#having a big blog is a memory test and I'm failing it so bad

[somerandomdudelmao]

If you ever want more, or would like some for friends or whatever, then I'm more than happy to make some and send them.

I saved the orca mold, although I have lots of others should you want something different.

Very glad you liked them. I hope Hoddi liked her stuff too.

Oh, my God, wait I REMEMBER I remember you! I was confused because the name on the letter didn't match anyone I know. Oh, my God Come here let me give you a hugthankyousomuch

Hoddy loved it. She smiled and giggled with me and I'm sure her apartment is full of bunnies now ehehjfkgkh

[notetaeker]

Hello!!! How did you become so dedicated to your studies? Do you have some advice?

I love your blog, btw✨️

Hi hi hi!! Thanks for the sweet message 💞💞

My BIG study tips (after 25 years of studying):

Accept your fate. This goes for anything but I used to procrastinate with studying a LOT and once you start it's actually not that bad. It's guaranteed. Automatically once you start, you have started, so you're already on your way, so it's already automatically not as bad anymore. Whining abt ur studies and avoiding them will not make them go away unfortunately. Just do it.

Make study time sacred. A few minutes of focused study is much more valuable than 5 hours spent at the library "studying" + scrolling + talking to friends + listening to music at the same time. Doing 5 hours like that is literally putting yourself thru hell because 1. you cant fully enjoy any of those non-studying activities and 2. you come out of that being like ugh I studied this page for 5 hours I'm tired of studying I need a break. Pomodoro method really changed my life pls try it out if u haven't already

That one tumblr post that says 'learning is basically being exposed to the same materials many times in multiple ways' is 100% correct. How many different ways can you expose yourself to the material. Memorizing facts- can you draw it? Can you organize the facts into lists? Can you attach a funny story to one of the facts? The more ways you interact with any material, the stronger it's saved in your memory. Find out if you're a visual learner- and then create visual tools, maybe color coding things helps you. Do a little digging and find out what works for you.

Diversify your life. Have some hobbies, spend time with friends/family, take a break. Let the computer of your brain sort out things in the background while you do other things. Once you go back to studying, you will feel refreshed (and not fatigued from 5 hrs in the library doing "studying") This also means that if you fail an exam, you won't be like 'oh no i spent my whole spring break studying for this exam and didn't even enjoy it and now I got a bad grade i must be horrible my life is nothing' and spiral. def not based on a true story :) Instead you'll be like yeah I failed but look at this scarf I crocheted look at mee i have mental health!

Sleep is magic- no matter what anyone else tries to tell you. 1. If you studied something during the day, just review those things right before bed and magically they will get set into your brain. Also 2. sleeping is when our brain sorts info so if you don't get any sleep at all it' the same as taking your study sheets and throwing them into the air, so when you ask your brain for the info during the test it's like lol it's around here somewhere. On the other hand, if you slept and gave ur brain time to sort it, when you ask for that info, it'll just open the right drawer and give u the info!

That's it for the big ones- if you want more specific advice feel free to ask! Also as a disclaimer, these 5 are all big life lessons that I had to learn thru trial and error, so consider these to be the advice I would give myself at a younger age. Pls don't be offended lol whenever I said 'you' I rlly was thinking abt myself.

[lunar-solstice-plur]

Not to talk about random shit on this blog but I need to talk about Inside Out 2 because I LOVED IT so much. (this is not a professional analysis at all just ramblings) (also SPOILERS)

First things first, I loved the character designs so freaking much. Little Envy being so small she has to be carried, and her cute little dress?? I was like crying looking at her. Ennui like not even being able to sit up right cuz she cares so little. I love her emo design and just the fact that she's French is so random but I love it. I wish she had more of a role in the movie though.

Embarrassment being so big he can barely fit in the frame. His hoodie covering up his entire face except his nose is so cute. And Anxiety being high strung, like, physically, her stringy hair tied up! And her awkward smile and deer in the headlights eyes, she is we. Oh, and Nostalgia literally having rose-colored glasses lol.

