#have done the reading and chosen some of my favorite quotes

[estebunny]

esteban ocon on gp racing april 2024

[hatterladz]

“Yes, dear,” Fanny said. A damsel in distress. A cussing damsel in distress. She didn’t need saving. She’d chosen this. Had Cup done the same? No, he was a child. It had to have been different. Was he waiting to be saved? Why couldn’t he save himself? Fanny spotted her reflection in the hallway mirror. Why couldn’t he save himself?

-Chapter 348: Rabbit Reflections

No Text and Rambles below

"Why couldn't he save himself?" / "Why can't I save myself?"

I jumped through so many hurdles to try to get this finished. From making an entire wallpaper pattern that I'd only fade and edit to my desires to having an entirely different drawing as a reference picture so I could figure out how to draw her all the way to looking up dozens of references in the 1920s. I was determined to finish this.

I would've used text but procreate doesn't have that? Not that I've found. So my handwriting it is. Hopefully it's legible, if not that's the quotes underneath that last picture. I went with color instead of grayscale bc I missed my colors... How am I supposed to thrive without my wacky colors?

Now to talk about Fanny, so headsup some mentions of domestic violence this does get a bit more serious.

This version of Fanny is my favorite character when it comes to depictions of abusive relationships hands down. I've been in a similar situation in my life before so to grow up, get older and understand these subjects and to see how well it's depicted and carefully it's treated has me jumping off the walls.

This moment specifically hit hard for me. The implied "why can't I save myself?" as she looks in the mirror, was painfully relatable. I don't think most understand how genuinely difficult it is to leave an abusive partner [especially as a woman in the 1920s!!! I hope Fanny gets out okay!] and how much more you'd have to sacrifice to get out of that situation

No matter how much support you have it will ALWAYS be hard. I especially love how Cup's relationship with Fanny has shifted from romantic to Cup genuinely trying to support her and how Vicious coached him. Because yes that's the correct thing to do. Which is to be there for them.

No matter how much you want them to leave them or for their s/o to drop dead or how frustrating they are about staying, the most important thing is to support them.

I hope I did this scene the justice I was thinking of giving it when I read this. I do love Fanny and hope to see her in a healthier situation and picking up better habits. Which might be the direction she's going with recent events, so that's exciting!

Anyway I've rambled enough lol hope you guys like this it felt like forever to finish it

[lucidlivi]

Chosen For Pleasure (XIV)

Series Masterlist/Warnings

Tag List: @ladysparkles78 @suckitands33 @little-x-wolf @stoneyggirl2 @creative-writing92 @jc-winchester @mrsjenniferwinchester @lessons-of-red @jamerlynn @deans-spinster-witch @kazsrm67 @deans-baby-momma @willow-sages @ritz-hell-hotel @perpetualabsurdity @mhessellund @itzabbyxx @chriszgirl92 @abbybarnesstuff @larrem88 @commonsenseishard @impalaspixie @notsogoofyjelly @hzllxhoundxx @taylortots-world @k-slla @heavenlyackles @spnfamily-j2 @buckybarnes-1917 @foxyjwls007 @spnbaby-67 @readingsins @lauraashley93 @antisocialcorrupt @anixiiee @jackles010378 @alternativeprincess @rosecentury @lelilw1 @cevansbaby-dove @cutedisneygrl @djs8891 @bakugouswh0r3 (thank you to everyone who's been here since the beginning, thank you for always hyping me up and for loving this story! If you want to be added please let me know! It's only going to be a few more parts, so get in while you can!)

I hid a quote in here from one of my favorite tv shows, besides supernatural of course... see if you can catch it! If you can, let's be best friends!

gun violence and mental illness talk at the end of this chapter, please read with caution if it is triggering to you in any way.... if you are struggling with mental health, please reach out! I love you and I'm happy you're here!

"is this really necessary?" I asked Jensen, my eyes befalling the large man in a suit standing next to him.

"yes, until they catch Riley, I'm not risking your safety... besides Mark's a professional, he knows how to be discreet, you won't even know he's around." Jensen said kissing my cheek.

I highly doubt that.

A big burley security man following my every movement.... yeah they'll never see him coming.

I sighed deeply, knowing I'd never be able to talk Jensen out of it.

I stood on my tippy toes connecting his lips with mine. It was a short brief kiss, but it was all I needed to get my heart racing.

"I should go, don't want to be late for my first day as Chief Editor." I said leaning in to Jensen's warm embrace.

"I'll pick you up after work, we have some things to discuss."

"things to discuss, what sort of things?"

"you never answered my question." Jensen smirks knowingly before departing.

It's been a hectic few days, my mind has been on overload. I'm lucky I even remembered to put pants on today. Of course I haven't been able to think about Jensen's proposition of moving in with him yet. I definitely needed to talk to Stella first.

"Mark." I said nodding my head at the tall man.

Mark starts to follow me in to the building quietly.

"who's the big dude?" Stella says as soon as we get inside.

I let out a sigh, so much for being discreet.

I roll my eyes as my coworkers glance at Mark, who's right on my tail.

"Mark.." I answer shrugging my shoulders.

I walked past everyone, going to my new office. I was surprised to see it was completely different than the last time I had been in here.

"I uh redecorated, I thought it would help ya know, so you didn't think about it." Stella said from the doorway.

I looked around the spacious office, every trace of Gray had been erased.

"I love you Stell." I said, a tear in my eye.

I engulfed my best friend in a hug. We stood in each other’s embrace, smiling.

"Sooo do I have to call you Ms. (L/N) now?"

"Oh god please don’t!" I laughed.

I took a deep breath, a comfortable silence fell between us.

"this is crazy right, I mean your life has done a complete three sixty."

I let Stella's words sink in, she was completely right. A few months ago if you'd told me this would be my life, I would've laughed in your face.

"it totally has... sometimes I don't even know how to keep up." I admitted glancing at Mark who stood outside my office like a soldier.

"okay what's up with Mark?" Stella giggled looking at the large man.

"I'm afraid Jensen insists, just until they catch Riley."

"ah yes, the crazy."

"Stella, she's not crazy, she's mentally ill."

I could see Stella noticeably roll her eyes.

"why are you defending her, she literally wants to hurt you (y/n/n)!"

I chewed on my bottom lip nervously as her words sunk in.

I didn't know what Riley's intentions were, but from the damage done to my car, I gathered that we wouldn't be talking over a cup of coffee anytime soon.

"I’m sorry, I know things have been crazy for you, and I just want you to know that I'm here, to listen, to talk, to eat our feelings away with chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream... whatever you need." Stella said giving me a warm smile.

"Jensen asked me to move in with him." I blurted out, the thought weighing heavily on my mind.

"oh my gosh, that's great!" Stella squealed.

"it is?" I question, surprised by her reaction.

"it is if that's what you want?" Stella questions.

I look at the pretty brunette sitting in front of me. I didn't know what I did to deserve her friendship some days.

"I really love him Stella." I whispered.

"then you should do it."

"but I'll miss you.."

"please, you can't get rid of me that easily.."

I engulfed my friend in another hug, squeezing her tightly.

"am I interrupting something?"

I let go of Stella to see David, the owner of the magazine standing in the doorway.

"no, I’m sorry sir." I said smiling.

"just wanted to see how you were settling in, and ask if you made any progress on finding me some new voices?"

I smiled widely at Stella.

"yes sir, in fact this is one right here! Stella is the best journalist we have." I said pushing Stella forward.

Stella nervously smiled at him.

"Stella is it, well why don't we go have a talk then?" David said reaching out a hand for her to shake.

I beamed with pride as I watched them leave the office to settle in the conference room.

I could never repay Stella for how much she does for me, but this was a start.

I heard the office phone start to ring, snapping me out of my daze.

"Ms. (L/N)" I answered.

I heard Jensen chuckle on the other end.

"Ms. (L/N), sounds incredibly sexy when you say it." Jensen purred.

"oh please, I thought I was going to come undone, the first day you said my name." I shot back.

"I was just calling to see how your first day as chief editor is going?"

I felt the smile grace my face.

"good actually, it's kind of making me nervous.." I said picking my nails.

"why is it making you nervous?"

"have you ever heard the term regression to the mean?"

"no.." Jensen said sounding confused.

“It means that life can’t ever be all bad or all good. You know, eventually, things have to come back to the middle.”

"I'm not understanding baby."

"I mean that everything's been okay lately, you know, we're okay, the jobs okay, Stella and I are okay.. the middle."

"so you mean things are about to get really good.." Jensen started

"or really bad." I finished cutting him off.

"sweetheart I think this whole Riley thing has you worked up, everything will be fine, okay, nothing is going to happen." Jensen reassured.

He was probably right. I mean this whole Riley situation did have me pretty worked up.

I just felt it was something more though, like there was something looming over us and I just couldn't figure out what it was.

It could've been my conversation with Elle too. I couldn't get her words out of my head... I just want to know who my competition is.

What did that even mean?

Was she going to try to steal Jensen away from me?

I guess it would be steal Jensen back, considering she had him first.

I didn't realize how quiet I was until I heard Jensen's smooth voice through the speaker.

"baby talk to me, what's going through your mind?"

"I think you're right, I'm just a little overwhelmed, I guess Mark wasn't such a bad thing." I said staring at the man who hasn't moved from the entrance of my office.

"see I told you..." Jensen said in a teasing tone.

"I don't have to take him everywhere do I? He's not coming home with me!"

I heard Jensen's hearty laugh boom through the speaker.

"he's definitely NOT going home with you.. he's just for when I can't be with you to protect you."

"my hero.." I swooned.

Jensen laughed again.

"I miss you already." I whispered.

"oh god I sound so needy." I added quickly.

"I miss you too.."

"so I uh talked to Stella about your proposition." I said biting my thumb nail.

"oh yeah? and how did that go?"

"good.." I answered being vague in my answer purposely.

"and do you have an answer for me?"

"yeah..." I whispered not being able to fight the smile on my face.

"well get on with it then, c'mon woman you're killing me here." Jensen whined.

"I mean, I'll have to get some things from the apartment." I said.

"so that's a yes?"

"yes Jensen, I'll move in with you."

****************************************************

"Are you going home? I'm going to grab some things and stay at Jensen's tonight." I told Stella as we gathered our things, the end of our day approaching.

"No, Matt's taking me out to dinner to celebrate my new promotion, thanks for that by the way! I can't believe I'm the new lead journalist!" Stella squealed making me smile.

"I didn't do anything, that was all you."

"Still, I couldn't have gotten it without you putting in a word to David for me."

"It's the least I could do, you do so much for me."

Stella wrapped her arms around me squeezing me tightly for the third time this day.

I've been so caught up in all things Jensen that I realized I really missed my friend, and I was so lucky to have her in my corner.

"woah, that's my woman."

Stella let go, throwing a look to Jensen who now stood in the doorway to my office. I didn’t see Mark anymore, Jensen must have dismissed him.

"nice office..." Jensen admired.

"I redecorated, thank you very much." Stella piped up.

"so when I need any redecorating done, I'll know who to call." Jensen smirked.

Stella glanced at her phone quickly before meeting my eyes again.

"I think Matt's here, I'll see you soon.." Stella said squeezing my hand before going over to Jensen.

"Jensen, take care of her... if you don't I'll chop your dick off." Stella threatened.

"Stella!" I exclaimed mortified.

Jensen just laughed in response.

