#have spent way too much this month i am . so stressed abt money i want to explode

[arealcrow]

diagnosed with lack of a little treat. the outcome is looking grim

[planetsnakes]

I get this y'all right. I've never used AI to write an essay and never will

why the hell am i only given three months to write four different essays tho? Like sure some of the problem is my poor time management because I literally just became an adult.

For my dissertation I had to submit 3000 words (all jam pa ked full of fucking research) I had a couple of months to write this essay so what they did was wait until we had two months to show us how to write the essay, on a retreat which I couldn't go to thanks to getting sick. I asked if i could see the example essays another time and this just never happened due to copyright bullshit.

Now I didn't just get sick. I got really sick. 3 days in A&E just to be kicked out because they didn't find the problem. Literally everyone in my life is worried about me im so brave. The uni assured me this would be taken into consideration as long as I could get a doctors note.

I could not get a doctors note. They wont even pick up the phone it's been a month since I submitted this request.

So I spent ages setting up meetings to discuss with people in the uni my problems so they could write me a note. They didn't.

Now it's too far into the year to defer. I will lose so much fucking money if I give up now so here I go!

I completed the essay in like two weeks and I think i got something wrong on the timescale but ive been sick since november on and off getting better and worse.

I cant even remember writing a single essay for my university im fairly certain I'll never use these skills again because the only people who write academic papers are academics and I don't want to be an academic.

I can hear you saying "this isn't the norm"! Everyone goes through this at least once.

I know a lot abt uni life, I know a degree can be taken away if they found out someone cheated to get it no matter how long it's been since they got the degree. I know I didn't work this hard to never know if I could make it on my own merit

Yet there are places where the university could have supported me better. Students are expected to do so much and im gonna be so real the you're only cheating yourself narrative is just annoying. I could do this much better if every time I wasn't rushed because they gave me the resources last minute or constantly told me to check back later.

I'm fortunate enough to always get an extension when I ask thanks to my DID diagnosis & I actually considered myself lucky when I caught covid (yeah I also caught fucking covid I was sick for so long I missed so many lectures that I can't catch up on at all) but like seriously?

I haven't even mentioned the poverty, living conditions, the fact most of us have to work through uni, ow the internet changed the way unis talk to students, covid messing students up or international students and how unfair the system is to them.

I feel this could be a chance at a brilliant conversation about how much stress students are put under because even when we have the skills we don't get the opportunity to use them

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

[iraprince]

i saw your advice on breaking down tasks to be so small that you can handle them, any advice for when the task of breaking down a task feels too big? specifically i am in my first semester of college and im about 4 weeks behind in one of my classes and its stressing me out so bad i cant do any of my homework now. thanks

hmm... i have LOTS of experience with being behind on stuff lmao and have only started making breakthroughs on it recently. i’ll try to list some stuff that has been helping

1. no more “should.” you’re not allowed to say “should” anymore. “i Should be doing my homework” when you’re doing whatever (laying in bed being sad, scrolling tumblr, whatever) is not the helpful mantra you think it is. it’s just a guilt trip. instead you have to figure out how to give REASONS why you should do it. for me, that’s framing it as beneficial to me. “it would be in your best interest to go do the work you’re behind on. you’ll feel better if you do some of it, you’ll feel less guilty, and you’ll be able to enjoy your leisure time instead of just feeling Dread.” 

2. deciding on a plan has been helpful for me. what i’m working on getting caught up on right now is patreon rewards. it got to the point -- and i’m embarrassed even saying this -- where i owed almost ONE HUNDRED doodles!! (aaagh! what the fuck!!!! isn’t that fucking awful?) that is a disgusting number! that’s so fucking scary! i felt overwhelmed when it was HALF of that and felt like i was just standing there frozen watching the number go up and up and up. what finally snapped me out of it was i sat myself down and tried to spend as much of a day working on the stuff i was behind on as i could. i found out i can get about 10 of these done, if i work all day on them and don’t fuck around too much. so, hey, actually... if i get ten done per work day, i’m caught up on all 100 of them in 10 work sessions, which is about two weeks if i give myself two days off per week. that’s... literally not so bad, right? breaking it down into “you will finish this by X if you do Y amount per day,” instead of just frantically saying “YOU’RE BEHIND! IT’S LATE! CATCH UP AS FAST AS YOU CAN GO GO GO, WORK AS MUCH AS YOU CAN UNTIL IT’S DONE” is so much less scary and feels DOABLE and makes me feel like i have things under control.

