#have an apartment a job and can pay my bills so i think im doing something right

[fabulous-gabulous-theartist]

What being an adult feels like to millennials.

[drev-the-procrastinator]

love waking up to my mom giving me an ultimatum and ordering that i have to give up my (admittedly expensive) apartment 1n 2 weeks and move back home for good. i had stuff to do today but i guess being gripped by dread and anxiety works too

[stellardeer]

i have to come to terms with the fact that I am actually well off for someone in this country now, like.. idk it's weird

i'm still living the exact same lifestyle that i was before, so for the most part it feels almost like nothing has changed, like maybe im spending a little bit more money on food and buying the "good" toilet paper, but all that does is allow me to actually have savings in my bank account

i still stand with the working class and impoverished people of this country, and I am very much still in the boat of "one [very] bad day from homelessness" so i am not taking this for granted whatsoever

i've just been watching some of those youtube channels where they interview random people all over the country and just like.. kinda show what their life is like and it's definitely putting mine in perspective

very very grateful for the opportunities i have had and very proud of myself for forcing myself to stay in college (even tho it took almost 10 years to finish and left me with a mountain of debt) and just like.. idk, i feel like i could be doing more to help people out, i can't wait til im out of debt ;o;

[leqonsluv3r]

please read❗️

so as you all know, i haven’t been as active on here in the past couple of months.

here is why; it all started when we first moved into our apartment four months or so ago. the first week we moved in we have had issues with our downstairs neighbor. he has made our life a living hell basically and has complained to management about us a number of times. to preface, we have done nothing wrong. we always keep our noise to a minimum and our dogs never really bark unless they’re scared or playing. but that is besides the point, we got a number of complaints and were given a notice to not let our dogs dedicate on the sidewalk or bark (which was never really a problem to begin with but we complied).

cue those days that go buy, i get a knock on the door after i come home from work.

its an eviction notice.

instantly, im panicked and my mom is panicked. we don’t have money for this, we cant afford a mover or to move again. we just moved. these are all very real thoughts that kept going through my head. my anxiety didn’t make it any better lol, but that was the realness of it. we didn’t have the money or time for that, we had just moved three months prior into this apartment.

so we decided to get a lawyer, the eviction notice gave us two weeks to move out. TWO WEEKS. thats so illegal, hence, the lawyer we got. also the reason they wanted us gone was for our dog peeing on the sidewalk and barking excessively during quiet hours. which, keep in mind, neither has happened at all.

we got a court date after the two weeks, consulted a lawyer. BUT JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CANT GET ANY FUCKING WORSE.

my mom looses her job, which….is more added stress on top of everything else we have going on. i only make so much and rent where i live is fucking astronomical and almost impossible to pay. hence, why im on here…i hate to be one of these people and i never thought i would have to make one of these, much less post it to my writing blog where i write leon smut lmao. but…i started a go fund me and it’s linked below. if you would like to help out even by a couple dollars…that would be great. even reblogging and sharing.

my mom is applying for foodstamps but we still need to pay for rent and other bills, its all on me and i don’t have all the money myself to do it. so any help at all is appreciated.

i just need all the help i can get right now and i hate asking for it but…

i really need it.

thank you, i love you all. ❤️



[theambitiouswoman]

how do you deal with shame? bc i suffered with severe depression and im just getting my own apartment at 30 years old. i still have no degree, the job i go to in ashamed everyday even though it pays my bills and take care of my kids because i see everyone who i went to high school with graduated and some got their masters. im ashamed of what i been through and ashamed of where im in at my life and im carrying deep deep depression and shame because i feel like im not enough and embarrassed of where im at because i know i could’ve did more with my life.

I really want to answer this because I also remember feeling behind at one point and I definitely remember my friends comparing themselves to me because we didn’t make the same life decisions.

Just want to warn you I’m going to give you some compassion combined with a little tough love.

I’m really, REALLY sorry you’re feeling this way. No matter how different your life looks to others, it’s your life. It’s easy to compare yourself to people who seem to have it all figured out, but their paths aren’t yours. Just because you are seeing someone during the good times in their lives, doesn’t mean it will always be that way or that it won’t be for you when the time is right.

I remember feeling so much judgment because all my friends were married, had serious boyfriends, or kids. Back then, I’d leave our dinners in tears, feeling like a failure. Looking back now, the pressure I felt seems almost comical, but it was painful at the time. For context, I’ve been engaged more than once, yet I wasn’t ready to settle. Now, many of those women are divorced and starting over, often without financial independence, while I’m at a high point in my life and considering settling down on my own terms.