"You have my word Stella, I mean I would kind of like to keep my dick." Jensen said making me roll my eyes at the pair.

"see you tomorrow." Stella said with a final wave.

Jensen smiled at her shaking his head. He came over to me wrapping me in a hug.

“she’s something..” Jensen laughed.

“you have no idea… are you ready to go home?” I asked cocking my eyebrow.

“as long as I’m with you I am home.” Jensen said.

I rolled my eyes at his line.

“that was incredibly cheesy.” I laughed.

“I thought it was romantic… even a little bit?” Jensen pouted.

“okay just a little bit.”

Jensen smiled, leaning down to pull me in for a kiss. I took a shaky breath as he connected our lips. I felt electricity pulsating through my skin as his lips moved on mine.

“I love you.” He said as he pulled away.

“I love you more.” I whispered.

Jensen gave me another quick peck.

“Impossible.”

Jensen grabbed my bag with one hand, grasping mine with other, as he led us out of the office. Cole stood by the car waiting with an open door.

“Ms. (L/N).” Cole nodded as I slid in.

“You really need to give him a break..” I said laughing at Jensen.

“Cole doesn’t need a break, do ya Cole?”

“no Mr. Ackles.”

“Cole you can be honest I know this one’s a lot to deal with.” I said smacking Jensen’s chest playfully.

“between you and me ma’am.” Cole started giving Jensen a smirk.

I laughed at Jensen’s flustered expression.

Cole pulled up to our apartment, quickly getting out so he could open my door. Jensen shuffled out after me. As soon as we stepped out of the car, his phone started ringing. He pulled it out checking the caller ID.

“It’s Jared.”

“you can take it.. I’m just going to grab some toiletries and a couple outfits, I’ll be right back.” I said kissing his cheek.

Jensen offered me a grateful smile as he answered his phone.

I unlocked the door, before grabbing our mail and going inside. I would have to remember to reroute my mail to the new address. I threw the mail on the counter, wanting to pack my things before I went through it.

I grabbed my overnight bag throwing articles of clothing in it before going to our bathroom. I made sure to grab my toothbrush, hairbrush and the other essentials. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror breathing a deep sigh.

I was really doing this.

I threw the rest of my stuff in my bag, zipping it up and walking back in to the kitchen. I set my bag down grabbing the mail to sift through it.

I turned around, feeling my blood run cold.

It was her.

Riley.

I gasped at the sight of her dropping the mail.

I didn’t know how she got in, the door was still locked.

I could see from the look on her face that she was distressed. I was afraid, but I wouldn’t let her see. I needed to remain calm.

“Riley… uh Jensen’s right outside, we could go see him.” I hesitantly said, holding my hands out so she could see I meant her no harm.

I shuddered as she pulled a gun from her pocket.

“I came to see you.”

I shivered, her voice was haunting, like she was in grave pain. I didn’t take my eyes off the gun she held to her side.

“okay..” I breathed.

“Jensen told me what happened Riley, I know you’re in a lot of pain, and I’m so sorry.. Jensen talks about you still, he cares about you.” I said trying to diffuse the situation.

I flinched as a warning shot rang out. I could feel the breath getting caught in my chest as I feared for my life.

“DON’T LIE!” Riley yelled, bringing the gun up so it was now pointed directly at me.

“just tell me what you have that I don’t.” she cried.

“nothing Riley, I’m nothing.” I pleaded.

“but he kisses you, and sleeps in your bed.” Riley said.

I felt the color drain from my face.

“how do you know that?”

“I saw you, I watched you… I know you love him but I do too.” Riley said eerily calm.

I thought back to the night when Jensen slept over. I thought I had seen someone but chalked it up to my imagination playing tricks on me… but now I know it was her watching us.

“Riley why don’t you put the gun down.” I begged trying to maintain my composure.

“you don’t even know him, what he likes, you don’t give him what he wants, he’s just pretending with you and he’ll get tired of pretending!” Riley growled.

Suddenly Jensen burst in the door followed by Cole.

Riley didn’t move the gun from me.

I could see the fear in Jensen’s eyes as he glanced at me.

“Riley..”

Jensen pointed at himself, asking Riley to turn the gun on him. Riley glanced between me and Jensen before turning the gun his way.

“Jensen don’t.” I cried, letting a few tears slip out.

Jensen held his hand out quieting me.

“I know you don’t want to hurt me Riley.” Jensen said, taking a step closer to her.

Riley breathed a heavy sigh as Jensen reached out wrapping his hand around the barrel of the gun. He yanked it out of her hands, switching the safety on, and putting it in his pocket.

“come here.” Jensen said reaching his arms out.

Riley collapsed in his arms crying. Jensen held her stroking her hair.

“Cole get (y/n) out of here, take her back home.” Jensen said.

Cole took a step towards me, but I took a step back.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I said not wanting to leave Jensen alone.

“(y/n) for once just do what I ask!” Jensen snapped.

I felt the tears roll down my cheeks as I grabbed Cole’s hand allowing him to lead me outside to the car. He opened the door gesturing for me to get in.

I dropped his hand stepping away from the car. I gave Cole a look, and started to walk down the street.

“Ms. (L/N) please.”

“stop it Cole.” I growled walking away.

I didn’t know where I was going, I just had to get away. I felt the tears staining my cheeks as I walked.

It was too much.

It was all too much.

for once just do what I ask..

he’s just pretending with you, and he’ll get tired of pretending..

I covered my ears trying to drown out the loud voices that were screaming at me.

I collapsed on the sidewalk, bringing my knees to my chest and sobbing.

this is what I meant.

regression to the mean..

Author Note:

I’m sorry for breaking your hearts again! Part fifteen will reveal a lot, so make sure you stick around to find out! If you liked this part please indicate so with a heart, comment, reblog, or a follow! It really is motivating! I appreciate you all!

xoxoxo

Liv

[hismercytomyjustice]

Updated pinned intro post! Hi! I'm Scout! Welcome to my tumblr!

If you're only following me/checking in for sneak peeks for The Signal that Beckons, I'll be posting them on Tuesdays. You can search my tags for "sneak peek" or click this link instead.

Fic Masterlist and About Me below the cut!

You can find me at ao3 at eternalscout!

Current Fandoms I Write For: BG3, Hazbin Hotel

Past Fandoms I've Written For: Pacific Rim, WWDITS, WTNV, Cardcaptor Sakura, Promare

My Favorite Fics: You can find my favorite fics that I've read separated into collections here!

Ongoing Fics/Series:

Tumblr tags refer to posts I’ve made about my fics/writing process, if that’s of interest to you.

To Be the Perfect Angel, Some Sin Must Be Done

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Pairing: Radioapple (Alastor/Lucifer)

Rating: Explicit, Mature

Words: 84k+

Status: Ongoing Series, Currently 7 parts

Tumblr Tag: to be the perfect angel

Summary: Idiots in love. Lucifer is press ganged into helping everyone get Alastor to rest while he continues to heal from his fight with Adam. Includes dancing, a bet on who can go the longest without using their powers, the consequences of said bet, elements of BDSM, and feelings being caught.

The Signal that Beckons

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Pairing: None

Rating: Mature

Words: Expected to be ~80k, Estimating 15 chapters

Status: Ongoing

Tumblr Tag: the signal that beckons

Summary: What if Alastor’s fight with Adam ended…differently? What if he was “purified” instead to the last moment he could have been redeemed? And, unfortunately for him, that was when he was only eleven.

Completed Multi-Chapter Fics:

Ancient Books and Horror Stories 

Note: I'm planning to do some oneshots for this fic too and will include them in my ongoing section once I do.

Fandom: BG3

Pairing: Bloodweave (Gale/Astarion)

Rating: Explicit

Words: 100k, 18 chapters

Status: Complete

Tumblr Tag: ancient books and horror stories

Summary: Slow burn. Tadpoled acquaintances to friends to lovers. Takes place during the events of BG3. The boys initially bond over books, but then gradually open up to one another and help each other heal from their trauma.

Blue Moon on the Rise

Fandom: Cardcaptor Sakura

Pairing: Yukito/Touya/Yue

Rating: Mature

Words: 54k, 25 chapters

Status: Complete

Tumblr Tag: N/A

Summary: Sakura fails the Final Judgment. Everyone forgets about the Cards, and the person they love most. A new candidate must be chosen. Unfortunately for Touya, it looks like he's next on the list.

If you’re thinking about following me, I should warn you that I post and reblog A LOT. I also treat my tumblr like a journal, so I have a lot of personal posts, usually under cuts. 

I’m nonbinary (they/them), demisexual, and bisexual/pansexual (I use the terms interchangeably because pansexuality was wildly misunderstood when I was younger). Also very recently realized I’m demiromantic! I post/reblog a lot about all of the above.

I’m in my 30s (ancient for the internet, I know) and only recently started getting back into Tumblr after a 10 year absence.

Fun facts! My ao3 username is from my major Welcome to Night Vale fan days (though I still love it, even if I'm hopelessly behind). And my tumblr username is a quote from my favorite book of all time, The King of Attolia by Megan Whalen Turner.

If you’re curious, full quote is: 

“Yet you prefer his mercy to my justice.” She meant the king. She knew where the message had come from.

The current fandoms I'm obsessed with are Hazbin Hotel, Helluva Boss, Interview with the Vampire, BG3, Pacific Rim, Phantom of the Opera, Epic the Musical, Dracula Daily, Dead Boy Detectives, and Stardew Valley.

My other major interests include true crime, crochet, and musicals!

I also talk A LOT about mental health/illness on here. I have OCD and ADHD, and the jury is still out on autism, so trigger warnings for all that mess. I try to tag these posts accordingly and also tend to put them under cuts. 

Writing stuff out (especially in regard to my OCD) helps me process and better understand it. It also feels less stressful and easier for me to do it on here spur of the moment instead of massively overthinking it and trying to force myself to use a more formal outlet. Most importantly, it helps me destigmatize it a bit in my own head.

Those kinds of posts are purely for my own benefit, but if you decide to read any of them and want to comment or something, feel free! I know this is a public space and I don’t post stuff I’m not comfortable with someone else potentially seeing.

If you’ve decided to stick around anyway, feel free to yell about my favorite things with me! I LOVE yelling about my favorite things!

[herbofgraceandpeace]

My informal review of The Last Graduate (here be spoilers)

Well, I just finished The Last Graduate, and I’m just sitting with all my muscles clenched in tension and sorrow, lol

But seriously, what an interesting ending……I’m not sure what to make of it yet? The narrative was leading you to expect a big push/big sacrifice from El when something inevitably went wrong, and I was hoping that everything would simply go right (obviously), but I wasnt unaware of Orion’s opportunity to make the self-sacrifice play. WAS IT NECESSARY THOUGH???? *insert look how they massacred my boy meme. i think i read way too much of this book late last night (whoops), so my comprehension of it is not as developed as with the first book (shame on me for reading too fast like a glutton), but what a great sequel! I liked watching El wrestle with learning to trust people and work as a team, I loved watching her relationship with sisters sorry her friends develop, and I loved the growth of her relationship with Orion as well*. I will say I think his character has been a little underutilized at times, in a way not untypical for a romantic interest of either gender, but Novik that’s my mannnnnnnnnnnn, I wanna read about him! But we definitely did get some good scenes that developed he and El’s relationship and seemed the seeds for some of his own character development (let this man GROW). I’m not sure yet how I think the ending plays into that. If Patience-Fortitude was truly going to recenter the world, then his sacrifice was noble and necessary. But if it wasn’t, then why does my precious child need to kill it himself instead of letting El cast it into the void, hmmm? Side note: I loved El finally coming to appreciate the Scholomance cause I was freaking devastated by her willingness to condemn it. Maybe if I had suffered as much as she had, I’d hate my Alma mater too, but the loss of a place you know so well, a place where you have the happy memories of making your first friends—that’s gotta count for something, right?