3. BUT, you don’t just have the stuff you’re behind on. you have other new stuff you have to do too. you can’t just put all that on hold while you do the stuff you’re behind on, or now you’re behind on the new stuff too! i saw someone (i can’t remember who, i’m sorry) give advice that says even tho the urge is to do stuff in the order it came to you (the older the task, the sooner you do it), actually the only way to keep your head above water in cases like this is to do the stuff you have to do TODAY first, then use EXTRA time after that stuff is done to work on the stuff you’re behind on. to put that into my example, the stuff i have to keep doing day to day is.... i have to make enough money for the month. so i spent the first two weeks of this month doing commissions faster than i normally do, and made enough money to feel Safe, so that i felt like that part was Done, and now i’m using the second two weeks to catch up on stuff. if i’d tried to put the stuff i was behind on First, i would’ve been in a way worse situation this month and i might have fucked myself over.

4. communicate about stuff you’re behind on! explain stuff to your professors! i’m so bad at this. i was bad at this in school, and until recently i wasnt as good abt it w my patrons as i wanted to be. it’s because it feels embarrassing to say “im fucking up and it’s taking me a long time to get to this, i’m sorry.” but doing that reflects better on you than radio silence, no matter how it feels. you don’t look stupid and irresponsible for being honest about being behind on stuff - you look irresponsible if you just suddenly clam up and refuse to admit that you need time and that you’re working on it. it’s better to be as open as you can, and it makes you feel less like you have to Hide, which in my case just makes me freeze up again

that’s kind of all i’ve got rn bc i’m still figuring it out myself, but this is the stuff that’s made it easier for me

[loghainmactir]

hewwo! i was wondering if u could pls give me some advice on starting my transition? ive been so scared to start bc of family and costs but ive decided to just. do it. yknow? like if i don't ill probably die lol. u look amazing and rly confident in yourself in all ur selfies and one day i wanna be Like That ✌️❤️

hi! ok, so first of all: yeah, i absolutely can give u advice, and second of all: i remember feeling exactly like you did. it literally wasn’t that long ago, either, it was like. 2013/14/15 (i can’t remember, time is fake, whatever lmao!). third of all: bless u yr so sweet. i still have a lotta issues with confidence (i doubt myself, my talent and what i can do literally hourly), but honestly? i love my body right now. it’s a good, genderless body, goddamnit.

long, long post ahead bc i’m trying to think of things i did and good god please take it with a grain of salt because a lot of this is just me ranting about things i wish I’D done in my own position. i’m also coming from a place where HRT and surgeries AREN’T free, so that’s also A Thing. everyone’s experience is different.

transitioning (particularly medically) really super fuckin varies country by country (and honestly probably even state by state, age by age and fuckin gender by gender because cis people won’t let us fucking BE goddamn): i don’t know where you are, so my only tips there r: find a trans friendly doctor/endo (i was kinda forced to go through a hospital bc That Was How It Was here in good ol’ Australia), and one people wholeheartedly recommend, if you wanna go that route.

my first point is make sure you find safe spaces in every goddamn aspect of your transition. medically, socially, physically. if you think your doctor is refusing you treatment or is discriminating against you, you NEED to ditch that doctor. if your friends and family are really verbally or physically violent against LGBT folks, you NEED to leave that space if you can (or not come out and wait until you can leave. seriously. i’m kinda lucky– my grandma was verbally violent against LGBT folks, and initially my mum was skepitcal, but i convinced them both to go to a group for LGBT+ parents and friends and they slowly turned around). get yourself friends, get yourself allies.

i cannot stress that enough. my first doctor refused to send my referral letter to the royal children’s hospital gender clinic because even tho he presented as a “nice” guy, he believed that because this was “”””out of the blue”””” for me, he figured he’d just Not Send It (and tried to tell me that a lotta kids there didn’t actually helpo, lol). so there i was, a young 15-16 year old alister, waiting like 2-3 months for something that didn’t even get fucking sent.

join trans groups on facebook and in real life. seriously, they’re a godsend; there’s buy-and-sells, advice posts, encouragement posts. ESPECIALLY local ones. most of them on facebook are private, meaning no one can see if you’re posting/in the group, and it’s easy to check if they’re not. these fb pages + local groups are good ways to find trans friendly spaces and doctors. i found my current doctor, who’s actually one of the very few doctors who knows what the fuck he’s on about re: trans people, through a real life trans group. they were like “oh, you should see x”, and even though he’s about 30-40 minutes away from me, he’s brilliant and honestly saved my life.

along those lines: figure out what you want from your transition, and then realize & accept that this may change (and it also may not change!). very early on, i was super insistent that i wanted phalloplasty and to wear packers, and now i couldn’t care less. at first, i identified as agender, and then as a trans guy/ftm, and now i identify as a Black Hole (i’m kidding, don’t @ me). like, a lotta people DON’T change their minds. but i did, some people do, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own what you want to do with your body 

