows. She finishes her tea before she has time to realize it, and her exhaustion really is starting to catch up with her, but it’s not until Cassian stands up that she gives any of that a moment’s thought.

“You should get to bed,” he says, crouching down to fish his clothes out from the drawer under his bed. “You have six hours ‘til lunch and if you’re late I’m not saving you caf.”

“Mean,” she grumbles, pulling her blankets up off the floor and setting an alarm on her datapad while he takes out a towel. She hears Cassian turn on the shower as she lays down. She’s asleep before it shuts off.

Jyn would not consider herself a morning person. Not that it’s truly morning when her alarm goes off at half-after noon, but that’s just a technicality. She tells herself it’s better for her sleep cycle to get up now, and go back to bed at a more normal hour, but really it’s only her plan with Cassian that gets her properly awake.

Alarm still blaring, she reaches under the bed to grab the first set of clothes she can reach. She sits up, stretches, and reaches to turn it off.

And stops.

There’s a piece of flimsi on her datapad.

Confused, she reaches for it. She talked to Cassian only hours ago, and she’ll see him soon, so why would he need to leave her a letter now?

Unless he couldn’t meet her. If he was sent off for another op, if he’s going to be gone for weeks, but no. He’d have woken her if he had to leave. He wouldn’t leave without a goodbye.

She unfolds the note, worried. Something must be wrong.

Jyn, it begins, and that’s new. She likes the way her name looks in his small, tidy writing.

Jyn,

I’m glad you’re home. I really have missed you. So much.

There’s something I want you to know. I never planned to tell you but [word(s) scribbled out] I think I see things a little differently now. I should have waited until I saw you at lunch but I think this may be easier in writing.

I won’t waste time. I love you. You know that already, you must. You mean so much to me and I don’t want to imagine my life without you. But it’s more than that, I’m in love with you. I was never going to bring it up but something this morning [word(s) scribbled out] [word(s) scribbled out]. I can’t explain it.

If I’m right, if you want what I do, forgive me for doing this the coward’s way and let me be yours. If I’m wrong, [word(s) scribbled out] I’m so sorry. Please, please, let me down softly and I’ll never bring this up again. We can forget about it, I’ll get over myself, just let me be in your life. I had to tell you. I love you. I’m sorry.

Jyn stares down at the words on the page.

It doesn’t compute.

Not the first time, barely the second time.

Let me be yours.

Jyn puts the letter down after her fourth time reading it, only to pick it right back up again. She takes a deep breath, forcing her mind into a facsimile of calm and tries to think logically.

Everything she’s hardly realized she wanted. More.

He…

He loves her.

Cassian loves her. And by now he’s probably sitting in the mess wondering if she’ll show up. Assuming the worst, if she knows him at all.

He loves her.

Luckily, there’s something she can do about that.

#cassianserso #rebelcaptainsecretsanta #rebelcaptain #therebelcaptainnetwork #my writing #did i learn to write aurebesh specifically for that banner at the top?#maaaaaaybe

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