#haven't felt so actively suicidal since new year's.

[dyingnights]

i really dont think i can do this anymore.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would I be the asshole for asking my suicidal girlfriend not to vent with me? First ask here, be warned for heavy topics about the above situation. Putting an emoji for easy finding. 🦐

I am a polyamorous person (22nb) with my long distance girlfriend (22f) of about 1 year. I love her deeply, and we have known each other for a long time when I used to go to school in person with her. I also have an in person queer platonic partner (22nb) who lives with me currently and has been with me for about 3 years. Both of my partners are suicidal and self harm, though the partner who is living with me has luckily seemed to improve a lot through being able to spend time with someone who cares for them constantly. My girlfriend...sadly has not gotten the same chance, since she moved long before we got together and has only her family to keep her stable (who have proven before this point that they are pretty terrible support systems, when they actively encouraged her self harming to become worse).

Luckily, I have had this rodeo before due to a majority of my friends struggling with this sort of problem, and when she began saying things in my dms that pointed towards depression and suicidality, I was quick to try to help her get into therapy. Whether or not this therapist is really the best is sort of iffy, as the therapist hasn't worked with her on a lot despite over a month of them working together, so...she hasn't gotten much work towards helping to change things and has felt somewhat stuck. I know she needs to probably get a new therapist, but due to not having insurance at the moment it's not an easy situation to just change. Since things have not gotten to improve, she...has still felt horrible most days will come to me in DMs to tell me how bad it is. Which, you know, should be fine, but it's the *way* she talks about it-- it's in a very vent heavy, far too much triggering information, Everything Is Horrible and there is no way to fix it and I should Die, way.

I have learned boundaries in regards to my own mental health due to just how often I have encountered things, and luckily, my other partner is great about it! They don't talk about their issues with suicidality all that much which can make me worried at times, but when they *do*, it's very much a situation of them bringing up how they feel and then us moving forwards to do something distracting or something that will help them. Instead of an info dump of Horrible Information That Makes Me Fear For Their Life, it's just. Moving to make sure they're doing better and changing things, identifying why certain feelings are feeling bad. But with my girlfriend, these topics come on suddenly without warning, are spoken in such a way that I feel like 1. I can't move on or change anything to help 2. I don't have a way to respond that will end up doing anything but make her feel worse. I feel at a complete loss of how to handle these things that she's just throwing on me. I haven't mentioned yet to her how bad these ventings make me feel because I'm worried it would make her internalize it and worsen her issues, though I know I do probably need to communicate it with her. I feel that she may just not be quite as mature as my other partner in how to handle feelings like this yet(most likely due to lack of support systems), and I WANT her to be able to talk about her feelings. I'm her girlfriend, after all, a little bit of emotional labor is always going to be a part of supporting people that close to you. Just...not in a way that will end up ultimately making both me and her feel like shit, and get her in a worse direction than before.

She eventually will be moving in with us next year, and I am wondering if I should try to wait to talk about it until then when she has more of a support to lean against, or should I try to figure it out right now. Right now could leave her...hurt and much more vulnerable, which would be a real risk considering the scenario. Would I be the asshole for telling her that she needs to work on how she talks about these topics, and that I can't have her continuing to put her emotions on me like this?

What are these acronyms?

[go-go-devil]

top 5 soulsborne NPCs... OTHER than patches. and top 5 games you hope to play next year!

Honestly I can't answer the second one since my autism is too unpredictable with when it allows me to actually sit down and play a new game, but I've got PLENTY of soulsborne npcs I'd love to gush about (besides the legend himself) so let's get to it!

Solaire:

May as well get the obvious out of the way lol. There's honestly SO MUCH going on with Solaire's character and motivations that goes far beyond the reasons he's usually so beloved. Yes, he's a genuine ray of sunshine willing to go out of his way to help us in such a desolate, cruel world, has a extremely pleasing/memorable design + wonderful voice acting, and is canonically bisexual. Obviously there's a lot to love from all of his surface level interactions.

...But he's also far more complex than simply being a nice person! He's a regular human devoting himself to an impossible mission solely for his own sake, and his doubts and desperation over it hits me so hard, especially in his regular ending T_T. I always found this quest to find his sun to be a metaphor for self-discovery as a means of fighting back against depression. I think Solaire knows fully well how terrible this dying world has become and has possibly even lived a bad life considering how happy he was to become undead and travel to Lordran, using his quest as a means of staving off the dread in his soul before it turns toward any suicidal inclinations.

No I'm not being edgy. I truly think all of this is intentional to his character, much like how I think the entirety of DS1's view on hollowing is a metaphor for depression and/or barring oneself from the world vs. actively opening up to it. That's why it's so important to support our grossly incandescent friend and Praise the Sun! ☀️

Griggs & Laurentius:

Decided to put them together since they're both very similar characters in my eyes.

I've found (on this site at least) that these two are often overlooked compared to most other DS1 characters, and honestly that's a damn shame since they've got so much to offer outside of their very useful magic teachings. For starters they're both sad, pathetic men who immediately love you for saving them from their own embarrassing predicaments which I think more games need for their male npcs lol. In all seriousness though, I always felt the game did a great job giving them so much character in each of their interactions; both in how close they grow to you and in how much they care about their respective crafts of magic. The pair also have similarly sad stories regarding what they lack, with Griggs's incredibly low sense of self-worth when he compares himself to Logan and Laurentius having always been an outcast even in his own community.

What I'm saying is that they're both much deeper (and also more tragic) characters than I feel they're given credit for, and I wish the rest of fandom would talk more about them.

