#haven't written such a long text in english for months

[thatfeelinwhenyou]

KINDRED — 33

It’s your final year of highschool, and your only goal is to graduate top of your cohort, as usual. Except as student council president, your advisor can’t seem to leave you alone. What happens when you take Decelis Academy’s top student, their star athlete and put them in front of a camera?

smau + written (5.1k words 💀)

❥･• episode 33 — the bane of my existence

The ceiling of your room is adorned with handwritten notes of keywords you were supposed to memorise for your mid-terms. The notes are large enough for you to easily read them, especially as you lie flat on your back on the bed, as you are now. Throughout the term, you had gradually covered the ceiling with these notes, dedicating the last two weeks before the exam to repeating them over and over again in your head as you drifted off to sleep.

Despite the exams being over, you have yet to take them down to be replaced by new notes you’d be curating for the new term. With nothing but time, you find yourself spending hours staring at the section dedicated to your English Literature notes, wondering why you never noticed it. You can't help but reflect on the 30 minutes before bed that you could have spent memorising the highlighted words. Perhaps then, you wouldn't have fumbled so hard in the vocabulary section, and you wouldn't be in your current predicament—separated from your friends, from Jungwon, forced to skip your own farewell party, and school itself.

You never expected your mother to willingly let you stay home, especially during your final semester at Decelis Academy. You thought she'd prefer you practically living in school. On what grounds did she choose to ground you? Because you ended up second on the scoreboard? That’s bullshit.

As a matter of fact, it seems counterintuitive for her to keep you at home for self-study as a disciplinary action. The situation is baffling to you—as a senior in high school with less than three months left until finals, it doesn't make sense that you're wasting time at home instead of being in school.

In truth, your mother is perplexed, even a bit terrified. But what exactly is she terrified of?

Change, that’s what.

Changes that manifested after Jungwon came into your life. How, instead of returning home late from the library after a long revision session, you now return late after spending the entire day with him. He’s a constant presence; waiting at your gateway, observing as you consciously stroll down the gravel to your doorstep, turning back to thank him for walking you home and bidding him goodbye.

Moreover, you divert your attention from your own studies, putting in extra effort to tutor him so he could compete in his upcoming competition. Instead of sharing the events of your day with your mother, you find yourself engrossed in texting him at the dinner table—something you’ve never dared to do before. She would nag at you over the smallest details, and you no longer quietly listen even if you are in the right, but rather engage by talking back, defending, or justifying yourself.

As a consequence, you've shifted from being at the top of the pyramid to now occupying the second position, trailing behind a library secretary. Yet, it seems like these changes haven't affected you in the slightest.

It feels as though you are finally managing to form your own opinions and make your own decisions. It's as if you no longer need her.

These changes, this departure from the routine she had come to expect, terrifies your mother. The fear of losing the daughter she thought she knew, the fear of a new chapter that doesn’t align with the plans she had envisioned, leaves her bewildered and uneasy.

When she looks at you, she sees a reflection of herself from years ago when she was a student. She recalls the time she met your father, fell in love, and sacrificed her dreams to follow his path and have you, only for him to later abandon both of you to pursue his own endeavours.

So, the mere thought of you, broken and lonely after what she assumes will be Jungwon eventually leaving you, intensifies her hatred for him. The déjà vu becomes too real, and she firmly believes she's doing what's best for you, even if you end up resenting her for it.

At some point, you started living your life for your mother rather than yourself, and you're aware of this subconsciously—the paradox of being both the subject and object in her pursuit of validation. Even then, it’s hard to let go of everything you once believed in altogether.

No, rather, you want to believe it's true. You want to believe your mother is right, and the status quo she has set for you is genuinely for the best:

Your goal is to enter an elite local university.

You aspire to be a doctor.

Mother is not controlling.

You don't need a man to validate your worth.

Which seem rather ironic as you contemplate how, essentially, you are a pawn in your mother’s subconscious quest to prove your father wrong about her. Her motives, however well-intentioned, have inadvertently moulded your path.

It's a narrative in which she’s determined to show that even in his absence, your mother is fully capable of nurturing a child, specifically her child. The belief embedded in her actions is that one day, you will emerge successful, surpassing what she might have achieved had she chosen to pursue her own dreams back then. This belief, however, unravels into a conundrum because, if your mother could turn back time and choose a different path, you wouldn’t be here.

As these thoughts weigh heavily on your mind, you find yourself truly overthinking it. You sit up on the bed, your body leaning against the frame, and your surroundings seem to echo with the gravity of your contemplation.

It's barely past 10 in the morning, and you can't help but wonder about the mundane yet comforting routines of your friends. Beomgyu is probably relieved that Chemistry is over, recalling him perpetually complaining about having the subject for their first period. Chanelle and Yunjin are likely engaged in their usual ritual of placing bets on the lunch menu. Gyuvin is probably sleeping again, and Riki is likely disturbing some poor kid by launching staple bullets from the back of the room.

And then there's Jungwon, perhaps experiencing a quiet sense of relief at your absence, no longer subjected to reminders to pay attention or being shaken awake just as he teeters on the edge of drifting off into dreamland. The vivid details of their potential activities form a contrast to the complex musings clouding your thoughts.

The room, once a sanctuary, now bears the weight of aching tensions. With a sigh, you rise from your bed, a restless energy propelling you forward. Just then, you hear a slight knock against your window.

Wait, your room is on the second floor; what could be banging against it?

Tok. There it is again. The sound echoes throughout your room. You approach the window ledge with apprehension, visibly flinching as a small rock flies towards you, knocking against the glass that separates you from the tiny projectile.

Determined to catch who is disturbing your peace on this calm Friday morning, you march up to your window frame, planning to give whoever it is a piece of your mind. Your gaze follows the direction from where the stone came, and to your surprise, you see Jungwon excitedly waving towards you from behind the giant tree in your front yard.

As you open the window, the sounds and sights of the outside world flood in. The pre-winter morning sun casts a warm glow on the scene, highlighting the details of the landscape outside. The gentle rustle of leaves, distant chirping of birds, and the distant hum of the town come together in a natural symphony of morning sounds. The tranquil scene outside your room stands in opposition to the turmoil within, amplifying the surreal nature of the moment. It's really him.

"Hey! Sorry for the wake-up call. Come on down; I wanna bring you somewhere.” Jungwon’s voice rises above the ambient noise.

“What are you doing here?! Aren’t you supposed to be in school right now?” You attempt to raise your voice just enough, afraid that your mother would overhear.

“I was, until I realised how boring it is without you nagging at me every five seconds. So, I thought I'd bring a little adventure to your day.” The spontaneity of the gesture catches you off guard, momentarily eclipsing the complexities of your internal monologues.

Being deprived of any form of human interaction left you craving, and for a second, you almost accept his proposal without thinking.

“I can’t leave, Won. I’m grounded; my mom is going to kill me if she finds out.”

"Then we'll make sure she doesn't. You'll be back before you even know it, Y/N." The idea is tempting, yes, but you are also unsure if you are ready to face the consequences if, for some reason, things do not go the way you want them to (as always).

"I skipped class for this. I think it shows how much I really miss spending time with you, Y/N."

"As if you never skipped class before we started filming for the documentary." Jungwon sheepishly smiles and subconsciously rubs the back of his neck. The memories of those carefree days filming the documentary flood back, adding a nostalgic touch to the present moment.

You were about to decline for the second time when he skilfully pulls out those cat eyes that you dearly admired. Those captivating eyes that Jungwon knows you can never say "no" to. It's the only efficient method he remembers using to convince you to watch a movie with him everytime he wanted to get out of your long study sessions.

And he's right; those cat eyes works like a damn charm. Because you are now desperately climbing out your window, clinging for dear life against the rusty pipes. As you navigate the unconventional escape route, Jungwon tries hard to suppress his laughter, not wanting to discourage you.

As your feet touch the ground, you become acutely aware of the brisk chill in the air, a stark contrast to the period spent locked up in your makeshift jail cell. Only when you stand before the boy do you fully realise how cold the weather has gotten since the last time you saw him. And unlike Jungwon, who is covered from head to toe, you find yourself in just trousers and an oversized t-shirt.

Promptly, he detects the tiny hairs on your arms standing, and without a moment's hesitation, Jungwon removes his padded jacket, swirling it around your shoulders, instantly enveloping you in warmth.

But It's not just the jacket; it's the proximity of Jungwon that warms you up, his closeness palpable as he adjusts the padding to sit perfectly on the blades of your shoulders. You can practically feel his breath on your neck as he fusses with the collar.

As he fidgets with the article of clothing, Jungwon's actions appear purposeful, yet in reality, he is merely using it as an excuse to draw even closer to you. But he’s not the only one taking advantage of the moment, though, as you seize the opportunity to embrace him. Your arms winding around his waist beneath his uniform blazer and you softly whisper a grateful "Thank you," eliciting a subtle shiver that courses down his spine.

"For what? I’m only lending it to you, you already have a few of my hoodies stocked up. Which reminds me, when are you returning them?" You pinch his sides playfully, and he flinches, the playful exchange bringing the two of you even closer. As if there were any more space between you in the first place.

“I’ll return them back to you, soon. But that’s not what I was referring to.”

“Then, you’re grateful for… making you climb down some rusty-ass pipes?”

"No, you idiot. Thank you for coming to see me. I missed you, really, more than you think. You have no idea how close I was to just running over to you.” The emotions from having the opportunities to spend time with the boy ripped away from you must have been stronger than you thought for those words to come out of you like that. Jungwon senses this, and you feel him tighten around the frame of your body.

"Then, it’s a good thing that I ran over here first.”Jungwon gently pushes you away with a heavy heart. Moving away the few strands of hair stuck onto your cheeks that are turning a shade of rosy pink, most likely from the cold (or not).

The pace picks up again as he locates the palm of your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours,“Let's get out of here before your mom finds us." Luckily for the two of you, you manage to get away with your secret rendezvous, at least for now, and you can only pray that it stays this way.

The world beyond your little bubble beckons, but in this moment, the connection between you and Jungwon feels like the only reality that matters.

Time with Jungwon feels like a pocket universe where seconds slip away unnoticed. Before you know it, the sun slowly begins to dip beyond the horizon, ushering in the cool embrace of the evening air and casting a gentle twilight glow upon the buildings.

The Friday night air is crisp, and the streets come alive with the vibrant energy of the neighbourhood transitioning into its nocturnal rhythm. Jungwon confidently navigates through hidden shortcuts and familiar alleys, the lively sounds of people and distant music replacing the lingering heaviness from your room.

As you walk leisurely through the dimly lit streets, Jungwon animatedly shares anecdotes, laughter, and stories of incidents that unfolded in school during your absence. The glow of street lamps casts a warm ambiance, highlighting the joy in his eyes as he recounts the tales. You are not only relieved to hear that your friends are working hard, but also reassured that the council is thriving under Gunwook's leadership—a responsibility you earnestly insisted on passing down to him.

Eventually, you find yourselves at a serene bench overlooking the river. In the distance, you spot couples on little boats doing whatever couples do on little boats. The two of you sit in a contemplative silence, not awkward, but a kind of loud silence filled with unspoken words—where there is so much to say, but neither of you knows where to start.

Breaking the quietude, Jungwon eagerly rummages through his bag. Curious, you sneak a peek, and a soft giggle escapes your lips at the unconventional contents within. Instead of the expected textbooks, you see a stash of your favourite gummies and an abundance of pencils, which explains why he always has spares on hand whenever you ask for one.

You also spot your fall gloves that you had momentarily forgotten about until now. You recall leaving them with him when it got too uncomfortable for you to wear, and the memory of him playfully nagging you to put them back on, complete with a cute pout when you refused, brings a fond smile to your face.

It’s a touching realisation when you see these tangible tokens. It’s as if little bits and pieces of you and your habits are slowly finding a place in Jungwon’s life. His world, once dominated by Taekwondo, effortlessly accommodates you and the fragments of your existence, just as he seamlessly wove himself into the fabric of your life, which was once burdened with the heavy expectations of achieving stellar grades.

“People might think this is my bag that you’re carrying,” you remark, your tone playful.

"With the amount of things that are yours in here, it might as well be," Jungwon replies, laughter dancing in his warm gaze. He pulls out a hot pack, rubs it between his hands, and extends it to you—another subtle gesture that unleashes an entire zoo inside your stomach. The gentle warmth of the hot pack mirrors the blossoming warmth within as you mumble a quiet “Thank you”.

"Can't believe we'll be graduating soon; it still hasn't hit me just yet," Jungwon says, his voice carrying a tinge of absentminded reflection.

"Believe it or not, sooner or later, reality will come crashing down on you like a meteorite," you jest, attempting to lighten the sudden solemnity of the mood that has settled between you.

"Yeah, then you'll be off to a great local uni, and I'll probably get into the youth Olympics team. Who knows when our paths will cross again?" You turn to look at him, finding his gaze locked onto the calm waters of the river, though you suspect his mind must be anything but calm, straying far from the placid surface of the water.

"I thought we agreed to remain close even after the documentary? You're speaking as if we'll never see each other again," you remark, shuffling closer to him on the bench. The fluttering of your heart intensifies as the skin of your arms comes into contact with his. The connection between you, both physical and emotional, echoes the desire to linger in each other's presence despite the uncertain paths that lie ahead.

"At first, it really was a nightmare having to be around you everywhere," he confesses, leaning forward, his fingers lightly gripping the edge of the bench as he reflects. A tiny pout forms on his thinking face, and you can't help but coo at the endearing sight—a habit you discovered and cherished as you got to know him.

"I don't know if I should be finding that offensive or not," you retort and Jungwon laughs lowly, the husky tone of his voice sending subtle shivers down the back of your neck. "That's why I used 'at first,' idiot."

"But now, I guess it's not that bad to have you around sometimes," he shrugs, attempting to play it cool while ignoring the fact that his heart is pounding relentlessly against his chest.

"Only 'not that bad'? I'm disappointed," you tease, a mischievous sparkle in your eye.

