#having anxiety is so fucking cringe for real. what do you mean i cant sleep bc im too amped up from a sentence thats not even real. bitch??

[sodrippy]

accidentally had a stray thought about smth im nervous about and now ive totally wound myself up and ruined my sleep over it even though its a voluntary activity i signed up for and its not even tomorrow

[froshele]

hell yea brother (gender neutral)

listen im getting formally married real soon (together nearly a decade) and I've already seen some shit. I know what the fault lines of this thing are, i know all the little ways in which we both suck, and I know how to navigate them

sure it's not realistic to say its all sunshine and roses (we are conclusively out of the honeymoon phase and have done our time actually labouring together to the benefit of the commons; she has the entire tumblr gauntlet of conventionally diagnosed mental illnesses at once (and i am not going to lie on tumblr dot com about what it means to combine bipolar, bpd, ocd, asperger's, a somewhat tenuous relationship to the visions that falls short of schizophrenia, and adhd)

but its not meant to be, no human relationship is! you need a network your spouse is just one part of

i love my wife and even when i dont love the life we have now i know that we got each other and we can weather anything, even the racist and antisemitic antics of our current landlord

sometimes one or both of us is miserable or has some fucked up shit going on (her geometry visions and fear of middle aged women, my cycles of psychosomatic inability to do anything and weird tormentous brainworms) and that too is the human condition

its the human condition that we have different cleaning standards and chores we hate! sometimes the house is a hovel due to we are both human syndrome and this too is the human condition

but you know what, i get to watch her eyes light up every time I cook something nice (most nights)! I get to show her how to do the things she can't do! she gets to optimize things for her mandatory enrichment (computer science major) and i get to teach her about social skills and motivations (anthropology guy) and reassure her about various medical anxieties (becoming a physician so we can give our cat and ferret and future kids a good life)! i have never felt like anything i liked was cringe or bad or ugly and even my craziest most insane boundaries are respected!

she likes my hyperhidrosis!!!!

she gets to come home to hot bath and i get to be brought delicious outside food (mate feeding) (tremendously enriching)! she gets to talk to me about work and i get to tell her about work! whenever one of us starts failing the other picks up the slack! And oh my gd there's someone to hold when the nightmares and the visions come around again. and we can not always help the nightmares or the visions or their consequences (one time she took the car and ran away from home and I just sat there with my hands in my lap like well i cant call the usamurican police on my very brown wife, and she has the car, what did she want me to do here? daven i guess?) but we call on our support system to help us and hell i mean like. is this not what contentment is like? when you wake up and go to sleep safe and comfortable, and someone is always there to sit in the empty chair designated for them in your soul? and every morning coffee, and every evening tea?

this is pretty great actually i like it lots. no sign of the way marriage is Meant to Suck yet!

[fairycosmos]

im just wondering do you have any darknesses in you? meaning like parts of you that need to come out and be hateful or angry that scare you? i have such moral insecurities and anxieties i try to be kind but i just feel sometimes some monster in me so i try to let it out in private, but it seems like so many people like u are so certainly unfalteringly good and i cant understand how!!! i wanna be like that!!!! if you dont wanna answer or this is weird i totally understand lol