Mephistopheles:

Sometimes a character doesn't have to be super deep for me to love them. Sometimes they can simply be an incredibly evil woman with a deep voice and great design who manipulates you until finally betraying you when you least expect it. 🐍⚜️🖤

With Mephistopheles I can actually understand why not too many soulsborne fans talk about her since she's probably the most obscure character in the entirety of Demon's Souls: one who requires you to have a pure black character tendency (which requires you killing non-hostile npcs to get) in order to even see her. As of now I haven't had the guts to try her questline yet, but I do plan on it trying it for my next DeS playthrough because holy hell is she hot- uh, I mean really a interesting character! Even though I said earlier I don't think she's as deep as several other npcs in the game, she's still a character with a lot of juicy lore surrounding the organization she runs and her choice of manipulating people into killing her targets instead of getting her hands dirty herself.

Also I fucking hate her Remake design oh my god it's so fucking bad I just wanna throw up everywhere what the fuck were they thinking T_T

Lucatiel:

My favorite character from DS2 (with Straid and Ornifex following very close behind), and of course she's basically just that game's Solaire equivalent with a gender bending design. My tastes are so predictable lol.

Besides her INCREDIBLE design and amazing voice acting, I feel out of all the npcs she does the best job at conveying this game's theme of connecting hollowing to identity. She comes into this land with so little regard for herself and already suffering early memory loss from the slow hollowing she's going through, and but unlike the other npcs (who are actually affected by the curse in any way) we have the chance to save her through our cooperation and going out of our way to engage with and get to know her. In this sense I see her as the reverse of Solaire's quest and honestly wish future soulsborne characters played around with the series' character tropes as well as she did.

Also she's trans. It's canon and I accept no criticism for saying this ;-)

Greirat:

I haven't finished DS3 yet but oh my soul do I love this little thieving rat man so much <3<3<3

I'm almost too afraid to say more yet since I haven't finished his questline and thus technically haven't fully absorbed him as a character yet. So far though he's done so much to endear me to him! His questline with the blue tearstone ring and overall connection to the Undead Settlement gets me soooooo emotional, as does his withered voice and charming demeanor despite all the horrors he's had inflicted on him and his few loved ones.

And of course that's not even getting into how a certain other npc interacts with him during his questline, but I cannot say any more since you specified not to mention him this time despite how much it PAINS me not to. All I'll say is that I am beyond disappointed in most of this fandom for sleeping on these two characters' relationship with each other -_-

[burinazar]

[some brief suicide ideation mentions in this post] for those kind of newer to the ebilxperience, my mental health has been way waaaay better since like late 2021 to now than it has for most of my life up to that point (people who followed me before then might remember some...intense sadposting). I just haven't really felt...too super bad very often. I feel bad sometimes but not so bad I wanted to die, which used to be a regular problem. The episodes of intense suicide ideation in response to feelings of wasted potential or the inevitability of feeling isolation from other human beings just sort of stopped happening. I would chalk all of this up to unknowable brain chemistry, by the way, and not any external causes I've been able to identify.

At the time that this changed, what also became clear was the inability to get shit done that we had all just thought was depression did not go away when my depression magically cleared itself out of the way. I still kind of really sucked at getting shit done. This is what ultimately enabled the late-ass-and-i'm-still-not-entirely-convinced-im-not-somehow-faking-it ADHD diagnosis from my psych who was like Oh. Actually That Tracks. The things I'm not good at making myself do largely extend to anything that both involve a risk of rejection/hurt feelings, anything that requires some believe I personally 'deserve it' (job apps, asking for references), and things that don't have built-in accountability/deadlines (funny stupid example: i'll do a job app for sure if someone I know referred me to the position and is going to be aware/disappointed if I don't submit it, because that too is a form of fearing rejection! so oops, i hacked my rejection anxiety into making myself take a risk).

As you can imagine a lot of career related and interpersonal activities, as well as various day to day life tasks, fall into a combo of these things. I haven't really been able to fix that and by objective life milestone measures continue to underachieve in both career stuff and interpersonal relationships. But...it hasn't gotten me down for the past couple years, and the biggest reason is I've been able to get a lot of joy out of my art and writing during this time period.

And this....allows me to...kind of avoid having to look at how unfulfilling those areas are. But I really need to...face it.

Because I've become more and more aware that there are people, ones around my general age range, ones who may face similar Brain Issues or corresponding obstacles, that do go and find self fulfillment in more than one of these fronts. I actually got super sad about this last night for the first time in ages cuz I heard from someone who has a lot of interests in common with me but was finding fulfillment on multiple fronts, creative *and* interpersonal *and* career.

And maybe it's greedy of me to want it, but god, the life where I get to do all my silly creative bullshit/wrting/art/pet ownership but *miraculously, also, somehow* have a job and career that I don't feel conflicted and unhappy and 'i never really tried to make my dreams manifest' about, and am able to make new friendships and like date and stuff, I...do think I want that for myself and have been denying both that desire and the fact I might have the potential to achieve it.

idk this is kind of nothing but tl;dr i'm gonna start trying again and just wanted to ramble about it on tungus for a sec

[yoiku]

I really don't know how I feel about going back to FFXIV with DT dropping soon. (putting this under a read more due to some depression talk)