The night envelops both of you in a quiet embrace, the air thick with unexpressed emotions. Jungwon's eyes, once fixed on the distant river, now meet yours. Only this time, there's a vulnerability in his gaze, a silent admission of something more complicated.

"You know," he begins, his voice softer now, carrying a weight of sincerity, "it took me a while to figure out why your presence felt like a storm at first—chaotic and unpredictable. But now, I realise it's more like the calm after the storm. The kind that leaves everything refreshed and new."

Your heart skips a beat at his words, the gravity of his confession sinking in. The atmosphere seems to hold its breath, each passing moment brimming with anticipation as you almost impatiently wait for him to phrase his next words, watching the thoughts flicker across his face as he carefully composed the sentiments in his mind.

"I never expected you to become this important to me," Jungwon continues, his eyes reflecting a mixture of emotions. "But now, imagining my life without you feels like trying to picture a world without sunlight. It's just not the same."

A warm breeze rustles the leaves above, and if there were some stranger watching you right now, you probably wouldn’t even have noticed as you slowly tuned the world around you out. On the contrary, you're acutely aware of the shared space between you on the bench, the closeness that has become second nature.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is... I like having you around. A lot more than 'not that bad,'" he confesses, a shy smile playing on his lips.

Your heart swells with a rush of emotions, and you sense the urgency to respond. "Jungwon, I—" But before you can complete your response, his fingers gently find their way to yours, intertwining them in a silent gesture, as if he's saying you don't owe him anything.

But no, you do owe him everything. You owe him for coming into your mundane excuse of a life and allowing you to realise that sometimes, breaking away from routine is the first step towards discovering your own narrative.

Thus, a smile mirrors his on your face as you say, “I can’t let you say all the cool things yourself. I wanna be cool too.” Jungwon scoffs and you feel his grip on your hand tighten.

"Go on, I'd like to see you try," he challenges, a subtle glint of encouragement in his gaze, knowing you're not one to shy away.

Taking in a deep breath, you confidently look into his eyes as you say what has been on your mind. “Thank you for changing my life, and I don’t ever want to lose you, Yang Jungwon.”

As the echoes of your confession linger in the night air, both of you become aware of the tangible shift in the atmosphere—something profound has unfolded between you. The moonlight paints a soft glow on Jungwon's face, emphasising the earnestness in his eyes, as they remain locked onto yours. The touch of his fingers on yours warms up your skin, a comforting sensation that surpasses any heat pack he could ever give you.

“Okay maybe that wasn’t very cool after all… I just never thought a simple change in routine could lead to all this." You muse, your voice carrying a mixture of awe and gratitude.

"Life has a funny way of surprising us, doesn't it?" Jungwon responds with a playful twinkle in his eyes.

You nod, smiling genuinely. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."

As you sit on the bench, hands still entwined, there's a gentle pause—a moment suspended in time, as if the universe itself is waiting. The world around you, once ordinary, now feels touched by a magical essence, and the stars above seem to glitter with the promise of a future written in a language only both of you understand.

Jungwon leans in, and you can feel the beating of his heart aligning with yours, the soft warmth of his breath as he closes the gap between you. The scent of the night air, infused with a hint of his cologne, adds to the sensory symphony. His lips meet yours in a tender, unhurried motion. It’s a kiss that carries the weight of the world’s expectations on the both of you, only for it to melt away as he smiles against your lips.

Time seems to stand still as you savour the softness of the moment, the warmth of his touch resonating through every fibre of your being. As you sit there, wrapped in the warmth of his lips on yours, the world feels limitless, and the journey ahead, uncertain but exciting. And as you break apart, breathless but filled with an exhilarating warmth, that’s when you realise you have finally come to terms with and chosen to accept your emotions that are now clear to you that it is not borne alone—Yang Jungwon, who was once the bane of your existence, is now the centre of it.

tw! depiction of violence

You smile to yourself as the sweet memory of that magical first kiss plays in your mind like a cherished melody. Your hands remain interlocked with that of Jungwon’s as you walk through the same alley that you came from. The difference being the absence of the vibrant lights of the night market, which had already faded by now, leaving only the soft glow of the moon and the distant street lamps that barely bleed into the alley to guide your way. Yet, you feel safe and protected when you sense Jungwon’s presence beside you.

As you turn a corner, the alley widens, revealing a quieter stretch with fewer distractions. However, just as you start to relax, a familiar voice cuts through the tranquillity.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Y/N. Didn't think we'd run into you two lovebirds tonight. How cute.” Hana's voice, laced with envy, echoes through the alley. She steps into view, flanked by her two loyal lackeys who wear matching smirks.

However, they were not alone as you spot a few familiar faces perched up against the brick wall—they were the same group of boys known to wreak havoc among the underclassmen. You know this having seen their faces in detention multiple times when you were supervising.

You didn’t expect Hana to be hanging around them, it’s like trouble mixing around with even more trouble, a recipe for disaster.

In the dimly lit alley, tension hangs thick in the air as Hana and her lackeys close in, their predatory grins revealing a hunger for confrontation. Jungwon instinctively tightens his grip on your hand, pulling you behind him as he stands his ground, a subtle signal that he's prepared for whatever comes next.

Hana takes a step forward, her voice dripping with malice. “It’s unfortunate really. You skipped a whole week of school; I thought I finally managed to get rid of you, but alas.” Her lackeys snicker, emboldened by their leader's confidence.

You square your shoulders, determined not to let Hana's provocation rattle you. “What’s your problem, Hana?”

Hana's eyes narrow, her jealousy fuelling the fire. "My problem? It's you, Y/N. Always meddling where you don't belong."

In disbelief, you step out of Jungwon’s shadow. “You know what, fuck you. I don’t even remember ever offending you. I also had a really shitty week, and I don’t need you making it worse than it already is, so please just get the fuck out of my face.” The words fly out of your mouth before you can even comprehend, and Jungwon seems to be equally shocked, hearing you curse for the first time. The shock quickly turns into admiration as he smirks at your bold proclamation.

"We're not looking for trouble, Hana. Just let us pass," Jungwon says cautiously, not wanting to provoke Hana any further, but it only seems to rile her up even more.

Hana's frustration mounts, and she takes a step closer to you, invading your personal space. "You think you're so special, Y/N? Jungwon can do so much better than someone like you." The words sting, but you refuse to let her get under your skin. Before you can respond, one of her lackeys makes a move, attempting to grab your arm. Instinctively, Jungwon steps between you and the aggressor, blocking the advance.

Despite their attempts to provoke a reaction, Jungwon remains composed, his experience evidently shining through. The underclassmen, however, aren't as restrained. One of them lunges at Jungwon, but he swiftly sidesteps the attack, using his fast reflexes to evade without retaliating.

However, the group, instigated by their leader's resentment, launch a coordinated attack. One of them goes straight for Jungwon, aiming for his lower abdomen. Despite his fast reflexes, the underclassman manages to land a blow, catching Jungwon off guard.

A sharp pain courses through Jungwon's side as he winces, the surprise attack taking its toll. He stumbles backward, trying to maintain his composure. The underclassmen, emboldened by their success, taunts him. "Looks like your taekwondo skills don't mean much in a real fight, huh?"

You, torn between defending Jungwon and avoiding further escalation, plead with Hana. "This is unnecessary, Hana! We don't want to fight!"

Hana, however, revels in the chaos she's created. This is her way of saying that if she can’t have Jungwon, nobody can—much less lose him to the likes of you.

"You should have thought about that before getting involved with Jungwon." In truth, she never truly liked Jungwon. Just his reputation and the attention she’d get if she managed to crack the academy’s most mysterious boy. Enraged, Hana signals them to continue, escalating the confrontation.

Jungwon, though injured, refuses to retaliate recklessly; something about physical fighting one against a whole group of well-fit boys with a sport designed for self-defense doesn’t seem very smart. Instead, he focuses on defending their attacks, hands wrapped tightly over his head, as he lay cradled on the ground. His determination remains unwavering, but the odds are stacked against him.

The underclassmen, seemingly relentless, taunt Jungwon with malicious glee. "Thought you were tough, huh? Looks like you're nothing even with your precious taekwondo skills."

He shouts for you to run (as if you were about to leave him behind) but you’re forced onto your knees and held in place by her two lackeys. As the scuffle intensifies, the alley echoes with grunts and the shuffle of feet.

The chaos attracts attention, and the distant wail of approaching police sirens grows louder. The approaching alarm prompts Hana and her lackeys to scatter, disappearing into the shadows, leaving behind a battered, bruised and disoriented Jungwon.

As the police car arrives, its flashing lights casting an unsettling glow, you find yourself cradling Jungwon, who is visibly struggling.

“Please tell me you’re okay, Won.” Urgently, you call for an ambulance, realising the severity of his injuries when he could barely reply you.

The journey to the hospital is filled with a heavy silence, broken only by the wail of sirens. Jungwon, laid out on the gurney, appears vulnerable under the harsh hospital lights. His eyes meet yours, conveying gratitude and reassurance amidst the pain. As Jungwon is wheeled into a room for further evaluation, you can't help but reflect on the unexpected turn the night has taken—from stolen kisses to the harsh reality of a hospital emergency room, a scenario straight out of a drama.

The hospital transforms into a surreal space where time seems to both stretch and contract, leaving you suspended in uncertainty. Every passing minute feels like an eternity as you anxiously await any updates on Jungwon's condition.

Your friends, Jungwon’s family, and even his coach start to arrive, having informed them about his condition through Jungwon’s phone that you somehow remembered the passcode to from the last time he told you. The reunion with your friends, especially Chanelle, who runs up to engulf you in a hug, brings a fleeting moment of joy. However, the thought of Jungwon lingers, casting a shadow over the otherwise happy encounter.

Finally, a doctor emerges with updates. Jungwon's injuries are serious, though not life-threatening, requires thorough treatment and a period of recovery. Hearing the news, relief washes over you knowing he will receive the care and medicine he needs. However, your relief is short-lived as the reminder of his upcoming competition the following Saturday floods you with renewed stress.

How can he possibly compete in his current condition? The thought of him being covered in bruises, or worse, questioning if he can even participate at all, weighs heavily on your mind.

The national team coach is going to be there, and Jungwon's entire future hinges on him performing well in that godforsaken competition he worked so hard to compete in.

The unfairness of the situation becomes glaringly evident, casting a shadow over the initial relief. The stress that momentarily lifted now returns with even greater intensity, leaving you grappling with the looming uncertainty of Jungwon's athletic future, and maybe even your own.

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♡。·˚˚· ·˚˚·。♡

authors note: feels like i just wrote a kdrama… as usual i cba to proofread so i apologise yall 🥲

perm taglist. @hajimelvr @s00buwu @urmomssneakylink @grayscorner @bubblytaetae @mrchweeee @artstaeh @sleeping-demons @yuviqik @junsflow @blurryriki @bobabunhee

taglist open! @uuzhanggggggg @jayhoonvroom @en-flirt @missingemobeomgyu @jiawji @ocyeanicc @s7noo @asterizee @nwjws @noascats @yunwonie @saturnmooonxx @enhaz1 @jiaant11 @clairecottenheart @i2lain @miumiuoi @zhounauts @hoey2k @neocockthotology @nanuer @yenqa @ahnneyong @chanhee-hee @yanqiiuver @yujmelon @beomsbeanie @sloobydooburmomjungwon @keiisu @jaeyunniesimp @jiamini @jihanniee @lilriswife4life @i-yeseo

*white = cannot tag

[starlostt5]

Jeans

pairing: spencer reid x f!reader

summary: you have a breakdown over finding new jeans

a/n: hello! my first fic on this acc I have a marvel acc that I have neglected so I'm starting fresh! This is for the girlies with killer thighs who I assume have had the same problem as me finding the jeans that fit properly!!!!

warnings: probably mistakes English isn't my first language and also I haven't written anything for months so I'm rusty

___________________________________________

"Fuck!"

Spencer pokes his head from the bathroom at your profanity, checking to see if everything is okay.

"Sweetheart, you okay?"

You look at your boyfriend and he can tell something is wrong, not because he's a profiler but because there's tears threatening to spill.

"These are the fourth jeans this month alone."

The jeans you've just now ripped were the last ones you've had, which only could mean one thing. Jean shopping was necessary.

"Baby, that's okay I'll take you to get new ones. It's okay."

Spencer knows he said something wrong when you give him the look - annoyance and frustration in your eyes.

"You just don't get it."

Maybe you sound dramatic, and yeah, you know he wants to help, but that wasn't what you wanted to hear so you dramatically flop on the bed and sigh.

"Okay, tell me what can I do for you?" You groan into your pillow.

"Nothing Spence, let's just go get new jeans."

Spencer texts Emily that there has been an emergency and he won't be able to come to work today, which you tried to stop him from doing because this could wait - apparently not.

"Let's go." Spencer grabs your hand and leads you out.

Spencer severely miscalculated the amount of time it would take you to find jeans - you did tell him this is a process, but he didn't expect that after 3 hours you've gotten 0 jeans.

"I give up. This is hopeless. " You walk out of the fitting room trying so hard not to cry, but this always happens.

"They don't fit properly everywhere. They are either too tight on thighs or they are too wide on my hips or both, or they're too long or short, they have no pockets and if they do they are too small. Oh and get this, when you go to the plus-size store, they get more expensive. Why?I can't even order anything online because the sizes are different everywhere and I-" Spencer pulls you into his chest and caresses your back, drawing circles trying to calm you down.

He never thought about this because he's never had that issue and now it makes sense you've been upset this morning. Now he was even upset at himself for not understanding earlier.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry I didn't understand. Tell you what, let's take a break for ice cream or whatever you want."

Sometimes, you don't believe Spencer is real and even better he's yours.

"Okay sounds good."

While taking a break, Spencer has been thinking about you and how stressful this is for you both physically and mentally.

"What you thinking about so hard, Doc." Spencer chuckles at your pet name for him, you love Back to The Future and Spencer, well he has some issues with how time travel was done, but he likes the pet name anyways.

