#haven't been diagnosed yet but by god there is something wrong with me

[beenovel]

Me in my head: badass swordfighting pirate king

Me irl: *taking off shoes while standing up* ouch oof my bones

[amberinn]

okay thoughts 👏

not a lot of emotionally charged moments

love the little davwhit and charwhit interactions

Whit is actually SOSOSOSO smart and I'm so thrilled to the core as a Whit fan that his thinking process is shown

Like he is SO UNDERSTANDING and good and amazing I love it

Levi is a psychopath 100%

I made a rant about Whit being a sociopath, but he doesn't fit that criteria because he lacks in exploitation behaviours/anger

I'm SURE he has some sort of hidden disorder (Whit) we haven't yet really talked about

im not a psychologist though

let's leave it to that one person headcanon diagnosing Veronika with asocial personality disorder or whatever I do NOT know what that is!

I fucking love this cast, but it's so mentally ill to the core.

Like so many of those fuckers have something wrong with them I can't stand it (affectionate)

Arei and David interaction??? Let's go

They could've been such good friends and Arei is so sweet forreal.

Eden with the fucking fork.

Fucking hell, oh my GOD.

I love the transitions in scrum debate, they're scrumbtastic and I fucking love and hate how they represent things like, hanging, getting thrown and then breaking your neck, the swinging... fuck it makes me sick

Areden could have been so real

Arei's friends being David and Eden... yeah

It could have been good

I hate the parallels between how David got extended that hand to take--- Xander, Arei.

I've an animation idea between the three od them and this is just slipping so well into my understanding of their dynamic (I'm not really analyzing it too deeply thinking of it though... I guess I should)

I'll get to know the real you, I love you, I will be your friend.

I know you for who you are, it makes me relieved, I guess we're both bad humans huh?

But does a good person really exist?

We'll look out for each other... I could be your friend.

Like fuck drdt is David Chiem nightmare especially that "only someone so fucking naive, stupid, jdk, jekcus could have fallen for such an obvious trap" feels like grief

he's just lost another fucking friend of his

scratch that your outburst is reasonable, or maybe I misremember shit

I would also go insane if anyone who was ever willing to love me got murdered one by one

All you ever do is gain and lose people, just like in "Therefore you and me"

As a result of acquiring as a result of losing, huh David Chiem?

It makes sense for him to want to extinguish that

Everyone looks forward to seeing tomorrow, but what are you gaining by it?

Friends you're losing

Maybe it's even harder for him, because Whit has a friend (Charles) he gets to keep, while David keeps on seeing his get murdered over and over again.

It never ends.

That fucked up little glint when Teruko told her secret >>>>>>>>>

ALSOOOO ALSO

whatever drama was going on between Ace and Levi

Levi IS an insanely fucked up person, and I keep thinking over and over about how for me at least there is not one person I could ship Ace with

like damn mf 🙏 he alone af

I want to give Ace Markey such a big hug, like he is a bitch and has teeth which cut through you every 3 seconds, but girl.

girl you DO NOT DESERVE ALL OF THAT 😭😭😭😭

any of that

Ace Markey is like, subtly circling upwards on my favouritism lists he's my wet kitten you don't get him like I do

He's had a friend before who was a guy

something something---

The fact that I even considered thinking of anyone over here as my friend really just tarnishes his image.

He cares about his friend SO MUCH.

It might be STUPID for me, but this reads as gay.

Ok just trust me in on this I'm a boykisser with a similar situation at hand.

girl lover as well, how do you THINK one person figures out that?

I just feel like Ace Markey might've discovered his homosexuality via that friend

that best friend one might say which makes me sososoo insanely CURIOUS about who it was

yk why

bcs id finally get an Ace ship I actually fw

hell ya let's go homies

also I need to add---

I feel like something has REALLY happened with his friend

might be a bit stupid, but I feel like that friend is dead

"tarnishes his image" huh Ace? Ace what does that mean, why would that image be able to be tarnished

did you say had Ace or am I not remembering it?

are you so afraid of everything, because your best friend is dead Ace?

it's kinda a stretch still though, a leap of faith on a suggestion I'm willing to argue about

[whataboutsimple]

Warning! Under the cut it's just Alex whining about his life and nothing more. So basically useless post lmao- oh, yeah, curses. Lots of. Curses. Yeah, I don't recommend reading this tbh

Now what the fuck, how people manage to live their life normally and than there's me. What is wrong with me?

No, no, listen. I get it, no human can be perfect, but it frustrates me so much that I can't get exactly what's up with me. You saw other ppl on this app? Three posts a day MAX, and what do I do?

Third of August the first very post, all the way to 17 of August.

Tham it's 9 of September and since than no breaks (well, maybe Little like for a day or two)

Currently I have 397 posts, and if math is mathing, than it's about ≈8 posts each day.

8 posts each day, and I haven't posted even half of what I wanted. Or the asks I'm getting (I love them though)

What I'm implying? I can't focus even for a second on my school, better shoot me than make me doing my English, all the homework I've done so far I've done in five minutes before the class itself started. You see it?

AND THAT'S even not the full thing, I can't focus even on writing or drawing, that's why I didn't upload all the stuff, because I can't make myself create it! I have the idea in the head, I want to put it on the paper, but I can't.

The hands, the brain, they work only in a stress situations, when it's either getting an F, or doing the freaking work god damn it.

Sometimes I don't even want to touch my phone or get up from bed. All I want is to, idk, nap until I'll feel myself as if I rested.

Don't even get me started on trying to look through my mental health, I've been doing it, and you know what? I can't normally say to myself "Hey, those symptoms are kind of remind me of ourselves. Maybe we are not as healthy as we pretend we are?" Nonono, because it always will end up in self doubting like "What if I'm lying? What if I just know those symptoms are implying this and try to adjust to them to look so "poor, poor child" like? What if I just try to convince myself that something is wrong with me or simply want attention?"

Okay, like, I've been searching for symptoms of autism and ADHD for so long, reading forums and what other ppl with such things say. God, I even went through thos dumb "online tests" out of boredom and you know what? It's like 90% that I do have both, but yet again what if I'm lying? I'm perfectly healthy, I should be, I'm just lazy and dumb to do the work.

I have autistic cousin for example, and I act a lot like them and a lot like not them. Even my family always compares us, but when it's me, they go like "Well, you're not autistic, so it should be fine for you, stop acting like that!"

Yeah, woman, I'm perfectly fine, I'm just dying everytime I need to interact with ppl in reality and have heartbeat over probably 500 because it beats so loud I can almost hear it.

I've been to therapist like twice after some tragic moment in my life, because I started having horrible panic attacks, so strong even my Mon got worried, and all they managed to diagnose is PTSD after what my mother like. Just stopped the sessions. And those times when I were there, I was too scared to ask them if I may or may not have, idk, ADHD, autism or depression or anxiety or whatever because I just want to know what is wrong with me.

Because normal people won't act like I'm.

You think the dog thing is a joke? Well, yeah, it is, but I'm really eager for any interaction and reaction I can get. I don't even care abt kudos and stuff as long as you commented or reposted saying something. I'm going to die on the spot and if I had a tail it would've 100% wagged.

But when it comes to ppl in real life, I don't want to have them near me, to be in one room with them, to hear them. I can chat, I love chatting, I love talking, but only with texts. There are literally only three ppl who I can call: my mom, my grandma and my online friend.