I still very much love the game in my mind and have kept up with what i think is the majority of news, but I have not logged in since jan/feb of 2022. Basically maxed out my crafting&gathering professions after endwalker main story and since then I haven't been able to bring myself to resub. Well, For a lot of it I also haven't had the time or money either but i have been thinking the entire time that i'll go back after the initial rush with Dawntrail launch has calmed down. Now I don't know anymore. As much as I loved the conclusion of thing with endwalker, I think I played it at a very bad time and my mind keeps connecting the game to that time now. I was suicidal around the time EW launched and the story resonated a bit too much with me at the time, so much so that I doubt I'll ever be able to replay it. I loved it but it also became what feels like a straight link to how bad i felt about myself and life while i was playing through it. And i think because of how anxious I was at the time as well really did a number on my already frail self-esteem when it comes to doing any kind of group gaming. The trust system is handy for that but I would rather play mmos with people than npcs. At the same time just the thought of queueing to a roulette turns my stomach a little too much. So I'm feeling pretty conflicted. DT seems like a nice fresh and a lighter start before likely delving into another heart wrenching story arc later, so part of me is still looking forward to try it. At the same time I feel like going back to the game might make me feel worse again. Part of me wants to roll a new character entirely but I know I don't have the time or will power for that again. I miss having any kind of social gaming circle to be an active part of. Well, I miss having more social interaction in my life in general but I'm too afraid of feeling like I'm alone in a group again. that sucks even more than just being alone as it is when you got the ol' depresso stuck in your brain. I dunno, maybe I need to get therapy before I give any of that a try again. (at least the progress on that has been moving along this year) I definitely feel like this is entirely a me problem after all. How I wish they sold self-esteem or confidence somewhere, I still haven't figured out how to find any of that within myself.

[khashanakalashtar]

A few months ago I would've reblogged this with no addition, maybe left a #felt or #mood in the tags, but in the meantime I've had my meds switched out.

The thing I was on before was great at making me not suicidal, I was on it for like seven years, I would have told you I loved it. The first sign that it had stopped working?

Was not being slightly dissociated literally all the time. Which was leaps and bounds a better place to be than miserable, but I had straight up believed real wonder and awe were something I had simply grown out of. I did not think I was capable of those emotions anymore, the kind that lets you stare at a grasshopper and go, "fuck, this EXISTS, look at it!" The mindful kind. If anything, I thought those were emotions reserved for people not living in a world falling to pieces around them, people who had real-life friends and partners and job satisfaction, people who made it to the gym and took walks and ate well-rounded meals.

My meds stopped working and I got back highs and lows, both, I got back wonder and awe and feeling alive and I got back lying in bed using all of my strength not to hurt myself. A whole range of emotions I thought I didn't have anymore.

The first thing they tried me on muted the highs and lows again, but it did nothing for my executive function, and I straight up told my psychiatrist, the amount of sugar I'm having to eat to get myself to do anything is not sustainable. Honestly I could probably handle the bad days if I could function on the in-between days, but I can't make dinner or take a shower or get through a workday without eating handfuls of chocolate, even if my mood feels fine. And I pointed out to my psych: My old medication was a dopamine/norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. So she switched me to something with epinephrine in it.

Y'all, someday is now.

Someday I'll read this book, someday I'll paint that picture, someday I'll start job hunting, someday I'll schedule an eye doctor appointment--it's now. I'm doing it. I can do it.

I read a YA novel in one sitting. I haven't pulled that shit since high school. I can do more than one thing in a day now. I've scheduled like four things, done the household chores before they started gaining sentience, tried to visit the cobbler and an art exhibit, gotten my mother's Christmas gift, refilled my meds, made serious progress on three pieces of art, applied for several jobs, read that book, planned my Halloween costume, and voted within, like, the last week.

Because, now? I can decide to do a thing and just do it. There's minimal arguing with myself. It doesn't take effort to move from the "fine I'll do it" stage to actually doing it.

I keep cycling through a couple repeating thoughts. "Is this what it's like to be neurotypical?" "It was never supposed to be this hard?" "I've actually been disabled for my entire adult life, in the legal sense of significantly impairing my ability to do things in several areas of my life and not just the 'mental illness counts' sense?"

And also, "Every time I thought, 'Is this really all there is?' the answer was no?"

It's not perfect. Brain still requires more rest than I want it to. Couldn't leave the house today, or spend the daytime working on art or applications, but I took a shower and did the laundry, including the ironing, and that's more than I usually get out of days like this.

(And you know what, it's a lot easier to get exercise or eat balanced meals or clean your shower before it molds or do activism if you don't have to fight yourself about it for hours. It's like the opposite of a negative spiral. It's easier to maintain friendships and develop new ones and consider career paths and find things that give you joy and purpose.)

You know how we're always telling suicidal teens that they don't know what their life is going to be like yet, that they can't begin to imagine how different adulthood is going to be and the person they're going to become? I think we need to stop forgetting that this applies to every stage of life to some degree. Teenage Kieran had no idea what life was like, because they had only experienced a piece of it, but early 20s Kieran and late 20s Kieran also had no idea what life was like, and they would never have believed Kieran today existed. I can only assume that I still have no idea what life is like in my 30s and 40s and after. The idea that "you never know what the future might hold" has actual meaning to me now.

I don't want to imply that all of you just need to get on better meds, I know that's not the answer or even feasible for everyone. I just want people to know that it isn't a platitude when I say you never know what the future might hold. You might get to practically-30 and have the hopeless grind of a life that you can't look too far in the future of without depressing yourself suddenly look like an opportunity.

Also that "not actively suicidal" is a fine first goal for an antidepressant, but maybe don't stay on it for seven years without at least considering raising your standards.