"I'm thinking how to fix this. Why are jeans so hard to find? That's not fair."

"Spence, you can't just fix the system. This is just how it is. Besides, this wasn't so bad you were there."

Spencer frowns. How many times have you gone on a hunt for jeans without him, if this was "not so bad" how does it look when he's not here.

"Baby, that doesn't help. Is there anything I can do for you?" Spencer asks, holding your hand.

"Uh, you're the fbi call every single company that makes jeans and tell them to make better jeans." you joke, but Spencer gets an idea.

"You know what you're right."

You look at him quizzically, trying to figure out what your genius is going to do.

"Don't worry about it let's go home we're done for today."

*some days later*

Spencer gets the notification that his package is almost home, and he's genuinely excited for you to get this gift. Unfortunately, he won't be there to open it with you, but he's sure you'll love it.

As if on cue his phone rings.

"Hey, Spence, something arrived in your name, I didn't know you ordered anything?" you look at the box in your hands trying to figure out what it is.

"Yeah, I forgot to tell you." you scoff, Spencer is literally unable to forget anything.

"Okay, I lied, that's a surprise for you, but promise not to open it before I'm able to face time you okay?" Spencer can feel your excitement and impatience from miles away, but after some sweet talking, you finally promise not to even take a peek.

"Loverboy, the surprise go well?" Derek asks, ruffling Spencers hair.

"I don't know yet. I am like 90% sure that she'll like my surprise but there's always a chance she doesn't so." Everyone rolls their eyes at his reply and continue talking about the case.

Finally, after getting to the hotel, Spencer showers and calls you, excited to have you see the surprise.

"Hi, honey." Spencer chuckles at seeing you with a box opener in your hand and box inches from you.

"I wasn't gonna open it."

"Sure you weren't. Go on, baby." You huff and open the box carefully, hoping there wasn't anything breakable. You might have shook it a couple of times but he didn't need to know that.

Your eyes open wide in surprise, you look at the box and then at Spencer and then again at the box.

You pull out the pair of jeans from the box and look at them.

"Try them on."

"Spence what is this?" you ask looking through the box counting 6 pairs of jeans with no tag or size on them.

"They're jeans for you! Remember how you said I'm the fbi and I should call everyone and tell them to make better jeans?" the disbelief on your face makes him smile.

"Well I didn't do exactly that. But... I did use some connections in the fbi. Anyways try them on"

Not knowing what else to do, you just do that.

"Spencer."

"These are perfect like they fit like they were made for me."

"It's because they were, and if some of them don't fit, let me know if I need to have a talk with the person to fix them."

You can't believe your boyfriend literally went out of his way and had someone make you a perfect pair of jeans.

"I... I don't know what to say. You're literally the best and no these are perfect. How?"

"Well, I had Garcia research some people and then I found them and then had Derek meet some of them to threaten them to do a good job and yeah."

He says that like it's the most normal thing to say, like he's listing groceries.

"I love you. Not because of the jeans just-"

"I know, I know, but try all of them on. Also, I personally wouldn't mind if you lost the shirt you know because it's gonna overshadow the jeans you know?"

"Spencer!"

[the end]

__________________________________________

hope you enjoyed.

likes comments and reblogs are appreciated <3

[casablancarossa]

Dream of me a little longer ... a taemin x reader scenarion

Help because I haven't been able to shake this scenario off my head and I'm resurrecting my tumblr to get this weight off me TT TT

Pairing: Taemin x female!Reader Genre: Fluff? maybe a little of Angst ? Warnings: None, just mild language. W.C: 6k+. I know it's long... Author's Note: Yes okay it's long, I promise its a nice lil moment. And I could not be bothered to split into two chapters. Some text is in blue.. it's implied it's spoken in Korean. Heavily written after watching Metamorph concert and listening to "I think Its Love"

☼ Sometime in the past... ☼

"Hey, Lee Taemin! Come on! We need to board the plane!"

A young woman called out, waving over a kid with plush cheeks and soft eyes and roughly tussled hair. Their hurried steps through the crowd of people made you turn your head, before looking up at your mom who was making sure you wouldn't get knocked down.

Fortunately the nimble boy, managed to avoid bumping into you but running straight to his brother with a cheeky grin, boasting about how agile he was to getting back to them but was questioning, where they were going. His mom sighed, looking her two boys, ruffling their hair stating they were going to surprise their dad who went off for a work trip.

Whilst the conversation went on, you felt your mom nudge your shoulder. "Hey y/n, look at that boys bag, he must be a senior to you!"

Sure enough, you followed her gaze and saw that this boy and you had the same backpack that had the school logo sewn into the shoulder strap, however judging from the wear and tear, the boy looked to be just a bit older than you. "Such a sweet girl, is she going to Kyunghee Elementary School too?", the boys mom asked.

Your mom stood there a little bit taken back, unsure how to form her words. She struggled with the language unlike you, and your dad was fluent, but had left minutes ago for the toilets. You could see that the other woman was also flustered, and quietly whispered to themselves trying to form an English sentence to re-communicate.

"Yes auntie! I go to school there too next month!!", you interjected, unaware your mom was flipping through her notebook looking for her practiced sentences.

"Oh! Your Korean is...very good! Ya, Taemin-ah, say hello, she goes to your school", the older woman chirped happily, encouraging her son to step forward and say hello to you and your mom.

You dad finally popped up beside you, breaking through the queue forming as he pecks your head and inquired what was happening. From what you bothered to listen to or tried to understand, you posited that the Lee family were on the same aisle as you and your parents and offered if you would like to swap seats so you could sit with the boys and play with them for the period of the flight and your parents did not seem to mind.

The younger of the two stepped forward, it was the boy with the school backpack.

"Hello, I'm Lee Taemin..."

"Oh, hello, I'm Y/N..."

☼ Sometime before May '08... ☼

You slumped back into your chair, twiddling your thumbs as you sat in front of the monitor screen. You were staring at the empty chatroom, unsure how to type your message. Sighing, you shift yourself in your seat staring down at the icon on the screen turning from grey to green. Danggit. Why is he online..., you thought to yourself.

TM: Oh I finally caught you online.

YN: Yeah... was just talking to my friends about homework..

TM: How is school?

YN: Did you hear? Boys from your year are saying that they know BoA eonnie through you.

TM: I haven't even spoken to her yet. All the sunbaes are busy...

A dry smile curled from the corner of your lips as you continue to type, passing conversations here and there. Despite having a conversation with him, you thought back to the years leading up to now.

~~~

Taemin rushed through the streets on his little bike, scarfed and bundled up, quickly waddling and knocking at your front door with much urgency. Your mom had answered the door for you, but you weren't too far behind, peeking around from behind, offering him a little wave. He quickly pestered you to get on your bike and take ride around the area with him, subtly implying he had good news to tell you before quickly bribing you with your favourite ice cream and salted egg snacks.

Hanging out with him was easy and it really didn't take much convincing on your part to drop anything and go out with him. If anything, his mom encouraged it as it was one of the rare times Taemin would be very sociable and free to express himself. Although the reason for why he had to drag you away from your studies, has yet to be explained, you carefully followed behind Taemin, who was acting fun and carefree, whenever he got excited about something. You watched him not even come to a full stop before he bounced off his bike, singing to himself.

During summer, you had spent nearly everyday with him, dancing in his living room while both of your moms were busy with their quarterly kimchi-making marathon in the other room. Sometimes, you would sing too and he would sit at the floor, staring up at you happily, excited that he was part of the rare few who could hear you sing so passionately. Taemin was more of a dancer and he was good at it despite not having any professional lessons. You could tell he was going to be great one day. Even then you could see, you were just a passing star around his sun.

It wasn't until the music room had been fully finished in your school, that following fall, that you would catch Taemin very late in the evenings, practicing piano, claiming that he would need a musical skill and he wasn't sure that his dancing or singing would get him there. When his mom brought home a keyboard, he would endlessly harass you to watch him play a new piece he had learnt and asked your opinions, if it sounded too rushed or felt off-key.

Days would go on, where Taemin would play the piano for you and you would sing for him and it was your own little world with him before the realities of school would come knocking.

You shook your head, waking up from your little reminiscing daydream as Taemin bounced out with a bag full of goodies in his hand. The pair of you drove to the nearest playground, and he begins to recount of a story about him dancing with other people in front of a panel of judges before being interviewed and you only listened on, in wonderment, wondering internally what this meant for Taemin as he had be purposely vague. The young boy didn't fully elaborate on what happened but seemed to be excited for this new chance he might get. The surprisingly warm afternoon shifted to the familiar brisk winter evening, and before you knew it, you two decided to walk the bikes back to your home, throwing the vehicle on the yard before running to the window to let your mom know that you have arrived. Her head spun quickly smiling, standing to walk towards the window with an open box in hand, commenting that you and Taemin might as well be busy and start crafting, sliding the jewellery making kit box out the window. You and Taemin began to meticulously design bracelets for each other from the kit, sitting at the covered front porch, staring at the sky as the first snow was about to stick.

"Hey y/n, let's swap..."

"It's literally the same bracelet"

"Yeah, but this way, I made yours and you made mine. Think of it like a pinkie promise, to be friends forever, support each other through everything, be with each other until the end"

"Sounds stupid.. and serious, but I like it. Okay call."

~~~

That was almost 2? No, maybe 3 years ago now. It didn't take long before news spread around the school that Taemin had auditioned for SM Entertainment and managed to get in. Everyone teased him about how he might find a pretty noona to date there instead, or how he might get fame to his head and forget all about his friends in school. Taemin did get bullied here and there, but that came along with the fact he was about to be a star. He remained adamant he wouldn't forget anyone. He repeated the same sentiments towards you when you teased him about it and he huffed quietly, more hurt that you would also think he was capable of forgetting you.

Much to your surprise, he really didn't. Despite seeing of him less as he focused on training, you were the one person he constantly checked up on. If you weren't at home, he would ask your mom if he could leave a letter, usually left on a scratch paper and very hastily scribbled messages. He would have encouraged you to join the scary world of the internet because he found a new site where you can message each other and keep up to date with what is going on in each others lives. More often than not, it would be Taemin that had more stories to share, which was way better than what you believe to be, is your very boring mundane life, focusing on your studies.

And you did follow through anyway, creating an account and adding Taemin by the username he left at the end of his last letter.

. . . .

TM: Earth to Y/N???

YN: Huh?

TM: It said you were typing for so long, I thought you had slept on the keyboard :D.

YN: oh ... no ... sorry, mom asked me if I could hang some laundry in the room.

TM: Ah, so... you're coming with my mom right?

YN: it's in a few days right? I wouldn't miss it... What are your hyungs like?

TM: Annoying TT TT

You smirked at the screen before dropping the forced emotion, realizing, Taemin's not there to question the sad look on your face. Your head turned back slightly to see the half-packed suitcase on the floor along with scraps of scrunched up paper, filled with drafts of apologies to Taemin.

The temptation to just tell him the truth right there and then would be all too relieving but by the time you had shifted your attention to the screen, Taemin's profile icon was greyed out and he had left a solid paragraph about his plans to work hard and have everyone including yourself be proud of him, he ended with a goodbye..

... Y/N-ah, wear our bracelet okay? So I can see you in the crowd. I know you'll be front row anyway, but just in case you get stuck behind someone. Missed ya you stupid face! Please cheer me on .

☼ Sometime during '12... ☼

"Hey Dad, you sure I can drop the luggage here?"

"It's your old room, be comfortable" , he yelled from downstairs, his voice growing distant, exiting the front door to grab the rest of your luggage.

You open the sliding door, seeing a more smaller and emptier room than you imagined. A roll of thick futon laid in one corner, along with the rest of your sleeping amenities, a handful of pillow and a very comfortable thick blanket. It genuinely smelt like happier memories, back when your mom and dad decided that Seoul was going to be the last stop and nothing in their career could make them move. Not yet an adult, but grown enough to understand the circumstance which led to your dad coming back to Korea full time and your mom back home with a busy law career and more importantly, finally allowing you to travel on your own to visit him.

"You sure I was the only person who stayed here?", you half joked, knowing full well that your dad had been offering spare rooms to his workmates during late night after-work drinking sessions.

"Eish... if you are going to be like your mother, I won't rescue you from spiders..." he mocked back in a sassy pouty tone.

"I'm kidding, but seriously though... try not to spend life alone.." , you mumbled, looking at your father, who looked half the man he was. He had gotten more frail in the years, probably since no one was home to make him home cooked meals, and he was grey around the edges and a little paler compared to you, but you had his eyes, which were full of light and passion. "Mom is waiting for you back home..."

The man stumbled past you to drop the remainder of your bags, which was on oversight for a 2 month visit, but packing like you are there for a much longer duration. He ruffled the top of your head, making light conversation of how you and your mom were back home and began asking if things you wanted to do in the summer.

Nothing came to mind about plans. If anything you wanted to open your old messaging site and see if any of your old classmates were still online and if they remembered you, would they still like to meet up? But the nagging voice in your head kept on telling you, not to login. What if he left messages? What if he is still leaving messages...

You had asked your dad if you could borrow his laptop in the meantime while you unpacked and thankfully all the keycaps were in familiar alphabets as your grip on the Korean language had decreased in your time away, but hopefully it was enough to reconnect with some old friends.

There was hesitation in your fingertips on why you didn't want to click on that login button. So much weight behind one action. Closing your eyes and taking a deep breath in, taking that leap of courage, you navigated towards your unread messages.

He had not been online for over 3 months, but that is the maximum display of how long a person was last seen. It could be over 3 months at this point. His last message was also from that time.

TM: Are you well? Me and the hyungs are practicing again for our comeback. It's going to be exciting. TM: You know... it feels like we are a team now. TM: Are you still singing? TM: Do you still read these messages? Y/N-ah. Reply soon okay? I'm no longer angry at you.

You scrolled back to see, he had been sending messages every few months, some of them were sad, some were filled with anger and mildly insulting languages. A scoff managed to escape you. Wow, you really are a man now Taemin. A set of paragraphs caught your attention.