(sidenote: this also goes for detransitioning or stopping medical transition but continuing to socially transition/present differently. literally, it’s fine. it’s your body. fuck anyone who says otherwise.)

again: FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.

your body is literally your body. do NOT let anyone tell you what to do with it or who you are. i had people very early on scream at me (legitimately scream and throw me out of home, thanks grandma), tell me i wasn’t actually trans, and harrass me for this shit: but frankly, if i’d put myself back in the closet, i wouldn’t be alive right now. i would’ve killed myself years ago, and i wish i wasn’t kidding. if it’s safe, you need to stand up for your own body and your rights and put yourself somewhere that will allow you to follow through. you need to keep going and keep living.

my only other two pieces of advice are “patience, baby”– like, for real, every single part of transition takes time. this varies from where you are and who’s supporting you, but it’s generally true. it takes time for people to accept new names and pronouns 

(lotta people get furious about this, and i used to be one of those people, but hindsight’s a bitch and you gotta realize that… like, it’s hard for some cis people. you gotta give them a little bit of wiggle room, especially if they’ve never ever met a trans person before. it’s about reminders, reminders, reminders: which is SO hard if you’re not safe/don’t have the confidence. there IS a flip side to this though: if chad and stacey have known your new pronouns for months, now, and they keep “””slipping””” up, they’re not slipping up, honey. they’re doing it on purpose. kick their teeth in i’m kidding please don’t do this you know what i mean.)

it takes time for HRT to kick in. it takes time to gather a Look™ of your own you like, it takes time to build confidence to even tell people, it takes time to save up money for surgeries and it just… takes time. sometimes because it’s a naturally slow process, sometimes because cis people are Cis People and like to gatekeep. i remember being very young in my transition, sitting in the car after one of my appointments with the afformentioned shithead doctor bawling my eyes out because he’d told me i wouldn’t be able to access t for x amount of time and it was bullshit. this year i’ll be 2 years on t. wild, huh? there’s a lot of us and not equal amounts of resources (ESPECIALLY in public systems) depending on where you are, so you gotta be prepared to WAIT.

i’ll tell you what super helped me through those years: hyping myself up for other things! i still have the ticket from my first twenty one pilots show. that show meant SO much to me. i cried all through it, because waiting for that show kept my mind off of the wait for my royal children’s appointments (and even waiting to go up to melbourne bc my mum and i would go and get kebabs was a good thing to focus on!). keep things that aren’t trans related on hand (seriously i struggled with this because dysphoria and shit is fucking hard!! it’s easy to say but really fucking hard to put into practice).

(one day i’m gonna tell tyler and josh just how much they saved my goddamn life. i know they hear it weekly, but i will.)

my other thing is that uh. it won’t solve all your problems especially if you’ve got mental illnesses. this is a really fuckin depressing thing i had to drill into my brain, but it really helped. transitioning solved SO many of my issues. i no longer have back issues (thanks, like, literal kilo titties, lmao), i no longer have sore ribs and i can breathe and wear shirts. i lost so much weight (and am kinda gaining it back, but whatever). i no longer have anxiety about whether people can tell i’m binding– which is WILD because i used to stress the fuck out about it to the point where i never went out anywhere. i used to sit on the bus wondering if the person next to me could tell i had titties. now it literally doesn’t even register.

my issues now stem from PTSD, depression, BPD and ADHD. how do you fix this? you don’t. but what HAS helped is finding a therapist who won’t pressure you into talking about trans shit. lemme tell you: this shit gets exhausting after the fifth time of “oh i googled ‘can you become a boy’ when i was, like, nine” (this is my go to story because this memory is so vivid). of course, there’s gonna be moments where you HAVE to: my therapist recently actively asked me to briefly run through it for my PTSD report. but otherwise we literally haven’t talked about it and that is a GODSEND (because i don’t need it. if you need it, that’s good, too!). having a therapist that you can just wordvomit at wrt anything is literally the best thing and can be super helpful– seriously, there were a few trans-related sessions where i just snarled about the bullshit gatekeeping and the bastard i had to see for my therapist letter (oooh, every time i think abt the fact that it was something like $400-500 for two fucking sessions i get so mad lol), but outta 14 it’s really only like 2-3 of them.

but yeah. that’s it. i dunno, these are things that i’ve learnt and sorta… like to think as helpful for myself. of course, this could be different for you: you’re not me, you’re entirely different, in no doubt an entirely different country, social, financial, mental state. i was FUCKED UP when i first came out. i didn’t know that then, but i do now. i spent a lotta time by myself and that’s not healthy, so i really encourage you to reach out to our community, local and worldly, because oh my god, we’re here for you. we are SO here for you.