oh dude..........absolutely. dont make the mistake of thinking i’m like idk.....someone you should want to be like. i know i answer anons asking for advice sometimes, but that’s usually just me suggesting they seek professional support bc i can relate to them. i’m sure the ppl who follow me on here have a very one dimensional image of me as i do in regards to the people i follow, due to the nature of social media. but i can definitely vouch for the fact that i’m a fucked up person and i have a lot to work on, a whole lifetime of shit to work on. while it’s easy to be amicable with people online when they’re giving you that same positive energy, in real life i’m basically too insecure and bitter to be as open and vulnerable as i am on here.  i have internalized so much crap and it comes through in most of my interactions. i’m selfish, i have a million complexes, i’m insecure, i cringe away from everything, i’m emotionally unavailable at the best of times, i’m moody and neglectful. i’m a COMPLETE coward. sometimes i dont think about the shit that i say, i take things for granted. i freeze and avoid avoid avoid to the point of toxicity. i never know where to start or how to conduct myself naturally - to an embarrassing extent for someone who is a whole ass adult. and i’m angry, too. which is a human emotion not a flaw. but people tell me my resting face looks like i want to fkn kill somebody, i dont have a good aura :( there’s a lot of reasons i’m so isolated, i guess. besides all of that though, i also don’t think we as humans can be categorized as ‘entirely good’ or ‘entirely bad’ because most of us carry both inside, always. we’re complex beings made up of shades of grey, rather than of black and white. and the different environments we find ourselves in (usually due to factors outside of our control) tend to bring out different parts of who we are, negative or otherwise. everyone you pass on the street has that same ‘face’ they only wear when they’re alone. we see others in a very shallow way on a day to day basis, so it’s easy to think they’re not holding anything back, but they always are. nobody gets through the world unscathed and having insecurities, especially ones you’ve learned growing up, is completely normal.  the only thing you can do once you recognize that they’re there is try your best to dismantle the toxic mindsets that have been forced upon you, through therapy or self help or even just with time. and it’s alright if that’s a life long process. you’re allowed to be pissed off, you’re allowed to be hurt. it doesn’t make you a monster at all. the whole point is that you are trying to be kind despite it all and that you are working with what you’ve been given. if you were really some evil unimaginable beast, you wouldn’t even be willing to put forth that effort. it’s good that you’re looking inwards and trying every day to be a better person, but sometimes it’s good to take a step back to breathe. don’t over analyze your existence too much love. it all just ends up becoming so convoluted and unclear when you judge yourself for every single trait you’ve ever observed in your behaviour/personality. because growth is constant and you’re experiencing it subconsciously every single day. and then there’s the issue of perception. everyone you meet sees you through their own lens. some will see good, some may see the parts you want to keep hidden. but either way you’re a whole person, and so it’s natural to have sides of you that conflict. you don’t have to be unfalteringly happy and positive all the time. in fact it’s impossible and may be a disservice to your mental well being in the long run. ultimately i think it comes down to this. i PROMISE i wouldn’t be quoting h*rry p*otter in 2020 if i wasn’t moderately sleep deprived but i am so. it’s one of the most famous lines and it applies - “we’ve all got both light and dark inside us. what matters is the part we choose to act on. that’s who we really are.” the son of a bitch was right. and you’re doing far better than you realize, just by prioritizing kindness and trying to extend it every day. you’re a good person because you’re attempting to be, and that’s more than enough :)

[stupendousshepherdloverpony]

Bucky Barnes x reader.

Insurance: chapter 2

Summary; the reader has been kidnapped by HYRDA and Brock Rumlow has spoken to her, basically telling her the situation and leaving her in an isolated room.

———————————————————————

Y/N POV;

A harsh banging on metal awoke me from my sleep. With blurred vision and shaking legs, I stood up from the poor excuse of a bed towards the door.

As I reached the door I was met with the same shit-eating smirk and dead eyes from yesterday. Rumlow eyed my stature before muttering “You have 30 minutes to get changed and shower”. I internally rolled my eyes, it felt to early for his bullshit. Yesterday’s fear had rolled off my partially due to my sleep, and the realisation that the clearly needed me alive... for now.

Rumlow began to shut the latch, not before turning to say “Oh, and wear something nice underneath to. Knock on the door when your ready” with a wink from him I resisted the urge to gag. Swiftly walking towards the bathroom, I decided to try my best to show as little fear as possible. They wouldn’t win so easily.

I was almost thankful to peel off my clothes in the bathroom, the grime from the attack and hostage situation had taken its tole. Dirt and holes littered my sweatshirt, and my jeans covered in dust. I folded my clothes and set them aside by the bathroom door (which unfortunately had no lock). Carefully stepping into the shower, I had to avoid all the stains littering the wall. It took a minute for the water to heat up enough before I completely submerged myself under the water.

Rumlow’s words from yesterday burned in my head as I used the bar of soap to clean myself. ‘What on earth does he mean, saying I’ll be a toy to some HYRDA member?’ I thought to myself as I worked to de-tangle the knots in my hair and wash away the debris from the attack. The mere memory of my fear at the time made my eyes water, letting myself slip into thoughts of what happened to everyone after I blacked out resulted in the tears finally falling. I refused to let them hear my suffering, so I cried in silence.

Estimating that I spent about 20 of my 30 minutes lost in thought while showering I decided it was good enough. Stepping out the shower, wrapping a white towel around my body and hair I made my way to get a set of new clothes. I let out an exhausted sigh as I stared at the large range of lingerie. Knowing that I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, I decided to go with a pastel pink lace bra with matching panties. They offered the most coverage, and if it was a different situation I might of actually felt confident wearing them. Putting on the grey top and shorts, I realised I had five minutes left. In a poor attempt to stall my unknown fate I went over to the desk and sat down on the edge, unscrewing the cap on the water and taking a long sip. I hadn’t realised my thirst until that moment.