As per, hot blooded teenager goes, Taemin had cursed you out for not showing up. He blamed you for not enjoying his debut stage and being made fun of his hyungs for not having his friend support him. He continued to say that if you were going to disappear, you shouldn't have given him hope that you were going to show up, after the long months on not being able to meet up because he slept in the dance studio often, much to his mom's disappointment. Taemin caps off the message wondering if his mom ever gave the CD to your dad.

CD? You don't remember such thing. Granted, you and your mom were the first to leave Korea, but your dad, for as long as you recounted, had stayed in the same address.

"Appa! Do I have any old items in the room?!", you screamed from your room, perking your ear out from over your shoulder.

"Yes! Check the wardrobe."

Scuttling towards the sliding door of the closet, you quickly brush it open and see a stack of old clothes. minor household items, and a random shoe box with random Doraemon and Hello Kitty stickers adorning the sides. Bingo. You inspected the box first. It looks like no one has touched it in years and there was this crisp crackling noise as if it had been tightly glue shut, but the glue had worn off.

In it was a collection of items you used to collect, stamps, arcade tickets, cinema tickets and an assortment of handwritten letters, all done in Taemin's writing. Did dad save these? At the bottom, was a thin parcel with aqua coloured wrapping paper. It had the signature of Taemin and 4 others with the message 'We hope to see you soon', ending with a love heart. Without opening it, you assumed it was a copy of their first album, an album that you currently have sitting in your bedroom back home with other SHINee related items.

Yes, you were a full on Shawol and you would be stupid enough to have Taemin as your bias. But you supported from the back, because Taemin was right, you were just downright despicable for not saying goodbye to him even when your mom encouraged you to leave the letter to his mom, who was 20 minute bike drive away.

No one knew where you had went; the ambiguity between your parents meant that your dad was not bothered to inform others where you had been whisked away to, as long as he got updates that you were safe and smiling. The door to your room slid open quietly. He leans across the frame, seeing pages scatter around and the CD in its wrapping beside you.

"Maybe it's because he doesn't recognize me as much, but that kid comes by the neighbourhood often and walks slowly when he passes by the building...", your dad's words were comforting. "I know it was mostly your mom and his that were friends, but I had overheard him ask about you and your mom around the neighbourhood, guess people didn't forward the message to me at the time.."

"It's okay appa... it's for the better that he doesn't know..", there was a defeat in your voice. "I was such a bad friend to him..."

Your dad clicked his tongue before rolling down his sleeves, almost as if he just said 'Come on, lets go out'.

And you did. Instead of taking the car, the two of you had opted to take public transport and walk around for the afternoon. Seoul had changed so much in the years you were gone. It felt like a completely different city. The air was different and contrary to popular belief, there are little nooks around the area that seems quiet and slow, like a brief relief from the bustling main road.

However this meant, you could hear it clearly, SHINee's Sherlock playing in stores to lure fans in to buy from their stock. Bright as day, you heard his voice. He had improved so much with his singing that he did sound like Jonghyun. Or maybe, it's because his voice dropped, but you knew his lines and its like being back in his living room, on the rare occasions he did sing, you would listen.

The pain wracked through every muscle in your chest. Taemin paid extra attention to you when you were younger. Hung onto every word you said and would follow through every promise he made. There was time he used his pocket money to buy you snacks for lunch because you had your "bad Korean tongue days", wherein by you embarrass yourself since public speaking was not your strongest suit and reading a block of Korean text was as daunting as the time you had to explain to his mom why he got injured, falling off his bike on your behalf.

Ah, the true pains of puppy love, you thought to yourself as you continued to absentmindedly walk beside your dad, who was nudging you this whole time, asking if you wanted to investigate the commotion down the street.

It had been apparent that there seems to be a film crew nearby and shocking amount of high school girls roughly around your age, squealing in excitement. You had pushed through halfway into the crowd with your dad, still unaware of what was happening, although the soondae soup restaurant you wanted to go to was just after where the crowd had formed. You might as well be nosy and see what the fuss was about.

Well didn't curiosity kill the cat, when you heard a name being screamed from behind you.

From across the crowd, 5 good-looking guys where strolling with a camera man following them and a host with cue cards and mic, interviewing them. It was Shinee in the flesh, but more importantly it was Taemin in the flesh with about 25+ raging teenagers in between you two, but no doubt he was the same petite frame, trudging along the back, behind his band members, camera shy and playing that extra coy, innocent angel look towards the fangirls.

Soon, unbeknownst to you, you had been slowly pushed through the crowd, now walking in the inner circle that surround Shinee and film crew. But this is a blessing in disguise was just few feet away and you could probably grab onto your dad and drag him out of the pandemonium.

"Ah appa! There's a gap here, come on we'll miss the special lunch menu!" you managed to shout, but to your detriment it had caused Taemin to turn around.

His eyes flittered around, scanning the group of people before him, thankfully the crew had stopped walking and were interviewing Shawols on the street. He could hear the sound of his heart beating in his ear. That voice, it struck and resonated in him, it took a while to focus his eyes at the general direction of the sound that stirred him.

There amongst the crowd, two hands holding in the air, someone from the other side trying to drag their dad back out of the group of people, on the wrist of one, was a lilac and green beaded bracelet with a cat charm in the middle. His eyes darted down to check his own wrists and just as he expected, buried in the dark earth toned bracelets, his stylists made him wear, underneath hid an identical bracelet albeit in alternating colours to the one he just saw but it had a cat charm too. His flipped the charm with his index fingers, revealing the very rough and badly embossed marking on the back, revealing your initials, same as the way your charm would have his initials too.

☼ Sometime after now... ☼

"Sonyu eonnie!! I'm here", you eagerly called out for you friend as you rush down the steps of the arena.

You looked around and saw that bar a few stragglers, the venue looked like it had just been recently emptied as the clean up crew haven't even began brushing confetties off the floor. It was a pretty big venue too and that impressed you a lot to know that it was packed judging from how long you waited in the car park for, to let the exiting crowd to reduce.

In a stretched out booth were a bunch of monitors, scattered and tangled wires, all set up to keep an eye on the concert, control mic levels, music levels and lightings. Your sunbae from an old school sat in the middle, smiling from ear to ear as she waved you over but yelling to be careful and not trip over any rogue wires.

"Oh? Someone looks like they had a good work day. How was the concert?", you chirpped, taking a seat beside the hagard looking woman who was slumped back into her seat with cables in her hands.

"It went great, no accidents, things ran smoothly, Taemin sounded nice too"

The inner corner of your lips twitched at the name. "Shinee's Taemin?"

"Oh are you a fan? You should have told me! I could have gotten you in for free", her words caused panic inside of you.

The last time you saw him in person was at a fan-sign event. Boldly wearing a mask, you stood at the front row to cheer him on. You may not be as close as friends, barely even acquaintances, but you had bumped into his mom, weeks prior, saying how delighted Taemin would be to see you and offered a ticket that she was going to give to friend's daughter. When you asked it to be a surprise, she didn't utter a word to her son. When it was time to line up and have a poster signed, you quickly turned on your heel and ran away. You also knew, he probably didn't recognize you, despite the minor scene you had caused that did get the Shinee members' attention.

You went out of your way to find Taemin's mom, who still lived near the area you grew up in, and apologized to her for not following through with the plan to surprise Taemin, and asked if she could just not tell Taemin that you were around. She was quick to beg if you had any way of being contacted by Taemin. She promised that she would be discreet in how she would drop the topic on him. You hmm'd and haa'd at the prospect before stating that you had been staying at the same address since you were a kid, being generous enough to leave a note of the address in case Taemin or his mom had forgotten.

After that encounter you never really heard from Taemin for almost 6/7 years? His mom had been in contact quite recently, after bumping into your mom when she visited Korea and the communication has been somewhat regular.

Sonyu eonnie, nudged your shoulder trying to get your attention. "Hey hey, some of the staff are going out to eat and maybe drink to celebrate. Do you want to join me?"

You weren't going to turn down food and drinks, so you nodded and waited for her to get ready, calling over the other PD-eonnies who were part of the crew that was going out to eat. It didn't take long before a crowd gathered all talking about what food they wanted to eat and where was going to be empty enough to host a big group.

Ever so slightly, the formed group would attempt to make it out of the hall, now suddenly being probably the last of staff to get out as the clean-up crew had already finished minutes beforehand, and you were happy enough to be able to partake in conversations and the staff were so welcoming towards you.

By the time you guys had walked through the double doors that led to the hallway with the staff exit, the group gathered, waiting for everyone and whether a decision had been made within all that ruckus. You and Sonyu kept on insisting for soju and barbeque, giggling as suddenly everyone suddenly craved for barbeque and began to speak to about their favourite cuts and how their respective partners were good and grilling meat.

In the chaos, you didn't notice it, but some of the staff members began bowing and waving towards the other side of the hallway.

"Well done Lee Taemin. You worked very well! Thank you for working so hard!"

Echoes of along those line were all cheered out and you followed the gaze of the crowd and Taemin was smiling and waving back, thanking the staff members for all of their hard work and for taking care of him. But even then, he was distracted, because he knew, he wasn't imagining it. He knows that you know that he can recognize you. He has been staring at you and tried to stay calm about it.

As if you were teens again, time stood still and he couldn't believe his eyes but he even second guessed himself, unsure how to confirm it was you, his childhood friend, someone he thought would be there for him until the end.

With the spirit and mood being so high, you could partially make out that the staff was inviting Taemin to come out as well and the remaining SHINee members who had stuck behind to leave with Taemin. You shook your head as if to say, you didn't want Taemin to agree to join, because that would mean you had to interact, it would be rude not to. Before another comment could be made, you were hurriedly whisked away, Sonyu dragging you to your car and quickly searching the BBQ restaurant on her phone.

It wasn't a far drive either, but hopefully you could eat in peace without Taemin nearby, knowing that your stomach wouldn't settle at all with the anxiety going through you. Sonyu patted your shoulder inquiring how you were and you replied that you were fine.

"I'll stay in the car for a bit and just let dad know where I am, if you can go in and get our order in now, we don't have to wait for me", you told your eonnie, which she took at face value, hopping out of the car and rushing to her friends.

You really didn't know how to make of the situation. Abandoning your friend would not make a good impression with the rest of the team, however, acting like Taemin doesn't exist in front of everybody might make everyone think you were downright crazy. It was a coinflip and at the point your stomach had growled so much that you decided, Fuck it. I will eat a whole pig.

As you prepared to get out of the car and close the door behind you, a voice, loud and clear spoke up.

"Y/N?"

Maybe if you pretend you don't know who he is calling out, you could still walk away from this place. So much for some soju and BBQ tonight.

"Y/N please, do you remember me?" Taemin repeated chasing after you a bit before darting forward to block you next step, with his arms wide open. "I know you know I recognized you"

"I'm sorry but you must be tired" you denied the allegations, before ducking from his spread arms. and continued walking the opposite direction of the restaurant.

"You're breaking mom's heart over this", he yells out, causing you to spin on your heel.

You have always held his mom with such respect, she was indeed like your second come whenever you were back home in Korea and from your impression, Taemin's mom never really brought up Taemin or the idea of contacting Taemin on your behalf and was content in keeping in contact with you from time to time, along with your mother. So to you, it was an insult to you that Taemin has claimed that you have hurt his mom's feelings.

"Are you really going to make a scene in public?", the bewildered stare in your eyes was enough for him to stand down, knowing a crowd would form if they recognized him through his cap and mask. You hissed through gritted teeth. "Besides, why do you care?"

"You were my best friend, the only one who didn't... ", Taemin paused before closing the distance between you. "Yes it was ages ago and I have tried to heal from it, but school? Training? My so called buddies? They were hell. You were the only friend I had who understood"

There it was. He still had it, the crack in his voice that pulled at your heartstrings. There was no point in denying that you had closely followed Taemin as a celebrity, and even more so recently when he has done lives and spoken to fans. Taemin was so bubbly and happy and maybe it was just for show to the fans, but deep inside, did you really take the façade in its face value. Like he said, you were the only one who understood his struggles before he developed friendships in the company. But why now, did he make you feel like the balance of his happiness and sanity rested on your hands? "Come on Taem, it's been what? 15 years? More?", there was hint of pain tangled in your voice.

"And you think mom hasn't shared stories? You think your mom didn't tell her the stories of you supporting me?"

"Oh-- so now it's a crime to be your fan?!"

"No..."

"Then what do you want from me?"

"I just wanted you to come back! You could have contacted me, instead you made mom hide the fact that you two have been talking" he rattled, trying to suppress how loud he was yelling at you. "I needed you in my life and you didn't think of asking me instead of asking about me"

A struggled laugh managed to break from your throat. You had been facing off with someone who for the most part was your idol, your celebrity crush and not as your childhood friend or as your childhood crush .The irony was not lost on you that plenty of girls would kill to be in your shoes, to hear Taemin scream, he needed them in his life. But he was right, nothing was stopping you, but you feared even a friendship with him, would rattle the fandom and hurt you.

Your stifled laughter, caused Taemin to roll his eyes and let out an angered growl. pacing in front of you, trying to scan the surroundings and whether the interaction had generated public viewing, but it has been relatively quiet, any passer-by maybe just assumed that the two of you were a couple fighting.

"Like I said. it has been 15 years. I don't really think there anything for us to go back to", you muttered defeatedly, finally looking at him in the eyes, while struggling not to let a tear fall.

He bit his lip. You hate it when he does that. He rolled his eyes, quickly moving to grab your wrist and pulling the sleeve of your coat further up to you elbow. "Then why are you still wearing it, if you don't care?", he says while lifting your arm up. Surely within view, on your wrist and his, were similar bracelets of lilac and green with a very worn out cat charm. Taemin's initials were decorated on your charm while yours were on his, although you noticed it seemed like Taemin had gone over the carving, to make it stand out more, whereas yous was faded and blurry. It took a lot of strength to not buckle where you were standing. It was embarrassing to admit that you never took it off unless you were going into water. It didn't matter to you that it clashed with outfits or looked out of place with the rest of your accessories. It was the only trinket that reminded you of a happier time with him. A time that you got to share with him. A promise to be there for him, even if you were away. Like you always said and thought. I'm just a passing star in your sunlight Taemin.