Someday might come.

i thought my suicidal late teens were the hardest years of my life but nothing could’ve prepared me for my 20s waking up everyday with no purpose, feeling so lost, unable to keep up with friendships, watching everyone move on with relationships and careers and being unable to catch up. and I’m such a “life is not a race” type of person but damn I’m losing so hard rn

[charlesherbertlightoller]

So since I've been decidedly less than actively engaged on here than I used to, perhaps my mutuals would like a life update. Well, unfortunately, there's nothing all that great to tell anyone about. In fact looking back, it's finally dawning on me that, despite the positive developments, 2024 has been the absolute worst and wasteful year of my life. I mean…

January – Discovered that I'm allergic to bananas and honey now.

February – Remembered that I attempted suicide round this time in 2020 and am still disappointed I didn't succeed; had a fight with my mom and decided to finally begin the process of moving out this year.

March – Feeling guilty about getting top surgery done on International Women's Day. Suffered a horrific attack of peripheral neuropathy a week post-op (more on that later).

April – Most likely caught COVID for the first time ever, though I was never tested so I can never be sure if it was It or just a bad cold; ironically, nobody else in the house got sick except me. Shortly after, fought with Mom again and left home permanently this time.

May – Month of Madness; started Wellbutrin and spiralled into the worst mental state I've ever been in in my life, with severe anxiety attacks, paranoia and psychosomatic symptoms (including what felt like a heart attack!). I might have been accidentally overdosing, too, since I was taking two extended release pills every day. Hospitalized thrice, called the EMTs at least 6 times. Even after detoxing, my legs would shake uncontrollably at times. Also had an ovarian cyst that blew (I went in assuming it was appendicitis) and it legit felt like I was dying. Learned that nobody cares about COVID anymore (my family included) and it's only getting worse, so I can't pursue a normal job if I want to stay safe.

June – Internalized Homophobia Month

July – Month of Madness 2. Had another fight with my mom, then got into a bike accident. Both my arms were practically useless for weeks on end, my right arm especially, even though nothing was broken. Dislocated my left shoulder on my birthday because I was using it to compensate for my right arm. The peripheral neuropathy and anxiety attacks were back, too; this was how I finally learned that I'm allergic to Tylenol, and I started getting better immediately after stopping it. Finally realized that my mom is a narcissist after our fight.

August – Vacation to Slovenia was cancelled. COVID scare, though thankfully I was negative. Keep fighting with my mom/coming to terms with the fact that she's a narcissist who's been emotionally abusing me for years, and that I just need to accept that she'll never change and I need to cut ties before it's too late. Otherwise did absolutely nothing this month.

September – Turns out huffing paint fumes from your staining project is bad for you! Who would have thought!? At least I got paid though, because I need to find a new healthcare provider after my plan changed. Starting to wonder if I have brain damage from either the Wellbutrin or possible COVID case in April, because I haven't felt normal since January. Also my dad is planning to take me to an immersive exhibition centred round my special interest…during the middle of the worst COVID wave in years, and I'll likely be the only person masking there.

Needless to say, I can only anticipate what will happen next this year with the utmost dread and preemptive disappointment as my world grows smaller by the day. I doubt I'll ever make a full comeback to any sort of social media in spite of it.

[existotherwise]

Wednesday, July 17, 2024 6:54pm

I promise I'm not being dramatic. I don't think anyone really cares for me, or maybe I haven't allowed them to really love me other than in person or over the phone, and any admiration I had stirred years ago, when I was more active, has dried up due to an infrequent presence online.

I'm at one of the worst places in my life thus far, and almost everyone I've developed attachment to over the years has frankly disposed of me, as in factual evidence and not a flare of drama.

I could sit staring at the walls and letting my time blindness unfold into the infinite void of the present, but I try to only feel the ocean waves pummeling my corporeal spirit when consented.

Since top surgery, I've felt more myself than ever before. I took time away in the woods over the winter to allow myself to fully embrace my new range of embodiment. I felt more myself when I was living alone for 4 months in a cabin on a hill in the forest than I do when I must interact with people within hierarchical resource economies for support.

There seems to be some very hidden very subconcious difference in the way that people with resources see me vs. the way that I see myself and how I value my offerings to them. It's as if I believe I am worthy, and they do not. As each domino falls however, I become more desperate... reinforcing a disillusioned banishment from cisgender society.

The base of this alternate reality is a predisposition to being "fully self sufficient" (as one of my friends, an elderly southern aristocratic cis gay man has told me bluntly). Allyship only goes so far to say: "If you can't provide for yourself the same way that I can, than I'm passing the buck to the next person down your already limited list of contacts that believe your reality is more than likely plausible."

Haven't they ever heard of the bystander effect? If Kitty Genovese got a chance to become elderly, she'd puke in disgust, but alas... she lies in dust in Lakeview Cemetary.

So, I'm arriving at a point of legacy-building....

One of my dearest trans friends died in 2018 in the ocean, drown to death, didn't know how to swim and got caught in a rip current. They were one of the brightest lights I still to this day have ever experienced. I went to the memorial. I went to the funeral. The loss of vitality of trans people happens more frequently to suicide or violence, but nevertheless Mother Nature scooped them up and the loss was felt heavily on me and the other trans people in our crew.

I'm haunted by not knowing how to advise a grieving mother on how to gender her baby correctly when the casket is open and the heart wound fresh. They were not gender in the way they wanted to be remembered, but what haunts me more is there is only a small trace of their legacy accessible to the public.

Their art hasn't been archived like Francesca Woodman's or Jimmy DeSana's. Their family did not start an estate, nor did I make them privy to my friend's last words to me ("I have so much more new shit I'm excited to share with you.").

.

.

This is the crux of my soul-death -- If I do not leave this realm with everything already archived and in order for someone to find... If I do not entrust my archive, my storage unit, my computer, account, hard drive passwords with someone who understands me and knows how hard I worked at this shit, knows how I felt intimately about my practice... then nothing was worth it. I'm just a spring cleaning away from the record of my creative mind decaying next to fast fashion in a landfill.