The lesson here is that life isn’t a race or a checklist. It’s not linear, and it doesn’t have to follow a timeline. Some people hit their stride at 20, others at 30, 40, or beyond—and that’s okay. Life is meant to be experienced, not rushed. The lessons we learn along the way shape us. Society’s timelines and standards are just that—standards. You don’t have to follow them to live a fulfilling, meaningful life.

Depression is incredibly hard to deal with, and it’s not something I take lightly. But since you’re committed to working on yourself, it’s so important to remind yourself to keep pushing forward. That said, I think you’re being way too hard on yourself right now. Who wouldn’t feel overwhelmed? But let’s take a step back—you have your own apartment for the first time, which is incredible! You have a job that allows you to provide for your kids, putting food on the table and showing up as a parent who loves them deeply. How lucky are they to have you?

From my perspective, you’re incredibly strong. You’ve faced depression and still found the courage to keep building yourself up. That’s no small feat. Don’t let negative thoughts get in your way—practice reframing them. Instead of focusing on what you feel is lacking, focus on how far you’ve come and the amazing things you’re doing right now. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

You may not like where your life is now, but you have to realize that it is under your control. If you want to change your life now, today, you can. Your life will start to change when you yourself commit to change. And that starts with your thoughts. Work on your perspective. Don’t beat yourself up for what could have happened or didn’t happen because you’re wasting even more time for absolutely nothing. You feel like you’ve wasted years, why would you want to continue wasting any more?

Shame often stems from the story we tell ourselves, so try to shift that narrative. You wouldn’t shame your friends for struggling; you’d remind them of their resilience. Focus on small wins— change your perspective. Start focusing on showing gratitude for the things you do have and what you’ve overcome. Gratitude for everything and anything. Gratitude attracts miracles and abundance. I know this sounds dumb or unrealistic, but it’s true. Besides, it doesn’t hurt to try.

I’m very proud of you and you can do so much more, anything you want if you just had a little bit of faith in yourself. Your worth isn’t defined by what you’ve been through or what you’ve accomplished. It’s defined by the fact that you’re here, trying and pushing forward. That alone makes you more than enough.

[the-moon-files]

As I work on my college assignments that I have missed due to being sick I can't help but think *damn* I would absolutely hate being transported to another world due to all my responsibilities. Like, even if it was that zero time occurring between getting back home I wouldn't want that, because fuck what if time did pass? What if I got fired from my job or missed on rent and all my stuff got thrown out of my apartment?? I love the idea of being away from my responsibilities but I hate having to go back to more and more things I have to more things I have to make up or have just missed.

Anyway, my brain suddenly attached this to a reader who got stuck in the linked universe. The emotions they would go through because their mind isn't stuck on the past or present but in the future. What if they had pets? Who'd take care of them? How would they pay their bills if they got stuck in an alternate universe? It's a sudden absence of these things that really trip them up because they had so much to do and now it's all gone. They can actually live now. But also they weren't built to live life outside of the weird society we have. How can they learn to live if the way they'd been living was nothing but a mental ladder to keep up with. How can they keep going knowing that back home there are important events and people and animals that they are missing out on.

-✒️ (Sorry for the long ask I'm an a very existential mood rn)

Sorry this is such a late reply!! I've had a "fanfic author curse" kinda year tbh, so I'm just now getting back into my hobbies :/

(i just got so burnt out by life i wasn't even in the mood to play the video games, let alone touch my blogs/write for them :( which is sad bc i love talking to you guys /gen)

So, I hope this late response is okay, and college and things these days are going better for you anon!!

_

BRO RLLY DROPPED MY WORST FEARS IN MY MAIL BOX ON A GODDAMN?? WEDNESDAY EVENING??? 😭😭 /LH

NO but SERIOUSLY this is genuinely a fear ive had in realistic isekai scenario situations,

So for like a year, maybe 2 now? Ive been obsessively consuming "isekai/reincarnation/transmigration anime" or this trope that somehow someway a character is misplaced from their original timeline, maybe just mysteriously yoinked/died/possessed another body in a diff universe, whatever, either way theyre There now, in a diff universe. And animes consistently gloss over this transitional period, that i can see real ppl actually having, to just sort of accept and move on, of course yo get the plot rolling.

But i guess theres just not quite enough sort of nitty-gritty isekai content yet for anyone to get have finally made an isekai genre thing that really goes on the other side of the spectrum, where the MC is like, well, THIS^^^

Like unless ur actually a hermit, youve either pushed away all ur family anf friends or theyve passed away, and you dont have a pet, pr whatever/whoever else,

ive learned after sort of coming out of teen years/rlly long depressive episodes that, Someone will always notice you. Theyll notice youre gone, and theyll miss you.

Like ppl hit u with that angsty, "nobody cares abt me" and then when u realistically sit them down like, "okay. What about your favorite teacher? What about your best friend? What about your online friends who will never see you log on again? What about your dog?"