And online friend waited for 4 years before we had a first call, voice call.

That's not normal, is it?

And like that I'm lost in me thoughts. The point is that I want to know what's wrong with me really bad, but at the same time I'm doubting if there's something wrong and I'm not just a lazy sore looser who tries to hide from responsibility in the internet. And even that I'm doing horribly.

Dang it.

[upwards-descent]

Questing

Benjamin let out a weary sigh as he plunged his blade into the dirt, plopping down on the most comfortable looking rock he could find. The usual spray of blood and viscera was absent from his armor, instead replaced with bone-deep aching. Hours of cutting through animated trees had been necessary to gain access to the forest's heart. Some poor soul had become twisted with grief after death, taking refuge in the woods that'd been their home, bringing the flora to life imbued with necromantic anguish. A little exorcism ended the ordeal but gods, was he exhausted.

"O' seraphim who peers from beyond," Benji began to recite, peeling off his helmet with a huff and laying it nearby. He slid onto his knees in the grass, hands clasped, head bowed. "I beseech thine council...."

The world went black. And then there was light.

"Great work, Ben. You did good."

Raising his head and opening his eyes, the aasimar rose to his feet and gave his patron a slight bow. The column of angelic wings parted slightly, only just revealing a single massive eye.

"That wraith wasn't something to sneeze at. I'm impressed," A ripple moved through the fallen angel, fluffing up their feathers. "You haven't called me in a while. Everything okay?"

"... Yes and no," Benji propped his hands on his hips, heaving another big sigh. "I'm... Something seems to be wrong, I just... Can't diagnose it. I hoped to gain some enlightenment from thou."

"Oh? Let's see here..."

What had been a nice view of infinite clouds and blue skies shrunk down only to Sariel. They flitted around him, studying, examining, absorbing.

"You seem fine, Ben. Is it an internal issue?" Their wings shifted even further, exposing most of that massive red eye. "Oh, gods, are you plagued by something? A stain on your soul?"

"Ehhh," Benjamin shrugged. "Something... Akin to that, yes, my angel," His focus drifted downwards as he absentmindedly stared at his boots. "I feel... Somewhat restless. Or, rather..... Unfulfilled? Bah, I feel a fool for saying such aloud but...."

A gauntlet smoothed back his hair, then stroked at his chin.

"... It isn't as easy as it used to be, sire," Ben added quietly. "Charging into battle, offering a hand to those in need... That was mine greatest passion, and lo... It feels far more like work than it used to..."

"Oh. Oh!"

Sariel glided back, giving their charge some room. As if remembering their shame, their wings closed in again, yet some more confidence leeched into their multi-layered voice.

"You need a muse, Ben," They encouraged. "You've been without a muse for a while now, haven't you?"

Blinking, Benji's lower lip pursed as he nodded, considering the advice.

"It has been... Some time," He raised his head, and some life returned to his ethereal gaze. "I've not taken a real lover in... Pfft, years now? I believe thou speakest in great accuracy, sire," The paladin stood up even straighter. "We both know that is part of my vow, doth we not? To stoke the light within mineself as much as I do others."

"You need a more personal project, yes," Sariel agreed, and even they sounded excited, less nervous. "Take a little break from the grandiose questing, yeah? Do some side gigs, experience the stuff that makes your heart race."

"Thank you, your grace," Benji bowed even deeper than before. Through the illusion of their meeting, he managed to fumble around for his helmet, sliding it on as he spoke with the comedic effect of slightly muffling his voice. "I shan't neglect mine other promises, but this shall be mine goal for now. Peace be with you, master Sariel."

"You, too, Ben. Carpe diem and all that!"

[formleadsfunction]

f@tt Sangfielle ep. 21 relistening post

(aka my own personal greatest hits)

it's At the Gates of Sapodilla time !!!!!!!

genuinely such a fantastic episode :))) can't wait even for the intro-ish part where he played out the lil game with Jack

anyway !! episode time !!

"If you're cooking a dish, I hope it's going great." "I hope it's going fantastic." <3

Austin making it clear that everybody had that debrief/calm-down conversation after the interview <3 once again, things like that just make me so !! - makes me as a listener feel, like, Safer too to experience these people play games together

Austin and Jack just suddenly diving into Blade Runner lore 😭

the fact alone that you can get interrupted constantly is so fucking stressful to me, this game is so fun, I wish I got to play it with somebody at some point

Tell Me About An Apocalypse That Would Make Birds Excited

also rly love how they discuss the game system and how it doesn't engage honestly with the Actual System in places necessarily

the way they all namedrop Bucho 😭

also the EDITING on that intro. god!!!!!!!

Pickman's deadpan "No I don't", I love her sm and she is SO real for this.

mf glim macula idiots like I Would Not Say That

Pickman not understanding the question/the difference between an objective and an ideal and the agent repeating the question without explaining what they want and getting increasingly. angry? insistent. is so fucking terrifying on like a personal level like please leave her ALONE

(aka this is so fun, I keep having to pause, I had to pause back while listening for the first time already too, just bc i get SO stressed, it's terrible and great)

actually I paused the episode to write the bullet point above and I haven't unpaused yet bc i'm just Thinking it's like, I don't wanna get too oversharing, and I don't think I've ever talked A Lot about the ways in which I like. have the Active Experience of being autistic beside just "wow wild that I just got diagnosed at 30+ years old" and "kinda sad that I can't ever go to a wrestling show live bc it would be overwhelming" but even besides the like. more often talked abt symptoms of autism, while reflecting on it I realized how much this has Always rly influenced my behavior and as a result, how people have treated me. like, it's bad! i'm like!! not/barely a bad at being a person!! like, it makes me behave deeply Weird in ways i even like, Get are off-putting! but the resulting treatment has in turn also influenced me to the point that I was so sure that there's just something deeply and fundamentally Wrong with me that a) I wished I was a robot at like age 13, b) for a while I was sure I was living in some weird simulation/experiment, and c) when I got the diagnosis, I didn't dare to actually apply it to myself for like about a year bc i thought I had cheated my way into getting an excuse for how there's smth wrong with me somehow. and ok this did get oversharing for sure, but I this is just Such an exciting episode for me. it's terrible and i'm stressed and anxious in a very real and genuine way while listening, but it's also kind of cathartic the way fiction can be in such a fun and entertaining way. just. rly good choice of game to show that border interrogation. (which! what I just talked about is just abt my experience with being autistic. that doesn't even get into how tense I've instinctly been every time I crossed a border and how that's NOTHING bc i'm white and swiss)

okay let's pretend I didn't ramble abt my lame lil life

first interview over... rly glad for the lil cooldown conversation between Austin and them afterwards. rly lightens the mood

"Answer honestly. You have nothing to fear." one of the most terrifying sentences in this episode fr

Lyke's interview is So good. also I love that he gets full access, it's just So fitting. Lyke is soooo.... I love him??? i had forgotten how great Lyke is

also. fucking disgusting, the immediate change between how Pickman was sent away and how enthusiastically in comparison Lyke was welcomed

"[thoughtfully and deliberately] Shit.. fuck.. damn."