And in this same sentiment, I've recently felt like my present existence [this bodybag that doesn't have a job, can't pay rent, and is barely eating] is ultimately devalued by anyone I have ever felt like I'd write down as my Executor in my "After I'm Gone Organizer" (I neurotically impulse-bought a few months ago when all of this started) or trust with signing over my Google account to or given a spare key to my storage unit.

The only things that keep me going are Archive Fever, my kitten, the motto my dad signs ["I'm Still Standing Ya Ya Ya" (Elton John)] and surrounds with stickers on his letters to me, the discourse on suicide from Heathers (1988), and "Don't Try Suicide" by Queen.

[Pray for us]

[jjsanguine]

I was scrolling on Instagram and went through the account of a guy who roller skates while talking about various things.

And I remember one time in summer 2020, when J Florid bought a penny board and we went skateboarding. I'm not good at skateboarding. and unlike J florids shiny new skateboard, I had a shitty regular board with wood that was staring to split and rusty wheels. I've always preferred using inline skates to a skateboard but after I outgrew the skates I had as a kid I've just never gotten back into it. But it's 2020, I've just dropped out of uni, this whole pandemic thing means finding a job is impossible, and I have nothing but time. So when J Florid is asks if I want to go skateboarding I say sure.

I'm not good at skateboarding. Even if I had been, the only place around that was at all flat enough to skate on assist from the road was full of trees, so I went over a tree root and stacked it. I didn't lose teeth or anything, but my knee bent way further than its natural range of motion. It might sound counter intuitive since I'm hypermobile but I'm very inflexible—I haven't been able to cross my legs since primary school.

Obviously, my knee swelled like a balloon and I had difficulty even walking for the next month. And I think, I'll get back to it at some point when my leg's healed. 3½ years later, I haven't. Watching these videos had me think for a moment, why didn't I buy some skates again? And then I remembered that I can't. I often drop a hobby and pick it up a few years later so for a moment there I forgot that it wasn't just that I had been distracted.

I didn't go skating again because I can't do anything that physically demanding, not without risking hospitalisation. I can't learn how to skate, I can't learn how to swim, I can't get back into rock climbing, or run up the stairs two at a time with a vice grip or the railing, or walk around the shopping centre aimlessly, or go to the library, or go to the lake and skip stones, or dance in my own house because I can't do exercise anymore.

I don't whip cream anymore, I don't turn okele anymore, I don't knead bread dough anymore, I don't draw anymore, I don't spend hours doing my own hair anymore, I don't really read anymore, I don't do much of anything anymore because I don't want to be in an ambulance again.

I don't remember when I last painted my nails, because of how often I've had a pulse oximeter on my hand. I don't remember when the last time I was able to shower standing up was. I don't remember when the last time I sat at my desk was, because I can't sit up for extended periods of time.

I remember the last time I left my house because it was to go to GP, which is the only reason I leave the house nowadays. I remember having to go to the hospital and sitting there for hours and doing a bunch of blood tests and once again getting the everything's clear, go home. And I remember how my breathing was still so constricted I could barely speak, and how the next day it felt like the fog of exhaustion was lifting a little. And how the fog came back. And seemed to lift and then came back. Over and over, to this day.

I will never ever forgive my family for exposing me to COVID. If I didn't live with them I would have been disappointed. I would have been angry. But now I can't leave. And I have to get reinfected over and over because I can't wear a mask while I'm eating or drinking or the rare time I can take an actual shower instead of having a sponge and a bowl. And I have to hear the coughing and the whining about being sick and the catarrh. I can never forgive this because I thought of all people they would care.

They can see me deteriorating month on month but they ignore how they too are getting sicker so I guess it's too much to expect.

I've never had anyone really close to be die before because I just assumed it would be me who died. At first because I was actively suicidal and now because I think my heart or my lungs or my blood vessels might just give up on me. So I never really thought I'd have to experience grief. I never thought about how I could be doing something mundane and just break down, sobbing. Now I'm grieving not just my future but my past. All that time spent acquiescing. All that time spent being angry and afraid and trapped by my family but still loving them. All that time thinking they'd return the favour. And how despite me I still do love them, but wouldn't speak to any of them ever again if I had the chance.

[zoffra]

Chapter 2 - Wedy

'You're angry?' Sharnalk asked in a soft voice. He leaned over Kortopi's shoulder as this once watched clouds from the window of their hotel room.

The latter nodded timidly, 'I wanted to go with Shizu and Franky.'

The young blond pated his head, 'They left to join Bono at the play circle. You're too young at the moment, but when you're older we'll go together and rob the slot machines! '

In front of Kortopi's pout who woudn't open one's mouth, he sighed and knelt front of him 'Listen, if you stop sulking I take you out to dinner and then we'll go to the cinema, what do you say that?'

This time Shalnark's words had hit the mark and Kortopi cheerfully looked up.

Of all the members, Shalnark was the one who best knew Kortopi. Sharnalk took care of him when Chrollo wasn't available. Brigade leader had taken the child under his wing by bringing him into the spider, and when the troupe wasn't on mission, they lived together. He had taught him the four main Nen principles, but it was with Sharnalk that he'd developed his Hatsu.

* BZZZ BZZZZ BZZZ *

Sharnalk was interrupted by his phone ringing, he locked himself in the bathroom to take the call. 'I listening to you Shizuku... I see... He gave you an address?.. What, so far?!... I'm not screaming! I'm just surprised that...'