And its not just the emotions, the other designs were so good! The human characters being so much more diverse (having a Muslim teammate? Woah!) and Riley still looks like herself, just grown up a little. The 2D animation was so fun, and Riley's anime boyfriend having the like kingdom hearts animation style is hilarious.

(All of that text and I haven't even talked about the plot yet!)

I have a severe anxiety disorder, and of course, the main antagonist of the movie is Anxiety, that's not a hidden thing, so I was I little worried about them making her some kind of evil character. But genuinely, she was so well done. She was genuinely trying to help Riley be her better self, she just didn't understand that what she was doing was hurting her. She was planning for the future, a few little broken promises are nothing compared to a positive future! But she took it too far, and everything got to be too much. Riley wasn't good enough anymore. And she tried to fix that too, but it just led to an anxiety attack.

Three things I particularly liked were, one, that Joy getting angry at Anxiety didn't stop her because getting upset at someone having an anxiety attack only sends them spiraling further. Two, showing grounding techniques in the movie! Focusing on the things Riley could hear, see, touch.

And most importantly, three, the fact that the message wasn't that Anxiety is a horrible emotion that should never do anything. That's such an easy trap to fall into. But no, she has a role, too. Riley needed to study for that Spanish test, or else she could fail. But they calm Anxiety down when she gets too caught up in not making the team, because mom and dad will still love us if we fail, and there's always next year.

Plus, the fact that Joy didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to deal with the new emotions, and she didn't know how they were going to help Riley get her sense of self back. And she admitted that. And in the end, she was still a little wrong, just like in the first movie. Riley's sense of self changed, and that's okay, because she's her own person and deserves the space to change and be herself, no matter what that entails. Riley still needs to be happy, but she also needs to feel afraid and angry and sad and disgusted, and of course, embarrassed and anxious and envious and bored. The bad memories may leave a sour taste, but they can't just be hidden away.

There were some parts I didn't like (the whole 'you're delusional!' bit was really unfortunate, and the 'well that's a preview of the next 10 years' actually seems quite hurtful to the development of youth's emotional expression, being shamed for emotional outbursts), but overall, I really really enjoyed it, and I'm so glad that they were able to portray these emotions that are viewed negatively by many people in a more positive light.

[ctrl-shift-escape]

Brand new loop. And with it, a lot more possibilities than I had in the previous loops. For one, I can start copying my old code that I put on here back into my programs again.

And I can take notes, which is the big thing. There's so much happening every day - even if it's the same - and I can't keep track of all the changes I do and how they manifest in the real world. My memory has never been the greatest - you could say that my computer and phone are my ectopic brains. Haha.

------

I'll treat this loop as a means to properly prepare for future loops. Other than making sure Elliot is nowhere near that intersection today, I won't butt into any more business this loop.

I was thinking a lot about how I'd change my approach if I got Tumblr back. Because I was doing a lot of things rather haphazardly.

It's a time loop. Nothing changes unless I change something (the weird loop aside). I should take a scientific approach to this, and if it fails, there is always the next loop.

There is always the next loop.

------

First thing's first is that I'll make some anonymous voice mail recordings to send over VoIP to the police and fire station over the events in #log tag. Even with Elliot surviving, there's still the unsolved murder that I had completely forgotten about and the big McDonalds fire. And there's some other murders and robberies I caught on the police scanner using Jack's method of recording to analog and back again.

I'll need to reorganize this blog better for event tracking and testing. For example, I have discovered an incredibly consistent way of attracting the attention of the DEA to arrest my obnoxious nighttime-music-playing neighbor by switching the "screw-you/fuck-you" chorus on the speakers to a bunch of very loud animal noises instead.

I'm still a little livid about what happened that loop - I remember their names Officer LaMont and Trevor. I will get them back. They're corrupt officers anyway. They probably did other bad things, even if the thing I hate them for no longer exists in this loop.

[scripttorture]

Just something I'm curious about - in your torture in fiction posts that deal with sci-fi settings, particularly Star Wars, you list a lot of the torture devices as unrealistic because they're high-tech compared to real life equipment. Is this because you're trying to really stress how how real life torture is carried out? I admittedly haven't studied the topic as in-depth as you, but a lot of the devices used in Star Wars torture scenes seem fancy and space-age to us but in-universe (1/2)

(2/2) things like the droid used to torture Leia in A New Hope are very common and viewed as everyday devices. I guess I’m also asking if a character’s perception of what a common/“low tech” device is would factor into how they select torture methods, or if you think the general technology level of the story doesn’t matter much?