Like yeah, who will take care of your dog?? Becaue where im at in life, if my sibling dies, ive got no one to care about my old girl, my kitty Mia <3 whos loved me since i was 12 😭

So, ive been actually wanting to fill in somewhat this gap in isekai genre by sort of expanding on it, i mean to be honest fanfiction is the only media ive seen thats gotten close to tackling this, with any amount of realism/emotional depth it deserves.

i hope u found this any amount of satisfying response, i probably would take this is in either a complete horror fashion/tragic scenario (which i don't write that often tbh) or a sort of "angst with a happy ending" like MC/reader worrying freaking out abt homeworld but there's a portal to let you go between worlds or smth

Peace out ✒️,

🌙📁

(i found a file emoji - how do we feel abt it??)

[pumpkinsy0]

Any purly living together HCs?

im rubbing my hands together like a fly for this one WOO

•i think pony wouldve asked curly if he wanted to move w him bc he wants more opportunities for himself, but curly was unsure for a while if he rlly wanted to make that big of a change in his life

•yes yes the curtis gang would feel bittersweet about pony leaving but imagine the shepards</33, i feel like tim and angela would be surprised that curlys moving out bc hes always wanted to stay there, but at the same time hes growing up

•i think before this curly and tim wouldve talked about it a lot, like if curly rlly wanted to move or not, its a bug thing for em, tim wants to stay and to have curly leave would rlly change him i thing, not for the better or worst, just change him

•angela would be upset but hey, what can she do about it, she punches curlys arm and tells him he better not kill himself out there and to keep in contact

•i WAS gonna say “mwahaahhahaha make them move to nyc so i can have them close to me and insert my own experiences but also so pony could have more opportunities” but,,,ill b nice and say they moved far but not THATTTT far, idk where they r tho

•BUT if we wanna go down them just living together, lets just say theyre in the same state as everyone still, just in a different neighborhood n what not

•NOW its more upbeat, curly thinks the area is boring but pony likes it so its whateverrrr

•neither of them can cook woukd be me being an ass, pony can cook, he just doesnt like to, curly however rlly cant, so most of the time theyre eating bagged or take out food, either that or someone just brings them cooked food they can eat as left overs

•im sorry, no pathetic wife curly for this one, curly gets a part time job here, he wants to help pay the rent, and ponys glad bc this economy is ASS

•they would fluctuate chores, but nahhhh, they usually both stick to the same ones

•theyve fallen asleep on the couch numerous times instead of just going to bed, they both have shit sleeping schedules neither will actually address

•pony will call home nearly everyday just to update on what's going on, and curly calls home not as much, but still pretty frequent

•bc ponys so used to not having the door locked bc thats just how he grew up, curlys always scolding him, bc r u TRYING to let a serial killer in???😭😭

•they dont rlly let anyone inside their house, they just,,,dont,,,like unless ur family, chances r ur not getting invited to their house

•they realized they could take any stray that they wanted home w them and just havent stopped bringing them in since

•theres always SOMETHING in their house left on, a light, the tv, SOMETHING

•i personally want them to live in an apartment bc it would b funny if curly was like “its so our water bill is t high” and pony KNOWS they dont pay for the water, but just goes along w it (also yes they shower together more)

•theyre like, almost never fully clothed, especially curly, his shirt is just always off, theyre just comfortable that way, IM NOT SAYING THEY HAVE THEIR BARE ASS OUT BTW🙎🏽‍♀️🙎🏽‍♀️

[hwangjins00]

Johnny Lawrence and the self-fulfilling prophecy

so i've been thinking about this for a while and also because s6p1 just came out but i think that johnny is one of the best examples of a self-fulfilling prophecy in ck.

SO we've seen multiple times that johnny's been told he ruins people, by danial, robby, shannon, and carmen, even terry. And i'm not gonna disregard his actions, i agree that he has done a lot of stuff that negatively affected himself and those around him, not limited to becoming a functioning alcoholic, teaching kids aggression, drunk fights, being an absentee father, etc

BUT we also see him try a lot of times to get his act together and do better for the people around him, such as teaching miguel mercy, cleaning up his apartment and trying to limit drinking for carmen, and trying to get along with daniel for the sake of his students, but he's still criticized even for trying his best, the only character to consistently have been on his side through his highs and lows has been miguel.

out of all the characters the one who refuses to see johnny's change the most is probably daniel, and this is NOT a daniel hate post, i love daniel and he's one of my favourite kk and ck characters but that doesn't disregard the fact that he tends to have knee-jerk reactions and gets unbalanced easily when it comes to johnny. A lot of the characterization in the show can be attributed to writing choices but i'm going to try my best to not make that my main focus.

alright lets start!