Behind the door, Kortopi who listened attentively to the conversation, watched helpless his evening with his friend soar.

The young manipulator came out of the bathroom, scratching his head uncomfortably 'Topi, I'm sorry but we'll have to postpone our evening until later.' He rummaged in his pocket and handed him his wallet, 'Take my card and make deliver you what you want.'

Before slamming the door, he gave him a last wave, 'Be a good boy until I get back, okay? I don't be long.'

Over three hours had passed and Kortopi was fuming.

'I dOn'T bE LoNg', shitty liar

At this thought, a new motivation spread in Kortopi who felt even more frustrated and upset. In answer, he looked for bars, clubs, and other places not recommended for a child his age, when he came across an advert that caught his attention.

Thrilled, he quickly folded down PC screen, put on the brand new trench coat that Shizuku'd bought him the day before and took care to create a copy of himself which he placed under his duvet.

---------------------------------------------

After taking wrong bus route and making the wrong path twice, Kortopi finally arrived across from what should have been a bar. He approached storefront and tiptoed, sticking his little hands against the glass to inspect interior. He took the piece of paper from his pocket, on which he'd scribbled address. Apprehensively, he decided to push the door open when a young woman about to go out pushed him.

She was tall, her blond hair down to her shoulders. She wore a pencil skirt split on the side and an elegant black suit which let glimpse her generous chest. A fur cap finalized her outfit which suited her wonderfully.

Pretty

'It's not a place for brats. Clear out.' She closed the door behind her, spitting that stinging reply Kortopi's face.

As the mortified child walked away from the bar, he heard the young woman shout to him, an amusement's hint in her voice, 'Materialization?'

The fact that she guessed his aura's type at one glance put him on guard. He quickly turned around, activated his Ren and positioned himself in front of her. She roared with laughter and activated her Nen in turn, 'Come on kid, stop it'.

At her aura's sight, Kortopi'd immediately knew that she'd have upper hand if she attacked him. He was several tens of meters away, but he could feel her aura's pressure, it was as if thousands of needles hit his face.

She walked slowly towards him, two hands raised to the sky showing she'd no evil intentions, and took out a cigarette from her package with her teeth. She stopped at his height and scanned the child from head to toe, 'There are bouncers in the basement. I suggest you a deal. You give me a hand and I'll get you in. '

Kortopi still listened her suspiciously.

The young woman lit her cigarette, 'I need this key's copy, you can do it, don't you?'

it's not just intuition, it's bad...

In front of a more powerful adversary who knew his abilities, Kortopi's victory chances just gone up in smoke. Having one's back to the wall, he choosed the wisest decision and complied.

'Up to fifty no problem. My copies aren't forever but I guess you already know that.' He replied bitterly.

Young woman noded, notifiying him he'd made the right decision, and blew smoke into his face. Kortopi wanted to make eat her cig.

'I only need one copy.' She handed him the key, and the child sat cross-legged out of sight.

Left hand of God, right hand of Devil

A small key appeared in his right hand, he returned the original to the young woman and put the copy in his pocket, 'Let me get in first.'

'A promise is a promise,' she smiled to him, 'by the way, I'm Wedy.'

Wedy had kept her promise. They'd discreetly entered through a small emergency door, leading them to the room's back, close to the stage.

'I held my promise. The key.' Wedy held out her hand, palm in the air towards Kortopi. She observed the key from all angles with meticulousness and invited him to dinner as a thank you, 'Good job, the copy is perfect'.

Kortopi ordered a plate of homemade fries and Wedy a lobster bisque as a starter. The waiter put down the dishes, served in a magnificent fine porcelain with gold leaf patterns.

The young woman devoured her dish with appetite, 'I'm looking for a book which contains a special power. When a person's name is written inside, that person dies.'

Kortopi smirked before bust of laughing, 'Don't make fun of me, it's impossible. Even a Nen Master could'nt obtain such an ability.'

'That's right, it's something else. This book contains a visibly less restrictive power than Nen, the user doesn't seem to need oaths and conditions to use it.'

The waiter came back with Wedy's truffle veal, she brought her nose to few inches to smell the scent, 'A few years ago, a Treasure-hunter brought this notebook from the dark continent. Three months later, this asshole got caught. I'll pass details but during his interrogation he admitted writing nearly 50 names a day. Only women, regardless of age. '

Her eyes flashed, 'He committed suicide just before his judgment.' She grabbed her glass and took a big sip, 'Unfortunately, the notebook wasn't found, he apparently would have given it to someone else, just before his arrest.'

'So you're looking for the new owner, do you have any leads? '

'Not on his identity, but his motivations are clearer. More than 10,000 criminals have been killed in Jappon since the notebook changed hands. Apparently, the new owner doesn't really like villains,' she pours herself a glass of wine, 'He has a lot of fans among the population, to the point that the Jappanese have given him the Kira's nickname.'

Wedy smiles mischievously, 'Class A bandits would have reason to worry, for example.' She rummaged through her bag and handed him a piece of paper, 'Look.'

Kortopi felt himself melt in his chair when he saw the photo, 'Ah, it's the phantom troupe. I heard a little about it, they got killed by the York-Shin Mafia, I saw it on TV.'

Wedy laughed loudly, 'Bullshits. Corpses were false. York-Shin Mafia has a good intelligence service but they can't work miracles,' She paused, probing the child's gaze, 'For example, if in administration eyes people doesn't exist, they'll not be able to find data concerning them.'

Korutopi felt a sweat drop bead on his forehead.