DUVALL KILLING THE INTERVIEWER and neither I nor I think Austin noticed a THING

also just. Duvall getting so stressed that his bugs decide to intervene is SO good. wish that was me fr

Marn ilyyy

It's not just the way the interview is conducted, there is something very unsettling about some of these Questions as well. Marn's and Lyke's interviews in particular so far have been extremely intense in that way

Marn's (Ali's) nervous chuckling throughout is so relatable

"I wouldn't wanna die." without Really answering the question outright, ough

Virtue I am free Literally whenever

Chine's compliments 😭😭😭

Chine is the only person who lowkey sounds like they're having fun during this lmao

man... what an episode :)))

[unlimitedbutchworks]

Hi! I'm getting married (soonish, we haven't set a date yet) to a transfemme who is early in their transition. I met them when they were 18 and j a depressed anxious socially awkward nerd and over the past like ~year I've watched them blossom into themself (it's magical). But as a tme person sometimes i feel like I'm not fit to be the main person supporting them during this journey, bc they don't have any irl tgirl/transfem friends.

Do you have any suggestions? I'm always trying to learn more about transmisogyny. I took them to get an affirming haircut by a woman I met on Lex, I help with makeup. I've been trying to help them make friends bc they still do have like, a diagnosed social phobia lol. I think it'd be good if I WASNT the main support for this stuff in many ways. And they are like 10x as confident now that they present more authentically, but it's a process. And idk. I know them rly well and love them a lot but I worry sometimes that I'm somehow hurting them or doing the wrong thing.

I know I can't do everything for them (codependency lol) but I want to be the best partner I can be. I'm always asking what they want but sometimes it's like, j figuring out as we go bc it's all new. So what would YOU want from a tme partner ig? How do you assume I could be helpful, better, etc?

Feel free not to respond if this is too much. I don't mean to be putting too much on you. I'm just trying to treat my fiance better and better each day (failing sometimes).

hello and congrats!!! first off this is so touching and aaaa. my god. anyway.

it sounds like you’re really on the right track for sure :) friends are extremely important especially for ppl in minority groups that make socializing harder, so trying to help to her get out of her shell and get to know other people is certainly a great idea; both because she deserves having something of a social group, and because like you say, trans friends can be really critical. i can’t speak with authority since I don’t know you & your situation, but it could definitely help with supporting her and whatnot; i value my transfem friends irl a lot and they’re wonderful with buoying my transition. im not sure id say you’re ‘not fit’ for it unless you dont want to be, since there’s a lot of ways to support and be there for someone’s transition. my femme is tme and she has been wonderful with my transition and helping me explore different gender stuff by helping me with womens clothes, sometimes a little makeup, and her support when im mixing things up with my presentation. she’s happy to change and play with her vocab too; when i realized i like being called pretty from time to time now she works it into when she’s teasing me or being sweet, things like that.

as far as other things id want to see in a tme partner, the willingness to look at transmisogyny and learn about it and work it over is pretty important to me; but it sounds like you’re already working on this, so just keep your mind open with a clear heart. if you make a mistake, trust that you can learn from it and move on. id also say to let her be the one to define and speak about her transition and her past as well, and not to get tripped up on gender too much; i had an ex who was a lesbian and hated hearing me talk about my past as a boy. was very unfortunate. so keep an open mind and if you don’t understand something or you’d like to understand more, try not to be too afraid to ask; I can’t speak for her exactly, but I can say i really don’t mind getting asked about gender stuff or transmisogyny since it shows that someone cares and also gives me a chance to make sure we’re on the same page. and also, while this may be a little risqué, so long as she’s not ace or something id think about making sure you touch and love on her body holistically. a lot of trans women don’t get touched like how cis and other women do, so don’t be afraid to get a little handsy if she doesn’t mind it. having our bodies be actively wanted (touching sides, thighs, etc) can be really very wonderful when we’re taught that we’re repulsive in every way that matters.

so tl;dr: getting her more friends is a great idea for a milieu of reasons! don’t walk on eggshells with transmisogyny too much, just keep an open mind and maybe think about biases sometimes but don’t let it get to your beat and beat you up over it. but I think your concern sounds like it might be a sign that you care and are gonna try, and if that’s the case then approach any issues that come up from an angle of love and i think it should buff out. anyone wanna chime in in the replies?

[godstrain]

also before i go to work if anyone was actually wondering whats up with wesker in the whole "idk whats wrong with me but i can name several prescription medications that haven't helped"

bipolar affective disorder (manic episode with psychotic features), c-ptsd, ocd.

mind you, none of this is diagnosed, because wesker thinks nothing's wrong with him, why explore if something is!

but essentially the man is horribly unmedicated and it shows. of course he has c-ptsd, look at his entire ass childhood! his mania symptoms manifest mostly as delusions of grandeur (the god complex!) but sometimes he also adds paranoid delusions on top of that. the increased energy is a symptom of the infection, not of mania, but it doesn't HELP that he's also manic. his keeping track of time to like ... everything HAS TO BE exact is one of the main indicators of his ocd.

the man also self-dialogues and it's more than just talking through his own problems. it isn't often, but sometimes he is responding to internal stimuli which adds to that distant vibe he gives off. he often has a blunted/flat affect, he's just really not having a good time (even though he thinks he's having a good time)

the thing is, wesker has never been on antipsychotics. no one knows if they'd work- although the doses would probably be ridiculous considering how fast his body would metabolize the drugs?

and on the note of bipolar affective disorder (manic), it does mean he could swing into bipolar affective (depressed), no one has seen that yet, but it COULD happen and that's just a lot to unpack on its own (maybe for the my meow meow survives... i will explore this)

[sixstepsaway]

follow up to the two-part persona ask, I do also wonder if Izzy missed or misplaced the significance of “haven’t tried dying yet” because he mentally classifies every harebrained break from the maintenance of Blackbeard as ‘Edward’s Gonna Get Us All Killed If I Don’t Pay Clean This Up’, constantly being *in* a state of nearly dying- therefore when Ed actually *does* fuck up the date, izzy cant ‘fix’ it, having been reassured ed wasn’t too bad off by the oh plan to Kill Blackbeard and be Bonnet.

This got lost in my box somehow because I am positive I was awake 11hours ago but somehow I did not see this? Okay, whatever, at least it made it to me eventually lmao

I'm going to show you some caps from that scene because I promise you Izzy felt the full depth of "haven't tried dying yet" and just went into instant denial over it because of how painful the concept was to him.

(Tumblr: You can only have 10 images sorry. Me: I will dual you outside of a chick-fil-a, square up.)

I'd like to note here that Ed, much like the rest of us Mentally Ill Bitches, knows there's something wrong with him. "I shouldn't be bored. I'm fucking Blackbeard." He knows something is fucked up in that skull of his, but unfortunately it's 1717 and he's a man so he can't be diagnosed with hysteria and nothing else has really been deduced yet, so he's stuck just knowing his head's a mess and he can't fix it. Which, uh, is a really fucking depressing thought actually!

Izzy is also the one that gives Ed the idea of suicide, and that's... a whole new thing for Izzy to have to chew on, you know?

First time I went back through this scene, I focused on the fact Ed hones in on suicide as a notion to end his boredom, then meets Stede and, before Stede introduces him to the idea of retirement, he tells him he's 'been thinking of packing it all in', implying he's been genuinely considering yeeting himself into the abyss. Which was painful in itself.

But rewatching this scene with the singular purpose of honing in on Izzy and Con O'Neill's excellent micro expression acting even in the shots where he's turned away or blurry?

Agonizing, thank you.