when johnny first opens up his dojo its partly because of the anger he feels towards daniel for succeeding in life but mainly because he doesn't want miguel to keep getting beat on and miguel probably reminds him of himself before he met kreese. Daniel is the one to come to johnny and tell him to close cobra kai and this is completely valid seeing as how daniel's experiences with cobra kai were in his youth, however its also been 30 years and its reasonable to assume that johnny isnt still a high school bully. He tells miguel that if he doesnt leave the dojo he'll end up 'just like' johnny. Right off the bat we have someone insinuating that johnny is a terrible role model. Then when daniel starts training robby and discovers robby's homelife he goes to talk to johnny just to immediately turn on him the second he sees kreese, he doesn't talk to johnny to clear up the situation and he doesn't tell him about his son, and yes johnny has been a shitty dad but he deserves to know that his kid is going to be living with someone else (i honestly thought it was crazy that daniel never mentioned that he had johnny's SON IN HIS HOUSE??)

when robby takes sam to johnny's apartment when she was drunk daniel literally kicked down his door and got into a physical fight with johnny because he couldn't believe that johnny was being considered a safe space for his son to bring his crush to in order to sober up and wouldn't listen to johnny rationally asking him to calm down. and S6 SPOILERS but i think that out of the two of them johnny was trying much harder to be accomodating to daniel, he gave up the name cobra kai and eagle fang for miyagi do, worked kata into his teaching and geniunely tried to not be so hard headed and quick to fight. He tried to get a job (daniel making him switch from using karate as a job was honestly crazy, that was literally how he was paying bills and putting food on the table, johnny asking to be paid for his time and effort wasnt an insane ask especially considering that daniel owns multiple dealerships and chozen comes from a rich family as well, johnny is the only one that actually needed the dojo as a way to make money) and just overall be there, im not saying hes a great dad right away but its obvious that he's trying to be there for both miguel and robby without making either one of the boys feeling forgotten. (ex, telling them both he's proud win or lose, tying robby's headband, listening to miguel's college essay)

HOWEVER, it seems that no matter what he does, johnny is almost never seen positively by anyone other than miguel and devon. daniel switches up on him instantly (he drops people at the first sight of their flaws, as soon as johnny takes even a single step backwards instead of acting rationally and looking at the situation + offering support he tells johnny he'll never change and drops him immediately, he did the same thing with robby and doing that to a teenager dependent on you for food and shelter is honestly crazy), carmen has been pretty much sidelined due to the baby (i have THOUGHTS on this), kreese is his only supporter and he was literally tripping balls and snapped hallucination johnny's neck like a stale breadstick so johnny doesnt really have much in the way of a good support system

now for those that have somehow stuck around lol lets get to the actual point (i realized here that i literally just blabbed for so long without making my point lmfao)

a self-fulfilling prophecy is essentially: you become what you are told. if i told you everyday that you will never amount to more than what you are right now, ive 'prophesied' your future and to self-fulfil it you would just stop trying because you know that nothing you do will ever change my mind.

in a similar vein i believe that deep down johnny DOES believe that no matter what he does or how hard he tries he'll never be able to move past the image of him thats already been made up in peoples minds (society for all it talks about rehabilitation does not tend to actually support those who want to rehabilitate- more thoughts below) and so he goes through a constant cycle of disappointing those around him again and again because no one believes he can be any better and he's internalized that, i honestly have soo many thoughts about johnny's character in kk1 and ck and i would love to chat with anyone interested about it

re: society and rehab

so people talk the good talk about how rehabilitation is important and necessary, in the show daniel is able to form good friendships with both chozen and mike who were arguably much worse than johnny was to him (chozen fought in a literal DEATH MATCH against him and mike harassed him, dangled him off a cliff, forced him to compete in a rigged match where he pretty much just whaled on him on the mat), why was daniel able to forgive these guys but not johnny? my theory is that its because to him chozen and mike have their lives together and have also properly apologized for their actions (JJ&H im still waiting on that johnny apology where we address the 'you're alright larusso' line) meanwhile johnny has obviously gone downhill since HS, but daniel never takes his attempts to get it together seriously and along with a lot of the toxic ideals put into him by kreese, johnny doesn't take his rehabilitation seriously either, he can't afford rehab for his alcohol dependency (plus rehab isnt viewed positively by him either) and he doesnt have a very steady support system so that makes it even more difficult. unlike daniel he's never had a positive father figure in his life which makes it difficult for him to act as a father without fear of becoming kreese, i just wish that the show would take johnny's journey to becoming the man he wants more seriously

[confessions-official]

I am literally so fucking angry at my upper middle class 'friend' whining all the time when I am below the poverty like. Like, oh nooo, you live in a high-rise apartment with your parents (who pay all your bills ✨), go to a good college (your parents pay for it ✨), have a custom built PC (they helped pay for it ✨), and you have a job where you're in part time because you "don't want to do full time" despite it being remote work most of the time.