'I'm 99% sure they're alive. And I know names of 7 of them.' Wedy soaking up sauce from her plate. 'I plan to sell their identity to the press. If they're dead as everyone thinks, they'll just stay in the ground.' Her lips curved in a carnivorous smile. 'But, if they're living somewhere in this world, it will only be a matter of time before Kira writes their names in his little notebook.'

On the verge of faint, Kortopi asked in a weak voice, 'Why haven't you done it already?'

Wedy's eyes shone like sapphires, 'I figured maybe we could do another deal.'

Korutopi didn't reply. Tears began to bead in his eyes corner uncontrollably, he knew she wasn't bluffing.

Front of the child crestfallen looks, Wedy felt a little remorse, 'Listen, little brat. If you'll do what I tell you, we'll leave you alone.

[definealetheia]

Note to self when I feel like I'm going insane (unfinished)

STOP OVERTHINKING!

Sit back, relax, and take deep breaths.

Listen to chakra tune up meditation music. Unblock your chakras and let the energy flow through your body.

Don't intentionally block your heart chakra. Stop suppressing your feelings, whether it is good or bad. You have to deal with them and heal your wounds. The more you suppress your feelings, the longer your agony will get.

Do you still have doubts about the connection?

Remember that you have already let go of the label Twin Flame. The question whether he is your Divine Masculine or not is not important anymore. The Universe may or may not give you the answer after all. BUT you can honor what you feel is true. You love him. This is your truth. You don't need the Universe to tell you that.

It is okay to doubt the connection sometimes. It is normal to experience doubts and fears in this journey. It is scary and full of uncertainties.

I don't get why other twins refer to someone they meet as "catalyst" who will activate your awakening and you believed as your twin but ended up as otherwise. Same logic goes for false twin. I don't get it. I don't think there is a false twin or a catalyst. That person is either your twin or not. Why would you need a catalyst to activate you? Your twin can do that himself. It doesn't make sense to me. People who started their spiritual journey even before they met their twin were awakened due to several possible reasons. May be because of traumatic experiences or they come from a spiritual background. As for those who were not awakened until they met their twin, I don't understand why the person who activated them ends up only as a catalyst. What for? You will only recognize that person as a catalyst once you meet your true twin. And then it would be like you're restarting your twin flame journey with your true twin! Wth.

Remember the reasons and synchonicities that lead you to believe he is your twin.

He activated my spiritual awakening.

It was August 29, 2018. I met my twin online right after I graduated from grad school. I finished another milestone in my life. I finished a job contact and ready to start a new life. I was optimistic about the future. I've been single for years and thought it would be nice a start a new one. But I didn't want to start a relationship just for the heck of it. I wanted to find the one. I've been saying this to the Universe for a quite some time. I might have manifested it when I met your twin without knowing it.

I've been suffering from MDD and GAD for years. I was in medication and went in and out of hospitals after every suicide attempt. For a long time I was suffering from an existential crisis. I did not know who I am or why I am alive. I did not have dreams of my own and was just living to fulfill the expectations of my family and society. I did not have any goals nor did I have reasons or motivations to pursue anything except meeting others' expectations of me. I needed to finish school and establish a good career, help my parents, and then have my own family. As good as those things were, I did not have the right motivation to do that.

I have always felt I don't belong anywhere. I was bullied in school and even at work. It made my depression even worse. Everywhere I go, terrible things always end up happening. I always felt uncomfortable, unsafe, and being wronged by people. I felt unlucky and miserable all the time. Everytime I try to turn my life around and gain a little hope, terrible things happen and that little hope I had get taken away from me.

I was never religious nor spiritual. Having a master's degree in Philosophy, I have an extensive experience on critical thinking and being skeptical. I don't label myself as agnostic. In fact, when it comes to my spirituality, I refrained from associating myself from any religious group or any spiritual belief. However, during one Philosophy class where we talked about religion where some of my classmates studied in Catholic seminaries, I remember sharing that I don't believe in (Christian conception) God but I do believe that there is someone or something, maybe it be metaphysical, divine, or a force that governs everything in the Universe.

I have always had the affinity to look at the sunset and the night sky. I has been part of my routine. My childhood dream was to became an astronaut or astronomer. But life happened. Part of my routine was talking to the Universe while watching the night sky. Whenever I feel suicidal I always tell them that I don't belong down here. I want to be among the stars. That's where I feel I belong, not here. I talk to the stars as often as I can. They saw me cry and all. They let me know they are listening by showing me shooting stars. I even saw asteroid Juno and other comets during one of my nightly routine. It always feels magical when they show me how beautiful the Universe is.

Recognizing the soul connection

I have been interested in Japanese culture and martial arts. I've been practicing a japanese sword martial arts since January 2017. Since I wanted to learn the language, I installed a language exchange application on my phone and that's where I met him. To be honest, I was open to the thought of possibly meeting someone online but I did not realize that I would actually meet someone like him. I met men who were more interested in flirting with me than learning another language. That's very common online. But I was not interested in them but when I met my twin, I did not know that from then on, my life will turn bat shit crazy. I was just following ramdom people on the app but I also made sure they did not look sketchy or suspicious. He followed me back. He suddenly commented on a picture I posted of me and my cat and then he sent me a private message. My first impression of him is he was very flirty and straithforward with giving compliments, unlike most Japanese I talked to who were polite and unsure of themselves. When I looked at his picture, I immediately felt something different about him especially when I looked at his eyes. But I couldn't put my finger on it. I never felt anything like it before. I felt like I knew him. There was a sense of familiarity and comfortabilitily. We started talking on Line, sent audio messages, and even talked on video call for hours. He send messages when he wakes up, goes to work, while working, coming home, and before sleeping. It like was a honeymoon phase of a relationship. I told myself it was too good to be true.