Your breathing had slowly picked up, it was causing your heart to almost implode within you. Dammit. There can't be waterworks, not now. The tension was different and sharp enough to cut through skin. This caused you to raise your head slightly, looking at him with teary eyes, almost pleading with him to not press on the matter further. What right did the two of you have to pick up where you left of. Both now older with years of stories, characteristics and emotions that it felt impossible to catch up on all of that, for what was puppy love. There may be tension, but the way his eyes meets yours lets you know that you were on the same page, the same emotional wavelength, the same questions. You two were only kids back then, but had you stuck around or come back sooner, would Taemin try for something more? Would you have allowed him to? Would he have fought for me, if it went any further? His fingers finally release and the grip on your wrist drops. "You know, when I saw you at the arena, I almost went crazy", he began, dancing around his words. "It's like my heart was about to burst", his own breathing had began staggering as if what he was about to say would cause a panic attack, "I never forgot you, I hated you when you left, because it's like you pulled the support plug away from me before I had a chance to breath. I hated you because for years, I dreamt about you randomly as if you were here and I thought I could distract myself from it, but I could not. I hated you, because I never got a chance to love you."

So direct, so raw, Taemin laid his heart out right in front of you, his eyes burning with passion holding tears that would eventually cause him to come undone, but he was staying strong, his resolve to admit to you how heartbroken he was and not understanding at what capacity he held you in his own heart.

Your own desires reflected his own, granted a bit biased, but you had never let the fact you admired him a celebrity clouded the fact that you did wish, that you fought your own mind sometimes, to make the push to interact with Taemin all those years ago. You questioned the words that fell from your lips, almost catching them as they left.

"Well I'm here now!" you exclaimed, relaxing your body and opening your arms out slightly, as if it was to taunt the man in front of you. "What will you do then? You can't expect me to believe you after all this --- ".

Taemin didn't falter in the next few moves. As quick as you announced that you were indeed there and present.

"Give me a chance, to prove that this is real--" he began and before you could reply, his hands had cupped your face, pulling himself towards you and plant a kiss on your lips. It was timid but not of his own volition. Like he was holding back. Like he was restraining so much passion within him to not weigh the kiss. Like he was respecting you enough to let you know, you could pull away anytime if you didn't like it.

But you did. it was like the thousand unspoken words between the two of you were finally said in a single kiss. Not necessarily deepening the kiss, catching your breath momentarily, but definitely going for another, and you had found your body leaning in and up, your fingers cling onto the sides of his jacket sleeves, gripping tightly. Taemin's hand wander to your back, pulling you in, his own hands clawing at your jacket. The silent agreement that you both feared losing each other was loud for anyone to see. When you finally pulled your head back, your eyes met him and there was a peaceful happiness in them, because you both knew, you did kiss him back with as much intent and need. "You know, we have a lot to catch up on, I don't think we were the same kids as before", you mumbled at him, fixing the collar of his jacket.

"Yes but now we are a bit older and know what we want, what we are like. We can approach this as adults now. All I know is what I've wanted back then and want I was now is still the same, but now it's more serious more adult let's say", he whispered, now fully encapsulating your frame in an embrace and refusing to let go of you.

You tilt your head and stared at him, questioning his words.

"Since then and even until now, I wished for you to love me. Yes it may have been different forms back then but I think I knew, it's love, that I felt for you."

A smile crept up your lips and quickly pecked the corner of his lips before pushing past him to walk towards the BBQ place. "Taemin-ah come on, don't want to miss out on your first date do you?!", you called back out to him, giggling as you his face light up and rush towards you to walk back to the restaurant that you had tried to walk away from.

There was a slight pause as you two had reached the doorstep, it was so loud inside, you don't think anyone realized , the two of you were mere distance away, practically confessing to each other.

"It's going to be hard to pretend like I'm not into you right now" he whispered in your ear as he swing the restaurant door open, greeting the concert staff and his hyungs. "Sonyu noona! I saw your friend tried to bail, I took the liberty to dragging her back in so we can enjoy some food!", he gleefully lied before setting you across from him on the table.

Your face was flushed with embarrassment before kicking Taemin lightly on the shins under the table all the while Sonyu was inquiring what had taken your phone call with your dad for so long.

Taemin smiled coyly before trading glances with you throughout the night, assured that for the first time, he could dream about you and wake up knowing, you were still there for him.

[cubur]

I'm the person who asked how you came to sns fandom. well, i understand you perfectly well, as i write fanfics, but i'm only in my second year in random. nevertheless, i've been having these thoughts lately too. My first year was intense - I made a total of about 25 translations and my own works, but lately I and my fellow writers have been facing anonymous heath (I get this literally every part of one of my works, and it's obvious that it's the same person - I can't understand it, why they write to me when I made it clear a long time ago that I don't give a fuck about opinions that can't even be called constructive critic), plus personal life, trying to earn more, a block in writing (I haven't released a sequel in over five months, and that's too sad for me, even if translations are still coming out). .. Anyway, yeah… the fandom has become smaller (as I can tell from the amount of feedback on the art from years ago and now). it's honestly frustrating too. so I totally understand, but I'm going to trust that you'll stay with us for a while longer and that your problems will be resolved successfully!!! thanks for the reply and I wish you success <З

P.s. sorry if there are strange wording in the text, English is my second language

I've never been a professional writer, but yes I have some things i've written too. So I understand what you mean… Just it's nice to know that there are some people out there who feel the same way I do (no matter how much i want to get rid of these feelings) Yes I know that one day i will reach a point where i won't be able to draw anything …but until then i'll do my best！ Just thank you for your motivating support！❤️ I'm also trust that your problems will be resolved asap.

P.S. English is not my native language either, so don't even mention it ^^

[rigelmejo]

So I haven't posted in a while. Little updates:

I finished arc 1 of Guardian in chinese again. So now I wont feel bad reading the book 1 english translation.

I took a break from chinese for a while then came back to read. And its interesting to me how much is stored like "2nd level down" in my memory. I don't recall words when trying to talk, after a long enough break. But I start reading, and my brain subvocalizes the hanzi and I can recall this Gist General Meaning of the words. Some words I recall their meaning and all, some just an overall general idea. But I havent forgotten much, nothing totally forgotten, and then most of the details of words come back within an hour or reading. Its surprising to me that reading chinese, memory wise, seems a LOT like reading french. I didnt expect it to be quite as similar a process. But it seems that remembering hanzi Words is as permanent as remembering french word stems/endings (or english ones). Reading skills have long staying power, and don't degrade much even with long breaks between usage. This is Excellent news. Since I don't have time to study much for the next several months, so I'm glad reading skills will stay as good as they are Or Improve if I read, without needing maintenance study. I'd like to improve my listening skill too, because being able to understand audiobooks would increase the chinese novels I could get through that I want to read (audiobooks would be faster than reading). But I dont have time yet for listening reading combo study, and time will tell if i do that activity WHEN and IF listening skills also gradually solidify then become reliable so one can study more sporadically and still see improvement.

My french skills are. Fascinating. I havent purposely studied in like over 5 years. I dont get that much French exposure (my google is in french but tbh google email and notifications do not use a big variety of words). But I've noticed a dramatic improvement in listening skills. My french reading skills have been fine for years. Theyre at a level where I can read like a high schooler: so i can read fiction for adults, but some words or literary devices go over my head and I have to just guess, the more in depth text analysis of themes might be a challenge, but just getting the story/information/most details is fine. I havent had to limit what i read in french in ages. Its just a matter of in french i feel like i did in high school where some fiction makes me "think hard" to grasp some points, versus english where i dont run into needing to Think Hard like that unless I'm reading something written pre-1800s. Anyway my point is: reading skills have been stable a while in french. Listening skills have markedly improved despite very little purposeful practice. I think I should probably start listening to podcasts or audiobooks some point soon. Through scattered listening to B1 and B2 comprehensible audio on youtube, and french shows, im to a point where if the audio has visual context i can follow everything going on and learn new words pretty easy. So now its just listening to french when i have no visuals to rely on, that's a struggle. I remember a few years back, i could not listen to french shows id just get confused, i needed the subtitles to follow anything. My ears mustve gotten used to french or just gotten used to Listening Better to things. Anyway, if i start trying and French Listening Only materials ill mention some progress.

Anyone have any french audiobooks or podcasts/fiction story podcasts they enjoy???

Japanese. also in a weird place. ToT. My biggest hurdle isnt even japanese: its being too chicken to challenge myself. I can play Yakuza Ishin in japanese and follow the main idea and objectives and main points in scenes. Yet i have NOT played more cause it feels Draining to grasp all that info from context and im lazy. I know if i watch a show in only japanese, with japanese subtitles, i know enough to grasp the main plot. But im lazy and its a LOT of effort to see the japanese subtitles and match new sounding words with kanji and try to remember the new pronunciation AND pay attention to the brand new plot. So i fall back onto english subs. I KNOW i can read japanese novels with a click dictionary, its just such SLOW reading, and if i just read while listening and Guess all unknown words its mentally exhausting even though its faster. I even have the easy peasy Glossika Japanese audio to listen to, but im still on lesson 36 because i have to Pay Full Attention when i listen to new lessons and im too lazy to listen with full attention ToT. I can watch lets plays in japanese, i understand them, but the effort of focusing is so much MORE than it would take if i just went to watch an english lets play where i can just hear in the background and follow it fine not even looking at it.

I am at a POINT in japanese where I CAN just learn by doing now! Which is huge! Its an incredibly useful milestone to be at! And makes future study, in the long run, much less daunting to plan as it can become just Do Stuff In Japanese to study. But since im at the beginning of this Comprehend Enough to Learn More from Context phase... learning new stuff from context still takes SO MUCH EFFORT. ITS SO DRAINING. Paying enough attention to comprehend things ive studied is exhausting, paying extra attention to new stuff and guessing what it means is draining and requires a Lot of focus. I know this is just how this stage goes but. Im so lazy.

What i need is something in japanese im SO interested in, that it drives me to engage with it even though I'm drained because im so Curious and Interested in understanding, so i push through until comprehending gets easier. Ideally, a game or show, something that plays so i am Forced to frequently proceed to the next sentence. Because with books and manga i will just stop and dwell on a paragraph for 2 hours and not learn much new stuff.

This stage is especially grating because im not in the stage with french or chinese anymore. I can listen to chinese shows in the background, check my phone while listening, not use the chinese subtitles, pay half attention while drawing. Chinese audiobooks require More attention, but i can listen to them walking or driving without subtitles/transcript and still follow the plot. With french Im to that same comfortable point with shows and youtube videos, not audio only stuff yet but i dont Engage with french audio only stuff. My point is Japanese is the only one where Im really feeling that INTENSE FOCUS drain whenever i try to engage with challenging new stuff in japanese. I dont feel an intense drain with chinese unless I read one of my harder reading level Print Novels or a higher vocab audio only material. I dont feel it with french unless Im doing it with audio only material. I feel the drain constantly with japanese.

[athanasia-day]

In honor of the Suicide Prevention Month I think i like to share some thoughts about it and some realizations I just had. I'll be writting this in English and it isn't really my native language, so bare with me.

It was early December of 2021, I was a few months over 16 when I decided that I was finally done with life. Being honest, the idea of suicide had already crossed my mind since I was really young, when? I couldn't exactly tell you, but I was really young when I came to understand that, I wasn't scared of death like everyone else, instead, I crave it.

I can not by any means tell you what made me and still makes me so sad. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't love myself enough, that I didn't feel loved or maybe I was just born sad and tired.

Since kid, I was one of those smarty pants girls who loved books and praise from anyone around me, I craved validation.

So, in 2021, when my anxiety and depression hit me the hardest, I simply dropped, there isn't other word I could use to describe it. I stopped caring about grades or making friends, I only wanted to sleep for hours and to read in a quiet place.

A fact that I always remind myself now that I'm in uni and everyone keeps asking why I choose this career, I always said "it's what I wanted to do since I was a kid" because that was the last time I imagine myself as an adult. After that? I didn't see myself living past my sixteens. Even now it's difficult for me imagining a day where I'll be 30.

That December, when my grades arrived I just knew that I had disappointed my family, and I think that was the last straw at that moment, the only thing keeping me sane was the need of validation. Without that? I was lost.

So, 16 years old me decided that I was gonna take advantage of my family not keeping tabs of the multiple pills we had. I didn't know how It worked, and I'm thankful that it didn't cross my mind to do more research.

I remember my mother screaming at my dad because of my grades as my older brother hugged me, saying that they were just grades, that I least didn't fail any subject or something.

That night, while I was hiding in my family room (where we all slept together except for my older brother), I was lying on my little brother's bed while I was planning.

When it was midnight, I went down stairs knowing mom would be asleep and I checked the pills and grabbed some. I went to my brother's bed again and lay there with the pills.

And yes, as horrorific as it sounds, I was ready to die in my brother's bed, and thinking about that, what the hell was I thinking? The twins were both 10, and they would be the first ones to find my body, how could they ever sleep on those beds again? Knowing that their sister died there?

I was just lying there and processing if I should really go on with my plan when I decided to text my friend to get some help or to simply say goodbye, after all, my parents' goodbye letters have already been written years ago.

So, it was like 2 a.m when I texted my friend, Andrea, and yes, I'm name dropping her because she's an amazing human being and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.

I got into a long talk with her, and even though it didn't change my mind, she made me promise to go out with them some days later. I didn't know that she shared our conversation with our others friends till days later on the outing I saw my friends conversation with another one.

And, it may not sound like much, how could a simple hang out mean so much that it makes you change you mind on suicide? But it meant the world to me, but it reminded me that I am loved, that there would be people who would cry and miss me. It gave me what I had lost sight of, that I was more than some value defined by the things I did or haven't done.

A month later I made a new letter that I personally read to my dad, and I don't think he really understood how deeply hurt I was or how bad the situation was before, but the hug he gave that day cured a lot of wounds that I didn't even knew where there.