AND YOU HAVE THE GALL TO COMPLAIN. TO ME. ABOUT HOW HARD. YOUR LIFE IS. AND HOW YOU JUST MET YOUR FAVE CELEBRITY IN PERSON DURING A CON YOU COULD AFFORD TO GO TO WHEN YOU KNOW FOR A FACT I HAVE TO BUDGET MONTHLY, CANT AFFORD COLLEGE, CAN BARELY AFFORD WHERE IM LIVING, AND CALL YOURSELF "POOR"?!

My brother in fucking Christ I am going to go insane. Are there unique struggles? Sure, but he complains about how he can't afford his little luxuries because he spends it all on mobile gambling apps and then puts off his schoolwork and actual work in favor of gambling and/or playing video games.

The sole reason I hang out with him still is because I am one of maybe three people total that can even tolerate him (between his gambling and complaining there is not much else to his personality). Very close to cutting him off though because he complained about wanting to drop out of college and it is taking me all my self control not to throttle him for thinking about throwing away this luxury that he has.

 

[itsjaywalkers]

how do you plan to survive in jegulus fandom when everyone hates each other? how it will work in a long run and what newcomers should do? how are we supposed to know what fics not to read and with whom do not interact and what events not to join?

honestly nonnie i get where the fear and concern come from, bc this fandom is a shitshow and i've never been in one that it's this Bad or Miserable but also . it has brought me a lot of wonderful ppl?? art that i adore and that has inspired me and continues to do so?? sure, a part of it fucking sucks, but that's true for every fandom, even if the marauders fandom IS worse than others

i can assure u, not everyone hates each other. i'm friends with many ppl who are incredibly dear to me, and who i trust and admire and i love!! and there's others who i'm not as close to but who i also get along with really well, and the content i get on my dash is almost always nice?? and lovely?? and interesting?? idk, apart from random hate asks (and i couldn't care less about those) the time i spend here in tumblr participating in fandom is more often than not fun and fulfilling

and newcomers should do the same i did when i first got into the fandom, and what everyone else before me has done. get to know other ppl. decide by themselves who and what they like. block or mute what they don't. focus on everything they're passionate about and ignore the rest. fandom is about having fun and about community. yes, ofc you're gonna encounter assholes and have to deal with shitty situations but that's just part of it. it can't be Good and Perfect all the time

regarding fics or ppl or events, again, it's all up to u. i think most of us are old enough to make our own assumptions and choose by ourselves. if ur wary about something or someone, then u can ask around and then decide depending on ur own ideals or what's more worth it to u. this is just fandom, and most of the time, it's never that deep. like, i have a life outside of tumblr and ao3 and anything marauder related, and half of the shit that goes down here doesn't matter irl?? why the fuck should i care about some anonymous asshole telling me im awful at writing or that jegulus sucks when i have bills to pay and friends who love me and a job i need to go to five days a week (ofc there are exceptions and sometimes problems can be genuinely serious and severely affect real ppl but u get what i mean)

my point is . i understand where ur coming from bc this fandom is a nightmare but also . it's just fandom . if it's too much and it's not worth it then u don't have to get involved At All and still enjoy it from the outside

and regardless, i promise u it's not half as bad as u painted it out to be

[idontplaytrack]

tw: vent

once again feeling like i just wanna give up bc i’m just constantly stuck— mentally, physically. i’m just never really happy anymore. i’m expected to pay for my siblings’ meals when i take them out, and can’t ask for it back because they’re younger than me and they don’t work. i was nearly at $200 in savings and somehow, without spending more than $30 on myself for the last week, I’m down to $95 in my savings. i’ve been scrimping and saving so i can take time off of work and ‘reality’ to go to hawaii for a few days but now im just so much further away from my savings goal that i just feel like it’s not worth it anymore. yes, i know i can just go to a neighbouring country but there’s nothing i wanna do there, the same stores are everywhere in this region and it’s like what’s the point? it’s a personal preference but a place i’ve been wanting to visit but never had the guts to even think about, to plan, to research to make sure i keep in mind that i respect the people, nature and wildlife. to make sure i stay within my budget, knowing where to go, where to eat, what to do, what i want to buy so i only buy those items and not extra things. i know life isn’t fair but why the hell does birth order have to decide what one has to do for family? when the more ‘grown’ adults in the family have nothing but terrible, terrible things to say about the choices i want to make? what i wear, what i eat, where i work, where i want to travel to, what i want to study, where i want to study, why i want to study? why I am always thinking about being anywhere but home??? i get that i owe my parents years and years worth of money and then some for bringing me up, but little things, ‘casual remarks’ stick with me and just ruin me day by day. i can barely remember the good.