I forgot to mention this in my review of A Deadly Education, but El’s Mom and their relationship is so important. God bless her, I’d love to meet her. I’d be exasperated at her character role as the Sole Voice of Truth and Goodness, except that’s the truths attributed to her are valuable, nuanced, and beautiful, and her knowledge of them makes sense in the context of how she has chosen to live her life. A life of uncomprising, open-hearted service and self-sacrifice teaches you a lot! Which brings us to one of my favorite bits of the book. I adore that Novik, Scholomance, and El all realize that you have to be faithful in the little moments because they shape you!!!! She had grown accustomed to saving the freshman instead of sacrificing them for her own benefit, and this shaped her character and prepared her to realize and then do what needed to be done to save them all. (I have so many good quotes saved without page numbers, so you’ll get those later, but boy howdy, these books have so beautiful things to say)

I’m so, so invested in what’s going to happen in the next book, but I’m not ready to have finished this delightful trilogy either. They’re going to be great rereads for sure! Here’s hoping things turn out okay for Orion (also why did El’s mother warn her off him? We do not know.) I’d love to see El get to change the world with her tiny enclaves, despite my dislike of large stakes in a story since they often render the plot unwieldy to the point of disbelief. It’s hard to write a story about something that changes the world without either 1. Writing Lord of the Rings or 2. Being massively and disgustingly reductive about what it takes to change the world and the u comfortable, uncontrollable consequences of doing so. Nevertheless, I am ready to be hurt again!

*I am once again asking for people not to put sex scenes in books. Please. Don’t do it. Ever.

[peetasallhehasleft]

"She’s chosen Peeta, she just has to wait for him to choose her, again", I just read this among your comments, I hope it´s yours. I want to ask you: if Katniss has chosen Peeta by the end of CF, why she was comparing the two boys and what she got/get from each one by the end of MJ, before telling Peeta "real"? Thanks in advance.

This was sent to me back in 2014 when I was getting so many asks it was nearly impossible to keep up with them all, but seeing as I've been thinking about this myself a lot lately, I figured I'd dig into my good ole meta bag, and see what I can come up with.

The more time has gone by, the more I've thought about this very thing. I think the easiest and most concise way to sum this up is the vast difference in wording between these two things...

"I need you" - which she says to Peeta and about Peeta. She needs him.

"Gale. I'll need him with me to do this." - when she's listing her demands to Coin.

She needs Peeta, in general. Completely. Gale she needs for a time, to help with something specific.

Reminds me a lot about the quote, Some people come into your life for a reason, or a season, or a lifetime.

Now let me expand on that: Reason - Gale, his purpose in the end was to show her just how different viewpoints can change things for better or worse. He's willing to make sacrifices and take chances that she never would, sometimes it takes someone else doing something we never could imagine ourselves doing, to see just what is so bad or horrible about the thing. The world was bad and it needed to be fixed, but not the way that Gale was willing to make it happen. She didn't agree with him. Ultimately, his desire for victory over that of the value of human life, (and that his bomb be it in theory or practical application) killed her sister. He aligned himself with Coin, and she was just as bad (or worse than) Snow. The world couldn't move on with another Snow. Season - Finnick. This hurts me so much to even write since he's my favorite character, I'll never not cry when he dies...book or movie, but I digress. Finnick comes into her life exactly when she needs him. She needs him to help save Peeta, she needs him to help her save herself from her deep dark depression, she needs him to help unmuddle Peeta's mind, she needs him to unfortunately die so she can do what needs to be done. Their ideals were aligned, they both saw the horror in war, and the devastation that POW can have on someone. They helped each other through. For a time, they needed each other. Lifetime - Peeta. Her "I need you" wasn't just in that moment. "I realize only one person will be damaged beyond repair if Peeta dies. Me." In so many aspects she gives up parts of herself to save him. Yeah, it takes a lot longer than it probably should have, but she was a girl who couldn't come to terms with her own feelings without feeling like they were fabricated. She struggles, I think, until this very moment on the beach. She is devastated over and over again, between Peeta's interviews and how he behaved to and with her in 13. She wouldn't answer his question straight, "Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me." Also interesting how when she's trying to be evasive she uses the word "everyone" implying that there's not a single person in her life that didn't think that way.

So yes, she gets them mixed up in her head, but it's different. She doesn't feel she deserves Peeta, and Gale would be so easy to be with because of their common ground until Mockingjay. Gale becomes someone unrecognizable to her, and Peeta comes back. He needs for them are different, and she doesn't need Gale to survive. She needs Peeta, because only he can give her the things she truly wants in life.

"...what I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that."

Their whole relationship he struggled with whether it was real or not, which is the entire significance of the end of the book...

So after, when he whispers, "You love me. Real or not real?"

I tell him, "Real."

It's almost like an echo of Snow's "I thought we agreed not to lie to each other." Real or not real was the most sincere thing that existed between them post-hijacking...because it was the truth.

Now please excuse my sappy self, I just love them so much.

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 Roses in the Mouth of a Lion Book Review 🦇

❓ #QOTD What's your favorite 80s song OR what are you currently reading? 🦇 Razia Mirza grows up amid the wild grape vines and backyard sunflowers of Corona, Queens, alongside her best friend, Saima. When a family rift drives the girls apart, Razia’s heart is broken. She finds solace in Taslima, a new girl in her close-knit Pakistani-American community, all while trying to manage the religious and cultural expectations of her family. When Razia is accepted to a prestigious high school in Manhattan, the gulf between the person she is and the daughter her parents want her to be, widens. There, she meets Angela, and is attracted to her in a way that blossoms into a new understanding. When their relationship is discovered by an aunty in the community, Razia must choose between her family and her own future.

💜 Razia resonated with me so much. Growing up Muslim, not realizing your sexuality is even an option, then realizing it's wrong, a sin your parents may never accept...it's heartbreaking for a child, for anyone. Muslim communities are tight-knit, breathing truth to the "it takes a village" mentality of raising children. That community can become supportive, empowering, encouraging; a warm, soothing blanket of security. However, it can also become hot, itchy, stifling; it can keep you from recognizing who you truly are. Sometimes you need to leave that security to recognize that person, and who you want to be. Bushra Rehman has done a stunning job of conveying that sense of community while showing us the little ways Razia began feeling like an outsider among the friends and family who raised her. This is the type of book, a potential classic, I wish was required reading (because when has a book with a Muslim, Pakistani FMC ever been considered required reading?).

💙 Raiza is a compelling, real and raw character. The story begins from her childhood, allowing us to see her grow and recognize the woman she wants to become over time. Because of that, there are some pacing issues. However, the prose is so enthralling, almost hypnotic in a sense, that it keeps you going until the end. Though I didn't LOVE the abrupt ending, I understood why it stopped there; everything moving forward would be up to Raiza, perhaps for the first real time in her life.

🦇 Recommended for fans of Evil Eye and The Skin & Its Girl.

✨ The Vibes ✨ 🌹 Pakistani-American FMC 🦁 Muslim-American FMC 🌹 Lesbian / Queer 🦁 Female Friendships 🌹 Coming-of-Age Story 🦁 Literary Fiction 🌹 Friends to Lovers 🦁 Sapphic Romance

💬 Quotes ❝ I wanted to be chosen by someone. ❞ ❝ You can’t wait for anyone to teach you. Otherwise you’ll learn all the wrong things. ❞ ❝ Our parents had left their homes and the thread had unraveled, then been woven again with us. This was how it always was, an unraveling and a raveling of the earth, the ground we stood on. Nothing was sacred, everything was sacred, everything changed, everything stayed the same. ❞ ❝ I hate having to lie, but there’s no other way I can make them happy and still live my life. ❞ ❝ But the rest of us, the majority, were children of not- so- rich immigrants. We were the dreams, the ones expected to take our paper airplanes and turn them into rocket ships rising into higher orbits. ❞ ❝ The rumors, not the truth, were enough to destroy a girl’s reputation. ❞

[runnerk]

Hello @crazyspookies ! I was your ZR Secret Santa! I want to tell you that you were my PERFECT match - Stam/5tam is my *favorite* pairing. And I know it wasn't a requirement to put in every single thing you asked for, but I tried to include everyone on your list: Sam, Five, Steve, Simon, Janine, Amelia, and a Radio Cabel cameo.

This story is a Christmas Tree Farm AU. Title, "In the Bleak Midwinter" from the Christmas song of the same name. Sam has inherited the Yao family tree farm business. It's December 23d, closing day, and one last VERY PARTICULAR customer comes in demanding a tree. But when the closed sign goes up, the Christmas spirit (spirits?) take over and the lines of friendship get a little blurry.

Will post on AO3 eventually, but I wanted it to be here, for you, first. 🤶 Enjoy. Merry Everything.

Story under the cut. AU so no spoilers. Hints at NSFW material.

Thank you @notforconsumption and @delucadarling !

“If I were a wise man, I would do my part. But what can I give him? Give him my heart.” Quote from "In The Bleak Midwinter"

In The Bleak Midwinter

Five threw a log into the pot bellied wood stove and willed its hot breath to defrost her toes. She slammed the door closed and sighed as the wood popped and groaned. 

The smell of burning wood.

It used to be one of her favorite smells. 

It turned her stomach a little now. Since that one day - The Day - the day everything changed. . 

She shivered despite the warmth wafting her way. 

The door to the little shack flew open and Sam walked in, brushing snow from his hair, stark white falling from jet black. Sam grinned.

“Thanks for covering for me, Five. My alarm didn’t go off and-” Five cut him off with a shake of her head and a loud cough 

“Janine knows about your car trouble.” She winked. Sam nodded his appreciation.

Sam never asked for this life. Heir to a Christmas Tree Farm. He expected his parents to grow old and die safe in their beds, hearts gently coming to a natural stop. He would also be old and would sell the farm to the highest bidder as he went on with whatever life he had chosen for himself.

But fate had other plans. 

And now here he was, barely 30, owner of Abel Christmas Tree Farm. Even after all these years, he still had no idea how to run a business. Which is why he used the majority of any inheritance money (there wasn’t much) to hire Janine DeLuca as the farm manager. She was organized and..well…a little mean, if he was honest. She knew how to get things done. 

“It’s okay, Sam.” Five continued, reassuring him. “It’s December 23rd. It will be a quiet day except for a few frazzled last minute tree getters.” 

“It will be nice to close this place up and not have to think about it for a few months.” Sam sighed and made his way behind the register tucked away a corner of the little cabin. 

“You still coming over to my place for Christmas? My parents are looking forward to seeing you.” Five grew up next door to the tree farm and spent most of her childhood chasing Sam through the trees. In the spring, racing between the saplings. The Yaos shouting reminders to watch their steps. Summers lying in the shade of the taller trees. Reading. Listening to music. Always in each other’s company. Then the fall would come and the cheerful holiday paths would be temporarily lined with skeletons, ghosts, and zombies. Haunted trails brought in money when finances were at their tightest. As soon as they were old enough, Five took on the job of acting as a zombie hunter. Sam would ride on the hay wagon and narrate stories. It was Five’s favorite time of year. As soon as the last zombie head was taken down, the farm once again became a magical winter wonderland. 