Today, I had a very good day, and I'm thankful to say that I enjoyed so much more of life that I would have if I had taken that choice when I was 16.

I realized that, if I had taken that choice, my mom and family would had buried two bodies in a month, my grandpa's, my mom's dad who passed away a few days after my outing, and mine.

Today, I'm 19, because I was reminded by the people who really cared about me that I was more than what I saw in the mirror, that I was more than some bad grades.

Today, I'm 19, studying a career that I can't tell you right now if I love, but that I certainly like. I go to uni Monday to Friday, I work in the morning, I'm studying English and looking to study more languages.

Today, I'm 19, because even if my mom and I fought a lot, I still love her enough to stay by her side, because I love our fights even though I cry a lot during them, because I love how she bakes chocolate cakes and hears me when I talk about Taylor Swift, Doctor Who, Percy Jackson or whatever I'm obsessing at the moment.

Today, I'm 19, because Andrea, Vicky, Jonathan and Maru where there for me and loved me even when I couldn't do it myself. And I'm so very thankful for that, and I swear that I'll live to the fullest with the new life they gave me.

And you, who is reading this, stranger, friend or someone I know that I decided to share this with, know that you're loved, even if you can't see it.

I won't lie to you, it will hurt, you will have your drops, but, and as cliche as it sounds, life is not only about the bad things in our life. It's about that chocolate cake that awaits for you at the table, about that book you still haven't finished, about that friend who would forever remind you as a more than a depressed person, but as their soulmate.

Take care, and thank you for reading.

[sinterblackwell]

kay's favorite reads of 2023

and with that, my 2023 reading year has finally come to a close 🙏🏾

i haven't talked as much about books this year as i did in 2022, but i really did have a good time (with some tears.....)!! i discovered a whole new batch of books in the danmei genre that made my year and completely transformed my tastes; or just feels like it had :')

i read 76 books, all the way up to the last day, and it ended on a very high note, which i'm glad. i had fun writing this, as much as i could.

just something for me to look back on!!

if there's something i'm very consistent with, it's how much i write, so....there's the annual warning. but this is a passion project!! so that's all that matters.

honorable mentions:

lor (monstrous, #7) - lily mayne

--. what originally was meant to be a novella turned into a 600-page novel that is the longest of the entire series to date. i became a huge fan of lily mayne since 2022 because of this series, and i was absolutely delighted to get to continue it in the beginning of this year. at first, the story did read as a novella because of how contained it was, as if lor & jugs were living in this bubble. many clues, however, hinted that that bubble would break eventually-- political turmoil due to lor's position as the Moric and the fact that jug's human world has not yet fell into an apocalyptic state since this book is set in the 80s.

i genuinely became obsessed with the story once the plot kicked in around the middle, but i also admired how much the author put into the worldbuilding of this monster realm that our earlier monstrous characters had only been referencing up to this point. and it was absolutely amazing, but with a ton of faults that showed no world, even without any humans, is exempt from some messy politics. the fact that lor was so avoidant in his position causes a lot of upheaval, but his character arc in this story was very well-done, and it made for a very emotional read with all the events near the end. the author clearly got to have a lot of fun with this story in its setting and i look forward to seeing what will come when these characters meet with our earlier cast in the next book.

translations - brian friel

--. this was something i read for my irish literature course in the spring, and i ate it up in less than 2 hours at most. i don't read many plays and don't anticipate myself changing that fact in the future, but i had such a pleasant time with this one!! i think what made it so profound was having the text written out in front of me and yet i could visualize it so clearly as if i was following the script all along while the characters were performing on a stage.

this story is about the start of the end for the irish language, set in a small, rural town known as baile beag. having this play written entirely in english when these characters were majorly speaking irish is a connection that will stick with me for a long time, and it made the story so much more bleak because these characters weren't aware of what was to come.

my professor is so passionate about irish history, and felt just the same with this play. i got to take part in some very interesting discussions of the story while in class, and so now, a dream of mine would be to get to see this play in person someday :')

how to say i do - tal bauer

--. we cannot have a 2023 reading wrap-up without a tal bauer mention. despite not reading as much from him this year (mainly because i already read most of everything he wrote in 2022.....), i was glad to have this title to come back to more than once every couple of months. wyatt & noël are my most favorite tal bauer couple, next to sasha & sergey from the executive saga, and i just found them so sweet.

wyatt is one of the purest characters i have ever read; you can find no fault with him and his sweetheart persona. i loved how the author explored his own personal arc in the story due to the grief he held for his murdered father that he lost some time ago. he moved through that grief by taking care of his younger brother and working his ass off on the winery business he worked on together with his dad, and also the fields that this wine comes from. this land he grew up in is his home, and noël becomes a part of it as well.

this is a story about healing and finding peace with the people who care for you, and i adored it so much.

qiāng jìn jiǔ - tang jiuqing

--. there are no rules that can tell me i am not allowed to include this story here when i got through over 50% of it, and it is over 2,000 pages long. yes, i may not have gotten to finish it by this point, but i still consider it one of my greatest reading achievements. the story has such a huge cast of characters and very in-depth world politics, full with schemes and court intrigue, as well as betrayal and yearning.

it holds a very strong place in my heart because of the experience i have with it since i could only get to start reading it by surfing through a Chinese website and doing some rough translations. i was very determined to get started on it and actually paid some money that was ensured to go towards the author just so i could gain access to the fan translation. it is one of the best translations i ever had the fortune to read, and i got to pull a lot of my favorite quotes from it while gushing about the story with a friend.

that same friend did a very meaningful thing and found an epub of this translation before it got taken down since seven seas publishing has officially licensed it recently. i am very happy to see what it will look like in that version set to come in its first volume in june 2024, but i'm even more ecstatic to have this epub to finish the fan translation first. i hope to be done by this in the new year, so we'll see.

my summer of you - nagisa furuya

--. this is a comfort series for me, and i will always love that i got to read the first two volumes during the summer when the story was set. i couldn't get to read the third volume until early december, but the spirit of the season still shined through and i had such a nice time with these characters. the art was very neat and brought a smile to my face because of how adorable these characters looked, especially wataru as in the third volume, he ends up just looking more & more like an angry kitten.

i loved that even though there's no discernible plot to each volume, i still get to see this development in the established relationship between chiharu and wataru. their mutual love for film is what brought them together as close friends, and it's what nurtures the romantic feelings they grow for the other that are depicted in very soft panels. i'm not quite sure if there's more volumes to come, but for the ones that we have now, i'll cherish them for being something comforting to come back to when i need something light.

+ the art of cruelty - butchgoth (gremlingirl)

--. cue more self-indulgence!! because yes!! this is fanfiction!! beefleaf fanfiction in particular, inspired from mxtx's heaven official's blessing, but now set in an alternate universe where these characters live today. it was over 300,000 words, which effectively made it roughly over 500 pages, single-spaced; and for that, i will count it as part of my reading goal, so technically.....i've read 77 books this year <3

i just feel sentimental about this fic since it was the first one i read from the tgcf fandom. i discovered it on ao3 immediately after catching all the way up to vol.5 (which was the most recent volume published by seven seas at the time i picked up the series in january). it had all the drama of the canon series, but instead of ghosts & heavenly officals, we had these characters part of the mafia. a lot happened, and these characters' morality felt even more muddled than they were in canon (because duh.....the fucking mafia).

i think what my most favorite thing that i got from it was seeing the brotherhood relationship between hua cheng & he xuan. in the actual series, there isn't much depiction of any closeness in their dynamic, but the tgcf fandom took the bare minimum and expanded on it greatly; this fic is one of the biggest examples of that.

i came to this title for he xuan & shi qingxuan, and it absolutely delivered, but i also got to get attached to some of the other relationships as well (again, he xuan & hua cheng; i'm a sucker for sibling relationships, so i wasn't surprised when this happened).

and now for my top 10 favorite reads of the year!!

. . .

10. given (vol.5) - natsuki kizu

i had been wanting to read this series for a long time, actually. what always stopped me was the fact i had never gotten into manga and had a bit of trouble reading any graphic novels. i was someone who felt more comfortable with regular novels as i found myself feeling distant from the few graphic novels i read before this year.

what ultimately broke this pattern was my reading of our dining table in june, which became the first manga i ever read & completed. it was a contemporary romance that was very light & sweet, and involved a small family who were brought together through the love of homecooked meals. the art was one of the most striking things from the story for me; the little child, tane, having some of the most adorable illustrations i've ever seen.

after reading this manga, i started dipping my toes a little more into the genre, until i ultimately got to the given series, whose art is some of my most favorites of all manga, next to old-fashioned cupcake. what always got to me was how this is a story about music, and how much it means differently for the characters we meet here. my favorite thing about it was how the art made this music these characters were playing feel even more alive, as if i could actually hear it. the art was very expressive and the music resonated so deeply, i loved it so much.

volume 5 ended up connecting to me way more than i expected, and it was just all because a side character, ugetsu murata. we get to meet him in a previous volume, but learn even more about him here and it was all a very emotional read.

his relationship with akihiko hurt me a lot because i had met them when they were already nearing the end, and there was so much pain and resentment that lied deeply in this relationship, that i found myself grieving for what they had in the beginning (even though i wasn't even there to actually witness it??). you could sense the significance of their relationship despite that though, and their goodbye scene ultimately broke me due to (and no surprise here) the incredible artwork.

finding out ugetsu has garnered some mixed feelings from the given fandom was no surprise to me, but it made me love him more because i really did see a connection in him. his personal attachment to music as a renowned violin player is a story i would love to see more about, but he's not necessarily the main character, so...

the good part is his dynamic with mafuyu, who is one of the main characters. i love seeing them when they're together and i like to think that they do become close friends.

9. heaven official's blessing (vol.6) - mò xiāng tóng xiù

this volume was where we finally got to the white-clothed calamity arc, the most painful arc of the entire series that the tgcf fandom was absolutely dreading. it had all the trauma and heartbreak and grief and more, and it was the best arc i read from this series.

we got to see xie lian at his lowest after the fall of Xianle, and i just think one of the most striking things was how hua cheng played a role during this time. this was a point where xie lian & hua cheng weren't familiar to each other in the way they were now at the present timeline of the story, but they still had crossed paths in some shape and literal form very early on. hua cheng, or otherwise, wu ming, in this arc played a very pivotal role in his witness of xie lian's darkest point. to see him absolutely inconsolable because there was no way for him to reach out and protect the person he already loved with his whole being was painful to read. there had always been this quote that the fandom always loves to reference from hua cheng himself, and it all hurt so much more deeply when i saw what he was talking about.

"To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything, that's the worst suffering in the world."

ah so yeah, this volume is my most favorite of the series :') i have very fond feelings for the entire story because it was my first introduction to the world of danmei, and i am way too sentimental for my own good, so of course it had to be on this list.

8. peach blossom debt - da feng gua guo

at this point, i read quite a bit of danmei, and this one happened to be one of the few that didn't come from word of mouth but simple coincidence. this is a story from an author who's not as well-known as mxtx or priest, and i feel very disheartened about that because this danmei was something else (positive).

there's some stories you know you'll love immediately, while others you're not as sure of at first. this was the case of the latter, as the writing style seemed worlds apart from what i had become familiar with in most danmei i had read, and i found the first-person pov to be a very interesting way to handle the narrative. what first started out as a comedic and very ridiculous tale turned into a tragic character arc where song yao, the mc, seemed to have been cursed to repeat this cycle of loneliness that he's had to endure since before he even ascended. i found the twist that happened around the last quarter of the story to be somewhat convoluted in execution, but still overwhelmingly moving looking at the fact that i ended up sending a teary voice message to a friend.

in hindsight, that reaction was very dramatic of me, but all feelings were sincere. this is because the plot twist just absolutely changed everything that i thought i had grasped well from the story up to that point. i had gotten invested in the friendship between song yao and hengwen, the latter being the first & only person who alleviated that feeling of isolation that song yao had become so used to. he was someone who made song yao's ascension feel less overwhelming and brought his own humor & light to their dynamic, which made me ship them hard. when this twist came, it didn't ruin that dynamic, but in an even more ironic heartbreak, it made it seem more forbidden. the romance just became something so much more, and seeing everything that followed after the twist felt like a dream that made me love the story more than i expected i would.

if there's one meme i'd love to float around, it's the popular "would you love me if i was a worm?"; because as this story shows, the answer from one character to another is yes :') and i am obsessed with them for that.

7. stars of chaos (vol.1) - priest

the worldbuilding. the worldbuilding absolutely plays a strong part in this steampunk fantasy, and the main couple did, too <3

i think among all historical danmei, this, thousand autumns, and qiāng jìn jiǔ are much more a grounded visualization of ancient China and its events as it was studied in the books. my favorite thing about stars of chaos is that it still had this touch of innovation and magic that made it a thousand times more compelling than it would've been without. i found the idea of violet gold being seen as the center of all the machinery that exists in this time period such an interesting hook for the story, and chang geng's pov felt absolutely perfect for telling it, in a case of secret identities and and cursed ambitions.

his dynamic with another character, who we come to know as gu yun, is some of my most favorite of all danmei. as of recently, thanks to a couple ao3 fics, i feel even more like i'm bursting with love for them both.

i'm only really at the beginning with this story since we only have this first volume at the time i'm writing this. however, the second one is due to come in early january 2024 and i am so hyped for it. again, the story is really innovative and there's some action & mystery that pulled me in deeply. i'm really excited to get more to the root of it as each volume comes out and the tension grows even stronger.