i’m in a way fortunate to still live in this apartment with my family so i don’t have to worry about rent. but i pay for my own expenses at work, transportation and my phone bill. i also pay for whatever the hell kind of knick knacks, snacks, meals and even toys when we go out. because i know she doesn’t like to be home and being the target of my parents’ yelling, it sucks for them to talk shit about you right to your face, calling you burdens, telling you their lives stopped because of you. i didn’t choose to be here, i didn’t choose for us to be low-income if you yourselves don’t want to do anything but spew out your so-called ‘creative ideas for new job ventures and asking me to help you. you’re so vague, help with what? how do i help? what do you want me to do? why do i have to give up on my part time job to risk a new career with you that you’re starting from scratch with no clients/customers yet? why is the burden just on me like this even though it isn’t explicitly said? i’m not a bad person, but they’re making me out to be a horrible human being that disrespects family and elders even though i’m treated as less than just because ‘they’re my parents and know me best because they raised me?’ you have no idea how much of myself i had to hide in my 20 years of existence. i don’t even know who i am anymore, what i believe in, what i want in my life for myself.

[transexualpirate]

serious post ew look away but i need to vent for a second

it's infuriating how fast i can go from feeling amazing to feeling like actual garbage. just this week i was happy that things are looking up for me and mulder and my little petsitting business was taking off and i was doing good at college only for things to go bad again because it always feels like im not allowed to enjoy feeling happy for too long

i know i sound super dramatic right now but i can't help it thats my natural reaction to things. im dramatic. its who i am.

my roommate is moving out possibly this week and im glad because we haven't been getting along well recently but also the bills are piling up and i was already on the edge of it as it was but i could still maintain things. but i just learned that my landlord wants to raise rent 10% unexpectedly and i know it isn't a lot and i can probably still pay it but it's still scary. it'll be my first time living 100% on my own and i have a cat to care for (thank goodness because if i had to live actually alone i dnt know what id do lol but with a cat relying on me i know im safe) and it's just. i dont know. it kind of feels like a lot. i dont know if im ready for this if ill do well if ill be okay and i hate that so much. everything is so expensive and im looking for a job but it's so so hard to find one i can do while still having time to spare for college and im scared that my grades will drop because this semester has been really hard and I'm really insecure about my own intellectual abilities. and keeping an entire apartment clean by myself. can i even do that. i struggle with keeping my room liveable sometimes what if i fuck up and the house gets super dirty and it's embarrassing and i can never bring anyone over in fear of them finding out what a fucking mess i am. not that my friends come over a lot obviously. i dont know if my friends like me very much. one of them drifted away from me after i fucked up twice once by sleeping with one of her friends and making things super awkward because he fell for me but i dont like him that way and twice because my roommate and i aren't that good right now and my roommate is also a close friend of hers. and i have other friends but i always feel like i cant keep long lasting meaningful friendships if we see each other often because i fucking suck. i think im just a little bit of a mess right now and it's. exhausting. im scared. im scared and money is running thin and i can always ask my parents for more but im scared of doing that too because my mom always makes it seem like i own her something when she gives me money. which i guess i do so it makes sense. but im tired of owning things to people and i was trying to go by without depending on her so much but i guess im not ready for that. im almost 19 and i feel 13 when things started crashing around me for the first time and it's a little more than a month to my birthday which is often a shit time because of bad things that happened there and i dont know dude i dont fucking know i think im just overwhelmed i wish i could go to therapy again but i don't have the money or the time really. at least i have mulder. ill always have my cat. i love him so much. at least i have him. i have to hope things will get better. i have to hope and work for things to get better and i know this because i worked before and it worked. but god im tired and i just wish i could go to sleep and not wake up to bad news for once. i wish i could go to sleep. fucking hell

[pupuseriazag]

Tw: venting (mentions of death trauma, family problems, etc)

I think I am going through another episode like years ago, I have tried my best to keep myself stable and silence the dangerous and panic inducing thoughts but I dont know how much more I will be able to endure.

For those that dont know, I have major anxiety and phobia to death. In 2021 I had to be taken to a psychologist because I broke down in my moms arms, not being able to stop the constant storm of my brain making me panic about how one day Im not going to be here,that I could die any moment and I dont have a guarantee of whats going to happen after that... Its hell, its horrible I love living so much and I know I should already have processed the thoughts... But I cant man. I cant and its horrible to live like this.

I was medicated with anxiety pills (my mom was afraid I could get addicted to antidepression pills until months later another doctor actually prescribed them to me) and ever since I "became better" I've been feeling guilty to ask her to buy me more because I dont want to worry her more.