This one especially. The furrow in his brow. The soft intensity in his eye. He's just heard his #1 person in the world say he's thinking dying could be the next big adventure because he can't stand living anymore and he inadvertently put the idea in his head. Babygirl is suffering.

God, this shot.

And then, coming back to my Cinematography Commentary™, this is another long shot from far away that makes you feel how isolated and alone Izzy feels. Delightful!

And then he writes it off and goes into denial because what else is he meant to do there? And goes to put the little ship away respectfully because Edward likes it lmao.

So: Missed or misplaced? No. Went into instant denial because it was too much for his already traumatized brain to bear? Absolutely. We talk a lot about how Izzy already has his own trauma and mental illness, whether it's from headcanons like @treesofgreen's re: sa, or just from a long life of piracy which has been established to be fucking terrible (beatings etc from Hornigold) and Izzy's clear class dynamics, but we don't really talk about his trauma and mental illness in relation to managing Ed's, and honestly? It's not a surprise that there's a step too far for Izzy's brain to handle and it's, "Edward wants to kill himself."

therefore when Ed actually *does* fuck up the date, izzy cant ‘fix’ it, having been reassured ed wasn’t too bad off by the oh plan to Kill Blackbeard and be Bonnet.

The plan to kill Stede comes after the lighthouse, so this is a slightly incorrect timeline. Izzy spends this entire episode in a state of "we're all fucking going to die" up until Ed does his flouncy little, "Frankfurters!" declaration in the fog, at which point he's so relieved and happy that Ed is still the genius he knows he is and that Ed had a plan to save them all along, and then Ed says, "Furthermore, it's a full moon--" and Izzy's life turns upside down again because Ed fucked that up and they're all going to die after all.

[filthforfriends]

so basically this is what happened

TW: SA, ED

I got diagnosed with vaginismus, which is a result of sexual trauma. It feels like my body has rape proofed itself. I was getting these bouts of pain that I can't put words to. I'd end up curled on the floor, woozy, bargaining with god, listing all the things I'd do for a 12 hour break. I'd rather break my finger again, get stitches without anesthetic, get my nipples repierced. I kept going to doctors and getting tests and pelvic exams. They assumed it was in my head, but I knew it wasn't because I've never experienced pain like this before or anything close.

I went through three gynecologists and it wasn't until I got an internal ultrasound that someone told me it isn't supposed to hurt. That I should go to the ER, but I didn't because I knew the blood tests would saying nothing was wrong. The procedure was supposed to be uncomfortable, but not excoriating to the point that this nurse in her 40s looked shaken.

So this time I go to a nurse practitioner in my family practice with a list of things I've already eliminated. She gives me a pelvic exam and informs me that these aren't supposed to hurt. That all those doctors in clinics, offices, and urgent care neglected to tell me that this wasn't normal. She also diagnosed me with vaginismus.

Here's where the fanfiction comes in. I thought that my symptoms of vaginismus were normal, so I'd write them into my fics. Now this blog is another place where my assault haunts me. I started writing these fics to make men less terrifying, because I needed a world with good guys. But the further I go in life, the more I'm realizing that good guys don't exist. Men I was sure were good betray me and my body and spirit are broken because of them.

So because I'm in a depressive episode, its hard to write. I can't get myself to write a sex scene, even though my ideas have been flowing really well. I've written several panic attacks and hurt/comfort where I can't find a resolution to the turmoil. If you want me to post that, I can, but I don't have smut for you right now.

This is kind of the one thing I haven't failed at due to mental illness. It's easier to watch it fall apart from a distance, but still not bearable. My brain just attached itself to the closest thing, which was my other music special interest. I've never been this fixated on something, this obsessive. Its horrible and I keep waiting for it to let up

My ED has been getting scary, and my new psychiatrist said it wasn't bad enough yet for a program. She's young and hasn't seen how quickly I can go down the drain. She also has over booked herself and my wait time between appointments has quadrupled. I just got back on my therapists schedule for the first time since mid-May. I'm hoping I can go back to ketamine therapy which means begging my narcissist of a mother for money I know she has but will deny me unless I participate in proper theatrics that will drain me of my last ounce of life force.

I'm sorry to not answer people personally, this is just all I have the energy for. Please give me a few weeks. I'm not abandoning this blog or this hobby. Also you don't have to worry about my safety I'm alright. Sorry for all the typos in this I'm exhausted. I hope everyone is doing okay.

-Eden <3

[lindsayrises]

Oh.

My.

God.

I have never felt more seen.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in December 2019.

I've been on medication for it since then.

Yesterday, after a week of being ridiculously unproductive at work, I was desperate for any tips or strategies to get more done.

I found a podcast on ADHD. I listened to 2 episodes while driving/running errands.

Oh.

My.

Fucking.

God.

I was nearly in tears.

EVERYTHING that was said is me.

I have FOREVER been cruel to myself, telling myself (and believing) I do (or don't do) things because:

*I'm lazy.

I'm stupid.

I'm unmotivated.

I'm not dedicated enough.

I must not care enough.

I lack will power.

*I never follow through with things/am unable to follow through with things. (I am particularly sensitive about this one. Something was said to me about this literally YEARS ago and I still get an uncomfortable feeling thinking about it and get emotional talking about it. I can think of 2 other instances where comments have been made to me about this - one recently, one years ago. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO insecure about this.)

(*these 2 are frequent topics in therapy.)

Seriously. Then when I struggle to get things things done, I beat myself up and feel like a huge failure. Rinse and repeat.

I always just thought, "I guess the medication must be working...maybe???". I never considered that there could be a change/improvement BECAUSE I THOUGHT "THIS IS JUST WHO I AM...I'll be like this forever. Past behavior habits prove it. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless to even work on. I'll never change."

I cannot tell how many things I've tried to do better...to be better. I have shelves of books I've bought - thinking, "maybe this one will help!". I can think of exactly 3 books that I've actually finished. Yes. Three. Planners and calendars? I buy a new one at least every 6 months. I use it for a few days and then stop.

It had gotten to the point where I thought, "Why bother even trying? Nothing sticks. Nothing works. And then I feel shitty for failing yet again."

I can't count how many times in the past 3 months I've thought, "Why do I even keep trying? I must not want to change badly enough. There is just something wrong with me. I'm done trying. This is me. This is my life. Deal with it."

So, I'm not (insert all of those negative things and more that I didn't list)??? It's just my fucking brain?

I actually feel hopeful...that maybe things don't have to be like this.

I would like to note that, no, I do not use podcasts and internet things as medical advice.

But wow. It all makes sense now...

Impulsivity (food and shopping)

Forgetfulness

Hyperfocusing

Easily distracted

Difficulty getting started

Feeling paralyzed because I'm overwhelmed

Rejection sensitivity

Noise sensitivity

Difficulty with grocery shopping, meal planning, meal prep, basically any part of the cooking proxy.

HAVING AMAZING PLANS THAT I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT BUT ABANDON SHORTLY AFTER STARTING (I'm looking at you, millions of "get healthy" plans and attempts). *****I cannot emphasize this one enough.

I have frequently thought, "I have so much I need to work on and improve about myself. Where do I even start?" and beat myself up about this, too.

I will sit in my classroom...terrified that someone will come in at any minute and see that I'm not working on something... haven't been working on anything...am close to tears because I'm so angry, frustrated, ashamed, and embarrassed because of this.