Five and Sam had been the best of friends for as long as she could remember. 

“Yeah, I think I will. It’s just…” He stopped. Thought. “I’ll be there.”

Five smiled. “You’d better. I’m making that cornbread stuffing you like. And I think Steve is stopping by with some shortcake.”

As if on cue, Steve threw open the door and entered with a bang. 

“Happy closing day!” He stomped the snow off his boots. 

“Close the door.” A voice came from a dark back corner. “We aren’t paying to heat the outside.”

“Merry Christmas, Janine.”

“Same to you, Mr. Sissay. Again, I ask you to please close the door.”

Steve turned to Five and raised his eyebrows before flicking the door and letting it slam closed. 

“At least she said please.” He shrugged. He made his way to where Sam was tangled in receipt paper in an attempt to replace the spool in the register. “Merry Christmas, Sam.”

Sam looked like he was overheating. 

“Uh, yeah. Same to you, Steve.” 

Five turned away to organize the few ornaments they had left in the small sales section of the cabin. Truth be told, the little cabin was one of her favorite places in the world. It was the size of a garden shed, but there was a wall of sparkling ornaments for sale, a wood stove along the back wall to keep warm despite the lack of insulation, and in the front corner sat the register, a little stool, and an electric kettle for hot chocolate. The most recent addition was a janky folding card table in the darkest back corner, which Janine called her “office.” 

It wasn’t much. But it felt like home. 

“Where is Simon?” Janine muttered from her corner. Sam and Five often referred to her as Scrooge, but never to her face. 

“He’s outside. I passed him on the way in.” Steve answered, continuing to look at Sam. “He’s just getting one last smoke in before he’s officially on the clock.” 

Janine sighed, irritation evident. 

A few minutes of silence passed. Five continued straightening ornaments, Janine shuffled paper. Steve had finally grabbed the roll of receipt paper from Sam and swiftly placed it in the machine. 

“You can tell me I’m your hero. It’s okay.” Steve chuckled. Sam just looked at him with his mouth open. It was rare for him to be at a loss for words, but Steve somehow managed to tie his tongue with a single glance. 

There used to be a team of people working at Abel Tree Farm. They stayed for a few years after…well, AFTER…but each year a few more would find reasons not to return. And the year before Janine was hired, Sam had to let any remaining staff members go. There was no money to pay for help. 

Janine saved the farm within the year. She agreed to hire a few new people, but there wasn’t much interest in tree farm work. Sam was able to find two interested parties. One guy, Steve, was a pyrotechnician who spent summers working at a local amusement park in charge of their fireworks shows. The other, Simon, was a personal trainer at a local gym with a flexible schedule. And flexible…everything.

Janine hired them because their schedules were flexible.

Sam approved the hiring because he liked how they both looked like burly lumberjacks. 

Simon burst through the door moments later, smelling of cigarettes and pine. 

“Little things!” He sang, obnoxiously loud. Five watched Janine’s head fall into her hands. “Like that happy noise. As a brand new day is dawning on this lovely Christmas morning!” He barreled through the little shack over to Five and cradled her neck in his strong arm. He dug his knuckles into the crown of her head as she struggled to get away. 

“I didn’t know ABBA had a Christmas song.” She joked.

“ABBA has a song for everything.” He replied, and flexed his bicep, keeping her in place. “Little things,” Simon continued singing. “Like your naughty eyes. You’d consider bringing me a breakfast tray, but there’s a price.” He let Five go and she kicked him in the shin. He winked at her. “Go on. Guess the price for bringing me a breakfast tray.”

“Stop being gross, Simon.” Five scolded, but she couldn’t contain her laughter. 

“Mr. Lauchlan, this is a professional environment. If you can’t behave-”

“Aw, don’t be jealous Jenny. Come on, it’s almost Christmas.” He walked over to her with such long strides Five could swear it only took him two steps to cross the entire floor. “You know everyone has been calling you Scrooge?” 

“Simon!” Sam yelled, a blush bursting across his cheeks. 

“I do not care about how others feel about me. I wasn’t brought here to be popular. I was brought here to run a tree farm.”

Janine sounded stern enough, but Five noticed that Simon had begun rubbing her shoulders and she wasn’t shaking him off. In fact, she seemed to sink a bit lower in her chair and…was she relaxing? 

That was new. 

A Christmas miracle, almost. 

Seems Sam wasn’t the only one who liked his lumberjacky-ness.

The rest of the morning went by in a lazy haze. Between small talk about holiday plans and organizing the store for closing, a peaceful calmness filled the shack. 

Five sighed.

She was going to miss this.

There was something so unbelievably comforting about these people. 

It was just-

“I need a tree.”

Nobody heard the door open, but a cold breeze wafted in with the most striking woman Five had ever seen. The room froze.

“This is a tree farm, is it not?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Simon spoke first, tripping over his own feet to get to her and take her hand. He grasped it and shook it wildly. “I can help you find something thick and sprucy.”

The woman’s face twisted in disgust and she took her own hand back. She shook it as if it were contaminated.

“A standard thickness will do. I need one that is tall and has all of its branches perfectly balanced.”

“One well-balanced tree coming right up.” Simon was at the door and gestured her out first. 

“Simon.” Janine called after him. “Behave."

Simon smiled and winked.

“There is no chance of him behaving, is there?” Sam asked. Steve laughed.

“Not the slightest.” 

They were back in minutes. 

“Amy, I’m sorry! You can’t call a tree ‘perfectly erect’ and not expect a comment!”

“The name is Amelia and as a customer I have a reasonable expectation of professionalism no matter what words I choose to use.” 

“Our apologies, Ms…”

“Spens.”

“Apologies, Ms. Spens. Our other associate, Mr. Sissay, will bring you the finest tree we have. AND he’ll be quick about it.”

“On it.” Steve disappeared outside as both Janine and Amelia glared at Simon, who, for his part, looked completely unashamed. 

“Would anyone like cocoa?” Sam asked.

“Yes, please.” Five grinned. Of course Sam would know how to break the tension.

“I’ll take some, Sammy.”

“Oh no you won’t, Mr. Lauchlan.” Janine said. “I would like to see you out back.”

Five and Sam gasped. Out back was the wood storage shed. It was cold and dark and had a potent woodsy smell. Five had once compared it to the feeling of being buried six feet under in a pine box and since then…nobody wanted to go out back.

But Simon looked oddly intrigued.

“Have I been a bad boy, Jenny?” Janine’s cheeks flushed and she shook her head.

“Actually, yes. And I need to speak with you urgently.”

Five thought they left a little eagerly, but it was really none of her business.

“Anything for you, Amelia?” Sam pushed the button for the electric kettle and started setting out mugs.

“From an electric kettle? And is that…powdered mix?” She shuddered. “I’ll pass.”

“Please have a seat near the fire while you wait. I’m sure Steve will be back momentarily.”

“He does seem quite strong. Those biceps are certainly impressive.”

An awkward silence filled the room until the kettle began to boil. Sam poured two mugs of hot chocolate for himself and Five and offered Amelia a cup one final time.

“Absolutely not.” She shook her head. “Horrifying.”

Five took a sip, slurping loudly. 

Sam immediately looked away. Five never slurped anything in her life. He knew if he looked over he’d see a devilish look in her eye and she would only double down on trying to annoy their only customer of the day. 

Amelia was browsing their selection of ornaments. 

“Some of these are quite beautiful.” She picked up a miniature snow globe hanging on a string. Five smiled.

“Oh, that’s a great one. It was handmade by-”

“This is the ugliest snowglobe I have ever seen.” Amelia squinted as she examined it. “I mean, really. As I was saying, some of these are beautiful, but this is not one of them.”

Five looked over at Sam, who was still facing the wall. She knew even without seeing his face that he was holding back laughter. Five, on the other hand, was not feeling overly playful with this terrible woman. 

“Listen, I don’t know who you think you are-”

“Here you go, ma’am. The perfect tree. It’s almost 200 centimeters tall, blue spruce. She’s an absolute stunner.” Steve announced from the doorway.

“Do you commonly equate women with trees?” Amelia asked. Steve didn’t miss a beat. He leaned on the counter, making sure his arm muscles rippled under his flannel shirt, which was at least two sizes too small. 

“No, ma’am.” Steve said. He seemed to be remembering that Simon was currently out back for his attempt at innuendo. “I rotate pronouns with trees so all sexes are represented equally through the…whole forest. Out of respect. For nature.”

Five winced.

“Hmm. Very well then.” Amelia walked over to Sam and leaned on the counter, gently bumping Steve with her backside.

“How much do I owe you?”

“Uh - no charge. Because of the - uh - trouble.” Five watched Sam die a little inside. 

It was definitely a weird day.

“I guess this place isn’t as bad as I assumed it was. Happy Christmas, workers.” Then, to Steve, “You’ll be tying this to the roof of my car?” It was a question but also - not. 

“It’s my pleasure, ma’am.” Steve grinned and followed her out.

Five and Sam stood frozen for a solid minute before Sam finally burst with laughter. 

“What the hell was that?” 

“That woman was a real piece of work. We need to hang up a picture with her face and never let her back in here again.”

“Aw, come on, Five. At least she didn’t take any of Simon’s nonsense.”

“Yeah, but she insulted the ornament that the children’s hospital made.” 

Sam made his way across the little shack and folded Five into a hug. 

“She couldn’t have known that. But I’m sorry she didn’t let you explain.”

“And she insulted your hot chocolate.”

“Well that was definitely out of line. You’re right. We should ban her.” Five giggled into Sam’s shoulder.

“See? I told you. She was terrible.” Five felt Sam start to let go but pulled him closer. “How are you Sam? Honestly?”

Sam paused and Five felt him tense up in the hug. He took a long breath, considering his answer carefully.

“I’m…okay. It’s been a long time but…some days are lonelier than others. Christmas still stings quite a bit. Which is inconvenient, you know? Since I pretty much sell Christmas.”

When silence and sadness fill the space between words, it’s hard not to fill it. Five fought the urge to say something encouraging like, “It will get better” or “Your parents are so proud of you for carrying on” because truly there was no way to know either of those things. She wasn’t in the business of making empty promises. Not to anyone, but especially not to Sam. Never to Sam. 

“Which is why you shouldn’t have to wake up alone on Christmas. Why don’t you-”

Sam pulled back to look at her. 

“Wha-”

“Oh! Am I interrupting?” Five and Sam both jumped. Neither one had heard Steve come back in. 

“Nope. No. Not at all. Just - normal friendly conversation.” Sam stammered. Five laughed.

“You’re fine, Steve. Hey, listen. I’m not the owner of this place or anything, but I’m thinking that was probably our last customer. She was the only person all day looking for a tree and it’s getting late. What do we say to closing an hour early?”

“Also not in charge but I say that’s a great idea.”

“As the person who IS in charge, I’m calling it.” Sam walked to the small, frost covered window in the front and flipped the open sign. “Closed for the season.” He sighed.

“So I’m no longer an employee here until next season, right?” Steve asked.

“Right.” 