Before turning 18 I NEVER visioned myself getting to live 24. I cried the early morning I turned 18 because I just didnt knew what to do. I still dont know what to do.

Im at 24 and Im getting let down more and more by life. Situation at home is still shitty and I just... Dont see a way for us to leave here.

Its been 5 fucking years since we began searching for a home to move away from my dad (to clarify: my dad is not physically nor verbally abusive. But he is a cheater, a selfish person and emotionally manipulative jobless liar.) and we cant... We just cant. Everywhere expects you to be paying 400$ a month for a one room apartment or 90k for a home thats falling apart, we cannot afford to move to another departament because of my university and her job. Traffic from other cities like San Marcos, San Martin and even Mejicanos is just too fucking much. Its already too much where we live.

Even if I had a job, we couldnt be able to move somewhere better, we have been stuck here for 5 years, two fucking years taken from covid and 3 to try to stabilize ourselves after that (plus his medical bills after he got kidney stones riiiight after leaving his job, very fucking convenient)

We cant even move to my grandma's or my mom's sister's house. They live on the other side of the country and they have always been very vocal about being against my mom and siding with my dad. And even tho we have the support of some of my dad's sisters... We just cant move to their home.

Everyday I wake up here is like being stuck in a time loop. Every day is the fucking same and I just find a way to distract myself before being yanked back to reality, same with my mom. And you know the worst? I also have to be my moms therapist.

Im tired man, all of this is driving me crazy and the hopelessness I feel when I realize my position is just... Overwhelmingly sad. I hate this life, I hate the life I was given and I hate being brought to a broken family, I hate that my life could have been better if ONLY my dad was not a piece of shit cheating on my mom and putting HIS family side before us, I hate that things could have been so... So much different if only he was a good person. Im not strong enough to continue pretending its not affecting my mental health, no wonder the intrusive thoughts increased these months... These past days.

I feel miserable, I feel worthless, I feel like everything is not worth it. I have insomnia until like 4 am and I panic when I cant find anything I can listen to so I can get some sleep. I havent been able to draw because I dont feel its worth it... I have only been able to distract myself playing and going to uni.

And even putting my family problems aside, I still cant find joy or hope. National news and seeing how this country its being turned into the gringos/politicians playhouse, how even if my life was "better" Im still in danger for being a queer afab person. How people still have blind faith in a fascist regime and money runs lower and lower for the working class meanwhile they proudly announce the inauguration of gentrified beaches and zones of San Salvador, displacing markets and historial establishments to put a fucking starbucks and other multinationals to be more gringo friendly while zones like Apopa and Soyapango are heavily militarized and the police can just say you are linked to the gangs to abuse you.

On top of that coming to terms that I may not end up working in anything art related and having to accept thar if I ever get a job Ill have to rot in an office, seeing how even tho I want to stay away from the norm I feel forced to join it... And that also means having to ""accept my prewritten gender role"".

Everyday that passes feels as if life will force me to live as a straight cis woman or otherwise I will just have to accept being alone the rest of my life.

I know Im being too negative right now, Im letting out how I've been feeling because lately its just been... Too much. Last night I even had a small disagreement with my mom because Im just not in the mood for being her therapist during this we're dealing. I know my dad is an asshole and I know hes using the few money he has to pamper his other woman instead of helping with the bills, I already know he tries to lie to us and acts as the victim. Its tiring to go through the same conversation about him everyday.

So yeah, back to my life... I just wish for some peace you know? I wish for a house where I can actually see the sky from my window and not worrying about at least my family problems. Srry for the sudden emotional explosion

[heystephen]

i desperately need a min to vent scout i hope you dont mind

i work freelance and im not from the us but my main client is from there

im missing four paychecks now, all overdue (one is from freakin december!!), and with june ending, i sent in a new one to get paid. all of them together total $10k. ive been reaching out to the client for a while now (since the first one became overdue), who's been finding excuses on why they're overdue. i call it finding excuses because it's not my job to chase them for payments. i do my work, great work, deliver on deadlines and everything, haven't had a complaint. and then i get paid. the money im owed is enough to put a down payment on a mortgage loan for a penthouse apartment where im from. i have leeway for about the end of the year, god forbid anything bad happens. ive reverted to eating like a college student to try saving more which is almost impossible with the inflation rates here. the last time i got paid was half of an overdue paycheck from last july, which wasn't even enough to get through the month.