It.

All.

Makes.

Sense.

Yes, I will talk to my doctor.

But wow. How did I not realize that all of these things are connected??? Would/Could my anxiety and depression get (a little) better if ADHD was less of an issue?

This whole time I've been thinking that these things that I struggle with are because there is something seriously wrong with me...that these things make me a bad person and leave me constantly hustling for worthiness. But there's an explanation for ALL OF IT? And things don't have to stay this way - things don't have to be and won't always be so hard and miserable?!?!?!

Thank God.

Edit: I have to laugh. I've been up since 3:00 am. It is 6:00 and I'm just getting ready to go to work. What have I been doing the last 3 hours? Writing this. Reading about ADHD. Coming back to this and adding something new I just thought about/made a connection to, going to do something, coming back and adding something else to this, start and stop at least 5 different songs or podcasts on Spotify, and repeat. Oh, and mindless scrolling/checking of FB/IG/Tumblr. And looking at the clock - if it's 4:41 saying, "ok I'll get off my phone/stop doing what I'm doing at 4:45.". Loses track of time. Checks time. "Oh, now it's 4:47. I might as well just wait until 5:00.". This is me all the fucking time. I know it's illogical, but this is my life.

[vampir33z]

I keep trying to tell my parents that I use a cane and every time I'm met with disappointed "I've failed as a parent" looks. god forbid I use a device that makes me feel safe and steady. I don't want a diagnosis and a solution I want you to believe me. I want you to take me seriously. I'm not a project. you can keep throwing hundreds and hundreds of dollars at doctors to find your precious "normal results" but I hate normal results. I KNOW there's something wrong with me. just because my blood tests come back clean doesn't mean I'm not in pain every day. fatigue is not a trivial side effect of changing my meds around. fatigue is deep depression all over again. knowing how to do something and wanting to do it, but not being able. that affects me. no, I'm not going to quit my job "because we're financially secure". YOU'RE financially secure. I'm not. " let us take care of you" well you've spent 20 years proving you aren't able to do that. I've never been freer but I'm in a hole. you insist upon seeing me at the end of a long day. I've lost a classmate. I've lost a pet. I can feel myself losing my roommate. I've lost countless friends. and yet you pull the sad parent card that I haven't been seeing you enough? do you realize how much I'm grieving? I hate having to play mind games in order to not be HUNTED down on the streets of my town and still I'M the crazy one? I'm the one who needs help? I don't need help. I need you to realize what you did to me. I need you to realize that I am AFRAID to step outside for fear you'll sweep me back home under the guise of rescue. I'm done being manipulated by you I'm done with your sexual comments I'm done with being forced to forgive what I am only now recognizing as abuse. do you know why I have a medical phobia? it's because I was in and out of the hospital every single fucking week to find out what's wrong with me. and we still don't know. I was diagnosed with celiac and you don't even fucking believe me. same thing with ocd. what do you want from me? I'm not a human to you.

[eds-zebra-warrior]

Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 31 Community)

Not all health conditions have what they call a community or a group of others with the same condition coming together as a group to be with, support and help one another. Let's be honest, most conditions don't need a community. There's a lot of conditions that are very cut and dry and easy to understand. There's a group on Facebook for everything but I can tell you right now there's not going to be a ton of people in a Hemorrhoid support group. The EDS group is a very close knit group with much value and importance to those who are part of it and I'll be explaining some of those reasons.

Of course one of the most obvious with having a rare disease is to be able to meet someone like you. To know others exist and to share similar experiences with. You know you can always find someone there that truly understands what you're going through having a condition so disabling you tend to lose most, if not all of your friends, some even lose family. Rather it be due to lack of understanding, lack of belief, fear, or any other list of reasons it seems to happen to all of us. So this is a way to make friends just like us. Friends that won't resent us for the physical abilities we have lost or the lifestyle changes placed on us by this syndrome.

Another reason is well because it's rare. It's surprisingly difficult to find any good information about EDS on the internet when you first get diagnosed unless you know where to look. In addition to this being a condition that lacks studies and research it's also extremely complex. In fact before being diagnosed, even with going to nursing school, I had no idea something this complex existed. If you are ever trying to find reliable information about a specific aspect of EDS it may be really hard to find, especially if the topic you're looking for is very specific. You can go into groups. A lot of individuals have certain documents bookmarked or saved in a word document or spreadsheet and can lead you in the right direction. If we can't find a study done in something we can also use support groups to do our own informal studies. Just simply create a pole and let everyone chime in. Before you know it, if posted in a larger group you'll go check out your pole and may have two or three hundred answers to your question.

Next, with EDS pretty much any body structure is a free game which means lots and lots of comorbidities. A good number of comorbidities are common amongst us which means we always have someone to relate to and ask questions to. In addition to this you can expand your groups to include groups for people with those comorbidities further extending your knowledge and possibility of friends. Most doctors don't know anything about these conditions so that leaves it to us to learn everything there is to know about it. When you finally think you have read everything there is on the web, others read thousands of sites or journals you haven't come across and ones you have read they didn't know existed so it's all about learning together and having people who understand.

Being a condition that is so very painful and severely affects sleep as well as causing many of us great depression and guilt for what we've lost and the deterioration our body has been through as well as the feeling of loss. We feel guilty for everything we put out families through, for needing help, for canceling plans and letting people down. Not only as if what we once were has already passed away but also the loss of friends, many times every single one we had before this illness and sometimes family members. We grieve the loss and are angry to learn that people we thought were our best friends and would never leave disappointed in us like a used paper plate. This is also the time it dawns on us how many of these people used us when we were healthy to provide them with things we need. Most of us have OCD or are on the high functioning side of the Autism Spectrum so tend to take responsibility and do things right, including not letting down our friends and family very seriously. Most of us thrive on routine and rules and chronic illness often gets to a point that a lot of this is no longer possible forcing us to make decisions last minute, change them or cancel them last minute, not be able to complete things by a time we have set for ourselves etc and that's really hard. It's helpful to know others who are or have been going through the same thing and to know you're not alone, not the one letting yourself and others down and to be told it's okay and it's not our fault.

The majority of us also have Medical Trauma Induced Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We spent years of our lives rather you're lucky and got diagnosis in two years or ate 70 and have spent the last 55 years actively seeking a diagnosis we all have to fight for one, to see doctor after doctor and oftentimes the worst part of it all, be miss diagnosed with psychiatric disorders such as anxiety and Conversion Disorders. These are extremely dangerous and life threatening diagnosis for us because it essentially closes the door on even looking for a cause of what is going wrong with us. Conversion Disorder is a Diagnosis given after all other conditions have been ruled out the problem is, doctors use it as a crutch to not have to deal with us. We are also superstars, especially in the beginning at having beautiful results when it comes to basic blood tests such as a CBC. The problem is, again, doctors are known to cut corners because they like the majority of mankind are lazy creatures who tend to want to just get the job done. It doesn't matter if it's thoroughly done and done with utmost care to put as much effort into it as they can, it's just done and to them done is good enough so they do the common tests and call it done, close the book and slap a label of conversion disorder on us that follows us around for life for every other doctor to use as an excuse to say they are done too. It takes years to find a doctor who is in it for the better of the patient; one who is up for a challenge; one who is willing to do more testing and testing that is more advanced and most importantly, a doctor who believes us and is willing to go the extra mile. It's when these less common tests like a Tilt Table Study, Gastric Emptying Study, Urodynamics Testing, Upright MRIs instead of doing them in the prone position, Sweat Testing, a Sitzmark Colon Transit Time Study, a 24 hour urine test to measure histamine levels, skin biopsies and ultimately EDS Testing via either the Brighton score system along with a through study of the body and some questions used to determine a positive or negative diagnosis or Genetic Testing to determine a type of EDS that has a genetic mutation that has been discovered. Not all forms of EDS have had their genetic mutation discovered yet which is why the other study is so important. There are more tests that can be utalkzss than the ones mentioned but as you can see, none of these are tests that are done on a routine basis and a lot of doctors don't want to deal with them slapping the psychological, "all in our head" diagnosis on us prematurely.