“Then I can’t be fired, right?”

“Ummm, right.” There was a hint of a question in Sam’s voice. 

“And, since we’re closed…” He pulled a flask from his pocket. “This isn’t drinking on the job, right?”

Sam shrugged. “I suppose it isn’t.”

“But only if you share.” 

“Five, darling. I wouldn’t ever whip out whiskey and not offer it to a lady.”

“I’ll warm up more water for hot cocoa. Whiskey would be great in cocoa.” Sam added more water to the kettle and clicked it on. Five chuckled. She knew Sam wasn’t a fan of straight alcohol. Five on the other hand-

“I’ll take it straight from the flask.” She waited patiently for Steve to finish swallowing and grabbed it from his hand. 

She took a long pull and the whiskey burned her throat on the way down. She felt the warm liquid sit in her belly and run through her veins. It was a feeling not much different than getting a hug from Sam. 

She couldn’t remember exactly when she met Sam. Somehow it seemed like they had been together since the day they were born. The best of friends. There was never a question. Except lately something was changing. Something felt …more. She took another swig and handed it back to Steve.

He seemed to sense that she had been thinking about other things and gave her a questioning look. She smiled to reassure him that she was okay.

“Do you still have that little radio?” He asked. Sam, still behind the counter, reached down and pulled out a tiny radio. He turned it on and static blared through the shack. He adjusted the signal until he heard a voice break through.

“Today, Cit-i-zens, everyone here at Radio Cabel will be sharing our favorite holiday traditions!” Phil Cheeseman’s voice blared from the speakers. “You start, Zoe.”

“I like to start the day by making a nice breakfast and eating it in front of Christmas specials with my cats.” Zoe paused. “Later in the day I go see family and it’s busy and crazy, so I like having the time to myself to prepare for all of that.”

“That sounds kind of lonely.”

“It’s actually not. I like a balance of quiet and loud.”

“Not us.” Jack cut in. “Since Eugene and I have been together, we started a new tradition of blasting Christmas music and dancing in front of the tree while we open gifts.”

“No,” corrected Eugene. “Jack blasts music in front of the tree and dances. I try to get in as much coffee as I can to keep up with him all day.” Eugene let out a gentle laugh. 

“And you love it.” Jack chuckled. “This next song is one of my favorites to annoy Gene with.”

The water was boiling and Sam mixed another cup of hot chocolate before joining Five and Steve in the middle of the cabin.

“You didn’t drink it all, did you?”

Steve winked and poured a large quantity of alcohol into his mug. Sam raised his glass as if to say ‘cheers’ and took a large gulp. He coughed and sputtered a bit but managed to play it cool. 

“Yum.” He managed to squeak out. Steve laughed.

“Don’t worry. If we finish this, I have one or two backup flasks in my coat pocket.”

“Of course you do.” 

The next song came on the radio. Over the intro, Phil gently spoke of how this song sparked memories of his childhood traditions.

Five found herself wrapping her arms around Sam, who responded in kind. They began some kind of involuntary swaying that she supposed could have been dancing. 

Another set of strong arms wrapped around them. 

The song ended with the three of them huddled together. They each took another drink - Five and Steve from the flask and Sam from his mug - and sat on the ground. 

Sam leaned toward the merchandise for sale and pulled over a few tree skirts and some bags of cotton, sprinkled with glitter to look like snow. They wiggled around, arranging the items to make pillows and blankets. They cuddled together for warmth. 

“Come on, loves. Tell me. Are you really best friends or is there something else happening here?”

“Yes.” Five said, while Sam stammered something incomprehensible next to her. The drink had loosened Five’s tongue and she continued without thinking. “We were always friends but since his parents died and his sister skipped out on him, I guess I want to be his family now. But not in a gross way. In a way that, like, I just want to be there for him all the time. I want to be the person who…” She trailed off, realizing that Sam had now propped himself up on an elbow and was staring at her. “Well…it’s true.”

“What happened?” Steve asked. Five, apparently a chatterbox when drunk, opened her mouth to answer. Sam never spoke about The Day. But he took a deep breath and launched into it. 

“It … it’s going to be sad.” Sam warned. Nobody spoke. He shrugged and continued. “It was Christmas Eve. Everyone was home - my parents, my sister, and me. I had moved out into my little apartment down the road and my sister lived on her University campus. But as it was Christmas - this was the first time since the summer we were all under one roof. We had a fire going in the fireplace that morning, feeling festive and whatnot, and for just a few minutes - that was all it took - everyone was distracted. I don’t know where they were. I was upstairs in my room, wrapping some last minute presents when the fire alarm started blaring. I tried running downstairs but there was already so much smoke. The house - that damn house - we only had one working alarm. It was something my dad always said we needed to fix. But we never got to it. So anyway, by the time the smoke set off the alarm, it was already a pretty big fire. I don’t know what happened, but my parents never made it out of the house. Maybe they went to go get our dog? I don’t know. Maybe the downstairs just filled with smoke too fast? It doesn’t matter. The doctors tried explaining some theories but honestly I didn’t care enough to listen. What did it matter how it happened? My sister and I both made it out by jumping out the second floor windows. There were big trees around the house. Both of us could climb down. We got outside and it was just - the whole house. Flames out of every window. I don’t know. I can’t quite remember much. But I made two phone calls that morning. One to the fire department. The other…” His voice trailed off.

“Was me.” Five finished, quietly. “You called me. I ran over from my house as fast as I could. It was…awful.”

“Where is your sister now?” Steve asked cautiously.

“She didn’t stick around. Right after the funeral she took off with her boyfriend - his family is rich - and finished her schooling in some tropical location. I don’t even know where she is. She didn’t leave an address. She just said she wanted no part in the tree farm business and just - left.”

The room was quiet save for everyone taking a few gulps of their drink. 

“I’m so sorry, Sam. I really had no idea.” Steve said eventually.

“Yeah. I don’t like to talk about it. I can’t bring them back. But it is why…it’s why I don’t go out to the tree field much. I like to stay in here. If I go too far back, to the last row of trees, I can see the foundation of the old house. They tore it down, but…they left that part.”

“Yikes. I’ve seen that before. I just figured it was torn down to make room for the tree farm.”

“Nope. Just the shattered remains of my old life.” Five patted his shoulder. “Anyway, it’s okay. I mean, no. Not okay. My therapist keeps reminding me that I don’t have to say it’s okay. Because it’s not. It’s just…thank you. Thanks for your…uh…concern. And stuff. I’m dealing with it.”

Steve leaned over and took Sam’s face in his hands. 

“You’re doing really well, love. This is a great business you’ve got here. Everyone who comes here feels welcome and has a great time. Well, everyone except for Amelia.” They laughed. Despite his laughter, Sam squirmed a bit. 

“Your face is..uh…close.” Sam licked his lips and winced, suddenly realizing how suggestive that was.

“You’re adorable.” Steve said and kissed him gently. Five raised her eyebrows.

“Well, that wasn’t on my list of things I thought I’d see today.”

“Oh, darling. You should always expect the unexpected. Especially when Christmas magic is in the air.”

“And whiskey is in the glass.” Five raised the flask and took another swig. 

Sam remained still and silent as Steve backed up to give him space. 

“Thank you.” He whispered.

Five laughed, but Steve just whispered,

“You’re welcome.”

The radio played another slow song, long gentle lyrics about bleak midwinters and moaning wind. “Snow had fallen, snow on snow on snow.” Caught up in the music, in the warmth, in the closeness, a shirt was discarded. Hands grasping. Not quite sure what belonged to who. Lips on lips on lips. Skin on skin on skin.

If anyone had approached the little tree farm shack that night, they would have had a hard time seeing through the windows, steamed with heat and want. Three bodies silhouetted in the light of the wood stove. Friends and passion and love.

It was close to midnight by the time Steve left. The drink long gone, a few hours of sleep, the fire snuffed. And then it was Sam and Five, closing the door to the shop. Closing the door on the season. Closing the door on the only closeness he still felt to his parents. 

Five kissed Sam long and deep, knowing there was no returning to “just friends.” 

“Don’t go home.”

“Where - what?”

“Don’t go home. Ever. Forget your little apartment. I want you with me.” She held him close but pitched her head back to look him in the eye. “Stay with me.”

“Five, you’re all caught up in the - whatever…”

“Christmas magic.” Five grinned. “Yes. But also, no. Sam - I have loved you for a long time. I’m your family. I’m your love. Stay with me.”

Sam was quiet, contemplative. 

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. But…I’m not giving up my apartment yet. Just in case.”

“You won’t need it.”

“It’s just…it’s hard to believe things can be permanent. Awful things can happen, Five. I don’t want anything to happen but I know -”

“We’re going to be great, Sam.”

“How do you know?”

Five stopped and thought. How could she possibly know? She didn’t. Of course she didn’t. Just like she didn’t know that Sam would be okay or that his parents would be proud. But this didn’t feel like a lie.

“Sam, I don’t know. I have no idea if things will work. And I could be ruining the best friendship in the world. But here’s what I do know. I don’t want to spend another minute without you. You are my whole heart. I have loved you for as long as I can remember. We’ve wasted so many years treading so carefully. Without great risk, there can’t be great rewards. And Sam…a lifetime with you would be the greatest reward I could ever imagine. It’s worth the risk.”

Sam stared at her, mouth gaping. 

“Okay.”

“Okay? I gave you all that and you’re giving me okay?”

Sam chuckled.

“I love you. So much. And I owe Steve my whole life for getting us over this friendship hump.”

“Wow. Poetic. And don’t get me started on how much Simon would love the use of the word hump.”

“Let’s go home.” Sam said. “To your place. I’ll move my toothbrush in tomorrow and it will be home.”

With that, Sam and Five started down a long, winding path. Winters are a lot less bleak with someone you love by your side. 

[infinitesimaldna]

I love Have Your Considered Killing Your Title? and wanted to ask, what inspired it? did it go through any major plot changes before you settled on what I know it as? the flashbacks broke my heart and I'm curious if that was always how everything was supposed to turn out or if that was a decision you made later on while writing. thank you!!!

Hi!! This took me a while to get to because [insert excuse here] but this made me so happy!

Spoilers for HYECKYT ahead in case anyone wants to read it and hasn't yet lol

The inspiration was very random, and legit came from smushing a couple ideas from my ideas folder together. I had a random note of 'jester Remus and knight Logan,' as if that was a full-fledged idea, but it kind of became one when I combined it. The main inspiration behind the fic was actually the parallels in the quotes by the queen: "When did you get so smart" and "when did you get so insane?" I had that idea of having Remus respond to that in the same way living in my head for YEARS, and when I combined it with that first little scribble of a note, it felt like enough to work with :)

As for major plot changes, I would love to pretend this whole thing came together flawlessly since the beginning, but no. I really entered solely with the idea that I wanted to start with a couple chapters of the twins when they were young, jump ahead to when all the damage had been done, and have the final scene be Remus falling off a cliff. The main "change" I would say the story went through was I spent a LONG time waffling over which twin should be the crown prince. There were benefits and setbacks to either of them being chosen, and either way I chose it just didn't feel like there was a way to connect it to that ending I knew I wanted. It also felt like neither character would really gain/lose anything from that reveal, nothing they really cared about anyway. I have no idea where I got the idea to have the twist over the crown prince came from, but I will forever be grateful for it, as I think it works so well with the narrative I told.