[xz017]

.

oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

[enchantechante]

Well,I was so excited about driving today that I couldn't sleep.I woke up and decided to drive to the store.My mom stopped me and told me she won't let me drive her car and now I have to catch a cab to/from.She won't be able to drive for maybe another two months because she just had surgery and I work not even fifteen minutes away.Smh. A complete waste of money especially since I'm saving to get a car.I have to start all over because I take care of my mom and I with no help.I'm pissed off that she won't let me drive the car. I put so much money into that shit.Weird as fuck she doesn't trust me to drive her car and I don't drive crazy at all. But family members have driven it meanwhile now I gotta find rides to and from work using money I've been saving to get another one. My friends always said my mom tries to set me back so I won't go anywhere and I believe it's true.And she has cancer so I really don't have a choice but to stay where I am and I pay everything.Hopefully things will get better for me soon because this is stupid.A car in amazing condition that I spent thousands of dollars to get worked on but I can't drive it.Just got it washed and filled the tank up too. It's just sitting there. Smh. Makes no sense.

Wow, yeah thats really messed up. Unfortunately its going to have to be an expensive lessons until you get your own vehicle.

I dont think it would be helpful to even discuss it with her any further. She knows you put money into that car to use it. So let it sit and rot and whatever happens to it happens to it.

And apart of it may be the control aspect of always knowing where you are.

Do your best to be there for yourself rn. Realizing you and other family members are noticing she feels a way abt you progress in life. A lot of times mothers are afraid/inhibit their own children's success bc of personal issues.

My mom used to tell me I wasn't going to loose weight. She found out I was dropping faster bc I was running on our abandoned garage treadmill. Then she said it wasn't well ventilated enough for me to do that but I couldn't crack the garage door. 🙄

Do your best to forgive her. The last thing you would want to be is added stress to her at this time. Focus on your exit plan, and be the mom you need for yourself rn.

[transrightsjimin]

tw negative // enlistment mention //

i miss seeing bangtan live so so much nd i shouldve known it was too good to be true that i could see them live w a good ticket through weverse membership at a concert right outside my home :((( now theres no concert nd i have no money for a future concert

nd if the pandemic is over or getting clearly better in 2021-2022 and they were to come to rotterdam after all, which im hesitant to believe in bc this city and country overall is such a covid hazard, it might not even be ot7 for a long while bc of jin having to e word or bc idk how long yoongis recovery takes :((

i just wanted to re-do seeing them live as i had such a bad depressive episode at the previous concert nd couldnt remember or focus on anything bc i made myself so stressed abt everything right before it nd nothing abt it felt real, but like in the worst way. i hate this i hate this

i just wanted to see them as 7 in person once more nd i had the money nd the ticket sale almost happened if not for the fucking pandemic, nd it feels so selfish to even complain abt that when theres obviously much worse shit going wrong in a pandemic!!! but god do i feel like crap knowing the one moment i looked forward to didnt happen nd now i dont have most of the money i saved up for a ticket, nd i need money nd we apparently do finally get welfare benefits or part of it soon, but i rly cant just rely on that for too long bc i do need a job for a better income, as the max we can eventually get is whatever additional money adds up to minimum wage for us both in total (1500 euros). but this isnt even liveable at all as we pay 550 euros rent each bc of sharing costs, and then theres groceries nd such which are around 200 per month each, nd then we’d already have spent it all but id still have my phone bill and eigen risico (healthcare) and CAK (healthcare) so thats already more nd it doesnt even add up to how i already am going to be over 200 euros in the negatives by the time i get benefits, nd u cant make more on top of it bc that just means a lower amt of benefits :SS

they rly just want to keep u poor i hate it so so much,  i need a stupid fucking job, im too devastated just thinking abt the idea of a tour happening when everythings safer and me not being able to get a ticket bc i have no money to save up with

[alien-origins]

azalea, begonia, bleeding heart, buttercup, carnation, chrysanthemum, daffodil, dahlia, dandelion, geranium, hydrngea, iris, lavender, lily, marigold, moonflower, morning glory, orchid, pansy, peony, periwinkle, petunia, poinsettia, poppy, primrose, rose, snapdragon, sunflower, tulip, violet, zinnia (some are probably spelt wrong oops) 💗 Have fun answering 💗💗

aaaah this is a lot!! i already answered one i think but i’ll answer with something else instead ! 💗💗💗 thank you for asking though 💗💗 

since this got pretty long i’ll put it under a read more!

azalea : what’s one word that describes you ?