This results in us without a diagnosis for what we have going on with our body. When this happens we aren't receiving treatment for the symptoms we are experiencing allowing them to escalate. To make things worse we are often given the wrong treatments, handed antipsychotic medications that cause even more adverse symptoms and don't work. When they don't work the doses are increased higher and higher resulting in more to go wrong with our bodies. This also closes the door to treatment causing doctors and hospitals to dismiss life threatening issues, sending us home when we are actually so sick we should be in the ICU. I myself was declared clinically dead at least 10 times before my diagnosis, four because my heart stopped and I went into cardiac arrest and the rest because my blood pressure would drop below 60/20 which in the medical field is a pressure that is considered legally dead. With all but one of these I was sent home within an hour to a few hours of it happening simply told that was weird and sent home on paperwork for Conversion Disorder, Hypochondriasis, or some other psychosomatic disorder and is I was lucky this would sent me discharging me with a diagnosis of low blood pressure and that was that. One of my codes my mom was in the room, thank God for her. When I code no one came. My mom went running down the hall begging for help pleading for a nurse to help because no one was running to my room. The nurse told her I'm probably faking it and just pulled my leads off and told my mom just to ignore me because people like me feed on attention. My mom ran back to the room and thank God had some medical training as a girl scout leader because she had to take first aid and CPR. My mom brought me back. The nurse walked in right after and checked my wires. They are still in place. My state as well as several others protect their medical personnel against malpractice suits so there was nothing we could do. I've been sent home with gastric ischemia which is a life threatening condition where the blood pressure increases to dangerous levels in the intestines. It can cause the pressures to get so high it bursts and dissects blood vessels in the intestines causing a person to bleed to death. I was sent home with a diagnosis of General Psychosis and Anorexia as well as treated for anemia and vitamin deficiency. They blamed it on anorexia, not the fact I physically couldn't eat and was having bowel movements that were nothing but pure blood that everyone. Refused to look at. I had an allergic reaction so bad it almost killed me and was sent home diagnosed with conversion disorder and sent to my doctor who wanted me in ICU but upon refusal from the hospital to see me again even with my vitals so poor my doctor had to take care of me basically sending me home with what I called a take home hospital and working with my mom over the phone to take care of me available all hours of the night. I had a nurse try to give me 50 times the dose of this same medication that caused this. Been sent home with intestinal blockages, hernias, extreme dehydration, a UTI after they said the results came back negative only to get them in the mail a week later to see they were positive and by that time my UTI was so severe I had a kidney infection and was in kidney failure. I've sat there days and nights in a hospital bed where nurses refuse to answer my call light saying I have a conversion. Disorder, don't need to be there and I'm wasting their time and resources taking up a bed for someone who is really sick and that they won't be coming anymore the rest of the night not knowing I was one of the sickest ones on the ward and just misdiagnosed. I've had nurses rip IVs out of my arm, ya know how they push you to your car when you're released? There are a lot of times they pull my IV, tell me I'm not sick anyway and can do it myself having to take multiple trips to get my personal belongings out of my room. When I lost the ability to walk I had multiple doctors tell me I could and would pick me up, put my feet on the ground and the. Let go of

dropping me on the floor. This happened a lot at OSU with their doctors. Again and again dropping me and seeing I didn't have that natural response to catch myself and went straight into the hard tile floor with my fragile and damaged connective tissue would they say hmm. You really can't walk then send another doctor in who would do the exact same thing. I got picked up and dropped four times by four different neurologists just in the first week of being paralyzed and it's happened time and time again after that at other neurology appointments. I could go on and on. This is the stuff a lot of us go through. It's extremely common with EDS, most of us have complex PTSD.

Most of us have an extreme fear of going to the hospital because that's when we are at our worst and at the same time, a time we get treated worse than anywhere else about our chronic illness. We go in knowing it's a game of Russian Roulette with a really high chance we will be sent home sicker than I came in. Worst of all, there's no way to treat our PTSD because it had to be treated by a doctor, the people we have the least trust in. Not only that but the cruel mistreatment never ends. Every hospital visit. I have had good nurses before but I have never gone to the hospital once where I can say everyone was good. I hear a lot of healthy individuals say endless good things about the hospital staff they had or they have some reason they have to go. When you have a rare invisible illness like EDS we aren't given that same care. The appalling lack of medical care never ends therefore it's impossible to even treat our PTSD. It's not like someone in the military who is in a war and when the war is over, it's done, they never have it go back and can get treatment and start to heal. It's like having to live the rest of their lives in that war as a POW who has been captured and imprisoned by the enemy and every time they get out they are found and imprisoned by another enemy and another enemy and then going to see a psychologist who happens for this only to find out the psychologist is one of those enemies from the other side who captures and holds others line you as POWs yet wants to try to help you get over everything that has happened to you even though you're still occasionally been tending by someone else and beat up before getting away again. Seeing a psychologist for us just doesn't work. We have no trust in the medical field and the gross mistreatment and lack of care is never ending. The EDS community can relate to this when one else can. While the healthy people we know, the people we grew up with, who became nurses and doctors themselves get mad telling us those doctors and nurses are heroes, they can do no wrong. That stuff doesn't happen, they are made up of the most caring and compassionate individuals. Those in our community and other rare or invisible disease communities know that degree of mistreatment all too well. We know the truth about the medical field.

We know they are no different than any other company. Identical to the people making minimum wage in a more trivial position such as a greater at a retail store. There are the good ones who take their job very seriously and want to do their job to the best of their ability truly valuing hard work and are highly motivated individuals but most people at a job are just working because they have to. They have bills but if they were multimillionaires there's no way they would be there now. They want to get the job done and go home. It doesn't matter how they get it done, it's just got to be done. These are quantity over quality people. They take working smarter not harder totally wrong, defining it in their mind as taking any short cut necessary to get it done. Ya know how at most jobs they would have, for example, 50 people but there are three of them that seem to pull all the weight. The three everyone thinks takes things too seriously because they hardly leave their desk or station. They don't take the time to walk around socializing and joking around with their peers. When things get behind they are the ones who stress and work really hard to get things caught up where others say I'm not getting paid any more, I'm not going to bend over backwards and stress about if they aren't paying me more. The three people first to volunteer for overtime and the least to grumble of the boss asks them to stay over another 15 minutes to finish something while on the other days a boss May say that if you get your work done you can go hike and everyone rushed to gst the job done to get out the door while those three are left sitting there at their desks to get the job done right whole also correcting others work that was hastily submitted so they could go home or start the weekend early. Just because someone is in the medical field doesn't make them any different from those who hold other jobs. If most of them won five million dollars they would be out of there. Forget the two weeks notice, heck they don't have to work anymore. Someone else can take their patients. If they're told its slow and they can go home when all the patients are out then one more comes walking in the door as they are packing up their stuff there are a lot if doctors will look to the people who are still working and say hey, I'm about to head out of here, do you mind taking this last Patient? It's human nature.