I guess it’s primarily about trying to get people to understand whattorture is.

We are surrounded by stories that, one way or another, suggest torturecan be ‘ok’.

We’re also surrounded by stories that, knowingly or not, get their imageof torture from taking what torturers sayat face value.

And the idea of using high-tech devices, complicated devices, in tortureis doing just that. It is believing these ignorant, pathetic brutes when theysay that what they do is actually ‘scientific’, that it can be ‘improved’, thatthey personally are ‘really good at it’ and that they personally are the specialexception flying against every piece of scientific evidence we have.

The idea of torture being high-tech is heavily linked to the ideatorture can be ‘improved’. It’s a cop out that says ‘well this time didn’t workI guess we need to build a better droid’.

It’s also heavily linked tothe idea that ‘clean’ non-scarring tortures are somehow ‘safer’, that you cancause someone massive amounts of pain and trauma but it’s ok it won’t damagethem. Because it’s ‘scientific’.

Please understand that this anger is not directed at you. This is thememory of sifting through eloquent, newspaper published arguments ‘for’waterboarding and too many conversations where I am asked to ‘prove’ torturecould never work under increasingly ludicrously sci-fi circumstances.

It’s the way so many people seem to automatically turn a discussionabout stopping torture towards ‘wellperhaps if we just tortured people in the ‘right’ way-’

It isn’t about what sort oftechnology is common in the setting.

Almost everyone has a mobile phone where I live. I think it’s safe toassume that the prisons and police stations where a lot of torture takes place have mobile phones, televisions,computers, microwaves.

There has never been a singlereported incident I can find of them being used to torture.

It’s not just expense, it’s practicality. The more complicated and hightech something is the easier it is to break and the harder it is to use withouttraining.

From the torturer’s perspective torture is all about using the least amount of effort.

Anything that takes longer, anything that breaks in use, anything eventhe slightest bit more inconvenient will lose out compared to ‘why don’t wejust borrow the garden hose and hit them with it?’

The torture devices of the past were nothigh tech, even for the times they were created. (Take a look at a rack, thentake a look at the types of ships Europeans were using at the same time forlong distance navigation). Using the vast majority of them boils down toturning a screw.

There’s also the question of the effort,time and money¸ that goes into creating high tech devices.

How big would the group of people behind that one droid have to be? You’dneed designers, mechanics and a way totest it just to get a prototype. The first attempt would probably go wrong,because it’s a complicated, high tech piece of equipment. All of the peopleinvolved in it’s creation need to be paid, housed and have access to thecorrect materials for the decades it would take to get one working model. Thenyou’d need to source materials in bulk, you’d need to assemble them correctlyand you’d need to persuade people that this thing is better than just using a bucket of water. That’s worth the moneybeing asked for it.

The only high tech torturedevice that’s really taken off is the Taser. According to Rejali it took about8 attempts and a lot of time andmoney on someone’s part to get it off the ground. It was initially rejected bypolice departments as too difficult to use and too easy to break.

It’s not that police departments weren’tusing electrical torture, they just found that hand cranked magnetos, carbatteries and cow prods were a lot easier to use. Because they’re less complicated.

So no- I don’t think thatcharacter’s perception of what tech is ‘normal’ factors into what gets used intorture at all. Becausewhat we see in real life is that everyday technology doesn’t tend to get used in torture. It’s more effort for thetorturer, it’s more difficult to use, it’s more likely to break and in somecases probably more likely to get the torturer caught.

That last point may not be a factor in all stories but the rest of thosepoints definitely are.

There’s a difference between showing an evil organisation building abigger, ‘better’ bomb and showing them using high tech torture. In the formerthey’re investing in killing people more efficiently; they know they might notget the result they want first time but they also know it will eventually be ‘worth’the money. In the latter example they’re pouring money into a project that won’t‘work’ any better and (from their view more importantly) that their torturerswon’t want to use.