I also love that you appreciate the flashbacks! They were some of my favorite parts to write. They came about from wanting a way to factor in POV's like Roman's, without it feeling like we were switching out of nowhere. Plus, I loved the idea of the reader having a "what happened?" moment when we jumped to Remus at age 18 and see just how much had changed, before going back and showing those glimpses of how it happened.

Last thing, I suppose everything mostly turned out the way it was supposed to since the beginning. I always wanted Roman to be the one to force him off the cliff, I always wanted Remus to take it as a freedom instead of something awful, and I'll be honest, I don't have it in me to write creativitwins without a happy ending. These two are my everything, and I've had that image of a bowing Remus smiling up at Roman from his jester's costume living in my head for months.

Seriously though, thank you so much for this ask! I love rambling about this fic, and any other questions are seriously appreciated. I'm really glad you enjoyed it, and I hope to bring more awesome stuff in the future :)

[thethistlegirlwrites]

What are some common elements of stories you are tired of seeing? What would you avoid writing about?

What themes would you like to write about that you feel don’t get explored very often?

Favorite dialogue in your wip? (If asked more than once, respond with a new piece each time)

What is some of the best writing advice you’ve read or received? Why does it work for you?

How do you come up with character names? Do the names have a special meaning? If so, what are they?

What writers have inspired you with their use of language? What are some of your favorite quotes?

Thank you for the ask!

What are some common elements of stories you are tired of seeing? What would you avoid writing about?

Oh boy, you really know how to ask them...at this point I guess the thing I'm most done with is 'special' characters who have some kind of magical power that makes them the chosen one. That and the 'strong' female characters who do things that male characters would never get away with and are praised for it. I have ZERO problem with morally grey female characters *cough cough Emma, Sierra, even Maira to some extent* but I want the complexities and fallout of their choices to at least be as realistic as someone would demand from a male character.

What themes would you like to write about that you feel don’t get explored very often?

I will NEVER get enough found family, in whatever way shape or form it arrives. It's becoming more common in books now, but I still want more. Redemption arcs that are meaningful explorations of change and based in more than just a 'I pulled your pigtails because I love you' kind of explanation. And a WHOLE lot more stories that play with characters' internal hypocrisies and ask the reader to consider if maybe they share some of the same.

Favorite dialogue in your wip? (If asked more than once, respond with a new piece each time)

“Magic is stronger near the rifts, but it also remembers what it lost. There is bitterness in it now, and it passes that pain on to its wielder.”

What is some of the best writing advice you’ve read or received? Why does it work for you?

Print your entire first draft, or at least pull it up in a split screen window next to a blank document, and fully rewrite the second draft. It forces me to think through every single word choice and every bit of the action, and I don't feel bound to what is already there like I would if I was editing the document with words already in it.

How do you come up with character names? Do the names have a special meaning? If so, what are they?

Sometimes, they just sound good. Occasionally, there's a meaning, either an in-joke to myself about where the character originated or the literal meaning of the name itself, but most of the time they just pop into my head as the 'right' sound for the character. The right names are essential to me being able to write a character well, I have to have one for them or the story won't be able to start.

What writers have inspired you with their use of language? What are some of your favorite quotes?

I tend to pull out themes more so than the ways writers use their words (notable exception, the time I read Nicholas Nickelby in three days and then everything I wrote sounded Dickensian for a week), but I remember a quote from the book "Gilead" by Marilynne Robinson absolutely destroying me when I read it in college. Something about ash, maybe, all I know is I was crying on my bunk an hour before a class started.

Possibly it's this one but I'm not entirely sure. “It has seemed to me sometimes as though the Lord breathes on this poor gray ember of Creation and it turns to radiance - for a moment or a year or the span of a life. And then it sinks back into itself again, and to look at it no one would know it had anything to do with fire, or light .... Wherever you turn your eyes the world can shine like transfiguration. You don't have to bring a thing to it except a little willingness to see. Only, who could have the courage to see it? .... Theologians talk about a prevenient grace that precedes grace itself and allows us to accept it. I think there must also be a prevenient courage that allows us to be brave - that is, to acknowledge that there is more beauty than our eyes can bear, that precious things have been put into our hands and to do nothing to honor them is to do great harm.”

From this ask game!

[stormblessed95]

Hi Stormie!

Non-BTS ask. Aside from the Stormlight series, what is your favorite Sanderson work? I read them all in a frenzy when I first discovered him, so I need to go back and start over because my adhd means I essentially forget what I’ve read. I enjoy them all immensely while I’m reading, but I can’t for the life of me remember any of the details.

Stormlight is my favorite, but Mistborn would probably be after that! Era 1 and era 2 for different reasons! Lol

Mistborn official description: For a thousand years the ash fell and no flowers bloomed. For a thousand years the Skaa slaved in misery and lived in fear. For a thousand years the Lord Ruler, the "Sliver of Infinity," reigned with absolute power and ultimate terror, divinely invincible. Then, when hope was so long lost that not even its memory remained, a terribly scarred, heart-broken half-Skaa rediscovered it in the depths of the Lord Ruler's most hellish prison. Kelsier "snapped" and found in himself the powers of a Mistborn. A brilliant thief and natural leader, he turned his talents to the ultimate caper, with the Lord Ruler himself as the mark.

Kelsier recruited the underworld's elite, the smartest and most trustworthy allomancers, each of whom shares one of his many powers, and all of whom relish a high-stakes challenge. Then Kelsier reveals his ultimate dream, not just the greatest heist in history, but the downfall of the divine despot.

But even with the best criminal crew ever assembled, Kel's plan looks more like the ultimate long shot, until luck brings a ragged girl named Vin into his life. Like him, she's a half-Skaa orphan, but she's lived a much harsher life. Vin has learned to expect betrayal from everyone she meets. She will have to learn trust if Kel is to help her master powers of which she never dreamed.

Basically it's an epic heist novel with some of the best found family vibes snd the emotional punches that don't hold back. It has some cliches, including Vin being one of tbe only female characyers and it can be very "not like the other girls", which Sanderson has admitted to regretting and has since grown from in his future books. But otherwise she is VERY well written and she is a BADASS. While it does have cliches, its twists them on their head more often then not. Its got multiple POVs and the magic system is one of the highlights of the book for me, being incredible complex, but logical and easy to understand and follow.

The quote "there is always another secret" is basically one of the defining characteristics of the plot and novel as a whole and it all is done SO WELL. The novel started out as the whole idea and premise of what happens if the hero/chosen one fails? And that's where the story picks up, with the Dark One having won and taken over the world, and it's now been thousands of years of people living under his domain. It's also ultimately a story about never giving up hope. It's got crazy twists and an amazing OTP, one that I'll cherish forever. "You've managed-- in our short three years together-- to kill not only my god, but my father, my brother, and my fiance. That's kind of like a homicidal hat trick. It's a strange foundation for a relationship, wouldn't you say?" (No, I don't think so! Lol) It dives deep in morally ambiguity and morally Grey is who are Characters are at their core. It starts off by pushing you straight into the deep end with some crazy action and then you learn as you go and it's amazing. Keeps you on the edge of your seat. It explores fallacies of religion, faith and politics in a way that's respectful but still critical. And it doesn't take you out of the story while it does so either.

Content warnings for Abuse of a sibling, Death, Gore, Murder, prostitution, SA, Slavery, Violence, blood, self harm, war, decapitation, hallucinations, child's death, stalking starvation, suicidal ideation, torture, hostage situations

[mswyrr]

tlou ep 8, changes to david (ep 8 spoilers!)

cw references to rape, religious abuse

I think they did something interesting and v intentional by making it that David uses Christianity and scripture to control his group. This was a change from the game, where he doesn’t use religion like that, so I am trying to understand the implications. I am going to go into that - warning this will, of course contain extended discussion of religious abuse and Christianity.

Craig could have chosen generic verses, but he mainly picks ones that are about the love of God and parents - the comparison exists in those verses because the idea is that humans are flawed and *only* a good parent comes close to knowing what unconditional or perfect love is like.

Craig has David quote "there is no fear in love" while trying to rape Ellie - that full verse reads "there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" - perfect love, unconditional love. The comparison of God & father/parent isn't meant to be about power, it's about that.

Because the full context is that in other verses that perfect love is "humble" - patient, kind, self-sacrificing. Something beyond the abuses of power of a bad parent. So ellie wanders outside & finds safety/peace in the actual unconditional love she has with her actual dad.

There's one verse where Jesus says - people are kind of crap (I'm paraphrasing lol). But good parents know what it is to give someone only good love and that if you know what it’s like to love your child like that as a good parent you have an understanding of how God loves. Because even an "evil" person who is a good parent can love their child with a love that approaches perfect love.

So yes - Tess was right: she and Joel are not good people. He's done evil shit. He will do it again. He's honest with himself about that. But he is also a truly *good* parent and capable of approaching something beyond himself through that at the same time. Both are true.

I think it’s significant that they have David outright admit he doesn’t believe any of the shit he’s talking. His ideal world is one where *he*--and everything he wants--is God, not where he tries to reach high enough to be like the love of God.

I actually found it upsetting at first that Craig had David use that verse--one of my favorites--while attempting to rape Ellie, but I've been mulling over the why and it clicked together for me.

It'll take seeing how they shade the choices in the final episode to fully contextualize why they turned David into someone who uses religion & compares himself to a father God and "perfect love" only a good parent comes close to though.

I don't think it was a generic "how do we make the bad guy bad? let's toss some Christianity on that mfer!" All the changes from the game have been very intentional setting up contrast/foreshadowing/etc. Ultimately what they’re trying to say about the love Joel is capable of and the evil/violence he’s capable of is up in the air until I see the finale. I’m very interested to see how it all fits together!

[nebulousfishgills]

writing asks!

5, 6, 9 [crimson, bright, or under], 25, 26, 48, 57, 63 [His Tenebris Moenibus], 72, 77

Thanks! Sorry, I would have answered this sooner, but I spent most of today doing training modules for work and my brain is friiiiied.

Anyways, let's see what we have here...

5 - How many WIPs do you have? What fandoms/pairings are they for?

All my current WIPs are under the Stranger Things and/or Twilight umbrella.

Necrosis: Diplopia's sequel, a more freeform fic based on the many (...many) wonderful fics I've read. The fic deals primarily with... I'll call it Emily's Involuntary Character Development by Phoenix Wright-Related Means. Posted chapters: 5/?

The Weirdo From St. Valentina's: I know this one was originally a one shot, but someone in the comments flattered me by saying it should be a longfic, and I have more ideas, go figure. So I have another chapter partially drafted and maybe a few more after that? Posted chapters: 1/? (Three or four maybe)

Stranger Things One-Shots: I have a few one-shots I have already written and a few I want to finish/write. As of now I have a total of I think 4 that I have yet to publish, three are done and one I need to finish.

Twilight One-Shots: There are fewer of these, in fact right now I only have one that's in the works, however given that my top priority is the Twilight longfic and I have some of those later chapters done for when I get to them, it evens out. There also miiiiiight be one in the future that doesn't involve Emily at all...

So I don't know how those totals work out. A lot, it's a lot of WIPs.

6 - What is the last line you wrote?

"Lead the way."

Context: Emily says this to a character that she's gonna take a walk with to a location after a very... we'll call it an introspective conversation. I can't say much for spoilers' sake, but this is one of those "later Necrosis chapters."