I needed to know more about him so I asked him if he was single. He wasn't. I felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown at me. He was still flirty and acting like there's more to us than acquaintances. But because of that reality check, I kept asking myself where I stand. Sometimes he treats me like a girlfriend all then all of a sudden he acts like a stranger. When the conversation gets hot and he becomes more flirty than normal that's where I remind him that he has a gf and I don't want to be in a third party. He told me they haven't talked for a while and he felt lost. I felt worse. I felt like he was just bored and wants to use me to fill in the void. Since I knew I was falling inlove, I made it clear to him that if he wants to continue talking to me like we are in a relationship, then I want to be only one. There should be no other woman. He couldn't give me an answer. He always dodged the question to the point that I get frustrated and just drop it. Add the language barrier to the mix. During one of our arguments, I kept asking him how he really felt about me and his answer was that he wanted to meet. I did not expect that answer. Even if I agreed to that, I reminded him that he has gf and he just told me they hadn't talked.

When he came back to Japan from one of work trips, that's when things went downhill. He used to give me updates on where he was or what he doings but that time I did tell me he already came back. His messages became short. Sometimes just one word. It's obvious he didn't want to be bothered or he just didn't want to talk to me. There were even sarcastic messages. It was my cue to leave him be.

We stared with talking to each other all day everyday until it became more and more seldom. There were days when he wouldn't talk. Then a sudden message after days of silence. I did not chase him or beg him to talk to me. But I once told him how I sad was that he changed. I was crying a lot. My heart got broken so many times. October 2018 came and after over a month of the honeymoon phase, he finally ghosted me.

Kundalini awakening and rising

I became more and more depressed and desperate for answers. I kept asking the Universe: Why did this happen? What was the point? I closed myself off for years and stopped dating after experiencing traumatic relationships. Right when I finally decided to take a risk, open my heart, and love again, this happened to me? I did not understand the point of it all. Letting another person in and then he just breaks my heart? This was the last chance I gave myself to love and this shit happened. Before I met him, I told myself that if I ever meet someone and fall in love, it will be the last time. I want to me the one. I am tired of being hurt so many times.

I was so confused. I was hurt, angry, and frustrated. Wanting to find the answers, I started watching tarot readings on Youtube. I never believed in Astrology. I was too skeptical for that. But I watched hundreds of readings out of desperation to find the answers. I got mixed result on the readings. There were times that the readings resonated so much that my mind was blown so many times. But there were others that just made me more confused and paranoid. The best takeaway from those readings is that divine timing is at work. I have to trust in the Universe and give them space to work things out. I can't force things to happen. The only thing I can do is set healthy boundaries and don't let anyone treat me like a doormat.

I spent the next few weeks just watching readings, crying at night, and trying to cope with the pain. The readings said that there will be communication and it did happen. By the time happened, I literally said "this shit is real." I was surprised that he messaged me and asked how I was. But after the inital shock, I was overcome by anger and hurt. He wanted communication just when I was starting to gain balance and not think of him that much. I was torn between telling him off and just accept that he is back. I replied 2-3 days later telling him I'm doing good.

The communication started again but I was seldom. He called me on 11/11 but I couldn't answer. He just randomly sends a message after a few days of silence and or calls all of a sudden and then disappear again. So flakey! I got fed up and set my foot down. I asked him why he wants call or talk to me. He said he always wanted to call and enjoys being with me. I called out his BS. I reminded him that he stopped talking to me. He can't just come in and out of life as he pleases. He should stop playing mind games with me. He just said to me "Oh don't say that 😭." I told him I deserve an explanation and tell me why he disappeared. He said he did not disappear. I told him it hurts me that he's not being honest with me. He said he was being honest. See the pattern here? I asked him again what happened and he just answered "I don't remember." That was it. I told him I'm a very patient person (I'm a fucking Taurus okay) but he pushed me too far. I won't ask anymore. It's obvious he didn't wanna answer. I'm done.

I was livid. I'm done dealing with a player and emotionally unvailable jackass. That's the start of our separation. It was 11/12.

I spent the rest of November dealing with rollercoaster of emotions. One moment I'm angry, and them I'm in pain, and then lonely ect. It was a torture. There were times when I went into relapse. I thought I have officially gone insane. I just wanted to die.

The first time I came across the term twin flame was through watching tarot readings. I never heard of the time before even when I met my twin. I wasn't interested in learning more about it at first. All I know was that it was different from soulmates and it was rare. I have never thought of myself as special (just different) so I did not think I needed to know about it. But curiosity got the better of me and finally decided to do some research. Lo and behold, I resonated with most of the signs that were listed. The things that happened to me made more sense now. But that was not enough to convince me.

More and more meditation music started appearing on my youtube suggestions. It was December when I finally decided to try a guided meditation. It's my first entry. I felt the urge to do it more and more often until I came across a meditation to awaken my spirit. Before this entire journey I would never think of trying it but since I have been activated, might as well continue on improving myself. I played the music when looking at the sunset. When I came to opening the third eye, I started seeing particles in mid air. They look specks of light or little transparent bubbles floating around. As weeks went by I seem them clearer. I don't even have to concentrate or be in meditative state to see them. I see another invisible layer in my environment as well. I see rain or drizzle even if it's not really raining. I also see "rain" and particles even indoors now. As long as there is light. I tune up my chakra almost everyday. I don't feel right when I don't meditate in a few days.

10/13/2019 ~ 2:41 PM (this has been saved in my Drafts since Jan/Feb -- I'm not sure anymore)