So yes it’s about realism but beyond that it’s what unrealistic tropesmean in these stories.

I run this blog because I want to change the narrative: because I wantto live in a world where pop culture doesn’tencourage or glorify torture.

And if you want to kill an idea you need to go for the joints.

Torture isn’t sophisticated.It isn’t complicated. And most importantly it not only fails, it cannot be improved. Brutality doesn’tbecome more acceptable just because it’s delivered via a shiny new package, itdoesn’t become less harmful just because the damage is hard to see.

I know some of the things I talk about probably seem odd or harmless toa lot of readers but this is about…tracking what those ideas prop up.

I hope that answers your question. :)

Edit: So there’s a counter argument in the comments which I’m going to respond to very briefly.

1) Torture ‘for’ information does not work.(See O’Mara and Rejali)

2) Scaring people you’re trying to interrogate has been shown to be a less effective strategy. (See E and L Alison)

3) Torturers are self selecting. (See Rejali)

4) Lie detectors do not work. (See O’Mara)

5) All the Star Wars movies I’ve reviewed so far have actually handled torture pretty well. The bad guys assume it ‘works’ sure, but the first three movies show torture failing consistently and they show it failing in realistic ways.

Disclaimer

[randomthoughtsgonewild]

I'm back...

Hello.

I don’t really know how to start this if I’m honest.

It’s been a long while (yeah no shit dumb dumb *facepalms*) and well, things have happened. Some of big degree and some of little importance.

Current status?

I’m feeling shit.

Yes, you may leave. This will not be clean. But when I made this blog and when I titled the description, I meant what I said.

If you no like; bye bye stranger.

If you do but you ain’t into this type of honesty. See you later, mater.

…

So, where to begin…uh, I don’t have the best memory so I believe I shall start around Christmas time 2016.

Life was going semi-okay; school and personal problems were hassling but durable. But during that time I lost two of my mates; one of which I’m closer than the other. It was a whole group thing – we all decided to cast them away because of something they did (I would say what but due to its authenticity and specificity; I can’t take the risk of someone I know recognising it because frankly I’d rather have no-one I know in real life, knowing I am the owner of this blog— not because I’m ashamed; more so of the fact I am a very private person. Which is quite ironic considering I am quite open about everything and everyone— other than myself. But I digress.)

— and so my group casted them away and they were gone throughout the last term before Christmas break; it was hard because I lost my closest mate and my really good friend. But that was resolved quickly after the term and we’re all okay.

See? That wasn’t too bad aha.

Well, we haven’t got to 2017 yet and that’s when things start to go downhill…

So it’s the beginning of the new year and I guess you could say I was hoping for a much better year than 2K16. But when has Lady Luck EVER been on my side? Never. So, like the cow Lady Luck is; it brought me a ton of obstacles and hoops to jump through. To which I failed tremendously.

(I also forgot to add; Been alive for half a century, divided by 2 and subtracted by 10. Yay.)

In January; school had picked up and like the Army Officer it is, really started to tire me out. I was struggling with the work and the homework. It was a mess. It sounds fairly simple and in fact; I imagine many of you to be quite unimpressed by me because “kid, you don’t even know what tiredness is *rolls eyes*” — and you’re probably right, I do not. But you probably don’t know what it feels like to have to be up to the brim in GCSE coursework as well as revision because students love tests! (Wait–wait, maybe you do actually, okay well I had some mental stuff going on too so that counts?)

But again, I am straying off de topic. So anyways, Jan. Tiring. Made me very stressed. Stress is not good. Lotta spots for me, brother. I hate acne. Especially stressed-related ones. But. I. Digress. Again.

Which brings me to February; aww Feb. Poor, sweet, juvenile Feb. Always been a month that tends to fly by so quickly and probs the most boring – seriously though, what actually happens in Feb that is interesting? Nothing. That’s it. But, for me Feb; well Feb was an eye opener for sure. I’m not the type of person to beat around the bush for one thing so I’ll be out with it – quick'n'easy like a bandage.