(I know I posted a one-shot called The Third Rule to celebrate Stranger Things 4's one year anniversary, but technically that was one of those one shots I wrote a while ago, so none of those lines were 'the most recent line.')

9 - Does [word chosen by asker] appear in a WIP?

Crimson - Surprisingly, no lol

Bright - She had just the prettiest, brightest hazel eyes, I could practically see every color imaginable in them.

(That counts, right?)

Under - He hasn't had a singer in 305 years, not since 1593. It's amusing how the humans are still under the impression that the poor man was killed in a bar fight. That's what Chelsea told me, at least.

Dang, those are from the same WIP lol, again, one of my Necrosis chapter drafts (although this one is gonna be on deck soon).

Also I should note the italics are indicating that this is a quote someone is reading. This is a scene of someone reading someone else's writing.

25 - What is your favorite part of the writing process?

Honestly, it depends on my mood. But in general I really like developing characters. Their traits, their relationships, all that fun stuff. It fits together like a nice puzzle and I just get to be creative. Writing aside but in a similar vein, I also like coming up with character concept sketches and making character playlists. Both of those things can be a massive help to the writing side of the equation as well.

26 - What is your least favorite part of the writing process?

...can I say the actual writing part? I mean, I don't hate it, sometimes the act of writing is a huge stress reliever, but the problem arises when I either a) have the motivation but not the time or b) the desire to write but the inability to actually execute the process for any number of reasons. I need to plan more, I don't wanna type, I'm tired and would just rather daydream about the fic... the list goes on lmao.

48 - Who is your favorite character to write for? Has this changed since you've started writing for that fandom?

This is an interesting question since I love writing for all the characters I write for. Some more than others, sure. I mean, obviously I love writing stories about Emily, else I wouldn't keep doing it. But like Emily, I'm very attached to both of her long term boyfriends and love getting to write for both of them. Although I thiiiiiink Henry takes the edge.

It really just comes down to how creative I feel like being on that day. When I'm in the mood to be more creative I like writing for the Twilight characters more since... there's very little canon material to work with, forcing me to fill in the gaps. Giving more depth to characters like Jane or Sulpicia is such a joy, even if it's born of annoyance.

57 - How conscious are you about adding symbolism or foreshadowing in your fics?

Incredibly. I try to make every single thing in my fics very intentional, down to using specific words in simple sentences or dialogue. For example, this excerpt from Diplopia:

If you know, you know, and you know this will be important later... and that it is not gonna be pretty. Foreshadowing is one of my favorite tropes because it gives a fic re-read value to go back and look for hints.

63 - What was the hardest part of writing His Tenebris Moenibus?

Many little things, but it all boils down to balance. Balancing Emily's shitty personality to still make her a somewhat likeable character that you want to keep engaging with. Balancing content and information in the show with keeping the story fresh (i.e. Henry telling Emily his backstory in a different way than he presents it in Episode 7 while still getting the same information across... admittedly in retrospect writing out his entire monologue when we eventually get to the massacre might have been unecessary, but I did it anyways cause I love and adore that scene, sue me). Balancing out how Emily interracts with people like Eddie so her presence in that part of the story doesn't seem forced or weird.

72 - What's your favorite writing compliment you've gotten?

I appreciate and adore every compliment I've ever gotten on my writing since they're all very special to me. Obviously the analysis comments you give me and I get stronger with every "good characterization" comment (I might be able to fight god soon). I even got compliments on Necrosis from someone whos fics I have not only read multiple times but have gone absolutely feral over... It's like publishing a short horror story and Stephen King telling you he felt creeped out reading it.

But I think the greatest compliments I've gotten are from people who've told me my writing changed their outlooks and minds on characters, Henry specifically. You've said this once or twice and I actually got @ohitshoneybee on the full blown Henry hype train... arguably initially because I put him through an emotional ringer with Diplopia and she felt bad for him, but still. This is a character I care about very much, more than I ever expected to, and it gives me a sense of pride that I can essentially make people somewhat see him the way I see him.

77 - Why do you enjoy writing fanfiction?

Oh, many reasons. Putting my own creative spin on my favorite fandoms, exploring ideas and adding extra dimensions to pre-existing lore... and making people have emotional breakdowns. Are you really a fanfic writer if at some point you haven't gone full Helmo?

I think the most recent example is the fact that it's allowed me to take my childhood nemesis franchise, Twilight, and give it my own three-dimensional makeover. I basically started with Mopey, Angry, and Creepy with their (remaining) wives, Druggie One and Druggie Two. I put some thought and work into it and now instead of two dimensional, one trick ponies, I have full characters I can mold and play with.

Stephenie Meyer, if you're ever reading this, call me and I can have an entire guidebook whipped up to give your characters a full revamp (no pun intended).

I take cash, checks, or Venmo.

[demon----dean]

Tag Game to Better Know You

Send this to people you’d like to know better!

I was tagged by @tennessoui which is surreal beacuse I admire her so much and she is a fandom superstar to me. (In case you are reading this Mrs.Kit: Hi! Thank you for the tag! 😍)

What book are you currently reading?

Does this count as reading?

What’s your favorite movie you saw in theaters this year? I didn't really make it to the cinema but out of the movies released I would say The Northman

What do you usually wear? Something comfy like joggers and a T-shirt, layering it up according to the season. I would describe my style as echoes of goth and urban utility.

How tall are you? It should be 5’6 in 'Murica measurments.

What’s your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event? Cancer. I share my birthday with USA's Independence Day. One year I had such a crazy birthday I ended up drinking my way to the local US ambassador's fancy reception party.

Do you go by your name or a nickname? My family shortens my passport name and friends call me a short or long version of my chosen name.

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child? In a way. I always wanted to be able to fix stuff and now I work in construction.

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one? Not in any official relationship, but I have someone in the winds, maybe one day there will arrive a chanche to make it work. Meanwhile I am looking disrespectfully at Ewan and Hayden.

What’s something you’re good at vs. something you’re bad at? I think I am pretty good at staying calm (at least on the outside) thanks to having been forced to work in customer service. I am bad at making connections and opening up to people.

Dogs or cats? Both! But really -- raccoons. The best of both worlds.

If you draw/write or create in any way, what’s your favorite picture/line/etc from something you created this year?

Ugh, I am my own worst crictic but I guess if I had to choose I would say this bit from the Impossible crossroads:

Now you find yourself standing at the impossible crossroads. Do you choose duty and honour over love? Abandon the person who cares about you the most for the greater good?

Force had fallen quiet. The moment was drifting away, their paths solidifying. Anakin’s to remain on Coruscant and Obi-Wan’s heading for Utapau.

Obi-Wan had always chosen the Jedi. Over and over again. No matter what they asked. Anakin had always chosen him.

What’s something you would like to create content for? I love writing for small niche pairings so I am chewing away on Roman Sionis/A.J. (Hayden's character from the Takers). Like the dissapointment of seeing a great pairing and finding they have 0-3 fics on AO3 is crushing so I am trying to do my civil duty.

What’s something you’re currently obsessed with? Obikin (gasp! surprise, I know). Also some work stuff I have to learn that I haven't had the chance to do before so I am watching a crazy amount of tutorials trying to teach myself.

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year? Summer. It was a bummer.

What’s a hidden talent of yours? Not sure if it counts as talent but I grew up on a farm so I know how to milk a cow and cut sheep's wool with oldschool shears.

Are you religious? "Responsibility is the dark side of freedom. When you realize that you are completely responsible for your decisions, actions, and beliefs, how can you not be overcome by anxiety? To try and escape anxiety by ignoring, denying your freedom, your responsibility? But doing that only means you’re ignoring or denying your actual situation. You succeed only in deceiving yourself."

I am forever in love with this quote by nyxocity.

What’s something you wish to have at this moment? Stability.

I don't know if you've already done this but if not then I tag @that-gay-jedi @wibzen87 @fishnamedsushi @tunglo

[lgckyoka]

When Soyi-nim first reveals the mission, Kyoka was absolutely thrilled. That lasted about one hour before it set in that she would actually have to provide her input on the setlist. Sure enough, that excitement was immediately replaced with fear.

A whole setlist… 50 minutes of her, just her, performing and talking… ah, that was a lot, wasn’t it? What to do, what to do…

Her first instinct is to ask if she can dance kenbu again, but because she’s too terrified to ask (and has enough common sense to realize they probably won’t think it’s a good idea for anyone for that matter to dance with weapons in public) so that plan quickly gets scrapped. Back to square one it is.

She doesn’t want to do anything too dance heavy, she’s too self conscious for that, but vocals she’ll happily deliver. And with that, it starts getting easier.

Everyone, or at least everyone who pays her attention (what a scary scary thought) by now is well aware for her love of Lady Oscar. 我が名はオスカル she’s too scared to touch there’s too many talented and iconic seniors to be compared to. It’s still daunting to even dare cover her kmyu seniors, but La Rose de Versailles is newer and 나를 감싼 바람은 내게만 불었나 is a really pretty song, which would work well to showcase the softer side of her singing as well as the more classically manly type. She’s already read the Korean translation of berubara while first learning the language, and she really likes how the lyrics come from the manga quotes.

She actually doesn’t know how the next item came on her list, but she found herself liking it more and more (笑) until it somehow ended up being the song she wants to perform the second most. Kyoka doesn’t question much to begin with, it’s not her style, and with Taeha she outright refuses. So if Taeha is excited at the idea of dressing up with a monocle, who is she to deny her that dream of cosplaying sexy Monopoly man? More and More is to stay.

And speaking of EMK and manga… of course Kyoka was going to include a Your Lie in April song in there too. It’s not her favorite manga, but it’s manga. There’s something about the vulnerability in the lyrics of Perfect that speak to her… into the list it goes. Though, now that she thinks of it more, why are 2/3 of the songs she’s chosen so far sung by doomed violin girls? She doesn’t even like the instrument. Weird.

After that was a total brain fart. Kyoka was starting to get worried about not being able to submit a full list and preparing for a full scolding when she’s once again saved. Since all her previous inspiration came from musicals, she takes the L and empties her wallet to watch 홍련 on a whim. Whim as in “I don’t think I’m Adulting very well with my money”, 홍련 she’s actually been eyeing for a while now as a Kim Yihu fan. It’s a good thing she did, because as soon as she saw 죽어야만 해 for the first time, she knew she wanted it.

But seriously, first a lady singing about how she’s willing to become a martyr, then a love song between death and some pretty lady, then a dying girl pretending all is well for what might be her swan song, and now a ghost singing about how she wants to die? Talk about weird.

So weirded out she is, that when Kyoka hears Ice Queen from Fabula’s newest release again, she immediately writes it down as her last choice. Contrast, all the coaches here say, contrast is your charm point. She nods firmly. Cute girl, cool concept, got it. Besides, the bridge is really pretty. She’s sure that if she rearranges it a bit, transposes it down a bit, she can do something cool with it… Ice Queen it is then.