bunny 

begonia : are you a messy or clean person ?

i am messy but i can’t function in messes and i love cleaning. i guess i just can’t do it at home bc it stresses me out a lot.

bleeding heart : has your heart ever been broken ?

not really? maybe by friends but not by a lover or so. i’ve had a few shitty people breaking my trust

buttercup : what are five things that make you apologetically happy ?

carnation : what are your five most played songs ?

she’s dreaming by exo, get out of my house by hyuna, time boils the rain by kris wu, love in colour by taeyeon (which always makes me think of @chogiwapark) and it was love by zico ft. luna

chrysanthemum : what are you afraid of ?

pretty much everything tbh, a lot of things scare me, casually sudden or loud noises scare me.

daffodil : what’s your astrological sign ?

aquarius and i’m pretty stereotypically an aqua so if you ever want to know abt me read abt them !! however i don’t do drugs :/// stop tumblr from stereotypically assume all aquas smoke weed.

dahlia : what’s your favorite band ?

ummmmmmm obviously bts ???? in case no one gets it i’m sarcastic i think we all know i would die for exo

dandelion : are you an extrovert or an introvert ?

neither, i’m a mix of both i guess. i like being around people and getting to know new people but i’m emotionally dead (typical aqua!) so i just don’t really know. 

geranium : how has your day been ?

it’s been okay! mostly sleeping and eating, catching up from the weekend of pride. i also got the notice i won’t be doing military service so that was good! i haven’t done much though, watching a lot of youtube.

hydrangea : what’s your dream job ?

being a fashion designer ! or a housewife to a rich man or woman, like i wanna be a pretty house wife that is really sweet and has my dog dressed in cute sweaters during winter. preferably being both!

iris : who’s your celebrity crush ?

kris wu yifan ooooh daddy 

lavender : what’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever received ?

i got a jade bracelet by my bff and it was really great and i just felt so happy receiving something that i wanted a lot and that meant a lot to me

lily : what’s something you’ve achieved that you’re really proud of ?

my small collection of clothes i did last semester, it felt great to create something and put it out on a catwalk. and the praise of my work afterwards was really great and i felt like i was on cloud nine !

marigold : what would you like to do more of, but don’t ?

sports, i would love to go back to doing badminton or jujitsu, i was good at it and i really enjoyed doing those things but i feel kind of…like it’s too late to pick it up again and there are other family stuff that’s in the way

moonflower : who inspires you ?

lee chaerin, kris wu and bea szenfeld. bea i’ve met and worked with for two months (if not more) and she’s a large inspo when it comes to wanting to make it as a designer. chaerin has always been a huge role model for me and i’ve looked up to her since maybe 2010?? and kris, daddy, he just shows that even if you’ve been at the bottom and you want to change something in your life you can. you can break away from something toxic and bad and still come out on top.

morning glory : are you an early bird or a night owl ?

early bird for sure, if i get up after 9am i feel anxious all day bc i loose so many hours of the day.

orchid : what’s the last movie you saw ?

a animated dc movie with batman, don’t remember the name

pansy : do you believe in love at first sight ?

not really, i’m not so sure abt romantic love and i still d on’t reaaaally believe in it so like nah m8. but idk maybe it’ll happen to me and i’ll change my mind!

peony : what does your url mean ?

i’m kai’s mother ( daddy)

periwinkle : what are you thankful for ?

life, i love living even if the world is shit and i’ve been through a lot of hard times and i have realized that i want to see as much as possible and love as much as i can, i just want to be happy ya know

petunia : where were you ten years ago ?

well i was 8 so like i was probably playing with friends, but i was also an 8 year old with anxiety and depression :))

poinsettia : where would you like to be in ten years ?

waking up in a large soft bed with yifan next to me :(((

poppy : what’s your online persona ?

i don’t have one, like, i think i’m way tougher online bc i start crying when i encounter any conflict irl 

primrose : if you could share one message with the world, what would it be ?

stop being assholes i want to see children all over the world being happy and being able to walk out and play without being scared

rose : who’s the last person you spent quality time with ?

my two friends yesterday when we had dinner after the pride parade!

snapdragon : what are your goals ?

to become rich, live by the ocean, sit on yifan’s dick at least once and like be remembered when i’m gone

sunflower : what’s your favorite quote ?

the one where luhan says “is there anything better than living” it still makes me so happy and i feel amazing, i’d tattoo it 

tulip : if you had three wishes, what would you wish for ?

world peace, infinite money and eternal life ! 

violet : what’s one thing most people don’t know about you ?

i’ve done a lot of things for money 

zinnia : do you believe in magic ?

i mean, what’s the fun totally denying there is no magic at all in the world? something has to be magical, for me it’s watching the stars and watching the waves 

[hufflepirate]

I’ve had a kind of weird week, so I’ve been thinking a lot abt self-care?  So, when I first started hearing about self-care as an idea I had a lot of misconceptions and didn’t really know how to apply it and sometimes made things worse trying to make myself better?  So I’m gonna write out some of the things that work for me now when I’m doing self-care and taking self-care time for myself.