6. lip and sword (vol.2) - jin shisi chai

because this is just the kind of person that i am, of course one of my top favorite reads of 2023 would be of a series that i finished on the last day of the year :')

there's so much i've already talked about regarding this volume on goodreads (x), but i really consider this series to be a precious gem to me because of how severely underrated it is (and i also mean that literally....the third volume only has 32 ratings on gr, including mine). of course, this series might be receiving much more pleasant feedback in other circles, as goodreads isn't the center of everything. however, there's no fandom to speak of that i have been able to access, and so it's made for a very lonely reading experience.

what made up for it, though, was how truly genius the story was. it's one of the very few modern danmei i've read, and it circles around the world of Chinese journalism, uncovering news stories that end up shaking the narrative in such a brilliant way. the author is so smart, and i got to meet one of my most favorite fictional characters of the year, xing ming. he's cold, logical, and on the edge of frustrating when it comes to how little he cares for the consideration of his colleagues, which makes him cross lines that shake up the story even more.

the romance between him & yu zhongye was....absolutely perfect; i feel gobsmacked at how perfect this series was to me in all its flawed characters and a fractured society fueled by the media. so much of it felt really intense and the translation, even with the few grammatical errors it had, did a really good job sharing the author's intent with the volumes. i really loved this...

--. note: this is where the list gets a little blurry, as these next 4 are practically interchangeable. the #1 spot is the most solid. i'm obsessed with them all, and having them on this list is all that really matters .--

5. the scum villain's self-saving system (vol.2) - mò xiāng tóng xiù

thanks to the absolutely chaotic svsss fandom, i got even more attached to this series in the months after i had finished it. i feel very fond for this community of readers who were just as obsessed with mxtx's debut as i was, and with this volume, i hold it even more dearly.

it was very chaotic. despite only being in shen qingqiu's pov, i loved how the author managed to convey everyone else's emotions in the series of events that occur. i already said this in the mid-year freakout tag, but it made things so laughable yet also so fucking sad for sqq to see himself apart from everyone else as he comes from the "real world". those like luo binghe are only capable of following the script from the original story and so in all the times lbh chases after his shizun, it only inspires more fear & sadness in sqq knowing what happens in the story they're following.

to be fair for him, honestly, lbh doesn't make it any easy to think differently because of some of his stalking behavior, but again, the author was able to convey lbh's heartbreak so clearly in their interactions. i am a sucker for angst and so to see two characters who are basically having two different conversations without realizing it, it made this volume a standout for me.

also, svsss is my favorite mxtx novel, by the way.

4. king of death (folk, #3) - lily mayne

ash in his self-destruction era :')

his pov is what really turned the story for me because i had been with him since the first book, mortal skin. he had been through so much deception after already reeling over the grief of the parents that raised him.

he was tortured to the point of death in efforts to shed his human skin and make him become full fae. he was led to believe that the love of his life, lonan, had been the one to deal the killing blow to said parents. he loses his arm as he was fighting to run somewhere safe away from the unseelie realm due to the evil plans of lonan's mother. he finally met his birth mother, who turned out to be a just as sickening as she saw him as a curse from the moment of conception; she wanted nothing more than to sap all his power away that she saw as rightfully hers.

he's forced to kill an innocent to conceal his identity in a public affair. he recovers all his lost memories of lonan and is left reeling over all the interactions they shared where he couldn't even remember him. he's thrust with the title of king of seelie and all its obligations in the face of those who dealt with centuries of tyrannical rule under his birth mother.

and then now we get to this book!! where he clutches so badly to the one good & normal thing he has left in his life....lonan. it was like they existed in this bubble where it was just them two as it was in mortal skin, and it was exactly when ash started falling in love with him. reliving this feeling, of course ash would want to have them stick together; but lonan had his own obligations.

it got to the point where ash had all these excuses ready for why lonan should stay with him, so readily able to ignore signs that say otherwise, that the forests that serve as the bridge between the seelie & unseelie folk was rotting away. what once was something really light and a force of good with them staying together ended up almost becoming a thing of the past.

it was such a long road with this story, and so heartbreaking. i just loved how the author was so consistent in the development of ash's character journey, and there was almost a point where it felt like he was so close to falling off the edge, but his brother, nua, is who pulls him back. i will always be so thankful for nua's presence in this book; it did everything.

and i'm also just glad that at the end of all this angst and hardship, ash & lonan do make it through. it was a hard-won fought :')

my reading experience with this series started over a year and i'm just really happy to have loved this finale as much as i did. it feels like i've giving it a proper send-off.

---. i've unfortunately reached the stage where my energy is starting to dwindle. but now we've gotten to the top 3 and just to say, i'm glad that i found these stories and everything that was listed before.

3. the husky & his white cat shizun (vol.3) - rou bao bu chi rou

taxian-jun was really the star for me in this one. that's all.

”Mo Ran, wake up already. Wake up…”

“I am awake! I’m perfectly fucking awake! You’re the one who’s asleep! Are you blind?! Are you blind, Chu Wanning! …

“As far as you’re concerned, his life is a life, but mine counts for nothing. Is that it?!” In his fury, Mo Ran grabbed Chu Wanning’s hand and pressed it to his bloody wound.

“Didn’t you want to stop me? Here’s your chance; go on then, dig out my heart! Chu Wanning, why don’t you just dig out my fucking heart?!”

2ha, my beloved <3

2. remnants of filth (vol.2) - rou bao bu chi rou

here's a series of quotes that broke my heart:

Mo Xi thought, if only he could see straight in. If only he could cruelly tear this man apart, pierce him through--if only he could get a good look at the secrets in his bones, the currents in his blood, the filth in his soul. If he could see how dirty the man kneeling before him was, perhaps he'd let go of this persistent attachment.

.

Give me your hand. No matter how dirty you are, I will embrace you. No matter how much it hurts, I will stay with you. No matter how far it is, I will bring you home.

.

So much hatred, so much love, and so much agony. An agony worse than death.

i really look forward to volume three; it can't come soon enough. the story of mo xi and gu mang hurts a lot :')

1. the missing piece - kun yi wei lou

Their eyes met, and the world was silent. The start of spring had just passed. The weather was especially good that day, with no clouds in the sky for miles. But Ji Mingxuan seemed to feel that only now did the rain that had lingered in his heart truly stop.

(x).

[noctuo]

i have a lot of work to do in the next two months... my thesis and two draft articles...... and i keep thinking about my hot friend who i haven't seen since march and he's coming back to the netherlands in two weeks. and we've been texting on and off for the past seven months. chats are long, much like email chains.... it's weird. i didn't think i was going to stay in touch like that. he's an aquarius and an awful texter because his written english is not that good. and we roast each other sometimes. it's weird. i wish he'd stopped texting me or replying to my stories, sometimes i wish he'd just disappeared after he went traveling and ghosted me or something. i sometimes feel like ghosting him if this friendship is not gonna transcend. like right now it works because he's far away but once he's in NL then there is no excuse to not meet and if he doesn't reach out i think i will just... sort of burn that bridge. a friend of mine was saying that it's possible to just stay as friends and the crush will pass, but tbh i don't think so. he is chained to what he meant to me during those months we spent with each other. he will always mean company and fun times, and intimacy and finally someone who reciprocated my longing for connection. he never made me feel like my intensity was a bad thing, or never felt judged at all.... like this man was doing my groceries!!!!! we did everything together. that meant a lot to me and so it's hard to separate him from what he did for me, something i didn't even had with past boyfriends. it's hard to separate that. or maybe i will grow out of it. i wish he'd just stop talking to me or reaching out. i wish it was just me reaching out to him and him giving me the cold shoulder. but he keeps trying to talk to me......and i don't have the nerve to not reply, i'd feel very ungrateful. he doesn't deserve it, it's not his fault i have avoidant tendencies with friends lmao...

don't sink in me with your dog teeth we're better off if you let go.............

[oraclekleo]

Hey Kleo! How are you doing today? Anything interesting going on?

Hello!

Not much interesting, to be frank.

I haven't renewed my work contract so my old one ends at the end of May and after that I'm taking my well deserved free time which I was dreaming about since 2017 😂

Yes, it means being temporarily unemployed but I have been financially responsible for a long time and I can afford to take few months off and sort of rediscover what I really want or to just have a bit of fun for once. ✨

So yeah! That's gonna be exciting, I might try some new projects I wasn't confident about setting a sail while being tied up with job.

For now... I really want to try to voice chat with my friends as I usually just text. My written (or typed) English is decent, I think, but I don't really get an opportunity to actually talk English much. So that would be nice to practice a bit more. And I'm also interested in how my friends actually sound 😄

Still listening to that audio erotica, which is fun but nothing new at this point.

I'm slowly starting to work on my physique, too. I started to hula hoop again and walk on treadmill every other day for now, will increase the time in future.

Just yesterday I discovered few new kinks of mine while discussing with my friend on WhatsApp, which was surprising and fun and hot 😂

I'm really enjoying listening to old hits now, western music. I have made playlist on YouTube for my hula hooping with Ricky Martin, Prince, Tina Turner, NSYNC, Britney Spears, Anastacia, Eurythmics, Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, George Michael, Tom Jones and many more... So yeah, that's fun. Especially when I haven't seen most of those MVs before because when I listened to those, YouTube wasn't a thing back then 😂

Yeah... I'm not up to much of interesting stuff, only some very tiny things that make my life enjoyable. 😍

How about you? Any news on your end?

[ljbrary]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @anxiety-banana HEY AB ILY I'M SORRY I KNOW YOU TAGGED ME IN THIS A MONTH AGO SO THIS IS SO LATE BUT STILL

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

101,550

3. What fandoms do you write for?

right now ive been writing for the last of us but most of my fics are star wars (specifically most of them are the clone wars) and i have one six of crows fic

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

all of them are star wars fics

lean on me (but let me laugh, first)

don't fix it if it's not broken (but broken's only a point of view)

fill the hollow space with silence (and other words of comfort that aren't so comforting)

it's a process (you wouldn't understand)

it's not good grief (but it's better)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i think i get to most of them and i seriously try my best to but like i struggle with replying to even my texts irl and i have no concept of time at all (the adhd is adhd-ing unfortunately) but every single one literally makes my life

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i think either the love only lasts so long (the grief lasts longer, the guilt never leaves) or this silence hurts worse than the truth (if only you would tell it) which are quite literally the same exact situation just from different povs because i have never had an original thought in my life. it's post-mortis arc in the clone wars with anakin and ahsoka and the transparently trauma-shaped elephant in the room between them.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i honestly have no idea? so im just going to say my tlou fic statistically significant because although its bittersweet it ends with joel and ellie together and thats literally all i need to be happy at this point in my life.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no, but i probably should.

(that was a joke. but like if i did its fine bc i have 3 brothers who've already found my ao3 and bullied me for it so the hater would prob need to get real creative after all that lmao.)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

no

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

no i dont have the executive functioning skills necessary to plan one of those out but they sound interesting.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

guys my fics aren't that good. if someone stole it they'd just return it no worries.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no i haven't but that would be sick.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

like ab said in her post, ab, ash, and i tried but it just never came to fruition but it was a fun attempt

also my older brother and i when we were younger tried to write a percy jackson fic together.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

i like found family more than romantic stuff, but if i have to choose definitely percabeth because they are the reason i have unrealistic expectations in life.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

ALL OF THEM IM SO BAD AT FINISHING THEM

16. What are your writing strengths?

thats so funny lmfao

okay but self deprecation aside idk maybe like imagery or metaphors sometimes? also apparently writing emotion ig? my english teacher in high school told me i was good at the psychological aspect of understanding a character and their actions/emotions but i don't know man

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

for starters, starting. im supremely bad at starting things. i always struggle with intros/the beginning of writing pieces. and i struggle with plotting/planning things. i also am incapable of writing genuine dialogue, every conversation i write sounds so disjointed and awkward. i also tend to focus too much on the introspective aspect of characters and forget about that irrelevant little thing called a "plot."

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i made up my own language for a few star wars fics and it was so atrocious that i can't even bring myself to reread them again so i think i'll be staying away from that one for a little while.

however if i was smart or savvy enough to pull it off i would totally do it that would be sick.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

percy jackson when i was 10 years old on wattpad. my older brother and i co-wrote the fic and then i made my friend at school edit it on the computers in the library. still have yet to live that one down.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

weighted words hurt more than loaded fists (if you know how to use them) i have a soft spot for it even though it's one of my least popular fics in terms of like hits and kudos. its just a found family (shocker, i know) modern/foster care au with rex and ahsoka. i like the imagery, metaphors, and just the vibes overall.

okay leaving this open to anyone who wants to do it!!

[verybluefeelings]

Nov. 18- Kaleidoscope Cafè

Welcome back :) it's been a while since I've written anything here even in my journals too. Ever since I took my multi-genre English class I stopped writing anything. In general, even to write down how I'm feeling on the daily which is important to keep updating yourself instead of shutting off your feelings. Maybe that's why I've been feeling disconnected from reality. I swear it's been months that I feel like I've been dissociating and I'm aware of it but for some reason I can't seem to get out of it. I wish I can get out of it I just want to feel like myself again. Kinda been feeling unsure of who I am. That's why I haven't been texting my friends in months. I miss them so much. I've been wanting to text them months ago but my dissociation was worse at that time and it is still bad now but at least now I'm becoming aware of it. My goal now is to get out of it. I stopped doing any of my assignments for both of my classes. Like I legit just gave up. Before I would panic and become overwhelmed when an assignment was due soon but then now I legit don't feel anything.

I should be panicking right now. I should be worried right now. But I don't feel anything. I know I'm going to fail my classes this semester but why don't I feel anything. If I fail that means I'll have to retake the classes again to replace them with a better grade. It also means that I'll be another year or two behind. Maybe three years it depends because since I've been avoiding applying for FAFSA for months I have to pay for my classes that I take every semester but since I have no job and no money I can't pay for it. So that means I won't be getting my AA and transferring to a UC until I'm 25, 26 or 27 which that makes me feel embarrassed because it should just take two years to get your AA. But since I can only take 2 classes per semester and I can't handle taking 4 classes or more it is going to take me longer. Then that means I won't be getting my bachelor's degree until I'm close to my 30's. I don't know why I've been thinking about my future too much. Maybe that's why I'm dissociating because I don't want to feel anything when I think about the future. Usually I get a lot of anxiety when I do think about the future too much. I really didn't know that being an adult would be this hard. Why didn't god make me an academic student from the beginning. I could've been attending a UC right now or at least be close to graduating from one.