As generations have gone on more and more people are lazy and the medical field is no exception. When you're chronically ill and have spent a lot of time in the hospital it gets really easy to spot those three people. The ones who if they were multimillionaires may cut back their hours but would never dream of leaving their job because their job means more than money to them. They take great pride in making people better, getting them diagnosed, saving lives and they can't see life another way. Those are the good ones. The good ones line any other job. They are far and few, they pull all of the weight, are walked on by other staff members, their managers usually fail to see their accomplishments as they don't spend a lot of time just hanging out with workers at a patient's expense. They are the ones who will advocate and fight for their patients to all ends but like any other job, maybe five percent or one percent or any other single digit percentage of the employees are these people so EDS patients my get one person on their care team that is amazing, maybe two but will never get a whole care team and it seems like the good ones get more far and few the higher the position. I've had more caring and compassionate house cleaning staff. STNA's, more good STNA's than LPN's, more LPN's seen to be there for the patient then RN's and more RN's. Doctors.

I don't think I've ever had a bad Volunteer at a hospital. The volunteers just love to be there for the patients, to put a smile on their faces and to know they made a difference in our lives. Rather it be to bring us a coloring book and crayons, their Emotional Support Dog around to visit us (which is my favorite) bring us a warm blanket or fill up our water containers. I've had one bring me a card and a flower in a small tube of water. The volunteers are there because they want to be there, not because they have to be there. It seems like the higher the person is on the pay scale the more people are in it for the money. Money talks even if it's at the patient's expense and usually if you have a complicated or invisible illness like EDS you are the expenditure. A community is important to know we aren't alone, to share their experiences, some in the group have become medical advocates and will fight for others in their area who can't get the help they need. These advocates, especially the ones with lots of training are invaluable to the EDS community. They may not be able to fix our problems but it's nice to know there is someone out there who tried. When you're at your worst advocating for yourself is extremely difficult and sometimes impossible and oftentimes our families don't do a lot of research on their own so aren't able to advocate for us so having someone who can is more beneficial than words.

As you can see there are so many different reasons community is important and vital to all of us. Some use it simply as a way to relate or a way to make friends like them after losing the friends they had before their health declined to the extent their healthier friends no longer could relate to them and left. Many are involved in the community to gather information and gain knowledge about their conditions. Support groups are also there to talk, especially with so many who have PTSD. We can't trust a psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist as they are medical professionals and talking to a live person is more fulfilling than writing a journal that no one reads. Sometimes it's as if these individuals, having gone through this themselves, know just want to say and how to help us. Some are there as a medical advocate in their area. Someone who can be there for them in medical situations or even just to give them advice as to what to say to make doctors listen, direct them who to contact if they aren't receiving appropriate care and what to do or ask for from our medical personnel. Some even use these groups to find names of doctors that work with EDS patients or places to go where they may be able to get help or even ideas of what treatments work for others with similar comorbidities. There's even a few groups out there run by people who were medical workers before EDS ravaged their body to an extent that they had to leave the field. It consists of disabled nurses, doctors, radiologists and various specialists. This group works to tell us if we need a second opinion. We can post test results or imaging onto the page and since legally they can't have a diagnosis since they aren't currently working they give what's called a "non expert opinion, telling us what they see or would suspect and if we need to see someone else. I find all of these viral and that's why I see the EDS community as not an invaluable and essential part of my life and wellbeing as an individual with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Y'all in the village that have seen me recently

I apologize, y'all will just have to bless this sweet darling heart

My eyes have become super sensitive to the sun and I have to wear sunglasses (i got $250 worth of contacts with my stimulus check -- 12 boxes including one free sample due to the brand i purchased being discontinued suddenly and my prescription being out of stock - contact lens.com, i highly recommend. I did send inal a photo of my valid prescription) Usually I'm extremely picky and don't buy the lightly tinted lenses. But Wal-Mart had them on sale and usually that's all they sell. Usually i get mine from eBay and spend hours if not days searching for them cute and dark, zooming in the photos to see how the tint is reflected, refracted and if i can see through it. Usually sunglasses are very honestly shown for some reason.

Anyway so these are so thin I forget I am wearing them!

So, I'm all parading in Wal-Mart in purple sunglasses and all in the drive thru like an I don't care diva!

I don't know the origin, yet. Or where it came from... If it was just an agreed upon practice by international law or if it's just me. Idk.

But i think its rude to hide your eyes when speaking to someone. Like its not something conscious. I didn't sit around deciding it was a pet peeve or some law, but when i was a waitress tossing pizzas out the drive through pick up line or just a casual shopper -- people in sunglasses and not lifting them or removing them always bugged at me and irked me suspicious.

So I've been all parading around completely unaware because I've had to wear regular prescription clear lenses for so long that I'm used to the weight of glasses, especially in public because that's the only time I wore them. They just became part of me

And the tint is just see through light -- like the same color of my regular daytime light in my bedroom that every one says is dark. And a light bulb does illuminate. I'm very vampire dungeon darkness.

So I just wanted to apologize that i been all looking like Miss Princess don't care.

I always refused to buy light lenses because i thought they didn't work or weren't worth it. The sun here is so strong. But they do definitely help and are so comfortable i don't know they're in place.

So I care but my eyes hurt a lot. And the contacts kind of made it worse. Like when I take my non insulin diabetic shot, after 10 to 20 minutes I can feel it go into the back of my eyeballs and it feels so good!!

Its not a super pain or uncomfortable and its more when I don't sleep or am upset. I guess my pupils dilate weird

Which my eye doctor before the last, I was on Percocet and well the same 13 prescriptions as well as a few more for pain and so on. And he told me to be cautious as my pupils don't dilate proper due to "being so heavily drugged"

So who knows. I just try to avoid light.

And these sunglasses help and I don't know I'm wearing them. So I'm not hiding behind a mask and cute tinted sun glasses. I'm just protecting my eyes and preventing pain.

Like i say. The pain is from the brain to indicate a problem. So there's a problem Idk how to diagnose and verify or solve. So.

Its not intense just pressure and an auto response to avoid light. Like my kid turns on the lightbulb and I'm all its so fucking bright!!!! Although now the florescent burnt out thank God because that gave me migraines. And I got an LED. But the choices ar the dollar tree were limited to be 60 watt equivalent when I prefer a 40 watt or 30 even.

So I notice the intensity in my eyeballs changing in response to the light

When we lived in Alabama and we were about to move to NYC and my parents had always said Florida would be our next stop.

And i developed an allergy to the sun. A real allergy to the sun. It's a rare condition. My skin would marblize a red color and I would begin to feel faint and/or throw up if I was in direct sun.

It was right after Denise had become Zulululu.

And so I still have remenents of the non contagious disease. Although I was kept from school for 6 weeks... Like my legs if get hot then they get itchy and the sun irritates my eyeballs.

So I always buy sunglasses but I don't always wear them but have them available.