For me, self-care is more about respecting and listening to my body and instincts than it is specific actions.  Like, initially I just saw lists of like ‘take a bubble bath!’ ‘read a book!’ ‘eat a good meal!’ and that’s all good and well, but just Doing Pleasant Things is no good when I do them desperately and for the wrong reasons.

Self-care, for me, means reminding myself that I’m a finite being who’s allowed to have limitations.  It means that when my body says ‘I am too tired to keep doing this’ I say ‘ok ur too tired to keep doing that’ instead of saying, like ‘ok but also u pulled all-nighters all the time 5 years ago ur not that old yet wtf’ or ‘other ppl are still working probably what is wrong with u?’ or ‘too bad ur prob making that up and anyway we gotta do the thing’ or ‘tough noogies have some coffee idc that u have a stomachache it’s only for a little while longer u can puke when this is done.’  Self-care doesn’t always mean that I go get a full 8 hours of sleep, but it does mean that I take my body’s needs seriously.  It means I get to put my needs at least on par with whatever it is I’m trying to get done, instead of below it.  It means thinking holistically and remembering that whatever task I’m doing, I’m doing it as a specific, embodied human with specific talents, abilities, strengths, weaknesses, interests, and limits.

Self-care means staying in tune with the rhythms of my life.  It means knowing how my own REM cycle works and taking it into account when I decide when to go to bed and get up and whether to nap and how long and all of that.  It means remembering that my life is more than a specific day and I need to live like I also want to be healthy 3 days from now and that if I push myself too hard and then collapse on the next free day I have, I’ll never actually enjoy myself.  It means backing down when I have a headache and figuring out if I’ve forgotten to drink my usual amount of water or if I’ve missed my usual morning caffeine or if I’ve not slept long enough or spent too much time in front of a screen or missed out on social time and over-stressed myself or whatever else.  

Self-care also means living with Future Me in mind.  Future Me needs me not to push myself to collapse rn.  Future Me will benefit if I do the 12% of this task I’m probably up to, even if Future Me thought I was going to get 50% of it done today.  Both Present Me and Future Me will benefit from eating some vegetables.  Even if ‘eating some vegetables’ means a sandwich on the go with lots of lettuce bc I still haven’t been to the store, Future Me will still appreciate the veggies.  Future Me will not appreciate the way she feels if I refuse to sleep and make myself do tasks poorly, painfully, and ineffectively and eat nothing but cookies instead of taking the time to find better food.  Even if doing all the work I imagined I should would mean leaving no work for Future Me to do, not doing all the work I imagined I should will mean Future Me is strong enough to handle the work I leave for her, instead of collapsing into mush.  Future Me pretty much always turns out to appreciate that.

Self-care also means giving Future Me some credit.  She’s stronger than I think she is, so while I can and should help her by doing what I can now to take things off her plate, sometimes just helping Future Me be strong enough to cope is good enough.  Often just helping Future Me be strong enough to cope is good enough.

Self-care, for me, also means always having a set of possible standards I’m ok with.  I think a lot about that Ron Swanson thing ‘don’t half-ass two things, whole-ass one thing’ and I think generally it’s pretty good advice, but also, sometimes u have 2 things and u have to do them.  Sometimes u have 5 things and u have to say this is the one I care about enough to whole-ass and then I’ll half-ass these 2 and quarter-ass this one and worry about the mess in the kitchen some other day also u can pay money for ppl to bring food to ur house.  Self-care means reminding myself that I literally can’t do everything all the way all the time and letting myself make new plans that respect that.  It also means letting myself over-achieve on those goals a little bit, as long as I’m focusing on the stuff I care about.  Self-care means not letting myself feel like I’m just getting dragged around by the world instead of making my own choices.  Obviously, I still feel dragged around sometimes, but deciding to do a little when I can and that different standards for different tasks at different times is ok helps a lot.

Idk, this is pretty vague and not nearly as specific as ‘I felt crappy yesterday so I did some yoga and took a shower and wore comfy jeggings and worked from home instead of leaving my apartment’ but I could have done all of those things and still come out of it feeling crappy.