Estimating that I spent about 20 of my 30 minutes lost in thought while showering I decided it was good enough. Stepping out the shower, wrapping a white towel around my body and hair I made my way to get a set of new clothes. I let out an exhausted sigh as I stared at the large range of lingerie. Knowing that I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, I decided to go with a pastel pink lace bra with matching panties. They offered the most coverage, and if it was a different situation I might of actually felt confident wearing them. Putting on the grey top and shorts, I realised I had five minutes left. In a poor attempt to stall my unknown fate I went over to the desk and sat down on the edge, unscrewing the cap on the water and taking a long sip. I hadn’t realised my thirst until that moment.

After a few minutes there was a sudden banging on the metal door, Rumlow voice shouting through it “Times up darling! Let’s go. “ I almost cringed to myself at the thought of what’s going to happen. I slowly lowered myself off the desk and trudged to the door. Rumlow slammed open the door, almost hitting me in the face during the process. He gripped my arm and yanked me out the room, without saying another smart ass remark he proceeded to lead me through another maze of blank walls and doors. After a few minutes we reached another brown door, this one labelled ‘holding centre’. This shot a streak of white hot fear through me. Rumlow knocked on the door three times before it was opened by an unfamiliar man dressed in a grey suit. They nodded to each other before leading me to a table bolted to the middle of the floor, the only other thing in the room being a chair on each side of the table.

“Take a seat Y/N” the unfamiliar man stated. This shocked me, Rumlow never said my name so I assumed they didn’t know it. I hesitated but did as he said, the other man sitting opposite me. “Now, its time to set things a little clearer. My name is Alexander Pierce, and as you know we are members of the infamous HYDRA. Do you know why you are here?” Pierce raised an eyebrow at me.

I stared at him, almost astonished at his calm composure. Nonetheless I replied “Rumlow said... I’d be a toy, but please just let me go! I have no clue why you’ve done this to me but I promise not to tell anyone about it!” My brave composure broke as my hands and legs began to shake, this was always a clear sign of my anxiety spiking up. From the other side of the room Rumlow chuckled, and Pierce stared at me in confusion. “Oh my, you seem to misunderstand. You are so important to us Miss L/N” he stood up and walked behind me, gripping my shoulders and leaned close to my right ear. He continued “You have been specifically chosen to belong to humanities last hope of survival. To our asset you will be, let’s call it Insurance. You are forever now his properly until you become useless to us. If he or you disobey us, there will be severe punishments met. Any form of escape or resistance will not be tolerated. You will be used to please and appease him. Whether this be sexually or anything else, it is up to the Asset to use you as he pleases. If in the circumstance you become pregnant with the Assets child, do not think for one second this child will be put up. This mission was initially to breed a new line of soldiers, you are most useful for us to eventually be bred. This is not indefinite your fate, whether you become pregnant or not is up to the Asset. “

The tears forming in my eyes began to fall, hearing the direct malice in Pierce’s voice showed the unfortunate truth behind his words. “I’m a prisoner...” I whimpered, more to myself than to either of them. The thought of being ‘bred’ horrified me, ‘I cant become a mother to some monsters child! No child should deserve such a fate!’ Pierced leaned even closer to me, whispering this time “I suppose so, if that’s what you call it. Now, why don’t we meet your new...master?” I flinched at that word, never believing I’d ever hear someone using it in such a context. Pierce directed me to stand up in front of a mirror I had not noticed earlier on, the darkness of the room concealing it. Suddenly, a light switch was turned on and light began to come through the other side.

On the other side of the clearly 2- way mirror, was another plain room. A horrified gasp escaped my chapped lips at the sight of the rooms inhabitant. Sat in the middle of the room, strapped to a leather and metal chair was a man. From first look he appeared maybe in his late 20’s or early 30’s. His head was bent, longish brown hair fell over his eyes, but what caught my attention, and fear, was his left arm. In replace of a real arm, was a completely metal arm, it’s silver meal shining as the light caught sight.

Thoughts whirled inside of my head. ‘Oh my god, this man could single handedly kill me!’ ‘Fuck what do I do?!’ ‘I have no chance of ever escaping!’ ‘I wonder what happened to his arm...’

Snapping me out of my trance once again, this time by Pierce, my arm was pulled but I defiantly dug my heels into the ground. “Please, let me go! I can’t do this! He could kill me!” Pierce without hesitation slapped me in the face twice, both cheeks burned red as Rumlow came over and hauled me over his shoulder. I sobbed to myself as they took me out of the room, yet to my confusion led me to an opposite room. Rumlow dropped me inside and I immediately ran to the far wall, wishing I could dissolve through it and escape. With a blank voice, he said “Oh I bet your sad your not with the Asset yet. Don’t worry, he has a mission to attend to then will be joining you. In the mean time, get comfortable. It may be a long ass time before you leave this room!” He cackled to himself, slamming the door with an audible lock. One again, I was trapped inside a room, only this time, I had more to fear. The ‘asset’ will return and for all I know, he might have full intentions to use me. Breed me as Pierce disgustingly put it. Or even worse kill me.