My daughter has the blue light blocker AND the progressive lens so that in the sun they turn to a light see through sun glasses. Zinnie.com I think I spelled it wrong m allong with a basic pair of clear glasses with a anti reflective coat for like $5 I paid about $70 for both. Never had any problems with Zinnie and even leaving them in a hot car was no problems. But a pair from firmoo I paid extra for the anti reflective coat and the lens coating melted in the car. So I'll never ever buy from them unless its a keep in the house pair. Wearing contacts and losing one on the beginning of a road trip where i was expected to drive -- it fell out my eye and ripped - it was old. And I didn't know or think about it and i had no back ups!! So i had to suffer the whole week. Migraines and all.

So in my luggage I keep a pair of contacts or glasses even when it's in storage. I keep a pair of glasses in my car in case of emergency. And firmoo completely failed me.

I've bought half a dozen or so from Zinnie. I call it Zin-knee-uh although it's probably just Zin-knee.

And noooo problems. Even with the advanced lenses which do work and are great.

Because I wear contacts, I don't want to invest in a good pair of glasses but my daughter solely wears glasses so I find it important to protect her eyes.

I get the anti-reflective coating -- the mid level due to at night lights. Without corrective lenses, lights look like Ferris wheels.

I literally can't see shit but 6 feet in front of me. I guess other people are not much different so. Like can y'all see a person 100 yards away? Like no? Right? I can see shadows and shit but I can't recognize people with my eyeballs until they're all up on me.

My uncle always says I'm gonna need a scope to shoot at night. -.-

I'm not quite Mr Magoo but I'm lucky as he is. Thankfully. (He's a cartoon, check him out. He's in YouTube)

And so my drastic apology for blatantly running around in sunglasses all rude and shit. Is done.

Also, while I'm talking about companies -- avoid PANTENE FOR COLOR TREATED HAIR. It strips rhe color out and is complete crap and the worst ever.

Herbal Essence and Loreal Elive are both fantastic to keep color treatments in.

I thought it was just our hair but ive been using PANTENE and my kid Herbal Essence and I see the difference.

Also I like my hair curly. And lantern curly didn't do shit. But Herbal Essence Twisted always has worked great. Not my personal favorite scent but tolerable.

Y'all what i need is a curly and color treated hair shampoo and conditioner at an affordable price. I've searched African American products and haven't found any with those labels. So Idk.

My scalp and hair is ultra dry due to scalp psoriasis and i can go a total 3 months of no washing without looking oily.

So i love African American products and buy them proudly in secret for myself! But i notice their bottles are smaller and more costly.

Except i found a leave in oil for only $3 which i use when i don't dye.

Foreign oils can strip hair color quite well as well as dandruff shampoo.

So I'm always cautious about leave in oils and lotions.

But PANTENE is a FAILURE.

Its my main switch. I use herbal essence and PANTENE and Loreal. Its a fact using the same conditioner and shampoo leaves a certain coating on the hair to cause it to be limp and flat and dull.

So it's always been recommended to use a clarifying shampoo and conditioner for a week then go back to the reg.

The same effect or nearly the same effecf is done by switching brands. So that's what I do.

PANTENE is now out of the equation.

Tio Nacho is a fantastic shampoo and conditioner. My daughter's hair was always unruly. Curly and just wild no matter what. And tio nacho is the only brand,to tame her to look like a human and not a wild lion. But I haven't found color protecting and it's $8 for only 12 ounces and so I find that expensive.

I buy the huge 27 ounces for $7. So.

But I would buy it for her. It helped calm the oily and wild mane.

My friend brushed her hair once and she was so surprised m she said that was like warm butter, lol. Because she always had wild corkscrew curls and some random straight ones she looked a wreck 24/7.

Truly I didn't mind I knew the truth. But tio Nacho has some miracle up in it. Swear.

PANTENE doesn't even have ordinary skills it claims to have m

So we may put Aussie in our loopm we use Tressemme when the cash flow is low.

I used to do live advertising and did the 3 minute Aussie miracle conditioner and that was always nice. The formula changed and it's not as wonderful as it used to be but its average. So i haven't had them in our loop.

Dove we don't like. Hers gets oily and crazy and i don't like the oil stimulation it causes. Idk maybe it's good but ... It makes me feel ick. Which is sad because I really wanted Dove to work.

PANTENE was my first "luxury" shampoo and conditioner i bought myself because i was raised on V05 and if I was lucky and Denise was nice, Suave. She literally bought the cheapest. And never bought extra conditioner and So i had to ration it. So my first self purchase on my own was PANTENE. But it is now a failure. -.- and lives are ruined and especially hair dos.

So now i used to buy my ex V05 ha!

And i have an emergency bottle of Tressemme 32 ounce under my bed for color treated. Conditioner.

We buy conditioner 4x more than shampoo. Because we coat it all --scalp to ends -- brush it. Then i rinse the heavy coat i soaked in while watching tv and smoking then I give it a light coat on the ends again and rinse.

Shampoo we just use one handful and not two or three and it foams up and so we don't need as much.

Like i use 2 - 3 pumps on my scalp of shampoo then one maybe two on the ends. The scalp i scrub the ends I rub.

Like now i have to dye again so I'll use a dandruff shampoo and I'll end up scrubbing all of my hair and use like 1/4 a 12 oz bottle. To get any deposits and leftover film and so on off all the hairs so they absorb the dye better. Then no conditioner. Or a light coat to detanglr and comb and rinse quickly without a deep soak. Then sometimes i gently apply shampoo again without a good scrub. Just run it through to remove the conditioner. But not to allow tangles.

Im not an expert or anything but hair care is serious around here and Idk why PANTENE is trying to destroy mine and succeeding.

I spend $50 every 2 months on just hair. For two.

One girl with a Mohawk and my long to the waist hair.

Two sides of her head are shaved every 6 weeks and she gets the same bottles as i do and then she's all "i need more" 0.o. Honestly she washes hers more often than i do.

We have our own buckets of shampoo and conditioner. Nathaniel either uses it or poisones it so we have our own large Easter buckets. And we store our towels in my room too. Then we have a 3rd bucket in case i buy in advance or like now give up on a bottle we were trying out. Save it. For days of emergency. Running out or so on

But we do borrow from each other if one or the other is low we take from each other to use.

We have different body soaps and different hair needs sometimes. Like i want curly and she's all nah. Or she has Tio Nacho.

We come from a 3 bathroom house so we're used to having our own product. Let me say it that way. But we always are good about sharing if necessary.

But she actually has more demands for bath stuff than I. So like her loofah and her body wash and all that isn't used by me and she knows its only all her Because I have my own bucket.

I cater to my kid. I Like it seperate too because her stuff is more expensive. $7 body wash and mine is $3 if i buy it. Otherwise i use shampoo. I do have hair in my armpits after all. And so i see hers and im all hmmm let me try this and yeah... "Idk how i used half a bottle in one bath" so it is more expensive!! So

While I'm buying 2x the shampoo and conditioner to supply 2 buckets -- in fact i am not spending more. If we shared the bottles as a person would expect, then we would go through them faster.

2 people in one bottle

Vs 2 people in 2 bottles.

So I have to purchase less often than if we shared but I have to purchase more bottles.

So in reality i pay the same price but the schedule and cost load is different.

Like if im out of conditioner, i know she will be at some point so i buy two bottles. And it waits until she needs it. Unless i need shampoo, too.

Then if she if she needs the shampoos then we buy all over again.

The cycle of life told in shampoo and conditioner.