OK? Done? Without giving herself any time to review her choices, Kyoka immediately hands her setlist t choices in. Out of sight, out of mind, now onto more important stuff. Hadestown is getting revived, she needs to beg someone to watch it with…

[solarpolarbear7]

You'd be home now review / thoughts / analysis - 5/21/23 4:37 PM and 5/22/23 1:20 AM

One of my first thoughts as I was reading this fic is that the events that take place in the so called "present day" are a parallel or even just retelling of one of my favorite songs, Scott Street by Phoebe Bridgers. I have loved Phoebe for some time now, and yeah, maybe I will be ~that~ person and say that I liked the song before it became famous on Tiktok. Sue me. But regardless I love that it is appreciated by so many more people and how meaningful of a song it has become to my sister, friends, classmates and so on. But anyways, there was a big exploration in this fic about becoming a stranger to someone you once knew so well. This particularly struck me in lines that characters said like, "Have I become a stranger?" when Dream felt so distant from George or a parallel line "You’re becoming a stranger." Yeah maybe citing these two lines is a bit on the nose, but they are the ones which made me so clearly think of the song. I am going to discuss why I love the parallel between these two lines so much in a bit, bit for now I will talk a bit more about the connection to Scott Street.

This fic just so clearly expresses the feeling of losing someone you used to be so close with and connects with the sentiment that is expressed in Scott Street. The song as a whole explores the feeling of returning home after being away for so long (such as in college) but also discusses how we still don't want to lose contact with those we used to know even if it has been a long time. Lyrics from the song reflect many of the feelings that the character's seem to have in the story. If I'm being honest, I could probably assign each lyric to a different character but I'll talk about the ones that strike me the most. I'll also use this time to talk about each character because I feel like this is the moment to discuss that. To be honest, I'm not the best analyst of writing and songs, so while this isn't the deepest selection of song lyrics I could have chosen, I still feel like it is worth it to explore them because they just fit too perfectly. Anyways here they are:

"Walking Scott Street, feeling like a stranger" - When I originally thought of this song, I thought of the third quote that I will share later, but upon opening the lyrics I immediately realized how equally perfect this one was. All of the characters have the feeling of being out of place in somewhere that is supposed to be like home, which in the case of the song lyric is Scott Street. Sapnap is a stranger in a house he used to live in and George is a stranger in a house he was meant to live in. Additionally, they all are strangers in their relationships to each other. While they, aside from Sapnap, aren't physically walking through somewhere that they used to know but is foreign to them, they are navigating relationships that they feel should be easy or shouldn't be unfamiliar. However, time has done a number on how well they understand each other, and the broken trust that they have makes them all distant. 

"Do you feel ashamed | When you hear my name?" - Again, this one is a bit self-explanatory, but I feel like this best applies to George. He expresses throughout the fic that he doesn't feel like he is deserving of love or that he hasn't earned it. Now that I am writing this, I think it also applies to Dream, but specifically in his relationship with Sapnap because he knows he was not the best friend that he could have been. However, there were also mental health issues that interfered in both situations, leading each of them to feel that the distance and break in the relationships were their own faults. Thus, they assume that each of the others hates or resents them for not being as present.

"Anyway, don't be a stranger" - Finally, this line of course had to be included. It is probably the line most people think of when they think about Scott Street and it is what inspired this little journal. This line makes me so sad in relation to the fic because this is what Sapnap and Dream wanted to avoid when Sapnap moved out, yet it happened anyway. And this fic is a lot of undoing that mentality because they are learning how not to be strangers anymore. 

Now before I get into the personal part of this fic, I want to talk about a final two song lyrics that I thought of when writing this last section. It's from the song Orange Juice by Noah Kahan and this song also fits so clearly with the story. The verse "Feels like I've been ready for you to come home | For so long | That I didn't think to ask you where you'd gone | Why'd you go?" describes specifically Dream and how he probably felt as he lost George and also how he felt when he was coming back. The line "But it made you a stranger | And filled you with anger" also relates. The "it" in this line refers to a car crash previously mentioned in the song. However, in the story, this could mean a few things. I feel that "it" could represent Dream's depression as it made Dream a stranger, but made Sapnap angry and hurt and caused him to push Dream away. The car crash could also be whatever caused George to not move to Florida. Now, whatever this was was not explicitly stated (I think, it is possible I just missed it), though we are able to make guesses and assumptions based on the tags and some comments by the characters. This event caused Dream and George to become strangers and when we flash to the present day we can connect this to the first lyric i cited, which was that now Dream has been waiting and is ready for George and Sapnap to come home, even if home isn't ready to be a home yet. Also that verse and the lyric reflect the argument that Sapnap and George have near the end of the fic. Sapnap is angry that George didn't explain his disappearance or even reach out and that argument in general holds a lot of parallels with Orange Juice. 

Now that I have analyzed a bunch of lyrics, I want to cycle back to something that I mentioned earlier which is why I am writing this journal. I only tend to write these if I connect with something I have read enough that I need more space to explain it than in a comment section or in my bookmarks. I originally was just going to leave a comment saying that I felt liket he fic connected to Scott Street, but I realized as I began to type that I had a lot more to say and now, like an hour and a half later, I'm not even done. 

As I was typing I realized how much I connected with some of the themes discussed in the fic and I realized why reading it was making me so sad. This also connects to the two lines from the story that I quoted earlier ("Have I become a stranger?" and "You’re becoming a stranger.") As I was typing them, this hit me really hard. About 9 months ago I became friends with people who I never would have expected to get so close with and now they are leaving. Thinking about it now, this group is a crazy amalgamation of people from all sorts of places, but I guess it isn't crazy to think that it worked in the end. My group being comprised of someone that I went to elementary school and did Girl Scouts with but hadn't talked to in forever, a girl from my neighborhood, a boy who had been a childhood best friend's brother, a girl I had formerly had a crush on, and a boy who I had never spoken to, but was brothers with someone from middle school. These people weren't connected really in my mind before we met, but I came to realize that it made perfect sense that the group worked out, because I didn't know any of these people very well. But fortunately, and unfortunately, now I do. And over the summer we are going to become even closer and closer. I know there is some metaphor or phrase for getting too close to people even when you know it will eventually hurt you, but I can't think of it now. All throughout the year, whenever I brought up the fact that we were sad they were leaving someone would say "there is still xyz many months left," "the school year isn't over yet," "we still have plenty of time." And I know we did. And do. Even though the months counted down. The weeks ticked by. And graduation for them loomed closer and closer. It still didn't hit me that these people I have come to know so well so fast were leaving. And to be fair, they haven't left yet. There are still board game nights over the summer and concerts and movies and other random outings that I know will happen. And though relationships in the group have changed, some for the worse and some for the better, I know we will leave most of it behind to just have fun while we can. Or at least I can hope. I can hope that when they come back to visit, I will be one of the one's they will want to see and hang out with. I can hope that we will still call and discuss the FNAF movie and that we will text and hang out over break and generally keep in touch. Because it is hard for me to become close with people. And for better or worse (thought definitely better) I have become close with them. And I don't want to lose that because of a distance that we have known is approaching since we first became friends. 

Beyond those friendships, now I, and everyone in my grade, have to start confronting the thought that all of these people we know will in a little over a year's time become people we knew from high school. I saw a Tiktok talking a bit about this. And I usually skip these because they make me sad, but for some reason I watched this one. It said something along the lines of that the closest friends aren't the ones we are at the most risk of losing. For those friendships, you are much more likely to talk despite the distance and carve out time for calls and meetups. No, the people you are most at risk of never talking to again are the casual friendships. The people you only talked to because you shared a class or a club. The people who, despite going to school with them for 4 or more years, you have never messaged online, only discussed assignments or talked to in groups. These are the people that have the highest risk to never speak to again. And the worst part is, there is almost nothing you can do. You can't create strong bonds with everyone. You can't make sure to connect with all the people you know and once knew. Maybe at some high school reunion, years down the line, you might talk to them about an old teacher, or reminisce about a funny shared memory, but never again are these people going to be constants in your life. There will be some point where even those who I am closest to now will no longer be those people. My best friends will have new friends and relationships that I have never spoken to. There will be hundreds of stories I will never get to hear. At some point, the people in their pictures that they post won't even be those I know from stories, just complete strangers that know someone I used to tell everything to. Sometimes it will be my fault and I will have to ask, "Have I become a stranger?" to those who I once knew. And in other cases it I will have to say (though likely only to myself) "You’re becoming a stranger."

These two lines work in such a twisted poetic justice with each other because in a relationship there is almost never a completely mutual agreement that it will end. Usually I, or really anyone can ask or tell themselves one and realize the answer is the other. It is a paradox but also a parallel. Like when trying to find an answer to an equation and realizing they are the same line, that there are infinite solutions (Sorry for getting all D-503 on you there, just the mathamatical imagery in We is so inspirational). I am probably over thinking it. I'm sure when Caroll wrote the story she wasn't intending for two random sentances to be taken out and analyzed so much, but they just stood out to me so clearly.

To finish out this entry, I just want to be able to appreciate the time I do have left with my friends, even if we know it is coming to an end. Its bittersweet, but I think that's the best part. That even though there is the bitter part, we know there is sweetness to it. A defined ending means certainty, but this can be good and bad. Yes, there is certainty that things will never be the same, that we won't spend weekend after weekend watching movies and hanging out and playing board or video games. But there is also certainty that we have until that time to make the most of these next few months. There is certainty that all we need to do is maximize our friendship until the days that they leave. That part is a promise. A promise to do those board game nights on Tuesdays and go see Oppenheimer and Barbie and celebrate everyone's birthdays. A promise to text each other Tiktoks and call and play Gartic Phone or Fortnite. A promise to make the most of the time we have left because truthfully, things won't be the same after, no matter how much we want to deny it. At least, thats what I have to tell myself. I would love to be pleasantly surprised to find that when they come back during the winter or when we see them next summer, everything is the same. But, that hope would be foolish and wistful. I don't want to be optimistic or pessimistic, I just want to be as realistic as possible. Because they will have made new friends and we will have made new friends. Truthfully, I will probably be a pretty different person, but so will they. And you know what, there is comfort in knowing certainly that things will change. Change is hard and isn't very predictable. But knowing for certain things will change makes it easier. One of the toughest times that I have had with my friends was when we got in a disagreement that hurt our relationship, something that none of us predicted. That change, that surprise and uncertainty was awful. But knowing that in this instance, in the times they returen, there will be growing pains and adjustments and redefinitions of each other will make it less hard of a pill to swallow when the time comes. 

The last time I wrote this much in a reflection on a fic was February and I didn't really think it was possible to get that kind of inspiration again. That fic was much much longer than this one, but that also gives me hope that I will be able to do this kind of writing again. To bring this back to the source material, I have realized how much of the fic was dealing with change. Change is such a hard concept to come to terms with, and the characters in the fic show what happens when change or lack of change when it is needed isn't handled well. Someone else could probably write a whole other piece on a completely different aspect of this story. And maybe if I reread this again someday and connect with a different part, then that person will be me. This was only an exploration of a small part of this fic that I connected with and again, there is so so much more to say. This story had so many layers, and I am so grateful to have gotten to read it, because without being friends with Caroll I probably wouldn't so thank you. Thank you Caroll for writing this universe and giving me such incredible inspiration. I don't know if you are ever going to see this (though I wouldn't mind sharing it with you minus the name drops) but I hope you do get to see how much a piece of writing that you created has impacted someone. It impacted me enough to write this whole basically essay on my thoughts so finally, thank you. I want to close this again with a quote that Caroll also wrote from a now deleted fic. I hope that this doesn't reflect my relationships in the future, but I love this quote so much and I feel like the sentiment of it is fitting.

“Life goes on, and time never waits for anyone. I just wish we could’ve been an exception.”