It worked because taking the time to feel my body and breathe deeply and reconnect with my physical being helped me trust my own instincts/self-knowledge after an emotionally tumultuous and mood-swingy week.  It worked because telling myself that I was allowed to take a shower purely because I wanted one and not because it was the time on my how-to-not-be-offensively-greasy-around-others schedule was telling myself that the feeling of wanting a shower was real in the moment even though I usually hate having to shower, and that I was allowed to want that and allowed to give myself that.  It worked because jeggings and a bra under my t-shirt make me feel like I’m dressed and give me that Dressed And Out Of Bed confidence/competence boost, but are not much less comfy than pjs.  It worked because I got some work done instead of none, and because it took the pressure off.  It worked because I had reframed doing 25% of the work I’d wanted to for the day as doing 25% more than if I had stayed too anxious to start any of it and frittered the day away feeling bad about myself and waiting to Magically Start something I wasn’t up to in that state of mind anyway.

So that’s a lot of rambling but anyway there it is.  I ordered a pizza box tonight because I should have gone to the store more than a week ago and still haven’t, and I’m gonna eat it for at least 1 more meal before I go to the store and maybe 4 meals, idk yet.  I’m sore from yesterday’s incredibly basic yoga video bc I haven’t done any in months and don’t really work out beyond walking places when I can get away with not driving.  I’m not exactly the poster child for yoga-and-vegetables holistic living.  But, like, when doing those things is part of Treating My Lived Experience As Valid I can do them without feeling guilty for all the times I didn’t and I can respect myself for making other choices at other moments like taking a nap and ordering pizza, which I’m actually still feeling super duper good about.  I did slightly more than the minimum amount I wanted to get done and ended up meeting my middle goal for work this evening, and I’m super excited about those cinnamon bread sticks I’m gonna eat for breakfast tomorrow.

[weirdlywisely]

Yearly recap : 2017

I’ve done that the past two years and idk i think it’s good to do it and i like doing it anyway so here is my thoughts abt my 2017

So many things happened tbh idk if i’d say 2017 was a good year objectively, but it wasn’t that bad of a year for me

so ! i noticed i didn’t mention it at all but this year has been both really hard but also really good 

really good bc I finally moved out ! I’ve been living with my best friend officially since July but really since the end of August and I couldn’t be better ! 

i love my family i really do... but we’ve been at each other’s throat for like more than a year... if it’s not me and my parents, it’s me and my brother, or it’s my brother and my parents, or my brother and my sister... it’s very tiring... im tired of fighting with them... I really am... but im better since i moved out and see them less! i will have to move back in for summer bc im leaving Toulouse normally but it’ll be good i think

but i should do smthg in a more organized manner hahaha 

January was... plain bad... I was still in my double degree thing that exhausted me so much ! and i failed one of my final badly so i was really feeling awful (got my degree in the end thanks retakes) but i got back on my feet ! january was also bad bc i applied for an abroad exchange but was refused pretty harshly. if im being honest that hurt a lot... i may have cried bc i didn’t know what to do if i couldn’t go abroad and get away... but i got back on my feet and i was more or less okay!

I met two wonderful online friends for real this year ! and let me tell you IT WAS AWESOME ! took out quite a chunk of my savings but it was totally worth it ! but with all the money i spent on travels these two years im probably not going anywhere by myself in 2018 hahaha 

I met Mathilde in February and went to the eastern part of France, where i never went tbh it was a really fun week ! idk how long we had known each other but it was a loooooooong time hahaha 

I also met Lark in May! we took a little roadtrip in the US it was super fun hahaha i never went to these parts of the US so it was super cool to see ! could have done without the “guns make sense” signs... those were awful and didn’t actually make sense but ‘murica my guy

in the end got my English degree (look who has a valid college diploma !) and got my DEUG with an AB (ITS NOT EVEN WRITTEN ON THE DIPLOMA IM SALTY I WANT MY MENTION !!)

I am honestly focusing on the good bc the first half was hard but the second half of 2017 was better, and seeing friends i hold dear was just sooooo good and such an highlight of my year ! 