I discovered two things; My mental state was way beyond fucked. Two? I’m not as strong as I thought I was.

And for me to have discovered this, well it was certainly big. You see my family is not the type of family to ask if ones okay and find the solution; we are more of the ‘ask if you’re okay but if you say anything out of the norm then forget it’ — we always have been. Well, at least I think we have. I’m not really close with my family, but I blame that on the stuff going up in my cranium.

So anyways, my head = not in a good state then (or now). Explanation? I don’t know.

In fact, I think it hasn’t been in a 'good state’ for a while. Possibly ever since the summer of '16 (and maybe before…?) which would mean whatever I’ve been manifesting is suddenly making itself known and to be honest the manifestation is quite large. I don’t know what I have to be frank; I don’t know if it’s depression or if it’s something else, in all honesty I feel kind of stupid for just assuming it’s 'depression’. I feel like that nowadays that word is tossed around so much it just feels stupid to say “I’m depressed” with anyone actually taking you seriously. Plus, I never thought I could be depressed or even in such a state of mind.

Which lead me to my epiphanic of uncovering the truth of my mental strength.

It isn’t that strong.

You see, I always thought for a long time in my life that I’m the type of person who doesn’t breakdown, who knows how to build themselves back up again if the going gets tough; the type of human who will never let themselves fall so far down the well of “depression” because I’m just not like that. Full stop.

But I realised in the second month of the year, that I’m none of that; I’m just extremely good at ACTING like I am. Like I am strong, like I can’t breakdown, like I can’t be “depressed”. I realised that I’m so used to being in this mind state that my head has adapted to feeling like this and since I have a slight fear of being mentally unwell; it simply taught me how to ACT like everything’s okay. When in fact…

Everything really isn’t fucking okay.

Now I could type here for ages and ages about my stresses, my worries, my problems etc etc but that would make this so long that it would be the equivalent of 3 Harry Potter books…aaaand since I’m not JKR and I don’t have that type of time; I’ll just summarise, summarise, summarise!

Here we go; so after my big discovery in Feb, it lead to all sorts of things — I started to become more aggressive and more sad; which led to more acting because even if I knew I had a mental health problem it still didn’t mean I wanted to get help or – god forbid ACTUALLY talk about it! So I started to distract myself; distractions, distractions, distractions = my best friend. The more I distracted myself, the more I (believed) had less time to dwell on my (rapidly becoming real) mental health illness. So I took up having some cigarettes from time to time because it made me feel calm and yes I know of the dangers but pocketing a couple of my dads cigarettes wasn’t going to kill me okay? Plus, I always told myself (still do now) to never buy my own pack because that for me would lead to an addiction. Amongst that; I did other things like lash out, do drugs (I DID THIS ONCE BTW) and just things that really weren’t good for me.

So with me doing all this and believing it would prolong my mental health illness awakening; I didn’t realise that instead of PROLONGING my MHI, I just kept feeding it. With all the things I did, they lead to consequences; every time I would smoke, I would feel bad– horrid even, the fear of becoming addicted lead to me feeling shameful (more for the MHI monster to eat), every time I would steal my dad’s wine bottle and drink it for myself, I would feel disappointed that I would stoop so low and thus gave the monster an even bigger meal and every time I tested my parents patience or acted kinda rude to my mates; it fed my monster STRESS because I would stress about what their reactions would be and ugh it was not good.

But here I am typing as if I overcame it all and everything is well again; for your information mi amiga; it ain’t. In fact I still am going through all this and frankly I’m tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. But knowing me and my coping methods; my brilliant acting skills will be back at it again for the next couple of months until I guess I break or something.

This whole text post sounds weird tbh; I don’t like how I’ve written it but it’s honest. And I have more to talk about as well but there just isn’t enough time in the day (or so I say) and besides; it gives me a good reason to post sooner.

However, regardless of all the bad; I have dipped a finger back into my pool of story writing and it’s been a good thing for me to say the least. Another distraction tbh but better than wallowing in my head and assuming the worst.

So yeah, that’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I would say more but the effort is too unreal. So this shall be a goodbye and goodnight.

- A