now, last time i heard from the client was the beginning of last month. i kept sending messages and emails these past few weeks and got no response or anything. i talked to others working with the same client and they also have overdue payments and haven't heard back. so i decided to install a mail tracker before reaching out one more time, just to be sure that my email is at least being delivered if nothing else. well i learned that it has been delivered, and not just that, but opened multiple times. but i hear nothing back. im on the verge of a breakdown, it's so maddening and devastating and i cant even cut the client because who knows when ill hear back then or even get paid and the job market im in is wonky atp. i cant even borrow money from friends and family because they're going to expect it back at some point but i dont even know when ill be able to pay anyone back in that situation. and this is my main source of income. i cant take them to court because im not from the us. all i can do is wait and hope. and it's killing me that ive done all this work with no compensation. not even the decency to hear back after i explained that i need the money to live, pay rent and bills and get food. i cant move back home and revert back to triggering flashbacks that are terrible for my mental health. the reason ive been overworking is to stay as far away as possible from there. i started getting anxiety attacks just thinking about all this.

anyway that's all i got im exhausted and cant stop crying rn

anon im so sad for you because this entire situation is so unfair and it sounds so exhausting. there's no excuse for this client to be ghosting you for this long, like at the absolute very least, they owe you the dignity of a response. you provided a service and you're entitled to your payment. i love u. :(

[ooglywooglies]

personal 👇

im feeling a bit like ass, i kind of always am its the nature of being disabled and unemployed but its feeling a little extra strenuous lately because about 2 months ago my husband lost his job, he was a court typist and it paid well enough that we dont need a roommate (or rent is extremely fair for the current cost of living crisis though bc of some weird circumstances with our landlord) he was made redundant bc the company is doing some stupid labor rights violations that im not going to get into. but anyway when he lost his job he had all his annual leave paid out which was a couple months worth to live on while he looked for a new job

problem is all this happened in like, late november, which means no one was fucking hiring because it was christmas and he only just now got another job. i thought we had maybe a month of safety net left from the payout but turns out i was wrong and its completely gone as of like literally this week, in the meantime rents due and seems our electricity bill is high because the heat is relentless and i asked if we should tone it down with the AC usage and he was like "well if we do that well probably literally die of heat stroke so"

i think we will be okay, i think we will be able to recover from it pretty soon

the reason im extra stressed is because literally in two days i have a fucking adhd consult ive been waiting 3 months for thats going to cost 200 dollars AND we have to schedule another doctors appointment very soon bc the copd ive been ignoring turns out, gets worse when you ignore it and ive nearly had to go to the hospital AND my stupid fucking back is killing me so bad we need to move on the surgery shit so it can get DONE with so i can RECOVER so i can fucking get up and HELP MY GODDAMN HUSBAND

it sucks! it sucks! this timing is so bad! my body is fucking falling apart at the seams and we have no money! but were not fucked quite yet. so im just. a little bit anxious.

were kind of banking on the fight the fair work commissions having with his old job to get him another payout bc theyre not taking him back, esp knowing that theyre pushing for AI and other dumb shit so they dont have to pay people to transcribe (which is not what they made him redundant for, they wanted him to switch to contract work so they wouldnt have to pay his superannuation or give him sick leave)

it sucks to be a useless mass but it sucks worse to be a useless mass that costs so much money

[renniferno]

gee ren why are you so sensitive

why do you read the news if it stresses you out, why do you stay up to date on things that directly impact you (healthcare are politics in the United States)

why do you care about the kids you'll never meet, why do you respond so fiercely to the method of thinking that helps enable predatory behavior (i was a victim and i will do my best to keep it from happening to others)

why are you falling apart, why are you so fragile

my body is breaking down beyond my control. stress makes it worse. everything stresses me out so my health gets worse. my inability to do basic things despite trying so hard to manage my doctor appointments, having job even if only part time, having to pay bills when im not working enough to be able to afford anything.

im sorry, im trying to be someone i can enjoy being, but it's hard and i cant change the parts i hate the most. nothing can replace this body or brain.

and i don't think im as strong as everyone thinks. the things ive experienced have actually made me really really fragile.

edit 1: i know im reacting in extremes to pretty much everything happening in my life right now but i think (now that ive screamed into a pillow and sobbed and watched an episode of bake off) i was spreading myself too thin and trying to contort myself into a shape that breaks me. i guess there's only so far i can go before i snap because my brain is fucked and my body is fucked and my past is fucked. clearly this is the universe saying "you can't juggle all this."

i guess a social life is overrated anyways. is that extreme? is it an emotional trauma response? probably, but i don't have the spoons to maintain my temper anymore. i have to work tomorrow. i need money to survive. i have to have the spoons to do doctor things. if i don't focus on my physical health I won't be able to work and i need money to survive. i have to have the spoons to tidy up around home because i only work part-time and i need to do more to contribute to the household. i know a social life is supposed to help with mental health but i don't even have the spoons to do everything else listed so like.

edit 2: it's not that i don't have any friends but i guess im just not group material. every time! every fucking time. so much for being a social animal.