——————————————————————— Sorry people! Bucky and the reader haven’t met yet but it will come soon! And as soon as that happens, trust me it should get a whole lot more fucked up. But in a good way.

@darkficsyouneveraskedfor

@brazen88brat

@desdemonadeluna-blog

[cleargreengames]

i just need to vent for a minute

so like this is all set against the backdrop of my life is a huge disaster (and i am a huge disaster) but im not gonna be specific about that cause its not the main thing im thinking about in this moment, and like i am not wanting it to sound like i think thats cool and blah blah blah. you get it im sure.  so yeah im just mentioning it for the context and cause like tbh im pretty actively worried about like dying/how much longer i can survive so thats the back drop. but i want to vent about how stressed out and frustrated i am from trying to work on a million different things at once.its like compulsive to a big degree for me to do these things. making things is all i can do and all i feel any value in for my life but i also feel a neurotic pressure in that i need to do it. when i stop working on something i can maybe sit through like a youtube video or an episode of a cartoon (a movie if its really grabbing) and then i just become miserable until i start working again. and like my fear and anxiety about my crumbling life is really exacerbating this and in my head and heart its like this very loud presence of “rebecca, you have so much to do and so little time”  but i am someone who cannot and will not rush. so if i need to be finishing things faster it means i need to work a lot harder and as close to literally nonstop as possible which i know is unhealthy but that isnt whats important really. i have so many ideas for things i want to do and make that it feels like my brain will pop. like i have so many ideas that it makes me cry a lot and not cause of being sad or being stressed out just i feel so fucking overwhelmed by my racing thoughts and how much i feel i need to do this cause its my only connection to life. (i need to interject real quick im talking about my like workwork artwork not the fanart or videos i have this blog for). ive moved around my sleeping and eating habits which have always been erratic and probably pretty bad to basically eliminate sleep as much as possible/ i will nap a bit every day or 2 to try and stay a little bit lucid (i accidentally slept for 4 hours this morning though and im like “ahhh oh fuck”) . i dont know....i guess like what im saying is like this is taking a pretty big toll on me and its not like im a very strong person to carry extra weight lol / so im just kinda freaking out a little bit. cause im working on so many different types of art projects, and even like whether its music or video or design or writing  im working on a myriad of things in each category and thats only the counting the counting the ones i can actively make some progress on in an imeadiate and daily fashion and im not even talking about the larger scale video and performance projects which are right now a little biut to big to adress and jesus im stressed out that i will not get a chance to start making progress on thbose.  -   - this is just more than i can adequately handle. my health and mentality are really poor right now and i just need to get it off my chest to someone or the void lol so i guess how it connects to why i have this blog is obviously i havent posted or recorded a gameplay video in a bit. this isnt a really big deal. i can obviously afford to put that on the backburner, and i dont have an audience im disappointing or anything. i do have some already recorded game videos piled up but i havent had time to edit them. even the ones ive already posted are clearly pretty sloppy and not fully up to my standard which i dont like but its the one area where i can afford to sorta cut corners right now lol it sucks because recording and editing those is weird and fun. and obviously i like playing games both cause its fun and i just find video games so so so interesting. ive wanted to record lets-plays for a long time, and at the end of the day i want to do that (and will pick up where i left off asap) for myself, but i also think with a bit of practice and a bit more time for editing i could be alright at making gaming videos eventually, and it would be fun to have a platform just to try and entertain people, cause my artwork is not really made with the mindset of making something “entertaining” per se. especially not the stuff im most activley working on. idek. plus i guess like more people might be interested in my work if they already knew me from somewhere else, and id like more people to see my art. so yeah i had to pase making those for now. i might record a bit later just to like, take a moment to re collect myself, like i said before i cant help but make things to big for myself. even in just making lets-plays im trying to bite off more than i can chew . im trying to get thru many games at once and have some slightly weird plans for down the line with that. idek. i recorded 5 episodes of a horror themed podcast but i scrapped them and im gonna restart making the show from scratch now. but thats not until i can clear time for that. i need to stop ranting omg okay i hope this isnt too cringe. im not gonna proofread it cause im afraid i wont post it if i do. i dont even mean for this to be complaining. i love what i do. im just really really really really stressed out