I'm still stuck in the same place. I want to change my life but I don't know how. I don't know where to begin. I compare myself too much to other people who have their shit together and I make myself feel bad and I make that feeling stay with me instead of not caring about it and letting it go. Will I ever be successful in the future? Am I ever going to make myself and my family proud of me? Why can't I be an overachiever? Why can't I retain any information when I study or do readings? Will I ever graduate from a university? Why is it taking a long time to get there? Is it my fault?

[cigarettestreetlight]

This!!

I didn't read A Woman of No Importance until like 3 months ago, after finishing high school and college, and haven't seen an actual production of it yet. That being said, my senior year in hs I took an AP Lit course and I adored it (English has always been one of my favorite classes, tied with science). For part of that we had to read Hamlet. Reading Shakespeare in general tends to be difficult for students, at least in my experience. Regardless, I did enjoy Hamlet and it ended up being my favorite book that we read in that class. Still, there was a lot of confusion.

And then we watched the movie. Like we spent a week watching the full 4 hour long movie that goes word for word from the original text, and I loved it so much more then! Partially from the opening scene in the movie (it was hilarious), but also it was so so helpful. And funny! All the jokes I missed before, scenes where I didn't know what was going on, the parts with Hamlet "feigning" insanity.

I can't speak to whether we should have watched it before or after we read the play as I personally wouldn't have minded either way (I still would have loved it I think), but the movie helped to better set the scene. Not just the physical setting, but the tone of the lines, the facial expressions and body language, if there's a palpable tension between characters or sense of comfort. Seeing plays actually being performed is so important to the story. Isn't that why they're written as plays rather than a novel?

I did an accidental experiment this summer and it really opened my eyes to how we should be experiencing plays as literature. We should be watching them, as intended.

Part of my summer ‘reading’ list was the four drawing room plays by Oscar Wilde. I listened to three of them on LibriVox but my podcast app didn’t have A Woman of No Importance. So I read it. I loved it, but I had a hard time keeping track of all the characters.

Then I found the LibriVox audio version. I loved it more. I could keep track of everyone better. It was a much more rich experience.

Then I found a free version of the play on YouTube. It was professionally done and that is the first time I realized, oh, these people are getting drunk and having affairs off-stage. What didn’t come through either reading or listening was how often people leave and enter the stage as the night goes on (the play takes 24 hours and covers a late night house party). Also how confused they are all getting. It was there all along, the characters had lines, but until I heard and saw, I didn’t get it. I did not understand the whole play.

It just made me think, why do we insist that kids must read Shakespeare at school? I came out thinking that reading was somehow the superior medium, but that is wrong for plays. Plays are meant to be acted! We are meant to hear the intonation of the actors and watch them move around. With plays, reading is the medium that is lesser. Even when we read aloud, we couldn’t really do it properly as teenagers encountering the text for the first time. 

No wonder so many of us hated it!

[heavenlycreatures]

(since you asked for people to vent about their crushes) i have such a crush on my friend and i've never had a crush on someone for so long without telling them and i REALLY want to but i also hate long distance relationships and bc of covid it would be like that ANYWAY they're so interesting and they laugh at my jokes when we are in discord group calls together even when nobody else does and oh my god yesterday i was scrolling back through my photo gallery and i found a video of us in september 2018 and theres this one part where the cameras a little too close to them and they're like leaning into me and looking up at the camera and i nearly melted watching that again like how did i not just fall right then and there how did it take me so long to realize i like them ?? i'm about 80% sure they like me too, bc sometimes they say things that are like. very flirty. and i don't think that's how they act around other friends. like one time they sent me a bubbline fanart (we often compare ourselves to them) and bubblegum was kissing the top of marcelines head or something, idk it was a few days ago and my memory is dying with every passing day, anyway i was like "i wish I had a gf to kiss the top of their head" and they were like "i'm right here smh" and i may have shortcircuited a little bit but yeah they always seem to enjoy when i increase the levels of flirtiness in my texts so yes anyway they're also really interesting and i think i might've said that earlier but they really are and they like so many cool things and appreciate the beauty in everything and their opinions on important things like morals and politics are just chefs kiss mwah!! they're romantic in the perfect way and they're so funny when they actually speak up and they're often quiet which isn't a bad thing i love quieter people bc i have really bad social anxiety and my last two partners have both been loud extroverts who often drew attention in public which was not fun. but yeah i remember when me and my crush used to see each other every day back in pre-march 2020 there were lots of comfortable silences i love that they can sit in silence with me and it isn't uncomfy. i wish i hadn't taken all that time together for granted. they're so thoughtful. their mind is wonderful. everytime i remember they're non-binary i just !!!!!!! YES me too ugh our minds

aaaah the way you talk about ur crush is just so so cute, they sound very wonderful indeed!! i got so happy reading this message, crushing on someone is a very exciting feeling ^^ this person rly seems to have a positive impact on your life c: also the fact that you compare yourselves to bubbline is so sweet ;u; in my opinion you should definitely tell them how you feel at some point! i know it can be scary but honestly what do you have to lose? :’) and by your description i very much think they could have some romantic feelingz for u too ! ldr relationships can be quite tough (i’m in one currently) but they are still manageable and me and my boyfriend talk lots on discord when we can’t see each other for longer periods of time. so i wouldn’t let the dislike for being in a long distance relationship keep you from confessing your feelings, things may work out fine in the end :+) i’m rooting for you and wishing you all the best! xx (if you ever tell them, you can always come to gush about it to me haha! <3 i’m such a sucker for all kinds of romantic stuff i know :p) tell me about yr crush/lover on anon!!

[myriadimagines]

Oh god, men who are saying we misinterpret... 😂 Brought me a funny memory.

When I first had a irl crush 7.5 years ago, I actually came forward to him (he was my classmate) and told him I really like him/said it straight to his face that I have a big crush on him because we had had fun together and for example, he always waited for me at the train station when I came to school and literally RAN to me when I got out of the train and he always wanted to walk with me back to the class after lunch etc so my friends told me to go for it and see what happens. He got super confused, but the next day he messaged me being like "I'm sorry for getting confused yesterday. But I have feelings for you too."

Well we had a very nice time for a couple of months which included a lot of staring, blushing and smiling at each other and goofing together and having Facebook messaging with stuff like "I missed you at lunch ❤️" from him (after I couldn't go to school because train operators were on a strike) and EVERYONE IN OUR SMALL SCHOOL SHIPPED US, students and teachers and even the school cleaning lady, they called us JJ because his name also began with J 😂 (there was about 30 people total in our school) And my teacher told me afterwards that he saw that there's something going on between us and purposefully paired us for assignments etc.

Then my crush apparently developed a crush on our class assistant (at least that's what it looked like) and shortly after that he sent me a very frustrated toned message claiming that his sister had written that message to me where he confessed he has feelings for me too, and I had just misinterpreted all that cute behavior and wanted me to stop talking with him. 😅 Yeaaaaah right. So his sister apparently took over his body too and he couldn't help it????

I guess that was a psychological kick to my gut because I haven't been crushing on anyone real since that one.

I saw him at a pizza place 2.5 years ago on his birthday btw and he just stared at me and I just tried so hard to keep my face static so I wouldn't show that I recognized him... I don't know what he was doing here because everyone is like "where the frick is that???" when I tell them where I live and then J just appears at the local pizza place on his birthday??? He lives 70 kilometers away from me in a city so I doubt he came all the way here just to eat pizza 😂 This place literally doesn't have anything else than that, two small grocery stores, a small gym and pharmacy.

Just telling you this for peer support and maybe for laughs 😅

JENNI PLSSSSSSSSSS omg first of all i am so sorry men are so confusing and this is just such a prime example sakjdhsajk but also this is almost the same as what happened to me and this guy???? im putting this under the cut bc its so long and messed up BAHHAHA

granted we never explicitly confessed feelings for one another but we would hang out at school all the time, sit next to each other on the bus (AND HE’D LET ME REST MY HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER) and he lives like 2 streets behind my house so he’d walk me home and everything. he’d get weird when i hung out with other guys and would incessantly tease me about it to the point where i was just like ok maybe i shouldn’t. and i ended up going over to his house all the time because we were studying for our exams together but we’d just watch tv and lay on the couch and talk. i met his dad and even my mom asked if we were dating and our english teacher also asked my friend after we all graduated if we got together and it makes me scream!!!!! but then right when we graduated he started dating another girl in our class (i had to find out from mutual friends which was so shitty akjsdhaksd bc he never talked about it with me, even long after i found out). and i was like damn that sucks but whatever, i never told him how i felt. but we still kept in touch and when i moved away for college he hugged me and told me how much he’d miss me, and i just start to move on bc we obviously cant get together. 

fast forward to a semester into college, he’s messaging me all the time about how he misses me and asking when i’ll be back, i come home for break, and its radio silence. dude doesn’t message me until the end of break where he asks to hang out, and i find out later that the day he asked to hang out was the day after his girlfriend left to go back to college. we hang out, i leave to go back to college, and we text for a bit more before he stops talking to me completely. we don’t talk for like a year and a half and i find out it’s because he girlfriend didnt want him talking to me anymore and he freaking deleted my number. 

we somehow get back in touch through our mutual friend but he’s still with his girlfriend and whenever we hang out he lies to her about where he is. im super uncomfy and debating if i should cut him out bc i dont like him sneaking around his gf like that for no reason since we’re just friends. but at this point he starts getting weird and affectionate and telling me he wants to go to nyc to visit me, and always randomly asking me if i have a boyfriend. he gets on my case all the time about not replying to his texts fast enough and eventually he hits me with the whole ‘i love you so much’ situation after he got a good grade in his exam and was sharing it with me (which is so weird bc why would u say that while celebrating your grade). at that point i start really distancing myself, and eventually stop talking until recently :)

his gf even reached out to me to talk the whole situation through but honestly they’ve both got issues and im terrified of them both. 

i recognise my own part in this situation about sneaking behind his gf’s back but i just.................................................................. it was a lot. 

[whats-the-story-tc]

7th of June, 2019

"The One with the Conversation"

[tw for anxiety]

Hiya, guys! I hope you all get to rest in the winter break, and celebrate, if you do Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Yule or anything of the sort. Anyway, today, I really started missing V, so here are some old stories I randomly remembered, that I thought I should tell you guys. This will be part one, there's another story like this incoming.

June 7th, ordinary day, near the end of school year, summer, fun. Everything's ace. Except for... that conversation. You see, about a week prior, we had to write this essay for V on "what it means to be human for me". And, after a long debate with myself, I chose to include my issues with anxiety and depression, as they're a pretty big part of my human experience. When I got it back, graded, I saw only a little question written next to the paragraph. "What's the story?" That's where the URL comes from.

On the 7th, after class is when I decided to tell her my story. I'll just quote the texts I sent to my friends, so you'll get the hang of what happened, because I don't think present day me could tell you more accurately than that.

To Pocketwatch Friend, translated from my native tongue:

"I hate when people feel sorry for me. And I know V will never say she feels sorry for me but I saw it. I forgot that those who love literature are some of the most emotional people, even if they don't show it. I didn't want help or pity, that's not why I wrote what I wrote. I wanted a civilised, mature discussion with a mature person I trust. And even though this was mature, I think half of it was just us trying to read the other's reaction."

"I didn't want her to think, I didn't want her to help, because if I don't help myself, we can't achieve anything, not even if a whole school stands behind me. I just wanted a chat. Of course I can't blame her or myself, it just went to shit..."

"And then she asks me if [our homeroom teacher] knows. Fuck, that poor woman would go into a cardiac arrest if I told her about this 🤡"

I didn't have to. She saw me break down. I had a serious anxiety attack in church the week after, on the last day of school. So I guess, she found out either way. But whatever. Remember what V asked me here. It's gonna be important later.

"I understand her reactions, but this isn't really what I was hoping for. She said goodbye to me saying that she will be thinking about this a lot. Then fucking think, but this isn't what I wanted! Of course everyone would be shocked at first, but..."

Then I went on rambling. Yeah. Pretty intense, isn't it? But doesn't contain some of the more important details I only remembered hours later.

Here's what I told my other friend, but only the things I didn't already talk about (direct quote, as we speak English w/ each other):

"I have [told her I don't need help]! And while she said it's a noble thing that I want to solve it all on my own, I have to be careful not to fall ill because of the weight of it. I told her it already happened, but I did pull myself back in Paris [long story]. Plus I got out of social anxiety on my own! If I could do that, I can do this too. I told her this as well."

"We also spoke about my inability to concentrate. [V in red, me in black.] "Despite that fact, you still do quite well in class." "Most of it is luck." *smile* "Do you think luck is all there is to it?" "Of course not. But a large part of it." "

So, yeah. Classic me, I could only remember the positive bits later, once I've vented the negative out (and went to this school-organised event, a kind of ball that afternoon to hang out with my friends). The texts to Pocketwatch Friend are from about 2 PM-ish, where the experience was still fresh, and the other two from around 10 PM.

We could say this is one of the main things that shaped my relationship with V. I mention us analysing each other's reactions, but really, we had never been more open. Me with everything I said, and her with the concerned eyes. She is really expressive with her gazes, that's why I talk about them so much. When she's concerned for you, you know it. It's evident. That's why the blog's title is "All the little ways she cares".

The other one... the quiet compliment, in that last one. She knows I'm smart, has known since day one. I remember texting my friend after my first lesson with her and saying "okay guys, I'm sure our middle school English teacher told her about me". She spoke about this grammar-related rule thing, and asked the people who understand it to raise their hands. Nobody did, as far as I remember. And V deadass said "I know Specs wants to raise her hand." I was baffled. How on Earth could she possibly know that, we haven't said a word to each other before!

But, to be fair, during that time I still called her "fox woman" behind her back, a silly nickname my classmates gave her in middle school because of her dyed red hair and many fox accessories (and, to be fair, her sharp facial features), as I didn't have enough respect for her yet to drop it. That only came about a month later. But that's a story for another post.

~ S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]