i went to Peru with my family for the summer it was super cool ! i met such great people and it was so interesting ! as you know my spanish just sucks but i have the best spanish in my family so i talked quite a bit and it was very fun hahaha there’s one thing im so angry about ! i was sick, like very sick for three days... Which three days ? the ones we did the Machu Picchu ... so i still went up but sat down on a bench at the entrance bc i couldn’t walk without wanting to puke... Fun story, the first day we had to do the famous hike to get to the Machu Picchu with guides and all but i was feeling so badly i couldn’t do it so i took the train all the way to the town and i was told someone would tell me where my hotel was... the guy didn’t... so i went out of the train station, feeling half dizzy half wanting to cry, i saw a guy on a bridge and asked him in spanish if he knew where my hotel was... he seemed all confused so i asked in english and one of his friend arrived and tried to help me with google maps but sent me on the wrong way hahaha so i walked a bit but felt so sick i wanted to cry so i sat down and a few minutes after i saw two guys who seemed to know where things were, so i asked them in spanish if they knew where my hotel was, and they said they knew and i asked if they could tell me, and they were like “oh no we’re leading you there” and like they did and one of the guy tried to speak with me but i was feeling so bad my head was spinning and i couldn’t understand half of it bc it was too fast and i apologized bc of that and then i thanked them so much bc that was so nice and i just spent the rest of the day sleeping bc i was dying inside!  it was such an experience hahaha also before that i went up 4910m ! and man that is high ! you can feel the lack of oxygen ! i loved it it was soooo cool ! 

if there’s one thing i know, it’s that traveling and experiencing new things is something i love ! it’s like the one thing that doesn’t fail to cheer me up soooooo

this year has been very good to me but also very bad... my lows have been pretty awful but i think i managed to open up abt it and get better. i mean im still not fully okay but i’m recovering pretty well, i mean ive never been that bad so it’s pretty okay.. like yeah there are still moment when i want to die or stop existing, and you know some thoughts aren’t the best... but im hopeful for the future so there’s that !

i mean, i didn’t think i could get my english degree bc i hated it so much it basically made three years of my life hell bc i just couldn’t stand it but i did it ! i thought i wouldn’t ever be able to let go of the “fake your confidence” thing but i feel like it’s less fake ?? im better with myself and im starting to actually like myself a little ? bc im trying to become a better person, im trying to become more compassionate and more helpful bc i am trying to better myself 

is anxiety still fucking up my life ? yeah it is, but guess what ? i can do it! what my brain is telling me is wrong ! i can do it, people aren’t laughing at me, i’m not making a fool out of myself ! and if i can’t do it ? i have a great best friend who knows that i sometimes cna’t do things and is willing to help and that is just so helpful ??? i sometime worry that i rely too much on her, but actually i trust her to tell me if im bothersome or whatever so it’s great ! 

honestly, i am hopeful for the future it’s so strange ?? i didn’t think i could have so many things i want to do ??? like i know what i want to do with my life ! i am stressing over which masters i want to apply to and creating so many other plans in case im not accepted ?? i want to travel the world ! meet new people ! see new things ! learn more ! 

it’s honestly crazy.. four years ago ? I was almost certain i wouldn’t be alive at 20, and now ? im 21 and im getting my life back on track ! 

another pretty big thing for me was that i cut my hair ! i had cut it all off very short back in may or june 2014 and two months ago i cut it all off at around the middle of my neck and it’s been soooo liberating ! im gonna cut it back shorter bc it’s way too long but wow! 

i feel like i am actually growing as a person ??? idk the me from last year and the me from this year, we’re not the same ! im getting better ! 

tbh 2017 was a train wreck i mean im still a train wreck but a train wreck who wants to get better sooooooo ! 

2017 was hard, but seeing friends and traveling helped a lot, i think those few days away from home helped so much, and just moving out it was just great ! don’t get me wrong i had very bad breakdowns while living at my flat but i didn’t have to call my best friend crying bc we were fighting with my parents sooooo yeah

lots of negative this year, not gonna lie, but ! like the idealist fuck i am i am hoping that 2018 will be better ! i mean i have so much planned ! im not gonna let anything set me back ! fuck it !

also i got a job this year ! i tutor people in english so it’s pretty good and it gives me experience ! my résumé isn’t empty anymore yay !

also im better at standing up for myself so it’s good ! i can finally just say what i think, not fully but more than before !

So basically in 2018 i want to try and improve on myself more ! i want to be proud to be myself soooooo 

i’ll try to talk to more people on here i think bc i really want to talk to people and i just am super shy but idk i want to talk to people and have more friends so why the fuck not hahahha 

i’ll also probably confess to my crush... tho i hate that i have a crush on him bc he’s a friend and all but idk i feel like it’s either to move on once it’s out soooooo 

i also want to learn how to dance bc i have way too fucking much energy and idk i don’t want to start any combat sport and i really want to learn how to dance even tho i am as graceful as a drunk hippopotamus hahaha

and finally i want to seriously get back intro writing and drawing ! it has been hard last year bc so many fucking classes and pressure but idk im motivated ! tho i always say that hahahha 

in conclusion, just be kind to yourself in 2018 ! you’re improving but it takes time ! i really hope i can look back on 2018 and be like “yeah i did it, im proud of who i am and where i am”